Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 126: Ziggy After Dark with Dave Holmes

Episode Date: March 3, 2010

Television's Dave Holmes joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about Hydrox cookies, the St. Louis Arch and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddly, good friend, the consummate professional, Mr. Dave Holmes.

We talk about the St. Louis Arch Hydrox cookies and cheese nips. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective A beautiful evening record here in Los Angeles Just enjoying, just stretching out I'll tell you what I did, Jordan

Guided meditation Did you really do guided meditation? I really did a guided meditation To get me focused for the show tonight Wow You know why? Because you were feeling all over the place And because we've got a big star here, Jordan.

Okay, that too, yeah. You wanted to be extra zen. This guy... You felt like you weren't zen enough. This guy hosts six out of ten television programs on TV. We're talking... You're talking about the TV Guide channel. Not anymore.

Not anymore. Not anymore. Okay, The FX network Sure I don't know Something on like VH1 Or Much Music

Probably No Much Music does not exist anymore To my knowledge And I will occasionally I'm butting in Before I I blame you

We don't have those We don't have these weird rules You don't have rules? Oh good Okay good I'll talk Mr. Dave Holmes Is here You can't keep me from talking Oh it's so Okay, good. I'll talk. Mr. Dave Holmes is here.

You can't keep me from talking. Oh, it's such a joy. Thank you, man. It's a joy to be here. I'm a big fan. We've been hoping to have you on the show for quite some time. I enjoy reading your blog. Thank you.

We send each other nice, friendly emails. We sure do. I like a nice email, buddy Jordan. Yeah, who doesn't? Are you worried? Well, I guess this question goes out to both of you. Are you worried that you're going to spoil your email pen pal-ship by meeting in person? Never.

Really? Never, because it's more important, really. I mean, it's good to meet you in person, but I like a good email. Okay. Apparently, we met Dave Holmes in 2004, and he remembers this. Yeah, because you guys put on a very good show. It was a very, very funny show. We were on a bill together

for the listener. We were on a bill together in maybe the first ever San Francisco Sketch Fest or the second. First or second. One of the... The very first ones

it was just like Killing My Lobster and Danny and... It was just the San Francisco people. Okay. Maybe third one. Second or third one. It was an early one.

Yeah, very early sketch fest. And we were doing a sketch show at ImprovOlympic, and we came up and we were on a bill with you guys and Kasper Hauser. Yeah. And here's how I remember. There was a sketch that you were on a date that wasn't going well, and the date was talking to the waiter, and you were left out, and you said, I'm going to go home and watch CSI because it's my favorite CSI. Or no, no, I'm going to go home because CSI Miami is on and it's my favorite CSI.

Yeah. See, I fucked up your joke. Wow. I fucked up your joke. Dave called quoting directly from the sketch. But no, but I remember that. It made me laugh a lot. This is a magical moment in my life.

Yeah? Sure. I can't remember any lines from Brink the Dean sketches. Wow. God bless. Well, I can't remember any lines from Frank the Dean sketches. Wow. God bless. Well, I can't either until my second try. No, that would...

But... That's still... That's pretty solid performance. You got the gist of it. It was fun. And... Okay, maybe I can... Maybe I can remember one.

And... Okay. Do you... You guys had a Batman sketch. No. Okay, never mind then. I don't think we had a Batman sketch. Wait a minute.

Maybe we did. Wait, did you guys have the sketch where they keep going, riddle me this, the Batman? Yes, that was us. Oh, I remember that. We are equally considerate. We are just as considerate as you. This is really amazing. No, I mean, I'm not being considerate.

It was a really funny sketch. This is really, this is just great to have Dave Holmes here, isn't it? Doesn't it already feel great? This feels nice. Thank you, guys. Oh, this is fantastic. Like an old shoe. Yeah?

In a good way. Not in like, I'm bored of my wife kind of way. Smelly, get it out of the room thing. Like a, this is comfy. Okay, nice. This feels right. This feels good. I know.

Have either of you guys ever done a guided meditation before? I have, yeah. It's weird. No, it feels good. Have either of you guys ever done a guided meditation before? I have, yeah. It's weird. No, I haven't. Okay, so tell me about what were the circumstances that you did a guided meditation? I did twice. At my doctor, I go to this great doctor on Santa Monica. Wait, your doctor does guided meditations?

There is guided meditation in the office. It's the poor use of a doctor's time. Well, yeah. But actually, no, it's not my actual doctor who does the guided meditation. It's the guy you get your tinctures from. It's a marriage and family therapist who works in the same office. This is one of those sort of holistic places where there's like an osteopath and you can do Pilates and you can get massage. And it's all like if you have after health insurance, you can write it all off and pay a $15 copay.

It's all – like if you have after health insurance, you can write it all off and pay a $15 copay. It's kick ass. You know what I liked is also for the home listener, what you did is you demonstrated massage. I did this. Massage. Yeah. You don't have cameras, but yeah. Yeah. As though I were kneading bread.

Or sort of grabbing boobs. Two things of bread. Or grabbing boobs that were really far apart. Different boobs on different bodies. But why the punching motion, I wonder? Why the punching? I wonder what... Don't like boobs. Get out of here.

One thing to not like them, but one thing to strike them. It's a playful punch. Oh, okay. It's a playful punch. Get out of here, boob. Is this something that we didn't know about the gay community? That there's a lot of boob punching going on behind your back? Just because you're not interested in boobs? It's like noogieing.

Okay. It's like boob noogieing. So they're like a little brother. Yeah. It's like boob slapping. Okay. Oh, you. Get out of here with your nipple.

Oh, you boobs. Yeah. Get out. Okay. I got you. So the therapist there does a weekly sort of group guided meditation. Okay. And like that's his thing is like sort of you know

mental health through guided meditation and so i went and i did that and it was weird to meditate in uh in front of people yeah because a couple of them started crying wow which i wasn't prepared for wait what kind of meditation was this uh it was it was pretty tame let's start are you lying on your back uh some were it was kind of left up to you uh i was leaning against the wall okay um and uh sitting and leaning against the wall okay um and yeah it was just something about like visualizing yourself by a stream and and the emotions that are going through your head are sort of are that stream and they're they're passing by or whatever and yeah two women started crying wow so i playfully punched them i i was right in the labia right in their vaginas

yeah i was listening to the uh uh the meditation podcast okay i figured there's got to be a meditate i'm like you know what i need to do a fucking guided meditation there's a podcast for everything and so i typed it in and i i found this nice meditation podcast with some birds chirping and a friendly man also named Jesse, coincidentally. Interesting. Guiding me through this meditation. He wanted me to think about different colors. Okay.

I could think about, well, technically I could think about an object that was that color or I could just think about the color. But there's something more behind it. It's not just think about colors, is it? It's called a color meditation. No. No, if I know. It's because a lot of people don't... It's like they just don't have

a depth of understanding or connection to colors. Hmm. Or they're colorblind. Now, if I know podcasts, I probably want a little something like this. And I'm just going to want you

to envision your... I want you to envision your stress as the color blue and just breathe it out. And now I want to take a minute to talk about our sponsor, Audible.com. sponsor, audible.com. Go to audible.com slash meditation. Adam and Eve.

Adam and Eve.com. Go to adamandeve.com slash meditation for three adult TVPs. Are adamandeve.com still around? Adamandeve.com sponsor every podcast that we'll have. Every podcast that audible.com does not sponsor Adam and Eve sponsors. I feel like, was never not Funny Adam and Eve for a minute?

They had Audible. No, they had someone's lingerie company for a while. Right, right, right. Just a listener's lingerie company. It's funny that you mention that. We're buddies with those Never Not Funnies. And I, too, am a listener to the Never Not Funny. And so when they got this sponsor, I was excited and proud of them that they got this

sponsor and um there's not there's not a lot of need for lingerie in your life but i'm married to a beautiful lady who wears undergarments and um so i was like you know what me and my wife we were both both of us were like you know what we're gonna throw those never not funny guys a bone and visit this uh lingerie website yeah it was the creepy kind of lingerie website. Oh, no. It was the kind that sells like a leopard print, you know, thing. Wait, you're put off by leopard print? No, that does actually seem pretty tame.

I was, now, see, when you were, yeah, when you were offended by it, I was imagining some sort of like hydraulics. Yeah. No, no, no. Some sort of steam-powered dildo. It's not like a terrifying kind. It's the kind

Just tacky. You were mad that it was tacky. Just profoundly tacky. Something that would be worn in a living color sketch. Yeah.

Not so much in a bedroom. Right. Okay. Something that would be worn by a drag Martin Lawrence character. Right. You've hit the nail

on the head. Right. So you had to imagine your emotions passing by you like a stream? This is some time ago. Is it weird? Let me ask you guys this question. Is it weird?

Listeners know my educational history passed through an incredibly fancy private middle school on its way to public arts high school. And at this incredibly fancy public middle school, I remember that we did guided meditations. Really? Yeah. Do you think maybe they were just trying to rape us or something? I don't think they were trying to rape you. I think you'd remember a rape. Right. Yeah. And especially a guided meditation can sometimes sharpen your... I don't know. I had a pretty deep

connection to the color purple. A joke about the book and play? And movie? Is it a play? Oh, it's a musical now. Oh, yeah, it's a musical now. It's Fantasia Burino.

Sure. And it's soon coming to the Pantages. And, you know, if you... You guys all want to go see it? If you've... Yeah, together? I'm in. Yeah.

If you've ever read or seen the film version of... Neither. The Color Purple... No. Well, all you have to do is check it. I've read it. I don't... I've never seen the movie, but I have read the book. And it certainly... It screams musical to Purple. No. Well, all you have to do is check it. I've read it. I don't, I've never seen the movie, but I have read the book,

and it certainly, it screams musical to me. Yeah. In the same way that I would love to see a musical of, for example, sort of a Schindler's List. Okay, okay. Is it dark, dark material? It's very dark material. Is this Ghost of the Dead Baby comes back?

What's that? What am I thinking of? Oh, yeah. There you go. Sorry. I'm racist. You really are. Not even the same author.

Is it the same author, Tony Morrison? I'm going to need you to meditate on some color for a while. Meditate on skin color for a little while. Yeah, I'm going to. You know what? Speaking of being racist against Tony Morrison. Sure. So I was an American Studies major in school.

And the practical implications of that, because I wanted to write all my papers about rap music, were that 50%, 60% of my American Studies classes, if there had been ethnic studies departments at the University of California, Santa Cruz, would have been African American Studies classes. And I had to – I hate Toni Morrison books. I hate them. I also went to public arts high school in San Francisco. So needless to say, there were a lot of Toni Morrison books involved in that. I think I have been assigned to read Beloved and The Bluest Eye about six times each. And I have not made it past 30 pages of either one. You know, I don't mind The Bluest Eye.

Really? I think The Bluest Eye was nice. I read that in college. You like books more than me, to be fair. Or you like novels. A little bit. You like literary novels. But yeah, it shows how much I retained about Beloved.

