Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 120: Cardigans

Episode Date: December 20, 2009

Guest Greg Behrendt joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about cardigans, high school football and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

It's cardigan talk. Plus, am I a child molester? Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. You sound a little like, maybe a little phlegmy. Are you phlegmy at all today, Jordan? Could be. I ate a whole pack of Starburst and then drank a gallon of milk.

Okay, so I could see. That's probably what that is. I could see where that would come in. Jordan, we're on sort of a, in show business they call this a run. We're very hot right now. Yeah. We've got the hot hand, is what we would call it, if we were going to the bullpen for our best reliever. We've had a stretch of the best in the business on Jordan, Jesse, go.

A couple weeks ago, we had Marc Maron on the show. Sure. You remember that? We did. That was a lot of fun, right? Okay, but what about this? What about... I would say he's graying elegantly.

Oh, very elegantly. Marc Maron's on his way to being a silver fox. Oh, you bet that guy is. Oh, man, that guy's killing him. Killing him in St. Louis. Okay, last week we had Mr. Paul F. Tompkins on the show. Sure. Also looking very good.

Looking very well. Paul F. Tompkins really looks very well right now. Wouldn't you say? Yeah. I went and enjoyed the Paul F. Tompkins show last night. It was a blast. It was a blast and a half. The great Paul F. Tompkins on the show last week.

Sure. Now, here's what you're saying to yourself right now. If you're at home or if you're Jordan and you're not looking to your left or hadn't greeted our guest yet, how could we? Or have an incredibly short, short-term memory because of all the mushrooms you did in college. Yeah, exactly. So the thing that you're thinking to yourself right now is, how could we keep up that level of quality? There's only a few people in the business, frankly,

that we could use to match that. I mean, Judy Tanuta, we were talking about earlier. You may know him from his... Robert Bork. That's another example. Most of the people that could match that are either Supreme Court justices or have been a candidate to be a Supreme Court justice. Certainly if we brought in Ruth Bader Ginsburg, that would match.

Hey, maybe even former Surgeon General C. Everett. You may know him from his own syndicated television program. You may know him from his television program on the Soap Network. You may know him from his television program on the Soap Network. You may know him from the Oprah television program. I'm giving all the least credible of his highly visible credits here. You may know him as a stalwart of the alternative comedy scene. Over many, many years, a nationally headlining comedian who's done all of the major television programs. The author of, he's just not that NTU co-author I should say

and it's follow up to the name of which I don't remember right now one of the absolute funniest guys around Greg Barrett with us oh that's so nice because at the end of that I thought you were going to introduce Candice Bergen how can we keep this going they're doing Candice Bergen

that doesn't sound like her credits at all. And then she just comes in and shoves you out of the chair. Excuse me. I'm going to be totally honest with you, Greg. If Candice Bergen walks in here right now, you're out. Bergen's in. Bergen's got to take the seat. I'm interested.

I want to hear what she's got to say. We want to know. She's had a life. For one thing, her father's Edgar Bergen, the legendary ventriloquist. Of the radio. Yeah. Right the legendary ventriloquist. Of the radio. Yeah. Right? Radio ventriloquism.

The master of the radio puppet. Is it? Whose voice is it? I don't know. It's on radio. It seems like it's a puppet. Probably that puppet's voice. He could have given it any voice in the world, and yet he made it sound like a ventriloquist.

I was surprised. I saw a clip from Jeff Dunham's television program. And as I'm sure you guys can imagine, Jeff Dunham is one of my absolute favorite comics in America. But I was impressed to see that Jeff Dunham was ventriloquisting in the sketches on his program. So the conceit that this is a live onstage performance is gone. Right. However, he retains the idea that he should be doing this, like, story is truth, with his

Adam's apple going up and down. Let me ask you this. Because he's doing sketches on his show with his puppet, do they play, then, different characters? Like, for instance, is it that meta? Where Peanut then also now plays a, I don't know, say, an Irish barkeep?

And Jeff plays, I don't know, an Indian, say. A lazy Mexican. A lazy Mexican is what you're looking for. That sounds so good. I really want to see it. Actually, in the sketch that I saw, I believe it was just Jeff Dunham yelling at his jalapeno puppet for taking a siesta under a big hat. Wow. That's not true.

That's a lie. He had that experience earlier in his yard. I just thought, you know what? This is like real life. Yeah. You know, I don't want to defame the man, but I heard a funny story about him, and I think I'm going to tell it. I think you should. Oh, please.

Only tell it if it's defamatory. Sure, yeah. Oh, no. I have a friend that I think shares his management and from what I understand that the first episode of The Jeff Dunham Show, very highly rated, and then the second episode, significant drop.

Fell off a cliff, yeah. Yeah, significant drop in ratings. And I guess my friend was waiting to see the manager on the day that they broke that news to Jeff Dunham. And they saw him coming out of the office and just exclaimed loudly, like, God, this is the worst day ever. I think I'm going to kill myself, which led me to think to, like, Jeff Dunham, don't you realize you have a ventriloquism television show? Like the fact that that even – the fact that that even is happening is amazing. Right, and that your manager says things like on a daily basis like, yeah, the puppet is going to need a suite. I'm sorry.

The puppet will need a suite. There will be a – yeah, you will need a suite for the puppet's going to need a suite. Yeah. The puppet will need a suite. Yeah. There will be a... A puppet suite. You will need a suite for the puppet. And puppet drugs. So three first class tickets is what we're talking about. Yes. Yes. He collects and restores... The jalapeno rides in the plane or it doesn't go to Australia.

So I don't know how you guys are working it. He collects and restores famous ventriloquist dolls. This is a true fact that I read in the New York Times. The New York Times has two classes of articles in its feature arts section. One is, here's a story about how fancy a fancy thing is.

And the other one is... Here's something that's not usually made of gold, but they found a way. The other one is basically, you won't believe what they're enjoying in the provinces. And they made one of those about Jeff Dunham.

Jeff Dunham really came off like a nice guy, especially considering how racist his act is. And he really seemed seemed he really like it really he really reminded you of just like uh like an uncle who got married like your uncle who's married but doesn't have any kids and is really into his hobbies and is kind of a sweet guy um only he also can fill an arena in like durham he can well and because the New York times will, because they refer to you as Mr. Dunham.

Right. So it's always like, that's what it is. Mr. Dunham enjoys, you know, you see, Oh,

he's Mr. Dunham. Yeah. He must enjoy, he restores puppets, but he also drives a Hummer. Yeah. Over you.

And with his puppets and his hatred of all things different than he. Do you think he, do you think he claims a right to the carpool lane when he's driving his Hummer? You know he does, and he does have a Hummer. I've seen it outside the Comedy Magic Club. It's beautiful. It's one of the ones that's got a big silver thing

on the front for killing. No, this is good. Not killing people, just killing your spirit. You're talking about like a cow catcher? Yeah, like on the front of a locomotive? Hummers have like an enormous grill. You know what I think? I don't know how to take in a Hummer when I see it.

I actually can't – I can't draw it for you. Right. The process is too much for me. My estate won't allow it into my head. Right. I would think that if you wanted to build a cow catcher that captured people's hopes and dreams, you might build it out of a sort of chrome dream catcher. Two chrome dream catchers that meet at a point. I bet Jeff Dunham's not into Indian bullshit, though. He's not gonna.

Keep them on the reservation, he'll say, but with a puppet that's adorable. He'd like wumpum. Fire water, maybe. Fire water good. He does think they're very admirable, maybe. Firewater, good. He does think they're very admirable, though. Let's be clear. He admires the Indians. They use every part of the buffalo, is something he might say. Trail of tears he'd throw into a shirt. You would just say that, right?

Just say it. The great Greg Barrett here, Jordan Morris. I'm Jesse Thornton. We'll be back in just a second with more of Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you,. Pleasure to have Greg Barron here. A joy. Thank you. It's a joy to be here. Jordan, I have one concern. Just going into the rest of it, for the balance of this program, it seems like, I'm just

looking around the room, it seems like you're not wearing a cardigan at all. I tweeted about it. I put it out yesterday that the cardigans would be worn on this particular broadcast. Well, that's on me. That's my bad.

Okay. As long as you take responsibility. I'm sorry. And if you'd like me to leave. All I ask is that you accept responsibility for your mistakes, Jordan. Absolutely. No, Jordan's not yet an adult. And now you have to make amends.

Yeah. Yeah. When Jordan decides he's going to be an adult and get himself a cardigan, he'll grow up. But in such time, we'll see him in t-shirts. You know, Jordan, it's funny. And this beanie with a propeller on it. It's funny. You know, it's too bad you're not wearing a cardigan.

