Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 134: Bowling Tips with Gene O'Neill

Episode Date: May 23, 2010

Big Time Gene O'Neill joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about bowling strategy, London England and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddly, dumby, tw, go, we'll learn some amazing bowling secrets and all about

P. Diddy's soft, moist hands. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm big time Gene O'Neill. You know, Gene O'Neill has earned the right to introduce himself in the opening segment. A lot of other guests are not sure what to do.

Gene is here. He knows what the fuck is going on. Yeah, hit the ground running. Let's not dilly-dally at the top. I'm sick and tired of dilly-dalliers. Sure. Ten years, guys. Get right not dilly-dally at the top. I'm sick and tired of dilly-dalliers. Sure. Ten years, guys. Get right into the show.

Just right into the show. Nobody's wasting any time. Did you guys know that it has been ten years? No needless chatter. Anyway, weather outside is beautiful today. Sure. It's a Sunday, which in the Bible was God's day of rest. Did you guys know that we...

Here's Lady Gaga with singing. Did you guys know that we invented the sound of Young America 10 years ago? Today? Yes, 10 years ago today. Wow. Pretty good. It's been a very long day. Well, not we.

You and I did. Yeah. You and me and Matt Dobbs. Yeah, not we. You and I did. Yeah. You and me and Matt Dobbs. Yeah, and then Jordan usurped. I was a Johnny-come-lately. Yeah. You came literally two, three weeks into the operation. If the sound of Young America was Roseanne, I'm David.

Yeah, after the show had already taken off and it was a huge success. Yeah. Jordan jumped on the bandwagon. I just came in to reap the rewards. If you guys were a Hollywood child star, do you think that you would pursue further artistic pursuits or get out?

I think it depends on the success we've enjoyed. Let's say... I think the main factor with that is clearly if you're a Hollywood child star, you're cute. It's like, was puberty kind to you? I think that's the main thing. that is clearly if you're a Hollywood child star, you're cute. It's like, was puberty kind to you?

I think that's like the main thing is like, oh, do you continue to be cute or are you just some like weird goblin now? Let's get specific then, okay? Sure. Let's say you're the half man from Two and a Half Men. I don't know what his name is. I don't even know what his character's name is. Is that what it is? His real name and character name is John Fatso. Okay, let's say you're

that fella. I thought two and a half men was that John Cryer and Charlie Sheen are both so much man. Each one and a half. 1.25 men. The child doesn't actually exist. It's just like this familiar manifestation of their extra masculinity.

No one else can see it. Okay, so you're that kid. At one point, you were adorable, right? You were fucking really cute, I guess, and that's how you got cast. You were a little fat kid with glasses or whatever it is. Now you're, I don't know, how long has that show been on the air?

Five, six years? So he's got to be 15 or 16 years old. I think that's like a 10-year institution now is it really i think so has it been that long yeah okay so you're so you're in your mid-30s all right you're this kid you're twice divorced you're deciding whether you still want to be a child star well you could have here's the thing you could have a career right i mean that kid could probably work as an actor for the rest of his life he might have a shitty career like he might end up like going through periods where he you know is doing you know uh uh debt reduction commercials yeah he plays like uh an ironic

version of himself on entourage right but i mean i mean, I think you, the three of us are, you know, we're in show business to varying extents. Sure. And if someone offered any of us a debt reduction commercial, I think any of us would seriously consider accepting, right? Actors act, right? Yeah, exactly. Doesn't matter where it is.

It's a gig. If you're an artist like Eugene or like me, then you act. Now, if you're a dilettante like Jordan, you're just some TV guy who happens to go out on acting auditions. Sure. What I'm trying to say is me and Gene have roots in the theater. Oh, okay. The theater. Like you guys are craftsmen.

Yeah, absolutely. Sure. We're craftsmen, like a building with exposed beams. And a lot of built-ins. In all sincerity, which do you think you would choose? I'm keen to learn, because I heard something about this kid yesterday, and it made me... The two-and-a-half-men kid? The two-and-a-half-men kid.

And it made me wonder what choice I would make in that position. Doesn't the Malcolm in the Middle kid, doesn't he just race in the Monaco GP or something like that? Yeah, he totally took his money from that movie where he was a 14-year-old James Bond and put it all into exposed wheel racing cars. Sure, F1 racing. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I would hope I would have the self-awareness to see whether or not I was good. Let's pretend you don't.

Okay. Oh, yeah, I'm doing all kinds of crazy shit. I'm having a webisode. I'm being seen publicly with porn stars. Because here's the thing. I mean, I know that I quit acting when I was, you know, I went to acting school as a teen. But I quit acting because I had no, I didn't have enough of a burning desire to act to go through the just relentless humiliation that is trying to get a job as an actor let's be straight jesse acting quit you it's true hollywood wouldn't have me

i was too handsome that was a problem i was popping off the street you were so handsome it reads as ugly on camera. Yeah. But sincerely, you guys have not offered any answers at all to this question. Well, I'm sure I would just probably throw my life away on drugs anyway, so I hope I could have the Edward Furlong type career and still get cast as drug addicts. Right. Is that what Edward Furlong's up to these days? I think so, yeah. I think he still gets work as a burnout.

No, how about that? Well, that sounds like a decent plan. There's a part of me that wonders if I would have some other passion that I could use my three and two and a half man money to pursue. Probably not. Here's – I feel like when I first moved to L.A., like a kind of guy you see a lot in L.A. And I guess I'm sure other cities have permutations of this guy. But in L.A., it's the guy who's sitting at Starbucks with the laptop open to final draft. And he's there like at 2 o'clock on a Tuesday or something like that. And I always had

just like you know massive amounts of disdain for this kind of guy like look at him like look at you you okay you know fucking live it up now but later you'll be getting your commercial real estate license or something you know or or whatever or you just have you know you have your family money and you you know you can have some weird. I can't wait to laugh at your misery. Yeah. Right. Uh, but yeah, now, now I'm, uh, now just like, uh, now just like having, you know, having a job that's like, you know, a super ton of hours a week. And, you know, I feel a little bit like my non-job creative projects kind of fall by the wayside uh i feel like i'm looking at that guy with like a little bit of longing and envy now

like just sitting there in his like dragon t-shirt with his pumpkin macchiato yeah exactly just just with the leisure to just like sit around and be creative and uh it's 200 flip flops sure absolutely yeah so uh pumpkin macchiato is back yet i don't know what that is it's a seasonal thing yeah it's an autumn it's a seasonal drink it's three months away yeah time to take some pills just to wait uh so no i just has a giant wall calendar with a bunch of red x's through it hey and then there's two lines. There's a red one for pumpkin macchiato and a blue one for the McRib. Just freeze me and wake me up when it's back.

Yeah. So, no, I kind of, like, am starting to envy a little bit that, you know, luxury to just kind of sit around and pursue, like, a fancy. I think when you are a child star, you can do that. I don't think you have the self-regard that is required to make it through the part of that job where you're not getting anywhere and it's all a facade.

You know what I mean? I feel like those people, you're describing a situation where that person with the laptop open to final draft sitting at the expensive coffee shop. Oh, I know. I know. If you if you you probably I know I'm explaining this to like final draft is a screenwriting program. Yeah, it's a program that you use to write it to write screenplays. I feel like you're describing that person as though that person is sitting there doing that because they're successful in the field of screenplays. I feel like you're describing that person as though that person is sitting there doing that because they're successful in the field of screenwriting. Sure. I know that's not the case. Every time I see that person, I'm

more inclined to think that they're either not actually doing anything, or what they're doing is terrible. Well, there's obviously a terrible person. It's the kind of person that these people are buying they spend their real amount of time buying t-shirts at nordstrom's sure at the brass plum i would like well can i just say that girls department jesse i have someone

who has worked at nordstrom's sorry you're thinking of the rail sorry that's the hip men's department but i would like to think what i would be doing would be good i'm the guy at the're thinking of the rail. Sorry. That's the hip men's department. But I would like to think what I would be doing would be good. I'm the guy at the other end of the spectrum. I'm the guy who is persistently, tenuously employed, free to indulge his creative pursuits whenever he wants, and wishing I always had enough money to pester the Starbucks guy to check him back for any leftover pumpkin macchiato mix, or that I had money to shop at Nordstrom's. I think I'm wearing the same clothes I graduated in. You are wearing a graduation gown.

And you did come here in an open-wheeled race car. So we can tell that you are pursuing your passions. If you were pursuing it, do you guys feel like there is a passion in your life that you would actually pursue? If you're given the opportunity to pursue your passions like we have a buddy our buddy tyler from college uh who's been on this show who's been on jordan jesse go tyler uh won the amazing race won half a million dollars on the amazing race because he you know splits it with his buddy uh and you know that doesn't that only ends up being 250 000 or something after taxes yeah it's barely even worth it but he's he went ahead and spent you know five years pursuing his passions you know making documentary films

and paragliding and whatever making all who know them feel bad about their existence yeah um and you know so like he he had a passion to pursue and when i found out that he did that i was like god i have no idea what i would do if something like that. If I had the ability to pursue my passions, I certainly wouldn't want to do anything scary like jump off of a cliff or with a kite sail or whatever it is that Tyler does. You know what I mean? Yeah. You would just upgrade every facet of your life now just slightly. Yeah.

Evenly distribute that 250K. Yeah, exactly. I would move from Brioni to Badastoni. That would be my move in my sport coats. I would definitely buy a dining room table because I eat my breakfast off of the fold-out ironing board in my kitchen. That's pretty good. Yeah, so. You have a fold-out ironing board in my kitchen. That's pretty good. You have a fold-out ironing board? Well. I've never ironed on it. Talk about craftsman built-ins.

It saves a lot of space. No, like I like my job. My job is super fun and stuff like that. Yeah, I mean, I definitely have larger fancies to write a television show or a screenplay or something like that. I feel like the only passion that's really

reasonable to pursue is something that involves defying death. Right? I mean, if you're gonna be Defining death? Defying death. Oh, defying death. Sorry. So a dictionary. I was like, wow, this is gonna get really abstract. You know what I'm defying death, sorry. So a dictionary. I was like, wow, this is going to get really abstract. You know what I'm talking about.

You know how like Paul Newman or Steve McQueen or whatever are really into racing motorcycles. Looking your own mortality in the eye. Yeah, exactly. Waiting for it to blink. Yeah, exactly. Or like some kind of deep sea harpoon fishing. You know, like something really intense where there could be a shark at any time. Like that's the kind of shit that you can legitimately do if you're pursuing, you know, fucking climbing mountains, crossing Antarctica.

These are things that if people are like, well, he's independently wealthy, but he's really fucking up to something. Not like Richard Branson. Yeah, exactly. The Branson effect. Yeah, exactly. Building your own spaceship. That's the kind of thing that a person does who – and that's the kind of thing that I don't think I'm capable in any of those areas. I don't think there's a single single like uh credible thing that i could be doing with my millions of dollars if i became really rich i would just be going to furniture auctions or something yeah yeah so maybe it's uh so maybe it's best that you don't go back in time and

become a child actor and decide what to do with your millions you just idle them away yeah you idle them away at uh sotheby's Your VH1 special would have sucked. What did you read about the two and a half men kid that prompted this? I heard something. God, I'm trying to think of. Maybe I was listening to our buddy Al Madrigal on Never Not Funny. Maybe that's what it was. You were watching a two and a half men marathon?

