Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 151: Car Accident with Gene O'Neill

Episode Date: November 1, 2010

Big Time Gene O'Neill joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about elaborate ruses.  We also talk with Ashkon about his San Francisco Giants anthem Don't Stop Believin'.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan. Jesse. Go!

Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, Jesse, go. We're joined by our old friend, big time, Gene O'Neill. And another old friend, Ashkahn, who's got a smash viral video in support of the San Francisco Giants. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Big time, Gene O'Neill. A man who needs no introduction. Past co-host of The Sound of Young America. Very healthy. Very fit. Regular cyclist. Cut. Would you say you're cut?

I don't know. Do you want me to take my shirt off? Oh, do I? I just assumed that you were cutting. Like, you were like, cut. No, we got to do this over again. No, cut, guys. No.

Bigger. More. I thought you meant, like, in my emo when I cut myself. Yeah. Yeah. He is a cutter. A lot of people don't know that. Also throws a cutter to compliment his four-seam fastball.

I think we did all the cutters. Yeah, I think that's all there is. No, let's sit here for five minutes. See if we can think of at least one more. Oh, leaf-cutting ants? Yeah, sure. Sure, he's also a leaf-cutting ant. Yeah.

Oh, I'm one of the cutters from Breaking Away? Yeah, absolutely. I don't know what that is. It's a bicycling movie. Long story. Yeah. Great to have you here, Gene. It's great to be here.

How are things in North Hollywood, California? Oh, man. How aren't they? Sure. Did you guys have a fun Halloween holiday? Well, I had one of my patented Halloween observations I thought I would share. Oh, I'd love to hear a Halloween observation. I've been looking around.

It seems to happen about the same time every year. Around the 1st of November. Have you guys noticed that women's Halloween costumes are always sexy versions of something, like sexy cop or sexy cat? I mean, what's next? Sexy mailbox? I know that's astute, and you guys probably hadn't heard that from everyone. That probably is next, now that you mention it.

Yeah. I mean, because it tracks with the regular, and I've seen a lot of regular mailbox. Yeah. Standard, unfuckable mailboxes. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like everybody just goes on that jag every Halloween about. I know.

I feel like this is, we're basically at year 10 of this. Yeah. I say at this point, we've all observed this. Yeah. Why not just enjoy

the sluttiness? I don't know. Were you slutty something? Yeah, yeah, I was. I mean, you're pretty sensual just in general. Sure. I think our lady

listeners will agree not slutty and some of our gay male listeners uh if i remember correctly sure but no i won't just give it up you know you're not easy uh no i'm i can be a tease really yeah if i don't get what i want sure yeah and why wouldn't yeah i um uh i feel like we i have gotten to the point uh in my life where i no longer participate in halloween which is aided and abetted by the fact that uh for some reason uh i we get literally zero trick-or-treaters i have not had a trick-or-treater here in Los Angeles in the four years that I've lived here. And I do not understand it at all. Before, I just thought it was because I lived in

what you might call an urban neighborhood. But now I live in basically exactly the kind of neighborhood that, in my mind, children would be targeting for trick-or-treating like where like this is where you're getting full-sized bars yeah like where you go to one like you go to your neighborhood but then you're like when you're 10 you and you've got a plan you're like oh but this is the neighborhood we've got to hit sure because it's like all like it's all sort of like upper middle class white people and many of them have kids, and many of them don't, and seem like there's a lot of 38-year-old gay couples. That's who you want to get candy from.

Sure. Because they like kids, but they don't have them. I bet there's some house where every 10th kid gets an iPod shuffle. Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure there's somebody handing out nanos right now. Man, what are we doing here? We should be trick-or-treating in this neighborhood. Yeah, guys. Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure there's somebody handing out nanos right now. Man, what are we doing here? We should be trick-or-treating in this neighborhood. Yeah, guys.

Oh, my gosh. Is that... Let's put our shoes on our feet and grab some pillowcases. I heard a radio advert... Between the shoes. I heard a radio advertisement for going trick-or-treating in the mall. Is that a real thing? Yeah, that's a thing.

Yeah, Gene, you... I don't know. Growing up in North Hollywood, where did you trick-or-treat? Well, I didn't grow up in North Hollywood. I grew up in Sherman Oaks. Oh, excuse me. Just to be clear. Excuse me.

Yes. Point of clarification. A subtle but huge geographical difference. I feel like I just called a Sunni a Shia. Yeah. Yeah, I grew up in Sherman Oaks, which was a great trick-or-treating neighborhood. uh yeah i grew up in sherman oaks which was a great trick-or-treating neighborhood oh i bet sherman oaks has a lot of like uh dad who goes all out and makes haunted house yeah and like a lot of full candy bar distributions and the people who leave the bowl of candy that suggests please

take one which come on i know you're taking two or three yeah at least uh but i did the mall thing actually one year with a friend and uh was that it was pretty bountiful was that pre was that a pre-game or was that your whole trick-or-treating experience at the mall pre-game like like did you go to the mall like a warm-up yeah i mean this was earlier this afternoon like before you go out like you pre-game at your house by sniffing glue oh right right right yeah you get you get trashed and then yeah you go to the mall and trick-or-treat yeah first you huff and then you stuff that's what they say stuff your bag full of candy yeah the mall is good if for going like for uh you can do multiple laps at the mall oh i see yeah you probably You go to the costume shop,

buy a new costume, and then do another. No, same costume, whereas you can't pull that. I tried that in my own neighborhood once, and those savvy adults, like, oh, you again. It occurs to me now that...

You again, nude Charles Manson. Maybe I should have picked a less conspicuous costume. It seems a little bit too bold. I think I actually did have a couple of trick-or-treaters over the years, but I think they were all surly teenagers. Yeah. But I was at the point where we had bought candy,

because my wife, Teresa, won't let me not buy candy. Sure. Just because she just believes in the power of uh holidays and love and if somebody does come you'll probably like give them like free promo books that you get for yeah for potential interviews that was my plan just handing out advanced readers copies of of the new salman rushdie novel um uh and so we have candy and so even when like a 15 year old comes to your door and he's just wearing a spider-man t-shirt uh i was just grateful just absolutely grateful jordan did you did you get did you get you you lived in uh you lived in in west hollywood uh for several

uh halloween still do uh Yeah, no, I have not. In my whole time being in L.A., and I was in Silver Lake for a while, no trick-or-treaters there, and yeah, in my whole time in West Hollywood, and not a single one. I feel like that should be public information. You should be, you should,

when you are applying to rent a place, you should know whether it's trick-or-treat friendly. Sure. Yeah, it should be in the lease. I want to see the little kids in their funny costumes. I feel like I'm getting cheated. You know where you go? You go like in the Hasidic neighborhoods.

Really? Yeah, buy a house there. Yeah, yeah. Do Hasids celebrate Halloween? I don't know. I was, but that's in my little bit of... Then what is this advice based on? This is based on me driving through a Hasidic neighborhood on the way here. And you're like, I bet they're trick or treating. Okay.

I, you know, I feel like when I drive through a Hasidic neighborhood here in Los Angeles, and there are a couple of them, it's really, it's really disconcerting to me, not so much because you see, you know, like men with four locks and that kind of thing but rather because you see uh people in public just walking down the street like not in a store or a mall see families with strollers yeah exactly like participating in public life talking to other people on the sidewalk walking around and then you oh, yeah, that's just because they can't drive a car right now. Because it's Saturday. That's what it's about.

Eating gross lemon cookies. Something else they're doing. Wait, is that something that Hasids do? I don't know. I feel like every time I go to a Hasidic bakery. They're just eating lemon cookies? No, I feel like I get a cookie. I'm like, God, all this shit tastes like lemon.

