Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 157: Love and Marriage with Jackie Kashian

Episode Date: December 15, 2010

Jackie Kashian of Dork Forest Radio joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about satsuma season, marriage and Gears of War 3.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, ed in our history with guest Jackie Cation.

Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, wedding celebrity. Man, is this the first instance of uh of a different nickname yeah i think it is in the in the 10 plus years we've been using these stupid nicknames man you're just doing this is this is kind of just a new coke strategy yeah you're gonna you're gonna bring in this new nickname that is apparently going to... Wedding celebrity. Yeah, that is going to connect you to a new generation of listeners. Right.

And then the old faithful are going to complain. And they're going to rebel. And then you're going to go back with much fanfare. The thing is, is a lot of people liked Coke. And the reality of the situation is nobody likes Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Yeah. You know, it's just familiar. That's all it has going for it. Sure. reality of the situation is nobody likes jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart yeah you know you know it's just just familiar that's all it has going for it sure um we have a lovely guest

on the program uh this week i you know her from the world of stand-up comedy uh from the world of podcasting and internet radio where she is the host of uh the dork forest uh program um she's doing some crazy moves behind her pop filter. That's it. I got a pop filter. You guys, this is a classy organization. Jackie Cation. It's a pleasure to have you here, Jackie.

Thanks for having me in your studio. You know, I mean, look, you can do all the crazy moves you want. I would say that maybe they're kind of whack-a-mole-esque. If I was to characterize your moves, it would be from, it would be, they would be like that old arcade game where the moles pop up and you have to whack them with a hammer.

No one should whack me. There's no whack. No, no. I know that arcade game. What's that called again? Whack-a-mole. Whack-a-mole. What's whack-a-mole?

Oh, it's, uh, that's a, it's a, oh, it's Defender. Oh, gotcha. You know what Defender is? Yeah, that's Galaga, right? It's also Whack-A-Mole.

It's also Joust. Yeah. Gotcha. Well, we're just having some fun on a beautiful evening here in Southern California. Hey, guess what? I flew to Seattle, Washington. Sure. Maybe you've heard of it.

I have heard of it. It's in the Pacific Northwest. Sure. Birthplace of grunge, I know. It's like a tidy Portland. It's a lovely place. Seattle really is a lovely place. Very much so.

One thing that's funny about Seattle is you see a lot of people walking around that look like they live in Seattle. But then you remember that your conception of what a person that lives in Seattle looks like is based in 1994. of what a person that lives in Seattle looks like is based in 1994, and then you remember that it's not 1994 now, but that person does look like your conception from 1994 of what a Seattleite might look like. The Land's End catalog, it never goes out of style right up there.

That's all. It's all working out for them. There's just a lot of kind of just general alternativeness. Okay. Not indiness. No, okay. Let's be clear. You'll of just general alternativeness. Okay. Not indiness. No. Let's be clear.

You'll find your indiness in Portland. Sure. Okay. And I'm sure there is some indiness in Seattle. I'm not suggesting there's none. No, no, but you'd have to look for it. I'm saying that there's alternative in Seattle still, whereas it, for the most part, died off in 2002 in most of the rest of the country. How would you characterize the beards?

You know, I was surprised at how few beards I saw. Really? So you would maybe characterize them as sparse? Yeah, infrequent. I mean, and I certainly didn't see a lot of your Portland beards. The beards that I saw were a relatively neat beard. Hmm. A tiny beard.

A tiny beard, not a mountain man beard, as you might see on someone in Portland or Brooklyn or our friend Graham Clark from Stop Podcasting Yourself. Okay. Not a bushy, majestic beard. Not a beard that you could use, as Graham Clark has this past week, to paint paintings. Do you think that we're going towards... I feel like the bearded youth movement here in Los Angeles is...

The BYM. Right. Yes. Is just... Maybe it's just spreading. Did you see, by the way, the ribbon I have tied around my upper arm that says BYM. Right. Yes. Maybe it's just spreading. Did you see, by the way, the ribbon I have tied around my upper arm that says BYM? It's the kind of support that you show people. And I think that's lovely.

Hey, I'm out on the streets. We will be heard. You will be heard. But I think that maybe the untidy beard will be coming back. Because it might have started in these smaller places. But I think that LA is really committed to the bearded youth movement. L.A. – well, here's the thing. I mean I think L.A. is a relatively unbeardy place if you compare it to your other hip places in America.

I think if you compare Los Angeles right now, even Silver Lake, if you compare that to a Brooklyn, if you compare that to San Francisco's Mission District. Yeah, and Austin, Texas. You're Madison, Wisconsin's. You're looking at less beards in Los Angeles because the Los Angeles aesthetic is more tied in with – continues to be tied in with expensive T-shirts. There is a commitment to expensive. There's, oh, I saw, the skinny jeans still coming. Still happening. The skinny jeans.

The skinny jeans is, and I can't bear it. It's brutal. It's brutal. I don't, here's the thing. Look, I, the other day I saw television host Tim Gunn. Right. On the Conan O'Brien program. He was charming and pleasant, as always.

As always. I guess. I've never seen his television program, but I've seen him on television. He seems like a nice man. And he made a point that echoed so strongly with me in my own sentiments that I just wanted to go through the television and give him a hug. Which is this. me and my own sentiments that I just wanted to go through the television and give them a hug, which is this. If you're 16 and you're like some rock and roll guy or whatever, or a rock and roll lady,

wear those skinny jeans. You're some weird skinny kid. You know what I mean? Like your body, you got that weird skinny body. You got to have the weirdest of all skinny bodies. But the reality is that plenty of people under the age of, let's say, 20 have that body. I mean, frankly, I was very skinny when I was 16, 17 years old, to the point where people were worried about me sometimes.

Right, but would you have worn the skinny jeans, or would you have stepped away from the skinny jeans? No, I was not a rock and roll. I was never a rock and roll guy, so I never would have been one to wear skinny jeans. But I had peers who wore skinny jeans and they look fine i mean it still looks kind of bad but it it's not like uh i i don't find it to be an affront you see what i'm saying i think it's fine on a teen uh they have they can they can carry it off as well as it can be it will never be aesthetically attractive but but. So skinny jeans and

frowns. Okay on teens. Right. Well, the combination of the sort of general charm and sassitude of a teenager and potentially the body to carry it off, I think, overcomes the fact that it looks bad on everyone.

Right. It does not look good on anyone. But when you're an adult and you're not the front man of a band, it really, the charm is missing, and thus the fact that it looks horrible on you is like quintupled. And Tim Gunn also, he stated that as well? Yeah, and I'm right, Tim Gunn, that was Tim Gunn's rule. I was like, oh, great, Timmy. We're right here.

That resonates with me. I'm with you. Because here's the thing. Like, just wear normal. I mean, you can look cool. Yes. It just doesn't have to be gross. I don't want to see, because I too many men frankly, and this is more

an issue with men for me maybe because I find the female form more attractive than the male form. But the female form with rickets? It's a little too a lot. My concern is these gentlemen

that I see, you're 28 years old, you're 15 to 20 pounds overweight, and you're wearing skin-tight jeans. And it's just fucking gross. I don't want to see your dick, and I don't want to see the weird parts of you that are coming out in weird places on your legs. My father has the skinny... He's 72. He should also not wear a skinny jean. He could carry it off. He's a dapper, dapper guy.

But the last time... I think it was the last time I saw him, he was wearing a denim jean shirt that he had cut the sleeves off of. And he was wearing jean shorts. Was this for comfort or for ease of wood chopping? Why did he remove the sleeves? We should explain. Jackie's father is a woodsman. And I'm from Wisconsin,

so it is a chic, chic moment when you are in your 70s when you're going to take that denim work shirt and you're going to make it your own. And so it's 8.30 in the morning. He's wearing that and jean shorts that he made himself. Too high. Daisy Dukes. You can see the pockets. And the jean material that he made himself. Too high. Daisy Dukes. Right? You can see the pockets.

And the jean material matches on the two. And I was like, where have you been in this outfit? What is happening here? How's it going? So he looks maybe like a Cuban prostitute. Right. Right. That's what he said.

He was fishing. And I said, for men. Oh, sure. That was the punchline. But luckily, he will laugh at himself. So he said, now why would you say that? And I said, because you're dressed like a gay rave. That's the punchline. But luckily, he will laugh at himself. So he said, no, why would you say that? And I said, because you're dressed like a gay rave. That's a gay rave outfit, right? Sure.

I mean, we've all been to a gay rave, right? A gay rave after a rodeo. Well, it's a theme. A gay rodeo. They do have gay rodeos, right? I'm not mistaken in thinking that. Can I make a – no, this seems like a good time. I want to bring this up on the subject of expensive t-shirts and rodeos.

Yeah. Uh, I recently wore a lot of money on a t-shirt at a rodeo. Right. But it's worth it because I feel good now. Um, uh, I was in,

uh, I was in Las Vegas for work recently. And, uh, we, uh, we made a little something on the mma awards the mixed martial arts awards uh just i don't want to talk about this too in depth uh but i feel like i should mention uh that at the mma awards there were typical award show things going on like comedy pieces but the show opened with a parody version of

We Didn't Start the Fire, but the lyrics were all changed, so it was things that went on in the world of MMA that year. It's like... Why wouldn't you want to talk about that for the next two hours? Because I think the only reason, I don't remember enough specifics for it to be funny. It was just stuff like, Punch in the face, choked him out against the rope,

snuck him down. Can I ask you who hosts the MMA awards? Is it Joe Rogan or is it... No. The only other option I can think of might be like Dave Coulier. Yeah. Like it's one thing or the other. I just assumed it was going to be Rogan, but it was not.

It was a famous MMA guy, the one who was in The Expendables. I forget which one that is. But the one who had two lines but was on all the posters. Jason Statham. Good call. And a bosomy woman whose credentials were unclear. Her bosom. I think that was probably the credentials. She brought it to the table, my friend. Sure.

