Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 145: Megashark with Mike Phirman

Episode Date: September 12, 2010

Singer Mike Phirman joins Jesse and Jordan to discuss millipede attacks, rage hazes, and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan. Jesse. Go!

Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddly, dumby, twiddly, home free. I'm Jesse Thorne. This week on the show, we're joined by Mike Furman. And spoiler alert, we ruin the ending of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

If we seem a little juiced, and I know it's coming across, so I just want to address the elephant in the room. It's because we're emulating our hero, Roger Clemens. And we just had a centipede attack prior to going on air. So these two things, our roids combined with our girlish fear of centipedes is contributing to the amped up tone that you're enjoying right now. We flipped out. I'm not going to lie to the people and say that we didn't flip the fuck out.

Yeah. We did flip. And you went into a rage haze, it's called. Mm-hmm. That's when you flip out so much that you have your your um peripheral vision clouds over sure you uh i acquire a secret family in montana you piss yourself sure all these things happened because of this millipede that was in my house and you killed it jordan i did i tried to kill it on the wall but it got away went down to the ground where i stabbed it with my dick mike firman our

guest on the program pulled the chair that it was hiding under away this is a three-man operation and jordan struck with a struck a powerful blow against creepy crawlies that thing was strangely fast though mike firman unbelievably fast welcome to jordan jessica thanks very much it's a pleasure to have you here. Mike Furman, of course, half of Hard and Firm. He's got his own brand new record album in stores now, or at least at MikeFurman.com. That's right. At the very least.

And iTunes. Bare minimum. The title of which is The Very Last Songs I Will Ever Record, Part One. There you go. And it has a very funny picture of mike i think you're in the exact same outfit now that you're wearing on the cd cover oh it's very close it's a it's a v-neck ah okay this is a you have a crew neck right now anyways mike is a uh is is just wearing it's just a kind of a casual outfit and he's riding on a satellite yep i'm riding a

voyager probe out of the solar system. Oh, so this is a specific satellite. That's actually the probe that took a picture of the planet on that picture. Really? Yeah. How about that? I love that. Well, he's a vital part of our...

You're thorough, like the set dresser of Mad Men. You want everything to be accurate. And a little bit dirty. Make sure that everything's a little dirty. I gave myself a continuity credit in the album. Oh, good. You're the drama turd of your own. I'm really proud of us.

I'm really proud of us for putting together this insect-killing team. You don't know this, Mike, but as of last year, I've declared the war on spiders. Oh, yeah yeah good for you um i'm sick and tired of spiders setting up shop in the corridor between uh my front gate and my front door do you you don't have a fly problem uh no i don't not in not inside i have window screens oh yeah there you go uh the only thing they can get through window screens apparently is giant millipedes you have people webs i like to call the screens yeah so if uh if we're a team uh i mean i'm bill murray yeah i was gonna say i mean this

is obviously an oceans 11 ghostbusters bill murray kind of thing what do we each bring to the table i can move furniture yeah that's my thing i'm the guy who drinks yeah if he hides in a hole i'm the one who like jams a shovel in and pulls all the dirt out, and he's exposed. I'm a little bit worried that we're a team of all the annoying guy that talks too much. Yeah. I'll be the computer hacker. I think that's the best we can hope for,

is to be the computer hacker. We're the Justin Long character. Sad thing is, the insect is probably the likable one. Yeah. Everyone hates us for killing it. By the way i made up uh the war on spiders i made up a little rhyme for people who uh who are interested in getting involved in the war on spiders but they're worried that they'll get confused okay it's like a

mnemonic device or a rhyme it's legs of two good for you legs Legs of eight, deserves to die. Oh, wow. That's easy to remember. It's easy to remember because it's got a nice rhythm to it. What about legs of eight feel my hate? No, legs of eight deserves to die. Okay. How about legs of a thousand, strangely fast?

Yeah, that's my new one. That's a good one. So quick. Yeah. You'd think it would be hard to coordinate all those legs. That's the thing. You would. And it kind of had like a kind of a beautiful flow to it.

It looked like CGI. It looked like bad CGI. It did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looked like, oh, that's not. They're not even trying. There's no shadow. It's like way too fast.

And the legs aren't touching the ground. But it really did. Can I ask you guys a question? This is animal related. Sure. You guys already know the David Letterman show on CBS, the Tiffany Network. That's CBS? Yes.

Yeah. The Continental Broadcasting, Columbia Broadcasting System. Then yes, I do. CBS 2 here in Southern California. All right. I was watching the David Letterman program with Jack Hanna as the guest. Oh, cool.

Has the premise of those segments always been that Jack Hanna's insane and doesn't know what humor is? He did the Deep Thoughts, right? No, no, that's Jack Handy. Oh. I'm talking about Jungle Jack Hanna, the guy who wears a...

This is, yeah, Carson's animal, the guy who brings the animals on. Do you always want to hear a fun fact about the animal experts on talk shows? Absolutely. I don't know if this is the case across the board, but when I worked at the Ellen DeGeneres show, she had this kind of segment a lot where he had the animal expert come on and scare her with animals and then delight her with a cute animal.

than delight her with a cute animal. The animal expert doesn't know what animals are going to be presented until he gets there. Teams from various zoos bring their animals, and then the animal expert rolls up an hour before showtime... To keep it fresh. ...and points to the ones he wants,

and he's given talking points about the animals from the people so this wow so if if this model is across the board uh these people don't don't curate these but this is they well they just roll up much you know jungle jack hannah is the director emeritus of the columbus zoo sure okay that's his big title. That's what they bring him on with. He's the host of Jack Hanna's something or other and the Director Emeritus of the world-famous Columbus Zoo.

You'd want to say that a lot. Sure, you'd want to. You'd insist that you get introduced to that. Let's say you ran the Modern Art Museum in Fargo, North Dakota. You'd want to bring that up. Yeah. That would be your epithet. That's a credit you want attached to the end of your name. Sure. I mean, as a comedian,

you like to say, you know, Jimmy Kimmel Live and the other things that you've been on. That's why I have a half of Hard and Firm tattoo. Oh, sure. Yeah, sure. Right here. In Jungle... Jungle Millipede. What the...

That's his dick. Son of a... Why do I have a thousand of them? There's so many little feelers. Why do I have a thousand little ones? Yeah. But it's surprisingly quick. Very surprisingly quick.

Jungle Jack Hanna. And can move furniture, I want to mention. Jungle Jack Hanna. It was as though he did not know what the animals that were going to be brought on were at all. So you'd think with that title, nothing should throw him. Oh, he didn't know. Yeah, I guess my story holds up. I mean, they don't, he's not.

Letterman repeatedly was, repeatedly. Jack Hanna goes on the program. The first thing he asks is, the first thing he says is, hey, where's my monkey stuff? I was told they'd have my monkey stuff right here. My monkey stuff? What? What? That's not even real words.

Probably, you know, like a little container of peeled grapes to give to the monkey. But there was no monkey hat. It was a lemur. It was a lemur. It wasn't even a monkey. Oh, good. He's just a crazy man that they like. They like that he's crazy, so they bring him on, and they make sure that there's someone around to hold on to the cheetah.

Sure. There was a fucking cheetah. And the cheetah had a dog friend. What? Great. The cheetah and the dog, as some sort of research, needless to say, Jungle Jack Hanna had a hard time explaining this. But, as some sort of research, the cheetah and the dog are best friends.

Well. I mean, great. It's not good TV if everything is like, here's a cheetah. I know everything about it. Here it is. Moving on. There has to be uncontrol. That's reading an encyclopedia that you you just it's not an entertainment show i mean it's not an element of

an element of excitement and danger there has to be chaos yeah there has to be some element of like this guy could die at any second which means all these animals are going to go nuts or you know like jump the guy himself you know what they should have they should have a guy come on who has animal trainers and he describes each animal trainer and they're all batshit jumping out at dave and freaking out and peeing themselves is this funnier if this is an orangutan in a little suit oh or a little like khaki shorts yeah a talking orangutan or does he maybe hold up cards that describes things i think he talks pages through cards like in babe pig in the city yeah i think he talks. He pages through cards like in Babe Pig in the City?

I think he talks. I think it should be like Babe Pig in the City. In my experience, if you make something more like Babe Pig in the City, that makes it better. Yeah. There was a, I remember seeing a show in Spain that was a, it was some kind of like a prank show or something like that. And the guy, it went wrong, right? And it made me realize how, even for that, that's still pretty controlled. I mean, nothing's

really gonna, you know, nothing's not really gonna attack Dave, and Dave's gonna go to the hospital, and we'll all be sitting on the edge of our chairs. It is a cheetah, though. Yeah. I don't think cheetah, I mean, is there cheetah attacks? I mean, obviously. Does it involve long distances,

though? Like, does a cheetah just like i think a cheetah wouldn't want what's right in front of her right doesn't it kind of want right yeah yeah i'm not even gonna get up to i'm not even gonna get up to my top speed yeah i'm just this cheetah was so i didn't realize cheetahs were so big for one thing and also it was so spectacularly beautiful that i just figured if the cheetah was coming after me, I mean, he deserves it. Yeah, I guess so. He deserves to eat me.

