Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 152: Wonderful Terrific with Paul Scheer

Episode Date: November 8, 2010

Paul Scheer joins Jesse and Jordan to discuss fantasy sports, the etymology of "boner", and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, netty, twiddle, dum, twiddle, Jesse, go.

Paul Scheer joins us to discuss the etymology of the word boner again. God, will we ever stop talking about that? Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Crisp, cool evening in Los Angeles. I feel like the possibilities of the holidays are opening up before us,

not least because we're joined by a spectacular special guest on this week's program, Mr. Paul Scheer. Paul, welcome to the show. Thank you very much for having me. Oh, hey, Paul. Can I just talk to Jesse for half a second? Yeah, I'll just turn over. Yeah, yeah, cool, cool, cool. I won't be lucky, guys. Paul Scheer. Paul, welcome to the show. Thank you very much for having me. Hey, Paul, can I just talk to Jesse for half a second? Yeah, I'll just turn over. Jesse? Yeah.

What's up? I thought Barbara Boxer was going to be on the show today. No, she has to go to the Senate. Well, I prepared a lot of Barbara Boxer stuff. Well, do you want to just ask Paul the Barbara Boxer stuff? No, this was Barbara Boxer specific. We were going to do Desert Island Discs. Right. We were going to play Ten Fingers. Hey, do you want to just ask Paul the Barber Boxer stuff? No, this was Barber Boxer specific. We were going to do

Desert Island Discs, right? We were going to play Ten Fingers. Hey, guys. I'm sorry. Hey, Paul! We'll be right with you. We just have to talk about something, frankly, important. Okay. Alright. I'll wait over here. Okay. So, I just don't think anybody cares

about Paul Scheer's Desert Island Discs. I think that's something they want to hear from a member of Congress. I can hear what's going on. Secret meeting! No, I can hear it. What if I could get Carly Fiorina? Guys, I'm right here. Paul, do you know Carly Fiorina? I actually do. Do you have her number?

Can I... Wait, to replace me right now? No! Well, not right now. It would take her a while to get here. Especially if she's up north. I would just do it until she got here. She's from Silicon Valley so it would take her a little while. I guess she's probably got a jet so it wouldn't take her that long. If I had a dollar

for every time I was replaced by a person who was running for office and ran for office and either won or lost, I would have over $15. Sure. Oh, I would have over $15. Sure. Oh, I am. By the way, I have some bad news.

Yeah. I've recently been made one of the executive producers of The League on FX. Oh, wow. Wow, congratulations. We're dropping you. What? For the show? We wanted to make room for Jimmy McMillan of The Rent is Too Damn High Party.

Oh, well, that guy. Well, I love his Funny or Die videos, of course. It's really funny. He is a worthy replacement. I have no argument there. Okay. I don't know if you guys have noticed this, but I went back to my polling place this week, and it was like a ghost town.

Really? Yeah, I went back on a Thursday, and it was like... That's weird. It depends on the day of the week. I think it's a day of the week thing. Because I was there on Tuesday. It was like... It's the same deal with my local Dave & Buster's.

If you go on a Tuesday, it's bananas because of the drink specials. Oh, of course. Well, Dave & Buster's has the best drink specials. But if you go on a Wednesday night... Done. Yeah, a lot of nothing. All right, that is good to know. All right.

I would just sleep at the polling place. Okay. So you're there for when it starts going off. Yeah, because I want to make sure I'm there at the top of the day. I mean, I love those stickers. I got a great sticker this week. Those are really good. Did you guys, did you both vote?

Yes. I did vote, yeah. I did as well. It was the first time I ever voted with the hanging Chad kind of thing where you have to puncture a card. Oh, interesting. Do you guys puncture cards? No, to puncture a card. Oh, interesting. Do you guys puncture cards? No, I created an ink stamp.

Oh, really? Yeah. I use an ink blotter. Oh, wow. But it's the kind of ink thing where they don't just give you the piece of paper. You have to turn the pages, and then there's a little strip of holes, and then you punch the ink into the little hole. Oh, wow.

Yeah. It's really unnecessary. Mine is this thing, when I first got a hold of it, and now look, I have a background in elections. We all know that. I used to be a field election deputy for the San Francisco Department of Elections. And there was a lot of stuff that went down during your tenure. Well, hey, there was that box of ballots that washed up on a beach in San Francisco.

Wow. Try that on for size. Now, did that sway the election that those ballots... Were they filled out ballots or just empty ballots? It turned out that they were like discarded ballots. It was not... It would turn... There was a perfectly reasonable explanation for it, but it was very controversial in San Francisco.

Is the explanation that San Francisco people just throw their discarded trash into the water? Yes. Basically. Well, they want to feed the seals who are hanging out by Fisherman's Wharf. And as we all know, seals are the goats of the sea. They just eat anything.

Yeah. It's hilarious to see them eat different stuff. I want a shirt that says, Seals are the goats of the sea. I love that. It's a good slogan. Dear craftier listeners, make us a shirt that says Seals are the goats of the sea and then mail it to us. And I will vote on it

if there is a Sound of Young America or a Jordan Jesse Go podcast shirt kind of thing, I will vote on that. If there's a contest you'll vote for that one. Yeah, that's the one I'll vote for. I think what we know from our experience making t-shirts is what you want to do is have something that doesn't mean anything outside of the context of the active process of listening to a given podcast. So even if you have just listened to it or it's your podcast you're subscribed to and you're about to listen to it, it shouldn't mean anything to you then.

It should only make sense in the specific context of being between two sentences that also happened in this podcast as you're listening to it. I feel like that's the best way to go about it. People will send me quotes from Jordan Jesse Go. Right. go about it. People will send me quotes from Jordan Jesse Go. Right. And I know it's good when I look at it and not only do I not remember saying it, but it doesn't mean anything to me. It does not mean anything. But then it becomes art. Yeah, that's true. Because then it exists on its own. Sure. That's my whole objective.

They're reappropriating. They're remixing. Yeah. It's a mashup. Just like girl talk. Yeah. Or a public mashup. Just like Girl Talk. Yeah. Or a public radio piece about Girl Talk. Sure. Those are always good. There are two kinds of public radio pieces, by the way. There's Hard News and Peace About Girl Talk. Yeah.

Well, the Peace About Girl Talk, is that on Morning Becomes Eclectic? Is that? Oh, no. This is on All Things Considered and Morning Edition and Marketplace. Oh, wow. Weekend Edition, Weekend All Things Considered. The World, certainly. Certainly The World. Well, I mean, the Girl Talks equivalent from Zimbabwe.

Right. Exactly. Well, it's Girl Talk collaborating with someone from Zimbabwe. Oh, sure. And by collaborating with, I mean sampling a two-second. Of hand drums. Yeah. Collaborating with, I mean, sampling a two-second.

Of hand drums. Yeah. Guys, I'm really excited that the San Francisco Giants won the World Series. I had pitched, just for your information, Jordan, I mean, Paul. Sure. Jordan and I had been following with some interest the career of baseball pitcher Booth Bonser. Okay. Is that the guy who looks like the guy from Dazed and Confused? Which guy?

He's sort of a dumpest, Booth Bonser. Does he have long hair that comes out of it? No, that's Tim Linscombe. Okay. Tim Linscombe. You're thinking of Tim Linscombe. Okay. He really does.

Yes, I know exactly the guy who he looks like in Dazed and Confused, and he really does look like him. And he did get arrested for marijuana possession in the offseason. That is the way to go. Yeah. Okay. But that's not – Booth Bonser had been a pitcher for the Giants in the Giants minor league system,

went to the Twins. He was last on the A's. I think he was hurt. I think he was maybe with the Red Sox for a minute. But basically his career has flamed out. it um but basically his career has flamed out i had suggested we replace him in our hearts with giants pitcher madison bumgarner right um jordan felt like that just wasn't in the right sort of stratosphere yeah well here my thing was that we liked to talk about boof bonzer because of his hilarious name right and i thought madison bumgarner which is b-U-M-G-A-R-N-E-R,

was a pretty great name. Yeah. My feeling is that it's, A, it's not hilarious enough. Mm-hmm. And do we need a constant baseball player with a funny name to remark on? I don't think so.

I think we can lead rich, interesting lives. See, I'm not so sure. I'm not so sure. And I'm going to offer you two alternatives. Sure. Now, here's sort of the catch. The catch is that neither of these guys ever made it to the majors for any significant length of time.

And they're both also retired at this point. But they did play professional baseball in the recent past. One of them was a starting shortstop and played second base for the Canadian national baseball team. See, now, look, I haven't heard the names yet. Seems like we're reaching. One of them was a top prospect in uh the atlanta brave system okay um yeah so first i will go with the canadian gentleman an infielder utility infielder

pretty good hitter um may have may have broken into the majors i can't recall if he if he ever got are you there was he was in triple a sort of bouncing around uh stubby clap stubby clap pretty good I have to say hearing this before we even hear the second one right Boof Bonzer is tough to beat

right but Boof Bonzer I mean Boof Bonzer has been we've sucked the juices out of Boof Bonzer okay you have to move on

our friend Mike Pesco who is now the sports reporter for National Public Radio even did a piece for our program talking about Boof Bonser, in which he interviewed various Minnesota Twins beat writers about Boof Bonser. And what was their response? They liked Boof. They liked the Boof. All right.