Yeah. Maybe that's what it was. You were watching a two-and-a-half-man marathon? Yeah. Maybe I was watching a behind-the-scenes DVD about two-and-a-half-men. But somebody had said that he has basically made public that— You were watching the Behind the Laughs featurette? Yeah. He will continue to be on two-and-a-half-men as long as it continues to pay him a million dollars a year.

But at the end of that, he's just going to quit and go to college and just be normal. What a chump. You can't go back. Really? Yeah. Even though a guy that we knew in high school played young Pat in It's Pat the Movie.

Jesse, I know you live in Hollywood now, but I grew up in Hollywood, and I knew a few child actors growing up, and I know that you can't go back. For a while there, one of your younger brothers was a child actor. Has he resigned from the field? No, actually, he just made a glorious return in the form of a Totino's pizza commercial.

I feel like I see his Sour Patch commercial a lot. Yeah, he still hears about that. Bill O'Neill of Sour Patch Kids and Slim Jims fame. Ooh, somebody else has Slim Jims fame, Jordan. It's not just you. Yeah, right. Were you in a Slim Jims commercial? No, I almost did.

Or you're famous for eating a lot of Slim Jims. Yeah, I'm famous for smelling kind of like Slim Jims. No, you know, there was talk for – Like Slim Jims, he's well-known for his slightly oily surface. Sure. And association with early 90s professional wrestling. So there was – Fuel TV goes just crazy with the like you know sponsor driven content uh and kind of in the beginnings of that movement there was talk that i would have to snap into a slim jim before i did anything yeah uh so yeah well thankfully they were they were they were classy enough to nip that in

the bud but uh yeah you still got your lifetime supply of slim jims yeah sure i still got to hang out with randy macho man savage for an afternoon have we talked about talking about brand direction we talked about the nice man who sent us all the luna bars no a guy okay so you got oh i see how it is you got a crate of luna bars that was supposed to be for both of us and you've just been hoarding all the estrogen to yourself is this whole discussion been leading up to plugging Luna bars? No. Mark Marin from the great podcast

What the Fuck was talking to me at Max FunCon. He was so excited because he had a guy at Red Wing now. He talked about Red Wing boots on the show and somebody sent him some new Red Wing boots, which is nice. I mean, Red Wing boots are $250.

That's no joke. Those are a good thing? That's a high-quality boot. All right. That's a man in America. That's a tough boot. And he was, frankly, sort of bragging that he had a guy at Red Wing. Typical Marc Maron.

I know. Fucking Maron. Am I right? And, you know, that's fine. But what he doesn't know is that we've got a guy at Luna Bar. Oh, hello. Met him after a show. Met him after a show in San Francisco when we did Monsters.

Stolen a box of Luna Bars from the Ralphs. He's like, I could do this again. Just ask. I will do this again. Just mention me on the show. I'll steal whatever even a human um so we've got a friend at luna bar so if you guys need any luna bars our man at luna i need lots of luna bars he'll hook us up i tried to get him to sponsor jordan jesse go and uh he wouldn't he wouldn't go for that the best thing he could offer was free Luna Bars.

If there's one thing we know at Jordan Jesse Go, it's feminine health. Luna Bars are all just for ladies. It's like a power bar for ladies, right? Yeah, it's like estrogen in it. It is. No, there's no estrogen in it. No, Luna Bars are good. They do.

They taste good. Fine, I feel effeminate buying them, but it is a good power bar or whatever it is. I had this... Here's what happened. It doesn't make you grow breasts. I'm not... Yeah, it does. But it's worth it.

But then you can just take your shirt off and look at yourself in the mirror. Yeah. No need to bother with dating. Gene has made a hood for himself from Luna Bar rappers that he puts over his head when he's doing that particular activity sure um uh you know my my father-in-law is a big lunabar booster too now he lives in marine county uh so you know i feel like that's that's basically so you guys have something to finally bond over yeah like i feel like as sort of black-eyed peas are to you know the deep south

so so are luna bars to marin county california um but you know he works in a hardware store so he's got some credibility on the you know on the masculinity front and he loves a good luna bar sure yeah what's the uh gene as a luna bar eater what are what are the advantages to you know just like a tiger's milk bar or whatever the masculine well all of those i feel like every one of those like power bars like tastes like a swamp or they just don't taste good a luna bar is actually tasty okay like you eat it's like oh this is good to eat before i work out i guess but a luna bar is like a good snack it's kind of like it's like a kudos bar Just like a pomegranate Cosmo that you and your gal pals have before you go to see Sex and the City 2. Yeah, what of it?

Are we going to fight? Can I ask you guys a sincere question about Sex and the City 2? You guys have seen the billboards and posters for Sex and the City 2. Sure, where they're hanging out in some sort of diamond desert. Have you? That's what I want to know about. Why is it that, I mean, I guess Sex and the City, like a whole thing, is that it's very fashionable.

It's in a city? Oh, no, sorry. No, well, that's a good point as well. But then it's very fashionable, you know, that they're, I guess, you know, they're 50 years old now, and they were never really on the cutting edge But at least they're in the sort of Cutting edge of the mainstream But why do all their posters

Look like a Master P album cover? Like all they need is A couple of dogs up in one corner And a Bentley in the other corner And then it would just be A Silk the shaka album or maybe no limit top dog from snoop dog well i think the movie was going to be called i got the hookup too they're like oh that's confusing yeah but all the characters from sex in the city are

in this differently titled movie but it did have silk the shaka. So I think so. Is Silk the Shaka the one? One of those guys is Master P's brother, and he murdered someone and is in jail for life. Oh, man. You'd think that after your brother started, you know, I don't know if you guys have seen, like, the Little Romeo Cribs. But Master P has, like, gold ceilings. And, you know, like, Little Romeo, when he was like 13 had like a like a golf cart sized bentley and shit like that like you think once your brother gets to that point there's no need for murdering yeah right you're you're at the no murdering point you're little romeo was his son right yeah little romeo was his son and Who's the Lil' Bow Wow? Lil' Bow Wow is Lil' Romeo's arch enemy.

They're rivals. But Lil' Bow Wow is known as Bow Wow now, and Lil' Romeo is known as Romeo. Not so Lil' anymore. He's bigger. Huh. Not big. I wouldn't say big, but bigger than he was before. He's still very wiry.

And he's gross, Bert. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Well, all this and more coming up on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Wait, we have to do all this again? Verbatim? I wasn't paying attention. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go.

I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Big time, Gene O'Neill. You know what time of year it is, Jordan? A lot of people have been asking me, Jesse, what time of year is it? They're confused. You hang out around a lot of coma patients.

It's also an unseasonably cool spring, and a lot of my friends are very forgetful. Yeah, and if you don't have pumpkin macchiatos to tell you, you're screwed. It's pledge drive time, my friends. It's the Max Fun Drive. Oh. Oh, so that's why I'm here. Yeah, well, you're everyone's favorite guest. Yeah, right.

I don't hear from you guys for a year. Of course I hear from you when it's pledge week. You're like the four tenors. Yeah, we invite people over and then ask them for money. Will you personally donate, Gene? Gene, here's the thing. Is the pledge drive just to get me to donate? We're not even recording this.

These microphones aren't even plugged in. We made a list of past Jordan Jesse Go friends, and we ranked them by richness. You were at the top. Yikes. So we been plugged in. We made a list of past Jordan Jesse Go friends, and we ranked them by richness. You were at the top. Yikes. So we brought you in. We're like, is Gene still riding his bike from North Hollywood to Silver Lake? It's a pretty nice bike. It is a good bike.

You got a nice bike these days. I saw you got one of those smaller U-locks that's better for keeping people from stealing your bike. Yeah. That was like $30. That way people can't get a pry bar in there yeah is that what it is you can't get a pry bar in there uh i don't know what that is well you know like a you know the u-locks are they used to be like uh they used to be nine inches and now they're like six inches oh right right i'm talking about yeah and they're are you still talking about two and a half men jesse because i think you're mispronouncing John Cry-R. I don't know.

Jesus Christ. That was alright. It's better than my old security system of hiding my bike under a sweatshirt. Putting it in your shoe. Before it was asking for it. Yeah. We have our goal, Jordan, 1,000 new donors during this pledge drive.

Here's the reason why we're doing this. We're trying to pay people more. That's part of my goal. Jordan, hopefully you'll be paid more. Sure. We're talking about paying the Stop Podcasting Yourself guys more. We're talking about bringing on some newing yourself guys more uh we're talking about bringing on some new staff members i'd like to have some staff members yeah on the sound of

young america i'd probably pay in gene more to be here jesse would like his slipper bedroom slippers encrusted with diamonds um uh and uh we're we're well on our way i think we've fallen a little bit behind the pace uh we're not quite where i would like us to be but we're well on our way. I think we've fallen a little bit behind the pace. We're not quite where I would like us to be, but we're close. You may be anticipating a second wind. I think we're – I'm looking forward to a second wind, frankly, Jordan, especially because we're doing this. Gene, you're still going to come by for the Max Fun Marathon on Friday night, right? Oh, yeah, that's right.

I signed up for that a long time ago. And then proceeded to forget and make a bunch of other plans i figured i'd be dead by then so hey still time man still time you have a whole week to kill yourself listen i heard the mcrib might be coming back that might be your best damn it all right i'll be around um uh our goal 1,000 new donors. So far, we have 415 new donors with the donation from Joseph Weeger. Weezer? Weiser. Weiser? Cryer.

John Cryer. With the donation from John Cryer, that brought us to 415. We're about halfway through the pledge drive right now. And we're, what? What's that? 40% of the way there? So we're doing okay. I'm pretty happy.

We've got some good thank you gifts if people want to donate. But the real reason to donate, as far as I'm concerned, is the happy feeling you get when you listen to something that you supported. Sure. We got a lot of calls. I spent four hours yesterday listening to calls for Jordan, Jesse, and Co. And there were a lot of momentous occasion calls from people who had just donated,

and they were all about how glad they felt that they had supported something they liked. And not one of them was someone saying, I just donated and I still feel like shit. So it's unprecedented that that happens. So that's definitely not going to happen to you if you donate. Well, one guy had sold his shoes so that he could donate. And he was calling to say that the ground was spikier than he remembered.

To be fair, he does live in Porcupine Village. You can visit MaximumFun.org slash donate to give. MaximumFun.org slash donate. And it's easy. It's easy to do. Youumfund.org slash donate. And it's easy. It's easy to do. You don't even notice the money. It's a tiny, it's a small amount of money. Even if you're given $20 a month,

when it's coming automatically, it won't bother you the slightest when it goes. Maximumfund.org slash donate. Okay, we'll be back in just a second with more of Jordan and Jesse Go. Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Big time. Gene O'Neill. Great to have big time back, huh? Absolutely. Great to be back. Back and better than ever. Really? Yeah.

