Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 146: King of Fruit with W. Kamau Bell

Episode Date: September 23, 2010

Jordan and Jesse welcome comedian W. Kamau Bell to discuss fruit picking, Salt Lake City, and more!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddly, dumby, twiddly, home free. It's Jordan Jesse Go.

I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Joining us on this week's program from the greatest city in the world san francisco california and environs i'm not sure exactly where where in the bay area he's living these days uh one of our favorite stand-up comedians a great old friend of ours the host of the w camille bell curve uh now a podcaster he's returned to podcasting recently uh w kamau bell welcome to the sound of young welcome to jordan jesse go i should say god i'm glad just madness going on in

my brain today i'm glad to be on whatever show this is okay i'll accept whatever show you say it is if this is the o'reilly factor i'm fine why don't we just do half an hour and just see how it turns out exactly see what it is if i start ranting about immigrants sure that's how it happens yeah um great to have you here come out you're you're podcasting these days right you're you got a you got a relatively new podcast with vernon reed yeah yes which is which you know when i was a teenager that would have blown my mind and even as a non-teenager still pretty funny i don't know who vernon reed is well you know what you suck uh no no no guys later no no what's wrong with you are you not a 35 year old black guy that loves rock and roll music no well that's now it makes sense i thought you were

i thought you were jordan and now that that we've i have been to a fishbone concert oh well this is i mean this is related to i mean it's not it's sort of like uh it's if you know fishbone do you know living color sure yes burn and read the guitar player from living color well that's why do you do a podcast oh see yeah it's sort of crazy isn't it yeah he's also the to me to his credit also the sort of like the uh the spiritual leader of the black rock coalition and the whole that's why he's related to fishbone okay yeah i mean i just feel like it a little bit i think fishbone and living color are like like spider-man and superman like they sort of they are the leaders of their universe but they exist in different universes they don't really cross over too much i saw i've seen one show

where they were on the same show but they didn't talk at all uh so uh yeah so i've been a fan of living color since back in the day which is a long time ago now and and thanks to Twitter and I've always been a fan of Vernon Reed

you know when you like a band you like one more than everybody else sure so Vernon Reed was the guy I liked more than everybody else well I think he's the

he's the main guy he writes a lot of the songs he's considered to be one of the great this is one of the this is one of the bands where the lead singer is not the main guy yes that is absolutely true and Vernon Reed is like you say one of the great guitar players. This is one of the bands where the lead singer is not the main guy.

Yes, that is absolutely true. And Vernon Reed is like, you say, one of the great... I mean, he's really one of those guys that's like, he's revered. He is... He's on Rolling Stone's Top 100 Guitar Players of All Time. Also, John Mayer is too. So everything's not perfect. Everything's not perfect.

But yeah, he's... Guitar, electric guitar shredding nerds. Vernon Reed is one of the guys. Okay, sure. But he's also a big jazz dude. He's sort of weird. He made an album with Prince Paul at one point, if I remember correctly.

Yes, he did. He's that guy. He's done lots of things like that where you'll be in the, if you go to classic old used record stores and you look at the Vernon Reed section, you're like, what is this? Like Bill Laswell and all sorts of weird New York heads.

So you, wait, do you met Vernon Reed on Twitter? Yes, that's my story. What is your podcast about? You're a comedian. He's a technical guitar player. Where do you guys meet in the middle? There's Saul in his guitar playing Jordan.

Don't, don't. I'm sorry. It's not all technical. It's not a... Yeah, it is. He's the Black King Veim Amstein. Exactly. Yes, yes. I was was gonna go king crimson but

that's where i go i was gonna say mr bungle wow so we've just several art fun yeah uh it's called well here's what so on twitter i was in new york doing my show a year ago and he's on twitter and he's a very active twitterer and he talks to people so i thought why not just invite him to your show in new york you know just give it a shot just give it a shot and I sent him a thing and I sent him my link to my website

and he's like I have this show and it's 140 characters which everybody knows I don't know why I'm explaining that but trying to get a lot trying to make it sound not crucial

wait now what website are you using here Twitter yeah I don't think that overlaps with our audience so it's good to explain it's just one of those things that doesn't

yeah our audience just doesn't mean anything it just won't mean anything Twitter 140 characters yeah so I had to send a very heartfelt thoughtful It's just one of those things that doesn't. Yeah, our audience just won't mean anything to them. Twitter, 140 characters. So I had to send a very heartfelt, thoughtful entreaty to Vernon Reed and 140 characters. What did you choose to focus on? I think it was, come to show.

Website. You're great. Me like you. Me like you. Come out. I think it was something like that. Befriend? Befriend?

Befriend? Hero. Hero. No, you my hero. I'm not your hero. Something like you. Me like you. Come out. I think it was something like that. Be friend? Be friend? Be friend? Hero. No, you my hero. I'm not your hero. Something like that. It was very... Me not crazy. It was very unfrozen caveman lawyer.

Sure. Which is a reference I haven't used ever. But I sent him this tweet and he got back to me right away and he goes, oh, that's my birthday. I'll be there. And I'm like, why would you come on i would burn it shouldn't you be having sex with blondie or something shouldn't there be i don't know something else you live in new york i mean debbie harry her name's not blondie don't email me that this is the demographic of the show i see

uh but so nitpicking there'll be a lot of nitpicking. So it's good that you didn't say that Spider-Man and Superman existed in the same universe. Oh, yeah. Other than we wouldn't be able to function. That would have been a train wreck of the first order. I even questioned if Spider-Man and Superman were the leaders of their respective universe, but I'm glad we didn't get into that. Yeah. Because Batman probably has something to say about that.

Anyway, because Batman's real. So I sent him this thing and he said, it's my birthday, I'll come. And I was like, totally blown away. And then he didn't show up.

Oh. And so after the show, like the show went great, but I'm like, stupid. And my wife and my mom are there and we stupid show business,

dumb. And as I'm sort of having this sort of like. You have a bouquet of wilted flowers, a heart shaped box of chocolates. The cake. People started picking at the cake that was in his face.

Oh, yeah. That was made in his face image. And he bounds up the stairs like as soon as the show ended in classic rock star timing like, did I miss it? Like, you know, the show's been over for a half hour. You came. Yeah. And so then he's like, oh, I'll come back again. So he came back again and liked it.

And then we started having random Twitter conversations. And then he came to San Francisco and we had a phone conversation. We talked for like two hours and we started having random, we sort of, you know, it was like high school conversations between, uh, two,

uh, like two young girls talking about boys and hair. And, uh, and then he is a big podcast. He talks about pocket. He had heard me on Marin's podcast and he's a big podcast listener

and so we talked about the idea if he should have a podcast and I was like I think I should be on it and so we've released two episodes we've recorded

many but when your main tech guy is also the lead guitar player in a Grammy award winning band that's on tour it's hard to get him

to mix the episodes down so there is a there is a flood of material just waiting at the gate of you being best friends with Vernon Reed from Living Color I guess I still have the question

what do you guys talk about? the name of the podcast is The Field Negro Guide to Arts and Culture so we talk about arts and culture from the perspective of two field negros, which is just black people like a black guitar player a black electric guitar player who's not your average negro and me who is just not your average negro so we really just it's like it's like any podcast

it's just we're the two people talking about the stuff the part that i am still processing about this i feel like this is if i had grown up to host co-host a podcast with former chicago cubs first baseman mark grace like this is because before i found out about this like i knew about your personal like cultural emotional commitment to the sort of that sort of like late 80s black rock coalition world i'm sort of pretty yeah i'm pretty upfront about it once you know me for about a half hour, it comes out in conversation. Do you guys feel like maybe down the line, if the podcast is successful,

you can build some bridges? You might have a sexual relationship? However you want to call it, building bridges, sexual relationship. I was going to ask if maybe you guys would invite Dr. Mad Vibe

on the show and so forth. Well, that's the funny thing is he, because he's been around for long, he knows everybody and has stories about everybody. He'll be like, blah, blah, blah. That person's like, oh, that guy's a jerk. Oh, so, and the fishbone living color thing is very much like Spider-Man and Superman

where they've been in issues of comic books together, but it doesn't happen that often. Okay. So Dr. Mad Vibe. I would love to get to the Dr. Mad Vibe. No, I don't know Vernon Reed. That's true. I'm only love to get to the Dr. Madbox. No, I don't know Vernon Reed. That's true. I'm only semi-aware of the band. Mm-hmm.

If all of his stories... But to be fair, you are the leader of a cult of personalities. Yes. Yes. And you are wearing spandex right now. To be fair, if all of his stories about famous people start out, yeah, he's a real jerk, is maybe Vernon Reed the jerk. Not all of them.

I didn't mean to say that. Just Moby. Well, I mean... Noed not all of them i didn't mean to say that just moby uh well i mean but no this okay are you saying that the man who opened up a tea house in brooklyn is a jerk perish the thought maybe i'm not trying to break stories here's a great example of vernon reed uh of how we were so i brought him with me to uh i did some interviews at serious satellite radio in new york and we were hanging out that day i was like you want to come to my So I brought him with me to, I did some interviews at Sirius Satellite Radio in New York. And we were hanging out that day. I was like, you want to come to my interviews? So I walk into these interviews and some of the people were like, why are you with Vernon Reed?

And some people were like, who's this dude you're with? But it was really funny to walk in with this dude. So we're walking down the hallway of Sirius Satellite Radio. And coming straight at us down the hallway is basically what I would describe as a human Mardi Gras float that I realized was Martha Stewart. Like it was just down the middle of the hallway, slowly. People are getting out of the way of her. She's just walking straight down. She's really tall.

