Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 114: Burlington Coat Factory

Episode Date: October 29, 2009

Jesse & Jordan are LIVE with The Monsters of Podcasting in New York & Philadelphia, with guest Jim Gaffigan.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, andy, tw York City, America's greatest city and another city in America. Let's go.

Welcome to this week's Jordan Jesse Go. It's me, Jesse, here in the studio rolling solo for this week's program. But that's okay because I've got Jordan using a time machine. This week, recordings from our brief mini-tour with the Monsters of Podcasting. We hit up the Philly Fringe Festival in Philadelphia thanks to the Philly Improv Theater, The Fit. It was very nice, a beautiful little theater. We had a packed house and we talked a lot about Philadelphia stuff. Then we went on to the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York City. Both of these, of course, with our friends in the wonderful, hilarious podcast, You Look Nice Today, which you should really check out and enjoy. So without any

further ado, I guess I'll close this little introduction and open up the entertainments. Ladies and gentlemen, now coming to the stage, our good friends, Jordan and Jesse with their great show, Jordan and Jesse, go! There you go! Under the locks and throw away the keys And take coffee shots and tux and hum you La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Just some of our classic comic cavorting Trying to move a desk

Jordan, you ready to get these people pumped? Oh, yes, I am Let's do it Ready, steady? Okay Four more years Four more years Four more years

Four more years Oh, great to be here That feels nice Four more years. Four more years. Woo! Oh, great to be here. That feels nice. Great to be here at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. Good to be in NYC. Such a pleasure to be here. Rope it in, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. Great to be here at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York City.

Great to be in New York City. Me and Jordan were, we went to visit our friend Brian Heater at the PC Magazine After Dark podcast this morning. And we were walking back, walking back towards our hotel, standing at the corner, and this homeless guy is sort of like back behind our shoulder against the wall. We were about to cross the street. And he kind of goes, are you going to change or something? And we were like a little bit, we were far enough away

that it was cool to ignore him from my perspective. Jordan didn't even hear him, let's be clear. It was like, he could be talking to somebody else, I don't have to look around and tell him. And there's sort of a few seconds and I'm silent. And he goes, you look like a couple of computer nerds. You look like you're homeless. You don't have a lot going on. He goes,

why don't you hack into a computer? Sir, little do you know that I own an Acer laptop. And I have a $20 LG cell phone. So no, sir, you're wrong. I'm a Zelda nerd. If you would like to have an argument about Zelda continuity...

Jordan would. I could do that. Let's be clear. If you would like to have that, Jordan, too, would like to have that. I will leave the show to have that argument. I would rather do that. It's awesome, though. It's really cool I would rather do that. It's

awesome, though. It's really cool to be in New York. It's like... Oh, you know, best graffiti in the nation, I'm going to go ahead and say. Number one. On my way over here in the train station, I saw a poster for a Jamie Foxx Gerard Butler movie, and

the poster is just kind of their two faces looking intense. I forget the title of the film. Can I say something about that poster? Because I've seen that poster. In that poster, what's his name? Gerard Butler? Gerard Butler looks like he's about to kick some ass.

It's kind of Gerard Butler's thing. Jamie Foxx looks like he's trying to look like he wants to kick some ass, but actually he looks like he's about to cry. That's the thing about Jamie Foxx. He's erratic like that. You never know what he's going to do. You don't know what you're going to get.

You never know what you're going to get. But I saw, but someone had graffitied a word bubble coming out of Jamie Foxx's mouth that just said pizza. Like Jamie Foxx was just saying pizza. Like Jamie Foxx was just saying pizza. You know what I love about New York City, though, Jordan? I like how you feel like you're part of something,

like no matter where you are, like walking down the street in the subway, no matter what, you're sort of like an interchange between you and your surroundings. You know what I mean? You don't get that in L.A. L.A.'s a very sort of cloistered, you know, living in a

bubble type of city. One of the really cool things, I mean, me and Jordan have been talking about is how you guys know about street novels. This is like a guy comes up to you and tries to sell you a novel that he wrote um he just walks up to you and just like hands it to you and you're holding and he's like 10 bucks um and you're like get out of here john updyke yeah

i guess in this case for god's sake you just pissed your pants and it's always like it's a it's an urban novel thing i don't know like a like an iceberg slim type of situation for the 2000s like there's this guy called zane zane writes these steamy african-american romance novels that always involve like oh the one guy's too thuggish. It's sort of like a Tyler Perry movie, but in novel form. And these are like self-published. Like, you've got to admire people's hustle. They're self-published and they do their own copy editing, you can tell.

The whole nine yards. And me and Jordan were thinking, well, like, we don't let's be frank. Jordan and I don't have a lot of weight in the uh african-american community um we don't know the african-american experience and frankly like these guys have that well covered like yeah zane has you know be more careful uh which takes place in baltimore for example like that's covered they don't need us they don't need us. They don't need us. But, I mean, we do recognize this kind of specialized demo-targeted fiction is, it can be a great thing.

