Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 158: Prison Tatoos with Curtis Gwinn

Episode Date: December 20, 2010

Curtis Gwinn joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about movies for children and adults of all ages, crazy interviews, and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan. Jesse. Go!

Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, Jesse, go. We're joined by comedy writer Curtis Gwynn to talk about movies, prison tattoos, and more. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris Boy Detective

joining us this week on the program you of course know him as the supervising producer of IFC TV's The Grid

you know him for his creative involvement in the Adult Swim television series Fat Guy Stuck in Internet in which you both wrote and acted, correct?

Yes, yes, I did. You had brawls on both sides of the camera. Yeah, it was a full investment. Kind of like Kenneth Branagh, would you say? Is that accurate? Sort of like Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet. It hurt twice as much when it was rejected by viewers and the network alike.

I've always thought some of Kenneth Branagh's writer, director, actor stuff is better. I liked his direction in Much Ado About Nothing, but I did not like the script that he wrote. It seemed unnecessarily confusing. I think we can all agree Thor's going to be great. Is Kenneth Branagh involved in Thor?

He's directing Thor. Oh, my. How does he get that job? Yeah, it seems like... Yeah, it seems like... He's never really shown a flair for directing, has he? No.

Or action, which... Yeah, no, it's... Well, I think he caught wind that Darren Aronofsky's doing The Wolverine 2. Yeah. Oh, sure. So he's got I think he caught wind that Darren Aronofsky's doing The Wolverine 2. Yeah, oh, sure. So he's got a... I mean, him and Aronofsky always have that kind of...

They just are bitter enemies. Right, right. Bitter, bitter enemies. Creative. It's always tit for tat with those two guys. Yep. And by tit for tat, you mean one is consistently great, while one lingers in obscurity for years upon years.

I mean, you know, Bronagh does a version of Hamlet in 1996. Sure. And Aronofsky comes back and does Black Swan in 2010. I mean, that's the kind of tit for tat. I am not opposed to the artsy director directing blockbuster film thing. Yeah. I am not opposed to Kenneth Branagh.

But I don't understand not opposed to Kenneth Branagh. But I don't understand what qualities in Kenneth Branagh they decided were appropriate for... Was it just because he's European? Yeah, well, I guess this Thor story from what I understand is going to be set

largely in the Viking world of Asgard. Sure. So it will not... I guess most of it will not take place in the real world of Asgard. Sure. So it will not, I guess most of it will not take place in the real world. Asgard. Oh, man, awesome. That's what I've got to do when I'm walking around West Hollywood. Oh, right, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Filled with prayers.

I get it. So I guess maybe they thought like, oh, he's done medieval-y stuff before, so he'll probably be good at this well i mean john favreau hadn't well i guess he did zathura but he hadn't really established himself as a big action director before he did iron man i think these guys just but he had done an action movie whereas kenneth branna has done none but all these guys hit the same age it's sort of like you know why does a big actor just start doing big budget? You know, they hit 40 and they're just like, you know, screw it.

I'm going to do big budget action movies as an actor. I think directors feel the same way. Why would I? But how does Kenneth Branagh get to pick his project? That's the real question. Like, I understand. You don't have to convince me why Kenneth Branagh would want to direct a huge motion picture. He doesn't have, he's not up to anything.

He's doing a West End production of Driving Miss Daisy. Yeah. Working on his American accent. Yeah. Why do they, why do the people at Disney or whoever it is that owns, isn't it Disney that owns Marvel Comics now? I think so.

Yeah. Why are those people, why do they look at a list of people who know how to make direct films, which Brandon does, he's directed films before. Sure. What is the quality of him? He looks kind of Scandinavian-y.

Yeah, he looks like he could direct the movie. He's blonde hair. He's tall. He's very sort of ashen and ruddy, I think. So I don't know. I mean, I think it's a situation where he's been nominated for several Academy Awards. So when you print your DVD box or your Blu-ray box or your Netflix symbol, whatever, it's going to say Academy Award director,

Kenneth Branagh directs this movie. It elevates the entire film. He won the special Academy Award for Shakespeare pronouncing, correct? Yes, he did. They did away with that category. Why did they ever do away with that? Yeah.

Hey, speaking of movies. Yeah. I learned recently that when the Beverly Hillbillies movie was released in Spain, it was retitled Rustic's Go to Money Town. Did you know that Knocked Up in China is One Night Big Belly? Is the one night big belly is knocked up. up gotcha yeah there's a great website i can't remember what it's called but your listeners will find it or they've had it already where it's all the the different movies translated into like the worst cult you know worst cultural

manglings from from country to country it's pretty pretty remarkable curtis quinn here of course jordan morris i'm jesse thorne we'll have more of Jordan Jesse Go in just a minute. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Curtis Gwynn. I'm sitting in with these guys today. They're kind enough to invite me.

You can think of a snappy nickname if you want to. No, no. I thought that was his snappy nickname. That is my snappy nickname. Just a very literal explanation of what's going on. During algebra class, if you take a look at his notebook for algebra class, there is just a long list of rocket-themed ones and big dick-themed ones.

Just page after page of possible nicknames, and that's what he settled on. Sure. Okay, fine. How about Uncomfortable Third Wheel? No. Or Squint Uncomfortable. I think that torpedoes your appearance before it's even begun. No, it does what I like to do, which is you set a very low standard and bar.

Sure. And then when people are surprised by when you're competent. And then you only have to be competent. You don't even have to be extraordinary. You understand that we're trying to get people to like our show, though. Yes, but I think it's a combination of feeling bad for me right away, and then on top of it, surprised and their expectations exceeded, they'll go, wow, this guy,

he's really something exceptional. That's just a trick. This is what I think might happen. And maybe I'm projecting here in the mind of the audience. They listen, they say, who is this sad sack guest? I'm going to open up my information phone

and I click around a little bit and I'm going to listen to one of those Kevin Smith weddings. That's $5,000 worth of entertainment. Does the they record those weddings? They record weddings.

I didn't know they did them, but I didn't know they recorded them. For a wedding podcast. You guys ever going to do something like that? I did a wedding, but I foolishly did not charge $5,000, which was just a catastrophic mistake on my part. That's an error. We have been thinking about podcasting the dog fights we host.

You guys host dog fights and you don't record them. Yeah, I mean, it's weird because it's like, you know, there's a visual element to it, which is the dogs killing each other. Would you guys describe it? Would you guys be the hosts of it? I mean, I think, Curtis, if you've ever been to a dog fight, you know that what you're really there for is the banter. Sure.

Yeah. Well, of course. The play-by-play. It's friendships, and it's funny, and it's the fun people that you meet. It's not really the dogs killing each other. Yeah. We love interviews with the dog's owners and people who are betting on the fight. Sure.

The characters, the colorful characters that make up a dogfight crowd. Sure. Right. Absolutely. You get it. Absolutely. Just the other day characters, the colorful characters that make up a dogfight crowd. Sure. Right, absolutely. You get it. Absolutely. Just the other day, Phil Spector was at one of our dogfights. How in the world did Phil Spector get out of jail for his dogfight?

Oh, we had the dogfight in the jail. They allowed... This is outrageous. My money goes... People like Phil Spector in jail are allowed to have dogfights brought to their cell? To be fair, we smuggled the dogs in up our butts. How did you? Okay, never. Alright.

Now I know you're pulling my leg. Because I'm looking at your guys' butts right now and they're not big enough to hide a dog in them. I am bent over and my butt is open towards you. To give you a chance to accurately gauge the size of my rectal cavity. I see a small

tea party set up and I see a little tree, and I see a squirrel, but I don't see, there's no dog in there. This is a lie. Are you sure you're not looking through the looking glass? Oh, my God. The looking glass is in your butt. Is there a white rabbit in there? There is. How did you get the looking glass in your butt?

A mad hatter, perhaps. We're just having some fun, you know? This whole magical ass world sounds better than that last Narnia movie, am I right? Hey. Good job. Thank you. I just learned, I had no idea that Harry Potter takes place in a world with cafes until I watched, I was watching the David Letterman show and one of the stars from Harry

Potter was on it a lovely young woman was on there whose name I don't remember but she plays Harry Potter or something Yngwie or something Yngwie Malmsteen and um so anyway Yngwie said we're gonna see a clip from the film and they're sitting in like a cafe eating sandwiches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was, I thought the whole, I thought it took place in a magical fantasy world. It does, but no, I saw the film. Right, which one? Did you know there's been more than one? I can't believe that either. There's nine or ten.

