Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 149: Cocaine Disneyland with Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: October 21, 2010

Greg Fitzsimmons of Fitz-Dog Radio joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about the Sunset Strip, getting in fights and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddle, dumby, twiddly, palm tree. I'm going to be honest with you.

I don't even remember what happened on this week's Jordan, Jesse, go, but that's because it was a great time. Greg Fitzsimmons was here. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Rainy evening in Los Angeles.

Rain clouds on the horizon and above our heads. The whole various parts of the sky are heavy with rain. Sure. Yeah, you're right. I like it. I'm having a nice time. It's beautiful. I'm feeling great.

I think I'll have a bowl of soup later. I feel like I live in the Seattle of Los Angeles. Mm-hmm. Just because it's raining. That's all. That's the only thing, really. And all your Microsoft products. Oh, yes.

Absolutely. Joining us on this week's program, stand-up comedian, host of the exceptionally popular podcast, Fitz Dog Radio, author, as I'm sure will come up on this program, Greg Fitzsimmons. Welcome to the show, Greg. You know, these clouds aren't going to dampen my mood, guys. Yeah, so you would say, so Greg, let me just get this straight moving forward. You're kind of like a ray of sunshine cutting through the cloud cover well i can see clearly now yes it looks like the rain does appear to have gone yeah um hey what's that in our way obstacles nope oh good i don't see any rain there you go're playing the same rain stuff game, right? Sure. Just say there's some rain stuff.

Is that song, I can see all obstacles in my way or I can't see all obstacles in my way? He can see them because the rain is gone. So he can see. Why does he want to see the obstacles? Well, did the Titanic want to see that iceberg? Yes. Sure. So you can go around the obstacles.

Yeah. Right. Like the Tao Te Chee would tell you, water flows not again and again bashing against the rock, but around it, giving it none of its energy. Let me interject a question for you. What would the Tao Te Chee say about this situation? It wouldn't say anything. It would hold a mirror up so you could just see it.

Well, guys, no religious stuff okay can we keep this secular please sorry jordan i'm offended by it sorry jordan i didn't mean to offend you as a snake handler as a southern a crazy southern snake handler jordan just all i ask is that you not go into convulsions during the program again yeah well i mean okay the back half is going to be in tongues though All I ask is that you not go into convulsions during the program again. Well, I mean, okay. The back half's going to be in tongues, though. Yeah. No, absolutely.

Just to warn you, the back half of the show will be in tongues. Most of the show is in tongues? I've actually got an app, so I'll be able to understand what you're saying. Good. Excellent. There is an app for that. Sorry. I shouldn't have said that.

I feel bad for saying there is an app for that. You should. The moment I said it, I felt bad about it. It was the wrong thing to say. Yeah. I'm the host of the show, too. It's my responsibility. Yeah.

I mean, maybe later I'll say, can you hear me now in tongues? Can you hear me now because I'm speaking in tongues? Guys, if it makes you feel any better, I did make soup. So if that sort of smooths over any of these rough patches. Will you be giving us the soup, though? Or are we just supposed to take comfort in knowing that soup exists now? Yeah, the latter. Okay.

Absolutely. No, I don't think. How cruel would that be to steep soup where you can smell it for the entire show? Why not bake some cookies towards the end and then just say, thanks for doing the show, guys. Take care. And then, yeah, maybe we can hear a box of mewling kittens outside the studio. And all we're thinking of is I can't wait to finish the podcast.

And rescue those kittens. And rescue those kittens. Would Hasbro give you credit on using mewing as a verb? Oh, I don't know. Does Hasbro have some sort of... Scrabble. They own Scrabble. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Well, I'm confused. Why am I... I've never heard mew. You mean like meow? Oh, I said mewling. Mewling. I thought you were trying to get away with saying mewling. No. I said mewling. Mewling. I thought you were trying to get away with saying mewling.

You said mewling. You know, my diction's not as good as it could be. To be fair, mewling is essentially how you would say meowing if the year were 1867. Sure. If this were a letter from a Civil War GI back home to Richmond, Virginia. Well, speaking of letters, it it's funny bring that up my new book dear mrs fitzsimmons is filled with them we have 75 minutes of jordan jesse go to go you don't need to worry about it greg i'm just coming back to you saying i'm sure he'll mention it so

it's going to be a running thing we're gonna be fine we're gonna be fine greg you don't need to worry no but i can i get how as a comedian you might do you have that instinct a little bit like We're going to be fine. We're going to be fine, Greg. You don't need to worry. No, but I get how, as a comedian, you might have – do you have that instinct a little bit? Like when you go on like a morning radio show or something like that, is there this worry that the plug won't get in and you need to like – It's actually just the opposite. When you do morning radio on the road, you're like – I'm flying into west palm beach on wednesday and i get there not trying to brag or anything yeah exactly and only to get up early in the morning and do radio they'll do four or five radio interviews so i'll be waking up at about 3 a.m la time and i'll walk

into these studios filled with caffeinated jocks and all they'll do is plug plug plug and you're trying to get something conversational going you can't well that's because i worked on a morning radio show in san francisco i bet i bet that you have probably done that do you do you work san francisco do you play the punchline cobs comedy club yep johnny steel not johnny steel but not far from it i worked on i worked on alice radio for a little while who's uh who's johnny steel legendary comic and uh radio broadcaster they're very funny yeah for a long time san francisco stand-up comedian morning radio host just one of those guys that he probably at one

at some point hosted mornings on two yeah doesn't he always wear a hat he always wears a hat thing yeah it's you know it's his thing it's he's his thing. It's to sort of send the message that he's sort of a wild rebel in 1985. Specifically. He'd wear it backwards sometimes. He's sort of a wild rebel in the same way that Huey Lewis is. I was noticing this as I was driving here today, I drove on Sunset Boulevard, kind of through the area of Sunset Boulevard called the Sunset Strip. Again, not bragging. Not bragging, yeah.

On my way to West Palm Beach, listening to my AM FM radio. And they have a bunch of memorabilia on the sunset strip commemorating the kind of rock and roll history of the sunset strip like uh there's a bunch of like banners and there's the sunset trip music festival and there's all these kind of painted guitars out there now there's these big guitars that have been painted by various uh you know famous rock and roll artists to kind of remind you, hey, the Sunset Strip was a bastion of rock and roll. And I could see how like, you know, I kind of can picture it in my mind in 1985, you know, going to see Motley Crue and them, you know, fingering girls on stage and doing a line off the amp and then smashing it. But I feel like the Sunset Strip should just do itself a fucking favor

and not remind us how lame it is now. Like, it is the dumbest, most touristy part of L.A. Stop reminding us of how it would have been cool to be here in 1985. I feel good hearing you let a little bit of rage out about this because you used to live very nearby the Sunset Strip. Sure. In the neighborhood, so to speak. Look, I would never blame you for living there. You had a beautiful apartment. Sure.

Had a nice deal on it. It was proximate to local attractions. Absolutely. Your workplace. There was a Trader Joe's half a block away. I know. I mean, how can you complain about that? But the dumbness of that area is so epic it just really like if you think you know hoboken on friday night or something like

that is is full of dumb guys showing you their abs the dumbness is so spectacular because it is tinged with it is the it is pretty much the biggest of that but it's also sad yeah well it's become a satire of itself you know like you said i mean the hard rock cafe is the emblematic failure of cool. It's perfect, sure. And so when you go to a mall that's on the corner of Hollywood and is it Vine? And it is, you know, a bowling alley called Lucky Strike. Oh, sure. And everybody's wearing vintage bowling shirts

and everyone's hot and they make it feel like you have to know someone to get a lane when the truth is a tourist bus shows up and they all get to go in. It's like the Disneyland of cocaine. Title of the episode.

Yeah, and you know what? Like, I'm not saying that that 1985 Motley Crue Coke off the amp shit wasn't dumb. Because it probably wasn't. It was very dumb. And it was probably insufferable in its own little way. But at least that's a thing yeah that is i mean like i think anyone who's seen like heavy metal parking lot or something can speak to the dumbness of that sure certainly that's dumb but that but at least it was sort of it was sui generis it was of of itself. It wasn't a representation. Let me call Hasbro on that one.

It wasn't a representation of something else. Wait, is this just bragging that you have an in at Hasbro? You know what? I actually, I was early and I sat in my car playing Scrabble on my iPhone. I'm addicted. Is it Scrabble or Words with Friends? No, no, this is Hasbro's Scrabble. I paid money.