She's over six feet tall. Oh, wow. She has tiny men under her, suspending her with cables. Yes, yes. Tethering her down with cables. And I'm having this experience like, that's freaking Martha Stewart. And Vernon goes, Martha! And they start, and it was just like, why do you know Martha Stewart. And Vernon goes, Martha! And they start, and it was just like,

why do you know Martha Stewart? And he's like, oh, we were on a, we were on Paul Allen's yacht on a trip one time. Like, oh, of course, Paul Allen,

the billionaire from Microsoft, and you, Martha Stewart, are all hanging out together. Wow. Can we just announce that this is the greatest interracial partnership of all time?

Yes. This is, there is no, better than Eddie Murphy and Judge Reinhold. Yes. That is the most fantastic thing I've ever heard in my life. That's what I'm telling you. And it was funny. I was sitting there having this like,

that's Martha Stewart. He's like, ah. I don't think I can think of a better white person for him to be friends with. Exactly. Is this a better odd celebrity pairing than Al Gore and Tommy Lee Jones? I think we need to ask ourselves.

That's a serious question. I don't think they're as close as Al Gore and Tommy Lee Jones. They're probably more casual friends. I didn't know Al Gore and Tommy Lee Jones were... They were college roommates. I thought... I was thinking Tommy Lee from Motley Crue for a second.

So yeah. Mine tops it. I was like, well, Tommy Lee... Thatley Crue for a second. So yeah, mine tops it. Mine tops it there. I was like, well, Tommy Lee. No, then yeah, mine tops it. That would be pretty amazing. Okay, well, we'll have more on Jordan Jesse Go when we come back in just a second. It is Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, little breathing room so you can be ready. You know what I like about this program? People sometimes email me.

This program as a whole or this particular episode? This particular episode of this program. Sweet. People sometimes will email me and say, why do you put on that weird radio voice? Sure. This is just how I talk in my day-to-day life. It's my own voice.

I would say that you are downplaying the affect for the radio. Yeah. Even more ridiculous in casual conversation. You can't hear me twirl my mustache as I talk. But what I like is being, I'm going to guess, 6'5", 220, being bigger than me, which is, I think when you get to like a certain... I'm even bigger than that really bigger than that Jiminy Christmas

so when you get to be like about my size which is like I don't know like I'm probably 90th percentile or something like that you start to really notice when someone is bigger than you because it's sort of shocking yeah I know that feeling

you don't really notice how small people are. You feel like maybe you have to fight them. Yeah, exactly. For dominance of the pride. Being as that Kamau has that frame, being as that this is a man that is bigger than me, he also has the appropriate sort of basso profundo voice that makes my voice

sound less like a ridiculous radio joke. Well, I'm glad to be able to make that happen. I'm glad to be able to support this program in any way possible. I'll even go deeper.

I'll go, you'll never find, I'll go Barry White on you. Wow, that's great. I want to apologize. I was a few minutes late for our taping today. Kamau had arrived

before I got here. I arrived just as you were arriving, Jordan. I feel terrible about it. I pitched a big star fit. Your staff was... I know. They really had to handle it. I know, especially Coco, my dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She had to do some tricks to keep you happy. You mean the production coordinator. Yeah.

She can jump high. I have a good excuse I had a meeting with my friends at the Apple Corporation But that's not the excuse The real excuse is that I bought a fruit picker Yes, I didn't even know what that was And when you said, when you had it and held it

I was like, I don't know what you're saying I recognize the words, but the order doesn't make sense I have wanted a fruit picker. Jesse, the correct term is you hired a fruit picker. No, I bought him. Fair and square. Yeah. I wanted a fruit picker for years.

I don't know. Where do you live, Kamau? San Francisco. So you live in San Francisco. Do you live in one of the temperate belts of san francisco or in like i live in the inner sunset so you don't know it's a moderate it's not too cold but it's it's not uh it's not avocado tree country no it's definitely not avocado tree country so i grew up in the mission which is sort of avocado tree country and uh when i was in uh high school i had this friend jasmine uh who had an avocado

tree in her backyard and i'll tell you about having an avocado tree number one avocado trees are monstrous and they are fucking full of avocados and the good thing about avocados is you really feel like you're getting over when you pick one out of an avocado tree because they cost like two dollars it's not like lemons or like oranges that you don't even want them basically with an avocado you're like oh fuck like i just got ten dollars worth of avocados just from picking and she had a fruit picker and i have been fantasizing about having a a fruit picker friendly lifestyle and be a fruit picker for the 10 years since i graduated from high school i have been this is what a fruit picker friendly lifestyle, and B, a fruit picker for the 10 years since I graduated from high school. I have been, this is what a fruit picker is. It's like, it's like a pole

that's maybe, it's actually two poles that you bolt together that are total, maybe I'm going to say 10 feet long, 12 feet long. And at the end, there's a basket, a small basket that faces horizontally. And then if you can imagine if I, if the basket was up against my palm and my fingers were curling over the top of the basket, there's sort of an attachment made out of wire that grabs fruit out of a tree. And as you tug it down, it breaks it off the branch and it falls into the basket. You know what it looks like to me? It looks like when you watch a movie that's set in the future and they create a fake sport. It looks like the thing that would be used in the fake sport of the

sci-fi movie. So I had like half an hour in between an appointment at the bank. Of course, getting a small business loan. And my appointment with the Apple Corporation. So I stopped by. Using the small business loan. Yeah, and buying Apple. And I'm

not buying Apple, but I am buying their new social networking service. They're giving it to me for $2,000. Oh, wow. Yeah. So I stopped in the Goodwill. I saw this thing. That's exactly what I thought when I saw it.

I didn't even recognize it as a fruit picker, despite my fruit picker fantasies, when I saw it sitting in the like, you know, like the oil drum that's at the back of the Goodwill that just has a sign on it that says tall things. Tall things. You know, it's like oversized umbrellas and crutches. 28-year-old supermodels.

Exactly. The whole nine yards. I feel like the king of all fruit. What fruit is in your life that you're going to pick with this? Tiny lemons. Okay. But didn't you just... Yeah, I mean...

You just said lemons weren't real fruit that nobody wanted. Here's the thing. If you pick five lemons, that's not a real fruit. However, there's this tree out back behind my house. This tree has so many fucking lemons in it it's got like thousands of lemons in it and all i can do is just watch them as they turn to rot because they're too high i can't reach them and it's sort of on a hill at one point i had like a chair propped against the tree on the hill and i was climbing in the tree trying to get these lemons. And I got one round of lemonades worth of lemons out of this thing.

And it just made me want more lemonade so badly. Are these going to usually be used for lemonade, or are you going to use it to add zest to certain dishes? Well, I may, for example, use the zest or the pith to add zest to dishes. We just got real technical around here. But generally speaking, I'm going to be juicing them. But what you can do, I don't know if you guys know this. I don't know if you guys are on board the whole lemon situation.

What you can do is you pick a shitload of lemons with your fruit picker. Do either of you guys have a fruit picker? No. No. We're normal people. That's right. I'm king of all fruit. Yes. So you can pick the lemons have a fruit picker? No. No. We're normal people. That's right. I'm king of all fruit. Yes.

So you can pick the lemons with the fruit picker. You pick a shitload of them. You juice them all in one fun afternoon of crazy, a mad bacchanalia of juicing. Sure. Fun. Huh. I guess we all have different definitions of that. And then you put them in Tupperware.

Oh, yeah. You take mushrooms before you do it. I don't know. Sorry. Did I mention the mushrooms? No. Now it makesres. Oh, yeah, you take mushrooms before you do it. I don't know. Sorry. Did I mention the mushrooms? No, now it makes sense. Just eat a big handful of mushrooms. Magic mushrooms.

Yes. Not just regular mushrooms. Not portabellos. Not portabellos or porcinis. So you fill these Tupperwares with lemon juice. You put it in the freezer. You got fucking lemonade all winter long, gentlemen. All winter long.

Finally. Yeah. This sounds like an infomercial waiting to be filmed. Are you tired of not having lemonade all winter long, gentlemen. All winter long. Finally. Yeah. This sounds like an infomercial waiting to be filmed. Are you tired of not having lemonade all winter long? You need a fruit picker. Here's the secret of making lemonade. This is a how-to segment of Jordan and Jesse Go. You want one part sugar, one part lemon juice, one part water

to make the super intense lemonade stuff. And then you mix that about half and half with water when you serve it. Oh, so you make like the syrup. You make a concentrate. So you essentially make a syrup or a concentrate, and you can freeze the juice. You can freeze the juice in Tupperwares or freeze the lemonade stuff in Tupperwares, whatever you prefer.

And then, like I said, lemonade all winter long. I just feel like I'd open up his refrigerator and be all lemonade and then frozen lemonade. Sure sure just lemonade in various states yeah various states of yeah are you putting some sugar around the uh ring of the glass oh absolutely why not i mean yeah as well you got a little condensation it'll stay there sure it's gonna be fantastic you put a little wedge on the edge i mean wedge the edge if you're just gonna wedge the edge if you're interested in presentation um if you're if you're say martha stewart or her best friend vernon reed yes he always wedges the or their best friend bruce lee yes adding ethnicities to this wasn't that the uh name of in living colors uh third

album wedge the edge wedge the edge yes it was it was um and you know what here in silver lake there's so many lake there's so many like there's so many of these fruit trees just around i think i'm gonna steal people's fruit is that allowed no i i instantly had an image of you walking around with that fruit picker like you're gonna make like a like a shoulder strap for it and it'll be off the back off the back any time i encounter fruit i mean mean, how long till... I mean, sure, you justify it to yourself. Like, well, I'm just going to go, you know, get a few plums.

Right. Then you're just picking money out of a bank vault before you know it. Well, I want to have plumade all winter long. Sure. But what my scenario that I'm working on right now is, if I'm stealing the fruit and I get caught, this is what I do. I just go, just a neighbor in a bow tie. It involves me wearing a bow tie.

