Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 169: Provel with Dave Holmes

Episode Date: April 5, 2011

What show to see in Vegas? What pizza to eat in St. Louis? Dave Holmes has all the answers.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddly, dumby, twiddly, home free. This week on our show we ask the question, what would you like to see in Vegas?

Let's go! Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. A beautiful evening here in Mount Washington. Yeah, this is the first show from Jesse's new house. If people are noticing a different sound quality, it's probably

the cavernousness of this room that we're taping in. I'm also speaking into an old-timey echo chamber. You know what I mean? Like one of those, you know, like they had underneath the Capitol Records building in Hollywood. that type of situation. I did not know this about the Capitol Records building in Hollywood. Well, let's introduce our guest because he strikes me, frankly, as the kind of guy who would actually know about the echo chamber underneath the Capitol Records building in Hollywood.

You know him, of course, as the host of most television programs. He's also recently been hosting a delightful web series that I've really enjoyed. I, for one, Jordan, I can't speak for you. Please don't. Please don't. It's not my job to speak for Jordan. But I know that in my personal situation, I have really enjoyed his web series, which is called A Drink with Dave.

Please welcome to the program Mr. Dave Holmes. Oh, thank God I can talk now. It was killing me, all this Capitol Records talk, and I couldn't say a word. Sorry, I didn't look. I'm sorry. Hey, guys, listen. Do you have beef with Capitol Records?

No, I don't have any beef with Capitol Records at all. Hello, hello, gentlemen. How are you? Hi, Dave. Back to Capitol Records very quickly. I have a good friend who was the assistant to Andy Slater, who used to be the CEO of Capitol Records. And so she was at the top of that. Known as A.C. Slater.

A.C. Slater. He would do curls. Sure. And any time he walked into a room, everyone would go, woo! Like that. Also, tank tops everywhere he went. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. we'll get back to that speaking of curls his curls juicy very juicy curls among the juiciest most supple curls uh you were anyway uh so one night remember daddy's you remember when there was daddy's right near hollywood i'm in the creakiest chair in america right now uh there was a bar called daddy it might i don't remember yeah maybe yeah they tore it down to build the w okay but there used to be cheekiest chair in America right now. There was a bar called Daddy. It might predate you guys. I don't remember.

Yeah, maybe. They tore it down to build the W. Okay. But there used to be a great bar called Daddy's. And she and I were there one night, and we got drunk, and she was about to leave Capitol. And she was like, do you want to just go raid the CD vaults at Capitol? And I said, yes. Yes, I do.

And so we went up to the office, i now have like the entire beatles how drunk are both you guys at this point i'm not crazy drunk just drunk enough to be like hey let's go steal a bunch of things i mean let's do some crime yeah i'm drunk enough to see you drunk enough to steal sober enough to crack a safe exactly no and it's not it's not a safe and in that case you know this was sort of at the end of the cd era yeah and era. Yeah. And all the shit that was in that cabinet was to be given away. It wasn't like they were going to cart it down to Amoeba and try to sell it. It was all for freebies. Yeah, for friends of the company.

Which I was. What did you make out with? Literally. Make off with? Literally everything. Okay. Literally one of everything. I needed a fucking hand cart to get back to my car, and I'm not kidding.

I like the idea of Dave Holmes going there. Like, I was just at the flea market this weekend, and some people go... The Rose Bowl? The Pasadena City College. Oh, okay. Rose Bowl is second Sunday? That's second Sunday. Oh, good.

Good. That's for all the... You have not missed it. I have a lifetime pass. All the folks out there who are concerned about which week which flea market is. Third week, of course, Long Beach. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah.

Been there, too. You guys are making yourselves easy to stalk. Are you guys worried about... I'm not worried about that. ...obsessed fans coming to a flea market? I could not make it easier, and yet they don't do it. They don't do it. I'd like more stalkers.

Or if they do, they're really, really good, and I don't know. Oh, yeah. Someone tweeted about me, tweeted about seeing me that didn't introduce themselves to me the other day. That was like the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me. Yeah? It was so exciting.

I was like, I mean, that is cool. This guy was apparently like, frankly, in my mind, I'm thinking that this fella is like too intimidated by me to come talk to me. Right.

The reality is probably he couldn't be bothered. Yeah, no, it's probably a little bit of both. I mean, you did intimidate a little bit, probably. Well, I did. I was giving a lot of people the death stare. Sure. My famous death stare.

You were wildly swinging your katana blades. Which you do. Yeah. Which you do. Just after being the assistant to the president of Capitol Records, my friend went on to manage J.T. LeRoy's band. Do you remember the J.T. LeRoy thing? Yeah, this was a— I do not.

This was—what this was was a memoir about— Oh, now I remember it. Okay. It's a fake memoir, right? Yeah. Well, we didn't know at the time that it was a fake memoir. The whole thing was there was a person, J.T. LeRoy, or there was supposed to have been a person, J.T. LeRoy, who was raised as a truck stop prostitute by his truck stop prostitute mother. He was a boy who was raised as a girl and raised to turn tricks at a really early age. That was a good turn tricks gesture, by the way.

You're really speaking. Your television training is showing You're speaking with your hands You've got one hand up, sort of illustrating the globe The other hand, jerking off a trucker A trucker dick, yeah I mean, I can see the rest of the trucker When you're doing it, too

That's how good your space work is, Dave Yeah, definitely I mean, you have a sense for his weight and his heft Sure He's a fat man He's a big dude He's a real big dude That's why he's fucking a small man he's a big dude he's a real big dude uh that's why he's

fucking a a small boy who's pretending to be a girl who doesn't exist right right so yeah so the whole thing was it was you need a biggin for that right the uh so jt would make appearances and and the thing like jt wrote the lyrics for this band and so it was sort of jt's band but but like he he didn't he was too shy to make appearances and and it was this girl it was an actress that they had hired to play this like young boy who was pretending to be a girl and she would have a crazy wig and big sunglasses on and be real shy and like often have a polaroid camera and take pictures of you and giggle and and i met JT many, many times and like,

and saw a lot of people fucking fall for it. I fell for it. We all fell for it. And then, uh, it turns out it was, it was just a woman who was a writer who couldn't sell her writing, but then she switched a few things around and said,

uh, headed down to the truck stop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was just basically, she just made some shit up and like some calls with this sad little whispery sort of teenage confused voice.

And became friends with Michael Stipe as this little girl. And Juliette Lewis and a whole bunch of crazy people. And Stipe's got quite a bullshit meter on him. You would think. So I'm surprised. He fell for it. There's something about like, oh, and he was supposed to have been addicted to heroin for a while. And he was HIV positive.

And just all of this shit together made people not question it. Should we have a backstory, Jordan? Make it up. You and I? Yeah. I mean, look, we each have a little bit of stuff. We've gone through our troubles as kids. I mean, you know, people uh you know there's that

time that the people threw batteries at me from the top of the projects and uh is that a thing yeah it's a thing yeah absolutely myself and my mother uh really jordan you went through the uh difficulty of just living in orange county yeah well sometimes my mom would leave my flannel sheets on my bed well into summer. Yeah. It gets hot. Clammy. Clammy. It's a clammy situation. But I think we could probably kick it up a notch J.T.

Leroy style. Yeah. We would each have to have a distinct biography. I feel like they would have to have some kind of interplay. Like if you had a J.T. For example, if you had a J.T. Leroy backstory where you were a boy raised as a girl who was a truck stop whore, I would have to have been a former trucker. Oh, sure.

They have to fit together, Dave, like pieces of a puzzle. So maybe Stephen King will write my backstory and Richard Bachman will write your backstory. Oh, I like it. I like it. And then the rock bottom remainders can be the band. Right. Sure. That plays us out on stage.

Yeah. In all the JT LeRoy books, which I read, there's this weird like foodie thing going on. Like it's all, they all take places, they all take place, take places? They all take place at truck stops. They all take a place. How many books are there in this series? I read two and there might be i think there's 36 but i might be thinking of the bobsy twins yeah it's like uh the

hardy boys there's a mystery yeah the boxcar truck stop to solve it but uh but there's truck stop whore and the mystery of the old clock yeah but there's honestly there's a lot of food writing and this woman who who turned out to have been doing all the writing had been like a restaurant reviewer for San Francisco Weekly or something like that. And so it's odd that nobody fucking connected these dots ever. But there's a whole thing about the cooking and the spices that they used and whatever. At the truck stop. At the truck stop. It's like How many people

Know that it's fake Like a certain amount Have to know There has to be a certain Okay So according to my friend It was It was really just

It was the woman Who did the writing It was her boyfriend Whose band it was Oh okay And it was his little sister Who played JT Oh wow okay

So the three of them That was And nobody else They were able to have That conspiracy They were able to have That conspiracy conspiracy So the band didn't know Nicole who managed the band didn't know And none of the people

None of the people around The literary part of it ever knew These are I like the idea of these telling details Yeah I also like the fact that there's a loser boyfriend In the story His fucking band couldn't get a break.

And his girlfriend had to bail him out. His girlfriend had to bail him out in the most spectacular way possible. And also humiliate a whole bunch of people. Do you think if somebody is, when someone is reading our memoir that we're going to write, we're writing a memoir too to enable this whole thing. Obviously. that we're going to write. We're writing a memoir, too,

to enable this whole thing. Obviously. They're going to sort of just let slide the fact that all of my chapters, it's going to be an alternating chapters type situation. Different typefaces.

All of my chapters, it's like, why is this cross-country trucker so interested in Jose Uribe, the shortstop for the 1989 san francisco giants yeah sure yeah and then one day someone will put the pieces together how did how did that i don't remember how that was found out i don't even look like the perfect admission i don't either uh but it for sure did they they told n, uh, my friend who managed the band before they told the band and she said, she says that she sort of suspected something, but who knows?

And when I found out, I was like, I tried to make off like I fucking suspect something. I totally didn't. Did it come around the time of the million little pieces? Did those both get broke? It was right around the same time. Yeah. It was like then. I have something to say about that middle million little pieces situation, which is is this i did not read a million little pieces so i don't have a

position on it right uh however uh james fry the guy who wrote a million little pieces was on the sound of young america but telephonically true um in our santa cruz days this was after you left i think jordan um and for his second book, which was called My Friend Leonard. And I have to say, at the time, I didn't know a lot about the A Thousand Little Pieces world before I read My Friend Leonard. And I don't know even if I read all of My Friend Leonard. And I don't know even if I read all of My Friend Leonard. I may have done a classic kind of interviewers, read

a big chunk of it, and then had to sort of skim through the rest. And I thought his whole thing was that it was semi-fictional and slightly fantastical. I thought that was the premise yeah yeah

i don't i didn't see what the big deal was and and also i i don't get how people didn't ask questions about that one because i i did read a million little pieces and there's a whole thing uh about it's kind of the centerpiece of the book where he's getting a root canal but he's at betty ford and they won't allow you to have any uh any anesthetic or whatever and so he's squeezing this tennis ball while they're digging around in his mouth and it's really long and it's and it's well written you know it's it's very painful to read but what the fuck are you talking about they don't let you have anesthetic when you're in betty ford that can't be a thing that cannot be a thing can't be real no that can't

be real like if you if you have to betty for herself will will walk up and pinch your iv yeah so that the drip stops yeah i don't that just doesn't make any sense at all because you might get sick and you might need to have an operation and there's they can't say oh no no no no he's a recovering alcoholic he can't you can't put him under while you're like cutting him open you know what's funny my dad is a recovering alcoholic yeah and he recently took out his own appendix. Okay. I had not put those two things together. Yeah. I guess I'm, hey, you know, there you go.

