Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 137: Multiplicity with Dave Horwitz

Episode Date: June 29, 2010

Dave Horwitz joins us to talk about shape shifting robots, proper airplane attire, and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddle, Jesse, Go!

We're joined by Dave Horowitz to talk about, well, frankly, mostly Michael Keaton. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go! I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Things are clearing up here in Los Angeles. Yeah, it was a gloomy a.m. What's going on?

I feel like, as a San Francisco native, I feel like I somehow moved to the Sunset District. That's a shout-out to my man Al Madrigal out there. Nice. The native of the Sunset District. Sure. I lived in the... Is it known for its gloomy mornings? Yeah, sure. Well, certainly the Sunset and. Sure. I lived in the... Is it known for its gloomy mornings? Yeah, sure.

Well, certainly the Sunset and the Richmond. Okay. If you're talking about gloomy mornings, the Sunset and the Richmond is where you're going to want to go. That's where you're getting maximum gloom. Absolutely. And I can't tell the difference

between the Sunset and the Richmond after 25 years of living in San Francisco. I still can't remember. One of them is north of Golden Gate Park. One of them south of Golden Gate Park. The three people who were on my side, because I am a San Francisco native, two of those three people grew up

in either the Sunset or the Richmond and have now been alienated completely. All I know is, you gotta have the clam chowder while you're there. In the bread bowl. In the bread bowl! Because that's how they have it down there. That's how, yeah.

Local delicacy, right? Oh, couldn't be more. Sure. I grew up eating chowder for, we called it chowda, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I mean, you'd be on the playground, and you would hear the familiar jingle of the bells of the chowder man. He's pushing his chowder cart. He has his satchel full of bread bowls. And he felt, you know.

As that recording in the chowder truck got older and older, it started to get creepier and creepier, I found. I started to have chowder-based nightmares. Sure. And it wasn't a song. It was just a guy saying, time for chowder. Chowder out of a truck. Chowder time. Chowder time. Chowder time. So you could see how eventually that would start to kind of freak you out. You're just trying to play in the cool jungle gym, the one that's plastic tubes. Sure. Let's welcome our guest onto the program.

Why don't we? You might know him from his acclaimed internet television series, Downer's Grove on the WB.com. Also a regular at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater here in Los Angeles, Dave Horowitz. How are you, sir? Hey, guys. I'm great.

Thanks for having me. Oh, it's great. It's great to have you here. Do you have any special folksy chowder memory you should like to share? You're from chowder country. I'm from the heart of Chowder America, Boston, Massachusetts, which is that's what we call the Chowder America. Oh, that's what you called America or that's what you called Boston? Is that what you called Massachusetts?

Yeah. Or the mid-Atlantic region. No, Massachusetts itself is just a... That's a New England state. Well, it's shaped like a bread bowl. Right. Yeah. If you've ever seen it on a map.

That's why they call it America's bread bowl. I haven't ever seen it on a map, but I trust you. Well, yeah. You've got Italy shaped like a boot. Michigan shaped like a mitten. Massachusetts, a bread bowl. Well, yeah. You got Italy shaped like a boot. Michigan shaped like a mitten. Massachusetts. Red Bull. Oh, wait.

Well, yeah. Yeah, I'll stand by that. Sure. You know what? Yeah, just stick there. I'm actually a native of California. We're famous for being shaped like a boner. A downward twisty boner.

That in Florida, right? Yeah, the boner states. The boner states. America's falling boner. That in Florida, right? Yeah, the boner states. The boner states. America's falling boners. Yeah. It's a reminder. They shape them that way to remind us about the perils of empire. Sure.

God shaped them that way, you mean, to remind us about the perils of empire. It really has been odd well you've been in you were actually just in boston right jordan yeah i was i was there for the uh the dew tour the mountain dew mtn dew too yeah yeah uh and i only realized that recently that they how long has mountain dew dropped the mountain how long has it been just mtn dew does anyone know i'd say a good four years wow that's a good guesstimate i mean and that's as long as i've been in the in my in the mountain

based industry in the extremity business sure i think they had a meeting and determined that there was they hadn't there was the kids don't know what mountains are anymore kids don't know what mountains are kids know what abbreviation is because it takes less time to read. And the less reading you can do while you're slamming a do, the better. I think what it goes to show is that we're living in the management era where if you have vowels in your – like each vowel in your word is sort of a credit against your word. sort of a credit against your word. So, you know, just as Tumblr or Flickr is missing one vowel and MGMT are missing all their vowels, Mountain Dew knew that it had to drop at least some vowels.

Yeah, and look at that math. Tumblr and Flickr, pretty popular. Right. MGMT, incredibly popular. Right. Mountain Dew, arguably the most popular and they cut they got the most popular yeah and okay that's why that's why that's why mr rogers is now spelled m-r-r-g-r-s he's literally the most popular man in america because of that change that he made

his corpse is more popular than his living being ever well he's he surpassed boob hoop mr rogers is the tupac of children's entertainers even more popular in death than he is in life you know it's a it's there was some big contra mr rogers related controversy this past year in pbs when they stopped feeding us they went they paired it back to like one feed episode of Mr. Rogers a week or something like that. And from, from like four a day on the PBS national satellite feed, it was very controversial scene is a big move against Mr.

Rogers. I feel like at this point, public broadcasting system, you could have just taped them. You know, you've had your shot to to record enough Mr. Rogers is to last. Wait, I guess I'm confused what people were up to. So PBS was not airing enough. They weren't live feeding.

See, every station plays what they want to play. Okay. But they weren't live feeding enough episodes per day. So if the PBS station in Madison, Wisconsin wanted to play 8 Mr. Rogers, they didn't even have the option? Here's the reality of the situation, Jordan. Okay. If you're a kid,

you're watching the one where he visits a factory and something happens to Daniel Striped Tiger. That's every episode of the show. It doesn't matter how many different episodes you've seen one you've seen them all you could feed the same episode to a three-year-old kid every day it's important all that you what you're feeding them is the comfort of the kindest man of all time boundless positivity and cardigans that exists within any given episode of mr rogers you don't need puppets strangelyuppets with strangely similar voices.

Hey, while we're complaining about public media, something stuck in my craw on the way over. Absolutely. Let's hear it. I was listening to The World. Oh, yeah. From Public Radio International, the BBC, and WBUR in Boston. Yes. Okay.

And they were doing a story about... Wait. Let me guess. Child rappers in Africa. No. Okay. And they were doing a story about... Wait, let me guess. Child rappers in Africa. No. Oh, wait, hold on. Child rappers in Mexico collaborating with... A mariachi band and an Iranian metal group. And also one of those tube and throat singers.

No, but that music was playing in the background all throughout the story. Sort of like this. It was a lot like that. That's it. Yep. Yeah, I feel like that's the world's philosophy. You gotta poke yourself.

Yeah, you gotta throw a little, what was that? Adam's apple. Oh, you can do it without wait hold on oh yeah hold on jordan okay no no no no no no i'm just gonna keep my i'm gonna keep my clever observation on hold while you guys make noises we're the next mother's brothers by the way just as they w wove together comedy and upright bass and banjo or whatever it was that they played, we weave together comedy and – Tooth and throat parody. Specifically faux Tooth and Throat singing.

And if you guys are lucky, maybe later I'll throw in my impression of those things that you turn upside down and makes a little cow noise. Oh, excellent. Yes. But I'll tease that for now oh yeah sure yeah leave them wanting more sorry jordan um they were doing a story about some uh danish uh fashion company that is building a robot so when you buy clothes online, this robot will show you what the clothes will look like on you. And they were using, and they kind of started off, they were using the Terminator as an example. They're like, you know, it kind of started off like, you know,

in 1984 Arnold Schwarzenegger's Terminator showed us, you know, that even robots are concerned with fashion. And they played the clip, it was like like where Arnold goes, give me your clothes. And then the Danish – and then he's like – a Danish clothes manufacturer has created a shape-shifting robot to show people what online clothes purchase will look like on them. And they go to the Danish clothes guy and he's like, yes, my inspiration was, of course, the Terminator because I wanted to create a shape-shifting robot to show people what clothes would look like.

The Terminator is not a shape-shifter. The T-1000 is a shape-shifter. The T-1000 is a shape-shifter from Terminator 2, but they played a clip from Terminator 1. The Arnold Schwarzenegger Terminator never shifts his shape. He's a metal exoskeleton with human tissue over it, but he can't change his shape he's a metal exoskeleton with human tissue over it but he can't change his shape anyways where the fuck were they getting that from you know like have you even seen terminator i don't know you had to pull the clip so you had to watch some of it when did he shift his shape the world what about where are the copy editors on this that's what i want to know where

are the fact checkers? Sure. You got to get, if you're a legitimate journalist, you call up the governor's office and say, I just want to verify a few facts. Number one. Namely one fact. The Terminator was concerned with fashion. Sure.

