Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 148: Santa Cruz Holiday with Matt Besser

Episode Date: October 14, 2010

Matt Besser of the Upright Citizens Brigade joins Jesse and Jordan to discuss celebrating 4/20 in Santa Cruz, restaurant staff etiquette, inappropriate jokes and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, pringle, lovin', pringle, Jesse, go.

We talked to Matt Besser about, among other things, educating Mr. Kanye West. You'll have to wait a while for it, though. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Very special guest joining us for a very special evening recording of Jordan Jesse Goh. Sure. From the Upright Citizens Brigade and, of course, the related Upright Citizens Brigade outfits, such as your Upright Citizens Brigade theaters, your Upright Citizens Brigade merchandising programs. Their weekend getaways for young people. Sure, their cola. Right.

Matt Besser, welcome to the show, Matt. Jordan, Jesse, go. Could be a Devo song or a Kraftwerk song. Hey, you're sitting in a chair that Mark Mothersbaugh sat in just a few months ago. I heard that episode.

I was very entertained by that episode. I'm a huge, huge Devo fan from way back. Those guys are kind of cool guys, right? Oh, my God. So cool. I mean, they changed my life in a lot of ways how did you okay so tell me how devo changed your life well if you think about ucb is very devo-ish like wearing the same uniform and that kind of embrace authority to thwart authority kind of thing i mean we're

that whole thing i mean de-evolution all that stuff also your dance rock hits right that's where it that's where it stops but uh yeah i mean when i first i i'm from little rock arkansas and you know when i was a teen everything's on vinyl there's no internet so when you get something like whoa slow. Whoa, slow down, Grandpa. But you know what I mean. You had to actually, you literally had to go to San Francisco, where you're from or wherever, New York. The very few places that had cool records. You would go on vacation with your parents and go to that record store. And Devo, you look at that record and you don't know what the hell it is

but you're like I'm getting this man monkeys in space and wearing weird goggles and when I heard them explain all that stuff it's so coherent they have like a whole system they have a monkeys in space

system that they created a whole ring. But what's the, maybe there was some channel out here. It was some California channel. It was your guys MTV. Do you know what I'm talking about? And it had, it was probably when you were a really little kid. Well, I know in the Bay Area we had something called California Music Channel, CMC. Was that it?

I think it was a Bay Area-specific thing. Uh-huh. There was some national show that was on where the first time people saw the B-52s and Oingo Boingo and that whole new wave scene and Devo and, like, the Whip It video was just blew people's minds. There's something really appealing to me

about the idea of a band that also has, like like a superstructure. Like they've got a whole system of stuff that goes along with the band. Oh yeah. I pulled out the, you know, the insert and the record and it had all that devolution stuff. And I was like,

Oh, I'm behind on this because I don't understand. I don't understand any of this. Like I thought there was a whole thing going on. Then you realize, Oh, everyone didn't understand what the hell they were talking about. understanding this like i thought there was a whole thing going on then you realize oh there everyone didn't understand what the hell they were talking about when i was in high school at school of the arts in san francisco we had this class called intro to the arts which was like so

at the arts high school you spend your afternoon doing one particular art discipline and then but you have you have to take this class intro to the arts where you do various different arts so like i was in theater but i had to do you know we had to do some painting and some etc etc etc you had to bang out one iana two iana three and four iana then you had to write a softcore porno movie well we did have to write a um we had to do an opera so like the it's a year-long class and at the end of it the last two or three months you split into groups of you know 10 or 12 or something like that and you make a operetta and there was this part in the class from scratch or from scratch yeah you write the write the music because there's like music because it's an arts high school so there's like musicians

there there's people to paint sets there's actors etc and everybody's dancing on taxis exactly it's basically the whole the whole nine yards there's people getting raped at auditions um what is that from no that's when coco coco goes out to try to be a professional and the guy says all right take your top off so you know picture this. We've all got our tops off. But there was this thing where because we had to write it ourselves, we had to pitch ideas for what the operetta would be. So everyone had to go up in front of the class and pitch what their idea was for what the operetta would be. And everyone... Given the year, was there a lot of ideas yeah what year is this we're talking about 1997 i'm gonna say 1997 so maybe like a lot of cobain's death it's gonna say a lot of a lot of

ideas about what in sync was really really like. Oh, my God. Like behind the scenes. There's this one girl that pitched something about Elvis Stoico. Elvis the Pelvis Stoico, the famous ice dancer. Yeah, sexual ice dancer. She was also the girl who did the monologue from Double Dragon, the movie, which I believe we have discussed on this very program. At length.

Pretty cool how there was a Double Dragon movie, though, huh? So they split the class into two to do this. There were two winners, and one of them was this girl, Jennifer Tananga. She pitched a thing where it's a bunch of people stuck in an elevator together. You mean she anticipated the movie Devil? Yeah.

Like 12 years before it actually got released? She's a modern-day Nostradamus, Jesse. We should call her up and ask her what other ideas she had in high school. And I was a very poor student. You'll be surprised to learn. And so I was like, oh i i hadn't done the assignment so like oh i know what will be a funny thing to pitch i'll pitch a musical based on the cosmological narrative of parliament funkadelic like the parliament albums have this sort of like story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I accidentally won.

No way. Because there was all these guys that were sort of like stoner hip hop guys that were in the band. You know, they were like the horn players in the band that, you know, they were like also in a salsa band and like a hip hop band and, you know, rap guys and stuff. And they thought it would be hilarious to do this. And they had a lot of extra wigs right and so i played dr funkenstein um and i the only thing i remember is this guy braz wrote me a rap uh to rap and uh there was a part where i said uh bend over for your injection of the super outer space funk erection. Nice.

I, I, every time I, every time you, every time you tell, every time you tell a high school story I relate to you less and less. I just think, who are you? Well, who does this happen to? We went to UC Santa Cruz. Look, Matt Besser is here. He's got this, he did this show. He went to Santa Cruz to do Look, Matt Besser is here. He's got this show. He went

to Santa Cruz to do the show. He sought out the place where... I didn't know that. Yeah, we're both... In fact, the first time we ever met you, not in person, but on the telephone, you were one of the very first guests on The Sound of Young America.

In fact, I think I emailed you at the like upright citizens dot net email address or something like a dare at upright citizen i don't remember which one which nickname was that your a dare okay so a dare at upright citizens brigade dot net or something dot org dot upright citizens dot org is that You were nice enough to come on the show. I bet it still is there, actually. That was when we were... What?

Matt was really one of the first five or ten, right? Yeah, absolutely. We didn't come on live. It was over the phone. It was over the phone. Why would you be in Santa Cruz, Matt? I don't know. It's something weed-related.

He might have come up for something weed-related, right? He might have come up. We did make an L.A. trip. I guess we wouldn't It's something weed related. He might have come up for something weed related, right? He might have come up. We did make an LA trip. I guess we wouldn't have gone that far out. Yeah. Well, you would want to because you get in front of a lot of producers in Santa Cruz. Sure. A lot of hot producers.

A lot of producers of free mumia benefits. A lot of producers of world music festivals. A lot of movers and shakers. A lot of producers of world music festivals. A lot of movers and shakers. A lot of producers of body odor. Sure. We'll be back in just a second with more on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, guys remix that come on fucking add a add a nasty german techno beat to that please i enjoyed that i did right it's enjoyable it is enjoyable um so okay let's talk about santa cruz matt because you um you recorded this special called uh this show will make you high and you went to i'm gonna

tell you we were in uc we were at uc santa cruz for four years um jordan was a year younger than me so uh i was driving back and forth to santa cruz so between us we have five years of santa cruz experience sure my younger brother just graduated from uc santa cruz we're really intimately familiar with this market um it's not a place where a lot of big-name acts make it a point to record their shows. That's why we went there. So we wanted to do, you know, most of the show is sketch video shot on location, you know. But we wanted to kind of do interstitial stuff, which was little parts of live performances. And at first we were thinking about doing it at the UCB theater, but there's this,

there's this special vibe you get when you go. Everyone owns a didgeridoo. God, that was so true. But when you go somewhere, you have no idea how many didgeridoos there were there, Jordan. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, when you go somewhere where people really appreciate that you're there,

you know, versus Los Angeles or New York City. So we wanted to go someplace where they didn't get comedy a lot and do like a bigger venue. And it had to be somewhere in driving distance of la so santa cruz kind of ended up being the perfect thing we were also going to go kind of screw around at places that were having big interesting events it so happened that we lined up our show with 420 day and you guys this is the big field behind santa cruz every april 20th thousands of people from not just there but all around come and get high in this field like a bunch of

people come from all around to get high in the field on 420 at ucsc yeah i mean i think it's become oh yeah i think it's become legendary. I mean, even since we graduated, I mean, I definitely remember. Everyone going out behind the, everyone went out and got hot. Yeah, yeah, but no, no, no. I think it is a vacation destination for the didgeridoo set. Oh, you know what? I like the didgeridoo set. Usually a guy who's going to play a didgeridoo

