Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 121: Lawrence of Arabia

Episode Date: December 31, 2009

Matt Belknap joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about dark sides and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddle, dumby, tw, go, you finally get a chance to get to know our dark sides.

Okay, mostly just my dark side. And you probably already know about that. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, the last few weeks on our program, Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, the last few weeks on our program, Jordan, Jesse Goh, we have had some spectacular guests,

some major guests from the world of comedy. Thank you for reminding me of the name of the program. We've had Paul F. Tompkins. Yeah. Mark Maron. Who else have we had? Barrett. Gregory Barrett, one of the best um so i

thought it was time to cool it off a little bit yeah right you know what i mean i think our audience is sick and tired of these major comedy celebrities coming on the program they're looking for what they're saying is you know jordan needs another straight man. Yeah, exactly. Thank you. On the program from... Someone he can hit with pies. Someone he can explain his complicated baseball team to. They have unusual names.

That's the long and the short of it. It's not a rule on our show that you have to stay quiet until we introduce you, Matt Belknap from Never Not Funny. Hello. It's a pleasure to have you here, Matt Belknap. One of my favorite podcasts, Jordan. Sure. I know you don't listen to it.

You don't care for it. Yeah. I prefer Studio 360. Jordan really loves Studio 360. And the Slate Culture Gab Fest. Now, wait. That was Aaron Sorkin's podcast about making another podcast, right? It was.

Yeah, yeah. It was behind the scenes of a sexy grammar podcast. Did you know that I used to substitute host for some of Slate's podcasts? I substitute host for the Slate Daily podcast, and I think there was another Slate podcast that I substitute hosted for a few times. Through the kindness of Slate's uh podcast editor andy

bowers who who met me at a podcasting convention said i like your show do you need a job and i said yes i did at the time um i i did this for quite some time and then uh i got and then andy left he went to go do slate's videos and this new lady came in and one time this new lady had to go on christmas vacation or something like that so she emailed me and asked if i could fill in for her i say yes i fill in for completely capably for the first four days of this week on the fifth day of this week i i think fill in for her completely capably until i get an email on saturday that says hey jesse did you mean to say for salon.com, this is Jesse Thorne? Wow.

That's a major mix-up. That's about as bad as it can get. Yeah. About as bad as it can get. That's like confusing Guitar Hero and Rock Band. Basically the same thing. If you were working for Rock Band. Yes.

That's what it's like. If you were the Beatles. Mm-hmm. So that was probably the lowest point in my life. I like the question, did you mean to say this? Implying that maybe you thought it was a funny gag. That's the thing. I am completely unconvinced to this day that this woman, because I didn't know this woman.

That's the thing. I worked with Andy Bowers for months and months. I filled in regularly. I did a lot of stuff. I worked with Andy Bowers for months and months. I filled in regularly. I did a lot of stuff. He was very kind to me. And I to him. Lending my dulcet tones to the Slate Daily Podcast. But this lady, she was a new lady. She wasn't familiar with my

work. She wasn't familiar with my consistent track record over numerous... Of saying the correct name of the website. Oh God. It was... It could not have been worse. I think even now she probably thinks, that fucking Jesse Thorne. He really shivved me in the last day of his run.

He was trying to make the point that he doesn't need the Slate Daily podcast anymore, and he threw in his hat with Keeler in the Salon.com gang. Well, I'd like to ask her, but I can't, so I'll ask you. Are you 100% sure you weren't working for Salon.com at that time? Yeah, did you know for certain? Okay, so I'm trying to think back.

Because I actually don't think those are two different things. I think they just have two names and people use them interchangeably. Kind of like the Netherlands and Holland. Now, I know that that's not true. Both jobs have legal weed. But I was wearing a trench coat a lot at the time and having a lot of meetings in alleys. I don't remember why,

but I do remember that a large amount of cash showed up in my Swiss bank account shortly after the incident, as I call it. I hear you. I hear you. Anyway, for the Salon.com Daily Podcast, I'm Jesse Thorne. With me, Jordan Morris, Boy Detective Matt Belknap. We'll be back in just a second with more of Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. I got a chip on my shoulder now. Sure. Matt Belknap comes in here. We're kind enough to invite Matt Belknap on our show. Yeah, sure. It's by our grace, by our... Look, we have a five-digit audience, Matt Belknap. You're talking about literally as many people as read a spinoff of Cat Fancy.

We're inviting you here to promote your podcast that you charge money for. Oh, I'm not here to promote. I'm here to have your podcast that you charge money for oh i'm not here to promote i'm here to have fun guys you resent that we even mentioned you were from a podcast yeah that is you step rather not talk about that you step in here you say you say to me hey jesse how do you like that ergonomic keyboard yeah little do i know you're you're a... I think you're offering an innocent question. In fact, you're offering a sarcastic put-down. Well, thanks to the magic of audio podcasting,

you can actually share with the audience what it sounds like when you type on your own keyboard. Go ahead and give them a little sample. I'm concerned that if I type, it might break the recording, but... Well, go over to the other window there. Go to Twitter and just type something in. Okay. What? recording but well go over to the other window there go to twitter and just type something in okay what are you saying something matt i can barely are you talking i can barely hear myself over that thunderous look i just feel like that if that doesn't evoke uh a dilbert comic strip

i don't know what would matt you think everything evokes to be fair you think everything evoke a Dilbert comic strip, I don't know what would. Matt, you think everything evokes, to be fair, you think everything evokes a Dilbert comic strip. Well, he is on my mind. For a while, you're beautiful.

For a while, you made your beautiful wife, Elise, style her hair in three points. Well. One to each side and one up top.

Also, Larry Miller played the boss in the TV version of Dilbert. So, you know, you're an asshole, Matt. We're just hanging out. That's something I know about Dilbert. We're just hanging out, having fun. We got Matt Belknap here. Of course, we've got him here because he's a successful script reader.

Oh, okay. Wow, that was a curveball. We're not making the podcast, I thought. Is that the rule? Yeah, it's true. He's also a great husband and father. So happy. Lucky to have him here. Matt's here because he wants to discuss Soul Calibur strategies.

Wait a minute, Jordan. Are we just bringing Matt into things that we would like to talk to Matt about? I mean, sounds fine, right? We actually did talk. We mentioned Soul Calibur. Jesse, you're Jesse. Jordan was on our marathon podcast. I listened to it.

He was the funniest guy. At least the funniest guy between like 11 and 5. Yeah, I sure beat the fuck out of Jimmy Dore. No, you were very funny. The funniest, yeah. We had a great time. Yeah, that was a blast and a half, by the way. Yeah.

And I know you're averse to plugging, but aren't you guys selling that whole affair via download? Yes, yes. If you want to hear what it sounds like for three stupid men to try to do a podcast for nine hours with some guests from about 9 p.m. to 6 a.m. one night after Thanksgiving this year, then go to pardcast.com and click the Pardcastathon link and you will see what it is. Ten bucks. It goes to charity. Yeah, yeah. The whole thing was for charity. was for Smile Train Which is a cleft palate charity What they do is they take children in the third world And cleave their palates So they'll be more sympathetic Right, right

For television Yeah, that's one of the things they do The other is drugs It's drug running Okay, so we have Matt Belknap here from the great Never Not Funny of course it's at it's best I would say when Jordan's there

we're going to have him back on of course Jesse's been on many times, twice many times but Jordan will be on a regular episode it took me years to get into Jimmy's circle. Yeah, he's a tough one to crack.

You've got to be in the circle. Yeah, yeah. You've got to be in the circle. You've got to be friends with him, like Mr. Conan O'Brien. You're talking about his T-Mobile MyFaves, right? There's only five people eligible to be on the podcast at a time. That's why it's so hard to book. If I get T-Mobile, do I get

Catherine Zeta-Jones in my faves? You get a Catherine Zeta-Jones bot, which is just an annoying program that sends you an email every day. I'd call Catherine Zeta-Jones. It just says, thank you for choosing T-Mobile. Rent that Zorro movie I was in. That was a nice movie.

That was the first and last time I liked her, I think. Yeah, I think that was the first and last time America liked her I think Yeah I think that was the first and last time America liked her wasn't it She's beautiful though She is just bewitching I'd say Jordan has no position on Catherine Zeta-Jones She's looking at us like Catherine Zeta-Jones

You guys get a sexual feeling From looking at her That's alright Jordan is reacting to Catherine Zeta-Jones As though she was Meg Ryan That's all right. Cuckoo. Jordan is reacting to Catherine Zeta-Jones as though she was Meg Ryan. Wait a minute. That's not fair either. She's fine, I guess.

People are like, eh, Meg Ryan. People now are like that, but flashback to 1992. Was she super bonkable back in the day? Matt, you're a little older than us.

Yeah. Were you into... No, I don't think she's a sex symbol, but I think she's charming. I think she's funny. I think she's really cute. Have you jacked off thinking about her?

That's a personal question. Have you thought about her while you were having intercourse with your wife? No, I haven't done either of those things. So I guess you proved your point. Are you happy? Thank you. Thank you. Okay, Jordan, I want to...

On the subject of commercials, Jordan, we were – was that last week on the show? No, two weeks ago on the show with Mr. Paul F. Tompkins. We were talking about television commercials, auditioning for television commercials. And Jordan, you were headed out to audition for an Axe body spray commercial, which you did not get. I did not get that. However – Can I Axe you how it went? You could, but that's basically

funnier than my explanation. It went fine. Thank you, Matt. All right, good. But you did land a different commercial. I did, and I guess I shouldn't say commercial specifically. This is what

we call an industrial. Oh, this is an industrial. Here we go. An industrial, this is something with the cast of Friends talking about the power of Windows 3.1, if I'm not mistaken. Yes, something like that. Did that really happen?

Did they do that? Oh, yeah. I think there's only two of them. I can't remember which two, though. Joey. Probably Joey and Phoebe. Who's Phoebe? Ross is the blonde one. Ross is monkey? Is Phoebe? of them i can't remember which two though yeah joey probably joey and phoebe who's phoebe ross is phoebe ross is the blonde one ross's monkey is phoebe yes yes okay great go ahead jordan uh so yeah so what an industrial is and it's a commercial like a product that they can show on their website or in their store it's for sprint, you can see it, you know, it'll be maybe in the Sprint store, like at a gas station, playing at the gas pump while you pump gas.

