Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 127: Two Legs at a Time with Chris Fairbanks

Episode Date: March 8, 2010

Chris Fairbanks joins Jesse and Jordan for discussion of triads, AA comedy, and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

We're joined by comedian Chris Fairbanks, and we learn that triads are more than just Far Eastern gangs. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am your host, Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, it's a beautiful day in Los Angeles. It was raining yesterday.

The sun is out. I feel like I have a new lease on life. Wait, man, what are you going to do differently? Sounds like it was kind of a turning point for you. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to put my legs on two legs at a time. Your legs on two legs at a time your legs on my pants on two legs at a time oh fuck that was a pretty good that was a pretty solid joke that i thought of until i said i'm gonna put my legs on i thought it was okay i was hoping you would say something like i feel like robin williams at the end of hook

you know i'm gonna start spending more time with my kids i haven't spent a lot of time with my kids to this point. Yeah. So I can understand why. You've been too, like, wrapped up in work. Absolutely. Like your office job. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, what happened is I got caught up in the rat race.

I feel like in our childhood there was this rash of movies that the moral was, hey, dads, spend more time with your kids. Maybe that's still a genre. I don't know. Maybe I just don't notice those movies that much these days. Well, I think a big genre is certainly dads going on kid-themed rampages. Okay. Like what was that movie with Liam Neeson?

I think that was where he was going on a kid-themed rampage. Taken? Someone had stolen his daughter or something like that, and he just goes on a fucking rampage someone someone had stolen his daughter or something like that and he just goes on a fucking rampage just murdering his way across the world in search of his daughter so that's similar to hook right it's basically the same premise as hook uh i was i was surprised to learn uh this is something i feel like we should include our guest in by the way uh our guest chris fairbanks A favorite on the program. Chris, I was concerned.

I was a little bit worried that you were dropping out of the whole thing. Odd. The whole show. No, I was concerned that you were done because you were sitting there and you had had your headphones on. These are frightening. And you just failed. They're very loud. Are they still loud?

I can't, yeah. Are they still too loud? Super. That's one of my most favorite describing words. How's this? How do you see this? Is this better? That's nice, yeah.

Okay, great. I like that. Because we're doing the intro and over here Chris Fairbanks is tearing off his headphones and heading for the door. I remained seated. I didn't even actually look towards the door. I do realize that I was in my own head about taking the headphones off, and I didn't want to distract you guys because you had a Liam Neeson thing going.

But my coach, Leah, was jiggling too much. Your part. My radius, Ulna and Hammer, my radius. No, I think it's a stirrup. The small blacksmith that lives in my ear was being disrupted. Look, I want to take this opportunity to make a public service announcement. Sure. If you're out there and you're a young person, you're just trying to figure out how and why to live your life,

I would say to you, keep those ears clean because you don't want them to get impacted that's my advice to you and you don't want to upset the tiny blacksmith and his little family he's kind of a neat freak he's busy making horseshoes for your cavities and he's got mouths to feed it seems odd that a blacksmith would be a neat freak

sort of a fundamentally soiled occupation but it's ironically that's howsmith would be a need freak. Sort of a fundamentally soiled occupation. But ironically, that's how he became such a need freak. There's a difference between metal runoff, which is what blacksmiths call the kind of, you know, the... You're talking about magma. Yeah, there's magma, metal runoff. There's a difference between metal runoff and clutter. I want to be clear for all the nerds, all the geology nerds who are sitting at their computer

right now, they're like cracking their knuckles. They're like, oh, I'm going to give Jesse a piece of my mind. Magma comes from volcanoes in the center of the earth, not from blacksmith. I think we actually probably, if I know our audience, we probably have more danger of upsetting

Renfair nerds who know a lot about black smithery. That's maybe a larger contingent in our audience. Recreation smithies. Sure. Okay, I can understand that. Well, you know, of course, you want to start with an ingot, am I right? Of course. If you're going to make an alloy, you want a couple different types of ingots.

You want a couple ingots to alloy. And you would, the runoff, you would keep whatever residual dripped off and hardened, you would chip it off and put it in some sort of a reservoir or a bucket or something. Yeah, to make arrowheads later. Arrowheads for later melting. Sure. Yeah. I had a thought about the movie Hook.

Wait, before we get to that. You could make hooks with that metal. Chris, do you know anything about smelting? Is smelting something you know about? They also run a tight ship. You know who has a messy shop?

These damn cobblers. This is a leather... Well, I mean, they're basically letting elves come in there all willy-nilly to help out. You've got to plug up

the holes in the floorboards or else you're going to get elves. You would think they'd hear them all singing together as they marched in. Here's my theory. Here's my theory. We're all sitting around.

We look at these cobbler shops. They're messy, overrun with elves. And they're like, I don't know how these elves got in here. I think they want the elves to come in because they put them up their butt. Really? Yeah, I think that's cobblers have like a sick... They have a gerbling thing? Yeah, kind of. They just they kind of invite

the elves in, you know, under the cover of night. That's an interesting theory. The elves are dancing around. You grab one, you shove it up your butt. Do you juice it up first? Yeah. It's called cobb Gobbler. Okay, let's go to Hook. We're going to talk about Hook for a second here. The movie Hook.

Yeah. A movie from our childhood. Absolutely. I was surprised to learn that that's considered a failure. Like, that's considered, like, the bad Spielberg movie. Maybe it was a financial failure. You were surprised to learn that's considered, like, the bad Spielberg movie. It's, it maybe was a financial failure. But you were surprised to learn that? Yeah, no, as a kid, I loved it. And I'm like, this is it, man. This is gonna, this is a great movie. This is gonna convince my dad to spend more time with me.

You had, Jordan was sponsoring an educational film series for his dad. Yeah, right. We're watching Mrs. Doubtfire. A lot of Robin Williams movies. But yeah, no, I guess Hook is considered kind of a black mark on Spielberg's track record. Well, I remember watching Hook. I mean, how old were we, do you think,

when Hook came out? Was it like 1990, maybe? Yeah, 10 or 11. Yeah, so I remember watching Hook and thinking... 15, 16. So you were more in the Hook demographic. Yeah, I was. Actually, I remember it being a movie for younger people, so I didn't...

I like that interesting-looking kid that's in it that was in What About Bob? He's a great child actor. Sure, yeah. Who knows what he's doing now? Something about maybe bagging groceries. Maybe in a web series where he plays a cheeky version of himself. And then at night he's saying paper or plastic.

But Dustin Hoffman's in it. Wait, are you saying that you can't support yourself with a web series? No, I mean, if they immediately make it into a TV show on HBO, then you can. Yeah. It's funny that everyone's saying mobile content is the wave of the future, and I've only seen the really successful version of that. Yeah, the only... Becoming a TV show.

Sure, yeah. Oh, right back to square one. That thing you said was obsolete industry. First of all, let's fire everyone that worked on the web. Right. I don't know. I watched it the other night. It's enjoyable. I'm talking about... I'm not changing this. Let's keep talking about Hook. Are you talking about the Ricky Gervais show?

I am talking about... I'm talking about the Funny or Die show. Oh, sure. I watched Ricky Gervais' movie last night. Invention of Lying? Yeah, and I watched it last week. That was an interesting mix of things. Sure. Is it good? I've heard it's good. I would not say that it is

good. It has good things about it and good parts. Great ideas. Some great ideas. Sure. You know, I think my problem with it is that it gets... I feel like it fails when it gets a little preachy. I feel like when it turns – it turns pretty – it's got a pretty 180 turn into preachy. Into talking about Jesus and people accepting him as their savior? Yes, exactly. He's looking right in the camera and saying it, which is weird.

Seems odd. He's pointing at you. Your sins. Yes. You, audience member. This is what struck me about this movie. It's. And he's pointing at you. Your sins. Yes. You audience member. This is what struck me about this movie. It's like Romper Room. He just reads random names.

Your sin, Billy. Your sin, Sally. You know how everyone's always talking about how hilarious Alec Baldwin is to the point where he's hosting a portion of the Oscars or something? That's fine. I think Alec Baldwin is very funny. I've enjoyed him, yeah. You know, he's enjoyable. I think Alec Baldwin is very funny. I've enjoyed him, yeah. You know, he's enjoyable.

I think he does a good job on 30 Rock. Sometimes he gets the joke wrong, which bothers me. I feel like him getting the joke wrong is funnier than him getting it right, though. I feel the same way when Salma Hayek was on 30 Rock. I'm like, eh, she doesn't understand what this joke is. That's funnier.

