Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 108: Party Island

Episode Date: August 24, 2009

Bryan Safi and Amy Rhodes come by to chat with Jordan about butt shots, Sade, and much more!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, Go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, nanny, twiddle, dum, twiddle, Jesse Go, Jesse is still on sabbatical.

Brian Safi and Amy Rhodes join me to talk about celebrity butt shots, the best movies of the summer, and obnoxious L.A. tourist traps. Let's go. Welcome to Jordan, Jesse Go. I am Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jesse Thorne, still on sabbatical in Mexico. But in his stead, I have two fantastic, funny guests from the world of comedy. First, Mr. Brian Safi of Current TV's Infomania, a writer, producer, host on that program, whose regular segment, That's Gay, has become a very popular podcast, from what I understand.

What nice words. Yeah, I said them. I just went ahead and said them. Guest numero two is Amy Rhodes, a very funny actor, improviser, sketch comedian from the UCB Theater here in Los Angeles, a former contributor to the Funny or Die website, and a current writer for The Ellen DeGeneres Show. It's true. Amy, welcome to the program. Very rude words.

Yeah. I said them. Yes. Oh, and I should mention Brian, too, is also a very accomplished sketch improv comedian at the UCB. I included that in Amy's credits, but I didn't include it in yours. I apologize. It's all right. I credit where credit is due.

So, guys, yes, welcome to the program. Thanks for having us. Yeah. Thanks a lot. Yeah. Can I say that I have a cold? Just so no one... Get out of the way. I have us yeah thanks a lot yeah can i say that i have a cold just so no one get it get out i have i have a cold so yeah so you oh and also by the way uh i i don't

know you guys from what i understand maybe aren't regular listeners to the podcast that's okay even though we're friends and i i'm a little bugged by it but uh you guys can can think of nicknames if you want to for later in the no no mine's jordan moore's boy detective that's like that's like kind of set in stone well we do have nick we have the set nicknames yeah coconut mine's coconut so brian coconut safi yeah where did that come from oh god it's such a long line of things it started when i would call him i would say oh brian and then i started calling which sounds like oh brian so i started calling him conan like conan o'b. And then I started calling him, which sounds like O'Brien, so I started calling him Conan. Like Conan O'Brien.

And then I started calling you... Cocoa Butter. Cocoa Butter. That did not... That didn't go well. That's a little... Yeah. And then Cocoa.

Cocoa LaRue, I think, for a while, and then Cocoa, and then just Coconut. So it's kind of a cockney rhyming slang way to get a new name. Yeah. It took a lot of thought. Yeah. And her... Say yours. Mine rose okay after rose kennedy uh maybe no because you remind everyone it's mainly rose nyland and also you go well no you i was gonna say mamie rose, because for a while he called me Mamie and Mame. We're a lot of fun to hang out with. You guys sound like a blast. But then he'll say, oh, Rose.

That's sort of what it is. Oh, Rose. I'm wondering in the times that we've hung out, why we never do a thing where we say each other's names and then just say words that sound like the names and then come up with weird nicknames. Because we want you to keep hanging out with us. Yeah, that's part of it. words that sound like the names and then come up with weird nicknames because we want you to keep hanging out with us yeah but honestly if sometimes if i call brian brian like if it's the first thing i'm like hi brian he's like what's wrong because i didn't call him coconut he knows that i'm in like

oh it's a mode of being upset or something is like when your mom uses your middle name right wow that's how it is when amy uses my name. Okay. I call, yeah, it's pretty much Coconut all the time. Yeah. Guys, I thought maybe we could start the program. Not that the program hasn't started already, but we could, you know, officially start the program. You guys can maybe help me kind of decode a kind of baffling thing that happened to me recently. I was in Portland. I was working in Portland, Oregon.

Lovely city. Delightful. A lot of street people. A lot of... Like homeless people? Yeah, a lot of homeless, a lot of panhandling going on, which is fine, which is great. You know.

I think it sounds awful. Yeah, right. But I walked past a group of people, and these were not Vietnam vets. These weren't mentally ill people. These were kind of filthy 20-somethings who have chosen to be homeless. The worst. Right? The worst.

I mean, you're a former New Yorker. So is Brian. Oh, you both are. Was that a New York thing? Yes. I feel like I don't see that. It was a little bit. Where is it?

West 4th. They hang out by the mud truck. Yeah. They just hang out there. And it was the kind of thing where you'd walk by, they'd be like, hey, can I have a buck to buy a Red Bull? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, God. Handling for a Red Bull. I don't know about that. Yeah. I don't know. Yes, it is a thing. And you can tell that they're probably rich kids who just got mad at their parents, so now they're homeless for a little while. Gotcha. Were they aggressive towards you?

Well, here's the deal. So there's about five of them, and they're all in their mid-20s, I'm guessing maybe dropped out of the Berklee College of Music or something like that. They're wearing overalls and no shoes they're all dumb already yeah yeah i know they're all bearded they're all bearded men one of them is carrying a ukulele oh no uh can we swear on this podcast yeah you can swear so you know amos pads for future i almost i just almost had a cuss oh so um so i'm walking by, and I am carrying an empty tripod case due to a work snafu where the tripod case was left somewhere. That's another funny story that I'll get to later, how the tripod case got left. Anyway, so I walk by them, and one of them goes, what's in the bag, man?

And I said, nothing, and one of them goes, what's in the bag, man? And I said, nothing, and kept walking. And I get about 20 feet away from them, and then one of them yells at me, hey, at least I'm not carrying an empty bag, man. And then they all started laughing. This is gross. Street humor. In his head, I said something rude to him. Like, you know, in his head, that conversation went something like, what are you carrying? None of your business, you fucking hippie.

Get a job. Hey, at least I'm not carrying an empty bag, man. But all I said was nothing. Right. and then there was some sort of psychological disconnect where then he yelled a comeback to me and all his friends high-fived him like he had zinged me. Right.

Well, those people just have a chip on their shoulder. They're just angry. So they like create the man. They hate their rich parents. What else? They love drugs. They love the drug. They hate the system. They hate their rich parents. What else? They love drugs. They love the drug. They hate the system.

They hate the man. And yeah, I guess it's just that, I don't know. It's that thing of like, you know, calling your parents losers before, like right before you're punished or something. Gotcha. Like, you're not cool. I hate you. Bye. Okay.

But I wasn't, I was just walking around with an empty case though. That was my thing. I don't feel like I was trying to stick it to anyone of course you weren't well did you get did you feel really mad afterwards like he wanted to turn around and say like fuck you or yeah it was a combination of madness and confusion so i guess it worked i guess he got he he made me you know he he shook up the squares day um and i mean here i am talking about it weeks after the fact well it's irritating well i have actually seen you walk with that bag and you look like an asshole when you carry it. Well, and also, I guess I was also wearing my top hat and monocle.

Oh, okay. So I kind of looked like a highfalutin. Then what are we talking about? Were you also wearing a t-shirt that said, ask me what's in my bag? Yeah. And then the back of the t-shirt says, zing me no matter what I say. But is that, do you think that's relevant? I think all of that is relevant.

I think it's, yeah. Okay. Yeah. I can see that. Anyways. Well, great. Well, thank you guys. You've been a big help on that.

I mean, how did we help? Just tell you that you're a good person? Yeah. Like, tell me not to be pissed about it. Those people are jerks. Those people are gross. So, come to, and on the topic of the homeless, I was going to say more on the topic of the unwashed. Oh, God.

Another something that I had to do for work that's kind of been sticking in my craw lately. Not sticking in my craw. That's misrepresenting it. I had to go to a big uh metal festival recently like heavy metal like metal rock yeah like metal rock not like a metal working festival not a metal shop because i have been to those they're a lot of fun i just want to make sure we were all the same have you really been to no i wouldn't put it past you of all people what did you do this weekend i went to a metal festival. It just turns out.

Yeah, you seem like you would be maybe into arc welding. Crafty. Sure, yeah. Why not? Just some light soldering maybe on the weekends. Right. Yeah, that's my weekend. So metal festival, and I've never been that interested in metal music. I was into punk rock as a teen, but kind of drew the line at music to where kind of screaming was the main component.