I don't mean to call it shit. I don't mean to sound religiously intolerant, but I feel like all that stuff tastes like lemon, and it's gross. How would you compare it? I've spoken ill of Mexican bakeries on the program before. Okay. And someone called in,

somebody emailed me the other day about, I talked about this four or five months ago. I got nothing but positive feedback. But this guy, this guy emails me. He says, well, what about empanadas? Yeah, I'm talking about Mexican bakeries, not Salvadorian bakeries. Give me a break. What an idiot.

They do have some empanadas in Mexico, but it's not a regular thing at a Mexican bakery. You're talking about those shitty mealy sugar cookies. That's what you're looking at in a Mexican bakery. Pan dulce. Oh, God. Pan dulce. God, it's gross. So fucking gross.

Yeah, the Hassids and the Mexicans can all get together in a big boat and eat a bunch of gross cookies. I won't be there. But I hope the boat comes back safe. I really do. I hope it doesn't sink. But I hope the boat comes back safe. I really do. I hope it doesn't sink. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jesse

Gutt. It's Jordan Jesse Gutt. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan you. Love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I am big time Gene O'Neill. Great to have big time Gene O'Neill back here, huh? Yep. And just in the nick of time, because I have received a package.

Jordan, I have received a package. You don't want to hear about your mail order insulin, Jesse. You're a diabetic. Big deal. I gotta deal with my diabetes. Shut up! Look at this lovely card I received. It looks like some England,

like London, England or something like that. JJ Go. That's me and you, but I'm also going to include you in it, Gene. Thank you. The include you in it, Gene. Thank you. The G in Go is for Gene. I'm glad that our sadness could be your gladness. Good luck, Giants.

Oh, thanks, Kendall. Kendall sent us a nice box. And guess what's inside the box, my friend? Oh, this is in response to something we talked about last week, where we talked about the people from Philadelphia, because they lost to the Giants, should send us some Philadelphian delicacies. And again, I think this is, it's in the tradition of often when two teams meet in the Super Bowl, the World Series, the playoffs, the mayors will make a friendly wager, offering one of their signature products if uh uh if the

other team wins um and receiving one of the other team's city's uh signature products if their team wins i miss the days when mayors would bet each other's wives i know it was a lot more exciting then um or their or their signature super villains um yeah. Like, like a Lex Luthor. Yeah. Like when Gotham fought Metropolis in the Superbowl. Yeah, exactly. Lex Luthor V Joker.

Now here's the thing. My San Francisco, there's two issues with this in, for us. One is that my San Francisco giants are big time underdogs and have been in each of their series. And so I don't feel comfortable making a one-to-one bet as much as I love the Giants and as amazing as this run has been. It's not smart money. No, it's not smart money. And if there's anything I know,

it's gambling. So number one, I'm not making any one-to-one bets. And also, speaking of one-to-one bets, I am one person, and we have tens of thousands of listeners. So my concern— Is there a famous podcaster from Houston? Is that who— Well, here's the thing. I could and should have bet with our friend Mike Schmidt, who, while he is not from Philadelphia, Mike Schmidt, who, while he is not from Philadelphia, grew up a Phillies fan because he shared a name with a guy who, when he first found out about him, was in the minor leagues,

but went on to become one of the greatest third basemen of all time, Mike Schmidt, who played his whole career with the Phillies. So Mike is genuinely a huge Phillies fan, and for a great reason, I think. I think that's really neat. I think it's neat that he first heard about him and decided to become a Phillies fan when he was like a little kid and Mike Schmidt was in the minor leagues in the late 70s.

But we didn't get that together. I should have gotten that together. Oh, well, I was talking about for this World Series. For the World Series, I don't know. Who are the Giants playing, Houston? Do they have podcasts in Texas? I don't know. I know they have Brush that needs clearing.

Sure. Yeah. I know that from our last president. They have Rhodes. They do have Rhodes. I'm reasonably confident of that. Yeah. You know what?

I've been to Texas, and I don't remember any podcasts. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't see any when I was there. Yeah. Well, so anyway, I guess it's possible that there's a Houstonian out there who's a big Texas Rangers fan. No, a Dallas-er. Is that what a person from Dallas is called? A Dalatian?

A Dalatian. Dalmatian. There may be a Dalmatian out there. A Dullard. Who is from Dallas and wants to bet me. But my concern is there's too many listeners and we don't know who the podcasters are who are from there.

Right? I mean, we just don't know. Sure. That's just the reality of the situation. There's no way to find out. There's no way to find out where people are from. You can't just type in what podcasters are from Dallas into iTunes. Can we Google where are people from? That is a good solution. Oh, after that, can you Google what is this?

Because I've been wondering that for a while. So this is the solution that I came up with for this problem. And it is a problem. Wear me food. The solution is that if the Giants win, the team that the Giants defeat, the people of that city who listen to our program send me their signature product.

And if their team wins, I do nothing. I just drop it. And luckily, so far, the Giants have won, and the Giants just beat the Phillies in the National League Championship Series. And Philadelphia's signature product, of course, is Tasty Cakes, the regional delicious snack cake made by the Tasty Cake Corporation, and only available and popular in Philadelphia, where I'm guessing they just don't have any better choices.

So we got this whole box, thanks to kendall we got a whole box of tasty cakes on top were a couple of uh chew it's peanut chews uh that's a bite-sized chewy pieces loaded with peanuts um that's distributed by just born incorporated of bethlehem pennsylvania philadelphia of course is a city in Pennsylvania. Oh, okay. So that makes sense. So that makes a lot of sense. Nothing fishy so far.

And we got these tasty cakes. Your story stacks up. We got these tasty cakes. Let's see what we got here. We got peanut butter candy cakes. Hey, I'm already on board with that. I should clarify, tasty cake is spelled with a K. And so is candy and cakes. Because it was originally started

by members of the KKK. Exactly. We got, of course, some... Oh, look at this. We got some jelly crimpets. So that's great. Sounds like a disease. I guess a jelly crimpet...

These are sort of... How would you describe what that is? Well, it's just a crimpet. These are sort of... How would you describe what that is? Well, it's just a crimpet, right? Everybody knows what a crimpet is. Yeah, I mean, imagine a crimpet and just add jelly. Right. And, of course, we also have butterscotch crimpets here. Which crimpet are you most excited about, Jesse?

I'm most excited about the butterscotch crimpet. I'll tell you why. I had to give up chocolate because of my migraines, and now I'm really into butterscotch and caramel because they're the most chocolate-like things that aren't chocolate. Man, I didn't have to give up chocolate for any reason.

Hey, Gene, high five. Can you eat carob? Not that carob is close. Well, can I eat carob? Or would I eat carob? Sure. Can you? I can eat carob or would i eat carob sure can you i can eat carob and in fact i will from time to time eat a tofutti cutie which i believe is made with carob okay but they do a good job of disguising the carob in that tofutti cutie i find a tofutti cutie to be actually a pretty tasty snack uh despite the fact that i'm in general against both things made of tofu that shouldn't be

and also things made of carob. Yeah. No, Tofutti Cutie does a good job. Yeah, it's a pretty tasty treat, right? Simulating an ice cream sandwich. Yeah. And hey, guess what? I've got good news for you guys because we've also got some cream-filled chocolate cupcakes.

Cream-filled chocolate cupcakes. I feel like we should try these and chew them loudly into the microphones. Oh, now you're talking. Yeah, so what do you guys want? For a long period of time. Oh, I want to try the peanut butter one first. You want to try the peanut butter. Okay, here's some peanut butter candy cakes for you. Gene, do you want to try it?

What kind of cream? I'll do the chocolate. Okay, I'm going to hand you this chocolate. Jordan, I'm going to ask you to go first here as we open these up. I'm so happy. It's so nice of Kendall to send us these. And I think some other people may actually have emailed me that they're sending them.

