Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 154: Party Shirts with Jen Kirkman

Episode Date: November 22, 2010

Jen Kirkman joins Jesse and Jordan to discuss party shirts, dogs, babies and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is Jordan, Jesse, Go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, Jesse, go. We're joined by comedian Jen Kirkman and have an exhaustive discussion of a possible Rod Stewart impersonator.

Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, it, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, it's a beautiful evening. The fall has fallen upon Los Angeles. Crispiness in the air from a fresh rainfall. I feel invigorated.

The worms are having an above ground party. Something that's going on. Joining us, you know her as a stand-up comedian you've probably laughed at a humorous joke she's written for television programs uh the very funny and a favorite here at jordan jesse go jen kirkman oft requested oh really oh thank you hi everyone yeah sure i don't think there's a more requested guest. Shut the F up. Yeah, you came on really early in the life of the show. Yeah. And it seems to be kind of one of those early successes that has been hard to top.

Yeah. It's kind of like, I feel like we're the Misfits and you're dancing. Really? And you left after the second album and we've just never been as good. That's ridiculous. Your period of time writing for Chelsea Lately is your mother 93. Sure, yes. If we're equating your career to the career of Glenn Danzing, about which we know little.

All I remember is that one song, because that was the year that my dad got cable. So I watched a lot of MTV that year. I thought you were going to say the year my dad got cancer. No. That's just where that was going. Yeah. The only thing that got me through my father's cattle. What's Glenn dancing solo for it?

Bow, bow. Do you want to bang heads with me that's when everything I just listened to that and cry and cry and cry and just pray and pray that my father's pancreas would get better and it did and then you got cable yeah I don't know I don't know if he still does but um maybe a couple years ago, this was maybe in my first couple months in L.A., I saw Glenn Danzing watering his lawn. I was with you. I saw Glenn Danzing with you.

Was that it? It was kind of near Vermont in that little area? Yeah. And he had a house that looked like it should be Glenn Danzing's house. Yeah, overgrown yard, muscle car. Yeah. I'm having crazy deja vu right now. Maybe we talked about this

the first time you were on the show. I challenge someone to go back and look but maybe I'm just having total deja vu. Most shows, just, I mean, I wouldn't expect you to listen to the program but we do usually talk about the time we saw Glenn Danzig. You do? Yeah.

Because I do listen to the program. Have I maybe heard it on there? I haven't listened in a while. We probably, I mean, what would you say? 75% of shows? We try and... We've got a little routine worked up where Jordan forgets that I was with him when we saw him. Wait, is this a joke?

No, it's not. We did really see Glenn dancing. The rest of it is a joke. Oh, okay, yeah. But also, I do have a big... I'm very, very self-conscious on this now that I'm repeating stories. No, I think I'm just having deja vu,

which can happen. We did a show the other day, a few weeks ago, where we talked about how self-conscious we are that we're repeating our stories. Because frankly, at the end of recording one of these shows, I do not remember what happened. To such an extent that I have to get the intern to title the shows. Because I can't remember one joke from the episode that would make a good show title.

And then I got all these emails complaining that all the stories that we considered to be our stock stories. Like the stories that we would to be our stock stories, like the stories that we would tell at a party where we didn't know anybody, that we had apparently never told any of those stories. Yeah, this was actually something we were talking about the other week on the show, is that story that you always bust out if you need just something. Yes. Do you have that jen does that come to mind immediately when we say stock story yeah i i know i don't know what

situations i use them in but yeah totally stock stories and then i get nervous like well especially if it's something that ended up going into my stand-up i'm like i always preface it with like i do this in my act like just in case they've seen it but like i'm not doing my act for you and then i'll try to tell it differently, like with less. Less jokes. Yeah, exactly. Less humor and entertainment. Less pauses for laughs.

Then less, like why is she yelling at someone in the front row? You do carry a microphone though, in case that kind of situation comes up. So you change around the text a little bit but you do it into a mic start pacing you have a pa and then after you're done you say so who's from out of town i'm trying to think if i have because the stock stories i have are sometimes really fun and like this crazy showbiz person i got to meet but then in certain situations i wouldn't tell it because people would not understand what my point was and think i was like bragging about something does that make sense yeah yeah sure well is this like when you maybe are when you're maybe like home for a holiday or something like the like an la showbiz story is a

different thing yes maybe then it would be around here where people get the self-deprecation more i think where's the jen kirkman come from? Massachusetts. Massachusetts. It's a nice state. Yeah. Yeah, it's a pretty nice state. It's beautiful. You've been there. It's a beautiful state. I have a lot of love for it.

A lot of Dunkin' Donuts up there? Oh, it's my favorite. A lot of pride. We've got Red Sox. We've got Celtics. We've got a lot of great things. Sure. Are you going back for the holidays?

I am. We didn't go last year. My husband and I got married last year, a couple months before Christmas, so we're like we've seen everybody. And you went to Massachusetts for the wedding? Yes. Where's your husband from? He's from Cape Cod. Oh. So it was an easy call.

What's that mean? It was an easy call to go to Massachusetts. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you meant to get married. I'm like, no. Or to meet him. I'm like, no. It was an easy call to get married. I just grabbed a guy from Cape Cod. You meet a fella from the general region where you're from and that's it. You got to snag him.

One question. Two questions. Where are you from? Were you on the crew team? And then if he answers Massachusetts and yes. What's the crew team? The Harvard rowing crew? Oh, like the rowing team.

Oh, I don't hang out with such people. Okay. Jordan Murray. Those are snobs. I'm sorry I implied. You like slobs. Yes. What's the crew team? The Harvard rowing crew? Oh, like the rowing team. Oh, I don't hang out with such people. Oh, okay. Jordan, my... Those are snobs. I'm sorry I implied... You like slobs. Yes. Jordan, I know you're a single man.

You're not married. Sure. I am. I'm married to my wife, Teresa, who's also from the general area that I'm from. She's from Marin County. I'm from San Francisco. I think the reason you're still single is I don't know if you've met anyone from Orange County. Yeah, maybe that's it.

I just don't have that regional familiarity. Does some of the Real Housewives have daughters your age? Both in the business? Or any of the Real Housewives divorcees. That's right. I don't know if you guys have heard about these cougars. You know what? I think it's more inconvenient to marry someone from your home state region.

How so? Because every time I go back east now, it has to involve two families and same with him. And it's sort of like if he lived in Florida and I was from Seattle, then it would be like every other year we'll do Christmas in Florida, then we'll do Seattle. But now we have to jam two christmases into being in massachusetts and then now we're renting a car and driving all over the state in the worst weather we're basically the reason besides show business that we both live out here is weather and we pick the one week where it's the most treacherous and we go back and enjoy that so there's no point you know what it sounds like you need?

All wheel drive. That's what I'd recommend. I was going to say a DVD copy of the Vince Vaughn, Reese Witherspoon movie for Christmas. Oh, I thought I would like so much money that I'm that person that's like, Jamaican Christmas, come on immediate families, it's on me.

Yeah, sure. That's not that the movie and the all wheel drive aren't great. My wife and I have the same situation. We're doing Thanksgiving here in Los Angeles for that reason. Because my parents divorced when I was three. Both live in San Francisco, both live in roughly the same. They both live in San Francisco and for a long time lived in the same neighborhood. And they were at each other's throats all through my childhood. were vampires that's why they were vampires yeah but who bite other vampires so they

were always they were those uh yeah you've all seen blade too yeah the super vampires yeah um so they were at each other's throats and uh they were always arguing about custody daybreakers sorry continue they had agreed they had agreed that I would alternate Thanksgivings every other year. Oh, okay. Yeah. But unfortunately, they both have really bad memories, and they would always forget whose house I was supposed to be at Thanksgiving that year. And so what happened is every single year, they would forget whose house I was at the previous year, and each of them would be pissed off and think that the other one was trying to cheat them out of Thanksgiving.

And did you ever, were you having a good memory? Were you having a good? I don't know. I mean, a memory I was having. By the time I was like 13, I was like consistent about whose house I was at. But you know, like when you're a little kid, shit just blurs together.

You know, I don't really know what was going on. And so now we're in the midst of that. Sounds like maybe you had an eye problem. I wouldn't blame that on being young. If shit was just blurring together, maybe you needed lenses. I always wondered why there were words on the papers that my teacher gave me, but she just draw weird diffuse shapes on the board when she was explaining stuff, but she'd just draw weird, diffuse shapes on the board when she was explaining stuff.

Again, not- Yeah, that's an I thing. Not part of being a kid. Most kids can read at a certain point. Yeah, those symbols make sense to some of us. Oh, geez. Well, anyway, moral of the story is, so we decide that we're going to get out of this. And when we go home, it's exactly what you described.

It's, are we going to have Thanksgiving with my dad, with my mom, or with my wife's parents? Because they all live in the Bay Area. And so it devolves into this nightmare of we're going to this house from one to two, and this house, like, it's just really intense and crazy.

And nobody, this might be me, I want some credit. I don't get any credit. Yeah, I know. I'm flying out. They act like it's a dream come true for you to be in their environment, away

from your routine, away from your life. Sleeping on a fold-out sofa. Oh, I mean, I don't want an apology, but I want some credit. I would just love like a little handshake at the end of the trip. Like, hey, this must be a pain in your A. And you must really love me. And that's why you came out here. Yes, but you get nothing.

You get nothing. So this year we decide in order to avoid getting involved in all of that, we're going to have Thanksgiving here in Los Angeles. Oh, I love it. And this is the first time we've ever, this is the first time we've ever had an apartment with a dining room and a kitchen that you can cook in. And so it was exciting for us that we would get to do this. Because we thought about doing it last year, but we moved into this apartment just before Thanksgiving last year.