That's kind of where I stopped being interested in the heavy music. Right. Anyways, but talking to these metal guys was fascinating. Totally fascinating. to these metal guys was fascinating totally fascinating talking to guys who played in metal bands because they're such dorks they are such incredible and i kind of had this picture of these guys in my head to where it would kind of be all about you know hard drinking and fuck the man and fuck bush and you know just kind of had this idea of these guys in my head, and they are as geeky about metal as they are about, you know, as a guy is about the continuity between.

And they love comedians, right? They love comedians, don't they? Oh, good question. I feel like comedians make those kind of guys nervous. Oh, yeah? This is all, by the way, on brett michaels and nothing else does he count yeah i think no you know this is a different breed i think maybe at one point brett michaels was considered at the time right back in his heyday wasn't he in a heavy metal band

wasn't poison to have his poison count i think poison is a hair metal hair metal this is like what's what is a heavy metal band then what's uh's an example? This is kind of what was going on in the background for my whole day. What's the most famous heavy metal band? Iron Maiden? Yeah, like Iron Maiden's a good example. Slayer, a good example. Marilyn Manson was the... Is Metallica a heavy metal band? Metallica's a heavy metal band. Oh. Iron Maiden? Yeah, like Iron Maiden's a good example. Oh, okay. Slayer, a good example. Yeah.

Marilyn Manson was the- Is Metallica a heavy metal band? Metallica's a heavy metal band. And have you ever seen that documentary on Metallica? Oh, Some Kind of Monster? I have. That's a good documentary. And they're dorks.

Yeah, they totally are. They're nerdy and- Is it dorky in the way that like, you know, like Trenchcoat, video game, Dungeons and Dragons kind of thing? that's what i'd imagine dungeons and dragons specifically but you i i you can't tell what these guys are singing about they're saying what uh what and uh there's this whole myth all there's like what you're singing about determines what category of metal you're in if you say black metal you're screaming about like a wizard or if you say death metal you're screaming about uh you know like a serial killer from the 1800s and it's very

like categorical anyways i was fascinated by these guys and it kind of led me to want a metal friend really yeah i just want a metal guy to like i don't want to listen to more metal music i feel like i'm done listening to it but you want to hang out with them i kind of want like a metal guy to pal around with me anyways i want hip-hop i want a rap friend yeah what do you feel like a rap friend would do for you i don't know i just think i'm like obsessed with rappers and their lives i think they're so cool you don't like a famous rapper that's a little bit different I feel like you want a famous rapper friend to fly you around in his blimp

I want to eat champagne in his pimp ship yeah sure his pimp dirigible yeah no I mean yeah that would be nice right I don't I think rappers like hip hop guys are the coolest and their lives are the craziest

yeah they're always like beefing and very sensitive you want to be caught you want to be caught in the crossfire then when there's a beef going on yeah okay basically i want to be clean high drama yeah i don't i see my my want of a metal buddy is a little different i mean i kind of just want one to come over to the house play some video games uh you know go to get a beer with like i don't i want what kind of musician from easy listening all the way because i feel i'll tell you why because i feel like they would just come over and lounge and relax and talk to you in soft tones and get you a brandy i feel that'd be nice like who Like who? I don't know. Carly Simon.

Oh, yeah. She wouldn't be crazier. She would come up. No, not Carly Simon. Carly Simon. Sade. Sade, crazy. Not these people specifically,

but just that attitude would be nice. Sade would bust into your apartment. I think it'd be relaxing. Life is so stressful. You just want an easy listening, like, aficionado to come over to your house. Yeah, not it. I feel like the easy listening people areficionado to come over to you yeah not sure i

feel like the easy listening people are probably real crazy like shade you don't think that she'd bust into your apartment and be like girl we gotta talk about some shit no oh i do you think like this there's like there's a like a cocaine fueled break-in oh that would go on with oh yeah i think they're well i don't know if she's a coke head i don't know just they feel everything that might be you know what because i i'm i'm not friends with anyone that's like super into yoga or you know that kind of thing very spiritual people that might be interesting to be around like i think maybe the same thing that a metal person might be i don't know it might be a fun addition okay i find the spirit i find the spiritual annoying it's super annoying

have you ever taken a yoga class no you know I've never been to one yoga class I should I should go to a yoga class we go to Bikram yoga which is the heated yoga it's the heated and one lady will tell you to make your to lay down or to smash your body so that you look like a panini

it's gross she says panini in a hot yoga class it was 110 degrees in there and she's talking about a panini sandwich it's disgusting. But I will say that. And spin around like you're a pomegranate smoothie. I feel like, and I could be wrong.

I think you might think the same thing. I've never met one person in a yoga class that I felt like I would actually want to hang out with. I'm eating my words now. You're right. They're awful. Honestly, they're rude as people ever. Can we go back to the heated yoga yeah are you guys just saying that the classroom's hot oh no it's supposed to be hot yeah they heat it okay like a i want to say 120

no it's hot 180 yeah i think you would die it's really hot i really do literally think it's 110 degrees and then they also have the humidifier in there so that there's like some movement of the air. But it's 26 poses. It's an hour and a half. And you do the same 26 poses every time. Half of them are standing up. And then the other half you're laying on your mat. And it literally, when we went to start, we always get coffee.

Afterwards, this one lady goes, did you guys just go swimming? I mean, that's what you look like. You're soaked. But it kind of feels nice it feels really good afterwards um it can be a little like you it can be like a little bit of a mind fuck in there because you get so hot your brain starts to slow down one time what was the song that you said just went through your head for an hour and a half after ladies night yeah ladies night he just was like so you were sweating so much that you couldn't stop singing ladies ladies night that's it and i remember one class an hour and a half i just

thought about britney spears for no reason i was just like what's britney spears life like or whatever you just you can't really think about more than sort of like one real simple thing it's just the first thing you see when you like colors yeah like you'll be like what are the colors that american apparel offers in a shirt And then you just go through all the colors and then you're like, oh, class is over. Gotcha. Sort of, right? That's it. Now, here's something that I – you said you haven't met one person in a yoga class who you would want to hang out with outside the yoga class.

That's true. From what I understand, a yoga class is a popular place to meet a date or a sex partner. Have you ever met anyone in a yoga class that you had wanted to date or have sex with? No, because the problem is there was one person that I thought was cute. But then the next thing you know, literally, because you basically in those classes just wear your underwear. The guys do pretty much because you get so hot. By the end of it, it's just like hairy balls through white material in your face like it's gross by the end of it it's disgusting so you're sweating nasty oh you get to see the

balls right basically through the remember that guy that was next to me and in front of you yeah we thought he was cute but by the end of the class you're like you're disgusting when i was on the floor all i saw was just his balls just his his balls. Every time we were doing a pose. I feel like just the male genitals have no mystique to them. I feel I get... Ugly. Yeah, right? They're horrible. They really are, you guys. No offense. Yeah, no, I mean, hey,

I don't like looking at mine. The balls. It's just the balls that are kind of like... You're fine with the penis? Yeah. Okay. It all seems pretty freaky to me. I mean, it just does. It's weird the balls that are kind of like... You're fine with the penis? Yeah. Okay. It all seems pretty freaky to me. I mean, it's weird. Yeah.

So yeah, but it's interesting. Like, just a man who is attractive otherwise just seeing his balls renders him... You know what? Okay, this is actually a good topic. I was having an argument about this at work. The position of my workmate was that for every set of tits in a movie, for every pair of tits you see in a major R-rated motion picture, it would be great to see a man's penis. I'm saying that's not equal because maybe when the gals go to see X-Men for Hugh Jackman kind of popping popping out of that tank if his penis flopped up that would maybe hurt the mystique thoughts amy you go first i i don't know for me it's sort of what

huge when you think hugh jackman you think like the chest the upper body i mean that's what's sexy right sure i don't know that's what i would think i agree i agree yeah also like who cares about seeing girls boobs i think men's asses are a lot nicer than women's asses. Yeah, oh yeah. I feel like the male butt in a movie is a pretty, you know, or at least maybe in the late 80s, early 90s. Mel Gibson thing. Yeah, sure, Mel Gibson, Patrick Swayze, the butt shot was par for the course. Shirtless guys, that's the thing.