I probably should have mentioned that. When I do the fruit picking, I will be wearing a bow tie. Specifically, the bow tie is fruit picking wear. I had never known that. I knew bow tie for black Muslims. Sure, the fruit of Islam wears a bow tie is fruit-picking wear. I had never known that. I knew bow tie for black Muslims. Sure. Sure, the fruit of Islam wears a bow tie. And the late Senator Paul Simon from Illinois.

Yeah, absolutely. But I did not also know for fruit-picking. Political columnist George F. Will. Yes, yes. But yeah, no, it is specifically Orville Redenbacher. You put on, you're going to want to wear a braces or a suspenders. You're going to want to roll your sleeves up, wear a bow tie, and

preferably, if you can, wear like a brogue to boot, maybe. Something ankle height. You're talking too fast. I'm trying to write this down. And then, when you catch it, you just go, hey, just a friendly neighbor with a bow tie. Do you ever think about when you're picking the fruit,

you know, and this will probably help when you're picking the fruit, you know, and this will probably help when you're doing fruit picking over, you know, a longer period of time, having some sort of exclamation that you yell when you pick a piece of fruit down.

I mean, it doesn't have to be like a phrase. Like Varshi blows? No, you can just be like, ha! Yeah. Oh, sort of like a cockswain on a sculling boat. Yeah! Yeah. Oh, sort of like a cockswain on a sculling boat.

Kya! Ho! Yeah. Hup! Hup! Ho! Hup! As you're picking fruit.

That will certainly lead to the conversation with the neighbors much sooner. That's a good point. That's a good point. Just a yelling lunatic. Do you think it's... What if somebody's fruit tree is on the sidewalk? Is that legal? I don't think you'll come across that.

No, it is. What do you mean, on the sidewalk? So you know how in Los Angeles there's an extra wide sidewalk, and there's a strip of green, and then a sidewalk, and then people's front yards. You see what I'm saying? So plenty of people have a tree in that strip of green, and sometimes it's a fruit tree.

I know there's a lemon tree on my walk because sometimes I steal a lemon from it when I'm walking my dog. You just pick it down, you rub it on your sleeve, and then you take a big bite. Bite out of the lemon. Yeah. Just peel and all. Bite the lemon, by the way. I mean, I'd say just use your good judgment, you know? I mean, if the tree is, you know, overflowing and things are rotting and falling off, then it's probably okay.

Do you think that there is a month-to-month estimate that you guys could make, sort of an over-under, on how soon it will be until I am operating a still of some kind? That's what I thought. I was like, when does that happen? Because once you have more lemons than you can take, eventually you can't help but start to... You start making lemon whiskey or something. Lemon whiskey. Lemon whiskey. I want somebody to call in.

I want a legal scholar to call in and tell me whose fruit I can steal. If their gate is open, am I allowed to go in there? If it's reaching over, what about this? There's a tree right down here in my backyard area that's reaching over the fence. Can I get the ones that are reaching over my fence? What about the ones that are reaching over onto the sidewalk from the front yard? I mean, I can say growing up, we had a plum tree reach over situation.

Uh-huh. And we reached over. This all sounds like euphemisms. Yes. I was molested. All right. I just want to be clear. That's what we're talking about.

Yeah, that's what we're talking about. With a plum. With a plum. A plum tree situation means to be molested with All right. I just want to be clear. That's what we're talking about. With a plum. With a plum. A plum tree situation means to be molested with a plum. By a black muslin. The plum by a member of the FOI. Sure. For the record, Louis Farrakhan, if you're listening, I do not support that joke.

Don't kill us. Don't worry. If there's beef between me and him, he's the king of squashing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, the plums were coming over into our yard. And from what I understand, it was all kosher that we took the plums. These were kosher plums? Yeah.

These were blessed. It was a rabbi's house that lived next door. Sure. There were no cloven hooves on theums. Yeah. These were blessed. It was a rabbi's house that lived next door. Sure. There were no cloven hooves on the property. No. Again, I think basically all these questions you're asking

are the equivalent of like, if your front door is open and I can see your TV from the street, can I just go take your TV? I think this is, you have to think of it like that. That's basically the same question

you're asking. I think if you have a TV picker and a bow tie. And a bow tie. Then it is. Otherwise, it's a legal gray area. Just a neighbor collecting TVs. Just a neighbor collecting TVs.

Help! I think that's what you should say when they catch you picking fruit. Just a neighbor collecting TVs. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jesse. We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second.

We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second.

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We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, bully detective. Debbie Kamau Bell, frog whisperer. That's not going to work. Give me another shot.

Yeah, yeah. There'll be two or three more of these. Okay, all right. You can just do whatever you want. I mean, at the end of the day, we need you to say something so we seem like less of assholes for saying it. Sure. Basically. Oh, okay.

That's a whole different category. The whole premise of this whole operation is basically if you don't say something, then we seem like real assholes for saying something when you didn't. I got you. Jordan. Yes. It's been a while since we've seen each other. It's been 10 days since the last Jordan and Jesse go. Yep.

I feel like often you have something important to share. Yeah, well, this is one of those times. I was in, the reason that you haven't seen me is I've been in Salt Lake City for a while. For a while? Yeah, like five days-ish. SLC? Yeah. How'd you like Salt Lake?

Campaigning against gay marriage? Yes, I know. It's a hard fight, but one we're prepared to fight. Come on, just to explain the situation to you. When Jordan isn't broadcasting Jordan Jesse Go here, he's actually in the special underwear business. So he makes special underwear for people of faith. Salt Lake City was charming, but not really a thing. It's nothing.

I remember I went there. It's pretty. Sure, absolutely. The Great Salt Lake is amazing. I did not get a chance to see the Great Salt Lake. To be fair, I was kind of confined to the downtown area where I was working. I didn't have a car to go maybe visit some of their vast wilderness or whatever it is that they like. I went there when I was 12.

And what I remember about Salt Lake City is this. I remember that the Mormon edifices that are, you know, the Mormon tabernacle... The Mormon's orifices. The Mormon's orifices. The edifices, you know, the giant genealogy building, all these things, they're pretty amazing,

but you're not allowed to go in the tabernacle if you're not Mormon, and you're not really... there's not really any reason for you to learn whether or not you're Mormon in the tabernacle if you're not Mormon, and you're not really, there's not really any reason for you to learn whether or not you're Mormon through the medium of genealogy, unless you believe that only Mormons can go to heaven. And so you're pretty much left with

a whole lot of nothing. I met a Mormon guy on a plane who was talking to me about, like, he was from Salt Lake City, and he had like a postcard of the, this is the temple, da-da-da, and he's like, but you can't go in there and it's cool and i mean he's kind of rubbing it in a little bit i mean because i'm black he's like well kind of that but mostly because you're well yes and no are you one of the mud people yes

but also do we say that you can now become a mormon yes do we believe it not really yeah are we gonna be a dick about it um but i remember even as a 12 year old just being stunned at just how there just wasn't it's almost to the point where it made you feel like their strategy was they would build these amazing mormon things then not let you go in and make sure that there wasn't any other things, so that if you happened to be there, you would become Mormon just so you could check out the one thing there was. Inside there's a chocolate fountain. Damn it!

Damn it! Yeah, okay. So I saw, I mean, on the topic of Mormonism. Yeah. Kind of. Maybe. I don't know. Somebody's going to yell at me.

Whatever. On the topic of Mormonism, I saw a t-shirt that I'm still thinking about. And I was there for the Dew Tour, the Mountain Dew action sports extravaganza. Very, very big in Salt Lake City, by the way. I think it's their highest attendance. What? Yes. Salt Lake City?

I think they have six or seven stops come out for you. This is a tour that Mountain Dew puts together. There's skateboarding. There's motocross. Were you competing? Yes, in motocross. Okay, all right. No, no, I work for Fuel TV.

He's a professional motocrosser. Deals in that sort of thing. It's been a while since I've seen you. No, yeah. He's a podcaster slash dirt bike. Yeah, I am a dirt bike. Anyway, so, but yeah,

highest attendance at the Salt Lake City. How many people go to this Dew Tour? Maybe 10,000? Are we talking 10,000? How many people are doing it? 20,000 maybe.

20,000? That's pretty solid. Sure. That's a Shakira concert right there. Yeah, right? Sure. Also a euphemism.

It actually also, oddly enough, means to be molested with a plumb real shakira concert um anyway so you can maybe kind of imagine the type of kid that comes out to this thing like you know just like a little shithead. Just like your typical little shithead. Like, not like, you know, they don't look violent or dangerous or anything, but they're like a little shit. Sure. And there was one of these little shits.

He was maybe 15. Yeah. Wearing, like, really big kind of jorts. Maybe jorts close to his ankle. Sure. Oh,an shorts yeah okay wow okay um sheens was weird um anyways and his t-shirt was a bright orange t-shirt and it said legalize it and the design on it under under legalized it was the male bathroom sign surrounded by three female bathroom signs. But the mind-blowing thing about it was that the male bathroom sign had a big smile on its face and the female bathroom signs had no face at all. Wow. Also, do you think it was a tongue-in-cheek endorsement of polygamy i mean i

i think it was an endorsement of polygamy but but i mean i can't imagine it was critical of it no but i don't think it could have been i mean there are very there are very few people who sincerely support polygamy, and those people are very serious-minded, obsessive religious types, not 15-year-olds at the Dew Tour. Do you think there might be a 15-year-old who would turn out to that? Polygamy sounds like fun.

Yeah. I mean, once you become an adult, you go, that would be crazy. That would be a nightmare. I think it really gets back to something I think we've probably talked about on Jordan Jesse Go before which is children

with snotty t-shirts they don't have their own money so someone bought them a t-shirt that says like you know 50% angel 50% slut. Or whatever.

