Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 119: Pith And Vinegar

Episode Date: December 14, 2009

With the dapper and hilarious Paul F. Tompkins - the guys take some calls, talk about being on tv commercials and put an end to the great dessert war.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, raggedy, maddy, twiddle, Jesse, go.

Extensive discussions of Axe body spray. Plus, we finally settled the debate. Cake or pie? Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, a delightful guest with us today, Jordan.

A delightful guest! Yeah. Have you ever thought we should start underselling the guests? That's a good point. I feel like, I don't know, I just feel like it's... I understand what you're saying. As far for the course now, we have this, we say hello, we have a huge guest pump up. And it's never a letdown. It used to be always

great but there was a time when the big news was that the guest was our friend from college ashcon sure and sure ashcon is welcome here anytime he'll tell us a story about a time he almost got into a threesome and talk about his rap career that's great and we love ashcon there's no doubt about it i'm talking as though he would ever listen to our podcast. No, let's not turn this into an Ashkahn slam fest. Who knows that's not productive. So we certainly we need to pump up Ashkahn a little bit so people understand the significance of having Ashkahn on your podcast. Sure. A lot of people might think that's just a buddy of theirs. That's not a noted rapper, a popular threesome haver, legendary Bay to L.A. Bon Vivant.

Okay. But you're right in that now that our guests are more consistently, I would say maybe amazing, maybe we don't need to. Maybe we should take them down a peg before we

have them on. And now, ladies and gentlemen, a real C-minus, Paul F. Tompkins. Paul F. Tompkins. Wow, that really came close to not being insulting, and then you pulled it out at the last second.

That's our motto for George Jesse Go, pulling it out at the last second. Yeah, it's kind of a fuck you sleight of hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was almost fun to be here, but now at the very beginning of this podcast, I am already not into it.

Congratulations, boys. Would you say you've checked out? Oh, yes, absolutely. Oh, good. Absolutely. From here on out, I will be giving 100% of 10%. We really... We really...

Generally, we like to think of ourselves as a sort of Ricky Jay of insults, where we'll show an insult to you, and then where did it go? And you're left not insulted, but you are confused. Well, it's not the insult that you made disappear. It's the compliment that you made disappear. Okay. Yeah. That's a good point. Yeah.

We could have talked about how you're one of the best in the business, number one. One of the funniest guys around. Could have dropped that in. We could have talked about your tasteful combination of moleskin and corduroy. We could have talked about your handsome eyeglass frames. Great looking eyeglass

frames. All grist for the compliment mill. We could have talked about But you know what, Paul? The real magic trick. You don't know this now, and I hate to ruin it. Okay, don't... When you get to your car after we're done with this, it's gonna be filled with chocolate coins. That seems impractical.

When you say filled... It's gonna be delightful. Is it that I will not be able to get into the car? You will have to eat a lot of chocolate coins to be able to drive. Here's what you're gonna have to do, Paul. You'll love every second of it. You're gonna have to eat roughly 18 inches of chocolate coins just so that the little thing that indicates whether your door is locked or not can go up so you can open your door.

Because the pressure downward from the filling of the coins, that's what makes it such an amazing illusion, frankly. Anybody can put in... Hold on a second. Is that an illusion? You just fill a car with something? It's a mind freak, Paul. It's like a 1920s college stunt.

Jordan's right. Technically, it's a mind freak. That's four of them. Mind irritation. Splitting hairs. We are going to be doing some 1920s college stunts, though. Yes. Did you know that about Jordan and Jesse Gohm?

I did not. Yeah, right now, we're preparing the telephone booth. We've got 15 guys ready to go. Right. We're going to get them all in there. Is this with raccoon coats or without? Because that adds a lot of bulk, and you're going to get fewer people in there. I'll be waving my tiny pennant.

I am wearing a sweater that could be my year of graduation for a 1920s. Where's your leather football helmet? Oh, we have a lot of good times on Jordan, Jesse. I'll bet you do. Especially when we've got someone as delightful as Mr. Paul F. Tompkins here. A lot of good stuff to talk about on the show this week, not least of which is Axe Body Spray. Yeah, it'll come up. I mean, we talk about Axe, just to bring you in on what we do here on the show. Most of the show is about Axe Body Spray, but not all of it. No, I haven't heard the show in quite a while, probably not since its earliest days.

I don't remember a whole lot of Axe Body Spray talks. In the early days, Paul gave it a listen, decided it wasn't for him, and got out of there. Can you listen to a whole lot of acts when you talk in the in the early days paul gave it a listen decided it wasn't for him and got out of there can't listen to everything absolutely so as the show has gone on would you see when you say over the course of the years it was involved really naturally i don't want you to think we're like shoehorning it in because of like sponsorship obligations or whatever but just you know it's obligations or whatever. But we're always taking a constant poll of what the listeners want, and it's Axe Talk. It's sort of like going from...

It's evolved in the way that you might go from Axe Evolve to Axe Savage. I would point out that everything in this room seems to have an Axe Body Spray logo on it. That's technically not true. Are you counting the doorknob as something that doesn't? The door does, but the doorknob doesn't. I think you're splitting hairs here. Technically, it's worn off of the doorknob.

Oh, I see. So it was there at one time. Well, you have to use the doorknob to get in and out of the door. You see what I'm saying? And eventually it wears off. Right, right, right. Unless you reapply it, which we have not yet done. And technically, my dog doesn't have an axe. Oh, I'm sorry.

No. Corrected. I stand corrected. She does. Yeah, it seems to be carved into her fur. Yeah. Now that I think about it. And her skin.

And her skull. I mean, you can't see because she's got her winter coat. My head. But it's also carved into her skin and her skin i mean you can't see because she's got her winter coat but uh it's also she's she's wearing a raccoon coat actually yeah she seems to be disguised as a raccoon well are you sure that's not a raccoon it is it's a raccoon coat because uh later on out of the trash can later on she's good jesse it's washing its food, Jesse. It's washing its food. She's going to be participating in a dance marathon later. All right. She has tiny little hands. I think that's a raccoon.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Where are we going? La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Gohm, Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. We've got Paul F. Tompkins with us here. Guest. I didn't have a title. That's good. Well, actually, kind of part of our thing, part of the, you know, kind of, you know, welcome package we offer guests,

in addition to the slippers and the uh and the whole bean coffee have you have you already been to the gifting suite no i wondered what that was yeah that's a good it's a gifting oh i thought it was like a wrapping room like for the holidays that you had like candy spelling that you had a gift wrapping room i don't know not at all that's a that's a gifting. So you'll find a lot of great body sprays there. All from the Axe family of products. They're from the Axe family of products. So the gifting is primarily Axe-related.

Are there any ugly watches in there? Absolutely. There's an ugly Axe watch. Oh, okay. It actually has a little Axe sprayer in it for those, what the fuck am I going to do without my axe times? Right. It's very douchebag James Bond. Exactly.

That's sort of, that's the theme of this year's axe collection. It also has a little knife in it. Douchebag James Bond. There's also an axe axe. Oh, finally, right? Exactly. What took so long? It's because you can get sweaty when you're

out there chopping wood. Absolutely. Is it a full axe or is it a hatchet? Technically, it's a hay axe or half axe. Oh. Which is bigger than a hatchet but smaller than a full axe. But we're saying axe axe

because that's catchier. But if you haven't got a hay axe, then God bless you. Exactly. Jordan, are you really... Okay, before we went on the air... I just want to complete the... I also have an interruption. Okay. This is also a thing.

Part of our welcome package, you can make up a nickname if you want to. Sure, sure, sure. So if you want to just go with guest, that's fine. I'll think about it while you guys are talking. Sure. Rather than pay attention. Will you contribute to the conversation?

What's that? Will you contribute to the conversation? From time to time. Okay. Yeah. Mostly you'll be mulling over what you want to nickname. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be thinking about what my title should be.

Good. Prioritize. One thing I think about Paul and coming up with a nickname is, I mean, Paul is a comedian, but he's a very classy comedian. So he could, he does have- So he doesn't work blue, is what you're is a comedian, but he's a very classy comedian, so he could, he does have... So he doesn't work blue, is what you're saying. Oh, yeah. This guy would never,

a foul word has never passed his lips. And if it does, it's very exciting when it happens. Indeed. It's like that time on The Cosby Show where he called his daughter a cunt. Just that one time. Just that once. Did that make it to air?

It was Rudy. It was Rudy that he called a cunt. It did. It was once did that make it to air it was rudy it was rudy that he called it was really when they were going head to head with the simpsons it's like that ratings battle remember when they were going head to head with the simpsons i do remember that okay so that's that's around when it happened it was a sweeps stunt what happened is they had a couple of sort of like cunt themed episodes of a of a different world. A couple? Yeah, of a different world. Oh, sure. And so once they had sort of tested the waters with ADW, they went to TCS. Which is the big show.

Right, the big show is what they called it at the time. Big show, little show, yeah. And they decided that America was ready for the cause to go cunt. Wow. Not just television in general, cause to go cunt. Wow. Not just television in general, but Bill Cosby specifically. Oh, well, who do you think is... If Dick Van Dyke says that on Diagnosis Murder, people are checking out. And I don't mean dying so he can diagnose their murder.

Right, right, right. What if he'd said it on the Dick Van Dyke show? If that taboo had been broken in black and white times. Like if he had called Mary Tyler Moore that? Yeah, or Mel Cooley. Who frankly was asking for it. He was asking for it. I don't think the man would call his own wife

that word. Especially because she is number one, very beautiful. Number two, very charming. Number three, very hilarious. Although he was a drunk at that time. So who knows? He might have been a mean drunk. Who knows? Who really knows? I had have been a mean drunk. Who knows? Really, who knows?

I had no idea, I guess, the extent to which, and we'll get back to Axe Body Spray. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, I hope so. Yeah. The extent to which. That is a rich vein we can mine. The extent to which Dick Van Dyke's career fell apart. I had no idea that at one point he was in just a touring production of the music man oh i didn't know that either yeah that's what he did in like the 70s wow when he

was at his lowest point his his absolute nadir of drunken uh effed upness he was just in a touring production of the music man i bet he was great, though. He was playing Marion the Librarian. Oh, that's an interesting production. He was drunk and gender-bending. Yeah, they do those all-female odd couples. Breaking boundaries. That's what it was like. Really challenging the audiences.