So now, second name. Okay. WT Mons III. Now. Wow. That is a winner now hold on because i feel that i should explain that what's significant about wt mons the third's name i love it is that the is that the w and the t stand for wonderful terrific. Why are we even having this conversation? That, this, trumps anything I've ever heard.

And he was a top in life. Everything, everything from my wife saying I do to my wedding, this trumps it all. He was a speedy outfielder in the Atlanta Braves organization. Wonderful, terrific. What country is he from now i should i want to say one other thing which is wonderful terrific mons jr yes the second wonderful terrific mons i believe it was a defensive back for the san francisco 49ers in the 70s love it um so i don't know if we want to go with both mons is if we want to bring the old man into it uh wonderful terrific mons senior um if we want

to just go with the youngest one because he is the most recent professional sports experience i'm gonna say this i mean this is my from just hearing this right i feel like you got to go back one more step okay i think i got to get all three of them in there because this is the third we got to find out about the first. Sure. And I feel like this is worthy of a Jonathan Franzen novel. I feel like we need to dig into this. We need to explore their family. And maybe even... Would you say that as Rabbit was to John Updike, so could be wonderful, terrific Mons to Jordan

Jesse Go? Yes. I'm shaking my head in extreme approval. Yes, yes, and yes. I feel like every week we check in, we hear a five-minute story, three-minute story, whatever it is, and we'll find out about their family until they die.

And that way we'll find out not only how did Senior get named Wonderful Terrific. That's the question that we gotta have to, we have to find out. That's the root. That's the root of it. Yeah. Hey we have to find out. That's the root. That's the root of it. Hey, I'm gonna throw it out into our audience. I feel like there are a lot of probably

amateur historians, probably a few professional historians, possibly some, in fact, we know some Mormons with access to genealogical histories. They love those. Yeah. That's how they find out if they're getting into heaven. We got a lot of geniuses out there listening to this program right now.

A lot of would-be geniuses, certainly. And I think this is your opportunity to find out a little something about W.T. Mons III, junior and senior, feed it back to us. This is, I don't know if this is right. I'm going to say it is. I agree know if this is right i'm gonna say it is i agree this is how kim bern started yeah kim bern started the same exact way he found a funny name he likes to laugh at that name was civil war and he went and he figured it out he was he was hanging he was hanging out was funny and he's like what else happened at appomattox whoa this war and you know what he went from a lot of people don't know this but he went from doing

civil war to doing the baseball series yes because he learned about kennesaw mountain landis when he was researching the civil war hey guys can i segue into relating a racist joke i remember from growing pains sure it was on growing pain yes uh. So there was a Growing Pains where Kirk Cameron was cheating on his test by writing the answers on his shoes. Oh, I remember this. Then I stole that. And someone asked him why he had Appomattox Courthouse written on his shoes. And he's like, oh, I have my friends sign my shoes that's a black guy from the basketball team wow wow yes he says it's a black guy from the basketball team

appomattox courthouse that's certainly explanation enough there's no doubt about that you know what i uh to continue on this train of thought here. Yes. Growing Pains is an interesting show because obviously one of the characters was named Boner. Sure. And as a child, I did not understand the double entendre of Boner being that could be dirty as well. So when someone else said something to you about having a Boner, you thought they had a Stabone in their pants. Exactly. I thought they had... They had our thought they had a stabone in their pants. Exactly.

I thought they had our late friend Andrew Koenig in their pants. Yes. That show really was pushing boundaries, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, it really was. Racism. Obscene character names. Like, could you imagine that?

You could never get away with a character named Boner on regular television. You couldn't have like a kid. And it seemed like everyone really liked calling him Boner. Yeah. It's, you know. He was actually named after Merkel's Boner, the famous San Francisco Giants miscue that cost them. Merkel's Boner, Jordan. The famous Merkel's Boner. merkels boner jordan the famous merkels boner maybe i mean maybe it's just a it's a situation

of when growing pains was on the air boner still meant mistake as much as it meant erection uh-huh uh and now it's just segued anyway i do you think that that was a moment or it always meant what we understand it to mean and then like like when did that break happen when did someone go oh yeah that thing of doing things wrong also is this other thing like because there there is a moment there where it breaks up like who goes yeah yeah we're gonna adopt that over here i think it was maybe like a regional thing okay you know how they call uh you know a subway sub hoagie grinder but it would be different because it would be like calling someone a dummy and then a dummy

would also you know be like oh that's when you you know have sex it's like oh wait wait no that never meant that it always meant dummy but now it means this as well like it's i don't know guys again history buffs get out there how, when did boner separate? WT Mons. Here's the history of the boner. I feel like in the introduction to this program, we found two great things for people to work on and research, you know, get in their mouths and chew a little bit.

Yeah, get in there. You know, get it down into your second stomach, bring it back up, chew it a little more, get it down into your third stomach, bring it back up, chew it a little more. Is Kirk Cameron actually a racist? Well well he definitely believes that evolution did not happen because the banana is proof enough have you seen that video no i haven't yeah that sounds that sounds you didn't know this about kirk i mean i knew i know that kirk cameron is now is now a christian

entertainer sure uh he is i would argue, the foremost Christian entertainer. He released a movie called Fireproof about not getting a divorce. Yes. And the most famous thing I think that people parody or look at is a video online where they're talking about evolution. Who is talking about evolution? Who is Kirk Cameron discussing evolution with? A scientist? A scientist slash preacher? I don't know. I don't want to I don't want to sully this gentleman's name.

OK. Yeah. But he is somebody of someone who is renowned in the field. Jonas Salk. Sure. So Salk is there with Cameron. And he and he's talking to he basically says, like, how did evolution happen? And Kirk Cameron is stumped. He goes, I don't know. He goes, that is a difficult question to ask. Let's go to the street and find out. They go to the Santa Monica Promenade, which is kind of like going to 42nd Street or a local mall.

And they go up to people. But with more burnouts. Yeah, more burnouts. And they go up to people and with more burnouts yeah more burnouts and they go up to people and just go explain evolution to me and then everyone is kind of stumped and then they go you see no one can explain it it didn't happen this guy on stilts can't explain it this muscle builder can't explain it and it really is that. It's like they go, explain evolution. And someone will be like, oh, well, we evolved from fish.

Oh, really? So one day a fish just jumped out of the water and had legs. And the woman's like, I don't know. And he's like, you see? You can't explain it. We spent literally two hours taping this. hours taping this and it's and so then they take a banana and and they show that a banana is is built for being peeled uh and that proves that evolution didn't happen because how else i'm forgetting the theory on why the banana is the exact understanding well i mean you're not

a scientist paul so you have a hard time really like catching the understanding of what? Well, I mean, you're not a scientist, Paul. I'm not. So you have a hard time really catching the nuances of what Kirk Cameron is laying down. Certainly. When Kirk Cameron was having that conversation with Mary Curie, Mary Curie was able to explain the situation. You know what? She was stumped. She was very stumped. I can't believe it. I cannot believe it.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Paul Scheer, America's Santa Claus. Jordan Morris boy detective. And Paul Scheer America's Santa Claus. No other countries though. You license it out to other countries. Well, yes. Everyone has their

own. It's like The Office. There's a different one in every country. Hey, Paul, can I ask you just a quick question before we continue with the festivities? I'm noticing your shoes. Yes. You have some handsome slip-ons that have all the characters from Yo Gabba Gabba on it. Yes. Is that

from being on the show? I recently was in Atlanta at the Fox Theater with Jack McBrayer for essentially Kid Mardi Gras, which is Yo Gabba Gabba Live. They get a thousand kids in here into a theater and they

drop balloons and they shoot out confetti and and there's bubbles, and there's singing and dancing. And all the kids show their tits. All of them for beads. For beads. Sure. And jello shots. A lot of jello shots. And jello beans.

Jelly beans. And jello shots. And Jack and I came out. We are on the show, and we do knock-knock jokes of the day on the show. We came out and we did a knock-knock joke to the most enthusiastic audience that would ever hear a knock-knock joke. It was like doing it like the Who performing a knock-knock joke. It was like knock-knock and everyone's like, who's there? Cargo. Cargo.

Cargo. Be beep, beep. And then they love it. And then we performed a dance called the peanut butter smush. And they gave us these shoes that are limited edition shoes. They only make them for kids, but they made a few for the adults. And they're very comfortable. And they're slip-ons. And I'm embarrassed to wear them.

They are my Sunday shoes. I feel like they don't. So you only wear them to church? Only to church And I'm embarrassed to wear them. They are my Sunday shoes. I feel like they don't... So you only wear them to church? Only to church. I think you can wear them. I can wear them out? Yeah, absolutely. They're nice.