Is there a difference? Yeah, you've grown. You've been shitty in the past. Now you're a solid G. Just less worse than before. Yeah. You know what it is, Gene? I think there's pathos there. There's a little bit more supporting the jokes.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I didn't have that before, huh? You got a lot of heart. I only had bathos. Oh, gentlemen, I am... Do you guys... Do I look different to you at all? Do I look...

I don't know. More liberated? More free? You're not wearing any pants. I am living the bachelor lifestyle this weekend You do have sucker fishes all over you Oh man is the ball and chain out of town The old ball and chain's out of town

And you know what they say The cat is away The gander can play Cause that cat's not chasing him around anymore We said that before we started podcasting When the cat's not chasing him around anymore. We said that before we started podcasting. When the cat's away, the mice fuck. When the cat's away, the mice cheat on the cat who they're married to. It's an abusive relationship, to be fair.

So it's probably not immoral for them to cheat. So, I mean, I could that uh that your wife was out of town jesse when i came in because one of your netflix is 500 days of summer so seems like you're written all those movies that the wife is too square to like absolutely i've got i've got it all everything from sleepless in seattle to uh you know what what's that movie bringing up baby yep screwball comedies i love black old black and white movies my wife won't let me watch them to, what's that movie, Bringing Up Baby. Yep. Screwball comedies. I love old black and white movies.

My wife won't let me watch them. Court of Rocky Road. Absolutely. All for you. You notice that empty pint thing on my... Stomach. God damn it. Your descended belly.

I mean, so much ice cream. I've lost the power to words. Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good. I fried myself some chicken last night. Yeah. I said to myself. I know, right? Man, I can't wait until I get married

and my wife goes out of town. Yeah, you're going to fry chicken like there's no tamari. But I wonder if I'm missing anything. I have, my wife doesn't come home until about 8 50 this evening uh we're recording this around between 10 and noon in the morning um and i'm wondering if there's i wonder if there's things that i should be pursuing uh in that six hour window whether it be uh uh you know you know trying to fuck a stripper or rearranging all of her stuffed animals

in your bedroom the way you want them arranged tallest to smallest whatever frankly i want them genus. Teresa doesn't believe in evolution. She doesn't. She has them arranged two by two. And the dinosaurs are with the cavemen. The dinosaur stuffed animals are with the cavemen. They existed at the same time.

I don't know. It's kind of exciting i um uh i i but there's a there's a way in which when you are married you realize as soon as your other person goes like how much you've built your life around being married and the extent to which you i really like you know my wife left at one o'clock in the afternoon yesterday this is not a long trip and you haven't bathed since yeah like within four hours i was completely aimless had no idea what to do with myself like i went i took the dog on an extra long walk. Because you forgot where you lived. Those long walks your wife disapproves of so much.

I don't like you being out of the house for half an hour. I really, like, I really, like, didn't, like, I felt like I didn't know what to do. Like, I did laundry. Man, how have we gone this long without a whoops? Oh, yeah. That was good. Yeah, we should have. Like, I did laundry. Man, how have we gone this long without a whoops? Oh, yeah. That was good. Yeah, we should have. Like, I found myself doing... Hey, Jesse, when you're editing this, just insert some whip sounds.

Yeah. That degrade you. I found myself doing some chores that I wouldn't have otherwise done. Like, what kind of reaction is that to being alone? Just working, doing extra chores? Yeah, well, I don't know. Next time she leaves, plan something. What kind of thing should I plan?

Trip to Catalina. Yeah, a surprise party in her honor. For when she comes back and just spends the entire time she's gone planning it. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe I could... Make a list of entire time she's gone planning it. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe I could... Make a list of all the problems you had with her. Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. It's a good time for reflection is what you're saying. Yeah. And then write them on her mirror. Like how she doesn't shake up the mustard or something. So when you put the mustard on your ham sandwich, the mustard water... You get mustard water. Yeah.

Which drives you nuts. Yeah, because it makes your bread soggy. Yeah. Oh, that's a good idea. That's a great idea, actually. Okay, so I'll compile a list of grievances. And when she comes back, I'll give her a kiss and a little... Better to give her the list first.

Really? Then the kiss. Yeah. Just to let her know there's no hard feelings. You know the saying, Jesse. First the list, then the kiss yeah just to let her know there's no hard feelings you know the saying jesse first the list then the kiss then the tip when the goose gives the list the cat fucks the mice it's an old chant from uh the dark ages it has to do with... Jordan, I feel like your life has been no less upside down lately. It's been bananas.

Obviously, you're a member of the Jet Set. We all know that you're a member of the Jet Set. You fly hither and thither, fro and yawn. Sometimes yawn, yeah. Don't forget yawn. And when you're doing this, you're going to Tulsa.

You're going to Boulder. You're going to... Orlando, Florida. Corrales, New Mexico. Sure. Taos. Butte. Butte, Montana.

You've got many of the western states and even some of the southeastern states well covered. And you're often traveling, I mean, what, four days a week? Sure. But am I wrong in thinking that you've basically just been traveling continuously for like two weeks straight? Yeah, yeah. I have been gone a lot. And one thing that I did was I did the kind of the press events for this movie coming out called Get Him to the Greek. Sure.

Starring Jonah Hill. Sure. The movie establishing that now there is a forgetting Sarah Marshall verse. Can I ask you a question about Jonah Hill? You may. I've spent some time with the man. When you see a Jonah Hill movie, do you find yourself thinking that he's the luckiest man on earth? And I want to clarify this. not because he isn't talented because i think he is actually very talented and funny but because you think he's fat and ugly no but just because

he's a mood he's starring in movies like they're like most other talented funny people aren't starring in movies you know what i mean most of the people aren't starring in movies. You know what I mean? Most of the people who are starring in movies are like Paul Rudd, where he is talented and funny and very, very handsome in a very approachable way. Joni Hill, very normal looking guy who somehow and, you know, very funny. But he doesn't you know, he's not like he's not like making a scene like Jim Carrey or something. You know what I mean? Women don't want him and men don't want to be him necessarily. Men think he seems like a decent guy.

Men don't have anything against him. They like him generally, but they don't admire him. Right. Men wouldn't mind running into him. They like to shake his hand and say, I think it would be pretty cool. They like to shake his hand and say, hey think it would be pretty cool. They'd like to shake his hand and say,

hey, good work in those movies you've been in. I've enjoyed them. Mm-hmm. But, you know, it seems like he's sort of like a funny, genial,

mild-mannered guy. But he's the star of major motion pictures with P. Diddy. Yeah, sure. Who I've also got to meet recently. Really? Yeah. Do you look really glowy? Yeah, I shook his hand and it was covered in lotion. He had lotioned up recently.

Moisturizing is clearly important. Did you botch a multi-step handshake with him? I did, yeah. I just bailed after step two and then pretended like I was going to sleep. Jordan actually thinks that black people shake each other's hands by going to the regular shake your hand motion and then scratching the palm like an elementary school game of murder. Sure. And then yelling, we're black! Or going psych before slicking his hair back and walking off all cool. And then doing the Pee Wee Herman dance.

Just toot tequila. So get them to the Greek. The premise of this is Russell Brand and Jonah Hill. Russell Brand's the rock star from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. And then I really liked Forgetting Sarah Marshall, by the way. He's the rock. And then Jonah Hill is, if I remember correctly, he's the waiter from the restaurant in Hawaii.

Well, here's the thing that will be a point of contention on message boards everywhere, is that Russell Brand is his same character. Jonah Hill, different character. Really? Uh-huh. Is he like his twin, like in the City Slickers 2, the Legend of Pearls Gold? No.

Unless I missed something, they don't mention it. They don't mention. Too bad. He is not like, you look familiar. He's like, I don't know why. You know, there's no like. And he's like city folk. Yeah, sure.

I feel like. John Lovitz. I'm in this one. I feel like this is being... That's right. I feel like this is being discussed right now on forums, but because there aren't really any get-him-to-the-Greek forums to argue about this,

it's mostly just on regular forums where there's a built-in user group but not a lot of stuff to discuss anymore, like maybe a Farscape forum or a Starman forum. Sure. Yes. They occasionally will take a suggestion as to what might be the new topic of discussion. So is this – usually when you go to these things, it's either L.A. or New York, right?

Yeah, yeah. But this one, in this movie, it's Jonah Hill trying to get Russell Brand to go from London to L.A. And they stop at a bunch of colorful places along the way. Paris, Milan? London. They go to London, New York, Vegas, L.A. So they did little press stops in all of those cities, which was great. It was super fun. I had never been to London before.

So you did all of them? I did all of them, yeah. Now, here's the thing, because here's what perplexes me. Sure. Your job is to interview these movie stars. Yes. And a great job it is. You do a great job of it.

You make these hilarious segments for the Fuel TV. Sure. Thank you. Now, for the Fuel TV. Sure. Thank you. Now, movie stars live in Los Angeles. Yes. Which is where you also live. And these segments, generally speaking, not without exception, but generally speaking, are filmed in a hotel room in front of the poster for the movie. Yes.

room in front of the poster for the movie. Yes. So, why would you go to London, Paris, London, New York, and Las Vegas to film a segment with somebody in a hotel room in front of a poster for the movie? That's where the posters are. Yeah, right?

You know what it's caused? What do you know? FedExing a giant movie poster? Does Muhammad go to the mountain or does the mountain come to Muhammad? Well, kind of the idea was they just, they did them in interesting places. Like in London,

it was at Abbey Road. Okay. Oh man, did you cross the street? Oh yeah, I did. Like you have to wait, you have to fucking wait in line to cross that street.

Yeah, it's the most, but surprisingly, Abbey Road isn't just like a Beatles shit gift shop. It's like an actual functioning recording studio and there's not like, but surprisingly, Abbey Road isn't just like a Beatles shit gift shop. It's like an actual functioning recording studio, and there's not like, you know, Beatles shit everywhere, which is cool, I thought. And, yeah. There is a lot of John Denver shit. Yes, there's a lot of John Denver shit.

But he passed on in tragic circumstances, so I can understand that. Sure. Plus, he has that signature eyewear, so it's easy to make it an interior design theme. There's a build-your-own-airplane station. What were we talking about? Oh, why you would do that. No. Yeah, I think the idea is just to make it more interesting

than your typical sit-in-front-of-the-movie. I think that was kind of their idea, was that that sit-in-front-of-a-movie poster in a hotel room is pretty tired. Yeah. I feel like I've seen all I can see with the one set in L.A., but then you go to Vegas or London, who knows what's going to happen. It's sort of like when the Brady Bunch went to Hawaii. Oh, man.

Remember that? Oh, that was amazing. It's very good. So how long were you in? Had you ever been to London before? I had never been to London. And, yeah, I was there for maybe a total of two days. And, yeah, I was there for maybe a total of two days. And it was nice.

