Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 165: Zen & the Art of Big Mamacycle Maintenance

Episode Date: February 25, 2011

D.C. Pierson of Derrick Comedy joins us to talk about Martin Lawrence, where to get strippers for your movie, and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

We're joined by D.C. Pearson of Derek Comedy for a special super-sized Max Fun Drive edition of the show. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am the host of the program, Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. We welcome you, the audience, to our program. Yeah, before we were all about shutting you out. But now we're bringing you in.

We decided it would be a better strategy. We're like a funnel or some quicksand. Yeah. We're quicksand radio. Quicksand broadcasting? Sure. I was going to say, say like late period captain beefheart okay jordan yeah i just whatever you whatever you want to do jordan i just whatever you want to do i don't think i'll say that though i like the idea that we would be taking like uh you know how there's professional television and radio producers that know what people like and then guide talent to do the things that people like i'm kind of

aware of this concept yes what if those people worked on jordan jesse go and encouraged us to be more welcoming in the introduction uh i mean i would say that they were full of shit and kick them out. Really? Oh, yeah. It's one of my trademark tantrums, temper tantrums. In one of your trademark temper tantrums, you would tell them that they were full of shit and kick them out? No, totally.

I don't want anybody telling me what to do. That sounds unpleasant. I don't care how many hits they've made. I don't care if they rocketed Dharma and Greg to the top of the television charts. They did. To be fair, they did rocket Dharma and Greg to the top of the television

charts. I don't care. I don't know Dharma from You don't know Dharma and Greg from the Dharma bums. How about that? Thank you. Joining us this week on Jordan Jesse Go,

you might know him from the incredibly popular sketch comedy group Derek Comedy. You might know him from his novel The Boy Who Couldn't Sleep and Never Had To. You might know him as a genial man about town please welcome dc pearson to the program how's it going everybody thank you for having me on quicksand radio it's a pleasure to have you i think you may be confused as to the title of the show that was actually a metaphor oh okay i thought that was like the name of the show like quicksand radio no get pulled down into the quagmire if you're're lucky, we'll throw you a branch. Don't struggle.

You'll just get more sucked in. Cutting you a vine. This is why we brought the machete. I'm glad that there are things in the- This was a hazard in Super Mario 2. It's something that every kid imagines is going to happen on the playground when it rains. I hope you've got your flying boots. Is that something from Super Mario 2?

I don't think so. You could fly in Super Mario 2, though, right? Wasn't that the difference? I think that's three. I think three they had the Tanooki suit, which was like the raccoon suit, I feel like. Sure, the Tanooki suit. And then there was one you could turn into stone. That might be the same one, actually. I was thinking which one had the raccoon suit, I feel like. Sure, the tanuki suit. And then there was one you could turn into stone. That might be the same one, actually.

I was thinking which one had the tanuki suit. The general raccoon suit allowed for flight. Oh, really? Okay. Tanuki suit, same properties as the raccoon suit, also added statue transformation. Right, there we go. Okay, I'm sorry. Oh my God, you guys would have gotten such letters.

Yeah. Jordan, can you clarify the difference between the standard raccoon and tanooki suits? Yes, I can, Jesse. There's a very simple rhyme that I like to say. Just read the FAQ on Jordan's website, okay? We don't, don't make him go into this again. You

raised a good question, though. Is quicksand, in fact, a real thing, or is it just the fabrication from, like, Doc Savage books and stuff? Yeah, right, it's from 30s silent adventure movies. I think it's halfway in between a real thing and not a real thing i think that what it is i think there is such a thing as quicksand this is my theory it's not based on anything i want to make that clear okay i think there is such a thing as quicksand but that the primary like our understanding of quicksand has exclusively been formed by an just like there is such a thing as a killer ape yeah but it's unlikely to bend the

bars and climb up the empire state building okay yeah i i could i could see that so basically what you're saying is like quicksand is just the one example of like the genre, but there's a whole other. It's really more sophisticated than that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think in the movies, a lot of things become more violent, more deadly, like King Kong. I think that quicksand is a lot more like Coco, the gorilla, in that you can teach it sign language.

Is Coco the one from Congo, or is that a real-life gorilla? Coco the gorilla is the gorilla that was... Amy was the gorilla in Congo. Oh, you're right. I'm sorry. Coco the gorilla... Hey, Jordan.

Yeah? What was the name of that gorilla in Congo again? Tanuki suit. She could transform into a statue. Tim Curry was involved. Suit of raccoon. Tim Curry was involved. Suit of Raccoon. Fly to the moon. Quicksand.

Suit of Tanooki. Transform to a statue. That's the little rhyme I love to sing. Is that like Leaves of Three? Yeah. Yeah. Tanooki suit. For free.

For free. Quicksand. Also a trance anthem by Darude that was very popular in like 1999 on Jock Jams, which I'm sure you would know it if you heard it. It's like the seminal. It's like the one that's like, That one? Or is that just every trance song?

I don't know. I don't know. My trance acapella group is not going well, by the way. My trans acapella group is not going well, by the way. DC, is this the one that goes... Y'all ready for this? No, no, that's y'all ready for this. No?

You're thinking of y'all ready for this. I am? Okay, is it the one that goes upside down and inside out? I'm about to show all you folks what it's all about, because it's time for me to get on the mic and make this motherfucking party hype taking it back to the old school because i'm an old fool who's so cool if you want to get down let me show you the way whoomp there it is uh you're thinking of whoomp begin parentheses there it is end parentheses come on ride the train come on and ride it that was it yes that Yes, that's it. That's quicksand. Yeah, that's quicksand.

Oh, man, Quad City DJ's remix. Can I point out that I saw Martin Lawrence on the Conan O'Brien program, which, by the way, I've been watching a lot of and I really enjoy. I think it's a really – I think that a large large-scale failure and i don't mean that as an insult um a large-scale failure has wiped the kind of fear out of conan o'brien which i thought was you know the thing that led to his his worst on-camera habits i think he was always seemed a little bit scared that that people weren't gonna like it i feel like now and then if maybe something if something fell flat he would just do some weird dancing to get applause. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

And I feel like now that he's in this warmer environment, he's a much warmer host. I think he's doing a... I mean, I always thought he was brilliant and funny, but I really like his new show, really enjoy it. But I saw Martin Lawrence on this program. And first of all, I don't know, I do not understand what Martin Lawrence's role is just in contemporary American popular culture. Like, what is his place?

Who is Martin Lawrence now? Yeah, what is... I guess what maybe will help us understand that is, what has he done between Big Mama movies, if anything? Or has he just gone for Big Mama movies? Oh, I thought you were going to say, like, well, what will help us understand that is, what isn't Martin Lawrence?

If we just strip away everything he isn't, then we will reveal what he is. That's very Socratic of you or something. He is not that. He's not, in fact, Bobby Flay. We can cross that off the list. You guys can't see it at home, but Jordan has an enormous chalkboard behind him with every noun and adjective. It's really big.

Yeah, exactly. He's going to cross them off one by one until we determine what he is. He's not a legume. I do want to talk about what Martin Lawrence's role in this society is. But he played a clip from Big Mama's House Daddy's Boy or whatever the new Big Mama's House film is. It's Big Mama's House 3 Grandma's Boy. It's the crossover of the Grandma's Boy and the Big Mama's House films. Finally.

Am I alone on this? Finally. No, it's like Alien vs. Predator. Yeah, that was coming for a decade. Of the broad comedy world. Yeah, exactly. Before it actually got made. The fans wanted it.

He played a clip from the film, and the punchline of it, it was him in the old lady Big Mama suit. He was, for some reason, unexplained, it was only a clip, he was an artist's model. Sure, a nude model. A nude model.

And the punchline of this clip was him as Big Mama naked. The sheet that was strapped over him, her, fell. And he said, whoops, there it is. He made a whoomp, there it is joke. In 2011. This is, to be perfectly frank, a joke that would not have been appropriate in terms of timeliness had he made it on the television program martin on the fox network well here's i think another

question okay does the big mama suit have fuck capabilities can you fuck the big mama suit yeah i mean because that's the thing that immediately when i hear you describing that clip i'm like well what that implies then is that underneath yeah underneath that dress there's like a naked you can it's photo to completely photorealistic where it would it would fool this class of artists yeah they're not being shocked like oh my god that's a man that's a guy in a in an old lady suit that only holds up underneath her clothes it's like that's actually a naked as far as they're concerned that's just a naked old lady like that's what they're playing there in that moment maybe the concern is that the the criminals that big mama is after are such dastardly criminals that they would try and rape her and

they don't even want that to stop the investigation they're like if you are assaulted and your clothes are ripped off we want we want the big mama facade to still hold up well i guess yeah go ahead are you suggesting a sort of big mama's house special victims unit i'm suggesting a big mama's house funky victims unit they um conan conan it was such an odd thing to see on television because Martin Lawrence of course is known for acting crazy on both on stage

he does a lot of running around and yelling and in life where he was stripped himself naked and ran down the Santa Monica promenade brandishing some sort of weapon possibly a handgun I don't remember exactly what the circumstances were I think it was a katana naked and ran down the Santa Monica promenade brandishing some sort of weapon. Sure.

Possibly a handgun. I don't remember exactly what the circumstances were. I think it was a katana. Was it a katana? I think it was a katana. Yeah, if I remember correctly. It's hard to tell what is the Tracy Morgan 30 rock behavior and what is the crazy behavior that that is referencing. The line is being blurred.

But anyway, he's done some crazy things but he was he seemed to be actively trying to be sedate on the conan o'brien program but what's distressing about that specifically is that he was describing things from big mama's house so he's sort of speaking like i he's like trying to he's talking about, you know, what a reasonable guy he is in his tone. But in his content, he's describing the difference between the fat old lady suit that he wears to be Big Mama just on a day to day basis. And the special saggy tits displayed on camera fat old lady suit that he wore for the nude scene. Yeah, he's a craftsman. I mean, he's an artisan.

This is what he does. You know what I mean? He views it with a sort of dispassionate air that you would need to have to really make a good Big Mama's House movie. You couldn't get involved in the ridiculousness of it. You start thinking about one thing that's ridiculous about that, that whole thing falls apart. You got to view everything like it all makes sense.

Ever since Martin Lawrence read the book Shop Class as soul craft um he's really relieved in making things with his hands then in the art of big mama cycle maintenance but he made it clear that there is no uh vagina on the suit he said it's like a barbie doll but there are old lady tits on it huh do you see i i mean does it change the i mean i assume that the big mama's house is it's pretty important to this franchise that it be pg-13 can you show false fat suit tits and it still achieve that rating i presume that he's probably like immediately it's like you don't see it it's just sort of implied well they didn't show it on television right but because they can't show it on television but i don't know what they did in real life but what's more the greatest

mystery to me about martin lawrence is is is not what he shows or doesn't show in big mama's house it's who is he in the world of american popular culture especially in 2011. Because look, there was a time in 1993 when it was clear what he was. He was a very popular African-American comedian of the swearing variety. He was not really a crossover act. He was mostly, he had reached the peak of African-American specific comedy. Then Martin happened, that was essentially the peak of African-American sitcom world. It was the equivalent of the Steve Harvey show, you know, one of these shows that's famous for being number one in African-American households and number 79 overall. But then he became a monstrous movie star. Is this bad boys you're talking about? Is this with bad boys? He was making like him and Chris Tucker, I think, are the icons of just people in Hollywood being like, I don't know, we need a black guy.

