Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 128: Young Man's Fancy with Chris Hardwick

Episode Date: March 22, 2010

Chris Hardwick from G4's Web Soup and the Nerdist podcast joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about the desperate waffle shortage, the first robin of spring and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan. Jesse. Go!

Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go. We finally say what everyone's been thinking. What's going on with the worldwide waffle crisis? Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective.

A beautiful, a beautiful day in Los Angeles. The weather has turned to spring here in the City of Angels. Have you guys' thoughts turned to fancy? Am I allowed to talk? Yeah, sure. Why not, Chris Hardwick? Well, that's me. Oh, if it isn't Chris Hardwick.

A lovely vernal weekend with most of the roads closed because of the fabulous L.A. Marathon. Chris Hardwick, you know, Jordan, I don't know if you knew this. I know that you know that Chris Hardwick is, of course, an accomplished stand-up comedian. Yes. I know that you know that he's half of the hilarious music duo Hard and Firm. Did you know that since the last time he appeared on this program, Chris Hardwick has not only his own television program, but his own smash hit podcast?

Wow. I know, right? That's pretty good. Would you say that we're like directly responsible or like solely responsible? I don't think solely is an overestimation. Yeah, I don't either. I think that's fair. I don't either.

I think solely is. Congratulations. Thank you. Well, congratulations to you. Thanks for launching such an illustrious career. Yeah. You guys are the Puff Daddy of podcasting. Congratulations. Thank you. Well, congratulations to you. Thanks for launching such an illustrious career. Yeah. You guys are the Puff Daddy of podcasting. I'm just so happy that we got points on...

We'll soon be a joke in our own industry. Originally, Chris wanted to give us points on the net, but we got points on the gross. Yes! That expression I was alluding to a while ago. I just want to make sure I get it right. Spring is a time when young men's thoughts turn to fancy. Okay, great. I thought it was when young men's fancy turns to motocross.

That is because it's motocross season is coming up. That's right. You need that springtime mud for motocross. And Truxilla. I went to one of those one time. I was surprised at how little stuff happens during it. Well, I mean, the thing is... A monster truck rally, not a motocross.

But there was motocross at the monster truck rally. The thing with crushing cars is that it's like, unless a car is completely destroyed... I mean, cars don't just blow up. So, you know, you can roll over it and it's just like, all right, it's flatter than it used to be. I think we have unrealistic expectations of car destruction thanks to the Jerry Bruckheimer type guy community. Yeah, where just like one bullet in the windshield will create a huge fireball. Just explode the guy in the car, which will create a chain reaction.

And all the women's tops come off. Yeah, exactly. I liked in the last James Bond where it's like, oh, this hotel in the desert happens to be powered by hydrogen, a completely flammable gas. Sure. This building that seems to be made entirely of glass for some reason. Why would they? We should have thought of this.

I tell you, no gunfire. Hoisted by our own petards. What? I don't know what accent this is, but this person built that hotel. I don't think it was clear where we were from in the movie anyway. Okay. We believed it would never crash. Yay, hydrogen! Because the hydrogen would hold it aloft, and the rigid exoskeleton would keep it safe.

loft and the rigid exoskeleton would keep it safe so chris as a uh as a fellow podcaster now do you feel the need that like now being on our podcast do you feel is there like an instinct to maybe like sabotage this podcast by being kind of bad so as to like i don't really feel like answering that see i'm doing it i'm doing it i'm doing it i'm not i'm not yes ending i need to share with you something really important that's going on right now and i don't want to start the show by freaking you out the last thing that i want to do is start the show by freaking you out i mean for god's sake chris has to get over to largo he's got a big show tonight with ed helms um jordan of course you've got video games to play at your apartment. I don't want to ruin everything by freaking you out. But if this freaks you out, don't blame me.

Blame the powers that be. Okay? Is this a – I have some sort of notion that this is going to lead to us being in the basement of Yale at some point, it sounds like. There – I was at... Maybe gaying out on each other while some druids watch. Gaying out? Yeah. That's what the druids love.

That's what the druids love. Well, you're an actual druids. These are like Yale dudes in druid outfits. Oh, okay. Well, it's not worth it if I'm an actual druid. Everyone who goes to Yale is an actual druid. I didn't know that. I just thought they liked to dress up in the druid robes to watch dudes gay out.

The reason you and I didn't get into Yale is because when we wrote that essay about what historical personage we'd most like to have dinner with, we failed to choose a druid. Oh, yeah. Yeah, everyone knows Stonehenge is just a big gay arena. Yeah. to know stonehenge is just a big gay arena yeah stonehenge colon ancient history's spot for gaying out question mark and then scratch out the question mark and put in an exclamation point because we've uncovered that mystery i was at uh gelsons which is a high-end supermarket here in los angeles i don't usually shop there but this is what happened i was shopping on a saturday i didn't want to deal with Trader Joe's.

Trader Joe's has a narrow aisle. It's an intense shopping experience. A lot of distractingly beautiful women. P.S. Trader Joe's, part of their architecture plan is to never have good parking. Yes. Five spaces tops. Yeah. Five spaces.

That's part of that whole hipster, we want to make it hard for the consumer. Why aren't you riding your bike here, asshole? Why can't you surf in on your board of dreams and good intentions?

At the best of times, it's a painful, challenging experience. I hate going there. It makes me uncomfortable. I usually only go there during the day on a week experience. I hate going there. It makes me uncomfortable. I usually only go there during the day on a weekday. I just keep chanting to myself, this is where the good hummus is. This is where the good hummus is.

This is where the good hummus is. So this time around, I decided to pay the extra roughly 35%. Well, yeah. Actually, the thing I've noticed about Gelson's is that it's not like Trader Joe's or Whole Foods where it has different stuff. It's just the same stuff but more expensive. Is that the thing about Gelson's? As far as I can tell, it's the same stuff but more expensive. It's just stuff you would buy at a Ralph's or, for our friends in the South, a Piggly Wiggly.

Right. Which for some reason it costs $8 more. Or a King Soopers if you happen to live in the Midwest. I bought a bag of peas that cost $5. That's all I know. And you didn't actually like the peas. I saw you the peas well i love i love peas is that what you guys were doing before i got here you were watching jesse eat peas is that weird uh i mean no i'm just disappointed oh i'm sorry it's kind of like an ah shit you know is that technique would you

say that's technically a kind of gaying out i mean it's a it's a kind of foreplay in the gay community okay yeah what we call p play yes so i mean that's something else i have orders for my wife to buy whole grain uh waffles so i'm in i'm in the i'm in the waffle aisle checking out the waffles there's a sign in fact a series nuts out of that vice jesse jesus christ a series of identical signs in the waffle aisle. I'm going to read to you what this sign says. It's in the waffle area of the Gelson's. Sure. Due to manufacturing issues, Kellogg's is currently unable to provide a consistent supply of Eggo brand frozen waffles.

to provide a consistent supply of Eggo brand frozen waffles. Vans waffles have seen a substantial increase in demand and are experiencing shortages as well. It is projected that... Vans waffles? It is projected that over the next three to six months, there will be sporadic outages on all lines of frozen waffles. You didn't know about this? I saw this story.

I saw this on... I'm about this? I saw this story. I'm not kidding. I saw this story on a news crawl on CNN four months ago that there is a massive waffle shortage. I'm not even kidding. I think I took a picture of the screen as quickly as I could. It's like, Iraq this, Afghanistan that, waffle shortage. I thought it was a joke. I think it's one headline.

If you ask me, they're related. I think maybe it is related. The struggles in the Middle East are directly related to our waffle shortage over here. Do you think that maybe the Iranian nuclear power controversy is grounded in the fact that they use nuclear power to create our frozen waffles? Well, I think maybe it's part of a terrorist ploy to drive Americans insane one piece at a time. Yeah, right. We will start with the waffles. Then we install the hydrogen hotels.

I think that's kind of how it works. What? And then all the women's tops will come off. What could possibly be causing a waffle shortage? I'm going to guess fat people. Eating so many waffles. I'm going to guess that the American obesity problem is consuming three to five times as many waffles as previous generations. Is it too difficult?

