Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 111: Richmond

Episode Date: September 26, 2009

Karen Kilgariff joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about the new fall TV season, getting punched in the face, and Richmond.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, nanny, twid and a region enveloped in his big, strong arms.

Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, you really sound like you're on the verge of death. You sound like the cryptkeeper. Yeah, I know. I will be doing some horror puns later. I haven't really thought of them yet, but I'm going to do them and they're going to be great. It's horrifying. It's really a terrifying situation.

Are you just prepping for Not Scary Farm? Yeah, God, I wish. No, no, I actually just lost my voice. I feel great. You look good. Yeah, I look good. You're more flexible than usual, I noticed. And smarter, too. Very live. Yeah, I did a bunch of math problems really fast.

Sinuous. But no, I actually did four Fuel fuel tv fuel tv did these kind of live shows in front of an audience uh and i was designated audience warm-up guy but they forgot to bring you a microphone uh yeah it was a situation and um anyways and i kind of thought you know you have this idea in your head of the audience. Warm-up guy, you have. T-shirt gun. Yeah, you have T-shirt gun and just kind of obnoxious, you know, making everyone do a dance contest. And, you know, just kind of general adult child.

Raping someone after the show. Well, I was going to say summer camp counselor behavior. Right, okay. Fair enough. That can be it, yeah. summer camp counselor behavior right okay fair enough that can be it yeah um and uh but i'm like oh you know what i'll just i'll try and be clever i will not speak down to anyone i'll you know just engage the audience on their level i'll be real i'll try and be funny and not obnoxious and not affected uh affected uh but uh turns out uh that they uh think i'm dumb and the best way to get across to them

is just to yell who wants a t-shirt and then throw a t-shirt to who screams the loudest so uh i really abandoned my uh my highbrow audience warm-up ethos pretty early on in the game it just started hey who wants a t-shirt? Yell, yell real loud and clap. That reminds me, why didn't we bring the t-shirt gun on our recent tour? Why did we not? Yeah. Well, I mean, first of all... We bought that t-shirt gun.

You know, it's just the refill cartridges are expensive. Those are super expensive cartridges. Plus, I keep using them up in my seltzer machine. We have a guest with us, Jordan. Yes, we do. My voice is not the only thing amazing about this show. No, we have the amazingly hilarious and talented comedy writer, performer. You might know her from television's Mr. Show.

From what else? What are we talking about? We're looking at a... The popular kind of stage presentation, Girls Guitar Club. Girls Guitar Club. And was the head writer of The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Ellen DeGeneres Show, starring Ellen DeGeneres from television. Miss Karen Kilgareff.

Hello. Did we... Any credits we didn't? Yeah, there's a ton of stuff from the 80s that I did. But we'll just talk about it later. Kojak? Yeah, yeah. Did you see my Kojak?

I've seen a few Kojaks. You played Kojak? Yeah, I was Kojak for a long time. You look better now. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, you actually, as you've aged, you've become more beautiful. Thank you so much.

I think hair has a lot to do with beauty. Right. And I tried to tell them that. More and more. Yeah. Yeah. You know what's great? You know what I like about Karen Kilgariff?

There's a lot of things that I like about Karen Kilgariff. Sure. Having her here on the show. Unlike us, she's an accomplished comedy writer and performer. Yeah. Was kind of my boss for a while. Was kind of your boss for a while was kind of your boss for a while um a class act a cool lady but what i know is that i i once saw the girls guitar club uh perform at

the san francisco sketch comedy festival um quite some time ago i mean five years ago and um and i know from i know from having had that experience that this is a safe space for me to make jokes about former KTVU anchor Dennis Richmond. Yes, a safe and receiving space. And if no one else gets it, I get it. Do you know that actually, I think it was probably two years ago, I opened for Greg Barrett, or a year, I can't remember, at Cobbs. Big comedy club in San Francisco. Yeah, San Francisco Comedy Club. I opened for Greg Barrett a year, I can't remember, at Cobbs. Big comedy club in San Francisco. Yeah, San Francisco Comedy Club.

It's actually incredibly large because they moved it to Bimbo's. Yeah, it's in North Beach now. It's down the block from Bimbo's. Okay, huge. The inside space is insanely huge. But anyway, Dennis Richman had just retired, or was retiring that week that I was there. And I found out while I was there. So it turned out that my first 10 minutes was all about Dennis Richmond. And people are just like, what is she talking about? But I just, I was just obsessive because

I've always loved it. He's a news anchor for the local. Yeah, I Jesse has brought up Dennis Richmond a lot in the past. I think we even had a Dennis Richmond slideshow at one of our live shows. I'm still kind of unclear about who he is. He's just this incredibly powerful news anchor that used to deliver the news with total professional sincerity. And he was just strong and a badass.

Yeah, and he had a beautiful mustache. Just a beautiful, handsome man. Have you ever seen photographs of him? We did this slideshow. I put together a little montage of Dennis Richmond through the years. And have you ever seen any pictures of him reporting in the early 1970s with a beautiful afro? Yes. I saw one where he was rappelling down a building. Yes! I saw that one too. He's that amazing. Jordan, did you know that I'm not the only one who's done a Google

image search for Dennis Richmond? I did not know that. Yeah. And now that I know that, I feel bad. What's magical about Dennis Richmond is he's a local television host with national gravitas. Oh, yeah. He could have gone to the bigs if he wanted to, but he stayed in the Bay Area.

He loved the Bay Area. Yeah. You know, that's why we live in the Bay Area. So this guy could be on Good Morning America. He never would do Good Morning America. He wouldn't do Good Morning America. This isn't one of your Los Angeles stormy weathers.

So he's kind of like, Jillian Barbary. This is head and shoulders above. So this guy's kind of the Fugazi of local news. Oh, absolutely. He could sell out if he wanted to. He's not going to sell out, number one, he's not going to sell out the Bay Area,

number two, he's not going to sell out the original 10 o'clock news. That's exactly right. Or that ring that he wears so proudly. That giant ring. Huge gold ring. Huge, monstrous gold ring. Because he's a successful man.

He's a successful man. It looks like that he could be a linebacker for the 49ers if he felt like it because he's got shoulders that fill up the entire screen. Because, granted, look, he could be a linebacker. He wants to have a signature if he punches someone. You think the ring is part of that?

I know it is. It's a signet ring specifically for punching? Yeah, just, you know. Like for branding his victim. Look, by the time he retired, he was in his 60s um he may not have had the speed that other san francisco 49ers linebackers had but he made up for it with wisdom um he was able to wait what's he actually a football player no no no i well maybe confused sure yes it felt like he was that That's the thing. There's that kind of, when you watched him, it wasn't just like, oh, the boring news my parents are making me watch.

It's like, oh, look at him. He's telling me something. You know how when you're being held by a defensive tackle, you feel safe, like nothing could get to you. You're in these beautiful, giant arms. you're in these beautiful giant arms. And you feel like even if someone shot a bullet at you, it would just fall to the ground. I've never been held by a football player,

but I did get tangled in a kelp bed once. Similar. It's similar. It's basically the same as a kelp. I kind of recognize that feeling like, oh, that's when I got tangled in that kelp bed. Yeah, you could have. Yeah, I mean, it's sort of like an undertow of wisdom that you feel. Yes, and care.

Drawing you into a quiet death of news knowledge, like current events information and live reporting. Because he also seemed very disappointed by the bad news of the Bay Area. When he would talk about carjackings, he would talk about kidnappings. It was kind of like, come on, you guys, let's get it together, is kind of the feeling that you had. You wanted to do better. And specifically, Elaine Corral really needed to get her act together. That was obvious. Look, Elaine Corral was a gifted news host, Jordan.

I'm not trying to tell you that Elaine Corral was bad at her job. No, never. She's clearly a professional. This is a strong, attractive, intelligent woman. But at the end of the day, it's her responsibility to get her act together and just get this thing moving forward. Because that's what, I mean, it's about expectations. And that's what Dennis expects. I mean, they weren't just reporting the news.

They were trying to better society on KTVU. That's what they were doing, really, is saying, this is holding up the mirror. This is what you guys are like. This is what Dennis Richmond would do. He'd pick up a mirror. He'd put it to Dave McElhatton, the host of the KPIX Channel 5 News. And he'd say, Dave McElhatton, look at you. You've got a blocky, bald head.

