Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 171: Gene Buttman Live in Ann Arbor

Episode Date: April 19, 2011

Recorded live at the Ann Arbor District Library in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twidd the Ann Arbor District Library in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Let's go! I know this is a college town and everything, but I was really surprised when Eli asked how many of you have library cards, just how many women flash their tits. It's pretty unbelievable. I thought it was cool, though. It's cool.

I mean, it really proves that you're ready to party. And that reading is fundamental. Yes, exactly. Those two things. Okay, so we can switch. Oh, no, what happened to my first one? Oh, did I? I'm not very good with computers.

That's going to become a theme, especially in the audio-visual elements of this program. If you need to go into your Hotmail account for any info, Jesse. Or if you just have some funny blonde jokes that you'd like to read. I actually use Lycosmail. Oh, okay. Anyway, I don't know. Just a round of applause. How many people are familiar,

have heard the show before, know what we do? So, a significant, I'd say a significant portion, but there are probably... Fewer tits on that one. Library! There were a few man tits on that one. Library! There were a few man tits, to be fair. Sure. Add some junk.

Thank you, sir. I don't want to make you think that I didn't see your impressive penis. No. Because I did. It was powerful. Yes. Quite the beast. So we figured, you know, this being a public library and this being a place where we've never played before and so on,

we thought that we would take the opportunity to kind of get people acquainted with. Yeah, because we figure maybe there's just some people here who just, you know, whenever the library has an event, they come. They like to support their library. You know, maybe you've been to see Amy Tan. We were both going to say Amy Tan. We were both going to say Amy Tan. It's the only author we know. Yeah.

Because we both feel like we were brought up straddling two worlds. So we relate to her. Sure. Nothing? All right. I relate more to Maxine Hong Kingston, but yes.

Something about a crane. We figured that we would put together just sort of the key points of what our show today is. Yeah, just in case you're new to this. By the way, is there any way to not have house lights on? Eli's going to take care of it. Okay, so... Is there any way to play an episode of House behind us?

Okay, that's better. Okay, so in terms of what to expect, first of all, we're here from Hollywood. California, ever heard of it? Yeah. This is where show business comes from. So we're here to bring a little bit of that flavor to you.

And specifically, we're storytellers. At the end of the day, what I think what we really do, after all the special effects and the glitz and the glamour is gone, what I really care about is telling a story, just like ancient people did around a campfire. Sure. And that's the impetus that drives great filmmakers like Michael Bay. Exactly.

Just to tell a story. A universal story, a Joseph Campbell-ian story. Sure. Bill Dung's Roman. Good work, Bill Dung's Roman. I don't even know what that is. Coming of Age, Coming of Age tale, right? Is that?

Thank you. Unreliable narrator. Something with a crane. You can also expect, I think, tonight a lot of fun and games. We're going to have puns. We're going to have wordplay

and, of course, popular jibes. Just all the stuff that you can expect from your favorite playground pranksters. Sure. Your favorite playground pranksters, for that matter. That's, of course, Jesse's famous racist Asian character,

Ling Long, who will be making a few appearances. My mentor was Mickey Rooney. Sure, yes. We have a very funny laundry scene. No tiki, no shirty. And of course, we'll also have a lot of profanity this evening. Including the F word, the S word, and of course, motherfucker. In addition to the profanity, I think you can expect a fair amount of vulgarity.

A lot of people don't distinguish between profanity, I think you can expect a fair amount of vulgarity. A lot of people don't distinguish between profanity and vulgarity, but because of the sheer volume of both in our presentation, it's important to take that into account. We're expecting cock, balls, and whore pussy this evening. That's a particular piece of

profanity that is trademarked by our program. But then again, I hear before Amy Tan gets up, she gets a little coked up in all this coming up too, so... They have to score for her before she'll go on stage. Sure. Anyway, the final

element of our program, of course, is pandering. Pandering. Specifically... Local pandering. Local pandering. So, for example, to be honest, we haven't been in Ann Arbor that long so far. I just took the train in from Chicago. Jordan just flew in

from Rio de Janeiro. Actually, he actually did just fly in from Rio de Janeiro. So the extent that we know things about Ann Arbor is limited. Kind of limited to

kind of what we've seen, you know, what I saw on the drive from the Detroit airport to here. It was probably one of the most important Ann Arbor landmarks, we assume. I mean, it wasn't a lot, but what I saw was spectacular.

Would you say it moved you emotionally? Sure, absolutely. And I'm sure your equivalent of the Statue of Liberty, the Louvre. This was a billboard. It's the Louvre of your oeuvre. Sure. Of buildings. Of your vulva.

That's gross. That's gross So this was this And this landmark that I'm speaking of Is a billboard For a Ford dealership Run by a man Named Gene Buttman A round of applause

If you're Are you with Buttman or Buttman? Does anyone know the correct pronunciation? Buttman? It is Buttman. Both are hilarious. I don't care how he pronounces it. He prefers to be known as Dr. G.L. Buttman.

Oh, sure, right. It's classier. Yes, he got his degree in butt studies from Rump U. Other elements of the pandering that we're planning, Jordan. Sure. We're going to talk a lot about local hangouts. Now, again, we haven't been here yet. I've only been to the...

We have not. We've been to something called the Campus Inn, and I can tell right away that that is not a local hangout. So we're just going to work from the presumption that the local hangout is called The Point, and it's where teenagers go to tongue kiss. Sure.

In the French style. Yes. Absolutely. And play jacks. We also are going to investigate some local rivalries tonight. Yeah. We're guessing that your local rival is Battle Creek. Yeah, fuck those guys. That your local rival is Battle Creek?

Yeah, fuck those guys. Ypsilanti? Can anyone, just yell out something you hate. Lansing. Lansing? Why do you hate Lansing? We hate our governor. Too many Jews.

Yes, the governor thing was code. I read you loud and clear. That's Midwest for Restricted Club. For the folks listening to the podcast at home, I just made an offensive Juno's motion with my hands. I don't want this to get too visual. We are going to put this out later. We try and translate all of our visual racism. Yeah, because I feel that visual racism

is in danger of dying out. It is. Like storytelling. Exactly, and we're all about dying arts. Yeah. We also throw pottery. Sure. And finally, we'll be talking a lot about local celebrities.

Now, we tried really hard to book Jeff Daniels on the show. And of course, when you talk about local celebrities, you're talking specifically

about Jeff Daniels. Maybe if there's a guy who's really good on the University of Michigan football team, a Desmond Howard. Did he play for University of Michigan?

I didn't look that. I didn't double check it. This is not a football crowd, Jordan. We have an over 90% ratio of corrective eyewear. The depth perception is not strong with this group. The depth perception is not strong with this group. Anyway, so I feel like that gives people a good sense of what they're in for. Yeah, I think so. So yeah, for all of you who aren't familiar with the program, there's your program.