Get whatever the black guy is and give him $20 million. They're also kings of improvisational dialogue that was clearly hilarious on set, but absolutely makes no sense in retrospect, which is my take on the Bad Boys franchise. And I don't know to what extent, like, I don't really know to what extent he truly crossed over to the point where white people wanted to see him.

Like, I don't know how much of a, I don't know how much of like a Will Smith he ever became. Like, he took a swing at it with that one where he was a Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, but with Martin Lawrence. You're talking about Black Knight. Yeah. It was a Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, but with Martin Lawrence. You're talking about Black Knight. Oh, Black Knight. Yeah. I mean, he was starring in like, The Bad Boys was like a $200 million movie, and he was

getting paid $25 million to be in movies for a minute there. And then he did the thing where he was waving the katana or gun, we can't remember, running around naked on the Santa Monica promenade sometime after Black Knight, if I remember correctly. I think it was a gun-tana. In retrospect, yeah. Oh, it was a gun taped to a katana?

Yeah, I think so. So the thing that would make the gun work, you couldn't actually reach from the hilt of the katana. Yeah, yeah. It's an ineffective weapon made by a crazy person. Ah, fair enough.

But now, and that seemed to be, from what I could tell, that was like, okay, then all of the 60-year-old, incredibly rich people that decide who gets paid $15 million to be in a movie were like, okay, well, he's off the list. We'll find a more friendly black person to be the black guy in our movie that needs a black person you know what i mean i think i think it was less the bizarre behavior and more just that his solo outings are fit i mean i think black knight is a failure failure kind of one of those oh we overpaid a guy for a cheap comedy right and you know comment this these cheap comedies should cost $10 million, but twice that. He was getting paid $12 million. Yeah, right. So this is now... So he priced himself out of the goofy

that price of comedy market, essentially, is what you're saying. I think so. Yeah, but I mean, obviously, the Mama movies are in that vein. But he hasn't... But Big Mama's House, I mean, that movie came out like 10 years ago, didn't it? I think this is, we've had a decade of Mama. Big Mama.

A decade of Mama at Lincoln Center. In 2011. And then people come, a lot of white people come and are disappointed that it's not a Mama's Family reunion. They're like, what the fuck? Well, it's spelled differently, right? mama's family m-a-m-a is it oh i don't know well how is mama's big mama's m-o-m-m-a oh is that a race thing do you think uh no i don't know maybe it's like a um no i don't know i have no idea directly or using a washcloth i don't know i have more confusion idea. Is that like using the soap directly or using a washcloth? I don't know. That causes more confusion because then highfalutin rich people show up.

They're like, I thought this was a big MoMA. Not like that normal tiny MoMA. No, I was hoping for a bigger MoMA. I thought it was a big MoMA in a house somehow. Well, all right. We'll still donate. Okay. We should probably cut them a check.

That's a really good question though jesse i i don't know what war i think more importantly like how does he view himself like what does he think like what's the net what's the trajectory like what's the martin lawrence thing when he goes to sleep or when he wakes up in the morning i really don't know that's really interesting i mean he was never uh he was never offered insights. Is the appeal of Martin Lawrence maybe that he can be really blue and still seem a little bit sweet? Maybe? Is that what he has going for him? Yeah, I don't know. And maybe this is something.

know uh and maybe this is something what has uh what what i've been trying to wrap my head around when i watch the trailers for big mama's house three mama's fat ass uh-huh is the byline do it right um is how little he affects his voice when he's mama. A little bit, but not really. He's not really, he's just kind of talking in a higher version of his voice. Like, it's not, he doesn't go out of his way to sound like a woman. He doesn't disappear into mama, right. Yeah. Well, the thing is, when you're doing something like that, you want to get out of the way and let the saggy old lady fat suit do the comedy for you.

Sure. Right? Yeah, you don't wake up and spend six hours in the chair getting that big mama suit on and then still work. You're like, the work is done once I have the suit on. I should just be able to walk around in front of the camera and the laughs will come. You can only confuse people by adding things. Yeah, he's like am i am the straight man to this suit this suit and i are an old-fashioned comedy team and i'm just here to like bounce off

the suit i don't want to take and take any shine away every time the suit says something dumb oh suit with a smoothed over vagina you'll never win who's on first well we've got plenty more where that came from we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i am jesse thorn america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective and dc pearson master of calamity good wow yeah he's ready hey this is prepared this is a guy who knows what the fuck is going on dc pearson he's a he's an actor he's a writer he's a filmmaker he's a novelist an acclaimed novelist the author of the boy who couldn't sleep and never had to that's me that's the whole novel by the way yeah i uh i was just

explaining to uh to jesse before the show he was like what's the book called again and i was telling him the name of it and then i realized like that's an it's the title is so long that no matter whenever I say it, I always sound angry by the end of saying it. Even though I'm not. Like, if I'm in a bar and someone's like, oh, what was your book called again? And I'm, like, yelling it, it always sounds like I'm being like, this is what it's called. Just get it right. But I'm truly just mad at myself for naming it something that long. Now you know how the playwright who wrote Colored Girls, who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enough.

Now you know how that guy feels. And I had always poor lady i don't know i think it's i think it's a woman okay um i believe wait i what am i basing that on i don't know i don't we should say hard to say we should create we should create in the in the mold of the african american theater circuit you know there's these huge shows. I mean, I remember when I lived in San Francisco, there would be television advertising for shows at the Paramount Theater, which is a multi-thousand seat theater in Oakland that had weeks-long runs of something like

When the Rainbow is Enough or Your Arms are Too Short to Box with God or one of these, or like a Tyler Perry thing. We need to create that, but for second-rate podcasters. Oh, yeah. Like the – because that's called the Chitlin Circuit, no? Or it was called the Chitlin Circuit at least at one point? Yeah, well, I mean the Chitlin Circuit is more specifically the kind of southern venues

and it's generally for music. But I think that may be like the theater version of the Chitlin Circuit. So what you need is a podcasting Chitlin Circuit. Exactly. Is what you're saying. What about a Sir Kitlin Circuit? Because it's computers. We'll work on it.

We'll keep working on it. We'll keep working on it. Anyway, are you saying we go to America's college towns and play at various gastropubs? Yeah, exactly. Is that your suggestion? Tonight, short rib sliders. Jordan, Jesse, go.

Tip your waitresses. Local micro-brews. Hey, listen. Tip your waitresses. They're in bands. Speaking of business models, this is the first episode of Jordan, Jesse, go

in the Max Fun Drive 2011. Yay! I am very Fun Drive 2011. Yay! I am very excited about this. DC, I don't know if you know this, but everything that we do at MaximumFun.org is supported by listeners. That's fantastic. I was aware of that, and I think it's great. We are like a totally independent. We're sitting here in my apartment where I also record The Sound of Young America.

We do it all. in my apartment where I also record the sound of young America. We do it all basically on the backs of P we give everything that we do away for free and then ask people to, uh, give a little bit of money to support it. So, um, yeah,

this is our, gosh, I want to say maybe it's about our fifth annual pledge drive. Something like that. Yes. We've our goal this year. Uh, we've added all these new shows.

It's not just the sound of young America and Jordan, Jesse go which are, frankly, remain the foundation of MaximumFun.org. But we've added Stop Podcasting Yourself, which we added roughly a year ago and has been a tremendous success out of Vancouver, British Columbia. The nicest guys in podcasting. Oh, I didn't, you know, I guess this makes us international. Yeah, absolutely. It's tough to be the nicest guys in podcasting because podcasting, one of the gentler of the arts. Not a lot of divas. Yeah, not a lot of people are like, listen, I'm a podcaster.

I come in, I podcast, I get out. Not a lot of podcasting beefs you don't hear about. No East Coast, West Coast podcasting wars. I briefly tried to start a beef with the Smod Castle. Oh, really? More the institution than kevin smith the man he seems like a decent fella it was a little one-sided um well i feel like these and i say this as someone who has recently been introduced to the smod castling universe or

whatever you would call it because uh i just started doing a uh a show there actually at the smod castle it's not within the smod cast universe and it's not actually a podcast but now being right this is a non-canonical show. It's non-canonical, yeah. It exists in Smodcastle 2, which is the alternative universe Smodcastle. That's the Smodcastle where the Nazis won World War II, right? Yeah, exactly. So Nazi mall rats, Nazi clerks, et cetera.

Nazi clerks. But yeah, it seems very hermetic, I'll say. I think that might be why the beef didn't take because the Kevin Smith world seems very self-contained and self-generating and self kind of like they're very happy there. Yeah, they seem to be. And God bless him. Not Kevin Smith. He seems like a friendly, funny man. Yes.

Agreed. Agreed. Right. We all think he seems like a friendly, funny man. Yes. Agreed. Agreed. Right? We all think he seems like a friendly, funny man. Yes, I cannot front on the level of inspiration that he was in my early teen years, getting basic cable IFC and watching Clerks every weekend and hearing, like, this guy made this himself, and he just did it, and hearing him talk. It was truly, actually really an inspiration, I would be saying saying that even if i did not do a show at his uh you got you guys in derrick comedy did is exactly the same thing

uh you just went off and made a movie correct yes correct we made a movie called mystery team in like uh the spring that we shot in like the spring of 2008 and then it came out it went to sundance in january of 2009 and then it came out kind of in some theaters and like starting in August of 09 and then uh came out on DVD last year in like May a great funny film yeah yeah I got to see it at the New Beverly here in Los Angeles uh packed house people uh lots of enthusiasm and yelling it's it. Yeah, it's a terrifically funny movie. Thank you very much. What I think we have in common there is an interest in creating something that we want to create and creating it for the audience and not creating it for advertisers or for what we think is going to be – what we think is going to have mass appeal or whatever.

But creating something that we're really passionate about for the people who actually listen to it. And I think that's why people, I mean, you know, people come out to MaximumFun.org, meetups, you know, 75, 80 strong, just to shake hands with Jordan. It's because I think if you're listening to this. But not Jesse. Jesse refuses to shake hands. No, absolutely not. I have an assistant who's in charge of shaking hands. He's got Kleenex boxes on all four limbs, Howard Hughes style.