I got the real deal. Is this a book published by Hasbro? It's funny you say that. I wouldn't do it. I got the real deal. Is your book published by Hasbro? It's funny you say that. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do that. Is it a pop-o-matic book? Does it have a little bubble with dice in it, and you just pick which page to turn to? Oh, like Boggle? Yeah, right.

Yeah. No, I think that the great thing about Sunset Boulevard is pulling out of it. Whenever you think of Richard Pryor live on the live on the sunset strip or it always is the back of a corvette squealing tires you're leaving sunset strip late at night like you're going into the hills for the real party it's never on sunset strip sunset strip is where you find the tranny or the co-core whatever it is you seek in a seedy high energy place in my case it's a tranny co-core wow that doesn't take long to find there yeah any other place in the world you could spend hours right but i have to ask around you have to ask at the post office maybe even it's it would be harder to find one or the other

yeah you'd have to date several people in one night to accomplish all those things right this is it is economizing by going to the sunset strip one-stop shop as they say i opinion by the way you're young men so i will speak to you from first person 1985 i was partying i was uh sniffing said cocaine but never with guns and roses in the background never with girls with with platinum dyed hair i was you know I was hanging out with rock and rollers, but classic rock still. We rejected all 80s music entirely. We kicked it back to it. You're saying that you were a cocaine nerd.

Fine. What are we talking here? So you've rejected G&R, Motley Crue, Whitesnake. The classic nerd music of the last 40 years. You're talking postmodern nerd here because I've never heard Led Zeppelin thrown in the nerd category. We listened to music from 1967. I just want to point out, most songs about hobbits continue. Yes.

But also about, it was based in old blues. It was based in- It's a rocker nerd. I'm not saying it's not a rock and roll nerd, but the rock and roll nerd, the one that doesn't like, the one that doesn't get into whatever the alternative rock of the time is, is really into Zeppelin and Pink Floyd. Really? Yes, of course. But again, this is postmodern. Back then it was a rejection of huge guitar solos and of double bass drumming.

Sure. This was about wishing things could have been as good as they were from 67 to 73. And there was nothing nerdy about it. Well, speaking of 67 to 73, the thing that leaps to my mind most distinctively in when you talk about the Sunset Strip is this documentary that I watch called Lemmy about Lemmy Kilmister from Motorhead. And this was at South by South. We saw it at South by Southwest where I met and interviewed Lemmy, which was pretty neat. And the documentary is basically two different things there's two parallel tracks in this documentary one is lemmy on stage with you know the microphone nine inches above his head and the bass and the you know iron cross and like all of the various

things that make lemmy lemmy rocking out and just being amazing and there's no doubt Lemmy is amazing that's why Motorhead is the one thing that is both of that both people who like Def Leppard and people who like Led Zeppelin and people who like punk rock like both of those three

things but the other half of this movie is basically just lemmy in his house which is just wall to ceiling lemmy memorabilia and it's just an apartment he's lived in the same apartment on the sunset strip wow since the mid 70s that's great and it's just still renting i'm sure absolutely and it is so males in his 200 rent check it is like jordan your apartment uh one block away from the sunset strip was a palace compared to this shithole that lemmy from motorhead lives in wow it basically looks like a cat person's apartment only instead of it being

a cat person's apartment it's full of lemmy related shit like he's just got all everything that uh like a fan ever sent to him like every like crocheted lemmy doll or like some or picture of him every lemmy toy that's ever come out it fills up his thing except for the nazi room which is full of nazi stuff is that true? Yes, absolutely. He's not a Nazi himself. But how does one gain entrance to the Nazi room? He'll just show you in there. He doesn't seem to think that there is an issue with the fact that he is a Nazi enthusiast

who wears Nazi stuff on stage and has an entire room dedicated to Nazi daggers. But it's different. Somehow it's different when you're on stage and has an entire room dedicated to Nazi daggers. But somehow it's different when you're on stage and you're moving and you have it on, but when it's still and it's displayed, usually that requires some track lighting on it. Yeah, usually it takes track lighting and you need a basement. But when you have it in an apartment and it's out for display, it's almost like Louis C.K. used to have this joke about how, you know, when you're at a carnival or a fair and you've got a giant stuffed Yogi Bear, you're like a hero.

Two blocks away from the carnival, you're a loser. Yeah. He's not on tour. He goes to this bar on the Sunset Strip called the Rainbow Room, which was a famous— It was the famous bar, apparently, of this sort of 1982 Coke-fueled insanity. And he plays video trivia for literally— He drinks continuously. And I can verify that because I interviewed him at noon and he was drinking continuously through the interview. Bourbon or beer?

He drinks hard liquor. Straight? Yes. Wow. And in fact, often out of a bottle. Just straight out of a bottle. just straight out of a bottle. I was thinking about that about an hour ago, about drinking,

because I was thinking to myself, I haven't drank in 20 years, and I do it out of fear. I don't do it because I'm trying to get closer to God or because I think I can be a better person. I just feel like I'm so tenuously close to being an utter failure and living homelessly, even though I've done fine. I've done very well in life. No, you're successful. But the liquor to me, and I think to myself, utter failure and living homeless. I'm living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of

living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of living a life of If I started, I'd be like that guy in the movie. Jeff Bridges was in that movie last year where he was a country singer. Crazy Heart.

Crazy Heart. I'd be that guy. I would be in the hotel locked up drinking all the time because I don't know how to do it a little bit. I would be like your friend. Yeah. My friend Lemmy from Motorhead. But he's functioning at a decent level. Completely.

Number one, i love the idea that i'm friends with lemmy sure we're friends great done um but number two he is a hundred percent functional in fact he is at the point where i think if he wasn't drinking continuously that's when his life would fall apart yeah he is He is, he, I mean, he doesn't speak clearly. He's borderline incoherent, but it's his own personal borderline incoherency. It's not because he's drunk. Like Ozzy Osbourne.

Yeah, exactly. Precisely. He has a working class, he has a working class British accent, and he also is 65 years old and has been shouting for all of his life. And so it just sort of sounds like, and does he work? I mean,

he's, he's in fucking motorhead. He, every, you know, once a year he goes out. Yeah, no,

I think motorhead and motorhead will play like a, like a music festival. Motorhead will play like a, surely, you know, tomorrow's party, a bumper shoot. Yeah.

Yeah. So they get, they're getting big, big paydays. And the guys that have been in motorhead, they've been in motorhead for 25 years it's not the original lineup but it's like the original lineup from like the late 70s early 80s something like that um and uh fucking lemme i mean he's like he's must be 65 because he was in he was in a band, a very influential, actually, like a sort of proto-Prog Rock, like a psychedelic band called, if I remember correctly, Hawkwind, before he was in Motorhead. So he had these two careers.

He got kicked out of Hawkwind because, as they described it in the documentary, while they were all doing hallucinogens, he was doing speed and cocaine. So he was aware of how bad the music was. Yeah, I think so. But, you know, it's a beloved band. I don't know. But he, I'm pretty sure he probably still does a fair amount of speed too.

Yeah. I think he just has reached a point in his life where he's 65 years old uh if he's gonna die he's gonna die and uh you know i'll tell you what he was nice like i said coherent uh clear eyes is probably an overstatement but like you know not bad for a 65 year old in terms of eye clarity it's just it's it's not just unique to rock and roll because i know comedians that are not quite that old but that have been doing blow and drinking for two to three decades and they keep doing it and they keep showing up for shows and they seem to be just the same character they were to be.

I mean, Keith Richards is a perfect example. You know, prolific, enjoying it, having relationships, and not going over the edge, just living right on it. That's actually, by the way, Lemmy's explanation for why he's not a Nazi, despite the fact that his entire home has a Nazi theme. He says, how could he be a Nazi when he's fucked so many black chicks?

Oh, good. The proof is in the pudding, as they say. What? Pudding in this case means lemmages? I think you meant chocolate pudding. The women. Oh, sorry. They're vaginas.

We'll be back with more in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, bully detective. My name, Greg Fitzsimmons. I like it. Yeah.

It's punchy. Yeah. I mean, usually we let people come up with a nickname, but I think my name is Greg Fitzsimmons is kind of, I don't know, to the point. I think my name, Greg Fitzsimmons, is a good, it's a solid nickname. Absolutely. You're not, you know, whale penis or something. That's gauche. All right, fine.

