Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 161: Jose Can-Snake-O with Ashkon (Live at SF Sketchfest)

Episode Date: January 26, 2011

Taped live at SF Sketchfest, a special JJGo with Bay Area legend Ashkon.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan. Jesse. Go!

Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddle, dum, twid me, Jesse. This week's Jordan, Jesse Go was recorded live at the Monsters of Podcasting at SF Sketchfest in San Francisco. That's a special message for that guy who emailed me and asked me why some of our episodes have laugh tracks. This particular show we're doing, the Monsters of Podcasting show, kind of reminded me of a movie I saw recently. Really? What movie is that? The Expendables. For people who do not know, The Expendables is a who's who. It's a movie where Dolph Lundgren plays me, Jesse Thorne.

It's a who's who of action stars From bygone eras And the current era You have Sylvester Stallone Heads of this cast Also contains, this is important to the story Terry Crews Who is a black action star Important to the story

And like Jason Statham Dolph Lundgren who you mentioned Their race is irrelevant. Yes. These are standard whites. These are very standard whites. You can walk down any street in America, you'll see a few Stathams. Sure.

Watch out, they'll kick you. They will roundhouse you in the face as soon as they look at you. If they've got a gun, it has as many bullets as it needs. Yes, exactly. Sometimes, slow motion. You guys going to see The Mechanic on Friday? Anybody? Oh, I'll be there.

Jordan's love affair with Statham continues unabated. So I did the, my work as an entertainment reporter caused me to have to go to the press junket for the Expendables. And I overheard a conversation that I've been thinking about ever since, and I kind of wanted to share. So I was just kind of sitting in the waiting area where they have food, drinks, coffee, tea, that kind of thing. I call it munchables. Sure. It's funny because I don't like their food, so I brought my own lunchable. They're like, the food's over here. And I say, fuck off.

I brought a lunchable. And then people wonder why they were hospitable towards me. And then people wonder why they were hospitable towards me. And Sylvester Stallone sits down very close to me with kind of a group of people around him. Now, this is something they'll do at these sometimes. Sometimes they'll do print interviews. So I thought this was what was going on. I thought these were print reporters talking to him.

And I just realized, as I go further in this story, I will have the option of doing a Sylvester Stallone impression. And I'm wondering if it's a good idea. Applause for Stallone impression. Applause for saying it in my normal voice. Alright, this guy is like, I am not applauding either

of these options. I do not approve of this story. Both seem bad. I don't care for that Stallone fellow. I'd never throw my mama from the train. Is he involved in that? No, he was. No, he was.

That Billy Crystal you're thinking of. Oh, you know what? You're thinking of Stop or My Mom Will Shoot. Stop or My Mom Will Shoot. Stop or My Mom Will Shoot. Thank you. From the My Mom Will Shoot. Thank you. From the funny Stallone era. Which I don't know why that era's gone.

It was so successful. That's what we want to see from this asshole. How could that era have ended with the success of Kindergarten Cop that didn't star him? Right. I feel like Demolition Man was the bridge between those two. Anyway, we'll talk about Demolition Man later. So it looks like I'm doing the impression, right? Okay. Keep in mind, I've auditioned for SNL several times and never made it.

An embarrassing amount of times. So Stallone is talking to these people, and I think it's a print interview, but one of the guys interviewing him is being kind of rude. It seems like way more rude than a reporter would be to Sylvester Stallone. He's like, I don't know. He's like a middle-aged guy.

He's like, I don't know. Sort of how you would hope a reporter would be to, like, Muammar Gaddafi. Whatever! Skeptical. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Sort of how you would hope a reporter would be to, like, Muammar Gaddafi. Whatever. Skeptical. Yeah, yeah. So it kind of dawns on me that this is, like, a money guy. This is somebody from a studio,

and Stallone is kind of pitching to him. And so I kind of tune in, and the guy's like, I don't know, and Stallone's like, I'm telling you, man. I'm telling you. Right? B plus. Call me, Lorne. I'm telling you.

I'm telling you. This is a hundred million dollar franchise we got here. Hundred million dollar franchise. Hundred million dollar franchise. These guys in this movie, you can take them anywhere. He's talking about the expendables. He wants to transplant them into other movies.

He's like, these guys can fight zombies. We could go back to the old west and Terry could be a freed slave. See, it was important. See, it was important. These guys could go into hell and kill the devil. So Stallone has this dream movie in mind where he and Jason Statham go into hell and kick the devil until he dies. And you know what? I would fucking see it as... I would see all three

of those movies. Do you think Stallone has, like, in his house... Even the racist one. Do you think he has, like, a list of dream projects and it's, like, Rocky, and that's crossed out. Yeah. And then that one about NASCAR, and that's crossed out. Okay, yeah. It's not Days of Thunder. Yes, I know.

It came out after Days of Thunder. It's not called, it's called like Drive. Wheels. Wheels. Speed. Something like that.

