Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 135: MaxFunMarathon with Andy Richter, Paul Scheer, Rob Huebel and Sarah Thyre

Episode Date: June 5, 2010

Selections from the MaxFunMarathon featuring Andy Richter, Sarah Thyre, Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer, plus Dave Shumka from Stop Podcasting Yourself.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddly, dumby, excerpts from the Max Fun Marathon, featuring some very awesome celebrities.

Let's go. Welcome, friends, to another Jordan, Jesse Go program. It is I, Jesse Thorne. Welcome, friends, to another Jordan Jesse Go program. It is I, Jesse Thorne. For those of you who don't know, and I don't know how you could if you're a regular Jordan Jesse Go listener, one week ago we held the Max Fun Marathon. It was our first ever eight-hour podcast.

We started at 4 o'clock in the afternoon and went until midnight. We were joined by our pal Dave Shumka from Stop Podcasting Yourself and literally 25 guests, including some folks we knew and loved and some folks we didn't know and some folks we kind of knew and people who'd been on the show before and people who hadn't. There was quite a variety of people. There were 50 people in the audience who came at the very beginning and stayed through to the very end, sitting on lightly padded folding chairs. Coco, the dog in the background. It was really a blast, and so we thought we would present to you, while I go on vacation, thank goodness, some highlights from the MaxFun Marathon, featuring first Sarah Thayer and Andy Richter, and then our old pals Rob Hubel and Paul Scheer.

Shall we introduce our next guests? Why don't we? You might know them from stage, from television. They're popularly known as Hollywood's number one power couple. Please welcome to the stage Sarah Thayer and Andy Richter.

Sarah and Andy, Sarah and Andy, making their way to the stage. Hello. Hey guys. Good to see you. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Sarah, I'm getting the feeling I can't say this for sure. Guess where I'm going when I'm in the show. All right, Andy, enough of your famous pratfalls. I can't say this for certain, but you look like maybe you got your hair did for the occasion. No, I did it myself. No, you did it yourself? I'm not a babysitter. Don't you know that you're Hollywood royalty did for the occasion. No, I did it myself. No, you did it yourself? I'm a babysitter. Don't you know that you're Hollywood royalty?

Yeah. Yeah, well, our salon room is being worked on. So she had to do it herself. You know, that's when you really know you've made it. You have your own shampoo sink in your bathroom. And by make it, she means become an asshole. And by shampoo sink, I means become an asshole. And by shampoo sink, I think she means bidet.

We can say asshole in other questions. I just did, baby. Go ahead. There are three racial slurs that you can say. Let's try and guess which ones they are. My bionic ear is perking up.

You cannot say guinea. Please don't. Well, you just did. So the show is now over. Goodbye. It don't. Well, you just did. So the show is now over. Goodbye. It's a pleasure to have you guys here. Sarah, we've been trying to get you on the Jordan Jesse Go program for many years, on and off. I know.

I've been so busy. Yeah. Slow drying my hair. You had. I've heard that one before. I think that the last time we tried to get you on the program, you had a Hollywood dinner meeting. Yes. Now that's serious when you've got a dinner meeting because certainly you'd expect to have –

I call all dinners that so I can write them off. And you have to make sure in case I'm an IRX tax enforcement professional. Exactly. You don't know. You never know who's going to do what. I'm putting in for an hourly wage for this. This is business. Well, you are union.

I'm billing the government. For some reason, Andy's microphone has gone vertical here. I changed it that way. Am I supposed to talk to the top of it? Yeah, this is a talk to the top microphone. Oh, I wanted it to be old-timey radio. Andy, if we go too long, do you get a meal penalty? No.

No, I saw snacks, so I'm fine. It's great to have you guys here. Andy, I saw that you're going to have your own television special. Yes. You're going to host a television special program. Well, I'm just hosting. It's not really mine. What is it?

Okay, now this is, I guess. If it was yours, only you would get to watch it. Right, exactly. Only I would get to watch it. Everyone else would leave the room. Shoot it. Write it. Your employer,, shoot it, write it. Your employer, the Conan O'Brien operation.

Yes. Conan O'Brien, the figurehead of this. It's the Conan O'Brien syndicate now. Now that you wiped out Murder, Inc. That's right. And by that I mean Irv Gotti and Ja Rule. They pretty much wiped themselves out. Changed their name to The Ink later.

The hip-hop references are lost on me. They're lost on this entire audience. I persist in making the hip-hop and sports references that are lost on upwards of 94% of our audience. Let me get things back on track. X-Men first class dream casting. I just saw in Google News today about Kanye West's

new album. And it was from MTV.com. But they called him Ye. Like apostrophe Ye. Like Yeezy. It's short for Yeezy. Is that done? What's the new one on me? Well, yay, I'll tell you this. In the Bay Area where I'm from, the San Francisco Bay Area.

Stop bragging. Yay is a popular thing to call cocaine. Yay is what you call cocaine. That's why it's colloquially known as the yay area. Because that's where E-40 makes all his money selling cocaine. Rapper E-40. Anyway. And actually, we just went into my meal penalty.

You guys know E-40, the politician, right? You'd know him for his quarterbacking. Okay. So I understand you have a television special. From Canada, Dave Shumka. Like the script supervisor? Yeah, that's right. I'm just trying to keep us on point.

He's the one that's got to get the video equipment to a wedding. It starts at midnight. It starts at midnight. It starts at midnight. Yes, the TBS television concern has... Turner Broadcasting System. Yes, they've gotten involved

with the Conan O'Brien Syndicate. Sure. And the writers from the Conan show. You've exchanged some guns for Buffalo. That's right. Smallpox all over the blanket. You've exchanged some guns for Buffalo. That's right. Smallpox all over the blanket. We're going to do a Writers of the Conan Show special on TBS, and I'm going to host it. Now, I assume that in part this is related to the fact that you're a well-known, charming television personality.

Yes, of course In part is it because Conan's not allowed to appear on television Or doesn't want to You know Burst the bubble of anticipation That's coming up, you want to build it, not burst it In the Conan O'Brien syndicate Our capo Understands That he's got to give

He's got to let everybody get their beak wet. Sure. Absolutely. So he's given us all a taste. Yeah. Word has come down from the capo de capi, Ted Turner, from his Montana bison farm. Right. That we should all start running our cars on algae.

That's his latest thing. Is that something that Ted Turner believes in? No, but he's really... First he said, I think, that the BP thing in the Gulf was God telling us to get off of oil. Which, what a dick. There's so

many other ways to tell us other than ruining the Gulf. Yeah, he could have just had a really amazing display of northern lights and then text on the sky. What about a super magnetic pulse that turns all the cars evil? And then clean burning coal steps in to save everything. It destroys the evil cars.

Clean coal industry. When you become a Turner Broadcasting System affiliate, do you spend any time with Mr. Ted Turner? I have not met Ted Turner. Not to my knowledge. I went to a book event. Our friend, a minor television personality and author, John Hodgman, was emceeing a book event at a big book conference convention here in Los Angeles. And the lineup was Hodgman was hosting it, and then the woman who wrote

Reading Books in Tehran, or what was that book called? Teaching Women in Tehran. Yeah, Reading Lolita in Tehran. She was there. She knows stuff for real, not just for jokes. If I remember...

Sarah, what's that like? What's that like to know stuff? I'll be the sober member of the panel. I think that there was also the guy who wrote The Kite Whisperer. Is that correct? The Kite Whisperer?

Kite Pray Love. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I was going to say Eat Pray Da Vinci Code. Oh, sorry. And the headliner of this event was Ted Turner. And so Hodgman walks out on stage, and this guy, I mean, we all know John Hodgman. This is an engaging, charming, hilarious man.