And it can be very important to people, especially, you know, in New York, you're traveling around the subway a lot. You want something to read, something that speaks to you. Right. And we're entrepreneurs, too. That's the other thing. We're nothing if not entrepreneurs. And we're nothing if we don't recognize the value of a niche audience. So we brainstormed. What we did for you guys

We're like Lionsgate in that way. Yeah. So we brainstormed some ideas for we worked up some ideas for some street novels of our own. And again, we're not that familiar with life on the street, so we just focused on... Stuff we know.

Exactly. So, for example, we wrote a book called Oxford Comma. This is set in Brooklyn. Do you want to tell people about the... Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I mean, this is for the young people from Brooklyn, from Greenpoint. People living in Brooklyn. Let's be clear, they're not from Brooklyn.

No, no, absolutely not. Living in Brooklyn.. People living in Brooklyn. They're not coming into the city. No, no, absolutely not. Living in Brooklyn. Young people living in Brooklyn. They're from Seattle. Right. But yeah, yeah, okay. Now, just here's the pitch, and I just want you guys to, you know,

let us know if this is something you might be interested in reading. She's an event planner who just moved to the big city from sleepy Portland, Oregon. After having her heart broken by ex-pavement frontman Stephen Malcomus, he's a guy who's really trying to get his shit together this year. The band, graphic design, maybe take a couple of improv classes. They meet at a loft party, hitting it off in a conversation about Vice magazine.

They used to like it, but now they don't like it. It just got too full of itself. Their first date is at a sunglass hut in a New Jersey mall where they buy his and hers Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses. But the road to love isn't smooth. He's an atheist, and she thinks there might be something out there somewhere. Maybe. There's a question

that needs to be answered here. Will their love of vintage keyboards carry them through? That's the book jacket. That's the dust jacket. That's sort of the, that's the pitch

that we're selling here. We wrote a Los Angeles one, too. We were thinking, well, we might as well go bike. Since we're bike, we live a bi-coastal lifestyle. Not to brag or anything.

We're basically like Maa tierney or whatever um live in new york shoot er in la um so this one is about la it's called west side story it's set on the set on the west side of los angeles and this one he's a guy who tells people that he works in development. And she's an aspiring actress who basically sweats desperation. They meet at a bar that has kind of a tiki thing going, but not really. On their first date, each of them yells out opinions about current movies

while the other one tunes them out. A rift comes between them when he announces that he wants to get into webisodes, and she says that her career aspirations are in mobisodes. So the question we ask is, will their shared passion for Bikram yoga keep them together? Or will their nightmarish self-absorption tear them apart? Also, is that Ryan Gosling over there? This one, actually, we just came back from Philly, Philadelphia.

Great city of Philadelphia. Yeah, and we thought that Philly could really use one of these. He's a guy from Philadelphia who loves hoagies. She's a gal from just outside Philly who also loves hoagies. They meet on the Rocky steps, they do the Rocky pose, and then they go to a Phillies game and get married.

We call that one No Fags Allowed. We actually wrote one about vampires. Vampires are very hot right now. Very hot. It's a very hot culture. Hot property. In this one, he's a vampire, and I don't think she's a vampire, but maybe she becomes one.

I'm not really sure. Anyway, all this stuff from Twilight happens, and all those people who bought Twilight buy the book. We call it Super Dracula. And this one, this is super niche. This is for dinosaurs. He's from the Cretaceous period,

but she is from the late Jurassic. They meet in a time machine operated by a brilliant but eccentric human scientist. She has to learn how to love, not just because of her abusive past, but because of her golf ball-sized brain. Periodically, he tries to eat her. They finally share their first kiss just as an asteroid is hitting the Earth or they evolve or something. It's called No Bones About It.

I actually... I actually wrote one. I bet there's a lot of Jordan Jesse Goh fans in here. You know where my interests lie. You always want to mine your passions for these things. So I wrote one that's targeted at members of the 1989 San Francisco Giants

it's called Hum Baby Believer late season call up left handed reliever Dennis Cook finds himself overwhelmed by the big leagues and he gets caught in a love triangle between National League MVP candidate Kevin Mitchell

and his true love, kindly 30-something backup catcher Terry Kennedy. Will stern taskmaster manager Roger Craig put the kibosh on their relationship? Or will he metaphorically teach it the metaphorical split-fingered fastball and metaphorically save it the metaphorical split-fingered fastball and metaphorically save its career, like he did so many pitchers in the mid to late 1980s.

And don't forget about the antics of clubhouse cut-up, utility man Ken Obergefell. Hum-baby believer is what that one's called. So yes, those are up. If any of you are interested. After the show,

we're going to have these posters for sale and the books. We're selling the books and what do you think? 15 bucks? $100. 80 bucks.

$80 each. 180. No bucks. No bucks at all. The books don't exist. Man, need to be here. one of the cool things about being here in new york is uh we had so many uh cool people we could invite to come be here with us um and uh we were really lucky to get this guest you might know him as one of the funniest uh stand-up comics

in the country uh or for his uh acting roles uh such as in the recent film, what's that called, Away We Go? Here We Go? Away We Go? Right? Yeah, okay, there you go. Away We Go. Please welcome to the stage our friend and one of the funniest guys in the business, Mr. Jim Gaffigan. I'm just going to bring you up to date, Jim. So far, we have abandoned our microphone stands.

