Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 133: Con Games (iPod Video)

Episode Date: May 18, 2010

A special video episode, recorded live at MaxFunCon and featuring special guests Maria Bamford, John Hodgman and Spiderman.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is Jordan, Jesse, Go! I don't mean to start the show sort of like with a serious question, but has anybody seen Jordan? For real. I was hoping he was, honestly, I was hoping he was out here

because I was backstage and I didn't see him back there. I guess I was kind of counting on him to show up for this. Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can. He's the one, baby, fly. Can't you see? It's just like fly. Look out. Here comes the Spider-Man. If you're strong, you can fly.

Yeah, baby. There you go. That's me. Yeah. Oh, it's me! Max FunCon! Are you serious, Troy? Yeah. You said you had a great opening bit.

The great opening bit was you coming out in a Spider-Man costume? Yes, Jesse, this is a con. I've been reading up on cons on Bing, and, uh... This is what you do? I don't know, where's your superhero outfit? Jordan, this is my event. I feel like I know how you're supposed to dress in an event like this. It's sweet. Really? Huh. So it's not superhero outfits. Wait, did you say you were wearing a superhero outfit because it was a con?

Yeah, yeah. Con, Max Fun, con. No, look, you've been to like WonderCon or something like that. Yeah, yeah. And that's what's making you think that. Sure. Look out in the audience right now. Do you see anyone dressed up as anything do you see any sexy layers I

thought I did but no that's because this isn't that kind of con not all cons are exactly the same Jordan huh I thought all the dudes were wearing Scott Pilgrim outfits thought it was there was mania for the new movie coming up Jordan, what I'm concerned about honestly, is that you may have a fundamental misunderstanding of the nature of this event I hope I don't faux pas further

I'm feeling a little silly right now so yeah maybe I should just run down do you want to talk I know I kind of pulled a boner with this whole Spider-Man thing So yeah, maybe I should just run down. Do you want to talk? Tell me, okay, how about this? Okay, I know I kind of pulled a boner with this whole Spider-Man thing, but I'm pretty sure I have a good grasp on what else goes on at a con. I feel like I'm not so sure about that.

I'm not as sure as you are. Okay. Do you want to talk about this? Yeah, no, here, I'll just, sorry guys. Give me, since you were the con master, rather than me, who put this whole thing on, why don't you tell me a little bit about what everyone does at cons? Oh, sure. Okay.

Yeah, sorry, we'll just get this out of the way now. So, okay, as everyone knows, at cons, animals can talk, and they're trying to steal your money with card games. Right? I don't think that happens at cons, Jordan. Where did you hear that animals can talk at cons? I don't think that happens at cons, Jordan. Where did you hear that animals can talk at cons? I don't know. Where'd you hear about the oil spill? It's just in the zeitgeist.

Just out there. I don't know. Newsweek. Newsweek. What do you think about that? I disbelieve, frankly. Okay, what else? Alright, well, everybody knows at a con, if you find a dead squirrel, you have to desecrate the body. Desecrate the body?

Yeah, like... What is this, the French and Indian War? No, you chop off its head, or if it's two dead squirrels, you make it look like they're humping. Just desecrate the body, so the ghost doesn't try and steal your money with card games. Con! We're at a con. There are so many gross... I wanted to say misinterpretations,

but I don't know what you could have started with that would have gotten you to ghosts of squirrels that are fucking. First of all, you make it look like they're fucking, so they're... Never mind. Is there more of this?

There's going to be a corncob contest, though. I don't even know. What is a corncob contest? I don't know. It's your thing. What else? You tell me. What else? Captain Khan. You have to learn to operate a cotton gin.

Jordan. What? Why would you... To separate the seeds from the cotton. And to put an end to slavery. We're at a con. Jordan, this is seriously a fucked up thing that you have going on in your head. We gotta do some gay stuff, though, right?

No! Well, I'm two steps ahead for whatever that is. It's not a con. I would like to know what it is I've been preparing for. Jordan, this is a... I feel like this whole show has now gotten off to the most horrible foot it possibly could have. Oh, yeah. And it also makes me feel like this whole show has now gotten off to the most horrible foot it possibly could have. Oh, yeah.

And it also makes me feel like we should have planned more things to do in this show. Yeah. I have nine more misconceptions. I mean, that was the cream of the crop. You know what, Mel Brooks... But I've got some dumb ones. You know what Mel Brooks always says?

When it comes to comedy, more is better. Sure, exactly. You start with the good ones, then you move to the dumb ones. This is our second Max Fun Con. Yes, it is. I feel like this one may be even better than the first one. I think it has, yes.

The weather outside is spectacular. Beautiful weather. I feel like we've overcome my number one objection to Max FunCon. And granted, I'm the mastermind of this operation. So I guess technically my number one... Yeah, you continue to object for some reason. Perhaps a personality defect. My number one objection would probably be $40,000 in credit card debt.

So I guess this would be my number two objection. Which is the sort of, I don't know how to say it, overpresence of nature and the natural world. Yeah, sure. All that majesty. I feel like... All that majesty's pissing you off, right? We've spent hundreds of years learning to defy God's will.