Is there a key element in the waffle supply chain that's irreplaceable? Like, I'm guessing, for example, this is my best guess, I'm not a waffle expert or waffle-ologist. My best guess is that waffles are made with the difficult-to-find metal tungsten. Tungsten waffles. And so as our struggles with Evo Morales, the socialist president of Bolivia, continue,

it becomes more and more difficult for us to get tungsten from their rich tungsten fields, thus throttling the supply of Eggo brand waffles. Well, before the Eggo settled on Leggo My Eggo, they had experimented with Stop Tonguing My Tungsten. And they were like, well, no one's going to know what this is. Because they don't realize that there's tungsten in waffles. Yeah, and maybe Americans might be uncomfortable with consuming this rare metal. You'd think that they would be able to move some capacity from pancakes over to waffles to make up for the situation, the problem.

Now, there's not a pancake shortage. Typical pancake faggot. Thinking you can solve everything by moving your pancakes over to your waffles. Yeah, pretty soon we're going to have to start getting them from Africa, and they'll be blood waffles. That's my thing. It is. It's almost like having a spackle shortage or something.

It's really just a couple of elements, right? Yeah. You should just make more. Right. Oh, my God, you're right. All that's in there is spackle powder and spackle juice. Unless, of course, waffles are also regulated by the Federal Reserve Bank. They're like, we only print so many waffles each year.

Yeah, they'll lose their value. We're in a tremendous waffle deficit right now. Are you suggesting, and let me know if I'm parsing this correctly, that we should perhaps move from a waffle gold standard to a waffle silver standard? I think we need to get off the waffle standard altogether. You believe in free-floating waffles. Yes, I do.

You believe in floating the waffle supply. A theoretical waffle that the American public just is made to assume is there. Sorry if I don't have the same faith in the banking class that you do. Listen, on paper,

I'm very waffle-rich, but I can't just walk into the bank and get my waffles. It doesn't work that way, you guys. You know what happened during the Civil War.

Those Confederate waffles were just worth nothing. You guys say it's a wonderful life, right? I don't have waffles here. Waffles are in Ted's house. And in Mel's house. And in my tummy.

They're delicious in my tummy. Oh, God. Is there a voice more fun to do than the Jimmy Stewart voice? Um, no. No. Except this guy who builds hydrogen. Oh, yes. Where is my money? We've got Chris Hardwick with us.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Wait, I have the cure for cancer. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chris Hardwick, human. That's nice. I like that.

That has kind of a nice sort of world peace circa 1977 vibe. We're all the same color on the inside, guys. Yeah, sorry for our racially divisive nicknames. I feel like our show is sort of like the new free-to-be you and me. It is. Wouldn't you say? Yep, it is. And for our younger listeners, you can look it up on YouTube.

It was a film of delightful singing puppets just trying to get along. Everybody was learning, especially Mel Brooks. He was doing some wild improv. And I think there was some puppet penis and vagina in that was there not where the little baby puppets were like oh you're different than me you're a girl wasn't there yeah boys and girls were learning they were different from each other that's right i had the record album so i don't i don't remember the visual accompaniments oh really it was puppet dicks though really hot just bungee puppet snatch. Man, that sounds fantastic.

Oh, wait. I have something important to tell you that's not that far from that. So I have this. I think I've talked about. Not far from puppet snatch. Yeah. That's your jumping off point for this? It is.

It is exactly my jumping off point for this. Jordan, I think I've talked on Jordan Jesse Go before about how much I love my barber. Yes. And the barbershop experience. I go, Chris, for your benefit, I go love my barber yes in the barbershop experience i i go chris for your benefit i go to a barber here in los angeles he's been barbering for 50 some years uh literally since the 1950s this man has been barbering his name is jerry wow back when they were bloodletting i know right and uh he's he answers the phone barbershop and uh he gives you, he has robot massagers that he attaches to his hands,

and he gives you a shoulder massage with his vibrating, like it really looks like something that would be sold in the back, in a classified ad in the back of a ladies' magazine in 1946. Personal massager? Does he ever offer to put them on your junk? No, because he's a class act. No, he just doesn't. He doesn't offer. Yeah, exactly. Because in the. No, he just does it. He doesn't offer.

Yeah, exactly. Because in the 50s, you just take it. Yeah, now's the junk part. Is what he scowls at you. My barber, Jerry, is cutting my hair, and he's telling me about how he fucks puppets. This is why this is related to Logan. He's telling me about how he had a 56ets right this is why this is related to uh he's telling me about how he had a 56 chevy 56 chevy convertible he's telling me this sweet story about him and his wife going up

to tahoe and their 56 chevy convertible towing a boat it was a really lovely story and i was like wow and and then he says and uh and i said you know did you did you restore it yourself or what was the deal with it and he said no, no, I was the original owner. And I was like, man, that's really nice, Jerry the barber. Like, you have this original 56 Chevy, and he's just this sweet, sort of quiet, friendly guy, barber for 50 years. And he says, and then he goes, Jesse. And I go, yeah, what's that, Jerry? And he says, and then he goes, Jesse.

And I go, yeah, what's that, Jerry? He says, so I took it into the DMV to update the registration. And I was talking to the lady at the counter. Where are his robot massagers at this point in the story? They're in the area below and behind my ball stimulating my prostate. And they're becoming self-aware. You're lucky this is what we want to be doing. We don't want to take over the world.

We just want to take over your balls. And he says, We just want to be covered in taint juice. We're crazy. I like how the robots would have that slang. Yeah. They'd slang me like kind of juice grass you'd think they would have like whatever the you know medical name is for that area perennium yeah so my barber is perennials chris the perennials my barber's my barber's a sweet man and um he's he's talking to the woman that he says i was talking to the young lady at the DMV, and she noticed that I was the original owner of the car.

And she said, wow, that must be a real treat to have a car that old. And then he goes, and so I looked around, and there wasn't anybody standing nearby. So I leaned over the counter, and I said, it's my pussy wagon. Wow. Oh, no. How did that go over? He said, and she just laughed and laughed and laughed.

Boy, is he lucky. He's lucky. That's a crapshoot to drop pussy wagon on a DMV employee. Yeah. And you're an old guy. The thing is. I guess better if you're an old guy. Here's the thing.

My barber is A, old. I mean, the man is 70 years old. B, he is literally the sweetest man in the history of the world. Any idea you have about barbershop with porno magazines on the counter? This guy is like Mr. McFeely. Literally. He's got a speedy delivery, if you know what I mean. There's probably a bunch of dead models in the trunk of that car.

It's literally his pussy wagon. Yeah. That's how he carries it around. He puts an ad on Craigslist. I'm casting for a barbershop commercial. I'm casting for a murder victim. Sure. I've been going to this barber for two years.

I've never heard him say a swear word. Right. I've been going to this barber for two years. I've never heard him say a swear word. Right. It's my pussy wagon. And he whispered it to me, too. Because he didn't, he wasn't sure if anybody else should hear it.

And then he like, then he didn't, he just kind of gradually kind of rub his cheek on your cheek after he whispered it to you? Yeah, it felt so good. It was a night,

it was coarse. It was almost painful, but not quite. Sort of like when, I don't know if you've ever had this experience, but sort of like when somebody with a robot massager on their hand really gets up in your perineum. Yeah. And the robot is confused about what love is.

I think you guys should co-host a show called This Old Pussy Wagon. And you just travel the country and fix up pussy wagons and uh yeah you put like put like carpet and disco balls in them this car is so awesome it's now a pussy's wagon yeah because it wouldn't just be singular at that in that so many pussies my barber totally has a picture of him and ray romano on the wall that's like and he's got he's got several portraits that have been drawn by his uh the guys the people that's like and he's got he's got several portraits that have been drawn by his

uh the guys the people that his whose hair he cuts pussy wagon pussy wagon it was a really lovely moment in my life yeah i can see i can see how it would be i guess yeah i guess i i guess uh i guess it's i guess i know the phrase pussy wagon from kill bill but it's interesting thinking that that's like a colloquialism or like something. He probably got it from Kill Bill. Yeah, he probably did. I'm just trying to imagine my barber watching. I mean, I guess now that my barber has said to me pussy wagon.