Bald as the day is long. How did you get on television? You're obviously a radio host. Clearly left over from the late 60s, early 70s. You're an embarrassment to all of us here in the Bay Area, even people in P-Know. Yeah. Even P-Know. Yeah. P-Know? P-Know.

I don't understand most of these words. Yeah, we're really leaving you out on this Dennis Richmond rant. Sorry, Jordan. Should we just talk about stormy weather? There's Dallas rains. I'm guessing you're alluding to the L.A. weather guys who always pick these intense, I'm guessing, pseudonyms. I don't think anybody's name is actually Dallas Ramsey.

No, Johnny Mountain was born. His Christian name is Johnny Mountain. Wow. Of the Virginia Mountains. Yes. Absolutely. Of the Adirondack Mountains. It all fits.

He is actually a human mountain. A mountain in human form. Brought to life by some sort of gypsy curse. There's these amazing billboards for the Los Angeles news teams that say, like, you're intelligent, trusted source for news. And then it says, like, Pammy, Sal, Jimmy. And you're like, wait, what? It's been a while since I've seen these signs, but there was a sign.

There was a 10 o'clock newscast in L.A. I think this was on. I think this was back when UPN was still a thing. I think this was on the UPN affiliate. Like 97 maybe? 95? It was definitely after I had moved to L.A. So I think in the year 03, 04. Your 2000s. Your aught ones. Oh, so I think in the – your 03s, 04s.

Your 2000s, sure. Your aught ones, aught twos. It's in the aughts. All right. And the slogan – it had a very handsome news anchor and a very bosomy anchoress. Have to. And the slogan was, get it on news. What?

The slogan was like, channel channel 13 get it on news in los angeles i sometimes wonder if they just pick the news anchors from like uh like beer spokesmodel teams and like like obviously the beer spokesmodel teams are ladies but the dudes maybe are those kind of guys who they like send to bars with tequila and like a plunger on their head yeah johnny walker read a guy in a kilt and then they're like but you've got something special read this paper so just we're just just specifically read this paper about usher or a horse that fell into a ravine right just read it the news is a lot like a shot you need to sell it to the audience. You need to convince them that they need it to have a good time.

That's right. What can you do, Jordan? Well, we're having a great time today. I haven't thought of a single horror pun yet to say with my voice. Let it stew. Okay. Yeah, you have time. We're going to be pretty soon. We're going to be living your nightmare.

I've watched enough tales from the crypt where I should just have some in my file, but you know what? I don't. But he used all those puns. The crypt keeper was just like the pun-tastic. That's not, that's not one. What if that became popular?

It's saying pun-tastic. It was the pun-tastic. Yeah. Okay. Well, we'll be back in just a second with more on Jordan, Jessica. more on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us, the one, the only hilarious stand-up comic, professional comedy writer, television performer, Karen Colgariff. Thank you. Karen, you do get to make up a nickname for yourself. Oh, really? That's the main perk of being on this program.

All right. I have to mull that like your horror puns. Yes. I have to mull it because it's important. Work it over. I mean, speaking of things that are important, Jordan. The Hellcat? Sure. Yes. Hellcat. You've done m, Jordan. The Hellcat? We, we. Oh, sure.

Yes. Oh, you've done mulling. That was my mulling. Okay. I thought it might go until the next segment and then we would introduce it. That's how long I mull. That's kind of like, that's kind of rockabilly. It's kind of shit kicking.

It could go anywhere around the city. I could take that into any bar, into any gang. Yeah. Absolutely. I think it's best in a gang. Yes, absolutely. You're the Hellcat. Hi, I'm the Hellcat.

Do you have any guns? You could even probably join a gang of fellows if you needed to. That'd be cool. Or the name like that. Yeah. Like Chewie and the Hellcat, that's the deadliest part of MS-13,

the world's most dangerous gang. Yeah. Well, you have a switchblade. I hide them in my hair. Oh, okay. Oh, God. You know, I'm sorry. I don't want to go back too far, especially because it's something I don't know anything about.

Okay. One last Dennis Richman question. Yes. Karen, growing up watching Dennis Richman, when you became – when you started maturing, was a Dennis Richman crush ever anything that entered into it? That was the whole thing for me. Okay. That was absolutely beginning, middle, and end. But also he – it was kind of like a crush, but then as you were saying, there's also this kind of, it feels like he's only talking to you. So it's that kind of, you start to be a crazy stalker in that way

where it's like you turn on the TV because Dennis Richmond's going to tell you something. Because he stares right, you just have to see him. He stares into the camera. His mustache kind of shoots lasers into your insides. Yes. Your most important part. Maybe you're wondering what college you should go to, and you're like, oh, maybe Dennis Richman will tell me in this broadcast.

Click. And then if he says, if he happens to say, you know, San Jose, then you're like, well, there's my message. All of a sudden, what he's saying, you're decoding. He's talking about Campbell. Yes. He's talking about Los Gatos. He's talking about Fremont, Colma.

He's talking about Concord. Top of the Hill Daily City. Top of the Hill Daily City. This is like strictly Bay Area podcast right now. I shouldn't have brought it up. Did we ever talk about the time I went to the House Rabbit Society in the East Bay, in the Bay Area? There's been a lot of rabbit talk. One time I went to the, my wife was thinking of a special thing to do for me for my birthday.

This was when I was still living in the city. So that would be, you know, five or six years ago. And I, you don't know this about me, Karen, but I really love bunny rabbits, especially really cute bunny rabbits. I used to have some bunny rabbits when I was a little kid and I don't know this about me, Karen, but I really love bunny rabbits, especially really cute bunny rabbits. I used to have some bunny rabbits when I was a little kid, and I don't anymore. Now I have a doggie, but I still love bunnies. I have my own bunny calendar. I just love them.

I love flop bunnies, pointy-eared bunnies, little bunnies, giant bunnies, just any kind of hopping. Whatever you can get. Not shutting up about bunnies. Sure. Hopping bunny. up about bunnies hopping bunny and and one time my wife uh my wife decided to bring me to the house rabbit society which is in the east bay it's a it's a little bay area chapter of the house rabbit society i believe amy sedaris is very active in the house rabbit society um and it's basically you know people it's sort of like a rescue organization specifically for bunnies and uh

it was in richmond which is in the East Bay. A lovely town. A beautiful town. Very gorgeous. And there's really this kind of like, you know, when I was growing up, you know, my neighborhood was a tough neighborhood. But there's a difference between a kind of like slightly scary sort of like immigrant neighborhood where it's sort of like, sure, there's a lot of like scary cholos, but there's also like a lot of cute babies. And it's mostly your problem.

Yeah. The fear issue. Well, I don't know. I had some experiences that would contradict that. But like, you know, like there's a lot of different stuff going on. Sure. And I'm cool with that. Like, I'm fine with that.

But when we were driving to Richmond, through Richmond, to get to the House Rabbit Society, I literally unconsciously locked the doors of the car. Oh, yeah. unconsciously lock the doors of the car. Oh, yeah. Like, there's this weird kind of, like, and it's, there's kind of hood places in L.A. that make me feel this way. There's this weird kind of distance between the sadnesses

that's just filled with broken dreams. And glass. That is really, yeah, like, broken dreams and broken glass. That's really scary. And there's a dog eating out of the garbage. Like when there's just not, like when the only people that are on the street, like just have that kind of desperate glint in their eyes.

Okay, we actually did a speech meet in Richmond. We would, it was like one of the schools we competed with. And Petaluma, the town I grew up in, is like this little farm town. Very, you know, very innocent, very green. And we'd go to Richmond, and literally they told us we weren't allowed to go near the fence. I swear to God, because we were like, it was a Saturday at a high school. It's like being in a prison. Yeah, they were like, do not go to the outer realms of this high school.

It was like when you're visiting a prison, you don't want to go too close to the bars in case somebody reaches out. Exactly. And a kid actually got jumped at this high school at a speech meet. So then they had to take precautions. But on the way home, this was one of the most incredible things I'd ever seen

because everyone's just staring around like, what are we looking at? And it's really tragic, of course. But I was in some kind of a weird minivan where my bench seat faced the side window. So I was watching the sidewalk as, you know, there's like eight other high school kids are in this van with us and a mom driving. And I look up the sidewalk and I see this really fat woman in a house dress and she's kind of squatting oddly. So I'm like kind of staring at her as everyone's talking around me. And slowly the house dress comes up.

