Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 166: Dress Mess with Maria Bamford

Episode Date: March 9, 2011

Maria Bamford joins Jesse and Jordan to pitch reality shows and so on.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

We're joined by one of the best in the business, the great Maria Bamford. We've got some great reality show pitches for you. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, you look good. Okay.

You look like you're ready for action. Sure. Ready to have some fun. As always. How are you feeling? I'm feeling great. How's that no sugar thing treating you? That I don't like.

I accidentally offered you some pudding and I want to apologize for that. Yeah, that was a real fuck you pudding offer. I really didn't mean to upset you by offering you pudding but i'm worried that i might have done so that you did at least you didn't like drizzle it all over your face and then lick it off while i watched or had one of the dogs lick it off i was gonna do i was gonna do that later but i've crossed it off my list thank you i appreciate it i have a to-do list of different stuff to pour on my face and then lick it off in front of you. Well, you know, I actually have some thoughts about this.

Maybe we can introduce our guest and then we can get into it. Of course. You know her as one of the funniest stand-up comedians in America. What a pleasure to welcome to the program the great Maria Bamford. Thank you. I know that's subjective, but thank you very much for saying that. That's my personal opinion. No, that's very kindly.

That's my opinion. And very welcoming, like a pineapple. Pineapples are a little hostile. To be the, yeah, least welcome. Because they're pokey on the outside. They're hard to open. It's the sign of hospitality. Whenever you go into a hotel,

a lot of times they've got a little pineapple sign. I bought a pineapple today at the store to juice in my Champion Juicer. Oh. Do you have a Champion Juicer? I don't. Do you know? Are you familiar with the type of juicer? It looks a little bit like an anteater or an aardvark.

It's really heavy duty, is it not? Yeah, it's super heavy. And you can just put anything in that thing. You know what? I think I know a special. You can put frozen bananas and frozen pineapple, and then it makes this wonderful ice cream. Yeah, that is good.

I've had that. Didn't somebody tell us to do that on this very program? I think they did. Yeah, and we did it. It's very popular, apparently. Well, I learned about it from my friend Amy. Well, Amy knows her shit. She sure does.

There's no doubt about this, Maria. Amy knows her champion juicing. Sounds like this pineapple banana juice thing is more popular than Silly Bands. What are Silly Bands? Oh, there's these things that kids like these days. It's like a rubber bracelet. Oh, okay, yes.

And when you take it off, it takes the shape of a popular character. Oh, I thought it was like a weird Al Yankovic reference, like everyone's doing a silly band. Oh, silly bands. This is silly bands with a Z. Bands. And from what I understand, children love them. Kids, I've seen those for sale as if they might be an impulse buy.

Yeah, yeah. Lots of Targets will have them next to like the nuts and the jerky. Not a lot of household budgets have the Silly Bands line item on them. It is largely, I think, an impulse buy. I have heard that... This is for investment in yourself. This could have been just a funny person joking around, but I've heard that the Kardashians

will now have Silly Bands, and when you take them off, it's just the shape of a woman with a big butt. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's kind the shape of a woman with a big butt. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's kind of fun. It is a little bit fun. Yeah, that's kind of fun.

I have never watched the Kardashians television program. They have several television programs. They do? So let me know which one you haven't watched. Okay. None of their television programs have I watched. But I did see them on the Conan O'Brien program. And I was, frankly, a little bit confused by the fact that I did actually find them

likable and entertaining. I did not expect to find them likable and entertaining, I have to say. Well, over four billion people can't be wrong. Yes. It turns out they can't be wrong. Yes. It turns out they can actually be wrong. Yes. They mostly like to watch The Biggest Loser. That's their main interest.

I know. That one should just be called Exercise Bulimia. That's pretty good. I don't understand, and I don't think you guys will be able to shed any light on this, but I just want to say it out loud. I don't understand what the non-butt appeal is of the Kardashians. They don't seem to be anything. They're confident.

They have a glorious confidence that not many can understand. So people, when they're watching it, they're just kind of bathing in that confidence. Yeah, like, people want to know what I do, and I do it, and I don't feel bad about it. Yeah. And they just, that is interesting to watch. It's sort of like watching Michael Jordan play basketball, but for people that aren't doing something. Yes. Is that what you're saying?

I guess, yeah, yeah. Like, your life, you don't have to always, I mean, the meaning or purpose is, well, I don't know. I think they do have meaning and purpose, but it's just maybe not your regular, well, it's not the thing that's going to go down in the history books that you got a nice dress and you are always, like, really good with your eyeliner. Maybe it would, though. I don't know. A lot of things.

So maybe the comparison is, like, there's a guy who's played pickup basketball his entire life, but, you know, he married his high school sweetheart and they had to settle down and he never got to play pro ball he watches michael jordan and then just kind of a shrill unpleasant woman watches the kardashians and gets that same feeling of she's like i don't i also i also don't do anything. Sure. Why am I not? Maybe if I had the gift of not doing anything, I could be standing on top of the not doing anything keep like the Kardashians are. But are they? I don't know exactly.

I mean, I know they're having relationships and babies and shopping, and they do run a business in Miami. I think in Los Angeles. No, New York. Two of them have recently taken Miami. Oh, did they? Yes, they have. I thought they were taking New York.

No, well, they've already... By military coup. Yes, right. That's next. They've assassinated Michael Bloomberg. Sure. Or I guess to take over Miami, you would have to kill George Bush's little brother,

right? Jeb? Jeb Bush? Yeah, I don't think he's the governor of Florida anymore. Yeah, but I mean, he's the one you have to displace. He's like the figurehead. Well, there's no doubt. He's like the queen. There's no doubt that that is the family, that is the

those are the people that you have to push out of the way yeah the bush clan sure um if you want to speak dynastically i do okay i always do jordan always wants to speak dynastically i've been actually been watching reality television lately i know that i have um i have often spoken against reality television which generally does not hold much interest for me. But I have watched now at this point every episode of the television show American Pickers. I don't know what this is. I have seen that.

Okay. This is a show where these two antique stealers. A short one who's kind of scrappy and then a tall, noodley one. Yeah, exactly. Who's kind of handsome. Go through rural America and pick through

people's barns. Now, they try and make it seem like these people are just people who happen to have a lot of stuff. These are antiques dealers. These are also antiques dealers. But they're antiques dealers slash hoarders. So they have huge volumes of crap. Yeah, they never want to give it away.

They're like, well, I don't know. That's the third warehouse and the fourth row back. There are a lot of really strange things about this show. One of the things about the show is that they try and present antiques dealers, who are clearly antiques dealers, as just regular people that they happen to drive up to their house. So that's one thing. They do occasionally. Occasionally it is a genuine non-dealer hoarder.

But typically it's just someone who is a dealer. Like, they buy stuff at auctions. So are the hoarders in this show and the hoarders from Hoarders? No. These aren't sad. Well, some of them are sad. They just happen to be wealthy or have good taste? It's like somebody left a shed for 50 years and nobody's looked in it.

That kind of thing. Whereas Hoarders, like, oh, no, I kept the wrappers from everything. Yeah. Or like I've got newspapers, stacks of newspaper lining my walls. Like these are people who live in rural places and have outbuildings that don't have purposes anymore because they're not actually working farms or whatever. And they go to auctions every weekend. And they don't have slaves. And they buy collectibles at auctions,

and then they have too much stuff. Or they're just dealers, which is the majority of these people. So one thing is that it's weird that they try and play it off like most of these people aren't dealers. And I know what antiques dealers are like, and they're like these people that have all this stuff in their things. Another thing is, I guess it just never occurred to me, these people are not rich people that they're buying and selling from,

but they will have eight huge barns. It's just amazing to me that there are places in America where someone who isn't rich can have eight huge barns. Sure. Those cost just like a buck. Yeah, you just go down to the Home Depot, get a giant barn for $20 and put it up in your excess property.

