Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 156: Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz with Nick Kroll

Episode Date: December 6, 2010

Nick Kroll joins Jesse and Jordan to discuss Dr. Phil shoes and fun with Alka-Seltzer! Also, the most important guest in JJGo history calls in for the most momentous of occasions.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is Jordan, Jesse, Go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, salmon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddle by guest Nick Kroll and a second guest who could be the most important guest in Jordan, Jesse Go history. Let's go.

It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful evening in Los Angeles. The air is crisp and clear. Fall has fallen, which happens in Los Angeles at the beginning of December every year. I've got my new fall do. Yeah, you do. That's true.

It's one of the Mountain Dew seasonal dews. An apple spiced dew. Yeah, you do. That's true. It's one of the Mountain Dew seasonal dews. An apple spiced dew. Dew nog. We have a wonderful guest in the studio here with us. You know him for his work, of course, on FX's The League, on HBO's The Life and Times of Tim in his upcoming comedy special for his live and television appearances in his various beloved characters.

His name is Nick Kroll. Oh, hello. Wait a minute. Are you giving me a no? Because it occurred to me, you and John Mulaney, another brilliant comic mind, have developed a pair of characters that you perform as Oh Hello.

Yes. And they're sort of... They're divorcees. Yes. They're sort of classy New York gentlemen. Upper West Side. They meet in a bookstore the strand and they're well known for their uh turtlenecks as you are wearing currently and i

it occurred to me as i was as i was cooking the soup that i was cooking before i'm wearing a pendleton over a turtleneck so it's cool in Los Angeles I was wearing an apron with ducks on it And it occurred to me Like when the doorbell rang the second time And Jordan was already here I was walking up the stairs And I was like, oh, I'm dressed I'm basically in costume

As one of Nick Kroll's best known jokes But you have You have more than a monikerum of self-awareness, which is a trait that none of my characters seem to hold. That's true. That's fair. I feel embarrassed. I thought Dana Carvey was coming over. That's why I dressed as

Dieter. Oh, shit! That's Mike Myers. Shit! God damn it! Can I take that again? Church Lady. Church Lady. You do get Church Lady's fall due. I got the orthopedic shoes, my church lady fall due And the desperate need for approval Sure, exactly He's making a comeback, Dana Carvey

Is Dana Carvey making a comeback? Are you referring to Man of Mystery Or what was that called? I don't know Master of Disguise Is the movie from 10 years ago? I've seen him a couple times on late night shows And I think he's of disguise. Master of disguise. He has the movie from 10 years ago. Yeah, he, well, he has, I've seen him a couple times on late night shows

and I think he's a, Didn't he have a pilot? Didn't he have like a sketch pilot with some kind of reputable, Oh, Spike Ferriston. Yes.

He and Spike Ferriston had a sketch pilot. And I think he's going to be hosting something soon. Oh, really? But I don't know. Something. You don't know what?

Yeah, I don't know what. Or I don't know what? Yeah, I don't know what. Or I don't know if I'm allowed to say what it is. Christmas party? He's hosting a Christmas party. He's hosting a parasite. He's currently hosting a parasite. A tapeworm in his stomach. But it's a super exclusive parasite, so I'm not allowed to say who it is. Yeah.

It used to be Joaquin Phoenix's parasite. Right. It sounds like you're a real Hollywood insider, Nick. I got the inside scoop. I read all the blogs. Sure. I read all the trades. Sure. I start all the rumors.

Sure. I lie a lot. I lie a ton, which makes me a qualified Hollywood insider. But I will say this about Oh Hello is John and I both, I say Oh Hello as almost all of my characters at some point now not not the way that uh my the oh hello characters would say oh hello if that makes sense not as my character Gil Faison how would Gil now how just to illustrate it for our audience how would Gil Faison say oh hello oh hello and then oh nick one time one time you said on a scale of one on a scale of one to alan alda it's an alien yeah it's an eight point it's an 8.3 that's the funniest thing

anyone's ever said There is a fun We have spent a lot of time figuring out that scale Because okay in the world of these characters Alan Alda Or saying something Alan Alda like Is the highest praise Alan Alda is the greatest human being to ever live According to Gil Faison and George St. Keegland

Or anyone with a head on their shoulders And by the way Anyone with a head on their shoulders. Yeah, and by the way, anyone with a head on their shoulders. Alan Alda's awesome. Alan Alda's awesome. And he's having a little, he's doing, he just did David Wayne's Wanderlust movie. Oh, that's fantastic. That Apatow's producing,

and I think he's doing this new Stiller movie. And of course, Scientific American Frontiers. Yeah, I mean've i've read it i have no joke read his autobiography never have your dog stuff twice um it's like the it's in the bathroom of my parents house so like when i'm home it's like that's the it's the repeat reading and um he's done so many cool things like he you know he was a theater actor he came out of vaudeville he's not jewish which was always every time I read it, every time I'm home and I reread that autobiography, it surprises me.

That's the name of one of the chapters. I know it's surprising, but I'm not Jewish. Yeah, I know. He's an Italian guy. Grew up in the world of vaudeville. His parents were both vaudeville actor and performers. And then he became an actor, and then he wrote 30-odd episodes of MASH.

He directed many, including the finale, I believe. Man, Nick, okay, so you've given us the scoop on Dana Carvey. You've given us a scoop on Alan Alda. I don't know. What's up with Kelsey Grammer these days? Well, he started Todd HD, which is an online streaming video. His wife is currently on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. What?

Does he appear? Kelsey Grammer's wife is on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Is this one of your famous lies? No, this is not one of my famous lies. This is one of my little known lies. Okay. No, but this is not a lie. Kelsey Grammer's wife is on The Real Housewives of Beverly

Hills, and I have watched the show on planes. Sure. A popular place to watch Bravo programming. Yeah, it is, right? Always on a plane and always on someone else's screen. I'm always watching someone else's screen. And she's on the show

and what I can glean from it is that she's always hoping that Kelsey will show up to something, and then he doesn't. But does he ever appear on the show? He did appear on the show. Wow. Which should cause him great embarrassment. Yeah, right. I mean, as a...

Scripted performer. Yeah, right? But shouldn't, I mean, shouldn't, it's like the, you know, the women in Atlanta or D.C. or whatever, like, but shouldn't Kelsey Grammer be savvy enough to know that when you're on one of these shows, you're mocked? Or is that not widely considered

to be the... My guess is he has signed a deal with the devil with his wife that all the money in the world has not made her happy. And perhaps allowing her some fame will bring her some joy slash get hair out of his hair. Well, the thing is, is it was either... Or what's left of it. Yes.

It's balding. It was either let her have some fame or let her play with his pumas. Right. And the pumas are his thing the pumas are his isn't he does he have pumas i think at one point he was famous like early in his career in the beginning of his success for having pumas being a crazy coke head yes um walking the pumas down the beach in malibu on a chain or something like that doing coke with the pumas off of a puma you know what's weird he's the Pumas. Off of a Puma.

You know what's weird? Pumas do uncut shit. Yeah, when you do coke with Pumas, they don't get rowdy. They actually chill out. Oh, interesting. I don't know why, but they're... Biology, that's why.

I guess so. What happens when you do lewds with a jackal? They get... They actually... They weirdly get really touchy. Oh, interesting. not like violent touchy like weird touchy we're like we're friends they just want to like hug a lot yeah they hug it's like weird they have ecstasy effects on them when they do um i feel like you know everything about

hollywood i am the foremost expert in this room on what i say about Hollywood. I kind of feel like, you know, look, I wasn't planning to trot this out so early in the show. But as we learned last week, I'm, of course, known as a Hollywood insider. Yeah, and Nick has officially made this a pissing contest. What do you got? Whip it out, Thorne. I do have one big gun to pull out here.

Sure, do it. It concerns one of the biggest stars in Hollywood. I currently, in some plastic bags that you will see over in the corner of this studio. I spy them. Have five pairs of Dr. Phil's shoes. Wow. How does that happen? How does one...

He's a 12D. Okay. They're Allen Edmonds. It's a solid shoe. He didn't choose my favorite Allen Edmonds models, but it's a good shoe. Did he send them to you? Well, he didn't send them directly to me. Were you suggesting that maybe I wrote him a letter and asked if I could have a few pairs of his shoes?