That explains that. That explains it. But even the guy in real life who took out his own appendix, even he anesthetized himself, didn't he? Yeah. Like, okay. I think he did. Locally, he got drunk or something. Right. It's like what we were talking about.

Drunk enough to not feel anything, but sober enough to be able to perform surgery on yourself. Make a nice, clean incision. Sure. And then make off with some Mighty Mighty Boss Tones albums. Sure. Were they on Capitol? I think they were. I remember the biggies were the Beatles and the Beach and and all the john lennon solo stuff and

i want to say there was a bunch of old james brown but i could be wrong did you um uh did you get to visit the giant echo chamber i i saw that it was because i did not make this up i did not make this up that is the thing there there's a whole there a whole bunch of, there are a whole bunch of studios on the bottom floor. And the echo chamber. Whether or not there's an echo chamber, I don't know. It's like a wall of sound era thing. Like it's like before, before you were able to put an echo on things.

Right. They built this echo chamber so that you would actually have a literal echo. Right. Before like mechanical reverb was invented or before it literal echo. Right. Before, like, mechanical reverb was invented or before it sounded good. Yeah. Like Frank Sinatra would go down there to get reverb on his vocal tracks or something.

Yeah. I know this because they were building something nearby the Capitol building, and there was concern that it might damage the echo chamber. The historic echo chamber. Yeah, it is a historic. That was exactly what it was. It was about the historosity, the historical significance of that chamber they just don't

care i know like now the the building i think is lofts is it really if it isn't it's about to be lofts oh that would be a pretty cool loft though you get some sweet reverb of all the kind of bullshit theme buildings in los ang, man, that Capitol Records building is cool as shit. Yeah, just start your web startup in there, maybe. Oh, that would be fantastic. What else do you do in a loft? I don't know.

You have parties with coolers full of plastic bottles of vodka. You ask people to tip. Oh, yeah. That seems to happen a lot in lofts. Wait, that's not something. That is a thing. Where you have to tip? No, it's just where it's like they've set out a bowl. Like, hey, throw in a dollar.

Or whatever. Maybe I was just at people's Burning Man fundraisers. You may have been at a Burning Man fundraiser. I was probably at a Burning Man fundraiser both the times I've been at it. Think about it. Were there a lot of art cars parked outside? There were. Did any of the cars have, were any of the cars completely blanketed in plastic army men?

No, but in one case I was embraced by a stranger and given a poem to put in my pocket. So that was for sure a Burning Man fundraiser. That was for sure a Burning Man fundraiser. For the camp that, had I gone to Burning Man, I would have stayed at. I was on the fence at the time.

You would have gone to the poem slippers. Yeah, I forget what they were called. Like fucking electric landladies or I don't know. That's not a thing. would have gone to the poem slippers the yeah yeah i forget what they were called like fucking electric land ladies or i don't know that's not that's not yeah what they were called that is what they were called uh but yeah it was it was something and uh you know i ended up not going and now i'm 40 so it's not gonna happen really what's the burden no i isn't i think isn't it i thought it was for 40 year olds i think so Isn't it an older man's game? I think so.

Oh. I think it's like when fucking Coachella seems like bullshit, then you had a Burning Man with real people. For a long time. Burning Man is a real... As a native San Franciscan, I remember when Burning Man was new when I was like 14, 15 years ago. And I remember it has always been a thing for the very rich. Yeah, that makes sense.

And there aren't that many very rich people under 30. It's true. Okay, that's true. And I'm not... Look, if you love Burning Man, that's fine. I don't have a problem really with Burning Man. But it has in from from like my outside point of view i've always been struck that it's been something that that people

who drive one of the less expensive bmws go to i gotcha like a sporty bmw like a coupe okay i just had a conversation about it uh when i was on the fence recently with somebody who loves it. So you honestly entertain? Oh, yeah. Every year I entertain the idea. Every year I entertain the idea. And the last time that I seriously entertained it. You would have fun, I think, because you have a generous spirit. I would thank you, and I think I would have fun.

I think that I would have fun, but I also think it would be a fucking nightmare because you'd be three hours into the desert with a bunch of people who are on acid. Right. Which just does not, you know, that doesn't feel good. Yeah, it's really a trip. Yeah, and I don't, like, if I'm at a bad party or a club that I don't like, my favorite thing in the world to do is leave. I love to fucking leave. And if I'm in the middle of Burning Man,

I can't leave. You know, where are you going to go? Yeah. You can't just drive out. You can't just go to a different club. Yeah. Look, John, what do you do if you're at a

club you don't like oh i will also leave no i like leaving too and i'll i'll fucking get some drive-thru on the way home there you go that's the this is the that is one of my important things it's taken away from me i have i've never been to a club in my entire life i have been to like four okay and uh and three were when i was in vegas okay. You know what I mean? Sure. It's like goofy. Are you sure that wasn't just a Cirque du Soleil show? It was probably just a Cirque du Soleil show. Fuck you guys. I'm out.

This nightclub is amazing. It's kind of, the dancing's kind of hard to do. Sure. Yeah. And I had to pay $1,100 for my seat. I'm actually going to Vegas next week to see Robin. No, week after next. This is the

musical based on the life of Dick Grayson. And I've said this to a couple of people and I said, oh, I'm going to Las Vegas to see Robin. They're like, Williams? They just assume that I'm on a first name basis with Robin Williams

and that I would want to see him live. But you're on a first name basis with Robin Williams And that I would want to see him live But you're on a first name basis with him But still have to pay to get into his show Exactly A diaper is being changed right before my eyes Wow Across your little, right over there Dave has a view of the window, Jesse and I do not

What I have is Is this a poopy diaper or a peepee diaper? I think it's number really, what I have is... Is this a poopy diaper or a pee-pee diaper? What do you think, Dave? I think it's number one. By which I mean the baby did number one, not the first one of the options that you gave me.

Sure. But yeah, new one's about to go on. I'll let you know how it goes. Okay. Here's my question about Las Vegas. If you're going to go...

Now, Jordan, you go to Las Vegas all the time for work as well. Basically, yeah, yeah. I've had a little stretch there where I was going once a month. So here's my question about this greatest of American cities. I hate it. I hate it.

If you're going to go to one Las Vegas thing, well, Las Vegas show specifically, which show are you going to go to? And this is why I bring it up. I went to Las Vegas. When was this two years ago maybe jordan we talked about it on jordan jesse go yeah had a lot of fun at the liberace museum sure oh this this really sweet man who ran the oh god the staff of the liberace museum are the sweetest people in the world because it's these it's these old ladies who are still in love with him and then this this kind of like fastidious 40-year-old gay guy who is really excited that you're there because you're under 60 and he wants you to post about it on Facebook.

Oh, I will. And he's so nice. You can just tell that he's never figured out how to tell the old ladies that Liberace was gay. They've heard it. They don't care. They just choose not to listen. It's so great. It's a wonderful place. But I think closing down, that was a big thing. I don't know if they'd ended

up happening. Well, I have not been inside the Liberace Museum, but I have been a few times to the place across the street from the Liberace Museum, which is the Pinball Hall of Fame. I had no idea. Okay.

So these are great things. We're not going to get into this because I need to talk about shows. For sure. So when I was in Las Vegas, I thought we were at the comedy festival, the former TBS Comedy Festival. I don't know if it still exists. Apparently the Family Guy Rerun Festival. Yeah, we were at Caesar's Palace. And I think it was at Caesar's Palace, the big show was Bette Midler.

And I thought, you know what? I think I would enjoy going to see a Bette Midler show at Caesar's Palace. That sounds like a lot of fun to me. I don't like the music of Bette Midler, really, at all. But I do think she's kind of funny. You like brassy dames. She is a brassy dame. And I think she pulls it off well.

There would be a couple songs that you liked that you just don't know about. Yeah, absolutely. I think so. You're thinking Wind Beneath My Wings wings you're thinking from a distance i think if she's when she's saying like boogie woogie bugle boy or whatever i'm on the fence about that one but friends come on you mean fucking go nuts for friends friends how many of us have them exactly that is the one ones we can depend on she does a little j Watley. Where are your friends in the middle? That's good.

But no, if you don't know the song Friends by Bette Midler, fuck it. I don't. I only know the Houdini song. Oh, Jesus Christ. You know what? Something, okay. I want to hear what you guys think about

what show you would go to see in Las Vegas. But something about Friends by Houdini. So I interviewed John, I think it was John Darnielle. It might've been Carl Newman from the New Pornographers, but one of these two indie rock guys that I just interviewed the other day.

You lead a charmed life. I would love to talk to both of those gentlemen. They're both great. On the Sound of Young America, I'm going to go Carl Newman. I said John Darnielle initially, but but Carl Newman who's on this week's Sound of Young America um and and he was saying I was asking him about like growing up as uh growing up and like what kind of music he got into as an adolescent and he was saying and I was saying

you know I I read that you were kind of a new waver and like what did that mean to you at the time or something and and he said I was but I I was, but I sort of thought it all was new wave. I wasn't that discerning. Right. And then I said, you mean like, then he said, like, you know, like Susie Sue and the Banshees. He gave some example of a band that's not new wave that he thought was new wave and i said oh i thought you meant things that were really not new wave like houdini like friends by houdini right and he said who's houdini and i said you know friends how many of us have them friends friends, once we can depend on?

And he said, is that a hip hop thing? And I was like, oh, fuck. I really just stepped in it. I didn't say that. I really thought, A, I really just assumed that he would know who Houdini was. And then, B, I thought everyone, if you just sing that, will be like, oh, Houdini, who sang the song, who do the song Friends, and the freaks come out at night. And when you sing it like that, like outside of its hip hop context, it sounds like a New

Wave song. Yeah, exactly. That's what it does. I can see some skinny British dudes with hair like this. Yeah. Putting one hand over an eye. Yeah. That's what they would sing something like that.

Anyway, that's how I embarrassed myself in front of either John Darnielle or Carl Newman. I don't think you embarrass yourself at all. Okay, so what show would you like to go see in Las Vegas, Jordan? Well, the one that I can speak to, I saw Stomp once while I was there, and it was amazing.