Gasoline-fueled mayhem. And then underneath that is the one where I kill Satan. The one where I kill the devil. Yeah, I think so. And I like, and I like the idea is if this guy

actually entertained this and he's like, all right, we like it. I want to hear 30 examples of where the expendables could go. And just to the end

of this pitch, he's like, so we're in high school and there's a bet to see if we can make Statham the prom queen. I've actually, you know,

it's funny that you mentioned this idea of pitching stuff in Hollywood, because just recently on Jordan, Jesse, Go, we were talking about sci-fi original movies. I don't know if you guys have ever seen any sci-fi original movies, but they tend to be just a combination of things that they obviously created well before they created any other element of the movie. Like, it's obviously, in fact, I read a New York Times article about it, and there's just a guy

that works at the Sci-Fi Channel who just says, you know, like, bat donkey, and then he just gives two million dollars to a guy and says,

make that. Now, Jesse, you're making it sound like all this guy does is come up with weird combinations. He also does blow. So don't discount

the hard work that this asshole does Anyway, I mean, we've been in Hollywood now Each of us for about, you know, eight years Five, eight years And we've had our successes, certainly You know, we've appeared on television and so forth You're in All About Steve

Fuck off, sure But I think we should I kind of think we should start doing our own projects And sort of pitching stuff around town. That's a good idea. We haven't done that much of it. Sure, you've got to kind of take control. I get that.

So I was thinking I would come up with some ideas for these movies, especially the sort of central creatures in the movies, to see if we could. Sure. I mean, I don't know. I just don't want to bring them to. No, no. They get big ratings and they're money makers. And I don't want to bring them straight to sci-fi so I want just

an audience that will let me know if they think that it's something that, you know, stoned or drunk nerds would enjoy on a Saturday night.

Sure, okay. In lieu of dates. Are you saying that Sharktopus is a replacement for sex, Jesse? Is that what you're getting at? I would get a lot of Sharktopus is a replacement for sex, Jesse? Is that what you're getting at? I would get a lot of Sharktopus.

Okay, so this is my idea. I've created a PowerPoint. I've created a PowerPoint presentation called Dangerous Hybrid Creatures, A Few Ide ideas I had by me, Jesse Thorne. The first idea is Jose Canseco. This one combines the legendary speed and power of the original 40-40 man with the poison and wriggliness of a snake.

Now, is he... I can see this going two ways. Is he snake-shaped with like a man's head, or is he a man-shape with scales? I see a man-shape with scales, but kind of juicy and wriggly.

Odd that you describe snakes as juicy. I've never really handled... That's what I imagine a snake would be like. Juicy. Yeah. Okay. Next one is Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

This one combines a robot with former Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who I think recently retired, so she's available. I mean, that's the thing. Like, Tiffany and Debbie Gibson are in this new sci-fi movie because they were available. You know, they're around. People have heard of them. They've got name recognition. So does Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Jesse? Yeah. The Earl Warrenator. I hate to one-up you. Here's my next one. Chewie Lewis. This is sort of a Bay Area-up you. Here's my next one, Shuey Lewis. This is sort of a Bay Area-specific one.

Bay Area legend Shuey Lewis and Bay Area legendary footwear, a shoe. Okay, this is the first time, this is the first

non-A-plus that you've given today. The other two were, I can see a man cross with a snake. That's interesting. Give a man fangs. Right.

Snake-like qualities. You know, man to robot. That's always interesting. That's, you know... Sure. There's lots of man-robot movies. What advantage

does someone get from being combined with a shoe? Well, this is... Let me explain sort of how I see it. The other ones were much more anthropomorphic than this one.

This one is just a shoe that's pretty handsome for a shoe, but not in a way that makes it so dudes feel like they don't want to hang out with it. Yeah. Let's put that in the yes pile.

Okay, great. This is Jennifer Love Bowie. It's a cross between Jennifer Love Hewitt and a buoy at sea. Okay. Buoys are hot right now with the recent

marine disasters. And I think Jennifer Love Hewitt's still someone that people have heard of. Maybe a good project for this character would be the ghost fish purrer. Let's go to the next one.

Yeah, I mean, I gotta be honest with you. To some extent, I started running out of ideas after Chewie Lewis. Doesn't seem like it to me. It was one of those things. This is as good as the other ones. It was one of those things where, like, good as the other ones. It was one of those things where like

after the Beatles made their like greatest like their Revolvers and Abbey Road and all those albums then they were like well we have to break up because what else

are we going to do and then Ringo started making Ringo albums. These are sort of my Ringo albums I have to admit. Wait, which one was Abbey Road?

This one is my last one. Dog version of Vice President Joe Biden. I haven't really thought this one through. I've just always enjoyed Vice President Joe Biden. Who hasn't? I mean, he's got the teeth. He's got the hair plugs. No tie in that picture.