I put my hands behind my back, and my assistant stands behind me with his arm under my underarm. Like a short-form improv game. Exactly. And then you reach into a box of props, get everybody's favorite movie quotes, send somebody out of the room. And then wall-to-wall bad British accents. But I think what I'm trying to say here is that I think that people who listen to this program listen to it because they really care about it. I think you, who are listening to this right now in podcast land with your earbuds in, I know that you really care about Jordan Jesse Go. Or you wouldn't have gone through the trouble to go into iTunes and click and subscribe and keep listening, and you wouldn't be listening right now. So what we would ask of

you is that you donate to support. And we have pledge levels that anyone can afford. And I mean that sincerely. Once in a while, somebody will tell me, you know, I'm in college, I don't know if I can afford to support the shows. Really, there are high school students who email me and say i was really proud i have support at one of the lower levels but i knew that i could get together the five dollars a month or the two dollars a month or the ten dollars a month to support maximumfund.org because i actually care about the stuff that you guys make and making sure that you're able to make it. I mean, we're like right now, we're only three years removed from me working as a receptionist, basically. Four years at this point from the receptionist.

But it's only been three years that we've actually had me working full-time on MaximumFun.org. And now it's me and Teresa and Julia Smith, who produces The Sound of Young America, all working full-time. And Jordan and my Smith, who produces The Sound of Young America, all working full time. And Jordan and my brother, my brother and me and the Stop Podcasting Yourselves all getting paid for the work that they do. Because people, you know, literally four digits worth of people, you know, step up to the plate every month and give just like a little bit of money.

Excuse me. That's fantastic. I almost burped when I was going into my plug or not plug, but I think that's really fantastic. And I kind of think that like, I'm incredibly sympathetic to that. And I think that like, there's this weird sort of perception now,

especially in the age of like file sharing and things like that. Well, it's like, well, all artists are just automatically wealthy, right? Like if you're doing your thing and you get to do it for a living, like you must be rich.

And I think that what people maybe don't understand is like the people that you like, if they don't have to work day jobs and to, in order to feed their families and keep the lights on and not be homeless, they can make more of the things that you like to make. So you're only benefiting yourself by giving like $2 a month or $5 a month or, or whatever the, the, the pledge levels are to these guys so that they can actually like keep doing it because then they get to make more things. It's really awesome. There's a very direct correlation there, I would imagine. Yeah, absolutely.

And it's about all of us being able to... I mean, I'll tell you the truth. When I go to a public radio conference and they hear about what the annual budget of The Sound of Young America is um they think i'm completely insane they like laugh in my face and these are people who are supported by like grants from the national endowment for the arts and stuff like this is not easy money to get that that's supporting them there's no chud group behind this exactly chub there's a group of chuds. A group of weird subterranean mutants. To be fair, we are really popular amongst the cannibalistic humanoid underground dweller community.

So I said cybernetic. It's cannibalistic. It's cannibalistic. And we know that, of course, because our friend Big Time Gene O'Neill, a regular guest on Jordan Jesse Go, past co-host of The Sound of Young America, his father was in Chud. Also, The Stuff. Yeah, both of them. He was in was in Chud. Also, The Stuff. Yeah, both of them. He was in both of those films. What's The Stuff?

Oh, The Stuff is great. It's this kind of, it's kind of this late 70s horror movie about a brand of frozen yogurt that turns people into zombies. So it's like The Blob, but instead it's The Stuff? Yes, yes. And then at the end it turns somebody into a weird mutant for some reason uh it's really only at the end yes you think that would be the first thing no it just kind of hypnotizes people for a while it's just really like kind of ham-fisted like

satire like hypnotic commercials oh okay so it's like they live almost yeah it's a lot like that for sure and yeah there's just one kid who refuses to eat the yogurt. I would like to think it was written by a bitter screenwriter whose wife, who like his now his ex-wife, was like on a health kick before she left. It's like, I eat yogurt. And he's like, that must be why she left me, not because of my rampant alcoholism. It was the yogurt. Cut to him writing the stuff and getting financing for the stuff and employing your friend's dad. And then, yeah, but then at the end it's like, oh yeah, I can also turn someone

into a mutant. I like that that's at the very end. You think that that would be like they're like, we don't have the money for a fleet of yogurt-induced zombies.

We can only have people getting hypnotized by it and transfixed for most of the movie and then we can afford one zombie at the very end if you're good.

So yeah, the stuff is great. And Gene's dad's in it. Look, if you want us to be able to afford the zombies that we need to make jordan jesse go every week look we're going to talk about there's all kinds of awesome thank you gifts and pledge levels from uh the friend of the family level all the way up to the most legendary level of all, Jordan's Platinum Angels. And we're going to talk about all the cool thank you gifts you can get in a little bit on the show.

But if you want to donate, you can find all the information and all the stuff at MaximumFun.org slash donate. And you can be one of those people that's at the beginning of every Sound of Young America program saying the Sound of Young America is supported by listeners like you and me. You can be the me in that. When you hear the pride in those people's voices, because every time they listen to the shows that they love, they know that they're making it happen, that they're the people behind that. It's like when you go to a corporate workshop and you do those kind of trust falls where you fall off of a thing and then like 12 people are holding the guy up. Not 1,000 people.

That's crowd surfing. That would be too many. That's bumper shoot. Those 12 people are holding you up. Or when a rock and roll guy is crowd surfing. And they leap out into the audience and they're passed through the audience through these thousands of people that love them right so you guys could be the hands holding up jordan and jesse and the maximum fun the rest of the guys seriously if you want to cop a feel like we can't do anything about it if you want to grab their phone or their wallet and hold it until the end of the concert they probably shouldn't have

put it in their pocket before they started performing anyway all We're not going to go all Courtney Love on you. We're not going to get down from the crowd surfing and kick you in the crotch if you try and grab our tits. No. Well, we want you to grab our tits. Unless you want them to kick you in the crotch. Unless that's part of it for you. We'll kick you in the crotch.

Yeah, that's your thing, you pervert. Look, if you go to MaximumFun.org slash donate, you sign up, let's just say at the $20 a month Diamond Friendship Circle level, and you need me or Jordan to kick you in in the nads we're not afraid to do it and you know what we'll kick you in the box if you're a lady if that's what you want yeah if that's what you want they will kick you in your smooth cemented over grandma vagina if you are an fbi agent who has to go undercover to do something we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Who am I?

Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. That's who. Hey there, Jordan Morris, boy detective. DC Pearson, master of calamity. What a pleasure to have the great DC Pearson here. What's up guys? I feel like we did not talk enough about how great mystery team is. Yeah.

And I actually had a specific part of Mystery Team that I wanted to discuss. Oh, guys, for people who don't know the theme of Mystery Team, it's three guys played by you. Myself. And Donald Glover. Yes. And the guy whose name is Derek. I don't know his last name. No, it's Dominic Dirkus. Dominic, there you go.

Name of the group is Derek. Yeah, Dominic Dirkus. Derek, I don't know his last name. No, it's Dominic Dirkus. Dominic, there you go. Name of the group is Derek. Yeah, Dominic Dirkus. And you guys were like boxcar children growing up. Not literal boxcar children, but you were mystery solvers.

Yeah, we were like the Hardy Boys or like Nancy Drew or something like that. Kid detectives, basically. And now you're all in high school, but still adventuring and mystery solving, and it's gone from charming to kind of creepy. Precisely. We all have the same haircuts, the same bikes, bikes you know solving the same kind of like kid scale crimes and basically the movie's about us being challenged to solve an actual adult like murder this little girl comes to our booth and is like uh will you you know find out who killed my parents because her parents and parents were just brutally slain it essentially devolves over the course of the film into just a group of teenagers who think they're nine-year-olds in the midst of a kind of early 90s action film.

Yeah, they get dragged into an underbelly of drugs and crime and sex. There's like a warehouse shootout. Yeah, yep, yep, exactly. I wanted to talk specifically, you mentioned sex. There's a very good scene where you guys all have to infiltrate a strip club. And to me, when you see a strip club in a movie, it's, you know, it's very much, you know, it's clearly a set. Everybody in it is very, very good looking. in it is very very good looking um i watched showgirls recently uh on netflix instant and kind of remarked at how like kind of polished and good looking everybody in these strip clubs was

uh the one in your movie actually disgusting and maybe like closer to the reality uh and i just kind of wanted to ask about that is the sort of authenticity that you either have to pay many many millions of dollars for or no money at all for. And it's just authenticity by virtue of the fact of like this is kind of all we can get. So you're saying that just your uncle owns a strip club. Oh, God, do I wish. No, it was actually a – we shot that movie in Manchester, New Hampshire, which is where our director, Dan Ekman, and our producer, Maggie McFadden, are both from. And so we were shooting up there, and there was a strip club named Mark's Showplace, which

I believe is still there. What? Mark's Showplace. And so we went in there. That's what he shows. He doesn't show his tits, but he, yeah, the tits are on display. But he does show tits. Oh, by the pound.

I don't know what the measurement. Yeah, tits by the barrel full. Come on down. Hopefully by the pair. Sure. Sometimes. If there's an odd number of tits, something is wrong. But so, yeah, we shot at that place and we kind of had to go in.

And it was this weird thing where we went in there one of the first nights when we were in town doing pre-production. We were like, OK, this would be probably the place to shoot the scene if we're going to do it. And then we tried to get in contact with like their manager or Mark himself, I believe. And I think that we ended up talking to like Maggie, the producer, ended up talking to like someone who claimed to be that guy. And then we gave him like a fee. We probably gave him like, I don't know, $1,200. And then it turned out that that just wasn't the guy. What?

And we just completely got bilked. Yeah, exactly. And then so we ended up getting in touch with the actual guy. And we were allowed to do it. But we were like, okay, can we shoot on this Monday? Because that's what works for our schedule. And they're like, no, you can't. Because that's the night that we have our all-male review. Which is actually our most popular, most money-making night.

I think because apparently it's a lot of like closeted dads who go have our all-male review, which is actually our most popular, most money-making night. I think because apparently it's a lot of closeted dads who go to the all-male review. And then so that's just a big money-making venture for them. And so we ended up having to reschedule it. And then we put up flyers. We were like, well, the girls who work at this strip club who are similarly to the girls in the movie, let's say, again, authentic, real, verite um were we were like they'll probably want to be in a movie who doesn't want to be in a movie right and we put up flyers and like i guess their dressing room or whatever and uh no one got in touch with us none of the girls at the strip club

wanted to do it i guess because they didn't want to be like immortalized as strippers per se it's like they're passing through this they don't want to be cast in the amber of indie film um and uh so we ended up having to... Although, one benefit is, millions of years after they die, you can extract their DNA and recreate them for Stripper Park. Let's just hope that Wayne Knight isn't in charge of security in that situation. Well, he himself has been reconstituted from the amber of Jurassic Park. Or Newman from Seinfeld. Maybe the aliens found a

seinfeld season four dvd places you can get his dna um also space jam and oh yeah he was in space jam huh you're right um so i know what his place in american contemporary culture is we needn't debate that that explains why michael jordan is in stripper park i couldn't figure that out um but so we ended up having to order out for strippers from a website named BostonPartyStrippers.com. So if you're in the Northeast area, in the New England area, BostonPartyStrippers.com for all your stripper needs. You can go there. You can evaluate the girls. There's weird starbursts photoshopped over their faces.