Number two, the Terminator was known for his shape-shifting. I think my biggest problem, and I understand Terminator, not a shape-shifter. That's a big problem. Biggest problem to me is he wasn't concerned about fashion. He was concerned about covering his nude body. He wasn't like, give me that specific cut of denim. It was literally, I don't need anything to cover my body, and you have clothes on. don't know i think there's a giant hole it's a there's a logic hole that's john paul i can i can yeah in this time is it before or after labor day

when is your human labor day? When is robot labor day? When you get unplugged. Y2K. Yeah, Y2K. Something about Y2K is robot labor day. But I can see the concern with fashion as like a cute remark. But the shapeshifting isn't a cute – that's just an – That's a point of –

That's an incorrect fact. That's a point of fact. Yes. You know, maybe they should be working from, you know, like a lot of sci-, should create a sort of show bible that shows the realities of every fictional science fiction world ever created. For metaphorical purposes. I thought you were going to say, maybe the world got a hold of the Terminator show bible,

which is far more expansive than the four existing films. So maybe this is... There was the Saracana Chronicles, and of course there's the Terminator 2 3D experience at Universal Studios, which is in line with the official continuity. It sounds like what you're suggesting, Dave, is that this isn't a problem of insufficient resources.

This is a problem of excess resources. Too many resources. They're too... They're going too in-depth. They're getting to things that whilst while technically canonical are not accurate well factually fictionally accurate yeah uh are have not yet been revealed to the public okay so instead of instead of j Jordan correcting them for getting something wrong, he should have been correcting them for not providing a spoiler alert. Oh, sure.

Or saying, if you would like to download the Terminator show Bible, go to our website and click on the PDF link. And then you can kind of read along and the story will make sense to you. Can I ask you guys? Yeah, I should just give you like, we're going to read a story about a Danish fashion designer, but we're going to wait for five minutes while you download the Terminator fashion Bible. Trust us. And I'm going to wait three hours for you to read it.

Trust us, this will make sense later. Jordan, I know you're a regular public radio listener, and Dave, for all I know, you are too. Indeed. On every public radio show, there is this moment when they say, for an excerpt from the book or for photographs of the child rappers from Africa, go to our website at npr.org or what have you. Who are these people who are going to the website when they hear a prompt?

Who wants to read a chapter of a novel? When I, I don't do this with any other show except for Studio 360, but I like to look at the Studio 360 website after I listen to the episode. Because they have like videos and stuff. That's just so you can jack off to Explodo's picture. I mean, that's part of it. Right, because you get hard during the show. But I also like to look at, you know, whatever, Yoko Ono's art installation or something like that.

I do like to. Guys, I like to. Jordan has an unnatural attachment to Studio 360. He always has. We're both fans of it. Don't get me wrong. I'm a big fan of it. Always happy to support our friend Kurt Explodo Anderson.

Sure. But Jordan is a little bit too fascinated by it. Oh. How deep does your fascination go, Jordan? You want to see my chest tattoo? Yes. Lift shirt. Pretty good, huh?

Oh, you just mimed it. Yeah. Anyway, Dave Horowitz joining us. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. We'll be back in just a second. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweeper. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Dave Horowitz, the mayor of Mars. Pretty good. It's okay. Yeah. It's not as, the Mayor of Mars. Pretty good. It's okay. Yeah. It's not as punchy as I'd like. Yeah. That's because you just haven't seen John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars. Sorry.

Mayor of Mars is what my parents used to call me when I was about five, because I was a real weird kid. Oh, that is cute. That's great. Done. Awesome. Fantastic. You're in.

You're good as gold. I take everything back. Sorry we were talking shit about your nickname earlier. Any aspersions I may have cast upon Mayor of Mars, I hereby withdraw. Was that meant to cut you down, or was that supposed to be like, were they supportive of you being a weird kid? I think it was a term of endearment with a bit of a head shake thrown in for good measure because it was like, this kid's pretty weird. But he's like, he's cute. He's probably, this is funny.

This isn't weird to his detriment. Well, you know, this wasn't a, you were saving your poops situation, right? You were making a little box of your own poops. Like, oh, there's the mayor of Mars again. Having a shit collection. No, I never. The verb here is to have. To have. No, I never as a kid thought. No, I never. The verb here is to have.

To have. No, I never as a kid thought. Nosotros. Nosotros. Never made it. Nosotros somos collecting our shits. No, it was a cute kind of weird. It was like a, what a fun, funny collection of imaginary friends.

There were no shit castles. Okay. Can I ask you guys, have you guys watched any of the World Cup soccer matches? This is the sport football, as it's known on the continent. Football Americano, or... No, this would be football Angliski. Is how you would say it in Russian.

No, you know, I kind of thought it might be fun to watch a World Cup. And I got really pumped. And I know this is a dumb thing to get pumped up by. But I was very pumped up by that Nike commercial where it shows, like like the guys and their lives based on the choices they make in the world cup have you guys seen this look it is it's never dumb to get pumped up by a nike commercial they've got their hand up our asses grabbing our lizard brains and just milking them for all their worth yeah they're masterful uh it's a very good commercial uh anyways it got me really pumped up it made soccer look so exciting and then i sat

down to watch one and it was just the most boring thing in the world so i turned it off i got upset i mean i know that like what you're supposed to be upset about is well i was upset about some of the things they're supposed to be upset about like you know they just kind of kick it around in the middle they don't ever try and score yeah and the horns blowing, we've heard so much about on Twitter lately. Sure. But frankly, there's... Let's not say they're funny names. It's just encouraging people to make horn jokes.

There's a kid in my neighborhood who has one of those, so I don't need to watch the World Cup to be bothered by that. Does he just blow it randomly or when he gets pumped up by something? He blows it randomly and sort of sadly, and Teresa was wondering if it was some kind of robot fart. It's really,

he's a very bad, like I think it's a pretty little kid because I'm guessing maybe it's like a five-year-old that has this thing because he really

hasn't mastered the art of a sort of loud, continuous blast. It's more sort of a booooooo. Yeah, that's what they said about a young of loud, continuous blast. It's more sort of a... Yeah, that's what they said about a young Miles Davis, Jesse. This kid's just thinking outside the box, I think. But the thing that got me, frankly, the most upset in the whole World Cup was actually a commercial break,

which there are blessedly few of in a soccer match because there are relatively few breaks in the soccer match. But there was a commercial for Subway sandwiches. And Subway sandwiches, you know, I mean, it's a sandwich. There were various sports persons that I did not recognize. They were talking about how much they love Subway sandwicheswiches. Sort of in that pastiche commercial form where they're delivering a boring message but because each person is only saying one-third of each sentence,

they think that makes it exciting. Sure. The slogan, which apparently is the new slogan for Subway Sandwiches, is, where winners eat. Oh, God. Oh, man. sandwiches is where winners eat oh god oh oh man you know the new uh the new slogan for miller high life is tastes expensive so it seems like slogans are now just lies or like or the opposite of what's of what it really is i mean where winners eat subway Is there not one person at Subway

who's self-aware enough to say, you know what? We can say it's inexpensive. We can say it's healthy relative to a hamburger from Carl's Jr. We can say that we... Eat Fresh is fine. I'm fine with Eat Fresh.

Eat Fresh is great. Personally, I thought they struck a chord with that. I don't know where this winnersners Eat thing is coming from. I ate fresh once or twice. Where Winners Eat? I cannot imagine. When I think of Subway sandwiches, this is what I think about. I think about the fact that our friend Dan, original Dan,

who composed the original Sound of Young America theme music and used to be a regular guest on the Sound of Young America. Dan, when he moved to Los Angeles, was living in his friend's grandparents' pool house where there was no bathroom and no kitchen. So he ate Subway sandwiches two times a day for roughly six months. And that's not a description of a winning lifestyle.

No, and subway seven sandwiches have their i mean like definitely if you know like it's great you get that five dollar foot long and it's it's it's it's lunch and you know what it couldn't can be dinner as well if you need it to be if you're hard up and i understand that and it's it's it's it's not that bad, but Subway sandwiches are the saddest restaurants in the world. I've never been in one that hasn't had at least one tragic moment happening inside it. And what's amazing is in contrast to, for example, here in Southern California, there's a pizza chain called Shakey's. Oh, yeah. Which is just profoundly, astonishingly, deeply sad.

