Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 144: War on Spiders with Sloane Crosley

Episode Date: September 5, 2010

Writer Sloane Crosley joins Jordan and Jesse to discuss the war on spiders, Travis Pastrana's inner turmoil, how kids draw the darndest racist caricatures, and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, Go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

We're joined by authoress Sloane Crosley to talk about fancy New York literary bullshit. Plus, something more important, the war on spiders. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Important weather update. Oh, good.

I'm glad we're continuing with this. The weather has been consistent. Consistently delightful. Okay, I was holding my breath. I just let it out. Jordan, everyone can relate to the weather. No, no, no, I'm just saying i'm i'm saying let's i'm not being critical of you everyone at home listens to me say what the weather is like at the beginning

of the show and the people that are at home say oh that's funny here where i live in akron here where i live in columbia missouri it's been cooler or warmer sure i don't know what it's like to live a hollywood i don't know why we're putting people at ease, Jesse. But I know what weather is. Jesse, putting people at ease doesn't sell ads. We need to be controversial up top. Jordan. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

Ground zero mosque. Ground zero mosque. Okay, good work. No, that was good. Now people are riled up. Their blood's boiling. Yeah, you did say ground zero mosque a couple times. They're more likely to buy the Propecia that we'll advertise later.

Yeah, Axe Body Spray. Sure. By the way, this week... These are some of our many sponsors. This week's episode of Jordan Jesse Go brought to you by Propecia and Axe Body Spray for teenagers with boner problems. Sure. And people who have strong feelings about the ground zero mosque yes um shall we bring our guest into this program our guest is i think we're doing fine i don't know you know what i don't know

that we need a third today because should we just send her home this is going so well this is one of the best jordan jesse goes ever thus far sorry i mean we've touched on we've touched on controversial issues sure we've brought up a few key sponsors that we hope to have. None of this would happen without the energy coming just by me glaring at both of you. I think Propecia is for hair loss.

Oh, Propecia is for hair loss. You're right. What's for boners? I think it's La Vitra. La Vitra is what I'm thinking. I'm thinking of La Vitra. Sorry, I don't Vitra is what I'm thinking. I'm thinking of La Vitra. Sorry, I don't know. Get your mind out of the gutter. Yeah.

Our guest is Sloane Crosley. She is the author of multiple books. You might have heard her a year or two ago on The Sound of Young America when her new book was I Was Told There'd Be Cake. And her new book is called How Did You Get That Number? How Did You Get My Number? Excuse me excuse me this number it's outrage either way yeah um with sloan welcome to jordan jesse go thank you for having me i i i actually uh read i was told there would be cake i thought it was fantastic i re-gifted it to my sister who also thought it was fantastic my gosh thank you two for one are you not on the wrong side of two for one.

And just to be clear, no one bought a copy of this. No, no, no. I gave my publicity copy to Jordan who then gave it to his sister. He needed something to read on the airplane. Do you feel like you would like 13 bucks from both me and my sister? I feel bad now that we've met face to face. I mean, I can get her to send a check.

I feel like with inflation rates, we can talk about it after the show. It might be a little more than 13 she's gonna ask you to do some math wow well do it for the both of us because i can't okay you're gonna be compounding interest do you need money or do you just need help with your long division homework actually that's actually kind of funny because there could be a sort of yeah that would be fine if you just did flash cards in lieu of cash oh sure great yeah yeah i'll accept flash cards in lieu of cash. Oh, sure. Great. Yeah, yeah. I'll accept flashcards

in lieu of cash at any day. Okay. Sloan Clark, Sloan is visiting, visiting the great city of Hollywood, California,

where we live, to, from the great city of Empire, New York. Here's what happened. I did, at 11 a.m.

this morning or 10 a.m. this morning, I had to interview Elijah Wood So you're exhausted because he's a talker He's one of the nicest guys He's just such a nice guy

He kept going off on his trademark rants Here's what happened It was hard On behalf of Dennis Miller It was hard for me to ask questions Because I kept getting lost In his beautiful blue eyes. He does seem to have little pools in the skull, doesn't he?

Oh, my goodness gracious. I couldn't help it. I met him in a press junket situation once, and I will confirm, enchanting eyes. Oh, and he's just such a nice guy. I was telling him about, he was telling me about what he does for FunnyOrDie.com off microphone. He made a fun video with our friend Seth Morris, who's been a guest on this program. And it's very funny. You should watch it on Funny or Die.

He said he's making a new one. It's a commercial for something called the Bunny Museum. That sounds fun. Jordan, did you know about the Bunny Museum this whole time and you weren't telling me about it? Because you're a native of Southern California. No, I mean, if you want to talk about medieval times or Knott's Berry Farm, I have extensive, extensive experience with those.

Apparently, the Bunny Museum is a couple that live in Pasadena, and their entire home is dedicated to bunnies. They have several real bunnies as well as cats. And from what I gather, and this is exclusively, all this information just comes directly from Oscar Award winner Elijah Wood. I don't think he's won any Oscars. All-American good guy, Elijah Wood.

It's just a house. It smells a little bit like cat pee. Right. And it's full of bunny shit from wall to wall. I looked at their website. Like bunny paraphernalia or bunny excrement? No, bunny paraphernalia. I was thinking excrement, too.

No. I'm like, oh, and there are those little balls, so you probably have to, like, swim through. Yeah. Okay. It's the hoppiest place on earth. I took a look at their website. What's remarkable is that behind the bunny

museum is the bunny the Gone But Not Forgotten, or I can't remember what it's called. It says, when a bunny is broken, it's never thrown away. It's just replanted to grow new bunnies. They have a flower bed

full of broken rabbit toys. Oh. Oh, I thought bed full of broken rabbit toys. Oh. Oh, I thought you were going to say corpses. No, no. I feel like Jesse's being misleading. The way you define, like, real cats. I mean, real bunnies. It's full of real bunnies and cats.

Does that imply that there are taxidermied bunnies as well? There's also... I'm incoherent, I'll grant you that. There's a vast collection of bunnies that are not real bunnies. Okay, good. Every surface in the entire home is covered in these bunnies. Okay. And in addition to that, there are not taxidermied bunnies.

Sorry. However, there are freeze-dried bunnies. Oh. But are there peeps? That you could eat in space yeah right so according to elijah wood and again i'm just going off of what oscar award winner elijah wood has told me directly he told me that a freeze-dried animal unlike a taxidermied animal, seems like it's alive, but not moving. So he said a taxidermied animal has kind of a distant look in its eyes. It has a sort of stiffness.

He says that a freeze-dried animal really looks like it's alive, only it's dead and not moving. Yeah, exactly. And apparently, they've had a couple rabbits die that they couldn't afford to get freeze-dried yet. Those are in their freezer. They're wet-frozen. Yeah, those are wet-frozen. So the Bunny Museum, I don't know how you were holding out on me about this whole Bunny Museum thing, Jordan. I'm sorry.

Well, apology accepted. Okay. We'll be back in just a second with more on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, apology accepted. Okay. We'll be back in just a second with more on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Sloane Crosley, author and guest of this program.

It's very literal. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you can have a fantastical nickname if you want to. But, I mean, if you want it to just be descriptive. Okay, shoot. Okay, rodeo clown expert. Okay. Okay. Good.

Is that what you aspire to? What do you say? I would say, yeah. I think there are worse things you could be an expert in. You know, worse subjects you could make your field. Do you see yourself making the rounds, doing the Joy Behar show when there's a grisly rodeo clown accident, perhaps? I do.

I see myself as the on-call rodeo clown sweetheart of America. Uh-huh. Sure. New York Times, I got a question about rodeo clowns. I got a contact. I got a contact. I got a makeup box and a horse. You know, I went to a rodeo not too,

this was a couple of years ago, I went to a rodeo for work. And there was rodeo clowns. And then there was a main rodeo clowns, and then there was a main rodeo clown who was kind of like the audience warm-up guy while the bulls were getting ready. And he was the main clown because he was doing more of a Cirque du Soleil thing.