But while we were there, we also did something on the National Rodeo Finals, which were also there. And the funny thing we thought to do with the rodeo was we dressed up as rodeo clowns. We put on clown makeup and then like expensive t-shirts and just acted like assholes.

This was the funny interview bit that we did. Rodeo as opposed to rodeo. Yes, pronounced differently. Sort of like a rodeo drive in Beverly Hills. Yes, there you go. The famous shopping boulevard. Sure. Did you ever say that you grew up in Houston? You should have

said that because that would have been an east coast. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that a douchey part of New York? No, no, it's just it spelled like, you know how rodeo is spelled like rodeo? Oh, sure, it's just? No, no. It's just it's spelled like... You know how Rodeo is spelled like Rodeo? It's another place pronunciation situation. Yes, and it's a Western one. It's sort of a cowboy. Because it's Houston Street in New York.

But it's spelled like Houston. Why wouldn't you say Houston? But we bought, for the bit, jeweled t-shirts. Like we went to a... Bejeweled? Bejeweled t-shirts. Very nice. And we went to a jewel be jeweled t-shirts very nice um and we went to a store in las vegas that sold these things it was it was like the asshole store right uh and these

were it was it's called shirts with dragons yeah i mean these were like bright yellow and pink shirts you know with with the most mind-blowing eagles and indecipherable text and jewels everywhere. They're very expensive, too. These guys, the ones we bought were like $40, but I mean, there were $100 t-shirt options in this place. I like the commitment to comedy. You're willing to spend it. Well, we expense it.

Right. That's the best part of it. I was so committed to the to the rodeo clowns joke that i was willing to dip into my own uh bank book did your pants too or no no we were just wearing you went with your regular standard pants standard pants a standard pant into your bank book j Jordan. Yeah. She wanted to reach into my bank book. You paid with green stamps. Sure. Right. Exactly. The jewels on these shirts started to fall off basically immediately.

Basically, we put them on and we're- That's what the extra 60 bucks is for, Jordan. Maybe it's because we got the $40 shirts and not the $100 shirts, but- Better glue, better toddlers making them, all of it. Right, a higher quality of fake jewel. Yep. You pay the $100, you get the under seal. Yeah, but I'm wondering, is this...

There's ironing. These guys who wear a jeweled T-shirt, what must the maintenance of these shirts be like? Do you have a kit to where you reaffix the jewels if they fall off? How do you wash a jeweled T-shirt? Did it come with a little baggie with extra jewels no oh yeah yeah right that would have been nice no there were no spare jewels but doesn't just take it to your asshole taylor yeah right chad um but yeah it it wrote it it brought up all sorts of questions about jeweled shirt maintenance that I have been obsessing about ever since.

I think it's the problem is you got the cheap one. Yeah. I hope it's as simple as that. you know, a beefy guy who had a lot of neck, and I was actually buying, and I was actually putting down the $100, then that jeweled shirt would stay jeweled. Right. But... I wonder...

You know, I never see a beefy guy with a lot of neck hand-washing things. That's what I think has to happen with a bejeweled shirt. Yeah. You see the beefy guy with a lot of neck at the grocery store. He's just got one item. He's in the express lane.

It's Woolite Dark. Protect his dark colors. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. Just a capful is all you need, Jordan. But if there's any a-holes

or former a-holes in the listening audience who have had a jeweled shirt and want to call in and talk about jeweled shirt maintenance, I'd love to hear all about it. I'd love to hear about that, too.

Sure. Forward that call to me. 206-984-4FUN, the telephone number to call, jjcoe at maximumfun.org. We will have more with Jackie Cation. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. We'll be back in just a second. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, wedding celebrity. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Jackiecation, confused bystander. Yeah. She gets it right away. She knows she's supposed to make up a stupid nickname. I was like, improv, it's my life. Jordan, we need to talk. We need to remember to bring into focus from time to time the fact that we're aware that these are stupid nicknames.

We realize that? It seems self-evident to us because we've been using these stupid nicknames for 10 years. Yeah. But someone samples this program and then they write an iTunes review and it focuses on why does that fag think he's America's radio sweetheart? Stake one, reading reviews. Yeah, I know. Jiminy Christmas. Anyway, I'm just having some fun.

You know, it's the most wonderful time of the year. Did you guys know that? It isn't that. It is a beautiful time of the year. Satsuma season. Satsuma season. I went to the grocery store and purchased some satsumas. What are satsumas?

That's America's finest citrus fruit by far. Not even close. Nothing comes second. No. It's a distant second. No. What is it? A persimmon matched with a yogurt?

What is it? You're thinking of persimmon yogurt. Okay. That's exactly what I'm thinking of. Satsuma. You're thinking of persimmon yogurt okay that's exactly what i'm thinking yeah satsuma you're thinking of gogurt i'm thinking of uh sasuke who was on the uh the movie panyo so no wow i don't know this is some sounds to me yeah um i didn't care i don't know i know we're supposed to love all that guy's movies i know there's they're fucking magical and hand-drawn i i couldn't stand that

stupid thing ponyo yeah that's because it's made for three-year-olds yeah i know i know it was but it was kind of presented to me in that way that like oh well here's anyways you're right you know jordan here's the thing here's the thing a person that tells you that it's it that it's for grownups too when it's not for grownups is never to be trusted. Sure. And people who tell you that you're going to love something in that insistent way makes, I don't know about you, but no. I don't want to like The Wire now. Because you're so mad at it. You're going to have to.

Exactly. I'm going to have to and I'm going to have to watch all 300 episodes. I don't want to. Jordan, have you had any Satsumas this season? I have had quite a few Clementines. I've had a few Cuties, but I don't think I've had a Satsuma proper. Look, I love my wife and all.

I think, Jordan, you can verify that I love my wife. I just listed a few kinds of fruit that I liked. Did not call your nuptials into question. Look, do I or do I not love my wife? You do. My beautiful wife, she's just in the other room. I couldn't love her more. Sure.

This stupid woman. You sometimes randomly leave the room to fuck her. This stupid woman thought she brought home satsumas the other day, and it was a bunch of fucking clementines. Oh, boy. I almost divorced her. What you're saying is that it's an orange like citrus. My wife is

not stupid at all. My wife is very bright. She has a law degree. I was just joking when I said that she was stupid. You're going to want to backpedal. I'm backpedaling right now. She would understand. I just don't want anyone to think that I'm actually ever mean to my wife. I'm very, very nice to my wife. She deserves it.

But she did bring home some clementines thinking that they were Satsumas. And Jackie, just to bring you up to speed here on the Satsuma, let's talk a little bit about some of its best characteristics. Can we talk about my favorite squash after this?

You're looking at a small tangerine. Okay. You're looking at literally the most easy to peel citrus fruit out there. Okay. There is no easier to peel. Is that part of the draw? Oh, undoubtedly. All right.

Nobody likes peeling citrus fruits. True. I kind of like peeling a satsuma. It peels because of the ease. Not only can you peel the whole peel all at once, but it's almost like it's already separated from the orange, from the meat inside for you. Right. It's a kind of hover peel.

It's almost like you're just opening the peel up. Right. That's how convenient this peel is. Jackie, this is the convenient peel. It's almost like you're just opening the peel up. That's how convenient this peel is. Jackie, this is the convenient peel. This is the convenient citrus fruit that you're talking about. What about the taste? What are we talking about? Hold on.

Hold on before we get to taste. I've gotten ahead of the game. Jordan, Jackie, when you're eating a citrus fruit... By all means, let's lengthen this part of the show well let's stretch this out it sounds fascinating jordan i'm gonna have you on my we look we talked about this once three years ago i still get emails from people that i change their lives sure they're delicious okay so what do you hate most about once you got that fruit in your mouth

a lot of the fruit tastes good right what part doesn't taste good are are you panicking about the membrane is that what's happening i'm not talking about membranes here okay i'm talking about seeds seeds nobody wants seeds it breaks the flow of the citrus eating wow you would have hated the garden of eden what is happening here okay so the seed is really driving you do not care for the seed so right what i'm looking for is a citrus no seeds and certainly look a clementine probably doesn't have any seeds right i think that whatever my wife brought home didn't have any seeds a lot of things can happen no seeds look it's little it's a convenient size a clementine it is but then we get to the flavor

is the satsuma about the size of a clementine just you the Satsuma about the size of a Clementine? You're looking at it about the size of a Clementine or a Cutie. It could be confused for a Cutie. Okay. Yeah. Lighter color. That's the main thing you'll see. And I feel like they look a little dirtier when they're in the store.

A Satsuma? Yeah. A Satsuma has, I would say, a more vivid color. Okay. A more vivid color, but definitely you're right. It does look more dirty. Sure. It's not a shiny citrus.

I think that's, yeah, part of the charm is that maybe the cutie looks almost manufactured. It looks like maybe they're all kind of equal. So the satsumas have a little more character. They're a little dumpy. They're a little dumpy looking. Okay. They'll leave a leaf on. Yeah, and often the leaves are ony okay they'll leave a leaf on yeah and often

the leaves are on often the leaves are on there because they're hard to take off without opening up the peel because the peel is so easy to open the flavor of this thing jackie the flavor of this fruit this is the this is it's like an explosion of flavor inside your mouth. Here's the thing. An orange flavor? It's like, have you ever had like a really good tangerine juice? Not an orange juice, but a tangerine juice. I think so. It's a little sweeter, a little bit fuller flavor, a little bit tangier, both than your usual orange juice.

I've got to go get some Satsumas. Yes. That's what the flesh of the Satsuma tastes like. It's a flavor explosion, and this is a brief season. You've got to get in and get out. I got some Satsumas today. I'm lucky. I'm lucky that I got Satsumas today, because usually you're looking at the last week or

two of October through the first week or so of December. The farmers have to pick them all before those hot tub snow monkeys steal them all. You know those hot tub snow monkeys? The Japanese ones? Yeah. Yeah, sure. The ones that are always begging for food. They love to snatch those right out of the trees.