I actually, I got you a, Greg, there's a Christmas present right there on the table. It's not for you. My apologies. Oh, that's all right. You can pass it over to Jordan here. What? There you go. I got you this Christmas present here.

Are we going to open it on air? Yeah. Of course we're going to open it on air. Jordan's. Oh my gosh. Okay. Let me just, This is a very nicely wrapped present. I did a pretty good job. I'm not going to act like I didn't do a great

job wrapping that present. Black and white paper, kind of a matching silver ribbon with a snowflake attached to it. Oh yeah, absolutely. It's a snowflake card. It says to Jordan from Jesse. Oh, I didn't know that. That's me. I can confirm that. It does indeed say that. And you know what? Correct spelling all the way around. Yeah.

Even on from, which can get tricky. Yeah. Greg, I'm a good rapper because I used to work at Borders Books and Music. Oh, you did? Long story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, I did a lot of rapping. I got pretty good. It's evident. I mean, it really is. Yeah.

I was impressed. A lot of angles. I expected Jordan to be wearing his cardigan today, which is how, which is why I got him this particular day. Oh, this is great. New pipe.

It's a new pipe. Oh, look at that. This is a tobacco pipe. It's, oh, very nice. I don't know what this wood is. I don't, I can't remember. I'll tell you about it some other time. I learned a little bit about pipes is. I can't remember. I'll tell you about it some other time.

I learned a little bit about pipes because I thought you might enjoy having a nice pipe. This is a very nice pipe. I know once in a while you enjoy a pipe. Do you Borkham Riff? How do you do it? How do you go with it? I don't know. What do you mean? Borkham Riff. That's a type of tobacco.

Borkham Riff. That's a pipe tobacco. That's a pipe tobacco, Jordan. God, one day he'll grow up. I wish I smoked a pipe because I think they are incredibly cool, and I don't like smoke. I'm not a smoker of any kind. No, you know, I bought one for a prop one time, and I'm like, oh, I should be actually smoking this

while I'm supposed to be smoking this. And, yeah, I found like I really enjoyed it. So I like, you know, maybe once a week while I'm supposed to be smoking this. And yeah, I found like I really enjoyed it. So I like, you know, maybe once a week while I'm, you know, just go outside, have a pipe. I realize it's kind of like an obnoxious affectation a little bit. But I genuinely

enjoy it. So I feel like I'm making it okay for myself. Well, Merry Christmas, my friend. Enjoy that pipe. Thank you very much. I am going to enjoy this pipe. That's a nice pipe. And a dog ran in! Just on cue, Coco ran in to say hi. That's great. Okay, so I have this concern, and this is also related to the issue of being an adult and so on. And also related to Coco.

So I walk Coco every day. It's my job to walk Coco. Like a big boy. Yeah, like a big boy would. You know, if I wanted the dog, I had to take care of it. And I do. So I walk Coco through the neighborhood. And when I was living in Koreatown, there's no time when my area of Koreatown was not full of Mexican babies. We're talking about babies

from tiny baby can't stand up to roughly four years old. At all times, on all streets. There's Mexican babies. And Coco really loves kids and is really sweet to them, which is good. And I try and encourage her to be nice to kids and like spend time with kids because I think at some point before Coco's gone, I'm going to have kids and I'm going to want her to get along with them. I want her to feel comfortable with little kids.

Not murderous of them. Exactly. Right. Or to see them as snack food or yes exactly um and so i when i walk coco i i introduce her to the little kids like little kids are always really excited to see coco and i say oh do you want to say hi like do you want to pet her or whatever and here in this neighborhood it's, there's a lot less kids. And the kids that there are are inside of houses. They're not out and about in the way that they were in Koreatown. And that's kind of, I honestly like, it's really fun to introduce my little doggy to a kid.

Like, it's just great because the kid loves the dog, the dog loves the kid. Like, the kid's kid, like, poked Coco in the eye, and she thinks it's delightful and wants to lick their fingers. So I'm walking the dog in this neighborhood the other day. So what you're saying is you like to walk around and meet kids with your dog.

Yeah, basically. Which is not, and that doesn't sound as crazy as it is. No, right. It's not crazy. It's perfectly reasonable, Craig. Don't get us sound as crazy as it is. No, right. It's not crazy. It's perfectly reasonable, Craig. Don't get us wrong. It's very creepy.

Yeah. It is, right? Yeah. In your cardigan. I'm walking around probably dressed more or less like this. I think that's fair. I'm dressed – right now I'm dressed because later this afternoon I have to go to my wife's office holiday party. Well, you look perfect.

I'm wearing holiday party garb. And I'm walking the dog, and there's a little kid out on the lawn of a house right around the corner from mine. And a little boy, maybe like I'd say four or five. And the kid yells out – I think he yelled out, is that a boy doggie or a girl doggie? And I said, she's a girl. Do you want to say hi to her? And he's like, oh, doggy, you know? And so I take her up to the gate. There's one of these gates that's at the corner of the fence.

And I sort of pick her up and sort of hold her where the little kid can pet her over the, you know, two, two and a half, three foot high fence. can pet her over the, you know, two, two and a half, three foot high fence. And just as I pick her up and the kid is holding her, this giant dude, just enormous guy steps out of the front door of this house, which is maybe 20 feet away. And as the guy steps out, the little kid looks around, sees him, who's obviously the little kid's father, and bolts for the dad. Just bolts for the dad. This kid who engaged me, actively engaged me, just runs for the dad. And the dad goes, hey, how's it going?

Like that. In that kind of what are you doing kind of way Yeah Oh, hi So, what are you doing in my neighborhood? Hey, how's it going? This is a tone that frankly people in my neighborhood Usually reserve for ethnic minorities

Yeah And that they presume Are trying to break into cars And And I say And that they presume are trying to break into cars. And I say, hey, he just wanted to meet my dog. Oh, bye. Yeah. And you said bye.

Did you sprint off? I think I may have limped off. I think I may have been physically injured by the force of this man. How old was the kid? Like I said, four, five. You feel like the kid was trying to set you up. You feel a little set up by the kid. That's the thing. It was a bit of a set up.

But also, there's a lot wrong. There's a lot of things happening in this story. As a parent of a four-year-old, as soon as you have a kid, a couple things happen. First off, if you own a dog, even if it's a dog that you love and you sleep with that dog immediately becomes get out of the way that is who that dog becomes the dog that you used to love and cherish once you have a baby could you please move why is he in here so that's a right b when you have like a four-year-old um everyone is a predator anyone everyone's a predator and you're taught to be on the lookout for handsome men in cardigans. You look so...

The way you're dressed right now... Faggoty guys is what you're saying. But you look so put together, it's suspect. Sure. With you and a dog, I'm like, that guy's up to something. What's his angle? No one looks this good around here. This guy looked like he walked out of a time machine.

Look, he's wearing brogues. He's got a dog. Something's up. And you've got a sack full of giant lollipops that you're handing out. But at the very end, I have to say, who's four-year-old's in a yard by himself? Let's talk about that parenting. So at the end – It's a safe neighborhood.

But still, even with a four-year-old in Los Angeles. But I'm going to be – Greg, here's my – I don't take issue with this man. This man is clearly... He's nervous about his kid. I can understand that. Mostly nervous. I think children are something to be cherished and protected. I think we can all agree on that point.

From their parents, yeah. Yeah. My issue... Let's go out... Let's not... Don't kill them. Right, exactly. Don't kill kids.

Not even if it's by poisoning or some other less violent manner of killing them. Right. My issue is with this kid who I think sort of betrayed me. Yeah. This kid really like – I don't know. I mean Jordan said he set me up. I can't honestly say that he set me up. You know, little kids have short attention spans.

They get excited by things they see. You know, he saw a doggie. He just wanted to take advantage of this opportunity to see and pet a doggie. I can understand that. That's normal. That's totally normal. But to turn tail and run, essentially, you know, this kid probably can't read and write, but if he could read and write, he might as well have just handed a

note to his dad that said, this man raped me. As the dad was yelling at you, did he do a thing where it looked like he was scratching his face, but he was giving you the finger? I just want to know when he took the time to write the note. Or did he do that thing maybe where he's like... He probably pre-makes them.

He pre-makes them, yeah. Because it's his little hobby. This guy, right. He's setting up the neighbors. He could have done one of those things where he kind of pulls up the waistband of his jacket or his sweater to show me that he's got a gun tucked into his pants.

Oh, that would have been great. You know what I mean? That's basically the tone that this guy's... And the guy could not have and the guy was could not have been more friendly and could not have been more aggressive yes at the same time that yeah that is the i think that is that's just the nature of being a dad because uh you're in your neighborhood so certainly you might this could be a neighbor but it might also so it's you know what am i here's my concern how's it going that'd be funny like what are you doing What are you doing? What's going on? How are you doing?