I have to say... Paul, you are wearing a Baltimore Ravens baseball cap. You're capturing me in a Sunday outfit that I have put together. It's mainly made up of swag. Yeah, it is. I'm wearing my Yo Gabba Gabba shoes, my Curtis Gwynn and John Gemberling fat guy stuck in the internet shirt, and then also a Baltimore Ravens hat, which I got at the Baltimore Ravens game.

Now, did you go to the Baltimore Ravens game as part of your capacity as a sports-themed entertainer on FX's The League? Indeed, I did. themed entertainer on FX is the League. Indeed I did. We had a gentleman in our show, Mr. Terrell Suggs, and he is a defensive lineman, and he invited us to come see the game, which was amazing. Terrell Suggs, not an unhilarious name.

Terrell Suggs, exactly. A very hilarious name and surprisingly hilarious guy. But yeah, we got to watch the game there and hang out with Ray Rice and his family and Terrell Suggs and his family. Now, let me ask you this. Speaking of names, you had Chad Ochocinco on your show.

A man who changed his surname to match his uniform number. Exactly. Ocho. And I tell you, he gets upset if you call him Ocho. He wants you to call him Cink. Well, yeah. He doesn't want to sound ridiculous. Well, he said to me, he gets upset if you call him Ocho. He wants you to call him Sink. Well, yeah.

He doesn't want to sound ridiculous. Well, he said to me, he goes, if I called you, he didn't know my last name, obviously. But he goes, if I called you just by the first part of your last name, would you like it? And I said, I'd be interested in hearing how it sounds. But so that's how he feels. When people call him Ocho, they're saying just Chat 8 or just 8. He doesn't like that.

He wants to hear Ocho Cinco. But then later on, he referred to himself as Ocho. So I don't know if that theory holds up. I've been enjoying your television program, The League, on the FX network. I've enjoyed Jason Matsoukas'as's performance yes jason matzukas hilarious funny guy he plays rafi on the show he was on four episodes i will say this though uh are you a sports guy are you a sports i here's the thing i i do really like sports but i'm in

this position where because none of my friends especially jordan and my wife nobody cares about sports yes it has to be special for me to get engaged in sports especially because i don't because none of my friends, especially Jordan and my wife, nobody cares about sports. Yes. It has to be special for me to get engaged in sports, especially because I don't have cable. Oh, wow. And I'm a 49ers fan. When it comes to football, I'm a 49ers fan. And because the 49ers are both out of town and lousy.

Yes. They're never on TV here in Los Angeles. Never. Unless you get the every football game package that costs $250 a month,'m not prepared to do no no one needs that and so i can't i don't really follow football anymore because i can't watch the games on tv and it's not i don't really care enough about football to watch other teams i understand that now how about you are you uh uh no no i am i am uh dumb when it comes to sports. Yes.

All right. Join his voice support for watching sports with another person who might be supportive of casual interest in sports. When I am with someone who is a sports person and they will take the time to explain to me why something is dramatic or interesting or who the lovable losers are, then I will have a nice time with it. Then I would say the three of us are in the same boat in the sense that I enjoy sports.

I like going to sporting events. I will not find myself, if it was between watching, say, Hawaii Five-0 or watching a football game, I'm going to watch that Hawaii Five-0 on my DVR. I like the Jets.

I root for them. Are you DVRing Hawaii Five-0? Oh my gosh, yes. It's the best new show on television. You just cut Asian dudes, though. Yeah, I do. I do like Asian dudes with very hard abs and nipples. The show is amazing. I will say that

Hawaii Five-0, just to give it a quick plug, if you like Magnum, and the fun of Magnum, and the violence of 24 to hawaiian 50 it's got it both in spades you're like oh someone's surfing and then gets assassinated on a surfboard how amazing is that and then the the you know the trouble to find the person it's it's a great show it's a great show sorry i didn't mean to rail you you you would you would choose 5-0 over sports well and so what i'm saying is i feel like uh this season even more than last is uh you don't have to know anything about sports and that's what i actually have been

enjoying a lot like the season has become a lot more about these characters and stuff and it's been fun to have on someone like jason manzoukas who is super super funny And the plots are just kind of like sports is in the periphery now. You might have, honestly, in watching an episode, I've watched the first half dozen or so of this season, you might really have one sports joke in the course of an episode. Yeah. That includes something. It's a joke that you wouldn't understand if you didn't know about sports.

And it feels like you can kind of let that one fly you can lose that one for you put that in the ether like now uh i wrote an episode i wrote two episodes this year with nick kroll one of the guys on the show another brilliantly funny fellow super funny and uh we didn't even we were told not even to think about sports until the end and then we just like threw in some sports stuff, pepper, a little flavor. Yeah. So if, if those are,

I always like to get out the word that if you have not watched it, do not be afraid of it. If you're not a sports fan, there's something in there for you as well. Paul, I, yeah, I'm going to be honest with you.

I was in the camp that was a little afraid of it at first. There you go. Uh, fantasy football confuses me when it comes up in my office. Uh, but, but yes, I,

but I started, uh, with the first episode of this season where you guys go to vegas uh hilarious show and definitely i will thank you attest to not knowing uh to to uh not having a lot of sports knowledge does not hinder your enjoyment did you did you have to engage have you engaged in fantasy sports at all yourself like in order to understand what's going on with the world of fantasy sports i'm very uh right now i'm more of a sports fan than i've ever been and i am up to date i have two leagues going and two leagues that i actively watch and and plan and think about and waste time on it's really intense matt belknap our friend from never not funny was over here last night and he was telling me about how he had sworn off of ever doing fantasy sports. He's a big basketball fan. Well, that's impossible. I

mean, that's every night for months. Yeah, and he joined a fantasy basketball league. He joined the fantasy basketball league of his website, a specialthing.com, his wonderful website, and he said he's completely obsessed.'s all he can think about well it basketball and baseball are that fantasy sports lifestyle is not a good one because there are multiple games going on and they're going on for months on end and you have to think way ahead and you got a plan and everything no fun football 13 weeks one day a week you don't have to do anything you can set your team lineup on sunday night saturday night you're done but yeah that i'll tell you i played i used to i used to be a huge huge baseball fan as a kid um and i actually ran a rotisserie

baseball which is rotisserie baseball is the sort of the original fantasy sport yes i ran a rotisserie baseball is the sort of the original fantasy sport. Yes. I ran a rotisserie baseball league from middle school through into high school. And I had to quit because it was literally all I could think about. Were you sitting with a newspaper looking at box scores and doing it? Or were computers at a level that they could handle? The beginning, it was box scores. And by the end, it was computers. And computers only made it worse. Really?

Computers really like it. I only went further down the rabbit hole when it was just me reading baseball weekly cover to cover literally every word of the baseball weekly when it arrived uh that was one thing but then when i could go to baseballweekly.com and read that cover to cover every word, your CBS sports lines. Oh, I do the same thing. Last year, I was in it to win it. This year, a little less. But still, it's like gambling. And you want that win.

And you want that magic. But the thing about fantasy football is the only way that you're good at it, or any fantasy sports, is if you can predict the future and if you are not good at that you will not i will say you will not do a good job like that is it you're just betting on men to do something that you feel that you had some control over like ah yes he scored a touchdown because of me he did five rbis because of me. No, you are not involved in this. Simply luck is like playing a gigantic roulette wheel. So you're saying this is a good way to turn a normal person into some sort of supervillain.

Yes. Or to get that supervillain mentality. Oh, people are abusive on these message boards that I'm on. And they attack and you become angry. It wrecks your Sunday nights when you're losing and it affects everything. You check your iPhone a million times on a Sunday. It's not fun.

So there's a fantasy sports league now and forgive me because it's literally been 12 years since I've done this. You've basically got a built-in website where you're exchanging abusive messages on the website. Yes, there is a message board that you can pop up and follow it. You can put pictures up there. Dick pics? A lot of dick pics. A lot of dick pics. Not just Brett Favre

dick pics. Well, you could share them. If you have them, you share them. Please share them. But it is, yeah, it is an abusive thing. And ours is less abusive than you would imagine, but it still gets to be a lot of taunting, a lot of making fun of. Now, because you are on a television program that is kind of the big public face of fantasy sports, do you feel like people are gunning for you? Do they want to take you down because it's maybe like a badge of honor? Well, because no one knows how i'm doing they assume that i'm doing like my character does on the show which is poorly but then i can surprise them with

some real knowledge as a matter of fact i was on nfl i don't know nfl something last week i was on some television show the nfl network and they have a three-hour show on sunday morning that helps people make their picks for their fantasy football league. You say now, just to clarify, can you restate the number of hours involved in this program? Three hours. Wow. Three hours. That's a lot of Deion Sanders.