Dear asshole, send me your shoes. Love love jesse we are the same size you're a 12d i'm a 12d well what does it mean look i'm not gonna lie to you nick i'm more of a 12b or c okay i got a narrow foot you can you can stuff them and make them look like a d yeah absolutely it's a bit of cucumber in there so wait so what is by the way i don't know with d a b c d e you're talking about width right so d is is medium width and then e double e triple e is wide widths and then c b a is narrow widths and and what kind of shoe does one need to wear to know such things? A dress shoe, but also some like New Balance. They'll sell at least a wide sneaker. Okay.

But generally sneakers are just one medium width. I'm wearing a Nike. This is a Nike sneaker. That's a nice Nike sneaker. This is my workout Nike sneaker, but I wore it out today under the guise that maybe a hike would happen, and it didn't. So you're looking at what, a medium width? I have no idea. I assume all of my proportions are medium.

Right. Including, you know. Oh, yeah. The old medium dick. Okay, so Nick, you were thinking to yourself that you may hike today. So you wore these shoes. Can we get back to Dr. Phil's shoes? Hold on.

Okay. By the way. I have a doubt. This is also clothes related. Okay. But you're wearing like slacks and then a sweater. I'm wearing a red pant. A red pant.

Is this a pant? You're looking at a Nantucket red, I'd characterize it as. I think it will, over time, fade into a Nantucket red. Right. Which is really a pink. Under this kind of... Fair enough. Sensible fall outfit, do you have hiking shorts,

or were you prepared to hike in this sensible fall outfit? I have a short in my car. Okay. A pair short. Sure. Why is it a pair of shorts do you do you know the answer to these questions you seem to be two legs okay done pair of pants solved so one pant is one leg worth of pant yeah okay right why not depends what hemisphere you're in okay you got one dungaree yeah you're talking about one Okay. You got one dungaree. Yeah. You're talking about one leg. Okay.

You got some dungarees. You got a pair of dungarees. Yeah. And is there a difference between a dungaree and a gene? I think a dungaree and a gene are the same. Okay. It's just how much you're talking to your mother that week. I think.

But somebody's going to email in to correct me. But I will point out that they will have looked it up on the internet. You know what? Let them. Okay. Let them do it. I will. I'll let them.

Yeah. Do you think moms still pronounce Mario Mario? Yeah, they do. Are you playing the Mario Brothers? Yeah. I mean, it's like, you know, as many Mario games are being produced now as they were at the height of his popularity, does the modern mom still say Mario? By the way, the modern mom is our sister at this point.

Right. Yeah, that's true. For me, the modern mom is like my sister. I don't have a sister, so in my case, it's my brother. Right. Who dresses like a woman. Yeah. He lives as a woman.

He hasn't been biologically. But he has given birth to a child. Really? Oh, absolutely. My brother's wife just gave birth two days ago. That must be really exciting. Let's talk about Dr. Phil's shoes. I really expected more out of me saying that I had five pairs of Dr. Phil's shoes.

Don't underestimate my excitement and interest in this. But I do believe that you pulled out your gun. Right. And then this is going to be a nice, slow simmer throughout the show that we're going to learn more about Dr. Phil's shoes. Do you want to blow all of... Can I ask you a question about it? I, I'm not going to blow it all, but you can ask me a question. In Mad Men, they didn't just explain

all of Don Draper's backstory in one episode. They're doling it out over the various seasons. That's the classy way to do it. But I do like that you are going to have to carry the secret of having Dr. Phil's shoes over many years to come. There's going to be a lot of tension. Will people find out?

And those who you share it with will both be a sign of great trust. I'm actually, did you read my book? I'm working on a fantasy novel, The Secret of Dr. Phil's Shoes. Really? Yeah. It's like a young adult fantasy novel. It's like a young adult. It's a fill the void for Harry Potter.

It's like a young adult thing, but it's not just for kids. Sure. Is how I would describe it. Not just for kids. It's also for older psychopaths. Yeah. Absolutely. Wait, so can I ask? It's for kids and shameless people.

People with no shame. How did you go? How did you procure Dr. Phil's shoes? Oh, in shopping. Okay. There was a display. Uh-huh. I took what action needed, in shopping? Okay. There was a display. I took what

action needed to be taken. Okay, so you are not actually wearing... Those are not actual shoes that have been slipped onto the feet, the mustached feet of Dr. Phil. What would lead you to believe that they hadn't been on Dr. Phil's feet?

So someone was advertising... Nick, wake up! I said these are Dr. Phil endorsed shoes. This isn't like Dr. Phil's feet. So someone was advertising. Nick, wake up. I said these are Dr. Phil endorsed shoes. This isn't like Dr. J's shoes. When you say display at a store, do you mean garbage can behind Dr. Phil's house? Well, technically, I mean shoe rack in Dr. Phil's bedroom. Oh, sure. How were they purchased? I went this weekend.

I enjoy thrift store shopping. As we all do. I went this weekend to a gala thrift store event. One of my favorite thrift stores has converted its merchandising model to a seasonal merchandising model. So four times a year or something, they put out all new merchandise and they have a gala event. merchandising model to a, like a seasonal merchandising model. So at the, so like four times a year or something, they put out all new merchandise and they have a gala event and you have to stand outside and wait to get in. And they give you a card with a number on it. You have to wait four hours, whatever, not four hours, two hours. And, uh, I went in there and like Japanese

kids with Nikes. Exactly. Precisely. Only it's, uh, sort of shifty looking middle-aged women who are looking for porcelain that they can sell on ebay okay um and uh so i i went out there to do this and luckily obviously i was there maybe not obviously but i was interested in buying clothes there and uh the good news is that the crowd that shows up to pick up a number at the thrift store at 6.30 in the a.m., not a well-dressed crowd, not interested in purchasing clothes. And so I got a decent number, not a great number, but I got in there. I pretty much had first crack at the men's clothes. Although, Jesse, I will say that maybe while the 6.30 a.m. thrift store crowd not that fashionable,

probably the crowd that's most interested in Dr. Phil memorabilia. That's true. So I'm surprised you didn't get fucked on this. I mean, they're people with holes in their emotional lives, yes. Okay. Holes that can be filled by that famous stash. Who scooped up Dr. Oz's used condom? There was a rack of Dr. Phil's clothes as well.

I didn't buy any of Dr. Phil's clothes. Now, did he like donate them for charity? Is that the idea? So apparently he is a big fan of this particular thrift store. They did a segment about this thrift store on Dr. Phil in an episode about scrimping and saving. Scrimping is not eating shrimp. That's right.

That's correct. Scrimping is not eating shrimp. That's correct. Nor is it when a sailor carves a scene in a piece of ivory. Is that another use for the word scrimping? That's called crumping or clown dancing. Okay, that makes sense. So there was just a rack that said

Dr. Phil's suits. But you didn't get an authenticity certificate for these. No, but they did have, there were shirts there that had Dr. Phil's monogram on them. And there was confirmed cum stains from Oprah. Right. Right. Absolutely. Oprah's female cum.

Yeah. Oprah had cum on the thing they had a dna dna guy there like a csi situation oprah jacula but the shoes the shoes were my size great so i bought five pairs of dr phil's shoes and then i've sold i've promptly sold them on the internet not as but the question was I did I wasn't sure whether to advert because they're fine quality shoes and worth uh twice what I paid for them even secondhand and so I wasn't sure whether to sell them as belonging to Dr. Phil because you feel like it seems like maybe you would lose as many potential customers as you would gain by...

It feels like you're opening a whole can of worms. Right. Because it's like, okay, how do we know they're Dr. Phil's? Is there authenticity? Like someone buying it off the internet is going to want... Because I could be like, yeah, these are...

This is Harvey Keitel's dungarees. You know what I mean? They're like, how do I know it's Harvey Keitel? I said, well, look at how short those legs are. And I would call those jeans rather than dungarees. Harvey would. Yeah. That's how Harv does it.