I feel like the weird delivery was funnier than the joke. No. Disagree. Strong disagreement here on that one. I cannot imagine a more awful comic performance than Selma Hayek. I mean, Selma Hayek is a beautiful woman. Don't get me wrong. But I really can't imagine someone doing a more awful job with a recurring part on a television series.

You know what it reminds me of, though, is the woman that's on Modern Family. Do you watch that show at all? I watch the pilot. Incredibly hot model mom. But she really does have a very strong accent. But she confidently, she says these lines, but she's getting words wrong, and you know it's not on purpose. But it adds to the comedy of it, because she sells it.

She's not... It's not a fake accent. It's totally real. I was just talking... For Put This On, we went and shot this segment at this cobbler, speaking of cobblers, here in Los Angeles. Really? Twice speaking of cobblers? I know.

And anyway. Something's going on. There's a weird energy in here. We should all buy lottery tickets. We'd already eaten our meal, and we were still a little bit peckish, and we wanted a treat, so we ordered...

Peach. Cobbler. Cobbler. Shop at Alpha Pure Pot. Wait. Anyway. This is a weird barbershop quartet I'm just going to go in my own direction here

Every time we harmonize, you talk about putting something up your butt That's going to be my thing I don't want to be just one of the four guys I want to be the one who's talking about his anus I did not know that the cobbler informed me of this But I did not know that Continebbler informed me of this, but I did not know that Canteen Floss, the clown prince of Mexico, had made a movie in English, and now I'm really keen to see Canteen Floss' American movie.

What's his name again? Canteen Floss, the clown prince of Mexico. Ah, Canteen. Canteen Floss. Or if I was really pre-net, it would be Canteen Floss. Canteen Floss. C-A-N-T-I-N-F-L-A-S. Oh, okay.

Cantinflas. From like the 50s through the 70s, he was the biggest movie star in Mexico. Sort of like the Charlie Chaplin of Mexico. Oh, wow. Yeah. Pre-talkies? Yeah, in Mexico, they didn't get talkies until the late 80s. They're still talking into walkie-talkies in Mexico.

That's good racial. They're still talking into walkie-talkies in Mexico. That's good racial. They love those. They love communicating over a small, short distance with their walkie-talkies. The only place with cell phones.

Sort of like... You know how in Thailand, Kentucky Fried Chicken is huge? In Mexico, Radio Shack. Radio Shack is monstrous.

Yeah, yeah. Walls and walls of wires and switches. Sure. Replacement telephone cables. It made me want to see a film by Contine Floss. But okay, so Alec Baldwin gets a lot of credit for being funny.

I think he does a great job. Occasionally he doesn't get the joke. It's not funnier to me but that's fine. You know, whatever. He does have that great quality that you can make fun of him for. I feel like, as I was watching The Invention of Lying, and I was reminded of Thank You for Smoking, I feel like Rob Lowe somehow doesn't get enough credit

for doing that, because that guy fucking hits a home run with that every single time. Like, he is so perfect at doing that that sort of uh evil bad guy saying something like being blithely arrogant like because usually in a movie the best you could hope for is alec baldwin which is a guy who doesn't necessarily get all the jokes but he has such conviction and presence that the jokes they write for him just work automatically.

I feel like Rob Lowe has all of those things, but also he gets the jokes. Is that possible? I think you're right. Sure. Yes. And a double I'm Rob Lowe up to these days. I don't like him as much as Al Baldwin, though. Yeah. I just don't like his little pedophile

face. Sure. I think that ped like his little pedophile face. Sure. Wasn't he deadly? I think that pedophile sex tape a long time ago kind of hurts any long-time enjoyment. And by pedophile, we mean a few days under 18, probably. Sure. It's actually the kind of pedophilia that we'd all high-five about.

I think it's technically called a whoopsie. Yeah. A whoopsie pedophile. The old whoopsie pedophile. The old whoopsie pedophile. Sure. The most remarkable part about me, about the laughs that he got in The Invention of Lying, I was laughing pretty hard at some Rob Lowe bits in there, is that I'm guessing because of plastic surgery, not entirely sure he could have a palsy, a Bell's palsy.

Sure. He only seems to be able to move half his face. Oh, really? Still very funny with only half a face. I think he's been plastic surgeried pretty significantly. Oh, certainly. I don't want to assume. Yeah, Rob Lowe.

Oh, what, really? I don't think, has Baldwin had a plastic surgery? I don't know. If he had a plastic surgery, it wasn't a major one. He looks a little bad. They stuffed cotton into his cheeks. Sure, right. They call it a hamster treatment.

I want it to look more like my face got stung by bees. Is there anything you can do? He got collagen jowl injections. Women want that bee-stung lip look. That's kind of a popular. It's like, just avoid the lips, the area around the lips, and some neck stuff. But with men, the bee-stung jowls are sweeping the nation. Sure.

I just felt like Rob Lowe could just cut me to bits with that stubble on his face. Yeah. It's just thick. And you're talking, of course, of a kissing scenario. Oh, I'd love to. Oh, yes. Absolutely. Talking about kissing Rob Lowe.

Oh, and that Sharp little nose of his That diamond sharp nose Sure His nose is like One of those Uli's Or whatever they call Those Alaskan knives

That are like That you like Do a cut with a Rocking motion You know what I mean I'm familiar with those knives You could You could cut something

You could cut a fillet of salmon With Rob Lowe's nose No who else uses those knives. You could cut a fillet of salmon with Rob Lowe's nose. No, who else uses those knives? That's racist. Cobblers. Cobblers use those little slopey Rob Lowe nose knives. Yep. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

Okay. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, than any... Maybe the fourth time Chris has been on the show? Yeah, I think last time we were trying to figure out if it wasn't the fourth time. This might be the fifth. Okay, fifth time. I think it's fourth. We're confusing the cartoon day with those N-word sayers. We're excited to have you here.

This is, in my opinion, this show is a celebration of Chris's brand new record album, Fairbanks. It is a record-recorded album, yeah. Fairbanks. For my phonograph? It is a compact disc on iTunes as of the other day.

Hard copies available in just a week or so on my website. I'm not sure how I'm going to sell them. How do you sell them? Sell them at shows. Sure. Then I'll have a box of 1,000 sell them. How do you sell them? Sell them at shows. Sure. Then I'll have a box of a thousand of them just in my house. Go to cons. You'll go to cons probably.

I'll go to comic cons. All kinds of cons. I'll go up to ex-cons. I'll sell them to prisons. And then I'll put them on CD Baby or something. I'll have some links on my website. I'll figure it out. If you want to sell them to prisons, you just got to keep the costs low.

If you keep the costs low, they'll buy them. Sell them his shoes. All they want, as long as that jewel case is sharpenable. Yeah. Just include one cigarette in each case. So that has some extra value for them. You know what I learned recently? That the cigarette economy

is being replaced in jails. And the reason is that in some jails, it's now against the rules to smoke, which is obviously a big deal because it's all they had. And so in these jails where it's against the rules to smoke, it's hard to have enough cigarettes to make cigarettes a viable means of trade.

And so they use what are called Macs. So these Macs are worth about a dollar. This is what a mack is. This is like a vacuum-sealed package of mackerel. What? A dollar's worth of mackerel. Like a jerky? No. Is it a mackerel jerky?

You know like how sometimes tuna could come in a foil pack instead of in a can? Oh, sure. So this is, but tuna is too expensive. Mackerel is the cheapest fish. It's basically the cheapest protein you can buy. Okay. Wow. They sell it at the jail commissary for a dollar.

So the, and it keeps because it's vacuum sealed and it's relatively small and compact so as currency they use max which is just a foil packet of mackerel this is a real thing so this is something that you'll trade for like protection yeah or something about rape. So like if you don't want to be raped for example, 25 packets of fish. It is an entirely packet of fish driven economy. Wait, hold on. I love that's the new cigarette.

Is this penguin prison you're talking about? Is this man prison? This might be penguin prison. It's not strictly a penguin prison. It's an aquatic prison. Okay. You might have seen it on the news, that killer whale that killed the guy. That's where he went.

Yeah, he's headed to aquatic prison. Sure. There's aquatic prisons, also semi-aquatic prisons for your amphibians. Like a frog needs to go in water every so often. So it has a water part of its cell and then a land part. Exactly. Area where it can sun itself. Yeah.

You mean the yard. Turtles. Yeah, the yard. Turtles got to dry its shell or it's going to get shell rot. Oh, yeah. You know what I'm saying? But mackerel is what they're using to buy things. And here's a twist on this story.

