Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 115 - Complicated Din

Episode Date: November 8, 2009

Luke Burbank from Too Beautiful to Live joins us in the studio to discuss souvlaki, junkies and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, maddy, twiddle, dumm, tw, go, we pretty much decide to move to Pittsburgh.

Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know what, Jordan? It's a beautiful fall day here in Los Angeles. Isn't it, though? It's brisk.

You're wearing a pumpkin sweater. It's not a sweater with a picture of a pumpkin. It's a pumpkin-colored sweater. A little bit cinnamon-y. Maybe like a pumpkin pie. This is my fall gear. My fall look. Jordan.

Yeah. You look beautiful. Just like a pumpkin? Just like a pumpkin. As beautiful as a pumpkin growing in the wild the most beautiful of the gorge um and because i feel invigorated it's exciting well i frankly it would be exciting whether or not i was feeling invigorated but it is particularly exciting to introduce a wonderful guest sitting here. Now, he didn't get the memo about fall colors. I could be the stem

of the pumpkin. I'm wearing a green... Green is a spring color. That's a stretch. I don't want to seem unwelcoming right off the top, but that's kind of bullshit. So, you know, just like... I don't want to call bullshit on that, but I'd like to tell you that's utter bullshit, sir.

Yeah. He doesn't want to, but he has to. You've made him. Yeah. I cornered him. Admit you've made a mistake and now just do damage control. The biggest problem with this shirt, along with it not fitting in to the theme for the day, is that I have a situation where I have perpetually – I have very tiny nipples and they're perpetually erect. Right. And this shirt really – that's a pretty big problem i need to what i really should wear most

days is a kevlar vest of sorts that's the only thing sort of like 50 cent was doing for yes right he also suffers from hard nipple syndrome i could cut cut glass with these babies so um now that you've called attention to it um you know i'll be feeling self-conscious for the rest of the recording session. Jordan, this is Luke Burbank from Too Beautiful to Live, the popular podcast on the internet, Too Beautiful to Live. Yes, I've met him. I've looked at his nipples.

Hi, Jordan. Hi, it's a pleasure. I was pretending that I was introducing him to you, Jordan, but actually I was introducing him to our listening audience. It's sort of like, it's a little trick of the trade i've picked up no it's nice thank you i'm kind of an audience surrogate right in this situation exactly i'm like the greek chorus yes i'm the greek chorus of this show what happens is i make a horrible mistake and then you describe the consequences uh and what the gods are gonna do. I've got to tell you something about your wife, Jesse.

Yeah. Okay. Luke Burbank is going to tell me something about my wife. He's making a face. It sounds like this is going to be hard for you to say this. Well, you know, I was going to go into an involved Oedipus reference, but then I thought, I don't know if I really remember the details, therefore making it hard for me to make a funny yet accurate joke. So I just bailed on the whole thing.

You know what? Is it possible we could swing this back around, you and me, Luke, to like Gilgamesh or something Babylonian that Jordan knows a lot about? Oh, I see. I know a reasonable amount about Greek tragedies. I can hang in that department. Really? Yeah. Do you want to talk about Greek tragedies. I can hang in that department. Really? Yeah.

Do you want to talk about Antigone? I can talk about that. Let's talk about Antigone. Fine. Let's talk about Sophocles. Sure. I'll talk about that. Let's talk about...

Agamemnon? Agamemnon. Let's do it. Let's go. I got nothing. I'm totally relying on Jordan for this. I was thinking we could talk about... Let's talk about...

We're all out of tragic Greek figures How about this, maybe you Jordan can talk about Sophocles And me and Luke Will talk about Suvlaki Sure, that sounds fine I mean it'll be confusing for the audience Especially if we're both doing it simultaneously Right, it'll be difficult to listen to too

Even, I could pan me and Luke To the left and you to the right jordan do you think that would help couldn't hurt okay let's let's give it a try here i'm gonna go ahead and pan me and luke to the left and you're you should now be panned over to the right jordan okay um this this just is just an experiment experiment in clarifying our program for the listener you know what I mean? Okay. Ready?

You guys, what are you guys talking about again? We're talking about Suvlaki. Suvlaki, obviously. And I'll talk about Antigone. Right. Okay. Luke, what's the best Suvlaki you've ever had? The story of Antigone is that her brother dies in a war.

Down by where I used to work when I worked at WNYC. And they did a souvlaki there that was non-parade. So she's angry. I'm going to go ahead and cut this off. That was a failure. Really? Yeah. I think we were just starting to really kind of workshop it.

I think it'll be a success for fans of Radiohead. It seems like. They'll love the complicated din. Yeah, that's a good point. Well, in that case. I got your scotch mist. In that case, I'm calling it a success. Great.

That was, in fact, I would say, that was our finest moment. Yeah. At least our finest moment since the grunge era. Probably was. Since the tail end of the grunge era. Sure. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go it's Jordan Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart

I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective with us the wonderful Luke Burbank hi guys Luke short for Luther of course actually not short for Luther Boris Boy Detective. With us, the wonderful Luke Burbank. Hi, guys. Luke, short for Luther, of course. Actually, not short for Luther. I mean, for some people it could be. Short for Luke Skywalker, right? Yes.

Luke Han Solo. My middle name is Han Solo. Luke Han Solo. Skywalker. Burbank. Family name. Esquire. Also Jabba the Hutt.

Yes. Yes. Yes. People always – there's a famous botanist, which you rarely hear those two words together. Yeah. In fact, maybe never before this conversation named Luther Burbank. Yeah, sure. Who did some fabulous work with potatoes. And people often wonder if I'm – well, it's interesting because if I'm at a party or if I'm somehow conversating, as Biggie would say, with someone, if they're sort of lowbrow, it's like, Luke, I'm your father, like a Star Wars reference.

That's a Star Wars reference, Jordan, just trying to bring you in on this. Sure, thanks. Yeah, and the audience also, by extension. But sometimes people will say, oh, like – Because we're not talking about something everybody knows about like Sophocles sure right

or Suvlaki on one channel of the recording it's a little niche yeah so anyway then sometimes people will say oh like the botanist

and then I know but I bet you the upside of that is you get a lot of botany runoff pussy oh I'm elbow deep. Are you sure? Somebody will say to you,

oh, like the botanist, and you'll say, no, you're thinking of Gregor Mendel. I haven't said that, but I'm going to use it. No, you're thinking of Dr. Plants. Luke Burbank here from the great city of Seattle, Washington. The Emerald City.

That's right. That's what they call it up there. The city with broad shoulders. That are emerald. The Windy City. You guys know the story behind the Windy City, right? No. I've heard this, that it's not about wind.

Yeah. I have read this. There's a lot of Wendy's restaurants. Yes, exactly. Have you been to the amazing salad bar? It's a very good salad bar. And if you have... Have you had the 99-cent chili?

Yeah, because who wants to pay $1.20 for a ground beef and other thing prepared in a mysterious way? Well, the thing is, when you're in the Windy City, your proximity to the stockyards is a big advantage price-wise. Right. So the story goes, I think, that Chicago and New York were competing for a world exposition at some point.

And the Chicagoans kept saying— It eventually went to Vancouver. Yes, Expo 86. I think we all remember it. And the Chicagoans were sort of,-tut Chicago, you know. And the New Yorkers. Wait, I'm sorry. What were they?

They said tut-tut. Okay. Go ahead. Continue. Just checking in. They were bragging on themselves. Right. And the New Yorkers said derisively like, oh, they're the windy city.

They're full of wind. They're full of empty. Oh, yeah. Empty, you know, compliments for themselves. Chicagoans also fart a lot. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Right. Right. Which a lot of people don't know, compliments for themselves. Chicagoans also fart a lot. Right.

Right. Which a lot of people don't know about Chicago. Yeah. But from the, from the great city of Seattle, home of Ken Griffey Jr. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. Ken Griffey Jr.

Who I used to fake that I was a sports reporter. So I worked at the local public radio station, which gave me, I mean, I worked at the front desk. I wasn't on the radio talking. I wasn't, I had no legitimate reason to be at these baseball contests, but I would call up the PR people and say, this is Luke from KUOW. I need to come down and cover the game. And it somehow worked to where they would give me a press pass. So I would go down to these games.