That's how Sklarvy Keitel does it. That's a callback to the Sklar Brothers podcast, which, of course, is hosted by the Sklar Brothers. Yeah. And thus makes that pun make sense. I wish the Sklar Brothers podcast was hosted by the sklar brothers yeah um and thus makes that pun make sense i wish the sklar brothers podcast was hosted by the waynes brothers do bigger numbers at the box office it would it'd be more in your face too yeah i think so it'd be outrageous it's certainly outrageous and feature more uh characters that are horrible to

look at because of some weird makeup or CGI. Do you think that a quality shoe is more or less valuable when it's attached to the Dr. Phil legacy? It is a legacy. These are lightly worn shoes. So you're not going to get any of that kind of used underpants sniffing from the beautiful women of course that love sure dr phil the not obese women who would be interested in sniffing the underwear of dr phil i do picture by the way all of dr phil's various body parts having tiny mustaches literally do you feel like maybe jeffrey tambor shaved his mustache when dr phil got famous because he was sick of people thinking that he was dr phil it's very possible it's very

possible or he just covers the mustache with a fake skin he's like i am accomplished character actor jeffrey tambor dr phil is a famous boob and i wonder though do they really look that much alike or is it just tall bald men like when when jeffrey tambor goes in to audition for secretariat you know what i mean like for the for the role of gambling tout of course or like horse owner yeah as i do you think do you think there's three casting people who are there who are like great we got a esteemed character actor jeffrey tambor from arrested development from the larry sanders show from hellboy to come in here and audition for our thing and then there's one casting person who's like dr Dr. Phil shaved his mustache.

He's making the crossover, huh? He's acting now? This is great because we got that scene where Secretariat has a family member who's got an eating problem. We've got that scene with the big test reveal. Have you sat through a whole episode of Dr. Phil? I sat through an episode of The Doctors once. How was that? I was on an episode of dr phil i sat through an episode of the doctors once how was i was on an episode of the doctors excuse me uh a doctor's clip show where they called in comedians to riff

on some of the funniest moments in the history of the doctor as nick kroll is to the vh1 network yeah so i have two syndicated medical advice programs we've all god did they pay you for it they did yeah that's nice and pretty good too i mean i've i've heard that these these green screen riff sessions are kind of maybe not even worth doing i believe they're now airing stuff that i shot in like 2004 when i had was just like desperate to be captured in two-dimensional form at the time you were Nick Kroll from I Love the 30s. Yes. The parody of... My biggest credit was an internet parody video of those exact shows. But yeah, I don't know if I had any...

I don't think I had. It was just actor-comedian or comedian Nick Kroll. But I was so desperate to be... I Love the 80s. When I remember when I Love the 80s came out, it was really this weirdly, it's not cathartic, but it was like, this is,

it felt really on point for like where we were as a culture. And I think it, and then they had all the spinoffs and that what was amazing is that your average person would see me and be like, Hey man, I saw you were like, I just saw you on that. I love the 80s,

you know? And it was like, I was like, no, I was on awesomely bad metal songs. But your average person could care less about differentiating. They'd watch you and be like, oh, I saw you on I Love the 80s. You know, the one about the syndicated medical advice show

The Doctors. But yeah, that's a whole genre of TV now like like every cable network has their version of that show to make it is so cheap to make they didn't pay me they would call me in didn't pay you not until i got on best week ever not until i got on best week ever did i get paid for but it was you know for me not even 250 bucks i think people usually not you get paid a bullshit wage like $200. Not a cent.

Because it was, I think, under the qualification of news or something like that. It was very newsworthy stuff. Talking about... Rubik's Cubes. I wish. I was talking about Color Me Bad. Tiffany. Yeah.

Cross Colors. I wish. You're talking Tiffany. Yeah. Cross colors. I wish. You're talking about cultural events. I'm talking about, you know, like, you know, I'm trying to think of the worst song that I had to talk about. Were you going in and writing, were you writing material in advance for these things? I, at first, would write some material.

I had a couple jokes for each. You know, they give you 50 songs. You're basically writing jokes about 50 songs. And then I realized that my skill set lay less in writing jokes and more just showing up and fucking around. And they would usually find something, and they're useful. They did not pay you. They did not pay me to write. They owe you a little something.

You're a big part of the success of Awesomely Awful Metal Songs. I am the most important piece. You're the linchpin. You're the Hollywood insider. I am a Hollywood insider. How would they know what Variety Speak is if it weren't for you having been there

at those recording sessions? Well, I didn't know. I wasn't a Hollywood insider at that point. They would have thought a prexy was gonna boffo the ankle wait is that in new york were you in new york then i was in new york okay yeah i was going to uh and we all did it you know and i i mean look a lot of people on show business do a lot of stuff for free like this podcast currently and um i'm getting paid for this one though right no i mean i'll slip you a little something when we get out when we get out of the room i'll suck your dick okay well hey so i'm gonna give you some money worked out jesse's

gonna suck your d wait you know what's interesting is i'm not very good at confrontation. And I was at a hotel in Boston. I was doing a show there. This lady had just sucked your dick. She had just sucked my dick. But you did a bad job. I was like, what I need you to do is, this is, I don't know why, but please put Alka-Seltzer in some water, drink the Alka-Seltzer, hold it in your mouth, and then S my D.

And for whatever reason, the bubbles sort of go up into my urethra, and that's the only way I can blow. I can't explain it scientifically. But it is science. It is the only way I can blow. Hey, plop plop fizz fizz. As they say.

Go ahead and eat my jizz. So anyway. So anyway, I don't know why I thought this would not be. I did not in my head think that this would be a jizz-based podcast. Yeah. But here we are. So I was at a hotel. I will disclose the name because i want to i was at the westin i'd never have you guys ever stayed at a westin talking about the westin yeah i like i like i like a westin i don't know if this story is going to defame the westin

there must have been some conference there i spent i spent so much money on a hotel room i spent 500 on a hotel room which if you're like hey sweetheart it's our anniversary let's go stay at a nice hotel we deserve it like 500 it's a lot of money for right you want to pay 250 i wanted to pay and it's really nice yeah i wanted 200 i wanted to spend like two i'm if i spend 200 and like because i'm just at a point where you go on the road and like, I just can't, I spend so much, when you're on the road, you spend so much time in your hotel room. I can't, for my mind, stay in like, oh, I'm going to stay on a holiday

and buy the, you know, because I desperately want to commit suicide today. So we stayed at the Westin, but there was some conference in Boston. Every hotel room was taken, and but there was some conference in boston every hotel room was taken and so it was like 500 and the hotel was not in great shape the elevator took forever there was like a conference there i get to my room the wallpaper is slightly peeling the wood uh with the lamp was worn i just was and i get my bill in the morning and with taxes and everything it was six hundred dollars and i was just like i can't believe how expensive this was so i go down to the um desk and i say like look no one treated me wrong here i was not ill treated just my room

was kind of crappy the elevator didn't work great i just can't imagine why this cost me in the end $600. And so the woman was like talking to me and then she looked over at like the manager and the manager sort of came over and said, I'm sorry, we're about to do renovations. But and he nodded at the other woman and the woman said, so we'd like to comp your room for you. And I was shocked. I have never because I don't like confrontation. I have never, because I don't like confrontation. I don't complain because I don't. I'm like, in the end, I'm like, I'd rather pay money than deal with.

Sure, than have a weird feeling in your brain. Exactly. So, and then they comped my room entirely. And it was like, it set such a bad precedent for me of like, oh, I should be complaining more often. Can I ask you a question though why did i just tell that story how much money how much money did you lose gambling now because that's where they get you they get you in the room and then they want you out on the tables

buffet brunch i dropped historical tours of course i dropped about three thousand dollars in boston gambling right in Chinatown. Right. Playing Mahjong. Plus $25 for the duck tour. Yeah. Yes. And $45 for those pants.

These pants. It's a New England pant. These pants cost me $45, but they've made me almost $2,000. Wow. Do you want to know how? Yeah, I'd love to hear that. I murdered a guy. Right.

He's got blood all over the pants. Okay. Right. But because they're red, nobody saw the blood. Oh, and the bail from prison for a murder is $2,000. For me, currently, it's $2,000. Wow. Because I'm not a flight risk.

Huh. Right. So there you go. Those are an investment, then. They are an investment in my criminal enterprise. We'll be back. Specifically murder. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nick Kroll is here with us. And I'm Nick Kroll. It's a pleasure to have you here, Nick Kroll. Oh, thanks for having me. Nick, look.

I'm going to be honest with you. You're a great guest. I enjoy watching the league. Thank you. I enjoy watching the league. Thank you. I enjoy your crazy characters. I appreciate it. I already credited you with saying the funniest thing that anyone's ever said. You were correct in that.

But we do have a more important guest on this week's program. I totally agree. I want to... Ladies and gentlemen, Kelsey Grammer. Jordan. Yes. Ladies and gentlemen, Kelsey Grammer's Pumas. Excuse me.

Oh, no. Get them off. Nick, can we take a second to talk to Kelsey Grammer's Pumas? It's from your one-man show, right? Okay, so our guest here, his name, he's joining us via telephone from a secret location. His name is Nate. Nate, welcome to Jordan, Jesse, go. Thank you, thank you.