Maria, do you have a reality television program that you follow? I enjoy many of them. I prefer to call them documentaries. I do like Intervention. I do. Yeah, I've watched a few Interventions on the Netflix. There's a lot of fun to be had.

I watched one and it terrified me. Really? Oh, I enjoyed it so much. It really upset me. I want to see the one where I wouldn't mind if somebody gave me an intervention right now. Just like take me to wherever you want me to go. I want to go to Desert Palm Beach or whatever and take 30 days out, just clean up. I don't know what I need to get clean from, but take me away.

Just a colon cleanser, whatever. I need an intervention from the fact that I never take a nice vacation. Something that I've noticed on the American Pickers that perplexes me is this is not a it's not a particularly narrative show um and it's not you know it's not that emotionally you don't get that much they try and give stakes to things by making up challenges for themselves and stuff like that but generally it's just a show about some people and it just shows some pictures of the stuff they got. But one weird thing about this show is I can't tell whether the people who make the show think it's funny or not. I think maybe they do. It's definitely not.

And I say this as I genuinely enjoy watching this show. It's definitely not funny. But one weird thing is just randomly there will be a comedy sound effect. Like just every. Like a boy-o-yo-yo-yo. Yeah, like every 15 minutes there's like a boy-o-yo-ing or a fart or a. You know, like it's really like I feel like I'm watching a B movie trailer in 1987. I don't understand what.

Do they just have one guy that edits all reality shows and he just figures well, we just throw in the sounds, right? Yeah, and he's in the pocket of the boing-oing lobby. I mean, what is it for? That boing-oing gets a pretty hefty fee every time they play that. But they do...

I have friends who worked on reality shows and he just added and added. It's just like tons of reams of, and then you just splooge it all together. I remember when Steve Agee was on The Sound of Young America, he was talking about his career in reality television that came before he was a comedian. Oh, I didn't know about that. And before he was on the Sarah Silverman program and so forth. And he had some jobs that involved like tape logging and editing and stuff. I did tape logging.

Really? Yes. What did you log tape on? I did for the History Channel, actually. But it was just long, just nothing. Yeah, you just have to say what's happening over hours. This is like you watch the raw tape from reality shows and then write down what's happening and point out what's interesting.

As it's happening, yeah write down what's happening and point out what's interesting as it's happening so that a person who's getting paid a reasonable wage doesn't have to sit there and watch all the raw tape of the interview or whatever. So you get paid probably $10 an hour maybe to do. Did you have a boyoing button? No, I had no

power over what sounds would be put in. Could you suggest it in the margins maybe? No. Well, I never even thought of that, like how I was never empowered. That's the key to reality television success is the boy-o-yoing, the judicious application of boy-o-yoings.

Sure. I like any reality show where somebody comes in and bosses somebody around. Listen, I think I know what you need. You asked me to come in here, and I'm bossy, bossy, boss, boss, boss, boss, boss, boss, boss. I remember there was this British nanny show a while back. Oh, that's still on Super Nanny? Yeah.

Yes. I remember being a little bit attracted to Super Nanny, more than you were supposed to be. Is Super Nanny good looking? She's very beautiful very beautiful well she's very beautiful in a very yes she's i don't know because she's also has a wonderful uniform on like a a wonderful suit and then she's also um very good at being a disciplinarian but in a kind loving job you feel very safe is it like a mary poppins type outfit that she wears? No, it's like a stewardess. Yeah, that's a good way to put it, like a 1960s stewardess.

Yeah, and the thing is she'll come to these chaotic families where you're just like, oh, my God, these people are, you know, everything's going to hell. And then she comes in and she's not afraid of it, and then she makes a schedule for everyone. And, yeah, I mean I can understand why you would have an obsession with her. I just, yeah, maybe I would need someone to make a schedule for me. It'd just be lovely. Because right now I'm just running around, no schedule.

Yeah, tell me when to eat lunch. That's right. I made one of those schedules for myself because I was, I made a big one like she makes. She makes it for the whole family. You get up, you have lunch, then you have a play time. You typically have breakfast first, right?

Did your schedule just start at 12.15? It did. From 9 a.m. to 12.15, free time. And then the regimented Stuff starts Yeah I mean I do like I would love to have somebody to come in and like You know Susie Orman me or Who's the other chef

The chef who comes in Gordon Ramsey Just have him come in and just go I've watched a little Gordon Ramsey On my mom's BBC America I only like the television shows My mom when I come in and just go. I've watched a little Gordon Ramsay on my mom's BBC America. I only like the television shows. My mom, when I was a kid, never had cable and basically never watched television. I mean, I guess we used to watch nature when I was little, but really just had no interest in television.

Like, didn't want to, like, I would want to watch news radio or Seinfeld or something that I loved when I was 14 and just had no interest in it at all. Was she against it on some level? No. That was what was weird about it. Not against it at all. But no interest in it at all. And we never had cable. And because we lived in the city, it was tough to get reception.

So you really had to like want to watch something to watch something at my mom's house. And then I went away to college and my mom is a college professor. So she reads just astonishing volumes of volumes. Like she reads, you know, these giant, really intense philosophy books and stuff. And I went away to college. Two years later, she got DirecTV. she reads, you know, these giant, really intense philosophy books and stuff. And, um, I went away to college. Two years later,

she got direct TV. And now all she wants to talk about is, um, she just wants to talk about, uh, the mess in the dress or whatever. Oh, no,

say yes to the dress. Say yes to the dress. The mess in the dress. That's what. That is actually, that's a good title for it. Or What Not to Wear. She loves What Not to Wear, too.

She loves to watch What Not to Wear. And it is like. Skim the profile. It's like there's a whole. You create interest. You skim the profile. Pointed toe. Ladies.

Light lip color. I know all the damn things, but I won't do them. It's just good to know. But the thing is, I wish they would do an opposite where they took somebody, like in those pictures where they have somebody's fan.

Where they took somebody that really had their shit together and just kind of just fucked with their head for a while until their life was falling apart. Or like somebody who's skinny and then they gain to it.

That's going to be, I feel like that's... And they show them with a pair of little's skinny and then they gain 20 that's gonna be i feel like with a pair of little pants that's our that's then they like applaud them for gaining the weight they're like you did it that's our pitch it's called down a peg or just like change is good just like whatever kind of change it's awesome it's just when when uh when we had the we talked about this on j, Jesse, Go! But when me and Adam went in and had some meetings with some TV people about making a TV show of Put This On, they were really insistent that it had to have transformation. Yeah, people loved – I do. I am addicted to seeing transformation.

But I wonder if it would work both ways, if I could see like a clean house slowly be filled with hoarding oh yeah you know would that be just as satisfying just they have a they have like a so the clean house to hoarder would have a guy with frosted tips kind of young good-looking guy that the moms could like and he'd just be uh directing a forkl. He's like, all right, bring in the bird magazines. Or like maybe you watch somebody. They seem fine. I mean, it would be hard to produce. You'd have to find somebody.

And then you watch as a tragic event happens. Like, you know, they. The death of a child. The death of a child. Or, you know, somebody kills themselves. And then they start slowly taking in rabbits. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'd like to see Jordan's version with the frosted tip guy have an expose that they did a second-rate job of hoarding up the house. Like, there were those kind of, like, these aren't even real books that are lining every square foot of wall.

These are those decorator books that are on the bookshelves at Ikea. Oh, it's a facade of hordes. Yeah. Hoarding facades. But really, the stacks of fake books are like compartments to store useful things. Like it's actually, like, oh no, you're really organized.

Like all my tax receipts are in these fake books. I do like down a peg is the concept for a show. Every week there's a new person and I think the catchphrase could be you're in my sights. I'm going to take you down a peg. That would be nice. And the person was kind of signed up for it.

Like I'm really, you know, I'm almost too regimented, too perfect. Maybe it could be something where people's less successful brothers and sisters nominate them to be on the show. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because they always do that. They humiliate people.

They take them to a public place and go, we've all told everybody that you look terrible. Yeah, and the tagline could be dot, dot, dot, and you'll like it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective.