Real sad. This is a place that has sort of that 1975 sort of everything's wood paneled and dark interior theme. Yeah, I think it's supposed to remind you of like, you know, a gothic cathedral. Yeah, right. A dungeon. Yeah. Simpler, sexier bondage times. Yeah.

It is essentially. Like when grandma and grandpa used to tie each other up. It is essentially a dungeon where you're forced to eat square pizza. Sure. But in contrast, Subway Sandwiches is clean and brightly lit. But I think that. I wouldn't say necessarily always clean. The power of the sadness that so pervades Subway sandwiches

makes even a clean Subway sandwich somehow more sad by virtue of its being clean. It's sort of like raging against the coming of the darkness or whatever that quote is. The fading of the light. Sure. But it's just failing so profoundly and astonishingly. I think the biggest problem with it is that Subway, to me, screams necessity.

Right. No, no. I think that's a great point. It has nothing to do with winning. I mean, like... Subway, stay alive. Yeah. Subway, the place where you go because it's next to your job winning i mean like subway stay alive yeah subway the place where you go because it's next to your job right sure you know but that's but you can't fit that and

there aren't other places next to your job i would rather buy a sandwich i don't know if this is something there's because los angeles is so much more of a car culture i think the corner store the liquor store is a much smaller part of Los Angeles geography. But certainly in San Francisco, and I would imagine maybe in Boston as well, where you're from, the corner store is a big part of the urban landscape. And there are these corner stores

that make and sell sandwiches. And they usually just have, like, your bread choice is just whatever's there they'll like three like it won't be a consistent thing it'll just be like well today there's like a third of a loaf of yesterday's rye and you know a kaiser roll yeah just two kaiser rolls and one soft roll and you just got to pick that and you there's no dutch, you know? No. I would rather have a sandwich made from just those things that are left over in the tiny deli counter of a liquor store than I would from Subway. Yeah. I mean, I think when I've been to and there's more of them in New York than there are in Boston.

But anytime I've been to a bodega and paid $3.95 for a gigantic sandwich, it has been infinitely better than anything I would get at a Subway establishment. And, you know, I mean, it's just... Subway's big selling point is this freshly baked bread. Sure. It is horrible bread. Yeah. It really could not be worse. The bread is the weak point.

But that's their thing. Sure. Their thing is the worst bread in history. Yeah, they should really be selling the fact that the sandwiches have a lot of mayonnaise on them. Like, that should become the new, like, hey, do you know how much mayonnaise this has on it? A ton. It's going to be really good. Look, we're recording on a Monday today, and this, I guess, will probably end up coming out late on Monday or on Tuesday, a a little bit late because Jordan you were you were out of town covering the MTN do tour sure

um uh I want to ask you about your experiences because I have been traveling more lately for work of course and of course I'm I'm only only chumps travel for pleasure as. As you know, I'm traveling to Calgary later this month or later in July. So, I mean, I'm starting to get my feelings. But I feel you mentioned to me, Jordan, that you had a big travel, an important travel experience. Yes. Well, yeah, important travel slash manners experience. travel slash manners experience okay uh anyway so i was coming back from boston and uh there is the guy in front of me was just this real kevin smith of a guy on the airplane yes um two-seater this has less to do with his weight which was but his weight was kevin sm-esque. But the fact that his fitting in the seat is not an issue.

It was more his tyrannity-laced tirades. Profanity-laced. Tyrannosaurus-laced tirades. He was a dinosaur. In shorts. In jean shorts. Profanity-laced tirades about Star Wars. Sure.

But yeah, this guy is wearing jorts and a t-shirt and like – Baseball hat backwards? Velcro sandals. Sure. But the non-Kevin Smith thing about him was his hairdo was the sides of his head were shaved, but then he had a long ponytail. Okay. Maybe going past the shoulders now so when you say the non-kevin smith thing about him i just assume i mean kevin smith has a spiritual ponytail i assumed that it

would see that you would be describing something that was better than kevin smith because i had a hard time imagining someone saying something unlike ke Smith and then describing something worse. But you certainly achieved it. This is sub-Kevin Smith. Yeah, no, no, no. I mean, this guy wishes. I'm not putting down Kevin Smith as a person. He seems like a perfectly charming, affable, funny, lovable, decent-hearted guy. His podcast is very fun to listen to sometimes.

I'm talking about his sense of aesthetics. Yes. His sub-Michael Moore sense of aesthetics. His blazer with a hockey jersey aesthetics. He's got a dumpy aura. You're a little bit psychic, aren't you? Yeah. Sure.

Well, I'm spiritual. I'm not religious. I'm spiritual. Okay. His spirit animal is a walrus. is a walrus uh and um anyways he um so you know but this guy just basically started behaving obnoxiously right off the bat like he uh when the drink cart lady came around he's like and this and this is something i'm still kind of trying to wrap my head around what he meant but i mean i guess i kind of know what he went but he's like i'll take a jack daniels on the rocks hold the

rocks like that was a joke and then there's a woman sitting next to him a very nice looking I mean, I guess I kind of know what he went, but he's like, I'll take a Jack Daniels on the rocks. Hold the rocks. Like that was a joke. And then there's a woman sitting next to him, a very nice looking woman who he kept trying to buy a drink for. So come on, have a drink with me. Have it, you know, like just trying to party with the people near him. Like and and yeah. And just like laughing at those remarks, just like, you know, belly laughing at the remarks. And then he started listening to his iPod on really shitty headphones, and you could just hear what he was listening to.

It just was a part of, you know, the auditory landscape. And he was listening to three things. He was listening to very intense metal. Of course. Like, metal. He was listening to what I think was like video game music from old NES games. It was just like

chiptunes music and red hot chili peppers. So he kind of had these three things on and you could just hear it all. He had just like shitty plastic headphones that you could hear everything through. And then he uh fell asleep and just did the most insane parody of snoring like and like thrashing around uh anyways but

that lasted pretty short and then like i anyway so i have my so when the the incident happened uh i had my kind of tray table out in front of me and I had a book on the tray table, and I was kind of leaning over the book on the tray table. And I feel this flop on my head. I feel a – not a weight, but I feel that something has come to rest on the top of my head. And I look up, and it's his ponytail. He had flung his ponytail over the back of the seat and it was resting on my head. And I jerked my head back, of course. But then his ponytail was just hanging over in my eyeline, like kind of dangling over my book. And I didn't know what to do. I didn't like, do you tap him

and say, move your ponytail, asshole? You take a pencil or a pen out of your bag and lift it carefully. You have to gingerly lift it. And I mean, I just tolerated this ponytail for what was like an hour. I just didn't know what to do. Do you think he was trying to plug into you? Like an avatar? He may have been. Yeah, he was maybe trying to.

I'm not one of these people who thinks That everyone should dress up For travel Can I make one more point I know this is going to become a separate thing One more point When I got off the plane Just standing next to the terminal

Was another guy with a ponytail But this is a very different ponytail guy This guy like tie, tie-dye shirt, hiking shoes, and, you know, like, carrying a canvas bag with him. It was wavy gravy. Yeah, he had a gray braided ponytail. Demonstrating his circus skills. He was doing deep knee bends in the airport.

So can we say that ponytail on man is the highest indicator of insanity? Yes. Of being an insane. Undoubtedly. Unpleasant person. Anyways. Sorry. These are my thoughts on ponytails.

I don't. Look. I don't feel like people need to. You'll hear someone say, oh, people used to dress up for air travel. They used to put on a tie. Sure. Don Draper. They used to wear.

And I feel like. Guys, Don Draper. They used to wear... And I'm... Guys, Don Draper? Yeah. A confident man. Sure. From a bygone era. I'm not asking America to dress up for air travel at all.

But is it okay for me to ask people to at least match their level of dress for going to the grocery store? Is that... Like like people are wearing, people are wearing these special air travel outfits. Sure.

This is what they are. It's their fucking pajamas. That's a real thing. People wearing their, like a track suit. Like what is the, why do you need this? Why does going on an airplane in allow you to do this

is it because of the incredible physical hardship and discomfort involved in sitting in a chair well i think i think maybe it's more uh it's more a sleep thing it's like are you planning on sleeping on the plane i i mean i i definitely will wear the least, you know, the thing that I own that has the least potential to be itchy or to bunch up or to whatever on the plane. I think, I mean, I think if you're in a situation where it's an hour flight, I think if this is a L.A. to Vegas, if this is a, you know, L.A. to San Francisco. Portland to San Francisco. Portland to San Francisco. Anywhere JetBlue flies. Right.

If this is that situation, then I definitely... Boston to Martha's Vineyard. Sure. Just for the weekend. Yeah. To the vineyard. Camp David to Kennebunkport. Kennebunkport.

