Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 106: First Time Long Time

Episode Date: July 29, 2009

Comedian Hal Rudnick visits Jordan and Jesse to talk about children's clothing, the Navajo language, and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, brandy, maggoty, netty, twiddle, dum, twiddle, dee, palm tree. This week, Jordan Jesse Go travels abroad and meets a strange man in a Bangkok bar.

Let's go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, I'm not going to bullshit you. In the past, I've told you that I was very excited about our guests. And it was probably a lie. I mean, it may...

A half-truth, at least. Yeah, a half-truth. Or at the most, I guess I should say. At most, at best, a half-truth. In many cases, a full on lie. Um, and as you know, Jordan,

I'm the kind of guy who hates to lie. Yeah. I mean, I can see it on your face when you're saying how excited you are. I see the, I see the grimace. Right. And the guest might not pick up on it because he probably just thinks you're

pooping. But I, as your longtime friend, I, I, I see the pain on your face. And I mean, the thing is, is if you're a guest and you've been in here, let's say you've been on one time before and I pooped.

It's reasonable to, you know, it's understandable that they would assume the next time that if they saw me making a poopy face that I was pooping. Sure. And so I don't blame the guests for that. You've always got that to use as cover. Right, exactly. Because you're a known pooper.oper right and i've usually got poop in my poopy pants you're die die um uh but this time around i don't have to lie no i'm very excited to have this week's guest on

the show uh we're talking about a guy who folks know from regular appearances on a little television show called Reno 911. We're talking about a guy who folks might know from tomorrow's... I'm sure they wouldn't want you calling it that. Reno 911. I'm sure the producers of that particular show probably want you to call it Reno 911.

Probably want you to say all the numbers. It's easier to say Reno 911. It's a shortcut. Yeah. There's always that association. It's like calling Independence Day ID4. They probably just don't want you to associate the show with 7-Eleven.

Right. I mean, but that's also just a shortcut. It's like a great way to get a refreshment without having to fuck around with a whole line and a whole grocery store. Anyway, we're diverging too much, but I'm just saying if we have to refer to that particular show again, I would just say all the numbers. Okay, fine. We're talking about a guy who's been a regular on RENO 911. Yes, thank you.

Mr. Hal Rudnick. Hal, welcome to the show. It's great to have you here. Well, thanks for having me, Jordan Jesse. And if you are excited, that's wonderful. If you are pooping, I can relate to that. But I am genuinely excited because not only am I a guest, I'm a listener to the show. And I feel like today I've won a listener's contest of some sort.

I'm not sure what it was. I'm not sure what I had to come up with. Bad news. It's win a date with Jordan. Guess what we're doing? ATVs. ATVs in the desert. And it's hot tub time.

Uh-oh. And somebody forgot his swimsuit. Yikes. And somebody's thumb wants to go in a butt. You know. It's mine. How rare is it, Jordan, that somebody comes on our show that's not just a listener, but has even heard the show before. I get the feeling that a lot of the guests who come in to be on Jordan Jesse Go, and they're wonderful people.

Many of them are personal friends. Think they're showing up to the set of a commercial for Crest or something. That's the level of understanding of what's going on here that they have yeah i remember scott ackerman when he came in brought a bunch of swords yeah like what do you think's gonna happen dude yeah he thought it was he thought it was a meeting of one of those uh like old-timey clubs yeah you know what i'm talking about with an anachronistic society you know where the nerds put on they put Renaissance fair? Yeah, there you go. I'm thinking about the kind where they put on the outfits from that.

But instead of going to a Renaissance fair where people have signed up for it... They meet in someone's den. No, not... Oh, they fight in a park. This is where they... In my one, they walk around the college campus and are like, Yeah, we're freaking out the normals. Oh, yeah.

Okay. That's the one I'm talking about. I don't mean to pick on you, Hal, because you came in the Renaissance scarf. It's the last thing that I would mean to. It's part of our date, Jesse. Oh, gotcha. And believe me, I'm used to slings and arrows, and they do not affect me before I have my shield.

A lot of people don't know that uh in addition to a podcast and a public radio show um and a blog maximumfund.org is also working on a new dating show um all the dates are going to be with you jordan sure uh they're all going to be historically anachronistic somehow and uh only with men yeah And it's going to be from MaximumFuck.org. Yes. And the org stands for orgasm. Originally it was called Greek Date. Yeah.

Or Greco-Roman Dating was one that we used for a little while. Grapple Date. And I built that whole... Grapple Date. And I built that whole... Grapple dates. We realized that Welch's had the copyright on grapple dates. It really is a delicious juice. Grapples, dates.

Grapple is a grape-apple combo. Yes. There's absolutely nothing like date juice. No. It's actually the grapple uh not a apple grappling hook combination but um imagine my disappointment when you bought a 12 pack date juice also the combined fluids of the data wait this is just an empty bottle uh you have to fill it up with your date juice. Okay, well, I think what's important to remember about this segment on Jordan Jesse Go

is how excited we are to have the great Hal Rudnick here. How excited we are to be entertaining you. And the fact that I mess my pants on a regular basis, right? As a rule. It's Jordan Jesse Jesse, go. We'll be back in just a second with more. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, look at that guy over there. Look at that handsome young man. Is that Hal Rudnick, Jordan? If I don't have a crazy disease, so it must be. The hilarious comic actor Hal Rudnick? Yes. Thank you, Jesse.

Oh, you flatter me. As a listener, you know you get to pick a nickname. Yes. I was thinking, since I am a listener, first time, long time. Maybe first time, long time. Or I was also thinking... This is the first time you've listened to the show for a long time. That's what you're saying?

Yes, the show has been around far too long at this point. And this is the first time you've heard it. Yes. Or I was thinking Hal Rudnick, contest And this is the first time you've heard it. Yes. Or I was thinking Hal Rudnick, contest winner. I like first time, long time. I like first time, long time. It's punchier. It's got a little verve.

A little go to town. It's a classic radio phrase. Jordan, I have to admit something. You got held up maybe a little bit at the office or something like that and and hal and i were sitting here a little late i i met hal at the door and i made a classic faux pas just the absolute the classic faux pas when a guest comes over wearing a montreal

expos t-shirt i wasn't gonna bring it up but i shoved him down. I confused. I briefly confused. I was trying to think of Darren Fletcher's name, and all I could come up with was Darren Dalton. Power hitting catcher for the Phillies. Now, I'm talking about a high average hitting catcher for the Montreal Expos, Darren Fletcher. Now, sure, they're both left-handed hitting catchers, an unusual and valuable commodity. Yes.

But they had very different skill sets. I made the same mistake the other day. I called a bird a dog. I know exactly where you're coming from. Exactly. That was embarrassing for you and the bird, especially. Darren Dalton had quite a photo spread in the SI Swimsuit issue with his wife, who was a Hooters model and possibly a Playboy playmate.

There you go. This is the kind of knowledge that you can only get from a first-time, long-time Hal Rudnick. You know what I mean? Darren Dalton played with Nails, Lenny Dykstra. Sure, Lenny Dykstra. Who became a very successful businessman and then shortly thereafter declared bankruptcy. I read this amazing article. This guy, Lenny Dykstra, Jordan, for your benefit.

Nails. Because of his physique. A center fielder. What is that in reference? Because he was tough as nails. Because he could hammer nails with his boner. Right. He was known for having two things.