And one of those things was it wasn't a long trip, so I just kind of had time to do the touristy stuff. So you only had time to jack off, what, three, four times? Yeah. Well, I mean, yes. Yes. That's what I mean by touristy stuff. Right. And I got to watch Bill and Ted on British television, which was great.

Um, yeah. So, you know, I did like British museum. I imagined when you said that I sincerely imagined Bill and Ted having subtitles with a dub with, with dubbed vocals that are just Bill and Ted with an English accent. I didn't imagine it in my head as a joke. I imagined it in my head as the real thing. That's how it actually is. Yeah. Because British people don't understand non-British accents.

Instead of excellent, they say impeccable. And their air guitar just makes flute sounds. Yeah. Yeah. And their famous people just makes flute sounds. Yeah. Yeah. And their famous people have fucked up teeth. So, yeah. So I just kind of did the touristy stuff. I did like British Museum and, you know, your Buckingham Palace.

And then it was kind of time to go. But I did have kind of a night of you know pub hopping with one of the other reporters Jeremy from The Reels channel who's super awesome he's great he's my new buddy geez yeah hey you dropped some names all over the place let me help you pick them up yeah I know right oh here I got you Dave Chen

from slashfilm.com oh thanks sorry Dave I'll call you um uh so anyways um so and uh you know we we we got pretty pretty wasted in the day uh the day after he related to me uh something i yelled when we were out of uh when we were leaving we were leaving this pub that was particularly crowded he's like oh man it was hilarious when we were we were leaving this pub that was particularly crowded. He's like, oh, man, it was hilarious. We were leaving, and you couldn't get out, so you yelled. I can't get out, so I yelled, you need to let me out of here. I'm not from here.

Just like the ultimate obnoxious American. That's a wonderful moment. I think it's lovely that you went to London, England. Yeah, and you know those famous London phone booths? Sure. Checked off in one. Well, those on the inside are just covered with prostitute ads. Really?

Yeah. Almost even in like the nice Harrods part of London. They're just covered with like. In the Harrods district? Yes. They're just covered with really filthy prostitute ads. Wow. Is a filthy prostitute a big thing in England?

How clean was your prostitute? She smelled of lavender. And English breakfast. Beans. Pork and beans. Is a prostitute a thing? Did you check in with any English people about this? I didn't. Is a prostitute a thing? Did you check in with any English people about this? I did, but there's a remarkable amount of prostitute-based advertising. Okay, well, we'll probably get a decent explanation, I feel like, from someone in the audience, right?

If we put that out there, 206-984-4FUN. There's English people who listen to this show. Yeah, let's get some prostitute stories. Yeah, let's hear it. Amit no details we specifically want to know how expensive they are yeah just like we're headed to the idea yeah and does anything go yeah right can you kiss them that's what i want to know which which of the people involved in this film yes which one is which one was it the biggest experience for you to meet uh between russell brandon jonah hill and diddy he met oh right

right i also got to meet peggy from mad men oh that's pretty good is she in that movie she is that's cool isn't she married to fred armisen she is. That's pretty cool. Yeah, that's great. Fred Armisen was on The Sound of Young America one time. Just one of the nicest people that I've ever talked to in my life.

Sure. Almost disconcerting. Probably wanted something from you. Yeah. He wanted to appeal on my marginal public radio program.

Yeah. You did give him an evening with your wife, so. Fair enough. Yeah. But they just made a list of everything they hate about Jesse. Hello?

Is this the home of Teresa Thorne? I found the ad in the phone booth. The British phone booth. Diddy has a woman that follows him around with a stack of cell phones. And he just takes one, says something into it, hands it back to her, and takes another one and says something into it. Really? Yeah, yeah.

And they're like different brands of cell phones too, which is weird. There's like a couple of BlackBerrys and a couple of iPhones. Do you think they're color-coded in some way? I don't know. There didn't seem to be any organization to it. We got to revisit our what would we do with our millions of dollars conversation. Oh, you know what I think? How about a woman following me around with a box of cell phones?

You know what I think? You know what I think? You know how I think he organizes his cell phones? By astrological sign. So like if you're a Taurus, you call the Taurus number. Sure. And his business card just probably has the symbols on the back with the numbers for each of the phones. That seems like the simplest way to do that.

It's straightforward. I mean, there probably are other ways to do it that might technically be more efficient if you were a professional administrator or something, but I'm not. Maybe each phone is one number. Like one phone is the one and each phone is one number. Like one phone is the one and another phone is the two. How come if everybody just dials one number on their phone it doesn't automatically call Pup Daddy?

You have to dial all the numbers on one phone? Yeah. That's a mortifying moment. You know, it seems like a weird piece of stunt casting to put Diddy in this, but he's good in it. He's really funny. Really?

Yeah. Because everyone had said that he was good and funny in it. That was the buzz from the set, if you recall. That was the big thing that all the guys were talking about, how funny Diddy is in it. That is true. I had watched the trailer for the film and thought, wow, Diddy seems like he's awful in it.

No, no. Yeah, that's kind of my impression. There's this part where he's talking about his um he's talking about like his uh his kind of rise to fame he's like kind of berating some young executives about how they don't you know they need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps he's like he's like he's like look at me i started with nothing and now i own six kookaroos and his uh his assistant goes seven he's like seven kookaroos anyway that's a pretty good part the only problem with kookaroos i think don't they only have kookaroo in los angeles i don't know i think

there's only seven kookaroos in the world yeah he owns all of them how uh yeah how far reaching is kookaroo is it man the one in my neighborhood just closed down. That was a dark day for North Hollywood. Did anything sad replace it? Like a liquor store with a clown mascot? A Chick-fil-A? There's nothing there yet. Man, if only they would replace something with a Chick-fil-A. Jesus.

There's a Chick-fil-A coming out. Really? We're getting our own Chick-fil-A? Like on Sunset and Gower, yeah. Man. Where the Carl's Jr. is, it's going to be a Chick-fil-A. You know what? I'm going to tell you this right now. Let's just stop what we're doing and wait for the Chick-fil-A to be built. Yeah, yeah. Man. Where the Carl's Jr. is, it's going to be a Chick-fil-A. You know what? I'm going to tell you this right now.

Let's just stop what we're doing and wait for the Chick-fil-A to be built. Yeah, right. I want to be first in line. A lot of Angelenos are going to be telling a lot of other Angelenos about how they went to the Chick-fil-A and how there's a Chick-fil-A. And they waited in line for a Chick-fil-A. You should do a podcast dedicated to the Chick-fil-A. We should do a Chick-fil-A show. Maybe you'll get free Chick-fil-A.

It'll be like that This American Life where you wait in line and you get free ones. You hear that? No. Dave Hill hosted that. Dave Hill got free Chick-fil-A's for waiting in line at a Chick-fil-A? Yeah, he made a little This American Life thing about it. I didn't hear that one. That's good.

Man, what a great scam. Yeah, awesome scam. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse going. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Big time, Gene O'Neill. You know, the information age needs a trend spotter, and I think it just got one. Here's Jesse Thorne with Hang It Up and Keep It Up. Keep it up. Keep it up. Please don't let me down.

Keep it up. Brussels sprouts. It doesn't get any better than Brussels sprouts. Browned, roasted, and drizzled with balsamic vinegar. Keep it up, Brussels sprouts. The arts and crafts movement. You know what I would love? A nice arts and crafts side table.

Keep it up, the arts and crafts movement. Jessie's dog. My dog's name is Coco, and she's the best. Keep it up, my dog. Mangoes. It's the world's most popular fruit for a reason. Keep it up, my dog. Mangoes. It's the world's most popular fruit for a reason. Keep it up, mangoes. Chamois shirt.

Just the thing for a cool spring evening. Keep it up, chamois shirt. Roth IRA. What are you, like taxes? I sure don't. Keep it up, Roth IRA. Keep it up, Roth IRA. And now, Hang It Up. Hang it up. Golf.

Even good people become douchebags when they're playing golf. Did you know there are teenagers who play golf? Sickening. Even good people become douchebags when they're playing golf. Did you know there are teenagers who play golf? Sickening. Hang it up, golf. The Mongols. Too invasive. Hang it up, the Mongols. Stockton.

I don't mean to pick on Stockton, but it's pretty fucking lame. Hang it up, Stockton. Magicians. Stop trying to trick me. You're too good at it and it upsets me. Hang it up magicians. And angels. When you think about it it's just a bunch of flapping. Hang it up angels. That was hang it up and Keep It Up. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, for a max fun drive sure um this is a look this is the situation we don't charge any money for what we make we don't uh make you watch commercials no you know what i was just thinking about this the other day i don't watch a huge amount of broadcast television but i do enjoy watching

the nbc thursday night comedy lineup you know community, community. Veronica's Closet. Veronica's Closet. The single guy. Caroline in the City. Exactly. The big four. And I was wondering... Gracie and Alan.

And I mean, I guess, like, cave paintings. Jordan, the next thing to say was Fibber McGee and Molly, and then cave paintings. No, no, we need to get on with it. We don't have time. We don't have time to cover the whole entertainment. Sorry. And I was thinking to myself, like, theoretically, this is free, right? You get to listen.

You get to watch broadcast television for free. And again, I don't watch that much broadcast television. However, I did the math, Jordan. Wow. I did the math on, let's just say you only watched the NBC Thursday night comedies for a year. How much of your time you would spend watching commercials? Just from the Thursday night comedies, just from one year. The answer is you would spend 27.7 hours watching commercials in that year.

So my suggestion to you is if you feel like you're getting the free media that you watch for free, maybe you should consider how much money do I make an hour, whether it's $8 an hour or $25 an hour or a hundred dollars an hour. money do i make an hour whether it's eight dollars an hour or twenty five dollars an hour or a hundred dollars an hour um and if i'm willing to spend 27 hours of my time watching commercials just to watch the thursday night comedies from nbc uh what is it worth to me to get the commercial free entertainment that maximumfund.org gives you because we do i mean we're talking about uh we're talking about we've given you hundreds of hours of entertainment. Absolutely.

All these people call us and they say. And it's straight entertainment too. Oh, absolutely. I mean, this is like. Consistent. This is like a man with a calliope. I mean, there it's shaking. This is the best you can get.

This is like a one man band. Look, we don't just have an organ. We've got a monkey too. Yeah. You see what I'm saying? The whole thing. So, you know, even your free entertainment is entertainment that you're paying for. And that's, you know, without even considering the, you know, 50 or 60 bucks a month you have to pay to get cable.

And TV does reruns. You don't do those. No, absolutely not. Absolutely not. We've made this episode 133 of Jordan Jesse Go. People are always calling in to tell us, you know, I just finished listening to the entire archive of Jordan, Jesse, go. That's what?

That's like 175 hours or something like that. And by the time you listen to them all, you can go back and listen to old ones because you forgot them. Absolutely. So this is like a never-ending loop of entertainment. And all we're asking for is for you to support it. I think...