The related thing is that in these jails, you get a locker in jail where you can put things. You can store your valuables that's not in your cell. So they use, like, a rich guy in jail has a lot of packets of mackerel. Because these packets of mackerel are, like, not that tiny. Like, they're small-ish, but, you know, it's a sizable thing. They fill up their locker with these packets of mackerel. They're like valuables locker. Not that tiny. Like, they're small-ish, but, you know, it's a sizable thing. They fill up their locker with these packets of mackerel. They're like valuables locker.

So then they have to use mackerel to buy access to other people's valuables lockers to store their mackerel in. Wow. Okay. Is it like a salad? Is there, like, some mayonnaise? They're just protein-loading. I love that that's the new smoking. Sure.

Yeah. Look, our muscles are getting big. I want more fish. That's great. It's brain food. Plus they want the omega-3 fatty acids. Yeah, you've got to have your fatty acids. Sure. You're not getting that from prison food.

I love it. I think it's a beautiful thing. Yeah, and it's currency. It helps them all learn about the economy. Wait, I thought we were talking about children all of a sudden. What if that was? What kids are going to start doing? I mean, it's...

Sounds like fifth grade civics class. It's going to do like a trickle down. Then it'll be like instead of smoking in the back of the bus or under the bleachers, it's eating tiny fish packs. Yeah, putting it in your locker. You roll it up in your sleeve. The bad kids roll their fish packs up in their sleeve. Just an oily drip down the arm. Oh, yeah, it's my Mac pack.

My Mac pack. It's a scary world, but if you have enough packages of fish, you can make it through, Chris. Yeah. That's the situation. Oh, wait. I want to ask you about,

speaking of scary worlds, I want to ask you about this world. We've talked on this show in the past about how I spent much of my time between the age of three and nine, I would say, going to AA meetings with my dad. My dad went to scary homeless guy AA meetings for the most part because he liked to go to meetings. He's a veteran and he liked to go to meetings with lots of veterans. And if you're a vet and you're in AA and you live in San Francisco, it's like two to one that you're a scary homeless guy. So I spent a lot of time in these scary homeless guy AA meetings, you know, drawing a picture or whatever. And you, Chris, just happened to sort of offhandedly mention before we started this segment, oh, I did a show at an AA meeting last night.

Well, yeah. And then I was going to explain why I didn't sleep last night and I should have. But yeah, I grew up in Alateen. Sure, Alateen. I was a little older than you. I didn't know that. I'm sorry that you grew up in ala ala ala teen sure he's a little older than you i didn't know that i'm sorry that you grew up in that environment i didn't know you had such street smarts these people these people would just come over and like live in our house for a week oh wow yeah my mom was dating a guy that she met in aa that lived in a van and he would just park it in front of our house and he

had all these nice like rock Would he sleep in the house? Or would he sleep in the van? Yeah, he'd sleep with my mom. OK, sure. And sometimes in front of me. That'd be funny if he's like, hey, I don't want to give your son the wrong idea. And I don't want to set a bad example. So I'll just be out in the van in the driveway.

No, Dale was a good guy. He was a nice guy. He had a sweet man and a lot of cool t-shirts. I thought he was nice. He had a messed up. He had one ear that pretty much wasn't there, like a nubby ear. Yeah. Sure.

Ear nub. He was an okay guy. But I... Yeah. You know what the thing... The reason is a lot of times... Undesirables. I don't know if he had been in prison, but when you're in prison, the only thing more

valuable than mackerel is ear cartilage. Oh, yeah. To shave off little bits. Yeah. To pay debts. I got a locker full of ear cartilage. Oh, yeah. To shave off little bits. Yeah. To pay debts. I got a locker full of ear cartilage. If only you could pay your debt to society with ear cartilage.

The only thing you can use is time. Then you get shanked in prison if you've been passing off shark cartilage as ear cartilage. So like, hey, you said this was ear. This is shark. I'm going to ironically stab you with it now.

Last night I did stand up at a... I don't know if it was all AA people. It was a few different anonymous in a house. It was a variety of anonymous. I could tell more of them were narcotics.

Judging by a tooth count, a quick tooth count. I had that experience in a Starbucks one day. I was sitting in this Starbucks, and all these people started walking in. And you're looking at them, and I was just thinking, they all had name tags around their neck, conference-style name tags. And I'm like, what the fuck business are these people in? Because if these are business people, then I don't know what the fuck has happened

to the American economy. Like these people, like the only businesses I could imagine them getting involved in were possibly tattoo parlor. Ski rental. Working at the ski rental. Paunting things, if you could call that a business.

Yeah. And I figured out that they were all there for an AA conference or an NA conference. And they have their name tags. And they were wearing their conference name tags around their neck like they were at the, you know, like American Insurance Brokers Association.

Well, yeah, that kind of takes away from the whole anonymous thing, doesn't it? It does. It does. But that show last night was so fun. They were so ready to be entertained. That's amazing. Did you do any AA-specific material? I grazed over talking about my mom a little, but I didn't have...

I added, oh, God, grant me the serenity. You know, I plugged in a couple of their catchphrases into my jokes, and that was enough. They love that. Their logo still looks a lot like the AAA logo. Hey, at least we all get free towing. But that was well-received, though. It was.

I didn't notice, but it's the same. It's like round with a triangle. It's like AAA. You dropped a few references to Bill. Isn't that Bill, the titular character of the AA book? Oh, I don't know. I didn't ever read the literature. What Bill said or something like that, something along those lines.

Oh, Bill is like the... I think it's Bill. I'm going to get some calls from angry members of the program who are going to really give it to me about the guy not actually being called Bill. That would be a weird thing to get mad about. Maybe he should be wearing a name tag. Yeah, right.

Yeah. I'm trying to think. My Spanish textbooks growing up all had a titular character who you followed from Spanish one to Spanish three. What kind of journey was he going on? Was it Destinos? No. I don't know.

I was checking out Destinos at Los Angeles City College when I was in Spanish class there. I believe Rosario or you followed her on different journeys. What was cool about Destinos. Yeah, I didn't have Rosario, or you followed her on different journeys. What was cool about Destinos, at least for me, was that Destinos had its own soap opera or telenovela that went along with it. Don Fernando. It was amazing because it had a lot of really captivating storylines about things like someone trying to find out where the library is.

But then in every episode, there was a touch of passion, which I found something. She was making out with guys. I'm like, there was a touch of passion, which I found something. She was like making out with guys. I'm like, this is a little heavy. Well, I mean, that's Latin culture, Chris. They're very passionate. You don't need, I mean. They're spicy people.

Spanish language classes aren't just about learning how to conjugate verbs. It's about how to, you know, behave around those people. And if you're not prepared to fuck them, you're going to seem like an outsider. It's about stuff. It's about important stuff. P shirts man tights you know uh shine hair shine you know lustrous hair morrissey for some reason morrissey for some unexplained reason he does the score well i'll never know i'll never know because I'll never know. Because he's passionate. He's passionate.

He's working class. He is. So, Jordan, what was the narrative here of... Yeah, no. It was basically like he doesn't know where various buildings are.

He's wondering how to address... He's wondering the names of various items in a classroom. Yeah, yeah. So that. It's amazing that that's... It's amazing that that's how they bring you into this world they're like oh you know what these people need narrative yeah and you know

and if we're gonna have narrative we're gonna need some smoldering sexuality sure sex sells and it just so happens that teenagers that children learn through songs and teenagers learn through boners well you know if okay what's the way what's a big part of learning language conjugating the verbs there's a lot of verbs in a sexual experience uh-huh thrusting sure to to thrust uh we thrust to to tear up they thrusted they thrust they thrusted previously and then if it's a... That's a person crying. And then if it's a child addressing an adult, that's a whole different thing. You guys thrust. You.

Madre and padre. Now please list these school supplies and tell me where the bathroom is. And certain governmental buildings. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chris Fairbanks, guest. I'm going to be a little bit offended if people out there in our audience don't go to chrisfairbanks.com that's right and

buy the new cd fairbanks because i feel like chris fairbanks has given so much of himself to our audience oh yeah for now it's on itunes it will be on my website a lot of people listening to this podcast are probably using itunes they're right there already very simple all they got to do is type in chris fairb. And buy that album. You could buy some tracks, but tickle your fancy. But that's 27 tracks, so I think we know at a dollar a track, buying the whole album. The bargain is going to be to buy the long play.