And she's squatting. And she's taking a shit on the sidewalk. And I was pointing and screaming. But I couldn't say anything because she was facing the cars. It wasn't like she had found a corner to go to. It was kind of. She did not maybe think that she was secluded, but you just happened to be driving by. Or it was an act of rebellion.

I don't know what she was doing, but all I could do was scream. And the mother driving the car was like, what is wrong? It caused a huge thing, and I couldn't explain it. Because, of course, then I was like, that woman, she just went to the bathroom on the street. And they're like, Karen. And it was like, oh, my God. It was it's it's a really like it's really something else. I mean, there's something about the kind of like when it comes to kind of ghetto shit, like the part where it's sort of also sort of suburban and everything's a little bit too far from everything else.

And everything feels like nightmarishly alienated from everything else and uh it's a very very strange place to have a house full of bunny rabbits and like some ladies who love bunny rabbits like at the door like oh hello would you like to visit the buns and um so that was like that was like the my main take like i loved visiting the bunny rabbits And they were hopping around It was just hilarious That's probably the one time they can't get along on their own though They needed the most enrichment Like if they ever needed to be in a house

It's enrichment I would say Someone might just shit on them Which is really dangerous news Okay so I didn't intend to just talk about bunny rabbits today Jordan I meant to talk about Number one bunny, bunny rabbits, and number two, something that came up on the show a couple weeks ago that we never gave the breathing room it deserved.

I feel like we never explicated this poem. We just offhandedly mentioned that a celebrity extreme sports athlete had punched you in the face. Yes. It might have just been on the web chat, too. We might not even have brought it up on the podcast. I don't know. You were, however, punched in the face. Yes, I know.

That does not change the fact that I was punched in the face recently, and I've kind of had some time to process it. punched in the face recently and I uh I've kind of had some time to process it uh you know really just unpack what it means to have been punched in the face recently let's talk I see you the day after or what yeah you saw me very recently I think I was I think I was maybe even a little bit bruised yeah you still had a black eye and and kind of a dazed look in your in your yeah yeah I was crying oh right yeah you're crying in the corner okay so i have a question i was since let's first of all for folks who it came up on the forums um and i think in the web chat i'm not sure how much of it we described on the show so we should say what was the context for you this is not a bar fight no no no no um this was uh this was a goof gone awry okay you could call it um anyway so i was at a a celebrity golf tournament for uh my job at fuel um in a big there's a big uh extreme

sports contingent at this uh celebrity golf tournament they love golf that yes you know what they do they really do they're all, yeah, they're these. Every action sports guy is a millionaire that lives in Orange County. Right. So yes, they love golf and like dune buggies. Sure. So anyways. And claim jumpers. Yes. Good garlic bread. Shame restaurant claim jumpers. That is good garlic bread though at that claim jumper. It's really good. jumpers that is good garlic bread though it's really good um and anyway so uh uh celebrity golf tournament i thought kind of a funny angle to this uh piece on this golf tournament would be having a more uh low rent celebrity competition uh so i was you know playing rock scissors paper with people uh and uh and thumb war which is where the punching will occur um anyway so that we're all having a good time we're playing rock scissors paper uh and i get to uh um uh motocross professional and uh star of mtv's nitro circus uh travis pastrana um and and he he's been a motocross guy for a long time. And recently he has this MTV show,

which is kind of jackass, but with more car crashes. Sure. There's a lot of, you know, there's a lot of just general dutying around, but then they will crash a car. Even more extreme than jackass. Yeah.

They take it even further. Yes, yes, yes. Exactly. Anyways, so I said, would you like to play celebrity thumb war with me he says of course uh we hold hands one two three four uh and then he uh takes our clasped hands and socks me in the face um bloody nose a little bruising, and I just recoiled. And he, kind of after the camera was off, kind of came up to me and was like, oh my God, you know, I didn't mean to hit you that hard.

He was a little drunk probably. Sure. He was 11. I think every golf cart at this thing had a big cooler of beer in the back. I mean, if you're talking about a motocross guy, if it's 11 a.m., they're definitely drunk. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It's what they do. That and motocross.

Those two things. You know, and the guy's been nice to me in the past and has been nice since. So I don't, I'm not, you know, I wasn't too mad. But it has led me to realize a lot of stuff about myself. Wait, I have a question for you. When you got, because we've talked before about the time that I got randomly punched in the face as a surprise. I was once randomly put by a passerby on the street. Oh.

I cried like a fucking bitch. Like, I just cried and cried. And I'm pretty sure, I mean, I was like 12 or something like that at the time. But I'm pretty sure that now, if that happened, I would just cry like a bitch. Like, there's no, I don't, so I want to know, did you cry in any way? Here was kind of what went through my head. And also, did you win? Oh, the thumb war? Yeah. Oh, the thumb war stopped after I was punched. We did not, yeah.

Not worth it. That was unclear. You should have clarified that. I'm sorry. So, when I tell this story to a dude, the dude reaction was, oh my god, I would have fucking killed that guy. I would have fucking killed that guy.

I would have gone nuts. You can see. I mean, you just heard that from me. Right. Yeah. That's a dude reaction. Never, never once did that enter my head and I feel so bad because it's these guys got reaction to hearing the story at never once did uh did my fight response kick in pure flight pure flight response and even the crying there was this little you know second and a half where I thought maybe crying was uh

was going to be part of it but then this other part kicked in that said that's gonna waste time you should get away the crying will take up too much time like just just leave like the the the urge to just to just run and maybe uh dig a burrow of some kind sure uh you know get under a bed to grow a mustache get get in a door, get in a door frame. Yeah. It's the safest place. But I think that's based on experience because being at Fuel for so long, you've been around all those extreme sportsmen and you know, of all the sportsmen, those motocross guys are the craziest in my opinion. i and i do have experience because my husband is a freelance cameraman for fuel and editor so i've had to listen to jordan say the same sentence over and

over all day long at times you're welcome uh sure i love it and uh yeah those the motocross guys don't seem to like if you're a i think a skateboarder you're kind of like i want to get out of the house because my parents are fighting so i'm gonna go skateboard in front of the civic center and then if you're a snowboarder it's like you got good at skateboarding or you have a lot of money so you can go skiing and then you snowboard or whatever and you just drink and spit stuff in people's faces but the motocross guys especially now like those things they do jumps off of and the stuff that they actually do, they're insane. They're not okay.

This is stupid. Yeah. It's gotten to the point where it's just like, oh, fuck you. Deathwish. Total deathwish. And they just are kind of living life like, yeah, when am I going to die? Is it now? Then I'm going to punch this guy in the face.

I was watching a television commercial. I usually steal my televisions from the internet. But I saw a television commercial when I was flying on JetBlue yesterday or the day before, and it featured a motorcycle trick guy whose deal was just because he lost both his legs didn't mean he wasn't going to do what he loved, which apparently was shit that will almost certainly lead to you losing your legs. Yeah.

You know, I wonder if this is something that I should be embarrassed about. Like, should I cultivate my fight response? I wonder. You know what? Here's the thing. Like, I'm thinking back to, like, the times when I got into situations where one could potentially get into a fight like like times, you know, those kind of times when it's like, you know, some dude that's like a year or two older than you comes up and it's like pocket check, bitch. You know, it's just something that someone says when they're jumping you. You did live in a tough neighborhood. Yeah, I did a little bit. I mean, it's just something that someone says when they're jumping you. You did live in a tough neighborhood.

Yeah, I did a little bit. I mean, I also went to private school, so that's why I grew up so effete. And conflicted. Yeah, but I never, not one time, have ever had the slightest flicker through my mind. Even as a guy who's 6'3", weighs 205 pounds, 210 pounds maybe.

I cannot... Two-inch fingernails. I've got two-inch fingernails. I've got sharpened elbows. Of course, I was one of the stars of Ong Bak, the Thai warrior. Oh, that was you? Yeah, that was me.

You didn't know that? Wasn't I amazing? Really? And those shots that were like all one shot, no editing? Yeah. Amazing. Thank you very much. You looked very Thai in that.