When I make a television, when I make a TV pilot based on this incident, Greg Barron's playing the dad. He just nailed it. I love that. Thank you. That'd be funny if he invited you in for coffee but maintained that tone. So, you married? Uh-huh.

I don't know. How do you like it? You want cream? Do you? Cream. Interesting. Okay. All right, sir.

And my concern is we're new to the neighborhood. I see you're admiring my Blu-ray player. Yeah. That's a nice sweater. Do they make them in men's? Stuff like that. Just slams. Yeah.

Here's my broader, deeper concern. We just moved to the neighborhood two months ago. And this guy, he's got a corner house. He's clearly a member of the Neighborhood Association. I mean, it's obvious. If not from that, then from the fact that outside of his house one time, there was a sign posted that said, there have been a string of car break-ins.

Please be on the lookout for suspicious persons, which means ethnic minorities. And, you know, it's clear that he's a scion of this community. Whereas I have a scion. That's all I have. Has this whole story been building to that joke? Oh, my goodness. Was that joke thought up earlier? That wasn't even really a joke.

That was just me pointing out. Sure. You bragging. Yeah, basically bragging. So my concern is that word is spreading through the neighborhood. If you see a man who's too young to be wearing a necktie, he's probably a child molester and possibly a car breaker into her. Or a Jehovah's Witness.

So he's one of those three things. Yeah. He could be part of the Brotherhood. Yeah, but you know, the Jehovah's Witness, they don't got the fit down like I do. No, they don't. And they're not going to go ahead and mix camel with black. Yeah. And then have a brown brogue.

That's a navy. That's a navy, Greg. What's navy? You don't have the light on. I don't have my glasses on. That's what... Oh, that's a Navy. That's a Navy, Greg. What's Navy? You don't have the light on. I don't have my glasses on. That's what... Oh, that is a Navy. Yeah.

Well, hello, Navy. Color me surprised. Hello, Navy. Hello, sailor. Yeah, so it's a dangerous situation. I don't know if you guys have any advice as to what I can do to ameliorate the possible problems that could grow out of this. can do to ameliorate the possible problems that could grow out of this. I'm worried that I'm going to go to the post office next week and there's going to be a picture of me on the wall wanted by the Neighborhood Association.

Could be. Be on the lookout for this guy. Yeah. What if ordinary behaviors that I undertake, like parking my car, for future dog walks, certainly, what if they meet suspicion from the community? like parking my car. For future dog walks, certainly. What if they meet suspicion from the community? Well, throw some sort of block party and just try and act as heterosexual

and non-child molesting as possible. Yeah, I think that's really the way to do it. Backwards baseball cap, maybe? Bring them into your yard and let them know how you do it. I'm concerned that my attempts to act heterosexual might come off as kind of a child molester's child-attracting techniques, like backwards baseball caps. Or if I was trying to act heterosexual, I would do something like, oh, don't heterosexuals love giant lollipops? Right. I would make a like, oh, don't heterosexuals love giant lollipops? Right. I would make a mistake.

Yeah. I would err is my concern. Yeah. So I don't know. Lederhosen would be a bad choice. Right. Or if you're going to play the hetero card. Right, exactly.

And I'm from San Francisco, so I don't know a lot of straight people, but I did go to Switzerland as a child. Sure. So I saw some traditional garb. I assume that's what straight men wear. Certainly many of the most, sort of the most masculine men I've experienced in growing up were wearing leather shorts and pants of various types. Yeah, sure.

Sure. Maybe just stroll around with Teresa and just give her a really obnoxious French every 10 feet. All the time, yeah. That's a pretty good solution. I like that solution. It's sort of like... Be real presentational about it. It's sort of like...

I see it kind of as in the way a New Age mystic would go around with some sage smoothing things or whatever that's called when a new age guy waves sage around. Yeah. It has a funny name like smoothing. I think it is called smoothing. Yeah. And so I would essentially be smoothing. Followed by a beating. If you smoothe in my house, I'm going to beat you.

Yeah. I think that's – okay, great. So basically problem solved? Does that seem – Yeah. These are all valid solutions. Okay. great. So basically problem solved? Does that seem? Yeah, these are all valid solutions. Okay, great. Eventually you'll become part of the character of the neighborhood.

Right. And when new people move in, the other neighbors will say, don't worry, he's fine. He takes some getting used to. We were worried too. Yeah, we were. No, he's fine with your kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's swarthy, but he's Scotch-Irish.

Yeah. The thing about him is he just doesn't run fast, so it's really not a big deal. Like, you can catch him. Nobody who can't run, you know, he'll be fine. Okay, we'll be back in just a second with more of Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Candice Bergen. Candice Bergen.

That's great. That's great. Yeah, it's a great nickname. We invite our guests to create their own nickname if they'd like. Yeah, and I like Candice Bergen. I mean, it has a very... Who doesn't like Candice? Candice Bergen is great.

Now, Candice, I don't know if this wound is too fresh, but the whole Dan Quayle thing, can we talk about that? Hurtful. Can we talk about Dan Quayle? I don't know if you guys have noticed, I'm a little bit hoarse today. Yesterday, I went to a high school football game. Oh. For?

For just personal. This episode is very predatory. Yeah, it's just like so creepy. For photography purposes. You just keep getting in deeper and deeper. Yeah. My wife's cousin is a senior in high school, and he is a football star. Very muscular.

Just has a great... He's taught. Yeah. He's really... He's got a... He's cut. There's a buoyancy to his ass. Yeah.

I've been doing some... A kind of ass buoyancy. I've been doing some what you... I guess you would call it prep school locker room reporting. Yeah. I've been doing some... A kind of ass buoyancy. I've been doing some what you... I guess you would call it prep school locker room reporting. Yeah, I get it. I get it. Sure. I've been to that site.

I had only been to... Jordan, you went to a normal... Greg, you're from the East Bay or something like that, right? No, Marin. You're from Marin. Really? I grew up in San Francisco in Marin County. Where did you go to?

Did you go to high school in Marin? Yeah. Where did you go to high school? Redwood High School. Oh, wow. So my wife's cousin goes to Marin Catholic High School. Yeah, right down the street from where I lived. I lived in Ross.

There you go. And so this is like, you know, it's a it's a tony it's a tony school a moderately tony school um and it's not as it's not really a football school necessarily but um you know they made it all the way to the state championships that's why the football game was down here jordan i will of course went to school there was just a was where they were playing marin catholic yeah he was playing for marin catholic he plays for marin catholic he's from marin right and they were down here and they were down here playing. And they were down here playing against the Southern California school for the state championship.

Compton. Compton, yes. Is that right? No, it was, because it's the Catholic school. That sounds like a pretty, hopefully they would have a lot of differences at first, but in the end realized that they both loved football. We just wrote a movie. We just wrote a movie, so let's go ahead and put a pin in that and then get

that into development on Monday. We're calling it Bring It Here, a football movie. Bring It Here. Jordan, you're from Orange County. Sure. And you went to a normal high school. Yes. If I know one thing about Jordan Morris, it's that he went to a normal

high school, like from a high school movie. Was going to the football game something that people did in your high school? Yeah, yeah, it was. And I, yeah, and I did it too, you know, but kind of the, you know,

what would generally happen is that there's, you know, kind of a pocket that watches the football game, and then, you know, another pocket that was just there for, you know, just general socializing, and then, you know, you'd go pocket that watches the football game. And then, you know, another pocket that was just there for, you know, just general socializing. And then, you know, you'd go to a Denny's or something afterwards. Right. I went to my whole high school career. I did go to one high school football game.

My, like, childhood best friend played a couple years of football before he decided he was too artistic to play football for a Catholic school in San Francisco. And I went to one of his games, and I just remember just thinking, like, I don't enjoy watching this. Like, this is not something I want to participate in at all. Football. The game of football?

That's the thing. I like football fine. I like sports just fine. I enjoy sports. But high school sports, it's weird to me. The whole thing is weird to me. But I'll tell you, I went to this football game yesterday You don't like the size of the players

Or the quality of play It's more the shape of the players I would say Yeah I don't want to put too fine a point on it Greg Yeah I mean you don't like the The sort of struggle that goes on

You like someone who's a little more developed In their football skills What you don't like What you don't like is marching bands that have brass arrangements of popular songs. That's what you don't like. I want to get down to brass tacks about some of the things that were going on in this football game. Number one, I have a question for this is for both of you guys. I don't know, Greg, do you have any experience with high school football?