Really? Stomp is great. So much fun. You get get pumped you start to think that there's music all around you all you need is a little ingenuity sure uh creativity are you being sarcastic i'm not no no i am no and i uh i mean like a little i'm a little bit but i am i genuinely had a great time at stomp and i think that if if you dropped $40 to see it, you'd be pretty stoked. Okay, but if it's just $40? I remember I maybe picked it because it was one of the more reasonably priced shows.

Well, that's good. Yeah, I feel like the reason I didn't go see Bette Midler was it cost like $150 or something to see Bette Midler. I was like, she does a show every night. Yeah, and sells that shit out. I'll go tomorrow if it's cheaper then. She was at Caesar's Palace, which is... I was there for work in January. Right.

And our boss gave us tickets to Cher the last night we were there. And Cher played... It was like Cher and Bette Midler and Tina Turner were originally sharing that giant theater at Caesaresars Palace. Would they alternate nights or is this just one? They would alternate weeks, I guess.

Bette would be on for a month and then Cher would be on for a month. So you are on a first name basis with Bette Midler. All of these people, yeah. Although Cher, less impressive that you're on a first name basis with her. Yeah, I think if you're super familiar with her, then you get to be on the second name basis with her oh yeah her last name is uh so anyway so my my Johnson yeah my uh

my boss gave us uh tickets to see Cher so we saw Cher and and the theater is massive the Bette Midler theater is fucking massive and and it's and she sold it every night twice a night and so did Cher and uh it it was the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. And tickets, by the way, were like $3.50. Wow. And we had decent seats, but they were like $3.50 a seat. Two shows a night sold out. Did your boss – now I'm just going to interject one question.

Did your boss give you the Cher tickets because you like Cher, just because you're gay, or because it was— People do make that assumption a lot, that I'm just going to automatically like Cher. Or because it was Las Vegas-y. Well, he said, I want to get you guys tickets to something. He's weirdly generous, like gives incredible gifts. What was the job? It was the show that was the, the job? Uh, it was, uh, the show that I do for FX.

We were doing, uh, what happens in Vegas with Ashton Kutcher and, uh, natural fit. Sure. Except for the fact that the movie is in Vegas for five minutes and everything else takes back where this is the hit interstitial program,

TV on DVD. Yeah. The sensation DVD on TV. Excuse me. That's fine. I didn't even catch that. I didn't catch the mistake. That's how much, that's how pleasant fine. I didn't even catch that. I didn't catch the mistake. That's how involved I am.

It's a very pleasant program. I watched it at my in-law's house recently. I don't remember what the movie was or anything that you did. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, I mean, you wouldn't. But, so yeah, so we were there for that, and he gave us tickets, and he gave us a choice. He gave me and my co-host a choice of what show we wanted to see. And I did the research, and I said Cher is the obvious choice.

Right. You know what I mean? And this is, so that is a perfect answer to your question. I really did. I had my pick. The last time I was in Vegas, I took myself to see The Beatles, Cirque du Soleil show. That was fantastic. Okay.

Now Celine Dion is back. When you say took yourself, did you go solo? I went solo. I went there five minutes before. Yeah, you can do that and you can get really cheap tickets. If you show up like five minutes before the show, you can do that, and you can get really cheap tickets. If you show up like five minutes before the show starts, you can get like half-priced single tickets. Gotcha. And I had a giant can't-buy-me-love cocktail that was red.

It was red and had vodka in it. Do you still have the souvenir glass? I lost it. Oh, bummer. And I saw it, and it was great. And now Celine Dion is back in the massive theater at Caesars Palace. And the seats where we were sitting, the orchestra seats, $1,325. Good God.

$1,325. When you say Celine Dion, you mean Elvis, right? Celine Dion we all know. Yeah. Who has not made himself at all scarce. You know what I mean? Yeah, right? It's not like this is...

Yeah, sure. She was just on the country awards the other night. Not a country singer at all, but she was there. Yeah, so I would be curious about seeing that. I investigated that. What kind of cool stuff? Does any cool stuff happen in the Cher show? In the Cher show, she changes clothes like a billion times,

and people fucking clap every time she comes out in new clothes. That's kind of cool. It is kind of cool, but it's also like, it's, it's, she, she changed clothes.

What's the stage pattern like? Um, it, it, a little bit awkward. She, she, she makes a point at the top

that she does not employ a writer and it becomes kind of clear. That she's maybe even forced to say that. Yeah, she tells some sort of rambling story. She's very charming

and she's very funny and everything. but it's, Bette Midler's got writers. I think she's very charming and she's very funny and everything. But it's... Bette Midler's got writers. I think she's working with Valanche, right? For sure. Oh, yeah. She's got to be working with Valanche.

But it is partially about the show, which really is a spectacle and it's very glittery and there's a billion songs that you didn't even remember that you knew and liked. And that's all great. But it's really more about the people around you. Because this is some old fucking velvet jacket sure like bejeweled bolo tie fucking old desert gay guys who have come to see this motherfucking show and like and drink desert cake oh for real like they closed their salon for a couple days yeah well you know what i mean to fucking come out and see it and it's like it's crazy it is kind of old old gay you know what

as a native of san franciscan uh i miss i miss the kind of louche 70s homosexual that i remember from my childhood in the and i remember them from the late 1980s don't get me wrong here i on a bit in years yeah like there's plenty of i mean you know. Like there's plenty of, I mean, you know, there's, there's plenty of like, uh, you know, bears or leather guys or your various subcultural gay groups walking around the streets of San Francisco right now.

Right. It's not that fun though. What I miss is a guy. It's not fun for you. It's great for them. Yeah. It's great for them. They're having a blast.

Yeah. Um, but what I, what I do, I do wish there was more like Velvet Jacket and Ascot. Well, for that, you must go to Palm Springs. Oh. That is what Palm Springs is built on. Yeah.

It's like, is that gay guy. Like a scarf around the neck gay guy. It seems fun to me. It is fun I love going up there I love going up there Going to Palm Springs next month I'm hitting them all

I'm getting out into the desert The next couple months Have you been to the Ace Hotel? Any desert homosexual I've been to the Ace Hotel in Portland I've been to the Ace Hotel in Palm Springs It's great, isn't it? Yeah, I found

Something happened Where it was $100 a night or something My wife was like Hey, you want to go to the Ace Hotel in Palm Springs? It's great, isn't it? Yeah, I found there was some thing happened where it was $100 a night or something. And my wife was like, hey, you want to go to the Ace Hotel in Palm Springs? It's real nice. A lot of kids around. Yeah. Which is cool. It's fun.

It's dog friendly. It's a nice thing for me to do with my wife. My wife, Teresa, of course. I feel like I was saying it like as though her name was a secret. It's a nice thing for me to do with Teresa because she can do like some reading and hanging out by the pool while I just go to the thrift store. Yeah. Which is my primary interest.

Sure. And there's a ton of them up there. Nice ones too. You know why? Old gays. Old gays. That's what you need. If you want a good thrift store,

you need old affluent gays. Old gays. Like to get rid of stuff. Yeah. Like to get rid of stuff and they got taste. They got taste and money. Oh, got to get rid of this clutter. Take it to get rid of stuff, and they got taste. They got taste and money. Oh, got to get rid of this clutter.

Take it to the thrift store. Absolutely. What's this? Hmm, oh, let's try this. This is Jesse's size. Were you unfolding a map there? Yeah, then I tried it on. Yeah.

It was my size, though. Do you have to go to Las Vegas, or is that why you're asking for a show? No, I'm just... It just came up. I was just thinking about... I don't think that I could... Even if I had to be in Las Vegas, I don't think I could bring myself

to buy tickets to see Bette Midler. But I've just been thinking lately about the fact that I like Bette Midler and I'd like to see more of Bette Midler just in the world. Yeah, here's the thing. Shows like that and Cher and Celine Dion, Garth Brooks, I think,

is becoming one of those people now. He has an on and off show there. It's just something that you do when you're there. But I don't have a taste for a hurricane at all. Right. But if I'm in New Orleans and I'm walking down Bourbon Street, I'm going to have one because it's what you do. Right. And like when you're in Vegas, you go and you see that dumb glittery fucking show that lasts exactly 90 minutes.

And it's just part of what you do. I do that maybe foolishly with Dunkin' Donuts. Like every time I'm on the East Coast and I'm like, well, I better have two donuts in the middle of the afternoon. And I need to remind myself that no, this isn't food tourism.

It's just a fucking crappy donut. Anyways, but I know what you mean about the hurricane and the expensive show. Sure. You know what? This happened to me recently with Cher, too. I saw Cher on the David Letterman show, and I had no idea she was so funny and great.

She was just hilarious and fantastic. She was like an A-plus guest. What is she promoting? She was burlesque. It was burlesque. God help her. This was six months ago or so. Did anybody see that? I did not see that.

I felt like an actor of rebellion as a homosexual not to see burlesque. I sat it out. Yeah, you probably... Lonely weekend. Burlesque seems like it would be more fun than the Sex and the City movies, frankly. Less meritorious, but just more crazy shit would happen in it that you could enjoy.

Yeah, but Stanley Tucci's also involved in Burlesque. That's right. He's got that going for him. Right. I caught the last maybe 40 minutes of Sex and the City 2 on HBO at home the other night. It was just on. And I had heard how terrible it was, but I hadn't seen it. And I had no interest in seeing it.

But it was on. And Ben was home. And we were like, fuck it. Let's just watch it. It is so bad. Now, is it worse than other Sex and the City things? Yes. Okay.

It is significantly, ridiculously worse. Now, as someone who maybe understands kind of what people like about Sex and the City, I've never liked it myself. I've seen some episodes that were really good. So what about this? And I feel like universally people were like, this thing sucks. So what is it about this that makes it so different than... It was, first of all, they're all a few years older now.

Sure. Which is fine. Everybody ages. Sure. And they're still talented. They're still very talented. It doesn't take away from their talent at all.

I want to be clear that I wasn't being sarcastic. I genuinely think they're talented. I mean, they're all good actresses and everything, but they have them dressed ridiculously

and like, and like with a shit ton of makeup and weird lighting. So they look like hideous. They look like gargoyles. every time they, they do.

I'm not kidding. Every time they go off screen they come back in a new outfit and everyone applauds yeah for real it is yeah it's just all the costume changes and it's also it takes place in abu dhabi right so because somebody got like a suite that's supposed to be really nice and so they all go and and uh samantha kim cattrall uh samantha uh like sort of kisses a guy and it's a big ordeal. And, and they like, cause it's against Sharia law or whatever. And so they, they, yeah, they like take her purse and there's condoms in it and she's, and it's just like, I have sex.

I don't know why she's Southern all of a sudden, but she like, there's this whole big scene where she just yells the word sex and like grinds her pelvis and gives people a finger and it's just like it's like really? And then it's all – Well, those foreigners have crazy rules, Dave. But then – Maybe what you don't know. OK. So they get in trouble with the clerics or whatever and then – What?