I don't believe that the most successful book franchise of all time has been turned into several movies. No, no, I don't know. I didn't see any of them. It's just a good business movie. I didn't read any the most successful book franchise of all time has been turned into several movies. No. No. I don't know. I didn't see any of them. It's just a good business movie. I didn't read any of the books either. I've seen every single one. I don't think...

I don't believe that this is a successful book franchise, Jordan. I've never read them. It's the most of all time. How come I haven't read them? The most of all time. What about the Bible? No. Trump's Bible.

It beats the... Are you going on record with this? And then what about Christmas Carol or something? Is those more than the Christmas Carol? Yeah. Curtis, just so you know, Jordan isn't basing this on sales. He's basing it on his own complicated literary Rochambeau game. Sure.

So, well, okay, never mind. Well, in any case, they go into Earth. Well, they're always on Earth. Yeah. But they go from their magical world to our world. But there's a magical realm that non-wizards are not aware of. So they live where? Under the ocean.

Under a dome under the ocean. They live... With Aquaman. And Namor. Or Namor. What's his name? I forget. No, Namor the Submariner.

Yeah, the Submariner. But yeah, they live in some fantasy world. And also Edgar Martinez, the Submariner. Yeah, the Submariner. But they live in some fantasy world. And also Edgar Martinez, the Seattle Mariner. Yes. Someone who should be the first DH Hall of Famer, I believe. That's an interesting assertion. Because he's been a DH his entire career. Jordan, he's been a DH, designated hitter.

I think he's retired now. I'd say he certainly surpassed Harold Baines as the greatest designated hitter of all time. Absolutely. Absolutely. So they live under the sea. Yes. And there's Yoda, there's... Talking Sponge. Talking Sponge.

There's... Who's it and what's it's galore. There's all sorts of things down there. And they can breathe even outside the dome, they can breathe underwater. Curtis, can I ask you a question? Yeah. They got thingamabobs? They got all sorts of thingamabobs.

They got webbed feet and thingamabobs. And they swim around, and they have adventures with one another. It's Harry and Yngwie and the other one. And they swim around. They have a nice time. But occasionally, something like a TIE fighter will attack or whatever and they gotta go into our world

and they come up for sandwiches for well not exclusively they essentially in the clip that I saw they had a shootout that looked like

it should be in it looked like it should be in some kind of gangland film like something taking place

in an Italian restaurant or like a Chinese restaurant with Italians eating in it. It seems like when people are trying to convince you to see a kid's movie, to convince an adult to see a kid's movie, or read a kid's book or to ingest some sort of media that's primarily for kids, the argument is always, oh, it's dark. Oh, it's dark. And that's what people say about every Harry Potter movie is always, oh, it's dark. Oh, it's dark. And that's what people say about every Harry Potter movie. Oh, no, you'll like this one.

It is dark. Yeah, the assumption is that you are now a malignant fuck who only wants to see dark things. People really seem to think... I don't see a lot of dark material for adults. That's the name of another children's book, his dark materials as a Harry Potter. That's another one.

People really do seem to... I guess I see a fair amount of adult dark material. But people really do seem to see the difference between children's material and adult material as specifically darkness. Or swearing.

I remember people would tell you about when I was 10 years old as a comic book reader, people would tell you about, when I was, you know, 10 years old, I was a comic book reader. People would tell you about which comic books were for adults, you know, which were like the ones that proved they were just the ones with more brutal violence.

It was the same themes, but more brutal. This is the Jim Lee era of image comics. Yeah, this is exactly, this would be the Jim Lee era. Or Savage Dragons. And immediately before the sort of... Spawn. Yeah, your various... Batman brooding about things.

Yeah, I remember very clearly thinking that Spawn, like you guys had referenced Spawn, was very adult when I was a kid. And I remember watching that cartoon. And I guess I was, I don't know, late teens or maybe when that cartoon came out on HBO. And I remember thinking it was very sophisticated to watch Spawn. I was like, well, this is what, this is the cartoons that adults watch, Spawn and everything

else. And now when I go back and look at it, you're like, oh, I don't know. It really is for teenagers. So you've revisited Spawn since? No, no, no. That was a lie. I haven't revisited Spawn. But if... In your mind. In my mind's eye when I, I imagined myself re-watching Spawn since. No, no, no. That was a lie. I haven't revisited Spawn. In your mind. In my mind's eye. I imagined

myself re-watching Spawn and I imagined kind of scoffing. I think that's a legitimate strategy. Is there something you can do to kids' entertainment to where kids think they're watching something for adults? It seems like that's setting your Harry Potter movies in an urban wasteland. I watched something for adults right like it seems like and that's i will tell you harry potter movies and uh i watched urban wasteland i watched today uh and at least theoretically children's entertainment the the film where the wild things are oh yeah um holy christ that was like the bleakest film i've ever seen in my entire life yeah like i Like, I've always, look, I've always been an

advocate of elements of darkness in children's entertainment. I don't think it makes it not be for children. But certainly, I've always been a big defender of Babe, Pig, and the City. Yeah, it's great. I think it's good, if not better than the original. Great, thank you. And I appreciate that, Curtis.

Jordan just makes fun of me, but I appreciate your support. I have never seen the film. It's great. It's really terrific. But anyway, I am a supporter. I am not against it at all. However, as an adult, I can say that Where the Wild Things Are provoked basically a 100-minute existential crisis for me that I'm still struggling to deal with,

and I finished watching it like three, four hours ago now. Yeah, yeah. I didn't, you know, I saw, I also, I think every children's, any great piece of children's material is gonna, just like a great piece of adult material, not pornography, but adult. Not excluding pornography.

Not excluding pornography. You're not excluding like a well-made porno. No, of course. You know, something... Like the Avatar parody. Sure, Behind the Green Door, whatever.

Sure. But it's... We kind of went different directions. I went Avatar parody, you went Behind the Green Door. I went classic 70s. Sure.

They all have elements of danger. They all have very, very large elements of danger. And they should have elements of danger because then a kid

kind of gets introduced to this idea and it's exciting. And I remember as elements of danger because then a kid kind of gets introduced to this idea and it's exciting. And I remember as a kid, those are the things that even if they sort of frighten me, they definitely stuck with me. Sure. And I've come to appreciate over time.

What I didn't like about... Where the wild things are. Where the wild things are, though I like Spike Jonze quite a bit, I thought it was... I just didn't like... First of all, I didn't think the voices were appropriate at all. James Gandolfini and it was, I just didn't like, first of all, I didn't think the voices were appropriate at all.

James Gandolfini, and it was just like, it just sounded cheesy. Like seeing these wonderful sort of beastly creations. And then, and I like James Gandolfini too, but it just seemed like a cop out. You're like, you're not really making it dark. Because these guys are like, hey, how's it going? I'm the wild thing. How are you? And I just thought that was ridiculous.

Owen, I'm the wild thing. How are you? And I just thought that was ridiculous. When I was shocked by in the film, and I actually, I mean, I can't say, I can say that it mostly upset me as an emotional effect. And for that reason, I'm inclined to say that I didn't like it. However, I think I probably did see it

as a successful film on the terms it was shooting for. But holy mackerel, like, you know, normally in a traditional dark children's film, there are scary challenges which are overcome. I think the themes in, I saw the Mike Lee movie the other day, Another Year, which I think is either just out or just coming out. I saw it in a, like a, you know, press screening, but it's either just coming out or just out, depending on where you live in the country. And it's basically, I don't know if you're familiar with the movies of Mike Lee, but essentially he's a British director. He directed Secrets and Lies, among other movies, and he sort of gets together a group of actors with a sort of idea for a theme

and maybe a little bit of an outline or a situation. And then they workshop over the course of weeks and months the script for a film together through improvisation and all these different techniques that he's developed over 30 years. And then they make these films. And the result is these very naturalistic, just the best acting you'll ever see in a movie. And just really, they're very powerful and beautiful but also very little tends to happen in them um and you know maybe there's just one

inciting incident and then it's just dealing with the consequences of that something like that and this movie was basically it was sort of about getting older and death it was a really beautiful sort of excavation of that and something you don't see a lot in the movies and um and sort of the the ultimate message of it was just acceptance of the way that life moves you know it's about the way that and i kind of feel like that was as close to a triumph as where the wild things are got. Like all these, like even the most joyful parts of Where the Wild Things Are, you were just

burdened in your soul by the knowledge that this was going to turn out horribly. Like you could see at every moment. And also, none of the jokes were funny. I don't remember any jokes, honestly. I felt like there were some attempts at kind of cutesy-poo humor.