So pretty soon I'm going to be... In the Pee Wee Christmas special, there's this scene where he keeps getting fruitcakes in the mail, and then he has these big, almost naked muscle men building an addition to his house out of fruitcakes. I think I may be building an addition to my house out of fruit cakes um i think i may be building in

addition to my house out of tasty cakes this is solid yeah what now you're having the caramel crimpet uh no this is the peanut butter oh peanut butter cake i'm having butterscotch crimpet okay um how's that candy cake i'm sorry you don't you don't need to speak into the microphone when your mouth is full that's the last thing we want to do. Yeah, God forbid. Yeah, it's good. It's just a little cake. It's got a little spread of peanut butter on top. Not too much.

Covered in chocolate. Solid. Are you at all, and be honest with me, are you at all disappointed that no one has offered to send us any Philly cheesesteaks? Oh, yeah. I was maybe even going to ask about that. What would be the best way to transport a Philly cheesesteak? In my stomach. I was maybe even going to ask about that. What would be the best way to transport a Philly cheesesteak?

In my stomach. Yeah, right? That's probably the best. What's the best way to get a Philly cheesesteak from the world to the toilet? Gene, how's your chocolate cupcake? It's really good. It's like a Hostess

cupcake, but doesn't have the chemical-y aftertaste. Really? Yeah. They claim to be baked fresh. Yeah, it tastes like it's baked and not like a gelatin. Yeah, right. Yeah, but the Hostess cupcake seems like it was molded somehow. I'm going to try.

Do you mind if I try my crimp it here? No. Do you think this is at all related to crumping? Oh, shit. Gene's knocking my entire bookshelf over. Yeah, well, I mean, take a bite and see if it makes you want to crump. Or clown dance. He's doing it!

Oh, my God! He's doing a perfect crump dance. Uh-oh. No, he's just having an epileptic seizure. Should have called the ambulance. Wow, he's just having an epileptic seizure. Should have called the ambulance. Wow, this really sticks in your craw. This crumpet. You mean in a good way, right?

It's not bad. Not in that Obamacare way, right? That sticks in your craw. This is a pretty good crumpet. I mean, I don't know how it would rank among the best crumpets I've ever had in my life. Certainly, I mean, I haven't been to Paris, for example.

But it is a pretty great crimpet. Fuck, man, I want a glass of milk real bad. Yeah, I'm dying over here. Got milk? Right, guys? Well, we'll be back in just a second fully hydrated with milk on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Big time, Gene O'Neill. Oh, joining us on the television, Jordan, look. Telephone. Telephone. And on the televisionill. Oh, joining us on the television, Jordan, look. Telephone. Telephone. And on the television.

Both on the telephone and on the television, presuming you're watching local news in the Bay Area. Or CNN. Or CNN. Excellent. Our very good friend, Ashkahn Dvaran, a.k.a. Ashkahn the Rapper, a.k.a. A.k.a. Ashkahn the Hot Tubbin' King. Absolutely, the HTK. No doubt about it.

Joining us from the San Francisco Bay Area, where, as I understand it, he is enjoying Madison Bumgarner and the San Francisco Giants. Oh, God. I was almost enjoying a double play until Sanchez just threw the ball wide and we didn't get the double play, and now there's a runner on first and one out. Yeah, that's true. Stupid Jonathan Sanchez. Am I right, Jordan?

Yeah. Also, super dedicated listeners. Oh, Freddie Sanchez. Jonathan Sanchez is the starting pitcher. I was going to say, super dedicated listeners should figure out when that play happened and then do the math to figure out

at what time we were recording this. Yeah. Dedicated listeners or perhaps a lot of time on their hands. Yeah,

or a little bit of both. A little bit of both. Frankly, if you don't have a lot of time on your hands, why are you listening to Jordan Jesse go?

Shouldn't you be doing something productive? Ashkahn, it's great to have you back on the show. It's great to be here. Gene, you met Ashkahn when we were in college, right? I think I knew of Ashkahn. You had heard rumors of Ashkahn? Yeah, there was a third man in the booth?

Yeah, there was a third man. That's big time Gene O'Neill. Gene O'Neill, what's happening? What's happening, Ashkahn? Not a mucho, not a mucho. That's not what I heard. What did you hear? I heard you were up to mucho. They didn't elaborate beyond that. Yeah. So, Ashkahn, my email inbox started filling up with Ashkahn-related emails. What are we looking at?

A week and a half ago? Two weeks ago now? About two and a half weeks ago. Tell me why it was. I presume you're talking about the... Night when you fucked four women. Yeah. That one hit the tabloids really hard

two and a half weeks ago. Is that what you got forwarded? Yeah. People kept sending me that article from the Daily Star. Persian R. Kelly beds four. Yes! Sorry, we just turned to double play after not turning to double play before, and now we're out of the inning, and now I can devote good attention to the JJ Go fans and you.

Thanks, Ashkahn. Yeah. So you made a San Francisco Giants song for internet. Yes, I did. I made a song and a video, a rally cry for the San Francisco Giants, if you will. It's a reinterpretation of Journey's Don't Stop Believin', sung from the heart, and the video's a lot of fun. So I put that together like two and a half weeks ago, and we put it on the old interwebs,

and the people spoke, and the people shared it, and it got spread around a little bit. Now we're talking, just to put you guys into perspective of what we're talking about with our friend Ashkahn here, it's now up to one and a half million views. I believe I heard that you had a conversation with the president of the San Francisco Giants, Larry Baer, about it. Yeah, yeah, a couple of different conversations with him. Shit got really major really fast. It was pretty nuts. Larry Bear once gave me a quad to candlestick

for making a speech in support of Pacific Bell Park at a supervisor's meeting. That's pretty cool. It's not as good as World Series tickets, though. I'll tell you that much right now. Hey, Ashkahn. Those were pretty awesome. For those who may not have seen the video,

can you just maybe talk about how you changed the Journey Don't Stop Believing lyrics to support the Giants? I feel like I can't picture it right now. Sure. Well, you know, obviously best would be to just check it out, but let's see if I can do an on-the-fly explanation of where we go. So there's the line in the original, everybody wants a thrill, right?

Sure. Now, this line was kind of the inspiration of the whole remake because my favorite Giants player growing up was Will the Thrill Clark. A.K.A. Nooshler because that was his real middle name. Right, Noosh. The Noosh. So, yeah, so everybody wants a thrill. I kind of heard a little,

will the thrill in my head, and I said, oh, my God, this could be really kind of hilarious and also really, like, a really heartfelt tribute that, you know, has to be a little bit funny because to be that dramatic about it and have it be the sports remake

of Don't Stop Believing, it was just fun. It it was fun no no unlike a gene o'neill i myself am not a huge fan of the journey song don't stop believing or wasn't until that episode of glee now let's talk about that um until i learned that ste Steve Perry, who apparently is a huge Giants fan, complained to the Dodgers management that they were playing Don't Stop Believin' in support of the Dodgers because he's a Giants fan and hates the Dodgers. Yeah, that did happen. I heard about that myself.

It really makes you want to believe in something. It does. It does a little bit. So you said, were you actually on CNN, Ashkahn? Yeah, they had the video and were talking about it on their little repeat news

section for a while when they went to the sports. It was circulating. It was pretty amazing. Have you heard from any members of Journey? You've obviously heard from the Giants. Has anyone from Journey contacted you? I reached out to some members of Journey and some publishers after the thing got really, really big.