Sure. Why would we backslide willingly now? Yeah. We're crawling right up into God's lair where he can sneak up on us. I mean, we've all heard the story of Johnny Appleseed, right? Sure. That's a story about how we now have dominion over plants. We can keep them away from our population centers.

Sure. Jonah and the whale. We can trick a whale into being our house. Jonah and the whale. We can trick a whale into being our house. Just like we've tricked America into letting us live in it free of bee attacks. I don't like that.

America, she is a cruel mistress. Sure. Particularly in the area of bee attacks. I feel like it's really nice, don't you? Absolutely. It's nice to have all these people here. There's 200 people in this room. Absolutely.

And many of them are happy to see us. Yes. I like being in a place and coming to a performance where the biggest laugh of the day was gotten making a joke about someone's twitter handle this is this is an issue that came up for me i feel like a lot in planning this big event and it is um it's people saying to you well in this economy i feel like there are, what, maybe 4% of Americans now who are unemployed who weren't unemployed two years ago. Sure.

Four percent greater. So for those people, they can say anything they want. They can say, well, considering I don't have a job, those people are cool. Yeah. And they can pee in the street. Exactly. There are, I believe that's how the statutes are cool. Yeah. Okay? And they can pee in the street. Exactly. There are... I believe that's how the statutes are written. They ask for verification of employment. Yeah, what you do is you mail in a form or go down to the

office. You get a green stamp, which you apply to your genitals. And then if someone sees you peeing in the streets, they give you what's called a friendship pass. I feel like at this point, though, anything that goes wrong, people feel completely comfortable to blame it on the economy. Sure. People who, look, some people work in retail. You know what I mean? Maybe their margins are down and they had to lay off some people. They feel bad about it. But I don't know about you. My job is the same as it was a year ago. And I think 80% or 85% of Americans, that's the case. Right? And I feel like anything that goes wrong,

at this point, they'll blame it on the economy. Like, you'll get something back from the dry cleaner and it's missing a button. And they'll be like, oh, man, housing crisis. That's why they're going to say, Robin Hood remake bombed. His economy. No one wants to see a Robin Hood movie.

Isn't that a beautiful moment in the history of Hollywood? They're like, you know, we need a Robin Hood movie because of their spectacular track record. Sure. Okay, wait, wait, hold on. If there's one man with the suavity and savoir faire track record. Sure. Okay, uh, okay, wait, wait, hold on, let's, let's just, let's pause, pause, pause.

If there's one man with the suavity and savoir faire to carry off the role of Robin Hood. Uh, yes, it's ol' bellhop puncher. Rob from the rich, give to the poor, punch him in their face. Um, well, okay, this is... Didn't he, like, kick his mom in the shins or something? I don't know. He drove a car into her house, certainly. The shins kick is up for debate.

Was the Kevin Costner, Bryan Adams, Robin Hood movie... Was that... Is that considered a failure? Well, it was one of their more successful collaborations, certainly, Costner and Adams. Yeah. Isn't that a failure am i mistaken in thinking that's a failure because yeah does anybody can anyone say for certain is that considered a failure yes yes i think it is i mean weren't there weren't there more than one wasn't there more than one robin hood movie out at the same time as that robin hood movie weren't there two dueling robin

hood movies yeah you might be thinking of Armageddon and Deep Impact. You're confusing Robin Hood and asteroids. My wife's childhood favorite movie is the animated Disney version of Robin Hood. Yeah, every time I have a creepy conversation with someone about a cartoon character that they find

sexual, it's a lady in the Robin Hood box. Specifically, it's a lady in the Robin Hood Fox. Wait, specifically it's a lady in the Robin Hood Fox? I'm sure that- Like making out? No, no, every time I'm- Interstitial girl on girl? Is this the specific thing you're talking to these people about?

I am talking about that. No, it seems like there's a group of women who have kind of fostered a childhood crush on that animated Robin Hood, and they talk to you about it like it's normal. Well, I think it's sort of like, it's implemented. Not that I'm calling anyone's sexuality bizarre. Here's the thing. I mean, I like butts, so.

I feel like no matter what no matter what generation you're in you hold these Disney films that came out when you were 8 years old in just this intense reverence and for my father my father can tell me about the first time he saw you know

Peter Pan or something like that in the early 50s. And he can sort of legitimately say that to me. And I feel like for most periods of Disney history, and thus for most generations, you can comfortably admit to liking it. But, like, for me, it's like my revered childhood Disney movie

is the one that was about a dog Sherlock Holmes. Okay. You know what I mean? And that's how revered it is in American culture, is that I can't even remember what animal Sherlock Holmes was. All I can remember was that it was... You might be thinking of the great mouse detective. There you go.

Sure. I know that. Was he looking for mouses, or was he a mouse? Oh, he was a mouse and some sort of cheese. And it's all, like the only, I feel like the only saving grace, the only saving grace is that I know that there's a generation that's about to come to sort of adolescence and adulthood who loved Treasure Planet. Titan A.E.

