Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 164: Special Hug with Theresa Thorn

Episode Date: February 18, 2011

Theresa Thorn joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about women's magazines, the birds and the bees.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, a very special guest and some very special news.

It's a very special episode of Jordan, Jesse Go. Let's go. Welcome to Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm your host, Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. With me, of course, as always, my dog, Coco, in the distance. I'm Jordan Morris' boy detective. Are you pushing me out slowly? Yeah, no, I'm trying to replace you. Number one, look, everyone agrees Jordan's adorable.

You go on the Maximum Fun message boards, everyone's saying, how adorable is that Jordan Morris? But you're not as adorable as Coco is. This is an adorable dog with a scruffy face. But I think you're also overstating how much people talk about how adorable I am on the message boards. Mostly they talk about Minecraft.

There's, there's, don't worry, there's a MaxFun-friendly Minecraft server. You know what? I take a lot of pride in kind of knowing about dork stuff. I still don't know what that is. Really? You don't know what that is at all? It would be simple to find out what it is, but I have not known what that is for a while. I think that it's essentially the same as Second City.

No. Second Life. Second City. No. Second Life. Second Life. You're thinking of Chicago. In my head I said, it's not Second Craft. Don't say that. But I think it's like that in that it's just a virtual world in which the friendless gather to build piles of polygons.

Right? Isn't that what it is? I think it's one of these things where it's... I don't know this, and we're going to be corrected, of course. Absolutely. Maybe there is a point to this game. But I think it's like Second Life in that there's no point to it. And so the only point to it is to hope that one day it'll come up on The View. Hope that one day you'll get it to the point of cultural phenomenon where enough people have talked about it that it comes up on The View.

That's a good hypothesis. Is Joy Behar still on The View or does she just host The Joy Behar Show? I think she's still on The View. She's great. Yeah? Yeah, I think she's definitely the best still on The View or does she just host The Joy Behar Show? I think she's still on The View. Hmm. She's great. Yeah? Yeah, I think she's definitely the best person on The View. I've been talking to more and more comedians from kind of our sphere who are coming on The Joy Behar Show to riff.

Really? Yeah. Well, riffing is big in the world of television these days. Yeah, yeah. Television is becoming a riff-based industry. By the way, we should introduce our guest on this week's program. Joy Behar. How are ya?

That's my Joy Behar impression. Our real guest, of course, known widely as one of the most beautiful women in the world. One of the most brilliant women in the world. One of the most brilliant women in the world. Still could be talking about Behar. At this point, it's not not Behar. Frankly, only not an international supermodel because her husband is so rich and successful that she doesn't need to be. She considers it too much hassle. Oh, whoopee.

Yes. Okay. Whoopee, I'm referring, of course, to Ted Danson. Sure. My wife, Teresa Thorne. Teresa, welcome to Jordan, Jessico. Thank you. I'm glad to be here.

We've been talking about having Teresa as a guest on Jordan, Jessico for a long time and never did it for some reason. Probably, I mean, she's not qualified to be here. No. Nobody wants to hear me on this show. Yeah, there's no doubt about that. The strategy is we want to have somebody who has a lot of heat on Twitter to come on the show.

Recommend the show on Twitter. Get us some new listeners. Somebody like me who tweets at least once a month. Upwards of once a month. Sometimes as often as thrice a month. Wow. Well, okay. Well, I mean, I guess maybe that's something if your monthly tweet is about this, maybe there is some value in that. trying to decide how I feel about fans of our programming who follow my wife on Twitter

because she works for MaximumFun.org now, right? She's the development director of MaximumFun.org. So she's, you know, she's in a way she's sort of a public figure. I mean, people who have questions about their donations email her. No. I mean, sure. She's no, you know, good luck Jonathan. Jordan, how many weeks have you been waiting to say the name of what, Liberian president?

What is he the president of? I think Nigeria. I mean, if I'm wrong, I'm racist. Any way I'm wrong if i'm wrong i'm right any way i'm wrong i'm racist but i don't know a lot about the man other than the he has a hilarious name you're mostly racist because that joke didn't make any sense it was just obviously you just wanted to say good luck jonathan i was deciding between uh good luck jonathan or baby doc duvalier so that's why it like took a little bit longer for me to make a call.

Jordan, can I recommend that when you're deciding between those two as a reference, you keep in mind that Baby Doc Duvalier was one of the most brutal dictators in North American history? I think he's the son of one of the most brutal dictators in North America. Well, Papa Doc was more brutal, yes. Papa Doc was legendary. He was brutal for many, many, many years. And then Baby Doc was for a relatively short period of time. Hilarious names, though, right?

Hey, there's no doubt that those are hilarious names. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that they're not. Sure. Baby Doc Duvalier, Papa Doc Duvalier, Pol Pot. Oh, man, Pol Pot. Joseph Stalin. Yeah. We have a lot of fun here.

How are you doing, Teresa? I'm good. Is it exciting to be on the program? It is. It's very exciting to be here. You were on one of the first Jordan Jesse Goes briefly for something, right? I was on, yeah, I was on in our one bedroom apartment in Koreatown when we talked to Rachel about Sex and the City and whether Sex and the City was

good. Right. Why people like Sex and the City and whether it was good. I remember that segment. That was a fun segment. Two movies later and the answer is a resounding yes. Jordan, remember when we used to have like segments and things we did on this show?

Yeah, plans content. Man, I'm glad we're out of those woods. Well, it's great to have you on the program. Teresa actually hosted The Sound of Young America once. Did you know that, Jordan? I did not know that. It was shortly after you graduated from college and moved down here to Southern California

to work in the entertainment industry. Sure. I believe at the time you were working in the, you were working for the guy who invented Fox Celebrity Boxing. Yeah, probably. I have done that. Teresa, I had this dream.

You're already wrong. I'm wrong? Yeah. I had the dream. You had the dream? Yeah. Man, you guys are just like Al and Peg Bundy. Do people tell you that? People tell you you're just like Al and Peg Bundy, right? Would you give me a tushy rub? Oh, can I divert and talk about it?

That's what they said on that show. That's gross anyway. Yeah. Whatever. Peg wanted Al to rub her tushy. Can I say something about Married with Children real quick? That's what made it a joke. I get it.

Yeah, okay. Say something about Married with Children. How about this? It was funny when I made that joke about Married with Children. It was very funny. Okay, go ahead. Married with Children. How about this? It was funny when I made that joke about Married with Children. It was very funny. Okay, go ahead. Married with Children is all on Netflix. I thought it would be fun to just watch the

very final episode of Married with Children to see how they wrapped it up. They don't. The final episode of Married with Children is just this free-floating episode with no conclusion. Married with Children was the longest-running sitcom of its era? Yeah, it had 11 seasons, I think.

Did they know they were stopping it? Yeah, maybe. I mean, one can only assume no, because you would think that a show with that pedigree would want to have some sort of grand farewell. I think that every year it was like up in the air, are they going to renew Married with Children or not? Yeah.

On the one hand, it reliably placed in the third quartile of the ratings. It was consistently pulling in that 2.6 that was so vital to the Fox network at the time. On the other hand, it also was an embarrassment from a foregone age. Sure. I guess at some point Married with Children was like edgy? Yeah, no, I think so. But yeah, and you could definitely, yeah, watching that last episode and just it being all about like like very clearly set up put downs

like that being the basically the whole show uh like i think in the episode like al's bitchy boss actually goes now excuse me i have to leave i need some beauty rest and after she leaves he says she's gonna be sleeping a long time like someone's saying something that people don't say just so someone else can slam them uh but yeah and it's weird that in like 1996 that was still a show but yeah no i think when it was you know it was i don't know what was it but what you know i think i think when it came out, 11 years before that. 1985. It was the era of the kind of full house-like sitcom. This was pretty full house, though. Yeah, yeah.

But, I mean, that kind of, I have a feeling that. Like a facts of life type situation. Yeah, yeah. Even kind of in that little. Wasn't there even some weird government law for a while that, like, programming on after a certain point had to include like x amount of lesson-based episodes i don't know about that i feel like i that that could be wrong but i feel like at some point there was a you have that kind of uh conceit of the very special episode that those were somehow government mandated really anyways uh but that could be nonsense. I feel like that might be something more about, like, justifying why something was in a certain time slot.