So you can't see their faces. And then you just look at their bodies and then you order them offline. So the girls came. We shot like over a night at the strip club and then uh quite a few of them had to leave around five or six in the morning had like hard outs because they had to go take their kids to school so yeah and uh one of them i think stole money from the makeup woman supposedly stole it from's fun. But you forged a few lifelong friendships, probably. Well, I mean, friendships is such an understatement. I would say, like, sort of soul understandings.

Kind of bonds, yeah. Your wives. Many, many wives. Spiritually, yeah, if not in legally. It's not legally binding. No, no, God, no. I was really, one of the things, I knew that it would be full of uh great

laughs this film so i knew the reputation of derrick comedy i knew that you guys wouldn't undertake such a project lightly i was impressed at uh when i watched the film at the sheen on this movie it looks it it looks like i mean it doesn't look like a michael bay movie for that you got to shoot only in the magic hour right um but it looks it looks like a 12 million dollar movie uh thank you very much yeah I mean I think that is um I mean I don't know I just got to give it up to our director uh Dan for really kind of thinking everything out and we didn't want to go and say like well it's a comedy so it doesn't have to look any sort of way like I think people use comedy sometimes as a crutch and they go well it's a comedy it doesn't

have to be presented well and we didn't want to let the fact that we were making a comedy for no money kind of get in the way of that. We wanted it to sort of have a feel of like an 80s Amblin movie is sort of like about like adventure and suburbia and stuff like that. So Derek, Derek is a sketch comedy group. That's not just the three of you guys who are performers, but also your producer and director are also members of the group. Correct. Now, that's something that, I mean, when Jordan and I were doing Prank the Dean in the olden times and doing sketch comedy festivals, I feel like we were literally two years too old to be in the era where sketch comedy groups mostly made videos for the internet. Yeah, yeah.

We definitely started just before and ended on the cusp of when sketch comedy groups were primarily about youtube videos yeah i think you you guys are you guys are still very much a going concern despite each of you having your own successes in hollywood and so forth um yes definitely absolutely i mean it was interesting we sort of felt like um when that whole thing started happening with like internet videos and what have you like the sort of uh apocle like shift that you guys are or apocle i don't know how to actually say that word i've never said that loud before is it epical i don't know uh epcot center i'd say epical does that i don't know i don't know um i tried to be a hot shot and it burned me um but when that sort of shift

was happening we kind of felt like because we were just a um we were in all in a sketch comedy don't know. I don't know. I tried to be a hotshot and it burned me. But when that sort of shift was happening, we kind of felt like because we were just a, we were in all in a sketch comedy group in college. And so we just put a lot of work into making those new shows every month, just to kind of make shows just because we liked sketch. And that's kind of what we put all our work into. So when that started happening, that people could actually like put videos online, and they were getting a following, we had already been making sketch comedy videos, because even though there wasn't any place to put them just because we were trying to emulate mr show and we our shows would go from like stage to film to stage to film and so we kind of felt like as though we were like making we were like blacksmiths making swords and

then like the crusades happened it's like we need these now like it was neat because we already we already knew how to kind of like make sketch videos and then there was a brief like one to two year period where studios when people were weirdly like throwing money at sketch groups and it was like this crazy like social network era that no one will ever make a movie about where there was just like they're like every sketch group in new york has a several thousand dollar contract with time warner or whatever that's when summer of tears made a pilot for the wB. Yeah, yeah. As I recall. Now I feel like comedy videos are like Confederate money on the internet.

Yeah, they're like Confederate script, and we're all just wandering like the wasteland in a post-Civil War. DC, sure. I know that you thought that Confederate money on the internet was flus, but flus has actually come back around it's quite valuable again what that is it was an internet it was an internet currency it was a currency created specifically for the internet but featuring whoopi goldberg flues is backed by the floam standard correct uh so for every internet flues it's actually backed up by a very real floam Ron Paul made sure of that

He said no internet No internet Currencies that aren't Backed by flu No one is going to get this but there's going to be four people that think it's the funniest This joke is so complicated It's such a complex web Of illusions and things

I was going to try and bring Gak into this Great let's do it well gack gack is actually what they used to back beans with a z the other big internet currency of 1995 how does this relate to silly bands and pets.com and pets.com yeah featuring michael um but yeah but it was it was very i don't't know, it was neat. But then I think, Jordan, I think you're correct, where it's like, now that is the main thing, where it's not even like people are getting together, like, let's be a sketch group. They're like, we want to make funny videos for the internet. Sure. Which is our experience was always like, we were very happy to came from where we came from and kind of learn how to do it on stage. And like being in New York and

going to school in New York and being able to take classes at like the UCB and do shows there, where we felt like we started as like sketch comedians first and then we just happened to be making videos if that makes any sense and then as opposed to like where I think it's now about like we just got to make funny videos that people pass around and that have a celebrity what's in the news this week yeah exactly where people are always trying to think like what's the topical thing that I can throw in here or the parody element or like or, like, the Super Bowl's coming up, so we got to do something for that. We never, we tried to never really chase trends, and, like, for that reason, we only have, like, 40 videos, which in internet comedy terms is, like, we might as well have only had one album, if we were a band, you know what I mean?

But, like, all of them I'm still tremendously proud of, which I enjoy. I don't have to look back and be like, why did we make a weird Obama 08 video you know what I mean like we're pretty like proud of that in a weird way I think but yeah I didn't know you guys were from a sketch comedy background I've heard of prank the Dean I think we might have been at the same festival at one point Jordan

oh this actually doesn't have anything to do with Jordan I started by saying Jordan and I'm really lost no what I was gonna say is I'll to say is, I'll tell you one thing. I'll just take a little nap. I'll tell you one thing about your fan base. And I know this because of my work as the proprietor of Put This On, a men's style blog. I have, from time to time, had occasion to post a photograph of your colleague Donald Glover.

Very well dressed, man. On Put This On. I think one time we gave him one of our first Put This On t-shirts and he, like a bunch of people, sent us videos of him wearing it on stage in his stand-up tour. He did a stand-up rap tour. And so a couple times I posted a picture of Don on Put This On. put this on and our blog is the put this on blog is based in tumblr the popular web blog system that allowed makes it easy to reblog and post comments about someone else's posts and um if i post a post of donald glover i could post a post of anybody i can post a post of george clooney anybody if i post a post of don a picture of Don, instantly, literally 75 women reblog it with

an essay about how handsome he is. Good looking dude. Good looking dude. Well dressed man. Fashion plate. There was the internet meme going around for a while. Donald for Spider-Man. When people heard they were remaking Spider-Man, the Donald Glover fans

thought he should play it. It's going to be Andrew Garfield, apparently. Who's that? I don't know. He's from the cartoon strip Garfield. Yes, exactly. I tried to capitalize off that after I auditioned for a role in Final Destination 5. I tried to start the meme, Jordan for Final Destination 5.

It didn't take off. Really? Yeah. What was the hashtag? Jordan for 5 Destination 5. It didn't take off. Really? Yeah. What was the hashtag? Jordan for 5-0. That Final Destination 5 is actually going to be called 5-0 Destination. So maybe it's confusing. Part of it is the numerical.

I don't know. I don't think that I would not be comfortable appearing on screen in a Spider-Man outfit. I don't know if you've seen the new Spider-Man outfit. It really looks like the basketball that the Harlem Globetrotters use. Yeah, it's very sort of like, there's like netting on it, right? There's like weird mesh and stuff.

It's kind of pebbled. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So you can grip him. He's grippable. Yeah, exactly. You can palm Spider-Man. And I've noticed, it seems like they've gone back

in the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man movies, his web shooting was internal. They've gone back to the comic book where he has actual shooters attack. Yeah. He doesn't, he no longer has wrist vaginas. Yeah. I don't know. I liked the wrist vagina.

You did? I thought that made more sense than a, a vial of web fluid that you had to constantly refill. See, I disagree. I like it because, I mean, I think that you get that nerd element of Peter Parker in there, where it's like he's actually building the thing to complete the effect of being Spider-Man. It's not just like, this thing just made you a spider. It's like, I got these spidery elements. How do I put this all together?

Oh, I'll be Spider-Man. So you don't like the alien symbiote? I don't dislike the alien symbiote. Who doesn't like a symbiote? Who doesn't like a good symbiote every i don't i don't dislike the alien symbiote who doesn't like a symbiote who doesn't like a good symbiote every now and sorry god guys don't step all over me all i did was make a presumption about the alien symbiote uh named flues yeah from beyond the stars um yeah i spider-man was like my favorite uh um superhero growing up because i like there was a a very human element to him, even though he had superpowers and stuff like that. I quite liked that. And I thought it was cool when that sort of groundswell started of, like, the Donald for Spider-Man thing because it did come out organically from just, like, some kid being, like, when some blog was, like, who do you think should play Spider-Man?

Some kid just being, like, it should be Donald. And then people really got on board with that. And I think Donald was, was like amused by it and so he was like oh let's start seeing how far this can go and it went like pretty far. The difference between his meme and mine was that his started organically and mine was totally self-serving. Yours is going about as well as

mine DC for Emma Stone's real life boyfriend. It's not going very well at all. I think that hashtag might be too long but that's fine because now that I have this platform of JordanJesseGo I'm going to use it to make her my known. Could you handle that level of saltiness 24-7?

Oh, could I ever? You welcome the back sass that she would dole out on a regular basis. I talk about her only all the time. And Dan from Derek, our director, he was like you're not even joking anymore. You really think that she would like you a bunch, our director, he was like, you're not even joking anymore. You really think that she would like

you a bunch, huh? And I was like, yeah, I do. There's just one of those things where I will criticize people for mistaking the real life person for their character, but I really do think she's that girl from Easy A. And I'm like, we would totally get along. Oh, so that's the Emma Stone. I didn't see Easy A. Easy A is awesome. Really?

It is so good and so funny and so smart. But there's heart in it. Stanley Tucci's adorable. It's great. I cannot recommend Easy A enough. I've seen her on television and was charmed. I'm so charmed by her. She's a charming woman. People should donate to

my DC for Emma Stone's Real Life Boyfriend. What will you do with the money? I'm confused. Why do you need money for this? You know, to like, to impress her, to take her on.

Yeah, exactly. Elaborate boondoggle is where I pretend to be like a prince. He's going to build the world's largest amphibious plane. Yeah, exactly. He needs new jars for his urine. Yeah.