Are there like kids who are like, oh, we were a Don Bluth house. They would not let us near the Disney ship because it was so commercial. We were just a Don Bluth house. Raise your hands. That was no one. I grew up loving Cool World.

Is that what it's called? Cool World? Yeah, I know what that is. Okay, Jordan, I feel like we should give you a moment of dignity given that you're wearing this Spider-Man costume. Maybe we should go backstage. You mean some more moments of dignity

in addition to the ones I've already been having. So me and Jordan... I'm prepared to wear this for the whole thing. Are you okay with that? Well, I still feel like we need a brief break, if you don't mind. Jordan and I... Okay. Thank you.

Jordan and I, of course, have the Maximum Fun Pledge Drive coming up. I'm sure most many of the people in here are members. And we figured we wanted to create something special for people who were donating. But then we thought, well, the people who came to MaxFunCon are all special as well. And so maybe we should share it with them as well. We also would really, really like even the faintest glimmer of approval from any of the three Riff Track

guys who are here. Yeah, I feel like, OK, we're about to show a public domain short that we joked over yeah are the riff tracks guys are you here if it's make a small sound okay I feel like this I feel like I'm about to read Sylvester Stallone my cliffhanger fanfiction or alternately masturbate in front of Sex King. Yeah, I should have stayed with the Cliff Hager thing. Well, without any further ado, shall we present to them? Yeah, I guess. Do you want me to actually get changed?

Are you bothered by the Spiderman thing? Well, it's a little bit uncomfortable for me. Sure. Although, frankly, I'm not dressed that much less silly than you are. There's a push and pull. Do you feel like I'm gonna be more uncomfortable outside of the outfit? Do you feel like your comfort level will... I have a question. When you say that you're thinking about taking off the outfit back there, I was suggesting that you put back on your other clothes that you were wearing earlier.

No, I would just come out in my Hulk undies. Well, listen, without any further ado, please enjoy our own joked over short film, Social Courtesy. Hello, home viewer. I'm Jesse Thorne. I'm Jordan Morris. We're interrupting this

exciting Jordan-Jesse-Go video presentation to remind you that with the broadcast, or I should say podcast of this Jordan, Jesse, go episode begins the Max Fund Drive for 2010. Every year, once a year, we ask you to pony up and support what we do here at MaximumFun.org. That means Jordan, Jesse, go. The Sound of Young America. Stop podcasting yourself. The Casper Hauser Comedy Podcast. Coil and Sharp.

Secret sex parties. All those things and nothing else. Just those things. Here's how it works. You give us a small donation every month automatically via PayPal. Be it $2 a month, $5 a month, $10 a month, $20 a month, or even if you'd like to join Jesse's Golden Eagles, $100 a month, or for $200 a month,

you get membership in Jordan's Platinum Angels. It's a very exclusive club with some benefits. Some benefits, including a free ticket to MaxFunCon. Absolutely. Here's what you can get if you decide to donate. If you give $5 a month, we'll give you a copy of our brand new exclusive, only to this pledge drive, DVD, The Sound of Young America Live in New York City. Now, Jordan.

Yes. When people hear that title, they'll probably think that this is just the Sound of Young America related content. I mean, I don't know if you got the Avatar DVD, Jesse. No special features. So this is a similar thing, right? No, absolutely not. This is chock full of special features. And some of them are Jordan Jesse Go specific special features.

Jordan, what would you say if I told you that this DVD contains not only hours of extra Sound of Young America interviews, in addition to the New York City show, which features Kumail Nanjiani, our friend Andrew W.K., music video director Rick Cordero, Scott Adsit from 30 Rock on the NBC network, but also two never-before-seen Jordan Jesse Go videos. First of all, you'll see all of the cut scenes from our video game, Jordan Jesse Game, which feature not only us, but also our pals John Hodgman and Andy Daly, and the Riff Trax short that we just cut away from in this very video. That's right. If you want to watch it, you've got to pony up $5 a month.

What was the question? I don't remember. MaximumFun.org's right. If you want to watch it, you got to pony up $5 a month. What was the question? I don't remember. MaximumFun.org slash donate. And do it now during the Maximum Fun Drive for awesome, awesome prizes. Some gags we wrote? Sure. I kept on the outfit. Jordan, you did, didn't you?

I had plenty of time to change. You want to introduce our guest? Yes, I would, please. Please welcome to the stage one of the funniest stand-up comics in America and one of the nicest ladies I know. And my co-star in a series of slurpy webisodes.

Maria Bamford. You gotta admit, Jordan, she's got star quality. She does. Wait, slurpee webisodes? Oh, you probably don't even know this. There was this series of Slurpee webisodes where you had to call in to find a Slurpee coupon. Yes, yes.

You were in one and you were funny as a crazy cat lady and I was in one that wasn't that funny where I was this stoner guy. See, I tried to find those on the intranet and I could not find them. Oh, they exist. Oh, okay.

Yours is very funny. Okay, really? Turned out okay? Yeah, yeah. I got there and they said, they said, the cat isn't trained. It was just like...