I did have contact with one of the members, and then I've kind of relayed some messages through the Giants' contact to Steve and some of his people. But, you know, we've been in, like, loose communication overall. Overall, I think they think it's fun and it's in good fun, and they're kind of riding with it. So they're not going to try and destroy you financially? At least not until the Giants win it all, because they're all Giants fans. So they might just be using my good luck charm to ride it out to the end, and then they're going to sue me. Is there a chance you could replace the Japanese Steve Perry that's currently the lead singer of Journey?

I don't know, but Jim Rome suggested that on his show. You could grow your hair long and you could be the Persian Steve Perry. Maybe. It was hilarious. Rome, like a few days after the video dropped. I don't know about you guys, but I think Jim Rome, sometimes when he gets going, it's really hilarious.

And I've always like kind of done an impersonation of him with my friends on assorted different topics. Jim Rome is a sports talk radio and television host who's known for his sort of his gravelly voice and his almost comical, often comical intensity on various subjects. He's sort of like, if you imagine the stereotypical sports talk guy and then multiply that by six, that's pretty much Jim Rome, right? Like a Rush Limbaugh of sports? That's a solid reinterpretation or explanation of him. Yeah, he talks about everything like

this. Yeah, he makes everything really serious. Ashkahn, have you thought about maybe recruiting some Steve Perry's of other races and then maybe you could all just sing on stage with Journey and be like the Steve Perry's from around the world. Or like the 12 huge men who judge.

Would I represent the American version or the Persian version? I guess that depends if you can find a guy actually from a Persian who was born and raised in a Persian nation. I think otherwise by default, you're the Persian. I think Steve Perry is the American version of Steve Perry.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, him. You'll have to wear a comical Persian outfit, too, and have a snake that you charm at the end of the song. Now come on, Jordan. That's just offensive. That's just in bad taste. Yeah, I apologize.

What do you want me to do next? Fly on a rug? In the video? You want me to fly on a rug in the video? I would like you to do that. I mean, it would be cool. Telling people oil? Yeah.

Trying to build nuclear weapons? Yeah. Lying about nuclear weapons. Yeah. Lying about nuclear weapons. Trying to conquer the meads. Hanging gardens. Sorry. You guys are really enjoying that joke a little bit too much. Yeah, sorry.

I'm just messing with you. They sure was. So, Ashkahn, I have to ask you a really important question. As you know, I'm a native of San Francisco. Yes, I know. We talked about the Giants, I think, on your show a couple years ago at some point. We were talking about folks like Candy Maldonado. Sure, we did have a nice Candy Maldonado convo.

Candy Maldonado is a great word. It has a good ring to it. Candy Maldonado. Everyone just say Candy Maldonado one time. word. It has a good ring to it. Candy Maldonado. Everyone just say Candy Maldonado one time. On three. One, two, three. Candy Maldonado. Yeah, it feels really nice.

It's real sweet. I got a half chub. What were you going to say? Sorry to cut you off there. No, you are not a native San Franciscan. You're from the East Bay. I am. So tell me about how you came to love the Giants so much that you recorded a song for them. I mean, the rivalry between the Giants and the A's is a relatively muted one.

It's generally mutually supportive. But at the same time, it surprised me to see you in a Giants uniform when I'm used to seeing you, or in a Giants jersey and hat, when I'm used to seeing you in, say, a Warriors hat. Right, right. Well, that's, you know, pretty much just passed down from my pops. He was a big Giants Niners guy. So, you know, here in the East Bay, there's often some supporters of the Giants and Niners, and it's usually familial ties.

So my dad was a big Giants guy, so I was kind of raised Giants guy. So were you rooting for the Giants, like, in the 1989 Bay Bridge World Series? Oh, yeah, big time, big time. Good for you, Ashkahn. That really means a lot to me. Hey, it means a lot to me that it means a lot to you. It was a really rough time for me because my dad was an A's fan, and

the A's swept the Giants in four games. And it really... My dad really lorded it over me for the next, probably... Well, he's never stopped lording it over me, I would say. Now, why was your dad an A's fan? My dad was from Kansas

City. Oh, wow. My dad grew up in Kansas City, yeah. And then he went to UC Berkeley and lived in the East Bay for quite some time. So that's how he... He also lorded over that earthquake destroying your city. Yeah, he did. So, Ashkahn, what's the coolest thing that's happened as a result of this one and a half million views? Just lots and lots of sexual relations.

No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm guessing that sports-themed parody songs doesn't exactly bring in the pee like you might think. How do you think you get into the pants of one Giants left fielder, Pat Burrell? I stand corrected. Exactly. No, but on the serious tip, there have been some pretty hilarious, awesome moments. This is one I kind of liked. I was out front of Giants Stadium, and we see James Hetfield.

This is one of the World Series games. James Hetfield, the lead singer of Metallica. And he's like a couple of guys away, you know, and I'm with my friend, and I said, I was like, hey, that's James Hetfield. And he was like, yeah, that is James Hetfield. And we were both kind of looking at him, scoping him out, and right at that moment, four girls come up and go, oh, my God, are you Ashkahn?

And I was like, wow, that just happened. That was really crazy. One other good one was they gave me a little welcome on the Jumbotron at the game. It said the Giants welcome Ashkahn, and the crowd cheered. That was kind of a heart warmer. Oh, that's fantastic. So that was cool.

Are you thinking about going into this full time? Because our friend Jim Rayal, the master of Would You Rather, for about two years was a semi-professional A's drummer. He and his friends started playing the drums in the outfield at A's games, and they eventually ended up in a series of commercials for the A's in which they talk to circa 2002

A's players like your Eric Chavez is. Or ultimately, are you thinking about recording a fight song for the San Jose Sharks? I have been talked to about that, which is hilarious. Wait, have you actually?

Yeah, I mean, not per se by the organization, but... Like crazy people on the street. A lot of people have been like, hey, you gotta do one for the Sharks, and you gotta do one for the Warriors, you know, whatever. Well, you did do,

you did a Warriors song last year. I kinda did. Yeah, it was a winner, whatever. Well, you did do, you did a Warrior song last year. I kind of did. Yeah, it was a winner too. Yeah. Well, Ashkahn, thank you for taking time out of your busy World Series watching schedule to talk with us about your newfound internet fame. Absolutely. Excuse me, excuse me.

Your newfound additional internet fame, in addition to being one of the most popular Jordan Jesse Goh guests of all time on a consistent basis. Hey, thanks so much. I wanted to say also real quick just to the listeners at Jordan Jesse Goh, I've actually had a lot of folks from the show that have contacted me

and they've all just said really cool things and it's cool just the community that you guys have. They're cool folks. So, you know, I just want to thank them for that. And, you know, yeah, they can feel free to drop me a line. I'm a personable dude. Ashcon is the best URL for us to send people to, stillmyspace.com slash ashcon1. We got to get out of there.

We got to get out of there. Probably facebook.com slash ashconahn music that's my fan page and ashkahn is spelled a-s-h-k-o-n yeah and then music all one word um that's the fan page they can also you know drop me a line on the personal page too that's facebook.com slash ashkahn d okay well let's let's hear ashkahn's version of Don't Stop Believing, featuring numerous references to the San Francisco Giants. Let's have fun with that. Thanks, you guys.

It was cool to talk to you. Thank you. Just a loyal fan Trying to do the best I can But these last three, four years Have made it hard But I had faith and I had hope And thankfully the Padres chose

Either that or maybe It was the rally Thong Let's go Giants NLS Division Champions Feels good

But we ain't stopping here We got Timmy and Torres Puff Daddy and Buster Posey Hands down the key of the year The playoff feed's giving me the chills Willie Mays and Will the Thrill Bobby Thompson and the shot that they heard Around the world

We're here to win, but in case we lose I'm purchasing a case of booze, I guess the torture will never end, it goes on and on and on and on, Kung Fu Panda

Pat the Bat and Uribe Brian Phil Son in the North At the batting O-Liebe Brian Phil's son in the night Don't stop believing This could be the season Black and orange till I die Don't stop believing Shout out to the entire

The Giants organization Black and orange till I die Crook and kite I don't stop believing Marty and Laurie This could be the series. I'm white collar brawlers. Back in

Ash Cranes till I die. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Big time Gene O'Neill. It's great to have you back on the show, Gene. It's so nice to be here and see you guys. Is it really nice?