She's, she said many times, let it Howard Hughes. Yeah, exactly. Latter day, Howard Hughes, like said many times, like a Howard Hughes enthusiasm. Yeah, exactly. Latter-day Howard Hughes. Not young, handsome. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

She enjoys Howard Hughes when Aviator ends. She's like, when the Aviator stops, that's where my love of Howard Hughes begins. Which is why she likes Jesse with his many Kleenex boxes on all of his limbs. That's why she wants to be in this new dark Spider-Man movie. I feel like Hollywood... Oh, yeah, she is in that Spider-Man movie. There was one... That brings it around. There's one successful comic book movie, this Batman movie,

that's about, like, bludgeoning people and shadows. And their souls, bludgeoning their souls. I cannot imagine a comic book character less suited to being to a dark reboot than Spider-Man. Isn't the whole point of Spider-Man that he says a little joke? You know, I might say, also as a Spider-Man fan growing up, a... I want to say, in case anyone out there is questioning my nerd credentials, I too was a Spider-Man fan growing up uh a i want to say i want to say i in case anyone out there is questioning my nerd credentials i too was a spider-man fan growing up that was the one comic book i was a big fan of amazing spider-man i had a subscription in the mcfarlane and larson eras so there you go put

that in your pipe and smoke it nerds carnage yeah venom carnage and detroit the very beginning of carnage and then that was pretty much the end of my run. But, yeah. Put that in your long Lord of the Rings Gandalf-esque pipe. Yes, exactly. And smoke it and make the smoke curl into various shapes of dragons and special lands. Something that I like about Spider-Man, and that I think is kind of conducive to a more, to a more, and not dark, but a more kind of thoughtful, less glamorous story, is that he is the superhero who lives in an apartment and still has to have a shitty job.

Yeah. And that it is kind of superheroics without the glitz. You know, he's not millionaire Bruce wayne and he's not that's not dark well i i think that i think that is it i don't think it has to be one or the other i think that the nice thing about spider-man i think jordan what you're describing is that he is sort he does come from an innocent place but then he gets embroiled in all this dark stuff by virtue of the fact that he's a crime fighter and if he's stopping crime people are going to come after him people are going back i'm going to hurt your family if they know who he is or like hurt the people close to you so i don't

think it has to be one or the other i think yeah and his dramatic disney-esque anti-semitism um i kind of think that i don't know i don't know that it has to be one or the other um but i i think that the problem is that people view it like not like oh it can be sort of disney-esque anti-semitism walt disney-esque he felt well i thought you meant like he feels about jews the way donald duck felt about hitler that he's gonna go over the seas and punch him yeah um but i think that or that i was like he had some good ideas trains ran on time i wish i could do a donald duck voice he's pro he's pro-fascist. He's like, yeah, exactly. He's like, there's a Superman.

But he was more Mussolini than Hitler. To be fair to Donald Duck, he liked Mussolini much more than he liked Hitler. Did the trains, because that's what they said about Mussolini, right? The trains run on time, but not Hitler. He originally got into it because of Franco. He was interested in Franco in Spain, and then it sort of got out of control. He was just infatuated with power, like Bowie, when he was in his dressing like a fascist. You know, his outfit, that naval outfit that he wears,

is because he was in the Spanish Navy during the Spanish Revolution, the Spanish Civil War. I think we're back to the Spider-Man, I guess, if I'm still trying to connect here and make a point. I think where Hollywood gets into trouble is that they feel like, and my friend, he's a film writer, Drew McQueen, he made a really good point where he's like, fanboys really only seem to want, or at least Hollywood perceives fanboys as only wanting, although I do think there's a grain of truth to it, they only want their Hollywood comic book remakes in one color palette, and that's dark and gritty. Because anything else they'll think is gay. They're like homophobic, and so anything that's like bright and colorful like that's good they also to be fair they also

desperately need to prove that their childish uh emotionally immature obsessions are adult and the only way they can do that without developing complex emotional sense is through violence yeah oh exactly that's the only way that it can get across not like complex emotions or because i think that the christopher nolan because I think that the Christopher Nolan movies are actually the Batman movies are tremendously thoughtful. Like, I don't know if I know of many other huge popular movies where like themes and and psychological things are so well integrated into the actual story while still being tremendously great popcorn entertainment. I think that Hollywood's problem is that people either like I was talking about, people use comedy as an excuse. I think people use comic book movie as an excuse as well. They go, eh, it's like either people that don't like comic books or really do like comic books are like, it's a comic book.

And saying it's a comic book can justify anything, be it like having a really lame, awful color palette or shooting it in a dumb way or having hammy, wooden, like cardboard acting. Like I kind of think that comic book is just this watchword that people can use to justify any kind of artistic lame excess like Julie Tamar on Broadway style. This is a comic book podcast right here, by the way. If you're wondering why I have lack emotional depth, all I am is just a bunch of dick jokes. Sure. Yeah. Once you get up close to Jesse, you can actually see the little dots of newsprint that form it's like a lichtenstein painting although you know i think it might even be simpler than that i think it's just that the joel schumacher batman movies were so traumatic for everyone involved for america yeah that that those those those echoes are still there the joel schumacher

batman movies have been described as the pre-9-11 9-11. Yeah, they have. People were calling them 9-11 when they came out. It was confusing. They didn't know why. No, they just said it. Later we learned. It was like as if a phantom had taken control of their speech.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, filmmaker, actor, comic, writer. His book, The Boy Who Couldn't Sleep and Never Had To. His recent film, Mystery Men, available on video now. Because I'm Kel Mitchell. Yes. Sorry. Sorry about that. It's okay.

Mystery team. Mystery team. Available from Lionsgate DVD. And you're not Kel Mitchell. You're William H. Macy. Mystery team. Mystery team. Available from Lionsgate DVD. And you're not Cal Mitchell. You're William H. Macy. Thank you. So Lionsgate put out your guys' DVD. They did.

Have you guys been approached to conceive and direct the next Saw movie? We have been approached to cater it. Oh, that's going to be exciting. Well, that's because word got out about your breakfast burritos. It did. hater it oh right yeah that's gonna be exciting yeah exactly that's what got out about your breakfast burritos it did well yeah because all of the saw movies are now made by a loose collective of other lionsgate employees filmmakers they just get them together and bang them out in like a weekend yeah after the company picnic all the lionsgate employees are sitting around lionsgate employees and filmmakers are all sitting around had a few beers been in the sun all day let's knock out a saw movie and then we can all go home to our family. I have something that I want to talk about that is related, in fact, to something that DC brought up earlier.

This is an email that we got from a listener in response to our request. I don't know if you remember this, but we got jealous of our stable mates, my brother, my brother, and me, because people are always asking them for advice. We're like, well, who the fuck are they to give advice? We're obviously successful human beings who are capable of giving excellent advice in any area. I mean, between the experiences that you and I have had as roughly 29-year-old white guys from California, I mean, we know everything. American advice is always more valuable than Canadian advice, just because the advice exchange rate. Exactly. Although they're getting closer. My brother and me are not Canadian.

Oh, is that stop podcasting yourself? But coastal advice is more valuable than Midwestern advice. Then flyover advice. It goes coastal, Midwestern, Canadian, Mexican. Sorry, guys. Sorry. Sorry. No offense.

No offense. Mexican advice often has drugs stashed inside of it. Here's what this person emailed. Last weekend, I found myself watching every episode of Party Down on Netflix Instant View sequentially and basically all in one sitting. They really love the show, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, blah, blah, blah. We all love it. Party really love the show, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, blah, blah, blah. We all love it. Party Down, great show. You heard about it on The Sound of Young America

when the first season was coming on TV, so don't complain to me about how you haven't heard about it till now. Anyway, having seen the series in such a condensed manner, I've got the most intense

celebrity crush of my life. It's on Lizzie Kaplan, the actress who portrays Casey on the show. I found myself watching interviews with her on YouTube and even doing Google News searches. It's distracting me at work. I'm even thinking of watching Cloverfield, a movie I previously had zero interest in watching just because she's got a part in it. I'm not used to having this kind of a crush. I feel like I'm in middle school. I should mention I'm engaged.

I love my fiance very much and have happily been in this relationship for years and years. It's a crush and just a crush. But still, this shit runs deep. You know, I had a similar experience. I am, I've mentioned before, I just finished up a sitcom writing class, and I decided to write a Parks and Recreation

episode. Fantastic. And so I was a casual viewer before, but thanks to Netflix, I was able to, you know, just kind of plow through the whole series to make sure I, you know, knew the characters' voices and wasn't repeating storylines and stuff like that. And really got into a similar situation with Aubrey Plaza.

It was a beautiful young woman. And I had seen her in several movies before this. I had seen Funny People and I had seen Scott Pilgrim and, you know, thought she was charming and funny. And then got to the point where I didn't like my feelings of arousal while I was watching television. Well, this is me upset. This is an extra concern for you, Jordan, because you roughly travel in the same circles.

Yes, I have seen her out on a few occasions, but not since the crush i was remembering i was remembering seeing her out in the pre-crush days and really thinking i like blew a chance to talk to her or something uh anyway uh jordan jordan's crush is so intense that it just summoned jesse's dogs into the room the pure hormonal uh emissions it's like how a bear can smell a menstruating woman. It can smell a guy. You can close the door. I don't know how they even push the door open. And here's the thing.

I don't have to worry about if I go to a party, will I run into Natalie from Sports Night? Oh, Natalie from Sports Night. That takes me back. Oh, game over. Oh, she was great. What's the name of that actress? Do we know? We don't know. Natalie from Sports Night that takes me back what's the name of that actress? we don't know where are you? I'm sympathetic to that

I just started watching Party Down I've seen maybe the first 5 episodes didn't catch it when it was on I'm a bad person I understand how if you mainline that much Party Down Lizzie Kaplan would work her way into your brainstem i find her tremendously beguiling so here's the here's the question just a quick

observation real quick and i think maybe that is a byproduct of our netflix instant hulu world and that's i've never this thing i'm experiencing now and it sounds like that he's experiencing is totally new to me like i went through adolescence without having a celebrity crush and now i have one and i don't like it and i think it is the fact that you can just absorb this much of the person so quickly and then if and this this required a level of ubiquity in the past that uh it no longer. I mean, I think our friend Matt Belknap from the Never Not Funny podcast, he's openly admitted to having had a borderline weird adolescent interest in Paula Abdul. Sure.

Paula Abdul was on every television, every magazine cover, everywhere. In the same way that, like,ieber is today for a 14 year old girl right how ubiquitous was jillian anderson in the x-files prime because i definitely had that for for her well she in no at no point did she dance with a cartoon cat in a music video right i'm not getting my lines she did do a video with mc's cat cat she did uh yeah she did because he was the uh he was the believer like he believed in aliens and stuff like that and she was the skeptic and opposites tracked exactly so here's this here's this question here's this question what should i do do i write it out do i discuss it with my fiancee uh i need some advice. Crippled by crush in Max Funland.

I mean, I don't know if I have a germ of advice yet, but maybe this will get us there, get us toward one. I kind of feel like what you're describing, like when you, because the thing that I find very beguiling about that Lizzie Kaplan character or similarly about when I saw Emma Stone in that Easy A movie is that they're so kind of the, not even, it's not even just that they're really physically attractive. It is that they're so kind of the, not even, it's not even just that they're really physically attractive. It's that they're the kind of girl you're like, she's great. Like she's a really well-drawn character. And you're kind of like that character would really like me if they ever met me.

Similarly, I think the Lizzie Kaplan character is like so well-drawn and just like so well acted and real. It's not just like a normal, like quote unquote, smart girl in a TV show where it's just like, she's a dumb hot girl, but she wears glasses. Therefore she's brilliant. It's like, no, you legitimately get a sense there's an underlying intelligence and like cleverness there. Maybe that's just her being a really good actress, but it seems like she's fun.