Very Thai. Yeah. It's a combination of makeup and CGI. The thing is, obviously Thai kickboxing or muay thai is uh traditionally a thai sport but since i'm the greatest in the world at it they wanted to use me i mean it's just head and i'm head and shoulders above the rest of the muay thai community right so they decided that rather than put a white guy as the star, because they thought that would be awkward, they would use a combination of makeup and CGI

to alter the appearance of my race so that I would be able to execute the stunts, the various kicks, flips, jumps. Elephant punches. You did take that elephant down that one time. It was amazing. Yeah, thank you. No, it was really, it felt good, too.

Because it sort of made me think, it made me think that I was the world's most powerful creature, I guess I would say. Sure. Like the most, the deadliest beast in. The deadliest catch. The deadliest catch. I was the deadliest catch. I have to say that Jordan's coughing is starting to sound like a commentary to me. You know like when people are doing a set or something and someone's coughing, filling in the space. In the background there's just a cough.

Stop saying that. Okay. I don't think I have ever... The idea of fighting someone rather than crying or running or some combination of the two has ever... If you want to develop your fight response, you're going to have to get punched a lot more. Yeah, I guess so. So that's really going to be a part of it if you didn't enjoy it that first time or that other time. I knew a guy named Paul when I was in high school. And Paul was a pretty ripped dude.

He was at my high school. I went to arts high school in San Francisco. At my high school, there were no sports teams. So people were allowed to go to a different school to be on a sports team. Did you go to that art high school? Yes. School of the Arts. I call it art high school.

Yeah. Well, that's what people in the know call it. Sure. And so only a few people would do this because obviously it was a huge hassle to like go to a whole other high school for practices for some sport with some people that you don't know because they go to a different high school and et cetera, et cetera. But Paul was really into wrestling and he was on the wrestling team at a different high school gay and super super ripped and he wanted to be a wrestler who also splits his time between wrestling and arts high school

you know okay you're just you're just trying to roll around with guys yeah um and he he boxed a one-man show about it paul boxed in the Golden Gloves. Even gayer. Amateur high school fighting or whatever. And what he told me one time, with absolute conviction, was the first one hurts, and then after that, it doesn't hurt.

He's wrong. And I don't think that's... Gay. Yeah, so that's such a gay attitude about boxing is that what a gay dude would say about boxing so does that apply to gay dudes are gay dudes just super good in fights because it only hurts the first punch

if you're gay well I am the gay dude spokesperson as an elected representative of the gay community which I am proud to be. And now I can't remember what the official statement is supposed to be on this, but I think, yeah, gay people love boxing and love being hit in the face. Right.

They love it. Gotcha. So Paul, as a gay, so I think the problem is that the two of us are straight. It sounds like. Oh, yeah. Right. Maybe that's it. This kind of proves it. Wait, so is this motocross guy coming on to me then

I think he wanted to kiss you really badly and he knew he couldn't they call that the deadliest kiss in motocross gay motocross I don't think I would have wanted to have sex with him but I would have made out with him a little bit

to maybe see his yacht and stuff. Yeah, he has his own yacht. I bet he goes on a lot of cool trips. So I would have just said, well, yeah, I'm a gay dude, but I'm saving myself for marriage. But I still want to go on a lot of trips with you. You would have lied? Because as the gay spokesman, I'm going to have to tell them that. Oh, no. I mean, it's not an option anymore. I think I probably blew it. But, I mean, yeah, I might have lied. Sure.

All right. He's trying to go to Barbados, which I think as a gay spokesman you can understand. I can. Absolutely. I just mean I have to report it. I just want you to know. Okay. That's fine.

Karen, let me ask you this question. But if any gay dudes want to take me to Carnival. You're going? Yeah. Yeah. Karen. That's understandable. Your marriage to a fella.

Sure. And I'm sure that in your time, you've seen different fellas that you thought were cool and sexy or fun and attractive. Sure. Is it of interest to you that a dude would do something other than cry and run away if someone punched him? Our friend Kevin Sesha and our other friend, I don't know if you know, Lisa Langang, we were up at Bumbershoot.

It was a big, all the kids were there to watch their music and watch their comedy and do their comedy. And we were in a bar that was packed and we were trying to get out. And this really drunk guy got in Lisa's face and apparently wanted to get booked at Largo, you know, back then. And he was really hammered and he got in her face and he called her something horrible. I was like, I can't remember what. Just listen. It's a mix of sketch, folk music. Listen. It can't be the same 10 people all the time.

Whatever he said, it was just really, really offensive. And it went her, me, Kevin. And as I watched this drunk guy, like, just, like, you know, try to lift his super drunk arm and point in her face and the whole thing Kevin came over both of our shoulders and punched the guy it was like he was doing it like a flying punch his hand came down across his face it was awesome it was one of the greatest things I've ever seen that's called the leopard's punch it was really uh it was sexy it was like powerful somebody was standing up for somebody else it was like because you don't see that i know i wouldn't

i was just standing there watching it happen i wasn't even saying like shut up i was just kind of witnessing and being one of those people and kevin was like all action and then we ran out the back door because the bouncers came after him and once we got to the street we were like laughing like it was just the greatest experience like you just set off some illegal fireworks kind of i mean i'm saying there can be an upside to to physical fighting for somebody that doesn't have to do it or receive it and that's you know that's a little it's a little disheartening because i i i you know if if i am in a situation with a lady and someone is hassling my lady, I would like to think I would do something. But at this point, I feel like my reaction would be we can stay with my mom for a few weeks. Like I would just, it's fine.

She has a guest room. Let's just leave. This guy seems like he might try and track us down. So, yeah, I would like. You're a realist. You're like a realist. Sure. And you want to deal with the problem.

A practical solution. Jordan, didn't you do like a number of years of karate? No, yeah. At some point in your life? I did do karate, I think from maybe sixth grade to ninth grade. So didn't you learn any cool punches? Yeah, use that. No, yeah.

I mean, everybody knows karate is no match for Muay Thai, Thai kickboxing. No, especially if you're the greatest in the world. Right. I didn't learn how to subdue an elephant with a single punch to the head. That was going to come in 10th grade. Yeah, yeah. Right. Exactly.

You quit too soon. He only made it to brown belt. I'm over this. I'm into drama club now. Bitch. In your face karate. Yeah. Yeah, no, I did do some karate. I think I retained some of it.

And actually really good for me growing up. I would definitely recommend karate to a kid. I, I was kind of a, yeah, I definitely, I was, I was definitely kind of a meek chubby growing up. And I think karate helped me be a, you know, slimmer, slightly more confident. Did you have to do a lot of, here's something that I was, I was thinking about when I was trying to think of how to exercise myself because I, I was like getting, I was getting husky. Exercise yourself. I was getting husky and I was thinking, you know, like I, I eat a reasonable diet, so I didn't want to change that that much. I was like, oh shit, that means I have to exercise.

diet so I didn't want to change that that much I was like oh shit that means I have to exercise and I hate exercising on like a you know I just can't bear a elliptical machine or like a running in a line I just so boring to me and so I thought I ended up in basketball class but for a while there I was considering taekwondo but I I was thinking I think I'm worried that if I did that I would just have to do a lot of push-ups. Yeah, that it would be, maybe the class would be 30% high kicks. And 70% push-ups. And I literally cannot do a push-up. Like, maybe I could do, like, if I was doing proper push-ups like your gym teacher would make you do,

I really and truly think I could do two or maybe three push-ups. And it's never been different for me. Like, I want to be clear here. It's not like I let myself go and got to this point. I've never been able to do more than that number of actual proper push-ups. So when you took down the elephant, it was with your legs? No, you used chi. Oh, oh.

It's tai chi. Just all energy. Tai chi. Haven't you ever heard of tai chi? I have. Ideally, you don't touch the elephant. Wow. Yeah, yeah use chi. Oh, oh. It's tai chi. Just all energy. Tai chi. Haven't you ever heard of tai chi? I have. Ideally, you don't touch the element. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You power him down with your energy and force. Yeah. It flows through various pathways in your body. It's a long story. It's too complicated for me to explain to, frankly, you. Oh. But at the end of the day, what you're looking at is a sort of force blast. Also, you could poke them in the eye with your boner.