They like to relax in the hot tubs out there in Japan. They do. Of course, those park deer, the ones that are walking around, those little tiny deers that are walking around in Japan, they love those Satsumas too. Oh, boy. There's a lot of competition. You guys know a lot about what's happening right there, just loose, loose animals in Japan.

I did not know. This is a fruit that only— This is based on several Japanese dreams I've had. This is not based on—this is not fact. I have not watched a documentary. I will just occasionally have a Japanese dream. These are only grown, as I understand it, in California and Louisiana. I'm talking about Jordan's Japanese dreams.

Okay. No, California and Louisiana. I mail order them. And from what I understand, this year there were big problems with the Louisiana crop. Why do you think that is? These fruits are not known for their hardiness. Right, and there was some trouble. And there was trouble down there.

They have that crooked New Orleans mayor. You're talking about Hurricane Katrina. Or the oil thing. The issue is that they usually grow them in the Superdome. And so when they move the people in there. So it doesn't matter. It's a climate-controlled environment. And the trees were all crushed

while the sexual assaults were taking place. Yeah, absolutely. And then it snowed and the roof fell in. Yeah. What? Okay. So anyway, I'm just really excited because I thought that I genuinely believed

this is probably the most important thing to me, produce-wise. In the last month and a half. In a given year. No, in a given year. There's no other. Oh, there's not another? No, look. If we got my mom on the phone right now, she'd want to talk to you about persimmons.

Where did you grow up? I grew up in San Francisco. Okay, so you grew up here in California. In California, in the breadbasket of the nation. Really? Yeah, sure. Okay. And then America's breadbasket. I get pretty excited when thin asparagus season rolls around. Oh, you like those little skinny asparagus? I do. I really like those skinny asparagus. I can't stand it. I won't eat a fat asparagus. Really? Yeah.

I just won't eat them. They're woody. I just won't eat them. Oh, I like all stand it. I will not. I won't eat a fat asparagus. Really? Yeah. I just won't eat them. They're woody. Just won't eat them. Oh, I like all asparaguses. They're going to make my pee smell funny. It's great. Sure. Anticipation of the pee is fun. Right. But, you know, I'm just going to, I will eat green beans until the skinny asparagus season

rolls around. No, there's nothing wrong with green beans. Jordan, there's nothing wrong with green beans. I didn't say that. What? You can go green bean. I didn't say that. What? You can go green bean. I like a winter squash. Speaking of a short

growing season, there's something called the sweet dumpling squash. Oh, sweet dumpling squash. That sounds like a hell of a squash, Jackie. It is a hell of a squash, people. That's one of those things

you order at a restaurant and it's actually a little bit of brain, right? You try to order it and what's happened is they hand you a carnival. That is not what you're looking for. It's much like the Satsuma in the fact that things look like a sweet dumpling squash,

do not taste like a sweet dumpling squash. Oh, so they're running a hustle on you is what you're saying. Yeah, it's tricksy. They're pulling the old sweet dumpling squash. The old switcheroo with the squishy squash, And the sweet dumpling squash is the way to go. If you want to run that, Kanye, you're going to need a long man and a short man.

And you're going to need a, you're going to need a headstart on me, Jackie Kishin. Cause I know, I know things about, I know things about the squash season. Enjoy a squash. Anyway,

I just want people to know, especially if you live on the West coast, Satsumas are available to you right now. It is the tail end of Satsuma season. Shit, I've got some in my fruit bowl right now and I'm inclined to go eat some. But if you're eating them and you're approached by a Japanese hot tub monkey, just leave the Satsuma. He will kill you. It's a murderous creature. Yes, absolutely. No remorse. And they go right for the genitals and throat.

This is something we learned from Jordan's dream. And don't fight it. Don't fight it. It's like a carjacking. Just let him have it. Yes. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Troubled? Just troubled because I can't come up with... I want something catchy like you guys. We do have really catchy nicknames.

It's pretty sweet. They're very catchy. We got catchy hooks, too. Yeah, we wrote that... We're Bruno Mars. So we wrote all those Bruno Mars songs. Sure. I was trying to think of the name of that new famous butt lady.

Who's that? The famous butt lady. There's a famous Kanye West. Suzanne Somers. There you go. And her famous thigh master. Who's that famous? There's that new.

Nicki Minaj. There you go. She's not really famous for her butt, though, is she? I mean, that's. She's an African-American lady, if that's what you mean. That's why I. But that's kind of racist that you would say that. No, this is not.

Are people talking about her butt? This is an unusually robust butt. Right? She's a lovely woman. No, hey, I'm bringing it up in the context of I did a pretty reasonable... I spent a reasonable amount of time Google image searching her butt and thought it was great. Okay. Fair enough.

I mean, I still think you're probably racist. I'm certainly racist. Right. I'm prejudiced. I mean, I still think you're probably racist. I'm certainly racist. Right. I'm prejudiced against so many racists. But you're racist primarily against the Portuguese. Yeah, absolutely. Goddamn Portuguese and their explorations. I'm just saying, let's look at some Google images of her butt.

Was it attached to her body, or had they surgically removed it? Fucked if I know. It was just a close- up shot of the butt. I was just looking at butt pics. Is it okay if I get off your beloved subject of Nicki Minaj's butt and bring...

Oh, you get to talk about tiny seedless oranges indefinitely and I want to have one conversation where I remember butt pics that I've liked recently. And all of a sudden, I'm the bad guy. Intellectuals. Well, fine.

I'm sitting here with a couple of intellectuals. Let's bring it. I want to bring into the conversation. Noam Chomsky. Sorry. We've got Noam Chomsky on the line from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Noam, what's going on? Chomsky here about to do one of our famous funny phone calls.

Nate, how are you doing there on the telephone line? I'm doing well. I'm doing well, thank you. Now, Nate, we spoke with you last week on the program. It was a pleasure to speak with you. Nate, maybe you could tell, since Jackie wasn't here last week, maybe you could let her know what we discussed. I called in to propose to my girlfriend, Jenny. Over the radio?

Yeah. We're not on the radio. So Jackie, this is worse than radio. Over the prerecorded show? Was she there? No, no. It was a surprise. So she – the plan was she listens to our show every week.

Oh, okay. She's a big fan of Jordan and Jessie Gull. Only God knows why. Is Nate a fan as well or just her? She's into butts. Sure. Nate, are you – well, Nate, we alluded before we went on the air that we did our whole last segment about Satsumas,

and Nate instantly recognized it from past segments about Satsumas. Also a fan. We've done multiple segments. That's a recurring theme on our program. So essentially you called up because you knew that she would hear it, sort of like a Jumbotron kind of thing Yeah Exactly

And in fact It was part of a segment On our show Where we invite people To Jumbotron style Share their personal messages On the program And she's a groundskeeper

At a AAA baseball field So she usually Listens to the show Broadcast Out over the loudspeakers While she's sweeping up the diamond. Right. Okay.

So that comparison is more apt than you know, Jackie. She and Nate actually met as members of a sausage race. Sure. I think, Nate, if I remember correctly, you were a brat of some right of some kind and she was a polish right right um nate i under as i understand it you have uh jenny on the tell on jenny sitting in in the room with you do you think you could pass the phone over to her absolutely okay let's let's talk to this poor woman jenny hello do you have you seen a picture of Nicki Minaj's butt? And what do you think of it?

No, I have not seen that. Oh, check it out. It's great. Okay. See ya. Jordan has his own ideas for what this segment should be about, Jenny. I have to apologize for him. No worries.

He gets something in his head, especially if I don't give him something to fiddle with. He'll get something in his head, and he'll just go on down that road. Where's my paper clips? Jenny, we have our friend Jackie Cation is here with us. Hi, Jenny. How's it going? Good. How are you?

I'm good. What team do you groundskeep for, if I might ask? What? You have not heard the other part of this conversation. Yeah. It was all very humorous. Look, there are a lot of lies that have been spread. Oh, my God.

You guys, I continue to fall. All right, I'll be over here. You thought that she really was a groundskeeper. Why wouldn't she be? I'm not a sexist. I'm a little racist, but I'm never sexist. As long as the Portuguese keep away from groundskeeping. Man, they're taking all the jobs.

Have you ever seen a Portuguese try and turn grass into a checkerboard pattern? They can't do it. Too busy trying to circumnavigate the goddamn globe. Jenny, it's too busy

having multiple stinging tendrils. I'm thinking of a Portuguese man o' war. Well, see you, Jenny. Nailed it with a fish joke. And we're gone. Jenny, okay.

Technically, a man o' war is detritus. Is it? Well, because they're slaves to the current. Detritus is a category of undersea creature? Yeah, well, I mean, it's anything that just is at the whim of the ocean. I think a jellyfish in the Manowar counts as detritus. If it can't swim against the current, it's essentially the same as the plastic that holds a six-pack together. Right.

This is all detritus. I like that you call it detritus. That's an excellent use of the word. I would have called it loosey-goosey. Loosey- Goosey fish fish It's a Lucy Goosey kind of fish But detritus Anyway Jenny

Let's get back to the most important thing That's ever happened to you Okay So Jenny Do you actually listen You listen to Jordan Jesse go every week without fail? Oh, definitely, yeah.

And there's something about this program that you like? There is, yeah. Okay, fair enough. I mean, who are we to judge, right? Well, we recommend butts for people to check out. That's right. Sure. How would you know about the hottest new Kanye-affiliated butts

if you didn't listen to Jordan? You would still be following that Amber woman that he's been dating with the short blonde hair or the no hair. You wouldn't know about Nicki Minaj if it weren't for this program. This is true. Have you ever heard of Nicki Minaj, Jenny? Can I just ask? Well, I have now.

Totally. I've never heard of her before in my entire life. Really? She's a very popular rapper. Right. Big deal. She's a big deal. I'm still listening to Big Daddy Kane.