Well, I do. I'm sure you're the quarterback of the team. I had to go to the games because I was on the team and yet I played as much as your average fan. Right. So I had a very bad experience. In my experience,

I've talked about quite a bit, but the only compliment I got in four years of high school football, I was a senior, halftime of a game that we were losing. I was the second string fullback.

The first string fullback was a guy by the name of Ken Flax. Ken was having a crappy game. Kenny Flax. Kenny Flax. Coach gets us and went on to throw the hammer in the Olympics. Kay Flax. Ken, Ken Flax. Ken was having a crappy game. Kenny Flax. Kenny Flax. Coach gets us in the locker room,

went on to throw the hammer in the Olympics. Kay Flack. Ken, Kay Flack. We didn't have that back then, but he would have been Kay Flack, and I love that.

This is the only compliment I got. The coach gets us in the locker room, and he goes, we got a guy out here, number 44, Ken Flax, running like a pussy. We got guys like Greg Barron here

who work hard all week who will never see the field. So that was year four. So at that point I realized I'm not going to ever play. It never occurred to me that I wasn't ever going to get in. I was going to ask if you weren't playing this much, you obviously

stayed with it a long time. But for some reason you didn't realize it until then that you weren't playing? No, exactly. It was almost just that I like the camaraderie. I like the friendship. All my buddies played. I like being on the team.

I did – I still did all right. I met girl. You know what I mean? Like it was a social aspect of it that was great. But we were terrible and then I was worse and it was a bad experience. The beauty of it is, the little wrap-up of it is, is that my senior year they started a rugby club and all the guys that were horrible. Greg, could you wrap this up for me?

I'm going to wrap it up in a little bow for you. You'll go like, all the guys that were horrible at every sport and school joined the rugby club and we went on to win the national championships and we beat a team from Langley in Dayton, Ohio. Here's my question about that, this rugby issue here. Here's my question about that, this rugby issue here. This is a deviation from our discussion of football,

but something that came to my mind when you discussed how the starting fullback went on to throw the hammer in the Olympics. Have either of you guys ever had the urge to pull a Geena Davis and focus all your energy on a really weird sport so you can get into the Olympics. Just sit-ups. I just wanted to be really good at sit-ups. Floor routine. But like, you know, Gina Davis did some particular kind of archery for three years straight.

She quit acting to do archery. Yes, she did. And then she very nearly made it onto the U.S. Olympic team. Now, we live in the United States. I think that's probably a hindrance to this plan. It would be the best way to do this is to live in a tropical country and compete in the Winter Olympics. Yes, sure. Or something like that.

But still, I mean, I feel like, I don't know, like how much time would you really have to dedicate to biathlon before you could make the U.S. biathlon team? Do you think if you spent five years, if you just spent five years, all your time that you weren't making the bare amount of money you needed to live, you were focusing on biathlon, you might make it into the Olympics? Here's what I think what's working against me doing that. I think you need just a general groundwork, a general base of physical fitness, which I don't have. So I would probably need a little extra time just becoming fit. She ended up on an archery range one day

and somebody went, oh my God, you have the thing, whatever it is. And she just followed it. You know what I mean? How often does that happen? That never happens to me. I think an archery scout

saw her in a league of their own and said she's got it. You recognize it. The grace of form, the elegance that's required to draw back the bow, the wit that's required to release it. Sure. Sure. Yeah. The candor, if you will, to be able to release it. Yeah.

I just think that's – You can't hold anything back. I mean, but here's the thing. Like, how many times in life have you, I mean, clearly, like, you've got now, I think, 42 different podcasts. Right. You are, you found your medium. You are a broadcaster on many levels, right? So you found your thing.

I certainly broadcast my deviant homosexuality to the community. But I'm saying, it's like, when you find those pockets. That's me, bad deviant homosexuality i love it to the community but i'm saying it's like when you find those pockets deviant pedophilia yeah you don't discern what the gender of the okay that's true it doesn't matter yeah it really doesn't matter um but when you find those pockets in life that you suddenly go oh my god i'm good at this like you don't know it and suddenly you go i gotta go down this path or what am i you know like i would i would be remiss to not try it so clearly she she had that moment where she's like i'm a fine actress and I'm a good-looking lady. I can't do this forever and if I miss this opportunity – because most things you try,

I would imagine most people that try most things, you suck. You go out, you hit a golf ball, you go, this is going to be torture for me to learn it. Or tennis, you go, I like this but I'm not – you don't feel it. You're a little better at tennis than you were at golf though. Always. Yeah. Because it's a better game. Yeah don't feel it. You're a little better at tennis than you were at golf, though. Always. Yeah. Because it's a better game. Yeah, it is better.

It's a lot better. It's a higher quality. Yeah, it's a much better game. But I think that those are those moments, you know, that you have where you suddenly go, oh, I guess I do this now, you know? Okay. Actually, this was a, maybe while we're on this subject, Greg, you're banding now.

Jordan, I wanted to talk about high school football just because – We can go back to high school football. Okay. Let's talk about the reigning monarchs and their new CD. Put a pin in it. Put a pin in it. I don't want to put a pin in it. I want to blow it out.

Okay. Can we please blow it out? There's issues about high school football that I want to discuss. Let's do it. Number one, it seems, and I'm not entirely sure about this, but based on my having seen one high school football game and then the teams come out onto the field for the next high school state championship football game and having seen the movie Bring It On, it seems that all high school football games are essentially race wars. Is that correct or incorrect? Because my wife's cousin's team, literally every single person on the entire field was white. Literally every single person.

Really? At Marin Catholic? That's so weird. It's crazy. How did that happen? But here's the thing. I didn't even know there were, there existed Catholic schools that were all black. I didn't even know.

Oh, is this an only Catholic school division? Yeah. I knew intuitively that there were black Catholics. And certainly black students that went to a Catholic school that's largely populated with Catholics of other ethnicities. I'm going to solve this for you. Okay. The Catholic schools can recruit.

Yeah. So they can find kids. But this team... They can recruit. Okay, but here's the thing. So they find the best athletes that they can find. Here's the thing.

Every guy... All best athletes are black. Every dude... Better people. All better people are black, by the way. Every dude on the entire Marin Catholic team, white.

Every dude on the entire Sarah of Southern California Catholic school football team, white. Every dude on the entire Sarah of Southern California Catholic school football team, black. Right. Except for one giant Samoan guy. Right. And, you know, they were on the opposite side of the field.

So there may have been a few... And that's the guy that stands in the middle and goes, come on, guys. Yeah. There may have been a few maybe like, you know, mid-skin tone Dominican guys or something like that. I can't distinguish every single person's ethnicity from their forearm, which is what you can see.

But it definitely seemed like a race war. Made me uncomfortable. Made me uncomfortable to root for the whites against the blacks. I get it. But did you need to make a sign, though? I think that's where you went wrong. You made a sign. Well, you're supposed to make a sign for a sporting.

That said, go whites. Right. Well, everyone else had a sign that said, go Wildcats. I thought that was a you went wrong. You made a sign. Well, you're supposed to make a sign for a sporting. That said, go whites. Right. Well, everyone else had a sign that said, go Wildcats. I thought that was a little bit played out. I mean, sure, the team is called the Wildcats, but what else do they all have in common? What else do they have in common? Also, maybe go privilege. Wasn't it?

That seemed awkward, too. That seemed awkward. I was really impressed. My wife's cousin really put on an amazing show. He's a running back. And in high school football, I mean, this guy, I can't imagine this guy in any other sport besides, in any other level of football, playing tailback and not fullback. But his technique was he just wouldn't get tackled. That was his technique.

Not very fast at all, not very agile. Right. But he would literally carry four guys five yards down the field. But now let me ask you, first off, who won? Unfortunately, Marine Catholic lost. The other team was much better than they were. It's a miracle that Marine Catholic's there, because in the Marine County League, some years they can't field teams.

Right. Because dudes are mountain biking and they're high. Yeah. They really cannot. Or they decide to do soccer, which was a big deal there. Yeah, soccer. So the fact that a championship team came out of there is almost a miracle. Disc golf?

Yeah. Yeah, disc golf, right? I mean, yeah, no, totally. If you go to the Frolf Championship, it's all Marin teams. You're talking about Drake. You're talking about every school in Marin. Yeah. Of course, Greg's alma mater, Redwood High School.