You guys, I, okay, I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. You guys, I... Okay, I'm Maria. The happy ham. Yeah. Oh, good. Maria Bamford. The happy ham. She runs the show.

Doodly-doo. I have some important news. Please. I accidentally super-glued some paper towel to my finger. Oh, that's funny. I really don't think it's ever going to come off. Wow. What were you gluing paper towels to?

Okay, so essentially what happened is the other day I was cutting some stale bread into chunks to make croutons with it. I'm going to cook it up in a little grease on the stove and make some nice bread into chunks to make croutons with it. Sure. I'm going to, you know, cook it up in a little grease on the stove and make some nice croutons for a salad. Seems totally reasonable.

But it was pretty hard. And I was using a bread knife and it slipped and I cut sort of my hand, my fingertips were pointing downward and I managed to cut into my fingernail downward and cut like a half moon into my fingernail. That's really a half moon into my fingernail. That's really gross. I apologize to anybody who's flipping out right now. But the actual wound wasn't that bad, but I did cut through my fingernail. And so I had this fingernail on my finger that had this huge half moon gash in it

that I didn't want to uh that i didn't want like my fingernail to fall off or whatever okay so once the the the cut underneath was not that bad at all and um so once that sort of got under control i would super glued my fingernail um which worked great well you super glued youred your fingernail into the nail bed? No, no, to itself. I put some superglue over the top of it, sort of like you would if you were... That seems incorrect.

But here's the thing. Superglue is actually... Superglue is actually... You can use it to dress wounds. I didn't know that. Yeah, you can use it in place of sutures. Oh, my God. That's wonderful. Yeah, it's like totally sterile of sutures. Oh, my God. That's wonderful.

Yeah, it's like totally sterile. How about Gorilla Glue? It's totally just any kind of epoxy. Rubber cement. Rubber cement is perfect. If you get a third degree burn, just dunk it in some rubber cement. That kind that you use to glue pipes together that comes in two different tubes that mix together and then make a poisonous gas. That's perfect for this purpose.

How did you learn that, that super glue you can use to suture? I don't know. I just learned it at some point. And then I was like, is this actually true? And I looked it up on the internet and it did say that it was true. I'm not recommending that anybody do this because it seems wrong. It's worked out fine for me, but it does seem wrong. But apparently,

it was even when it was first invented, it was tested as a substitute for sutures, especially in battlefields and stuff. And the only reason they didn't use it is... Man versus crouton? Yeah, exactly. It's very difficult to manage and not accidentally glue yourself to yourself.

Jesse, are you afraid because you're such a big advocate of using super glue on your skin, there's going to be some irresponsible guys out there who are going to want to put a little dab in their pee hole to see how far they can shoot it out? Are you concerned about that? I've been concerned about that in the past. I mean, there have been sleepless nights, yes. Because when you're on record as one of the top supporters of putting superglue on your skin, for

both health and for sexual pleasure, then that is a concern that's going to come up. But the reality is that if you do that, only good things can come of it. Well, it's about freedom. It's independence. It is.

And each person can choose for themselves. Just because you advocated, each person... Somebody's seen The Adjustment Hero. I haven't. Is it any good? I saw it. It's a nice movie. It's a little cheesy at the end.

You might groan a nice movie. It's a little cheesy at the end. You kind of, you might groan a little bit. Okay. Unless you're someone who's really, really swept away by romance. I do love romance. Well, then maybe you will not groan as loudly as I did. How would you compare it to There's a Mess in Your Dress?

I would say that they are completely different things and hard to compare other than the fact that they're both filmed media. Was there any boy oi oings? They could be changed the adjustment bureau is a lot like save us in the dress

because they always have problems with tailoring. Oh yeah they do. Sure and yeah I guess they're both about adjusting one's life. This is your dress. You ordered it. This is the dress she ordered. Let's look at the number.

Let's look at the number, Julie. And then they go, and then they're, You ordered it too. This is an eight. This is terrible. And then the families come in and try to make decisions, and that's horrible. Is the show about picking out wedding dresses?

Yes, that's all the show show is and yet it is endlessly entertaining because part of it is because the family dynamics of whatever's going on but part of it's like who gives a shit like half the show is just like i can't believe these jackasses care about this. It's like $10,000. I mean, anything more than $100 on a dress. That's ridiculous. And, you know, it's like I see the appeal of shows like this, and that kind of makes me wish that the Kardashians were more awful, but they're not really.

I wish they behaved like the messes in the dresses well these are perfectly nice girls who are and late and older women who are getting married for the first second third time and um they're but it's how important it is to have like this dress that they really feel on this one day that it's gonna important. It's like when 50% of people get divorced and or especially when they're married so young. Anyways, I'm sort of negative. It's funny, like the defining marriage in my life before my own marriage

was the marriage of my father and stepmother, which was when I was like, I don't know, eight or nine, something like that. marriage of my father and stepmother, which was when I was like, I don't know, eight or nine, something like that. And my stepmother is just, she's just a resolute anarchist, just really doesn't believe in anything. She's an awesome, really great lady. I love her and everything.

really great lady um i i love her and everything um but she really like she does not she's no interest in ceremonies wore like a polka dot dress um and they like a party dress like basically a cocktail dress um and uh they got married in my dad's friend ed's house uh in front of my dad's friend ed's iron lung it was ed in the iron lung ed was not in's iron lung. It was Ed in the iron lung? Ed was not in the iron lung. I think Ed was in his chair. I'm going to say that Ed was on the respirator during the... on the portable respirator, the battery-powered respirator, not in the iron lung.

But if he had been in the iron lung, he could have checked them out using the mirror that was above them. So this was like one of those TV sitcom weddings where they have the wedding at the house so they don't have to build another set. Yeah. Oh, right, right. Exactly.

And the house is a hotel because that's what the family runs the business. Yeah. That was exactly the situation. It was such a weird thing. I hadn't thought about how odd. This guy, Ed, was my dad's best friend and was a famous um disability rights

activist um and there are things that i started thinking about him because there was recently a day in california declared ed roberts day and i started thinking about ed and i started remembering things because he died 10 years ago and I started remembering things that happened when I was a kid and we were hanging out at Ed's house like Ed smoking weed

in his iron lung which is pretty amazing right we could hotbox that thing the way you could slip your head inside and then fill it with marijuana smoke That is a pretty... The way you could slip your head inside and then fill it with marijuana smoke. That is a pretty amazing thing. I mean, I just... What a strange...

Anyway, that's where my parents got... That was what I imagined when it came to weddings. Well, that seems like the deepest level, you know, because you're having friends that's in something regular and it's not making... Well, did it make you uncomfortable? I just think weddings make people uncomfortable i think that what from what i understand i as we descended the stairs down into the uh entryway that was right by the living room where the um wedding was held i am told that i do not remember this at all um but i am told that I told a joke on the way down the stairs that I had recently

heard and was excited to share. Awesome. Isn't that a sweet little story? That is a good one. That's a good wedding. I've been to plenty of just big, not horrible weddings, but just go, this is a lot of money that you guys are spending to declare something and it's like i i would listen to this declaration anywhere at a bus depot you didn't

have to at a home depot yeah at a home depot yeah i mean i my wife and i went to a family wedding um excuse me about a maybe a year or so ago and it was the most intense thing. It was in a very fancy hotel in San Francisco with very fancy food, and it was just incredibly, incredibly intense. A lot of people were there. Both sides had huge families, and they were all there. Um, both, both sides had huge families and they were all there. And, um, just a lot of speeches about, about family and loyalty and little princess and that kind of thing.

And, uh, uh, six months later they got divorced. Oh my gosh. I think this, I genuinely think given that I know how much Teresa and I spent on our wedding, which was a little bit smaller and we were cutting a lot of corners financially, I would guess that they probably spent $50,000 on this wedding. Maybe even $75,000. Six months later, it was done. But they didn't spend it. Their parents did. Yeah, the parents of the bride, I think, did.

