Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 168: Moose with Dana Gould

Episode Date: March 21, 2011

Longtime Simpsons writer-producer and standup comic Dana Gould joins Jesse and Jordan for much enthusiastic chatter.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

We're joined by the great Dana Gould. I'm not going to lie to you. I do not remember a single thing that we talked about, but I remember laughing a lot. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. A cold, rainy day here in Los Angeles.

I feel ready to podcast. Yeah, it's podcasting weather. It is. It's a beautiful, it's a beautiful, it's like a sheet of gray outside of the window. This will maybe be folksier than our normal podcast. Do you think so? Well, since Garrison Keillor announced that he's retiring, I don't see how it could not be folksier. Yeah, I mean, someone's got to pick up that,

someone's got to close that folksiness gap that's going to be left in America's cultural landscape. Let's introduce our guest, shall we? Sure. Maybe he can help us. Ladies and gentlemen, up high, cooling on a windowsill. You know him as... It talks, though. He's really funny.

...celebrity stand-up comic. You know him as a celebrity stand-up comic. You know him as a longtime writer and producer on The Simpsons, among other television programs. Dana Gould. Hello. Hello, Dana. How are you? It's a cold, wet day here in Silver Lake. Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha! I know. And that was me being the audience at a very old companion. Neutron-powered NPR fake laugh. It is just a shriek at some point, isn't it? I was in my memory of him, the best memory I ever have of Garrison Keillor, I was at the Aspen Comedy Festival. Which he created. And we're walking around

and it's cold and there are these people, young people with like backpacks full of hot cocoa that would give you one because it was,

it's a, Sure. Was it like sponsored by? Yeah, it was like the Nestle's gave $4,000. It was sponsored by the richness

of Aspen, Colorado. Exactly. That's just what they spend their tax dollars on. A place that's yawning for comedy. Brought to you by excess. Exactly. Sure. Exactly. That's just what they spend their tax dollars on. A place that's yawning for comedy. Brought to you by excess.

Exactly. Exactly. By fattened calves. I broke my cross-country skis, so I had to go down to City Hall to get issued some new ones. Sure. And we're walking around, and it's snowing, and this guy's making hot chocolate, and I just, I go, how's it going?

He goes, it's great. It's great. Has everybody been nice? He goes, yeah, everybody's been super great, except, who's that guy's making hot chocolate. And I just, I go, how's it going? He goes, it's great. It's great. Has everybody been nice? He goes, yeah, everybody's been super great. Except, who's that guy's name, Cheryl? Garrison Keillor. Yeah, that guy was a jerk, man. Wow.

He's pissing off the hot cocoa brand ambassador. He's seven feet of angst. Yeah. National public angst. But I... A lot of that is what I call comedy adjacent.

It's just, there's all the ingredients of a joke, but it's not funny. It's like, if I showed up here with a bowl of flour and a raw egg in it

and said, I made you a cake! Right. No, the ingredients of a cake are present, but it's not cake yet. But you haven't done anything to it.

Yeah, you've not done it yet. You need to... It happens a lot. But in... Not in his defense, but I mean, I guess I can understand that if there's— You say something in his defense, and I'll say something in his offense.

Great. And I'll stay out of it. I bet if there's someone— I'll have learned my lesson. If there's any media personality that has a strong opinion about hot cocoa quality, it's probably Garrison Taylor. And I bet, you know, some teen rocketing it out of a cheesy backpack i bet he's like that offends him to his core i think he probably has a temperature that he likes it at a milk to chocolate ratio this guy this guy knows cocoa i would watching you young hipsters fly to the defense of garrison

keeler for me heartbreaking yeah uh i would like to or or just a small chance this danny gould speaking and no one else okay he's just a douche that's probably it could be probably it i don't have any opinion on you sure you don't that's i understand how that is i'm in that position often. I'm in that position often. Yeah, and he's got that great NPR back of the throat. Just, here we are. A tomato sandwich and spongy white bread. Lutherans did something.

Everything has syrup on it. And then the audience just shrieks for five minutes. I enjoy NPR, and I think it'll be better now that they've cut the funding. Yeah, I think so too. Yes, it can only help the quality. We're finally going after the real enemy. You know, it's funny. In the midst of all the earthquake in Japan and the war is now broken out in Libya and all of the chaos that just assaults you when you listen to the news, sometimes I turn into Market marketplace because it's nice to just listen into greedy pigs who care only about money just that's soothing for like there's still this there's still this just checking in yeah

checking in with kai with why we're great uh kai risdahl host of marketplace uh former navy seal really yeah wow that's why he has Navy SEAL level glibness. Exactly. Those guys can do anything. He's perfected vacant glibness to a can-kill-a-man-with-one-hand level. Yeah. And have you met, is he just like coiled? I've never.

Ready to strike at all times. Does he look like a stick man made of rattlesnakes? I've never met him before. I can only imagine, though, because, and I'm actually, I think Marketplace is a good show, and he's a good host for that show. It's just all money all the time. I just can't, I just marvel at the intensity of Marketplace-iness that Kai Risdall, and Kai Risdall, not the original host of Marketplace, he's like the fourth host of Marketplace.

But it's like they had this stream of marketplaciness when they created Marketplace. And I've done stuff on Marketplace. I mean, I'm dirty in this. They keep putting a smaller and smaller nozzle on it with each successful host to the point where, successive host, so to the where kai rizdahl is just blasting all the protesters off of the road right and it's also getting to the point like only half the sun came up this morning and giant tentacles have reached up through the earth's surface how's that going to affect the nasdaq let's find the numbers all right yeah at a certain point that

stuff doesn't matter anymore it's a they play their jazzy theme. It's amazing. You brought up comedy adjacency. I'm impressed, frankly, as a person who works in public radio, at the number of people in public radio who see not a Prairie Home Companion, because I think the humor on a Prairie Home Companion, I won't say anything about my personal position on it,

but I think it's not for everyone. It's fair to say sure can you swear on this podcast absolutely okay here's one thing that's never been uttered uh-huh guy fucking noir man But Marketplace I don't think it's Intended It's even intended to be funny Clearly Garrison Keillor is Intending to do a humorous Program

With much of his show I never heard, Kevin Meaney turned me on to the American Home Companion American Home Companion That's where I get my survivalion. That's where I get my survivalist gear. That's where I get my... Your canned goods. My poison rats

that I will release. No, Kevin Meany is a giant, crazy fan of Prairie Home Companion and he turned me on to it. And it is like a Stephen King book on tape. It's soothing. I'm from a small town. It's fun. I do listen to it. But when you know that he

lives in Manhattan and he's a giant go-getter and then he jets into St. Paul and does it. My friend was on that show for a long time. Alice Platon, the actress is in his... She's a delight. Alice Platon. Your Prairie

Home Companion, this is intended as a humorous entertainment program A piffle Marketplace Is intended As an informational program Which it does a great job of But there are people I remember sitting in a group

Of young And this isn't an age thing these were these were like early 20-somethings young public radio employees discussing public radio shows and they were telling me how hilarious marketplace is and i thought i don't even think that's supposed to be hilarious, is it? To me, Marketplace is like the canned cake frosting report. It's so freaking specific. And there's other aspects of money that you

can talk about. Well, it's a good uses of it. I think we can all agree. Fun stuff to buy. We have different opinions about public radio. I think we could probably all rally behind the fact that Krista Tippett, host of Speaking of Faith, is super fuckable. Sure.