He knows his audience. He knows the book audience. He's got his finger on the pulse of the book world, the feeble pulse of the book world. Right. He's kind of like Neil Diamond to them. Yeah. He's got some great Dune to them. He's, yeah. He's got some great dune material

he's wheeling out there. Tonight! People are laughing. He's talking about spice and spice worms and people are just shitting their pants with delight at this.

And meanwhile, on the dais, reading Lolita in Tehran, she's enjoying it. The kite whisperer, he loves it. He's having a great time up there. And Ted Turner could not have a more hateful look on his face.

He's sitting there, and of course, there's only four people on the dais, and he's the famous one. He's the one who was married to Jane Fonda and has all the bison. So all eyes are on Ted, right? And he has this look on his face like, we've got cameras here, like one eyebrow raised. If I were to put it into words, I would say it would be loosely,

how dare you? Like as though he's insulted by the fact, maybe he's offended by mentions of Dune because he's really into the Farscape ethos. But it was really intense, and I was really worried. I was like, what is going horribly wrong? And I asked Hodgman about it.

Apparently, Ted Turner's hard of hearing couldn't hear any of the jokes, didn't know when to laugh., Ted Turner's hard of hearing couldn't hear any of the jokes. Didn't know when to laugh. You thought he was mean and he's just old. That was the story. What was amazing about it was that Ted Turner went up at the end. He's the closing

speaker of this thing. He goes up and he's not... You can understand why he remains on the board but isn't running the show anymore. He's not 1,000 percent coherent. Right, sure. He has a significant amount of coherence. Right. He has stretches. His speech was composed of discrete stretches of coherence.

Right. He's threatening to fight people, not imaginary characters that might be not in the audience. Right. If I were to paraphrase Ted Turner's speech at this book conference, it would be, hey, I've done a lot of fucking. And you don't expect a billionaire to go up and just say that. Did he have charts? to go up and just say that. Did he have charts?

Are you sure he wasn't just threatened by John Hodgman's alpha male? Like, I'm the only alpha male at this book conference. I'm top dog. It's what I must imagine the set of The Expendables was like with Jason Statham and Sylvester Stallone in the same room. Dolph Lundgren. Dolph Lundgren was there. I think the thing of it is, is that any time you're at a book conference, there's going to be a super masculine pissing contest.

Right, sure. You know? Sure. And Hodgman's going to win that contest every time. Absolutely. Unless he goes up against Elizabeth Gilbert. If Elizabeth Gilbert is there... Is she a rapper?

I don't know who that is either. I think she played Darlene in Roseanne. Dave, I'm going to ask for the balance of this afternoon and evening's program that any time I make an illusion that no one should be expected to get, that you just assume that you're not getting it because you're from Canada. Right, okay. And that way I'll at least have one guy on my side.

You just ride a little Lyft or whatever in your head, have some biscuits. That's England. Can I double back topics just a little bit? Absolutely, please do. Sarah, I have a question for you. Wait, I don't know if we have time. Do we actually have time?

We have eight hours short. I thought we had segmented this in a way. We're going to be talking about whether or not it's a good idea to buy your insurance from the auto club pretty soon. Sure. Apple juice, orange juice, I can't

figure it out out I one time Was watching Because I just don't do enough gay things I watched The Orange County PBS stations Fundraiser Where they were showing a Mitzi Gaynor documentary And Mitzi was there

Herself So that these fawning hosts could ask her questions. And it was all her television specials, and it was, like, called Mitzi's a Poppin' or something like that. And it was really quiet energy. Everything's coming up, Mitzi?

It was fantastic, but they were asking her for her Hollywood reminiscences, and before each one, she would go, do we have time? Can I tell this? Can I tell this?

Is it okay if I tell this? And I just, by the eighth time she said that, I was like, that's the only fucking reason you're there, is to tell this. Maybe they need to cut to an episode of Are You Being Served? Can I tell this now? Yes, I just asked you to tell it, Mitzi. Do you think parents, here's my question. We need to go back to what you were going to say. I have a Mitzi. Do you think parents... Here's my question. We need to go back to what you were going to say. I have a Mitzi question.

I'm the host of this program. We're going to get back to Jordan's thing. I have a Mitzi question. I'm sorry. I knew what I was doing when I mentioned Mitzi Gaynor. Now, somebody might name their child like, you know, Electric Star or something because they want them to become a Hollywood

celebrity. I thought you were going to say. Right. Well, sure. Do you think that parents name their child Mitzi in hopes that they'll become a gay icon? Or do you think that aspiring gay icons change their name to Mitzi? I bet you Mitzi is, well, if we have someone on the computer. It's the most popular purse dog name in the world.

It's got to be. And I bet you Mitzi maybe chose that one for herself. Or had some. Mitzi Shore, too. Yeah, but I don't think she was a gainer. I think she was probably like a, you know, something long and Slavic before. Right. She was a gainer.

I wish we'd done Jordan's thing. Nah. Well, son, you go and you watch this special, and then you come back and you say that. Jordan, what was that topic? Hold on. Let's all see if we can find the special online. Let's all watch it together and then redo this conversation.

That was pretty good. I'm not sure if this is Mitzi Gaynor related or not, but I once went to a smoking cessation hypnotist who someone told me was related to her. But it's totally unsubstantiated. But I went to him, and I so did not. It was like three visits, and you will never smoke again. And the first visit, all he did was show me photographs of black lungs,

which I was like, pfft, saying worse. You know, I mean, I totally just wanted to find reasons to keep smoking. You grew up in coal country. Yes. Yeah, coal miners' daughter, the discarded organs. The second visit. A common refrain in your house was, you ain't working hard enough. Your spit ain't black.

The first visit, I was criticizing his decor. And the second visit, he had shaving cream in his ear. And I was like, what a slob. Maybe he needed to see a shaving cream in the ear. Exactly. I was just looking. But the third visit, I asked if I could use his bathroom. And his faucets on his bathroom sink, one was the female symbol and one was the male symbol.

And he had a water pick, which is, that's a big tip off. Who has water picks anymore? Yeah. But the worst part. In their office, specifically. It had what looked like a pubic hair on it. And when I saw that, I a pubic hair on it. And when I saw that, I was like, that's it.

So you think he's possibly. I'm so leaving here and smoking. That was my reason to not quit smoking, was to criticize that he had a pubic on his water. So did you have a theory about why it was on there? Is he grooming his? No, I didn't want to know. How does a. Well, let's all theorize now.

And we can just move on. How does a water pick, now I know a water pick is a kind of electric toothbrush. Does it literally shoot water into your teeth? It shoots water into your teeth, your taint, wherever. Wherever you, you know, at some point during the day in your office, wherever you need it to shoot. Right. But I still don't understand how it's Mitzi Gaynor related. I don't think I can say legally. Oh, all right.

Never mind. Moving on. Oh, he was like a third cousin of Mitzi Gaynor. Okay, gotcha. Am I the only one who doesn't know who Mitzi Gaynor is? She's actually doing a show in New York right now called My Life Behind the Sequins. And I've heard it's really good, but she's not in good voice. Canada's straight, apparently.

She's in the United States. Enjoy your nickelback. If I could explain it to you, in the United States, Dave, she's sort of a Jean Chrétien type person. She was your prime minister. Yeah. Prime minister of fabulousness. Yeah. Yeah.

Prime Minister of Fabulousness. No, she was a singer and dancer. Okay. Any relation to Gloria Gaynor? Do not think so. No. Any relation to the smoking cessation? No.

Smoking cessation. Maybe that was her puke. Yeah, it was. Smoking cessation legend waterpik butt it was sparkly puke could have been hers I've often considered that if podcasting

and public radio hosting doesn't work out for me in the long term that maybe I could make a play to be a gay icon because it seems like a great gig right

because we're listening you guys could you guys either one of you guys could make this move Because it seems like a great gig. Right? We're listening. Either one of you guys could make this move. For God's sake. You were on Strangers with Candy, Sarah. I know. I'm already semi-gay. You're 75% of the way.