Yes. If you want to make it look like a big metal dick, you can. Yes. I'm not going to tell you not to. This is helpful if I had a guitar, but I don't. You'd have a DI. You'd probably bring a DI. It's great to have you here, Jim Gaffigan.

You were just now... Do you like this talking straight to kids pose I'm doing? I know. Yeah, sure. Drugs seem cool. Yeah. But you know what's really cool is college.

There's lots of drugs at college. It's exhausting. Jim, you're a comedian, but you're also kind of a relatively serious actor for a comedian, I would say. Wow. You're not just a goof around and you live here in New York City yes as I understand it if you

live in New York City and you are an actor your primary acting outlet is gonna be the television program Law & Order yes it's it's definitely a rite of passage you know if you if you call yourself an actor in New York, people will always ask, have you done Law & Order? And if you haven't, they'll always look at you like, I wait tables too. So there is something.

It's definitely a rite of passage, and it's very fun, and it's the show that's been around longer than the country. They actually brought it over on the Mayflower. They did. They packed it up. It was called Law and Pilgrims.

It was called Yee Law. Do you think when they finished the Magna Carta, they heard dum-dum, Dum-dum. Thank you. Law and order joke, folks. Yes.

Have you ever done law and order? Weren't you just doing law and order? I was. I just did a law and order, which is very exciting, as we just put it in context. You seem excited, Jim. Don't freak out. I'm not normally this high energy. But, no, I love doing it.

And some of it is, there's very few acting situations for a comedian where you're not kind of like telling a blowjob joke in an acting scenario. So it's like to play a murderer or someone who's had someone that's related to you murdered. You actually get to act.

Normally in most shows, I'm just going in saying, I gotta go. I've got diarrhea. You know? And like, most acting opportunities, I'm a character actor,

which is code for not attractive. I literally get the Matthew McConaughey's not-so-good-looking friend, and it'll be in the script, and I'm like, oh, I hope I get this job. I hope I can play the slightly retarded buddy. One time I went in for an audition. A note to casting directors out there,

don't ask handsome, buff love interest and schlubby best friend to come in at the same time because then we'll get excited that we're handsome male lead and then when we find out we're schlubby best friend, we'll feel like shitheads. Yes, I've definitely had agents tell me, yeah, you didn't get it. They went with the good-looking guy.

I'm like, oh, that's all right. I'm just going to go and pull out my crack pipe for a little bit. But I've been doing it long enough, so it's not that big of a deal. I think it's about framing and perception. I think when you go in for that role, like the Matthew McConaughey's less good-looking friends, just go in and say, look, I know when you go in for that role, like the Matthew McConaughey's less good-looking friends, just go in and say,

look, I know what you're thinking, but I'm willing to wear a fat suit or ugly up a bit, wear some makeup, whatever you need to make me less good-looking. Yes. You've got to be a team player, and that's an important step to take. What was your role in Law & Order?

I actually played the guy who killed Dick Wolf. No. I think you sign something where you can't talk about it. I do play, you know how it's always torn from the headlines. Right. This one has to do with reality shows.

Very hot right now. There's it's like but it's I play someone who has a lot of children who is a husband and I'm Asian.

So you know. So it's kind of that thing. And then you know there's all these twists and turns. And, you know, the detectives are always talking to someone who has an activity during the scene, even though they're being interviewed by the police. They're like, I'd talk to you with eye contact, but I need an activity. Right. So I got to do this loading dock. Yeah. That's what you do. You do a loading dock.

You're a suspect. I'm not a blue collar guy, but you do this loading dock. Yeah. That's what you do. You do a loading dock, right? You're a suspect. I'm not a blue-collar guy, but you do a loading dock. You're a suspect. In a murder case, you'd think you'd stop stocking those shelves. You're putting stickers on the shelves and whatnot. Yeah. It's fun, though.

That's been fun, right, Jordan? Yes. That was really a lot of fun. You know what? We didn't just laugh. We also learned a lot. That was a great show, right? Yes, it was.

Thanks to our friend Jim Gaffigan for being up here. Absolutely. It was an honor. Thank you. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys.

And take off your shoes and socks and run you. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Four more years! Four more years! Four more years! Four more years! Good work! Good work! Great to be here in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania! Yeah! Pennsylvania. They were applauding as I did such a good job saying the name of the place where they live.

It is wonderful to be here. They recognize it as their hometown. Yeah. We're having a lovely time so far. I did the Sound of Young America last night. Great time. Staying in a lovely, fancy hotel. It's always a pleasure to stay in a fancy hotel.

It is. I knew it was a good... I'll It is. I knew it was a good, I'll tell you how I knew it was a good hotel. Open up the curtains, look out the window. What do I see? Burlington Coat Factory. That's a good standard. Here's the thing.

Oh, you know what I have in my view? I have a Chili's. So, yeah. This is what I do, Jordan. I'm just going to, I let you in on this. If you guys, if this gets out of this room I'm gonna be steamed in a half

um this is what I do if I'm going to a new city I don't know this city they ask me where do you wanna stay I just say put me by the

Burlington Goat Factory because number one I know it's gonna be a good neighborhood well number two if you ruin the clothes you brought with you at Chili's

You can just go to the Burlington Coat Factory Exactly Get a whole thing Let's say it's super cold You just go in there You say, I'm covered in wing sauce What can you give me comparable to this? I'm from Los Angeles, Jordan, as you know

And let's say I get to a city It turns out to be really cold I don't have a good coat to wear No I can go to the Burlington Coat Factory. You've got swim trunks and a half shirt. But you're from Los Angeles. You're just cruising around in your swim trunks and your half shirt.

