Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 153: Danishes and Bear Claws with Neal Pollack

Episode Date: November 17, 2010

Neal Pollack joins Jesse and Jordan to discuss yoga, yogis, bear claws, danishes, Danes and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, Jesse, go.

We're joined by the author, Neil Pollack, and talk more about yoga than ever before or ever again. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful evening in Los Angeles. A crisp breeze in the air. A little bit of moisture.

It's going to rain later this week. What's that? Pine. It's pine. Joining us this week on the program, he's the author of numerous books, including the Neil Pollack Anthology of American Literature, Alternadad, and most recently, Stretch, famous writer Neil Pollack.

Neil, welcome to the program. It's always nice to be in a room with you, Jesse. I know, because I smell so good. You smell all right. No, I smell great. Was that pine coming off of you, Jesse smell all right no is that great pine coming off of you jesse i spray down my body with pine salt every day wow more and a lot of people are using soap but i don't think it has enough scrubbing power i kind of thought maybe i had gotten lost

and drove to the pacific northwest no no not at all not at all just your pine oh well and also this miwok indian over here oh Yeah. He's looking at me funny. So it's those two things, the Miwok and... The pine saw that you sprayed all over your body. Is Miwok right? I can't say. Iroquois. There you go.

In the Plains States. Dances with wolves. Sure, absolutely. Well, Neil, we're delighted to have you on the program this week. I've been waiting and waiting. I know. Your whole life has been leading up to this moment. Literally. Not metaphorically. That is actually quite true.

Hey, Neil. Don't waste it. Don't fuck this up, Pollock. Don't waste it. I've wasted so much already. I don't think I could mess this up worse than I've messed up the rest of my life. Neil Pollack is wasted. Yeah, he is wasted. So there's that.

Hey, Jordan, guess what? I don't know if you noticed, but did you notice this Danish teen? I did. Oh, you know, he's tough to see behind the Miwok. Sure. You have a lot of races in here. I do. Well, the thing is, is they were shutting down It's a Small World for cleaning.

And so I took a few of the actors. Those are humans? Those are real human beings, yeah. I thought they were robots. No, they're just really repetitive human beings. Huh. Yeah. But yes, I mean, now that you point them out, I notice the Danish teen.

Johannes emailed me. I think I may have mentioned this a couple months ago But it has actually happened Johannes emailed me And said As a Danish teenager Which he is During our sophomore year of high school

We're expected to do a one year internship At a business Is this something A one week More a question for Johannes But this is something that happens all across Daneland. Yeah, exactly. Every Danish family sends their child to a business for one week to learn the ins and outs.

I mean, certainly most of them are learning candle making, certainly shoe bindery. Sure. Making the baking and selling of the popular pastry the Danish. Yeah, absolutely. Not to mention the bear claw, which they also make, despite the fact that it doesn't have the same name as the country. I didn't know that. A lot of people don't know that.

Yeah. Quaint storytelling. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Well, it's part of a larger discipline The quaint arts Yeah That includes pointy hats Sure

All kinds of great stuff Felt clothing Mm-hmm Clothing made out of boiled wool Pies cooling on windowsills Sure And so mostly people That's more of an American quaintitude

Yeah Pies cooling on windowsills Yeah That's not Danish quaint That's from Missouri to be specific Okay The great state of Missouri Sure Yeah. Pies cooling on windowsills? Yeah. That's not Danish quaint. That's from Missouri, to be specific. Okay. The great state of Missouri. Sure.

I'm mixing up my quaintly areas. I can understand that. But Johannes chose to come here to MaximumFun.org to study with us, learn with us. I think later on in the program, we'll give him a microphone. I haven't entrusted him with one yet. I mean, that's like getting an anvil at your first day at the black smithery. Yeah, but if you hear what sounds like sort of like Korean language swearing, that's how Danes laugh.

Oh. So if you hear that in the background, he's back there. He's actually, I just learned, he's not actually Danish. I'm kind of disappointed. Really? That's kind of disappointing, right's actually, I just learned he's not actually Danish. I'm kind of disappointed. Really? That's kind of disappointing, right? Yeah, I mean. Somebody claims to be from Denmark, which I believe is the country that Danes are from.

They tell me they're a Danish teen. They tell me they're 15. So, so far, everything's going great. Yeah, no problem there. They come over here. There's no camera crew from 2020 or whatever that show is. Sure. So everything's going great.

Dateline. Dateline. You got it. Thank you. And then I find out. Andy Rooney has not showed up. Oh, no, that's 60 Minutes. I'm mixing up my news magazine program.

But Andy Rooney is doing a child predator catching show. Sure. It's got a lot more muttering than the other one, to be fair. But what happened is he's sitting on the couch. Me and Neil are talking to him. Neil is, of course, kind enough to take the time to ask him a few questions about himself, which this being the second full day of work that he's done with me, I haven't bothered to do. I'm interested in other people.

Yeah, sure. And why wouldn't you be? You're not me. You're not Jordan. No, right. That's true. And we've come to find out, sure, he's lived in Denmark since he was four. Father American, mother Canadian.

This sucks. I know. Fuck this, right? Oh man. I was expecting a genuine foreigner. Just another privileged child of the global economy. I know, flying hither and thither doing consulting work. Yeah. Global consulting

with his monocle magazine in his back pocket. Anyway, we got Johannes, the Danish teen here. Great. He's been doing a great job. Sure. He's been doing some work helping Leo out around the office,

helping Julia out around the office. Of course, Teresa needs some help around the office sometimes. He's happy to help with that. Yeah. I'm completely self-sufficient. Sure. So I don't need it.

I don't even like to look at him. I get that. Eye contact makes me feel kind of... Yeah. Well, it's how you establish dominance. Sure. Absolutely. No eye contact whatsoever.

The second he came in here, I sort of wrestled him to the ground and rolled him onto his back. Sure. And then you got handfuls of grass and sod and flung them up in the air. Wait, is that something that the dog whisperer does? Oh, I'm thinking of a gorilla. That's what a gorilla does to establish dominance. I was being the dog whisperer. You were being a gorilla.

Yeah. Is that what a gorilla does to establish dominance. I was being the dog whisperer. You were being a gorilla. Is that what a gorilla does? Yeah, I think part of their dominance display is grabbing earth and grass and flinging it up into the air. Neil, what does a successful writer do to establish dominance in a testy situation? Gerunds? Probably something involving gerunds?

Take the issue of McSweeney's that you're in and you press it against the face of whoever you're trying to be dominant on. There is that. You could conjugate a verb. Oh, sure. Check some facts. You were checking facts with a fact checker earlier. I was. I received a phone

call. I don't think that necessarily establishes your dominance, but it at least gets you out of any kind of boring conversation that you were in. It certainly establishes your veracity. It gives me, you know, when that happens, it provides the illusion that I work. Yeah. And that's really all that matters. Jordan, were you there?

Neil was one of the first, was a very, very early Sound of Young America guest when his first book, the Neil Pollack Anthology of American Literature came out. Were you there when we brought a band to his reading? Yeah, it was our buddies. Our friend Dan. Yeah. Our friend Dan, who did the original Sound of Young America theme music. Yes.

No, no, I think I was there for that. At the Bookshop Santa Cruz, I believe. Yeah, was it? No, it wasn't Bookshop Santa Cruz. I think this was in Aptos. It was in, yeah, Capitola. Capitola, the Capitola Book Cafe. The Capitola Book Cafe.

We brought a band and you... You sang a song about dildos, if I remember correctly. You confused an audience of several for about 25 minutes. That has been my stock in trade for the last decade. Absolutely. Befuddling small audiences with my whims. Yeah, it seems like, you know, there's this built-in audience that comes to, like, a book reading or a book signing at a bookstore.