Like, it was okay to have it on at a time when kids could be watching TV if... You dealt with abortions. Sure, yes, if DJ had an abortion. Sure, yes, if DJ had an abortion. But anyways, I think maybe that was Married with Children's calling card, as it was the crass version of that. In like 1990 or 1991, I remember I was watching TV with my dad, and we were watching Blossom. tv uh with my dad and we were watching blossom and um it was an episode where blossom got or maybe blossom's friend whose name i don't remember

six uh not to be confused with seven erica badu and andre 3000's child um oh really yeah i think so or jazz no seven um blossom or seven or six got her period and my dad sensed a teachable moment and said jesse do you know what a period is and i said no and my dad said well if you'd like i can explain it to you and i said no did you really not know what it is i don't think i knew what it was i think it was like nine or ten this is not something i want to talk about with my dad maybe nine i was yeah i don't think i did know what it was i mean i think i had a vague sense of what it was but i didn't actually know what it was but i did not

want to learn about it from blossom even then i knew that it was that i didn't that i had more dignity than that oh so it wasn't that you didn't want to have the talk with your dad it was that you didn't want it to you didn't want to give blossom the benefit of being the thing that made you and your dad that was exactly what it was you don't want to yeah you don't want to remember your birds in the beats talk and also have an echo of joey lawrence saying whoa in your head you don't want those things linked the only like the only like coming of age father and son things that i remember are that and that when i was like seven or eight and my dad we were on a camping trip and uh my dad decided to give me the birds and the bees talk i remember that i knew that the penis went in the vagina already like i already knew all about that but when he I knew that the penis went in the vagina already. Like, I already knew all about that.

But when he told me that the guy takes it out and puts it back in over and over, that blew my mind. I was like, why would you want to take it out? It's in there. Is it the whole idea to have it in there? I think it's funny that your dad told you that he takes it out and puts it back in well he was that's not like really a crucial component of the talk the other shame the other shameful moment uh the other shameful moment that i remember from that talk um was my dad said have you ever have you ever gotten an erection and uh again i was maybe eight and my brother had was like a baby and uh i said no because i didn't know what an erection was

uh and he said well you know everyone gets them mean, even your brother gets them. And I was like, I, he said, he realized halfway through saying that, that he was essentially telling me, come on, babies get boners. Your dick's never been hard. That was on after Married with Children for a while, wasn't it? Babies get boners. Yeah. It was Married with Children, Herman it? Babies get boners. Yeah. It was Married with Children, Herman's Head, Babies Get Boners. Yeah. Oops.

I hit something. Yeah. It's okay, Jordan. This was the extent of my sex talk. I went sex talkless for a long time. And for some reason, my dad, and I was way too old. I was maybe like 16. My dad took me out for just this really

really awkward lunch now jordan i would just want to clarify yeah when you say you were 16 you were 16 what in the 1950s yes i was yes i was i had my first steady you grew up in orange county in the 1950s you of course grew up on an orange grove yeah right i did that i was placed into cryogenic freezing sure uh wait he took you out to lunch yeah i forget i remember us outside on a patio that wasn't you know well if you want to talk sex you want to talk about it chilies yeah right exactly if you're not a claim jumpers how are you going to talk about boners and vaginas yeah right they have the hottest waitresses. And this is just all... And he was just squirming through the whole thing.

And I'm like, oh, God, I know what you're... I didn't want to say, like, just do it or don't, you know, but there was just, like, discomfort. Oh, just say it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Not, like, whip it out or something. No, yeah, come on, Dan. Come on, just do it.

Let's measure it. Let's measure it uh let's make sure um and he just like when you have sex i just put a condom on you don't want your dick to start bleeding that was it like that was like what he was building to. I could tell he maybe wanted to say more, but it's like, you know what? I don't want to make this uncomfortable. I want to boil this down to one important sentence. He wanted to say more, but then he accidentally played his trump card first. Sure, yeah, exactly. You don't want your dick to start bleeding.

That's horrible. And then that was it. And then we just went home. And I'm like, oh, okay. But I guess I didn't want it to go on any longer than that. No, you didn't need additional information from him. I assume you didn't need additional information at that point. Yeah.

Teresa, you must have had a really reasonable, practical... Because your mother, my beloved mother-in-law, works with adolescent girls for her career to help make them well-adjusted adults, right? So like you must have just gotten like regular. Well, I just knew about sex since I was like four because- You were mega slutty. Because I just kept asking my parents.

Like I just kept asking them where babies came from. And my mom would always say, well, it's a special hug. Oh. And then I would say – That seems very like ripped out of the 70s like that seems very like our bodies ourselves like free to be you and me like that she just pulled a hard cover off the top shelf of the bookshelf opened it up and you just saw this amazing expansive expansive pubic hair. I kept saying, like, but

why is the hug special? Let me put on this record and Harry Nilsson will explain it to you. And my mom... And she replied, Nilsson schmilsson. Sure. And my mom... What a coincidence. That's the record where he explains

sex. My mom would say, well, it's a special hug between two people who really love each other. And when they have the hug, God knows to send them a baby. That's terrific. And I kept asking, but how does God know it's the hug? How does he know it's the special hug? And so my mom said that she finally just relented because she was so sick of me asking. So she just explained what sex was.

And then as soon as she explained it to me, and I don't remember this. You started fucking. You just got out there playing the field. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, but so I don't really remember. And then, like, you know, there were, I guess there were more talks beyond that, but I don't really remember. I mean, like, my mom got me one of those little books, like, what's happening to my body when I turn 12, I think. I don't know.

I didn't have, I don't think I had very traumatic... I feel like we have thousands of listeners. It would be funny if there was a book called What's Happening to My Body, Asshole, A Guide for Confrontational Children. Kids who just won't let shit drop yeah um i feel like we have thousands upon thousands of listeners and there must have been some who who got oh the world's most horrible sex talk right yeah should we just to action item right open it up this is a wonderful

action item 206-984-4 fun the number to call yeah if anybody's got one of those classic grandpa took me to a whorehouse stories too i would love to hear one of those keep it pithy 206-984-4 fun we'll be back in just a second with more of jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorn america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective i'm theresa you've been have you been planning that for like that you're just going to shoot down the whole conceit of our introductions? No, I hadn't really thought about it. I'm supposed to have a nickname. Yeah, we should explain that you've never listened to Jordan Jessingo.

Obviously I've listened to it. I just wasn't really thinking about the nickname. I believe your exact quote was, I've heard enough of you and Jordan talking in my life. I think I did say that at one point um no i like to listen to it sometimes thank you blue moons on occasion leap days oh these are tight i thought you were going to list marshmallow shapes. These are days when she would listen to Jordan and Jesse go. It's like, yeah? Clovers.

Screen clovers. Jordan, I feel like there may be a reason why you're obsessed with marshmallows. Yeah, jeez. I've given up sugar. Okay, so wait. We have to backtrack here from that. Why and how have you given up sugar? Wait, I want to up sugar. Okay, so wait. We have to backtrack here from that. Why and how have you given up sugar? Wait, I want to know when.

I think the when is at least as important. Guys, we'll get to all of this. What have you given up sugar? Wait, where? I saw a buddy of mine for the first time in a while and he, uh, you know, like me was kind of a, you know, kind of an out of shape guy. Not like, not a fat guy, but, you know, kind of a, kind of a paunchy guy. And I saw him and he just looked great. He looked, he looked amazing.

Uh, just fuckable. Just so fuckable. Um, and he's like, yeah, you know, you know he's like i'm not my and we kind of have similar schedules like he works in tv production too and like we have kind of similar problems like having to eat fast and not having a lot of exercise time he's like i just gave up sugar just sugar and this is it and i is it. And I look and feel better. I thought, great. I've kind of had this dilemma.

It's pilot season here in LA. I'm doing a lot of auditions and I'm a little more self-conscious about my appearance than I normally am. I've been getting a lot of roles. We should explain. I've been getting a lot of roles. We should explain. Pilot season is when the boats in the harbor audition people to pilot the boats. Right.

To light their stoves. Yes. I'm up for one role in particular where the whole thing of this character is that he's out of shape. And he's a personal trainer where the joke is he's in bad shape uh so it's like well i still want to go for these out of shape nerd rules but i don't want to be like an actual out of shape nerd right uh so i thought that would be something i could do just just cut a thing out of my diet and and hopefully just see some see some results um And I am fucking miserable. I have no idea how much sugar I ate. I even thought to myself, I don't think I eat that many sweets.

No, I ate a ton. And all I think about is pancakes. Basically, like pancakes have now eclipsed sex as primary thought. So have you given up all refined sugar? Like, have you given up sweetened baked goods and that kind of thing? Yeah, yeah. So, you know, like, yeah. But what about, like, juice?

I'll still drink a glass of orange juice. Okay. Which I know is kind of sugary. It's basically the same as eating a candy bar. Yeah, it's it's basically the same basically a soda yeah yeah um that's probably the next step yeah yeah is cutting out stuff like that um but yes yeah yeah if you i well actually maybe i shouldn't even jump in because you're not even done but i i went through this like when was it it was in college, maybe. God, it sucked. Yeah, it really sucked. But I totally hear you. But the hardest part for me was I would still try to eat sugar in weird, cheaty ways.