Jordan, is this actually true that you're auditioning for an Axe Body Spray commercial? I am. Kind of something I wanted to talk about. It's kind of a new venture for me is auditioning for commercials. And after we do this, I am going to an Axe Body Spray commercial. Let me say, Jordan, you've got a great look. I do. I've been told I have a look.

I'm a type. Yeah. Sure. And, yeah. You look like you smell. I'm a type. Yeah. Sure. And, yeah. You look like you smell. Sure, thank you. Yeah, right. I should explain for Paul that Jordan, of course, is an accomplished comedian and television personality. Of course he is.

But he also has experience in the commercial acting arena. Oh, I'm well aware. He portrayed a surfer alongside NBC4's Fritz Kuhlman. In a commercial for The Weather Report. That was my one foray into commercial acting, and I got that just because someone saw a sketch comedy show

that I was in, and said, hey, we're making these funny weather commercials. Do you have any great characters you can bring to the table? Surfer dude. Jordan said, surfer dude that wants to know what the weather is. So he can get the the table. Surfer dude. Jordan said, surfer dude that wants to know what the weather is. So he can get the best waves. Wow. Okay.

But recently... Now, did they... I'm sorry. Did they ask for weather-based characters? Yeah, yeah. Or were you just shrewd and you were like, ah, I know how to get in with these guys. No, I mean, I had sleep guy. Yeah.

Which, you know, it's... His main hook... That's a little blue. If I could describe his hook, it's that he's cold because it's not just cold, it's also wet. Yeah. So it chills him to the bone. Yeah. That's actually his catchphrase, right?

Isn't that Sleek Guy's catchphrase? I'm chilled to the bone. No, no, no. It's, I'm chilled to the bone. You kind of butchered it there. You had to drop Sleek Guy because somebody pointed out it was just a sort of variation on Jonathan Winters' Aunt Sleety. Yeah. That, not a proud day.

Here's the thing. When you're a comedian, you know this as a comedian. The rain is freezing. That's how Aunt Sleety used to go. Yeah. That's true. When you're a comedian, you're going to tread on territory that's already been trod upon by the great Jonathan Winters. And everybody else, like my nine dirty words you can't say in the movie theater.

Somebody pointed out that George Carlin, the hippy-dippy weatherman, had a bit that's very similar to that. Exactly. And for a long time, I was calling Rudy from The Cosby Show a cunt. Yeah. That was more personal, though, right? Wasn't that more personal? She crossed me one too many times. Yeah, exactly.

So, Jordan, I feel like Paul has an idea of the kind of stature of work that you've done in this field before. And if I didn't before, I certainly do now. Yeah. But, you know, when I decided to try show business, I always told myself, I don't want to audition for commercials.

I don't want to do it. I think I'm fine without it. Why didn't you want to do it? Because this is a great way. For example, when our buddy Rob Hubel was on the program, he talked about how he made a great living as a commercial actor for quite some time. Now, granted, very handsome man.

Yeah. But still, it's a great way to make a living if you've got a look. And Jordan, you've got a look and jordan yeah you've got a you know i and it's probably just a misplaced um it's probably a misplaced youthful kind of pith and vinegar thing where i was just kind of like vinegar yeah and vinegar isn't a thing no you i think you can like you can say pith and vinegar no why would you piss and vinegar talking about brief you're talking about pith helmets i think you would you piss and vinegar you guys i don't know pith what are you talking

about brief you're talking about pith helmets i think you can't wait hold on let's look this up let's look let's look this up look it up pick it up i don't want to i don't want a whole fucking barrage of jordan was wrong things okay there's a recurring segment on the show the one called jordan yeah yeah let's just get it out of the way now let's get out of the way now i'm i'm you can say pith and vinegar i cannot say pith and vinegar. No, you cannot say pith and vinegar. And also, you mustn't. What if I say it again? Well, good luck to you.

You're not responsible. I think the pith and vinegar man will appear and drag you to hell. I'm searching here for pith and vinegar. No. Did Google ask you a question by any chance? In red italics? Google is curious if I might have meant piss and vinegar. Oh!

I don't know why I thought that. There is. Really? Nothing? Here at Washington State University, there is a something. That's good enough for me. I'm right. Oh, okay.

You don't need to finish. Here we go. No, according to common errors in English usage. Oh, good start. Good start. I like where this is going. Some people try to make... Everyone says piss in vinegar.

Some people try to make this expression more polite by substituting pith for piss, but this change robs it of the imagery of acrid, energetically boiling fluids and conjures up instead a sodden, vinegar-soaked mass of pith. Many people who use the polite version are unaware of the original.

I'm, okay, here's the thing. I'm no Cosby. I don't need to work blue. I'm not calling anyone a cunt. You're not the kind of guy who goes around in baggy pants listening to rap music like a Cosby. Please pull your pants up. Anyways, my language errors aside. Yeah.

My semantic errors aside. Your many language and semantic errors aside. Yes. Anyways, I... Your profligate language and semantic errors aside. Your many language and semantic errors aside. Yes. Anyways, I... Your profligate language and semantic errors aside. Yes. My word mistakes. You know, so I told myself...

We try and build these things to a capper. Oh, I can't wait to get there. It's going to be good. It's exciting. Watching you guys work on this structure has been exciting. Sure. It's like I'm at a Habitat for Humanity build. Jimmy Carter is a guy who's involved with that?

Yeah, he's involved with it. He is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the face of it. He's peripherally involved. So I kind of told myself that none of my comedy heroes started out in commercials. Maybe I didn't know that. I'm sure I could probably point to a lot who had.

Probably most. Probably most. Probably most. Yeah. It seems gross to me. I mean I feel like I knew the people who were commercial auditioners and I considered them the dreck of society. You're talking about like a Brian Husky? Yeah, yeah.

The people that auditioned for commercials. You know, I feel like I just like all the L.A. actors. Or the dregs of society. What about our buddy, for example, you can say that though. Look it up. No, don't. I was wrong.

I'm just going to say I was wrong. Like, for example, the other day, maybe six months ago, I was watching television and there was a commercial break where I saw two commercials starring our friend amy kidd of clifford and kidd sure yeah um she's certainly the dregs of society i would say absolutely um yeah and and and just a couple of things came to light uh one that's not true a lot of talented comedy people audition for commercials and make a good living and do good jobs in them um you know too i i started doing a lot of stuff in my regular job that was like um you know like branded content why i had to hold

up a product and say look at this it's good to buy and i say well that would be great that would be even better if i got ten thousand dollars for that um and yeah and it kind of just seems to be the new comedy economy is that you know there is less comedy writing and performing jobs on TV. And, you know, I feel like a lot of comedy people I know are doing – People are moving into branded entertainment. You know, yeah. I feel like a lot of comedy people I know just kind of around the scene just do a lot of, like, webisodes for, you know – Speaking of which, Paul F. Tompkins joining us

via Cisco telepresence. Oh, yeah. Cisco telepresence. Wait, am I doing that right now? Brought to you by Axe Body Spray. Actually, they want us to say fueled by Axe Body Spray. Oh, sure.

Fueled by Axe Body Spray. Fueled by Axe Body Spray. Yes. Courtesy of the Flip Cam. In association. The most courteous camera there is. Mm, courtesy of the Flip Cam. In association... The most courteous camera there is, the Flip Cam. Kentucky Fried Chicken, Roasted Chicken. Jimmy Carter.

Yeah, so, you know, I'm like, just... What if Jimmy Carter had his own brand of peanuts? That was his new thing. I don't know why he doesn't. I feel like he really missed the boat. He's missing an opportunity, right? He could have his own brand of peanuts. That was his new thing. I don't know why he doesn't. I feel like he really missed the boat. He's missing an opportunity, right? He could have his own brand of peanuts and his own brand of alien experiences.

It makes me think that he didn't really care about peanuts after all. Do you really think that might be true? Well, he seemed to be in such a hurry to stop being a peanut farmer and get into government. Oh, that's a good point. It's not like after he stopped being the president,

he went back to peanut farming. Are you suggesting to me that Jimmy Carter's real passion wasn't so much peanuts as it was endangering our boys in uniform overseas in hostage crises? Yeah, I feel like he used peanuts as a stepping stone to further his yellow ribbon business. Well, we should actually look back and see what kinds of peanut-related legislation he signed while he was in office. I mean, you don't have to directly farm peanuts to support them.

You can subsidize grants for peanut farmers. You could find a way to make meatloaf out of peanuts. Oh, if only. Peanut awareness. That's why I voted for George Washington Carver for president. It's too bad he was dead. Yeah. Because I bet he would have been a great peanut-based legislator.

Well, the thing is, when you're in government, you're always talking about interest groups. Yeah. And just like if you want to become elected governor of California, you have to deal with the prison guards union. If you want to become elected governor of California, you have to deal with the prison guards union. If you want to become president of the United States, you have to satisfy the peanut gallery, as

they're called. It's true. But then you end up in the pocket of Big Peanut. Oh, man. I hope he's like Mr. Peanut. I hope he's dressed like that. Big Peanut. Well, he's even better because he's got pockets so you you had where mr peanut puts his phone you had this possibly misguided uh you had this possibly misguided animus towards the idea of doing commercials yes uh so yeah which

is let me say this yes to let you off the hook a little bit it's understandable because most commercials are awful sure and it's like you don't want to participate in there's there's like a few commercials uh every so often that are genuinely entertaining and how great would they usually have amy sedaris in them i've never seen her in a commercial yeah she's got there yeah she's got a sony oh you got and you gotta watch you gotta watch these ones she did for microsoft. I just ran right out and bought a Microsoft Office. She was in a kitchen. She was using Microsoft Office to keep track of her baking business, and her assistants in her baking business were all bunnies.

It was really great. I look forward to it. It was just a delight. Museum of Television. But, yeah, so I understand the stigma. I've auditioned for commercials in the past, and I have stopped doing it, not for any artistic considerations, because I think work is work, and I think commercials are fine to do if you can't afford to do whatever you please all the time. Sure. Now that you can afford to do whatever you please all the time.