It's great to have you on the program. Tell me, you don't have to give me your address or anything, but where are you? I'm in North Carolina. Beautiful North. I hear that's a beautiful state. It is, you don't have to give me your address or anything, but where are you? I'm in North Carolina. Beautiful North. I hear that's a beautiful state. It is, yeah. It's very warm. So, Nate, I have a question for you. Yes. Is there a lady in your life?

There is indeed. Really? What's her name? Her name's Jenny. Tell me a little bit about her. Where'd you meet Jenny? Jenny. Tell me a little bit about her. Where did you meet Jenny? I met Jenny about seven years ago when we were both

teaching basically a summer camp for dorks. For gifted children whose parents sent them away and we were teaching little children. And so we met at that camp. We were both teachers. What were you teaching? I was teaching

like junior class on pharmacology. Wow. Yeah, I teach a little junior class on pharmacology out behind the high school most afternoons. Jordan?

Yeah, no, that's actually exactly what I was going to ask. What were you teaching and what was she teaching? I assume you guys had specialties at this camp. She was teaching the younger kids,

and she was teaching them a class sort of on the senses. Oh, the senses. Okay, and what various pharmaceuticals do to those senses. You guys were at some sort of weird Timothy Leary drug camp. It was, yeah. Nate, do you remember actually when you first met her,

what your impressions of her were when you first met her? Yeah, actually I remember when I first met her, it was really strange because I felt extremely comfortable. I felt like i had uh...

noted for for years and within a minute i'd be comfortable talking to her did you ask her out right away uh... not right away and try and put up like a little like group social event what was that was the event uh... we watch we are watched a movie and i I didn't know what the movie was going to be.

It turned out to be, like, really gory, horrible, not a romantic movie at all. Wait, so just as a camp counselor, you had the ability to kind of organize movie nights? Or was this counselors only? Were the kids there? I mean, I'm guessing because it was gory, there were no kids there. But this was like a counselors only situation? Yeah, that's right the um the counselors who did the teaching were didn't have to deal with the kids outside of class at all and then there were special counselors who dealt with the kids like socially outside okay so um when did you when did you first ask her out for

real um probably like the like the next next few days after the movie night. I had like a move planned where I had, this was at a college they were teaching this, and I had the keys to the roof of the science building. They had like an observatory kind of thing. Nice. So that was part of my plan was that at the end of like taking her out for dinner, I'd go up to the top

of the roof of the observatory and show her the monster you'd made for her. How long have you two been together? Um, I guess it's probably

been like six years now. Wow. That's a long time. Hey, listen, um, I was wondering if there was anything that you'd like, I know the two of you are both fans of Jordan Jesse Go, right? Absolutely, yes. Regular listeners without fail? Absolutely. I should hope so, given what's about to happen next. what's about to happen next.

Do you have anything you'd like to say to Jenny? Yeah, I'd like to say that, you know, Jenny, I love you very much, and I'd like to spend the rest of my life with you, and so I would like to ask you to marry me. Yes! Yes! This is so exciting what did she say

what did she say I don't know this is recorded it played back later are you are you gonna listen are you gonna listen with her or how are you gonna do it

listen to this week's episode of comedy death ray for her answer yeah so I yeah that's the thing. I think it'll be kind of funny to wait and see when she hears it. You guys don't have, like, date night to listen to the show. No.

No, we haven't listened to, like, our own schedule. So I'm just going to kind of wait for this to hit. And you have promised. I should say that you emailed Teresa, our development director, to ask her if we could do this. Of course, the answer was an emphatic yes. And you promised, the thing that we wanted you to promise was that you would give us the results on next week's show. And you're willing to accept that responsibility?

Absolutely. She's probably going to say no. You know that, right? After this, yeah. Because of the super dorky way you asked her. Yeah, yeah. How did you choose this over, say, a hot air balloon or a gondola in a casino?

Or in Italy, I guess. Yeah. Well, she's very diehard. She actually called in a couple weeks ago. She was on the show, actually a month ago now, for having a donk kick another donk. Oh, yeah. A donk's a miniature donkey, Nick. Just so you know. Little burrito. Yeah. Oh, jeez. Oh. My first choice.

Way to go. So, Nate, how do you feel now that you've popped the question, but without actually knowing the answer? I feel great. There's less confrontation this way. Do you have a ring already picked out? I do, yes. What are we looking at?

Show me the ring. Let me see the ring. The ring, the stone's actually going to come from her grandmother and great-grandmother. Oh. And then I got a different band for it. You know, what's interesting to me is, like, the question will happen. Right. She will scream.

Right. As women do. Right. And then she will call or go to him. She'll fall off the Stairmaster. Right. And will all of this be listened to? Oh, that's a good question.

So this, what we're saying, is probably being obstructed by screams. So tell your goddamn future fiancé to shut her goddamn trap. Well, I mean, all I can say, Nate, is that we are just incredibly honored that you chose our show as the venue for this. And it is our absolutely sincere hope that not only Jenny says yes, but the two of you share

a really wonderful life together. Thank you very much. Thanks for having me. Thank you very much, Nate. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. it's jordan jessico i'm jesse thne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nick Kroll, licensed photographer. He does have a photography license. He showed it to me.

I ask that people show me a license before we do the program. Do people always do, after a little while of the show, does everybody always then throw in their little? Yeah, it's fun. I mean, when else do you get to do something like that? You know, all the time. That's fair i mean when else do you get to do something like that you know all the time yeah that's fair but not with you guys um hey guess what uh we got this box of shit uh and i it's literal someone's yeah human feces so you called the police okay you have a weird stalker

i keep i want you to know there's a there board here with magnets and there's checks on it. I'm trying to look at those checks. There's a check for $15. I know. I couldn't tell if it was $15 or $150 from where I am. $15, my friend. Okay, let's open up the Jordan Jesse Go Mailbag, shall we? Sure.

Jordan, here's a Christmas card. Thanks to Casey from Galveston, Texas. Sure. This is actually my first Christmas card of the season. Yeah. It was mine, too. This one's addressed personally to me, too. Yeah, Casey was kind enough to send one to Teresa and myself, as well.

Very thoughtful. I think Casey, if I remember correctly, Casey is a lady. So thank you to Casey for sending us that Christmas card. Do men ever send cards? I don't think so. I certainly begged them. They're too busy at the monster truck rally. Now,

this is an interesting one. Apparently, I only vaguely remember this, but to be frank, I only vaguely remember anything that happens on this program. Apparently, at some point, we were talking about Boy Scout popcorn, which is the talking about Boy Scout popcorn. Yes. Which is the alternative to Girl Scout cookies.

And I got this giant box in the mail the other day. Boy Scout popcorn sounds like a gay sexual position. Or like a gay club. Like there's a nightclub that has a night that's called Boy Scout popcorn. there's a nightclub that has a night that's called Boy Scout Popcorn. I came with this letter inside a giant bag of Boy Scout Popcorn. I don't know

if this stuff comes in small bags, but this was a monstrous bag. That is, by the way, the tagline to Boy Scout Popcorn. That is a monstrous bag. This stuff comes in small bags. In a recent Jordan Jesse Go episode, the topic of Boy Scout popcorn came up,

and I thought you guys should try some. I tried it, by the way. It's delicious. Okay. It's caramel corn, but a very nice, high-quality caramel corn. And it also has three different types of nuts. Since the national headquarters

of the Boy Scouts of America is in Texas, I guess you could also consider this a food item sent in honor of the San Francisco Giants World Series victory. Now, I should point out that this guy is in New Jersey.

His name is Don Schaffner, PhD. Also sounds like a weird game. Yeah. A porno event. Yeah. Don Schaffner and so this is not technically this is not technically a gift

when the Giants won the World Series we suggested that perhaps listeners, since I'm a San Francisco Giants supporter listeners who lived in Texas, home of the Texas Rangers, should send me a mayor-to-mayor style wager gift. Now, Don was very nice to send us this stuff.

It had this PS on it. Hope you choke and die. Rot in hell. This was the most striking part of this letter to me p.s food related questions seem to come up on jordan jesse go from time to time i will interject here as they do in life right it's one of the key elements of life how's that pasta there's an example right there just came up since i have have a PhD in food science, I'd be happy to be your, now this is in quotes, go-to guy for any food-related questions.