I have an idea. Yes. And I'm going to go back to something that's been a little bit of a theme of mine. First of all, you have to figure out how you can meet Lizzie Kaplan. Okay. That's the first thing. Just whatever it takes. Did this guy say where he lives? Whatever. Well, he lives inzie Kaplan. Okay, that's the first thing. Just whatever it takes. Did this guy say where he lives?

Whatever, well, he lives in Max Funland. So whatever it takes to meet Lizzie Kaplan, that's step number two. Step number one, excuse me. Step number two, take your dick out. Step number three, see what happens. It's called testing the waters. Most likely, jail.

It's possible. Look, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that this is within the bounds testing the waters. Most likely jail. It's possible. Look, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that this is within the bounds of the law, taste, decency, common sense, that it's good advice, that it will help you be a happier, more successful person. Even though we started this segment under the auspices of this is going to be good advice. Here's us really sticking it to those advice guys. Exactly. What are the Max Fun Land bylaws on indecent exposure?

Well, in Max Fun Land, just taking your, having your dick out or taking your dick out is always encouraged. Because it's funny. Because it's funny to

hear about later. You know, this is, and this is something weird that I've experienced in relationships. It's, there are some people who are okay Well, this is something weird that I've experienced in relationships. It's there are some people who are okay talking with their significant other about their celebrity crush, and there's some who aren't. I feel like I have dated women in the past who – like we've been able to talk about our celebrity crushes.

celebrity crushes uh but and i but i also also encountered the situation where you know to them it was it seemed to be similar with saying i'd like to fuck your co-worker yeah like i want a fun fantasy in sincerity i want to lay down one ground rule which is you do not volunteer this okay this is not information that you take the first move on with your sweetheart. I kind of – I think that maybe that has to do with Jordan. I don't know. My amateur like pop psychology, I guess, reasoning on that would be like I think for – I think I would imagine like certain girls being more upset with that than certain guys if their guy – if their like boyfriend confessed a celebrity crush because they're – all of their attraction seems to be more cerebral where I think that guys' attractions sometimes are very segregated where we're like there are people that i'm really attracted to strictly on a physical level and i can sort of quantify it that way and then there are people i'm attracted to on like a you know like uh like brain level essentially where i'm like and that's why i'm attracted to them whereas i think for women it's all sort of

like more congealed which i think is like like actually a cooler way to be attracted to people. For you, the first one would be like, it's like just purely physical, it would be like a Pamela Anderson. The second one would be more a personality, it would be more like- Like Carmen Electra. Like an Alison- Bruce Valanche.

Yeah, a Bruce Valanche dressed as Carmen Electra. Yeah, precisely. Bruce Valanche. I just like, because it's funny because you do hear about those crushes or girls that are like, I love Philip Seymour Hoffman. I want to fuck Steve Buscemi. They're so talented. And it gives a lot of certain guys like me hope.

But the fact that, like, I just really like someone being like, I just love Bruce Valanche. Like, the way his mind works. It seems like a nice enough sort. And those cardio striptease videos that he put out are also great. Where you strip for your lover you get a good cardio workout and you dish on the year and then you yeah and then you do and then you do six minutes on uh you do six minutes of billy crystal i think he has to keep i think that i think that crippled by crush has to keep this information on lockdown and he can only volunteer it if asked

directly i agree in the course of a sort of like, well, who's your celebrity? Who's on our list, babe? Or, you know, whatever, that kind of thing. Like a laughing, joking list. And only if asked directly in a laughing, joking, fun context where she has already offered some. Yeah. I agree. It's too dangerous otherwise.

It sounds like right now it's all too like tangled and weird for him. And he's really paranoid and guilty about it. So no matter how he brings it up right now in this moment, it's going to come across like, look at my weird photo album of Lizzie Kaplan that I have where I like I'll have all of her former addresses in here that I've looked up. You know, one other thing, one other thing about that conversation. I don't know if it'll hurt or help, but you could try taking your dick out to your wife. Yeah, you could definitely take your dick out in front of your wife. That's one of the main reasons to have one. I imagine, Jesse, you're the only married man here.

I'm a married man, absolutely. My dick's out right now. Even though his wife is not in the room. She's here in the house, though. That's how it works. She just likes knowing that dick is out somewhere. In regards to the question, should he seek out her other roles,

the Cloverfields, the True Bloods, when she's naked and... Yep. Yeah. Anyway. Jordan and Jesse just watched me disappear into a DC-shaped cloud of dust as I immediately went down to the video store

and got... You heard a... That was DC's legs. Yeah. I just kicked over the mic stand. I would say, as a guy who's kind of experiencing similar things, I would say quit cold turkey. Because I think it is that constant rocketing of the person into your brain stem that causes that discomfort. So I would maybe say...

Plunge those hormones into your balls. Sure. I would say maybe say, you know... Pump those hormones into your balls. Sure, sure. I would say maybe find a television program. I would say use Emma Stone as, like, methadone and just, like, wean yourself off. Yeah, just EZL in 24 hours, repeat it. Yeah. I think we've changed this guy's life, right?

And then, you know, and then you're on to a healthy dose of the occasional once-a-week Leighton Meester. You know what? Or go back to, like, the vintage porn of nerdy girls and go watch Janine Garofalo on Larry Sanders, which I've been doing recently. She's fantastic.

Fantastic. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. DC Pearson, master of calamity. That was a good, you leaned into that one. Yeah, I wanted to vary it up.

You were back, you were relaxed, you were away from the mic, and then you brought it in to drive the point home. I like that, I enjoy that. Show business professional. Anyway, it's the MaxFunDrive, February 28th through March 14th. Every program in the MaximumFun.org network, currently asking you to support what we do with donations at MaximumFun.org slash donate. I promised that we would talk about the stuff that you get for donating besides the warm feeling in your heart, which you do get. I've gotten confirmed emails from people who say every time i listen

i feel good about it that kind of thing it's not fake no absolutely not this isn't some bullshit that we made up just because dc pearson's here yeah this isn't all just some elaborate scheme yeah these aren't like false boobs that an fbi agent wears to infiltrate an all-girls school um okay this is a real fuckable pussy. Of radio. No matter what level you donate at at MaximumFun.org slash donate, you get the Max Fun Pack.

This is what you get. In the mail, you will get a MaximumFun.org Maximum Fun Club membership card and some stickers from MaximumFun.org. You will also get the digital MaxFun pack, which is a special episode of Jordan Jesse Go that you can only get by donating to MaximumFun.org, a special episode of Judge John Hodgman,

of My Brother, My Brother, and Me, and Stop Podcasting Yourself that you can only get. And I think people might remember from last year we made kind of like a Riff Trax-style short film called Social Courtesy that people really loved. We got so much positive feedback from doing that. So what we decided to do this year for donors is instead of just doing one, me and Jordan, each of our three sort of teams, so to speak, has made one. So Jordan and I have made one. My brother, my brother, and me have made one. And Stop Podcasting Yourself have made one. So Jordan and I have made one. My brother, my brother, and me have made one.

And Stop Podcasting Yourself have made one. So all three of us will have each a short film that you can watch, that you can only watch if you donate. So that's what you get no matter what level you donate at, whether it's $2 a month, $5 a month, $10 a month, $100 a month, $200 a month. At $10 a month, the friend of the family level, you get all that stuff mentioned earlier, plus you get the very first

MaxFun tote bag. Yeah, we're going to have different designs of the MaxFun tote bag. We figured it was time, this is year 11 of The Sound of Young America, to make our first cliched public radio gift and make a tote bag. There was some discussion of making a tote bag that said,

I donated to maximumfund.org and all I got was this fucking tote bag. But we decided most people wouldn't want to go grocery shopping with an obscenity on their bag. As soon as you guys came up with the tote bag somewhere, Carl, Carl Castle was like, welcome. Yeah.

Welcome to the order of the tote. Exactly. Soon you will laugh whenever i say anything um enjoy a fine chardonnay the 20 that's the jordan the ten dollar a month is the friend of the family level the twenty dollar a month level is the diamond friendship circle diamond friendship circle you'll get the tote bag and all of the MaxFunKit stuff. You also get our USB drive, which is a special Maximum Fun branded USB drive. It's actually made of wood, and it has the MaximumFun.org rocket ship on it. And we've put a selection of hand-picked favorite episodes from every podcast in the MaximumFun.org family onto this USB drive. This is like one of

our most requested gifts ever. It's a special thing. Look, you can listen to all the shows, you can delete them all and just use it to store your emergency porno. You can use it as kindling if this is the only way you get wood. It is made of wood. You know, it's funny that you mentioned being able to use it as kindling because the $35 a month level, which is new this year, is the Judge Hodgman's post-apocalyptic Justice Squad level. This is something that is so amazing, this $35 a month level. We have created something that is so amazing that I can almost not imagine that we're really doing it if it weren't for the fact that I have been like surfing websites to buy weird things in bulk for the last month. This is like the single greatest pledge drive gift in the history of pledge drives as far as I'm concerned.

What you get is our 1,000% proprietary, not patent-pending Nerd Emergency Kit. Let's talk, Jordan, about what you get in the Nerd Emergency Kit. You will get an Etan self-powered AM-FM weather radio with flashlight, solar charging, and USB power station slash phone charger. These are great. They provide so many tools you'll need in an emergency. And they're stamped with the Red Cross logo because a portion of your donation goes to support the Red Cross

as it helps people facing emergencies and catastrophes around the world. After the apocalypse, you're going to need to tune into the weather. You're going to have to know what that mushroom cloud is up to. And you may or may not have an electrical plug to plug your radio into. So you need that. You need that hand crank, that solar power. You need that ability to get power without plugging into the wall. Of course, the same thing applies to your telephone.

You're going to want to plug that into the USB on this baby. It applies to your shaver. It applies to your dildonics. Any dildonics you may have that are USB powered. This is an amazing device. It's going to be essential when the apocalypse happens. You will also get the USB drive with the hand-picked episodes. You'll get the awesome and insightful book, Role Models, by John Waters.

Because after the apocalypse, I don't know if you knew this, DC, but the wisdom of John Waters will be used as currency. Well, yeah, because nothing is going to be more relevant as an idea in the post-apocalypse than camp. Yeah, that will be familiar to future generations who spend most of their time fighting cannibal hordes. People will be flipping through it going, hmm, camp, but they live in a camp.

We've got this thing that's the size of a credit card in this kit. It is a credit card survival tool. This is what it has on this one piece of metal that's the size of a credit card. Can opener, knife edge, screwdriver, ruler, cap opener, four position wrench. I don't know what that means. I don't know what the difference between number of positions on a wrench is. Butterfly wrench. I don't know what that is.