It is. It's too bad this is the only way we interface anymore, but. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I miss the gay stuff, too. Yeah. You did come to my work that one time to get my free copy of Fallout from me. I did.

Man, when there was something in it for me, I'm there. You couldn't have been there faster. How are things going for you, Gene? You're continuing to work in the entertainment industry in the world of reality television. Yeah, that's right. You're the bachelor. He's the bachelorette. just zinged you because of his vagina um yeah how's it going for you otherwise i feel like i feel like we we never get to talk anymore no are you guys interested in anecdotes oh yeah is there a root is there

room for that i'd rather you not share any anecdotes. I prefer just factoids. What about vague pleasantries? Yeah, sure. How about my Harrison Ford impression? I'd love that. Sure, sure. I'd enjoy a nice anecdote.

What's the subject of this anecdote? All right, the subject of this anecdote is romantic. A romantic one. A romantic anecdote. Romance is the subject of this anecdote? All right. The subject of this anecdote is romantic. A romantic one. A romantic anecdote. Romance is the subject. Oh, that sounds nice. Let me guess. Can I guess?

Can you do one that's health and fitness? What is the subject? Yeah. Let's change this to a health and fitness symposium. Can I guess what your anecdote is? Because I already got a clue, so I think I can do it. Yeah, go for it. It's romantic, right?

Yes. I'm guessing that you got an empty Chianti bottle, and you put a candle in there and let all the wax drip all over the bottle, and then that's all I got. Yeah, and now my room has a decoration. Now your room is decorated. Oh, and you got those sweet Nightmare Before Christmas posters, too. So you have a little theme in there now.

Jordan, come on. He's not into Nightmare Before Christmas anymore. He's into Morrissey now. Oh. Sorry. Sorry about that, Gene. So a romantic story. I like to hear a nice romantic story.

Yeah. Okay. So working in reality TV, I have a new job every three months because that's how long it takes to wrap a reality show. And once that's over, you're on your own. There's not a pension plan? No. Yeah, they're not interested at all in securing you your next job.

You have to scramble every three months. Every time you have to fight Richard Hatch. For that gold parachute. That gold reality TV parachute. So I worked at this one show where there was this girl who

was like a producer and I was like, you know, someone much lower on the rung, like an AP. And no, we never had any professional interaction um so like i never had uh you know any way to like talk to her or you know impress her in any way so you were just in like different parts of the building working on different stuff i would sometimes see her and then i could all i could do was just kind of like momentarily like lust for her and that was all i could do and to clarify ap is associated press

it's a group of newspapers that share pool stories uh over the wire it's actually alternative press it's a music magazine focusing on metal and emo sure yeah it's all this uh in this in this business it means associate producer which just means like a writer's assistant. But I didn't work under her. But you would have liked her. You know what I mean? She'd be a nice boss.

Oh, like in sex. Oh, right. No. I just meant work-wise. I had to introduce a Purian element. There's a sexual position called Woman on Top. No. Which I thought that was a reference to. Jordan, that's just a Dolly Parton movie.

Oh. Nine to Five? Right. Okay. Yeah, it's a song in Nine to Five. Called Ride That Cock. so okay so called called ride that cock i know i've seen the musical uh all right so then i start this new job and it turns out she's working there which just like doesn't you know that kind of never happens that you're gonna

sometimes you see people from other places but i just like man what are the odds like you know this girl that i had a crush on now she's at this new place and it's kind of a more intimate building. I'm still like, don't have any, you know, reason to professionally interact with her. But we do start crossing points in the kitchen a lot, you know, which I like 30 seconds to be clever. Yeah. Usually it's all you need. Yeah. But it's, you know, like, oh, why do they call them everything bagels?

Or they have everything. I don't see any Doritos everything bagels? They don't really have everything on them. I don't see any Doritos in here. They really only have bagel toppings on them. So what, so, like, what kinds of, like, do you guys both have a similar time you get coffee, or do you both bring your lunch and prepare it at the same time? So why are

you in there at the same time? Just to be, I basically just went into the kitchen, like, every 15 minutes. You know, like minutes getting coffee or pretending to get a snack. In an effort to see the girl, avoid work, both. Both, yeah. Sort of the dual purpose of avoiding work.

Just so our audience knows, at one point, Gene did buy a deli-style meat slicer so he could go into the kitchen and have something to do. Slicing a honey-baked ham. Yeah, I tried to make that my job. You even had those t-shirts printed out that said, ham man.

So anyway. So you're in the kitchen, seeing this lady. No, okay, like, so I'm trying to, you know, get the courage to ask her out, but it's like, okay, she's a producer, and I'm, like, you know, below a producer. And in reality TV, it's a very incestuous, you know, profession. Like, anyone who's married or dating is married or dating somebody else in reality TV. So there's, like, also then the strict class system of, or the cast system. So the only exception are the people

who aren't married or dating, which is to say asexual comedian Paula Poundstone. Yes, that's it. She's the only one. Yeah, celebrity asexual Paula Poundstone. It's unspoken that you date within your cast. Oh. But it's unspoken that you date within your cast.

Oh. Is it sexual to where the women date a man of a higher station? Does that enter into it? Or is it you date someone of your station? No, that happens. A woman can date up. Okay. Yeah. Why would you date down?

Because you hate yourself. Yeah. Low self-esteem. All right, well, that probably will make thematic sense as this story goes on. Well, Gene, I'll give you one reason why somebody might date down if you were below them on the hierarchical chart. I got several emails from interested lady listeners who saw the video of our marathon show and said, that big time Gene O'Neill, he's a looker.

Well, this might be the time to drop my eHarmony profile URL. All right, so... You received a rank of Disharmonious. I don't really have an eHarmony profile. Okay. So, yeah, I'm trying to, like, overcome that because I feel like if I ask her out and then she says no, then there's that awkwardness if we work in the same building and, you know. And she's more important than you on the chain.

Right. So, you know, I guess the last, like, week or so was coming up. I'm like, all right, I'm just going to ask her out this week, you know, and then we're done. And no big deal if she says no. And I keep wussing out at, like, the end of every day. And then until finally it's Friday, and I'm like, okay, it has to be today. Did you have a – what was your plan going into it? Was it like, hey, I've liked our conversation.

Would you like to get a drink sometime? Or were you planning on doing the, like, oh, hey, me and some friends are getting together if you want to come with like what was your no no it was gonna be i was gonna take out your flat out yeah i would just be like does this interest you like put a newspaper over it and get a load of this little would you perhaps you'd like to reach into my oversized popcorn bucket? I have a friend who's too shy to ask you out. My twin brother. You put on a fake mustache for the date.

But then as it turns out, she doesn't come into work on that Friday. Oh, my God. She didn't come in on the last day? No. Well, it wasn't her last day. It was my last day. Oh, my God. She didn't come in on the last day? No. Well, it wasn't her last day. It was my last day. And, you know, also when you work on a reality show, like, they're always, like, they're very clear about what your last day is. They don't want you to try to come in.

You guys know this is your last day, right? Like, don't try to come in next week and work and get a paycheck. Is that something that people might do if they didn't say that i assume that's happened before because they tell us like it was on our like it's crossed our mind that we're gonna try to sneak into work and do work whatever even though there's nothing to do and then like fill out a time sheet you know so yeah i kind of i blew that and then i'm thinking like all right what should i like i was on Facebook at the time. I'm not on Facebook anymore. But I'm thinking, like, should I just, like, look her up on Facebook and be like, hey, I always meant to ask you out. But I'm like, that's lame.