Or alternately, zero to slut in under 10 seconds. That's not a t-shirt. That kind of thing exists. Zero to bitch. Yes, I've seen that. I saw a teenager who looked maybe 15 that was wearing one of those t-shirts that you get

at like the Cabo Wabo Cantina that says one tequila two tequila three tequila floor and you're like this is a 15 year old like a where did he get it b what who are the parents who are so like morally vacant that they're just like uh uh fuck it yeah oh you know i thought you're 15 one tequila is plenty sure that's really more than enough that's a good piece of teenage drinking i just don't want kids to be like i i don't think that like i'm against all people i'm against all people having t-shirts where the subtext is hey hey, fuck you. But also, look at me while you're fucking off. But the thing that I understand the least is when there's someone who apparently decided it on behalf of the child. Children don't have their own minds.

I saw one on this same dude tour. Yeah, same kid, 14, 15. T-shirt said... Little shit. Yeah, little shit. T-shirt said, $5 foot long with an arrow pointing at his dick. Wow. Now that's not about polygamy, I don't think.

Yeah. I had this moment, this sort of like what's wrong with America moment the other day. And I don't have a lot of these. I'm not, you know, I'm not George Carlin. Sure. i don't have a lot of these i'm not i'm not you know i'm not george carlin but uh i uh i'm not lewis black just trying to think of something that he hasn't yet been angry about um but i i was at uh i was at the foster's freeze um i don't know if you guys ever stopped by the foster's freeze uh they got this product called the twister um i don't know maybe you would know it as as the dairy queen's blizzard oh the 12 that's that's the mcflurry or the mcflurry i don't know why they're all weather themed well i mean you know you want to have an association with uh i mean i think you're trying to dangerous weather

well the blizzard is the original that's why they sponsor Ice Road Truckers. Brought to you by... Get the same thrill as the Ice Road Truckers without risking your life. So I... And you know what? I love Blizzards. Yes. I think they taste great. Yes.

I think they're a big improvement on both candy and soft serve ice cream. That's true. That's true. It's one of those things where one plus one equals five. It's like the Beatles of dessert products. Do you prefer the Twister to the Blake? Do you have, is there one brand of these? They're the same product.

Okay. These are all the same thing. Is there a different kind, like, do the companies associate with different kinds of candy? Like, is one in bed with Mars and one in bed with Nestle? Same candies. Okay. Same candies.

You're talking about Reese's Pieces. Yeah, you got your Reese's Pieces, you got your Reese's Cups, you got your Butterfinger. That's my choice. Candy companies are like the Old West. There's no rules. Oh, wow, yeah. Martial law. It's wide open.

And I'm a big man with a big appetite. Okay? I'm 6'3", I'm a big man with a big appetite. Okay? I'm six foot three inches tall. I'm over 200 pounds. I'm no W. Kamau Bell. I'm not seven feet tall, 429 pounds. No, no. I don't have a Shaquille O'Neal physique.

But I'm a big, like I said, 90th percentile. Yes. And I have a moderately active lifestyle. I do a lot of walking, and I eat a lot. I'm a big eater. I like to eat. I eat a lot of food relative to most people. It's your Italian heritage.

Sure. Hey, I'm going to cake a boss. Everything is Italian in my whole show. All I have is saying that I'm an Italian. Sorry. I'm an Italian sorry I'm obsessed with the one episode of Cake Boss I saw

he makes the most sad looking cakes I think it's funny that it's definitely about the Italian thing because those cakes I'm like we've seen enough

of those shows and I'm like that's not very good yeah it's not that great you feel like there's other impressive cake shows that make better cakes

yeah I feel like there's better cake people I've seen make those cakes like the dude yeah that doesn't look like a paint can at all. But then, but then his, my grand uncle is coming to visit from Sicily. And so we're all going to have an Olive Gardener commercial.

Abundanza. So I'm a big man with a healthy appetite. But I'll tell you, I order, there's, I know at the the Foster's Freeze there's three sizes of Blizzard. One of them is like the junior size. It's something that implies it's for babies. One of them is a medium and one of them is a large, okay? I order the junior size. One is nuclear winter.

This is the biggest size. I order the junior size of these things. This thing is like, I don't know, maybe it's got to be 14 ounces of ice cream. They serve them in what amount to soda cups. Yes. Right? But it's ice cream and candy in the soda cup. And they want you to think that buying it, I mean, I'm not, obviously, you know, for all these sort of like omnivores dilemma reasons,

I can understand why it's bad to even order the sodas, supersize me, whatever. But like a medium soda, that's a, what, a 20-ounce beverage or 24-ounce beverage. That's more beverage than you need. But it's reasonable to think that someone could drink that much of a beverage because they're not even noticing the amount of calories they're putting into their body because it's only coming from the sugar. And also you might drink the soda over a long period. You might have... Exactly.

Now, the junior size is roughly 14 ounces. Now, let's be clear. That's nearly a pound of ice cream. That is nearly... That is like more ice cream. These are tightly packed, too. Yeah, this is jammed in there.

Don't they even have maybe a machine that stomps it down to make sure that there's no dead space? And you can turn it over and it doesn't fall out because it's all, yeah. It's so jammed in there. And that's the junior size. I think the medium size, you're looking at a pound and a half of ice cream and candy and the large size has got to be 32 ounces that's two pounds of ice cream who in the world is buying anything other than a size junior blizzard how could you possibly, even two people? I am like, I will eat a junior blizzard and feel like I've been gluttonous. I will share a junior-sized blizzard with my wife and feel like I've eaten plenty of ice cream.

And that's, again, as somebody who loves ice cream and eating a lot. Well, you know, you say who would do that? I know we're in Los Angeles right now. Let me just take you an hour east. Let's go on a little journey. Yeah, you know, you don't have to go that far. Let's go to Riverside. Let's go to Riverside. Why not? And we will show you who

will eat those junior, who will eat the... And then we will show you their knuckle tattoos. Exactly. Come on, do you have a fast food item that may be against your better judgment you always get? Well, no. I used to have – I used to, and I had this – I actually just was like, I can't even. The McFish.

The McFish. The McRib was – even though there was clearly no rib in it. No, the Jamba Juice. Remember when we thought Jamba Juice was just fruit? Sure. Remember how we went Jamba Juice was just fruit? Sure. Remember how we went through that period of time? I remember when America

thought that. I don't know if I ever bought into it fully, but here's the tip off to the reason that's not true. All Jamba Juice employees are horribly unhealthy looking. You'd think that their image

is supposed to be like farm-raised goodness. You'd think they would get to try and go the extra mile and get some healthy... You'd think that their image is supposed to be farm-raised goodness. You'd think they would get to try and go the extra mile and get some healthy... You'd think they'd have one of those alternative apparel situations where the CEO just gets delivered a stack of... American apparel. Oh, American apparel situations where the CEO just gets delivered a stack of Polaroids to jack off to every morning and select who's the most on brand. Who's the most on... But yeah, it's like they don't even try.

They will hire the most, the dumpiest, most pockmarked. Well, they don't care what the people look like because once you have one, you really have to like stop yourself. Like, you know, they know it's instantly addictive. So they're like, you're going to come in and take whatever you need. I think another big sign that it might not be healthy is when they scoop the ice cream into it. Yes, yes. When you say, I'd like an orange. And it's like, what healthy is when they scoop the ice cream into it. Yes, yes.

When you say, I'd like an orange, and it's like, what? That's a lot of ice cream in there. I noticed last time I was there. And when you get one called the, oh, I'm sorry. Oh, they have non-ice cream ones now. I'm wondering if those are actually anything. No, they do have some that are now just juice, and those taste horrible. The ice cream is the secret. The ice cream is the secret.

The ice cream is, yes. I mean, that was the revolution that Jamba Juice brought to the smoothie industry. I mean, I'm a San Francisco native. I was no stranger to smoothie bars before Jamba Juice took over America. But what Jamba Juice did is they took out the banana and put in scoops of ice cream. Yeah. And so I would – and so I think also my other problem with Jamba Juice is the one I was getting, which is – Is it a particular flavor?

Yeah, it was a particular flavor, which maybe it's my fault for thinking it might be healthy, but it was the chocolate mood. Oh, you know, I would – I assumed I was buying it inside of a Jamba Juice. You bought it for racial slash political reasons. Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was reading one of those, just like in the airport bookstore, I was reading one of those eat this, not that books. Uh-huh.

And that's, you know, it goes through like popular restaurants that are everywhere and gives you the worst option and then gives you like, you know, a healthier alternative. It specifically mentions that particular Jamba Juice drink. It's one of the worst fast food things of any category. Let me ask you this. When you go into the Jamba Juice and you're inside a Jamba Juice, but you're ordering the Chocolate Mood, would you say that's a perfect 21st century expression of W.E.B. Du Bois' double consciousness?

Yes. I would say yes. To be in a Jamba Juice ordering a Chocolate Mood. A Chocolate Mood, yes. A large Chocolate Mood. Yes. I would say yes. To be in a Jamba Juice ordering a chocolate mood. A chocolate mood, yes. A large chocolate mood. Yes. But yeah, I think WB Boys was specifically thinking about Jamba Juice.

With his future brain. Jordan, you're always on the road, so you're always in places where you don't know what the restaurant is, and you're in an airport where there's only three choices, and you to eat something are there things that you indulge in oh let's think um but but but but uh i mean um on the topic of dew tour uh the um they must have mountain dew everywhere yeah okay here's the thing do tour always in Dew tour, always in a hot place, or at least a place that's hot the time of the year that I'm there. The kind of place that has a lot of emptied out swimming pools for people to practice their dew tour skills in. Sure, sure.

So yeah, it's always hot. It's always a long day outdoors. Water, a little tough to find. Mountain dew, not tough to find. Oh, and if you want a Code Red If you want a If you want a Gamer Fuel I love that Mountain Dew made

Now they name their drinks Things that don't even sound like drinks Right, yeah, it's not even like Tropical Getaway It's just like Chemical Explosion Rage Electric Rage.