I had no one to report for. There was no one waiting for this story, but it was me walking around in the locker room with a tape recorder just because i loved these people and i wanted to be close to and you wanted to see their wieners right right which well yeah i mean we could talk about jay buehner's the mariners in like the early 90s had the most phallically nicknamed team of all time they had alex rodriguez nicknamed a rod they had jay buehner nicknamed bone they had randy johnson whose nickname was The Big Unit. And it goes on. So anyway, Ken Griffey Jr. had a recliner in front of his locker.

Right. Barry Bonds had that in his contract. Like a lazy boy. Bark a lounger. The thing that was weird about it was that his locker – I also think the closer your locker is to the tunnel to go on the field, it's a sign of respect because you have to walk the least distance to go out onto the field. Well, because when you're wearing cleats, it's hard to walk on concrete. Right, right.

That's the main reason, I think. Yes. And so he had this Bark-a-lounger that basically blocked everyone's ability to get out to the field because he was right near a narrow sort of thing. So he would be sitting back in his Barca lounge or playing a super Nintendo and everyone else would be kind of hugging the wall, trying to get by him. And, uh, that's what I remember about Ken Griffey Jr. I just like the idea of Ken Griffey Jr. Just because he, he broke into the majors when he was what, 19, right? Yeah. And so I like the idea of Ken Griffey Jr.

And he was, at the time, I remember it was very controversial. Go ahead and shake it out, Coco. Shake it out on mic. You hear a jingle jangle in the background. It's not Santy Claus. I'm also panhandling. So a lot of rich people here in Silver Lake. Jordan's also got a lot of loose parts and is a robot.

It's true. It's true. I haven't had a tune-up in a while. A wiggly, wiggly robot. Some WD-40 in my rental car if you need that. I like the idea of Ken Griffey Jr. as just acting like a 16-year-old all the time. I remember the big controversy of Ken Griffey jr was him wearing his baseball cap backwards in practice yes yes like when he was shagging fly balls he wore his cap backwards very controversial

in the baseball world yeah baseball is a is odd in how uh ceremonial it is in a way and then you have things like basketball and football even where well football actually does have a lot of its own kind of rules and structure too. But yeah, but definitely baseball. Because like George Will writes about baseball. So then you just know it's fucked. Because it's like once you get enough boring people paying attention to it, it's like – Whereas in basketball, the objective is like can you do a slam dunk with your dick out?

Right, right. Can you pull it out while you're dunking and wave it at people? Right. And then take a gun through airport security. And you do all that stuff at the same time. What's this story with people taking guns through airport security? Why do you need to travel with a gun? I don't understand that.

Why is it so important? Little Wayne, rapper Lil Wayne, great rapper, fantastic rapper. Lil Wheezy, Lil Weeziana is gonna be is gonna be doing a year in jail because he had a gun on his tour bus like what do you who where who are these tour bus pirates invading invading tour like pulling up alongside like pushing them yeah are there still rap feuds is that still a thing that happens well i'm a little bit scared about rap feuds right now. I'll tell you why. It's because, you know, you guys are familiar with rapper Jay-Z.

Sure, the Jigga Man. Celebrity rapper Jay-Z. He was running Def Jam Records for a while. Of course, he helped run Rockefeller Records, his own vanity record label. This other rapper on the label, Beanie Siegel, is from Philadelphia. Beanie Siegel is also a really great rapper. Currently incarcerated, right? No, he's out.

He's been out for a little bit. Okay. And he is upset with Jay-Z because apparently when Beanie Siegel was just getting out of prison, he got offered a lot of money to sign with another record company. And this is according to Beanie Siegel. And Jay-Z wouldn't let him out of his contract in order to do it. He had a recording contract with their Def Jam Rockefeller Records. And I'm kind of freaked out about it because, as you mentioned,

Beanie Siegel, very upset about this, number one. Made a song where he sounds sad and angry, which is not how you want to fuck with Beanie Siegel. If you want to talk to Beanie, it should not be when he's sad and angry because he has shooted people. He was in jail for shooting people. That's what he was in jail for. He got in an argument and shot someone. He didn't kill them them but he did shoot them definitely yeah went to prison i don't think he even i don't think he even denied that he had

shot someone i think he was just like yeah i shot him he shouldn't have argued me i had a gun i jay-z is you know as he says i think beanie Siegel might be outside. Right. The guard dog has thankfully kind of given us an alert. Yeah, Jay-Z is not so much with the violence anymore. He's always putting in lyrics about how he doesn't do that. He's talking about like, give me a button up, I'm 30 plus, or I'm not a businessman, I'm a business, comma, man. Right. He's sort of into moving beyond all that. But then you've still got the other guys

who are still kind of into the gunplay. And if those two worlds collide... Beanie Siegel has got to be... I mean, one of those records, those first records came out like 1996 or something. So that was over 10 years ago. And Beanie Siegel was a grown man by then. So this has got to be a 35-year-old man, Beanie Siegel. And he's a big man. And like I has got to be a 35 year old man beanie siegel and he's a big man and like i said he's a sad man if there's one thing you learn from beanie siegel's records it's that he is really sad he had to shoot various people because they were fucking with him he doesn't want to shoot people right it's not his thing he doesn't just go around shooting people for kicks you know he's not he's not that kind of guy.

He's put upon. Yeah, he's put in a place where he has no choice but to peel your wig back. Or literally the only rational thing to do is to drop some lead into someone. And you know what? He knows, he understands that there's consequences when you take action, but he had to take action. And I'm concerned that Jay-Z may be putting Beans in a position where he has to shoot him. Or, alternately, me. That's my other concern.

What if I'm around and I get shot by Beanie Siegel? Caught in the crossfire. I don't want to get caught in the crossfire. I'm a hip-hop insider. Sure. You're hanging out at nightclubs. Sure. I go to...

And then all these things out at nightclubs? Sure. I go to... All these things happen at nightclubs? Yeah, evening clubs. Sure. Evening clubs. A speakeasy, occasionally? Dance discos. And I'm there. I'm ordering bottle service.

I don't want to get caught just because I'm sitting near... Obviously, I'm in the VIP. Right. I'm ordering, what, a Corvasier. Sure. And an Ace of Spades something. That's not a real thing. It's a Jay-Z thing.

Jay-Z drink. And I'm ordering these drinks, these different different drinks because i've got these beautiful women with me yeah and they're hanging off your jock sure sure i mean it's hard to know here's the thing it's hard to know whether they want me for me or for my money and my success but either way you know you're gonna you're gonna tap that Sure. And I'm concerned about getting caught in between. If you ask me, I say stop the violence. You know what I mean? That's a pretty bold proclamation.

I say we're headed for self-destruction. And I don't want to get caught between Beanie Siegel and Jay-Z, I think is ultimately the moral of the story. It's just, you know, I don't want to sort of side with Glenn Beck and all that, but I will give them this. It is a sad, sad state of affairs when America's radio sweetheart can't be in the club with his women who are paid essentially to sexually service him, drinking copious amounts of alcohol. I mean, I buy them what they...

I take them on shopping sprees, yes. I don't have to pay them for sex, but... Well, you eliminate the middleman and you pass the savings on to them. Exactly. You want them to get the most for their blowjob dollar. I was talking to Glenn Beck about this. Oh, interesting. Yeah, he's absolutely on board with this whole thing.

He suggested, this was his idea that I... Isn't that guy's thing crying too? It's just him and maybe B.E. Siegel, you know, kindred spirits. They're working on an album. Isn't that Glenn Beck's thing just crying on TV? They both, I'll tell you this about both of them. Both of them really interested in the Founding Fathers. Yeah.

And doing Founding Father cosplay. Real erotic Found father cosplay i certainly find it erotic i don't know if you guys do i mean beanie sigel is uh you know he's got a beautiful round head beautifully round head glenn beck is a very you know he's got a charisma about him although with glenn beck i think some of it was it was just convenience because he has uh teeth that are made of wood right like washington yeah and so he decided that was his entry point into the world of erotic instead of avoiding it i'm gonna go further into the scene as it as it's called right absolutely well i mean that's how i got into porno was my huge penis so i mean i'm like

now i'm all about it did you know that about our los angeles hollywood lifestyles i go i spend a lot of time in night nightclubs of course jordan is known as the king of porn valley because of his schlong yeah i didn't want to say that but oh you but you i my porn name is borden morris so you probably like oh like a little weird but wait like borden turn to the side a little bit now drop your pants and and say and kind of sort of moan shit on me again oh my god that's you i know i know i'll be i don't really like to do like the lines in public just like what i apologize that was sort of like that was sort of like going up to the verizon guy and saying can you hear me now yeah it was it's a little gauche definitely like people come up to

me at the coffee bean and you know they're like say shit on me again. Or just the other day we were at the racetrack betting on the ponies, and someone shit on you. And it's like you get paid to do that. That's your work, not what you do in your free time. Sure. It's two separate worlds. I mean, you love your work, Jordan. I do.