Something like that. Adult novelty store. Yeah, yeah. It'll be in a coin-operated jack-off booth. Like in between the porn. You've got to monetize it. They hit you at 30 seconds. Matt, look, you're not on any boards.

Are you on any boards of directors? No. I'm on a board of directors. I understand monetization. Okay. What you're looking at is you're looking to monetize streams. And in that case, that's literally what you're doing. You're talking about content streams? Well,

in this case, no, I'm not talking about content streams. I'm talking about a different kind of stream. But certainly a content stream plays into it. Yeah. Jordan, go ahead. Well, it's got to be dynamic. Oh, it is dynamic. In my case, it's dynamic. I don't know about you guys.

So industrials, they don't have the big payday that being in a commercial does. If you're in a commercial, like every time it runs, you get a little royalty check, and it's how the Hollywood kind of struggling actor subsists as they kind of wait for this big payday. This is not –

You're Josh Fadum's. You're Luke Wilson's. Sure. Exactly. Well, I think Luke Wilson is doing those ads just out of a pure hatred for Verizon. I think he thinks it's a public service announcement. Yeah. It's like how Sarah McLachlan does those PETA ads.

Right. I think it's the same thing withachlan does those PETA ads. Right. I think it's the same thing with Luke Wilson. He says, I just want to warn people about Verizon and their lies. Yeah. He just got upset one day driving his car. He had Verizon. He was talking to his agent. His call got dropped.

His agent called him back, and he just said, Jimmy, get me AT&T. I will use all the power. I'm with him, by the way. Really? Yeah. You hate Verizon? I have no basis for hating them. But you're on board.

Because how could you not be on board? It's Luke Wilson. Yeah. Everyone loves Luke Wilson. It doesn't matter how many horrible films he makes. He's still the king of credibility. Yeah. I just like him because uh and

i don't know if this is going to register with either of you it certainly won't register with your audience but i'm going to say that is it meg ryan nope okay uh he is he suddenly looks like uh my friend jouster uh which is a guy who's on the message board a special thing that i run um and if you see those ads for at&t you you will now know what Jouster looks like because they look exactly the same to me. Anyway, enjoy that. Three people who know Jouster. Yeah, Jouster certainly doesn't listen.

I'll see Jouster around. I'll see Jouster around. Yeah. You'll see Jouster. That's right. He's a man about town. Sure. Sometimes Jouster will give me a mean look.

That's just his default look. That's right. He's a man about town. Sure. Sometimes Jaster will give me a mean look. That's just his default look. It's not personal. Okay, good. Well, Jaster talk is over. Let's get back to industrials. Yeah, right. Something everyone can relate to. So, you know, the pay for this was decent.

It was an honest day's work, honest day's pay, but not a cha-ching situation. How does it compare, Jordan, to shooting a commercial with a local legend? Which I believe you did. Yeah, no, that weather commercial I only got $100 for. $100? Yeah, I got $100 for it.

What was it with Johnny Mountain? Oh, Fritz Coleman. Oh! Even better. Yeah, right? Johnny Mountain. I think I gotta put the mountain above Fritz. Well, that's... Let's... We'll fight about that later. We'll fist fight about that later.

My number one is Lightning Storms. Go ahead. Now we're just making things up. Go ahead. So anyway, so but... So this was kind of my first commercial-ish experience. so this was kind of my first commercial-ish experience and I made a call on the set that I want to see if you guys think was the correct call

and also the listeners. Did you call Catherine Seta-Jones? Was that the correct call? That's a free call, so you might as well call her. You might as well just call her. These are my faves. I was punched in the dick by Michael Douglas. But it may have been worth it.

I'm sure you deserved it. Yeah. So anyway, so... You got a great film recommendation out of it. That one Zorro movie she was in. Very good Zorro movie. It's no that other Zorro movie. It's no Zorro the Gay Blade.

Yeah, right. So anyway, so I'll start this whole thing. So at the audition, I'm sitting across from – here's the guy. Here's the guy. So he's late 40s, early 50s, British accent, dressed entirely in khaki, head-to-toe khaki. And he's sitting next to – Wait, wait. Was it Lawrence of Arabia?

It was not. Okay. Just checking in. And he's sitting next to this girl who is 25, very cute, actressy type, and he's doing like a number game to her. He's doing like a – he's like, think of a number, subtract five, don't tell me what it is, now think of it, you know, A, B, C, you know,

he's doing that. Right. And then he... Sticks his hand up her skirt. Yeah, and then he's like, the holidays are coming up, if you have any little nieces and nephews, I got a joke you can tell them. And then he kind of tells this silly joke that, you know, corny on purpose, ha ha ha ha. So, anyways, I'm thinking, okay, you know, I'm kind of cringing at this i'm like oh here's here's some

hollywood douchebag i'm sure he does this to everybody blah blah blah so i go to the so i get the guy i figure out i get the commercial i go to the fitting this guy is there he got the part he was auditioning for in the same commercial and I walk in on him doing the exact same thing to the costume lady. Verbatim. He has this down. So he does the number game to her and he's like, oh, if you have any little nieces and nephews for Christmas, I got a great joke you can tell them. And he tells

this silly joke and, you know, that is tolerated by the costume lady. She kind of tolerates this and moves on uh the previous woman had celebrated it yes sure she shot her revolvers in the head right she revered it um yeah anyway so you know already i think this guy sucks but you know of course he sucks uh look a gig's a gig you're making the big sure absolutely and everybody else on this commercial unconditionally great the lead of it

was great the director was super nice funny loved to listen to ideas loved for improv and fun on the set had a real good vision for this i you know really liked everybody except this one guy was just awful and he he kind of he kind of persisted with this look at meanness uh like asked everybody what their religion was asked everybody where they grew up and he asked everyone what their religion yeah yes everybody what their religion was which i you know uh is like just casually like while we're waiting for a take we'll ask you what your religion is. Okay. Zoroastrian? Zoroastrian?

Zoroastrian? And there was a... And you know, so then it's annoying, but then it took a turn. So there's a black gentleman in the cast. I presume it was a turn for the better. Just wait. Okay. There's a black gentleman

in the cast. An African American. Meh. Wait. Was it Farnsworth Bentley? It was not. Okay. And so he's asking everybody

where they grew up and then he turns to the African American cast member and he's like, I had to grow up in a rough neighborhood and African American guy says, like, no, I grew up in maine because not exactly

but like it was like no i grew up in maine burlington vermont and then the guy and then british guy says notice they slinging a lot of crack there wow i'm sorry my british accent wasn't good but yes he says so he says this. So he says this. With words? Yes. Not just with his eyes. So I'm, you know, nobody says anything, you know, African-American guy included. Just, you know, a kind of a collective breath holding happens when he said that.

So anyways, and so he, you know, so this is a two day thing and this kind of obnoxious behavior really. I have a question. Do you think it's possible he was just looking for crack? Yeah, may have been, he may have been a crack addict.

Yeah. Okay. Um, so, you know, he does this thing, he's rude to the costume ladies. He's,

you know, he'll go to the bathroom between takes and nobody can find him. He just generally is awful. And there's this PA who he calls Ball Boy. And every time we'll talk about him, he'll do a gay voice. He'll go, where's Ball Boy? Oh, it's Ball – where's Ball Boy? Oh, do you think he's shopping for antiques?

Let's all see Ball Boy. And he limp wrists when he does it and he just like is doing this to people. This is Ball Boy? Ball Boy, yeah. That's a soccer term. He limp wrists when he does it, and he just is doing this to people. This story? Ball boy? Ball boy, yeah. That's a soccer term. The PA is a little bit, he's like indie rock. Now, hold on.

Feminine. Matt knows a lot about gay stuff. Yeah. I said it's a soccer term. Oh, okay. Or football, as the British call it. Right. Or it could be tennis.

They got ball boys in tennis, right? That's actually even more common, probably. Yeah. So he's doing this to – You know where those cute little shorts? That's my brother-in-law. When he was a teenager, he was a ball boy at the Pilot Penn. Not to start a –

No, no, no. This is important. This is good. Hold on. Hold on, Jordan. You have a brother. That's great. One of the warm-up tournaments for the U.S. Open is in New Haven, where my wife grew up.

And so he was a ball boy at this thing every summer. And my wife used to make fun of – my wife and her other brother, they're both older. He's the youngest. The ball boy is the youngest. And he used to – they literally had to do this just so that everybody knew, like, you know, in between points when things were going on. You hold them up in the air and go, I have balls. And that was obviously a great thing to make fun of. I think I still, I think we still maybe say that.

That's a beautiful, that's a beautiful moment. If you're like 13 years old and you find out somebody does that. Yeah. You go, let's say you go to the tennis game and you see. You're a little afraid it's going to be boring. You're 13. You don't want to go to a tennis game. You want to sit around and listen to your records.

You're sick and tired of this Steffi Graf baloney. Sure. You're not ready for one of the funniest misuses of words ever. Yeah. You're bored with Michael Chang. Why can't he play the baseline game? Oh, Michael Chang could. That's all he Michael Chang. Why can't he play the baseline game? Oh, Michael Chang could.

That's all he could do. Oh, the baseline. Wait, which one's the baseline game? Well, that's just, he was not a powerful server,

right? Yeah. He was a little guy. He was a little guy. Yeah. He would just, he would just Asian fella. If I recall,

he would just hit it from the baseline all day long, but, Oh, that's called the baseline game. Yeah. What's he, what'd he, who couldn't something,

something serve and volley. Was that what I should have said? Jesse, you're called the baseline game. Yeah. What's he? Something, something, serve and volley. Was that what I should have said? Jesse, you're so misinformed. Next, you're going to start telling us about how Guitar Hero leads the industry in digital downloads. They don't. It's Rock Band. So, Jordan, I cannot imagine that this man really said these words. Yes, he was actually saying this.

Because I guess if you're a commercial actor, there's no way to know that someone's terrible if he just comes in and does good in the audition. Right, sure, totally. And a commercial audition is so brief. Sometimes you don't even say anything, but mostly it's you come in

and say, you know, where's the coffee? And if nobody, if just by chance, none of the auditioners bring up Jews, then this guy's good as gold. Sure, totally. And it's not like, it's not like his reputation can follow him anywhere because no one, it's like, how would that word get out? Like, oh, there's this British guy, don't cast him.