Well, here's the thing. He wasn't. He was doing, like, funny dances to Beyonce, and he was talking a lot, more than a clown should, which is not at all. Well, if it's a mime. Yeah, yeahce and he was talking a lot more than a clown should which is not at all well if it's a mime yeah yeah and he was doing like topical jokes and uh and like you know a kind of offensive gay voice some stuff like that uh and and also doing everything in a kind of offense oh no that's just a bit of what you know

like like robin williams you know you just see you just see all the characters that are living in his head yeah uh and that's what's getting the bulls riled up yeah right yeah they have a bird's eye view sure uh and he was like you know signaling the t-shirt guns bulls hate out of date hip-hop references sure uh but yeah i felt really like really put off that it wasn't a more classical kind of performance, that it was so modern. I thought they chased a goat or something. Well, yeah. Actually, the thing is I feel a little bit bad that I said that

because I just like the sound of the phrase rodeo clown. I have never had any direct experience with rodeos. That is a nice phrase. Clowns, yes. I've been to a monster truck rally. Hmm. Wow, yes. I've been to a monster truck rally. Have you guys ever been to a monster truck rally? No, uh-uh. Really? Because you think it would be great. Really?

Well, Jordan's a young... Jordan was a 13-year-old in Orange County once. Sure. I mainly went to see Weird Al at the Orange County Fair. That's basically what my outdoor dirt-based activity was. Yeah, I can understand that.

I went to, the closest I've come is I went to a football game in Auburn, Alabama. Okay. But that was much more of a production. I mean, there were 90,000 people. Where did you grow up? I grew up in exotic White Plains, New York. Oh, okay. It's 20 minutes north so uh new york

city so what are the what are the like the summertime family dad takes his shirt off activities oh gosh you know it's it was you know we needed a break from our wintertime activity which is you know drinking zima on the golf course. God knows what the hell we did. I was not a very mischievous teenager, but I definitely did some bad stuff on a golf course. That's what they made them for. Why is that, that it is such an attractive place to go to goof off? It's probably, I think it's an open field where it feels more protected than anywhere else

because it's not a rural enough environment where you actually can separate yourself and have a house party and or have like the clutter family get it yeah you know it's too everyone's too close to each other um and so i feel like it's the one place where there's real space and darkness where you can actually do all your your secret zima drinking pot smoking when i was a junior in high school my calculus teacher mr d uh it was a very small class he told us a story just absolutely apropos of nothing about being out on a golf course with his buddies and rolling up a fat spleef sure and then the sprinklers came on yeah yeah maybe that would be that was at the end of this story? Yeah, well, it got wet.

You taught math. Probably there's... Later, I went on to learn calculus and teach it to young people, such as yourselves. Maybe this would be a fun... He said spleef. By the way, he said spleef.

Oh, sure. Yeah, I just want to make that clear. Maybe if people wanted to call in and talk about the worst things they ever did on a golf course as a teen oh i think that's fantastic yeah i think well my the thing is what's funny is i remember once it's speaking of dad taking off his shirt which is a segue i should just not have in my arsenal at all but um i remember once you know i you know got caught sneaking into the house

late and i fessed up as to where i was and uh he immediately backed off and i couldn't figure out why because he was kind of strict and my mother later explained to me that i guess that you know people used to make out on golf courses in their day that was almost like a lookout point make out point thing that's that's sort of disgusted me because i wasn't with anybody i would have made out with sure but yeah i guess so that would be the worst you know i mean if you're if you're having you really don't want want to make out the day when they're aerating the grass. No. That's what you really don't want.

We would get chased. I remember once the cops sort of, you know, clued in and chased us. And, you know, people had sort of battle scars of, you know, they're very awesome. Guest jeans were torn over the fence from hopping it. I remember I got the cop chase from my youth was because uh we were setting off uh illegal fireworks oh that's so much better and then yeah we heard the siren and then everybody scattered and jumped over the fence and then we all met up at uh mike nguyen's house afterwards to uh go ahead use his full name no i'm sorry blow his cover i'm sorry yeah i know

we're all gonna get arrested we know the oc're all going to get arrested now. We know the OCPD listened to this. Yeah, and they're going to reopen up that case file. They're going to go into the dead file room and we can reopen the case on that time it was loud. Next thing you know, this is going to be on Law and Order Orange County. Sure.

Ripped from the headlines. And the back of your pants. Wait, so did you say what the White Plains, New York summertime fun activity was, if not monster trucks? Actually, I wouldn't really know that much because I went to camp in New Hampshire for, God, it was such a cult. I went to camp for, I think it was nine years in a row for two months at a time. Wow. So I was into it. It was an all-girls camp.

There were like 160 girls on a good day, and it was cultish and strange. Sounds really foxy. Was there a... It was. There was a lot of gym playing that went on. It wasn't foxy ladies. Not pillow fights?

Less pillow fights, mazzy star it's all mazzy star related you know was there a boys camp across the lake that you would paddle out to there was there was certainly we would paddle out in the all hours of the night we had there was a boy scout camp uh there was a sign that we stole from their camp once that we thought was endlessly amusing because it was around a sharp there the entrance to their camp was around a sharp uh curve in the road and there was a giant sign that they had painted which in all symmetrical letters said slow scouts and then the next line said crossing and so we thought that was hilarious and and didn't say much about their intellect but everything about our sort of you know uh i guess lesbian power prowess that we use to pry the sign off yeah this tree and uh carry it back to our

camp but then they lit your camp on fire and who's laughing now typical uh summer camp prank so funny and you guys all someone drowned yeah you guys all ran out in tears and they yelled gotcha we burned down your camp but yeah that's what we that's what we did i wish i could i wish i went until someone drowns. Yeah, you guys all ran out in tears and they yelled, gotcha! We burned down your camp. It was great. But yeah, that's what we did. I wish I went to a cool summer camp. It's like all I want in the world. My brother sometimes is like a camp counselor

at the summer camp. I went to summer camp for two years, but it was totally unremarkable. Where did you go? Where'd you grow up? I grew up in Northern California. I went in the woods in Northern california it was quite beautiful but um i don't think it was sometimes people have these really intense camp experiences i think it's a northeastern

thing though really i think it is too and i i had a little bit of camp experience in southern california and it was you know modest and you know kind of moderately memorable. But yeah, no one really seemed to be having any big life experiences. I think we – it's actually funny you should say that. I think it's the last time I was really conscious of something actually changing and being a big life experience as it was happening. You're like, this is huge. This is huge. This is awesome.

I'm going to remember this archery lesson and and you know this this you know whatever school dance forever social then when you when you rode rode off to war and then i found war bows and arrows and i realized what pain was when i say war i'm talking about the war concert at the orange County Fairgrounds. Sure, yeah. I was there on the wrong night. I was there to see Sugar Ray, but I got there a day early, and I had to see war instead. We'll be back in just a second on

Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. The Jordan Morris boy detective. Sloane Crosley, still here. I'm so bad at thinking of creative names for myself. I don't know. Rodeo Clown Expert's good.

Just stick with that. Don't feel like you have to have a new one every time. No, that's too complicated. Just clown. Okay. Just clown. Clown. College.

You're a literary clown. A literary clown. I'm a clownerati. Sure. Right. I're a literary clown. A literary clown. I'm a clownerati. Church. Right. I have a question for you guys. It's a sincere question. It's about not ichthyology, which is the study of fish.

Sure. Naturally. It's bug theology, which is the study of bug gods. Hepatitis. Yeah. which is a study of bug gods. Hepatitis. Yeah.

Is there such a thing as a spider season? Like there is, say, a season of The Witch. Or June bugs. Or June bugs, exactly. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I would guess that it would be warm weather. Warm weather, they feel more apt to venture. Like they're more limber? Yeah, more apt to venture out and spin a web.

Trick knees, less likely to act up. Do you know the average person swallows at least five spiders a year? No. In their sleep? No, they don't. Yes, they do. Just because you work in literature doesn't mean that you can tell us these sort of made-up facts. A safe, warm cave in your face and you crawl into it.

But here's the thing. So sleep with your mouth shut. I feel like I hear this, and by hear it I mean I read it on Snapplecaps. I don't buy it. Like, you would, at least one of those times, you would wake up. No, I think you wake up the other 27 times. I think it's the times you don't, that that's what the calculation applies to. I've never woke up and swatted a spider away.

So this would lead me to believe they've been successful in getting into my mouth every single time. This is just typical bullshit that the New York literary establishment wants us to buy into. Ground zero Musk! Ground zero Musk! If you, look. Why are you chanting that? It doesn't mean anything. It means everything. It means it's so important. If Jonathan Ames were sitting in that chair

right now, he'd be telling us that if we drink coke and eat pop rocks at the same time, we'll die. No, you'll float. Jesus. Oh, wow. Wait, float? I always heard explode, too. Yeah, maybe this is an East Coast, West Coast thing.