I mean, you got prizes too, though. Maybe we should pump that a little bit more. And all we're asking for is for you to support it. I think... Yeah. I mean, you got prizes too, though. Maybe we should pump that a little bit more. Well, let me... I want to address one issue. Okay, sure. It's the I can't afford it issue. Sure.

And I want to say that if you do not have a job, you are exempt. Sure. I am issuing a blanket exemption to everyone out there who listens to this show and doesn't support it because they don't have a job. Fast forward through this if you want to, but we're going to try and make it a little funny so you can listen anyway. We're going to lead the unemployed in a collective few. Look, in this economy, Jordan, it's the least we can do to offer our show for free to those who have no jobs. Yeah. Also, if you live in these—

And to General Motors executives. Yeah. And also listen for free to those who have no jobs. Yeah. Also, if you live in these, into a general motors executives, if you listen, listen for free, if you listen in the second or third world, so not just Somalia say, but also parts of Spain. Okay. Mexico,

even better, slightly better off parts of Mexico. You are exempt from our request for your money if you live in the second or third world you're fine we don't want we don't want the shiny beads you use to trade listen even if you live in prague and you're doing just fine but just fine in prague is a significantly smaller amount of money than just fine in, say, London. Yeah, that's poor. Then you're fine. Go ahead.

Enjoy it for free. Second and third worlds get a blanket exemption. However, that having been said, if you have a job and live in the first world, you can afford it. We're looking at you, shoe salesman in Denmark. Yeah. United Arab Emirates oil barons. If you live on a man-made party island,

that from the air looks like a poem written by the Prince of Dubai, give us your crazy money. Because the fact of the matter is that the amount of money that we're suggesting that you donate isn't a huge amount of money. If you're getting $5 or $10 or $20 a month, that's an amount of money that when it comes out of your bank account automatically, you won't even notice that it's gone. It's the kind of money that you'd spend on, you know, like, you know, a meal for two at McDonald's or something like that. It's really it's not a it's not a life changing amount of money that we're asking. He's up. He's up on the pumpkin macchiatos when when the time comes around.

You know, can I say that I when I check my bank account from time to time, I'll be like, oh, please let there just be, you know, X amount of dollars in there. And then I think, all right, just to, you know, be safe, I'll hope that there's X minus two or three hundred dollars and then I'll be happy. And then you check your bank account and it's like X minus like a thousand dollars. And it's just, it just seems money just, your money just kind of disappears into the ether anyway. So have some of it disappear into this show. But we do have have we do have some pretty sweet thank you gifts

we made a fucking DVD didn't we yeah we made a DVD that's got a bunch of funny stuff on it on this DVD we have we have not only

the Sound of Young America live in New York which has interviews with Scott Adsit from 30 Rock the famous music video director, Rick Cordero. Music from our buddy, Andrew WK.

Music from Nellie McKay. Some stand-up comedy from Kumail Nanjiani. The very funny Kumail Nanjiani. This is just one of those DVDs that when you're having a party, you can just put it on with the sound off, and it entertains everybody. Absolutely, because they get to look at my beautiful puss. It's also one of those things that if no one comes to your party, you can watch it with the sound on. Yeah, totally.

And have a great time. You don't even need your friends. Yeah, you forget they didn't show up. Or that they said they couldn't go, and you saw later on Twitter that they were doing something else. It's also got some exclusive Jordan Jesse Go content that you can't get anywhere else. All of the cut scenes from Jordan Jesse Game, an entire animated tale

told by us, our pal Dan Henrick in Chicago, and guest stars John Hodgman and Andy Daly. And also a 10-minute short film that we made based on the 1950s children's public Service announcement, Social Courtesy. Sure.

It was very well received. A lot of very positive buzz from Max Funcon from where it had its world premiere. A lot of good laughs. I got, in fact, a personal compliment from Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, who told me that we did a great job. Sure. And if anybody knows about who did a good job, it's those guys. Sure. So there's all kinds of thank you gifts.

If you give $10 a month, you'll get one of our awesome new T-shirts. There are sweet new Jordan Jesse Go T-shirts, Stop Podcasting Yourself T-shirts, Sound of Young America T-shirts. These are high quality, too. These aren't normal swag T-shirts. This is like a nice brand of T-shirts, Sound of Young America t-shirts. These are high quality, too. These aren't normal swag t-shirts. This is like a nice brand of t-shirts. Exactly. We make these on the alternative apparel, which is super premium.

It's one step up from American apparel. A lot of people tell me, I like an American apparel over a Hanes beefy tee. We're talking about kicking it up one more notch to alternative apparel, which is nicer. And in these economic times, everyone needs to buy alternative. Yeah, absolutely. Alternative for alternatives. Yeah, exactly. So please, donate now, maximumfund.org slash donate.

Just don't give me any baloney about how you're putting it off, you're not going to do it. The time to do it is now. This is the closing days. Are we still saying get off your duff? Oh, that's our new catchphrase. I forgot about the pledge drive catchphrase. People have been twittering me the get off their duff catchphrase when they have gotten off their duff. But, Jordan, if you want to implement it.

Guys, get off your duffs. Maximumfun.org slash donate. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goim, Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. El Tiempo Grande, Gino T. El Tiempo Grande. Wait a minute, Tiempo is like temperature, not time, right?

Tiempo is time, but I mean, I don't think a literal translation of that really is going to be effective. I think our Spanish listeners still appreciated it. Like, hey, this show has something for me. You can do that. A tip of the hat to our Spanish-speaking listeners. This will tide me over until the next Fast and Furious movie comes out. Those Spanish-speaking listeners have been disappointed and frustrated because to this point our whole show has been in English. They're like, oh, finally, something I can kind of understand. Granted, it's a directly translated colloquialism that doesn't make sense in my language.

But it was worth it for them to hang in there this whole time. At least big stars are acknowledging that my language exists. Listen. my language exists um listen uh uh yesterday on twitter i said to i said to folks this is the uh this show is going to sort of mark the 10th anniversary of the sound of young america 10 years of jesse jordan and gene um it's uh our big pledge drive show uh what would you like to hear more than anything else on the program? And the response was... You guys to shut your traps. The response was simple.

They wanted to hear Marc Maron and Kevin Smith. And not us. The response was basically unanimous. Would you rather with the master of Would You Rather, Jim Ray Al. Now, for those of you out there who might have come to the program relatively recently and aren't familiar with how it works, here's how it works. We've got our pal Jim Ray Al, the master of Would You Rather,

on the line from Santa Cruz, California. How are you, Jim? I'm doing great. So happy to be here, guys. And for people who are just coming to the program now, for clarification, we invented this. Yeah. You might be hearing it elsewhere.

Yeah, it's our thing. We invented it, though. We've been doing it for 10 years. And we're not going to fucking put a stink out about it. No, we're not making a stink. No one's making a stink. We just want you to know. We're happy everybody's enjoying it so much.

Everybody have a good time. Sure. With the thing we made up. Yeah. We. Here's how it works. Jim is going to present us with two choices. They may be good things.

They may be bad things. And he'll ask us which we would rather do, have, or be. We'll discuss the various options. We will decide on a final choice. questions. We can ask Jim for clarification. He is the master of Would You Rather. And then we will turn to Jim and ask him whether we were right or whether we were wrong. I'm a certified master.

Yes. Did you finally take your board exam? Yeah, it was really long and grueling. I'm in a lot of debt, but I'm happy I did it. Because you took all those training courses. Yeah, yeah. I'm almost a lot of debt, but I'm happy I did it. Because you took all those training courses. Yeah, yeah. I'm almost a doctor. It's a technical certificate.

So you're like Zach Braff on Scrubs. Yeah. He also studied at Cambridge in England. Their version is weather your preference. Jim, what is this week's Would You Rather? Okay. Would you rather fight dogs compulsively or wear your hair in a long, beautiful ponytail? Wait, what was the first one?

Fight dogs compulsively? Fight dogs compulsively. You mean fight dogs against each other or always get into fights with dogs? No, I'm talking you're punching a dog in the face. Wow. So this is like every time you see a dog, whether it's someone walking a dog or, you know, your own dog, you attack it. You feel an impulse that really makes you want to fight with the dog. that really makes you want to fight with the dog.

Let's say it's a particularly, like I live in, when I take my dog out for a walk, you know, I get a few blocks of field. I end up in the kind of neighborhood where there are a lot of yards with cyclone fences and inside those yards are the kind of dogs that you wouldn't want to have a fight with. Not corgis. Talking about your jaw-locking breeds. Yeah.

Would I be able to have some rational response that came sort of into my head in opposition to my desire to fight them? Like if I felt compelled to fight them, would I be able to overcome that by being like, look, if you fought that dog, you might die? Yeah, yeah. You're definitely able to ration with yourself, but you really want to fight it. So it's like a struggle like when Bruce Banner doesn't want to turn into the Hulk, but he's getting there. You've got to do it anyway, though. Maybe the impulse helps you overcome that fear,

and you just feel like you can take anybody or any dog. Let me ask you this, Jim. With the fighting dogs, do I just run up and sucker punch dogs, or do I at least have the forbearance to properly challenge them to a duel? No, no, yeah, no. You're going to step up to the dog, you know. Come here, dog. I'm going to fight you.

You know, you've been doing this for a long time. It's a part of you. Have I learned moves like possibly Krav Maga? I don't know who that is, Jesse. That's an Israeli martial art. So do we have special dog fighting techniques, I guess is what the question is. Yeah, like giant gloves. You've been fighting dogs for many years, and you've made it this far.

You've lasted this long. So, you know, you're no chump. Is it possible that I could make a career fighting dogs before blood sport matches, sort of like a rodeo clown distracts a bull after the cowboy has been thrown? Yeah, certainly. But it sounds like a legal activity. Yeah, it's going to take a little footwork on your part, though. You don't automatically get the job. I'm going to have to find some dank basements in Bangkokkok sure and with those things you got to know somebody too you know sure uh i okay so let's look at my brother went to college with jeffrey katzenberg's son so that might help um i have a question about the ponytail is i want to talk about the length of this

ponytail does this stay this is like a magic ponytail that stays a certain length or can you kind of trim it so it's you know more or less is it down to your butt yeah it's it's it's gonna be like it's gonna be around mid mid back to the butt type length it's a it's a long you know it's a it's a it's a head turning ponytail like down to the butt is a good like for like if you see someone with hair down to their butt, it's like, come on, get an haircut already. How long have you been growing your hair? Yeah, so does it stay one length or do you have to maintain it? No, it's going to grow just like normal hair, but it's always in a long ponytail length.

How much of an issue would split ends be? Well, it's not going to be. Depends on whether you blow dry, right? I don't know. That's your hang-up, Jesse. Well, as I stated at the beginning, it's a beautiful ponytail. So there is some maintenance that goes into that. There is some upkeep.