Sure, you don't want, you're not just dying to know what gerard butler's penis looks like yeah although yeah although remember when dustin michael is that his name dustin lance black dustin lance black who wrote um milk milk um he like um there were some nude photos of him online okay and i immediately I immediately was like, he's gay, but like he's, he's really good looking. And I immediately was like, I want to see these. The good looking screenwriter,

not something you hear about a lot. Oh, he's adorable. They're usually kind of fat dumpuses. Yeah. He's not. He's not. He's real cute.

And I made the mistake of being like, oh, I want to see you dress. I'm curious. And it was the most, it was the most graphic sex pictures i've ever seen and what are we talking we talking like he's in a guy's butthole in a close-up i've never seen anything like that i don't need i i don't that was too much for me okay so yeah so this is so

this is someone who you have found attractive otherwise like okay, okay, so if we take, like, okay, who do I find super attractive? Like, Johnny Depp. I don't ever think about, like, what his dick looks like. I don't. Yeah, yeah. And I think that this argument that was being made was more just one of, you know, gender equality. Like, let's see the goods, fellas.

I think boobs and butts is gender equality. No, I am real into, like, i am real into like the shirt situation or the shirtless okay so you're saying sure you're maybe maybe the concession we can come to is for every naked pair of boobs in a movie maybe a naked male butt is a sure as a corollary i work butt, is it, the nude male butt is not as, is not as common a thing as it is maybe in the heyday of a Mel Gibson, of a Patrick Swayze.

No, it's not. What, what popular butts have we seen on film recently? I mean, it's now for comedy. Like Jason Segel, like,

Oh yeah. His, in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, like just, it's all for comedy or whatever. Yeah, you know,

and I feel like that's, that, that, that when the male penis does come up in Yeah, you know, and I feel like that's, that when the male penis does come up in a major motion picture, it's not, no one's aroused. What are the popular dick scenes in movies recently? Observe and Report

had a big dick situation. It did. Seth Rogen's? No, you know, it was a, they were, Well, Bruno had a huge one. Bruno, yes.

Bruno had a, it was a CGI dick though. I don't know if that counts. Oh, it was? Oh, yeah. But, I mean, regardless, regardless, it was a huge one. Bruno, yes. Bruno had a... It was a CGI dick, though. I don't know if that counts. Oh, it was? Oh, yeah. But regardless, it was played for laughs. Right. So, yeah, yeah.

So I feel like that always when the penis is displayed, it's a laugh, so therefore we'll never be arousing, you know? Agreed. Anyways. But do you get... Well, do you like seeing... well, do you like seeing, like, do you like seeing boobs in movies?

I mean, is it exciting or, or is it sort of like at this point, like, who cares? Yeah. You know, I,

you know, I definitely remember, you know, my first few R rated movies that I saw as a kid and the boobs in them being, you know, life-changing. Right. Yeah, I remember Terminator 1. And every 80s kind of early 90s action movie had just a gratuitous boob scene. We're talking Demolition Man, gratuitous boob scene, Terminator 1, Commando, Bloodsport.

These are all kind of the places where I saw my first movie boobs. Okay. Yeah, no, and it's huge, and I'm sure too. Although, yeah, I don't know with today's internet teens that the movie boobs are such a thing. I feel like it's not that big of a deal now. But, you know, no, but I feel like I still, when I do see boobs in a movie, it's still, you know, oh, hey. There's boobies. All right.

So, yes. Yeah. Okay. Wait, wait. Back to the, which, what have been the famous sex symbol butts on film recently? Recently? I don't know. I feel like Brad Pitt in photo shoots always shows his butt yeah

he does like in w magazine he did there was a famous one like the silhouette of his butt like his butt have we seen have we seen david beckham by you see his package in those armani ads remember that was a big deal i don't remember david beckham you see he did these armani underwear ads you're gonna see the outline you kind of see the outline That was a big deal I don't know What are the recent famous movie butts I have no idea I can't think of

No that's another comedy one Seth Rogen and Knocked Up also Oh that's right What is that movie that Viggo Mortensen was in Oh Eastern Promises Yeah That was a huge scene And a penis scene What is that movie that Viggo Mortensen was in? Oh, Eastern Promises. Yeah. Yeah.

That was a huge scene. And a penis scene. Oh, really? Yeah. And then he was in another movie before that where he played the guy. History of Violence? Yes. Yes.

And you saw his butt in that. He likes to show his butt. I don't mind it. Viggo Mortensen would kind of go for broke. You're fine with seeing Viggo's butt. He's hot. He's just like... A lot of it too with guys. I think with girls, like and I could be wrong, I think if a pretty girl is showing her boobs

like great, you're down for it. But I think there's something about like you want... The guy has to be sexy for it to mean anything. Like David Beckham or Viggo Mortensen these guys are like sexy so it's like when seth not that seth rogan i'm sure he's no sure i'm sure he's delightful but like but no sure he's not he's not he is not being filmed for his sex appeal yeah so when

he shows his butt like it is for comedy that um i guess guys i think like i feel like that's a good place to leave it for this particular segment uh thank you uh this is jordan jesse go of course joining me today uh brian safi and amy rose we will be back in just a few seconds Welcome back to Jordan, Jesse Go. I am Jordan Morris, boy detective. Guys, now is the time where you say your names and your nicknames. Oh, Brian Coconut Safi. Amy Rose Rhodes. It doesn't really work. It's a middle name.

I'm sorry. I feel like the one-syllable nickname maybe isn't as effective. Well, there's the Spanish version. We've done that. Rota. That's supposed to be called that. Rota. Okay, yeah.

Let's stick with that. All right. Okay. I'm Rota. I'm Rota. I'm Rota. Que pasa? That's great. Boom. I'm Rafa. You say Rafa. Que pasa? That's great.

Boom. Go with it. Amy, something, an interesting topic that I wanted to bring up with you. Hit me. You have this kind of job, this new job on the fantastic Ellen DeGeneres television program. Yes. A program by which I was briefly employed as a PA. I know.

But Ellen is a daytime talk show. Yes. I would say that the audience is mom-centric. Yes. Moms are the prime get. The comedy that I have seen you uh on the stage and on the internet uh could could best be described as filthy completely uh filthy when i got this job brian brian said to me finally you're gonna do something that your mom will actually be proud of yeah um so A, how did you go about getting this job, given that I'm sure you have some clean writing samples, but I'm, you know, I guess that you have far more filthy ones.

And kind of B, when you are in the kind of the room, as they call it, when you're brainstorming, when you're thinking of content for the show, uh, uh, do you have to hold your tongue? It depends when I'm with just the other writers, there's five of us and they're all really funny. And I think the first, when I first got there, I,

I was like, I'm going to clean up my acts. I want to behave maybe like four days in, like in a, in a writer's meeting. It was just the five of us. I started doing like, just in like in a in a writer's meeting it was just the five of us i started doing like just being like pussy pussy what if what if we did something where about with a huge pussy and like a giant inflatable i don't know i was just doing some and so it was just over like it was just like oh that's what she does you know know? So now this is kind of your –

I wouldn't do that in front of my boss. Sure. And I would not – I would say it's kind of refreshing not to have to be dirty. It's kind of fun. Yeah. Okay. But I think mostly at work now, Brian and I, I am sometimes, and I think that's where I get my dirty out. Like we'll just be disgusting over I am.

Gotcha. His job, Brian's writing job is a little more, he gets to swear and be a little more dirty. Yeah. But smart dirty because you're cable. Right. And it's for like people in their 20s. Yeah, I've seen your segment.

And kind of the idea is that for it to be kind of edgy and maybe even a little maybe even a little in your face yes those are what those are great words to describe it sure um but yeah it's yeah it's totally different i mean our uh my target audience isn't you know isn't mom so it's it's uh sort of right whatever i want but i would i don't know i would think that would be a lot harder though to not go dirty because i mean yeah that's sort of our mo yeah yeah it has it i mean there it has posed problems like where i'll be writing something and i'll think of like this joke is really funny and it's really dirty and i just like no i can't

i have to think of like a tame way of saying it or whatever do you want to is is there an example do you have a a doozy of an ellen joke no no okay no i understand no i mean not off the top of my head but like um well one thing i also notice that i i will write jokes that they'll kind of be like this is funny but she wouldn't say that and then i realize it's like me writing something that i would say a little bit so that's just like a shift i have to make but like i also find her to be super funny and her comedy to be um smart so i feel like it i mean it's been a shift but like i enjoy i've i certainly think she has she's um she's a clever comedian like i like her i like her um style so it's an it's a clever comedian. I like her style. So it's a good person to be writing for, I think.

