Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 124: Some Pig

Episode Date: February 12, 2010

Artist Brandon Bird joins Jesse and Jordan for discussion of The Antiques Roadshow, daytime drinking and calamitous doctor's exam disasters.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

The painter of light and a demon pig battle it out for ultimate artistic supremacy. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, it's a, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, it's a beautiful evening here in Los Angeles. Yeah, it is. Have you noticed that?

I have. I'm not off base, am I? Absolutely not. I've been noticing it all day. Look outside the window. What do you see? I mean, I haven't been noticing that it's a lovely evening all day. I've been noticing that the weather has been lovely all day. We had torrential downpours yesterday. Sure.

Just insane, crazy rain. Mm-hmm. Like rain that suggested that we lived in a place with weather. Yeah. Angry, aggressive rain. Sort of on and off, coming in and out. It was pretty crazy. And today, clear skies.

Did you check out those fucking rainbows yesterday? It was Rainbow Central here in Los Angeles yesterday. Oh, yeah. Apeshit bonkers rainbows. I squinted my eyes, I reached up my hand, and I pretended to grab one and put it in my mouth. How did it taste? I couldn't taste it.

Really? Oh, yeah. The squinting thing was just an optical illusion I created for myself, and it turns out it didn't actually allow me to grab the rainbow. We've got a great guest on the program this time around. Speaking of grabbing rainbows, we've grabbed a real gay man.

What? Right by his genitals. And dragged him in here. We've got a wonderful guest here. People might know him for his work as a painter. If they do know him, it's probably for his work as a painter and artist. It's not just for his... Ladies and gentlemen, Man Ray.

He's well known for his paintings, which often feature pop cultural figures. Sometimes engaged in unusual activities, such as Bea Arthur, is it, that's wrestling the raptor? That's correct. Is it raptors or is it Deinonychus?

What exactly, what pack hunting carnivore is she wrestling? I always thought it was Deinonychus. I say Deinonychus. Diplodocus. That's another one. And it's Diplodocus. Brontosaur? There you go okay great brandon bird brandon welcome to jordan jesse go it's great to have you here oh thank you it's i was i was actually gonna ask answer his question no yeah please do fine go for it i think by their size they'd have

to be dynonicus because like you know based off the jurassic park raptors and those are too big and also you know miscolored and featherless because you know, based off the Jurassic Park raptors. And those are too big. And also, you know, miscolored and featherless. Because, you know, this week they found out what dinosaurs looked like. Wait, they found out what dinosaurs look like? I'm sorry. I mean, not what they looked like. What they were. Their coloration.

I know. I didn't know this. Hold on. Stop. Hammer time. Let's deal with this. Yeah. Let's unpack this suitcase.

When did they find this out you just dropped what do they look like you just dropped a dino bomb on us yeah okay so like it's not all dinosaurs it's the feathered dinosaurs like the little raptory guys okay because i was under the impression this is bird hipped dinosaurs yes specifically the ones that, like the small predator guys who had feathers. That's the key. If I remember my Nova correctly from when I was 13, is a Tyrannosaurus rex a bird-hipped dinosaur? Wasn't that the premise? When they figured out that birds and dinosaurs were related to each other, wasn't it by studying the tracks of a Tyrannosaurus rex?

I think that there are bird-hipped dinosaurs and there are lizard-hipped dinosaurs. Okay, and you know because you took dinosaur class, if I'm remembering college correctly. No, you know, I could not get into dinosaur class. No way, I took dinosaur class. You were the recipient of dinosaur class? Yeah.

Secondhand dinosaur class? Sure, I was just a dinosaur enthusiast as a kid. Okay. Brandon, you did take dinosaur class we all went to the same university at the university of california at santa cruz go slugs did you take muppet class indeed no i did not take my okay well i took muppet class we can talk about that later but let's get back to the bullshit classes we took i took clowning so brandon you took dinosaurs jesse took muppets and i took clowning and now we're productive

members of society specifically the class i took was called muppet magic oh oh i also took saturday night live class from the same teacher good from oh uh dr bullshit yes dr fuck around um brandon let's let's talk about these dinos. Sorry, sorry, sorry. We're way off. Okay, where did you hear this and what were the findings? Okay, so I believe I heard it from the news. Wait, I need to interject again.

I made a mistake in going back to dinosaurs because we are live streaming this, Jordan, Jesse, go. Oh, sure. Which we do on occasion. From time to time. I announced it on my Twitter which is a young american somebody in the chat room i just happened to be i was grabbing my water for a drink of water i look over at the chat room that's going on as as we're doing this somebody fucking identified dr kathy foley from the university of california at santa cru Cruz based on Muppet class and Saturday Night Live class. A.K.A. Dr. Bullshit.

Yes. Her specialty was Javanese puppet theater. I mean, Balinese mask work maybe. Yeah, there you go. And her top reputation around the thing that everyone said about her that may or may not have been true was that she taught Muppet class because she knew the Muppet people and a Muppet was based upon her. Wasn't it Janice from the band? Yeah. There you go.

And you know what? Dr. Teeth? Dr. Teeth and the electric something? What was the name of the Muppet class? Dr. Teeth? Dr. Teeth and the Electric something? Yeah. So a theory that if you saw Kathy Foley, if you experienced one of her classes, and a very nice lady and a perfectly good teacher, I'm not putting her down, absolutely sincerely believable. She has the mannerisms of a Muppet in human form. She is like a Muppet made, I want to say a Muppet made corporal but obviously muppets are corporal a muppet made stringless yes and felt felt free okay wait back to dinos and what color they are okay so let's talk about this is you were you were listening or watching the news or probably reading it on the internet sure okay uh Okay. But basically, it's like they realize that the pigments in feathers have a specific shape.

They're like a protein. It's like oblong or whatever. And each color has a different shape. And those shaped proteins, even though the actual pigment in it will dissolve. So you're saying colors have shapes? The things that hold colors. You're saying colors have shapes. Sure.

This is a fucking UC Santa Cruz shit going down. Yeah, right. Hey, guys. But anyway, they looked at, using, I think, a microscope. Okay. They looked at the fossilized feather imprints. Which is like, for people who haven't seen nova that's like uh it's sort of like a complicated set of eyeglasses for looking at tiny things keep going yeah like a long curved binocular sure uh and they they looked at the fossilized

like imprints of the feathers and they're like oh well these ones have this shape and this one has this shape and they realized that this little raptory guy had a tail that was color color um alternating like uh an orange creamsicle color wow like orange and white alternating stripes no fucking way amazing that's as good as it gets as a as as a lifelong dinosaur aficionado i can can safely say, holy shit. That's something in all the museum tours I've taken over my life and all the, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah I read as a kid. They basically always said we will never know what color dinosaurs were. And now we do.

And now I'm mad at all of them. Yeah. Retroactively. What the fuck, scientists fuck scientists yeah come on you i you know what i think scientists think it's their job to preemptively crush our dreams i think so too that's why they say that man will never fly without the aid of a machine pretty soon we're gonna find out that not only can I fly with the aid of a machine, but I've got alternating orange and white stripes on my tail. Yes. That's the kind of shit we're going to start finding out. Mm-hmm.

Man, that is amazing. Brandon, you've already brought to us some of the best information that I've ever heard in my entire life. Well, thank you. Are they looking into other dinosaurs and what color they are? Or are they just going to quit while they're ahead? I think it basically implied that it is limited to feathered dinosaurs and having the fossilized imprints

or remains or whatever of the feathers to look at. Let me ask you guys this question. Archaeopteryx. Not really a dinosaur. Not really a question. shut down you guys are a regular couple of scientists yeah here i'm i'm extending i have my microscope in my hand i am extending it out at arm's length and i am dropping it chris rock style jordan the final word is that honestly the case that an archaeopteryx is not a real dinosaur it's not because it can fly yeah i i i i'm i'm i'm reluctant to call it a pterosaur

it's okay it's it's uh i think it's like a bird like lizard, I think it's technically a lizard. Because it doesn't have... I'm actually legitimately trying to remember dinosaur class right now. If I'm not mistaken, dino-sour means terrible lizard in Latin. That's correct. So I know for a fact that dinosaurs are lizards. They're as lizard-y as they are terrible. They're as lizard-y as they are terrible. Yes, but scientifically what defines a dinosaur is, I think, its hip shape and then its sinus cavity.

There's something in its head that specifically is like, well, this is different than a lizard. That's what defines a supermodel. It says a supermodel apart from a regular model. Right, exactly. That's the difference. Sure, there's bird-hipped models and there's lizard-hipped models. Exactly. So, for example, take... And some have a venom that they can spit.

Take Twiggy. Bird-hipped. Sure. Supermodel Twiggy. Well, anyway, we're mostly going to be talking about dinosaurs on this week's show. It's going to be a lot of fun. Diplodocus is going to be discussed. Various ichthyosaurs.

Also not a dinosaur. Nope. What the fuck? It's not a dinosaur. What is this? It's a swimming one. There's a different kind of thing when they're swimming. Yeah, it's not a dinosaur.

Is this a fucking setup? Do you just think everything is a dinosaur, it sounds like? Yeah. Sounds like you're pretty liberal with your definition of dinosaur. I am not liberal with my definition of dinosaurs. What about saber-toothed tigers? That's a dinosaur. No.

Enamel. Late ice age. Whoa. Saber-toothed tigers. Check out those fucking chompers. Remember that time you said you were married to a dinosaur? That was also not true. Okay, well, we'll have further clarifications when we you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, tag or a nickname for yourself if you like.

You were actually for a while, if I'm remembering this correctly, the other painter of light. Oh, I still am. I still have that domain name. Do you? Yeah. So Thomas Kinkade, the painter of light, painter of light, this guy paints lighthouses and kind of vaguely religious. Glowing country cottages. Yeah, things that benefit from having track lighting. Pete's guy paints lighthouses and kind of vaguely religious. Glowing country cottages.