Sure. He's a miracle. He's a miracle of creation. Yeah. As soon as you have any velocity behind you, it's kind of his turn. It's such a spectacular beast. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Mike, you were saying about a Spanish prank show? It's a spectacular beast that was a Spanish TV host. They had some kind of you know going from one segment to another this guy befell some kind of minor tragedy like was by the next time and by the time they got to the next shot he was pretty well scraped up bloody so he went from fine and tv ready yeah fine tv ready and then they cut over to something else, come back, and he's like, ah, ah, okay, we're going to keep going, and let's talk to,

and they just rolled. Like, they didn't, like, I feel like that would never make the air. That would never make it on the air. But they didn't explain. I mean, well, maybe they did, but it was in, you know, I could kind of catch up with some of it. The whole show was in Cattle Land. Yeah.

So you were having a hard time following. Yeah. The show was in Catalan. Yeah. So you were having a hard time following it. But it was, yeah, it just made me appreciate chaos on TV. Like, you just don't see it, you know? I thought you were going to say it just makes me appreciate my big cat attack-free lifestyle.

And that, too. The fact that I don't have to engage big cats. Anyway, we got Mike Furman here. We got a lot of fun stuff coming on Jordan, Jesse, Go. We'll be back in just a second. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mike Furman. What should we talk about?

That's fun. Yeah. Mike Furman's fun. Isn't it nice detective. Mike Furman. What should we talk about? That's fun. Yeah. Mike Furman's fun. Isn't it nice to have Mike Furman here? Absolutely. Hey, thanks for having me on the show. Ask around in Hollywood. You know who they'll tell you are the nicest guys in Hollywood? Well, Mike Furman, for one. And Henry Winkler. Yeah. There you go. One time I drove past

Henry Winkler. He was standing out in front of a jet rag. And he was just standing on the sidewalk with the inventory closed door. He was standing out in front of a jet rag. He was just standing on the sidewalk with the inventory just smiling. I know! He's Henry Winkler! He's on the Sound of Young America I guess it would be this week

that this show goes out. And I interviewed him from a studio in New York City. So I wasn't actually with him when I interviewed him. And the way you do that is you call the person on the phone. The the way you do that is you call the person on the phone. The way we would do that is you call the person on the phone and you're recording on both sides and then you just put them together afterwards.

And so his recorder was running for a minute after I hung up. And Nick, who edits The Sound of Young America, was putting the pieces together and he sent me an email that after I hung up, Henry Winkler turned to the engineer and said, well, he's lovely. That's awesome.

Isn't that wonderful? That should be like your, or your drop. Yeah, exactly. You should always have, well, he's lovely. He's lovely. Or just go, yeah,

or maybe, you know, if you need like a quote for your website, well, he's lovely. Or just go, yeah, or maybe, you know, if you need like a quote for your website. Oh, gosh. Well, he's lovely. Henry Winkler. Well, he's lovely. The Fonz.

Yeah. Or Coach from the Waterboy. Yeah. I have been getting this email. I feel like we need to have a segment on JordanJesseGo that's you can stop sending this to Jesse. But the new you can stop sending this to Jesse. But the new you can stop sending this to Jesse is some very sad news

out of Las Vegas, Nevada, which is that the Liberace Museum is closing. Have you ever been to the Liberace Museum, Mike? I have not. Probably why it's closing. The story I read said they're maybe just relocating. Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, I don't think they know where they're... To a private warehouse with a locked door?

Yeah. Family owned door To a garbage dump They're in a strip mall right now I don't know where they could go that would be more affordable Maybe just further away from civilization Like Henderson, Nevada Prim, Nevada Carson City One of those famous whorehouses they

have in Nevada. Sure, yeah. You can just look at... I'm very sad to hear this. You know, I think what it speaks to is the decline of old ladies and the similar decline of

old-fashioned gay guys. Yeah. You know what I mean? All these new newfangled gay guys are going around going around, you know, loving Lady Gaga and what have you. They don't love these hard-working blue-collar gay icons

like Liberace. An old-fashioned confirmed bachelor. I think he was a diamond-collar. Yeah, blue-coll collar's probably not. Blue diamond, blue sapphire worker. Rhinestones. Somebody who really, like, puts in the work and is a dude, but considers himself to be a sex symbol to ladies.

Oh, yeah, that's a very specific... And it's really declined. I think it's really sad that it's declined. I mean, I think it's great that now, if you're a gay celebrity, you could potentially even just be gay, openly gay. That's fantastic. God bless the changes in the world that have led to that. However, it's sort of sad to lose that,

and it's sort of sad for old Liberace, because he put so much work into it. Sure, yeah. He built those rhinestone cars and those crazy transparent pianos and just the whole nine yards, all those candelabras. Yeah.

I think he would pronounce it candelabra. I pronounced it that way as a tribute to Liberace. I wonder what the jewel of the Liberace Museum is. There must have been some... I guess it would be his cape or something. Does he have a diamond piano or something? What would be the... Because one of those things would be the there must have been some like and that's I guess it'd be like his cape or something like does he have like a diamond piano or something like what would be the because one of those things must be a centerpiece

I think it would be difficult to pick any single centerpiece because basically you know when you go to when you go to like the country music hall of fame and you see like Buck Owens nudie suit you know and it's

like it's like god it's embroidered with a thousand american flags or something like that um that uh that's like the highlight in the famous thing in the liberace museum there's no single thing that isn't that besides the timeline of his, that doesn't mention that he was gay. Like, there's a timeline of his life with photographs. No, it doesn't mention that he's gay. But we talked about when I went, I met the director of the museum, because he was really excited that my wife and I were there, because we're under 60. And he was really sweet. That's why this stayed open for one more year. He was a really sweet...

We hear the young people are starting to take to it. There was a couple here a few months ago. He was a really sweet gay guy who asked us to become fans of the Liberace music on Facebook and tweet about it if we can, because they want more young people to visit. And anyway, it's just such a wonderful, fantastic place. It's so great and delightful and spectacular.

It's in this strip mall, but it's surprisingly big. And basically, every single thing in it is amazing. There's just jewel-encrusted Rolls Royces. It's just fucking insane. It's like the gay Vaticanatican yeah it's unbelievable it's so amazing and you're just so amazed that someone just lived his entire life like this yeah and it's just a tribute to their just madness just pure madness here's hoping it finds a suitable new home so everyone can enjoy it i felt bad because they said that there had been no one

looking out for the estate and the music in the estate the way they had for, say, Elvis or Frank Sinatra. Right. And I felt kind of bad because you could just see the reporter being like, oh, yeah? Is that so? Like Elvis or Frank Sinatra? You mean the music of Liberace?

Sure. That's true. I can't think of one Liberace song. The hyper-modlin Rococo solo piano recordings of Liberace that sounded like something from an ersatz 17th century thing when they were at their most popular in 1953 i uh i listened to an interview with donovan uh-huh of uh call me mellow yellow sure um where he just talks about himself and the beatles like they were the same thing. Yeah. And I like that crazy shit.

I like those crazy Donovan songs where he's talking about the world being inside a snail shell. Sure. But yeah, but the kind of idea. There's some month in 1965 where he sold more albums than them. And he's like, anyway. Do you remember one of our first celebrity interviews on The Sound of Young America was Dick Dale, the king of the surf guitar. And

Jordan booked Dick Dale on our show by looking at his website. And this was 2001 maybe or 2000. It was pretty high tech because it had a rotating skull oh wow yeah yeah and rotating skull gif yeah yeah exactly there was like a contact number for like dick dale

enterprises which jordan called and who answered yeah yeah the king of the surf guitar and so we booked him on our show because it's dick daletail. That's awesome. Yeah, sure. And his interview on our program was essentially a monologue about the genres of music that he invented. Sure. Really? Yeah. He just told us about how he invented it. I mean, we'll give him surf music. Yeah.

I mean. He invented surf guitar. Sure. But what else did he go down to like? And then that invented ska. And then that invented new wave. He invented surf guitar. Sure. But apparently also... But what did he go down to like? He invented... And then that invented ska, and then that invented... He invented heavy metal. Heavy metal was a big one that he...