Yeah. If fish tour through that area during the fall, there won't be football this year. Because everyone's going to be – then they're still waiting for Jerry to come back. It was certainly a miracle that they made it there. And it was – I was inspired. Marine Catholic, they played a very disciplined game, but they didn't have the athleticism of the other team and i understand that that is a racist thing to say in this context when you point it out because because uh we're on a pretty good run might as well uh yeah okay but let's let's talk a little bit about the sort of the miscellany that

accompanied this game can i can i make a comment about fish yeah go for it i have a buddy who went to something called fish fest recently i guess fish recently got back together and they had a festival out on like the indo polo field where they have coachella um it's three days and i just assumed uh that it would be you know like fish with headlines the spaghetti incident that's kind of what i was thinking it'd beule. Sure, yeah, absolutely. Black crows thrown in for good measure. Why not? Ozo Motley, certainly for an ethnic Right, let's do that. Don't want it to be all white people.

And finally, can't think of another one. Okay, it's fine. Don't worry about it. It's probably a compliment that you can't think of another one. Sure. Anyways, I assumed that's what it would be, and I'm like, oh, who else was playing Fish Fat? He was going for all three days, and he was talking about getting a camping permit and stuff like that.

Wow. Just Fish. Fish would play like three different two-hour sets in a day, and they would just sit there and listen to that one band for three days. That's just bizarre to me. Insane. I can't.

I don't like anything that much. Okay. Yeah, right? What can I listen to? I don't like anything that much. Yeah, right? What can I listen to? I don't like anything that much. You wouldn't even want to practice for three times in one day with your own band that you play in.

There's nothing I like more than playing in my band, and still that would be too much. I want to talk about bands. This is one of the things I want to talk about about this football game that I watched. So for some reason, Marine Catholic didn't have a band. They had a router bus that came down from Marin to Southern California that was paid for by donations. I know this because there was a Jumbotron, and on the Jumbotron it said,

thanks to the donors to the Marin Catholic router bus. So they brought down a busload of young people to this thing. There was at least as many Marin Catholic people there as there were people from this school in Southern California. There had to be 1,000 people there. And there's no band. Marin Catholic did not have a band. The other team did have a band, and it was a show band,

like you might have seen in your drumline film or something like that. You know what I'm talking about, a show band, you know, like you might have seen in like your drumline film or something like that. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. A show band. But this show band, it was amazing because, you know, on the one hand, you know, Marine Catholic didn't have any band there at all. Right.

Which was a little pathetic. But possibly more pathetic was that the other school had a band there and it was a show band and they had their show band outfits in the whole nine yards but the band only had eight people in it it was more of a show combo i would say right than a show band it's like they had and in one of these bands four of them are drummers so they've got like four drummers a saxophone a sousaphone. The one guy was playing a clarinet. That's one more member than we have in the reigning monolith. Oh, we almost could have played there.

I thought of another band that would be at Fish Fest. Oh. Bad Brains. Oh, good. Okay, sorry. Go ahead. And I question that suggestion. It seems like a bad, bad idea of a brand that would be there.

They don't seem likely to be there. No, they would totally be there. Not even close. There would be the token punk band that would be there. Let's get those guys back together. Because they play more reggae now. Okay. So there's this show band, and the show band has a band leader who is like the baton guy.

You know what I'm talking about? You know about this guy. He wears the giant tall hat and has a giant baton guy. You know what I'm talking about? You know about this guy. He wears the giant tall hat and has a giant baton with giant balls on the end. Yeah. And he basically just prances around. Yeah.

Like that's his main job. Like a pony. He's sort of a show pony. He really... They do dressage almost. He has the outfit on that a show pony in the Barnum and Bailey Circus

would be wearing. The hat and the baton and the whole nine yards. You know how those ponies carry their batons? Yeah. And so he's doing his crazy dance, but this band that's following him is literally the least impressive band I've ever seen in my entire life.

Sure. And they're not really doing any moves. They're doing moves that would be impressive if there was 30 or 40 people in this band, which is the number of people that you would think would be in a band like this. Like, turns. They're basically doing turns. Yep.

And they're synchronized turns. But it was a really sad situation. You know why the band was so small? Why was the band so small? Everybody joined Glee. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Everybody's in Glee.

That's the new thing. That's the new thing. I'm not going out for band. I'm going out for Glee because we can do mashups. Yeah. People love to do mashups. That's all they do. Mashlee. That's the new thing. That's the new thing. I'm not going out for band. I'm going out for Glee because we can do mashups. Yeah. People love to do mashups. That's all. People love mashups.

That's a good point. That's what I learned about Glee is that people do mashups. Yeah. People love mashups, Glee, you know. Sure. Yeah. The other thing that I noticed about this that I guess I had never noticed before is a cheerleading is really weird. What is that? What is cheerleading? Yeah. Is really weird.

What is that? What is cheerleading? Yeah, what is going on? It's the leading of cheers. Yes. It's to pump up the crowd with kick pants. Which are the pants that go over the underwear, but they seem like the underwear and they're almost just as good. And you wait for those brief moments when you're like, kick pants.

No, I'm looking at them. They're sort of doing a dance. But they're not actually doing a dance. I mean, that's the thing. Like, in my mind, like, if you go to the basketball game, you go to a professional basketball game. Sure. They have the, you know, the Golden State Warriors dancers. And they're doing a dance routine.

It's a Warriors game. I love that you went to a Warriors game. I love that in the scenario you had a Warriors game. So you're there with like six other guys. First basketball team. Right. You're in a team. Sorry. I'm a San Francisco native.

That's the only professional basketball game I've been to is a Golden State Warriors game. You have to remind people that that's a basketball team. Yeah. That's true. Where's the Golden State? Nevada? Isn't that a cereal yeah i went to some sort of cereal game so but they're not doing a dance these cheerleaders are not doing a dance and at the same time you're like oh well they're just leading cheers but they're not really leading cheers either they're definitely not paying attention to what's happening in the football game and tailoring.

I mean, outside of they seem to be aware of when their team is on defense, defense, defense. Right. But other than that, there doesn't seem to be any game awareness going on here. No conception of that the game is happening by the cheerleaders. So you want them to, like, make routines and kind of improvise the routines based on what's going on in the game. I'm asking them to go either way. I'm happy if this is just a dance squad.

If they want to be a dance squad, dance is certainly more legitimate than cheerleading. There's no doubt about that. But don't pretend to be into the game. Don't pretend to be following it. Don't pretend to be a part of the game. You can just do a dance at halftime. That's fine if you want to be the dance squad. Don't pretend to be a part of the game. You can just do a dance at halftime. That's fine if you want to be the dance squad.

Don't pretend to be a part of the game if you're just doing miscellaneous shit. Right. Which is definitely what they were doing. And they were doing a great job, I guess. Yeah. But what's weird is it's sort of like it's one of these things that has gone to like four levels of abstraction. has gone to like four levels of abstraction. Like cheerleading, I feel like,

has as much to do with leading a team and leading your fans in cheering as the game of American football has to some Scottish guys kicking a pig's bladder around on a Scottish hillside. Sure. I feel that maybe at the beginning of the game, they would be at the game's inception. Right.

It would have been good to have them just to give you the cues as to what was going on. It seems like the American public. So it would be like, they get four downs, four tries to get 10 yards. Right. We, as a nation, don't have a trouble cheering at all. Right. In fact, there should't have a trouble cheering at all. In fact, there should be folks that actually go, let's bring it down a notch right now.

Let's go ahead and let's bring this face paint down. Put your shirt on. Let's put your shirt on. Take the anger down a notch. Why don't you let go of that guy's throat? This is like because if you go, for example – Don't flip over that car. If you go to a professional – Get your head off my neck. If you go to a professional baseball game in Japan, they have groups of fans who have organized themselves to lead cheers.

So they'll do cheers. I can't remember the cheer squads or something like that. They go to every game and they have these cheers. They go to every game. They assassinate rebel leaders. Sure. game they assassinate uh rebel leaders um they go to every game and lead these particular cheers that are their cheers and they all wear the same outfit and they all have a certain thing and they lead the whole crowd in doing a cheer that's related to what's happening in the game and the

team you know etc it makes sense but cheerleading is cheerleading gotten – it's like a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy. But then it's also completely perfected. You see what I'm saying? Right. Like this thing is no longer a thing. But they have dedicated so much energy and passion to it that they have made a perfect exact non-thing. Like it's not one level of abstraction. It's not just a it's not just,

you know, a simulacrum. It's not just the new Orleans district of Disneyland. It's like, and it's not even just the Chinese Disneyland, uh, the Chinese Disneyland knockoffs, new Orleans district. Like you're going line by line down the project the uh the progression of the simulacrum until you get to this sort of like completely unrecognizable thing but then you dedicate you know 40 years of intense study concentration focus and competitiveness and you refine it to its finest point of nonsense insanity, that's kind of how I felt about watching the cheerleaders. I'm so sorry. I lost you at Chinese Disneyland. Okay.