Things that benefit from having track lighting. They all have hidden religious codes in them. Sure. As well as like the initials of his family members. And he sells them on the QVC and it outlets in places like Carmel. Sure. Anyways, but he calls himself the Painter of Light. He not only calls himself Painter of Light,

he trademarked that phrase. He owns that for use in business. But you bought the URL, Painteroflight.com. But he did not buy the URL. It seems surprising to me that he would not be internet savvy. Sure. I mean, he knew enough about other media to help create the film thomas kincaid's christmas cottage what was it called thomas kincaid's christmas condom and he knew enough about what's hip to cast chris elliott in that movie

what are you talking about chris ell is in Thomas Kinkade's Christmas. I'm not convinced that it's called Thomas Kinkade's Christmas Cottage. It's something about a cottage and Christmas, but I don't know if it's specifically Thomas Kinkade's Christmas Cottage. But I do know that Chris Elliott is in it because when he was on The Sound of Young America

a couple years ago, and I asked him what projects he had in the the works he said well of course i've been cast in thomas kincaid's christmas cottage but see now you've got my hopes up because i'm gonna go to the imdb and look that up and be crushed when i find out he did not play thomas kincaade he played creepy masturbator that's what thomas kinkade decided to spend his like world of media capital on he's like he got to he got to a place where he was the king of commercial painting he controlled this whole uh world of merchandising he was making tens of millions of dollars a year selling uh selling like robotically made paintings yeah yeah and he said next i will make a semi-autobiographical film and in the role of thomas kincaid chris elliott

you know from get a life he used to be on letterman a lot woogie from there's something about mary you've seen that i love that movie, if I showed you a picture of Chris Allen, you would know who I was talking about. He was on Everybody Loves Raymond some for a while. No, no, not the guy with the deep voice. That's a different guy. No, not Andy Kindler. I don't think we can get Andy Kindler.

I'm getting my gun. That's how he finishes that. I don't think that he played Thomas Kinkade. I feel like somebody like Peter Fonda played Thomas Kinkade. I think. Like someone simultaneously credible and sad. I think I've seen this on a shelf at a video store. And I think it's some young kid from a WB type show.

Like James Van Der Beek? That guy was like 40? No, whatever the current... Joe Montagna. Was it Joe Montana? Football great Joe Montana? I think he played Thomas Kinkade's dad.

Okay. So Thomas Kinkade calls himself the Painter of Light and then you bought the URL Painteroflight.com. Yeah, I bought that like, I don't know, seven years ago. Yeah. And I haven't heard word. No blowback. No blowback.

You have gotten, you have occasionally gotten word from someone who. By occasionally, you mean one time only. someone who by occasionally you mean one time only was somewhat misled by by trying to find thomas kakade's website and finding mine i had just confounded and angry i had hoped that maybe it had happened since it happened when we were both like 23 no it has not happened but uh someone typed painter of light.com into the internet. Yeah. And they got your website looking for Thomas Kinkade and became very upset. Yeah.

They were saying I was trying to malleously something or other. I was like, wow, I signed a word. And I don't know. It was just like this weird ramblings. It's sort of like what I get from listeners to WNYC in New York. Just every couple of months, somebody will send me an email saying, You, sir, are no sound of young America. You must be 50 years old.

I've got some YouTube comments recently referring to me as chubby. I noticed a lot of YouTube comments. You made a great video, Jordan, for Fuel, your employer, Fuel TV, where you did an interview with super celebrity Megan Fox. Yes. where you were playing yourself as though you couldn't bring yourself, as though you were so desperately in love with Megan Fox that you couldn't make sentences or words. Yeah. I thought it was hilarious.

Sure. I did this at a press junket. Yes. So, yes. And I noticed quite a number of YouTube comments that didn't seem to understand that it was a bit. Yeah. From, I'm guessing, big Megan Fox fans?

Yeah, a lot of people being mad at me for wasting her time. That's kind of a main complaint people have. Why would he waste her time like that? I don't understand. Megan Fox has places to be. I mean, the part that baffled me was just the idea of the Megan Fox fan. And I can understand. I'm just going to draw a line here for you.

I can understand why someone would like to go see a Megan Fox movie. And I can understand why someone would type Megan Fox into Google in an attempt to find the raciest picture available of Megan Fox. Sure. I'm not particularly into Megan Fox, but I understand both of those things. Those are both things that make a lot of sense to me. She's a beautiful woman. That's the basis of her career. Often photographed arching her back. Exactly. And, you know, she's got fans who are out there. They want to see her arch her back. That I can understand. Sure.

Somebody goes to see Transformers 3, you know, Rise of the Beetlebots, they can go see it and see Megan Fox. The thing that I don't understand is... Beetlebots are not part of the Transformer canon. Yeah, Jesse, you're getting into go bots territory, and that's when things get all fucked up. So don't... Sorry.

I didn't mean to fuck with you guys. This is worse than when you made the mistake regarding the Duckiverse, the universe containing DuckTales, Darkwing Duck, and Tailspin. Is Tailspin part of that? No, I think Tailspin is part of that continuity. But like in their equivalent of the 40s.

I think that it's not contemporary. I think that the fact that the bear from the Jungle Book was involved in one of those things sort of blew my mind to the extent that I couldn't wrap it around the other shit. I think we talked once on Jordan Jesse Go about how when I was little I would get confused in one of those things sort of blew my mind to the extent that I couldn't wrap it around the other shit. I think we talked once on Jordan, Jesse, Go! about how when I was little I would get confused because there was one Mr. T on the A-team, one Mr. T in the wrestling, and one Mr. T in the cartoon show, and I couldn't understand why there was three different Mr. Ts. I think that happened to me also with the two different bears from the Jungle Book. I can't remember what the bear from the Jungle Book's name is.

It's Baloo. Oh, Baloo. There you go. They're both Baloo, but like, I didn't realize it at the time, but the Baloo and Tailspin had fingers. Wait, so they added fingers? And the one in the Jungle Book just had claws. Well, because you can't fly a plane with claws unless it's ADA compliant.

You're saying this is some sort of branching timeline. I should say, excuse me, BDA compliant, the Bears with Disabilities Act. Actually, excuse me, BNA, the Bears with Normal Abilities Act, because it's normal for a bear to have claws. It's actually technically a disability for a bear to have fingers because it's harder for him to slap salmon out of the river yeah or to get honey exactly um i you know i love hearing about worlds with continuity that people

keep up on i uh i have a buddy who has been into professional wrestling since he was a kid and still keeps up with it and explained to me all of the reboots and all of the storylines that were dropped. I love hearing about that stuff. There's reboots in professional wrestling? Yeah, I guess so. Was it when the WWF got sued by the World Wildlife Federation?

That was part of it. When Hulk Hogan fought that panda. So if Dwayne Johnson goes off to make movies, do they hire a new guy to play The Rock? Also, I should also say that it was because the panda was bogarting all of the bamboo shoots. Sure. No, I think when someone leaves,

there's some sort of exit storyline. But I think the part I was more interested in was when someone like The Undertaker, instance who you know was popular 20 years ago and is still popular now like how they wait the undertaker still exists yeah they and they and i guess they tease him a lot they tease him and they'll that and i guess when you say tease are you talking about tease in the broadcasting sense like the undertaker is coming up or they mock the undertaker in the broadcasting sense, like The Undertaker is coming up, or they mock The Undertaker? No, no, in the burlesque sense. Okay. They do a sensual fan dance in front of The Undertaker.

Let me ask you a question. Does this have anything to do with turn-of-the-20th-century vaudeville and silent film star Foxy Grandpa? I don't think so. Okay, sorry. I just wondered if he was part of that continuity. I don't think so. Okay, sorry. I just wondered if he was part of that continuity. I don't think that he is. Are you familiar with the Foxy Grandpa continuity? Because it's multimedia.

You've got the Vaudeville stage, the silent screen, and, of course, the Sunday comic strips. Right. Not to mention the Magic Lantern shows where he's featured. No, I guess the Undertaker dies and then gets resurrected a lot, and then it's a big deal when he's featured. No, you know, I think what, I guess, you know, the Undertaker dies and then gets resurrected a lot and then, you know, it's a big deal when he comes back.

And yeah, I don't know. I love hearing about this. If anyone wants to write me a detailed description of the continuity of something, I would love to read it. JordanJesseGo at gmail.com. Can I tell you,

can I tell you something about Darkwing Duck from the Duck Universe? Sure. The Duckiverse. Go ahead. My childhood best friend, Peter, and I were very close, as childhood best friends are known to be. And one time, I was a year older than him, and maybe one time when I was about, I want to say maybe eight, and he was seven, we got in a big discussion, maybe nine and eight. We got in a big discussion about Darkwing Duck.

And he insisted that it was called Darkwing Duck. I, of course, thought it was called Duckwing Duck. Did you not read? I just had forgotten. I didn't watch it that much. But I was certain it was called Duckwing Duck. Because I could remember the song, you know, Duckwing Duck, let's get dangerous. And I bet him $2 that it was called Duckwing Duck.

Did you honestly believe that or were you just sticking to your guns? I absolutely sincerely believed it was called Duckwing Duck. I want to go back to Jordan's comment here about can't you read? The text is on – I mean at the end of the theme song that you claim to remember. That's what's so strange. I mean I was reading like – I was reading very well at the time. And yeah, I bet him $2. But here's the thing. This was before the internet was in people's homes.

And so there was no way to immediately check whether it was called Darkwing Duck or Duckwing Duck. The TV listings. Well, Brandon, sorry. Sorry we didn't have your fucking you could have called the station manager ncis fucking csi skills that you have as an adult we didn't have them as eight year olds to do our own independent investigations kenneth star style oh wait a minute yes would have been i think this whole thing that you're persecuting... 10 or 11, I think.