And it's four anchors. One is simply manning Twitter. it's four anchors uh-huh uh one is simply manning twitter the other uh the other two are uh talking about some players in general and it was a and one is in charge of interviewing novelty guests our interview consisted of quick picks for the week who do you think who do you think who to sit who to bench make a bold prediction so we were basically on there yelling about players and uh and they all made frank go what they all made fun of me last week for my pick and it turned out to be the only true pick of the day which is i said sit aaron rogers no one believed me got six fantasy points guys i know what i'm talking about

sit that guy i I can control football. Not a lot of points there for you. No, that's not a lot of points. For a quarterback, you're expecting in the 17 to 25 range. See, now I would have played him because he used to play for Cal, I think. Well, you see, you shouldn't just play him.

If I remember correctly, I might be completely wrong. He may well have played for USC. Well, you see, that's the fun of fantasy. Apparently a lot of women do well in fantasy because they like different colors and names and then there's a statistic to say that women are the best fantasy football players because they don't equate the stats they go to the guessing side of it which is equally valid the dick pics they've gotten oh from the various players and they size

them up and they go i'll take this dick pic over this dick pic there's a there's a lady in your there's a lady in your television program yes who if i'm not mistaken is in real life married to mark duplass yes who's a guest on the sound of young america very nice very bright guy yes gifted film director in addition to being a distressingly handsome and funny actor if she was in my league and i can't recall her name, she's also an accomplished director and actress. Katie Asselton. I don't think I could do it. She's too pretty. To just even have her in your league?

Just to have her in my league. Wow. It would upset me. I was... I would just do whatever she told me to. You would listen to her destroy your team. Well, you know what? Maybe that is true.

I think that she may have... She could offer me... Seriously, if I had current 49ers star running back frank or the only good player on the 49ers offense who is again not doing that great in the fantasy yeah she could offer me former 49ers option back harry sydney um from 1992 for frank or. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I'm in. You got it. Yeah, that is the trick of... Yeah. A pretty woman will make you do

really whatever they would like. And in fantasy sports, that would be deadly. But the good thing is you don't have to have a conversation with her. She could be in your league. You don't have to have that conversation.

You just abuse each other on the message board. Exactly. She's not pretty on the message board, my friend. On the message board, she's just text. She's black text on white.

Is there an option? Can you put a little avatar? You could. That's how she could get you. Like how all those girls with big eyes have all the Twitter followers? Maybe just a cleavage shot. If you go on Favestar to check what Twitters are getting the most stars,

a lot of cleavage avatars are getting a lot more points than they should. I didn't even know about Favstar, to check what Twitters are getting the most stars. I've checked it. A lot of cleavage avatars are getting a lot more points than they should. Anyways. Oh, I didn't even know about Favstar. This is the fantasy sports of Twitter. You don't want to get involved. I don't want to look. I'm sure I'm low down on it. My fantasy icon is a negative name to Rob Riggle.

Because Rob Riggle from Daily Show and many other things is in my fantasy league. And my name is a horrible assault on Riggle's body. And then a picture of his face. So I often get confused sometimes reading messages that I even wrote when I see his face. So your name on there is like tiny

dick wrinkle or wriggle or something i mean can we say what we can say whatever you want mine is uh wriggle's hairy pussy and it's a picture of wriggle's face uh in a in a suit and tie now again by the same principle as i would feel uncomfortable with a lady as pretty in the league as, as you, as Katie, I would be afraid of Rob Riggle because he's a huge man. Right. With a fiery intensity. Well, he is, he is intense.

And you can kick it up to 10 at any moment. Right. And you gotta just take it on. You gotta take it on. Cause he's a pussycat underneath all that. Yeah. Yeah. And I would say Katie's a hairy pussycat.

Katie's name is, is quite offensive as well, which is the Duchess of Douche Cockery. Oh. Wow. Yeah, it's a good name. I like that name. That's really solid.

Yeah. Well, we'll be sure to send that over to page six. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Paul Scheer here with us. Here we go. Here's what we got. We have a very special announcement, Jordan. This is how it works. This is a paid announcement. You pay us, we make your announcement. A hundred bucks for a personal message. We had a happy anniversary last week. It was lovely. $150 for a commercial message. We'll, $150 for a commercial message we'll heck we'll plug your

you know your lube brand we don't care we have no dignity none at all less than zero dignity all you have to do is email our development director Teresa at MaximumFun.org I would like to try any lube that I am endorsing right

so please send some tiny packets of lube hey you'd have to get laid to dry it. Oh, man. Wait a minute. No, you wouldn't. Could you use it to masturbate? Why do I set him up like this? Ooh, the left and then the right.

Jesse, I need to recover. Would you just give me that pie? Let me have it. Let me. Oh, shit. Well, at least you can talk clearly through the pie. Yeah, right? I'm glad I put mouth holes in that pie tin.

Sponsored this week, the Speedway Squad Comedy Podcast. These guys are listeners. Their names are Bob Fuger, Jordan Pratt, and Chris Woods. They are out of Vancouver, British Columbia. So you know they're super high. Are you sure? I don't know. I guess I don't have any.

So far, I've said about seven not real jokes and no actual jokes in this segment. I apologize. I feel like you have to should say at least three real jokes for every not real joke you say. Right? It's a good ratio, I guess. You have to kind of earn your fake jokes. Sure. Anyway, the Speedway Squad, they have been going since April of 2008.

They are on episode number 118. They are steady podcasters. It's a show about pop culture. They work in show business in the arts, so they know a little bit about pop culture they work in show business in the arts so they know a little bit about pop culture not unlike me and Jordan and Paul Scheer to a certain extent works in show business as well Yo Gabba Gabba Live specifically

I didn't know if I could talk during this segment oh you can talk as much as you want we just don't want to compel you to talk because it's sponsored content I don't know if you have a clause in your contract about sponsored content. I have a clause in my contract about talking about Canadian podcasts. Sure. So this is going to be rough, but I think I can bend it.

You're only supposed to talk about... In fact, we pay you to talk exclusively about our podcast brothers, Stop Podcasting Yourself. Exactly. Out of Vancouver as well. Exactly. And that is what I have to get behind them as a brand. Well, look, we give you special dispensation

in this case to also address the Speedway Squad comedy podcast. They've been featured on iTunes Canada. They have been mentioned on two good friends of ours programs, Mike Schmidt's show, The 40-Year-Old Boy,

and Jimmy Dore's program, Comedy and Everything Else. So, I don't know. Their name is a simpsons reference oh is it really it is speedway squad is that something from the simpsons uh in the uh second part of the who shot mr burns episode right uh who shot mr burns maggie maggie yeah uh seems like kind of a cop-out in retrospect. Yeah. Sure. Absolutely. And that he didn't really die.

Yeah. That, to me, was the biggest cop-out. Was that the beginning of the end of The Simpsons in the sense that... Yeah. I feel like... In the sense that I had then become 13. But there is something about The Simpsons where I feel like they're there. They will always be there. But I don't watch them anymore.

I don't feel compelled to watch them. I love the Banksy thing. That was cool. That was kind of neat. But I feel like now it's how could you even produce more new ideas when you've done so many with these characters? Yes. Oh, man. That's a can of worms.

I'm curious. Well, we can continue to talk about these Canadian podcasts. This sounds like the kind of thing they might talk about on the Speedway Squad podcast. Okay, so what is the reference? I want to know what the reference is for. Oh, that episode starts out with Smithers having a dream that he's in like a 70s era TV show. It's called Speedway Squad. Hey, do you remember that one sentence episode where the guy, the really old guy, he goes, I said Boo earns.

I do. I loved that. It was the critic crossover episode. It was a lot of fun when he said that. Anyway, Speedway Squad podcast, you can find them in your iTunes, both American and Canadian. Well, let me tell you what I'm going to do. Okay, what are you going to do, Paul? I like this ad so much. Yeah? Wow.

I'm going home right now, after the show is over, and downloading. Okay, you are going to wait until we finish recording. Yeah, until we finish. You will not just leave in the middle. Wow. I'm going home right now after the show is over and downloading. Okay. You are going to wait until we finish recording. Yeah, until we finish. You will not just leave in the middle. No, I will not leave in the middle. I'll wait until we're done and then I'm going to download all 118 episodes.

I'm going to listen to them back to back to back. Wow. Right. I'm going to come in and tell you what I thought of all of them. I'm going to write you notes. Are you going to take notes on each one? Each one. Quick notes.

Seems like that might maybe destroy your personal and professional life a little bit. Nope. I think this is my calling and I'm going to do it. Here's an idea I thought of. I would advise against it. What if you had a Speedway Squad podcast commentary podcast, the Speedway Squad podcast podcast? How about the Speedway Squad pit crew and it is a commentary on the Speedway Squad. I'm just throwing that.

It was a great idea. I feel like we're in. I'm the boss of a podcast network. Yeah. If you're interested in getting this thing kickstarted. I kind of like it. Let's do it. Okay.

