Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 118: Animal Cruelty

Episode Date: December 7, 2009

Comedian Marc Maron joins Jordan & Jesse on today's episode, touching upon the subject of pets, garage sales and losing one's marbles.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, raggedy, edgy, twiddle, Jesse, go.

Mark Maron stops in, and guess what? We learned the stupidest thought anyone has ever had. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. We've got a delightful guest with us this week, Jordan. I know that every week when we have a guest, I tell you that I'm excited about the guest.

Here's God's own truth. Usually I'm lying. No, sure. How excited can I really get? The viewers, the listeners can't see it, but every time he does the, we've got a great guest this week spiel, he's making the jack-off motion. Exactly. I mean, that's the thing. A lot of people don't know, actually, a surprising amount of the show, I'll be making the jack-off motion. So people think that this is a surprisingly kind of sincere, fun show. No, it's spiteful. It's angry.

The problem is that you can't tell when I'm being sarcastic. Exactly. Everybody in the studio can. Like, let's say the other day I was talking about how I get super pumped when I listen to You Dropped a Bomb on Me by The Gap Band. The whole time I was making the jack-off motion, and that was the whole thing. That's why people didn't realize... Every time that song comes on, you fall immediately

asleep. Exactly. I'm super sleepy. But we do have a great guest this week on the program. Yes. Jack-off motions aside. In just a couple of months, he's already far surpassed our success in the field of podcasting.

You might also... This is a bad use of our guest's time. I think is what we can agree that his time is probably better spent elsewhere. Even more so than usual, I would say. Sure. This is a bad use of our guest's time. One of America's funniest stand-up comics, the host of the podcast What the Fuck, or WTF, in the iTunes directory, Mrunes directory mr mark maron mark welcome to jordan jesse go well thank you for having me fellas and now that uh the jack off motion that you're doing doesn't mean what i thought it meant i uh i'm a little disappointed but i'm happy i know that i didn't just walk into some weird situation but now i've i understand the established signs and

symbols of this show that's not technically what it means, Mark. However, if you want it to mean that, I mean, there have been situations where things have kind of organically gone that direction. Well, it's a little early for me, but if this is going to turn into something... When do you usually start your gay stuff? Around what time? Well, it usually takes a lot of deliberating

and then sort of like, this doesn't seem right. I've been married twice and I usually avoid it. But maybe today's the day. Is today the day that this is finally going to happen for me? Let's make it happen. Blast off. That's what I say. Sure.

Blast off. Three, two, one. Gay stuff. Oh, I'm so glad I'm wearing my good shoes. That's the one thing I knew about coming over here. I literally had a moment where I'm like, okay, I know Jesse now. I know what he's about. I better dress well.

If I'm, if I'm going to like, cause I know he's going to be put together and I'm, I'm glad that you're, you're sort of, you know, Jordan's in the middle here. Yeah. I,

I, I took that note too. When I put on these basketball shorts and slip on shoes with no socks. Can I just say that, that, that Jesse Thorne actually tucks his shirt in. Who the hell does that anymore who doesn't have to go to work? That's fair. Jordan

is wearing... Jordan really is today. Just to kind of set the table for everybody, we've got Mark Maron over here. He's looking like sort of a bohemian Steve McQueen. Wow. He's got on a shawl-collared sweater.

He's got the shawl collar turned up, of course, because it's bitter cold outside. I didn't even know what this kind of sweater was called, so now I'm making note of that. A shawl-collared sweater, yes. He's got on a turtleneck underneath that for warmth. He's wearing a blue jean and a red wing boot. That terminology will come in handy

when you're trying to broker some gay stuff. Well, yeah. I'm feeling that after I leave this, there's a real good chance of going to West Hollywood. I mean, after this podcast is over, I'm hitting the streets and going to brunch. Yeah. You're right. We sort of consider this to be part podcast, part skills intensive. Oh, well, I'm glad I'm going to learn.

So I think Mark is dressed perfectly appropriate for Sunday morning podcasting. Sure. So I think Mark is dressed perfectly appropriate for Sunday morning podcasting. Sure. Jordan is wearing, the top half of Jordan, looking sharp. Sure. He's got a nice heathered gray sweatshirt on. He's got a lighter heathered gray Fuel TV t-shirt that presumably he got for free from work. Sure.

I'm not going to make any assumptions about the sweatshirt. No, no, I'm not paying work for my t-shirts. Okay. And then, but the part that perplexes me is the bottom half, because you are wearing a basketball short. Looks like a three-stripe, an Adidas. Sure. And you're wearing slip-on shoes with no socks. It's perfectly reasonable. I'm not against you wearing those things. No. However, it's about 32 degrees outside. Yeah. This is like as cold as it's been in Los Angeles since I have lived in Los Angeles. And you had guests coming over. I mean, I was coming over, and literally when I walked into the studio here and you showed up out of nowhere, I thought, Jesse's got a friend that's out of work.

And he's waiting him stay here. Yeah, I'm Jesse's... I'm just crashing on Jesse's couch so I can get some shit together. That's the look you have right now. The, I don't live here, but I'm here too long. Right. And I'm overly comfortable and I'm going to drink right out of the bottle. I have a great idea for a new website.

I'm just trying to get that off the ground. My wife's cousin. Yeah, right, exactly. You kind of gave me the look like, ugh. What's amazing is that out of the three of us, Mark Maron, Jesse Thorne, Jordan Morris, Jordan is the employed one. Jordan is the one with a real professional job in the entertainment industry that he's paid a perfectly reasonable wage for. So you've earned this look, is what you're saying. Now you're sort of underplaying your success, so it's a different agenda. Well, here's the thing.

You guys are a couple of self-employed men of leisure, so you have time to plan these elaborate outfits with your sweaters and your kind of boot. Me, I'm go, go, go. I'm going to throw on a basketball short. I don't have time to put on socks. Can I get some clarification on this from you, Jordan? You may. From what I understand, your distinction is that Mark is wearing a kind of boot.

So what you're saying is that with your busy schedule, you can choose between classes of footwear, but you cannot distinguish within those classes. So once you choose a particular kind of boot, that's when you know somebody. Jesse, I don't even have time for this. This is too much for me. I want to make some clarification here, given that I now have a kind of boot on that in your haste or at whatever decision you made not to really dress at some point you chose to buy vans with little crescents and stars oh that's a now i'm i don't mean to speak for jordan here but i would not be so hasty as to suggest yes that he chose to buy those shoes presuming that that Jordan chose or bought any of his clothing

is almost... Your odds are, I'm going to say, 70-30 against for either of those. Do you get things for free, or do you have a demanding girlfriend? This is something that we haven't really met before. It's happening now.

I work for the website. He works in a city called hollywood yeah it's right down the street yeah uh i work for fuel tv which is the kind of skateboard snowboard oh so you're a schwag whore i am yes absolutely i dress almost exclusively in schwag so you're the guy at the office that goes so no one's taking this i I'll take it. You want this? Yeah. No one wants this shirt? Yeah. Oh, yeah, okay, I'll take it. Five, four, three, it's mine.

It's mine. Yeah. And so if you're that guy, that means you're taking the stuff that nobody would wear. Yes, including these Crescent Moon Vans, which I am aware are ugly. I try not to wear them, you know, out. I love swag. I used to like doing, when I was was on a real radio show the books were great i literally have jesse's been to my garage studio i can open a library and i have a lot of

books many of which uh i don't get to but that's okay i have them which means i possess the knowledge and wisdom within them and i can look proudly upon my shelf saying i own this knowledge and wisdom well you can get a little info from the jacket. Well, what I usually do, if I could tell you honestly, is... Please be honest with us, Mark. I will, because I am a buyer of books, and I like books. Sure. And I will buy large books with large titles that don't really make sense to me, under the assumption that everything I need to know about anything is within the covers of this

book. Like, I bought... Philosophical texts were something I was buying a lot of, hoping that somehow or another I would learn the language of philosophy and it would have impact on me. You were just picking up books at the used bookstore that were written by names you recognized from the Monty Python philosophers names. Right. Monty Python philosophers names wrong. Or just names that just seem to be like, wow, like A Thousand Plateaus by Deleuze.

Is that how you pronounce it? Gilles Deleuze. And guitar. Like, this is a big book, my friend. And I have bought many books like this. I have hundreds of them. What happens is I underline. I'm a big underliner.

So what I'll do, and it took me a long time to learn this about myself, is I will buy this book anticipating, knowing everything when I'm done reading it. Sure. I will underline the hell out of that book. And then every one of these books. That's how you build knowledge. That's right. I just leave out maybe thes and uhs, but everything else underlined or highlighted. The essential words.

Yes. And all these books on my shelf, all of them have a bookmark, say, at page 15 to 23. And that's where the underlining stops. Double digits, pretty good. Well, that's where that – but the arrogance of that is that's the moment where I said, I get this. Someone spent a lifetime on that, writing that piece of work. And at 15 to 25, I'm like, all right, I get it. How much do I really need to know?

I've integrated what I need to use in my life. Sure. It seems like your perspective on it in a certain way is sort of that you're willing to give it one Seinfeld's worth of attention. Okay, if we're going to use that as a gauge, I could see that. But what I also learned about myself, and I don't know if other people can relate to this, is that books like this serve the same purpose as drugs for me. Let me explain. They get you totally fucked up. Well, here, in a very specific way. Okay.

It's like I don't retain much, right, and I don't necessarily understand what's being written about. But while I'm reading it, it feels like I'm thinking it. And that is a high that is irreplaceable. It's sort of a big thinking by proxy. The people have done the thinking for you, and all you have to do, it's almost like you are being Indiana Jones by riding the Indiana Jones adventure at Disneyland. By wearing the hat. You are experiencing, because he has already gone on the adventures, obviously.

He fought the different people in the marketplace in Istanbul and the whole nine yards. You're not going to get involved in that. It's dangerous, morally questionable, uh colonialist in a way that's distasteful um so but but what you would like to do is is experience it have the feeling so you just get on the ride sure and in the same way gilles de luce spent so spends a lifetime thinking about whatever he thinks about right and um i can just lock in for 15 to 20 pages and ride the deluge wave of psychic thought and energy. So what do you do? Okay, after you've closed the book literally and figuratively –

Good one, Jordan. What do you do? What are you doing with the rest of your day? You're saying, okay, I get this. I get this big important text. Well, what little I've retained I will apply to the next few hours. Okay. And like, you know, say after a thousand plateaus, I'll go into my kitchen and just deconstruct everything.