Fitz dog. All right. Yeah. You're going to make fun of me no i i was speaking sincerely okay he lost you know you get the lost felis kind of dry anyway greg fitzsimmons back on board yes he's checked back into the program he's decided to support it again fuck Fuck Fitz Dog. Yeah, fuck it. Fuck it.

Wait, now, I'm not sure. How clean is this show? I get confused. Not clean at all. All right, good. No, it's pretty vulgar. I've been so clean up till now. I just talked about JISM a minute ago.

I talked about Lemmy's JISM, which is about the most unclean thing there is in the world. I would imagine there could be a CSI Lemmy. Each week, you could go into a different part of how destroyed the chromosomes are in his let me kill misters um i would like to uh we talked a little bit about the san francisco giants playoff run on the last program yep um and i realized i i forgot to talk about something that's really important, at least to me personally. Sure. And it's not just the Giants' wonderful song, Bye Bye Baby. It's not just our friend Ashkahn's Don't Stop Believin' cover for the benefit of the San Francisco Giants, which people keep emailing me.

They heard it on like Philly Sports Talk Radio and all over everywhere. So God bless Ashkahn for that. It's not just Giants closer Brian Wilson, who I just saw an interview with him on the Jim Rome Sports Talk Radio show. He apparently wore orange cleats onto the field. And there's a rule that your cleats have to be at least 50% black or white or something like that. rule that your cleats have to be at least 50% black or white or something like that.

It's sort of like the Michael Jordan got busted in his rookie year for wearing all red Jordans. He had to wear black Jordans or white sneakers or something like that. And I saw Jim Rome ask him about that. And he said, so what exactly was the fine for? And Brian Wilson, who's well known for having a mohawk and a big beard, just said, because my feet were too covered in awesome, which was pretty great. But the real thing that I want to bring everybody on board with, folks out there in the Jordan Jesse Go audience know about what you might call my love affair with Boof Bonzer. audience know about what you might call my love affair with Booth Bonser. Booth Bonser was a college draft pick of the San Francisco Giants, later went on to pitch for the Minnesota Twins.

And for a while, we had a lot of discussions of which was better, Booth Bonser or Shia LaBeouf. The Giants have a new starting pitcher. He's pitching as we record this tonight against the Philadelphia Phillies in San Francisco. His name is Madison Bumgarner. Madison Bumgarner. I think you're reaching. You think Madison Bumgarner is a reach?

I do. Yeah, I do. He's a lefty. In what way is it a reach? I don't know. I mean, I feel like we had so much fun with Boof Bonzer. That's such a singular, ridiculous name. And I don't... You think that this is sort of like Gremlins 2, the new batch?

I think it is a little bit. Even if you get Tony Randall to do a voice. Which was hilarious. I just heard, I mean, I know some of of the old timers are not happy with the name Like Dick Butkus was just saying the other day That he felt Dot dot dot And yeah

I don't know I'm saying I will listen to the name a few more times But I was automatically on board With the name Boof Bonzer I'm just saying I don't think we need to try and pull out more ridiculous names. But I'm not pulling it out. Because I know someone named Madison, and I also know someone named Bumgardner.

So I feel like hearing those two names together... You have a Bumgardner. That's what you're trying to say. Yes, I have a butt. So I'm just saying that these don't seem like two foreign names. It sounds kind of funny together. But I have neither heard of anyone named Boof or Bonzer. I'm sorry.

Are nicknames allowed or these have to be your birth name? This is his birth name. Okay. And Boof was his nickname. But when he was in college, he had it legally changed to Boof. Then I have to go with you this is uh unacceptable i mean it has to be because then who knows people are going to hear about this show and sports players ocho cinco changed his name legally right you're going to

consider that absolutely not can i go historical with van lingel mungo? I'm just saying, why do we have to keep talking about funny baseball names? Because the Giants are in the playoffs, Jordan! Yes, I know! It's on TV right now! So? I don't know. Why do... I'm just saying.

Let's not... Let's let it happen organically. Jordan, why are you standing in the way of the Bye Bye Baby Bonanza? I am not. Whatever that thing you want to happen is fine. organically jordan why are you standing in the way of the bye-bye baby bonanza i am not whatever that thing you want to happen is fine but i am just saying we don't need to try and create another meme where one maybe does not necessarily exist you don't think there's a meme in madison bum garner i don't really buster posey i love a weird name okay okay? I have been talking about Jan de Bont nonstop since I remember that the guy who directed Twister's name was Jan de Bont.

I'm on board. This is not a hatred of baseball thing. I'm just saying, if we want to have a weird name we harp on, maybe this isn't it. You don't think it's Madison Bumgarner? I don't really. It's a left-handed starting pitcher. The San Francisco Giants. I can't imagine that's not true. But I don't know.

Was there something you wanted to do with it? I mean, do you want to? I just think about it. I'm willing to hear some. Laugh to myself. Well, I'm not standing in your way. But I'm encouraging people across America To think about it and laugh I'm bringing joy into people's lives

Across America maybe But this show is listened to around the world And I would think people in some countries Might hear Greg Fitzsimmons and think it's the most Ridiculous thing they've ever heard It is pretty ridiculous Are people saying that?

Yeah, that's what people say That's why I'm going with Fitz Dogg from now on. Yeah, you wouldn't want to have a ridiculous name. Not in this business. No. Don't want to start standing out now. Sure. Jordan, have you seen on our message boards right now at MaximumFun.org,

there is a dynamic and growing thread about people learning to love sport. Sport. Not the to love sport. Sport. Not the playing of sport. That's too much exertion there. Sure. It's not for the podcast audience. But the watching of sport. Yes.

Do you think I could get you to like sports? I mean, I often think it would be fun to have a sports team. A lot of the dudes in my office that I like to hang out with sometimes. Are they like Lakers fans? Probably Lakers fans. There's a Philly contingent. Really? There's some guys who dress in Philly stuff and get to watch the Philly game.

Sure. My kind of best buddy at work is a Chargers fan. Have we talked about the Chargers song before on this show? We have, yes Just wanted to check in It's a very funny song Yeah, so there's What else do people really like?

I'll just say If anyone is just checking in now to JordanJesseGo It's very much worth your time to go to YouTube And type in San Diego Superchargers And hear the Chargers theme song Continue Yeah, and I sometimes think it might be fun to join in. And I can appreciate a good sporting event if someone would explain to me why something

is interesting. You know, who the players are, why they... Maybe there's a rivalry, a history, a past. Are they lovable losers? Are they something, something? But I often feel annoying when I ask people to explain that to me. I like a curse. I like a good curse.

Yeah, a curse is great. Greg, are you a sports fan? I have to agree with you. I feel like if there's a crossover element to it, if I'm like Barry Bonds, I mean, if I hear that there's steroids involved, if I hear that the guy, if there's domestic violence, if there's dog fighting. You want a sort of law enforcement angle. I want to root against people, I guess, is what it comes down to. I mean, Michael Vick came on to the Eagles this year and actually did a fine job. And then he got injured, and I felt like we won.

We were cheering for him to get injured. The non-dogfighting enthusiasts of the world have emerged. No, you know what? It's something that I fight with because existentially, I hate jocks. I mean, let me start. I'll get to existential. Jocks were the guys

that used to beat me up. Can you bring it back around to the I Ching by the end? I'm hoping that I can somehow solve a lot of people's problems with war, which I'm all for. Great. If you can look at 11 jocks and find some kind of good cheer in your heart, I can't. They date-raped girls and they beat up me, and now I'm not going to cheer for 11 of them on a field.

And then there's the whole idea that well they're all they're going to leave if they get offered more money from another city so what are you cheering for exactly you're cheering for a color of a jersey there's not even the owners change all the time the stadiums change so but yet yeah i like it was was getting beat up up like a thing that happened to you like was that like real, like a part of your adolescence or your young adulthood? Like, getting picked on meant like some guys going like,

hey, meet me outside the gym after school or something like that? No, I mean, where I grew up, there was just a lot of fighting. Where was it? Where did you grow up? In New York. Okay.

And it was not necessarily me always getting beat up. You were mostly fighting over stickball games. Yeah, stickball. Kick the cans. The only arranged... Well, stickball is very different in New York. It's fast pitch, and you play against a wall of a school.

Old Mr. Wilson's delicatessen. Somebody stole a penny candy. Yeah, but first he'd roll up his sleeves and make a fist and shake it in the air. Oh, who broke my window? There was only one prearranged fight, and there were, uh, there were, like, five or six of us from public school, and there were five or six

guys from the Catholic school nearby. Wow. And we met in an alley. That's, how did that, now how do you, how did the public school kids... Met in the alley, started snapping. Sure. How did the public school kids even come across the Catholic school kids to create that beef? It was a gale. Oh, boy.