You just got to close the deal. The more expensive the shoe department, the more people are like, oh my God, I can't believe it's you. I know. From Strangers with Candy. Oh, nice. Yeah. But if you're walking into a Payless, they't believe it's you. I know. From Strangers with Candy. Oh, nice. Yeah. But if you're walking into a Payless, they're just brushing you off.

I know. That's why I don't shop there. No, really, the tinier the glasses gay guy. Yeah. When the lenses are like pupil size. Yeah, yeah. They zero in on me immediately. Oh my god, it's you.

I mean, there's precedent for this. I mean, look at, for example, Margaret Cho. Margaret Cho was a pupil size. Yeah, yeah. They zero in on me immediately. Oh, my God, it's you. I mean, there's precedent for this. I mean, look at, like, for example, Margaret Cho. Margaret Cho was a successful comedian. She was a very hot young comedian at one point, you know, in the era of the hot young comedian where everybody was getting a sitcom late in the everyone's getting a sitcom era. She had a bad experience making a sitcom. She retrenched, considered her options, and thought, look, I've already got Korean people on lock.

On lock is actually a Korean name. Yeah. It's a Korean rapper. Yeah. So we had that. That was all set, right? And during her retrenchment, she said, gay icon. Yeah, but she's very open about being bisexual and stuff, too.

Well, I'm not unwilling to. I mean, I'm happily married, but. You would have to get tattoos and a spray tan, I would think. Really? Maybe you can get a tattoo of a spray tan. Of a tanning bed. A. Of a tanning bed. A tattoo of a tanning bed. You've heard of permanent makeup.

Yeah. Well, I don't know. I mean, do you think I could possibly become... I mean, I'm only somewhat effete, but I am somewhat effete, and I'm not... Emoticon. I'm not that fabulous.

I'm not that fabulous, but I am, you know, I mean, you know, I'm a little bit. But you're straight. I am straight. That's true. See, how many, can you name any straight men who are gay icons? Straight male gay icons? Ooh. Well, I mean, there's-

Liberace. He never found the right girl. He didn't find the right girl. He died looking for her. He did. Confirmed bachelor. Have you guys ever been to the Liberace Museum? No, but my grandmother used to go every year.

Really? Annually? To bring us playing cards and stuff from there. She loved it. Because remember, Dennis Frank got married at the Liberace Museum. We went to a party there. We went to a wedding, yeah. Yeah, we went to a party there.

But they had cleared out all the exhibits. There is a bathtub in the foyer. There's a bathtub in the foyer. There's a house with shitty paintings. Not even a single framed cape. Nothing like that. It was for banquets only.

I went to the, I don't know if they have a Canadian Liberace Museum. I presume they do. It's Burton Cummings. That's a prime minister, I presume. No, that's from Guess Who. Nickelback. The Liberace Museum is in a strip mall in Las Vegas.

And I went there when it was fully operational. And I have to say, considering that it's a museum in a strip mall... I'm sorry that occurred to me. That was great. I appreciate it. Well, I am. Given that it was a museum in a strip mall, I had a great time.

It was a nice museum. They got some nice vehicles in there. They got some nice outfits in there. We got a lot of stuff about him not finding the right guy. She's a nice museum. They got some nice vehicles in there. They got some nice outfits in there. We got a lot of stuff about him not finding the right guy. Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl.

You said guy. What a funny gaffe. One of your classic trademark malapropisms. I'm the Joe Biden of podcasting. Yeah. But I really was worried because there are two groups of, there are these volunteers, just like in any museum, there's those kind of volunteers that work the counters. Docents. The docents, precisely.

And the docents were old ladies, like I presume your grandmother, the kind of ladies who saw Liberace as a kind of Justin Bieber for adults. Sort of a romantic but asexual. My grandma would go to his shows and throw panties and stuff like that. Absolutely. They really thought they had a chance. She kind of looked like Liberace. So did the panties have like a hotel room number? Like when you throw a panty, what happens?

Like what next? I don't know. I think the act, that's the culmination. It's not supposed to go any further. Okay, that's not a prelude to a sexual experience. I've been at a Tom Jones concert where a negligee is thrown on stage, and it didn't seem to, unless there was some sort of code that was going on that he could somehow pick every third letter on the label

and find a hotel room. It just seemed to be about showing love. Sure, okay. It's a type of hat for roadies. It's like clapping your hands, but kind of gross. When you throw panties on stage,

I know you guys both do, I say, when one throws panties on stage, I know you guys both do, I say when one throws panties on stage, does one bring extra panties to throw? Hurling panties? I should think so. I think so. And I bet you pick out the ones you're not going to wear. I don't think any woman would take the risk of throwing panties that she's worn.

But isn't the whole idea that you're wearing panties, and you're just so overcome by Tom Jones' horniness, your own horniness in Tom Jones' presence that you tear them off and chuck them at him. Yeah, I thought that's the premise of the whole thing. Come on, explain it, Andy. But I didn't see any panties getting removed. Jordan, you'd say, though, that's just an old janitor with a push broom. Yeah, no, no, no.

That's my life. I think Tom Jones sings and they just fall off. They just drop down. And fly through the air. Yeah, from under the support hose, out over the... You know what? We saw Tom Jones in Costa Mesa when we were courting, and he was pretty sexy. Really?

I have to say, yeah. Sexier than and he was pretty sexy. Really? Yeah. Sexier than Andy Richter? Yes. I mean like he's way hairier. And he did it so mindlessly but in the song Delilah, you know the part why, why, why Delilah

and then I put my knife. Of course. I know all the parts of Tom Jones songs. And every time he says the line about like, you know, I stuck my knife. Of course, I know all the parts of Tom Jones songs. And every time he says the line about like, you know, I stuck my knife in and she laughed no more. And every time he did it, he did this gesture with the pinky out just like this and then stabbed. So his idea of stabbing a woman is like, you put the knife handle out, you pick it up very flamboyantly.

He sort of stabs a woman in the same way that the queen would hold a teacup. Yes, exactly. Or, you know, yeah, that the queen would, like, serve tea to a dragon, you know. He was completely pummeled with panties right after he did that each time. At the Liberace Museum, the old ladies, you're worried that you're going to disillusion them by making a crack too loud about how outrageously gay every single thing in the entire place is. But then I had this interaction in the gift shop. My wife and I were in the gift shop, and this excited, maybe I'd say clean-cut 40-year-old-ish man comes up to us.

You know, he looks maybe much like a Dave Shumka is dressed right now. He's wearing a blue blazer but no tie. He's got a pocket square in there. He's looking good. He's a little cleaner up top than Dave Shumka is, but maybe it's an American version of Dave Shumka. And he's not this wilderness trapping type of shirt. That mountain man Dave Shumka.

Going on out in Vancouver. Yeah. And this gentleman comes up to us and he says, oh, hello, it's so great to see you here. And we were like, I'm wondering, like, does he recognize me from the HD FM station that I'm on here in Las Vegas? Like, is he one of the 50 people with an HD radio in his car?

And also he took the time to look up my picture. I'm like, I'm really impressed that they're excited to see me. He says, well, we don't get a lot of young people here. I was like, oh, I get it. I'm 28 and I'm relatively young. He says, hey, would you guys add us on Facebook?

He heard about Facebook and he wanted us to be friends with Liberace. If you guys would take the time to YouTube us, that would be great. But this guy, in contrast to the old ladies. So the old ladies, I felt like I was confident of where they stood. I felt like they were sex symbol, romance symbol. Sexually oblivious.