So that's something. That'll get them. When they give you the second degree black belt, part of getting that black belt is you get a really amazing boner. Well, of course. They tie the belt around the boner. So you have a belt around your waist and then one around your... That's why the first degree

is around the waist. The second degree is around your boner. It cuts off the blood circulation. Yes. Exactly. But it leaves the chi circulation. Right. Best ever. We'll be back in just

a second.ordan jesse go it's jordan jesse going jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective the hellcat k. Karen Kogareff. Karen Kogareff. People have forgotten by now. Don't you like how I'm really enthusiastic about the fact that despite the fact that this is a podcast, not a radio program, we're good about doing

resets. Absolutely. We try and reset it. Yeah. Because people have spaced out. They don't want to listen carefully to this thing. In this day and age, this amount of time is way too long. I think we're also maybe kind of still clinging to the possibility that there might be a little commercial in there one day. Absolutely. Maybe.

So, okay, wait. I have something to say about in this day and age. This is something I had forgotten had happened and not planned to bring up on this show. But you saying that made me think of it. We went on tour. We did our shows in Philadelphia and New York City. Had a great time. After that, I went to Trenton, New Jersey, where two of my wife's closest college friends live.

And they just had a baby. And the baby is five weeks old. Beautiful baby. I mean, you know, babies is beautiful. You know, it's a lovely animal. I mean, you know, babies is beautiful. You know, it's a lovely animal. And so we were hanging out with the mom of the baby, my wife's friend, Rachel, who actually was on a very early episode of Jordan Jesse Go talking about sex in the city, you may recall.

Rachel Cantu? Yes, it's Rachel Cantu. Okay, good. We're Facebook friends. Okay, sorry. Cool. That's great, Karen. Isn't it?

Do you mind if I talk about me for a second and what happened to me? I'm also on Dennis Richmond's Facebook. Do you want to just go into some more Karen Kilgareff stuff? I love the sound of my own voice in these headphones. It does sound nice. Headphones. It sounds good. Stereo suits you. Thank you.

Jordan sounds good, too, today, too. I sound really good. He does. His voice is coming back. Jordan sounds good, too, today. I sound really good. He does. His voice is coming back. So we were hanging out with the mom, Rachel, because, you know, the dad, Sean, he was working.

And the baby doesn't know any good jokes. Yeah, the baby doesn't know any good jokes. The baby was with us. We're in Princeton, New Jersey. I don't know if you guys have ever been to Princeton, New Jersey. It's the home of Princeton University. It's a very tony small town in New Jersey. And we're sitting outside of...

It's not named Princeton because Prince lives there, right? Oh. Princetown? Purple Rain Avenue? Yeah. I'd go there if he was there. Okay. You guys done with this riff?

What? It's so great, though. Wait, you guys done with this riff? What? It's so great, though. Wait, you don't want to talk about Prince? God damn it. I was throwing you a softball there. That's true. That's a good point, Jordan. I take it back.

I should have talked about it. I should have made some weird Prince references. You should have. You were trying to set me up to make weird Prince references. I'm not setting you up anymore. We're done. Sorry, Jordan.

I'm just looking out for Jordan from now on. So we're sitting outside this ice cream parlor, right? And sort of like a little wooded area. We're sitting in sort of a picnic table outside this ice cream parlor. And Rachel is nursing the baby. The baby's five weeks old. Oh, the baby. Good.

It eats every two hours or what have you. And she's nursing the baby. And we're five weeks old. Oh, the baby. Good. It eats every two hours or what have you. She's nursing the baby and we're just chatting. With her boobs. With her boobs. One of her boobs. One at a time. Good, good. We're all just chatting. The baby's nursing. We're just having a great time here. We're in Princeton, New Jersey. It's a lovely town.

We look up at the ice cream parlor, which is raised up a little bit over our level. and we look up at the ice cream parlor, which is like a, it's like, it's raised up a little bit over our level, so it's maybe like, you know, their floor is three or four feet above our ground, and there's this big picture window,

and in the picture window are these three boys, and they're maybe like 11-ish, I want to say, 11-ish feels about right, maybe 10 but probably 11 were they sexting uh they were if they were they're 11 jordan my friend we're gonna get to that oh okay um yeah sorry and they are in the ice cream parlor basically openly staring at my friend Rachel breastfeeding. Oh. Like, openly, like, sort of, like, jockeying for position. Like, and, look, it's, you know, she's breastfeeding in public. She's not, she's, like, the least ashamed of things like that person on Earth.

So, and she, like, her job is she teaches special ed to, disturbed children who sometimes they wear diapers or something. Just any kind of crazy shit could go on at any time. And she loves these kids. And so just some kids staring at her breastfeeding does not faze her at all. Completely unfazed. And she thinks it's kind of funny. And so she sort of like turns to them and gives them like a, hey, I can see you wave. And we think, oh, that will embarrass them enough

that they'll stop staring at her breastfeeding. And we're talking a little bit and we realize they are not embarrassed at all. They are still absolutely openly staring. And one of them reaches in his pocket, pulls out a cell phone, like a flip-style phone, opens it up, and is pointing it at Rachel. And Teresa is sitting next to me and goes, okay, that's a little bit much. And she walks into the, she gets up and walks into the ice cream parlor. And I kind of follow behind her because I, you know, I just want to be, have her back, you know, and she goes up to the kids and I want to be able to grab her and take her to your mom's house if any shit goes down. Right.

Exactly. And, uh, she's got a guest bedroom. You can stay there for two or three weeks. I know. And, um, laying low. Yeah. And, um, uh, so we, we go into the ice cream parlor and these kids are sort of like up at the window. There's no parents around them.

There's no adults around them at all. They appear to be completely unsupervised. And Teresa goes up to them and says, you know, guys, my friend is breastfeeding. It's not really appropriate to take a picture. And they go, and she says it with that tone like my wife is literally the kindest person on earth like you really she's could not be more like sweet and conciliatory in any interaction she has in her life ever and um and they're like and then so we just go back outside and sit down. We're like, okay, it's fine.

The problem's solved, right? Like four minutes later, this middle-aged woman storms out of the ice cream parlor and says, is there a problem here? And I'm like, and I'm thinking like, I'm trying to figure, because she says it with that kind of aggressive tone. And so my initial reaction is to say, yes, thank you for asking. There was a problem. Those children were staring at my friend's boobs. But I'm realizing from her tone

that that's not the way she's, what she's asking. No. And she launches into this aggro monologue about how you shouldn't how we shouldn't have talked to them because they're told not to talk to strangers and we should have talked to the again the parents we had no idea who the parents of these children were they were not with these children or they might have noticed that they were taking pictures of my friend's boobs. She's giving us this story.

As a mother, she says, as a mother, you can understand that in the current context, it would be scary for the kids to, what the fuck is the current context? With the economy being like it is. Is it Princeton, New Jersey? The richest town in the world where the down market store is a J.Crew? Is the current context the economy? The best we could come up with was that she was referring to post-9-11.

Yeah. It's a really tough time for a lot of kids. A lot of terrorists are taking parenting into their own hands. They're going to hit us where we live. They're going to scold our kids. They're going to scold our kids. By scolding bratty children i could not believe that this lady was like these children and she goes she goes uh

they were sending a text and like okay if they were sending a text, if that is true, this is what the text was. Check out this picture I just took of a lady's boob. Exactly. Like, what? How could this possibly occur in this? As a mother, you understand. With this J.C. Dugard thing just breaking in the news. You can understand how people.

You have two giant cats. Yes. So I know the threat. The threat of people getting near them. Jordan, you've been punched by a motocross celebrity. You understand that children shouldn't be scolded. Children shouldn't be responsible to people other than their parents. No, and even the parents, not at all.

My favorite thing is those kind of parents who stand there and say their children's names over and over again, but never do anything. And the children absolutely know that that's the deal. So they do whatever they want. And I was in a coffee place with this woman up near Mammoth. She had like a three-year-old and a five-year-old. She must have said their names 25 times. Now, I'm waiting in line behind her. I just need some coffee.

And she's like, Anna, Anna, Anna, what do you want? They don't have cinnamon rolls. Anna, Anna. And Mary Lee, don't do that. Just like slight modulations in her voice. Exactly. But she's not moving. She's only like five feet away from them.

And we were, Pete and I were talking about it. I was listening to like a Steve Reich piece, like like a minimalist like a different trains or something like that Anna Anna Anna Anna yes Anna Anna it might have been Laurie Anderson that I was in this coffee place with I don't know sure but I was telling you where did she have like a weird uh did she have a weird electronic musical instrument strapped to her head she She had a keyboard on her head. That's okay. My bad. So it was, Laurie. That was my bad.