I mean, that's how you became the king of Porn Valley. And it's flattering that somebody would want to use – they have a BM and they want to use it on you. Like, thank you, but this is me time. Exactly. Right. Kind of a thing. When you see Kurt Russell, you know, just out and about, you don't ask him to start acting. Right.

Like, hey, start acting. No, it's the same thing. If you see Kim Kardashian, you don't shit on her. Absolutely not. Unless you're Reggie Bush and the privacy of their home in a committed relationship. No, it's the same thing. If you see Kim Kardashian, you don't shit on her? Absolutely not. Unless you're Reggie Bush and the privacy of their home and a committed relationship. What's Reggie Bush? Is that her husband or something?

That is her husband. Who is that? Is he an athlete? He's a football star. Yeah. Or maybe he's not her husband, but he's her longtime sweetie. Okay. They're romantically involved.

Yeah, her and her sister. It's a common law thing. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I see them at all a common law thing. Yeah, yeah, definitely. I see them at all the hottest nightclubs, so I know. And occasionally at the sport track. Yeah, at the sport track. What if the hot new thing to do was go see someone put the shot?

Shoot the put or put the shot? i either is fine poop the shot yes poop the shot oh god this is this this whole show is just falling apart yeah i feel like i have that effect i apologize i feel like i feel like it's that part of stewart little where the mom wants to kill stewart little so she puts him in a cardboard box and glues it shut and puts him underwater, but the water takes the box apart, and so he escapes. I feel like right now we're trying to kill Stuart, a talking mouse. With the voice of Michael J. Fox. Yeah, with the voice of Michael J. Fox. You're Geena Davis, Luke.

Who am I? You can be... I'm a cow. Oh. You're Gina Davis. Okay. Luke. Who am I? You can be... I'm an owl. Oh, yeah. That would be good. Caw, caw, caw, caw. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Is that your nickname? That's his nickname. It's long. Enjoying this time with you fellas here in this wonderful new spot of yours, Jesse Burbank.

Well, you know what? You guys are so well known for your, is it a moniker? Is that what you would call America's Radio Sweetheart? Appalachian. For your appalachians. And then I felt like for me to try to come up with one, first of all, people must do that all the time, which would, you know. Well, Kurt Anderson from Studio 360 was explodo. No one, none less than, oh, by the way, one time I was flying from New York City.

Yes. Which is a little hamlet kind of in the north. It's a little south of Long Island. Yes. I summer there. So. That would be the most awesome thing. I summer in like Hell's Kitchen.

Yeah, right. That would be the most awesome thing I summer in like hell's kitchen Yeah right I have a little spot in Santa Barbara Where I go in the winter time But then for the summer I go to Harlem And dance in a fire thing I was flying from New York City to Minnesota And I happened to be on the same flight as Kurt Anderson And it was for like a public radio conference

That was happening in Minnesota And Kurt Anderson had a very fetching very pregnant lady with him maybe an assistant or maybe someone he worked with and uh then they got on the plane and then i walked by and kurt anderson was in first class and pregnant lady was on like aisle 29 between two people no yeah since kurt anderson knows what the fuck is up that's explodo he's explodo is running his lifestyle he's a public intellectual he's hanging out in when i when when kurt anderson was here in los angeles uh me and theresa my wife went to a party at his house he was borrowing it from susanlean. What? No big deal.

No big deal, you guys. He's borrowing a sweet house from Susan Orlean because they're pals. Because that's how the fuck they roll. Kurt Anderson. They just trade houses. Dude, Kurt Anderson, that guy's awesome. That guy gets five stars from me. Absolutely.

But yeah, this is my new place are you you had never even been to my koreatown house i hadn't i'd heard all about it and i was actually um really excited to uh to check it out because i am trying to do a radio show kind of thing uh at my house now i do not have anywhere near the uh the the setup that you have this is very slick you recently got half fired yes yes which was really unsatisfying because the way you usually get fired from a radio show is you you show up and your key card doesn't work and all your shit is just out in front of the radio station they really and and you and you like uh and and you only like you get the feeling that might be

when you when you turn on your car and your station is playing Rancheros. You're like, that's weird. You're driving to work with a kind of bad feeling. This is a new morning show. Yeah. So, no. But I had always said that the day that we got fired, then we could just – there's a really fine Mexican restaurant across the street that you and I have been to. We've dined there together.

Azteca. And my plan was – You know it, Jordan. I don't. You guys didn't invite me. Imagine Acapulco, the local – Sure. Isn't that place?

But a lot worse. Okay. Yeah. Somehow less authentic. And my plan was to go there – It's sort of a – for a national reference, bootleg Chevys. Right. Right. And I thought we'd show up and they would be like, bootleg Chevys. Right, right.

And I thought we'd show up and they would be like, you can't do the radio show anymore. And then we would go across the street and just get incredibly drunk. Super drunk. We showed up and they said, hey, can we meet with you? And I said, sure. And they said, well, I just want to let you know we've been doing some kind of shifting around some program changes and some of that is going to affect TBTL. And I said, oh, okay. In what way?

They said, said well we're taking it off the air good okay right okay i'm listening yeah and uh but you have until you can keep doing the show on the radio until friday and then after that uh you're still under contract with us and we're still going to pay you but you just don't have a radio show anymore but if you want to do the podcast from your house i mean we could loan you a couple of microphones and you could do that so it was a kind of it just didn't feel that's nice it didn't have the immediacy that i wanted in that kind of get drunk and be like fuck you and you've been and to be fair one of the big things your radio show has in some ways been an advertisement for your podcast you you're the podcast is how that's

your preferred method of getting to people and has always been. You're building a national podcast audience, not a local radio audience. Well, it's definitely... This is the thing about working for people who will never hear this, thankfully, and who don't

understand that podcasts are the same as a radio show and in a lot of ways a lot better in terms of reaching people but they they never they didn't have any kind of um jealousy about the podcast or any sense of wanting to control it like my contract is up i'm just gonna keep like my contract will end on a friday and then on monday i'll just be doing the show again from my house owning all of the stuff really they? They never fought me for anything. They don't understand the podcast has any value.

Like for instance, we went off the radio on a Friday. And so I went crazy over the weekend that weekend getting some microphones and stuff and setting up a very rudimentary radio studio at my house. Monday at noon, we start doing the show again. And it was really a lot of work and very stressful. And we did it for a couple of weeks and every single day because we do the show you know five days a week it's like a lot of pressure and everything and i run into my old boss um and it was like two and a half weeks into this blood sweat and toil and he goes why don't you start in that podcast i was like you know um i would be mad at you, except this reinforces what I know, which is that you guys are not going to be in any way trying to sue me for TBTL. They don't understand that it means anything, which is great for me.

Right. It's nice. It's nice to be able to hold on to what you make. Yeah. Right? It's a good privilege. Yeah. Well, I have to say, this sounds a little, you know, ass kissy, but what you guys have been doing with Sound of Young American with Jordan Jesse Go for a long time is really one of the things that made me think, oh, it's possible that I could try to do this as a sort of home business.

Yeah. You know, like, and again, seeing the new palatial thorn mants. Right. And, of course, I also do the crochet stuff that I sell on Etsy. Right. Speaking of my home businesses. So that supplements it, the crocheting. Right.

I shoot a lot of the porn I make at my home. It's a write-off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also play a lot of professional croquet. You I also play a lot. I play professional croquet. You should also know that about. I'm on the tour. Well, but then, Jordan, do you have a new place, too? Everybody's moving up in this game.

