Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 117: Primary Colors

Episode Date: November 23, 2009

Neil Campbell and Paul Rust join Jesse and Jordan to talk about Bart Simpson and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

We finally find out the answer to the ultimate question. Which Bart Simpson is the best Bart Simpson? Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, you remember, I don't know if you remember this. It's a type of gum called double mint gum.

Yeah, vaguely. Okay, I'm going to tell you a little bit about it. I mean, I've never been much of a gum chewer, but. I'm going to tell you a little bit about this double mint gum. Okay. Number one, it's double your pleasure. Okay, I'm listening. Number two, it's double your fun. Hmm. And's double your fun and i think that's the

situation we have here today jordan oh we're so we're doubling our pleasure and our fun right exactly because of the gum i'm chewing i don't think i can uh i don't think i can jack off twice over the course of one show okay sorry let me explain the male refractory period to you. This is only an hour and 15 minute program. Sure. Jordan, you're 27 years old. You're a grown adult these days. Yeah.

We've got two great guests here with us. We've got Neil and Paul. Neil Campbell, Paul Rust, comedy writing and performing duo. Paul Rust, comedy writing and performing duo. You might have seen Neil being one of the bosses of the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in Los Angeles. You might have seen Paul in motion picture films such as I Love You, Beth Cooper, which I watched, and the Quentin Tarantino movie, which I also watched. Don't forget the mattress commercial. Oh, you saw that? I think so. You know, I kind of took a shot in the dark.

I'm like, I think that was Paul in that mattress commercial. Living Spaces, right? Yeah, and I remember it shot during the – I'm Paul, by the way. Oh, I'm Neil. Thanks for having us on the show. Yeah, thanks I remember it shot during the... I'm Paul, by the way. Oh, I'm Neil. Thanks for having us on the show. Yeah, thanks, guys. I'm sorry, most of our comedy is funny faces based, so we'll see how this translates.

Well, we're just going to describe the funny faces. Right. These are the rubber-faced men of a thousand faces. That's what their reputation, their show is. Heirs to the Jim Carrey throne. But no, I was in a mattress commercial. I think it was the first job I landed in Los Angeles. But it was like we got paid, I think, $150 for the day.

Was this a national mattress commercial? No, it was local. This wasn't for a sort of posturpedic. You weren't Delighted Sleeper delighted sleeper that's that's the or sleep fairy that's the white elephant that's what all of us hope to get right but uh no and the the i bet if i describe it it might jog some memories because a lot of people saw but it was like uh you're you spent so much you could only afford one mattress so when your parents spend the night they have to share the bed with you and your wife but the weird thing is is like i looked really young and she did too

so it almost seemed like we were brother and sister sleeping together with our parents like it was it didn't uh come across well but i remember it aired during the um the dog episode of during the uh oprah winfrey um what was that? The guy who lied in his memoirs James Fry Yeah, when he had to come on and admit So I remember that was like the Super Bowl But Neil literally was in a Super Bowl ad My one and only commercial

That I was ever in Which Super Bowl ad was that? I remember seeing you in a Super Bowl advertisement It was for Bud Light It was during the Colts Bears Super Bowl ad was that? I remember seeing you in a Super Bowl advertisement. It was for Bud Light. It was during the Colts-Bears Super Bowl. And it was me. I grab the last beer at the same time as this other guy, Nick Puga. Ah, fucking Puga.

We play rock, paper, scissors, and then I throw a rock at his head and murder him. Now, since that was during the Bears Super Bowl game, you get a lot of the super fans coming up to you, don't you? Well, yeah, but mostly asking for CPR because they're having a heart attack. Right. Did you get to meet Mike

Singletary? No. Walter Payton? Someday, hopefully. Were you able to pet a bear? They have a bear on set to pet? When we shot it, here's the thing. Would you like to fight my bear? A little behind-the-scenes tip here.

When they shoot the commercials in December, they don't let us know who's going to be in the Super Bowl yet. Really? You're shitting me. So you have to wear green jerseys, and then they put in the logos afterwards. And they just wound up putting in XFL teams. So I don't know. You know what they do?

Seems confusing. They put those ping pong balls all over them as they shoot it. So they can capture their motions. Right. Yeah. And then they actually create the Super Bowl from those motion capture sessions. Oh, you know the Super Bowl is all fake, guys. They just shoot it in a studio somewhere.

James Cameron. That's why James Cameron gets a credit on every Super Bowl. They shoot it in his submarine as he's going down a trench. Like, Springsteen had that set list planned out. You know. There's no way he just

planned each new note, making it up as he went along. And expecting his band members to join him. You know, while we're swapping commercial stories... Let's hear it. My one and only commercial thus far, I was in a commercial for The Local Weather with NBC4's Fritz Coleman. What was the commercial?

Oh, so was Ryan Perez. Ryan Perez was. Yeah, they actually cast a lot of UCB people in those. Oh, somebody described that to me. It sounded like genuinely funny, not just a – No, it was not funny. Oh, was it? At least mine wasn't.

But it was definitely a local weather not funny. Oh, was it? At least mine wasn't. But it was definitely local weather commercial funny. I was a surfer dude asking him where the best waves were. Oh. Here's the little thing about it. Can I hear your surfer dude voice? So I'm thinking about catching a gnarly swell down at Doheny, weather guy. What do you think? Oh, my God.

I was wearing a wetsuit. I had my board with me in his office. Sure. Your real board? No, prop board. Oh, okay. It's made of marzipan. Sure.

It instantly seems. And here's the thing. That it just kind of switches between close-ups of both of us. You never see us both in the same shot. So a lot of people have been asking me, you weren't actually in the room with Fritz, were you? Here's what I'll tell you about NBC4's Fritz Coleman. Not only was I in the room

with him, but the man stays for the reverse. Just so I could stay focused, so I could be in the moment. He could have left. He had weather guy stuff to do. The man stayed. He's no Eddie Murphy. He's like, headshot is up on the wall at the comedy store right yeah that's like one of those things that when i was a kid watching we were talking about this before we went on the air the simpsons

when i was a kid watching the simpsons tell me just for people who don't know what that is it's a program it's an animated series about an unruly family. I won't get into details. I won't even name the youngest or the boy. No, I won't name the youngest. She sought Mr. Burns. Does it hold up a kind of a funhouse mirror to society? You'd wish, but it's really an actual mirror, and that's just what society looks like. Ugh.

But where was I going with that i don't oh i remember they did a joke on it once where the weatherman like he does the weather and then he talks about how he's a stand-up comedian like you can see him do stand-up oh yeah i'm like oh that's silly and then i moved out here and saw like fritz coleman is an actual stand like i see where this is going his one man shows were on like the local PBS station and that's how my mom knew him it's easily the proudest my mom's ever been of me

is when I was in the Fritz Coleman commercial my mom's never been prouder of me than being in a commercial because like your friends can see it right yeah exactly Jordan, Jesse, we got Neil and Paul here. Of course, Jordan, myself. We got a lot more to come.

We'll be back in just a second. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. With us, the very funny Paul Rust and Neil Campbell. Comedy duo. Handsome men. Handsome young guys.

Comedy writers. They've written for the MTV Awards. The Movie Awards. Yeah, yeah. Do they consider the Video Awards like the big show? They're like, all right, kid, why don't you cut your teeth on the Movie Awards? The Movie Awards. Yeah, yeah. Do they consider the Video Awards like the big show? They're like, alright kid, once you cut your teeth on the Movie Awards, then... I mean, I guess

if I were them, I would because they don't actually even air movies on their channel. Sometimes they're videos, but as a comedian, I would say I'm actually more excited for the Movie Awards. I feel like they do more comedy. Did you prepare for that writing gig by renting and watching Get Bruce? Get Bruce and Lloyd?

Wait, was that what? We auditioned for that. Yeah, but it was a, whoa, that's so weird that it's Bruce and Lloyd and then there's Get Bruce. I wonder if they're companion pieces. I'm sure they are. I'm not even going to do research. Inspired by. Inspired by No Although I did see Bruce Valanche

Eating once Surprise surprise We didn't need to prepare We came up with some pretty great jokes for that show Without preparing at all Yeah we should talk about the jokes that we really liked That didn't get on Anna Faris And Chris Pine were presenting without preparing at all. Yeah, we should talk about the jokes that we really liked that didn't get on.

Anna Faris and Chris Pine were presenting an award together. Who's Chris Pine? Chris Pine was in Star Trek. He was Captain Kirk. Okay. And we said, it was like, this woman's an amusement park ride, and he's a tree. Everyone welcome Anna Faris Wheel and Chris Pine Tree. Oh, man.

There was Leighton Meester was presenting with Little Wayne. Little Wayne and Leighton Meester. These next two presenters are what Batman's Hispanic butler calls his boss, Meester Wayne.