For having a very well cut physique and having a very heavy boner. That could be used in lieu of common household tools and not just then he could pry out the nails with his balls yes he had a kind of a type of balls yeah kind of a claw a clawed ball um so lenny dykstra played center field for the philadelphia phillies in the in the early 90s when the Phillies were a good ball club. And the Phillies were kind of the classic, like, what do they call a baseball player? When they say a baseball player has a lot of hustle, they mean that he's not very good and he's white.

And the Philadelphia Phillies were a whole team of, like, hustle guys. They were, like of like hustle guys. They were like big hustle guys. And like some fat white guys with goatees and mullets and some, you know what I mean? The crocker. Yeah, John Crook, very fat. Yes. Darren Dalton, not a slim man. And so like, you know, it's just a collection of fat, slobby white guys that the media loved because they were white.

That's a good way to tell if somebody, if the media is going to love a baseball player. Are they white? If they are, they probably will. And so Lenny Dykstra was called Nails because he was so tough. Tough as nails. He'd run into walls. Put his body on the line day in, day out. Always got his uniform dirty.

Never struck me, certainly, as a smart man. No. I would say that none of the Philadelphia Phillies struck me as smart. You would not confuse them. With the possible exception of well-known prankster, late-inning reliever Larry Anderson. But Mitch Wild Thing Williams? No. Not a bright man.

Are you saying that it takes brains to pull a good prank? Yeah, well, you know, I mean, in baseball, I think a good prank is a hot foot, which is just lighting someone's shoe on fire. Or the shaving cream pie in the face while you're doing an interview. Right, those are the two classic baseball pranks. But Lenny Dykstra then opened a chain of car washes. Yes. In Southern California. He moved to Southern California after his playing days were numbered because he'd run into too many walls headfirst. And I read this New Yorker article about him and his basic thing that he said, like his business philosophy.

This article was about what a great businessman he was. And his business philosophy was, well, people love cars in Southern California. So he opened a bunch of car washes, did very well, sold the car washes, and then started a magazine. This was what the New Yorker article was about, a magazine for athletes, a lifestyle magazine for professional athletes. Now, here's my concerns with this plan. And it didn't turn out well for Nails. But here are some concerns going in. Number one,

there are, what, five or six hundred Major League Baseball players. There's about three hundred professional basketball players. There's more football players, maybe a thousand, twelve hundred, give or take. Maybe there's more football players maybe a thousand twelve hundred give or take maybe there's another I don't know how many people are on a hockey team but I'm gonna guess maybe there's another 500

professional hockey players sure so you're looking at roughly 2,500 professional athletes in the United States in the major organized sports you maybe you can get rich if you're another maybe maybe there's a hundred other athletes who do well from being a professional athlete in the united states like lance armstrong's um you're uh shemekwa holds claw you're lisa leslie wait but i mean nba players i mean but you don't have to be a professional athlete i mean this was just i mean you don't have to be a professional athlete. I mean, you don't have to live in a penthouse to read Penthouse. If you do, I'm in trouble. I have a lot of penthouses in my apartment. What if I'm an avid sports fan, and I have some liquid assets,

and I want to learn how to live like my favorite players live? The premise of this magazine was that professional athletes don't know what to do with themselves or their money so if you have money and have gotten it through there are many ways to get money here in the united states sure um most of them involve could be an astronaut a doctor knowing something about business or being responsible. Yes. That they're giant children. Even if you inherit money, even if you inherit your money, one would presume that you grew up in a culture of money with parents or grandparents who had a lot of money and knew how to manage your money. So you're not just going to go crazy with it. to go crazy with it so the only category of person i think that has the qualifications for this that's not a professional athlete is maybe going to be a lottery winner like is are there

other groups of people who have a huge amount of money and thus want to read about boats um there's a lot in this magazine a lot of a lot of yacht talk a lot of like remember there was a lot of like how to buy an island i remember that um uh if i'm remembering correctly rafael palmero uh the former first baseman for among others the baltimore orioles and viagra spokesman and the famous noted viagra spokesman and steroid user was going to write a personal finance column. And, you know, sure, there are some questionable personal finance gurus in the United States, but I would not give my money to Rafael Palmeiro. No. Not in a hundred trillion bajillion years.

The man lied to Congress. Yeah. It's so... He didn't just lie. He waggled his finger at congressmen as he lied. And so the question instantly becomes, like, his plan was to make a magazine for a group of 3,000 people. If you include Shemekwa Holtzclaw, you include the lottery winners. You throw in a few people who found a treasure map. Ex-golfer Lee Trevino?

Yeah, exactly. You can put in Chi-Chi Rodriguez for all I care. You've got a target audience of 3,000 people. Now, how many of these people are going to subscribe to the magazine? Let's say you've got really effective marketing. Oh, Fuzzy Zeller.

Thank you. The racist Fuzzy Zeller. Thank you. The racist Fuzzy Zeller. He made those racist comments. Yeah, he asked if Tiger Woods was going to serve fried chicken as his... Yeah. So... I think it's like a playful racism, though. Yeah.

That's like a fun racism. Yeah. It's like Big Brother. Right, exactly. I think that was... It's like giving your little African-American brother a noogie. Sending him on his way with a licorice whip. Rookie hazing.

You mean like a licorice whip across the back? For not working in the licorice fields? It's a shame that you guys aren't racists. It is. You could be forging new frontiers in the world of racism. I would be a doozy of a racist. We put the fun back into racism. I was trying to think of a word that's in racism.

I know, so was I. You know how they always say that Birth of a Nation was a revolutionary film, and so it's so important you watch it in film class because it's so important, even though it's about the protagonists or the Ku Klux Klan. Yeah, even though it's one of the most terrific films ever made. Yeah, you guys would be making similar innovations in whatever medium you chose to express your racism. Just like when we were talking about whipping. Other people might whip with a whip.

You're talking about whipping with a licorice whip. Or maybe you take it one step further and whip with an orange whip. Well, am I dumping it on someone? The orange whip is a drink, right? Yeah. That would just be messy. If you put it on somebody, it'd be real cold and sticky.

Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm just throwing out ideas. All I'm saying is Nils Dykstra did not seem to have a good effective plan going in for somebody that had a New Yorker article written about what a brilliant businessman they were. There were only a few thousand people in his target audience, but you neglect to mention

that he was going to be charging $2,500 per issue. Right. I mean, sure, the Excel spreadsheet worked out. And I think when Tad Friend or whoever it was from the New Yorker went down to Nails' house and looked over his shoulder at the computer, you know, in between hands of party poker and, you know, day trades and saw the spreadsheet. He just didn't notice that in the sell for issue price, even though it said we'll only

sell a thousand issues because it will sell to one third of our target audience, which seemed ambitious but achievable. He didn't notice that the sell underneath said $2,500 per issue. And the other thing is, Palmeiro doesn't work cheap. If we know anything about Rafael Palmeiro and the big-money contract he signed with the Baltimore Orioles and their free-spending owner, Peter Angelos, we know that Palmeiro doesn't work cheap.

Can I rapidly switch topics? Would that be rude of me to rapidly switch topics? No, we've upset you for long enough. Oh, but I also wanted to mention that I've met Walt Weiss. Have you met Mike Gallego? I haven't met Mike Gallego. Oh, that's a great Keystone combo, though. Oh, yeah, they could turn quite a double play.