It's like, there's the fans of the person, and then there's just, you know, a group of people who come to everything at that bookshop. And it seems like it's it's it's funny because we had there's your fans which kind of expect this kind of uh uh bizarre display but then there's the people who are just there when you say bizarre display you're referring specifically to grasping the grass and throwing yes yes exactly sure and then there's the people who uh who are just there for the book signing is this uh is this fun for you is this stressful you know i mean for me any excuse to get out of the house is a good one so i if i go to a bookstore and you know there's only there's only three people there who would be there no matter

who was reading you know it's perhaps a bit humiliating but um but at least it's humiliating in a different way than I experience on an ordinary day. It's an alternative. It's a novel humiliation. Yeah, it is. You know, it's an excuse to, you know, to breathe a slightly different subset of air than I normally breathe. Is this still a part of your readings?

Is there still a performance art quality that you bring to it? Well, it depends on the book. You know, for the current book, Stretch, I am now a certified yoga instructor. I received my certification this summer. And so I've been doing, taking pose requests. So I'll stand on my head or I'll do this thing where I cross my legs into the lotus position and then I can lift up on my hands.

I mean, you know, all these, they're just kind of circus tricks, really. There doesn't very little to do with yoga, but. Are you, is this actually something that you feel like you're good at? These holding a yoga pose for a long period of time? Whether I'm good or not good at it is immaterial, but yeah, I can do it. You know, I spend a lot of time practicing it by myself. When you say practicing it the yoga or the circus tricks well they're both there it's all the same right sure you know ask any yogi

so so i mean yeah i mean the performance is is an is is it changes depending on the book and so the current i wouldn't call yoga a shtick for me because i actually take it very seriously and you know i'm i believe that it could actually help people. But at the same time, I'm still standing on my head upon request. So in a bookstore. So, yes, a tad sticky, perhaps. Last year, Max Funcon, you came and you taught a little yoga class for people and people were delighted by it. Well, you know, I i mean i have studied a lot

of yoga and i've studied how to teach yoga and it can it can help people even people at a nerd convention um and i would say in fact especially people at a nerd convention or even people at max fun con well yeah or max fun con uh jesse we should talk but i. I've also taught at a nerd convention. And, yeah, I mean, it's nice to be able to, you know, first of all, it was a beautiful setting. And everyone was very open to it. And it's nice to be able to teach yoga to people who aren't sort of special yoga types. They don't have the special pants. Yeah, they don't have the special pants or perhaps the special attitude that you get in certain yoga classes. So yeah, so, you know,

we were teaching, it was this, you know, lovely deck with a view of the lake and the mountains. And so how could you not enjoy doing some yoga up there? I, on the subject of these book readings, I was listening to our local public radio station and learned about a big protest going on here in Southern California in the city of Encino, California. This huge protest movement. That's the setting of the famous Brendan Fraser movie, The Mummy. Is that in Encino? Yeah. And the, that was a really good joke, Jordan.

Yeah, thanks. The big protest, this is something that has led to a huge petition drive, is to not close the Barnes and Nobles on the basis that it is the center of cultural life in the community. I have been to the Encino Barnes and Noble, and I can pretty much attest to that. Have you stood on your head at the Encino Barnes and Noble? I never got booked to do a gig at the Encino Barnes and Noble, but I have eaten a muffin there. Man, they have muffins?

That's, I mean, that's case four. Yeah, so I can see that. Although, you know, Encino is honestly not that far away from other parts of Los Angeles that have their own bookstores. And if Barnes & Noble can't afford the real estate there anymore, tough. Well, I think bookstores can't really afford the real estate anywhere that's I would say that's that's very true

they're going the way of the slightly slower but going the way of the record store to some extent hearing a passionate community activist waxing eloquent on Barnes & Noble was a little bit of a dissociating experience to me I sort of felt like I was outside of bit of a dissociating experience to me. I sort of felt like I was outside of my body looking at myself listening to the radio.

It's like complaining. It's like protesting the shutting down of the Chick-fil-A at the mall. Is the idea that it would be government-funded, the Barnes and Noble? I think we should have. I mean, certainly in the wake of this Juan Williams thing, it will be controversial, but I think we should be government funding Barnes and Noble. Denmark, Johannes can tell you, has government funded bookstores. Yeah, absolutely. And you know what else? I think we should be funding Chick-fil-A's. I know you said that in jest, but what am I going to do? Eat a southern

chicken sandwich at McDonald's? No way. There are entire states where you can't get a Chick-fil-A sandwich. It's true. There are also entire states that don't get a Chick-fil-A sandwich. It's true. There are also entire states that don't have Barnes & Noble. So, I mean, obviously a government intervention is required. I agree with you, Neil. Obviously. That's what's going to happen. So, Obama, here's your checklist.

One, show us that birth certificate. Number one. Two, get off your ass and start funding Barnes & Nobles and Chick-fil-A's in every state. That's what people want. Sure. People don't want a bunch of that Sesame Street bullshit. No, they don't want health care. People hate Sesame Street.

They hate doctors. They hate puppets. Doctors are always giving themselves to put up their butts. They don't like that. That's basically all doctors do. That's what a doctor's job is, give you something to stick up your butt. No, how about a delicious juicy chicken sandwich? We want things that come out our butts, not in our butts.

Yeah, and multiple dipping sauces. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, the world of letters, the world of books, literature. Sure. He's got a college degree from a four-year university. Really? It's true. Wow, I would have put on my tux if I would have known. He's been published in literary journals. He's written a novel.

Sure. Of satire. This is a serious guy over here, Neil Pollack. Yeah. He did a fake performance poetry reading in front of our friend's band in Capitola one time. Sure. I've lived a rich and varied life. I have an important question for you guys. You guys are both men of the world. I went to New York City last week. I think we can all agree that it's one of the greatest cities in the world. Yeah. Arguably the single greatest city in the

world. I would say so. You could make a case. It's a wonderful world. Yeah. Arguably the single greatest city in the world. Hands down. I would say so. You could make a case. It's a wonderful place. Absolutely. I really, you know, I've been lucky the last few times I've been there that the weather's been beautiful.

So I haven't had my, you know, perceptions altered by bad weather, but it's really just couldn't be a lovelier place. Anything can happen there. Do you think that... Now, I'm not the mayor of a city. But this is a scenario I've come up with in my head. All the other mayors have a mayor club. And the New York mayor, Mayor Bloomberg,

he's invited to the mayor club. Sure. But they have a special committee meeting. They make it sound boring. Okay? But they have a special committee meeting. They make it sound boring. Okay. And only Bloomberg doesn't know that it's actually an important subcommittee meeting. Because if you're the mayor of New York, you get to host Saturday Night Live. Exactly.

So Bloomberg's off having a Chick-fil-A. Sure. The meeting's in Memphis, by the way. Okay. So Bloomberg's off having a Chick-fil-A. And all the other mayors are together and then they have this meeting and they say yeah bloomberg's doing pretty great that new york's pretty fantastic and everybody sort of grumbles about it yeah yeah yeah yeah and they say should we tell him about

outdoor garbage cans that's the only thing we got on him that's all we got what what how is it possible that in the greatest city in america possibly the greatest city in the world they don't have outdoor garbage cans and all their garbage is just in a pile i don't know it's yeah it is it's weird it's bad is that like a mob thing you mean garbage cans on the street yeah like your garbage you know how if you walk down the streets of new york city just just no i don't mean like public garbage cans. I don't mean like a garbage can to throw away your soda pop or as you're walking down the street and you've just finished it. Because I've seen those there.

Yeah, they have that. Certainly, they have that. What I'm talking about is the kind of garbage can that holds the garbage when it's outside of the house, but not yet in the garbage truck. So you're referring to the piles and piles of black plastic bags on the sidewalk on garbage day. And they're rich, and they're rich odor. And I'm not even sure it's just on garbage day. I really like, I really get the impression that maybe they just throw it on the sidewalk

like it was the 19th century. Or maybe it's that every day is garbage day in New York. Yeah, exactly. Got to take out the trash, my friend. Yeah, that's a good question, I guess. I don't know. Maybe it is one of those. It seems like, and obviously this isn't part of the city planning of New York City,

but it seems like it's New York's goal to be challenging. You know, to really say, fuck you. Like, it's the boss. Like, you're lucky to be there. So there are these just things about it that are just so incredibly difficult and bizarre to weed out the weak. It seems like it is something that it's a place that hates weakness and wants to crush you. And I don't disagree with that at all.