Have you seen a picture of her, Dana? No, I've yet to, but I certainly will tonight. Yes. The wife's out of town. Oh. I've talked before. I'm going to Google Krista Tippett and Yahoo myself. I've talked before about how impressively good-looking

Diane Rehm is on this show, right? I think you have. I heard that she... You told me this. Yeah, Diane Rehm is a very beautiful woman. Or was a very beautiful woman. She's older. She isn't as old, though, as she sounds on the air. I want you to bend me over. She had a condition. She had a condition, lost her voice for some time, and then had to get it back. And when she got it back, it was somewhat tremulous. Yes.

That's putting it sweetly. Yes. She sounds like she has one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. I presume that she's in her 60s. I don't know how old she is. Still behind her 60s. But a very pretty lady. Diana Rigg from The Avengers is probably now in her, I'm going to guess, mid to late 60s.

Uh-huh. But based on what she was in 1966, you'd almost have to just go for it. Yeah. Sure. If it came down to it. If the offer was there, you're just like, I got to. Would she still have the outfit? Is the outfit coming to play?

Yes, but I think the outfit now would operate as some sort of super Spanx. She could still get in the leather catsuit, but then 75 pounds of her would be flopping out the top because it didn't fit. We're talking about the British television program The Avengers. If anyone is

perplexed as to why we're so attracted to... Didn't Uma Thurman so attracted to didn't Uma Thurman play her and there wasn't there yeah I believe Uma Thurman did you can't do it it's like who played John Lennon in that movie I don't care they weren't as charismatic as he was sure yeah fair enough Dana Gould I was

friends with oh go ahead no I was friends with a former a former I guess you would say sex what do they call them? Sex kitten? Sex kitten, kind of. Sex pot. Yeah, but it never came up.

But I've told this story many times. I was friends with Vampyra from Plan 9 from Outer Space. We were very close. She had a little public radio documentary about her that they play around Halloween. I was – I believe I'm interviewed in that. I think you are too. Ray Green did it. Yeah.

Yeah, no, we were – it's funny. It's a very quick story and I won't belabor the point. I interviewed her for a documentary I was making on horror movie hosts, which I still insist is the only job I'm actually qualified to do. And we became friends. Let's be clear. Not making a documentary about horror movie hosting. You're unqualified for that. It's like I wanted to be in the frame.

But you want to put on a cape and go on local television. I even have the cape. No, I have it ready. I have it ready. If anybody's out there, I'm ready to go. I like the idea that you have just like a thing you run through. And at the beginning of the corridor corridor you're stand-up comedian David Gold. By the time you make it to the... Sort of like

how firemen go down the pole into their pants or something. Yeah, like Adam West turning into Batman. Yeah, that's how it goes. No, I'm ready to go if anybody out there... Do you like, by the way, that I seem to have watched the Batman show, seen Adam West turn into Batman going down the pole and then presume that's how firemen

do it. Somehow the outfit gets on between the time they disappear and then the time they reappear. I ain't never seen no firemen get dressed. It's all supposition. It is amazing how funny Batman is.

The shows that have got to come out on DVD, they're unbelievable. The Batman television program from the 1960s. With Adam West, yes. And I believe Michael Goff, who played Alfred. Is that not on DVD? Not yet. There's a lot of legal humma humma about it.

Oh, that seems crazy. The movie that they made is on DVD, and it's hilarious. Yeah, it seems like between the TV show and the movie, at least kind of how I remember it, I did see the movie kind of semi-recently and was pretty floored by how funny it was. Yeah, it's hilarious. It seems like maybe they are like, hey guys, let's just go for it. They knew. Oh, they knew. I actually have met

Adam West, which is not hard. He's all... He's everywhere. And he... No, they got it. Yeah, yeah. Would you still... Would you still consider him fuckable? Well, that's exactly where I was going. Adam West, profoundly fuckable still. Yeah.

He's got that commanding voice. And he knows who he is. Odd cadence. Yeah, we were talking to him and he was like, I have to get back to Idaho. I heard we just got six inches of fresh powder. Oh, you know, speaking of fucking and other men. Speaking of

fucking. That, by the way, could fit into any conversation at three minute intervals. And many, surprisingly many episodes of A Prairie Home Companion. Yes. And it was a big hit on AM radio for a long time. Speaking of fucking.

Speaking of fucking. Right. Was the 60s Batman the product of gay men's sensibilities? Like, was the writing? Because it seems like such a kind of campy exercise in gayness. I don't know. What isn't? Right.

I find that about Papillon. I don't know what Papillon is. Oh, Papillon, the movie about the French prison colony? Oh, yeah. That's a frothy gay romp if you watch it through the right lens. Sure. It's a madcap adventure. Most of the froth is made of starving, torture.

Yeah, and leper excrement. Yeah. But if you see what they're really saying, it's like when you watch, what was the show that I was trying to describe to people? True Blood, if you watch it closely, has a subtext of heterosexuality

that I find fascinating. Beneath the layers and layers of gayitude. Yeah, the wedding. Yeah, the wedding cake-like layers of homophoria. Molten nuggets. Hot Tootsie Roll Center of Edna Gould.

Dana Gould, our guest. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jesse Gough. Oh my god, this has been the show? Love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us, the great Dana Gould.

I was going to give a grand flourish, like introduce yourself flourish, but you were looking at my bookshelf. You were all deeply engaged in my bookshelf. I'm fascinated by people's books. Can't think of what I'm going to steal. Someone came in here the other day and said, you've probably read all these, huh? Many of them.

Was it your jock friend, Moose? Yeah. Who keeps you safe from all the bullies? I could never poop this much. You can read in other situations. I wish I had a friend named Moose. That would be so fun.

Sure. Wouldn't it be great to have a friend named Moose? No, you help him with his homework. He fends off the bullies. Oh, yeah. Your bodyguard Moose. It's the classic jock-nerd friendship. You know, this is something...

Oh, from Revenge of the Nerds. I'm excited to have Dana Gould here. Revenge of the Nerds 2 when he started protecting them. Sorry. The first one he was in, it's... Because of how much I protect nerds. Sure. Yeah, I know I can rely on you because you're a huge mass of a man.

Yeah, look at me. You could take down... If Garrison Keillor heard about the first segment of this show, came down here... Two rocks in my sock. You would grab him by the suspenders, pull them back, and when you snapped them, he would launch through the wall

leaving a shape. Wily coyote-esque wall cut out of wholesome Garrison Keillor dude. But Jordan, I feel like we have such a long history with Dana Gould. Well, yeah, and it's kind of nice from time to time somebody will come on the podcast who i you know maybe semi-met in my professional life

yeah like like denzel washington who's been on this show a bunch of times but we met we met dana the first time we ever met dana was it was a new year's ish in like 2002 or something like that when we were still in college. It was in San Francisco. It was in San Francisco. With Patton Oswalt. Yeah, and Patton Oswalt sent us an email. That's when we first met past guest Bucky Sinister as well.

Sure. Right. And a guy from Modern Drunkard Magazine, who, as I recall, was drunk. Yes, and I believe Dave Eggers was at that dinner. Dave Eggers was there with his charming wife, Vendula Vita. And I was there with my charming wife, Gary Collins. I remember thinking that it was weird that your wife, Sue, given her status in Hollywood, was not a weird jerk. No. Was a very nice lady.

She's a very nice lady. I was like, man. At the time she was an agent, I was like, wow, it's weird that she's an agent. Yes. She seems like a human being. She gets that a lot. You're not an asshole at all. And that was, I mean, I'm not going to say that that was one of the highlights of our life, but it probably was.