and is going to walk around with it is probably a guy that's pretty much up for anything. Absolutely. And at the end of the day, I'd prefer that guy over what a lot of these people were, which dudes in muscle shirts, you know, with muscles. Sure. And a very aggressive attitude. Wait a minute like like 420 yes exactly

stoner culture isn't just fish heads guys and i kind of discovered that myself because when i was doing 420 days back in the day before vaporizers in the internet Back when you could get high just from the internet. But everyone had that didgeridoo attitude like yeah, there's a... We came there and we put on bits. We weren't really pranking people. It was more like

we had characters just kind of running around this big crowd of people getting high. We had John Gimberling. He has this character called the whiny baby, and he's just in some baby diapers just being a hilarious whiny baby, you know, running around while people are getting high. And some people loved it and were like,

ah, I want to hug the whiny baby, put him on my lap, and they're, you know, being cool hippies. But then the other at least half were being really aggressive like hey dude get that dude out of here yeah i'm getting high with my bong in the middle of the field i don't have time for guns diapers he's got priorities that's what he's trying to tell you we're here to get high not screw around you know this kind of came up this is i think a similar uh uh uh phenomenon uh to something that kind of came up on the i think a similar uh uh phenomenon uh to something that kind of came up on the last show i was talking about how uh as a guy who really really likes video games and like

growing up video games were something that uh yeah for for dorks and sissies and uh and uh you and yeah yeah um non-athletes sure uh the chubby sure um and but kind of now seeing kind of video games getting appropriated into all these uh jock events uh like you know because of madden football and halo and guitar hero like every I'm sure every frat house in America is hooked up with an Xbox. Yeah, definitely. You know, and I think maybe Pot has undergone a similar thing to where it was something that the metal guys did or, you know, something that you did under the bleachers while the other joiners were watching the football game. And punk rock, too. Green Day concerts were the first shows that I started noticing

because it used to be only the skinny kids and the ugly kids. The popular kids were nowhere near the punk shows, but then all of a sudden, somewhere around Green Day getting popular that you started to see the frat set come and they loved the mosh pit. I might say more specifically

penny wise or at least in Southern California that's when we're like uh oh this might not be cool anymore. Yeah. That's a powerful cultural shift when that happens. It is. Yeah. Can you pinpoint a time when pot became a

jock thing or is it a frat guy thing or how does it how does that fit in there what i have found the most amusing thing to me about this transformation is that there are things like i was driving to the airport the other day and and I saw a giant billboard. I can't remember what the billboard was for. I'm going to say maybe energy drink, something like that, something stupid. And it was black and white, picture of a guy wearing sunglasses, looking badass. This guy. Oh, is this for gunner shades? Anyway, sorry.

That's entirely possible. continue yes it is it was it was for special glasses that you wear when you're playing video games oh my god that's totally what it was yeah it was in the style of like i'm i'm professional snowboarder x accent here's my new goggles yeah you can fuck shit up yeah no sure but it was it was a and the guy was wholly unconvincing as a badass sure like there must be amongst he was a professional video game player which is amazing to me that's a real thing but um not that you would play in a tournament but it seemed to be that that was his career. That amazes me. And I would think if there's one of those guys

there's got to be dozens of them, right? Sure. So isn't there one of them that doesn't look like he's never been outdoors? Like isn't there... But don't you want that? Don't you want the schlub to be the hero of the video game playing world? You don't want a jock.

But here's the thing. I don't necessarily want a jock to be the hero. That's a good point. Point taken, Matt. But the question is, if I have a schlub, am I going to try and make him look like he's, you know... A tough guy? Yeah, like he's Terrell Owens or something like that. So you're saying a more accurate billboard would be him wearing the goggles

but sitting on a beanbag chair covered in Cheeto dust. Yeah, exactly. That's the billboard you want to see. Right, because it's a sincere reflection. I feel like this comes up a lot. With a woman above him. Just look at disappointment. Right.

And the caption is, I don't have to take these off to masturbate. I feel like it comes up, that same thing comes up a lot with professional poker players in advertisements. Like, I feel like there's nothing you can do to make a professional poker player look cool. But those dudes,

they have the... The fact that they get to wear sunglasses inside makes them so cool. Like, I've prayed to have a career where I could go to the Laker game or, you know, do an interview and get away with wearing sunglasses.

Only Nicholson rappers and poker players. You know what? I have to – tomorrow I have to fly to Vegas to play in a celebrity charity poker game. All right. Yeah. I don't know the first thing about it. Who are you playing? I know basically the rules.

I will be playing Dame Judi Dench. No. I don't know the first thing about it. Who are you playing? I know basically the rules. I will be playing Dame Judi Dench. No. I don't know. You know, it's... He'll be playing other movie stars. Yeah. Other movie stars. I'll just guess.

No, you know, it's for... I work for Fuel TV, which is the skateboard surfing network. This will be other celebrities from that world, and I should probably make finger quotations when I say celebrities. So it'll be, you know, a famous motorcycle guy or something. It'll be extreme celebrities. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone who's like Tony Hawk, but who normal people haven't heard of.

Sure, yeah, exactly. Like Tony Hawk, but worse. Yeah. Anyway, so I'm a little, I don't know the first thing about poker, really. Have you ever played poker at all? I have played poker. Like, I know basically the rules, but. Do you know which thing beats which thing?

Yeah, yeah. I can go that far. Do you know what kind of poker you're going to play? This is Texas Hold'em. Oh. I just actually, I just went to a wedding in Richmond, Virginia, and found out that my cousin, I only have a few cousins, and I should know what their careers are, but I just found out that one of them is a professional, full-time professional poker player.

Online? No, he plays in in-person tournaments. Wow. He's apparently ranked in the world or something. Now, talk about slug creatures. There are some people who just make their living playing online poker. That sounds insane. Yeah.

That sounds like not only do you not want to leave your room, you feel you can't. That's the matrix. I've known two people who have done that for significant stretches of time and made good money doing it. But what a life that is. Basically what they would do is both of these guys were sort of math geniuses. And so they would just know the odds for everything. They would just play really conservatively. And they'd look for places where idiots were playing.

and they'd find places, they'd look for places where idiots were playing. Okay. And what they would do is just play six, eight hands at a time. So they'd have two or three monitors. They'd have four windows in each monitor and they'd just go down the line, make the most conservative play they can.

Take a quick break to tend to their bed sores. I mean, that's the matrix. It's just numbers. It's just numbers and odds and surviving. Yeah, it really was. Yeah, like, is there a way we can get rid of these colors and these king heads? These are too, this is too interesting. Can we just make this into a grid so how you all you often have to go to uh you often have to go to las vegas for work jordan

but is this is this like a is this like an is this another like you're flying in in the morning and flying out in the afternoon no this is a uh this is and also something i'm worried i'm worried about two things one embarrassing myself at poker uh-huh. And two, I have to be there for like four days. Four days? Which is about three too many days to be in Las Vegas. Yeah, and I'm a guy who likes Las Vegas. I like to drink on the street. I think that's really fun.

I can't think of another thing that's fun about it. I like drinking on the street. You enjoy gambling? That's called being homeless, man. I like drinking on the street. Under the stars. Walking around. There's no responsibility.

Yelling. Whoever. I like a second or third jacket if I can get my hands on it. Sure. I love cardboard. Do you like gambling? Yeah. I mean, you know, like I, yeah, I usually i usually allot myself you know i'll just go lose

50 in vegas every time i go uh you know just as part of an evening out i like to i like to put a dollar into antiques dealer i'm not gonna lie to you sure one of my favorite slot machines antiques dealer who knows what's gonna come up you three armoires, you're making a lot of money. Wow, you love antiques. Matt, do you like Las Vegas shit? Oh, no. That goes against every bone in my body. It's terrifying, right?

I've done it, but I've done slot machines. That's all I even have. I have zero balls when it comes to that. I would gamble on football just because I, not that I can affect it, but I know at least

a little bit about it. So I don't mind sitting there and betting on that, but that's not really very active. I met a lady, a Hollywood television writer. She wrote on, actually a show I believe,

you were a big fan of Battlestar Galactica. Oh, yeah. She wrote on Battlestar Galactica and just the nicest, brightest, coolest lady you could ever meet. And she told me and my wife at dinner one night all about how she fucking loves slot machines. She is a slot machine high roller she can call a casino and they will they'll set her up for whatever she wants and she goes and plays slot wait is there any skill to slot machines no there is no skill to slot machines so she's a high roller based on her

willingness to put a lot of money into a slot machine right and i don't understand like it and she loved it and i want to be clear again a really bright lady really cool lady not sad at all not a grandma she's not wearing a cat sweater have you ever seen uh they have like special rooms with like the thousand dollar coin for the slot machine? I'm sorry, thousand dollar coin? I think that's the minimum. It's some crazy amount. I'm pretty sure it is.