I have an additional theory in that New York's all about being out in the open. You live on the street. Some people quite literally live on the street, many people actually. And the garbage is on the street. Nothing is really hidden in New York. Whereas in, say, a city like Los Angeles of comparable size, you know, there are garbage cans and there's... Everything's behind a cyclone fence. Right. There's this pretense that everything's okay, but really, you know, everything's actually kind of rotting. Now, hold on,

Neil, hold on. I have a bit of a bone to pick with LA these days. I have a question for you. This is, now, give it to me straight here. Are you saying that something dark is going on behind the white picket fences? They're certainly behind mine. You know who might like to hear about this? My good friend David Lynch. Yeah, let's get Spacey on the phone and see what he has to say. Is that what Kevin Spacey?

Kevin Spacey is in, well, I was thinking of american beauty oh okay but david lynch i was just i was adding another you know what i was sort of example of you know what for some reason comes to mind when someone says kevin spacey now that bobby darren movie he insisted on directing and starring in. Well, America was hungry for a Bobby Darin biopic. I don't know. I like it hearing what actors... If I remember correctly, that was Mac the Knife the movie? I think it was, yes. Mac the Knife, colon, the movie.

I don't know. I think it's funny every time you hear what an actor's passion project is, and it seems like when it turns out bad. Anyways, sorry. See, when I'm in New york city i get so excited i get filled with energy and delight i wonder at the marvels of what's coming into my nose from the piles of garbage they seem to have everything else right sure hmm uh you can take your subway anywhere i Mm-hmm I don't know I don't know, Jordan

Yeah, I don't know I think it is just I don't know It just seems like it's part of the culture And it's like They love everything, you know They love the pizza And they love the subway

And they love their garbage out in the thing I don't know, it's just like This is our garbage You're very reform-minded today, Jesse I am I'm a civic reformer I am nothing If not a civic reformer You're like that Janeminded today, Jesse. I am. I'm a civic reformer. I am nothing if not a civic reformer.

You're like that Jane Addams of podcasting. School children need milk. That's another thing I believe in. Can I ask you a question about school children needing milk, by the way? Yes. Did you have a thing where you paid a certain amount of money and they brought you milk at lunch? Milk service? No.

I'm aware of this, but no. Is that like bottle service? You have a table and they'll bring you... You have to make it rain now. Gotta make it rain. I seem to vaguely recall... I'm older than

most people in this room. If not all. But I seem to vaguely recall paying a few cents here and there for milk. For milk. Yeah. I guess my elementary school didn't have a cafeteria, strictly speaking. So I guess maybe if you did have a cafeteria, you just buy it at the cafeteria. We had a cafetorium.

Oh. The cafeteria combined with an auditorium. Oh, I see. So you can enjoy a health show. Or a cafeteria combined with an auditorium. Oh, I see. So you can enjoy a health show. Or a cafeteria combined with a vomitorium. Isn't that a David Cronenberg movie, Cafetorium? I'm David Lynch, David Cronenberg. I'm getting compared, or at least referenced, side referenced with people.

I don't usually get side referenced with people. Really? with people, I don't usually get side reference. Really? People don't read your autobiographical essays and think, that's Cronenberg-esque?

And think Videodrome, no. Well, in my elementary school, you would get this milk, but it would be frozen. Yeah, with a little ice flex in it. Who is freezing milk? I think... Here's what I think about that.

Okay. I think it's the same union that's in charge of making sure there's no street garbage cans in New York City is what I'm trying to say. I think that everything in a school cafeteria just gets transported in the same cold thing. Uh-huh.

And there's not... And it's just, it's all stored at an incredibly cold temperature. So maybe these chicken nuggets, which have to be heated up at some point, are in the same cold thing as the milk. And they're like, eh, just kind of freeze everything. So the system is they three quarters freeze everything they have. So the milk is over frozenfrozen and the chicken is under-frozen. Clearly, Jamie Oliver's plan to give nutritious lunches to all of America's school children is not coming to fruition if we're still talking about this. Yeah, well, I mean, my concern is what else might be in there?

You might have an Encino Man. You might have a polar bear. What's Encino Man? Sorry. You might have a polar bear. What's Encino Man? Sorry. That's a movie set in Egypt in which Brendan Fraser has some supernatural encounters.

Sounds good. It does sound good. You know what? Also, when I was in New York, I saw a television commercial for a Broadway show that stars Brendan Fraser. Really? I always feel bad. Well, if it's a musical, I feel bad for them. If it's a straight play, I'm like, oh, good for them.

No, it was a straight play. Oh, okay. Good for him. It wasn't, what was that, Monkeybone? He's taking all his failed movies. Directed by Henry Selick. Sure. It was a real play.

And you know what it made me think? You know why Brendan Fraser is still a success? On his own terms. Sure. His own modest terms. Yeah. You know why he's been able to maintain a modest level of success over the course of the last almost 20 years now?

No. He's kind of likable and funny. Yeah. I think that's true of Brendan Fraser. Right? He's kind of good. He's kind of good at being Brendan Fraser. Sure, absolutely.

I mean, he's seen horrible movies, don't get me wrong, but he's well-suited to them and does a good job. Absolutely. I'm basing that exclusively on Dudley Do-Right. Okay. The only movie of his that I've seen. That was his passion project. That was his Mac the Knife the movie.

Why did I see Dudley Do-Right? I don't know. I did see it. Your love of Jay Ward properties? I feel like Eric Idle was in it, maybe. Sounds like. I don't think that's why I went to see it, but that's the only other thing I remember about Dudley Do-Right,

besides thinking that Brendan Fraser was kind of charming. Yeah. Those Mummy movies are enjoyable romps. Are they really? Yeah, they are. I thought about going to see Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D. That sounded like my kind of movie. Oh, yeah, that was ahead of its time but i didn't 3d before it was

cool yeah i didn't get it together to go see that if you like have an 11 year old you need to watch a movie with mummy movie yeah okay sold brendan for i have an eight-year-old son and brendan fraser movies are always a nice fallback for an empty sunday they're probably on tnt yeah we uh we've actually seen encino man together really yes biodome uh i'd not seen biodome um but does biodome have brandon frazier no it's just polyshore yeah yeah yeah i think but it's roughly equivalent yeah yeah i was not prepared for the heavy dose of polyshore that was in encino man and i had i had to leave halfway through. You couldn't handle it?

What did the eight-year-old make of it? He thought it was fine. Really? Yeah, he has no reference points for Pauly Shore. It's sort of like if we as children were watching like a Jerry Lewis movie, maybe? Yeah, something along those lines. Jerry Lewis is probably more talented than Pauly Shore. Certainly, yeah.

Is there an example from... You've got... Equally sad though, I would say. Yeah, that's true. You've got... You're sort of half a generation older than we are. You've got five or ten years on us. That's true.

Is there a Pauly Shore that we would not know about from 1983 instead of 1993 someone who was like paulie shore in movies in 1983 someone who had who was perplexingly successful i think another brief period of time another good example of in our generation would probably be earnest yeah or maybe, or maybe Tom Green. Yeah, Tom Green for those a little younger than us. Yeah, I mean, Ernest came to mind. Joe Piscopo.

Joe Piscopo is a pretty good one. Joe Piscopo was very successful for a time. Yeah. Yeah, nothing comes to mind, ever. Oh, we're here with the endless font of ideas and witticisms. Author Neil Pollack. The yoga has just blanked my mind. Yeah, no, it sounds like you're operating on another level.

All this yoga and all this medical marijuana has just basically drained me of any interesting thoughts and ideas. The last time you were on The Sound of Young America, the great transformative experience in your life was discovering vaporizers, as I recall. Yeah, that has ceased to be transformative, and it's more like a vaguely pleasant millstone, dragging me down and sort of giving me... Like a velvet millstone?

