Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 177: The Turn with Chris Hardwick

Episode Date: May 31, 2011

Chris Hardwick from The Nerdist Podcast and Web Soup joins us to discuss things turning bad.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

Just when you think things are about to turn sexy, they turn, well, not sexy. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful evening in Los Angeles following a beautiful day. Did you get outside at all? No, I actually just

flew in from Las Vegas this morning and have spent the entire day up till now in complete darkness. So as not to offend my senses, which are very delicate right now. Gotcha. Oh, I apologize.

If I speak too loud or if I make any upsetting sudden movements, just let me know. Okay. I got a little bit of a sunburn. Yeah, I noticed that. Walking the dog, I got a little bit of a sunburn. Yeah. Gotta get out there. Did you get outside?

You walked the dog. Did you walk him any place out of the ordinary, or is this just your standard walk? Well, I got two dogs, and they're both girls. I'm sorry. I missaid the gender of your dog. Hey, look. I feel like people shouldn't give you shit for dogs and babies saying that the gender is wrong. I called someone's girl baby a boy. I'm like, oh, what's he up to?

And they're like, it's a she. I don't know. I'm being a jerk, right? Who's the jerk? Them or me? You're a jerk. Yeah. There's no doubt about that. Now, in this situation. Babies don't even use Is it? Am I? I'm being a jerk, right? Who's the jerk? Them or me? You're a jerk. Yeah. There's no doubt about that.

Now, in this situation. Babies don't even use their gender, though. How do babies use their gender? For peeing. Oh, they just do it in a diaper, though. They don't even do it in a toilet. They're so, like, the gender of a baby is so unimportant. I should be able to call the baby he or she or it, and it should be fun.

Would you say that grandpa's genders don't matter? You could call a grandpa grandma because he doesn't have sex and he pees in his diaper. Well, grandpas like different shit than grandmas. All babies like pee jingling. And boobs. And boobs. Yeah. But, like, grandpa likes the History Channel, whereas grandma does not.

Our confused guest on the program this week. Yeah. But, like, Grandpa likes the History Channel, whereas Grandma does not. Our confused guest on the program this week, you know him, of course, from his hit television program, Web Soup on the G4 TV network. You know him from his beloved podcast, The Nerdist. You know him as one of our most frequent past guests, both here on Jordan Jesse Go and on The Sound of Young America, an old and true friend of ours, the hilarious Mr. Chris Hardwick. Gentlemen. How are you, sir?

I was marveling at, you know, you know, Jordan's cadence was crazy talk, but his words made a lot of sense to me. Thank you. Thank you. Weird. I was like like Wait a Oh he's kind of right

A baby's gender Doesn't matter For the first You know Year of its life Yeah yeah I think so Jordan has the

Affect of a nonsense talker Your dogs however Should have been Scissor fucking In the streets My dogs do My dogs do A fuck like thing

i like you know i like you know what's funny like when a dog starts humping something people always feel like they have to explain it to you so they'll go oh it's a she and she's fixed she's just doing that for dominance like i don't give a shit why she's doing it she's humping that that taco you dropped into the ground. Well, what my dogs do is I have two girl dogs, Coco and Sissy, and they like to sort of wrestle, again, for dominance. I think you're right, or that fictional person, that straw man that you created is right. I don't buy it.

I still feel like even if they're fixed, it feels good on their genitals. Actually. And they shouldn't be doing it. I'm thinking... You ready for the show I'm gonna pitch? Yeah. L Word puppies. Alright. It's another extension of the L Word franchise. Exactly. Except they're puppies

and they live life out loud and they wrestle. And they have... Chris, in their second season, can they get a little dirty? They can get a little dirty in the second season. Isn't that the new... They have to be femmy, though. They can't be too butch.

Yes, yes. And there'll be a ton of bad pun jokes, like, let's get some pussy, you know, like stuff like that. Oh, they would chase a cat. Yes, exactly. It's going to be... But then perform oral sex on its vagina. At the same time, actually...

Oh, they'd also do interspecies stuff. To confuse you. Yeah, just to confuse you Well, if I can get back to talking about An adorable thing that my dogs do Wait, has anybody watched The L Word? Or is this all just based on billboards? I've seen a few episodes of The L Word Okay

What's it like? Well, it's, you know, I don't know It just seemed like a show to me I didn't really feel one way or the other about it I was like, it's, you know, I don't know. It just seemed like a show to me. I didn't really feel one way or the other about it. I was like, oh, yeah, that's a good show. I don't like the Showtime

television programs. Dexter? You don't like Dexter? No, I haven't watched Dexter. All right. From what I hear, Dexter is the best of the bunch. Yeah, Dexter's a lot of fun.