I just hated Where the Wild Things Are to my very core. I was disappointed. I didn't totally hate it. I was angry at it. I came out a little disappointed. That's why I like Jack Frost. Michael Keaton's Jack Frost. That's the best dark children's movie, I think.

Your father dies. He comes back as a snowman. A wisecracking snowman. A wisecracking snowman. A wisecracking snowman. Are you trying to use the same technique on the movie Jack Frost that you were originally going to use on our podcast? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, you like Mike Lee and those movies.

And I think that this movie, Jack Frost, does the same thing. I heard that that director, I don't know who it was, also assembled Michael Keaton and those actors. Sure. And he said, what would happen if... You know who directed Jack Frost,

the guy who directed all of Mr. Show? You're kidding me. No, he directed Jack Frost. Troy Miller? Troy Miller. Troy Miller. Troy Miller. Sorry, Troy.

Who also, I think, he works extensively on, or worked extensively on Flight of the Conchords. Yes, Troy works a ton. He's, he's done a lot of work. I think he did some stuff with UCB as well. If I'm not mistaken,

I might be mistaken about that. At one point, at one point, Bob and David hated him for allegedly ruining their horrible movie. Yes,

Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run.

Their disastrous movie. Yeah. That couldn't have been saved by anything. Yeah. It does have some very funny stuff in it. Yeah, it's not much of a home run. It was one of those movies

I was very disappointed by. Yeah, I feel like they blamed the editing a lot for that. I remember watching it and trying to imagine a way in which the editing wouldn't have... And again, there totally is funny stuff in there. But it was ill-conceived, I think, was the problem, right? Yeah, I don't think it was the

movie to make. But anyway, he directed Jack Frost. Wow. That was his other big feature credit. Well, I'm saying I'm lauding Jack Frost. Sincerely. Sincerely. Oh, I can tell.

And I think that they got peak performances out of Michael Keaton in a mostly voiceover role. So the secret to getting a good performance out of Keaton is... Right. Well, you've got to go to Time Machine or he's got to be CGI. Did you see the other guys? Yeah, I thought he was pretty good in the other guys. He was good. I like Michael Keaton.

I root for him. I want him to come back. He's good in Toy Story 3. Yes, he is good. He is good. Nothing wrong with Michael Keaton. That guy is great. That guy is great.

I loved him. Growing up, he was one of my comed is great. I loved him growing up. He was one of my comedic heroes. I loved him. Looking an out of sight. How great is he an out of sight? Dream Team. So many good movies. Gung Ho.

Mr. Mom. Batman. Johnny Dangerously. Johnny Dangerously. Yeah. These are all Michael Keaton movies. We've listed. We've listed most of them, I think.

Heath is featured in all these films. Jordan, I need to ask you about something important, which is Michael Keaton got my mind towards it. It is the vein of actors, character actors of the 1990s and 2000s who often turn in surprisingly impressive performances in small roles. Michael Keaton's part in Out of Sight. And I'm wondering what your story is that you alluded to before the broadcast with Ving Rames. Yeah, I had to do a press junket situation with Ving Rames. For those of you not familiar with the lingo, press junket one of these things,

a celebrity is in a room, reporters kind of line up and spend four minutes with the celebrity asking them questions. I think we should also explain who Ving Rhames is just in case. Yeah, someone wasn't... What is he best known for?

Marcellus Wallace from Pulp Fiction. Yeah, Pulp Fiction is his... The head gangster. He was also a pitchman for Radio Shack for quite some time, wasn't he? Yes. Alongside Howie Long and Terry Hatcher? He was Kingpin in the Daredevil movie. Yeah.

That didn't make any sense. No. Are you sure? I think you're racist. I think it was Michael Clarke Duncan. Yeah, I think Michael Clarke Duncan was. Yeah, maybe. No, no, I think it was actually, I think you guys are racist.

I don't think so. You're thinking of Michael Clarke Duncan. Somebody in this room is racist. Someone is was. Yeah, maybe. No, no, I think it was actually, I think you guys are racist. I don't think so. You're thinking of Michael Clark Duncan. Somebody in this room is racist. Someone is racist. Someone is racist. You're thinking of Michael Clark Duncan who played Balrog in the Street Fighter Legend of Chun-Li. No, I think that was William the Refrigerator Perry who did that. Oh, yeah, I think you're right.

Well, anyways, Jesse is looking up Ving Rhames' popular black. Sure. Popular acting black man. Uh-huh. Anyways, so I was interviewing him for the movie, the direct-to-DVD movie, Death Race 2. Ooh. This is, of course, based on the Death Race remake from a few years ago. Didn't you really love the Death Race remake?

You know, Death Race remake is good. Oh, stop. It's a ton of fun. That can't be true. It is. It's fun. You should watch it. It's a ton of fun.

You're a discerning fellow. Statham? Statham is in it? Statham is not a selling point to me. Really? You don't like watching him kick a guy in the face and then drive a car and grab a woman by your crotch? It looks like Michael Clark Duncan played Wilson Fisk slash the Kingpin in 2003's Daredevils.

Jordan, it's the basis. There we go. I do a little dance to that chant, by the way. I hear it so much. To be fair, maybe you were confused because you thought he couldn't have been in that because he was too busy with his part in The Land Before Time 11, Invasion of the Tiny-sauruses. Whoa. What?

There's 11 Land Before Times? Wow.asion of the Tinesauruses. Whoa. What? There's 11 Land Before Times? Wow. They've been making that seriously. I remember when Land Before Time came out. Sure, yeah. I think I was like a freshman in high school or something. I mean, that was when Don Bluth just had carte blanche to make whatever he wanted to. Yeah, he was the Bob Evans of that era.

He was riding high off an American tail. Fievel goes west. Fievel's going to go west. I'm sorry, we have no money for Fievel. He's going west off an American tail. Fievel goes west. Fievel's going to go west. I'm sorry, we have no money for Fievel. He's going west! I do what I want to do. Bluth does what he wants. That's him doing blow.

As he's screaming at someone. He doesn't care if it costs more to do a period film. Exactly. I want the costumes. Everything will be to scale. What's the cost? Bluth. Classic.

I want all original cars. No repros. I don't want any repros. I want classic cars from the time. It's the old west. There were no cars. I want real talking mice. Get me real talking mice.

What? And then you'll animate them? Yes. I want them for inspiration. Then I'm going to animate them. They will do their own voiceovers. You can't draw voices. You can't draw voices.

Bluth can. Bluth can. Shouldn't he be talking in a crazy French accent? Is he French? I think so, right? Is Don Bluth French? I don't know.

Was he involved in Cool World? No, that's Baxi. That's the other guy? Ralph Baxi. Oh, sorry. Sorry, God, forgive me. Yeah, Baxi's a whole other kettle of fish. So anyway, Ving Rhames.

I was reading this kind of film anthology book recently, and they talked about Cool World as one of the worst movies ever made. Has anyone seen it? Yeah, I've seen it many times. Is that accurate? Has he seen it? Yeah, I've seen it many times. Is that accurate? It's Brad Pitt and Gabriel Byrne.

Okay. And Brad Pitt's been sucked in. He was a military guy in World War II. He gets sucked into this animation world. And then Gabriel Byrne's in jail, and he gets sucked in. He's an artist. I guess he's playing Ralph Baggi, and then he gets sucked into the world. And then they have

an adventure sort of like a toontown adventure if you had only one word to describe this world what would it be um

oh god the more will be said with the inflection I guess right boring you know I think it's

not cool no it's definitely not a cool world it's really violent and dangerous and humans in the world are really hated and it's not cool

at all and I don't get it it's like very crime written it's Ralph Bakshi it's sort of a remake of Bedknobs and Broomsticks sure

exactly exactly you know Ralph Bakshi I just you know he's like he's a very feisty I've never heard the name before

he did the movie version. His first movie was the movie version of R. Crumb's Fritz the Cat. Oh. And R. Crumb just disavowed it. He was like, this is the opposite of what my character is. This is horrible.