Now, Jordan, just go-to. This is not a thoughtful, kind, no-strings-attached gift. This guy wants to be the Dr oz of food science like the kind of no strings attached gift you get at boy scout popcorn every wednesday night in west hollywood but if unless you want strings attached this is this is that just string to my balls this is i don't know i'm trying to imagine the situation in which we would need a go-to guy for food science. Frankly, I think even our second choice would be okay if we needed it. Well, I don't know what's happening.

I got a kickstarter.com, you know, Kickstarter. So I got a request from a friend of a friend who's doing a documentary about... Kickstarter projects. Yeah, that would be amazing uh about the uh the spice trade no the i'm sorry the marco polo had did this the spice you know route sure these guys are canoeing down the meadowlands river right the meadowland just as marco polo on the spice to do along the way, they're playing Marco Polo, the popular pool game. The whole way.

No, they are going to be, they're going on a tour of the spice trade, meaning all of the, where the factories that make food, fuck, I'm really blowing this, guys. Flavorings? Yes. Human.

Artificial flavoring. The artificial flavoring factories artificial the artificial flavoring factories gunpowder yeah spaghetti these are all food related questions it's a good point but maybe this guy works at one of those factories it's possible well he has i have to say he signed his name sincerely your fan don and then underneath it Donald W. Schaffner PhD and then under that professor that's a busy guy

so I'm putting together from him having put professor there the fact that he lives in New Jersey and that his email address is a Rutgers email address that perhaps he is a professor at Rutgers which granted is an esteemed university the kind of university where you would expect the faculty to know that they're not going to get into

show business by sending somebody Boy Scout popcorn. Is there such a thing as Boy Scout popcorn? Yeah, absolutely. Can we take a handful? Well, do you want me to go get it? Oh, I thought it was in that box. No. I was having a discussion yesterday about what you referred to, which I knew growing up was Crunch and Munch.

Sure. Fiddle Faddle? Fiddle Faddle or Poppycock. These are all names. These are all. And let's get real for a second here. The stuff is great. Yeah.

It's a great snack treat. Well, I feel like kettle corn has grown in popularity in recent years. I've seen it has become more ubiquitous. That's true, especially at farmer's markets and it's moved from farmer's markets to state fairs. Yes. Well, actually, and I have seen kettle corn

at a lot of you know, kind of mainstream-y type events. Yes. The example I will give is Warped Tour. Really? A lot of will give is Warped Tour. Really? A lot of kettle corn at Warped Tour, and they sold it in these giant wind socks that people had slung over their shoulders

like an old-time World War II soldier's knapsack. Yeah. They sell them in such... They're going to war against being normal. Yes, you're fucking salty popcorn. I'm going to freak out my mom and dad. Well, it is perfect for getting baked at a concert because you get a little sweet,

you get a little salty, you get a little crunch. It's not a heavy carry. It's not going to melt. I would ask people to consider brewer's yeast. That's a different gay night, right? Exactly. We got a box from the Wallace family yeast. Which is another, that's a different gay night, right? We got a box from the Wallace family of Houston,

Texas. This box contained a letter. This is what the letter says. This is from Rasheed Wallace's family? It is. Greetings from Houston. This is from Shannon Wallace. Enclosed you will find a random selection, hopefully not literally random, of Texas trinkets. I hope there's something that each, you will find a random selection, hopefully not literally random, of Texas

trinkets. I hope there's something that each of you will enjoy. I was just really scanning that for the gay nightclub illusion, but couldn't find one. Couldn't find anything. Let's take some paper out. Wait, you don't think random selection is a night of gay nights somewhere?

Yep, you know what? It is. Let's see, we got an anti-George W. Bush. We got some different anti-George W. Bush materials. Okay. They're the one liberal family in Houston. Yeah, they are. We have a doggy-danna or dog bandanna. Can I have that?

Yes. Oh, no, you have dogs. That one's for you. No, that one's for you. Thank you. dog bandana can i have that yes oh no you have that one's for you no that one's for you thank you um my dogs will enjoy these texas toothpicks brand uh dog chews i've eaten dog food twice i used to eat dog food all the time when i was little really i was like four or five years old i don't know why i did but i did it in my late 20s early 30s why did you do that one time was

at oh hello right millennia we would always so i understand why we would make drinks like the I did it in my late 20s, early 30s. Why'd you do that? One time was at Oh Hello. Right. Me and Melanie, we would always make... So I understand why. We would make drinks, like the tuna teeny. Right. The tuna-based martini. And then we had to keep heightening it, and we finally made a dogatini. And that was a martini with snossages.

Wow. And I ate a snossage. How was it? Gristly. Hmm. Like sandy. And then you're likeistly. Hmm. Like sandy. And then you're like, oh, that's not bad. And then you're like, oh, no, that's just animal bone that I'm eating.

Right. But wait, so it was just imagining what was in the snossage that was unpleasant. It wasn't actually the taste. No, it was the physical. And then I ate a pepperoni entirely, and I vomited. Here is a catnip cat toy. I'm going to guess that's for your cat bug. Hey, I'll take it.

That's for Jordan's cat bug. This is an exhaustive selection. I would like to thank a kind woman who was nice enough to send us some more tasty cakes recently. She said she was unable to support us with a donation, but she was glad she could send us some tasty cakes. I want to be clear. Send us a donation, but she was glad she could send us some Tasty Cakes. I want to be clear. Send us a donation, not Tasty Cakes. She was thinking about signing us up for some kind of Tasty Cakes subscription.

I don't need that. No. $2 a month is the lowest donation level. Call our cash. You don't have to buy that many Tasty Cakes to make up for $2 a month, right? It's like gift certificates. Okay. So give me the cash. Sure. Okay. um what are we what are we looking at here i think

this is some kind of uh this is some kind of lovely uh hand towel well this is nice i'm keeping the hand towel studio dish towel hand towel look at this pretty look at this nice dish towel it's texas themed dish towel man alive she alive. She really went all out on this situation. Oh, Texas Monthly. That's for you, Nick. This is actually great because I always wondered what it would be like to go into a doctor's office in Texas. And now I know what they would be reading. Yeah, absolutely.

Texas Monthly, the 50 best Mexican restaurants. I've got a Texas bomb. Bomb! I'm kidding. I've got a Texas bomb. Bomb! I'm kidding. I do want to read the article on the Amarillo. I'm going to read the article on the Amarillo YouTube star. Why wouldn't you? Yeah, actually.

Wait, there's a YouTube star from Texas? The second most populous state in the union? Yeah, there's also a list of Texas super doctors. So far. What did you get over there, Jordan? This is a Tyler Candle Company candle. Bougie

perfume perfumed candle. That's for you, my friend. I like that. I know you love leopard print. And it's got a leopard print top there. You know who loves puma print? Weirdly, Tyler Perry. Really?

Off topic. Wait. He's great. Okay, here we go. We got something here. Oh, this looks like it might be some kind of treat. Oh, glazed pecans. The sweet taste of Texas.

That's staying over here. I used to work in the candy department at uh bloomingdales uh-huh in high school wait there's a candy department at bloomingdales yeah it was next to the towel department okay it was not the most successful of all the departments were the girls at the towel department cute i would imagine that there was a hot girl in the towel department yeah the 70 year old women who worked in the candy department were not as attractive. And we sold like Godiva chocolates and that would get white on them.

You know, as chocolates get older, they develop white. But our big seller was the Meshuggah Nut. And that was a cinnamon-coated pecan. Oh, that sounds tasty. It was. And fun. Super fun. Certainly for the chosen people, it's a. It was. And fun. Super fun.

Certainly for the chosen people, it's a lot of fun. You know, it was a great way for me to pick up 80-year-old Jewish women. It's a way to celebrate your heritage. Yeah. And enjoy a candied nut. Yeah. Which, by the way, is the name of the Jewish-themed gay club. It's called Meshuggah Nuts.

We got some praline cookies in here. I thought it was a Jewish improv group. It is. Some kind of nice praline pecan treat. thought it was a Jewish improv group It's both It's a gay club that has an improv portion Jiminy, there's way too much stuff in here It's very kind Now you guys eat food that people send you

Sure, why not Eat that shit What's the worst thing that could happen? Poison What's the worst thing that could happen, Nick? They could poison you Seriously, Nick, what's the worst thing that could happen? They could poison you dead nick what's the worst thing that could happen they could poison you dead nick i'm giving you these longhorns pecans and caramel and rich is is a pecan a texas nut well i mean like pecan pie i'm

opening these now do it jordan didn't you uh didn't you get a really awesome uh didn't you really love a listener sending some bacon hot sauce god? A listener sent in some bacon hot sauce. God damn. Okay, whoever sent in that bacon hot sauce. It was the people from Bacon Hot Sauce. Oh, wow. Well, you know. We initially didn't talk about it because we don't like people trying to trick us into plugging their products. Well, hey, I have strong brand loyalty to it now.