Yeah, the gloves are off, man. The robot massager gloves are off. Oh, my goodness gracious. Jerry the barber pussy wagon. It was a delight. I'm sure that I like that he whispered it to just you and the DMV and now your entire audience. Yeah. Well, that's what's important at the end of the day. That's that's the kind of thing that you have to talk about.

It's those this show, I think ultimately it's about magical moments. Yep. You know what I mean? Did you I think the last show that we the last show that we recorded was um was the day of the oscar telecast right yeah i think so uh did you did you watch the did you watch the oscar telecast no i was traveling to san francisco to host an event on the monday and so the oscar started when i got to the airport to host an event eh host a video game launch no i was guessing that it was something about a game. What video game? Final Fantasy XIII. Oh, wow.

That's a pretty... That's a prestigious video game, isn't it? It was. And so I got to the airport right as the Oscars were starting. By the time I left, got to Oakland, got driven to the hotel, checked in. It was just like the last two awards. Did you see Jeff Bridges? Mm-mm. Got driven to the hotel, checked in. It was just like the last two awards. Did you see Jeff Bridges?

Mm-mm. Okay, this was probably the greatest thing that's ever happened in my life. Yeah, yeah. Jeff Bridges accepting his Oscar was fantastic. Number one, who isn't a Jeff Bridges fan? Certainly if you're... He's popular. He's very popular. I would just assume that you were being assaulted by massage robots.

No, no, no. That was me pshawing it off, but then taking it to the next level. Because it's such a preposterous statement. I thought you were describing a Michael Bay film. Yeah, right. At the very least, if you're not a fan of Jeff Bridges... Racial joke. Racist joke.

That's a Jeff McElbane joke. He likes to mix it up between racial jokes and racist jokes. Sure, right. Racial jokes just involve people of other ethnicities. Racist jokes then look down upon them. So I think that's the delineation. Everyone loves Jeff Bridges. Whether you love him for

his distinguished career as an actor, for his books of on-set photography, of course he's an accomplished hobbyist photographer. I'm actually wearing a shirt from the movie Tron, which starred Jeff Bridges. Starring Jeff Bridges. And I'm wearing some promotional socks from the movie Tron, which starred Jeff Bridges. Starring Jeff Bridges. And I'm wearing some

promotional socks from the movie Max Payne, which co-starred Beau Bridges. Oh. So this is fun. I didn't really. If I actually had Max Payne promotional socks, that'd be fucking awesome. I wish, man. I wish my life was going that good. It is not.

It was... Jeff Bridges was nominated for this movie Crazy Heart I don't know I haven't seen Crazy Heart did you see Crazy Heart Jordan? I did not it just looks like

the singing wrestler to me my dad loved it sure my dad loves Crazy Heart although to be fair it seemed like a movie specifically for dads yeah I mean

and my dad my dad usually his usual system of judging a movie as we may have talked about on the show before, is whether he got a good nap in. And if he got in a good nap, it's a five-star movie, no matter what the other variables are. I would guess the opposite rating, that if you could sleep during a movie, then it's probably not. One would presume that, but then one would not have met my dad, then.

I would venture to guess that your dad is probably like most of America. That's how America works. My dad sees going to a movie as an opportunity to escape the torture that's going on in his mind on a day-to-day basis. And so if he gets in a nap uh god bless that movie whether it's citizen kane or juana man um so wow that's uh that's that's that's from like the bad movie archives juana man yeah sure well you gotta gotta drop in some juana man if it's an if it's an eddie griffin vehicle i'm in yeah that was an eddie griffin vehicle wasn't it don't know why not yeah sure we're racial i uh my the blockbuster that i grew up going to uh i was just thinking about this the other day i don't think i thought of it as this

at the time because it's what you know you know but the blockbuster that i grew up going to was so focused on what I would loosely call fat beach style films. Sure. Like I remember – Maybe a booty call. Yeah. Exactly. That's exactly what we're talking about. There was a movie that had KRS-One in it that I think was called Car 54, Where Are You or something like that.

And that movie – That was based on an old television show. Yeah, I think so. But with the fat You? or something like that. It was based on an old television show. Yeah, I think so, but with the fat boys. Buster Poindexter also in that movie. I believe he was. If I remember correctly. And that movie probably came out in 1989, I'm guessing. I think that the full-size, extra-large-size movie poster

for that was still up in my Blockbuster well into 1996. And this is a Blockbuster. They're supposed to have corporate rules to rotate those posters. Right. But anything Eddie Griffin was just good as gold in my local Blockbuster movie center. Jeff Daniels. Jeff Bridges.

Jeff Bridges. Yes. Not Jeff Daniels. also a great actor yeah sure um did you am i not mistaken that jeff bridges thanked his parents in heaven for helping him get into such a groovy line of work yes he did and he said dude and man uh several dozen times uh yeah just further evidence that that that the dude was just not acting. Well, the Baskin fans were. They just turned on a camera and Jeff Bridges started existing and then a movie happened around it.

It's amazing that he, because he doesn't play the dude in every film. No. It's amazing to me that someone who is the dude in real life can transform himself into something else. Like Starman or Flynn. Exactly. I can imagine one of our many great actors or actresses

transforming themselves into a dude-like character. But not the other way around. But the other way around seems so improbable. MCP, man! You're harshing my mellow, taking over this game grid, bro. All right, Jeff, you've got to dial that down a little bit. I'm working on the assumption that that was Tron-related. That was Tron-related.

Okay, I heard game grid. That sounded like a Tron thing. Yes, MCP, MasterCard. Now, Chris, I mean, clearly, Tron fan, there's a new Tron movie coming out. Can you confirm or deny? Tron 2.0, yeah. Feelings? I love that Jeff Bridges is in it.

Okay. I think that the possibility for it to be really cool is there. We have the technology. Now, Jordan, you said that our friend Chris Hardwick was a Tron fan. He's a man who composed a rock opera based around Tron. This is true.

Wow, okay. Maybe I didn't know that. Yes, it's true. Mike Furman and Brendan Small. So maybe a Tron obsessive then. Is that too far? I mean, you have to understand, the CG that they did in that film, they didn't have programs to make that. They were literally experimenting by just plugging math formulas into these computers and then just hoping that it worked. So, you know, now they actually have software that can do that shit, you know, that should be able to do that stuff really well.

But I'm a little worried about it because I saw the trailer and it's just, I don't know. I want it to be good. Believe me, I want it to be good. I'm going to go see it. Sure. I want it to be cool. Yeah, it seems like the issue is that before, Tron was, this is what it would be like to be in a video game of the time. Like, here's what it would be like to be in a 1985 video game.

But now it's different because a video game looks better, so what's this going to look like? Well, it was 81. And so, what was interesting about it is that at the time, increments of information were measured in things like bits and bytes. Sure. And now

it's... Boops. And boops. And now it's just not. Blarts. Yeah, there's no Blarts. There's no Paul Blarts small cop. I would like to see a 2.0 version of Can You Feel It? by the Jacksons.

That might be hard to pull off. One of them passed away. Were you aware of that? No. Tito? No, he's fine. He'll never die. Oh, good. Because of them passed away. Were you aware of that? No. Tito? No, he's fine. Tell me. He'll never die.

Oh, good. Because of that mechanical heart. He's got the mechanical heart. Is it? I have a question for you guys. My wife emailed me from work the other day with a piece of information that I knew, and I'm trying to determine whether this is something that everyone knows, or I only know because I'm a big jermaine

jackson fan uh because i'm a big fan yeah no go ahead let's get serious um uh did you guys know that uh jermaine has a child called your majesty i did know that i did not know that uh i did know that yeah i'm guessing do you think that 50 I did know that. Yeah. That's great. Do you think that 50% of America knows that there's a one in two? Because I knew my wife was shocked when she discovered it. Chris Hardwick knew. Jordan didn't know. Yeah.

No, I mean, the math is sound. Okay. Excellent. Yeah. I mean, I see no need to investigate this further. In a way, it's like the abortion debate. It divides us. Right. It divides us almost equally. And I think the name Jermajesty is dangerously close to violating our civil liberties.

