Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 112: Bananacakes

Episode Date: October 3, 2009

Seth and Jonathan from Uhh, Yeah Dude join Jesse and Jordan to talk about smartphones and dumb everything else.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, brandy, maggoty, netty, twiddle, Jesse, go.

You can kick your life from a seven to a ten. An A++. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I am Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, delightful guests with us today, Jordan. Delightful guests.

Delightful guests. To Puppet. Kind of how you were saying that. It kind of seemed like from the tone of your voice, that's what you were leading up to. Did you see on the Tonight Show the puppies dressed up like kitties? Yeah, what about us? What are we talking about?

Oh, sorry. What about puppies? Yeah, are we us? What are we talking about? Oh, sorry. What about puppies? Yeah, are we talking? What about us? Whoa, whoa! Hey, gentlemen. Here's what we do at the top of the show. Here's what we do at the top of the show.

I know you guys aren't really sympathetic. I know, I know. We take a while to talk about things we've seen on TV and the internet, and the guests are quiet. The guests have to cool out. Let me just let me to point to me. For how long? It takes about an hour and a half.

So we'll talk for about an hour and a half. That's 90 minutes if you calculate it in minutes. At the end, we introduce you, you say your piece, then we cut, and we're out of there. Alright. Okay. Alright. So Jesse's gonna talk about these puppies dressed as kitties. I'm gonna talk about... This is about,

you know what this is about for me? This is about priorities. What's more important? Some solipsistic bullshit about yourself and your own perspective or probably the most adorable thing that's ever appeared on a television set, which is a puppy dressed as a kitten.

Okay? That's what, for me, that's what this is about. Also, I have opinions on which movie was the best you guys watch snl let me just get this straight you guys actually watch saturday night live the tonight show oh it's the tonight show it's the tonight show you actually watch so wait hold on let me get this straight what's the tonight show with us uh on today a very a very special pair of guests from the podcast.

Uh, yeah, dude. Jonathan Larroquette and Seth, what's your last name? Romatelli. Romatelli. I was going to write that down on a piece of paper. I remembered this morning that I would probably forget Seth's last name, and I should write it down, but then I didn't do that. It's not used very often.

It's kind of a one-name. It's an underused last name as far as last names go. Government documents, certainly. I could see that if I was like a basketball coach and you were slacking off, it'd be a good last name to yell at you. Roma Telly, get in there! I think it's got too many syllables. I think you drop it to Roma.

Roma! Hit the showers! What if I go as Roma Telly? That's good. First name Roma. I like that. Roma Telly, I need you banging around downtown! You're going to marry a woman named Roma Telly.

Her name's going to be Roma... Her name's Roma Downey. Roma Telly. I can't believe... She'll take Telly as... She'll hyphenate it. Roma Telly. Roma Telly.

Roma Telly. Seth Roma Telly married Roma Downey. Yeah. She's Telly, Roma Telly. Seth Roma Telly married Roma Downey. She's Roma Downey Roma Telly. Hi. It's great to have you guys. Nice of you guys to be here. We've been trying to get here for a long time. It's a pleasure to have you.

You guys were more than... You guys were so supportive about... We don't know you from Adam. We just email you out of the blue because we know. Our listeners are always telling us, you know what's a great podcast? You say, yeah, dude, it's a great podcast. We email you out of the blue.

We attach a JPEG of us having a P-sword fight. Yeah, but it was like 300 KB. It was bullshit. It was like I had to zoom in on it. By the time it was beat-offable, the pixelation was all. It was too pixelated. It was more like a 3D. It became like a 3D poster.

I guess that's where we're different, because for me, I can't get a boner unless it's pixelated. I'm married, and I have one of those sort of pixelating lenses like they use on hard copy. And I have to put that monocular style on my eye

in order to achieve orgasm with my wife. They have goggles for that, though. I think they have the... Oh, really? Yeah, they're like the ones that, like... This is a much more simple solution. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

They're like the ones Kareem Abdul-Jabbar used to wear, like the athletic goggles, but the fronts of them are just all, like... James Worthy situation. They're like diamonds. Do you mean Luol Sindor? I meant Luol Sindor. Can you drive with this apparatus on?

Yeah, but it's like driving in a fractal, I think. It's like you're driving like a thousand times. Everything is turning in on itself. That's the thing. I mean, when you put on these things, you're sort of like... It's amazing. I mean, it's a beautiful expression of you can only do it if a butterfly flaps its wings in China. Yeah, for sure.

Then you can drive no doubt this thing it's great to have uh seth and jonathan here from the popular podcast oh yeah dude um i i was thinking about something jordan yesterday sure yesterday i was sitting in my chair and i was feeling a little bit down a little bit slow so i did what i think everybody should do when they're feeling down or slow in my mind using the power of my mind i whipped out a power jam uh that was you dropped the bomb on me by the gap band okay um wait so you just started thinking of a song i whipped out a power jam in my mind okay gotcha i used my mind to whip out a power jam so i was was sitting here, and you can feel the, like, for example, right now,

nobody say anything for a minute. That's oppressive, and it's certainly not powerful. Right. All right. Okay. Continue. That's silence.

That was what was going on inside my head. That was what was weighing me down. And then once you use the power of your brain to conjure up this power jam. Bwomp, bwomp, bwomp, bwomp, bwomp. You dropped a bomb on me. And then once you use the power of your brain to conjure up this power. You dropped a bomb on me. Right. So, wait, wait.

Okay, then did something, Jesse, then did something happen, or is this just a story about you thinking about a song? So I'm saying this is something that I – this is a technique I've developed. Jordan, this is like an open source – I don't know if you can claim developing the technique of singing a song in your head. Remembering a song you like when you feel sad. Number one, Jonathan, it's not just singing a song in your head. It's whipping out a power jam using your mind.

So another example, something that came up when we were waiting for Jonathan to come by. I was on the toilet and I started humming Detroit Rock City. No, Jordan. Jordan, that's why I like to talk about that. You don't understand what a power jam is. I'll give you another example. Ignition remix. Saying Detroit Rock City isn't a power jam?

R. Kelly, 2003. It's the remix to Ignition. It's fresh and hot out the kitchen. What are you talking about? Is this a segment about you thinking of songs? It's about songs. At least I was taking a dump when I was humming Detroit Rock City. Jordan, I'm kicking you off the show and I'm bringing in Jonathan because he gets

what's going on here. Then it's just us talking about dope tunes. Jonathan's a musician. He has music in his soul. He's in the band Jumper. The Jumpers. The Jumper.

Based on the Hayden Christian. He's in a band with Hayden Christian. Rachel Bilson. We do interdimensional shifting whilst playing instruments. Which is good, but it's bad for the people. In one dimension, you only have half the instrumentation at any given time. It's like those Motown records when they're sort of panned and mono. How many of the members are the same as your Starship Troopers 2 band?

Oh, there's only two in both bands. It's the same people. Oh, gotcha. So this is like when Green Day became Foxborough Hot Tubs. Just different monikers. Okay, look. So here's what I'm recommending to people. If you feel down or blue

or you just feel like you don't have enough power in any given situation, that's the time to whip out a power jam. So what did you, okay, not that I want you to talk about this more, but when you're sitting in the chair, you're feeling like you're not living up to your potential. You're feeling 70%, 60%. Seven out of ten, yeah. You're feeling seven out of ten.

Fuck, if I was seven out of ten fuck if i was seven out of ten i would be like that would be like the best thing ever seven out of ten would be awesome what are you firing what are you typically three to four jonathan that's because you've never felt 10 out of 10 oh i felt 10 out of 10 if you if you kick a power jam into full effect i'm talking about and look it doesn't have to be you sure everybody knows that the best power jam is probably you dropped the bomb on me by the gap band second best ignition remix what about feeling feel like making love can he replace the power jam with smoking dmt yeah maybe save everybody. Wait, I think combining them would be probably maybe more effective and more sort of something that everyone could do. I'm pretty sure DMT is a drug that you made up, number one.

So wait, if thinking about a power jam is 10 out of 10, where does fucking your wife in a 3D dreamscape lie? Is that 9 out of 10, or is that also 10 out of 10? Well, that's living 10 out of 10, but if you want to get there, you're going to need a power jam to power up. Okay, so this is all part of the same process. Right. I mean, that is one of the many things that can happen at 10 out of 10. You see what I'm saying? Gotcha, but it could just as easily be, like, crashing your car on purpose.