Like, okay, so obviously these are terrible uh but i i feel like scott who is the head writer scott ackerman like tweeted some of them as like the jokes that didn't get on or or something people were like blasting them so badly like they were done just sort of in the room as like stupid goons and then then people were like, these are the idiots that write this. Right, right, right. Now, I didn't watch the MTV Awards, but I feel like when I do watch kind of one of those kind of non-Oscar award shows, there's a lot of like weird product placement stuff. Did they want you guys to write that stuff in? Did you have to write like an Orbitz gum skit or something like that?

There was an Orbitz gum skit. Was there specifically write like an orbits gum skit or something like there was an orbits gum skit was there specifically an orbits yeah there was orbits wrote it uh no okay even it's really compartmentalized we only wrote specifically for andy sandberg live on the air stuff um other people had written the pre-filmed bits with andy other people were writing for the presenters like what the presenters actually said guys that sounds crazy how do you have a unifying tone that's fucking bananas

Bruno's people bringing in that stuff MTV is known for it's consistent tone so yeah we never really had to touch that but our whole job was like work you know with andy sandberg and and write which was great yeah he was awesome i just he and akiva were both just incredible yeah yeah and they were like they were excited about doing new and interesting things on the show and stuff so it was really fun but yeah somebody else wrote the orbits it was

like i'm still like i'm still like marveling at the idea that Jordan said Orbitz gums kit as a joke. And you guys are like, well, no, we didn't write the Orbitz gums kit. I mean, you know, I – This is proof that the secret works as far as I'm concerned. You know, just my – with my job at Fuel TV, we have to do a ton of stuff like that. We have to write a ton of funny bits involving products. Oh, really? I feel like I just have a short list in my head of the companies that want that a lot, and Orbitz is one of them.

Yeah, they're probably the... I think it was Hayden Panettiere and then their made-up mascot character. I think what we do is... I mean, I think maybe Andy came up with this, but sort of made fun of... Because I think their mascot guy was like some... MC Dirty Mouth or something like that. Something like that. And then later Andy was like, guys, can you believe

MC Dirty Mouth is here? Whoa! It's like our Woodstock. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, which was funny because Hayden was doing that in that bit and when they introduced her it was like from i love you beth cooper hayden panettiere and i was like hey this could be good for the movie you know and then like not hayden's fault but like just the the shittiness of that written bit like it totally sucked i'm like oh all right and then our

competition we were going up against bruno and then like drops from the sky and that's all everybody's talking about I was like well I wonder what made more of an impact a hilarious prank on Eminem or funny

product placement well they were both huge smash heads yeah both Orbit's gum and Bruno became very popular

you know Orbit sent out a press release that said, Much talked about MTV Awards. Yeah. Oh, that poor person. Bruno features Orbitz Gum by following it. They would be like, you know Eminem had just heard about Orbitz before. That's how they hooked their tree.

Yeah. That's part of why his reaction was so funny. Are Orbitz the new bruno's balls well they had that as their tagline long before that had been that had been in their print they'd been using it for print they hadn't moved it over to other media yeah well you know you got advertising they ogilvy and mather came up with that i used to work right next to ogilvy and Mather down in Culver City. Whoa, really? I don't mean to brag. Oh, I'm not because that's a boring thing I just said.

I feel like all the restaurants in Culver City are really good. Yeah, Culver City has undergone a resurgence, guys. Yeah. It's now a foodie's paradise. It is. Hey, here's something I was going to talk about. Just to switch gears entirely. That was a good segue.

That was a clean, smooth segue. Hey, someone get this guy to work on my car. That was like Byron Allen worthy. Sure, absolutely. I feel like this is Comics Unleashed. So, Jordan! Speaking!

Oh, I saw that! Funny thing to say. People laughed at him. I was watching an episode because Benson was on and like, and he kept a tone, so I stopped. And he was like. Oh, I thought you meant. I thought you meant you watched it because Benson was on and you had watched Benson. Oh, Benson is in the Robert Goulet.

Guillaume. Guillaume. Guillaume, yeah. And you're like, well, Benson was on. Comics Unleashed is following after him. God, Benson has always been a great lead-in for Comics Unleashed. It's kind of the friend of – It's delivering power numbers. To the single guy.

It is to Comics – yeah. Veronica's Closet. Or Carolyn in the City, if you will. No, so I interrupted But oh Oh no I'm pleased But Byron Allen like just turned to the woman And was like

Now I hear you have some interesting thoughts about aliens Like that is not a And people laughed at him And then you kind of had to like go away So anyway so you were Speaking of your aliens Sure Why is it only rednecks get abducted?

Am I right? That was it That was her bit Was it? Yeah Oh god Oh man I'm calling them today

Yeah To buy a lottery ticket Your number is You just say alien Rednecks and aliens I just go up there Aliens Orbit command

Rednecks. You scratch this off. I have nothing. I'm just a guy who works at the convenience store. Yeah, you're with the gear shift. So here it is. Actually, a couple weeks ago, I just moved into a new place. Nice.

Yeah, yeah. And I had been there a couple of days and was very excited about it. But then I noticed that I think some – I thought that some of my neighbors might be like crazy meth junkies. There was a lot of kind of trembling, sweaty people hanging out on their stoop and a you know a mattress in the uh in the living room a lot of stuff went down i'm just gonna i'm gonna offer a little summary of it um uh was first someone asked jordan to borrow twenty dollars that he didn't know yeah just the lady asked me to borrow i'm sure he was good for it and and then jordan was walking home with a new Brita water filter, and somebody asked him if he was going to sell it.

He's like, hey, are you selling that? I was like, yeah. Because this man obviously has a lifestyle where he carries around things that he wants to sell. Yeah, that's how it works. And he just assumes that that's what people do when they have an item. Right. You also had like a one-man band outfit on. Right.

You're a jack-of-all-trades. Exactly. Oh, and I was a painted silver as a human robot. Anyway, so yeah, just some kind of random yelling and a lot of odd things going on. Now, did you think it was just the people who lived there, they were part of the lease, or this was kind of like a crack house that people came to, like strangers? Yeah, it seemed like – Who wanted to get high. You know, I had – you know, just when I was kind of noticing the people who lived in the building when I was looking at it, I had kind of noticed this, you know, that there was this kind of young couple there with a baby.

It didn't seem unusual to me, but then – It didn't seem like a crack baby at the time. No, it didn't. I didn't get a look at its gums. It seemed like a standard baby. Yeah, just a normal baby. And yeah, it just seemed like the people they were inviting over were the types who are out to buy a brittle water filter from a guy.

So did you go over there? Did you bring over an Oreo salad as a housewarming? Yeah, I did. No, they would give it to you. You didn't have to welcome them. They should be welcoming you. Right, shouldn't they? Yeah.

With some meth. Sure, exactly. A meth salad. And then I didn't return the the dish and then there was a very awkward thing um yeah no apart from those them asking me for things interactions i didn't any i didn't have any kind of contact with them they did a few times they knocked on his door and asked to borrow some pyrex and baking soda wait why do you need... No, that's right. The drugs.

Anyway, but I think they're gone. Yeah, I don't... Knock on wood, I don't want to count my drug-addled chickens. But yeah, before they Richard hatched.

They moved too fast. Now, was it one of those situations where you saw them choking on their vomit in their sleep and you were going to save them and then you kind of held back and fought back tears? Let God take them. Yeah, exactly. You have a strictly conservative side in you. You're like, no, let the drug takers die. Yes, exactly. What do you think it was?

Do you think they left on their own volition or somebody came in and said, out of here. Yeah, I'm worried that this could just be temporary. I don't know if there is a crystal meth version. What's your address? Apartment number included. Oh, okay. Wait a minute.

And I'll describe the shape of my key, my house key. Right. It's a bigger one and a smaller piece. Peak, peak, valley, valley. Also, what kinds of electronics equipment do you own? And what time do you go to work? I'm worried that there might just be a crystal meth version of Burning Man that they're at now just for like a week. MethCon.

Yeah, exactly. You know, I was listening to our friend Mark Maron's podcast, the What the Fuck podcast, and his guest was Doug Stanhope. And Doug Stanhope was talking about how he had an annual festival where he and about 30 or 50 of his friends would get together in the desert and just do whatever they wanted for a few days. And then after a few years, he had to shut it down because shit went bad.

Really, Doug Stanhope? Really? You and your Doug Stanhope buddies having a drug-fueled bacchanal in the desert went bad. He's like, people I knew started inviting people they knew that I didn't know. Like, really? They weren't – it wasn't – because what I would have imagined is a bunch of people cutting the crusts off of cucumber sandwiches. Yeah.

I was going to say, yeah, it's not like when my dad would leave town to go fishing or something. My mom would be like, oh, I finally get to rent a room with a view. She could rent all the movies she wanted to see. I'm sure that's what Stan was going to do. I have a very – this is how dweebtastic I am. My exactly paralleled story is more about a movie club watching movies. And we would watch movies. Oh, that's right.