Because it was all anti-hippie. It was a very anti-hippie movie. Just like R. Crumb. Yes. Yeah, exactly like R. Crumb. And then Wizard, he did wizards uh which is a really weird sort of world war ii-ish fantasy sort of thing and then he did lord of the rings uh the original lord of the rings animated films and he flipped out when peter jackson came out with

these movies he's like he stole from me peter Peter Jackson's a thief. He stole everything. It's like, wait a minute. You were both drawn from the same source material. He's like, no, the imagery. They don't look anything alike. It's this rotoscoping. It looks crazy. I liked it because it was very psychedelic. And as a kid, even

though I didn't know what psychedelia was, I liked that weird imagery. You liked to get high. I loved to get high. Right. But not on... You were smoking nutmeg at the time, of course. I was just nutmeg. It was pre-Salvia days.

We didn't know what to do. We just smoked nutmeg. What did kids do before Salvia? Yeah, sure. You steal booze from your parents' liquor cabinet, which is kind of what I did. And then I... Did you fill it up a little bit with water? Did you like...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, my dad didn't notice. I don't think he... He had his bar, but he never had to check. I don't know. He never noticed. I don't know. He never noticed.

Jesus, he never noticed. You were just trying to get attention by stealing booze. Oh, God, where the wild things are. Oh, God. So, anyway, Ving Rhames. Ving Rhames. I've always liked Ving Rhames. Same here.

As an actor. He's very captivating. I've always wondered why he's not, you know, he's sort of stumbled along in his career. Yeah, and, you know, even in this direct-to-DVD sequel to a remake, he's good. He plays the kind of psycho warden of the prison. He's very funny in it. Real mean. Sure.

Anyway, so... What race is he in the movie? He's a black man. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Michael Clark Duncan-like in that sense. Right, exactly.

Gotcha. Playing his race, they call it in Hollywood. Uh-huh. Sure. I go in for auditions where I'm auditioning against race, which is another Hollywood term. You've got to. You've just got to audition against race.

Sure. That's when you pull back your eyes. And you audition to be Mr. Biaghi. Sure. Right. It's disturbing. It's disturbing. It is.

It does not get you any roles. No. People just look down at you. Well, why do you think you've been in movies, a movie? I haven't been in any movies. It's because I keep going in for Mr. Miyagi. Yeah, you can't. And who was, why are they casting Mr. Miyagi all the time?

What is, what in the world is going on? I think you've been. Well, after the success of. I'm getting pranked. I think you're getting pranked. No, because after the success of it, they added Mr. Miyagi characters. They just usually get taken out in editing. Oh, I didn't know that's a Hollywood secret.

Yeah, yeah. Most movies in their original cut, the producer's cut, they call it, has a sagely Asian man. That's kind of like an Alan Smith-y slash, what is it, the German, what's the guy's? The Scream. Edvard Munch?

No, no, no. You guys know about that, right? It's the something Scream. I can't remember. Oh, the Wilhelm Scream. The Wilhelm Scream. These are little bits of trivia. Well, I don't know what that is.

It's a scream that you hear in every movie. Every movie that needs a scream, they've been using the same stock scream about one third of screams, men's dying screams. And directors like to use it because it's like a tradition. Oh, funny. I didn't know that. It's in Star Wars. It's in The Raiders of the Lost Ark. I think it was from a Tarzan movie originally or something.

Somebody gets eaten by a crocodile or something, and they scream really wildly. It's like a really outrageous scream. Would I recognize? I mean, because I can- You would recognize it. I can think of a popular scream in my head right now that I've heard a lot. And I'm thinking maybe... That's probably the one.

Is that the one? In Return of the Jedi, they do it. It's when they break into the bunker where the shield is being generated from for the protective Death Star. And I think Chewbacca or somebody knocks somebody over a railing. And he goes like, ah! It's like this crazy scream. It's a really outrageous scream

interesting so being raised so being rames uh and uh this uh well doc i've explained about just in case for some reason you're listening to the show for the first time uh for my junket interviews for fuel tv i do like a funny bit i don't usually talk about the movie i do like a funny bit and this i'm wearing this kind of orange prison jumpsuit and a do-rag, and I'm having people give me prison tattoos with like a magic marker. But I'm saying my goal is to be the toughest prison gang leader of all time. Here, Jordan, I'm just going to... Oh, this is Wilhelm's scream.

Yeah. Here we go. Wilhelm! Yeah, I'll just fill my pipe! Here we go Huh, that was not the scream I was thinking of No, this is just it In various films It's in like dozens of movies These are movies from like the 50s too

Interesting Yeah Is that one like movie It's in like dozens of movies. These are movies from like the 50s too. Interesting. Yeah. And now like modern directors. Is that one like movie, is that like one film studio that uses all those? Is that like in every Paramount movie or something? I don't know. Some of those were from the 50s,

so you got to think, I wonder if anybody controls that copyright. I don't think they do, because Lucas puts it in Fox. Those are Star Wars and Fox movies, and Spielberg uses it for Paramount stuff. I mean, I think it's across, I think it's open or

something. And it's a little reference that sound designers and sound editors put into stuff. This is really neat. I think that's very neat, guys. I'm delighted by how neat that is. Okay, so Ving Rhames. Ving Rhames. You're trying to be the toughest prison guy. That was your bit. That neat that is. Okay, so Ving Rhames. Ving Rhames. You're trying to be the toughest prison guy. That was your bit?

That was my bit. Okay. Anyway, so as soon as I get there, people are coming up to me. People from the publicity firm are coming up to me and asking me, what are you going to do with Ving Rhames? And I explain the thing. He's like, okay. And then they list these things that I can't say to Ving Rhames.

They're like, you can't ask him about the original death race you can't say anything that implies you haven't seen death race 2 yet you can't like say you can't like ask him to describe something that you should know about like it's so they're really on edge and i guess he's been like shutting people down and sending reporters away. And let's be clear. Asking someone to describe something that you should know about is the basis of interviewing. Right. Sure.

That's essentially what interviewing is. Making this all the more unreasonable. You try and figure out what someone has to say that's interesting, and then you ask them to say that to you. Sure. Yes. There's a clip. I think we talked about it earlier.

Paul Scheer, he was in Piranha 3D with Ving Rhames, and he was telling stories in the Onion AV Club. There's a link. If you guys check out the Onion AV Club with Paul Scheer's interview, there's a link to a radio interview. Paul says if you want to know what Ving Rhames is like, listen to this promotional Piranha 3D

talking he does with these radio hosts. So if you can find it, it's on YouTube. Definitely look it up. Yes. I did not know, I guess Ving Rhames has a history of being nuts. But I did not know this going into it. So, you know, from the second i walk in there to the second before i go into the door i have different

publicists from different sides of this thing coming up to me and i don't think it was just because i was wearing a do-rag they seem to be doing this to everyone like they seem to be just like overly prepping everybody to deal with this unpleasantness. Did your orange jumpsuit have sleeves? No. No. Were they picking on you specifically? Again, no.

Sure. Were you allowed to have a belt? No. No shoelaces, no belt. Sure. Don't look him in the eye. no shoelaces, no belt. Sure.

Don't look him in the eye. So I go in there and I sit down and he basically immediately and unpromptedly starts talking about George Bush. Right. Just complain, just talking about George Bush. And I'm going to try and, I realize me trying to do his voice will sound racist. Right.

But I feel like it helps the story. And you've established already a reputation for racism within the context of this program. Michael Clark Duncan, who played the villain in the Daredevil remake. Daredevil remake? Daredevil movie. Yeah. If you do some Song of the South,

stepping and fetching voice, because that's not what Bing Raim sounds like. No, no. I will be playing the spoons, though. Oh, no. He has sort of a deep Julie Andrews type voice. Yes, he does. That's right.

So he's just like, you know, George Bush ruled the country with fear. You know, and just all this stuff. And I don't know how that started. I still can't. I must have said something to prompt that, but he's basically like, the Bush administration

ruled the country with fear. They used misinformation, you know, to turn the people into sheep. Anyways, sure, I would maybe argue that George Bush

was a lousy president, but why are we still talking about this at a press thing for Death Race 2 directed DVD? In which you're in character. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't believe this at a press thing for death race 2 directed dvd in which you're in character right yeah yeah i believe there is a press thing for death race 2 that seems that's the most shocking thing about the story yeah uh who's the press who's setting

this up uh i i don't know it was the first i yeah it's the first directed dvd press thing i'd ever been to wow uh it's i guess a little more high profile than your usual direct-to-DVD thing. I mean, with the success of Death Race. Sure. Well, you're right. I forgot. Death Race was so big.