Maybe at your summer camp. There's an East Coast, West Coast, like, Pop Rocks rap. Oh, yeah. Pop Rocks. Crazy Pop Rocks theory war. It's been crazy. The victims of it are just all nerds. Sure.

You guys are both familiar with the entrance to my home. It's what you might call a corridor. It's an outdoor corridor. There's a fence on one side and the side of the building on the other. You walk down some stairs and you've got to go a solid 15 or 20 feet.

Sure. Somehow spiders have figured out how to each day put seven, 10 spider webs into this 15 foot length of walk. I'm sick and tired of this shit. I'm starting a war on spiders. I think you should put them to work.

Or spray paint their webs gold. You know what I did? That might be fun. Yeah. That might be... So pretty. You guys are spider sympathizers. Well, you look like you're in a beautiful Arabian palace.

How is spray painting a spider web a sympathetic move towards the arachnid community? I took some Simple Green out there and sprayed it on them because I thought I don't have any spider killing juice, but I figure they're not going to be crazy. Coke Zero. But I figure they're not crazy about symbol green. Right? This is my...

I've made a list of the five things that I hate the most about spiders. Number one is that they're creepy. Number two is that they're crawly. Number three is that they're ooky. Number four is that they're not at all kooky. Sure. And number five is that I hate spiders. I ran out of things. But that is my five...

You should have went to spooky there. Oh, well they are spooky. But you know what? We want to leave the spooky off and the hatred on. Did I already say too sticky? No. Look at that. You probably have ten reasons. Yeah. Don't try to change yourself. There are literally thousands of reasons to join the war on spiders.

You know, I don't get that creeped out by them. I don't welcome them, but I think I come from a land where the real fear is cockroaches. And therefore, spiders seem like a garden bug, like a closer relative to the ladybug kind of creepiness, where you're like, oh, that's something that I didn't invite in. Hello. Whereas the cockroach is a real, you know, let's get out the big magazine. You come from the land of the secret shame of the bed bug. It's a no longer.

I think it's a national shame now I hear. No. Yes, like the egg thing. No, it isn't. No. Well, okay. You're saying no isn't. Yeah no well okay well are you saying no as in shock or no you're really no? I don't think it is. Is it? I actually um I had bed bugs I'll I'll tell you uh I did. Because you're not clean. Because I'm not clean and I like to take foreign furniture into my home and roll around in it. No, because I –

Do you – oh, do you – are you a – I was maybe under the impression this was a kind of a Brooklyn-specific problem. Are you a Brooklynite? I'm not. However, it was about five years ago, and I was living in an apartment that faced a garden. And it hadn't really – I got in early on the big bug craze. Thank you. And before the – But you're already over it.

Oh, I'm so over it. Before, you know, the Science Times and The New Yorker and all these articles. Sure. I called – I just wasn't sure what was going on. And you're over Arcade Fire too, right? I'm over Arcade Fire. I get it. Arcade Fire, bed bugs.

It's an accident that you're famous. We don't know what happened. Sure. It's kind of awesome. Fennel. Fennel. Sun-dried tomatoes. Very 90s yeah so the the

even the hatred of them is actually a little bit something they're coming back but um so yeah i called the exterminator and and and told him uh that you know i thought there was just something a little bit weird about you know there's something maybe crawling at night i couldn't figure out what it was there were certain symptoms i won't gross you out with but um he said well do you want me to tell you what they are earwax't figure out what it was. There were certain symptoms I won't gross you out with. But he said, well, do you want me to tell you what they are? Earwax buildup. It was actually little tiny red marks, which

I said, what are these? Are these like the dead bugs? What's going on? And he's like, that is them. And this is a family program, right? Yeah. No, no, not at all. Absolutely not. Is this a family program? No. No, no. This is for assholes and motherfuckers. You may think. Either answer is going to be good for this, no. This is for assholes and motherfuckers. You may think. Either answer is going to be good for this, which is that they're shitting your blood.

Oh, wow. Into your bloodstream? No, into the sheets. That's what these tiny little marks are on the sheet. And they came and they exterminated it. And I was so grossed out. And that was five years ago. And I have a new apartment and a new mattress for anyone who wants to be

friends with me and come sit on my bed and sit on my couch and have me serve them pie. We need that bed. I will not get bed bugs. Is that what you do with your friends?

I actually love to bake, so yes. Take a seat on my bed and have some pie. You have them sit on the edge of the bed first? I live in a studio, so yes, actually.

Are these like, these are, good friends. Close friends. Yes, yes, yes. You, we're talking about live in the studio so yes okay are these like these are these are good friends close friends yes yes yes you we're talking about romantic associates no no no no this isn't like some you'll give a bed pie to just any fella or lady in off the street yes is that wrong no it seems fantastic i just seems like a wonderful lifestyle. You just sit? I mean, the thing is,

you could sit maybe 10 people in my apartment. Do you sit next to them, or do you just stand and watch? If it's like 11, somebody's sitting on the bed. Okay. That makes sense. It's actually kind of comfortable, I think. Yeah. No, it's also a practical concern. Believe me, it's not a euphemism for some other activity.

I mean, I think, in fact, it's almost more unfun than fun. Because I'm concerned that people are going to have like raspberry on the bed, you know, more of a Nazi bed. People are getting a raspberry from your bed? From the pie, from the plate. Oh, I've gone too far in the pie. We can stop talking about this. I'm sorry. Oh, no.

Let's talk about your process. When do you start baking? When does the writing begin? Somewhere between the pie. You also find time to write books between luring people into your house with desserts, forcing them onto your bed. I do, actually, I do.

Rubbing yourself on foreign furniture. I sound like a cat. This is what I would like. like okay i know that we have look we we have thousands upon thousands of listeners all across the world sure some of them when they heard me talk about spiders they were not in their head. Join me. I know that you're out there. What can we do? You're feeling marginalized by the media,

the pro-spider media. I'm sick of this political correctness that says I have to treat spiders like they've earned their way into this country. This is my country. They're not Mexican spiders, you know that, right? I don't care where they're from. Canada. Even worse. Sure. They float

down here in a big crate of poutine. They hide inside that. They're sick of waiting lists for elective surgery. Yeah, you know, well, can you imagine if you were a spider, what would you elect to have done more legs or less i mean i guess it depends what the trend in attractive like what does a spider look for in

another spider it's like i think a big old butt you know those like big so you can shoot out more web yeah or a really nice thorax sure probably uh yeah if uh elijah Wood was a spider he'd have the most beautiful compound eyes wouldn't he just have two he should do the voice of a spider that would be so cute

yeah we'll be back in just a second did you guys did either of you guys see the movie Nine where he was a

tiny steampunk robot he did the voice of that i didn't see that that's adorable is it yeah totally charming charming i'll tell you who's charming elijah wood sure and his tiny sting steampunk robot is no exception oh well then it's solved we're sending elijah wood after the spiders wait can i ask you a question was he an equus or was that daniel radcliffe Or was that Daniel Radcliffe? That was Daniel Radcliffe. I don't think anyone has ever seen

Elijah Wood's penis. If that's what you were going to ask. Not even in a play context, I don't think he's ever shown it. Well, he did show it to Mel Gibson during the filming of Forever Young. But that was for medical reasons. That was because of a threat.

Mel Gibson was posing to him. That was all based on a dare. That was a complicated rite related to a type of Catholicism that rejects contemporary Vatican rules. It rejects people named Elijah.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Sloane Crosley, clown. You're listening to Jordan Jesse go, Sloane Crosley, of course, the author of the very funny I Was Told There'd Be Cake and How Did You Get This Number? How do you get this number? Yeah, but no question mark.

How did you get this number differ from I Was Told There'd Be Cake? All the words are in a different order. It's the same amount of words, though. Actually, no. It is about 15,000 more words for your book. That's a lot more words. Yeah, basically. Were you just feeling chatty?

I needed to share. It is actually a lot more words. But yeah, I think this one's a little longer, a little darker, a little, you know, I just let it be a little, I think, a little stranger and a little less overtly funny. There's less of a dancing monkey quality and more of a dying monkey quality. Which can also be funny. I know. If he's wearing a little tie.