I think in those situations, in those one to three hour flights, I feel like the tracksuit can be obnoxious. But I definitely see that if it is a flight where you are considering sleeping, you want to control your comfort and temperature. Dress like a human being. Yeah. I mean, yes, dress for comfort. But just I'm with you on just reel it in a little bit. If you're going to wear yoga pants and a T-shirt, make the T-shirt clean. Just make it clean.

Sure. Make it fresh out of the laundry. Maybe clean just make it clean sure make it make it make it fresh out of the laundry maybe it shouldn't have a potluck on it either what happened to wearing blue jeans a t-shirt and a sweatshirt that's fine with me you can i have no objection to that and another my other major issue also nice to wear something you don't have to have a belt to take off during security who who are these well the belt doesn't set off the alarm but that's a whole other issue no you don't no they told me to take mine off i said i said i even said i said this is not going to set off the metal detector it never has like take off the belt that i don't know they made me last time anyway i've been belt reprimanded before sure i would i promanded i feel like there are people who don't have a pair of shoes to wear to weddings and funerals that have a special pair of shoes for when they're flying to Walt Disney World.

Crocs. time in a day in an entire day one time taking off your shoes and then retying them that you have to wear that you have to wear special airplane shoes i mean jesse it's all about convenience i mean if you want to talk about the people you're talking about they've got a canvas bag with them in that bag they've got who knows they maybe got some light reading material they've got well they've got a cheese they maybe got some light reading material they've got well they've got a cheese they've got a cheeseburger bag not even a sack full of cheeseburgers they've got an ugly sack full of white technically they've got two bags they've got their burger bag they've got their burger bag that should be able to snugly fit inside their canvas bag they got a

few foot longs on the way there they got a they got5 footlongs, so $10 total. You know, one for health. Sure. Yeah. And one just, and one hauled out full of candy. Sure. Just a footlong week with... Jujubes.

What they call a candy sneak. Yeah, because they think it's illegal to take candy on a plane. Sure. Because they're dumb. They've got probably just a whole bunch of... There was a period. It depends on the threat level, whether it's illegal to bring candy on the plane.

If it's orange, it's okay. If it's red, it's not okay. Well, if it's red gummies only. No hard, no sucking candies. You cannot bring a Werther's. Forget about chocolate. Forget about chocolate. Yeah, you just put that out of your mind. Yeah, you leave that sam You cannot bring a Werther's. Forget about chocolate. Forget about chocolate. Yeah, you just put that out of your mind.

Yeah, you leave that sampler with the x-ray guy. The Whitman sampler, yeah. You leave that Whitman sampler with the x-ray guy, and he's going to keep it. He can mail it to you. Even when it's amber, they're going to want to know the percentage of cacao. Sure. Sorry, Dave. You were trying to defend these horrible people.

You were enumerating what's in this person's canvas. I wasn't trying to defend them. I was were trying to defend these horrible people. You were enumerating what's in this person's canvas. I was trying to defend them. I was just trying to understand them. I mean, granted, I've never taken a cheeseburger sack onto a plane. Never. Never. But I have seen people next to me with a trashy tabloid. Horrible airport food.

You know what, though? And a lot of it. I'll bring chicken nuggets on an airplane. horrible airport food. You know what, though? And a lot of it. You know, that to me seems... I'll bring chicken nuggets on an airplane. Well, yeah, but like... You know, that to me is the thing that I wish people would not do, is take the powerfully smelling fast food on the plane.

That to me is the issue. There's no food on the airplane. I don't know what else to do. Eat in the terminal. Chicken nuggets are so mild. I think your beef is not with Jesseesse i mean i can think of i i'm thinking one time and specifically where a guy i guess went to sabaro's and had a baked ziti with him which uh just and just which he ate so fast and then just just rocketed tomato farts at me for the whole for the whole flight i mean i yeah i definitely jordan you

you understand that with the price of fuel these days it's more efficient for uh for an airline to pass out a few baked ziti before the the man was powering your airplane no i was was creeping up from plummeting out of the sky this man's farts i know a chicken nugget is not is not a terribly offensive choice but in general. I had a really calamitous thing happen to me on an airplane the other day. Flying from Long Beach, California, where there's no actual food at the terminal. It's a tiny airport. There's maybe like one refrigerator case with some eggs out sandwiches in it.

On JetBlue, not only was there no food, there's no meals on JetBlue, obviously. They had no snack packs. What? No snack packs. That's part of why you fly JetBlue. No TerraBlue chips? There was TerraBlue chips.

Okay, I want to be clear. There was TerraBlue chips, but I can't make, frankly, I can't make a meal out of three TerraBlue chips, two animal crackers, and one of those Cheetos medleys that only exists on airplanes. Yeah. Well, what you do have to do is comically shuffle them like cards. That really helps. And you couple that with a classic episode of Friends, and you've got a couple hours of entertainment.

Maybe not a meal, but you've got yourself some fun. They'll tide you over. They'll tide you over so you can get a Subway and a Two and a Half Men episode. I don't think I have ever appreciated my interest in sports, my casual interest in sports,

more than when I'm on a JetBlue airplane. I feel like there is nothing... There's no time that I have ever more just been so happy that I can watch a baseball game than when you're on JetBlue and there's 12 channels, seven of which are various ESPNs. They seem to split the JetBlue channels between various ESPNs and various VH1s. I didn't know there was multiple VH1s.

There are a ton of them. You're talking about VH1 Classic. You got to look at VH1 Soul. Sure. Is there a VH1 Soul? Yeah to look at vh1 soul sure is there vh1 soul yeah there's vh1 list i think it's just it's all frangela all the time oh vh1 frangela yeah did i tell you uh did i have i talked on the show about doing that you went on the that you went on television after but you should tell tell Dave because I'm not convinced that you did. I don't know if I said this on the air or not, but I did my first in front of a green screen clip riff recently. Thank you. And I kind of felt like that was a comedy milestone for me. I've been asked to riff in front of a green screen.

What was it for? About clips. This is for the show The Doctors. Erin Gibson did that too. She went right after me. Yeah, I was actually – I don't know if this is an insider secret. I was helping her with some of her pitches before. Oh, nice.

Oh, we could – yeah. I watched that whole – I watched probably the reel you watched. It's crazy. Those clips are insane. Yeah, The Doctors is a show from the makers of dr phil uh where people give kind of dodgy medical advice there's a panel talk a lot about super there's a panel of spray tan doctors and they talk about dildos in a safe daytime way sure that's very true that is exactly i watched it in the tire store and that is exactly what it was like. And anyways, Aaron Gibson went after me, but the person or entity before me was Frangela.

And I'm like, all right, I am definitely on a green screen clip show right now. Can I ask you guys a question? Yeah. When can you change the channel on a public television or turn it off? When are you allowed to do that? Oh, you know, this is similar... This is similar, but I recently asked for the channel to be changed in a bar recently. I said recently twice.

What was the reason? Well, you wanted to tune in to Fuel TV because The Daily Havoc was coming on. Actually, this was actually in Boston, and I had left the Dew Tour without getting to see the Skatevert finals, and I was actually a little bit curious about the Skatevert finals, so I was actually a little bit curious about the Skatevert finals,

so I had them turn on the new tour. What about, I'll give you the example of the tire store. That's two crippling defeats for America in one day. We lost the World Cup that day, and we also lost skateboarding. What? I know. We lost the Flip. I know.

We got beat by a Canadian and a Brazilian. Sorry, what was the competition? Skatevert finals. The Skatevert. I know. In Brazil, they have to make their skateboard out of milk cartons. Sorry, what was the comment? Skate vert vital. The skate vert. I know. In Brazil, they have to make their skateboard out of milk cartons. Sure, yeah. And wadded up newspapers.

It's one milk, one flattened milk carton, four wadded up newspapers. So why did America lose? Did we not get vertical enough? We didn't. We did not. We were not. We did not do. We didn't get enough air.

Mm-mm. Yeah, that's the ultimate problem. I really want to know, when can I change this? I was in the tire store waiting for my tires to be replaced. And there was one other person sitting in the quote unquote waiting area. They were not watching the television and the doctors was on. I was not enjoying the doctors naturally and i kind of wondered if i could either change the channel or just turn it off it was i wouldn't have had to

stretch for it it was on a table not in a corner in a in an upper corner sure i yeah i think well with me in this bar i i asked the bartender, then I asked the people sitting at the bar around me if I could change it. They were pro-vert. Yeah. And I think you would have to be the world's biggest dick to say no to someone. They were vert positive. Yeah.