Like juice or weird stuff at the health food store that's sweetened with fructose and stuff. Yeah, white grape juice. Basically, what i discovered is it has it all has like the same effect yeah um unless you're eating actually an orange which like is totally different like it's totally fine but um but the thing about juice that actually this actually really did help me if you drink a glass of juice in the morning your body is gonna crave sugar the whole rest of the day it really is and if you don't if you drink a glass of juice in the morning your body is gonna crave sugar the whole rest of the day it really is and if you don't if you just have like coffee or milk or whatever you will not

like without sugar you would like it will make a huge difference in the amount that you want the rest of the day well here's the thing is that i have replaced whenever i get the craving i just drink a cup of coffee like a lot of coffee is available to me at all times. And I was never a coffee drinker. I like to have, you know, when I'm at a nice restaurant, I like to have an espresso after dinner. But that was like kind of, yeah, you know, maybe I'd have a cup of coffee a week. But now I'm like kind of in the three a day range. And I am a fucking poop and fart machine.

And I still just want pancakes more than anything. and i still just want pancakes more than anything and it's it's it's it's weird because i am like yeah i am like seeing how like coffee can be useful to like affect your mood and productivity and definitely really helps with the sweet cravings but yes i am just like a smelly bathroom destroying monster and you're pissed off. Yeah, and I'm mad. And I'm mad. And every time I drive by a Denny's, I have to bite my tongue a little bit. How long have you been doing this?

This is a month and some change. Wow. Wow, a month. So I feel like by now you should have been like... Yo, I shouldn't be this angry. Yeah, you should be used to it now. I should be fine with it. Yeah, but yeah, no, I'm really not.

And I've been in a lot of situations where I've just been taunted by desserts, I feel like. this angry yeah you should i should be fine with it yeah but yeah no i'm really not uh and i've i've been in a lot of situations where i've just been taunted by desserts i feel like i uh i do these uh we were talking a couple weeks ago with allison hayslip about uh the spread at press junkets oh god it's everything has cheesecake at it now everything i go to just has free cheesecake that you can just eat. And yeah, anyways. And you don't cheat? I have not. No, I actually haven't. I had had a few glasses of orange juice,

which I only recently figured out is probably... I should just drink a Coke, probably. But anyways. That's amazing, though. That you haven't cheated in those circumstances. Where it's given to you for free, I feel like it's so hard to just... Oh, yeah.

I feel like I'm losing money if I do it. Yeah. I feel like it's even like a cheapskate thing with me. Like, I better eat it. Do you enjoy it the way that a 19-year-old vegetarian enjoys being a vegetarian? Like, do you get satisfaction just out of the fact that you're, and let's face it, better than other people? Sure. No, I definitely talk about it too much.

I feel like I make it a topic of conversation more than people want to hear about it. Well, it does. Look, and I want to be clear. When I say that it makes you better than other people, it does. And I also think that vegetarianism makes you better than other people sure it totally does and yet that's why it's so frustrating this from a man who announced a few nights ago i hate vegetarian right because what are you supposed to cook when they come over for dinner all i want to eat is meat yeah meat's delicious no you know i do feel like like I do feel a little better, and I feel like I look a little better. Well, there's no doubt that you look fantastic.

You look adorable, if I might say. Thank you. I don't know if you've been reading the forums lately. Only the Minecraft stuff comes up for me. I don't know. Maybe I'm in the wrong portal. Yeah, so I don't know what to do. I mean, the coffee thing is working, and I'm kind of enjoying this new relationship with coffee,

but I don't like the shitting and the feeling like I'm just going to blast a fart in public. You'll probably adjust to that. Your body will get used to it. Is that something that happens? I've literally never drank a coffee yeah i mean i think you're really sensitive to it at first but like after like i mean i would think after like a few months you're just like it's not even going to be noticeable like your body just just to it right now you're basically power blasting farts yeah and po and poops. Yeah, I feel like I definitely had this...

I had a moment recently where I was in kind of the back of a comedy theater and they have kind of tiny bathrooms in the back of these places. And I destroyed a bathroom and a guy went in right after me and I was 20 feet away and I just heard, whoa! Like a genuine shock and surprise at this guy who had come into the bathroom after me.

And you just walked back there with your mug of coffee in your hand. Yeah, exactly. Smiling from ear to ear. And then tried to engage him in a long conversation about how I want pancakes do you actually I'm interested to know how you came to be fixated upon pancakes specifically don't know don't know why it is

pancakes just have a lot of carbs and they're really they're like sweet but they're like I mean you're probably just craving carbs because sugar was probably your most like main source of carbs what about jelly beans? Why isn't he craving jelly beans? No, no.

Here. I usually don't like fruity candy. I like – if I'm eating candy, I like something chocolatey. OK. Like a chocolate peanut butter combo is just my ultimate thing. By the way, they just released a peanut butter Snickers. So fuck that too. But anyways,

yeah, I saw a bowl of Starburst the other day, something that I don't like and I'm just like, oh, I gotta fucking have those. Yeah,

I was like feeling sexual about this bowl of Starburst. Did you put your dick in the bowl at all? Yeah, yeah, I did. Because that doesn't count

as eating. No, I know. And that's what I've been doing is I've been like fucking a lot of food. But not ingesting it and i wear a condom i don't want my dick to start bleeding what are you gonna do i don't know i guess maybe your dad was fucking hard candies maybe that was a fucking gobstoppers the problem is that the problem with

all of these kinds of things is that it is really cool that you can just stop eating sugar and you'll, like, lose a bunch of weight. Like, that really does work. But then as soon as you want to eat normally, you're just going to gain the weight. Like, it's like you basically, I mean, you can just decide, oh, I want to be, like, skinny for a while and then, like, give yourself a break at some point. Do you think that you're never going to eat sugar again god i know i mean you're just getting cut for pilot season yeah it's got to get cut the boats think you can really toss that fuel into the fire yeah um the boats themselves are doing the casting in this scenario by the way yeah um i think i god i don't know that's a good i mean

i hope i get to an i mean i don't want to be a kind of person to where if everyone's going out for ice cream, I have to like make a fucking issue of it. And I enjoy ice creams and pancakes and stuff, you know. So, yeah, I mean, I would definitely want to. What would you do? Oh, you could do a special occasion thing. Yeah, yeah. Or just, I mean, if anything else, I'm super aware of how much sugar I ate. Yeah.

I mean, if anything else, I'm super aware of how much sugar I ate. Yeah. I got to tell you, when I was on the migraine headache diet, which is before I think Jordan and Jesse Goh existed, because we were living in San Francisco, I get these horrible migraine headaches, as listeners probably know. And I bought this book about how to get rid of your migraine headaches or how to control your migraine headaches. And one of the things in the book was, it was a diet that essentially eliminated everything that is a migraine trigger for anybody.

And this is a pretty broad range of things. But it was, the idea is you eliminate these things for six months. And then at the end of six months, you know that you're sort of like have a base level and you can start trying things one at a time to see whether or not they're a migraine trigger. And I had to give up.

I gave up. I still, I gave up like bananas, citrus, all caffeine, all chocolate, all cheese, all freshly baked goods. fresh, fresh baked goods with yeast in them. Um, and it was brutal. But the thing that I wanted to eat more than anything else in the world was cheese. I wanted to eat cheese so fucking bad.

All like a thing. And this is just somebody who I used to drink tons of Dr. Pepper and I still love Dr. Pepper. But cheese was what I wanted. I just wanted cheese so much. Yeah, man. I can't even fathom a world where you're not supposed to eat cheese. By the end of the six – That's just self-abuse it seems by the end of the six months i had basically decided that whether or not my

grains cheese gave me migraines i was going to eat cheese i was like hopefully some cheeses will be better than others and thankfully they didn't it didn't end up doing this but i had like i knew that at the end of six months i would be able to at least try it and see if it, if, and I found out some things that I would love to eat today. I had no idea at the time, uh, that, uh, onions and garlic were big triggers for me until I did this thing and I ate them and I was like, oh, I, it seems like every time I eat onions or garlic, I get a migraine. Um, but, oh God, if I didn't have that six month time window,'s the thing like what are you going to do are you going to like

there's no there's no definitive end yeah no I know and I definitely didn't think it out I mean I just started doing it after I had this conversation with this buddy of mine yeah I don't know I think I'm

you know maybe I'll even make the end of pilot season as fucking douchey as that is. Uh, as long as you have wheatgrass every day and you do a cleanse in the middle. Right. Yeah, exactly. Uh, as long as I can still go out for sushi. Um, um, yeah, maybe I'll kind of make that my end and then just try and kind of have a sensible relationship with sugar where i have some sort of sweet once a week or something yeah once a week

yeah maybe huh i don't know yeah i don't know either i don't know either i am i think it's a really good idea to have an end like to have a planned end or at least have a planned break at some point because otherwise you're going to like drive yourself totally insane. For a while, I had almost completely given up ice cream because I realized when I gave up all chocolate and things with caffeine that that's the only kind of ice cream I actually liked. But then – and so – because every good kind of ice cream has at least some chocolate in it sure I mean nobody just sits there

and eats vanilla ice cream except our friend Jimmy Pardo oh you know I'll eat a scoop of vanilla ice cream really yeah yeah

that was definitely the ice cream of choice in my house growing up it's good yeah I don't understand that yeah I don't understand it

dulce de leche dulce de leche yeah Dulce de leche. Yeah, it's unremarkable. It's no good. Oh, I enjoy it. But then I discovered this peanut brittle kind of ice cream that's got like peanuts and peanut brittle and it's kind of peanut buttery flavored ice cream. Man, I'm getting hard over here.