And that's another thing about the dress mess is that it's these women who are 29, 30, and their mothers are with them helping them make big decisions. And that kind of thing blows me away. I mean, I'm close with my mom, but I don't run any decision by her ever. Even when you're buying an expensive dress? No, I mean, I'm close with my mom, but I don't run any decision by her, ever. Even when you're buying an expensive dress?

No, I mean, I certainly do. I send her pictures, but I just want her to tell me I look cute. If she said don't get it, that would be a real... But yeah, it's weird that someone can be an adult and getting married. To me, that's so weird that you would involve your parents

in a decision. I don't know if I'm... I might be in a minority there but i know maybe i'm a i'm a wedding grinch because i i feel like maybe because i think if you have like a great maybe you have super close family and i have close family but we also have very rigid boundaries of i mean at least i would just my mom told me something like uh i'm not listening i'm not listening blah blah blah which that's my bridged boundary as much as immature um so but i and i've also never had the opportunity to get married so i don't think i've had but my sister when she got married it was huge i mean i think it was about 20 grand about 20 years ago yeah is your sister older or younger she's older and it genuinely, I mean, I will tell you that if you are going to have a wedding with, you know, with your whole family there, it's hard to do it for less than $20,000.

Oh. That's just how much it costs. Let me try. If you want to have 200 people there. 80 bucks. I can do it. 80 bucks. Listen, yeah, because what you do, I mean, what's a nice restaurant?

Or you just go have a big party in your backyard. You get a bouncy castle. You get some tamales. That would be a nice. That's another good reality show idea. Lowball wedding. Lowball wedding. Oh, that is great.

Where it's three wedding planners and you have a bride and a groom. Five bucks. And they say, here's what we want. And then they just lowball each other. And then when they stop, that's how much they have to do the wedding for. I do. That sounds like a great idea. And I would like, I think, I took a marriage and family class in high school.

Did you do that? I, a marriage and family class? Did you go to a religious high school? I was Catholic and then they switched over to non-denominational. The school switched? Yeah, they switched because the Catholic church ran out of money. I don't know. Wow, that's strange.

Just because God betrayed them. God doesn't live here anymore. So they had us plan a wedding, and I did a wedding under 50 bucks because all the other people were doing these huge weddings. And I'm like, all you need is a license, a dress, someplace to go on your honeymoon, I guess. I mean, if you're going to follow through on the chutzpah, but people can just come to the city hall.

That's kind of fun. You don't even have to. I mean, not that I just think it's about the relationship and the community witnessing it and that doesn't mean you have to have a billion dollars the only tricky bit is that if you want to feed people it costs a hundred dollars a person not unless you buy hot dogs well that's right i mean i we've we've we had a taco truck at our wedding. But like when you buy food, say we made you these sandwiches and uh because they could either make you sandwiches or pay a hundred dollars to have you eat and the sandwiches were horrible i mean it really fucking sucked um that we that was all we had to eat but on the

other hand you're sort of like well i can kind of understand why they didn't want to spend two hundred dollars on food for the DJ and his assistant. So you get like a food court wedding. Yeah. You know, like where everyone gets a voucher for $10 and you can get two Orange Juliuses. And an express. Hot dog on a

stick. You can get pretzels. Soft pretzels. Lowball wedding, guys. I don't know. Lowball wedding, I think that's a great idea. Because my sister, it was so stressful, that wedding. It was just so stressful. Were you in it? Were you the maid of honor?

Yeah, and you had to fancy dress and keep everything together. And I just found it super stressful. We're actually approaching, in two months, I'm going to officiate a wedding for a fan of ours. Oh, exciting. And that's coming up. Have we talked about that on the show yet? I think we've mentioned that it's happening. Well, is it really happening?

Yeah, I mean, we're arranging travel and everything. Wow, have you talked to Ebeth yet? I have not talked to Ebeth. I should talk to Jordan. Jordan, come on. I know, I've been busy. One of our favorite listeners, Ebeth, is a wedding officiant. She's a non-denominational wedding officiant.

So she's got a lot of insights into the wedding officiating process. Of course, I do too because I already officiated a listener's wedding. You did? Yeah. And I was really classy and I did a great job. I think what I'm going to do, I think they want a non-denominational wedding. I'm just going to slip in a bunch of religious stuff. You're just going to drop it in there? I'm going to do, I think they want a non-denominational wedding. I'm just going to slip in a bunch of religious stuff. You're just going to drop it in there?

Yeah, just say some really outrageous maxims from each religion. And now a reading from Deuteronomy. Sure. And then the Buddhist thing. What do they have? Here's some crazy shit about shellfish. Yeah, yeah. Shellfish and homosexuals, let's begin.

Don't cut your hair and cover it up. Seeks. Sure. And now everybody line up for the stress test. I just wanted to cover everybody. Did you know Seeks carry a secret dagger? Yes, I did know that. I did know that.

Number one, I... They have it on a necklace, you know, like a symbolic dagger. Yeah, but sometimes they literally do carry an actual dagger. I mean, it depends on, you know, what they're into. But I've always kind of... There's been a part of me that's always wished I was a Sikh. You can do it. I know.

Here's the thing. I think I probably couldn't get into the religious aspect of it. I would more just want the hair and the turban and the beard. I kind of feel like every time I see a Sikh guy walking down the street, I think, fuck, he looks handsome in that Sikh stuff. You know what I mean? And they're kind of a happy people.

I mean, I don't know. I'm sure there's a version of it that's cruel and unusual. But they seem like everything's going real great. It's an ancient form of Christianity, right? No. It's totally separate from anything. They have a list of prophets that have come in the last, I don't know. Yeah, there's a new prophet.

There hasn't been a new prophet in about 50 years or something. I think they said, oh, we're going to stop with the prophets. And the other thing I know is that. Or at least slow down. Slow down. And then when you become CQ, all the men are named Sing. You get your name changed to Sing, and then all the women are named something else. I just know Sing because that's the guy who runs my liquor store.

The Copper Keg. Hazelwood in York. Visit whenever you're known. But do you know what I mean about a Sikh guy really looking handsome in the Sikh gear? And you should see their beautiful hair beneath their Sikh gear if they wash it.

One of the guys is not very good at it. He doesn't seem very cleanly. It sounds like you have taken the time to chat up the guy who works at your liquor store. Yes. Hello. Dog, goodbye. Yeah, I can say that.

Wait, you can say hello, dog, goodbye? Yeah, I know. That's not very helpful. I can say shukri. I say shukri, say thank you. That's all I know. But's not very helpful. I could say shukri. I say shukri. I say thank you. That's all I know. Okay. But he sells me overpriced freezer-burned Haagen-Dazs for a dollar. Oh.

That's pretty good. Where else am I going to get that? Except at the liquor store right across the street that's virtually identical. Sure. But he knows. You don't have the comfort in knowing that it's being sold to you by a man with a secret dagger. Yeah, yeah, that's true. That's true.

That's like a peace of mind thing. He could shiv somebody if he needed to. Symbolically. It's very nice. Yeah, no, he's taught me some. That's Punjab. I don't know what. I don't know.

I don't know if all Sikhs speak Punjab. Yeah, I don't know if that's true. Or just Punjabis speak Punjab. Many of them are Sikhs. Yeah, perhaps. Jordan? Yes. Yes.

I agree with all of this. I'm sorry. I agree with everything. Jordan, I don't mean to speak too soon, but it looks like you've got a mess in your dress. It's true. I did make a mess of my dress while we've been sitting here. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Maria Bamford. Milk. Great. Yeah. Great. Bamford's bringing it. Sure. You came to play. I just Yeah. Great. Bamford's bringing it.

Sure. You came to play. I just wanted to add. You need a nickname? Go to the Bammer. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

How about the Bamboofler? Bamboofler. I like it. We've got a couple more segments. Yeah. We're going to have some more segments, Maria. So keep this under your hat for now. Holster those guns.

