Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 110: Moors & Christians

Episode Date: September 7, 2009

Jesse and Jordan are joined by Nick Adams to talk about all kinds of stuff.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, maggoty, twiddle, dumm, twiddly, palm tree. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Jesse, go, we argue the minutiae of popular culture, just like just

about every other week and every other podcast in the world. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, we've got a guest with us, Jordan. Ah, we do. Oh, Jesus Christ.

I didn't see him. He snuck in there. Ah. Snuck in behind you, Jordan. Look out, Ace. Man. Oh, okay. You might know him from local stand-up comedy shows.

You might know him from having been on jordan jesse go before you might know him from his uh selling book making friends with black people uh comedian nick adams nick repeat adams repeat he remembers his yes yeah i've been thinking that's great that's great um yeah no i'm glad to see you've taken this nickname thing seriously some people fuck around. Have you been using the nickname just in your day-to-day? It's my rap name. No, it's my MC name.

It's Repeat. That's good. I'm glad you're rapping again. I am. You know, for the first time since second grade. One time you did that don't do drugs rap. I'm older than you, so it would have been second grade. It would have been more like junior high.

Junior high school. Okay, sure. That, so it would have been second grade. It would have been more like junior high. Junior high school. Okay, sure. That's when rap was invented. Junior high. Oh, my God. It's a thousand degrees outside here in Los Angeles. Have you guys noticed that? It's cooling down, though.

It's been so hot that it's not as bad today. Teresa said to me yesterday, she was driving around, drove past one of those bank thermometers, you know, where it says what the temperature is. I always thought those were to show how much money was in the bank. I thought it went up or down based on how much money was in the bank. You thought that little circle that's up at the top, that meant money? Yeah. Like 102 money. I just assumed.

88 money. Degrees of the money is in this bank. Yeah. No, no, no, no. Not at all. It means degrees, Jordan. And what we were looking at yesterday, 102 degrees here in the great city of Los Angeles. That's too many degrees.

Yeah. I think it's safe to say that's too many degrees. What's the maximum amount of degrees that you'll allow? 92 degrees. What's the maximum amount of degrees that you'll allow? 92 degrees. Okay. Once you get up over 92 degrees, it's like, give me a break. So this is well into the unacceptable territory. Yeah, this is, and when you break, I think when you get to 98 degrees,

that's when you're like, oh, fuck this. You know what I mean? Like you go from uh-uh to oh come on but then there's i have to say having lived in tucson arizona for two years there's another level it's like the that's the circles of hell 112 113 114 multiple days in a row man i was in break you so you mean it's too hot to even go to Alice Cooper's restaurant? Which is the thing in Arizona that I know about. Is that Tucson?

You know, I think it's Phoenix. I mean, that's worth it. Okay, what's the drive from Tucson to Phoenix? Like an hour or something. That's well worth it to go to Alice Cooper's restaurant. Right, because you might get to meet Alice Cooper. Yeah, or get to meet one of the upset teens that's the hostess who has to wear Alice Cooper makeup while she seats you. I love that Alice Cooper plays golf and is really good at it. So you see Alice Cooper, the whole Alice Cooper thing.

Right. But then he's got flat front khakis and a visor and he's out there in the golf course. Maybe like a lime green polo shirt on. Yeah, exactly. You wrote a book about golf, Alice Cooper did. Yeah, his restaurant is Equal Parts Rock and Roll and Golf Memorabilia. That's pathetic. It's not separate wings, though.

It's interspersed. Because you don't want those to clash. Yeah, there's a picture of him at Shea Stadium and then next to it is one of him with like, you know, Fuzzy Zeller. I don't ever want to hear the song Schools Out for Summer again, but this is the reason. Normally, if you didn't want to hear a song again, it's like, oh, that song's cliched or whatever. The problem is it gets me super pumped, and then I remember that I don't go to school anymore, so I don't get to go out for summer. So you have no reason to celebrate it yeah the only time i really like i love la is after a laker game at staples other than that it's like well i really like living here i don't want

to sing about it but you know after you know it's a communal moment los angeles is celebrating los angeles it's a really it's a really magical moment whenever they play it because it's a celebration of Angelino's blind embrace of ironic mockery of the place where they live. No, it's actually more a celebration. In that moment, why I love it, it's a celebration of Jerry Buss and the $2 million he just cleared at your expense because you paid to come to a Laker home game. That's the guy who owns the Lakers. Okay. That's a Los Angeles Lakers basketball club. Gotcha.

This is a group of gentlemen, some taller than others, but on the whole relatively tall, who travel from town to town putting on exhibitions of a sport called basketball. So it's like a water park then. It's like some kind of water park. Similar. It's similar. Am I close?

It's similar. Jordan. I'm close. Jordan. Yes. Can you look at my eyes for a minute? Yeah. Not everything is like a water park.

Every time I try and explain everything to Jordan, Nick, he just says, so it's like a water park, right? This guy is obsessed with water parks ever since he is. Although, in my defense, sex is not entirely unlike a water park, as you told me last week. I had it. There's some similarities,

I would say. One, chlorine in your eyes. If you do it right. Two, churro stand. And three, butts. I ate a lot of churros in the great nation of Mexico when I was in Mexico. Is that an actual Mexican food? It's not like just some nachos. It seems wrong.

It seems like it would not be an actual Mexican food, right? It seems like something that you would just, yeah, it seems like nachos, but not just like nachos. It seems like baseball game nachos, like the kind with the gooey cheese. Like one step, like nachos, sure, that's a Tex-Mex thing, not a Mexican thing. With actual melted cheese and a preparation involved, but it's the glob of yeah this the sauce nachos is what is the level that you're that you would think you would be looking at with churros sure but actually there you are in not just in mexico not in not in puerto vallarta but in oaxaca the culinary capital of mexico in southern mexico there's churros everywhere everybody loves churros now

is there a difference between the you know american amusement park churros everywhere. Everybody loves churros. Now is there a difference between the American amusement park churro and the Mexican churro? I'm thinking off the top of my head there's probably crickets involved in the Mexican one. There's a couple of crickets in there. Jordan, you'll be disappointed to hear that they're nothing like a water park.

Okay. A Mexican churro is shorter and it comes in a pack of three. Huh, a pack? A lady sells you a group of three churros and shorter, and it comes in a pack of three. Huh. A pack? A lady sells you a group of three churros, and if you only want three, well, it's called a murder of churros. A pod of churros? Yeah.

A lady sells you a little bag full of churros, and it has three churros in it. I don't think those are churros. You're buying stuff in bags off the street. I don't think you were buying... Come to think of it, churros didn't used to don't think those are churros. You're buying stuff in bags off the street. I don't think... Come to think of it, churros didn't used to look so much like baking soda or make me so excitable. Was that person listening to clips

when they sold you those churros? It was their real churros. Was there a snowman on his t-shirt? Their real churros. Nick, Jordan, that's what they eat in Mexico. Molays and churros. A mole is a chocolate sauce, Jordan That's what they eat in Mexico Moles and churros A mole is a chocolate sauce, Jordan

That's a chocolate sauce They make chocolate They have places where the block smells like chocolate I thought mole was something else Mole is a sauce Well, mole means sauce The literal translation of mole is sauce As in guacamole

Which means uh avocado sauce yeah aguacate um so the mole means sauce but when you say mole uh you're usually referring to what they call uh mole negro black mole which is uh which is almost racist almost just just for no reason when people say stuff like that i'm like wait a minute no okay that's fine it's totally fine there's a lot of that shit going on though in the spanish language there's a lot of there's a lot of weird anti-african racial prejudices just kind of mixed in especially foods there's uh if you if you order in in cuba if you get beans and rice it's called uh moros which is short for morosi

cristianos which is moors and christians that's so convoluted i'm not even upset anymore yeah by the time you got to the end of that explanation i was like i don't even care i'm too confused to be bad but uh uh black mole it's amazing sauce it's made they make a chocolate in oaxaca that's made from the cocoa beans, but also it's kind of spiced. It's got some cinnamon and some chili in it. And they use that, so it's sort of like a chocolate sauce, but it's not that sweet.