Okay, great. I'll just break it down and tie it in. And then I think there was something called the rhizome analogy in that book where everything is sort of connected. Talking about rhizomatics. Like you're talking about a situation like a ginger root. Right, right. So you get into the philosophical idea of rhizomatics. Guys, is this the secret?

Are you guys going to try and convince me of the secret? I feel like that's where this is going. What you do is you start by making what I call a vision or dream board. So you cut pictures out of magazines. This is what Gilles Toulouse originally originally he has a dream board right up here do you see it says rhizome being yeah uh simulacrum oh yeah oh and hottie with a body yeah which is also right out of the deliz book i um i i had this experience when i was like maybe uh just after I graduated from college I moved back home into my mother's house uh with no job no prospects proud moment oh yeah well I had it was part of my it was part

of my proud like uh 18 months of uh doing my college radio show as my main thing uh after I graduated from college and now I lived an hour and a half away. Right. And so I was living in my mother's house, and my mom is a college professor. And one of her best students was this guy called Jean-Paul. And Jean-Paul had been, my mom teaches junior college. My mom, he had been like this amazing student at the junior college. I think maybe he was just his life, he was a fuck-up in high school or something like that. So you respected him. But, well,

and he, but he was a perfect student, and he went on to go to UC Berkeley, where he was the valedictorian of UC Berkeley, which means he literally got an A in every class he took his entire college career. No A-minuses. He's now getting his PhD at Emory University in Atlanta. And he was living at my mom's house in the back bedroom. He was renting a room out as he was in between Berkeley and when he was applying for graduate school. So did it have that sort of feeling like there's a genius in the back of the house? I must learn about him. I would, I would sit down to dinner.

Yeah. And like, obviously, like, you know, I'm, I'm not like an intellectual lightweight. Like, it's, there's not a lot of situations where I'm sitting, entering a conversation where I can't at least ride with the current. Right. You know what I mean? Pick keywords, throw a little bit in. That's my job.

Like literally today in the world, my job is to at the very least be able to project competence even if I lack it. So you can pretend that you know things. You'll say diaspora. Sure. If needed. Hey, we just heard that I have a reasonable, I have some bare bones understanding of what a rhizome is, for example. And I barely did. And I was just hoping that his wisdom of it

stopped where he left it. And I believe it did. I think we went as deep as we could go with that. where he left it, and I believe it did. I think we went as deep as we could go with that. And I had this experience of sitting down at a table with my mom sitting there and Jean-Paul sitting there, and them having this conversation where I have no idea what's being discussed. They're having an intense discussion where I literally do not know what they're talking about.

No way in. I do not know the subject of their conversation. It's like I can listen to two people on the bus speaking to each other in Spanish, and I know what the subject of their conversation is. Sure, sure. I can get – if someone's speaking quickly in Spanish, I'm getting at least half of the words, and from that I can piece together the subject. Well, you know, that's a very interesting moment to have because there's two ways to go with it, where you could either go with, you know, I really need to know.

I need entree into this intellectual world. Or you could say, you two are cowards. You're frightened to live in the real world. You had to devise this intellectual language to insulate yourself and condescend to the rest of us. I live in the real world. You should have stood up and said that. Yeah, and luckily I was wearing this plaid wool shirt. So I had a good, in these red wing boots, I had a good strong basis to argue that I was a man of the people.

Yeah, exactly. A blue collar man of the people. Yeah, you say things like, let me take you out was a man of the people yeah exactly a blue collar man of the people yeah you say things like let me take you out and introduce you to the people i run with yeah yeah see how that language gets you in that circle let's have a tv dinner let's watch let's rock of love let's talk about what's really going on let's talk about the real shit that's going on in the streets right now. Yeah. Let's talk about real people, like cholos that call me faggot. Yeah, yeah. Let's talk about my homies.

And other cholos that call me white boy. Like, let's break it down and get real. I struggled a long time with, like, I recently had a moment of this. I think as somebody who's bright and intelligent and maybe didn't have the fortitude to really study as much as they should in order to truly know in a broad contextual way what I was talking about, but knowing enough to bullshit that at some point as I got older, I realized,

you know what, dude, too much energy. And it's really time just to say this here, try it, say it out loud with me. You know, I don't know. I don't know. I have no idea. A good, a good thing to do. And I'm just borrowing, I read a great trend piece in the New York Times style section. And frankly, if you guys want to know what's going on in the world, you got to read the trend pieces in the New York Times style section about parents raising their children according to the precepts of Cesar Millan, the dog whisperer. How does that even work? I mean, I'm lost on two levels already. See, I'm having that moment you had with John Paul. So this is what I recommend for you. Guys, if you're ever in a confusing conversation

where you feel like you're a little outclassed, just change the subject to what everybody thinks Avatar is going to be like. That's what I like to do. That's an animated movie? Yeah, this is James Cameron's return to the screen. Yeah. How much money did he spend on this? A quarter billion dollars?

Is anyone really anticipating? See, I'm finding also as I get older, and I'm old you know but i'm old enough to resent people for being young but i i'm not that old but i find that i just uh there i just don't give a shit about a lot of things yeah do you is that happening to you where it's like you see things on tv and it just becomes a sort of like vibrating nuisance yeah yeah the things that come out of the speaker, the things on the screen, it's like, oh my God, what do they want from me? You might not have a TV. You might have an old radiator on your hands. That's your problem.

Are you watching an old radiator? The problem is you're just watching an old radiator. Maybe that's it. Maybe I've really crossed the line. Are the sounds that come out, are they words and phrases phrases or is it just kind of a clanking sound? Here's what it – it's like – Right. It's a radiator, Jordan.

You guys solved my problem. You're going to want to switch that out for a TV. Okay. Okay. Then you can get totally pumped. Let me ask you something. Maybe you've got a nephew or something that can help you out. With the radio to come over?

Let me ask you something, though. Don't you feel assaulted sometimes? My question is like I have moments where I'm watching my big screen TV that I've hooked up speakers to. I recently made the big screen TV purchase, too. Anyway, yeah. So when a commercial comes on, the volume difference between the commercial and the program you're watching, it's literally as if somebody is reaching out of the screen and grabbing you by the collar and saying, buy chicken, buy chicken.

You do need insurance. And I have these moments where I'm like, oh, I'm attacked. The loudest commercials are always the worst. The loudest commercials are always the ones for dick pills or something, like fake dick pills. You know what's really amazing? This is something that's new recently in my life.

Here in Los Angeles, obviously as a public radio host, I feel it's my obligation to listen to mostly public radio. So I do. I even listen to the ones I don't like because I feel it's my obligation to listen to mostly public radio. So I do. I even listen to the ones I don't like because I feel like I should understand the marketplace or something. And not marketplace,

the show. They do a great job of explaining business and economics to the layman. With a humorous twist. It's kind of fun, too. But I mostly listen to public radio, and especially because the kind of music that I like, not generally on the radio radio. Like, I like rap music, but if you listen to the rap music station, they don't play

a lot of rap music. It's mostly kind of, you know... R&B. R&B. Shitty pop R&B that I'm not really into. Yeah. And not because it's pop music. It's just not really into. Yeah. And not because it's pop music, just not my taste.

Sure. And, but here in Los Angeles, there's this station called K-Day. K-Day used to be the sort of like foundational hip hop station of Los Angeles. One of the first hip hop radio stations in the country. Then they sort of eventually ran aground in the face of competition from, you know, the marketplace. But they were recreated recently as an oldies hip hop station. So basically, this station is the station that you go to. I was joking with my wife in the car. They did a promo where they said, is it Notorious B.I.G. and Jay-Z and DJ Quick? Then it's K-Day. It's like this is they have a – you have a very deep understanding of your market when you realize that here in Los Angeles, DJ Quick is roughly equivalent to Notorious B.I.G. and Jay-Z, possibly the greatest rappers of all time.

So I enjoy listening to this. I like to hear, you know, Thuggish Ruggish Bone. I like that song, you know? And they'll play You Dropped the Bomb on Me by the Daz band. By the Gap band, excuse me. They're jamming. It's jamming.

It's the first oldie station that's ever appealed to me, and I'm learning about liking an oldie station, which is a new thing for me, a new part of being old. But the biggest impression that this station makes on me is I had forgotten how sad radio commercials are. Oh, yeah. Just every single radio commercial is so sad. Just every commercial could be made more specific and clear

if they just added the rhetorical question life falling apart at the beginning or how about the the the ones that have the the ridiculous dialogue usually between a man and a woman you know like hey kathy what are you doing and then they try to you know they try to be funny with it and it's so scripted and it's they've done it 900 times there's no human there's no humanity in it when you're listening i will just say this um when you are listening to the urban station um the sadness and awfulness of those dialogues is amplified by five because clearly they got a bunch of voiceover tapes only three of them were by black people and they just had to pick a guy who talked like a black person um without respect to any other quality of their voice right so the acting in the radio commercials for the urban market is so spectacularly horrible.

Like it's head and shoulders above your, you know, I used to listen to sports radio when I was a kid. You know, you hear like a Geico commercial or something like that. It's annoying and pathetic, but it cannot match the local urban uh commercial for uh payday loans i'll tell you that lizard is getting into my head though because i that geico lizard well i i mean you know it's ridiculous and i well i mean it's it's hypnotic because there are so many geico commercials on and now i'm at this moment where i've moved back i'm trying to consolidate because you know money's tight and i'm looking at my car insurance and I'm looking at what I'm paying and I'm asking people you know I

mean how does this reasonable round of pay I'm with Triple A I mean I don't know what to do and someone looked at me and says well I went with Geico is it and I'm like is it cheaper than this and she was like yeah it was significantly cheap really Geico I sometimes have to remind myself that Geico provides a service like Geico isn't just those commercials. It's not just the lizard with the accent. Yeah, like, oh, car, you know, it could be like, oh, tacos? Is that what Geico does?