Electric rage. Face rape. Yeah, and from the name, you can't tell what it's going to taste like. Yeah, no, I know. Oh, it's called... Yeah, what does Code Red imply? Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. An emergency. It's raspberry flavored.

Sure. It tastes like gooseberries. Raspberry is the fruit of emergency. Sure, yeah. Wait, is there really something called Mountain Dew gamer fuel? There is. I don't know if it is still. Okay, a big thing.

I've learned a lot about Mountain Dew over the past few years. Since you've been in the Dew business. Sure. Since you've been doing it. Yes, I am in a Dew-based industry. They deal a lot in limited editions. They'll have something that will be available for a limited time. And it seems like there is a lot of, like, there's, like,

you know how there's guys, like, Asian guys who will line up for sneakers? Yeah, sure. Who, like, camp out for sneakers? Sure. Like, Mountain Dew, I think, has a soda-like equivalent of that. Really? Yes. Like people who will stock up on something.

The new Dew is out. The new Dew is out. Yeah, right. Hey, you got those Dew 3s. Those are ill. Sure. So I don't know if they have gamer fuel anymore, but it had World of Warcraft-themed flavors.

Well, because they realized that a lot of – because Mountain Dew has always been known to have the most caffeine and yeah yeah most sugar and so they realized it was that thing where they accidentally realized wait a minute I think video game people are drinking this yeah to stay up to play World of Warcraft so no one let's market it straight at them yeah right exactly let's pay not let's pander yes pander away I don't mean to insult World of Warcraft no why would you it's pander away i don't mean to insult world of warcraft no why would you it's nothing ridiculous about it um but isn't that like a sort of questionable thing for an extreme brand to associate itself with has the has youth has young male culture collapsed in on itself so much that world of warcraft is the same as wakeboarding? Yeah. You know, that's a great question,

and I think that's absolutely, because I feel like, you know, maybe when we were growing up, the kids who liked the Dew Tour, or Dew Tour-like things, would be the kids who thought that the, you know, World of Warcraft, Dungeons & Dragons, Final Fantasy set were gay.

Yeah. Or queer. Or queer. Excuse me, I'm sorry. Siss gay. Yeah. Or queer. Or queer. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Sissies. Yes. I think that is not really a thing anymore.

I think within the older element of the Dew Tour crowd, the knuckle tattoos. Sure. That is still a thing. It's still guys like that one scary punk rock guy that came over to my house that one time sure uh exactly like duane peters um but yes i think now teenagers just play video games and i don't think it's associated with nerdiness per se you can wakeboard on the video game yeah yeah yeah their relationship to skateboarding is mediated through tony hawk

in the same way that my relationship toward reading a zone defense is mediated through john madden football yeah yeah so yeah i think and if someone has teenaged kids i might like to hear some clarification on this but i think that now video games someone is if there's anyone in the world out there find there who has a teenage child. I know it's, yeah. Maybe you know someone, maybe you're a friend. Maybe we should be more specific about our terms. By teenage, we mean between the ages of 13 and 19.

Okay, good, good. Ah, hell, we might as well ask for the Loch Ness Monster while we're at it. Nelly, give us a call. 206-984-4FUN is the number. Sure. But I think video games are not necessarily nerdy, whereas maybe when we were growing up, it was automatically something that was a little embarrassing. It was automatically like a nerd thing. Yeah. Well, no. And I think that happened through the – like, Madden is a great example of like –

Yeah, yeah. Once video games, it wasn't just like you were killing aliens or like the old school video games were like lemonade stand, you know? Yeah, yeah. When it was like actually like, wait, I'm doing dude things. Wait a minute. Are you saying that lemonade is nerdy? Are you insulting lemonade? Do you realize that you're talking to the king of the fruits? I was trying to get that in without

having to call you directly. Jesse, about that nickname. Not to be. I just want to. Before you print up the t-shirts. I have one consideration. We'll be back in just a second with more on Jordan Jesse Go.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. W. Kamau Bell having stepped out of the room. We take a moment to record a few brief announcements. Mm-hmm. Number one, the Sound of Young America coming live to New York City, the WNYC Jerome L. Green Performance Space on October 22nd.

We just booked our first guest, Jordan. Hmm. Is this something that's public knowledge at this point, or are you going to give hints i'm not going to tell you the name of this guest i will say that it was that this person was my number one choice okay i will also say that this person is no stranger to the maximum fun world of podcasts and she he or she is as sweet as candy oh godzilla and her brother is david sedaris it's a secret though it is it's we haven't announced it yet i already spoiled it it's these all point to godzilla it's it's mothra you're very close it's mothra um

that's coming up octobernd in New York City. So mark your calendars. We haven't put tickets on sale yet. Sort of up to them to put tickets on sale. We'll announce it as soon as we've got a more full picture of the lineup. We're scrambling to book guests as we speak. Also, we have a special birthday message. September 28th is the birthday of Vonna in Sydney, Australia.

And Vonna's friend Emma would like to wish her happy birthday and to say thank you, not just for helping her through a tough time this year, but for being a great all-around friend for the past 14-plus years. Oh. Isn't that nice? australians i know well let's give them the the typical australian birthday greeting may the kookaburra not rest by your billabong um you know not all australians are tax evaders no you may get that only paul hogan you may get that picture because crocodile dundee

is on house arrest at his dead mother's house in australia right now or something like that um did we talk about paul hogan last week i think we i mean i've definitely had an extended paul hogan conversation sometime last week it might have been on the podcast it might have been just casually i'm just going to mention it just in case anybody didn't listen last week paul hogan's argument seems to be that he doesn't have the money and that's why he shouldn't have to go to just casually. I'm just going to mention it just in case anybody didn't listen last week. Paul Hogan's argument seems to be that he doesn't have the money and that's why he shouldn't

have to go to jail for tax evasion. He seems to think not just that that's like it's not like a last minute thing. He seems to think that's a reasonable argument. Yeah.

That's what's going on in the head of Crocodile Dundee. Anyway, speaking of broad ethnic stereotypes of an entire nation, happy 27th birthday, Tavana. If you want to put a message on a Jordan Jesse Go program, we keep it cheap.

We've got a big audience, but we're keeping it cheap because it's for the people. There's no adamandeve.com bullshit. It's for the people. Though if anyone from adamandeve.com is listening, we want your money. Sure. But until then, fuck them. Send an email to our development director, Teresa Thorne, at teresaatmaximumfund.org. It's only $100 for a personal message or $150 for a business message.

It's very affordable no matter what the occasion may be, whether it's the launch of tweetboner.biz or the birthday of a friendly Australian woman. Teresa at MaximumFun.org, T-H-E-R-E-S-A. We'll be back in just a second with more of Jordan Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you

Love you, love you, love you It's Jordan Jesse Gorm, Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Bowling Detective. Debbie Kamau Bell, Roseanne Cash. I just read her name over there. You just read the name on a book. It's on my bookshelf. I was just trying.

I should have gone with Anthony Bourdain. Yeah. He is cooler. Although she's cool. Have you guys ever watched the Anthony Bourdain show on television? I love the Anthony Bourdain show. I like the Anthony Bourdain show, too. I just, for one thing, I think Anthony Bourdain really is a great television personality.

That's right, yeah. Anthony Bourdain really is a great television personality. It's really nice to have someone on television that doesn't seem that interested in bullshit and aspires to be at least somewhat highbrow. So that's my very sincere compliment of Anthony Bourdain.

But... But... I think Anthony Bourdain seems like a really cool, interesting guy. I enjoy the television show, which is more than can be said of basically any other unscripted television show besides the Antiques Roadshow. Or Cakepots. You gotta watch Pawn Stars. I've watched Pawn Stars. Okay, well...

The guy on Pawn Stars is a similar... Let's talk about Pawn Stars for a second. Have you seen Pawn Stars. Okay, well, I'm a fan. The guy on Pawn Stars is a similar... Let's talk about Pawn Stars for a second. Have you seen Pawn Stars, Jordan? I have not. It's been hanging around the Netflix on-demand world. I consider it sometimes, but it never happens. Especially if you watch like two or two in a row, it'll start to...

It's like a great jazz album. You have to really listen to it. Okay, sure. This is what Pawn Stars is. It's the antiques roadshow is the is the core yes it's someone bringing something into this pawn shop in las vegas and the main guy is seems like a really bright he's like he comes across really well on television i think yeah yeah i'm the sort of the star of the show and he sort of will like talk a little bit about the history connected to something

and then give it a value and they decide whether or not to sell it to him or pawn it to him and the problem really with the program and i this is like right up my alley right because sincerely like the antiques road show is pretty much my favorite television show um certainly my favorite unscripted television show i love it i love stuff like my mom's kind of an antiques deal like it's sort of in my family like i'm into it and so this is sort of the show that would be right up my alley although matt belknap told me i should be watching something called pickers or some guys american pickers american pickers um but uh that's not on netflix on demand so it's not in the cards and so basically this is what happens on this show one thing happens and then they cut to somebody saying directly into the camera exactly what just happened and then they put a graphic on the

screen that says this just happened and they tell you every there's only like any reality television show only one thing happens in each episode but they tell you about it 75 times in a row like they'll just be like if there's some like drama in it like there's a little bit of that monster garage element where like the grandpa is angry at the son and they're angry at the lady or whatever and they'll just tell it to you like their idea of dramatic development of a of an idea in the narrative of this narrative show is that they'll just be like, they'll just show like somebody being like, Grandpa's angry at Bill. And then Grandpa will be like, I'm angry at Bill. And then it'll show Bill and then it'll just say, Grandpa's angry at him in a super graphic. They'll just do that for 20 minutes and call it a television show.

In a super graphic. They'll just do that for 20 minutes and call it a television show. While people come in and bring their random bits of crap from their closets to pawn in the pawn shop. Which is the part of it I appreciate the fact that he's clearly ripping people off. People walk in here, even with things that are nice. I have a part of the Apollo 13 landing craft that was given to me, and it's signed by all the astronauts. And he's like, I'll give you $40. Like, I was hoping for $40,000.