It was huge. It wasn't Jack Frost big. No, well, nothing is. Thanks for bringing up Jack Frost because I do want to say that that is a big thing.

Many times. Many times. Sorry, Bing Rams. So then I said, then I just said, do you want to give me a prison tattoo? And he's like, you want to see a prison tattoo? I'll show you a prison tattoo. And he lifts up his shirt.

He takes off his jacket and lifts up his shirt and reveals a chest covered in scars. Covered in deep, horrible scars. And he's pointing to it. And he's like, yeah, that's a prison tattoo. And so I move to leave. I just move to leave. I just want out of there. You're genuinely afraid.

I feel like I'm... As a racist. As a racist. And a man who's much smaller and less forceful than Ving Rhames. Sure. Yes. He's like, and then I get to leave. And he's like, hey, yo less forceful than Ving Rhames. Sure. Yes. He's like, and then I get to, and he's like, hey, yo, you want me to give you a prison tattoo? I'll give you a prison tattoo.

And he takes one of my magic markers and draws X's over my eyes. And then I leave. And I sit down to do my next interview. And then the publicist comes and taps me. And she's like,

there was a problem with your tape. So we're going to need you to come in and do the interview with Fing again. Oh, my. Which is like asking me to relive the most terrifying four minutes of my life. I don't want to do it. Like, I'm terrified and creeped out. But I'm like, well, I should just do it. So I go back in.

And I sit down. And before the camera's on, he's like, have you really ever been to prison? I'm like, I don't know if I thought this would be funny or why I said it. I'm like, no, but I did go to college at UC Santa Cruz. Zing on Santa Cruz. Yeah, I don't know what that... Just something I said. I don't even know...

I don't even understand why I said it myself. That's like a t-shirt. At the end of the day, we did go to UC Santa Cruz, and that is a funny college. Sure, it's a funny thing to say to Ving Rhames when you're afraid of him. All right. And so the thing starts up again,

Uh, and so the thing starts up again, and he just, like, yells offscreen to somebody. Like, he's, I think he knows what he's doing at this point. He's yelling to someone. He's like, get my 9mm! Get my 9mm! And he's like, you know what that does? Bam! Kills you dead!

And then I'm, I don't know what he's talking about. He's like, alright, you want want a tattoo Take off that jumpsuit can you take off that Ridiculous ass jumpsuit And I'm like uh yeah I guess I can so I unzip it I don't have a shirt on underneath He's like turn around turn around So I kind of get on my knees In this director's chair with this jumpsuit

Hanging at my waist And he takes the magic marker And writes sorry mom on my back and he's like in prison that's a tattoo they give you when you're somebody's bitch and now you're my bitch and then i reach over to shake his hand i'm like well thank you very much and i reach over to shake his hand he's like whoa i'm not gay and that was it wow it's. It's the craziest thing in the world. Wow. Yeah.

So they were cool with, they were like, that was great. The publicist came out and was like, no, that was good. That was the one we wanted. That was the one. That's the one. And I'm guessing that first time, I'm guessing there was nothing wrong with the tape and they just thought he was too crazy. But why would they then ask you to come back in for a second go-round?

I've done that a couple of times where the publicists haven't liked the goofy thing that I did, and they just don't give you the tape. Like when you leave, they give you a bag with your tapes in it, and they just don't include the tape. And then when you ask them why, they're just like, oh, they didn't like that one. So yeah, they don't really ask you to redo it, but in this case they did. And for some reason that other thing they were happy with. Anyways.

That's crazy. It was nuts. That is insane. Why does he get to act like that, I wonder? Well, what's amazing to me, honestly, is as know, has done a few little talent things here or there and has seen some few little Hollywood things here or there happen, I'm always stunned at the extent to which someone who's in front of the camera doing whatever, it seems to be almost expected that they will behave weirdly unprofessionally yes and that there's these other people and they're like oh it's my job to make sure that he sure you know what i mean well i think that that that um actors are are crazy for the most part and great actors not all i mean not all but many many many i was was just, there's a great, if you want to,

like, you guys all know Rip Torn, of course. Yeah. Yeah, and I love Rip Torn. He's great. There is this amazing clip of him. Now, in this, I think it's the late 60s, Norman Mailer wanted to make an art film about him as a president.

He's the president. And he hired Rip Torn to play his assassin, the guy who's trying to kill the president in the movie. But it's very artsy-fartsy. It's like, you know, just rolling hills. It's a very 60s hippie art film. Was it made in the 60s? Yeah, it was made in the 60s.

And online, there was a clip of the movie. They just never stopped rolling camera. They just kept the camera rolling and as norman mailer and he's this president he's playing this president but he's just walking through like a grassy field and riptorn runs up to him with a hammer and whacks him over the head with a hammer and he goes down and he's bleeding and he's like jesus christ rip cut cut it out stop it stop and it's all real and riptorn's like come on baby I'm taking it to the end of the line, baby. What?

He's got this crazy voice. He's like, you knew when I took this role, baby. You knew I was going, you're going to have to cool out, baby. Cool out, cool out. Norman Miller's like, get out of here.

Just cut the shit. He's bleeding. And then they start wrestling with each other and beating each other. And they finally, Norman Miller's family is there. His little children and his wife are like screaming. Rip Torn gets off him and he's like,

and he looks insane. He's just got this grin and he's just like, he's like, you're a whorehouse, Norman Miller. You're a whorehouse. I thought you brought me out here to make a real movie. You're a whorehouse? It's amazing. I mean, it's online.

That was the first probably appearance of the Ripiptorn that later woke up inside a bank. Yes, exactly. Exactly. I mean, these guys are just so crazy. I mean, this is, you know. With a gun. Didn't he have a gun, too? Yes.

He broke into a bank. He's like, my medication. With a gun and fell asleep. Yeah, I was tired. I fell asleep and I got my gun out of my hand. I don't know what happened. I'm old. I'm tired. i'm old i'm tired i'm old i robbed banks there seems to be just be a general attitude that that kind of thing is fine because there's other people whose job i think it's almost like it's almost like a

make work program for the like producery type people whose job it is to make to point these people in the right direction right like is that what's going on i don't know i i don't know it's like i feel like i've yeah i almost feel like if i'm if i like show up on time and am professional it's doing a job or something and there's obviously nothing to do with the television program. We both work on the grid where everybody is exceedingly kind. But I almost feel like if I show up and am professional, it's sort of like a disappointment and I'm probably not that talented. I think that that's insanely true.

I do. I think that's true. The people are titillated by the expectation that someone's crazy. We all joke about this guy's crazy or this girl's crazy, they're so outlandish. And maybe you don't want to personally be with them. But it's almost as if they exist in this pantheon of performers. And people are kind of titillated by and excited by. Obviously, we have this whole culture of like,

oh, that person fucked up, or oh, that person acted crazy. And we love it. And they totally serve a role. I have to admit that if they had one of those Radio Shack commercials where Ving Rhames just took it to Howie Long with a hammer and just Terry Hatcher's just screaming and crying. Be cool. Be cool, Howie. Be cool.

It's so cool, baby. They're just trying to – Terry Hatcher's like crying and she's just trying to show the camera the Motorola StarTAC cellular phone. Get out of here, Ving. Get out of here. Get out of here. It's cool, Hallie. She's just like,

Tandy Sensation. Tandy Sensation. Now that would be honest. It would be so honest. Radio parts. And that's what we need more of in Radio Shack commercials is brutal, stark honesty. Radio Shack has been glossing over

The truth for so long You gotta dig You gotta get into it I can't understand Although they did move in the right direction When they shortened their name to The Shack That's true Although I thought about that the other day

Because I drove by a Radio Shack And I thought well they haven't taken off the sign. It's not changed to the shack outside. The shack was actually a compromise. The original suggestion of the agency they were working with was to change it to Angel Dust. Oh, well, that would have been a good move. People would have talked so much about the change from Radio Shack to Angel Dust. You want to build buzz.