I feel like at this point, America's commercials, and I think that might be the difference between the television commercials and the radio commercials, when you're watching television commercials, at this point, it's, they've completely abandoned the prospect of including a product at Advantage or... The pitch isn't as... There's no pitch at all. They're selling the brand. It's a lifestyle. Yeah, it's just like, it's just like, you know, a hot chick with her hand down her pants, you know, rubbing her business for 25 seconds.

And, and then at the end, it just says KFC. Right. And that's it. Yeah. Well, unless you go to,

whereas on the radio, the commercials are somehow in sad ways about, it's like, it's like, what if you, if, what if you made commercials and you allowed ninth graders to conceive of them and write them?

Right. Like, it's sort of like, it's sort of like one guy goes, Hey, Ma, I got dirt all over my pants. And then the mom goes, Well, maybe you should try Tide laundry detergent. Exactly. That's that dialogue I was talking about. Well, what's curious to me is that in old-style pitching,

like if you still watch the infomer infomercials uh-huh and you still watch that type of of selling i mean that's like old radio it's like old uh television selling and the thing that's been fascinating me that nobody seems to really talk about and i don't really get hung up on pop culture issues that often but billy mays is dead he's dead and he's still doing three or four infomercials i still see him on commercials and i'm like does this there's something it's it's some sort of uh you know psychic necrophilia i mean don't you realize that this guy yeah he's dead and it's like it's like three three steps removed from reality because the conceit of a lot of uh you know infomercials is like the pitch man trying to convince a skeptic you know who's

clearly not a skeptic who's like i don't need one of these i've got a set of kitchen knives i can chop anything i want to can't you know and like that's not real but also now this guy is dead maybe that's the angle though the next the next is, the next big thing is they cut, they edit around the straight man so they can introduce a new straight man who's saying, but Billy, didn't you die a few months ago? No, I didn't. And that's exactly why you should buy this particular product. Because I'm dead. Doesn't that scare you? Buy this product.

Isn't that fucking you up right now? I'm dead and I'm still here selling you. You should be afraid. You you buy this product isn't that fucking you up right now i'm dead and i'm still here selling you you should be afraid you should buy this did you take a handful of mushrooms before you turned on this infomercial if you did that'd be great you're freaking out that'd be great if you said as you know i'm dead but i still love this product it's just him with the blender whatever the fuck it is sure the slap chop and then he does that fred astaire dancing with the vacuum cleaner thing from the superbowl commercial i remember when that first happened that i literally wrote an essay about it like this is like i was that upset i was very hung up on on advertising and deconstructing media and how it was screwing with our heads and when that happened i'm like there is no shame they're digging up dead people

to sell things and the dead person has no defense. It's like this point. I'm frankly, I'm disappointed if the entire commercial happens and there's no, no dead people in the cast. Well, like the guitar hero with, uh, with Kurt Cobain.

I mean, to me, that's heinous. I mean, it's not, it's, it's so much that he represented something, whether,

whatever you think about it or whether, you know, think it had integrity or not. He did represent something and he had control over that representation to the point where it crushed him that and a lot of heroin but now they're just gonna combo right it's a combo crush right the they're gonna dig him up and have him sing bon jovi songs to me it's it's it's truly heinous i mean there are a few things that there are a few transgressions that that actually offend me you know what you know what offended you know what offends me i'll tell you guys what offends me. I saw a commercial for a major electronics chain that had an ensemble cast that featured Amy Sedaris on a panel of celebrities.

And I thought to myself, wow, they really nailed me with that panel of celebrities. I'll buy pretty much anything that Amy Sedaris tells me to buy. So they got you. And then, no. So I was fine at that point. no so i was fine at that point i was like sure you can put peyton manning and uh justin timberlake and someone else in the camera black probably a black person in the commercial to cover the other demographics but if you put amy sedaris in there fine i'll buy it you know sure god bless you for putting but what then i saw another commercial and it had all the other people except Amy Sedaris and a new person in the Amy Sedaris slot.

I will say this. She does have her own one of those. Oh, really? There's one with just Amy Sedaris. I haven't seen Amy Sedaris in so long. What are we talking about? Where do I see this commercial? It's a Sony.

It's just kind of for a new line of Sony products, like their e-book and stuff like that. What you would use is like, it's a lot like, if I could just use an analogy, it's sort of like a radiator with pictures on it. Oh! Have you seen these picture radiators? I've got one in my living room. I love those. So then at least when you're hearing...

It's both charming and hilarious because it's coming from Amy Sedaris. Oh, I've got to get one of those. Do you guys have a little crush on the progressive auto insurance girl? Yeah, of course. I had a moment. Oh, she's the one that gives people common sense, wiseacre advice. I actually had to rewind one. In car insurance heaven.

I had to rewind one recently. Because you weren't quite done? No, because I thought she was pregnant. They did this profile thing, and she wears sort of a uniform-ish kind of thing, and it was a profile, and I'm literally like, oh my god, is she pregnant? And I thought that would be weird

that they would just keep working her when she was pregnant. It would be good, God bless them for doing that, but I never saw a ring, and there was part of me that was a little jealous. A little bit. Well, and she seems to also kind of work in this void. You would have liked to have impregnated her. Sure. I mean, that would be a proud moment. in you would have liked to have impregnated her sure i mean that would be a proud or you would have liked her to be your spokesperson sure yeah either one would be fine with me yep we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, to make up a nickname for yourself. That's part of what we offer.

Really? Yeah. Well, I'm sort of on the spot here. You can think about it. You don't have to come up with something right now. You've got the rest of the show. I know, but then I'll be thinking about it while we're talking, and then at some point in the middle of the show,

I'll be like, I got it. Sparky, sparky. It's the babe. Maybe this will... And then you're like, that was taken by Babe Ruth. Maybe this will put you at ease. The host of Studio 360 and co-founder of Spy Magazine and author of numerous very high-minded books, Kurt Anderson was a guest on our show maybe a year or so ago now.

And he's still working on his nickname? No, his nickname was Explodo. Explodo? It's kind of the gold standard. So you shouldn't feel like you have to compete with anybody because the fact of the matter is that you can't compete with Kurt Anderson naming himself Explodo. Well, see, now it's a contest. See, what you just did is that you said, I can't compete. You've defied me to come up with a nickname that will transcend and be better than Explodo.

Well, okay. I defy you. Defy. I defy you. All right, fine. But this is pretty subjective. I mean, just because you like Explodo doesn't mean maybe half your listeners are saying, I'm not great.

It's kind of the consensus. It is? Yeah. Yeah, I think— We've done some preliminary outreach. Here's the thing. You've done some outreach. Okay, all right. You've done some outreach. Look, Mark.

What? You've got a garage full of books, and I'll grant you, you're pretty classy for a stand-up comedian. Whoa. Here we go. The radio guy's cheap. I'm going to tell you. For a stand-up comic, you've got all those books in your garage. You've got some nice furnishings that your ex-wife bought.

Oh, now it's my ex-wife. Who paid for those and okayed them? That would be me. You got, sure, you got a pretty classy life going on. Okay. But. Some cats. Several.

When was the last time you were invited on Charlie Rose to talk about something intellectual? So the problem isn't so much that you can't come up with a great nickname you know i think you could come up with as good a nickname as kurt anderson okay fine and i but the problem is that because of where you're starting off there's not enough distance for you to cover to make it the greatest nickname ever okay i understand what you're saying but let's get back to the charlie rose issue now i think that if charlie just had my contact information or somebody would the problem is he has a hard time getting in touch with that and maybe he hasn't listened to what the

fuck the podcast maybe he hasn't heard that maybe maybe he didn't really listens the thing is the you know what i see the problem is being and you can correct me if i'm wrong on this but because corolla is doing an hour and a half a day he just doesn't have the time why do you got to bring up that try out new podcasts got to bring Corolla into it now? Well, obviously, that's what Charlie Rose is listening to, right? Corolla. Yeah, Corolla and Happy Tree Friends.

You're saying that Charlie Rose is a closet Corolla-tard? Because I'm not gonna stand by that. And I've had issue with the Corolla guys before. Not with Corolla himself, but because i use corolla set well see i that's a nice way to say it but when when i said the faggot callers exactly when i called them corolla tards don't think don't think i didn't get some emails but

oddly there were the the classic like you're boring we don't care about your cats fuck you but there are also can i get just just so you were on corolla and no he wouldn't have me on i i am marlo in the wire no i'm omar in the wire saying adam bring it to the street bring put me on your show i i want to go on that show mark you never any time when you construct a scenario where you're omar from the wire yeah you have to understand that people are going to take it the wrong way. They are? Yeah, they're going to understand this as, I mean, there may be a modest amount of self-aggrandizement in a scenario that you've created where you're Omar from the wire.

Right. Okay, that's right. Speaking of which, as a public radio host, I sort of think of myself as, in this scenario with Jordan here, I'm sort of George Washington. Okay. I'm the George Washington. I understand.

Point taken. That somewhere in the world of Jesse Thorne that Omar from The Wire and George Washington are similar representations of self-aggrandizement. Okay. Well, let's address the Charlie Rose issue. I'm the progressive auto insurance girl. And I'm oddly hot. Yeah.

All right. Well, fuck it. I'm the Geico lizard are we good did we do it all right so okay the charlie rose piece of kentucky fried chicken awesome now we're now we're good now we're just saying stuff yeah roasted chicken charlie rose the reason i have not been on charlie rose just for people who are fans of mine and a lot of people are going jesus why hasn't mark maron really natural team up right why hasn't mark maron clicked on a bigger level and i because i would see you as the bridge between adam carolla and charlie rose that's Jesus, why hasn't Marc Maron really... Seems like a natural team-up. Right. Why hasn't Marc Maron clicked on a bigger level?

Because I would see you as the bridge between Adam Carolla and Charlie Rose. That's exactly it. That would be my nickname if we could tighten it up. But what I'm saying is the primary reason, and I think everybody knows this, is the reason I'm not on Charlie Rose or more famous is that over the years, I've chosen to change my hairstyle a lot. And I've had beards. I've had not beards. There was a time where last night I pulled out a pair.