Yeah, yeah. I moved, and I've been mostly happy with the new place. But there's been kind of a recent development and you had you had previously in your previous apartment in west hollywood california you had suffered from uh two major indignities one was a hoarder that lived next door yes um and often when sometimes uh knock on our door at weird hours really yes he also would uh if i'm not mistaken his door was was always open, but he was not always clothed. No, yeah. Rarely clothed, just kind of standing amongst the things that he had amassed. All that hoarding and not a bathrobe to be found.

No, yeah. Irony. There were a lot of stuffed birds. Yeah. But I guess he could have maybe tied around his waist. But anyways. That's a sort of makeshift ceremonial. Yeah, yeah.

So that was number one. And number two was a woman named Peaches. Yes. Who yelled a lot. Who, yeah, yelled, basically wore exclusively homemade Obama stuff. Even post-election? Yes. Well, yeah.

I mean, I would say it increased post-election. What's a homemade Obama stuff look like? I mean, this is like an iron-on t-shirt. This is like some earrings. You need seven or eight stuffed birds. Yeah. With Obama's head. So you were suffering the indignity of this middle-aged African-American lady screaming at you from time to time for no particular reason.

Yeah. And the crazy hoarder that walked around naked next door. But besides that, it was okay. Yeah, it was nice it was not like kind of it was a lot of kind of like um older like russian people who had kind of been there since it was rent controlled and um yeah it was it was a was a fine place neighbor wise um and anyway so i i i moved into this new place and um and you're hoping to kind of move up a little bit. You're hoping to clean it up. You're cleaning up your act. Sure, sure.

And it's still in West Hollywood. It's not that far away from the old place. And for people who don't know, West Hollywood is – it's nicer-ish. It's what people might call the gay neighborhood. The gayborhood. The gayborhood. A lot of brunch. Yeah.

There's a lot of brunch around. There uh a lot of brunch yeah there's a lot of brunch around um you know there's a lot of a lot of whole foods is um so it's that kind of it's sort of like it's sort of like the west side of los angeles the defiantly uh unhip los angeles-y part of los angeles that you might think of when you're thinking of Los Angeles. Sure. This is sort of like the – like what is hip for that? Right. Yeah, yeah. It's not prohibitively expensive to live in, et cetera. Anyway, so –

A lot of juice. Yeah, a lot of juice. So there's this – I moved into this new place and I love the inside of the place. Space-wise, it's a great, you know, kind of bigger space for one guy. Anyways, and so it... It needs a lot of space for his... Anyway, yeah. So to describe this place, it's kind of two units side by side,

and they kind of go back behind an iron gate into kind of like a gauntlet of apartments, if you will. It's a one-story. And anyways, but there are two units that are in front of this iron gate. And then anyways, and then you go inside, and there's a little gauntlet. There's like kind of a canopy of trees, and then inside there's this kind of gauntlet of apartments. But there's two on the outside. And, you know, and I thought I, you know, I kind of asked the landlord kind of what the clientele was like. And he says it's always like.

He described it as Tony. Yeah, yeah. And the landlord is this kind of like kind of middle aged-aged, I think kind of ex-hippie. So maybe some guy who you might take ski lessons from I might describe him as. Sure. Works at – probably worked at a lot of resorts in his life. His name is R.C. And he seemed nice enough and pleasant and I, you know, I asked kind of what the, you know, what the apartment complex was like.

He's like, oh, it's kind of mostly kind of younger showbiz people like yourself. And I'm like, okay, that sounds fine. And, you know, and I kind of made it a point to drive by, you know, every day on my way to work before I, you know, before I signed the lease. Check for showbiz types. Yeah, I visited a couple of times. And, you know, here's the kind of the people that I saw. It's like immediately across from me there's this kind of a nice kind of fun gay couple who were, you know, nice and having cocktails on their porch and were very welcoming. And kind of next door there's kind of a, you know, kind of a nice looking actor-y lady who has a little dog.

kind of a nice looking actor-y lady who has a little dog and uh i think there's like a guitar guy somewhere toward the back uh you know hair having guitar guy um i'm like okay this is this is fine this is nice and kind of but one of these outside units that are outside the gate uh kind of what i saw was kind of a young kind of a young couple with a baby. So this is kind of a younger couple in their early 20s with a baby. I'm like, oh, that's fine. It's nice even. Yeah. It's nice to have babies around.

Sure, yeah. Once there's babies, you feel like people have an investment in where they're living because there's a baby there. Yeah, maybe the baby will wave at you. Sure, maybe it'll play with your doggie. Oh, God, I love when babies play with my doggy um i hope someone didn't just turn on the podcast at that exact moment somehow someone like just just dragged yeah i don't know why they would scroll bar to a random place at the podcast um now i am suspecting that this home that I thought was just this young couple with the baby, I'm suspecting that this might be a junkie flophouse. And the baby is actually a 60-year-old man.

Yeah. He's so much heroin that he has progeria. Yeah, exactly. And just wears a onesie everywhere. Here are the people. Could we market that? Do you think that's a business opportunity for us onesies for junkies yeah it might be it might be when when two pieces

of clothing is one too many yeah right we yeah when you need to put we could put in addition to the traditional butt flap we could also put sort of an interior elbow flap no yeah so you can shoot up and then one for between the toes you could crochet it maybe the prototype oh absolutely i think there's a lot of junkies shopping on etsy now that's a growing market on etsy i've and i can advertise it in my pornography you can write it on the side of your schlongs because i i've been um i've been crocheting I already have goldenpalace.com there I had to go with goldenpalace.biz Because you've already taken it So thanks a lot No problem

I've been crocheting a lot of syringe cozies lately Which is nice Anyway, sorry Jordan What leads you to believe this is a junkie flock house? So there's the young family. The baby, they're still there. Absolutely. Hanging out on the porch are a lot of sweaty, trembling burnouts.

Right. They're smoking. They're drinking big gulps. They're just some – and multiracial, too, this collection of junkies. And multiracial, too, this collection of junkies. The Young Family is Hispanic, but the junkies seem to be of all creeds. I know for one thing that I do not trust people who associate with other races or religions. It's very questionable behavior.

It's a junkie Benetton ad in front of your apartment. What do you think this is? A meal in a McDonald's commercial? There's one particular lady who always looks like she's just been crying. She's wearing an American flag sweater. She's a patriot. She asked me for $20 the other day as I was coming into my house. You were just going into your house. She's like, hey, I need a little credit.

Can I get $20? A little credit. Can I get $20? I said, I don't have any cash on me. Let me check the status of your line. Sure. A man of the young couple, when I parked, I was just kind of street parking there, asked me if I wanted him to repair the dings in my car. Oh, boy.

That he would make if you didn't pay him to repair the dings in your car. If you didn't loan his crying friend $20. Recently crying. I was walking home with groceries. I had a new Brita filter under my arm. And one of the people said, hey, are you selling that? Yes, because I walk around holding things that I want to sell because I am a junkie like you. To be fair, that's a junkie who's trying to get his life back together. Yeah, yeah.

Starting with clean water. Selling stuff. to get his life back together yeah yeah starting with clean water selling stuff and it's also maybe a sign that maybe jordan you look like you're just starting to descend into junkiedom yeah right exactly because that's the that's the place where you're at where you're just selling shit you're holding right yeah exactly like you walk around with something and try to sell it yeah like yeah you're like what when you're just walking down the sidewalk with a Super Nintendo under your arm going, 20 bucks? 20 bucks? No power cable. No.

Yeah, exactly. Just the 15 because there's no cable. You're going to need to get that. You can get that. That's easy though. Junkies do have an amazing ability to unload shit though. Like I have – my girlfriend and I moved in together and so we had – there was stuff that was duplicative. Sure. Sure. Indeed. Duplicity.

Yes. Julia Roberts and Clive. You had two DVD copies of Duplicity. Right. Exactly. And I needed to sell one of them. I was putting a lot of stuff on Craigslist and I haven't sold any of it and it's – a lot of it is pretty – it's not – it's nice enough stuff and it's stuff people need.

But if you're a junkie and you have one shoe you can somehow get five dollars you found a person who needed one shoe yeah absolutely no i grew up in a very junkie heavy neighborhood and have often often had the experience it's like a seven or eight year old of someone trying to convince me to buy like a shower curtain yeah you know you're like you're like seven years old you're going you got you're gonna go buy some now and laters and somebody's somebody's on the corner like hey kid you need uh uh i'll give you this three dollars you got three dollars and you're like no i only got a quarter for a now later. Like, shower curtain, 25 cents. You know what I mean?