He's got the penchant for Malaprop And then dogs Just people love dogs, right? They've been I watched a show on PBS They have evolved over thousands of years To be man's best friend Maybe this particular dog

Can compete in the small dog agility contest That'd be pretty adorable I know he's going to live back in Redding, Pennsylvania in his district. That's where he lived, right? Redding, Pennsylvania and take the train.

He takes the dog train to work every day. He takes the dog train to work every day. Anyway, I don't know if you guys think that would fly. Do you feel like these are good things to take to the sci-fi network?

We're in business, Jordan. We're in fucking business. Jordan, I think the time in our program has come where we should bring a guest onto the stage.

I think that's a fine idea. No, we wanted to bring a... Ladies and gentlemen, Shuey Lewis. We wanted to bring, we wanted to bring onto this program

a local legend. Yes. We considered a lot of choices. We considered Tracy Chapman. Sure. That fucking bridge you guys won't shut up about. Danny Glover. Sure.

Certainly. Former Mayor Willie Brown we considered. We decided at the end of the day, what's really important for our audience is the fact that a friend of ours from college sang the hit anthem of the San Francisco Giants World Series run, Don't Stop Believin'. Please welcome to the stage, Ashkahn. How are you, my friend? What's up, everybody? Should I sit in this one?

Yeah, sit in that one. Sit in that one. Closer is better. Yeah, absolutely. We want you as close as we can get you, buddy. More comfortable. Oh, it's nice to see you, Ashkahn. I don't know who you are, but we were jacking each other off back then.

Yeah, I heard all about it. Sure. Ashkahn, congratulations on the success. For folks who don't know, Ashkahn, I mean, Ashkahn had been a regular guest on Jordan and Jesse Go. A good friend of ours, a successful in the local hip hop scene, successful in the local theater scene here in the Bay Area. I'd like to clarify, I think I was kind of their fallback guest.

When everything else fell through, they'd call me and they'd say, hey, Ashkahn, you want to come on the show today? You're our Al Roker. Something like that. Wavy gravy called. He can't do it. Country Joe called. He can't do it.

The guy with the 12 galaxies sign called. He can't do it. But I want to congratulate you on this amazing success. Ashkahn, just on a whim made a video with his own version of the hit Giants song Don't Stop Believin' by the band Journey, written by noted

Giants fan Steve Perry. And it became this international multi-billion view phenomenon that was played on the Jumbotron and all the Games of the World series and all the giants were asked to comment on on the local news and

it was very exciting. He basically became like, in terms of esteem here in the San Francisco Bay Area, and I don't have to explain this to you, I mean, he became, I would say a new Doug McConnell, host of Bay Area Backroads. Absolutely.

Don't know what that is. a new Doug McConnell, host of Bay Area Backroads. Absolutely. Absolutely. Don't know what that is. Sure. So congratulations on all that success, Ashkahn. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah, so I mean, what, I guess the fallout from viral internet song parody sensation,

how has it changed your life? Well, God, where do I start? I don't know. Did you get that hat? New hat. I got this one on my own. You know, I walk down the street every now and again. I'll take a picture with somebody.

They'll say that it's for their kid because their kid is a really big fan, but come on now. Yeah. They admitted to you later back in the bedroom. Yeah, there's been

a lot of... After they're fucked out. Yeah. There's been a lot of... Yeah. I guess what we're trying to say is Ashkahn's been focusing

on breaking up families. Pretty much. That's about it. I just, you know, meet guys on their lunch break. It seems like, I mean, look. Whatever happens, happens. You find their wives on Facebook. Right. Jordan, correct me if I'm wrong.

Sure. We're Hollywood power players. Right. We just demonstrated that. Sure, yeah. I mean, look I sat near Sylvester Stallone You came up with some dumb sci-fi ideas

Yeah Yes, power players I host an 11-minute television program Sure That's mostly a commercial I do equally dumb stuff I think we can change Ashkahn's life Yeah, I think you've got

some heat right now. Just like Obama after his masterful handling of the whole Arizona situation. Right, right. You've got some heat. You're the Obama of your generation. Your poll numbers are up. Wow. This is amazing. This is an exciting time. We have some ideas for you

moving forward. This is great. I've been looking for some advice. So, you know, who better to give it to me than Jordan and Jesse? I would like to suggest, if I could suggest one thing. Yes. I might start by taking some dick pics. You know what? I actually was talking to my manager about this.

About dick pics. Well, we were actually thinking of just going for the full-on sex tape. Well, hold on. Take the dick pics. Well, we were actually thinking of just going for the full-on sex tape, but... Well, hold on. Take the dick pics. Okay. Don't put the cart before the horse. Do you guys have a pen?