So I think it's kind of a situation where the people kind of have to say yes. But I think if you just make sure to get at least a little nod from everyone in the vicinity, you should be able to do whatever you want to to the TV, including marry it. What about at Kaiser? When I'm at Kaiser and when I'm waiting to see my physical therapist for my minor back injury, there's a lot of people there, and they're almost watching it. They're certainly not talking to each other or enjoying their drinks or each other's company, as they would be in a bar.

Sure. Well, if you're at Kaiser, same thing, just make sure to get a little nod from everybody. Just maybe announce. I just, you know,

I just would rather watch Regis. See, I think, I think when it comes down to it, I think the nod is important. Although I'm going to have to amend it and say that if you're at Kaiser, they're probably playing the doctors because it's, it's medical. Sure.

It's important. And you probably should be paying attention if you're about to be seen. You're probably not the doctors because it's medical and it's important and you probably should be paying attention if you're about to be seen by a physician. You're probably not eating enough blueberries. Or Akai berries. Fair enough. There was a clip on that show about an orgasm smoothie. Did you see that one? I did see that one.

Is that a smoothie made of, what, clitorises? Finely ground. Gross. Gross. Sorry. It's fine. We can move on beyond what I just said. No, no. Let's harp on it.

Finely ground. Clitorises. Nice. We'll be back in just a second with more on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Dave Horwitz, the mayor of Mars. Dave, it's great to have you here. Always nice to have someone from the WB.com's hit internet television program, Downers Grove. Oh, yeah. You've had pretty much the whole cast and crew on at this point, right? we we wanted what they call the downers grove hat trick yeah to get the true wb.com experience you really need to kind of get a flavor yeah of just everyone a sampler so we had uh we had uh michael keaton yep we had uh tim allen and now we've got you. Perfect. Oh, I'm thinking of Toy Story 3. Oh, I think I was in Toy Story. Wait.

Was Toy Story 3 the web show that is on the web? Yeah, about a bunch of slacker friends wondering what they should do with their life post-college. Yeah, Toy Story 3. Toy Story 3. I made that show. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Michael Keaton's great in that.

We haven't heard from him in so long, and it's nice to see him being funny again. I've missed Michael Keaton so much. It was great working with him. Yeah. Can I offer you— Now, be honest with me, Dave. A lot of that was improv from Michael Keaton. I could just tell that was him riffing.

Keaton's a cut-up. No, sure. Yes, there was a script. Yes, we got takes of him doing it on book. And then we just say, this takes for you, Mike. Mike, just go. Just go. And he did it. And those are the takes that takes for you, Mike. Mike, just go. Just go. And he did it.

And those are the takes that ended up in the movie. Tell me what's going to happen in this clip. Oh, okay. This is a clip of a silly putty container in Toy Story 3. And he rolls off the shelf. He splats on a newspaper. And then he says, what am I gonna do with my life post-college

um uh-huh seriously guys Toy Story 3 now in theaters I haven't seen it I know it's gonna be good yeah can I ask you guys a question can I ask you guys a question great what yeah we had that was fun you guys a question? It was great What? Yeah That was fun

You guys want to do it again? You want to do it again? You guys want to do some more of your cool scenes? I thought it was pretty cool It was cool It was a great scene It was a lot of fun It was a cool scene

It was fun It was a very cool scene What? What is? It was a 21st century version of Warhol's factory. That's how cool of a scene it was. This feels like a happening.

Right? I want to ask you guys, do you guys get the feeling that AIDS is starting? That like, this is the start of AIDS. This is the end of free love, guys. I think we're witnessing the end of free love. It's time for the me generation.

Do you guys want to have one more cash fuck? Cash fuck? Cash fuck. Cash gay fuck? Just let me know when everything's all sorted out. No, no, go for it. Yeah, do what we were supposed to do. I just wanted to give you guys a chance to get your yeah yeahs out sure we just we just kicked

out the jams and i think now we're i actually i actually want to talk about a scene thing because dave and i realized uh when dave got here and dave and i had never uh properly met um i don't think had we after a show maybe we'd shake in hands but uh we'd never properly met and uh don't think, had we? After a show, maybe we'd shake hands, but we'd never properly met, and Dave and I realized that we were at the same party on Saturday night. We were at a friend of Max Fund, Don Glover, Donald Glover,

had sort of like a he was moving out of his loft downtown or something like that, and it was very pleasant, a lot of nice comedy people there and whatnot. So I ran into a couple of past Jordan Jesse Goh co-hosts. Kevin Sprinkles Pereira was there. Jonah Ray was there.

Sure. The very funny Jonah Ray. And I had, I know that you mentioned, and I told you to save it, that you had something happen to you at this party. The party itself, uneventful. It was just pleasant. It was a nice party.

When my wife and I were leaving, I don't know. I guess I had in my mind the idea that a downtown loft in Los Angeles could be an artsy thing, sort of in the way that one imagines a downtown loft to be. But it's not at all. Not even a little bit i learned when i got into the elevator for this loft building so my wife and i get into this elevator and the security guard for the building is standing on is standing by the buttons uh he's

just pressing ground over and over and over and over and over. And I said something like, well, it was worth a shot, but it looks like it's moving of its own accord. You know, it's not going to go on our time. Just something friendly about the fact that he couldn't get the doors to close as he liked them. Very innocuous. Very innocuous. You weren't implying that he was like a fuck-up. No, not at all. That he had fucked up his life.

Not at all. His life was clearly... The man was like 65 years old. He was probably a retiree. He just had some extra part-time income. And he just ignored me. Just didn't even turn to face me.

We were the only people in the elevator. I addressed him in a directly and friendly type way and so i was like okay that's fine he doesn't have to engage me he can keep pressing his button if he wants to it was fine elevator stops on the next floor these four dudes get on the elevator and were they were too old to be dressed the way they were and for that reason i assumed that they must be gay um okay i assume that they must be the kind of sort of uh perpetual bachelor sort of uh subsection of uh of gay adult men

where you can be 40 and live kind of a 23-year-old's lifestyle. You know what I'm talking about? A 40-year-old that's not above a few amyl nitrate poppers. To relax the anus. But here's... Pre-sex. Right? Here's the thing.

Right? Here's the thing right here's the thing these guys these guys were also uh four dudes with sort of like two-day stubble and kind of worked out a lot type dudes that also contributed to my idea maybe these are just sort of like uh uh like to go to palm springs and party type a little bit a little bit uh too old for what they're doing, but because they don't have children, that's their lifestyle. It's fine. That situation.

Except that the fact of the matter is these dudes were too awful to be those dudes. Okay. These dudes. And so what I realized is, oh, right. I live in Los Angeles where you could just be basically like the guy from Poison, only you weren't in any famous bands. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, you have your...

You work at a post-production house or something. At best. I frankly have a hard time imagining these guys holding down that kind of gig. Frankly, I have a hard time imagining these guys holding down that kind of gig. Okay. But they – it's sort of like this creepy level of sheen on a guy who is – I can't even imagine where these guys could have worked. But I can't imagine them having like old money or something either. Yeah.

I mean I think what you're getting at is that it seems like this would be like a specific kind of person but in los angeles you can just be a los angelino and have embroidered uh jean pockets they were kind of yeah they were kind of roidy like they were sort of like one of MTV Jersey Shore if that guy was also 41. Okay. And just like a little bit baldy. Just a little. But again, I want to be clear, not in the sense that they had just like, well, they've gone suburban,

but they still wore their Judas Priest T-shirt or whatever. Someone who actively has their claws deeply grim so you don't think this is like oh you know you know on the weekdays we're you know we're dads we wear polo shirts we take the kids to soccer but they're like you know when it's saturday we cut loose uh no the wife takes the kids and we throw on our jeweled shirts exactly and it was not like sort of like you think these guys like this is par for the course. And at least you kind of imagine that at least if someone who's living in a downtown loft isn't sincerely a live, work, artistic type of person,

at least they're a rich person who reads Dwell and aspires to be that person. Like I think probably the loft economy is such that there's not a lot of actually artistic people living in lofts, living and working in lofts. Although, to be fair, our friend Brandon Bird lives and paints in his downtown loft. You think that this is someone who gets the loft first and then is going to work on the art. Like, I got the loft, now I'm going to figure my shit out.

I think the thing about downtown la is that they're trying to find like a rhyme or reason to it is the kind of thing that will just create these circular logic loops because for me i know plenty like a friend of mine splits a loft with a friend she lives there during the she sleeps there at night and then my friend paints there during the day and i also also have friends who use, like, Loftus production facilities and editing bays. But then I also have friends who live there because it's cool and because they're becoming these sort of – Because they're getting really into sangria. And there's, like, a lot of good sangria places.