Are you worried that your new workmates or a super fan of the show will find an internet video of you, say, setting a handjob record or something like that? They know where I came from. They know I did stuff at Funny or Die like that they know where i came from they know i did stuff at funny or die so they know i would like i would just probably like um not be like like brian and i are doing we wrote a two-person show that we're doing at ecb and i probably wouldn't ask my like direct bosses to come because like it's about like the first sketch is we talk about eating pussy for three minutes so i'm like they probably would be like what is that it's not that's not good what in in what way do you talk about uh eating pussy just just out of curiosity i might be even off the topic two douchebags running and running canyon we run into each other talk about the scripts we're selling and talk about the

pussy we're eating yeah okay great fantastic basically when brian and i just say we want to write a sketch show this was we sat down for our first meeting, and we were like, so what do we want to do? What do we want our two-person sketch show to be? Trying to come up with ideas. And Brian was like, I want to do a sketch where we just talk about eating pussy. And I was like, okay.

And I was like, I want to play hip-hop characters who swear a lot. And he was like, okay. And that was sort of how we started it, and then we wrote the show. So we purposely wrote that show to be as, like, like it's the first show that I. Get it all out. Yeah.

We were just like, I guess this is just as dirty as we want to be. Now, Brian, you're bit for current, and let me know if I'm misrepresenting this, but it kind of deals with the topic of gays in the media. That's absolutely right. Now, that seems like something that might get political a little faster than you would want it to. Is that – do you have to – are you on pins and needles because maybe this is something that is easily railed about by a certain lobbying group yeah in fact um it's the kind of thing where i think every every time i i think of a

new topic or something you know way to go about it i always try to think of like how can i make this funny first and my boss usually is the one trying to push me to make it a little bit more political but um i don't think i'm very i don't know i it's a fine line i don't want to cross it like and i think that there are so many watchdogs out there already um who uh i don't know sometimes i worry that the gay organizations are going to come across like pita a little bit you know okay they're just they're watching everything so closely and i guess it's fun to make people aware of it but also to make people think like oh this is so stupid and hilarious gotcha and at pita pita is pita known for being a a finicky humorless organization they're just like a little bit much it's like we get it relax yeah exactly um i think they are i

think it's yeah i think it's sort of i remember they have like an ad campaign but i think brian your thing is like really really smart it's like funny and smart which is like and educational like smart in a way that it like it's it's it's i think it's i think it's getting to people who are you know maybe straight people who haven't thought about some of this stuff and that's actually where like what's so awesome about it is getting feedback from people like that like you know straight dudes who are like no homo i get this all the time no homo but i think you're really funny literally say no homo and um we didn't say i'm no homo or just no no homo it's like a phrase

it's a hip-hop it's a hip-hop phrase meaning like it's a disclaimer like i'm not gay right but really like when they rap about like if they're if they're rapping you know about another rapper that they like you know if then then in the rap they'll be like no homo really yeah interesting yeah no so i get that a lot no homo or Really? Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, no homo. That's how I get that a lot. No homo. Or like, I'm not hitting on you, but I think you're really funny. Gotcha.

Stuff like that. Which is great. I actually love it. Sure. That's the best. And yeah, I think it, I don't know. I think, this sounds really cliche, but I think people listen more when it's funny. Yeah.

You know? Yeah, I think that's, okay. Good. Yeah. Guys, next order of business on the show yes uh this is a recurring segment uh i i think i've probably changed the name of this segment every time i've said it but uh the essential gist of this um as two people who make jokes on a day-to-day basis both as part of your professional lives and then just to – Just for fun.

Just for laughs. Oftentimes, you will make a joke. You will loudly proclaim a joke in a public space or in a workspace that joke, to reset it up in hopes that it will find the audience that it did not get the first time. And this is my recent one. I was sitting waiting for a press junket to start and kind of of you know just sitting around at tables are the other members of the entertainment media uh who i think i've i've said once or twice on this show are very awful people the people who do entertainment reporting in general are pretty obnoxious people um you know

definitely a few exceptions but uh uh for the part, these are bad people, I would say. Anyway, so there's one woman who is loudly, loudly talking about a recent trip to India that she took. Excuse me. Oh, there's going to be a burp, too. Yes. Maybe that'll get it edited out. Maybe it won't. I don't think it should um yeah given given

the level of uh professionalism of these jordan only podcasts i would say that it probably won't um there's a woman loudly talking about a trip to i want to say india new delhi new delhi's in india is it those are two different places no that's the same thing i mean new delhi's in india in India. Yes. Is it? Are those two different places? No, that's the same thing. Okay.

I mean, New Delhi's in India. Sure. Yes. Oh, no. Yes, it is. Okay. I think so. Great.

Okay. Great. Dubai? No. Probably not Dubai. That's a man-made island. Mumbai? This woman went to a crazy place.

Dubai's not in India? I think Dubai is in the Middle East. No, I don't think it's in India. Dubai is a man-made party island. What? Near Saudi Arabia. Dubai's like made of gold. I don't think that's true. Okay. is in the middle east dubai is by i think dubai is a man-made party island what near saudi arabia dubai is like made of gold what okay here's here's something i know about dubai that is equally crazy to being made of gold if you look at dubai from the air the islands are in the shape

of a poem an arabic poem written by the king of dubai is that true are they made they're man-made islands yes yeah they have the islands that are gonna look like the globe oh when they're done i guess like they're shaped like little countries okay yes someone told me this is just a vacation spot or people live there you know it's it's a place where i think the kind of the the the rich and famous of the world at large go to gamble and kill somebody for fun. It's like where you go when you want to when a rich guy wants to murder somebody.

Like Sade would go there. You guys would just chill together. We would just chill there. Hunt men for sport. Anyways, this woman was talking about a trip to India that she took with a volunteer group.

She kept saying, this is with a volunteer group. This is with a volunteer group. Uh, but she's like, oh, you know, it's like, but it's great. You pay, I paid $5,000 and you get put up at a pretty nice hotel and like, blah, blah, blah. You volunteer during the day, you do whatever. hotel and like blah blah blah you volunteer during the day you do whatever and then like there's totally plenty of time for like shopping and traveling and stuff like that uh and i said uh i'm doing a lot of volunteer work in vegas recently uh what i do is i walk strippers out

to their cars after they get done working nothing she didn't say anything she didn't think that i know i i did she look at you did she give you a nasty look no not even a look that was just said Nothing. She didn't say anything. She didn't think that. I know. Did she look at you? Did she give you a nasty look? No, not even a look. That was just said to no one. I feel like that's an okay joke. I think it's an okay joke. I think it's good.

Yeah? I don't know. Especially to someone who was just probably. She didn't know that she was being kind of obnoxious. And, you know, this is said by a guy who does no volunteer work at all. So I'm sure what little volunteer work she was doing... It's about a woman who probably was doing a story on like Hayley Duff. Yeah, right.

Sure, yes. Right, right, right. This is a woman who has a Duff-based income. Exactly. Right, right. So, you know, I appreciate that she tried to make part of her vacation volunteer-based but sounded kind of like... And I wasn't necessarily looking for the laugh from her.

Maybe it's just the people around. Maybe. Were her eyes closed through most of that story? Just like, I went to India. Was she really sincere and somber about it? Yes. No, she was very. But really wanted us to know that she still found

a lot of time for shopping and traveling and hanging out, nightlife stuff. Nice. Anyways, I'll open this up to the floor now we have this space to retell a joke uh do we do you have i have i do have a specific i want to hear it it was a work it's not i mean the joke's not whatever so basically what happened is everyone was sitting around at a writer's meeting at work um and the subject came up um does anyone have any tattoos and i do but no one said yes so i didn't say anything i was still pretty new there so it was just like

play it cool like no you don't and they're and so everyone was talking about tattoos like oh why don't you have one and what would you get and i go what would you guys do if i just lifted up a pant leg right now and all of you were tattooed on my leg, I got good. Really? No, they just thought you were some kind of creep. I think they thought, I think it was like still too early.