Exactly. They were in the he's straight camp. Yeah. This guy, he introduced himself. He said he was the boss of the whole museum. Sure. He was the director of the museum. And a very sweet guy.

He wasn't outrageous in any way, but he was a raving queen. He was a lisping, mincing, the sophisticated kind, not the kind that's always yelling different stuff, the kind that wears... That's our other racial slur! Good night, folks! The kind in a nice blazer.

Right. You know what I mean? Not the kind that's making an issue of his cultural identity. He never said girlfriend. Under his breath. No, but, you know, he was a, this was a femi-gentleman that reasonably could not have been a heterosexual man. And so my, what I wondered is, where on the scale does this guy stand? Because this guy is running the operation,

and he's in charge of all these nice ladies, and clearly the narrative of the museum is he just never found the right girl. But wasn't he out? I mean, didn't he end up after? He was not out. I think he died in. Never ever even.

He died in. But he had a lover who he had had, who made his lover have plastic surgery to look like him. Yeah. I'm sorry, excuse me? Things that were not in the Liberace Museum but should have been for 200, please, Dave Shumka. Did you not know that?

I'm sorry, I did not. Yeah. It's the guy that sued him. There was this chauffeur. Oh, yeah. He had plastic surgery and he, they ended up both at those big smiling, Was this like a Saddam Hussein situation? He was concerned about a plastic surgery.

He was afraid of being murdered. It was Stockholm Syndrome. You know how it is. You really, you know, when you're having sex with someone, you just wish they looked exactly like you. You know. Yeah, you try to, you know, you try to buy similar hats. Right, right, exactly. And it doesn't work. Yeah, put try to buy similar hats. Right, right. Exactly.

And it doesn't work. Yeah, put up weird mirror contraptions just to try and mirror over their face. Or a headshot with the eyes cut out. A headshot with the eyes and a mouth cut out. If you're cheap. That only works for so long. And then you've got to get a new headshot. I have to say that I'm not entirely 100% confident that if I were to do some gay stuff, that I wouldn't want to do it with a dude that looks like me.

I'm not saying that I definitely would want to do it with a guy that looks like me. But thinking about it right now, I don't see why I wouldn't want to. It sounds cool. No, if I venture over into gay stuff, it's going to be with an overweight Eskimo. It's going to be my total opposite. I think, Jesse, if you really want to become a gay icon, you could do it by starting a Liberace museum

that has all the things that aren't in the real Liberace museum. Why do you give those ideas away? Sorry. We have bills to pay. Another year in the poorhouse. So we're going to have, maybe if you need more stuff, we're going to have, like, you know, the shocking things that aren't in the regular Liberace

Museum. The plastic surgery, the gay lovers. Then you can have some stuff that's just, like, not true, like his medieval torture devices or something. Sure. This is Liberace's Iron Maiden. Yes. The Museum of Liberace Technology. Sure. Well, the curator

of the museum, they're, in all likelihood, he was married with children. And probably, you know, because there is some pretty cuckoo closeted people out there who you just find out. But you know what? Growing up in the South, it's interesting because I knew a lot of gay people growing up who weren't out gay. And they didn't seem to be particularly in gay either in the closet. They just kind of lived that way. And they were confirmed bachelors. And what made people uncomfortable was pointing it out and talking about it.

Yeah, if they shoved that gay shit in their faces. It's like, yeah, why are you talking about it all the time? And then my mom is oblivious in that way. She's real involved in the community theater in the small town, and she's like, you've got to meet Tony. We need to find him a girlfriend. And I'll just be like,

Tony, the guy who can put his ankles behind his head and walk on his hands? No, I don't know, Mom. He doesn't know that that's a good sexual position. But it would be. But, like, she's oblivious. He's over helping her sew. Can we clarify this scenario, Sarah?

I'm just going to get a little deeper into Tony. So Tony is a closeted gay man, but he doesn't know he's gay. He's been limbering up for lo these many years, but not so that he can do gay stuff. But if he did do gay stuff, it would be great for the gay stuff that he would do. But it's great because when he finally decides he's gay, he's not going to cramp up.

Right. Because he's been getting limber. It's kind of like the Jamaican bobsled team. They had no idea how good they were because they were from Jamaica. Yeah. God, have you ever had the fantasy of being from a country that has, where one of the problems of the country is insufficient Olympic competitors? That's pretty much my only dream.

That's my only dream. Like, that's a wonderful thing to have. Like, just be, because in there are those. Just be a rich asshole in Andorra. Yeah. I play badminton. And you can do, like, you can pick anything. It's sort of like how, for a while there,

Gina Davis was an Olympic hopeful in archery. Oh, yeah. And only very, was ranked in the number of people that would get onto the Olympic team, but was only narrowly eliminated because they have, like, an elimination round. Right. But I feel like there's those kind of like princes of Abu Dhabi

that are in the biathlon competition because they spend all their time in Monaco. Yes. On the slopes of Monaco or whatever. Right. In geography class. Or did they just murder the competition? Right. But that would be great

You could pick any sport you wanted If you're Abu Dhabi I mean, you couldn't You probably couldn't pick like, you know 4x4, you know, swim relay Right Like that one There's probably good

There's probably a few Well, you have to at least have done high school swimming Right But if that's what it is The Abu Dhabi 4x4 relay team is just one really rich fat guy. And when he gets back to the end of the pool, he just tags himself in. Tags himself in, puts on a mustache, dives back in the water. This guy can afford as many mustaches as he wants.

Sure, absolutely. That's the financial barrier to getting into this. And he can make an island shaped like a poem. If you look at it from the air. I'd like to participate in an Olympic sport, possibly hammer throwing. Is that something you got? I lie.

You know what I found out? It's not just like hammers. It's a very specific thing. It's not just like hardware store hammers. Found that out the hard way. And you parked far away. You lugged the hammers to the stadium. Lugged a whole bag of them.

Plotted out my different distances. My top is melting onto your chair. I'm sorry. Excuse me? When I leave here, I'm going to do something really gay. You'll be interested. I'm sorry. Excuse me? When I leave here, I'm going to do something really gay. You'll be interested. I'm going. Or you've got to pretend to be if you want to be a gay icon.

Let's talk, girlfriend. I'm going to see Sex and the City with a group of women. So I'm wearing a rubber bustier that I bought at Patricia Fields about 20 years ago. And it's really disgusting. And look. I'm like alien. I said to her is it supposed to do that?

No but you know I mean it's plastic. Come on. It's lasted this long. Yeah and that's what she said to me then and it seemed crazy then. It's great. It's like that super I'm wearing garbage. Big deal. Well so do they in the movie. No they are garbage

Andy what are your plans? You're not going to this thing I'm going to go home And eat Zanku with my children Oh okay That sounds fun Zanku's a nice chicken For those of you who are in the

Murder chicken Southern California area It's got a nice garlic sauce Oh yeah that creamy garlic sauce Do you think that garlic sauce is something that's worse than butter with just, like, garlic flavor in it? I think it's just margarine and butter. Yeah, I think so.

It's just like frozen canola oil or something. It's pretty shocking that garlic and fat might taste delicious. It's super hydrogenated. Well, guys, I don't want to keep you any longer since you have Sex and the City 2 to go to. Please keep me. You made your bed to lie in two and a half hours of it. Can we just do a quick exploration? What's your relationship to Sex and the City?

You kind of sound like you don't want to do this. You know, I'm kind of fascinated by it because it enables women to hate each other so viciously. Either hate people who hate it, or hate people who love it, or hate the people in the movie. There was an incredible review in Seattle's

paper, The Stranger, that this woman wrote that was all about, like, if this is feminism, sew up all my holes right now. She called, should I do spoiler alert? She thinks the difference between a feminist and a non-feminist is operating holes. Well, no. Functional holes.