That was an amazing piece then. That was a really powerful solo work. It drew a lot out of me. Was there any Thai kickboxing? I tried to kick the child in the head. Okay. But I just realized that my, I never, no one ever said my name when I was little. You got an arm grab or an eye look,

but no one would ever talk to you across a business. That would be like, I don't know, it's so odd. Karen, you can understand in the current context, what with the war in Afghanistan. Patrick Swayze just died. Patrick Swayze died just a couple of weeks ago. The only movie we have at our house is Point Break. How am I supposed to explain to them?

That they shouldn't stare at a woman's boobs who's breastfeeding and then take pictures of them with a camera phone. Yeah, it's not on them. It's not their fault. I learned an important lesson, though. And that is, these kids are going to grow up to be real assholes oh my well first of all they're in Princeton so that's where they're growing up

that's not the greatest start I found remarkable comfort in picturing that like now they're children and you know their mom's protecting them or whatever and one day they'll just be guys wearing two polo shirts at once.

Right. Getting arrested for date rape. Yeah. With their mom going, please, in the context. In the current context, you can understand. It's been very difficult for them to have sex without doping up. Just listen. They have a lot of great ideas for websites.

Okay. We'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart i'm jordan morris boy detective i'm karen kilgariff the hellcat um i i apologize for the lack of calls on recent jordan jesse goes we've been having trouble with it. Some combination. There's somewhere between the CD burner and the CD player that isn't working. I can't figure out what the fuck it is. We're like playing regular CDs play fine on the CD player.

CDs we burn play fine on my other CD players. I don't know what's going on. So my apologies for the lack of calls on recent shows. However, there is something important that happened to me recently. I watch a television program. I know you guys know that I love to watch television programs. I love to be entertained. I love to laugh. Some of my favorite television programs, The 30 Rock Show, Office, Trailer Park Boys.

These are shows that I love to watch and I just get a heck of a kick out of them you know what I mean sure I just really enjoy it it's enjoyable I can relate to the characters

sounds like you've got a pretty special relationship to television I do you might say I was raised by TV it wouldn't be true though if you said that

it wouldn't be true yeah but I love to watch a good funny television show. And so I read in the New York Times, I was riding on an airplane and reading the New York Times, and there was a review of the hit new television program for the ABC network called Modern Family in the New York Times. This review could not have been more ecstatic about this program. This review was shitting its pants over this show.

I have seen an occasional billboard, but I do not know what goes on on this show. Okay, so this is a show where there are three couples, three families, if you will. One of them is Ed O'Neill. I was just thinking about how I haven't seen Ed O'Neill in anything in a long time. He's back. Ed O'Neill. In a big way? Oh, yeah. And fiery Latina, Sofia Vergara. Who you may remember is the lady in that Let's Rob Mick Jagger show with Donald Logue. Oh, yeah. From a while back?

She's a very beautiful woman. Extremely beautiful woman. Another show people were ecstatic about. And then totally disappeared. And so that's one of the couples. And they're sort of a, what do you call that? Like a May-September type situation. He's 60-ish. May-December. May-December is not... Well, he's not in December. That'd be if he was only 15 years older than that. He's not going to die right now.

Right, he's not. They don't like some of the same bands. Right. But they're both really into the Beatles. That's May-September. They're one of the couples, and they have a son who's in the show is Sofia Verjar's son.

There's another couple that is... It's pronounced vagina. Sofia vagina. Sofia vagina. There's a dad who, like, wants to be cool and a mom who's kind of uptight and worried, and they have two kids. They're sort of like the most traditional part of the family. then there's uh two uh gay dudes who just adopted a baby now um again could not have been more ecstatic review in the new york times and i believe the los angeles times pull quote was modern family may have single-handedly saved the family sitcom wow uh that's from my memory i fucking

hated this show i hated it and i feel like i'm mental for having hated it i can't just i can't figure out what's going on it was a huge hit um america apparently loves it it this show made me want to punch it in the face america loves According to Jim. That's true. So that's just a... But America's television critics, at least, don't love that, right? Who knows? You know what a television critic is? You know what a television critic is?

It's a fucking guy who's too dumb to be the movie critic. Like, I have nothing against television as a medium. I really started thinking about this when this happened because I felt like i had really been duped and i really think what's going on is sure like television it can be a wonderful medium and i think we're living in a golden age of television where there are lots of amazing television shows i mean i get so excited to watch 30 rock that I am like almost like I can barely sit still um which for me Jordan I should explain is like an unusual thing um cool dance moves um I like I I get so excited

to watch 30 Rock every week I'm just like practically an 11 year old taking a picture of a boob maybe maybe they meant like this is for those people who don't get excited about 30 Rock. Like this is like the family sitcom, which equals boring. I'm going to break down the elements of this television program. Break it down. Okay. There's these two gay gentlemen. They didn't really do anything funny, but they weren't horribly unpleasant.

They were just gay. They were some gay dudes. And you know what? I'm just punching each other in the face. That's right. I'm seriously like, I do agree with the premise that it's great to have some gay guys on TV

who are actually gay. It's not like they're just completely neutered and have no gay cultural associations or anything at all. But they're also not a straight lady's roommate or sort of like a prancing ninny that happens to work in their office. The wacky waiter, yeah. And so that's great. And the gay dudes, again, they're a third of the program. While I didn't really find very much of it funny,

I found it completely inoffensive. It just went by. And so that part, we'll just leave that part aside. That's a third that I didn't hate. The other two thirds, though. Oh, God. Oh, Christ Almighty. Jiminy Christmas. So let's start with, I'm going to start with the most quote unquote normal of the families, which is the dad and the mom, uh, who are, you know, roughly the same age and, and they're, you know, connected that way. Um, the joke here is that the dad thinks he's cool. And the tone of this show is a sort of a verite faux documentary premise like The Office. Shot with a single camera. But the jokes could not be more, according to Jim. And the clash between those two qualities.

It's like someone didn't understand that if your tone is that this is realistic, if your tone is that this is realistic you can't just have the dad be like like the the the teenage daughter's boyfriend come up comes over and he's like hey yo what up g like you can't do that you need a studio this is 2009 this is 2009 that's not a joke anymore that's just bullshit yeah that's not a joke anymore. That's just bullshit. Even Robin Williams is embarrassed to do that joke at this point. That's where we're at right now. There's a joke where... Robin Williams has moved on to Viagra. You know what that stuff does. There's a joke that the dad does.

What does it do to gay guys? There's a joke that the dad does where he misunderstands the acronyms in text messages. And he thinks that WTF, he's like, he literally says this. I am so flummoxed by the extent to which on television, a character will just say the thing that they want you to know about. Like, they're so untrusting of you that you could ever understand anything that they will just literally have the character just say it.

Just straight up fucking say it. And he goes, he goes, I'm the cool dad. That's my thang. And you're like, really? That's fucking... What? You can't show and not tell that.

You can't think of a way to... Besides just having him say it. Listen, they had to turn that script in really fast. They just had to turn it around. That was supposed to be a placeholder. Exactly. And they forgot to check it.. That was supposed to be a placeholder. Exactly. And they forgot to check it.

The people who wrote this script, one of the guys wrote on Larry Sanders, possibly my favorite television program of all time. One of them,

they both wrote on Frasier, which is a perfectly enjoyable television program. You know, it's not my favorite thing in the world,

but it's a good show. Niles, Daphne, the dog. The dog. Yeah, I know. These were all elements of Frasier. I mean, you know, it's, and I couldn't believe that that was going on. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that it was on a television show, and not just a television show, but

the guy who, it's, the review in the New York Times said it was a spectacular performance. Described it as a spectacular performance and like a biting evisceration of today's over-permissive parenting culture. I'm like, really? This isn't just a plot from, you know, from a fucking sitcom in 1992. This is the premise of the show. Do you think it's just that, well, I was going to say, do you think it's because TV is so bleak, people are just groping for something?

But maybe it's not. I mean, maybe TV is exceptionally good. No, I think it's because the bar is really high with a couple shows that everybody knows how it can be. And when those things come in that are imitations of, like the Verite thing where, because I actually auditioned for that show, which is very embarrassing and I was horrible. And I just knew because I was supposed to be the uptight mom. And I knew that there was no way in the world that I was ever going to get this part.