There's plenty of it on the old Netflix On Demand. I don't watch it because... Oh, you might be upset by the murder. Yeah, I'm not into the murder. I mean, I think I could probably handle it,

but it's unappealing enough to me that... But they deserve it! Yeah. He's a serial killer who kills killers! But there's a certain tone with those programs.

I watched a fair amount of... It is weird that his catchphrase is let's get some pussy, though. Yeah, that is weird. But right before he drives a scalpel into someone's chest. It is strange. But that's, I guess, every Showtime show.

I mean, not to spoil it for you. Sorry. And it's weird that they would have such a gifted actor portray a dog. Yeah. I don't know why he has to say... Especially without a costume. I don't know why he has to cut a line to the middle of someone's sternum and say, I'm going to fuck your chest pussy.

Like, I don't know if that's... I don't know why you have to do that. But that's the thing about a Showtime show that I dislike a little bit, which is I watched a couple of episodes of Nurse Betty because I thought, oh, that Edie. Nurse Jackie? Nurse Jackie, there you go. Nurse Betty. The television show

based on... Starring Eve Arden in the 1950s. I watched some episodes of Weeds, and I watched probably too many episodes of Weeds, frankly, and I watched some episodes of Weeds, and I watched probably too many episodes of Weeds, frankly. And I watched some episodes of Nurse Jackie, and I think I watched an episode of The United States of Terror. And I haven't yet brought myself to watch the William H. Macy one because I'm worried because I love William H. Macy so much. Now, shameless to me was I'd never watch an episode of it either because it just to look too much like you know

it's it's a problem from and it might be a great show you know i i'm i'm i'm very nerdy and so i'm very judgmental on things and like the internet is just based on very little information like that right that's what we do but when i when i saw the trailers for shameless which they is that literally raped your brain with is that why you wrote fag on my forehead earlier no no no no, no, no. That's because I was deep inside you at the time. Gotcha. Trying to put it off on you.

It was really my problem. Gotcha. It was a whole raft of issues that you have yet to deal with. Exactly. But what's irritating about a show is when you can see it being pitched in a room in your head where you're like, this show's going to be fucking crazy. You know what? You think some of the other shows

have dirtbag protagonists. You have not seen Shameless. Everyone's, it's like, come on, really? The daughter is that super hot and she's a complete slut and she's like, they live in a hovel with all these kids. Like, it just, too much about it

just seemed like, all right. This is what I didn't like about the shows that I did watch. Oh, wait. Can we include Californication in this list of disasters? There's another one you can see. That's another one where you can see the pitch where Duke Coveney was like, I mean, he may not have pitched the show, so I might be making this up.

Yeah. Okay, here's the show. I'm a very famous writer, and every girl wants to fuck me. Yeah, because there's nothing that fucking Sunset Strip LA babes love more than a famous writer yeah they love them they love literary it's not like he's going around like portland fucking girls who work in coffee shops like maybe that's reasonable like maybe you know we were talking about neil gaiman earlier he could not set foot on the sunset strip without being coated in vaginas right exactly, exactly. Because L.A. ladies love writers. Love them. Yeah. The women fucking him in this

are the same types of women and probably even some of the same actresses that fuck the entourage guys. It seems like... Well, yeah. They want their vaginas to feel smart so they put writers in them. Right, sure. It's like they fuck the entourage guys and then Hank Moody, the writer. And so,

I just see the pitch and then him going, yeah, so I fuck all these women. And they're like, which women? All of them. Everyone that appears on camera. Every single one that comes in the camera, I'm going to fuck her. Really? Maybe there will be a waitress in a scene that I can't fuck immediately just because of time constraints. I will fuck her later in the season.

I mean, you can guarantee that if you see, if there is a woman on the show, I'm going to be inside of her. It doesn't matter. Every woman on the show. So just the idea that literally every woman who comes in contact with this are the hottest women. When you think about how often do you see them?

Chris, you don't go to a lot of book readings. I mean, I think that's your problem. Oh, yes, that's true. If you go to a reading, if you're at Stories in Echo Park. Or if I need to go to City Lights Books or something. I mean, I think that's your problem. Oh, I guess that's true. If you go to a reading, if you're at Stories in Echo Park. Or if I need to go to City Lights Books or something. Yeah, if you go to City Lights in San Francisco, you take a look around. What do you see?