Because he was... But not even to the fact like, oh, well, my music influenced this musician. No, I invented it. I invented heavy metal. Yeah. It was really intense. But it was a remarkable thing that you had called him. I had that experience once when I was working on West coast live uh this public radio show in the bay area and uh the the producer

had this idea that we would give the live audience a harmonic harmonica lesson on air so i had to call some harmonica companies and try and get a hundred free harmonica and you called the number on the website and blues Traveler picked up. Dick Daylancer. Oh yeah, I invented this. It was basically the same thing. I mean, for the harmonica enthusiasts out there, one of the big harmonica enthusiast

brands is Lee Oscar Harmonicas. Sure. Which are made by Lee Oscar, the famous harmonica player from War. This is the harmonica of choice for Bruce Willis when he opens a Planet Hollywood. Oh, wow. That's huge. If he needs to play a rock harmonica outside Planet Hollywood.

And when I called Lee Oscar Harmonicas, I said, I explained the situation. You know, I was like, hello, hello, how can I help you? And I explained the situation. I said, is there someone I should talk to about this? I know it's like hello hello how can i help you and i explained the situation i said is there someone i should talk to about this i know it's kind of an unusual request and he said well you can talk to me this is lee oscar what yeah he just answers the phone and um and i was like oh wow and then he he says like he says like sometimes sometimes I'm up there in the Bay Area playing with my friend Greg Errico. Do you know him?

And I was like, you mean from Sly and the Family Stone? He's like, yes, of course. And I was like, oh, my God, Lee Oscar. So he couldn't afford it. Lee Oscar harmonicas are kind of expensive because they're like the highest end. But he sent me a gold-plated Lee Oscar harmonica that he signed with an engraving pen to Jesse. Oh my God! Isn't that amazing?

That's awesome! Just because he thought I was a nice guy or something? No way! It was so sweet. Lee Oscar of Lee Oscar harmonicas. And did Dick Dale send you anything? No, Dick Dale didn't send a shit. Come on.

Think of all the cool stuff he's probably got in that trailer of his in the desert. Oh my God, yeah. The desert of Southern California got in that trailer of his in the desert. Oh, my God. Yeah. The desert of Southern California. He could have popped something in the mail. Yeah. What a...

God. I was going to say, Mike, you're a multi-instrumentalist, if I am correct. More than a time. Yeah. No, you know... I don't do one of those... You know, Mary Poppins. You're widely...

The symbols. But you're widely known as the prince of novelty music. Oh, wow. I don't know one of those Mary Poppins But you're widely known as the prince of novelty music Oh wow We're going to start saying that We're going to start that Is a harmonica something you'll play? You know what There was a phase that I went through

Where I all of a sudden thought Hey you know what, I'm in my car all the time A harmonica only takes one hand I can drive and play harmonica. Or, I mean, if you've got one of those mounts, like, you know. That feels a little like you're moving your head around too much, though. You know what I mean? Yeah, your eyes aren't on the road.

If I saw a guy from behind playing harmonica with a head thing, I'd think, oh, great, there's a blind guy driving in front of me. This explains why he just hit that guy. Sure. But, no, I think for a couple months I started learning it. Are we going to have to legislate? Well, here's the good news. I got bored.

So I turned to the radio and started enjoying other things. But for that couple months, yes, I learned a bit of the harmonica. Not a lot, but enough to do Doug Loves Movies theme. And then a couple of little hand-pulls. The theme to the Doug Benson podcast. Yes. Okay. Yep.

So have you guys ever watched the show Survivor Man? and a couple of the theme to the doug benson podcast yes okay yep uh so here's here's a if you guys ever watch this show survivor man i you know i know of it but i haven't seen it what i like about what i like about survivor man i mean there's two of these survivor shows one of them's called the guy's called bear something or other right and i think he like teaches you how to eat berries or something like that but Eating mosses and lichens. Basically, the guy who hosts Survivorman, I call him Survivorman,

he's this bald Canadian guy. He's not really that good at survival stuff. He's only okay at survival stuff. It would be great if the cameraman was constantly reaching out and pulling him up. Always throwing him a rope. Usually, and um great if the cameraman was constantly reaching out pulling him up yeah always throwing him a rope so like usually usually these survival shows are about like uh are about somebody like finding food and like trapping and killing stuff and whenever he does that he fails at it

he never successfully gets food like is the best you can hope for is he's eating some snow he's always amputating a toe or two. Yeah. But what's great about it is that, unlike the other shows, he doesn't have a crew with him or anything. It's just him carrying around his camera like a grizzly man. Right. And you kind of get that same impression that he's a little bit nutty,

sort of like in Grizzly Man. Yeah. And he has a harmonica. sort of like in grizzly man yeah and uh he has a harmonica and that's every like every day in his like odyssey on film ends with him playing the harmonica and it is the saddest is it always the same song i think he's like a really like admirable impressive guy like i really like a guy who like went into television and said, you know what? It's not going to be bullshit. I'm going to show my failures.

It's going to be about me struggling to do stuff. It's not like Cake Boss where I come out smelling like a rose every episode. Hey, I'm an Italian! This show is so racist. So racist. It's self-racist. Cake Boss.

Those other cake shows, though. I haven't seen any of the other cake shows. There are several other cake shows on TLC. I saw Cake Boss one time, and I was just so stunned at how weirdly self-racist it was. Yeah, I don't know. It's the only thing that happens on the show is he goes like, Hey, I'm making a cannelloni here because we love it a family. I haven't seen this show.

It's an Italian guy. He's always talking about how Italian he is. He's like, Hey, we're an Italian family. We make it a cakes. That's the entire show wow it's anyway but i he plays the harmonica and i think it's just a perfect distillation of the guy who plays the harmonica yeah like harmonica guy is such a kind of guy you know what i mean like it's such sort of like it's like an extension of whistling like there's a very lonely sense to whistling.

Yeah, yeah. Unless you're doing it like... If he ended with him like... Like, harmonicing it up and dancing away into the hill. But one thing, but... Yeah. Or, you know, if he's on the front porch. Yeah.

But it's a combination. Stomping his foot. Here's the thing. It's a combination of that loneliness of whistling and the guy who wants to tell you about the Delta Blues. Right. Right. You know that guy? Like, who wants to tell you about the Delta Blues. Right. You know that guy, like, he wants to tell you about, like, oh, but Robert Johnson. Yeah.

You know, and you're just like, oh. Mike, what, okay, is there an instrument where you associate the enthusiasts with the most weirdness. Like, what instrument can someone say, oh, I'm into this, and you're automatically just like, okay, this is maybe a person I don't want to deal with. Oh, don't want to deal with. Oh, boy. You probably, I mean, because usually there's almost anything I'd be like,

oh, cool, you know, but you probably rarely meet a musician that you don't want to deal with, what with working in the novelty music field. That's well known for being a field that attracts musicians with high social skills, etc. That's right. You play the nose flute? Come here! Get over here! Or that you can rely on the instrument to be particularly eccentric. Let's throw out a few instruments and get some impressions. Yeah, I'm trying to think of...

Jew's harp. I'm for it. Okay. Didgeridoo. I think it's a jaw harp, isn't it, by the way? Well, it depends on how politically correct you want to be. It's racist because only idiots would play a Jew's harp. So when you say it's associated with Jews,

you're by extension calling the Jewish people idiots. Wow. I didn't get all that. Yeah. It's a complicated series of steps. I always thought that just implied that it's a cheap harp. Oh, is it? No.

I mean, they're not very expensive, I don't think, unless it's a Liberace one. But I mean, I always thought, I thought if you ever heard that it was derogatory because it implies that this is a harp, it only costs a dollar. But that's, who knows? There's so many levels of anti-Semitism around.

I mean, either way, it's racist. I think we can all agree. A mouth harp or sometimes called a juice harp. Juice harp, yes. In order to avoid. You're supposed to dip them in orange juice before you play that. Or something. Didgeridoo.

Didgeridoo. Didgeridoo? Hippies? That's fun. Cool. Sure. I will say, it depends, too. If a didgeridoo played well, somebody can do the whole circular breathing, that's a miracle. That's awesome.

It only plays the one song, though, right? Yeah. Well, but there's the little rhythms in there. You can have a little shaker going. I guess maybe I've only heard Wow, wow. I've only heard the Outback Steakhouse song. That's like there's only one trance song.

There's only one house song. Can we talk about the Outback Steakhouse song? Because it has my favorite musical lyric of all time. I guess I'm thinking of just the bed of music under an Outback Steakhouse commercial. Oh, there's a song. There's a jingle.

I know it because there's – well, it's from this genre of music that you wouldn't be familiar with. It's jingles for products that are only advertised on the radio during baseball games. Sure. And Outback Steakhouse is one of them. And there's this line that goes, when the boomerang go, it come back. No way. You will too, Outback. That's awesome.

Steakhouse from the land down under. Did Outback rise to prominence in that brief period where America liked Australian stuff? Like Mad Max and all that. Yeah, Yahoo! Serious, it's after that. It's after that. Outback Steakhouse I feel like is a phenomenon of the early to mid-90s.

Isn't that where restaurants just started to get huge and it was just awesome to get like, I'm going to Hometown Buffet where it's just a trash can lid of food and then they were like, well you know who makes really big food? You know, like, wasn't it? Aye.