Yeah, sure, he's awful. I guess if the casting directors, you know, maybe if they spoke more often, I think they should get together more often. These, all these casting directors that i'm imagining in my head uh anyways so yes this guy is saying this and it's it's it's a between take moment and he's doing this ball boy impression and he's limp-wristing around and i i i i said hey you know you should you should cool it on that you don't know if there's you don't know there don't know there might be some gay people on the crew. And he says, oh, well, I'm gay.

I'm gay. Why are you hating? Are you hating on me? Are you hating on me because I'm gay? And I said, no, I'm gay, and that really offends me. He shut up. He didn't look me in the eye for the rest of the time. Nice.

I overheard him saying to somebody, well, everyone's just so politically correct around here. Nobody can have a laugh. Nobody can have a laugh. Everybody's so politically correct. So I heard him doing that. Didn't look me in the eye. And I'm wondering if this was the correct thing to do. Well.

And also, if not, like, I'm sure people... I think this happens. I think people encounter, like, an older person who just has that awful sense of humor. Like, what do you do? What do you do to that? Honestly, I think you made a mistake. Yeah, I probably did.

I'll tell you what I think you did. I think you waited too long. I think you should have told him that you were black. The crack comment. Hey, I'm black. I know there's no blacks here. I know you waited too long. I think you should have told him that you were black. The crack comment. Hey, I'm black. I know there's no blacks here. I know you think there's no blacks here. I'm a white South African.

I was just hoping that that story was going to end with you either giving him a swirly or maybe pantsing him. I just feel like there's no amount. He needed a real comeuppance and i'm worried that you didn't like you did the right thing it should have been violent but it's saying but i i kind of i kind of wanted you to pull his pants down and kick him down a flight of stairs yeah right jordan let me ask you this question um you obviously as you freely admitted did a rather vague English accent. Sure. That was bad, too.

I didn't know it would be that bad. When I was kind of like going over the story in my head, I had a flawless British accent. I was a real Pierce Brosnan in my head. Here's what I'm wondering about. Was it a Pierce Brosnan-y English accent or more of a Terrence Stamp Michael Caine English accent. Liverpwevlian.

Liverpwevlian. I believe the word is liverpudlian. Excuse me. No, I think it's called a Manchester-tonian. Sure. A Manchurian. Manchurian. Big Binnish.

You're saying, you're asking if he was working class or a snob. Yeah, was this guy the kind of guy you'd expect to stick out his pinky while he sipped from his teacup and ate his crustless sandwiches? I'm going to guess from the way you did that bad accent that he was upper crust. This was soccer hooligan. Oh, really? Yeah. Really? Yeah. No, no, no. It wasn't oi, oi, was no i don't know it was i would you say it was oi oi mate yeah i don't

was it uh uh you guys are too young to remember that guy from the energizer commercials no no you know him let's let's hear it there was a. This is just one of those things that in the 80s people loved anything from Australia. So like this guy came along and he was just this dumb muscle-bound Australian guy. And he would just go, oi! And I don't even remember his name. How did that so batter you? He was a phenomenon. It was like Max Headroom.

You guys have heard of Max Headroom? I remember Max Headroom. This guy was like Max Headroom was to guys have heard of Max Headroom. I remember Max Headroom. This guy was like Max Headroom was to Pepsi. This guy was to Energizer. Did you guys have this problem when you were that age that you couldn't really distinguish between forms of media and fiction and reality? I feel like this problem came up the most for me with Mr. T, who was traveling between media. Oh, God. You could not pin him down.

But I think crossover television shows really perplexed me. Like, what was the one with Nell Carter? Didn't she go from one show to another show as the same character? No. Well, you're thinking of – well, you might be thinking of – Well, Arnold from Happy Days, I know, was basically just on every show for a while. That was before. Yeah.

Well, there was those all those gary marshall shows yeah i think are somehow connected they're in the same universe like he insisted he was basically gary verse gary the gary marshall verse he was really ahead of his time would you call it the gary verse of the marshall verse uh no the marshall verse sounds like it takes place at the store marshall but But the Garyverse, that's clear. The Marshallverse is just the set of occurrences that could take place in discount retailer Marshalls. But I'm worried that the Garyverse sounds too much like just everything that happens in the city of Gary, Indiana. Or just anything that could happen to a guy named Gary.

Like, for example, he goes to the barbershop and has his mustache trimmed. Honestly, the first thing I thought when you said Garyverse was Gary Trudeau. And who wouldn't? Who wouldn't think of the biting satire of Doonesbury? Or Gary Unmarried on CBS. I mean, the show hasn't gone on for long enough to establish that mythology. But I think once they get into, you know. You know, here's my question.

I'm sure they call it the Gary. They've got their Gary Bible. Sure, exactly. Would this happen to a Gary? It doesn't make it in the show, but you know that information is there. It's just something he carries inside of him. He was molested as a child. Jay Moore's character was molested.

I know a lot about the show Gary Unmarried because our friend Al Madrigal was on it. There was a pretty dramatic switch in the Garyverse when Al Madrigal got fired along with everyone else on the show besides Jay Moore. Oh, no. Including the writers and everyone. They did a reboot? They completely rebooted it. So the whole first season was just a dream? Well, yeah.

One of those things. Here's the thing. I mean, if you've got a likable talent like Jay Moore, you want to build a show around him. You cannot accept failure. If it doesn't work the first time, just go back to the drawing board and do it again. And you know what I think it needed? Ah, shit. I can't.

What's that woman that's married to David Duchovny? Robert Redford. I think that's a callback to a joke that we were talking about before the show started, Jordan. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, you're right. It totally was. I thought we were on microphone when we were talking. That's so totally on you.

But you guys thought that was funny. Yeah, yeah. It was funny. Well, America, you're just going to have to take America number one. Why are all of you listening to this podcast? That's a first. Yeah, that's weird. I'm glad they picked this one, though.

No, well, you got a chance to plug your business, reading scripts. Right. If you need a script read, actually do not call me because I'm trying to get out of that. You're getting out of the business. What, you're going to start a new business? Dog walker. No. Get yourself a Honda Element.

Become a lesbian. Start walking dogs. You've got to wrap the element, too. You've got to get a wrap. There might be lesbians here. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Mr. Lesbian is here. Just because your wife went to Sarah Lawrence doesn't mean you get to throw that word around willy-nilly.

Everyone at Sarah Lawrence really is a lesbian. Yeah, I know. Why do you think they named it that? My wife has so many lesbian friends. Jesse, are you a beard? Yeah, I think I am. Oh, man. And frankly, she for I.

Oh, okay. As proven by the way you phrased that sentence. Yeah. she for I. Oh, okay. As proven by the way you phrased that sentence. Yeah. She for I. Jordan, getting... Wait, was that in your vows, by the way? Getting back to... I promise.

I promise to tell people that I have sex with this man. And she for I. No, I just meant, was the phrase she for I in your vows? Because it sounds very formal and like... Churchy. No, but it was in like the power chant of my 1980s cartoon series. Wow. Wait, we never got, I got to explain what Nell Carter did.

Okay. Or didn't do. Okay. Or didn't. What I was going to say is the maid from Different Strokes went to be the house mother on what's the – What's happening? No, the show with the girls at the boarding school. You take the good, you take the bad.

Okay. Shoes on that? No, there's another show that I'm thinking of. There was a show where a mom was in the ghetto on one of the shows, but then she was the maid of a rich family or something like that in a different show. Yeah, that's Marla Gibbs, who was on The Jeffersons. She was the maid on The Jeffersons, and then she was the mother on 227, but were not no i'm because i didn't watch those those are 70s shows it was an 80s show okay nell carter was on give me a break give me a break but i think that's what i'm thinking i

don't think that spun off of anything i well that's the problem i couldn't distinguish between reality and fiction right and of course she was living in my real house at the time. Of course. It was your maid. Maybe that's what you're thinking of. It is. We were extraordinarily rich. Are you Joey Lawrence?

We made her an offer. She couldn't refuse. That's why you don't see her acting much anymore. She gets the real money. She knows the real money is being a domestic help at the Thorne household. That reminds me. I didn't have the problem you're talking about where not distinguishing reality from fictional sitcoms. But I did have the problem where when I was really young, I didn't understand that the opening sequence of a show is the same every week.

But I thought that was just part of the show. And so when Nell Carter, she sticks the vacuum cleaner in a fish tank accidentally at the beginning of give me a break she's leaning over and she goes oops and it starts sucking up all the and i was like every week she lets that happen why won't you learn horrible she was thick thick-headed yeah um she was also thick tell me about it a whole lot of woman. Hello. Jordan. Yes.

I don't know if what you did was morally correct. Sure. Might not have been. There might, sure. Especially with all these politically correct types running around. I know. No one likes to have a laugh. My question is, were you the hero of the set that day? Was everyone like, thank you for-

Well, I don't know, because here's the thing. They don't... A, the other people on the set had never met Jordan besides the audition. Right. So they don't know that he's straight. That's a good point. Number one. But still calling him on it.

I mean, either way, he called him on his shit. I didn't do it in a big public way. We were just... It was just kind of between... That's even worse. He was just kind of standing next to each other. And I think he didn't joke around for the rest of the shoot. And I didn't, you know.

Anyway. Jordan. I'm a little disappointed in you. Jordan. You should have made a scene. It should have been a slam. Yeah, you should have been. And I should have gone, oh.

You guys should have had a cipher where everyone was rapping. And then you just took him down. Everyone was building. Everyone was building knowledge. Jordan, I mean, for one thing, you missed the opportunity to do something really gay to punctuate your point. That's something that the gay community has that those of us in the straight community do not have is the ability to do something really gay after we say something for emphasis.

Yeah. You know? You mean like snapping in the air any of the i mean there's a variety of things and i'm but i want to be clear a dog like a child i want to be clear i want to be clear that uh i certainly don't believe that all uh gay men participate in these things right uh relatively few do but all I'm saying is that they can if they want to. You see what I'm saying? If they have a situation come up where they need to do that, they have that arrow in their quiver.

And Jordan, you built a quiver on your back with that arrow in it and then just left it in there. Yeah. But, you know, I think I was also – I'm pretty self-conscious that I can't pass as gay. Like I don't seem like a – Oh, you could pass as gay. Don't worry about that at all. Okay. You're fine.