Yes. afford to do whatever you please all the time. Yes. Now that I have more options, I don't do commercials because the audition process is terrible. That's what I was going to say. They treat you like garbage. The thing that

led me to never aspire to act, despite my acting education, was that I just can't bear that shit. I just can't bear it. Do you mean the audition process in general or commercial specifically? Well, I've only auditioned for one commercial, and I got it, but it was miserable to audition for it.

And I was like, you know what? Was this in San Francisco? This was in San Francisco. I was like, I'm going to quit while I'm ahead. Yeah. Well, there's no pretense of art or entertainment at all. They really, it's when commerce completely takes over and so even the people who are

the casting people, they don't grant you any sort of illusion at all that you are an actor. It's really like, you, stand over there, you go over there. Hands up, who's auditioning for this? Get in that room. It's like you're herded

around. It's awful. It's really awful. I've been insulted so many times on those auditions that I finally realized it's not worth it. Because I've been approached like, hey, the director wants you to come in for this. And there's something about that that's like, oh, somebody requested me specifically. Okay, there's a certain amount of respect here. This person is aware of me and everything. Especially if it's somebody esteemed like a Fritz Kuhlman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Precisely. Or a Johnny Mountain, if you prefer the CBS weathercast. Oh, has he started competing commercials for the weather? Yeah, I mean, you know, I participated in what we call the Goofy Weather Commercial Arms Race. Yeah. We, by the way.

When you say we called it. Me and the other members of the Goofy Weather Commercial community. Sure. These other pit-filled, vinegar-sodden people. There's an open call every year down at the community theater. I guess you've never been invited to the call? I guess I've got to start reading Backstage West Well, after you dropped out of that production of Our Town

he was blackballed Can I interject? Was it mercury poisoning, Paul? No, it was really politics because I wanted the show to be called My Town Oh Paul had gold poisoning, you know from eating too much gold

Just handfuls of gold Can I interject one thing? This is on the subject of Los Angeles. I'll allow it. This is on, like, your Johnny Mountains and stuff like that. Sure. I had not watched any live television in, like, several years because I steal my television programs from the internet and watch them.

Yeah, it's fantastic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But recently, I've taken to watching NBC's popular Thursday night lineup live because I can't bear to wait another 24 hours to see 30 Rock. Basically, 30 Rock. The rest of the shows are good, but 30 Rock is the one that I want to cry with happiness when it comes on. And so sometimes my wife and I will sit down to watch television and we'll turn. You got your big bowl of popcorn.

We'll turn. Exactly. They pop the popcorn. They pour it into a bowl and take it over by the TV. We have an air popper. Absolutely. We like to watch from 8 to 10, all four programs. I enjoy all those shows.

Absolutely. And sometimes we'll start at 7.45. Now, just by happenstance, because that's when dinner was ready or whatever it is. And the show that's on NBC here in Los Angeles at 7.45 is, I think it's Extra? It might be Access Hollywood.

I'm not sure which one of those is which. It's not Entertainment Tonight. Right. That is the one that's very identifiable because of Mary Hart. Okay. Who persists in being on that show. There's no Mary Hart. There's these two skinny, scary ladies.

Yes. Are they shrill? Oh, they couldn't be more shrill. I think that's Access Hollywood. Okay, Access Hollywood. So there's a couple of weird things. Is anyone from the band Sugar Ray involved? No, there's no Sugar Ray guy.

I don't think he's doing that anymore. It's a former Saved by the Bell star. No, no Saved by the Bell. That is Extra. I do know that one is Extra. Okay, that is Extra. So this must be Access Hollywood. Must be.

Process of elimination. Yeah. Deductive reasoning. So a couple of amazing things about this 15 minutes of television that i watch just regular television i watch every week number one i don't know if this is exclusive to this entertainment news program but they edit they offer an editorial at the end of every story the hosts offer an editorial at the end of every story. The hosts offer an editorial at the end of every story. And it could not be more idiotic. Like, it's not just...

Like, they have these strong opinions that are being presented in a professional manner because they're good enough to have one of the top six jobs in their industry. That's right. And they're so strong and so contentless that it just freaks me out. Like, it flips me out. What's an example?

I don't know if I can picture this yet. They'll be like, what's a big story in entertainment news right now? Tiger Woods' mistress car crash. One of them will say, well, I think that there are some things that are more important than playing golf. But it'll be that, but it'll somehow stretch to three sentences, which is a really awkward length,

because it means somebody told them to banter, and they're supposed to have a perspective on everything, but since they have no perspectives on anything, because they haven't thought about anything in their lives, it's horribly difficult. Because they live in a crazy fantasy world. Exactly. So this is the context for this. But then, in between this program and the Thursday night programs on NBC, there's a promo for the NBC local news. And what's amazing to me is somehow, by some magical process that I can't even begin to understand,

the city of Los Angeles' local news programs have managed to make themselves seem more dumb than Access Hollywood. These are news programs ostensibly it's a like my mind like this incredible like this incredible old man comes on my television in hd and and just says something like it just says something like dogs and raccoons, mortal enemies, find out at 11. Wait, are they? I don't know. I don't know. That is a bad example. I couldn't make it through Leno.

I tried to make it through Leno. I would have left my bowl of popcorn on the floor if I were them. We're up shit creek if that's true. How are humans going to survive this coming war? It's really amazing that they've managed to turn this thing. Their top story will be on the news.

I want to be clear again. The news will be about, say, Usher. The top story on the news will be like, Usher in Los Angeles? Will he fight dogs? Find out at 11. Again, I want to hear about that story.

I know you're trying to make it sound vapid, but these sound important. They just go in and they say, do Jews drink the blood of babies? Find out at 11. Jesse, these are the worst examples. I know. I'm Lightning McQueen. Lightning the Queen? McQueen. I'm Lightning McQueen. Lightning the Queen? McQueen.

Oh, Lightning McQueen. I thought somebody was in the process of making the queen a lighter person. Yeah, Lightning. Either weight-wise or skin tone-wise. Uh-huh. Or just in terms of gravitas. Sure, yeah. Make her more fun.

Okay, Jordan. More approachable. Do you feel conflicted about Jordan? I like that you said like jordan was the one who went off on that yeah that was okay jordan sorry sorry enough of me talking about something i'm done with me uh yeah i mean this is yes uh paul you made a point about humiliation yes uh in the commercial audition if business. If I could just interject here, Jordan. What you don't understand, Paul, is that as the host of this program,

it's my job to keep things laser focused on the topic at hand. Of course. Which is why I went to Jordan, who was talking about the topic. Absolutely. So I'm going to go back to Jordan. The topic at hand is what Jesse is thinking of and wants to say. Out loud. You know.

I think that the key aspect of keeping people on target is the phrase, if I may interject something. I think that is how people will start on track. If I may stop you in your tracks. Paul, excuse me. I am not a heathen. No, of course not. I am not a heathen. Of course not.

I may not be the Queen of England. You're lighter than her. She could use some lightning. She's certainly good. Yes, I went in for a commercial. Jordan's thoughts on the Queen of England, I can only presume. It was

for dockers. The conceit of this commercial was that a bunch of guys from different walks of life were walking around with no pants on singing a song about not wearing pants this is the only explanation i got uh and we walked in that's enough to go on and they you see that you know you're going in on that one and so there's a little kind of like kind of like a bar room chant that you have to do about not wearing pants. Anyway, so I got in there, and the guy's like, all right, guys, pull down your pants.

Oh, come on. Not even a, if you're comfortable, was nowhere on the audition, just, all right, guys, pull down your pants. Is that so they can see that you're not hiding the fact that you have been burned over the whole lower third of your body. Oh, I was in a hideous house fire when I was 18. Can you maybe imagine what I would look like in boxer shorts? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Casting people? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

First find out if you like the people, then ask them, by the way, are you hideously disfigured below the waist? Right. Because there's a lot of leg in this commercial. You don't have a demon penis, do you? I'll tell you, I'm not so sure if... This sounds good in theory, but I will tell you from my experience in my one commercial

in which I went, auditioned for it... Yeah, the one you won't shut up about? Really lording it over everybody. Geez, Al Bundy, we know you won the Polk High trophy. They called me and offered me the commercial, and it was then, after they had offered it to me, that they mentioned that there would be nudity involved. Nudity?

Yeah, nudity. So I can see where it might be more reasonable to ask them to drop trow at the audition. What was this a commercial for? Gay pornography. Does that really need advertising? I feel like you're either on board or you're not. Yeah.

You know, the commercials sell a lifestyle. It's not necessarily about the product. It's just like... Like Axe Body Spray. Mm-hmm. Squirt. And another thing that I just can't stand about commercials... It's awful about commercial auditioning.

Paul is upset. Badly upset. I don't like that word. Yeah. In your experience, have you seen people dressing like the thing they're coming into play? Oh, of course. Of course I have. I fucking want to kill myself.

Well, yeah. I mean, what are you going to do? I just dress like the thing yeah jordan jordan showed up in a blazer with a patch on it that he'd made himself that said rushmore academy so to play i can't remember which commercial this was yeah what are we talking about again i don't know what body spray dockers oh yeah i don't know. Anyway, that's, yeah. And yes, and of course, it's just the kookiest LA. And I, you know, being a type, being a, you know, goofy stoner, enthusiastic guy at a party, these are all parts that I audition for. Yeah, I'm just with the worst set of level one groundlings people that, you know you could ever meet anyway it's sad

i don't know if i want to do it i'd like ten thousand dollars that's it that's my last that's my final thought about commercial it would be great to get ten thousand dollars it's nice to pay your bills isn't it though yeah it's amazing the ten thousand dollars part of it is really amazing it's like magic yeah i magically get to stay living where I'm living. Like someone... I magically get to have lights on in my home. It's great. Someone invited me to audition for like a voiceover job, like for a national voiceover

campaign. Yeah. And I found out the people who made the campaign had selected me, and I was eventually unselected by the client. Yes, which there's always that. Right. But I was impressed. I was stunned when I found out that if this had happened, $10,000 for six radio commercials. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For three hours of work. Yes, absolutely. It's great. But that is the – you forget about that part of it. My fiancée, she does a lot of commercials. Congratulations on being a fiancée. Thank you very much. And so that's – I always forget about that, that there's then the hurdle of the client at the end of it all.

And these are people that they're so panicky about what they're doing that they're making choices out of fear pretty much like, no, not to that person. For who knows why. Wi-Fi, social networking. What? What? Exactly. What are you talking about? Yeah.