And they narrowly escape like a stoning not really but like basically yeah and then and then the whole big thing is they have to get to the plane in time because if they don't they're gonna have to fly coach home and they can't do that so so they so they run away but then but then the the women that's when the stakes really kick in absolutely but then then the the women in the hijabs or whatever uh of the town like say come here and they bring them into this like tea room or whatever. And the women take off their veils and they're all done up in like fancy clothes too. And it's like this moment of just like, hey, we all wear – We have these secret slut parties?

Yeah. Yeah. And it's like – so there's this big long moment of that. but then it's like, oh no, then we have to go back. It's just, it is so, it is so bad. And just watching it, we were like, what's the dumbest possible way this could resolve itself? And it resolved itself exactly that way. Like, I thought, okay, the only way this could get any dumber is if like, because Carrie and Mr. Big are fighting. If Carrie gets back and Mr. Big just gives her a big diamond and then everything is fine she fucking goes back

and he gives her a big diamond and everything's fine and the movie ends god damn it and it apparently begins in it with a gay wedding that liza minnelli is in i missed that part and that seems fine why is it minnelli's fun, though? She's a lot of fun. I watched Arthur for the first time. Creaky chair. A couple nights ago. Yeah. She was great in that. Anyway.

Never saw it. Oh, yeah. But she's, yeah, she seems to be the kind of the precursor to the, you know, Natalie Portman in Garden State. She's the kind of the, that sort of character. She's kind of funny. Yeah, she's great in it. Right.

She's really good in it. In real life, she's kind of funny. Yeah, she is funny. Yeah, she's nuts in it she's really good in real life she's kind of funny yeah she is funny yeah she's nuts but she but she but she has a good time with it sure have you seen there's a super cut of her on uh of her appearances on uh on larry king just cackling it's fucking great but that is seriously like every time you ask her a question and she was on that show like twice a week for the last five years. She was always on Larry King. Was she commentating on stuff? No, she would just always be there.

He would always interview her. They were secret lovers. Probably. She wrote a lot of the material for his stand-up tour. He was going on a stand-up tour, right? Is that real? Yes, that's real. Good Lord.

He booked dates. Anything that he asked her, like, so do you think you'll ever do a Broadway show again? Ha! Me? Like, yeah, you. It's just the two of you there. Yeah. You're Liza Minnelli.

There's nobody else. You're Liza Minnelli. I mean, it would stand. You're known for your singing and acting. Yeah, I've been on Broadway a lot. It's not an outrageous question. He's not talking to Des Moines, Iowa on the phone. Yeah, he's not talking to Des Moines, Iowa.

Are you going to do a Broadway show, Des Moines, Iowa? Oh, Lord. Columbus, Ohio. Are you going to do a Broadway show, Des Moines, Iowa? Columbus, Ohio. Are you going to do a Broadway show? Have you watched Piers Morgan at all? Eugene, Oregon. Eugene, Oregon. Would you like to do a Broadway show? I watched some Piers Morgan

and found him forced. I felt like his outrageousness was pretty forced and I didn't find him delightful or outrageous even though I was maybe supposed to. I had a telephone conversation with a television agent recently and it was just somebody, somebody who's based in New York

who heard me on WNYC and called. And he just goes, he goes, you know, Larry King retired recently. I'm not saying you, but you know, you never know. No, not me. Not me. Pierce Morgan. Let's be honest.

Who was it? Dave Holmes, maybe. I'm not going to say. I'm not going to say who the guy was. Come on. He was a nice, he was a, honestly, outside of that ridiculous thing he said, he was, he seemed perfectly, perfectly nice. But it's nice when they say those things.

It's just, you just remember that his job is just to say crazy things until something happens. Say crazy shit until something happens. Until you're making a movie about sex in Abu Dhabi. Right. Okay, we're 40 minutes into the intro segment of this program. So Jordan, Jesse, go. We'll be back in just a second. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Jordan, Jesse, go. We'll be back in just a second.

Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, bullying detective. Oh, and I, am I, do I do the same one? Dave, just do it. Well, okay. Okay. I'm Dave Holmes, the king of beers. Oh, I like that one.

Yeah, it's really fun. Dave, thank you for coming on this program, by the way. Certainly. Always a pleasure. It's always a pleasure to have Dave Holmes on the show, Jordan. Thank you very much. I'm not lying here. No, you're not.

Just today, I'm sitting at dinner. I'm sitting at dinner with my beautiful wife. Her name's Teresa, by the way. Sure. I'm sitting at dinner with my wife wife. Her name's Teresa, by the way. Sure. I'm sitting at dinner with my wife, Teresa. We're eating some food. She says, are you looking forward to podcasting? This is what I said to her.

I said, I'm a little bit tired. I have a lot of equipment to set up. I'm not really looking forward to that. But I know Dave Holmes is coming over, so it's going to be fun and easy. It's going to be a breeze because Dave Holmes is going to be here. The man's a pro and a delight. Thank you. Thank you. That's what I said to my wife. Thank you. You can check. You can check

with her. I will. I'll wait. We'll wait here. You go check with her. I don't think that'll be compelling. No? No, I don't. Just. But it'll be really dramatic when he goes and checks and he finds out it's all a lie. Brother. What have you said recently that is nice about me, Gordon?

Remember when I said that I thought your nickname, King of Beers, was funny? Oh, that is recent. That was very recent. And I said it. That counts. It's true. Dave Holmes, of course, you know him from the television DVD show. Sure.

On the Fox Network. Sure. Yeah, that is a thing. Television served Fox network. Sure. Yeah. That is a thing. Television served fresh daily. Yes. Right? FX.

Yeah. Television served fresh daily. It's back when they had mostly puppet-based shows, right? Dave. Yeah, they did have that morning show. With the puppet, yeah. There needs to be something like that. Dave, of course, is the host of the show where you get your thing appraised live on air and then someone can buy it by calling in.

That's the FX show that Dave hosts. He's also the star of Justified. He's also Timothy Oliphant. That dude. Oh, sorry. No, I just like the body on that guy is ridiculous. Is he super ripped? No, it's not that he's super ripped.

He's just sturdy. He's just solid. Yeah. They shoot him from these angles, and it's like, what is this side lower pectoral thing? Yeah. He's got some extra muscles. He does. He's got weird, like, corners and angles. Do you find him fantastic? Because I, I guess I had not,

it had not occurred to me that he was notably attractive until recently. Someone just said something about how he was like the most attractive person in the world. He is among the most attractive. What are some of your favorite Timothy Oliphant roles, Dave? Uh, well,

what are some of, what are some of your favorite Timothy Oliphant surprising muscle curves? I can die hard for that first. I will speak to that first. Because I swear, I saw him on Sunset Boulevard. I was driving my car. He was crossing Sweetser toward the Standard. And I was heading east.

And he was crossing the street. It was a windy day. And he had on a t-shirt. And it was blowing. And it just, like, it fucking, fucking it just the way that it grabbed on to his incredible chest i swear to god i very nearly drove into the cabo cantina like i just probably would have done the world a favor oh take that place i love that place that's another story sure but yeah no uh i can't say that he's ever he did that he did a gay movie called uh the broken

hearts club which was not good, but I saw it twice. Sure. He was in Scream 2. Uh-huh. Where they shoot him from that angle, and that was where I first really noticed him. Wait, Timothy Oliphant was in Scream 2? He was. He was the killer in Scream 2. I haven't seen any screams.

I do enjoy that Justified television program, though. That's an excellent show. Yeah, it's good. It's good. When it's not upsetting me. Sometimes it upsets me too much yeah uh at first it seemed like it was going to be like a like like 70 procedural uh 30 uh plot right and that the plot would not usually be that upsetting yeah um but in the second season they've gone all upsetting with the plot they have not seen the second season, they've gone all upsetting with the plot. They have not seen the second season yet.

It's upsetting, but it's still an excellent television program. Frequently, I wait because I work at FX, and one of the perks is that they'll send you DVDs, if you ask. And so I frequently will just not watch for a long time and then just ask for a whole season on DVD. It makes me feel good. Because you're on— You get a whole bunch of DVDs messengered. I don't have a lot of i don't have a lot of messenger into your office they will messenger when people once in a while i had never once in a while someone will messenger something to me and it will always be for some reason these studios are obsessed with messengering things to

people yeah there's no reason ever to messenger something to the Sound of Young America. Ever. For one thing, we're literally 25 miles from where all the messengers are messengering things back and forth in show business land. Yeah. You're far away and they can scan it. Yeah. You know? It's never like

a thing that you need to... It's not like... If it's a DVD, they can overnight it. Yeah. Or they can overnight it, right? Yeah, yeah. Or they can just send you a file via email. But it's wonderful every time because these messengers show up at the door. And of course, the sound of being America, it's just my house. And so they're just there and they have this sad, confused look on their face.

Like, I get paid by the fucking job. I am 20 miles from the Sunset Strip. Yeah. I had to, like, ride my moped here. Is there a non- treacherous way to get here? I don't know. It's... God, shit, I don't know. But these sad

men... And they're always very polite. It's not like... I think a Los Angeles messenger may be a little bit sad men and they're always very polite it's not like i think a los angeles a los angeles messenger may be um a little bit less brusque than a san francisco messenger because they may be in a ford fiesta rather than on a fixie um but uh it's it's always it's always amusing and a little bit sad when they get here and they're just like, I have to messenger this to a guy at his house. Yeah. Well, that's all they do.

On the east side. That's okay. You're not the furthest out. Right. Because they got to bring it to like Fran Drescher or whatever. They got to bring a script

to Fran Drescher. Atop a mountain. I've actually had to specifically, I've actually specifically had to deliver scripts to Fran Drescher. Really?

That's probably why you pulled that specific. That's what I was thinking of. She lives in Malibu. Okay. Yeah, see? It's actually relatively easy to get to Drescher's house. Some of Drescher's co-stars lived in Ventura.

Oh, wow. I know. What's that? Wow. Yeah, it seems like there's a segment of showbiz person who kind of even takes a little pride of saying, fuck it, I'm not going to live in L.A. Which, you know, I get it. But also, I have to drive out there. So fuck you.

You know what, though? Here's the thing about it. If you move to Ventura, you're really just doubling your L.A.-ness. Yeah. Because it's not way different from LA. It's mostly just shittier than LA. Yeah.

And also, you have to do all the shitty part of LA, which is going from one thing to another, ten times as much. Right. Right.

But there is a strawberry festival. That's true. Good point. I've heard it's nice. Point taken. I've heard it's nice. Jordan,

speaking of strawberries, I want to talk to you about this thing that you've been obsessing over. And I feel like every week over the past six to eight weeks, as we've come in... Oh, this buildup will kill it. Okay. No, no, no.