You're all set. I think you can absolutely pass as gay. That's not even a slam. I'm just saying you – This is 2009. Sure. Yeah. You're well-kept.

Well. You keep yourself – This coming from a man who on the podcast-a-thon, saw Jordan wearing underwear that he got for free. Promotional underwear. That was the wrong size. That was a low moment. But I'm just saying, you've got a nice pair of jeans on.

You've got a nice, this must be a Christmas sweater. I mean, this is about as nice as I'll look. Yeah. This is about as nice as I'll look. Yeah, but it's totally within reason that you could be a good-looking young gay man. I feel like every straight guy has the story that they tell kind of proudly about the time the gay guy hit on them. Right, right, right. They're like, I know, okay. And it'll be with that kind of like, I'm totally not gay tone.

But this one time, there was this dude. He's like, can I buy a drink? And I had to say, okay, I'm not, you know, and it'll be like with that kind of like, I'm totally not gay tone. But this one time there was this dude and he's like, can I buy a drink? And I had to say, sorry, I'm not gay. I don't have that. I feel like every single straight guy has it, but I don't. I've never been. I feel kind of bad. I feel when people tell that story, I feel kind of bad about it because in my life, I have been presumed to be gay so many times. Like, so many times.

Like at your wedding when you were saying your vows. Dozens and dozens and dozens of times people have presumed that I was gay. Never has a gay man presumed that I was gay. They know I'm not gay. Right. To them, it's obvious that I'm not gay. So I have never been hit on by a gay man. I've never had a gay man think that i was gay right as many women and straight men as have assumed that i was gay and

have like professed to me surprised that i wasn't gay out loud in an inappropriate manner uh i have never had that experience where a gay guy hits on you and you're like well i'm not gay and he's like oh what can i do you're just so handsome and you're like, well, I'm not gay. And he's like, oh, what can I do? You're just so handsome. And you're like, oh, thanks. Well, let's have a drink. Yeah. That's never happened to me either. But there's two different things.

And I think the thing that you hear people bragging about more is the gay man not caring if you're gay or not and just hitting on you anyway. They're not presuming you're gay. They're just hoping you're open to experimentation. Sure. not presuming you're gay they're just hoping you're open to experimentation sure uh but yeah like because i think most people most gay or straight most reasonable people have a decent sense of like a vibe you know if they're talking to someone they can maybe sense like okay we have a rapport i can sort of see you know only the truly socially inept would be like uh gee do you want to have sex with me i don't care if you're gay or not like just that that's not that's not regular uh that's not

normal one time a guy showed me his dick was that gay uh where was that i have done poppers that was that was in a gay bar. Oh, okay. Well, that's fine. That's normal, right? It's like watching a football game type situation. Sure. Jordan, what I'm saying is I'm not sure if what you did was moral,

but I do think that it's one of the best things I've ever known anyone to do. Fair enough. Well, hey, then I want to ask this. In the same way that, like, for example, James Brown beat his wives. Yeah. I still love James Brown. Okay. So it's not – and I – so I think in the same way, I'm not going to – I'm just not going to engage the morality of – So you're saying, like, James Brown – So when James Brown beat his wives – It's immoral to beat the morality. Okay. So you're saying like James Brown.

So when James Brown beat his wives. But it was amazing. It was the way he, you should have seen how he did it. Yeah. Halfway through he would kneel. Someone would put a cape on him. He would throw off the cape and keep beating the wives. And then like he would beat them so hard he would sweat through his shoes.

I don't know if you guys know that. He literally lost 20 pounds of weight just in sweat per beating. He's the hardest working man in beating. He's a sex machine who also beats. Did you guys know that if one of his bats... He's the godfather of beating. If one of his bats

missed a swing, he would fine it $100. Nice. His beaten bats. Anyway, go ahead, Jordan. It's okay. So I think what I did. He has a belt buckle that says GFOB. Yeah. That was during his mustache period.

Do you think that guy came in before he shined? He abused his wife and said, ladies and gentlemen, please, please welcome the hottest beaten man in show business. Soul beater number one. Don't beat me. Give me some more. Don't give me some more. Stop beating me. Please stop.

Please, please, please don't beat me. Let a man get up and beat his wife. Bewildered by the beating. Papa's got a brand new beating. It's a man's world to beat his wife in. James Brown. Yeah. You guys, I don't know if you've heard the original recording of James Brown beating his wife at the Apollo.

It is amazing. I mean, if you can get that on vinyl, like a nice heavy stock vinyl, by all means do it. Gotta get it in mono. That's what he intended. Oh, yeah. And don't get that shit at Best Buy. That's a reissue. You gotta get the original. Okay. Sorry, Jordan. So what I get that shit at Best Buy. That's a reissue. You got to get the original.

Okay. Sorry, Jordan. So what I'm saying, I think, is that it was a great move. Okay. So I think what I did was crass. And while it shut the guy up, you know, no one is any better off. Like, you know. Yeah.

It kind of didn't quite have the effect because he was still annoying the shit out of everyone. Yeah. I mean, he's still, you know, I don't know. So I guess my question is, when you do encounter this usually old. I mean, what? still annoying the shit out of everyone yeah i mean he's still you know i don't know so so i guess my question is when you do encounter this usually i mean what jordan one mistake you did make yeah and this is an honest mistake that you did make is that you asserted that the reason he shouldn't say horrible homophobic things was there might be a gay person around that was a weird way to say it i have to be totally totally i'm sure it was in the moment you were just trying to say

something that wasn't too aggressive. Yeah, I mean, I didn't – sure. It's like, listen, dude. I know they're fucking hilarious. I know they're hilarious when they mince around with their little dogs, but come on. Yeah, exactly. Sure. And yeah, I was just trying to –

You're trying to give him a hint, basically. I didn't want – yeah, I just thought that would be enough for him to stop doing the joke and I could stop being horrified and concentrate on – But you're saying what do you do when there's a clueless middle-aged person who is politically incorrect and you just want them to stop? To be fair, this guy – it seems like this guy was also bigoted. Yeah. Yeah, no, I mean this is – yeah, sure. This is someone – this is an awful person with psychological problems. Right, yeah.

Saying politically incorrect, that's the wrong term. I'm politically incorrect. And I mean, that's to say nothing of leading the British Army through the desert of Arabia. Yeah, I mean, do you cut him some slack for that? I mean, that's kind of like, he's a hero. You know what I'd cut him some slack for? Was he wearing Gurkha shorts?

Because I love Gurkha shorts. Instead of a belt, it has a belt built into it with buckles on the side. Gurkha shorts? Because I love Gurkha shorts. Instead of a belt, it has a belt built into it with buckles on the side. Yeah. Gurkha shorts. You can adjust those buckles. You can adjust the buckles. Oh, you bet. You bet.

They cross over in the front and buckle at the side. Gurkha shorts. Anyway, I'm sorry, Jordan. I interrupted you. No, no, that's okay. I was hoping I knew you guys were going to talk about soul caliber. I thought maybe me and Matt could talk about Gurkha shorts. I don't know why you think I'm in on Gurkha shorts.

Let's talk about Gurkha shorts. You like Gurkhas? Nope. Desert boots? No. Piff helmet? Yes. Okay.

None of that other shit. We found some common ground. Piff helmet. I never really thought about this, but you're supposed to run at somebody with your head down. Oh, I'm sorry, Jordan. Piff helmet. Thank you. Okay, Jordan, go ahead.

So I think usually when this kind of thing comes up, it's like, you know, it's an uncle or something at dinner. And it's just the person trying to be funny, but accidentally being awful. So what's the protocol other than saying you're the thing they're making fun of to make them feel awful well here's one thing i mean my uncle thinks that i'm gay so if he's when he does that when he does that it's an act of aggression sure he still thinks you're gay no no none of my family members okay they don't even know gay people. What? My cousin, my cousin, I talked about this on, well, I have an aunt who lives in the, here's the thing. My father doesn't have a lot of family alive. My mother has three sisters, one of whom lives in the Bay Area, two of whom live in the Washington, D.C. area in Virginia.

And my mom's sister, who lives in in the Bay Area is a militant lesbian. Sincerely militant. Not that she... She has weapons. She has a stockpile of weapons for the lesbian, the coming lesbian conflict. I love my aunt a lot and is probably one of the family members I'm closest to, but

she had to make me an honorary woman in order to like me. I swear to God. When I was like eight. Okay. Just real, true story. Starting to understand why people think you're gay. Okay. So that's that one member of the family.

The other two, one of them lives in Arlington, and she is a real estate agent and is just about what you might imagine a real estate agent in Arlington, Virginia would be like. In good ways and bad. A great lady. A suburban, regular American. agent in arlington virginia would be like um in good ways and bad a great lady a suburban literally the most suburban person i've ever known in my entire life i don't i know again no ill will toward her at all she's a great lady but there you go and my other aunt lives in uh fredericksburg virginia which is not that far away but a world away a world away from washington dc

my cousin she's sling crack my cousin came to visit me did i talk about what my about my cousin Not that far away, but a world away. A world away from Washington, D.C. My cousin. Is she sling crack? My cousin came to visit me. Did I talk about my cousin coming to visit me on Jordan, Jesse, Go Jordan? My cousin comes to visit me. We have dinner with him. We find out, yeah, he works in a coal mine. Oh.

Wow. Yeah. Okay. Works in a coal mine. He's a canary because get him out of there. Yeah. He is. He might go one day. He'll go oneary because get him out of there. Yeah. If he is. He might go one day

he'll go one step too far. Sure. So yeah, they don't know any guys. Gotcha. Anyways. But the way to deal with it, see,

I don't know because I avoid conflict at all costs. So I would just Yeah. I would just sort of I think in my head be like

I'm not going to laugh or respond to this and that will send the message. Like, oh, this guy, he's going to just be burning with shame when I don't laugh at his joke. And then the reality is that it totally doesn't register and it just keeps happening. Would you try and shoot daggers from your eyes? Oh, yeah. Well, no, I wouldn't even go that far because that's aggressive. Those daggers can hurt. Would you just skulk?

Skulk away? Is that possible? No, I think I'd probably just roll my eyes and then laugh about it with my wife later. Did you know that there's skunks in my neighborhood? I see skunks on the street in the city of Los Angeles. What's a skink? What is a skink? It's something.