And I first started inviting over some friends, and we'd watch movies. What sorts of movies? Are these Doug Jones? Cult favorites? Are these wide releases? These would be largely cult favorites. Sometimes they'd be pretty good films from the 70s, like old Elliot Gould and Burt Reynolds movies. And then sometimes they'd be like teen sex comedies or beach sex comedies from the 80s.

And then sometimes they would be, yeah, you know, a satanic cult chasing people. Yeah, just kind of fun, obscure type stuff. Or maybe at the time it wasn't obscure but hasn't really aged well. But our buddy Doug Jones, he like scours yeah he always been together and we would do this every week is it does he does he have a crown jewel in his vhs collection i mean the one that i really liked was that um that west craven made like a made for tv movie like a year before nightmare on elm street yeah and it was amazing it was like um the suburbs invite you out.

It's a country club. Right. And it's also a satanic cult. Yeah. Oh. That was great. And so it had, like, very transparent commentary

on suburbia. Well, we would do this. Whoa, whoa, whoa. On suburbia? Yeah. Wait, so you're meaning that you're saying that in his crazy theory, behind the white picket fences lies something sinister?

Paul, I'm sorry. This guy sounds crazy. This guy sounds like a nut. This is insane. By the end, they've purged the evil and the suburbs are wholesome again. Yeah, right. But so – oh, he also – Doug texted me the other day. He was at an audition with –

The woman from Surf 2, right? Surf 2, yeah. Which is one of our classics. But anyway, we'd watch these late at night, like at midnight. Is Surf 2 better than Surf 1? Yes. Is it sort of like Babe Pig in the City in the original way? Yeah.

It's the godfather, part two, of surf movies. Movies titled Surf. Yeah, I'm sorry. Not beach movies. It's surf. But anyway, just on this Stan Hope. It was the same. I'm sorry, not beach movies. But anyway, just on the Stanhope. It was the same thing of Starless and Friends. Then it grew into a bigger thing.

And actually, it wasn't that the strangers or the people I didn't know were weird. In fact, I liked all of them. But it just changed the vibe. Well, it reached a certain point where even Doug couldn't make it one week, so I'm watching some weird movie. And I would be sleepy by the end because it was late at night on a school night. It didn't help that you would wear your nightcap. Yeah, my nightgown with my first initial on it.

I'm not sure. And I was like one week I was there watching some terrible movie. Or that Santa was there. It was like 2.15. I was so sleepy was like 2 15 i was asleep i was looking around who are these people yeah yeah i was like i'm gonna have to shut this down except for every once in a while yeah end of story that was how i'm like doug stanhope except instead of drugs and going zany we watch surf too that's sort of what happened with your apartment complex, right? I mean the first people that you invited were people who you were cool with.

To live in the apartment complex? Yeah, people you were cool with. Then they started inviting their friends. And the further it gets, the more degrees of separation, the less control you have. And all of a sudden, somebody is trying to buy your Brita filter for cash. Yeah, sure. What do you think he was filtering? I don't know.

Maybe he's just, I mean, who's to say that just because he's a druggie, he's not concerned with like, you know. Cryptosporidia. Yeah, minerals in his water. Must be some, yeah. You know what? Brita filter's probably part of the chart making process. A lot of people, I think, feel like everybody knows that meth heads have fucked up teeth. But a lot of people don't know that the reason for that isn't the meth.

It's indirect. It's because they use water filters, and it takes the fluoride out of their drinking water. It's really hitting the meth head population. That's, I think, the season arc of Breaking Bad Season 3, I've heard. I've heard. We haven't seen it yet. Wow, that's some great insider info info yeah he's gonna get caps for his

teeth thanks president hollywood and what year does it take place in that's just what they say about madman i'm sorry it's like what year is it gonna be all right anyway jordan's a real madman aficionado if you were wondering is jordanionado? Would you say you're mad about Mad Men? Would you say you're a Mad Man? Are you bad about Breaking Bad? All this. All this you guys said? All this is true. Are you in a biker gang for that show

about the biker gang? Sons of Anarchy. Yes, I want to be its son? I don't know. Mookie Blayclock told me that, not the basketball player, but the comedian, the funny actor. He said that his mom, who's Jewish, and the Jewish population loves Sons of Anarchy. Really? I've heard it's really good, but I haven't seen it yet.

This is what I'm reporting back for the Jewish community. For any particular reason? No. I think it's hilarious good, but I haven't seen it yet. This is what I'm reporting back for the Jewish community. For any particular reason? No. I think it's hilarious that they like Arizona biker guys. Like, there's really... So it's just kind of one of those weird, inexplicable things, like how, like, Hispanic teens love Morrissey. Yeah.

You're like, why do they like that? And it's funny. Well, as you mentioned, I work at the UCB Theater, and I'll frequently see, walking out front, who must live in the area, what's his name? Hellboy, who's the star of that show. Oh, Ron Perlman. Ron Perlman.

Oh, really? Yeah, he must live around because he's... Surprisingly short, right? Is maybe something you would say about Ron Perlman? I mean, who am I to speak? He's short. 5'8". Yeah, I saw him in a press junket situation once,

and I'm like, like wow he's so short Yeah he's not He's not like a 6'6 dude or anything Such a big on screen presence I thought you were being sarcastic He's very short right Like haha he's super tall when you meet him I think he's around my height or maybe a little taller

No way He's not like a massively tall guy Like you might expect for Beast and stuff. But yeah, he's the star and that dude from Undeclared and Children of Men, that guy is the other star. Oh, okay, okay. Charlie Hunam or something? I don't know. That's fine.

I am President Hollywood. I haven't watched the show. They can say shit once a show in FX I do know that is that the FX rule? once a show? one shit a show? they'll say shit on Mad Men sometimes we should have

rules for Jordan Jesse Go yeah one shit per show one shit per show starting next week here's the thing Jordan I just feel like Yeah, one shit per show. Starting next week. Oh, yeah. Here's the thing, Jordan. Yes.

I just feel like we have been giving standards and practices our outlines, but maybe we should give them our full script. That's true. Just to find out if we say anything, say, like, for example, this week. Can we show Mike? Paul had that whole anti-Semitic rip. Sure, right, exactly. I'm actually missing the next page of my script. Can I just read off of yours for the next minute or so? Paul had that whole anti-Semitic rant. Sure, right, exactly. I'm actually missing the next page of my script

and I just read off of yours for the next minute or so. Yeah, that's fine. I love that that's my source, though. One Jewish person told me that his one Jewish mother enjoys the show. Now the entire community.

All of Jewry. Yes. All of Israel comes to a halt on Thursday nights. That's when Palestine can sneak out. They're all watching Sons of Anarchy.

I love those old television stories like, when Lucy baked that cake, crime dropped 50% in America. Wasn't there something like after the season finale of MASH, everybody flushed their toilet and there was a water shortage or something? That's how Old Faithful.S.H., like, everybody flushed their toilet and there was, like, a water shortage or something.

That's how Old Faithful was created. Yeah, right, exactly. All the water. That's where the Grand Canyon came from. Oh, it's a lot like an episode of M.A.S.H. here with Jordan Morris, Neil, and Paul, Neil Campbell, Paul Rust. A lot more Jordan, Jesse, going. Did you like that? You like that outro I just crafted?

Let's all choose what match characters we are. I'm a craftsman. Get your tits out of the way. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective, Neil Campbell. Paul Rust. You guys can make up nicknames. We can make up nicknames. That's, boy detective. Neil Campbell. Paul Russ.

You guys can make up nicknames. That's part of the deal with being on this show. Kneeler Dude? Kneeler Dude's been my nickname since I think I lived in... Honestly, I think around 89. I spent my nickname for 20 years. When Dude was at its peak.

So you're Neil Campbell, Kneeler Dude. So if he's Boy Detective, Jordan Morris. It's not really, I guess, a descriptive nickname. Do you want to be just Kneeler Dude? There could be worse things.

Let me ask you this question. And I'm Sharon Osbourne impersonator. That'll come out later, guys. Oh, I can't wait! What's the best Bart Simpson? Regular Bart Simpson? Standard black Bart Simpson, like Malcolm X hat Bart Simpson. Jamaican Bart Simpson.

I'm familiar with all these Bart Simpsons. Like Cypress Hill Bart Simpson. His necklace is a chain. I've seen a Michael Jordan Bart Simpson. Yeah. His necklace is a chain. I've seen a Michael Jordan, Bart Simpson. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Michael Jordan, Bart Simpson. I'm going to throw in Latter-day Sopranos, Bart Simpson. Oh, yeah, they do that stuff.

Which of these is the best Bart Simpson? Well, in terms of the ones that made me laugh the most, it would be actual Bart Simpson by a count of one million to zero. Visually, which one's the most arresting is a different story. I'm, of course, asking which one is the most aesthetically arresting. Jamaican. Jamaican with a hint of Cypress Hill in there. Probably has some sort of doobie.