It is a little bit sweet for a sauce on a meat, but it's not as sweet as a chocolate bar. Oh, yeah. Here's how much I like chocolate. You're going to think that I'm going to say I like chocolate so much. I love mole and I make it all the time. Right. I'm going to take it further than that.

Right. I like chocolate so much. I could never have the patience. Hold on. How far are you going to take this, Nick? One step further. Okay. I like chocolate so much that I could never have the patience to do the preparation necessary to take chocolate and make it into a sauce.

And then put that on an enchilada or whatever the hell it is. Teresa and I brought home... I would just eat it in the kitchen like a crack patient. Teresa and I brought home some chocolate from Oaxaca. Brought home some for you, Jordan. And you can have some too since you're so obsessed with chocolate, Nick. And Teresa's been having that problem.

The chocolate, you know, you make it for, they drink it. You know, it's drinking chocolate. And they make it either cold or hot and you basically just take a brick of this chocolate

and put it in a blender with milk or water. They also use water there. And Teresa has not gotten it into the blender. It has not made it to the blender. I think once she breaks it off of the thing, it's going in the mouth. No, it's like people who say, I'm going to

take this pot and make pot brownies with it. Well, I think I did that one time. Because I can also just smoke it and get really high. It seems like a lot of work. You know, when I interviewed this guy who was the personal assistant to improv comedy guru Del Close one time on The Sound of Young America, like when Del Close was sort of in his 60s, and I think he maybe died around 70,

he was in his 60s, kind of crotchety, crazy improv genius, right? And this guy's job was to show up at his house and make sure he came to class and stuff like that. Del Close did you one better, Nick, and ate marijuana straight. Like it was a cereal, he ate it with a spoon.

On a regular basis? On a regular basis. He regularly just ate marijuana with a spoon. Here's the thing. I am what you would call a marijuana smoker i think is the term yeah is that what you call that that's what they call them sure um and more than one is a water part of marijuana smokers that's the new grouping of them uh why how high was he needing to be that he was eating it? Exactly how high did he have to be?

He was high all the time. That's what's so amazing about it. High all the time and super. Like you have to get to a point where you're like, oh, God, I'm not going to make this into a joint. I'm just going to eat it. Like I got a spoon. It's easier. It's impressive that he even managed to...

Maybe he didn't have a clean spoon. I was going to say it's impressive he managed to keep a spoon clean. Yeah, maybe he could just tie the bag to his face. Like a horse. Like a horse in its own bag. That's what he did. He ate marijuana like a horse from a feed bag. I don't understand why eating it, though.

I'm going to have to do some investigation. Can I ask you guys a question real quick, just on the subject of livestock? Sure. I'd like to have a pig. Can I have a pig? Well, there's a lot to consider. Okay, let's talk about it. Does your apartment allow pigs? I think at this

point, this is the impression I get. Every time you answer a question, the answer's no. Conversation over. Based on the... Conversation over. Based on what you might call the apparent tenant quality of the people who have moved into my apartment building in the past six months, and based on the fact that I know that Teresa and I have consistently paid the rent over the three and a half or so years that we've lived here, I would say that the landlord, if i told the landlord i wanted to make my own skylight with a hammer uh he would be on board judging by who he's accepting at this point

the kind of shady dissociated spitting yeah just weird there's this guy that moved in on i i know the downfall of jesse's apartment building has sort of become a leitmotif on Jordan Jesse Go, but there's this guy that's moved in downstairs, and he'll talk to you like he knows you, won't introduce himself to you, won't make eye contact with you. Just this kind of super shady, kind of like 24-year-old guy. I think the word you're looking for is crazy. He sounds like a crazy person well he's doesn't seem crazy so much as super high but super high on just some shitty found like not did

he eat it not like yeah he just he's like he's the kind of super high where it's not just like he wasn't just – no, not like Doug Benson or not just stony, not like that, but also not aggressive, but more just like he found some shit and took it to see what would happen. Ballpark it. Also, the shit is Windex. Well, I mean, he's reasonably placid but mildly agitated like at the same time paul abdul ish yeah sort of a paul abdul ish that's a very that's very good maybe he'll get his own

reality show but but a slightly more but a slightly you have to imagine somebody who's paul abdul ish but also like uh 24 uh and and kind of like dressed like a hip hop guy. You know what I mean? Like somebody that that looks like that were if they said if if you knew that they were if they were like a pot dealer, you'd be like, oh, yeah, that guy's just a pot dealer. But then there's something else going on that makes you nervous. That wouldn't bother you, though. You would just be like, OK. Well, it would bother me.

I mean, I'd rather not have somebody dealing out of my apartment building, but I mean, it doesn't bother me to the extent that it really bothers me. Jesse Thorne, enemy of convenience. Who doesn't want to have you in their apartment building? You know, when I came in this

morning, there were some teens in prom clothes making a movie in the lobby yeah like a fun movie that seemed fun to me you don't like it the teens uh i'll tell you i should these are some very excitable we'll be right back with grandpa thorn after these messages the teenagers i don't like them either there's a there's a lot of these teens i've had this problem a lot lately in my building i've had this problem which is lately in my building I've had this problem which is where I'm waiting for the elevator

I'm walking through the lobby with my dog minding your own business listening to some smooth jazz I'm just trying to listen to Wayman Tisdale he plays a the Power Forward LP I've got Bernie Williams guitar CD

on my Discman, and I'm trying to listen to it. No, what happened? I'm walking through my lobby or something like that. I'll say hello to someone and smile at them, and they'll look the other way. This is the people who, now, granted, when we moved in here, building was had a lot of middle

aged korean people these people would sometimes not return your greetings i chalked it up to don't speak english right right which is fine you know some people are just weird or just whatever like people get a pass in general yeah yeah exactly and so you're just like well you know what can you do they're're Korean, you know. They don't really speak English, so that's fine. You know, I don't speak Korean. I wouldn't want them complaining about me not returning their greeting in Korean. You know what I mean?

So that's okay. Or their karate chops. Jordan. If you get karate chopped in their culture culture it's customary to karate chop bag everyone knows that jesse yeah especially racist that is textbook korean uh stuff but these are people who are um you know 22 years old 23 years old um they're students. They speak English. I hear them speak English to others. Is it so much to ask for a returned

greeting? So you're bemoaning the loss of civility in your apartment building. Also, that dog went to the bathroom in my hallway again. Oh boy. That's not good. Hold on. Think back to when you're greeting these young people. Okay. Is your dick out? Hard to say.

No, no, really think, because it's important. I mean, I know it doesn't seem like it, but it can make all the difference. Was your dick out? Let's see. My fly was down. Okay. Already, I mean, if they notice that, they could be a little put off. I don't wear underwear.

Okay. My dick's real springy. Yeah. Yeah, it was out. Oh, no no there you go that was it speaking of currently out sorry guys bonus for the webcam viewers yeah that's why you tune into the webcam to see uh to see all the fun dick slips okay well look we'll talk more about my life going to hell and me wanting to shoot myself in just a minute, and probably some, like, fun anecdote maybe that Nick thought of

since we invited him on the show yesterday. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. We'll be back. Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Nick, repeat Adams. Is this Nick's third appearance? This is his third appearance. This is a hat trick for Nick Adams because he's beloved, Jordan. Yeah, I'm the Alec Baldwin of Jordan, Jesse Go. You go on the... You're Alec

Baldwin to us as Alec Baldwin is to Saturday Night Live. We also would have accepted Paul Simon. I don't mean to disappoint if this is disappointing to you, but I think you're more of a Paul Simon. He's married to Edie Burkell, who's one of my favorite

white women of all time, so I'm cool with that. One of the top whites? She is. She's one of my top white gals. She's not in the top five, but she's definitely top ten. When you said one of the top white ladies of all time, this is what I imagine. You probably have an office or a workspace at home.

I do. Do you know what a draft board looks like? There's maybe index cards or possibly placards uh with names on them and then you know listing of rounds maybe and they're moving them up and down i imagine that you had the women of the world separated by ethnicity and and and if something good happened you're like oh she just moved up a slot and now she's my number three Asian Pacific Islander. Here's what's great. That exists almost exactly as you described it, but it's not physical.