Basically, I think the subjects are more ostensibly unfunny. Like there's an essay about seeing a bear get hit by a car, which I just ruined the end of. There's an essay about, you know, heartbreak, about being lost. That one is called

Will a Bear Get Hit by a Car? Yes! And the next thing is called Yes, I Will. That one's called Light Pollution. Was that in The New Yorker, the bear getting hit by a car? That was in Vice.

Okay. Maybe that's where I read it. I get Vice and The New Yorker confused a lot. Yeah. Because they both have the New Yorker confused a lot. Because they both have the famous fashion do's and don'ts section. And reviews of porno. Yeah, there's so much that's just

shocking about each of those. They have the same photos of Abu Ghraib, I think, in both periodicals. But, yeah, so it's things that are very unfunny. But one, the caption is, look at these homos. The New Yorker. Yeah, that one's the New Yorker.

Did you see there's a website of New Yorker cartoons that have Kanye West's tweets as the caption? I have seen that. I think our friends Paul and Storm were involved in that in some way. Really? Oh, it may be. I think they were one of the, they were behind it somehow. Okay. Every once in a while, the

internet produces such a little golden nugget that you're reminded of why you love it as opposed to hate it, I think. I felt that way. I mean, we talked last week about the lamb running through the hallway. Sure. I think we can all agree there's nothing better than a lamb running through

the hallway. Jordan, we talked about the fact that I am now professionally turning into you uh circa five years ago when you worked for ellen and your job was to pick out viral videos we have not talked about that i'm gonna be doing some segments on this a very fun ifc show that's coming out i think i don't think it's out yet and um uh i somehow i became the viral video guy hey i i and so i've been asking people because i don't know anything that's relevant that's better than being the newspaper guy that's true that's a good videos are on their way up it's better than my previous position is gramophone guy sure's okay. I'll get retro employment. It'll come back.

You'll be the one who knows. I'm still looking for someone to print my reviews of blackface theater. So if you're a major publication or a blog... Looking for a new minstrel column. Sure. Jordan.

It's called Feats Don't Fail Me Now. Jordan. What? There was an important thing that you wanted to broach on this week's Don't Fail Me Now. Jordan. What? There was an important thing that you wanted to broach on this week's program. Oh, sure, yes. Okay, so I was in a social situation the other day. Jordan, by the way, I think we should come up with a name for the segment where Jordan broaches an important topic going on in his life.

Just call it broach. How about social studies? Sure, yeah. Okay. So I was in a social situation the other day. You know that one? Yeah, right. Talking to some people I didn't know.

And this guy... Especially when you don't have any pies to give anybody. Yeah, you have no bed to sit on. If you're suggesting I bribe people, I do. We can move. I mean, I do. But, yeah. And I was talking to a guy who I did not know.

And he launched into a story which was very, very clear. He had planned out ahead of time. and this was the story that he told uh you know at at parties when he met new people and you know it was really it was shoehorned into the conversation pretty awkwardly like not really a thing we were talking about the kind of the the the joke to this story was that like uh if you could look back on your job uh you know if oh if if your 13 year old self could see the job you're doing he'd probably be really impressed so stop complaining and he's like i was talking to some physicists at a physics lab and they were and they were complaining about how hard it was and i'm like guys you work with lasers and like that was kind of the joke yeah yeah yeah and it was as far as

stories go it was fine but the thing that irked me about it was that a you've told this before you know these beats you pause you you know where to pause like this is very rehearsed and we weren't really talking about that um But you found a weird detour into the conversation to tell this story that has apparently killed in other contexts. I have a question. First off, was this Dennis Miller? Yes, it was Dennis Miller. Was he one of his trademark rants?

It was, yes. And then he talked about Obama being a Muslim. So yes, but then I kind of started to feel bad about feeling bad. It was like, well, no, this guy is – this is a better conversation, you know, technique than just like – But it's not for you. That's the thing. Yeah. It's like buying, you know, a freshly made sandwich versus the prepackaged ones.

No one made that for you. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's better than a long just talking about yourself. It is a story that he put a little effort into. It's not just whatever, somebody railing about their opinion about Mad Men or something like that. It's like, okay, I don't want to listen to you monologue about a thing you think about uh so the contents of your brain yeah no interest i don't care if you were a good host of weekend update according to new people, do you guys have something that you just go to? And I don't know know is there a better way

to integrate that into conversation than just bringing it up i think acknowledging it saying this i've told this a million times before but guess what this always kills here's a gift yeah yeah to exert to a certain extent uh capturing and celebrating these stories is your profession well that's the thing i've now run out of, you know, the go-to stories have been funneled into some sort of attempt at a larger meaning and I'm going to say art with air quotes, even though you can't, I'll do them here.

Yeah. But she's being charmingly self-deprecating. Yeah. But I don't, there's, I actually told one today that it's usually it has to be a nugget like that like it has to be a short piece yeah and i do have one should i tell it yeah yeah no no let's hear it let's hear it basically i uh met this guy who was walking with a cane at a party and uh he was limping in a way that implied that it was something

neurological his leg was it wasn't a broken foot he was swinging out and a way that implied that it was something neurological. His leg was, it wasn't a broken foot. He was swinging out. And so, and very, very tactfully, I said, you know, gestured sort of what's going on with that. Expecting to hear, I don't know, a story he might want to tell. And instead, he told a story about being in a bus in Israel when he was 18, which was blown up. Everybody on the bus died, including the bus driver.

His head snaps back. Sorry. There's no headrest behind him. And he was paralyzed, but paralyzed in a very, you know, diving bell in the butterfly kind of way for about a year. But the nerves were crossed in such a manner that he actually could heal from it, which he did. And very slowly, you know, in all through college,

he was in a wheelchair, and now we see him with the cane. And then my story in terms of, and again, it weirdly relates to the Dennis Miller-esque story, the idea of saying, you know, hey, you think you have it bad. I don't know why that those are easy to insert, because mostly I guess people are complaining in casual conversation. There's a weird tie between your example and mine. But yeah, and then my sort of kicker is that i said to him i was like wow that's amazing

because i just got this paper cut and the webbing right between the thumb and you know and he was really game and very sweet about it he's like really did you have to go to the physical therapy for it i said yes it was grueling you know the whole thing and that's where that story peters out but that's good i feel like you like to bring that in you like to bring this out so in case people aren't bummed enough at a party exactly well because it has a it has a gravity it has a humor makes people feel feel better about themselves i have to say it does come up i don't think I've ever shoehorned it in no one's ever been like have you seen any good movies lately and I'll be like I'll tell you about explosions

I don't think I've ever forced it in like that the explosions and the expendables reminded me of a man who was paralyzed in an actual Israeli conflict right on the border if you want to bum people out this is my recommendation instead of doing that at parties

just get a public radio show, claim it's comedy, and just read from the newspaper. Read bad news from the newspaper. I call it the Harry Shearer technique. But do it with like a sarcastic tone in your voice so people know you know that you think it's ridiculous. And then every segment with, can you believe that? Yeah. Anyway. And if you can, I don't know if you have any impressions from 1988.

But if you do, this would be a great time to bring them out. Connie Chung, perhaps? Connie Chung. Yeah, I can do that. Yeah, great. I have this problem. Morpove. I have this problem.

It actually just came up for me this week. I was talking on the email with Kevin Allison, who does the excellent podcast Risk. Yes. Also a live show in New York. Yeah, it's great. I think I may have mentioned it on this show, or I may have mentioned this in casual conversation. Of all the people, of all the podcasters that I listen to read the Audible announcement, I think Kevin Allison does it the best.

Oh, that's fantastic. Yeah. If you listen to podcasts, if you're a podcast listener, you're going to hear that Audible announcement a couple times a week. Sure. Kevin Allison does a bang-up job with it. We've turned it down before, by the way. I just want to say that to our audience.