Like, that's not a good, I feel like you need to have a good story. Right. Like a good asked you out on a date story. And you don't want to say, well, he looked, you know, like, because I'm thinking, like, she's telling her friends how we met. And she would say, like, oh, he looked me up on Facebook. That's a lame story, right? That isn't a good story. You want to have something exciting, like he followed me into a corner of a parking garage.

Yeah. Something with a sense of excitement. Yeah. Or just pick another website. He really liked my reviews on CitySearch. He really liked my reviews on City Search. I always wondered why he was such a big fan of popcorn. Theatrical style popcorn.

Sure. Yeah. I contacted her LinkedIn profile. She wanted a job dating me. So my plan becomes, all right, I'm just going to go into work on the following Monday and just pretend like I forgot something there and then ask her out. Because that's quite the scheme that you've developed. Yeah. Did you actually leave something to go get?

No, I didn't come up with this until the weekend, until I left. So I get a book. I stuff it into my pants. weekend until i left so i like i get a book i stuff it into my pants and it's like i you know walk into the building and like shirt up my boss is like yo gene what are you doing here friday was the last day i'm like yeah i know i i just forgot a book and i'm like oh okay and it's like i go into the bathroom and like pull the book out of my pants here it is you know you were in my pants the whole time. Yeah. And, but then the problem is is that she is in an editing bay,

which is just an office where people edit, with her editor doing her show. And I know that when you go into your editing... Kind of dark and private. Yeah, when you go into your editing bay, you're like in there all day.

So I'm like, shit, like how am I, like I don't want to ask her out in front of the editor. How am I going to get her alone? So you follow her into the parking garage. With a giant bucket of popcorn. Because of the knife. So I think of something to do.

And I knock on her door. I go in. And I say, and I'll change her name here, and I say, Beatrice, someone just hit your car outside. I told them that I would come and get you. And I thought her reaction would be like, oh, really? Okay, come down with you. But she just totally freaks out, like, what? Oh, fuck.

Oh, my God, no. And throws her notepad on the ground and like her editor also and her editor is like this big like you know like tattooed kind of like rides a motorcycle guy sort of what you would picture if you think reality show editor yeah when you picture hell's angel type right yeah exactly so we're all walking to the elevator we're all walking to the elevator all three all walking to the elevator three of us going downstairs and she's just like huffing and she's like so upset about this she's like this is the third time my car's been hit this month and i'm and i'm like it was really just a ding really

just like a scratch and uh and then uh finally like we get downstairs and i'm like okay uh full confession i that was just a ruse to get you to leave the room. Your car didn't get hit. I just wanted to ask you out on a date. And then she's like, wait, so my car is okay. First and foremost. Is the editor still there at this point? Yeah, the editor is still there. Is he doing the thing where he puts his fist into his open palm and turns it back and forth?

He's drawing a line across his neck and pointing at you this is you this is you later uh no but uh she uh she said yes and she asked me out that's fantastic yeah congratulations gene did you guys all did you laugh about it later yeah we laughed about it later and she she thought and and she said she like told her friends and they all thought agreed it was a good ask him out on a date story yeah maybe sure yeah maybe if she was on the fence she's like as that was happening she's like what a great story yeah see i i think about about that stuff in advance because i feel like a girl will always tell her friends the story you know like i got this date with this guy this This is how he asked me out.

You just want to provide that. Is that why you're so successful romantically? That might have something to do with it. Yeah. Probably has everything to do with it. We should explain he's sort of a, big time Gene O'Neill, sort of, would you say,

a modern day Casanova? I would say a real Charlie Sheen type. Yeah. We did do Coke naked in a restaurant bathroom later that night. What did Charlie Sheen get caught doing? Didn't he do two things over the course

of a couple of days? He did two things. He got naked in a restaurant bathroom for some reason to do Coke. Well, Gene, you don't have to...

What do you mean for some reason? He had an allergic reaction to some medication. Oh, sure. Right, yeah. And then the other one was locking a hooker in his hotel closet. And then he locked a hooker in his... No, I think she locked herself in the closet.

Oh, because he was dangerous. Yeah, and he was, like, refusing to pay or something like that. No, as I understand it, she called another hooker. Because she wanted what she ordered a hooker for herself? She's like, man, I really need to decompress. After this whole Charlie Sheen thing that's still going on right now. I don't really need sex, but I do need someone who's there to listen. I just want to talk. Yeah, I just want to talk.

It's kind of amazing to me that Charlie Sheen can still have his own television show, right? Yeah, well, I mean, I guess especially the surprising thing about it is that this is the quintessential TV show that's popular in middle America. It is the show that dads watch with their sons after t-ball practice. I was under the impression that that is his character, though. Someone told me Charlie Sheen plays himself on Two and a half men so because here's what i mean it's like he i think the the tv i mean i don't know maybe it's just that people accept the difference between the real life and the tv version but i mean on tv he just like approaches a woman in a grocery store and says nice melons when she's looking at the produce. I don't think he locks any of them in a closet.

Oh. See, I thought he was like a method actor. Oh, right. He's like, I wasn't like this before. Well, he did. I mean, to be fair, the woman in the closet did have some melons. She did. He gave her some melons.

Two complimentary hotel honeydews. Two complimentary hotel honeydews. Have you ever just imagined a lifestyle for yourself where you just do that kind of thing as a matter of course? Like blowing hookers and fighting in public nudity? Yeah. Oh, I thought you meant making racy double entendres. That's a much success.

While wearing a fake bowling shirt. This cucumber is kind of like a dick, right? That's an actual line from Two and a Half. Anybody have anything to do with cereal? Any cereal ideas? How can you... Hey, want to fuck some cereal with me? I'd sure like to fuck that Cocoa Puffs bird.

I bet it's got a real sweet pussy. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, So from time to time on Jordan, Jesse, Go, we like to play our listeners' momentous occasions. We ask that our listeners, when something momentous happens to them, that they give us a call at 206-984-4FUN and let us know about them as close to the moment as we can. Let's get this thing started, shall we? Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Go, I'm sitting in a parking lot in New Jersey looking at a man feeding a horse, like an out horse, not like in a caravan thing, like just out, feeding a horse out of a Dunkin' Donuts bag in front of a Dunkin' Donuts. I don't know what to do with this. Thanks, guys. No, that's magical. Yeah, that's great.

I like that something, you know, he was convinced that it was the horse's feeding time. Right. And he just, he did what he had to do. He had to take care of business. He wasn't near an alfalfa store. Yeah, right. He wasn't, there wasn't a, there wasn't a. Bag of oats.

There wasn't a Tim Hortons nearby. At Tim Hortons, they actually sell both donuts and horse feed. Sure. Probably Secretariat. Yeah, Secretariat gets whatever he wants after that big hit movie. He really let himself go. More donuts, more Coke,

more hookers, more fillies. He just hangs out with Charlie Sheen all day. What if Charlie Sheen was just naked riding around John Sagreton? What do you mean, what if? That'd be funny if their little prank was like calling room service and then the room service guy gets up there

and then the horse kicks him. Then they just laugh. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Davin with an N from Orlando, Florida. My momentous occasion is pretty common but still awesome. I defended my dissertation and am now a doctor in psychology. So now you can say that at least one out of one doctor recommends J.J. Gould. J.J. Go.

I guess Gould is because Halloween is coming. For grad school sanity support. Thanks, guys. Yeah. Let's talk about some support. Thanks, guys. Yeah. Let's talk about some great things about this call. Sure. Number one, it's always nice to hear from Davin. Mm-hmm.