And... Just memorize them. And send them to Brett Favre. Tell him there's more where that came from if he prevaricates further About whether he's retired

You gotta get into the news cycle And yep You got Favre's number? Absolutely Let me rock it up your zoom hole Suggestion two Two words Well one word One letter

Hepatitis C You contract it America falls in love Look at Michael Douglas No one gave a shit About that guy He got a brain tumor It's Michael Douglas

All day Everywhere And nobody's done Hep C yet No uh uh And it's kinda It has an allure It has a kind of

Like a sexiness to it Because it's sexually transmitted Hepatitis C Ashkahn We're not doctors And it has an allure. It has a sexiness to it because it's sexually transmitted. Hepatitis C. Ashkahn, we're not doctors, but we're qualified to dispense medical advice when necessary, thanks to our power in Hollywood. Naturally.

We suggest that you contract a potentially deadly disease. Okay, hepatitis C. You don't think I should just go full on, you know... HIV? I mean, I almost didn't want to say it, but if you're gonna go... It's a little played out. Yeah.

I'm just saying. You might as well get a Friendster page at this point, right? Yeah. This isn't 1982, Freddie Mercury. Hep C is very now,

very Twitter, very Bieber. I'm already thinking about hashtags here Yeah, this is good Ashcon Hep C, we love you Ashcon These are all hashtags that could be associated with this You know, it's funny that you mentioned sex videos I was thinking about like a Kardashian thing Because the Kardashians are huge

I know my wife's cousins follow the Kardashians on Twitter. They love to send different messages encouraging them or discouraging them from different stuff they're up to on their hit television show. So first of all, I like your ambiguous ethnicity. Yeah. I know that I look, we know each other. I know that you have a Persian background

You don't need to spread that around Let people guess it's fun It's fun Greek maybe Swarthy Jew Who knows The people's champ Anyway So there's a couple steps

I looked into the Kardashians I wasn't an expert steps I looked into the Kardashians I wasn't an expert But I looked into the Kardashians I'm thinking about different stuff Number one Do you have any sassy sisters? No sassy sisters I got a sassy little brother though

Do you think you could Is he Is he Like an ugly version of you? Oh no He's a cute Lovable version of me Okay

He's actually the red headed White version of me Oh wow Which I ask my mom about Every couple of years He's a cute, lovable version of me. Okay. He's actually the red-headed white version of me. Oh, wow. Which I ask my mom about every couple of years. But she holds true. She holds firmly true that he is my 100% full brother. That's amazing.

Yeah, he's like fair-skinned, little red hair. That's remarkable. Yeah, we fist fought on New Year's Eve. Do you think? Why? Over race issues? Was it a race war? Is that what you're saying?

Was this a Rahoba situation? Yeah. Man, if this was a regular version of your show, I would get really into this story of me and my brother fighting because it's so ridiculous, but I don't know. Okay. We'll save that for another episode.

We'll save it for another day. I'm wondering if you have or would be willing to consider butt implants. Because I don't mean to get all snaky on you, but you're insufficiently juicy. Well, okay. Jesse, I just, I got to stop you right there. I've always been told I actually have a little bit of a ghetto booty, so I don't know. It's not. Yeah. Maybe. There's of a ghetto booty, so I don't know. It's not, yeah, maybe. There's some things going on here.

There's something there. You know what I'm thinking right now? L.A. face, Oakland booty. Is the expression. Is the expression. Okay. I'd like to get with you, and then something with photography. Impression.

Okay. I'd like to get with you, and then something with photography. Do you think you would be willing to make friends with Paris Hilton? I think that was the initial thing. How do you think? I think Ashkahn could get in with the Paris Hilton crowd, right? Yeah, sure. You've got a lot of well-told anecdotes.

Sure. I'm sure she appreciates that. Yeah, sure. If there's one thing with super rich love, it's an anecdote. That's a truism that's been proven time and time again.

I've always been a bit of a sucker for Paris Hilton. I don't know what to say. Really? I'm sorry. I don't know why. It's like she's like one of those ones

where it's like, I really want to not be attracted to you at all. I want to have more standards than that, but she's the one that gets me. I don't know why. Hey, I think that's beautiful. I want to have more standards than that, but she's the one that gets me. I don't know why. Hey, I think that's beautiful.

I think you should go. Let's go. Let's do this. I have a similar problem with the Mr. Jason Statham. I've got a similar thing with Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The robot.

So, Ashton, I think it's time to make a call of these suggestions, whether it's time To make a call Of these suggestions Yeah Whether it's Farve Dick Picks Farve Dick Picks Hep C

Hep C Kardashian-esque Reality show Which one Do you feel The most comfortable Moving forward with I should also mention

Before you decide For sure That with the Kardashian thing The one thing I left out is You have to have A video of you

Fucking Ray J Brandy's fucking Ray J. Brandy's brother Ray J. And he's got a monster. I think I gotta go with the dick pics to Favre. I feel like a wise choice.

Because I feel like nobody really at the end of the day wants Hep C. As fun as that would be, how much as I can maybe work that angle, at the end of the day I still have Hep C. And then I was actually all about the Kardashian possibility. It sounded like, you know, I was like, whoa, there's no downside to this. And then you hit me at the end with this, you know, sex tape with Ray J. And, you know, I don't want to do that.