Although in the same vein. It should be up to the states to decide whether or not to name a child Jermajesty. Yeah, I think what you should do is have people email you whether or not they knew about Your Majesty and just do a count. And we'll just do, you can just do a little cross-section.

I'm going to put, okay, I'm going to put on this. But your audience is, you know what, your audience is, I'm guessing your audience is smarter than. No, no, this is a perfect cross-section of America. Okay, all right. People listening to this.

I know you were going to imply that they're a little brainier. No, just a lot of Rust Belt. I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt. There's a lot of people sticking around in Detroit that are listening to our show. A lot of people in Lansing, Michigan, home of the Lansing Lugnuts. These are the folks who listen to our program. It's not people who know.

It's not a bunch of Jackson's nerds. Well, then, in that case, I think it's a good test. Surveying tool. This show is as much a surveying tool as it is an entertainment podcast. Oh, Chris, can I, can I, sorry, before, this is,

I actually am kind of interested in the idea of what you do when you host a video game launch. Well, during the day, there were two events for fans of the game. And so they showed a trailer from the game. Maybe for the non-Final Fantasy, very nerdy, very Japanese role-playing franchise. Isn't this like one of the most popular video game franchises in the world? Yeah, I mean, they basically kind of changed the way that RPG-style video games... Role-playing games.

Yes, were made. I mean, it was, you know, RPGs in the late 90s were kind of popular. And this one, I think Final Fantasy... Oh, shoot, I can't remember what year it came out. But it's been a while. I mean, now they're on number 13. It was early 2000s, late 90s, I think. And so it was very influential,

and there's just been a series of them, and they get better and better with each one. And Final Fantasy X was very popular. So this is 13, and it looks stunning. And so, of course, Final Fantasy the movie was a smash hit. Oh, it's really good. The thing I remember about Final Fantasy the movie was a smash hit. The thing I remember about Final Fantasy the movie

apart from just having zero to do with any of the games. I mean the games all themselves exist in independent continuities like Final Fantasy 13 is not related to Final Fantasy 12 but the game just seemed to have zero to do with the game

and in kind of the climax The game just seemed to have zero to do with the game. And in kind of the climax, the characters all do that move where they heroically stay behind to fight so everybody else can get away. And then at the end, it's just like two guys. It's like, well, that wasn't worth it. No one died for the greater good. You all just martyred yourselves one by one. Yep, that's how video games work. Yeah. And also someone said the phrase,

this planet has a high phantom density. And I thought that high phantom density is basically the best phrase ever. Ooh, that's a pretty good phrase. Yeah, it's a great phrase. I don't know. I can't speak for the Earth's phantom density, but I do like that concept. We have a moderate phantom density.

I'm George McFly. I wouldn't say that it's a phantom planet. Yeah. No, but there is some degree of phantom density. Yeah, and there's a lot of Jason Schwartzman. Sure. If you just swat your hand through the air, there's a good chance you might hit a phantom. I know, and it'll be crossed, too.

Oh, I accidentally hit Jesse's VHS copy of Phantom off the shelf. Oh, I accidentally hit Jesse's VHS copy of Phantom off the shelf. Jordan, remember when you borrowed my collection of audio cassettes of the popular radio program, The Phantom? I do. I'm going to swath them out of your hand. Well, so I, you know, we show, we bring out the game developers and bring out, you know, and they talk about the game and then the voice actors. And then we just repeat that a few different times during the day. And then at night there is the actual launch party where shit goes crazy.

Industry people and that sort of thing. And so it was fun. It was really fun. Did you meet some cool video game industry types? Yeah, yeah. I met the people

who directed and helped do the battle programming for Final Fantasy XIII. They did not speak English, but they were very nice. Uh-huh. I mean, they were nice if their translator was to be trusted. They were very nice.

And it was fun. It was really fun. It's nice that they had a translator on hand, though. That's thinking ahead. That does take a little bit of planning, and it's nice. Did you bring some small gifts for people that you met? Because when I went to Japan, I was instructed to bring some small gifts i was told that the japanese really love beef jerky i i just grabbed a handful of air and said here's a phantom here's

some of our local phantoms because of the astonishing some of our phantom wares the astonishing density of uh phantoms here on earth uh we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chris Hardwick, waffle liker. Oh, it's great to have you here, Chris. I've enjoyed listening to your Nerdist podcast, by the way.

Thank you very much. We were just talking about what a pleasure it was to hear from Drew Carey. Yes, he was phenomenal. He's such a sweet guy. He certainly seems like it. He's great. And just the fact that, you know, just to hear what it was like to be doing comedy

in a time when there were only a couple of channels of television, and then that was pretty much it. You know, that and record albums were really your only delivery portals for entertainment. It's amazing because he lived in that world and yet is not old. It's amazing because he has an old person skill set having appeared on Carson, but not old. I mean, when you think about it, it really was not that long ago. I mean, 25 years?

I mean, obviously cable television started in the 70s, but, you know, it wasn't really until the mid to late 80s when everyone had cable and there were tons of channels. And so, you know, he, for him to start in his 20s or, you know, mid 20s or whatever would only put him in his late 40s, early 50s now. So, yeah, it's really great to hear from someone who was able to experience that lifestyle because now media is so mega splintered as we know and are responsible for. And in some ways it's good and in other ways you kind of wish like, ah, fuck. If all of the audiences were focused onto only a few channels, it would be a lot easier to get your work out. Although, Chris, I would add this. Certainly, you say that as someone who is prodigiously talented, handsome, someone who certainly we would say the camera loves.

Sure. Spry, I would add. Yeah, sure. Good add. Good mod. Thank you. Yeah. Sinuous, I would add. Yeah, shit. Good add. Good mod. Thank you. Yeah. Sinuous, I would say. Sinuous is, yeah.

All right, I'm still with you. It's veering over into non-compliment now, but sure, we're just saying things, I guess. Scrawny is a word. Yeah. Elegant. Can we say elegant? Swanlike. Graceful.

swan-like. Graceful. And given those factors, given your talent, given the fact that you're a handsome man who looks good on television, given the fact that you're so sinuous, and

because of that, you set the hearts of American women aflame in the same way that you know, Cary Grant once did. Or Leonardo DiCaprio in the late 1990s. Yeah, yeah, I would put myself in that category. Actually, I think I get more

I think I get more fan tweets that say you're hot from gay dudes. Really? Which I have to say, That's kind of cool. I genuinely appreciate it because, You know, actually, last time we recorded the show,

I got my first you're hot from a gay dude on our answering machine, and it felt great. I'll tell you what's great about it is that gays are very picky. Sure. And they know what looks good, and I appreciate that.

I really, really appreciate it. Thank you, gays. I really appreciate it. I honestly, really appreciate it. Thank you, gays. I really appreciate it. I honestly do. Sincerely. Just to bring it back to me, what really made mine flattering was he let us know while he was talking about how good looking I was, he was making

the tongue in cheek to look like dick motion. So you're going to blow him or he wants to blow you? You know what? It doesn't matter. It's just cool. Flattering either way. Flattering that he would want to deal with penises and mouths in some way. Just to know that you're wanted.

With little old me. Yeah, that's really nice. And I think you have all these skills that are perfectly suited for an age of mass media. And you've remade yourself, certainly as a niche media superstar with your hit television program have all these skills that are perfectly suited for an age of mass media and you've remade yourself certainly as a niche media superstar with your hit television program web web soup your popular website and podcast nerdist.com certainly you've you've found a niche to hit a home run in every

time but uh frankly without without uh action sports television networks and marginal public radio programs and internet podcasting about dicks, I don't think Jordan and I would be eating. I think we'd be working at the Carl's Jr. Sure. I'll tell you what. It was a lot harder 25 years ago to do penis and mouth related programming and have it get out anywhere. So no, you're absolutely right. Just putting it out there. And the fact that, and I feel like they're both uniquely challenging.

Like the challenge in the old days was you have to be good enough to get on television because there's only so many spots. Right. And now the challenge is everyone is broadcasting something, so you have to be good enough to be able to be heard above the din of the rest of humanity, which is a fully integrated digital culture now. I want to share something about what it takes to be heard above the din of the rest of humanity. I think this telephone call is really, I hear it as a clarion call, an inspiration in terms of that very issue.