Yeah, absolutely. There's airbags now. It's safe. No, it's pretty safe. i'm saying gotcha but it could just as easily be like crashing your car on purpose yeah absolutely yeah there's airbags now it's safe no it's pretty safe ralph nader made it safe um seatbelts yeah ralph nader lives every day of his life at 10 out of 10 he wrote a novel that's a parable for a new world in which corporations are more generous because he was living 10 out of 10 inside ralph's elderly syrian is he syrian i want to say he's syrian mind his elderly syrian mind he kicked out a power jam and all of a sudden, boom, he's got a whole fucking novel

written. Have you ever written a novel, Jonathan? Look at me in the eyes. Have you ever written a novel? I've never written a novel. Seth, have you ever written a novel before? I've never read a novel. Seth has never even read a novel. Jordan, have you ever written a novel? Gravity's Rainbow. You did write Gravity's Rainbow. That's a good point. And that is an example of

basically a power jam in novel form. Yeah. No. I'll give you another power jam you can kick out. Let's not. Andrew WK, you will remember tonight. I don't know if anybody actually remembers that song except for you. I don't know if anyone could conjure up any part of that song.

That's a power jam. I'm saying that what you need is to build a power jam into your own life that you can flip out. I think I'm a living power jam. Yeah. I think that's sort of where I, like... You just told us... Look, I'm going to call bullshit on that because you just told us that you think it would be unbelievable to live at 7 out of 10. I'm talking about 10 out of 10 i'm talking about 10 out of 10 i think i mean that in respect to the fact that when when someone is a living power jam i think living within a world that is so not power jammy can be

such a sap you know when when you think about the idea that like all things that there's you know maybe four people holding the entire planet together that are actually like keeping everything like right northeast south and west and so then everyone else is just they're not people they're turtles but besides that you're correct yeah myself included but as a turtle you can live you can live a power jam but but but when you're just surrounded around i say they're surrounded around turtles i meant it's the turtles. The band The Turtles. Happy together.

Gotcha. Man, there's some obscure reference. We had The Turtles. We had Andrew W.K. We had... I mean, that's... Andrew sat in the very chair that you're sitting in right now as a guest on this program.

I believe the term was party rock, not power jam. I think his own... He coined the term. I think he re-coined the term was party rock, not power jam. I think his own, he coined the term, I think he re-coined the term party rock for his stuff. Right, but I mean, sure, but you could say the Gap Band is 80s funk, but that doesn't make it not a power jam.

It's not about genre. If you think this is about categorizing stuff, sorry man, I can't be categorized. Hey dude, a square is also a rectangle. That's why my MySpace music page, I just put Christian acapella noise pop because you can't even put me in a box like that. What's MySpace?

It's an internet. Do you got a power jam, Jordan? No, I had the thing about Detroit Rock City, but that's basically the only music that's been in my life for the past eight months. It's just Detroit Rock City? Yeah. That is a power jam, certainly. Yeah, absolutely.

The soundtrack to the movie? It powers me up. No, just the song Detroit Rock City, which I imagine appears in the movie detroit rock city it'd be kind of a kind of a buzzkill if it if it didn't yeah i mean i've never seen it i've never seen the film i would like to licensing's a bitch i like edward furlong and i like kiss i'll try not to hold either of those things against you look i know you guys are laid forward as if that didn't happen. You guys are cool, laid-back guys.

You love your Los Angeles slacker lifestyle. Okay? Yeah. I can see right now, Jonathan, that you're wearing sweatpants shorts, for example. Sweatpants shorts. Those are actually Band of Outsiders. They're $405. This is your BOS.

Okay. So, stop. Sorry. I didn't notice the slim cut. Right. I didn't notice how flattering they were in the crotch area. I know that's the lifestyle you guys live, but I'm offering advice for all the people out there who live in what I call the real world. Oh, boy.

Sure, everybody out there in the rust belt. I'm talking about the rust belt, the sun belt, the Bible belt. Yeah. Rifle sling belt. Syrup Valley. And what is it that you're – what is it? That's Vermont. What is it?

I'm giving people guidance, Jonathan. I know, but what kind of guidance? I don't understand. I'm improving people's lives. In reference to the power jam? Okay, fine. That's all I'm asking i'm just i'm only trying to stay abreast of what said advice is right now only because my my my perspective is

changing i'm trying to keep i'm gonna try i'm trying to i'm taking this stuff seriously and i'm trying to be able to reference back to it as we go through the show so i'm just trying to remember how how can you we are still talking about power jams. You have a notepad, but you don't have a pen. Right. I have a – yes. I have neither. You brought – I have a BlackBerry.

Okay. You have been – I just assumed you were two-way. You were sending two-way pages. No, that's notes. Yeah, that's notes. That's my memo pad. Gotcha. Now, I don't know if I live a slacker lifestyle, by the way.

You do. It's true. You do. I think I – I don't know if I live a slacker lifestyle, by the way. You do. It's true. You do. I think I don't know about that. What do you think you do that sets you apart from what you would be considered? You've got a ribbon tied around your wrist. That's to remind you. That's so that you don't forget to lead a slacker lifestyle.

No, that's a hairband to hold back my gorgeous locks. Beautiful hair. You have quite a head of hair. I'm not going to bullshit you on that point, Jonathan. You got a beautiful head of hair. But I think, I don't know, I think Slacker... All you fuckers have beautiful heads of hair. I think Slacker lifestyle is sort of a sort of a... Yeah, you're kind of at a hair disadvantage.

It's sort of a dead issue at this point, because I think there's a lot of things... I mean, dude. You would say that the point is moot. Well, I just think that there's ways of existing in this world via Power Jam-esque lifestyles that can still be mad productive point is moot well i just think that there's ways of existing in this world via power jam esque lifestyles that can still be mad productive and and awesome and do a grip of shit but still be like oh i'm a complete fuck up like yeah i'm a wreck but at the same time i do do a grip of

shit even in that context yeah absolutely i don't i disagree i think you're gonna you need to kick out you you need to whip back get in your head get in your headspace, whip out a power jam, TCB. That stands for take care of business. That's my recommendation. Not just to you guys. Look, we wanted to invite you here

because there's a crying child. Is it in the apartment? Seth, did you bring your child here? It's Desiree. I had to bring her because her fucking stupid mother. Don't get me wrong. All right. Don't get him started. Let's not talk about that right now.

Please. It took us half an hour just to settle her down and get into this. But you guys owe it to Desiree to try and get along. I'm just saying. Sorry. I know you guys went through some shit. It's a beautiful child that the two of you share. Yeah.

You guys owe it to her. Cleft palate aside, she's fucking gorgeous. I would say cleft palate especially. Especially, yeah. I think she'll grow hair. It clefts in this really, really interesting way. It's like a butterfly in China. It's like taking a dump and listening to Kiss.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. It's Jordan and Jessica. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Just so you guys know, this is an FYI. We're bringing you guys on board with this. This is an exciting opportunity for you because you guys can create your own nicknames. You can pick anything you fucking want. I'm talking to you, Seth and Jonathan.

We don't do that. I can't. I do it. I can't do it. Just writing it off. It took me. It took me. I'm going to start calling you sweatpants then.

Pants. How about jacket pants? Well, you're not wearing a Pants. How about jacket pants? Well, you're not wearing a jacket. What about dynamite vest? I kind of like that. No, no, that sounds cool. That makes them sound intense.

Call me dynamite vest from now on. What about just dynamite? No, I want dynamite vest. I think dynamite vest sounds right. How about just vest? That's a pretty good nickname. Vest, if anything. Certainly not dynamite by itself. What about DV?

No. Oh, I got one. Vest vest. Vesty Certainly not dynamite by itself. What about DV? No. Oh, I got one. Vest vest. Vesty vest. Vesty vest. What about dino vest? Do you like that at all? Wait a second.

I have to apologize. No, no. That's fine. I have to apologize. Please do. I'm sorry. Accepted. Don't worry about it.

It's fine. I knew you were going to do it, so I was prepared. Have you guys been doing this you guys have been doing this together yeah for how long this particular show this particular show

that we're currently sitting on not the act of physical intimacy no because that's been what that's been in

15 minute spurts for years yeah once a week emphasis on the spurts yeah that's the come we've been doing

you're looking at two and a half years of Jordan Jesse Go. We did kind of a similar thing in college. Yeah. The Sound of Young America originally,

Jordan was the co-host. So that show has morphed, as it were, since then when you guys started doing this. The Sound of Young America

sort of branched off and became its own thing. Oh, absolutely. It's its own thing. And not to bring that up, you guys, you do reference both within the... Oh, it's all

part of the same continuity. That's what you're asking. If you're saying, is the Sound of Young America in or out of continuity, it's in continuity. So it's all admissible evidence, as it were. Exactly. Now, just to be clear, Silver Age. Thank you.

Just wanted to be clear. So here's something I kind of wanted to be clear, Silver Age. Thank you. All right. Just wanted to be clear. All right. So here's something I kind of wanted to talk about. And we hinted, we brought up Jonathan's Blackberry earlier. Jonathan, you're a Blackberry owner. Yes. You've got a Blackberry. And what do you...

That's the brand of two-way you use. I want to talk about, I want talk about communication devices for a bit. Let's go around the room and let's just get what device everybody's using. What are you rocking, Jesse? I got a recently purchased information phone. For many years, I had been using Moto Razr, which you might have seen in television commercials. I was perfectly happy with. In the 90s, I did, yeah.