Anyway, Jordan. Yes. Hal, are you drinking a Pepsi Max? I am drinking a Pepsi Max. Okay, I've seen the billboards. Yes. Tagline, the diet cola for men. True.

What the fuck is going on with that? Just trying to increase my testosterone, Jordan. Yeah. Um, just, uh, trying to increase my testosterone, Jordan. Yeah. Uh, actually, uh, I was out of town for a while and there, I've, there were a lot of Pepsi Max's, uh, at my disposal when I was, I was in Connecticut, uh, working on something and, uh, I started to get a taste for it and so much so that I started thinking about it, uh, more and more.

And I realized that Pepsi Max has twice the caffeine of a regular Pepsi or Diet Pepsi, and it also has an infusion of ginseng in it. And it gives me just such delightful jitters, a zing, puts a skip in my step. Tell me if this is gross, but can I taste your Pepsi Max? You can taste my Pepsi Max. Okay, I want to taste it. I've never tasted a Pepsi Max. So the reason that it's for men is that it has all these...

I don't like the fact that it's like, we're for men. I'm not a huge, like... You're no sexist. Yeah, drink a pit bull or... Yeah. ...kind of guy. But I don't know.

It just gives me a zing. Even though you have auditioned for Mansers... But... I've been on Mansers. I'm a man, I'm a man, I'me shampoo. I saw a commercial on TV yesterday where a guy used axe shampoo, and then a pig jumped off a ledge and hit him, and then all these bikini chicks started touching his hair. Jesse, if you're going to describe it, get it right. First, the pig finds him. Then he uses the Axe shampoo. Then the chick.

You have to get that timeline correct. Because at the beginning, he's a pig? Yes. If you were watching close enough, you'd notice that the blonde woman in the commercial said to the pig, Find me a dirty boy. You're an expert on this commercial. I'm no... I want to know, I feel like Axe body products

are ascendant in the marketplace. Like, this must be a success because the line has expanded dramatically. And I see tons of commercials for this stuff. And it's hard to find, this is a, you know, a category, a product category, where typically consumer preferences are well established. You just use whatever you already use. You know what I mean?

So this must be working. I still use the brand of deodorant that my mom bought me on my 12th birthday. Secret. Secret. A lady's secret. Mitchum. I still buy mitchum roll-on oh mitchum seems like such a mitchum is like the pepsi max of deodorants no no it's it's it's it's like the ginger ale of deodorants it's unscented it's kind of in a class oh sure sure it is classy it looks uh you know streamlined nice, no bells and whistles. But their ad campaign is to dudes.

Is it? I didn't know that. I feel like Mitchum is... And it's a guy shooting a machine gun full of Mitchums. Yeah. Into his dick. I feel like Mitchum... His own dick.

Just eradicating his own dick by firing Mitchum missiles at it. I feel like Mitchum is the choice of the man whose face is blooming from drinking too much. Well, when I think of Mitchum, I think of a strong man with maybe a barrel chest and his pants hiked high. I think of Robert Mitchum, the manly who was um busted for marijuana in the 1950s right they didn't care for grasshoppers back then and um you cannot help it for me robert mitchum so i did have an affinity for mitchum uh but i go with my uh right guard aqua sport because it has those um those little uh um uh flavor pellets that push up through the top of it. If you want to lick it, it's not going to be gross. I use an Arm & Hammer brand underarm deodorant.

Just powdered baking soda. Thinking about it right now, I think it's just because it reminds me of cookies. You know? Rubbing cookies on yourself. It's like rubbing cookies under my arms. Which is something I do anyway. Here's something I've noticed in the male hygiene product realm. And I want to preface this by saying I'm not I'm not a fancy guy like Jesse.

Like I'll buy a bargain basement product. Yeah. You know, I look I look a little dumpy. I'll add something to that as well. Please do. With all the respect that it is due you after many years of high quality friendship, in addition to not being fancy, you're also somewhat of a miser. Sure.

Absolutely. There's a product. Do you hoard your money? I do. I'm notoriously very cheap i do the same thing i try to build a wall of money around myself good good uh and um there's a product that is now shampoo conditioner and body wash in one and it's always kind of for men it's never in the ladies hygiene aisle it's just a a gel that you dump on yourself in the shower it's just an all

purpose cleaning gel that you're just supposed to slather all over yourself to me that seems wrong i mean i don't have a lot of bathroom products it's also what's good about it though it's also a delouser right yeah from the people who brought you rid yeah but it's also got a few matches taped to it in case you need to burn off some ticks are the minds of america's 20 year old men so malleable that the axes advertisements work that people buy that and think like that's my one it's the one that gets the ladies to throw the pig at you and you you're like, now, I'm no idiot. I don't believe everything I see on TV. Now, I know that when I spray this on myself,

I'm not going to get trampled by a vicious horde of horny women, but I'll probably get laid when I go out. Yeah. I'm no dummy. But when I go to hula hands... I think it might just be the much more basic thing. Like, you think of cologne. Cologne is when you want to spruce up when you want to dress up and do something a little bit special.

But the body spray, it's just a stink masker. And, like, guys, like, need to mask their stink. So they put this wall of spray on themselves. And, like, oh, I stink. Now I can cover it up. Thanks, Axe. Yeah, I don't know. It's amazing.

It's truly amazing to me. Anyway, we have so much more stuff to talk about on Jordan, Jesse, Go. We'll take a quick break and be right back with myself, Jordan Morrison, the great Hal Rudnick. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hal Rudnick, first time, long time. Oh, that's nice, right?

It's got a nice jazzy rhythm. It might go down as one of the fave nicknames of all time. That's an all-timer. No doubt about it. It's no Kevin Sprinkles Pereira, but it'll do. But on the other hand, Hal didn't bring donuts. Yeah. So that's his own fault.

Oh, you guys have, I wish I remembered it. You guys had one a couple months back that just really popped, and you just could not stop gushing over it. Was it Kurt Anderson had a good one? Explodo. Oh, yeah, Explodo. I remember when Ackerman was on, you were just talking about Explodo. Kurt Anderson's really cool. I Twittered with Kurt Anderson the other day. He Twittered something about how he got invited to the White House.

He and his wife got invited to the White House. K.A. moving up. I know. Well, that guy's a pretty serious class act. No, hey. That kind of shit goes, I feel like that kind of shit goes down for our boy Kurt Anderson.

Yeah. And so anyway, Kurt Anderson got invited for like a design, the annual White House Design Awards or something like that. And he Twittered that his back had just been brushed by Michelle Obama. But she was just looking for her chair, as it turned out. And I, of course, Twittered back to him, bone zone.

Sure. And he loved it because he's a class act he knows what's going on he knows what the fuck is important in the world sure that's looking for opportunities to use the phrase bone zone right and what better opportunity than our first lady yeah the foxy michelle obama she's a lovely woman absolutely a beautiful woman um okay look j Jordan and I are headed out on the road. Of course, I'm going to Mexico. First, I'm going to go to Puerto Vallarta. Sure.

Then I'm going to go to what a listener once described as the Mexican state of Oaxaca. Oaxaca. Is this on your cruise? No, this will not be on a cruise. On my cruise, I just go to various wooded areas in New York's Central Park. Ah. So I'm going out of town. These guys, Jordan, you're going to be hosting the show for a couple weeks while I'm out of town.