And our shit wasn't unpacked. And so we decide to do that. And then all of a sudden we realize we've just opened up a whole new can of worms, which is which members of our family do we invite to join us here? Because they're not going to let go. They're not going to accept

we're having Thanksgiving here with like Jordan and Jean or something like that. Oh, they won't accept that? And Teresa's family is all werewolves. Yeah. So if you get the werewolves and the double vampires together. I didn't realize vampires don't bite each other. I don't know much about the supernatural.

Also, my brother is a Frankenstein. He's sewn together from corpses. Yeah. Because your insane scientist vampire father wanted a son. Absolutely. Sure. That wasn't you. Yeah.

So we ended up inviting my mom. So Teresa's family is coming and my mom is coming. That's a lovely compromise. Because my mom is single. Right. She doesn't have, she has lots of friends. She goes to friends for Thanksgiving normally.

She's like one of those real housewives. But my dad and my dad is remarried and my two younger half brothers live at the house. And so we figured they could have a thanksgiving together yeah they're a unit one way or the other yeah and then my dad emailed me like two weeks ago and said hey i'm thinking about coming down uh that week and i was wondering if you wanted to go with me to uh to lag which is where my dad's late brother's wife

and my dad's nieces and nephews, my cousins live. And so I had to hang out with my dad yesterday and today to make up for the fact that I had not even mentioned to him that I was staying here and invited my mom to Thanksgiving. Oh, it's so much. Oh my God. It was so, it was so difficult. And, and, uh, so it had to be really, it had to be really serious family time. Yeah. Yeah. And, um, a lot of, uh, a lot of hugs, pats on the back. Yeah. Was there any turkey and stuffing? No. We did go to lunch

today. We went to a delicatessen for lunch today and had pastrami sandwiches. The turkey of the sea. Yeah. And of course my dad and my stepmother have sort of a rocky relationship. They've been having a rocky relationship lately. My dad...

I'm sure they'll appreciate you talking about it on the air. In order to... They don't listen to my show. In order to essentially take the level of father-son intimacy from zero to 10 in like 30 seconds, he told me the story of when he first started going out with my stepmother. They got married when I was about eight or so. So she's been part of my life for a really long time.

And when he first started going out with my stepmother, he said they were watching the news. And my stepmother is from Belfast in Northern Ireland. And he said they were watching the news together and they saw the assassination of my stepmother's cousin, who she used to babysit as a child. What? And then... Were they watching the news in Belfast? No, they were watching the... Apparently, my stepmother's... This is a story I had never heard. My stepmother will tell you these stories of nightmarish traumas,

truly nightmarish traumas, times that someone attempted to rape her, or just things that are so horrific. And then she'll just laugh like it's the funniest thing anyone has ever said. Because in fucking Belfast, I think that's just how they roll. Yeah, I think shit is just so fucked. I mean, it's better now than it was 10 years ago and certainly better now than it was 20 or 30 years ago. Yeah. But shit is still kind of fucked. And so not only did my dad, did they just see on the news, apparently my stepmother's

cousin's father was the head of the IRA at the time. Oh, wow. Yeah, I know, right? And then they watched the funeral. Part of the funeral was in the news. And my stepmother's brother was, someone attempted to assassinate him at the funeral. What?

Holy shit, right? Nobody's ever mentioned this to me. And when did this happen? When they first started dating? Like almost eight years ago? When they first started dating. This is, we're talking about, we're talking about 20 years ago.

I'm just fascinated with what this news is. Oh, it was 20 years ago. Yeah, we're talking about 20 years ago. We're probably talking about, I think we're looking at the news hour. We're probably looking at the news hour with Jim Lehrer. That would be my best guess. Okay, because there is no news anymore.

It's just people talking about the Kardashians and then a liberal and a conservative screaming. I think when you say there is no news anymore, and et cetera, et cetera, I think that's because you moved to Los Angeles. But I mean, there's no News Hour with Jim Lehrer. Other places, it's also equally stupid, but it's about the weather, not the Kardashians.

But I mean, like, even if you watch like 60 Minutes, I mean, not really, but they will have like entertainment stuff as news now, like CNN, like Lindsay Lohan off to blah, blah. And I'm like, what? So I was confused that they were showing it. So this was in like 1990. We're talking about maybe a 1990 type situation when the troubles were still going pretty strong in Belfast.

But that's how, that's how we, that's the bond. The bond is, let me drop this fucking nightmarish trauma on you. Hey, I bet you didn't know this crazy ass shit went down. It's not like, I saw a sunset the other day that made me think of you. Yeah, no, not at all. Not in the slightest. Anyway. I saw a little boy son all. Not in the slightest. Anyway. I saw a little boy son that looked just like you at your age.

He had his baseball mitt in hand. Yeah, my mom will tell me in a moment where my mom wants to bond with me, she'll tell me about how before I was conceived, she saw me floating in the clouds. I love your mom. I love that kind of stuff. I'm always shocked at the type of person.

And this is, I mean, maybe it's just because this is the totally, this is totally the opposite of the kind of person I am. But the person who brings up something awful in casual conversation. Right. Like I had a coworker for a while who would do stuff like this a lot um who would just be like looking at her phone and going like that like ask me what's the matter ask me what's the matter i would she wasn't masturbating right i can see how you maybe thought of it no no she's just like, kind of asked me what's going on, sigh. Jen, your mind always goes to sexting.

He has, looking at her phone going, ugh. Yeah, my moans were not as clear. He can't help it. I just, I have a raw Latin sexuality that just comes out in everything I do. You do. It's part of my heritage. So you would ask her? So then it's like, what's going on?

And then it would be something like, my mom's cousin just died. And I'm like, well, it's noon. It's Tuesday. I don't know your mom or her cousin. It's awful that someone died, but why do you say that to me, someone you don't know who has expressed dislike of you in the past? My stepmother will be like, you know, will say, you'll just be talking along, and she'll be like,

oh, yeah. And then that policeman cried to grab my tits, so I kicked him in the balls and pushed him down the stairs, and he was in the hospital for a month. There's a little triumph. Like, that's at least a story. That's at least in the past. Yeah, but it also has a narrative to it,

and it's kind of exciting, and it's kind of triumphant. And it's like, I stood up against authority. I stood up from like, that's a thing. Like it has awful notes to it. Right. But it's good conversation in the right thing. But just like, something bad happened. Like, everyone feel something now.

Like, that's the shit I hate. I just like to remain emotionally neutral at all times i don't like to be reminded in the work environment yeah especially that i need i need to ask you guys about something that i saw um in the entertainment news recently speaking of horrible things and entertainment news yes um i was in i was in brooklyn uh shooting some stuff for put This On, visiting our friend Ben Harrison, videographer Ben Harrison. And he had a People magazine sitting on his coffee table, sitting on his dentist's office. And there was a headline, and I wrote it down on the front of the People Magazine. It said, Charlie Sheen,

colon, has he gone too far? I saw that and went, yes, but like three years ago. Is anyone saying he's operating within the bounds of reasonableness? Like, has he gone too far? Like, is there a rule that it has to be, all headlines in People magazine have to be a question? I was just thinking, like, we're not going to editorialize. Guys, we're just here to report. Like, look.

You decide. We're even-handed. We're just presenting you with the facts. We're not saying whether a coked up rage where you beat a hooker. We're not saying that's a good or a bad thing. Frankly, I thought he had gone too far just when he started wearing

those polyester bowling party shirts on television. Once he started doing that, I was like, whoa, this is too far. I was cool with hot shots part duh. But this is too much. I was cool with hot shots. duh. But this is too much. I think we were all cool with hot shots. Well, here's the funny thing about that.

Yeah. Is the polyester bowling shirts. Yes. Is that... Okay, so the Charlie Sheen character in Two and a Half Men is a Lothario. Yeah. But he actually takes women to bed, like attractive women. Like there's one where he has sex with Jenny McCartney and McCarthy?

McCarthy. McCartney? No, McCartney. Paul McCartney. Paul McC one where he has sex with jenny mccartney and mccarthy mccarthy mccartney paul mccartney paul mccartney anyways who uh you know who jenny mccarthy's from the beatles sure paul mccartney's from single from the jenny mccarthy show yes paul yeah paul mccartney hosted the jenny mccarthy show the crazy sketch comedy romp Jenny McCarthy show. The crazy sketch comedy romp. You know, so he's effective. Right. In the show, he's effective. In the world of this program.

And he does. He wears these 1993 Vince Vaughn cocktail hour shirts. Yeah. In the real world, those would be the shirts of a pathetic sad man. Of a guy who writes for two and a half man yeah right exactly so a guy who thinks it's like maybe a divorced dad yeah it's like it's a tommy bahama sure it's yeah it's i'm at you know and those are very smelly the polyester they don't breathe well like a michael lohan might wear that. Yeah, sure. We're going to keep it in the entertainment.

So it sounds like we're all on the same page. The worst thing about Charlie Sheen is those shirts. I know. I don't think he's gone too far then. Snort whatever. Punch whomever. Has he gone too far, Jordan? I don't know.