I want to say something for Nicki Minaj. In addition to apparently having a handsome rear, she's also a gifted rapper. She's a very good rapper. With the rhyming and the typing and the melody? Absolutely. The rap songs, yeah, as they're called. You would know these from Big Daddy Kane. Sure. Little Eric B. and Rakim. Let's do it. Let rap songs. Yeah. As they're called. You would know these from Big Daddy Kane. Sure.

Little Eric B. and Rakim. Let's do it. Let's go. So let's get back to you, Jenny. And again, the most important thing that's ever happened to you. Right. So we heard last week on the program your sweetheart's declaration of his love and a request for marriage. Under what circumstances did you hear the segment?

So what happened was last week was pretty busy for me. And I like to listen to the show kind of all together, so I need to make sure I have a block of time available. Right. Got to cancel a few appointments. Right. Martha, clear my schedule. There's a new Jordan Jesse go out.

Right. So that unfortunately didn't happen until about Saturday night, and Nate was working in the house on his computer, and I was kind of, you know, putzing around and doing laundry. Another wild Saturday night for a Jordan Jesse Go fan. We're really crazy like that. And, yeah, so I was listening to the program. Now, were you listening on headphones?

I was. Okay. Yeah, Yeah. So I was listening on my headphones and, you know, heard this extra special guest. And you guys said his name was Nate. And he said, hello. And I'm like, oh, that kind of sounds like Nate. And then once he said he was in North Carolina, I was definitely down.

I knew it was him. For a second, you were maybe hoping it was Nathan Fillion, star of Castle. Right. You're like, extra special guest, Nate. It's got to be Castle. You thought it might be Warriors legend Nate Thurmond. I don't have a Nate. God damn it, Casey.

God damn it. You're fired, Jackie. All right. Okay, so Jenny, so you didn't even initially recognize your sweetheart's voice. Just in the initial moment, yeah. So what did you think was going on when we started interviewing him about you? Well, I was a little confused at first um you know by by the end of it i had kind of caught on but but uh nothing gets by you right but yeah it was really sweet it was very very sweet did you so you were both and you were both in the house at the same

time right we were did you did you like were you wearing headphones or listening to it on a computer or what? Yeah, I was listening on my headphones. So then I actually, when I figured out it was him, I went out where Nate was in the living room. And I was like, hey, you're talking to Jordan and Jesse. So we listened to the rest of it together. What did he look like when you came out and you had recognized his voice on the show? Oh, he was just kind of smiling.

Would you characterize it as a Mona Lisa smile? Maybe. Like he had a little secret. Did he know that you were listening to the show? I don't know. Did you know I was listening to the show? No, he didn't know I was listening to it. Because

what's terrifying about this horrible plan that he had. Right. This ill-conceived plan. Fraught with peril. Is you're most likely to be like on a treadmill or something. Right. Yeah, and I feel like a lot of people, you know, the podcast kind of maybe functions like the radio or the TV rerun or something like that, where it's kind of something that people have on and it's comforting and it's familiar. But you can kind of tune in or tune out at will.

And you can. Like, let's say the host starts talking Satsumas. Sure. You're going to want to tune in. Right. Take careful notes. What's that? What's that? Citrus

recommendations? Take off your pants and prepare your lotions. You could have been listening to it not on headphones and gone into another room during it. Yeah. And he would have, and Nate would have just assumed that you had heard

it and didn't want to marry him, but were just playing it cool. I don't think he would have assumed that you had heard it and didn't want to marry him, but were just playing it cool. Right. I don't think you would have assumed that. We probably talked to Nate about how wonderful you are for five minutes or so. Right, it was a pretty solid five minutes. Yeah, it was a while. Was this a proposal?

First of all, was this a proposal that you were expecting? Well, you know, eventually in the near future I was, you know, kind of expecting something, but certainly not in this venue. Well, granted, it's a terrible venue. It's a bad idea. We all agreed. No. No, it was great. I mean, that's what made it so great was it was a total surprise. Okay, so there was this long discussion of how wonderful you are and how much in love the two of you are.

Right. And what was it like when you heard him ask the question? Yeah, like I said, it was just very sweet very heartwarming and um yeah i was really excited did you pause the podcast after that or did you listen to the rest we listened for a little bit but then we so we paused yeah to go have sex or whatever right answer did you answer yeah no i did i did answer Did he have the ring on him? No, no. Are you going to get to pick it?

No, we're actually going to use my grandmother's ring. Come on, look at these two. I do like the idea of going out to pick it, though. You get out to those orchards, you know, you get to see the leaves. And we're back to Satsumas. You fight off the snow monkeys to get your beloved's ring. So Jenny, I think people have probably figured it out, but what was your answer to the question?

Oh, of course it was yes. That's fantastic. Have you guys told your families and whatnot? We have. They're going to do that on Never Not Funny. Fantastic. Have you guys told your families and whatnot? We have. We have. They're going to do that on Never Not Funny. Nate actually told my parents and his parents after he talked to you guys last week. So they knew all last week.

And, you know, we're waiting. Waiting for you to listen to the damn podcast. Right. I have to ask you a question, Jenny. Yeah. Obviously, God bless you. You're on board with this horrible idea. I think it's – honestly, I'm certainly touched and honored that the two of you have this bad idea and seem to be sticking with it even now that it's already happened definitely um

god only knows but you guys were both again for some unknowable reason on board with this thing that we're doing here into these microphones right um i can only assume that your parents aren't big jordan jesse go fans well so i have to tell you that before I listened to the podcast, I think I was driving my mother crazy. And we were talking about something about podcasts in general. And she was saying how I've now turned her on to all these podcasts, like Jordan, Jesse Goh. I said, Mom, you do not actually listen to Jordan and Jesse Go.

And she said, yeah, I do. I do. So I'm still not really sure if that's true or not, or she's just trying to get me to listen. Hi, Jenny's mom. You should interview the entire extended family every episode. Yeah, just do one. Just nail one per episode up to the wedding.

Yeah. Yeah, just do one. Just nail one per episode up to the wedding. Yeah, well, you definitely got a lot of new listeners from last week at least from my friends and family. So were your friends and family and parents, were they like, were they actually, were they comfortable with this? Yeah, I think they were cool with it. They were excited. I think they knew I would be, you would be happy and excited and up for it.

Better than at a comedy club. Go see a live show and then go, in the middle of it, in between the third dick joke and the fourth dick joke, I want to ask her to marry me. That's a terrible idea. Has that happened? Have you seen that happen before? Dozens of times. In the last 20 years,

people have lost their tiny lizard minds it seems like a bad it doesn't seem like a great place to do it no no i can think a few worse places i mean what's worse you're looking at prison probably worse podcast certainly sure top of a satsuma tree nobody's paying attention no they're all they're all gorging on those delicious fruits. Jenny, man, I can't even begin to tell you how honored we were that you guys chose this as the venue for this incredible, important thing in your lives. And gosh, I think I just wish you all the best. Well, thank you very much.

Do you guys have a, is there a date? Is there an estimated date? We're shooting for June, but we don't have a- Classic June wedding. Classic. Destination? Destination? No, we're just going to do it near where my parents live. Shrewd.

Destination Virginia is not that exciting. It's a lovely state. It's nice. It is nice. But, yeah, so we don't have any Hardin Fest plans yet, but we're working on it. Great. Hey, given the venue, can I recommend a War Between the States theme? I'm just saying.

Bride's family in blue, groom's family in gray. Well, it'd have to be the other way around. Nate's family is from Pennsylvania. Oh, okay. And his slogan could be, reconstruction, it could happen again at any moment. Well, Jenny, we sure appreciate you taking the time

to talk to us again and all the best. Thank you. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Look at this. It looks like I made a big joint out of this satsuma leaf. It looks like I made a big joint out of this Satsuma leaf.

Jordan. It looks like a tiny asparagus, a really skinny asparagus. Yeah. It really looks like Jordan. This is not a place for your Satsuma spliff. Sorry. Let's put this away.

I saw, I saw a report on television while I was out of town. Nutmeg, the next dangerous high for your kids? Question mark. Local television news is the most embarrassing thing. It really is. When I see it, it makes me embarrassed to be a human being.

You know what I think it is? And maybe this is a tried observation. Stop me if this is a tried observation. Yeah. But it seems to just function in the way like you know how teenagers like to watch horror movies because they like that amped up feeling that they get it seems like this serves the exact same function for the the doddering the doddering elderly like it just it's just it's fun to get worked up. Like, teens will watch a Saw movie to get thrilled.

In Los Angeles, the people who do it, it's like they're sort of B. They're like B quality. Like, I don't know. In San Francisco, the people who host the news shows, they're sort of like a B quality version of the network nightly news hosts. Sure. Here in Los Angeles, the people who host the local news shows are like a B-quality version of Mary Hart. Sure. Yeah, people who would leave the news in a second to host Access Hollywood.

Yeah, Mario Lopez. Sure. Basically, the show's being hosted by Mario Lopez. It's LA LA news is mostly entertainment anyway. Right. So maybe that's what the, I guess. And then there's the, you know,

do Skittles cause VD kind of teaser thing. And then you find out they don't, they all, it never does. But like, I hate, I hate, he hate,

hate, hate, uh, Nancy grace and court TV. And the fear thing where 98% of, according to television law and order SV thing where 98% of, according to television, law and order SVU notwithstanding, 98% of the men on this planet apparently wish to diddle small children and rape people.

I'm willing. They're just all day long sexting their four locos. Wait a minute. When you say men on this planet, are you talking about the whole planet or just Portugal? Just Portugal at this point. Right. But I'm just, I'm willing to go That's where all the child diddlers are. That's where they are. But I'm willing to go the exact opposite

and just say 98% of, even the bad guys. Even guys that are kind of tools or jackasses or people who are violent. I have made terrible life decisions and followed men into dark, dark alleys for booze and pot and every single one of those stories end with me not and followed men into dark, dark alleys for booze and pot.