Fair enough. If you want to sponsor an episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go, just email Teresa at Teresa, T-H-E-R-E-S-A, at MaximumFun.org. By the way, I feel like it bears mentioning, we will also accept longer, broader sponsorships for real commercial businesses that

want more than just one mention. So if I'm Mr. Chick of Mr. Chick-fil-A, I can say to you... John Chick, sure. I go, listen, gentlemen, I'd like you to talk about my delicious chicken sandwiches. I know they don't need any advertising. And I occasionally talk about them for free yeah but but would you be interested if i gave you 150 to do that now look if you're asking if a certain cheese cheesy snack company right came to us and said do you have any any ideas? Would we say to them, yes, for X amount of money,

we would fill up a pool with your cheese snack product and jump into it and go swimming in it? I would say yes, that has happened. Wow. We have put that on the table. We have not received your response yet. They're considering it for their next cycle. Got it.

But we do work with major corporations. Just email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. I like that. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Paul Scheer, world's best grandpa.

That's one of the best ones ever. That's great. That's fantastic. You know, guys, there are a lot of questions in the world that are difficult to answer. Sure. Who shot Mr. Burns, for one. And there's only one true authority to whom we can turn. That man is the master of Would You Rather, Jim Rea.

Jim, welcome back to Jordan, Jesse Go. It's been too long, my friend. Oh, it's been so long. So good to be here, guys. Hi. Oh, it's always a pleasure to speak with you, Jim. Up there in the house, how's the San Francisco Bay Area treating you? Oh, it's great.

People are bubbling with excitement over the improbable Giants World Series victory. The weather's great. Hey, you know, I feel like I should mention, in honor of the San Francisco Giants World Series victory, I have gone to baseballreference.com, the primary baseball statistical repository on the Internet, and sponsored the page for Don Caveman Robinson in honor of Jordan Jesse

Go. This was a business expense. I believe it cost me $15. But now if you search, if you Google Don Caveman Robinson, you click on baseball reference, you will see an advertisement for Jordan Jesse Go. In fact, I encourage everyone out there to do that. Wow, I want to see that. A salute to Don caveman robinson was there any star wars characters in attendance during the uh the

giants win because i know that lucasfilm is at the presidio i feel like chewbacca should have thrown out a pitch at the world series as he sort of should have had that sort of like like they'll always have a tony bennett there anytime the giants anytime the giants are doing something important opening day they make the playoffs you have some guys Bennett there. Anytime the Giants are doing something important opening day, they make the playoffs. You have some old guys from the Grateful Dead. You have some guys from Starship. You have Huey Lewis, of course, will always turn out.

And you're suggesting we add to that Chewbacca. Chewbacca and or Robin Williams. I feel like those are two San Francisco institutions that are not represented. Insufficiently represented. Okay, well. Only in Mrs. Doubtfire costume. That's my own thing. Here's how would you rather. What about Bicentennial Man robot suit? He can fight Chewbacca. But what era

Bicentennial Man? When he becomes too human or when he's very robot? Oh, I haven't actually seen it. Oh, I have and sorry for me. Here's what's going to happen. Jim Rayall, the master of Would You Rather, is going to give us two choices. We're going to discuss our preferences. If we have questions about them, we can, of course, ask Jim.

He is the master of Would You Rather. At the end of the question and answer period, when we have made our considerations, each of us will make our selection, and Jim Rayall, the master of Would You Rather, will tell us whether we are correct or incorrect. Got it. Jim, what's this week's Would You Rather? All right. Would you rather have incredibly beautiful penmanship or be able to barbecue real well? Oh, wow.

All right, well, this is a, I would, this is first of all a fascinating one because I think it's something that people want, both sides of it. Right. Are you a vegetarian if you know how to barbecue? So my question is, if you are a great barbecuer, can you actually put that to good use?

Oh, sure. Yeah, if you don't eat meat, you, can you actually put that to good use? Oh, sure. Yeah. If you don't eat meat, you're going to barbecue your zucchinis or your bell peppers real well. Okay. Okay. So you're not going to make me a vegetarian and a great barbecue person, so I would be hindering myself. All right.

So this is good. And so we are us in this scenario. We don't have some sort of weird job we're we're us we're in the state we are now we don't live in a weird place that this is what i'm asking yeah this is this is you um so yes now um i am someone who has very good penmanship already i would like it to even be better i've been told that i have good penmanship. But what kind of doors is this opening up? Are either of these opening up doors for us, or we're just living a normal life? Well, that kind of depends on what you want to do with your penmanship or barbecue power. Yeah, I think that it would open up certain doors. If you had this incredibly perfect penmanship, there would probably be some sort of graphic art door, possibly.

I love it. Maybe you could do the signs of Trader Joe's. Who knows? So we are essentially... Those are great. We are the best. There is no one better than us at us. Or so there's no one better than us. You are tops. Perfect.

And this penmanship, does this move over into maybe some antiquated forms of penmanship? Calligraphy. Sanskrit. Yeah, yeah. Sand mandala. Cambria.

I have a question for you. I feel like there's a very clear answer to this. You can't just check whether it's right before you make a pick. That's what it seems like you're building for. I'm going to say, is it something that would be surprising? Is it not what we think? I mean, because I'm already feeling a strong urge in a direction. Is that a bad question?

I'm going to disallow that question. That's a ridiculous question. Let me ask you this question, Jim. If I'm really good at barbecuing, does that include both an open flame barbecue and a smoking situation, operating a smoker, slow cooking, direct heat and indirect heat? You have perfected the general arts of grilling.

Wow. Are you a master of the foreman grill? Is it just anything that is kind of a heated surface? Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, if you're using a foreman grill, you know, that's like, that's child's play. Can you, all right, so you can then cook on other services or no? Are you relegated to only grill? You can't cook on services that aren't for cooking.

You can't, you're not just magically great at cooking an egg on a mirror. What about those guys who barbecue on their engine block? Yeah, car engine blocks. That's a kind of barbecuing. Is that a skill that you have? Well, I mean, yeah. If it is related to grilling, yeah, you can grill in different places. This isn't about limiting.

You can only be on your barbecue terrace, period. What I have now, I got to be clear with you, Jim. I live in an urban environment, Los Angeles, California. My barbecuing means are very limited. I have a very small kettle barbecue that I put out on the back porch, which is, I mean, frankly, the back porch, you've got to go down the path to get to the back porch.

Right, right. It's not even attached to my house. Right. Would I, like, automatically get, like, a nice big gas grill or something? Like, would I be issued any equipment? No. No, you wouldn't. Oh.

You have to make, but imagine you on that gas grill. People are like, this is the best burger I've ever made. You must have eaten. This must have been made on an expensive gas grill. No. This little guy right here. This little... Yeah, it might make your barbecuing skills all the more impressive, you know, if you

just have a little... Yeah, chicks. Chicks who love barbecues. I love the smoker. The smoker really opens up doors yeah because i'm here's what you like you want to make a brisket right i want to make a nice brisket a nice pork loin um yeah ribs a good pork loin you could really smoke out too it's really there's a lot of good options here i i i'm gonna also mean, I always ask this question. Every time this question comes up.

Every time it comes up. Penmanship v. Barbecue. Is their nuclear holocaust foreseeable or has it happened? Because obviously one of these skills would come in very handy if one of those things were to happen. Penmanship, because you need to retain knowledge. The most important thing is the ability to collect and retain knowledge. Like Book of Eli, I would have to bring the Bible to deserving people.

Right. And sure, and somehow take out Gary Oldman in the process. Fantastic movie. If you haven't seen it, you should blind yourself just like Denzel Washington. Oh, spoiler. Yep. Jim, does an apocalypse enter

into this at all? Should we anticipate or assume an apocalypse? The apocalypse question should be off the table. You don't, you can't foresee that, you know. Okay. We will assume that

the world Will continue So you will not say at the end of this after we made a choice Like, aha, you thought that was the right answer But now there is a nuclear apocalypse Let's talk about materials With penmanship I mean, obviously I'm going to have great penmanship With mechanical pencil

I presume I'm going to have great penmanship With a nice Ballpoint or even one of those reservoir type situation pens, you know, those little... What about India ink? A brush in India ink? Yeah, you got it. No, if there's a writing implement in your hand, you are a magician. And is it just with English? Could you do Japanese characters?

Yeah, you don't know Japanese. I mean, you're not really going to know what you're writing, but yeah, you know, it's... But you could duplicate that. You could transcribe something. Yeah. Wow.

I'm ready. That could make you a really powerful monk. Yeah. Oh, yeah, definitely. For sure. Okay, well, yeah, definitely. For sure. Okay, well, it sounds like Jordan's ready. Paul, are you about ready to make your pick? I am ready.

Okay, Jordan, let's start with you. What's your selection? Well, I'm going barbecue. Uh-huh. I feel like I have less and less cause to write something by hand these days, and I think with technology being like it is, that's only going to get more severe. I mean, when's the last time you wrote a check?

Am I right, guys? Am I right? He's right. He is very right. Yeah, and I've always wanted to be better at cooking than I am. It's a little bit of a fantasy of mine. Maybe I have a little more free time, maybe trying to become a better food preparer.