Let's take a straw poll. Oh, but just to finish my thought, that party shirt is supposed to be shorthand for ladies man but is is where does that disconnect happening are we just in the rest of the world does an effective ladies man wear that shirt do you think here's what i'm wondering i'm wondering if it's the secret to the success of two and a half men and frankly i think charlie sheen is a pretty funny comic actor i haven't watched a lot of two and a Half Men, and frankly, I think Charlie Sheen is a pretty funny comic actor. I haven't watched a lot of Two and a Half Men,

so I can't really comment about the show, but I can see why people think he's funny. Is part of the appeal of that program that America is excited that a handsome guy is wearing their shirt and betting women? That could be it, like in porn, when they say that the men are less attractive so that you can picture yourself being with these hot women.

Right. I do not watch porn, but that's what I've heard. But I watched an episode of Two and a Half Men just two weeks ago. Yeah. Oh, that was actually porn. Oh, I was wondering. Were there a lot of dicks? Yeah.

What about ladies' boxes? No. No? But the half man was what somebody called their huge schlong. Yeah. Bing. No, I watched it, and I, you know, the jokes are fine. They're funny.

Are you sponsored by Bing now, Jen? The search engine. I'm sponsored by Bing. Okay, I'm sorry. Whatever that thing is that keeps showing up on my iTunes. What does that mean? I'm sponsored by AltaVista. Nice. Wait, what is Bing? It keeps showing up on my iTunes. What does that mean? I'm sponsored by AltaVista. Wait, what is Ping?

It keeps showing up on my iTunes. Oh, I'm a Zoom man, Jen. Next to every song it says Ping. Ping is an already failed social networking system developed by Apple and based in iTunes. So if I were to click Ping next to one of my songs, it's supposed to go to someone? It would make you friends with Paul McCartney.

Oh, well, why don't I do that? I don't know. I loved his work. I loved his work in Autism Cure. Hey, that's Jenny McCarthy. Oh, okay. Sorry, sorry. I get the coochies.

But yeah, so I watched Two and a Half Men. Fine, jokes are funny, whatever. I get the characters. I see why it's fun. I found the laugh track. They actually do film in front of a live audience, but the way they punch it up or do something fun i found the laugh track i they actually do film in front of live audience but the way they punch it up or do something to it the last track is like aggressive like it comes in before the end of the joke it was very weird but yeah i think maybe i don't know

like yeah maybe it's just like people wear this shirt we don't want them to look too like good like t-shirt buff let me ask you question. You're writing on a network television program that's supposed to feature cool, youngish people, like 30-ish people, right? Yes. Oh, you're writing actually along with another friend of the program, Nick Adams, also writing for the program, Perfect Couples.

Yes. Coming soon on NBC, the mid-season. Yep. January, we're talking about? January 20th. Full season order? 13 for now. Okay, you're looking for that

back nine that's right girl yeah industry talk um so you're writing for a television program have you witnessed any party shirts yet no party shirts none no all the guys are there's something like any anyone else there's something disconcerting about the way people dress on television because of certain things that you can't wear on camera, like patterns. Like most patterns, a lot of patterns you can't wear on camera. That's true, yeah. And you can't wear anything branded or with like logos, graphics. You have to clear them legally, and they usually don't have the resources to do that. And so I always feel like

people on television look like they're a 12 year old in like a fruit loops commercial that's like holding a skateboard and like has 17 different pads on and a solid green t-shirt right it's like a uh pastiche isn't the word but like a cartoon of what people dress like, or I don't know, very theatrical and presentational, even if it's a down-to-earth cool show, that's whatever. Yeah.

I don't find that to be the way the characters dress in the show I write for, but yeah, the party shirt, I don't know how to explain that. I think people wear those shirts a lot. Yeah, I think probably in just, if you went out into a less-than-hip part of America, there probably would be a lot yeah i think probably in just if you went out into you know a a less than hip part of america there probably would be a lot of charlie sheen aged guys dressed like that i think that is

a good theory that that it is like well someone like dad's like watching it because he is a dad figure and he's he's maybe it's to make him more likable too because if he's in an Ed Hardy shirt, if he dresses like the douchebag he is, then he's unlikable. Specifically, if he's dressing like a douche instead of a dope. Exactly. The line between douche and dope is a fine one. We'll be back in just a second

with more on Jordan Desiga. go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorn america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective and their guest for today jen kirkman jen it's great to have you here it's great to have you back thank you there was a little while when there had been some times when we were trying to book a Jen Kirkman and that's when you were busy working all the time. You were working crazy hours. You were doing your stand-ups and your writing all at once and everything.

Yeah, yeah. It's a delight to have you back on the program. I'm glad we worked it out. Very happy to have Jen Kirkman here. Jordan, I was wondering if you had any cool discussion points about members of the band Faces. I do. How about Rod Stewart? Wait, Rod Stewart?

I know. If you're going to have a story about a guy from Faces, you want it to be Stewart. I really wish I knew the name of the drummer from the Faces. Wouldn't that be cool? The Faces. Yeah. You wanted to be Stuart. I really wish I knew the name of the drummer from the Faces. Wouldn't that be cool? The Faces, he says. I think it's just Faces. Is it just Faces? I think it's just Faces. Okay. Anyways, I'm thinking of the Small Faces.

Oh, Small Faces. Anyways, I'm sorry. Okay. Here's... We can... Look. Let me say this. We can all agree that his greatest work is on the Great American Songbook. Sure. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. When Rod Stewart sings Fly Me to the Moon.

Oh. Is Fly Me to the Moon part of the Great American Songbook or is that a show tune? I think that's part of the Great American Songbook. I put it in there. It's a Frank Sinatra tune. Look, I'm not the editor of the book, but... No. Yeah.

Huh. Anyways. Okay. Okay. so here's this. This is a baffling situation that I still have not been able to wrap my head around. Maybe you guys can offer some theories. This is kind of a similar kind of mental conundrum to, are you ready for the madness? Just one of those things that I can't figure out.

By the way, later on in the program, we will have a telephone call addressing the issue of, are you ready for the madness? Just one of those things that I can't figure out. By the way, later on in the program, we will have a telephone call addressing the issue of are you ready for the madness? Jen will explain this later. Okay. So for my job, I went to do some funny TV reporting at a Civil War reenactment. Sure.

Which was very, very fun, by the way. And I had some predisposed predispositions about the civil war reenactment that were not true i expected it was to be all kind of fat racists uh but it was actually very nice like dads who just cared about history and it was a family event and uh children of all races were there enjoying themselves. That's good to hear. And also they had a celebrity reenactor, Bruce Boxleitner. Wow. Wow, who's that?

From Tron, the original Tron. Oh, excellent. Anyways, thunderous applause when his name was announced. Is this a thing? This is something. Bruce Boxleitner, right? Am I saying that? Leichner.

I feel like there was an episode of This American Life where they explained that people who are not scrupulous about their Civil War reenacting are known as FARBs because it's short for Far Be It From Me, as in far be it from me to not wear a wristwatch or presume that they weren't wearing a wristwatch just because it was the Civil War. So that would be the attitude of a farb.

Far be it from me to not think they didn't have cell phones. Yeah. It's crazy. So like the serious people. I shouldn't be eating a churro while I do this. The serious people call the churro eaters farbs. Yeah. And this was a very, I mean, I imagine this. The serious people call the churro eaters Farbs. Yeah. And this was a very, I mean, I imagine this was a very Farby event.

There were like fair vendors. Was this here in Southern California? This was in, it wasn't Southern California, but it was in. Was it on an actual Civil War battlefield? No, no. It was up in. Because I feel like the ones on the East Coast, you might run into the racism. Unless you're going to a Northern one where they're celebrating the victory. Oh, sure.

Yeah, yeah. might run into the racism unless you're going to a northern one where they're celebrating the victory oh sure yeah yeah when i was in richmond virginia i felt like i was becoming racist just reading certain plaques yeah sure um but anyways but so all all day whilst interviewing people this was kind of the chatter do you know rod stewart's here do you know rod stewart's here everybody was saying it and like have you seen like it'd ask us like have you seen Rod Stewart yet or is he with you guys? And this is an I should say where this is because it maybe helps the story. I wish I could remember but it is somewhere

super super inland. In California. Yeah not Riverside but like Riverside adjacent. Like a San Berdue? Yeah like San it's you know very farmy super you know on your way on the way to vegas yeah one of my favorite places absolutely um there's a sonic out there um so anyways but you know quite a ways away from la uh away from you know urban life so anyway people don't Rod

Stewart's here Rod Stewart's here have you seen him and then we see a guy with Rod Stewart hair and bears a resemblance to Rod Stewart and he has he is traveling

with no one except for a little boy he's a little boy. He has a little boy, and the little boy has like an armload of fair stuff that he had been bought. Sounds like the Forever Young video already. And a balloon. I have not seen it. It's him at a fairgrounds with a young boy sitting in the back of a hayride. Oh, wow. Singing to him.

Yeah, this is... Forever young. Probably eerily similar. Yeah, okay. ever young probably eerily similar yeah okay um so um uh and we kind of hear him talking and he's he has a kind of a british accent and people are coming up to him and he's doing a lot of pictures and he's signing autographs and we've kind of got our eye on him we're like what's this what's rod stewart up to so people are coming up to him chatting up, and he's got this boy with him in tow with, you know, a balloon and a pinwheel and, you know, fair stuff. He's running around in Maple.

So anyways, but we're like, that's not fucking Rod Stewart. We're like, something stinks. How many people does Rod Stewart travel with? You know, would he be here with? Would he be here alone? Would he be here at all? Why is Rod Stewart in this? Why has he come to this? Maybe he's just a big Civil War buff?

So many questions. Let me ask you this. Did you try this? Did you try just talking about something loudly and interspersing Cole Porter? Yeah, and see if he randomly broke into the song. Mumble, mumble, mumersing Cole Porter. Yeah, and see if he randomly broke into song. Cole Porter.