He's a big fan of the show, regular contributor on the forums, and et cetera. Number two, it's always nice to know that we've got a doctor on hand in case something goes horribly wrong. With our psyches. Sure. Like, maybe, let's say our super ego loses track of our id. Yeah. And we go on some kind of, you know, naked secretariat writing. For example.

That's just an example of something that might happen. Or maybe we could ask him how we could make our super ego lose track of our id. So that we go on naked horse riding sprees. Right. Or maybe we could ask him how we could make our super ego lose track of our id. So that we go naked horse riding sprees. Right. That's just cocaine though, right? Or PCB. Yeah.

Or a little bit of both. Long story short, David, can you hook us up with cocaine and PCB? Great job, everybody, mailing us the tasty cakes. Now do it with hard drugs. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. Calling in with a momentous occasion. This is Aaron from New Mexico. And I just got my first job after getting my master's degree,

and I'm so excited, and no one's answering their cell phones. So I guess that's what momentous occasions are for. Have a good one, guys. Later. I don't think that's what momentous occasions are for. No, you call us first. You call us first. Yeah, the fact that you called other people first. Yeah, insulting. Yeah, it's kind of last as an afterthought.

And then you rubbed our faces in it. Also, you sound a little young to be having gotten your master's degree. Yeah, you've got your master's degree in American history, but you've got a PhD in bullshit. Yeah, right? I'm not sure you're qualified for that job. We should call. Yeah, we're going to call that job and tell them you're a liar. Hello, guys work.

We're going to call your thesis committee chairman and take a real shit on your reputation. Yeah. Hello, this is some internet guys. Guess what we think. Hello, my name's Jesse Thorne. I've got a bachelor's degree in American studies from, let's just call it a major American university. And this is Jordan. I've got a cat.

Listen up, assholes. UC Santa Cruz has been calling me for donations lately. Have they been calling you guys? Have you been getting calls from Santa Cruz? No, I think they're pretty aware of my lack of success. I had to just stop taking their calls. I just pressed the ignore button. I don't want to give money to UC Santa Cruz.

It's not that great of a university. I want money back from UC Santa Cruz. I'm going to start calling them and asking for donations. I at least want unlimited dining hall meals for the rest of my life. I want a card you swipe in the dining hall. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, guest. I'm calling because I just had a moment today on the stage of my Catholic school when I was supposed to be rehearsing my scene for the upcoming Arts and Music Festival.

I instead made out with a girl for the very first time. And it was pretty awesome. And I have a girlfriend. And I'm really happy. So that seems like a momentous occasion. Thanks, guys. Bye. A little worried that was going to,

when that story started, it was going to turn into some kind of Carrie situation. So then I used my telekinesis to kill everyone in the school. I thought we were going to find out how the play turned out. It is kind of disappointing when you think you're going to find out the end of the play, and all you get to hear about is Catholic schoolgirls making out with each other. Sure.

Bravo, right? Sure, way to go. Bravo, she's got a girlfriend. Although, I mean, I don't know, I might say save it for after school. I don't want this lesbian making out to interrupt with your studies. What kind of examples would we be? When I was in high school, I made

out a lot with my girlfriend during school. And it worked out great. 10 years, 12 years later, we're married to each other. We have a beautiful dog, a lovely apartment in Silver Lake, California. And we've got fond memories of the time that our English Shakespeare teacher said that we weren't going to go practice our scene. You guys are just going to find a corner and snog. Sure.

When I was in grade school, me and my brother made out a lot. And it was pretty great. Yeah, it sounds fun. You guys are still pretty close, right? Yeah, we are, I guess you could say, unusually close. Some might even say illegally close. Some might even say we fuck. Each other. I'm w say we fuck each other.

I'm winking when I say that. Hey, Jesse and Jordan. This is Jenny and Nate at the North Carolina State Fair. And there are donks here, and they're adorable. And there's this one particularly adorable little donk kind of, you know, play wrestling with another donkey, actually. And then he just went over and with his back leg, kicked another donk right in the face. And it was pretty hilarious.

And then strolled away like nothing happened. Anyway, I just wanted to share the love of donks with you guys. So have a good one. Bye. This is something that I want. I played this call because I want to clear up a misconception about donks. Donks, as most of our listeners know,

are miniature donkeys. They're adorable, tiny donkeys that can even come into your house if you invite them. Are they like designer donkeys? Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Oh, sure. We're talking about Dolce & Gabbana. We're talking about Galeano.

Like designer dogs. It's like a Paris Hilton type donkey. This is a donkey that's been made, that's been selectively bred so that it's tiny. It's a tiny donkey. They're literally the size of a dog. And they're bred for cuteness, right? Yeah, of course.

And friendship. They're for tilling tiny fields. Okay. The problem was the other donkeys were too big. There are these really narrow fields that are really long. You need a tiny donkey to fit in the narrow field. Anyway, I think a lot of people realize that this is one of the most adorable creatures that treads the earth. It's a tiny donkey.

It'll eat anything, just like most donkeys or goats. It has that funny face. It can do that thing, or it shows its teeth like this. But what a lot of people don't know is that they're also powerful, powerful killing machines. So I guess the moral of this story is, and I can only assume the reason why this young lady called in, was, you know, don't fuck with donks. Sure. And I think, Jordan, you've fuck with donks. Sure. And I think, Jordan, you've complained about donks in the past, and I know that you've received some threats. From donks.

Yeah. They're also very intelligent. They can dial a phone. I heard what you've been saying about me. Well, more and more. And my kind. More and more donk owners are hot gluing pens to their hooves so they can do some writing.

Yeah. So they can finally get some writing done. She had a letter that said, me hate you. Still pretty scary, though. Yeah, it does sound scary. It turned out just to be from a former XFL star, he hate me. Who was trying out some new branding strategy. And on the back, in really nice calligraphy, it said,

Dearest Jordan, I'm considering this for a new moniker. I'd love an opinion. I understand you. You have experience in the world of action sports. Yours, that guy. Anyway, I guess the moral of the story is don't fuck with donks, especially you, Jordan. I know you never would, Gene. It's not the kind of guy you are. You're not full of bullshit like Jordan. I respect donks.

Yeah. And their right to do what they do. You're a respectful man. You believe in the important things. Tasty cakes, etc. Yeah. Well, etc. just covers donks. That's it. Right. Tasty cakes and donks. Yeah. The two most important things in the world. We'll be back in just a second

on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris,

detective. Big time. Gene O'Neill. Another winning program. I have to say. Sure. We've won. I think we're the best

podcasters. Yeah, certainly no one's challenging us out of Houston. I noticed that. Dallas, Lubbock beaumont i noticed that uh popular decatur i i noticed that popular podcaster and unpopular filmmaker kevin smith uh has recently recently seems to have purchased a um who i i'm not gonna say anything bad about him he really genuinely seems like a good guy very funny charming guy um uh he seems to have purchased a storefront

here in los angeles yeah he purchased a theater space dedicated exclusively to podcasts i feel like what how where did he get the kind of money that it takes to purchase a podcasting theater? I don't know. It's that comic book store he owns. Is it from... Yeah. Certainly not his movies. He got money off of clerks.

Like, which one of his movies was the successful one? I think all of those movies are all, like, DVD cash cows. Really? So I think that, yeah, I think he probably... And you think he's got points on the net. Yeah. I think he just won the lottery. He bought a scratcher ticket.

I think, even though Kevin Smith's movies don't, you know, nothing's in the hundred grand territory, I think they all kind of hang around and sell on DVD for, you know, longer than your average movie. He's probably always got development deals. I guess what I'm saying is, why don't we have our own storefront slash theater?