So I don't know what to do about this. Okay. And so they're a little bit loud sometimes. So I guess I could tell the landlord. Just say like, hey, you know, there's some people are hanging around outside and they're they're being kind of loud and i you know i suspect i also peeked inside uh one day on the way out mattress in the living room i can assume on the floor on the floor yeah anytime you're looking at a mattress in the living room situation that does not involve a recent immigrant to the

united states yeah that's a that's a you know a red flag sure so i i so okay i could say something but i'm worried that he might be part of their drug web sure and will come in to kill me well he needs a he needs the supply yeah because otherwise he can't get high on his own supply right exactly um well a couple of things first of all if they're listening to this podcast this is going going to be tremendously embarrassing for you. You know, I've actually had a little peek at their podcast list. It's just Grammar Girl. Only Grammar Girl.

So thank God. And also I think I've lived around much sketchiness in L.A. when I was living over off Alvarado there in the Echo Park. Sure. Usually this kind of situation will eventually implode under its own weight of sketchiness. Yeah. So you just need to leave it alone. We,

we have a, we have a friend who, um, whose, whose name I will leave out of this just because I don't want her to get in trouble with your bloods and crips, um, that are podcast fans.

But, uh, she was living in Venice, California and some shady shit started was living in Venice, California, and some shady shit started happening outside of her apartment. Now, Venice is an interesting town because it's a combination of kind of bros, like sort of rich hippie types, and also gang warfare from time to time.

And so she had some... A lot of very nice restaurants. She had some shady shit going on in front of her house um and eventually it started getting shadier and shadier and she's thinking this is weird i don't know exactly what's going on but this is not right eventually the police moved into her apartment all of a sudden she had policemen in her apartment to watch the shady shit. They just knocked on her door and said, we're from the Los Angeles Police Department. We need a place to be while we're investigating this shady shit.

And then one day, a couple weeks into this, one of the police officers is in her living room peeking out of her front window or something. My name's Emilio Estevez. We'll be shooting Stakeout 3 here, if that's cool. And just says to her, you know what? I'd move as quickly as possible. Yeah. Whoa.

So your hope is that it will implode of its own way rather than dragging you into a police sting. Like a sting operation. Like a sting operation without even a sassy African-American outsider to bring some lightness to the situation. By the way, I bet you'd trade anything for a middle-aged African-American woman in home-brewed Obama gear. Oh, my gosh. I will move peaches into that unit if she wants to come. Have you thought about kind of rolling with it? Oh, like doing crystal meth with them?

Yeah, or just meth or just whatever they've got at any given time. Yeah, I mean, that's a possibility. I could just join their league of sweaty toothlessness. Right, sure. I think it would be good because, Jordan, here's the nice thing about it. I think that you've got a lot of good outfits for it. Sure. You've got a lot of stuff that you could sell on the street corner, but not a lot of, like, you've got a lot of pawnable shit. Yeah.

Your video game systems, video games. Sure, a lot of pawnable shit. Yeah. Your video game systems, video games. Sure, a lot of DVDs. DVDs. That's mostly what you own. So you, and that is all easy to move. Like you just lay out a blanket. Right. Exactly.

You just lay out a blanket. And I would say that, I mean, I'm not telling you that you should do this, but it's your television personality. Sure. should do this um but it's your your television personality sure um i think when you're on tv you can never be too skinny um oh yeah no no that's true you got hooked on horse um that's god's diet yeah i mean look at the you know look at some of these rock and roll type guys look great look at anthony board that's what anth Anthony Bourdain did. Anthony Bourdain got himself hooked on junk, slimmed down, sharpened his features. He let his hair go gray, but kept it in a youthful, messy look.

I think you could do this, Jordan. Yeah. I think this is your ticket. You'd love to host a sort of no reservations type show, right? God, would I? So all you got to do, you get hooked on the – you're going to have to kick it eventually. So I'll just – I'll knock on the door. I'll bring a kind of welcome me into your den gift.

I'll just bring a Brita. Put a little bow on it. Danish butter cookies also. Oh, those are good. It's kind of – it's customary. Those are good. I would like to join your... Because what's nice about those is after they've eaten the cookies, they can sell that metal tin that it comes in for 50 cents. To a small child who's getting a Charleston chew.

Just trying to buy a chew. He's trying to get himself a strawberry chew. Well, plus if you're at their house, they've welcomed you into their love family and you're basically tripping balls and you want to take a nap, there's a mattress already in the living room. There's one right there for you to flop on. Problem solved. Plus, I mean, I'm sure there's plenty

of young Hollywood types you could borrow 20 bucks from if you need to. Exactly. Credit. Credit. Credit. Can I just call in to check on my credit line? I've got a rotating business line of credit. I use it to buy drugs, which I sell and use.

But I'm really banking the miles on this. I've almost got a free flight to Oakland. Exactly. Jordan, what about this as an idea? You could open up a credit institution. Oh, yeah. The key, I think, would be on the application have a line that says, Cannot murder me.

I was thinking maybe get high on own supply, question mark, and then yes and no. Yeah. And if they check yes, then you have to be extra wary. Sure, exactly. If they check no, you're good to go. It's all about micro-lending now. Right, exactly. The new economy.

This is a Grameen Bank type of situation. You could win a Nobel Peace Prize for this micro-lending. Probably will. I would focus on women. Okay. Women artisans. And will. I would focus on women. Okay. Women artisans. And the artisanship could be anything. I mean, I've already talked about the business potential of croqueting, of crocheting.

Croquet cozies. Croquet cozies. So that's one thing you could talk about. But what about this? What about just the sheer artisanship? People could teach lessons on new places to shove a needle in themselves. Yeah. You know, like finding a spot. Once you've gone in between all the toes,

you know, this little piggy, that little piggy. Where are some other prominent veins? That is really the unified field theory of junkiedom. Nobody's been able yet. If you can find the new spot where the vein is least likely to collapse and the cops won't know to look there for track marks, I mean, that's like a combustion engine in the junkie world. It's the cold fusion.

Right, exactly. So, Jordan, I think things are looking up, right? Let's just turn this inconvenience into an opportunity. Turn this lemon into 7-Up. I will. You'll need a lime. Limon. And a factory.

Oh, that's bright. Sprite limon? Hard to say at this point. Who cares, honestly. I'll make some Code Red Mountain Dew. Excellent. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Luke Burbank, currently on probation. Wait. Do you remember your big your long, crazy nickname? Enjoying these new spanking digs you have. That's close enough.

Roughly. I'll take it. What about just spanking digs? Oh, yeah. How about Luke Burbank? Spanking digs. What about Luke Spanky Burbank? Yeah.

I like Spanky. Yeah. Okay, Spanky. What do you think, Luke? Okay, should we do a do-over? Let's try that in the flow. I like Spanky. Yeah, okay, Spanky. What do you think, Luke? Should we do a do-over? Let's try that in the flow. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Luke Spanky Burbank. Yeah, I like it. Spanky. Spank and bank really go together. Spank bank. Luke Bur-spank. Jordan.

Yes. Want to take some telephone calls? What do you think of this? That sounds fine Okay Let's start with some You know Some what-have-yas And what-nots

Hi Jordan Jesse Go This is Mike From Honolulu I'm a graduate student In linguistics And I was researching This fun little language

Called Ifiramele And I discovered That the word in this language, fat-fat, translates as chest or breast. So that is fat-fat means breast in ifiramele. Great. See, this is the kind of research, you know, I was reading the other day that Senator John McCain was upset

because people were spending, because America is spending $240 000 to observe observe sea turtles and i agree we should be spending more money on this fat fat situation we need what other funny words mean boobs we need to find out there could be literally thousands of funny words that mean boobs and we don't know about them this is important not just not just for us and laughing but for american industry i mean think about how much better the radio industry would be doing if luke burbank could relate a story not just about his tiny erect nipples yes but about the tiny erect nipples that cap off his fat fats you see what i'm saying yep i mean if we if i'd had that at my disposal,

my radio show would have maybe not been shit-canned. Exactly. Semi-shit-canned, Lou. Thank you. Half shit-canned-ish. You were half-fired. Jordan, Jessica, Patrick from Florida. My girlfriend just learned a funny song.