And every single one of those stories end with me not being raped or killed. But do you get the booze and pot? Yes. Nice. Because most of the men that I've ever met in my life spend a big portion of their time hoping that you're going to have sex with them. And then at the end of the night, if you don't, they're disappointed. But it's very much a, oh, that's too bad yeah we'll see you see i mean that's all and that's it you know they take out their anger on uh on halo characters right right they like to go to world of warcraft and start

beating up the mayor i'm uh high on i don't know if there's a man the mayor of orkville yes we know that popular character i'm high on nutmeg you're high on nutmeg. You're high on nutmeg, sure. That's why that whole Satsuma thing happened earlier. Oh, just your nutmeg buzz. That's just the nutmeg talking. Yeah. You know what? You should roll a will save. What?

No, I'm sorry. I went D&D on you for no reason. It's okay. Earlier, Jordan made a spliff out of a Satsuma leaf. Oh, I dropped it. I've talked about the time my math teacher in high school told this story about smoking a spleef, right? Sure.

Okay, I thought I had. I found a big bag of pot once in Silver Lake in a unisex single-seater bathroom. Oh, that sounds great. And I don't smoke pot because I fall asleep, so I decided to turn it into the Lost and Found. To be fair, we all fall asleep. Because I thought, well, yeah, but do you fall asleep and then wake up?

From the pot, you mean? Yeah, yeah, seven to nine minutes. I thought you just meant that. Each day, eventually. Yeah. I do have congenital sleepiness. So what did the Lost and Found guy say when you turned in a bag of pot? It was almost like a quarter ounce.

It was a pretty big bag of pot. Someone had obviously gotten stoned and forgotten their pot. Sure. So I take it up to the front counter, and there's a guy working the register. Wait, this is a coffee shop? Yeah. Okay. Like the coffee table or something like that?

Okay. And it's a hipster kid working the register. Oh, sure. It's got that big back room. Right. Need a $10 burger. Okay, I know. Okay.

Sure. So I take it up to him, and I was like, hey, do you guys have a lost – I thought it would be funny, right? Right. Mixing with the keys. The delightful, sure. And the mittens. Yeah.

I was creating a little story in my head. Yeah. And so I say, do you guys have a lost and found? And he's bored. And he goes, yeah, what'd you find? And I hold up the bag of pot, and he grabs it out of my hand, holds it underneath the counter, and goes, you don't want this? My first clue.

My first clue that that is never making it to the box oh i um what if someone came she's like uh can you describe the bag of pot that you've lost we have a few my favorite thing is he said so do you want like a free sandwich or something yeah yeah i do, little Swiss. I'm on board, buddy. Yeah, sandwiches. That's what I'm into. Right. I will trade found drugs for sandwiches. Hey, what are you into?

Sandwiches? Sandwiches. My shit for your shit, right? A pro sandwich. Meet me out back at five. I'll give you an ice blended. Somebody put a pretty sizable bag of pot in my mom's mailbox at the junior college where she teaches.

Like her school mailbox? Yeah, like her school mailbox. Yeah, well, I don't know. The heat was coming down and somebody was like, hey, Professor Thorne is cool. She's no narc. She'll enjoy this. She's no narc. She thought that was pretty amusing.

One time Rick Overton gave me a bag of Robin Williams' pot because he was going to get on an airplane. He didn't want Robin Williams' pot to go to waste. He figured if it belonged to Robin Williams, it was probably pretty great. Yeah, sure. That guy's got some disposable income. And Rick Overton, comedian Rick Overton. Friend of the people.

He was kind of pissed at me for not smoking pot. Oh, that seems... He was kind of upset with me about it. He later went on to give me and Jim Rayall, the master of Would You Rather, a lecture about legalizing pot at the pot legalization benefit show we were performing at. Sure. So what'd you end up doing with the pot? You pass it on? You pay it forward?

I was at a comedy festival, which will go unnamed, but people could probably guess by the fact that it was in Robin Williams' hometown. Okay. But I was at a comedy festival. I brought it in and shared it with other people. Needless to say, it's not difficult to find someone who smokes pot in the staff of

the comedy festival. It's true. Hey, I want to talk about something important that I did. Yeah. You watched Bad Lieutenant Port of Call, New Orleans. Jordan, we have to save Bad Lieutenant Port of Call, New Orleans. I do want to talk

about it, certainly. Absolutely. That's what we call an evergreen. Yeah, exactly. This is timely. Yeah. America's just growing more and more in love with Bad Lieutenant, Port of Call, New Orleans with each passing week. It totally sounds like a PS3 game. Yeah, yeah. No, no. It's a movie.

It's a wonderful movie. Okay, well let's talk about the timely thing. Someone needs to make a video game out of it. Sorry. I was in Seattle this past weekend because I was officiating a wedding. Wait, you married the peoples? I married the peoples. I used internet to make myself a minister. And then I married two people who requested it based on this very program.

Oh my God. So fans of this show said, I want to be fair, a fan and a beleaguered wife-to-be. A good sport, I believe she's called. A battered woman, yes. Married into it.

And you married them. I married them. In fact, here's the thing i think if you think of hiring a podcaster to conduct a wedding and i mean granted am i a podcaster slash public radio host yes but basically i'm a podcaster and their interest was podcasting based. Okay. You think of the kind of wedding that has a barbecue afterwards. Right? Very simple. Or whatever stormtroopers eat for dinner. Yeah, space rations.

What do they eat in the world of Star Wars? Have you ever seen them? Do they eat stuff in Star Wars? Jackie? Dork Forest Podcast? Exactly. I am your go-to on this, and I have not. I have seen, I think I saw Mark Hamill, I think I saw Luke Skywalker sitting at one meal,

and it was in the very first movie that was made, A New Hope. Yeah. And it was a meal with his mother and his aunt. When you say A New Hope, you're referring to Star Wars. I am referring to Star Wars. Star Wars 1. Star Wars 1, in my opinion. But 4, A New Hope, according to everybody who cares too much.

If we're going by the opening crawl. Right. Which, you know, I'm on board. But that was the only meal I ever saw, I think. Yeah, I feel like I've never seen him eat anything in Star Wars either. When Darth Vader takes Han Solo's lightsaber, I feel like they were about to have lunch. Like when Lando Calrissian sets him up for the trap in the Cloud City. Okay.

I feel like they enter sort of a boardroom that looks like they might have had lunch if they were friends. Huh. But I don't think there was no food there. Anyways. I have seen Star Wars. Pretty good, huh? might have had lunch if they were friends huh but i don't think there was no food there anyways i i have seen star wars pretty pretty good huh that's it's fun it's a fun movie sure um anyway uh so that's that's it certainly you're expecting either uh the kind of wedding that takes place in a public park um or the kind of wedding that involves you know star trek uniforms or what have you um this uh was what you might describe as a classy wedding

martha stewart classy like fancy pants it was not i mean it was in se, so it wasn't like a preppy Northeastern wedding. There weren't a lot of 20- Hunting dogs. I was going to say 20-year-olds in khakis and blue blazers and reptiles. It wasn't that kind of scene. Or like old guys in red pants um but it was it was it was i would say a sophisticated wedding about a hundred guests it was in a converted brewery a former brewery that had been turned into just kind of a beautiful

sort of industrial style event space there was a lot of there was a lot of dynamic lighting inside and various draperies hanging from the rafters that made it seem more wedding-y than that description would suggest. It was like what you would call a high-class wedding. It was in the evening. It was dark

outside. A well-dressed crowd. Tuxedos, beautiful gowns. Yeah, I was wearing a tuxedo. They did bring it up a notch. Try this on for size. I was wearing opera pumps. With lifts?

No. To make you seven feet tall? There's no lifts in there. Okay. It was a beautiful thing, and I have to admit, I was pretty terrified. Just because, did you have to, did they write the vows? Here's what they did. I asked them, I don't know, look, I'm no E-Beth.

I'm no Jordan Jesse Go Superfan E-Beth, who is a professional, part-time professional wedding officiant. Okay. I had never, I don't even pay attention during weddings generally. I just kind of space out. Your own? I was sort of in my own special world during mine, as you would expect. And so I don't know, I don't know from weddings.

And so I asked them, you know, they said, how do you want to do this? I said, you know, set out like an outline, you said, how do you want to do this? I said, set out an outline. Make an outline, write your vows, or tell me if you'd like me to use traditional vows. I'm not going to be able to do that better than you can. I don't know your preferences. Pick your readings. Tell me what you want me to do. I'll write some remarks.

Okay. Just tell me when you want me to. Some one-liners. Just a little bit of riffing? Are you going to be in charge of the press? I did some crowd work. Hey! Hey!

So, the skank patrol is here. Oh, sorry, that's the bridesmaids. But I really had to like I really had to do official wedding efficient stuff I had to write I wrote like a little questionnaire and sent it to them

about you know like how did you meet like when did you know that you this was the person you wanted to spend your life with like all these kind of mushy questions

and then I put together a little speech about them and their life together it was a little bit like it was a little speech about them and their life together. It was a little bit like if you've ever been to a funeral for someone who the minister who's administering the funeral didn't actually know. They get together and they talk to a couple of people beforehand and write down which organizations they volunteered for. That was sort of what the ceremony was like. But it was a tremendous...

I mean, I'm not a big stage fright guy unless I feel... Like, I'll get stage fright, but only if I have reason to. Like, if I'm about to... If I'm not prepared to do something, I'll get stage fright. But if I'm ready to go, I usually don't get stage fright. And I wasn't really stage fright. I just realized realized holy shit these people put me in charge of the most important thing in their lives

like maybe they'll have children and that will surpass their wedding day but besides that you know you're gonna really drop the ball it is very trusting to give to a stranger. A total stranger. Who married you? My wife's grandfather married us. He's a retired judge and he's a wonderful man, although he did call me by my wife's father's name twice during the ceremony. Bit of an elderly gentleman. He's an

older gentleman, although we later learned that he has a history of doing that going back some 20 years. Calling people by the... Yeah, when he was not that elderly. some 20 years. When he was not so. Yeah, when he was not that elderly. And also, to be fair, it was funny. It was funny. It was sweet.