So, you know, you never know because their whims are so unpredictable. I was going to do this voiceover. I got replaced by a Mobisode. There you go. So, Paul, it's a running joke that Jesse likes to shoehorn in. We're not appropriate. No, it's fine. We say Mobisode.

Jordan, you said it before. You said two, and I said the most ridiculous. No, no, you're right. You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. You're just trying to show off for Paul F. Tompkins. No, you're right.

You want to see my penis? It's really working. Yeah, I know. You don't have a penis. Jordan. Yeah, right. What do you do? You said you've recently kicked commercial auditioning to the curb.

Was that for any particular reason, or was there just one final humiliation? Yeah, there was one – both, yeah. It was – the reason was there was one final humiliation. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it was a situation where – Do they want you to do anal, Paul? No, I'm happy to do that. I don't know why.

That's never a deal breaker. Right. Just ask me. Right. It was a situation where – So don't just slide it that. I don't know why. That's never a deal breaker. Right. Just ask me. Right. It was a situation where... So don't just slide it in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You would be asked first.

Look, be up front with me. Yeah. Don't play games. Yeah, the director requested me, and it was part of... Because he was probably a fan of yours, what with you being one of the funniest guys around. Presumably, yes. Being aware of me, I don't think that it was for just my

acting reel. I think like it was a funny commercial. Because you have a very specific tone. Speaking of specific tones, nobody is trying to decide whether they should cast Artie Lang or Paul F. Tompkins. It could go either way.

For a national campaign. What do we want to say here? Well, either this guy or that F. Tompkins. Could go either way. Yeah. Yeah. For a national campaign. What do we want to say here? Well, either this guy or that guy. So I would be the sort of face of this campaign. You know, that's what they were looking for, was somebody to be this recurring character. On the billboards. Yeah, whatever it was.

It's a series of commercials, TV spots. So you would essentially be the voice of the Arby's roast beef sandwich. Yes, it was not the Arby's roast beef sandwich. It wasn't? No, it was not. I don't know why you immediately leapt to that conclusion. Isn't that what commercials are for? Some.

Specifically the Arby's roast beef sandwich commercials? Q-E-D. It has been proven. Specifically the Arby's roast beef sandwich commercials? Q.E.D. But are you saying... It has been proven. Are you under the impression that all commercials are somehow also advertising the Arby's roast beef sandwich, no matter what they are ostensibly for? Paul, if they're not advertising the Arby's roast beef sandwich, then why do they always make me think about Arby's roast beef sandwiches?

I don't know if we'll ever have the answer to that question. Like, you know that commercial, for example, where Ashton Kutcher is going around taking pictures of women at a restaurant? Yes. That's for Arby's roast beef sandwiches, right? Because you're supposed to think restaurant, Arby's roast beef sandwiches.

I guess you're right. Okay. This was for the Orbitz Travel Service. Okay, sure. Which these spots are running right now. These are where they have a woman in tennis clothes. Is that right?

No, that's the gum. Oh, that's the gum. That's the chewing gum. Are the gum and the Travel Service affiliated? Wait, is Orbitz the one? No, one is with a Z. Is Orbitz the one where they have a lawn gnome in different places? No, I forget what that is.

Maybe that's another one of those. It's maybe a Travelocity. That's Travelocity. Okay. Yes, yes, yes, yes. This is not that. Okay. So the director requests me.

I go in, and it's one of those, okay, who's reading for this? Go over there and all that. Well, no, it's one of those ones where they point at you. They say, you, you, you, and you. You're reading this part. Go stand over there. You, you, and you. You're reading the other part.

You go stand over there. And I was put in the wrong group, and I raised my hand very politely. You were with a bunch of African-American women. My sassiness got me in that group. Yeah, you're considerable sassiness got me yeah right you're considerable sass uh i there was there was a uh very big role and a very small role and i was put in the very small role camp and i said excuse me i was told i was reading for the very big role and this woman said well i'm telling you now that you're reading for the very small role everybody laughs wow so i Wow. You're getting slammed by

a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's like, there's a certain group of people that do a lot of commercials. They're very used to this, and so these commercial veterans were like, ah, this guy doesn't know the score, you know.

I didn't know what profiles were the other day. They were like, let's get your profiles, and I asked what that was. Where you't know what profiles were the other day. Let's get your profiles, and I asked what that was. Oh, you turned to the side? Yeah, yeah. And got scoffed at. I like how they asked for profiles plural in case your left side was like, oh! Right, yeah. That looks like a monster! Right side, ugh!

Right side, human. Left side, creature. Yeah. Spike face. It's fair to assume with Jordan, though, because he does wear that half mask that covers the right half of his face. You didn't wear that to the audition, did you? Uh, yeah, yeah. Oh, Jordan. It turns out it's just a novelty mask.

Right, back to me. So, you know, it's embarrassing to be laughed at in front of, you know, by a large group of people. Particularly when you're a man who, I'm not trying to toot your horn, but you've had your own television show with your name in the show. Listen, I'll toot my own. Okay. This is before that happened.

Okay. This is before those days. But now it's like, yeah, there's no way that I would do that. So I say, all right, I'm going to go ahead and audition for this other part. I make one more effort to say, like, privately, like, I really was told, you know, the director wanted me to read this part.

It's like, well, that's not what we have here. I was like, okay, so I'll read the smaller part, which consists of one word. Yeah. So I do the one word, and I do it as best as I can. And so I'm on my way out, and then the other casting director said, by the way, we did check, and this is the part you were supposed to read for so we didn't make a mistake and I said okay so I call my

we wanted to make you feel like shit on your way out yeah yeah no no no we're not dumb you are just to make that clear like I don't know where you got the highfalutin idea that you were better than you are, but you're not. You're just as good as we think you are. So I call my manager

and I say... It's our job to decide who is and isn't good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no way we could have made a mistake. So I call my manager and say, this is what happened. My manager says, oh, that's not good. I will, you know, call and blah, blah, blah. So then I'm asked to come back in and read for the original role.

So I am sitting there and I'm going over the sides. That's the lines, the dialogue. Is that like profiles? It's a cousin to profiles. It's like a jar of pith. Like sides, you know, the profile is the side. Sure. So I see out of my peripheral vision these two casting

directors who had humiliated me the day before i see them uh see me i see them talk to each other you know a whispered conversation and i see them walk away neither one of them comes over to me and says hey sorry about that mix up that's all it takes yeah it's just hey you know we're sorry we were given bad information whatever but like i wanted to say hey over there remember when you laughed at me yesterday and then re-laughed at me on my way yeah you made a point to say that you were right and i was wrong do you remember when that happened yesterday so uh i so then i'm waiting around and waiting around and waiting around and uh yeah a lot of yeah there's a lot of there's a lot of coming yeah because it's because it's advertising they bring in a million people to audition for these

things so it's a good chunk out of your day you So I'm waiting around, and I'm just about to leave. I'm just about to say, this is not – it's not worth it. And they say, hey, Paul, you're next. And then they do that thing where they give crucial information that they should have given you when you first got there. I can't remember what it was. Maybe it should be on the form. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then –

And then some light tumbling. They're like, what? They're like, you're a horseback rider correct yeah something yeah exactly like it informs well it informs how you're going to perform the the spot you know um so and because this is a this is a character you know uh they say you you have a latin voice correct exactly oh this guy um just so you know He's an English aristocrat Yeah exactly So the guy

Gives me this information And then he's leading me into the room And then he says Oh yeah I should probably tell everybody else that And then he walks out of the room Now I have been ushered into the room Where the director, the clients All these people are.

This guy, who is supposed to be the guy who introduces me to everybody, is now gone. Now, these people, they're not going to introduce themselves to me because that is beneath them. Sure. Oh, I've tried to shake people's hands before when I've gotten there. No, don't do that.

Yeah, yeah. So I said hi, and nobody even acknowledged that I was in the room. And I'm wearing the house lab coat, which we all must wear for this thing. So it's like, oh, these motherfuckers. So I'm standing there. And so then the other guy comes back in. The house lab coat and propeller beanie.

Well, at least there was some dignity. have lab coat and propeller beanie. Yeah. Well, at least there was some dignity. They had lost the propeller beanie. They just imagined it. Sure. Sure. So I go through it. They did ask you to stick your hair up in the middle.

Of course they did. So I just, I just kind of went through it. I didn't even really try. I was just, I was just so pissed and I just broken down at that. Yeah. I mean, like I, I, I honestly, I gave it a shot, but I was, I was just seething i just broken down at that yeah i mean like i i honestly i gave it a shot but i was i was just seething with rage that after all this and like so somewhere in this in this group is the director who requested me even he has not made himself known he's not said thanks

for coming in sorry about the mix-up yesterday there's none of that yeah and they and then after it was done they didn't really talk to me and And I'm like, fuck this. Never again. Never again. If they want to just give me a commercial to do, absolutely. Absolutely. But I'm not going to go through this process again. I just can't, you know. I can only imagine, frankly.

But I don't blame anybody who does. My fiancee does it. I admire that she can. Congratulations, by the way, on being a fiancé. Thank you again. But she said, yeah, that's what it's like. And I was like, I don't know how you fucking do it. Like, you are made of sterner stuff than I am because that really hurt my feelings, that whole thing.

I really can't imagine. Okay, well, we've got to take some calls and whatnot, so we'll be back in just a second on Jordan. Jesse. Were you just stretching? Was that what that was? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Because you. Jesse. Are you, were you just stretching? Was that what that was? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Because you went.

No, no, that was just. Oh, I was going to tell the punchline to my act body stray story. There isn't one. I'm going in to do it. I don't like the idea of it. Do you like how this is just Jordan Jesse sad? The many humiliations of the hosts of Jordan Jesse go. Do we all want to go around and say something we're thankful for?

I'm thankful that while Paul's story went on and on and on, I had a nice dog on my lap to pet. Yeah. I'm thankful. Horse dick. Yeah. It's pretty big. You know what?

Yeah. I'm thankful that while you were insulting me and talking about how great it is to have that dog in your lap, that dog looked not into it at all. Oh, yeah. That dog really looked like it wished it was someplace else. It made the jack-off motion with its paw, didn't it? Yeah, it did.