Maybe it's a hundred dollar, but I think it's a thousand. I think it's at Caesars and it's like, it's amongst, it's like a special smaller room. There's only like 10 machines in there. Yeah, sure. But there's... It's called like... It's called... Sure, it's like Plato's Den of Inequity or something.

It's like, what place are you in where you're just going to put thousands of dollars of coins into a machine? Because it's not anything. I mean, that's the thing about it like you can you creating in your mind the illusion of control over that is such a jump it's such a leap it's like willy wonka man like they really but if i was gonna do it it would just be one you'd have just to go this coin this is it this is the one that's gonna to turn my life around. You wouldn't be upset that you can't make an evening out of it, at least. That's true.

You could sit at the machine and think about it for a while. Oh, yeah. Kiss the coin. Sure. I mean, the challenge of it would be, I mean, look, we're all walking around Las Vegas. We got $1,000 coins in our pocket. Sure. But you only want to do one,

and they're trying to get you into doing a whole bunch of them. I need the rest of those $1,000 coins for other stuff. The Liberace Museum, for example. The M&M gift shop. Jimmy Buffett's restaurant. I once did acid with a lady and went to Waynene newton's show and uh i will say i got a blow job at that show and i don't know if you've ever gotten a blow job

on it from wayne newton or wait okay okay i left my cake out in the rain. Oh, yeah. This is in the audience? Yes. Because it was only like half full. And so? And when we got there, they had these booths in the back, as I remember it. Sure. They could have been snakes or dragons. You know, and I slipped the guy 20 or something.

And they let us go back there there's nowhere i said i'll be back in a second honey yeah get one of your friends to keep my girlfriend busy but i remember getting that blow job and being on acid listening to wayne newton and in his show he has uh he starts it with this UFO coming down, landing. Why wouldn't he? Except for the UFO. You know, he probably stole that from my Dr. Funkenstein musical. Yeah. It had an American flag on the side, and I'll never forget that.

It's from outer space. It's unidentified flying object but it is from the united states right i don't understand how if you are gonna if you have at least at some point in your life led a doing acid going to a wayne newton show and uh receiving a blowjob at that wayne newton. How you could be against Las Vegas. Because that is the special place. I'm not against it. It sounds like the situation is

you peaked when it comes to Las Vegas. It's like winning a gold medal. I did the Star Trek. Have you done that? The museum, I guess. I had a girlfriend in college who was really into Star Trek And we went there once

And we had the big Dry ice Cocktail that was Star Trek themed In some way Anyway, she was more into it than I was So she kind of knew the little references At the Ferengi bar At the Jew

Bar In the world of Star Trek Ferengi bar, probably. Yeah, yep. At the Jew bar. Yeah. In the world of Star Trek, the Ferengis are kind of this, like, 1940s version of what a Jewish person is like. Oh, totally. Or maybe, I guess, maybe even more specifically, a Shakespearean version of what a Jew is like. Right. They've got those, I got a deal for ya! I guess the question

that you must be working on, Jordan, is what do you do on day three in Las Vegas? Yeah, that's kind of my situation, because I have had some great times in Las Vegas for a day and a half. Like, that's a great way to spend a day and a half, especially if you're there with work

and somebody else is paying for your yards of margarita. But, yeah, I am... You can expense that? You can expense a yard-long margarita? I do some creative... I do a little creative accounting. Sure. I...

Sure. I just call it props. Uh-huh. And I'm an alcoholic. I just write that on the... It's your fuel fuel. Right. And I'm an alcoholic. I just write that on the... It's your fuel fuel. Right, yeah, sure, exactly. My joke juice.

I had to go to Las Vegas. I covered the comedy festival in Las Vegas for The Sound of Young America, or at least we tried to. We decided we were going to go out there. And so we did it, like the first day, we did an interview with Dave Foley and Kevin so we did it with like the first day we did an interview with uh dave foley and kevin mcdonald that was great dave foley and kevin mcdonald are

great um and then we didn't and then we just ended up going to see ralphie may because we were just like there's nothing what are you gonna do if you're me? I don't even drink. So what the fuck am I going to do in fucking Las Vegas? It's a weird place for a comedy festival. Like I've done that. We did it the first year. It's just such a weird vibe. Just so anti-comedy for some reason. When you did it, was it in essentially a hotel conference room in Caesar's Palace?

room in in caesar's palace we did it in this weird converted room in a casino that i think it's where second city used to be but it was a terrible room and you could hear the entire time all the all the slot machines going the entire time you're on stage we're trying to improvise but uh it and it's and you feel And you're looking at them going, why are you watching us? It's the same thing. It's like, you're here to watch improv? That's the last thing I want to watch. Well, that was the thing.

When we were there, I was like, you know what? We're in Las Vegas. Let's go see a show. So we look up the shows. You know, we're going to go see fucking Wayne Newton or something like that. Bette Midler was just about to open.

I'm like, fuck it. I'll go see Bette Midler. I kind of like Bette Middler it's probably fun to go see a bet middler show right and uh everything like that cost 200 yeah it sure does that's why you got to get a bloodshot yeah to make it seem worth it make you feel like you're getting your money's worth like it really cost 200 like i was under the I had this impression in my mind that, like, they have the show there to bring you there to gamble, and so you can go to the show,

and if you don't gamble, then you win because you're... But no. Yeah. It costs more to see it in Vegas than it would cost to see it on fucking Broadway. Yep. They gave me free crappy steak, and that's about it.

Sure. Get a watered-down drink. I never even got that. I guess I never really sat at a table. All I got was a lot of... There was a women's bodybuilding convention at the Golden Nugget where I was... So you got a lot of boners. Is that the sentence you were about to finish?

I was diamond hard, my friend. Wow. Not unlike those women's trapeziuses. That's a muscle? Trapezius? I don't think so.

I think that's a muscle, Jordan. Yeah. But yeah, but I am, and I don't imagine, I don't imagine people will get this podcast in time to be of any help,

but I am kind of curious. Have you been to the Liberace Museum yet? No, I haven't imagine people will get this podcast in time to be of any help. But I am kind of curious. Have you been to the Liberace Museum yet? No, I haven't. It's still open. It's closing at the beginning of next year, I think. Oh, great. Okay. You have time to go see it.

It is kind of great. It's pretty cool. Okay. If anyone else has any other I'm in fucking Las Vegas, what do I do suggestions? Just shoot yourself. Let us know. Yeah. Well, I could shoot myself. You could just stay drunk. It's probably really easy to get a gun fucking Las Vegas what do I do suggestions just shoot yourself let us know yeah well I could shoot myself

you could just stay drunk it's probably really easy to get a gun in Las Vegas yeah well you can go you know you may remember when

ask Tupac oh yeah the last time I was in Las Vegas the cab driver took us by the place where Tupac was shot and pointed it out

it was pretty cool when Rob Hubel and Paul Scheer were on the show during our marathon, they mentioned that they had gone... They may have mentioned this off the air, but they mentioned that they had gone and shot machine guns at prostitutes, I think?

I think it was probably pictures. Oh, okay. Like a photo or an outline of a prostitute. Or just a poster and it just says women on it. Sure. You were fine with them shooting at prostitutes, though. Oh, I support it.

That's terrible of you. They deserve to die. Wow. I didn't know this was a conservative talk show. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Well, we're going to talk about the Ground Zero Mosque. Just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. We're going to talk about the Ground Zero Mosque.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, Jesse, go. And I'm Matt Besser. Our German techno announcer. We could record that and play it every week,

but are you willing to be here every week to do that? No, you just got to get that sample, put it on a loop. No, we need you here. It sounds warmer if you do it live. There's a warmth to it. What you do is you talk right into that microphone there, and then we'll play it for the people. Am I misunderstanding? You got to put it on a loop, man. That'll play it for the people. Am I misunderstanding? You kind of put it on a loop, man.

That's what it's all about. This is going to sound cold and machine-like, but I guess that's more crafty. I actually just came straight here from a television meeting and it was with some television executives. I shan't

name them or their network. The King of Hollywood? It was. It was President Dreamscape. And I... Matt, I'm sure you've been in... This is relatively new to me. Okay.

You're pitching a show. Is that what you're saying here? Well, I do this online series called Put This On. Okay. I're pitching a show. Is that what you're saying here? There, well, I do this, I do this online series called put this on. Okay. I haven't heard that. What's that? It's about men's clothes.

And, um, and so we had gotten interest from these executives. Wait a minute. How many podcasts do you do? You do a podcast just about men's clothes. It's a video series and blog. Yes. Okay.

And I host a television show on IFC. Oh, I gotta say that. We haven't said that on this show. No, yeah. And you're contributing to it as well, Jordan. Sure. The Grid on IFC. I'm now the actual host of it. It's basically Jordan and Jesse Go, the TV show. It's not. No, not at all. It's not. No.