See if he whips his head around. Now wait, let me ask you, what was he wearing? He was wearing designer jeans. I think they were bejeweled. How about this? You could have taken a page from the sort of like, from the

seduction community and used as an icebreaker, hey, let me ask you your opinion. George or Ira Gershwin? He was wearing a t-shirt that was tucked into the jeans and shoes with heels on them. Okay. A pretty high heel.

I'm convinced this is him already. Okay. This sounds like the rod stewart i know so there's this you know back and forth in our group is this him no it's not if i think it is i recognize him no fucking way why is he here like and then uh the other correspondent i was doing this with was a i wish i and i wish i could take credit for this brave display that i'm about to describe but this is not this is uh brandon johnson a very funny guy from the uh ucb out here yes um i he's like i'm i'm just gonna go ask him and he so he gets a microphone and he gets one of the cameras he's like i'm just gonna go pretend like i'm gonna interview him so we have a camera crew and he has a mic and he runs up and he just sidles up next to the guy and he's like i'm here at the civil war in action with rod stewart here with rod stewart and says it very

clearly i'm here with rod stewart and like says it a comical amount of time he's like rod stewart are you having a good time and he's like i'm having a great time this is the best event i've been to all year i and looks into the camera. I suggest everyone come out here and experience this event next year because we're having a blast. And he's like, thank you, Rod Stewart. There's no way that was Rod Stewart. And he's like, it's been my pleasure. I want to guess where this is going. Okay.

I'm guessing that it turned out that it was the British guy from the infomercials. But that's just based on the voice. Yes, it was the besweatered infomercial guy who was the subject of comedy sketches in 1994. Yeah. Maybe Jim Carrey played him on In Living Color. Sure. 1994? Eh, anyway.

Maybe 97. Yeah, alright. So anyway, so this is driving us nuts. So afterwards we were at dinner. We all Google imaged Rod Stewart. We don't think it's him.

Also, Rod Stewart tour date in Vegas that night. But it's on the way to Vegas. It is on the way to Vegas. It is on the way to Vegas. But so here's the thing. The consensus in the group, not Rod Stewart, too short, too fat, weird mole. Maybe these are the things. Where's the mole?

On his face. That's very distinctive. Does Rod Stewart have a weird mole? I think he does. Does Stu have a mole? Does Stu? Oh, you know what? I think he does.

I'm thinking of former Oakland Days pitcher Dave Stewart. Who would it be? This whole time I had a sort of intimidating black guy with a mousy voice in my mind. Who sings Tonight's the Night. He also covered that. Wait, I think that could be him. Well, hold on. If it's not, though, let's say that it's not.

Okay. I mean, I get someone pretending to be Rod Stewart to get laid at a Civil War reenactment. What's he doing with this boy? What's the story with this boy? Does he have to sit there while his dad lies about being a famous musician? Well, the thing I find so frustrating about what Brandon did, and I think he's a great guy.

Sure. But he didn't go ask him, are you Rod Stewart? He just kept declaring. But the guy has been saying he's Rod Stewart all day and said he was Rod Stewart on camera. So he's clearly. Wait, did he say I'm Rod Stewart or did he just not correct the other guy who said I'm here with Rod Stewart? You're right.

He did not say he did not say me. Rod Stewart, the famous one. Well. Is it possible that it's a different guy named Rod Stewart? Is it a Rod Stewart impersonator who's there for. Yeah. Maybe there's another convention or another... What if there's a Faces cover band playing that night at the fair? I don't know who this boy is, though.

That's the thing. Is this boy a hostage? I don't think he's a hostage. Is this a kidnapped boy? If he's kidnapped, it's a pretty sweet life. He's not like a dugar living in a tent are you suggesting jordan that what happened is this kid's playing at the park this guy drives up in a van opens the passenger door and says hey i'm rod stewart get in yeah

and the kid's like the rod stewart from faces but yeah i i mean yeah i guess you're right i guess Like the Rod Stewart from Faces? But yeah, I mean, yeah, I guess you're right. I guess if you are going to be a kidnapped boy, it's nice that you're not in some sort of weird sauce situation, but you're like going to cultural events. Getting your picture taken. Sure. But I also think it's so weirdly similar to the Forever Young video that maybe it's a guy with an obsession with that video.

Oh, yeah, and he's just trying to. He just lives it each and every day. He just, yeah, he takes a little boy to fairgrounds. There's got to be a way to find this out. If you Google Rod Stewart's Civil War reenactment... Jordan, can you get us some screen captures from the tape? Sure, yeah, absolutely. And that's maybe the next step in this.

We should post some screen captures, and then we'll let the audience decide yeah i think that's a great idea we'll post some caps okay we'll do some screen caps maybe you can gif them out if you can do an animated gif that would be great sure sparkle it add some sparkles uh you're thinking of a 16 year old latina's myspace profile sorry We're not thinking of an informative gif. I keep getting confused. Before, it was Dave Stewart. And so if you can find footage, we'll compare it to footage of him

throwing the no-hitter in 1990. That's that baseball guy you said earlier. Oh, jeez. I was actually, I have seen Rudd Stewart in person. Okay. It was years ago, but he looked fantastic. Did he have a small boy with him years ago but he looked fantastic did he have a small boy with him yes he had a small boy and a small girl oh okay and he was with his hot wife and they were uh at the parking garage underneath tiffany's okay tiffany in beverly hills but there was uh

other stuff going on i don't know why i was there. Actually, I must have been doing something somewhere in that same area and I parked underground. Yeah, that'll do. Yeah. I think I used to have an agent in that area or something. I was using the parking garage. And so his hot wife and his kid were there. Was your agent just a clerk at Tiffany? Well, no, I think she had a... Did you call her your agent because she got a 15% commission when you bought something at Tiffany? She was behind the counter, but she got me some auditions. For Tiffany's commercials. But yeah, I was there and his wife was there. And then they got into this beautiful convertible Bentley.

And it was just like he was dressed amazing in like a white suit, just like he would be on stage. And they all hopped in the car and I was behind them the whole way. And they stopped at this movie theater on Wilshire in Beverly Hills, parked right outside, got out of the car, didn't put the top back up, and just walked right into the movies. Devil may care. Yeah, just like, I don't know, some of them might jump in and hotwire this, but I don't care.

I got 10 of them. Look, if I know one thing about Rod Stewart, if he's gonna do it some way, he's gonna do it his way, a.k.a. my way. You know, from the Great American Songbook. Sure. Why did he cover these classics? He's on like volume

six at this point. It doesn't sound good coming from him. Because he's sold a lot of records. I know. I love his voice, but not singing the classics yeah i feel like when you like a classic song like a fly me to the moon or on my way i feel like those are fun to listen to because of like the arrangement and the quality of the recording that was old i feel like when you uh when you when you update them with modern technology and musical trends and a voice. You think that your complaint is that the Rod Stewart recordings are insufficiently tinny?

Yes, exactly. Well, I was more thinking he sounds like he has a throat cancer. Yeah, yeah. And he's just like, at this point. Yeah. Yeah, that's fair. No offense. No, to Mr. Stewart.

You gonna get us some screen caps? I'll get you some screen caps. Any gif? Yeah. Any gif? That's what I call an animated gif. Oh, I mean, yeah, I'll see. Someone's going to have to do all that for me, so I'll just see if they're willing to do it.

I think it was Stewart, because he does have a mole on his face. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I guess we'll find out. Oh, is Rod Stewart the kind of guy who travels with an entourage? Jen, you said maybe you saw him sans entourage. I saw just with his family okay so maybe he doesn't for him just going on a solo excursion with one child who may be his son and maybe his entourage is someone he meets up with later they get on the private jet and he's got his people there but maybe he needed some time

along with his son jordan let's assume that it was rod. Jordan, let's assume that it was Rod Stewart. Okay. Let's assume that the child was kidnapped. Sure. Let's take a little from here, a little from here. Would you say that then Rod Stewart had gone too far? Yeah. No.

It's not for me to say. I write for People Magazine, so I have to be very neutral about this. Has Rod Stewart gone too far? With child kidnapping. We'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you Love you, love you Love you, love you Love you, love you It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective.