Yeah, I'm into this. It did. It did. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Paul F. Tompkins, the gentleman comedian.

I like that. That's good. That's really solid. You actually were thinking about it. Yeah. I thought about it immediately after we talked about it, then I just stored it up in my brain. That's so great.

That is so great. I have to admit that I am the one who left his ringer on. I did panic that it was me for a second. You know what I think I might have done? I think I might have had it off and then turned it on. The old switcheroo.

I do remember doing it when we sat down. You remember touching that button and moving it. But anyway, here's what I'm trying to get at, you guys. I'm trying to get at, on Jordan, Jesse, go, we invite people to call in and share their stories and experiences with us, get a little bit of guidance from us in some cases, and I think we should take this opportunity to see what people have to say.

It's a capital idea. Absolutely. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. cases. And I think we should take this opportunity to see what people have to say. It's a capital idea. Absolutely. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Dave from Berkeley. I have some bad news. I was coming across the bay on the BART, coming to the West Oakland stop, and I saw Ira Glass territory tagged on a building wall. I'm afraid he's expanding. Oh, God damnmit, glass. That is some really funny graffiti, I have to say.

Ira Glass territory. Only in Berkeley, right, guys? I take it as an insult, though. Like, somebody's trying to insult that territory by saying, like, this is like Ira Glass territory. Like, somebody doesn't like it. It's just, if there's one thing, I'll tell you this. If there's one thing that the graph community hates,

it's people who say, um, when they're broadcasting. What about baby-voiced women? Do they have a problem with that? There are people who really, really get upset about people saying, we're doing broadcasting. I know this because I can't imagine the – and, you know, we've talked about it. We hold Ira Glass in the highest esteem, of course. Absolutely. Absolute top of the pops.

Sure. The man likes Soul Calibur. We know that. I get runoff hate mail from Ira Glass. I get hate mail sometimes that says something like, for example, why do you speak so haltingly on your show? You are practically as bad as Ira Glass.

Who I hate for these reasons. And you're like, just because I'm under 60, that's the qualification for being – Do they ever give examples of who is good? By the way, the other phone is ringing. This is just a cavalcade of embarrassment for me. Sure. Is there no voicemail on that phone?

There's no voicemail. It's just going to keep ringing. Is it some sort of hotline? It is. It's a hotline. Do you need to fight a fire? Somebody heard we were... Is it the commissioner?

Will the commissioner be angry? An old fuddy-duddy who listens to public radio heard we brought up Ira Glass, and they wanted to call in and let us know that at first they weren't so sure about this show with all these young people just talking about their experiences, because they didn't think they would be able to relate. But then they learned about the universality of human emotion and the medium of storytelling.

I'm glad they finally got to that at such an advanced age before it was too late. Oh, universality of human experience. But they don't understand why... I'm almost dead. But they don't understand why... I'm almost dead. But they don't understand why Mr. Glass has to say um so much. But I want to know who do they hold up as the standard

of, like, this is a great person. This person never says um. You know? I don't know who that is. Let's be honest. When was the last time you heard Ophabia Quist-Arcton say um? Is that from Harry Potter? I don't know.

I didn't read those books. I'm sorry. But I also would say, let me say this too. As somebody who receives from various social networking sites the thoughts of people I have never met and will never meet, the I didn't like this at first, but now I do story is most unwelcome. I don't need to know that. I don't need to know that at first you hated me, but then somehow I wore you down and you

came around. Somebody, last year at Max Fun Con, our annual convocation of things that are awesome in Lake Arrowhead, California. Somebody went up to... Is that written behind me on a bulletin board? It is, yes. If you could say it a few times, that'd be great, too. It would be awesome. At the top of the hour?

On the sevens? That's for traffic. Our pal Maria Bamford, of course, one of the funniest, if not the funniest comedian in America. Absolutely she is. Yes, indeed. One of my all-time favorites.

I like her better than you. Sorry. Sorry. I'm also a guy. I wanted to win at that. Sorry. I was out of line, and I apologize. Apologies accepted.

Let's put this behind us. Someone went up to Maria and said, and I didn't hear this from Maria. I heard this from Jimmy Pardo, who's been obsessing about it ever since. Someone went up to Maria and said, you know, the first time I saw you, I didn't get your humor, but tonight I thought you were really amazing. And it's true. It's like you can, because when you hear that, you can understand intellectually that this person has nothing but the best of intentions yeah they and you can also understand i think that how someone could not get something at first but then get it yeah that actually is also a normal thing yes and so for those two reasons you could

see why someone especially you know depending on where they were on the autism spectrum, would say that. Would say that and sincerely intend it as a sincere compliment and there be no logical inconsistencies in that. However, there's no way to say that without it being upsetting for the person who hears that.

Also, if somebody maybe looks a little bit like Jack Osborne, don't go around telling him that. Well, that's, you know, Tom Sharpling, the host of The Best Show on WFMU. Sure. This is a conversation that we have had. The Jersey Kid. Yes, that's right.

We've had this conversation many times. Kid Jersey. I'm sorry. I messed it up. I don't want to get any Jesse Was Wrong emails. I actually wanted the Jesse Was Wrong emails. That's why I did not correct you. I wanted to see if people correct you.

That you should never, ever, ever tell people who they look like never ever never ever keep it to yourself you know there's because you might think well this isn't an insult to say um that's not for you to decide what is an insult and what is not but you also might think well it's true doesn't mean you have to say it? Does it mean you ever have to say it? Some thoughts are private, and you can keep it to yourself. That's a really good point. How about you enjoy that on your own?

Do you feel like that's a good take-home for this week's program? I do. Some thoughts are private. I do indeed. Some thoughts are private. Some thoughts you have about other people are private. I have a You Look Like Jack Osborne story that happened this week. Yeah, sure.

You're a lot better looking than Jack Osborne, by the way, Jordan. Some people don't say that, though. Some people don't add that. That's an important part to add. I always like the qualified, like, you look like a better looking version of him. A better looking of this famously ugly

person. I have ugly person. Yeah. So I'm only kind of ugly. I have ugly qualities. You're ugly enough that you remind me of this guy. Yeah. You're kind of like a slightly more handsome Steve Buscemi. Sure. For my regular job is on fuel.

Hold on one second. I'm sorry. Yes. I feel like that was an insult to Steve Buscemi. I'm sorry. He gets dragged into this. He an insult to Steve Buscemi. Like, he gets dragged into this. He didn't do anything. Buscemi's great. Buscemi's one of the best.

What's not to love? I was like, prank. A director as well as an actor. Yeah. My job on Fuel TV, I have to interview a lot of, you know, like, surf dudes, skateboard dudes. I was interviewing a particular surf dude. We had a very nice sit down. Had some tea.

Had some tea. Sure. Surf tea? Yeah, yeah. Well, hang ten tea. Hang tea? Yes. You know, 20 minutes I spent with this guy.

That's probably plenty, right? That is, yeah. I don't know a ton of surfers but i bet that's about sure well i mean you know you want to wet the audience's whistle and then absolutely after about 20 minutes that's when you start getting concerned that he's going to bring out his guitar right yeah or bong guitar or bong yeah one of the two a combo um so 20 minutes with this guy yeah yeah and so, yeah. Thank you, Paul, for hosting the program. I dropped the ball, I have to admit.

I just assume we all take turns. Yeah, yeah, exactly. A fair assumption, frankly, given the performance I've turned in today. Go ahead, Jordan. Nicely done. Back on track. Please, Jordan, continue. so nicely done back on track please jordan continue oh um have i ever told you guys about the commercial yes a lot many times um so you know we spent out we're just kind of hanging

around until the next guy gets there and he's's like, hey, you know, you look like Jack Osborne. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I get that a lot. And he's like, have you ever used it? And I'm like, what do you mean, used it? And then he makes the penis and vagina motion with his hand. He's like, you know, used it? I'm like, oh, no. I'm like, I'm not sure there's a lot of women out there just dying to sleep with Jack Osborne.

I'm like, truthfully, I'll probably have more luck just trying to get laid as Jordan Morris. He's like, Jordan Morris? Who the fuck is that? That's me. That's me. We just talked for a while. That's fine. This is Zach in Sacramento. I was calling because I drive school buses

for a living. Not much for a living. So I'm walking up and down the aisles, and I crumpled up a piece of paper, and it's a paper that somebody had written about the Crusades. And then they went on to list examples of holy wars that had happened. And number one, for example, people had problems against Jews, and that was in Europe around the 14th and 15th century. They solved it with killing them, comma, not the best idea with not underlying it.

And I just thought that was awesome. Thank you. Have a great show. It's good to know that this kid's heart's in the right place. Yes. I didn't know where that was headed for a while. That was a rollercoaster ride. Yeah, it was.

It was. It started out, who's this nut? Well, that guy, first of all, he drives school buses, plural. But then why did he apologize for his job? Not the best job. I think it's a fine job. Oh, it's great. What's the matter?

Nice government wage. You're helping kids kids have to get to school sure but what but what really the real sort of the real flip the real turn is when is when in this paper because of the frankly poor grammatical construction yes i don't mean to speak out of school, but when the person who wrote this, the child who wrote this, writes, they solved it by killing them. Yes.

That's the concern, because they are essentially suggesting that the Spanish Inquisition was a solution to something. A solution. Yeah. Not the final solution. The final solution came later.

Although they had a lot in common, didn't they? That solution and the final solution did. Yeah. The idea of presenting that some people had a problem with the Jews. Here's how they solved it. They killed them. And then I like the understatement of the century. Not the best idea.

Not. Underline. They underline not. Not. Just so people didn't accidentally skim over it. Although I will say this about that paper. I don't like the editorializing. That's true.

That's a good point. You have to let your facts speak for themselves. Save it for Access Hollywood. These people, it's clear that leave it to the Access Hollywood gang. Yeah. Those harpies always have something to say. By the way, is that the show where sometimes you see the director of the show talking to them? Do they show that?

I think that's TMZ you're thinking of. No, no, no. I saw one that was one of those produced half hours. It's not like Harvey in the bullpen talking to the gang. All right, gang, what do we got? But it's like because it was two women, and they're hosting the show. And for some reason, they were sitting down on the set. Not in chairs, but like on the floor.