I was going through my stuff because I just moved. And at some point I bought a pair of leather jeans that I think I've worn three times. And one of them was on national television. So I've made bad decisions. And I think that because I didn't commit to a haircut like Jon Stewart or perhaps like you, I don't know how often you change your hair. What you're saying is that each of the roughly two dozen times you've been on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

Let's say four dozens, but that's fine. It doesn't matter because many times people are like, is that the same guy? People are like, you know, this guy is really funny. He reminds me of that other guy that had a very similar tone and looked similar, but with a different hairstyle. Exactly. That's exactly what the booker Charlie Rose says. Yeah, and you wonder why Charlie

Rose has, you know, Pedro Almodovar on a lot. The man keeps a consistent hairstyle. Yeah, and also it's great now. I guess he's making brilliant movies, but mainly, you know what the guy says. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Very consistent. No tie, beard, and Charlie Rose, another

example, always stays with his look i just made i've had a problem and it was not decisive i wasn't like i'm gonna do a david bowie thing where now i'm the bearded guy right you know now i'm from space yeah no exactly i did that very briefly yeah not connect at all yeah the space using it was yeah you know it was a lot of tin foil and people were like you know marin used to have edge, and now what's with the hat? So that didn't work out, but I'm not afraid to try. Remember when you traded in your harem pants and you made that gangster rap album? Yeah, that was weird because I was still drinking then, and I have very little recollection of that.

Some people love that, though. I mean, I've got two or three people that are like, when is that coming back? And I'm like, I don't even know where it was initially. Yeah, I mean, you were always a better dancer than you are a rapper to be frank mark i'm just trying to i'm spitting facts yeah again the dancing thing really stopped after i uh quit drinking but i had your insistence on uh helping out everybody from the old neighborhood in oakland right not i think that kind of that killed you oh that's there you still do that yeah of course because you know you gotta you to respect and, you know, and... It's about the community, ultimately.

It's all about the community with me. And the guy upstairs. The guy upstairs is right. That's my landlord. Yeah, and what's his name? Paul. That's what I call God, too, ironically. I have a very intimate relationship.

When I pray in the morning, I go, listen, Paul. I got some problems with the plumbing. Literally, I have a question you guys. Literally none of us has been on Charlie Rose, and I don't understand that. I mean, certainly you can come up with a complicated explanation. I'm not sure if I believe

this explanation, but it certainly makes me feel better about the fact that you haven't been on Charlie Rose. Yeah. But look at Jordan. Sure. Jordan is a number one. Natural candidate. He's a professional television personality.

This man has made adolescent jokes with Keanu Reeves. Absolutely. With Jack Black, with Jon Hamm. Sure. With some of the handsomest, most talented celebrities in America. Has he told that to Charlie Rose's people? That's the thing. Maybe the problem is we haven't been in touch.

That's what I'm saying. Do you think they're on Facebook? Of course he's on Facebook. Everybody's on Facebook. I blame – every time I feel like my career isn't going the way I want it, I'm like, you know what? I'm just not on Facebook. There's a lot of opportunities and then I don't get on it because it seems weird to me. You're not on Facebook?

I'm not. Well, that's good because that means that you have a lot more time than most of us to have a day. I feel great. I feel great about Twitter. I do Twitter and I feel like that's all the social networking I'd like to do. Well, I have found that Facebook because I'm very compulsiveulsive about it, and it's not because – well, look. I've just realized, and I don't know if I've talked about this before anywhere publicly, but I think that – because I was against it, and now I'm there with it a lot. And I think that any status update, all status updates should be, hey, would someone please acknowledge me?

And then just wait it out. See what happens. You think about me when I'm not around, right? People have talked about your resemblance to Michael Pollard. Yeah, I get that a lot. From older people I mean. I have a question, Jordan. In linen pants. You were great in Bonnie and Clyde. Little Foss and Big Halsey. Do you know that movie? Do you think, Jordan, that we could use this to get you on Charlie Rose?

Do you think that Charlie Rose... Is Michael J. Pollard still alive? Let's start with that. I think he is. Okay, so that throws a little bit of a wrench into it, because I was going to play the ghost card. Well, maybe you could do a Michael J. Pollard impression. Oh, yeah.

A misunderstood impression. It's on my SNL tape, on my SNL audition tape. Can I tell you a little tidbit about me and Michael J. Pollard? I'd love to hear that tidbit, Mark. Well, he did a movie. I think it was called Little Foss and Big Halsey. It was a motorcycle movie with Robert Redford. Sure.

I believe that was called Little Foss and Big Halsey. Yes. And in that movie, I think I saw it Little Fuss and Big Halsey. a toothbrush. And a young seventh grade Mark Maron did have a toothbrush in his mouth for probably a week, a week and a half after that. Wow. You know what? I have had an alarmingly similar experience to that, which is a favorite film of mine is The Limey, the Steven Soderbergh movie with Terrence Stamp, Peter Fonda. And in this film, Peter Fonda plays a sort of rich record industry guy who's a little bit past his prime and gets involved in some stuff he shouldn't get involved in, right? And there's a scene in the Limey where Peter Fonda is talking to someone.

I believe it's an unbelievably beautiful, like, 20-year-old girl. And he's standing in front of his bathroom mirror, and he's using one of those little, like, toothpick brushes to clean out the spaces between his teeth. Like the kind you clean a camera with kind of thing? Exactly. Like sort of like a pipe cleaner for your mouth. Yeah. And it blew my mind.

This scene, every time I see it, blows my mind, and it makes me think, god damn it, if Peter Fonda is so amazing when he uses those things, what would happen if I used them? Do you use them now? Well, all I have, I went to the, I got some of those floss hooks where it's like a little stick with floss on it. But it's not the same as the pipe cleaner that goes in and out. I don't know.

I feel like I'm like, I am borderline aroused by Peter Fonda cleaning the spaces between his teeth with that thing. And it's like, it's such an amazing... I think here's the thing that I got to do, Mark. I got to find what is the perfect distillation of everything that makes me both amazing and terrible at the same time. Okay, let's try to...

Are we going to work on that now? It seems like it might be a bigger project than we can... But you have to be in touch with the darkness, Jesse. I mean, you're a light being. You're a smart guy. You seem together. You have boundaries. You know, usually I can read the darkness.

You're just saying that because I wouldn't let you touch my deck. Yeah, well, I mean, we tried, you know, didn't we, on the break? Oh, Lord. You know, I thought that's where we were going with this podcast. No, no, no, no, no. I couldn't tell if it was playful or if we actually wanted to stop. It was like a first date with a woman who thought it was going somewhere. I didn't want us not to be friends anymore.

Yeah, because that ruins things. Oh, yeah, totally. And then it's awkward. You don't want to make us feel rejected when we see you. Yeah, exactly. In order to really distill that part, that juncture of light and darkness within you, that will manifest itself into what you're saying, this pipe cleaning tooth product.

Oh, you know what? I got it. I just always, always be stuck in a Chinese finger trap. Boom. Done. You got it.

Done. I think that's it. The goose has been cooked. I think that's it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Well, this is a very funny Mark Maron. He's still working on that nickname. I saw the deer in the headlights look when he realized he was supposed to have a nickname by now. I didn't know I was part of the little thing we're doing. Didn't we already figure out that it was maybe going to be Mark the Bridge between Charlie Rose and Adam Carolla Maron? Yeah, we've got to condense it. We just leave it at the bridge. Do we? But when we say the bridge, people know what Adam Carolla Marin. Yeah, we gotta condense it. We just leave it at the bridge. Do we? But when we say the bridge, people

know what we're talking about. The bridge, that ain't bad. Yeah, that's good. But that's more of like a large object. Usually people have something like the knife. The truck, the fridge. These are both popular. And the thing is, Mark, these people that have small objects, they're not fat like you are.

You're a monstrously obese person. A lot of people, you can't see. Because of the way he dresses, he'll go on Conan. He'll wear a flattering style. Sure. A leather jean. He'll have a disguising beard. You don't know how corpulently obese Mark is.

This is a soft spot with me. I mean, you've really hit the thing. I just spent a week with my borderline anorexic, no, let's go all anorexic mother, but in a healthy way. She's a functioning anorexic. She eats nothing but carrot sticks? She's not barfing in public is what you're saying. No barfing, but she's maintained the weight of 150 pounds since I've known her. And the fat thing, like I believe, Jesse, though you're joking, that inside I am obese.

You have an obese uh inner something because like me inside like i'm literally like i'm uncomfortable right now because i can't fit in this chair you can't see that but i can see it i feel my fat rolling over the edges i'm embarrassed when i have to go on an airplane you're ghost fat that's right it's ghost fat it's phantom fat that's exactly that's how i live my life it's sort of like you you were in a war you lost your fatness yeah yeah but it still hurts sometimes it still itches sure i can still feel the fatness and occasionally i'm like i can't see my penis right because the phantom that's how deep it runs right i can understand that jordan yes uh we have a phantom phantom, that's how deep it runs. Right. I can understand that. Jordan. Yes. We have a... Phantom penis aside.

On the subject of phantom penises, we have a sponsor on this week's program. Great. This is how we do this sponsorship shit on Jordan Jesse Goes. Certainly, sometimes we'll have a major business sponsoring the program. We encourage you to support that business. You know, like a vgkids.com screen printing outfit. You know, we'll have a major business on. But what I like is the grassroots sponsorships.

I enjoy it. And this is a classic example of somebody who just, you know, sent me an email, said, I want to do a personal sponsorship of Jordan Jesse Go. Chris emailed me. And it's Christmas coming up. You probably know this. And as

a thoughtful friend, Chris wanted to support for Christmas his friend Jason Thomas' brand new project, a web store for his art at redrocketfarm.com. So Chris, for Jason, for Christmas, is sponsoring this week's Jordan Jesse Go on behalf of Jason's

brand new web store at redrocketfarm.com. This is what they got at this web store. Let's talk about this for a second. Are you going to go on? Can we look at it? I'm on it right here. Can you see it? We got these

lovely keychains that have little different robots painted on them by hand. They're made out of a domino, which I think is kind of a neat idea. It is a very neat idea. Clever, as my mother would say. It's very clever. Sure. And you got a hand-painted robot on there. We got lots of

art prints. I actually like, my favorite print on here is this one. It's on the second page of prints of art prints. I actually like my favorite print on here. It's this one. It's on the second page of prints of this nice whale named Hugo. Isn't that a nice whale? I've been actually looking for some art for the new place. Is that a blue whale or a humpback whale? This is

a toothed or a baleen whale. Oh, now I'm lost. Gray whale. It looks good. Narwhal. I believe this is a narwhal. Doesn't it have a unicorn horn, though, a narwhal? Yeah. So that's not a narwhal. It's not a unicorn, but it is a spectacular piece of art. Hammerhead shark?