Yeah. You're going to have John the intern here helping out. You're going to have John the intern here helping out. Then you and I and our pals Merlin, Scott, and Adam are going on tour with the Monsters of Podcasting. Yes. I feel like this needs to be formally announced. A two-stop tour. Hey, this is a – we're covering the entire East Coast, both Philadelphia and New York. September – let's see.

September 18th and 19th is New York. 18th is The Sound of Young America. 19th is Monsters of Podcasting. I'm doing The Sound of Young America at WNYC. We're doing Monsters of Podcasting at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, which you might have heard of. And that Wednesday and Thursday,

we're in Philadelphia at the Adrian Theater. Wednesday is The Sound of Young America. Thursday, The Monsters of Podcasting. This is going to be epic, Jordan. Yeah. This is going to be spectacular. Do you think they like us in Philadelphia? No, I do not think they like us in Philadelphia.

I don't imagine they do either. I do not think, you know why? Because we keep making fun of nails. Lenny Dykstra. Yeah, right. Now, if I could get Darren Dalton on The Monsters of Podcasting. What a coup.

Monsters of Podcasting with special guest Darren Dalton. Or how about this? Monsters of Podcasting special guest Randall Cunningham. Former Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Randall Cunningham. You know, former Philadelphia Philly Doug Glanville was a guest on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me over the weekend. You know, and I heard that he was great. He was great. He writes a column for the Times now, doesn't he?

Yeah, writes a column about sports for the Times, and he has an engineering degree, and they touted him as being a very bright athlete. Where does Doug Glanville live? Where's a Doug Glanville coming from? I believe he lives in Chicago now. Okay. Chicago, Illinois's own Doug Glanville. from? I believe he lives in Chicago now. Chicago, Illinois' own Doug Glanville.

Of course, he played for the Chicago Cubs, which is how he probably ended up in Chicago. Right, and Phillies, among others. So I guess the moral of this story is buy your tickets now. If you go to MaximumFun.org everything except for

both of the Philadelphia shows are on sale now. And by the time you hear this, maybe the New York shows will be on sale. But keep your eyes on MaximumFun.org and on my Twitter and stuff like that. We are also going to have a really sweet poster. So if you're in New York or Philadelphia, what we're going to do is sell the poster in advance. And you can pick it up at the show. It is really cool. I just got the art for it in my email.

It is really, really cool. And yeah, and we'll be selling it at the show, of course, but we'd rather you get it ahead of time. I think it's going to be really neat. Yes. That's how we're paying our bills, by the way. Upright Citizens Brigade Theater does not pay. No.

You will be paying them and they will be keeping that money. Yes. Keeping it. Hal and I know. We are regular performers at the Upright Citizens Brigade here in Los Angeles. Great theater. Great operation. Always the best crowd in comedy.

Yeah. Yeah, you're not getting any money. Not getting any money at all. But maybe if you're selling a poster, see what I'm saying? Maybe if you're selling a poster poster people will pay the totally reasonable price for the poster get their poster and you know then we're cooking right yeah we're cooking i got cool guests coming up on for the sound of young america uh philadelphia of course you're looking at the spinto band i mean come on spinto band how do you not buy a ticket to spinto band

you have to see spinto band okay this is Philadelphia's most famous band, okay? Except for Dr. Dog. Dr. Dog are going to be on tour. The second most famous band in Philadelphia, Spinto Band. In the history of the great city of Philadelphia? They're actually from Delaware. Well, it depends on whether you count, whether you include singing groups. Because if you include singing groups, well, all of a sudden you've got Boys to Men.

You've got the OJs. Bell Biv DeVoe. If you're talking about instrumental groups, well, look at this. All of a sudden you've got MFSB with their hit sound, The Sound of Philadelphia. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. That sounds like Philly to me. T-S-O-P, the sound of Philadelphia. Hit song for M-F-S-B, my friends.

Sorry, God, Jordan. Anytime I talk about sports or black people, Jordan tunes out. You're making me sound like a chubby racist. Which I am. Hal, you just got back from the road, didn't you? Weren't you abroad recently? Yeah, not too long ago. I was in Thailand shooting a major motion picture.

A major motion picture in Thailand? Yes. Was it Bangkok 13 starring Nicolas Cage? It was. I played Nicolas Cage's little sidekick, Poo Poo. Right this way, Mr. Cage. You drove his tuk-tuk. Yes.

Oh, tuk-tuks were in abundance over there. Or a scooter taxi. But yeah, not as popular as scooters and mopeds. Mopeds were everywhere. They are the prevalent form of transportation over there. And so much so you'd see entire families on a moped, mother, father, and child riding on the handlebars of this moped. Oh, that sounds dangerous.

I was in Thailand for all of like 12 hours, and I was visiting, like my dad does development work, and he had his friend there father joe so i was supposed to visit father joe basically during a plane layover and i went to see father joe but father joe was in a meeting so father joe's assistant put me on uh on a scooter with a man he just put me on this scooter he's like okay get on this scooter and the man will take you somewhere does father joe run a mission in uh yeah he does he does run a mission in thailand and um saving many lost thai souls uh well he he actually um uh he he's not a he's not a scourge of buddhism

he's not an even he's not an evangelical he's he's not running an evangelical he's running a service mission um uh saving uh orphaned children's lives. Real class act, Father Joe. Making sure no one puts them on a scooter. Yeah, very dirty sense of humor, too, which is a great quality in a priest, I think. But Father Joe just put me on this scooter. It was terrifying. This man is just there, and I'm like'm like can i grab the guy because i'm scared

yeah there's that little like bar that you can grab behind you yep but i don't know if you've ever noticed this but like when you're in an uncomfortable situation you tend to cross things in front of you right that makes you feel better like just going into the fetal position is essentially like the ultimate form of crossing your arms and legs in front of you you see what i'm saying and putting your arms behind you is the opposite of that it's basically just like saying hey motorcycle accident kick me in the balls take me world my time is up and i couldn't do it so i just i i don't care if it's uh appropriate or inappropriate i just grabbed onto this man like i was a motorcycle mama and he was my daddy. Yeah.

Or as I worked with this security guard once and he was talking about this big motorcycle ride that he took and this woman that he took with him on the ride and he was talking about her and he said, yeah, I had one hell of a back warmer. So that's probably what your driver was thinking. I was some fella's back warmer god that's scary okay so you were right around on a toque toque oh i went specifically was his back yes his butt warmer i uh i took a harrowing in in a certain way i'm sort of like uh i'm sort of a living a parallel life to lenny dykstra he's known for the weight of his dick i'm known for the warm

exactly anyway go ahead. It's like you twist it. It's like a hot-cold pack. Yeah, sure. You release the chemical. Yeah, it's great for hiking. Fantastic for hiking. And your jizz is the same chemical compound as Icy Hot.

Yeah. I took a harrowing motorcycle or moped ride through the streets of Bangkok, which, you know, dodging in and out of cars. And then once you hit a straightaway, picking up speed. It was really like I was in a video game or it was an amusement park ride. And it was amazing, yet frightening. And, yeah, exact same experience. Helmet? You weren't a helmet in this?