It was just a random cat? It was a random cat. And these Maria plays like a crazy cat lady and she's naming all of her cats. Anyways. It started out, like the description of the set was really funny. It was like random cat. And these Maria plays like a crazy cat lady and she's naming all of her cats. It started out, like the description of the set was really funny. It was like, oh, it's going to be

25 cats all over you and then it's going to be, and then turns out it's just one really mad cat. Like who they brought from home. Yeah, he doesn't really like other people. Is it possible that Cat Lady is like a sliding scale

based on number of cats going on one axis and then angriness of cat? So you can be a crazy Cat Lady if your one cat is super angry. Oh, I totally got scratched a couple times, and it was exciting. During mine, they call me in, they're like, we loved what you did in the audition,

we just want that. They even wrote some of my ad-libs into the script, and when I got in, they're like, we loved what you did in the audition, we just want that. They even wrote some of my ad-libs into the script, and when I got there, they're like, more like Jack Black. Think Jack Black. I'm like, I've never acted like Jack Black in my life. Why did you say, you've got the wrong guy. Did you do a cool strutting dance? Yeah, I sang surprisingly beautifully. No, not nice.

Yeah, I sang surprisingly beautifully. No, not nice. Jordan, this is actually something that I wanted to talk to you about because I know that you recently obtained a cat. Oh, yes, I did. I'm sure. So, yeah, I got a cat. We had pets as kids, but, you know, they were like outside pets and my parents were never...

No, that's not my cat. That's something Jesse's interested in. Spoiler! We're gonna talk about that pig some more. Anyway, so I... It's a nice landscape. Yeah, it is a nice landscape. How do you...

Jesse, there she is. Oh, come on! She is a nice landscape. How are you, uh, Jesse, there she is. Oh, come on. Uh, she's a little honey. She's daddy's

little baby. Um, no, and I, I'm just realizing what a fraternity the world

of cat people is. Jordan, I don't mean to burst your bubble, but it's a sorority. Okay. Fair enough.

Fair enough. Fair enough. What's up, dude? Where are you headed? There have been a lot of pills. Bought some sweet catnip toys. I heard they got some new catnip bunnies in over at the old Pet Zone. Want to smoke a bong load? Want to pull some rips?

Yeah, pull some rips, get some new scratching posts. Mark Maron, Mark Maron, he has some fancy face. He is. He's got quite a number of kitties. He rescued a litter of kitties at one point. No, I mean, I've heard he's in love with those babies. Yes, he calls his house the cat ranch, from what I understand.

I think I've got a pre-cat ranch situation going on. Really? Yeah. Have you started to build one of those roof-level obstacle course adventure tracks for the cat? I have opened up a whole foods bag for her to climb into. And for the longest time, I considered the stories of cat people about their cats

to me were long. I would say up there with my dream stories and my car accident stories. And that I understand this is so interesting to you but cat stories never involve

the cat catching a burglar or doing a flip. It's always like she jumped on the couch and looked at me like what's going on? She was oddly distant, but in my heart, I knew

she loved me. But now, I've only had her a couple of weeks and I am just like, me and cat people are just jiving. I'm telling stories about she gets in the bathtub because she likes drinking out of the faucet

I've got her a bowl of water, but she loves looking that faucet And I love people's cat stories now to where I am I'm compelled by What they were doing how they rolled over funny like I'm a minute. It's good stuff. It's tight Maria I know it's very tight. I know that like you that like you that you like, are a big dog fan. You have two dogs? But I can appreciate a kitty. You know, if they have a nice fat belly. And a nice face.

A face that's real nice. What are your pug's names? Blossom and Bertrand. Do you have other pug people? Is there like a camaraderie? Oh, yeah. I'm going to go to a nice pug out

in Pasadena. Pug out? I go to a... Oh, sure. The Pasadena pug out. I know what you're talking about. Sure.

It's a meet up. Might want to strike it out. We all know about the PPG. Sure. That's where you get wasted. I know I met a close friend adding friends and she... We met like three years ago and I met her because I'm sorry. Pause this just for a second. You close friend adding friends and we met like three years ago

I'm sorry, pause this just for a second you've been adding friends? adding friends, well because the last podcast oh I shouldn't talk about the last podcast but they were saying that I was adding friends you never lose friends, you just keep adding so I was referencing that which won't make any sense

to people so you're building up your list. I'm building up my list. And my friend had a pug, Violet. And I went up to her and I was like, ah, it's very bright. And I remember she tells this story over and over again that she didn't believe that I was a comedian and that I was just telling her a story.

Like I was just like kind of an odd character. Sure, and you tell lie stories. Sure. Like, I just spin false yarns for fun. I don't know. I have to work that out with her. Have you, Jordyn, have you, when we last spoke about this cat,

which was a week or two ago, you had yet to give it a name. Yes, no. She has a name now, but she did go unnamed for a long time. Her name is Bugs. She chases bugs. Yeah, yeah.

Bugs with a Z, Bugs with an S. Oh, S, but I, you know, I made a. She chases bugs. Bugs with a Z? Bugs with an S? Oh, S, but I made a mistake. I never thought to spell it with a Z. You're man enough to admit that. I'll ask for directions. I've been struggling to name her. Did you get a book of cat names?