Jordan, this is our second Max Fund Drive episode of Jordan, Jesse, go. Tis. Our goal in the Max Fund Drive is to have 1,200 new donors during the two weeks of the Max Fund Drive. donors during the two weeks of the Max Fund Drive. As we record this, which is on Tuesday, we've just broken half of that number. We're up over 600. We're coming up on 700, as I recall. Very proud of all of the people who have donated.

Big thanks to all of the people who have donated out there. Jordan, Jesse, go. Leading the way. Leading the way leading the way jordan ahead of the sound of young america i had a judge john hodgman ahead of my brother my brother and me i had to stop podcasting yourself you know what the x factor is what's that fucking this guy i'm pointing to myself none of those other shows have me coincidence no yeah that's a good point i'm to be fair none of them have mariaford. No, that's true. I'm sorry I was so boastful. No, no, no.

No, I mean, I just support you completely. I mean, not financial at all, but... In no way financial. Let's be clear. But moral support. Moral support. I mean, I'd like to, yeah, a challenge grant that, you know, for the next five listeners. Next five listeners.

Email in. I'll give 50 bucks. Do you give 50 bucks for five listeners? Yeah. Is that reasonable? Yeah. That's great. Sure.

Okay. There's been a lot of interest, Jordan, by the way, in signed 8x10s of Jordan Morris. Oh, I got them in the car, by the way. Let me know. Okay. I'm offering signed 8x10s for people who pledge. Excellent. If they want them.

That's great. I offered them last year. No one asked for them. There has been some definite interest. There's been some confusion as to how you should get one. I'm going to suggest this as a method of getting them. get one uh i'm going to suggest this is a method of getting them once you donate um email lindsay at maximumfund.org with your name and address and your request and uh we'll we'll get them all together when we're sending out the things and uh uh send them out so if you want an eight by ten

of jordan there are other things that you can get if you donate to support maximumfund.org that are but i mean granted you're the x factor sure can you get a tote absolutely you can get if you donate to supportmaximumfund.org. Yeah, but... I mean, granted, you're the X Factor. Sure. Can you get a tote? Absolutely. You can get a tote. This is the first year we have ever offered a tote. I heard your wife tried them all out, all the different types of totes, sizes.

She looked through every tote, different handles. She had measuring tapes out. She was measuring this. We ended up with EcoTotes brand totes. There's a Jordan Jesse Go Tote, and there's a tote for every podcast in the MaximumFun.org community. Yeah. Judge John Hodgman's a little upset that

his tote doesn't have a mustache on it. Does have a representation of his face, but no mustache. Does he have a mustache now? He has grown a mustache. Oh, I didn't know that. We have had to agree to allow people to draw in a mustache in? He has grown a mustache. Oh, I didn't know that. We have had to agree to allow people to draw in a mustache in order to placate Judge John Hodgman. I'd like to put a

challenge grant that I will grow a mustache if five people grow a mustache. You get the tote bag at the $10 a month level, which is the friend of the family level. There's this other speaking of Judge John Hodgman, the level the $10 a month level, which is the friend of the family level. There's this other speaking of Judge John Hodgman, the the level a $20 a month, you get that plus you get this

cool USB drive that is made out of wood and has hand selected episodes of all of the your favorite Maximum Fun podcasts. But there's this $35 a month level, which is called Judge John Hodgman's Post-Apocalyptic Justice Squad level, that is basically the greatest pledge drive gift that anyone has ever created. It is truly spectacular. Is it? This is what it is.

A big mug? Like for soup. Yeah. Like, I mean, a big mug. Yeah, like... I think we all know... Hard to store big. Like, where do you put that thing? It doesn't fit in the cupboard.

We all know that because of the Mayans or something, the world is going to end in 2012. Certainly. Which is just around the corner. It's actually because of John Cusack. Oh, excuse me. John Cusack. And you're going to need stuff to handle yourself in the post-apocalyptic wasteland.

Yes. So we have some equipment in the kit, in addition to the USB drive, which will be valuable since it's made of wood for starting fires, and the tote bag, which will still be useful for toting. You get this Eton hand crank radio. How else are you going to pick up the bodies? Yeah, exactly. This Eton hand crank radio.

To the mass grave. The radio has a hand crank and a solar panel. And it has a weather channel on there so you can check out what the weather is. Hint, dust tornadoes. And it also has a USB plug so you can crank it up to put power into it You can check out what the weather is. Hint, dust tornadoes. And it also has a USB plug so you can crank it up to put power into it and then plug your phone into it if you need to use your phone. Of course, there won't be any cell towers. There won't be anyone to call.

But Jordan will need – On your calling plan. Jordan will need a way to – Can you hear me now? You can't. You're dead. Jordan will need a way to power up his Nintendo DS. Sure. There's reasons to have, even in the post-apocalyptic world.

You get this credit card-sized survival tool that is made of steel. How much do I get to get that? This is the $35 a month level. Okay, I'd like to make a challenge grant. Okay, what's the challenge? If we get 10 callers in who give the $35 challenge grant, I'll give $35. That's a great challenge. I mean, you're unsafe territory because this show

is not going out live. Okay. But it's unlikely that anyone will call in. No, okay. What could I challenge that might happen? Oh, I liked that other challenge. Oh, yeah, five people and then I'll give $50. Okay, I can do it. I think that's a great challenge. Oh, yeah. Five people and then I'll get 50 bucks.

Okay, okay. I can do it. Yeah. I think that's a great challenge. Maximumfund.org slash donate. This thing has, oh, it's got Tang, astronaut ice cream, white athletic tape in case a jock steps on your glasses, a 20-sided die in case you need to play Dungeons and Dragons after the apocalypse. That's the only thing you're going to want to do.

Yeah. But you'll be living it, so you're not going to want to play it. I think... Well, it depends what kind of apocalypse it is. If it opens a gateway to hell, then you're going to have to fight a lot of orcs. There's no doubt about that.

Beholders. But what if space comes rushing in and we have to fight aliens? There's no aliens in Dungeons & Dragons. Isn't a lot of Dungeons & Dragons just drawing your character? I think so. That and graph paper. You know, I honestly don't understand how to play Dungeons & Dragons.

Some people have tried to explain. I can't picture what a game would look like in my head. It's a group of people and then one guy is just describing stuff. It's sort of like, what's that video game called? Zork? Yeah. Is that what it's called? Return to Zork?

Sure. It's sort of like that, only with a guy. It's a text-based PC game. And the guy, he's in charge of acting the whole thing out. Or a lady. Or a lady. A princess. We're talking about dungeons and dragons though

yeah jackie keisha plays some dnd there you go jackie keisha's not afraid to play the shows the dork forest podcast she's got level seven plus armor sure and plus four charisma if you ask me sure the delightful jackie keisha um anyway here's the deal deal Everything that we do at MaximumFun.org is supported by people who listen to the shows and, you know, there are thousands of people who care enough about our shows to send us a little money every month It's really, there are levels that anyone can afford

It's not just for rich people with a lot of disposable income We're as grateful if you are sending us $2 a month as if you are sending us $200 a month. And is it not the truest form of democracy that every person is given the freedom to give as much as they can, as much as they will, to form the type of, and this isn't a government, but I mean, it could certainly be. You do have a way about you that suggests an authoritarian... Yeah, no, I mean, I'm trying to build a better future for our society. Something

that is more dedicated to the principles of our forefathers and the homeland that's more capable of defending ourselves. I'd like to have a royal guard of some kind with velvet hats. Kind of a paramilitary shock troop. Exactly. And the special martial arts skills where they can do that thing where they just take two fingers and they just put it in your sternum and you die.

Could that be a new thing at the Maximum Fun Con to do like a paramilitary kill training? Oh, yeah, sure. kill training oh yeah sure yeah one shot one kill rotc for we'd have to probably start the first year we just have to do that thing you get a rifle with a bayonet and then there's a person that's made out of straw and you just scream and stab the person over and over and over until you're not afraid to kill oh my god that sounds until you can drive yourself into a killing frenzy oh it's terrifying i thought we were gonna do something where a guy dresses up in a bunch of balloons and then women go at him and go and he says things that are kind of sleazy and then you keep that would be fun. He says stuff like, hey, baby, would you?