Are we playing board games? We don't know what it is. We are. Pick a number in your head. Don't tell me what it is. Five. Have sex with me. I will.

Good. Because I am gay. If you have any little nieces and nephews. Yes. Here's a joke you can tell them. Yes. So you're wondering, Jordan, what the best way to handle that situation is? Yeah, like do you – I mean I feel like when I hear it, I just assume that this person is so set in their ways that anything I say is just –

Let me try one thing on you. Yeah, sure, sure. Because like I just said, I'm too cowardly to do this. But we can – this is a safe place right here. We're just doing some role play. Yeah, sure, sure. Let's role play it. But first I want to be –

I'm Batman. You're Batgirl. You're Commissioner Gordon. Wait a minute. This is going to get sexy pretty fast. I automatically don't like this because Batgirl shouldn't be in this universe. She's a cheesy character. Let's get her out of there.

Batgirl needs to be in this. Number one, Batgirl needs to be in this universe. And number two, in this universe. Who will eventually be the Oracle, Matt? Oh, God. I don't know. But here, I just want to... You be the guy.

I hope that's right. Please do not email me. Email Jordan. His email address is not public, but email him. Don't bother me with your Batman-related emails. Just be the guy, and I'm going to be what I think maybe a better way to handle this would be. Hey, mate. Mexicans are a certain way.

Dude, you're not funny. Shut up. I like it. Is that too... Yeah, maybe closer. I think the dude softens it a little. Yeah. I worked a lot on this, you guys.

I was sent this transcript of this. I guess this is all scripted. Right. And I studied the transcript and I thought long and hard, how am I going to do this? Well, technically it's retro scripted. We perform it first and script it. Type it up. Do some punch up.

I'll read it. Yeah, so I've been working on this for a couple of months actually. And I think that's the way to go. Okay. Thoughts? I would start a fight with months, actually, and I think that's the way to go. Okay. Thoughts? I would start a fight with him. Okay, like a fist fight. Jordan, you've seen me start fights with people.

Oh, sure. As long as there's not going to be any violence involved, I'm all too happy to start a fight with someone. I've never seen that, and I can't imagine you doing it. Really? How does that work? Can you really not imagine me starting a fight? Because that's very kind of you. If you believe that, then...

If you mean on the internet, then I totally believe it. Oh, but what I'm like on the internet is what i'm like in real life i don't that's weird i've never really seen you well that's because in real life i don't have to deal with internet bullshit really like even at the store you don't see someone who's what are some what are some times blaming you what what are some times what are some times that we interact? We interact at a social occasion, a holiday party. We interact in a podcast context. We interact when we see each other at a comedy show. We're enjoying ourselves. None of those situations involve anyone being a dick to me

or saying something racist, sexist, classist. All right, so now I'll be the guy and you be you being how you deal with assholes or racist people. Okay. You ready? You can use my racist joke. Is Jordan Poison Ivy? Jordan is the Riddler. Yes.

But the Jim Carrey Riddler. Okay. I can do that. So you have to do other characters within the Riddler. Right, the Riddler. For no reason. Can I be Chris O'Donnell Robin? I just love Chris O'Donnell.

Wait, I have a better idea. Can I be LL Cool J from NCIS Los Angeles? Oh, my God. You know, no, you cannot. LL Cool J from Deep Blue Sea. Yes, of course. And I'll be the shark. Can I be Jerome from Purple Rain?

The guy who holds the mirror? Yeah, yeah. Okay. You can be whoever you want later. But now I want you to be you dealing with a racist asshole. Right, okay. Me, Jerome from Purple Rain, dealing with a racist asshole. Okay, I kind of missed your joke because I was gearing up for my thing.

It was something about Mexicans. Oh, I just said Mexicans are a certain way. That's a non-joke. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to go back to your original story and be more truthful to the character and say, Oh, bald boy, where's the bald boy? I don't think that's appropriate. What do you mean? I'm just having fun. I think you're being hom bald boy? I don't think that's appropriate. What do you mean?

I'm just having fun. I think you're being homophobic. I don't like it. I would start shit. I would start a fight in a job. Are we still in character? No. This is weird.

I broke out of character. Who are you talking to? What's happening? No, I'm LL. Oh, okay, okay. Sorry. Get down! I'm sure he tells people to get down a lot on that show.

That's what he does on the show. Yeah. But I mean, because he's about to start dancing and rapping. Here's the thing. Like when, I mean, for somebody that is liberal with the gay slurs as I am on this program. You do it with love, though. Oh, absolutely. Not even as a joke. And people know that. Yeah, no, I am on this program. You do it with love, though. Oh, absolutely. Not even as a joke. And people know that.

No, I think that's true. I think that's why no one is upset by it. But for someone who is like that, I have an absolute surfeit of self-righteousness in those areas. And I'll bust it out. I'll bust out some American studies-ass shit on people. If it comes up, I will do it.

But what I wonder is if I was going to lose my job American studies ass shit on people. Yeah, I mean... If it comes up, I will do it. But I don't... But what I wonder is, if I was going to lose my job, would I still... Or if I could... It'd be hard to lose your job, but if I was going to make everything awful for something that had an end date, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Because that's the thing. You know that in 24 hours, this is all over. Sure. Yeah, I would probably just suck it up and try to walk away from it. I think I might not suck it up. And I want to be clear here. When I say, I would probably just suck it up and try to walk away from it. I think I might not suck it up. And I want to be clear here.

When I say that I would not suck it up, I'm not saying this because I am such a great person who always fights the good fight. I'm saying this is a character flaw. You're a belligerent SOB. I'm belligerent. I am a belligerent man. Yeah, that's weird.

I did not know that about you. I'll start some shit. Don't fuck with me, Belknap. Well, I kind of want to now just to see what will happen. Yeah, it's weird. I did not know that about you. I'll, I'll start some shit. Don't fuck with me. Belknap. Well, I kind of want to now just to see what will happen. It'll probably be cool. Yeah.

I mean, maybe max fun con we can now here's, here's a secondary part of it though. If it looks like violence is going to start up, I'm out of there. I'm crying. Right. Right.

I will literally cry. Don't cry. You curl up into a ball and roll away. Yeah. I'll, I'll fucking, I'll take it to 10 unless there's violence involved yeah i once accidentally made a girl cry in junior state of america wow but if there's violence i'm terrified of violence have you ever been punched yes

really i have never been punched i guess i've been punched but not like not in like in in a real way like in a real like this i've a fight. I've never been in a fight. This is something we talked about on Join the CEO before. But once somebody just punched me in the face walking down the street. Oh, a total stranger. Yeah. Wow. But it wasn't a fight because I just started crying.

They laughed at me and then kept walking. How old were you? Maybe 15. Wow. 13 maybe. Somewhere between 13 and 15. Have you been in a fight? No, not 15.

I'm going to say 13. Yeah. I was in a playground fight in fourth grade. Okay. Yeah. And the punches were thrown. Yeah, there was punching and... I mean, I could see where, Jordan, where you wouldn't want to get into a fight because you have, number one, the killer instinct.

Sure. And number two, the karate... I have played killer instinct. I have both killer instinct games. Number two, the karate skills. Sure. Because I know you were a karate student. Yeah.

Man, have you ever studied the martial arts? No. But I've studied Marshall Mathers, his lyrics, his work. He's very aggressive. And as an American Studies major, I read a lot of Marshall McLuhan. Wait, man, would you back me up if I started making more specific killer instinct references? Oh, sure. Absolutely.

If I started talking about Fulgore. Yeah. You know, that was a game that I never had an N64 or whatever it was on. Was it Super Nintendo or N64? It was Super Nintendo. The first one was on Super Nintendo and the second one was on N64. Can we please? But it was in the arcade, too.

Yeah, that's where I honed my killer instinct skill. I had fun with the home version. I'm sorry. Guys, please. That's why it got version. I'm sorry. Guys, please. I'm sorry. Can we please talk about baseball stars? Can we just meet halfway and talk about the SNK crushers? Let me finish my jag about Sabrewolf.

I'm trying to talk about the – S-A-B-R-E-W-U-L-F. I'm trying to talk about American Dreams versus Ninja Black Sox here. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. We haven't – Combo breaker. I feel like we haven't resolved anything. No. American Dreams vs. Ninja Black Sox here. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I feel like we haven't resolved anything except that Matt found out about my dark side. I'm glad. Matt, I'm glad that you

think I'm... It had to come out someday. The greatest terror in my life personally is that people will think of me as being a belligerent bully. That you're terrified of that. That's the thing that I'm most afraid of.

I'm most self-conscious about it. Then you're doing great because I don't think anyone thinks that. Thank you. Jordan, shut up. We'll be back in just a second. I was just going to call. Shut up. Shut up.

Oh, is this what you're talking about? I see the rage coming. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Matt Belknap. Some other thing.

How do you like this? How do you like this? The voice. I got a weird, like, for a guy who really doesn't need or deserve a nickname, I've got a lot, like, over the years, and especially... I would say that you're friends with our friend Jimmy Pardo, your co-host on the script reading podcast, Never Not Funny.

And I would imagine that one of the primary benefits of working with Jimmy Pardo is he's always making up a new nickname for you. Yeah. I mean, there's really been the two big ones, which is the producer, which is just my job title. Not really a nickname, actually, now that I think about it. And then the entrepreneur, which is just a joke because I'm not an entrepreneur. You don't have an entrepreneurial spirit. Yeah, well, I might have the spirit. I just don't have the skills.

Okay. To be fair, you have tried to get a small business loan before. You know, that's what's funny. I do technically run a small business, and yet I didn't get a loan, and I wonder now why I didn't and maybe I should have. It just seemed like a lot of hassle. You should have gotten a loan to finance this whole operation. Yeah, I just didn't get a loan, and I wonder now why I didn't and maybe I should have. It just seemed like a lot of hassle. You should have gotten a loan to finance this whole operation.

Yeah, I just didn't need it. Like, what do you need? You run a business here. You've got the equipment. You never took a loan out. Oh, you wouldn't believe the loans I took out. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

I'm in hock. Are you really deep? My grandmother's jewels are at the pawn shop right now. Oh, jeez. I had to buy microphones. I'll tell you. You know how I ended up in debt that I couldn't pay back? Microphone flags.