Jen Kirkman, today's guest. Jen, I feel like I have barely seen you since you were married a year ago. Yeah. And I want to wish you congratulations. Thank you. Now you have, you married a year ago and i want to wish you congratulations thank you now you have you're you're a lady who's interested in being married to your husband sharing a life i am interested in that sharing a life together uh without children

uh in but you're also not against children. Am I correct in remembering this? No, it's not that you don't want to not want to have children because you don't like children. True. Although I would say, yes, that's not the reason. But I can't say I'm terribly good with them or that interested for too long, if that makes any sense. But they're sweet. Kids are cool. They're nice little guys and ladies yes i'm neutral like there's something cool about kids but i i more often

than not just don't even um notice them i i wouldn't say that that's my own wife's position on this and it's fine i'm happy with it i will i'm looking forward to having children myself. Out of your pee hole. Yeah. My wife has continued to just gear up, just to second gear, third gear, fourth gear in this children thing to the point where because we don't have any children right now, we just got a second dog. I was actually, when she introduced the second dog, I thought that was very maternal. We need a second dog because I don't have any pets and don't want any. And I was wondering if that was gearing up for children

or if it was instead of or if it's neither related. Because I guess sometimes... To be honest, our first dog was probably gearing up for children, to be fair. To be perfectly fair, our first dog was gearing up for children. Right. That dog did wear a lot of little jumpers yeah and she hey i still make her wear them from time to time uh when it's raining she doesn't like to be wet um you know when i made that remark i forgot that you do buy clothes for the dog i occasionally i expected that to be like a hilarious of course

no one would dress up their dog i'm sorry i'll put some gloves on the dog if it's raining outside and you order it from or if it's really cold because otherwise she'll just start shivering it's really i understand there's a practical application i'm not um but i think the fact that that a child has not yet been given to us by God was there was just no way around getting a second dog this time. Gotcha. Like the first time it was kind of like, well, should we have kids right now? We're not sure. We were sort of financially unstable, sort of like, well, you know, we can wait a little bit. And Teresa, my wife is perfectly reasonable about this. Yeah. I don't want to make that clear. But she's also self-aware of this powerful

driving force within her that wants a baby. Right now. Right now. Right now. Oh, okay. So she's got the fever. Oh, a thousand times over. And I see it in... She might gain one through nefarious ways,

like maybe altering a condom or something like that, maybe stealing your semen in the night? I'm on board for this, although I will say that's how I was conceived. My mother took out her Norplant and didn't tell my dad. But it wasn't... But you said she's neutral on children, but it seems like she's not. No, you said you're neutral. Oh, I thought you said my wife has the same position. No, my wife is in a similar place in her life.

Like I wasn't certain that we should have a second dog. Like I was, we love our dog Coco and I was like, do we need to have another dog? Does it make our lives more difficult? And I realized, I had this moment of realization, I shouldn't stand in the way of this. There's no, I have nothing to gain from standing in the way of this. Of the second dog.

Yeah. And my wife will, my wife will say, I, my wife is very clear headed about the changes going on inside of her. Right. She's not, she's not trying to,

she's never tried to trick me into doing anything. And she knows she's an upstanding citizen. She knows she needs some more shit to take care of right now. I love it. She, and the other, only other option would be if I got in some kind of horrible accident

and I needed someone to sponge bathe me well if you ever have trouble conceiving that's what you'll have to do for her I know and it's for her

do you think you would just get an intentional car accident would you jump off the balcony how would you cripple yourself I mean you could look into adopting or drugs but no you should probably

just get hit by a car you know my dad was friends with uh uh the guy upon whom the movie born on the 4th of july was based tom and i feel yeah he's friends with tom cruise and i feel like uh i feel like if you're gonna get an intentional accident you should do it for a cause so you can take credit for it. Right. Yeah. Well, maybe you should do some kind of like environmental,

like bombing an SUV and getting too close. I don't know about that kind of Julia Butterfly shit. What then? Wait, who's Julia Butterfly? She's a lady famous for living in trees.

Maybe she's only famous in San Francisco. Well, you could do like a man on wire thing and like walk a tightrope for some kind of political reason. I don't think I could do that. I don't think I could do that. That's beyond my capabilities.

Then maybe just have like a tea party or shoot you in the leg. What if I put on... I don't know what cause that would be for. See, these guys are assholes. Yeah. What if I put on like a cute... You shot me in my leg. See, these guys are assholes. Yeah. What if I put on some cute little kind of like 19th century lingerie and got kidnapped by a guy with a handlebar mustache

and he tied me to the tracks? No. Are we getting too much into my dreams and my personal? Yeah, sounds like that won't really. But you would get rescued at the last minute always before the train comes. Did any of those damsels ever stay in distress? Yeah, I guess I would probably get rescued at the last minute always before the train comes. Did any of those damsels ever stay in distress? Yeah. I guess I would probably get rescued.

Like every 10th movie, every 10th silent adventure movie, they would let the damsel get hit by the train just so you know it's a possibility. Right. Like going into the next one. Or Rod Stewart would come and save you and then take you to fair. And it was particularly intense because at the time people still had a hard time telling the difference between a film and real life. No. You know, the people would scream when the train came towards the camera. Wait, how old's your wife, if I might ask a personal question?

29 years old. My wife and I are both 29 years old. Oh, okay. So she, I never had that at 29. At 36, I have none. But here's the thing. What I wonder about it is my wife and I have been, first of all, my wife has never hidden this interest. Right. And I've never been opposed to it. I don't want to sound like I'm opposed to it because I'm all for it. You seem all for it.

I totally want to have kids. I want to take care of them. And they can suckle at my teat and the whole nine yards. I want to take care of them. That's not something that'll be happening. No. Okay. Well, anyway, whatever it is that kids do i want them to do it they suck your balls right they suck the life-giving sweat yeah they just suck the life the nutrient-rich sweat

um so off your vitamin balls but my wife and i've been together since we were 17 right and so by the time by the time i asked her to marry me i we were I have been together since we were 17. Right. And so by the time I asked her to marry me, we'd been together almost 10 years. And at this point, I feel like she has sort of deferred to me in terms of having babies and law school and these kinds of things. She's been nice about putting these things off.

Right. And then we got to dog about two and a half years ago. It was like, okay, well, we're going to get a dog, something to take care of. It wasn't like, it wasn't, I want to be clear, it wasn't like the kind of couple

where it's like we have to try this out to see if we can do it. Totally. It was, if we're not going to have a baby right now, we better get a dog. Totally. And because we knew we were on board

for it and the second dog is like hey listen there's no babies here yet so uh we got to do something to up the ante right i i know exactly what you're saying and sometimes you do have to it's like one person i don't mean more passionate about something than the other but one person has a fever more than the other and that has to be met and sometimes you don't mean more passionate about something than the other, but one person has a fever more than the other, and that has to be met. And sometimes you don't negotiate, should we, shouldn't we? It's just like, I'm getting a second dog. Yeah. But I don't think there's, I don't think there's a boy, I don't think it's something that happens

to a boy where they get a fever to do this. I think maybe the equivalent is the craziness that guys go through when they reach middle age. I think there's crazy changes that happen to dudes in middle age that lead them to buy Porsches. Yes. Yeah, I'm trying to think of all the friends I have that have kids. I'm closer to the wives in terms of even if I'm closer with the guy because I know him through stand-up or something like in a way I'm closer with the wives in a way because they will talk about their feelings more and it always seems like the baby was something they decided on together but obviously since a woman has it she's going to also have that urge to do it where the guy is just like yeah

that's the thing like I've like honestly as some I think probably compared to other, any other dude in the world, I'm about, I'm probably 85th or 90th percentile in terms of wanting to have kids. Right. Like I've always wanted to have kids. I think it's going to be great. Like I had much younger siblings that I took care of a lot and always loved doing that. And I would love to have kids. And at this, but there's no doubt that, about who's driving the baby train.

It's funny though, because since I've never lived or dated a lady. Yeah. I don't know what it's like, because a couple guys I know actually have expressed the urge, but it's not an urge. It's like,

I want to take care of something. I want to procreate. Like, it is a little different. I feel like the ladies do kind of drive the train on that, especially depending on their age. Like, we got to do this now, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We got to teach them. That is hard little different. I feel like the ladies do kind of drive the train on that, especially depending on their age. Like, we got to do this now, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

We got to teach them. That is hard. Yeah. But then again, I was talking to Neil the other night. Look, I could always divorce my wife and marry a much younger woman. Exactly. Well, 29 is young. But I always say to my husband, I guess so.

Not young enough for me. I mean, you're in one of those glamour businesses, public radio. Yeah, exactly. So, I mean, you've got 22-year-old Trim knocking your door down. Trim is Tom Lakers' radio host. Like yourself used to say, my next girlfriend hasn't even been born yet. Yeah. But I get a little judgmental, and this is me being judgey judger.

Judgey judge away, Jen. Which one do you judge? Well, not you guys, but we got plenty of people on planet Earth. Right. Unless you have the urge and are young, do not have a kid, if that makes sense. You're like, don't force the issue. I know 38, 39-year-olds are like, well, I don't know if I do, but I better do it now because I won't be able to get pregnant.

You know what? You didn't do it. Don't do it. And if you change your mind, for the love of God, please adopt someone who is... You know if I do, but I better do it now because I won't be able to get pregnant. You know what? You didn't do it. Don't do it. And if you change your mind, for the love of God, please adopt someone who is, you know what I mean? I know that's a hard line to take because it's not my business. Very reasonable, though. But I can't stand these people with the fertility drugs at 40.

Here's the thing. Here's the thing. I'm 29 years old. My wife's 29 years old. If a baby, if God doesn't give us a baby which is how it's which is how it works as i understand god reaches into my wife's womb yeah and places a baby in there gets all up in there um jesse that's not how it's done he puts her into a trance right she zombies out to the cabbage patch okay she shits inside a cabbage. What? Nine months later, the stork barfs up a baby.

And then you go, you whore. I didn't get you pregnant. Just like in the Bible. That's always my favorite part of Christmas when Joseph calls her a whore. Sure. And she's like, I didn't sleep with anyone. What? She's like, a whore.

I'm not a whore. So if you don't have a baby, you'll adopt me? If I don't have a baby, but I don't know what she's... I'm not a whore. So if you don't have a baby, you'll adopt me? If I don't have a baby, but I don't know. I don't know if I have what... Because I agree with you that if God doesn't give us a child, we should adopt a child. But I don't know if I have the strength not to take $25,000 down to the doctor to put a baby inside my wife. You don't know if you have the strength... Doctors are the new gods if you give them $25,000 down to the doctor to put a baby inside my wife.

You don't know if you have the strength. Doctors are the new gods if you give them $25,000. Oh, I see. You don't know if you have the strength not to do that. My wife has two good friends who are married together. They're both ladies. Doesn't make sense, but okay. Well, it doesn't make moral sense, certainly. But there are two ladies that are married to each other.