Yeah, it's less than $10. Isn't that on the Zune Marketplace yet? It might be. I think it's going to be on Amazon. I don't know what that is. Okay. Sure. Amazon.com. That's a website. It's going to be available in the Amazon

in stores. Yeah, that's what I thought. By the Amazon river. Tundra blanket. You know what I'm saying. Jordan's only concern is that it might not be available in the Zune marketplace. It might. No, I know that you are a Zune person. Sure. A Zune man. It might. No, I know that you're a Zune person. Sure.

A Zune-man. Yeah, a bit of a Zune-man. But yeah, I think it'll be available, and I can look into that, actually. Dang, you know. Not relevant to anybody but me, honestly. There's people out there that for some reason... Whoa, hold on.

What about Evander from the forums? Oh, sure, there is that one guy. That one internet guy. Right, so that's two guys. He's a nice guy. I met him in Washington, D.C. Seems great. He's a nice man. He showed me his Zune HD. It's a beautiful device. Yeah. Lovely device. You did have a new Zune, didn't you? I did,

yeah. Zune HD is a handsome device. He is a little nicer than my information phone. Yeah, no, I like it. I have an iPhone now, but I still keep a Zune. Yeah, no complaints about the information phone at all. I like it a lot. Sure.

But then Zune HD, that's a pretty piece of machinery. It's called an information phone? That sounds like a Dick Tracy term. Information phone, engage. You know you're supposed to wear it on your wrist, right? Yes, of course. And it only calls the chief. Yeah, it really doesn't have...

All you have to do is program more numbers in there. You call yourself a detective, you yellow-wearing... All the apps are related to terrifying-faced gangsters. Gangsters with horrifying facial deformities. I've got to get new friends. These guys are all funny-faced thugs. You know, I walk my dog in the neighborhood here in Los Angeles. And Chris, you were just saying,

I have a very new type of neighborhood from where I was before. I feel like I've moved from the neighborhood where I grew up to Mill Valley, where my wife grew up in the Bay Area. Or to Hill Valley, where Marty McFly grew up to Mill Valley where my wife grew up in the Bay Area. Just like really like... Or to Hill Valley where Marty McFly grew up. Never mind. It's a very, very tony, very tony around here. A lot of sort of upper middle class

entertainment industry people who don't seem to have jobs but are nonetheless rich. Yeah, lower level geffen types. Yeah, exactly. I saw a wide, wild haired,-haired man walking a fancy dog. Possibly high-level Geffen playhouse types. So it's a big adjustment for me.

One of the things that I've noticed as I walk the dog is that there are these people that I see everywhere. Every time I'm walking the dog, there are other people who walk their dogs in our neighborhood that I see every time. And there is, you sort of, you get to know, it's a weird dog thing that you get to know the dog more than the person because the dog is introduced to you, but the person isn't. Yeah, isn't that funny? Yeah, you walk up to someone and there you say

and they say oh this is buster you say oh hi this is coco yeah and then well bye yeah see you later they've sniffed each other's butts yeah maybe you do that thing where you switch the leashes around in a circle yeah it's funny when that happens enough times where you get raveled closer together and then you end up kissing a neighbor. Who may be the same sex as you. Or just touching dicks. Yeah, just a little bumping. And then you do the same grabbing rigmarole with dicks. Right, exactly.

Or you're untangling the whole way. Sort of a maypole type situation. Which is a leash, which is a dick. Which is nice because I usually call my of a maypole type situation. Which is a leash, which is a dick. Which is nice, because I usually call my dick the maypole anyway. Sure. And I wrap ribbons around it, traditionally. Because it's to celebrate workers' rights? That's funny, because

I always wrap my penis. What does the maypole celebrate? I wrap my penis around my dog's neck. Yeah, sure. It's a funny thing that we get those. Right, so it's all sort of like six of one, half a dozen of the other, I'd say. It's convenient. It's sort of like six of one, half a dozen of the other, I'd say. It's sort of like, it's sort of like how, you know,

Saturnalia becomes Christmas or whatever. It's just one of those things where as society changes, these things change on the, on the, on the corners,

you know, on the edges. I'd whip my dog with my dick. So it got to the point where like, where he'd make on the carpet. Right.

I'd whip it with my dick. And now, just when I start taking off my pants He knows he's done something wrong I don't even have to whip him with it anymore It's a sort of combination of Cesar Millan And Joseph Campbell's The Hero's Journey There's certain themes throughout cultures So many references

Just in the last minute Where I just nod and smile Centennial As Christmas What? Just in the last minute where I just nod and smile. He's a jerk. Sentinela as Christmas. What? Okay. You don't know what Christmas is? What is this? Christmas is in the list of things you didn't understand.

That would be terrific. There's different. I think there could be a scale for sleeplessness, where in Chris's case, he didn't really sleep last night no and and he's up there around nine or ten out of ten on sleeplessness and that's where you forget what christmas is yeah that's how i know like it's just past forgetting the name of the president or what year it is just what christmas is no each one yeah it's just a holiday, Easter, Halloween, Christmas. So you get to know the dogs, and there are these three dogs, two bigger dogs and one smaller scruffy dog that are always being walked together.

And their owners, it's not always the same person walking the dogs. So usually if it's not always the same person walking the dogs, it's like the ladies walking the dog during the day and the gentlemen's walking the dog at night or vice versa, something like that. Sometimes do you feel like the dog's been kidnapped by some strange man? Certainly. But the strange man is still walking him. Yeah. Well.

I mean, as long as they're taking care of the dog. Yeah. It doesn't mean they're abusive. They're a thief. Sure. No, yeah. There's no excuse for thievery. Yeah.

And there is this group of three dogs, and usually the same guy is walking them. But then I started to notice, oh, sometimes this other dude is walking them. Now, these guys are gay gentlemen like myself. That's a callback to something that happened. Yeah, no, I'm not. I'm married to a lady. But, um, these guys are, these guys are what you might call apparent gay men.

Someone assumed you were gay once at a bank or something, right? Yeah, a con man. You know what I'm talking about. A con man assumed I was gay in order to rope me into his con. Ah, you... His AIDS-themed con.

Oh, right. Of course. Of course. I'm suffering from gay AIDS. You know what I'm talking about, right, brother? You look like you've been ravaged by AIDS. You're emaciated. So I notice a second gentleman is walking these dogs pretty regularly.

So now I see these three distinctive dogs. Sometimes it's the one gentleman. Sometimes it's the other gentleman. And that seems perfectly reasonable to me. This seems like a normal situation. I'm hearing a free thinking. Hold on. Just pause in the action.

Pause in the action. Name of the character from the Spanish book Beto Chavez Beto Chavez Anyway Just came to you Just came to me Beto Chavez Beto Chavez

Jesse continue Just so you know Jordan Beto was his childhood nickname He's now Hugo Chavez The socialist president And to think I knew him When he was confused about the difference Between a pen and a pencil

Yeah now he's Now he he was confused about the difference between a pen and a pencil. Yeah, now he is not confused about anything. He's very clear that a pencil is the product of American imperialism. It's difficult to erase. Okay, so, you know, there's certainly there's plenty of, you know, upper middle class gay guys in my neighborhood walking dogs. That's clear. Right right then something happened a third guy started walking these dogs one two three and in addition my wife who's a very keen observer of the human condition, has noted that she has seen them in every possible combination, including all three of them walking the dogs together,

and each group of two walking the dogs together, in addition to each of the three guys walking these dogs individually. And in my opinion, there's only one reasonable explanation for that. And that is, they're a triad. That is amazing. Isn't that spectacular? You know what would ruin it is one of them being a brother of one of the dudes. That would fuck the whole thing up.

That probably isn't the case. Here's what makes me think it's a triad. Okay. Besides this dog thing, which I think is too much of a coincidence to pass up. Yeah, I'm sold on it. A couple years ago, two of my wife's best buddies got married.

It was a lesbian wedding. But a very traditional lesbian wedding outside of them being lesbians. It was in a beautiful... So it was a traditional wedding, not a traditional lesbian wedding. Yes, exactly. That's a distinction, I think.

The wedding was traditional. Did one of the girls wear a tux? No, they both wore lovely wedding dresses. Sure, okay, they're traditional. Old-fashioned. It was very old-fashioned. Hi, pooling on the windowsill, lesbians. Like a Wendy's burger.

So, and one of them, these are two of my wife's closest friends. One of them had an uncle who lived here in Los Angeles, and he's part of a triad, and the triad came to the wedding together. Wow. And not only that, they were the best guys at the wedding by far. I mean, yeah, they're probably real relaxed. They live in that triad. Yeah. But also not just relaxed, though.