So you're talking about the Jamaican Bart Simpson who also is using a marijuana jazz cigarette. And he has dread. Yeah, sure. Okay. Paul, do you have? I like the Bart Simpson that's stuck between that fat woman's butt cheeks. And it told me that crack kills. For some reason, that joke, when the...

I assume it was probably Charles Scholes who drew that for that carnival I went to. It's crack kills, and it's a fat woman, and it's stuck in her butt cheeks as a person. I don't know why that person had to be Bart Simpson to make that joke work. But I think in my mind... But it does.

Bart Simpson always has a smart remark for every situation. But he didn't say it. It's like... He was just thinking it. Oh, okay. He was just text at the bottom of the butt. It was his dying thought. Paul, we've talked before on Jordan, Jesse, Go.

You weren't here. Can I just weigh in? Oh, yeah. what's your favorite? Tasmanian Devil with Sagging Pants. Go ahead. I was going to say, we've weighed in on the magic of David Letterman's humor that you almost can't tell why it's so special. I think that's the same thing with putting Bart Simpson in the butt. You don't necessarily understand why it has to be Bart Simpson, but once you

see Bart Simpson there, you know that it does have to be Bart Simpson. You know that David Letterman drew it. And to analyze it is to kill it. You guys know, you're familiar with David Mamet, the playwright, film director, screenwriter, David Mamet.

Famous curmudgeon. Legendary curmudgeon. Did you know that David Mamet. Famous curmudgeon. Legendary curmudgeon. Did you know that David Mamet writes New Yorker cartoons and submits them to the New Yorker every week? Whoa, really? Do they get published? No, they do not. That's the best part. Wait, does he just do the caption contest at the end?

No. Or does he actually draw and... His hobby is making cartoons and submitting them to the New Yorker, but he's never actually gotten one published. I have a funny... Well, he's got technically two hobbies. His first hobby is that his second one is casting Rebecca Pigeon in films. I teach sketch and improv at the UCB Theater,

and I won't say why, but he came to one of the class shows once for an improv class show. But you won't say why. I probably shouldn't. you won't say why. I probably shouldn't. You shouldn't say why. He had a... He was trying to get... He was trying to steal some material

for the film State in Maine. He knew someone in one of the classes. That's all. Yeah, that's good. He was just trying to get... Rebecca Pigeon

was in one of the classes. She was there too. It's funny though that a guy who's all about the crafted word and like when people do the scripts

it's like getting it down word for word would go to an improv show. Yeah, he was very nice. He came backstage and said great job to everyone. I saw him once just walking around and he was wearing a beret. I thought that was really funny.

I'm like, oh, of course you're wearing a beret casually. He's an artist. He's an artist. I've read several of his books, which I really enjoy because he's so – I mean he's a ridiculous man, just an absolutely ridiculous man with just every – and what's amazing to me about his books is every idea in his books comes down to ethnic groups among the Jews. Like he is very specific about your Sephardic Jews. Oh, really? Yeah, absolutely.

Is he an Ashkenazi Jew? He himself is an Ashkenazi Jew. And he is very keen on the differences between the Ashkenazi Jew and the Sephardic Jew. That's funny. I was just at a dinner party last night and somebody was discussing... Was it Rebecca Pigeon?

Yes, yeah. But somebody was telling about... Joe Mantegna? At Shakey's? Yeah, yeah. I have a funny... Joe Mantegna doesn't do anything unless it's at Shakey's.

If you want Mantegna there, you've got to put it at Shakey's. I have a funny or semi-funny story about the new yorker um so you know they have those yeah like you said make there's a cartoon contest in the back yeah right and i open it up and i was like you know what i consider myself a comedy writer i should try to yeah challenge myself. MTV considers you a comedy writer? Yeah, if MTV does, then certainly the New Yorker will. Right. And so I opened it up, and in the back it was like cars on an assembly line,

and then big dollops of ice cream with toppings were on top of the car, right? Okay. And so I was like, all right. Sort of a combination car assembly, Sunday assembly situation. Got it. That's exactly it. And so I'm like, alright. Sort of a combination car assembly, Sunday assembly situation. Got it. That's exactly it. And so I'm like, okay, let me think of a caption. And this was the one I came up with. Here come the ice cream cars.

Very clever. Very clever. Who would like to hire Paul Rust as a writer? You can contact CAA. Yep, Paul. That's what the picture is. There's ice cream on those cards. This is someone who's not in the captions pointing at them.

Like maybe some people aren't looking over there, so he's letting them know. I wonder if you submitted every week the caption, why did the world turn to black and white? How long did it take before they finally just go, stop it, fine, we'll publish it. This businessman has some characteristics of a fish. Just saying what's going on

in the thing. What about just, oh fuck. Well, you found that one online, right? That the guy was just like, oh fuck shit. Somebody just swearing at each other neil and paul are here jordan jesse go we'll be back in just a second with more it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Neil Campbell. I have an announcement to make. I am the author of Primary Colors. Oh, yes! I knew it! I knew it!

It was me. For a while, I thought that you were, but then I talked myself out of it. It was me. I talked myself out of it. I thought, I was thinking George F. Will. And I'm the director of Primary Colors, Mike Nichols. I knew it. I knew it.

You're from Nichols and May. From Nichols and May. That's right. That's right. Some of the classic comedy bits of all time, you co-wrote and performed with Elaine May. Sorry she couldn't be here today guys she uh the birdcage two words the birdcage all thanks to our friend here thank you mike or paul should i call you mike or paul i'm actually mike nichols but i go by you go by paul rust for acting yes

as a 20 something right yeah directing is a 70 something mike nichols acting as a 20-something. Right, yeah. Directing as a 70-something Mike Nichols, acting as a 20-something. I have a special booth I step into before every audition that reverses my age by 50 years. An age booth. Yeah, age booth. Oh, right, you guys know what it is.

Yeah, no, no. I live in Silver Lake now, Paul. You can use shorthand with us. We're all Hollywood insiders. You can say AB if you want to. Look, Koreatown Jesse didn't know about age boots. Silverlake Jesse,

I have three age boots. And they're Audis. Audi age boots. One's just for your dick. I have one of the most youthful. I actually put it too far. I have a pre-adolescent dick. So now that you live in Silver Lake,

do you like hang out with the guy who edited Shrek? You're talking about Mike Nichols? Don't you think they brought in Mike Nichols

to do some punch up on Shrek? Oh yeah. You know what they did. He suggested a few gags about something he read in Harper's. Let's go to the telephones, shall we? Why not?

Is this live? Hey, Jordan and Jesse. This is Shannon from Omaha. I'm the wife of Duke Rayburn from the forums, and I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. The other day I was walking my dog, Ruffles, who is a very small, wiry dog, and I was walking him in the park and a hawk started to follow us, flying from tree to tree and just sort of stalking my tiny weasel-like

dog. And my flight or fight resources started to kick in and I started to think about how I could possibly protect my dog from a hawk and the only thing I could think of was to get the pepper spray that is on my keychain and I actually got it out of my pocket and was ready to shoot a hawk in the face with pepper spray before I realized that that was the worst idea I ever had. So it might actually be a non-momentous occasion or the momentous occasion of realizing that I'm an idiot, but I thought it was funny. That's an amazing... Yeah.

Why wouldn't she just pick the dog up? That would be my solution. You pick it up and you hold it close to you. Don't you think that the hawk would just get up in there? Maybe. Hawks are agile. Yeah. They're agile like a hawk.

We went to... Paul and I went to the University of Iowa, so we are hawk eyes. So when she was telling that story, I was just licking my lips for that little doggy. But then I heard that pepper spray and I got scared. We were talking about me. You wanted to fly back to your nest. We were talking about me living in Silver Lake now.

I was walking my dog the other night and a fucking coyote is walking around. What the fuck? Just on the street in the second biggest city in America. Yeah, my apartment is like an animal reserve. I step out, and there's skunks and coyotes. Badgers. It's so scary, too, because I'll just be walking along my merry way. My dog got...

A quetzal, the beautiful parrot, the quetzal. I think the meth heads in my apartment kept a bunch of snakes, but... Surprise, surprise. Paul and I love to kind of joke about, I think in the book Less Than Zero, there's passages about him driving through the canyons and seeing coyotes, and they're kind of like, how is he so different from a coyote? He's a lone wolf in a way.

It's like in Los Angeles is this wilderness where there's no, you know, there's no law and you're just eating out of the garbage. Like,

we just love to kind of riff on that idea of like, saw a coyote and tearing apart a corpse of something I couldn't tell what it was

on the side of the road. It was probably a producer. Gordon. I couldn't tell what it was on the side of the road. It was probably a producer. Jordan. Jesse. Jordan. Jesse. Jordan.