Her point was, they go to a Muslim country in the movie. And Kim Cattrall's character offends everyone. And she put it in the review she said like after after they've repeatedly told her to cover her breasts and her mom's pubis in public and she repeatedly says she's not then she you know like rips off her clothes in the public square or something spoiler alert sorry i haven't even seen it yet she punches a Quran. She does something. A fist comes out of her vagina. And all the women.

Valentino designed for her a gown. All the women take their burqas off, and they're all wearing what, in this review, the woman says, the same shitty, expensive cloth and feathers over their emaciated goblin shoulders. It's just delicious. It's like candy. I feel like the movie's existence, it's going to be terrible. It's going to be two and a half hours of just horrible stuff. But, hey, it's a night out. It's a night away from the kids.

But I feel like the movie's existence is redeemed by the awesome reviews of how horrible it is. A.O. Scott's in the New York Times was great, too. Dana Stevens in Slate is quite good, as well. But, yes, I did a little schadenfreude-y Sex and the City 2 review looking at it. See, now they hate it, too. You guys hate it, right? You hate Sex and the City. You hate anything about it.

My wife, who's an otherwise quite sensible woman, watched the entire run of Sex and the City. She bought it on DVD. I made her sell it after she watched it because I didn't want to look at it. She watched the entire thing. You could just put it on a shelf and ignore it. I couldn't ignore it. It was like, look at me. You had to make some money out of it.

Yeah. At least. Well, I didn't watch it when it was on TV originally because we had just moved away from New York and I'd had a baby. So I was like, I can't handle watching that. Too much sex and the city. Yeah, it's going to make me. No, I just felt like it would make me miss New York and resent the life that I lost by having a child. And miss gays.

And miss gays. I didn't have any new gays, fresh gays out here yet. So I didn't watch it for a long time. She tears them off like paper towels. And then I started watching it, and he would sit down on the sofa next to me and just be like, ugh, ugh, ugh. And I would tell him, you have to get the fuck out of the room. Because, yes, I know it's shit.

Leave me alone with my shit. I want to watch it. So I did watch a part of it. You had a few shows. But not religious. Our pal Jen Kirkman, we invited Jen Kirkman to come on this program. The very funny comedian Jen Kirkman. She has an entire agenda built around the premiere of Sex and the City 2.

She was like, I got to go to Sex and the City 2. Oh, well, there you go. See, we're having dinner, probably some cocktails. It's going to be really gay. What showing are you going to do? Come back and fuck this place up. We're going to the Arclight, and the only row they had left was the front row. So we have this sit.

I said, hey, maybe we can see up their skirts. But we're going to have this sit like this for two and a half hours. Jen gave me the impression when I corresponded with her about this, that while she's aware of what Sex and the City is, she's on board. I didn't get the impression that she was going to make fun. She knows what it is, awful. But she wasn't going to be like, oh, this is awful.

What about you? Like I said, to me, it's like a social engagement. I went to the first one. You're seeing your four best friends from New York. Yes, exactly. I wore this to the first movie, and we actually had two guys come with us, and we saw it in the afternoon.

We went out and had drinks afterwards and we saw it in the afternoon. We went out and had drinks afterwards and just ripped the whole thing apart. That's what the fun of it is. So I need to do some ripping tonight. Thanks.

This thing is not going to make it to SATC3. I don't think. It is our hope, Sarah. Hopefully you can at least make it to the Ren Fair. Right.

Well, I actually also wore it because this is a comic book store and all these comic nerds, guys, It is our hope, Sarah. Hopefully you can at least make it to the Ren Fair. Well, I actually also wore it because this is a comic book store and all these comic nerds guys, you guys like this plastic-y shit, right? Yeah, nerds. Fellas. You're practically gay. Well, we hope that you have a... Or gay with worse hair. We wish you all the best at Sex and the City 2.

And Andy, we wish you all the best at Zancou Chicken. Thank you. Thank you. As sung about by Beck, Sarah Thire and Andy Richter, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you guys so much for coming. A pleasure to have you. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It'll be like Charles Barkley after he dunked on Godzilla. Pleasure to have you.

You'll be like Charles Barkley after he dunked on Godzilla. Did you read on the internet? I'm going to hold this. We're going to talk for a minute about Space Jam. Okay. In just a second. But I want to bring our guests on. Yes. Because they're two of our absolute favorite guests.

Oh, I've got a topic for these fellas. Okay. You might know these guys from their MTV television program, The Human Giant. You might know them from 30 Rock or The Office or any live stage programs, all kinds of things. Too early! Too early! Too early!

You're ruining it! Please welcome to this stage... Please welcome to this stage Please welcome to this stage Rob Hubel and Paul Scheer Nice Good evening So happy to have you dudes up here with us Thanks, we're doing a marathon

We're hitting a bunch of different podcasts You'd be surprised how many are going on this weekend Yeah, this is our 15th right now. I'm exhausted. This is not an original idea. What you're doing is bullshit. I've been going since 10 o'clock. Well, there I guess we're having a different idea.

We are going on podcasts for 15 different hours. They're just doing one. What's weird is – That's what I'm saying. They're a whole – Wow, are you this shitty to all the podcasts? Like when you start out like a huge asshole? What's odd about –

What are you sponsored by? Dr. Pepper? Some bullshit like that? Most podcasts are sponsored by liquor. You guys are on this podcast tour, but you said

this is 15, but one through 14 were all Coffee Break language course podcasts. Well, that's true. Coffee Break Spanish, Czech, Malagasy,

Tagalog. Our Malagasy is very good. We have a huge Tagalog audience. So I guess where's the bar? Like if we wanted to, you know, we want you guys to leave here on the way to your next podcast as the best. Where's the bar? Well, they're already the best. What would you have to do to make this the best?

Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah. We would have to see your guys' tits. Okay, all right. To me, it was a lot simpler. I just needed to get a Dr. Pepper with Don Cheadle on it. Some chips. That's all I needed. Wow.

Oh, wow. Oh, there. Whoa. Okay, sure. That was one. We totally did it. Yeah, it was tit. You know what this operation's about?

Making dreams come true. Rob, you're welcome. That was scary. So guys, I don't know if this is a, you know, secret skull and bones thing that you're not supposed to talk about or not, but you guys, maybe from what I understand, had a Vegas vacation recently. Oui. Paul, do you want to comment on that? Yeah,, had a Vegas vacation recently. Oui.

Paul, do you want to comment on that? Yeah, we had a Vegas. Paul's the married person, so I have nothing to lose here. Oh, sure. We had a Vegas vacation. We loved the movie The Hangover. We wanted to relit it. Do this.

Let's do it. Let's go and have a lot of fun. Let's go fuck Mike Tyson. Let's go and fuck him. We tried to. We run a tour where we try to recreate the events of The Hangover in a double-decker bus. Sounds really funny. It's a lot of fun.

We look at Ken Jeong's ding-dong. It's not Ken Jeong. It's a guy who looks like Ken Jeong who will be naked for you. You got to tip him a lot. It was fun, actually. We did have a good time in all seriousness. We just went out there to mess around, and Rob Riggle went with us also. Was this comedy royalty only, or were other people invited?

Normals, as I call them. We were just hanging out. And I think it was just like none of us had been blackout drunk in a long time. So it was a safe place. Vegas is a very safe place to go and get blackout drunk. Sure, because every place you're in has a contingency plan for it. You're like, oh, this guy blacked drunk. Sure, because every place you're in has a contingency plan for it. You're like, oh, this guy blacked out. Well, the best part of my part of the Vegas trip

was watching someone convince somebody else, and I'll keep these people nameless, but it wasn't Rob or I, sign a credit card receipt for a lot of money being drunk out of their mind. And he not only held the flashlight, but helped maneuver the gentleman's hand to get the signature. So that was pretty great. I was like, wow, that wasn't even a problem.