So one guy was dating a girl that another guy liked. Was she up on the fire escape wearing a rag around her head and going like, oh. She had a jean jacket with the collar up, yes. Excellent. And penny loafers. And so we met up, and two two guys squared off the two guys that were supposed to do it and i remember cheering for my guy kyle and i remember my friends telling me to shut up because they didn't want it to spill over into six on six because there were no no but there

was nobody there to break it up the key to any real fight is knowing there's a teacher or a cop or you know bystanders to break it but six on six was scary to everybody yeah i feel like maybe we talked about this when uh when mike schmidt the 40 year old boy was on the program i feel like he's been in so many fights in his life it is so foreign to my experience the idea of getting in a fight like i've been i've been in places where there were shootings and i've been you know i've been mugged different ways and one time that guy just punched me in the face for no reason but i've never been in a fight fight i've never like hit someone well you're six what five nine yards 12 foot seven but so people aren't going to necessarily pick on you even though though you don't.

I am kind of gay. But you come off as like the, what was the, in Spy Magazine, Manners Man or something? Uh-huh. Do you remember that? No. It was this great cartoon where he had a steel hanky, and any time somebody was impolite, he would hit them in the head with it, and they'd die. But hey, listen, tip of the cap to Kurt Explodo Anderson, founding editor of Spy Magazine.

Hey, he was the founding editor? Yeah, he and Graydon Carter, who edits Vanity Fair now. Wow. Now the host of Studio 360 and a past Jordan Jesse Go guest. Interesting. So the point is, you carry yourself with a certain aplomb and I think a confidence and you're tall. I am short and skinny and Irish and so it's a horrible magnet for violence. Do you believe in the premise that the Irish are by some sort of nature a belligerent people?

sort of nature of belligerent people. And I should coach this in the context that the closest I ever got to being in a fight was visiting my stepmother's family in Ireland playing rounders, which is roughly equivalent to baseball. Are you sure you weren't just watching rounders starring Matt Damon? I was watching the movie Rounders, now that I think about it. starring Matt Damon? I was watching the movie Rounders, now that I think about it. And I almost got in a fight, and I didn't, I sincerely didn't even understand that I had almost gotten in a fight until I realized, like,

oh, people are about to start being violent to each other. Like, I was, like, 11, and maybe 10, 10 or 11, and I was like, why are people, what happened? Like, how did this all of a sudden become a matter of getting into a fight? You were like a Native American when the first explorers came. Yeah, I was busy marveling at the glass baubles and they were about ready to drop the hammer. They were loading the musket while you were counting out corn pieces.

Corn pieces. Well, you know, I think the Irish come from corn pieces. It's funny. The two things I admire most about Native Americans are, number one, their rich spirituality. Sure. Number two, the way they count those corn pieces. Always an accurate count. No matter how many or how few.

You know, it wasn't until Del Monte they started calling them Niblets. By the way, asterisk. Sure. That's the oppressor's name. Yeah, sure. Well, the Indians called it maize. I think the Irish come from

a long history of oppression from the British, and I think the Catholic Church made us ashamed of ourselves. And I think that we got really pissed, and we still are. All of my stepmother's stories, my stepmother's from Northern Ireland, from Belfast, all of her stories about her childhood involve violence. And she thinks that they're all hilarious. Yeah. from Belfast, all of her stories about her childhood involve violence. And she thinks that they're all hilarious. Yeah. And every one of them terrifies me. Yeah.

I mean, my stepmother is a very, very funny woman, certainly the funniest person in my family. But what she thinks is being just a delightful anecdote, it's always like the time that guy tried to rape her and she kicked him in the balls threw him down a flight of stairs and then her brother kicked the shit out of him until he was bleeding from his eyeballs well think of the early silent movies it really you know the word rape was never used only because they weren't talking but it was always a guy with a seedy mustache like louis tiont right grabbing a woman and her shrieking.

I mean it was attempted rape. And then there was a ball kick and there wasently in my mind in the opening of the video game Kung Fu, you see your girlfriend tied to a chair. She gets taken off. Like that idea of just thinking for the longest time that men just liked to tie women up and keep them in a room yeah like i'm just thinking that like and like and like when a child got abducted you never like as a child you never think like oh they're probably getting raped like you're like yeah they're in a basement being like forced to play or you know like i don't know what because the because the uh the prologue was they were getting candy yeah right how horrible could it in a basement being like forced to play or, you know, like, I don't know what, cause the, cause the, uh,

the prologue was they were getting candy. Yeah. How horrible could it be? The guy at least has given them some candy. Maybe you think that like, Oh, this is just like a, a guy who wants a kid and can't get married or,

you know, something like that. Can we explore the other elements of sort of your childhood worldview that were shaped by nintendo entertainment system games yeah way to nerd up that story oh wow okay i mean we're talking about rape here all of a sudden you're uh playing video games sorry come to think of it donkey kong was probably a rapist an ape rapist yes i mean an apist? I mean, what were those missiles going for? Right? Like that pipe wanted Super Mario to go in it.

That's a kind of rape. No, it's not. Sorry. Going back to kidnapping. Sure. It starts with candy. Then there's a nap. There's a nap in there.

Yeah, a chloroform nap. Well, we didn't know that then. Sure, we just, yeah. I always remember my first understanding of rape, because it was explained this way, was that a man... I'll always remember. Back in a more innocent day. It was a coloring book at the doctor's office. You had to trace lines.

You didn't even understand it was rape until the end and i remember hearing that a man would take a woman's clothes off he'd rip her clothes off and then i just assume it was embarrassing for the woman i didn't know he was just a prankster yes yeah sure well i mean that that was a big problem at the time. Pranks, certainly gadabouts were a big problem. Well, there was roughhousing. Sure. Polesitting. Well, that's where it really got bad.

Apes throwing barrels. An ape who got a hold of an unlimited supply of barrels. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio, sweetheart, Jordan Morris, boy detective. They call me Fitz dog. Who's they.

All right. I call myself Fitz dog. Okay. That's fair. Look, no one calls me America's radio, sweetheart. Certainly no one calls Jordan boy detective. Elvis Costello calls you America's radio, sweetheart. Yeah no one calls Jordan boy detective. Elvis Costello calls you America's Radio sweetheart. Yeah.

Sure. He does. Actually, he's written a lot. A lot of his work has come out of his appreciation of me and my public radio show. Well, he needs a lot of inspiration because he makes two albums a year. So he just needs to look at random people.

And he's a little bit like the John Irving of rock. It's always the same characters there's always like a crying clown you know with john irving there's always a midget and a wrestler and a bear he's just what happens is the deadline comes he's got to have 12 songs for the fucking allison krauss duets album you know he's like great i'm making an album with bernie tall pan i've got my fucking you know like carol king and me i've got our record coming out we got to have some songs on it yeah and i think it's always to me that's always a game of chicken those duet albums because the tony bennett one no he did burt baccarat which was really really good but burt baccarat needed a little fresh air in the room sure and and you know elvis costello

wanted some of the uh one of the standards he wanted some of the credibility of the standards right so it worked but you got to be careful because like with rappers you if you do somebody else's album they could blow up bigger than you so you don't you always want to make sure that you're you're up you're upselling the boss of the that you're upselling yourself. That you're the boss of what's going on, clearly, or that you're working on something that will make you more closer to the person in a good way. You don't want Alison Krauss bringing you down. That's that patented, by the way, Jesse Thorne public radio host eloquence on display in that horrible horrible train wreck of a sentence that just

disaster area of a nonsense string of words can you lay the sound uh the sound effect of a train crashing during that i'll just press this button on my studio 360 i've got a guy who does that change the format of the show to make sure that was on board. It's the most important part of any show. Shit, there was something in my head. You guys. Allison Krauss. Allison Chains. Chained Heat.

Heat Lamp. Lamp. Good night, everybody. No, we're just, look, we're just here. Just saying words. We're having some fun. We got Greg Fitzsimmons here. Greg Fitzsimmons has a new book coming out.

We're talking about first week in November? November 9th, 2010. So it's exactly the inverse of 9-11, 2001. Is that why you picked that? So maybe that'll be an especially lucky day. You think I picked 9-11? Yeah, you picked 9-11-2001. Is that why you picked that? So maybe that'll be an especially lucky day. You think I picked 9-11? Yeah, you picked 9-11. I knew about 9-11.