I thought it was The Color Purple. But I didn't know there was a dead baby, kind of, and that it was written by a black lady. There's probably a dead baby in The Color Purple. Yeah, right, to be honest. Most of these things have dead babies. Are you sure you're not thinking of Joe Turner's Come and Gone by August Wilson? Nope.

No? Definitely not thinking of that because I haven't seen that either. Okay. Fences by August Wilson. It's one of those August Wilson plays, though, with the dead babies. They all have a dead baby in them, I think. You know what's weird is this is the third time The Bluest Eye has come up today. What?

Oh, creepy. Two of them were the same. Is it because of those world-famous baby blues that you've got? It is. It is. No, it's not. It's because I heard the same story twice on NPR where it's a biracial author and she talks about The Bluest Eye and then you. So it's really the second time, but the first time was twice.

You know, you really start to see the cracks in national public radio news programming the second time around. start to see the cracks in national public radio news programming the second time around. The first time you're being taken on a journey, the second time you never want to hear anything about birding again. My wife was just telling us at dinner about hearing a story about

childhood obesity. It's just one of those things. It's like, great, NPR is covering childhood obesity. Thank God they're finally stepping up to the plate on that issue. Anyway, we're having a lot of fun here. We've got Dave Holmes. He hosts most of the television shows recently. One.

One now. Only one? But you've hosted... Dave, you have to admit, it's unusual to be hosting more than one television show at once. Sure. Sure. That's not something that's... I'm sure I've done it.

I've done it. I've been very lucky. I've done it. Yeah. Yeah. But just the one right now. Okay. And we're not even shooting right now.

We're off for a month. Dave, I've hosted... What are you doing with your time? Nothing. Yeah? Nothing. I can't do anything. You have no TV show to host and you're going nuts.

I have nothing and I can't do anything. I'm psyched that I booked a job that will not shoot for another month. But because of that, I am't like I am I am owned like I can't I can't do anything else. Like they are exclusive to a degree that I like. I can't go out on auditions. I can't do anything. Wow. And so I'm sitting on my fucking ass for a month and it's driving me crazy.

Driving me crazy. Can I just hang out here? Absolutely. Can I be your guest for the next four weeks? What the fuck am I doing? Let's get real. Let's get real. Let's meditate.

I just sit here. I mean, the only downside for me is I'll have to put on pants before 11 a.m. You know? That's all. Let's do it. Clearly a lot of plays I have to read or see. Dude, I got a nice deck. I got a nice deck you can hang out on.

Great. Great. I got a pool. I'll pull to use it. When I come back, you guys are going to have a bunch of inside jokes and I'm not going to know what you're talking about. It's all good. It's okay. Sorry, Jordan. I guess you don't know how to drive the car.

Shut up! Jesse, do you remember that? Do you remember when you said that that time? I do. Shut up. Oh, I forgot. I got a mixtape for you. Oh, thank you. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second on Dave Jesse Go. His name is Jordan.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Moore's boy detective. Look at this. Dave Holmes, we're having, in the midst of a great opportunity to make up a nickname for himself. Oh, wow. Yeah, I didn't even think about it.

Can I suggest something? Sure. Booked it. The. Dave Holmes. Booked it. Oh, no, but I want a, I want a, I want a, I want a the. You know what I mean?

Okay. I want, you know, the Dean of Students. Or the, whatever. You know what I mean? Well, the, well, the. I mean, you could think the Dean of Students or whatever. You know what I mean? Well, the... I mean, you can try and think of a better one. The House of Pies. Whatever.

Something. We'll workshop it. Technically, Jordan's already the House of Pie. Yeah. I mean, I'm the one who has eaten the most pie today. You know, we went on the Adam Carolla show this morning, and Adam Carolla is well-known the world over for his um uh strong preferences in general but specifically on the matter of cake versus pie uh-huh um i think four people in a row

offered us some pie uh until adam carolla who really didn't i mean a nice guy but he had shit to handle didn't really engage us outside of on the air, except that when he first came up and said, hey, guys, I'm Adam. Nice to meet you. He said, want a pie? Wow. Yeah. What kind of pie? Did you get pie?

No, I was too nervous to sit down and eat a piece of pie. You know, it's just- What are you going to do, eat pie in front of them, though? Yes, that's what he offered. He offered me pie. There's like seven people in this garage full of uh you know vintage vintage mustangs right you're just gonna sit down in front of these in front of the web intern and yes i guess it was offered to you but if you don't show up and say where's the pie

but if somebody offers you pie then yes no if someone's saying we're all having pie would you like to have pie with us then it's rude not to have one, but it's like, would you guys like to sit by yourselves and eat pie? Okay, what if the web intern is like I can't wait for fucking company to come so that they will bring out the pie and I will finally get to have a slice. Oh, get to have some. Yeah, maybe. Because the web intern doesn't get pie access. Right? Yeah, no, I mean, sure.

Certainly not independent pie access. No, uh-uh. So we essentially pie-block that intern. You really pie-blocked an intern. I hope you're happy. That's a tough situation. That's a really tough situation. Okay, Jordan. I was trying to think, is there a pie flavor that rhymes with cock? But there's not, I don't think.

Shock? Glitz block? No. I had some damn fine tres leches cake last night. Really? You like tres leches? I love tres leches. So not on board. In fact... Wow. No, no. I would take Quintuple. No. No Spanish.

Racist. Cuatro Leches? Cuatro Leches. There you go. I had to say – That's just from Sesame Street. I didn't know that. I have to say that I grew up in a primarily Latino neighborhood, largely Mexican, some Central Americans.

And I'm in favor of a lot of things, a lot of Latino cultural things and Mexican-American cultural things. Okay, name some. I love a good palateria. I don't know what that is. What is that? That's like a kind of fruit popsicle.

Oh. I love a good, there's a store that sells a kind of fruit popsicle. Okay. We've had a Jarritos from time to time. Oh, I love a Jarritos. I love... What's a Jarritos? You can have an orange soda. There's a variety of flavors. I like

a tamarindo or a tutti frutti. What is a pupusa? A pupusa is a Central American. It's mostly Salvadorian kind of... It's sort of like a... Cheesy pancake. Yeah. It's like a like a... It's a cheesy pancake. Yeah, it's like a thick tortilla that has filling inside of it.

So usually it would be either cheese or a mixture of cheese and pork, which is called revuelta. Wow. Yeah. That sounds delicious. It's hella good. We'll go get some.

Terrific. We'll go get some. Good. It's right across... My spot for papooses in LA, right across the street from uh disco duck boogie and cocktails that sounds awesome i only have a two-seater though so oh sorry jordan will you guys bring me back one at least i i don't know i um i guess are you just gonna hang around here i don't know what we'll see we'll play it by here yeah we'll play it by here we'll give you a call no okay do you have our number no okay we'll play it by ear. We'll give you a call. Oh, okay. Do you have our number? No.

Okay, we'll give you a call. There's a taco stand right by my house that is turning me into a vegetarian because there is a mural on top of it that has— Of the parts of the cow? No, worse. It is a cauldron full of dead pigs. It's like a cute cartoon where there's like pigs with Xs where their eyes should be and tongues lolling out of their mouths. And then these like cartoon chefs are dragging a pig into the cauldron with a knife at its neck. And the pig is, of course, terrified and is pissing himself.

What? I'm not kidding. Is he wearing pants? No. It's just there are drops of liquid Coming out of his crotch Wow That are clear So he's been drinking for a while

Yeah right Because of the terror Yeah And also he hasn't had enough potassium Maybe he's not had enough potassium But he's absolutely terrified And That's amazing

Adorable And it kind of implies There's piss in our food No This won't be near the food Here's the thing I'll eat that shit I'll eat

I'll eat brains I'll eat Tong shit i'll eat uh i'll eat brains i'll eat uh tongue brains i'll eat uh i i look a big a significant part of my childhood was going down the street to buy at the corner store carnitas that they would cut that they would hack off of a loaf of carnitas for you yeah and give it to you in a brown paper bag. Yeah. I love pork. This is shit that I'm on board for a thousand percent, but I have to say, Mexico, you really need to clean up your bakery game because all of that shit sucks. Every single thing that you get at the panaderia, the Mexican bakery, fucking sucks.

Yeah. It's no good. Seriously, the best you can hope for is that your shitty thing is going to be shaped like a crocodile. Because everything sucks. It's just the world's shittiest sugar cookies. Yeah. Yeah. Like worse than a grocery store cookie.

And is that where you would get like a meringue cookie? Yes. Is there anything worse than a meringue cookie? So gross. No. You probably love meringue cookies, don't you? Whoa, now it's getting violent It just started with leaving me out

Now it's getting aggressive You seem like that kind of guy Because of my love for meringue cookies And what that says about my character Hey, maybe we'll meet you down at the panaderia I don't like any of those either I don't like those I don't like any of that either I don't like those I don't like any of that either

I'm with you guys on this We are the same Giant shitty sugar cookies One of the amazing things that you get Because here's the thing Like in my neighborhood where I grew up That's like the only kind of like place Where you could buy a cookie or whatever

So like in those times When your mom might say Hey do you want to get a cookie While you're like out and about Or something like that say yes. You're not going to say no. Right? Right. Even a chocolate chip cookie at a Mexican bakery is literally The chips are tiny. There's these weird tiny chips. How do they even get those chips? Do they have to go to a special shitty

chip company to get them and it's and it's not even a chocolate chip cookie it's just a weird like butter sugar cookie a shitty sugar cookie jesse right their country is poor okay not here they're not sorry i didn't want to come out and say i'm paying a perfectly reasonable amount of money for this cookie jordan and the thing is okay i will say I've got some years on you guys, and you grew up in an era where you had greater access to fresh, delicious cookies, like a Mrs. Fields or a Nestle Tollhouse stand or whatever. I think that Jordan and I can both agree that we grew up in the Mrs. Fields era.

Oh, for sure. For sure. That didn't come around until I was in high school. A-M-F-E, after the Mrs. Fields era. So what were you guys doing for cookies back in the day? Honestly, we were a Hydrox family. Oh, wow. We were a Hydrox family.

Really? Instead of an Oreo, yeah. Is that a kind of family? It is. No, I think it is. I think it is kind of indicative of a kind of shopping that a family does. Bagged cereal instead of boxed cereal? No, boxed cereal.

Okay. We weren't like shoeless and poor. We just preferred Hydrox. Or boxed cereal. Okay. Here's the thing. We weren't like shoeless and poor. We just preferred Hydrox. Or I guess my brothers did. Here's the thing. I am on board for generics. I am an enthusiastic supporter of generics. Hydrox is not a generic Oreo.

It's just a different kind of Oreo. It's like a Chips Deluxe as opposed to a Chips Ahoy. But here's the thing. It's not cookie. Can you describe it? Can you describe the difference between Hydrox and Oreo? It's an Oreo. It just says Hydrox on it. It's not cookie. Can you describe it? Can you describe the difference between Hydrox and Oreo? It's an Oreo. It just says Hydrox on it.