Was this at a strip bar? It was a professional, personal entertainment. It may have been at a strip bar. Did you know that if you spend a certain amount of money at a strip bar, you have to do a thumbprint? You really have to do that. So you can't get up and say, I stole my credit card.

You don't need to spend $15,000 on four bottles of So that's what our friend did, and we let that happen. No, congratulations, guys. I did look over at the price and went, ooh, he's gonna regret that in the morning. And then I went back to drinking my $10 drink.

And you said, keep fucking Tyson. We also shot Machine guns We went to a gun range Where you can shoot Like literally Any gun It's so dangerous

We were We were still drunk I'm sure we were still drunk We were definitely still drunk We planned We planned a lot of activities For the day after Our blackout drunk

So like All of a sudden We went to bed at 7 And then woke up around noon to go out and race cars. So that was the first stop. So we're still all drunk. Just pick the loudest activity you can.

And this is not like racing go-karts. This is like crazy go-karts. Like Indy 500 cars. You have to put on a face mask and then put a helmet on over the face mask because you could wipe out and hurt yourself. Yeah, it's where Dale Earnhardt died. Wow.

In Vegas. At pole position. But yeah, one of the guys... He was wearing a yard of margarita around his neck, driving a go-kart. When you say pole position, is that the strip club or the racetrack? It's doubles. One of the guys that was with us actually had to pull over after a few laps and just be like, no, come get me.

They had to pull him off the course. Yeah, they had to come and get him off. He was just too drunk to do it. He was too drunk. So then after that, we were like, well, the best way to finish off that drunk is to then shoot semi-automatic weapons. Something else totally loud. So we went to this gun range. What the fuck, I'm cheese.

And this gun range has, it's really interesting. They have all these targets. It's an indoor gun range, and they have all these targets on the wall that you can have. And it's really crazy. They have like target, it's really racist. Well, some of them are like, you know, the bad guy, you know, just a guy looking mean. It's like a cartoon character. But then like the ones that are sold out are like the woman.

The woman is sold out. It's always sold out. It's sold out. Always. You can't get the woman. So weird. And she has a little word bubble that says, hold my purse while I try this on. It's always sold out. I did see someone.

There's another one where there's a man holding a woman by the throat. Oh, okay. And he has a gun. And then I saw some kid come out with his finished target. He's like, look what I did. And he just shot the woman. And totally saved the bad guy. The only ones where you don't feel too

guilty, they now have cartoonish ones where they're Nazi zombies. So no one feels bad about that. Well, except the mother of those Nazi zombies. But anyway, it was a lot of fun. So we also work for the Vegas tourism board. Get on it.

Get on it. What happens in Vegas, you know the rest. Well, it's great. It's awesome to have you guys here. How long has this been going on, or how long does it go on? We're in the latter half of hour three. We've got five hours ahead of hour three. Okay. We've got five hours ahead of us.

Where do you guys go to the bathroom? We've got sneak-a-leeks. I have my friend Matt Dobbs. If that's not a real thing, that should be a real thing. Here's the thing. My friend Matt Dobbs, who actually was the original, originally held down Jordan's chair in the Sound of Young America 10 years ago for two weeks before he had signed up for a class that conflicted. The original co-host of the Sound of Young America ten years ago for two weeks before he had signed up for a class that

conflicted. The original co-host of the Sound of Young America, his dad, this is the University of California, Santa Cruz. His father, Mr. Dobbs, he preferred to be called Mr. Dobbs, ran a mail order business out of his home, and he mail ordered

Latin American folk art and sneak-a-leeks. So what is a sneak-a-leek? So a sneak-a-leek is a catheter and bag system that a gentleman— You've got to put a straw up your— Yeah, can you do that yourself? Yeah, you can. I will tell you that you can.

Thank you. Just find a bathroom at that point. You have to put a thumbprint afterwards. And basically, it's like, I think the main audience of this is like a long-haul trucker. Okay. Who doesn't want to pee in a jar, so he just puts the catheter in his wee-wah and pees into the jug that's attached to the... I don't think truckers call it their wee-wah. I gotta jam this thing in a wee-wah. and peas into the jug that's attached to the... I don't think truckers call it their WeWa. I gotta jam this thing in a WeWa. That is what truckers call it.

That's trucker talk. That's CB radio talk. They would say, I got the catheter in my WeWa, and then the other one would say, 10-4, good buddy. Why are you telling me this? Why are you... I thought that... There was a Comedy Central show long ago that never got on the air.

Oh, God, you always have to plug shit. You know, Comedy Central really is the home of comedy. It's always been the home of comedy. And, you know, tune in tonight and just watch a bunch of great stuff. And it was a show where they had like weird inventions. And this one invention that we demonstrated was called the bumper dumper. And you would attach a toilet seat to your bumper

and then you could just poop wherever you wanted. You'd have to drive away very quickly too, I guess. Wait, what do you mean? It would just go through the toilet thing and then it would just go to the ground? Yeah, so you didn't have to... Why don't you just turn around

and hold on to the bumper? Well, because I feel like you want the seat. You want to trick your ass into thinking that. You're like, I'm civilized. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I need to let it sit on the ground. And you drive off.

What a great way to, you know, just pop out. And then also to take that seat out and put it there. You have to really be away from a lot of people because you are just taking the crap on the ground. I imagined it being stuck to the bumper the whole time. That's great. Like a bike rack that's always there. Yeah, that would be awesome. Yeah, it says you have an outdoorsy lifestyle just like the bike rack does.

Yeah, exactly. It's the kind of thing you'd see in a sport utility vehicle commercial. I wonder if the bumper-dumper still exists. I think it probably does. Can we get, we got somebody, Mariel's back there on the internet,

I think. Bumper dumper. She's monitoring, she's checking in with the chat room. Let's take a look at Google bumper dumper. I'm sure it's

a millionaire now. Everyone's using them. I'm confused. I'm confused. I'm confused. I'm confused about this audience too. Like,

who are you guys? Like, why are you, do you live here? Who is here at 4 o'clock? There's a mic over there so I'm just going to step up and tell us what

your fucking deal is. Were you guys shopping here? Most of these people have been here. If you've been here since 4 p.m., how about a round of applause? If you've been here

since 4 p.m., that's almost everybody. Now the people at home can't see it, but there's about 900 people here. 900 people. Most of them celebrities. Yeah, the pidge home can't see it, but there's about 900 people here. 900 people. Most of them celebrities.

Yeah, most of them. You've got the Pidgeolies over there. Bruce Willis. Conrad Bain. Surprised we made it out today. Sure. After the show, Diablo Cody. Too soon.

I said nothing about the gentleman that's in question. Conrad Bain played the father of Gary Coleman on a TV show, Different Strokes. I was surprised to see him here, but I'm glad that he held his appointment. Wow. This will air in like a month. Which do you think is more offensive? Wait, hold on. Does everyone in the audience not know that Gary Coleman died?

Yeah, Gary Coleman died. What a way to learn. I need to be the... 40... I hate for Paul Scheer to break the TV. I didn't say a thing about Gary Coleman.

Never uttered bad... I said Conrad Bain. We were talking about Hollywood celebrities. I hate for Paul Scheer to break the TV like this. Gary Coleman is 42 years old. He passed away.

Paul, they're leaving. Everyone is leaving. They're rushing out of the building. In one year. My mom works in the maternity ward of a hospital, and she... Name dropper. She delivered Gary Colbert's...