No, that's got a thing. Is this a hammerhead shark, Mark? No, it doesn't have that hammerhead. Mark, I have a question. What? Is this an African or Indian elephant? Yes, it is an Africanrican elephant it's all those red rocket farm.com uh lots of uh cute robots and spaceships and undersea creatures um on uh painted rocks buttons uh keychains and t-shirts i'd like them to do a polar bear i like

polar bears those are great would they take a? I think he would take a request. Do you think Jason Thomas would take a request? You can speak on behalf of Jason. Yes, I'm his proxy. Yes. Jason Thomas will draw whatever you say. Okay, so what Mark's trying to say is if you draw a picture of a polar bear, he'll drop a few

grand on it. Yeah, and I might even plug it on my podcast, because next to my inner obese person, I have an inner polar bear. Red rocket farm. Is the polar bear fit? Yes, very fit and he's always mocking the fat guy.

Oh, yeah. By flexing. Look how many salmon I can eat and I never gain weight. I made a gesture of a polar bear batting salmon.

Oh, is that batting? He's batting salmon out of an ice hole. Oh, okay. I thought you were juggling salmon and maybe eating one as you juggle like as a polar bear batting salmon. Oh, is that batting? He's batting salmon out of an ice hole. Oh, okay. I thought you were juggling salmon and maybe eating one as you juggle,

like as a polar bear taking a bite. Polar bears can't juggle, Mark. That's what the painting should be of. A juggling polar bear. Yeah. Anyway.

Okay, it's redrocketfarm.com. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Mark Maron, the bridge between Adam Carolla and Charlie Rose. I got to get that guy get the hang of the nickname. No, I think we went with, let's do it again. Would it help if I put it on an index card for you? Yeah, could you put it on a card? I don't think I could fit it on an index card. I think we're going with the bridge. The bridge.

Okay, I'm going to try it again. Ready? I'm Mark. Oh, you go. Okay. You go ahead. No, you go. Okay.

Jordan, go ahead. I'm Jordan Morris, point detective. I'm Jesse Thorne. I'm Mark Maron, the bridge. Yeah. Perfect. Perfect. It's not quite right.

Mark the bridge Maron. Perfect. Mark. Yeah. The bridge. Jesse Thor Mark the Bridge Marin. Perfect. Mark Jesse Thorne the Bridge. I'm going to be called the Bridge. Okay. So you think of a nickname, Mark. Wait a minute, that's my nickname, Jesse. I just spent an hour coming up with it.

Do you like this new thing where me and Mark Marin are like a misfit duo comedy team? Where I'm like, oh, you did it again. Oh, damn you. Maybe you're a couple of scheming tramps. Well, the thing is, I'm tall and thin, and Marc is short and fat. I'm not fat.

You're tall and thin, and Marc is a polar bear. You don't know. The classic comedy matchup. I'm a polar bear. Ooh, it's cold, but I'm not cold. I kill seals. Oh, my ice is shrinking. Where am I going to live?

Hilarious. This is good. See, I infused a little politics in there. Yeah, absolutely. Global warming state. Are you writing this down for your TV job? Yeah, I am. Okay, good.

I'm sorry, Jordan. I wanted to ask you about something. Yes. Because it's not often in the business of radio, and I consider this an extension of the business of radio, that you get a truly magical offer from someone that you're on the air with. Just something that really delights every cell in your body. And today, Mark, off the air, Jordan said to me, oh, I want to make sure to talk about

the stupidest thought I ever had. Yeah. I had a really... I just had... We can move on. No need to dwell on this. But I just had an exceptionally dumb thought, and I feel like I wanted to share. Sure. I mean, why

wouldn't you want to? Because I'm worried it might be a sign that I'm retarding. I might be slowly retarding. Is that how it works? I think so. No, I'm getting that, too. You begin to retard? Yeah, I'm getting that. It's starting to happen to me. It's a pre-retard. Okay. I was

doing a dual errand the other day. I was going to get a haircut and then get my oil changed. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. Big day. Big day. Big day. You put the laundry off.

Did you go see my man? Oh, you know, he was closed on the day that I needed to go. Who's the my man? Is he the haircut or the oil? I got a guy. Okay. I got a guy. You got to talk to that guy.

Anyways. Anyways. So there's a little couple of blocks. I'm like, there's a haircut place that I've been to before that I like. And boom, we got an easy lube, you know, half a mile down the street. For lubrication. So I parked at the haircut place, got my haircut, very pleased with it. So I parked at the haircut place, got my haircut, very pleased with it. And then as I was walking to my car, I'm like, I've already got a pretty good parking spot here.

Maybe I should just walk to the oil change place. Oh, God, I'm retarding. It would have made that story better if you had actually followed through with that. Yeah, here's my fantasy of how – here's the crazy comedy. So I walk over to the oil change place. I say to the oil change guy, I'd like an oil change, please. He says, where's your car? I realize my mistake, and then I just open my mouth and point to it. That's where I want him to pour the oil.

I need it. We take telephone calls on Jordan Jesse Go. We've got a couple of interesting calls. One is from a Jordan Jesse Go listener, one actually from a Sound of Young America listener, but it was so magical, I felt like, since there's no venue for playing calls on the Sound of Young America,

that I should play it here on Jordan Jesse Go. So let's start with this Jordan Jesse Go call that is, it it here on Jordan, Jesse, Go. So let's start with this Jordan, Jesse, Go call that is, it's sort of like, just to preface it, I would consider it, you know how Lost is really big right now and people are really into Lost because they love the mystery? I've never watched it. You know that people love to watch it.

Yeah, I know that it's used in references a lot. You understand that people love the mystery of the show Lost. Yes, I understand all that. So that's sort of what I'm hoping this call will be for us. Hi, Jordan. Jessica. It's Zach from Chicago.

Uh, I'm calling because, oh, shoot. He stopped singing. That's it. That's it. That's all we got to go on gentlemen i'm guessing he was a singing homeless guy that he wanted us to hear really yeah right you thought that he wanted outside he's outdoors

to put the microphone up to a homeless guy digging a hole a singing homeless guy oh he stopped singing didn't he say oh i thought he I'm pretty sure he said he stopped digging. I heard singing. I heard singing as well. Maybe we should go back to the tape. Let's go to the tape, gentlemen. Hi, Jordan and Jessica. It's Zach from Chicago.

I'm calling because... Oh, shoot. He stopped digging. No, it's singing. You just said it. What are you talking about? You said digging. You're retarding.

No, he said singing. You just said it. What are you talking about? You said digging. You're retarding. No, he said singing. I am retarding. I find myself more and more retarding. Oh, speaking of retarding, this amazing call that I just received on our hotline that was intended for me as host of The Sound of Young America. I did a live show in Chicago at the Second City about a year and a half ago, and one of our guests on the show was a then-Chicago, now-New York comedian named Hannibal Burris. I know him. Hannibal is a very funny comedian, a great comedian, who has a very funny bit about how when he sees pigeons, he wants to kick them. And it's a great, he's funny. Hannibal's a very funny guy.

This is the telephone call that I got about this rerun of a show from two years ago. Hi, Jesse. My name is David Paterno. I'm calling you from Philadelphia. I just listened to your program this evening that aired on my local affiliate. It's December 4th, Friday. And I have to tell you that I don't really ever think that comedy involving cruelty to animals is fun. And the last five minutes of this program involved a skit about kicking pigeons. And I find that way over the line and

distasteful. And I'll listen carefully to your program in the future. I found it enjoyable in the past, but if there are any more animal cruelty jokes, as you'd like to call them, on the program, I'll be marshalling a campaign against you. So maybe be a little more sensitive. It's never really funny to make jokes about hurting other animals.

Thanks. Number one, yes, it is. Well, it is sort of an established mode. And I think what happened was this guy obviously has taken upon himself to be king of the pigeons. And he feels the pain of pigeons everywhere. He wears a birdseed suit. Sure. Yeah, he's that guy.

He's out on his roof going, come to me, come to me. He probably has pictures, like a photo gallery in his office of famous homing pigeons with names. He probably watches that. Like some World War II homing pigeons. I picture this guy maybe when he was younger had watched On the Waterfront. And in the scene where the dead pigeon shows up and the kid finds the dead pigeon, remember with Marlon Brando? This was that guy's old yeller moment. When you're a kid, there's always a moment when you're a disney film like bambi or one of those like i

remember there was a movie about an otter and and then the the animal dies at the end and it's just so devastating to your young emotional mind that either you integrate it into yourself and and understand it for yourself or you actually become part of a cause. And this, we clearly have encountered the king of the pigeons. What I like is the idea of him marshalling a campaign. Because the first thing I imagined when he said he was going to marshal a campaign against me, should this happen again, with what I call a joke, I also like the idea that if he doesn't like it, that makes it not a joke. I also like the idea that if he doesn't like it, that makes it not a joke.

But him marshalling a campaign, I immediately imagined him in sort of like a General Custer outfit with a sword on a horse. Yeah. But then like leading a charge. Of pigeons. Right. But then I remembered he's not allowed to ride on a horse because it's cruel to the horse. So he would actually be in the outfit next to a horse. Leading're both running or maybe on a segway maybe he's on a he's on a segway and he's got a large calvary hat on and just like hundreds of pigeons flying i mean i know i know i did for for us this is a kind of a common comedy topic but here i feel it's especially

appropriate this man rides a recumbent bike. I don't think there's any question in anybody's mind. I don't want to be a buzzkill, but I think that all of us, seeing as Thanksgiving was just a week or so ago, and I certainly do... We can all stand to spend a few minutes on this guy's recumbent bicycle.