Yeah, maybe. And so they thought I was, I was creepy. Um, yeah. So that was mine. I mean,

this is an old one, but I'll just tell you, this can be, this can be, yeah, this can be dated. So one time, like most of my jokes, I know if I'm with Brian, I can say something and he'll find it funny.

But a lot of times I forget that most other people don't really find me funny. We were in a Starbucks once for work with two other people. And the woman just seemed a little frazzled when she's getting the Starbucks, right? She seemed a little frazzled. little frazzled when she's getting the Starbucks, right? She seemed a little frazzled. And she's taking the order and then she's like, I have to go in the back and get some straws.

And before she walked away and she was still with an earshot, I was like, what if she just goes in the back and shoots herself in the face? And I started laughing really hard and then she looked really upset. The people that I was with walked away. Wow. i stood by her though no one else found it funny they were just like you and you felt like her frazzledness

like what if she was just like i'm gonna go get straws and then she just was like oh that order was huge and killed herself you know i thought i mean and that's the other thing is i i think brian and i both like always are like you need to kill yourself or you should kill yourself to people and i i feel like that's taken the wrong way a lot of times that one has already bit me in the ass but i still use it wait did somebody say like i know someone that killed themselves i've used it in front of people suicides in there yeah yeah exactly and i've oh god what a feeling but i don't stop no don't no reason to oh gosh well we're jerks uh we'll be right back on jordan jesse go La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Amy, it's Rosa Rhodes. Good? Better? Rosa? Jordan's not pleased.

I don't know. I'm not nuts about it. How about Mamie? Honestly? Amy Mamie Rhodes. Yep. We all laughed. Yeah. It's now Mamie.

No. God, Amy, yours is not sticking. Deal with it. It's Rose. Guys, the summer season, as we are are taping this is drawing to a close and that means the summer blockbuster season is over and i'm uh and i kind of see a see a see a forlorn look creeping over everybody's face as i say that because i know all of us look forward to the to the summer blockbusters that roll out every year i swore i was going to go

to the beach six times this summer. I only went once. It's one more time than I went. Okay, brief diversion from the movie topic. No, no, this is fine. Diversions are kind of our bread and butter on this podcast. I know what you mean about setting this beach minimum. I feel like I do it.

I feel like it's very common saying, well, now it's summer. I'm going to go to the beach X amount of times. And it's one of those things like I'm going to read more books or I'm going to jog more or I'm going to write thank you notes. It's this weird goal you set for yourself. And I'm wondering why. Why is the beach a good-for-you thing?

Because we... Okay. Yes. Don't take offense, because I know you're from around here. Sure. But correct me if I'm wrong. Isn't it sort of a part of... Like, you're like, if I have to live in L.A., I might as well go to the beach.

Yeah. I mean, L.A.'s not the greatest, like, place to live. Okay, so it's maybe just like, let's do something to make ourselves appreciate LA. But yeah, like, oh, we live in LA. It's great because we're at the beach. And then you come back and you're like, but it's also... Yeah, because we get... I don't know.

I get that a lot when I go for holidays. Like, are you just at the beach every day? Yeah. No. Once in three months. Oh, and I guess there's that embarrassment when you go somewhere, you know, whether it be home or whether it be on a trip or wherever, and you say you're from Southern California and you're not tan.

I think that's always a little bit embarrassing. That's kind of embarrassing. I guess also, like, all my friends think at home that I hang out at, like, the Sunset Strip. Okay. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I wish I did.

Viper Room. Oh, God. What is that place with the mechanical bull? Oh, Saddle Ranch. Saddle Ranch. Sky Bar. Brian does hang out at the Saddle Ranch a lot. I do go to Saddle Ranch a lot. Oh, God. What is that place with the mechanical bull? Oh, Saddle Ranch. Saddle Ranch. Sky Bar. Brian does hang out at the Saddle Ranch a lot. I do go to Saddle Ranch a lot.

Oh, Saddle Ranch story. I've got one. Okay, so for people who don't know, for the non-Angeleno, the Saddle Ranch is – there's two Saddle Ranches. There's the Sunset Strip Saddle Ranch and then there's the Universal City Walk. There is another one? There's one in Universal City. I've never been to that one. There's the Sunset Strip Saddle Ranch and then there's the Universal City Walk. There is another one? There's one in Universal City. I've never been to that one.

It's a franchise. Yeah. And this is an obnoxious Western-themed bar where a lot of reality dating shows, a lot of – Brett Michaels has been there. Sure, absolutely. He took Heather there on a date once. Very popular reality dating show date destination. Urban Cowboy, wasn't that there?

I don't know. The bull riding thing? Well, the big... The movie Urban Cowboy with... That's where they rode the bull with Debra Winger. Oh, I'm thinking of Midnight Cowboy. And I was like, there was no part of Midnight Cowboy that took place. No, John Travolta, Urban Cowboy.

I'm thinking of Midnight Express, where those guys try and smuggle drugs into Thailand. Not that one either. That was not. That did also not take place in Saddle Ranch. What's the movie, Debra Winger, what's the one with Dolly Parton and Fried Green Tomatoes? No. Rhinestone. Rhinestone? Who's in that? Dolly Parton the movie. And Sylvester Stallone?

Sly. Dollywood. Fried Green Tomatoes. Is Dolly Parton in that? She's not. What is Dolly Parton? sly dollywood dolly with the tomatoes what is dolly part oh i'm thinking steel magnolia okay uh steel magnolia is the first my mom took me to that as a child upon its initial release i forget what year it was uh in the first movie i the first move one of the things the first movie i cried in movie one of the I think the first movie I cried in oh for sure how could you not and my I even forget

what the plot is but it has something to do with a child's mom dying Julia Roberts is it Julia Roberts yes okay sorry spoiler alert

for those of you who had steel she has diabetes on your Netflix she has diabetes and she dies Brian is purposely mispronouncing

the word diabetes no she does she has diabetes. No, she does. She has diabetes. Yeah. She does. She passes. Okay. Of diabetes.

And I remember crying in this movie at the tender age. You cried when Sally Field started going, I just want to feel something. I want to feel something. And she's freaking out at the funeral, right? That's when you start crying. You know, I only associate the name Steel Magnolias with crying i can't honestly can't remember the plot of it um and i remember crying in this and my mom kind of looking over at me with a kind of a little you know mona lisa smile in that like you like, Hey, I think the kind of the implication was like,

Oh, Hey, my son is sensitive and he is like, he's, he's, he can feel this on a deep level. And this is a movie about women's issues and he's compassionate, but I was only feeling,

fuck you for taking me to this movie. I'm crying in public and I hate this. And I'm realizing things about death. Same problem with the movie, my girl, uh, with Macaulay Culkin. I don't even think that was necessary for that movie. He dies of multiple bee stings. Awful. Awful.

This is Macaulay Culkin's follow-up to Home Alone where he gets killed by a swarm of bees. Yeah. Awful. Yeah, I hate crying in movies and it doesn't feel good to me and it doesn't feel... Did you cry in any movies this summer? I did.

I did. Oh, can I tell my Saddle Ranch story first? Oh, yeah. Before we get too far away from it. That's okay. We have plenty of time. Back to my Saddle Ranch story. I don't know if I've told – and I always feel like I preface every story on this podcast saying,

I don't know if I've told this before. We've done a hundred some odd issues. If there's a repeat story, you know, fucking don't complain about it on the internet. We're just free entertainment people. So the bread and butter of the Saddle Ranch is a mechanical bull in the middle. And it's a place kind of where yahoos go to get drunk. And there's one on the Sunset Strip, which is the Sunset Strip. And there's also one at Universal City Walk, which is kind of just a big neon mall where tourists go.

Anyways, oh, I was working for The Ellen Show at this point, and they were doing a shoot at Universal Studios. And one of the producers of the show is a vegetarian and couldn't eat the catering. So someone said to me, like, Hey, Jordan, would you go try and find her, you know, just a vegetarian meal to have? You know, and they said maybe like a veggie sandwich or a Caprese sandwich, which is a—

Really? Like, anywhere at Universal Studios has a Caprese sandwich. Well, hold on. This is going to enter into it. So it's good to know that you're of that opinion, like fucking really. Right. Anyways, so I go to the Saddle Ranch. And the menu of the Saddle Ranch is not, I wouldn't call it. It's buffalo wings. Yeah, it's a lot of like bar food.