I mean, at that point, I mean, yeah, no, that was like. We were like 21. Yeah, yeah. No, that was pretty intense. That's cool. It was pretty intense. That's cool. For us. were like 21 yeah yeah no that was pretty intense that's cool it was pretty intense that's cool for us but you jordan you i feel like had other dana gould stuff in between then and like five years

or so later when we were jordan could play me in the young dana gould story yeah you know i'm looking at it that's actually true i mean you'd have to you'd have to you know take a hot iron to that hair yeah but there's a photo of me that somebody just posted on my Facebook wall, a photo of me from the San Francisco Comedy Competition in 1986. And if you had shittier teeth, you could be me. I'll do that. I'll fuck up my teeth. My teeth originally before I got-

That's how much I care about this project. I've got a brick in this drawer. That I just heard about. No, it was just like, before I got them fixed, it was just like mulesque. My smile looked like the skyline of Dresden the morning after the bombing. Which, by the way, catnip to the ladies.

I mean, along with that clever reference. That's what we call a panty dropper. That combined. Nothing says romance like firebombing. Is it hot in here? In my pants? I don't know.

Is it hot in here, or are we trying to flush out Hitler? And other poems. But we had a sort of interaction That maybe you don't remember And I still kind of feel bad about So I maybe want to take this time to apologize Who's apologizing? You or me? No, I'm apologizing

I still feel shitty about it He used to be your babysitter And he was having an affair with your wife Until we moved to Paris So I was an intern on the Fox lot. Yes. Between years in college when you were writing for The Simpsons. Right.

And something that – We met. Huh? I met you on the Fox lot. I think we did, yes. And you were – at the time, Jordan, I think you were working on – you were working in the world of Fox reality television when it was at its when it was at its absolute lowest in the development office kind of around the time when like monica lewinsky was hosting yeah it was like dating shows about celebrity boxing was on at the time i believe stakes high stakes marriage shows yeah mystery diarrhea bag was a show going around at that time. Right, sure. Hosted by Tonya Harding.

I know. One of these is delicious Nutella. One is diseased shit. Who will be right? And who will take a crowbar to the knees? Right. Six celebrities with clothespins on their nose. Right.

Well, anyways, I just, I – something they told us to do. There was like this Fox directory and they just told us to – they're like, when you have downtime, thumb through the directory. Find people who you admire, whose work you would – kind of whose position you would like to be in. Give them a call. They're usually good about talking to interns and i think i i gave you a call at the at the height of the like simpsons crazy season and i asked let's be clear at first you called all five of the party of five yes but none of them were answering their phones no um yes they were too busy planning their futures every ancillary i can feel this story winding around to where i'm an asshole no no None of them were answering their phones. No. Yes. They were too busy planning their futures.

Every ancillary character. I can feel this story winding around to where I'm an asshole. No, no, no. This is I'm an asshole because I feel like, and I asked, and they asked me like, oh, so did you, did you call Dana? And I was like, oh yeah, but I called. And I totally remember you had a weird voice message that said, if you're calling to bitch about Fox News, this isn't the number.

Yes. Did you get a lot of weird? Yeah. My number, if you called one information in Florida or something, it gave them my office number. And I would get hours of voicemails. First of all, I do not like you referring to him as Mr. Bush. This is people upset about Fox News' treatment of George Bush. Yeah, no, it's like, no, you can call him president once,

and then in subsequent sentences in a paragraph, it's Mr. That's grammatically correct. Why do you call him Mr. Yeah. This is not surprising to me because we have recently been, Julia, the producer of The Sound of Young America, and myself, have recently been calling shows, calling to publicity departments at networks on lots to try and book guests for The Sound of Young America. And it is, you just call up and you just get the Dell Service Center.

Right. And they're just like, what would you like? And it is a clusterfuck. Yeah, you can't do it. Completely. At one point, we called and we're looking for the publicity department because we wanted to talk to somebody about parks and recreation. Right. And they transferred us literally to a parking attendant.

Yeah, they have no idea. They actually transferred us to a parking attendant. Who do you want to get on Parks and Rec, though? Because I work there. I can hook you up. The parking attendant, Dana, knew about this issue and gave Julia

his direct line and said, look, I've got the directory here, so just call me and I'll transfer you to whoever you need to talk to. I did get it once, literally like one time, I did like, I picked up the phone and it was somebody complaining and I pretended to be on the news and I was like, well, you know, the official policy of Fox News is that only dumb people watch the news. Right.

Yeah, yeah. And the president does all his speeches from a secret base on the moon. Yeah, exactly. So you would call Dana? Yeah, so I called and my – the position of my internship coordinator was – and she's this like super Hollywood go-getter lady who was really nice to me, but by all accounts, like a fucking Hollywood asshole.

Just another climbing intern coordinator. Sure. Yeah, sure. But hers is like, Bloodthirsty. Just keep calling. Just keep calling. And I think I got you a few times

and you were super nice about saying like, yeah, you know, I would love to do something like like that this is the height of our busy season in the most polite way possible that's but i feel like i was being baited you were my end you were just keep calling and i always feel like i always feel bad about doing it but also like maybe it's this this lesson that i've never been able to grasp if If I could interject here, I did visit Dana at his current office and I noticed your picture on the dartboard. Oh, boy. And the only reason you got onto the lot was because your photo is not posted in the guard booth. But, you know, it's funny.

I do a bit in my act now that I used to do for a long time and then I brought it back. And it's based on the theory that, and I'll tell you why I'm saying this, when you do a joke about retarded people, that you know it's wrong and because it's wrong, there's a sort of tongue

in the tooth that hurts. I have to do it. And then there's also in the back of your mind, there's that people are afraid like, and I might become retarded. Sure. You know,

as long as I don't make fun of someone in a wheelchair, you might Monday, you'll be in one. The black, like me. So you were worried that you were going to become an intern. But the whole, well,

no, the whole point is that you'll never become retarded. Sure. Like, no, you can make fun of retarded people all day long and you'll never wake up going bye i'm going to work oh no and it goes on and on and on and on and on it gets a giant giant laugh and then i say and this is based in truth this is all true story look a friend of mine said you dress it up but you're just making fun of retarded people. I mean, without the impression, that doesn't work.

And he was right. And so I stopped doing it, even though I just did it. And it's an amazing, amazing joke. It is really funny. Jordan and I, I remember having discussed. I'm going to come out and just say, I remember in college, me and Jordan talking about how great that joke is like do it for each other in the dorm room yeah see it's one of those it's one of those things and then i added a sad college experience i added the story that's true out of guilt i donated a thousand dollars to special olympics when i stopped doing that joke

and that resulted in me going into like the super donor ring of the special olympics sure so literally every two days i get mail from retarded people asking me for money in in postage alone they've spent seven thousand dollars trying to get me to spend another thousand dollars that's just retarded but they're retarded that's the whole thing, but literally I, I've been doing that lately and a woman like on my Facebook page or my blog page or something, he's like, I bet you didn't donate any money. You're too busy making fun of people who are defenseless. And it's just this hate filled diatribe. And I have to go, yes, I am, but I can't deny the joke.

There's no, it's indefensible's indefensible beautiful song inside me and i must sing it it's it's it's indefensible but that laugh and i see like i see somebody with a with a mental handy i could i can cry sometimes i just the the the sweet tragedy of the oblivious i so are you i'm not a jordan is developmentally disabled is that what i'm saying is jordan how would you like to win a gold medal no no what i'm saying is sometimes the things like i like you feel bad about there's no reason to feel bad about that but like i feel bad about this thing but i keep doing it yeah sure i know it's wrong well here's the thing doing it what it what it what it opens up in my mind and heart is something that we talked about in a

minute ago which is i remember the reason i remember meeting your wife sue so distinctly is because i was retarded because she's such a fucking retard. It's because I remember being so struck at how nice of a decent person she was, given her status as an agent for Hollywood celebrities. Right, yeah. And I've since met many people in similar positions who were like what Jordan just described. Whether or not they're nice. Right. Some of them are good people and some of them are not,

but they all have this quality that terrifies me. Yes. That I don't know what to do with. Yeah. Well, my wife is much more successful than I am in the business. Yeah. Well, she's more successful than almost anyone. Yeah.