And they're our age. They're also 29. Locked into baby fever. Totally. And they could adopt. It's complicated. It's difficult. They bought like $10,000 worth of sperms from a sperm bank.

Jeez, $10,000. Was it from Rod Stewart himself? It costs like... Who shot that load? It was all the semen they pumped out of his stomach. Boom! Old joke.

Each load costs like $3,000 and you have to buy enough to make sure that it takes. Now... And they're not even like rich people or anything. takes. And they're not even like rich people or anything. But they're two ladies. They both have the baby urge. How are their unplanned pregnancies?

If it's complicated. How does that happen? I don't know. People are fertile. I think people rely upon the fact that it's so complicated, which is not a good thing to rely upon. Right, because it's not always.

Well, no, I have some lesbian friends who did the same thing or something similar, and they have a baby of their own making. And I realize I just threw down a gauntlet like, this is what people should do. You don't see me adopting a baby. I'm not doing anything for anybody. You don't even have a dog. I don't even have anything to take care of.

I saved this dog from the incinerator at the pound i don't i wouldn't even do that so like i shouldn't speak and then i know the emails if you could kill a dog yourself you would i well i couldn't kill it but i might you're not strong only because you're not strong enough but you're gonna get emails tell jen is just as expensive to adopt and it's above i, I know. It's all difficult. People should do what they want to do. I'm just being, I just have a weird soapbox about being 40 and taking fertility drugs. I also, I also want to make clear. You don't want another octomom situation. Exactly.

Has she gone too far? I also want to make clear that I'm not against any of the things I've described. In fact, I'm for them. I'm for having a kid. My wife is amazingly self-aware about all this stuff. I just marvel at it. It's just amazing to witness. The actual DNA biology.

I feel like my problems are piddly. I'm just wondering whether a guy I saw was Rod Stewart. No, I have the same problems. Okay. Except I don't wonder because I did see Rod Stewart. Yeah. So, I mean, you're good with that. Yeah.

So, I'm, you know, I'm higher. You're all saying you don't need to have a baby. I'm on a higher plane, you know. No, but. If Jordan had a baby, it would only to see if when it grew up, it turned out to be Rod Stewart. Or it would be kidnapped by Rod Stewart. Now, this is not my plea. This is not why I'm not having kids.

I just seriously, it's like if you say to someone, just be Chinese, be Chinese. And you're like, This is not why I'm not having kids. I just seriously, it's like if you say to someone, just be Chinese, be Chinese. And you're like, I can't, I'm not. I just do not care. You just put your fingers at the head.

No. Oh boy. This is very racist. Sure. Racy and racist. I don't agree. Just watch your Coke. That Coke that you have,

watch it because Jesse played you. I know what he'll do in it. I know he'll pee pee in it. He played joke but what this so this is not why i know when the email is coming i don't know why i think these emails are coming but this is not why i don't have kids but i'm asking someone with kids because this is what would scare me if i had kids what about the world and like social security these

crazy republicans are going to undo it and sarah Palin, what if she was president? And what if the environment's so bad that your kid is going to not live past 50 because of all the, like, does that scare you how you will talk to them about what this crazy place is? I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what scares me. I, with the help of my wife, have the power to create life. Holy shit. But that's where you stop i have look i have that power we all do if i didn't use it i'd feel like a real dick i'd be like come on i have the power to create life and i didn't create any i don't get i don't have that i'd be disappointed

in myself it's basically it's clearly the best thing I'm capable of doing. But then how do you explain to them why Sarah Palin's president? I'm a podcast producer. No, but I mean, once you have it, like, are you afraid of them? It's like those inner city teens that are so sad because their fathers are crack dealers and everything, and they just want to create life. How do you explain to your child the future TV network that's women getting kicked in their breasts? That's going to be a network in the future.

Oh, WKIB? Yes. Women kicked in breasts. Jesse, that's going to be a whole network in the future. How are you going to explain that to this child? It's just like Idiocracy, where the number one movie was a butt farting. Oh, or a butt farting. The number one TV show was that.

I get so mad when people say they don't like that movie. It got bad at the end. I thought it was great all the way through. Maybe there's problems with movie. I laughed. It's a little bit boring. To me, it's hard. Well, so does Office Space at the end, to me.

Yeah, Office Space is definitely a little bit boring. Apart from the course for a Mike Judge movie. Yeah, no, I know. I feel like it's hard to watch because I feel like it makes me sad. It makes me go, it's a little too not that far off. Yeah, but I do agree that it gets a bad rap for not being of a consistent quality. Anyways. How will you explain that to your kid?

Why some people unfairly criticize certain Luke Wilson movies. You know why people unfairly criticize Luke Wilson? That guy's great. Oh, this is one of Jesse's classic jags. He got a lot of flack for gaining weight during those cell phone ads. I'm like, people gain weight.

Hey, let a brother live. Still looks great. He is literally a brother, too. He's Owen Wilson and Andrew Wilson's brother. There you go. Andrew Wilson, not getting much credit except for finding Luke Wilson or Owen the day he tried to kill himself. Yeah.

Hey, I like all those Wilsons. They're all God's children. I'm excited about the return of Owen Wilson. I've seen him in a movie preview for a James L. Brooks movie. I'll even watch a James L. Brooks movie because I miss Owen so much. I'll watch that movie. I know that he...

It's a date. Some blonde lady in him and... Something Paul Rudd's in there. Reese Witherspoon. That's Reese Witherspoon? It's totally Reese Witherspoon. She looks different. She looks...

Good for them. I'm just glad they're happy. Oh, I have a Reese Witherspoon story. Oh, I don't want to tell it. Okay. Don't tell it because we're- Is it good? No.

Okay. Let's take a break. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. We'll be back in just a second. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you.

Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you here, Jen. Thank you. The Jen Kirkman, stand-up comedian extraordinaire. You got a new record coming out pretty soon, right? Well, I haven't recorded it yet. I'm recording a new comedy record December 11th at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles. Here in Los Angeles. Hopefully, folks will be there to come and enjoy the great stand-up comedies. I hope. I'm doing one show, and that's my only shot. It's your only shot.

If you fuck it up, what happens if you fuck it up? I don't know. I guess we'll keep it on the album. I like it that way, kind of. What am I going to fuck up? Do you think everything falls apart if you fuck it up?

Everything? Like the Grand Canyon will start imploding and skies falling? No. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Laser in the White House, that kind of thing? Did you say ladies are in the White House?

Laser. Oh, that would fuck shit up. Women is in the White House. that kind of thing? Did you say ladies are in the White House? Ladies. Oh, that would fuck shit up. Women is in the White House. Men are marrying dogs. I don't think, I mean, what's the worst that could happen is I stumble over a word and mess up a punchline. I would probably say to the audience, let me take that again. My husband says, don't do that.

The energy gets weird. But I feel like for this, it would be okay. Right. Fair enough. Fair enough. Hey, listen, We got some telephone calls to play here. Let's start with some momentous occasion, shall we?

Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. This is Lindsay with Max Funks and Dave in and we have a momentous occasion. We actually just got married today. Yay! So we just wanted to share it with all of you guys and hopefully we will see you at the

next MaxFunCon. Alright, bye. Their first MaxFunCon as man and wife. She sounded a little drunk. She gotta be. Wedding reception and everything. You gotta figure that MaxFunDavid talked her into making the call.

He had to get her a little... He dialed for her, just held the phone up to her head. She got a few champagnes in her before they made that telephone call. A lot of wedding talk lately on the show.

Yeah. Hey, congratulations to them. Sincerely, congratulations. You like being married? Yeah. It's no... I mean, we've been together for a while.

You were with your boyfriend for a long time before the two of you got married. Yeah. What made you decide to get married? It was for the kids. It was so that we could not have kids legally instead of in sin.

Sure. I don't know. I just think that as long as it's still a thing that's done that has legal ramifications, it made sense. It's unromantic as that sounds. We wanted to be together forever. It's a nice thing to do, though, right? But it's also like, you know what?

It's a way to, I had the pleasure of interviewing Gloria Steinem when I was in college. For some reason, I thought you were going to say, I had the pleasure of interviewing Gloria Steinem. And the Miami Sound Machine, yes, we know. Gloria Steinem taught me a lot about love.

She's like, after the rhythm gets you love will get you Gloria Steinem said which rhythm? day or night? conga rhythm there's no day or night it all blurs together Gloria Steinem said that it is

childish to think of it as a feminist thing to not get married because you're really saying you respect yourself enough to make a commitment and have someone make that commitment to you and care for you and be responsible for each other. And there is a level of responsibility that is different than not being married because you have this legal bond and you have to financially take care of someone or not. You can still do all that without being married. And Jordan, that's why it's so important. I agree with you completely, Jen. That's why it's so important that you keep an eye on that guest book

in Nebraska. Yes. And if you don't look at it, if you don't keep one eye on that guest book, anybody could sign it. It could ruin the whole lot. Jordan got invited to watch the guest book at a wedding in Nebraska. I'm going to be conducting a wedding in December. Wait, to make sure that no one signed it? Nobody that wasn't a guest to the wedding. Who doesn't write a dirty

slogan or something? Just write a gross limerick. I've never opened our guest book. I've never opened our guest book. I don't know what it says. Let's take another telephone call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Chris from Oregon Health. Pretty awesome, momentous occasion for you guys.