Okay, so getting back to this elevator, it only got more complicated from there. So my mind is already reeling at these four dudes, and they're all dudes and they're all together. And they started talking about their pet ducks. Yeah, and you're like, what? What subset is this? What are you? Where do you work?

The first thrust of my brain to make sense of this is these are just kind of like slightly douchey los angeles form of gay dudes but then when i realized that they weren't gay dudes it just broke down like who are these dudes that are hanging out you have one uh you grabbed one i grabbed his dick and he wasn't into it so he recoiled everybody knows that so i was like so then what is the cultural explanation for who these people are because it was was just, you know, it just went too far. It just went too far to beyond the bounds of taste. And so the next group of people that got in were this sort of like skinny-ish guy, like rock and roller type guy.

Not a muscly guy. skinny-ish guy, like rock and roller type guy, not a muscly guy, and a woman with the giantest boobs you've ever seen in your entire life. Nice, I like where this story is going. And they were basically completely exposed. Yeah. Nice.

Now you're painting a picture. She was wearing it was like Pamela Anderson or something. I remember her. Where you see or something. I remember her. Where you see the boobs. I remember her being foxy. You kind of feel like it's kind of a goof about her boobs.

Yeah. It was all boob. And they were horizontal boobs. They were purely horizontal and enormous. They had no form to them besides giantness. And they were not in proportion to her. This was not a giantess. No.

I presume these were false boobs. Okay. Falsies. Yeah. And so. Clip-ons. Clip-on boobs. And now the elevator is getting really close.

And it sort of smells like cologne and cigarette smoke. It's really gross. And there's so many stops in this elevator uh because uh you know not to brag on behalf of our friend donald glover but uh he lived on the penthouse floor yeah so there's a lot there's a long way to go down so uh he's got that nbc primetime money then this woman this woman gets in the elevator and she's sort of like she's sort of like a small shrewish woman. And but but a younger, younger woman, maybe a 30 year old ish woman.

And she looks at the she looks at the security guard and these other people on the thing and goes, so are you guys going to seven? Because I already called the cops on him. And apparently she was bothered by a different party, Not the party that was, but a different party. And no one engaged her at all, because she said it in a really mean way. And that's a mean thing to say. Yeah. And I mean, look, I'm a square.

I'm on board with calling the cops on a party. But she was being really mean about it. And then the lady with the giant boobs tries to engage the woman by being friendly. She's like, oh, yeah, you know, sometimes it just gets out of control in this building, doesn't it? Ha, ha, ha. I guess we all signed up for that when we lived here. We decided to live here. And the woman would have none of it.

She would not be friends with this woman at all. And then one of the big muscle dudes looks at the woman with the giant boobs and says, hey, I like your necklace. Yay. And then, but wait. So then the woman with the giant boobs who's on the other side of the elevator says thanks it's from shop supermodel.com and the guy goes the guy goes you need a secret password to shop there like they won't let you just order it like the guy goes supermodel the guy goes in training yeah not trying to be mean

or crude or anything but it's a nice necklace he doubles down this woman is he says he he's obviously making he throws the extra wink in there he's making a transparently rude comment about

her tits yeah he made which frankly she invited. And she would have... You're saying she was asking for it by the way she was dressed. And then she goes... And then in response, this woman goes, yeah, it's from shopsupermodel.com.

My girlfriend runs it. Yeah, so here's what was going on. She was a viral marketing plant, this woman. Okay, you go into a crowded elevator. Placed on an elevator to raise awareness about ShopSupermodel.com, which her girlfriend runs. Which we're doing here. Yeah.

The guy who said it was a nice necklace twice with that inflection should have just cut out the middleman and had the same inflection, but just said, you know, I'm really looking at your tits. Because at that point... You know the ones. Yeah. You know the ones. The ones below your neck. Barely below your neck. And the woman, I want to be clear,

the woman with the giant tits, she's, as far as I'm concerned, this woman is the hero of this situation. From your story, she comes off very well in this story. She clearly did not understand that he was making a rude comment. I don't want to suggest that it's possible that she was letting it slide

or trying to get out of the situation. She, from her tone of voice, very, very clearly did not understand that he was making a rude comment. She was just jumping at the chance to talk about ShopSupermodel.com. Which everyone should go to.

Our girlfriend runs it. That is what was happening. We've got giant boobs. Number one, I give her sincere points for actually trying to be nice to the Shroosh woman who continued to talk about how horrible everything was. And then they had this conversation about how it's okay to play your stereo really loud at 4 o'clock in the morning,

but just keep your windows closed. This building. And so I felt – but the blonde woman with the ridiculous rack, she – Crazy rack. She was – It was bananas right she maintained a tone of uh thoughtful consideration for the others in the in the elevator the whole way and for that i have to give her credit but i think that the fact that she was such a nice lady uh and also so spectacularly uh uncomprehending

uh only added to the general nightmare vortex feeling that was going on inside of that elevator. Yeah. Again, and this is this goes back to my issues with Jordan's problem with the Terminator comment. My biggest problem is all these people are in the elevator going down. The lady gets on and says, are you going to the party on seven? They're not going to the party on seven. They're going down. And meanwhile, the whole time these people are having this big conversation about the crazy parties going on in the building. The security guard.

Next thing you're going to be telling me is that the alien has a cloaking device. That's the predator. Sorry. The security guard. They can't cloak themselves. The security guard doesn't engage any of it. He doesn't even. He just continues to press the button.

He just continues to press this button over and over and over. It's clearly the kind of elevator where pressing the button does not make the doors close. No. He works there. He should know that. just press it once i mean maybe that's just maybe that's just part of his routine or part of his like yeah one of his maybe one of his steps so he keeps the voice of his dead wife out of his head he's gonna press that button 30 times a day one more time and that bitch is done for it was so horrible and i just realized like what are why do these people live

here like what is it that they want out of this experience like what can they gain they exist like i really like it must just be a place where because i had been i had had this experience where i went to the craft store in in in los angeles there's In Los Angeles, there's a garment district downtown where there's lots of fabric and fabric stores and things like that. And so I went downtown to buy some crafts that I needed to buy. I was buying some silk flowers to wear as a boutonniere.

Naturally. Naturally. We know. And so I went on Yelp to see what's the best place to buy some silk flowers in the flower slash fabric district, which are right next to each other. I figured that's the place to go, right? And I noticed that all of the reviews, as always, on Yelp in Los Angeles were about, A, parking lots, and, B, whether the parking lots made it

so that you didn't have to walk down the sidewalk because, oh, my God, it's in a really shifty neighborhood. And I feel like, why do those people live in that building? Why are those people who have sought out this place to live, I feel like the people who talk about bums in their yelp review of a craft store uh are the same people are somehow the same people living in these downtown lofts they must never go out their door it sounds like everybody yes it sounds like you just want to live with a lot of other people who are super fuckable. Yeah. I mean, right? We want roidy guys.

We want chesty babes. We want mean ladies. We want insane security guards. Yeah, and I want to fuck all of them. Yeah, sure. I mean, this sounds like this could turn into a real kind of Greco-Roman downtown fuckfest. But I want to be clear that while i i understand why uh why our

friend donald before this aids gets off the ground why why our friend donald glover was moving out of this apartment it was it was a lovely party and what was what was your experience at the at the party my story was actually one of um uh hope and um thank god because because honestly because what happened is i had a lot of hope Because I ran into Sprinkles And I was really happy to see him I hadn't seen him in a long time Had a nice talk with him and Jonah Ray And then everything got turned to shit

By these Roid people But Dave you learned the true meaning of Christmas From what I understand So I was there I ran into just a whole kind of mini circle Of friends that I wasn't expecting to see but great people and uh and a friend of mine who is an even newer acquaintance than any of any of these other people was there was there and i got to talking to him and you know slowly i got to we

he and i got to talking and it was very friendly and we were both uh kind of um kind of scoping out the the patio area together and he said uh oh man, man, there's a lot of girls at this party with really big eyes. And he wasn't being sarcastic, and he wasn't making a euphemism. Was he excited about that, or was he concerned? He was excited in that kind of, not heartsick, but kind of romantic, like, Oh man, like these beautiful women. And then I,

and like, I looked at my, my periphery and there were, yeah, there was like two or three girls with, with, I would say larger than normal eyes, like very kind of piercing.

And, uh, and that sort of became a running gag where we'd kind of think you can get, you can start swimming in. Yeah. I get lost in those, in those puppies. Lipid pools.

Maybe they're, lipid pools. Maybe they're, uh those puppies. Lipid pools. Lipid pools. Maybe they're being framed by those oversized librarian glasses. You know what I'm talking about? Not the little square rectangular ones. That's yesterday's news. I'm all the sort of practically bottom of the nose to eyebrow size. Jumbo grannies. I like when they're wearing a virtual reality helmet.