I, um, have you seen this thing with Crocodile Dundee recently? Uh, he's being held in jail in Australia for tax evasion. Really? And he owes... He cannot leave Australia, right?

He owes... Unfortunately for us here in America. Yeah. He owes, uh, he owes three million Australian dollars in taxes. To Australia? To the nation of Australia.

$3 million? $3 million. And his defense, I've read several articles about this, along the storyline is, I don't have that kind of money. That's not how taxes work. You don't spend it. It's not like they're like hey hey uh you know those taxes yo you got that you got that on you yeah well never mind don't worry about hey go back

to la well what do you do at that point i guess he filed bankruptcy right or something but but what's amazing he seems to think that this it not only excuses him from the crime but that he should be allowed to leave the country to go back to Los Angeles. Right. To do something. I don't know. I don't have it. I'm not that rich.

That's just the whole deal. He's like, well, but you made a lot of money and you had to pay taxes on it. Right. Maybe he's like, I need to leave the country and go make some more movies to come back and pay you. Yeah, I mean, he's obviously having meetings and probably developing some new projects. Yeah, he's obviously having meetings and probably developing

some new projects. Yeah, he's working on some cool stuff. Maybe a reality show about... Young Crocodile Dundee, where he is in it for half the movie and he trains a new Crocodile Dundee. It's going to be Jaden Smith, isn't it? Or a movie where he goes out and Survivor Mans it

in order to raise money to pay off his taxes. I would watch that. Yeah, man. By the way, first thing I'm going to do when I go home, I'm going to go home, get an envelope. I'm going to put a little card that says, woohoo, inside it. I'm going to seal the envelope. I'm going to write my return address on it, and I'm going to make it out to Boomerang, and I'm not going to put stamps on it, and I'm going to drop it in, and it's going to come back to me.

You will, too. I'm looking forward to that. You will. It's going to feel great. For the blooming onion. We'll be back in will, too. I'm looking forward to that. You will. It's going to feel great. For the blooming onion. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mike Furman, what do you want to talk about? He's one of the nicest guys in Hollywood.

Sure. I use Hollywood a little bit loosely here. He's been on Kimmel a couple times That's a Hollywood activity He's done a lot of special effects I've been on TSI As a hand double Oh I didn't know that Didn't you at one point you were creating

Those like trips Like in Three Kings Where it's like trips inside the and into the bloodstream or whatever. Yep. That's great. Which CSI were you the hand model in? I worked, I did that stuff on CSI Vegas and then was on CSI Miami as a visual effects coordinator. Do the CSIs share infrastructure?

Nah. Infrastructure. Like the building? Like, are you making something for Vegas and then Miami comes by and is like, hey, might we need it? Not really. The producers would work on both simultaneously,

but mostly it was these guys do. Actually, at that time, the visual effects company was doing shots for both, but I wasn't working with them at the time. Right. I was just on Miami. Does the mythology overlap? Will the characters from Miami visit the characters from Los Angeles?

Yeah, I believe they do, if I'm not mistaken. I think there's an episode where he runs out to see his friend in the CSI New York office or something. Yeah. And it turns out to be LL Cool J. Yeah. I was thinking of NCIS. Oh, oh is that ncis i think it's ncis that ll cool j's on with uh what's that other guy called chris o'donnell chris o'donnell oh speaking of ll cool j and what he's up to uh uh a i have a friend who's working uh in the sound department of the direct toto-DVD SWAT 2.

Oh. I know, 12 years after the fact. I think I saw SWAT in the movie theater. Yeah, yeah. Did it have Dan from Sports Night? It did, yes. Yes, I did see it in the movie theater. This was a big topic of conversation

when Al Madrigal was on the show. We talked about the cholo gang that all had rocket launchers i remember that now um anyways but uh they're making a direct to dvd swat too because i guess the swat fans have been enthusiastic this whole time on the message boards they send bulletproof vests to the studio and And no one from the original SWAT could make a cameo. No one did. Not Dan from Sports Night. Not LL Cool J.

I mean, I could maybe see why Colin Farrell wouldn't want to. But come on, like, Michelle Rodriguez. Get in there. You just got to get in there and cash your check. Sure. I don't know why I was kind of mad at that. Dan from Sports Night, who do you think you are? Casey from Sports Night?

Sure. Who constantly has a television project. I tried to book Casey from Sports Night on The Sound of Young America. He is, at least according to his people, a major star. Sure. Casey from Sports Night. I was like, hey, he Sure. Casey from Sports Night. You know. I was like, hey, he's just Casey from Sports Night. Six feet under,

Dirty Sexy Money, now Parenthood on NBC. Sure. And SWAT. Oh, no, this is we're talking about Casey. Dan was in SWAT. Oh, Dan was in SWAT, yeah. Casey was. I don't know why I was mad at that. I'm like, really? I heard somebody told me Jeremy has a web series.

Hey, talk to me wheneremy has a web series hey talk to me when natalie has a web series yeah right um jordan i want to ask you about she just makes kissing faces and then you can kiss the computer pretend like you're kissing her um i want to talk to you about visiting sets because uh you've speaking oh sure of direct direct to-DVD sequels, what set did you visit? I was recently for Fuel TV on the set of Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. That's awesome. This is the sequel to Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. And I want to register my objection to this film. Sure.

That's reasonable. Because, I'll tell you why, Jordan. this film sure uh that's reasonable because i'll tell you why jordan because right from in its very title it's a spoiler for the first movie right and i know the mega shark win one against the giant octopus i that's what i thought going into it when i saw the clip of the mega shark jumping out of the ocean and biting the airplane out of the air sure i should have known that the mega shark at least was the favorite in the battle right but you know what it could have also been it could be that that's the uh the daughter of the mega shark or the offspring or it could be a prequel oh yeah so you you thought that too but you were proved wrong

well here's the yes i when we booked this visit to the set, I had not seen Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. I think like everybody else, I had just seen it on the Netflix instant watch menu. Sure. And gone, what the fuck is this? And opted not to instantly watch it. Yes.

But the night before, I instantly watched it. And the end of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is the two... They talk it out, right? Yeah, they do, yes. They sit down and they actually... The Mega Shark is voiced by Henry Winkler. And Giant Octopus, Rose McGowan. Wow.

Very sexy voice. This movie has Tiffany and Debbie Gibson in it. Is that right? Oh, geez. This has either Tiffany or Debbie Gibson. Oh, Debbie Gibson's in the first one. Tiffany's in the new one. Okay.

This was explained to me, and I don't think I'll be getting it right. All of these movies, Mega Shark vs. Giant Oct giant octopus uh transmorphers um uh sherlock holmes fights a dinosaur all this weird shit you see in the netflix queue and like on the shelves at blockbuster and go what the fuck most of this is made by the same company called the asylum uh-huh um and they make them on demand as soon as you click instantly watch it they quickly go make it and while it's buffering they're making it it's sort of like one of those live episodes

of the Drew Carey show shares much of the same cast actually too except for Craig Ferguson who's busy but Mimi's there and she's great the guy from Newsline is it anyway these are all made by the same company who specializes in these things.

Anyway, so I instantly watched at the end of the movie is Mega Shark and Giant Octopus kind of entwined in battle, kind of sinking into a trench. Oh, wow. And I guess at the beginning of... So you leave it open. Yeah, I guess at the beginning of Megashark vs. Crocosaurus or MS vs. CS. MS vs. CS. Sounds like a network debacle. Yeah, yeah. Or possibly a Mexican gang war.

Right. We learned that Megashark was the winner. Wow, so it doesn't pay off at the end of the movie? MS-13 is the world's most dangerous mega shark. On the Tiffany Debbie Gibson thing, there's another asylum movie about

piranhas. Oh, is this not Piranha 3D? That was made by actual people. That involves our friend Paul Scheer. I guess Tiffany or Debbie Gibson is in Piranha people. That involves our friend Paul Shear. Yes, it does. I guess Tiffany or Debbie Gibson is in Piranha Nader, and either

Tiffany or Debbie Gibson was in Megashark. Anyways. Okay. So I learned a lot of fun things about the direct-to-DVD movie business, or at least the direct-to-DVD movie business that this company does. All of these movies are shot in 12 days. 12 days.

This one starred Jaleel White. Awesome. Who was Urkel. Urkel. Who was a great guy. I'm sure he is. Very nice. Just happy to be there, happy to be working.

He plays an army captain. Cool. And his army vest that he wore had a name tag on it and just it was poorly black-markered out that it said McCormick. How's anybody going to believe this? Did he kill McCormick?