It's all in my mind. There is kind of a running tally of Eurasian or some sort of mongrel actress. Nora Jones is typically number one in my mulatto category. Rashida Jones is typically number two. What about a Rosario Dawson? Where's Rosario Dawson in this? She's perpetually top three, top four in my sort of mixed ethnicity. I want to ask you guys a question about...

Any quadroons? What is your feeling about quadroons i'm for them sir um i okay this is a question about rashida jones for you guys okay something that has been uh weighing heavily on my heart of late and i have not been able to resolve oh four out of five boners moving on okay so i think we can also we can all agree rashida jones is a beautiful woman agreed um and it's amazing that she's uh the quincy jones is her dad that's like a really interesting celebrity parent to have right so so far she's doing great now she's been in a lot of great stuff uh she was she was on the office it's a great show yes um that's been in a lot of great stuff. She was on The Office.

It's a great show. That's how she became famous. You might have seen her in Stella. She has some deleted scenes from role models that you can see on the DVD. There you go. You can see her in the movie I Love You Man, which I would hesitate to call great, but was enjoyable.

But here's my question. four out of five boners thank you um there's a part of me that was thinking well they don't they don't give her anything funny to do i wish they'd give rashida jones more funny things to do. She kind of occupies a similar comedic niche as Jennifer Aniston. There are funny things around her, but she's the pretty... She has to kind of sigh loudly. Because have you guys... Did you guys watch Parks and Recreation, the television program? I watched a couple and then got mad at it.

Okay, so there are some things that I think are funny about Parks and Recreation. Aziz Ansari will say something funny on that program, and he'll do it in a funny way, albeit one that may or may not break the tone of the show. The boss guy kind of could sometimes be funny, and I don't find the program dull. But Rashida Jones is one of the central characters of this program, one of the two central characters of this program,

could not be less funny. And now I think maybe she's actually not funny at all, and she's just got a bunch of funny people bamboozled and or four out of five bonered i think she was funnier on the office than she has been on parks and recreation i think i don't remember her doing anything funny on the office i don't i don't it wasn't like there was a huge joke written for her but there were definitely moments on the office where i thought she kind of got a laugh out of me that yeah i think her her storyline was she was kind of the Pam surrogate when Jim went to the other office

and she kind of replaced Pam. And then they had this Jim-Pam-esque banter between Jim and Rashida Jones. And I remember thinking like, oh, this is funny because she's imitating the tone of the Jim-Pam banter so well. What is the tone she's imitating the tone of the jim pam banter so what is the tone she's going for in parks and recreation on this program as far as i can tell uh sad and dull is the tone she's going yeah i mean i think she is like she's the kind of straight woman because you know the her boyfriend or whatever falls in the pit and that kind of launches the whole theme of the show so she just you know is in the center of all this activity that's revolving around her all this

craziness and she's just the nurse who wants the pit to be it's it's i think there's something to be said for uh and what it highlights to me is that being a straight man is more than just not being funny. Like there's, or not acting crazy. Right, sure. And that's where she seems to be falling down. I think as somebody who's a great straight man, sets other people up and punctuates their jokes with a reaction. Right?

Yeah, no, I think it's definitely, sure. She definitely got maybe smushed into, yeah, I think, right, right, they needed an everyday citizen to react to all the kind of incompetent bureaucracy going on. But yeah, yeah, maybe she's not equipped with the right looks and stuff like that. Let me ask you this question.

It's about straight men. Okay. I've been watching Seinfeld a lot lately. Is it possible that Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld is underrated? Here's the thing that's great about Jerry Seinfeld is Jerry Seinfeld as an actor, it was not a good performance.'s not a gifted actor no i don't think anyone would argue jerry seinfeld

is a gifted actor like say anyone who acts right but since he is playing jerry seinfeld i think it works in the same way that keanu reeves works in speed and matrix because he's playing Jerry Seinfeld. I think it works in the same way that Keanu Reeves works in Speed and Matrix. Because he's playing a kind of clueless, you know, big-headed action hero. And that's what he is, I think. That's what he comes across as. So Jerry, to play

Jerry, reacting to the people who are really in his life, basically, or, you know, characters who are supposed to represent people who are, you know, real people in his life, basically, or characters who are supposed to represent people, real people in his life. It didn't bother me at all. He seems like... I've been watching a lot of Seinfeld.

Let's say I bought the DVDs of Seinfeld or whatever it is that people are supposed to do when they behave in a legal manner. So presumably I bought all the DVDs or whatever for my DVD machine. Your dick's out. Sorry, Jordan. It comes out when you construct something.

I'm just going to remind you. So how can I control this problem that I have? I mean, it's not my fault as far as I'm concerned. I've just got a springy dick. Yeah. Well, I mean, I'd say reinforce your pants. Right. Should I zip up my fly?

Yeah. I mean, I guess I was just assuming it was coming down on its own. I know when a pair of pants gets old sometimes. No, I leave it down for circulation. Same reason I don't wear any underwear. Don't do that. Well, I don't want to get sweaty, and I'm all out of Gold Bond medicated powder. Well, then just get ready for jail.

Okay, fine. I guess. Just get ready for jail. So I bought the DVDs of all the Seinfelds. I'm in the midst of season three of Seinfeld. I don't think I'd watch Seinfeld since I was high school or so, since it was on TV for the most part. I mean, I watch it sometimes on reruns,

but I don't watch a lot of TV at 5 o'clock in the afternoon. And for quite some time I've been— You're already too excited after your 4.30 Judge Judy. Yeah, absolutely. You're just so excited. You're running around the house. You can't concentrate. I get so pumped up by Judge Jerry Mather.

Mm-hmm. Is that a judge show? Jerry Mathers? Yeah. I think basically – That would be a great judge show. I think you can basically say judge and then any name. Judge Don Knotts. Sure. Don Knotts is say judge and then any name. Judge Don Knotts.

Sure. Don Knotts is dead, isn't he? Didn't Don Knotts die recently? I think he died recently, yeah. Still could be a show. Still? Sure. Judge Don Knotts impersonator.

Can we have a judge show on TV? Yeah, I think so. Judge Jesse and Jordan. Yeah, I feel like I've seen judge shows where the person isn't a normal judge, and just the thing is for like bragging rights like there's no legal ramifications to the trial because judge wapner was a real judge right yes judge wapner was a professional judge who retired from judging in order to take a job as a television judge but i don't think judy is judy a judge no no i think most of the tv judges

are judges and but i think there are a few exceptions what about judge joe brown i think judge joe brown is a judge he's an actual judge judge reinhold judge reinhold is the real judge um but but jordan you understand that on those judge shows while the person may have in the past been a real judge they're not acting in their capacity as a judge a judge is someone don't they say it's not like a notary public don't they say at the end of the show that the uh the the rulings are binding yes but they're not they're it's not a court of law yeah they've everyone has entered into an agreement it's like an arbitration yeah

exactly that they've all agreed that this person will render judgment. It doesn't matter if that person's a real judge or not. It's not like a notary public that, you know, that if you call a number, we'll come and notarize a document for you. You can't get a judge to come out like that. So if you spit on Judge Judy, they can't throw you in jail or something? Like, I mean, that bailiff is essentially powerless. Yeah, that's a powerless bailiff. So someone could have just stabbed Rusty the bailiff all those years and just done away with that shit? Oh, absolutely.

I don't understand why people haven't stabbed Rusty the bailiff. It's the same phenomenon when... I've thought about stabbing Rusty so many times. Who hasn't? I guess just what I thought was going on, that the American government thought that the public should have a peek at the legal system. Right. So made judge shows legal. Right.

So, you know, just Americans can see what goes on in the court system and how you resolve a conflict when a stripper that is sent to your house is uglier than you thought she would be. Whether that entitles you to a refund. I got an elementary school teacher who showed the people's court in class. Under what pretext? Under the pretext that we were learning about the judicial system. Works for me.

An elementary school teacher, not like a first or second grade teacher because they'll feel guilty about just showing you a movie, but like a fourth or fifth grade teacher. That's in this sort of liminal space between a little child and person who's

actually supposed to learn real things, right? It's right on the border between those two. And so I think a fifth grade teacher will take any opportunity to do anything that's not actual learning. Having, having done some substitute teaching, I will also say that that age, you just want them to shut up.