Right. So I go back to A, and it's like, that could be kind of funny. I mean, I think that's pretty hilarious if it came out that the Giants YouTube guy sent dick pics to Brett Favre. You know, like, because it's kind of like me, you know, fucking with Brett a little bit

at the same time. Take that guy down a peg. You know, it would be out of company. It would be kind of fun. Look, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've seen your dick, and you'd be taking him down a peg if you said it. I remember.

We weren't. I'm just joking. It's just a joke. Ashkahn, I think I've got an idea for what could be the first step in your road to not just local superstardom but international superstardom

As you know, Jordan Jesse Go has literally many listeners around the country We have literally listeners As you know, Ashkahn people have listened to Jordan Jesse Go We have literally listeners. As you know, Ashkahn, people have listened to Jordan and Jesse Go. You guys do have listeners around the country. It's true.

And I was looking, I just happened to be looking over my shoulder, and it looks like there's a guitar case back here. Oh, snap. I don't know if you're interested in performing a song. If there was some interest amongst the crowd maybe you would

it would be an absolute pleasure hey are there any Jordan Jesse Go fans out there are there any Ashkahn are there any Ashkahn requests

songs you might like to hear that we might have been playing well how about Hot Toven yadda to mean. This song is called Hot Tubbin' on the late night. Yadda to mean. At the Warriors game Friends and family

Free sausages Snuck in Jimmy Bean Warriors won again 127-119 Called my homie up, said, yo, what's happening? He said, there's a party going down on the west side. What you gonna do? You should come on through.

I said, yeah, that sounds all right. Oh, yeah, he said. Just one more thing, he said. You better bring a couple girls, cause it's a sausage fest. God damn it, alright, I'll see what I can do. Whatever it takes to do what you know that I wanna do.

Hot tubbing on the late night. Yadda da mean, yadda da mean, yadda da mean. Oh, oh, hot tubbing on the late night. Yada-da-me, yada-da-me, yada-da-me. Oh, at the sausage fest, wasn't having fun.

Not enough buns, not enough huns, wasn't going to get none. So I had to go to the liquor store and get a 4-0 before the store closed. Oh, nice spot, but her teeth was busted. Wasn't for me, yada to me, no. Oh, what am I gonna go? Where am I gonna do? All I wanna do is find a place to get into a hot tub. Hot tub and on the late night.

Yadda to me, yadda to me, yadda to me. Oh, oh, hot tubbing on the late night. Yadda to me, yadda to me, yadda to me. Oh, I got my cell phone out. I started making calls. Unlimited nights and weekends got me calling all my broads. Hey, girl, what you doing right now? I got an idea that you can't turn down.

What's the big idea? She said, what are you talking about? I told her, grab a couple towels. You're about to find out. What about Stacey? We was going to watch a movie. We can bring along Stacey. We can all jump in a hot jacuzzi. Now off to your first cruise. Looking for a place to do this. Where we gonna find a jacuzzi? I pulled into the Motel 6. It's after pool hour,

so we hop in the fence. First I take my shoes off, then I'm dropping my pants. Turn the bubbles up and get in. Time to romance. Hot tubbing on the late night. Yada-da-mean, yada-da-mean, yada-da-mean. Oh, oh, hot tubbing on the late night. Yada-da-mean, yada-da-mean.

Can you lead them in a hand clap for this last one? A hot tubbing on the late night. Yada-da-mean, yada-da-mean, yada-da-mean. Oh, oh, hot tubbing on the late night. Double time, double time. Yada-da-da, yada-da-da-da-da-da-da. Hot tubbing on the late night. Yada-da-mean, yada-da-mean, yada-da-mean. Double time, double time. Do you doubt it or mean? Do you doubt it or mean? Do you doubt it or mean? Oh, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Hepatitis C, hepatitis C, give it to me. Just give it to me. Just give it to me. Give it to me.

Yeah. Ashkahn, ladies and gentlemen. Right? Come on. Hot tubbin'. Come on. I guess the truth comes out through song. Yeah.

Option B, I guess. Hep C for life. Anybody out there got hepatitis C? Woo! Whoa! the truth comes out through song. Yeah. Option B, I guess. XC for life. Anybody out there got hepatitis C? Woo! Whoa! Ashcon. Come on.

Liars. We're sorry if any of you actually do. You guys are liars. We're looking at what? Facebook.com slash Ashcon Music. Yup.

We're looking at new production from the Shotgun Players in Berkeley right by the Ashby Bartz Station. That's happening in March. I'm going to play Rasputin. Hence this beard growing the Ashby Bartz station. That's happening in March.

I'm going to play Rasputin. Hence this beard growing out even a little bit longer. What's the name of that play? It's called Beardo. Is it really called Beardo? Yeah, that's it. This is how Ashcon described the shot. Shotgun Players, very legitimate. I'm sure people here are familiar with the Shotgun Players work.