My wife, I was using a Motorola StarTAC. It was pretty tight. For quite some time. It was a very nice phone. Stocking station was pretty sweet. It had a great station. Great station. I could sync up to 100 contacts.

Yeah. Wow. I could sync up to 100 contacts. Wow. I got an iPhone. Mrs. Thorne wanted iPhones, and I told her that if MaxFunCon was a success, we could get iPhones. Oh, so the Mrs. says she wants an iPhone, and you just scramble into action.

She's the man of the house, Jesse? She also went like this. Oh, yeah. Well, they kind of got to do it. And once they do that, you got to do it. Yeah, that's the thing. And what is your take on it? I'm happy with it. I miss my Zune a little bit.

I was a Zune user previously, and I like the Zune software better than I like the iTunes, but I like iTunes is fine. I mean, I have no complaints, really. I think I don't, I can't fathom using that thing as a phone, although as a device, I think they're fantastic. It makes your face very sweaty. It's a very unpleasant phone experience. You've got a screen on your face.

Seth is our sort of tech go-to person on our show. We sort of run most tech through him, so I mean, I would say, I usually defer to him as far as what phones I should be on or getting on a waiting list. You know what I call them? Gadgets and gizmos. Gadgets and gizmos. And if you're talking gadgets and gizmos,

who are you going to go to? Seth. Yes. Seth, what do you make phone calls on? What am I working with? What are you working with? Kind of equipment. What do you know about Skype pages?

What do you know about Skype in my inbox? What do you know about Skype pagers? What do you know about Skyping my inbox? What do you know about that? We usually Skype Seth's inbox most of the time. Right. We feel like that's probably the soundest, most succinct way of communicating. I prefer face-to-face communication. Seth does not own a cell phone. That's my...

Seth is not on a cellular plan, nor does he own a cell phone. You're off the grid, huh? You're off the grid. What about Boost? Do you have Boost? You don't have... I don't have i don't know let's just say pinged you might get you might have boost and we don't know can i ask you a question real quick seth let's say jonathan wants to know where you're at would he boost you oh i'll boost you i'll boost the fuck out of you that's sexual i'll boost all of you i have no idea what any of you are talking about.

He's at home. These are all commercials. These are all ad slogans. He's at home, like what normal human beings used to be at. And you holler at them when they're at home. And if they're not there, you leave a message. And we're like, hey, man, I'm looking forward to getting in touch with you and talking to you soon and making plans to see you because that's the pacing of our lives. Do you have an answering machine? I do have an answering machine.

Okay, because I have a landline and I have an answering machine on my landline. And the other day, somebody gave me sassafras about it. I don't need that. You mean you actually have an answering machine, i.e. I listen to audio messages that my people leave on?

No, no, no. I press a button. You have voicemail. I have, like, yeah, a voice. You have a voicemail service. I have an answer as you still screen calls. I could if I wanted to. You don't. I don't button to... You have voicemail. I have like, yeah, voicemail. You have voicemail service. Because you still screen calls. I could if I wanted to. You don't.

I don't generally. I'll just answer the phone. So you're down, you just didn't ever move off of it because by the time it was time to move off of it, you were on a cell phone, so you were like, well, fuck it, I'll just keep it. Why would I want to pay a monthly fee for voicemail that's exactly the same as my answering machine

that I bought at a garage sale for $5? What about the new phase of what people are doing, which is removing their voicemail from their cell phones? What's that about? Are they doing that? Tell me about this, Jonathan. If you call me, you call me. If I'm here and I can pick up, great. If not, I don't have time to check my voicemail and check your message.

I just don't have voicemail on my phone. The problem is that voicemail is always packaged with all these other things. And so to remove it from the plan, you have to pull teeth at any cell provider to get them to drop it. But what happens is it just rings and rings and rings and rings until it shuts them off. And it's the best thing ever because you're out of the car. You're like, oh, dude, I was asleep. Can you see our boy Hot Dogs Ladies getting on board with this no voicemail thing? Seems like something he'd be into.

He would request that you'd write your message on a 3x5 card and send it to him by carrier pigeon so he can file it. That's Seth's. He's getting things done. He wants some. I mean, we have a postal service in this country that is literally falling apart. All communication is being run through other avenues now. literally falling apart. All communication is being run through other avenues now. Seth would be very happy

if everyone just individually stamped questions, just shopping lists, any sort of stuff, and just sent it to each other via that way, just to keep them in business. Breaking off, literally, it's like breaking off homeless people. They do great work. A lot of people don't give enough respect to the United States Postal Service,

in my opinion. I think they do a really solid job. Hey, how about this? Try this on for size. Hats off to you. Hats off to you. I like that there's so many. It's the postal army we're referring to.

There's a lot of options as to what design you can get on your stamp. Right. And that's a lot of fun. I think we can all agree that that's a lot of fun. Oh, yeah. No, it's a blast. It's a kick in the pants. When I get to pick out my stamp graphics, I get real pumped for that.

What's your favorite stamp? Mine is love because that's what's in my heart. Mine is the stamp out breast cancer. You got it because you hate cancer. You don't want people to die from cancer. I hate breasts and I hate cancer. Double whammies. That's the classic double whammies.

Charge me 64 cents for that one. I hate both of those things. Guys, what? Jazz innovators? Yes. It's a very good choice, Jordan. Very good choice. Seth?

Hawaii. Hawaii. Seth just goes with an old school American flag. Oh, Hawaii. That was a Yiddish-Hawaiian hybrid. It was a mashup. It was a mashup. No, we got mad respect.

As a former letter carrier, we have mad respect. Because I have no email, no Facebook. I do truly rely on the mail, I guess. Well, also pneumatic tubes. And we do have a lot of postal workers that listen to the show on a regular basis. And they get in touch with us. Because we do talk about the stuff that's going on in their crazy offices because it is like they are hemorrhaging money.

And, like, people are getting, I mean, it's just, it's crazy. It's pretty nuts. I mean, to see those kind of. I recently read an interview. This is on the subject of willful antiquated technology. I recently read an interview with rapper jay-z i don't know if you guys have heard about this fella out of brooklyn new york um very successful rapper very skillful at the combination of uh words and music to create something called hip-hop

and um jay-z was talking about somebody was talking shit about Jay-Z. You know how he found out? Somebody hit him up on his pager. Yeah. It's 2009. Somebody hit Jay-Z up on his pager. You know what? Way to go, Jay-Z. Probably had to use some pager code.

He probably has a special pager code for somebody's talking shit about you. Just like 143 is I love you. He's probably got however many letters are in talking shit about you is the code it's actually isn't it 381 not one right 381 three words eight letters one meaning is also i love you and pager

talk three words eight letters one meaning is also you know same same 143 maybe in your little slacker lifestyle. 1-8-7, 4-1-1, 9-1-1, 4-20, 4-20, 4-20, 4-20. Zoe, can I, in this, I feel like Jay-Z in a lot of ways. You are like Jay-Z. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Our lives run pretty parallel. Number one, you're both fucking Beyonce. Sure. That's all I could think of.

It seems like an important one. Not at the same time. Just, you know know usually our touring schedules sync up yeah she's lonely she gets lonely absolutely um uh but i have i at this point i'm rocking the comes with the plan phone okay so you're looking at a nokia yeah it's an at&t lg slideroo yeah okay so you're using this this slider this slider is a good model you're not getting blown with that phone in your hands or anywhere near your physical body i mean not because you have to hide your cell phone in order to get blown is what you're telling me you know

and it's a it's most people want most people i mean that's the premise usually you see it in the commercials for my motos or whatever you bring it out and give it a wave like this, a circle wave in front of you. Sort of like a mesmer bringing somebody into their world. That's Axe Body Spray. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, sorry. Okay. There are a lot of sponsors on this show.

We have to cover so many products on this show. I wasn't prepared for this. Guys, just a reminder, just a reminder, just a reminder. We've got to plug so many things. products on this show i wasn't prepared for this guys just a reminder just a reminder you gotta plug so many things mountain dew code red at some point at some point mountain dew code well maybe later when we're talking about mycookrewards.com good all right that'll be a good place to bring it up so competing product you have a you have a sliding yeah so i have the comes with the plan phone and and and don't – well, I have a – in addition to the goofs I do on television that people might know about, I do have a producer job on this show. And, you know, I have to do a little bit of producing, have to do –

Booking. You have to book some stuff, have to coordinate some flights and camera people and other hosts. You've got to make sure you've got a tinfoil hat supplier for the day the Earth stood still. Yeah, no, keep all the frequencies out. Sure, I've got to make sure my bear suit gets back from the dry cleaners okay. And I have been running into a lot of situations where a smartphone would be helpful. Right. Also, loyal listeners will know that I am a powerful cheapskate.

That's true. Very true. And I had kind of committed myself to dismissing the option of the smartphone, to just not considering it, to going about my life as if smartphones did not exist. it to going about my life as if smartphones did not exist. But I'm kind of running into problems in that people now expect me to have one and are mad when they find out I don't. Yeah, which is presumptuous of them, though. That's not fair, I don't think.