Yeah, you've got to use Pantene. Yeah, you've got to use the good stuff. Okay. Sorry, Jesse, no Pert Plus. No suave for you. I want to ask you this. you this i mean uh uh our friend eugene's hair here is uh uh dark as night and and bone straight and uh very full and and at the moment artfully disheveled uh but i have no doubt that that just like jimmy fallon in his heyday uh given the opportunity our friend eugene could grow a very

lustrous and handsome ponytail now jordan and and myself are a little bit different than that. Jordan, of course, has his signature curly locks. Sure. And I have my signature receding hairline and shiny pate. Right. So I guess the question is, in 10 years, am I going to be a bald guy with a really long ponytail from his side and back hair? I mean, his back hair. Which I think is a pretty edgy hairstyle, by the way.

That is pretty amazing. I mean, it's a remarkable ponytail. But, I mean, would I be the kind of guy who has a ponytail despite the fact that there's no hair on the crown of his head? And would Jordan have to fashion a ponytail out of his very curly hair? Yeah, yeah. Does he have to straighten it? You're going to be stuck with your hair type. If you're losing your hair, that ponytail is going to stay.

Wow. Like one of those guys in the martial arts movies that are all bald, but they have some kind of crazy, you know, long braided hair or something like that. Wow. Jordan has some kind of frizzy, poofy kind of hair. It's going to be the best looking ponytail that that kind of hair can support. So an awful ponytail. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

But part of the setup for this was that the ponytail is beautiful. Beautiful, though. So even if it doesn't necessarily look good, just the magic of the ponytail, it's universally considered beautiful? Everyone sees it as like, whoa, look at that ponytail. You know, we're temporarily living in the would-you-rather, you know, fantasy ponytail realm. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. You can fashion your hair into something nice, Jordan. Okay. I'm ready. I want to ask you one last question, Jim. I'm ready. No, just ask one more question. I'm sorry. God, I'm one more question. I'm sorry.

God, I'm sorry. As you know, I own a dog, Coco the chocolate dog, sometimes known as Coco the brown brown dog. She's sitting on my lap right now, in fact. And I'm wondering if I will want to fight her. Yeah, yeah, you're going to want to fight her. But, you know, this is a dog that you live with, so it's going to be a kind of different daily struggle with this dog.

You know, you'll probably have abused it in the past. You might be going to some kind of treatment to be able to live with this crippling compulsion. Wow. So, yeah, and if this is the type of person that you are, it's unlikely that that dog is going to be in your house and sitting on your lap. It'll be afraid in the backyard maybe. Oh, geez. Okay, I've made my decision.

Gene, are you ready to make your decision? Sure. Jordan, you decided first. Do you want to go first? Yeah, absolutely. No, I think this is an easy one. I think ponytail. Dogs are everywhere these days.

Sure. They're the new Appletini. Sure. And then having to suppress a significant amount of rage every day or have several dog fights a day just seems like it would it would bar you from polite society so uh whereas a ponytail kind of does uh in a way but uh i like this idea that it's universally considered beautiful and i feel like you know if i just i can just fucking go with it and, you know, wear a suit vest with a T-shirt everywhere I go, hop on a recumbent bike, become a Ren Faire enthusiast.

Put on some of those Vibrance five finger shoes. Sure, absolutely. And just and really live a pretty cool life. So. So, yeah, I think I think ponytail is the easy answer. Now, here's the thing i really i really can't imagine a less appropriate hairstyle for me than a long ponytail um i really think it goes against every aesthetic bone in my body god i'm totally seeing it by the way and it looks great it looks great uh but you know i really love my dog i can't

imagine a world where i fight with my dog all the time and also as i said there's a lot of pretty scary dogs in my neighborhood um so and you know a lot of sweet dogs that i wouldn't want to fight a lot of you know it's sort of like depending on which block you're on there's a lot of sweet dogs that I wouldn't want to fight a lot of, you know, it's sort of like, depending on which block you're on, there's a lot of, you know, white people's golden retrievers. And there's a lot of kind of cholo dads, you know, pit bull mixes. So and I wouldn't want to fight either of those. So I guess I have to go with the I have to go with the ponytail to as much as it would ruin my credibility in my chosen secondary career as, you know, style, men's style video podcast host. Well, I would go with the psychological compulsion to fight dogs because I have that anyway. So at least this universe is legitimized and I can get it treated.

Jim, you're the master of Would You Rather. Which answer was correct and which one was incorrect? Well, the correct answer today is Beautiful Ponytail. Nice. Thank God. Nice. Jim just always picks against what I pick. Sorry, Gene.

You know, while being able to fight and take down dogs would make you a bad motherfucker. Yeah. You know, that's a pretty dangerous path. It could land you in the slammer. Oh, man, I didn't think about the hoose cow. Yeah. It's especially dangerous if you know Krav Maga. So, ponytail it is.

Well, Jim, number one, I'd like to thank you for picking mine again. My record has improved to an astonishing many and few. I'm sorry I can't say the same for you guys. It just goes to show you that I'm almost always right. Yeah, my one last record is never and always. I feel history will vindicate us. Jim, it's always a pleasure to have you on the show. Thank you so much for taking the time to give us this Would You Rather.

Guys, so much fun. I look forward to next time. We'll be back in just a second with more Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Big time, Gene O'Neill.

You know, we got some great calls to listen to. We've got some more pledge pitching to do. We've got more money to ask for from you. We've got a lot of great stuff still coming up on the show. But I think any show that has this segment in it, this segment is probably the highlight of that show. From time to time, look, let me put it this way. Gene, you and I know that Jordan's one of the funniest guys around.

If not the. Yeah. We know that he's one of the nicest guys around. Yeah, he's all right. We know that he's a talented television host. Oh, sure. We know that he's a of the nicest guys around. Yeah, he's all right. We know that he's a talented television host. Oh, sure. We know that he's a great podcaster, of course. Phew.

But what some people don't know about Jordan is that he's also a gifted musician. And that's a shame. More people need to know this. More people should know that. I mean, if Michael Buble can have a great career in music, there's no reason that Jordan, who's roughly, what would you say? Two, three times more talented? Two, three times as talented? Guys, don't

take him down. No need to cut him down. Just say I'm Buble-esque. I think that covers it. I feel like that doesn't serve you well, though. At best, the best I could say is that on his best day, Buble is Morris-esque. Okay, yeah.

Wouldn't you say? Well, I just don't want to cut down on my colleague. If you want to talk about who is Morris-esque, who's coming up. If you want to brag about your friends about the Michael Buble show that you went to last night. Right. And when they saw him, they're like, yeah, it was great. It was typical Buble. You want to say, well, I saw him like that was great it was typical buble i would you want to say well i saw him and he was like it was like seeing i liked it i liked

it better when his name was jordan morris yeah um i would say that to a certain extent you could make an argument that mandy patinkin is morris-esque um i mean in his in his broadway career not in his career on uh television procedural thrillers. On Chicago Hope, no. No, certainly. Criminal Minds. In terms of his ability to sing a lovely tune. Sure.

Streisand, again, on Broadway. I can't really think of anybody else who's in Jordan's league. Certainly even these people are below Jordan. I would also say Mandy Patinkin is Albert Finney-esque. Yeah, that's league. And certainly even these people are below Jordan. I would also say Mandy Patinkin is Albert Finney-esque. Yeah, that's fair. That's also fair. As long as we're on the subject of Mandy Patinkin. This is a segment called Jordan Sings a Song.

Now, Jordan. Actually, guys, sorry. I'm just going to go off script here for a second. I know we were talking. I feel like why did I do so many drafts of this script yeah and i'm roughly through like sorry guys right now like uh it's like working with will ferrell with me you just turn on the camera and watch me go geez jordan does something crazy uh we would we were talking about it and we thought i was gonna sing my darling clementine

which i am totally prepared to do if that's still the direction you guys want to go. But then I remember a song... Jordan, I don't want to stand in the way of your muse. I just want to service the audience, and I want to know what you guys think is best. I can sing that, or I could sing an original parody song I wrote about Pele to the tune of Barry Manilow's Mandy.

Well, listen. Yeah. It's been a long time since we've done Jordan Sings a Song. People are hungry for something. People need as much Jordan as they can. Why don't you sing the original tune? Okay. Here it comes.

But it's not a totally original tune. I'm putting my own spin on it. But you've contributed a lot to it. I mean, it's like Michael Jackson writing the lyrics to a song. Sure. Or Britney Spears co-writing one of her songs. Right, which she does frequently, I'm told. Okay, this is called Pele, and it's to the tune of Very Man Alows Mandy.

And it's to the tune of Very Man Alows Mandy. Oh, Pele, you came and you gave without soccer, but I sent you away, oh, Pele. That's it. Jordan sings a song. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Big time Gene O'Neill, sorry. Did you forget? Yeah, I forgot where I was. I was back in the war. Hey, I want to give a Jordan Jesse Goh personal message. This is one that we have been saving for a while. It is from Jim in Blackfoot, Idaho to his beautiful wife.

They are celebrating on May 26th the anniversary of the first time that they humped. Thirteen years ago at a party at Jenny Sue's house in 1997. So that's a personal shout out from Jim Hines.

Details, Jim. Details. Great. You humped. What was it like? It was probably good. That's why they stayed. Well, I don't know.

Yes. Because fucking coy little miss blue bonnet over there doesn't want to talk about it describe the vasculature of your boner yeah great story don't just say prodigious um you know the other week on the show we had a big discussion about the relative merits of livers uh spleens, and kidneys. And our medical correspondent, who is now, I think, completing medical school, called in with some clarification. So let's hear it. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Go.

This is Casey in Houston. I'm calling in case you don't end up hearing from your original medical correspondent because I'm in med school too, and I just wanted to offer my counsel on the spleen action items. You have... Wait a minute. Shit. I deleted the wrong one. Two people called in.

One was our real medical correspondent and one was the wrong one. The other one's an imposter. And I accidentally deleted the real one and kept the imposter. Oh, great. Well, we got to know. We got to know.

Our apologies to our real medical correspondent and her charming Illinois accent. Congratulations, imposter. You've been promoted. One liver, and you store your bile in your gallbladder, which is behind your liver. But in regards to what Nick Adams was saying, yeah, you only get one spleen, but sometimes it has to come out. And when it does, you're more susceptible to certain kinds of bacteria. But there are a few vaccines that can help you with that.

I just have to tell you, I had an amazing time this weekend at MaxFunCon. By the time you see me at the next one, I will just have had the momentous occasion of adding MD to my name. So I'm looking forward to it. Love the show. Bye. See? That's nice.

She's a nice young woman. Come on. My apologies to our real medical correspondent who hadn't been on the show in roughly a year but was still listening, and when we called out for her, she responded. And then yesterday when I spent four hours screening calls, I accidentally deleted hers in delirium. We also asked for follow-up on the guy who called in the momentous occasion that he works in film production and he was driving a dead cow to Montana.

And I think it was Montana. I don't remember. But we were like, okay, can we get a little background information on this? He's like, no. He really delivered on the background information front. Hey, guys. This is Tom Mayers calling to expand on a voicemail I left last week about transporting a dead cow. to expand on a voicemail I left last week about transporting a dead cow.