No, no, no. What's going on? You've mentioned, you've said to me before we started, hey, I do kind of want to talk about Jamba Juice. That's true. And you've never pushed it on me. No, no, no, sure. It's just every week you've been dutiful about saying,

I'd kind of like to talk about this funny Jamba Juice, this odd thing about Jamba Juice. And in my head, it has grown to near mythic proportions. Oh, boy. So what's going on? So you're thinking, I fucked someone in the back of a Jamba Juice. Right. Or you fucked a Jamba Juice.

Oh, boy. He once got busy in a Jamba Juice back. Sure. That's the modern update. Okay. I have... Well, actually, God, I mean, this even predates my getting rid of sugar. Right.

Because Jamba Juice is right out because of my... I have a no sugar policy, Dave. I think we maybe... We have discussed it. Jordan's doing great, by the way. Yeah, you seem to be. I feel great. Looking hale and hearty. Thank you. Yes. And the cravings have died recently.

There was a point where I had this kind of near sexual fixation on like breakfast treats, like a pancake, like a Danish. And it was just really ruining all of my days. Let's be clear, not the good ones, like a Danish. Oh, shit. And it was just really ruining all of my days. Let's be clear, not the good ones like donuts, just Danishes.

Oh, a Danish. Yeah, you know, you're scraping. Just one of those. You're really craving it. Just one of those thousand calorie Starbucks Danishes. I wanted to cram one right in my face. Boy, that's low. Anyways, but Jamba Juice is one of the kind of walking distance things from my office.

Right. Which is where? It's kind of like Santa Monica Sepulveda. Kind of right by, kind of right pre, we're talking pre Santa Monica. Gotcha. And every time I would go in there, you know, jamba juice's thing is you know fuel for healthy living i don't think that's their exact slogan but it's something like that it's something like fuel for a healthier you and you know there's like a mural on the wall of people riding bikes

and there is uh you know and they have like a like a shelf of impulse items that's like a book about wheatgrass and a no bpa water bottle and there's all these things power for community school yeah right no exactly and and yeah something by a protein for cleaning up our shores yeah something and something for a like a book by uh some sort of ceo who rides a recumbent bike. Luna bars for everyone. Sure. Oh, you know they got Luna bars there. And wheatgrass juice.

Little wheatgrass shots. Yeah, little wheatgrasses. And I think the secret is out. The Jamba juice is not good for you. That's terrible. That most of them are just made with a scoop of ice cream. It's a milkshake. And some frozen bananas.

ice cream it's a milkshake and some frozen bananas but you would think that they would try and you know further their image as you know healthy living for a healthier tomorrow by hiring employees that didn't look like they were about to die their employees are the most sickly, unfit, shaky, like jonesing for something teen meth heads that I've ever seen in my life. And it's not just that like, oh, well, this gal's a little chubby or like that guy could do a couple sit-ups. It's like these are weirdly shaped. Like their hair looks sweaty. Yeah, like, and you'd think that, like, I don't even want them to do an Abercrombie. I know, like, when you work at Abercrombie, you have to, like, take your shirt off in the interview. You can't be Asian.

Yeah, sure. There's all these restrictions. And I'm not even saying that, but you would think they would at least not hire the chubby bearded guy with a facial scar. Right. Yeah, somebody with a teardrop tattoo. So I'm wondering, I mean, obviously Jamba Juice is doing fine and they're all over the place, so something's working for them. But are there, I'm just saying why, I know you have to hire teens teens minimum wage teens but like are these the most attractive ones you can find and why don't you care is there any prestige in working in a jamba juice probably not and maybe you can give your friends free jambas right and maybe that's the

thing maybe it is so sugary that it's just let them down the other yeah maybe they were good looking when they started working there they've just do you think what their looks with jamba maybe it's not prestigious because they don't let you give your friends free Jambas. All you get is an extra boost. If your friend orders a smoothie, they can get a second boost. Fem boost. I want there to be a Faces of Jamba Juice thing. Like that Faces of Meth where it's like, here's Brittany when she first got the job.

Here she is now Yeah no teeth Yeah I know that this I know that this is A weird eye I know that this is something that like A guy in like

In the theater department Of a small state college That wears a black leather duster would do I did used to have a lot of fun Asking for the fem boost at Jamba juice really it's just fun it's fun and what was it i don't know they're all i don't know what any of them are it doesn't matter which one you order years god it's been so long since i've been there i you know what's really fun is uh the uh the young kids at uh at cold stone creamery yes sometimes when I'm going to a Cold Stone

Creamery, sorry to... Are the cravings back now? I was anticipating the story that I'm hoping you'll tell about the embarrassing singing. Yeah, when you tip, they have to sing. No, but a Cold Stone would give me such a fucking boner right now. Anyway, continue.

No, that's all there is to it. If you give them a dollar in their tip jar, continue. No, I mean, that's all there is to it. If you pay, if you give them a little, a dollar in their tip jar, they have to sing a song and they hate it. Oh, they hate it. And there's, there's nothing better to me.

Johnny Rockets does it also. Yeah, oh yeah. If you put My Kind of Town on the jukebox, they have to sing. And they do it with just these dead eyes and stone faces

and like, and there's a little dance and they just fucking sing and it's just, there's nothing better to me than joyless dancing and singing. I don't know why. I love it.

I love it. I love it. Is that why you enjoyed so much about the Cher show? Yeah, totally. Joyless. Just routine. Obligating. Her face, you could not tell if she was having any kind of emotions at all.

She's had much work done, ladies and gentlemen. Did anybody happen to see the Academy of Country Music Awards last night? Oh, of course. having any kind of emotions at all. She's had much work done, ladies and gentlemen. Did anybody happen to see the Academy of Country Music Awards last night? Oh, of course. I didn't. No? Don't tell me who won. I got a Tivo.

No, it's just now, what, like, Sugarfoot won the award. Sugarfoot. Sugarfoot. Owl Party. Huh? Owl Party.

I don't know. Yeah, there are a billion bands I had never heard of. I don't dislike country music. I don't like it there are a billion bands I had never heard of I don't dislike country music I don't like it enough That I would watch The award shows If they weren't

Fun to make fun of Right But they are They are really Fucking fun to make fun of Yeah I'd like to Maybe hear some of the Finer points of the

Well it's just The whole thing is just It's everything's gotta be Super folksy You know what I mean Like it's It's like Like

Like with Cher And Sex in the city and gay things like there are certain words you have to say fierce a thousand times you gotta fucking have some big black woman singing every note and like it's just there there's certain things that are just like that you check off right and like in a country show it's just like everything is just like y'all and well and i sure do sure do appreciate this. But everybody acts the exact same way. And it's fascinating. And they look ridiculous. The hair is like twice as big.

Winona Judd was – the Judds came out to give an award. And Winona Judd is 13 feet tall. And she wears these huge, long coats with shoulder pads, so she looks like a monster. It sounds like, if I was going to make an analogy, John Travolta in Battlefield Earth.

Yes. Yeah. But she had this fake spray tan that was literally the only thing that I could liken it to was the top of a mustard bottle after it's been out in the sun for a really long day of a cookout like somewhere between yellow and orange and but and brown but not not a natural brown like a food coloring brown with sure and orange it was just it was just start to finish fascinating i i could watch the country

you know what's a nice thing? I want to say a nice thing about the world of country music. This is something I read. They treat people right. I read this. I also, I kind of like country music, except that so much country music gets so close to kind of soft rock, which I really don't like.

Right. And so I like a pretty country Like I like fiddles And I do like steel guitars I like both of those things I like somebody that can really sing Which you get a lot of in country music But anyway These days a lot of the country music singers

They sing like shitty R&B singers though Yeah everybody does I know god it sucks It really sucks I can't wait for it to be over Even R&B singers, though. Yeah. Everybody does. I know. God, it sucks. It really sucks. I can't wait for it to be over. Even R&B singers sing like that. Yeah. Oh, God.

It is so terrible. Anyway. American Idol is the worst offender of that whole thing. I don't remember what the fuck I was going to say. I don't either. What was I leaning into?

Who cares? I don't know. Something you like about the world of country music. Oh, this is what it is. Okay, so there's this guy called, he's one about the world of country music. Oh, this is what it is. Okay, so there's this guy called... He's one of the most famous country guys. I think his name's Brad something.

Brad Paisley? Maybe. No, that's a guy who kicks ass, isn't it? This is a guy who's... No, that's Toby Keith. Okay. Well, this guy that I'm thinking of, his big thing is that he always gives away his cowboy his cowboy hats that's brad that's brad paisley okay so i read this article about brad paisley and the new yorker wait for it the new yorker yeah um where you go for information on country music

that is not at all condescending sure and i uh number one and then and then i saw this brad paisley i saw him on the david letterman program Now, David Letterman did not know what to do with Brad Paisley, who seems like a decent guy, but he has that. He wasn't singing. He was just getting interviewed, right? Yeah. Well, then he sang. First he was interviewed, then he sang.

And he has that quality that I think Garth Brooks perfected, which is seeming like you're from nowhere and have nothing to say about anything yeah um and his song was called water that was this it was a huge hit song the song that he performed right i'm getting to the part that i like okay but his song is called water and literally what this is what the song is about it's about how much he's enjoyed various forms of water, like pools and going to the beach and going to the lake and fishing. It's

called water. Glass or bottled water? It's about water. Okay. And there's no surprises in this song. No curveballs at all. Doesn't like turn out to be about... Yeah, it's not like his son drowns or something. No. It's not one of those. It's not a... No, there's like a little...

One of those aliens and signs that dies when you put water on it. Oh, yes. And then I used water to defeat aliens. There is a little metaphorical twist in it. I mean, part of that New Yorker article was about how all his songs are just about something really normal, and then at the end, there's a little metaphorical twist. Right. But...

What is the metaphorical twist in water? I don't remember what the metaphorical twist in water is. Let's speculate on what the metaphorical twist at the end of water might be. Could be religious, baptismal, maybe. Could be baptismal. Could be... He once almost died of that thing where you drink too much water while you're running a marathon.

Yeah, his wife died drinking too much water trying to win the family a Nintendo Wii. I remember that. A radio contest. Real person died. Yeah. Real person died. Maybe not funny much water trying to win the family a Nintendo Wii. I remember that. A radio contest. A real person died. A real person died. Maybe not funny.

Tried to win a Wii. Yeah, I can't imagine. Maybe that's the kind of thing that passes for funny on the Fox network. Dave, since you're on Fox, can you say... Here's what I like. Can I very quickly just... I'm sorry. No, that's fine.