Okay. Hey, Jordan, Jessica. It's Heather in San Francisco. I was just calling to let you guys know, mostly Jesse, that I was just coming out of the 24th Street BART station in San Francisco. My former home BART station. Okay. And there was a house that, you know,

has this really great, like, charcoal drawing of the cover of Lou Reed's Transformer. And now next to that portrait is another gorgeous portrait of KTVU's Dennis Richmond. So I thought that maybe you would like to know that. I do. In all of our hearts. And we miss him terribly.

Okay, goodbye. He lives in our hearts. A man whose powerful voice, whose keen sense of judgment, whose rational and intelligent approach to local television news has inspired all of us. And that's without bringing into this his number one qualification, which is just a spectacular mustache. Just a beautiful, full, inspiring mustache and i'm sorry inspiring in what way it inspired me to want to have a beautiful full inspiring mustache now are you like me and you have uh white guy syndrome anglo syndrome where you your your face tries to tell you by not growing properly that you shouldn't have a mustache. And sometimes you try anyway in spite of your genetic makeup.

And you want it so badly. You want it so bad. Because it's too much hair. It's enough hair that it's annoying. And you have to shave it all the time and blah blah blah blah blah. It's like trying to fuck a phantom. You got it, Jordan. Well, I don't think it is because you can fuck a phantom. All you have to do is just swing your hips in any direction.

Just start air fucking. And a phantom will get in the way. What we determined earlier is that we have a phantom-dense atmosphere. I want to play this call for you guys. This is sort of like one of those calls where I was interviewing somebody at South by Southwest, a short filmmaker, and he talked about how... How tall was he? Oh, come on, you guys. He talked about how...

That's my dog pound in the background. He talked about how it's important in any story to open with some mystery, something that will draw the audience in and make them want to find out what's next. And I feel like this was sort of a perfect distillation of that. Hey, Jordan and Jesse. This is Grant from Phoenix calling with a momentous occasion. Let's see. I was just fired because of a text message and via text message. And it went something like this. My boss wished me happy birthday. He said, happy birthday, old man. My boss wished me happy birthday.

He said, happy birthday, old man. We're very happy to have you around. And I responded with some things. You can fill in the blanks. But the end of the long string of text messages was, go fuck yourself from my boss and hope you have a great future. And so, yeah, that's how I was fired and why I have free time to call a podcast Wait, what? This guy called in to say He's leaving out essential information here

I mean like probably the most I'm not even going to say probably Definitely the most important information How do you get from happy birthday Old guy to fuck yourself Yeah I don't understand his choice Because first I thought,

maybe he doesn't want to swear. But then he ends it with fuck yourself. And clearly that was not the issue. Could not be more perplexing. He said it as though it was A leads to B, which naturally leads to C. My boss sent me a happy birthday text message. And of course, at the end,

he told me to fuck myself and enjoy my next job. Here's pretty much the history of the Earth in a nutshell. First, the Earth was here, and then some other stuff happened, and now there's people. Like, that's how that guy would be as a history teacher. Yeah. And, you know, I feel like this is a constantly recurring problem. I feel like it's mainly the problem with the sex stories that we get is the thing you would want to hear about is left out. I would call that bad storytelling.

Yeah. Okay. Now, this is a story. This is a person who called in. And I feel like this is a person who understands that you have to close with a bang. You have to understand what is the impact in your tale, and you have to leave people wanting more and completely satiated to the point of overflowing. That's what I feel like this person really understands in their 30 seconds on the telephone.

Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is Pete from Albany, New York, calling. I just saw a sign at a church, and the sign says, Reckless loving is reckless living, dot, dot, dot. Use your head. Use a condom. And then somebody wrote in, I don't know, paint or something underneath, in the butt. I don't know, paint or something underneath in the butt. See, this is a man who

understands how to make an impact. It was already an interesting story and he ended it with a strong closer, as we say in the business. Absolutely. You have to leave the audience. Now the audience is on their feet. They're roaring for more, but you're not going to give it to them. They just got the best in the

business. It's hard to follow that. I don't even know if you could follow that with an encore. I think it's just a good night. No. It's just a tip of the hat. How's your uncle? God bless America. Here's how the previous guy would have told that story.

I was walking by a church, and then I'm not going to bore you with what happened in the middle. And then in the butt. Or then I laughed at the sign. I laughed at the sign I saw. It was great. It shows an innate understanding of joke structure. Jordan and I got into this thing a couple weeks ago where Jordan was perplexed by this license plate frame. The license plate frame was on the van of some very, very, very obese people.

And it said, dancers have great buns. To paint a clearer picture, the top of the license plate says, dancers have nice. And then you look down as if to see the joke, and it's just dancers have nice buns. Now, it took us a week of listening to telephone calls and polling our thousands of audience members to realize that this is apparently an allusion to the fact that many, but not all, dancers wear their hair in a bun. Oh. Now, I think this call, I think, is almost, I would say, a distillation of the spirit of that license plate frame. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Goh, just calling in with a momentous occasion. It's actually about the topic that you guys are talking about on the podcast,

about license plate frames and how license plate frames with not really that funny subject matter, I guess, on them. Well, anyways, I just saw a silver Corvette with the license plate frame that said, my other ride is at home. So that just reminded me of the podcast. My other ride is at home. I have to say, I'm normally not a fan of license plate or license plate frame comedy. I love the purity of that statement. It's almost like a Norm MacDonald joke or something. It really is.

I think even better was, my other ride is a ride. I think that's the next license plate friend. That's fantastic. If I'm behind the wheel, then I'm driving. This is a car now. This is a car now. It's all about capturing magic moments.

It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. We've got Chris Hardwick with us. We'll be back in just a second with more. P break. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chris Hardwick, solid phantom. It's great to have you here chris isn't it nice to have chris hardwick back it's very nice

it's fun to be back on the show a long time coming well because you would you emailed me a couple times while coming back on and i had scheduling problems and each time i really felt like i want to go back on that so much fun out it's a blast It's a blast. It's a blast to have Chris Hardwick. Max Funcon alum, Chris Hardwick. Max Funcon alumnus. Alumnus. Alumnus. God bless Chris Hardwick. He's got his own podcast with our pal Jonah Ray,

who's also a Jonah Ray, also a veteran of Jordan Jesse Go. Yes. So we kind of made him, too. Yeah, well listen, no one's disputing that you're not. At the time, he was just some guy with a seven-inch out. Pardon me? He had a seven-inch out at the time. How do you mean, sir?

It's a single-track vinyl recording. Oh, thank God. Oh, I thought you were talking about his dick. No, I was. No, I wouldn't. Oh, now we're all on different pages. No, I wouldn't. No.

No, I would never. Ever. I I wouldn't. Oh, we were all on different pages. No, I wouldn't. No, I would never. Ever. I certainly wouldn't. On our program, we ask people to give us a telephone call when something momentous happens to them. It's a segment called Momentous Occasions. Ah, good evening to the fine podcast Jordan Jesse Go. This is C.M. Gonzalez in Los Angeles, California. A beautiful occasion that you could call momentous.

It happened yesterday, and it's been carrying me ever since. This has not been a fun week. Without getting into things, it's just been pretty terrible for lots of things. But yesterday, coming home from work, I walk up the stairs, and I I happen to glance over and at the house, which is across the yard, look up the roof and there's this little bird. It's the first robin of spring. And you recognize him because he's a little bird with a red breast. And I look over and he's got a little twig in his beak, and he's hopping around on the roof being followed by another little robin,

a lady robin, you can tell because of the coloring. And her tits. It's a beautiful thing to see. You look over, and on this great, beautiful day that you suddenly notice is that suddenly after work you notice it's a beautiful day that you suddenly notice is that suddenly after work you notice it's a beautiful day and you come home and you look over and you see the first robin of spring hopping across a room roof uh on his way to build a house for himself and his and his uh lady robin bird it's a beautiful what maybe he was robin of spring maybe he was going to use the twig to beat her because she was cheating on him.