And now I'm just eat more ice cream than I did before I gave up chocolate just because I found one that's kind of like having a chocolatey flavor experience. Like one that has some of that richness and doesn't taste fruity. Yes. No, hey, yeah. I hear you. Yeah. Someone said to me that I should maybe just go and try and get sugar-free sweets or something. But I feel like that would have that sort of reaction where I would just be this guy with this bag of fake chocolate peanuts.

It's sad. Look at it this way. It's sad when you're a grandma. Yeah. On the other hand, maybe it would have a kind of a reverse effect. Maybe if a young dude does it, that makes it edgy instead of sad. And then grandmas won't feel so bad

when they have to do it? No, grandmas will be confused as to why the young men are acting cool while they do it. Yeah. Well, then we'll high five. That'll be funny. Sort of like how if Teresa... Hopefully she be funny. Sort of like how if Teresa...

Hopefully she starts rapping. Sort of like how if Teresa decided, or a group of Teresa and her peers decided to get their hair set once a week. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, that would be like an edgy thing for them to do. Yeah.

Well, maybe that's it. Maybe that's old. I kind of want to do that. Old person behavior. It'd be kind of cool. It sounds kind of great because you only have to like, you go in, you get the treatment.

You don't have to do anything. They take care of you. You talk to the girls. You talk to the girls. You get your hair set. It's all nice. And then after that, you don't have to wash your hair for a week.

Yeah, you just wear like a... You wear a shower cap. Maybe, I mean, last year it was fixed gear bikes. This year, it's old person behaviors. Just in general, just behaving like an old person.

Sugar-free candy, getting your hair set, and racism. You know what I think I'm gonna do? What? As a solution to this situation? I was thinking, I can't really at the end of pilot season

start eating chocolate again. But here's what I can do. At the end of pilot season, I'm gonna give up getting migraines. Oh, that's nice. That sounds really great. I'm always thinking, you guys. You're going to want to keep those for pilot season, though.

Really? With all these funny migraine characters that are popular these days. They're always casting for migraineurs. Sure. Migraineurs. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Teresa. I still haven't come up with a nickname. No. You got a couple more hours. Is it my job to come up with it? Yeah, you have ever come up with a nickname. No. You've got a couple more hours. Is it my job to come up with it? Yeah, you have to come up with it.

What do you think? We've come up with all the great nicknames over the years? Do you think we came up with Explodo? You think we came up with Kevin Sprinkles Pereira? I think we did come up with that, maybe. We did. But that was the only one. That was the only one we've ever come up with. And we're not doing it for you because we're tired of it.

That is the only great nickname we've ever come up with. Look at our nicknames. They're shit. Yeah. Seth Morris Tall Glass of Fag it. That is the only great nickname we've ever come up with. Look at our nicknames. They're shit. Seth Morris, tall glass of faggot. That wasn't us. That was Seth Morris. Seth Morris brought that into the game. The great Seth Morris.

Could it be Tito's? Well, that's a real cute name that I call you. So it has to be a different one. We don't want to gross out Jordan. You don't want to gross me out. Not in front of my friends, Teresa. Sorry, Jordan.

Sorry, Jordan. That's okay. Have you guys seen the movie that has past Jordan, Jesse Goh guests, Seth Morris, and Rob Corddry called Cedar Rapids? No, I'm excited to see it, though. It's great.

It's really funny. I watched the movie Paul. Oh, I'm going to watch that next week. I enjoyed it. I thought it was fun and funny. Teresa was with me. I watched the movie Paul. Oh, I'm going to watch that next week. I enjoyed it. I thought it was fun and funny. Teresa was with me. Yeah, it was good. It was really good.

Yeah, it was a lot of fun. This is the guys from Shaun of the Dead. They wrote this movie and star in it. Greg Mottola directed it, who directed various other films. Sure. Adventureland. Adventureland, which I loved, and the TV set, which I also loved. I think that was Jake Kasdan.

Jake Kasdan directed the TV set? I think so. Son of Lawrence Kasdan, who directed Empire Strikes Back. So what's the other thing that Greg Mottola directed? Superbad? Yes. Okay. He directed Superbad, and then he, yes, you're right.

Anyway. Anyway, it's a delightful film. This is a lot of fun then he, yes, you're right. Anyway. Anyway, it's a delightful film. This is a lot of fun. Yeah, no, I'm excited. The press junket for Paul will include flying to Las Vegas. Yes. Getting into RVs. Yes.

And driving out into the middle of the desert for a desert party. I'm looking forward to that. Are you allowed to use money while you're at the desert party? No. You can only trade LSDs. I don't know how similar to Burning Man it will be. It's put on by a movie studio, so I think it'll be not that similar to Burning Man. It'll probably be comfortable.

There will probably just be a lot of alien-shaped popsicles or something. Yeah, which I can't eat. Oh, sorry about that, Jordan. Oh, fuck. Hey, can we talk about something important? Do you mind if we take a moment on Jordan, Jesse, Go to talk about something actually of consequence? I don't like important stuff. Okay, fine.

We're not going to talk about it. No, I do. I do. I changed my mind. Yeah, see? I called her bluff, Jordan. Nice. That's what our relationship is built constant power struggle is built on a foundation of belligerence yeah mutual belligerence

like a big acting class exercise one of you is always high status one of you is always low status and you walk like your favorite animal i i had this acting class it will get to the important thing in a second i had this i took this acting class um at san francisco state university and i genuinely don't remember why i think it was because if i took it there then i didn't have to take something in high school that was why i took most of the classes i took in college and when i was in high school and um was why I took most of the classes I took in college when I was in high school. And I remember they gave us that exercise. We had to go to the zoo and observe an animal

and then come into class and act like that animal. And I just remember being so disappointed when I didn't go to the zoo or even pick an animal until we were sitting in there. And I just acted like a monkey. And then the teacher was like, see, Jesse went to the zoo and observed an animal. Why didn't the rest of you? I remember being so sad and feeling like such an asshole. This nice lady, all she does is teach acting classes

to dipshits at San Francisco State. And I lied to her. On the other hand, isn't that what acting is? Exactly. Just a series of lies? Mm-hmm. A series of beautiful lies, I would say. Acting is a series of beautiful lies.

Jake Kaz didn't say that? Jake Gyllenhaal said that. Oh, okay. Jake Gyllenhaal, that? Jake Gyllenhaal said that. Oh, okay. Jake Gyllenhaal, the great Jake Gyllenhaal. That makes, remembering his performance in Prince of Persia, that makes sense. Star of the band Her and Him, Jake Gyllenhaal. Sure.

Okay, Teresa and I need to talk about something to everybody out there, right? Yep. This has been hard. We have not said a word about this for the past four months. I don't know. I feel like maybe you should say, Teresa. I don't know.

Well, we've only known for three months. Okay. So we haven't said anything about this in literally a year. The year that this has been going on. Well, I'm pregnant. With a baby! A baby? Wait, do I faint like I didn't know?

We didn't plan this going in. We didn't decide what the setup for this was going to be. Well, it would be fun if we... Why don't we do this? Okay. We'll do it both ways. All right. And then people can decide at home which one they're going to listen to.

Wait, before I start acting, what does Jake Gyllenhaal say about acting again? He's a series of beautiful lies. Okay. You're talking about Jake Gyllenhaal from the Arcade Fire? Yeah, that's true.ies. Okay. You're talking about Jake Gyllenhaal from the Arcade Fire? Yeah, that's true. Right. Yeah. Okay, so we did it once with you knowing.

Okay. Now we're going to do it without you knowing. Yeah. Go ahead, Teresa. Jordan, I have something to tell you. Well, shoot. I'm pregnant. Fuck!

Okay. How was that? Let's do it one more time. And this time, when she says that you're pregnant, you're's do it one more time. And this time when she says that you're pregnant, you're worried that it's your kid. Okay. Because you've been fucking my wife. I was kind of already going for that.

Fucking Jordan? Yeah. That's not going to fly, Teresa. Okay. Alright. Ready? Yeah. Jordan? Yes, Teresa? I have to fly, Teresa. Okay. All right. Ready? Yeah. Jordan. Yes, Teresa? I have to tell you something. Shoot.

We're pregnant. Holy cow. No. Jordan. What? Beautiful lies. That's what I was doing. Jordan.

What? Just because you're beautiful, like Jake Kasdan doesn't mean son of Lawrence Kasdan director of Empire Strikes Back doesn't mean that you can just do this kind of shit it doesn't mean

that you can just lie and it's automatically a beautiful lie right there's an art to it Jordan I know I was adopting the posture

of a monkey you were he was adopting the posture of a monkey. You were? He was adopting the posture of a monkey. He was. Guys, it was fine. Anyway, Teresa, we're going to have a baby. It's going to be great, right? I don't know if it's going to be great.