If they think that we're, you know, we've turned that down. We're classic. Because we hate audiobooks we're against them um but uh i was talking to kevin allison he's like he gave me this list of like six upcoming themes he's like well we're doing radio ones we're doing radio style ones as opposed to live ones because all the live ones are in new york he's like if you want to record something i know you have a studio we would totally love to you know we'll totally run something and i'm like oh great because it's a great podcast sure uh it's kevin allison from the state right i'm like i gotta think of something and i realized that nothing has ever happened to me and if possibly anything has ever happened to me i forgot like immediately afterwards and so all i have i mean i you know

my dad getting judged by the 12 huge men uh of every race in hawaii while naked in the sump hole sure i mean i've everyone on jordan who's listening to jordan jesse goes heard that story that's all i got and it's technically something i mean granted granted it was funny because my dad told it to me apropos of nothing while he was driving me to college. So that part is an experience that I had. But mostly it's stuff that he had because frankly I've

never eaten mushrooms for a week straight. Magic mushrooms. Sure. Not just regular ones. I don't think I've probably ever eaten regular mushrooms for a week straight. Not crazy about them. But I feel bad. I feel like I've probably ever eaten regular mushrooms for a week straight. Not crazy about them. But I feel bad. I feel like I've never done anything even to get a stock story to tell. You know what?

I think maybe the skill in this is taking the funny life thing and finding some sort of greater meaning in it. Like some sort of greater meaning in it, like some sort of thing. And as lame as this physics laser story was, it did have an element of that. It did have an element. Yeah, yeah, it had an element of like, hey, you know, we all complain, but... It had an, and here's the kicker.

Yeah, yeah, and I guess i guess yeah maybe that's the maybe it just needs to have an end maybe that's the the easiest thing is something where you can like think well this conversation has really sort of you know gotten unwieldy and out of control i'm going to tell a story that's a little you know has a neat end what about a bear getting struck by a car for instance what about this as an alternative? What if we just memorized one month's humor in uniform in the Reader's Digest?

And just use that, because that always has a kicker. It's narrative. When aren't you, when are you talking, what is too important to take a time out for our heroes in uniform? What would be really funny is if you did it with just some segue. Yeah.

Just go dive into it the next time someone's just talking. I think that's what I'm suggesting. Yeah. Absolutely. Because what, are you too fancy to talk about our heroes? Yeah. Real Americans that are risking their lives? I stopped by a Fort Bragg Army base once.

How'd that go? There's a story. You can't stop bygg Army base once. How'd that go? There's a story. You can't stop by an Army base. Did you know that? Wait, so you were on some sort of road trip, and you thought it might be fun to see. I have a friend from high school who is a really good friend in high school,

went to West Point, and then eventually got stationed at Fort Bragg where she's in the 82nd Airborne and jumps out of airplanes for a living. And I didn't know there were 82,000 people got stationed at Fort Bragg where she's in the 82nd Airborne and jumps out of airplanes for a living. And I didn't know there were 82,000 people on that Air Force base. You figured... Or that Army base. You figured it was sort of like if your friend worked at a pizzeria.

Or like a Staples, like someone would page them for you. Like, hey, is Bob here? They did, but it took a while. And the thing is, her last name, she married a guy she went to West Point with who's wonderful and now she has his last name and it's incredibly unusual. So I thought this is going to be easy. But they

really had no idea what I was talking about. It took a long time and I had to stand there with two men with guns while they... And then I couldn't get it. It's like when you waited in line for so long you can't leave. After 20 minutes I really just wanted to leave them alone. But I'm like, well, now they've – I bet you felt pretty self-conscious about that bomb vest you were wearing.

It was so awkward. Which was for a totally unrelated thing you were going to do later on the golf course. Totally unrelated. And the goggles threw everyone off. You're going to drink some Zimasimas blow up some bombs on a golf course after everybody's at bed take that dad put on your shirt

you know what I'm saying you just need to stop in but I feel like I don't I feel like I'm so out of touch with the things that have happened

in my life that I'm I have nothing to offer I have nothing to offer I can tell people I can describe people what I to do people

what I do for a living if they're if they ask me I'm perfectly fine with that. It's like more it's an unusual occupation. So we can get three minutes out of that.

You've broken this down in this specific... Once that's done, there's nothing left for me. All it is is my opinions about Mad Men. But you do have something to offer. I just think you haven't tapped into it. The only things that I really have to offer just make people uncomfortable we

once got this really upset email why is jesse always talking about the time that the junkie broke into his house when he was little and threatened his mom with a knife or and the time that a guy punched him in the face uh just walking down the street and the time that a guy punched him in the face just walking down the street. And the time that people threw batteries at him from on top of the projects. That's all I got. Those things did happen to me. Sure. And I want to hear.

It's funny. Those little summation lines there. I would like to hear more about all of those. Specifically the batteries. They're just various ghetto traumas that I endured as a child that have been shared on this program. We can talk about them off air. But that's all I really got. I didn't have any friends named Squiggy or Snoop or anything. Those are some ghetto nicknames.

Okay. That's it. It just came and went. Yeah. One time, have I ever talked about the time that I got jumped by a guy in a wheelchair? No. I was pretty little, and he was pretty big. He sort of got up in my face.

I mean, he couldn't literally because he couldn't get up. He was in a wheelchair. But he rolled up in my face, and I was listening to a Walkman. This was in the Walkman era. I was not very old. I was maybe 10. He says, let me listen to your Walkman. Oh, no.

And I was sort of like. Let me see it. Gross. You don't want to catch his wheelchair germs. First and foremost. Yeah. This guy might have bed bugs or might have been in some kind of Israeli bus. So I gave it to him because what the fuck are you going to do, I guess, when you're 10 years old. Sure. A huge guy in a a wheelchair and he started wheelcharing

away, uh, but it was an electric chair and he couldn't go that fast. So I was like yelling at him, like, give it back to me. And then, uh, this dude, a grownup came up and was like, what the fuck? And he's like, this is my walk, man. And he's like, no, this like nine he's like no this like nine-year-old is crying i'm pretty sure it's not yours and the guy gave it back to me i wouldn't call that jumped but you got you got mugged basically well in my yes i'm with sloan on this one okay you did i have to say and i would not have been with you until i read when jonathan lethem came out with the

fortress of solitude and you know it's so much about his childhood i'm sorry is this some weird new york literary shit that we i'm sorry just for a briefest of moments okay fine and he he talks about the you know this is based on his life about kids you know you know other you know nine-year-old kids being like let me see it let me see. Making you feel like you're some sort of stingy, selfish jerk for not sharing your bike or your slice of pizza or whatever. This guy was being threatening. And exactly. And that's the thing.

But it's like manipulative. Then, of course, they would take it. Not Jonathan Lethem. No? He wasn't manipulating my feelings. He was physically threatening me he just happened to be in a wheelchair i was trying to help you but okay i was a little kid he was a big girl man i mean anytime an adult talks to a child there's an element of especially why are

you talking to a child sure he was scary looking too in a wheelchair he totally used that yeah he did i wonder if you would have given it to him if you weren't in a wheelchair if he wasn't i was i was in a wheelchair too that's true i should have mentioned that if he wasn't in the but that's just one of those things that you know kids kids do at that age some of them like you know wear their halloween costume outside the house some of them talk in a funny voice and some of them ride around in a little wheelchair if they don't have to. But I guess, you know, to the extent that I have one about my dad and the... You know what? I actually did have to wheel that thing out.

I was having... I was at this weird hotel bar in West Hollywood or something. Because we were visiting... My wife's cousin was in town and her other cousin was there. And my wife's cousin, both of my wife's cousins are super nice. One of them is sort of like a nice, sort of pretty lady. Sure. And then the other one's sort of like a slightly outrageous gay guy. Well, I'll give you an example.

He was just in this show called Barry the Snow Manilow, which was a Christmas musical with the songs of Barry Manilow. Barry the Snow Manilow. Barry the Snow Manilow. Great, I love it. Anyway, nothing wrong with that. I'm talking to them, and let's be real,

I don't got that much to talk. They're very nice people, but I don't know what to say to them. And they're going to talk, either I have to say something, or they're just going to talk about cousin stuff the whole time. And I'm just going to be sitting there

in this creepy, this barge theme, I would say it was half, speaking of the Fortress of Solitude, i would say it was half speaking of the fortress of solitude i'd say it was half fortress of solitude themed half hunting lodge themed and also there were bookshelves on the lot on the walls that had like coffee table books like full height like eight foot bookshelves full of coffee table books with themes. And I remember one of them was dogs and cats. That was one of the bookshelves.