I feel like it is, too. I think I really do. I mean, not to get remotely serious about sort of a silly subject, but I think it's incredibly presumptuous the way that people are as far as their technology and the availability and the fact that it's handheld and the fact that it's compact, I don't think should denote the fact that

the concept that everyone needs to have one in order to somehow stay in the fold. I think that's ridiculous. I think it's lazy and I think it's inappropriate for the way that this country works, at least, because there's nothing about us that's supposed to be that uniform. In my opinion, it's incompatible with representative democracy. Yeah.

Well, I would say yes. No, no, it's really crazy. It's so stupid to talk about. But it's like, oh, wow, they're like really starting to like impose their will upon us. And they're not. And you call them smartphones already. And they're not even smart. They're like wicked stupid and they're already running our lives.

And, I mean, pretty soon they're literally going to start rearranging our DNA and stuff. Here's kind of my main prejudice against the smartphone. They're black. Yeah, I don't hate them. I'm just saying i don't want to carry one around in my pocket i just don't want to push one against my face i don't want them in my neighborhood yeah whatever i love worried i love their food i love their music i don't i love listening to music on my smartphone but i do not want it depressing my property values there you go i think i think that's um i think i know, what were you going to say?

You were going to say the one thing? Yes, yes. I feel like as a guy who kind of – my kind of bigger goal is to be maybe a successful comedy writer. maybe a successful comedy writer. I have and you know I feel like I should be

using my free time to if not be doing some kind of extracurricular comedy writing but just to be kind of generating ideas and I feel like my

Jay Leno is looking for correspondence. He has a new show at 10 p.m. on NBC. Huh. Have you heard about this? It's comedy at 10. That's where you

crash. You drive a car into a pool filled with balloons and that's the show? No, you have to do that. You gotta get five people to do that. You're thinking of Tutti Frutti Higante. Oh, excuse me. It is a Higante, though, so you're correct in that sense.

So you think that they're not... So here's the thing, and I feel like I do a lot of my good idea generating just in my quiet time. In my walking to something, in my being in a shower, that kind of thing. And I feel like if I... Also something about me, I'm very fidgety. I am a fidgety guy. I'm fidgeting right now, in fact. I don't know if you noticed. I haven't noticed. I'm fidgeting. I feel a fidgety guy. I'm fidgeting right now, in fact. I don't know if you noticed.

I haven't noticed. I'm fidgeting. I feel like if I had one of these smartphones, I would do nothing but fidget with it. I would reread emails. I would search for restaurants. I would push a button that made a fart sound. I would push a button that made a fart sound, and I feel like what little kind of quiet idea time that I have that hopefully is important to my livelihood will be torpedoed by having this device that has so many things I can poke. over emails and will you do that? You will find yourself standing in a place and feeling uncomfortable and taking it out simply to act as if you are rereading an email or something. Yeah.

You're reenacting an unnecessary act and not even actually doing it because it's like a pack of cigarettes. No one's ever alone. If you have one of those things, you can stand anywhere and feel like, oh, somebody's looking at me and i'm standing by myself i take this thing out i smoke a cigarette it's like fuck you i'm the coolest person in the world i have i have a i have a device and a cigarette like don't come anywhere near me of course i'm alone i want to be alone i'm cool i have a gun i have a fucking gun exactly i raped your mom go get away from me so i i feel like there's just two things working here a this could probably be good for my you know just for my job and my personal organization but i feel it will be detrimental to my creativity well what hopefully those two things are are jordan are not those two things

should be happening simultaneously i'm against it i'll tell you why jordan number one you're against what me getting a smartphone yeah i don't think it's a good idea. I'm going to tell you why. I'm going to tell you why. I'm against your dreams, Jordan. Okay. That's fine. I want you to fail. I wish for your failure. We know like your dreams. Okay.

I think your goal should be to be the more popular co-host of a podcast. That's the most you could... And you've achieved it? Let it be. That's me most you could... And you've achieved it? Let it be. That's me falling asleep. Have you guys demoed your popularity against each other? I'm reasonable. Dan and Casey on Sports Night.

Oh, yeah. That was a good episode. That was a great episode of Sports Night. Love that Sports Night. Here's what I think. Number one, as it stands right now, and I don't mean this as a put- put down uh of my good friend jordan morris but you're horrible at email yeah you could not be worse i do not know anyone in 2009 who's worse

at email than you and i don't think getting a smartphone would fix that no it would make it worse i think you just need to live in the world as someone who's horrible at email and you just have to call him if you need him for something that's what i that's kind of what i feel i feel like when someone starts griping at me for not returning an email quick enough you're like well i never even return anyone's emails i never return anyone's emails i'm i i don't live in 2009 sure i live in 1997 when it was normal for someone to have an email account but never check it or reply to his emails. But what about the fact that in 1997 it also was just more normal to be somebody

who didn't get the fuck back in touch with people sometimes because they were like, oh, he's kind of a loner, he's kind of hard to get in touch with, and that was okay. Yeah, it's part of my thing. Yeah, it's my steez, yo. I feel like now, instead of being part of my mystique, people are getting annoyed. I don't like being in people's, you know,

like people are up in everyone's face all the time. That's kind of how I feel about, that's how I kind of, I kind of feel like maybe mystery is Seth's steez. Yes. Mystery? Yeah.

You're talking about mystery? Yeah. You're talking about Eric Von Markovic? Is that who we're speaking of? Is that who we're talking about? That's his Christian name. Or you mean just the adjective,

like as in, oh, you don't mean the person, the pickup artist. No, no. You don't mean mystery, the pickup artist. Although those boots that you're wearing, I don't mean to be... Yeah, because you're getting into some religious territory we're getting into.

Sorry. Yeah. Jordan, this is how I feel about it. Like, number one, there's a flip side to this issue. Yes. Which is this. I do not believe that you have quiet time in which you generate ideas i believe that's the i believe i believe based on past experience which is modest i don't spend a lot of time hanging out with you during quiet time but based on past experience

my belief is that during what for some might be quiet time jSesh. For me, it's... For me... For me, it's mess around, goof around on the internet time. And, you know, ruin my ideas that way. Sure. By mess around on the internet, you do mean J-O-Sesh, right? All right, I'm just... Like, Monday night... Just some semantical terminology things that I think that, you know, we need to get...

Monday night, Vikings Packers. My girlfriend's at school like hey oh sash cold sex are in the fridge get over here get over here be quick holla at this um i would say jordan that during those times what for say uh i mean if you're talking about a laid-back slacker type guy like these two guys these laid-back slacker then could i could i is there any person in the world who's a less of an opposite like you i mean you do realize this dude works like a gajillion like he is like you guys i feel guilty walking and i feel guilty walking into the studio let's put it that way when we come to do a show and i'm like oh god like

when you're talking about two guys like this that are living that matthew mcconaughey dazed and confused lifestyle. Just a couple of dudes from the movie. Just a couple of Seth Rogans. Just a couple of Rogans. Rogue Rogans. Just a couple of Rogans. A couple of Rogue Rogans up in this world. Jordan, I think that during your, what would be your downtime, you're just playing fighting games on your Xbox.

Probably true. That's a kind of quiet time. Jordan, I don't mean to blow up your spot, but you're the only person I've ever met who plays video games to help him get to sleep. Yeah, it relaxes me. It's a routine. It slows the alpha waves down.

But yeah, I do try and regiment a little bit of quiet time into my day, week, etc. just to, you know, exist and kind of organize thoughts. And I feel like the smartphone would just torpedo that.

Yeah, Seth just said it. I don't know if it picked up, but he said the phone is for your convenience, not the caller's. And if you live by that rule with all of the ways that we now communicate with each other, because they talk on the phone, texting, emailing. Seth, what about consideration to others?

That's up to the person, isn't it? I mean, it's up to the person to be considerate. If the person lives a sort of solipsistic, Los Angeles slacker-type lifestyle, sure. No, it's up to every man and every woman in the world to deal with other human beings. It's not as if I was in the game and then took myself out of the game.

It's never been in. You've never been in the game. I just have a landline. If you want to get in touch with me, call that, leave a message, and I'll call you back soon. Every listener of our show has the ability to call him,

and he calls every single person back. I mean, it's that serious. I just cannot at any point in my life have any social networking, any email, any cell phone. I can't. You can't handle it. I'm an only child. No, you call bullshit.

I'm an only child. I think you call bullshit. Here's my question. And I would say that I think he's probably right. Is he calling bullshit? We're all in this right now. Are you calling bullshit or are you freaking out? No, no.

I don't know. Whatever anyone I make, I pass no judgments on anyone. My particular game is to just go out in the world and live it. You're just living your life. Living my life on my terms. Let's say you're walking down the street. You don't have a phone in your pocket. You don't have any distractions going on.