Jesse. Go. Great show. Isn't that nice? Well, nice guy Eh I don't know He sounded

He sounded like he didn't want to sing He sounded like someone was making him sing He's just a cool indie rock guy He's like an Elliot Smith type Yeah He's pouring his heart out He's like Put a little razzle dazzle into it

Jesus He's doing this for him So yeah Do you think it was more of Oh my god I just was struck by inspiration to write this song. Or was it, I want to hear my voice on the internet. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.

It sounds like, I don't know. It sounds like maybe his girlfriend likes the show more than he does. And she's always been pressuring him. Why don't you ever sing Jordan and Jesse songs? Why don't you ever sing them songs? He's like, fine, I'll do it. That was the toad I was detecting.

What would make me sad is if he had been working on it for like two years and finally had the courage but he's still... He's hanging himself. He's still a little shy when he sings it

so he doesn't sing it with gusto. Oh, yeah. Well, maybe. Now he's embarrassed. I think... I've noticed there's a lot of girlfriends

having these Jordan-Jesse-Go-based relationships with boyfriends lately. Yeah. Like this guy who sang the song for his girlfriend. There was the lady who started listening to Jordan Jesse Goh found out that her boyfriend was stealing all of his jokes from us. I don't think that was a boyfriend situation. I think that was maybe an early dating situation.

Okay, early dating situation. I don't think it was a full-blown relation. I don't think they were like— Not to be rude, but I would break up with that person automatically because I think it's like a combination of like. Because you guys aren't funny. He has horrible taste. No, it's just like, that's like deceit plus like not being funny. That's like the big, that's the deal breaker, guys.

Oh, that's from TV. Yeah. What happened? That's from the big, that's the deal breaker, guys. Oh, that's from TV. Yeah. What happened? That's from 30 Rock. Remember how the catchphrase is, that's a deal breaker, fellas. It could be from a blog that came out. I was, our friend, yeah. Our friends made a blog that was deal breakers that came out a couple months maybe before

that showed up on 30 Rock. And now they have a book deal for that blog. Do they? They do. Oh, that's good. But it's also like on the show she has a book deal for a deal. Like it's a – it's – 21st century meta.

I'm sorry, guys. What was that? Art imitating life. What happened? Just like a coyote will imitate a wolf to get into a wolf party. What are you confused about? I'm sorry. I was just spaced out.

I was – I guess I was just thinking about Cisco telepresence. Are you shilling for them again? They're just paying you to promote. But at least you're doing the ads in a fun, self-conscious way. Is that Cisco's last name? I get it. I see. You're talking about the Cisco kid?

Yes, yes, yes. I get it now. Oh, You're talking about the Cisco kid? Yes, yes, yes. I get it now. Oh, taking telephone calls, huh, guys? Yeah, let's hear it. Hi, Dan. My name's Matt. I'm a 24-year-old straight male. I had a relationship question.

My girlfriend and I have been running into this problem where she can't achieve orgasm. She can't climax unless Roswell is playing in the background. Does this make me gay? Thanks. Love your show. Bye. He was calling it to another podcast. He's funny. He's so funny, the things he said. Neil.

What? Neil. It's so funny. Neil. It's so random. It's a little much. I'm just trying to take a stand. That's good. You responded honestly. I actually exaggerated. I didn't care. I know. It's that's good. You responded honestly. That's good. Oh, no. I actually exaggerated.

I didn't care. I thought it was kind of funny. I was funny he called into the wrong show. I thought we could do some bits about it or something. We could talk about it. Make some jokes. I didn't mean to brutalize this poor young man. This guy's going to have nightmares about Neil.

What's wrong with him? I i'm sorry i really didn't think handsome midwestern face is gonna step out of the bud light commercials and into this guy's nightmares someone's gonna start commenting on any place you can comment on the internet and say nice things do you have some comment-based areas up there? Oh, just any place you got a video up or something. Oh, I get you. Neil, you're the new Perez Hilton. You're so catty, you can't be contained.

Your cattiness cannot be contained. You just drew some virtual cum on this man's face. You'll draw tears on anything. Well, here's maybe why I'm the dummy here. I didn't think he was calling it the wrong show. I thought the whole thing was like, I'm doing a goofballs bit. Oh, here's just some nonsense.

Yeah, it was like, hey, here's a little silly thing he came up with. How are you supposed to answer it? Billy loves tacos. It's like when you're trying to do, you know, like... Here's what I think. You're like a shark. You smell blood in the water.

You swam up to it and ate it with your fangs. I loved it. I liked seeing, I liked Neil's exurbic move. You like it when his claws come out. Somebody needs to put these collars in their place, though. They're getting, I don't know, they're getting indolent. Really? Don't you feel like they kind of are?

Like, about time somebody, like, I don't know. Neil finally said it. Do you think that, metaphorically speaking, we need to roll those tanks into the square? Yes. Is that what you're saying? I think we should do it literally. Yeah.

We should literally murder our listeners who are literally having a protest in China. Roswell isn't the one who sings, I got this feeling somebody's watching me. I think she meant, or he meant, there's a TV show, Roswell. The China. Roswell isn't the one who sings, I got this feeling somebody's watching me. I think he meant there's a TV show, Roswell. The television show, Roswell. The canceled WB Alien. That's Rockwell, I think, anyway.

The one who I thought. Oh, so Roswell plays it on. Okay, okay, okay. That was the show that had Katherine Heigl before Raisa Hanabee, right? Was that right? Katherine Heigl was on Roswell? That's right.

You're right. I think so. I don't know. Now, what about John B.? What does he sing? I don't know. John B.? John B.?

The buzz song. Right. The buzz song. John B. Buzz. I'm buzzing my way down to get a prostitute. John B.? Well, if you think I'm... I yeah that guy right now is at home going

ha ha ha do you quick question Neil do you mind a million times worse joke do you mind do you mind if I twitter that is it cool if I twitter that

please do jokes too good for the MTV Movie Awards I guess that would fall in the category jokes too good for the MTV mid Awards. I guess I would fall in the category jokes too good for the MTV mid-90s slow jam awards. Going back to that,

all of our jokes were just based on the presenters' last names. That's the only thing I could draw inspiration from. It would be better if all of your jokes were based on slow jams from the mid-90s. Rock and roll gangster, maybe. I don't know.

Make a joke about that. I guess her show has come to the end of its road. Oh, that's good. That's good. Voice to men. That's a good slow jam. Thank you. Do you have any more?

I never knew if that was a vanity cane or a real cane that the tall boy to man. Or a candy cane. I guess he was licking it in those shots of that video. Do you think it's possible it was a barber's pole? Maybe. That he carried around with him because he was a mobile barber. When he wasn't. What's the story on that? I thought I heard something insane where it was like

back in the old days when they would scrape flakes or strips of skin off your face and they would put it on the bars outside. But I was like, what? Oh, like Barbara Pulse had some sort of gory origin? I went to the Mutter Museum in Philadelphia when we were in Philadelphia

doing Jordan, Jesse, Go and the sound of young america and the mutter museum is this muse it's a medical museum it's essentially a medical history museum but it started as a medical what's going on right now museum but in like the 1850s and one of the things that i learned was it wasn't until like the 19 teens, the like becoming a doctor process became formalized. Oh, so anybody could be a doctor before that. Yeah, and the American Medical Association started to exist as a real thing that like really made sure that doctors actually were doctors. So you could go to like – there were all these different kinds of doctors.

And so you could go to like a two-year school doctor but there was doctors that only gave lectures that was one kind of doctor there was surgeons only did cutting related things and their deal was they were they they their specialty the best surgeon was the one who did the thing the fastest because you weren't anesthetized so it was like a speed contest for them but barbers were like the lowest level of doctor like barbers were like today you might go to the urgent care clinic like in 1865 you just went to the barber and got that shit hacked off wow like the barber was in charge of hacking things okay so he was like a surgeon who had like a who had like a community college degree yeah yeah he's like a community college level surgeon surgeon i as a as a sort of a medical assistant is to a doctor now

only operating out of a barber shop and also giving haircuts it's funny when you hear like when i hear about how oh right they had a have a group of doctors that chose like how you had to get in this group and study like just those formative periods where things get america got their shit together and like was like oh guys come on we need a this is fucking absurd about that one i'm like what if we've talked about it neil and i about like if the world ended today or like we lost and like there was 12 people who existed like i would have nothing to fucking like offer at all in terms of like i haven't ever looked into like how a computer came together or even like doc you know doctoring as i would call it i saw something

recently on the internet that's like there's a t-shirt that's that's something like if you happen to be thrown back in time you should have this t-shirt on it's like, if you happen to be thrown back in time, you should have this t-shirt on. It's like trying to be funny, but it has everything on it of how to make concrete and stuff. Yeah, because I think about what would I fucking do? Somebody needs to write that book and then

seal it in Big Bird's mouth. The one thing that'll survive a nuclear holocaust. That's actually the real reason that the Children's Television Workshop was created. It was a covert program started by

LBJ to create the ultimate bird bee. We have this land bunker. We gotta... There was a thing on Radioab recently about a group of scientists got together and – oh, you know, this wasn't on Radiolab. This was on the Slate Culture Gab Fest. Sorry, Radiolab. Yeah, sorry, guys.