So the thought of just jumping right to best in the world, very appealing to me. Like Jesse, I'm concerned about space. I have an even smaller space than Jesse does, definitely no outside space. Don't know where I'm going to put this barbecue. I'm saying if I am magically awarded these powers, I'm going to move move i'm going to move in order to uh in order to uh to to expound on this gift in the meantime there's pits at griffith park absolutely let's get out there i'm gonna practice throw around the throw around the frisbee right uh so yeah so i love the idea of being an expert uh barbecue guy uh i'm taking that paul what's your

choice well um i'm going to i'm looking here at the studio audience, and a lot of the people are, I'm going with them, and I'm going with my own thought, which was barbecue. Right. And the barbecue, it was a strong feeling right at the top. I feel like the ability to be able to eat trumps the ability to be able to spell, write, because I can communicate with my voice. Well, eating is what separates us from the animals. Exactly. Basically, any animal can write. animals can eat they die immediately uh so that is that is my theory that i would rather sustain instead of you know uh you know life is full of questions

and i want to be able to provide and that that's where I'm coming from, providing. Well, gentlemen, it has been a long time since we have had a unanimous consensus on the panel here for Would You Rather. I mean, generally what happens, if I remember correctly, is I get it right and Jordan gets it wrong. Sure. However, I'm going to cast my lot in with you, gentlemen. I'm going to cast my lot in with you gentlemen as far as I can tell the best case scenario of having really beautiful handwriting is that someone will assume you're a pretty girl, want to meet

you and then you're just going to disappoint them. Exactly. Or get gay raped. Yeah, exactly. Gay anger raped. Right. Well in this case it would be heterosexual gay raped because it's a straight guy that's gay raping you because he's disappointed that it's

all gay he would make you wear a bag over your head with your handwriting on it so he could get he could get erect he could see the hearts that are over your eyes yes um but i and i'll tell you i'm gonna be frank with you guys i fucking love barbecue oh i love delicious i love barbecue there's nothing i love more i how great would it be to be like oh yeah ribs come on over i'm I fucking love barbecue. Oh, I love barbecue. It's delicious. I love barbecue. There's nothing I love more. How great would it be to be like, oh yeah, ribs, come on over. I'll make it.

I don't even have to think about it. I could be watching TV and I'm going to make you great ribs. Yeah. I mean, look, I'm not going to tell you guys that I can't make ribs right now because the reality is I can make a decent rib.

Sure. But the difference between these ribs that I'm going to smoke in my own smoker that I'm going to buy, like Jordan, I'm going to apply some resources towards this question. Sure, yeah, yeah. This is the same resources I would have spent on India Inc. anyway. You've been given a magical gift.

You cultivate it. Can I even bring out another point? Sure. Please. Are any of us even sure that we have had anyone who has barbecued like in the top five the top five best barbecuers have we eaten their food no I don't think I have so Justin it would just be a privilege just to get to enjoy that yeah we haven't even know we don't know what that tastes like we don't even

understand here's another thing about it I feel like, I feel like it belongs to me to, it is within my grasp to be the greatest barbecuer of all time because I enjoy cooking. I like to prepare food for friends. Just last night, I prepared some food for our friend Matt Belknap from Never Not Funny. Wow. I, it, it's something that means something to me. Now, handwriting, I have always had extrably bad handwriting. In contrast to a Paul Scheer, my handwriting is... Pretty girl handwriting. And getting raped all the time.

It's completely illegible. Constantly. And frankly, my handwriting, despite being completely illegible, is better than either of my parents' handwriting, which are so spectacularly illegible, despite growing up in the handwriting era, that you literally, people,

like my wife will get a note from my mom. My wife will have to hand it to me and say, what does this say? Because she sincerely cannot read it. So I feel like it's sort of important to me in a sort of like like the same way that like the sort of black power movement felt like it was important not to process your hair. This is natural hair to me, shitty handwriting. All right.

It's sort of like it is of my people. It's my culture. It belongs to me. So I'm going barbecuing as well because I'm really excited about this brisket I'm going to make. I feel like we are setting ourselves up for a disappointment here, but Jim will tell us. I have to find out. Jim, you are the master of Would You Rather, and your decision on this matter is final. Are we correct or incorrect?

Wow. Wow. This is a big one, Jesse. And, you know, I was actually really pulling for a particular result that you ended up screwing up in the end, Jesse. Ah! Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay.

Because Grillmaster Jordan has poised himself to end his losing streak, and I was hoping for the Major Jordan over Jesse Upset, but unfortunately you all got it correct. Yes. Yes. Hey, I'd rather, Jordan, I'd rather it be a winner with you than a winner over you. Well, now that I think about it, I'd rather it be a winner over you.

I get that. That's just reality. I get that. You're a great friend and all. Sure. But you want to be better. Yeah, absolutely. I get that. You know, the sign of a better friend is if they beat their friend and all. Sure. But you want to be better. Yeah, absolutely. I get that.

You know, the sign of a better friend is if they beat their friend at something. Oh, of course. You know that from FX Television's The League. Exactly. TVMA. There is no box. Yeah. Jim, tell us why.

Well, guys, you touched on many of the major points of why Grillmaster BBQ Chef is the right option. But basically, you know, it just comes down to it being a delicious choice. It's very practical. It's very American. And you guys will not only enjoy this yourselves, but this skill will really be valued by your friends and family. Hey, Jim, did I touch on anything? Because I feel like I found something here saying that none of us have even tasted probably the best barbecue ever. So is that factoring into this decision as well, that it would be mind-blowingly good if you were to have the best of something?

Yeah, I wouldn't even know where to go to get the best. Who has had the best of anything? I don't know of any of us have. Yeah, Paul, that just sounds heavenly. Yeah. Well, Jim, it is always a joy to have you on Jordan, Jesse. It had been too long, and this was a real pleasure. Thank you so much for taking the time. Absolutely, guys.

So much fun as always, and I can't wait until next time. Here's hoping the Oakland A's win the World Series next year. Man, we are really drumming up some exciting play. We're not there yet, but we've got the excellent pitching. We just need to develop some good position players, and we'll be ready to go. Hey, you want Barry Zito back? Jesus Christ, man. That guy's got a lot to think about during this off-season. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Gow.

Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you It's Jordan, Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Paul Scheer, VCR Expert. Man, jeez, you've come out of the gate with like three solid nicknames. They're better than ours, frankly. All three have been better than ours.

I thank you for that. And I would rank i would rank america's santa claus and world's greatest grandpa among the top nicknames we've ever had and you can't you came up with those just off i mean unless you've been no i've not been writing yes i was even a little bit disappointed by vcr expert but i thought it was okay it was it was no it's it's very good. I mean, you know... But I liked America's Santa. That one really made me laugh.

Jordan, you got an email. No. Now, I want to be clear. When I say that you got an email, I actually got the email because my email address, which is jesse at maximumfun.org, is a public email address, while yours is a private email address. But sometimes people will say, you know, I want to convey a message to Jordan. Sure. Yeah, of course, if you send it to me. I'm Salinger-esque in that way.

You are, in more than one way. Sure. That's actually your email address, Salinger-esque at Hotmail.com. Ah! Well, there that goes. I am actually, on Xbox Live, I am the real J.D. Salinger. And that happened before he passed. So it is very fun to play.

It's the funniest Xbox Live game ever. And before he passed, people would go, come on, J.D. Salinger. What are you doing, J.D.? That's great. It is endless hours of enjoyment. I'm sure maybe half of the people you're playing Halo don't even understand the reference. Exactly. The real JD

Salinger at Xbox. Okay, so here's a little background on this email. I was invited to officiate a wedding, which I'm going to officiate between a Jordan Jesse Goh listener, a fervent Jordan Jesse Go listener, his occasional Jordan Jesse Go listener wife-to-be in Seattle, Washington.

So in December, I'm going to be flying to Seattle, Washington to officiate this wedding. On your own dime? On my own time between these two lovely people. Okay. Not on my own dime. They're going to be paying, they're buying my plane flight and putting me up in a hotel. Got it. Yeah, I don't, I don't get that kind of money. Yeah, I know. Well, that's why I was curious. But they're, you know, I'm going up there to do this. I'm really happy to do it. We met them. They're wonderful people. Oh, great. I'm very excited

about doing it. And there was some question, frankly, about why, not only why they asked me to do this and not jordan but but it turned out that uh this guy knew jordan through his this guy works in the video game industry okay and jordan covers the video game industry sometimes for fuel tv so he had met jordan and in fact not only did he not ask jordan to officiate the wedding but he kind of rubbed his nose in it by asking if Jordan thought that I would say yes if he asked me. Is that a fair characterization, Jordan? Yes, that is a good summation of what happened. And so I have openly wondered who is going to be the first person to have Jordan officiate

their wedding. So I think it's only fair. Of course. Right? There are two guys on this podcast. Now, we received an email from Jack and Sarah from Lincoln, Nebraska. I'm just going to read the email. It was addressed to me. Dear Jesse, my fiance Sarah and I are huge fans of Jordan Jesse Go.