You're headed to work to work hard. I know you're a hard-working Rust Belt type. Thank you. Do you ever whip out a power jam? He calls me and makes me sing them to him. You're operating under the assumption that

at any point I'm working on a level lower than A-, which is never. That's about as low as you'll go if the h1n1 like hit me i'd go two days at a b minus and i'm not kidding you it's like bring back to life you're generally operating at a would you say a plus plus i would say the shittier my life gets and the more it starts to atrophy spiritually and psychologically seth is as as over the span of the show he is on on the reciprocal of that just continue to blossom blossom into this lotus of contentment and discipline

and mild-manneredness that I have. I'm not kidding you. I've known him longer than we've done the show. We've done the show a long time, and I think he's sapping my energy. I'm pretty sure that he sucks. He extracts my essence at night or something. It's like a parasite. Seth, let me ask you a question.

How are things in the bone zone? In the what? The bone zone. You mean, does he have a huge prick? But meaning... Like how... I think he just did that. How hardy are your bones?

You can't see hand motions in the podosphere. How vigorous... I don't like where this is going. I don't know. How vigorous is your image? He changed tone. He changed color when he started asking. He went to like

a darker, more olive-y sort of tone to his skin. It was crazy. I thank you, Gus, for having us on the show.

But seriously, thank you for having us on. How vigorous is your intimate zone? It's pretty vigorous. A++? Everything's plus plus. I can attest

to everything being pretty much top notch. You know that he's an A++. He is spitting nothing but game head to toe. Let's just put it that way.

I just get the feeling that he's good to go. Camera ready. He's good to go. Camera ready. Exactly right. Jordan, I don't think... No fluffers. Jordan, I think that if you...

Fluffer nutters, but no fluffers. Jordan, I think that if you get a smartphone, you're going to make yourself completely insane. Yeah, that's what I worry about. No, I think you need to be recruited into the other side in order to yang out this yin of technology that you need to be on Seth's side. You know what you need, Jordan?

I feel like I feel anti. I like your idea. Go deeper in the paint. You know our friend Merlin Mann from You Look Nice Today? Sure. Our friend Merlin Mann carries around a little binder clip with some 3x5 cards in there. Have you thought about doing that? Yes.

Don't like things in my pockets. I don't like big pockets. Including money. Or hands. What do you mean he carries it around if he has an idea to write it down? Yeah, or if somebody tells him about something, he writes it down. Get a moleskin. That's what I keep.

Get a moleskin. Tiny. Oh I keep. Get a moleskin. Tiny. Oh, yeah. Get a palm. What's nice about it? Get a palm pilot. I'll tell you why he likes that. Remember palm pilots?

Get a palm pilot. Get a fucking palm pilot. Those things were bomb. You can pick one up at like a Salvation Army. It's got a handwriting recognition. It sounds bulky. It is bulky. It is bulky.

Here's the thing. Jordan Svelte. Jordan needs to feel alive. Mm-hmm. Sinewy. Yeah, I to feel live. Sinewy. Yeah, I wouldn't say... Sinewy. I wouldn't go so far as to say tiny dancer, but you're a...

Definitely a rocket man. You're a compact package. He's certainly a Baryshnikov type, I would say. If I was going to say... If you asked me what... Let's say you're casting something. What type is Jordan? I'd say...

A Russian poof. Like a petite feet. Sure. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. We're Jonathan and Seth from My Dad Dude.

Thank you so much. Thank you for having us. Oh, it's a joy to have you. you speaking of thank yous jordan can we give a thank you right now why not the kind people at four stroke denim we got this buddy this listener this great listener on the show henry wong he works at cone denim which is the big american denim manufacturing outfit in north carolina um and he's sort of like the king of the fancy blue jeans. And he said, well, he said, the bad news is both of us are big men. We're big men.

Sure. In terms of what? Okay. Intellect. Intellect. Yes, in what way are we big? I have few ways. I'm not doubting this.

We're generously wasted. Oh, sure. Yeah. And so he said... That's not true. Look, I'll keep... For the people that are listening that have never seen these two sure yeah that's and so he said that's not true look people are listening that have never seen these two guys that's totally fucking not true henry said he'll keep his he'll keep his eye open i have a look he's going to the la county fair in like three hours you're gonna see some wastes i've got a four inch i've got a four inch drop i'm generously wasted okay so uh henry says to I'm going to keep an eye peeled.

If somebody's got some samples or something in a size that fits you guys, because a lot of times a sample's like a 30, a 32, a real small size. I get them in the book. I typically wear a 32. You typically wear a 32? 31 or a 32, depending on the brand. But I measured your waist. It measured out to something completely different than that. Why are you measuring his waist?

Because it was the weekend. What are you going to do do on the weekend so this whole time you wear a 32 i buy a 30 31 or men should not talk to each other about these things you know they should pass this type of information through their women they should not have two men speaking directly about their waist sizes to one another shoe sizes shoe sizes okay not waist sizes dick size oh oh fine fine yours is a 30 can i slowly slide okay wait can i slowly slide my can i say something i'm looking at the jeans that you're referring to yes and as far as designer jeans go we need to props out your friend as well because they sent you something that is also not adorned with horrific embroidery, terrible buttons. This is not the kind of bullshit that Henry Wong is operating.

It's like really nice denim. He hooked us up with these guys at Four Stroke Denim, which is a New York-based denim company. They sent us these lovely blue jeans with a lovely, nice selvedge denim. These have a really heavy blue wash on them, a really interesting finish uh some purple detailing um a really interesting hints of almond uh sure spring with a peppery finish and you can taste the oak too that's what's nice about these jeans north carolina jeans you can always taste the oak yeah it makes you itch a little bit you lick the jeans but that's what you get for the comes with a free bottle of tim mcgrath southern blend. So, what's going on?

Did you just break everything? I just broke something. We're looking great. We're great. We broke records. This is so ragtag of me. Is there water? Can I have a water?

Not right now. We're on the air. No, we're not. You blew your shot, Ace. We're in the cyber, though. We're in cyber. You blew your shot, Ace. Damn it.

We've got to take some telephone calls. You can have water at some point. Listen, we're taking a telephone call. There's three dudes. What if I got up and ran? You're all right. No. Jordan, I'm taking a telephone call. There's three dudes. What if I got up and ran? You're all right. No? Jordan, I'm going to be real with you.

I screened these calls, but then we've been having this trouble with the CD player the past couple weeks. It works when I burn the CD on the laptop, but I burn the CD on the laptop, I don't have the track list anymore. So who fucking knows what's coming? So wait. It could be a momentous occasion. It could be a question for us. Maybe this is a whole new segment called Mystery Calls.

Yeah, Mystery Calls. Here we go. Mystery Calls. Let's do this. Let's jam on the groove. Anne Rice is coming out with a book called Angel Time. And bully to her for that. Right? What? Anne Rice is coming out with a book called Angel Time. Stop. Angel Time. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, wait. We've been maybe call-less for five weeks because of these technical snafus. That's correct. Why did we play that one first? That's the first one. That's the first one. Sup, Anne Rice. Holla. Maybe you heard. Angel Time. Maybe the first one. That's the first one. Sup, man rice, holla.

Maybe you heard. Angel time. Maybe you didn't. Nucka, respect. Number one. Number one. Kept it pithy. Sure. True.

I mean, he did. Yeah. Number two. It's about angels. I'm really into angel shit. Oh, I didn't know you were into angel shit. Like Angels in the Outfield? Yeah, absolutely.

You love that shit. That's my favorite movie. You love that shit. That's my favorite movie. Finding a truth, everything's baseball and angels. Yeah, absolutely. You love that shit. That's my favorite movie. You love that shit. That's my favorite movie. Finding a truth, everything's baseball and angels. Right, which is why my second favorite movie is major. Angels in the End Zone. That is my second favorite movie.

The direct-to-DVD sequel. I was going to say Rookie of the Year is my second favorite movie because it has baseball but no angels. I think that's fun, Jordan. I guess it's, yeah, okay, that's fine. Angel time, that's fun, Jordan. I guess it's, yeah, okay. That's fun. Angel time, that's fun. If some bitch doesn't come in whining about it, then it's fun. No, you're right.

If some bitch starts whining, then it turns into bitch whine time instead of angel time. I bitched out. I bitched out and I shouldn't have. I don't think he was referring to you. No. Hi, Jordan, this is Eric, and I have a momentous occasion. I was just talking to a girl, and I kind of really like her. Well, I kind of wanted to like her.

And we were just talking about movies and things we had seen recently, and she just told me the other night she saw I Can Do Bad All By Myself, which I didn't know what that was, but apparently it's a Tyler Perry movie and a Madea movie. So I asked her, you know, what was it about? She said, oh, I love Tyler Perry.

He did my second favorite movie, Madea Goes to Prison, and then linked me to a clip of Tyler Perry as Medea on YouTube. And now I really don't know what to do. He doesn't know what to do. He's lost. I know what to do. Okay.

I mean, come on. Jonathan Larroquette knows what to do. Dude, you've got to get as far away from this person as possible. If they're using Tyler Perry as any sort of a gauge of anything. You know what this woman's number one favorite movie probably is? I'm just guessing. I'm just guessing that it's Ernest Goes to Jail. I guess, right?