But, Jordan. Yes. Let's say I didn't bring any pants. Well, good news. Burlington Coat Factory is more than just great coats. But hold on, Jesse. The name is Burlington Coat Factory. I know.

Where do they keep this other stuff? I know. They've got all the brands. I'm talking about FUBU. Cross colors. Carl Connie. Carl Connie didn't get as much recognition there. I thought it was a good capper, but it wasn't.

I think I kind of squeezed the last drop with cross colors. Yeah, mine was probably a good capper, frankly, for maybe if we were at a Frankie Beverly featuring Maze concert, or if we were at a Guy concert. These are all kind of apres jokes right here. After jokes. You were sleeping this morning when we were out sightseeing. Yeah, yeah.

I've been a little stuffy lately. You can't tell. He's getting better. So, yes, I had a nice sleep in. Me and Nick White, our recordist producer, and the You Look Nice Today guys went out to that Benjamin Franklin Museum. How'd that go? This is, I think Merlin said when we were down, and it's an underground museum, he said that this is like a museum in The Simpsons. I think that's a fair characterization.

It's kind of a, more of a sad parody of a museum than a museum. There's, okay, I'll tell you what it is. It's Benjamin Franklin's house, only Benjamin Franklin, his house, they tore it down in like 1802. And so they just have

the outline of his house, which is frankly kind of evocative. I mean, it's kind of a lovely thing that they, but it's a nice idea since they tore it down. But what they have

is they have one of those, you know how sometimes there'll be like a tiled floor and they have like little quotes inscribed into the into the bricks you know what i mean sort of like a like a like if a ballpark has the sponsor's names and the bricks or you're like on the martin luther king i have a dream walk and each thing is like one inspirational thing it's like that it has these bricks in in the house that are inscribed with quotations from Benjamin Franklin's letters. But all of the quotations are just about the house. So it's just like one of the quotations is like, well.

It was brown. Yeah. They're like. Benjamin Franklin. We have decided to build a staircase that we might access the second story or like the draft persists the the the other notable like the other notable thing that they have there is like the only things that are marked in this space is like the original markings is they have the houses and then they have these huge stone like ground level obelisks

marking privy pits huge like six foot across is that like a bathroom benjamin franklin shat here yeah like it's a hole for a toilet hole I don't know who these historians are that were like I know how to make history come alive I'll describe the bricks in the oven and then I'll mark the shitholes you know it's funny you mention Benjamin Franklin yeah god yeah I haven't brought this up this might not be the time but but certainly the place. Okay. It's probably not the time, but go ahead.

I really like Philadelphia. Philadelphia has been great. I mean, granted, I've spent most of the time... No, no, thank you, thank you. It's a beautiful city, capital of Delaware. Granted, I've spent most of my time in the hotel room, but I just, I don't know, I just get a vibe. I get a sense here. So I think I'm just going to, like, hang up what I've been doing in L.A. and make the move.

To Philadelphia? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you say hang up what you've been doing in L.A., are you talking about Fuel and Jordan Jesse's? Yeah, yeah, no, the podcast, the, you know, the really successful TV career. Seems like kind of a shitty time to tell me. No, yeah, yeah, but I don't know. So we have like 20 minutes more on stage. Yeah, so this can just kind of be the goodbye show.

Why do you want to move to Philadelphia? Here's the thing. Here's the plan. And I haven't hashed out the particulars. I haven't made myself a budget yet. But kind of here's where I'm going. Okay. Historical reenactments.

Philadelphia, a huge historical reenactment town and I think I can get a piece of that pie. I have a lot of like performance experience. I have a love of history. I didn't know that you even had a love of history. No, no, no. I totally have a love of history.

I'm like real into it. That's like the fifth or sixth thing that I'm into the most. You're thinking of video games. No, U.S. history. And I think I have a future as a Benjamin Franklin reenactor. And just while you

guys were at the museum, I was kind of cobbling together a little something. I thought that maybe you could look at it and maybe our Philly audience who is, you know, constantly just immersed in history 24-7. Super live in history, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. I thought maybe you guys, can you guys have a look at this? This is real, this is real. You really want to do a historical review? Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

And I just want you to give me some notes. And yeah, and I think that I can hit it spot on. I mean, I'm definitely going to be like, you know, a little bit of a younger Benjamin Franklin, but I think that I can hit it spot on. I mean, I'm definitely going to be a little bit of a younger Benjamin Franklin, but I think I'll grow into it. And I think I'll have just a real unique take on the character. Your hair is a little bit wig-like.

Sure, absolutely. Okay, so you guys will bear with me. Okay, I guess Jordan is going to do his own historical reenactment. I'm frankly upset because I thought the podcast was going well for us. Relative. He says no. He says no it's not. He's got a briefcase there. Like a floppy.