We felt really bad for Jordan being left out of your invitation to officiate a wedding. for Jordan being left out of your invitation to officiate a wedding. So, we would like to invite him to be in charge of the guest book at our wedding in Nelson, Nebraska. Wait, be in charge of the guest book? We will also offer him transportation from the Grand Island, Nebraska airfield and free lodging in the Oxbow Motel. Please relay this request to Jordan. We eagerly await his reply.

That's pretty good. I think this is a pretty generous offer. Wait, in charge of the guest book is not a free schedule. Somebody's got to be in charge of the guest book. No, you leave that on the table. Paul, no, somebody's got to be in charge because somebody could walk away with a pen. Then there's no pen. Nobody can sign the fucking thing.

I don't know. I feel like you're getting played here. I feel like you're getting played.. I feel like you're getting played. You think I should hold out? Yeah. Hold out for efficient. Hold out for at least two things. Efficient or guest book person and toast.

Make a toast. Oh, yeah. I've maybe even offered, and this is something I have a little bit of experience at. I've offered bachelor party planner. Yeah. Oh, that's a good idea. You did a great job planning my Bachelor Party. Where'd you guys go?

All over the place. To hell and back, my friend. Hell and back. Wow. To the very core of the earth. Maybe you've seen a little movie called The Hangover. Oh, yeah. Of course, yeah. That was a documentary. We watched that.

Wow. We watched an early cut of that movie. Oh we watched that wow we watched an early cut of that movie oh all right you got us an early yeah yeah you got it on the phone it had time code nice yeah some scenes were cut out jordan i for one i mean you frankly you guys are both responding i think callously to this offer no i for for one, am really touched by this. And I want to offer, in addition to this, I personally, from funds donated by Maximum Fund.org listeners, but those are my business. That's my business. That's your business. I personally will offer out of my own business pocket of donated money, I would like to offer to buy you a ticket to the Grand Island, Nebraska airfield.

In Lincoln, Nebraska. In Lincoln, Nebraska or near Lincoln, Nebraska. It sounds to me like a very small, it's not an airport, it's an airfield. Yeah, yeah. This could be a dangerous John Denver situation. Well, I mean, I'm not offering to get you your own plane. Or make me a plane. It would be like that airline from Wings.

It would be like you'd have some ethnic guy. So hilarious. So it would be hilarious. Let me pitch out what I would offer. I have no funds from MaximumFund.org. Your funding is completely independent. It's completely independent. Comes in no small part from Yo Gabba Gabba Live.

No small part from those guys. It's from a small corporation, a technological corporation in New Guinea that I get a sizable chunk of money from for research and development. And I would pay you. He actually invented electric light for New Guinean purposes. That I get a sizable chunk of money from for research and development. And I would pay you. He actually invented electric light for New Guinean purposes. Exactly. So in New Guinea, he holds the patent for electric light. Now, they don't know that it has been invented.

Right. That's something where I was able to take advantage of their culture. Now, I don't want to get into the specifics of that, but it's made me a very wealthy man. Yeah. And very famous in New Guinea, as the children will read in the school books that, but it's made me a very wealthy man and very famous in New Guinea as the children will read in the school books that I've brought that to them. He's the man who invented the thing that one day he'll tell them about. Exactly.

In the meantime, he collects royalties on it. In the meantime, I am just piling up loads of cash. And what I want to offer you is a round trip. Okay. Round trip. Bus ticket. Okay. okay round trip i bus ticket okay from los angeles to lincoln nebraska all right where you will podcast the entire time right so this will be like an epic mini series podcast okay and then

you will go there so just be me and like a little recorder kind of going mad exactly okay who are you on the bus with who you're having conversations with and then i'm going to up the ante and say if you interrupt the wedding uh and and object to them getting married yeah and i think you should object to them getting married because you feel that the efficient is not perfect and that you would like to do a better job and then that would be that would be the end of it i would like to pay for you to go on a bus i am literally offering you first class tickets in a coach area. Yes. Of the airplane. Aisle or window.

Yeah. If available. It's your choice if available. I mean, in those small planes, everything's an aisle and a window. Sure. In addition to the plane ticket, which I will pay for. Okay. And we're talking about, I mean, I don't know how much it costs to fly to Lincoln, Nebraska.

It's got to be $500. For him to stand by a book. Yeah. Well, somebody's got to take care of it. These people invited him to be part of the most special day of their lives, Paul. Clearly, they have their priorities not in check. These people are putting him, look, they're not putting him up at some fucking fleabag whatever. Oh, Oxbow Motel? He's staying at the Oxbow Motel.

That sounds like, let's Google oh oxbow motel motel that sounds like this is a good place google the ox yeah let's let's see how four star this is if the oxbow motel has a geocities site we will be in trouble this is a good this is a good place to stay okay here we go oxbow motel it's in nelson nebraska um it's on merchant circle.com which is good you can i mean you can find it on b2b yellowpages.com i am looking at the picture in the google map and it looks in a desolate part of town it's in this look it's in the read one of the reviews one of the reviews business listing of the city of nelson nebraska now are there reviews frankly i don't see any right now um i don't see it on a lot of sites that would have reviews there and even you hit that image button let's see if there's a picture of the oh here it is on haunted motels.com um travel post

it does have a picture of well it's right it's only a few blocks from harbin park so that's something oh that's nice wow you know what i'm rethinking this i hear that's a great gay pickup area so i am gonna load up the picture here oh this is a great chance for you to get killed yeah this is just you know i have been meaning to be murdered yeah so the picture does appear to be purely abstract it's sort of a nightmare situation it's like a nightmare vortex yeah you're doing i don't know what this is supposed to be a picture of you're looking 360 at it looks like a field of stars yeah it's uh it's very bizarre it's a kaleidoscope without color it looks like the google street views okay now here you can see sort of a hazy skyline of some kind wow this, this is weird.

I've never seen a Google Street View this creepy. I think go, and I think go and podcast the entire time. Well, here's what I am saying to this. Okay. Yes, it's shitty that you're asking me to man the guest book. No, it's fucking, they're asking you to be part of the most, you're not married. You don't know how important this is. Paul is married. Was it not one of the most amazing days of your life? It was, but we had no guest book. No, it's a fucking, they're asking you to be part of the most, you're not married. You don't know how important this is. Paul's married. Was it not one of the most amazing days of your life? I'm sick of the married guys ganging up on me. Wasn't it important for you

to think about choosing each person because you're sharing this? Yes. Everybody that was important was chosen with a reason. It was a small wedding, and every choice was important. Right. I will say we did not have a guest book post because I would feel that that would be an insult to any person close to me. But someone probably could have walked away with a pen at any time. As a matter of fact, we did not have a guest book.

There you go. Well, it seems like you made a big mistake. You could have had a major podcast celebrity there manning it. I could have had Jimmy Pardo. Do you think I could have gotten Jimmy Pardo to come up? mistake. You could have had a major podcast celebrity there manning it. I could have had Jimmy Pardo. You probably were trying to save on personnel. Do you think I could have gotten Jimmy Pardo to come up? Oh, I bet you could have gotten Leo Laporte. Yeah. I say you could have gotten

Adam Curry, my friend. Oh, look at that. The podfather himself. I like that. I will do it. I am happy to do it despite it feeling a little downgraded from Jesse's thing.

And I guess I only consider it a slight compared to Jesse gets to do the big thing and I get to do the weird sidekick thing, which is fine. I get it. I get it. Can I jump in as your agent in wedding podcasting things?

Yes. Have you signed an agreement of any no it's all handshakes yeah okay um good faith you should have transportation provided for you all weekend okay that throw that yeah yeah no sure absolutely yeah i will demand more because they're only saying they're gonna pick you up from the airport and bring you to that hotel so will they like will they rent him a car i know I think he needs to be driven around by a local town car. I need a driver. Not a town car.

I don't think they have town cars there. Volkswagen, Jetta, or better. Yeah, that's what I say. So you want an import? Yes. Wow. Something German. Well, Volkswagens don't break down.

He has to get there to cover the book. To be fair, Volkswagens do break down. I don't know. Very low quality scores on the Volkswagen. One of the most breakdown-y cars there is. Well, I only know what I know about Volkswagen from a little-known Dudley Moore movie called Crazy People, where he said

boxy but good. I only know that. And that movie was about Dudley Moore going to an insane asylum and using those people for ad executives. So rent it. It's good. I would be happy to do it. I think it sounds like a lot of fun.

In general, I like weddings. I like seeing new parts of the country. I think this will be great. I want to say I have gotten two requests to actually officiate the wedding. I'm sorry, what? Whoa. I've gotten two requests via Twitter for people who have asked me to officiate their wedding. You didn't even mention it on the wedding. I'm sorry, what? Whoa! I've gotten two requests via Twitter for people who have asked me to officiate their wedding.