But it's shitty. I don't actually like either because they make my teeth gritty. You know what I mean? I prefer chips to milk. I don't know what you mean, but I'm impressed by that. It's a textural thing. If you grind your teeth together, as I do after a Hydrox or an Oreo, there's a sandpaper. Okay.

In my book, all generics are I'll support. I would gladly eat cereal from a bag. I have no objection to that. I'm not crazy about cereal in general, but rare is the product where I'm not more than happy to buy the store brand. Okay. I've been a big fan lately of the Target's Up and Up brand. Yeah. That sounds good.

That's Target's generic. It doesn't say Target brand. It's called Up and Up. Up and Up. Is that. That's Target's generic. It doesn't say Target brand. It's called Up and Up. Up and Up. Is that cleaning products? It's everything. It's cleaning products. It's an emergency-like vitamin supplement.

Hand soap. Toothpaste. Long-time listeners will know that in high school, I was the president of the Dr. Pepper Club. I said cock ring. It's not. Okay. Sorry. Go ahead.

Talk about the Dr. Pepper Club. And I was a big fan of Dr. Joe's, the Trader Joe's generic Dr. Pepper Club. I said cock ring. It's not... Okay, sorry. Go ahead. Talk about the Dr. Pepper Club. And I was a big fan of Dr. Joe's, the Trader Joe's generic Dr. Pepper. No longer available, unfortunately, at least in my Trader Joe's.

Trader Joe's is fucking slashing and burning some of my favorite stuff over there. Man, there's a vegetable mix that I have really been missing. Yeah. I haven't been to a Trader Joe's

in a long time. Really? They uniformly have terrible parking lots. This guy's can't. This guy's all Whole Foods. He's got the... I do like Whole Foods. He's got a long time. Really? They uniformly have terrible parking lots. This guy's can't. This guy's all Whole Foods. He's got the fucking... I do like Whole Foods.

He's got the FX lifestyle. He's soft. I do like Whole Foods. He's gone soft. Hey, there is no... There's nothing soft about Whole Foods. There is no box. There's just Whole Foods.

There's Whole Foods. So the two things that I will not tolerate in generic form are Oreo cookies. Right. I find generic Oreo cookies to completely lack the magic of oreo cookies and i'm including hydrox in there although i realize that i in your they're an alternate universe oreos they're just as good or whatever they're just as good as no there is no hydrox double stuff i will grant you that and there's no hydrox cake stir and and similarly there's i am And similarly, I am so profoundly not on board for any form of Cheez-It besides Cheez-Its. Cheese nips to me are just an embarrassment.

That's a colossal failure of food science, the cheese nip. However, the Back to Nature brand that they sell at Whole Foods, delicious. Really? Of Cheez-It? That's a good nip. Is it tangy? It's organic. It's not tangy. No, I prefer tangy. I like the sharp tanginess of the Cheez-It? That's good, yeah. Is it tangy? It's not tangy. No, I prefer tangy.

I like the sharp tanginess of the Cheez-It. That's what makes it taste good to me. Dave, are you buying the Whole Foods 365 brand of things? I have. I have. Okay. I have gotten their almond butter, which is delicious. Sometimes I'll go into a Whole Foods specifically because I'm looking for one of their nice 365 brand colas, non-caffeinated.

Really? For you migraine sufferers out there. How about that? Okay. It's a nice cola. You know what they also have? Smooth sugar flavor. Huh.

They also have Isabella cookies at the Whole Foods out here, which I don't know if you've had them, but they're delicious. No, is that a good kind of cookie? Yeah, it's like a local bakery. Fresh and delicious. That sounds like a great... We should explain, I think, that when we booked Dave on the show the other day, I sent him an email, would you like to come on the show? He said, yes, absolutely. It'd be great.

I said, here's my address. Here's our phone number. He said, great. What should I bring? And I said, bring your winning attitude. That's correct. We know that Dave has a winning attitude. That's why we brought him in.

Thanks. It's been evident if you've been listening to the podcast up until now. Dave says, no, no, no. I meant treats. Yeah. I don't like to show up empty handed. I did. Although, actually, I guess I didn't because I brought.

He's reaching into his coat pocket. Wait a minute. A small thing of honey roasted peanuts. Yes. I'll have five. I'll have five. Because I didn't really have dinner. But yeah, I kind of raced out the door.

And I did. I meant to bring cookies. That would have been nice. Donuts. But yeah, I kind of raced out the door. I meant to bring cookies. That would have been nice. You know, hey, don't even worry about it.

Or mini cupcakes. Jordan, did you bring anything? No. Okay, then I'm still with you, Dave. Don't worry. Okay.

All right. Yeah, we're on the same boat. Have some peanuts. By all means. By all means, have some peanuts. No, no, no.

I'm fine. No, I don't want your peanuts. Okay, fine. Dave, I don't want to eat your fucking peanuts. Loudly munch on the microphone. Dave no i don't want your peanuts okay dave i don't want to eat your fucking peanuts loudly munch on dave i don't need your i don't need your peanut charity i can

buy my own peanuts if these are really good there was a in st louis there was a uh i think probably every region has their like cheap shitty knockoff soda brand but in st louis where i grew up it was it was vess and there was uh whistle orange instead of Minute Maid. And their Dr. Pepper was Dr. Schnee. And there was a giant anthropomorphic can that would show up at functions and not have a face but have arms and not talk. It was really creepy. That sounds like a sci-fi Nazi doctor. Dr. Schnee? Yeah.

Yeah, Dr. Schnee's got fucking bad plans. I like that he's the Nazi that's working on the werewolf project. The super final solution. Sure. Nazi werewolves. Dr. Schnee. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, Dr. Starr was the one where I grew up.

Dr. Starr. I've heard of Dr. Starr. Yeah. I had... Where'd you grow up? Orange. Starr. I've heard of Dr. Starr. Yeah. I had... Where'd you grow up? Orange County. Okay. Have you heard of it?

I have heard of it, yeah. You go to a Stater Brothers, you get a Dr. Starr. I want to ask you a question about St. Louis. Okay. As a St. Lewin... St. Lewisin. Lewisin? Lewisin?

Huh? Really? Yeah. Seems too complicated. Seems weird. Yeah, okay. I grew up there. It's St. Lewisin. Louisin? Louisin? Huh? Really? Yeah. Seems too complicated. Seems weird. Yeah, okay. I grew up there. It's St. Louis.

How about St. Louis guy? I'll take it. St. Louis guy. Okay. Okay. As a St. Louis cardinal. So I visited St. Louis. As a St. Louis arch.

Right. What do you call that thing? They do call it the arch. The gateway arch. A surprising number of people say, oh, St. Louis, the arches. Yeah. No, the arches is McDonald's. McDonald's.

The arch is St. Louis. So let me ask you about, this is what I want to ask you about. Yeah. The arch has its defenders and its detractors. Right. I think the detractors would largely argue that it's completely made up because St. Louis didn't have its own thing. Right. And the city fathers or whatever got together and said, we need to have a thing.

Right. I mean, we're St. Louis, but, you know, we need something. Right. This was before Mark McGuire. And I think its supporters, I count myself as one of them, would argue that it's a pretty sweet arch. It's a really cool arch. You can go all up in it and stuff. Okay.

So is this the general thing? Can you get all up on it? You can get all up. People have tried to get all up on it. Really? And died. A couple of people have tried to skydive and land on it, and they have both fallen and died. Wow. Yeah. It's not a smart idea

If you think about it There's nowhere for you to stop It would be better if it had One of those gravel pits Like on the side of the grapevine Right Or just some pads I find that

It's detractors are generally old and object to it on aesthetic grounds because it is truly not that attractive. It's kind of just a big thing. It's a nice one. It was built when? In the 60s? It was built, yeah, I think it finally went up in like 68, I want to say. And I was born in 71. So I never knew a time before it.

So to me, it's like, you know, of course it's a dumb thing that they put up. In a way, it is to you what Mrs. Fields' cookies are to us. Exactly. It's just a part of my identity. Right. It's intertwined with my soul. So is it a divisive issue in St. Louis? Not really.

No. Because you say it's not good looking. I actually think it's pretty good looking. I think it's pretty sweet. It's just a big, current, goofy, ugly thing. I don't know. It goes over the river? No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't? Is there a restaurant inside it? Okay, it's right near the river. No, there are... You can take an elevator, though. You can take a little...

It's not even really an elevator. It's this goofy pod thing. Wait, it's not an elevator? Well, I mean, it elevates, but it's like Mork's space egg. You can fit, like, four people into it, and it's tiny and weird and claust but it's it's like um uh mork's space egg you can fit like four people into it and it's tiny we don't really remember mork and mindy relate this to a mrs fields get on the computer if you would get on the computer oh we do um and and it sort of takes you up and over and uh and then you take another one down and there are um uh museums on either

side huh museums to what? To westward expansion. Because it's the gateway to the west. It's the gateway to the west. St. Louis is the gateway to the west, Jordan. I love that St. Louis Arch. I have to say, of all of America's civic monuments, I think the St. Louis Arch

might be my favorite. Really? Isn't that interesting? Man. And what is... Was this one of the one of you guys' inside jokes that i don't get i don't know i just i just really enjoyed that i said isn't that interesting in the end congratulations

excuse me i'm coughing as though it was so interesting that i couldn't help but remark about how interesting i have a favorite in this category. Isn't that interesting? Jordan, do you have any favorite civic landmarks? I don't want to cut you out of this thing. No, sure. I'm fine with the Space Needle. Space Needle's neat.

Isn't that... I don't like how the Space Needle has a big, weird sort of convention grounds around it that feels kind of abandoned. I've never been to it. I've never been to Seattle. Oh, Seattle's a beautiful city. Seattle's a lovely city.

That's what I hear. God, I wish I lived in Seattle. Yeah? Well, why don't you get up and go? You know, I don't know if you're familiar with the entertainment industry up there in Seattle. Not so good? No, it's primarily built around being an usher at the Experience Music Project. Really?

Maybe guiding someone onto the James Brown roller coaster. There's a James Brown roller coaster. I think there's a James Brown roller coaster at the Experience Music Project. Really? It's called the Sex Machine. Oh, shit. I want that to be true so bad. I don't believe it.

It's shaped like a dick. At all. But I want it to be true. I'm pretty sure there's a James Brown roller coaster. I don't know. I can't confirm or deny. I'm really asserting that. I'm not saying that as a joke. want it to be true. I'm pretty sure there's a James Brown roller coaster. I don't know. I can't confirm or deny. I'm really asserting that. I'm not saying that as a joke.

I want to be clear. I'm asserting that there is a James Brown roller coaster at the Experience Music Project. But you're building an empire right here in your house, so you can do that from anywhere, right? No, not really. Look at Jordan. I mean, Jordan's got to talk to Tony Hawk. Tony Hawk doesn't live in Seattle. No, there are planes.