It's a 15-minute trip around the world of culture and the web. Sure. It's not. No, not at all. It's not. No. It's a 15-minute trip around the world of culture and the web. Sure. It's a fun show, though. Yeah, yeah. Thursdays at 745 on IFC. But yeah, we're doing a lot. We got a lot of shit going on.

A lot of irons in the fire. You name a boutique cable network, and we are dealing with them. No. Fuel. IFC. Fuel TV. No. Fuel. IFC. Fuel TV. Independent film channel. So I

had this meeting with these TV people and they basically want me to they want it to be a makeover show. And I don't really want to, I'm not sure I want to do a makeover show because I love doing Jordan Just Ego and San Diego Miracle. Why would I need to do a makeover show because we could i love doing georgia seagull and san diego america why would i need to do a makeover show to make my living sure and uh they're just saying all these different words at me you know this fella who's in charge of this thing he's just

saying a thousand different things quadrants demographics just all kinds just so much nonsense new media hold on let me give you one I got once in a pitch. Matt, let me explain what our network is. Our viewers, they don't live in L.A., but they know how to get to L.A., but they just don't want to. And then this same guy on another meeting goes, How am I supposed to do things different

with that ultra, ultra specific description? He's trying to describe middle America in this complimentary way. It's the smart people from middle America, I don't know, who just subscribe to the New Yorker or whatever. And then another time he said, look, our shows, the girlfriend is watching the show and the boyfriend will walk by, will walk through the room. And, you know, he'll look over shoulder for a while.

And then you know what? Sometimes he'll sit down and join her And watch the show with her And I'm just sitting there going Exactly That's exactly what I'm pitching you I gotta tell you Matt That was almost

Verbatim something that this guy said to me Really That's so funny because that's such a specific scenario That there's really no way to record that Like how do they know that happens? Like that's something they imagine happens? He was telling me about the importance of co-viewing Which is apparently when a boyfriend and girlfriend watch a show together

The boyfriend's making fun of it But he's still having fun Yeah, that's exactly what he was pitching in the City. That's what he was... That's exactly what he was pitching to me. So anyway, the guy, I don't know. He's just... He's probably good at his job. I don't know.

I'm probably the one, frankly, that's bad at making television shows. That's the reality of the situation. I probably want to make something that nobody wants to watch. You know what I mean? Like, there's no... I don't think that he's wrong per se he might be wrong but i i don't think he really has a clue one way or another whether or not no matter what your idea is so he starts talking about like i said he wants us he wants us to make a makeover show and so

no matter what we say he agrees with it and so i can can say, well, we don't want to make a makeover show. And he says, of course, we don't want to make a makeover show either. So we're going to make... We just want you to make people over on a show. We want to over make them.

So I'm having this weird conversation with him. And like I said, I think he's probably good at his job How many times did he say Twitter? He did not say Twitter And if he had I would have felt better Because I could have presented myself as a twit expert Oh sure

But he So he's saying all this different stuff And he goes off on this Jag about the names of shows He's talking about Queer Eye for the Straight Guy And how everybody watched Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Because it talking about Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and how everybody watched Queer Eye for the Straight Guy because it was called Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

And then he starts talking about The Biggest Loser and how The Biggest Loser is the greatest television show ever because in three words it tells you all these different things and he's talking about all these different things and we're like, well, our thing's called Put This On. And he's like, you know, he's talking about show names and he's so into it and he's not really listening to what we're saying. And I have this problem that I think we've talked about on the show

where if I'm in a social situation where I'm uncomfortable, I will revert to just making a joke without a joke inflection to see what happens. And I said... Oh, is this maybe an addition of the segment you would like to tell a joke that didn't go over well the first time? Yes, absolutely. Oh, great.

Matt, we have an ongoing segment on the show. We retell a joke that we told in public because we feel like it didn't get a good reaction. Anyways. All right. Let's do it. So I'm sort of feeling uncomfortable in this whole situation because I don't even know if what I'm selling is – it seems like what he wants is something different than what I want. And I don't know what the resolution is. And he just goes off on this huge tangent about names.

And then I say, well, maybe we shouldn't be pitching you put this on. Maybe I should tell you about our other idea, fart police. And then I say the log line for that one is, who dealt it? And nothing. Come on. They had no reaction. That was what, they weren't even disapproving. It was as though I hadn't said something completely inappropriate and ridiculous.

Wow. So they didn't say anything in response? They started talking about this. They talked about something else. It was like being in an alternate universe where you can just say fart police and nobody takes notice. You're going to feel like such a chump that you even said that on the air. I'm sure four months we're going to get the Variety article about uh the fart police pilot getting picked up i know who dealt

it that's the logline yeah you just uh you just you just let loose a million dollar idea it was like it was like you know you know in way you know in wayne's world when when they're talking about how they came up with the name noah's arcade. And the wife goes, I just opened my mouth and out it came. That's how I felt about who dealt it. And even who dealt it didn't. Nobody. There was nothing. It was a complete impassivity.

Like they did not change their facial expressions or anything. That in the context of this extensive discussion of makeover shows, I suggested fart police. And then I just lost. I just sort of spaced out after that. That's fine. I just sort of lost connection with the real world. You spaced out?

Well, they were in... There was so much coming to me from this guy. You were at Spago, right? I mean... We were at Spago. i mean we were at spago we were actually at this restaurant this other amazing thing happened at this restaurant that we were at we're at this restaurant in hollywood and it was like a fancy japanese restaurant but like a lot of uh fancy restaurants in los angeles it had elements of tgi fridays so it was like a fancy

restaurant with a lot of like abstracted black and white photographs on the walls and stuff but also when you walked in all the all the like japanese sushi chefs like said something and all said something in japanese in unison yeah that always makes me uncomfortable it's so weird are they saying norm so i went i had to go to the bathroom so i excuse myself i walked up to the hostess stand because i couldn't find the bathroom i'm like walking around totally confused as to where the bathroom is like i walked you find yourself in line for the mechanical bull accidentally i walked into the kitchen so like i walk up to the hostess station And I say excuse me where's the restroom And the woman says

I'll take you And the hostess in like a black Mini dress Did she lead you by your dick She led me to the bathroom Seriously as though I was in a brothel And she was about to have sex Like I had chosen her

Like that was exactly the She's wearing like a four inch mini dress she's walking sort of in 12 inch heels hold on let's say that again this is did you jesse did you have to pee pee or poo poo did you help you to pee pee or poo poo did she unzip your pants she walked me all the way to the door of the restroom. It involved going through one door and then going to... Be careful in there. The fox police are around. There was a sign on the thing that said restroom.

She could have just said, oh, over there is where the sign says restroom. She wanted a tip, man. You didn't give her a big old... You should have laid a $50 on her. Do you think that was a tip situation? Oh, yeah, at least $50 at least 50 personal escort to the bathroom i i thought about giving her one of my thousand dollar coins my coin um we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, known for it's his thing it's his thing that and pot comedian oh come on don't you you wouldn't make a show called uh this show will get you high not that's that's the whole thing you guys didn't ask me about that i was trying to create a show that gets people high to get you kids off the pot. Oh. Okay.

The show will get you high. So you don't need, it's a high on life type situation. Oh my God, yes. But it's high on your favorite television program. Yes. We'd have pot humor on there, but we're making fun of idiots. Those misguided. Yeah.

Stupid potheads. If we ever talked about that lecture that Rick Overton gave, you weren't there. Did we talk about that on the air with Kamau Bell? We did. Okay. Never mind then. Hey, we got a sponsor this week. Here's how it works on JordanJesseGo. If you want to sponsor an episode

of the show, it would just cost $100 for a personal message, sort of billboard at the Jumbotron at the ballpark style, and $150 for a commercial message. A couple of listeners started a podcast. And so they wanted us to talk about them. I actually met one of them, Paul.

He is a donor to the show. Like I said, I met him. He and his friend Heather have started a podcast called DVD Afternoon. On this program, they talk about... What time of day is that on? Anytime. On demand. Okay.

It's a Mobisode. So they talk on this program, DVD Afternoon, about all the latest DVD releases and especially movies that you... Would watch in the afternoon. Right, exactly. Something that doesn't upset you too much when you're trying to fall asleep. Right.

Something pleasant if you want to clean the house. Something that's fun with some cookies and a glass of milk after school. That's what they're talking about. So Princess Bride only. Yeah, exactly. But they like to focus on your shows, your movies that are like art movies

that might have been hard to see in theaters, foreign movies that might have been hard to see in theaters, foreign movies that might have been hard to see in theaters, possibly direct-to-DVD movies that have merit. Yeah. Or Mega Sharks, maybe. Sure. Mega Sharks. I don't know. Mega Sharks is definitely something that's going to come up on a

DVD afternoon program. Hard to say. So anyway, you can find it in your iTunes. Give it a search. It's a DVD afternoon from Paul and Heather in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Right? That's right. Edmonton, Alberta.