That's pretty much what it is. And if things go south, I will take my dick out. This is a segment we like to call SOS for sharing our stories. If you don't think this is a nautical warning, it is not. I don't know if we have any people with, like, some, like, latent sea madness

who this might freak out. It is not that. Round of applause for latent sea madness. Yeah. I mean, if you have it, I don't want you to just applaud the thing. I'm not that much of an egomaniac. Jordan, I feel like a sign of the success of this show will be if 40 minutes from now,

you can still say, round of applause for latency madness. And everyone's like, fair enough. I'll give that a round of applause if the curly-headed fellow said it. They seem nice. Yeah, they do. Except for the anti-Semitism. Oh, no, I... Okay, yes, you're right. To be fair, that was

your anti-Semitism. We just translated it. We hold a mirror up to society. You guys really need to examine yourselves. Yeah. We're kind of the Michael Bays of podcasting. Holding a mirror up to society. Sure.

Okay, so something amazing happened to me that I feel like I need to talk about. Two wonderful cab rides. You've probably already taken some cabs, right? Yes, I did. Okay, so the first cab ride was from the Amtrak station to the Campus Inn, which I can only presume is the finest hotel in Ann Arbor. I'm not pointing down Ann Arbor. It's an amazing hotel. I don't know if you guys have been there. Some confused teenagers working there.

Real keys instead of key cards, everybody. And if you want drugs, you have to page someone. Right, everybody. And if you want drugs, you have to page someone. The whole place is 1995, is what I'm saying. Okay, so on the cab ride... It'll be a Mighty Mighty Boss Toads concert. On the cab ride to...

An unscheduled one. They just told me they were gonna do it. We're just gonna bomb it, man. Word will get around. Yeah. I had this amazing conversation with my cab driver. It was brief, but it went like this. I try to... I avoid cab driver conversations.

Because you can get caught in it. Yeah, no, sure, it is. And once you've committed to it, it's over. You're in a conversation. get caught in it. Yeah, no, sure, it is. And once you've committed to it, like, it's over. You're in a conversation, and no matter what weird moon theory this guy has, about what

kind of government activities may or may not be taking place on the moon. You may have just tossed a rock off the top of the mountain, but at the bottom of the hill, there's gonna be a giant snowball sure um this sorry if that metaphor was too complicated i felt like it was pretty straightforward this is simpler cab drivers be tripping i think they enjoyed that um so this was the conversation that I had. He said, so are you from out of town?

And I said, yeah, I'm from Los Angeles. And he said, oh, wow. And he said, do you visit Ann Arbor often? And again, none of this seemed like it was going to get me into a weird situation. He said, do you visit Ann Arbor often? I said, no, this is my first time here. And he paused. And I could see

in his manner... He was thinking about asking you if you knew why Obama wouldn't show his birth certificate. I wonder what this fella thinks. He was a really nice man and I could tell that he was thinking about,

like, I have this opportunity to share my city with a first-time visitor. I have this golden moment, this brief window in time where I can shape the perception of the world. And you knew he was thinking this because of the little hearts that were popping above his head. Yeah. And he said, and there was this long pause as he thought about it. He was sort of nodding,

sort of half to me, half to himself, sort of lost in a reverie about the wonders of Ann Arbor. And then he turned to me and he said, well, there's a lot of restaurants,

well there's a lot of restaurants plenty of eateries plenty of eateries he said he said eateries first he said there's a lot of restaurants then he clarified by saying

plenty of eateries maybe that was code he's like there's a lot of restaurants and if you're interested there's a lot of eateries maybe it was one of those he didn't say Maybe that was Cody He's like there's a lot of restaurants And if you're interested there's a lot of Trees Maybe it was one of those And I want to be clear about this

That was a direct quote He didn't say there's a lot of good restaurants He just said that there was a Reasonable quantity of restaurants Like well We at running water Things that exist It's sort of like quantity of restaurants. Like, well, we got running water. Things that exist.

It's sort of like, it's as though he was like, he's a writer for like Fodor's Guide to the Great Cities, and the sole criterion is restaurant number. Restaurants, comma, quantity. Oh yeah, we got a lot of restaurants. Twelve. Want me to name them? Hold on, I gotta put on my restaurant championship crown.

Which is what you get if you have a lot of restaurants in your city. You guys, of course, all know that because you have the bit home. I would like to talk about this restaurant championship crown. Yeah. You just give it to a random cab I would like to talk about this restaurant championship crown. Yeah. You just give it to a random cab driver? No, everyone in the town gets it. That's why all these people have one. That's why they didn't think that was that funny.

Everyone gets one? No, like, of course. Wait, wait, wait. Is it a rotating thing like the Stanley Cup? Well, I bet some of these people are assholes from Lansing. This guy's from Lansing. This guy's from Lansing. Oh, let's kill him. But not because of his religion.

This is not a religious persecution, sir. We will be killing you for other reasons. Better reasons. Because we think you might be Irish. I'm Irish, so I'm allowed to say. I'm allowed to threaten murder. You know what? When I was visiting relatives in Ireland,

there was a lot of murder threatening. That was like the number one form of communication was murder threatening. Good to know. FYI, if you ever go to Ireland, someone threatens to murder you, just know. Not a big deal. Don't feel like you need to run. That's just a sort of a punctuation thing for them.

It's like a rhythmic thing. Sure. Anyway, did you have any weird cab driver experiences in your trips lately? No. I did go to Rio de Janeiro, which you already mentioned. And I don't like to kiss and tell.

But I will say this, because I know it's on all your minds. Yes, it's true what they say about Brazilian women. They speak Portuguese. You really sold that one, George. Thank you, yes. You're like, and pause for applause, and pause for lukewarm response,

and feel bad about yourself. Yeah, no, I would... You know, they say a place has a dry heat. Right. This had... Like Phoenix. This woman's looking like that's not a thing. People say Phoenix, it's hot, but it's dry.

It's not humid, it's a dry heat. So you don't feel it as much. This, I would say, had... She's still not on board, by the way. If you ask me, probably from Lansing. Remember that when the time comes to murder. I would say that this was an erotic heat in this place. And I had spent several days there,

and I would call the state I'm in now sexually angry. I'm in now, sexually angry. And it's not, and it is not really even because Brazil is filled with beautiful people. I would say that it is not especially filled with beautiful people. You know, everyone looks very exotic. They're mostly butts and hair.

Which, nothing wrong with. But it wasn't a thing like that where I was just so attracted to the local people. It was just really hot and there's a lot of day drinking and there's that nasty samba music coming out of everyone.