Wait, no. So what does that mean? I mean, is it hot sauce for bacon or is it hot sauce that has been made from bacon? It's flavored like bacon. I don't know if there's—I'm going to have one of these Longhorns. There are only two in this package. No, it has kind of a bacon flavor to it. And, yeah, basically everything I've been eating for the last month that I've made made myself has has been drenched in that it's

delicious so way to go guys um speaking of hot sauce here's a nice special edition hot sauce for you jordan okay and uh she was kind enough to send us one two three university of texas uh t-shirts i actually worked at high school when i was in high school i worked at macy's um and my boss i worked at nordstrom by the way we have a little department store uh club here yeah uh my boss samuel uh was uh i guesstimate his age at 32 i was 18 uh hit on me constantly just unceasingly uh and then the other thing he did when he wasn't hitting on me

was say, hook them horns, which is the official saying of the University of Texas Longhorns. It's also a great gay club. Yeah, it is. Anyway. So when you look at these University of Texas shirts that she sent,

you think gay advance, unwanted, pedophilic gay advance. I sincerely still associate the University of Texas Longhorns with an unwanted gay advance by a superior. By my boss. He never...

It was creepy that he kept hitting on me. Were you on the verge of 18? I was 18. I think it was the verge of 18 or were you like 15? I was 18. I think it was the summer after my senior year of high school. I apologize for saying it was pedophilic earlier.

And I apologize for making up that word. Yeah, it was not a pedophile situation. It was legal, but barely legal. Right. I was out as a straight guy. You were out at that point i had a good my wife now was my girlfriend then really and um i you were telling before you were 18 you're

telling everybody this is my beard i think he just figured there's no way i could not be gay because of your just general gayness your affinity for pend for Pendletons and turtleneck sweaters? Yeah, just a general... Yeah, well, the turtlenecks more than the Pendletons, to be frank. Nick just poured some... The man who just put us down for eating food that was sent to us just poured some hot sauce in his hand and lapped it up like a kitty cat. I didn't... It was cat. It was sealed.

I'm all about seal. He's great. He is wonderful. Remember those hit songs he had 15 years ago? He's still famous now anyway. The world famous model that he continues to put his children in. Like an oven. Well thank you to

everyone who sent us these wonderful things there's no need to send us any more texas related gifts i i feel like uh they're awesome though i feel like shannon was exceedingly kind to to she really took one for the whole state of texas even though she's a houstonian and not a dallas resident um but thank you very much shannon oh hold on. There's something from Texas Magazine. Breaking news about super doctors. Yeah, Robert N. Schnitzler.

What a name. The not real doctor. The not real doctor who's got a heart. He's a heart doctor. But his name is Schnitzler, and that's really what I wanted to cover. Thank you. Of course, the only Jew in Texas is a doctor, and his name is Schnitzler, and that's really what I wanted to cover. Thank you. Of course, the only Jew in Texas is a doctor, and his name is Schnitzler.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nick Kroll, human psychopath. Great. Look, we have a sponsor

on this week's program. Here's the situation. It's a podcast. Apparently, the hosts of this podcast are fans of our podcast. Thank you very much. This is sort of

what we do on Jordan, Jesse, go for your edification sort of like a jumbotron you can send us a little bit of money and we'll share your message with the world

this program is called Fun Employment Radio Fun Employment Radio I know that, I've been on that podcast you have been a guest on that podcast I see you now on the list of guests I've been on that podcast it You have been a guest on that podcast. I've been a guest on that podcast. I see you now on the list of guests. I've been on that podcast. It looks like a number of our favorite folks,

people like Todd Glass and Nick Thune, who was last week's guest, Greg Barrett, who's been a guest on this podcast, Matt Bronger, he's been a guest on this podcast, right? I do not think so. Oh, well, Matt Bronger's hilarious. Sure, he is. A lot of very funny people have been...

Meatloaf, of course. Wow, that's a get. Lots of very funny people have been on this podcast. This is the specific reason that this podcast is sponsoring our show. And it's something that I need to just sort of break open a little bit so that we can get to the juicy stuff inside. There's a podcast award program called the Podcast Awards. Great name.

And this podcast is sponsoring our podcast to get people to go to podcastawards.com and vote for their podcast as best comedy podcast. Now, here's my concern. I took a look at the nominees and none of the nominees are Jordan, Jesse, Go. Hmm.

Are they? They're nominated and we're not. So I think this is sort of part sponsorship, part insult. Yeah, part gloat. Yeah. They're sort of part sponsorship, part insult. Yeah, part gloat. Yeah.

They're sort of pissing on our face, aren't they? Well, by also having me on the show. Right. Which one was more fun, truthfully? I mean, to be honest, they were. Right. But did they have snacks? Uh-huh.

Shit. Fuck, that was my trump card. Yeah, their snacks were from Austin. Now, I will say that The Sound of Young America is nominated for one of these podcast awards. Oh, there you go. So I say you can certainly go there and vote for The Sound of Young America. And I noticed that in the past, This American Life has been nominated in the same category as The Sound of Young America. There's no way we're going to beat This American Life.

That show's got three million listeners. Yeah. But these other things, I never heard of any of them. I think we can take them down. Take them down. It's one of these things, you know, you vote like once a day or something. So I've never asked people to vote for it in the past.

Right. Because you know some hacker has figured out some algorithm. If you're going to take the opportunity to go to their website, to go to the podcastawards.com so that you cannot vote for Fun Employment Radio, our sponsor, who are trying to stick our dick in it, which is an expression I just created,

it is the ceiling fan. Oh, okay. Box fan? Right. Wait, so they're trying to get you to stick your dick into a ceiling fan? They you to stick your dick into a ceiling fan? They want to stick my dick into a ceiling fan. I was confused.

I always thought that was when someone was doing you a favor because the it was a beautiful woman's vagina. No, no, no. It's like a trust fall thing. Five people get underneath you. They can lift you on your back. And if you have a hard-on, and that's the thing, somebody's got to be stimulating you so that you've got five people lifting you. Or the only way you can get a hard-on, and that's the thing. Somebody's got to be stimulating you so that you've got five people listed.

Or the only way you can get a hard-on is being lifted by five people. Yeah. You're one of those types. Which leads to a pretty sad life. Sure. Unless you've got a good budget for hard-ons. You've got a hard-on budget. Unless you somehow ended up at the top of a cheerleader pyramid.

Jerk. But anyway, I guess what I'm saying is these people paid us and uh they can go fuck themselves i will say yeah but i also will say right it is an admission of your great reach and whether you win awards or not you are which we do you do i'm sure you do that you are also we're an itunes classic selection that's good. How does that feel? It feels great. You're a tastemaker. They clearly come into you as a tastemaker.

Right. They come to us as a tastemaker. We're like Questlove from the roots. Exactly. We're like, what's another good tastemaker? That's all I got. This is a Nick Harcourt from KCRW. Yeah, Nick Harcourt.

What happened to Nick Harcourt? He quit and got pissy because he didn't get paid enough. He asked for a raise and didn't get it, so he quit. At KCRW. At KCRW. He still hosts the weekend show that he did on KCRW, which is syndicated by Public Radio International. Jason Bentley.

Jason Bentley with his beautiful voice and his inane questions. You're not worried that Jason's a listener? I don't think Jason Bentley's a listener. I'm sure Jason Bentley's a great guy. I miss Harcourt. He's probably become a better interviewer. I'm judging him on... No, he hasn't.

No. I was judging him based on his first week of... But you know who's a great interviewer? Who's that? Fun Employment Radio. Ha! Yeah. Fun Employment Radio.

You did have a good time on this Fun Employment Radio. I did. They were really fun. You did have a good time on this Fun Employment Radio. I did. They were really fun. We watched some YouTube videos. We shared some different YouTube videos with each other. On the radio? Yeah, because they're based in Portland. So, of course.

They love YouTube. They love YouTube up there. No, but it was... I had been doing a bunch of local radio because the Helium Comedy Club opened up up there. And so, all the comics that they mentioned are all the comics who've radio because the Helium Comedy Club opened up up there. And so all the comics that they mentioned are all the comics who've come through the Helium. So you go and you do the easy listening station with Mark

and Margarine. And they're like, Sonek, you were the Geico caveman. Talk to us about that. And you'd be like, uh, you read my Wikipedia page. You know nothing about me. And then went on there and it was like talking to human beings. Right.