That's how I go in. There wasn't even a single line about Dennis Richmond. None of my interests were reflected in the script, so I couldn't relate. Did you say that to them? Did you look them in the eye and say, hey, listen? I walked in, I said, you know what? I'm not right for this.

And you had your dick out, too. Yeah, yeah. I got in their face. But my point was, what was my point? Um, my point was, uh, what was my point? There's, there is this, there is this thing where they, there are, it seems that there are people in the world and it seems like it might even be the majority of the people that think. I remember my point.

Yeah. My point is that the Veritate thing was just laid over the top because in the script when i read it i never it never said anything about that on paper and i actually had to ask the guy when i went in like i'm sorry am i supposed to be talking to camera or to the other person because it would switch it would go back and forth it was really confusing and i think it's almost like let's use this element of this really popular show that people seem to love. And then people will love our show, too. I'm going to address the other couple, which is Ed O'Neill and Sofia Vergara. Vagina.

Sofia Vagina. Ed O'Neill. I think Ed O'Neill's great. I just think he's fantastic. I really have nothing bad to say about Ed O'Neill as a performer. I would need to rewatch it, but I have fond memories of dutch yeah i think i think ed o'neill is like but uh for some reason i i would i think oh yeah dutch that was a good time i think he's a i think he's a good actor and i also think he's very funny like i think i think both of those and so i have i have not an ill

word to say about ed o'neill And his character, despite the fact that there was a mall-walking joke in which his character was confused for a mall-walker because he didn't want to, because he was wearing a track suit, and then he got embarrassed and went in and bought a bunch of sort of like Von Dutch-style clothes, which he

wore in the grand finale of the show as a joke. That was one of the jokes on the show. I just have to, I feel like I should let you know when it's a joke that was one of the jokes on the show i just have to feel like i should let you know when it's a joke that's a good idea and not just a sad parody of something um so but at o'neill overall i'd put him with the gay dudes in the relatively inoffensive and not horrible his wifeagina, as she is known. Now, I know someone who knows someone who worked on the television program with Donald Logue, which she was on. She was horrible on that show.

Horrible. And I learned now that it was one of those situations uh that was sort of like uh i remember you describing to me jordan when you worked on the show south beach which is where um this is a sexy show about the sexy world of modeling on the aforementioned upn or when there would be sexy sexy guest stars on uh that jamie kennedy in the house sure um What was that show called? Living with Fran. Living with Fran. Jordan worked on a show called Living with Fran, starring Fran Drescher, executive producer of Jamie Kennedy.

This was my first television show. I feel like an exchange student. I haven't heard of any of these shows. Okay, so there's this thing where sometimes a sexy co-star will literally not know how to say a joke, like won't just be like not good at it but like will emphasize the wrong words or and from what i understand on that uh on that let's rob mcjagger show um she literally like she didn't she lacked the command of the english language to even have

it explained to her what was it what part was the joke and what wasn't the joke. So she just memorized it. She was like Gerard Depardieu in My Stepfather the Hero. Or ABBA, where they're just memorizing sounds. Just memorizing sounds. Or Ed O'Neill in Dutch. Again. And there was a point that our friend Lonely Sandwich, Adam Lissagor, pointed out to me at lunch the other day where they're riding in the car.

I think Ed O'Neill's driving. Sophia Vagina is sitting in the passenger seat and their son is in the back seat. And Ed O'Neill stops the car. She says, where are you going? And then the son starts to go out of the car. Oh. In the wrong order. Almost like a continuity problem,

except for it was actually happening with the actors. And here's the joke of this character. I'll just summarize it real quick for you. She's a Latina who's overly emotional, too passionate. She and her Latin son are too fiery of Latins. And in the New York Times article, it described this character as a pitch-perfect send-up. This is from memory, but I believe it's accurate.

A pitch-perfect send-up of the fiery Latin mama stereotype. And if there was an element of this performance that was send-up, then I'm an idiot and my hat's off to Miss Vagina. But if you're Verite, if you're doing Verite, then you can't be doing send-ups. You're supposed to be, it should be the very real life version of what, you know, the wise Latina or whatever Latinas are actually all like, quote unquote. Oh my God. It seriously, it made me want to reach into my own mouth, up back through my throat, grab my brain and pull it out through my mouth and throw it on the floor and stomp on it.

I think this is also the effect, and I don't want to get on my feminist soapbox here because I know people will be clicking off, but that's the effect of them needing to cast hot women instead of funny women. And it happens on every show. And I have one of my favorite audition memories. It was when all these girls were there to audition to play the sister. And we were talking to our sister in this sitcom, this was years ago, about they were going to go down to a strip club to see the Anaconda Man. And I was sitting there waiting.

We're waiting for like 20 minutes. And it's me and this girl who clearly is a model or, you know, she's there bringing it beauty style, where I like to bring the comedy. You're a beautiful woman. Play the beauty down. Well, thank you. But, I mean, it's, you know, two different schools. This model would be unlikely to be wearing a NicoCase t-shirt. Who knows?

But, yeah, it didn't seem like it. Because she came up to me as we were waiting, pointed to the word anaconda, and said, What does anaconda mean? I swear to god and i just got this like really awful dropping feeling inside we're we want the same job we want the same things in life i don't know something's wrong here with me with this is my problem and i think that's we've got the you know we've got the anachronism man girls on tv now because that's what that's what they want yeah that's what someone wants sure yeah no it's there's yeah there's definitely a a right yeah it seems like the look comes first and then whether

or not they can say it why does jenna elfman have another show i mean that i watched that last night because i couldn't fall asleep accidentally on purpose. Speaking of auditions, this is actually kind of this has been my first year as a guy who goes to auditions for things, and this is my first TV season seeing things on the air that I didn't get, one of them

accidentally on purpose. What was the part? One of those friends? Yeah, yeah. Actually, he was trying out for Jenna. He tried out for Jenna Elfman's part and he said he wasn't beautiful enough, believe it or not. Isn't that tough? Yeah, I hit all the beats.

It's tough. I put two balloons under my shirt so it looked like I was a lady. That should have worked. You should get your eyebrows waxed. You should shave too. Shave your face. And your vagina.

I should shave my vagina. The premise of this show is Knocked Up up the TV show it's an older well I guess not as specific thank god America's entertainment industry is finally addressing the cougar craze so yes older woman gets impregnated

by a younger schlubby guy and I think as part of the show his schlubby friends have to crash with them. And I was auditioning to be one of the schlubby friends. I believe on the billboard, this character is hanging upside down on a couch with an Xbox controller. So yes, I auditioned for that. Did not get it. They're total slackers. And I have to say, it's kind of the same.

I'm not saying it's only women because none of those dudes or the who would be the Seth Rogen character, nobody was schlubby of all those guys. And the lead guy was a total, I mean, he was there saying comedy, but there was no, you know what I mean? You just, you know, the difference between someone that's funny, that's doing funny stuff. Like the main guy in How I Met Your Mother. Yeah. Watch How I Met Your Mother. I mean, the guy seems like a main guy and how i met your mother yeah watch how

i met your mother i mean the guy seems like a decent fella and everything and god bless him yeah and it's not a bad show at all um yeah like he's on that with some there's like yeah there's really funny people on that show and you're just like oh you feel bad for him because you're like he's a perfectly competent actor and everything and you know he's a handsome relatable he's a perfectly competent actor and everything. And, you know, he's a handsome, relatable, he's a relatable kind of handsome, I guess. He's a straight man. Yeah. Is what he is. But it's amazing the extent to which the entertainment industry has just abandoned the idea that a straight man could contribute anything.

Like that a straight man could, like, you know, like, for example, like. Cute t-shirts. Yeah. He has a lot of cute t-shirts. Like Jenna Fisher on The Office. She's very much playing a straight... All her stuff is reaction. But Jenna Fisher is very funny. Yeah.

And it's entirely possible to be the straight man and be funny. The straight man is the one who sells the joke. And so if you don't have... If your straight man doesn't actually have any funniness in them, then it ruins the whole fucking thing. And all the, you know,

all the high energy, high creativity, Doogie Howzering around that Neil Patrick Harris can muster, it just falls flat. Don't forget the Alice in Hannigan-itis.