You and your microphone flags. Nick, a producer, editor of the Sound of Young America, Nick White, tells me, if we want to look professional on camera at the Sundance Film Festival, we need microphone flags. I'm like, what the fuck is a microphone? Number one, I don't even know what a microphone flag is. He explains to me it's the thing with the logo that sticks onto the microphone. So probably costs $12.

And here's the thing. I'm with Jordan on this. That sounds fun. I'd love to have my own microphone flag. No, you know, they're actually very expensive. There's only a handful of people that make them. I Google microphone flags. I call these people up. These things cost $60 each. I'm going'm gonna spend a hundred and i'm already in i've already convinced myself to

do this i'm gonna spend 180 on microphone flags i didn't even know what they were more than one because there's more than one microphone what why well it's not just going to be Jesse's monologue. It's not like Alistair Cook on America. I pictured you walking around the snow-filled streets of whatever, Park City, and it's just you, cameraman, and you're sticking microphones in people's faces. Oh, no, no. What are you doing? Oh, we've got a ski chalet studio set up. Okay, so that's weird. studio set up okay so that's weird like i think in that setting a microphone flag is kind of i don't want to say gauche but i am gonna say it gauche the microphone flag is i'm gonna say

i'm gonna say it's a little bit get a couple say, Yves Saint Laurent poem? How you say Coco Chanel? Access Hollywood? I mean, I'm picturing your mics are going to be on stands, right? Yeah, but they're going to be on table stands. Okay, I guess in that case it works. Okay, I'm back in. I'm back in.

But I just feel like, okay, my entrepreneurial spirit is kicking in, and I feel like now we need to start a business for all these web series and web shows and all this stuff where people have small budgets, but they still need a microphone flag that would cost five cents to make if you could just hook up with the manufacturer. Let's start making microphone flags, guys. Come on. Let's break big microphone flag down.

Bring them to their knees. Yeah, then we go after big steel. The big three. Did you know that in Venezuela, Hugo Chavez has nationalized microphone flags? As well he should. Because the indigenous people need flags for their microphones. Yes. And the colonialists won't let them have them.

It's insane. It's a tale as old as time. It's outrageous. A song as old as time. It's outrageous. A song as old as rhyme. Beauty and the Beast. Matt, we try not to sing a lot on our podcast. I know that's... I'm sorry.

I have to bring my own flavors. Sure. No, no, yeah. Look. Sure. I'm dressed as Angela Lansbury from the film Beauty and the Beast. So it was at the top of his mind. I couldn't hold my tongue any longer.

It had to come out. You know, Matt, on our program, I know, look, I'm a realist. I understand that you and Jimmy don't listen to our show. I just don't have the time. I'd love to listen to it. Look, I understand. Jordan doesn't listen to our show. No.

Jordan's not listening to my own show. Jordan's not listening to me right now. Hey, Jordan. Jordan. Jordan. Hey, Matt. You remember not listening to me right now. Hey, Jordan. Jordan. Jordan. Hey, Matt. You remember Fulgore? Yeah.

Give it our instinct. See, this is what I'm talking about. It's like a combo breaker. On our show. What? On our show, we have a segment called Momentous Occasions, where we ask our listeners to call in when something amazing is happening to them to share that thing with us. And we've got some great momentous occasions here to share.

And we have to listen to them yes i'm kidding it's better than listening to pat francis to be fair wow that's not true pat francis man i you know what the opposite of fair uh pat just took a shot at a guy who's not here when when when bat francis was at max fun. Did you just call him Bat Francis? Because that's actually his credit when he writes on the Halloween episodes of The Simpsons. Yay. Yay. I had never had the chance to spend any time with Bat Francis. Great guy.

He is. Super nice. Super nice, funny, cool guy But he also has a dark side like you He seems super nice What's his dark side? Let's say someone Jokingly insulted him on a podcast That could End badly for you

It is like you were saying I think Pat Francis is really great He's a sweet guy I think he's great i love i think pat francis he's a sweet guy he's i think he's i think he's great on your show yeah he's funny he's affable he's laid back but like if you set him off on something the wrong topic wrong day well you may have even heard it on our show he doesn't like michael jackson and uh got very angry when i i stood up for the side of the argument that says we don't know what happened. I remember.

I had to stop listening because I love Michael Jackson. Yeah, and you know what? Here's the truth. And my self-righteous side was kicking in in favor of my man Michael. Well, the thing was I had been reading your feverish posts in the days following Michael Jackson's death. And I was like – I got you worked up. days following Michael Jackson's death.

And I was like, I got you worked up. Well, I was like, Jesse's taking it, uh, pretty hard and, and,

uh, and maybe getting a little too, maybe getting a little nutty about this whole thing. But I, I was, I kind of had your perspective in mind and I felt like I needed to defend it. I want to be clear, Matt.

Number one, I appreciate you defending me. Number two, not you, but just that side of the argument. I made a, I made a Michael Jackson podcast that I think made it clear that I wasn't going batty. It was very balanced. Yeah, I meant to listen to that, but I just didn't have the time.

Sure. Let's go to Momentous Occasions. Hey, Jordan, just to go, this is Donovan in Austin with a Momentous Occasion. I was walking down the street today and saw a guy wearing a nice black and white, small print houndstooth sports jacket. And I was rather impressed by it. So I passed him. I kind of looked sideways at him because I wanted to see what he was wearing. Well, as I looked at him,

he looks at me directly back in the eyes. And I continue walking past him because I feel uncomfortable now. And he starts singing Shine On You Crazy Diamond by Pink Floyd. He sings about a bar of it, and then from behind me yells, do you like that song? There's a lot of crazy people in downtown Austin.

I did not think he was one of them. I went back to work, and later he walked by the window, and as he walked by, he kind of looked at me and did a weird little kind of slinky like dance step past the store so um uh anyway that's it do you think i misunderstood this segment right out of the gate do not know why you thought it was supposed to be momentous i don't know i mariel mariel our our uh great intern here at maximum fun world headquarters screen this week's calls i am gonna you didn't even bother to listen to these Mariel, our great intern here at Maximum Fun World Headquarters, screened this week's calls. You didn't even bother to listen to these before?

She screened them. And you trust her. I want a fresh response. Here's my fresh response. I like the fact that he works right in front of a window where the guy can do a dance past it. I think he works on the Austin Today Show. Good morning, Austin. I think he's the... Good morning, Austin.

I think he's the... What's the fat guy with the weather? Al Roker. Al Roker. He's not fat anymore. I think he's the Al Roker of Austin. Yeah, Al Roker looks great. Yeah, now he's just pleasantly plump. Okay.

Sorry. Sorry. I'm going to guess... You know that I haven't been tweeting about Al Roker, right? Right. Okay, so there's no need to... Yeah, I don't want to... I was on a plane recently. You know how on a't been tweeting about Al Roker, right? Right. Okay, so there's no need to... Yeah, I don't want to... I was on a plane recently, and you know how on a plane after the movie they'll show just bits of,

you know, here's your favorite NBC programming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They showed a bit from the Today Show where Al Roker had a wax figure made of himself at Madame Tussauds. When you say he had it made of himself was did they offer to make one no no he made it himself and he pushed it in he forced open the doors i was thinking he bought his way in yeah he's like listen here's the deal a hundred grand for the hall of the presidents and 500 grand for the rock and roll hall of Fame win. I love that impression, by the way. That was a spot-on broker.

Yeah, perfect broker, right? Yeah, it's eerie. What's weird is he's black, but he doesn't sound black. Right. Hey, man. That was offensive. What was? People are so politically incorrect these days.

Oh, wait, sorry. What was? People are so politically incorrect these days. Why don't you shut your fat face? You limey bastard. Wait, now I'm Al Roker again? You're a combination. You've become a hybrid human of Al Roker and a racist British guy.

He wasn't fat, right? Huh? He wasn't fat? No, no, this guy was wiry. Okay. But Al Roker... Probably had sc? No, no, this guy was wiry. Okay. But Al Roker... Probably had scurvy, right, Jesse? That's a callback to a pay episode of your podcast.

Check it out. 149 audio, 249 video. Podcast.com. Robert Redford. Let's just listen to another... Wait, wait, can I tell my Al Roker story? Okay, Al Roker. It's not even that good.

It's just how a thing he did wasn't funny. He didn't think there was – so he had the wax figure made of himself, and what they did was he would stand there really – they replaced the figure with him. He would stand there really still, and the thing is when people were coming up looking at it, he would scare them. But – and this – okay, this is a five-minute piece of him doing this. This is five minutes of him. Can I ask one question first? Yes, you may. Did they rub him down with Vaseline to make him look a little –

Yes, they did. They did? Oh, I love it. I love it. Yes, there's a scene of him getting some sort of mask applied. Good, because otherwise – They don't get the shine with Vaseline. They use super fine steel wool, double zero steel wool.

Jeez. Sounds painful. But all he could – either all he could think to say or all they let him say was how you doing how you doing every time the same thing basically sometimes you'd say how's it going or what you do but yeah there's yeah there's well there's a there's an executive at the today show who's in charge of making sure that Roker only speaks in interrogative. They're like, look, he can only make assertions about weather. This man does not have on-camera credibility making non-weather assertions.

It's weather assertions and interrogatives. Questions to the audience. Yeah. How's it going? Hey there. Hey, guys. This is Zach. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I'm currently driving from Milwaukee down to see my parents in Alabama with a big sheet of cardboard duct taped to my passenger side window

because someone broke into my car the day before I had to drive 700 miles. So it's a little annoying, but I'm doing all right. A couple funny things about it. Thank God. No, good. This is going to be good. He decided I already had a taped deck.

I also, the only other thing really in the car was I had a few books for a research paper I've been working on. I'm waiting for a good pun. It's nice that he left those because now I don't have to call the police and ask them to check around the pawn shops for a copy of Michel Foucault's On the Order of Things. See, he got Foucault in there. That's funny. All right. Weddings. Graduations.

Receiving an award. A prestigious award. M.M. Bakhtin. These are the kinds of things we need people to be calling in about. Just, if nothing else, look up the word momentous. Look. Quinceañeras. Walter Benjamin. Thank you. Yes. We need people to be calling in about, just if nothing else, look up the word momentous. Look, quinceañeras. Walter Benjamin.