He stole his jacket and then magic-markered it out. McCormick was like his, you know, that's in the prequel you'll find out that he and McCormick served together and McCormick fell. Oh yeah, this is a rich mythology we're gonna go back a lot what's remarkable about the whole situation is if you're gonna do a set visit there's a real narrow window for you yes you gotta get in and get out yeah yeah when i was talking to them i'm like oh when you know uh you know when can we come he's like like, well, we're filming Mega Shark and Crocswords. You can come today or tomorrow.

Because we're done. That's awesome. Because we started last week, so we're done. And it is in the rules, the rules that the producers set for these movies, that you cannot do more than three takes because it's wasteful. Oh, my God. That's fantastic. So you only do three takes.

That's phenomenal. If you don't get it, you move on. I've got to start watching these. You know, you don't. It's phenomenal. If you don't get it, you move on. I gotta start watching these. You know, you don't. It's not fun like Piranha 3D. It's not like... They, in the end, try to make the best thing

out of it, is it? It's just... It seems... I know the joke about making it while it's buffering, but it seems like, we have to get this done! It just has to be a movie length. They're not just doing it laughing their asses off and like that's good yeah no it's not like it'd be kind of one thing if it was campy and had a lot of tna and

like kind of funny on purpose lines but but yeah it's just kind of there so tiffany's not naked in this no no one is naked there's no nudity no one is naked there There's no nudity in it? No one is naked. There's not even like gratuitous bikinis. It's not even fun in that way. What do they think is going to happen? They're going to show it on airplanes? Yeah, I think, yeah. I don't know. Maybe they...

It's going to show on airplanes in Abu Dhabi or something. I think I've heard that these companies make these movies and they sell them before they're even done to Germany. And Germany will just watch anything that's American and horror related. Really? Yeah, and so before they're even done shooting, they've recapped their money because Germany bought it. Jordan, didn't you watch that Korean dragon fight movie that was in theaters in Los Angeles? Oh, I did. I watched D-War. you watch that korean dragon fight movie that was in theaters in los angeles oh i did i watched d

war yeah d war is d war is hilariously bad but also like has good special effects like is kind of a you know like you know we've all seen the mega shark viral clips and it looks you know it just looks like excreble the cut scene to a playstation one video game it looks like they hired mike and they said you've got two days to do all the special effects in this entire movie. But I don't do that anymore. Don't care. Doesn't matter. Clip art.

Yes. Yeah. The villain in their next movie is a pencil who skateboards. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, this has kind of been just fun banter, but I thought maybe, you know, we could... Hey, I'm on board to play a game. And this is like a classic game, you know,

so this is nothing that I've invented. I already crossed Spider-Poem off my list. I know what we should do is reintroductions. You are... Jesse Thorne,

America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Mike Furman. What game should we play? This game that I'm about to say. And this is something we've all done

with a new twist, though. Oh. Guys, why don should we play? This game that I'm about to say. And this is something we've all done with a new twist, though. Oh. Guys, why don't we play Fuck, Marry, Kill, but with food? I'll start. Okay. Mike, Fuck, Marry, Kill, a cupcake, ham sandwich, sauteed green beans. Go. Fuck, Marry, Kill.

All right. What was the second one? Ham sandwich. All right. Fuck,, marry, kill. All right. What was the second one? A ham sandwich. All right. Fuck, marry, kill. All right. You're going to have to kill the green beans, fuck the ham sandwich,

and marry that cupcake. Good. Anything come to mind? Why? That's just your gut. Yeah, it's just my gut. Well, at the last... I think fuck the ham sandwich is an obvious one. Yeah, that's good. Because you get the ham just your gut. Yeah, it's just my gut. Well, at the last... I think fuck the ham sandwich is an obvious one.

Yeah, that's kind of... Because you get the ham around your dick. Yeah. I wanted to go with fuck the cupcake, but I was like, eh, it just seems like, why even do that? Yeah, right. What's the point? It's no reason.

And then the green beans, I thought about, oh, you know what? I'll marry the green beans, and that'll be my commitment to health. But that's boring. Okay. I can't... Yeah, I don't want to kill a cupcake. Cupcakes are great. They're so sweet. Yeah. And then I thought, you know, it's game. So I'm going to go with the one that. But that's boring. Okay. I can't. Yeah, I don't want to kill a cupcake. Cupcakes are great. They're so sweet.

Yeah. And then I thought, you know, it's game. So I'm going to go with the one that sounds like most fun. Okay. There you go. That sounds like most fun. All right, Mike. Your turn.

You have to pick somebody. All right. Jesse? Yeah. Fuck, marry, kill. Okay. Rotisserie chicken, chocolate-covered almonds, and ground coffee. Wow.

Wow. Okay. Geez. I mean, I feel like I should start with what I should fuck. And the most obvious fuckable is probably the rotisserie chicken, depending on what kind of stuffing it has.

But the only problem with that is it's too much like fucking an actual chicken. It is kind of gay. Actually, it is fucking a chicken. You don't know if it was male or female and you don't want to be gay. I'll make it easier. I ain't no queer.

Coffee grounds, chocolate-covered almonds, or a chicken's vagina. Go. A rotisserie chicken's vagina. They're turning it on a spit. it just so sure um well oh boy it's not easy is it no it's tough i'm worried about cocky coffee grounds sticking to i'm worried about cocky grounds yeah coffee grounds sticking to my dick um we all are i can kind of see if there's a bunch of almonds and they all are. I can kind of see, if there's a bunch of almonds and they're chocolate covered, I can kind of see fucking that.

And I wouldn't want to marry them because they have chocolate. I can't eat chocolate because it's a migraine trigger. Oh, is it really? Yeah, well, for me it is, yeah. It sounds like your marriage will be normal. Sounds like your marriage will be normal. Yeah, right. Sounds like your 1950s.

I'm going to... And you know what? I can't eat the coffee grounds either because it's also a migraine trigger for me. Oh, my God. So I'm going to kill the coffee grounds. I'm going to marry the rotisserie chicken and fuck the almonds.

Wow. Wow, that all made sense. I know. Well, you got to put it together. Okay, Jordan, I sense. I know. Well, you've got to put it together. Okay, Jordan, I guess it's your turn for this fun game that we've put together. Your choices are Roasted Beets, Grape Nuts brand cereal. All right. With milk.

Which is a handful of dry cereal. A box full of dry cereal. Okay. And Jelly Candies from trader joe's trader joe's jelly candies which are good they're good they're really good so flavor packed yeah okay definitely the best kind of that fruity jelly candy i've ever had by far yeah i'm going to fuck the roasted beets okay because i've kind of like you, I've always kind of fantasized about it. And I don't think we should get married because of the cultural difference. You've always fantasized about it.

Like it just wouldn't work out. Like our families probably wouldn't. You've always fantasized about having a bloody dick. Sure. Yes. And so. Much different thought process than what went in my mind. I would marry

Mike's just like I thought cause they're soft I would marry the jelly candies because we like all the same movies uh huh

and I would kill the grape nuts because I think it has a dark secret okay well we'll be back in just a second

on Jordan Jesse Go love you love you love you love you love you love you love you Okay, well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Mike Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Mike Furman.

Ah. You cut off the nickname. Cut him off, sorry. What do you want to talk about? Okay. We've got some cool, we've got some stuff to talk about for this week's program. Some important shit's going down. Some people have sponsored our program.

There's all kinds of exciting stuff happening. Nice. Number one, Friday, September 17th, I'm in San Francisco doing my talk, Make Your Thing. It's about people that I know that have done independent media successfully in the age of the internet and how they've done it and how you can do it. It's at the Darkroom Theater.

The advance tickets are sold out. There will be at least some tickets at the door. I think last time we did a show at the Darkroom, it was Monsters of Podcasting. And I think the folks who showed up just at the door. I think last time we did a show at the Dark Room, it was Monsters of Podcasting. And I think the folks who showed up just at the door and were willing to wait and sort of take spots as they could, we were able to get everybody in last time. Yeah, they're accommodating there.

It might be, fire hazards be damned over there. Yeah, it's a great place. And our pal Merlin from You Look Nice Today is going to be introducing the show. And there's going to be free beer. The good people at the Schmaltz Brewing Company were kind enough to give us some cases

of beer at cost. They made their thing and they're going to give it to you. Our thanks to them. They're the makers of He Brewed the Chosen Beer. Nice. So that's Friday, September 17th and then the next week, Thursday, September 23rd, I'm going to be in Denver for the public radio conference, and we are having a meetup in Denver.

So if you are in Denver on Thursday, September 23rd, from 5.30 to 7 p.m., we will be meeting up at Sweet Action Ice Cream. Are you sure it's an ice cream shop? As I understand it, this is an ice cream. Not only is this a real ice cream shop with cool flavors, but it is also an ice cream shop with Jordan Jesse Go and the Sound of Young America

stickers on their cash register. Yay! Which is why we chose it, and I emailed them, and they say they're going to make a special Max Fun flavor for the meetup. They're saying maybe possibly Dr. Pepper flavor. Okay. So I'm pretty stoked about that. That sounds pretty great.