Are you going to get me into trouble right now? Local theater company. He described this to me as he plays Rasputin and he goes on and convinced Russian royalty to fuck each other and fuck him. That's how he described the play. That's pretty much the story of Rasputin,

right? Yeah. I mean, in so many words. Well, Ashkahn, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you very much. Ashkahn DeVaron. Thanks, guys. Pound it out. These guys are the freaking best. Make some noise for these two. I love these guys.

Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys. Let's do a little thing. My computer went to sleep because it had a narcoleptic episode because it got overwhelmed by Ashkahn and how awesome he is. They had to go right to sleep. Yeah, I was like, I am out.

You should tell them they can see the hot tub video on YouTube. Yeah, of course you can see the hot tub video on YouTube. God, give me a break. Give me a break. Of course they can. Okay. Bye, guys. Thank you a break. Of course they can. Okay. Bye, guys. Thank you, friend.

Thank you, friend. See you at home. Look, this is the Bay Area. Some of you may not know that. If some of you guys are more You Look Nice Today fans than Jordan Jesse Go fans, you might not know. That's perfectly reasonable.

Look, we can't blame you. I get it. You might not know that I'm a native of San Francisco's handsome and historic Mission District. Again, if you haven't heard our show before, certainly haven't been to one of our live shows, you might not know that we are not at all above pandering to a local audience.

Not even a little bit. In fact, pandering to a local audience is pretty much our main thing. I mean, you heard that whole Huey Lewis thing earlier. I talked about the 12 Galaxies guy. At this point, I'm just saying Bay Area stuff. I'm going to start spouting the hours of the Shane Company pretty soon.

Yes. We need several more applause breaks or this is considered a failure. Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Elaine Corral. Let's hear it for Elaine Corral. KTVU, former KTVU anchor, Elaine Corral. 415 is the area code from

what I understand. Anyway, on Jordan and Jesse Go, we have what I like to think of as a signature segment. Yes. It's Anyway, on Jordan, Jesse, go We have what I like to think of as a signature segment Yes It's called Hang It Up, Keep It Up Thank you And so we thought that we might share with you

A sort of a Bay Area specific edition of Hang It Up, Keep It Up In a world beset by problems, we need a bold leader A man who can light our way in the darkness. A man who can tell us what can keep it up and what can hang it up. Hang it up! Tourists in shorts. What state did you think you were visiting, tourists in shorts? California? Hang it up, tourists in shorts? California?

Hang it up, tourists in shorts. Beach Blanket Babylon. I lived in San Francisco for 25 years and I still don't know exactly what Beach Blanket Babylon is. Hang it up,

Beach Blanket Babylon. BART extensions. I'm pretty sure Hang it up, Beach Blanket Babylon. I'm pretty sure that the Pittsburgh Bay Point Station is somewhere just outside Butte, Montana. Hang it up, BART extensions. Okay, I don't really have a message for this one. This one is just 1,000% pandering. Hang it up, Republicans! Something

you can count on. Gavin Newsom's hair. Little known fact. The number one donor to former San Francisco mayor's lieutenant, Gavin Newsom's lieutenant governor race was L.A. looks. Hang it

up, Gavin Newsom's hair. San Francisco. There's no entertainment industry for me to work in in San Francisco. And I have to live in Los Angeles. Hang it up, San Francisco. For every yin, there must be a yang. And so for every hang it up, there must be a keep it up. Keep it up.

Giant's legend, Will the Thrill Clark. Not only was he well known for his left-handed slugging, his middle name is Nooshler. Keep it up, Will the Thrill Clerk. The Space Needle. I understand that the Space Needle is in Seattle, but I'm a big fan, and I'd like to see it brought to San Francisco.

Keep it up, the Space Needle. Gaze. As far as I'm concerned, you fellas can go to town. Keep it up, Gaze. The Cow Palace. The Cow Palace, one of the top three

Bay Area venues to see the Harlem Globetrotters. Keep it up, the Cow Palace. Corndogs. Granted, corndogs are pretty good no matter where you are, but still, keep it up, corndogs. Outrageous Bay Area cost of living. I don't care. I'm rich from Internet.

Keep it up, outrageous cost of living. Now, Jesse, you were joking in that that there was no entertainment industry for you to work in in San Francisco. Right. There are other industries you could work in if you lived here. That's absolutely true. The bicycle industry. Sure. Tap if you lived here that's absolutely true uh the bicycle industry sure tapas yes that's true and i'm sure there's others

no sadly that's it yeah that's the problem once the internet bubble burst um we had internet for a while for a while there was like web van You know Hey Jordan Yes Jesse Look At the counter in In the

What do you call that? The merchandise No idea what you're getting at At the merchandise booth back there Merch We've got these fantastic posters Now Granted

Did I remember to bring one up here On stage and set it So that I would have it right now No I certainly didn't But they're beautiful posters Absolutely I can attest to this

They're lovely posters They're printed in Pittsburgh Yep Pennsylvania Which is great Anyway I'm sure that there's a lot of people here

Who would love to win One of these posters I think so I think if we had Some sort of competition To where someone could win one that there's a lot of people here who would love to win one of these posters. I think so. I think if we had some sort of competition to where someone could win one, there would be a lot of enthusiastic volunteers. I don't know. Let me hear. Would there be some enthusiasm for that?