No, I didn't. I should have. I'm sure those exist. Bugs with an S, bugs with a Z. It helps so much. They're right next to each other. It helps so much. And my...

I got her from a shelter so they had to call my landlord to make sure it was okay to have cats in the apartment. So my landlord knows about the cat. My landlord is... God, he's not the kind of guy who would have been a roadie

for Grateful Dead. He's a little too young for that, but maybe like Metallica? I don't know. Those are two roughly equivalent bands. No, no, but I contend that the people who would be roadies for those, like dudes, like, oh yeah, I was a roadie. He's been out in the sun a lot. Yes, yes. He's weathered basketball shorts at all times.

His name is RC. I don't know his last name. And I walked out, and he's like, hey, how's that cat working out? I'm like, oh, great. He's like, you haven't heard a name yet? I'm like, nope, I haven't. And then he suggested something

that's been kind of baffling to me, and I haven't been able to wrap my brain around it. So he's like, give him a cat and name him. No, not yet. He's like, hey, you should name her 420. And I've just kind of been obsessing about that lately. And what he like. Because her love makes me so high.

Yeah, right. I know. Her little dear snuggles. And I guess it was around 420 that he said that. It might have actually been 420. Does that make it less weird if it was actually on 420, I guess is my question. So you're saying if he was celebrating a holiday,

would it be less weird, or would it be more weird as if, for example, he had suggested that you name the cat Flag Day? Sure. I think if you smoke a lot he had suggested that you name the cat Flag Day? Sure. I think if you smoke a lot of pot, then you have jumps in logic. You know, where he was just already in a new subject. You know, he had had something happen in his brain in between you talk. Anyways, it all made sense.

He had stepped further to a new area. He said, wouldn't it be cool if other shit was called 420? Yeah. further to a new area. Wouldn't it be cool if other shit was called 420? Yeah. That is... He was confusing you with his bong. That is an element of your marijuana culture,

which is making everything a tribute to marijuana. You're like, oh yeah, this rules, and I'm gonna tell the world. They need to know. Yeah. Nobody would admit it before.

It's got the George Bush blinders on. Yeah. I feel like making George Bush jokes now is funnier, by the way. No one seems to think so. As referenced by that silence. But I think they're great. Can we talk about my new pet? Yes, we can, yes.

Maria, I know you've met my dog Coco before. My sweet pup Coco. How's Coco working out? Oh, she's doing fantastic. You should... You should name her... You should name her Coco. You should...

You know, she should... Shit. shit for real though for real yeah yeah um Maria I wanted I wanted to use these video projectors that we have here at this show to show you something that I think is probably one of the more magical moments in media history.

And I know that a lot of folks may have heard me talk a little bit about this, but they haven't experienced it directly. Sure, sure. So while I pull it up, you could sort of give an intro yeah yeah okay so Jesse doesn't watch regular TV watches antiques Roadshow and he became obsessed with this item on antiques Roadshow it's a a Hungarian pull toy shaped like a pig from like the the teens or the aughts or something. The 19 aughts.

And it's called Chompers and I think Jesse named it Chompers and this is its appearance on the Antiques Roadshow. And it looks like a monster that you see after you take LSD. you see after you take LSD. It is going to do something soon. Okay, fail, Jordan. No, no, no. I like your previous video about that guy who was preparing for a life of domestic violence.

Yes. That was really exciting to see how you can cover it when other people are around. Yeah, right? Sure. We understand that as a teen, you're murderous. Your father beat you, and you've seen that as an example. Now you want to be out in the world and get someone to marry you. Here's a few simple tricks.

Yeah. No, he seems really nice. Push down the rage. I know he shoved me in the past. And I found it in an antique junk shop and collectibles. That's jumpers. And I had to have it. Just couldn't resist. You found it in an antique junk shop and collectibles.

Which was a lot of money for me 25 years ago. But I thought to myself, it's really unique. Still probably a lot of money to pay for that. Object. I had never seen anything like it. The chompers. The titular chompers. In our business.

But sometimes you see something you've never seen before. And I must say, I've never seen this before. It's generically a pull toy. Generically speaking. Cast iron wheels and probably made in Germany. Probably made around 1895 to 1910. Most pull toys you see from Germany are like horses. They're about this big, little wooden platforms. Sometimes a lamb. Lambs are very popular. Goats are very, very popular. You seldom see pigs. And you seldom

see platform toys this big. So I mean, this is really exciting. Plus, you seldom find them so cute and so animated. So, push him over here. Wait. Oh, God! I mean, this guy is really a little charming. Glass eyes. It jumps!

It jumps! That's right. His name is Jumpers. If he took off the legs, it would be a horror blimp. Absolute charm. Oh, my God. My hunch is at auction, this could easily bring $2,000 to $2,500. Yes!

Champion pig! I mean, I think he's just a winner. Is this the entire episode of Antiques Roadshow that we're going to watch? Jordan, I think we can both agree that this is some pig. Sure. Crunchy. I know what you're

thinking, Jordan. Oh, that the story would end there. But it didn't, because there's a gentleman, there are certain special people in the world. Sure. There's people... Barack Obama. People who bring magic into our lives. Sure. People like Andrew W.K. or like Maria Bamford.