You see crazy hot chicks. Spiked heels. Showing their tits. Right, sure. Yep. Just really low cut. It's like a fucking, it's like a crazy hot, it's like a Def Leppard video. Popping birth control pills

back in non-fiction. Yep, they love it. They love it. There is this thing on these programs and I watched like, because that Duchovny show came out right after the TV set that I loved

the TV set so much. What a movie. And I had just been watching Larry Sanders on which I think I would say David Duchovny's series, David Duchovny's

recurring guest appearances are maybe the best guest appearances I've ever seen by a guest actor. Oh, when he was on Larry Sanders? Yes.

Yeah, absolutely. He had the gay crush on Larry Sanders. Yeah, where he put on the robe. But I think Californication, and I'll justify the logic on this, Californication is Hannah Montana for middle-aged men. And here's what I mean by that.

Proceed. Here's what I mean by that. Hannah Montana ushered in a sub-genre of television programming that the networks refer to as aspirational. In other words, when little girls watch Hannah Montana, they watch because they want to be Hannah Montana, and they aspire to be, oh, I'm a rock star with a secret identity.

Same thing with middle-aged men. All the middle-aged men are like, yeah, yeah, I can fuck every... Yeah, and you know what? And that's a good point, and I think something that really speaks to that is that, I mean, obviously, Duchovny just acts awful in the show, but at the end of every episode, his estranged daughter just gives him the arms crossed.

Oh, Dad, I love you anyways. Look. So it's like, yeah, it is for all the divorced dads out there. But I'm not a deadbeat dad, even though do you think it is? Even though I vomited in my girlfriend or my daughter's bedroom while I was fucking someone. Do you think it's gonna be,

they're gonna take a super, like, dark turn where he fucks his daughter? Like, he gets really drunk and fucks his daughter and then it just takes this really awfully awkward... I mean,

is that any weirder than the weeds turn that it took when she started, like, fucking the Mexican drug cartel guy? That was such a bizarre, you know, the show mexican drug cartel guy that was such a bizarre you know the show started off it i mean it was such a fun concept when it started it was just

kind of a fun way you know we don't need to make money and then all of a sudden it turns like racist yes it turns into this insane like yeah likeane! Okay, so the thing that I don't like about this... I got sucked into the Californication because I wanted to love David Duchovny. And I'm still not against David Duchovny because I've loved him in some other things. Oh, he's clearly hilarious. Yeah. And he's not bad in that poorly written shitty show. To be fair, I think he does write some of it.

I'm not fucking anyone in this scene. I can just throw that in there. It's what we call the fuck bridge. Chris, I know you're not like a screenwriter. He writes the fuck bridge. He does some fuck punch up. He goes, I added some notes to this script. And the producer just goes, David, you just drew a picture of some tits on it.

Yeah. Well, but also that's my cock aiming at them. But the thing that I don't like about them is that they have this. They're casting these marquee actors and and so forth in an effort to create to create this veneer of legitimacy. Like they're confusing being for adults with being sophisticated. Right. And they're pitched to you as though they're these compelling character pieces. Yep. But basically they're just softcore pornography.

Like, they're really just, like, the level of comic sophistication on Weeds. And I'm going to be honest with you. What's the name of the woman who stars in Weeds? Mary Louise Parker. Yes. Almost said Mary Lou Retton. I almost said Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. Yes.

Almost said Mary Lou Retton. I almost said Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. Yeah. Mary Louise Parker is A number one, is great on that program. She's a gifted actress and spectacularly beautiful. And Kevin Nealon is very funny on that show. But basically everything else about it is horrible. I feel like the thing that links all the show telling programs is the most horribly written teenager characters that have ever been on TV. Like all the – they all have like impetuous dark teenage characters, Duchovny's daughter and all the Weeds kids.

Like they might as well say in every scene, it's time to Twitter my Bieber. Because it's just like all these fucking buzzwords. You know you're right. That's absolutely true. That seems to absolutely be true. Wow. You know what? Given the fact that I heard the woman who created Weeds saying that she knows how to write black characters because during the writer's strike, she played a lot of chess

in the park with black people. Unironically, she said this? She said this unironically oh god it was so horrible it's like no lady you're just a little bit racist here's how here's how television works and by the way we uh i still think californication is like uh dream on for the that's exactly what it is they should yeah they should they should clean it up and put it after married with children reruns on tbs i feel like they're pitching these shows to me as though they're The Wire with tits. But what they actually are is Dream On.

Now, this is the worst thing that I've ever heard in Hollywood. I was auditioning for something, and I cannot remember what it was. But a lot of times when you're auditioning for something, there's a lot of office doors and all the walls are thin and you can hear everything that goes on. And I heard someone pitching a show in one of the other rooms. And this was completely unironically. And he was talking about, it was assembling a reality show cast for something. And he goes, yeah. And then one of the other characters is like a fat black woman, but not like a fat black woman from Detroit.