That's something they made up. It's to open butterfly cases. Saw blade, lanyard hole, in case you need to keep it on a lanyard, and, of course, direction ancillary indication. Also in the Nerd Emergency Kit, you'll be gaining a pad of graph paper, a mechanical pencil, white surgical tape. That is in case you break your glasses in the apocalypse. A 20-sided die for any bullshit you'll want to do. Some dinosaur band-aids, astronaut ice cream, and of course powdered Tang.

Which came from the space program and is thus the official drink. I mean, you'll need to get vitamins and minerals after the apocalypse. Sure. You're going to be the only person who's equipped with this stuff. That all comes along with the tote bag, the Max Fun Pack, the exclusive, all that shit comes if you join Judge John Hodgman's post-apocalyptic justice squad at the $35 a month level. At the $50 a month level, that's the Thorn Family Blondie Brigade. You'll get everything mentioned earlier.

The Nerd Emergency Kit, the USB drive with the episodes, the tote bag, the fun pack, the donor-only episodes, but you'll also get Jesse and Teresa's homemade Blondies, which they will FedEx to your door. My specialty is Blondies because I can't eat chocolate because it's a migraine trigger. But we will literally, at the $50 a month Thorn Family Blondie Brigade level, we will literally bake you blondies in our home kitchen, put them in a FedEx box, and overnight them to your house. Maybe two days.

Will you include a hand-picked, hand-burned Best of Blondie CD? Absolutely not. Okay. Maybe two day. Will you include a hand-picked, hand-burned Best of Blondie CD? Absolutely not. Okay. Good. That's an incentive for me. $100 a month. This is my signature level. This is the Jesse's Golden Eagles. Not only will you get the Nerd Emergency Kit, the Blondies, all that shit

that we just talked about, you also get an invitation to the MaxFun Dinner, which is a dinner that we have every year the night before MaxFunCon. Various people who are going to be performing and celebrating MaxFunCon, including myself and Jordan and Teresa and often the guys from You Look Nice Today and just probably the Stop Podcasting Yourself guys. We all get together the night before MaxFunCon and have a big dinner where we all celebrate good times and the impending success of MaxFunCon. And I also want to say this also applies if you can't be here the night before MaxFunCon.

I will take you out to lunch whenever you are in town. So I personally, at the $100 a month Jesse's Golden Eagles level, will take you out to lunch when you are in Los Angeles. And I'm buying. We're're probably gonna have huaraches at uh two hundred dollars a month that's jordan's platinum angels uh everything mentioned earlier plus free registration at next year's max fun con the convocation of things that are awesome that's a many hundreds of dollars value and i'll go ahead go ahead and add if you're ever in los angeles and you can't make the Max Fun Dinner, I'll take you out for an aromatic cocktail. Well, that's fantastic. Thank you.

I just added that myself. That's what makes it Jordan's Platinum Angels level. And, of course, there's always, for any level, there's the signed Jordan Morris 8x10 that no one has taken us up on in the many years I've been offering. In fairness, it's of the back of your knee, right? It is, yes. But I do have some genuine 8x10s, perfect for your dry cleaner, your Italian restaurant. Your Paquito Mas. Yeah, I've got them.

I've been dropping hints to my dry cleaner that I'm on television. I really want him to request an 8. They have to request it, right? Do they? i've never understood what the etiquette is like for those you probably have eight by tens right i do have i have really crappy headshots i don't have headshots in the game if someone requested one from me like if my dry cleaner or i would really like my tailor to frankly like if they if one of them requested a headshot, I would literally book a headshot shoot, get a headshot taken and printed. I would have 500 headshots, the minimum order, at my house. I would have a New Yorker cartoon style like caricature of me.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, but to be fair, it seems like dry cleaners stopped taking new headshots around 1991. When Emanuel Lewis stopped being cute and started being sad. Yeah, it seems like it's all like weathermen with, you know, bad hair gel. Anyway, all of these things, here's the thing. Here's the thing that I you listen to this show, you know that you're one of the people who supports it. And you can feel great about supporting independent media that's not about getting advertising, that's not about creating an environment conducive to selling potato chips, but is actually about entertaining you and something that you really care about. I mean, I know, like, when we talked about my wife getting pregnant, I literally got more than 100 emails from people saying congratulations.

So I know that you guys care about the stuff that— No, people seem less enthusiastic about me giving up sweets. I'm glad there's a lot of support for that. Not a single email. Jordan, someone did post on the forum to congratulate you for getting that iphone app that makes a gun sound when you shake it oh yeah well let's somebody's paying attention anyway we know that you care not just about us but about the work that we do because we know that you went

into itunes and click subscribe to listen to this it wasn't an accident and you probably listened to the sound of young america or stop podcasting yourself or one of these other shows even if you don't you know you can know that you're supporting the thing that you like and you're allowing it to, to happen. And, and you're giving us the opportunity to spend our work days doing this and not answering telephones for the trust for public land.

Not that there's anything wrong with the trust for public land who are wonderful. Their podcast is terrible. Yeah. You guys got to donate. Otherwise funny at all. You guys got to, that, that donation is going to go right in Jesse's baby's mouth. Don't rob him of that.

It's the only... And look, donating to supportmaximumfun.org is the only way that you're going to get our Nerdpocalypse kit. Without that, after the apocalypse, unless you're a jock, it's possible you're a jock. I'm not going to sit here and say that you're there are jocks that know how to use itunes well it's either be a post-apocalyptic overlord that has the nerdpocalypse kit which allowed you to establish dominion immediately after the collapse of society or unite the tribe or it's being or it's being slaved by your local

nerdpocalypse kit haver that is now an overlord is35 a month too great a price to pay to ensure that you will not be human chattel? Yeah, spend $35 a month before $35 a month becomes a meaningless amount after the collapse of money. When you have to pay for your debts with pages from a John Waters book. Or USB drives. Or an internet video.

Anyway, don't wait to do it. Don't wait for anything. Maximumfund.org slash donate't wait for anything maximumfund.org slash donate right now maximumfund.org slash donate it's easy just go to the website click we've got this brand new system uh that uh we we trees has literally spent two months setting up a payment processing system so we don't have to use paypal anymore. We get more of your money now because PayPal took a somewhat unfortunate cut.

You're really paying directly for what we do. There's no secretary that you're paying. There's no processing fees that you're paying. You're really paying directly for this programming that you enjoy. There's no flues. Yeah. Maximumfund.org slash donate.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, I was very excited to do it. It's just a lot of fun, DC. It's just a lot of fun. I'm having wholesome fun here tonight. I'm learning, growing, laughing, loving, living. You learned about how many different tools you can fit on a credit card-sized piece of stainless steel. I learned about you can make USB drives out of wood. I didn't know wood was capable of storing information, except for in a very weird kind of fern gully sense. Well, you knew that it was capable of storing information about how long the tree had lived.

That's true. I meant, I'm sorry, digital information. It's clearly capable of holding spiritual information about pains that Native Americans have gone through. Yeah. As you know, DC, because you're a listener to our program, every week we ask people to call in when something momentous happens to them for a segment called Momentous Occasions. And look, Lindsay, our intern, has been on thin ice lately. I'm not going to sit here and say that she hasn't. She's been doing a great job as an intern overall. She comes in.

She works hard. She's bright. She's competent. She's a sharp tack. But we've had a few calls that I was not happy with. And the reality is that I don't feel comfortable giving her credit at Occidental University, the college that she goes to. Do you want to give out any more identifying information for her while we're at it? If she's not...

Look, I'm not going to go to her house. It's 629 look, I'm not going to go to her house at 629 Main. And no, look, I don't feel comfortable giving her school credit until she demonstrates competence in screening Jordan Jesse Go calls. And I also – let me say, I also don't feel comfortable screening the calls myself when I can make the intern do it. myself when I can make the intern do it. She, if she needs, if she wants to get credit for Occidental College, where she's the, what, class of, I guess,

2013. Just something like that. Yeah, she stays in the dorm Orange South below the quad. Right. If she wants to get credit in the new economy of tomorrow. If she wants a dining hall that has the soft serve. That hypnotizes people. If she wants to get credit in the new economy of tomorrow,

screening Jordan Jesse Go Calls is going to be a very important skill. We can't be losing to the Indians or the Japanese or the Chinese on this front of screening Jordan Jesse Go Calls. She's got to pitch in. There are universities now that offer degree programs in Jordan Jesse Go Call screening. University of Phoenix has an entire 60-second commercial devoted to just this very skill.

Yeah. And I just want to say that maybe, you know, her other max fun headquarters duties, her office work or her, you know, trap door, trap door maintenance, trap door maintenance. Maybe she's doing a great job. I don't know. My only interaction with her work is the bullshit calls that she picks. So right now, in my mind, she's the world's biggest fuck-up. And I also want to say, on top of all this stuff, that I want to be clear that we're joking about all of it.

Because I don't want her to feel bad about it or listeners to think that we actually think that she's a horrible person or a bad intern or anything because she's actually really great but which is why we can say this is a fun running gag so lindsey fuck off yeah you're fired you're fired preemptively unless this call is really good it all rides on this call hi jordan jesse go this is aaron in provo utah My mom just called me and told me that she just snorted cocaine. So, I guess that's a momentous occasion. Yeah, okay, that was pretty good. That was pretty good. Yeah, I'm not going to... She called to say she had just snorted cocaine?

Well, she needed something to do. She had a burst of energy from the cocaine, and she said, well, what have I been putting off? Oh, calling my son. But in fairness, she was just trying to prove to a drug dealer that she wasn't a cop. In a post-Big Mama's House America, most cops are, in fact, undercover cops are, in fact, moms. It's worked really well. Yeah.

We do live in a post-Big Mama's House America. That's a good point, DC. Wow. That's amazing. point, DC. Wow, that's amazing. How horrible is that? Yeah, and I mean, you know, Provo, Utah, a fairly wholesome community, I would think. Maybe he has a really hot mom, though. Yeah.

That's true. Maybe his mom is on Rumspringa, but for moms. She's just going out there. Rumspringa. Yes, I know about Rumspringa. Sure, sure, sure. I think we can agree that cocaine is much more acceptable if it's being done by a hot lady. Oh, sure.

I've learned that. If there's anything that I've learned from the films of the 1980s, it's that. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Anything's more acceptable when it's being done by a hot lady. Because of a hot lady. Working on a car. Sure. A hot lady with a burst of energy is more likely to, you know, dance around, maybe take off some clothes.

But an unattractive woman doing cocaine, I mean. If it's just some homely woman that's really smart, a Carmen Electra type. Yeah. This is just frightening because I'm like, there's moms out there, there's cocaine out there. This had to happen sometime. The collision was inevitable. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse.

This is Rachel, and I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I was just listening to the Super Bowl Sunday edition of the show, and I stepped outside of my gym, which is where I was listening, in Silver Lake, and right there on the newsstand in front of my eyes was an 8x10 piece of paper that said, need security, call Rick, R-I-K, phone number, fluent in Italian and English, physically fit. So I just wanted to let your listeners know that Rick is also available for security in the Silver Lake area. And it's momentous because what the fuck?