It seems like you need to step up your game. Jad Abelmrod. They're talking about that there's a – You've got a lot of boing and bong noises in your show, but is it a gab fest? Sure. I don't think so. Sure, you start the audio before the official introduction of the show, but what else do you have to offer? They're talking about how our nuclear waste is going to be around for 10 or 20,000 years after.

We did it. We did it. Earth, earth, earth, earth, earth. Fuck you. And so they're going to store it somewhere, but they want to make sure that future scientists don't come into the nuclear waste area and die. So they're wondering. They're like, what if language isn't around? What do we put on the walls?

And they're kind of wondering, how do we let them know that this isn't valuable? How about this isn't our treasure? So they shouldn't keep digging. Oh, right, digging it up. What's the symbol they came up with? Just a bunch of screaming faces. Really? So yeah, the walls of this housing area just have screaming faces.

I bet the ancient Egyptians thought the same thing. Like, how do we warn people not to go into our tubes? Scary bird head guy! Yeah, we'll draw all these drawings that should scare people off so they know that they won't be infected by these spirits that exist. That are real, that we believe in. What they came up with is an

orange and yellow bird that's seven feet tall. Jordan, Jesse, go. Neil and Paul with us. We'll be back with more in just a second. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, and my boss called me rustproof that was his nickname for me nice and uh he once bought me um i had to stay in the booth so he went and bought me some food which is really nice he went and bought me like some fast food taco john's which is like i was that sounds good yeah it's great if you're going if you're getting tacos gotta go to john yeah he knows not one john is america

the guy he's staying with at his foreign exchange student program, John. But he gave – the best things were like their French fries were potato au laits and they were basically like tater tots. But he sat them down and I remember he said – he took some out and he popped them in his mouth and he went, you owe me one, rustproof. You owe me one. Wait. Was this a real radio station or was this like... No, you know, there weren't any microphones around, but we liked to think that it was a radio station.

There was a lot of exposed penises. And his last name was Friedman. He said my butthole was a natural microphone and if he just talked into that... You just speak He said my butthole was a natural microphone, and if he just talked into that... Speak into it? Speak into your own butthole.

And then play Leapfrog. Yeah. Then he fucked me. We ask our listeners to share momentous occasions in their lives with us as they happen or immediately thereafter for a little segment on the show called Momentous Occasions. Something momentous happens to you, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call.

We recommend programming it into your cellular telephone. But don't just label it podcast because then you'll call in with your relationship problems. Sure. Sorry. Hey, guys. I was just calling to tell you. Oh, this is Nolan from Connecticut. But I was just calling to tell you about the most amazing thing that's happened to me.

I was on the bus. It was really crowded. This guy gets on, standing with his butt in my face, which is charming, and he smells like an ashtray. Actually, no. He smells like the bowl of nuts that sat next to your grandma's ashtray in her house. That's how he smells. Got to separate those.

The stink is overwhelming. I'm sitting there getting madder and madder and madder. And I look up at him and he has a black eye. And it was fantastic. It was like the universe had already punched him in the eye for me. And I wasn't mad anymore. It was a magical

magical moment. It's important to have these magical moments in your life. I thought she was going gonna look up and it was a celebrity yeah i was like oh this is gonna end like what celebrities live in connecticut yeah and i looked up and it was dennis leary of course always smoking he really is an asshole ice age four whenever people say black eye It reminds me of

I had this TA I don't even remember What the class was Some class in college And there was You know a grad student Who was the TA for it And he

He would bring in like pictures He had like a Kind of newborn kid It was like a fall semester A kid had been born that summer And he would bring him You know he dressed his kid up As like Cartman for Halloween

And stuff Cheesy poofs Yeah Don't even get me started and um he uh one day showed up with like this black eye and i was like just this weird like i guess anyone could get into a fight but it's like it's extra weird it was this dude who was like your ta yeah and it was like a family guy you know i was like why is he like i just figure it happens out at a bar you get drunk in a fight but like when i was like 14 or 15 uh it was my um or maybe i was 12 or something it was my brother john's uh uh third birthday and uh my mom and dad were in the kitchen and they were just getting stuff ready for it and they were were joking around. My dad and my stepmom, I should say.

And they used to, like, joke, pretend to fight, like punch each other. And my stepmother is a very violent person, having grown up on the streets of Belfast and has a lot of punching techniques and would basically beat up my dad. But as a goof, you know, like just pushing him, pushing on him or whatever. And they're doing this and my dad's, you know, defending himself and they're like laughing and whatever. And my stepmom gets in a pretty good whack on my dad's shoulder. My dad sort of falls backwards a little bit. And he hits my little brother with his rear.

You know, my little brother's three, so he's real small. My little brother falls over and my little brother's face hits an open drawer. It just goes, boom. And he gets the giantest black eye. On his birthday. Like, the blackest black eye. And this is his third birthday. So this is a birthday where not just his friends come over.

It's the first birthday that he can remember things. Yeah, and it's also the birthday where all of the friends come over. It's the first birthday that he can remember things. Yeah, and it's also the birthday where all of the – like everyone's parents still come. All the kids' parents still have to be there the whole time. What are you doing to this kid? Yeah, and so they show – everyone is showing up in the backyard and my brother has this black eye that literally just like goes from like his – under his cheekbone to to halfway up his forehead. Oh, God. And their explanation is, well, we were fighting in the kitchen.

Yeah, exactly. He got in the way of our fist fight. That's funny. We weren't punching. We wouldn't punch our child. We were punching each other. But it was a joke. You leave your drawers open?

Awful. When I was a kid, I was, we had a drawer full of boiling water and he reached for the handle. When I was a kid, I was watching TV or something. My brother was, uh, like he's three years younger than me

and I was probably like five or six or something. He was like dancing on the coffee table in front of me. Funny. Still holds up. And he was like, dancing around and it like slipped and fell a dance at home this is great and hit his cheek right on the corner of the coffee table and i

just remember like instantly it was like blurt like a big yeah blurb of blood splurted out and my mom he started crying and to the actually i'm excited to see him he's coming down to la tomorrow but anyway he'll still have a black eye he still has a scar on his face oh really And he started crying. Actually, I'm excited to see him. He's coming down to L.A. tomorrow. But anyway. He still has a scar on his face. Oh, really? And our friend Mike has a scar on his face from the C-section when he was born. No way. Really?

There's like the doctor cut in too far and cut his face. Wow. No way. I didn't know that. Yeah. The scars we have. Hey, Jordan, just to go. This is Andrew from California. Southern California. know that. Yeah. Huh. The scars we have. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Andrew from California.

Southern California. Calling with a momentous occasion. I just went out to my mailbox, checked, and there was a college acceptance letter there. So I opened it up right away, and yeah, I got accepted to my first college. And it happened to be the one I wanted to go to. So I'll be going to my favorite college starting in spring. My favorite college. I'm pretty excited.

You guys are actually the first people I told because my parents aren't home yet. Oh, that's awesome. Well done. Thank you. Congratulations, Andrew. Yeah, congratulations. Higher learning. That's great.

I have a question for you, Jordan. That's exciting time. This is one that you guys can feel free to comment on this, but you don't have the repeated experience that we do. I'm always glad to get these calls. Around this time of year when they come in, we'll get a nice call from somebody who's in high school, got into the school they wanted to go to.

Once again, slack off the rest of the year too. Talk about senioritis, am I right, fellas? What if senioritis – Off-campus lunch? What if senioritis was something that senior citizens got like it's called knock over mailboxes after you know yeah that it's not vibrant 18 year olds getting it putting their headphones in in class here's my question jordan i say head buds do you ever feel like and i know this is an irrational feeling. I'm not suggesting this is a rational feeling.

But when someone calls in, one of these teenagers that listens to our show, God bless them, and to say they got into their school of choice, do you ever feel like they're making fun of us for going to UC San Diego? Yes, I do. Okay, good. It was very subtle. Right. I don't know if you guys all picked up on it. He was making the jack-off motion with his hand while he was calling. He never said what his favorite college was.

It's kind of like he's hinting at it the whole time. It's much better. It's probably pretty good. And better than Iowa. I don't know who the guests are going to be this week, but if they went to Iowa, it's better than Iowa. Better than that. I was driving through Westwood last night, and UCLA is right next door, and I saw a group of college students

walk by going out for Saturday night fun. I can say it was the first pang of like, those were the days. Have fun, Andrew. Have fun. Enjoy it, man.

Get totally baked. At least you'll be playing high school students in movies for the next 10 years. I get to relive it. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go. My name's Dane, and I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I just watched Doctor Who,

The Waters of Mars, tormented after watching it after it was on BBC One. Oh, my God. i still have an adrenaline rush it was amazing awesome great possibly best show ever no certainly best take it anyhow thanks bye okay i have a quick question about this yeah sometimes people will do you think that that guy was making fun of us for not being big enough nerds? I'll show you.