Well, you had 9-11 on the trifecta. All right. In the third position on the trifecta. After the USS Cole and the subway in Tokyo. Listen, guys, I'm just going to call a drunk asshole I know to describe loose change to us okay great i'm just gonna hold the phone up to a mic sounds like a plan hey jordan while we're on the topic of finally yeah yeah i have a story where that factors in would you guys like to hear it

i would love maybe offer me some advice i would love to offer you some advice. Number one, I would say if you can get into sort of like a strategic position in the organization, you won't have to blow yourself up. And I would also say if you have an alley that you have to pull out of your driveway near, put one of those rounded mirrors so you can see in all directions. Guys, this is great. I'm going to throw one more thing in there. Let's say you buy a used car on Craigslist. You're in Times Square. Don't lock your keys in the car. Sure.

That's my recommendation to you. If you travel a lot, I would go with a synthetic material for your dress shirt. And then you don't have to worry about ironing. The crease will actually stay in the shirt. And let's, I mean, God, this is great. Let's talk facial hair. How much? Well, of course. If I mean, God, this is great. Let's talk facial hair. How much? Well, of course, I'm going to be conspicuous because I'm giving real terrorist advice.

I'd say a bushy beard. Now we're going to have to go to Greg because Greg is giving sincere, thoughtful advice. You have more of a roundish face. So I would work with something that is centered on your chin and avoid mutton chops because I think it will actually give you a fatter face. Oh, okay. You're right. Okay.

So September 11th, Jordan. Okay, well, I was in a costume shop. Number one. Thank God we haven't forgotten. Yes. Go ahead. I was in a costume shop buying costumes for work. Greg, you probably don't know.

I work for a TV show where I often have to wear a funny costume. Price is right? Yeah, I do. By job, I mean I go and try and win the price is right. By price is right, I mean let's make a deal. I mean,

sabado... Sabado gigante? There you go. I almost said sabado elegante. No, sabado gigante, but you know what? how about this? I almost said Sabado Elegante. No, Sabado Gigante. But you know what? That's the Mexican. I'm going to take it one step further. I'm going to go Tutti Frutti Gigante.

Sure. Let's just fuck that up. Yeah. Racist. Anyways... Tutti Frutti Gigante is a real show. Is it? It was, yeah.

Well, I guess I'm racist. It's not as big as Sabado Gigante. Okay. And not as racist as Desmond Tutu. Is Desmond Tutu a racist? Yes. My worldview is destroyed. No, I went to Boston University.

Did he do something really racist? Well, they wanted him to be an honorary degree getter at Boston University, and there was a demographic on campus. There were people that protested about Desmond Tutu coming because he was somehow complicit in apartheid, in their opinion. Really? Yes. Because he was running the Truth and Reconciliation Commission?

Look, so was Winford Mandela. And we know now she's a racist. You know what? I'm sick and tired of these fucking racists. Yeah. I know. Why can't we all just pick one race? Hey, there's a funny name.

Desmond Tutu, Jesse. It doesn't have to be Madison Bumgardner. I met Desmond Tutu once. Yeah? Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Nobel Peace Prize laureate. Did he racial you? Yeah, he did. He racialed me.

He did. I thought maybe if I agreed with that, something would come into my head to say. I wish I could remember why people were protesting him getting this. It had something to do with... Because he did win a Nobel Peace Prize, which is one of the

best prizes you can win. But so did Anwar Sadat. Yeah, and we all know where that went. Speaking of 9-11. Yes. So this is a costume shop. This is in Jesse's neighborhood, Silver Lake. And the woman waiting on me was very, very Silver Lake-y.

This is a girl in her mid-20s, dyed red hair. Are we talking about an Ozzy Dots? Yes, this is Ozzy Dots. Sure. Oh, I guess you should probably drive by it. You probably don't go in a lot. Sometimes, look,

it's right next to the... I'd characterize it as being in Las Feliz, number one. It's right next to the Las Feliz Goodwill, which is where I go when I need to blow off some steam. Sure. You'll just buy a chest of drawers, smash it in the parking lot. I do it by yelling at people who are trying to overcome their past substance abuse issues through hard work and Jesus Christ. Yeah.

I hate those guys. And by past substance abuse, you mean they ran out of yeah exactly um excuse me and um so she's helping me it was a nice experience just checking me out uh bringing me up i mean right um and uh she's kind of making chit chat and she says so uh do you have any plans for halloween i said, so do you have any plans for Halloween? I said, no, I don't have any plans for Halloween. She says, well, I know what my costume is going to be. I'm going as Jackie O with blood all over myself.

Wow. So I'm like, oh, like Jackie O immediately post-assassination. She's like, right. And so I – and she's – and I was like, oh, so do you have someone going as JFK? She's like, no. All my friends think it's kind of – all my friends say it's kind of offensive. And some of them are saying too soon. It's one of our greatest presidents.

Sure. And I said, well, I don't – I mean I'm like I could see offensive but not too soon though. I guess – I'm like I guess it would be too soon if you went as one of the 9-11 towers. And she just automatically looks away from me, and she's like, yeah, I was there on that day. It was horrible. I love this. So I'm the asshole. Yeah.

Anyways, right? Well, also, define there. If you were there, you'd be dead. Right. Right. I'm like, you were If you were there, you'd be dead. Right. I'm like, you were probably in Greenpoint, red hair. Yeah. But. Yeah, that was not to quote Louis C.K. twice in one podcast.

His joke was, they say you can show your humanity by how long it took you to masturbate after 9-11. I jerked off in between the falling of the first and second towers. Sure. And, you know, did Rob Corddry tell that story on Jordan, Jesse Goh about the masturbation and the Twin Towers? I don't know. I don't remember. Rob Corddry had, he may have, I may have heard him tell this story somewhere else. Maybe he told it on The Sound of Young America or something. But he had a roommate whose initials he gave on the show, but I'm not going to give them because

if you know the initials and you know the world of New York comedy circa that time, it's very easy to figure out who it was. And in fact, I just saw this person in a sketch on nick swordsons television show anyway um he he came out after the first impact um wearing a robe with a boner came out into the living room uh rob cordial was there was like hey uh looks like something nightmarishly horrible is happening um then this person, this other comedy person,

excused himself, went back to his bedroom, took care of business, and then came back out to see what all the fuss was about. Really? Yes, truly. He wouldn't give the name. That's why he eventually slipped up and gave the initials and then realized he probably shouldn't have gave the initials and then realized he probably

shouldn't have given the initials because it was too easy to guess well it could be a little bit like jonathan katz's old joke when did i become uh the guy who tells you the guy who just shares other people's jokes jonathan katz had a joke uh i'm sitting in a bar with this guy and uh he says to me what would you do if you knew the world was going to end in like five minutes? And Jonathan's like, I don't know, what would you do? And the guy's like,

I'd just fuck the first thing in sight. What would you do? And Jonathan goes, stay very still. So he doesn't get fucked. Oh, I said the joke wrong. Completely wrong. The joke is, do you edit this thing do you edit this no first fuck the first thing that he said he goes he goes to never mind i'm gonna stick to louis ck jokes yeah those are easier to recount the

first thing that moved yeah yeah yeah and then i. And then I'm going to stay very still. I got it. Can I ask you this question about, I want to ask you this question about cats. Yeah. Have you talked to him before? Many times. Doesn't he have an amazing way, and I want to know if my experiences with him, because I've only talked to him a couple of times, and it's been on the phone. Yeah. It was when he was starting a podcast

uh some years ago now i talked with him on the phone about sort of what the what i sort of gave him some podcasting advice and um he this is was my experience of talking to jonathan katz he did not stop making jokes through our entire, probably hour-long conversation. He also never changed the tone of his voice through that entire one-hour conversation. He was making jokes that were, and I don't mean this as an insult by any means,

but basically nine-year-old type jokes. But what was amazing was that he, in this conversation, I could not tell whether he was making these jokes for my benefit. It seemed like he wasn't because he's a brilliant stand-up comedian, has brilliant jokes in his act, obviously knows what is a joke that will impress someone and what's just a joke that you're amusing yourself with. And I,

I got the impression that what he wants out of life is to say little jokes without changing his tone of voice. Life is a sleepover party for Jonathan Katz. Your parents are in the next room. You have to talk low and you want to make people giggle, including yourself. He is... It was relentless.