That everyone's got. The country's got a case of? Well, also, the straight man does the work of laying out the floor, so then your Neil Patrick Harris can be up at the ceiling type of thing. When on shows like that, it seems everybody's supposed to be hilarious and, of course, speaking in ways that no one has ever spoken through all of time. I'm going to cut back for a second to modern family children talking like grown-ups can this just be done can this be over it will never be over this is supposed to be a like it's one thing when it's a fucking three camera sitcom and it's like a show like it's a stagey um sort of ritualized format where part of the premise is that everybody

makes jokes it's like a vessel for jokes and that i i'm like maybe i'm a little bored of that or whatever but it doesn't upset me but in the context of like a faux documentary children making jokes and talking like grown-ups makes me want to punch my television in. Yeah. It's not what's enjoyable about children. There was there was a good joke in Modern Family. I don't want to say it was all bad because there was one good joke, which was at the end, the two gay dudes present their child. And one of them is a little bit is a little bit more dramatic.

them is a little bit more dramatic. And he plays the soundtrack from The Lion King and brings it in sort of like Simba in The Lion King. And his partner is embarrassed by this and says, would you please turn that off? And the other one goes, I can't, this is who I am. And then the other one goes, no, the music. And that was a great joke. It was well executed by those two guys, but God, did the rest of it make me want to punch it in the face. Yeah, my sister loved that part. She called me to tell me about that part.

It was funny. It was genuinely funny, but oh, God. And maybe, you know, who knows, maybe it's just the pilot got worked over a million times by executives who wanted them to explicitly say every single thing in the thing. And maybe in later episodes, Sofia Vergara's character will be less racist. But for right now, I cannot believe that that's the gold standard of American family comedy. Well, and do you think you'd be this upset if you read that, if you didn't read that review and you didn't have any expectations and you kind of just like stumbled upon it? I would have.

I probably would have turned it off after about 10 minutes. Yeah. Maybe that's a bitterness. Instead of watching it through to the end. You hung in there because you were. Oh, God. I want to know what Accidentally on Purpose was like. I haven't watched the show, but yeah, I'm super curious.

Thank you for asking. It was exactly like every single sitcom you've ever seen to a T. Oh, good. Okay. There's a girl that I love that's a Scottish girl, and she was on Extras with Ricky Gervais, and she's the best friend on this, and she's hilarious. She's doing that thing where she kind of says the lines differently, and she you know has good timing and stuff no she's she'd still have her access she's still oh yeah full-on Scottish so that's great to listen that's hilarious to listen to but

um everything it's funny how they talk different this is crazy they don't even know how to talk normal yeah those foreign weird talkers I love it you mean it's hilarious um Like Colin Farrell. I'm Colin Farrell. You know who I'm talking about. I'm Gerard Butler. Sorry. No, it was just so high. You didn't know we do impressions? No, I thought Gerard Butler was here, and I got scared, and I wanted to put on lipstick. Yeah, because I was like, he's here.

I have to get ready. You were pointing to your stomach, and I thought you said you do the Gerard Butler voice in your stomach. And I was saying, no, you do it in your head voice. Yeah. You had to bring it up to your head voice. You were saying you actually thought that the man had walked into the room. He's here. Okay.

Man, what were we talking about? Oh, accidentally on purpose. The gal from Extras is funny. She's funny. Everything else is exactly what you think. So it was that as I watched it, I felt like I knew what they were about to say or do. And I think everybody has that now because everyone's been watching TV for so long

that it's like there's no three-camera sitcom right now that's going to like blow the doors off that formula. I was just happy to say, I mean, I don't want this to all be negative. I was happy that finally a funny woman got some recognition when kristin chenoweth won the emmy for best actress in a comedy series yeah the whole who could be funnier than broadway singer kristin chenoweth oh god did you guys see when when the guy from Three and a Half Men won the best supporting comedy actor thing? They could have given it to...

Number one, Doogie Howser's fantastic on that program that he's on. Number two, Tracy Morgan was nominated. Probably the funniest person of all time. Second funniest after David Letterman. Number three, Jack McBrayer's nominated for this award. They give it to John Cryer. Not only is this fucker on a terrible show, it's not that terrible,

but I mean, a show that I have no interest in, and not only is he not that great, although probably a decent person and everything, he went to the Emmys in a fucking cardigan. Give me a fucking break. You're nominated for the highest award at a black tie event, and you're in a fucking striped cardigan give me a fucking break you're nominated for the highest award and an even at a black tie

event and you're in a fucking striped cardigan give me a break crier kicking the balls for you but he had a jacket over it so it looked like he could have taken it off and solved that whole problem and looked normal but it was like he had a striped 70s librarian cardigan under his nice suit it was such an odd choice. Look, it's one thing... He's just trying to, like, he's just trying to, like, kick that straight-laced image

he has from Two and a Half Men. I'm cookie. Stripes make you cookie. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. When I go to the Emmys, when I'm nominated for my Emmy... Sure.

Best Foley. It'll be the Creative Arts Emmys. Yeah. I'll finally... It'll be at the arts Emmys. Yeah. I'll finally... It'll be at the LAX Airport Hilton. I'll finally... And they will be presented by Odette Yustman. I'll finally give the...

And Brian Boitana. Yeah, Brian Boitana. I'll finally give the uptight... They have fun banter, don't they? The uptight overdressed entertainment industry the shakedown it needs by wearing a suit instead of a tuxedo like finally someone's standing up to the man those was it maybe like overdressed entertainment industry

people maybe his cardigan was like an age ribbon maybe it was a it was a awareness cardigan it symbolized it symbolized uh awareness of uh like cryer of john cryer i was gonna be aware of me chronic chronic torso coldness okay well we're we're we're running our mouths for too long but we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Radio Sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Karen Kilgareff, and I've said the word sure 42 times. Nice. That's a good, that's like an Easter egg at the end of the show. People are going to go back with their little umpire clicker. Right.

You know, and they're going to click them out. And they're going to realize that that's an inaccurate number. They're going to click it out. Clickity, clickity, clickity, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. We had fun on today's show. What a pleasure to have the great Karen Kilgareff here. Yeah, right? Absolutely.

It was a really good time, you guys. I appreciate you having me. Just an amazing lady, a great stand-up comedian. She used to sing this song about Lizard Man that was very funny. Just all kinds of wonderful feelings inside me to have a wonderful, talented performer like Karen Kilgareff here with us. Yes, absolutely. And somebody I used to get coffee for. I now get to sit down and chat with.

Seriously. Now we're on the level playing field. Yeah, yeah. Well, we're a little above you. Well, yeah, exactly. In this context. But I see that as being level. We can shut you down.

Because this is Hollywood. Yeah, yeah. Yes. It was a lot of fun. I'm sorry we didn't take calls. We're going to try and fix whatever's going on here 206-984-4FUN if you have a momentous occasion happen to you

is there anything else we need to say we're just going to get right out of here watch Modern Family it's on ABC Wednesdays at 9 once a week on ABC oh I want to say something Jordan Jordan remember when we sold those Jordan Jesse Goh t-shirts?

Yes. Remember when I sold Sound of Young America t-shirts like five years ago? Yes. People are always telling me, Jesse, how do I get Sound of Young America stuff? How do I get cool Sound of Young America stuff? How do I get cool Jordan Jesse Goh stuff? How do I get cool Casper Hauser stuff?

How do I get cool stuff in general? Well, in about two weeks, you're going to find out. In about two weeks, you're going to find out. Just Google 2012. Google 2012. No, but seriously.

Just call the Cougar Town Realty Hotline and go to ilostmyslurpee.com. Save your number one. Did you know that I'm in that viral marketing campaign? For ilostmyslurpee.com? No. Yeah, Maria Bamford's in it, too.

Are you in it with the Bamford? We're not in a scene together. We have separate viral videos. Isn't Maria Bamford just one of the coolest ladies around? Yes. God, when you see Maria bamford perform a stand-up comedy do you think shit i wish i could do that yeah definitely right every time the bammer a home run every time oh yeah magic it's like watching magic unfold before you also kevin mcdonald is in it. Anyway, from Kids in the Hall. I was thinking Mike McDonald. So what I'm trying to tell you out there is start saving your money now, number one.

Collect as many Slurpee points as you can. Collect your Slurpee points and mycokereward.com points. We'll be back next week on Jordan, Jesse, go.