You know what I mean? Sure. It's true. That's a good point. I guess I hadn't thought of that. Yeah, there are planes. You know what I mean? Sure. It's true. That's a good point. I guess I hadn't thought of that. Yeah. There are planes. Yeah, there's such a thing as a plane. Yeah, no, I... Case closed. Yeah, I definitely feel the like,

you know, post-college, there's the like, what do you want to do? Where do you want to go? I can do anything! And I'm like, eh, I kind of have to move to LA. Right. It's a little bit of a, you know. You do. But I'm happy to see that have to move to LA right it's a little bit of a little bit of a you know you do but I'm happy to see

you guys are active and you know and working and taking initiative sure so many people hanging out at Starbucks right

you know if that like people who hang out at Starbucks are almost the most more active yeah

they're almost the most ambitious of the people who hang out I'm very proud that we have such an active lifestyle you should be you really should be I'm very proud that we have such an active lifestyle. You should be.

You really should be. You have an active lifestyle? I have a very active lifestyle. You'll have to take the dog out to run your canyon. I take the dog out to the canyon until he fucking falls down. Oh, he just loves it. But you've been kind of a layabout these past couple weeks. I have been a layabout because...

Going back to your grounding. I'm grounded. What are some... What are the... So you booked, for the listener who doesn't know, you booked a part in a situation comedy pilot. A situation comedy pilot. Our friend Tom Lennon and Robert Ben-Gurant, his writing partner, have this sitcom for

NBC. Have they been on the show? They've not been on this show. They've both been on The Sound of Young America on multiple occasions. Hilarious, awesome people. Yeah, amazing, amazing. Super nice, too. Yeah.

And so this is a show, this is like, not only did you get a part on a sitcom, you got a part on a sitcom that involves like talented people. And by talented people, I mean... Really good people. Not even just people who are talented at being hacks,

which is a lot of people. Los Angeles right talented people who have just decided to become a craftsperson right at being a hack which is you know i don't honestly that's fine you know yeah they work yeah you get a good job it's a good job you know it's a it's a much better job than a lot of other good jobs so it's fine yeah the people involved in this one are not like seasoned sitcom actors at all um they're all you know all of us like they've done like circus performers yeah am i is this is this going you're sagging i'm sagging you're losing your microphone is drooping like like mad okay yeah you made the if only i had a target brand cock ring uh call back and up and up and up and up yeah uh yeah so in that Callback. And up and up. And up and up.

Yeah. Yeah, so it's all... And in that case, it really is up and... Yeah. It's just up. Nah. It's just one up. Yeah.

Yeah, anyway, it's all, you know, sketch comedy people and improv people. Up and up cock rings. One up will do ya. Isn't that interesting? I think it would be a better one. Who else? Anybody we might know? Natasha Leggero.

Sure. Very funny. Very beautiful as know? Natasha Leggero. Sure. Very funny. Very beautiful as well. Yep. Andrea Savage. Also very funny. Very beautiful. Sure.

Cedric Yarborough. Does that bother you? A funny, beautiful person? Does that upset you? I mean, you're a pretty funny, pretty good looking guy yourself. Thank you. Are you getting back

to boob punching? Because I'm not. I can't commit to boob punching. It just doesn't seem like maybe certain people have too many gifts. Yeah. No, I love it. And it's not fair. I love it.

I like to be around those people. You celebrate. I like to be around those people. Right. That's why you live here in Hollywood. That is why I live here. Because you want to hang out with the beautiful people. Oh, my God.

Beautiful, gifted, talented. Beautiful and the talented. Absolutely. You want to put on a nice Oxford shirt. Mm-hmm. Get some... Put some... That's falling apart before your eyes. Put some mock-toe shoes on. Look at this Get some, put some. That's falling apart before your eyes.

Put some mock-toe shoes on. Look at the unraveling that's going on before your eyes. That is unraveling. Yeah. I kind of like it, though. Jordan, my only worry here is that it looks like you're not wearing an Oxford shirt. Because I'm, are you wearing an Oxford shirt, Dave? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so am I. Yeah. It's a button. I'm wearing a Western-style snaps instead of buttons. Oh, the thing with the snaps. Do you remember those? Those were fun. Yeah, that was fun. That was a fun time. Istyle snaps instead of buttons. Oh, the thing with the snaps. Do you remember those? Those were fun. Yeah, that was fun.

That was a fun time. I almost got one of those ones. 2003. You guys are over it. With the Von Dutch. Yeah, exactly. I never did that, but I certainly saw people. You booked this great job.

Now, let me ask you this question, because you've had all these TV hosting jobs, and you've certainly done your fair share of stage comic acting. Mm-hmm. Have you worked a lot as a comic actor as opposed to host of a thing? No. I mean, you know, not off the stage of IO or UCB or whatever,

but yeah, no, not at all. I'm just really sagging. It's becoming a problem. You're walking over to fix. There we go. Yeah. Oh, that's all. I'm really sagging. It's becoming a problem. You're walking over to fix. There we go. Yeah. Oh, that's better. All needed was a hearty crank.

I had to crank it. But yeah, no, no, I'm not a sitcom guy at all, nor did I have any plans to be one, but I'll take it. Yeah, that's a neat thing, right? It's a neat thing. But that's the thing. Nobody involved has ever done really a sitcom. Reno kind of was one. Right. And just about everybody at least did a guest appearance on that show so um so in a manner of speaking we'd all you know done a sitcom i guess but not not

the traditional like this is going to be like multi-cam live audience oh wow so it's kind of got the uh sure everybody's cheated out and there's uh there's sets and yeah wow it's gonna be weird god damn um and i i'm praying that it has like a song and an opening out and there's sets and wow. It's going to be weird. I'm praying that it has a song and an opening and then there's my name and I turn around. Oh god. I pray. I hear that the

worded, the theme song with lyrics for some reason went there's a specific reason that went away. I forget. I have not heard that. that maybe it's too long that maybe right that could be you're losing you're losing you're losing viewers between the you're you're getting a drop off between the previous show and the next show is if you happen to hit them with a theme song they're going to try and see what's on the other channels that's why you do a cold open though right yeah sure and then just keep the song kind of i tried tried to watch The Big Bang Theory

last night just to get a sense for what a multi-camera sitcom looks like now. Oh, they have the Barenaked Ladies singing their theme song, don't they?

Yeah, sure. And it's kind of a nerdy science fiction song. So you watched that show, so that's good. I saw a couple of minutes. You gave that one a shot. Yeah, they were

just nerdy guys. It's funny you mentioned The Big Bang Theory. I watched my first Big Bang Theory semi-recently. Yeah. show that yeah they were just nerdy guys it's funny i uh the it's funny you mentioned the big bang theory i i watched my first big bang theory semi recently yeah uh i i did too i watched it on an airplane yeah me too me too i know that i that makes it sound like the tremendous assholes i know that i know nothing look here's the thing i'm not saying that i don't own a television i watch my fair share of television just yesterday i watched the Antiques Roadshow and the American Experience. So I am absolutely a man of the people.

Right. And it was kind of – it was funny for me watching it. I feel like my – I haven't been – God, how long have I been in L.A.? Five years, six years, something like that. God, how long have I been in LA? Five years, six years, something like that. Yeah. And I've seen – I've noticed just such a definite shift in what the thought of – the things that excite me.

Right. And I – when I moved out here, I was all sketch comedy and anything I would be involved with. The only thing I would be involved with would be something that would be the next Mr. Show, the next super credible envelope pushing thing. But yeah, and then kind of slowly I've started to – all these little rules that I set for myself, like don't audition for commercials. Eh, kind of let that slide. And then don't do that. Don't get headshots.

Eh, let that slide. And I was watching this Big Bang Theory. Each new rent check is kind of like you cross one of those things off the list. Yeah, yeah. And I remember just watching that Big Bang Theory going, God, I could write for this. God, I would fuck this up in a good way. Like, really, I would nail one of these. Anyways.

Big Bang Theory, I feel like, is part of this broad category of entertainment, which I think is built around the idea that nerds should be happy they're getting this. Like, it's sort of like the whole tone of it is, you should be fucking grateful. We gave you your own fucking show. Yeah, yeah. And then people are just like... Put cuter versions of you on TV and had a hot girl next door or whatever. Yeah, I just was insulted by it. Does that make me an asshole?

Well, I mean, I feel like, you know, nerd shot is real easy. It's a real easy shot. And these are very just like time after two and a half men style. Not even that bad of a show. Yeah, I think it's not that bad of a show. It's just a bit easy. It's so cartoony, I think it's hard to be offended. And I feel like the leads are winning.

I always love seeing David from Roseanne in something. Sure, sure. Yeah, nerd shots are easy. Gay shots are easy. Oh, sure, sure, sure. Like it's all, there's always the fucking wacky friend or whatever. Didn't I read in Variety that your character on this show is gay? Yeah, I'm going to be the wacky gay character.

Okay, good. But I'm hoping that we'll be able to bring, you know, something slightly new to it. What are you doing? Scott Thompson was busy in Canada. I'm not going to fucking give it up now. You've got to watch. Oh, no, sorry. Okay.

Come on. Sorry. No, it's not going to be, I don't think it's got to watch. Oh, no. Sorry. Okay. Come on. Sorry. No, it's not going to be. I don't think it's going to be Paul Lind. You do. I mean, to be fair, Dave, you do have kind of a Paul Lind vibe. I do. You lend a certain Paul Lindiness to everything you do.

I'm moving on my scarf. Is the scarf too much? Should I not have brought it? You're sort of. I mean, if I was going to describe you,'d probably say mincing nancy or prancing sissy um something like that the prancing sissy yeah the prancing sissy it's got a ring to it it's nice it's nice it's nice oh we got some work to do on it but you know what we're moving in a good direction when i was in punch up when i watch a television show and i see a mincing Nancy, I think, God, I could really fuck that up.

I could really mince my ass out there on that screen. But you know what? I don't think anybody really sets out to do those things. I saw there was like an ad on Craigslist of all things for writers. Like somebody was trying to put like a sitcom thing together and of course went to Craigslist. Sure. Where you would go for writers. Yeah, yeah.

That's what I mean. And this guy was all – Well, if you're looking for union writers, I'd go to Craigslist. Okay. But it was – the guy was so like full of piss and vinegar that he was like, this show is new. This show is not like anything on TV right now. I'm going to shake it up. Hey, if you've ever made these jokes, then we don't want you.

And it was like, you know, hey, stop eating, Edie McEaderson. And like, you know, and of course all the goofy fucking things that you see all the time or whatever are like, hey, note to self, whatever. And I thought like, as I was reading it, nobody sets out to fucking write that shit.

Nobody sets out to write Edie McEaderson. Right. You know what I mean? It's just some guy in a suit comes in and says like, we need a fucking Edie McEaderson there. And he's your fucking boss, you know boss because he's from the network or whatever. And that's how that gets there.

Nobody's like, I'm going to move to LA and say, Edie McEaters. You know what I mean? Or it's just these things happen. Sure. Because there's a lot of cooks in the kitchen. Yeah. In my job, I host kind of field segments for Fuel TV, which is a deep, deep, deep cable network. I watch it.