Now. Yeah. And she works – she has a very high position at HBO for people who don't know. And I feel kind of like – She's the president of show business. She's the president of show business and I'm just kind of like – She's only got two more years left in her term now. She's the one making all these movies about men in suits who get fractured realities. Yeah.

I love those. No, no, no. She thought of Beverly Hills Chihuahua. And that was enough. I'll tell you what she did do. And you can thank her for it. And it's coming out and you're going to idolize her is Game of Thrones. Oh, yeah.

I was looking at a Game of Thrones billboard on the way over. That is 100% Sue Nagel saying, nope, this is great, we've got to do it. Oh, that's great. And it's fantastic. Oh, I'm excited about that. It's going to have some orcs in there, probably. There's some dragon eggs. Oh, yeah.

Hey. There's some cod pieces. There's a healthy cod piece budget. Oh, excellent. But I... You've got to get the good stuff. I don't care about... It doesn't have the gratuitous TNA of the Spartacus series.

It's not like a... Man TNA. With cod pieces, it's not like a spaghetti strap top where you can just go to Forever 21. You've got to get the good one. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. But she, like... My wife is really good at getting into a situation and winning.

And I'm just like, what's going on with that movie? I don't know. Are you waiting for notes from the studio? Yeah, I guess I'll call. What'd you do? I worked on this thing I might make myself for five minutes and try to get it on funny or die there's this quality that there's this quality of okay here we go that i i feel like i have built my whole life and like i don't i don't feel like an unsuccessful person i i feel great about the life that i've built but i have to say that what has shaped every decision i've made has been trying to put myself in a position where I don't have

to risk anything. Yeah. Yeah. Or do anything unpleasant. To make the band analogy, like, if we were bands, my wife would be you too. Like, she just knows how to go to the top and stay at the top. And I'm like, the replacements. How do we prevent this from getting too successful? Lots of internal fighting. Yeah. Alcoholism. Yeah. Yeah, no, no, no. And I share the same. Can I be more stay in the time?

You can be more stay in the time. Thank you. And you are vanity without the six. No. Or who was it in the movie? Apollonia? Who was it in the movie Apollonia? Oh, man.

Oh, man, Apollonia. It's a beautiful woman. I remember the day. I think like you, I remember exactly where i was when i realized that wendy and lisa were gay oh you know what i don't know what any of this is can i say one thing about wendy and lisa they're members of prince's band from prince's best band sure um the revolution the revolution and also significant creative contributors to the extent that anyone was to prince they were yeah very talented and have talented. And have a good career now.

Yes. I, um, I have a friend who, uh, who works with them as a publicist. And she said, would you be interested in interviewing Wendy and Lisa?

And I said, yeah, of course I would love to interview Wendy and Lisa because they have a reputation. They have a, this great career doing soundtracks. Um, they've done a bunch of, like, I feel like they won an Emmy recently for writing the

theme to Nurse Jackie. I may be getting some part of that wrong, but I think they did. And I was like, yeah, I would absolutely love to interview Wendy and Lisa. And then she says, there's only one thing. There's a gag order against them. They can't say anything about prince oh that's a lot i was like yes i would like to interview wendy and lisa and not talk about would you like to interview abe zapruder you can ask him anything that's not about the assassination

you can only talk to ringo about the all-star band um it was that would be so amazing if you got ringo and just started grilling him on the All-Star Band. Apparently, at some point, they called Prince a fancy lesbian. That's it? Which is only... I mean, as I understood it, you could only win one of those lawsuits if it was not true. Yeah. But yeah, and apparently they're not allowed to say anything about prince anymore

sorry uh we were we were talking about hollywood go prince no no i think that was a that was a natural segue that was a natural segue yeah he um but you know he's a great example of just like i don't i don't have that uh-huh i don't have that i can't do. I don't have that. I can't do it. You can't do that thing. And what's weird is... Well, here's... I'm going to ask a question, though. Yeah.

It seems like you, at some point, you infiltrated The Simpsons, which to me is this, like, and at least how I know it in my mind, and granted, I put it on quite a pedestal, it's like... Yeah. That it's this kind of Harvard Lampoon. Yes. Gentleman's club for Yale. Oh, and how I,

yeah, how I got into that. That seems like that requires a certain amount of go getteriness, but yeah, you would think not in the slightest. I was, you know, it goes by the reason I keep going back to standup comedy and everything.

It's the only thing I know how to do. It's literally, Oh, it's the only thing I can do. And. It's literally the only thing I can do. And I've managed to not kill three children. I'm good at that. I enjoy that. But I, George Meyer.

You have a very heavily themed home. You've done a good job of theming your home. Yes, I have. You're good at a lot of stuff. Yeah. But I have a. This whole monster movie thing that's going to take off. Oh, man.

You take. You a lot of stuff. Yeah. But I have a – This whole monster movie thing that's going to take off. Yeah, that – oh, man. You take – you wait. You wait. I said it was going to – The big money is in UHF, Danny. The big money is in late night horror movie hosting. But I was a stand-up comic and I had a bunch of deals and I wanted to – I was – enjoyed writing. I kind of let the word out that I might take a writing game. When you say deals, you're talking about

endorsements. I had my own sneakers. What would comedians do if they had like, you know, Magic Johnson has sneakers and comedians would have like, they would endorse like Fritos and jerk-off towels.

Yeah. The best lube for jerking off that would be yeah the dana ghoul jizz away it's like it never happened maybe a cheap motel by the airport gets the jizz off gets the jizz off a plastic plane a model train the rubber trim on any car but uh long story longer george my heart I was looking for a writer's gig And he called me up and he said Mike Scully who was the only guy Who ran the Simpsons No that's not true

Ran the Simpsons Did not go to Harvard Was not the only guy to run the Simpsons And didn't He was a Dartmouth man No he was not He was not an Ivy League dude at all. He's just peeps.

And an awesome guy and the greatest guy ever. And he sort of just hired people based on funny and he was very good at like, you're funny in a different way than he's funny. So we should both be here. There was something great in the – Tina Fey wrote an article in in this in this week or last week your writing room yeah yeah where she suggested that you had to have uh for a sketch comedy show you had to have uh roughly 50 percent uh harvard weirdos and roughly 50 percent uh improv insanos. Yeah, that's pretty good, pretty well put. Because they will balance each other out because the Harvard guys will just want to refine their jokes ad infinitum.

Yeah, as Matt Selman puts it, we're polishing bone. Nothing left, we're down to the skeleton. And yeah, and Mike was really good at that and literally said, would you like to come in a day a week and just be a joke guy? And I was like, yeah, that's perfect. I come in on Tuesdays. I still go on the road. And then I did that for however long, six months.

And literally it was like I was just it was just any other day. And Mike walked in and just said, oh, you know, your contract's up in a week. And I thought he was just going to say – literally thought he was just going to extend his hand and go, it was really great having you. It's been great. And he just said, do you want to come every day? And I said, yeah. And he was like, all right. And then he waited and he went, sucker.

And that was it. I mean it's a terrible story for people that have have like are eating rocks to get on that show. I literally just fell into it. I have been eating rocks for so long, Dana. I'm glad you brought that up. I've been eating them with no purpose, though. Not even to get on The Simpsons just because I think they're food. I don't know. Possibly a vitamin deficiency.