Edmonton, Alberta. Halifax, Nova Scotia. Yes. I met Paul at the Edmonton meetup. He's a sweet guy. And he says, Heather works at the Edmonton meetup. He's a sweet guy. And he says, Heather works at the cool video store in Edmonton, which, by the way, is what passes for a credit in Edmonton. If you work at Videodrome,

which is the cool video store in Edmonton. It's probably the last video store. I can't imagine there's a lot of video stores in Edmonton. Although, to be fair, there's not a lot going on in Edmonton. Although, to be fair, there's not a lot going on in Edmonton, besides the frozen wasteland and the enormous mall just outside of town, and the hockey team, and the oil business. So I'm guessing that there may still be demand for slightly outdated entertainment.

Do you guys think that the cool video store, as I imagine, this girl works at a place called Videodrome. So I can kind of picture it. You know, things are probably organized by director. Sure. Absolutely. Do you think that's just going to be around in every town forever? Like the cool, like there's like a mean fat guy who works there?

I don't know. There's a video store in San Francisco called La Video. Yeah. called La Video that has like every, it specializes in like out of print movies and etc, etc, etc and has tens of thousands of videos

but I don't know if that continues to be a thing was there a cool video store? Kim's video in New York is the big one but didn't Kim's video go out of business? well there were a few of them I should hope, there was like three of them the big one. But didn't Kim's video go out of business? Well, there were a few of them. I should hope. There was like three of them.

The big one was on St. Mark's, but I don't know if they all went under. I feel like I read, and don't quote me on this, that Kim's video went out of business, sold their collection to like the mayor of a town in Kansas who was trying to make the town a tourist attraction. To go watch movies there? To go watch movies there. That's crazy.

I really don't think I made that up. I really genuinely don't think I made that up. Now a thousand people are going to call and email. You spit our tax money on what? If you're going to tell us the story. The school caught on fire. If you're going to tell us the story of Kim's video, I ask that you do it in the forum where one person can do it

and then it's not a thousand people emailing me about it. I'm sure everyone will want to do that. But I think a town somewhere, some tiny town in the Midwest, sort of like how that city in Montana changed its name to Joe. It was like one of those things. Or Santa Cruz has the Grateful Dead archive. Thank God you brought that up, Matt. I'm so happy you brought that up

because this is my opportunity to say, please, stop emailing me about the Grateful Dead archive in Santa Cruz. Seems like you're just really mad about the fullness of your inbox. Seems like this is maybe... Do you think you might be a little too sensitive about the fullness of your email inbox, Jesse? I got an email the other day that made up for any email ever.

This young man emails me from the Netherlands. I think it was the Netherlands. Somewhere in Scandinavia. The Netherlands is not in Scandinavia. Somewhere in northern Europe okay and he tells me I'm in high school and here in

I'm going to say the Netherlands I'm not 100% sure that that's correct he tells me here in the Netherlands when you're 15 I think it is might have been 16 you do an internship I'd like to do an internship on Jordan Jesse Go. So I'm like, how could you say no to a 15-year-old that wants to fly from Northern Europe to Los Angeles?

And so I said to him, like, well, as you may know, like, you know, we can't really put you up. See, this is another story with 15-year-old boys and meetups. Guys, what's going on with this operation? Bring popcorn. It's a conservative pedophile podcast for high-rolling slot machine users. Bring some popcorn. I don't see why that's so weird. I don't see why that's so weird.

So this kid tells me he's eaten at that German meat restaurant that I ate at. Okay. Is he a parent? He's got like an uncle in San Diego and family friends in Pasadena. His parents are willing to fly him out here. I'm like, well, can you have your parents email me so that I know that I'm not kidnapping you? His parents email me. They say know that I'm not kidnapping you. His parents email me. They say, where is he going to stay?

He's going to stay with his family friends in Pasadena. They're going to drive him down to work. So we're going to have a European child. No, this was not run by me. No dice. Working here for a week. Timmer me. Sounds creepy.

No, he sounds great. He's going to replace you. No. You're fired. I mean, that's probably for the best, really. See the new guy that's going to say Jordan Jesse Go. Yeah. We need someone live.

Yeah, you refuse to come in every week to do it. Our hands are tied. Your beloved John Cage tape bending tricks. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. That's the funniest.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. Everyone work harder. Right? Isn't that like encourage you to work harder?

Jordan, Jesse, go on the Autobahn You work in a factory Thanks guys It's like a working song How did you guys come up with that? Jordan Jesse go Where did that come from? I had a great brainstorm one day

Somebody asked me that Oh, hey, Jordan What? If I'm not mistaken This past week on the maximum fun forums somebody issued a meetup challenge I did somebody heard that somebody what I'm gonna stop using somebody because Matt doesn't know what we're oh sure yeah I was headed to Washington DC this past week our nation's capital for a family wedding and so while I was headed to Washington, D.C. this past week, our nation's capital, for a family wedding. And so while I was there, I decided to have a Maximum Fun meetup in D.C.

because I knew we had some fans there. Of course, Craxworth. Sure. Got to talk about Craxworth. You got to talk about Evander. Yeah. Got to talk about Aaron G. All the forum favorites.

It's a shout-out, so I get it. Yeah. So these These are our homies This is We Later in the program We'll be dedicating

Slow jams to them I'll be sure Hits And that kind of thing So I figured We'd have a meet up I gotta tell you Jordan

I thought That we had a good meet up In Denver, Colorado Jordan I thought that was A lot of fun. We had that salted butterscotch ice cream. We met that Lutheran reverend with the tattoos.

Sure. We met that 15-year-old. I thought that 15-year-old, the one who asked me what they might be giants are like in real life i mean yeah i i can only oh yeah no no you don't have to you don't have to uh you don't have to re-explain this to me i've been basically fantasizing about it since you described it so so i had that meetup i mean this has just been running through my head i thought it was pretty great no need to rub it in okay I thought it was a pretty great meetup until I learned that it was a shitty bullshit meetup

when I had the Washington, D.C. meetup that blew it out of the fucking water, Jordan. Hey, try this. Jordan, you weren't at this one? I was not at this. Try this on for size, Jordan. I know you want to was not at either i was you want to have a little rival meetup i do um let's see if you can get this going on at your rival meetup three black people telling me why they like the beastie boys i mean i don't think

you're gonna be able to match that jordan it's a pretty banner day when that happens i don't think you're gonna be able to match that i think i can though i feel like my my ability to get the party started these are three fans of yours these are three fans of ours and of the beastie boys i had denigrated the beastie boys to some extent because i don't care for their music sounds like babies babies yelling come on um i i i equivocated. I said they were a nice, fun party rock band. I just said they were bad at making hip hop. Oh, boy. And so these three African Americans, two gentlemen and a lady, were all fans of the Beastie Boys.

All of them enjoyed the irony that they were defending the Beastie Boys to me, given our respective ethnicities. That was fun. How about this? Try this on for size, Jordan. Almost 40 people at this meetup. Wow. We had at least three dozen people on our sign-in sheet,

and I don't think we got everybody to sign the sign-in sheet. 40 people, Jordan. That's a lot of people. Yeah, well, I think once my... Hey, we had a little kid in a bar. I'm not trying to brag or anything, but there was a little kid in the bar, and he did some Michael Jackson dance moves.

Hey, once... Yeah, no, once my meetup gets off the ground, A, we're not going to have any child endangerment, so that's going to be... So it's going to be pretty boring.ment So it's going to be pretty boring No, it's going to be This is a new term to me It sounds kind of creepy

Talking about children and meeting up in other cities Sounds like some pedophile talk People who know each other from the internet Get together and beat off And come on each other's faces or bodies We call it circle jerk It's different You're from the vinyl, Devo

generation, etc. Before, you know what? Vaporizers are a big part of it. I get it now. What do you think you might be able to do at your meetup, Jordan? I'm just saying our meetup was pretty great. Listen, it's still in

its planning phases. Where is it going to be? I have not revealed anything about it yet because I have not planned any of it. You've made some big claims, though. Look, if people want to go to the forum and they want to look at the Washington, D.C. meetup claims thread, the claims that you made were very bold about how much better your meetup would be than my meetup. I mean, okay, listen. that you made were very bold about how much better your meetup would be than my meetup i mean okay listen when i wrote that i was on mushrooms but i will be on mushrooms i was at the meetup yeah

uh but i yeah but i feel like i can uh i can i can i can step to this this all sounds nice sounds cute sounds you know that's i think that's the best way to describe it yours sounds cute mine's gonna be fucking mind-blowing like it's gonna be one of those things that uh that like these aren't even shows you're not doing a show you're just meeting people yeah no this is gonna be the the stuff of embarrassing drunk best man speeches. It's going to be a significantly different tone than yours. Are you saying that Andrew W.K. is going to be back? I'm not saying he won't be.