So it didn't even really have to do with the fact... It didn't have to do with humans at all. It was just this weird like, it was just weird like, nard massage I was getting for the whole time I was there. From your environment. From my environment. Purely environmental. You were essentially getting

your balls stroked by the mise-en-scene. Sure, exactly. Yes. Like a beautiful fresca who massages your balls. It doesn't. Yeah, so there's the end. And I realize something

about myself that I am maybe a bad traveler. Like I maybe don't appreciate world travel like I should. I definitely remember waking up as the plane landed. And as we're getting off the plane, one of my primary thoughts

was, I bet the McDonald's here serves shrimp. And like really not wanting to do anything else until I found out if the McDonald's had some weird shrimp burger. I didn't even want to eat it. I just want to see it and then tell someone about it.

Although, Jordan, these people should know, just for background, that when you do travel, you check one bag and you have two carry-on bags, and they're both full of McRibs. Yes, I know. Depending on what time of year it is, they're old. They are old. Like now, in spring, this shit's five months old.

He would freeze them, but the weird thing is you don't have to. Yeah, they stay. Yeah. And we were at this, and we went to the Christ the Redeemer statue and it's enormous Jesus. Enormous mountain Jesus. Enormous Michael Bay style Jesus.

It's the Jesus that you guys would know from every hip hop video made at the very end of giant hip-hop video budgets. Like right at the end. You get a helicopter shot of giant Rio Jesus.

And then cut to Snoop Dogg. Yeah. And we're up there and it's an amazing thing. It's an amazing thing and it's in this beautiful jungle sadly monkey free. It's in this beautiful you know, it's in kind of this, sadly monkey-free. It's in this beautiful, you know, it's in kind of this beautiful

national park. Do you think Jesus killed the monkeys? I mean, do the math. This is the same guy whose dad gave us Dominion over the Beast, if I'm not mistaken. Yeah, and he took it literally by killing monkeys. That's what McRibs are made of, by the way.

Brazilian monkeys killed by Jesus. And I just remember thinking, I'm not really having a lot of feelings. I'm just thinking of something funny I can Twitter about.

And here is what I came up with. I haven't put this up yet, but this is, and it isn't even about the thing, just I spent this, while I was up there, kind of looking at this, you know, marvelous feat of human creativity

and endurance and of great kind of spiritual meaning and this kind of beautiful place that I've never been to, I spent basically all day thinking of this remark. When I rip a big fart midday, I like to pause and give big ups to J.C.

Doesn't even have to do with that statue, really. So yeah, maybe I'm a bad person and should just stay in my house. Like, maybe things are lost on me. I think that at least 25% of the audience during that whole segment wasn't even paying attention because they were just having sexy thoughts about you in a two-piece. Yeah, a European-style bathing costume? I got one.

It's in my suitcase. It says Fast and Furious 5 on it. But I got it. Okay, so I think... Best Fast and Furious movie, in my opinion. Really? Yeah. It's the watchable one. Really? Yeah. It's the watchable one.

Really? Yeah. It's pretty good. Number five. They stepped it up. They finally realized that what it should have been all along was a heist movie. Yeah. Also, The Rock should have been in it the whole time.

And he is. And he's yoked. Have you guys seen the trailer for Fast and the Furious 5? Anybody? There's this... Okay, so this is what it is. If you don't recognize the people in Fast and the Furious, because you haven't seen any of the Fast and the Furious movies,

then you don't understand why this heist movie is so dumb. So it's like one of those, it should be like Don Cheadle and whoever, like Paul Giamatti and the Mac from the Mac commercials. Working on computers. Yeah, William H. Macy is kind of sad that he has to go back to it. Anyway, it should be that, but it's just these weird guys with muscles on their heads. And I'm watching this and I'm thinking, what is this? And also, I live in a predominantly Latino

neighborhood, and when I go to the movies, I'm not of the demographic that is at the movie. I knew that this was something important because people were flipping their shit! But I did not know why it was important.

The movies now have a complicated continuity. Did you guys know that Fast and Furious Tokyo Drift takes place after Fast and Furious? No, I did not know that. It does. They have gone back. The last two

movies have been prequels. Is Ludacris in any of the other ones besides Too Fast, Too Furious? Ludacris is in Too Fast, Too Furious. Ludacris and Tyrese are both in Too Fast, Too Furious, and they're both in this one. This is their triumphant return. That explains why there were so many people in the trailer.

It really looked like it was just they filmed a casting call. Here's some people that were considered for various roles. Tyrese is great. Tyrese is a good action star. They just put an ad in Variety that said, you know,

ambiguous ethnicity, muscles on head. Must be appealing to Latino teens. So there's this part in the trailer after they do the stuff where you're like, why are there 75, why have they just introduced 75 characters and they're all planning a heist but none of them is George Clooney. After they do all of that, then there's this part.

To be fair, Vin Diesel is the racially ambiguous George Clooney. That's pretty bold, Jordan. I'm going to go out on a limb. You guys have seen Pitch Black, right? Tell me I'm going to go out on a limb. You guys have seen Pitch Black, right? Tell me I'm wrong! So you wouldn't say that it's Sinbad? No. I'm just trying to think of other

racially ambiguous famous people. Okay, so they set up this whole... Is Sinbad racially ambiguous? Okay, he's of mixed ethnicity. He's of mixed ethnicity. Oh, I didn't know that. But you haven't been watching enough of that show with Henry Louis Gates on PBS.

I have not, clearly. Do you like how I got the most laughs of the whole night by saying Henry Louis Gates? Yeah. Boy, you guys are going to hate the rest of this. That's because we have some bullshit planned. Well, until we get to that segment about presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin,

then people are going to flip out. Like people in my neighborhood in a Fast and the Furious trailer. What movie were you seeing where there was a Fast and Furious trailer? Your Highness. I was watching her.

This movie theater by my house. Oh God, I fucking love it. It costs $4 to see a first run movie. Sure. Just full of Latino babies. Just running everywhere. Just ruining it. Hither and yon. Just running everywhere. Just ruining it.

Hither and yon, just back and forth. In fact, Your Highness, which is an R-rated film with a drug-themed title that has extensive nudity, a lot of butt-fucking jokes. There were literally four children under eight in the theater. But anyway, so we get through this whole montage of setting up all 2,000 characters of Furious 5, and then there's this part where this really mean-looking white guy

just goes, he, like, looks towards the camera, and he goes, just don't let them near any cars. There's cars everywhere! This isn't China in the 1970s. Cars are freely available. You can go to almost any store and buy cars. God forbid they get their hands on a whirlybird.

Anyway, that's a little digression about the moment that left me agog in the Furious 5 trailer. And it was great, too, because it let me share with an audience of literally a dozen of people my symbol for too fast, too furious. Too fast, too furious. Take that home, use it, it's the new too legit to quit. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Key demos. Diegetic sound. Non-diegetic sound.

Extra diegetic sound. Okay, extra diegetic. Fair enough. Sorry. So what we thought we would do is, because we're here in your, you know, quaint town. Sure. Charming. It's charming.