It's a lot of, you know, just. Big burgers and buffalo wings. Sure. I just go up to the guy at the Saddle Ranch. And I say, hey, do you you guys have any do you guys just have a vegetarian sandwich like a veggie sandwich or a caprese sandwich he erupts into laughter he's like ah and he started he starts yelling at the guy working at him he's like hey this guy's ordering a caprese sandwich this guy's coming into the chop house he calls it the chop house he's guys

coming into the chop house and order a Caprese sandwich. Oh my god. What a dick. Like for some reason that this place that is in the most touristy part of LA is actually some shit-kicking honky-tonk. Right. Like where – it's like – no. Like this is a tourist trap where assholes go to get drunk off margaritas. Am I off base by thinking you serve a caprese sandwich

you know i was duped by that place once before too i've been to their their one time and the waiter came over and said his name was jersey what like just call me you know if you need something so at one point i asked it was like can you bring jersey over and ever those assholes there like five of those waiters all decided that night that they would all be called Jersey so that every time someone asked for them, a different person would come up and not know what the last person was talking about. And it was the Universal City one. Specializes in humiliation. Done with them. But Amy, you're saying that maybe I was off base for asking for a Caprese sandwich.

No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying that someone going to a PA and going, can you find a Caprese sandwich at Universal Studios or Universal City? It's just kind of like, just anything vegetarian will do at that point. A salad, no meat, you know what I mean? Yeah. I don't think that they needed to yell at you that much, though. Yeah, well, no. Definitely, like, the Saddle Ranch guy

had this elevated opinion of his novelty douchebag theme restaurant that... Just pride of being an awful person. Yeah, sure. It's awful. Absolutely.

Anyways, the summer films. We were going to talk about the summer films. I have actually... I have actually had to see a glut of movies for work recently that I can speak on. But did you cry in any summer films?

Yeah, did you cry in any of them? No, it's just been a long, long time since I've cried in a movie. Maybe the last one was Braveheart. That might have been the last movie I cried in. Such a dude. Which was a long, long time ago. I can't believe that. That's, yeah.

It's like my dad cries at Braveheart. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know. It's an emotional movie. There's a lot of dude feelings. Do you now's like my dad cries at Braveheart. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, sure. It's an emotional movie. There's a lot of dude feelings. Do you now feel bad that you cried at Braveheart? You know, I, all the movies that I cried during, I'm mad at. Like, I have lifelong grudges to the movie.

And maybe this is a critique of my character. Maybe I need to learn to cry and enjoy it and be cathartic. But no, I hold lifelong grudges against the movies that I've cried in, for sure. Did you cry in any movies? I can't remember. I did. I cried in Up. Oh, I cried in Up. For sure I cried in Up. Up's pretty cry-worthy. And I did not cry in it, but then I

have heard a lot of reports of crying at Up. I cried in Up. Gross. And I also cried in Julia and Julia. I know. Disgusting. I know. That made me mad. Okay, well, this is the Julia Child biopic. Yes. What's the big tragedy in Julia Child's life?

When the book got published for her. Okay, no. No. Super happy. So I guess what happens is. When she masters the art of the green bean casserole. It was very emotional for me. No, I guess there's a part where she finds out that her sister is pregnant and she's tried to get pregnant her whole life and she's very happy for her and

like you just see like a single tear down meryl streep's face and being like oh i'm so happy for you but you also like that any dialogue no she's really sad yeah and i was a little bit like fuck you meryl streep because you know you didn't have to do that but she did you didn't have to have a single tear you didn't have to do that you but she did. You didn't have to have a single tear trickle down your cheek. You could have just been a normal, shitty actress. But yes, she's a fantastic actress, so it sort of did a number on her. You had to have all these layers. That's my imagination, Meryl Streep.

Tom, Tom, Tom. Amy hates Meryl Streep. No, I don't. You hate Streep? I don't. Not at all. That's not the popular opinion. I just feel like lately, I've just about – she needs to take a break.

I need a break from her. Something's happened. You don't have to see her movies. How can you hate the queen of summer counter-programming? It's true. She's still a mystery. If it wasn't for Streep, it would be all Michael Bay and explosions and bad boys and Will Smith. I didn't see that.

I didn't see Transformers, which I can't believe I didn't see. I didn't see that. I didn't see Transformers, which I can't believe I didn't see. Oh, you know, I saw the first one and it's definitely one of my most hated movies of all time. I've heard that. Oh, you didn't see the second one either? No, no, no. And that was the biggest movie this year. Sure, yeah, it totally was.

But no, I have nothing but hatred in my heart for the first one. I think it's just a travesty of a thing. I can't get into those kind of movies really i don't know like uh-uh you know i do like disaster films though but are you uh are you excited for 2012 the new roland emmerich i can't stop watching that trailer and i can't stop watching the avatar trailer what about nine that little uh oh i actually had to see uh an advanced screening of Nine.

This is not District Nine, but this is rather the tiny puppets. The Tim Burton produced. Yes. Is it good? Yeah, this is a Tim Burton produced computer animated movie about a group of felt robot people who have to fight other robot people. You know, it's very good uh the the story is a little bit dull it's a very humorless movie uh but you know beautiful to look at terrifying imagery i i i i pity the child that has to to go to this you know somebody will take

their child yeah i i feel like this i'm gonna take my child brian i can't wait uh this is gonna be a lot of kids pinocchio i think to to to what what pinocchio was to me which was the most horrifying terrifying oh i wasn't i was i was afraid of the wicked witch of the west oh okay that was your childhood terror movie the donkey pinocchio i mean that the donkey thing yeah you know people talk about maybe like oh when the whale eats him that's horrible like no when he's turning into a donkey that's really scary yeah i feel like maybe i've never seen that movie pinocchio it's scary for a kid it's terrifying yeah and and and to me that theme of pinocchio was hoisted by his own petard like his

greed and his like you know love of fun got him transformed. It's a really awful lesson. It makes you feel like shit for enjoying candy. Basically it's like, Hey, Hey, you little four year old asshole. Like remember how you like candy and stuff?

He's a puppet. He's a puppet. The marionette. And I guess, yeah. Who was made by Geppetto. Do you not know the story? Yeah.

This is totally new to you. When he was swallowed by a whale, I'm like, oh, I am. He gets swallowed by a whale. I vaguely know that story. Honestly, I don't think I could tell it top to bottom. There's not that much to it. Well, I couldn't tell it top to bottom. I know Jiminy Cricket's in it.

Yeah, he is in it. And then there's a fair. There you go. Isn't there a fair and a fat guy at a fair that plays mom? This is the scene that Brian and I are talking about. They go to a fair. You know why I know it? I only know it because of the ride

at Disneyland. I've never seen it. I only know it because of the pattern of the ride at Disneyland. Coming clean. Gotcha. Whatever.

No, that's fair. I just, I mean, I don't know. Maybe that's the male, like, I don't know. You're saying maybe it's a dude thing to be terrified by Pinocchio.

Pinocchio's kind of a dude. To know the story of Pinocchio. Oh, okay. To be familiar with Pinocchio. Yeah, to know the story of Pinocchio. Oh, okay. To be familiar with Pinocchio. Pinocchio's like – His nose grows. That's like his dick getting a huge boner. Pinocchio's like Transformers.

Ladies don't have to know about it. Okay, fair enough. Yes, so Nine is a very good movie, but I would say a little terrifying to me. very good movie but but i was even a little terrifying to me uh yeah there's a uh there's a a snake monster that has a skeleton doll head inside of it very scary ex-husband oh i also would have accepted sounds like your mother-in-law oh yeah that's both are acceptable both of those jokes sounds like your mother-in-law jordan and sounds like amy's by the way i recently did an ex-husband joke, and someone was like, how many times have you been married? Yeah.

Thinking it was real. Real. Going back to the thing of jokes. Yes. No. Yeah, this is, of course, a theoretical ex-husband, a theoretical kind of mythological mother-in-law. That's weird that there's two movies called Nine coming out this fall. One's a musical with Penelope Cruz, right?