And I'm not saying that we won't plot a plan to destroy a government building. Wow. Wow. What government? So it's definitely D.C. Student government. It will be D.C. Yes, we will vandalize the classroom where the student government meets up.

Once again, this sounds like a radical talk show that I didn't expect. Yeah. Conservative, and now it seems... A little libertarian. Yeah, libertarian, radical. Yeah, we're anarchists. We're those guys that wear the black hoods over their heads

and firebomb Starbucks. Yeah. And now on to our next topic, how fluoride in the drinking water is mind control. Caller? Hey, I want to talk about World Banks. All I'm saying is

I had a great meetup. We had about 40 people there. And how about this? Look. I'm just going to put this out for evidence of what a rager it was. It was scheduled to run from 5.30 to 7. Okay. Which is, of course, the time when all the wildest parties happen and it went to 7 15 and when theresa and myself left it was 9 p.m there were more than a dozen people still there and you had already met i mean how how much can you meet a

person man i don't know if you've got a good picture in your mind of what's going on in this thing i mean what we're doing is change names shake hands i don't know what happens we don't exchange names oh yeah it's just all everybody puts their keys in a bowl you put on your bird mask. Anyway, I'm just throwing that out there for you, Jordan. I'm just throwing that out there for you. I think I kind of feel like my meetup was, I don't want to say dominant. I'm biding my time.

I don't want to compare it to Tim Linscombe's performance in game one of the National League Division Series, which is to say dominant. Oh, you lost me there for a second. Tim Linscombe. Now I get it. Tim Linscombe. Sure, Linscombe. Jordan, did you watch our friend Ashkahn's San Francisco Giants celebration video? I did not.

I'm aware that he made one. Our friend Ashkahn celebrated a regular guest on this program, a popular rapper in the Bay Area, made a San Francisco Giants tribute song video. Nice. It is what you might call a song parody or an alternate lyric version of the song Don't Stop Believin' by a noted Giants fan, Steve Perry, who has requested that the Los Angeles Dodgers no longer play Don't Stop Believin' because he hates the Dodgers. Oh, yeah. They make a big deal out of that with the dancing guy. Yeah, and Steve Perry hates it because he's a big Giants fan.

I mean, look, I'm not a big Steve Perry fan, to be frank, but I feel like now that I found out this about him hating the Dodgers, I feel like I've got to be on his team. The same way I root for Huey Lewis, no matter what. I got your back, Huey. Like, whatever you need, Huey Lewis. Huey's a San Francisco guy? Oh, absolutely.

Kim Allen news. Isn't he the one that raps about every city in the world? Those guys sing, those guys sing, like, the national anthem at opening day like every other year for the Giants. Like, they just go, every year there's, well, like every other year for the giants. Like they just go every year.

There's well, we can just get Huey Lewis. There's only three famous people. I want a new jug. Huey Lewis, uh, Tracy Chapman. These are giant celebrities.

These are San Francisco celebrities. This is just overall, uh, Danny Glover. Oh, Chris Isaac, Chris Isaac. Four celebrities. Come on.

Tracy Chapman, Danny Glover, and Chris Isaac. The residents. Sure. The dead Kennedys. Yeah. The Jello Biafra. Every year Jello Biafra comes out and sings the national anthem at the Giants game. He changes all the lyrics though he does um anyway jordan uh i don't know if you know about the san francisco giants

win in the national league division series i don't um i know we have a popular segment on this show called jordan sings a song sure um i thought that i would offer a sort of giants theme variation since ash khan was so inspirational in recording his Giants smash hit, Don't Stop Believin', I thought I might offer one of my favorite Giants tunes with your kind indulgence. And of course, yours, Matt. Yeah. I mean, can I go do something else? Do I have to be in the room for it? Well, can you imply that you are in the room and then sort of quietly slip away from the microphone?

I won't make a bunch of noise doing the other thing I'm doing. What about, I mean... What's the other thing you were going to do? Whittling. Were you going to do... When you say whittling, do you mean whittling like a little thing or do you mean your fucking chainsaw log whittling? Because that's going to make a lot of noise.

I don't do anything... Is this meet-up lingo, whittling? Because that's going to make a lot of noise. I don't do anything. Is this meet-up lingo, whittling? Is that something you do when you meet up? It is. It means to jizz on the face. It's a power whittling. When the giants come to town, it's bye-bye, baby.

If you want to be in first place, sing bye-bye, baby. History's in the making at Candlestick Park. It can't be any longer than this, can it? Something, something, and light the spark. How much longer is this? If you're a fan of Giants baseball, sing bye-bye, baby. Some songs should be sang with a crowd.

Yeah. Okay. And then some songs shouldn't have been written. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Matt Besser. I's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Matt Besser. I like it. It's beautiful. It's lovely. Really ups the professionalism of our operation, don't you think? It does. It really brings a little extra something.

Although, I'll tell you. I don't know if you read a little review of Jordan Jesse Go in a blog called Splitsider. I did. I believe they described us as real pros. Yeah. But, I mean. Erroneously. I mean, certainly it was erroneous.

But at the bottom of the article, there was a photo of the author, and he was making the jack-off motion. So, I don't think we can take anything they said at face value. You want to take some telephone calls? Yep. I'm not going to lie to you. I don't know we can take anything they said at face value. You want to take some telephone calls? Yep. I'm not going to lie to you. I don't know what these telephone calls are. Julia screened the calls this week.

Our thanks to Julia, associate producer of The Sound of Young America. This is kind of a grab bag. It's going to be a grab bag. We'll see what we get. Hopefully nothing racist. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Goad. This is Mike from Philadelphia. I'm out and about on my bicycle

and I had to stop because the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that read abortion with a question mark. If it's not a baby, you're not pregnant. And I cannot for the life of me fathom what that could possibly mean. Okay. This is going to be, do you think this is a new genre of topic on Jordan Jesse Go? Explain a bumper sticker? It seems to be. It's come up a lot lately. Baffled by bumper sticker or license plate frame.

New York or New Yorker cartoons. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, obviously this is anti-abortion, but I don't know. I don't see what he's confused about. It seems pretty clear to me. Yeah, me too. Abundantly clear.

Maybe he's a dullard. Well, maybe he's just sheltered and he's not aware of the abortion debate that constantly rages in our nation. Maybe he thought this was a conservative talk show. Oh, yeah, right? When I was in, this wedding that I went to was in Richmond, Virginia, and it was happening at the same time as the Virginia State Tea Party Convention. And I have, number one, Richmond is a beautiful city,

just a totally beautiful city, just like a really wonderful, warm place, except for all the assholes walking around in Uncle Sam costumes, which I don't know if that's a normal thing. But the other weird thing about Richmond is, speaking of being sheltered, it really is like an entire city that's like a tribute to Robert E. Lee yeah it really made me uncomfortable like I don't I don't feel like New York all of New York State is all about it really like the idea of like being in the heart of the Confederacy

150 years later really was driven home to me as I just walked around Virginia, this beautiful, wonderful place where everyone couldn't have been nicer, and just was made really uncomfortable by the Confederate things that were everywhere. Hey, y'all. You should be slaves around here. That makes sense. Exactly.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Michael from the Wolf King phone with a momentous occasion. I was at wine tasting the other night with a group of friends, and they were playing some really terrible music, and I made a snarky, smart-ass comment about it. And the girl kind of laughed, and we got to talking, and I mentioned that I judge people based on their iTunes playlist, so she wanted to see mine.

So I gave her my iPod, and she noticed that I had you guys on there, along with several other podcasts that she really liked. Which is terrible. And because of that, I have a date to go and see her for drinks tomorrow night. And because of that, I have a date to go and see her for drinks tomorrow night. So providing you don't get any hate mail in the next week or so from a girl named Amy, because you're responsible for hooking up the jerk, keep up the good work. Of course, she's going to hear that.

Yeah, right? And also, why are you presuming you're gonna hook up on this first date she's gonna hear this podcast and this is what's gonna ruin the relationship that you've started dude you're being ruined right now as you listen you guys are you guys are missing out on the important thing which is that jordan jesse go is the ground rhino horn of podcasts. Oh, yeah. It gets women worked up. Yeah. It gets women flip out. Jordan, Jesse, go right to my pussy. You got it.

You know what I'm talking about, Matt Besser. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Chris from Philly calling. And, Jordan, I want to propose a wager with you on my Philadelphia Phillies against your San Francisco Giants in the 2010 National League Championship Series. I'm willing to wager two entire cases of the most delicious Boy Scout popcorn you've ever had in your life for one Jordan, Jesse, go T-shirt. Phillies take the series.