She's also 18. Do you think that's a come on? Jordan, Jordan, Bo Borden, Banana Fana, Bo Borden, me, my, Mo Borden, Jordan! And Jesse, Jesse, Bo Bessie, Banana

Fana, Bo Bessie, me, my, Mo Bessie, Jesse! Yay! What do you think's going on there? Well, yeah. We gotta peel back the top layer. So he's like, by the way, she's 18. So that, do you think he's trying to, I kind of get the impression that he wants us to fuck her.

Yeah, he's just letting it go. He's like, I know you're gonna be sexually aroused by this song. Right. And it's okay to be. Just let okay to be I'll let you know that it's alright she is not jailbait or is he bragging yeah is he like a 30 year old guy and he's like I can't make it in your own girlfriend because I'm covered in filth

Luke you're a couple years older than us so you're in your early 30s yeah I'm moving towards mid-30s. I'm 33 years old. Okay, so you're 33 years old. Are you into the name game at all? Is this a being in your 30s thing?

Or I should ask, are you into the name game? Well, I mean, sure, it's a family tradition in the Burbank house. We get together for a hanukkah which is you know the holidays that we celebrate of faiths that we're actually not right which is you know you do different you you'll do you do a kwanzaa celebration you do a hanukkah celebration like alternate every year yeah canadian boxing day we just yeah i got a Ted offensive for you No Put your dick away But I think the

I think also maybe him saying she was 18 Was by way of explaining Why she would think this was funny Like she's a crazy kid Yeah, she's 18 So this guy's in what, in his 40s? We're guessing He sounded pretty old

And he sounded like he was only kind of half into making the call, which happens on my show too. People will leave messages. It sounds like they're going somewhere or like they're a little put off that they're calling you to leave you a message. Yeah. Did you call us? I don't... Yeah. Well, I mean, I guess at the end of the day, I'm married. You're in a very committed relationship. But I guess, Jordan, you would probably do it. If we needed somebody to do it, you got the studio at home. No.

Okay. Fine. You don't have to. I'm not going to make you. Hey, Jordan. Yes, you go. This is Heather in Louisiana. I was listening to your episode with Sarah Vowell yesterday.

I was listening to your episode with Sarah Vowell yesterday, and last night I had a dream that I was going to have a one-night stand with Ed Begley Jr. But unfortunately, I kept stopping to clean my house, so we never got around to the deed. That's the kind of rich, powerful dream that everyone should be having once a week so they can understand what's going on in their inner lives. That's the kind of thing that you peel back. Each layer, as you peel it back, the aroma of insight becomes richer. Yeah. It's like a colonic for your inner soul. If you're not having that dream every week... It's like a colonic for your brain butt. I think we can all agree.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. I'll just come and say that I fucking hate Waldorf schools, and I don't know what their deal is or who the fuck they think they are. But I just wanted to get that out there. I'm not sure if I... Oh, yeah, my name's Zane here in Oakland, and I just wanted to get that out there. I'm not sure if I... Oh, yeah, my name's Zane here in Oakland, and I just wanted to let it be known.

So I'm just curious what you guys think about that. All right, later. We're with you. Fuck them. Sure. Fuck them, boo. Who the fuck... Who are you, Waldorf?

Yeah. Why don't I go to an historia school go make a salad dickweed hell yeah yeah dude upstairs yes this is our new thing we're fighting against waldorf schools yeah we used to be a stand we used to be kind of we used to be kind of into uh what's that kind of school where you do a lot of discovering oh god uh prison school montessori montessori schools there for a while that was certainly an interest of ours and a lady called in to say that montessori schools were nice i don't know remember if we played that on the radio or not lady called in to say montessori schools are really nice so maybe this is just an idea maybe what we should do is start a fight between Montessori schools and Waldorf schools.

We're on the side of Montessori schools because we hate Waldorf schools. Does that make sense? It's just going to boil down to who does better Balinese mask work. I think. As it always does. Yeah. I'd like to make this an action item, Jordan. Do you mind if I make this an action item?

Sure. I'd like to throw this out there., Jordan. Do you mind if I make this an action item? Sure. I'd like to throw this out there. 206-984-4FUN. What is wrong with Waldorf schools and what is good with Montessori schools? And remember, this... It's probably a can of worms.

We're really throwing this out there and I think... Luke, I don't know what your audience is like. Please call me Fat Fat. So Fat Fat. Spanky, tell me. Spanky Fat Fat. We have a very creative audience, I think. information about Waldorf and Montessori schools that a traditional, what would you say, fact-driven

researcher might not discover. Sure. And be able to share it with us. And I'd love to see on the forum, I'd love to see some anti-Waldorf school artwork. 206-984-4FUN is the number to call in for this action item and we'll be back in just a second. You know what probably has a good sense of humor? People who send their kids to Waldorf schools.

I think this is going to go over well. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Spanky Burbank checking in. Ah, I love it. Isn't that great? That's good. Doesn't it just make you... It's nice when we find it. Yeah, it's nice when you find that perfect nickname match for somebody. Doesn't it just tickle your balls? It does. That's one of the many things Spanky Burbank will do for you. It's a full-service operation you're running.

Something we like to do on our program, Luke Burbank, from time to time, is ask people to call in when something momentous happens in their lives. There's a segment called Momentous Occasions. We ask people to call in either in the immediate aftermath or preferably during. We've had so many calls because my internet was down. Our last show was a live show from you. So it's been weeks and weeks. We've got a lot of calls here. Let's go to the first Momentous Occasion. We've got a lot of calls here. Let's go to the first momentous occasion. Hi, this is Jory from Fredonia, New York, and I have a momentous occasion.

It's actually more of a momentous day. Well, yesterday my friend and I took a spur-of-the-moment trip to Pittsburgh, which is about three hours away from here. But that's not in itself what's momentous. What's momentous is this morning I saw a condor eat a chicken. I found a $5 bill, and I saw the unveiling of a statue of Mr. Rogers and got a free book of Mr. Rogers' book, You Are Special, which I thought was pretty cool. We even got to see Mr. McFeely give a talk.

You know what? It's overwhelming. I am overwhelmed right now because, number one, he saw a condor. Number two, he found five bucks. And number three, he saw an unveiling of a statue of the greatest man ever to live mr rogers pittsburgh is where it's at why the fuck don't we live in pittsburgh the pittsburgh miracle it seems like it seems like jerome bettis had the right idea the bus is where it's at if you want to if you want to go where the action is, you've got to Andy Van Slyk it over to Pittsburgh. Yeah.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Jesus. Yeah. Don't. How do you work Bobby Bonilla into it? How do you not work Bobby Bonilla into it? Yeah. All you've got to do is just be Bobby Bonilla.

Yeah. Sorry, Jordan. We didn't mean to. No, I apologize. Oh, no. Whatever. The other day I got really excited because the San Francisco Giants, my favorite baseball club, had hired –

their batting coach was Carney Lansford, one of my favorites when he used to play for the A's. He got fired, and I was worried because I knew that with Carney gone, what would happen? Things might fall apart. But then not only did they hire hensley bam bam mulins as as their hitting coach but i found out that hensley mulins hensley bam bam mulins speaks english wait i'm using internet for this because yeah you wouldn't want to get this wrong

wouldn't want to leave any details out of this special story um uh he speaks okay it's english um we're talking about english uh spanish um let's see if i can find it here wow he's bilingual that's. What a good story. No, okay. Wait. English, Spanish, Japanese, Dutch, and Papiamento. What? So if the Giants ever have someone who speaks Papiamento, then Hensley Bam Bam Mulens can help them in their native tongue. I think we know where to start in terms of getting more ways to say breasts. Yeah, that guy can help out. Okay, let's go back to the momentous occasions. Hello, Jordan and Jesse.