Oh, yeah, sure. There's a Fergie vehicle called Nine or The Nine, maybe. I think Nine. Sure. 2009 is the year of Nine-related movies. Yeah, we've been there,

done that. Remember that awful movie they did a remake of? Oh, God. I don't remember the name of it. The Taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3.

Of course, you're talking to the... It was June 6, 2006. Oh, The Omen. The Omen, that was it. Did you see The Omen remake? No. It was on 666. It was June 6, 2006. Oh, The Omen. The Omen. That was it. Did you see The Omen remake? No.

I did, and I was like, this was a movie just made for a release date. Yeah, for sure. That was the reason they remade it. Why didn't they just re-release the original one? That would have been a better idea. Because you can't put Liev Schreiber in it retroactively. That's true. And this was to capitalize off the Liev Schreiber mania that was going on at the time.

Is The Omen the one with the little kid that's the yeah yeah gregory peck's in the original that and then the does it she's a mean nanny is the first scene like someone killing themselves and being off of off a balcony yeah yeah one of the first scenes yeah uh yes you know yeah i think it is the nanny kills themselves uh yes yeah this uh i i think i i think this the omen was when america just all agreed that like oh this we were trying to like julia styles but now we're kind of like that's over we're sorry that was our bad no this um yeah i feel like she was so epically bad in that she was also really bad in the hamlet remake where she played ophelia. What?

Did that happen? The Kenneth Branagh thing, right? Yeah, with Ethan Hawking. Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorry. The Ethan Hawking. Yeah. Wow.

That seems like a pretty grievous error. And when she's playing Ophelia, anytime she went crazy, all she did was just cross her eyes. That was how she was showing she was crazy. Yeah. Good. Anyways, other fave summer movies. Drag Me to Hell I loved.

Me too. I couldn't see it. I loved it. Me too. Yeah, that might be best of the summer for me for sure. Maybe me too. Now, let me ask you guys a question about that movie because I haven't seen it and I want to see it, but like, is it scary?

Yes. Yeah, yeah. I would say it's terrifying. But it's not like saw or it's not gory. It's not gross. I get really nervous in scary movies. I can't really do, I would say it's terrifying. But it's not like Saw. It's not gory. It's not gross. I get really nervous in scary movies. I can't really do – I don't do well.

Like I start to sweat. But this one definitely has a sense of humor. What's as scary as you'll get? What's your cutoff? I won't see the gore. Okay. What's the gore? I won't see gore. I won't see Saw, Hostel.

Oh, I wouldn't see – no, no, no. I can't do that. Oh, you know, I – Thrillers I love. Anything that's going to pop out, I love it. Scream, like the scream movies you say it can pop out but it it cannot take an appendage when it pops out or like it can even take an appendage but it can't like make a lollipop out of guts like i'm not interested in that okay sure sure you draw the line at gut lollipop that's reasonable not interested

um i don't do very i mean what's the scariest i'll do like i don't know i just don't do very I mean what's the scariest I'll do I don't know I just don't do Steel Magnolias The terror of diabetes I mean I want to see Drag Me to Hell I want to see There's so many things I need to do I need to see Pinocchio You need to go to the beach 8 times

You need a new nickname I need to go to Dubai Sorry we're just reminding you of how incomplete your life has been up till this point honestly i sort of feel like 90 of this podcast has me been being like what is that about like real common things too dubai what is that pinocchio what's that that's my favorite i don't know what's going on i also saw ponyoo last night, which was great. Okay. What was that? Miyazaki. I disagree.

You didn't like it? I did not care for Ponyo. Okay. Too little kiddish. It was real little kiddish. Yeah, you know, and I generally like the Miyazaki movies. Me too. What's the one? What's the super violent one about the environment?

It's very environmental. Princess Mononoke. I think that's a great one. I've seen Princess Mononoke spirited away in this one those are the only ones yeah uh i a lot of problems with ponyo i won i saw crunching tiger hidden dragon uh it's okay well you're racist uh that's so that's um one time somebody was like have you seen the indiana jones movies and i was like no but i've seen the matrix like would you like to talk about that i felt like it was a guy and i felt like i was like well i mean i've seen that that's a dude movie the matrix right yeah yeah yeah like i haven't seen steel

magnolias but i saw like my sister fall in the pool once right i still don't know who bubba fett is bubba fett we don't know that i don't I don't know from the I would explain it to you but I feel like maybe you're a better person for not knowing who Boba Fett is I've seen all of them though so I don't understand how it's possible Can I do what I think Boba Fett is Yes I'll tell you yes or no

First of all I'm going to eliminate what Boba Fett is not Boba Fett is not Jabba the Hutt. No, that is right. He's not Luke Skywalker and he's not Darth Vader. He is a bad guy. He's a bad guy. His dad was a good guy. And then he saw his dad get killed by the stormtroopers.

And then he got mad and he was like, I'm going to be a bad guy. Is any of that true? No, I think that is the Boba Fett backstory. But how does – and he's trying to get Luke? No, you know, Boba Fett is such a – it's one of these things. He's such a minor character in the world of Star Wars. And it's one of those guys – oh, yeah, Boba Fett's my favorite character. Like, no, that wasn't –

No, you're just saying that because you're a Star Wars guy. Well, then that's okay then. But yes, that is Boba Fett's backstory. Yeah, that's pretty good. The other thing I know about Boba Fett is if he takes the red pill, he'll be fine. If he takes the blue pill, he goes into the Matrix. Sounds like your mother-in-law.

Nice. Nice scoring. You guys, no, I didn't see this, but you guys both saw the, from what I gathered from the trailers, the twee, the adorable 500 Days of Summer. I thought you were going to say the Zooey Dashanel vehicle. Oh, yeah.

I do like an excuse to say Zooey Dashanel. Is it Dashanel or Dashanel? Zooey. I say Zooey Dashanel. Zooey's definitely wrong. Yeah, it's Zooey. But I think you should continue with Zooey. You know, I've been saying Zooey Deschanel. Zooey's definitely wrong. Yeah, it's Zooey. But I think you should continue with Zooey. You know, I've been saying Zooey. What's James Franco?

It's James Franco. You should call him Franco. I've always called him Franco. No, that's cute. I think you should keep doing that. Well, I feel like I do it so it makes it look like we're dating. Like you're the only one who knows how to pronounce his name right? Oh, it's Franco.

Didn't you know? You wouldn't know that if you weren't dating him. Yes, I saw 500 Days of Summer. As did I. Okay. Here, I will tell you this. When Brian and I discussed it, he was like, I like it. And then Brian goes, I didn't like this. I didn't like this.

I didn't like this. I hated this part. I did not like this part. I couldn't stand this part. This part made me want to kill myself but i liked it so i don't know you have a laundry list of complaints but still i think i might like the last 30 minutes of the movie a lot okay i think i didn't like anything else just like a horrible review of a movie that's my review i you know when i when i the the for me the trailer i don't I don't feel like I was any in a good place to judge.

You didn't need to see that movie. Yeah. I feel like I, I just felt like I'm very tired of the genre of film, even though I like the two leads a lot and I would like to see them. I think he's fantastic. The Garden State thing, right? Yeah. Just the cutie, cutie poo indie rock.

Yeah. Song placement. Honestly, just as a general rule, when people make movies, don't talk about music. It's obnoxious. They start talking in the elevator. They're like, hey, do you like the Smiths? I'm listening to them right now. Fuck off.

That never comes off well. Like in Garden State when they talk about the Shins all the time. It's like you sound like an asshole. Yeah, and I think a big problem with that is it carries all the baggage of the fans of that music. Yes, I think you're right. Like if you have a prejudice against Smith's fans or Shin's fans or whatever it is they're talking about, you – yeah, because music is so one of those things where you kind of judge a person's personality a little bit based on their tastes. So you have this – anyway, for me, that's what it is. I feel like the characters automatically have this baggage.

Yes. Also, she just like wasn't a person. Anyway, go had really cute clothes okay they dressed her really cute and you know what what i really liked about the movie is like la looked really pretty yeah that was incredible like i've never really seen la look like on par with new york in a movie that was really interesting you did not i've not seen it no i feel the same way about the movie Collateral. If that's a good movie to watch when you're kind of like, oh, LA's fucking ugly. That's the Tom Cruise vehicle? It is the Tom Cruise vehicle.