If two hours in the dark will keep them quiet, then two hours in the dark with whatever movie you're playing, you just want them to shut up. And I love children. But after like a few days of teaching, just shut up. Everybody shut up. You brought in the patriot today. I had to learn about the American Revolution. You brought in, you brought in the, I brought in the Patriot today. Had to learn about American Revolution. Today's film, Bad Lieutenant. It is world history class, right?

Well, all the better because I brought in Apocalypto. Oh, we're having a great time. Bad boys. Number one, we're having a great time. Yeah. Number two, Nick Adams is here. Sure. Number three, of course, you're Jordan Morris, the world famous jordan morris aren't i though number four sensation

right here star of major motion picture right here uh jesse thorne uh international public radio phenomenon right uh we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go jordan jesse go i'm jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I am Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us, for the benefit of the people at home, Jordy LaForge from Star Trek. Hey, guys, they got different. Oh, his headphones were across his eyeballs.

So funny. Oh, the strap of his headphones was across his eyeballs. I don't know why he went back. Did you guys know that LeVar Burton is a Twitter celebrity now? No. Because of the Reading Rainbow? Reading Rainbow got canceled. I don't know if these are related.

But LeVar Burton... Well, it's certainly up to his, you know, guy being in the news-ness. It's amazing. What do you call that visibility it's amazing that if you were on star trek you can become a nerd celebrity yeah sure well what's amazing about that that seems like that that seems that's the logical step well i mean but i mean look at like let's take lavar burton for example that's what i'm talking about i'm thinking specifically for example about lavar burton star trek the next generation i'm not going to tell you that i LeVar Burton, for example. That's what I'm talking about. I'm thinking specifically, for example, about LeVar Burton.

Star Trek The Next Generation. I'm not going to tell you that I didn't watch Star Trek The Next Generation as a 10-year-old on Channel 44, Cable 12. But that was what, 1990? Right. When was that on? 1991? That's Star Trek, man. It's just a special little club. But you could take this back to Leonard Nimoy.

What else has Leonard Nimoy ever done of note? But look, okay. And the original Star Trek was on for like a season and a half. That's not what I'm talking about. There were only three episodes of the original Star Trek. Leonard Nimoy was one of the stars of the original Star Trek, and he's been being one of the stars of Star Trek ever since. There's no doubt about that.

And God bless him. He seems like a class act. You know what I mean? LeVar Burton was on Star Trek The Next Generation, yes. But he's LeVar Burton from Roots. Yes. And Reading Rainbow. Yes.

And Star Trek The Next Generation was 15 years ago, right? At least 15 years ago. So you're saying there should be some sort of Roots con that he's the star of. No. You want to go to a Roots Con where people dress up. People have fake amputated foots and chains. What's amazing to me...

And halfway through the convention you change your name. What's amazing to me is that 15 years after Star Trek, LeVar Burton has not been recording, writing sci-fi novels. As far as I know. I mean, I'm not a huge Star Trek fan. Maybe he does do all this stuff and I'm mistaken. You don't think there's Geordi LaForge fiction, like romance novels? Well, there is that, but it's not written by LeVar Burton.

That's what I'm saying. I'm sure that there are romance novels about Geordi LaForge that have to do with feeling not just someone's body, but also their soul um because he's blind right and also seeing inside them in more ways than one um right couldn't he see laser beams or something uh by the way i just want to point out that on the new jay-z album uh there's a song where kanye west makes a laser noise and some people think it's ridiculous and embarrassing i think it's fantastic and every song should have kanye west making a laser noise and some people think it's ridiculous and embarrassing. I think it's fantastic and every song should have Kanye West making a laser

noise. How does it go? I mean, I haven't. Pew, pew, pew. Oh, that does sound good. Yeah, it's great. I have a resolution. I don't discuss non-Amber Rose Kanye news.

If it's not about her, I just don't even talk about that guy anymore. Who's that? His ridiculous girlfriend. Oh, I don't know about her. Is this the bald one? Is guy uh who's that his ridiculous girlfriend oh well is this the bald one is this the one with no she's got a buzz cut yeah okay yeah she's creeping up on my top five white girls list she's creeping in she's around about seven right now she's around about seven she's pushing it okay wait so this is what i'm saying about geordie laforge here he hasn't done anything in 15 years all he has to do to become a huge nerd celebrity is start using Twitter a few months before other people. He doesn't have to say,

look at me, I'm a nerd like you or whatever. All he has to do is just do something a little tiny bit nerdy in public and he becomes a god how about teaching generations after generations of children to read is that a little is that does that qualify yeah no i think people i think people have a lot of warm feelings of him beyond star trek for sure i agree i don't say that people shouldn't have warm feeling towards him but he became a very specific kind of nerd celebrity and it wasn't because of reading rainbow well here's the thing that's the that's the kind of nerd celebrity, and it wasn't because of reading Rainbow. Well, here's the thing. Agreed.

That's the kind of nerd celebrity that doesn't get you anything. Like, it's a lot of Twitter followers, and, like, maybe... God, I can't even really think of what else it would get you. I feel like that's reasonable. Like, the man probably still goes to commercial auditions and gets pissed when he doesn't get it.

I don't think so. He still gets turned down for movie roles. What do you think LeVar Burton does with himself? Because LeVar Burton's not a bad actor. bet he auditions a handsome man sometimes he gets it and sometimes he doesn't and i mean lavar burton you know it's one of those things where you look at imdb like well holy shit lavar burton was in eight movies in 1978 or whatever yeah right it's mother jugs and speed too but you you don't remember it but it was a movie and he got a big fat paycheck. And LeVar Burton right now is probably sitting in some house in the hills. He's just skimming the cream off of his life.

I would assume so, unless things are going horribly, horribly wrong with his financial planning. Just hanging out and drinking buttermilk? Why not? That's what somebody does to me if they're really rich. They just have a cool glass of buttermilk. Maybe with a little cognac in it. Just hanging out. Do you think he ever puts on the visor?

Do you think he's ever had sex with the visor on? Absolutely. Yes. Absolutely. Yeah, every member of the Star Trek cast has had some sort of Star Trek costumed sex. Absolutely. Yes. No question.

If I was a woman or a gay man, I don't know how LeVar rolls And I was hooking up with LeVar Burton Maybe not the first time Maybe not the second time It's like a fourth date thing If it seems like we're going to have some sort of relationship here Can I just get the visor One time Is that what the lady says to him

Or he says to the lady You think it's his choice May I put the visor on it It makes me feel powerful If you're having sex with LeV his choice. May I put the visor on? It makes me feel powerful. If you're having sex with LeVar Burton, you want to see the visor. Why not? Do you think, let me ask you this. Do you think LeVar Burton's ever, do you think that the guy who played Worf has ever had

a makeup guy come over to his house to put him through the arduous six-hour process of donning his Vulcan ridges, or whatever they're called, so that he can have sex with someone. Here's the pitch. The last time we pitched, I think it was Queen Latifah and Cameron Manheim, or Monique and Cameron Manheim, I don't remember. Sure. This is the show. It would be better than Hung on HBO.

This actor- Okay. It's some actors in a show. I love it! No more puppets. I like what you did there. The show would be this actor that you're talking about, I can't remember his name,

and I used, up until about 96, I could name every black actor, I could give you every black character's real name. Carl Lumbly is the black guy from Cagney and Lacey. I used to be able to do that. So this guy has... Are you getting more racist is what you're saying?

You're forgetting people's names? Yes, I am. No, there's more black people on television, so I can't keep them all straight. Gotcha. This guy, he falls upon hard times, and he can't make ends meet, and he realizes that there are a lot of female Trekkies who will pay to have sex with Worf. Bam! Annie, get...

He takes it on the road. AMC on the phone. Is this a celeb reality show or a fiction show? No, this is a scripted, high-concept dramedy for FX. Why don't we sell this to VH1 as a celeb reality show? Well, that's the fallback. Let's just take some media. Yeah, let's show time.