Thank you. Yes. The Brene Brith Award. Shabbat. Brene Brith. I'm from Denver, Colorado. I just had a momentous occasion. Today is December 23rd. I just walked into Starbucks and I saw a fat man with a white beard dressed in a Santa Claus costume sitting at a table and doing a tarot card reading.

That's pretty good. That's pretty solid. At least that's funny. I mean, that's not, I don't know, I don't understand why any of this is momentous. Have you ever seen that? No. So it's something, it's really something, right? I guess so.

It's had a little bit of momentum, which is the root of the word momentum i'm not sure that's true um well let me ask i can't ask him he's not on the phone he just he just recorded this and sent it in right sometimes you can demand for people to call back with something they rarely do though did he pull the card of death no are you suggesting that santa claus is dead uh yeah i don't know i don't want to break the bubble. I've got to be honest. Everything I know about the figure of death comes from Bill and Ted's bogus journey. He looks like a character in an Ingmar Bergman film.

To be completely honest, I also saw a couple of promos for Dead Like Me. Who played Death in Build Dead? Same guy as RoboCop, right? Peter Weller? Yeah. Is that true? I didn't know that. RoboCop played Death in...

Yeah, I think so. Look it up. I'm embarrassed to admit I've never seen... RoboCop was an actor? Yeah, yes. Yeah. If it was made now, you're right. It would probably just be like CGI or at least...

Oh, wait. I'm thinking of Nell Carter. Never mind. Sorry. Nell Carter played RoboCop. Yeah. Well, RoboCop's one and two. Okay.

And RoboCop three, they got... I don't know. Robert Redford. Why did I... I loved the first Bill and Ted. That was a really good... That was good. Thank you.

I liked that. That was a really artful bail. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I don't know. I need to know why I didn't see the second Bill and Ted when I loved the first one so much. Second Bill and Ted is bananas. It's really nuts. It's like, yeah.

Are we talking Babe Pig in the City level bananas? You're not one of those people who likes that one, right? Oh, I love Babe Pig in the City. Get out of town. You don't love Babe Pig in the City? No. Did you see Babe Pig in the City? Yes.

Of course I did. Of course I did. So you prefer the first Babe movie? Yes. I have not seen either Babe movie. Wait, are you saying you don't even like the first Babe movie? Somebody tweeted me. No, I like the first Babe movie, too.

I like both Babe movies. So we don't have to fist fight. I really liked Babe, and I loved Babe, Pig, and the City. Babe, Pig, and the City, like every movie directed by George Miller, has those annoying... I don't know why Australians feel the need to under-crank the camera for no reason. A guy's going too fast across the frame and it's just so irritating. And it just sucks. But I have an important thing to say about Babe, Big and the City.

Someone tweeted on Twitter that... Tweet deck. Someone tweeted on Twitter the home stereo store. Someone sent a tweet message to me that said, I'm watching Look Who's Talking Now on at Young Americans recommendation. That can't be right. And I sent them back a message that said, wait,

excuse me. Look, who's talking now on my recommendation. I think what happened is they confused my recommendation for babe pig in the city with a recommendation for look, who's talking now. I can't see how they would do that. Well,

I haven't recommended any other children's sequels. But that's totally different titles. The names aren't even close. And one's animals and the other is talking babies. I think maybe someone else recommended it. Although I think Look Who's Talking Now is when the dogs talk. Oh, okay. So there is a little bit of a connection.

Wait, no, isn't that Five Old Ghosts West? Oh, yeah. Okay, sorry. Might be Land Before Time 8. Hi, guys, this is Tristan in San Jose. The search for Teranodon. You've been talking a little bit about Ophelia Quist-Arten on the show,

and I wanted to share my Ophelia Quist-Arten impersonation. Wait, this isn't even a momentous occasion. It accidentally got in there. Okay, we're going to go back to that, Ophelia. We got to go back to it. Hi, guys, this is Jason in north carolina i was just calling because i got just got done firing someone two days before christmas for falsifying records okay that's a momentous occasion good thank you you're welcome not you are welcome him thank him

i'm playing the part of him okay as batman no comment so it's him but by the way when so when i say thank you and someone says you're welcome, I say no comment. Because I feel like you have to keep going with the interchange. But it's like there's nothing left to say. Objection. Sustained. I'm not even kidding. I've done that since I was a kid.

Are you living your life as like a George Carlin routine? No, not at all. Okay. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go. Wait, what happened to the firing guy? That was done? Yeah, it was done. That was it?

He fired a guy for falsifying records. Oh, I missed the falsifying records part. I thought he was going to have a long, boring story like all these other guys. All right, go ahead. Matt, these are the people who could be hiring you to read their scripts. Oh, right. I'm sorry. Those are great stories, guys.

Write them in script form and I'll read them. For money. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Goh. This is Kit from Portland, Oregon. And I recently discovered your podcast. I've been going back in history. Your inane banter has kept me severely amused. Severely amused? With our first snow in Portland,

and I have possible awesome trauma, I don't know, What is the king of Portland? some type of experience to share. The woman that insisted on spending Christmas with me, the Christmas holiday, Oh, that woman. She used to be a high-class prostitute.

What? Okay, so he had a, I think we can all agree that this man had a lot of points against him in the momentous occasion. Now, you're assuming he's a man, but what I took from that— I think the real momentous occasion that is going unsaid is, I'm on mushrooms. All this other stuff is just... That's the subtext. I was going to say that the voice of Kit the car from Knight Rider

sounds a lot different all of a sudden. He used to be a nice British gentleman who was slightly racist, by the way. Oh my god, was it that guy? Then I totally let that slide because he's a legend. Kit gave us a long preamble. We like people to keep it pithy uh kit was not an expert storyteller kit was unnecessarily proud of his anecdote he was unnecessarily proud that a woman enforced him to spend the holidays despite the fact despite the fact that he had that long preamble he did

not effectively set up his story i was still trying to figure out what he meant by the woman who made me spend the holidays with her. We're all supposed to know. He's in a real-life situation of the ref. Wow. Yeah. He thought that we'd been reading his blog this whole time. Yeah. Oh, that woman.

Sure. You have new information about her? Thank God. I've been on pins and needles wondering what happened with that woman. All of that having been said, you've got to hand it to him for really pulling it out in the fourth quarter with, told me she used to be a high-class prostitute. That's something. Although, to be fair, if she was a low-class prostitute, don't you think she would claim high class?

Do you think low-class prostitutes think of themselves as second? Just soften the blow, sure. Is that like an official certificate you have to have? Like, does that have to be judged by a third party? Or can you just say it? Plus, I mean, this is America. Don't you think even the high-class prostitutes,

both the poor prostitutes, the low-class prostitutes, and the high-class prostitutes probably describe themselves as middle-class prostitutes. Sure, yeah. Well, as we all know, the problem with America today is that the middle-class prostitutes are being squeezed out. Right.

It's a lost lifestyle. You don't have the people who just want to live a decent life in that same town that your aunt and uncle are from. In Missoula, in Fredericksburg, Virginia. The rich prostitutes keep getting richer and the poor prostitutes keep getting pushed down the stairs. That's right. Okay, let's listen to this one last thing.

Look. I'm ready, I'm ready. I'm just gearing up for it. I'm not trying to pass the buck to Mariel. No. But this is a young woman who's a self-made woman. She's doing the best she can She came to the United States from the Dominican Republic at the age of 13

She works in guest relations At Universal Studios She's probably working with I mean who knows the ones that she left out She's doing the best she can with what she's got She makes a fantastic shepherd's pie with sweet potatoes I like the sound of that Hi guys this is Tristan in San Jose

You've been talking a little bit about Afebia Quist-Arten on the show And I want to share my Afebia Quist-Arten I like the sound of that. Yeah. Hi, guys. This is Tristan in San Jose. You've been talking a little bit about Ophelia Quist-Arkin on the show, and I want to share my Ophelia Quist-Arkin talk. Well, no. I said we were going to go back to it. Oh, okay. But this is not a momentous occasion. No, this is a new thing. This is the segment.

You don't listen to the show, you would know. Who's this guy? A sub-segment of momentous occasions is Ophelia Quist-Arkin talk. Or just, yeah, or more specifically, you know, NPR personality impressions. Yeah. Okay. Because I don't know that. You keep saying two words that sound like another language, and I don't know what that is. Ophabia Quist-Arkin?

Yeah. That's one of America's most important journalists. One of Africa's, certainly one of Africa's most important journalists. I thought I knew all the weird named NPR correspondents, but that's a new one for me. No, you're thinking of Diwali Sai Kowtow. Am I? Yeah, you're thinking of Diwali Sai Kowtow. We're talking about Ophelia Quist-Arcton.

Okay, go ahead. Ophelia Quist-Arcton. The NPR. In Duck. It's a shitty impression. It's a bad impression of Ophelia Quist-Arcton. Ophelia Quist-Arcton has a distinctive voice and cadence. It's a shitty impression. It's a bad impression of Ophabia Quist-Arcton. Ophabia Quist-Arcton has a distinctive voice and cadence. It's lilting.

God, never before have I so badly wanted Daryl Hammond to be here on Jordan Jesse Go. Yeah. So he could teach us a little thing or two about how Ophabia Quist-Arcton talks. I shudder to think of what his Shirley Jihad must sound like. Tell me about it. That tells you everything. By the way, that tells you everything you need to know about NPR. That they really, they defiantly employ someone whose last name is Jihad in a post-9-11 America.

They're like, we are sending a message. We dare you to feel a way about this. Number one, I don't think that's funny. And number two, that's not cool on my show. They're driving away the conservatives that they think they're better than. You're a racist, and I don't appreciate it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Whoa!

Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Matt Wheels Belknap over here. Wheels? I forgot about Wheels. Burger King Kids Club? Yeah, I'm the wheelchair kid. Gee whiz. You know, somebody the other day said that,

speaking of tweets, said that I had talked so much about Max FunCon on Jordan Jesse Go, on one episode of Jordan Jesse Go, that she had a nightmare that she was at Max Funcon and there was a murder. And she had to solve the murder

in her dream about Max Funcon. We should set something like that up. We should do something. We should murder someone. Pat Francis. I'm okay with that. I think the world of Pat Francis. Pat Francis? Tat that. We hate. I think the world of Pat Francis. Bad Francis?