Yeah, it's a velvet millstone. Sort of increasingly smaller returns for the time I spend with it. We'll be back in just a second with more on Jordan Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, And I'm Neil Pollack, author of several fairly good-selling books. The most recent one is Stretch, The Unlikely Making of a Yoga Dude. Yoga Dude? Yes, The Unlikely Making of a Yoga Dude. They needed a subtitle. Right.

So I threw Yoga Dude out there. So occasionally, I've been traveling around giving readings and performances, and I'll see it advertised as the yoga dude is coming to town. And I think... That's kind of embarrassing. How did I get here? Yeah, you've embarrassed yourself. I have once again embarrassed myself.

And before that, it was, here comes the alternadad. I got to stop coming up with clever neologisms to describe my prose. Just don't call your next book the adventures of fart face or the adventures of an urban fart face oh sure the adventures of an urban fart dude yeah yeah i think we just sold ourselves a kevin james pitch gentleman yeah right you know this this yoga book wouldn't make a half bad kevin kevin james movie really sort of you know he's a talented physical comedian yeah he is you know and there's a lot of physicality in yoga and there's sort of this overweight middle-aged guy bumbling into the yeah i think i think i think this is um hey hollywood are you listening i know

maybe he could foil a bank robbery using yoga. Ding dong. Super stretchy. My destiny is calling. Jordan, you wanted to talk, and I don't, this is something that has come up, just for your information, from time to time on Jordan Jesse Go, that because my father quit drinking when I was like three or four and eventually met my stepmother in AA, I spent large, huge chunks between ages like four and nine in AA meetings because my parents were divorced, so my dad would have to take me along with him. And so I would just be coloring in the back while people told the stories of their lives falling apart.

And so that's sort of a recurring theme on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Did that give you, was that sort of an inspiration for you to become sort of a radio host? Yeah. Wanting to, maybe perhaps wanting people

to tell the positive side? Wanting people, I just love hearing people's stories. You know, I don't even think of myself as a radio host, Neil. I think of myself as a storyteller. I hate it when people say that. Actor. It makes me want to cry when someone says that.

Just a storyteller. Also, when they say that real people's stories are more interesting than movies. Yeah. They're not. They're boring. Sure. They're boring. You. They're boring. You know what Ira Glass is really good at?

Finding people with really interesting stories. Sure. He's not good at making anyone interesting. He's good at finding people with the best stories that are really good at telling them. You know what's a good story? That I think he edits them well, too. Absolutely. Sure.

Ira Glass has a lot of good things going for him. All I'm saying is the lesson of this American life isn't anyone is interesting. That's, that's for sure. Most, most are not. Yeah. Most people are not interesting and don't have,

look, I don't have anything interesting to say about what I've done in my life. I'm just here. Not a ringing endorsement to be listening to this podcast. Wait a second. I'm just a straight man for Jordan. The the story of you um going to aa meetings and sitting in the back while people tell you oh but that's how it begins and ends i don't remember the details oh anyway you were young i think that what i was trying what i wanted to get into is jordan

mentioned before the show that he actually had an aa question for you and me you and me neil now neil i know that you've you that your life has just been a total disaster you've been in and out of the program for all kinds of different stuff you were in uh na uh when you were hooked on smack um you were a heavy drinker for many years you were a dry drunk for a little while started drinking again went into the program you were a thief compulsive thief

overeater horse killer obsessive masturbator obsessive masturbator so you know a little something about this subject about addictive about addictive behaviors I suppose none of the things you said are actually true. Right. But, uh, but, uh, granted, let's be clear, none of that, but I

have experienced addictive thoughts in my time. Sure. And Jordan had a question, mentioned that he had a question. Um, okay. So there's a, uh, there's a Methodist church,ist church at the end of my block, and a lot of times around 8 or 9 o'clock, there's a group of people. PM. PM. Okay. There's a group of people kind of milling about on a weekday. Uh-huh. And it's a very disparate group of people.

There are some kind of younger, kind of punk rock looking people. There are some older, maybe veterinary looking guys. There's some kind of middle-aged Hispanic men. It's a real melting pot. And I always thought this is an AA meeting. It's not like a competitive rock, paper, scissors league, right? No, I don't think so. I don't think it's a hipster sports league. it's a kickball kick yeah it's a kickball league

flip cup yeah flip cup uh tournament uh although that's an option i'll continue okay okay sorry uh but i always walk by and there's always this kind of group of people and i have to kind of you know shoulder past them to get to my door. Which is, I mean, to be fair, you know, that's how you just get around on the streets of Los Angeles. Yeah, just throwing my shoulders around randomly. And throwing bows. Yeah, bows and just saying racial slurs.

Yeah, you're a regular Rasheed Wallace. Sure. I'm Charles Barkley and L.A. is Godzilla. Remember that? Yeah, sure. I have a T-shirt. I have a Charles Barkley versus Godzilla T-shirt. Oh, you should wear it.

I'm a Suns fan from way back. Oh, cool. All right. Anyway. So anyway, so I've always just assumed this was an AA meeting, and I hadn't thought anything about it until the other day when I was walking past, and one of the guys, middle-aged Hispanic guy, makes eye contact with me, and he points, and he's like, hey, dude, welcome to the madness.

And then... Wait, so wait, it was a madness concert? Yeah, it might have been. It was. They played all their hits. It's sort of like how the famous Latinos that go to a Morrissey latinos that go to a morrissey concert welcome to madness have a very specific audience here yeah in southern california it's mostly mostly methodists sure methodists uh-huh and i just kind of looked at him and shook my head and kept walking like no i am not welcome in this madness yeah but so is this an aa meeting would someone who was in

recovery refer to their aa meeting as the madness i don't know that's an interesting question i don't think so i i it seems unlikely um it just seems so disrespectful maybe it was a cult called the madness yeah yeah maybe you know and it was just cult called the Madness. Yeah, yeah, maybe. You know, and it was just, they were just, that's just their way of recruiting people. And it could have been that this is one of those kind of outrageous, fun church groups that go on a lot of rafting trips and, like, have a softball league. How many of these people were smoking? What proportion of these people smoked?

I did not notice any smoking i have a hard time believing that it's aa then oh yeah is that if they're not all smoking then it's hard to believe it's aa okay if they're not smoking and drinking coffee by the jug okay um i yeah well then what is it the madness it. Perhaps people, perhaps it was, is there a group home for schizophrenics nearby? Yeah. The madness. That's what they call it sometimes. You know, our friend Jim Royale, the master of Would You Rather, has recently taken up table tennis.

Yes. He's ranked in the world. Maybe it's a table tennis league maybe but it but would that explain jordan thank you for your respectful tone when i said that it might be yes maybe i'm considering it but i think an idea might be that this is some sort of extracurricular evening adult sport thing but i didn't expect sport thing at the end of all the other stuff. Yeah. Is the madness like the lifestyle? Yeah, I think it is. They might be swingers.

I think you're talking about a fuckfest. In a Methodist church, do they allow that? It's a Methodist... Well, Methodists do, certainly. As long as it's not Lutheran. No, no, no, not Lutheran. No, Methodists are all about fuckfests. Well, and church attendance is down. That's the difference between a Lutheran and a, no, no. Not Lutheran. No, Methodists are all about fuckfests. Well, and church attendance is down. That's the difference between a Lutheran and a Methodist.

Oh. Yeah. I didn't know that. What's a Baptist then? Martin Luther. What's a Baptist? Martin Luther hated fuckfests. Huh.

And so the Reformation was anti-fuckfest. Hmm. You know the thing that he, the document that he famous nailed to the church door? It was just a picture of a fuck fest with a circle around it and a line through it. Oh.

But interesting. But he called it the 19 Theses. Yeah. Well, Theses was his word for penises and butts. Yeah.