And then somebody murders someone. Okay. You you know i think it should be scripted i think there should be uh a lot of like long shots from down the hall of him sitting on the edge of the bed in the wharf makeup and sighing and then and then december is song there's some sort of klingon a klingon dick has to have some sort of deform because he so then he has to have some oh like dick ridges yes let's take it to an extra a ridged dick let's let's talk for a minute about klingon warcock what we need to make this happen number one we need to get the guy who played wharf on star trek on board i think that that's no that's no problem number two we're gonna need nick harcourt to tell us uh what twee indie rock songs to play while he sighs okay if we can't get him morning becomes eclectic let's just go decemberists okay well i was thinking we'd just go jason bentley okay

if you can't get hardcore you gotta go with bentley yeah jason bentley will help us out i morning becomes eclectic is an institution here in los angeles and also not eclectic the more yeah not eclectic at all do you like uh white indie rock music? Well, you might like even more tweed. Occasionally they have like a Brazilian dance pop song. I stand corrected. So Morning Becomes Eclectic is an institution here in Los Angeles. KCRW is a wonderful radio station. And while the music they play on Morning Becomes Eclectic is not to my taste,

perhaps it's more to your taste, Nick. You've been known to listen to some pussy indie rock from time to time. Not necessarily to my taste, but fine. Like if you're a guy that is shopping at Banana Republic, you need something to listen to. You know what I mean? Nothing wrong with a little feist to start off your day, Jesse. Exactly.

There's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with it. For your morning views. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. Currently number four, your day, Jesse. Exactly. There's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with it. Fair morning to you. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. Currently number four, I think, on my list. There you go. She's a lovely woman. She is.

I really like her. She's very graceful. Do you guys know that for work tonight I have to see Katy Perry? I don't know anything about her other than every now and then she shows her crotch. I don't know anything about her other than every now and then she shows her crotch. No, I'm going to a Warped Tour retrospective concert tonight, and Katy Perry in her beginning days was a Warped Tour act. Really?

Yeah. You know, I saw Katy Perry get interviewed somewhere, and she seemed really pleasant and kind of funny. Yeah, I suspect that about her. I was like, hey, this lady seems to know that this whole thing's a little bit ridiculous. She's got a great attitude. She's in her 20s, she's cute, she's rich and famous. Why wouldn't she be pleasant?

Well, you know, who knows? Maybe there's a dark side to fame. You escaped your... What? A dark side to fame? No, shut up. Next thing you tell me, there's a dark side to the American mom and apple pie suburbs. Something hiding behind the white picket fences, Jordan, as it turns out. Nope.

It's all just as perfect as its facade. Okay, so Morning Becomes Eclectic is an institution here in Los Angeles, and I have immense respect for KCRW, the station, one of the best public radio stations in the country. I just want to get that out there before I start insulting you. Now, do the DJs on this station seem very dumb to you? Not every single one, but certainly Morning Becomes Eclectic host Jason Bentley. but certainly Morning Becomes Eclectic host Jason Bentley.

I'll tell you, there's a show, there was a show on KCRW that played music that I would choose to listen to almost all the time, a show called Chocolate City with host Garth Trinidad. Right. And I would, when I had a music show in college, I would always check out the playlist from Chocolate City to see what he was playing and I'd always give it a listen so I would know what was a great track to put in the mix. You see what I'm saying, okay?

He's dropping all these video... But the more I listened to Garth Trinidad, the more I found myself thinking, wait a minute, is this guy as dumb as a rock? And I feel the same way about Jason Bentley. Since Jason Bentley used to play, and he used to be on in the evenings, and he would play electronic music that I literally could not bear to listen to. So I didn't listen to him very much. He moved to the mornings. Morning becomes eclectic. Now he plays Banana Republic music that if it comes on after morning edition, maybe it's still playing in the kitchen because I haven't bothered to turn it off,

and it's fine. It doesn't make me crazy. But he will talk to someone, and he has this beautiful voice, and I'm pretty sure he's as dumb as a block of wood. Not 100% sure, because it could be some kind of on-air character he's doing. This is where the podcasting radio beef starts

yeah right shots fired at jason bentley young thorny and jay bent you know here's here's my diagnosis and i think this this this carries over to uh a lot of public radio personalities right i think it's more that they're humorless okay and that they i think it's more just not having a sense of humor and i think it's you know i being successful in this really really niche area but being very successful in it uh you know you don't you don't see what is funny about what you're doing you There's just no sense of humor, period. Can I ask? Sometimes I wonder that about Michelle Norris on All Things Considered.

I think it might be the same reason. Sure. How old is... It's hard for me to... I can't make a judgment unless I know how old someone is or what their deal is. Because then it's like, well, if that's my grandmother, then I'm not angry that she's not funny. But Jason Bentley's supposed to be cool, right? I think so.

So he's got to be 35, right? And that's what I think is more shocking about his humorlessness and why I think it points to dumbness. I don't think it's dumbness, but I think it's because he is supposed to be the cool one. And I really want to emphasize that I don't know. I'm not asserting that he's dumb as a rock i just am asserting that sometimes i wonder wait is he as dumb as a rock this is glenn beck territory i'm not saying obama is hitler i'm just suggesting

show me proof that obama isn't hitler um i mean it's obvious that it's not glenn beck territory because it's obvious that that uh jason bentley's hitler right right that's as clear as day yeah you'd have to be some sort of socialist and not see that and understand i mean he's playing the new track by the fruit bats so next step communism i okay can i ask you guys your opinion of this um my wife has a friend that i think the world of a super nice lady um nice lady and like an old college buddy. And she was over here the other night and she told us she's a union organizer, works 60 hours a week making the world a better place. Like seriously, incredibly hardworking, came from an immigrant family, first generation American, went to Sarah Lawrence

with my wife. Way cool lady, like kick ass lady, right? Four out of five boners. She told us last night that that she was looking to laugh more in her life because her life was so serious because she was always um you know she's doing these or union organization things and like yeah we're like yeah it's like hard and serious all the time you know like an employer is like targeting you for harassment always and you know whatever and she says like lately I've been watching a lot of George Lopez.

And I'm like, okay. So you're not looking to laugh more? I say to myself, okay, George Lopez isn't for me, right? George Lopez isn't my thing. But George Lopez, and George Lopez is very, you might say, middle of the road. But he's not. Very mainstream. Yeah.

That's fair assessment. He's not horrible. No. It's not like she said she likes Carlos Mencia. He's not aggressively bad by any means. He's genial. And, you know, maybe his reputation has exceeded his talent to some extent. But he's fine.

It's okay. So is mine, and I'm not even famous. And frankly... You feel like you're getting too much credit? Yeah, I am. I shouldn't be here. I don't deserve this. Yeah, that's true.

This is a hot seat. And frankly, like, not a lot of famous Mexican-American comedians. If I was Mexican-American, I'd probably like the most famous Mexican-American comedian just because it's like, hey, there's a Mexican-American guy like me. He's talking about Mexican-American stuff.

I'm on board for that. So I'm like, okay. There's a pass. That's fine. She can like it. We'll share. We'll give her an Al Madrigal CD and see if we can bring her 50% further towards us. You're not going to throw her out of your home.

No, not at all. That's what you're saying. You're such a... I'm a magnanimous guy. Sure. You're trying to shift her from full Mexican to half Mexican, and then maybe she'll just start liking white comedians. Exactly.

It's a race thing. and then maybe she'll just start liking white comedians. Exactly. It's a race thing. I mean, I would say right now she's about 80% Moorish, 20% Christian, and I'd like to move her down the line, push her down the line. So, you know, that's fine. It's great.

You know, she likes George Lopez. That's fine. You know, I like Ray Romano. I think Ray Romano's hilarious. You know, like we all like things that are middle of the road. That's fine. I like Ray Romano. I think Ray Romano is hilarious. We all like things that are middle of the road. That's fine. I like Arby's. Do you really like Arby's?

I'm an Arby's fan as well. Wow. Did you know that the meat in an Arby's sandwich is like a compressed meat? It's like a yolk? Absolutely. Don't want to hear it. I was absolutely certain, 100% certain of that fact. Okay. So she says she likes that that's fine

and theresa's telling her why do you ever watch 30 rock and now if you ask me that's the best show um and it's really really funny and she's like oh you know i never it's okay she hasn't watched it and i'm thinking i'm not sure if she's gonna like it even if she watches it i'm not sure i don't want to go down this path i don't'm not sure if she's going to like it, even if she watches it. I'm not sure. I don't want to go down this path. I don't want to find out what's at the end of this road. She goes, oh, you ever watch The Office? The Office is something you can usually go to.