Because the second favorite movie is Medea Goes to Jail. I have no idea what you're talking about. Seth didn't get to hear the voicemail because he was trying to get me a glass of water. Are you talking about Tyler Perry? Basically, a dude. Let me just get Seth at this because he didn't hear the message. A dude really likes this girl. You know why?

He was in his head power jamming. He was talking to the girl. Girl starts talking about movies. I can do bad all by myself. And then, oh, yeah, Tyler Perry, he's my favorite. Taraji P. Henson. I know. It is Taraji P. Henson.

That's the other thing. Is it a Tyler Perry joint, though? No. It's a Tyler Perry film. I mean, he's Taraji P. Henson. That's the other thing. Is it a Tyler Perry joint, though? No, it's a Tyler Perry film. I mean, he's a serious filmmaker. But he's not in I Can Do Bad All By Myself. Yes, he is. Oh, Medea's in it.

No, Taraji P. Henson stars in it. No, he's like Hitchcock. He always makes a... Medea has scenes in it. Wow. Alongside, alongside... I mean, look, don't get me wrong, Gladys Knight. If she had said, I love that, I love Gladys Knight and the Pips, midnight train to Georgia.

All day. So this fool, this girl likes Luke. So she sent him a link to Tyler, I mean, to Medea goes to prison or to jail or whatever, and he saw the clip and was like, oh, this is a crazy person. I'm falling in love with a crazy person. And so now he's not sure what to do. And I'm saying, I don't even know. I mean, it's full stop.

It's full stop. I say go with it. Are there certain... You say go for it? I say go with it. When two people come together, you have to accept... I feel funny asking this, but I wish I knew if the girl or he was African American. Because as we have talked about on the show before uh it's my opinion

that if you're african-american you can get a pass to enjoy something it's not a permanent all-encompassing pass but you get a pass to enjoy something with african-american people in it in the mainstream of entertainment culture just because you're like fuck it we don't get much yeah unfortunately that's true and a lot of the stuff that they get I think is still poorly marketed and geared badly, and at least Tyler Perry, despite whether I like him or not, is doing his thing. I just think being a young person, which this person sounded like, and using that as some sort of an artistic or ethical...

Your second favorite film. That's banana cakes. That is crazy, crazy kooky. It sounds to me like the decision is a resounding banana cake. Run to her. Run to her. Love her. Hey, JJ Goh.

This is Mahfouz John in St. Cloud. Today, just now, I just saw something that was without a doubt the cutest thing I think that exists. If anybody can top it, please try to. I saw a baby in a stroller be presented with a new puppy. And it was so damn cute. The puppy was so small and just brown. And the baby's smile when he or she grabbed it could not tell. They had gender neutral clothing on.

But it was without a doubt the cutest thing I've ever seen so if anyone's seen anything cute I'd like to know thanks guys bye hey dog are you fucking cool seriously I got the tail end of that I heard him say gentle neutral clothing

how cute can anything be in gender neutral clothing are you talking about cute dogs no we're talking about cute babies and cute puppies being introduced in some sort of a public forum here's the cutest thing in the world i look number one i want to say it's always great to hear from mafu john and in minneapolis aka weird al lover this is your boy obviously right that's our man i would never i would i would try to garner as many voicemails from him this dude is a class act all the way no doubt you can tell he's got a sharp eye he's got a keen eye for the top to bottom um he's he really knows what the

fuck is going on you know what i mean and that's number one number two you love cute shit this is a guy oh fuck yeah so you're totally in on this whole voice Who doesn't love cute shit Well loving cute shit and being like I love cute shit Is two different things No? What the fuck

You definitely You know you're a guest in my home right Jonathan? Yes I'm sorry You're a guest in my home But I'm just saying You come into my home wearing sweatpants and a marijuana t-shirt. And you're telling me that I shouldn't love cute animals? It's a Hawaii t-shirt.

Okay, fair enough. It's a Hawaii t-shirt with a marijuana motif. Fair enough. Unfortunately for Mafujan, a.k.a. Weird Al Lover, for Mafujan, aka Weird Al Lover, the bad news is that there are in the world puppies dressed as kittens.

So in the context of a world with puppies dressed as kittens. You're schooled. He got schooled today. I had a friend growing up that had a baby goat as a pet, and when it started to grow horns, they had to put tennis balls on the horns.

That's cute as fuck. Right? That's a little better. Looks like best case scenario for Mafujan is... Get a goat. Best cutest thing this year. Is you're looking at a bronze medal overall. Yeah.

Right? Best case scenario. That might be cutest thing of the year. Of this, of 09. The fiscal year. Hard to say what it really is. Jordan, Jesse, hey, it's Christian in Tacoma, Washington, and I have a momentous occasion. I was driving down a road, it's a pretty major thoroughfare here, I would say five lanes, And I witnessed two full-grown adult goths helping a feeble old African-American blind man across the road in the twilight around dusk.

And it was so surreal and so lovely. I had to share it with the world. You know what they call that? Cute is what they call that. They call that cute as shit. Super cute. In my business, they call that cute in my business what they call that they call that cute as shit in my business they call that a magic memory that's something that is going to nurture i forget what your business is podcasting oh yeah do they know that after he drove by they threw him down into the woods yeah they beat him with his own cane there was a concrete stairwell

in that blind man's future i fear the drove him. I fear the goths. Drove him to West Memphis and ate him. Here's the thing when you're a goth. Stop eating blind black men, goths. It's not fair. It's not cool. Did you see the Spanish president? They think it's cool. The two things they think are cool are beating blind African American men and, of course, clove cigarettes.

Yes. Yep. I thought you had something more to say oh yeah no i was just saying like when you when you are a goth and you do like anything even remotely un-goth it's just hilarious like that's the i think that the downside slash awesome upside of being goth like you can just do a thing while being goth and it's uh it's automatically like going to pinkberry yeah just yeah hanging like hey how's that working out for you? How's that lip ring?

That lip ring gets cold as shit, doesn't it, when you start putting icy stuff on it? Gotta put a lot of kiwi in there. I saw a goth guy eating a waffle one time. That basically blew my mind. Pretty much. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Ruffle from Philadelphia.

I had a first date with a young lady tonight, and I wore my Sound of Young America shirt in the hopes that I would make it my lucky Sound of Young America shirt and we got to make out. So it is my lucky Sound of Young America shirt now. Sweet. I want him to know that all Sound of Young America shirts can do

that. You just have to activate them. A lot of people skip the activation step. Well, it's because they don't see the ditto that you supply with all of them. I passed out a ditto. People don't get them. Some people are white, purple, colorblind, so they can't distinguish their text on it. I don't know what this is.

I can't deal with this. I'm sorry. How are things working out when making out with a girl requires you to attach the word lucky to something that you're wearing? I mean, people are doing what they can. It's a tough time sometimes. Do you think maybe it would have gone farther if he was wearing another shirt? Do you think maybe she would have... I think if he was wearing a turtleneck, he would have sealed the deal.

Seth, you're not living in today's economic reality. We're facing a downturn. I'm living in this economic reality. I'm up in the guts of this economic reality. I'm up in her. Talking about her. Did you climb up in that shit? Being a part of her. I'm balls deep in this economic reality. I'm up in the guts of this economic reality. I'm up in her. Talking about her. Did you climb up in that chair? Being a part of her. I'm balls deep in this downfall.

Letting the UID nation know oh so much about her. Her sweet, sweet temperament. I don't think you should wear a t-shirt on a date. That's just me. Solid advice. I like that. Solid advice. Let's show a little class. On a first date.

Lucky t-shirt to the side. You shouldn't wear a t-shirt to a first date. Maybe wear the t-shirt underneath a button-up. I will absolutely agree with Seth on that. Do you know where they were going, though? They could have been going to a water slide. Doesn't matter. T-shirt convention. Or a wet t-shirt contest.

T-shirt city. No, yeah. You wear a jacket to the wet t-shirt contest. Throw on a jacket. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Aaron from Clinton, Iowa. I just got a bunch of my friends together, and we drew a big mural on the street. And it's a big advertisement for Jordan, Jesse, go and MaximumFun.org.

We wrote it. And I'll put pictures on the forum and stuff. It's pretty cool. It's a robot. Fresh. Number one, our boy in Clinton, Iowa, he did post some pictures on the forum. It's a beautiful robot that they've created

to support MaximumFun.org. That's awesome. And if you want to create something beautiful to support MaximumFun.org, whether or not you're in Clinton, Iowa, it helps if you're in Clinton, Iowa, certainly. It's a little pocket we haven't exploited yet. I mean, sure, you're going to have, if you're going for maximum

impact, maybe you want to focus in Clinton. Yeah, maybe not the first on the list, but certainly the first few on the list. Clinton should be on there. It's one of our battlegrounds. One of our battlegrounds. Frankly, Bozeman. Bozeman, Montana. Well, because they have the

Bermuda Triangle, and the Bermuda Triangle it's a... That's some deep Bozeman, Bozeman, Montana. Well, because they have the Bermuda Triangle, and the Bermuda Triangle, it's a... That's some deep Bozeman, Montana knowledge that I presume is true, and that's something you made up. And Butte, Montana kind of looks like Butt, Montana, so obviously that's important. So here's our challenge to you. I say

anybody out there in the state of Iowa or Bozeman, Montana or Butte, Montana. That's the hierarchy. Those are the three. The most important is Butte, Montana because it looks like butt. Yes, thank you.