That's where I want to get my extension cords. I mean, that's half the bad behavior of the really famous people. I mean, I honestly believe is that it's, you know, well, I got to get back in the news. Consciously or unconsciously, they go, I got to get back. Right.

What do I do? I can't be banal. I can't just do this interview and describe Death Rage 2, direct a DVD. I have to rant and rave. And the world that they're all in. Like, I was told an interesting story last night that Werner Herzog, I guess it's

on Funny or Die. There's a thing of him talking, real Werner Herzog. Where he's getting interviewed and he gets shot with an air pistol? No, I didn't. Because that's a thing never heard of that well now i'm gonna watch that you gotta go on your youtube and type in werner herzog shot interview well this is how he wants to continue the interview by the way after he gets shot in the face with an air pistol why wouldn't he of course he's werner herzog he's the best there's

a there's a thing he's it's it's on funny or I think, and he's just narrating. He's like, I was driving in Hollywood and a sports car cuts me off and goes hundreds of miles per hour. It crashes and flips over and the gas is leaking from the car and I pull over and I get out and I walk and who is there hanging upside down by his seatbelt but Joaquin Phoenix. And I go, can his seatbelt but joaquin phoenix

and i go can i help you joaquin and joaquin goes to light a cigarette i go i don't think you should do that there's gas pouring from your car and he pulls joaquin phoenix i mean vernon herzog saves joaquin phoenix from a car wreck it's jordan jesse go i want to talk some more about verner Herzog. We'll be back in just a second. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, I screwed it up. What about supervising producer? Supervising producer. I'm supervising producer. You know, I don't know how much longer I'm going to be supervising producer. Oh, no.

Are you being usurped? Are you getting demoted? No, I want to stay, because I really love, I actually really do love Michael and everyone there. The team behind IFC's The Grid. They're the nicest people in the world,

and they've been- They're spectacularly nice. Wonderful bosses and everything else. But I just was hired to executive produce and co-write Paul Scheer's new series for Adult Swim.

It's called NSS Send Up. And I think that's going to interfere. Line order, SVU. Yeah, it's NTFS, SVU, San Diego. And I think there's Even more in there SV Sport Utility

Yeah SUV I mean it's like A whole thing I don't even I'm working on it now And I don't even know The full title now

Off the top of my head It's like A long thing How many episodes Of that are they gonna do They're gonna do 12 Okay They're gonna do 12

15 minute You know Episodes And so We gotta work on that And I'm hoping to be able To do both You're the go to guy For 15 minute TV episodes Hey you need we've got to work on that. I'm hoping to be able to do both. You're the go-to guy for 15-minute TV episodes. If you need 15-minute television, I'm your man.

You go ahead. You peter out at around minute 16. That's the reality. Every show that I make that's more than 15 minutes gets really lethargic and sluggish in the third act. It just starts to come undone. It's pathetic. Yes, we all saw Pushing Daisies.

Did I make Pushing Daisies? Yeah, you did. I made Pushing Daisies? You did. I fucked up. You also made Dag. I made Dag too? What the fuck is the matter with me? Why does no one stop me? And the Tracy Morgan show. For a while you were doing network African American sitcoms.

Jesus. Yeah. Some of them... You and Greer would later collaborate on Chocolate News. Oh, my God. I never even watched any of the show. Yeah. You should have watched them. And where's the money? Frankly, you should have written more jokes.

You had quite a lost weekend, it sounded like. I can't... Well, I'm going to have to talk to Comedy Central about some royalties. I never got any checks for any of this stuff. Well, listen, gang. On Jordan Jesse Go, we have a policy. It's our Jumbotron policy, which is we will share a personal or business message for you. You just contact our development director, Teresa, at Teresa at MaximumFun.org.

Forward a certain amount of money, $100 for a personal announcement, $150 for a commercial announcement. We will share your announcement to all of our fans on the air. This week, watch back episodes of Chocolate News on Netflix On Demand. Well, wait until

my litigation pans out. I don't want people watching until I get a cut. We do have a personal message this week. Tim would like to wish Michelle a happy birthday. She's his beautiful wife.

I'm working from the description. I've just seen a photograph of Michelle. She lives in our program. She's probably pretty good looking. Yeah. So subjective anyway. 26-year-old woman. She's a beautiful woman.

That's a good age. That's a good age. Everybody needs to get a 26. Good bod. Yeah, got a nice tight bod. Tight bod, 26. Rocket bod. I don't think this is what Tim had in mind, did he? No, Tim asked us to talk about a nice tight bod. Okay, I got a nice tight bod. Tight bod at 26. I don't think this is what Tim had in mind,

did he? No, Tim asked us to talk about a nice tight bod. She asked us to bounce a quarter off that ass. Wow, Tim. He did. Huge cans. Anyway, Tim and Michelle went on a road trip, a 13,000

mile, two and a half month road trip that ended with their marriage in Las Vegas last year. Romantic. Wait, 13,000 miles? 13,000-mile, two-and-a-half-month road trip. They started in Fiji. And, wow. Drove their aqua car. Yeah.

But anyway, to the beautiful Michelle from Tim a very happy birthday if you have a message you want us to share on Jordan Jesse go email Teresa at MaximumFun.org if you have a wife you'd like us to ogle send JPEGs send nip slip pics up skirts and nip slip pics

we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Curtis Gwynn. Yep, that'll do it. Christian Science Monitor. Yeah, I like like it you cover the world yes we do i screwed it up again you have no you don't have any religious slant even though you would think

from the name that you do you're actually one of the world's finest newspapers exactly people assume from the christian science part that we're just going to be some wackadoos who go hey here's jesus and it's pretty scientific that's not how it works at all in Christian Science Monitor. You always have to worry a little bit about wackadoos. Yeah, well, I mean, of course. If you walk this earth long enough, you're going to bump into some wackadoos, and they're going to give you a little Slim Slam, you know? Yeah. Hey, I know about the old wackadoo Slim Slam.

Yeah. Wait, you guys aren't old-timey? You don't know old-timey? Yeah, I know. Look, here's the thing. Here on Jordan, Jesse, go. We ask our listeners to call in when something momentous happens to them for a segment called Momentous Occasions.

Terrific. So when something amazing happens to them, we ask they call 206-9844-FUN and report back to us. We have some momentous occasions this week on the program. Let's hear them. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Goh, and possible guest. I guess this is a moment of possible shame. I introduced my boyfriend to your podcast a couple weeks ago, and now he's listening to it religiously. And I guess last week, Jordan mentioned, I think

it was Jordan, mentioned something about giving fluorozoa after putting Alka-Seltzer in your mouth, and now he wants me to try it. So I'm wondering, is this something I should try? And if so, what could be the possible outcome? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. Now, okay. I don't think it was me. I don't remember saying that.

I don't remember anyone on Jordan Jesse Go talking about that. I will say that the possible outcome is that he ejaculates. Right. Or his penis burns off. Yeah, yeah. No, yeah, isn't it if you feed a seagull an Alka-Seltzer? That's at least the urban myth. Anyway, I don't know if that's actually the case.

Yeah, I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's true, but it could be true. Okay. Anyway, I don't know if that's actually the case. Yeah, I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's true, but it could be. It could be true. Yeah, I don't know. It could just reduce the inflammation in his penis. Yeah. But penis inflammation is what you want. You want an inflamed, engorged member.

You don't want it deflaming, right? No, you want it flamed. You want a flaming dick. You want a flamed penis. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think that's something. Number one, I think that she has, her boyfriend

is obviously an Alka-Seltzer fetishist. Sure. And has implanted in her mind the idea that at some point, because she knows, her boyfriend knows that she trusts us. And why wouldn't she?

We're trustworthy young men. Yeah. We don't go around sticking our dicks in Alka-Seltzer holes. No. We're not that kind of guy. If I knew where there was an Alka-Seltzer hole, I might, but... Right. I mean, so would I.

I'm not seeking them out. I would tap it. I will lightly brush my dick with Pepto before jerking it. What did she? Okay, I'm sorry. And am I really into Keapectate? Yes. I think it's the color, though.