Not strictly a Benjamin Franklin costume. a Benjamin Franklin costume. Hello, everyone. I'm Benjamin Franklin. Jordan. Jordan. What?

I don't mean to stop you. Sorry. I know you've just started, but is that your costume? Yeah, this is pretty much it. Well, I don't think Benjamin Franklin would wear that. I mean, you're wearing like a Gilligan hat, and you're carrying a vinyl briefcase. I don't think vinyl was even invented until like 1960. This was a time before photography.

We have no way of knowing what they would have worn. No way of knowing. So it's all up to interpretation. And this is my interpretation. Like etchings. We have etchings and drawings, paintings. I just don't buy them. I don't know.

I don't believe etchings. There's thousands of them. How accurate can an etching be? There's literally thousands of them. Yeah, but really? Etchings? I don't know. Okay, just show me the act.

Show me the act. Hello, America. Okay, number two. I have't know. Okay, just show me the act. Show me the act. Hello, America. Okay, number two. I have another concern. It's the voice you're using. It doesn't strike me as a Benjamin Franklin-y voice. Yeah, but again, there were no recordings of the time. We have no way of knowing what they sounded like.

While that is technically true, I think it would have been noted in the historical record if Ben Franklin talked like that. Listen, I did a lot of... I took a lot of things into account. I think it would have been noted in the historical record if Ben Franklin talked like that. Listen, I took a lot of things into account. I took region, diet, heat. I took a lot of things into account when crafting this voice.

Can I hear the voice one more time? How does the voice sound? No, that's wrong. That's completely wrong. The historical record... The historical record... There would be a part of the Constitution that said Benjamin Franklin agreed to all this in his stupid voice. In his stupid voice. Sorry if you also thought that Jim Carrey's performance in Man on the Moon was stupid, because that's exactly the amount of preparation that I've done for this. The same as he did for that, I did for this.

I don't think that's true, but can you just... Can I finish? Look, if I let you finish, will you come and do the rest of the podcast with me? Noted. You don't like the voice.

Okay, go ahead. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go. I'm listening for content. You did this research. The year was 1776. America was speeding towards independence

like O.J. Simpson in a white Bronco. Jordan, you know that O.J. Simpson was like 1995 or something, right? No, I don't. They like it when you throw in a little topical humor. This isn't comedy traffic school, Jordan. First of all, comedy traffic School is a very delicate art and I'm taking some principles from Comedy Traffic School and applying it to my historical reenactment.

Jordan, do me one favor, okay? I'm not going to get into this O.J. Simpson thing because I feel like I'd be digging a hole that I couldn't get myself back up out of. If I let you do the grand finale... People love O.J. Jones. Do you have a grand finale?

Yeah, yeah. If I let you do the grand finale, can we do the rest of the show? Yes, that's fine. Okay, go ahead. Jordan Morris as a stupid talking

Benjamin Franklin in a Gilligan hat. In conclusion, ask gas or grass. Nobody rides for free. I'm Benjamin Jefferson, America's first postmaster general. You've ruined America, Jordan. Ruined America and all she stands for, Jordan.

Well, you'll be eating your words when I'm on the cover of Historical Reenactor Weekly. If you give me a copy of a magazine with that title, I will eat it, literally. I will literally eat it. And it also has a nude spread, too, so what do you think about that? It's going to be me and my bifocals.

And of course my famous dick. He did have a famous dick. That part is true. He was a famous coxswain. Jordan, how do you like Philadelphia so far? I mean, I'm moving here, as was the premise of that last bit, so yeah, I like it. By that last bit, you mean that surprise that you sprung on me, right? Yeah, no, I love it.

Although, there's some things that I can't quite wrap my head around. Are you in agreement with me? I feel exactly the same way. There's some things that I can't quite wrap my head around. Are you in agreement with me? I feel exactly the same way. There's some things that are kind of baffling. I feel like I'm in a New York that's 20% wrong, and I don't understand that 20% at all. At all. Do you guys all live in... It's like one of the animated movies of Don Bluth.

It's like, this is almost right. Cool World is a good example. Rockadoodle. This is not quite right. Something is off about this. Land before time, anyone. But are you guys, do you guys almost,

how many people actually live in Philadelphia? Is anybody out there a Philadelphia native? Philadelphia natives? Born and raised. Nick and Paul, could you think you could turn on the house lights for a second? Raise your hand if you're a Philadelphia native.

We actually want to bring two Philadelphians up here. There are prizes here. There's some prizes involved. This young lady here with the striped shirt is my selection. Can you come down and... Yeah, yeah, I need one too. Does anybody want to come up for a chance to win a prize? I got glasses in the back.

Get up here. Come on, glasses. Thanks. Thank you so much. This is going to be real brief. Please indulge us. We're just going to... I know that you're feeling like they brought us up here.

I didn't know when I volunteered. But it's good news. There are macaroons. We've got these macaroons these are for our volunteers here you could win as many as four macaroons or as few as zero macaroons uh hey what's your what's your name sir sir? Just talk right into that microphone Jesse Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Jordan

Pull it between your legs like it was a wiener Just right in, get it right in there No, no, no Not up in between That's, he took it literally And so Dot, dot, dot Okay, so this is Jesse over here?