It's kind of the idea. It's like a little step. The cameras, we just turned them on. Yeah. We let them roll, and this is what happened. How is that good? like a little step. This is the cameras. We just turned them on. Yeah. We let them roll. And this is what happened. How is that good? I don't understand.

I don't know. Because you're talking about not much entertainment value, production value to begin with. It's just two people standing around. Sure. Then it's like, ah, don't even stand. Just sit on the floor. And then we'll show the director at some point. Although I will say this.

Make a couple of phone calls while you're supposed to be hosting. Why are we seeing behind behind-the-scenes of what is sensibly a behind-the-scenes show? I will say this on behalf of that. It is that this morning on, I guess it would have been weekend edition, on National Public Radio, my wife was listening to it

and ran into the bathroom where I was brushing my teeth to tell me about something exciting she had heard, which was a gentleman, an old English guy, had written a book about Winston Churchill, the great Winston Churchill. And he had, in his youth, as a teenager, a young teenager, seen Winston Churchill in the lobby of a hotel on his way somewhere and thought, this is my chance to speak with Winston Churchill. Went up to him, proffered his hand, said, it's a pleasure to meet you,

Mr. Churchill. What is the secret of your success? And Winston Churchill, without hesitation, said, the conservation of energy. Do not stand when you can sit. Do not sit when you can lie down. So they're just, they know the secret of success. They had the opportunity to sit. But now it's determining.

They should not have had that opportunity. Just imagine if these people were in charge of our wars in the Persian Gulf. How far we would be getting. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, go. I was just in a convenience store fairly late at night in a bad section of town, and the cashier and the security guard were having an argument over the Sherlock Holmes movie and whether Robert Downey Jr. was the correct choice for Sherlock Holmes. The security guard maintained that he was a bad choice

and that a better choice might be Jason Statham. And the reasoning that he gave was, he said, Robert Downey Jr. was only given the role because he did a good job in that Iron Man movie. And Sherlock Holmes is a thinker. He's not a fighter. So that's why Jason Statham would have been a better choice yeah we need a more heady you need a more internal known for his his interior

his rich inner life that he conveys through his eyes now this I would wager this was a 7-Eleven convenience store. Because of their tie-in promotion. I bet there's all across America in 7-Elevens. There's a tie-in promotion between Sherlock Holmes and 7-Eleven. There's a natural marriage there, of course. Yes, yes, yes.

There was an ad for, they have posters for various products, 7-Eleven products, and then Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law. And then some sentence that ties into – let me – I'm going to see if I can find one. Somebody emailed me one. Like solve your hunger mystery or detect refreshment. Gentlemen, I beg you to talk amongst yourselves as I attempt to find this email. So, but wait, the magical, there's something magical about the inner life of Mr. Jason Statham. Sure. I don't think anyone would deny that. Now, whether it's because he's such a great detector.

Of faces to kick. I do like that, Jason. There's something about that guy. Me too. i yeah i'm glad you got on this bus because i'm i mean i'm i'm all about if statham's involved i'll see it i don't know if i would do you think i would like to watch jason statham movies the only one i think i saw was i think i saw the bank job was that what it was called the bank job is the closest thing to a real movie he's done okay because it wasn't that great but i did i did think like i absolutely understand why people like jason statham so much sure

yeah and great and i think his other movie that people should see is death race it's a remake of a kind of a campy roger corman movie you're recommending this movie death race death race is yeah death race is tons of fun. Weren't you also a big fan of a television show called Death Race? No. I don't know. They had the guy from Firefly in it?

Yeah, I can't... I usually like to check in with the cast of Firefly and their new projects. None of them have... Isn't that where you met the captain from Firefly on the set of The Death Race? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nathan Fillion?

Yes. There you go. That guy's great, too. It was called Drive. Drive, okay. You know, and I tried to watch an episode and didn't like it, and then it was kind of subsequently taken off the air pretty quickly. I've heard that Nathan Fillion's television program has gone from being a...

Castle. television program has gone from being a... Castle. Castle. Has gone from being a straight cop show to being a serial comic cop show, and it now uses Nathan Fillion's strengths much better. Good. Yeah. I mean, he's great at the will-they-won't-they sexual tension.

Yeah, he's great at being a charmer. Sure. He's a rapscallion charmer type. And made for television, I think. Paul, we've been talking amongst ourselves for a long, long time. Let's find these funny 7-Eleven Sherlock Holmes puns. It doesn't look like... I mean, it wasn't a pun, but it was...

Oh, shoot. I'm really sorry. No, no, no. But it was an ad for the... You've ruined the show. If anyone out there didn't like this week's program, just know that the reason is it's Mr. Paul F. Tompkins. Because he doesn't have funny 7-Eleven ads on hand. I mean, was the show going that great that that ruined it?

Okay, I've got to be honest with you. You've brought us down to your C- level. It was a, oh, you said it again. I didn't think you'd go back for that. Pith and vinegar. I know. Good luck on that Ax, you said it again. I didn't think you'd go back for that. pith and vinegar. I know. Good luck on that Axe Body Spray commercial. Oh,

hold on just a second. We're having a recording trouble here. Anyway, it's for taquitos. I, I did notice, I did notice there being, but I remembered it was for taquitos.

Did you search for taquitos in your inbox? I did not, because they were an image. Oh. I did, I did notice the Sherlock Holmes ta image. Oh. I did notice the Sherlock Holmes taquitos tie

and I'm like, that's the most insulting product you could put by that. I don't know why but it just seems like taquitos are especially insulting to couple with Sherlock Holmes.

They're just an insulting food. Yeah, right? To any thinking person, be it Sherlock Holmes or Jason Statham. Is it Statham? Statham. That's irritating to say. Statham? Is it Statham? Statham. That's irritating to say.

Statham? I like it. Feels good to me. Statham I liked better. Statham? Yeah. Statham. Stately.

Paul F. Tompkins, I, look. Look. Cards on the table time. Cards on the table. Number one, you're obviously a success on the stand-up comedy stage. You're obviously a success in the stand-up comedy stage you're obviously a success in the world of sketch comedy between your work on uh mr show and your work of course on the ill-fated american adaptation of the fast show was that what it was that you worked what was the ill-fated american adaptation of something that you worked on the sketch show

the sketch show okay sorry my short form english uh sketch comedy series were We're confused. Of course, you're obviously a success as a television personality, having had your own television program with your name in the title. But unfortunately, you've ruined our program today. Is it unfortunate or was it inevitable that I would come here as an agent of chaos to destroy this show from within.

Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Jordan. Yes, Jesse. Oh, it's great to have you here. Thank you. It's good to be here. We have a sponsor on this week's program. I'm glad we do. And I should explain that this is going to be in the middle of the show,

but Paul F. Tompkins isn't here anymore. No. That's just what we call a mind freak. Yeah, exactly. We're showing the brush strokes a little bit this week, huh? Yeah, we are showing the brush strokes. Well, you know, here's the thing. I upgraded to Windows 7. I shouldn't talk about this, because fucking a thousand people are going to send me

some bullshit email about switching to Macs. Yeah, Windows 7 isn't that good. Well, it's great for everyone else besides me. Everyone I talk to about it is like, man, isn't it great? It's so stable, and it's constantly crashing. It's like a constant... It's one of those things

where there's this one little thing that's wrong, and it just means that it crashes for 15 seconds every 15 minutes, which makes it, of course, unusable for recording. Sure. But anyway, sorry, Jordan. That's not what we're here to talk about. We're here to talk about Jacob Howler,

our sponsor on this week's program. Really a good strategy when you're advertising a product is to find another product to tear down before that. You know what the Mac OS of singer-songwriters is? What? Jacob Howler. Jacob Howler. Jacob Howler. Jacob was kind enough to sponsor our show a few weeks ago.

He was so delighted by the response that he has sponsored our program one more time. You may remember how I talked about how proud I was of his success, given that he was bald, and I am sure will be bald. Sure, you too, yeah. And I feel like a very strong kinship with other bald and balding people. And I think it's great. I think this is tremendous.

He's a singer-songwriter. He's a handsome man with a handsome beard. He's got a great guitar and a brand-new record album. You can learn about his music and download it and listen to it at music.jwgh.org. JWGH being his initials, I can presume. Or if you just type in Jacob Haller into the Google, you'll get it. H-A-L-L-E-R.

Exactly. His brand new CD is called Mistaken Identity. And it's got a really cool picture of him doing some detective work on it. Go to it and pick it up. Did you see that he's doing detective work on it? I noticed that. Isn't that cool? Detectives are cool.

Yeah, he's definitely shirtless. He's shirtless and detecting. He's shirtless, but he's got a skin condition like that one that Michael Jackson had. What's that called? Oh, yeah. Vitiligo? Vitiligo?

Yeah. Vitiligo? Jackson's disease. He's got Jackson's disease. He's got a touch of the old Jackson's disease. Okay, well. So, yeah, buy a CD before he dies of Jackson's disease. Yeah, if you want to sponsor Jordan Jesse, go.

Here's how it works. For a personal message, non-business related, $100. For a business related message, $150. That's our offer to you, the Jordan Jesse Go listener. Sure. Take us up on it. Take us up on it. People do and they're happy every time.

You want to wish somebody happy birthday, Merry Christmas. You want to wish somebody happy Hanukkah. You want to wish somebody happy Groundhog Day, happy Valentine's Day. You want to wish somebody a joyful Tet. If you want to wish somebody happy hanukkah uh you want to wish somebody happy groundhog day happy valentine's day you want to wish somebody uh tet a joyful tet if you want to wish somebody a tet offensive yeah if you want to offend someone on tet uh we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I just want to say this to anybody out there who's a doubter. One of the best in the business, Paul F. Tompkins. One of the funniest. What are you, a Maria Bamford fan?

He's kind. Got to introduce the idea that people doubt that I'm good. Jimmy Pardo has a new obsession. As good as it gets, Mr. Paul F. Tompkins. He's got a new compact disc called Freak Wharf. Oh, I like the direction of this conversation. Freak Wharf, correct? Yes, Freak Wharf. You know what I'm going to do?

At the end of the program, we'll play a clip from Freak Wharf so people know what to get each other for Christmas. Yes, that's a great idea. If they want to have a happy life. Yeah, I mean, like, yeah. That's a choice. Caring about your life and having a good time. That's a choice. It's like homosexuality in that sense.