Bad Francis. Tat Francis. The Oracle. Tat Francis. Jordan wins. Thank you. Whoa! I think you guys missed, but I won with Tat Francis.

That's Pat Francis with tattoos. Yeah. You don't even know about Garfield the Tat. That's like a special edition action figure of pat francis that we made with tattoos on our our a good friend of ours uh dan grayson the composer of the original sandy young america theme music um uh he once came up with he's not a funny man but his magical moment was when he devised the worst tattoo anyone could ever have and he just came up to me one day and he said jesse i know what the worst tattoo anyone could ever have. And he just came up to me one day and he said, Jesse, I know what the worst tattoo anyone could ever have is.

And he said, it's a full back tattoo of Garfield. Full back, full color of Garfield eating a giant piece of lasagna. And then an old English lettering over it. It says Garfield the Tat. Awesome. Which is pretty great. You got to hand it to him. Anyway, MaxFunCon, what I wanted to say about MaxFunCon is, number one, starting to fill up because introduced an installment plan.

Nice. People were upset with me. People were annoyed with me that they had to pay all the whole cost of MaxFunCon up front. I can understand that. Here's the reality. I had $30,000 on credit cards, and so I couldn't afford to have everyone give me $100.

I needed them to give me the whole thing until I paid off the deposit for Max Fun Con. So I've now paid off the deposit for Max Fun Con. I can institute an installment plan. There are still, there's still rooms available.

We've got Jad Abumrad coming. You don't have time. You don't have time to listen to Radiolab. You've never heard of Radiolab. Probably the best public radio producer out there and amazing host. And a guy who can have a singles event. Radiolab has singles events. Wow.

Can we have a singles event, Jordan? That's enough. That's their thing. Radiolab's thing is singles events? Yeah, right. Why don't we have... Doubles events. Yeah, doubles.

Tennis. Just like that tennis guy we were talking about earlier. Michael Chang. Yeah. Didn't play doubles as far as I know. We got Jad Abumrad's going to be there. We got Andrew WK there. A lot of Andrew WK controversy lately, by the way.

You mean real controversy or just... Oh, he said something in an interview that people didn't like? Apparently it's an old interview that ran recently where he was metaphorically describing that the old Andrew WK was a different guy. Someone took it literally.

And he also talked about how in some ways the Andrew WK on stage was a character created by his team, which is, you know, I mean, I think that's, that's fair to say that's true. And somebody took it the wrong way, thought that Andrew WK was some kind of corporate put on. I will, I'm standing here, Jordan,

we've had Andrew WK on Jordan Jesse go before. There is no less corporate put on of a man on earth than andrew wk yeah this is a nice guy this guy's a class act all the way completely sincere thoughtful intelligent so the idea is that this is like a dave situation yeah exactly that's exactly what it is it's absurd it's obscene frankly i don't like people talking shit about i you know i gotta stop reading meta filter comments because those people are dicks i can see how at the height of the andrew wk craze if someone was like uh this guy is just a product of some record label just right because you don't because you don't know you wouldn't know any better

you don't know that he made an independent album that was even more like this but if in 2009 if you were saying that andrew wk is a product of some corporate money-making scheme... Yeah, then what has he been doing the last seven years? Where's the money-making? Well, I mean, yeah. He would have embarrassed himself time and again trying to... Just chasing that fame and success. He certainly wouldn't have made an album of piano improvisations and then an album of J-pop covers, which is two albums that he has made.

All you have to say is that he's been a guest on Jordan, Jesse go and you know, the guy is sincere and legit because no one, this guy's the real deal. People don't come on this show thinking that they're going to, this man's going to inspire people at Max fun con. I invited him to Max fun con. Cause this guy's going to light a fire under people's asses. I'm excited about that.

He's really good. And I'm excited to meet him. Shit. Meeting that guy. One of the best things that ever happened to me. This guy... It's great. It's as great as you think it's going to be. All you have to do... You know that feeling after you get a really nice hug? Yeah. Once you've met Andrew W.K., all you have to do is think

about Andrew W.K., and it's like you're getting a really nice hug. Wow. I don't want to start a separate controversy, but Andrew W.Kk is just a stage persona of actor martin star right yes that's correct okay that is correct just another buster point next to your alter ego so i have met him actually i just haven't met the person martin star also a friend of the program right um and who i met at the last when you when you talk to him and he seems like a really kind of quiet, depressive type who always wants to bring everything down for the sake of humor, that's actually a put-on.

He's actually the – Andrew W.K., while it's a character, that's more of an expression of his true self. That's his real personality. Exactly. And the Martin Starr is the character. Yeah. So anyway, Max FunCon is May 7th through 9th. We got an installment plan now. I just put up the schedule.

Matt, along with Jimmy Pardo, and Pat Francis, and probably someone else from the festival, are going to be closing things out with a super monster show, just like they did last year. Jimmy was terrified. Jimmy called me like three times, worried about going up on Sunday morning. Well, you have to understand the comic's mind, which I think I'm more than qualified to speak on, if I may. Sure.

I say that facetiously because it's ridiculous. But he, being a comedian, being a stand-up who's done the road for years. You know about this kind of thing. He doesn't. I know about it secondhand. He doesn't – I know about it secondhand, but from hearing every time something like this comes up, no one wants to be put in a situation where they have to perform comedy at 10.30 in the morning. Right. I told him.

As people are getting – packing their bags to leave. But here's the thing, and I didn't disagree with him, but I didn't understand the magic of Max FunCon. thing and i didn't disagree with him but i didn't understand the magic of max fun con now that we've been there and and and jimmy is as he understands as well as anybody now as i do the vibe the energy the positivity the excitement the the love that comes out of people just getting together but just to have fun and i'm being totally sincere right now it's it's unbelievable it's it's like a it's it's it's it's like a it's like your favorite blanket from childhood being wrapped around you for a weekend it's it's awesome so like i'm happy to do that slot because it's so cool to get to be there period but also to to have everybody like basically they're celebrating the fun they've had and and and we just get to close that out that's that's cool. Matt, I'll tell you what. That feeling that you just described, that's baking soda.

Andrew WK is vinegar. Oh, no. And the volcano is friendship. Oh, boy. Okay, anyway, it's maxfuncon.com. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Matt Belknap, the entrepreneur. Man, it's just been such a pleasure to have you. I knew it was going to be a pleasure to have you here. I always have fun with you guys. This is great. I'll tell you a little secret.

I don't want to embarrass Jordan. But Jordan calls me this afternoon. He says, we're still podcasting tonight, i said yeah 7 30 he said and i said uh matt belknap's coming in jordan said i love that guy who doesn't that's an actual conversation that is true story you guys should actually send that into your own momentous occasions. Everybody loves Belknap. We're saying that to readers' digest. Matt Belknap, one of the best. Just a true delight and a joy. I accidentally started saying things that Jimmy Pardo would have said in the same context.

It's addictive. Completely accidental. It's addictive. Of course, Matt Belknap, one of the producer and co-host, second banana straight man, on the really great podcast, Never Not Funny. If you haven't tried Never Not Funny,

actually, our friend Mark Maron was just on last week, and normally you can listen to like 20 minutes or so of Never Not Funny for free, and then you got to pony up about 75 cents a dollar an episode. But this week, because of just happenstance, you guys have put out a whole episode of Never Not Funny with Marc Maron. We're calling it a Christmas miracle. But you say whatever you want about it.

Okay, so it's a Christmas miracle. I haven't checked about what everyone's religion is yet, which I normally would do. Like the birth of Jesus. Yeah, it's akin to that. I mean, well, Marc Maron, like Jesus, is a Jew. Right. And I feel like I'm kind of a wise man. Right.

And I have all this frankincense and myrrh I've been trying to get rid of. And Jimmy's actual real name is Joseph of Nazareth. Hardo. It's time for me to admit I know nothing about the Bible. Okay. Is that where Joseph is from, Nazareth? Yeah, it was a Nazarene.

Okay. Yeah, we put the full, it's like a 100-minute episode of, you know, it's an hour and 40-minute episode of Never Not Funny. Did you find with Marc Maron, this is something we found with Marc Maron that I was really impressed with. I, of course, know Marc Maron's a brilliant, hilarious guy. He has his own great podcast called What the Fuck. But what I didn't expect from Marc Maron, i expected a lot of humor a lot of insight what i didn't expect was for him to match our tone he got silly on jordan jesse go he was making silly jokes i was like hey he's right on board man's usually not silly no you don't you don't think of him as a silly guy i was actually

just impressed with his own podcast being as like i expected it to be an extension of his political talk show on air America. He's sick of that. He hated that. Yeah. And, and, and frankly, thank God, because I didn't want to listen to it. He's, he's a super funny, talented guy. And, uh, I'd rather just hear him be funny, you know, and that's funny. That's what he's doing now. And, and, and it's great that anyway, you can listen to a whole hour and 40 minutes of never not funny for free and i i've said it before i'll say it again i love never not funny um uh it's right up there with our buddies you look nice today on my absolute favorite podcast the one that i listen to the day they come out thank you i i

pay for it uh i uh i i get it for free as a gift because I went on the show. As a guest. And I still choose to pay for it because I would feel guilty not paying for it because it gives me so much entertainment and enjoyment. I feel like I should pay for the entertainment that I enjoy. And yeah, partcast.com. And you're saying my money's no good? I'm saying that you need the money more than me just based on how you look. I haven't seen your ledgers, but given your outfit, I think you could use the 20 bucks. Buy some clean socks.

You know what I mean? Because I can smell them from over here. Hello. Oh. I get no respect. Is this what you were talking about before when you say you get belligerent? Did you just mean? It's like Cat Rodney Dangerfield.

You were just doing like cat man Dangerfield. Meow. No respect. No fish either. Meow. Meow. Sort of like Rodney Dangerfield's snacklepuss. Yeah, right.

Oh, God. There was that movie where Rodney Dangerfield did the dog, Rover Dangerfield. What? That totally happened. It's not a real movie. He did the voice of a dog who didn't get any respect. I think you're thinking

of Roe v. Wade, which was important. Oh, I'm thinking of Roe v. Wade. That was for abortion. Yeah, that was an important Supreme Court decision. Now. Our theme music is

Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of Light in the Attic Records. Gosh, I guess we'll talk to you next week or so on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Bye, gang.