That's Thursday, September 23rd. Both of those you can find on MaximumFun.org. There's an events column on the right-hand side. Podcasts. I'm going to be on an upcoming episode of our friend Mark Maron's podcast, What the Fuck. Nice. And I just recorded last week a live episode of our friend luke

burbank's too beautiful to live so uh cool keep your eye on those podcasts and you can hear me uh let's let's talk business though uh jordan uh here's this is how we do this on the program if you're just a listener out there and you'd like to promote your personal agenda uh or you'd like to promote your manifesto your business yeah yes business. Yeah, yes. You can sponsor an episode. If you want to bring down the government. You can sponsor an episode of Jordan Jesse Go sort of Jumbotron style for $100 for a personal message

or $150 for a commercial message. We have gotten... A group of Jordan Jesse Go listeners have gotten together to create a pretty amazing website called Tweetboner.biz. called tweetboner.biz. Tweetboner.biz. This is what happens on

tweetboner.biz. There are several things. For one thing, you can type in your name and you can when you type in your name, you can find out your Twitter name. Who you favorite the most. That's the tweet boner feature.

You can also type in other people's name to find out who they favorite the most. It will recommend people to you. So if you type in your name, it will recommend who you would like based on who your favorite people favorite and et cetera, et cetera. It's apparently, the idea is it's sort of like

the recommendation thing on Twitter, only it actually works. favorite people favorite and etc etc it's apparently the idea is it's sort of like the recommendation thing on twitter only it actually works it doesn't just continually suggest you follow kanye west yeah it's like a tweet genome yeah exactly um you can uh uh you can promote people so you can push people up to the the lead for example the example they gave is let's just say you're a big fan of Spider-Man 223. And the reality is, who isn't a big fan

of Spider-Man 223 on Twitter? You could promote Spider-Man 223 and that would give them sort of extra points to show up on other people's

recommendations. And the one really neat feature is I think a lot of people want to kind of follow somebody for a little while, but they don't want the possible embarrassment

of deciding they didn't like following that person and then unfollowing them. So they have a feature where you can type it in and then you can visit the website to see what their latest tweets are of the people that you're sort of auditioning to follow. And that way you don't have to actually, they won't get that email that says that you're following them and then later try to send you a direct message and you're not following

them. Right. So it's a lot of cool stuff. They should have a thing where you could, by the way, that sounds like an awesome site. Yeah, tweetboner.biz. That sounds awesome. There should be a feature though where you could hide things and then, or at least I want to still receive direct

messages from this person, but I don't want to see their tweets. Yeah, I just can. But I don't want to see their tweets. Yeah, I just can't. I don't relate to anything they're writing, and they write a lot, but I feel bad. Yeah, I mean, there's definitely the social obligation follow that's a little tough to jettison once you realize that they're not doing it for you. And I would understand if somebody didn't follow me. That's fine. But then I just feel like, eh, but I don't know if that reflected on that side of the fence. Yeah, I mean, you feel bad.

One other thing is a listener named Paul Brinner is putting together this calendar called the Nonsense Girl Calendar. He's from Alaska. He's working with an Alaskan graphic designer to put together this calendar to fund productions

of plays that he writes. And it, according to Paul, features some nudity, but no graphic sexual content. Okay. They're $30, including shipping anywhere in the world, from what I understand.

And you can find more information about them at nonsensegirls.com. So if you visit nonsensegirls.com, you can see this calendar that he's put together. He's also made up some holidays, such as Ricky Martin's birthday and Ricky Martin's birthday observed. Which I thought was pretty funny.

It was pretty funny. I'm just going to look at that real quick. Yeah, you're just going to check it out. So that's some cool stuff. Yeah. Some cool stuff going on in the world of Maximum Fun. And as always, if you want to sponsor an episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go, instead of emailing me these days,

you can now email our development director, Teresa, my beautiful wife, at Teresa at MaximumFun.org, T-H-E-R-E-S-A at MaximumFun.org. And if you want to sponsor a run of episodes we'll make you a special deal if you want to do just one episode just Jumbotron style 100 bucks

for a personal message 150 bucks for a business message because we try and we don't want to have a bunch of fucking audible ads on our fucking podcast

I'm done AdamandEve.com go fuck yourself now do AdamandEve.com oh yeah we're going to get some free dildos out of the deal oh we would like some free dildos out of the deal.

I would like some free dildos. Have we tried to get free product? We should get some. Do you think we could get enough dildonics to make it worth our while? It wouldn't take many. What the hell is going on here? What did you invite me into?

I don't know if you're a frequent podcast listener, Mike, but a common podcast sponsor is adamandeve.com. Which is a slightly creepy dildo store. Oh, really? Well, porno store. Okay. Porno and dildo store. And loop.

Anyways, I'm saying... I thought just specifically dildos. I was like, that's very, very specific. I did try and talk our friends at Good Vibrations because we had a listener who worked at Good Vibrations and sent us a box of what turned out to be, we later found out, unwanted sex toys

from their sample bin. But we were very tough. Beggars can't be choosers. Oh, man. The 99 cent rack at a sex store is probably the most horrible thing I've ever heard of. This is the display dildo. It's a great sex store.

I have talked with them possibly about sponsoring Jordan, Jesse, Go! at some point. Okay. We worked on it. If you have a sex store. We should do, if it happens, we should do a live show from there. I would gladly do that. I just don't want it to be a creepy sex store. I kind of feel like AdamandEve.com is one of the creepy ones.

Yeah. It's got that classy name. There's one in New York, I think, called Babes in Toyland. It is one of the creepy ones yeah it's got that classy name there's one in new york i think called babes in toyland that's sort of the same deal we want one that's called toys and babeland we want yeah right it should that's what i meant toys and babies oh is that what it's called that is what it's called yeah um i was about to open you've got a yeah you've got a future in the sex store naming business we want one that's owned by friendly lesbians sure there's i mean at the end of the day when you're looking for a sex toy, you want the one that's owned by the friendly lesbians. Anyway, if you're out there, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Mike Furman. What are we talking about now? Let's take some telephone calls. Why don't we?

I'm going to be honest with you. I didn't make a... My computer's in the shop. I had to burn it on this other computer. I don't have a track list with me. So we're just going to see. We're just going to press play. It's a grab bag.

Who are we going to call? Well, wait. Mike, you're really... I'm gonna... Ghostbusters. Hi, Jordan. Yes, you go. This is Chai calling from Sunnyvale, California.

And I'm calling in connection with a personal hero of mine and yours, I believe. Spider-Man 223. And perhaps I can use my Britishness to clear up the misunderstanding you had with him. Thank God. Thank God there's someoneness to clear up the misunderstanding you had with him. Thank God. Thank God there's someone here to clear up this misunderstanding using their Britishness. Sure. If you have a misunderstanding, you're going to need a British person to clear it up. If it involves English, consult an Englishman.

Yes. Judging by the other people that Spider-Man 2-2-3 is following, Judging by the other people that Spider-Man 223 is following, he may believe Jordan to be the British glamour model Jordan, famous for her incredibly large breasts and string of failed marriages, unlike the Jordan of Jordan Jeffery Go. For what it's worth, I've never seen any suggestion that she has a dick pussy backslash. But you never know.

You know, there's no way of knowing whether British glamour model Jordan has a dick pussy backslash. No way of knowing. It's impossible to know. You'd have to do an investigation of some kind. Hey, Jordan and Jesse Goh. This is a call from Tom in northern Kentucky. A call with a momentous occasion. My two best friends from Boston just drove all the way to

northern Kentucky for my birthday and brought me a sweet Jordan, Jesse, go shirt. Thanks for the shirt. Thanks for the show. Talk to you later. Bye. That's the kind of good stuff that happens to you when you go to Maxfundstore.com and get a Jordan.

You end up driving to visit your buddy in a whole other state. You give him a big hug. Give him a present. What's wrong with that? Nothing's wrong with that. That's some of the best stuff that you can get. Everyone should do that. Hey, J.J. Go.

This is Dexter in Toronto. And I just have a moment of vacation for you. I just had sex for the first time in, like, four years. And it worked for a lot of trying. It's not because I'm, like, envious or anything. But just within a crappy relationship that didn't work out that way, and now I'm in a new one, and it's way better. And this is quickly turning into a savage lovecast.

Okay, phone call. I'm just going to liked how his voice went up when he said uh i just had sex for the first time because he's ecstatic yeah i mean i i mean you know not that we're qualified but i think we both encourage uh if you can't get through to the Savage Lovecast, the sex advice podcast, you should just call us. We'll give you sex advice. Sure. Look, we know everything about it. We know everything from dick pussies to dildonics.

Sure. And rule one, have sex. Yeah. There you go. Hello, Jordan, Jeff, Ego. It's Christy from Victoria, BC, Canada here with some momentum. you go. It's Christy from Victoria, BC, Canada here with some momentum.