Yes, this is Jesse Okay, that'll be good. This is going to get confusing. That's a nice name. Lovely. What's your name, ma'am? My name is Kate. Kate.

I picked a cute girl. You just picked some dude. I picked a sweet punk rock dude. Look, he has his own jorts. He made his own jorts. Jordan. He has Kang and Kodos from The Simpsons tattooed on his ankle. So, yeah, I mean, you know, you've got a foxy lady,

but me and this sweet dude are probably going to grab some brews afterwards. What do you think? This is what we need you guys to do, and we will be awarding macaroons on the basis of how well you fulfill this task. We have a few things that we want to know what is the deal with them. And you guys, as Philadelphians and Philadelphia natives, all we ask of you is that you tell us what is the deal with that. Jordan, am I starting or are you? You want me to go in? Actually, yeah, go ahead. You can start.

I'll start with one. Okay, on this street downtown where we're staying, there are these crazy steam vents. They're coming out of the ground with weird hats on them, and steam is pouring out of them. Pouring out of the bottom, the top. It leads me to believe that Philadelphia is steam-powered. Our current theory is that the cars that we see on the streets

may be cable cars powered by a steam engine, or perhaps there's a hydraulic system under Philadelphia. So what is the deal with the steam vents that make the whole city look like, you know, the set of a noir film or something? Either of you guys can jump in on this. We have a large homeless

population and we need to keep them warm. Okay. Homeless warm. Okay. Lies is okay. That's fine. I'm willing to accept lies. It doesn't help us understand Philly any better, but I mean... Do you have any explanation for this? I do know it's either

the subway car that goes about four blocks, or it's probably the evil. Okay. Just pure evil rocketing out of the room. That's what you would call a physical manifestation of evil. Yes.

It's a sort of ethereal Mephistopheles. Jordan, do you have one there? What is the deal with the Amish, particularly the one that was selling fudge today? Is that a real

Amish person? Is that a Mennonite? They're Mennonites. It was a former podcaster that relocated. Amish person? Yeah, is it real? Is that a Mennonite? They're Mennonites. What is a Mennonite? It was a former podcaster that relocated. It's to go from a religious thing. Yes. This Amish had braces, which

seems wrong for an Amish. Seems like braces would be considered wicked. And also, fudge seems like it would be considered wicked. Fudge seems very definite. It seems like they would ban fudge. Also, aren't they busy building barns? Isn't that what they do? I don't know.

Also, amongst the normals, the non-Amish, is it considered a badge of honor if you can sleep with one? If you fucking Amish. Yeah, is that a thing? Person. Either of you. I think that you can sleep with one. If you fucking Amish. Is that a thing? Person. Either of you. I think that you can. There's a whole TV show about the Amish people. Because they have that thing.

Yeah, the thing. But the people you're talking about are Mennonites because they can drive cars and get braces and apparently can't go shopping. But they still have to wear their costumes. Outfits. Garb. Crazy clothes. Traditional. They're crazy. They have to wear the costumes. Yeah. Outfits. Yeah. Garb. Crazy clothes.

Traditional. They're crazy. They have to wear their crazy clothes out. The ones Jesus told them to wear. Yes. Okay. Okay. That's fair.

That's fair enough. Fair enough. Okay. Here's a question for you guys. Something that we don't understand. Why do people get so upset if you call a hoagie anything besides a hoagie like if you call it a submarine sandwich or a grinder like many other people you guys pure incorrectness yes so a lot of there's a lot of lifestyles thoughts on the hoagie she's right you're wrong okay uh, fair enough. Here is mine.

Sub-question A to mine, actually, before we get to that. Oh, sure, sure, sure. How come everyone's so angry at me all the time? Especially the white people. The black people are not as angry at me. They're quite friendly to me. There's two days of experience. But the whites, yes, they're disappointed that I am patronizing their business.

You're probably calling whatever you're buying the wrong thing i shouldn't have worn that t-shirt that says submarine sandwich and then with an arrow pointing down to your tip that will that mistake one i was just trying to meet some mennonite chicks i don't know what they're into it's a room springer I was just trying to meet some Mennonite chicks, dude. I don't know what they're into. It's a room springer. You got one there, Jordan? My thing that I didn't understand,

I've seen two instances of this, and it blew my mind. Adorable homeless. Now, I saw these two homeless, couldn't have been more than 20, a guy and a gal, we got some facial piercings, we got some My Chemical Romance haircuts. But just cute as a button. They had a sign. They just want to take them home with you. They had a sign that says, not druggies, not junkies, just hungries.

You could rocket these kids right up a Diablo Cody movie and they would not look out of place. At that point, once they have that sign, they might as well wear those little yellow bandanas that say adopt me on them. And then, you know, I saw just another cute kind of folksy

looking couple cuddling in the subway. I don't know. Adorable homeless. What's the deal? Probably traveler, train hopper people. Like a train hopper? Yeah. The worst part is when they have animals.

They don't belong here, you know. If they're not angry, they're probably not from Philadelphia. They're what Philadelphians call grinder people. So they're probably from like a Vermont or a Maine. We don't really say that word. Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. Parents probably had money and this is their backlash. Okay, this is a homeless by choice situation is what you're saying.