Living together, it'll be an arc. And then one was gardening in the outdoors. So I don't know what was going on. Everything was steel blue, except there was also taxidermy heads on the wall. So I was out of my element. Somebody started talking about crazy shit going down on a beach and then Teresa

Teresa fed me set you up for that yeah she set me up oh that's nice you guys have a nice marriage she set you up to tell your signature story yeah she did

but it was only because it was only because I was so lost otherwise but that's nice well how was it was it very much like Jessie tell that story

yeah it was literally like I'm uncomfortable I that story. Yeah, it was literally like, I'm uncomfortable. I'm a little uncomfortable with it. Yeah. Jordan, do you? You know, when I said this, I know, God, I feel like I do. Nothing comes to mind immediately. You got the time you got punched in the face by Travis Pastrana. Yeah, I got that.

That's a recent one. But I don't know. Have you thought about what that means yet? Yeah, right, what that That's a recent one. But I don't know. Have you thought about what that means yet? Yeah, right, what that means in a larger context. Sloan, for you, my job requires me to interview various members of the action sports community. And one time I was goofing around with a famous motocross guy, and he punched me in the face. As a joke. As a joke.

That was not funny. Yeah, yeah. I think it was one of those things where he was a little, maybe like a little drunk and thought it would be kind of funny. But then he's like, oh shit, I hit you too hard. It's like when you're like goofing around with like your girlfriend and you accidentally like hurt her arm. It's like when you're interviewing someone and they punch you. Yeah.

It's not appropriate for them to punch you at all. Yeah. You know, I don't tell that a lot. I feel like I'm a little embarrassed. A little bit. Yeah. Do you think he thought just so much of himself that he thought this guy's gonna be able to tell people that i punched him in the face or wasn't that much here's what i think it is i he had a show on mtv for a while that was kind of like a jackass type show right where it was him and his buddies flicking each other in the balls and pushing each other off roofs and stuff like that and i think his thing was that i have to do this like i have to behave like this and if someone

you know if someone is if he feels baited which i guess he did he's like oh this guy wants me to do something uh i challenge say please punch me in the face i said yes and i pointed to my face and i called him a homo yeah uh so yeah so i think it was that he felt obligated that he would be you know it's like when you have robin williams on you want to hear from the gay guy you want to hear from the 1992 black guy you want to hear from all the crazy characters and i think if this guy was like oh i have to do something kind of physically outrageous or I'm not honoring my MTV contract. He thought about setting his hair on fire. Sure. Or getting someone to kick him in the balls.

He decided he'd just punch someone. Sure. And he felt bad about it and he's apologized every time he's seen me since. So anyway. Did you have a black eye? I'm sorry to harp on this. No, no, it's okay. I have a bloody nose.

Oh, my gosh yeah that'd be shocking yeah i've never uh never punched someone in the face nor taken a punch to the face but i really hope that's not not even kind of enticement by the end of this radio program you know not even when tempers were running high at summer camp no no nobody i mean it's all girls camp we're not gonna you know i mean i think i'm trying to think if i've ever gotten i got slapped once by a friend for passing a mean note she hit me that's pretty good that's so that's a that's the girl equivalent of punching it was shocking for us both i've never been slapped before it was pretty shocking are you still

friends with the slapper? No, actually. Hmm. We're not still friends. What do their notes say? What do their notes say? What did the notes say that you passed? I don't remember. I'm sure it wasn't, my gosh, her, you know, gee, your hair smells delicious, fantastic,

terrific, whatever it was. But you were passing a note about the slapper to someone else, and she intercepted the note and then slapped you. And then inadvertently, I became the slappy. Gotcha. Or vertently, really, actually. She justpper to someone else. And she intercepted the note and then slapped you. And then inadvertently I became the slappy. Gotcha. Or vertently, really, actually. She just really ducked me. Yeah, and what's weird is we had a whole school bus ride together.

And we were chatting. And then we got off the school bus and she hit me. Wow. Well, I mean, you know. Very sort of. Sure. The Machiavellian slap. Yeah.

Well, she's a showman, you know. It's like if you got a, the slap in that case was a bear getting hit by a car. It's actually in a way worse than yours because while I would much prefer to be slapped by a seventh grader than punched in the face by a fully grown man who does it for a living. Sure. I, you know, it was calculated. There was no, you know, it sounds like he did not know he was going to do it until the last minute. Yeah.

It was an impulse. Your story, Jordan. We got off track. Sorry. No, no. Yeah. You know, I've tried to tell that one a couple of times casually and haven't felt it. I think it's.

Can't find the beats. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's more interesting if you know me. I don't think it's in, you know, if you just meet me and I'm like, hey, I got punched in the face. I don't know. Yeah, I don't think I have one off the top. In the future, if we're in a social situation, do you want me to set you up?

Who has been punched by an X Games gold medalist? I'll sheepishly raise my hand. I'll sheepishly raise my hand. Yeah, you know, I think in college I told the story a lot about getting taken into, like, the Disneyland jail holding area. But I've since become tired of that story. I don't think I've told that in 10 years. Have you told that on Jordan, Jesse, Go? I'm sure I have. You must have. I'm sure sure i have if people if if any of our archivists that's the it's an excellent way to enjoy the park sure yeah yeah yeah uh anyways uh slow very quickly for you uh i was

with some friends at disneyland we were from orange county we all had passes we were acting kind of rowdy i guess they thought we were smoking pot so they took us backstage into the Disneyland jail. Anyways. There's a longer story. They also had bubble pipes. We also had bubble pipes with us because we thought that was cute. We were in drama club. That's the best

way to end everything. Yeah. And explain everything. The girl who slapped me was in drama club too. No, yeah, figures. What if you were in Drama Club with Tremens Pastrana? Oh man, that'd have been great. It's amazing to me that that is a genre of television show. Guys

flicking each other in the balls. Yeah, I know, I think that, I think that, I think that, you know, obviously you know, Jackass is the, oh, you know what, can I talk about Johnny Knoxville after we talk about this? Can I segue into his conversation about Johnny Knoxville? Yeah.

Anyway, I think the jackass is, you know, obviously is the widely, widely considered to be the, the pinnacle of this kind of entertainment. It's a little bit artful. It's clever.

But yeah, I think maybe what the casual observer doesn't realize is that mtv has been having these kind of this type of show for a long time to try and like re re catch that fire what's amazing is is if you think little happens in a regular reality show imagine so little happens in these shows like a viva the bam sure Sure. You watch the show, literally nothing will happen in the entire episode. They might do one stupid thing. Sure. Like at least in Jackass, you can count on them doing four or five stupid things.

Sure. There's the buildup to it, the setup. Yeah. I mean, Jackass is still kind of boring because it's mostly them flicking each other in the balls. Sure. And I don't really need to see that. I want to watch them try and jump out of a tree or whatever. Yeah.

But the other ones, it's just a reality show where they've taken out the emotional high points and just replaced it with a sad accident. Yeah. Wait. Are you suggesting there were emotional high points in Jackass? No. No, Jesse's really into the bachelor yeah it's like it's like all the boring things that happen i mean i we've talked about how how remarkable it is that reality shows are so successful given how boring they are but it's

like it's like what if you took a reality show and you took out the one part about the characters that happens in each show, the one that they're teasing every commercial break and it only runs at the very end. Right. And you just replaced that with just one physical calamity. You know, I know it's a, I know it's a, it's jackass affiliated,

but as we were talking about how worthless most of these things have been, a couple of the jackass guys did something called Wild Boys with a Z that you can watch on Netflix on demand. It's quite good. It's them going to foreign countries and fucking with animals. Beautiful, exotic animals.

Beautiful animals. Like an emu? Yeah, yeah. I think there's an emu involved, lots of alligators. So, yeah. So that's kind of a travel log, too. Anyways. Jackass on the road.

Yeah, it's worth watching. That's really sweet. Johnny Knoxville. Oh, Yeah, it's worth watching. That's really sweet. Johnny Knoxville. Oh, yeah. And this is related. America's funny man. Sure. Anyways, I was at a restaurant the other day.

And Johnny Knoxville, this was like kind of early lunchtime. It was a little early to be having lunch. 10 till noon, maybe. A little early to be having lunch, 10 till noon maybe. But I was with our consummate friend and guest, Chris Fairbanks. Great, Chris Fairbanks. One of the best. Having an early lunch. Johnny Knoxville walks in.