Yes, wearing a helmet. I was not wearing a helmet. Ah. All I could think about was my brain splattered on a Thai street as he like wove between chickens in downtown Bangkok. I go to a – well, I don't want to derail the moped story. Not at all. I could talk mopeds all day. I go to a Thai restaurant here and they have kind of all of all the standard Thai stuff toward the front of the menu.

We're talking about tuk-tuks. We're talking about blood sport. The movie Blood Sport took place there. Foot massages. That's on the menu. Right. Go ahead. Then they have a page at the back called Adventurous, where it's a lot of frog-based dishes, lots of stuff with the head still on.

Serpent's head soup. Yeah. What is a Thai cooking here versus Thai cooking there? It's fairly similar. I was not that adventurous when it came to trying stuff. I like spicy, though, and I tried some very, very spicy chicken dishes. Although, it was a children's action-adventure movie I was on,

and there was a family there. A spy kid situation? Yeah, kind of like spy kids in a jungle. It was called The Lost Medallion, and I was a villain chasing these children looking for that damn medallion in the jungle and trying to molest those no trying to

catch those uh kids and um pied at all were you ever pied in this process just pie-eyed when i arrived to set after a night of carousing um but there was uh one family there and um the mother would only let the kids eat like peanut butter and bread. And we had delicious culinary delights served to us on set every day. She wouldn't touch any of it. And there was also an American side where we could get lunch or a Thai side. Always going to the American side and getting French fries, fried chicken, or bringing the peanut butter sandwiches from her hotel room. And I thought they were the epitome of the ugly american

you know then i went out and got drunk and made fun of them you know their faces you know what surprised me about a bangkok thailand so i i went my only time in southeast asia i was mostly in laos uh but uh uh and i was working mostly but but that 12 hours in bangkok thailand the thing that i was impressed by i guess maybe just because Laos is obviously a communist nation. And so it's just not very developed or dense or anything. And you get to Bangkok. I was shocked at how many Kentucky Fried Chickens there were. This is an entire city of Kentucky Fried Chickens.

chickens there were. This is an entire city of Kentucky fried chickens. In the entire country of Thailand, there are far more 7-Elevens than there are in the United States, and they just refer to it as seven. Are you going to seven? Because the number seven is prominent, and eleven is spelled out, so they don't maybe necessarily read the English, but if you ask a tuk-tuk driver... It's called Seven Other Thing. Seven Other Thing. Was Thailand enjoyable? Was it a good experience for you? It was.

Some of the best food I've ever eaten. Did you eat like a – when I was in Laos, a big thing they eat there, like the national dish of Laos is something you can often get in like a Thailand or a Thai restaurant. In Laos, it's usually anglicized as larp or larp. Like, it depends on what kind of restaurant you go into, how they spell that in English, but like an L-A-R-P. It's like a ground meat mint salad. Not to be

confused with AARP. Yeah, which is an organization for older Americans. Yes. A lobbying and activist organization. And I ate a LARP that was, this LARP is like, it's just what they eat. Like they take a whole, basically take a whole chicken

and just grind it up into little pieces. Like every part of a chicken, you know, from the, you know, head to the marrow, you know what from the, you know, head to the marrow. You know what I mean? And even the coxcomb. Exactly. They put it, they put it, they add some magical spices and some lime and mint and things like this,

and it becomes this salad, right? I ate one that was made out of a wild boar. Wild boars are hella good. Yeah, but they're fatty. Yeah. The fat is good, too. I mean, if you think the fat of a pig is good, you gotta try the fat of a boar. So would

that be similar to a scrapple? Sure. It's more of a scrapple date kind of flavor. Little date juice in there. Yeah. But one thing about Bangkok, you get any international cuisine you want, and it's the best you've ever had because it's such an international community, and you have just little enclaves of everyone.

And one particularly fun experience, I was in an Indian restaurant in Bangkok, and I was the only person in there save for one other gentleman. He was an older man, maybe in his 70s. He was wearing a tailored gold shirt with Chinese dragons on it. And he had what looked to be like tailored pants as well. And just very well kept. And so I struck up a conversation with him.

I asked him, you know, how's his day? How's his time in Bangkok? In Thai, I presume. In Thai. Kapun Kap. And he... Larp. Larp.

Tup Tup. Thailand. Pad Thai. Blood sport. He was telling me how he was an expatriate from Germany, and he'd lived in Italy for years as a travel agent and then within five minutes of meeting him he told me about how he'd have how he'd had a penis pump installed Oh within the past year and how it has changed his life radically and he is visiting with many many ladies now he didn't installed yes sir talk about installation sir surgically implanted into his penis and thigh.

So is this like, is it internal or is it like they just insert a bladder and an entry point sort of like a basketball or a volleyball? And you just stick your pump in there and... I heard it's a device where there's a button on your leg. You press the button, and you immediately are ready for adult fun. Is that something you get? When you say adult fun, you're referring to blood sport? Yeah. I'm referring to consenting adults, wrap their hands in linen,

dip them in glue, and then dip them in glass and then they fight i did uh sit ringside for a kickboxing match as well really kickboxing and one more penis pump question yes uh i want to hear about the kickboxing but i also have a penis question i don't even want to hear about the kickboxing i just want to go back to the penis pump uh is this just a substitute for a viagra or what's his name? Yes, a substitute for Viagra. I asked him, oh, what about pills or Viagra? He said, oh, no, this is so much better, dear boy. Now I press the button.

I'm ready to go. I used to be like, will I or won't I? Will I or won't I? Talking about whether he'd get an erection or not when he was with a lady. And now he will every time out. He's batting a thousand. That voice you did made it sound like he owned a magical toy factory. Oh, he was very much a caricature.

This was Mr. Magorium, right? It was actually the actor Dustin Hoffman who played Mr. Magorium. He does Mr. Magorium most of the time now. Yes, he had a tragic accident during that movie, and he's stuck in Mr. Magorium. I think that makes his recent performances in other films all the more remarkable. If you understand that in his day-to-day life,

he lives as Mr. Magorium. Well, it just actually turns out that Mr. Magorium is a very good actor. So, Dustin Hoffman, very good actor. Right. Mr. Magorium, also pretty good. Which is fantastic. It works out great. He perfectly captures the essence. Mr. Magorium, also pretty good. Which is fantastic. It works out great.

He perfectly captures the essence of Mr. Magorium. You can see Mr. Magorium coming out just along the fringes in that movie with Emma Thompson from last year. Yeah, sure. I don't know what it's called either. Something like Old Harry.

I feel... No, Date Juice. Yeah, Date Juice. Yeah, Date Juice. It's called Date Juice. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris. Whoa!

I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. That's good. God, Jordan. I got a frog in my throat. Get your act together. What's going on over there? Sorry, I didn't do my vocal warm-ups. Jordan, you've got to stop shooting heroin into your neck.

Sorry, I just don't want anybody to see the track marks. That's how Jordan does his heroin, you know? Oh, I always wore turtlenecks, too. Hal Rudnick, first time, long time. Nice. Thanks, Hal. It's nice. I like the Montreal Expo shirt.

I like you've got a three-quarter. Is that a high top or a three-quarter? I think it's a high top. It looks like a high top from here. Yeah, got it real cheap at a sample sale. Had a friend that worked for Adidas. Bam. Boom, bam, ba-ba-ba-ba. Is that like a sample only Adidas, do you think?