Gotcha. Okay, well, I actually have a question. Yeah, shoot. This is another, I don't, you know, explain this to me. What's the deal? Every person I ask to introduce me to former Philadelphia Phillies closer Mitch Wild Thing Williams refuses categorically. Every single person. And I don't understand.

He seems like a friendly guy. You know, it's a small town. Listen, you didn't live here in 1993. That was... I still hurt. I still hurt. That's fair. Jordan, you got any more? One more thing. I don't want to say

people here have a disregard, but maybe more of a disinterest in the continuity of The Legend of Zelda universe. When I checked into my hotel room, I simply asked the concierge if she thought that Majora's Mask was a direct sequel to Ocarina of Time,

and she just kept checking me in, like, I was talking to you. So what's the deal, Philadelphia? This has happened a lot of times Not just at the hotel Yeah, at the museums, at the shops At the porno theater I got nothing there

Zelda's great, I don't know They're fucking up There's nothing It's inexplicable, just like Philadelphia That's how I would summarize it. Someone just yelled out Final Fantasy VII. All right. Incorrect.

You want to talk about Sephiroth after the show. Incorrect. The correct thing to yell out, Herzog Svi. Herzog Svi. We also have accepted Secret of Mana. We also would have accepted Secret of Mana. Also, just so you know, I would have accepted Lenny Nails Dykstra. Lenny Nails Dykstra.

So what do you think? So we got these two competitors and four macaroons. I think two and two. Two and two? I think they did equally good. No, because he made a joke. He made a couple jokes at the beginning before he smartened up. He has a Simpsons-related tattoo.

Give the guy a couple macaroons, asshole. I think two and a half macaroons for her and one and a half macaroons for him. You fine with that? One and a half macaroons? Okay, here we go. With your filthy hands. There's your macaroons. Hold up your hands. There you go. There's your hangover. Hold up your hands. There you go.

There's the macaroon. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Go ahead and find your seats. It was kind of you. It was kind of you to join us here on the stage. It is nice to be in Philadelphia. Yeah, isn't it, though?

Come on. Can I ask you a question about Philadelphia? This is a sincere question about Philadelphia. What is the Liberty Bell? I know it has a crack in it and I saw it, but I have no idea what it's for. Or even from.

Nothing? I don't know. I think I'm working on theories. My current working theory is that it symbolizes the 1970s logo of the Philadelphia 76ers and the legendary Julius Irving. Dr. J. And I think that it celebrates Philly's love of loud noises.

Clanging and so on. Sure. Clanging. A clatter. Sure. They like a good clatter. Did you say, do they like a yuck-em-up? It's hard to say.

I haven't been here long enough. Yeah, that doesn't mean anything, so it's harder to... It is harder to decide what it's for. Well, it's really been fun to be up here with all of you guys. Of course, we also have... We don't mean to suggest that was $15 worth of entertainment. Look. Because it sure as fuck wasn't.

In fact, I'm going to be honest, because there's got to be a hundred... We owe you guys each 40 cents. Yeah, we got 100, 150 people here, and at a buck apiece, I don't think I got that kind of scratch right now. We owe you money right now. We've had a lot of fun with kind of jokes and stories tonight. But there's actually a really serious reason that we're here. And we actually wanted to ask your help with something very important.

Are you guys willing to give us a hand just by... No? Yes. I know that you guys came here for a comedy show, and that's great. We actually came here for a comedy show, and that's great. We actually came here for a different reason. Hey, Jordan, are you anywhere backstage? What? Sorry, I...

What? Jordan, do you think there's any way... Do you think there's any way you could come out here? Were you just, I'm sorry, did I? Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Jordan, why don't you use this microphone here. Come on out.

I'm sorry to put you in this position. What's up? We're doing a curtain call kind of thing? Again, quick, quick, you know, by applause, who here loves Jordan? Who here really? Who's here? This is nice.

Thanks, guys. Who's here because they really care? Who cares about Jordan? I do. I do. We do. This is sweet. It's not even my birthday. Thank you. That's very nice. Who's been hurt by Jordan?

I have. I have. We have. Jordan. What are you guys doing? This is an intervention. Since you've been here in Philadelphia, you've become addicted to hoagies. What? I don't...

Addicted to what? I don't even know... What's a bogey? Jordan. I don't even know what that is. Jordan, how many hoagies have you eaten in the last 48 hours? You don't remember because you can't count. No, I can count.

Jordan, how many hoagies? I blacked out, okay? Jordan? I don't know. It could be zero. It might be as high as 90. Jordan. You just got out of your post-show shower, am I correct?

Yeah. All you're wearing is that robe, am I right? Yeah, I was just showering Jordan, do you have any hoagies on you right now? Jordan, do you have any hoagies on you? I have one hoagie, yes, one hoagie There, ah, hoagie, ah, hoagie One This is what we're going to do, Jordan Ah, hoagie. Ah, hoagie. One.