I think that this whole thing that you're persecuting is for political gain and not because of principle. I did receive a... Yep, yep, I know it. Mm-hmm. He's... I am on the Darkwing Duck payroll. He's getting handouts from Big Duck.

From the Disney Afternoon lobbyists. Yeah. I am on the Darkwing Duck payroll. He's getting handouts from Big Duck. From the Disney afternoon lobbyists. Yeah. So I bet him, I bet Peter. You think I just pulled those facts about Baloo's fingers out of the air? Those are your talking points that they give to you. I bet Peter $2. And it was after the afternoon or it was on a weekend or something. We didn't see each other all the time.

And, uh, and I figured out not that long after that, it was called dark wing duck by watching the show and reading the title. And, uh, I never paid him his $2. Wow.

Well, you better pay up. He never brought it up. He never said to me, you owe me $2. Cause you thought it was duck wing duck. And I knew was dark wing duck but i never paid him and i still kind of feel bad about that doesn't it eat you alive inside what is this uh we're looking at almost 20 years later i i think your friend was just a stand-up guy who uh didn't want to take

advantage of a yeah a slow friend a slow non-reader look different people get different abilities at different times i had a hard time reading and that's like 10 years brandon your character assassination is not why we invite we invite you on this program because you're a gifted artist and a charming guy not because we wanted you to come in here and assassinate our characters and by ours i mean specifically mine yeah mine's still sterling mine is still just just uh i'm gonna i'm gonna spit shine on it try this on for size jordan whoa i'm gonna take your i'm gonna take your character down a notch just try right here and beyond repro I am beyond reproach. And right now. Okay. Hey, Brandon.

Yes? Did you drink during the day at all today? Yes, like water. Oh, no. Some cola. I'm talking about devil juice, alcohol, adult beverages. Oh, no. You wouldn't do something like that, would you?

No. With the sun still up? Because outside of your occasional lapses into character assassination, you're a man of character, correct? I think so. Well, Brandon, let me say this. Just like your constituents, Scrooge McDuck, Launchpad McQuack, and of course, Gizmoduck. Look, Brandon has done some fucked up shit for scrooge mcduck sure but one swim in that treasure pit and you do almost anything uh what they don't tell you

about that treasure pit is about five feet down there's a layer of cocaine that's why he pops back out so aggressively with energy that's why he pops back out so aggressively he's so filled with energy that's why he pops back out and immediately starts cleaning his apartment me myself Brandon I'm a teetotaler I don't drink alcohol at all I think that certainly if other people want to indulge in an occasional libation in the evening after dark when they're celebrating with friends, perhaps after work with colleagues, then certainly that's a reasonable thing to do.

Maybe toasting a new baby. These are all situations where one might want to enjoy a fine wine or spirit, or perhaps even a brewed beer. Jordan, I'm going to throw this question over to you. Sure. With regard to having drunken, drunk and drinked, drank-le, alcohol during the day. Just say it. You can't read. alcohol during the day just say it you can't read i'm sick of you putting on airs you can't read i'm the r kelly of podcasting we can r kelly not read kelly can't read what of course he can nope illiterate what he's illiterate i read it in vibe magazine i read it in vibe magazine how illiterate he can read a

little tiny bit what he knows what a stop sign is wait did you did you read it in an art uh an editorial saying i can't read by it was a confessional interview with r kelly about how he's can't read wow isn't that horrible i i i don't know how to feel about it i don't think i formed an opinion about r kelly i mean i know he peed on people yeah i know that sometimes his songs are crazy he peed on specifically he peed on a teenage girl sure uh i thought trapped in the closet was really funny yeah uh but no other than that i don't have an opinion about him. People – R. Kelly – I have an opinion about R. Kelly, and I feel like I have a weird relationship. And we'll get back to your immorality in a second, Jordan. I feel like I have a weird relationship to – both to R. Kelly.

Jordan, you're really going to knock over that entire bookcase that's behind you that you've bumped into a few times. Keeps shaking and terrifying me. I have a weird relationship to R. Kelly because mostly R. Kelly has two kinds of fans. One is his true fans. These are people that love I Believe I Can Fly. Okay. I cannot relate to these people because I sure don't love I Believe I Can Fly. The theme to Space Jam.

Yes, exactly. This is something, speaking of which, is I Believe I Can Fly Warner Brothers canonical? Oh, right. From Marvin the Martian? Sure. Is that in the Marvin the Martian canon? Okay. I don't think Space Jam is canonical, but...

Space Jam is happening in an alternate timeline. Yeah, yeah. Do you know... Weirdly, The Undertaker is in Space Jam. Because why was Bill Murray playing himself,

but Wayne Knight was playing a character? Yeah, no, that's an issue. Well, Wayne Knight is much more famous than Bill Murray. Sure. Well, at the time...

Okay, so I'm... Let's go. Let's focus in on our... an archive oh wait hold on real quick while i'm wondering about timelines here's a question i want to pose to people does the super mario universe have uh have continuity i would like someone to answer that sorry brandon you seem like the kind of guy who could answer that question i we didn't have nintendo okay so we're gonna have to throw that i have no throw that. Did you have a Sega? We had a Sega Master System.

I noticed you have a great painting called No One Wants to Play Sega with Harrison Ford. A sad Harrison Ford. He's barefoot in jeans that are a little too long for him and he's carrying a Sega Master System with the zapper while some happy kids play Nintendo on beanbags

and he's looking grumpy. Anyways, so that's from personal experience? Well, not the experience of being sad because we had a Sega. You were sad for other reasons. It was I was trying. You were sad because your mother died. My mom's just fine. I hope.

I'll have to kill her to preserve my continuity. So yeah, we had a Sega But you didn't feel alienated because of it No, not really Except when I was asked to be in a video game art show And I was like, well, I don't know anything about Mario I can't paint Mario I could draw a picture of Alex Kidd But no one would know who that was

So I was like, I gotta come up with something that has the Master System in it. And so it was like, oh wait, I'll use sort of the alienation associated with the Master System. Okay, so... Turn that into a work. We're getting a little bit...

We're getting a few too many layers deep in the onion here. I don't know if I can pull this out without a notepad, but I think we'll start with R. Kelly, and then we'll get to you drinking, okay? Okay, sure. So he has these true fans. They love his horrible songs. And R. Kelly...

And you would consider I Believe I Can Fly a horrible song. Hey, what about a Gotham City off the Batman and Robin soundtrack? These are the kinds of songs... He has a song about Gotham City? Yeah, and I think the lyrics are like, City of Justice, and I think the lyrics are like, City of Justice, City of Hope. Gotham City.

Is it up-tempo? Yeah, I think so. Wow. You're saying it's no Batdance? No. Okay. I think it's better. Wait, are you saying that Gotham City by R. Kelly is better than Batdance by Prince?

I listened to Batdance by Prince recently, and I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it, given that it is basically a dance mix of sound clips from the movie Batman. Yeah, isn't there no Prince singing in it? No, but it's actually a surprisingly enjoyable song. I was really surprised at how much I enjoyed it. Okay, so R. Kelly, he has these real fans. These are, at this point in his career, he has so nurtured this fan base of largely women who are sort of like the kind of women who would, some of them are the kind of women who would be into Brian McKnight.

And some of them are that, but a little bit sort of trashier or ditzier. So they like the fact that R. Kelly is kind of more of a weird, shitty, Lothario figure. So that's one group of fans. The other group of fans is this group of fans that loves Trapped in the Closet because it's hilarious. Sure.

And they're kind of scornful of R. Kelly. R. Kelly knows how ridiculous Trapped in the Closet is and gets a kick out of it himself. Well, here was my opinion on Trapped in the Closet. And let me know if this is off base or not. You would know more than I would. Trapped in the Closet was done in two blocks. And it seemed like the first block of trapped in the closet was and this was you know uh pretty cut and dry it all kind of happens within a house and kind of in these parameters

and nothing really weird happens uh the first block of trapped in the closet seemed earnest right and it was bad right hilariously bad but then i think he pulled a you know like god uh i wish i could think of an example other than the room right but like he claimed that it all along it was intentionally for camp value and then and then the second block of wrapped in the closet had like midgets and likegets and crazy redneck ladies and stuff. So I think he... It seems like that wasn't the purpose, but he made it the purpose? Zara, as I call him.

Sure. He also made a song called Sex Planet. Okay. That uses various planets as metaphors for sexual acts he's going to perform on a woman. And includes, if I'm not mistaken, if I'm working from memory, multiple Uranus puns. Sure.

What's Jupiter? What does Jupiter do? It's been a long time since I've listened to Sex Planet. Pluto. I want to be clear here. I don't think that R. Kelly made Trapped in the Closet as a joke. That's not what I'm suggesting. I think that he just thinks it's awesome.

Okay. And he thinks it's awesome to do something crazy. Okay. And he is also not the greatest lyrical craftsman. He's better with funny ideas and melodies. Also, not the greatest lyrical craftsman. He's better with funny ideas and melodies. So, you know, you can understand. The man is illiterate.

So I think he maybe got himself a little tied up when he started to introduce midgets and whatnot into, because it rhymed with something, entrapped in the closet. And i think definitely the second time around he was like wait a minute i thought this was crazy and awesome and people think that i'm an idiot and was doing it seriously and so i'd better do one where it's clear that it's a joke so that the first one wasn't it wasn't necessarily a joke but it was it was aware of its own ridiculousness. Okay. There's a fine line there, but it's true.