Like if somebody's bright, but they have pedestrian comedy taste, maybe you can go to The Office because it's a popular program. It's very accessible. She's like, well, sometimes I watch that Steve Carroll. I like him. Okay. Then you just throw in the towel. And that's when I'm like, okay, well, I'm just going to talk about something else. Cause I really liked this lady. Like she's a really great lady. I don't want to hate you. I'm not getting, I'm not getting mad. I'm just, I'm just getting, I just don't, I just want to extricate myself from this situation. You see what I'm saying? You don't want to say something you'll regret. Exactly. And that's when she volunteers she's really been enjoying medea

lately how do you first of all if you enjoy something typically you know how to say it that would be like me saying i am a big fan of vaginas that's a french vagina right that's a french woman's vagina nick loves french pussy it's true who does it um and at that point i don't know what to do i don't know what whether does that like i'm thinking You throw her out of your house, Jesse. Because I already know she's a great lady. I already know going into this, I know she's a great lady. She's a great friend of my wife's. She's dedicated her life to making the world a better place.

She's bright. She's like a person that I can relate to because she has a similar background to me. You're also Mexican? I'm Mexican-American. She went to an arts high school, a public arts high school. She came up in a moderately tough neighborhood and did something with herself. I can relate to that. You don't meet a lot

of people that are like that and so like it's like exciting to meet somebody that's like that and um so i'm i'm in support of her going in absolutely in support and normally my default would be to hate anyone who said that to me with the possible exception of there's there's the outside possibility if someone told me that they like tyler perry that i would that i could give them the same ethnicity pass that i gave to her for george l Lopez, where I could just be like, well, you know, I'm lucky. Like, there's lots and lots and lots of choices within the entertainment spectrum of people of my race and cultural background.

You know what I mean? There's a good white movie playing somewhere. At any given time. Yeah, exactly. Whereas you can't get that picky and choosy and, you know, like, whatever. It's not as important to her as it is to me and the end. But she's not African-American. She just likes it on merit.

I don't think she likes it because she relates to it culturally. I want to make that clear. Is she a Christian? Is she a Christian person? She, I don't think so. I think she's, I I mean she probably grew up Catholic right I think she

we talked about it last night the other night I think she grew up Catholic but she I don't think that she's religious

but I could be wrong but I don't think she's religious at all here's I've had this conversation a lot about Tyler Perry it comes up all the time

in the black community when we have the meetings. Sure. I don't understand the appeal. I mean, I understand the appeal. You have meetings and you vote on everything, sort of like Quakers, right? We want to put out a unified front, if possible,

so we all know the position. Absolutely. If you lost on Tyler Perry and you're just going to bite the bullet. Yeah, I have to. The majority rules. Do they share your opinion on Arby's? I think there is a significant percentage of the Negro community that is pro-Arby's.

Yes. Okay. So you were saying at the meetings. I mean, I understand the appeal of Tyler Perry's films intellectually. Right. They are fairy tales. Right. Like parables.

There's a put-upon black lady who, through sometimes no fault of her own or sometimes she has a flaw, she's having difficulty in her life. There is a good black man who is being overlooked because he's an average guy, or there's a better black man that she's over you know and then in the end everyone goes to church and it all works out whatever i i understand liking a good simple story like that i'm not gonna say that i'm not upset by non-happy stories right i've come out on this program to say that i can barely watch art movies anymore because i get too upset right right i just don't understand.

I mean, I understand as a minority wanting to see black people on screen, but I don't understand accepting inferior quality product into your face. I just... I mean, I understand a lot of people don't... A lot of people don't go to movies for that.

I mean, Transformers 2 makes a shit ton of money not because people are looking for writing and character study. People just want to sit in the dark and veg out for an hour. You know what I think people should want to go see? Ong Bak 2. Smooth. I saw Ong Bak 2. Ong Bak 2.

No, I'm not really trying to segue into Ong Bak 2. I just wanted to say, I just wanted to celebrate Ong Bak. Take a moment to celebrate Ong Bak and Ong Bak 2. Perhaps in Ong Bak 3, a little Madea. Well, you know, here's why I think it's going to get confusing. Ong Bak 2, prequel to Ong Bak. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So we're going to have to do a lot of time jumping if in the third installment.

I mean, I just think the Ongbakaverse is getting a little complicated. Okay, let's talk for a minute in case folks don't know what Ongbaka is. Ongbaka-pedia. Ongbaka is the TIE fighter starring Tony Jaa. Coolest last name ever. Tony, this is what happens in Ongbaka. Now, have you seen Ongbaka 1? No, I've only seen Ongbaka 2 now you you have you seen on buck one no i've only seen on buck two nick have you seen on buck one i've seen 65 of them buck

one okay here's what happens in on i'm pretty sure i can piece together the rest of the story some spoiler alert kicking some hoot jumps get kicked some hoodlums steal the village religious artifact of the village. Let's call it a golden monkey. And Tony Jaa has to go to the big city and find his cousin who lives in the big city but has gone down the wrong path, he finds out. And they have to work together to get back this thing.

So Tony Jaa has to learn to stand on his own two legs and be a grown-up. His cousin has to learn why it's important to love your family and your village that you came from. And the lady is just a lady in it. I'm not sure what her role is. The bad guys have to learn to love getting kneed in the face by Tony Jaa. Yeah, elbow, elbow, knee, knee, knee. Elbow, elbow, knee, knee, knee. That's the soundtrack to Ong Bak. What happens in Ong Bak is, for some reason,

he keeps getting sucked into a series of underground fighting tournaments. Why wouldn't you? He doesn't need to raise money for anything, as far as I can tell. It's a good way to find out information. He's not trying to avenge his dead brother? No. What happens is, he's just what happens is he'll just hang out in the pit of the underground fighting tournament, and then someone will start a fight with him, and people will start betting on it. That's what

happens repeatedly in this film. You'd think he'd learn to hang out somewhere else. But, it's a pretty sweet movie because he does a lot of cool Thai kickboxing. Now, you saw Ong Bak 2, Jordan. I did see Ong Bak 2 in my preparation for my trip to the Toronto Film Festival. sweet movie because he does a lot of cool thai kickboxing now you saw ong bak 2 jordan i did see ong bak 2 in my preparation for my trip to the toronto film festival oh um i saw ong bak 2 and um and ong bak 2 prequel this is takes place in feudal thailand oh it's a very extreme prequel. Yes. Yes. And I don't know if the suggestion...

So Tony Jaa's character is older in Ong Bak Wan than he seems. Yes, he's thousands. Because I would have guessed maybe 27. I think that the implication is that... Feudal Thailand was in the 80s. Oh, okay. That's how... Yeah, they were feudal until very recently.

This one just replaces the motorbikes with BMX bikes. Sure. And there is a scene in Ong Bak Tu where Tony Jaa is training to fight, and he runs across the top of a stampede of elephants and then jumps onto the head elephant's head and punches it in the head. And then all the other elephants bow to it and this all looks like it's happening and i'm sure that it's just because of like lax uh you know animal cruelty standards in thailand but i mean you pretty i can't i mean i you know i feel like you know i've seen enough movies and i for cgi to be jordan to be fair to the the film Commission of Thailand, an elephant can take a punch.

Yeah, and it does. And furthermore, Jordan, I think what you're underestimating here is how big of a star Tony Jaa is in his native Thailand. I mean, like a Tom Cruise, for example, a native American creature like a grizzly bear

or a mountain lion or cougar would certainly recognize Tom Cruise and do what Tom Cruise said. We've seen that over and over. I'm thinking a buffalo would take a punch in the face with Tom Cruise, no problem. Sure. Think of the buffaloes that agreed to appear in Dances with Buffaloes. What was that movie called? Dances with Wolves.