This is Sean calling from Burlington, Vermont with a momentous occasion. I just had a chocolate phosphate, and it was horrible. I do not recommend it to anyone. However, I will suggest that an egg cream, if you are going to go with an old time soda, that's where you should go. Look, I'm not here to fight against egg creams. What's in a phosphate? What's in a phosphate? I feel like I, you know, it's something you use when you're making fun of old time stuff, but I guess I don't even know what's in it. what's in a fossil i feel like i i you know it's something you use when you're making fun of old time stuff but i guess i don't even know what's in it ask hensley mullins he also speaks soda jerk phosphate it's like a um uh uh it's like a club soda and chocolate syrup isn't it isn't it something like just not you know it's um not appetizing it has some kind of mineral quality

that's the phosphate part i'm trying to find something on the internet that will explain to us what the difference is i think it's like something about like the phosphate is makes it naturally bubbly or something like that um it's like a mineral water that you add a soda pop flavoring to. Sounds awful. Yeah. This is like before they invented club soda or something. Gotcha. I don't know what the cause of this is,

but I can tell you that if you're going to have a phosphate, your mistake was ordering a chocolate phosphate and not like a strawberry phosphate. Oh, really? You want a fruity phosphate. Oh, okay. But egg creams are great. I'm not here to fight against egg creams,

which are delicious. I was a kid living in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and I was watching The Price is Right, and it was sponsored by Canfield's Diet Fudge Soda. It was a very muggy day, as is often the case, and I thought nothing would be more refreshing, so I marched down to the store. I got a Canfield's Diet Fudge Soda. And it was in my mouth. It actually turned into human feces. It was so awful. It was somehow transmogrified. That actually could be convenient for Jordan's business.

It could be. I mean, if I can just buy a six-pack of this stuff, I don't have to wait for my co-stars to digest. Yeah. God. This is really horrible. So much wasted time. This is like as low as we've ever gone. Yeah. God. This is really horrible. So much wasted time. This is like as low as we've ever gone.

I apologize again. This riff. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Brandon from Baltimore. I just wanted to let you know that my friend Megan turned me on to your show and I went on vacation to North Carolina from Baltimore and drove

eight hours and listened to your show the entire way. And about literally 20 feet from my destination, I had driven past a, I guess a karaoke bar, and it was a Friday night, and a drunk, intoxicated surfer dude with long blonde hair pulled out. He ran out into the middle of the road, and he mooned me. And I've been mooned before, but he pulled his cheeks wide open. And, yeah. So eight hours of you guys, 20 feet from my destination, and then that. And I just wanted you to know.

I'm glad we know. I'm glad we know. You know what I mean? This is one of those the more you know situations. Sure. Do you think that it's possible that the more Jordan, Jesse, Go! you listen to, it's sort of like taking ecstasy in that it sort of heightens everything, makes everything feel more intense. Do you think that's possibly what happens? It's why people suck on pacifiers while they listen. It sort of affects, instead of like, ecstasy affects your internal chemistry.

But I think Jordan, Jesse, Go may affect, in a similar way, the fabric of space-time. Yeah, I think it probably does. Or maybe that was just our friend Tyler. Oh, yeah. Showing us by home? Could be. That's possible. There should be a name for that, by the way, when you spread the cheese.

Because that's not just mooning. That should be another thing. Everyone's seen a bum. That's not that shocking. But when that other thing happens. When you see an anus or a rectum. That's taking it to a totally different level. Sure.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse. This is Bethany from Philadelphia. I'm calling with an ongoing momentous occasion. I'm a fairly new Jordan, Jesse, go listener. And your show was recommended to me by a close friend who we've been good friends for a while. a while. He's one of my funnier friends. And my momentous occasion is that the more Jordan Jesse Go episodes I listen to, the more I'm realizing that his humor is not at all original. All of his jokes have come from your show. What? This is momentous for me.

This is an ongoing revelation for me. So, yeah, love the show, and talk to you later. Bye. He's always talking about getting mugged in the tough neighborhood that he grew up in. Sure, he's a biter. He looks like we have a biter on our hands. He loves to talk about Herzog's Vi. Sure. You know what, Jordan?

Hmm? I don't mean to get all Cory Doctorow on you right now. No, are you going to say that our podcast is fair use? Yeah, fair use. Creative Commons license. I say steal our jokes. Nope, I disagree. They're mine.

Don't take them. What's one? Especially if you're using them to impress chicks, which it sounds like this guy is. Jordan, name one joke that we've made in three years of doing this show that was worth protecting. It's the principle of the thing. So you won't let him do it? No, I don't.

Shit. And most of the good jokes, let's be honest, most of the good jokes are yours. I'll send the jackboots down there to Philadelphia. I've got something they can't steal, which is I've got the golden pipes, Jordan. Sure, it's true. You need to embed some kind of an Easter egg in your jokes. So the way he's trying to tell them. There should be a water market.

Yeah. You get a water market. That's a good point. Oh, man. I think that's worth it. But what about this? I want to hear specifically how he's passing them off. It'll increase our touring revenue.

No, no, no. I want to follow up. I want to follow up call to this. I want to say... I want to hear... This is how we're getting new fans. She learned about the show from this joke stealer. Yeah.

Well, I would have... Think about this. But he's not necessarily... Let's just say... Citing us. Let's just say... There are people out there doing this and then not telling people to listen to the podcast. Jordan, your favorite new show is The Jeff Dunham Show.

Yes, it is. Let's just say that. So let's wrap this up before it comes on. Let's just say that Peanut started talking about power jams, for example. Sure. Don't you think that would bring a new, more sophisticated audience to our show? The Jeff Dunham audience?

Not if they don't cite us. Not if there's not an asterisk. Well, maybe that's the middle way, is people can use Jordan Jesse Go material if they cite you. Maybe this is... Yeah, sure. We've got a T-shirt.

Let me ask you, we've got a Jordan Dressy Go t-shirt contest going on right now. It goes until the end of the week, which is what? I'm looking at a calendar here. We're talking about, it's going until the 13th, Friday the 13th. It's a good luck date for the end of my contest. Maybe somebody should just work on a shirt that just says, I stole all my jokes from Jordan Jesse Goh. Or just one of those property of shirts. I did this thing called the Kwanis Club Stars of Tomorrow talent show when I was about 10. I decided I was going to do stand-up

comedy. And so I sat down to write a hilarious act. It turns out it was really hard to write jokes. So I write some jokes about tabloids and how they have improbable stories on the cover and how Elizabeth Taylor has been married many times. This is in the 80s or something. And then I'm out of – You don't know what year it was when you were 10. Who fucking knows? Right.

Who can do math? So my friend says – there's this comedian. I don't think anyone knows about him. His name is Stephen Wright I have a tape of his So he gives me the Stephen Wright tape Those are perfect little one-liners Just to write a few of them down

So I'm up on stage and I'm like AM, PM, it's so expensive And also the food is not good And then I just shift I actually become I go, I used to have a pony He was in an electrolysis accident all of his hair was removed except for his tail and now i ran him out to harry krishna birthday parties

and i just start doing stephen wright material as stephen wright and someone yells from the audience you're ripping off stephen wright but the judges didn't hear him and i took second place nice i like how there was a shift in tone in the middle. Yeah. Just like in Stephen Wright's real act. Right. Stephen Wright will do a few minutes of high energy, observational stuff about relationships. Sure.

And then he pulls the baseball cap down lower on his head, lowers his mouth like this, starts talking in a monotone, and does the weird shit. I'm going to get a tent tattoo of myself on my body of me but taller. The pseudo jokes. He just invites you into his crazy world. And sometimes he uses a puppet. Right, yeah.

Sometimes he talks about how crazy beaners are. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I just registered for MaxFunCon. I'm sticking for myself and my brother and I'm really, really excited. MaxFunCon, I'm thinking for myself and my brother, and I'm really, really excited. MaxFunCon, gentlemen. Yes. I'm so excited about MaxFunCon, Jordan. I've got, I'm

literally, I'm literally smushing bananas into my face right now. Wow. Because that's how excited I am. You thought it was just a compulsive thing, which it also is. I actually, that was very for me, awkward, because you and Jordan go way back. I didn't know if it was just a compulsive thing, which it also is. Actually, that was very, for me, awkward, because you and Jordan go way back.

I didn't know if that was just a thing you did, if we talk about the bananas or we don't talk about the bananas. Right. I don't talk about it. We try and talk more about Jordan's sweater and what kind of sweater Jordan's wearing. That's mainly what we want to focus on. Right. So that's the focus of the thing.