Okay, there you go. Well, you're very familiar. Thank you for not dorking out, by the way. Thank you for not making me uncomfortable. We have that problem a lot with guests who come. Thank God I brought the peanuts. Especially recently, we've had a lot of guests coming in here and just really freaking out and getting excited. Yeah, I just wanted to ask me a bunch of questions.

What's it like to wear a tinfoil hat with Keanu Reeves? Sure. Did you do that? I did do that, yes. What was that like? Yeah, kind of a big thing that I do is funny press junkets. I'll dress up as something or have some sort of odd premise going into a press junket.

Keanu Reeves was great. Yeah, Keanu Reeves was very nice. I saw something recently that you did. I can't remember what it is now. It was with two people. Okay. Shit. I can't remember what it is now. It was with two people. Okay. Shit. I can't remember it.

We'll think of it during the break, perhaps. We will. Yeah, yeah. But I was going to say, and it's a fine job, and it's a lot of fun, and they definitely hired a guy with zero TV experience to be on TV, which is great. But kind of the thing that I know is the product integration slipped in so covertly and something that the first move to LA me would never have thought of doing. But somebody's like, hey, would you mind saying this is powered by

Verizon? Would you mind saying that this is powered by Verizon? Oh yeah, sure, I'll say that. You just said it's powered by, you know, like what would your professors, what would your college professors say if they could see you? And in what job are they saying, would you mind saying this? Yeah, yeah. Hey, would you mind earning our network a whole ton of money? Sure, sure. You had to do that, right?

Yeah, I mean, no one is, you know, no one's threatening to fire me, but I suppose if I didn't do stuff like that, I would be fired. It's what you have to do now, unfortunately. Sure, sure. Jordan, it's funny that you asked what would your college professors think about this, because we've got Professor Kathy Foley from UC Santa Cruz here via the magic of Cisco telepresence. The Kathy Foley? Cisco telepresence, folks. I love Cisco telepresence. Always crisp.

Always really crisp. Never a delay. Fantastically defined is my favorite part about it. Right. That must be neat. That must be exciting to get this job that's like a whole other thing. Oh, of course it is. Especially when it's on a good thing.

It's a good thing. And I think it's going to be really, I think it's going to be very, very funny. It must be hard. I'm thrilled. It must be hard to, I can only imagine, to get involved in something that will probably fail. Yeah. You know what I mean? Totally.

Like through no fault of its own. Oh, yeah. Just most of those things fail. Yeah. I mean, they've made a lot of comedy, or they are making a lot of comedy pilots this year. And we are one. And there's really not even room on their schedule for a new comedy. So who knows?

It might not see the light of day. Like, you know, just statistically, nobody may ever see it. Does that make you feel more like, does that just make you feel like, well, I can just walk out there with my dick out and everybody will applaud? Or does it make you feel sad? No, it makes me feel great. Like, yeah, I just want to go out and do a good job and whatever happens, happens. You know, I trust these guys a lot and I think we're going to have a lot of fun. Yeah, you know what else is kind of neat?

When I heard this news that they were doing this show was that like with all the problems that NBC is having, like being financially wonky and 10 and everything like this. They're making a traditional sitcom which is more expensive than any other kind of show and they're letting the Reno 911 guys do it which on Comedy Central is a good fit but I'm sure on NBC that sensibility is fucking weird. It's going to be a little weird.

Doing a multicam sitcom though is a lot less expensive. Enlightened I was always under the impression that it was more expensive than any other kind of shoot. These are guys, number one, these guys are unproven. What are their credits? I mean, you're talking about weirdo shit. You're talking about weird shit. You're talking about the state.

You're talking about Reno 911. You're talking about Night at the Museum. Oh, I forgot that they wrote this. No, but it's true. Certainly their on-camera sensibility has always been a little weird. But I think it's going to be cool. I really do. Seinfeld was weird before Seinfeld. What I'm saying is that we're going

to be as big as Seinfeld. When you said it was a little weird, it made me think of Viva Variety. Here's a funny thing. Because that shit was really weird. That was super weird. And I sat in the audience of that show in 1996, 97. Sure. And my roommate Louise got called up to play a game, which was plant or animal. And they played a noise, and you had to guess whether it was Robert Plant or an animal making the noise.

And she is like, she's one of these people who just doesn't know anything about music at all and got it all wrong but the prize was a robert chia plant it was a chia pet in the shape of robert plant with hair and uh and i have it to this day and that was like years before this is something like the props department made this isn't like something they sell yeah no wow that's great it was a fake gift and i still have. I have to say that I think that when Tom Lennon and Robert Ben Grant were on The Sound of Young America, there's them and Kerry Kenney. And I think I just asked them – it was one of those moments where as a public radio host, you don't have a fancy way of putting it, and you can barely really form it into a question. And I just asked, like, that was pretty weird for a TV show, huh? Yeah.

I thought something worse was coming. I thought it was going to be like, so who's fucking? Or something like that. Like, when you, okay. With that setup, I just assumed that something worse was coming. So who's fucked? Which one is, yeah. Who's fucked up?

I'm just amazed. I mean, it's such a vivid memory for me. Because for me, you know, 1996, that's's me age 15, a very impressionable age. I had recently gotten cable. So there's big news for the Thorne family when we got cable. I inherited some money from a great aunt. Got a stereo, a TV, and cable. Holy cow, that's a big year.

And we had that cable music service. My dad was really excited about that he was going to save a lot of money not buying cds because he had the cable music service oh is that music choice or something like that yeah where it tells you what song it is like a picture on the remote control oh that the whole thing that was a whole separate box right it was a whole thing yeah that was called dmx there you go that's what it was before the rapper dmx yeah yeah before that digital music express there you go. That's what it was. Before the rapper DMX. Yeah. Yeah. Before that. It's Digital Music Express. There you go.

Yeah. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Oh, my God. That delighted me in 1996. That was very impressionable, very impressionable time. And I remember that even though I had an extraordinarily high tolerance for The Strange, I remember putting on Fever Variety and being like, wow, this is really something yeah well this won't last very long they had a they had a one thing that i just still remember called it was like

they they were doing they did commercials in the middle of the show and one was for a doll called baby loves to shave it was a baby with a beard and they shaved it and they're like listen uh a lot of people ask us how do you how do you know babies love to shave? It's like, we know because babies love irony. Anyways, I still remember that going like, yeah, all right. I love those guys. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse. This is Jordan at A Great Day at Home.

We'll be back in just a second with more. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, do I say my thing now? Oh, yes. Should I choose it? Yeah. I'm going to go with Dave Holmes, dean of students. I like it.

No, it was the first thing that jumped to your mind for a reason. I think that it's good. Okay, good. I'm glad that you're I think that it's good. Okay, good. I'm glad that you're learning to go with your instincts. Okay, yeah. That's the one thing I'm going to pull out of this experience. Yeah, absolutely. Hey, Dave, I'm glad we could help you.

Isn't that interesting? This is a mutually beneficial thing we have going on. Let's do a few. Can we do a few quick pickups? Sure. Just a few pickups. There's a couple things that we do a few quick pickups? Sure Just a few pickups I just wanted There's a couple things That I just

That we'll just record them now I'll drop them into An appropriate part Of the conversation earlier Okay I want to talk about Does that happen? Sure

Not up till this point But I'm willing to go with it Yeah I probably won't do it I'll probably get lazy afterwards Whatever But I like to Bring it on Pretend that

It's fun to have You bank them You know it's nice When you can do pickups You can pretend that you're Big Pun for example Because Big Pun will go in And he'll do some punch ins

And as I recall The car guys The car talk guys do that If I remember your Yes the car talk guys I'm never not funny Car talk guys will Car talk guys will punch in

A little bit of extra laughs Yeah they add some laughter That's hilarious to me Yeah very heavily At a very heavily produced show. This needs more of our obnoxious laughs. Oh, my God. That show is the opposite of music to my ears.

Wow, really? Yeah, it is the kind of thing that makes me jump out of my skin. Yeah, I actually enjoy car talk. But I have found it grating lately. Not their fault, but lately I've started to feel like I'm swimming, like I'm drowning in the artifice of it a little bit. Okay. But I don't hate it the way that I hate a Prairie Home Companion. Oh, my God.

It's the worst, isn't it? It is horrible, and I've always wanted to like it. People don't believe me when I say that I really don't have anything against Garrison Keillor. I actually enjoy a lot of his writing and I like the writer's almanac. I think he has a beautiful voice, but boy do I hate him for a young companion. Oh, there's just something about it that's just terrible. Oh, it's just awful. I think it's all those bad jokes.

It is the bad, bad jokes. Somehow I feel like calling them bad jokes is almost too charitable, and they should maybe be called bad not jokes. Sure, joke attempts. Yeah. And then, yeah, you get an earful of those, and then it's like, hey, let's visit this family. And it's just all fucking crazy sound effects. just all fucking crazy sound effects. And there's a family.

And it seems like any time I flip past it, it's always like that sketch. There's a recurring sketch with a family. And the wife is like, oh, the door. Well, let's get it, huh? And it's just like people have never spoken ever. Nobody has ever talked like that. And it is so fucking awful.

Oh, the phone's ringing, huh? Well like the idea they all go huh they do listen to it these big noises yeah christ jordan pickups let's first of all let's let's talk about something that some once in a while jordan comes in and he's sort of he's sort of boiling over. There's something going on in his life that's so pressing that it needs to get out, or he's going to explode. You do seem tense. That's because I have a special secret. I think in this case, it's— A special gentleman's secret.

From what I understand, a license plate frame you saw? Yeah, let me just... To call it a license plate frame that I saw is... To diminish it. Right. Just in the same way that you would... Then what is it? Is it a license plate frame?

It's an experience I had that started with the license plate frame. It diminishes it in the same way that if I said Chompers the Power Pig is a turn of the century pig-shaped pull toy, that would diminish Chompers. Shout out to all my Chompers lovers out there. I've been getting a lot of emails.

They'll also diminish our conversation. Because we don't know what that is. Do you know what that is? Chompers? I do, yes. You've been hanging around this guy. Dave, I'm going to just say, let's not get into it. Dave, do you want to talk about Chompers? No, you don't. I think I might be on Jordan's team.

Thank you, Dave. Thank you. Yes. All right. David, Jordan forever. Best buddies. How do you feel about Mrs. Fields? Love it.

Awesome. It is of my generation. Let's go get a butt chase and go to town. Sure. The year was 1995. Kurt Cobain was at the top of the pop charts and Mrs. Fields was in America's mouth. Kurt Cobain was dead. Dead in 1995.

What's that, 93 he died? It was 94. 94. That was my senior year of college. Wow. And people were just fucking beside themselves. Flipping their shit, right? Yeah.

Flipping their shit. Girls were crying. It was really fucked up. Do you remember where you were when you got the news? I do. I remember. I was driving from Boston to Worcester, where my college was, was Holy Cross. And at the beginning of the drive, I was listening to WFNX, which was like the alternative station

at the time. I'm getting teary. Were you right near that one Dunkin' Donuts right around there? I was, yeah. At the beginning, they had found a body at his house, and they weren't sure whether it was him or not.