Yesterday, I got my car to run for like 20 minutes or so. It's a, I guess, 70s British Roadster that sat for at least 30 years or so. So it was pretty awesome, and it totally sounds great. And then it overheated, so we had to turn it off. But, yeah, it was totally exciting. So thanks. Love the show.

Bye. 20 minutes? That's what you got out of this thing? 20 minutes? Now, look, I'm the last person to put down a gentleman driving an MG. Yeah. I'm guessing he's driving an MG. British Roadster?

It sounds like it. It could be. I mean, there are other options, but I'm going to go MG. That's great. Very cool car. Great car. Yeah. 20 minutes, though?

Even for an MG, that's not that good. So he just has this car and it sits in his yard or something? I think he's been working on it. Oh, okay. Look, I wanted to play this call, I'm going to be honest with you, because I was just excited that we had a person who was calling on a momentous occasion about something kind of, how would I describe it? I mean, it is its own kind of nerdy, but yeah,

something that a dude does. Nobody ever calls in a momentous occasion about their rugby league. Sure. Winning at arm wrestling. Yeah. It was very Fonzie-esque. Yeah. That call just like.

Now would the Fonzie drive an MG? I don't know. Maybe not. Probably not, but it's also the Fonzie. He's more of an alfa romeo what did i say he's not the fonzie jesse's the fonz oh sorry fonzie the fonz it's not the fonz um jordan you remember last week on the program you talked about something that you had overheard

in your in your apartment complex yes um. You should tell Jen what it was. Oh, is this the madness? Yeah. Oh, there's something they said to me. There's a church on my block where I've always assumed there was AA meetings because there's always just like a weird eclectic group of people hanging around on weeknights. Sure.

So I'm like, oh, this is an AA meeting. Yeah. And I was walking by and one of the guys looked at me and said, hey, welcome to the madness. Because he thought I was coming there, but then I just walked past. And so now I'm wondering, is it an AA meeting? Because would he call it the madness? Anyways. I bet it is. Some kind of a, some kind of anonymous. Yeah. Oh, I guess there's other kinds of anonymous though. Oh, tons. Sex addicts, drug addicts. Sure. We asked people to give us a call and talk about and guess as to what the

explanation for this was, and we did, I thought this was a really solid theory. Oh, I love it. Hey Jordan, Jessica, this is Brian from Pompton Lakes, New Jersey, and I think I know what sort of madness was going on on Jordan's block. I think, Jordan, you just walked away too fast, you didn't hear the tag at the end of that sentence. He probably said to you, welcome to the madness of King George. And what he meant was it was a club or some sort of gathering for people who suffer for acute intermittent porphyria, which is what they believe now led to the madness of George III. Pretty sure that's it.

All right, bye. It's a good theory. Now that I hear it, I feel dumb. It makes sense. I feel dumb. I'm like, duh. Hello, madness of King George All right. Bye. Oh, well, yeah. It's a good theory. Now that I hear it, I feel dumb. It makes sense. I feel dumb. I'm like, duh. Hello. Madness of King George, right?

Yeah. Okay. It's like, my internet's not working. Just unplug it and plug it back in again. It's one of those duh moments. People are dropping some insight. Okay. Let's hear one more.

Hi, Jordan. Jesse. This is Adam in York, Pennsylvania. Also, hello, guests. I'm guessing Matt Belknap. He seems like he's due. Anyway, I have a quick question for Also, hello, guests. I'm guessing Matt Belknap, he seems like you do. Anyway, I have a quick question for you, possibly some advice. I am a married man.

I would like nothing more than to go to Maximum Fun Con this year. My wife, of course, is not this type of lady, and she probably wouldn't want me going to California by myself for an adult summer camp. So what do you offer as advice for how I might talk her into this little one-man trip? Thanks for your help. Goodbye. Well, he's in luck because there's a lady here that has unique insight into the female brain.

Certainly relative to us. Yeah, there's no doubt about it. What do you think, Jen? How do you get a lady to go on into a vacation that she might not normally go on? Well, how long is Max FunCon? Max FunCon's a weekend. We're talking about a Friday night, a Saturday night. Oh, well, then he should make a trip for five days or something.

They should stay somewhere romantic in the general area. And while he's going and doing his Max FunCon crap, then she should be set up with whatever she likes to do. Now, why doesn't she want to go to Max Fun Con? Oh, I don't know. Maybe she does. Maybe he's not giving her a chance. That's the thing that I'm worried about. I'm going to be honest with you.

That's a sign of a... A lot of times in my marriage, the things that will get under my skin is when my husband has assumed what I do and do not like. Would you say you have a rocky marriage? No. I'm just saying, like, sometimes I'll go, why Would you say you have a rocky marriage? No. I'm saying like, sometimes I'll go, why did you assume I wouldn't like that? Bring it up. I know you don't want to have kids. Is that because you have a rocky marriage? No. No. Don't adopt a child into that marriage. I don't want to adopt anything. Don't adopt a child into that marriage. Okay, here's number one. I'm borderline offended that he seems to accept as fact

that his girlfriend or wife would not, his wife would not like, neither his girlfriend, neither the girlfriend would like this. Because Max Funcon is, it's not a dude thing. There's plenty of women in Max Funcon. I'd say it's roughly 50-50. Well, I think he was hinting more that she's not of the nerdy type.

Not that you have to be, but maybe she's some high... We're real about this, Jen. We know. That's okay. Maybe she's some highfalutin horseback rider. This is not... Dump her, buddy. Look, this is...

Dump that zero. Get with the hero. This is not the Jonathan Colton Cruise. No offense to Jonathan Colton and his cruise. God bless him. I love them both. This is Max Funcon. Chad Abumrad.

Is that nerdy? He's from Public Radio. What could be less nerdy than Public Radio? Totally. It's nerdy, yes. It's just one word away from Public Enemy, which is super cool and badass. No, no, you're right. Andrew WK. He's a rock and roll star. Is that nerdy. It's just one word away from public enemy, which is super cool and badass. No, no, you're right.

Andrew WK. He's a rock and roll star. Is that nerdy? Yes. Or is that a rock and roll star? It's nerdy. No, it's not. No, it's rock and roll.

No. Jordan, no. This isn't real big fish we're talking about, Jordan. That's also nerdy. When is MaxFunCon this year? It's awesome. We're talking about June 10th through 12th. I don't see.

She should come out. It's beautiful it's in the mountains it's a romantic setting there's a lake there's woods you come out and you just take

a couple extra days in Lake Arrowhead how about that exactly and then you have a romantic time with your lady you have a beautiful

vacation and then you get the added romance of I don't know Maria Bamford or whatever whatever's gonna be there Maria Bamford or whatever.

Whatever is going to be there. Maria Bamford or whatever. When I see Maria Bamford, I get excited for romance. Maria Bamford is to me as a gondolier is to the average woman in Kansas. Like fascinating and new? The greatest symbol of romance that is available to me. A joke from Maria Bamford. Maybe that's why his wife wouldn't want him coming out here alone.

Yeah. You know, people get worried about coming to Max. That's the thing. Sometimes I get these emails. This nice lady emailed me right before MaxFunCon last year. She had been on the wait list for like months to get in. I finally got her

in. I called her and she said, oh, you know, my friend that I was going to go with just bailed on me and I'm not sure I can come. And she's like, I don't know. She works in the entertainment industry. She's not really very geeky, likes Jordan Jesse, go likes comedy, but not into like nerd stuff, you know? And she was terrified. She was worried. She's like, I don't think I can go because my friend can't go with me and I don't know if I'll be able to make friends and it'll be weird for me to go by myself. So I told her, I said to this nice lady,

I said, listen, just go and see how it goes because you're going to make a thousand friends within an hour of arriving. Yes. And no matter whether you're geeky or not, I mean, that's the thing about MaxFunCon is that it's not, like there's a lot of things where the friendship is predicated upon we're all going to talk about Magic the Gathering or whatever, right?

The thing about MaxFunCon is it doesn't require any special thing like that. The theme of it is let's be friends. And let's have fun. And also, what's better than new friends? You don't have to deal with their BS. I know. You know what I mean? You don't have to worry about them unloading anything on you. Yeah, it's just surface giving your best. Yeah, absolutely. And I told the lady,

and the lady pulled me aside at the end of MaxFunCon. She's like, I made a thousand friends the first hour I was there. You know, I... Seems overwhelming to me. I might wear my Spider-Man costume again this year. Uh-oh. Wait. Are you serious? I haven't decided yet.

Because... We've got a while. I have a while to buy a new costume. But if I don't have a new one, I'll bring back my old... The reason I'm concerned is because the sprinklers came on last time you wore it. Yeah. Because all the folks in the audience got too hot under the collar. Hot under the collar.

Yeah, I know. When they saw you. Well, we'll have to have an outdoor show. Is it tight on your balls? Oh, yeah. That would weird me out. Oh, yeah. Is there another kind of Spider-Man costume?

Well, because as your friend, I don't want to be around you. You don't want to know what the outline of it is. His Spider-Man costume is- No, no, no. It's modest. It's a hip-hop recreation of Spider-Man from 1995 that wore baggy Timbaland jeans. No. So it's not tight on the balls.

Is it really? Is that the joke? No. It's a standard Spider-Man costume. It's a little ill-fitting. All Spider-Man costumes are tight on the balls. I think that's our point. That might be better for new friends then that never have to see you again.

Even the Indian Spider-Man created by Deepak Chopra, if I remember reading News of the Weird roughly three years ago correctly. Don't correct me on that, by the way. You fucking Spider-Man people out there, do not send me an email about well, I gotta get my point clear. I like when he's angry. That's what I was concerned about earlier.