So I guess I'm, I'm a call for theories. What is the madness going on at the, at the Methodist church by my house? Well, let's take some calls. Yeah, absolutely. 206-984-4FUN, the number to call. Boise, Idaho. Are you there?

You can call us and tell us what your theory of what the madness might be is. I'm a fuck fest. I mean, or. Really the only plausible answer we've had. I've got an idea what it might be. Something really wild, something really fun. Yeah. Something everybody loves.

It's the green car challenge from the Jay Leno show. What's that? It's where they race a Ford hybrid. Oh. Celebrities race a Ford hybrid. I think that's what it is. That was on Jay Leno's 10 o'clock show. Yeah, and that got cancelled so it just moved over to the Methodist Church.

Ford had already spent all this money on hybrid cars and everything. So these guys are driving around hybrids and then randomly confetti cannons go off. Did you see like somebody there like maybe Christian Slater or Michelle Pfeiffer? Yeah. A few minor celebrities? Yeah, they were both there.

Was there a time board that had a list of times and a ranking? Yeah, I mean, you know, them, Matt Lauer. Was there a lot of branded content? There was a lot of branded content. Or things that seemed like you made you feel like you might be participating in branded content, like brand chyrons. Sure, yes. Yeah, the timer is the stride gum timer.

Yeah, so I think it was a green card challenge from the Jay Leno show. You know, I think the next time, though, that someone asks Cicely, like, welcome to the madness, you just might want to ask, what does that mean? Oh, I'm still kicking myself.

Believe me. I was afraid at first, but you're right, I should have been more curious. You know, because that may take you down a path you don't want to go down, but it does expand the story. Yeah.

Expands the narrative. So maybe you should go seek the madness. Follow the madness. Listen to this yogi over here. Find your madness. Yeah. Okay. Well, I guess I will just start hanging around in front of that church now.

Jordan. Until I see that guy again. Can I make a suggestion? Yeah. If this happens again, if one of these people engages you just take your dick out and see what happens okay if it's a fuck fest somebody's gonna start fucking it yeah right if it's a green car challenge somebody's gonna hand you the keys to a ford hybrid sure because they're impressed by your chutzpah and And if it's a Methodist church...

Then you'll know. Yeah, then you'll know. They'll make it clear. Yeah, the madness will be on. Yeah. If it's AA, they'll just hand you a cup of coffee. Sure. To pour on my dick.

They're not fazed by anything. They've heard much worse than that. Yeah. The AA meeting that my dad used to go to, I would say 25% homeless. Not majority homeless. Or 25% clearly homeless, maybe another 25% transient, 50% homed. That's the right word, right?

Homed? Yeah, there's the homed, the homeless. I would say the housed. Sure. The housed. Well, some of the homed, the homeless. I would say the housed. Sure. The housed. Well, some of them were housed in the madness. The differently housed. Yeah, no,

I say you do some experiments. Okay. I think that's the answer. Some dick-related experiments. Or bring a ping-pong paddle. Oh, sure. If somebody spanks your butt with it, it's a fuckfest. Yeah, I should just go into it with a ping-pong paddle, yell, I if i get fucked or if i get engaged in the game of ping pong exactly that's the only way to figure this out 206-984-4FUN with your theories jordan jesse go we got the great neil pollock here with us we'll be back in just a second with more.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. And I'm Neil Pollack, author of many extremely successful books. Moderately, somewhat successful books. Somewhat successful books. Books that exist. Yeah, books that have, hey, many of them have probably stayed in print. They are all in print except for one. Hey. All of them except have probably stayed in print. They are all in print, except for one.

All of them except for one are in print. This is a successful author. There we go. We're talking about... The Neil Pollack Guide to the Kama Sutra. Is that the one that's out of print? No, the one that's out of print is Beneath the Axis of Evil, my parody of Gulf War era war journalism. Oh.

That one was published by my friend Ben Brown, you know, the sound of young America faithful, and a Jordan Jesse Goh faithful. And we published it basically out of his basement in Austin, although he didn't have a basement, but it was out of his spare room in Austin. Wait, you're talking about Ben Brown from Iwanttoseethat.com. That's correct.

Fantastic. Yeah, and he and I together published Beneath the Axis of Evil, and used copies are still available on Amazon. And I actually, you know what, technically it's not out of print because he still has boxes and boxes of it in his storage shed. And every time I go to Austin, he makes me fly home with one of them. I got to be honest with you. I got to be honest with you about Ben Brown. Ben Brown, his wife, Katie.

Yes. They ran advertisements on this program for for some time for a great website call i want to see that when i met him i was a little bit suspicious why do they listen to jordan jesse go if they're so good looking that's what i wanted to know yeah look look at this look at this fat slob over here johann Oh, sure. This guy's over 400 pounds. Sure. Well, that's the thing about Ben and Katie is they're not unwilling to share their grace and beauty and intelligence with their lessers. No. Fair enough.

So, you know, our sister program, Stop Podcasting Yourself, has a segment called Overheard. On this segment, people call in and share something that they overheard um and when i was in new york i overheard something really wonderful and i thought i'd share it here on jordan jesse go in tribute to stop podcasting yourself who by the way i have one too this week's guest on stop podcasting yourself the great paul f tompkins recommend you check out spy this week if you haven't already okay so this conversation was um uh was conducted at sort of at dusk uh between two big sort of guys from a television commercial set in new york in 1975 um the just the very top of the Empire State Building was visible over the skyline over some buildings that were near us

you could just barely see it you've really set the scene thank you it's like we're watching life on Mars one of these guys goes hey, see that building? that's the Empire State Building they built that in 1933

they didn't have computers then it still stands That's the Empire State Building. They built that in 1933. They didn't have computers then. It still stands. That's word for word. I got so excited that I made my wife stop on the sidewalk so I could type it into my phone. Wow. Are you sure this isn't just an excerpt of dialogue from Cake Boss? It still stands. They didn't have computers then.

Yeah. It still stands. Unlike all those other pre-computer buildings that have crumbled to the ground. See that there? That's the Empire State Building. I like that these guys, I don't know, I guess it's possible that these guys are from suburban New York, and so then one of them would have to identify to the other one yeah what the empire state building is or

it's possible maybe they could be from philadelphia or some other major northeastern city you'd be in from newark you know what i mean right where are all the guys yell at each other like this right because no one from newark had ever been to New York City before. I don't know. I'm just saying, like, it's possible. They were across the river from each other. There is the basic, I mean, the basic question is, why do they,

why does the one gentleman have to identify to his friend the Empire State Building, the most iconic building in the entire world? That's number one. Oh, number 1A. I remember you mentioned Philadelphia. Are there any more Tasty Cakes?

No. In fact, what happened is a lot of listeners got together. Excuse me. A lot of our friends got together and carried Tasty Cakes out of here. We got Julia took home some Tasty Cakes, the producer of the Sound of Young America. Leo, our intern, took home some tasty cakes. Amanda, a friend of my wife's, took some tasty cakes to work. Turns out there's a lot of New Yorkers and Philadelphians at her work. They were delighted, took home some tasty cakes, each and every one of them. One person nearly cried,

according to the word on the street. But I do have to say, and also, I'm glad you mentioned that, Jordan, because I want to thank, we got three different people sent us tasty cakes, not just one. And I want to thank the second and third person. So talk for just a second while I pull out their names. You know, and I have a little overheard that I wanted to share. And I actually called this into the spy overheard hotline and did not hear it on the show.

It is possible that they have played it since then. I actually lost my Zune recently and have not... You lost your Zune? I lost my Zune. Who the fuck are you without your Zune? A shell of a man. I know you've been looking at me. There's something hasn't been right and you haven't known what it is.

I was wondering if it was just one of those things where I was wearing 3D glasses because I forgot to take them off. Yeah. And so they had those polarity filters, those weird polarity filters. I am a zoon-less human. Jeez Louise.