I bet they are human beings. I mean, they're sick human beings coming on our show trying to plug their awards that we didn't get nominated for. And paying you for it. And paying us for it, which makes it even worse because they know we can't say no to the money. They know our weakness is money. We love it.

We're money grubbers. You know what? We're just going to take the money, and then we're going to start lending it out and charging interest. There you go. Wow. That's how we do this. You take their money,

then you lend it to the other comedy podcast nominees. That's a good idea. Spread it out. Spread it out. It's a human centipede situation. Our friend Scott Aukerman and his podcast are nominated for the award. How about this? We're going to take your money and tell people to vote for Scott Aukerman.

Comedy Death Ray? Yeah. You know what? I don't want that to win either. I think everyone loses. I think the biggest loss is being nominated for Best Comedy Podcast. I've been on all of them. Right.

I mean, you're the common ingredient. So I'm the winner here, I think, right? Do you think the problem was that we hadn't had you on yet when they announced the nominations? I have to. I mean, I'm going to talk to the higher-ups at the Podcast Awards tomorrow. Sure. Just to figure out... You're looking at Rob Walsh from Podcast 411.

Of course. Kevin Smith. Yeah, Kevin Smith from the 411. Of course. Kevin Smith. Yeah, Kevin Smith from the Smog Castle. And Grammar Girl. Okay, I need to address one thing about Kevin Smith. I'm glad that you mentioned this. In all sincerity, check out their show, Fun Employment Radio. It is a really fun show, Fun Employment Radio.

I want to address the issue of Kevin Smith for a moment. Sure. We spoke briefly about Kevin Smith's podcasting theater, the Smog Castle, on a recent program. Since then, I read an article in Fast Company Magazine about The Smod Castle. Look, a guy I know wrote an article about Boing Boing for Fast Company Magazine. We know and love the Boing Boing people. I read that article, and then there was a thing, learn more about Kevin Smith's crazy Smodcastle.

So I had to click on it. Kevin Smith in part is financing the Smodcastle through the vast wealth he's earned through his critically acclaimed films. In part, Kevin Smith is financing the Smodcastle through ticket sales of live podcast recordings at the venue. Both of these make sense to me.

He is also charging $5,000 to administer weddings at the Smod Castle. Yes. $5,000. Meanwhile, you guys are giving away free

wedding proposals. Look, I'm flying to Seattle tomorrow to officiate, oh, next week, next weekend, to officiate a listener's wedding. Wait, are you going to be there the same weekend I'm doing my meetup? No, I think you're there the weekend after. Oh, okay.

But I'm flying to Seattle to officiate a listener's wedding, and I'm not getting $5,000. Did you ask for $5,000? Maybe this goes back to Nick's hotel story. What kind of sicko asks for $5,000? Okay, here's the duel number one. Kevin Smith seems like a very decent fellow and a very funny man.

Candle smells like a diaper. Go ahead. But here's my issue with this $5,000 number. I see it as having two problems, okay? One of the problems of this $5,000 number is it's kind of gross to ask for $5,000 to officiate someone's wedding. It's a little gross to do that.

That's the one side of it. You got to ask for like 10. And the one side of it is $5,000 to officiate someone's wedding is kind of gross to do that. That's the one side of it. You gotta ask for like 10. And the one side of it is $5,000 to officiate someone's wedding is kind of gross. Not enough. The other side of it is if you're Kevin Smith,

shouldn't you be making more than $5,000 to make a personal appearance? Well, but is he saying that I will officiate your wedding or you can get married at the Smod Castle? No, he officiates the wedding that he interviewed according to fast company magazine the hit magazine he climbing up the magazine charts it's the kevin smith movie of magazines he he'll interview the couple on live on the show for posterity, not on the Smodcast,

which is his signature show, I think, but for posterity so they can distribute it to their family and friends. And then he does the wedding. And their friends can come to the Smodcastle and sit in the audience. So the Smodcastle is a venue. It's like a 50-seat theater, I think.

Maybe it's a 100-seat theater. So you got to keep the numbers small for the wedding. Right. You can't invite no extended family. Just primary family, close friends from college. Just the biggest family. Fraternity, core fraternity brothers. For that?

Maybe not Kevin Smith fans. Maybe it's like your stormtrooper brigade could show up. I don't know. Either way, it leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is if you want me to have your wedding here at my house, I will officiate it $5,000. There you go. There you go.

$5,000. We'll be back in just a second. Oh, hey, listen. If you want to sponsor an upcoming episode of Jordan and Jesse, go email Teresa at MaximumFun.org a hundred dollars for a personal message 150 dollars for a commercial message it's just that easy uh and of course you can email her about underwriting on the sound of young america or any of other or other sort of uh business development type operations uh we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I am Nick Kroll, Jesse Thorne. That's an all-time great. Hey, listen, when something momentous happens to our callers, we ask that they call in at 206-9844-FUN and let us know about it. We've got some doozies this week. Let's go to the phones.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Lance from Birmingham. I've got a momentous occasion, or it could be a moment of shame. So I've been ordering stuff off of Amazon since Christmas is coming up and there's a couple packages near my front door I was already told what one of the items was which is a iPod accessories kit with headphones and hard case and protective cover for the screen and all that. So I knew what it was so I was going to open it. I assumed that was what was by my front door. And I opened the package and inside was a big floppy pink dildo. I was shocked, and I asked my wife if she ordered it,

and she looked just about as shocked as I was, and we looked at the name on the address, and it was, I'm not going to give the last name, but someone named Kurt. So we received Kurt's dildo, and we were wondering how we should return it. someone named Kurt. So we received Kurt's dildo, and we were wondering how we should return it. Should we put it as return to sender,

or should we wrap it in wrapping paper so it's dick-shaped, wrapped in wrapping paper, and leave it on its front door? Should I pluck a pubic hair and put it on the dildo and put a small piece of whoa whoa whoa not a pubic hair that's one step too far i was with you when you were talking about getting a dildo in the mail sure but i lost track of this whole thing when he said pluck a pubic hair can i just say look Kurt Rambis. NBA Hall of Famer Kurt Rambis. Look at this spice up his lovemaking.

The spectacled NBA all-star wanted to have a little fun for the holidays. A little pink fun. A little pink fun. You know what I mean? It sounds like big pink fun. Yeah. Yeah. He's a big man.

Big. He is a big man. It's a big anus. Yeah. He's a big man with a big an big man. It's a big anus. Yeah. He's a big man with a big anus. He's actually a power forward. This holiday season, Kurt Rambis is a big man with a big anus. Pink floppy dildo.

Starring Kurt Rambis and Jack Black. I would watch that movie. Yeah, I think Oh boy Can you just reseal it It's like for his neighbor or something I think you gotta send that It depends on if it came with frustration free packaging

I think you gotta send that back to Amazon And say this was return to sender Maybe you'll get your hotel room comped Yeah you let You don't let him know That you got his pink dildo. Okay. You don't just say, do you,

what have you brought cookies as well? Only if they were shaped like balls. Just what have you just close it up with like electrical tape and then brought cookies and said, your package was accidentally delivered to my house and I made you some cookies. I made you some cookies. I made you some cookies, and then you stare way too long into his eyes. Hey, Jordan, Jessica.

This is Jeff in North Carolina. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. Yesterday, I was carpooling with some coworkers to our Christmas party, and we were on the interstate and saw an old bearded man in the car next to us, which was a Volkswagen Beetle, driving and playing a recorder at the same time. He was steering with his elbows and the recorder was sticking through the steering wheel and he was playing the recorder while driving. That's magical. Sure. That's great.

And dangerous, but sure, mostly magical. Well, I mean, he's probably driving. You've got to figure this is a classic Beetle, not a new Beetle, right? Yeah. This is not a flower pot in the Beetle Beetle. Yeah, no. This is a traditional Beetle. This is Herbie painted deep green.

Or possibly with a recorder painted on the side i mean that's amazing what's amazing about it is candy why not play a real musical instrument well because of flute you got it coming out the side right that's going to be a problem for aerodynamics keep the window open for especially a lot of times those old beetles don't have roll up roll down windows they've only got sort of tilt-in-and-out windows. Or you go saxophone. Right. That's going to be difficult.

You've got to keep the reed wet. Yeah, exactly. Or you're, I mean, we're talking wind instruments basically, right? Right. That's the option. An oboe is going to be way too big. Much too large. You're going to have an oboe riding the clutch the whole time.