This is what we're going to do, Jordan. We're all here, as I mentioned, because we love you. We are going to, each of us, share one instance where your addiction to hoagies has hurt not just you, but also us. I'll start. I went to the hoagie store yesterday. And I bought two hoagies. The first hoagie was for me. The second hoagie was for a cousin of mine who lives in the Bay Area

who's very, very ill. His last wish was that he be able to eat one real Philadelphia hoagie. You know what my little dying cousin is going to get? A note that says, I owe you one hoagie signed Jordan Morris. In my defense, you should have written on the wrapper or put a note on it or something that says, for a dying kid. You could have written a note.

Jordan, this time is for you. For a dying kid. That's three words, and then I know it's for a kid who's dying. This time is not for you to talk. This time is for you to listen. Scott, it looks like you've got a story. Well, first of all, you know I love you. We all love you.

Yeah, and whatever. I love you a lot. I love you a little bit more than he does. Well, we'll let the boners speak for us later. I'm sorry. I overcompensate with jokes. Listen. I have a really powerful boner, but a small dick, so it's hard to tell.

That's called slugging percentage. You remember when I asked you to babysit my son. Yeah, sure. I needed a couple extra bucks. Thank you. And you came through. Do you remember what happened to him? Do you remember the one thing that I told you he was allergic to?

Yeah, going out by the pool. No, it's hoagies. He's allergic to hoagies. Jordan. What did he... Did you give a child a hoagie? No. No.

No. No. Here's what happened. Here's what happened. Here's what happened. He stole it from me. Listen to yourself, Jonathan. Your child is a thief,

and you know what? I'm sorry he's dead, but like... He had a thieving gene. One of his genes was the thieving gene. What? What?

Why am I an asshole? Adam is your friend, and he loves you, and he's gonna tell you how your addiction has hurt him Jordan, I don't actually know you that well so I'm able to tell you what none of these other people will tell you is that you get one hoagie in you

and you're fine, you're bearable at a party I think it makes me more fun granted, maybe a half a hoagie or something. You know, just wet the whistle or something. But you get two hoagies in you, and you get a little bit annoying. You repeat yourself. Three at a party, and you're pretty much intolerable at that point. I mean, I know you think it makes you clever or it makes everybody

like you. We don't like you. You just start talking about the usual suspects and you won't stop talking about the usual suspects. Right, oh yeah, like you're the first person who has made the connection between the Smurfs and like a communist

colony or something like that, yeah. Really, Really clever. I'm just saying the Scooby-Doo gang was lighting up. Am I right, everybody? Have you had a hoagie tonight, Jordan? Yeah, sure.

I have a pre-show. Have you had a few hoagies tonight? I have some hoagies to loosen up before I go on stage. Why don't you do some listening? I think Merlin has a story. Merlin has a story about how you've... Merlin, this is about love. No, it's fine.

This is an expression of love. No, no, no, it's fine. It's fine, it's fine. Yeah, I do too or whatever. Cleansing breath. Jordan. Jordan. I feel you owe me an amends.

When you agree to pick me up after I've been drinking, and you are consumed with your hoagies, that makes me feel... I didn't have a ride. I didn't have a ride. I didn't have a ride. Here's you. Here's your... I didn't have a ride. I didn't have a ride. I didn't have a ride. Here's you. Jordan, I like hoagie.

I don't say my name and then I like hoagie. You do. You do it. Don't do that. No one does that with what they like, Merlin. No, you do it. You do it. No one does that with what they like. Listen.

Here's you. Here's you. I'm blacked out. But I don't remember it. I won't remember it later. You know, and the problem is, like, me and my drinking, that's going to be a problem, and I need you to be there for me. And the thing is, you go, ah, five more minutes.

I just want extra onions, and that's not working for me. Okay, sorry. When you are having a problem with your hoagies, that makes me feel that I'm not loved. Do you understand that, Jordan? It makes everyone feel like they're not loved. You stole the love from our lives, Jordan. You stole it for what?

A few... Why can't everybody have onions? A few pepperoncinis, Jordan. Is that what you stole it for what? A few... Why can't everybody have onions? A few pepperoncinis, Jordan. Is that what you stole it for? You know, these guys are drunks, right? A little bit of... Oh, now it's my intervention now. I like sandwiches.

Those guys are like serious drunks. Oh. I don't... I'm Jordan. I'm changing my order. Here's my order. Here's my order from a lifetime of hoagies to blaming it on somebody else. Changing my order. Do I really say I'm Jordan before I do things?

Jordan, look. The bad news is that you have a problem. It's a problem with hoagies. The good news is that there's a cure. Are you prepared to accept a cure to your addiction to hoagies? I am, yeah. The cure, the one and only cure to your addiction to hoagies is macaroons. I guess that's about our time for this Jordan Jesse Go program. I've been Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris absent this week. Mario Reyes edited this week's show, our intern. Thank you, Mario. You can find Jordan Jesse Go and MaximumFun.org stuff at MaxFunStore.com, MaxFunStore.com. And if you want to come see the monsters of podcasting yourself, you can at MaxFunCon. There's still slots available at MaxFunCon.com. So buy stuff at MaxFunStore.com, then register for MaxFunCon at maxfuncon.com. A special thanks to VG Kids for printing our tour posters, which, by the way, are available at the Max Fun Store. We'll see you next

time on Jordan, Jesse, go.