Anyway, so I have not been keeping up on podcasts. It is possible that they've played it since then, but I just kind of wanted to, I've always wanted

to say it in public. Yeah. Are you ready? Should we thank the people first or should I do my overheard uh let's my thanks to sky and marcus from uh pensacan new jersey uh which is it's named after the idea of the name of a town in new jersey sure um it's that may be in fact where those guys were from you're talking about. Yeah, they could have been from Pensacan, New Jersey. Okay, Jordan, your...

Oh, but I wanted to say about that just to finish this theme up. I've been disappointed with the turnout from people from Texas. What were they supposed to do? They were supposed to send me a Texas thing because I fucking beat them in the World Series. Oh, yeah. And by I, I mean the San Francisco Giants. Hey, how about some Chick-fil-A's? Yeah.

Is there a way to ship those? A guy sent me from the Bay Area some bacon hot sauce, which he says has its roots in Texas, which I guess because it's hot sauce. Okay. Yeah. I mean, they do know what picante sauce should taste like sure what would you like from texas i don't know that's the problem i mean granted that's the problem the tricky thing is is what i'd really like is maybe some brisket right but you don't want someone to mail you a brisket but i don't want people to mail me brisket that's true especially not a cooked one maybe a nice

bourbon it's gonna be real soggy what aboutgy. What about just some beef? What about... It's a famous product of Texas. That's expensive. That's beef country. Yeah, but a bottle of hot sauce and a side of beef, it's a very different price point. Yeah. I know.

One's the World Series, and one's the National League Championship Series. That is true. And also, while we're complaining, someone mail me something. I'm some guy, too. Jordan. Yeah. Quit your fucking whining. I'm something. I'm some guy too. Jordan. Yeah.

Quit your fucking whining. I'm sorry. I'm a Dodgers fan. I'll just mail you my balls on a platter. That'd be cool. That team's a mess. Jordan, you're overheard. This is between two dudes.

Okay. Standard dudes. Okay. One dude says to the other dude, yeah, that was the last skateboard video I ever bought. Then I got into BMX. Then I got into glassblowing. Yay!

Bruv! As if they're comparable. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. And I am Neil Pollack, semi-well-known mid-list humor writer. Joining us now from the great nation of Denmark.

Yep, I don't have anything to say besides that. He's 15 years old. Home of Hamlet. In the world of fiction. The breed of dog that marmaduke is he's known for running down the street with a string of sausages in his mouth sure please welcome johannes how are you johannes good thank you hello it's nice to be here it's a pleasure to have you here are you aware of marmaduke? Is Marmaduke across the borders? I've not seen Marmaduke posters in Denmark. I've seen Marmaduke posters in Spain, I believe.

Sure. Well, Marmaduke's huge in Spain. Marmaduke posters. You know that famous Daryl Hannah poster? This is the equivalent of that in Spain. Every 13-year-old Spanish boy has it on his wall. They're a kinky bunch, the Spaniards.

We have Johannes joining us here to listen to some telephone calls, gather his reactions. However, before we get to that, something important has happened. I've received an important email communication. This is from a young woman named heather yes uh i i don't know exactly where heather lives but she sent me an

email uh out of the blue and uh oh she lives in anchorage alaska and uh she sent me an email of her shoulder um whoa jordan you want intense that's major. You want to tell America what we're looking at here? I believe that's the first Sound of Young America tattoo. It's a tattoo of the rocket ship logo. The words Sound of Young America or Max Fun are nowhere to be seen. Maybe on her butt. Labia. Okay.

I'm sorry. Yeah. The butt of the front. Yeah. The front butt. Labia or front butt. That's going to confuse some mortician in the year 2070. Yeah, and also I just want to point out that I just made that comment to make sure that you're comfortable listening to this later

with your parents and grandparents, Johannes. My grandparents will probably not listen to this. Johannes told me he listens, earlier he told me that he listens to the show with his dad, which seems not listen to this. Johannes told me he listens. Earlier he told me that he listens to the show with his dad, which seems highly inappropriate to me. Dads should not encourage that. Yeah, no, dads should be against their children listening to this program. It's a very vulgar program.

I hope that someday my child can listen to this program. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, this is, and let's be clear, this tattoo of the Sound of Young America rocket ship. Is fucking huge. It's monstrous, right? It's like eight inches across.

This is a full shoulder. Like this is like 20% of this woman's back. It dominates her scapular region. Yeah, absolutely. If you want to talk about scapular region domination, you got to talk about this Sound of Young America logo right here. Yes. about scapular region domination, you've got to talk about this Sound of Young America logo right here. Now, I have to say that in her email, she sort of, she sort of, she says, I have this tattoo on my shoulder that I thought you should see. Now, the parenthetical to that is because it is the logo of your public radio show,

but I'll continue reading it. She says, it's a slightly rotated version of the Sound of Young America logo that is on the t-shirts, which is to say that the Sound of Young America logo, the rocket is going slightly diagonally and this one appears to be totally vertical. She says,

I like rocket ships. I like MaxFun podcasts. It seemed fitting. Now, I'm going to say this. Let's talk to Johannes for a second. Johannes, how do you feel about rocket ships? Pro or con?

Pro rocket ships. How do you feel about MaxFunPodcasts? Pro MaxFunPodcasts. So why the fuck don't you have a giant tattoo of our logo on your shoulder? It seems fitting to me. Sure, you traveled across the sea on a very expensive flight. But that kind of seems like bullshit compared to this sweet tattoo.

Is it weird that I decided based on the photograph that we have here, and we'll post it on the internet. We'll put it in the discussion forum for this episode of the show. It really, it cuts off at the sort of her lower neck and shows only sort of one shoulder, and

that's about it. But based on that, I've decided she's a very good-looking young woman. Sure. I also get that impression. Right? She's a beautiful young woman. At the very least, she's young. Yeah.

Absolutely. And that, you know, at a certain point, you know, at least for me, that's kind of all that matters. You just want a little extra vitality. Yeah. I mean, I'm running out of gas. You just want someone to explain my chemical romance to you that's true i do yeah speaking of young that's the reason why i don't have a jordan jesse go tattoo you have to be 18 you have to be 18 to get a tattoo in denmark i'm pretty sure denmark sounds like real bullshit also also if i got one now it would stretch

because i'm growing yeah yeah sure you should i haven't had your growth spurt speaking of stretch um let's talk about my best-selling book about yoga stretch uh you're i guess you're too young to join the danish navy i'm an american citizen so i won't be able to anyway see that's what i'm talking about he's got this american parent this a load of bullshit. This guy isn't even a bona fide foreigner. Yeah. He just lives in a foreign country.

And has since he was four years old. Right. So 11 years. I call myself a Danish-American. Really? Yes. You're really an American Dane, though. No, because Danish is the adjective.

No, Danish is a noun. It's like a crawler. Sure. A scone. Yeah. It's a breakfast pastry. A scone-ish American. A scone-ish American.

That's me. I got to say, this tattoo looks pretty good. It looks great. It looks really cool. It's very elegant. A tip of the hat to our friend Stefan Lawrence from Stefan Rules who designed the logo. Sure, absolutely. I emailed it to him and suggested that he sue.

Yeah. Yeah, but you know, from my POV, you want to know my POV? Jordan, I know Johannes is not from the film industry, like the three of us are, so you'll have to explain that.

And then afterwards, I'll explain mise-en-scene. Sure. Johannes, point of view. It's like extra-diegetic music. Anyways. Elements of the scene. Sure. Whereas mise-en-place is elements of the place.

Okay. Why not? This is very educational. I just thought I'd let you know. I'm saying, similar to Jesse getting mailed all these treats, yes, this is wonderful. Obviously, I'm flattered

because I am associated with the organization. Where's the Jordan Jesse Go specific tattoo? Right. I feel that this is too general. That's the one on her butt. I will not believe that till I've seen a butt pic. I think, Jordan, do you require the tattoo or are you just interested in butt pics? You know, potato, potato.