It is going to be great. Why wouldn't it? It's going to be really cute. Jordan. And cuddly. It could be an omen situation. That wouldn't be great. You guys seen that? Oh, boy. It sounds like a real situation. It's omen situation. That wouldn't be great. You guys seen that?

Oh, boy. It sounds like a real situation. It's a real situation. Don't see the remake either. That is bad. If I'm remembering correctly, that's where a woman gives birth to a video cassette, and if you watch the video, you die? Yes.

Is that right? You're thinking of 8mm. Oh, I'm sorry. Is that the one where Nicholas's a palmer where nicholas cage is tracking down a giant wicker man yes no you're thinking of she and him that's the one with man ray correct the artist man ray yeah yeah we're on the same page, Jesse. We are on the same page. Okay, great. Jordan, if you were – now, granted, as far as I know, you're not cohabitating with a lady or anything like that right now. Sure.

But if you were and there was going to be a baby, wouldn't you be in part ambivalent about it? In part. Not wholly ambivalent. Obviously, it's a choice. Sure. I chose this. It's a child, not a choice, right? Look, I... You've been...

Your anti-abortion stance is always clear, Jesse. Jordan, I risked dick bleeding for this. Yeah. You did condomless sex. Yeah. Which, as far as I've been taught leads to dick blood sure rocketing blood out of your dick hole um your dick has a little sensor this is really cool where this conversation is going this is beautiful it's really nice i'm really glad you guys invited me here to talk about this today.

Do you guys want me to be there in the delivery room? Oh, yeah. So I can initiate this kind of banter? Yeah, yeah. You're going to need to be there. Good. I'll have some opinions about Drive Angry 3D when that happens. I will have seen it by then, so I can talk about that.

Okay. Were you guys planning to have a baby? Yeah. I think Teresa and I have guys planning to have a baby? Yeah, I think we've... I think Teresa and I have always wanted to have a baby. Maybe even more than one baby. I don't think that was ever... I feel like we talked about how we wanted one day

to have a baby probably when we were 17. Yeah, or maybe not when we were 17, but... 18? Yeah, like really early on. 17 and a half? Really early on. Okay, fair enough. What's the over-under on this, Teresa?

Wait, so what's the situation then? Mutual belligerence. Were you guys like, now it's time? Or you're just like, well, we'll just let it happen. And if it happens, it happens. Or were you tracking your ovulation, I guess, is what I'm asking. I think Teresa may have secretly been tracking her ovulation. Actually, yes.

Okay. Basically, yeah. Well, we decided it was time. I was trying to convince Jesse a while ago that we should just see what happened. And he wasn't really going for that because he was like, seeing what happened is deciding to have a baby. And he was totally right about that. But I know I have a powerful seed. Sure.

A mighty seed. Yes. But then and then I was like, oh, OK, well, I want to have a baby. And then like a couple of days later, he was like, oh, okay, well, I want to have a baby. And then a couple days later, he was like, okay. And then he didn't want me to keep track of my ovulation or anything like that. This felt like cheating. It felt like cheating to you? It felt like cheating and also...

It felt too Catholic. This feels too Catholic. It felt like cheating, but it also, it was. He thought it was like going to stress me out. Yeah, I didn't want to get into this world of people who are trying to have a baby. That was ultimately what it was. Like I had decided, number one, when I told her that i had to think about it that was really like i already knew essentially that i wanted to have a baby but if i hadn't said i want to think about it i would have been ceding all sense of agency you know what i mean like it wouldn't have been a

choice on my part it would have just been something that happened to me would have just been a child happen to me would have just been a child right and choice um but but with the other thing like i just all i know about having a baby comes from television shows and movies where semi-infertile couples are desperately trying to have a baby i never had the sex talk with my dad sure but and i didn't want to be i didn't want to But I didn't want to be, I didn't want to just, I didn't want to be in a position where we were like letting God know that we were really going for it

so that he could, you know, pull the rug out from underneath us. But that didn't happen. So it's okay. No, because of my plan. Do you guys know about the sex yet uh no yes we did do sex

do you know how to have sex I'm going to replicate this if you ever want to have another one um we'll find out probably um next month like probably in like three weeks or four weeks I've seen a picture of this thing yeah oh it's great it's this little guy

that lives inside theresa's stomach it's unreal it's unbelievable this thing what they do is they they squirt this weird juice on theresa's belly and then rub this stick around on are you sure this is a doctor basically this is in tijuana sure um it's a real sexy latina that's doing this oh she's wearing a black bra and panties while she does it yeah and she's shooting ping pong balls out of her vagina sounds like a sex show no it's not it's a doctor because she's sucking a donkey's cock oh okay well you got to tell me that up top. Sorry. Kaiser, thrive. Gotcha.

Do you guys feel like you have a lifestyle that is ready for a baby? No. I mean, what the fuck lifestyle is ready for a baby? I don't think you can be ready really. And I don't think, I don't really want to make our whole lives revolve around the baby. I mean, I know that's probably a really naive thing to say and people with kids are probably like laughing right now. We're looking at this baby as kind of a side project. You just want to set it and forget it.

Yeah, exactly. No, I just think like like, it'll be really hard and really different, but we don't really know what to expect, and, like, we're still going to be ourselves doing the same stuff

that we do, you know? Like, it's not like it's going to mean that... I mean, it's not... You know, we're just going to keep doing what we do. It's not like we're... It's not going to cost

extra money or anything. I'm pretty excited for the baby that you guys have a home business. I think that's pretty great that it's not like it's not gonna cost extra money or anything i'm pretty excited for the baby that you guys have a home business i think that's pretty great that it's not gonna have to be like a daycare baby or something you know i just kind of feel bad for it might need to go to daycare sometimes but i i do want to say in theresa's defense with regard to ovulation iphone apps that she may or may not have been calculating in or something. It is one step above what I believe my mother did with my father when they were not married, which is have her nor plant. This is not one step up.

This is a totally different thing. This is in your defense. Yeah, but it's not even one step up. It's a totally different thing. Okay. It's a totally different thing. Hey, Teresa, I got a new app for my iPhone, too. Hold on. Listen. Listen. It's a gun!

Anyway. My mother, I think, and I have to say that this is based on something that my dad told me when he was angry at my mom but it also does sound like something my mom could do out of love and also all the other things that he ever said about her like drug dealing and stuff were true so i don't have any reason to disbelieve him um but he i think that when they were dating my mom decided she wanted to have a baby and i think my dad was

cool with having a baby too but not like when they were you know they were not i think they never had a great relationship and uh so she secretly had her Norplant removed and then got pregnant. That's like something you do to genuine. Sure. You know what I mean? That's not something you do to my mom. I mean, to my dad. By my mom.

He had a vast fortune at the time, though, right? That she was trying to get her hands on that's true he did have a vast fortune from his from his from his career the peace movement um how many baby friends do you guys have um we have i guess two yeah i mean most of our friends are not at that point yet yeah it's funny i mean i feel like we have been in a way putting off babies for a long time oh yeah theresa since we were 18 theresa yeah i think theresa essentially started started implying that she would be happier with a baby around age 18. And started gently demanding a baby around age 22 and a half.

No, I didn't. Yes. No, I didn't at all. And in fact, I think a big part of why I went to law school was because I knew that if I went to law school, I wouldn't think that I should have a baby. It was like, and it worked. It totally worked. Like I didn't, I just knew like, well, I'm obviously not going to have a baby while I'm in law school. Because you didn't want to bring a baby into a world that had law school in it.

It's true. It's true. But Teresa. No, I'm sorry. I just want to say I think I really deserve credit because I really did want to have a baby with you when we were 18. I knew that that made no sense and I knew that it was a bad idea and we shouldn't do that. And I just held off for, I mean, more than 10 years. That's really, I mean. Yeah, no, I give you full credit for that.

Because when I said gently, I want to clarify that you were consistently great about it. Teresa always made it clear that she was ready to go at any time. That's true. Anytime you're feeling the baby itch. But she didn't ever try and make me feel bad about it or anything like that. Thank you. Well, congratulations, guys. But we've been putting it off.

I mean, this is something that we've been putting off for 10 years now at this point. I mean, we started dating when we were 16 or 17, and we're now 29, coming up on 30. coming up on 30. And it feels like we've been putting it off for so long that we would have lots of peers who had come to that point in their lives, but no, basically none. Yeah, a lot of people are kind of starting to get married now, I feel like, but even a lot of people aren't.

Yeah, I don't feel like Jordan's any closer to getting married than he was when we were 21. Hold up. Listen, guys. Have you seen this new app on my iPhone? Hold on. Hold on. Wait, what kind of iPhone app?