That's a problem. How about a penny whistle? A penny whistle could work. You know what my only concern would be? What if somebody starts doing a jig? Get yourself an issue. If there's a penny whistle, that's likely to happen. Was the gentleman playing the instrument Doug Flutie?

Hello, Jordan, Jesse, possible guests. This is Sean from Muncie, Indiana, calling with a momentous occasion. I just saw Jim Davis, the creator of Garfield, buying a Twilight movie on DVD. So that's what he's doing now. How? How do you know what Jim Davis looks like? Yeah, also. But doesn't, I mean, hasn't Jim Davis since kind of outsourced the creation of Garfield

to like his son or something? I don't know, but did you guys see the Veterans Day fiasco that he had? Wait, was there a Veterans Day themed Garfield? There was a Garfield that was like, enough with remembering these people, or whatever Garfield would say about something. It just happened to have fallen on Veterans Day. And Jim Davis is like, like i write these they get portioned out over a year oh garfield was garfield saying something about like john did something

ridiculous and garfield says something about i'm glad it's national idiots day yeah and then but it just happened to run on veterans day i just i assume that the only way you know it's jim davis if he's just like covered in lasagna. Just like everything he touches, he's behind the toilet. He's just like, why is there marinara sauce all over all the Twilight cheese? Jim Davis was in here earlier. Right what you know.

He just believes strongly in orange cats and lasagna. Jim Davis eats it. He just sits in front of the pan and then throws it at his mouth. Yeah, of course. Just some dumb dog behind him. Yeah. Hey, guys.

This is Shannon from Omaha calling in with an occasion. If you can't tell, I am terribly sick. I have had a cold for going on three weeks. I have had a cold for going on three weeks. I am achy and drippy and tired. But tonight I bought tickets for MaxFunCon 2011 for me and my husband, Greg. So things are looking up. See you guys in June.

Bravo. She made the right call, Jordan. Sure. 90% full now. MaxFunCon, 90% full. Less than two dozen beds remaining. MaxFunCon.com if people want to register. And this is where you guys reenact where everybody wears nikes and kills each other he kills himself yeah yeah sure yeah that's the whole thing we don't kill ourselves the people there kill themselves but

we have to have it the next year well it depends on which year it is the heaven's gate cult we do we do we alternate years so like one year it'll be a uh you know like uh jim jones kind of thing one year it's heaven's gate one year year it's Om Shinrikyo. Great, great. Do you guys ever just have a Waco Fun? That's where we put ricin on a subway. Yeah, that's, no, next year is going to be Waco. Waco Fun Con.

There's going to be an underage girl marrying. Yeah. And a firebombing. Yeah. By Janet Reno herself. Yeah. Janet Reno will come in and throw out the first firebomb. As played by Will Ferrell?

Yes. Great. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Jordan Thorne. Jordan, it's been a pleasure to have you. Mr. Thorne,

it's been a pleasure to have you on the program. You know what? Just call me Nick Kroll. Nick, people can watch you on The League, on FX, along with our friend Paul Scheer, the almost disconcertingly handsome

Mark Duplass. Interesting. Wouldn't you say? You don't think Mark Duplass. Interesting. Wouldn't you say? You don't think Mark Duplass is a very handsome man? I find him to be a very approachably handsome man. That's what I'm talking about. He's got that kind of Tom Hanks brother-in-law handsomeness. Yeah, because John LeJoy also on the show is, I think, an unquestionably handsome man. Sure.

And Ranazizi's just a fucking guinea. This is a show. This is a show of handsome. This is a handsome show. No, I don't think that's... I appreciate it. It's very kind of you to say. But we're not on that show for our good looks.

Mark Duplass has a beautiful wife on the show as well. Katie Azleton. Another gifted actress. Yes. Director, I presume. I have not seen the film she directed. It's great. The freebie.

Go see the freebie. Okay. It's great. But Thursday night, a double shot. If you're listening to this shortly after we broadcast it the season finale

of the league or you can watch it on your internet devices but it'll take you a month to get to Hulu bringing it back iTunes you can buy

it the next day but it's the final two episodes 12 and 13 of the season and I think those following the show will enjoy

seeing what happens with the league. What can I say? It's an enjoyable program. You bring in some funny people, you let them be funny. Thank you. That's what that show's all about. You get a Nick Kroll in there. Hey, we need a guest star. Bring in Hubel. You know what I'm talking about? This is the kind of stuff. Chad Ochocinco. Get him

involved. The great comedy mind of Chad Ochocinco. You know, and this is coming from a real Hollywood insider. Yeah, absolutely. And yeah, I think that's all we need to talk about. Will Alan Alda and Kelsey Grammer be appearing on the show?

I wish. I would love for either of them to be on the show. They're both really funny and great. They are both insanely talented comic actors. Yeah, really skilled, talented. I love Alan Alda. I would let Alan Alda talk to me about science forever. I do.

I watch his fucking show sometimes. And it's not the greatest show, but fuck, Alan Alda's really great. It's not a bad show. It's okay. It's a solid PBS program, but it's no Antiques Roadshow. It's like if Nova fucked MASH.

I have an important request out there for anybody in the audience, speaking of PBS shows. I heard that the lady who hosted the TRL replacement talk show on MTV. Alexa Chung. Alexa Chung. Been on the show. Is going to be, she's been on The League? No, I was on her show. Oh.

Alexa Chung on MTV. Alexa Chung is going to be hosting a PBS show about thrift store shopping. And I want to make it clear, if anyone out there has any show business connections that can get me on the PBS show about thrift store shopping, I'll bring Dr. Phil's shoes. I'll blow up my spots here in Los Angeles or in San Francisco. I'll do anything. There's never been a Hollywood project more perfectly suited to my talents

than a PBS show. I'm going to repeat again. A public television show about thrift store shopping. There's a real excitement in your voice. I tried to find, I found the producer on Facebook and made her my Facebook friend.

And now you slowly will infiltrate her mind. I need to try, I gotta do something. I gotta do something to get on this thing. I'll see what I can do. Why would they even have this without me being involved? Why even have it?

Well, you and Alexa are shopping for the same stuff. We are. Yeah, that's true. shopping for the same stuff. We are. That's true. You see her in auditions a lot. Sure. Vintage. You're a Chung type. We're both into vintage.

Sure. 206-9844-FUN. The number to call if you've got a question for us. You want to play... You want to do like... What's that called? Oh, yeah. Moment of shame.

Sure. Talking about a momentous occasion. Sure. 206-9844-FUN. You can email us at jjgoe at maximumfun. Sure. Talking about a momentous occasion. Sure. 2-0-6-9-8-4-4-fun. You can email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. You want to sponsor the show, Teresa at maximumfun.org. You can catch me and Jordan. We were just taping the IFC Spirit Awards nomination special.

I didn't even get to talk about Eva Mendez touching me. Eva Mendez, excuse me uh she didn't touch anything special but she touched my leg which was pretty good that's great um jordan jordan jacket to that for months jordan and i are gonna be on that program i didn't even get to talk about jeez i didn't even get to talk about uh bad lieutenant port of call new orleans oh this is some stuff we're gonna save for a future episode. Nick, you have some opinions about Bad Lieutenant called New Orleans.

By the way, before you watch that movie, go listen to... Werner Herzog on The Treatment? Yes. Yes, because that's the greatest...

Before you... Trust me, the movie will be infinitely better if you listen to that before. It's the single greatest interview in radio history. He says instead of going to... I had to add some

Herzogian elements. I'm like, what is that? The iguanas. He shot the iguanas from their point of view. It's amazing. And he tells kids, instead of going to film school, you should work at a strip club. Yeah, he does.

Sorry for all the business. Oh, your meetup! My meetup is scheduled December 17th Seattle Shorty's 8pm that's it it's gonna be great if you forget

that information you didn't write it down we put up an event page on maximumfun.org so just look at the events in the right hand corner the right hand side I'm looking forward

to your meetup it's gonna be really great not quite as great as my meetups that's gonna destroy Jordan and I have a little sort of meetup rivalry going I can tell destroy. Jordan and I have a little sort of meetup rivalry going.

Oh, I can tell. Yeah. And Jordan, I've had a lot of really successful meetups. And Jordan has yet to host a successful meetup. He's sort of a, I don't want to say failure, but I'm not sure if there's another good. I'm picking up on the social cue here. Noun here. I mean, I guess.

Poppycock? Yeah, a real fiddle faddle. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.