Yes. Or like Sneege Glow from the MaximumFun.org forums. Sure. This gentleman, Sneege Glow, I don't know what he does in his day-to-day life, in his daily career. I think he's somewhere out in the audience, I think, maybe. But I don't know what his regular job is. I presume that it has short hours, given what I'm

about to reveal. I got this box in the mail. I got this box in the mail a little while ago. Don't worry, it's not open yet. It's just a big box. There's nothing to see. People who are standing up to see in the back. And I had no idea what was going to be in it.

I thought it might be like T-shirts, because we get a big box full of T-shirts for the Sound of Young America or something like that. Could be a human head. I opened this thing up. Gasp. Oh. I open this thing up gasp oh oh oh

it's a more wonderful chompers it's a more beautiful chompers than chompers would dream to be. There are... There are probably people in the audience wondering, is this the original Chompers? Because of the verisimilitude.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. It's a match. It's a match. Oh, God. This is a sequel to Chompers. This is Chompers 2. Now, what are the differences between Chompers 1 and Chompers 2? Rough coat, smooth coat.

Very good. Okay. Someone spent a lot of time with the children's page of the Sunday Funnies. Certainly there's that. Certainly this Chompers is perhaps a little bit more rotund than that chompers I would probably say that while this chompers is worth two to three thousand dollars at auction

this chompers is roughly worthless more or less it only has artistic or moral value because it's a physical manifestation of someone who really believes in something. Now, here's the thing.

You may remember that the original Chompers was a mechanical pull toy and the original Chompers made a sound when it was pulled. That was like eight seconds ago, sure. It turns out that this Chompers is a pull toy as well now I haven't I am concerned that I may have left it on for the last several months

or last several weeks since I received it but here's the thing so what snitch cloud tells me mmm nice bluemanship is spectacular. The modeling. He's got the chompers down perfectly. It's a really spectacular display. It is less frightening, though. It is a sweeter chomper. Sure, it is. It's softer to the brain.

He's not trying to bore its way into my soul. He was unable to... It's just saying when my soul comes out of my body, it's going to beat it up. He was unable to replicate the exact sound that Chompers makes. Oh, it's not on, but look. Oh, it's a leathery tap. But what's truly amazing about it is if I can...

Roll him over here. He's durable, people. He's a very durable animal. Okay, I'm going to take off the belt around his neck. And somewhere here. It's a European pig belt. Okay.

It's so beautiful. It's very beautiful so this is what he did he couldn't isolate the sound of chompers from the video so instead he isolated my impression of chompers from a past Jordan Jesse Go episode, captured it

using some kind of ghost vial and transferred it into the papier-mâché body past Jordan Jesse Go episode, captured it using some kind of ghost vial, and transferred it into the papier-mâché body of Chompers 2. This is a display of craftsmanship like no one has ever seen before. A round of hearty applause for Snitch Glow. Yeah, Snitch Glow. There he is.

Look at that handsome man. Oh. Well turned out as well. He's excellent. He's good with a modeling kit. Sure. You know what I mean? He can make a mean teeth.

Well, Maria, thank you so much for coming up and being on the show with us. Thank you very much. I'm glad to thank you. Thank you. much for coming up and being on the show with us. Maria Bamford, ladies and gentlemen. The great Maria Bamford, one of the best. We actually have one more guest on the show.

One more bit, thing. You know, Jordan, we live in morally uncertain times. Don't I know it. And it's in times like these that we need, I don't want to say a god, but a sort of half-man, half-god who can provide moral clarity.

Maybe someone who can turn into a swan. Absolutely. I don't know. That's something from Greek mythology. Who can turn into a swan? One of those guys. Shit was going down in greek sure people were turning into all kinds of shit all the things i feel like every greek myth starts or ends with zeus fucking a beautiful woman and then turning her into a cow or something sure

like that was his system for controlling it um our uh our next guest is the kind of demigod who can bring a sense of black and white to our world of grays. Please welcome to the stage Judge John Hodgman. Bravo, sir. Bravo. Be seated. It's a pleasure to have you here, Judge Hodgman. Be seated. Spider-Man.

I'll give you $3,000 for that pig. I feel like I might be able to do better in an auction format. Can you vouch for its authenticity? Yes, that's an authentic Chompers 2. I'll be the auction guy. Never mind. $3,500. Judge Hodgman, it's a pleasure to have you here.

It's a pleasure and an honor to have you here. Oh, thank you very much. In your courtroom, I guess it is now. It's always good to be in my courtroom. We put out the call for a case for Judge John Hodgman to decide. For a dispute? Here at Max FunCon. And what I knew is, if you're looking for a dispute,

you want to look to a teenage daughter and her father. Oh, sure. A battle as old as time itself. Yes, indeed. Our complainant, Crystal Lynn Asher. She's the daughter of our friend Daryl Asher, a.k.a. Daryl in Montana. Sure. Crystal Lynn, why don't you come up here? The daughter of our friend Daryl Asher, a.k.a. Daryl in Montana. Sure.