My mom's in the Conrad Baines business. Sure. And she talked about how, you know, nine months after the 9-11 attacks, you know, five times as many babies as they usually have. I'm sure this will be a similar thing. I'm sure that's where everyone was rushing to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. To fuck their loved one. To make... babies as they usually have. I'm sure this will be a similar thing. I'm sure that's where everyone was rushing to. To fuck their loved one. To have Gary Coleman's death babies. I did read... Did you read a funny tweet? I read, yeah. I didn't think it was that bad. What? Oh, I didn't read that one.

The bad news is that many of the babies will be named in honor of Gary Coleman, and they'll be named Webster. The one thing I saw on Twitter today that was, it was like, you know, you can click on like a Twitter feed of everybody writing on one topic. And the topic was Gary Coleman, end of an era. And everyone just kept on saying it's the end of an era. And I was like, really? The era of ironic cameos? I don't know what that era was.

And no offense to Gary Coleman, but it just seemed like a bold proclamation. Like, that's the end of an era. The end of the innocence. I really am always floored how quickly people make jokes about it, yourself included. I was very proud. I didn't make any jokes on Twitter. I didn't make a about it. Yourself included. I was very proud. I didn't make any jokes on Twitter. I didn't make a joke here. Well, there was one that I'm only repeating

and I am not endorsing jokes about this at all. But I did think this was pretty clever. And it was Dragonboy Suede, a.k.a. Howard Kramer, who said, what you talking about, St. Peter? Oh, well then, should I share the one that I read that maybe is more offensive than that?

Mine's maybe more offensive. I'm backing away from you. All right. Yeah, I'm not going to say mine. Anyway, this is all for charity. That one is kind of nice because it implies he's in heaven, which is great. Probably erroneous, but great. If everyone here has seen Lost, I saw a great one, where Gary Coleman's also in the church.

They employed a new CGI item into the church today. That was very quick thinking. So, yeah. In the zeitgeist? Yeah. Jesse, change the topic. End of an era does seem strong. Am I right?

Anyway, it's great – Shuffling. It's late in our – So please donate money. Late in our three of the Max Fund Marathon. How late will this go? This is going to midnight. So it's not a full marathon.

It's not 26 miles, if that's what you're asking. We don't travel. Is someone running a marathon while you're doing this and you're checking in with them? That would be interesting. It looks like people are just sitting here Drinking Dr. Pepper I want to ask this I want to challenge One person in the audience

They do have gummy bears In their pockets Is one person in the audience Planning on staying here From four to midnight Yeah If you're planning on staying here How about a round of applause

Look at that That's good That's pretty good Who are the We've taken down your names Do you have surprise guests No No

Absolutely not We've been very forthcoming But no yeah We've got some good stuff Do you have surprise guests? No We've been very forthcoming Would you like a surprise guest? We could get you a surprise guest Dwayne The Rock Johnson What? The Rock is here The Rock is here Hey Rock

It was great to have The Rock here We'll see you next time Dwayne Sorry we didn't have enough mics for you People don't know that he donates It was great to have The Rock here. We'll see you next time, Dwayne. We'll see you next time. Sorry we didn't have enough mics for you. People don't know that he donates, what does he donate? $57 a month. Yeah, that's true. Maximumfund.org, yeah.

Maximumfund.org slash donate. I've actually named the donation page Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Maximumfund.org slash donate. The landing page has been his name now. How come Steve Austin really never took off? You mean as an entertainer? Yeah, I feel like The Rock took off. China took off.

Steve Austin, even John Cena, he took off. I'm not mistaken. She's doing porn. Am I not mistaken? She took off. She took off and went somewhere else. She took off her underoos. To an area to get railed.

But yeah, but I mean, Steve, I think he might have just quit, though. I think there might have been. I don't know, but I think he might have just, like, gotten out of the biz. But Stone Cold should have had one movie. No, actually, I think he's in this Expendables movie that has all the action stars of yesteryear. Does anybody know that for sure? Yeah. He is.

He also has a chain of ice cream stores across the country. Really? Stone Cold's Cold Stuff. It's like Magic Johnson's TGI Fridays. How do I keep this cold slab so cold? Pour cold beer on it. Now you're drunk. 316 flavors.

It is like Magic It is like Magic Johnson's TGI Fridays in that they're both owned and named after celebrities, but they're also both African-American themed. Wait, Magic Johnson owns a TGI Friday? He does. It's by the airport. He just owns one? It's called, he only owns one, but it is called Magic Johnson's TGI Friday.

Wow. Wow. But I know he owns a chain of movie theaters. It seems bold to just be like, I'm going to buy one restaurant. Also, that's one. I own one kookaroo. It'll be called Magic Johnson's Kookaroo, and that'll be it. It'll be by the airport. In my book, I think the boldest part is the double possessive, right?

It's a Magic Johnson's TGI Friday. Who does this restaurant belong to? It'll be that Magic Johnson. Hour three of eight. Hour three of eight. You know, we did, I don't want to plug anything, but we did a marathon on MTV for 24 hours. You did, and you had lots of amazing guests on your show. We were on national television.

You had our friend Andrew W.K. on, if I remember correctly. Yes, well, he was live videotaped. But we had Benga from The Wire. We had a lot of people. We had a lot of bands, Ted Leo, Mastodon, Conrad Bain. And when is this air? That was several years ago. Okay.

Any tips for marathons? Are you trying to put us in our place? And when was this exactly? Guys, I'm this guy you've never heard of. Eat a dick. I'm trying to acknowledge you. I'm not trying to shut you out, but it is hard to be part of this. No, I understand.

Well, I feel like they've already written you out. The camera's nowhere near you. Well, there's that camera. Oh, there it is. He has his own camera. He's got the Shumka camera. It's in a Canadian aspect ratio. Occasionally, it shows mainly him,

but occasionally it'll flash to an episode of the trailer park. I will say, this is the one thing I think you should do. It's still early enough. You should have someone start to drink now and check in with them throughout the night because that will be, as they're getting

later and later, it will be a fun source of the audience can check in with them. How drunk are you? You know, our pal Brian Fernandez is back there at the bar

and if I'm not mistaken, Brian, let me know, do we have a nice Chardonnay back there? Oh, we do indeed. So if somebody wants to take up

what I call the Chardonnay challenge there. Oh, we do indeed. So if somebody wants to take up what I call the Chardonnay challenge. Oh, I would love that. Yeah, from 7 to midnight, just drinking Chardonnay as much as you can drink. We'll ask you questions. You'll get up to that mic. We'll ask you questions. Tomorrow we'll take you go-karting and shooting machine guns. It'll be so fun.

Really fun. You know what's funny to me, though? I'm sure Meltdown thought That this was gonna be Like a big boom To their business There's no fucking shoppers Out there Like everyone's

Everyone's back here Well why would you This isn't for fucking geeks This is a podcast Yeah right Totally different audience That's for the fanboys This is for the geeks

One thing I wanted to say About Vegas That I thought was funny A fanboy is Now A fanboy is a guy who jacks off to Japanese comic books Correct? I think that would be a I think that would be a nerd

I think a nerd does that Because a fanboy I think dresses up like an anime character And then has sex with somebody To jack off Just to jack off to normal things Wait, hold on Let's just settle this now Let's go around the room Let's all talk about Just to jack off to normal things. Wait, hold on. Let's just settle this now.

Let's go around the room. Let's all talk about what we jack off to. And then we'll put this to bed. I jack off to fanboys, I think. Then you're an anime head. I just put my dick in a fan. Paul, you had another Vegas observation. I just had a Vegas observation, which was we were talking to this woman who was showing us how to shoot guns. And she honestly said, we said, she said, one day we put a baby in here and shot it.

And then I said. Like a toy baby. Well, wait. I said, a real one? She goes, no, I wish. Boy, baby. Well, wait. I said, a real one?