Now, I see myself as following sort of a third path of R. Kelly fandom, which is this. While I will enjoy listening once to one of R. Kelly's ridiculous songs, like A Sex Planet, which is a pretty solid record actually, besides the fact that it's completely composed of yeah, puns and metaphors based around the

various planets and interstellar bodies. I don't think he knows all of the different planets, so it's just some different planets. The dirtier sounding planets. Exactly. Like Venus and Earth. Yeah uh i i can enjoy those songs and i don't enjoy uh i don't enjoy your i believe i can fly torch songs um which are just too much dumbness for me however if you want to talk about Ignition Remix, which is the remix to Ignition, Fresh and Hot Out the Kitchen.

Sure. Oh, fuck yeah. Sign me up for 10 of those. That's one of my all-time favorite songs. You don't remember that song? I don't, uh-uh. It's the remix to Ignition, it's fresh and hot out the kitchen. Got mama rolling that potty.

I mean, I think I hear you softly singing it to yourself when you're doing things. We sippin' on coke and rum. No, uh-uh. I mean, I don't think I've heard it in the wild. It's the freakin' weekend, baby. I'm about to have me some fun.

I mean, I think I've heard you sing it before, but I haven't heard it. You know what my favorite part is? That part you just sang? No, no. It's a different part. Oh, you're saving it.

Okay. Yeah. Crystals poppin' in the stretch navigator. Got food everywhere as if the party was catered. It is literally catered. He's drinking in the car. I think he was literally catered. It's not really an as-if situation.

It's not technically a metaphor. Yeah. I think he did cater it. I don't think he made all the sandwiches. Two catering standards semantics are complicated but that song is a fucking jam number one and number two sounds like r kelly made this um this double album called happy people you save me one of them is all uh sort of this was in the aftermath of him having pissed on an underage girl on and videotaped it for his own

enjoyment um he made this double album one of them is this sort of gospel album semi-gospel album one of them is this album of songs uh for stepping which is this kind of partner dancing that people do in chicago uh uh mostly it seems like from videos i've seen of people doing it mostly like 38 year old black people um it's like it's this've seen of people doing it, mostly like a 38 year old black people. It's like, it's this wonderful kind of partner dancing. It all has the same, all this whole album is specifically for this one tiny subculture.

And it's fucking great. It's so great. Like anytime I'm sad, I can listen to that. I believe you. And I feel bad because I don't know how to relate to either of the other groups of R. Kelly fans. Because I don't want to just be like, you know, you shouldn't enjoy him ironically because he is outrageously bad in his own way. But at the same time, I think he knows that he's being a goofus.

So I feel like it's sort of like as opposed to a gallant yeah well i feel like it's a it's a little bit mean and also possibly a little bit racist the way people relate to him i'm not saying definitely but possibly um the the way that they assume that he's not in on the joke um and but then on the other hand you're not going to catch me fucking listening to and sincerely enjoying i believe i can fly okay thanks jordan i just needed to get that off my chest problem your your uh your acceptance sure of i'm i'm saying you just said all of that okay let's get back to you drinking during the day oh yeah why don't we uh yeah so i i uh i drank uh in the middle of the day today which is not something i usually do uh i feel like i'm if i if i if i pass the two beer mark uh i've got two options

uh go nap nap go sleepy sleep, or turn into a boob. And one of the problems is if you're at work, you're having a work lunch, or even if it's just an afternoon, you're having lunch with friends, you might not have your binky, so it might be hard not to go nap-nap. Yeah, I don't have my binky. And anyway, so that happened today. Over the course of this kind of afternoon shooting outdoors, I had about five beers. And then I had to stop and then come over here, and I feel insane.

Right now? I currently feel insane. What kind of shit are you thinking about doing? All kinds of stuff. Okay, let's talk about it. Removing my shoes. Okay. Going out of doors and living there you're thinking about pulling a a move uh like our like our old friend from our kzse days bob

de bolt sure the 65 year old man who lived under a tarp in the woods and uh carried food in ziploc bags uh yeah i don't know. Brandon, thoughts on drinking in the morning, drinking in the afternoon, drinking in the non-designated bar times? I mean, I can't even make it to one beer. Oh, you can't finish a beer. Like, I, yeah, I'll just be like, oh, that's filling. That's enough for me I am satiated and full

Sure Drinking that half a beer So wait So do you not Do you not ingest hard liquor either? I kind I will But I'm not like

Oh I gotta go drinking I gotta go drinking It's like Sure Not like you Not like me Who's an amoral Yeah It's like If you're having fun It like me, who's an amoral... Yeah, it's like...

If you're having fun, it can make it more fun. If you were shooting, how did you come to drink five beers? Were there no soft drinks available? No, I mean, it was just kind of the culture of what was going on. I mean, everybody was having beers, and then I was having them, and it was fun. We were having a nice time. That's kind of amazing.

The whole – it's sort of like what I'm imagining right now is like the craziest company picnic ever being your day-to-day workplace. Yeah, no. I mean this was with some kind of alternate – this was with some skateboard dudes. Okay. These are not my usual coworkers. These are some dudes who this is their lifestyle.

Now, hold on. Was it that scary Nazi dude that came over to my house one time? No, it was not. It was a tape voiceover. It was not Dwayne Peters. Okay. So this is just kind of how these guys work. They are drink throughout the dayers, and they've gotten used to this, and they can function, and I'm sure right now they don't feel insane are these are you talking about

professional uh professional television guys who are from the skateboard culture or professional skateboard guys who occasionally do television oh okay so so uh so yeah i am uh i would think that if you were a skateboard guy this is a lifestyle that requires precision sure um yeah no i mean well these i i not to say anything bad about them but they are not famous skateboarders uh they're not maybe competing at a very high level but i would say that the the lower the level that you're competing at yeah in this area the more significant and frequent the negative consequences of drinking too much during the day would say, let's say, confront you. Sure.

Yeah. In the form of, say, a bruise or abrasion. Sure. A rolled ankle. Yeah. A shinner. Yeah. These are all things.

Maybe, yes. Can't speak to that. All I know is that these guys were keen on drinking in the afternoon, and I kind of went with it. Yeah, I imagine a professional skateboarder is just constantly operating on, like, Winston Churchill levels of stress. Not to mention Winston Churchill levels of drunkenness. Yeah.

I would like it if they were operating on Winston Churchill levels of decorum, specifically in the area of dress. And also if they were operating in Winston Churchill levels of fatness. And generally Tweedledum and Tweedledee-esque body shape. Because that would make skateboarding a lot more fun to watch. Yeah. So I don't – this really brought to light how I interact with alcohol. And I would maybe like to think that I'm a better drinker, but I guess I'm just not.

I guess it's all or nothing for me. I guess it's have a sip of something or turn into a boob because now I'm totally affective-less. I am not effective. I'm saying affective-less. You're unaffected. I'm unaffected. And I don't feel like I'm doing a good job on the podcast and I think I'm going to like – If I gave you the SAT right now, your score would come up R. Kelly.

Right. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. You'd call the hotline. They'd say K R. Kelly. Right. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. So, yeah. You'd call the hotline. They'd say Kells. Sure. And so I don't know, like,

I mean, I guess I would like to be a better drinker. I think I turn into a boob too easily. Which is something I'm concerned about. I'd like to be one of those. And I think I'm fun. I think I'm fun to drink with. When you say you turn into a boob,ob are you do you feel like you're pursuing uh activities with negative consequences no are you starting fights no and that's are you making friends with

that scary nazi skateboarder guy no i think i'm just loud and not as funny as i think i am and uh yeah i think just maybe i just am drunker than everybody else in the room uh so anyway so i would like to i mean i would like to become someone who can you know drink i i don't know is it it's not a goal to be someone who could drink throughout the day but i would i would feel better if i was able to well i think i had the skill i mean actually jordan it's funny that you brought this up and wanted to talk about this um uh the reason why brandon and i your two closest friends have you here today my two college chums is not actually to do a podcast. Oh, boy. This is what's called an intervention. Here it comes. You're not drinking enough throughout the day.

And when you do drink enough throughout the day, you behave like a boob. We'd like you to drink more and more consistently so that you can control your behavior while severely influenced by alcohol. Yeah. Do you want to say some ways in which my not drinking enough has hurt you? Yeah.

Recently, we were at the MaximumFun.org company picnic, and we were each taking turns taking a swing at the piñata, which is sort of Mexican candy donkey. Go on. Brandon, you were there. You remember this. Brandon was scheduled to go up first. He, of course, had been drinking a lot and missed the piñata. You were scheduled to go up second.

Me third. And then the children who were at the party. Sure. Big time Gene O'Neill's various illegitimate children. Also Ashkahn's. Oh yes, those two fuck machines. And I remember I was excited that I'd get to take some swings,

but I knew that because we had all been drinking so much, there was no way we would ruin it for the children. But, of course, on your first swing, being as sober as you were, you cracked the head off of that piñata or... Mexican candy donkey. And spilled the candy for everyone, and then you went ahead and collected most of it for yourself. And specifically, I think you got almost all of the Bitto honeys,

and I was really hoping for some Bitto honeys. Yeah, wow. I'm sorry, I don't... I wrote that letter to you because I care about you. You sealed it. You never mailed it. Right. Yeah because I care about you. You sealed it. You never mailed it. Right.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if I should just swear off midday alcohol completely or if there's some sort of training regimen that I can undergo. Here's a question. Maybe I'm speaking out of school when I suggest this, but do you think that you might benefit from, say, drinking three beers rather than five beers? I think I would feel not as insane, but still insane. Or alternating beers with shots. Oh, you know what?

That's it. That's actually, you know what? That's the one I'm doing. That's the one I'm doing. Yeah, beer shot, beer shot. Yeah, beer shot, beer shot. I'm trying to think of a funny rhyme. Beer shot, beer shot. Then a boob become you'll not.