No, I saw it in a store and it was far more than I paid for it at a sample sale. It was a prohibitive price. I never would have bought it if I encountered it only in the store. Oh, yeah. I can understand that completely. Hey, I have a question. Yes. We've got all these wonderful callers.

Don't we, though? Who have called into our hotline at 206-9844-FUN. John the intern has listened to all these calls and brought us only the best. Do you want to give them a listen? I do. Okay, let's do it. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is Mitch from Kansas City. us only the best you want to give them a lesson i do okay let's do it a jordan a jesse did admit from kansas city uh... i thought i'd call in with a moment of shame i was at my job today which

i i've had for under a month and um... i was paging my manager and i actually cursed over loudspeaker uh... so the family that i was helping at the moment with their young children heard me ask my manager to come to the cunt for customer assistance. See, that's not a moment of shame. That's a moment of glory.

Because there's complete plausible deniability. There's no way that anyone can prove that you did it on purpose. And I'm going to assume you did it on purpose because if you didn't, what a disappointment. Sure. You've got a PA system at your disposal. might as well swear over it was it was it a very ill-tempered woman that he needed to see for customer service that's a man that's a beautiful moment in a man's life when he says uh the c word over over the pa at his job oh that's just fantastic anybody i i think people should say horrible things over the pa yeah and randomly for no reason yeah god one of the best instances i encountered of someone

cursing in a work situation uh i was at one of those uh meetings where someone pitches a timeshare to you and then you get like a free macy's gift card or a weekend in Vegas for sitting through the timeshare spiel. So I sat through it, got my gift card. I was leaving, walked in the parking lot with my girlfriend at the time, and someone who I obviously, he's one of the salesmen, did not sell a timeshare that day, big muscular guy, probably used performance-enhancing drugs. To enhance his timeshare performance.

Yes. Was walking out of the building, and immediately as the door shut behind him, he started yelling, Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Screaming it in the parking lot as he was walking to his car. That's funny and sad. Yeah.

And you said, yes, please! Where do I sign up for that? Hello, Jordan, Jesse Goh. This is Pat in Washington, yes, please. Where do I sign up for that? Hello, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Pat in Washington, D.C., calling in with a moment of shame. So, last night, I went to a birthday party with a friend of mine, walking part of town.

I probably shouldn't have been at that point in time, and considering my, you know, sort of drunkenness, well, I mean, not technically, but these young ladies on the street corner then asked me if I wanted to party, and I responded, fuck off, leave me alone. It was a little unfriendly, which, I don't know, out of the ordinary, but I was kind of drunk. So then proceeds more of an argument, which leads to one of the prostitutes taking off her high heel and beating me over the head with it.

This opens up a giant gash in my head, and I end up covered in blood. They also beat me in other ways, and then stole my wallet and, you know, I end up covered in blood. You know, they also beat me in other ways and then stole my wallet and my phone. Then I end up sitting on a street corner absolutely covered in blood. And then the police come. So, you know, that was an interesting thing that happened. Yeah. That's interesting. Wow, yeah.

These have both been more sad than funny. Yeah. Where do you begin on that one? Picking a fight with a prostitute, huh? Bad move. They're pretty low on the totem pole to begin with, whether or not you're drunk. Yeah. You know, if a prostitute asks you, would you like to party?

Right. And if you don't want to party. She's kind enough to invite you to a party. Yeah, right? And she doesn't even know you. Yeah. Your response should be, no thank you, prostitute. Yeah, you should...

How about this? Send a regrets card. Yeah. You know? Maybe the invitation was regrets only. But you're still responsible for sending your regrets, not saying fuck off. Throw a little Starbucks gift card in there. Maybe have her forward you the Evite so you can just leave a clever, funny, no thank you response.

Yeah, yeah. Just in case, maybe. I think a Starbucks card is a good idea because, you know, I mean, a lot of people fall into prostitution because of their addictions. Maybe she's a coffee-aholic. Yeah. You know what I mean? If that's the case, I'm going to be turning tricks in no time. Hello.

Next Monday. Hi, Jordan, Jesse to be turning tricks in no time. Hello. Next Monday. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, this is Zach from North Carolina. I recently went to Charlotte to see some friends, and we went to an Urban Outfitters while I was there. And I picked up a couple of V-neck shirts. I'm a fan, as I know you are, Jesse. And it was not until I got home the next day, looked in my shopping bag and saw that one

of the shirts was a deep v-neck I had inadvertently bought a deep v-neck because I wasn't paying much attention and uh I'm just looking for advice on what to do with said shirt or just some emotional support so yeah thanks a lot guys I'll talk to you later okay here's some context in which it's appropriate to wear this deep V-neck shirt. You know, in the past on the show, Jordan, I've talked about how the deep V-neck is probably the worst shirt. Yeah. And I still feel that way, certainly. There's no doubt about that.

That has not changed. No. You weren't pulled from a burning car by a man in a deep V. You weren't pulled from a burning car by a man in a deep V. In a situation where you might be wearing nothing but your underpants and an A-frame undershirt, what some might call a wife beater shirt, and sitting in front of your television while you're sitting right next to a block of ice and a fan. That's a time when it's appropriate to wear a deep v-neck or as an undershirt. It's fine to wear it as an undershirt. I have no objection to that. Can you wear it to bed?

If you're alone, yes. I wouldn't want to wear it in that situation. I wouldn't want to wear it to bed if there was a lady there. Can he return it? Is the tag still on it? Can he take it back? I know, God.

Yeah, well, you know, it's at Urban Outfitters. Even if you don't have the tag, just go take it back, get some store credit, and then get a book of stick figures teaching you sexual positions. Oh, hey, just on the topic of bad clothing real quick. Child in Ed Hardy, more or less appropriate? Oh, God. I saw a kid in the Boston airport airport the other day just ed hardy doubt uh i was just you know i saw uh i saw a whole family wearing ed hardy walking down the street the

other day i saw ugg boots with ed hardy shit on the front yeah yeah there's just it's it's like it's like axe body spray it's one of those things where you just when you see it you just go huh shit well you know putting the baby the kid doesn't have a chance like he is being nurtured into assholes yeah is it is it less appropriate because you are predisposing your child to being a dick, or is it more appropriate because, well, an adult shouldn't be wearing a T-shirt covered in colorful characters. Here's something. But a child can.

I mean, like if a child had a T-shirt covered in another kind of colorful character, it would be fine with that, if pirates and snakes in another context. But so is it just, can he just wear an Ed Hardy shirt because he likes pirates and snakes? Here's the thing. I, in general, and this is an opinion that I hold strongly that is one of my more controversial opinions. I'm generally against the purchase.

I'm generally against the purchase of new clothing for children. Sure. I feel like children don't care what they're wearing. As long as it's clean, what the fuck does it matter? They're just going to barf or spill juice on it anyway. Well, that's a very utilitarian view. What if you just want to put the kid in a cute tee?

Especially below the age of five. Like anything under the age of five, any child under the age of five, just either, if you don't have relatives that are giving you hand-me-downs which you should yeah uh just buy whatever the nicest thing is at the secondhand store i think you'll be fine because it's only they wear the clothes for a month all they do really with them is barf on them you know what i mean like i'm as much as i care about clothes so in that that part of me wants to say that it's even worse because someone went out and spent $50 on a new Ed Hardy shirt for a child that doesn't care what it's wearing and is just going to barf on it. And in addition to that, and I'm not saying all children just barf on themselves all the time.