Oh, yeah. I like a girl who wears a virtual boy to a party yeah talk about talk about a world you can get lost in yeah right uh so we would sort of disperse a wario's world the wario game for virtual boy i played it uh it came standard with the with the system it? I don't know. So we would, my friend and I would disperse and we'd come back. Uh, we kind of reconvene every, maybe like 20, 30 minutes.

And he would just, he would be like, yeah, yeah, they're, they're still everywhere. And lo and behold, you know,

they, they just seem to be wherever we would go, they would go. And, uh, and he sort of started fixating on one girl in particular. Uh, and it just sort of seemed like this far flung,

like, Oh, I'm going to, you know, admire her from afar. And then I'm going to leave. And, uh, and then he sort of came like this far flung like oh I'm going to admire her from afar and then I'm going to leave and then he sort of came back and there was a sad, there was a dip in the

joy because he said well it looks like she's found a guy she's sitting over there talking to a guy, it's over, I mean it was a nice it was nice while it lasted they're both pushing G they're alternating pushing G it's important to have hobbies.

They both got demons to kill. With repetitive tasks. Whether you're a younger person who hasn't yet had children or you're an older person who's looking for something to fill your time during retirement, it's important to have hobbies. It's important to have buttons. I have the

craft store. They have the elevator button. Some people have silk flowers. Some people have a repetitive task that stops the voices in their head. Sure. So the last thing

that happened at this party after he said, you know, it looks like the dream is over. She's found her man. Still, no one has, there's been no interaction.

There's not even been eye contact. Okay. But we're leaving. I'm saying goodbye to people. I'm waiting in the line for the bathroom. He's waiting goodbye to people i'm waiting in the in the line for the bathroom he's waiting to two people behind me he's at the bottom he's at the end of the line out of nowhere this girl comes up to him and i hear hey is this the is this the line for the

bathroom time out yes it fucking is there's nothing it is except the line for the bathroom so it clearly you guys are all comically holding your crotches and doing like a little dance doing a pee dance yeah and he's like yeah it is and i'm like oh it's this is over he's too shy he's not gonna say anything and she and then she goes hi i'm forget her name but she introduced herself wow classic hollywood opening sure cute. Meet and greet. Yeah. He responds. They peed on each other. Needless to say, it was a golden shower, Greco-Roman fuckfest in a downtown way.

No, but. In a downtown way. But I was. Michael Jackson and Gerald Casale from Devo were smoking PCP. Sure. Vincent Gallo was in town. He was there taking, snapping, snapping Polaroid. No, but I left the party and they were talking to each other and it seemed like something was happening. So I left that party believing not only in the power of Hollywood magic, but also in love.

Wow. You know what? At the end of the day, no matter what you throw in its path, be it security guards, giant boobs. Michael Keaton. Michael Keaton. He's back, guys. He's back in a big way. A rejection of the previously accepted values of what art is.

Campbell's soup cans. We all know. Campbell's soup cans. We all know. AIDS. The AIDS epidemic. We all know that love will triumph. Yeah. Dave Horowitz, Jordan Morris, I'm Jesse Thorne. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, great to be wait a minute are you the dave horowitz from the wb.com hit series downers grove i am i try not to talk about it a lot but i'm sorry i don't mean i know you get accosted a lot i don't mean to embarrass you but because a lot of times i'll go to the wb.com slash downers grove downers hyphen grove downers hyphen grove and well i thought that i thought everyone knew that url so i didn't feel like i needed it's like what you don't say i mean you don't say google.com you say google right so anyway i'm just kind of i'm just kind of nervous to be here in the same room with you it's all i'm saying i'm honestly i'm flattered but when we when my production team sorry dad productions and i made downers grow for the wb.com w.com slash downers

hyphen grove we just wanted to make something that people could relate to and people would just maybe like have fun watching i mean it's a little freaks and geeks in tone sure uh you know it's a little goofy it's the goofy side of serious um You know what I really loved you in? Multiplicity. Oh, man. And Batman. The first Batman. I'm super flattered, but I think you might be thinking about Michael Keaton. Yeah.

And I love you in Out of Sight, too. Oh, man. Such a wonderful performance. And I played the same character in Jackie Brown. Yeah. Absolutely. And I love Jackie Brown. I think it's probably the most underrated Tarantino film because of your great work, Dave. Yeah, thank you.

That's the reason it was underrated. Yeah. Batman Returns also an underrated work of mine. I liked it. Huh? You said you liked it? No, I thought you were saying that it would be good. Yes.

Yes. I'd say my favorite thing I've ever been in is Batman Returns. Sure. That's like a personal movie for you. Like, I could tell it was like, maybe they didn't want to make it, but you used some of your star muscle to just push that through.

And then the fan favorite, of course, is Mr. Milf. Sure. Who wants to take some telephone calls? We do. When something monumental happens to you, we ask that you call in 206-984-4FUN and let us know for our hit segment, Momentous Occasions. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go.

This is Kevin from Petaluma with sort of a momentous occasion. Maybe it's just a creepy occasion. I was just walking out of a supermarket here in my own town, and a 10-year-old girl, a little husky 10-year-old girl, giving me the jack-off, the international sign for jacking off. Yeah. So that happened. It's momentous

Absolutely You gotta hand it to her It was a moment That's an occasion that happened It's a magical moment in somebody's life She's husky Do you think it was just a situation of like She saw a you know older sibling doing it

And didn't know what it meant I think the description of her being husky She's 10 years old she's hanging out by a would you say a supermarket yeah i think she's got she's got a chip she's got a chip on her shoulder that jack off motion is motivated yeah okay maybe that was just to the general world around her like hey society fuck the world yeah you made hostess cakes taste hey this is paul from missouri and I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I just got a perm to help a friend pass beauty school.

Now that's a momentous occasion, right? Sure. It's lovely. It's a beautiful moment in anyone's life. For more than one person. Passing beauty school, getting a perm. Yeah, not a bad hairdo choice. Absolutely not.

Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is Adam from Denver. I just was walking past a bar, and on the outdoor patio, I witnessed a dog birthday party. There were lots of dogs running around as if they were these people's children, wearing party hats, being sung to, and given treats. I'm freaking out a little bit. I don't really know what to think about this

and what this means for the rest of us. Take care, guys. I'll tell you what it means. It means everything's going to be okay in the world. Sure. This whole oil spill thing is going to get taken care of. Within a week. Yeah, sure.

What kind of jerk is against her dog having a birthday party? That's great news. Yeah. So I think, here's I think what I'm curious about is, is this, is this, is this the kind of settled down hipster set having a dog birthday party? Or is this a bunch of old ladies? It's not entirely... I'm fine with either one. Yeah, yeah.

I'm not saying that one is better, but... I'm sick of these people telling me not to treat my dog like a child. I don't have a child. Yeah. I'll treat my dog... You've got to treat something that way. And you know what?

Most of the things that people will say to you that are weird about treating your dog like a child, they're things that would be weird if you were treating a child that way. Yeah. Like putting clothes on it. Children should be naked. Here's what I think. Hipster or not, I don't think irony factors into this at all.

I want to believe that it was an irony-free dog birthday party because you should be able to enjoy the company of a bunch of dogs. Yeah, that was my biggest – I was so glad that he answered it. I was going to – my only question was going to be were they wearing hats. Yeah, I mean I think it's easier to find – if you are one of the settled-down hipsters to find a bunch of of other settled down hipsters who want to have a dog party, I would think it would be tougher for an old lady. Because, you know, it's probably harder to find a bunch of other old ladies who are on board for that kind of thing. Because a lot of their husbands are still alive. Sure.

Mm-hmm. Right. And they think it's gay. And if not, they've got a baker's dozen of cats. And so they can't take their one dog out hi jordan and jesse um i'm just calling because today i made my first dick joke which i definitely attribute to um all the time i've been listening to you guys because i feel like my friends don't really do that that much but uh i did it i was driving with two of my guy friends, and it went over excellently.

They were totally floored. What was it? What was the joke? Come on. Maybe she says what it is. Okay. So, yeah, thanks for – She doesn't.

She doesn't. That is what we like to call joke blue balls, which is in and of itself a dick joke. You could learn something, lady. Proof. But I'm Stand and Deliver. Stand and Deliver starring Lou Diamond Phillips. I feel like – Right?

No. No. Another Mexican. James Olmos. There you go. Edward James Olmos. Lou Diamond Phillips, Edward James Olmos. Jaime Escalante.