Yep, that's it. That's actually the old wives rhyme I was thinking of. The old wives rhyme. Sure. As R. Kelly would put it. Beer shot, become so successful, you'll soon buy a yacht.

I think that's the old wives rhyme, isn't it? I think that is the wives rhyme, or W-R. Yeah. Anyway, so two questions for the community. One, are yeah um anyway so so two questions for the uh for the for the community uh-huh one is there continuity in super mario brothers right two how do i become better at drinking in the afternoon

answers answers uh for jordan 206-9844 fun is our phone number or you can email us at jj go at maximum fun.org uh we'll be back in just a second specifically does new super mario brothers we take place in the same universe as super mario 3 okay do you want to bring do you want to bring that one fred savage movie into this oh the wizard oh i don't know if that yeah also what about the john leguizamo super mario brothers movie is that part of the continuity not canon i can pretty. I can pretty much say that definitively. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us, the great Brandon Bird. Yo. Jordan Jesse Go t-shirts, my friend. Yeah. These are probably the best t-shirts that money can buy.

Sure. Certainly the most attractive t-shirts that money can buy. Soft, durable. One of the most flattering t-shirts that money can buy. A nice length. Beautiful length, Beautiful length. Beautiful hand. If you want to talk about fabrics, you're going to want to talk about hand.

Oh, yeah. And if you're talking about these Jordan Jesse Go t-shirts, you're talking about a fine hand. A fine hand. Two designs. We're talking about one. It's a classy red on heathered black. I bet you didn't know heathered black even existed. It does, and it's awesome.

It's really cool. It's classy, says JJ Go on it. Yeah. One has our beautiful profiles. Sure. So somebody's going to come up to you and say, hey, who are those two fat nerds on your chest? Who are those fat nerds?

And you'll say, oh, those are my internet friends, Jordan and Jesse. And they'll say, do you know them? Have you ever met them in real life? And you'll say, yes, once at a meetup. And that will prove that you're not a nerd. The other one just says, JJ Go. Both very handsome, both very available at MaximumFun.org.

Along with a bunch of other awesome stuff. It's all at MaxFunStore.com, MaxFunStore.com. Or if you's all at maxfundstore.com, maxfundstore.com. Or if you're ever at maximumfund.org, you can always click through the link there in the brought to you by in the upper right-hand corner. But maxfundstore.com for all this cool stuff. And you can even, I'm just going to throw this out there. Sure.

They will give you a price break if you buy three shirts. Now, I know what you're saying, Jordan. I'm choosing one Sound of Young America shirt, one Jordan Jesse Go shirt. That's all the shirts I need. I only need one from each. And I don't want the Max Fund shirt because I'm a dick.

But I do want the price break. Now, Brandon. Yes. I'm just checking in with you here. Is there a solution to this problem? Hopefully we're thinking about the same solution here but yeah if i'm familiar with the max fun store right which i think i am just sure absolutely i think you you visited the max fun yeah yeah yeah it's part of the topataco family of stores yes so basically anything else on their site counts as that extra item to get the discount.

But here's the thing. If I'm not buying a shirt about my favorite podcast, I want it to be something artistic but also delightful. And I find that there's not enough fine art available in T-shirt form and also that the fine art that is available in T-shirt form is insufficiently delightful. And it's also really hard to find something that's related to like Law & Order or whatever. Well, it's funny you should say that exact precise combination of attributes. But I also have some t-shirts for sale on the Topatico family of stores. Holy shit. So you're telling me that if I type in maxfundstore.com into the internet,

it will take me directly to the maximum fun store i can select which maximum fun related t-shirts i want and then all i have to do is go up to the left hand navigation bar and go up to brandon bird click on brandon bird and then i can get other cool t-shirts and a price break that's entirely correct you can go to all the other why am i listening to a podcast right now? I don't know. I've got to get out of here. Jesse, they can do both. Holy moly. A podcast is just audio. It's just audio. It doesn't require any other kind of attention.

MaxFunStore.com. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Yes. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Brandon Byrd, no nickname. What happened to Painter of Light?

Oh, okay. I like Painter of Light. Okay, yeah, that's fine. I just forgot the whole first hour of this program. You guys watch the Antiques Roadshow, right? No. Nope. No?

Nope. New topic, Monster Quest. That's a show I like. You guys do watch the Antiques Roadshow, right? No. Nope. No? Nope. New topic. Monster Quest. That's a show I like. You guys do watch the Antiques Roadshow. You guys are just pulling my leg. No, uh-uh.

What do you watch? Collector's Corner on FX? Surf Fresh Daily? I basically watch the Futurama movies over and over again. So if you want to talk about that.

You guys have seen the Antiques Roadshow, right? I don't think I've ever even seen it. I'm aware of the concept of it. I know what those two words individually mean. Although you're a little confused by the combination of road and show. Yeah. It's like a medicine, traveling medicine show, a road show.

Yeah, and they're like trying to sell antiques as like a cure-all. I'll explain to you. A kind of tonic, an elixir.. And they're like trying to sell antiques. As like a cure-all. I'll explain to you. A kind of tonic. An elixir. Yeah. They're like, buy this 16th century porcelain thingamabob or we'll cure you right up. You're a dropsy. I'm going to talk to you about something really important that happened on the Antiques Roadshow this week.

Okay. Probably wasn't important. My wife and I. Probably wasn't. Just saying. Okay. Continue. I'm sorry. I don't mean to. roadshow this week okay probably wasn't important my wife probably wasn't just saying okay if you i'm sorry i don't mean to if you watched antiques roadshow we don't then you would already know we don't for example about roadshow f tompkins the appraiser on the antiques roadshow who looks in dresses like paul f tompkins okay that's just one example of the shit that you're missing out on here. Sure.

But this is more important than that. Much more important. My wife and I enjoy, my wife Teresa and I enjoy watching the Antiques Roadshow every Monday evening at 8 right here in Los Angeles

on KCET Public Television. God, you guys are gay. We love... So gay. We love to check out here. If you don't, if you're not familiar with the Roadshow,

here's what it is. They go to a town host Mark L. Wahlberg, a.k.a. the world's shittiest Mark Wahlberg. So you think regular Mark Wahlberg is better? Oh, if Ray, I would, I think, I don't just think he's better overall. I think he would be better at hosting the Antiques Roadshow. And you're taking into account the movie max pain i am i think i think mark l walberg is probably the single worst television host on television wow and you continue to love the show oh god do i love it is this based on the concept or is he does he does very little on this show. He does one segment in the middle, and he does intros and outros,

which are weird combinations of green screen or not green screen. It's completely random whether it's going to be green screened in or not green screened in. Maybe they shoot one every time they're on location, but sometimes they don't use it because the sound comes out badly, so they just shoot it later in the green screen studio. So it's like the use of subtitles versus dubbing on iron shop exactly that is totally random isn't it yeah um so so uh he does he does have this one regular uh he does have one regular segment in the middle where whatever city the roadshow is in he'll go and check out say uh bathing beauty

figurines in atlantic city so it's like a classic atlantic city thing or he'll a regional furniture type or just something that's it was specific to where they are um that's fucking a snooze every time just a super snooze every time as opposed to the rest of the show to the rest of the antiques which is dynamic there's also this creepy moment at the end where he does the outro to the show and then as the credits start to roll he turns he he does it on the floor of a convention center with all these people waiting to have their objects appraised behind him he turns and walks away from the camera and in the exact same sort of show hosting tone,

he surprises someone who's waiting in line by talking to them in a completely innocuous kind of like after the credits start rolling way, not in an interview type way, but in that way that like, you know, Pat Sajak is talking to a contestant as they go to commercial. He'll just go up to somebody and say, so what have you got there? And they'll be like, huh?

It's horrible. It just makes me so uncomfortable. And then you look down and he's hanging the brain. Yeah, exactly. So I hate Mark L. Wahlberg, but I love The Roadshow. And my wife and I watch it. And like many people, I'm sure, who watch The roadshow, you have this thing where you see something really great and you say, oh, if I was rich, I would buy that. Because I'm not in a position with the amount of money I make to be buying antiques left and right for retail price.

I can buy something in an estate sale at a garage sale. You can certainly steal an antique. Oh, of course. I mean, given my skill set. an estate sale at a garage sale. You can certainly steal an antique. Oh, of course. I mean, given my skill set. Or make one and wait. Make something. Pass away. I mean, given A, my skills as a lockpick, and B, my facility with dovetailing.

Certainly either of those options. I thought you said duck-tailing. Don't start that again. It's pronounced dark tailing um uh so ducking so basically what what happens on the show is they have this group of experts they have an expert on every kind of antique and a person will bring in some item and they'll put it up on a pedestal and they'll say, you know, where'd you get it? They'll tell the story. Oh, it's been in my family for 150 years or whatever. And they'll say, oh, I bought it a garage sale for 30 cents. And then the appraiser will talk about its history and talk about why it's

special or why it isn't special. And, and then they'll say, and, and at auction it would earn X amount. Although sometimes to be fair, they'll give the retail value. And sometimes they'll give the insurance value. I don't understand why they can't just get everybody on the same page there. The auction value, the insurance value, or the retail value. Pick one. Okay. That's beside the point.

These are some hilarious observations, by the way. These are really good. This is Seinfeld in his heyday. What is the deal for the Antiques Roadshow? You like my Seinfeld impression? There are certainly What is the deal?

There are certainly objects in any Antiques Roadshow that anyone would love to have in their home. Beautiful objects. Spectacular arts and crafts table, or a ball signed by the entire 1934 Yankees team. These are the kinds of things that you can see every Monday night between 8 and 9 on your local PBS station on the Antiques Roadshow.