Wait, the Chris Fairbanks whose compact disc Fairbanks is available in stores right now? No, yeah, we should. We should. We should. It's Chris Fairbanks. Absolutely. People write me thank you notes about should. It's Chris Fairbank. Absolutely. People write me thank you notes about telling them to buy Chris Fairbank's CD.

It's fantastic. You should absolutely buy it. I'm sold. Johnny Knoxville walks in and he sits down. It's a stand-up comedy CD. I just not sit down. Yeah, I got it. Great.

Johnny Knoxville comes in and... You're thinking of Bill Cosby himself. I am. That is good. That is a great thing. Okay, keep going. great um johnny oxwell comes in and uh you're thinking of bill cosby himself i am that is yeah that is great thing okay keep going uh johnny moxwell comes in uh comes in sits down by himself at the bar uh and just proceeds to kind of have this really quiet lunch he kind of makes a little chit chat with the bartender kind of walks watches tv and then leaves. And I know, and in that moment, he struck me as a very great Gatsby kind of character. Someone who is rich, who kind of,

a party is going on around them at all times, but they're just observing from the balcony. Boats blown back against his penis. Sure, yes. And yeah, but he definitely, I guess in that moment, I saw the Johnny Knoxville who became popular on Jackass, as being a... Sure, yes. Yeah. And yeah, but he definitely was in a, you know, I guess in that moment

I saw the Johnny Knoxville who like became popular on Jackass and then kind of tried to have this film career but failed and is now this kind of sad guy

who comes into a restaurant and sits at the bar alone and then leaves. And he just says, no matter what I put up my ass I can't find any real stimulation.

Sure. Can I say something so strange that I've been waiting to say for about two minutes? Sure. I have not thought of Johnny Knoxville in years. Yeah. Today at lunch, the one woman I had lunch with today, a woman who was a producer at HBO, told me that Johnny Knoxville used to date my sister. Are you going to be on True Blood this season?

No. Ah! That's not the answer. But apparently she just told me a Johnny Knoxville story today at lunch. Weird. That's what's so strange. Convergence? He's very, very nice and used to make tuna casseroles for her and stuff.

Oh, I believe it. So that's why it's strange to me. I think one of the remarkable things about the whole cultural phenomenon of Jackass is that Johnny Knoxville does seem kind of interesting. Yeah, and I kind of felt this little – because I know he probably is not – he's a guy who probably has constant development deals. There's always – if you don't see him on TV, he's planning something else to be on TV. He's probably got so much stuff in the works, it'll make you barf. But I guess when I saw him then, I kind of saw this lonely guy who had maybe passed his prime, which I know is not true, but I know at this point he kind of looked like that to me. And I thought to myself, you know,

if this was the twilight of his years, if he was done, and he could look back on his life and say, I contributed jackass, pretty good, right? I think. Can we all, like, that's, no, I know that's not, he's not done in show business and stuff, but, like, if he was. If he was a very red, like, creator and, you know, main guy of jackass, I think that'd be pretty good. So, yeah, I think. Well, that and the Dukes of Hazzard. Sure, Dukes of Hazzard, the movie reboot.

Yeah. Not a reboot. Is that a reboot? No, it's just a movie version of a TV show. Well, it depends on... Yeah, because they didn't continue the mythos.

No, yeah, it didn't. Where did it fall in the Dukes of Hazzard-averse? Yeah, I couldn't tell you. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Sloan Crosley, clown.

So, I got this picture in the mail. I'm going to pass this around. Obviously, you at home can't see it. Maybe I'll take the time. My computer's broken. I can't. But I'll try and at some point scan this for everyone so everyone can take a look at this.

But here, Sloan, I'll let you look at it while I read this letter that we got in the mail uh when i started getting my self-addressed stamped envelope ready that was to get some stickers some jordan jesse go stickers my five year old said i want to make them a color creation um so we have received this picture. It features pictures of Jordan and myself. I think relatively realistic likenesses, if we assume that you're a racist cartoon of a Japanese person. I am. The two pink things, do you see those two pink things on either side?

I do. Between us. Yes. Describe them. I do. Between us. Yes. Describe them.

Gosh, kind of like the, like one half of a yin-yang symbol with two kind of ear notches, and they appear to be on wheels. Each of those is a chompers. Okay. Hence the wheels. Makes sense. The brown thing behind me, maybe you could describe that. makes sense the brown thing behind me maybe you could describe that uh yes the jesse in this uh in this drawing has um uh it looks like a dinosaur head like a diplodocus uh coming out from behind you but i'm gonna guess your dog it's a donk oh a donk okay au contraire it is not coco the brown

brown dog that is a donk uh slo, for your information, these things are all running gags throughout the show. Okay, no, I... Running gags? No, these are important things in the world that you should know about. I'm sorry, yes.

Donks are miniature donkeys. Oh, yes. Which are really cute and are called donks. Again with the jackass. And Chompers is a popular children's toy. From Germany in 1919

Oh That I saw on the Antiques Roadshow That's amazing Isabella has never Now this is when I started getting worried Uh oh Because Oh by the way okay

The me version has slanty racist Chinese eyes Oh And is wearing a half shirt Jordan Should you also talk about the medium This is what kind of paper is this This is sort of That's like a You know a sort of brownish Crayon drawing paper And is wearing a half shirt. Should you also talk about the medium? What kind of paper is this? It's like a crayon drawing paper.

Yeah, a crayon on paper. I want to address... If it was in a museum, that would have to be on the plaque. Crayon on brown paper. I want to address Jordan's World War II era Warner Brothers Hirohito eyes. era uh warner brothers hirohito eyes um jordan's eyes are like that because he is quote crying tears of joy oh okay okay unquote um now this is when i started getting worried because there was a time when jordan jesse go had some swear words in it but was not that vulgar but more recently we've been talking a lot about the snm stuff that goes on at the american library association conference we've been talking about misbehaving on a golf course misbehaving on a golf course yeah lighting

fat spleefs is something that has been that has come up on this program under the subheading, under misbehaving on a golf course. We've talked about doing calculus. We've talked about all kinds of things that are not appropriate for kids. So we used to occasionally have little kids would call into the show. to the show and now i think it's safe to say that if you're under what would you say 14 it's probably not an appropriate program for you and if you're under 18 it may not be an appropriate program for you if you're over 18 it's still likely not an appropriate program for you but it's an option it's out there yeah it's available to you and should it's not gonna mess you up or anything the good news is that isabella the girl who drew this wonderful picture for us uh has never actually heard jordan jesse go

thank god and so her depictions of all of these things are based solely on hearsay when her parents recount to her things that happened on jordan jesse go with the secret sex party parts excised omitted um yeah like that's the purest a child's rendering of the purest parts of your show you're you're looking at you know don't look it directly in the eye it's yeah i know it's pure love sure i know yes i will yeah it's it's pure truth and it'll explode my brain. I'd like more children's pictures to come in the mail. Yeah.

If you've got some kids. I know we have a lot of listeners out there with kids. Have them draw us. Do not allow them to listen to our program, first of all. Yes, terrible idea. Do not allow them to listen to our program. Do have them draw us and send it in. The address is on the website.

If you include a self-addressed stamped envelope, we will send you stickers. Should we make this a contest and at the end crown a king of the children yes of course what what's that that sounds like a crazy french thing i'd like to hear about they do they do that i can't remember what it's called but they do the the king for a day maybe it's around christmas maybe it's actually called christmas yeah yeah called Christmas. Yeah. When you say king of the children, are you talking about the baby Jesus? Yeah. No, but they put, again,

this goes back to baked goods as everything does. It's the person who gets the rock from the... It's the person who, when they put, there's a special cake, they make a layer, sort of almond cake, and they put a tiny little china baby in it maybe is the baby jesus and they do it in orleans too the as a marty yeah whoever they slice it up and whoever gets the baby or the shards of baby yeah that's the thing in their face it's like the

biggest choking hazard the french do not care about their children you heard it here first you know they they whoever gets the baby gets to be king and how do they keep those figures the what because of the they're always drinking red wine and eating cheese i actually did wasn't sure if you meant how did they keep track how many child kings they have i'm like well there's statistical analysis like no i mean their thighs but yeah but then you risk you know i always thought it was so uh you know i think in america in this country we're very uh nervous about uh inciting too much competition and very i think we're worried about the contest we're overly nervous about that kind of thing yeah and i think we're also overly egalitarian in that we are resistant to the

idea that there might even be a king of the children but there clearly is but there clearly is a king of the children and there's only one way for us to find out who the king of the children is is a picture drawing contest of us a picture drawing contest of us so uh the address is on the website. If you'd like it, it's 1553 Silverwood Terrace, Los Angeles, California, 90026. 1553 Silverwood Terrace, Los Angeles, California, 90026. Send it to us. Send it to King of the Children, care of Jordan Jesse Goh, 1553 Silverwood Terrace, Los Angeles, California, 90026. We will be evaluating and discussing

each week's entries in turn. We ask that you not allow your children to listen to this because what happens if we don't like it? If we don't like it, this is a good system. I've got a good system here, Jordan. The ones you don't like, you swallow. No. Right.