A lot of white picket fences. Hometown values. Sure. Fly over America. Some other condescending bullshit. We thought that as long as we're here, we would sort of serve as like, I guess you would say a resource. Yeah, absolutely. Like share the expertise that we've developed

over the years that we've lived in the same town as people like Steven Spielberg and Michael Bay. Artists and ultimately storytellers. What we would love to do is if we could have just one volunteer from the audience. Maybe the guy from Lansing could do it. Would you mind coming up? Okay, come on up.

Let's hear it. Let's hear it for Lansing. Lansing and Ann Arbor united and at peace. Feel free to get as close as you can. Please do not hurl garbage at him. It might hit us. I know he is your enemy.

Sir, what is your name? Brian. Brian, it's nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Pleasure. Thank you. Thank you for coming out. So what we thought we would do is talk to you a little bit about the events of your life.

And Jordan and I are both, we both work in the comedy industry. Sure. And there's this thing in the comedy world called punch-up. I more work in the dramedy industry now. Well, ever since you started dating James L. Brooks. It's true. He's really taught me a lot about how to not be a good filmmaker anymore. He's fine. Spanglish is fine.

He's really taught you a lot about the space in between C plus and B. He really taught me a lot about good effort. Coasting off Simpsons residuals. I have a few more James L. Brooks jokes. You guys want to hear them? No one does. That's fine.

We're starting to develop some flop sweat from the James L. Brooks film, Broadcast News. Key plot element. Remember? I do. It's the flop sweat. It's what happens and it's the crisis.

How? Who's that in that? Holly Hunter? Who are you again? Why'd you come up here? Where are we? Somebody get the... And now I'll play

the mouth harp. That's called... Here they call that the Lansing harp. Lansing harp. Everybody knows that we're not anti-Semites, right? This whole thing is predicated on you understanding that we're not anti-Semites, so I want to make it clear that we're not actually anti-Semites, right? This whole thing is predicated on you understanding that we're not anti-Semites, so I want to make it clear that we're not actually anti-Semites. We're pro-Semites.

Yeah, sure, they're great. Absolutely. Okay, what were we going to do? Ah, yes, show business. So, there's this thing called punch-up, and I don't mean to brag, but me and Jordan did this one time.

It's where a bunch of comedy people get together, and there's a script or a story, and they all sort of kick around ideas about how to make it punchier, how to punch it up. And so in this case, we thought we'd talk to Brian about his life in Lansing, and maybe we could offer a few improvements

or punch-ups, if you will. Yeah, absolutely. And if you option this, just go with it. It's our gift to you. Right. It is completely free of charge. All I ask for is five points on the gross. I'll take my points on the net.

The money made off the Sandra Bullock DVD, The Net. Which you will get from me. We should just stop now. Good night, everybody. Brian Brian thanks for coming out Brian where are you from originally Are you originally from Michigan No I'm from Dayton Ohio Oh that's even worse than Michigan

What Are you guys don't like Oh this guy's making the what the fuck's up Oh shit Oh there's gonna be a fight in the parking lot It's gonna be a fight between this guy's making the what the fuck's up. Oh, there's going to be a fight in the parking lot. It's going to be a fight between this guy and all of these people. Oh, there's three Daytonas. You know what?

You know what, though? If this guy knows how to throw a punch, I think he can take him. Just looking out over the crowd. There's going to be, there would be a lot of Lord of the Flies style sucks to your ass Mar situations if this guy knows how to throw a punch.

They don't like Dayton, Ohio? Just Ohio in general? Why don't you like Ohio? Why, too mild-mannered? Too nondescript? The Ohio State-Michigan University rivalry. Oh, it's a football thing. Yeah, we fought a war.

So it doesn't have anything to do with like... Ohioans really don't care about that because we won. They're sore about it. Wait, there wasn't actually a war. Wait, there wasn't actually a war. Is this a how many delegates you guys have thing? Does this have to do with Super Sunday in some weird way?

Super Tuesday. When do you vote? I don't know. What is this? I don't know. We're at this crazy place that we are right now. They're at war with Ohio. Yeah, hold on. Also, you guys care about football?

No. You don't. It's just fun. It's like a Bayside Valley thing where it's just fun. Springfield, Capital City. They're always stealing the Wolverine. Okay. Dayton, Ohio.

Like it. Could be punchier. Rio de Janeiro. That's my first bet. How do you feel about being from the core of the earth? Just gut reaction. How do you feel about being from the core of the earth? Just gut reaction. How do you feel about that? Hollow earth theory? Sounds hot.

Don't know what that is. Core of the earth. We're going with core of the earth. I mean, that's impressive, those words that you said. Don't get me wrong. Not as impressive as before when I said Maxine Hong Kingston. Is hollow earth theory, is that a late night AM radio thing? Probably, yeah, I think so.

Maybe reptile people living there? I like that, I like that. Let's go with that. Let's go with that. So did you live in what we're calling the center of the earth your whole childhood? Yes. What was your... What did you want to be when you grew up?

A biologist. Elf warrior? I'm going to go orgy organizer. And participant. So it could be, like the voiceover for the trailer could be like,

from his very... In a word. From his humble beginnings. At the center of the earth. At his, from his very first boner. He wanted... He knew that one partner

just wasn't enough. Do you like that? Do you feel like that? Much better. You're not like an outspoken member of a monogamy group to where it's a conflict of interest of your life story being about

you organizing fuck parties. Because plus side here, in Hollywood, if there's a movie made about you organizing fuck parties, whether or not you did before, you do now. All you need is two things.

Number one, some blow. Number two, Amy Tan. She'll get the ball rolling. Literally. So this is pretty good. So he wanted to grow up to organ... Did you go to college for that? Yes.

Biology, which we're calling orgy organizing. It can have an elf theme. I don't mean to shit on your idea from earlier. Like a fantasy orgy? Like a centaur fucking an elf? I like it. If

Gerard Butler is the centaur. As a heterosexual man, I'm interested in that. I'm not going to lie to you. That's powerful stuff. Okay, so you're going to college for biology at the University of Michigan? Michigan State.

Michigan State in Lansing. How many rivalries do you assholes have? You seem like bad people to me. You hate a lot of things arbitrarily, it seems. I'm surprised you didn't boo the Fast and the Furious. I'm just glad he's not in Yeshiva. Oh, boy. If you're a Hillel kid, run.

Not anti-Semites. Very pro-Semites. We are. Just remember, the premise of this is you are anti-Semites. And we're against it. I find many Jews attractive. It's true.

Especially the lady Jews. I mean, I'm not an anti-Semite, so even the men. Yeah. Fair enough. That's how it works, right? Is that how it works? That's why I'm into Asian guys, right? You like them because they're submissive.

Tiny beans. At the Ann Arbor District Library, we're bringing casual racism to you. Eli, is that okay for the slogan? This is our lecture about the dangers of racism. You could end up becoming a professional podcaster. No more sorry life than that. Okay, so you're going to college for it.