Did you say Chinese Disneyland? Japanese Disneyland. What do you think you eat at Chinese Disneyland? Oh, my God. Do they have ducks in the window? I hope they do. It's sort of like this. Imagine a great master's painting that's been photocopied ten times,

like the photocopy of the photocopy of the photocopy. Right. And then if art students spent four years learning to paint from that fifth generation photocopy. Well, I think maybe more what it is is that that's a- That would be the pop surrealist movement. You act like you've never seen Bring It On, Jesse. I have seen Bring It On.

It's a club at school. It's sort of a race war type situation. Yeah, it's like a race war. If I understand it correctly. It's just like it's a club at school and they have to put together this routine and there's no other place. People wouldn't come and just watch that. There was a real – But you also realize that these are all these – you still remember these are tiny human beings that have not figured out life at all.

Sure. The social aspect and what's actually going on in the huddle and amongst these girls and where they're going to go tonight and who's going to go home and have sex and who's going to go home and masturbate. Like there's so much other – Are you talking about who's going to go home and masturbate? Right. Are you going to masturbate? I don't know. I don't know.

I've only been doing it for a short time. It's still fucking awesome. I mean it just – there's so much – when you think about high school, there's so much other stuff going on. When you think about high school, there's so much other stuff going on. You're watching it now purely as cheerleader and football team, but there's just so many other layers, as you recall from high school, that are going on. It's almost weird that a game is actually happening. You have to understand, Greg, that part of the context for this is that I went to a high school that – Where did you go to high school? I went to high school.

Nowhere. It was School of the Arts in San Francisco. And at my high school, we had a golf team for one year until we were kicked out of the league. Right. And the golf team had a joke cheerleading squad made up of dancers from the school that thought cheerleading was funny

and thought it would be funny to have a cheerleading squad for a golf team since that was our only sports team. And then we got kicked out of the league. So that's the whole firsthand experience I have with this world. Yeah, I mean, it's a very, like, you know, having grown up in it, and I grew up in, like, just take Dazed and Confused and place that on my, you know, muscle. I had a muscle car. You know the the cheerleaders were hot and then we're going to soon become young moms that were no longer hot and republican it just there there

was there really was like it was and and in in in 81 when I was a senior uh that if you you either played sports or you weren't cool like there was no being in a band wasn't people didn't do that that you uh guys that had guitars were almost burnouts or weirdos or like art like there was a very especially growing up in marin it was the pinnacle of the of where you could be socially if you could get involved in that see this is kind of different for me because uh when i was in high school the football players also were the guys who played in bands. And they were like punk bands too. You know, kind of like Blink-182. So you grew up in the

Rollins generation. Technically, I think it would be fairer to say that he maybe grew up in the... I think Blink-182 generation is a fairer... George from Orange County. He grew up in a world where the I think Blink-182 Generation is a fairer. Sure. George from Orange County. Yeah.

He grew up in a world where the punk rock was made by mooks. Yeah, well, social distortion. You're right there. Yeah, sure, sure. These guys are angry about not being able to buy up. Yeah. I mean, like nobody, they can't get anyone to get beer for them. Like, that is as punk as it got for them.

They were mad at the government, but if you actually asked them to explain government, it would have been a long – It's a vague – it's a vague like stand up. Fight back. Fight back. How? I don't know. Don't ask me. I'm just in Pennywise.

I'm just a guy who's in Pennywise. No, but okay. So there's this old stigma that maybe Jesse and I only know by seeing it in movies. Cheerleaders date the football players. Was that real to you? Were you suspected to pair up with someone from the cheerleading squad? It did happen. Okay.

It definitely did happen. Do you feel like you were socially pressured into it? But I always felt like if a cheerleader was going out with me, she wasn't going out with a football player. So what was she doing? Really? You picked the guy whose uniform stays clean the entire time. He has not had to wash his game uniform once. You girl on the team i don't know you're the girl who

is a backup receiver backup kicker and just insists on being on the team i'm a special team they didn't wouldn't get rid of me and uh uh but i um uh yeah exactly like i'm not really sure what i was doing there except except for forging, I believe, a career in comedy. I recently found out, I knew my dad only as, I mean, I knew that my dad had been, my dad grew up in the 50s, very much in the 50s. My dad's a little bit older for how old I am, and he really grew up in the kind of American graffiti. the kind of American graffiti. And, you know, he went into the service out of high school and became, you know, crazy, bohemian, whatever afterwards. But in high school, I only knew that he had gone to high school in Glendale here in Southern California. And that he had been like,

I think he was student body president and president of the student court or something like that. Like, so I just figured he was kind of a genial nerd. And I found out the other day, he just mentioned to me in passing that he, well, for one thing, he started using speed in high school, which caught me by surprise. Yeah, sure. And this is like, you know, Benzedrine or something.

This is like Greenies. Right. This is like Johnny Cash speed. I love it. That's a good speed. Yeah. That's a good speed. Yeah. That's the good speed. And so that caught me by surprise. And then also, he just mentioned offhandedly that he dated every girl on the cheer squad.

Wow. Every single one. He mentioned it to me in the context of the fact that his dad, my late grandfather worked for what is now Mann Theaters, was then Fox Theaters. Right. And he had a pass. So he had a pass to Fox Theaters. So my dad could go to the movies for free anytime he wanted.

Wow. So my dad was like, well, yeah, it was great for my dating life because I would go on lots of dates because I could go to the movies as many times as I wanted. And anyway, I ended up dating the whole cheer squad. It's different back then. What they consider dating is just

cupping someone's shoulder from behind. Just a tiny cup and pat on the shoulder. Well, we would consider something you would do to get someone's attention. If it was a love match, you got married. So your dad is how old? My dad's like 65. 65.

So my dad is 77. In his time, actually, what dating was, was if you put your raccoon coat onto a woman. Yeah, I think actually he clubbed people over the head. I think he's that old. I think, and then dragged him into his cave. Do some pole sitting. You can get a girl to do some pole sitting with you. Now, Jesse, Greg had gone back to caveman days.

You're going back to the 20s. I love the 20s, though. I'm just saying we have to go back to amoeba. Oh, sorry. If we want to continue the pattern. Let's go further back. What you had to do if you wanted to date someone was divide your cells. Look, if Greg had listened to more episodes of Jordan, Jesse, Go,

he would know that any time there's any opportunity to bring up the glory days of the 1920s and 30s and college culture in that time, we wouldn't miss the opportunity to cram a few more references into a phone booth. Oh, I love it. I was just about to mention the phone booth. Anyway, so your dad was in the dance contest where they – My dad was in the – Who can dance the longest. Yeah. It's a hot jazz.

Dad was a bootlegger. Right. And he – my dad dated quite a bit as well. But like you said, dating I think wasn't as difficult a thing to do as it is now because it didn't lead anywhere really at that point. But I looked at his high school football picture, and if I had only seen that before I played football. Now it goes straight to anal. Right?

It goes straight to... No, well, we can discuss this even more. It's already... I think we should. Who's creepy now? I was having a conversation with someone about why the new music, the... You're talking about your Jay-Z, your rappers.

No, I'm talking about your D-Z, your rappers. I'm talking about your dirty projectors and your, and your, and your grizzly bear and why it's so twee and why it's, it's, while it all sounds great, it doesn't sound like anybody wants to have sex with anybody. Right. I'm like,

it's so like, let's just castrated. Exactly. There's no, there's no gravitas to it. And I said, I actually had this conversation with John Hamm and I was saying, we were talking about music and then it and I said men have such high voices I actually had this conversation with Jon Hamm and I was saying

we were talking about music and I said it seems like the kids don't want to have sex and he said no it's not that they want to have sex with Jon Hamm

but they've already had it right they've already had it this is the ennui that follows I'm like that's so sad at 18, 19 that kids are already like

yeah what's next like it's way too all they have left is John ham. And the, and ham's haveable. If you, if you,

if you're very accessible, he loves to hang out. He's got a Facebook. He's got a hangout. The other day, my wife and I went out to dinner to eat some hamburger sandwiches. And, uh,

they sat us down, you know, how sometimes in a restaurant there will be a long bench and then tables along the bench with chairs on the other side of the tables. Yeah, sure. Um, us down you know how sometimes in a restaurant there will be a long bench and then tables along the bench with chairs on the other side of the tables yeah sure um so they sat us down on this bench and sitting right next to me at the next table but along the same bench is john ham now i don't know john ham at all but i we don't know i was gonna say john ham from a ham sandwich but you know who he is yes of course you do um do. Now, we do know people who know Jon Hamm.