My son Foster is just having his first big laugh out loud, so we thought we would share them with you guys. In case you're wondering what he's laughing at, because I'm sure that would be a follow-up question. My partner Davis is throwing a

stuffed dog, and our live dog is trying to eat it. And it's apparently the funniest thing that a four-month-old has ever seen. Over and out. I feel like every call from here on out should have baby laughter. Yeah, right?

Yeah. There's nothing better than baby laughter. We should start a baby laughter podcast. You should put an MP3 on MaximumFun.org and have it just have a baby laughing, and You should put an mp3 on MaximumFun.org and have it just of a baby laughing and you should have people push play

and then call you. Yeah. Do you think that it's possible that this could be a future Jordan Jesse Goh listener? Given that right now his primary interest

appears to be dog cannibalism. That's what he finds funny. Yeah. Well, I mean, hopefully when mom was pregnant she played Jordan Jesse Goh to the dog cannibalism. That's what he finds funny. Yeah, well, I mean, hopefully when Mom was pregnant, she played Jordan and Jesse Go to the baby in the womb. We encourage that. We do.

It helps build their intellect. That's why your guys' intro music is just a heartbeat, right? Yes. And then Mozart. Hey, Jordan and Jesse Go. I was going to this place, one of my favorite restaurants in the city, and it's my birthday, and I showed up and all my friends were here, like a bunch of people, it was a surprise party, and they even yelled surprise. Here, everyone say hello. Hello!

Hi. All right, thanks, okay, bye. See? Man, that guy's getting laid tonight. He's gonna call back and say, I just had the first sex I just had in three years. Yes! Four.

Four years. But this guy I thought might have been three. God, if you haven't had sex in four years, having sex has to be pretty great. Yeah. I mean, dang. That's got to be fantastic. I think he dialed the phone with his...

Yeah. Bonus. With his chocolate-covered almond machine. Hey. His chocolate-covered almond fucker. That's how you put it delicately. Hey, Drew and Jesse, go have a momentous slash pretty tragic occasion. Okay.

This is one of those ones that just keeps going. You've heard this? Just leaves. Well, I screen the calls. This is something where just new leaves are revealed and just new magic appears at each turn of phrase. It's not long. In fact, I'm going to go back to the beginning

so you can hear the setup again. This is something that's really going to affect your lives. It's kind of unbelievable. It may be one of the greatest calls we've ever gotten. Momentous and tragic. It's certainly tragic. It's nightmarish. No good.

Can we just spend two more seconds enjoying the feeling of somebody had sex, and somebody had a party, and everybody jumped out. Yeah, birthday, a baby's laughing at a dog. And I want to say that we're not making fun of this guy. It's just the circumstances are just unreal. Okay. Just unreal. I'm prepared. I don't know what it's going to be.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go have a momentous slash pretty tragic occasion. Girlfriend broke up with me, but the day after I gave my virginity to her, basically I lost my virginity to her. The kind of momentous part, however, is that I guess she's a, well, she's a very expensive escort down here. Yeah. I don't want to give her a name or anything like that just for privacy's sake. But, yeah, kind of weird.

We met, by the way, through old friends back when when she was he and now she's she and stuff yeah I just want this guy to know that every lady that he sleeps with in his life

will not take his virginity, break up with him the next day and turn out to be a high class transsexual prostitute i know it seems like that it seems like that now i feel like that's what it's like it's all gonna just be but 40 years of surprise transsexual prostitutes you'll probably probably in probably in the future, it'll be like they'll break up with you because you're not open enough about your feelings or something. Or they might just be really nice and you'll marry them and love them forever. They may be a transsexual. Sure.

But they'll be the nice kind of transsexual that keeps you abreast of that situation from the start. Or abreast implanted that situation. Yes. I just want him to know that it's going to be fine. Yeah, that's great. I feel like that shouldn't happen to somebody who's not famous. It's not that. Right, yeah.

That should only happen to somebody who, you know. To Tom Sizemore. Yeah. I was going to say gerard de pardue yeah um i just just take heart and keep hope alive sure and you know what hey you know it's one of those things where you lost your virginity to the circumstance that you didn't quite plan on but you know what you lost your virginity boom you're free to go you're like you you're good to go the ice you know what? You lost your virginity. Boom. You're free to go. You're good to go. You broke the ice. You know you can do it. Go.

You know you can do it in the craziest circumstances. If you can make it out of that, if that worked for you for however short a time, you're going to be fine with regular... Think about a normal person who you have things in common with.

You learned to drive a car on a stick. That means now you've got sticks done. The worst problem... No, no, this is a good analogy. Keep it going. The worst problem that this could lead to is you could be like someone who served overseas in the military in combat, and everything else from here on out will pale in comparison to the trauma of combat. Maybe every time a big truck drives by your

house and the ground shakes a little bit, you're going to think that your virginity has just been taken by a transgendered high-class prostitute. But that's the worst-case scenario, and you can overcome that. My own father is a veteran who suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder. He got treatment, and it's really helped him. So I think you're going to be okay. Yeah.

Right? Yeah, definitely. Absolutely. You have the best of intentions. It's not your fault. He sounds like a sweet guy, to be okay. Yeah. Right? Yeah, definitely. Absolutely. You have the best of intentions. It's not your fault. You're going to find somebody good. He sounds like a sweet guy, too, right? Yeah. Sounds like a sweet fella.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Bill. This is Nicole. Okay, so I've got a moment of shame. Recently, my friends who are all in relationships or dating have been telling me that I really need to start flirting more and stop treating every attractive guy like he's my brother or my pal, which is a problem I have.

So the other night I was sort of all dressed up and walking into a hotel with some friends and a guy looked at me and said, just sort of flirty, Hey, how you doing? And I said, uh, uh, goodbye. And then I walked away. So, I am a failure. Wait a minute, no you're not!

Yeah, come on! That's a start. That's a start. That's like walking up to... That's like, I never approach women, so the one time I do walk up and go, and then walk away. You still made some progress. Sure, absolutely. It's better than having not done that.

And you're out. You got dressed up. Yeah. Just do that again. Next time, walking up, I mean, next time that encounter, that part of it, you've already done. All you got to do is just start doing the 40-year-old virgin thing, answering with questions and stuff like that.

Yeah. Little flirt tricks. Sure. I think she's got a bright future ahead of her. Yeah. And you know what the bonus part is? What? She's a girl.

Boom. Dudes love girls. Oh, they're great. Just do a little breathy voice thing, you're done. Oh, I know, right? Tell me about it. Every heterosexual dude out there wants to date you. All you have to do is let them know that you're willing to date them.

That's all it takes. Every single one. Okay, here we go. Hey, Jordan and Jesse, this is John from Darwin, Minnesota. I just missed John from St. Clair. Oh, sure, it's been a Cloud. It's been a long time since we played one of his calls. He's been nice about emailing and he's still very active on the forums.

He's one of our all-time favorite callers because he's such a good guy and also just because his voice on the voicemail, it sounds sort of like Toby from American Splendor or something like that. He just sounds like such a nice, sweet nerd voice.

And I chose this call to play because it really takes advantage of that quality. He knows what he's got. He knows the gift that God has given him, and he knows how to use it. I was listening to the episode with the bad lyrics from the songs that you like. For me, a song that I like with an awful lyric

is Square Dance by Eminem, where he says, Psychotic hypnotic product, I got the antibiotic, ain't nobody hotter, and so on and yada yada, gotta talk a lot, I come today la la la,

which he walla walla, mba da da da da, but you gotta gotta. Miracle words, miss my ass. Have a good day, guys. Oh. Oh, John.

Yep. John from St. Cloud just took care of business on Eminem. T-C-B. There's your new beef. Well, the thing that Eminem would have, I think, the other side of that would be that Eminem spits so much that, eh, you know, like a little paragraph, eh, it can't all be perfect. Yeah. But he has like this huge, you know, if you're prolific, if he put out just that that year, then you'd be like, ah. You had a lot of bada bada.

Yeah. Hey, Jordan and Jesse I want to point out if you want to hear a rap song with some of the best of that thing go on your YouTubes or what have you and look up this song by Cameron featuring another guy from the Dipset

I want to say maybe Duke Degod one of the other Dipset guys called Sugar Duga okay it's such a great song it's one of my favorite hip-hop songs of the last five or ten years um such a great song produced by a little fame from mop um of course sure uh you're one of your favorite groups jordan i pretended to fall asleep and uh at one point he says you you're my sugar douga, I'm your nookie nooka. Okay. It's just a series of endearing nonsense

being spit by Cameron, the king of endearing nonsense, I would say, at least in the gangster rap community. It's just a wonderful track. If you ever need a song to just make you feel glad and like you could shoot somebody and then sing a little song and fall in love, that's the

song for you. Mike from Westchester, Pennsylvania. I have the benefit of talking to cab drivers. I was recently in New York City taking a cab and after conversing with my cab driver for a little bit, I got

the AC turned on on a hot New York night. It was glorious, and we wound up conversing, and I gave him vacation trip experience, and I hope all of my cab-related transportation times are like that. It's about small victories, Jordan. Sure. Getting the air conditioning turned on in the taxi cab. Sharing vacation tips. Sharing a few vacation tips. Jordan was scared about talking to service employees and other sort of strangers that you can choose

either to interact with or not interact with. And we had a lot of listeners defending talking to service employees. Yeah, yeah. A lot of eloquent defenses, especially on the forum. It's an interesting possibility. I'll consider it. It also depends on what their temperament is.