It's conceivable that I'm pregnant and malnourished. Well, what happened was I got that gizzard for christmas and i just don't know how to use it sweet breads and gizzards that's all i wanted as a kid did you know that's a thing by the way can i just i'm this derails our conversation i do want to go to another thing about this just to button it up um but that said coming from a stand-up comedy background even though I was not the first stand-up comedian to work there, Tom Martin was, the fact that I was known as a stand-up comedian a little bit more than Tom was and that I went back to it, I was treated as sort of a separate entity from the other writers. I was always sort of a – Because you've never had a gay experience in the basement of Yale. Exactly.

They all have. Yeah, and I was – I didn't – that where harvard boys go to be gay they do yes they have to go to their rival school hold on hold on we have to go to yale's basement i don't have great stories about the lampoon yeah and you want to run crew team yeah i was just kind of a carny it's like if somebody came to like thanksgiving and brought a carny. It's like if somebody came to Thanksgiving and brought a carny, I could show them all how to— Here's—you want to run the Himalaya? I mean, that was really my sort of— You did know how to grind an organ.

I did know how to grind an organ. And you had that nice organ. From my ears on the road. Sure. I just wanted to mention that I found out recently that some pregnant— You know, pregnant women get food cravings. I thought you were going to say you know some pregnant women. Well, my wife is pregnant, so I know at least one.

Oh, there you go. Some pregnant women get food cravings. I love you homemade baby makers. So far, I've been disappointed by the lack of weird food cravings. No ice cream and pickles at two in the morning. I want her to want ice cream and pickles so badly. I'm 99% sure that is, was invented in the Lucille.

I love Lucy writer's room. That's where I think it came from. I, I was making out what ice cream and pickles. I, I had, um, uh,

I had dinner with, uh, Kurt Anderson the other day, uh, Kurt Explodo Anderson, and his wife told me that she ate, told us that she ate a pint of Haagen-Dazs every night when she was pregnant just because she could. And I'm all for that. I just want something crazy to happen. I've heard about these. What if you could maybe cast out, go to central casting for Bitchy Mother-in-Law? Oh, I know.

Because you don't have one of those. Oh, you don't have to go that far. I know. My mother-in-law was just here. In fact, left earlier today. She was helping us pack because Max Fun World Headquarters is moving to Mount Washington. Did she have her hair in a scarf and was she waving a rolling pin? She did have the rolling pin.

My mother-in-law is like so far from bitchy you can't even like so helpful yeah like her or her worst mine isn't bitchy her worst qualities her worst qualities would be like i don't know over consideration or like too helpful but she did do something really funny uh that wanted to share, which is we watched last week's episode of 30 Rock. I don't know if you guys saw this, but the conceit was that it was essentially a reality show parody based on the reality show that in 30 Rock Tracy Jordan's wife has. Queen of Jordan. Queen of Jordan, yes. It was essentially an episode of Queen of Jordan.

And it was a solid episode of 30 Rock, a fun show. And it had lots of reality show elements in it when they were parodying reality show tropes. And at the end of it, my mother-in-law said, we said, oh, that was a funny one. And she said, yeah, it was. And then she said said is it a different show now and we're like oh no it's a genre parody my yeah my but that's good and that made me think like oh i guess most people do miss the joke of thing you know like when people are always saying like people people will never get community,

it's just a bunch of genre parodies. People don't, the average, it just misses people entirely. The average comment I get from non- comedy people about The Simpsons is, now is that still on? I mean, it's not a joke. I mean, really, it's just like, the

stuff just washes by most people. They don't really, yeah, is that that show? Yeah. You forget about that when you're obsessive. Right. I'm always surprised when people don't want to talk about who they like better, Bill Oakley or John Schwarzwalder. But you got to have a favorite.

Anyway. You got to go Schwarzwalder. Yeah, Schwarzwalder. No, I didn't know. I never worked with Bill. I've worked with John. Yeah. John is amazing. He said the greatest thing about Homer. Dana. I didn't know I never worked with Bill I've worked with John yeah John is amazing

he said the greatest thing about Homer Dana we brought here for one reason and one reason only we gotta talk Schwarzwalder exactly

time for Schwarzwalder time just in case there's a non-obsessive in the audience famous Simpsons writer has written the most episodes kind of a recluse it's kind of a recluse

it's 20 minutes past the hour that means it's time for Schwarzwalder with Gould. Schwarzwalder time. Gould on Schwarzwalder. Smoked in the writer's room long after smoking in the writer's room was illegal.

And drove a crazy old car and came out of advertising. Came out of advertising in Chicago. And writes novels. You can get his novels on Amazon. He just self-publishes these hilarious goddamn novels. Wow. But he said the greatest thing about Homer and I don't think I'm talking out of school.

I think you're squarely in school. He was talking about writing for Homer and he did one in my favorite episode that he wrote, which was the Africa show where they go and we find out that Jane Goodall is using chimps to work a diamond mine. One of my favorite lines, Homer goes into her house and goes, I've noticed your house smells like feces. And she goes, yes. And he goes, and not just monkey feces.

There's one where Homer is, I was just recounting this story earlier today to a friend of mine, that he's, at the beginning of the show, he starts a grocery bagger strike. And he's checking out and he gets an argument with the cashier and he just says, no, you're not. He goes, I know what I'm talking about. And the guy goes, no, you don't. The customer is always right.

That's why everybody loves us. And then the guy goes, get out of the store right now. And out of no reason, Homer just picks up the grocery separator, the little rubber stick, and he goes, I'll go if I can keep this. And I said, what the hell did that come from? And he goes, I'll go if I can keep this. And I said, it's like, where the hell did that come from? And he goes, oh, Homer's a golden retriever. He just writes Homer as if he was a golden retriever. Just whatever he's

looking at, that's all he talks about. And the minute it was like, oh my god, that's brilliant. That's exactly what he does. Well, that's lovely. Those little tricks ruined the show for you. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go Jordan Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris, boy detective

Dana Gould, guest yes hey, how about some commercial messages, Jordan? I like those Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dana Gould, guest. Yes. Good. Hey, how about some commercial messages, Jordan? I like those. Dana, just so you know, like the Jumbotron at the ballpark, if people send us a bit of money, we will share their message on the air. Sweet. Birthdays, commercial things, et cetera, et cetera.

We have two this week. Are you surprised that we haven't gotten one from a guy in prison to his lady who's not in prison? Do they have iPods in prison? I guess that might be the issue, right? Yeah. Anyways, I'd like to get one of those if anybody's listening in prison. Dexter says to Skull, thanks for raping me. Not. See you in the shower.

How about this? 50% off if you're currently incarcerated. Great. That would be what you'd have to say. Thanks for raping me, not. Here's the thing. We will not accept payment in the form of MACs,

which is freeze-dried mackerel packets that are used as money since they made cigarettes illegal in several jail systems. Oh, really? Are they illegal in several jail systems? Yeah, and they now use freeze-dried packets of mackerel in several jail systems. Oh, really? Are they illegal in several jail systems? Yeah, and they now use freeze-dried packets of mackerel in several jail systems. My brother is a prison guard, one of my brothers. He gets paid in freeze-dried packets of mackerel.