But I saw Garth Brooks in concert in Central Park when he did a Central Park concert in like 96, 97. And he- You had to be there. He had to be there. I lived a couple blocks away at the time and it was like, you can't not go, right? But after every fucking song, he, and this won't make sense to the listener because you can't see me, but after after every song he does a huge pose

with a fist in the air and his back to the crowd for the listener you kind of look like Ultraman kind of like that but with his back to the crowd and the crowd would go nuts and he would turn around and go wow thank you

for the applause he had never heard the sound of people clapping their hands before like it was it was it was literally after every song like for me for that wow okay thank you wow thank you thank you so much wow guys but thank you this is the thing this is the thing that I like, and it applies to Garth Brooks as well. I like that in country music, an old person can make a hit record. I like that, too. I think that's great.

I like that, too. Old people have things to say. Yeah. About water. Old people have perspectives. Pools. They want to talk about how much they enjoyed the pool. Okay, look.

We've got a lot more stuff to do on this week's program so we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i am jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you call sort of a Jumbotron program. Oh. In this program, you can pay some money and get your message on the Jumbotron. I'll be darned. In audio form. So, let's talk about this. Welcome, Troop 486. Exactly. Burbank.

That's the kind of shit we do. Give people anniversary messages. Nice. Congratulate people on their babies. Plug people's blogs. Love it. We did actually, we asked a guy, we asked a guy babies, plug people's blogs. We did actually, we asked a guy for his wife to marry him. Yeah.

I know that sentence doesn't make sense. We asked a guy for his wife to marry him. Let's parse it. We proposed to a man's girlfriend. On behalf of a gentleman. Okay. All right. And she said yes. We asked for a guy whose wife to marry him.

And she said yes. We asked for a guy whose wife to marry him. And how could you not with something as romantic as having two doofuses do it on a podcast? Did it work? Yeah, it worked. It worked. Good. Okay, here we go.

What do we got this week? Special sponsor. We've got this special sponsor for the months of April, May, and June. They're back. Fuzzy Balls Apparel. Oh, yeah. Remember they sent us that big box of cool stuff? And I've been enjoying it.

The Fuzzy Balls products have been great. I've gotten a lot of compliments on my Fuzzy Balls t-shirts. Yep. They make your t-shirts. They got your tiny collectible toys. Sure. Oh, these lovable characters. Mm-hmm. These distinctive and lovable characters.

What kind of t-shirts? Tell me about these t-shirts. Oh, they've just got funny characters on them. Some of them have nerd slogans on them There's one that's a kind of a Unicorn Battlestar Galactica mashup I got a lovely pint glass Yeah

Nothing too annoying Yeah no it's great It's handsome It's nothing you would get on snorg tees Yeah This is not a snorg tease situation Very charming characters too Absolutely Anyway here's the deal Go to fuzzyballsapparel.com Tease. Yeah. This is not a snorg tease situation. Very charming characters, too. Absolutely.

Anyway, here's the deal. Go to fuzzyballsapparel.com. A special gift if you put JJ Go in the notes. The guy who runs Fuzzy Ball Apparel does the art. He's a big Jordan Jesse Go fan. That's how come he's doing this. And that's how come he's offering that special gift. Nice.

So just when you buy something, you just put JJ Go in the notes. And then he will send you a special extra thing. Okay. I'm going to do something, you just put JJ Go in the notes, and then he will send you a special extra thing. Okay. I'm going to do that. Next up. Here's the deal. We've been gone for a while, so we got kind of a backlog.

We had to take some time off while I moved, and we were pledge driving before that, so we've got all these cool messages from thoughtful people. Left Handed Radio, a sketch comedy podcast. Half hour of sketch comedy every month online at lefthandedradio.com They say they're in the vein of the Fireside Theater or that Mitchell and Webb sound. Which I've never listened to

that Mitchell and Webb sound. I probably should. I like Mitchell and Webb. Yeah, I enjoy their... Don't understand the snooker jokes, but... That's fine. There's a lot of snooker humor.

There's a fair amount of snooker humor. Jesse, I'm into the further seasons of that Mitchell and Webb look, and I can say that those snooker characters do not make a return appearance. Oh, really? They're a season one only thing. Oh, excellent. Okay, fantastic. Anyway, they're great.

This is fun. I have this important note from Teresa who books these things. They ask that you play the Jurassic Park theme during this plug, which I know you won't be able to do. Can't do that. Do either of you guys know how the Jurassic Park theme goes? Here come dinosaurs. Lefthandedradio.com.

That's the one. Here come dinosaurs. Okay, here we go Match by match A folk duo Out of Thought it was a dating website Ann Arbor Michigan Where we are headed

Yeah Maybe we should have Match by match on the show Not gonna happen Not gonna happen Folk duo No sir No sir

We did try and book Jeff Daniels Who lives in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Jeff Daniels? Yeah. Julia told me his publicist was really nice and he's down to do something else. He happens to be in L.A. because he's in this play that just came from Broadway and is running in L.A. now. But he lives in Ann Arbor. Have you ever had to messenger scripts to Michigan?

No, I did not have to drive my Toyota Corolla to Michigan during my PA days. Match by Match folk rock duo of Gray Bouchard on guitar and vocals

and Melissa Coppola on accordion, piano, and vocals. Free downloads at matchbymatch.com. And they are working on one of these Kickstarters to record their album, which is called American Crowbar. So you can go to matchbymatch.com slash Kickstarter

if you want to contribute to it. Among the gifts you can get if you contribute to it, Match by Match books, limited edition cassette and vinyl singles. I recently learned that K-singles were coming back as an ironic hipster thing. I thought irony was mostly gone

in the world of hipsters, but that is pure irony. There are advantages to vinyl. There are no advantages to the K-single. There are no advantages to the K-single. No car can play them now, so stop it. There is one advantage to the single.

That's easier access to Lay Your Head on My Pillow by Tony, Tony, Tony. It's an easy way to get your hands on Rub Shaker by Rex and Effect. You can also, when they

come unraveled, you have a use for a pencil. Oh, yeah. Which is also kind of useless these days. Jordan, I have a question for you. Yeah. Maybe on these live shows that we're doing in theed, you have a use for a pencil. Oh, yeah. Which is also kind of useless these days. Jordan, I have a question for you. Maybe on these live shows that we're doing in the Midwest, can we bring back the King of Kissingles?

Oh, well, that's deep. That's deep, Jordan Jesse Go. This was a character we did. This started on The Sound of Young America when we were in college, didn't it? It might have been. Did we ever do it on Jordan Jesse Go? I don't know. We might have done it once on Jordan Jesse Go.

Maybe not. This was just a character. There was just me talking like this and just talking about Kasingles. That was it. I loved Kasingles back in the day. I really did. It was music on the go.

I saw the sign by Ace of Base. And they used to come they used to as cds did they used to come in long boxes yeah so they could fit in in like album racks and stuff they started coming out in like 88 and i got my license in 87 so i was very into the casingle you got your license to buy casingles i got my license for uh to carry a concealed casingle but no it was great i mean you would get a song in your head and you would go to the record store I got my license to carry a concealed casingle. But no, it was great. I mean, you would get a song in your head and you would go to the record store and you would buy the thing on fucking casingle. Okay, so if you're interested in casingles or hand-knitted scarves or just folk rock duos from Ann Arbor, Michigan,

please check out Match by Match. They're online at matchbymatch.com where you can download their music absolutely 1,000% for free and help them make their album and all that cool stuff. I bet they're online at match by match.com where you can download their music absolutely 1000% for free and help them make their album and all that cool stuff i bet they're cool you know what i think they're probably cool they're like us sure yeah they got pluck my my brothers my brothers have started listening to this program uh this is new uh and i i'm terrified that i'm gonna that i said something horrible about them in the past. I feel like they would have brought it up by now. They both told me they've now listened to the back catalog of Jordan, Jesse, Go. But I'm worried that I'm going to say something terrible about my brothers.

And it's going to make them feel bad. I love them. Hey, John, Brendan, I love you guys. You're great young man and teen. Oh, you got much younger brothers. Yeah, they're much younger than me. One of them's 21, 2-ish. 22-ish.

The other one's 16-ish. Wow. Yeah. That's real young. I am that. I do. Look, if you think I don't know their birthdays, I do know what month their birthdays are in. That's something.

Speaking of birthdays, by the way, we have a happy birthday to Debbie. Oh. from Michael. This is what Michael says. He says, number one, Debbie's name is Debbie, not Deborah, as her mother would quickly remind you. That's the kind of little inside stuff that we love to share. Absolutely.

We love to share that kind of thing. It gives it texture. Absolutely. Michael says that, as Jimmy Pardo would say, or all of our friends, Jimmy Pardo, not so much you, Jordan. Yeah, I didn't like you. Sorry. I'll put my hands up.

He's been very vocal about that. He makes snap judgments. Hey, it's fine. And they're probably correct. I'm not a complicated person. Pretty easy to figure out. He says that his wife, whose birthday it is, gets it. Oh.

Isn't that nice? Although maybe, you know, obviously it's your commercial message you can do what you want to, but maybe you should have included a reference to our podcast. I don't know. That's a really good point. But you can do whatever you want to. It's your message. Yeah.

Look, this is what he says. He says that she's beautiful, kind, funny, and generous to a fault And he says he is the third luckiest man on the face of the earth Behind me, my beautiful wife Teresa And Lou Gehrig Who had the appreciation of all of the fans And a great baseball career That made him the luckiest And then a terrible disease Ultimately, though baseball career that made him the luckiest and then a terrible ultimately though he regarded himself as

the luckiest man. Yeah. He was a, he was foolish. Yeah. It was a mistake. Right. Um,

anyway, he says that sometimes her birthday gets lost in the shuffle because they have a nephew, uh, named Simon who's four years old and it's right around the same time. In fact, literally the same day, um, uh, that, uh, who's four years old and it's right around the same time in fact literally the same day that he loves his wife more than any adorable four-year-old nephew that's nice so it always gets lost in the shuffle the last four years yeah what was the excuse before it always well

yeah there was a lot of excuses before i mean before it was too sleepy it's april 3rd So before it was like still hung over From the wild Shit that went down on April Fool's Day Anticipation of Arbor Day Tricked into taking heroin Yeah during April Fool's Day That is not a good April Fool's Preparations for Earth Day

In 19 days. Certainly, that's coming up. Of course. I mean, my birthday is exactly one month after that. So, I mean, they've got to start getting excited for my birthday. My birthday is April 24th. So, these are stuff that they're anticipating. You know what I mean.

April showers. Of course, May flowers. Got to plant. Got to plant before the April showers. Absolutely. So, there's a lot of reasons. There's those damn Ides of March. There's still stupid Id, of course. Mayflowers. Got to plant. Got to plant before the April showers. Right, absolutely. So there's a lot of reasons. There's those damn Ides of March. There's still stupid Ides of March.

Still hanging around. Still having struck. The lion and the lamb. You got to usher them in and out. Sure. These are all reasons why Michael does not love his wife, Debbie. And Debbie, you know, honestly, if it's your birthday, stand up. Stand up for yourself for once in your life, Debbie.