Mostly babies are barfing on themselves. But certainly all children are getting, you know,f on themselves all the time mostly babies are barfing on themselves but certainly all children are getting you know soup on themselves or whatever you know how do you feel about expensive designer diapers oh god i don't know we're kind of what is an expensive designer diaper oh maybe this is just something you made up a leather diaperette made out of maybe like a suede chamois material for softness and absorbency because you don't want to scratch the finish. And it's got an iPhone pocket too, a little pocket for its iPhone. Maybe with a leopard print.

Yeah, I think maybe it's even worse because the baby can't – you're projecting that the child or baby is choosing this. You know, I don't – the kid looks like he was in this case the kid looks like he was old enough to say get me that one uh you know he's a kid who you would see in a you know whatever in a dinosaur shirt or a you know tony hawk shirt or something like that i mean i agree with jesse for the most part except i think it is fun to occasionally have the novelty uh tea for your kid and bring it you know kind of fun like i don fun. I think that's cruel. I don't think you should put a joke on your child that your child

hasn't thought of themselves. I love milk, wear them titties. Come on, Jesse, that's cute. It's all the horror of the comic t-shirt added with the fact that the child has been conscripted

into wearing it. No, I think it's the only acceptable outlet for the comic T-shirt now. Yeah. Any adult that gets their clothing at Spencer's Gifts, ostracized. But a child, oh, come on. Look at what the kid's trying to do. Suck on a titty in this case. Yeah. Word.

Okay, that's fair. That's fair. I'm going to say worse. What's your final call, Jordan? gonna say worse what are you what's your final call jordan better or worse for the child than hardy how what do you what do you say uh worse because the kid doesn't have a chance if it's the ed hardy okay yeah i i think i will go or yeah i'm going worse too okay i was playing devil's advocate we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It love you, love you, love you, love you

It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hal Rutnick, first time, long time. Oh, God, I love this guy. Don't you love this Hal Rutnick character? Yes. What? What's your problem? No, I do. I was singing it. That's how much I love him. It's not like you were being annoyed at me because I love him too much.

No, I was shouting it to the rafters. I just love him a lot. In a tuneful way. I love it's Hal Rudnick from Reno 911. I know. From a movie from Thailand. The Lost Medallion. The Lost Medallion.

The Adventures of Billy Stone. Oh, we've got a byline. Yeah, he's like a young Indiana Jones. Oh, okay. Oh, I gotcha. Will he be involved in any kind of blood sports? He does wield a long stick. Oh.

Yeah. Curiously, he's not involved in any blood sports, but he does wrap his hands in linen, dip them in glue, and then dip them into glass shards. And then just walks around. Yeah. He doesn't fight anybody. That's actually just because he's got a bad rash.

It's the only way he can really take care of it. It really gets rid of an itch. I feel like I want to... Isn't there enough goodwill towards Bloodsport to where we can revive the underground fighting tournament movie genre? I'm just putting that out there. You guys don't have to genre. I'm just putting that out there. You guys don't have to answer. I'm just saying that to Hollywood. I'm going to say this.

How about this right here? What? If there wasn't, then if there are executives who doubt that we should bring this thing back, we should just show them that JCVD movie. We'll see what Jean-Claude Van Damme can really do, both comically and dramatically. I bought a bootleg of that on the streets of Bangkok. Really? Yes.

Seems like an oddly art-housey choice for them to have on the streets of Bangkok. They had that, and then what was the Leo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet movie from Revolutionary Road? Uh-huh. Just some viewing on my laptop while I was there. Right.

They had a very wide selection, but the funny thing about the packaging, there was that Clint Eastwood movie from last year. Gran Torino. Gran Torino. And there were pictures from different movies on the package for Gran Torino. The packaging was very inaccurate. And like one movie from last year, there was a quote from Gene Siskel about it.

Oh, he's dead. Gene Siskel, sadly long past member of Siskel and Ebert. Who do you think, Jordan, would be the winner in the underground fighting tournament? What form? Because we have mixed martial arts now. Do you think karate? Do you think wushu?

Do you think... Krav Maga. Krav Maga. I think it's whoever has the most heart and who's ever doing it for the purest reasons. You do need the heart of a champion. Yeah, yeah. If you're doing it for, like, revenge for your buddy, then you're totally going to win. I think you need more than that.

You know what I think you need? Two things. Number one, karate skills. Number two, wait a minute, I fucked it up. Number one, gymnastic skills. Number two, karate kills. Sure. You're going to need Gymkata, right?

You are going to need, yeah, I mean, if you have Gymkata, then you probably are going to win. You talk about underground fighting, but with ultimate fighting and strike force and the like, the underground fighting has gone above ground strike force it's a lesser ultimate fighting league yeah it's kind of like uh it's kind of like a triple a the usfl or the xfl right to ultimate fightings is this related to that thing we've talked about we've talked about the girl at my elementary school who did the monologue from Double Dragon,

the movie in drama class. We have. Is this related to that thing that she watched that was sort of like a cross between Power Rangers, professional wrestling, and a soap opera? No, no, no. I think this is just another...

Where they shoot magic bolts at each other. I think this is just another MMA. I think this is just where they shoot magic bolts at each other i think this is just another mma i think it's just another yeah not a live action street fighter okay look we've got telephone calls to take you guys uh every week on this show we ask people to call in when something momentous happens to them i don't need to explain this to you how you're a regular listener to the program we call this segment momentous occasions the number to call by the way if you ever have happens to them. I don't need to explain this to you, Hal. You're a regular listener to the program. We call this segment Momentous Occasions. The number to call, by the way, if you ever have a momentous occasion, 206-984-4FUN. Let's hear what John the Intern dredged out of our inbox this week. Hi, Jordan, Jessica. This is Sarah from Chicago, Illinois.

I am calling because of an extreme momentous occasion. I just witnessed my very first public sex expedition. I was on the L, the red line specifically. Expedition. And saw a woman, a rather large woman, thrusting upon the seat. And after departing, I discovered that they were, in fact, having sex. And there was a man underneath her. So that's a pretty momentous occasion for me.

I just thought you would like to know about it. And I love your show. Thanks. Bye. That is pretty momentous wow she was giggling like a school girl i think that that sounded like that made her maybe a little randy yeah i hope so yeah look out who wouldn't become randy i hope so for hal's sake sure i'm a married man right oh maybe i'll run into her out there, because you never know. In contrast to Hal's always catting about.

Sure. Is what I'm saying. Hal's a well-known cat about. Sure. A man about town. Cat about isn't an expression. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Zach from Grand Rapids, Michigan.

I've got a momentous occasion. I just had my first phone call where i got to yell at someone at work for not doing their job right i even got to sputter but that's unacceptable it's really empowering and then i bought a zune great day great day any day you buy a zune's a great day in my book yeah right come on good job dude nothing like the zune did you try that zune pass i sent you jordan no i haven't tried the Zune pass yet. Oh, we'll see how that Zune pass works out. I thought you retired from the Zune.

I did retire. I sold my Zune on eBay. I've got this information phone over here. It's a nice piece of equipment. I'm happy with it, but I do miss my Zune. Right. You still have love for the Zune. I do miss my Zune. Miss that Zune. I have love for the Zune like certain rappers still have love for the streets. You know? Mr. DRE.