He gets paid in human money. But, yeah, no, he says, like, they want to keep them occupied. Yes, he says, you know, a guy watching the game is not thinking about a way to break a mirror and stab me in the throat with it. Sure. Fair enough. Um, podcasting could be the answer to our troubles,

to our, the troubles in America's prisons. Um, trust me guys, all the vagina out here is terrible. You're missing nothing. They should be. And when I say,

when I say podcasting, I don't mean that these people, the people that are on the inside should be When they say podcasting I don't mean that these people That are on the inside should be listening to podcasts They should be podcasting Making podcasts Okay here we go Here's our messages First of all Adam Lanero

He is a graphic designer And he just moved to San Francisco He's looking for a job I took a look at his website, took a look at his portfolio, some very impressive work. It's adamlonero.com, and he says he's done this

not just because he needs a job, but because he wants to work with other Max Funsters. Hey. Isn't that great? I feel like that's a fantastic sentiment. Right. Adam, you're living in San Francisco. A lot of gay dudes up there.

So if you can't get laid, it's you. We should. We should. Because of your refusal to go gay. You know what? No. What? Do you think that our friend Adam Lonero at AdamLonero.com

is giving us a good idea that Max Funsters should be sticking together more? Like giving each other sort of like Irishman in turn-of-the-century Boston? Yeah, I don't know. But how long before there's just some barn out in Texas and then they're stockpiling guns? I don't want to be responsible for that. That's fair. You know, Sunday afternoon at the organizing aisle in the Hollywood Boulevard Staples is where all

the paperclip freaks meet. Nice way to pick up some chicks that are really freaky on organizing. So anyway, yeah, if you want to hire Adam Lanero or just look at his take a look at his portfolio it's adamlanero, L-O-N-E-R-O

dot com. This is like professional Take a look at his portfolio. It's adamlanero.com. This is like professional services edition of our commercial sponsorships, Jordan. Our other commercial sponsorship this week, an attorney. I had to check. I literally, my wife is a licensed attorney, and I had to check in with her about professional standards because attorneys there are very specific rules in bar associations and whatnot about what you can say in your advertising oh because you're your advertising is essentially supposed to be informational it can't be promotional but we can't talk about his monster schlong you can't you can't say like oh we get

we win 97 of our cases or something like that. You can say, I'm a lawyer. I'm available. Right. And if you want to, if you're talking to a client and you're trying to convince them to take you on, one thing that will drive away a lot of clients is if you can't say anything false or misleading because it could put him in violation of the rules of professional conduct. So what I thought is his name is Josh Zisson, Z-I-S-S-O-N. He's based in the Boston area, Somerville, Massachusetts. Oh, I used to live, Somerville, Massachusetts.

Oh, I used to live in Somerville, Massachusetts. Do you need a lawyer? I don't need a lawyer, thank Christ. For Somerville, Massachusetts-related matters? Somerville used to be sort of the dirty working-class neighborhood next to Cambridge, Massachusetts. But it has now apparently been gentrified up the ass. Somerville. As they would say gentrified up the ass. Somerville. As they would say back there, up the ass.

Ass. He formerly worked as a lawyer in the field of tech startups, but he has now gone into private practice and is interested in cases in the following areas. Divorce. Landlord-tenant disputes. Small business incorporation. Real estate. Police misconduct. Personal injury, product liability, general criminal defense, employment law, immigration law, intellectual property, wills and trusts, contract law, and of course, etc. Yes. So I think he's essentially, he's gone into business as essentially what you might call a family lawyer. Yes.

Police misconduct, I think, that's the one where you don't want a lot of friends in your chosen field. Anyway, since we're not allowed to say anything not true, I thought we might just have a little fun saying things that are true. For example, he's never raped anyone. Sure. He can't fly and is not trying to learn. he's never raped anyone. Sure. He can't fly and is not trying to learn. That's a good point. He's not disobeying God's

laws. That's what you want in a lawyer. He thinks it's too early for a new dude to play Spider-Man. It is a little bit. On that theme, doesn't understand why Spider-Man should go dark. Seems like an odd dark. Yeah, exactly. Seems like an odd fit.

Yeah. Anyway, Josh Zisson is his name. His telephone number is 617-444-9626. Or if you prefer, 617-444-ZMAN. Okay. 617-444-Z-Man. Good luck with those police misconduct cases in Somerville. I can just imagine.

What the hell's wrong with you? I'm sorry. I thought you was white. Jpzisson at gmail.com is his email address. Jpzisson is spelled Z-I-S-S-O-N. So there you go. He says that is his email address. J.P. Zisson is spelled Z-I-S-S-O-N. So,

there you go. He says that he chose 444 Z-Man because he hopes that when people get arrested, they'll remember that and make it their one telephone call. Well, I bet that works. My

oldest brother, not the brother that is the prison guard, is constantly getting arrested. Well, no. He is a state police official. Oh. Used to be. It's how the other brother became a prison guard. He was a prison guard and then became, runs the stress unit.

Oh. Yeah. He's like, if you have to, literally like if you have to cut down a suicide, then you got to talk to my brother and he'll. Don't hide your feelings. He works in the field of post-traumatic stress disorder yes he does um the the least empathetic person i've ever met in my life uh but he anyway he's a state police official and years ago i was in boston and i had his was home visiting and i get his card and had in my wallet

and driving to the airport late for my flight I got pulled over and I had his card next to my name in my wallet and I and I was with my girlfriend at the time and I said well let's see if this works and the guy takes my card and he walks out and he goes oh Jesus he sees me and he goes Jesus California

and then he looks at the card and he goes where are you going? I go to the airport. He goes, are you going to be there for a flight? And he just puts the card back in the wallet, hands my wallet, and he goes, go through the tunnel, get on the expressway, screw. Wow. Corruption at its finest.

Sure. That's pretty solid. I was a relative of a fellow police officer. That's enjoyable. Go through the tunnel, get on the expressway, screw. We'll be back. Oh, hey, if you want to do a commercial message, just email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. T-H-E-R-E-S-A.

Teresa at MaximumFun.org. Also, maybe for a lesser fee, just stuff like old evening radio shout-outs. Jen says to Cecily, I still love you. We should institute a one-sentence rate. Yeah. Yeah, sure, absolutely.

What do you think of that? Yeah. Only if it said over a slow jam, though. Yeah. We say it over slow jam? We've got more Josie Cotton and the Wild Combo

coming up, but first... It's our anniversary. Is that the one that we would use probably tony tony tony anniversary maybe whatever i don't i the slow jam would you you would prefer casey and jojo i mean if given my druthers i you're the boss or even all of jodeci sure orlando says to cecily i'll meet you outside of planned parenthood at15. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dana Gould guest with a weather update still raining slightly grayer. You know, sometimes people ask why the weather. I want people to have some context i want people to know what world we're living in we're sitting here three dudes in a room just three raining outside it's raining outside it's storming war is looming in libya yeah i think it happened it's going down pretty much yeah shit is going down there was an anti-war protest in

hollywood i think already oh wow yeah but the day before they were like we have to help these people all right we'll do this no yeah there should be protests uh there should be i just too bad that momar kaddafi has the power over life and death because he's so amazing in every other way yeah if he was just a guy that lived on your block yeah oh how amazing with that hair and those outfits he's the last disco avenger he's just a magical okay look it's time for momentous occasions when something momentous happens to one of our listeners we ask that they give us us a call as it happens or in the immediate aftermath for

a thing called Momentous Occasions. Although I have to say that this first thing says, advice for Jordan. So this may not even be a momentous occasion. Our very capable and not going to get fired at all intern Lindsay screened these calls.