Yeah. Sweet butt pics. Hey, JJGoAtMaximumFun.org is all i have to say about that but no i mean you know that's lovely i would like to see and one of i want one of those that's like a super inside joke too if people get a tattoo related directly to our stuff we will talk about them on the air and they'll be famous sure right well that promise. We'll increase your fame quotient by several percent. And by famous, I mean not famous at all. Not even a little bit. You're curating.

Yeah. Let's take some telephone calls, shall we gentlemen? Yes. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Goh, this is Lupin from Brooklyn, and I'm calling on this momentous occasion. I was just told that Jesse Thorne is coming into my workplace this evening to have dinner with Teresa and two other people.

And I'm really excited. It kind of made me scream and clap like a little girl. So I hope you have a wonderful meal. And, yeah, can't wait to feed you. So thanks a lot. Bye. I did, gentlemen. What's the name of the restaurant?

It's called The Good Fork in Red Hook, Brooklyn. I have eaten there. It's a lovely restaurant. The food was excellent. I ate pork belly. How was that prepared? It's crisp on the outside. It's braised, but they crisp the outside.

Pork belly is amazing because you get that nice pork fat. That's delicious. Nothing better than pork fat, Jordan. Sure. Nothing better than pork fat. Preaching to's delicious. Nothing better than pork fat, Jordan. Sure. Nothing better than pork fat. Preaching to the choir. It was a lovely meal. It was nice.

We ate like VIPs. They were sending out some appetizers to us, sending out some desserts to us, you know, because we're celebs. Back in business, Brian Lane was there. I think he also enjoyed his meal. It was really a pleasant experience. So a shout out to Red Hook Brooklyn Zone, the Good Fork Restaurant. It's a lovely restaurant. I can't recommend going there unless you live in Red Hook because apparently Red Hook is like an hour from anywhere else.

I don't understand why it's a cool place, which it clearly was because this was a cool restaurant. There was other cool stuff right by it. But apparently it's just near the Ikea. That's what makes it a cool place. Anyway, let's go back to those telephones. Hey, JJ Goh. This is Bob from Philadelphia calling with a momentous occasion. I've been an ambulance driver for a few months.

It's been pretty uneventful so far. But this morning, we're kind of a few months. It's been pretty uneventful so far, but this morning, we're kind of a graveyard shift, and this morning we got to go lights and sirens, which is exactly what it sounds like, and go flying down Broad Street at about 50 miles an hour and run all the red lights, and everybody

got out of my way, and it was great. So, pretty exciting. Oh, and then the last run of the night, a mental patient spit in my face. So it's sort of a mixed bag. Yeah. That just sounds like a night in Philly to me. Standard.

Now, how has this guy been an ambulance driver for a few months and hasn't yet turned on his ambulance lights? Well, maybe he doesn't, you don't get to drive for a while. Really? I don't know those i mean that's kind of what i was maybe he just got lucky and no one got hurt yeah for several months i would think that they would just give you some ambulance lights just to put on your caprice or your astro van or whatever it is that you're driving i don't i just this mental patient spitting in the face thing i mean i lived in philadelphia two years, and that just sounds like a day in the life.

Right. It really does. It's just you basically go to the underground Ben Franklin Museum, pick up a phone, call a character from history, somebody spits on your face, you get a cheese stick. The mentally ill wander free. Yeah. Okay, let's listen to a new call. Hi, Jordan, Jessica.

This is Joe in Berkeley. I got a momentous occasion. I'm just walking to work, and I saw an old man walking a cat on a leash. Just thought you'd like to know that. Thanks. Johannes got a kick out of that one. Yeah. That's the best one.

This is the second time he's listened to it, and he's still snickering over here. I just have that image in my face of a cat walking on a leash. It was pretty great when you said image in my face. I'm really excited that you said something ESL style. Sure. Your English is disconcertingly good. I mean, I guess because your parents are American. Maybe you speak English at home.

But I was excited when you said, have that image of my face. I have to admit. It was great. It wouldn't have been, what's the use of having a foreigner around the house if they don't say one funny, adorable thing, right? Sure. Okay, let's hear another telephone call.

Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and I'm sure very entertaining and very beautiful guest. This is Nick from Tacoma, Washington, calling in with a momentous occasion. Earlier tonight, I had to explain what teabagging is to my mother, a 58-year-old conservative Christian. I don't want to get into why, but she asked me what it was, so I answered. Anyway, have a great and wonderful day. Sounds fun.

Why would you have to? She made him. Huh. Where would she have heard it? Yeah, that's a good question. Where would she have heard it? Yeah, that's a good question. Where would she have heard about teabagging? Yeah, where do... Walker, Texas Ranger.

Yeah, right? What is an almost 60-year-old Christian woman in jest to where you know what teabagging is? What's that show about the angels? Wasn't it in the news somewhat recently? Teabagging in the news? Oh, you know, I mean, I guess... Well, there's that Jimmy Fallon segment, Teabagging in the news? Oh, you know, I mean, I guess... Well, there's that Jimmy Fallon segment, Teabagging the News. Sure.

You know, I guess maybe that weren't the tea partiers called the teabaggers for a while and they had to be explained about teabagging? I bet you that. There was sort of a teabagging reference that they had to drop, and it sounds like this woman is in that demo. Yeah. And perhaps that's how it came up.

As long as he didn't have to demonstrate it to her. Sure. He didn't have to teabag your own mom. Yeah. Nobody wants to do that. I wouldn't say that. He'd have to, you know, maybe he could just. Oh, get a girlfriend.

Yeah, or a prostitute. Or pass her by. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go, guess. I had a moment of occasion, kind of a moment of shame. I live in Japan where little old ladies bully young ladies, and young ladies just take it. So I was just out with my girlfriend, and we were on a bike path, and we couldn't get off the bike path, but this group of little old ladies was taking down the road.

So we said, excuse me, and they let us through. And then I went through, and then my Japanese girlfriend went through, and they yelled at her. So it was a moment of shame. And then because I speak a little Japanese, I told the old ladies that it was their fault, and then they yelled back at me, and then my girlfriend yelled at them,

and we just yelled at old ladies. Jeez my girlfriend yelled at them and we just uh yelled at old ladies jeez i had to cut off his rambling uh yeah i mean i bet the i mean you know regardless of what happened i bet the sex after was hot yeah oh i think that's what's important you and your girlfriend yelling at some old ladies now with little old ladies abusing young girls is that does that like so is there some sort of like a... It sounds like a recurring theme. Well, it sounds like a cafe that you would go. They have those weird fetish cafes. Japan, they do have specialty cafes.

In Tokyo, maybe you could go there and you eat ice cream while you watch old ladies. Maybe you buy an old lady out of a vending machine. Sure. I hear there's a restaurant in Japan that's filled with cats. Yep. Hey, this is an overheard for Stop Podcasting Yourself. I think I found the wrong number, but I'm going to tell you anyway because it's pretty damn funny.

It's Ian from Toronto. I'm sitting on a bench outside a restaurant waiting for some friends to show up, and a guy and a girl walk by. The girl says to the guy, yeah, I really do like doing that with you. I mean, although we've only done it twice. The first time was great. The second time, you know, the second time. And that's all I heard.

They walked into the restaurant and I had to keep from laughing. So thanks a lot. Keep up the great work. And talk to you soon. Bye. On behalf of Stop Podcasting Yourself, thank you very much. keep from laughing. So, thanks a lot. Keep up the great work. And, talk to you soon. Bye. On behalf of Stop Podcasting Yourself, thank you very much.

Yes. We will continue to keep up the great work. Yes. That was the wrong number that you called. Now, Johannes, you have two things to explain here.

Because you did spend the day screening the telephone calls. Yeah. Number one, how did we end up listening to a telephone call for a whole other program? That's number one. Number two, why is it entitled Momentous Occasion-Poop?

Well, the first one, I just thought that one was funny. There weren't that many calls this week. And the poop thing, it was there when I came. It was entitled that. I'm not sure. So you're blaming this on Leo. Yes. You're putting this on to Leo Portugal.