She goes, no, I wish. That was the thing that I've been sitting with that I needed to tell you. They also told us. No, I wish. Why? No one should wish that. It's like, yeah, I'm awful. They also told us that they've had quite a few people come in there and just ask for one bullet, meaning that they were going to kill them.

And they're like, no, get the fuck out of here. And then they've had people... Or like, pay for the whole thing. You're going to die. Well, that's what the smart people do. People have done that. They'll fucking go in there and be like, yep, hey, how's it going?

Can I get a thing? If you're asking for one bullet, you're a show-off suicide person. Oh, one bullet, please. Yeah, that's like a crash. Come on, just do it. Just put it on the table. I'll be journaling.

Also, I kind of feel like the sequins are a bit much. The what? The sequins are a bit much, too. On the bullets? On the suicidal person. The show-off suicidal person. I was going to say, it would be like going into a hardware store. Does this garage door keep in all the fumes from my car?

No worries. Could this rope be tied into the form of a noose? If I was standing on a chair. They actually, there's labeling requirements for noose-ability. Yeah. What are you guys doing after the marathon? Like, immediately, for the weekend, are you going to just decompress the whole time? You're going to put your dick in a fan.

Yeah. I have my, like, company Memorial Day barbecue tomorrow. Where do you work? I work for Fuel TV. Oh, okay. I was on Fuel TV one time, and I did an interview in a studio that had a half pipe. Yeah, that's the show I work for. I'm sure.

Me sitting casually On a half pipe Did not look good at all You guys had to do like Sure Anyway We're just hanging out On this half pipe Rapping

So you have your Cameras Where did those come from I would just normally Be just cutting it up Over here on this half pipe Sure My elbow pads on

What's gonna happen At the company barbecue Oh here's the guy Here's the guy Who throws the company barbecue Is like king of all bros. And when I went to it last year, he's this kind of – Don't you mean bro of all bros? Bra of all bros?

Yes, sure, sure. Bro-sif of all – yeah, yes. Anyway, so he comes out of – he's this kind of squat, red-headed guy. And he comes out of his house with two Hulk hands that have been hollowed out so he could put beers with them. And he comes out of the house like, Jordansky. This is my boss. I love it. That's the best boss in the world.

Yeah. I don't know. I'm just obsessed with these beer Hulk hands. You understand that he's in charge of things, right, Paul? What? He's in charge of things. Yeah, I like that guy. He's the bro of all bros. He's probably the guy who put the half-pipe

in the studio. Sure. Put it in there, man. Make people look really comfortable and cool. Is your Memorial Day picnic notably extreme, Jordan? I mean... Excuse me. Is it normally... Is it notably action-oriented? Sure, yes. Oh, the funny thing about the world of

skateboarding and snowboarding, you're not supposed to say extreme anymore. Oh. What do you guess what you say? Let us guess. You say action sports. That's lame. That's legitimizing. Yeah, yeah, right?

What do you mean? What do you mean? Like if someone does something cool, you go, whoa, that was so action sports. Sure. Action sports Doritos. Yeah. How do you use it? I don't understand.

I don't think you do It's not meant to be said aloud It's just meant for It's just meant for PowerPoint presentations Hasn't all that sort of Attitude died off? Like what do those people do now?

Where's Dan Cortez? What is Dan Cortez up to? No I think the toot Is still the same Just for like marketing purposes They don't want you to say it. Don't casually use the word toot. We all use that. No one in here uses that word.

You know what I think it probably is like? It's sort of like in professional wrestling, how you wrestle in the WWF, but you don't make enough money to retire. So when you're done in the WWF, start barnstorming to less WWF friendly cities You know like you're doing a show in Dubuque Right you kind of follow the path of the wrestler I think a Dan Cortez is probably working his way down On the level of extremity So initially he was

He's doing like resort town closed circuit TV Yeah About like where you can buy dream catchers The local street luge contest Eventually he'll be north of the border in Canada Yeah that's where they all go to die Are you guys prepping for Carson Daly? Yeah, he bought one bullet

Carson Daly's hunting extravaganza What's weird is that in Canada The gun control laws are such That you can only buy one bullet The only thing that it's legal to do With a gun in Canada is commit suicide. Fair enough. Those liberals.

When we were in Las Vegas, I will say that I don't remember a lot past a certain point. Which is surprising to me because I was with him and he seemed totally coherent. I'm a terrible drunk in that you can't tell that I'm drunk. Wouldn't have guessed. I don't get rowdy at all. Right now, as far as you know, I'm fucking smashed. And he's being totally truthful.

I really am the worst type, the most dangerous type of drunk because I was like this in Las Vegas, but I was like I don't remember anything. But people keep buying you drinks and stuff. Well, we were at this place We started at two. Yeah we started really early and then we went to

We stopped at seven. Yeah and we went to the strip bar and I barely remember getting like a however long we were there like a three hour lap dance from this girl

and I don't remember anything except going how much do I owe you and her going $500. And then so I had to That's the then so I had to conveniently an ATM right there so I just went over and got out like $600 $10 surcharge yeah yeah but then

somehow I think I gave her my phone number and somehow we exchanged phone numbers I don't know why I don't know what's going to happen. Please marry her. And then I got a text from her yesterday. So keep your fingers crossed.

What did she say? Did she listen to this podcast? She said, I found your high school ring inside my vagina. Now here's the deal, guys. We never went to a strip club. It was just me and Rob Riggle dancing on Rob for four hours. Wait, Paul's covering up the mic. I didn't hear what he said.

He said your new girlfriend's really beautiful and the wedding's going to be great. And I'm $250 richer. So is Rob. It better not be a trick. Rob, thank you so much for taking all this time to be on the show. That's it. It's easy. That was it.

Did we get any confirmation on Bumper Dumper? No. It exists. It exists. It exists. And who has started drinking Chardonnay? Yes, we're Chardonnay ahead. Who's in charge of Chardonnay?

I see someone with a beverage back there. Don't waste this opportunity, you guys. If none of you do it, I'm going to do it, and that's going to be bad. Unfortunately, she's got a Shiraz. Thanks for having us, you guys. Thank you so much. Thank you guys so much. Rob Hubel, Paul Scheer.

Well, there goes Jordan, Jesse, go for another week. Our thanks to everyone who donated during the Max Fund Drive and all of our continuing donors. There are now thousands of you, or more than a thousand of you, anyway. Thank you. basis. If you donated and you're waiting for your stuff, the Sound of Young America DVDs are going out shortly. As I record this, they will be going out next week, first class mail, so they should come in the next couple weeks. T-shirts still have to be printed, so those will come in a month to six weeks, something like that, and probably something similar for the other prizes, unless we actually get our acts together to distribute those sooner. Thank you so much to all of you who donated, every single person out there.

It's your support that makes it possible for us to do this. And if you haven't donated, remember that we're supported by donations. So it doesn't have to be the Max Fund Drive for you to go to MaximumFund.org slash donate and give to support what we do. 206-984-4FUN is the number to call if you have a momentous occasion or want to tell us about something. You can also email us at jjgoe at MaximumFun.org.

We'll be rolling out full audio of the MaxFun Marathon for donors within the next couple of weeks. I can't promise you exactly when it is. I happen to be on my way out of town taking a, if I do say so myself, well-deserved vacation. Not a lot of gas left in this tank. You're lucky you got this. But it should be coming eventually. In the meantime, the first four hours of the marathon are up on video on our Vimeo, or go to MaximumFun.org and click on Jordan Jesse Go to

find it there. You can watch it in lovely high quality without any buffering or other live internet event issues. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, available on Kitzer Fund, the best of the free design on Light in the Attic Records. I think that's all that needs to be said. We'll see you next time on Jordan Jesse Go.