Very classy. Sure. Which you wouldn't necessarily assume. You would assume that they would be. If you hear triad, I'll tell you what you're thinking. three people who met at a Dungeons and Dragons convention and decided that they were into polyamory and they wear a lot of black canvas. You know what I mean?

Sure. Three dumpy people with miscellaneous earrings. Three people who make tattoos look uncool, look lame, specifically make them look lame. Not like an arrogant jerk like Ed Hardy style, but just kind of lame and dorky. Maybe they have a tattoo of like Pac-Man or something. That's who you might picture when you think of a triad.

Certainly I would assume that a polyamorous thing, that's the people that I'm thinking of. But these guys at this wedding, super classy, very cool and funny, talked to them a lot about Los Angeles. It was right when we moved to Los Angeles, shortly after we moved to Los Angeles. Really cool dudes. Made me think really highly of the triad community. to list really cool dudes made me think really highly of the triad community.

And I'm only, it's the first thing I started thinking of is them having this three-person secret handshake. Yeah. Like, that's the coolest handshake ever

that was in a, that made a triangle in the middle and they all look down at it and then look at each other. You know what these guys kind of remind me of? And then they look upward

like they're going to fly off in different directions. Does it involve, I think it involves grasping the forearms. Grabbing forearms. Yeah, made popular. Or like strength. Braveheart forearm grab.

These guys in my neighborhood, one of them actually is a little vaguely Rob Lowe-ish. Wait, they're all handsome now, too? Yeah, they're handsome guys. It's gay as me. If you're two handsome dudes and you're living together, if you're bringing in a third, he's got to be at least as good looking or better. What an effortless, wonderful relationship. And there's also sort of a variety of – there's a variety of ages. Like one guy I would say kind of a Bradley Cooper type.

One guy kind of a Rob Lowe type. And one guy who I would compare, and this is an arcane reference that people are probably going to have to Google, but Michael Douglas. Glenn O'Brien, GQ's style guy. Really? The style guy from GQ, Glenn O'Brien. Is he like a bear or something?

No, no bears. No, just some handsome, classy gay gentlemen. Yeah, I bet that that is a nice arrangement if you have a big house. I could see like, and the houses up here in your neighborhood are typically pretty large, so I'm sure everybody's got their own bedroom. It's gotta be great for entertaining.

Oh yeah, absolutely. Am I right? Think about it. Let's say Teresa and I entertain here at the house, and you're invited next time, by the way. Oh thanks, I'll be great in this big party we're inventing. So here's sort of how it works. Teresa is making cocktails. She's setting the table. Teresa is possibly putting out hors d'oeuvres. I'm in the kitchen. I'm cooking up the main course.

Maybe I'm also cooking some potatoes. Masturbating in the bedroom. Sure. What am I doing? I mean, I am a guest, but I hate to be just sitting here like this. You don't worry about it. You brought some wine. It was nice, too. It was very nice of you to bring that. It's pretty cheap, too.

It's only $10. Good bottle. It's $10? Yeah. Oh, my God. I would have guessed $40 wine because it was that good. I know. No, it was on sale.

Are you an oneophile? He's an oneophile. I don't know what that is. That may be a person who's really into sniffing things and not a person who's really into wines. Yeah, I think you might be right about that.

I just know I am that. Yeah, sure. You feel like you're that I'm an O'Neill style Sure But if you're in a triad Here's my point If you're in a triad

Think of you're 50% more effective at entertaining So one guy could be in charge of If you had two ranges Which I presume they have two ranges They seem like they could potentially have Like an extra range An outdoor range Or possibly something built into an island

Yeah Like a kitchen island They definitely have a kitchen island There's no doubt about that in my mind like an extra range, an outdoor range, or possibly something built into an island. Yeah. Like a kitchen. They definitely have a kitchen island. There's no doubt about that in my mind. Stainless steel appliances and a kitchen island all the way. Probably some nice brass pots. Oh, you bet. Oh, I just realized by range you meant like stovetop.

I thought you meant range at like two different, either singing or emotional ranges. Oh, they've definitely got, they've definitely, if they don't, they've got copper bottom because that distributes the heat most efficiently. But they can probably move between

soprano and baritone. Also. I'd like them to have two ranges. Do you think... That's not what it meant. Tenor. Tenor and baritone. Let me ask you this question. There we go. Joke is complete. I am dusting off my hands. Let me ask you this question. There we go. Joke is complete. Chris, let me... I am dusting off my hands.

Let me ask you this question. Beto Chavez. You know how in some cases, vocal groups are made up of singers or families because they have a natural affinity with each other's voices? Like, for example, the Staple Singers or the Carter family. These are groups of singers that sing together, and their singing is particularly effective because they're all related. They grew up together, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Carter's family wasn't a real family, was it? I think it was. Was it? No, no, no, they weren't. They were actors hired to live in a tree together. Yes. Wait, I'm thinking of Swiss Family Rabbit. Were they real?

And did they even sing? No. What did they do? No, no one was real. They just muck up Disneyland with their ugly treehouse. Yeah. That's Tarzan themed now. Yeah, it's Tarzan themed.

But they didn't even clear out the other stuff. They just throw a big, dumb, plastic parrot in the corner. You're like, yeah, it's from Tarzan. Why is there still like... Why is there pirate treasure here? It doesn't make any sense. Lazy. So here's my question.

Do you think that these three gentlemen in the triad, do you think it would be worth their while to start a singing group together? I... Think that's a great idea. So nuts. It's because we're not related. No, that's why great idea. So nuts. It's because we're not related. No, that's why we're not having trouble fighting together.

Fighting that comment. And obviously, now people are going to write me. They're going to say this. No, that was fun. Not leaving me. Hey, hey. The Staple Singers, that's sure. That's two sisters and a father.

The Carter family, they're, again, directly related by blood. But I would argue that bonds of the heart are just as're again directly related by blood but i would argue that bonds of the heart are just as strong as bonds of the blood sure i well that you if you have a pen handy you should jot that down send it to humor in uniform I think what you need to make your goal I think mainly what you need to explore though Is this Is this Awesome potential dinner party.

My husband said you wouldn't like this. But I argue that bonds of the heart. Okay, sorry, Jordan. It's okay. I think you and Teresa need to work on getting invited to one of these triad dinner parties. You've got to make it on the inside. I want to go to this, right? Yeah, no, I mean, that's the next step.

We can sit here and speculate until the cows come home about what they're up to. It would be really, really, really disappointing if they were just gay roommates. Oh, God. Who didn't have sex. No, and they're all watching a football game. They're like, dude, gay tonight? It'd be weird if we had sex because, you know, then we'd get weird. So we don't.

Not even when we're drunk. They're a triad. They're married. They probably have rings. Have you looked at their finger? What if they all had rings? Oh, yeah. They most certainly all have rings.

I'll have to check it out. And then when they do their weird handshake, somehow the rings form something more important. Yeah. You know what happens? Lasers come out of the rings. They form a pyramid in the center, and it shoots up into the sky. And then you get a treasure map. Do you think...

And a magnifying glass and there's a tiny three-ring circus. Would you guys say... No, no, that was good. No, little animals. I don't know. Would you guys say that it's a better... Like a tiny bear.

Would you guys say it's a better use of their time for them to be forming a singing group or... Finding that treasure. Finding crime. I think they'd be better forming a pyramid. A three-man pyramid. I hope they have a ruckus room where all they do is practice pyramids. Getting ready to do them on water skis.

You know they're into water sports. Oh, yes. Slapping each other with wet towels. Oh, man. Do you think I could infiltrate myself into them? Do you think they only hang out with other triad dudes? You should just say, hey, I noticed sometimes you guys have trouble

finding someone to walk your dog. I'm always available, but I need to see your kitchen first. I don't know if I want to participate in a quadrangle, though. No, you don't want to be caught. No. Especially, you don't want to wake up in one. That's been my experience.