It's the color. It's not effervescent. I've heard that if a man is performing the oral sex on a lady, if he like an altoid or a lifesaver in his mouth that adds a little cool menthol sensation to it uh-huh yeah god you the decadence the fact you know i i just i just i'm just happy enough just to to get there i'm not so bored by it you're excited to get to touch a boob yes when i'm reaching out reaching out and I'm grabbing, I'm getting a little something and it's happening for me, I'm not like, you know what we

need? I've got an old roll of mint Lifesavers at the bottom of my backpack. You don't just go into your medicine cabinet and just see what you've got. What can we use? You've got some Preparation H. What can this girl put in her mouth? What can she put in we do? You've got some preparation agents.

What can this girl put in her mouth? What can she put in her mouth? I've got some Boy Scout caramel corn. If I'm going to have to endure this awful blowjob, what will make this at least moderately pleasurable? Okay, let's go back to that. We can't recommend it. We can't endorse that.

Yeah, she must have got that off Radiolab or something. That said, if she... Yeah, that was probably Radiolab. Those creeps at Radiolab. I've got Jad's number. Let's get Jad on the phone. We want to talk about blowjobs. But, you know, we have to be careful. If we get Jad on the line, we don't want to get

Krulwich on the line, because they're just going to start bickering. And then, yeah, we're going to have to go to the tape. Okay, here we go. Hey, Jeff, Jesse Goh. This is Josh. You almost certainly don't remember me from Judge John Hodgman episode number three, but I thought I would call in with a momentous occasion. I am a mechanical engineer at a national laboratory,

and I saw a pretty amazing outfit this morning. One of the mechanical designers who literally designed things to go into a particle accelerator came in this morning wearing black basketball sneakers. I could tell they were basketball sneakers because they had large orange basketballs on the side of them. He was wearing black windbreaker track pants with zippers near the feet. And he was wearing an all-black fur coat. So I thought that was pretty amazing.

Thanks. Bye. I have to admit... It just sounds like he was going to go play basketball. I mean, what was weird about that? With Clyde Frazier, specifically. Yes. I have to admit, the very beginning of this call where he says, I almost certainly don't remember him from Judge John Hodgman episode three,

I had this two-sided reaction to that. The first was, I was offended. I was like, there's only been so far seven episodes of Judge John Hodgman. I remember the fucking people from Judge John Hodgman. And it was only three weeks ago that this guy was on the program. I talked to him for half an hour and then I sat for hours editing it.

Like, I remember this guy. Don't be fucking ridiculous. And I was like, oh, I don't remember this guy at all. Wow. Who is Josh? What was episode three? His low self-esteem was so justified.

Yeah, it turns out to be actually pretty reasonable. Sorry, Josh. I think, you know, I think more people should wear more fur coats. Just as a general rule, I'd like to see more fur coats

in action. Now, I don't, I'm not saying that you should kill more animals to make more fur coats. There are plenty of them in circulation. I'd just like to see them

out and about more. Sure. Josh, I recommend that you wear a fur coat to be more memorable to people. I mean, if you're this forgettable guy. I think that's the issue.

Remember, you're talking about Mr. Particle Accelerator. You're not Mr. Particle Accelerator. People are talking about that guy. Not only is he designing things for particle accelerators, he's dressing like Prince. I mean, it's pretty good. Hey, Jordan and Jesse. designers he's dressing like prince yeah i mean it's pretty good hi jordan and jesse this is jen bokoff from brooklyn new york and i'm calling with a momentous occasion today i got a job even though i have one already but it's a better newer awesomer job in philanthropy which is what i want to do and then then, because I got the job, I was able to sign up for Max StumpCon, so I'll be going

for the first time this year. So anyway, I'm really psyched, and I just wanted to let you all know. All right, have a good night. Bye. She sounds hot, right? Yep. I zoned out. I feel embarrassed.

I zoned out while she talked. That was embarrassing. That's embarrassing. What did she say? What did she say? Is this another one of your complicated podcast mind games? No, I really did. While she was doing that, I just started thinking about it.

She started talking. I don't know if it's a judgment on her or on me. Because she started talking. She had a relatively quiet voice. Yeah. What did she say? She wasn't as insistent. She's going to MaxFunCon.

She got a new job. Oh, okay. And she's going to MaxFunCon. I think that's great. Puts her in select company, Jordan. There's only five slots for Max Fun Con left right now. Five beds available for Max Fun Con. When you say beds,

it's a whole weekend? It's a whole weekend thing. It goes Friday through Sunday. And it's like at a camp or something? You're talking about a former hunting lodge that's been transformed into during the summer. It is a camp. It's a family camp, though. So it's like, it's adult accommodation.

It's not like bunk rooms. And if people go to this, you're telling me that they become better people? Oh, God, yes. Their personalities improve. Jordan, you've been. Oh, yeah. God, I was a huge prick before Max FunCon. Yeah, I mean, people remember that.

Now I'm tolerable. Yeah. I am now tolerable. What is it, summertime? What is it, summertime? We're looking at June 10th through 12th. I'm going to panty raid your whole thing. We have not.

Oh, shit. I'm going to get a little camp next door. You're going to have a rival con. Maybe an evil con. Fresh Air Kid con. We're going to set up our camp, Bad Boy Camp, and we're going to panty raid.

That's it. That sounds like a lot of fun. You know what? How about this? How about Fresh Air Kid camp? I invite them up to Max Fun Con for our stand-up comedy show that's in the outdoor amphitheater. Too condescending. Too condescending.

It's in the outdoor amphitheater. We don't want to be invited. We want to raid. We want to crash. If we get invited, it defeats the purpose of Fresh Air Kid Camp. You don't even want to come to the s'more roast? All the s'mores you can eat. Fresh Air Kid Camp. I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll sit off about 20 feet away. I don't even want to come to the s'more roast we want all the s'mores you can eat fresh air kid can't i'll tell you what we'll do we'll sit off about 20 feet away jordan we'll

sit 20 feet away i think i disagree i think enemies will make this whole thing more fun really imagine if you had like battles against the evil camp that was next door i don't know uh i'm doing yes sounded hot and i think i heard a little elk seltzer in her mouth while she was talking. Oh, gross. Oh, Christ. I should be shot. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Go, and guests. This is Tucker calling from Anchorage, Alaska.

And I have a momentous occasion. I'm calling in about a month late because I just got back from the U.S. Some friends and I were sailing a boat down the coast of Mexico the past two months, and at one point we were spearfishing off the coast of a small island, off the coast of a small island, and it turned out that it was actually an uncharted Mexican prison island. And so we were boarded by a boat full of Mexican military officials and at gunpoint made to sail our boat back to the prison harbor and were then taken ashore and held

for about nine hours in the general population of a Mexican maximum security prison Finally they contacted the US Embassy found out that we were not in fact smuggling drugs which is why they had taken us hostage in the first place and we were allowed to sail off

into the sunset so that was pretty fucking terrifying thanks guys this isn't a penguin in the pants right? yeah it doesn't sound like it fucking terrifying. Thanks, guys. This isn't a penguin in the pants, right? Yeah, it doesn't sound like it. What's a penguin in the pants? That's someone's bullshit call.

Is that something you guys made up? Yeah. We're pretty cool. We're pretty into neologisms. Okay. Alright. Alright. I like it. So you think this guy was lying? I kind of don't think he was lying. Yeah. I think it's real.

I think it's real, too. You know, you never hear stories about foreign governments behaving fairly or efficiently. Anytime you hear a story about the foreign police or the foreign government, it's when they're doing something crazy. I was lost in Basel. I was in Lucerne in Switzerland. Yeah.

And the government came up and they... I was feeling really tight in my upper back. Well, this guy sounds like... Well, first of all, I don't know. What's he doing? Why are they just sailing around? They should have shot him. No, no, I take it back. I take it back.

They should not have shot him. They should have stabbed him. They should have. A little warning stab in the hand. Yeah. Hammer to the head. Hammer to the head. Rip torn style.

If they want to make a real fucking movie. Yeah. They don't want to be whorehouses. Whorehouses. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective.

And Curtis Gwynn. This is your last shot, Curtis. Oh, God. Gatorade. You nailed it! At the buzzer. Gatorade. You could have fucked it all up and said Powerade. Yeah, nope, nope. But you went with the good stuff.

My new nickname's Gatorade. Yeah. Everybody mark that down. How about G2? I'll go for G2. Sure. Thank you. Yeah.