I'm sure you'll be interested to know that Denver does, in fact, have a production industry, but it mostly consists of extreme hunting, other gun-related shows, and infomercials. So he worked in film production. We were like, well, if you work in film production, he said he was a PA, why do you live in Denver? That seems bizarre. It's because of the outdoors programs that shoot there.

The cow shoot was for a company based in L.A. where I was actually living at the time, and they sent me and my wife out here to pick up the cow for a reality TV show they were producing. They prefer to hire a couple to do it so there's no funny business. When he says cow, he's not talking about his mother-in-law. Hello! They then mutilated it on camera. After the wrap, we took the stinking carcass to a wolf rescue in Gussie, Colorado,

where I had yet another momentous occasion when the owner of the compound was generous enough to personally introduce me to his entire wolf family. We were in the cages with these animals, taking Facebook photos and cuddling them, and they're really not the bloodthirsty, savage creatures I expected them to be, although their habitat is littered with dozens of cleaned cow, sheep, and llama skulls. And for a third and final momentous occasion, my wife and I have actually left Hollywood for Denver, where I'm now editing a block of the aforementioned hunting and gun-related shows. It's pretty nice here, and while it's not as warm as Southern California,

it sure beats the hell out of working as a PA. Thanks, guys. There you go. Hey, hey. It's a nice story. It's heartwarming. That was a very good story. He took the cow carcass story.

He introduced a heartwarming family of wolves to tear the flesh from the bones, and he cuddled with him took some facebook photos i'm what i'm imagining is a facebook photo where like the cow head is in the wolf's mouth and then like the cow's leg with the hoof at the bottom is hanging out of his mouth and they're both smiling that's cute i don't know if wolves can technically smile but they can do that thing where a dog's mouth is open and it kind of looks like it's smiling. Yeah, they have their tongue out. That's like the dog smile.

Absolutely. Okay. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call in and let us know in the immediate aftermath or even as it is happening. It's a segment called Momentous Occasions. Let's go to the tape. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. I'm calling it the Momentous

Occasion. My name is Ashley and I work at a public library. Today I was part of a focus group to try to pick a uniform as our library right now just has a dress code of spiffy casual. After two hours of arguing about why we can't wear a lanyard, which is basically a keychain around your neck because it's too fucking ugly, and that was my stance, somebody came up with the brilliant idea that we should wear bolo ties, the western style shoelace with a toggle around your neck, and they should be clear. So, it is a momentous occasion because we are going to be the only public library in the world where everybody wears clear plastic bolo ties, so you know we work there.

My brain exploded. I'm so excited to get to wear the most ugly, bizarre uniform on the planet. Unbelievable. Yeah. They rejected lanyards and they said, what's more attractive than a lanyard? And also better distinguishing who works here. They came up with transparent bolo ties. I guess, yeah. And I guess you always have to just wear like a, probably have like a denim collared shirt on at all times too. Absolutely. Or else it'll look weird.

Although, if Star Trek 4 has taught us anything, it's the developments in transparent aluminum technology. I was going to say, I have had a momentous occasion in a library. What was that? It's a little bit of an old story. When I was eight years old, no, maybe 10 years old, my mom took us to the library every two weeks, and I would go to the young adult section to peruse the great brain titles. Anything new? Yeah.

anything new yeah and then so uh this guy comes up and uh i remember distinctly he's wearing like he looked vaguely maybe a little bit homeless just a little bit um and he's wearing this like neon green tank top and like matching neon green shorts and he's holding a newspaper over his waist and he walks by me moves the newspaper and his penis is just hanging out. And then he goes like, oh, sorry, almost like he bumped into me. He's apologizing for it. And then just kept walking. And I just thought to myself,

oh, that poor guy's got a hole in his shorts, so when he goes out, he's just got to put a newspaper over his crotch. And for some reason, I thought of that recently, and it only occurred to me that that guy was exposing himself to me but being like polite about it yeah so you think that's just like that's like pre-flasher behavior you know yeah i guess you have the you know the standard flash you know guy in a trench coat jumps out of the alley and screams and yells so he's still working up his

whole routine yeah that was i think this is an advanced flasher technology because he's got the neon green. It matches. Yeah, you see a guy matching green clothes. The last thing you're going to think is that he flashes people. Yeah, he's working on kids instead of grown women. You know, this is advanced stuff. He's in the young adult section, which I think is savvy. Yeah.

He's like, well, I'm not a pervert. I'm not about to go in the children. I'm not about to go in the children. I'm not about to go in Mother Goose's story corner. I'm going to go over by the Encyclopedia Browns. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Alyssa from Massachusetts.

I am calling with a momentous occasion. My friends and I were at the mall yesterday, waiting by the elevators to leave, and when the elevator doors opened, there were three teenage boys sitting on the floor laughing hysterically. It was kind of weird, but we didn't think too much of it until we walked into the elevator after they had left, and it took us about three or four seconds to realize that we were trapped in a prison of farts. These boys had been riding the elevator.

I want to take this back just, if I can, like a couple seconds. Up and down, creating a tornado of smell into it. I thought I knew how to do that. Oh, jog mode. How about that? Okay, here we go. These boys have been riding the elevator up and down, creating a tornado of smell. Oh, wait.

Okay, here we go. Wait, I've got to go back a little bit more. Man, poor Max Hedren getting caught in that elevator of farts. It took us about three or four seconds to realize that we were trapped in a prison of farts, a fart jail. His voice had been riding the elevator up and down creating a tornado of smell into which we walked blithely. We thankfully were not in there too long. We escaped four or five seconds after we realized this. And the boys were still outside laughing,

at which point I told them what they did was, quote, not cool, but they just kind of laughed some more and ran away. The fact of the matter is that that was a very cool thing that they did. Man, those kids are on top of the world. They built their own prison of farts. A fart jail. Yeah. Is she suggesting, and maybe this is easier than I'm thinking it is,

but is she suggesting that these boys synchronized their farts, like they all farted at the same time? Do you think you could do that? You know how they say that in so-called primitive societies, women who live together will have their periods tend to synchronize? Sure. I think it's a similar thing here. Teenage boys' farts tend to synchronize over time. Wouldn't you say?

Well, I mean, we've all been farting this whole time. Yeah. We got our own little fart jail going. Yeah. And I hope I never get paroled. I'm like the guy for the Shawshank Resurrection. This is Sarah M. in Chicago, Illinois. And I am calling you from my wedding reception. in Chicago, Illinois, and I'm calling you from my wedding reception,

and I just whipped out a power jam and danced to Ignition Remix with all of my closest friends, including my parents. And it was the time of my life, and I have to say, I didn't know Ignition Remix until I heard Jesse talking about whipping out a power jam, and I'm so thankful that it's part of my life now. I love the show. guys bye look i'm not just here to entertain you i'm here to bring light to your lives yeah um the people who are out there who had never listened to ignition remix um who had never even thought about i mean look is she she had not heard ignition remix had she not Had she not heard Ignition Remix before her wedding,

not only would they not have had that awesome power jam to dance to, they also probably wouldn't have had something that I presume they had there at the wedding, which is food everywhere as if the party was catered. This was, I mean, I have to really, I have to take this time to pat myself on the back. Literally, physically, I'm doing it right I have to take this time to pat myself on the back. Literally, physically. Sure. I'm doing it right now. Don't throw your shoulder out.

Because I feel like, you know, sometimes you see somebody, they're like an ER doctor or something. They're like, well, at least I'm doing the Lord's work. Hey, fuck you, asshole. I'm doing the Lord's work. Get off your high horse. I'm bringing Ignition Remix, not the much, much worse original song that was completely different, but remix to people who didn't even know about it before. It's like those people who give a laptop to a child in a third world country or, you know, hand out malaria nets, that kind of thing. Sure, that's you.

Doctors only save lives. You change them. Absolutely. Hi, I'm calling with a momentous occasion. This is Emily from San Francisco. Last night I went bowling in the suburbs of San Francisco in Colma. Sarah Bowl. Jesse, I'm sure you're familiar with this place. Of course I am. Who isn't familiar with the Sarah Bowl, and I was bowling, I was doing okay. And then at some point I was drinking and I realized that I couldn't bowl anymore. And I started, uh, only having gutter balls. Um, and I realized that it was because I was too horny to function. And so I

never thought of myself as the type of person who would do something like this, but I decided that what I needed to do was go into the locker room, the bathroom at this bowling alley in the suburbs, and fuck myself. And so I did. And then I came back, and it was my turn, and I got my first strike of the night, followed by two spares. Yes. Wow. What?

I hope this catalyzes a run of too horny to function stories. Oh, man. We had this amazing moment of shame that somebody called in, and I feel like I can't even talk about it on air because it was so vulgar. But I thought that was nice because it's a nice lady calling in. Clearly she's a sweet lady. Yeah. It wasn't some potty-mouthed 17-year-old boy.

No, it was sweet. Yeah. It was about bowling. It was like a Buildings Roman story. Sure. The Hero's journey starts off in the peaceful village. I have

a few questions. Okay. Jordan lost it when he heard this. Jordan's monocle fell into his lap. Sure. Yeah, my suspenders whipped up. He dropped the pheasant that he's been holding on the tines of his silver fork yeah um uh like the thing is like it's it's

you're bowling and you're drinking right what what what's yeah what happens to make you yeah right it's like it was there something just about i don't know where i mean you weren't you guys aren't married so you don't know about sometimes when the here we go when the spice is missing from your bedroom life uh you do something you take a little time out to do something sexy to get everybody in the mood and sort of reinvigorate the kind of sexual feeling in your relationship. So you

do something like go to the Sarah Bowl, where my friend Tony McCauley bowled in a league when we were in elementary school. Yeah, did he jack off between frames? You guys have to go to the bathroom again. That's the secret.

Anyways, yeah, we can move on. It's a lovely story, Jordan. What it is is it's just like it's one of those things where you just hear a story and you just know that's just heartwarming that's sweet that's that's the kind of thing that we're gonna make a movie of with a lot of soft focus sure this is like the Marley and me that's a lifetime or Hallmark movie right there absolutely this is a Marley and me but it has a happy ending hey, go. This is Dario from San Diego. Just

wanting to say I just had a momentous occasion. I just asked out a girl I really like to prom and she said yes. So right now I'm like relaxing on cloud nine.

Thanks, guys. Later. You know what, Dario relaxing on cloud nine. Thanks, guys. Later. You know what, Dario? Congratulations, man. You know what? You earned this. Go in the bathroom of a bowling alley and rub one out. Man, I advise you to skip the prom altogether.

Go straight to the bowling alley. Yeah, right? Yeah, go in your separate bathrooms. Masturbate. And then talk about it. How long did it take you? Along with heartwarming stories like that one, we also share moments of shame on this program.

Like I said, there was one that was just too vulgar for me to play on the air, but pretty shameful. And maybe I'll write it out on the forum or something like that because it was pretty bad but this one is nice because it's it's sincerely shameful but uh in a charming way good afternoon jordan jesse go i have a moment of shame this is morgan alexandria i was just sitting in my office listening to some of your older podcasts and during the opening, I had both my cat and dog sitting on my left and right. I pointed at each and said, Jordan, Jesse, go, with my hand in the air, only to turn around and find my wife standing behind me. Now, thoroughly emasculated, I will be spending a lot more time with my surrogate, Jordan and Jesse.