Talk about timing. Thanks, guys. fuck. Talk about timing. Thanks, guys. Not only did she see a flyer advertising Rick's services as a security guy, one of our listeners

emailed in to let us know that he was their landlord. What? Rick Martino. Certainly, yeah, of Kinko's fame. Sure. I saw a weird flyer a couple days ago It said need help Call Rick Martino fluent in

Italian physically fit Apparently he's YouTube superstar Black and white art film superstar Rick Martino But I guess he's branching He is the Human credit card sized multi-tool. Yes.

Essentially, I think, is what we're learning about Rick. He's really big into birds, by the way. If you're wondering, is he big into birds, he is, at least according to the guy who Rick was his landlord. Wow. The ornithologically inclined Rick Martino. Yeah, I think that's the classic mentally unstable person. rick martino yeah i think that's the classic mentally unstable person although i have to say that as crazy as rick martino is uh i had a landlord when i was a kid when i was a little kid who was a south vietnamese guy uh who one time we came home and he had painted our apartment building

uh forest green and fluorescent orange and uh he always walked around in his military uniform. Yeah, why is it that landlords are like, it seems like you'd have to be super together to be a landlord. I think the thing is, is if you're crazy and you, but you already bought the building, you still own the building. Yeah, I think they have it over you, so you'll tolerate

any amount of quirk from them. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Matt from Chicago with a momentous occasion. I just wanted to call in keeping with the amount of quirk from them. And I just saw a man driving steering wheel in one hand and utilizing a shake weight in the other hand. This is my first time seeing a shake weight outside of either the late night infomercial or some sort of ironic mockery. Wow. Yeah, pretty good. I mean... I would like to know how the guy was dressed. I'd like to know how he knew that he wasn't just jacking off.

I gotta say, though, as far as the calls go, Lindsay, with the exception of the cocaine mom calls, really only continuing Jordan Jesse go franchises such as Rick Martino, YouTube star, such as highway sightings and things like that. She's not starting to hold not covering a whole lot of new ground. She's definitely going to be fired by the end of this episode. There's no doubt about that. The reality is that we're gone. Conclusion is much hard work as she's done and as good as she's been at it, at the end of the day, we're looking at an unsatisfactory performance in Jordan Jesse Go screening. And also, this is all a joke, so you don't have to feel bad for her. She knows that it's a joke.

She understands what jokes are. That's why she works at MaximumFun.org. But seriously, I'm watching over Jesse's shoulder as he texts Lindsay at 323-496. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Goats. Ben in D.C. I got on a vacation. I'm trained to be an EMT. Tonight I was doing a

shit-out hospital. I stuck a needle in someone for the first time. He was an older, surly, drunk gentleman who had just pooped himself. He did the first try, and a cute girl said he did a good job. Well, I think the most momentous part

is that a cute girl said he did a good job. Yeah, right? Anytime a cute girl says you do a good job at anything, that's when you know you're winning at life. It's great. Yeah, that's why you undertake any venture. Yeah, that's when you know you handled the shit pants with grace.

Hi, guys. This is a listener in New York, and I'm going to stay anonymous for this momentous occasion or possible moment of shame, which I am about to share. I think it's – I shouldn't really attach my name to it. This is Lindsay, the intern, by the way. So I'm a volunteer SAT tutor with underprivileged kids in New York City. And today, in the middle of tutoring, one of them showed me a dick pic that he was sent. He said, hey, do you want to see a picture I got with a text message? And he showed it to me. It was a wang.

And then we went back to learning about circles and triangles. I am scarred for life. Oh, and to make it more momentous and more shameful maybe, I don't know, first dick pic by a text message I've ever seen. All right. Thanks. Love the show. Wow.

You know what this answers? You know what question this answers? What if Mr. Holland's opus had been made in the cell phone era? Would have been all dick pics. Would have been a bunch of dick pics. But then Mr. Holland's kid would be born blind so therefore the inability to see dick pics. And that was his opus

is the first braille cell phone to wear. Wait a minute. So he can read the the first Braille cell phone. Wait a minute. So you can read the word dick on the cell phone? You can read the word, check out my dick. I thought Mr. Holland's opus was about the Dutch guy who created the cartoon strip Opus. Is that not right? Not the guy who created Blue County?

Why would they call it that if it was? Why would they call it that? So the guy from Holland blue counting. Why would they call it that? If it was, why would they call it that? So the guy from Holland named Mr. Holland? Oh, no. He was known colloquially. Oh, known colloquially as Mr. Holland. Because he's always talking about Holland stuff. Right.

Like windmills and wooden shoes. And dykes, the not offensive kind. We really need to talk about Opus's place in our contemporary culture. Anyway, there's momentous occasions for this week's program. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse.

Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love here. Thank you for having me, you guys. This was a blast. Now, you're not seriously in league with Kevin Smith and my enemy, the Smodcastle, are you? Again, they won't acknowledge you as an enemy because they're so their own thing. They're a world unto themselves. I would also welcome an invitation to be friends with them. I want to make that part of my feud with them clear. Absolutely. You should come. My friend Dominic does a talk show on Saturdays.

You should come be on the talk show. We'll come be on the talk show any time. So you're on this Smodcastle show that people can enjoy. You should come. My friend Dominic does a talk show on Saturdays. You should come be on the talk show. That will be your entree into the fantastic. So you're on this Smod Castle show that people can enjoy. Yes, indeed. That's every Saturday night at 10 p.m. It's called Magic Bag. It's a stand-up show at the Smod Castle in Hollywood. I co-host it with my friend Eliza Skinner.

And, yeah, it's every week. And people can get tickets at, I believe, SmodCastle.com. And, of course, they can follow you on Twitter. Over there at twitter.com slash DC Pearson, D-C-P-I-E-R-S-O-N. I want to say something about a live show that we're doing that is not just for people here in Los Angeles. We are actually going to be live streaming the grand finale of the MaxFunDrive. This is going to be live from MaxFun World Headquarters.

We're going to have audio and video. We're going to have very special guests. We'll announce next week who the guests are going to be. I think it's going to be basically the greatest thing that we've ever done in our entire life. Is that fair to say? Yep. Sunday, March 13th. It's going to start at 7pm Pacific,

10pm Eastern. It's two hours long, so there's no excuses for not watching it. That's prime time on both coasts, 7 to 9 p.m. Pacific, 10 to 12 Eastern time. You can find it at MaximumFun.org. It will be the grand finale for the whole MaxFunDrive. People are always requesting live video streaming, Jordan Jesse goes. So you can join us and have a chat with all the other Max Fundsters who are there. We're going to have some really cool people stopping by.

It's going to be a lot of fun. I'll probably show my new dog on camera. It's going to be a real blast. And look, here's the situation. This is the Max Fund Drive. We listed the amazing shit that you can get if you support this show and all the other shows at maximumfund.org uh dc was sitting over here flipping the fuck out over our highly collectible nerd emergency kit i'm thinking of ways to scrape together 35 a month we've basically

got the three best thank you gifts we've ever had at maximum fun.org and that's to say nothing of the opportunities to literally have me bake for you i will bake you blondies at the 50 a month level that's how deep this shit goes what's the base of blonde is it butterscotch yeah it's a butterscotch caramel type situation yeah it's like a brownie but it's like a caramel butterscotch brownie on this side of the apocalypse you can enjoy some fine podcasting and cookies. And on the other side of the apocalypse, you can establish dominion over the other mutants in the wasteland. You can't lose. Exactly.

The Judge John Hodgman's post-apocalyptic Justice Squad membership cost is nothing compared, as we said, to the price of becoming human chattel after the mushroom cloud. When all your cute, ironic tattoos will now be used as identifying marks in human mutant slave trades. Maximumfund.org slash donate is where you go to donate. And we welcome your feedback, of course, about the show. The donation page, we're going to ask you, like, which of our shows you listen to and what you like and that kind of thing. It's really your way of essentially casting a vote for people making their own thing that someone can really care about instead of some corporation making something that people are willing to tolerate well enough to trick them into watching commercials for Doritos. Not that we wouldn't do a commercial for Doritos if it came up. Oh, God, if anybody's listening from Doritos.

Cooler Ranch. As long as it's not, as long as it's cooler, it's the original nacho cheesy instead of nacho cheesier, I'm out. Jesse's board has a ranch knob and it's set all the way to cooler. That's the only speed at which Jordan and Jesse co-operate. Standard cool cooler standard ranch oh that's the saddest thing in the world anyway afford cooler it's all at maximumfund.org slash donate do it now don't don't fuck around and wait for a week or whatever just do it we want to get 1200 new donors during the max fun

drive we've got people who've given you challenges. People who already donate have donated per new donor. You can soak them. You can make them pay up the wazoo. That's what they want. That's what they're requesting for you by issuing you a challenge. I think we can do it. I think we can get 1,200 new donors during the Max Fund Drive, Jordan.

Why wouldn't we? You can follow us on Twitter. I'm at YoungAmerican. Jordan's at Jordan underscore Morris. And we'll be talking about the Max Fund Drive on Twitter. We encourage you. There's a thread on the forum where you can take credit for your donation. We encourage you to take credit on Twitter.

We often, I often enjoy during the Pledge Drive retweeting people who make clever requests for their friends to donate to the Max Fund Drive once they do, or clever explanations of why they did donate to the Max Fund Drive on Twitter. That was a big blast last year. Look, it's all MaximumFund.org slash donate. That's all our time for Jordan, Jesse, go. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design. We'll see you at MaximumFund.org slash donate. And in two weeks or so, on Sunday, March 13th, at the MaxFunDrive live finale with me and Jordan streaming live on the Internet.

Thank you, DC Pearson. Thanks to you for having me. Run out to the bookstore. Run, don't walk. And get The Boy Who Couldn't Sleep and Never Had To. And go check out Mystery Man starring william h macy don't check out mystery team starring donald glover jordan morris presents aubrey plaza and the rest of the derrick comedy crew oh man you know uh you know who's fantastic in that mystery team

who's that uh bobby moynihan oh geez he's funny in that. Oh, my gosh. I'm basically, he was funny enough in that film Mystery Team that I am on his team for life. I enjoy him. I enjoy his, I'm excited and happy that he's on the Saturday Night Live television show, and I enjoy his work there. But he could make 10 shallow howls one day, and I would still be on his team, just like I'm still on Jack Black's team because of tenacity and high fidelity. His catchphrase could become, whoops, there it is. And I would still be rooting for Bobby Moynihan because I love that movie so much.

Sometimes there are those iconic roles that give you a lifetime pass to just fucking phone it in until you die. But he won't do that because he's a hard worker. No, he won't. He's tenacious, he's out there. He's sweating it out. Yeah, he's sweating it out. Just like Jordan and Jesse,

so you should donate to them. You know, he was in When in Rome. He was in When in Rome. We're not holding it against him. He was in When in Rome, legitimately one of the most

convoluted, if you're a fan of convoluted things, you've got to see that When in Rome. Anyway, MaximumFun.org slash donate the place to go. We'll talk to you next week

right here on Jordan and Jesse Go.