Is this some kind of... It's a gun noise. Yeah, no, actually, you guys, I actually got a similar we're having a baby call very close to your guys'. So, yeah, so I'm getting my first two baby friends this year, it sounds like. Well, how do you think this is going to affect your life, Jordan? Not at all. You'll probably go by Unca Jordan, right? Yeah, Unca Jordan.

I don't have any godparent duties, do I? No. We don't believe in God. Two Catholics. It has a different gun, so this is just a standard hand. That was a machine gun earlier. This is a standard handgun.

Okay. Cool. Pretty good, huh? It's pretty cool, Jordan. You're doing a good job of shaking that phone up and down. Thank you. To make the sound come out. So I guess we've both got a lot of new responsibilities.

Yeah, you guys have this baby. I got this app. It is pretty amazing in my mind that you can see the baby inside the tummy with this thing yeah that really looks like like a nintendo wii controller so the wii controller may have been patterned after the weird stick that they mortal and pet mortar and pestle into your stomach with the gel but the baby what's weird is we're now at roughly uh with three and a half months something like that over four months over four months 16 weeks that's not over four months 16 weeks and five days that's four months no it isn't because there's four

there's like four and a quarter four and a half weeks in a month okay so it's about four months okay it's about four months fine god i hate this i'm leaving yeah guys this isn't working i don't want to have a baby with you uh i think i've been lying all along i can i can kind of guess what the reaction from theresa's side of the family is but i would like to hear from both of you how do your families feel about it i assume i was you haven't told you've told your family. You didn't tell me. My parents have been buying baby stuff and mailing it to us for like five years now. Yeah, Jesse's family is even more excited about it than my family is.

Yeah, they've been. Jesse's dad, like a couple years ago, gave us a baby blanket and told us to sleep with it under our pillow. Because he thought it would make us get pregnant or something that's my mom that's a my mom yeah it was weird my mom is fond of telling the story of when she saw me uh naked floating in the clouds before i was conceived um as a baby baby me yeah um but she she went from telling she went i would say in the past three years or so she went from telling us that story uh you know once or twice a year to telling us that story once or twice a day yeah in a very pointed manner yeah like how come you don't see any babies floating through the clouds?

Teresa and Jesse. Or just reminding you, if you see any naked cloud babies, it means it's time to have a baby. Like, don't ignore the naked cloud babies. She would just always show me all the special furniture in the basement that she was saving for our future children.

Yeah, my mom has like an entire chest full of things that she's collected for the baby in the basement. None of which we will ever have room for, by the way. Yeah. We don't have room for anything. We'll never have room for any of it. We don't have room to open the door in our bedroom. Yeah. bedroom yeah um but uh uh my dad who doesn't i don't think my dad has ever bought something from a garage sale a thrift store anything secondhand ever um and my dad just doesn't

buy things very often at all like he really has an almost buying things free life. I would say nine months or a year ago was at a thrift store for some reason and bought a rocking horse and just gave it to us in San Francisco as though we were supposed to bring it home with us to Los Angeles and then conceive a baby in its honor. But Teresa, your family is adorably excited, I would imagine. But, Teresa, your family is

adorably excited, I would imagine. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Everybody's very excited. Yeah. It's going to be my parents' first grandchild. Oh, okay. Well, I guess it's your parents' first grandchild, too. Yeah, although my parents have been grandparent age for longer.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess the next question is, have you told Ashkahn? No. So, yeah, I don't know. I don't know what else to say. Oh, I did want to say that we've had two of these things where they put the thing on your belly and we look inside. And the first one, it was like, wow, that really looks like a baby,

considering how little it's developed thus far, how far it has to go. And this time, it was, wow, that really looks like Skeletor from Masters of the Universe. Yeah, we were there today. And for some reason this time so much more than a month ago this time you could just really see all the bones yeah much more than everything else so you saw like the spine and then and then the doctor was like oh it'll be it'll be great we'll get one of these grateful dead photos for you hang on let me see if i can get one of those really cute grateful dead photos is what she said and she like somehow was able to get the baby to turn its head and so it we have this picture that literally just

looks like a skeleton face wow um but it's adorable and we love it sounds pretty cute it is pretty sweet because it's our baby anyway so we. Sounds pretty cute. It is pretty sweet. Because it's our baby. Anyway, so we're going to have a baby. We're expecting it at the end of July, beginning of August. And yeah, it just felt like we should say something about it, right? Yeah, we wanted to tell people. We're moving. MaxFun World Headquarters is going to move in a few weeks because there's literally nowhere in this apartment

where you could put a baby unless you hung it from the ceiling yeah we thought we might be able to make it through like three months of uh just having it like on the floor next to our bed or something we couldn't i mean we couldn't even find room for a bassinet in the bedroom and then we just thought it might be kind of awkward for like sound of being america guests and j and Jordan Jesse Go guests to come in and have like a crib in the dining room. Like a trash can full of diapers. Sure. So. So, you know, we had to do what we had to do.

We're moving a little further out, but it was a lovely place. It's not very far away either. There's going to be a beautiful child in our lives. Yep. Oh, one other thing. I couldn't say this. I wanted so badly to say this, but the other day I think I talked on the show about how I went to the lady's house in the Hollywood Hills. Yes.

Anyway, she was psychic, as I think I talked about. The house you're looking to buy. No, no. This was, yeah, we're going to buy a house in the Hollywood Hills. Yeah. I know you go a little further out. Didn't I talk about buying neckties from the woman in the... No, I don't know.

I didn't? You mentioned that you had a run-in with a weird lady, but I didn't link these two. Okay, well, I recently traveled to a beautiful home in the Hollywood Hills and bought from some sort of gypsy woman, a very nice lady, 50 neckties. And she repeatedly said to me, she was like a caricature of a lady that lives in the Hollywood Hills. She was wearing like, you know, she was like, she might as well have had castanets on her fingers. She told you she was ready for her close up.

And she, but she was really sweet, really nice lady. And she told me a couple of times about how she was psychic. And the good news is, number one, there's a lot of money coming into my life. I presume because the Max One pledge drive is going to go really well. Yeah. And number two, she said the baby's going to be a girl oh well she just said it straight up she's like oh yeah it's gonna be a girl you told her about theresa's pregnancy yeah well i mentioned i said you know i we were talking about places to live and stuff

because she was moving and i said oh we were looking at a place in mount washington because uh my wife's pregnant we need to move to a bigger place. And you also said when she said it was going to be a girl, you were like, well, we'll see. And she said, oh, I'm psychic. Yeah, she said it. But she didn't say it like she was crazy because she didn't. A, she didn't say it like a crazy person.

Sure. B, she didn't say it like a jerk. She just said it like I had forgotten that I'm psychic yeah yeah no actually she was just explaining how she knew she was explaining oh remember because I'm a psychic I know the future anyway it was

a delight it's a delight of course to have my beautiful wife Teresa here and I couldn't be happier about this child that's growing inside of her stomach. Thanks, Jesse. You're welcome, Teresa. I love you a lot. I love you, too.

Jordan, I love you, too. Thanks, guys. Now I feel strange. Would you please stop fucking my wife? Hey, no promises. Now that she's pregnant, it's doubly appealing. We'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go i want to be clear jordan's allowed to say that kind of thing if anyone says

something like that on the forum i'm gonna kill them you're gonna look up their ip address and shit okay we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, i'm theresa baby inside thorn baby inside yeah play off the popular intel inside slogan that america still loves right sure yeah hey dude you gotta get a baby instead of adele yeah dude you're getting a baby is that is that how it goes that's i mean that's about how it goes dude you got to get a baby what about this dude where's my baby what about this one this baby comes in a box with cow spots on it what's that i forget what gateway gateway yeah baby baby gateway sure baby way i don't think any of these work really we've done some great brainstorming here yeah on jordan jesse go table this for now um uh theresa of course is the development director

of maximumfund.org and in addition to working on the upcoming maximum fund drive which starts february 28th by the way ps um she is also in charge of the little commercial messages that come up occasionally on our program and listener messages. This week, we are sponsored in part by Richard Thomason of CosmicJuju.com. Cosmic Juju. J-U. J-U as in Juju B. He is an artist and photographer. J.U. is in Jujubee.

He is an artist and photographer. He has some lovely art and photographs here on his website, CosmicJuju.com. He points out his photography, truly photography. It's not some Photoshop bullshit, I think is what he's trying to say. Well, I mean, if you look at what he's selling, it seems like maybe it's been altered because it's so amazing. Well, because it's majestic. Yes. It seems like something that maybe doesn't exist in the real world.

You're saying it's just photography. The concern is that nothing with this level of majesty could be created purely through the medium of photography. It would have to include some digital alteration of some kind. Not with this. No, not with Thomason. No. Not with CosmicJuju.com. Absolutely not.

Anyway, you can visit CosmicJuju.com. Check out his screen prints, his photographs. And he says, save him from the fate that befalls most artists, having to get a regular job. Yeah. So it's all at CosmicJuju.com. If you want to sponsor an upcoming episode, it's $100 for a personal message, $150 for a commercial message. You just email Teresa, T-H-E-R-E-S-A, at MaximumFun.org.