He's a charming man. Sure, absolutely. He's a little bit, he's sort of like California, like a Bay Area version of sort of the minister from The Princess Bride. He has that sweetness. He has that sweetness about him that's sort of impenetrable. So you can't really get anything to stick.

When I got married, it was a friend of my husband's who married us, one of his best friends. And my husband and I decided that we didn't want it to be funny. And we didn't tell his buddy. And so he made it slightly funny. And he did a good job. He's a funny guy, so it all worked out. Here's the thing.

I wrote these remarks with the intent of not being funny. Right. And I accidentally got some laughs at the beginning. And I freaked out. I was like, oh, my God, these people are laughing. I did not mean for this to be funny. That was because of your physical comedy. That's because you did some of your famous pratfalls up top my dick was out that's it just um but i i was really like there were these things that i thought were going to be sweet

that came out to the audience the audience seemed to interpret as being funny and i was i freaked out and i really like also the public address system was incredibly loud so i and i had a handheld microphone so i had to like hold it down like below my sternum and sort of whisper so that it wouldn't boom across the audience wow and um i no sound check there was no sound check i was surprised by that um i should have i should have asked for one i it didn't occur to me. I was too busy flipping out over the fact that I was about to ruin these people's lives. And I had one little kind of tiny semi-joke in the remarks.

It was sort of, it wasn't like a joke joke. It was like a sort of like a, oh, here's a little funny thing. And I, it was about Lindsay Lowe. And that was like about 25% of Britney Spears' second marriage I did a lot of topical material but mostly it was serious mostly it was about Darfur

oh very nice like how can we get married when there's so many horrible rapes going on child soldiers how can we be happy do you know that Yoda also fed Luke Skywalker in Empire Strikes Back what did he eat

there was some sort of stew happening when after a day of jumping around learning how to use the force he ate a Yoda stew I kind of remember the Yoda stew

yeah anyway there was Yoda stew at the wedding is that what they served there's got to be some some I mean there's got to be a million websites

to save the ingredients of that stew. Oh, like a cookbook. Yeah. The Star Wars cookbook. The Star Wars, yeah. Somebody Google that. The edible Star Wars. It was really kind of like being part of this event

was really kind of like... It was kind of overwhelming for me. Like, I really... Well, you wanted to do good. Yeah, I really wanted to do a good job. Right. And here's the thing like it was so it was so weird because it wasn't like i was part of this community going in and i had never done this or paid attention at a wedding uh even my own right and so we had met we had met the couple who were just lovely people. We had met them, and Jordan had met the groom at one point briefly.

More times than Jesse. And I had emailed. It was a slight. And yet, I was going to say. We've been over this. Sure. Jordan, did I mention that this was a classy wedding? Making it even more of a slight.

This cleans up. You don't know. It brings us up a notch. Jordan owns a tux. This cleans up. You don't know. It brings us up a notch. Jordan owns a tux. Sure. There's no doubt about that. Granted, it's a novelty tux he purchased for one of his Fuel TV beds. Sure.

But it was really an emotional experience doing this, being up there and being in charge of this. I really had to control myself to keep from crying. I was overwhelmed. Did you go to the reception afterwards? Yeah, I went to the reception. I sat with a lovely Australian couple. My wife and I sat with a lovely Australian couple.

Where were they from in Australia, if I might be so? Melbourne. Melbourne. Melbourne. I've been to Melbourne. Are you Australian? I do accents. You don't know so. Melbourne. Melbourne. Melbourne. I've been to Melbourne. Are you Australian? I do accents.

You don't know it. Right. Because nobody knows it. It's one of the best kept secrets in show business is that I do that. I can actually only do accents of me doing other people doing accents.

I can do Maria Bamford doing an Australian accent. Melbourne. And that's it. I tried to see if the Australian couple knew who Maria was. Because Maria Bamford, our friend Maria

Bamford, the great stand-up comedian, has toured frequently in Australia. I rode that coattail for months. They were not familiar with Maria Bamford. However, I used my noggin. I dropped Arj Barker on them. Our friend stand-up comedian Arj Barker, a native

of Marin County, where my wife is from, who came up in the San Francisco comedy scene. They flipped out that I knew Arj Barker. Right. Well, he's continued to go. Maria hasn't been in like the last three years. Here's the thing. I toured Australia and I had done a TV show. And then nine weeks later, because there's only four channels on regular Australian TV, nine weeks later, a child on the street

recognized me. Wow. It was like being on the television in the 70s. Yeah. Yeah. He was like, you were on that show. It was like Johnny inviting you over to the couch. Yeah. Only it was... A tiny child. Only it was Yahoo Sirius inviting you to sit next to him in a director's chair in front of a green screen.

Which is what I assume Australian television is, probably unfairly. A of a green screen, which is what I assume Australian television is, probably unfairly. Sure, a lot of green screen. Anyway, I wanted to think... To be fair, that's mostly what American TV is these days. I wanted to thank Guy and Mary Beth, the charming couple that were married, and now the Welches,

for involving me in that. And they came up to me afterwards and said they felt like I was part of the family now. Oh, come on. And that real, like how lovely is, what a nice thing, what an honor it was to be part of this. Like I've never, I've never been asked to do something like that. It was just so, it was so moving for me to do it

and it was really a blast and I only fucked, I started my intro before the processional, but it turned out okay. Everything, I didn't fuck anything else up. And there were a hundred people much like you at the wedding who were barely paying attention. Yeah. And so.

It was, but anyway, it was really amazing. So thanks to them. Wait, did they introduce you as, and now to read the thing? That was something that I. Johnny Internet. That's what I consider consider that i couldn't come up with i said in my welcome remarks i said welcome welcome to the welcome to the wedding of you know guy and mary beth my name is jesse thorn um and when after i wrote my name is jesse thorn there was this period of consideration where I was trying to figure out,

is there some way that I can say who the fuck I am and why I'm there that doesn't make me a dick? That doesn't sound like a commercial for the podcast. And you'll find a flyer on each of your tables. Yeah, like, should I give out the URL? Is that what I should be doing? Yeah, it's like when you do a stand-up comedy show,

how do you want me to bring you up? And then you say this is... But I'm in charge of introducing, so there's no one introducing. I should be doing? Yeah. It's like when you do a stand-up comedy show, how do you want me to bring you up? Yep. And then you say this is... But I'm in charge of introducing, so there's no one introducing me. So nobody brought you up.

Yeah. Yeah, and so I just left it at that, and I think most people assumed I was a priest of some kind. And what did they serve? What was the meal,

if I might be? Were there any satsumas? A pork tenderloin. A pork tenderloin. A pork tenderloin. Or a browned salmon of some kind. This being the Pacific Northwest. It was a lovely event.

I enjoyed a salted caramel cupcake at the end of it, which was great for me. That sounds great. When you can't eat chocolate, you really get excited when there's a good non-chocolate dessert available. And that was a great non-chocolate dessert. They had a lovely cake topper that featured... Oh, you guys are going to love this. Here comes the cake topper story.

If you know Guy and Mary Beth, you're going to think this is hilarious. I have still... You officiated his wedding. I have still hung out with him more times than you. Go ahead. Piece of cakes. There was a...

Piece of cakes. The cake topper was a big screen TV guy wearing a tuxedo slumped over on the ground in a pile of Diet Coke cans and video game controllers. There was an Xbox in the cake topper and Mary Beth in a wedding dress dragging him to the wedding. Thank God I thought you were going to say she had a strap on. No. That would have been very inappropriate. He's passed out in a pile of cans and she's fucking him?

Yeah, that I went. Sometimes I go dark. I don't always. It doesn't have to be dark. He could enjoy it. That's true. They're consenting. Passing out in a pile of soda and being dildo raped. The only other nerd thing that happened,

and again, I want to emphasize. They're almost certainly listening. I want to emphasize that this was a very classy event through and through. The two nerd moments were the Kickstarter. Oh, we should also, Guy works for Xbox. Guy works for Microsoft. He works for the Xbox portion of Microsoft up there in Seattle in Redmond, Washington, if I'm not mistaken.

And so there was the cake topper. And because Guy works for Microsoft, a product that they're working on is a video game called Gears of War. Sure. Which I gather comes out in September. So there's a little free plug for Gears of War. Yeah. Apparently Gears of War. I will be talking about it later on in the podcast.

Okay. That's excellent. Apparently Gears of War involves a giant laser gun that also has a giant saw on it. Sure. Why wouldn't it? Can you shoot and saw with it? Is that the deal, Jordan? Yeah.

Well, you know, if... The saw's just going, isn't it? No, the saw's not always going. The saw's not constantly going. You know, the gun is a gun, and it shoots gun bullets. But when you're getting up close and you need to use a melee attack, that's where you're going to want to activate the saw. There you go. Gotcha.

So they did take wedding pictures with two giant gears of war guns and they did apparently take one apparently the wedding coincided with uh the wedding coincided with the video game awards um oh i went to i did the uh i worked at the red carpet of that which first for some reason reason, were hosted by Neil Patrick Harris. Yes. Someone called in a fucking shit on that one to get Neil Patrick Harris down to host the video game awards. Doesn't Neil Patrick Harris do a lot of, like, dork stuff, though? He hosted the Emmys and the...

He was the voice in the last Spider-Man game, too. He did a webisode of a guy I know named Mike Upchurch called Power Loafing. And he was like, yeah, I'll come. And they were like, can you match my day rate? And he's like, yeah. And it's just like an office, like the office kind of situation. And he played a visiting boss and nailed it because he's Neil Patrick Harris. He's excellent.

He's very good. But I think – He almost saves that television program he's on. How I Met Your Mother? Sure. Well, he saves his scenes. Yeah. He saves the lines that he says.

Sure. Not unlike Jason Segel in that sense. Sure. But yeah, I think Neil Patrick Harris does a lot of like covert geek stuff. Okay. So make sure he's got his hand in a lot of pies. Some of the groom's co-workers who work closely with him had to be at the Video Game Awards, which had been scheduled after the wedding had been scheduled.