Well, to stay with your baseball metaphors, he's the Cal Ripken Jr. of comedy. He's not hitting home runs, but the guy is built to do comedy. He doesn't care what he looks like. He doesn't care really how he does on stage or he would raise his voice, which you need to do to kill right i remember being back i started out doing comedy in boston and worked with him a lot i remember being at the providence comedy connection

which had an inflatable duck on the roof the crowd is all drunk on most of them are uh on outstanding warrants do the drunks ever get drunk and try and steal the duck? The duck was, I remember for a long time, was half full and was falling over the side of the building, much like the patrons. And he has got all of his paperwork and he's doing his Bill Peng on the table in the green room. He could give a shit. He's just amusing himself and luckily others it was one of the oddest experiences and i just imagine myself as jonathan katz's closest friend david mammett uh roommate at harvard yeah just just fucking what a magical world those two guys

must live in david mammett with his with his profanities and his hunting outfits and his uh and his dissecting the differences between different ethnicities of judaism and and jonathan katz with his little jokes his continuous stream of little jokes yeah there's a small core group of those guys bill broadus was part of that and there was a thing called cross comedy in boston which was david cross and jonathan was at that school of cambridge there was a club in harvard square where this cross comedy took place and it was you know janine garofalo and mark maron and david cross and a lot of just really brilliantly jonathan groff just brilliant

funny misunderstood people the nerd you'd call them nerds today back then they were just unsuccessful by that when you say you mean that they were really they were into what led zeppelin pink floyd you son of a bitch no they were listening to the psychedelic furs yeah yeah it was uh there wasn't a lot of money for those guys back then. Jordan, you must have blown... Did you feel, going into that, what are you doing for Halloween? Yeah.

Did you kind of feel like you had a shot at making a connection with this woman at the counter? No, it was all pleasant small talk. Okay. Yeah. Until... Yeah, and I don't know. And I know as, you know, I know as comedy dudes to our other comedy dude friends, it's totally okay to make a joke about 9-11 like that. But, you know, I had a meal that was worse than a 9-11 in my mouth, you know, like... But I was assuming that given her offensive Halloween costume, obviously edgy sense of humor, and her demographic,

I'm not an asshole for that. But for some reason I am. Anyways, who's the asshole? That's a horrible turnabout for you. She is clearly... I think... I'm going to start with this. Anyone who wears a Halloween costume that is trying to be an outrageous Halloween costume starts off basically being an asshole.

I think that is a thing for assholes. for assholes and i'm not saying that because it's so distasteful or something just because it's just shitty it's just a shitty thing to bring into the world right like somebody who like dressed up as oj simpson with like the with like the glove and like a blonde wig in his hand or something like that in 1992 Halloween. Like it's one thing to be the guy that dresses up like Judge Ito. Sure. But it's another thing to be the guy with OJ with a bloody knife. I'm less turned off by that.

I don't think it's funny and I think it's a stand in for clever. That's what I'm – To me that's his – I don for clever. That's what I'm – To me, that's his offense. That's – I don't know. I don't – I don't think – I think you're giving it too much credibility. I don't think they're going for clever. I think they're going for outrageous.

Yeah. No, they think it's funny. That's the problem. That's my problem with it. It's not about how outrageous it is. And, you know, whatever. I'll laugh at a good – breakfast was 9 11 in my mouth joke all night long all night and all day i'll throw in the day too absolutely because you're supposed

to never forget that's just for you craig fitzsimmons um uh but um the the part that bothers me about it is i think probably the thing that bothers me the most in the world is a joke that's not actually a joke. And there's no joke there. It's presented like it's a joke, but there's no joke content. I vastly prefer a lame joke or a shitty joke to something that's presented like it's a joke but doesn't actually have a punchline. It's a fuzzy line.

I'm going to give you three examples. You tell me a joke or not joke. This one's from the E-Champ. This is good. Venice Beach. I see a guy on the fat tire beach cruiser type bike. Sure. Hanging off the back of the seat and dangling are two fake testicles.

Not a joke. I hate fake testicles. Not a joke. I hate fake testicles. I hate it. I hate it. It is the new Calvin peeing on something. I will also say not a joke. Maybe if it was trying,

if the whole bike was designed to look like the bottom half of someone's body. I get that there's balls, but it probably wasn't. Although, to be fair, he didn't say what it was designed to look like the bottom half of someone's body i get that there's balls but it probably wasn't although to be fair he didn't say what it was designed to look like sure anyways i'm gonna go is that right i'm gonna go joke maybe you gotta see it i had to pull over i was laughing so hard and again you got three opinions uh two say nay i say yeah sure did you see is this something you've seen on a rednecks truck before no that's different okay i mean you're talking about like having a ponytail hanging out of the cab of the no i'm talking about the balls on the back of a truck no it was on it was on a bicycle but i'm saying have you seen it on the back of a truck oh no is it out there oh it's that's why

it's not a joke i thought it was completely original the only thing i think it is now that's it is the it is the accessory of someone who a couple years ago would have had like a chevy and calvin is peeing on the ford sign or the trunk with the arm hanging out of it yeah but it's on a bicycle it's a ruder meaner version of arm with a trunk hanging out but yeah but maybe but maybe if i don't know, and I still maybe think it's not a joke, but maybe if this guy, if this Venice Beach fat tire beach cruiser guy is just a, you know, hippy dippy guy, I don't know if it's a little like, hey, look at this one redneck thing I have. Yeah, that almost makes it a joke. I was going to say the one thing that almost makes it a joke to me is that it's on a beach cruiser instead of a redneck pickup truck. Anyway.

Second example. Number two. In the movie Bruno, was that the Sacha Baron Cohen's last movie? The Mexican gentleman on all fours as furniture for Paul Abdul. Joke. Yeah, joke. I have no doubt Joke. Yeah, joke. No doubt about it. Yeah, yeah.

I think joke and I think I feel like I might be the minority loving Bruno. No pun intended? Yes. And yeah, I feel like that and most things in Bruno are great jokes. Yeah, I thought that was so – as person, especially like sort of living in Los Angeles and feeling like a little bit of an outsider. I thought that was basically the most perfect social satire I'd ever seen in my entire life. Like the like the sort of like the sort of class slash race satire of a rich Hollywood person literally using a Mexican guy as furniture.

All right, so we have two yays. I'm going to go nay. The perfect, like a literal dehumanization of a... Let's hear it. You're absolutely wrong, and I'll tell you why. Let's hear the nay. Because the Mexican guys went back to Home Depot after that was shot with probably $50 in their pocket.

And Bruno made a lot of money. And Paul Abdul probably got some positive spin out of it. You know Bruno's not a real guy. Who? Bruno. What do you mean he's not a real guy? Look, I know you didn't know about that. Redneck.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Third example. Okay. Number three. Sorry, I didn't mean to... Third example. Okay, number three. Joaquin Phoenix's last project where he disappeared to...

That's what I think of that. Yeah, I would... If that's actually what he was like, I would be super into it. I think it would have been cool if that's actually what he was like, if he actually did that. As far as I've seen and i'd only seen like his appearance on letterman some stuff he did on kimmel um and i did not see the film so i might be mistaken and if i saw the film my mind would change uh there's there was nothing about it that was anything other than lame and annoying to me.

Well, I put it under the category of Michael Richards using the N-word. If it had worked, it was a calculated risk. And I think in this case, because it did not work, only in hindsight can we say it was not a joke. If we had looked at it on paper and somebody that big, I mean, we're talking an A-lister who was making $10 million plus a movie, said, I'm going to take a dive. We're talking about Joaquin Phoenix still, right? He was an A-lister, no?

I'm going to go B. Oh, B plus. There's a guy making $1 million. Yeah, no, no, I'm going to say I don't think it's a huge, I think high B, low A. Okay. Either way, a lot to lose with a stunt like this. Sure. That's putting a lot of lose with a stunt like this. Sure. That's putting a lot of your chips on the table.

Oscar nomination. My point being, like Michael Richards, if he had scored that N-word joke, because it's not like there's no comedians that use the N-word on stage. Right. If he had gone and pulled it off, like Andy Kaufman, I happen to know people that worked at the comedy clubs back then, and they say, you know what? 97% of the time, that shit was annoying, boring, and not funny.

It's the story about it that's genius. Right, right. Of course. So I think... That's a good point. But you're going joke with this? I'm going to go... No, you're going to say failed joke.