And you say, my body is a temple. Yeah. Yeah, you take a stance and say, I am not interested. Yeah. Did you see the King of the Hill where Bobby goes into the class and then he's in the women's self-defense class and he yells, that's my purse. I don't know you.

Yes. That was one of my favorite things that's ever happened on television. Very good thing. You know, my wife Teresa took one of those classes and then had to do the thing on somebody. When she was living in Cuba, she had to jam someone's nose into their brain or something. I can't remember exactly what moves she had to do to somebody, but she had to disable someone who was persistently hitting her and trying to grab at her. Grab at her. Wow.

She had to take him out, and she totally did. That's awesome. Isn't that awesome? Isn't my wife awesome? That is awesome. She is awesome. I mean, I knew that she was awesome before him, but now I have a deeper respect for her. And a little bit of fear.

Little fear. Some fear. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is if you don't go to MaximumFun.org slash donate, my wife does know how to jam your nose bone into your brain cavity. Great. MaximumFun.org slash donate. Again, levels for any ability to pay. What's really important is that if you like this show and you like the other shows that we make at MaximumFun.org, which I think you do because you're listening right now,

that you support the show. Even a little bit makes a big difference. You know, it's just a couple of bucks a month. It's an amount of money that you don't even notice disappearing from your bank account. But what you do notice is that every time you listen to our show, you think, hey, I paid for that and you feel good about it. Yeah. Anyway, MaximumFun.org slash donate. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, Maria Bamford, cheese burglar.

Yeah. I think I know your brother. He does not like cheese that much. Oh, man. I made some cheeseburgers the America's Test Kitchen way. kitchen way oh goodness gracious they were tasty what's america's test kitchen uh this is a television program on the pbs network uh that is built around the empire of uh the magazine cooks illustrated i don't know if you've ever seen this thing oh this is a great magazine and they got these great oh it's so great um they're

basically their deal is they just try and make a pretty regular thing. Like, it's not really crazy, wild, interesting things. It's like meatloaf or something. They're not making a carrot into a foam. No, no. And they write a little article. They say, this is what we thought a meatloaf should be like. And then they just say, we tried it these 12 trillion different ways uh until

we got one that was easy and tasted great and they're always good every recipe is so fucking good and the cheeseburgers they were like um they were supposed to be kind of like uh like old school fast food cheeseburgers sort of like a shake shack type of situation. Oh, God, they were so tasty. Oh, my God, they were good. I want to expand on our theme of reality television. I had never watched an episode of Top Chef before, but I watched it. It was part of the in-flight entertainment on a plane I was on recently.

And I really liked it, but I think I just have a fantasy about being uh a famous chef who has tattoo sleeves i think that's just like maybe a kind of guy i would want to be there's no reason you can't do that yeah he's my michael jordan kardashian like a guy with tattoo sleeves jordan what is like a misfit shirt but he. What if you try and be that and then you accidentally become Guy Fieri? Oof, that'd be tough. That would be a bad situation. That's not what I want to happen.

Do you like to cook? I kind of enjoy to cook, yeah. I do. No, it's nice. I do like to. What do you cook? Oh, you know, I'll cook a piece of meat. Jordan had a fry daddy when we were in college.

I did have a fry daddy. He would make a fried chicken in there. Yeah, make like a stir fry. He could make a fried chicken? Yeah, I do know how to fry a chicken. Well, that's great. Jordan, let's take some momentous occasion calls, shall we?

Sure. When something momentous happens to our listeners, we ask that they give us a call at 206-9844-FUN to share it with us. Here's the situation. Just to give us a call at 206-9844-FUN to share it with us. Here's the situation. Just to give you a recap.

Our intern, Lindsay, screens the calls. She's a great young woman, but I had to threaten to fire her a think that I should fire her because people were worried that I might actually fire her. I was worried. Just hearing it now, I got worried. Now, she knew that I wasn't actually going to fire her. I want to make that much clearer. She sits here three days a week working at this desk right over to my left. She sits in the very chair that you're sitting in right now, Maria. She knows what kind of guy I am.

She knows I'm not just going to start firing people. But in this economy... That's true. In this economy, I can't afford to have unpaid employees. Anyway, we'll see which... So just to bring it back, I guess,

it depends... Where we're at depends on how you feel about Lindsay, the intern. I feel good about it. If you're worried that she might actually get fired, then don't worry. Nothing is wrong. There's no, nothing is in jeopardy. If you understand that the whole thing is kind of a goof, then she's right on the edge

of getting fired at any moment. I've never met her, but she seems like a real dipshit. Hello, Jordan and Jesse and whoever the hilarious and probably very handsome person is in this studio. I just had a moment of occasion. I'm on the highway driving to work and I just got cut off by a minivan that has three car seats in it

and it's covered in Jesus bumper stickers. None of this is really that particularly noteworthy. There is one small bumper sticker on the bottom left corner of the van that is a camouflage sticker, and it says marijuana. It ain't fucking crack. I don't know what that means, but I certainly almost chose off the road laughing. Also, the cognitive

difference almost made my head explode. Thanks. Love the show. Bye. We do get a lot of I saw a funny sticker calls. Yeah. I think those... Now, I do like the idea that maybe this family, this religious family,

bought it from a stoner and just couldn't get the sticker off. My dad did drive a pickup truck for several years that had a bumper sticker on it that said, warning, this vehicle contains an outrageous older woman. Oh, wow. Oh, that's so sweet. It is definitely funny when you see, you know, like... He's a good guy. It is funny, like, when you see a middle-aged guy in, like, a Volkswagen Jetta with, like, a, you know, zero to bitch in 65 seconds.

And it's like, oh, you're driving your daughter's car or your wife's car or something. Or your own car, and maybe that's what you feel like. Yeah, no, sure. Zero to bitch. wife's car or something so or your own car and maybe that's what you yeah no sure zero to a bit the thing the thing that i think is funny is when there's a car that has a vanity license plate and the vanity license plate is something that's really specifically like it's like daddy's little princess or like you know something about um something about being like a spoiled bitch or like yield to the queen yield to the queen in my uh building there's some there's a yield to

the princess license plate frame and i park behind her pretty regularly i have yet to see the princess get into her car yeah it's like it says it says like yield to the princess and then the license plate is like too bitchy or something like that. I really do enjoy it when I see something like that and then there's just a dad driving it. Yeah, that is a lot of fun. It's like a purple Corolla and there's just a dad driving the vehicle. Anyway, let's go back to the telephone calls here. Okay.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Go. This is Dimitri, and I wanted to call it a momentous occasion. On Sunday night, I was flying into D.C., and there was a big storm, and I was sort of in and out of sleep, and the plane jolted

really hard, and the pilot came on to say, hey, by the way, that is something unusual. The plane was just hit by lightning. And that was somewhat momentous. And then I looked down at my phone to see what time it was, and it was exactly midnight. And then February 28th, I realized, wow, someone really wants to remind me that Max Fund Drive has started.

So as soon as I got off the plane, I got home, I made my friend of the family donation. So if people don't want to get hit by lightning, I think that's the best move. See, that's a good call. That's a really solid call. The guy's got a good stage presence. He's clear, he's coherent. He got hit by lightning in an airplane. He's got a real point of view.

Jesse, have you been using the donation money for a weather changer? Do you have some sort of supervillain weather machine now? Seems like a bad investment. I've been working for the Chinese government for a long time, so I have access to the weather-changing machine. I just have only recently started using it. To fire lightning at random planes. Yeah, well, partly just because it's hard to get diesel.