You don't know what they were doing. Yeah, sure. But I have to say. Don't just assume that it's beautiful. It could be awful. If you know Mr. Gonzalez in Los Angeles, give that guy a hug. It sounds like he's having a rough time. He's having a tough time.

But you know what? I hope it gets better for him. He had something beautiful enter his life. And you know what that was? That was the first Robin of spring. I feel like that was just kind of a news from Lake Wobegon. It just happened. To be truthful,

it was the first and second Robin of Spring. By the seventh Robin, it's like, rope it in, guys. I get it, Robin. Let's get some Blue Jays out here. You live in houses, too. Maybe I missed the Lutheran jokes, but I think that that was a sincere and not a manufactured moment of magic.

My other Robin is at home would be the Robin plate that I would put on that. You guys put Robin plates on your Robin plate. My other Robin has hollow bones. A quick momentous occasion. I just got a letter telling me I have a $10,000 a year scholarship to a college that I really wanted to go to. So I was very happy about that. Thanks for the podcast. I love it.

Bye. See, it's nice moments in people's lives. It's kind of a selfish moment, though. The other guy was seeing something in nature, and she's like, I have $10,000 a year to go study things. Yeah, Chris. That other guy we made fun of is way better. I did not make fun of Mr. Gonzalez.

That's a guy you don't want to make fun of Because he's having a rough time And I want someone to hug that guy Chris, what I didn't expect And I'm going to be honest with you When we invited you back on the program The last thing that I expected Was that just because you have your own television program

On the G4 network Oh, you're talking about WebSoup? Sunday's the date? I don't know what it comes on You have your own It date? I don't know what it comes on. You have your own... It might. I don't know. Hard to say. Just because you have your own popular podcast

in the world of on-demand media, I would never have expected you to go Hollywood. You of all people. Did I? It sickens me, Chris. What did I? Yeah, what did I miss? Wait, what happened?

What did I miss? You turned against a young woman who was just trying to pursue her dream of a college education, almost certainly the first person in her family to go to college. Yeah, but I'm such a fan of the Mad Men paradigm. Sorry. No, no, he's right. Well, understood.

If you have a momentous occasion, you can give us a call and record it for us. 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. 206-984-4FUN. We'll to call. 206-984-4FUN. We'll be back in just a second with more of Jordan Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Oh my God, that would be so wonderful to have that ability. That would be like the best X-Men power ever. Yes, indeed. Hello, Jordan. Hi, John.

All right. I don't mean to stand in the way of progress. Okay, here we go. It's Jordan Jesse Goem, Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore's boy detective. Chris Hardwick, person. go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan moore's boy detective chris hardwick person you're you're really like you're you're losing your nickname momentum chris you could just have one like i don't you don't need to come up with a new one each time that's why i'm so bad with nicknames i feel like i can't repeat them yeah that's why none one never sticks because i

throw a different one every time um you know in the, in the world of entertainment and just in the world of day-to-day life, it can be so difficult to resolve disputes. You said it, Tyra. Um, there, if only there were some final arbiter, a man so wise that his word was quite literally gospel. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're talking about Jesus Christ. Get out of my you're thinking. You're talking about Jesus Christ. Get out of my head! But I'm not talking about Jesus Christ. I'm talking about a man who's possibly even more wise and certainly...

And less controversial. Certainly more... Because that's something we don't need on this show, is controversy. Certainly, at the very least, more frequently seen on television. To be specific, I'm talking about Judge John Hodgman. Judge Hodgman, welcome back to Jordan, Jesse Goe. It's a pleasure to have you. Thank you. I'm John Hodgman, the double-jointed jester.

Oh, he was prepared. And as I've always said, more famous than Jesus. It has been confirmed. It has been confirmed. I want to point out that for this segment, I'm wearing promotional The Tavis Smiley Show headphones. Sure. And apparently Tavis skimped on the length.

Wait a minute. Are you wearing Beats by Tavis Smiley? Are those the headphones you're wearing? Oh, gosh. Those Beats by Tavis Smiley. They needed a way to up the ante after the success of the Dr. Dre headphones. Exactly. They're sensible looking. They look sensible.

I think they would be more like Insights by Tavis Smiley. Yelled Insights. These Tavis Smiley headphones, apparently the folks over at Tavis skimped on the cord part of these headphones. I've had these headphones since I got them for free at a public radio conference. I like Tavis a lot, but they're too short. The cord is too short. I cannot put my phone or MP3 player in my pocket with these on without hunching down. But I think the problem is, Jesse, you are 13 feet tall.

That's true. And these are probably proportioned for a normal human, a non-giant. That's fair. That's fair. It's not my place to say. Okay, so what we do when we have Judge Hodgman on is we present a dispute. This is for your benefit, Chris. The two parties in the dispute are typically at loggerheads.

I'm already lost. Wait a minute. Is Chris Hardwick there? Yes. Oh, you have to explain everything to that guy. Yeah. Whoa, what? Yeah.

All right, Chris, you've inhaled. Exhale, exhale. That's how you stay alive. What about the next time? I'm sorry. That's why his nickname is Exposition Chris. That's right. We've got...

John says that because I explain everything. Sorry, Chris. Just to make that clear. Well, never mind. We've got Vince in the studio here. Vince brought this dispute to us. And Vince, introduce your fellow disputant or your

debutant. I guess this would be where I would talk. Yeah, so I'm Vincent and this is Ryan, who I brought with me today. And we work together and take a lot of lunches, and that's where the dispute in question originated. Let me get this straight, please. Is it Vince or Vincent? That's up to you, man. Whoa.

Whoa. I'm going to say Vince. All right. Great. And your disputant Is Ryan Yes, Ryan And Pronounce Ryan

Yes Chris As a guest You'll be representing Ryan's side of this Dispute And Jordan You'll be representing Vince

Of course I will be serving as the bailiff Because of my powerful build And my question is Is it customary To have no idea what the dispute is about as a defense attorney? That is the custom, yes. Okay. And that is...

Not have been briefed. Yeah. You've been assigned as a public servant to this case. Just like the justice system. Yes, exactly, Seth. And just as in a traditional English courtroom, we are all wearing merkins. And using the C word, liberally. The court of the Honorable Judge...

Oh, I accidentally put on a gherkin. Take that pickle off. No. The court of the Honorable Judge John Hodgman is now in session. Judge John Hodgman presiding. Wait, which guy am I arguing for? You're representing Vince. Okay.

Vince. Vince. Vince. Vince. Vince. Vince. Vince. Vince.

Vince. Vince. Vince brings the complaint. I would like to hear his side of the story, please. Okay, so here's how it all went down. Ryan and I were trying to decide... Please don't use slang. I'm very sorry. I'm terribly sorry.

We were trying to decide what to eat. Hearsay! Order, order, order. I'm sorry, Judge. The state of mind of the defendant cannot be assumed by the plaintiff. All right, let me explain this to you.

In order for this delightful radio segment to work. I don't... Okay, what? In order for this delightful radio segment to work, I need to hear what his complaint is. Oh, is this... I thought we were really... Okay, all right. So here's the complaint. We... I'll get right to the nitty-gritty of it.

I said no slang, but go on. Oh, sorry. I thought old-timey slang was okay. I believe that chili is not a soup, that chili is in the food category of its own, and my fellow brother-in-arms here, Ryan, believes that chili is in fact a soup. God damn it. I have to defend that? Yeah.

Yeah, right? First of all, Vince, let me commend you on the brevity of your presentation. Oh, thank you. You clearly are a person of principle, and you're just saying what you believe very succinctly, and I appreciate that. Ryan, let me hear your side of the story, please. Well, I have not heard any compelling arguments why chili should be thought of as its own genre of food. Can I ask Ryan to step into the microphone, please? Okay, I'm sorry.

Thank you, Rusty. Rusty, tell that man to step to the microphone, please. I've always just thought that if it comes in a bowl and it looks like a soup and it smells like a soup, it's a soup. And that's how I feel about chili. All right. Vince, may I just quickly ask, what sort of damages are you seeking?