He's like, I don't know, $35,000? Yeah. Okay, okay, I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. And people always walk out having been completely ripped off. Yeah. So with Anthony Bourdain, to his credit, he doesn't just say what's happening over and over and over which is really rare and i think that is the

thing about reality television that i makes it so that i can't watch it more than anything else it's just that that the worst exposition in the world just being repeated over and over and nothing happening that part of it um but anthony bourdain doesn't do that. He goes around and does different stuff. But number one, Anthony Bourdain is not cool. I mean, I don't mean to be... I think he would argue with you. He's like... I mean, he's pretty cool for a 50-year-old.

He talks about the Ramones a lot, doesn't he? A lot. A lot. He probably met John Spencer Blues Explosion when he asked them to record his theme music or whatever. Like, he's cool for a 50-year-old, but I'd rather not him be doing stuff that seems clearly, specifically oriented

towards demonstrating to me that he's cool when he's not that good at it, when he's wearing like a black leather car coat. You know what I mean? When he's wearing like a black leather car coat you know what i mean when he's going to get tattoos when he's you know yeah that's the one thing that i get a lot of tattoos on the show i've seen a show where he had a tattoo okay i don't know if it happens every week and the other thing that i'm not sure about it and again these are things that it's like i don't want to put it on him personally because i don't actually think that it's him personally i

think it's something about making this kind of show and that he's actually been remarkable in how resistant to this kind of shit he's been but uh the other thing about it is that he will try and find meaning in anything and he is so unashamed to be just absurdly purple in the writing of this program. Like anything that happens on this show has so much deep symbolic meaning to him. And it's so like, it's so shallow, that symbolic meaning. Well,

and I would say, I think it's funny. I think there's, have you, do you ever watch Andrew Zimmerman's Bizarre Foods? No, I haven't seen it. Like, to me, they're like sort of like, they're on the same channel. They're basically the same exact show.

The same setup. The same setup. It's a guy going around eating something weird. And eating weird things. Except Zimmerman's show, there's no meaning at all. Right. Like, it's a half hour of him going like, that's disgusting. Like, that's not so disgusting.

It's exactly what it is, and I can't stand it. Have you guys seen Man vs. Food? I have seen Man vs. Food. I kind of like Man vs. Food. I keep finding, how do you get qualified to be the host of that show? That's what I want to know, because he's not really funny. He says in the intro, he's like, I've worked in every aspect of the restaurant business, and that's it. He says that when he introduces it.

Okay. Yeah, because I Googled him. I'm like, he doesn't – there's nothing – he wasn't like a competitive eater. Right, yeah, yeah. He's not like a – he's not like one of those things where he's a comic and they just thought they'd throw him in. I'm like, who – I feel like one of the producers must have just known him and be like, that dude eats a lot. But here's the thing. It's not like he used to host Double Dare, is what we're talking about.

Here's the thing about him that I was thinking about. Is that he's like a big guy, but he's not depressingly fat. Like, that show could be depressing. Real easy. Here's just a 20-minute trip through America's, the worst parts of America.

It could be brought to you by the producers of Hoarders. Yeah, sure. He's got that gel in his hair, which gives him a nice, clean, vertical line. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, he's like a big, stocky bro, but he's not so fat that, know you fear for his health like he seems at least healthy so like he's like that's the qualification someone you will we want to show where someone's doing something awful yeah but we want some kind of visual representation of the fact that it's going to be okay yeah yeah for sure and i think don't worry about oh i guess for people who haven't

seen the premise of man versus food is this this guy goes around and, you know, like the food challenges that are always like the local hotspot. Like if you eat this, you win a t-shirt. Yeah, yeah. You know, eight-pound burritos, stuff like that. He will find these things and learn about them and then eat them. Anyway, but yeah, I think that's the thing that makes it okay i feel like they're missing the whole the thing i like that show but i feel like there's a whole second half hour of the show of what the next day of his life is like after the food chat

yeah you should be able to see he should he should film the shit in the toilet i just feel like there's like they're not showing us the like the next the next two or three days of like oh jesus maybe that could be a web extra that i would see the shit log on to travel channel.com the web slash man v food because he always ends like oh that was pretty good but like you haven't really experienced we don't know what's gonna happen yeah you want to see him fall apart i want to see him physically and emotionally because there's clearly i want to know how there's clearly probably a week between episodes where he has just like you want to watch this you want to watch the spikes's clearly probably A week between episodes Where he has to just like I'll be alright You want to watch

You want to watch The spikes in his hair Wilt Exactly Over the course of 24 hours My least favorite moment I don't know if it's Least favorite

But anyway They did a San Francisco episode And I was like Oh let's see Where are they going to go In San Francisco Because I don't know that It's a restaurant city

It's not known as like a Eat the huge steak city And get a t-shirt So I'm like Where are you going to go It's not the Texas State Fair No no no I don't know if you've ever heard about the texas state fair a good way to hear about it is to listen to any npr program or any other news outlet during the texas state fair god we get it they batter things and fry them at the state fair we figured that out 15 years ago

news media they're still doing it. Anyway, sorry. No, so I'm like, where's the food challenge in San Francisco? And he goes to some place called the San Francisco Creamery, which I was like, oh, I've never heard of that. I'll write this down. Might not be an ice cream shop. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, San Francisco Creamery. Was it a branch of the Power Exchange?

It wasn't a basement. It was dark. This is just a hole in a men's restroom. There wasn't as much flavor as you'd hope. I was like, no, I haven't heard of this place.

And he goes, just across the bridge in Walnut Creek is the San Francisco Creamery. So in the San Francisco episode, he doesn't really spend that much time in San Francisco. He goes to Walnut Creek.

Which I thought was like, which would be like, just we're doing the L.A. thing in Riverside. Yeah. It's like an hour. Like it's like a – it's not just – I saw something wonderful. Somebody sent me this on the internet because a couple weeks ago. Hold on. Before we – actually, before we divert, what did he eat at the San Francisco Creamery that was not in San Francisco? It was –

It was Jizz. Ah, Jizz. Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry. I was trying to avoid that was not in San Francisco. It was... It was Jizz. Ah, Jizz. Yeah. Okay, I'm sorry. I was trying to avoid that. Okay. All right. Was that all he did?

He did some shit in Walnut Creek? Yeah, he ate in... He went to a lot of restaurants in San Francisco, but the challenge was in Walnut Creek. And I thought it was funny because I'm like... He's like,

we're here in the heart of San Francisco. San Luis Obispo. Which I thought was funny because I'm like, even people in Walnut Creek don't want to be called San Francisco. You've insulted two huge cities based on that one thing. We're here in San Francisco, Walnut Creek.

That's far enough away from San Francisco that they feel like by being associated with San Francisco, you're calling them gay. Yes, exactly. That is that far enough away. It's far enough away that they don't go there either. It's like going to Paris. Like, you want to go to San Francisco? Not this year. This week on the San Francisco episode, we're in Wairika.

Wairika, California. A couple weeks ago on the show, we were talking about how I like the show. My favorite reality television show is, what's that thing called? Les Stroud, Survivor Man. Sure. And I like it because he fails. He mostly fails and they show it it's just it's sort of sad it's a little sad but it's it's admirable because he's really

going for it even though he's not that great at it and um and he's sort of does the stuff so whoever was with us i don't remember who we were talking with about this but was talking about bear grills yes which apparently is the real name of the competitive show with this. Yeah, that show went through a big scandal a couple years ago. Okay, so someone sent me this video. Because he wasn't actually surviving? Yes, for that exact reason. The video that they sent me, and this may be old news to fans of internet videos

or followers of Bear Grylls-related scandals. Bear Grylls, by the way, really sounds like a third-tier, no-limit rapper. That's Silk the Shocker's cousin. Or, again, a branch of the Power Exchange. So this video's amazing. It's the guy, and the guy's very handsome. You can see why he's on television. He's very handsome, very fit.

And he's talking about how dangerous it is to cross these chasms in Hawaii, these vast chasms across these bridges and it shows him sort of like gingerly tiptoeing across this vast chasm right and then it cuts to uh homemade footage of the same chasm and the guy and a guy who just kind of walks across it normally and then it pans to the left and literally 15 feet to the left the chasm ends and then as it pans another 15 feet to the left there's the freeway yeah no he was yay that was old well i mean watching that show back in the day because because Survivorman, he's literally by himself, and he has to set up the camera to tell you what he's doing.

He's got to fucking eat termites and shit, not because he wants to teach you how to eat termites, because he's fucking hungry because he's so bad at hunting. Because he's brought no food, and he's also carrying like 60 pounds of camera equipment on him. Yeah, that. Whereas Bear Grylls, you're like, wait a minute. If you're surviving, there's a cameraman with you. How is he doing? Isn't he more impressive because he's holding a camera?

All Les Stroud really gets is he gets that bandana to cover up his growing baldness. Yes. And it's clearly a classic example of like, Bear Grylls is just better looking and has a better name. Okay. Well, we'll have more when we come back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

W. Kamau Bell, William Gibson of comedy. Okay. He imagines the future And places it in the present Yes That's Oh I think I'm going to use that From now on No

Okay Then on the press release Yeah Oh I am an honorary satirista As I look at that book Oh are you really? Because I performed On the live show in New York

So I'm a I'm a satirista live Oh If there's a book two I've been told We should do Next time we do Jordan Jesse Go

instead of talking about various topics that we've brought to the table we should just have Kamau name different books on my book show I have stories

I have things to say about a lot of those books Nick Hornsby I'm a big fan of him he's such a good guy he's our official namer he helps us name stuff on Jordan Jesse Go

really yeah Nick Hornby the greatest he's the greatest he is the greatest I heard his new record with Ben Folds I heard the single from it stuff on Jordan Jesse Go. Really? Yeah, Nick Hornby, the greatest. He's the greatest. He is the greatest. I heard his new record with Ben Folds. I heard the single from it. It's really lovely. I thought it was really good.