2-6-7-2-5-7 Wait, did he say Boy Scout popcorn? Yeah, right? What kind of pedophile? I'm telling you. So you guys go to the meetups with the Boy Scout popcorn. Wait, so wait.

Number one, he seems to have confused Jesse and Jordan. Yeah, come on, dude. If you're a fan of the show, get them straight. Jordan is, I'm a fan of the San Francisco Giants. That's Jesse speaking. That's Jesse speaking. See, that's the problem. Jordan is a fan of the yoga guy that can stretch his arms out really far when he punches.

Sure. That's what sport you want. It is, yes. what's that guy called ah you're thinking of a street fighter character i don't want to get into it right now what's that guy called i it's name is dawson not a big deal sure dawson that's what you're a fan of i am a fan of that yes you like it because he's not my not my character i anyways i i'm yeah i don't know he's not your character i don't know how this is He's not Now, Dawson with the stretchy arms

I'm just saying I don't like any part of this A. He confused us And B. Is San Francisco famous for its beer? Is that what he wanted from us? I don't know No, he wanted a t-shirt.

No, he wanted a t-shirt. He was giving... I didn't hear beer. Oh, yeah. He said juicy popcorn, didn't he? Oh, boy scout popcorn versus... I don't know what I was thinking about. Boy scout popcorn.

Well, when you do this, you're supposed to offer the famous thing from the place. Yeah, a cheesesteak. I'm supposed to be offering him dungeon s crab and he's supposed to offer me a cheese stick what about an illegal what about an illegal illegal gay marriage can you offer him one of those how about this can you mail down i'll give him court tower if the phillies win wow and he has to give me the liberty Bell if the Giants win. That seems fair, right? Fair and practical. I'm willing to settle for this. I'll give him the tactile dome at the Exploratorium where you go in and it's totally dark and you go through all the different stuff.

And he has to give me the bank of telephones. Wait, wait, wait. There's some kind of thing, museum, where you touch shit that other people have touched? Yeah. Oh, it's great. It's fantastic. Won't catch me there. And he has to give me, in the Benjamin Franklin Museum, the huge bank of 1970s telephones that you pick one up and you dial a number to hear a recording of a person from history.

Seems doable. But also, I don't know why we need to listen to that. Yeah, he should just send us some popcorn, right? Sure. Yeah, he works for Boy Scout Popcorn, whatever that is.

It's a pornographic website. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Colin from Provo, Utah. I had some information for you guys about ministers being able to park in special places. You guys are talking about that on the podcast today. And the information I had is that I'm Mormon, and a few years ago I was a missionary for the church in Washington, D.C., and in one area I was in, we spent a lot of time visiting people at hospitals, members of the congregation that were sick and stuff. So when we were there, we realized that this hospital

had special parking places for clergy, and because we were full-time ministers and we were ordained, we were able to park there. So there may be a more general rule for parking in handicapapped parking spaces or government buildings like you guys were talking about. But I know at least there's that at the hospitals. Do you think that's why 7'6'' center Sean Bradley decided to go on his mission out of high school instead of going directly to college. I wasn't aware of that. He did.

He did his mission. He did his two-year mission. I think those parking spaces are for clergy given last rites. Yeah. I feel like... Not going around helping people. I didn't like the tone of that guy's voice. It seemed braggy to me.

There you got to park in the special spots. Yeah. While he was doing gospel. Because it just made me think of how I'm not helping anybody. I sure. Way to go, dude. That's why you're looking for parking for 30 minutes out of your day. Hey, Jordan and Jesse.

This is Rudy. I'm calling from Chicago. I'm standing in the woods right now by the river. I'm here in the woods mountain biking. I like where this is going. I stopped for a little while to watch some deer, and an older Filipino man walked up to me. This is a joke.

We were making small talk about the deer and the fine weather, and then all of a sudden he grabbed my crotch. So I guess that's my momentous occasion. Yeah, that's what happens in the woods in the city. That's what the woods in the city are for. Sure, and you relayed two very prominent pieces of gay code. Gay in Filipino. Weather in Filipino.

Weather means use your hand, and deer means to grab my crotch. Sure. So, sorry, dude. Sorry if you don't know about gay code. You should know about gay code. That's the reality of the situation. You've got to learn the code. Hey, Jordan, dude. Sorry if you don't know about gay code. You should know about gay code. That's the reality of the situation. You've got to learn the code. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go.

This is Matt from Cambridge. I was walking through a park. You know what? Lose the accent, guys. Yeah, we're not impressed. Here in Edinburgh, where I go to university. A lot of people are walking through parks when they call you. Yeah.

What's up with that? Experience a momentous occasion. I saw a head, a lady with two dogs. One of the dogs picked up a plastic bottle from the ground, jumped up, put it in a bin. As I walked past, the dog once again picks up a crisp packet, jumps up, and puts it in the bin. It was a magical moment.

Thanks. Bye. Now, do you guys ask for people to call in with magical moments? Momentous occasions, yes. Oh, okay. We ask people to call in when something momentous happens to them. Oh, okay.

That makes sense. Hopefully in the immediate aftermath. It's like, why are people calling? And we also ask people to call in with reasons Mexicans shouldn't be allowed into the United States. Oh, my.

Two reasons. This show. Let allowed into the United States. Oh, my. That's the two reasons. This show. Let's go to the phones. That is amazing. It is amazing. That is a litter cleanup. Also, he said bin and crisp, which I enjoyed. The only thing that would have made it better to me,

and I don't know about you guys, is if it was a dolphin. On land. In a park. A dolphin on land who used its death throws to throw some garbage in a garbage can as it as it expired okay we got one more call hey uh jordan and jesse uh this is chris and greenborough um i am driving down the road here and and I see a raised Crown Victoria. It is sort of a teal color. There are at least six monitors inside of it.

The rearmost two are pointing directly at the back windshield. But what's most notable about this is that the bumper says, Snap, Crackle, Pop, and the side says Rice Krispies Treats and has the aforementioned Snap, Crackle, and Pop on them. Both sides is a cereal-related custom car. I don't know if he was paid by Kellogg to do this. Probably not. Do you not know anything about urban culture, sir? That's

gay code. It means a deer. Sure. It's how gay people discuss deer. It's because when they do talk about deer, it means to grab somebody's dick. That's called a donk. I know we've talked about the

other kind of donks on this show, just so you know, Matt. I'm a big fan of the miniature donkeys, which are called donks. They look like tiny donkeys. They're really cute. And there's also miniature horses, which are called minis.

They're not as cute as the donkeys, which are called donks. Really? There's two other meanings of donk. There is this genre of awful British dance music called donk, a sort of micro genre called donk. And if you search donk, there was a donk hit that a lot of people still send. Oh, I remember that. Jordan, Jesse, go.

Jordan, Jesse, go. It was. You remember it. We didn't see a dime from that, by the way, which seems – We didn't get a penny. The other thing that it donked is it's sort of like – it's a type of custom car where they'll take a large American sedan like a Crown Vic or like a 90s Impala or something like that. you know, like a 90s Impala or something like that. And they'll put it on lifts, typically, huge wheels.

And a big thing they do is they paint it according to some kind of crazy theme. And that theme is often commercial. Like it'll be like Froot Loops, Skittles, apparently Snap, Crackle & Pop, Rice Krispies. Like anything with like crazy colors and like big commercial logos and it's just it's not sponsored by the companies or anything it's purely aesthetic that they it's sort of like

the same like in San Francisco when I lived in San Francisco like high school kids like tough high school kids would wear Spongebob square pants backpacks like little kids for like little kids or like dora the explorer backpacks and shit like that is this from the uh this is from the uh is this from the same phenomenon from my childhood where you wore the shirt of bugs bunny sagging his pants. Yes. Is this the same thing? This is roughly equivalent to Rasta Bart Simpson.

Yes. If that's what you're asking, yes. So that's called a donk. That's a type of donk. There are three types of donks. One of them is a Crown Victoria that has Rice Krispies painted on it. Wow, that is crazy specific. It's a very specific thing, but it's a very it's a very specific thing but it's it's a widespread thing this is like the

most popular kind of custom car besides uh probably besides like a classic low rider or like a Japanese racing Sentra I don't think they race Sentras they probably race a Nissan Sentra right I don't know what they're doing over there Avalon so I believe they they check out a toyota avalon and it's called a dunk matt you have and what but what culture is it part of it's an african-american thing oh is it yeah it's something that you would do it's very popular it's very popular in the bay area you don't really see a lot of them down here in la i'm still more low riders here in la but um very popular in the bay area very popular in the Bay Area, very popular in the South. You'd see it.

It's something you'd see on the street in, I don't know, Houston or something like that. But it's not Hispanic. It does sound like the lowrider. No. I mean, I'm sure there are Hispanics, but it's definitely an African-American-dominated culture. Awesome. Yeah. It's great. It's great.