Classic Dane. Who's a college student and thus can beat you up. Yeah, you could probably take Leo. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like an athletic young man. Leo doesn't. Leo's slim, certainly.

He's more of an artistic build, you might say. He told me he was running the Hawaii Marathon or something. Honolulu Marathon yesterday. Is he really? He said he was going to. He ran that yesterday? No, he said he was going to. After work?

Probably not. He was going to yesterday? No, no way. When does it start? He is going to. Sorry. I just got the idea in my face. Yep.

Well, Johannes, thank you so much for joining us on the air on Jordan Jays. Thank you so much for making the horrible, I would say horrible life mistake of flying literally, what, 6,000, 7,000 miles to be here at my apartment with me and my wife and my dog and these people. Well, I had a week of vacation before I came up here. Oh, that was probably fun. He was in Carlsbad, so you know it was fun. Caverns. You know, Johannes actually, when he emailed me, his big selling point to demonstrate that he was worthy of hiring was that he had been to the German restaurant that I like so much in Carlsbad.

Oh, well there. It's pretty great, right? A close listener. Did you go last week while you were there? I didn't go. We bought some sausages from there and had them. Fair enough. So you made them at home?

Yes. Oh, okay. That's very interesting. It is very interesting. Thank you, Neil. We appreciate that. We appreciate your winning attitude. I exist to serve we'll be

back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective and i am neil pollack author of many american books not least of which is the smash hit book Stretch The Unlikely Making of a Yoga Dude. That's true. That's my most recent book. It came out this year. I will tell you, Neil Pollack, that because

of your reputation, and because I knew you and had met you in, among other settings, the Capitola Book Cafe, which is a little bit like Wonder Woman's Lasso. You can't tell a lie. I thought I knew your true nature Cafe which is a little bit like Wonder Woman's lasso you can't tell a lie I thought I knew your true nature I was a little bit skeptical when you told me that you were writing a book about yoga I assumed it was gonna be a book about how much you hate yoga well you know it very well could have ended up being that but as it turns out I'm very I do love the yoga

and I practice it almost every day and I I teach it, and it's been really good for me. You know what they say. Practice makes perfect. Well, Patabi Joyce, the founder of Ashtanga Yoga, actually said, practice, practice, practice, and all is coming. But that actually isn't any more profound than practice makes perfect. But it's the same. But you got to say the name of that funny kind of yoga. Asht yoga oh yes that's what i that's what i trained in also it's made you a little bit cut yeah well i like you're a little cut well you know i um i i have managed

to uh to to trim down a little bit um you know when you stand on your head for a few minutes a day and stand on your hands sometimes muscles will develop where you didn't really have them before. So you're saying that you have head muscles and hand muscles now? My hands. Jordan was referring to me being cut. He was really talking about my bulging hands. You could crush a melon. Palm a melon and crush it.

That is an advanced yogic move. I'm sure you're not a violent man, Neil, but I wouldn't want to cross you. You know, I would think I was actually more violent, at least mentally, before I started doing yoga. I've been kicked out of some bars in my life for fighting with people. Neil, don't get me wrong, and I don't mean this as an insult at all, but I don't picture you winning a lot of fights. Oh, no, no. No And I don't mean this as an insult at all. But I don't picture you winning a lot of fights. Oh, no, no. No, I wasn't winning fights. I was just making a lot of noise and screaming and getting kicked out of bars.

But, you know, since I've been practicing yoga, I've gotten kicked out of a lot fewer bars. I get to stay in bars longer. That's the kind of thing you want to put in the pamphlet. Well, you know, it's something. Stay in bars longer. Well, you know, it you want to put in the pamphlet. Well, you know, you know, it's something. Stay in bars longer. Well, you know, it's like a little more, I have a little more mental calm and I am less likely, I'm less prone to anger and envy and other negative emotions that cause bar fights and also less prone to drinking. Sure, absolutely. Well, let me ask you this question. Let's just say that a listener out there, and there are literally,

I mean, there are thousands upon thousands of listeners to this program. I would certainly hope so. Let's say that they were celebrants of an upcoming holiday with a gift-giving theme. And let's say further that they had someone on their list who enjoyed books, laps, or yoga, or some combination thereof. That's an interesting hypothesis. What would you recommend? We'll call you the hypothesis doctor.

What is your prescription for these people? Well, I will say, Jesse, there have been a lot of good yoga books published this year. Some of them have been quite entertaining and informative. However – Let me say this. If it's available in bookstores, all the better because there are thousands of bookstores across this great land. Continue.

But the book I think I would be most likely to recommend because I wrote it and I am still ostensibly trying to promote it, is Stretch, The Unlikely Making of a Yoga Dude, which, you know, to my mind is the year's best comic stoner yoga memoir. Let me ask you this question. Last year, you were a big hit at MaxFunCon. Oh, thank you. This year's MaxFunCon is coming up June 10th through 12th. And in fact, tickets are going on sale on Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, at maxfuncon.com. Will anything be available on Cyber Monday? Yes, tickets to Max Fun Con. They'll still be available.

They will continue to be available. Okay. Unless they sell out on Black Friday. Unless they sell out on Black Friday. There could be a big rush. Sure. No pushing, no shoving. That's all I ask.

Are you having any door busters? We will have some cool door busters. You know what we do have? This year, because a lot of people want to give it as a gift or something like that. Yeah. We put together this beautiful little package that you will get in the mail when you register that you can wrap up and put under the tree if you like. Oh.

It'll feature a little card that says you're certified attendee and a beautiful little box and the whole nine yards. Lovely little thing. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, are you interested in attending next year? I would be interested in attending i would also be interested in um in teaching yoga at the convention this year like like i did last or do you just want me to attend no done and done you're teaching yoga on the zen deck at max fun con lake arrowhead conference center june 10th through 12th wow it's on wow people just you know what that sound was that was people

desperately scratching that time and date cyber cyber monday what's it called black friday and maxfuncon.com into their appointment books i think it's a smart choice because obviously if you book me into any kind of convention or entertainment gathering it's automatically gonna sell technically you are known as the human door buster you're the hundred100 plasma of authors. That's because you have a hard time figuring out how to use a door knob. So you have to bust through doors. The door buster is actually a very advanced yoga poach,

which I will teach on the Zen class. Okay, fantastic. We'll add some classes this year, perhaps some morning meditation. You're the first guest announced. I'm not even going to announce the guest until at least December, maybe January or February. Well, Tom Jones. No? No, no, no. I wanted somebody bigger

than Tom Jones. That's why I wanted you. And by bigger, I mean in the dick. The famous big dick. The famous Tom Jones Johnson. 206-9844-FUN, the number to call if you have a momentous occasion, a moment of shame a personal question if you just like to share an anecdote or just you know talk to us if you just

need someone to talk to 206-9844-FUN the number to call jjgoe at maximumfun.org the email at which to email us pictures of your Jordan Jesse Go tattoo yes that is gone from a request to an expectation sure uh requirement let's say requirement hey uh the newest podcast in the Yes, that is gone from a request to an expectation. Sure. Requirement, let's say. A requirement. Hey, the newest podcast in the Max Fund family, Judge John Hodgman. I think it's really going quite swimmingly. You can listen to that on our website or in iTunes.

Just click on subscribe. I think we're really getting there. I think it's really going to be something great. And yeah, those tickets are going on sale. And guess what? Jordan keeps contributing to this television program I've been hosting. You can watch that. It's called The Grid.

It's Thursdays at 745 Eastern, 445 Pacific on the Independent Film Channel. IFC. Always on, slightly off. That's their slogan. There is no box. FX. Does anyone else have a TV slogan they'd like to say? Neil?

K-O-F-Y I don't know TV 20 stereo TBS always very funny no I don't know

that's about right I don't um what about this one DAG starring David Allen Greer sure I don't know

NBA it's fantastic sure yep I like that one we'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go David Allen Greer. Sure. I don't know. NBA. It's fantastic. Sure. Yep. I like that one. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse go.