I was worried that I would hate it. The thing is that he wrote the lyrics and Ben Folds writes the music? Yeah, and then he also does a little bit of sort of recitation. Okay. There's like a recitation element and then Ben Folds singing also. Great. It's more Ben recitation element and then Ben Fold singing also. Oh, great.

It's more Ben Fold singing, but a little bit like, I think if I remember from college correctly, like the Ben Fold's William Shatner album had Not Singing Singing on it. Sure.

That was surprisingly good. You're sort of like, oh, yeah, I kind of buy into this. I didn't really expect to buy into this. It has some of that on it. Good.

I thought it was really lovely. So you're understanding that this is a total, that I've made the show better by reading the books off your show. Sure. Okay.

We'll talk, actually, we can talk about Sag Harbor by Colson Whitehead, which is, Colson Whitehead took credit for it, but it was actually written by Martha Stewart and Vernon Reed. That's true.

That's true. Together. Little known fact. Okay, let's go to the telephones. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't have a track list for these telephone calls. I did not screen these telephone calls. Julia, our associate producer on The Sound of Young America, screened them because our

intern was out today. And look, I had a meeting with the Apple Corporation. Yeah, yeah. And you had fruit picking. I had a fruit picking basket to buy for $9.99 at the Goodwill. I had an audition for an All-Tel commercial, so I don't think anyone can brag about their day, because mine was better. Kamau has

a showcase show at the Comedy Central stage tonight. I will be performing for free tonight. So we've all got shit going on, I think. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Dan Henrick from Chicago. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I was staying in my apartment with my fiance, and there's a big German Fest party going on down the street, so we're hearing a lot of foot traffic outside of our apartment. girls walked past and one of them shouted,

okay, so the plan is we meet a bunch of cholos and we tell them we're 18. To which another one responded, yeah, but we only have two hours. So I looked at my clock and realized, yep, it's two hours from curfew. So that's a pretty magical moment. I just wanted to share it. I love the show.

Oh, yay. Wow. What a beautiful show. Oh, yay. Wow. What a beautiful moment in anyone's life. I insist that Dan call that into our sister podcast, Stop Podcasting Yourself. Yeah, that's more of a Stop Podcasting Yourself. Overheard. Oh, my gosh, that's amazing.

What a beautiful... If you thought Dan Henrich didn't bring enough joy to our lives through Jordan Jesse Game... And Penguin in the Pants. And Penguin in the Pants. just if you thought dan henrik didn't bring enough joy to our lives through jordan jesse game and penguin in the pants and penguin in the pants oh wow uh you know i uh i was in chicago recently and i hung out with dan henrik not knowing him that well we had met at max fun con but i'm gonna go out on a limb i need somebody to hang out with it was a delight seems like a delightful man oh he's play. He's the best. How could you work for Playboy?

Well, you could be. Yeah, I think maybe. Probably odds against. Yeah. Now thinking back, now that I've remembered what the content of Playboy is, even above and beyond the nudity, you're probably a dick. Surely not if you do the gear guide. The shitty Maxim.

Or the jokes. Yeah. Is Maxim the shitty Playboy or gear guide. The shitty Maxim. Or the jokes. Yeah. You write the jokes. Is Maxim the shitty Playboy or is Playboy the shitty Maxim? Well, Maxim is the shitty Playboy in that it doesn't have any boobs in it. Any naked boobs. Boobins. But yeah, yeah. And no aspirations of trying to be cultural in any way.

Yeah, but Playboy really has aped Maxim's content. Yes. In a really sad way. You really wish that they would just go back to writing articles about the best high fives. And really just about high fives, actually. 20 questions with Dave Brubeck. Norman Mailer. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Goh.

This is Dan Henrich from Chicago. Yep. I'm calling with a moment. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Goh. This is Avi from Oakland, and I have a momentous occasion. I was at the farmer's market this weekend enjoying my pretzel croissant, which, for the record, is better than the sum of its parts. And I noticed this, like, five-year-old kid near me was having a total conniption,

just freaking out, having a big old tantrum. And I kind of sidled a little closer to figure out what this kid is screaming about. And then it turns out that he's going crazy because his parents won't buy him fennel. He wants fennel.

He really wants fennel. He doesn't understand why they won't buy him fennel and they are freaking out trying to decide if they will

appease this child and actually buy him fennel. I wanted portabellos! That is not an uncommon conversation to hear in the Bay Area, about kids being like, why can't we have sushi? I've heard those conversations many times. When we get home, I want to do my Balinese mask work.

That is a very common occurrence. Fennel. I've already got this rain stick Hi there Jordan, Jesse and guests This is Darren calling from Gettysburg, Pennsylvania Just to clarify That's you, the guest When they say guest they're talking about you, W. Kamau Bell

I just think I got a new nickname I'm calling with an occasion that I think is momentous And I think Jesse will think is momentous But Jordan might find a bit traumatic, so you might want to stop listening. What about guests? I was out gardening and working in my yard, harvesting potatoes.

Prediction. He met Don Caveman Robinson, starting pitcher for the San Francisco Giants in the late 1980s. That's my prediction. It's not for sure. It could be Willie McGee. That's not a euphemism i was harvesting some potatoes and stumbled across a bunch of grass that had been pulled

up and put in a weird way and when i went to move it i found a bunch of baby rabbits we actually first thought they were mice but decided that they were too small for too big for mice rather and so after doing a little bit of internet research discovered that we have baby bunny rabbits approximately five or six days old from what photos online seem to be goodness uh we you know have tried to put the nest back in position and hope that the mother will come out and still continue to nurse but in particular we have a bunch of tiny little bunny rabbits that are both very adorable and a little creepy looking. And they might eat each other.

Just thought that you guys might be interested in that on my momentous occasion. I was so sure, and they were delicious. Here it comes. They were delicious. They weren't big enough to fillet, so we just made them into a soup. If the bones get soft enough, you can eat them whole. To be fair, I don't think that's horrifying. I just think it's boring.

To be fair. Jimmy and Walla Walla. One of my housemates brought home a newspaper from 1918 that they were, I guess, getting rid of at the library. There's some real gems in here. One article is headlined, Springdale Jersey Cow Gives Birth to Fawn. And the farmer is quoted several times saying that it is a deer in every particular.

There's also... Some of the particulars, none of the particulars are cow particulars. No. A comic by a guy named, it just says by writer, R-I-D-E-R, makes no sense and is very unfunny. If you want me to, I can take a picture of it and upload it to the forums. But yeah, got a newspaper from 1918. Momentification. See you later.

Bye. That's fun. Just a newspaper from 1918. Momentification. See you later. Bye. That's fun. This is a newspaper from 1918. I was so afraid that the comic was going to be like, and it's a black guy.

And he's stealing a watermelon. He's stealing a watermelon. And the last panel, he gets shot in the face. Yeah. It's political editorial cartooning.

Right. It's by an M. Stewart. Okay, next. Charles Schultz. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Goh. This is Ben calling from Omaha with a momentous occasion. This actually happened a week ago, and I know you guys prefer that I call it in as soon as possible, if not during, but I just put out to my attention that it should be a momentous occasion,

and I know it was now. if not during, but I just put out to my attention that it should be a momentous occasion, and I know it was now. A week ago was the anniversary of my best friend. He passed away about a year ago this time, and my friends and I decided to remember him by going to the Taco Bell and ordering one of everything in his honor. So we got literally one of every item on the menu. Grand total came to be over $80. He took it all over to his parents' house, ate it there,

still about three-quarters of it left over. And now it is all sitting in my other friend's refrigerator and freezer. Now it is all sitting in my other friend's refrigerator and freezer. And I think he's still progressing to put that in his body to this day. So I thought that was a pretty momentous occasion. Hope you guys do too. Thanks. Bye.

We got some of the context of that. We got that it was a tribute. Jordan, if you die, if you, God forbid forbid Sure Die prematurely Which I almost certainly will I swear That I will go to the Taco Bell Thank you And order one of everything For no reason

If I'm unable to eat it all I will freeze it And eat it later Sure If you die prematurely Jesse I am going to buy myself A Playstation 3 Just because I've been Wanting to get one and looking for an excuse.

No, it's what he would have wanted. Yeah, it's what he would have wanted. It plays Blu-rays. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's another good reason. Yeah, yeah. I would have wanted you to have high def home video. Thank you.

Thank you. And I know that about you, and it would be very important to me to... Guys, if either of you die prematurely, I'm going to jack off four times a week for the rest of my life. As I currently do. There we go. I'm going to continue it. Just because you would want me to continue it. You wouldn't want me to miss a day. Well, we've got one more telephone call here. Hey, Jordan

and Jesse Go. This is Tilly. I was just listening to some old podcasts. I heard a guy, a dishwasher, call in and say he was listening to Jordan Jesse Go on the job and the sidecast made him cry. Just want to let you guys know that I also listen to Jordan Jesse Go at work as of today because today is my first day at work. I am a student at Harvard, and I also clean bathrooms at Harvard.

And basically the great thing about this job is that you're just alone in somebody else's dorm room for an hour and you get to listen to podcasts. And also you're Matt Damon. Sure. That's the other great thing. She's lost her memory, but she's getting it back slightly and learning that she was a spy. Wait, at Harvard, somebody cleaned your bathroom? It's one of your peers, apparently.

A peer, a poor peer. Yeah. It's called the peerage system. That is horrible. Students clean other students' bathrooms? When you attend an Ivy League school, and I don't know where you went to college, but obviously Jordan and I went to one of the lesser-known Ivies, University of California, Santa Cruz. Yes.