Dances with Wolves. Kevin Costner was big at the time. He had a lot of power for negotiating. If you're Tony Jaa and these are Thai elephants, I presume now, here's an important point. Are these Asian elephants or African elephants? No, these are Asian elephants. Because if they're shipping in African elephants. So these are native Thai elephants.

Small ears. Scab labor. Yeah, right? You can't do that. That's all they have to do. They just have to threaten to bring in the larger, more powerful African elephants. They'll work for cheaper. Get in line.

They're tougher. They've got more ivory. That punching the elephant in the head sounds like either the most amazing thing to ever be photographed in the history of film or the worst stunt slash effect ever. No, it's great. It looks like it's actually happening i i uh you you feel like you're just seeing an elephant getting punched in the head there's you know how a lot of um you know a lot of uh like martial arts half the movie is in slow motion

you know a martial arts film will have a big opener big opening action scene a set piece is what they call that in the biz this is is what the opener of Ong Bak is. A bunch of guys are trying to climb a tree super fast, and Tony Jaa jumps on the dudes and climbs the dudes up to the top of the tree. I remember that. It was crazy. It's crazy. It's no elephant punch.

Yeah. Okay. So yeah, Ong Bak 2. It's crazy. It's no elephant punch. Yeah. Okay. So yeah, Ong Bok too. It's pretty spectacular. There's obviously some stuff in it about like Thai history and mythology that I didn't understand. Oh, yeah. And then there's demon ladies sometimes for some reason. Wow.

But if you can get beyond being a little confused, it's pretty spectacular. There's a lot of reasons. A million reasons they have demon ladies in there. Number one, Thai history. Sure. Number two, Thai mythology. Okay. Number three, Thai cultural traditions.

Okay. That makes sense now. That's also why they use elbows instead of fists. Yeah. Elbowing people. Anyway, we're having a great time. It's myself, Jesse Thorne. We've got Jordan Morris here.

Nick Adams is here. We'll be back in just a second with more on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Nick, repeat Adams. Nick, it's great to have you here. It's great to be here. It's been an absolute joy to have you here. Thank you. We want you to leave. I just, I just, you guys. Please stay. No, please, please leave. Thank you. the CD player to play a different CD. So if we just wanted to listen to this CD I just got in the mail, Shafiq and Freaka

by Shafiq Hussain from the Saarau Creative Partners, we could do that. Or we could do voices, but instead what I've decided to do, we're live web streaming this week's program. I just went into the chat room and said, does anybody have a momentous

occasion they can share with us? Luckily, Daryl from Montana, a regular on the forum, was listening live. Daryl, welcome to the program. Hey, Jeffy. It's a pleasure to have you here, sir. Pleasure to be here and save the show. We'll see. Daryl, what's your momentous occasion this week? We'll see. Daryl, what's your momentous occasion this week? Well, for the first time in my life, I actually almost got in a fist fight with a total stranger. Wait a minute. Now, Daryl, number one, you're a grown man.

You have a grown child. Yes. Your daughter's what, 19, 20 years old? 19 years old. Okay, so we met your daughter at MaxFunCon. That's why I know this. And people who are podcast listeners, that's usually not a fighting demographic. No, not at all. And I am personally not a fighting demographic. I've never gotten in a fight in my life, except for one time when a girl punched me in the nose and I ran away.

You seem like a sweet-tempered guy. Yeah, I'm very even-tempered. What's the circumstance? I went to a concert at a smallish venue here in Billings, Montana. Oh, man. Another Nora Jones concert erupts into violence. We've heard this story a thousand times. I can't even remember the name of the band now But they're known as kind of a quasi-Christian band

Okay Oh, Creed No, not even Creed Oh, I got it Nitty-gritty I'll think of it in a minute Nitty-gritty dirt band You too

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony Bone Thugs, it's Bone Thugs-N-Harmony. Bone Thugs. It's Bone Thugs. Not a band who should at all attract a fighting crowd. Okay, so it's Bone Thugs. Yeah. And in the back of the auditorium, they had a little bar set up so people could get their drinks or whatever. And they closed the bar down, but yet there were some people back there who I guess still had a few in them.

Switchfoot. Sorry. Not even as good as them. Keep trying. This shows you how momentous it is. I don't even remember the band. Echo and the Bunnymen. So I went back to...

We're going to keep doing this until you just hang up. Oh, Scott Joplin. This famous stride piano. Yeah, them. So I went and leaned on one of the tables in the back to just kind of watch the band, and it was all standing only. But I'm an old guy, and my back was hurting, so I went to lean on one of these tables, and there's like three guys behind me who had too much to drink

who started yelling out that the band sucked and stuff like that. And I thought, oh, okay, whatever. I don't really care for this band one way or the other. But then as they were throwing their beer cans away, they would walk past me and, like, bump into me. And I'm like, this is crazy. Why would they do something like this? I'm just here to watch the band.

And so you kicked one in the balls? Pardon me? So you kicked one in the balls? Pardon me? So you kicked one in the balls? No, I did not. But I came pretty close. Because they kept just deliberately trying to irritate me. P.O.D. Payable on death.

No, but you've got a good deep knowledge there. Jordan, you're guessing actual semi-Christian bands. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do. That's the beauty of it. That's why it's so impressive that he knows this many Christian bands. That's pretty good. That is pretty good. And it wasn't Petra either.

So the upshot of this is that you almost got in a fight with them, but you didn't? Well, the upshot is that they kept yelling. As I'm trying to watch the concert. They keep yelling, and they were irritating everyone around them, and I finally turned around and said, you know, you can leave. If you don't like it, just leave. No one's forcing you to stay here. Yeah, so I turned back around, and then this guy who I call Scott F farkas because he was he looked like scott farkas

he i don't know who scott farkas is uh from uh christmas story okay the bully from christmas he looked just like him he had green teeth and he they just kept getting closer and closer and he kept he shoved his friend into me to try to start a fight, and I just ignored them. Is this a Wiggles concert? Because this behavior is strangely juvenile. That's exactly what it was. So they start leaning on me, like literally leaning all over me. And I'm thinking they either really, really like me, or they're just really trying to start a fight.

And I am a very zen kind of guy. I don't get upset. Certainly. If I was going to use one word to describe Daryl from Montana, it would be zen-like. Zen. Yeah. That's why he enjoys Big Sky Country. Yeah.

I'm just a very easygoing guy. But I started getting so angry that I was either going to – I was actually picturing in my mind how I could turn around and just plant one right in the guy's face. Was this when you realized, Daryl, that you didn't like the band anyway, so you should just leave? I think so, but it was hard for me to hear you, so I'm just going to say yes. There we go.

Daryl in Montana, momentous occasion. Thank you for saving us, Daryl. Oh, I know. Just let this go down in history, and you owe me one. One more guess? Veggie Tales Live. That was it. Okay, it was Veggie Tales Live.

I'll type it into the chat room when I remember who it is. That explains why everybody was so riled up. Later, Daryl. All right, bye. All right, Daryl. Daryl in Montana. You want to try one more? Yeah, why not?

Okay, I'm going to call Bob in Austin, okay? You guys entertain the people while I call Bob in Austin. How about I've been to Montana before? How'd that go? Great.

I had two of the best meals I've ever had in my entire life. Oh, really? What's a typical Montanian dish like? What are they known for? There was a prime rib, if I'm remembering correctly, at the wedding reception, which was amazing.

Really? At the wedding reception? Yeah, yeah. It's not really where you expect to find a great meal. It was awesome. And then we ate at the hotel restaurant, and there was like a whole rainbow trout situation. There was a rainbow trout situation? Amazing. Okay, you guys ready Rainbow Trout situation? Amazing.

Okay, you guys ready for Bob from Austin? Yep. Okay, here we go. I want to point out that I'm not doing this with some kind of one of those systems where you press a button to put somebody on the air. That's why everything's so complicated. Bob, you're on Jordan. Jesse, can you hear us okay?

You're a little quiet, but I can hear you. Oh, Christ. I'm going to have to turn myself up. Okay, Bob, so what was your momentous occasion? It is that this weekend, for the holiday weekend, I decided to build a smoker from some terracotta pots. Now we're talking, Bob. I don't know you.