Nerd. I've never, I've never seen Dr. Who. I don't know anything about it, but then I saw some reference to, um, someone wrote like he will knock five times.

I was like, that sounds kind of creepy. I wonder what that is. Maybe that's like a movie. that sounds like a cool thing from a movie maybe i should watch that and i just did a google search probably from the godfather too and it was from like a doctor who thing and i just instantly was like wow i can't go through four decades or however much like to find that one part yeah like it sounded like a a cool warning thing that if it was a movie, I'd go check it out based on that one line. The only doctor who I've seen is – have you guys heard about that? In 1987, this guy overran the signal on WGN and came up as Max Hedrum.

Have you heard about this? Yes. It's the one time like – I haven't. That somebody jammed the signal and put on their own uh programming and uh he got it on wgn and um they quickly threw it off but the pbs signal was weaker you can youtube it it's awesome do like max head drum signal interruption i think but uh doctor who starts and then it fuzzes out and then this like really

he takes down his pants and he gets like spanked and then it fuzzes out, and then this, like, really, he takes down his pants, and he gets, like, spanked and stuff. It's great. I love that stuff. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, hilarious celebrity guest. I just want to call with a moment of occasion here. My name's JD from Cleveland, Ohio.

And this morning on my way to work, I was listening to your podcast, part of your podcast, where Jordan was talking about a car he was following with bumper stickers and In Memoriam stickers and Calvin P on everything. And I look up, and in front of me in the carpool lane is a black Honda Civic with the Ohio license plate, Max Fun. I kid you not. Ohio license plate, Max Fun. I kid you not. Ohio license plate, Max Fun. Not sure if they're a fan, not sure if it's a coincidence, but I just wanted to let you know they were driving like they were drunk.

So look out for that. If this person is listening, easy on the road rage, buddy, but keep up the good work. Sounds like they were having maximum fun. Yeah. Drunk driving is the most fun you can have. It's basically the funnest activity. It would be cool if that turned out to be Harvey P. Carr's car.

That would be cool. That would be cool. Dude, one time I interviewed Harvey P. Carr for The Sound of Young America. And after interviewing him for 40 minutes or whatever, not only did I want him to be my cool uncle, I thought I was pretty sure he was my cool uncle. Did you somehow become my uncle during all this? Yeah, I felt like he transformed into my uncle

through his hard-earned working class wisdom. Let me ask you this. How do you feel about my aunt? He said to him. Figures out whether he's your uncle or not. Do you want to marry her? Yes. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Joe.

This is Mike O'Keefe from East Lansing, Michigan. I am a college student, and I went home today to get a flu shot, and I found my 66-year-old father polishing a new pistol. So, awesome. That can be found in the Momentous Occasions folder. All right, cheers. Great show. Love it.

See you. Did you know that you can buy a gun for, like, $200 or something? Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, let's all pool our money can buy a gun for like $200 or something? Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, let's all pool our money and buy a gun. Jesse will have it on Mondays and Wednesdays. Like a sword, like what do you figure a sword costs? Well, is this a Lord of the Rings replica Aragon sword? That's going to be more.

Is it mounted? Or is it that Dragon movie Aragon sword? That's going to be more. Is it mounted? Or is it that Dragon movie Eragon sword? Sure. These are two different price brackets. The point is, I'm looking for a functional sword. That's got to be 500 bucks, right? So a gun, you're saying, is the better bargain because it does more damage to a human being.

I just think it's amazing. Faster and better. For like $100 or whatever, you can buy a kill machine that has the power to take away someone's life in an instant. I've shot a lot of guns because I grew up in Iowa and stuff, and I'd go hunting, and that is not a part of my livelihood anymore at all, is firing guns. But it was so insane.

Is that part of your livelihood? You're not a part of my livelihood anymore at all is firing guns but it was so part of your livelihood you don't you're not a professional killer or potentially a potential professional biathlete that okay cross-country skiing target shooting uh but i actually it's so in like ingrained in in uh iowa culture that i would get i remember my science teacher in eighth grade offered me extra credit points if i took a so ingrained in Iowa culture that I would get... I remember my science teacher in 8th grade offered me extra credit points if I took a hunter safety course. That's how badly

he wanted us. So I took a 3-week long course on how to fire a gun. Orange jackets! No, no. You say that every class. Hey, how about this? Don't go hunting with Dick Training. That's safety. I wrote a little song

about it. Rope it in, Mark Russell. Don't go hunting with Cheney. Because you'll get shot in the chest. There was something I liked about that guy's story,

and I mean this. It's not sarcastic, but of Mark Russell's story. You mean mean this. It's not sarcastic. Mark Russell's story? You mean how he came from the favelas of Brazil? He started in the Brazilian favelas. He fucked his way to the top. I fucked each and every one of the capital steps.

I did all sorts of sick shit. He kept giving us little facts. You have no idea how much of Noel Coward's come I saw To learn how to be witty in song But Neil you liked his story Well he kept giving like little facts That seemed like they were set up For the point of the story

Or something but it was more like at the end You get a just it's up to the listener To put them all together I'm from east lansing like all right yeah i'm a college student right here we go this is pertinent i went home to i have a i was carrying a silver candlestick i saw my dad polishing a pistol you're like gotta put all these pieces together now did you notice yeah or how about this he picked up a white phone? Quick suggestion here to the guy.

If you get murdered, call in and we'll solve the murder. Give us five pieces of information and we'll put them together. I think we can do this. I think. I think it was the professor, his college professor, who maybe had an eye on his syllabus. I didn't have a joke. So he said syllabus at the end. That's a college thing. Oh, you're right.

I pulled out a specific and hoped that would be the punchline. Here's the thing, you guys. Magic Johnson. Michigan State. Oh, okay. He didn't die from the gunshot wound. Oh. He died.

I hate those fucking things. I had a teacher who would be like, brain teasers. And he would do like, you got a box of three things. And I was just like, this is fucking made up. So we figure out this made up thing you made up, made up. You make it up. Paul's dad was killed by a guy who shot a gun that shoots ice bullets. He's a little sensitive about this stuff.

His dad was in a horrible accident with a fox, a chicken, a raft, and a sack of grains. He was trying to get them across the river without... He deserved it. His dad was fucking Will Shorts' wife. The Puzzle Master Will Shorts. We have a blast here at Jordan, Jesse. Go just laughing and joking and shooting and hunting and murdering and mystery solving. That'd be great the next New York Times crossword like

39 across. Star of I love you Beth Cooper comma his dad. We'll be back in just a second I'm Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris, boy detective Fairfax High School, class of 98, Neil Campbell

Galen Catholic, graduate 2000, Paul Rust That's Fairfax, Virginia, by the way And that's Galen Catholic Well, it was named after Bishop Peter Galen, but I'm sure your listeners know that already. No, they didn't. Get a load of this guy. Always great to have Neil Paul in here.

Neil Paul. Neil Paul. Neil and Paul. Paul O'Neill from the Yankees. Why don't you guys just both change your name to Paul O'Neill and we're both on the Yankees? Well, you know, it's funny. Maybe a slap header.

Neil's also friends with, or we're friends with a guy, Mike Cassidy. And Neil Cassidy is a character on The Road. Although, any AL, the shitty way to spell it. And I remember Neil and I met through a theater group, sort of open mic sketch thing at the University of Iowa called No Shame Theater. And there was a message board. And for about, I would say, like three months,

I was just an admirer of Neil's. We weren't friends. I was just an admirer of his stuff. And I remember I anonymously... He's a handsome guy. Yeah. Oh, believe me when I say he is. That's why I'm on radio.

I could get lost in those eyes. That's because they're crossed. Especially if you bug them out. Ooh, make some bigger. Ooh. But I went on – We should try that. We should try that sometime, like on a date.

Like in that moment where you're getting close, just put your fingers on your eyes. Just bug them out as far as you can. See if she gets lost in there. And she will. And then it will be like a weird trip into the mind. Yeah. Now you see how – I think it will be more of a magic school bus type situation.

You'll learn about the parts of the eye. Right. I guess it would be more of a magic school bus type situation. You'll learn about the parts of the eye. Right. I guess it would be more like the end of the date. Masturbating alone. Yeah, I need to hear the story of the friends. Yeah, this is my confession to Neil. I anonymously went on the message board, and I was too bashful to say it was me. But I was like, have you guys ever noticed that if you did Neil Campbell and Mike Cassidy's names

and put them together, and Neil, like, did, you responded to the post, which, like, made my week. Such a dork. Gay. Yeah, we're totally gay, man. Oh, man. Oh. Well, there's someone who I dated for, like, a year and a half

who, prior to that, knew Paul and I for, what, a year and a half who prior to that knew paul and i for what a year and a half prior to that and thought we were gay for a long time oh yeah like while you were dating she always like secretly suspected well she i think she still calls me gay but um it was uh uh because we do you know two-man comedy shows and stuff and and she calls you gay because you have a hard time getting it out. Yeah, yeah. And you have to have Roswell playing in the back. I don't have to be looking at myself in a mirror.