Potato, potato. Dick and balls. Dick. I had this amazing Edward James Olmos. Jaime Escalante. Potato, potato. Dick and balls. I had this amazing Edward James. They should do like a cop show, Edward James Olmos and Lou Diamond Phillips called Dick and Balls. Which one's Dick? Edward James Olmos is a favorite actor of mine. I've always been a big fan of the film and play Zoot Suit.

And I was having dinner with a lady who wrote for Battlestar Galactica. And she kept calling him Eddie. Not as a douchey Hollywood thing, but because that's his name that he goes by. And I could not have been more disconcerted by the idea of someone, not just that that's his name but that anyone would call him that even if it is his name i hear in an interview contact in an interview context anthony hopkins says just call me tony wow yeah sir anthony wants to be called just going to be called tony but to be fair when you're talking to sir anthony there's no doubt there's no danger

that he might cut you yeah you do what he says yeah with edward james almost i bet no i i here's the thing i think anthony hopkins might have a cane sword i mean sure i think uh edward james almost might have some sort of concealed razor blade that's certainly a concern but anthony hopkins he probably has a cane sword i've also heard that... Or a gun sword. If you look at him the wrong way in an interview, Michael Caine will pistol whip you. Sure. He's upset because Americans confuse lower class and upper class British accents. There's a distinction.

He's upset about... Yeah. People think he's Tony, when in fact, he's not. He's a street tough. He was a pauper. He grew up a pauper. And now he's a prince. And now he is Prince.

You didn't know that? What? Yeah, Prince has been having some misproblems. Michael Caine is Prince? Yeah. Michael Caine is Prince. I'm Michael Keaton. Who are you? Caine Sword. Caine is prince I'm Michael Keaton Who are you?

Caine Sword We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go La la la la la la la It's Jordan Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris, boy detective Dave Horowitz, the mayor of Mars Did you like how this episode had sort of, in a way, a return to my world-famous rants?

Yeah, sure. A lot of me bellyaching in this week's show. Apparently your craw is stuffed with sticky items. Yeah. Well, you know. I think we all did a fair amount of complaining in this episode. That's good.

Sometimes the world needs a little goosing. Just a little negativity. Sneak up behind it and squeeze the balls. Sure, absolutely. That's not what a goose is. Not what a goose is.

No, yeah. Squeezing is... Squeezes the bottom. It is. Me and my grandpa used to goose each other all the time. That's not...

Oh, you were molested. Oh, my God. What you thought was happening was something totally different. Yeah. And it's what fucked you up. Oh, this checkout molested. Oh, my God. What you thought was happening was something totally different. Yeah, and it's what fucked you up. Oh, this shook out so weird. Oh, I'm so sorry. Do you want to talk about it?

Don't want to talk about it. Let's talk about it off air. Let's do it off air. Let's have fun. While we're on air, remember, our job is not to talk about molestation it's to give the world a little goosing sure yeah just just to remind people that you can if you can laugh at yourselves and you can laugh at the world around you then you're not doing so bad yeah look michael it's been such a pleasure to have you oh yeah uh go see batman see Batman in theaters summer 1989.

We will, Michael. We will. Oh, Dave Horowitz. Should we buy the tie-in McDonald's burger? No. Oh, okay. I thought you would say yes. It contains trace amounts of poison. Dave, wow. Well, thanks for being real about that, Mike.

I mean, usually people would just shill the tie-in product. My fans are really important to me, and if they all die, there's going to be no one left to pay attention to me. I watched Michael Keaton on David Letterman. He and Letterman and Tom Brokaw go fishing together. As like a field piece? No. As buds. Oh, you don't see it. just related they're real life friends wow possibly it was dan rather but i think

it was tom brokaw i mean either way well letterman and keaton were they started doing stand-up together like at the same time out here they really did but i don't know how tom brokaw fits into i don't know if you've ever seen keaton's oh that's a good thing it is pretty bad it's horrible but michael keaton's great yeah you won't get me to say anything bad about michael since then. I don't know if you've ever seen Keaton stand up. Oh, that's a gay thing. It is pretty bad. It's horrible. Michael Keaton's great. You won't get me to say anything bad about Michael Keaton. He's great.

Except that his stand up is bad. His stand up is terrible. But that was 30 some odd years ago and it was a stepping stone to get to such a lucrative film career that includes classic hits as Multiplicity. The Gangster one.

The Gangster. The Naked Gun. Johnny Dangerously. Sure. There you go. Sure. Others. Mr. Mil gunner gangster. Johnny Dangerously. Sure. There you go. Sure. Others. Mr. Milf.

Mr. Milf. Mr. Mother I'd Like to Fuck. He's got to take care of his kids at home, and he's super fuckable. Yeah, very. Dave, let's just say that I go on the internet. I type into my address bar, which is at the top of my browser. I type in thewb.com uh and then i put forward slash downers hyphen grove what would i find there i think the hyphen will take you there if you just

want to if you want to just throw caution to the wind and type in the wb.com uh-huh what you're going to get is you're going to get a site with a lot of original content you're going to get a lot of i love content i'm a young person so i seek out content jordan this will appeal to you i'm going to direct this right to you jesse can i interject here yeah i'm part of web du bois's talented 10th does that get me anywhere the talented 10th being being an african-american professional does that get me anywhere it gets you a free membership to the WB.com. Thank God. And to the WEB.com. Great. But if you go to the WB.com, you will get... I may be mixing up my turn of the 20th century African American leaders.

Is WEB always the talented 10th? Sounds right to me. Okay. I will. But I'm a racist. So. Congratulations on becoming Grand Wizard. wizard thank you was that tough uh no i just had to do some things that were horrible yes uh wb.com you're gonna but they're quite easy because i don't have a hypothalamus

anyway okay so if i go to the wb.com slash downers hyphen grove if you go to that site you're gonna find episodes of veronica mars episodes of friends episodes of one tree hill but you can also get after you're done with all of those after you've watched every season of all those shows you can get original content. And one of those original shows is a show called Downer's Grove. It's a show about four friends who never left their hometown after graduating high school. It's a little bit sad. It's a little bit funny.

It's a little bit rock and roll. That's great. And that's only because there's a little bit of rock music on the soundtrack. It keeps things moving. it's really funny cameos include john ennis from mr show kyle canane uh from the world of stand-up comedy and your hearts and mine um sure and next time around who knows maybe some popular podcasters will be casting it yes uh the episode where the dudes go on a popular Los Angeles podcast.

Or you guys could play alter egos of yourselves. Possibly Jordan and Jesse's cousins who live in suburban Illinois, where Diners Grove is set. Can I pitch something to you? Yes. It's a show about a podcast, but where in order to keep up with the hectic pace of modern

life, we've used DNA to create exact clones of ourselves. But each clone is a little bit off. Oh, yeah. And one of them takes care of his kids at home and it's super fuckable. Yeah. On July 10th, we are having Volunteer Day here at MaxFun World Headquarters. I want to mention for those who live in the Los Angeles, Southern California area, here's what happens on Volunteer Day. We're going to be sending out all these T-shirts that are coming in the mail for all our thank you gifts for the pledge drive. We will be enjoying pizza that I will be providing.

Explain what that is. Explain how to enjoy it. It's a type of cheesy sauce bread. Huh. And... Is that expensive? You'll be meeting the other very friendly people at MaximumFun.org,

doing your part to make the world a better place. Invited guests include Jordan Morris. We'll see what his travel schedule is like. I will certainly be there. Coco the Brown Dog will be there, the world-famous dog co-star of this very program. If you can participate, we need maybe half a dozen more people

to come and help out. You can email Christian at MaximumFun.org. Christian at MaximumFun.org. That's our intern Christian. He's keeping the RSVP list. He will send you the details, but it is Saturday, July 10th, and it will start around 11 a.m. and go until, you know, quitting time sometime before dinner.

And we will be packing up stuff and taking it to the post office, and everybody will be getting their stuff. Wow, a free trip to the post office too, huh? Our DVDs are in the mail now. Okay. So if you're a donor, you should be getting your DVDs unless you put the wrong address into your PayPal, which a surprisingly large volume of people do.

That's confusing. Yeah, but July 10th, email christian at maximumfund.org. There's also information on the website, so you can just go to maximumfund.org and click on it in the sidebar there. Do we have any other important things to say I don't okay sure 206 984 for fun is the

number to call if you have thoughts about the show you want to share something ask us a question you got a case for judge john hodgman you got an action item that you think we should propose something momentous happened to you 206 984 for fun you can email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design from the album Kites Are

Fun, the best of The Free Design, which we encourage you to go out and get. And we'll see you on the forums at maximumfun.org and next week or so right here on Jordan, Jesse, Go.