They kept, in between every song, they would break in. Oh, Jiminy Christmas. Honestly, by the time I got back to campus, girls in flannel shirts were just wailing and tearing their clothes. I only started Merry Christmas. Yeah, and then honestly, by the time I got back to campus, like, girls in flannel shirts were just wailing. Wow. Yeah, tearing their clothes. Yeah, you know, I only started paying attention to music in 1996 when I went to high school. And I just missed, you know, I stayed not interested in music for a long time.

I just listened to, like, talk radio with my parents until 1996. So, yeah, I missed, like, early 90s rap and grunge entirely. time i just listened to like talk radio with my parents until 1996 uh so yeah i missed uh i missed like early 90s rap and grunge entirely so it's just these things i don't understand i had that whole that era for me was defined by all of my friends this was when i was at the fancy private middle school all of my friends being obsessed with nirvana and to a lesser extent blood sugar sex magic by uh the red hot chili peppers right right but um primarily it's it's nirvana and um uh uh sound garden right and pearl jam right and but especially nirvana mostly nirvana and um and me being like, hey, I got the lay your head on my pillow by Tony, Tony, Tony single. Oh, I love that shit.

I really did. The grunge. No, no. Tony, Tony, Tony. I still love Tony, Tony, Tony. I don't have to put it in the past tense. The early 90s hip hop and R&B was just fantastic. New Jack Swing.

The New Jack Swing era. Sure. Yeah, I don't know. I couldn't tell the difference between Tupac and Biggie Smalls. I don't know what that is that you're doing now. I just heard Here We Go Again, my portrait, the other day. I almost cried. I was so happy. Anyway, okay, so I'm sorry.

We're getting off of your license plate frame. What happened? It was on a van, a bigger, kind of older van, a van with a sliding door. Right. Maybe, yeah, old time. It was a soccer mom van back in the day. Uh-huh. Dirty.

License plate frame, top of the license plate frame says, Dancers have nice. And then the bottom of the license plate frame says dancers have nice and then the bottom of the license plate frame says buns so this says dancers have nice buns buns so it's like okay so i is that did they just cut up two license plate frames? Because usually you'd think how that joke would go would be, you know, bakers have nice buns. Buns. Yeah. Right.

Or dancers have nice moves. Yeah. Right, right, right, right. Exactly. Exactly. Something related to dancing. Yeah, yeah. Seriously.

Yeah. Sure. But yeah, this seems to be, it's like, oh, buns, meaning behinds, and it's nice because they dance so much. That's not a joke. So, no. Was there an ellipsis? Was there, like, dance have nice?

There was an ellipsis, yes. Dance have nice, dot, dot, dot, and then buns is big and fills up the whole bottom of the lifeboat. Do you think maybe it's just something that somebody... Oh, Rachel. Here's a wrinkle. Okay. I pull up alongside and I look in.

Obese. Yes. Enormous people. Like, not even just like, oh, these people are out of shape but are we talking like are we talking like american samoa sized people huge people huge people these are like was it the uh the booyah tribe it was don't know what that is um so what is going on here can i say something i have to interject one thing about the booyah tribe did you know that those guys are like real life genuine badasses who like shoot people really that like rappers are scared of the booyah tribe that's probably more common than you would imagine right well

i'm talking about other rappers okay scared of the booyah tribe well they're big i think that what it is ultimately is if you're the samoanan guys in rap music, you either have to be Stone Cold or you're not the Samoan guys in rap music. Right. Okay. Sorry. So these giant people. Dancers have nice buns. They did a song with Tim Armstrong from Rancid.

I know that. Who, the Booyah Tribe? They did. I didn't even know that. So there you go. I would guess that they got it at a custom license plate frame store. Okay. And it's just something they read in Ziggy.

Okay. That's one theory. No, but that's too randy for Ziggy. No. Do you remember? Yeah, Ziggy doesn't even have a butt. He's just legs on a torso. Yeah, he has no sex drive at all.

No. Definitely no genitals. If he knew about dancing, perhaps he would not be such a... You guys haven't been reading the same Ziggy's I have. Really? Oh, my Ziggy's are... Do you draw your own Ziggy's where he really oh my Ziggy's do you draw your own Ziggy's where he's fucking

because that sounds like what's going on here he's like seeing dancers and he's got a Jordan no I do not I script my own Ziggy's where he's fucking

and I hire a professional artist just to go back just I will not to belabor this whereas Dave Holmes mimed massaging when he was talking about massaging, when he talked about Ziggy leering at the dancers, he made the jerk off motion.

I did. Well, because he had an erection. Sure. He's got to jerk it. I talk with my hands, which is not so great on an audio podcast. It adds a lot to it. It informs your inflection. You've seen my Ziggy, Ziggy X.

Yeah, yeah. Ziggy after dark. Ziggy after dark. Yeah, yeah. Ziggy After Dark. Ziggy After Dark. Oh, God. I would love to see Ziggy After Dark. And it's weird that Ziggy was never animated. Was he? I don't know.

I don't think he was. Who would do his voice, I wonder? Oh, God. Who's a good voice for Ziggy? You know, the guy who did Garfield's voice would have been a good Ziggy. Oh, yeah, yeah. Garfield's voice really fit been a good Ziggy. Oh, yeah, yeah. Garfield's voice really fit. Lorenzo Music.

Oh. I happen to know that. Wow. Yeah. He's passed on, right? I don't know. Maybe. I think a Garfield voice guy

is dead. He might be. He was also Carlton the Doorman on Rhoda. Yeah. I think that guy passed a couple years ago. That's why they hired Murray.

They brought in Murray. Bill Murray. Yeah. Did you see either of those films? Is he in both of them? No. I'm asking, did you see either of them? Oh, I did not see either of them.

No, absolutely not. Not even on the plane. You got excited. I thought that you were going to reveal us. No, like I was going to say, no, you really got to go see Garfield. They're better than you would think. And a tale of two kitties. I know.

It sounds like they would be shitty. Follow me. It's really good. I know. It's not. I thought you were going to get all me talking about

Babe Pig in the City on this shit. Oh, do you like that film? I love Babe Pig in the City. Am I calling it a film? Am I really calling it a film? It's a film. Film?

I saw the first one. It's a film. It's better. Really? Yeah. So there. Apparently it's a Terminator to Terminator 2

situation. Yeah. And I have not seen either Babe movies. Okay. Sorry. I didn't mean to bring this back to that. I have not seen I have not seen either Babe movies. Okay. Sorry. I didn't mean to bring this back to that.

I promise not to talk about Poohy Tang for the rest of the movie. Buns. Buns. We're really fat. Yeah. We are so fat.

Maybe they just like dancers. I mean, they're like, you know, honey, you know who's got nice buns? Dancers. Let's tell people. Yeah. Oh, I would never dance.

I'm too enormous. Oh, God. Yeah. I guess they must have dance. I'm too enormous. Oh, God. Yeah. I guess they must have just bought it and not known that they could switch out license plate frames. Yeah. Or they maybe bought the car isn't theirs. Yeah.

I often find myself wondering. Someone who doesn't understand what a joke is and had a personalized license plate made that just has a truism. Maybe they stole the van. Oh, yeah. Maybe. Maybe there's a roving gang of obese car and van thieves. Sure, there's some frail, wispy dancers.

Yeah. And they just get shoved aside. It's sort of like if it said, like, con men do it deceitfully. In a deceitful way. Con men are dishonest. Yeah. For sure. That's the worst.

Well, that's a magic moment. Black people are oppressed. I would buy that one. They're like, you know what? That license plate's right. That's really true. It's funny and it's true. Not funny.

I think it's pretty funny. It is kind of funny. I mean, not the thing itself, but the joke. I'm sitting over here laughing. Oppression. It's funny and it's true. Not funny. Not a joke. I think it's pretty funny. I mean, not the thing itself, but the joke. I'm sitting over here laughing. Oppression. It's a good... Well, oppression isn't unfunny. No, I mean, it depends on who's doing it, really.

It can be funny. Like, let's say Buddy Hackett was impressing someone. That's funny, right? Always. Never. That's funny. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Dave Holmes, the dean of students. You can do it again. You kind of. I can. A little mush mouth on that. You flubbed it, Mr. Professional.

Take it again. Okay, let's see. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Dave Holmes, the dean of students. I like that one better. An FX quality read. Thanks.

That's what I call television baked fresh daily. Thank you very much. Super early FX slogan. Pardon me. Here on our program, Jordan, Jesse, go, Dave. We ask our listeners to call in with what we call momentous occasions. These are moments in their lives that are truly magical, ranging from the birth of their first child, listeners' first visit to a cross-dressing bar, the first time they ever... A cross-dressing bar. Yes. You they ever... A cross-dressing bar.

Yes. You've heard of these cross-dress bars, have you? I actually have never heard of a cross-dressing bar. No, that seems unusually specific. A listener being... It would alienate a lot of the... Sure, people who are dressed as their gender normally. Locked.

Someone getting locked on the porch by the children that they're supposed to be babysitting. I've had it happen. This is the kind of stuff we're talking about. We ask people when these things happen to give us a telephone call. And that's what we've got here today. I have to say, Julia, our new intern, Julia, screened the calls this week. So this is going to be as new to me as it is to you guys. Oh, boy.

Hi, Jordan Duffy Goat. This is Shelby from Mount Pleasant, Michigan, and I'm calling in with a kind of momentous occasion. I guess it's momentous for me. I am participating in a leadership conference at my school, and we just had to do a mock rock, which I guess is just like us dancing and pretending to sing and just acting like idiots in general. And it was really fun, and I didn't fall, which is the momentous part for me.

So I just thought I'd share that with you guys. Love the show. Bye. A mock rock? A mock rock, sure. What's interesting about this is that the momentous part is that she didn't fall. She did not fall. Now, I'm hesitant to make light of this situation

because it's possible she has some sort of degenerative nerve or muscle disease. She might make a balance issue. Like ALS. Meniere's disease. Yeah. Well, she didn't say. Or she could be an alcoholic who's always drunk.

Sure. That's true. She didn't give us that kind of information. So I'm thinking she might just be klutzy or drunk. I'm guessing if she's at a leadership conference, she's probably not...

She's probably klutzy. She could be. Yeah. Yeah. And drunk. And drunk. And a drunk. What is a mock rock?

How does that differ from a dance? Here's what it conjured up in my mind. I have never heard the phrase mock rock specifically, but it seems like one of these things that joiner kids do to kind of break the ice, to make everyone feel silly together. I see them kind of picking a popular song and maybe doing a little lip sync routine to it. Oh, I see. So like a karaoke sort of. Something like that the RAs do on the first day to introduce themselves to the students.