And so they were taking these to send to the guys that were at the Video Game Awards and couldn't be there. And they did take – they took a joke picture of them cutting the cake. With the song. With the song. Awesome. Yeah, it was really sweet. But it was nice because, it was nice because

I don't think that the bride is a nerd. Right. I mean, she probably is a nerd because she's a doctor. Right. And you can't become a doctor without being at least somewhat of a nerd. And you can't marry into that sort of world without being on board. She's not a – To some extent.

She's not a like reading Star Trek novels nerd. Yeah. Yeah. She's probably just like studious and maybe – She's just studious and thoughtful and bright. Yeah. Probably maybe enjoys documentary. She was certainly dubious of me when she first met me

um but uh she those were they just little moments a little moments in there i was gratified that i wasn't that i didn't have to like go to like a renaissance fair wedding or something like that you know uh when uh my husband makes video games for a living and he worked at playstation when we got married and uh god of war two and three there you go that's that's his famous thing that he worked on but what did he do on those um he was he's a level designer but he i don't think he did level design on either of those i don't i think he came in late to two and did cameras okay and then um on three i don't know i don't know what he did those are two great games. Yeah, they're sort of the only games that anyone knows what the heck they are.

But his buddy, and he's a huge gamer. To be fair, I know what Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle is. As does he. That's awesome. Great Game Boy game. But his buddy who handed him the rings when we were getting married, there were four rings on the pillow or the thing. And two of them were green lantern rings.

Oh, God. He was like, pick one of these. Pick one of these rings. And the rings that we actually did end up, we had made, they're elven rings. Oh, my gosh. They're based on the- Wow, from L.O.T.R.

From L.O.T.R., Lord of the Rings. I'm not saying I wouldn't do that kind of wedding. I'm not above that. It was amazing to be invited to be part of that. But, well, I don't know. That's the thing. We discussed earlier that speaking of nerds, Kevin Smith, the charming celebrity nerd of Los Angeles, has been charging $5,000 for weddings. I don't know.

I'm thinking about getting in the business $49.95. That's what I'm charging. By land. You'll re-detail their car, too. I'm coming for Kevin Smith, Jordan. We should have a wedding off. Do you think Kevin Smith would have a wedding off with us? I don't think he would acknowledge us publicly.

No, I don't think he would either. He's much too successful. Ideally, he would have a wedding off or some sort of off with us. But I think it seems unlikely. I think we are. We are. We are barnacles on his hull. I don't think you could beat him in a jorts off.

No way, man. What's a jort? It's a jean short. Oh, oh, like jeggings. Yeah. OK. Yeah. Jorts.

I want to be clear when I say that I'm got that I've got Kevin Smith in my sights and I'm ready to take him down, I don't not care for Kevin Smith. Kevin Smith seems like a great guy. I just want to make that clear. I don't want anyone to think that I'm trying to start a feud with Kevin Smith just because I'm going to take him down and I'm going to take over his wedding business. Why do you think we've done so much wedding stuff lately?

Because we're guys that have a real emotional core. That's beautiful. No, we don't. You appeal. No, but that's not true. Why are we doing so much wedding stuff? Jordan's like, I looked inside. I understand, Jordan, why you were not hired for this gig.

No, we don't. I looked inside my emotional core, says Jordan, and all I found was this ball of twine. It was glowing. Then he just starts playing ball of twine. It was glowing. Then he just starts playing with the twine. Yep, yep, yep, yep. I think it's nice. Don't you think this wedding stuff is nice?

No, sure. I like it all. I like it all. You're the say yes to the dress of podcasting. We totally are. No, no, I like it all, and I definitely feel super honored that- You've been invited to look after the guest book at that wedding in Nebraska. Sure, absolutely.

But yeah, no, no, I have nothing but warm feelings for Nate and Jenny, and it's great that you got to do this. But I don't know, does it seem like there's just a... Is there a zeitgeisty thing happening? Are weddings in? What do you think the reason for all this wedding stuff is? Isn't our demographic just wedding-aged?

Yeah, I'm sure that's probably just as... We're looking... I mean, our demo's 18 to 34 for the most part. Sure. You got your outliers. You got your teens. Those people are getting

married all the time. You got your children who shouldn't be allowed to listen to our program. You got your older folks who are hip to what the young kids are into. Sure.

Your cool kids. Uh-huh. Your Janie. Janie from the forum. She's over 34, just barely. But she's a cool kid. She likes to keep her finger on the pulse.

Yep. That's what's going on. That's okay. But I'm saying we've never done like weddings. Got a lot of 27-year-olds listening to the program. But what about when the Rockets came on? They were about to get married. Oh, yeah.

We gave them the name the Rockets. By the way, they were on the Judge John Hodgman podcast this week. I gave them the business. Sure. I had to give them the business. They came on our program for a segment where Jordan and I named something. Yeah. And the rule is, if you come on the segment, you have to go by what we decide the thing

should be named. They were getting married and wanted to choose a new surname. We suggested Rocket, R-O-C-K-I-T and they did not use it they did not use it I like that they stood up for themselves good for you they should have stood up for themselves

it's a waste of our time our time is valuable I get paid $4,995 to conduct a wedding I am a successful wedding officiant Look, I get paid $4,995 to conduct a wedding. I am a successful wedding officiant slash public radio host slash television host slash podcaster. And I'm a guy with a lot of interests. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

And Jackie Cation, stand-up comic, sitting down. How about that? That's okay. I know it. It's fair. I'm going to go home and I'm going to write. Yeah. You got to write.

You got to keep a journal. Sure. Got to do your pages every day. Oh, the pages. I'm going to go home and I'm going to write. Yeah. You got to write. You got to keep a journal. Sure. Got to do your pages every day. Oh, the pages. I can't do the pages. Jackie, if you do not do your pages, how are you going to capture your ideas? This is my artist date. This is right here.

I'm having an artist date. Yeah, absolutely. Well, look, here's the situation. Our friends from the Warner Brothers cable company have broke my internet today. So I didn't have any internet all day, so I didn't really screen any calls. So we're not going to have any calls on this week's program. Sorry, I know it's your favorite part of the show, everybody.

But we had that nice conversation. How's that for a fucking momentous occasion? Sure. Somebody asked somebody to marry them. And she said yes. That's beautiful. It was beautiful. This show is about taking a second for something beautiful.

Yeah. All right. Monkeys. Hot tub monkeys. Sure. Tiny deers. Tiny deer. Satsumas.

Satsumas. The sweet dumpling squash, people. Don't forget about it. Oh. Sweet dumpling squash. Are you kidding? Scoop it out. Bake it. It doesn't need butter. It't forget about it. Oh. Sweet dumpling squash. Are you kidding? Just cut it in half, scoop it out, bake it.

It doesn't need butter. It doesn't need sugar. Nothing. Wow. Nom, nom, nom. Like a Muppet. It has sweet dumpling squash. God's butter on it. It does have squash.

Yeah. And don't get tricked by the Colonel. Hey, listen. I know that we're... I'm holding off on announcing guests at MaxFunCon, and I'll tell you why. People have been asking me, why haven't you announced the guests. Partly it's because I want to have... There are no guests this year.

Yeah. It's just going to be the two of you. Well, we've got a song and dance act we've been putting together. We can't afford a band, so we're just going to make horn sounds. Bring your iPod. Yeah, exactly. Put it on shuffle. Watch the magic happen

it's partly just because I kind of like I would rather have the people at MaxFunCon be people that are there for MaxFunCon rather than people that are there just to see

Dolph Lundgren shit oh fuck Jordan giant reveal oh boy just don't tell them about Statham oh Jesus Expendables Reunion okay you know what guys Giant reveal Oh boy Just don't tell them About Statham Oh Jesus

Expendables reunion Okay You know what Guys Spilling the beans Max Funcon Expendables Oh

Have I ever told that Story of when I went To the Expendables thing And I heard Sylvester Stallone Talking about future Expendables movies He wants to make No

Wow Well remind me to tell About that next time It's hilarious Okay So But I will he wants to make? No. Wow. Well, remind me to tell about that next time. It's hilarious. Okay. So, but I will, and the other reason is because we haven't booked everybody at Max Fun Con.

It's a long way away. And the reality is that when you're not offering people that college gig money, sometimes people have to wait until a little closer to be able to commit to something that essentially doesn't pay.

There's a nice bungalow involved. That's a little bit of a spoiler. We are asking people who do the college circuit. Kyle? Is Kyle coming? Kyle Kinane. Cease. Huge college guy.

Kinane. Cease. We got all the college guys. Canane. Cease. Cease. Yeah, we got all the college guys. We got that Tosh.0 guy. Sure, sure. You got everybody. CollegeHumor.com. Did you guys know Tosh.0 is a huge hit?

Huge. Yeah. Huge hit. Most successful show on that network. Right? Why is that? I mean, look. I mean, Daniel Tosh is a funny stand-up comic. This isn't about me hating Daniel Tosh.

I just don't understand why that is a hit show. Right. It's not anything, right? Well, because it's America's Funniest Home Videos. Yeah, it's easy. That's all it is. To be fair, I watched it in its original... I watched it in the first couple episodes, and I'm like, well, here's the end of TV.

Like, fuck this. Right. But then I re-watched recently and it has gotten really, really funny. He's really funny on it. He's a funny guy. He is super snarky. I mean, nobody nails... I've seen him work a crowd and... I talked to Joel McHale

in person the other day and that almost blew my mind. The amount of snark. The amount of casual snark. I did too. I talked to Joel McHale once too and was pretty blown away by how he maintains that tone.

And I want to be clear that he was really nice to me. I was going to say, every time I've talked to Joel McHale, twice, he has been nothing except for super sweet. Well, that's the thing. But you feel like he hates you.