Are you in your final year? How far into it are you, I guess I want to ask? I maybe have a year left. I'm in graduate school. Okay. I do like the graduate school element. I like it, too. It's just nice.

Well, it's just there's an indefinite period of time. You don't know exactly when you're going to end. If I can just suggest something. Here's the thing, though. Okay, go ahead. This is what I don't like from a screenwriter's point of view. Sure. The indefinite period of time.

You need a ticking clock. Save the cat. Inciting incident. Final draft. So let's put a cap on this. Let's say you have 24 hours to complete college. Or a train with Jake Gyllenhaal will explode. Jordan, I see...

Thanks for laughing at that save the cat remark, by the way. Anyway, thank you. These people have all read Story by Robert McKee. Or at least seen the movie Adaptation. Sure. Okay, so I kind of see Brian as being portrayed by Hugh Grant. And for that reason... I like it, I like it.

Rather than biology graduate school or orgy organizing graduate school... Fantasy orgy organizing. Architecture. Because it's cool, but nobody really knows what it does, right? Are we moving this more to the rom-com space now? Well, with architecture,

yes. There aren't any non-rom-coms that involve architecture, and there aren't any rom-rom-coms that involve architecture, and there aren't any rom-coms that don't involve an architect. I wouldn't call it a rom-com, but Clarissa explains it all. Her dad was an architect. That wasn't a romance?

No, no. It was a romp. Childish romp. Did she ever bunk that friend who used to come over? Sam? He had that music cue that went... I guess it's one of those things where sometimes when something happened a long time ago,

you can't remember what was real and what was just what you wished happened. I know, yes. What was real and what was the little cartoons I drew in the margins of my notebook? Okay, how do you feel? Not that it matters. What do you feel is the better vehicle for your life story?

This kind of sexy fantasy action movie or kind of, you know, chick lit, rom-com, TBS kind of thing. How do you stand on Manolo Blahniks? I don't know at all what that is. Well, it's out of chick lit then. I like it. We can still use Gerard Butler. Is that true?

So it's good that we don't have to neg his offer that has not been sent out. He does need a love interest. Okay. Tell me this. Maybe there's a natural love interest. Not to pry too much,

are you married? He doesn't have a girlfriend? No. He's at the Jordan Jesse Go show. I'm pretty sure this is Friday night, isn't it? Oh, well, off to the library to see the podcast. And then home to build ships and bottles. By the way, if anybody's doing that tonight, let me know.

Because I'm ready to party. And I have a lot of little tweezers. Jeez, build a ship in a bottle, use a little tweezer, right? I don't know. Okay, but this is good. Single architect. Had a hard life growing up in the core of the earth.

Looking for love. This is nice. What kind of love do you feel like he should be looking for? Because he does need to find love in the course of this movie. He's obviously going to have a lonely life in real life. Let's ask.

If you were to maybe like... You're a handsome man, Brian. Very good looking. You're just not that good with girls from what I've seen. Don't turn on me! This is the one from Lansing! Or Dayton, or wherever the fuck you people can't stand. Your arbitrary prejudices.

I'm so sick of these fucking Missoulins! Big sky country! Big sky country! Don't get me started on Butte. There's one thing I hate. It's vistas. Let me, if you were to describe, you know,

three of the primary qualities you look for in a relationship, what would they be? And maybe we can get a sense of who we should cast for this. This is good. Communication. Great. Sure. Attractiveness. Great. Right. And gentleness. Okay. I like those.

Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to punch these up. Okay. Right. Communication is going to punch these up. Communication is going to be fuckability. Attractive is going to be ability to go into slow motion. What was the last one? Don't care. That's going to be underwater harpoon.

Yeah. Slow motion. So I don't know. Are you seeing a Megan Fox for this, or is she on her way out? Jordan. What? I just had a brainstorm. Okay.

How do you get to the center of the earth? Giant drill? How do you get a giant drill to the crust of the earth? You fight a giant squid, my friend. What do you need to fight a giant squid? Underwater harpoon. And fuckability. Fuckability.

I like this. So, we've got a young architect. Growing up in the core of the earth, he comes to the surface to pursue his dreams of architecture. He's unlucky in love. For some reason, he has to go back to the core of the earth.

I don't know why. Family reunion. Fuck you. Kurtzman and Orsi will figure that out when they're writing the script. They wrote the Transformers movies and the Star Trek reboot. We're going to be the producers of this movie, right? Yeah, sure.

Can I put in a special request? What? Can we make Kristen Bell be in it? Yeah, sure. Yes! But I think she has the ability to go into slow motion randomly. Why don't she just be the lead? Well, it depends.

You know, she's DTF. Are you suggesting that you have some sort of casting couch arrangement for this project? Yeah, as long as my wife's not listening to this podcast.

And why would she? Yeah, she's pregnant. I don't really want to No Any more than I'm anti-Semitic It's okay Okay I think we got a good project here I feel like this is pretty good

This is solid So the story is He grows up in the center of the earth With a variety of centaurs, orcs, griffins, chimeras,

hydra, kraken. You got a lot more of these than I do. Well, no, you just said the first four ones, and I said the last two ones. Oh, okay. Now we're out. Okay, great.

Zeus? It's free. It was free, guys. It was free to get in here. So we can do whatever the fuck we want, okay? It's okay. Young architect, core of the earth. You come to the surface to study architecture.

You're going back. The only way you can get a big drill is to kill a giant squid with the help of Kristen Bell, who fires underwater harpoons. You like this? Sounds amazing. I think it does, too. Can Kristen Bell

also be friends with Lisa Loeb? Sure. Maybe they're a little curious, too. Maybe they're roommates. Well, I mean, I don't know if they knew a little curious too Maybe they're roommates Well I mean I don't know if they knew They were curious But once they meet The right orgy organizer

It just happens organically Why aren't we The most famous screenwriters In Hollywood And why aren't we The new William Goldman You know Butch Cassidy And the Sundance Kid

And the Princess Bride. Star Trek reboot. Well, okay. I think we got a project here. If you're willing to sign the contracts, we can get this deal rolling. I'll sign on immediately.

Thank you. Round of applause, please. Brian, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. You can sit down Brian go ahead And take a seat down there

That was fun That was a lot of fun Probably the dumbest segment We've ever done on the show Not even close We've done a lot Of dumb segments I mean

Let's not sell ourselves short I think we mentioned earlier We may have mentioned earlier. Did we mention we were from Hollywood? We're from showbiz. Thank you. And then we find your town quaint. White picket fences at all.

Sure. Maltids. Phosphates. Egg creams. Anything else? Druggist? Those all worked yeah

so in Hollywood where we come from one of the most popular things to do is diet and specifically to fad diet sure absolutely you're nobody if you're not on the latest and greatest diet.