Okay. Something that the student body president and their cabinet do at a pep rally. Wow. Just to endear themselves to the populace. I think that between the three of us, we can all agree that that was definitely kind of momentous. Yeah, I think probably her threshold three of us, we can all agree that that was definitely kind of momentous. Yeah, I think probably her threshold for momentous is lower. Yeah, it's a lower one.

But you know what? God bless. She seemed like a nice young woman. And she's learning about leadership, which, I mean, America needs leaders. Now more than ever. And leaders who don't fall. Sure. Leaders who can stay on their damn feet.

Yeah, when doing a dance to a Lady Gaga song. I'm sick and tired of topsy-turvy senators. Right? Sure. They can stay on their damn feet. Yeah, when doing a dance to a Lady Gaga song. I'm sick and tired of topsy-turvy senators. Right? Always falling down and spilling their things. Yeah. Condiments all over their shirts. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Go, and this is Rachel from Texas, and I just had a momentous occasion.

My boyfriend came over very quickly to bludgeon a rat for me. I am forever in his debt. Aw. Wow. bludgeon a rat for me. I am forever in his debt. Aww. Wow. Aw, bludgeon a rat. Bludgeon a rat. Wow. There are other ways to dispose of rats other than bludgeoning. I like the idea that it was her request that he bludgeon it.

Like, honey, there's a rat. Honey, bludgeon it. Could you come over and bludgeon it? Bring that new bludgeon of yours. Holy lord. There are glue traps. I mean, they're cruel, but they're clear. Do I have to

bring the bludgeon? I was going to bring my sap. Sure. Alright, the message for Jordan and Jesse Go. I have a momentous occasion. I'm driving in my car right now. Oh, by the way, this is Kenan from Colorado. Hi, Kenan.

I'm driving in my car. now. Oh, by the way, this is Kenan from Colorado. Hi, Kenan. I'm driving in my car. As we speak, I am behind a ginormous red truck with five Calvin peeing stickers. Now, I'm not tailgating them, so I can't see what Calvin is peeing on, but there are five Calvins peeing on what I assume is various items rather than just repetitions of Calvin peeing on one thing. I've always kind of wanted to see Calvin peeing on Calvin peeing. Yeah. And this, in my mind...

It exists. I've seen it. Does it? It does, yeah, yeah. Is there Calvin peeing on Calvin praying? Oh, wow. That would be a real statement, sure. That would be intense. That's good if you're sick and tired of your windows. praying oh wow that would be a real statement sure that would be intense that's a that's a

good that's good if you're sick and tired your windows that'd be good uh one sheet for uh religulous uh-huh yeah absolutely um what do you think if you got five because let's say we're gonna i'm gonna presume that it's what a ford f-250 because he said it was an enormous truck so it's an enormous truck a full-size enormous truck. A full-size truck, a working-dance truck. Right. So you've got to presume he's pissing on a Chevy. Yeah, absolutely. One Chevy.

The famous Chevrolet Bowtie. Or maybe just the text Rice Burners. Uh-huh. That's two. That's two for sure. So we're up to two. There's five total. There's five total.

Probably one is punctuation and grammar. Right? So is it just various articles of punctuation and grammar. Right? So is it just various articles of punctuation? No, just in general. Oh, just the word punctuation and grammar. He's oppressed by it. He doesn't like it one bit. Sure. Calvin's got a piss on him.

Do they use words to represent punctuation and grammar? Like maybe in a parenthetical? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Punctuation and grammar. It's like a big sack of punctuation and grammar. Okay, that's three. That's three.

Number four. Tort reform. Tort reform. Fuck that. I hate it. And number five, I think is obvious. It's Octomom. Octomom. That crazy laugh.

Right? Octomom. There's no doubt about it. Everyone hates Octomom. Everybody hates Octomom. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go This is Mike from Honolulu I'm calling in With a momentous occasion I just survived a tsunami

Which I totally chalked up To the fact that I was wearing My amazing JJ Go shirt That's true A lot of people don't know that The causal relationship Well he's wearing it Is that not clear?

Yeah yeah It creates a force field Oh Did you know that? Did you know that our shirts We sell create force fields? The causal relationship. Well, he's wearing it. Is that not clear? Yeah, yeah. It creates a force field. Oh. Did you know that? Did you know that our shirts we sell create force fields? No, I didn't realize. No one has ever died in a natural disaster wearing one of our shirts. Do you know that for sure?

We have done no research, but we assume it's true. Anecdotal evidence confirms it absolutely and unequivocally. Okay. So what then if somebody has worn your shirt for a while and it's a little bit worn out and they send it to a relief effort in Haiti or somewhere, does that aid in the relief effort? They shouldn't. You're making a mistake in this scenario. I'm not trying to pick on you. You're not an independent businessman.

You work for the FX Corporation. I mean, you're probably, you know, every day you've got to get up and, you know, evaluate the value of some antiques and then auction them off live on the air. Right. You know? Yeah.

This is, I don't remember any other shows that FX had right at the very beginning. But their version of Antiques Roadshow was pretty hot. Yeah, it was a nice roadshow thing. And so you don't know what it's about. And what we would ask people to do is go to maxfundstore.com, purchase at retail new shirts, because frankly I think the people of Haiti deserve it.

They're good enough okay unlike you I don't think that they're second class human beings no I don't either I don't either but you know

well you're trying to send them used t-shirts well yeah I got some good used t-shirts you know and I've worn them here's the thing people have seen me in them

Dave I ask that you provide them with a new shirt with a new okay all right well why a new one

as opposed to an old one? Because we get more money. Money. I see. Money, we use it. Okay. We use it. Oh, boy.

Money can be exchanged for goods and services. That's going to be, that's my new. That's my new license plate frame. That's my new license plate frame. Good. That's my new license plate frame. That's my new license plate frame. Good.

Okay, so we were, in the past couple weeks, we've been wrestling with a few issues. And from what I understand, we've got some calls with some folks who have some guidance for us. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Ghetto. My name is Travis, and I thought I might be able to lend a hand with two of Jordan's problems, actually. I thought I might be able to win the hand with two of Jordan's problems, actually. We should explain, in case you haven't heard on the show, Jordan is just a fucking mess of problems. Just one problem piled on top of another. A lot of issues. Do you want to give me a greatest hits?

At this point, we're just... Name it. I mean, you know. Shingles. I catch fire sometimes. Yeah. For no discernible reason. Yeah. He gets loopy real sometimes. Yeah. For no discernible reason. Yeah. He gets loopy real quick.

Sure. You know, in a situation where someone else might get loopy after a while, he gets loopy. At the beginning. Earlier. Yeah. First one to get loopy. I actually helped run a blog called The Drunken Moogle, which is an alcohol and video game themed blog. And considering the two most recent inquiries concerned both,

I thought I might be able to lend a little helping hand. First of all, Mario canon. A little interesting fact is... We were wondering whether the world of Super Mario Brothers had a continuity. Whether there was an overarching narrative in the Mario universe that taught us why these plumbers were saving a princess continuity um whether there was an an overarching narrative in the mario universe right uh that taught us why these plumbers were saving a princess from uh like a dragon monster and also

why uh super mario had to uh get graffiti off of walls with a water cannon at one point and who super mario brothers 2 is or what we consider super mario brothers 2 in america is not at all in the canon it's actually a game called doki doki panic shut the fuck up doki doki panic actual super mario brothers 2 is considered next too hard um for american players so all the shy guys and burdo and everything from that game was never actually supposed to be in Super Mario Canon. Hold on. Dave, low tolerance for the nerd shit, huh?

Doki doki. He found your breaking point. Is this guy seriously saying that Birdo is non-canonical? Because that is flipping my shit right now. I feel the way that you felt when Kurt Cobain died to find out that Birdos are non-canonical. I feel the way that you felt when Kurt Cobain died. To find out that Birdos are non-canonical.

I was sort of nonplussed. Am I using that correctly? Yeah. I was not. Okay. Interesting. I saw it coming. You look like, Dave, you look like you're ready to wedgie.

I might. Honestly, seriously, that raised my hackles a little bit. What would the gang at the Big Bang Theory say? Let me tell you something. Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure. I grew up with Donkey Kong. Yeah.

Okay. Where there was just the one Mario and there was just the one princess and there was a fucking gorilla and that was it. It was easy to figure out. That was that. If you got to the end, which you never did, then that was all that there needed to be. Then there was Luigi. Where in this are the Birdos?

There were no Birdos. There were no Birdos. Wait a minute. I don't know what a birdo is wait a minute are you telling me that birdos are non-canonical i know they there's a whole bunch of shit that came later there's and i only know this through commercials okay i know that there's a fucking wario come on evil mario that's and there's also waluigi Waluigi they both have their evil counterpart what the fuck does Waluigi mean

it's the evil Luigi there's Wario is the evil Mario and Waluigi I can see if you are not familiar with the English language that you could turn an M upside down and make it Wario they tried to make

7 Ouija but it didn't work. That didn't work out too good? Yeah, the seven was backwards. That was the problem. Doki doki. And now we do fucking video games. And then the second part, what I'm concerned with, drinking in the day. You can actually go to the website for a bunch of Super Mario themed drinks, but I

thought I might give you one that Jordan might like. The Bowser, which is two parts tequila, one part Cointreau, five parts orange juice, and one part grenadine. So, combine both your problems into one

delicious alcoholic snack. Wait, snack? Yeah. Have a shitty margarita. Wow. Sorry. I like that we found your sore spot. I think this is kind of, we found the chink in the armor.

The Dave Hill, or the Dave Holmes. Oh, boy. Wrong IO guy. Wrong IO guy. Are you talking about the IO.O. Dave Hill? He's talking about West Coast Dave Hill. I was in a pilot with West Coast Dave Hill. I love West Coast Dave Hill.

West Coast Dave Hill is great. Now, see, in contrast, I love East Coast Dave Hill. I've never seen him. Oh, this guy's a national treasure, this East Coast Dave Hill. Absolutely. I haven't spent a lot of time with West Coast Dave Hill, but East Coast Dave Hill is a national treasure, this East Coast Dave Hill. I'm sure. Absolutely. It's a bummer that they got the same name. I haven't spent a lot of time with West Coast Dave Hill. But East Coast Dave Hill is a national treasure.

Yeah, yeah, no, no. I mean, we here on the West Coast should be proud that we have an equally awesome Dave Hill. Oh, he's such a fantastic Dave Hill. We should have East Coast Dave Hill on the show sometime. We should have West Coast Dave Hill on the show. You should have them both on. Oh, no, that's what I'm saying. We should have West Coast Dave Hill.

Do you think we should have a Dave Hill off on the show? Because I got East Coast Dave Hill's email. I'll reach out. I'll do the reach out. I would love it. I would love it. West Coast email. I'll reach out. I'll do the reach out. I would love it. West Coast Dave Hill's a good friend. I'll pull him over here myself. Sure. Let's do this.