It's fantastic. Type Donk into the internet. You'll get a nice mix. No way. I'm going to get some hairy dicks. It's going to be dick pics. We'll be back in just a second. I'll join Jesse.

Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love to say... Jordan, Jesse, go. Oh, fuck. Something important just happened. What? I was about to do the outro of this program, but I remembered that there's something that I've been meaning to ask Matt Besser about for literally like two years now. It's been a while since Matt's been on The Sound of Young America.

This is his first time on Jordan, Jesse, go. There's just been this thing that's been bouncing around in my mind. I think I know what you're talking about. Yeah, this is his first time on Jordan, Jesse go. There's just been this thing that's been bouncing around in my mind. I think I know what you're talking about. Yeah, this is important. Go for it. Okay.

I'm sorry to extend the program past whatever you're comfortable with person who's going to email me to complain. Matt again, just delete it. Am I remembering this correctly? That when Kanye West was, had a pilot deal with HBO, and it was supposed to be a sort of

Curb Your Enthusiasm style comedy about his life as Kanye West. Yo, man, my show's gonna be like, it's gonna be like Curb Your Enthusiasm, because check it out. I am like Larry David all the time. And I had this idea for Curb Your Enthusiasm before Curb Your Enthusiasm was on the air.

And when I saw it on the air, that curbed my enthusiasm. That was my first conversation with him about the show. You were hired to be his sort of mentor in improvisation. I was called the improv samurai, and I'm not even joking. Wow. No, you weren't really called that. I was called in as the improv samurai, and hey, I was loving it. And he would introduce me to all his- Did you dress differently, like a samurai?

Well, I dressed like an improv samurai. Okay. T-shirt and jeans. But, yeah, I tutored Kanye and some of his buddies for about a month before he filmed that. Were his buddies, like, going to be in the show with him? Were they, like, the Jeff Garlin and the... Okay. Yeah. And they are his buddies going to be in the show with him? Were they like the Jeff Garlin? Yeah, and they are his buddies. That's great.

It was pretty amazing. We just don't even have words for this, Matt. In your opinion, if the show would have gone, how would it have been? Improv isn't as easy as everybody thinks it is. Let's just say that. Honestly, when it came down to it, when they came down to shooting it, there was a lot of everybody talking at the same time, unfortunately.

There were some funny guys. They're pretty funny. Connie's pretty funny, but he can improvise as well as I can rap Did you in your time as improv samurai Did you get to go to any weird Things on a yacht Or in the basement of Yale Or wherever it is that Kanye West hangs out

I went to his house. I went to his house every day. How was it? Pretty amazing. Somehow I feel like Kanye will listen to this at some point. Kanye, if you just had called me back out with someone presenting Kanye with some new shoes. But this is actually, these aren't the scenarios he wanted to act out in the show. This is actually, just day to day, he gets a new pair of shoes presented.

Pretty much. It would start out with, dude, check this out, man. I got these new shoes. Check it out. There's only eight pair of these in the world. There would be a good shoe conversation for a good 15 minutes before we got started. Kanye has recently hired this assistant

slash stylist slash man at arms whose name is Cassius Clay. White guy from Yale University. It was the under-Yale University comment that you just made that made me think of this. Yeah.

This man wears a bow tie made out of feathers. He's like a 20-year-old white guy from Yale. He's gotta be gay. This is like Kanye's... I don't know that he is he's weirdly not gay just because i have a bow tie of feathers doesn't mean i'm gay were there were there any like bow tie feather

type fellas around this was i mean this was a couple years ago, so Kanye was still transitioning from I'm just a regular guy that wears a backpack to I'm a guy that shoots rockets off at the MTV Awards or whatever. I will say one story. I brought in... There's no doubt that you're very fond of Kanye West, as we all are. I am, I am. It must have been a really cool, fun thing. It was fun i don't know how can i say all this uh so so one time we brought in some improvisers to improvise

with him you know i bring in some different people and we'd like you got a sean conroy it wasn't those guys it doesn't matter it would because it's anyway so we don't we'd start out doing our things by telling a story i was like you know you should just bring your improv from your real life because that's kind of what the curb enthusiasm model is so let's just tell a story just tell me a story of an awkward situation or something like that that you've had and we'd start that he would tell me a monologue and then we just kind of start the improv in the middle of the story basically and uh it wouldn't just be his stories we'd all trade off like i'd tell a story whoever i brought to improvise to tell a story so this one day the the guy i brought to improvise telling a story

and in the middle of the story kanye goes, yo, man, you got to stop talking because your story is really boring me. Oh. I've never experienced anything like that. You've got to stop talking. I was like, so many things went through my head. And I'm like, what am I going to do right here? Because, you know, that's just so rude. You know,

but it's Kanye West and he's the man. So you just suck it up. It's also the opposite of improv, basically. Oh, yeah. It's no but. I mean,

I guess more strictly, no, shut up. No, shut up. Yeah, telling someone to shut up because they're boring you, that's, you pretty much have to be a king to be able to say something like that. Away with you.

Yeah. Well, we have time. Yes. Matt, you have a television program that people can watch. This show will get you high. It's airing a few times on Comedy Central. Let me tell you the cast. Paul Rust, Brett Gelman, John Gimberling,

Betsy Sodaro. We're talking about some brilliant, some of the best comic minds of our time. Paul Rust was a past Jordan Jesse Go guest. The star of the hit film that I interviewed him about that I can't remember the name of. I love you, Beth Cooper.

I love you, Beth Cooper, which he was great in, by the way. Yeah, he's a lot of funny people. That's how we picked the cast. We just got some of the funniest sketch people around. We went up to Santa Cruz. We did a live show there, and then we shot a bunch of videos. And it's going to be on October 27thth 28th and november 1st very late at night because the show will get you high wait you can't you can't watch the middle of day and

then go drive somewhere yeah you'll endanger lives i'm talking is this part of super late fun time yes is it this is probably after super late fun. Because... You have to watch this show then go to sleep pretty much. If people... If it is part of Super Late Funtime, all I'm saying is I know a guy who's the voice of Super Late Funtime.

That's you? Yeah, people have been emailing me about that. Is that you? It totally is. We have a kind listener who lives in New York, works for Comedy Central, was in charge of putting together the warnings on Super Late Fun Time and invited me to record them.

That's great. You'll be warning people about this show that can get you high, hopefully. Well, I'm sure people will go out, set their TiVos. Yeah, you got to set the DVR. But you got to stay up. You got to bring everybody over for a big pajama party on a Monday night. PJP. M N PJP.

You just have a lot of water and bananas around. Oh yeah. And if you're pregnant, please don't watch this show. This is not hyperbole. Um, anyway, thank you.

Oh, and I'm sorry. Follow my Twitter to Matt Besser so I can update you on all the specifics and all my funny jokes every day that I'm sure you guys follow. Oh yeah, we do. There are good jokes. A few too many football references. I'm sorry. It's only on Saturdays.

I'm sure others will like your football references and I recognize them as jokes. I'm like, I bet Matt Besser's making a really funny joke about football here. I just don't really understand it. Yeah. Come on. You can relate to the Brett Favre jokes. That crosses culture.

Okay, I'm aware that he's taking pictures of his penis. Is that what the controversy about Brett Favre is, that he took a picture of his dick? Not only pictures of his dick, but limp pictures. If you're going to take a picture of your dick, shouldn't it be hard? You've got to rock it out first.

Yeah, right? Maybe that was the thing. It's like, hey, look how big it is. Limp. I don't know. Maybe. No, I think what the controversy comes from, if you think you're going to be a field general, if you think you can lead a team, you should know that you've got to take your pictures

of a stiff dick. I would think so. But maybe that's why he thinks it wasn't offensive. He's like, my dick wasn't even hard. I don't get it. It's non-sexual. There's no sex that can happen with a limp dick. I don't even like this person I'm texting them to.

If I liked them, it would be hard. I'm showing this woman that she doesn't turn me on because my dick is so shriveled up. What appealing she is. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Find us online at MaximumFun.org. Hey, before we go, I would like to offer a hearty congratulations to Dave Shumka, one of the co-hosts of our sister program

Stop Podcasting Yourself who recently became engaged to his sweetheart Abby who is her own person and so congratulations to Dave and Abby who have gotten engaged and

if that doesn't set your heart aflutter, maybe you should be listening to Stop Podcasting Yourself More. Hey, how about this? Maybe you should be listening to Stop Podcasting Yourself More anyway because it's fucking great. Sure. Wow. You just got aggressive there in the middle of that congratulatory speech.

Your congratulations became a plug. Yeah, It did. And, hey, watch me and Jordan on The Grid on IFC Thursdays at 7.45 p.m. It's a 15-minute program. Set your digital video recorders. Build your schedules around it. People say, like, isn't that too short to make a good TV show? My argument, Dr. Zhivago is 15 minutes.

Right. That's a classic movie. Exactly. We'll talk to you next week on Jordan, Jessica.