That's right. Thinking about the pain of animals. I don't think about it enough, but i have cats and and usually i think when you eat animals and when you uh if you're not innately cruel to animals you don't really think in terms of what you're eating is once being like cute and alive and stuff but boy seeing an animal in pain i i tell you it's awful because you don't know what to buy i had a possum i don't want to go into it. A possum was involved. I grew up with a lot of animals.

People have different thoughts about animals. Do you think your mistake might have been in part trying to domesticate a possum? Yeah. I accept it. Look, being an animal owner can be hard. I had a bloodthirsty puma. When you start with a non-domesticatable animal right well i i just sort of let him live in my area and i feed him okay if i could though

i i would like to to talk a little bit because i have this sensitivity i think most people do there was a couple of pivotal moments in my life where this thing, like, I understand where he's coming from. Because when I was very young, I had a friend who lived on a farm. And they had this farm, and it was full of pigeons. So we took a pellet gun, and he started shooting these pigeons. And he's like, you shoot one, Mark. And so I shot at one. He didn't hit any.

So I'd take a shot because I want my friend to like me. And I'd drop a pigeon. And it's sitting there flopping on the ground and i just felt awful because we then we had to kill it again because it was flopping around so i had to shoot again and i i literally i'm still if i really reach down to my soul and devastated about it not as bad as the mouse situation here's this this was a turning point in my life i was working at a coffee shop okay and it was in harvard square it was before starbucks it was a coffee connection it was a hip place it was filled with like you know old school hipsters post-college post-college yeah and a lot of berets and chests going on in there yeah and it's yeah and it's harvard so it's like you know real

real deal yeah real intellectual stuff but all the you know it's the, so it's like real intellectual stuff. But it's a basic crew of hipsters who work there, guys and girls and sexually confused people. Rhizomes. Exactly, a lot of rhizomes. So we all get there to work, and they put out sticky traps at some point, right? So I walk in, and everyone's gathered around what I can't see yet. And I walk up, and they're all looking at this mouse twitching on this sticky track. And they're all like, oh my God, it's awful. What are we going to do?

What are we going to do? And I'm just looking at this suffering mouse and I don't know where I got the strength to do this, but I literally just stomped on it with my boot and killed the mouse in front of everybody. And from that point on, I was like Colonel Kurtz. You know, I was like, you know, I had done something where no one ever quite looked at me the same. And I had some sort of darkness.

Like you had potential. Some Nietzschean will that really. I had a hamster that got out at my father's house. And normally my pets lived at my mother's house. And I had this hamster that lived in my father's house, and just this... I split time. So I was there and my mom was going out of town or something, so I had to take care of it, so I brought it over to my dad's house. And it got out of its cage, as hamsters are wont to do, and it was disappeared. And I had done all

these preparations to try and get it back into its cage, which you have to do sometimes when you have hamsters, because they'll just get out. And one day my dad calls me up to the kitchen table, or the dining room table, I should say, and sits me down and says, Jesse, and I'm like, oh no, this is going to be bad. And he goes, Jesse, I want you to... Your mom and I are getting re-divorced.

Re-divorced again. He sits me down and he says, Jesse, last night I went to pick up the baby and I stepped on your gerbil. Your gerbil. Yeah, but I think that's big of your dad. I think that he could have your dad i think that that you could have easily just played the he got out i found out years later that my stepmother made her

made him do it oh really yeah he wasn't gonna do it and my stepmom made him tell you yeah because he was traumatized because he did it he was only wearing socks oh we grew up with so many animals you know my mother is you know has become sort of a a kind of euthanizer. Is that the word? Yeah. Like when you grow up with a lot of animals, at some point they'll outlive themselves and you have to put them down and it's sort of sad. And I just remember this one time where I had come home from college and I was a grown-up now. And I laid it out with my mother.

I said, I'm going to be home for two weeks. I'm not gonna do any errands I don't want you leaving me notes on the counter with things I got to do I'm a grown person I don't have to run your errands I'm here as an adult doing my own stuff sure the next day there's a note on the counter and all it says is please take rags to the vet and have him put to sleep oh my god like you know like okay right right yeah raglan and and and like it was like it was almost i couldn't even understand it she had she had uh blown the whole idea apart it wasn't an errand go kill the dog you grew up with oh my god and i didn't do it i I fought that one. I said, Mom, I'm going to...

Game, set, match. I can't do it. Holy mackerel. I didn't do it. She did. And you went on to become a stand-up comedian. Yeah, that's just... Seems odd now in retrospect.

That's just one of the reasons. Wow-ee. Okay, well, let's go to something that is much more ridiculous, and that is our feud with Waldorf schools. What's that? A lot of people don't know this, but Waldorf schools are very dangerous for children. Previously, we had believed on this program that Montessori schools were dangerous for children, but then something that I don't remember exactly what it was changed our mind for some reason,

and we decided that actually there's a war between Montessori schools and Waldorf schools. And we're on the side of Montessori schools. So first of all, I want to say thank you to all the folks who sent me the New York Times article about the Waldorf school that sends children into the woods with an axe to kill each other. They kill each other is only my presumption. But it's a woods-based school um which i think is incredibly dangerous and they so there's certainly they never do anything like that to children in a montessori school um montessori school is all about finger painting isn't it uh and education creativity the important stuff whereas waldorf schools power of your mind

when you talk about waldorf schools what kind of stuff are you talking about? Number one, you're talking about... Arson. Arson. Number two, you're talking about... Check fraud. Number three, you're looking at other kinds of mail fraud, for example, and mail-related crimes. For example, let's say if you're in a Waldorf school and you have half a cup of coffee.

Yeah. And you say to a teacher, where should I get rid of this coffee? You know what they're going to tell you? What? Pour it into a mailbox. That's what they're going to tell you every time. Every time. So anyway, we asked our listeners who have experience with Waldorf and Montessori schools to give

us a call and let us know about some different stuff that's going on. Here's one call that we got. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, this is Laurel in Oakland. I know that you like to have people call in and make up weird facts about Waldorf schools. I actually attended a Waldorf school for a few unfortunate years there. And I wanted to tell you absolute truth in my memory. We spent most of our time making gnomes out of beeswax.

That's the kind of stuff they're doing at Waldorf schools. Making gnomes out of beeswax. That's the situation that we're dealing with. And you know what they call that? They call that a gateway molding. First you know what they call that they call that a gateway molding first you're making gnomes out of beeswax and then you're making key blanks out of

beeswax and then you're an international art thief sure or maybe one of those like a maybe you're like a saw guy and you make it like a trap to put on someone's head to her credit this does explain the number of beeswax gnomes that I personally have come in contact with in my life. Yeah, yeah. There's definitely a whole generation of children

wasting their time. This answers a lot of questions for me. The two scourges of our time, I would argue, and certainly I know best, and I would love if Charlie Rose

is out there listening, send me an email, jesse at maximumfun.org. Let's talk about getting this on the public broadcasting system. Shit, it doesn't even have to be Charlie Rose. No, I want Charlie Rose. Tavis, if you're out there listening, I'll come on your show.

You can yell some phrases at me, and then I'll explain what I'm all about. Huell Hauser. Huell Hauser. Huell, we met you at the Put This On launch party. You're an amazing man. Bring us in. We'll talk about Southern California's greatest challenge, which is, number one, crack cocaine, rock cocaine. It's cheap, it's potent, and it's taking over our inner cities.

Number two, Waldorf schools teaching children to pour coffee into mailboxes. And also the bridge is available for anybody. Just anybody. Anybody in public broadcasting? I'm going to throw out a few ideas here. Alan Alda, Scientific American Frontiers. Are you in? Yes, the bridge is available.

Okay, Antiques Roadshow. You're going to do a segment about furniture with Antiques Roadshow F. Tompkins, which is the guy on Antiques Roadshow who looks like Paul F. Tompkins. I'll be the classic bridge. Okay, fantastic. American Experience. We're going to ask you to read some letters written by one Roosevelt to another Roosevelt.

Right, Mark Maron the Bridge reading the Roosevelt letters. See, this is the kind of shit we're taking care of. We're about common sense solutions. Yeah, that's right. And beeswax gnomes. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne,

America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mark la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mark the Bridge Marin, guest on the show. I like it. I don't think it needed the little filigree at the end there. I thought it was fine. Did you? Yeah, it's nice.

Just to clarify, if people are wondering whether he's a regular host or... Yeah, well, you know, Mark has a podcast. Sometimes it's mixed up in your inbox. All right, wait, wait. You know what? You're right. You they've made up they made a playlist they were listening to what the fuck with mark maron and it led directly into okay all right get i get it jesse let's do it again okay do you okay i'll do i'll do my part yeah you go and then he goes i'm jesse thorn america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective. Mark Maron, the bridge. This is great.

That works. It felt good. Do you want to do it one more time? It felt great. Yeah, I'm going to try it. I'll do a different reading on it. Okay. Just one more reading just to get something else on tape.

Okay. I'm Mark Maron, America's radio sweetheart. I'm a polar bear. I'm fat. Great. Okay, let's go to moment one we got we got we finally got a take we can use yeah good finally got a take we can use when something momentous happens in your life we ask that you give us a call as it happens or in the immediate aftermath at 206-984-4

fun and let us know about it's for a segment we like to call momentous Occasions. Let's go to the phones. Hi, Jordan, Jessica. This is Anne from Colorado calling with the Momentous Occasion. I'm in Nebraska for work, the middle of nowhere at a school, and I saw a helicopter fly by very low, and right behind it was a dog. The dog was chasing the helicopter. And that made my day. That was pretty cool to see. That's called a magic moment, Jordan. This is the kind of thing that you...