When is Huell Hauser on? Just before the roadshow. Oh, my God. I consider Huell Hauser and the roadshow kind of a double whammy. Kind of a must-see TV. Yeah, it's really Seinfeld and mad about you. Huell Hauser is a local California thing. So let's just put it this way.

If you don't live in Southern California, you're not familiar with Huell Hauser, you really need to Google that shit because it's amazing. It's a magical thing that's on television. But every once in a while, something great. I saw Huellhauser once go to a dam. And the guy was explaining the dam to him. And he said, So this is like a bank where you store your water money. Kuehlhauser is an amazing man. We met him in real life.

He came to the launch and put this on. And just the sweetest man. All white linen. Dressed entirely in white linen. Oh, just what a nice man Kuehlhauser was. That's amazing. Like a Georgia County Commissioner. Okay. Oh, just what a nice man Kuehlhauser was. That's amazing. Like a Georgia County commissioner. Okay.

Yeah, exactly. So, Kuehlicide. I love the Antiques Roadshow. Kuehlicide is when you kill Kuehlhauser. Kuehlicide. Well, it's not just Huell Hauser. It's come to mean when you murder any beloved local television institution. Sure.

So Dennis Richmond. If you killed Dennis Richmond, it would be a Huellicide. Certainly if you killed Doug McConnell, the host of Bay Area Backroads. Sure. NBC4's Fritz Kuhlman. Every once in a while, something truly special happens on The Roadshow. And this Monday, something more special than anything I've ever experienced before. More special than when I lost my virginity.

It's a fuel house. More special than when I learned how to ride a bicycle. More special than the day I graduated from college. The greatest thing that has ever happened to me was seeing this object on the Antiques Roadshow. It is a German pull toy of a plush pig. It's a surprising... I learned from the appraisal that it is a surprisingly large pig. And it's unusual to see a pig. It's a surprising, I learned from the appraisal that it is a surprisingly large pig

and it's unusual to see a pig. Normally you would expect to see a goat, but in this case, it's rare to see a pig. I have posted it on the Maximum Fun blog and I will post it in the discussion thread for the forum so that those of you who aren't watching the live stream can see it. And frankly, the people who are watching the live stream will have to visit MaximumFun.org and scroll down on the blog. It is this pig right here. Oh. Now, Jordan, maybe you could help me describe this pig.

It's a terrifying pig. This pig is white it has surprisingly long fur it looks like feathers i mean from here it is a feather like long fur absolutely it has a collar a studded collar um it looks very both very realistic and very much of the late 19th century early 20th century yeah um it has wheels why do you want that um it seems like it would give you nightmares and it has teeth yeah it's bearing its teeth too now it's in some sort of attack pose jordan it it has individual teeth and it has this nose is made of paper mache here sure um now this is a this is a great pig

what i'm gonna what i'm gonna do um just just for you guys's benefit is i'm gonna try and see if i can pull up here um on the internet the video of the appraisal of this pig okay um by the way i'm thinking about different names i was thinking about different names for him. Are you trying to buy this? I settled on Chompers. Okay. Because of his big chompers. Because of his chompers. But it's not just the function of his teeth or the presence of his teeth.

It's the amazing, I would say, operation of his teeth it's the amazing i would say operation of his teeth uh what you are about to see in a moment on this video is that he is not just any pig he's not a static pig some pig i was just about to say that he is some pig that's why we're buddies jesse we think of the same charlotte's web joke at the same time. So as you can see, this mild mannered man is simply introducing this pig to the people.

He's saying, you know, he bought it in the 1970s for $200, which was no small amount of money for him at the time. They're zooming in on the pigs. I don't know. How would you describe those teeth teeth brandon how would you describe the pig's teeth uh don't take the bait you don't have to you don't have to describe the pig and this appraiser who's one of my favorite appraisers he's a uh uh sort of an overweight guy with a pigtail he he appraises a lot of toys

ponytail uh he loves toys yeah got pigs on the brain. Sometimes when they give an appraisal, instead of giving a dollar amount, do they ever just recommend the person take the item into a backyard and burn it and then move? Because that is... Because it will release evil spirits?

What I really don't want you guys to miss is that in a moment, this pig is going to start moving and it is going to blow your mind. From time to time, they do recommend a good old-fashioned exorcism, and I think that's what Noel Barrett, appraiser Noel Barrett, may recommend here. This is really, I mean, this pig, it may be not just the single greatest thing in the history of the Antiques Roadshow, but the single greatest object in the history of man. I don't get it. I don't get what you're supposed to say. Yeah.

Some people would love – some people would love – Are you using great as, like, good? Or great as in, like, looking into the maw of – Look at its mouth go. Look at its mouth go. Look at its mouth go. When you pull it, its mouth goes... And it also, what you can't hear right now... Look at it go.

Look at its little mouth. Look at its mouth go open and closed. I think you have a brain disease. What's your problem? Have you been drinking? Yeah, right? I feel like I'm the one who's been drugged recently, but I'm feeling remarkably clear-headed by comparison.

What's your problem? I want to point out that opinion in the chat room right now is decidedly pro-chompers. As people take the opportunity, they avail themselves of the opportunity to check out this amazing pig. This is probably the greatest single thing that has appeared on Jordan Jesse Go.

This is the best segment in the history of Jordan Jesse Go, Chompers the Pig. So you're saying the best segment in the history of our show. Right. Better than some of the other beloved segments. Jesse Thorne with an E at the end, British sports reporter,

Hang It Up, Keep It Up, Would you rather judge john hodgman um uh chris fairbanks chris fairbanks the time me and chris fairbanks talked about hearst castle all of these were great moments but chompers the pig is the single greatest moment in the history of Jordan and Jesse Go. I don't know. I'm not nuts about this podcast. You know what? I'm not going to say anything. I'll just let you have your moment.

Thank you. Can we all enjoy this moment together? Just look at this beautiful pig. You kind of have to be by yourself over there. I want to leave. You can enjoy it. It's somewhere else. Oh, boy.

Now he's jacking off. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Okay, cool. You want to do some telephone calls? Sure, let's do it. That pig's not amazing to you? He's crazy looking. That's what's so great about him.

He's so terrifying and adorable at the same time oh i don't know maybe he's got little wheels every single person in this chat chat room who is against chompers is off my fucking friends list wow in fact you've made it onto my enemies list n Nixon style. Gee, wow. Every single one of you out there. I see people like Julia Clare, who's on board. She knows how fucking great Chompers the Pig is. But then I see bullshit people like IJ, who says he's a demon pig. I'm against that.

Probably closer to the truth. Yeah, I'm with I.J. Oney Davin. So how much did this creature appraise for? Yeah, right. How much did it? $2,000. $2,000 to $2,500.

You can come up with that, I'm sure. That's what I said. This is the first thing in the history of the Antiques Roadshow where I said, I would buy that for the full appraised value right now. Wow. I would pay $2,500 for that pic. Is that an option of the show? Is that a feature of the show? No, sadly not.

I mean, sometimes the people do put the stuff on auction, but they don't, you know, add promoted in the show or anything. It's really about the, it's about the evaluation. Most people are, a lot of people are bringing in like family heirlooms and things like that. Gowns. Jamie Elise, on my enemies list. She says he's creepy. He is creepy.

Thank you. Pat PTRQ says, not only does he not understand the anti-Antiques Roadshow people, he certainly doesn't understand the anti-Chompers people. Because Chompers is the greatest pig in the history. the anti-Chompers people because Chompers is the greatest pig in the history. Oh, Alex says Chompers is a demon pig, but he's the world's most wonderful demon pig, which I'm willing to accept.

Okay, look, we're going to take some calls now. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Brandon. And other things, yeah. I think people... You don't just paint light. If you people out there have not looked at Brandon Bird's website, it's too bad that we've just missed Valentine's Day. People could order some Valentine's Day cards. Yeah, they could still order them and get... We could have them for next year. Absolutely.

You got some wonderful Valentine... Tell me a little bit about your Valentine's Day cards before we get to taking calls. A couple years ago, I made a Law & Order Special Victims Unit Valentine's. Special Victims Unit, that's the rape one. Yeah, that's the sex crimes one. Okay. So naturally.

So I'm not a fan of Law & Order, but I'm aware that there's a rape one. Yeah, and that's naturally the perfect subject matter for Children's Valentine's. Sure. Is this the one where Jeff Goldblum rapes people? That's Jurassic Park. Okay. Take it from me, the dinosaur expert. He solves crimes on criminal intent.

With LL Cool J. No, that's NCIS Los Angeles. I'm sorry. Where does Jerry Orbach fit into all of this? Jerry Orbach starred for 12 seasons on the original Law and Order. Okay. And then he retired and then he passed. That's very sad.

Yeah. Thanks for bringing everybody down with all this Valentine's Day talk. Wait, so which characters from the show are on the Valentines? Wait, is it the one with Ice-T? Yes. He rapes people. Ice-T solves rapes and murders on Law & Order Special Victims Unit. Okay.

And you could, from me, acquire a Valentine of him looking very fierce with the caption, I'm on your tail. Oh, that's nice. Because he's a tail enthusiast. Yeah, that's right. He likes big-butted women. And he tracks down people. Catches them. Because he's a tail enthusiast. He likes big-butted women. And he tracks down people, catches them. So it's a pun.

Yeah, we're all punny. Shall we, gentlemen, open the floor to some telephone calls? Yes! I thought that's what we were going to do. Hey, guys, this is a question for Jordan Jesse Goh. I have a... Number one, great, because that's who we are. A jacket that I picked up in a thrift store.

It's kind of a brown, you know, kind of truck driver's jacket. And it has a name embroidered on the chest, and the name is Flip, which I think is pretty good. And I want to start using that as my name for when I, you know, order food in a restaurant or, you know, have to give my name for coffee because it's much easier to remember than my actual name. But I think that Flip needs a last name and the question is which is a better last name or which is a better name?