Yeah, I mean, you know, watching your calories and getting lots of exercise might be okay for you, Quainties. But in Tinseltown, it's nothing but eel. Yeah. Or something else that was in a magazine. Yeah. So we just, yeah,

we wanted to let you guys know if any of you are into fitness or you know, are looking to, you know, really get that Kristen Bell-ish figure. If you want to pop on camera. Absolutely. Here are just some things that you probably haven't heard of because you don't get our Hollywood magazines. Right. So we just wanted to let you know, and if you guys want to run with any of these,

be our guest. This one is... Yeah, this is the Skull and Bones diet. You can eat whatever you want as long as it's in the basement of Yale. That's actually how George W. Bush got elected president. It is, yes. He spent a few months on the skull and bones diet.

Boom. Most powerful man in the world. The urban hunter diet. This is sort of like that paleo diet. I don't know if you've heard about this. This is you can eat anything that you can strangle. So if you can throttle it, you can eat it. And what's nice is a lot of people think, isn't that going to be bland?

I'm just going to be eating squirrels and pigeons. In Canada, black squirrels. Right. In England, red squirrels. Although there's a war between gray squirrels and red squirrels in England. I hadn't heard that. Yeah, this is my plan to take care of it, the Urban Hunter diet. Oh, just pick a race of squirrel and throttle it.

at the Urban Hunter Diet. Oh, just pick a race of squirrel and throttle it. It's also known as the squirrel xenophobia diet. Sure. What's nice is, even though there are just these basic foods, there are ways to sort of season them, make them a little bit more palatable. If you can find, for example,

some runoff Slurpee behind a 7-Eleven, you can rub the pigeon in that. Just rub it in there. Some visual humor. This is the blade-type diet. Maybe you've heard of the blood-type diet. I was just reading that a famous actress had put her husband on the blood type diet in the New Yorker this week. Yeah, Anna Faris.

That's the only magazine I read, by the way. You probably don't get it out here. And yeah, you eat a certain type of diet based on your blood type. And that's kind of yesterday's news. Now it's the Blade type diet, where you eat a certain type of food depending on which your favorite Blade movie is. So if you like Blade

1, a lot of saturated fats. Blade 2, a lot of grains. And Blade 3, nothing because you're full of shit. That was the worst one. Nobody thinks Blade 3 is their favorite of the Blade movies. Yeah, I don't know. If you like Blade 3, eat up, fatty.

Yeah. Eat yourself to death as far as we're concerned. This is a great one, the cola and scurvy diet. It's sort of like a lot of these diets that have sort of positive and negative sides to it. So with this one, the positive side is nothing but cola. And you can choose whatever cola you want. RC, Coke, Pepsi, nothing but cola. The downside is you will get scurvy,

which means your teeth will fall out. There's not enough vitamin C in cola is the problem. So your teeth will fall out. You'll go mad. But you'll be looking good, though. You will be. You'll be mad. But you'll be looking good, though. You will be. You'll be looking fit as a fiddle. Oh, I love the regional foods diet.

This is the regional foods diet, where you only eat regional foods that are hard to find in your area. So, for instance, in California, it's all tasty cakes and Chick-fil-A. Yeah. White Castle. White Castle, sure.

Anything... Here would be nothing but, you know, In-N-Out burgers and Sprinkle cupcakes. Sprinkles cupcakes. It's anything that someone who moved to, the best way to figure out what you can eat is go to like, get the like post office listings for people who've recently moved in

and then say to them, what foods are you complaining about not being available? So, for example, in Los Angeles, when I first moved to Los Angeles, Jordan was on this diet, and he learned very quickly that he could eat burritos, but only if there was rice in them, because I'm from San Francisco.

Regional differences between... It's funny. It wasn't that funny. It was fair. Oh, I love the women's basketball diet. Monday through Saturday, you can eat women's basketballs, but on Sundays,

you get to eat NBA basketballs for a treat. Oh, and also there's no dunking. Yeah, no dunking. But great fundamentals. Great fundamentals. Really great fundamentals. Team play. It's more team oriented. It's a little less athletic, but in a way it's more admirable

than a lot of diets. Also lesbians. Yeah. A lot of lesbians on this diet. Okay, here we go. Oh, this is great. Actually, I came up with this. This is something that I'm doing right now. It's called the Morris Cleanse. It's a two-week process. Here's what you're

going to do. You don't eat anything except for every single day, three times a day. Get a glass of warm, warm, not cold, not hot, warm tap water. Makes it like a pint glass. Sure. Squeeze the juice of a lemon.

Tablespoon of cayenne pepper. A little squeeze of maple syrup. Now, this is not Mrs. Butterworth's. This isn't Log Cabin. This is pure maple syrup. You're going to have to go to a whole food store. We don't want high fructose corn syrup here. No, no, no, exactly.

These are natural foods. These are designed to cleanse your system, get rid of the toxins that build up. So you're going to want to mix this together. You're going to want to mix this together three times a day. You're going to want to hand it to a giant Samoan man who will punch you in the face. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Somebody in the audience is going to win a fabulous prize, and somebody in the audience is going to go home a loser. Sure. Cry themselves to sleep tonight because they didn't win a fabulous prize.

So we actually saw some enthusiasm here from old Sweatshirt. If you want to come up here. Come on up, Sweatshirt. I really like the boys versus girls dichotomy. Is there a lady who might like to play? Is it a battle of the sexes? Everyone loves that. I see a gentleman in a red shirt

looking at a young lady in a gray shirt. Would you like to? Looks like a not-wife. He says, no, not my wife. Actually, it seems like maybe there's a lot of English-speaking men and mail-order brides here

who dragged them. He's like, no, we're married. If you let her up, then you're going to have to deal with my mother-in-law. Oh, boy. And her frying pan. I see a hand in the back. Yeah, I don't... Is that a lady? Yes, I see some ladyish features.

Yes, it is. Come on up. How about a hand? For a woman! Wonderful woman. Do we only have three chairs up here, Jordan? Okay, here comes another chair. Zach. I'm a lady. Ladies must sit.

Lady, thank you for coming up here. Cross at the ankles. What's your name? Lady, actually. No, I'm kidding. It's Tara. Tara. Tara, Zach, Zach, Tara.

Pull that mic up. Tara, go ahead and pull that mic right up to you. Okay. And Zach, do. Pull that mic up. Tara, go ahead and pull that mic right up to you. Okay. And Zach, do the same with your microphone. Here's how the mispronouncing contest is going to work. We're going to put a series of words on the board. Okay? A few seconds will expire.

You will hear a tick-tock sound. Eli, are you ready? Could you demonstrate the tick-tock sound? No, not that sound! Nope! Forget you heard that! Forget you heard that! It's going to be really funny when it happens. Okay, so you're going to hear a TikTok sound, and one of these young people will be in the driver's seat, so to speak,

and that person will have to mispronounce the word that's on the board. Then immediately following, their competitor will have to mispronounce the word that's on the board. We will then decide who did a better job of mispronouncing the word. The person who mispronounces the most words best is our winner. Mispronouncing champion. Do you guys feel like you can handle that? That's boring to play. Wow, shit talking up top, huh?