You know, the gas station by my house only has just regular unleaded and premium unleaded. It's just hard to get to the diesel station. You've got to fill up the tanks and then take it over to the weather-changer machine. So it's like a whole thing, a whole rigmarole that I don't want to get involved in. But, yeah, I am a Chinese spy. I do have a weather-changing machine that shoots lightning bolts at airplanes. Were you supposed to say that? Nobody listens to this.

Oh, yeah. Chinese, anyway. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Go. It's Lex from Wenatchee, Washington. I am officially becoming a non-freeloader. I am donating $2 a month, but I'm poor, so that's all I can afford.

I hope it helps. Bye. This is a momentous occasion, by the way. Man, Lex sounds like a pretty cool dude. That is a momentous occasion. It's nice to feel like you can belong i hate it when it's like oh it's like a country club membership and then yeah it's like because do do your giving levels are they you know levels of more and more grandiose terminology yes i mean the terminology? Yes. I mean, the $100 a month level is Jesse's Golden

Eagles. And Jordan, I don't know if you want to tell them. My level is that $200 a month is Jordan's Platinum Angels. Okay. Why doesn't it go the other way? What about the $2? Because isn't it... That's an esteemed donor.

It's an esteemed donor. Because the thing is, isn't it true that the biblical thing that the lady who gives the one thing, the last dime that she has to the baby Jesus, like she's giving more than the rich man and the eye of the needle? I don't know the stories. No, that's a story. And then they chop the baby Jesus in half, right? Sure. And then finally, seven-headed dragon. They anoint something with oils.

Rich dad, poor dad. Yeah, rich dad, poor dad. Who moved my cheese? Hey, I want to thank Josh from Caffeinated Toothpaste, who was kind enough. He was a sponsor on the show a couple weeks ago. He was kind enough to send us copies of his first book of his web comic and he even included one that he signed to the guests so our our thanks to josh for doing that um we also have we have a message this week it is a birthday message uh the birthday was on

leap day uh february 29th here's the. I'm supposed to read this verbatim. Happy seven and three quarters birthday to Doug Duggerdue Copenhaver. Love, Don. I scored 15 points against Purdue Copenhaver. Mel, stanky leg Copenhaver. Jesse, flat screen Copenhaver. And Jeff, Mary Lou Retton all-star baby Copenhaver. Copenhaver. And Jeff, Mary Lou Retton all-star baby Copenhaver. Copenhaver.

Money well spent, guy. Hey, we're doing a live show that people should not miss. It is on Sunday night, March 13th at 7 p.m. Pacific, 10 p.m. Eastern. We're going to have special guests, including but not limited to big-time Gene O'Neill. It's going to be a blast. We're going to be live streaming on the internet with video and audio and the whole nine yards are there going to be surprises or there's going to be big time surprises there's going to be plenty of surprises

there's going to be hijinks we're giving away an xbox 360 thanks to a certain friend in Redmond, Washington. We're going to be giving away some copies of Gears of War also. Sure. But I'm excited to give away that Xbox 360. It's going to be fun. Does anyone make video game related accessories? Yeah, sure. Can you donate to MaxFunCon?

Oh, yeah. Let's get some accessories in here. Hey, if anybody's making Street Fighter fight sticks. Maybe a force feedback wheel? Sure. Is that something? Yeah, I guess. How about like a baseball bat with a sensor in it?

Oh, how about one of those baseballs where it has a radar gun built inside of it and it tells you how fast your pitch was? That's not for video games, though. It's like a video game. It's electronic. You're right. It's electronic. You know what Jackie Kayation would like? She would like to have a little thing that you can put into the soil that has a camera

and then a light on it so she can see how fast her potatoes are growing. Oh, that is cool. It clocks it in. Yeah. What kind of units do you measure potato speed in? Not miles per hour. Well, you can just watch it and see what's going on in there. You know, because that's the thing.

She keeps wanting to pull them up. No. They're not ready. Yeah, I just got to let them be, but I want to watch them. Yeah. Plus, if you're really into jacking off to worms and stuff. What? Like worms and stuff.

They're always, you know. Is that a sex? You know how they're super sexy? Oh, good. Yeah, I know. Because they're like slithering around. They're always, you know. Is that a set? You know how they're super sexy? Oh, good. Yeah, I know. Because they're like slithering around. They're slithering around, you know? Sure. They don't have hearts.

Yeah. They're segmented bodies. There's nothing sexy about a segmented body. There's nothing sexier than a segmented body. I mean, potato, potato. Hey, Jordan, Jessica. This is Jess in North Carolina with a momentous occasion. This week I canceled my cable completely

and I donated to Maximum Fun for the first time in my life because you guys are much funnier than Time Warner Cable. Thanks, guys. Keep up the good work. Bye. Oh, that is delightful. You know what I say? Why pay money to have them bring commercials to your house?

Sure. So true. And most of them, it is just a sales thing, especially the dress mess. Yeah. Yeah, that messy dress show. I do not care for this situation. So, yeah. I do not care for the whole thing.

It would be funny if the show was called Say Yes to My Mess. Just about pooping on someone. And it was still half an hour. When you pay your cable bill, you know where that money goes to, Jordan? It goes straight to the boy-o-oing people. That's where the money goes. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. It goes straight to boy-o-yoing people. That's where the money goes. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

It goes straight to boy-o-yoing. The boy-o-yoing fat cats are taking treasure baths while people who actually create content like the, you know, the mobile phone company working assets or Credo Mobile where it's like they give money to progressive causes? Maximumfund.org slash donate, I think. Oh. Isn't that right? Interesting. We're actually, I don't know if you've heard about this. This has been in the news lately for slightly different reasons. But I recently got a check for $5 million from a somewhat shady Muslim group. And all I had to do was go have a meeting with them and tell them about how much I hate the Tea Party.

They're the head of middle America. Yeah. The weird thing is the guy was dressed as a pimp. So I don't know what that was about. It didn't seem very Muslim to me. Were there a lot of hidden cameras around jesse sounds like you got hidden camera oh yeah they just want to sell a video of me eloquently putting down middle america sure and talking about how much i hate the tea party and

drinking a glass of chardonnay well do it it. Well, look, at least I got their $5 million. Am I right? Our money worries are over. $5 million. What would you do with $5 million? I don't know. I'd probably bomb the Midwest for one thing. Yeah.

Take out some of those racist NASCAR types. As Jackie Cation says, what will we have lost? Either way. I'd put some bombs in some New Yorkers. Yeah. What? I don't know.

Who do you hate now? Well, I was trying to think of a way to make the New Yorkers the weapon, but I guess that doesn't really make sense. They already are a weapon. A rudeness weapon. Yeah. Absolutely. A weapon of wit to rape you. Sure, sure.

They're a weapon against not funny short humor pieces. Because their humor pieces are so hilarious. They are good rants and whispers. Oh, just shouts and murmurs. Oh, God. I love it when Woody Allen says something that. About Nietzsche. About Wittgenstein.

This is Wittgenstein humor. Gets a few laughs out of Wittgenstein. They should just give that thing over to Simon Rich and Jack Handy. That's it. Yeah, right. Just Simon Rich and Jack Handy. Done. Problem solved. Oh, how about Tina Fey did a good one.

She wrote like a regular article oh that was a regular article that's right she did say something it was not a shout or a murmur she in fact has a second

regular article in the most recent New Yorker from what I understand yes it's very good I haven't read it yet the thing that I most liked about

the thing that I most liked about the first one was the part where she said that any lady in comedy that's too old for the producers to want to fuck them, they just say that she's crazy. Yeah. And I was like, man, that is a fucking badass thing to say.

Yeah. Although I was reminded of there was a crazy old comedy writer subplot on an early episode of 30 Rock where Carrie Fisher. Yeah, yeah. I know. I thought that was interesting. Cause she, yeah. So I seemed crazy or whatever.

And, um, I worked with Ann Beetz, uh, who is a comedy writing legend. I do know Ann Beetz. Um, and a nice lady.