Flip McGinnis or Flip McManus? Flip McGinnis or Flip McManus? I feel immediately a strong kinship with Flip McManus. I feel like, I feel immediately a strong kinship with Flip McManus. Yeah.

I feel like we should ask this guy how old he is too. Really? Maybe we shouldn't encourage this kind of behavior. You know that he's not, he's not live. I know.

Sorry. That was a recording of his voice. Yes, yes. Okay. I just, I know you've had some beers. I can't read.

Jordan, can I ask you to touch your nose with your finger? Ah! Oh, I yelled. Instead of do that. You're acting like a real boob right now. I'm sorry.

I've crossed over into boob territory. You know, I... Okay. Here's the litmus test I have. No, no, no. Here's the thing. Oh, I'm sorry, Brandon. McGinnis sounds kind of old, but McManus is everlasting. That guy can have that name now.

He can wear it on into full adulthood. Yeah. And I'm going to say if he's going to the trouble of wearing a jacket that says Flip and ordering food with the name Flip. He might as well just go by Flip. He might as well just legally change his name to Flip. I mean, what's so good about whatever name he has? Yeah.

I mean... How many variety shows have been hosted by whatever his real name was that I don't remember? Right. Wilson. Absolutely. Yeah. Like, do you feel like maybe there's a cutoff

for wearing a jacket with somebody else's name on it? This is my litmus test. Yes, 1995. Yeah. I did that in high school. Do you feel like maybe there's a cutoff for wearing a jacket with somebody else's name on it? This is my litmus test. Yes, 1995. Yeah. I did that in high school. 96, let's call it. To be fair, you were a member of the Ska community.

And for the Ska community, time was arrested in roughly 1994. Yeah, yeah. There was what we call a Ska vortex or vortex or a ska text there was a tear in the space-time continuum uh and i just i knew i kind of looked back on caused by the great simultaneous skanking of 1993 um and i look back on anything that i did in high school with uh um by what the community calls god's trombone sure um with maybe maybe I shouldn't have done that slash I'm glad I only did that in high school. Uh-huh. Yeah.

So I'm wondering if this is something we should encourage in people. Kind of like – Just wearing up someone else's name on a jacket or work shirt or something. In the movie Step Brothers, the Yoda t-shirt that John C. Reilly wore as a brilliant gag for most of the movie i recognized as the yoda return of the jedi shirt i wore like every week in high school at the moment he walked out with that shirt i was just like oh that's hilarious and so was i yeah um okay well i'm so are we is our argument that we should ban him from wearing the jacket at all? If he is in his teens, I think it's cool.

Okay. And the name should be McManus. And by cool, you mean acceptable. It's certainly not cool. Sure, sure, sure. I don't know. There's no Steve McQueen in this. No, I think the bold artistic choice wouldn't would just be to

legally change your name to match your jacket yes that's that's what i have to say and commit hard but you know i it's i think it's fine to be goofy in high school i mean you might as well be that than mopey you know okay done it's my thing anyway hi jordan, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. This is Caroline. I had what I consider to be a momentous occasion. It's not. It's a moment of shame. I had a dream last night. There were a lot of absurd elements to it, one of which was a commercial for Cisco Telepresence.

I know this probably doesn't sound that momentous by itself, because, I mean, who doesn't dream about the wonderful Cisco telepresence? What's momentous about it to me is that I have feared being brainwashed since I can remember. It's been my biggest fear. I'm going to interject here and say that we discussed Cisco telepresence. After Cisco telepresence was awkwardly shoehorned into an episode of 30 Rock, we awkwardly shoehorned it into a Jordan Jesse Go

and claimed that Jordan Jesse Go was sponsored by Cisco Telepresence. And in fact, today, Brandon Bird is joining us via Cisco Telepresence. He's actually in Butte, Montana. I have never listened or respected people in authority because I fear they're trying to brainwash me. listened or respected people in authority because I fear they're trying to brainwash me. But clearly, you two have done it with your talk of Cisco telepresence.

And I would like to thank you because it's much, much nicer than I could have ever imagined. We honestly can't... Power to brainwash! Yes! So... Jordan...

I'm going to start abusing it now. I have a question for you. What? Do you think that this was really because of our power, or do you think that it was because of the fluoride in the public water supply? Jesse, you're both wrong. It's chemtrails. Brandon, we have a segment on the show called Momentous Occasions

where we ask people to call in and tell us when something momentous has happened to them. Let's go to the Momentous Occasions. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Whoa. Let me go ahead and not say my name for this moment. My eyes have grown wide. my eyes have grown wide.

This guy, from the moment he called in, I was having flashbacks about when we used to take calls on The Sound of Young America in our college days, and just the stonedest stony dudes would call in. Remember that one guy who would always call in and say, up the butt? No, but that's great. I don't get it. We were at a college.

Where were these people calling from? I know. Isn't that weird? It's great. I don't get it. We were at a college. Where were these people calling from? I know. Isn't that weird? It's weird. You wouldn't think that in a straight-laced city like Santa Cruz. Yeah. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse.

Wait, wait. That clip right there should be at the top of every show you do. Yeah. It's just the opener before you guys say anything. We should do the theme song and then egg Jordan and Jesse. He's keeping himself anonymous because this is the momentous occasion that most closely straddles the line between momentous occasion and moment of shame in the history of momentous occasion. This sounds like a character from someone's Saturday Night Live reel. This sounds like a comedy character, but go ahead.

It's not. It's all too real. Okay. Speaking of real, he keeps it real. Well, I was recently getting a physical for some sports, and we put this thing in the spring. I also want to say that this is a little bit vulgar. Okay.

And I have a female doctor, I guess guess like for my family in strong high school i also want to say it's not going where you think it's going okay there's a surprise okay because i think it's going someplace weird she was checking me for uh like hernia as i guess it is. And she was, like, kneeling in front of me. Oh, my God, I can't even tell anyone this. I sneezed, and the only way I can live with it is my dick just kind of, like, flopped on her face. And then we kind of just, like, both, like, sat there for a minute and just pretended like it never happened.

Wow, it's more of a moment of shame than a moment of suspicion. But I love this show, guys. Keep it up. Thanks. Bye. Oh. Like, you picture, I don't know, my experience listening to this was that you picture that it's going to be about prostates or up the butt or he's going to get a boner. Maybe this is one of the rare straddlings of our show in the penthouse forum.

Yeah. This is, you know, but no. It's about this moment that's so sad. Just the saddest moment. I don't know. I don't think that was sad. I wasn't particularly bummed. I'm more bummed out by that fucking devil pig.

I don't know. You're talking about my friend Chompers? Yeah, the one that's still on your computer screen. I don't know. I mean, I feel like your computer screen. I don't know. I mean, I feel like if nobody said anything, I don't know. Dick on the face? I don't think it was on. But it was a sneeze.

That's why I like this story. The guy is so sincere, too. I feel like one thing about those stoner guys who talk like that is that they're being sincere. I think if there's a moral to this story, it's just sort of like, well. One thing about those stoner guys who talk like that is that they're being sincere. Sure. I think if there's a moral to this story, it's just sort of like, well. Which there certainly is. Yeah, things happen. Sometimes your dick will flop on your doctor's face. Do you think that there's any chance that this could be turned into an episode of Law & Order Special Victims?

Yeah. And in related news, who's the victim? Ice-T. No, Ice-T would have just one line, and it would be some sort of really bad one-liner. Okay, we need to get out of this D on the F talk and get back to a more momentous occasion. Just some F talk.

Hi, JJ Goh. This is Eric. I'm from Plattsburgh, New York. I am calling with a momentous occasion. Today was my last day of jury duty, and the trial concluded. And today in deliberations, I'm pretty sure I made a woman, another woman, a member of the jury, cry. But to my credit, she did deadlock the jury and called the mistrial, so I feel pretty justified. He feels justified?

What? What kind of case was it? Did a murderer go free? I feel like I need more information on this yeah was that was the was the crime non-severe enough to where you feel justified holding up the legal process because of some weird argument you had quick question which which side of the case were you voting on sam waterston's side or the other person's side i you know i know we encourage people to keep well if he but that that needed so much if you were on sam waterston's side i you know i know we encourage people to keep it pithy but that that needed so much more on sam watterson's side he he wouldn't want to mistrial right because if it

was just him and one other person holding out yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm not misremembering no you're not at all so he wants here he but what i'm asking is which side is he fighting for he would be fighting for he probably he would probably if it's that kind of he would probably rather have a mistrial than have the defendant acquitted well it for example well i i mean i i assume from that that that everybody because look i'm not gonna get into an extended discussion of Law & Order continuity with you. I heard somewhere that the Law & Orders cross over sometimes. Sometimes, but not too often anymore.

Okay. Didn't they cross over with Homicide Life on the Streets at one point? Yes, they did. They did on three and a half occasions. Three and a half? Holy shit. There were three full, like, two-part episodes, and then there was one

where, like, in the first scene, Chris Noth shows up, and they have a conversation, and they hand over their suspect, who I believe was John Waters. That is crazy. Okay, this sounds like this is linked to a theory

I heard recently. And I'm pretty sure that was not a dream. You do dream a lot about john and he is doing some fucked up and illegal shit yeah uh like that there was a tv show with the famous finale where the whole thing was just happening in an autistic kid's mind yeah someone told me recently that because of saint elsewhere's crossovers, which include Homicide Life on the Street, that you can make the supposition that every TV show is happening in the mind of this autistic child.

Brandon, is this something you know anything about? I've heard of that. I have not watched St. Elsewhere. Wasn't there a character that has been in all of these shows? That would be Richard Belzer's John Munch. The Bell. Who has been. He was on The Wire or something, wasn't he?