You are the Charles Barkley of this. I'm less confident. You're the Godzilla of this thing. Remember when they fought? There's also been a lot of talk that Sweatshirt might run for governor of Alabama. Is Charles Barkley going to run for office? There's been a lot of talk

that he might run for governor of Alabama over many years, which I think says more about the office of governor of Alabama than it does about the round mound of Rebound. Isn't Shaq like a cop? Yeah, he is. He wants to become a police officer

when he retires from his bajillion dollar job as a superstar basketball player. I feel like if I was a criminal and Shaq was arresting me, I'd just shoot him on principle. Because of something Kazam related? No, just because I feel like instead of arresting me, I just chewed him on principle. Because of something Kazam related? No, just because I feel like instead of arresting me,

he should just be in his Olympic-sized hot tub. Who are you guys? What's this going on? Oh. The physical bits just keep on coming in this primarily audio presentation. Okay, remind me what your name is again, sweatshirt?

Zach. Zach and lady? Tara. Zach and Tara. Okay, now here's another... Tara, we will call you the United States of Tara. Zach, we will call you the United States of sweatshirt. Here's another wrinkle of Tara. Zach, we will call you the United States of Sweatshirt. Here's another wrinkle of this.

I don't have any paper or pencils or anything, so not only will I forget their name throughout the course of the game, I will also forget what the score is throughout the course of the game. So, I've asked this young lady with the camera sitting in the front row to have some paper and keep track

on my behalf and just yell at me when I get it wrong. If you get the names, just think of your favorite Showtime shows. United States of Terror, The Tudors. Is that HBO? Is that Showtime?

Is Tudors on Showtime? It's on Netflix, it's on Showtime. Okay. Well, that's fine. That's the rule. If it's on Netflix, it's on Showtime Okay, well, that's fine That's the rule, if it's on Netflix It's on Showtime So Ski School 2 is on Showtime Okay, so who do you think we should make go first, Jordan? I feel like Sweatshirt Because Sweatshirt was talking shit

What's your name, ma'am? Betsy Betsy is Betsy. Betsy is the official sort of arbiter of this situation, so I feel like Betsy can decide, and she says sweatshirt's going to go first. Okay. So, again, just... Like Larry King during the presidential debates.

Yeah. Absolutely. Thank you. Has Larry King moderated presidential debates? Of course not. That would be horrible. I think he probably has. No, like Jim Lehrer moderates the...

He really doesn't? No. Dayton, Ohio. Question for the candidate. Somebody just boo? Who booed? You just don't like Larry King? Oh, I said Dayton, Ohio.

Oh, I'm sorry. You guys have that reaction. I thought you were like, your Larry King impression was terrible. Jordan, no wonder you never get on Saturday Night Live. Jordan, you know how some cities have a lot of sister cities? You know, like there's a big list at City Hall of all the sister cities around the world. They have a Nixon-sized list of enemy cities. It's in the town hall.

It's under glass. It's called the shit list. And the mayor has the power to add cities to the list for any reason. Reading, Pennsylvania, I don't like your back sassing. Reading, Pennsylvania. Okay, so how this is going to work is Zach,

we're going to show a word on this screen. You're going to hear that TikTok. You're going to have a moment to consider how you're going to mispronounce it. Then we will ask you to immediately mispronounce it. Do I have to mispronounce it? Yes, you do. Well, it is a mispronouncing contest.

That's sort of like if Ben Johnson was like, yeah, but do I have to run? I mean, I could just walk. I didn't know what Ben Johnson you were talking about, so I thought you were going to say, Ben Johnson said, well, I guess I could write all of Shakespeare's plays.

Okay. So, and then Tara, you will have to follow him immediately with your mispronunciation, okay? What if I accidentally do it the same? You'll probably lose. Okay. That's a surefire way to lose. It does not sound like a winning strategy to me, Tara. We call the copycat factor. Yeah.

Okay, are we ready in the back with the sound? Okay. Ready. Steady. Moe. I gotcha! I said Moe, not go! Maspurnuncing contest.

I told you there were going to be playground jobs. All right, slow down there. Slow down there. Trigger. Sundance. I'm nervous there. Slow down there. Trigger. Sundance. Partner. Trigger. Hop along.

Howdy doody. Okay. Ready? Here we go. Here is your first word, Zach. For those at home, the word is... Zach, hospital. Hospital.

Tara. Hospital. What do you think? Hospital. Hospital. Point to Tara. Mark that down. One point to Tara.

Betsy, one point for Tara. Okay, Tara, because you won the last round, you're going to have to go first this time around. Here is our next word. It's alliance. Tara? Alliance. A lion ass. Oh, that's not even close.

Now, I feel like Zach was just copying Tara. He's like, oh, so we're going blue? But Tara knew to zig when the competition is zagging. And so I kind of want to give it to Tara that time. I'm in full agreement.

Point to Tara. Mark it for Tara. Don't feel like you have to go blue, Zach. Just be yourself. Just be yourself. Seriously, I think that if you believe in yourself and believe in your dreams, you can achieve them. You can mispronounce words, just like me. I believe you can fly.

I believe you can touch the sky. You're not allowed to patronizingly talk shit to Zach. We're the ones who are doing this. You came up here, I don't know what's going on. You're a hustler. You are a full-time mispronunciation hustler. We're the ones who are doing the I'm from Hollywood characters. You're probably from Ypsilanti.

I am, actually. Ypsilanti! Ypsilanti! Okay, our next word. Tara's going first here. The word is townhouse. Townhouse. Tara.

Toon hoose. Oh. Toon house. That's right, Zach. Take off that sweatshirt. Wait. Wait. Are you... Did you somehow get under the impression That's right, Zach. Take off that sweatshirt. Wait, are you... Did you somehow get under the impression that we're playing, like, strip poker rules?

Why'd you take off your sweatshirt? Not that I don't want to see your donger, but we can just do that in the parking lot. By the way, there will be a donger meetup for the show. A donger meetup? It was on the forum. Invited guests include Gerard Butler. Sure.

Ray J. Specifically. Centaur Gerard Butler. A funny story about Centaur Gerard Butler. Human dick. Yeah. Did you know that? Yeah, that's why we have to use Ray J in the dick scene.

Yeah, sure. Looks more horse-like. Yeah. If you've seen the Ray J sex tape, he has a giant schvanz. That's what we're talking about. Anyway, mispronunciation contest. Did we decide who won that one? Tara won it.

Canada won, yeah. Toon Hoos. Okay, so that's... Three for, so that's three for Tara. Insurmountable lead. Luckily, our next one is worth three points. That's fun. Are you ready, Tara? I'm ready.