Yeah. He'll be late, but he'll be late. I am calling in reference to Jordan's activities for drinking during the day. Oh, Dave, just so we're quick. I had an experience recently where I had some drinks during the day, but then had to do some other activities later on in the day, one of which being the podcast. And it just destroyed me. It's a delicate balance. Yeah, and I kind of was looking for some tips on how to – if you do want to drink during the day in the afternoon, have the proverbial three-martini lunch, What do you do to keep yourself functional? Anyways, do you have anything?

Does anything come to your mind off the top? A nap is a terrific idea. So budget a little time for a nap. Budget a little time for a nap or run around the block. A great way to nap during the day. Spend some time with the meditation podcast, episode six, falling asleep. No. Is that a thing?

It'll walk you through some colors and you'll be out like a light. Right, right. Now, you kind of want to keep it to just like a couch nap, a chair nap. Okay. Something under 20 minutes. Okay. Okay. Power nap.

Power nap. But you say also a little exercise might help. A little exercise might help. Also, it depends on what you're drinking during the day. Okay. In this case, it was beers, multiple beers. Multiple beers. So a little sleepy.

Yeah, yeah. It'll bloat you, make you a little sleepy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I would agree that maybe a tequila-based margarita, something like that. Okay. A Bloody Mary. Let me ask you this, Dave. Are there any particular treats that you would recommend for this situation?

Oh, God. I mean, what wouldn't... Let's see. Maybe a little Cheez's in uh in a little uh chavri goat cheese oh that sounds nice that sounds really nice what about double your cheese do you have any alcoholic snacks alcoholic snacks okay okay okay do what you love why don't you sit down with a couple of six packs play yourself some video games. Everybody just thinks, here's a fucking shocker.

We throw it out to our audience. They think you should get drunk and play video games. Their solution is just get drunker. Sure, right. And let the chips fall where they may. They're not going to tell you to get drunk and start a touch football game. I'll tell you.

Podcast audience. They're not going to tell you to get drunk and start a touch football game, I'll tell you, podcast audience, they're not going to tell you to get drunk and watch football. No, it's just get drunk and play video games. It's almost condescending, I feel like. You're so much more than that. Yeah, I'm a very robust character. You could get drunk and go to a ska concert in the park. Sure.

Well, yeah. Technically, you'll be here. So you guys have an inside joke? Is that an inside joke? Well, these are just... No, Dave, we wouldn't... That's not what we're all about. Maybe what you and Jesse are all about.

No, I have... Some things I am constantly teased for on this show are my knowing a lot about mid-'90s ska music. Okay. Which is fine. I know a ton about it. Sure. That's fine. You'res ska music. Which is fine. That's fine. Good for Jordan.

Sure, Springfield Jack USA, not the Springfield Jack UK DJ combo. That Jolene's a great song. It's a great song. It's an awesome song. It's not a cover of the Dolly Parton song. It is not at all.

If you made a list of 10 best songs of that mid-90s ska boom, that would definitely be up there. Absolutely. Anyway. We're running this hat contest right now. Yes. And we've had some amazing entries. First of all, I want to give a tip of the hat to our new leader, if I'm not mistaken. Jordan, you're in charge of this.

I don't want to step on your toes, but I believe 60 is our new lead score. Yeah, I think 60 is the most hats someone has been able to put on their head with photographic evidence. And from what I can tell, this person, his name is Ezra, is a student at Vassar. Okay. Possibly a professor at Vassar. Someone tried to do better than him. Yes, 60. That is amazing.

60 hats on my head. Better than Ezra? I also would like to announce I'm issuing my first prize. Obviously, our grand prize is for the most hats you can wear at once. I will be issuing some prizes along the way. I'd like to issue my first prize. I will be issuing some prizes along the way. I'd like to issue my first prize.

This is for best 1989 San Francisco Giants National League Champion hat wearing. This goes to John. John, congratulations. He wore a 1989 San Francisco Giants championship hat. And for his trouble, if he goes ahead and sends us his address and reminds us that I

told him I was going to get him this prize, he wins an autographed baseball card from San Francisco Giants legend Don Caveman Robinson, who was a great hitter for a pitcher. So congratulations, John. You win a Don Caveman Robinson

autographed baseball card. So it's number of hats or just general hat wearing excellence? Some arbitrary categories that we think of on the spot. Okay. So, yeah. Something that we have not seen yet that I am sort of disappointed by is I was hoping that we would see some caps for sale recreations. The famous children's book, Caps for Sale, is about a cap salesman who wears many hats on his head. I don't remember this one.

Caps, specifically. And he gets into trouble with some... This is the beginning of a set free at Mrs. Fields. You might have missed it. He gets into trouble with some mischievous monkeys who want to play with his hats. He shakes his fist at those monkeys. Anyway, somebody out there, I'm sure, would love to get a few hats and a few caps and a few monkeys together and recreate some of these scenes. I feel like there'd be a good prize in it for the best recreation.

Get on it. I'm just saying. Get on it. If you've got some monkeys, now's your time. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second with more of Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore's I love you,. No, well, I'm sort of, I'm a bi-coastal Dave Holmes. Bi-coastal Dave Holmes. You know what? And that's bullshit.

I knew you were a little bit too handsome and charming to be Dave Hill. You're damn right. Wow. Either one of them. Both are bad. Oh, we got Dave Holmes here. Oh. Pleasure.

This was so much fun hanging out. It was great to have you here. I'm going to stay for a long time. That's great. A long time. Like too long. We're going to have you guys over for dinner. It's going to be great.

Jordan, you're not invited. I apologize in advance. That's fine. It makes me uncomfortable. You wouldn't have fun, probably. No, I bet I would. I bet I would. It sounds like fun.

It sounds like fun. You guys, we had a great show, and we didn't even talk about the triad that I think lives in my neighborhood. Wow. The what? A triad. I think lives in my neighborhood. Wow. What? A triad. That's three gentlemen who live together romantically. No way! Pretty sure. I thought it was like a drug cartel.

It's also a drug cartel. Yeah, it does. That's what I was thinking. Also a drug cartel. Dave Holmes is the host of the Friday 40 at the I.O. Just come out and see it. I.O. West. You have some other things.

What else? Let's see. What's coming up? Oh, I'm doing ASCAT on March 26th at UCB LA, which will be fun. Lots of fun. I'm going to be in the Night of 140 Tweets on March 12th at UCB LA. Jordan and I are meant to be in that, I think. Oh, good.

Yeah, yeah. Good. That'll be fun., I think. Oh, good. Yeah, yeah. So, good. That'll be fun. See you there. Where the hell are they going to put 140 people? I don't know, because it's not a 140-seat theater. Right. Yeah.

I don't get that. But it's going to be interesting. Are we going to have to pay to get in? That's another concern that I have. Oh, God, yeah. I mean, I care about Haiti and stuff, but I'm tapped out. Is this for Haiti? It is for Haiti.

Yes, it's at the UCB Theater in LA. If you're in the neighborhood, UCBtheater.com. Good friend of the show, Paul Scheer, putting it together there. That's right. That's right. Diablo Cody. Sarah Silverman. Holy Jesus.

Yeah. You know. Weird Al. Yeah. A lot of people. Us. Also, if you are a sketch comedy writer. So, big stars.

Big stars. If you want to put something up on stage or have something put up on stage, we're having the Nicest Sketch in the Whole Wide World contest on March 20th. Okay. If you've got a really nice sketch that is heartwarming and beautiful and not filthy or snarky or shitty, send it. Jordan, I think you're thinking what I'm thinking. What?

Thirsty President. Oh, God. Thirsty President is the worst comedy sketch we've ever done. Bring it on. Bring it on. That ruined the stage. Okay. NicestSketch at g Bring it on. Bring it on. It ruined the stage. Okay. NicestSketch at gmail.com.

That's great. By March 7th. For Jordan, Jesse, Go listeners, I'll push that to the 10th. Thank you. Wow. Thank you. Extra days. Yeah, it's going to be me and Rob Delaney, I think, if he's not in South by Southwest,

hosting that. There's one other thing that I wanted to mention on this week's show And I just Feel like it's something that we can't go Without mentioning It's nice that you're here Dave That is Probably a lot of folks out there know this

From Twitter and the news and stuff like that But we lost a good pal From the podcasting and comedy Community here in Los Angeles Andrew Koig, since our last show was recorded. He, of course, the brother-in-law of our mutual good friend Jimmy Pardo and a colleague on Never Not Funny, which all of us have been a guest on multiple times and um i don't know it's it's it's there's it's been some time to to sink in but it's still tough to think of what you can say about it besides that it's a it's a really a horrible tragedy and it's a waste it's really sad and uh and you know we're i i know that i i'm very grateful for uh the time that i spent with him and And, um, uh, you know, he,

he's one of those people that X actively went out of his way to be kind to me. Um, uh, you know, in a way that he absolutely had no reason or need to do. Um, and that was very much appreciated. And we're,

we're thinking of our, we're thinking of our pals over there. Right. It was a good, good man. Really, really committed, really compassionate, really, you know, involved guy. And it a good, good man, really, really committed, really compassionate,

really, you know, involved guy. And it's a, it's a real, it's a real shock. And, you know, I, we've, you know, we've talked, something that I've talked about once in a while is, you know, I, I suffer from migraine headaches and I've on the show, encourage people to get medical treatment for migraine headaches, which is a, you know, a medical condition that a lot of people suffer from unnecessarily because they don't seek medical treatment. biological roots and, and there are treatments and they're not perfect, but just, we would just really ask people to, um, you know, if they, or someone related them to them is, is suffering from it, that they, they seek it out. I think you, you wrote something very nice about that on, on a special thing that, that it's a, it's a, it's a disease that, um, uh, uh, grows in, grows in darkness and, um, you know, you, you can bring light to it. Right. Yeah. There's a disease that grows in darkness and you can bring light to it.

Right. Yeah. There has been a great deal of openness about people talking about their experiences and it's a healthy thing. And there are a variety of treatments out there. There's a lot that you can do. So if something's not working, you can change it up. There's a lot of different ways to attack it.

So anyway, we're thinking of our pals over there and, and we're, um, you know, we're, we're looking forward to having them, uh, having them back in our lives, entertaining us as, as they do so well. And, um, you know, hopefully, you know, if, if, if I hear anything about, uh, memorial funds and that kinds of thing, I'll, of course we'll, we'll all be tweeting about it and stuff like that. and that kinds of thing. Of course, we'll all be tweeting about it and stuff like that. But in the meantime, just keep our pals in your thoughts.

And yeah. So anyway, we had a lot of fun. We did. We did. It was good. We're ending on a somber note, but it was a really good time. I'm glad I finally got to do this.

206-9844-FUN is the number to call if you want to give us a call. There's a hat contest thread in the forum where we would love to see your comments. Jordan and I just recorded Adam Carolla, which will be on the Adam Carolla podcast feed just about the same time as this show hits our podcast feed. So look over there. Go to adamcarolla.com and check it out. JJgoatmaximumfun.org is the email address to adamcarolla.com and check it out jjgoe at maximumfun.org is the email address

to email us at and our theme music is Love You by The Free Design from Kites Are Fun the best of the free design and I think that's it we'll see you next time

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