Are you going to have a Zune for life tattoo? In old English. Yes. Across the back. Hey, Jordan, Jesse. I guess this is a momentous occasion I just Number one

If you're going to call it a momentous occasion Can we get a little more commitment than that? Yeah I guess Also, wait until you're not winded I don't know what Maybe your momentous occasion is running away from something Maybe it's just having been punched in the stomach

But If it's not either of those. If you're not mid-moment, then come on. Let's give him a shot before we prejudge. No, no, you're right. Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry. I just went hot tubbing on a late night.

You know what I mean? For the first time. Two girls. No funny stuff, but I thought it was the first time. Pretty momentous. Hot tubs are fun. This guy was definitely, John definitely included this guy because of his charisma.

Sure. Did you say hot tubbing on a late night? Hot tubbing on a late night. Yadda to mean? Oh, yeah. Hot tubbing on a late night. Yadda to do. Yadda to do. I don't know dude i mean great job and everything sounds like a blast and a half but uh you got two ladies in a hot tub on the late night and you can't make any funny stuff happen

sir you uh you need to go back to funny stuff school call us back when you have a double finger bang. You know, we... Go see the movie Funny People. There's been a lot of talk on the internet, in the forum, in the chat about what greeting people should use

to test the waters and find out if the person they're talking to is a fan of Jordan Jesse Go, The Sound of Young America. This has been a key issue because people don't want to nerd out over it if the other person isn't actually on board, even if there's some sign.

There's been a lot of suggestions. I think this is the way that we should go. I don't know if you guys know about this, but before the era of gay liberation, homosexuals were forced to keep their gender preferences, their romantic and sexual gender preferences, secret. This was called being a closet. And when two closets got together, they would have to talk to each other and figure out if the other guy was also a closet or if he was a heterosexual,

which they called an armoire. And the way they would do this was by asking each other, are you a friend of Dorothy? This was a code for, are you a closet? Which in turn was code for, are you a gay gentleman like myself? Sure. So here's what i'm suggesting you ask the person are you a friend of chips are you a friend of chip what do you think of this and the other person says are you a friend of dips how about that?

How about, do you like this certain podcast that I like? Jordan. What? We're trying to build up a mythos. All right. No, no, no. We need a mythos. You're right.

I think much like it was to be an out gay gentleman back in the day, having it be known that. An out gay gentleman? Yes. As opposed to a closet. Oh, you're referring to a chest of drawers. Oh, a chest of drawers. Go ahead. If it's out there that you're listening to Jordan Jesse go,

the stigma and the possible retribution, it's just too dangerous to bring up in the streets. Right. You're going to be a target immediately. Sure. Even to bring up in code. Even for code? Even for code.

So you're saying that no one should talk about it ever in any way? Yes. Okay. You know, in World War II, they used a Native American language. I believe it was... Wind talking. Wind talking. There you go.

What was the basis for the movie? Next. The Navajo language and the mtv show next it was the navajo the navajo language was used as a secret code um maybe we could use this is a great idea if you want to talk to somebody uh about jordan jesse go but you're not sure if they're a jordan jesse go fan you're a little bit nervous you don't want to look like a fool by bringing it up in front of them and they don't know what it is talk to them about it a little bit in navajo and if they talk back to you in navajo then they're a fan of the show if they don't if they don't understand what you're saying in navajo well

don't worry you've saved face what What about if you just start reciting lines from the movie Ghost Rider? Just randomly. I think it might be safer to have a nonverbal silent signal, such as just showing the top of your pubes. Pulling a few out. Just plucking them?

Oh, well, I wasn't thinking of the painful pluck i was just thinking of lowering your pants slightly or or your skirt if you're a lady jordan jesse go listen how would how would they know that you're not a gangsta who forgot to who was all out of clean underwear because you are more marky mark true if it is well if it is Mark Wahlberg or a gangster, go either way with that. Okay. So if it's Marky Mark, you should speak Navajo. Right. Yes.

And if it's a gangster... Ask him if he's a friend of Dorothy. There you go. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How rubbed it?

First time in a long time. I love it. It just feels right. Doesn't it, though? You know? Just like a fresh condom right out of the wrapper yeah it just feels right sliding it on um i feel like we had a good solid show jordan yes um what's going on in our world well we're headed in september to new york and philadelphia we talked about that

we've got uh some cool stuff going on with regard to a little contest called the High Five Contest. Jordan is going to be curating the High Five Contest during the month of August. He's going to be keeping an eye on your entries. Let's just go ahead and call August Jordan Month. Okay. August is Jordan Month here in MaximumFun.org land. Are you still going to blog on the blog? Yeah, I'm going to try and do a little blogging.

Jordan's going to try blogging. I may fail. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, so so you know like while jesse's gone direct all your questions to me i can't uh i can't promise anything no but i think you'll do a nice job thanks what constitutes a failed blog uh just a bunch of gobbledygook on the internet i want to send best wishes to oliver uh he's a regular on our forum oliver you know oliver from the forum very post a lot on the forum he recently got the shit kicked out of him oh my by a stranger on the street i'm sorry to hear that i had to go into like face surgery

yeah because you really got the shit kicked out of him um that is just the most horrible terrifying thing that just could ever ever happen to you and we're uh we're all thinking of you here at max fun world hq oliver um and of course how who i i'm uh is you know he's at a low point in his career yeah um and he's just at this point he has to go to thailand to make a movie he can't just walk out the door and make a movie he He's gone from Thailand. Like Mr. Seth Rogen. He's gone from doing movies in exotic foreign locales to doing podcasts in Koreatown. Yeah. Hal, it was a pleasure and a joy to have you on the show today.

Oh, it was a great thrill. And I actually listened to Jordan Jesse go while in Thailand when I was living in the middle of nowhere for three weeks. And it was a little taste of home. Oh, come on. That's what you like to hear, isn't it? You live at my house? I spend afternoons with Coco when you're not around. Gotcha.

Summer's here. Hal, let's just say that someone wants to spend some time with you. They've just heard about your work. Maybe they haven't seen you yet on the Reno 911s or in this popular Spy Kids movie. Yeah, I'd say a good place to go is funnierdie.com backslash Hal Rudnick. There you go. Yeah, why not? Or go to ucbcomedy.com and search Hal Rudnick.

Hal Rudnick. And Rudnick is spelled the traditional way, just like playwright Paul Rudnick. Exactly. Or the store Rudnick's in Studio City, R-U-D-N-I-C-K. If you are in the L.A. area, Hal and I have a monthly sketch comedy show that you can come to if you wanted to. It's called Marvin Berry. It's called Marvin Berry. At the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater.

Yes. A fine basket of shows they've been, so yeah yeah 206-9844-FUN if you have calls for the show jjgoe at maximumfun.org if you want to email us and um our theme music is love you by the free design from uh their great cd kites are fun the best of the free design that you should uh spend a little money on probably. And, um, yeah,

we'll see you. Uh, gosh, I won't see you for a month, but, uh, Jordan will see it. Well,

you got any special guests plan, Jordan? Uh, yes. Okay. I do. Oh, do I?

Awesome. Sounds special. Yeah. What are you doing next week? Okay. Well, we'll, uh,

we'll talk to you guys later. Bye-bye.