I just want to let you know. Thanks. Which one do you think was Jordan and which one do you think was Jesse? I want to be a different pet. I want to be... You want to be an iguana. Yeah, that'd be awesome. God, you can't stop talking about your fucking iguana.

Sure. Oh, I taught him a fucking trick. He shits in a bowl. Whatever. He changes colors when he's on the wall. Yeah. Man, I hope his dog is at Dog House because he's about to join him in it. Hello.

Lookout. We'll be back in just a second with more on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Big time Gene O'Neill. One of the best in the business.

Big time Gene O'Neill. Yeah, right. Superstar podcaster, big time Gene O'Neill. The man more requested than any other Jordan, Jesse Goh guest of all time. The man with 10 years of microphone experience. The man who logs reality television shows better than anyone else in the world. And works at the Cat Hotel. Wait, what?

Yeah, the Cat Hotel. You work at the Cat Hotel? I think I talked about that last time, I think. No, I don't think you did. Yeah, my job at the Cat Hotel. What? What do you do there? What do you do at the Cat Hotel?

Concierge. Oh. Oh. Yeah. I'm not really working there right now, though. I got suspended. A lot of customers complained. A lot of the cats are coming out with bad self-esteem. Listen, we got a couple of really awesome things coming up.

On May 28th, which is this coming Friday we are doing our Max Fun Marathon it's the grand finale of the Max Fun Drive Jordan and I will be broadcasting streaming live

audio and professionally produced video from our friend Elliot Hochberg of IndieHD.com we'll be behind the cameras

8 hours of Jordan Jesse Go it's going to be quite the extrav Eight hours of Jordan, Jesse Go. It's going to be quite the extravaganza from 4 p.m. to midnight Pacific time. I think people can stay to stay up. Even on the East Coast, you can make it to 3 a.m. Right. If you're if you're a real man or woman, pussy up. Right.

We're not supposed to say be a pussy supposed to be strong. Right. Yeah. Pussy. Yeah. Yeah. Don't be such a penis. Yeah. Don't be such a penis. Yeah, don't be such a scrote.

I'm going to look over on this list and tell you about who's going to be on this fucking show. Are we like... Can we say everybody or is it supposed to be kind of a surprise? I decided we'd just say everybody.

You know, who gives a shit, right? Sure. Jimmy Pardo and Matt Belknap. The Sklar Brothers. Sarah Thire. The awesome Sarah Thire from Strangers with Candy, among other things. uh jimmy pardo and matt belmap uh the sklar brothers uh sarah thayer uh the awesome sarah thayer from strangers with candy among other things also an improv legend and her husband a fellow you might have heard with heard of uh mr andy richter uh sir greg barrent uh paul sheer and rob hubel uh jimmy jimmy dore and steph zambrano from the Comedy and Everything Else podcast.

Edie McClurg from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Clifford and Kid are going to be bringing us a root beer tasting contest. We've got Karen Kilgariff, one of our all-time favorite guests from Mr. Show and other outlets. Scott Aukerman from Comedy Death Ray Radio is going to stop by. We've got Super Ego from the Go Super Ego podcast, which is a great sketch comedy podcast worth your time to listen to. Mike Schmidt from The 40-Year-Old Boy. Stephen Tobolowsky, character actor Stephen Tobolowsky,

who you might know as, among his many other roles, he is Bill Murray's insurance-selling high school buddy from Groundhog Day, the one who's always bothering you. Yeah, Ned the Head. Ned Ryerson. You got it, Ned Ryerson. Man, I bet he gets that all the time and he loves it. He has to go inside a bowling alley bathroom

and jack off every time it happens. He's got a great podcast called uh the tobalowski files where he just tells like these crazy stories from his life as you would imagine specifically from groundhog day from groundhog day day four of my five day shoot and uh a very special guest. Craft Services was very kind. We've got our friend Eugene O'Neill will be there from the Jordan Jesse Go podcast and the Sound of Young

America circa 2002. I'll be stopping by. He'll stop by for a few laughs and flying in from the great state of Canada Dave Shum Canada, Dave Shumka. Dave Shumka. Sure. Oh, excuse me.

Flying in from the great state of country, Dave Shumka. Now, that's fun. That's a fun little gag we just put together. That was a lot of fun. Dave Shumka will be sitting in with us the entire time. He will be in charge of, I don't know, have you the marriage ref oh sure who hasn't seen the marriage ref right yeah uh i've seen it i mean i know of it you know how there's on the marriage ref there's like a lady from the morning news team who sits over there and then they're arguing about like uh you know

they're arguing about who takes out the trash and and then they cut to her, and she gives some cool facts about trash. Sure. Of which there are many. He will be filling that role. He'll be chiming into the conversation, keeping an eye on the chat room. There, of course, will be a live chat going on the whole time. And filling us in on what's going on in the chat room. He will be letting us know how many donors are donating since it is, after all, a Max Fun Drive donation event.

And he'll just generally be being one of the funniest guys around, just like he is on the Stop Podcasting Yourself. Sure. So it should be a blast. Just go to MaximumFun.org. Or if you're in Los Angeles, right now their reservations are sold out. We gave out a certain number of reservations. Those people will get priority entrance to the event.

However, it's a pretty big place. There's a lot of room. Come to the show, and I think we'll be able to fit you in if you're in Los Angeles. And if we could offer one recommendation, Jordan, and that is if you happen to have a chair, you can bring a chair, because we don't know how many chairs there's going to be. BYO chair.

If you have a reservation, you're fine for a chair, as long as you show up at the beginning. But if you don't show up at the beginning, we're not sure how many chairs there's going to be beyond the number of reservations. So there's going to be plenty of room, but we don't know how many chairs there's going to be. So, you know, come by, enjoy yourself.

Stop by after work, pop in. It only costs five bucks. I'm going to buy everybody pizza. We've got some leftover Shiraz from Max Fun Con. So it'll be... The box variety? Yes, we've got some leftover Shiraz from the inaugural blimp flight. It all goes down Friday, May 28th from 4 p.m. to midnight.

I would like to say one thing. I mentioned that I screened calls for four hours yesterday. Sure. We took a lot of calls. And there is this one category of calls that I usuallyed calls for four hours yesterday. Sure. We took a lot of calls, and there is this one category of calls that I usually call heartfelt. This is the kind of call that we don't usually play on the air because it doesn't really, you know,

it's not something we want to make fun of necessarily, and it's also just, you know, why would we want to toot our own horn on the air? But we got some really sweet calls. So I want to thank the people who called in to tell us about how important what we do is to them. And especially we got a call from a gentleman named Jack who was in a real tough situation. And we're thinking about you, bud. And we got a call from a young lady who didn't give us a name who was taking care of her great grandmother and said some really kind things

about what we do so our thanks to her and we're thinking of you too and finally I don't know what the fuck you're waiting for Jordan if you could implement the catchphrase do you want to try the tip of the tongue, the teeth, and the lips?

Get off your duff. Maximumfun.org slash donate. There's no more excuses. There's no more time to do this. Go to fucking maximumfun.org slash donate. If you believe in independent media, if this is something that you actually like, if you enjoy listening to our show, make a donation. Fucking famous people are giving us donations.

Sure. Our colleagues are giving us donations. People that we admire. Look, we got a, we got a donation from our friend Tom Sharpling from the best show on WFMU. Our thanks to Tom Sharpling from the best show on WFMU. Kurt Explodo Anderson signed up for a donation.

That guy's so fucking classy. Uh, he's having, he's probably having a brunch with Gore Vidal right now. That's's so fucking classy. He's probably having brunch with Gore Vidal right now. And he took the time out to go to MaximumFun.org slash donate.

These good people are donating to support this program. And frankly, you should too. If you're unemployed, if you live in a second or third world nation, you're off the hook. If you're not,

you are not off the hook. You are not off the hook you are not off the hook we are supported by your donations i don't know how to make it any clearer than that if you think we're supported by the money that i get from public radio stations for the sound of young america or something or you think that we're you know frittering away your money on uh niceties like an actual studio to record in or um an engineer or someone so that I don't have to spend four hours screening the calls on my Saturday afternoon. You're wrong. We're running a lean operation.

All we're asking for you to do is support it. Jordan, you got anything to add on this front? Yeah. No, thanks. I enjoy doing this, and this is – this definitely falls under like the hobby category for me, and it just gives me a little bit of cash each month to do it, which I – for which I am grateful. I would do it for free, but it's definitely – But no, not really. But don't.

But yeah, but it's nice. And as somebody who – I didn't grow up in like a public radio or PBS house, so definitely I know the feeling of like I just assume that the things that I like make money because they exist. Like, oh, because I'm – It's good. It makes money. Because I'm ingesting something, it makes money. But these days it doesn't necessarily. And I think that it's even kind of a good feeling knowing that if you enjoy 30 Rock, you could go out and buy a Subway sandwich because they know it is you know because they buy commercials on 30 Rock but it just makes infinitely more difference

to Maximum Fun to donate and you know use that same idea because it just it definitely makes a huge difference and each donation is totally appreciated individually so do it. Can I just say that I love doing this show in the modest facilities and all,

but I wouldn't mind getting a Calistoga and maybe a cushion, a soft cushion to sit on. Hey, that's not a too big request. Gene, I don't want to put you out there too much, but Gene O'Neill comes in here. He's got a real job. He's a working man. He's climbing his way up the Hollywood ladder.

He likes to sleep during the day when he can. He comes in here and lends his prodigious talents to our program. Unlike me and Jordan, he doesn't get paid to do it. gene is also a donor to maximum fun that's true fucking stood the fuck up and uh donated and uh you know i i donate to the things that i like too you know uh tom from the best show uh is is kind enough to donate to our show and i always make sure and give some money to FMU. You know, like, the thing of it is that we really are truly supported by the people who care what we do, and we're not supported by selling, you know,

Jordan Jesse Go themed homies figurines. Lord knows we tried. You do not want those. We lost so much money on those jordan jesse we hired the real guy from homies yeah took scrap to craft our homies figurines do you think that means anything to people who don't live in like los angeles san antonio yeah you also paid I need to model a cool can after you guys. Maximumfund.org slash donate. Jordan, I don't mean to pressure you, but if you have one more in you,

one more utilization of the magic words that will drive people to maximumfund.org slash donate. I'll need my assistant to come put my cape over me after I say it. But get off your duff. We'll talk to you on Friday, May 28th, from 4 p.m. to midnight. Christ, that's going to be horrible.

I suggest that you not watch that because it is weird. Just going to get progressively more insane. Yeah. I think, how many hours do you think I've gotten me?

Maybe two hours, three hours before the madness starts to creep in? If that. Before you become too horny to function. Is there a bowling alley near the comic book store? We'll see you later on Jordan, Jesse, go.