When you attend an Ivy League school, you're... What we call a non-Ivy. Yes. You're ranked by social class. Yes. When you attend an Ivy League school, you're... What we call a non-Ivy. Yes. You're ranked by social class. Yes. And those on the low end are asked to demonstrate stuff that a poor person might do for the educational benefit of those on the higher end of the spectrum. It's sort of a multicultural, cultural exchange type situation.

cultural exchange type situation. So like a relatively rich student would say, demonstrate sculling, which is a type of boat racing. Yes. Whereas one of the relatively poor people might clean a bathroom for money. And then the sculling student goes, oh, all this time I thought bathrooms cleaned themselves.

We did this week get a donation or an entry, I should say, in the King of the Children contest. Now, we'll explain how this contest works for your benefit, Kamau, and for anyone who came in recently. We recently received a photograph or a drawing, I should say, of the Jordan, Jesse, Go! mythos of our world, the world that we've created, featuring Jordan and myself and various other recurring themes and characters. Much like the Duckiverse that was created for the Disney afternoon. Exactly. That included DuckTales and Darkwing Duck.

Can I interject something about Darkwing Duck? You may. I don't know if we've thanked Ian Brill. But Ian Brill, a good friend of this program who used to write the pod thoughts column for MaximumFun.org, the reviews of podcasts, works for a comic book company. They hold the license to Darkwing Duck. He got the job writing Darkwing Duck the comic book. And he wrote Chip Dipson and Dip Dobson into Darkwing Duck, the comic book.

Now they are officially part of the Duckiverse. So pick up episode issue one, if you can, of Darkwing Duck, or just start wherever you are. Thank you to Ian Brill for doing that. So in this contest, after we received that photograph, that picture, we realized we need to be in the children's picture business. They touch your heartstrings and your heartstrings.

Yes. Oh. But we understand that our program is not appropriate for children. They won't be able to distinguish, for example, between our anti-homophobic slurs and actual homophobic slurs. It's very complicated. It's a tricky web. You have to go in assuming that you know us pretty well and that we love gays.

Yes, we love gays. They won't be able to understand the ball parts, the parts where we're talking about balls. Sure. There's a lot of stuff that they... All the complicated euphemisms you've used today. Yeah, that they can't and shouldn't understand on our program. However, we really support creativity in young people,

and we think that's so vitally important. I mean, music programs in school, Will.i.am, Shakira. Will.i.am. Another child who needs to be supported. We just want to prevent plum molestations.i.am, Shakira. Will.i.am. Another child who needs to be supported. We just want to prevent plum molestations. Yeah. And so we've created what we call the King of the Children Contest.

Here's how it works. We ask those of you out there in the audience who have children to enter this contest by describing Jordan Jesse Go to your children. Wow. Not allowing them. Do not allow them to listen to it. It's not appropriate. But describe it to them and have them draw a picture of it. Then send it in to us.

You can send it in digitally. You can email it to us at jjgo at maximumfund.org or you can send it in in a mailing envelope. You can send it to our address, which is on the website, if you go down to the bottom and click about or contact. And so our goal is to get some representations from different children based on descriptions of the program. And the sort of secondary part of this is this is the King of the Children contest. And we will be crowning a King of the Children eventually.

However, we're really respectful of children's self-esteem. We don't want to put any children down. So we're willing to lie for you, but you have to give us heads up. So if your child sends in a picture, we will say that you can tell them, since they're not allowed to listen to the show, that they are the king of the children.

And as long as you give us a heads up, when we meet you and your child, we will address that child as king of the children. This is a really, you know, I think we will address that child as king of the children. This is a really, you know, this is a, I think we get to get this program in schools. It's complicated. So we got this entry from Lisa,

who is in, I'm looking at the return, in Salem, Massachusetts. She said, my two girls wanted to enter the king of the children contest as soon as they heard about it. What child wouldn't? Of course, I didn't let them listen to the show. Thank God. But I did show them our photos via a Google search, which is good,

especially because if you Google search Jordan's name, the main one that comes up is the one time that we did Jordan paper dolls, and so we took a picture of Jordan in his underpants. Every job I've applied for after that fact has probably seen that picture. Yeah. So Fiona is eight years old, and Niamh, which is spelled N-I-A-M-H,

it's an Irish name apparently, is 12 but will be 13 soon, which is the cutoff. Once she turns 13, she's no longer eligible. Just under the wire. But she does like to draw, and so

Lisa says she had them both submit something, and thanks. She's a donor. Thank you for donating. Hopefully everyone out there is a donor. We've got one. This is going to be... Oh, this is Fiona's. This is very accomplished for a drawing by an eight year old. She's got a, she's got a picture of Coco and it's a better drug than I can draw.

Remember when some of them. It's a very good dog. It has a, there's like perspective on the legs. You can tell that one leg is in front of the other. A couple of those Max FunCon attendees at Max FunCon were going around getting, uh, getting people to draw either a dog or a dick in a notebook. I chose to draw a dog because I'm no vulgarian.

Everybody knows that. And this is much better than the dog that I drew. We should describe this as pencil on paper. Classic. I would say that I look a little bit like me and a little bit like Emo Phillips and a little bit like

Mr. Peanut. You're standing in front of a microphone. That's for my stand-up comedy. You have very high-waisted pants. Extremely high-waisted. A little bit blousey at the hips, too. A little blousey at the hips. Looks a little bit like something Blossom might wear. Sure.

I'm holding something there. I don't know what I'm holding. I'm guessing it must be a microphone although it could also be a very small tennis racket or a pork chop yeah um or he's carrying one of those around with me it is it's a pork chop you're right it's a pork chop now this i am impressed at this drawing for an eight-year-old fiona is the new king of the children yes okay look at this thing. I can't believe a 12-year-old drew this. It features a depiction of...

This is a spectacular picture. Now, we'll scan these and put them on the internet. The only thing I don't like is that Coco just took a duty. Yeah. How do you know that's Coco's duty? Could be the dog that was always pooping in my hallway in the old apartment. Oh, might be. Jordan, you're looking through a magic ring of some kind.

Sure. I guess we both are, but mine is more pronounced anyway, that we're drawn in the anime style. Yes, yes. Yeah. And I believe that Speed Racer in the background, is that... That's our logo, the Jordan Jesse Go Race Car. Oh, nice. And there's a broadcast tower in the back.

I'm looking at a bunny calendar and talking on a headset microphone. A little bit like Madonna, which I think is fair. I'm a Madonna-like figure. You're looking through either a magic ring or possibly it could be... Oh, boy detective, it might be a magnifying glass. Yeah, but there's some interesting perspective going on.

These are spectacular. Sounds like we've got two new kings of the children. A tie. It was a tie. Because one of them is about to turn 13 and thus no longer going to be a child, going to become a teen. It's time for her to learn disappointment. Frankly, it's already a tween.

I'm going to go with the younger daughter, Fiona, because this is a better picture that I can draw in Fiona's 8. So thank you, Lisa, for entering your daughters in our horrible contest. I hope that those of you out there with children will send in some pictures.

I know there are children. What about that nice guy we met in Seattle? He brought his kids to meet us. Sure. They were drawing pictures based on Jordan Jesse Go t-shirts. Let's go.

Get it going. Yeah. The address to send them in to if you want to send in a hard copy is 1553 Silverwood Terrace, Los Angeles, California 90026. You can rewind and listen to that again. I'm not going to say it again. Or you can just email it to us at jjgo at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore's boy detective. W. Kamau Bell, guest. Oh, it's great to have you here, Kamau. It was a good time. It has been a joy to have you here. Yeah, thank you. A delight to have you here.

It's been an honor to have been not sounding in America, and now Jordan, Jesse, go. Yeah. To Pete. If you want to listen to some of Kamau's great comedy, some of the stuff from his very funny new CD called Face Full of Flower, you can find it on The Sound of Young America. It's just two or three months ago that Kamau was on that program.

Yes. If you live in the Bay Area, you can see Kamau hosting his monthly program, the W. Kamau Bell Curve. Yes, and you can also, I will be in New York at UCB, New York on October 21st. Boom. Boom. Big time. And Kamau, of course, is all over the country performing his stand-up comedies, you know,

on the Comedy Centrals and whatnot, all that good stuff. And, of course, your new podcast with Bad Brains. Oh, Bad Brains. Oh. Yeah. Every black rock band looks alike, huh? Yeah. Are you hosting a podcast with 70s metal group Death?

Yes, I am. And Mandrill. Yeah. And Pure Hell. And yes, every black rocker. Don't you host a podcast with Chuck Berry? Every black guy who plays guitar gets to do a podcast with me is how it all works out. I just want to mention for those people who are in Los Angeles, the second annual, it's

not really annual, it's not really annual it's every six months or so uh laugh night presented by the sound of young america at art chair is coming up on thursday night september 30th um it features we've already got booked it will probably have even more than this uh dana gould the walsh brothers maria bamford and chris fairbanks uh jordan jesse go favorite chrisbanks, will all be performing stand-up comedy sets in a taping for The Sound of Young America. So those of you out there in podcast land can look forward to hearing them in the coming months. And those of you who are here in the Los Angeles area

can look forward to buying some tickets and coming out to the show. The tickets benefit this great organization called Art Share here in Los Angeles that does arts classes of all different kinds for underprivileged youth, especially in downtown LA, where there are, downtown in East LA, where there are plenty of kids who could use a great arts class. It's a really wonderful outfit. And yeah, so it's going

to be a great, it's going to be a great show. Visit MaximumFun.org for ticket and reservation information. Usually the tickets are pretty cheap, so there's no excuse not to come. And hey, guess what? I'm on this television program called The Grid on IFC. It airs Thursday nights at 7.30. But check your local listings because it may change. It's only

a 15-minute show, and you can find it on IFC.com. And it's really cool and fun. I think that's it right boom done what a great show thanks come out thanks everybody we'll see you next time on jordan jesse go