God. If we could bottle that... Yeah. If we could bottle that kind of magic, we would be richer than Mr. Lee and Mr. Perrins with their famous worcestershire sauce it's a momentous occasion to me just to hear how well adjusted and pleasant your fans sound yeah good diction too well they sound like they have you know personal boundaries and jobs oh

this one's gonna mess that up okay good hi jordan jesse this is uh troy from minneapolis i just got out of the health club where I was changing in the locker room and saw the fattest naked man I've ever seen who caught me looking at him and then remarked, I bet I'm the fattest naked man you've ever seen. I gingerly nodded and said, well, yeah, you are. And he said, well, you're the first Jew I've ever seen in a health club, so I guess we've both seen something out of the ordinary today. Wow. Yay. Wow.

Yay. Yay. Again, if we could bottle these magic moments. I take issue with that because most people are circumcised now. So I thought that was way out of line for the fat guy to say that. I mean, it was an assumption. To be fair, this guy had a real Jew nose. Okay.

A real schnoz on him. Yeah. So, okay. That makes sense. Yeah. So I don't, I't i mean i'm not trying to be i'm just trying to explain the situation troy and a very jewish name might have been wearing a yarmulke naked as well sure he was he was actually he was you know what you know what uh gave him away his four locks yeah he was dominating nakedining naked in the locker room in Minneapolis. He was actually conducting a breast at the time. Yeah. Hey, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. This is Richard from Michigan calling with a momentous occasion.

Yesterday I had a kidney stone out, and there was so much blood coming out of my business by the end that they sent me home from the hospital with a menstrual pad. So, woo-hoo, I'm in touch with my feminine side. Remember when you were saying about how friendly and... I thought I was going to get out of here without being frightened and nauseous. Yeah, no. Some of our listeners are, you know, polite and boundary-having.

Some just talk about their weenies. And we encourage it, to be fair. And bad kidneys. I mean, like, any time... Hey, Jordan, we did a whole show on Jordan's kidneys. Yeah, yeah. You just, well, I... And we encourage it, to be fair. And bad kidneys. I mean, like, anytime... Hey, Jordan, we did a whole show on Jordan's kidneys. Yeah, yeah. You did? Yeah, I had a stone.

That was, uh... Oh, my God, that stuff just... Like, I can, like, anything, nothing sort of gets me squirming more than, like, internal organs going bad. With good cause, too. Let's leave the gross stuff behind and just go with a simple, gross story that I'm playing primarily for commercial reasons. Hi, this is Jojo in L.A., and I had a momentous occasion, which is just that I recently got my Maximum Fun sweatshirt with the rocket ship on it. And I was wearing it, and I was going to go take my nephew to the park in Silver Lake, and I was going to continue to wear it.

And then I thought to myself, you know, it might get dirty, whatever. So I changed to a ratty sweatshirt. And I went to the park, and my nephew, who is 10 months old, threw up. And I thought it was momentous because I had the foresight to not get throw up on my Maximum Fun sweatshirt. Here's the real lesson of that. He thinks that he is some kind of sweatshirt psychic where he put on his nice, and they are nice,

Max Fun sweatshirt from MaxFunStore.com. Do I get one for doing the show? You can have a Santa Yung America t-shirt if you want. What, is that one that you just have in your drawer? Yeah, pretty much. I'm just going to give you an old Santa Yunga America t-shirt that I've been using as a rag. Can Jordan give me his t-shirt, his sweatshirt? Jordan, you can give Mark your Fuel t-shirt, right?

Sure, yeah. You want a Fuel TV t-shirt? You have one with you? No, we want that one. You know, this is the one I'm wearing. Okay. What size is that? You're medium or large?

Medium. Can you do a medium, Mark? Sure, I can. What are you saying? I would have guessed triple X What size is that? You're medium or large? Medium. Can you do a medium, Mark? Sure I can. What are you saying? I would have guessed triple X. Oh, that's hilarious. Ah! I hope I can get out of this chair

after this is over. Anyway, this guy thinks he's a psychic because he anticipated that this 10-month-old was going to throw up on his sweatshirt, so he switched. Tough one, yeah. He switched to the second-rate sweatshirt.

He is correct that the Max Fund sweatshirt is one of the nicest sweatshirts you can buy. I mean, we source all our materials from Alternative Apparel, which is a super classy, fancy operation. They're doing very nice stuff. Significant improvement over the American apparel, and you can buy it all at MaxFundStore.com. However, what he doesn't know is that what happened is when he switched sweatshirts, his 10-month-old nephew got nauseous and threw up because he was wearing the wrong sweatshirt. He's just confusing cause and effect.

Yeah, he was probably just trying, just getting the hang of perception and object permanence, and it disrupted it. Something to do with his soft spot. Can I just say... He shouldn't have given him the mushrooms. Yeah, seamless in terms of integrating self-promotion into a conversation.

Oh, do you like how seamless that was? I didn't even know it was happening. Speaking of which, Mark Maron joining us via Cisco Telepresence. Cisco Telepresence. Thanks to Cisco Telepresence, Mark Maron is here joining us today. I've really enjoyed being here because just this morning I was on WTFpod.com, my website. Sure. You know, trying to integrate some of the ideas.

The home of the What the Fuck podcast. Exactly. With Mark Maron. Yeah. Can I try one? Yeah. Hey, Mark, it's been really great meeting you. A real joy.

Arby's! Arby's! Hey, Gigi, this is Chad in Austin. I was just up in a small town taking care of some government-related business there we go you know what the good end of that would have been? And being that I was on government business, I took them out and drove off quickly. With extreme prejudice. That's what you're actually, if you're in a post office, you're legally required to

shoot a mime. Yeah. You know what you can't do in a post office? What's that? Take pictures. Really? Yeah. We tried to do a flip cam thing where I was going to a post office and literally they were like, you can't do that in here.

They were worried. It was a concern about how maybe we were taking the pictures of that post office and using them as a possible bombing location. Oh yeah, you're casing the joint. Sure, sure. To be fair, you were holding a bowling ball with a small piece of twine coming out of it that you'd lit on fire. Yeah, actually, I was. That was part of the bit. But I think they were still being a little sensitive.

Yeah. What up, JJ Go? This is Matt from Seattle. I'm calling with momentous occasion. I'm walking down the street, and a homeless gentleman just tried to sell me an entire turkey with stuffing coming out of it for two dollars i don't know where it came from i don't know why he came up with the price of two dollars but it was an entire turkey with stuffing oh that's good i'll tell you what just happened he came from the land of value no he he came from some supermarket that had a roast turkey.

And quickly, right before that story, there's a bunch of people at some supermarket going, what do you mean he just took a whole turkey? No one stopped him? Seemed audacious. Yeah, we just cooked those turkeys. We're going to slice them up. They probably had a prepared food section. Sure. I had that experience once in New York where a guy just came up to me and said,

you want to buy some meat? And he literally had raw hamburger meat in a package. Wow. I'm like, I don't know if this is a good source for meat. Oldest man. I found it more disturbing than drugs. I mean, drugs, I'm like, that's who you buy drugs from. Meat, I don't buy on the street. I just generally don't.

Yeah, you want to buy it from somewhere more refrigerated. Right. There's no cooler around. You just got meat. Oh, now look who's the highfalutin one in his ivory tower. Mr. Taking it to the streets. He just goes, hey, somebody just pulls up in one of those, what do they call that? Like a package truck, is that what they call that?

Yeah, an refrigerated truck. And somebody pulls up, and they roll down the window, and they're like, hey, listen, I just did a home stereo installation down the street. You got these two speakers. And I got some meat left over. I once called a guy on that rack. Like, there was a guy that did that to me. Like, you know, yeah, we just, we got these two speakers left over in the back.

Have you ever, that's a scam with the van. This is like the most famous, like there literally could not be a more famous scam than the we've just got two speakers left over right i said to the guy i said look i know what you're doing him onto that shit and you know i don't want it and he's like really well who the fuck are you like i was the idiot like he like he started to he was gonna kick my ass because i called him on a scam what does he think he's gonna get from that in trouble he's he's he's running a scam that he read in in they've been running this scam has existed since before people knew what speakers were where part of the scam originally was to explain that speakers were eventually a technology that would be used to reproduce sound.

What do they sell you, though? What's in the box? I don't know what's in there. What do you think, Jordan? Just crappy speakers? Probably Brita pitchers, right? Yeah, probably. Jordan recently had one of his neighbors ask him if the Brita filtered water pitcher that

he was carrying home from the grocery store was something that he was selling. Really? You're selling that? you're selling that you say you're selling that yeah just because he's the world's biggest dirt bag i want to have a yard sale i think but i don't know how to like i don't know if i want i should have a yard you don't want to you don't know if you want people to come is that what you're gonna say i just don't know how i would publicize it like i don't know you don't know whether it should be mark maron's yard sale is that what you're saying right because you could do better if it was mark maron's yard sale but you don't want people to jack off on the stuff that you sell them well i don't know i don't care about that i just don't know there's certain people i don't know if i want them to have my address yeah like how do i you know what am i going to put it on facebook i feel like this came

up on never not funny uh recently and um and it was discovered that both Matt and Jimmy, our friends Matt and Jimmy from the Never Not Funny podcast, had had garage sales where they wouldn't put their address in the Craigslist listing. Because of fear of the... Because they were worried that people would then know where they lived. Well, I guess what you're worried about is that you're really worried about about is that you're

really worried about the people that love you too much right when you have a public personality certainly there are some people that love you too much this is a big problem for jordan with his fuel work uh yes uh when he when he he'll run into a 13 year old at the at the uh uh uh kookaroo sure well 13 year old's not as as threatening as say a disgruntled 35 year old guy who thinks it thinks you're sending him secret messages from the right because the 13 year old still has to get his mother to take him you know what yeah you know what i've started doing recently that i had no idea about betraying people i had no idea had no idea that I was making these promises that I'm betraying people on. Like what?