I'm saying failed joke, great concept. Yeah, but no... But what's the concept's the concept the concept explain to me what the joke that they were going for was him just acting like an asshole what if a guy that wasn't an asshole acted like an asshole and put one over on us well i don't i think asshole by our definition of what a hollywood celebrity should do uh-huh he didn't like dave chapelle he didn't follow the script. The average American who's making, you know,

25 grand a year sees a guy who's being offered 50 million, turning it down, the guy's an asshole. But in Joaquin Phoenix's world that he lives in, where he's probably got more money than he'll ever, the guy grew up in a commune,

he's not a materialistic dude. His brother died, he's a weirdo. That money doesn't mean anything to him, but the concept of faking your own death career-wise was compelling, and he went for it. I got to tell you, there's one part of it that I think might be at the core of my objection.

I don't like the idea of somebody trying to trick David Letterman. Let Letterman do his thing! Wasn't Letterman in on it, though? No. Didn't it come out that Letterman was in on it? No, it came out that Kimmel was in on it, but Letterman wasn't. Yeah, but that's, you know what?

The old David Letterman, his favorite moment in the world was Andy Kaufman getting into a fight with the, who was the world wrestler guy he had on? Jerry Lawler. Jerry Lawler. I mean, Letterman didn't know about that. You could see it on the videotape. And Letterman would put that as one of his top moments in the history i had this experience i think it was bad it might have even been and again i'm sure letterman was fine with it because letterman got big headlines out of it the joaquin one yeah but my point is you're protecting letterman

now you're saying it's not fair he didn't know but but that's where good comedy comes from as a host yeah should you be that in control kind of even a little bit of an homage to letterman even if it was a failed one and a shitty one it was like hey i know that letterman is the thing to do this on because of his history of tricks and weirdos and and he fucking i mean that in that interview is fun to watch because of how hilarious letterman is so anyways this is this is the thing that it reminds me of it's a and this happened to me a year ago i may even have talked about it on this show you know you're like you see a guy that's got like a cup or something it wasn't a cup it was like a book or something like that on top of his driver's side door and you roll down your window and say, you've got a book up there. And he goes,

ah, gotcha. Yeah. What is the gotcha there? Yeah. Like you caught me trying to help you. That's the same guy that records calls to a Chinese restaurant where he makes fun of them because English isn't their first language and they're busy. Yeah. I don't know. I didn't care for it. I didn't care for it. But like I said, I'm going to reserve judgment to some extent because I didn't see the film and also because I have an irrational need to defend David Letterman.

We're going into overtime because it's been split so many times. Number four. Okay. Okay, this is gonna be it. Lottery ticket. Scratch it. You won a million dollars. Or did you? America's Funniest Home Videos. You've seen it, right? No. They give people a fake lottery card.

Then you videotape them celebrating them winning a million dollars., then you videotape them celebrating them winning a million dollars, and then you tell them that it's fake. I don't like pranks when... The thing that I like about Sacha Baron Cohen and that I like about Bruno and Borat is... And I'm not saying that there's not exploitation in those movies, et cetera, et cetera. I think those are reasonable to say. But everything that he does is a joke with a premise.

And it's about something. And the thing that it's about isn't just, you know, we fuck this guy good. It's a deserving victim. It's either, well, it's not, it's, it's mostly not necessarily, it's sometimes it's about the victim,

but mostly it's about the joke. Like there are, there are times, you know, like the, like the part in, like the, the part in,

um, uh, in, uh, the gay one. Which one's which? Bruno. Bruno. Like the part in Bruno with, that was Bruno where they had Ron Paul.

Yes. Like, look, I could not have less time of the day for fucking Ron Paul, that fucking asshole. Sorry, internet nerds, don't email me. I'm just going to gonna delete it so it depends on who it happens but but like no no seriously but i i could have i could not care less for ron paul and just that whole thing but there wasn't really the only bit in that one was him being a dick to ron paul and I felt the same way actually about the, um,

about the one where he went out with the hunters. Um, I sort of was like, well, what's the joke here? The joke is just that he's being a dick to some hunters and the hunters are made uncomfortable by the fact that he's being horrible to them. Yeah.

And I think in the ones that work, the victim comes towards the bait the bait that the hammer doesn't come at them like the kid the parents that are willing to put their kids in nazi outfits yeah the parents had to meet them halfway for the joke to work whereas ron paul he's trapped in he's just trying he's trying to do a good thing you know or at least his job yeah no he's trying to do a good thing there's no doubt or at least his job. Yeah, no, he's trying to do a good thing. There's no doubt about that. I don't think the man's evil. And he's being punished for it.

So the joke doesn't work as well as, you know, somebody who's going to, like on the Winnebago. If they hadn't talked racist, there would have been no joke. It would have been cut out of the film. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second With more very very serious distractions When we come back Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you

Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you It's Jordan Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne, America's, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you It's Jordan Jesse Goe. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective.

Gregory Sebastian Fitzsimmons. Look, we've got... Look at this. We've got a... What's that called? Sponsor. Yes. Somebody sent us some money.

A DVD afternoon. We talked about it last week. Hopefully you went out and listened. If you didn't, this is your opportunity to do it. week. Hopefully you went out and listened. If you didn't, this is your opportunity to do it. Some young people. They're from Canada. They don't have a lot going on.

I'm not going to lie to you. I've been to Edmonton, where they live. I met them there. Frankly, it's a wasteland. But that maybe makes them great people to recommend DVDs to you. They're basically the greatest because the lady, it's a gentleman named Paul and a lady named Heather. The lady named Heather is, I'm going to presume, the cute lady behind the counter at the cool video store. And they will recommend DVDs to you. Maybe not so much in the new release category, but maybe in the crazy reissues

and the Criterion Collections and the whatnots. Yeah, sure. Your direct-to-DVD film. This is how somebody will tell you to go watch Adam Carolla's movie. Sure.

A movie that basically went direct-to-DVD. You might have missed it in theaters, but worth your time. Hammer. The Hammer. The Hammer.

The Hammer. Did you ever see Carolla's movie? I did not. You know what? I recommend that you watch it. I look forward The Hammer. Did you ever see Carolla's movie? I did not. You know what? I recommend that you watch it. I look forward to it. I just got the Netflix hooked up to my TV. Oh, that's fun.

It's a fun and funny movie. Well crafted. Not a lot of surprises. But I laughed a lot at it. Chris Henchey wrote it, correct? Yeah, I think he and Carolla wrote it together, maybe. Yeah, I think so. It's basically about Carolla.

There's no, like, I mean, it's like, what if Carolla had never become a famous person? Yeah. That's sort of the premise of the show, the film. It was very funny. Enjoy it. Well, anyway, DVD Afternoon, the name of the podcast. You can look it up in your Information Tunes computer device and get it for free. And if you want to sponsor a future Jordan Jesse Go, it's $100 for a personal message, $150 for a commercial message on an episode of the show.

Just email Teresa, our development director at Teresa at MaximumFun.org. T-H-E-R-E-S-A. Jordan Jesse Goeim, Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective.

Fitzsimmons, Greg Fitzsimmons. It's fun having Greg Fitzsimmons here, huh, from Fitstock Radio. He's the author of Dear Mrs.

Fitzsimmons. That's correct. I read the fucking thing. I know. I don't remember what the name of it is. You're one of the

first people to read it outside of the people that were making money from reading it. A very enjoyable book full of various documents documenting the many mistakes that Greg Fitzsimmons has made in his life. Well, I wouldn't call them all mistakes. I would call misinterpretations in some cases. As a comedian, your job is really to always do the opposite of what people expect so in certain gigs like corporate events which there's one of those in there i did a show for the american rectum rectum and colon so something like that and the instructions were to not make any jokes about rectums and colon and i made jokes about

any jokes about... Rectums and colons. And I made jokes about assholes. Okay. Yeah, so I was even worse than the instructions. And there's a lot of... They're like, oh, you could say asshole, just don't use the clinical term. Yeah, exactly.

And not like they hadn't heard every asshole joke, which is probably more of the directive was just an originality issue more than a censorship. It's novel to you to be talking to a bunch of asshole doctors and that's what's great about the asshole doctors not the ones that are assholes but that work with them is if you've had you guys have not had your your rectums probed yet but uh when you turn 40 you lose your virginity back there and they have a joke each of these doctors has maybe two three

jokes but you have put it up the butt material yeah like look to like put you at ease exactly i won't even repeat the one my doctor said because even to us it's trite and as a comedian when the doctor tries to do that i just want to go hey man you want me to man, you want me to put a finger up your ass since you're a doctor? Don't tell me a joke. Yeah, and because I'm a comedian, I have a different bar for humor, so you're going to have to say, it looks like 9-11 up there to make me laugh, doctor. Sorry. Yeah, so the point being, they're not mistakes as much as the constant misinterpretations of comedic intent starting at a young age. I mean, as a kid, some of the letters you read were jokes I made in class, and teachers would write down word for word what I said. And those are the best, because I'd be at the dinner table, and my father would read the letter to us, like take it out of the envelope.