There it is. You could be a skinhead. I already kind of like you just because you... Not only do you want to smoke your own meats, you could have just gone to a quick mart or a Value City in Austin and purchased that. Could have gone to a Value City to get that. No, it was actually a nursery that I went to where I found the pots

and threw it together. So now you're saying... About $75-ish. How much time did that take you, Bob? I've been, I started the meat on the smoker at 11 this morning. No, no, how much time did it take you to build this thing? Oh, maybe three or four hours yesterday. Sounds like Bob might be kind of a smoker.

I dismantled a hot plate, was the most difficult part, and put the element inside the pot and have the controller on the outside. The element. Wait, so you have to dismantle a hot plate? What's that? You dismantle a hot plate? Why am I quiet? You guys are loud.

It's pretty easy. Yeah, I don't know. The hard part is finding a hot plate. What are you smoking? What are you smoking in the smoker? I'm smoking a pork shoulder right now. Holy Jesus. Would you say it's fair to call that a pork butt?

Say it again. You can't hear me at all. Jesse wanted to know if it was a pork butt. It is. Well, I think the pork shoulder, the entire shoulder is made of the butt and the picnic. I don't know why it's called a picnic. Now, I don't know if you guys are grillers. I'm a griller, so I'm just going to go right into the meat talk.

Now, what are you going to do with the shoulder? Are you going to do like a pulled pork sandwich thing? Yeah, I'll probably pull the pork out and then, I don't know, either eat it raw or make some sandwiches. I would probably cook it first. Well, I mean after it's been smoked, of course. Okay. Sauce-wise, what are we doing?

Are we doing a vinegary mustard deal? Are we going to go a sweeter? I'm much more of a tomato-based guy as far as the sauces go. But if I do a good job, ideally, I guess I won't need a sauce, right? As I understand it, I'm 86% water. Hello! It's a little tomatoes based joke he said he's a

tomato based guy I'm water based that's the kind of humor we're doing on Jordan Jesse Go here folks so good Bob thank you so

much for calling in with that momentous momentous occasion I do not want Nick to talk more about fucking barbecues no send me pictures email video

something I want to know more desperately send me pictures of the meat video, something. I want to know more. Desperately. Send me pictures of the meat. Pictures of the meat. We could just have Jesse start talking about baseball shit, and Jordan could start talking about video games, and then we could just hang out and talk

about barbecue the whole time. It'll be like the Wall of Sound. The Jordan-Jesse-Go Wall of Sound. Someone did put in a request on the chatroom that I bring up. I believe it was Mark Langston on the program this week. No, Brett Saberhagen. Brett Saberhagen.

So I've done it. Brett Saberhagen, great pitcher for the Kansas City Royals and later the New York Mets. We'll be back in just a minute on Jordan Jesse Goh. La, la, la, la, la, la, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Nick, repeat Adam. This was a fun show, huh, Jordan? Aren't they always, though? Isn't it nice when we come in here completely unprepared? Sure. Nothing prepared. We put on... Super distracted.

Really distracted. I'm'm sleepy i got a little bit of a headache jordan's got to get to work nick just found out he's coming over last night um everybody's a little bit out of sorts gassy and and it doesn't matter because you know why because we can put out a c-minus program even under those circumstances that's the kind of talent we have professional talent we have professionalism we have the professionalism it's like uh it's like uh take a seth mcfarland for example sure this is a guy who knows even if he's distracted even if he's sleepy he can come up with a few you know allusions or references that he can make into cut scene cut scenes and turn that

thing into a C-. Just throw a chicken in it. Exactly. It's always funny if a chicken just shows up. Yeah, and then still have time to take Miss Elijah Dushku to dinner. Yeah, precisely. That's how it works, you know? That's how it works in Hollywood. That's how you know that we're stars, Jordan.

That is how you know that we are stars. We make it look easy. Jordan, I have a question for you. Yes, please. You may remember that before we left, before i left for my vacation to the great nation of mexico uh wherein i visited puerto vallarta and oaxaca uh that you took responsibility for the high five contest i did i want to know who is the winner of the high five contest uh i might have to post that on the blog later tonight okay Okay. I have not done the final tallies.

Jordan promises he will. I have dropped the ball. Post it on the blog later tonight. The winner of the 2009 MaximumFun.org Jordan Jesse Go high five contest.

Nick, it was a pleasure to have you here. Always fun, man. Nick, you've been working on this television pilot based on your book for about a thousand years now. Yes, that's what it feels like.

Maybe one day people will be able to enjoy that. In the meantime, they can certainly buy the book. They can buy the book? In a local bookstore, Amazon.com, BarnesandNobles.com. eBay. Electronic Bay. If you just want it. If you just want it and don't want to pay a lot of money.

Right, you want to just get a copy of it. If you just want it and don't want to pay a lot of money. Right. You want to just get a copy of it. It's Nick Adams. It's called Making Friends with Black People or How to Make Friends with Black People. Making Friends with Black People. I've got a copy of it. I read it. I enjoyed it.

I laughed. Invited Nick on my program. It's just a delight to have Nick here every single time. That's why he always ends up in that top ranking. You get a thread, who's your favorite guests? You're sure you're going to get Ashkahn in there. Yeah, you know, just like you have the white woman and the octoroon ranking,

we have guest rankings, and you're pretty consistently in the top tier. And you're the number one black guy. Just so you know. Pretty sure you're the only black guy that's ever been a guest host on this show can you think of another oh pigeon john was on okay well you're number one pigeon john's number two i'm a pigeon john fan how about that well who isn't a pigeon john fan one of the

nicest guys in hollywood if you really want to blow people's minds next time me pigeon john same space whoa whoa whoa death match That's going to turn into some kind of race war. I don't want that. I don't have time for that. I think me, Pigeon John and I are the two least threatening black people that have ever been on anyone's show ever.

The least threatening black people on Earth. What if we just got, what if we just made it Nick Adams and the con man that lives on the first floor? Yeah, we can get that, get to the bottom of what that guy's deal is. I want to find out what this guy's deal is. We can find out what his story is. Or how about this?

We can start having more insane people on the show. How about this for a program? This will make it more African Americans than whites. We get Nick, the con man, and the crazy stoned guy from the first floor. Hey. So that's three African American gentlemen. And we're not even on the show. Yeah, they're just hosting it.

It's just Nick fighting those two guys. Can you leave the door open while we're recording that show? Yeah. And just make sure the police are aware. These guys sound very nervous. We've had a great time on this week's program. Haven't we done? Next week, we're going to be around next week, right?

We'll probably be around next week. What is this? Is next week when we're out of town? No, it's the week after. Okay, so we'll probably be around for next week's program. Hopefully, cross your fingers. And then we're going to be in Philadelphia and New York City. Both of those shows sold out.

I understand there will be standby tickets at the UCB in New York. And as of this recording, I think there are some tickets for The Sound of Young America in Philadelphia. But that's it. All the rest of the shows are sold out. It's going to be a very successful tour, Jordan. Yeah, you're SOL assholes.

If you're coming to the shows, here's what I ask. Go on the website, order one of our posters. We have these beautiful posters that our friend Tom Deja from Boss Man Graphics designed. They seriously look super, super cool.

And if you pay $10, $12 for one, we'll give it to you at the show. We'll autograph it for you, whatever you want. I don't think we're going to sell these things on the website. And that's how we're going to pay for our, you know, walking around money. You know what I'm saying? We don't make any money doing these tours. I want to make this clear. People say, oh, come to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Like, yeah, okay. If you want to pay us to come to blah, blah blah blah like yeah okay if you want to pay us to come to blah blah blah we'll come we don't make any money on these things yeah we're just trying to cover our expenses don't believe it folks we come because we love you yeah we're super rich i mean i'm not look jordan and i are both really nick are you super rich absolutely yeah like we're all really really rich guys but that's oil money we don't want to spend our oil money you know what i mean it's sort of like how j of like how Jay Leno only lives on his stand-up money. We only live on our Monsters of Podcasting money.

We don't spend our oil money from our successful oil businesses and natural gas businesses. A-rab money. To be fair. Yeah, exactly as Buster Rhymes would say. We'll be back next week on Jordan, Jesse, Goat. Later, gang.