And say, it's my birthday. Celebrate me. Look, if he tries to get fresh, just kick him in the balls. Here's the order. Shins, balls, eyes. Oh, I'd go throat. Throat. Shins, balls, throat. You're looking to incapacitate now. You gotta incapacitate this.

Fuck, Michael. Fuck this asshole. Take him out. Get him in your sights and take him down. When you hit it, when you hit it, just a real sharp, no!

Yeah. Like a really good, no! That is my purse. Right. That is my purse. Yeah. Okay.

Anyway, if you want to have a message, we've had so many, we've had so much interest, we had to raise the prices a little bit. Sure. $200 for a commercial message. We've had so much interest, we had to raise the prices a little bit. Sure. $200 for a commercial message.

We've kept the price for a personal message, $100. So $200 for a commercial message, $100 for a personal message. We'll put it out there on Jordan Jesse Go. Just email Teresa at Teresa at MaximumFun.org. Hey, I don't think we should let all this stuff go by without mentioning one more time that we're headed to the Middle West. Sure. Where? That's where Mr. Dave Holmes is from.

He's from St. Louis, Missouri. I'm from St. Louis, Missouri. You've done your research. Thank you. Home of the Gateway Arch. That's correct. Most people say arches. The St. Louis Cardinals.

Yes. St. Louis. St. Louis. St. Louis style barbecue. Yeah. And St. Louis style pizza. If you St. Louis-style barbecue. Yeah, and St. Louis-style pizza. If you're passing through, you should get some. Is there a St. Louis-style pizza? Yes, there is. What is it?

Well, it's thin crust. They smoke it for like six, eight hours. For 12 hours. No, it's thin crust, and there's this cheese food that they use called Provelve. It's sort of, it's like Velveeta and Provolone had a baby. Okay. And it's coated in that. It's very gooey.

It's so fucking good. Huh. Yeah, people who did not grow up in St. Louis who then have St. Louis pizza are uniformly absolutely disgusted by it. But if you grew up with it, as I did, I love it and I crave it. It is the definition of pizza to you. Absolutely. That is what pizza is.

And you cut it into squares. Sounds great. Here's what we got on the docket. We're going to be in Ann Arbor. We're going to be in Chicago. Tickets are on sale now. April 13th at the Second City, The Sound of Young America Live.

Here's who I've got. I've got public radio celebrity Peter Sagal, professional wrestler slash improv and stand-up comedian Colt Cabana. These wrestling people are so excited that Colt Cabana's coming on the program. Colt Cabana himself and his publicist both sent me really nice emails and said,

Colt really loves Jordan Jesse going to Sound of Young America. He's the only professional comedian slash professional wrestler. I just couldn't pass up the opportunity.

No. Just because when else are you going to get to talk to a guy who is a professional wrestler slash professional comedian? Is he WWE or CW? He's the champion.

He recently became the champion of, I want to say, the WCW. Okay. I might be getting that wrong. I don't need any emails from wrestling nerds. Right. But he became the champion of something. And Zach Linder, who came on our program once to explain why people like wrestling to us he told me that this guy's legit

I checked in I didn't want to just let anybody on the show he's legit we've got some great stand-up comics on the show also Robbie Fulks. Some stand-up conics? Some stand-up conics. They're shaped like cones. They're

canonical. They only stand up if you put They're shaped like cones. They're canonical. They only stand up if you put the wide end down. Of course. Yeah. We've got Robbie Fulks doing some of his... Wow. Canonical.

Canonical is their canon. Canonical. They're like cones. Yeah. Okay. Then Jordan and Jesse go in Ann Arbor on April 15th.

April 16th, Jordan and I will be giving talks in Ann Arbor at the Ann Arbor Public Library. 100% freeth. April 16th, Jordan and I will be giving talks in Ann Arbor at the Ann Arbor Public Library, 100% free. And April 17th, we're having a big blowout, Jordan and Jesse Goh in Chicago at the Second City with our pals, my brother and me, and special host, stand-up comedian Dan Telfer.

Ah, I like him. So it's going to be a lot of fun. Tickets on sale now. No excuse to not buy tickets to all three shows because Ann Arbor is not even that far from Chicago. Who are you talking to? Who are we talking to? Yeah, do you know? Who's your demo for the talks?

Chicagoans. I know, but like... Oh, for the talks? Yeah. Ann Arborites. Ann Arborites. Young people. I don't know because these events are put on by the library.

Okay, so kids. Do you think it's going to be children? Do you think this is going to be a Jesse Talks to Teens type situation? Are you going to sit backwards on a chair before you do it? I would love to have had shows like your shows when I was a teenager. Because you were hanging out at the library anyway. Absolutely. Shooting dice behind.

Looking at microfilm. No, but truly, the world of podcast would have been so good for me as a teenager. They didn't have Fiche yet. They did not yet have Fiche. No, no, no. No Fiche. No Fiche. At least not in St. Louis.

They hadn't reached St. Louis. It was a special kind of Fiche. They were St. Louis style. Sure. Kind of a cheese whiz on top. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. least not in st louis it was a it was a special kind of fish there's st louis style sure uh kind of a cheese whiz on top yeah sure yeah no i would i would have dug podcasting when i was yeah no i bet i would have too i bet it would have been like helpful in your awkward years yeah for sure yeah it would have been ska like in that sense exactly yes i would the podcast would have taken the place of ska music for me and. And Arts High School for me. And what?

Arts High School. Arts High School. Ska and making VHS tapes of Mystery Science Theater episodes. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. wrenches. Need a wrench? I'll bring it. Can you hand me a crescent? I'm going to bring it over and then I'll give it to you. I need a socket real quick. I just bring it.

Throw me a deuce. You don't hand? Throw me a deuce. Yeah, it's a wrench title. A wrench name. The title of a popular wrench. I recommend, Jordan, that you head down to your local auto parts store. A wrench name A wrench title The title of a popular wrench Yes A douche wrench I recommend Jordan That you head down

To your local auto parts store Yep The first guy you see That's wearing the uniform Of the auto parts store Give him one of those Throw me a douche Hey throw me a douche

Hey Hey Pauly Throw me a douche Hey What's this wrench titled Yeah What's the title Of this popular wrench

Dave you'll likely remember That on our program We ask that our listeners give us a telephone call when something momentous happens to them for a segment called Momentous Occasions. They pick up the phone, 206-984-4FUN. They've probably got it programmed into their cell phones, which we encourage people to do

so they don't have to try and remember it while it's happening. Then they call it in and they tell us what's happening. That's what's going on here. The call's been screened by Lindsay who's been doing a great job and will never be fired and you don't have to worry about her

she's great were people worried? obviously well I was I was saying that I was going to fire her because she did she did a bad job

at the beginning but it's not her fault everybody's got to learn yeah what did she do? what did she mess up? she didn't pick good calls. They were a little boring.

Okay. But it might have been the listeners' fault. Was that her boring listeners? Yeah, it was probably the listeners' fault. You know what? If you're listening to this show right now, stop being so fucking boring. Get out and do something. You're fired.

You're fired from listening to my show. Get out. Make a choice. Do something. Stop enjoying it. Why do you listen to podcasts all the time? Get out. Make a choice. Do something. Stop enjoying it. Why do you listen to podcasts all the time? Go outside. Start a podcast. Everyone else

is. Anyway. Both Lindsay and our listeners have gotten a lot better. And so there's no reason to worry about her. I'll probably fire Jordan. What the fuck does he do around here? I've been dead weight for a while. I get it.

Hey Jordan, hey Jesse, hey Go. This is Dan calling from Toronto with a momentous occasion. Maybe sugar's the key ingredient. It would really help my performance. Stop talking about wrench titles. Wrench titles. God bless you. Okay, here we go.

Hey Jordan, hey Jesse, hey Go. This is Dan calling fromonto with a momentous occasion or moment of shame potentially like all of my occasions we should be clear that we also have a segment called moments of shame where you call in to describe something shameful that you did yeah it's got it makes a little noise okay i'm not gonna i thought it was me i'm not gonna sit here and tell you it doesn't make any noise because the reality is that it does make some noise. It makes some noise. Okay. I had a job interview to watch gay porn all day.

Sometimes they need someone to not let certain videos in, like if there are dogs or small children or if someone's getting killed. And it would be my job to watch 40 hours of gay porn a week and answer those questions. So keep up the good work, guys. Bye. Hold on. Number one, he just said they. As though we would know who it was that was hiring him to watch the gay porn.

Yeah, and, like, wait a minute. It has to get to that guy? wait a minute, it has to get to that guy. Like, if somebody is killed, he's going to be the one to catch that? Or the fucking kid? Yeah, why did nobody? Yeah, like, there's no quality control before we get to this guy. And what if a dog just runs through the frame?

What if it's not being sexualized at all? What if the dog just, I mean, the scene's in a park. I don't know. What if the dog runs through, it's not being sexualized at all what if the dog just i mean the scenes in a park i don't know what if the dog runs through it's not being sexualized at all but some stuff gets on it like someone comes on the dog no not on the dog but some of the cum gets on the dog dogs like to sniff and roll around oh sure yeah fine yeah dogs don't know what it is that's's, you know, I mean, that would be fun. Do you think he puts a sticker on each pornography DVD that he inspects? Inspected by number four?

If it were me, I would just do one of those things like you would get in first grade. Like a really happy apple. Or whatever. This one gets a smiley. You're very good. And it's like a bear. You're very good at not fucking children. At not having snuff film. Murder porn. good and it's like a bad it's your hair you're very good at not fucking children and not and

not having enough film murder porn yeah uh that's uh that could be an interesting job for a uh for a short period of time well the thing is wouldn't it just sex wouldn't it just yeah murder you to the world of sensuality it probably uh wouldn't it kill your balls uh i the uh a guy that I dated a few years ago Was an actor And was as such out of work This is Timothy Oliphant This is obviously Timothy Oliphant This is a pre-justified Oliphant And he needed a job

And I had a friend who placed temps His job was like Sending temps out and stuff He was a temp-man A temp-wrangler, a temp-brangler. A temp-bringer. A templar. A knight of templar. A knight of templar.

So I set them up and my friend got my then-boyfriend a temp job and that first week he got fired from it for falling asleep at his workstation with porn on. Yay! Then we broke up after that.

Yay. Yeah. Oh, is that another phone call? No. Yes, it is. Yeah, sure. Let's answer it. I get it.

Hey, who's this? See, he knows about this kind of stuff because he works on FX where all the shows are live. That's the conceit of the network. That is the premise of the network. Live and puppet-based. That is why I have seen Big Mama's House 37 times. Because you sit there and watch it until... Sit there and watch it.

Give me some thanks. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Jordan. This is Heather in San Francisco, and I have a moment of shame for you. I went to go reload my Clipper card, which is the new ridiculous bus fare paying system that San Francisco's lovely transit system has implemented. Look, I think we can all agree there was nothing wrong with the FastPass.