Oh, so you're just a narcissist. It's like American Psycho. She's dead now. It's called a nurse again. Chainsaw. Chainsaw accident. Yeah, I dropped a chainsaw at her from the foyer. Look at my business cards.

You guys, it was really a blast to have you here. Yeah, thanks for having me. I love doing it. Really fun. Of course, you guys are, you can be seen regularly

on the stage of the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater here in Los Angeles, either together or in various other combinations. We're in an improv group. Yep, everybody gets excited

when they hear that. Those four words, we're in an improv group. Yep, everybody gets excited when they hear that. Those four words, we're in an improv group. But Thursday nights at 11 at the UCB Theater. It was just named in LA Weekly's Best of LA, issue 09. Improv that doesn't suck. Best hour of improv that doesn't suck. What's your show? Of actually funny improv.

Yeah, we're called Last Day of School. So Last Day of School, Thursday nights at 11 at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles. Of course, you can watch Paul in the hit film I Love You, Best Cooper. Just came out on Blu-ray, guys. How do you look on Blu-ray? Wished I had whitened my teeth.

Let's just say that. If you're thinking... That's the truth. Well, I have... You feel like your teeth are a little yellow on the Blu-ray? I already saw that in the theater, if that's what you're thinking, well, I have, you feel like your teeth are a little yellow. I already saw that in the theater. If that's what you're thinking, outrageous alternate ending.

Wait, is it, is the Blu-ray uncensored and unrated? Uh, you know, they were going to go that route. I think the deleted stuff wasn't, uh, uncensored. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I made it a G rating. Wait a minute. we cut out the part with the anti-drug message

is the alternate ending not heartwarming? uh no it comes before the heartwarming ending and it's like um the bullies come to the cabin

and I I hit him with an oar outrageous yeah it's pretty outrageous it sounds pretty outrageous yeah it's similar with an oar um before we go i know it's outrageous and then when i hit him with the oar i want to throw oh yeah outrage in the heart of anybody who's watching i want to throw out one thing for our uh buddies jimmy pardo and matt belknap of

never not funny uh my personal favorite podcast always look forward to hearing it every thursday i'm a subscriber i gave gave them my $20. In fact, they offered, because when it was on last year, they offered me a free one. I paid them $20 because that's how much I get more than that entertainment. I feel bad not paying them. Our buddies Matt and Jimmy are doing a live nine-hour marathon broadcast for charity of Never Not Funny starting Friday night, the day after Thanksgiving at 9 p.m. Pacific time. All the way through to 6 a.m. Wow, that's awesome.

All the way overnight with lots and lots of guests that lots of people you've heard on Jordan Jesse Go are going to be there, I'm sure. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be on it. Oh, fantastic. I didn't know you were going to do it. I am, yeah. I've definitely always had a secret pining to be a guest on Never Not Funny. You don't have to tell me about secret pinining to be a guest on Never Not Funny

You don't have to tell me about secret pinings to be a guest on Never Not Funny Have you ever been on it, Paul? No, Jimmy asked me and then it fell through Jimmy, whenever he sees Paul and I hilariously and mercilessly makes fun of us which is like a badge of honor Oh, sure

But then he'll do funny stuff where he'll really love you and then hate me. I can never tell with that guy whether he's just disgusted at the sight of me. It depends who else is in the room because if Paul's not there, then I'm the butt of the joke. If Paul's there,

then I'm beloved. Jimmy and Matt invited both me and Jordan. I can't be there because I'm going to be in San Francisco for Thanksgiving. But previously when I was on the show, we left. I said, you know, oh, well, we'd love to be – I'd love to be on any time. Maybe next time Jordan can come too. And Jimmy said, no, that's not going to happen. Well, he is eating his words now.

They asked me not to say specifically when I'll be on because I think they want people to listen to the whole thing. They don't want people to tune into various pockets, but I think I can say. Sure. I mean what's important here is making sure that people listen to all nine hours. Right, exactly. Yes, I can say that I will be on real late. I was trying to find some funny way to say real late at night. Real early in the morning.

Yeah, exactly. The witchy hour. Yeah, something like that. Something not that, but like that. I'm really looking forward to it. I was going to say like when Gilbert Gottfried would be appearing on USA introducing a movie. Rhonda Shears. Yeah, right.

Exactly. Right around the time that Joe Bob's drive-in would come on. I'm really looking forward to watching it. I hope, Jordan, that you'll tell me off air when you're going to be on so I can wake up in the middle of the night to watch it. And, yeah, so it's a good podcast.com. And they're doing it. They're using it to raise money for their charity,

which is called Never Not Funny. No, they're raising some money. Zing. Comedian money. Jimmy buys a helicopter. They're raising some money for a charity that repairs third world children's cleft palates. Oh, no.

That's nice. A very admirable goal, if ever there was one. So podcast.com, the day after Thanksgiving, Black Friday, as I call it, because it's when my business goes into the black, my retail business. And guess what, Jordan? Cyber Monday. Can we take this opportunity? Yeah.

Speaking of our retail business, we have selected a winner for the Jordan Jesse Go t-shirt contest. That's Paul Rust. Did you make a t-shirt? Yeah. I hope you like puff paint. Jamie Tanner, celebrity cartoonist and comic book author, is also a Jordan Jesse Go listener and submitted an entry, a great design.

It says J.J. Goh has our faces on it in his Jamie Tanner's distinctive style. It's a beautiful shirt. And in addition to that, for people who want one that's sleeker, maybe like less of an adorable, because Jamie's work is adorable. He makes us look adorable. If you want one that's not adorable, we've also got a real clean design from our logo designer, Stephan Lawrence of Elephant Larry, that says JJ Go.

And we are rushing them into the MaxFunStore, which is at MaxFunStore.com. So we don't have an exact date that they're going to go on pre-sale, because it's the holidays, and the printer's very busy, and we want to make sure we can... But MaxFunStore.com, and of course, we got all the other MaxFun Fund Store shit in there.

You got the hoodies, the t-shirts, the Casper Hauser shirt, the mustache TV. The Black Bart Simpson. Yeah, Black Bart Simpson swap meet t-shirt. We just had a great conversation with Andy Daly about how well the mustache TVs are moving. Really? Andy is actually headed to New Zealand, our friend Andy Daly, to shoot a major role as the villain in the new Yogi Bear

movie. Yeah, he's going to be great. Oh my god, really? Yeah, that's awesome. Which I presume is being directed by Peter Jackson. Is that correct? No, no, no. Andy Serkis will be donning the mocap suits to give life to Yogi Bear. You know, I auditioned to be the voice of Marmaduke in the upcoming Marmaduke movie.

Really? So did our friend Al Madrigal also auditioned to be the voice of – isn't it just Seth Rogen or something? Yeah, it's something like that. Owen Wilson, yeah. Owen Wilson, there you go. No, I auditioned for that too. Did you? Yep.

Pretty awesome, guys. Did you get it? When you get to say, oh, I dranked for that too. Did you? Yep. Pretty awesome, guys. Did you get it? When you say, oh, I drank too much toilet water. How did you not get it? Guys, I don't know if you've picked it up on this, listening to this podcast, but I've never auditioned for a voiceover. Anyway, Neil, Paul, thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Thank you.

Anyway, Neil, Paul, thank you so much for being here. Thank you. If you have a momentous occasion or a case for Judge Sean Hodgman or you want to share – Be mocked by Neil Campbell. You want to know what we think about something or whatever, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. 206-984-4FUN. Or you can email us at jjgoe at MaximumFun.org. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design from Kites Are Fun, the best of the free design, courtesy of The Free Design,

and our friends at Light Me Attic Records, this great record worth a perfect Christmas gift, I'd say. Let's say all you've bought, one Max Fun store item for everyone in your whole family. Then a nice Christmas gift is Kites Are Fun, the best of the free design. Yep. I think so.

Or Hanukkah gift. You know what? That's also. Along with the Sons of Anarchy season one. And I'm just going to. And Morrissey, for your Mexican friends. I'm just going to tease this. But someone that was discussed on this week's program,

a major important person that was discussed on this week's program. A major important person that we discussed on this week's program. The editor of Shrek. We'll be at MaxFunCon. We'll be at MaxFunCon. Oh, who did we mention? I'm not going to say who it was.

I hope it's Dave Hensley. I hope it's Max Hedrum. I'm not going to say who it was. The writer of Primary Colors. It's someone that I'm super, super excited about having there.

When this goes off, I'm going to ask you to do it. So keep your eye on MaxFunCon.com to find out who, in addition to all of the fucking amazing people that are already going to be there. Yeah, that's about it. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Bye. Bye.

Thank you.