And I don't think, I'm going to come out right now and say it, I don't think that commercial price is going to last. I think we might boost that up a little bit. We might have to just because we've gotten so much interest. People love it. People love it. People are getting a great response. Yep.

We might have to charge $200. Yeah, well, we'll see. Either way, we're getting rich from this. Yeah. Either way, this baby is going to Yale. I want to say one thing about the maximum fund drive that's coming up. Not only does it start February 28th, but we're going to close it out with a live broadcast like we did last year.

We're not going to try and, here's the thing. Our friends at the podcast did a marathon. So we'll do a marathon. We don't need to compete with them. But then this year, they kicked their marathon up a notch. I'm like, fuck this. I don't want to do a fucking marathon. Why was I even doing a marathon in the first place?

People don't like marathons. It's unpleasant. I don't even believe in marathons. I think they're against God's will. We will recall from a previous episode of Jordan, Jesse, go. Sure. However, on Sunday, March, what is it? The 14th?

March 13th. Sunday, March 13th, I think we're looking what are we looking at? 7pm Pacific? 7 Pacific that's 10 Eastern 7 Pacific, 10 Eastern, we will be doing a live stream of Jordan Jesse Go, a special two hour program

a video feed audio from right here, it will be the grand finale essentially from the Silver Lake Max Fun World headquarters feed audio from right here. It will be the grand finale, essentially, from the Silver Lake MaxFun World Headquarters. You'll probably get to take a look at my dogs.

Teresa will rub her pregnant belly on the webcam. We'll have some live sonography inside of Teresa's belly. It's going to be a lot of fun and I hope that everyone will join us for it. And I hope everybody's just going to become a supporter

in the MaxFunDrive because we're going to have all kinds of cool shit to give away and also quit freeloading, asshole. Yeah, no, it's going to be really fun. And we have worked really hard on prizes this year and I think the prizes are actually really good. Thank you, GIFs. This is a little classy. These aren't prizes really good. Thank you, GIFs. This is a little classy.

These aren't prizes, Teresa. Thank you, GIFs. This isn't a bagged goldfish. I'm sorry, are you the development director? Excuse me. Pardon me. You're right. You're right. Out of my jurisdiction, not under my purview. Thank you.

Anyway, as I was saying, I think it's going to be stuff that people actually want and can get really excited about so um i'm hoping that everybody will tune in and unlike this programming that we create which is not good yeah but uh it all starts february 28th we'll have special jordan special episodes of all of our shows special sound of young america guests special my brother my brother and me special stop podcasting yourselves uh we're making special Special episodes of all of our shows. Special Sound of Young America guests. Special My Brother, My Brother and Me. Special Stop Podcasting Yourselves. We're making special content that you can only get if you donate.

It's going to be... I hesitate to use this phrase, but off the charts. Why would I hesitate to use that? No, it's great. It's a great phrase. It's applicable. It's applicable. I would say applicable. I hesitate to use that no it's great it's a great phrase yeah it's applicable it's applicable i would say applicable i hesitate to say applicable we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go

jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective theresa baby inside thorne we have a signature segment. A new signature segment, Jordan. This is my beautiful wife Teresa's signature segment. Here's what happens. Teresa and I will be sitting around the house. I'll be enjoying a highbrow publication such as The New Yorker, which of course is the only magazine

I enjoy reading. Well, sometimes I read Foreign Policy. You have other magazines, but you hate every second of it. Yeah, sure. Every second that you're reading. Well, I used to like The Economist before they sold out. Right. But Teresa will be enjoying a similarly highbrow magazine, but for people of her gender, a magazine if you will a magazine targeted specifically at ladies

and theresa will often share something with me from the magazine that will make my brain explode and i want to be clear i get i have a subscription to esquire and a subscription to gq um and i i bought them each for like four dollars and i felt like i should have them for the year and and i feel like i should have them because i you know partly i work in the men's fashion industry and those are the men's fashion magazines so i thought i should have them they're pretty awful i'm not gonna lie to you pretty awful magazines on the whole sometimes sometimes there will be a great piece of writing in there. It'll just sneak in like someone spaced out or someone remembered you're supposed to have good writing in a

magazine from time to time or something. But they're pretty awful. For a while, they're a cluster minute sneak in there every now and then. Yeah, you get a cluster minute in there from time to time. Maybe a George Saunders will write something for him. Not lately. No, not lately. So, you know, it's not about gender, but it is about the

amazing things that can be found in the pages of women's magazines. Great. Yeah, and so basically the magazine that I read the most around the house is Vogue because I don't really read it. I just like to look at the clothes. I don't really read it. I just like to look at the clothes. And usually there isn't that much dumb stuff in there, but sometimes there's just some really special things that really stand out.

So I'm going to start with Vogue. And Vogue is, let's see, this one is the February issue of Vogue. And this is the Life with Andre section. As penned by Andre Leon Talley. Okay. I don't know who that is. He's a famous, enormous African-American homosexual who wears crazy robes made out of Louis Vuitton print.

Okay. But that's neither here nor there. He's pretty great. I'm just going to say my opinion of andre leon tally is the guy is pretty awesome okay so this um this column is focusing on love being in the air for ralph lorenz children okay are ralph lorenz children famous other than no just they're just ralph lauren's kids so ralph and ricky lauren have two have they might have a few kids but two of their kids happen to have just gotten engaged dylan who's a woman and david um have each gotten engaged and so um this column focuses a little bit

on dylan uh the young woman who's just gotten engaged and talks about her wedding plans. And this is a quote from Dylan. She says, I want to feel like a princess, and I want my guests to experience love, fun, magic, and glamour. My wedding gown will be stunning and majestic. I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have my father designing the most important gown he will ever make. That's pretty good. I love that because you think that she's going to say the most important gown that I will ever wear.

Sure. Because certainly your wedding dress is probably the most important dress that i will ever wear sure because certainly your wedding dress is probably the most important dress that you wear as a woman yeah um but her dad is ralph lorette he's probably designed more important gowns for example he's probably designed a gown he'll probably design the gown that the first female president of the united states wears to the inauguration right right and the best part of this is then at the end of the column the last sentence of the column is congratulations not only to both couples but to ralph and ricky who clearly succeeded as great parents because their children are getting married and Lord knows that poorly adjusted people never get married.

So just, well, let's assume. If I, Andre Leon Talley, enormous New York gentleman that wears Louis Vuitton print dashikis, knows one thing. It's the difference between a good parent and a bad parent. If I, person who lives the most insane lifestyle in the history of the world, there's this amazing scene. Jordan, have you seen the movie, The September Issue, about Vogue magazine?

I have not. It's a great movie, whether or not you care about it. I've seen it hanging around on Netflix. I've considered it. It's a really fascinating, cool documentary about how vogue magazine is put together and there's this amazing scene with andre leontali where um anna wintour the uh editor of vogue is worried about his weight because he's obese and she wants him to try tennis and he just shows up for tennis with like literally the kind of luggage the volume of luggage that you would see a person like a woman in a movie from 1930

who's going on a international safari like the kind where there's like seven native men carrying... Oh, like an amount of luggage that would be used for comic effect. Yes. Like a comic character would have to show how ridiculous they are. Yes, exactly. Like a tiny bellman

is carrying something on his back because it's as big as he is. Like a steamer truck. He has that volume of louis i think it was louis was it louis vuitton luggage i think it was yeah yeah yeah and also his outfit matched his luggage exactly for tennis and then he just stood there and just kind of did um did kind of gestures with their tennis racket that were clearly intended uh to to point out that he was too gay for this shit. It was so awesome.

That sounds fantastic. It was like the greatest thing I've ever seen on film. He's a real American hero as far as I'm concerned. Okay, next thing, Teresa. Okay, now we're on to Marie Claire. And this is the March issue of Marie Claire. And there's a column in here, or I don't know, like a segment that's called The Careerist. And I don't know, like a segment that's called The Careerist.

And I don't know, I'm not a regular Marie Claire reader. I don't know if this is a regular thing that they do. I admit it is. They say, it says, The Careerist, News, Gear, and Get Ahead Tips. The Cool Girls Employee Handbook. Love it already. And then, this is it. You're a cool girl.

Where do you turn for where do you turn for your getting ahead tips you're very clear yeah um okay and then just all i want to read is the title of this month's article which is how ethnic can you be at work wow this is multiple people looked at this and approved it they had pens that they're allowed to cross stuff out with and they circled it's pretty amazing right it is it's totally it's amazing that that's real i think it depends on where you work right it's obvious why would you need to write a whole column about that when it's totally obvious? Is it 1993 and you work on the set of Martin? Yeah.

Very ethnic. Yeah, then you're allowed to be very ethnic. I would say be more ethnic than you're comfortable with. Yeah, but let's say it's 2011. You work on Modern Family. If you're Asian, I don't even want you bringing rice to work with your lunch. Sure. Downplay it.