Thank you very much. What is G2? It's a type of Gatorade. Is it really? Yeah, it's for something. I thought it was a television network. The other day I tried to buy some Gatorade. I was genuinely so bewildered by the array of Gatorades that have specific purposes

that I just bought something else. Sure. It's daunting. Like an old man at a cell phone store. Yeah. You just walk out with a walkie-talkie or a remote-control car so you get so confused. Just give me a goddamn train set and let's be done with this.

Is this place called The Shack now? Or is this still Radio Shack? You do sell PCP. Angel Dust. That was a failed name change, sir. That was a new coke situation for us. I like to get crazy high. I'm Rip Torn.

I woke up in a bank with a gun. Oh, God. Where am I? in a bank with a gun Oh god Where am I? In a bank? It's really been a joy to have you on the program It's been a pleasure, thanks for having me Can I wish both of you guys a happy holidays And Merry Christmas Merry Christmas, happy holidays, all that good stuff

We're going to take a little holiday break I'm headed up to the Bay Area For the Christmas holiday Are you going to do any Christmas stuff, Jordan? I'm going to go in a pit. Like a hole in the ground? Like a hole in the ground? Do you got any furniture in there?

No. Fire? No. No fire? No, it's just a pit. What are you going to eat? I hadn't planned on eating. Maybe something will go into my mouth. Oh no, Alka-Seltzer? Yeah, get an Alka-Seltzer tablet. Unbelievable.

Yeah. Is this a weird fucking pit? No, no. It's a celibacy pit, if anything. Oh. You need to know. You need to go the opposite direction, I think. Get in a tower.

I think you should be in a tower for that. Curtis has a good point. You should be in a tower, not in a pit. Do you think it's too late? Do you think all the towers are booked? All the holiday towers? I think there's some discount towers. You know what? I booked that pit three months ago. Jordan, a lot of people think that you can't get

any good values, but if you go to Expedia, you go to kayak.com, even if you hotwire it, seriously, right now, hotwire it seriously right now hotwire it look for three and a half stars or higher holiday fuck tower it doesn't have to be a fuck tower oh I thought it was a direct antidote

to my celibacy pit all you need to do is bring if you bring the Alka-Seltzer to the tower it's gonna be a fuck tower once a lady hears that you've got Alka-Stzer in a fucking tower a holiday tower specifically that is some real like i don't know it sounds like hick advice i don't know if you bring alka-seltzer to a tower it's gonna be a fuck tower

it's about it man that's the way it's gonna go down i'm sorry that's it no that shit ever since i i learned that my senior year of high school, I've been using it ever since. You get yourself a tower. You get yourself a good tower. You get a whole thing of acu-seltzer. It's got to be the holidays. Look, it doesn't got to be the holidays on the calendar.

You can just make yourself some fucking gingerbread in there. Then you start chewing up some acu-seltzer, and you suck your own dong. And you got yourself a fucky tower. We're doing some character work. They're getting weirder, too. The characters are getting stranger and less like... I can talk to certain birds.

You probably have a huge fan base in the South. I would love to know from your fan base in the South what it's like. I mean, basically, they grow up with their accent. Right. know from your family from the south what it's like i mean that basically they grow up yeah with their accent right more so than i talked to some really classy sophisticated people on judge john hodgman last week that had real southern accent yes they were from huntsville right and uh they had serious southern accents and uh it made me really wish i had a really cool southern accent it's such a fun particular thing when it's done right.

It's so cool. Yeah. I'm from New England and there's just nothing. No. I'm not from far enough north. Up north, but it's annoying. But it's more dumb than, yeah. It's, oh, where are we going? Up there. Oh, goodness. Oh, that's Stephen King lives in that house.

Oh, no. At the end of Stephen King Drive. People have been listening to this program. They've been waiting for two things. Number one, more talk about Werner Herzog, which we're going to have to save for the new year. Sure. Number two, they've been wondering about your meetup in Seattle.

Oh, the meetup went fantastic. Great turnout, very nice bunch. When you say great turnout, how many would you say? Hundreds? No, I think in and out. I think at its zenith, I think we had about 30 people. That's pretty good. I mean, I had about 40, 45 at the DC meetup.

Yeah, but most of them were losers. Oof. There were those black people that liked the Beastie Boys. Oh, no. Just kidding, black people. They were probably my favorite people. I had a great time talking to the black people that liked the Beastie Boys. Yeah, great.

It was a ton of fun. Many, many thanks to everybody who came out. Seemed like folks on the forum were talking about what a blast they had. Welcoming. And, you know, it looks, I think. Some people got together a carpool from Portland. Sure, yes. People came from far and wide.

Yeah. They used to live in Portland. They had to figure out which one of their friends had a car, the Portlanders did. Yeah, sure. You can't all climb on a unicycle. Yeah, precisely. Get down there. And might be another Jordan Morris meetup sooner than you might think.

Really? Where should people stay tuned to if they want to know about this? Keep checking the forum. Keep checking the forum and as soon as it's official, of course, we'll put it in the events page on MaximumFun.org. This might be for the people on the East Coast.

Really? You're not going to reveal anything more than that? No. That's a tease. Do the accent. North or south of... Hi! Come to the meet-up! Delaware. Delaware.

Get in Central Delaware. New Hampshire. Live free or die! What happens at a Jordan meet-up? Well, here's some of the topics discussed. Continuity in the Terminator franchise. Jesus Christ. I thought you said this was a cool meetup.

It is. Continuity in the Terminator franchise. Continuity in the Jurassic Park franchise. Oh, man. Dead Rising 2. There's no sex that happens at this stuff. I thought that's the whole point of having a meetup. It's better than sex. Aren't these like key parties, these meetups? I thought you guys went on these meetups. You're thinking of of having a meetup. It's better than sex. Aren't these like key parties, these meetups? I thought you guys

went on these meetups and just like... You're thinking of those Howard Dean meetups from the dawn of meetups. Those were the ones that were the real key party type situations.

Oh man, I was born too late. I really wanted in on a Howard Dean fuck tower party. Yeah. Okay, I want to mention

two other things before we go. They are these. Number one, our friend Graham Clark from Stop Podcasting Yourself, the co-host of our sister program, Stop Podcasting Yourself, our sister program, North of the Border, had been talking on his show about beard paintings, which is paintings that in theory he would create with his beard,

sort of like an elephant creates a painting with its snoot. Sure. Sort of like an elephant creates a painting with its snoot. Sure. The snoot, yeah. It turns out that Graham has a close friend who has a type of cancer that needs a very special treatment. It's quite expensive. And so he has actually begun to create these beard paintings with his beard. And're on ebay uh and all the sales benefit his friends uh medical care and i have to say i'm pretty impressed at how attractive these paintings are i expected them to be bullshit but they're

actually pretty good looking well so how much do they how much they run in for there was there was a first round and they mostly went in the range of $100 to $200 Canadian, which I think is pretty good. It's for a good cause. It's great. You get to own a piece of Stop Podcasting Yourself history. So you can type Graham Clark beard painting

into eBay and find them that way. There's a link on our website. There's a link in the forum, et cetera, et cetera. Also, in addition to that, hey, we're headed to San Francisco, Jordan. Yes, we are. We're going to be visiting our friends at the San Francisco Sketch Fest.

There's going to be a Monsters of Podcasting show with our very good friends, You Look Nice Today. That will be on January 23rd. The day before that, January 22nd, I will be doing the Sound of Young America Live with special guests, special guests Baron Vaughn, Bobcat Goldthwait, the gentleman who created the Life and Times of Tim, Steve Dildarian, I want to say his name is.

I think I'm getting that right. And John Vanderslice. And possible surprise guests. We'll see. January 22nd and 23rd. And your sketch group Hot Mess is going to be doing something at Sketch Fest. Yes, that Curtis is the director of, making this whole thing up. Oh, I didn't even know serious. Very incestuous. Very incestuous.

Yes, I think, gosh, I forget the specific weekend, but I think Hot Mess will be there at the Dark Room Theater on the 13th, I believe, and then Monsters of Podcasting on the 23rd. So we're looking forward to that. So we'll talk to you next time.

206-984-4FUN, the number to call if you want to ask us a question, you want to send us a momentous occasion, a moment of shame, just whatever you like. You can also email us at jjgoe at MaximumFun.org. We're online at MaximumFun.org where you can check out all of our awesome shows. MaximumFunCon.com if you want to join us in Lake Arrowhead in June. And we'll see you next time right here on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Thanks, Curtis.

Thank you.