Second most important is Bozeman, Montana, of course, because of the Bermuda Triangle. There you go. Third is this entire state of Iowa because, of course, the Iowa Writers Workshop, the legendary Iowa Writers Workshop. Wait, Bermuda Triangle? Yes. What goes on there?

What do you think goes on there? Yeah, people drink. No, people drink themselves to death. They disappear. People disappear. Dreams disappear. Yeah. Livers disappear.

People break themselves. Now, folk art, listener art, folk art. Didn't you work on a salmon boat in Bozeman? No, that was in Alaska. Seasonal work on a salmon boat in Bozeman? That was in Alaska. It was in oil derrick. It was in oil der seasonal work on a salmon boat in bozeman that was an oil derrick and with toby keith don't worry about um uh folk folk art and or slash listener art like best shit ever can we attest beautiful jj go picture that amelia drew yeah it's right here

on my desk tell me it's not the best feeling in the world though what's your guys number one fan art piece do you have' number one fan art piece? Do you have a number one fan art piece? You have a top three. Well, I mean, we have people that get crazy and get crazy tattoos and, you know. You have tattoos, huh? Yeah. Somebody's been threatening to get a Maximum Fun rocket ship tattooed on themselves.

That's actually been me. Oh. Sorry. Well, where is it? It's actually off the table. That was Seth. me. Oh. Sorry. Well, where is it? It's actually off the table. That was Seth. After coming here. After not getting my friend a drink of water,

I've taken that off the table. Once the water went off the table, he's just like, well, I can't get a tattoo of these guys. Look, let's just take another phone call, and we'll see where it goes. We'll work it out. We'll see where it goes from here.

Okay, team? Hey, this is Jordan, Jesse. Matt from Los Angeles again. Follow up to my momentous occasion. I did not say hi to Jordan. I got scared and I walked away. This dude saw you, Jordan, called in a momentous occasion and he saw you on the street. I'm bitched out.

And he was trying to talk himself into going up and saying hi. And he pulled a bitchy move. Yeah, and then called iny move. Bitch, bitch. Oh, and then called in about it. Yeah. Anyway. He had a pussy fart and fucking called about it. You know what this dude needed?

A power jam. Thank you. A brain power jam. No, come on. Come up to me. I'm pretty nice about that. Jordan is really nice about that. I'm pretty nice.

Can I ask? Unless I'm drunk. Yeah. Then I'll kick you in the cunt. I'll be looking around and looking for an excuse to leave. I want to ask one favor of people who come up to me because I am overall totally in favor

of people coming up to me. I think it's really neat that anyone likes this thing that we do. God bless you for coming up to me. The one request I would say is tell me what your name is so that I'm not talking to somebody who knows a lot about me and I don't even know their name. Totally. I think that is like a crazy hiccup, though, because it's like, oh, you're in my brain, dude. It's totally understandable. I'm not saying a value judgment.

I'm saying it out loud now because I'm looking for that from people because it makes me and I won't remember it or anything. No. It's up to them to remember it or I'll be angry. He and I will both be very angry if you don't introduce ourselves. And we will fight you. We will fight you. Two on one. Jonathan's a big man.

And he's got a lot of range of movement in those pants. Husky. I'm a husky guy. You're well-waisted. Yeah. Well-waisted is what we prefer to say. Well-seated as well. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm calling with a moment of shame.

Moments of shame. The other morning, I woke up, and I was feeling not right in my stomach area. It's going to be gross. But I just went ahead on with my day and I was changing my son. Mistake. And then I realized that I really needed to make a break for the bathroom. So I finished putting his new diaper on and as I picked him up,

I shit my pants. Yeah, you did. That's how it goes sometimes. My wife was asleep in the chair in the living room and it woke her up. Did she divorce you? She did. It's gross.

She woke up with an awful look on her face, like she had just smelled what I had just done. Moment of shame. And then she laughed at me. Yeah, and then she laughed at me. And I went and took a shower and did some laundry, and I was sick for the rest of the weekend. Why did you do laundry?

You should have thrown them away. I was eating a bad piece of pizza the night before. God bless you, sir, for sharing that with us. Moments of shame give us strength. You're a horrible person. You suck at being you in that instant. You are working toward redemption with calling us. Yeah, that's the first step in becoming a better person.

Do you see what I'm saying? Shitting your pants is the worst feeling it's one of the worst feelings that one can impose on themselves because there's really no you can't look anywhere else you can't pass that buck you cannot hand that off to somebody you cannot blame the thai vegan restaurant that you went to because really at the end of the day you're the one sitting there and you've got their your bowels shit in there you've got a hot liquidy shit like substance in your pants here's the thing that really saves this guy Seth so what really saves this guy is and I'm we're gonna get off this because this is not the shit show

um if you're looking for a shit show you're gonna look you're gonna want to look to like a Seth McFarland um what the situation that we're here, and the saving grace for this guy is, he's in a baby household, which means there's poopy pants on a day-to-day basis. So he's essentially joining the crowd rather than creating a note of dissension. And actually, besides himself, the only finger he could point ostensibly is at his spawn, who also had sort of shitty smells wafting and probably got all the gully work sort of flushing themselves out. Actually, in the man's defense, where I thought the story was going when he started it, he started out with, I'm changing my son, I'm feeling a little sick to my stomach.

I thought it was going to be, I threw up on my baby. Which is worse. Yeah. Puking on your baby's worse than shitting your pants? It's less shameful, but worse. No way. It's less shameful, but worse. I would much rather barf on my kid than shit my pants.

It would be kind of fun for the baby, right? I'd rather sell my baby. I'd rather change my baby, as in swap it out for a different baby, than shit my own pants. My son knows that i shit my pants i've got a reputation to uphold he's a baby right whatever he's fine you you'd rather he's got like 20 years to work all his shit out like i'm like dead already like i gotta go i got babies like being covered in stuff too wow they're kind of into it i don't even i don't i won't say

wow i will not i will not I will not This whole thing's banana cakes I think we can all agree Yeah it's banana cakes Let's get out of here We'll be back in just a second On Jordan Jessico Jordan Jessico

I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris Boy detective Look at these handsome young men Look at these guys That's Seth Right there that you're looking at I would say I'm Jonathan're from oh yeah dude maybe you guys are you guys think you

guys are probably in the upper tier of handsomeness for podcasters wow you guys are very handsome podcasters very it's very nice when i i i've listened to your show and uh and and you know kind of had pictures of you in my head. You sounded homely. Not nearly this good looking. Very unpleasant voices. Grading voices. Grading voices. America's best looking podcast. America's finest looking.

One of America's upper tier looking podcasts. You know Dan Carlin of Dan Carlin's Hardcore History. That's a handsome man. You look nice today. There's three handsome guys too. Sure. You're talking about three good-looking guys. Yeah, I guess maybe that's something we need to be able to sort of work into our podcasting.

Maybe some way of embedding our images digitally or something. Here's the thing about it. You cannot talk about how handsome you are because that will show people how ugly you are inside. No, I was saying there was maybe a way of putting in a digital piece of wear. Here's what you do. Embedding a virus of our faces somehow. Here's what you do. This is something I learned in school.

The joke is not sold by the teller. The joke is sold by the reaction. Right. When someone does a crazy fall, it's not the impact that makes it laugh. It's that take afterwards, that, oh, I just fell take that makes the laugh. So what you need to do is bring in someone to just chime in, preferably in a sultry way. But anything will do. Just chime in from time to time.

Great point. Very handsome. Couldn't I just do that on a fucking soundbite like all the other people do? Yeah, put it on a 360 machine, one of those audio boards. Put me in the retard. Someone's going to have to do it initially, though.

It's the Sunday shitstorms. Here, hold on. Everybody be quiet for a second good point very handsome hold on good point very handsome use that that's open that's an open good point that's an open snare for you i just gave that to you dj premiere style i love that dj premier that's talking about primo that's we're talking about primo right now this wrap-up we're talking about basically as i see it you guys are the nygs of podcasting um we love the show that we do i think i think podcasting is a funny thing because the term in no way really denotes for the majority

of what i've seen any of the people that are involved in the genre it doesn't seem like it suits most of the people regardless of how different everyone's speeds are. It is the thing that I think is both glorious and utterly just, you know, infuriating about it. And the concept that it's free is also incredible and yet also totally infuriating because people can't seem to navigate through supporting something that's free because it still seems like insurmountable. But I think conceptually what it is that we're, we're doing that we're all trying to do here is something that I think is very, very important.