Our friend Scott Aukerman, who's been on this program. He's old pals with Jon Hamm. Our friends Matt Belknap and Jimmy Pardo are friends with Jon Hamm, and he's been on their show many times. He's a comedy fan. He was a go-to-Largo guy. He was a go-watch comedy guy. And a funny guy himself-Largo guy. He was a go-watch comedy guy. And a funny guy himself.

A very funny guy. I've seen him do your match games and your other things where he's on a panel. Guest star on 30 Rock. And he's not a comedian, but he's very funny considering how handsome he is. Almost upsettingly so. Yeah. And so we're sitting next to Jon Hamm, and I cannot tell you a more distracting thing to be doing when you're trying to eat dinner than sitting next to Jon Hamm. Because here we are.

Number one, my wife has to deal with the fact that she's presented with a choice between looking at me or Jon Hamm, which is a fucking train wreck. There's no way to spin that. You know what I mean? There's no way to spin. Even when he's got the hair down, he just looks more accessible. Even when he's got the hair down, he just looks more accessible. I've met him twice. And the first time I met him was at Largo and we were backstage and he was standing in front of a mirror.

So I had to see me while I was looking at him. And then I was like, how do I become – I was trying to become more handsome as I talked to him. Like I was like, hey, nice to – like I couldn't – I was like – like if I look at myself in the mirror and I get up in the morning, I'm like, yeah, you're doing all right, kid. You put yourself next to Jon Hamm, you're like, why do I have a face? Yeah. Why do I even bother with skin? So this whole dinner, I'm sitting next to him and my wife's having that experience. My wife, who loves me very much and finds me very attractive according to what she tells me.

Yeah. And so that's one awkwardness. The other awkwardness is in my mind, I'm like, you know, say something to john ham because a i think he's fantastic b i'd love to have him on the sound of young america sometime uh c i actually sincerely know we sincerely have mutual friends like people who i would consider my friend like matt and jimmy would consider him their actual friend like they see each other so i'm like i could should just introduce myself to him but there's no way to do that and here's the thing my wife pointed this out immediately after they left and i thought it was a very canny observation if we had been sitting at a different

like if we'd been sitting 15 feet away yes i could have gone up and said oh hi i'm sorry to interrupt you i i my name is jesse I'm a friend of Matt and Jimmy's. I just wanted to introduce myself and say hi. I've always enjoyed your work at the UCB and stuff like that. And then he would say, oh, thank you. Thank you very much. I have a public radio show. I'd love to have you come on at some time.

Sure, sure. And he likes the public. Yeah, exactly. And then I could walk away with some class. Walk away with some, retain some dignity. When he's sitting three feet from you, there's no way for me to turn to him, interrupt his conversation. Number one, me turning to him is not a good enough reason to interrupt his conversation, whereas me walking up almost is. Because it's more of an event. Me walking up is more of an event. Me turning to him, I can obviously hear his conversation. I could hear that he's talking and I'm interrupting something. So I can't turn to him

but the most important thing is there's no escape route. So once we're done, we've got what? Five sentences to exchange? You know what I mean? Yep. A handful. A handful. Ham will actually give you another five. You get ten. He's very gracious.

He doesn't have to. No, he doesn't have to. He doesn't have to, but he does. Actually, here's what would have happened. The man has an Emmy. He would have told you that he loved Jimmy Pardo's podcast, that he was on the podcast at Thumbnail, and you tell him about your thing, and he'd ask you about it. It's conceivable, Jesse, that he has, if not doesn't know who you are, has listened to your podcast.

Conceivable. And I thought, and it was a good opportunity for me, because I had just been, I had just been on Never Not Funny. I know Ham actually listens to Never Not Funny. He does. So I could have said, you know, like, oh, I was actually on last week's Never Not Funny with Matt and Jimmy. And that would have given me enough credibility to, you know, worst case scenario, have a genial exchange that I could later follow up with an email to, you know, Jimmy Rockerman that says, hey, could you forward this invitation to come on my show over to him?

Or even it could have best case scenario email address. But now you're on a date. Yeah. Now you're on a double date with him. Now we're on a group. Was he with his wife? He was with some friends, I think. He may have been also with his wife, but he was with some friends.

He was with his nine mistresses. We had that with Leonard Cohen. He was with your wife, actually, now that I think about it. Oh, that is hurtful. And also, she's got great taste. I love her. And you know what? She's got self-esteem.

It allows her to date handsome guys. We sat next to Leonard Cohen at a restaurant, and he commented on our drink. And then now we were in that situation. Right. Do we continue? Because you guys were drinking one of those giant tiki punch bowls filled with rum. He wanted us to try some sort of mojito,

a non-alcoholic mojito drink at Ammo. And so we did and he said he was wonderful. Actually, he's a rep for Ammo, just to clarify. Leonard Cohen's been working for Ammo. He's sort of a get-the-party-start kind of guy. He really gets it started. He wears a plunger on his head. He'll carry around shots in vials.

Can I tell you something? If you're going to get old, get old like that guy. You were talking about that with the Sartorialist the other day, about pictures of old men or older guys, how you can make it look good in the future that it doesn't all have to go to hell. Unbelievably well-dressed on a Sunday morning. But now we were in a,

do we keep talking to Leonard Cohen? And he sort of seemed to open... He opened himself to us. So now he's at our table and it was weird. It did get weird. So I think you made the right choice. I think you made the right choice. I think you always make the right choices.

The thing is, I made the choice, but man, it was a tough choice to live with for 20 minutes while we're eating our hamburgers and trying to figure out what's going on.

Sure. It's all up in the air. Everything's roiling. Did you enjoy the hamburger? It's a roiling, broiling, boiling spot of discomfort

and not sure what to do-ness. Was this at McDonald's? It might not have been him. It's conceivable. Now that I think about it, is Jon Hamm Latino? He's not.

Okay, we'll be back in just a second. Ham-bone. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan J. C. Go. J-A-M-B-O-N. Accent over the A. Ham-bone. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, boy detective. Of course, Candice Bergen is here with us. The delightful Candice Bergen from... What's Miles Silverberg really like?

We don't have time, honey. A little on-set romance? How about that? I could tell. I could tell when you guys were on screen that there was a little something. There's a little pop of credibility. Okay, Jordan. Here on Jordan, Jesse, go.

We invite you, the listeners, to sponsor our program. So for a personal message, we'll take $100. We'll let you sponsor one of our programs. For a commercial message, we'll take $150. We don't care. We're here to support you and get $150. That's our goals. Support you, get $150.

It's basic, Jordan. It's basic. Now, we have a great sponsor this week these are young people i like it when young people are creating something sure jordan a lot of people don't like that like a clubhouse sure you like it when young are we sponsoring a clubhouse i was gonna say we're sponsoring a young team of detectives, but that's actually the mystery, the premise of the Derek comedy film mystery team is a young team of detectives. So it's a little bit too au courant. Sure. It's like Clubhouse.

Our sponsor this week is a young sketch comedy group. Everybody's making these, filming these video comedy sketches and putting them on the Internet. They're called Ironic T-shirt. Now, I was concerned when I got an email that said, Ironic T-shirt, Jordan Jesse Go sponsorship, that maybe this would be someone wanting to sponsor our show to promote their Ironic T-shirts. They're like Ninja Turtle T-shirts. This is... Yeah.

I love it. This is, as far as I can tell a this is an ironic use of the ironic t-shirt yes which i honestly can't endorse i can't endorse that it's just too much it's freaking me out sure um but i will certainly endorse uh people checking out uh ironic t-shirt comedy.com to check out some of their comedy videos yeah i mean i'm talking about you can check out Last Words. You can check out Employee of the Month. You can check out

Muerto. You can check out Second Chances, Badminton, Dead Men Don't Play Strings. Is Muerto in Spanish? Well it certainly features a man with a comical mustache.

I love it. Yeah. Looks like high production values on these. Yeah. This is not bullshit. These are people this is a group

that is doing their shit. They got their old sketches from before they graduated from college in a category called the College Years, which of course I endorse. I support that. And I think you should go check it out. IronicT-ShirtComedy.com. Where are they based? Where's their home base? I don't know.

Let me click on About here on their website. They were founded at Bowdoin College. Bowdoin College? Bowdoin College. Bodine? Yes. Matthew Bodine. The University of Bodine.

Poutine College. At Poutine? Yes. At Punani. Yeah. Oh, they went to Punani U. Putai. They live here in Los Angeles.

They're here in Los Angeles. They're here in Los Angeles. They got back together after graduating from college. They've got a variety of people doing the thing. They hope to become the next, what's that thing called? Lonely Island. Monty Python. Monty Python. Lonely Island.