Okay, okay. He started in Homicide Live on the Street. Then that show, you know, crossed over into Law and Order. So he had like some team up adventures with Lenny Briscoe. And then when Homicide ended and Special Victims Unit started, they were like, well, everyone likes this guy already. Let's bring him over. And they spun him into another TV show.

And in addition to those two shows, as a regular since 1993, he has been playing the same character in The X-Files. What? Yeah, it was like the lone gunman's origin. They're in Baltimore for a convention, and they end up in jail, and they're telling their story to John.

The bells. He also actually was featured in three of John Updike's rabbit novels. Rabbit munch. Yeah. Like the wire. I think some shows that like were canceled, like prime shows that make sense and arrested Arrested Development, which is the best. Fantastic.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Hampton, the nerd. And I was just walking to a restaurant. That's actually his. I'm not narrowing it down. That's his middle ages surname, Hampton the nerd. Just like it could have been Hampton. The have been Hampton the Furrier, et cetera. It was nice and cold out here in Cambridge,

and I was walking, and this guy walks up to me and my husband. No way. And he's like, hey, man, hey, it's really cold out. I got a question for you. But it was at that angle where I couldn't avoid. I'm a pretty good homeless avoider, but he was kind of in front. And so I had to look up and he goes, Hey, man, I'm not going to ask what you're expecting.

I'm not going to ask what you're expecting. Can I have some money? That's it. It's just a nice little story. That's great. Sure. It was what he was expecting. Yeah, you're a homeless guy.

He was expecting the panhandler to panhandle to him. If he had said something about, you know, I'm a gay gentleman like yourself, etc., etc., etc., that would have been unexpected. Yeah. Good morning, Jordan and Jesse. This is Scott from Coos Bay, Oregon. I work nights cleaning a bar for extra money, and I went into the ladies' room and found $20. And then I walked into the men's room and found a pint glass full of pee.

The world is in balance. Thank God. That's good. That was beautiful. I chose to close with that one because it has an elegiac note. I really like that someone peed in the pint glass. Either they did it in the restroom or peed in there and then took it in there. Or they ordered the pee.

Took it in the restroom and forgot about it. What happened is they ordered the pee, but then they were embarrassed to drink it in the bar. So they brought it to the bathroom where it's kind of were embarrassed to drink it in the bar yeah so they brought it to the bathroom where it's kind of more normal to drink sure but then they got distracted because they actually had to pee because everyone was peeing and it reminded them they had to pee you know how that shit works yeah then you run out of the bar yeah we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i am jesse thorn america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective what is brandon bird demon i like that you're not actually a demon though are you

no no i was thinking about that crazy pig demon demons on the brain um uh this is how it works here on jordan jesse go for those of you who don't know this and for you brandon uh for a hundred bucks we'll deliver your personal message to anyone out there in the jordan jesse go listener verse um which is what the continuity There's Jesse Goaverse. And it's Valentine's Day. So we have a special Valentine's Day message to John from his fiancée, Lucy. She says that she really loves him and she can't wait to marry him. And she understands that marrying him means that anytime Norbit is on TV, she's going to have to watch at least 10 minutes of it. Sounds like John's a big Norbit fan. Who isn't? Who isn't?

And you know. That's true. Everyone is. Either Lucy or her husband, John, John has posted pictures of their dog peanut, uh, on the maximum fun forum. And this is a premium dog. It's an adorable dog.

So I salute not only Lucy for sponsoring Jordan, Jesse go John for being a great future husband, but also peanut for being one hell of a pup. Good luck guys. Congratulations. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Brandon Byrd. It's great to have you. It's been so wonderful to have you here. You know, it really has. I mean, I've just seen how your face just lights up when you glance over at me right here i think about a lot of times i'll think about that one painting you made uh and it's just like kind of a just kind of a sears yeah that's sad lonely

sears that's yeah pretty much any sears but it's kind of a sweet sears too it has a sweetness about it yeah i mean that's that's just that's how i think sweet Sears, too. It has a sweetness about it. Yeah. I mean, that's just how I think of Sears. Do you remember, Brandon, you painted this painting in the residential college at UC Santa Cruz that we all went to, Porter College. You painted this painting of Abraham Lincoln as a kind of superhero. Yeah. I believe he had like an American flag cape and he was flying. Yeah.

superhero uh yeah i believe he had like an american flag cape and he was flying yeah and um i noticed today on boingboing.net the popular weblog um uh that on the cover of something called spider-man magazine which apparently is a magazine about spider-man i don't know what's going on with spider-man magazine. But it was Spider-Man with Abraham Lincoln. And it said, the adventures of Presidents Abraham Lincoln and Barack Obama. And I think that next to Abraham Lincoln was Barack Obama in a Captain America suit. next to Abraham Lincoln was Barack Obama in a Captain America suit. And I wonder if you have any insight into this, being a guy who once painted a picture of Abraham Lincoln as a superhero.

Well, I... You might be mis... I know they did like a Spider-Man meets Barack Obama comic last year. This is Spider-Man magazine. I'm talking about... This is a magazine. This is not a comic book. This is a magazine. I'm talking about – this is a magazine. This is not a comic book. This is a magazine. I know – I can't believe I'm going to finish this sentence.

But I know for a fact that Spider-Man magazine just collects like other Spider-Man comics from like the last year and like puts it in the grocery store for like moms to buy their little kids. Here, you like Spider-Man. It was Spider-Man magazine. So I imagine that that's not like new content but i can't believe i would have missed a spider-man barack obama abraham lincoln team up that's just that's complete america overtones yeah that's complete news to me if anyone has the inside track on Spider-Man magazine, you can get at us at 206-9844-FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org. Jordan. Yes.

You're not just the co-host of this program. No. You're also the president of one of the greatest contests of all time. Yes, that's the Hat Contest. It is going on now. There's a special thread on the forums. special thread on the forums. You can email pictures of yourself

or others that you've taken wearing hats to win special prizes. Right now we've got a real barn burner for most hats. This is sort of the grand prize. We're giving away prizes for whatever hats strike

us. Sure. Most hats, that's the big show. Yeah. We had a 32 hat video, then a picture of 40 hats, and then old 32 hat video came back with 52 hats. So he is currently in the lead with 52 hats. Now, the 52 hat video guy, do you remember what his name is? I don't. I feel like maybe it was Alex, but I might be misremembering that.

To be clear, when he sent in the 30-some hats video, he said, look, this isn't the be-all, end-all of hat videos. I just ran out of hats. Sure. What's amazing to me about it is that what it seems to suggest is that he had 30-some hats on hand, and he only had to go a field once he got to 36. Sure. He had to go a field to get that extra 16 to kick him up to 52, but he had 36. Yeah. How many hats do you think the average American has?

Three. You're thinking three? If you average it all out it'd be three I think there's probably research librarians Listening to this question right now That can tell us how many hats the average American has Yeah well It's going on Sounds like most hats is going to be tough to beat

Okay Of course we encourage you to try Can a person use shower caps? Did those count? Yes! Just a bunch of shower caps did those count no yes just a bunch of shower caps though i would okay i would say that if you're going for most hats yeah one of those can be a shower cap i don't want to see duplicate i think that's general i think uh you know but yeah so well i would here's here's the thing okay i would accept one instance of duplicate hats that is that is an entire pile

of 1989 san francisco giants hats that's a special prize that's that would win the don caveman robinson award for excellent in hat selection there's a hat based on something jesse's interested in category uh-huh that uh and since my primary interest borderline soul interest is i mean at the end of the day there are no hats built around chompers the amazing pig sure and so you have to go with the 1989 san francisco giants that's just facts yeah so yeah you know you can you can do pandering hats if you want to hats pandering to either of us. You know what I've been thinking? I would like to see a finely recreated in real life version of one of the illustrations from the book Caps for Sale. Okay. That's something I would like to see.

Millions of cats, anyone. Millions of cats. Yeah. There's a lot of options. And so email them to us at JJGo at MaximumFun.org. Jordan has been posting pictures and videos and links to them in the forum. Different people. You, of course, are welcome to post your picture directly in the forum at MaximumFun.org slash forum or forum.maximumfun.org.

The hat contest continuing apace. I say next time we get together, let's give out some prizes. Why not? Yes, prizes next time. If you have thoughts about the show, you want give out some prizes. Why not? Yes. Prizes next time. If you have thoughts about the show, you want to call in a momentous occasion, a moment of shame, you've got a question for us, any kind of feedback at all,

you can contact us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org jjgoe at maximumfun.org Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design courtesy of Light in the Attic Records from the great CD, Kites Are Fun, The Best of the Free Design. I'm still getting emails. I bought Kitesonbird.com or apparently painteroflight.com still. And I would like to mention that the Sound of Young America is sponsoring a comedy show here in Los Angeles on February 25th, Thursday, February 25th in downtown LA. It's called the Sound of Young America Presents Laugh Night. It's called The Sound of Young America Presents Laugh Night.

It's a benefit for a nonprofit here in Los Angeles called Art Share that does free arts classes for Los Angeles area teens and children, specifically at-risk teens and children. It's a really great organization. And we're doing it at their theater downtown. And we've got Greg Barrett, Don Glover, who you might know, Donald Glover, from NBC's Community and from Derek Comedy. We've got Karen Kilgariff, who's been a guest on this program, the former head writer of Ellen. And you might know her from Mr. Show. We've got our friend Nick Adams, a regular guest on Jordan, Jesse, Go. We've got a lot of great comics. They're all going to be performing sets to entertain you. And your $8 entrance fee,

all 100% of it, goes to fund these arts classes for kids. So we hope you'll do it. You can make reservations online at MaximumFun.org. It's in the events list in the right-hand side of the blog. That sounds like about it, huh?

Boom. We'll talk to you next time right here on Jordan Jesse Go. Bye!