Well, okay. I don't know enough about it. And I was so distracted by a conversation I had been having with a cute boy that I put a fast pass on it on March 22nd. So I have nine days to basically take $70 worth of bus rides, or I've effectively wasted about $40. So, yeah. Do you have any tips on how I can make the most of my... This requires so much knowledge about San Francisco-based public transportation.

First of all, what the fuck is wrong with a pass getting you on and off buses? Okay. That's fine. Number one, let me just say, you've come to the right place. There are relatively few podcasters who literally have six-foot-long screen prints of muni transfers on their walls

and all their coasters have the logo of bart yep the san francisco subway system bay area rapid transit now i don't know what one of these clipper cards is but i can tell you what a FastPass is. A FastPass is the thing where one time I had a youth FastPass in April of 1999 when I turned 18. I turned 18 April 24th, my birthday. It was like April

26th. It was a proof of payment. A police officer came up to me and said, can I see your FastPass? I showed them my FastPass. Because you look like a criminal. Absolutely to me and said, can I see your FastPass? I showed them my FastPass. Because you look like a criminal. Absolutely. Then they said, can I see your ID? That's a youth FastPass.

I showed it to them. They said, you're 18. And I said, yes, I just turned 18 a couple days ago. And then they said, well, you can't use a youth FastPass. And I said, all right, except that I was 18 for 24 out of the 30 days of April. And they said, doesn't matter. And I said, you can't even buy an adult FastPass late in the month. You can only buy it for the first week of the month.

And they said, okay, well, first thing is a warning. So here's your ticket. And then I didn't understand that they meant if you dispute it or take it to court, they will give you a warning. I just thought it meant that I had received a warning. And so there was a warrant for my arrest in San Francisco for like six years until I went to the warrant section of San Francisco City Hall, which is not what you would describe as a savory place. No. Full of bounty hunters and their prey. Oh, my God. as a savory place full of bounty hunters and their prey.

They had to look it up in a giant filing cabinet and I had to sign some papers and pay like $500 or something to get, to get the warrant removed for my name. So that's what a fast pass is. Now, as far as where she should go to use her bus pass, I recommend taking the 14 up and down mission street. I recommend taking the 49. That'll take you down Mission Street.

Then it'll turn on Van Ness. It'll go down Van Ness. So that's like a little wrinkle. You can't take the 26 anymore. That doesn't even go up and down Valencia Street, I noticed. Take the 22 to Fillmore Street.

Take the 48 out to the avenues. What the fuck do I care? If we want to have another super regional conversation, do you guys want to talk about the secret menu at In-N-Out Burger? Yes, I do. That could be more specific. God, this is boring.

Let's take a call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse. I have a momentous occasion for you. At 107 this morning, I figured out that I was genderqueer, and this has been the happiest day of my entire life. It's nearly midnight now. Thanks. Bye. Boy, do I not know what that means.

Do you really not know what that means? I really don't know what that means. See, now this is one place where we, as people who went to UC Santa Cruz, are advantaged over you, an actual homosexual. An actual gay person. Genderqueer is, it's essentially people who reject the notion that gender is binary. And so rather than being like, rather than being transgendered, which is when you have the sex, the junk of one set, but you feel like you are the other set or you are the other set, I should say. Then genderqueer is I'm not male or female.

I'm another thing. I'm from Northern California. Yeah. Well, you know, for this young man, lady, this young genderqueer, it sounds like it made him really happy. So I say go for it. Way to go. Okay.

Right? Sure. It's great. We support that. Yeah. Okay. So what does that mean going forward for this guy's life? It means that he had better hope that he has to go to the bathroom only when he's on the

UC Santa Cruz campus. Where there are no gendered bathrooms. Where there are no gendered bathrooms because they want to be sensitive to the genderqueer. Ah, okay. So anywhere else, you're just shit out of luck? Yeah, absolutely. Diapers. Gendered queer diapers. GQ diapers is

the brand. Which has been very confusing for a lot of people. Yeah, really confusing. I don't... It's basically it just means that your gender identity is neither male nor female. It's not that you don't... It's basically... It just means that your gender identity is neither male nor female. It's not that you don't have a gender.

It's that you feel like you're... You know, you have some male qualities and some female qualities, or you feel like you are not... Have qualities of a third thing that we haven't... You know, that isn't associated, that isn't common or whatever. It's just you're a different thing. So he's decided he's an adult? Is that what you're saying?

No, he's decided. He's just like, he's not a cowboy or a beautiful princess? He might have decided that he wants to be a beautiful princess cowboy, for example. Okay, but we're all beautiful princess cowboys, aren't we? Well, Jordan recently found out that he's a real princess. That's an old callback yes something that happened on jordan i am very excited for him and i don't mean to belittle that at all i just sort of don't i don't i just don't get it i don't i don't get it well that's

the point like an intellectual construct i think the whole point i think the point is that uh the reason that this was created is because other people don't get it. Okay. Like, obviously, I don't get it. Right. I don't understand it at all. It seems absolutely absurd to me. But inside of this person,

this is the thing that he's been trying to figure out for so long. He just found out that genderqueer exists and it gave him the happiest day of his life. So, obviously obviously there's something that needed a name. Actually, I think what Dave and I are struggling with is what do you buy?

You gotta buy something, right? Yeah. You gotta buy some, I don't know, some pants or a... Jod purse. Genderqueers only wear jod purse. Harum pants. Harum pants. Hammer was actually a really... he made a lot of inroads

For the gender queer community Gender queer time Well good for him Hi guys So one of my employees the other day Told me that they were going to join the Navy And I asked her what her job would be in the Navy She said that it was an electrician's mate Which I thought was kind of a funny name and made me laugh

but then she goes but wait that's not what they're gonna call me my official name is Seaman Strokes. Her last name is Strokes and therefore she will be referred to as Seaman Strokes. I have not stopped giggling about it since and that was uh several hours ago but so i had to share it with you guys thanks this is the kind of thing that's keeping lindsey in unpaid employment yeah you listen to those calls you find a gem like seaman stroker seaman strokers oh we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go Now, Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

And I'm Dave Holmes, the seaman of Strokus. How did your microphone get so far away from your mouth? Oh, because I was sort of leaning forward. You kind of get right up in that microphone. I am. Well, I am, but I'm doing it with my head. Get right up in it. All right, I'll move back. Jesus.

Get up in that microphone. This chair is so weird and creaky. You're shaking the whole bookshelf behind you. Oh, boy. Okay, look. Okay. Shit's falling apart around here at the new MaxFun World headquarters, but it has been a delight to entertain you.

Hey, I want to mention one more thing before we go, which is if you're a young person looking for some experience in the field of media, we are currently accepting internships at MaximumFun.org for the summer semester. Ah. So you're going to be screening calls. Yeah, absolutely. I promise to either berate you on air or not berate you on air as you prefer. absolutely i promise to either berate you on air or not berate you on air as you prefer i will check in with you first say do you do would you think it was funny if i was mean to you as a joke or on the air or would you think that it was uh sad and you can tell me and i'll abide by your wishes

nice right what a fun job consider it it is a fun job out here. You hang out with me and Julia and Teresa, the dogs. Sure. You know, make some podcasts, do some audio editing, learn about making your way in media. Julia Smith, the producer of The Sound of Young America, former Sound of Young America intern. Yeah. Employed in the field of media. Mariel Reyes, former Sound of Young America intern. You guys probably know her from the bacon truck.

I don't. She works on the bacon truck right now. She's so great. Mariel's the greatest. I love a truck. I do like a truck. I love a good food truck. Yeah.

And nothing's wrong with bacon either. I love bacon. I'm not going to have nothing wrong with bacon. Okay, so. Let's go regional again. Have you had the bacon and grub on Seward? No, I've heard that. I've heard I need to eat that bacon.

It's fucking delicious. Oh, yeah? They yeah they throw an old grilled cheese with some tomato soup god bless them maximumfund.org slash internships 206-984-4 fun if uh you want to talk about a specific homeless crazy guy um we're headed to the midwest buy your tickets now they are on sale um all that information is at maximumfund..org. Seriously, buy them now. This theater that we're doing these things in, Second City, this is not a huge place. No. You're talking about a dinner theater type situation. We've got Peepums on the bill, too.

Peepums Nasty Gum. That's what Jordan likes to call it. Peepums is something that the My Brother, My Brother and Me podcast once talked about. Yeah, when they talk about, it's like a fake name for your grandpa. They're like, oh, my peepums. Anyways, I think that's really funny. I think that's horrible. I hope that that was never actually used in real life.

So we're really going to have a lot of fun, and we're really going to have a lot of fun out there. Buy your tickets now, maximumfun.org slash internships. Make your applications now, because it's a quick turnaround. Turns out Lindsay, the intern, she's only got like three weeks left.

We're going to be really sorry to see her go. She's done such great work. But anyway, all of that stuff. Plus, of course, let's just say that there's a movie you've already seen, but you want to liven it up a little bit. Why not watch the DVTV show on the FX network with

Mr. Dave Holmes? Yeah, why not um i drink with dave i drink with dave is is dave's new web series it's really great our friend adam lissa gore lonely sandwich from you look nice today was just on a wonderful episode when we do more episodes please be on um we would love to i mean to have a drink i think before you said would you like to be on i said i'd be happy to whenever and then I didn't hear any more emails. I'm just saying. Shut your mouth. You know that's not true.

It's a lie. I'm just saying. It's a lie. Jesse lies. Jesse often lies. I'm just saying. That is the lie phone. Why don't you pick it up?

Des Moines, Iowa. No more telephone calls, please. Do you want to be on a Broadway show? We've got to figure out how to silence the telephone in here. That's an improvement we're going to have to make at MaxFun World Headquarters. You can move it into another room. That's a good point. Also, you're getting landline calls at a weird time at night.

Adrinkwithdave.com, correct, Dave? That is correct. And it's really a joy. It's like a little thing. Dave sits behind a bar. He pretends to be a barkeep. He puts his palms down on the bar and really listens. Thanks.

Thank you. You know what I mean? I like this. This guy's good at this job. You know what I mean? I like this. This guy's good at this job. You know why he gets all these TV jobs? Fucking good at it, bro. Thank you. Smooth as ice.

Smooth as ice. Ice, huh? Charming, interesting, Dave Holmes. Thank you. Jesse, the name of the Vanilla Ice movie was Cool As Ice. Sorry. Excuse me. Have you tried to watch that recently, by the way?

Because it's on Netflix instantly. Oh, is it? Oh, yeah. Is it worth it? No. It is the worst. Oh. It's not even fun bad, though?

It's not even fun bad. It's the kind of bad that makes you drowsy. Dave Holmes. This guy is a professional. This guy is a real ninja rap. Just saying other vanilla ice things. It's a different vanilla ice dogs are being tortured

we'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go