Next thing you know, you're in an octuple room. You have talked to him. Next thing you know, you're an octomob. So you know you're octomob. You've talked to him you know you're an octo mom yeah so you know you're octo mom did you you've talked you've talked to them and met the dog okay so i've i've talked to them but only like really only in the meet the dog sense so like there's this other guy who has a little dog he's kind of an older gay guy i've talked to him a little bit more um and like there's certain people in my neighborhood that i've had a little bit more of a relationship with

There's the neighbors that think I may be a child molester For example Those people, by the way, got a puppy And I said hi to the puppy And I think they now think I'm a puppy molester Oh, weird Very hyper-protective dad in that family A hyper-protective dad who lets his small child and puppy

Run around in his yard and say hi to people yeah and then gets upset if they say hi back not to change the subject but do you does it bother you when you talk to their dogs and then they're like oh look at that what kind of dog is he and then they get mad and go oh he's a she like people always seem to correct the gender of your dog yeah care, and who cares? Everyone always – Or even like when you're talking directly to the dog, you're like, hey, boy. Like that's a girl. That's a girl. Oh, I hope it's – is that why it's just shit on the floor?

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't get in there and check its junk. Yeah, usually I get on an automotive back cart and I just get under there and shift through the genitals and make sure. I don't want to be an asshole and say that whether or not... Yeah, you don't want to give the dog identity issues. I just lift it up and show... And then announce to everyone around, there's a big dog vagina over here. Don't make the mistake I did.

What an asshole. I thought this dog had nuts. You three guys have a nice day. I'm really amazed. You know what has consistently blown my mind since i found out about it at about age seven the idea that there are animals that one keeps his pets where you can where they tell you what the gender is and they can be wrong right you know what i mean like i had a friend i had a friend who had uh two rats and they were supposed to both be male rats and then all of a sudden he had a thousand

baby rats. The idea that a professional animal seller can't identify the gender of the animal... Maybe give it a second look. Don't just glance at it. For certain animals, it involves palpation.

You have to be pressing and tugging. You have to extend the... Yeah, the member or reverse member or crevasse. Maybe fold something back. The technical term for lady parts is their crevasse. Sure. But in the end, you're supposed to neuter or spay.

Spay? Spay. But you're not going to neuter or spay a gerbil. You can't. You just need very tiny knives. Tiny, tiny, little, tiny. I circumcised my gerbil, actually. Yeah, sure.

Because I don't want his little penis to look all European and gross. Yeah, right? It's not a religious thing for you. It's an aesthetic thing. I want him to. You didn't want him to... It's not a religious thing for you. It's an aesthetic thing. You didn't want it... I want him to... You didn't want him to wonder why his looked different

from his daddy's. Yeah. Sure. Like if you were bathing together, for example. Or posing for a Christmas photo. Well, I don't know. And if you watch gerbil porn,

they're all circumcised. Yeah. You know, it's just the standard. It is. I can understand that. My phone's ringing, so we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go let's talk on the phone it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective i'm'm Chris Fairbanks, guest for the day.

You know, Jordan, Chris has long stood with guests like our friend Ashkahn or big time Gene O'Neill or these folks who have come on the show frequently and are much beloved. That's certainly the case. No one in our audience doesn't love a good Chris Fairbanks appearance. Well, that's terrific to hear. It's 100%. We actually polled, and it is 100% approval. Strong or very strong like.

Really. Yeah. It's like a five-point scale. We do a lot of focus grouping on this show. Did you know that we do a lot of focus grouping? I didn't know. I didn't know that. All this stuff is finally – can't you tell? You can't tell that scale. We do a lot of focus grouping on this show. Did you know that we do a lot of focus grouping? I didn't know. I didn't know that. Oh, all this stuff is finally...

Can't you tell? You can't tell that we ran this through a lot of focus groups? This is all very calculated. I knew this went through a series of filters, but I didn't know. We gave people a questionnaire that said, what would you like to hear comedy about? And the choices were sandwich fillings, family relationships, weddings, or triads, gay triads. And they chose gay triads consistently. Yeah.

So that's the good news, Chris, is that you're one of our most beloved guests. Thank you. That makes me feel good. The bad news is that you, sir, have been surpassed. Ah, nuts. By who? By the gentleman who sent us this. Now, look at this.

How would you describe this here, Troy? Oh, that's an envelope that looks like maybe it comes with somebody's personal station. Like a nice, classy envelope, right? It looks like someone's getting married. Yeah, it's got a nice... Yeah. It's got a handsome... I mean, there's a save the date notice in there.

It's got a nice Santa Clarita postmark on there. It's quality. It is quality. Not fucking around. Yeah. So I opened this guy up. I got home from a little trip

to the Bay Area to go to the Public Radio International board meeting the other day. This is sitting in my inbox. I opened this guy up.

I think maybe what I'm thinking when I see this is I think that it's a save the date card. My childhood best friend is going to get married.

I know my mom got a save the date card. Maybe. My childhood best friend is going to get married. I know my mom got a save-the-date card. Maybe I'm invited to this wedding, too. And maybe this is the save-the-date card. Maybe it's triad union. I open it up. What is this? Personal stationary from Mr. Dave Holmes.

Wow. Dave Holmes was a guest on our program a few days ago. He was as gracious as can be expected. He's well known as a gracious man. Everyone knows Dave Holmes is a nice, talented, and funny guy. Handles himself with grace. Oh, of course. A very graceful man.

Conducts himself in a graceful manner. Dave Holmes wrote us a personal thank you note by hand on his own personal stationary. Man, that is like, yeah. I mean, that's an old-fashioned class act. Chris, maybe you can come in here with a great anecdote. Maybe you can riff with us and have a great time, but you're never going to beat this. You don't have a personal stationary. I've never even called afterwards.

You don't even know. I mean, you have a hard time. You probably have a hard time remembering what my name is when you're not in here. Johnny, Jane. See? Jared. That's what I'm talking about. This is amazing.

That would have been a great time to know his name. It would have been. It's because I was on the spot. Really shut him down. Jesse Thorne. You know, this is one of those times when I feel like I talked earlier in the show about how Chris Fairbanks has given us so much and you should go directly to iTunes and buy his new CD, Fairbanks. It's only $10, right? Sure.

He's already given you more than $10 worth of enjoyment. He's offering you a value proposition of this great CD for $10. It seems amazing. It seems too good to be true. I want to give him more, yeah. It seems amazing. It seems too good to be true. I want to give even more, yeah.

But I think what we've learned here is that Dave Holmes is not only the greatest guest in the history of Jordan Jesse Go, but maybe the greatest person in the history of, I want to say the world. Maybe I'll scale it back and say America, just because, you know, Catherine the Great or whatever. That's who I chose. He's not asking for ten bucks from anybody. He's not Hawking. If you want to go read his My Year of Everything blog, in which

he reads a collection of high-concept, first-person journalism books of the type, like Super Size Me style, where people go and put themselves through a personal experiment. You can go read My Year of Everything, but you don't have to.

He's not insisting that you do. All he wants to do is tell me and Jordan about how he loved being a guest on our show, and we're an inspiration to him. Oh, no, sir. Au contraire. Sure. You are an inspiration to all of us, no, sir. Au contraire. Sure.

You are an inspiration to all of us. That's how you get asked back. Oh, my God. I feel embarrassed that he is not the host of the show now. Yeah. Who am I to host this show? I've never sent a thank you card. Because he sent you a thank you card, you want him to replace you.

Yeah, absolutely. Really? That's how he look this guy signing you know what i think happened i've got a theory here this is huge a lot of people think that after the mtv you want to be a vj contest that he finished second in they hired him in addition to jesse camp because jesse camp is horrible now i know exactly who dave holmes is continue okay um but here's here's the reality of the situation it wasn't because he didn't get hired because he was great he did a great job and jesse camp was a joke vote that people were voting yeah yeah uh it was actually i mean he that that is true yeah

that's how i became homecoming king but the reality of the situation of the situation is jordan also was homecoming yeah i was Jordan also was homecoming king. Yeah, I was also a joke homecoming king. And won? I've told this a couple of times, but I think it bears repeating again. I won homecoming king one year, and then many years post high school, someone sent me a MySpace message. They're like, hey, do you remember me? I'm Justin from high school.

I was working in the office when you were running for homecoming king, and I rigged it. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. That's weird because I legitimately won off of popularity. Yeah, that's the difference. Okay. How does that feel? I was nominated as a joke because I had ridiculous hair, and I was a skateboarder, the only one in my high school.

Yeah. And I thought everyone hated me. You were the only skateboarder in your high school? Oh, yeah. Everyone quit by senior year. They were playing hacky sack or something. They moved on. Yeah.

They came back to it, I'm sure. But for a little while, it wasn't cool in the early 90s. But I stuck with it. And then I didn't go to the football game. I didn't go to the dance. Maybe I went to the dance. I did go to the dance. Yeah. I didn't go to the football game. I didn't go to the dance. Maybe I went to the dance. I did go to the dance, but I didn't dance. She wanted to get your fuck on.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, I didn't do that until I was 21. I didn't have sex until I was 21. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah, I thought I'd admit that right now. I didn't kiss a girl until I was 18. Now I feel like I have an addiction to those things.