I think it's a Jamie Foxx vehicle. And a Jamie Foxx. He's supposed to be really good at that, right? Oh, Jamie Foxx. I didn't see that movie. I'm just going to go ahead and say it's a Mark Ruffalo, Jada Pinkett Smith code joint. Have you ever seen Jada Pinkett Smith's rock song? No.

I have a – continue your thought. I have something to add afterwards. Just please do me a favor and watch the performance on Conan. It's the craziest thing you'll ever see. Please. What's to describe it for us? It's so crazy. She's dressed like crazy.

Like an asshole. Like just baggy jeans and combat boots and a tank top and like a lot of like head banging and like you know pretending yeah all this posing and like it's it's so bad it's so bad yeah i uh here's the here's the story that i remember about it uh she was being interviewed i think it was on letterman about and he was like and you have a rock band as i understand it and she's like oh yeah have a rock band as i understand it and she's like oh yeah we did a which is i guess i guess they opened for britney spears or something some some sort of big big pop act they opened for and it's like so we get out there the curtain

comes up people don't know who we are we just start jamming and people are getting into it they're saying yeah we like this they start dancing and they look up on stage and they look at each other and say, that's Jada. It's Jada. No one said that. Yeah. First of all, you're not famous to the point where people just call you by your first name. Also, she does not.

She and Will Smith. I think they've actually literally never had sex based on the fact that all she does in every interview is go like, like, don't be like. I'm in love. I'm in love. So talk about your new show on, you know, TBS, whatever, whatever terrible show. And she'll be like i'm in love i'm in love so talk about your new show on you know tbs whatever whatever terrible show and she'll be like it's good the other day i had sex with will in a car yeah in an elevator just crazy yeah they seem great that's that she seems crazy remember when she was in screen too i hope i have not alienated her if she's a podcast listener yeah we you know no way to tell who listens to this i mean we uh sorry jps god let me see if i can catalog the celebrities that we know listen to this um well oh no we haven't oh no no i was

gonna say you could add us to the list okay yeah no you guys i know i can talk shit about you guys all i want to on this uh you know all i could come up with off the top was Ira Glass's wife. That's pretty cool. I like that. That is pretty good. I feel like his wife must be awesome. Yeah. I mean, not that I have anything nasty to say about the woman.

But yeah, I'm saying if for some reason you had a negative story, mind your P's and Q's. About Ira Glass's wife? Yes. Amy actually has a shitload of stories about her. We used to be in a bridge club together. Oh, boy. Mrs. Glass is a cheater and a liar. Amy.

She cheats at bridge. I am fumbling for the cutoff knob, but I can't seem to find it, and you're continuing the slanderous story. I think that about does it for summer movies. Oh, one more thought on Ponyo. Yes. They spend a lot of time – Don't do any spoiler alerts. I don't feel like –

The movie doesn't make any sense. No, it's totally – yeah. It's the craziest thing in the world. It's like Pokemon, right? Again, racist. Racist, yes. It's exactly like Buddhism. No, I mean it's just pokemon right again racist racist yes it's exactly like buddhism yes no i mean it's just Godzilla it's like little weird cartoon fine it's like the Teletubbies or Pokemon back to Pokemon um they spend a lot of time trying to change a a fish girl into a regular girl.

It's like The Little Mermaid. Yeah. And when they change the fish girl into a regular girl, the regular girl is so obnoxious. I know. Then they have to like, yeah, then the family who brings her to life has to take care of her. And then I'm saying you've brought to life and given yourself responsibility for the world's most obnoxious girl. She was a little annoying.

I did love when she was running on those waves, though. That was great. That was certainly some magical imagery. And Lily Tomlin, Cloris Leachman, Betty White as those old women. Oh, yeah. Okay. Sure, sure. Yeah.

Some good old lady stuff. Tina Fey's the mom. Oh, I guess I'll see it. It's got an all-star voice cast. Yeah. So, there you go. I feel like that's a good end point, I think, right?

I guess. We'll be back in just a minute on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Well, that about wraps it up for another edition of Jordan, Jesse, Go. Thank you so much to my guests, Brian Safi, Amy Rhodes. Of course, you can see Brian's weekly segment, That's Gay, on Current TV's Infomania.

It is podcastable. It is on the internet. And I'll even – I'm going to put one up on the blog. I just for some reason – I had a mush mouth moment there. It's okay. Sorry, guys. So yes, I will put up one on the blog too so everyone can have a sample of that. Of course, make sure to watch Ellen DeGeneres syndicated every weekday at 3.

4. 4. Excuse me. In LA it's at 4. I don't know where it is other places. Yeah. Or maybe it is at 3. Yeah. I don't me. In LA, it's at four. I don't know where it is other places. Yeah. Or maybe it is at three.

Yeah. I don't know. Just DVR it. Yeah. Just DVR Ellen while you're at it. Yeah. I think Jesse should be back. We don't really know when Jesse's going to be back.

He could be back. He could. Are you guys, if it's not for a while, are you guys game to do this for another month? Are you guys willing to commit to another month of this? Every day for a month? Yes. I want to switch to every day. I want this to be daily.

I want this to be kind of the permanent lineup. It's going to be about $25,000 a day. Because he needs hair and makeup. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. And we do a wardrobe. I was a little upset that you guys. Oh, he does need wardrobe.

Yeah. Sure. You do look a little bit bad. Yeah. Sorry. I mean, it's fine for today. But if this is going to be a daily thing,. Sure. You do look a little bit bad. Yeah. Sorry, I mean, it's fine for today, but if this is gonna be a daily thing, I would like you to look a little bit better. He doesn't have his extensions in. No, I don't.

Okay. And he didn't set his hair this morning. No, I didn't. I can tell. Yeah. I mean, it's the elephant in the room, but yes, I can tell that you're... Well, I'll be in rollers tomorrow, then. Fine. But then from then on, I'm gonna want you to all look... Set my hair look uh yeah i would say awards dinner ready okay that's like a black tie fair yes right right that's i feel like i'm always

awards dinner ready you are you're always ready to go to a black tie fair that's all that's all i do yeah i'd just like you to hide your lower back tattoo that's fair okay but uh well if we can all agree to that yes i think we have a great setup. Yes. Jesse will be back at some point. So sit around and bite your nails in anticipation of his return. Of course, you're going to want to visit MaximumFun.org and discuss this show on the forum. The high-five contest is still going from what I understand. We're having a high-five contest.

I love it. And we're challenging people to high-five, post the pictures on Flickr. They are accumulating points, and then we will award prizes at the end of the contest. Cool. Did you have a lot of good high-fives so far? Yeah, there have been some good high-fives. Actually, if I could ask John, the intern, real quick, could you pull up the high-five contest? Maybe we can just have a quick sampling.

I know we have not been discussing the high-five contest as much much as we should and i feel bad because people have been putting putting forth some effort there's been some good celebrity high fives um so let's just john if you wanted to just cycle through some of those and we could just maybe give a brief description to the audience uh two just two ladies two ladies that's nice uh you need kind of lovely summer attire is there are there any celebrity ones or national landmark ones just a quick i know i'm not in any no you have you don't haven't been high-fived for a picture recently um there are extra points for jordan jesse go guests if you can high-five one so so both b and Amy are eligible for high-five bonus points. I'll be the one with the very long legs.

Sure. And the bow low tie. That's it. What? What will I be? Oh, here's one of a guy high-fiving a giant ball of twine. Is this the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota? Is this the...

And what is he wearing? He's wearing a Jordan Jesse Go t-shirt. He is, yes. Cool. Not only is he high-fiving the tourist attraction on which the Weird Al song is based, but he's wearing a Jordan Jesse Go t-shirt. His name is John. Hi, John.

Yeah. John, way to go. Way to high-five. Oh, there's a high-five by the giant Chicago bean. Is that in Chicago? It is in Chicago. You would know. You were just there, right? Wasn't I, though? Chicago bean. Is that in Chicago? It is in Chicago. You would know. You were just there, right?

Wasn't I, though? Oh, I was super in Chicago. And let's just have a look at one more. Let's have a look at one more. Oh, and there's another one by the bean, and it's reflecting, and it looks like there's infinite high fivers. So, yes, please have a look at that on the MaximumFun.org forum. Keep contributing. Thanks for listening.

Bye.