Monty Python. They're setting their standards higher in your conception of this thing. Silly anti-comedy or game-changing forever comedy or slightly. Okay, so ironictshirtcomedy.com is where you should visit. And we'll put up the link in the message board thread for this week's program. We'll be back in just a second with more Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Candice Bergen here with us. The great Candice Bergen. Yeah. Candice Bergen's attractive, right? I find her really attractive. Maybe in 2009 we're too far down the line,

but I even find early 90s Candice Bergen attractive. No. I'm going to make you a party of one on that in this particular. Yeah, I mean, I like her. I mean, I don't have a problem with her personality.

Sure, she seems great. She seems awesome. I was going to say, I mean, if we're looking at the... A little too husky. That voice is a little too husky for me. If I'm going to go that hus awesome. I was going to say, if we're looking at the... A little too husky. That voice is a little too husky for me. If I'm going to go that husky, I'm going to go Lauren Bacall.

Okay. You know? So you're really only willing to have one husky? Just one. I can only have one with a huskier voice in mind. You can't have a team of huskies.

Yeah, I can't have a team of huskies. Unless I'm making a Cuba Gooding Jr. movie. Yeah. Then bring on the huskies because we're locked in, Snow Dog. And we're talking about the most bonkable members of the Murphy Brown cast. I think that distinction goes to Miss Faith Ford.

Yeah, come on, Faith. How are you? What happened to Faith Ford? I don't know. I couldn't tell you. They gave her a show at a daytime talk show, I believe. Those are a dime a dozen. Yeah, I'll just hand those out.

We'll hand them out to just about anybody. I'm in talks. You know what? What's this woman called who's got a daytime talk show? Bonnie Hunt. She had it. They just gave her the axe. I was just going to say how I watched it one time.

I found her really engaging and funny. She's funny. She was really pleasant. Yeah, she can be very funny. Bonnie Hunt's funny on Stunt Time. But, you know, let's be honest. They'll give anybody a daytime talk show. Jesus, it doesn't take anything but just fucking being a carbon-based life form with one thought in your head.

Jesus, how about that guy? What's he doing? Let's put him on the show. Greg Barrett, of course, you might remember the Greg Barrett show. Go ahead and syndicate it. One of the funniest guys in the business. Now, Jordan, you've got to get to your commercial fitting. You booked a commercial one week after we spent an entire program with Paul F. Tompkins

complaining about auditioning for commercials. Yes. Congratulations, and congratulations to the Sprint Corporation for making the right choice. Absolutely. Yeah, that's great. So we've got to get out of here. We're going to skip momentous occasions this week because we're just plum out of time. But fucking Greg Barron, right?

Yes. How about it? Greg Barron. Thanks, man. I really enjoyed it. Greg Barron has a brand new comedy CD and DVD. You can choose your medium.

You can choose your medium with that. You can iTunes it, Amazon it. Both will cost you $9.99 to $11.99. Both are a bargain. They're almost a steal. I would suggest that you

buy it in both media because you don't want to just get the DVD for home viewing and then rip the audio for on-the-go listening. I love suggest that you buy it in both media because you don't want to just get the DVD for home viewing and then rip the audio for on-the-go listening. I love it. I say you get both. I say get both. Why not?

It makes it easier. Does this item have a title? It's called Greg Barron is That Guy from That Thing. Greg Barron is That Guy from That Thing. People recognize Greg Barron from The Greg Barron Show, from the Oprah Winfrey television program, from his various late-night television appearances from Sex and the City.

Right. They'll go, are you that guy from that thing? Or build me a house. And then we do 10 minutes of explaining that I'm not Ty Pennington. That's why I went with now I'm just straight pompadour. I was when I went, you know what? Fine. Let me just go ahead and become part of the rogue crew for social distortion

or the Cadillac tramps. But I'm going to go ahead and just let's just go straight retro with it. No spiky at all. I'm so glad somebody's on the show who can make social distortion jokes. This is great. Greg Barron, sincerely one of the funniest guys in America. A guy who can, I think this is probably my greatest endorsement of Greg Barron. A guy who can talk about something like a social distortion that really means nothing to me.

Could not mean less to me. And I will be fucking rolling around on the floor laughing, enjoying Greg Barron's comedy. One of the great comedians. And you know what? Greg Barron, also a rock and roll star. Star might be strong. Star strong.

Yeah. Star strong. Might be an overstatement, but... Member of a band. Rock and roll guy. I like to make music. I make music with my band, The Reigning Monarchs. It's a surf and ska combo for those

that don't like lyrics. And who needs to hear anything that a 46-year-old has to say? But do you enjoy my music? It's great for scoring your home movies. Scoring your home movies, for driving. You can skank to it a little bit. I mean, you can put it on and dance. It does help if your home movies feature like

clean-cut guys in Pendleton shirts. It'd be great if a guy had a Tribbley hat on. It really is awesome if you're wearing an Argyle sock or a sweater vest of any kind. Because that's where you and I meet sartorially. We love the clothing. Looking at a sweater vest or a shirt. If you know who Tom Brown is, then you go ahead and get the record. Go ahead and do it.

And a fondue set. And hey, I'll tell you this. If you know Tom Brown is spelled T-H-O-M-B-R-O-W-N-E, then get two. You need to get two. Go ahead, get two of them, please. Yeah. Yeah. I've been looking for some music to sneak around to.

Will that work? It's perfect for sneaking around. Yes! It's exactly that kind of music. It's a sort of a, when you say ska, it's sort of a 60s... It's basically 60s pop instrumentals. It's got a little bit of ska in it, but it's got a little bit of surf. It's got a little bit of country, a little bit of noir.

There's a little bit of faux jazz in it. And then there's a little bit of clash rhythms. We've got some punchy clash rhythms, and there's a horn section. It's like a fun, cool music to put on when you're taking care of business around the house or you're doing something. Like I said, great for home movies. It's music for if I had my own store and I sold clothes. Okay. Right. You aspire

to have your own store. At one point, we saw each other at the Bumper Shoes Music Festival. Yeah. We love Bumper Shoes. That's where I met my wife. You were music festival. Yeah. We love bumper shoes. Bumper shoes. And you... That's where I met my wife.

You were... You were really at that bumper shoes? No, the one before. She was up there trying to... A couple years before, many years before,

trying to sign a real estate. Hold on. Is your wife Band of Horses? My wife is Band of Horses. My wife is a tall,

sweaty, bearded man with a tattoo and a really, really stinky flannel. I was going to go Robert Pollard from Guided by Voice. That's better, Jordan. Congratulations. That's why you're working for Sprint and I'm here

in the home studio making podcasts. It took me forever to think of that bad brains remark. It didn't really make sense. I'm still not a part of it. That's the punk rock band that hippies would be listening to. It's for white hippies. But, and it didn't really make sense. I'm still not a part of this. No, hippies, that's the punk rock band that hippies would be listening to. It's for white hippies. But they don't listen

to punk rock bands. No, they do. That's the essential. They would be so upset by it. No, they like to think that they're musically diverse and they pick a couple of punk rock bands,

one of them is Bad Brains. Here's what I feel like. They would see the dreads. They would see the dreads. They would think one of the Marlies is there because they're all vaguely racist as well as being hippies. And then once the madness ensued, they'd fucking be angry. They would see the dreads. They would think one of the Marlies is there because they're all vaguely racist as well as being hippies.

Yeah. And then once the madness ensued, they'd fucking be angry. They'd felt betrayed. Yeah, they'd be scared. You can't be a black man yelling at me. I don't understand it. The most recent bad – they're like reggae albums, the past couple of Bad Brains records. They would like that.

I don't know. Okay, well – Hippies, call in. Do you like Bad Brains? I think that you do. I'm not buying it. Jamaicans hate the gays. Give us a call. Jamaicans hate the gays. Give us a call.

Jamaicans hate the gays. Give us a call. 996-7272-1413 is your number. Call in for party cash. That's our topic today. Jamaicans hate the gays. Greg, do you have any of these? You've had recently, you've been doing uh television television programs internet television programs are any of these things active that we should be

making sure to mention before we go any of these things happening right now am i am on anything right now yeah you had i mean you had the you had a television program you had an internet television program for a while you were making some kind of video series out of your apartment i was doing garage i was doing a series of ask gs with two cameras, so that was exciting. Jib shot. We had a jib. Tiny jib. I just wanted to work with a tiny jib.

Get some rails. Do you have a tiny jib? Let's get in there. Put it on rails. I think they're going to be at Fish Fest next year, tiny jib. Yeah, tiny jib's going to be there. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of Light in the Attic Records from Kites Are Fun, the best of The Free Design, a great last-minute holiday gift.

Yeah, so basically, fuck yeah, what a great time to have Greg Barrett here. Thank you. We'll see you next time right here on Jordan Jesse Go.