Kissing girls, I mean. I'm from the 50s. Want to share a malt? But, yeah. Hold on. We're from the 20s. We want to share a phosphate. We're from two different worlds, old man.

Anyway, I just felt like it would be a mistake not to mention that Dave Holmes was the most amazing person in history. Yeah. It's as though some webcomics creators passed through some kind of black hole and came out on the other side made of negative matter. Yes. You know what I mean? Sure. Anyway, God bless that Dave Holmes. I didn't.

You guys want to take some telephone calls? Yeah, let's take some telephone calls. Okay, let's do it. Have you done this before? Yeah. Are you having some deja vu or something, let's take some telephone calls. Have we done this before? Yeah. Are you having some deja vu or something? Yes. Or did you not know that we do have a call segment?

We take some calls. We take calls from time to time. Do I get it? Okay, I'll just... Yeah, yeah. I'll be here in case... I'll be on line three. Okay.

We got a couple of miscellaneous telephone calls we'd like to take. Let's start with those. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. This is Stuart from Northern California. I just wanted to add a clarification to the last possible Jordan was wrong. I was just listening to your recent David Holmes episode, and there was a comment made about a license plate holder, the dancers have nice dot dot dot, dot, fun.

Now, I want to say that we're just playing this just because, not because we want people to call. I just, I don't want to hear about it anymore. I feel like 10 people have emailed me, 50 people posted a comment on the message board, 16 people called in. I was going to say, Chris, for your benefit, I was confused last week because I saw a license plate frame That says, dancers have nice dot dot dot buns And thought that wasn't a joke Yeah, it's just about how And it was phrased like a joke

We thought that they just had nice butts and that was it And it had the form of a classic joke Sure A classic license plate frame joke But it was not really a joke And then also, to be fair had the form of a classic joke. Sure. A classic license plate frame joke. But it was not really a joke. And then also, to be fair, the people driving this car were very fat.

Yes. What is that even? Dancers have nice... Well, I guess this guy's going to tell us... Pause for effect. Buns! That's what I... I had a similar reaction to you, but this is, I guess, I was wrong,

and this means something. And as the husband of a former professional ballerina, I can explain said license plate holder. Dancers, particularly ballet dancers, put their hair up on top of their head in a tight bun. In fact, in the dance world, the stuck-up ballerinas are often referred to by the hip-hop dancers or the tap dancers as bunheads. That's all. I just wanted to get – the reason I played this one was not so much because I wanted to revisit this mistake that we made last week. It was that I am amazed that these streetwise hip-hop dancers are like, oh, them bunheads. That's nice, too.

Yeah. Like, word. Those are bunheads. Like, I don't see it fitting into the, I don't know how it fits into the urban vernacular. Well, in case I ever need to punch up a Step Up movie, I'm going to make sure to throw that in there. Throw in a few bunhead things.

You can kind of imagine a tap-dancing Judy Garland-type person calling a ballerina a bunhead. You know kind of imagine a tap dancing Judy Garland type person calling a ballerina a bun head. You know who is a great tap dancer? Or a ballerina? Princess Leia. I don't know. It's a bun head. Oh, yeah. I'm going to leave soon. Almost out of here. Don't worry about it.

Jesse, I was just watching the show, or listening, rather. You've never seen the color purple why why is this targeted at me because number one jordan hasn't seen the color purple yeah uh and number two i've read the color purple i talked about how i've read the color purple like why am i the target of this i'm the one who confused it with beloved in one of my because you guys are a little jordan you're the one who was a literature major in college.

Sure. I wrote all my papers about rap music. I used to listen to the Color Purple soundtrack and sing it. Yeah. What's on there? That song that goes, Sister. Sister.

You know what I'm saying? I do. saying sure we all know that possibly offensive the way I just sang no no Katie Glover hey Jordan Jesse Go this is Dane one of your male homosexual listeners that you mentioned on the previous show

and I had to say, I agree, Jordan is a hot guy. And, you know, Jordan, if you're ever in the middle of absolute fucking nowhere Pennsylvania, give a call.

Just so you know, I'm making the dick in the mouth motion with my hand and then my tongue going into my cheek. You can't hear it it but I did it so

anyhow bye hey you know what uh that that kind of made my day I think I

I think I went on a jag or something recently about how every straight guy has that story about the time that a gay guy

hit on them right that they tell you know, with that kind of tone, they're like, I wasn't into it, but, like, you know, because I'm so hot,

like, a gay guy approached me. And it was totally gross, but it's kind of a hero story, and I guess I never had that. But now I kind of do. Yeah. Thanks, dude. Thanks, middle-of-nowhere Pennsylvania dude.

Yeah. I appreciate it. I will not take you up on it. But I really liked hearing it. You know, it's interesting. What I liked about that call is it's so rare that you have an opportunity to have someone making the dick-poking-your-cheek motion sweet. In a sweet context.

Really friendly. It wasn't aggressive very good nature sure yeah i like that what made it sweet is it's a it's purely a visual thing to do but yeah he did it uh for audio and then just explained it he just by the way and not like a in you know and wasn't in like a like a filthyultry way. He's like, hey, by the way, buddy. Yeah. I'm making, hey, pal, I'm making the dick in the mouth. It was sort of like the audio equivalent of kind of like clapping you on the back with his boner. Sure.

Like, hey, pal. Like a friendly, just like he's clasping the forearm, but a boner. Yeah, God bless him. And then a laser shoots up in the air and we find a treasure map. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you If you don't buy a Fairbanks album, you're on my shit list. Wow. I keep an enemies list, Nixon style. That is not a place you want to be. I'm going to get Halderman on your ass. H.R. Halderman is going to fucking...

Please work. When you do... G. Gordon Liddy is going to fucking take you down because you're on my shit list. Did you know when you made a similar... It wasn't a threat, but more of a demand for people. You demanded they go to my show and take pictures. Remember that? Oh, you know, I think we were doing that

maybe during the high-five contest. Yeah, yeah. Trying to get people to high-five you. A few kids in Austin came. I was amazed. They high-fived you. A few of them didn't even watch the show. They're just like, hey, how's it going?

We saw you last time you were here. So, give the high-five. And I'm like, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. And trying to get you there. Yeah, sure. We got a big Austin pocket. Yeah, that the high five. And I'm like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And trying to get you there. Yeah, sure. We got a big Austin pocket. Yeah, that was really fun. It's nice, right?

It was really fun, yeah. That's nice. Because people love Fairbanks. That's why. Well, I think that it's because of your promotion skills. And I appreciate it. And I like that you have an almost threatening tone that they should buy Fairbanks on iTunes.

I'm in public media. Rule by fear. I understand how you get people to do something. You start by stating the benefits. Sure. Your children love Sesame Street, etc., etc. Then you move to cajoling, and then you move to threatening.

That's how it works. Chris, I don't have to explain to you that on our program we ask people to give us a call at 206-984-4FUN when something momentous happens to them for a segment called Momentous Occasions. I don't think you do. No, I know about that. Hey, Jordan, Jesse. I'm calling Momentous Occasions. This is DJ and Raleigh. I just finished chemotherapy. I'm 28 years old and found out that I had stage 2 colon cancer

in July of last year and thankfully I am now cancer free after surgery and chemotherapy. So yeah, that's pretty momentous. Thanks guys. Love the show. Sorry I cut him off saying love the show. Isn't that great? Congratulations. And as someone who has a family

riddled with colon cancer and I myself have had colon issues and minor surgery. You have a weak colon. I have a porous, susceptible to problematic colon. A porous colon? That's your concern? Well, it's just

there's a lot of voids, opportunity for infection. Like a volcano rock? Like a volcanic rock. Sorry. Sorry. Or a sponge.. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Or a sponge. Sorry.

Dr. Geode. Yeah. But that's true. A young... He's so young. No, but he's doing great. A good friend of Teresa and myself, one of our closest friends, has been fighting the cancer and really sticking it to it. Occasionally she has no hair. Colon or?

She has this weird kind of, she has a really weird, crazy, like, children's cancer. She's not a child. She's an adult. But has some crazy children's cancer. Has to go through these crazy treatments, like above and beyond chemotherapy. Oh, wow. But no cancer in her right now. That's great.