Here's who's coming to Max von Kahn, Luke Burbank. The Bammer's coming back, Maria Bamford. Don't you love Maria Bamford? She stilled my heart. God. I just wish I could just give Maria Bamford a hug and say, you're the greatest person in the world sometimes. She wanted to come back because she's going to have a stand-up comedy open mic during the class portions of Max Von Kahn max fun con anyone any skill level that's her

rule uh but that you have to be trying something you haven't tried before so she's going to do material that she's never done before she's going to get some of the other comics al madrigal's going to be there he's going to try some material he's never tried before and all of the and and anybody who wants to try doing stand-up comedy with an audience can do it. And Maria Bamford will give you a hug afterwards probably. That's worth the price of admission. Right? Isn't that amazing?

Okay. Mark Maron, our buddy Mark Maron. WTF. One of the funniest guys in the business. Hilarious podcast, WTF. I really think people should check out his podcast. It's really great. He's going to be there.

Of course, Hodgman and colton are coming back that's going to be very exciting return engagement return engagement for mr uh john hodgman i asked john hodgman um i i called him and i said you know you're you're you go you'll come back to uh max funcon right and he said of course and i said i want you to do the benediction for max funcon because his speech last year was such a powerful kind of binding force for the whole thing. I feel like it set the tone for the whole event. He's really like

there with his bottles of Malort, the Curious Botanical or whatever it's called, the horrible liquor of Chicago, ready to welcome people to Max Funcon. Hajmi made me drink a bunch of Crystal Head vodka. So there's that.

If you want Hodgman to make you drink Crystal Head vodka, Max Fun Con's for you. Probably the thing that... Oh, you know, we just added this thing about getting dressed for gentlemen. Yes. It's going to be Put This On Presents Will from A Suitable Wardrobe. Well, A Suitable Wardrobe is one of my absolute favorite clothing blogs.

This is a man who's to the nines every day and knows everything about men's tailored clothes, like everything. And he's going to give a presentation that basically says, if you want to dress like an adult, here are the basic rules of dressing like an adult this people so many people were asking me are you going to do a put this on thing are you going to do a put this on thing like we do monsters apart there's plenty of jesse at this thing sure so i thought this guy's like my hero of getting dressed i'll invite him and he totally is coming but the most amazing thing jordan he's been a guest on this program he's been a guest

many times on the sound of young america he's probably the greatest person in the world second to mr the late mr rogers the greatest living person a condor who eats a chicken the condor will be eating the chicken live on stage his name is ricky andrew wk i'm talking about andrew wk what Andrew WK Andrew's going to be coming to Max Von Con He's flying out from New York City Why aren't you pumping my drunk My hungover improv class Why aren't you pumping that?

You can take improv class with a hungover Jordan Who will sort of look Look down at the ground While you're doing your scene Because he doesn't like the light Right? More or less? Is that a fair description? Sorry, i didn't mean to i didn't mean to undersell your improv there's lots of stuff i didn't even mention i didn't even talk about the craft class i didn't even talk about

casper hauser i didn't even talk about elephant larry i didn't even talk about clifford and kid i didn't barely said anything about jonathan colton god max woodcut is going to be fucking sweet. Yeah. Andrew WK doesn't need a plane to fly here. Don't you feel like he'll just... He can just fly here on winds of hope. He just catches a breeze. That's right. His dirty white t-shirt just fills with the winds and he sails over to... Where is it

at this year? Same spot? Same spot. Lake Arrowhead, California. Right here in Southern California, the beautiful San Bernardino Mountains. Our buddy Jimmy Pardo's going to be there. didn't even say jimmy pardo pardo's going to be there they're going to do never not funny he's going to host the comedy night god i love jimmy pardo i had lunch with matt and jimmy the other day from the never not funny podcast a great hilarious brilliant podcast ah that was a lot of fun it was a lot of fun wow great story you had lunch with some celebrities.

Make us all feel bad. What do you mean? You're telling me that you haven't had lunch with any podcasters lately? No. No one invites me. It's not too late, Jordan. We can head down to Rodeo Grill. Yes.

If you want to have lunch with me and Jordan and celebrity podcasters or other like the You Look Nice Today guys, maxfuncon.com. There's a new website, too. It's a lovely new website. So I'm just saying maxfuncon.com. When is this? May 7th through 9th. It's in May. You're looking at a May date.

A May start. You're talking about starting Friday afternoon through Sunday lunch. Yeah. You're talking about two big show nights. You're talking about a day of intensive classes and talks. You're talking about great times after dark. You're talking about giving Jordan drinks. You're talking about free booze, free food, free lodging.

That's what we're talking about. Good times, great oldies. Yeah. The greatest hits of the 70s, 80s, and today. Yeah. We got Creedence. Zeppelin. three doors down uh clock of seagulls sure i had to throw in something from the 80s we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go

jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Bully Detective. Fat Fat checking in. Spanky. You like Spanky better? I like Spanky better than Fat Fat. Spanky Burbank. Spanky Fat Fat.

Spanky Burbank is really good. Yeah, yeah, it is good. Spanky Burbank has a really solid feeling. And that way people know, that way people have something to Google. You see what I'm saying? Sure. Good luck with that, Googling Spanky Burbank. Can you even imagine what that will return?

You could Google another good Google, Honeysuckle Duvet. Sure. That's the burlesque performer we named. Who sent me a really nice email the other day, by the way. Yeah, sent a really nice email that said, thanks for naming her and it's working out well and she really loves the show. And what a nice lady that honeysuckle duvet is.

Great. We had a blast on today's program. Yeah. Are you behind our battle against the Waldorf schools? If you are, 206-984-4FUN. And remember, be creative. You know, you don't need to... This isn't a factual slamming.

Don't just look up Waldorf schools in the dictionary and write a book report. Yeah, I would say follow, in an ironic twist, follow the Waldorf... Principle of discovery. ...discovery and of finding your own truth, even if it's not based in the facts. Yeah, that's what we presume to be what they do at Waldorf principle of discovery and of finding your own truth, even if it's not based in the facts. Yeah, that's what we presume to be what they do at Waldorf schools.

Or just take some mushrooms and then use your imagination to create hate. Hate shrooms. Yeah, just have a handful of hate shrooms at Fish Fest. Luke Burbank, what's the easiest URL for people who want to listen to Too Beautiful to Live, your fantastic podcast program? Well, thank you very much for asking, and thanks a lot for having me on the show, you guys. We're so happy we could ask. We've been trying to have Luke on the show for a long time. He's got these very rare little windows of occasions that he's in Los Angeles for six hours.

Yeah. The website is tbtl.net. TBTL, for Too Beautiful to Live. That's right. The name of your program. Luke Burbank. Luke, of course, short for Luther. Yes, short for Spanky.

tbtl.net if you want to listen to Luke's show, Too Beautiful to Live. 206-984-4 fun or jj go at maximum fun.org our theme music love you by the free design taken from kites are fun the best of the free design which is uh just a fantastic investment intent of ten dollars if you just take your ten dollars march it straight down to light in the attic records get yourself that best of the free design cd and jordan uh i think we would be remiss if we didn't mention the fact that if you use the internet browser and you type into the browsing bar max fun store.com yeah uh you'll get something there's

some pretty sweet shit you can get right now pretty fucking sweet premium ass shit luke you probably fuck around with your shit i do not fuck around yeah well i'm newer in this game and so i've been i was on the fence fuck around to fuck around or not fuck around ray my shit don't right and you and you got you got when you got half fired that was a wake-up call to you it was a half a wake-up call really it was a wake-up call which is why you're now on the fence. So you're just kind of drowsy. You're wandering around kind of drowsy. With half-fucked

up shit. Yeah. Okay, so you can buy shit if you want to at maxfundstore.com. We're working on a Jordan Jesse Go shirt. The contest is ongoing until the 13th. Submit your designs to mariel, M-A-R-I-E-L, at maximumfund.org. You've got to send her a printable

file, like an EPS. You're talking about, for example, an EPS or a scalable PDF. And a little mock-up that we can use on the web, something that's 500 pixels wide or whatever. So we can put it up and evaluate them, possibly have a voting contest to get you in there. I think that's everything we've got to say, Jordan. Boom, done. It's been a real pleasure. It's been a real pleasure to have the great Luke Burbank, tbtl.net.

We'll talk to you next week on Jordan, Jesse, go.