Crystal, why don't you come up here? There's a microphone for you to use. Thank you for coming here, Crystal. Thank you for having me. Hello, Crystal, and thank you again for the eye drops earlier. You're welcome. Jordan, would you like to always go to the teenager for the eye drops? Jordan, would you like to represent... And for the Febreze, my dad would take away the car if he knew.

Now, this is a dispute between you and your father. Yes, it is. I find in favor of your father, case closed. Jordan, would you like to represent Crystal Lynn or Daryl? Sure, Daryl I'll take Daryl I'm with Crystal Lynn I have a fatherly aspect

to my personality and I'm great with teenage girls Crystal Lynn if I might question you for a moment what specifically is your complaint against your father Um, Crystal Lynn, if I might question you for a moment. Go ahead. What specifically is your complaint against your father, the so-called Daryl in Montana? Our complaint is on the basis of money. Oh, okay.

Okay. When he agrees to pay for something, I feel like it's okay to then refer to it as we have to pay for this, or it is our money in this case of he's agreed to pay for it such as school crystal and let's talk a little bit about the kinds of things that you're asking him to pay for you mentioned school school you're an enthusiastic student are you not yes you love to study and learn always would it be possible to study and learn. Always. Would it be possible to study and learn without tuition expense? No, not really.

Not for my major. I need a degree for my job. That's a good point. Ask what your major is. I'm a marketing major with an art studio minor. Very well. I'll see where this leads. Go on.

Crystal, where... Okay, so you're a teen, right? I'm 20, but close. Okay, you're teenish. 20 is a kind of teen. Sure. A post-teen. You, uh...

I'm sure you love, you know, Facebook. What? 20 is a tween. Oh, I'm sorry. You love Facebook and related social networkings. Objection, Your Honor. This is a valid line of questioning. All right, I go on Facebook on occasion.

I mostly follow comedians and stuff on there. I'm not on it to bitch about people. Objection withdrawn. She's not on there to bitch about people. I feel like that's a lie and you teens spend all your time on Facebook and you don't have a job. Objection!

The only teens this man knows are the ones he buys beer for in front of the 7-Eleven. Whoa, whoa! That is just so they'll think I'm cool. I don't want them to get drunk. Council is very energetic, but I still have no idea what the complaint is. So I would ask council to please refrain from speaking

while Kristen explains what the problem is, what the money problem is. Okay, so I work 16 and a half hours a week, which is squeezed in between classes. Sure. What do you do? I work at the Bird Lab. It's really nerdy. I do 16 and a half hours a week, which is squeezed in between classes. Sure. What do you do? I work at the bird lab. It's really nerdy.

I do research and data entry. At the what lab? The bird lab? Bird lab. You do experiments on birds. Kind of. We watch videotapes of birds. You tear them apart while they're alive.

Chrislyn. Chrislyn, would you characterize your work? You make them watch while you smash their eggs. Would you characterize your... What, really? Tearing them apart alive isn't worse than that? Okay.

Kristalyn, would you characterize your work as that of a studious young tween? Yes. And I work as much as I can. Certainly not

some bitchy Facebook user. No. Not at all. And so what's the problem exactly, Kristalyn? Okay. So I work as much as I can. My dad tells me... Step right up to the microphone.

My dad tells me that I need to pay for my expenses first until I pay for anything else, which I do. I'll be working almost full time this summer. He's made an agreement with me to let him know expenses before they come up so he can help pay for them. He says he can help as much as he can. That's quoting. And the summer bill comes up, and that's $800 for my summer tuition, which when I go up to him and tell him, hey, we need to pay this, he snaps at me and tells me, don't tell me what to do with my money, which is already an agreement he has made to pay for my school.

I feel like it's okay for me in an instance to where he said he would pay for it to refer to it as we need to pay or our money. Kristalyn, are you a child? No. But is this abuse? I would agree. I yield the floor. All right.

Is there anything you'd like to add to your complaint at this time? No, just that I try really hard. I've done my best to understand your strange teen lingo that you're talking about. But I think I understand the contours of your argument. So perhaps it's time to hear from your father. Please approach. Hello, Your Honor. You've heard the complaint from your daughter I'm sorry that it's come to this

but it's time for you now to respond to the complaint my response is I'm not a rich man but I'm a loving father who does his best objection your honor the witness is trying to be funny But I'm a loving father who does his best. Objection, Your Honor. The witness is trying to be funny.

And failing. That's the job of this fake pig. You're taking a job away from a good American fake pig. Do you understand the nature of the complaint? Yes, I understand the nature of the complaint. Please step to the mic because I'm an older person. She doesn't want me to complain when she refers to

my money as our money. Okay. Is that correct? Yes. Okay. Objection. Witness doesn't care about this. Do you...

So I guess I win because my guy is trying. Point of personal privilege, I have to pee. Do you stipulate to the fact that you do complain when she refers to, say, tuition? She says, we need to pay tuition, and then you do in a very quick, bitter, juvenile, small way, turn around and say... And I bitch about it on Facebook. There seems to be some role confusion.