Jordan, look. Let's settle it this way. Okay. If I press the next slide button and there's the name of a competition in which someone... Then we'll do the competition. Otherwise, we'll just shut this whole thing down and go home. I like it. Okay.

Mispronouncing contest! We're going to do a mispronouncing contest. So I guess we need two volunteers for the mispronouncing contest. I see one right here with a gentleman with a blue shirt, it looks like. That looks good.

I think we could get a lady. Boys versus girls. Like a nice lady. The battle is all this time. What kind of lady? There's a lady right back there in the center. That better be a lady.

That better not be a fella. Yes, you. Yeah, point it to yourself. Come on up to the stage. I swear to God, if you're one of those dress fellas. Does anybody have any requests?

Some of my hits? Shut up! God, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Really sorry. Okay. Oh, good. It's ready. Ma'am, what's your name?

Chelsea. Chelsea, it's nice to meet you, Chelsea. Thank you for coming here. Thank you. Chelsea, do you live in San Francisco? No, I live in Concord. It's right over there by Butte, Montana. Right.

Oh, sure. Sure. I believe you followed the yellow line to get there. A line that I am completely unfamiliar with. I often wondered whether it was just a mythical land between 12th Street slash downtown Oakland.

415. It's nice. It's something I know. 51010 925 925 Oh nice Way out there Wow

Okay Fair enough Chelsea thank you for being here You're welcome And sir what's your name? Jeff Jeff it's a pleasure to have you on the program Pleasure to be here

Where are you from Jeff? San Francisco What part of San Francisco do you live in? I live in Noe Valley Oh that's a beautiful part of San Francisco do you live in? I live in Noe Valley. Oh, that's a beautiful part of San Francisco. Anybody else from Noe Valley here? Noe Valley is a wonderful, beautiful part of San Francisco. Should have spent some of that Noe Valley money on a different pair of pants, so I'm not going to lie to you.

I'm not going to sit here and bullshit you. Jeff. It was Jeff, right? I'm not getting that sit here and bullshit you. Jeff. It was Jeff, right? I'm not getting that wrong. That's correct. I will mention, though, that as soon as you said that, Chelsea started casually stroking them. So this might be what we call peacocking, right?

Yeah. Well, I thought they were soft like pajama pants, but they're wool. They're kind of rough. They're coarse. They look like, I'll tell you what they look like, and I'm not here to pick on you, Jeff. I thank you very much for coming up here. But you know how they make those pajama pants that look like jeans?

He looks like he's wearing jeans that look like pajama pants. That's just for the at-home listener. That's for people who can't see this. I'm not making fun of him. I'm just relating what the man's pants look like. That's it. All we're saying is that maybe Jeff got lost on his way to a Dave Matthews concert.

Okay, well, guys, I'm going to explain to you how this contest works. It's a mispronouncing contest, so what we're going to do is put a word up on the board there. You can see the big board. And you will have three seconds to think of a way to mispronounce it. Now, you can be wild and creative.

You can keep it nice and tight. There's a lot of different things you can do with this, and I'd love for you guys to play around with them as we continue through the game. But you will have only three seconds to decide. We'll start with you initially, Chelsea. And what will happen is when that buzzer goes off, you'll hear tick, tick, tick, buzz. You will immediately have to mispronounce the word. And then Jeff, you will immediately have to mispronounce the word. Then Jordan and I will decide who mispronounced it better.

Now, how will we decide that? That's why we run Hollywood, and you don't. Are you guys ready to do this? Yes. Hopefully we're ready up in the booth with the tick-tick-boom sound I made earlier. The first word is... dinosaur.

Chelsea. Omaha. The first word is Dinosaur Chelsea Omaha Jeff Dino Sour Dino Sour in Omaha I liked Dino Sour Dino Sour? Yeah, Chelsea's coming out with the curveball a little too early Yeah, I feel like she had to

Yeah, you gotta establish a pattern before you can break it. That's one of the rules of comedy. Sure, let's go with Dino Sour. Okay, we're going with Dino Sour on that one.

So one point for Jeff. Excuse me. Jeff, because you won that round, I will ask you to go first in this next round, okay? Our next word is...

Marsupial. Jeff. Marsupupial. Jeff. Marzipoopin. Chelsea. Chelsea. Marzipleel. Marzipleel. It was a little derivative.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. she didn't go for the potty humor, though. I don't know. That's Jeff all the way. Don't worry. There's ten words here, Chelsea.