I mean, why do either of you care about this? What does it stand for? That could be a whole other thing, actually, because we drive everyone... No, make it this thing. We basically drive everyone we know away from us whenever we're eating because inevitably, if there's a menu involved, we're going to look and see where chili is placed whether or not it's under soup or under

chili um and it's just been a living nightmare the past year because uh we can't make friends anymore so i think the only damages i would want is for ryan to admit that uh that chili is is uh chili so you can settle you want this dispute settled for once and for all so that you can go on about your lives and stop annoying everyone around you. Basically, yeah, that's about it. Because otherwise it'll just be the two of you left

in the world alone. Discussing the relative viscosity of Chili and how that stacks up in the soup department. I understand. All right. That's fine. Let me now turn to Mr. Hardwick, representative for the chili as soup. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Vinca, you say it is not a soup. Yes. It is sweet, generous. All right. Ryan, you say the chili is soup. Hardwick, let me hear what you have to say on this subject now that you've had an appropriate amount of time to prepare your case. Well, Your Honor, for the benefit of Your Honor who cannot see these gentlemen, Ryan is at least 50 percent Asian. At the very least. Asian community, anything, any food substance that is at least 30% more liquid and served

in a bowl is defined as a soup. So I feel that he is merely mirroring the ideas that were passed down to him from his ancestors and standing firm and not violating what he believes would be going against his cultural tapestry. I see. So it's a cultural relativist explanation. We're a very proud people. Yeah.

Okay. Like, as though it were the PC days, as though this were 1992. Correct. Very good. All right. Mr. Jordan, please speak on behalf of the chili as chili contingent. For the benefit of your honor, the guy who says chili is soup is 50 percent Asian and Asians are naturally deceptive and argumentative. So I feel that there is a cultural bias. I feel. Listen, here's the argument. Here's...

You mean after the racial slur? Yes. Now that I have slurred. Chris, I don't think you need to pull your eyes. I think that's really offensive. Do you guys have any tape? Or some eyeliner? Listen, guys. Me love you long time,

okay? I don't like where this is going? I don't like where this is going. I don't like where this is. Order, order, order. Sorry. So the argument was... By the way, this is the most crypto-racist Judge John Hodgman segment ever. I don't know how crypto it is.

And soupist. It's better than our crypto-zoological one. All right, yes, very good. We can get to that later now. So you were saying you were also using a cultural relativist argument? Yes. If I was hearing the argument correctly. Which is basically to say that

because Asian people do not know how to drive, they can't tell. I implied that. I mean, yes. I see. That's terrible. Also karate. You heard that. I mean, yes. I see. That's terrible. Also karate. If I was hearing the argument correctly, it was... Wait a minute.

All right, go ahead. Finish your bit there. Oh, no. The bit's over. I was actually going to actually argue now, which is in itself a bit, like this whole thing is. What is Vince's... Mr. Vince, what is your ethnic background? Oh, I am Mexican.

More than 50%. That explains the chili. I don't think that explains anything. I think if he was really Mexican, he'd realize that chili con carne would be the appropriate name for said dish. Now, let me interject here.

As the bailiff, it's a point of information. Vince, are you Mexican or Tex-Mexican? I'm from California, but I'm pretty bad Mexican. I don't speak Spanish. I see. Okay. I look more Persian, so imagine that. You look more Persian?

Yes. Yeah, I know that doesn't exist anymore. Vincent, as your attorney, I'm advising you to stop listening. It's a very common adjective for describing people that you can't see. Of course it exists. Oh, you know that Persian-looking fellow? Sure. Oh, you know the one with the Persian features?

Again, point of information. When he says that he looks Persian, he means that he has long, flowing white hair covering every inch of his body. Does he look like Jake Gyllenhaal in Prince of Persia? Yes, Prince of Persia. I look exactly like that, but with way less abs. Thank you, Vincent, for keeping it racist. Now, you were going to say something? Yeah. I was saying if I was hearing the argument correctly, it was that if it is served in a bowl and smells like soup, then it's probably soup.

And it has a large liquid constitution. Sure. Wait a minute. Hardwick, are you making Jordan's case for him? No, I'm arguing against him. No, no. He really is a public defender, isn't he? Yeah.

Hey. Zing. Regular John Larroquette. If it's served in a bowl – Yeah. I guess what I would have to ask, just to understand your argument, is what is it about chili that makes it unique and set apart from the soup classification specifically. I just think it's a heartier meal, and the manner in which you eat it is much more festive than the way you would eat soup.

There are chili cook-offs. I would step in and argue and say that Chunky, the soup that eats like a meal, is exceedingly hearty but still in the soup aisle. But it's not nearly as viscous or magma-like as chili is. But it's still soup. You wouldn't put chunky soup on a burger. I'll eat it. Yeah, thank you.

Thank you, exactly. All right. I'm so sorry. I'm just saying this is the... You would, though. Order, order, order, order. I think with the audible gasp. Order, order, order, order. I think with the audible gasp in the courtroom that arose after Vince's rather impeccable rhetorical flourish,

can you put it on a burger? I think I am ready to retire to my chambers and come to my decision. The court is out of session while the judge retires to his chambers. Jesse DeBellis? Jesse DeBellis? Yes, sir. I'm back because it was an easy decision. The judge is prepared to render his judgment. Do all parties acknowledge that this judgment is final?

I would like a closing statement. Incorrect. No. Denied. Who requests a closing statement? Ryan. Ryan. Ryan, you know what I would say?

Just relax, my friend. Okay. Don't push this too hard. Okay. You've already tested this court's patience. I'm sorry, you're... And I am inclined to rule

in neither of your favor. Yay! We all lose! Oh, God. I am going to split this baby in half. Wow. So that neither of you

can enjoy it. Because the truth is... Just like Jesus. Chili is not... Chili is not a soup primarily because of the time it takes to cook it. It is a stew. I don't know about the stew one.

Do not talk to the judge. I will tase you. First of all, let me just say that chili is not a Mexican invention. It is a Texan invention. And, of course, the famous bowl of red that was first developed and identified as chile was actually involved no beans or no tomatoes. It was merely broth and meat simmered with ground chilies, dried ground chilies. And then those other things were added later. The distinctive thing of chili, of course,

is that unlike a soup, which can be cooked for a long time or made very, very quickly, chili itself must be braised over many, many, the meat must be braised over many, many, many hours for it to be tenderized. And when you are braising meat over many, many, many hours to the point of viscosity, that is what qualifies it as stew. I wish that I could rule wholly in Mr. Vince's favor because I agree quite strongly that chili is not soup of any kind. However, I do not wholly agree, because I do not believe that chili defines its own category of foodstuff. It is a stew, although a kind of subcategory of stew that has its own weird culture, lingo,

and horrible, weird cook-off. But nonetheless, it is a stew. So I guess technically I am ruling in Mr. Vince's favor, but I would say I am offering you guys this meaty olive branch, as it were, to shake hands, admit that neither of you are absolutely correct, and the reality is we're talking about stew here. No justice, no peace. No justice, no peace.

Where the soup is at? I am also chanting. Vincei, Ryan, do you accept this judgment? Next week I'd like to bring up the fact that I think stew is soup. Uh-oh. That sounds like an appeal. That was Ryan. Ryan wants to appeal.

I would remand Ryan to the nearest mental institution. Because basically what he is saying now is that all language is meaningless. And that is why I know my disagreement with that could not be more profound. And it is precisely why I no longer teach comparative literature at Yale. But that is for another story. No, I have ruled chili is a stew. It is certainly not a soup. Neither of

you are exactly correct. But you need to get over this and start arguing about sandwiches. We actually have an argument about sandwiches. We shall save that for next time. I shall be happy to hear it. Judgment has been rendered. Court is dismissed. Tough but fair. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chris Hardwick, carbon-based life form. Chris, as always, just, I don't understand. I feel like, sometimes you feel like you've been blessed. Blessed. Like when you see the first two Robins of Spring?

Sure. Look, I don't know about you guys, but I've met... Committing the first domestic abuse of Spring? I don't know about you guys, but I've met Archbishop Desmond Tutu. He leads something called the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa. His goal is to resolve through nonviolence a nightmarish conflict that has destroyed the cultural fabric of a nation over the course of hundreds of years, literally hundreds of years. And when I met him, I felt a certain eminence emitting from him a phantom of goodwill, if you will.