Yeah, downplay your ethnicity. Okay, go ahead, Teresa. Okay, so we have a couple more. Can I do a couple more to work with your lunch. Sure. Downplay it. Yeah. Downplay your ethnicity. Okay. Go ahead, Teresa. Okay. So we have a couple more. Can I do a couple more? Yeah, of course. Okay.

So this one is featured on, this is also Marie Claire, and this one is teased on the cover. And it just says, engagement rage when single friends attack. Wow. rage when single friends attack and then the article yeah the article is all about this poor woman who got engaged in the south of france last summer and then all her single friends just lashed out at her because they're jealous bitches and and at the end of the article what we learn is it's okay because she can be friends with married people now i'm gonna just i'm gonna play devil's advocate here this woman who is the focus of a marie claire article author is this an as told to situation yeah and this she wrote this it's about herself she got engaged in the south of france she writes for marie claire this woman is probably a cunt

could it be that her friends being mad at her just had to do with her general That her friends being mad at her just had to do with her general cuntiness. Yeah, that's a good point. Maybe she was bragging that she was going to get engaged in Tuscany. And then they were pissed that she really pulled the rug out from under them. You know what, though, you guys? I think you guys are being too generous. I really think just single girls are jealous bitches. No, you're right.

That's a good point. They're fat. They're unattractive. That's a good point. They're fat. They're unattractive. That's a good point. They can't find a man. They're terrible. They're desperate to find a man. That's the problem.

So anyways, that's that one. Put a ring on it, guys, right? Yeah, I agree. Hey, any independent women out there? Holler. They did. They did. Okay, this is one last one from Marieire um and it's just a weird one but it's about this uh these sisters these like fashion designers sisters who are doing

this partnership with opening ceremony and they're talking about like where they get their inspiration and stuff we should clarify opening ceremony or opening ceremony is a well-known boutique type retail store in uh new york los angeles so maybe they have one other maybe montreal or something um so they're talking about where they get their inspiration and it says the line was inspired in part, says Kate, by Santa Cruz. Quote, when I thought of Santa Cruz, right away I thought of sunglasses. And then Laura explains, when we were younger and we lived in the area, our dad always wore these great sunglasses. They were handmade and sold out of a little hut in the forest. I mean.

Jordan, we went to Santa Cruzz everyone wore those hut glasses yes they went out to the forest with your nine dollars you brought back uh some hot glass there was a there was a man there whittling sunglass lenses but also yeah that happened but also yes there is a man in the forest who sells sunglasses i't seen him, but it seems like that exists. What's amazing to me as I work more and more in the quote unquote fashion industry with Put This On and I read these fashion blogs and so on, is just the pathetic lengths that designers will go to to talk about what inspired their collections. talk about what inspired their collections. Like, I remember there was a collection recently that got a lot of attention from this designer, Michael Bastion,

and it was inspired by Ivy League lacrosse. What the fuck does that mean? It was not, I want to be clear, it wasn't lacrosse uniforms. No. Probably sweaters it was inspired by that special lacrosse feeling that you get well to some extent it's clothes twats would wear but yeah the the the lengths that a designer will go to to uh talk about what inspired them

are truly mind-numbing okay Okay, next one, Teresa. Okay, I just have a couple more little ones. So I'm trying to decide which one I should... Okay, so this one is just a headline or a little teaser on the cover of the February issue of Elle that I saw today. And it said, could you fall in love with a woman?

Depends. Are you a straight dude or a lesbian lady? Yeah. The answer is yes. I like the idea that there's someone out there who's questioning, who's not sure about their identity, and they're like, shit. Could I? I wish Marie Claire had some insights into this.

That was Elle. Or maybe it causes a panic in someone who's never had a homosexual feeling. Right. And they take the quiz. I could potentially. Right. Yeah. So I just, I wanted to know, you know, so I had to read the article.

I didn't really read the article. There was also, there was also, this is just a little one, but there was also Yoga for Fitness and Health had an article called The Inner Wisdom Diet, which I just thought was funny. I don't even know what that is. Okay. And then the last one I'm going to share is from InStyle, which actually was surprisingly hard to find really good dumb stuff in because there's just mostly a lot of cute clothes. in because there's just mostly a lot of cute clothes um so this but this is um it's called step into a rainbow and it's all these women from the golden globes like claire danes and uh mila kunis and amy adams and a bunch of people and they're all wearing brightly colored gowns layton meester no she's not there.

Okay, just checking. I recently found out who Leighton Meester is. Yeah, it's fun to know who that is, isn't it? So you can say her weird name. Yeah, it's like a couple years ago when I learned who America Ferrara was. Sure. That's not anybody anymore, by the way. Oh, gotcha.

So this one just says... So so anyways all of them are wearing like really brightly colored gowns in different colors and it just says now this is what we're talking about wearing color gives you a psychological boost so these actresses must have felt like winners regardless of who went home with a trophy. That is good. You know who went home with a trophy? Leighton Meester. That's my prediction. Sure.

I bet you did. My prediction for the past. For an awards show that I didn't watch at all. Well, that was Teresa's signature segment. Glad to do it. Does it have a name? Awful Things? Terrible Things? Dumb Things.

Dumb Things from Women's Magazines. You can feel free, by the way, to participate in this. If you're a lady out there who reads, or a gentleman who reads women's magazines, and you find a turn of phrase or something that's particularly awful, feel free to give us a call. 206-984-4FUN. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Teresa, baby inside Thorne. Teresa, it's been wonderful to have you on the program. Thank you so much for having me. It was a joy. I particularly enjoyed your signature segment. You did? Yes.

Thank you. You're welcome. What about me? Did I do anything? No, you should have done Jordan Sings a Song or something. Oh, yeah. I only like recurring segments. Okay, everything else, you can take or leave. My favorite thing on Saturday Night Live is that song that Kenan sings.

What up with that? Yeah. That's my favorite thing because it's funny to me every time because I've seen it before. Yeah. I don't think that's funny, but it's hard to dislike it. Like, it's easy to dislike a lot of things on SNL. It's hard to dislike it for about 30 seconds, and then it's like, okay. I dislike it.

Okay. Yeah, then you're done. I can't do it. I'm, like, offended that they keep showing that sketch. Oh, wow. Because there's not, it's nothing. I did kind of enjoy it once. Yeah, maybe, like, the first 30 seconds of the first time that it ever aired.

There are two jokes in it. There's one is who's on the panel. Sure. And then the other one is what crazy outfit comes out. Yeah. And that's it. That's all the jokes.

And it's like six minutes long. Sure. So once you're like, I'm enjoying this for a while. And then these crazy jokes come in. And you're like, oh, those were great jokes. And that, you know,

I think we can all agree that Kenan's greatest skill as a comedic actor is that he looks like a sweet, funny guy. Yeah. And he's really riding that in this sketch. He really uses that to its full effect. But the second time you see it, you're like, oh, I remember this from the other time that I saw this. Yeah, sure.

Yeah. Well, I just feel when I watch it, I'm like, hey, have fun out there, guys. Okay, sure. That's my feeling. That's fair. Okay. Hey, no, I just feel when I watch it, I'm like, hey, have fun out there, guys. Okay, sure. That's my feeling. That's fair. Okay. Hey, no, I understand that. I think I need to have that attitude a lot more when I'm watching SNL.

Like, I think I would probably enjoy SNL a lot more if I just was like, hey, let's just let this happen. That is the premise of SNL. Okay. I feel like because the people who are on Saturday Night night live are so brilliantly talented which they fucking are sure um and they do a great job of casting brilliantly talented people even all those new 19 year olds they have brilliantly talented and um i think because they're all so brilliantly talented we forget sometimes uh that basically the premise of the show is, hey, bet we could make a show in a week. And so because they're so good,

it seems so polished that you forget that they just wrote this yesterday. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Anyway, Saturday Night Live aside, hey, don't forget the Max Fun Drive is coming up February 28th. I'm expecting everybody out there, we got to support this program. There are literally tens of thousands of people listening to this show.

And I think that if you like this show enough to subscribe to the podcast, I think you like the show enough to support it. So it's all going to be at MaximumFund.org slash donate starting on February 28th. And we're going to have some fun. We got some cool stuff, et cetera, et cetera. Right? Yeah. Was that convincing? It was absolutely.

Seemed sincere. Did you like that? I know you're supposed to come up with cool ideas to support pledge drives like Ira Glass does. Yeah. Mine was, hey, pay for it, freeloader, from earlier. Sure. Okay. We'll be back. 206-9844-FUN uh we got action items on the table uh if you had a horrible particularly horrible uh birds and the bees experience from

either side i'm opening i'm open to moms and dads that did a terrible job um and also uh if you happen to if you happen to run into something in a ladies' magazine that's particularly awful, we'd love to hear that. 206-984-4FUN. Or email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Sorry, we had one huge momentous occasion this week, and so we didn't have time for the other momentous occasions. But we'll be back next week with more on Jordan and Jesse Go.