Jeff, are you some sort of hustler at this? Are you some frail Chinese woman who shows up to a pool hall and then takes everyone's money? This is like that guy from Sugar Ray going on Celebrity Jeopardy. And then he knows all the answers and you're like, give me a break. You're from Sugar Ray.

That's how I feel. In this case, Sugar Ray is Jeff's pants. So Jeff, you'll have to go first again since you won that last round. Our next word... Green. Puce. Chelsea?

Cotton. I'm going Chelsea. Me too. Chelsea's coming back. She's got the crowd behind her. She's an out-of-towner. This is an away game for her. Fellas, if you show her some love,

Chelsea will rub your pants. So, Chelsea, we're back to having you go first in this next round since you won that round. Okay. Your word is... Philosopher. Chelsea. Philosopher.

Jeff. Philo gopher. I'm going Chelsea. Yeah, me too. Yeah, it's all tied up. Okay, Chelsea, you're going first this time around. The word... Confident.

Disqualified. Too long. That could point to Jeff. Jeff, would you like to share with us how you were going to mispronounce it? I lack confidence. That's good that she forfeited. Jeff, would you like to share with us how you were going to mispronounce it? I lack confidence. That's good that she forfeited.

Because that was terrible. Jeff now leads three to two. Our next word, fireplace. Jeff. Lincoln log. Chelsea. Fireplace. I'm going Chelsea. Lincoln Log. Chelsea. Fireplace. I'm going Chelsea.

Me too. Yeah. Misplaced emphasis. All about emphasis. Misplaced em... Or how about this? Misplaced emphasis. Yes. Okay, Chelsea.

You're going first this next time around. Your word? Raspberry. Okay Chelsea You're going first This next time around Your word Raspberry Chelsea Raspberry Jeff Schnazberry Jeff Yeah Jeff

I don't like Here's the thing I'm not crazy About Jeff's technique Of saying other words Because I feel like He's gone to it Every time And Chelsea's I don't like... Here's the thing. I'm not crazy about Jeff's technique of saying other words. Because I feel like he's gone to it every time. And Chelsea's been staying tight,

but sometimes Chelsea doesn't even really mispronounce the word. She seems to just be reading the word. Chelsea, you have excellent diction. I can see you going to some sort of finishing school for girls. Jordan thinks a lot about finishing schools for girls. I wish I could go. I literally, before we go off stage,

I have to snatch the book off of the top of Jordan's head. It's true. Okay. And then sometimes I'll just come downstairs and recite for no reason. That's a more Victorian thing. Jeff's going first this time. Our next word. Subatomic.

Jeff. Subatomic. Chelsea. Subatomic. What do you think? That's a tough one. That is a tough one. I like the sing song quality.

I do. I like subatomic. That is a tough one. I like the sing-song quality. I do. I like subatomic. That is the quality that I like. Five to three. Jeff has a commanding lead now. We've only got two left. You can only bring this back within a tie within regulation here. Okay, Chelsea?

And he's sudden death. That's exciting. And we should explain that the winner gets a poster and the loser is murdered. So the stakes are high. You wouldn't know. That's more of a Richmond thing, Chelsea. I know things about the Bay Area. I know the different graffitis for Nortenos.

Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta. Nortenos wear Niners hats. Serenos wear Cowboys hats. And they all hate the little white faggot. That's true.

Okay. Jeff, you'll have to go first in this round. Your word is... Recipe. Recipe. Recipe. Chelsea? I forfeit. That was pretty good. Yeah, that was perfect.

Here's what you didn't know. A curveball! Atlee Hammacher style. That was pretty deep catalog. I probably should have gone Rick Big Daddy Russell. That's a B-side. Brian Wilson? Okay, he doesn't even throw a curveball

This one's worth ten points Rendering the rest of the boot! The rest of the game meaningless! Are you ready? Jeff, you're going to have to go first this time Because you hold a commanding lead Of six to three meaningless points.

Your word is Italian Prime Minister Silvio Burlesconi. Inoxalab olives. Chelsea, the ball is in your court.

Silvio Barsconi Puccini. I like that nonsense sound. Our winner is Chelsea, ladies and gentlemen. Oh! Congratulations, Chelsea You've become the world champion Finally

Chelsea will win one of our handsome posters We've got two kinds of posters in the lobby Our special thanks to You Look Nice Today You can find us online at MaximumFun.org. You can find You Look Nice Today online at YouLookNiceToday.com. Thank you so much for coming out and selling this place out on a Sunday night. We've been Jordan, Jesse, and Goh. Thank you very much.

Yes! So, there you have it. Special thanks to Jim Forneatis from The Dark Room in San Francisco for recording the show and to SF Sketch Fest for inviting us. By the way, if you'd like to invite us to come perform at your event or theater or whatever, and, you know, you have at least some money, email our development director teresa at maximumfund.org we'll see you next time on jordan jesse go