This is the system. We'll bake them into a cake. Exactly. On the show show you have our permission to do this by the way on this show we will discuss these pictures frankly um i think we'll mostly like them that's the reality i mean we we loved this one and it's and jordan again looks like a world War II era Warner Brothers cartoon of Emperor Hirohito of Japan. We loved it. But we will discuss it frankly. We ask that you not allow your children to listen to this. In exchange, this is what we will allow you to do.

We will name a king of the children. Sure. And you will know whether your child is the king of the children. Sure. And you will know whether your child is the king of the children. However, if we decide that your child is not king of the children, we give you permission to tell your child that that child has been named king of the children. My hope is that we will strengthen these children by giving them the self-esteem boost that you can only get from being named king of your age group. And if our promise to you is that if you introduce your children to us and you say, oh, you probably remember them from the king of the children contest.

This is, say, Isabel. We will take a knee and uh address them as your majesty exactly whether or not they won in public for their benefit because children are easily confused we're willing and they're not as good at picking up social cues so we're willing to pretend that they're king of the children whether or not they're king of the children, whether or not they're king of the children. They may be dauphin of the children. They may be... The boarding secretary of the children. Exactly.

And then the true king of the children will do it for two, but it'll be really good because our heart will be in it. Sure. We won't be secretly making the jack-off motion. How long does this last? Does it seep into the future until there's a business card and some jerk who's like, well, I was king of the children. Like they put it on their CV?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Their curriculum vitae? Can you add that that has to end at some point? That everyone gets dethroned at the age of 20? Number one, we've got to make a cutoff for this king of the children thing. We can't have 17-year-olds. Yeah. Let's say, does 10 sound good?

Yeah, 10 sounds good. 10 and under can only enter. If they're older than 10, you can have them enter, but we're not going to lie to them. We're going to tell them that they weren't chosen. They were not King of the Children. And it's because they don't like the same music. They like new music. Sure. And I think because they're not and it's because they don't like the same music. They like new music.

And I think that I know what you mean and I think the cutoff for how long you reign as King of the Children should be cut off at 13. I think you should be concentrated. When does your sash and the duties of Miss America have to be relinquished to the next? I think when you turn 13

I think. 13? That's pretty harsh. Do you think the position comes with responsibilities, meet and greets, et cetera? Yeah. I mean, if we have any photo shoots or art openings or something. Let me ask you this question. Are you at all concerned about Bieber fever? What if it were to sweep through our target population?

I'm still trying to work through my Harry Potter mania. Fair enough. Okay. So we've put out the address king of the children contest i'm not going to put a closing date on it right now but this is we're going to gauge enthusiasm and look you can have your children illustrate us personally sure you can have your children illustrate themes from the program yeah we suggest that you not have them illustrate the S&M party from the American Library Association. Would you know it if you saw it? But, you know, if you want to have them do it, and you can tell them maybe it's a good

If you think your child is mature enough. Yeah. If you think your kid can, oh, we can't make that call. We're not parents ourselves. Sure. Sure. Jordan has a cat. Bugs. I've got a dog, Coco. Is. Jordan has a cat, Bugs.

I've got a dog, Coco. It's Bug singular. Bug? Mm-hmm. It was Bugs. Yeah, it's Bug singular. Bug. Yeah.

It's not called Bugs after Bugs the cat from the Warner Brothers cartoons. No, it's not. That old favorite, yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. Send it in, right? Yeah. I think this is the best contest we've had in years absolutely this is the best contest since the king of the children contest this is going to be great

i think so too and how about this i'm going to throw a wrinkle onto it uh we'll really like you if you send us a picture of your kid wearing a crown after they get named king of the children well we said we should send them a crown right well we're going to send the named King of the Children. Well, we should send them a crown, right? Well, we're going to send the real King of the Children a crown. Oh, yeah. Okay. The fake King of the Children, you have to make them a crown and then mail it to yourself so it shows up in the mailbox. Yeah.

I wonder when the sword from the stone comes. I'm just imagining all these little kids. Yeah. They're only the real King of the Children. Are you worried they might run into each other at a cocktail party? I'm a little worried. It's almost like cheating. You know, like, oh, that's my boyfriend.

Oh, me too. Both named Bob. Whoops. I'm going to add something to this. We're going to put up a schedule. If you're going to take your kids to Legoland, California, you have to check in on the schedule. We can't have two of these different king of the childrens

at Legoland, California at the same time. Yeah. Otherwise, there will be just an explosion clash. They'll end up in jail, apparently. Yeah. It's a weird Lego jail.

Could be trouble. Easily breakable. Yeah, not too hard to get out, but... Could be trouble. Still time-consuming. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go.

King of the Children! It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective sloan crosley clown writer um it was great to have you on the program sloan thanks thanks for having me it was fun letting me pipe in it was really great it was really great to have a a real New York literary type around here. Sure, right? Super fancy. Give our regards. Thanks for acknowledging it. Yeah, how fancy in New York you are. Somebody had you manned.

Have fun being pictured in a montage in New York magazine's party section. I will have fun having that magazine sit in my bathroom and then throwing it out before I've read it. Or whatever. Say hi to Kurt Anderson for us. No, really, do say hi to Kurt Anderson. He's great. He's a really great guy.

Ask him if he remembers us. I will. I will. Ask him what he really thinks about me. I'll have him enter the contest under a guy. Does he have a kid? Are they artsy? I think he's got several kids.

He's got a couple kids. I feel like I've heard him mention his teen daughter before and how she loves anime oh crap she might be too old yeah she's got he's got at least one one child in college i remember i'd like i'd like anime versions of us oh yeah absolutely oh see maybe there are all sorts of exceptions if you have maybe famous people's kids get a little away. Yeah. Surrey Cruise is out there. Oh, jeez. Totally a mojo.

I don't have money for a Coke. Jesus Christ. They're already part of the literati. Do they need to be king of the children, too? Yeah. These Kurt Anderson kids. Sloane Crosley, the author of two books, the most recent of which is

How Did You Get This Number? Just straight. The apostrophe D is just in. I was told there'd be a first one. This one's How Did You Get This Number? How Did You Get This Number? Right? How Did You Get This Number?

How Did You Get This Number? How Did You Get This Number? That's so close enough it's fine yeah zingala maduni believably close enough wait did i say zingala maduni that's arrested development second album that was their follow-up album sure um 206-9844-FUN sorry there's no calls today my computer uh bit the dust and so uh uh wasn't able to screen the calls today, but hopefully they'll be back next week. I expect they'll be back next week.

Sure. You can always participate in the forum at MaximumFun.org slash forum. By the way, Jordan, I don't know if you noticed this, but it's turning to fall. Sure, I have noticed, yeah. There's a little bit of weather that happens in the fall. It's a little bit cooler than the summer. Okay. But it's not quite as...

Man, weather talk at the end of the show. It's not quite as... We're really flipping this on its head. Not quite as cold as the winter. Sure. Maybe somebody might be interested in, say, a light layering piece. If they were...

Yeah. ...interested in such a piece, might I recommend maxfunstore.com? You may. They can get themselves a sweet alternative apparel hoodie in such a piece, might I recommend maxfunstore.com? You may. They can get themselves a sweet alternative apparel hoodie with the Max Fun

rocket ship on the front. It's very cool looking. No one will know that it's for a podcast, which I think is important. Sure. Or you can get,

you know, Jordan Jesse Go t-shirts or our DVD or any of a number of other things all at maxfunstore.com. Our theme music, Love You, by by the free design courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records our thanks to them uh we'll be back next week on jordan jesse go