So fucking A, yeah. Way to go. Way to go. That's awesome. So fucking A, yeah. Way to go. Way to go. That's awesome. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Chris calling from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. And I just had a bit of a momentous occasion in terms of awkwardness. I discovered the most possible, the most awkward time to run into an old teacher.

My favorite teacher from elementary school, my third grade teacher, specifically. I believe I just recognized him while naked in the shower at the gym. That's not the most... Bathhouse, right? Yeah. Yeah, a fuck place. I had a third grade teacher that was abusive that would pull my ear and break my pencils because I wouldn't pay attention.

She was a mean lady. Yeah, well, because nothing... Like a little house on the... Third grade cherishes more than his pencils, so... Yeah, yeah. Breaking those is... And then I had a job. My first job was selling coupon books door to door and i was

in some horrible neighborhood i i'd been bit by a dog a few days prior and i was not selling comic book or coupon books i was almost crying and i ended up going to her door and uh and she's like i'm not interested whatever it is and i'm like i, ma'am. Did you teach at Paxton Elementary? Is your name Mrs. Brandoff? She's like, yes, it is. I'm like, you were a really, really mean lady. Wow. And then you sauntered off?

I could hear her starting to cry. It felt awesome. It felt absolutely awesome. And I do not regret it. She deserved it. I was frustrated. Sure. She was a mean lady. Oh, wow. And I do not regret it. She deserved it. I was frustrated. Sure. She was a mean lady.

Oh, wow. And you made her cry. Yeah. I think it was brand off. I might be wrong about that. Okay. Hi, Jordan. Yes, you go.

This is Joe from North Hollywood with Momentous Occasion. I have been out of work and temping for 15 months, and I just got my first permanent job offer in that whole time. So I am celebrating like crazy. It's a great day. Yes. Good. Yes. That's great, right? Sure.

The economy's picking up. I like these fucking momentous occasions this week. Positive, winning, good times, momentous occasions. Absolutely. If you're out there... Downer momentous occasions this week, positive, winning, good times, momentous occasions. Absolutely. If you're out there... I like those downer momentous occasions we usually have.

If you're out there and you don't have our phone number, 206-9844-FUN, in your cell phone so you can call in the second something happens or starts to happen, you know, what the fuck is my position on that? Sure. I mean, like, what are you doing? Like, what is it? You're clearly insane. Here's what's going to happen.

This is what's going to happen. I've started, I've got this information phone. It has a notes application. And from time to time, I'll try and, I've been, lately been trying to remember what I wanted to talk about on the show and write it down real quick in the thing because I always got it on me. what I wanted to talk about on the show and write it down real quick in the thing because I always got it on me. And if you don't immediately call into us, what you're going to end up with

is a note to yourself to call into us about solar-powered gnome two for one. And you're not going to remember what that is. No idea. I get so tired of constantly plugging batteries into my existing gnomes. Yeah, right? I know.

And then you're entertaining and one of the gnomes goes out and people want to leave. I wish I had a backup gnome. Yeah. If only I could get two that are solar pallets. Text. Do you have enough money to buy two? Well, I don't know that I do. I have enough money for one exactly, though.

If only there were a deal. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Chris Fairbanks, today's guest. Wait a minute. Jordan, quick question. Shoot. You see this Chris Fairbanks Today's guest Wait a minute Jordan quick question Shoot

You see this Chris Fairbanks Over here I do Now you said You were going to bring in A Chris Fairbanks To be a guest on the show I did

I knew that you worked With a guy named Chris Fairbanks But the more I sit here You thought maybe It was just like a janitor Or something The more I sit here

And laugh at the things That this guy says The more I think This might be the comedian Chris Fairbanks behind the new hit comedy CD Fairbanks. It is a brand new hit that's only been out two days on iTunes. Well, it doesn't take long. No. I've been reading about you on the Hits Daily Double.

Those were my postings. You're in Billboard. I think this is the comedian Chris Fairbanks You know what Let me put your mind at rest And yes, that is me Holy shit I am the man behind

And starring in Starring in? Yeah, well you're the star of the CD It's a stand-up CD That's one person talking with other people laughing. I would certainly say the CD is a star vehicle. Because there's no doubt you're a star and you're the centerpiece. And you've got to be in some sort of vehicle if you plan on being launched to the top.

Yeah. You know what? Because the pressure builds up. And if you're not in a vehicle or at least in some sort of protective suit, you're going to get brain damage. Right. Are you talking about the combustion qualities of a rocket launch? I am. Okay. I am.

Here's another thing. I didn't want to get too technical because this is kind of a general interest show and I didn't want to make it too techy. With nitrogen, it's oxygen. One other thing. If you're going to go really deep in the ocean, You have to go up slowly so you don't get the bend Sure Pulsars, quasars Another thing

Red dwarf Sure Chris Fairbanks has been our guest on this week's You know, do you have a favorite track on the CD? I feel like we should play something from it At random we should play something from it. At random, we could play something. I don't have the track list memorized, and I named them.

Yourself. Yeah. Well, we'll take a look after we finish recording this segment. We'll take a look. We'll pick out a favorite, and we'll run it after this so that people get a wet-to-wet people's appetite if it's not already sufficiently whetted. Is that a WH? Yes, whet. Whet. I didn's appetite if it's not already sufficiently whetted. Is that a W-H? Yes, whet. Whet. I didn't know that.

Yeah, yeah, whet. It's a queef or queef. It's a queef. Well, it depends on... It's a hemisphere thing. Oh, okay. It's a northern or southern hemisphere. It's sort of like the way water goes down a drain.

Or a barrier reef and a Christmas reef. Sure. That was dumb. Queef barrier reef and a Christmas reef. Sure. That was dumb. Queef. Track seven. Christmas reef. Christmas queef. Download it now.

99 cents. I received another picture of a guy in a 1989 San Francisco Giants National League Championship Series hat. Yeah. An entry in our hat contest. I think this month is going to be the end of the hat contest. What do you think? End of March.

I like it. So far, the leader is 60. 60 hats. I have not gotten an address from the guy who sent me the first 1989 San Francisco Giant National League Championship hat. But if the two guys will send me, both of them will get autographed cards. I offered a Don Caveman Robinson to the first guy. I think for the second guy, I'm going to go with

Rick Rushall. Big Daddy. Big Daddy Rick Rushall. So Rick Rushall for the second gentleman, the one with the white hat. The Don Caveman Robinson for the gentleman with the black hat. Sure. We did an episode of Carolla, the Adam Corolla podcast.

It's up on adamcorolla.com. We had fun. Yeah, absolutely. It was a lot of fun. It's a good show. The man, if you are not into the Adam Corolla podcast, it's a fine program. Yeah, and see, he does one every single day, and he's got great guests, and we're two of them. It was very nice of him to include us and he was

a very gracious host. Absolutely. Slightly distracted. Has a large staff. A garage full of Ford Mustangs. And Man Show memorabilia. And Man Show memorabilia. One like Triumph maybe. Some kind of two seat roadster

that's been turned into a race car. It's a lovely operation he's running out there in Glendale. It's great. He's doing great work. I think he's probably really likable. He was very likable. He was very, very likable. I've been listening to Corolla since I was a

lad on the radio in Southern California. That's why he's so racist against Mexicans. You do see horrible things. Okay, so we'll talk to you next week on – oh, those two guys with the hats, send me your addresses so I can buy you autographed baseball cards on eBay. I'm absolutely serious. And we'll talk to you next week on Jordan Jesse.

Go. Here's a CD from our – here's a track from our pal Chris Fairbanks' new CD, Fairbanks. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Trying to get used to the fist pound. Can't. That's some other white dude. Yeah, what's up, player? Douche.

I'll try, like, I'll succumb to to it but I can't instigate it like I do what you did I'll just panic and grab it like a doorknob oh shit and just twist it instinctively I don't know, this is what I do it feels like a door, is it? what is carpal tunnel?

why are you crying? you're crying and then I go like that that was a doorway to your heart but twasn't and then I go like that. That was a doorway to your heart. But it wasn't. But let's party in here, you guys. Let's knock the roof off of this shit hole.

Let's knock the doors off the hinges. Let's hit the hinges out of the doors and push all the doors down. Let's break the windows. We'll reintroduce the foundation. We'll break glass. Just break glass, actually, and put it on the floor and we'll roll around and we'll just make out in the glass and cut our backs.

And we're gonna laugh our socks off our asses. Yeah, ass socks. You guys wearing your ass socks? Because we're gonna laugh them off. They don't belong there. Socks have no reason to be on your ass. So let's get those off first before we start all the work on the

place. It's good to be here.