Exactly. You're not born with a copy of my CD. It's a choice you make. I learned that from happiness therapist Yakov Shmirnov. He's an expert on happiness. He's got a Ph.D., possibly an honorary Ph.D. in happiness. What is this nonsense? You didn't know this about Yakov Shmirnov?

I haven't kept up. Okay, so you know that Yakov Shmirnov... Here's the last I heard. Okay. And take it from here. Okay. He's in Branson, Missouri. He's got his own theater, and he does shows there all the goddamn day. Twice a day. Did you know about the Jesus paintings? No, I sure didn't. He makes Jesus paintings, and sometimes Jesus is doing things like playing sports.

Sorry. Okay. Was that going to be part of your thing, Jesse? No, no. I'm glad that you added that. Well, great. I'm glad we're all piecing this together. I forget, I mean, I think, not like something weird like curling or something like that,

but like baseball. Like both American and European footballs? Ooh, good question. Football? Would it be football? Yes. What is the plural of footballs? Football- good question. It just so happens... I can't comment. Would it be footsball? Yes. What is the plural of footballs? Footens.

Footenspaulens. It just so happens... Footsball. If you're talking about the sport. Yeah. If you're talking about the object, then of course it's footballs. It just so happens that my neurologist was late for an appointment about two months ago. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. And I found myself reading a Reader's Digest that featured an article by Yakov Smirnoff about his new secondary career. I thought you were usually a humor in uniform man. Certainly, certainly. But you probably already read this one. And it discussed the fact that he is now a licensed therapist whose work focuses on happiness. And he believes that if you force yourself to be happy, this is my understanding. If you force yourself. Do most other therapists focus on punctuality? Yeah.

Isn't that the goal of all therapy? Hey, I'll tell you, my neurologist could have used a punctuality therapist. Burn, neurology burn. Okay, from time to time on the program, we ask our listeners to call in when something momentous happens to them. It's a segment that we call Momentous Occasions. Let's go to the telephone machine. Hi, Dern, just to go. This is Tristan in San Jose.

I have a momentous occasion. First of all, I'm riding hands-free on my bike right now. That's a long. I painted into a mural at my work. My boss got a mural painted, and the employees slowly realized that as it was being painted, they were being featured in the mural, including my boss, who has an angel descending from heaven

bringing cake and flowers to all the people. Never been painted to do a mural before, so you guys might want to know. Thank you. Now, certainly... Now, hold on a second. Yeah, okay. I think that's all...

Do you have a few points of clarification? I think that's all fine if this guy works in heaven. He might. If he doesn't, I might have a few issues guy works in heaven. He might. If he doesn't, I might have a few issues with all of this. He did say San Jose, but maybe he commutes. Right. He could commute.

Maybe above San Jose, that part of heaven. Technically speaking, San Jose is heaven on earth. I think we all are in agreement. I mean, you've got the tech museum. Sure. You've got- The San Jose Sharks. The San Jose Sharks.

The San Jose Sharks. There's an Amtrak station. Do you think San Jose might be... And I'm from the Bay Area and have a very pro-Bay Area stance on most issues, and I want to make that... Sure, as does everyone from the Bay Area. Right. So, but do you think that San Jose might be the saddest major city in America? Because there are other cities, I mean, there are other cities that may technically be sadder,

like fading cities, like maybe Detroit, because their industry is leaving and they have a very high unemployment rate, is literally sad. Yes, people are actually experiencing sadness. But in the sense that there are over a million people living in San Jose right now, and they're living the exact same lifestyle in this city of a million people, that they would be living in, say, Santa Clara, in Tarzana, in, like, this is a city that has no distinguishing characteristics at all.

I remember they, when we were really into boba, they had boba. They did. It's relatively, but, you know, we could have gone to Walnut Creek for boba. No, sure. If boba was all we were looking for. What is boba? Bubble tea. Oh, I forgot about bubble tea.

Right. But it's not like it came from San Jose. No, no, no. Just when we were going to college, that was one of the closest places to get boba. It's a truly amazing city. And I don't mean to speak ill of any of its residents. Except for all those things you just said. to speak ill of any of its residents. Except for all those things you just said.

No, I'm speaking of the city, not the residents. I will speak ill of the city, certainly. The residents, I'm sure, are actually probably pretty nice. They're probably nice people who just work in the tech industry nearby or something like that. I'm sure there's lots of nice people who live in San Jose. Google's there. But is Google in? Google's not in San Jose, though.

It's in some place that's like San Jose. Oh, it's like in Mountain View. Mountain View. I think my last trip to San Jose, I guess I had to do something at this metal festival that I guess was in Mountain View. That was at Google. And I guess I stayed. It was at Google.

Metal festival. At Google. Okay, we're going back to the phones here. Okay. Hey, Jordan, and I guess I stayed. It was at Google. At Google. Okay, we're going back to the phones here. Okay. Hey, Jordan, Jessica. Wait a minute. Hold on a second. I'm sorry.

Perhaps this is unprecedented. We never talked about how super fucked up it was that this guy was having this mural painted without anybody's consent. I guess we glossed over that. Yes, these people gradually realized, hey, that's me in that painting. You know, and I'm also wondering this. I need some more information on this, too. If this guy could call back, that'd be great. Oh, I don't. I don't.

I am satisfied. This is wrong. Fair enough. This is my perspective on this issue. I come from a neighborhood, the Mission in San Francisco, that's known for its murals and its mural work. Many of these murals are of members of the community. That's a popular subject for a public mural. It's not, you know, there are also many Aztec-themed murals, certainly, probably even more than there are members of the community murals.

But you're looking at 15 to 20% are, here's a variety of people from our community on the big wall at Horace Mann Middle School. And I have always wondered, what do I got to do to get into one of those murals? Right. Because here's the thing. A lot of the people aren't the absolute, it's not all George Washington Carver. Right. A lot of the people are like, you know, Victoria Velasquez, nurse. Right?

So she's just a nurse. And not saying, I'm not impugning nurses. I'm just saying she's not like. You're sort of raising up talk show hosts. I'm saying she's not president of the United States. That's what I'm saying. She's not, she doesn't have some level of accomplishment That I could never achieve

I don't think you're going down a very good road here This will not end well What I'm saying is She's not top She's not top 1% I know that I'll never have top 1% level achievement You see what I'm saying? What does she do? Just assist in saving lives?

Right But there are lots of nurses And there's some reason that they chose this nurse percent level achievement you see what i'm saying just assistance saving lives right but but but there are lots of nurses and there's some reason that they chose this nurse but there's also there's like shopkeeper you know local businessman sure sure another what i'm saying is that the i know the qualification isn't these are the absolute most accomplished people in our community in which case in order to get into this i would know what I have to do is become one of the most accomplished people in my community. Well, I think you would also need a job where you come in contact with people in a certain way, which is what a shopkeeper, a nurse have in common. That's true. Their jobs involve interacting with

the rest of the community. Would you say they're kind of the glue that holds the community together? Probably. I probably would say that. What if I started doing my show in one of those studios, like the Today Show, or, you know, where there's like a big window so you can look in from outside? I bet it wouldn't hurt. You should get a t-shirt gun. You could also interview

a nurse or a shopkeeper. Jordan, hold on. Paul, I'm sorry. I don't mean to cut you off here, but Jordan just had a fucking intense brainstorm. I heard. I think I wanted to just gloss over it to make myself seem better, but I got to admit that's a top-notch idea. Jordan, say that one more time. Let's get a t-shirt gun.

Start randomly firing t-shirts at the community. Jordan, do you have experience with t-shirt guns, or are you just talking out of your ass? I mean, I know what they are. I haven't operated one. I don't know where to get balled-up T-shirts wholesale. Have you seen the effect that a T-shirt... I worked around them. Have you seen the effect that a T-shirt being distributed to a crowd of people has?

Makes shit get intense. First of all, I will say they're not balled up. They are rolled into a tube. A balled-up T-shirt shot from a gun will kill someone. I'm sorry. Clearly you have a little bit more t-shirt gun experience than I do. I can't talk about this. Jordan, that's how you got your

secondary nickname, the t-shirt murderer, if I'm not mistaken. I wanted to be the t-shirt manslaughterer because I just didn't know. But in the eyes of the court, you were a murderer. Can't fight City Hall. Hey, Jordan, Jessica, it's Alex from Indiana.

And kind of momentous occasion, the first big Indiana snowstorm of the season. And I just saw a man in Carhartt overalls riding a recumbent bike in the middle of what I'm guessing will be officially called a blizzard. So just a new thing to file under frightening people wearing Carhartts. Talk to you later. Did we have other things to file under that, Jordan? I was about to ask you that very same question. I don't think I know what a Carhartt is. I don't either.

Yeah. Boy, I really assume this is a regular feature of the show. Sure. Hey, guys, another Carhartt overall sighting. You're not going to believe this one. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. I ring a little bell whenever we get one. We've reached 1,000.

Carhartt is a brand of work clothing. You guys wouldn't know that because you've never done a day of real work in your life. Soft hands. The worst thing that's ever happened to you is someone treated you rudely in a commercial audition. Pretty bad, though. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Stanton in

San Francisco. That's it for that guy. That's the asshole. I was on the street minding my own business when two dudes rolled up in an SUV and asked, Hey, dude, want some speakers for your house did you say speakers or spears spears spears spears spears spears spears can we hear that

again uh yeah let's make sure it's spears okay i'm pretty sure he said let's go to the tape i will say this before we listen to it again okay it better be spears if it's not hi jordan jesse go uh i'm samson in san francisco i'm not sure if this is a momentous occasion or not but i was on the street minding my own business when two dudes rolled up in an suv and asked hey dude want some speakers for your house i think it's spears for your house? I think it's spears. It's really hard because it's like... One makes sense and one doesn't. I mean, why do you need speakers in a house? Right. Do you think it's because this guy calls himself Samson,

he dresses like the biblical figure Samson? Maybe he's a sandal loincloth. I bet this guy would like some spears. And when he says he was minding his own business in his house, that means that he was polishing his shield. Probably. Yeah. Probably.