And, and you're building a fractal right now. I want you to know that I'm eating, I'm both eating and building fractals as, as regularly as possible at this point, digesting as much, as much, uh,

as much, uh, I Ching information as possible. No, um, I, you're saving up for a J-O sesh. Huge, but like a monster J-O sesh.

You gotta save up. If you want a really good one, you gotta save it up for a few days. Tantric nut busting, yes. But there was a point I was trying to make and I can't remember what it was. Let me ask you a question. This is about you guys being so handsome.

Oh, God. Facebook.com forward slash A-A-D. There's a lot of people out there who have heard your voices because they know about your popular podcast, iadude. And they can hear us saying something like, for example, great point, very handsome. But they might need something concrete, evidence to get them in the bone zone. Pictures of my cock. So there's two possibilities here. Number one is cock pics.

All right. Number two is, is there a way that people could confirm visually, on site, live in person? At least on the East Coast. At least. They're asking us to plug the show. Bare minimum, eastern seaboard eastern sea so if we're just technically on the east coast on october 17th doing a live show in williamsburg at a place called public assembly let's just say for example i'm just going to

give you a what if what if you guys were doing a show october 17th at public assembly in williamsburg brooklyn then technically you could probably get into the bone zone with me and lock eyes and we could do some proper FaceTime. Right. You know, I think I think, yeah.

I think I'm very flattered. Let's just talk about the fact that there's far too much time talking about us being handsome. Facebook.com forward slash uh yeah dude that's two H's on that is two H's so there's two choices the first is if you're on the

eastern seaboard of course October 17th you're going to want to go to the public public assembly myopenbar.com has helped us put it together there's going to be some free booze in the early part of the evening. There's going to be some DJs. We'll do the show.

The show will also be being filmed, and then there'll be DJs afterwards. But if you go to Facebook.com slash YeahDude, that's where you're going to get your cockpicks. Actually, your cockpicks from Facebook, real actual information about the show and or the forums and how to listen to our show on our website, YeahDude.com.com it's always a joy i've got an action item for this week's program shoot what's that uh when do you need your power jam when do you need your power jam when have you

busted out your power jam when have you flipped it out in your mind and kicked it up to 10 um this is an action item for our listeners. It's for the callers. If you guys can answer, that's great. But this is just for the listeners. 206-984-4FUN, of course, is our number here. I'd like to answer from my own head, if not really out loud. I'd like to take a minute.

Okay, just work on it. Chew on it. Jordan, I've got a big announcement. I'm making it here on Jordan Jesse Go. Wow. Because Jordan Jesse go is where... I was molested by a Scientologist preschool teacher. And in said molestation, there was a song in my head, but I was a young man, so I don't know if I had really wrapped my head, hands, or mouth around...

Was this a Scientologist preschool, or just a teacher who was a Scientologist at the preschool? Scientology preschool. preschool or just a teacher who was a scientologist at the preschool um scientology yes yeah just i'm thinking like were you in a pyramid was the building shaped like a pyramid yes okay the sign the bed that they were in was shaped like a pyramid bed it's a pyramid was anyone wearing a naval uniform everyone okay excellent yeah okay uh a big announcement jordan yeah and this is for people who listen to the Sound of Young America. I love them to death, but they're dilettantes. They're dilettantes. The hardcore is here on Jordan Jesse.

If I'm not mistaken. Sure. There's no fair weather fans on this audio stream. We're rolling out some serious shit right now. You want to talk about what this shit is? I don't even know what this shit is i don't even know what this shit is number one october 12th okay monday october 12th coming up tickets go on sale for max fun con to the general public general public ticket sales for max fun con we've got uh

i just talked to the bammer maria bamford she's gonna be back i talked to uh julia crookston she's gonna be teaching cooking class again we're're kicking out Maximum Style Fun at MaxFunCon next year, May 7th through 9th. Tickets go on sale on October 12th. Now, you're saying to me, Jordan, you're giving me this look like that's all you've got. That's all you've got? That's all you've got. No, sir. Because on October 5th—

Jordan, wake up. I thought that was all you had. Sorry, no. I got more. October 15th— I should stay awake then. thought that was all you had. Sorry, no. I got more. October 15th. Stay awake, then. A little thing called the Max Fun Store is opening. Holy shit.

Wow. Number one, we're going to have mustache TVs. Number two, we're going to have several sweet New Sound of Young America T-shirts. Number three, we're going to have Maximum Fun polo shirts designed by yours truly. And this is the good shit, Jordan. Yeah. I'm not fucking around on any of this. None of this American apparel bullshit.

None of this Hanes Husky Tees bullshit. I'm talking about premium quality products. Beefy Tees. I'm not talking about Beefy Tees. I'm talking about premium quality, alternative apparel, spend $30 for it in a store, or buy it with a beautiful design on it from MaxFun for less. I'm talking about the good shit, the fine quality. You know I don't fuck around, Jordan.

I don't fuck around with this kind of stuff. I've never known you to fuck around. October 15th, the MaxFun store is opening at Topatico.com. T-O-P-A-T-O-C-O. And we'll have a link on MaximumFun.org, of course. So happy to be rolling with our opening at Topatico.com. T-O-P-A-T-O-C-O. And we'll have a link on MaximumFun.org of course. So happy to be rolling with our people at Topatico. I had to put in a special request. I said, look,

I'm not fucking around with beefy tees. I'm not fucking around with American apparel. I want the good shit. Alternative apparel. Softest tees only. Special request. People tell us every day. People tell us about the Jordan Jesse Go t-shirts that we made last year on the alternative apparels. They tell us, I get fucked so much more when I'm wearing these.

Constant fucking. Actually, that means grifted. That means actually like, yeah, you got shit gets taken off of my physical person at all times. I'm getting jacked. I'm getting jacked at malls. When you're wearing a t-shirt that fine you look like you're a member of the gentry the landed gentry and if you're gonna grift someone you want to grift a member of the gentry they've got what it takes to take what they've got yes okay

um that's october 15th and uh hold on the trifecta, gentlemen. My God. The trifuckingfecta. A third thing? Here in Los Angeles, in the Los Angeles area, October 30th, which is the Friday night before Thanksgiving, the launch of a little project called Put This On. You may have heard about this show, Jordan, Put This On. It's a video series that Lonely Sandwich from You Look Nice Today, a.k.a. Adam Lissagor and I, are putting together about men's style and fashion and how to be like a grown-up,

how to live your life like a grown-up. Get rid of your banda outsiders short pants. Get rid of your marijuana motif Hawaiian shirts. We're talking about looking and feeling like a grown-up, the power jam of sartorial elegance. We're having a launch party October 30th at a beautiful store in Pasadena called Rising Sun, where we did one of the segments of our show.

It's going to be great. Dan Wally, who makes the music for The Sound of Young America, is going to be there on the Wheels of Steel, lending a cool party atmosphere, I hope. We'll probably have some adult beverages for everyone to consume. We're going to have a special T-shirt that Rising Sun is going to make for us, a special Put This On T-shirt. It's going to be a fucking blowout jam. I know that in perspective, I'm not trying to put your thing in Brooklyn, make it seem small in comparison to our amazing announcements.

It's just how it worked out. Just how it happens. It's just how it happened. That's why I wanted to get you to put yours out there first so people can be like, oh, shit, some heavy shit is going down in this closing segment. And then they're like, oh, double oh snap shits. There's double oh shit happening.

Right, exactly. We're looking for people. I think right there in the audience right now where i could describe this where is this event october 30th they're looking at rising sun in pasadena okay this is a store with a leather floor gentlemen technically you could get a leather floor a leather floor i think you should attend each of these events i like leather dentures you do use leather dentures leather dentures i think are pimp that's i think it's

better than grills or anything that's called get like if you got like that's pre-revolutionary shit you just had louis dentures that'd be tight with the monogram you're talking about people would want to uh smell your mouth smell your because people love uh leather smell i love leather minor minor air mace but it's fine if you go lou Louis, then... Fendi, Hermes, or Louis. Those are your... Those are the top three... If you do MCM, I'm going to kick you in the head. ...hide dentures.

206-984-4FUN, when do you kick out your power jams? Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design. Of course, the gentleman from Uh, Yeah, Dude. You can find Uh, Yeah, Dude in your iTunes podcast directory or online at uhydude.com. A is U-H-H. Jonathan and Seth, thank you so much for being here. What a joy to have you.

Thank you so much for having us. Thank you so much. It was awesome. It was great, right? These guys are winners. Yeah, top notch. It felt like we'd be together again for the first time. Yeah, absolutely.

Brother from another mother? No. Okay, I went too far. I went too far. Maybe next episode. We'll see. No. Okay. I went too far. I went too far. Maybe next episode. We'll see. I'm sorry. I get excited.

We'll talk to you next week on Jordan, Jesse, Josh. See you, folks.