Daryl, can I ask, is your daughter a social young lady? Yeah, she gets out a couple times a month. A couple of times a month? Interesting. Would you see that that's 20 or 30 times a month? Yes. So probably 30 times a month. About 30 or 40.

Really? Daryl, is this or is this not a familiar scene to you? You and your then sub-tweenaged daughter are sitting on the sofa in your family home. It's your weekly ritual, watching the Gilmore Girls. It's your weekly ritual, watching the Gilmore Girls. Something happens that is not quite, but almost, a joke. Instead of laughing, you nod knowingly. Let the record show that he is nodding knowingly.

That he nodded knowingly. Indeed. May I ask a question? You mentioned that you are not a wealthy man. No. Are you currently employed? Yes. Do you also torture birds?

Yes. No, she does. What is your profession, if I may ask? I work for the federal government. I see. Very good. And I do freelance web design. For the federal government? No. Well, no.

Okay. He does certain members of Congress' Facebook pages. Exactly. So not only do you... By the way, I really liked your Daryl Issa. Oh, good. His picture was like hot, but not too slutty. I don't know what Facebook is.

I'm prepared. I thought that red cup was a nice touch because who knows what's in there. Something party friendly, I'd imagine. Facebook pictures, but it's a congressman. Objection, your honor. The audience did not care for my joke. Perhaps you would prefer some four-square humor.

Are you guys more into that now? If counsel may refrain from quipping for a moment, I would like to say that I am prepared to make my judgment before this federal employee is caught by the Tea Party. I am a father myself of a human daughter. So as you could see, I reflexively wished to rule in your favor without even hearing the evidence.

And I would say in 99 out of 100 cases, that would be correct. But this is that rare 1% where I must find in favor of a daughter. Of the person who bribed you with Vizine. What? Objection, Your Honor. That is a valid criticism. I am happy to recuse myself from the case in which there shall be, you know, no judgment really shall be passed, no sentence shall be made that will be enforceable. But you will hear the truth since I think you know it already, sir.

When you have a child, by default, you enter into a kind of partnership with that child. I think it's a partnership that you respect insofar as you travel around the country together going to weird podcast conventions. You obviously enjoy each other's company. Oh, yeah.

Retroactive objection. What's up with that? Seems weird. You obviously enjoy each other's company. You share a friendship that many parents do not have with their children. Even though they may love them, they don't hang around with them on Facebook and bitch and moan about each other in virtual settings and that sort of thing. And you obviously feel comfortable spending the money to come here.

Your daughter is making, obviously a responsible mature person who, when she sees someone having allergic distress and irritated eyes, is willing to offer a perfect stranger Visine drops.

More important than that, she has her own source of income. She's very responsible. She has her own source of income. She's very responsible. She has her own source of income, tearing birds apart, which many a child would not. And indeed, you may note that she is only a studio art minor. Most children would be studio art majors. But she is responsible and is thinking ahead and thinking, what would my father probably prefer? I'm going to get a major in marketing and actually have a livelihood in the future. This is a relationship that you want to preserve.

While I appreciate your youthful appearance and your desire to hang around with children, both online and off. No argument. That does not give you an excuse to be juvenile. When your daughter says, we have to pay for this, you say, yes, we do. Because though you wish to be young, you are mortal. And that money will eventually be hers soon. And with the certainty of death,

we thank the Asher family, Judge John Hodgman, Maria Bamford. You look nice today. Where Jordan and Jesse go. Have fun at dinner. Good night. Thanks for watching our Jordan, Jesse, Go live episode from here in beautiful Lake Arrowhead, California, and Max Von Conn.

It was a pleasure to entertain you. Yes, it was. Thanks for looking at us. Now, Jordan, you work in commercial television. That's a service that you pay for every month, right, on cable? Absolutely. And also, that service also earns money by putting quite a number of television commercials in between the bits of entertainment, am I right?

Too many of them, I'd say. Do they do that once a year, or do they do that all the time? Oh, no, that is constantly. That's a constant. In contrast, how would you describe how we raise money to run Jordan, Jesse, Go? By exploiting people's kind hearts. And by exploiting, I mean depending on and thanking for. We've got a lot of amazing thank you gifts for those of you who support us.

At $5 a month, you can get a copy of our brand new exclusive DVD. $10 a month, and you can get a Jordan Jesse Go t-shirt, a Sound of Young America t-shirt, or a Stop Podcasting Yourself t-shirt, and the DVD. And for $20 a month, you can also prick a prize.

You can also pick a prize from our Jordan Jesse Go, Sound of Young America, MaximumFun.org, Stop Podcasting Yourself prize pool, which includes all kinds of really cool, awesome CDs and DVDs and books and all kinds of awesome stuff like that. So visit us online at MaximumFun.org slash donate. That's MaximumFun.org slash donate. And we'll also see you the evening of May 28th for Jordan Jesse Go Live, the livestream marathon extravaganza that will cap off our pledge drive. Yep, that's going to be good. We'll see you at MaximumFun.org slash donate and next week on Jordan Jesse Go.