Yes. Uh, but was almost certainly in my mind, the model for the Carrie Fisher character. She genuinely is a nice lady and a comedy writing legend. But yeah, that character definitely based on her. Oh, that's interesting.

I don't know her very well, but I love that article. I thought it was great with Janita Tietofei. It's amazing to think that if she took time off to have a baby, like if she went on maternity leave, one of the things in the article was that if she decided to have a baby if she went on maternity leave one of the things in the article was that if she decided to have a second child

she is the boss of a show that 150 people work on that wouldn't be happening while she was gestating making a baby

what an incredible thing to have on your shoulders you know if you want to have it whether or not you want to have the baby it's like you know gee whiz what a rough i mean in addition to the making the best show that there is sure dear jesse you should book tina fey on The Sound of Young America. Oh, she's good. That is a good idea, listener who emails me once a month. Thank you very much. I had not thought of booking Tina Fey on The Sound of Young America, and that's why she hadn't been on the show. No one had suggested it.

Her people are always emailing me and saying, hey, Tina Fey doesn't have anything to do what with writing and starring in her own sitcom and also having a young child she's looking for interviews on marginal public radio programs to do sorry that was my people are always emailing me suggesting that I book Tina Fey

on the show she's the greatest genius there's no doubt about that we can all agree anyway we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Yeah, that's great.

I had dinner with Explodo. Straight explode flush i had dinner with explodo the other day by the way uh explodo kurt explodo anderson sends his regards to the max fun community yeah uh he's very he was very delighted to hear that he's become a bit of a cult figure on the podcast um he's a he's a he's a class act that that Kurt Anderson, a nice man, a funny man, a brilliant man. So all the best to you and yours from Kurt Explodo Anderson, is what I have to say about that. I think it's about time to wrap things up, huh? It's Max Fund Drive time, and the show's about to end, so now is the time to donate. Here's the thing. Don't fuck around.

The theme for this year's Max Fund Drive, TCB, Taking Care of Business. Do you have a theme song in mind? Yeah, I'm thinking about Gonna Fly Now. I like it. Does that sound like a good choice? What about Kickstart My Heart? Yeah, I might use that. I don't know. There's a lot of good choices out there yeah yeah you know maybe something i might try and think of something that

that like has lyrical resonances or something like that like if there's a song called making care of business or something that rhymes or you know making carrot business sure that's the song about shoving carrots in your butt yeah that is which is called carrot business. Sure. That's the song about shoving carrots in your butt. Yeah, that is, which is called carrot business. Yeah, that's carrot business. That's the name of that fetish. Sure. Anyway, here's the thing.

Like, you're out there. You're listening to this program. You listen every week. Support the show, man. Yeah. Do you ever feel like you want to feel loved and needed oh my god this is the call this is the person you know we need you we love you you are beloved you you know this is the warm uh cuddly arms that are coming around you in a safe way in the way that you've always

wanted to feel loved yeah not in a you're going to have to drive this nose into the brain pan. No. Is brain pan something? We're not using you. No. Maximumfun.org slash donate. I'm not going to try and stick a carrot in your butt. Maximumfun.org slash donate is the place to go.

And the time to do it is now. As you listen to this, the drive is probably pulling into the station. We have this goal. We have all these thousands of donors already that are supporting us. Join them. We've got dozens of those donors who have put up money for every new donation. And they have done that even though they already give because they want to bring you into the fold. give because they want to bring you into the fold.

They want you to feel as good as they do every time they hear a MaximumFun.org, every time you hear a MaximumFun.org podcast. That's the true benefit, by the way, of this operation is that every time you turn on your thing, you'll think, hey, I contributed to that. I made that happen. I decided I like that and I took took care of business tcb right jordan just like motley crew sang in their famous song kickstart my heart maximumfund.org slash donate is the place to do it and we will see you online live sunday night march 13th 7 p.m maximumfund.org 7 p.m pacific 10 p.m eastern that of course is 8 p.m mountain 9 p.m central

some nudity there will be some nudity um jordan has promised to show his butt have i yeah oh that was we sort of set it up like it was an audition for a cop show on fx oh okay so i'll have to say shit once. Yep. And then show the edge of my butt. Yep. And then have some sort of odd character flaw. Yeah, that's the whole situation that we'll put together.

Hey, speaking of live funny things. Yeah, Maria is going to be in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Maria is going to be in beautiful Ann Arbor, Michigan from March 10th through March 12th at the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase. Then I'll be in Melbourne, Australia from the 26th of March and through... Looks like my birthday, April 24th or something. April, yeah, 24th, something like that. And then... At the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

I'll tell you something. or something like that. And then... At the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. I'll tell you something. I was eating dinner at the wedding of the folks who donated the Xbox to our live show. I'm sitting with some Australians. They were really impressed, really, really impressed that I knew Maria Bamford and Arj Barker. Yeah, because they have a very small TV pool of people.

And then they also like the idea that if the person who comes over from the States doesn't do very well in the States, then it's like, oh, it's an underdog. It's a special our person. Yeah, it's our person. Your country doesn't like you, but we do. I'm a convict.

He's saying that's an Australian voice. I'm a convict. Me country's an island. Your accent is terrible. Unemployment is easy to get. It sure is. Hello. I'm from Australia.

Me name's Dick Van Dyke. We have a lot of abagaganos. Yeah. Have yourself some angeroo. Wait a minute. Is that correct? Yes. I mean, certainly.

JJ, go at MaximumFun.org. 206-984-4 fun look jordan needs the money i need the money um julia smith our producer needs the money my unborn child needs the money we need the money to pay for uh the new offices in the new place that we're moving to um maximumfund.org slash donate so that you know that the thing that you like, you actually supported it instead of sitting like a little turd on your couch. The TV show we worked for got canceled.

Yes, the TV show we worked for got canceled. Come on, let's make it happen, people. And this is a nice studio that you have here, but it's certainly not up to professional grade standards in terms of all the cushioning that they usually have in rooms. Sure, yeah. And then also there's usually somebody reading the traffic. Right.

We need to hire a traffic person. We need traffic updates on the fives. That's what this podcast needs. I bought the chopper. I got to buy the gas. Yeah. It's expensive. Diesel's expensive right now. It is to buy the gas. Yeah. It's expensive. Diesel's expensive right now.

It is. This Doppler radar doesn't pay for itself. No, sir. Do you guys have koozies? Oh, that might be a fun gift for next year. Next year we'll have koozies. Everybody likes a koozie. I'm going to build a kooze in my backyard with the money that we get from this Max Fun Drive.

You're going to hop in the kooze. Not really. Nobody's getting rich off of this, Jordan. No. Nobody's getting rich off of this jordan no nobody's getting rich off there's no treasure baths going on this isn't the boy oing people no uh-uh no it's a it's a business it's a science it's a service it's a community service by the way judge john hodgman has promised that if you uh if you pledge at the judge john hodgman's post-apocalyptic justice squad level and you tweet at him, he will retweet you. That is his promise.

Pretty good. You're going to get several hundred followers from that. He's also said that anyone who he runs into at a show in his neighborhood in Brooklyn at a reading and says that they're a fan of MaximumFun.org, he will then say, are you a donor? And if you are, he will treat you like a king. And if you're not, he will shun you. So that's the stakes we're looking at here.

Very high. These are serious stakes. I mean, that guy is a film and television star. Yeah, and when you're shunned, that means no contact with your family. Yeah, absolutely. This is going to be like if you leave the Sea Org in Scientology. It is going to be serious. Shit is going to go down.

You're going to have to steal a motorcycle and jump over a fence Steve McQueen style to get out of this situation if you don't donate. Anyway, MaximumFun.org slash donate. Do it now. Do it long. Do it hard. Oh. Hey. Hey. Don't do it hard.umFun.org slash donate. Do it now. Do it long. Do it hard. Oh.

Hey. Hey. Don't do it hard. I don't want it hard. We'll talk to you. I would like it gentle, please. We'll talk to you March 13th at 7 p.m. Pacific at MaximumFun.org.