You know, I don't want to get too specific about it, but I have recently been getting like the negative, like I always get a little bit of negative feedback for stuff. Lately, several of the pieces of negative feedback have been about how I was betraying the person and the trust that they had placed in me. That's called radio. As the host of a minor public radio program. I offended people with something. It's always amazing what people get offended by

because it's never something you think, like, this is going to be dicey. Talking about this is really going to provoke people. Yeah, yeah. It's never that. People are fine with religion and politics, but it's i should like i called people who play guitar hero fucking losers and i the the hate mail coming in wow it's profound it's like you know you arrogant bastard how can you deny us our good time you know and i really didn't mean it to be that loaded sure it's

just my assumption was that why don't you learn how to play real guitar or you know or don't you know assume that you're doing anything that requires any skill other than learning how to push buttons a different way. But people really – You had a traditional critique of Guitar Hero. And some people wrote me considerate letters saying, look, I agree what you're saying, but my son played Guitar Hero, and now he's decided to play guitar because of being because of playing guitar hero now he's playing songs that i like and then another father said well the only good thing about guitar hero is now my my daughter knows the songs that i grew up with because they're the ones used on guitar sure so we can enjoy led zeppelin together for example

like he grew up listening to kurt cobain singing bon jovi yeah but but some people got really offended that i'd really like I really shit on their life by saying people who play guitar are fucking losers. Well, hopefully we've betrayed you a few ways on this week's Jordan, Jesse, Go. We'll be back in just a second

with more. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mark Maron, the bridge? That's good.

Quizzical. Good. Say it quizzically. What we'll do is we like to gather a few takes, then we splice them together and see what we can make out of them. We try and make a little song. We usually try and make a little song. That's our objective.

Well, that sounds fun. I'm glad you guys have your work cut out for you trying out different pitches and just different beats trance beat i'm not buying any christmas presents i'm not buying any high nrg beats oh i'm sorry did i change the subject uh you should um buy all your christmas presents um you know what i would argue is the best Christmas present of all? Something that gives you money? Something from the Max Funds store? Something that supports me, yes. Okay, sure. That pays my rent.

That pays for my internet DHL. I just buy my mailman liquor. Yeah? Yeah, like at Christmas. I don't buy him any presents because my brother's got too many kids, and I don't know what he wants, and we're not big gift givers, and I'm not married anymore, so I'm going to save some money this Christmas. But my mailman— But you're going all out for the mailman.

I'll always buy him some high-end tequila or something or a really nice bottle of wine because he's a nice guy, and that's a tough job. Yeah. Oh, I watched Defending Your Life yesterday, and there's a joke in that where—like, you know how it's Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep and Meryl Streep has led this just pristine life and Albert Brooks is kind of a jerk. She goes like, so you didn't even know your mailman's

name? He's like, no, but I got him some booze at Christmas. I just poured it in the mailbox though. The greatest gift of all is a ticket to MaxFunCon. Isn't it, though? If you buy someone a ticket to MaxFunCon, they will get a full weekend of delight and entertainment

with people like myself, Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart, my good friend Jordan Morris, Boy Detective, of course, the brilliant and amazing Mark Maron, The Bridge, as he is known popularly. I don't know if that's going to Mark Maron, The Bridge, as he is known popularly. I don't know if that's going to stick. Mark the Bridge Maron. Do I have to buy tickets to go, or am I in? You're in. You've got tickets. You've got lodging.

You've got food. Lake Arrowhead. That's in the San Bernardino Mountains. The beautiful San Bernardino Mountains. Is it going to be like camp? Do we roast marshmallows and make s'mores? Yes, we do. Will there be archery? There's no archery, although archery? We actually roast... Is there archery?

There's no archery, although archery was an option they offered me. Yeah. But it was at an additional cost. Was it really? Yeah. But there will be... We really do make s'mores. And there will probably be a lot of people in attendance who have some sort of knowledge

about, like, fantasy weaponry. Uh-huh. So, I mean, sure, they might bring their own bows. Exactly. So, a few people will probably be wearing their chain mail. Sure. Ooh, okay. Well, then I've got to do...

No, it's not like that, Mark. You've got to do some shopping. It's not like that. Okay. Number one, it's sort of like camp, but it's much fancier than camp. A few people remarked to me about how much fancier it was than they expected it to be.

Is it cabins? Do we get cabins? There's cabins. Am I staying in a cabin? They're called condolets, Mark, because they're a combination of a condo and a chalet. So I'm going to have a kitchen in my condo? There's no kitchen, but it doesn't matter. You don't need a kitchen because there's food provided to you, and it's very good food.

And is there a mess hall? There is a dining hall, which is not a mess hall. It's too classy to be a mess hall because it's in a hunting lodge. It's a there is a dining hall oh that's which is not a mess hall it's too classy to be a mess hall because it's in a hunting lodge it's a hunting lodge yeah are we gonna hunt uh we'll probably do some hunting really we'll hunt for a good time don't tell that at the bare minimum we're gonna kick a few pigeons i was hoping we would kick pigeons and step on mice oh boy um maxfuncon.com for that um mark mirren course, is the host of the great podcast, What the Fuck. It really is a great podcast. Really been enjoying it.

Just last week, we were joking about something that Doug Stanhope said on your program. Oh, yeah? When Doug Stanhope claimed that he was... When he feigned surprise at the fact that his week-long, middle-of-the-desert bacchanal had gone sour after a few years. That guy, Doug Stanhope, once, I was working for a comedy festival that he was performing at, and I had to pick him up to do a morning television interview. And I showed up, and I said, you know, I called, and I'm here. He said, I'll be right interview. And I showed up and this guy and and I said, you know,

I called and I'm here. He said, I'll be right out. And this guy that wasn't Doug Stanhope came out and got in the car. And I said, Who are you? Like what? Like, you're not Doug Stanhope. Yeah. And because he he got in the car and said, Hi, I'm Doug Stanhope. And I said, you're not Doug Stanhope. I know who Doug Stanhope is. He's a famous comedian, and I am involved in the organization of this event. And the guy just goes, then the guy's girlfriend gets in the car. And I'm like, wait. Sounds like a taxi cab confession waiting to happen. What's happening and he just said well me and my

girlfriend and doug were up all night doing blow and he didn't want to do the tv interview so he sent me to do it did you take him well that's the thing i was i call i i called my boss and i said what am i supposed to do because d Doug Stanhope sent someone to be Doug Stanhope. And I know that it's not Doug Stanhope. And I feel like a real asshole showing up at this TV show that was nice enough to book one of our people in it with a not Doug Stanhope. And my boss was just completely silent for about 90 seconds, which on the phone is a really long time. And he just said, he just goes to me, he goes, Jesse, you don't know what Doug Stanhope looks like, and you don't know that that's not Doug Stanhope.

And you did it? And I did it. How'd the guy do? He did okay. He was a local comic from the Bay Area. Who? I'm not going to mention his name. But not a national scene local comic from the Bay Area.

Oh, but so he had some chops. He was an occasionally emceeing a show level. Did they bill him as Doug Stanhope? Yeah. Oh, that's it. And interviewed him as Doug Stanhope. You executed a classic Stanhope ruse. Oh, it was really, and it was horrible.

It was really horrible because, not because it was so bad that he was doing it, but just that I was in this position of knowing that that wasn't Doug Stanhope and then having to like placate these people at this television program. Yeah, you know, honestly, when he was on WTF, that was, you know, we have known of each other for years, but we had never talked. So that was really the first time we'd ever talked was when I had him on the show. Wow.

And we'd known about, like, I knew his stuff, he knew my stuff. It was very interesting. He's a very talented and very interesting guy. He's not necessarily my thing, but... No, no, he is. He's a guy who I respect because he'll talk for a while. He's got a point to make.

And when does this show that we're talking on right now go up? Oh, days from now. Almost immediately. Oh, really? Because this week, Andy Kindler and I sat down for a chat on WTF, which you can get at WTFpod.com. And also my mother, Eddie Brill, the booker of The David Letterman show, also a comedian will be on this week. And my mother makes her first appearance as a dietary consultant on the show. This is my mother who has had a manageable eating disorder for as long as

I've known her and has never weighed more than 115 pounds. So ladies, men, if you're interested in my mother's system, which involves jello, nonfat pudding, and entire cans of fat-free Ready Whip. This is the dietary... Yes. It's going to be big. It's going to be big. Toby Maron's dietary segment on WTF.

I like the team-up of you and Kindler. I would like it more if you just talked in a Kindler voice the entire time. And it was which one? Okay, so WTFpod.com, correct? Yes, that can do it. And MarkMaron.com, M-A-R-C-M-A-R-O-N for Mark Maron.

We're Jesse and Jordan. You know where to find us. But get yourself something for Christmas at MaxFunStore.com, for God Maron. We're Jesse and Jordan. You know where to find us, but get yourself something for Christmas at maxfunstore.com, for God's sake. It's nice stuff. I'm going there now. It's nice stuff. I'm going to get something.

And we'll see you at MaxFunCon. Is that enough plugs for one thing? Yeah, I think that's fine. I feel like this has been very... But it's good shit. We saved him for the end. We're plugging good shit. This is not bullshit.

We're letting you know about good shit. Should I bring my boots to the... Oh, those are nice boots. That's a black cherry, correct? Yeah, these are the black cherry. You're looking at a black cherry. What are they called? Traveler?

Gentleman Traveler. Gentleman Traveler. I'm looking to get the black ones. But see, by the time MaxFunCon happens, these will be very broken in, and I'll be ready to take them into the dirt. That's great. Oh, nice. Well, that's good, because you're going to want it to...

You're going to get your hands dirty. Yeah. For making s'mores. For making s'mores and kicking pigeons. And possibly for archery. Yeah, and archery. I'm looking forward to the archery. Should I bring my gun? Absolutely.

You know what? We were just talking about this with Max Von Kahn. This show's way too long already. I don't have a gun. James Richmuth from Casper Hauser. All these Casper Hauser guys, they have these fancy jobs. James Richmuth is a public defender in San Francisco. He's a federal public defender. And he works very often on gun related cases. And he and John Richmuth, the twins from Casper Hauser, are from rural Oregon.

And it turns out, I was talking to Casper Hauser about what they're going to teach. I was like, you guys should do two workshops this year. Your other workshop was so great. They did this creativity workshop last time that people were like, oh, it changed my life, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, you should do two workshops. And I get an email. I get an email.

We're thinking we'll do the creativity workshop again. And then John will do one of his gun workshops what do you think gun workshops? it sounds like I'm going to need to bring a notebook too absolutely okay we'll be back next time oh our theme music Love You by The Free Design courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic

records from their CD Kites are Fun the best of The Free Design we'll see you next time on Jordan Jesse Go