You didn't even mention it on the show! I was saving it up until it got firm. Well, here's the thing. I contacted both of these people back. Uh-huh. And I said I would like to do it. Yeah. I am very enthusiastic about it. In general, I'm enthusiastic about randomly entering the lives of listeners.

Right. I think it's great great and frankly the vaginas of listeners as well whatever yeah I'll enter it

you'll take what you can get so I guest book thing I'm enthusiastic about the two people who asked me to officiate I will do it I contacted them

they did not contact me back I'm guessing maybe they contacted contacted me without asking their wives-to-be yet. Uh-huh. And the wives-to-be got mad. We're assuming these are fellas. These are both fellas, yes. Right.

And they may have not have, well, yeah, that's a bold question. Maybe they didn't think you were going to write back. I will say, with the gentleman whose wedding I'm officiating, we had a meeting that i i thought was i i assumed it was going to be the kind of meeting where we're talking about different stuff like what the format is going to be and that kind of thing that was part of it i also got the impression that part of it was him demonstrating to his fiancee that i wasn't some crazy person right right it was clear that he was the driving force behind this rash decision.

I was guessing when I didn't hear back from these guys, and frankly, I was a little disappointed because I was excited about it, that they maybe did not run this by the women first and got shot down. Guys, I'm saying that's okay. If you still want me to do it, I'm enthusiastic. And I'm also saying yes to guest book.

And if you don't have a way to get in touch with Jordan, you can email us at jjgoeatmaximumfun.org. And I will make sure Jordan sees it so he can email you back without us giving out his public email address. It may have been just a technological confusion around Twitter. Absolutely. It happens. DMs get lost sometimes, from what I understand.

Ask Salinger at Hotmail. Yeah, sure. Yeah, JD Salinger 420. JD Salinger 42069. 42069, juggalo forever. So yes, in general, I like these ideas, and I'm maybe even looking forward to officiating more weddings than you, Jesse.

Let the wedding rally begin. So I don't understand. Are you going to Lincoln, Nebraska in October, or what? Yes, time permitting. Next year. Let me know the date. I am enthusiastic about going. I don't... Something I can plan for in advance. I am enthusiastic about going. I don't...

Something I can plan for in advance. Yes, Lincoln, Nebraska. When is it? When is the wedding? We're talking about October 2011. Okay, sure. You've got 11 months. I'm committing to that now.

Great. Fantastic. I've committed to buying you an airplane ticket. Great. I love it. I love what's happening here. And the other two people who asked me to officiate, I'm in. Re-get in touch with me.

Please podcast that. I feel like that I would, as a listener and a fan, I would love- You would want to hear the ambient sound from a stranger's wedding. Well, I would like to hear your travels. Yeah. No, no, sure. Absolutely. Like a little check-in, maybe like a 30-second here and then push together and see what that

weekend was like. Absolutely. You're going to be a stranger in a strange land. Yes. With people that you don't know for an entire weekend. But if I know our listeners, all I have to do is be a stranger in a strange land yes with people that you don't know for an entire weekend but if i know our listeners all i have to do is bring up stranger in a strange land and then boom and then we're we're in we'll be back in just a second i'm jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective paul sheer all out of interesting catchphrases that's fine no it's Jordan Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris boy detective

Paul Scheer all out of interesting catchphrases that's fine no it's fine don't worry about it you did good you did good

you did good I felt pressure and then I you know I actually forgot that we were introing again and I got caught off guard Paul just rest

just rest Paul you've done enough you had a big day this show was so much fun for me yeah a blast that we didn't even we didn even have time to take any calls.

We didn't have time. I got this list of topics. I didn't even get to talk about Thanksgiving. Whoa. I'm going to put that on the list for next week, though. I'm going to put Thanksgiving down. Just to make sure that next week we're going to talk about Thanksgiving. I don't want to miss talking about Thanksgiving.

And I'll listen to it in my car and talk along with you, and it'll be fun. Yeah, just try and quip along yeah sure we're looking for some research about the Mons family

yes 206-9844-FUN if you want to do it by phone or you can develop this on the web forum as well

at maximumfun.org slash forum I'm really looking forward to learning some more about WT Mons the third

senior and of course, junior. Right. We do want that. Sorry. I guess I threw to you on that like there was something for you to add, but there really wasn't. No, I agree. It's a good idea.

And if you are still looking for something to whet your appetite, I, as a fan of words, I would like to figure out when Boner split into two separate ideas. Yeah. So we're looking for some etymology on Boner and some genealogy on the Mons family. M-O-N-D-S. W.T. Mons III from the Atlanta Braves organization. Hey, I want to throw in before we go.

Yes. Just before we recorded this, I recorded our first episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast, the brand new podcast for MaximumFun.org. Very excited. It is a spinoff of this podcast.

Of course, this was one of our most popular segments. This is the Frazier to our cheers. Yeah, absolutely. And I'm sure it will be just as big of a hit. We've introduced an adorable dog, a cranky dad. I love it.

A beautiful British woman. This sounds great. And David Hyde Pierce. That sounds like an amazing recipe. All the rest of them are just something that's analogous, but David Hyde Pierce wasn't doing anything. That's great that you could get him. Yeah, we got him.

We got him. He came out, so he did that. And then he was like, well, what now? We're like, come be on our podcast. We got him. He came out, so he did that. And then he was like, well, what now? We're like, come be on our podcast. You're great, by the way, David Hyde Pierce.

You're fucking fantastic. And he said yes. You know, David Hyde Pierce once blew off the Sound of Young America. Actually, now that I've just complimented him about how great he was,

once didn't show for an interview on the Sound of Young America. And his excuse was? Didn't want to, it was at Sundance. He had gone to Salt Lake for an event. They're about half an hour apart? Didn't want to... It was at Sundance. He had gone to Salt Lake for an event. They're about half an hour apart. Didn't want to come back to

the small town that Sundance is at. It was kind of bullshit. It was kind of bullshit. It was pretty disappointing. I was really looking forward and excited to talk to David Hyde Pierce. He's one of my Queeros. That's Queer Heroes. We learned about that at Porter College.

Barney Frank was another one of my queeros yeah I like that that's queer heroes we learned about that at Porter College sure at UC Santa Cruz my other one at Barney Frank was another one oh I like that queeros we had to make a collage I like that a lot

206-984-4FUN the number to call MaximumFun.org for the brand new Judge John Hodgman podcast or just search for Judge John Hodgman in iTunes

when? now there is the first episode which is me and John introducing a segment Search for Judge John Hodgman in iTunes. When? Now. Wow. The first episode, which is me and John introducing a segment from Jordan Jesse Go, just to give people a taste, is up now. And I think by the time this is up, there will likely be the first proper episode, a.k.a. episode two, up. I love it. It's fantastic.

It's great. We decided the first two new episodes, one is going to be a dispute over whether a machine gun is a type of robot. The other is whether the built-in soap dispenser in a kitchen sink should have dish soap or hand soap in it. These are topics that I want to know the answers to. And only John Hodgman knows. He's a certified minor television personality. You can catch me and Jordan on

television's The Grid on IFC 445 Pacific, 745 Eastern on Thursdays. And of course Paul Scheer's show. You've got five or six weeks left, right? Indeed I do. We are in episode eight. I have 13 coming up on the league.

Oh, it's a very enjoyable program. I think you guys will, you out there, you'll enjoy it. You'll enjoy watching a Nick Kroll, a Paul Scheer, just doing their thing. A Mark Duplass. A John LeJoy.

What a Canadian. Hey, let me ask you this question about Mark Duplass. Yeah. Is there a nicer guy? You know what? John LeJoy. Wow. Who's nicer than that? They're both in the same show? Yeah. Steve Ranazzese. Is there a nicer guy? Not, you know what? Jean Lajoie. Wow.

Who's nicer than that? They're both in the same show? Yeah. Steve Ranazzisi. Who's nicer than that? What? Katie Asselton. That's the kind of show we have.

The nice factor is at an all-time high. It's a very, it's a very pleasant program with a lot of very charming people. In fact, our friend and yours,

Rob Hubel, did an episode that was quite hilarious. Indeed. Fuck some artichokes, as I recall. Yes, he did. Yeah, there are some good guest stars coming up. Ike Barinholtz is going to be on the show and some other people that I can't remember.

Joe Montana, certainly. Joe Montana. Just got your shape-ups. Yeah, well, you know, his butt looks fantastic. You got a whole shape-ups episode, right? All about the shape-ups. It's all shape-ups. It's all shape-ups from here on out. Yeah, but his butt looks fantastic. You got a whole Shape Ups episode, right? All about the Shape Ups. It's all Shape Ups. It's all Shape Ups from here on out.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Just like, by the way, all of my episodes of The Grid are about the Blackberry Torch. Blackberry Torch. Well, it's been a pleasure, gentlemen. Thank you for having me. Oh, step into a Slim Jim. Sorry.

You guys reminded me. Sorry. He's legally required. We'll see you next time on Jordan, Jessica.