It's not really about him not being nice. He was very nice to me. It's his tone. You feel like he either is eviscerating you or is about to eviscerate you with just an offhand remark at any moment. He's also very handsome, which intimidated me. Right. Right. He does have regular features.

Yeah. Muscles, too. Right, right. He seems to have done a sit-up or two. He's totally yoked. Right. Right. He does have regular features. Yeah. Muscles too. Right. Right. He seems to have been totally he's yoked. Anyway. Oh I just want to finish this thought about Tosh. No. Yeah. It's recent few episodes are really funny and

all the little supplemental things they do for the internet videos are really really clever and inventive. That being said it fucking sucks that that's what TV shows are now. Spoken as someone who... Spoken as someone who makes their primary living on doing that exact kind of thing.

And if someone wants to give me a show like that, I'll fucking take it. Also do that. Yeah. Hey, I know. I've taken that show. Sure. I enjoy working on it.

Sure. I encourage people to watch it. Yeah, absolutely. Yes've taken that show. Sure. I enjoy working on it. Sure. I encourage people to watch it. Yeah, absolutely. Yes, nothing, you know, yeah, that genre of TV will continue to employ people at our level for the next 20 years. Probably. God bless it. Also, fuck that. I will sell out in a heartbeat.

Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Sure. But, yeah. But I think maybe Tosh maybe unfairly gets roped in with the Dane Cook. Yeah, no, I think he's a very funny talent. He's genuinely talented in the show.

Dane Cook has some talent too, but Daniel Tosh is genuinely a very funny talent. Yeah, and that show is a great version of that, where that could be just so fucking lazy. Look at Nutshot number eight. Right. He could have phoned it in easily. Yeah. And it would probably still be a huge hit. It would be a huge hit.

It is disappointing that it outnumbers Colbert and Jon Stewart. But that's just because that's disappointing. I want to circle back here. Easy to watch. And say that while I am not inclined to announce any of the guests at MaxFunCon, Jackie Cation has kindly agreed to join us at MaxFunCon.

I will be coming to MaxFunCon. I'm going to have the maximum fun that I can have at a con. Oh, it's going to be... Well, wait until you meet Dr. Cocktail, my friend. I've heard good things. I've heard good things. But as we've said, we've said Cation. Yeah.

Pollock. Yeah, Cation Pollock. Cocktail, I guess. Well, I don't know. I'm trying to think if Ted has confirmed. I can't. His name, Dr. Ted Cocktail. I can't imagine that he's not coming back.

Yeah. How could he be working? He isn't. Well, he actually does have a, he works in television production. His most notable credit is that he drew all of the dicks for Superbad. That's just good writing. Cation. Pollock. Cocktail.

Max Funcon. Show up. But we've got some really cool people book that I haven't announced yet. Some favorites coming back, etc. But Jackie will be joining us. Wait until it's closer. right? Yeah, I'm going to wait until it's closer. Wait until probably

early in 2011 we'll announce the guests. But the reason I mention that, besides that you're sitting here, is at last count, six beds remaining for MaxFunCon. Six beds. There will be a waiting list, and in the past we have managed to

get in at least some to most of the people on the waiting list. Some last year, most the year before. But all's I'm saying is if you're waiting for something on MaxFunCon, do it. One of our momentous occasions was going to be this kind woman who asked me if she should wait until she got a new job or just do it now. And I told her, like, well, you know, I can't really hold it for you. Like, best of luck with getting a new job. She ended up getting the job and getting a ticket.

But now is the time to get a ticket if you're going to get a ticket, is all I'm saying. All you're saying, do it. I mean, you know, maybe the last five tickets will last three months i don't know but do you remember um there's this episode of murphy brown where wallace sean played uh this guy who was like an andy rooney who just did like um commentaries and his thing was his catchphrase was and that's all's i know and he said like you'd always say that and that guy and jim dial was super mad at him

because he was more popular. Like, Jim Dial was the serious newsman. Right. And they wanted Wallace Shawn to be on every episode of the show, and then he got so... He was just really, really mad that Wallace Shawn's catchphrase was,

that's all's I know, and they had this big breakdown. He's like, it's not all's I know, it's all I know. Very funny. Murphy Brown. Murphy Brown,

my only acting credit. Really? What were you on Murphy Brown? An airport cop. She played all I know. Very funny. Murphy Brown. Murphy Brown, my only acting credit. Really? What were you on Murphy Brown? An airport cop. She played Wallace Shawn. Look at me. Oh, okay. This is an airport cop to every casting director in the world.

And if anyone wants to make that TSA sitcom, let's do it, people. Sure. Let's go. Anyway, Jackie, we're looking forward to having you at MaxFunCon. Thanks for having me. It's going to be fun. Your internet radio and podcast program. Are you still streaming this thing? for having me. It's going to be fun. Your internet radio and podcast program, are you still streaming

this thing? It's streaming. It's happening. We've got 213 episodes in archive and then we've got a dozen that are brand new pre-recorded,

crystal clear, sweet. You're talking about Dork Forest situation. Yeah, dorkforest.com. Dorks, as in nerds and geeks and whatnot. Or the part of a, what is it? A whale's penis. A whale's penis, yeah. A whale ororks. As in nerds and geeks and whatnot. Or the part of a...

What is it? A whale's penis. A whale's penis. Yeah. A whale or a dolphin. The history of the word dork. I didn't know that. Well, Jackie, it's been a real pleasure.

Do you have any... I know you are sometimes on the road performing stand-up comedies. Are there any dates people can see you? I have sets all over LA until New Year's. And then I'm doing a split week with the genius that is Maria Bamford. I'm doing half the week where I close, and the important part of the weekend, she'll be closing, and that'll be fine.

I'm happy to do it. Cap City in Austin, Texas. Hey, that's a big Jordan-Jesse-go town. Sure. It's a great town. It's a really great town. The comedy club is in one of the weirdest strip malls I've ever

seen in my life. You know what? I've got some important news for Austin. Yeah? If you don't go see Jackie Cation and Maria Bamford,

you're a fucking asshole. Yeah, you've lost your tiny minds. Feel free to save me from the only walking distance restaurant around the club,

which is an Applebee's. So you're asking Jordan Jesse Go listeners to take you out for dinner. Or to bring you food to the club, which is an Applebee's. So you're asking Jordan, Jesse, go listeners to take you out for dinner. Or to bring you food to the club. Someone bring me a sandwich. Turkey, a little Swiss. Be careful. People will bring you a sandwich. Wow.

I hope. The chicken. Bring Jackie Cage and something. Go see Jackie and Maria. What are you saying? Nice chicken salad? What are the dates we're looking at? Is the week leading up to New Year's?

Right, right. So I believe I get there the 29th. I'm doing the 29-30. Maria's doing 31. Or I think I'm doing 28-29. She's doing 30-31. There's no better place to be those four days in Austin, Texas than the Cap City Comedy Club.

And I want every person in Austin to tell me that they're a live music town. Yeah. Because I don't know that enough. Really? I hadn't heard that. I hadn't heard that. I hadn't heard that. Hey, how about this? Bring our friend Jackie Cation a nice brisket. How about a brisket? Right?

You like a brisket. I like a brisket. I'm not made of stone. Come on. That's not stone. I would like to thank Meredith and Jeremy who sent us some lovely cookies. There's a few if you guys would like one after the show. I would like to thank our friend Katie Spence, the very lovely Katie Spence of Austin, Texas, who sent us some delicious pecans, some candied pecans.

You guys are like the firemen of the 70s. You're getting free food from them. Yeah. I was trying to figure out what the fuck the firemen of the 70s meant. I'm free food from them. I was trying to figure out what the fuck the firemen of the 70s meant. I'm sorry I went old school on you. Well, candy, those candy pecans are delicious.

And gone. And we've, just thank you to everyone who's sent us things recently. We've gotten some Christmas cards and shit. Very kind of everyone who's been sending us stuff. I'm sorry that I didn't keep a careful list, uh our sincere thanks and uh we'll talk to you next oh wait uh can i say uh speaking of seattle god damn it speaking of seattle yeah get ready you're going down oh get ready to fucking eat it get ready to eat it. All right. Seattle. This Friday the 17th at Shorty's at 8 o'clock.

The greatest MaxFun meetup of all time will happen. Come on by if there's room to get in. Get there early because it's going to fill up with awesome partying. Jackie, that was my impression of what people are going to be doing if they show up to Jordan's bullshit meeting. Yeah, because they're too tired from all the partying we're going to do. Because they're too tired. That's them around 8 a.m. the next day. What kind of meeting is it?

Jordan's just going to. Are you the, got a gavel? What's going to happen with the meeting? We're just going to hang out and have a great time. Oh, so the meeting, you're talking, it's just a gathering. It's a meet up. It's a meet up. Yeah, we're meeting up.

If there's wings, like people might drink beer. Yeah, no, I think the bar has plentiful bar snacks. Nobody's come to your fucking meet-up, Jordan. So many people. Awesome people, celebrities. No celebrities are coming to you. Certain celebrities will come. I was in Seattle, okay?

I talked to Seattle celebrity, Luke Burbank. I had lunch with Seattle celebrity celebrity Luke Burbank. I had lunch with Seattle celebrity Luke Burbank. Luke Burbank happens to have tickets to the Nutcracker the night of your little meetup. Luke Burbank was like... Maybe Ursula Le Guin will come. She lives in Seattle. Oh, great. I'll take her.

Maybe Sir Mix-a-Lot will come. Mud Honey. Maybe will be there. I don't know. If they can get in. Jordan, nobody's going to come. This is December 17th, 8 p.m. at Shorty's in Seattle

that no one is going to come to. I predict more people are going to come. More Jordan Jesse Go fans are going to be at Jackie and Maria's shows in Austin, Texas. Let's just see. All right. Throw down.

You're not even going to have a celebrity. You're not even going to have a celebrity you're not even going to have a celebrity like I had in Washington D.C. you know what I had? I had black people that liked the Beastie Boys that's pretty good I bet I will have a cooler person than that though yeah we'll see

we'll see we'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go