You guys are both concerned about these phantom emails. Jordan, just because you don't read any of the emails we get doesn't mean we don't get emails. The worst thing is getting stuff from know-it-alls who took something you said the wrong way and then they're educating you about something that you don't even need to know about.

In this case, Indian Spider-Man. Anyway, look, the moral of this story is this. I think he should come with his wife. If his wife needs convincing, I'm willing to get on the phone and talk to her. Sure. We'll both get on the phone. I'll tell her. I'm a sensible man.

I'm a public radio host. Who's more trusted than that? That would be a good segment, you on the phone with this lady. Yeah. I can get it. The snobby, goody two-shoes. Hey, look. And if that doesn't work, I'll just send a picture of my balls.

There's $100. That should seal the deal. We really like to have couples there. It's a great dynamic to have. And we give you a $100 discount if you're a couple. So there's no excuse. Oh, the loveless. They get shafted again.

Yeah, they do. They do. Hey, if they're lucky, at MaxFunCon, they get shafted. You know what I'm talking about? I totally do. Talking about... Shaft of penis inside a vagina. Or a butt.

Or a mouth. Whatever you guys like. Whatever you need. Wherever you want to put the peen. You can put the shaft. Two boxes bumping together. Anything you want to do, it's cool with us. We don't judge.

Hey, guess what, Jordan? Yeah. MaxFunCon tickets going on sale black friday wow day after thanksgiving i hear it's the perfect holiday gift it is and in fact you know what funny that you mentioned it's the perfect holiday gift you were being sarcastic however uh we have actually because i wanted to make it a nicer gift because a lot of people like will bring max buy max fun con tickets for somebody and then it's sort of hard to figure out how to present it we actually spent we spent an inordinate amount of time working on this

me and julia uh the producer of the sound of young america and theresa my wife development director of maximum fun spent hours upon hours developing this but there is actually a presentation box with a special card that you will receive in the mail when you register for MaxFunCon that is perfect for a holiday gift. It's beautiful. It's very classy. The special card, you can carry it around with you in case you need to prove that you're going to MaxFunCon. I love it. It's fantastic. Hand letterpress printed is great. Now, let me ask you, you don't have to line up outside a store at 5 a.m. on Black Friday

to get these tickets, I recommend using the internet. I recommend using the internet. You can line up outside a store at 5 a.m. Target does have a few of them

for eight bucks. You're gonna have to, the thing is, you're gonna have to hack one of those job application computer terminals to get onto the internet

if you want to do it in a store. So maybe you should just stay home in your pajamas and do it. You should stay home in your pajamas. Go to maxfuncon.com. Okay, one more telephone call. This is incorrectly labeled. The caller suggests that this is a momentous occasion, but in fact what it is is a moment of shame. Hi, Jordan, Jesse. I have a momentous occasion to share. This did not happen

recently. This was about 10 years ago when I was a college student. The way our dorm was designed was four bedrooms that opened to a single living area and a single bathroom. So most mornings we fought for first rights to the bathroom. There was a commons area with a bathroom that opened at 10, 10.30. So both of us early risers had to get up very early or just hold it in for a while. Well, one morning I woke up, had to take a pee, and I had a roommate that was taking a very, very long shower, and the Commons was not open, and I really had nowhere to go.

I contemplated just walking outside and going on the side of the building, but there were already students up and about walking around going to classes. This was not an option. So I did what anyone would have done. I started looking around for a container to piss in. The only container I had in my room, though, was a half-full bottle of Clorox bleach. This was a mistake. I opened the bleach and put my dick in the bottle and began to pee, not realizing

the horrible chemical combination here would cause the contents of the bottle to foam up and erupt like a volcano of burning around my junk with my dick still in the bottle. around my junk with my dick still in the bottle. I don't think I yelled, but I did hop around trying to extricate myself from the bottle, spilling it everywhere in my dorm floor. It burned for days, and I may be sterile now and it was only recently that I got around to telling my roommates this story

and why that one day my room smelled like bleach. Thank you. Wow! That's like ammonia and bleach mixing, right? Right. He could... He's lucky. The true lucky thing is that he didn't become over overwhelmed by

the gases created by the mixture and die with his dick in the bleach canister and the headline just says man dies trying to fuck bleach oh that's exactly what has he gone too far we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Jen Kirkman, guest. Oh, Jen, it's really been a joy to have you here and we thank you for taking the time. I loved being here. We know you have kids at home. I got three.

Three children at home that need taking care of. Little devils. Three little adopted kids. One of them was a crack baby. Listen, it's what it's my duty. You gotta feed them oatmeal every hour. That's the treatment.

Hourly crack addiction. Yeah. Hourly oatmeal. But not instant oatmeal. For some reason, it just... You look like that oatmeal from Starbucks. Yes.. Hourly oatmeal. But not instant oatmeal. For some reason, it just... No, you've got to have the whole... You'll look like some oatmeal from Starbucks. Yes.

The steel cut oatmeal. The steel cut. Orange raisins. The good stuff. Mm-hmm. That was a fun show, huh? Got Jen Kirkman. Yes.

Jen Kirkman, of course, is on Twitters, right? Jen Kirkman. Yes, I'm on Twitters, which is different than Twitter. No, I'm on Twitter. I was enjoying your nice, you got a nice new website up there at jenkirkman.com. I got to get a real one, but it's a placeholder. It's pretty nice. No, it's nice.

We got some video clips. Oh, it gets the job done. Hey, I watch you vamping around telling some jokes on a sexy comedy special. Totally. No, yeah, I got my website, Twitter, Facebook like page, which is like herding cats to get people to go to. It just sounds like it's just herding cats. That sounds like fun.

It's called reflexive listening, Jordan. You should try it sometime. It's a way to help people know that you care about what they're saying. Sure. I said it sounded like fun to herd cats. So I don't know why you think I wasn't paying attention. Max Fun Con tickets on sale at maxfuncon.com on November 26th, day after Thanksgiving, Black Friday.

I'm very excited about this year's Max Fun Con. I'm mum about any guests coming to this year's max fun con i will say we've already announced pollock though that neil pollock will be there sure teaching yoga jackson pollock jackson pollock that will be ed harris in character from pollock um uh we're well we haven't yet but trust me we're working on some great stuff some shit that you're gonna really like you're gonna want to you're gonna want to fuck a bleach container you're gonna be so excited and you're gonna want to say you know what you're really gonna want to do you're gonna want to watch the uh cool movie that uh jordan hosts sure about max fun con directed by our friend ben harrison

the man with the people magazine uh it's at maxfuncon.com. You can watch it. I hope that people, here's what I would like to ask. People write me these emails about how amazing Max Fun Con was. And I really appreciate it. I totally appreciate it. I hope that those people, since this is the week that Max Fun Con tickets go on sale, will write those emails on their Facebooks and their blogs and share the video that we made so that other people, so that I don't have to explain so often what the fuck MaxFunCon is. Yeah, you already know it's amazing.

They should email other people besides you. Yeah. These jerks. It's wonderful. It's a life-changing experience. I mean, where else are you going to get to fuck Jordan Morris? Am I? Through the hole in his Spider-Man costume.

Just kidding. through the hole in his spider-man i was gonna say uh i was gonna say yeah if you are considering fucking right uh my hair is at a weird length in that video oh so i'm gonna try and have it at a more reasonable shorter or longer maybe a little longer there's maybe a little too short i don't like the media yeah it's like it's just it was fucking weird i watched you get a lot of ladies i thought you look good huh i thought you look good jordan thank you do you get a lot of ladies at Matt's Fun Club? I thought you looked good, Jordan. Thank you. Do you get ladies? Hey, look.

We all get a lot of ladies. I don't kiss and tell, Jen. Oh, okay. Jordan's a gentleman. I am a gentleman, if nothing else. I just want to know if you've gone too far. Yes, I got too far. It's not a matter of people getting ladies.

Let's just say that it's a very romantic environment. Oh, okay. Very romantic. It's a lot of... It's very sensual. Oh, okay. Very romantic. It's very sensual. Oh, God. We pass out oils. Then I'm definitely not going to. There's a lot of

half-full bleach containers in every room. Anyway, maxfuncon.com. Hey, if you want to sponsor an upcoming episode of Jordan, Jesse, go email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. T-H-E-R-E-S-A, MaximumFun.org. $100 for a personal message, $150 for a commercial message.

We've got some good ones coming up next week, by the way, Jordan. Great. Just wait for it. Just wait for it, folks. I am waiting for it. And we'll see you on the internet. And, hey, on television, Thursdays at 745 Eastern, 445 Pacific on IFC's The Grid. I enjoyed – I watched one of your segments on the internet.

Mm. That was fun. Yeah. We're fun guys. Aren't we though? Look at you guys. Yeah. And Jen Kirkman's television program coming up in January in the Thursday night comedy

marathon on NBC. Totes. 8.30. Perfect couples. I'm not on NBC. Totes. Totes. And everyone come to the UCB Theater December 11th. 10 p.m.

Is one of the couples you and Nick Adams? No, no. You're getting this all confused. Right, because you're marrying Nick Adams. Nick's beautiful wife, Tasha, and your handsome husband, Neil, are getting married. No, none of this is happening. So there's two couples on the show. No.

One is... This is all incorrect. This is all wrong. Nothing you said. You are making NBC cancel the show as we speak. They are signing the paperwork. One of the couples is Olivia Munn and Jezebel.com. No.

You're half right. No. You're half right. Okay. We'll be back next week on Jordan and Jessica. Bye.