You can tell if they want to. Sure. Or then sometimes it's nicer also depends on what their temperament is. You can tell if they want to. Sure. Or then sometimes it's nicer of you to let them not have to. They could have a fiery temperament. Right, yes. Or a placid temperament. Or an air conditioning temperament. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Gale.

This is Christopher Morgan Health calling about the, well, Jordan's question about why he should talk to people on the street, like just talk to random people. I'm actually going to make my point of the story. I was sitting at a bus stop one time, actually having just come home from paintballing, and started talking with a guy who asked what I'd been doing because I had a bunch of gear with me. I explained I'd been paintballing. We talked about paintballing.

And then he said, hey, you seem like a nice kid. I've got a paintball gun. I'm not using it. Back in my van. Give me a call sometime, and you can have it. What do you know? I gave him a call. He turned out to not be a rapist but instead he gave me a

paintball gun that's why you should talk to people so the good part is he had this great interaction with this guy yeah and he got something for the guy gave him a thoughtful gift for no reason other than they had had this interaction the bad news is i, that it was a paintball gun. Right. And that it continued his hobby of paintballing. Jordan, you know this restaurant, Dino's, on Pico Boulevard here in Los Angeles, the home of the orange chicken. Sure. Orange-colored chicken. It's not a Chinese dish. Not the Chinese food. It's called Dino's Burgers, but they're famous for a... They don't really sell burgers. Yeah.

And it's a great, great, wonderful place. Mike, are you familiar with Dino's Burgers? I don't know Dino's, no. Check it out. Okay. Wonderful place. Highly recommended. Right across the street is a store.

And this is... Pico Boulevard is a very kind of lower middle class immigrant. This is a lower middle class, mostly Latin American immigrant neighborhood. And it reminds me very much of what Mission Street was like when I

was a kid in San Francisco. It's very you know, a lot of kind of stores that sell blankets with pictures of the Virgin of Guadalupe. There you go. And there's this one store there. It is a fabric and paintball equipment store.

Okay. It's like they decided, they're like, we got to open a store and it's got to cover all the bases. We got to get both demos in here. So grandmas and grandsons. Right.

Yeah. They will sell children's curtain prints which which came first did they start selling fabrics and then to keep the kids entertained while their moms and grandmas looked at fabric let them shoot each other with paintball guns like what how is that a possible thing it reminded me of when i was a kid my the baseball card store in the neighborhood that i grew up in also had a costume jewelry store inside of it. How do these two people end up meeting and sharing a storefront?

Seems pretty incompatible. The paintball guy and the lady who sells cotton poly blend print fabrics. It's like a step up from a two family yard sale. Which is like the Munsters and the Partridge family getting together to sell stuff.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. I'm Mike Vermin. What did we talk about? Oh, we talked about all kinds of fun stuff, from the war on spiders to... Crocosaurus.

Crocosaurus. We just had a great time on this program. You know why? We had the second nicest guy in Hollywood, Mike Vermin, here. Thanks. We couldn't get Winkler. We tried to book Winkler. We had to settle for Winkler. We tried to book Rose McGowan.. Thanks. We couldn't get Winkler. We tried to book Winkler. We had to settle for Furman.

We tried to book Rose McGowan. Fucking asshole. Coming for you, Winkler. Mike Furman, of course, you may already know him as one half of Hard and Firm. You may remember them from a Past Jordan and Jesse Go episode or Past Sound of Young America episode. He has now released his first solo album

called The Very Last Songs I Will Ever Record, Part 1. It features a cover that has consistent, thematically consistent and astronomical imagery with the correct satellite. He's wearing some cargo shorts. It's true. It's true. You don't know what you're going to need out there. Yeah, you might need a spanner. I've got a Leatherman in that pocket.

Sure. It's now available mikeferman.com P-H-I-R-M-A-N is his website. You can also find him on the tweeters with Mike Furman's. It's a pleasure to have you on the show, Mike. Thanks, man. Thanks for having him on the uh tweeters uh with mike furman's um it's a it's a pleasure to have you on the show thanks man thanks for having me on the show i really do appreciate it

of course 206-984-4FUN the number to call by the way we we already got uh one or two submissions in the king of the children contest uh i want to be clear uh somebody said king or queen of the children uh this is a gender neutral contest yeah uh we the winner will be the king of the children we're not going to right we're not going to change the name of it right and i mean if you if your child is a late is a girl and you think she might be uncomfortable with being named king of the children you can say that the king of the children is also the princess of the children yeah um because i think little girls really like being a princess more than they do being a queen.

They identify with that. Less responsibilities. Right. I don't think little boys want to be prince, or at least they haven't since the mid-'80s. Right. You know, I think they want to be king. Yeah.

And little girls often, I think, might want to be king, too. Could be champion of the children. No, it's king of the children. It's king of the children. No, it's king of the children. It's king of the children. Yeah, it's king of the children. We're too deep in this shit already, you know? Here's how this contest works. We ask that you don't let your children listen to this program.

It's completely inappropriate for children. Of course. Instead, describe what happens on this program to your children. Oh, cool. And have them make a picture and send it in. That's awesome. And you can either just send it to us at jjgoeatmaximumfun.org.

You can post it directly on the forum. I think I probably prefer that because I only check the Jordan Jesse Go email once a week or so. You can post it right there on the forum. And we will eventually pick a winner who will be the king of the children. Yeah.

That's great. However, if your child doesn't win, because your child is not to listen, we will back you up if you tell your child that they won. Hey, nice. Because we think all children are winners. So literally everybody wins. Right, exactly.

So we think all children are winners. Wow. So we're willing to back you up. You just have to, if we see you and your children, you have to kind of give us a heads up that you're going to lead into that. They think they're the king of the children. Hey, look, these are the guys that gave you the award for

king of the children. Exactly. That's exactly how you do it. So, if you have thoughts about the show, you want to call in, momentous occasion, etc. 206-984-4FUN. By the way, a big shout out to the guy who called in, who works at the free voicemail company, who provides our free

voicemail. Yeah. Good looking out, guy in Seattle. 206-9844-FUN, the number to call. Our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. It's from Kitzer Fun, the best of The Free Design. And hey, since we've got Mike Furman here, and he's got the brand new compact disc out, The Very Last Songs I Will Ever Record Part One,

why don't we play the single from The Very Last Songs I Will Ever Record Part One. It is called Clear the Floor. We'll talk to you next week right here on Jordan Jesse Go. Yeah. You ready to move? I am too. Here we go. right here do you think that we could just start over yeah i'm giving up on this beat the snare comes in way too soon and the bass ain't pumping no the bass ain't right at all i'm giving up on this beat it just didn't come together no one will be jumping when they play this at the club I'm just not feeling it I'm just not feeling it

No, I'm just not feeling it I'm just not feeling it You better turn it off Or else we're gonna clear the floor Gonna clear the dance floor This song's gonna clear the dance floor Gonna clear the dance floor This song's gonna clear the dance floor Gonna clear the floor Gonna clear the dance floor

This song's gonna make people walk away Ooh, that was a really awkward breakdown I totally lost the beat And I'm sure I'm not the only one How long has this song been going on? Three minutes, four minutes A minute and a half Are you kidding me?

I'm giving up on this beat Sounds like the drum machine is acting up Try turning it off And turning it back on The machine is acting up. Try turning it off and turning it back on. Nope. Still sounds bad.

I'm still just not feeling it. No way. I'm just not feeling it. Uh-uh. I'm still just not feeling it. You know it's not too late to quit. Cause if we don't, we're gonna clear the floor. Gonna clear the dance floor.

This song's gonna clear the dance floor. Gonna clear the floor. Gonna clear the dance floor. This song's gonna make dancers walk away Oh, this part is way too slow No one would know how to dance to it Unless they just bum around DJ, let that beat go Just follow around. Follow around. Follow around. Follow around. Follow around.

Follow around. DJ, let that beat go. Let it go. Let it go. No, seriously, just let it go. Oh, my God. Anytime you want to stop, just ride with me. Yeah.

Anytime you want to stop, just ride with me. Yeah. Anything's wrong with us all. Yeah. Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God.