So we'll see what this first one is. Hey JJ Go. This is Scott in Boston. I was just listening to an older episode towards the end of last year with Greg Simmons. And Greg gave Jordan some advice about facial hair, specifically that he has a more rounded face and that much chops would actually make him look fatter. I am also a gentleman with a rounder face,

but I've been rocking the mutton chops. I've been getting many compliments. The ladies like them. So, Jordan, I say mutton chop it up. That's the way to do it, dude. Let's bring the 1860s back, you and me. Come on buddy We can do this

No Yeah Uh Fella You seem great Yep If you Seem like a good guy

If you want I will give you my Xbox Live gamer tag Sure I'm sure we are playing some games That we could play together Sure J1982M Co-op mode

Co-op mode. Co-op, whatever. Battle. Tournament. You seem like a kind of a goofus, and I probably will not take your appearance tips. Yeah, and it's just at the end of the day, the only man that I think you should really listen to when it comes to sideburns and mutton chops would be Brady Anderson, former outfielder for the baltimore orioles i would have said morrissey two good options to the late elvis presley yes as somebody with an also a spherical head who had who rocked some sideburns it's not the sideburns it's the hair around them you what you need to do is as i've done create the illusion of a shape to your head by keeping your hair a little shorter on the side and on the back.

And I don't mean shorter in length. I mean shorter in how far down it goes and then more on the top. You want to create a vertical line. You want to create a vertical line where none exists. A sense of verticality. The illusion of verticality. Sure. I got a haircut. A tremble.

I got a haircut recently from a dreamy punk rock lady. She told me to leave, no matter what conditioner I was using, to leave it in my hair after I left the house. Really? Yeah. Does that seem correct? Did she tell you to wash your hair with bar soap?

Because some punk rock people I knew in high school did that. Punk rockers are not known for their great hair uh-huh yeah uh she was like a fancy punk rock lady anyway would you say that she had zermack bounce back beautiful hair yeah okay i'm gonna say she's full of shit was this at floyd's gosh. It was one of those places. I went to Floyd's the barber, and I think that sheep get more care to their haircutting when they're getting short than I got. This is a faux retro barber shop. It's a faux retro, but what they don't say in the sign is, come in, and we'll attack you with shears. Yeah. They don't really cut.

They just... Jordan, why aren't you going To see my man Jerry You know I actually wanted To maybe To maybe search out Kind of a better A better barber

But I had a little bit Of a time crunch And had to just go To the place closest To my house Jordan I'm going to simplify Your life

Okay Go see my buddy Jerry Okay Go see Jerry Larchmont Barbershop Robot hands massage Jerry will Jerry will take care of you.

He has robot hands that massage your shoulders. That's what's important. Oh, that's nice. That's the thing that's important. At the end of the day, it's not about your hair. It's about the robot hands. I go to where my wife gets her hair cut because inevitably at some point a hot chick's going to shampoo me. Yeah, I don't know if I'm ready to give that up, Jesse.

I mean, you make a great case for Jerry the Barber. Oh, one thing I should add, and my hair is crawling with mites. So, two important considerations. It's foaming with mites, and they still go in there. It looks like the, when you look down, it looks like an overview

of Manhattan at rush hour. It's just... It looks like a movie about nonconformity from 1965. It's just... It looks like a movie about non-conformity from 1965. It does, yes. It is a veritable bukkake of lice, and yet they still go in there. That's not true. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Daryl in Montana

with a momentous occasion. I just got married like 30 seconds ago. First to know. Love the show. Talk to you later. Daryl in Montana,

a longtime listener, a great supporter. We've met him many times at MaxFunCon and elsewhere. A class act, a nice man. Happy to hear that he has gotten remarried.

Congratulations to Daryl. Thanks for calling us so soon after. 30 seconds. That's what we're looking for. Daryl knows what's important. Yeah. Had I said less than a minute after we got married, I could make a phone call. I could call this podcast I like.

That would have gone over great. Yeah, that's right. Internet weirdos. Hold on. Just stall for me for a little bit, honey. Hello. This is Jen in Montana and you are welcome to Broadcast Away. My monumental moment of the evening is I just married Daryl in Montana. Thank you.

She's in the cult! Although, she did call it a monumental moment, so she's clearly just placating her husband. She's never heard the show. so she's clearly just placating her husband. She's never heard the show. But I'm glad to hear it because Daryl has a teenage daughter. She's, I want to say, 19 or 20 now. Nice! Was that inappropriate?

Cha-ching! Was that inappropriate? Who has come with Daryl to Max Funcon a couple of times. Yes! I appreciate you not yelling Boner Patrol. We should explain that right before we went on air, he kept yelling boner patrol. Hey guys, 20-year-olds exist. And talking about mites, which are just not cool together.

That's an expression that's so funny I don't think ever worked. Hey, you're giving me a boner But if you say it with that Joie de vivre in your voice I've got a strong boner for you You're giving me a boner For true Here's what I like.

Come here, come here, come here. I can get you a book deal. They love that. They love book deals. You'll get your little extra attention. I'm monogamous. My boner's for my wife. Sorry.

Yo, this is Karen from Ann Arbor, and I'm calling with a momentous occasion, which is that I found out that you guys are going to be in Ann Arbor. Yes. I'm super, super excited. So excited that I consider it to be a momentous occasion. So I will see you guys in April.

Bye. We are indeed going to be in Ann Arbor. We're going to the Midwest. We're making a Midwest swing, Jordan. Yes. Chicago and Ann Arbor both are going to have Jordanwest we're making a midwest swing jordan yes chicago and ann arbor both are going to have jordan jesse go live uh we are doing let's see what what are we doing here we got uh uh we got the sound of young america live april 13th in chicago with peter segal and other special guests

wow segal huh segal's in segal committed i emailed seg emailed Sagal. He emailed me back. We're on board. We're making it happen. It's the real deal. A Peter, Paul, and Mary Sagal. Yes. That Peter Sagal. We've also got, then we're doing Jordan and Jesse go in Ann Arbor on April 15th. April 16th, Jordan and I are, now here's the thing. The library in Ann Arbor has somehow gotten it in their heads that they should bring us

in for this performance. Did you tell them we were Amy Tan. Yes, I did. Probably why I technically I didn't tell them I was Amy Tan. But when I met with them, I wore an Amy Tan costume and then sort of let them believe what they wanted. So funny. I don't know if you ever gotten mail from the Ann Arbor Library. It's they have the strangest.

It says the Ann Arbor Library and below that in quotes in smaller font, an avalanche of pussy. It's a really odd. That's why we agreed to do it. Yeah, it's a really odd thing. But on the 16th in Ann Arbor, I am going to do my talk,

Make Your Thing, about independent media and the internet age. I'd like to go to that talk. You should come to Ann Arbor. I won't. Yeah, well, you can't win them all. Just be ready with provisions

when you were maybe buried for two or three days under pussy. That's true. You'll have water. That's true. Power bars. A crankable radio. And Jordan, you're going to be teaching an improv class.

I am, yes. And then I'm very excited that on April 17th in Chicago At the Second City, our Chicago shows are at the Second City We're going to be doing a live Jordan Jesse Go With our Max Funn stablemates, my brother, my brother, and me And special guest host, Chicago comedian Dan Telfer Will be hosting the program A long time supporter of this show,

a very popular stand-up comic in Chicago, Illinois, personally recommended to me by Miss Maria Bamford. Oh, well, there you go. So put that in your pipe and smoke it. We were not being aggressive about this. You just turned, you thought we were. We're having, yeah, we're arguing about this. No, we're not.

We are all on board. This is an argument. Dana Gould was talking about how it was bullshit and we definitely weren't going to Chicago. No one said that. I said I wouldn't go to Ann Arbor. Right. But I like the idea of just common news with a sort of mindlessly aggressive P.S. Yeah.

I'm going to take you out to dinner and buy you a fabulous meal and you're going to have the time of your life. Go fuck yourself with that news. In your ear. In your ear. In your ear. Hey, Jordan, Jessica. This is Brady in Ohio. And I have a momentous occasion for you.