Because it's dumb. Man, I didn't want to say anything. Yeah. You feel like we should? Yeah, I've been wondering for a while why you guys don't have your own storefront thing, theater, the thing that you said earlier. The problem is only a certain percentage of our listeners are listener donors.

Some of our listeners aren't donors at all. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's kind of in vogue these days. We could just get a truck and pull up outside office buildings during lunchtime. Like a podcasting truck? Yeah, like a lunchtime. Oh, you mean like that lady in the blackberry lady in the blackberry torch commercial the really cool one from brooklyn i have not seen that commercial

but does she have a food she has a food truck it's a treat truck specifically she goes she in the commercial she goes i drive all i drive all over brooklyn bringing people treats my blackberry torch helps me send emails and tweeters or something. I'm paraphrasing. There's a billboard. By the way, full disclosure, I did recently do a branded content segment for the television program I host

in support of the BlackBerry torch. Which is a fine device. It is a nice device. It's a good device. Anyway, sorry, Jordan. There's a billboard for Bank of America with this just kind of like real strapping Latino guy on it. And he's got a, you know, he's got like a plaid shirt and then like a Back to the Future vest.

And he's standing there with his arms crossed. And the billboard says, I can do my banking while I wait for the food truck. I've seen that billboard. I wanted to crash my car into it. It makes you want to kick it in the balls. I've seen that billboard. I want it to crash my car into it. It makes you want to kick it in the balls. Like, number one, why would you try and make your bank the cool bank?

Yeah. Like, banks aren't cool. Man, where is this bank? Yeah. Sounds like it really knows where I'm coming from. I believe it's in Williamsburg. Oh, man. I'm probably not even cool enough to open an account there.

Yeah. They ask you what band you're in before you open up a branch. It seems like... And if it's anything less cool than Interpol. It seems like if Bank of America did some market research, and they said, you know, this percentage of the audience wants a reliable bank, this percentage of the audience wants a value-oriented bank

with low fees and high interest rates, the percentage of the audience that said in the focus group, I'm really looking for a cool bank, like someplace I want to be seen. A place to hang out after school with your friends. It seems like that would be a smaller percentage than the percentage of the banking industry controlled by Bank of America, the nation's largest consumer bank. Bank of America is trying to be the Max.

Everybody hangs out after school. The peach pit. Yeah. Hey, you guys want to go to B of A? There was that period where my Washington Mutual, before Washington Mutual was bought out by Chase, took out all of the bank stuff and did like banking in the round

where they had like a circle of tellers, each with their own sort of pedestal. Like they weren't behind a window. They were at a pedestal. It's weird. It was really, really weird. And it really made you wonder like, who was the person asking for half bank, half coffee clutch?

Yeah. Wait, like they didn't have bulletproof glass? No, no bulletproof glass. There was a machine at the end of the line that you typed a secret code in to get your cash out. Like your teller gave you a secret code. They gave you a piece of paper with a number written on it. Then you walked over to the machine, pushed the number into the machine, and then the money came out of the machine. Oh, okay.

It was really, it was a negative situation. It was right around the same time that my ATM started trying to be friends with me. Oh, that's where it said like, hey dude, want some money? Yeah, exactly. Put in your secret code and we'll get going. It was very upsetting to me. It was a very upsetting period of my life. I've only recently gotten over it.

So are you still seeing your significant other? we've gotten over it. So are you still seeing your significant other? Anyway, 206-9844-FUN is the number to call if you've got a comment or a question for us. If you want to share

a momentous occasion with us or whatever, you can also email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. If you want to put a little advertisement lit on Jordan, Jesse, Go, it's easy. All you have to do is email advertisement lit on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's easy.

All you have to do is email Teresa Thorne, our development director at Teresa, T-H-E-R-E-S-A at MaximumFun.org. It's $100 for a personal message, $150 for a commercial message. Hey, guess what, Jordan? Max Fun Con tickets are going on sale in a couple of weeks. What? The day after Thanksgiving, Black Friday. It's called that because of the popularity of African Americans in this nation.

They're hotter than ever. Everybody loves Friday. Everybody loves African Americans. But I heard gay was the new black, so maybe we should change it. To gay Friday? Yep. Okay, sure. Absolutely. Why not? And then. Okay, sure. Absolutely.

Why not? And then Mexican Monday, the following Monday. Yeah. Instead of Cyber Monday. As long as they don't have any of those fucking bakeries. Pan dulces. Pan dulce. Pan dulce.

Dulce? Dulce. Hmm. That doesn't sound right. You're thinking of Italian. Oh. Dulce is a word in Italian. Hmm. Dulce is You're thinking of Italian. Dulce is a word in Italian. Dulce is the Spanish.

Italian desserts are delicious. Yeah, no, the Italians do a nice job with a nice mascarpone. Que cabasa. Hamburger. Hamburger. Max Fun Con tickets are going on sale the day after Thanksgiving at maxfuncon.com. So I just wanted to give everybody out there in the audience fair warning. Fair warning. And we're going to have some cool stuff.

We're going to do like a little holiday gift package. Because sometimes people like to give a trip to MaxFunCon to their significant other to their best friend whatever we often hear about that to their kid Daryl Asher likes to bring his bring his daughter

Crystal in yeah so you know we wanted to put a little so we're putting together a little gift package so you can have something to put under the tree

the people can open and it'll have a little box and it'll have a little thing and it'll be like a nice little boxing glove. Yeah, absolutely. Right in the kisser.

The whole nine yards, essentially. The whole nine yards. Comes with a DVD copy of The Whole Nine Yards, starring Matthew Perry. Anyway, I just wanted to let folks know about that. And one other thing. Hey, listen, if you're a regular Jordan Jeffs Eagle listener, you're out there in our listening audience, you haven't tried out the great podcast being produced by our friends and stable mates stop podcasting yourself what do you think you're doing well who are you that you're listening to

this show and not stop podcasting yourself it's embarrassing to me it's embarrassing to this whole nation you know what i mean? Especially if you're American. Who do you think you are? Former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher? She's dead. And how? So you can't use that as an excuse. Yeah, you've got to be Mikhail Gorbachev,

and then you have that splotch on your head. Ha ha. Yeah, Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall and listen to the other podcast. Stop podcasting yourself. Anyway, there's a link on our website. Somebody listen to the other podcast um stop podcasting yourself anyway there's a link on our website somebody told me the other day this i got a twitter the other day also uh from somebody that said i'm really a jordan jesse go fan but when i heard william gibson was on the sound of young america i had to give it a try at least give it a try please can i can i ask that

you please give the sound of young america a try it's okay if you. Can I ask that you please give The Sound of Young America a try? It's okay if you don't like it and you like this one. To be fair, though, Jesse, the person who said that was you. Yeah, I did. You have two Twitter feeds, one so you can send yourself messages. Yeah, that's fair enough. I'm going to check out this show that I've been doing. Yeah.

You know, the me one. Anyway, you can watch Jordan on the Fuel TV. You can catch me on Thursdays at 745 Eastern, 445 Pacific on the Independent Film Channel, IFC. I think I'm going to be on this episode. Oh, yeah. Is this upcoming week the week that you're going to be on it? I think so, yes. And we're hoping, and I don't get to pick these kind of things, but I think and we're hoping that you're going to be a regular contributor to the program. Ah, maybe.

It's called The Grid. You should set your TiVos. You can check out my cool commercial for the BlackBerry torch. It's going to be pretty great. Look, I'm not trying to brag about my commercial for the BlackBerry torch, but let's just say I've got a meeting with Audi next week to

discuss a few possibilities. They liked my torch work. They want to talk about Audis. Anyway, we'll talk to you next week to discuss a few possibilities. They liked my torch work. They want to talk about Audis. Anyway, we'll talk to you next week on Jordan, Jessica.