A dense phantom? I thought I would never feel that again until you, Chris Hardwick, stepped into this studio to record this podcast with us. You're not the first person to make that extended metaphor. Sure, so you know what it's like. I do.

Chris, we talked about your podcast. You're not only doing your podcast in, let's say, Drew Carey's house, for example. Right. You're going to take it to the stage. Yes. We're starting a monthly show at Largo in Los Angeles. Largo's a nice spot. Largo's a nice spot.

And we're going to do the podcast live at Largo. And our first guest will be Adam Savage of Mythbusters. Wow. And that's going to be April 5th at Largo. So if you go to my website, nerdist.com, you will see details. Adam Savage is the one that doesn't wear the beret, correct?

He does not wear the beret. I know my Mythbusters. That's Jamie. Adam wears the glasses. The other guy that wears the glasses i find the other guy that was i find jamie very comforting because he is a guy who is on television but also looks like he could not live in any other city other than my hometown of san francisco and what's great about him is that people have started um dressing like him like he has what i love about jamie is and what i mean i love both those guys,

but as a performer, I look at Jamie and I'm like, God damn it, why don't I have a distinctive look? Like, you know, like it's such... As a performer, if you have a distinctive look, you are so far ahead of the game

because so much of what you're saying is said without words. Yeah. And I don't have that. I'm just a dude who wears the tron shirts but you do have a live show at largo with it which that's largo-la.com that's right mistaken if people want to find out and then i don't know if you i i'm going to take a guess that you have fans in the seattle uh seattle washington seattle wa emerald city that's the one

a very smart uh hip town. Old Space Needle. The old Space Needle. I'm going to be doing a show there April 10th at the Showbox at the Market with Mike Furman. We're going to be doing that. We're both going to do some stand-up and some music, and it's fun. Oh, that sounds fun. I would really love your listeners to come because you have cool listeners. We do have the coolest listeners.

I want nice, fun people to come. No offense to your listeners. No, no, no. But they're real shitballs. Well, listen, I'm glad we're here talking about this on your podcast. Yeah. So it sounds to me... Oh, sorry.

I'm going to tell a Mythbusters thing. Let me say this one more thing to get people to go to this show. Oh, sure. Because last week, here's the thing. Last week, Chris Fairbanks was here, our good friend Chris Fairbanks. We talked a lot about how great his album is. I got a lot of emails from very, very happy customers of Chris Fairbanks' album talked a lot about how great his album is. I got a lot of emails from very, very happy customers of Chris Fairbanks' album.

And they should be. He's amazing. Chris Fairbanks is great. One of the best, right? So hilarious. People bought his album. They were delighted. They couldn't have been happier about their decision.

I feel like that's how people are going to feel if they live in L.A. and they go out to this Largo show or they live in Seattle and they head out to the, what's this thing called? The music box? The show box.

The show box. And there's two. Ours is the show box at the market uh so let me ask you this this is what i'm thinking chris i hear that you're there i hear that the hilarious and wonderful mike firman is there one of the best people in the world so nice there's no doubt about that and fantastically hilarious and i hear that you're both going to be performing stand-up comedies yes but i heard music as well there might be a couple Hard and Firm songs in there. Hard and Firm. Wow.

This sounds like three for the price of two. It really is three shows for the price of two shows. That's spectacular, Chris. Which is a good bargain. That's one more show than you would have gotten. An extra show. Jordan. A slightly extra show.

I'm sorry. You wanted to talk about Mythbusters. Oh, I just one time. You talk about Mythbusters, and while want to talk about mythbusters and while you do it i'll just say nerd under my breath uh this one time i made a twitter about how uh how hot the lady mythbuster is carrie byron yeah and then everybody just added me back you know she's pregnant to like make me seem like some sort of weird pregnant fetishist i didn't know that i'm watching it on nextflix on demand right okay and what's wrong with – that's almost like they're saying pregnant people are ugly.

Yeah. She's glowing, and I'm attracted to that glow. She's a very pretty pregnant lady as well. Sure. Yes. We all actually – I'm glad that you mentioned Twitter because the one thing that I do want to make sure to say is that as this goes out, you can preorder Night of 140 tweets at Amazon.com slash 140 tweets. Jordan and I were there live in person. It was the most amazing experience of my life, certainly.

Jordan, you were pretty wasted, so I don't know. Oh, yeah. I got way too drunk to remember it. I was out of town, so I sent in my tweet via video. Oh, but you looked great. Hey. You looked fantastic. So they did show it. The camera loves you. Oh, but you looked great. Hey. You looked fantastic. So they did show it.

The camera loves you. Oh, good. This is what this was. Our pals Paul Scheer and Rob Hubel, both of whom have been guests here on Jordan, Jesse, Go, along with the Ben Stiller organization. He's running an organization. They help him develop new funny faces to make

for the next Zoolander film. These guys have teamed up to bring together 140 of the most amazing Twitterers, or technically 138 of the most amazing Twitterers, plus me and Jordan. And we all went to this show at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. We each did one tweet in succession. And there was like all the Reno 911 and the state folks were there. You're Michael Ian Blacks. You're Tom Lennons.

Will Ferrell. Will Ferrell was there. Ben Stiller was there and the state folks were there. Your Michael Ian Blacks, your Tom Lennons. Will Ferrell. Will Ferrell was there. Ben Stiller was there. There were porn stars there. Demi Moore. Ashton Kutcher was there. The Kutch. Dane Cook made an appearance on the UCB stage.

I'm curious. Did his skin start to burn when he walked into the UCB? That's what I wondered. He certainly got some, like, flecks of white on his fingernails. Like holding a vampire in this, or like an alien nation holding Mandy Patinkin in seawater. It was really an amazing thing to be a part of. Rich Sommer, the very funny cast member of Mad Men, made probably the tweet of the night, which I understand was contributed to by Harris Whittles, the very funny Harris Whittles, which was he went up completely nude

and tweeted something to the effect of, or said into the microphone in the form of a tweet, something to the effect of, had a bizarre dream. I was completely naked in front of several hundred people. Also, at Weird Al Yankovic was there. Strangest part, at Al Yankovic was there. Strangest part at Al Yankovic was there. That's fantastic.

And I saw the pictures of that. He was basically just cupping his junk in his hand. Yeah, you could see the side of his junk. Well, it sounds like you were studying very closely. Oh, yeah, I'm a big gay. So Amazon.com slash 140 tweets. You can preorder either the DVD or the video, and all of the money from it goes to charity.

It all goes to earthquake relief in Haiti. They're building schools in Haiti. It's the Stiller Strong. It is a phenomenal idea and so minimal. I mean, like everyone put in, you know, like showing up and doing a tweet. How hard is that? I got a lot more out of it than I put into it. And yet, you know, I'm sure this is going to make a shitload of money.

Yeah, it's like a $3 affair. It's well worth it, I would say.. And yet, you know, I'm sure this is going to make a shitload of money for... Yeah, it's like a $3 affair. It's well worth it, I would say. It's a really magical thing. Amazon.com slash 140 tweets. And of course, we're online at MaximumFun.org. You can check out Nerdist.com for all of Chris Hardwick's great material, including links to those shows that we

were just plugging. And I don't want people to forget to give us a call at 206-984-4FUN if something momentous happens to them, or if they just have a quip, a fun story, a question for us. And also the hat contest drawing to a close. At the end of the month, you only have

until the end of the month to enter the hat contest. You can email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org We've had some really nice submissions lately. I'm really excited about the way the hat contest is going. I'm not going to spoil anything, but I'm feeling good about it.

And we'll be back next week. Wait, before we go, I'm going to call up and talk about my momentous occasion, which was the time I was on Jordan Jesse Go in March of 2010. Yeah. Class act. time I was on Jordan Jesse Go in March of 2010. Yeah. Class act.

I would say he's sort of the Dave Holmes of people who aren't Dave Holmes. Sure. We'll be back. I get that all the time. We'll be back in just in a week on Jordan Jesse Go.