Sure. So he hasn't even read it yet. Sure. And one of them is about, I was teaching proportions and I said this is the first position, second position, et cetera. Greg then called out,

are there any other positions? Is there a 69 position? In quotes. So now my parents are laughing. I'm laughing. It's funny. And I go back to school with a better or worse attitude. I think better. Yeah. I'm laughing. It's funny. And I go back to school with a better or worse attitude.

I think better. Yeah. I think better. You're a winner. Go back with a winning attitude. I got support at home, which is what they say is the foundation of education. Yeah. Absolutely.

I read it. I read the book. I enjoyed the book. Greg and I recorded an interview that will be airing in about a month or so on The Sound of Young America. It's a really wonderful interview. Also a very touching book. Oh. A very touching book.

I get that you kind of have a soft spot. I get that from our brief interaction. You look like a baby. You look like your skull hasn't closed. Yes. I have a very, very sensitive side, and I cry a lot. And I feel a lot like a woman. People can hear that in your voice.

Yeah, I feel like a woman. It wavers. Your voice wavers. Like a baby, right? No, I'm Irish. Irish people are really very sensitive people. We are, you know, our relationship to our mothers. You'll sing Danny Boy at the drop of a dime.

Four Green Fields? Sure. Why not? Go to town. Yeah, I mean, not even the fighting songs. I'm talking about the mother whose boy was lost in the trouble songs. Those are mine. So I think comedy is natural for people that feel as much as I do.

I wonder if my stepmother has one of those songs about the time her sister tried to take her piece of bacon and she stabbed her in the hand with a fork and drew blood. Well, I mean, Johnny Cash rolling around in a boy named suit, rolling around in the mud and the blood and the beer. You know, one minute you're being, you know, what is the word, emasculated. And the next you're rolling around in the mud and the blood and the beer. One goes hand in hand. They're two sides of the same coin, I'd say. Comedy tragedy. Yeah.

Isn't that beautiful, Jordan? It kind of was. Greg and I have just gotten really deep. Yeah. I don't mean to leave you out of the whole thing. I'm not as sophisticated as you two. And I don't have as many emotions. Look. out of the whole thing. I'm not as sophisticated as you two. And I don't have as many emotions. Look, you do seem like somebody that does

but has been very successful at being funny and nerdy and sort of interesting. But I think underneath there is a very soft, childlike person. I do like Legos. He's pretty soft. Is he? I'm unfit. Is that what you mean?

I'm not fit. Yeah, and I mean, I am too. I'm not putting you down. I'm sure you hear this all the time. Patton Oswalt. Yeah, that comes up. Yes. Maybe more often Jack Osborne, which I don't care for as much because he's terrible. Sorry about that. That's okay. But the Patton Oswalt sort of for as much because he's terrible sorry about that that's okay

but the patten oswald sort of balances it out because he's so cool and yet so your style of nerd is cool right yeah so he owns it and he's very knowledgeable and interesting and funny about it so yes i i definitely admire him a lot greg fitzsimmons has used the e-ching to look into your soul yeah did you phase the guy who did the voice for ratatouille that's what lives inside me hey we'll be back we're celebrities we'll be back in just a second i'll join jesse go Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hi, Greg Fitzsimmons.

Greg Fitzsimmons, the host of FitzDog Radio. You can get it in your iTunes. He's also the author of Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons, which is going to make a great holiday gift to your favorite comedy fan Irish person school teacher not school teacher

who is this inappropriate for? high school high school prom comedy booker I will perform at any event, apparently. I did a high school prom show, and it didn't go well. I have also done a high school prom show.

And it was awful. Really? Absolutely. Where was it? This was in, oh God, somewhere near Santa Cruz that was like an hour away from Santa Cruz. Not even San Jose. Anyways. Did you get, how did you, did the Crow's Nest book you into that or something?

Yeah, you know, we, I did a little bit of stand-up comedy in Santa Cruz where we went to college. And there was somebody out there who was recruiting comics to do, like, bars and restaurants that had comedy nights. Yeah. And, yeah, I did a prom. Wow. There's no, there's no way to gauge the tone. Because comedy's all tone. You know, how outlandish, how edgy.

High school kids, even those prom night, there's no edge. They want carrot top. Sure. You know, fucking high schoolers. Yeah. So I guess the take home here is, if you're out there, you're in high school, go fuck yourself. Suck on a muffler. Sure.

Jesus, that seems harsh. I mean, I... My own brother is in high school. Oh, good. Suck on a muffler. Sure. Jesus, that seems harsh. I mean, I... My own brother is in high school. Oh, good. He's a sweet young man. Okay. Because I date a lot of women. Sure.

Yeah, sorry. We don't want to squash Greg's game. If they want to suck on something, not a tailpipe. Yeah. Probably like a Greg Fitzsimmons dick. Well, I'm just saying it's cleaner. It's better for the environment. Right.

Fewer emissions. Some emissions. Both get tested once a year. But you're buying carbon offsets. At Jiffy Lube. That's where you do your STD test. That lift hurts so much. I know.

Well, it was a joy and a pleasure to have you. Thank you kindly. It's a good hang. Thank you. Can't wait for the soup. We'll be back next week on Jordan Jesse Go. Our theme music Love You by The Free Design, courtesy

of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. You can find us online at MaximumFun.org. I recently talked to somebody who had never heard the sound of Young America, only knew about Jordan Jesse Go. What is that all about? I don't know. Look, if you're not dipping your toes in the waters of each of the Maximum Fun Look, if you're not dipping your toes in the waters of each of the Maximum

Fun podcasts, if you're not spending some time with our Canadian brothers and stop podcasting yourself, if you're not enjoying the sketch comedy of Casper Hauser, hey, listen, you're basically a high schooler to me. Yeah, you know what? Don't even let them go. Don't let them go to the

Sound of Young America. Don't let them. No. Fuck them. Who needs them? Hey, if you live in New York City and you're listening to this immediately upon its release, this will probably go out on, as we record this, it's Wednesday night. We have a show on Friday night. The show is sold out. However, we're going to have a meetup immediately after the show at 9 o'clock on Friday night at a place called the I-In.

I think it's called the I-In. I hope I'm not making that up. All the details are on the website at MaximumFun.org. The address is – it's called the Ear-In. Excuse me. The Ear-In. It is the oldest bar in New York City, or at least claims to be. Oh, it is.

Yeah, McSorley's and the Ear Inn are the two oldest. 3.26 spring between Greenwich and Washington, 9 p.m. on Friday night. Come join us whether or not you got in to see the show. And The Sound of Young America Live is going to be streaming on Friday night on the Greenspace website. We'll put up a link at MaximumFun.org. The show is at 7 p.m. Eastern, the show is at 7. P.M. Eastern 4. P.M.

Pacific, uh, and features, uh, we're talking about less savvy fav. We're talking about Baratunde Thurston. We're talking about, we're talking about, uh,

Madison Bumgardner, Judah Friedlander. Um, we're talking about, uh, a young woman named amy sedaris wow possibly the funniest person in the world if you ask me um all on that show and uh so yeah tune in either online or in person in new york city we'll see you there um i'm sure that meetup by the way

is going to be another great jesse thorne meetup how's your meetups going, Jordan? Bide your time. How's your meetups going? You had some cool meetups so far. It's ruminating. Jesse, I only need one. Sorry, no calls. I only need one. Sorry, no calls this week. We had some trouble with the CD.

The new intern burned it wrong. I'm not going to lie to you. 206-984-4FUN is the telephone number to call. And also, on our forum this week, lots of cool entries into the King of Children contest. We scanned them all,. And also on our forum this week, lots of cool entries into the King of Children contest. We scanned them all, put them up on the forum.

So forum.maximumfund.org to check out the entries. And if your kid wants to enter, the mailing address, 1553 Silverwood Terrace, Los Angeles, California, 90026. And you can also email them to jjgoe at maximumfund.org.

That's enough shit, right? Yep, plenty. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go.