I was driving home from college in Georgia and I was in West Virginia and I saw a school bus drop off some kids and pull directly into the parking lot of an adult video store. Interesting.

See, now that's momentous. To see some adult themed movies like The Verdict. I know kids are gonna see this this is about adult situations if you need guidance ice storm if you need guidance on momentosity i feel like that and uh daryl getting married and calling in 30 seconds later yeah there's a pretty good guidelines people are wondering what to call in about yeah 206 or a funny porno thing 206-984-4-fun

is our telephone number if you're not calling 444-ZMAN that's the number you should be calling 206-984-4-fun or you can always email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. In your ear. Again, no one's confronting you. In your ear. It's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. In your ear! Again, no one's confronting you. In your ear!

It's not necessary. Dana Gould, seated guest. He's seated, ladies and gentlemen. The man makes himself comfortable. Painting a picture, giving you some context for the hilarity that's flying at you minute after minute. Sitting here with my, what kind of, whatever, Timberland boots on a nice old rug. You do have some Timberland boots on a nice old rug. You do have some Timberland boots. I noticed that when you came in I was thinking, are you

auditioning for the part of Method Man in a film? No, well see where I come from in Massachusetts, these are just like work boots. Sure. I'm older than you. That's true. I grew up in a little town called Vaudeville, USA.

And yeah, you weren't funny. You got the hook. I don't know. But yeah, it's raining, so these will keep my feet dry. Your parents used to slap you around until you learned the shooting out of a cannon joke. Well, Dana, it has really been a pleasure to have you on Jordan, Jesse. Go. I know.

Well, Dana, it has really been a pleasure to have you on Jordan, Jesse, go. I know. We've had a storied event of, like, you were always calling me as I was about to go to a funeral. Yeah. I'm literally being wheeled into surgery. I should explain that I did. You probably feel like I've been dodging you. I would murder someone close to you and then call you just because I have trouble with emotional distance and I just need to keep you at arm's length. I understand.

So I felt like I could only call you if I knew that you couldn't come over. It was weird, though. You did call like two or three times in a row where literally it was like I am literally walking onto an airplane. Yeah, it was it was trouble. But, you know, and I felt like you thought that I didn't like you. No, not at all, Dana. I know that I'm one of your favorite. I would say top five favorite people, right?

You? For me, yes. That's why I thought you turned on me. You recently usurped one of his children, right? You did. Good luck with them. Yeah. Dana Gould on tour doing some standing up comedy shows.

Professional joke telling experiences. You've got Portland, Oregon, Helium Comedy Club, which has just really been booking lots of great comics. A gem of a place. Really, I've heard nothing but wonderful things about this Helium.

And it's nice because in Portland, Portland's such a cool spot that you'd really like to see them have a place that books great comedians that I would enjoy going to see or that Jordan Jesse Go listeners would enjoy going to see, or that Jordan Jesse Goh listeners would enjoy going to see. And this is sort of a new thing that Helium is there booking those comedians.

And it's America's capital for seasonal disaffected disorder, or seasonal affected disorder. Yes, SAD. Seasonal disaffected disorder. I should have said seasonal disaffected order. For some reason, we studied that in my sixth grade biology class and i still remember a multiple choice test where the choices were sad stands for and it was seasonally affected disorder or whatever it actually is and then one of them was sorry and depressed sort of the same thing a little little sixth grade science teacher humor i bet santa

claus has a mother graduate case case of seasonal affective disorder. It's his highest stress time of year, too, besides just the days being shorter. And then just the culmination of Christmas, the huge cacophony, and then the post-event come down, buckled with three straight months of white, bleak, dark. Yeah, so cold. Beginning of February, he's just like, what is the goddamn point of it? He keeps calling Mrs. Claus bitch. Yeah. Punching the wall.

Do you think he's got a thing where he can only jack off once a year after all the presents are done getting delivered? Like, I can't have my hands touch myself and then toys. Right. So just after he's delivered that last one. Here we go. Oh, Rudolph,

Donna, just go in a circle. Anyway, Dana's April 14th through 17th at Helium in Portland. DanaGould.com for details and other dates. Also headed to Florida. What place in Florida did we say it was in? I'm doing the good old improv in Tampa, Florida.

Tampa, Florida. America's home of churches and liquor stores. Home of your Tampa Rays. Home of your Tampa Rays. And their new motto, where everything's kind of wet. Just a little bit wet. Tampa, Florida, you go in the hotel room, but the table, it's just wet. Just a little wet.

Tampa, Florida, my kind of town. Damp. Damp, yeah. It's a little wet. Tampa, Florida, my kind of town. Damp. Damp, yeah. It's like living in banana bread. 206-9844-FUN is our telephone number. You can call us up. Hey, shit, if you just want us to kind of, if you just want us to give you a pep talk,

there's all kind of shit we're willing to do. 206-9844-FUN, the number to call, jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We will see. Hey, thanks to everybody who came out to Jordan's meetup. Jordan and one of them, my brother, my brother, and me. Which one was it? Griffin. Griffin.

Griffin McElroy had a meetup at South by Southwest. I hear that everyone had a lot of fun. It was. And that's different from a meetup at South by Southwest. I hear that everyone had a lot of fun. It was. And that's different from a hookup. Yes. Yeah. This is where you meet your favorite podcasting celebrities and fellow fans of a favorite podcast. Beautiful.

Any hooking up is purely incidental. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of hooking up. Don't get me wrong, Dana. These things are real fuck fests. I can only imagine. Yeah. up don't get me wrong dana these things are real fuck fests i can only imagine yeah the podcast world is just it's just it's the it's the ann arbor michigan yeah of the internet yeah you're just the the duke of the underworld when you're high up in the podcast world and don't don't miss

our exciting midwest tour this is going to be fun jordan i think it is going to be fun too is what is is chicago too cold to go to in March? No. When are we going? April? I was there in February, and it was lovely. Really? Yeah.

It was cold, but it was nice. Nick, the editor of the Sound of Young America, lives in Chicago, and I get consistent weather reports. Sure. Because he is from the Bay Area like me, and like me is a profound weather pussy. Right. And, excuse me, pussy means strong. He's a weather scrote.

Sure. And do you like that we did that whole retard thing earlier and now I'm going to, I'm like being careful about how I woman. Now you're PC. Yeah. But anyway, I get these regular reports. It sounds like a horrible nightmare. I don't understand how anyone could live there I mean, it's very affordable

A very beautiful city One of the most beautiful cities that I've ever been to What's amazing is if you're a fan of the work of Dan Klaus Sure And I certainly am When he did 8-Ball The early 8-Balls when he lived in Chicago Everybody looked like they were in Chicago Then he moved to the bay area and the people in his comics changed in the california

became the bay area weirdos and it's just a different style of look it's just like it's true yeah people look less like cold cuts and more like trees um hey our theme love you by the free design courtesy of the free design and light in the Attic Records from their album Kites Are Fun, the best of The Free Design. I feel like that covers just about everything. Hey, no, it doesn't, Jordan. What? Thank you to the more than 1,200 people who became monthly Maximum Fund donors during our Max Fund Drive. We more than doubled our monthly donor base uh it's going to

allow for so many amazing things including uh pay increase for jordan uh for our for our friends that stop podcasting yourself and my brother my brother and me and great new stuff on the sound of young america so thank you guys a a slogan for your next fun drive absolutely let's monetize this bitch we'll see you next time on jordan jesse go Logan, for your next fun drive. Absolutely. Let's monetize this bitch. Yeah, right? We'll see you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go.