And pretending to throw something. Yeah, he was miming a spear chuck, if you will. Sure. Or a javelin toss. Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. toss yeah sure one of the great one of the great moments i think in uh professional baseball history was at one point the atlanta braves decided shorten he's rolling well that's why hey paul that's why you're one of the best. I don't know if you've ever heard this. Best in the business.

The Atlanta Braves at one point granted a tryout to a guy from South Africa who was a world champion javelin tosser on the grounds that he might be good at pitching baseballs. I think that this kind of thing, I think that that is what makes sports magical. I think football legend Herschel Walker being a bobsled pusher. Yeah. Like, if these things don't happen, then why would we even have sports? Yeah, I agree.

That is what makes it worth, what makes life worth living, if I can summarize. I wish I had an answer to that question. Yeah. Hello, Jordan and Jesse. This is Chris from Iowa. Tonight, my toddler son put sunglasses on a cat. He's only two years old, and he could already write a treatment for a live-action Disney comedy. Technically, you couldn't write the treatment because he's illiterate.

I'm presuming he's illiterate. Yeah. But he has created a premise for a live-action Disney comedy, which is, what if cats wore sunglasses? Radical Cat. No.

That's the title of the movie. That's the jumping-off point for the story, what if cats wore sunglasses? I guess cats would not suffer UV problems with their eyes. That's where it all begins, and it all spins out from there.

But you're assuming that because the cat's wearing sunglasses, he's got a toad. Yeah, that's the thing. You're discounting... Well, is this cat looking over his sunglasses? Yeah, he's shade-tipping. You're discounting the significance of sassitude when you're making a Disney comedy.

Can I say, I didn't like that guy's call. Really? Yeah. You're against it? It's just like, here's my little snarky comment. He didn't have a fun story to tell. He didn't have... He thought he was a little self-congratulatory.

Yeah, he didn't use the phrase momentous occasion, which a couple callers used. Right. Which I don't know if that's a thing on the show. That's the name of the segment. We do it every time. Just about. Fair enough. So, are you saying you want to fight this guy? That's what I'm hearing.

I guess I am. I guess maybe I'm just interpreting that. I think I was hiding that from myself, but I do want to fight this guy. Like if you had a spear, you'd really, you'd just chuck it at him. Here's who I want to fight. I want to fight in order. Okay. Him.

Wait, it's from top to bottom? From top to bottom. Top to bottom. Wait, is this the chronological order of the fight? Yes. Or who you would most like to fight? Chronological order. And both. It's both top to bottom? From top to bottom. Top to bottom. Wait, is this the chronological order of the fight? Yes. Or who you would most like to fight? Chronological order. And both.

It's both. Okay. Because you want to use most of your energy for the main fight. Your strategy is that you think that the people, because you'll be propelled by the passion that you have for fighting the most, you should put them first. Yeah. But won't you get tired and not have enough passion for the people you're fighting last? I don't know.

I'll know on the day. Okay. Okay. You'll take a break to jack off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm hoping. Right.

Where that came from. No. I will, no, I really don't. Here's in order. I want to fight that guy. Jordan. It came from Jordan.

I said it. Somebody new has added to the lineup. I want to fight that guy. Okay. I want to fight that toddler. Right. I want to fight that toddler. Right. I want to fight that cat.

Yeah. I might want to fight Jordan for that jerking off comment because it's unpleasant. Yeah. It was a little unpleasant. I mean, I know you don't like to work blue. Yeah. I try not to. Well, you guys have already got me to say a few words that I don't normally say in a public forum.

Sure. We'll be back. Behind closed doors. Look out. It's a conversation. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Although you guys have already got me to say a few words that I don't normally say in a public forum. Sure. Behind closed doors, look out. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Paul F. Tompkins is checking his emails. I'm going to be real with you, America.

That's not true. What are you doing? I'm looking at Twitter. Tompkins is checking his emails. I'm going to be real with you, America. That's not true. What are you doing? I'm looking at Twitter. Oh, man.

Well, it has just been an absolute delight to have you here on this week's program, Paul F. Tompkins. I had a delightful time. Thank you for having me. Hey, Paul, I'm going to say this. Dream come true. It has always been Jordan's dream for you to be on Jordan Jesse Go. I'm glad that that email was finally sent then. Yeah.

I know it's been tough. To be fair, for a while you lived in New York City. That is true. You did live in New York City for a while. And the phone had yet to be invented. That's also true. It was a pleasure to have you here. So I just learned English recently.

Congratulations. So yeah, it had been my dream, but I wasn't able to communicate that to you. He's doing phonetically for a while, right? Jordan, I have another congratulations for you. I noticed that your sketch comedy group, Marvin Barry, is going to be performing at SF Sketch Fest in San Francisco in January. Yes, no, sure, yes. That's, yeah, we're funny.

Yeah. You should come see us. I think you're funny, too. I've seen your sketch group perform and thought you were very funny. Yeah. You should come see us. I think you're funny too. I've seen your sketch group perform and thought you were very funny. Yeah, thanks. And I didn't recognize, I did recognize some of the other groups

we're performing with. I can't think of them off the top of my head right now, but killer lineup, I'm going to say. Yeah, amazing. Conan O'Brien is going to be there for fuck's sake. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, he's not performing with us. He's not?

No. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. One day. He's not one day he will he never will if he works hard he never will let's just all agree right now yeah that will never happen i mean let's not get i think he could do it i i you guys don't think he could do it but i think he could do it no i think he could do it i think he has the talent i think he has what it takes do you think conan's like, I want, you know, he's like this Tonight Show thing's going great. I mean, I'm, you know, one of the most famous

guys in comedy. What I want to do is like perform with some kind of, you know, lower mid-level sketch comedy groups who perform for 80 people. That's kind of what he's after. Anyway, lots of great people at SFSketchFest. SFSketchFest.com are pals at SFSketchFest. A pleasure to be here with Paul F. Tompkins.

What are you on the Twitter? That seems like where you're most active right now is on Twitter, besides your stand-up comedy performances. It's true. It's so easy. It's so easy to be very active on Twitter. Too easy? I am at P.F. Tompkins.

Probably too easy. P.F. Tompkins. And let's be clear, don't fuck around and spell Tompkins with an H. There's no H in there. Please, I beg of you. For God's sake. Why would you say that? For P.F. Tompkins. Probably too easy. P.F. Tompkins. And let's be clear. Don't fuck around and spell Tompkins with an H. There's no H in there. Please, I beg of you. For God's sake. Why would you say that? For God's sake.

It's always, the thing that's always, because my name is frequently misspelled. Right. And what's so funny to me is I don't see that misspelling except in regards to me. It's not like I encounter that name all the time and like, oh, well, sure, the accepted spelling of it. My name is the deviation. The accepted spelling is H-O. It's not like you're Chris with a K. Sometimes people

will spell Jesse, J-E-S-S-I-E, and I can understand that because that's how you spell Jesse from Saved by the Bell. And maybe sometimes Thorn with an E at the end. Yeah. But, yeah, my name is not super common, and I don't know why people just automatically assume they know how to spell it or of course that has an h in there and what kills me is i did a lineup uh for uh john oliver's uh stand-up show that's going to

be airing in in on the comedy central network yeah on the comedy central network and on the website advertising for that show for for the tapings my last name was misspelled, and the rest of the people were Mary Lynn Rice Cub, Janine Garofalo, Harry Gondobolu, like the craziest names you can imagine, all spelled correctly. Or Fabia Quist-Arkton.

Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of Light in the Attic Records. It's on Kites Are Fun, the best of the free design. And hey, we'll close things with, what do you think, pie versus cake? I'm going to say pie versus cake.

Ladies and gentlemen, there has been a debate raging in our society for many, many years. People are on one side or they're on the other. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground We've never been able to solve this problem Until tonight

Because I figured out the solution Yes, some people are clapping Because they are excited about solutions They don't even know what I'm about to say. Like, I'm just glad about somebody coming up with a solution for the problem I'm not aware of yet. Here's what it is, folks.

Here's the divide. Some people like cake more than pie. Some people like pie more than cake. Some people like pie more than cake. We've never been able to agree which one is best until this

historic night! Yeah! You're going to be part of history. Because I have figured it out. Now I need your help very briefly. First, I need you to stop yelling out cake or pie. It's still a comedy show, and it's still a monologue. By a round of applause,

how many people like cake more than pie? It's a fair amount of people. God bless you all for voting. And I wish I had little stickers for everybody. But I am overly unprepared for this turnout. Still using the applause as vote system. How many people like pie more than cake? Oh, you pie people.

You make me laugh. Cake will always be superior to pie. Yes. I'm sorry. For one very simple reason. Frosting! Y'all forgot about frosting frosting trumps all have you taken leave of your senses you're gonna put whipped cream up against frosting don't make me laugh whipped cream Jerry well Let me put this to bed once and for all. Whipped cream.

Here's how good frosting is. When you are eating it out of the can, you feel shame. Must be it's pretty good. Must be it's too good. You're not supposed to eat it like that. What does pie got going for it? Pie filling.

Even the name filling makes it seem like it's not that important to the pie. There's no contest. There's no contest There's no contest I want you to think back To those food drives When you were a kid Picture that cardboard box In the corner of the classroom

Did you ever see a can of frosting in there? Let me save you the trouble No you did not I bet you saw more than one can of pie filling in there though That's how little we think of pie Get this out of the house Give it to the poor Maybe they have time to make a lattice crust all day

I have a job I'm going to call in sick from work. Make some Dutch apple pie. If you are eating pie filling out of a can, there has been a disaster. Things are not good. Things are not good.

You are in an underground bunker and you are running out of food. Oh, I'm so hungry. What do we got left? Pie filling? I thought we planned this better. All right, here's what's going to happen. First I'm going to eat that pie filling.

Then I'm going to eat you. The only way pie will ever be victorious over cake is if man, is if science figures out how to frost a pie. Why has this not been done? You're telling me in the history of dudes getting high.

No dude ever turned to his friend and said, I have news for you. Drugs finally paid off. We're going to put frosting on that pie. This is the experience I've been waiting to have. Look, I've been smoking weed for 40 years. Been hoping for some kind of insight. All I can say is better late than never.

Oh, wait, hold on a second. That's not frosting, it's paint. No, we're going to do it. Pie versus cake from Paul F. Tompkins' brilliant and hilarious brand new comedy CD called Freak Wharf, which you can get at astrecords.com.