Okay. Skiing is our word. Skiing. Tara? Skinning. Zach? Skiing is our word. Skiing. Tara? Skiing. Zach? Skiing. The kid is back, everybody!

It's a tie ball game, folks. Guess what, Jordan? This next one is worth 12 points. What? So the whole rest of the thing didn't matter? No. Every succeeding step matters more and more.

No, you're right. There's building tension. Then there's the release. Then there's denouement. Save the cats. Okay, Zach, you're going first this time around.

Blue. Blue. Blue is our word. Zach. Blua. Tara. Blua. This is tough. This is tough.

They're both pretty shitty. Neither was that good. Yeah. Yeah. They're both pretty shitty. Neither was that good. Yeah. I'm going to go Tara because she's a girl.

And I don't want to be seen as picking on girls. Yeah, that's true. And I don't want to be seen as a homo. So... So I also would like to give it to Tara. I want to make it clear that we're also pro-gay. Sure.

And I was believed to be gay until I was 15 years old. And even by many thereafter. Currently, for instance. So what does that make it? 15 to 3. Yep. This one's another 12-pointer, by the way. Oh, okay.

Good. Are you ready, Tara? I am. Yes. Okay. Ramshackle. Ramshackle's our word. Tara?

Ramshackle. Amy Tanshackle. Ramshackle's our word. Tara. Ramshuckle. Amy Tanshackle. I should give him my sweater. He understands a running joke, but he doesn't understand how much he will resent it if he steals our running joke. I like it. I like it.

I think the kid's got pluck. I think he's got spunk. Not gay. So that ties it up, right? It does tie it up. Okay. Wow. Okay.

Wow. Latency madness. Okay. Wow. Okay. There you go. Latency madness. Look. You ready, Zach? It's all tied up at 15 or something. Whatever. This one... I know you nodded like, yes, you're right. We don't care anymore. But we appreciate your effort, Betsy.

And we appreciate that if we pick on you, the audience will turn against us because we're picking on a lady. It's not like we're from Dayton. Kissimmee, Florida. It's also on the list. Too wet. Muggy.

Too muggy. Okay, here we go. Next one. Zach, you're the list. Too wet. Muggy. Too muggy. Okay, here we go. Next one. Zach, you're going first this time around. Passenger. Zach? Passenger. Tara? Passenger. That's Tara. That wasn't even close.

How many points was that one? 1,000, right? That's 1,015 for Tara. 15 for Zach. Zach is falling behind. I don't know what happened. It seemed like he was doing so well recently. Okay.

You ready for this, Tara? Yes. Let's see how many words. Close your eyes, guys. Tipped her hand there. Am I or not? It's supposed to be. Wait.

I'm not very good with computers. Okay. Good. Okay. There's two left, and the last punchline didn't come last accidentally. It didn't. Okay. Here we go. We know it's just too long't come last accidentally. Okay, here we go.

We know it's just too long. Yeah. This is our final word. Act like you didn't see it for the at-home audience. Okay, you ready for this, Zach? Zach's turn, right? No, it's Tara's turn. Who just got 1,000 points?

Tara already won. I believe it's me. You think Tara should win? I think we should do our thing best I think the last thing is funny enough to do If that's what you're asking me Okay This one is for over one million points

And specifically MyCokeRewards.com points If you're wondering what kind of points We're playing for Cool Coke gear Cool Coke gadgets And Cool Coke icons. Cool Coke gadgets. And cool Coke icons.

I don't know. What do you get at my Coke rewards? Whatever. More Cokes? Yeah, Cokes. The jitters? Diabetic coma? Pineapple upside down cake.

That's from Sprite. That's from Sprite. That's from, yeah. Okay. Here we go. Our final word. Local legend, Jeff Daniels. Oh. Is Jeff Daniels not beloved here?

Maybe they just don't know he lives here. Do you guys not know that? If Jeff Daniels not beloved here? Maybe they just don't know he lives here. Do you guys not know that? If Jeff Daniels lived where I lived, I'd be pretty fucking stoked. Think about how... I'm from San Francisco. I have to be proud of Huey Lewis. That's who I... You guys have Jeff Daniels.

He's legitimately pretty great. He's got a band. He probably plays club gigs here. You could see Jeff Daniels. He's legitimately pretty great. He's got a band. He probably plays club gigs here. You could see Jeff Daniels now before his band gets big. Because Rock Harmonica is coming back. Who's winning again?

Tara? Hoff Daniels. Bringing their A game. Jorf Dorf Niels. Okay, Tara? Hoff-de-neels. Okay. Bring in their A game. Jorf-dorf-neels. Ladies and gentlemen, in the battle of the sexes, there can be only one true winner.

He's stronger, more practical, never asks for directions. I have a GPS. You can find him in your Sunday comic strips under the heading The Lockhorns. Please welcome the world champion, Zach! From downtown! From downtown!

Tara, thank you so much for playing. We're sorry that we don't have a prize for you besides the satisfaction that you got to share a stage with your idols. It feels good. Zach and this water bottle. Zach, I know... It's cool to meet Zach. I know what you're thinking

Right now I need a new sweatshirt What Well How would you like one With the Sprite logo Y'all ready for this Zach I know what you're thinking

I'm already being awarded over three billion MyCokerAwards.com points. That's enough to buy one Coca-Cola water wing. What could possibly top that amazing prize? Two water wings. Symmetrical floating. This was a rhetorical question. You will not be receiving two water wings.

You know the whole My Coke Rewards thing was a joke too, right? I have to go. Zach said, I have to go. That said, I have to go. That was really funny. Good work, Zach.

Your award is one empty Coke can. Now, Zach, I know what you're thinking. Jesse, that doesn't sound like much of a reward at all. It doesn't even have any coke in it. And the mycokerewards.com program has been discontinued. But I think we've got some news that is really going to change your perspective

on this whole thing. Zach. Did you know that the redemption value for cans in Ann Arbor, Michigan is ten cents? Ten cents!

Twice the national average! Give it up, everybody! Congratulations! Thank you guys so very much. We literally fished that out of the garbage. And thank all of you for joining us at the Ann Arbor District Library for the worst thing that's ever happened inside a center of learning. The reason Benjamin Franklin is sad, he invented fire departments. Thanks! That's it for us this week on Jordan, Jesse, Go.

Our special thanks to Eli and all the folks at the Ann Arbor District Library and all the folks in Ann Arbor who were so welcoming to us and to the literally hundreds upon hundreds of people who came out to see our shows in Chicago. Thank you so much for joining us and making our Midwest trip such a wonderful success. As usual, 206-984-4FUN, the number to call. Our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design. If you want to advertise on Jordan Jesse Go or any of our shows, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org, T-H-E-R-E-S-A.

And if you want to bring us somewhere, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. This was such a good time. We'll see you next time right here on Jordan Jesse Go.