That's been done. Like, we need is like a fat black woman But not like a fat black woman from Detroit That's been done Like we need another kind of fat black chick I was like first of all what are you talking about We need a fat black chick Not from Detroit Because that's been done What? And then it just made me feel like

Fat black Tampa This is the business I work in this is the business i'm in jordan that pitch involves uh it involves one of those giant notepads and just flipping back pages fat black tampa and the word tampa is inside the uh the outline of the city of florida yeah florida with a little star on Tampa. Yeah. But there's something where when I watch these programs,

I feel like they're trying to trick me. Like if I watch a regular network television drama, I think this is stupid because almost every network television drama is very stupid. But I think, but it's not trying to trick me into thinking it's anything other than what it is you're right so you're

okay i get i get what you're saying you're saying that you feel like the writing of over the top sassy characters is trying to trick people into thinking that it's intelligent writing yes it's it's absolutely and it's trying to trick people who are watching it into thinking they're watching something sophisticated. It's like how everyone watched The Shield and thought that the key thing about The Shield was that it had an antihero. And having an antihero meant you were sophisticated. Now, I never watched The Shield, and I know that's bad because apparently people love that show. But we are at a time period where most of the protagonists on television are anti-heroes most of the protagonists are despicable dexter don draper nurse jackie modern family like 30 rock like all of the

protagonists almost all the protagonists on television right now are like are horrible people i feel yeah maybe the only place you can go for black and white, good and evil, is Law and Order. Maybe that's the only place on TV where it exists. In United States of Terror,

I can't even... I love Toni Collette. I think she's a phenomenal actress. But every time I see the posters and it's just like, gee, this character and that, it just feels like a bad acting class. Makes me want to shoot myself

in the face. It might be great, but it's just like, oh, and then she's a trucker first of all i'm not 100 sure that's how multiple personalities work right i don't know i mean i'm not a psychologist i'm not a psychiatrist so maybe they do i think in one of them you're friendly rosanne and in one of them you're angry rosanne that's how i understand it right i just feel like her characters need to be getting more ridiculous like you can just see the

billboard like one of them she's in. One of them, she's in an astronaut suit. Another one, she's in an old-timey diving suit. Another one, she's dressed like a zookeeper with a curly mustache. She's a chef holding some pies. Holding a pie and a ladle.

But there's... All television programs are a little bit dumb. You know what it reminds me of is is when i was uh when i was a kid and i read comic books used to enjoy reading the spider-man comic books and uh i was born in 1981 so just as i was getting to be the egg coming towards the age of you know being done with childish things and being sophisticated. It was the early 1990s. And in the late 1980s and early 1990s, comic books were having their darkness revolution, like Batman Year One and all this kind of stuff.

And there was this comic book... Todd McFarlane was involved. Yeah. There's this comic book guy called Lobo. And Lobo was a DC comic book character that swore a lot and talked about tits and stuff Sure Voiced in the cartoons by Macho Man Randy Savage

Oh I didn't even know he was in there God rest his soul I didn't even know he was in cartoons But what I remember from that time is I remember even then looking at it And thinking It being pitched to me as this incredibly Sophisticated adult take

On the superhero or whatever. Like, no, this is just a superhero that swears. Especially now. I mean, I understand it when it's sort of an anti-movement or a rebellion against the standard fare. But when everyone's doing it, it's like, well, it's not punk rock anymore. It's not punk rock anymore yeah it's not punk rock anymore yeah on the other hand i mean even even your networks that do i mean i don't know if you guys have watched the game of thrones television program yes i have been watching game of thrones and that show too was i'm 50 50 on like half the time i'm like okay this is a good show and then

it's like the gratuitous two women fingering each other while a guy is narrating to them or something. I'm like, oh, come on. What are you – you know. Yeah, every – yeah. The only thing I know about the program is the – seeing the billboards and then having the sex act that was in the program described to me the next day. That's my only experience is like – I mean it sounds like they're pretty crazy sex acts. Well, there's this amazing thing that happened in that show, and I like it a lot, actually. I really enjoy it, but

there's this thing that happened at the beginning where this woman, who was a queen of something, got sold to this sort of savage king man. The savage, by the way, his savage race is made up of people

of all different races so it's not racist and also uh he wears eyeliner yeah he sure does and um so she gets sort of essentially sold to him and uh then he's he's like raping her a lot but then literally within three episodes she's like all the way on his team and as far as i can tell the like key turning point is when she learns how to fuck good like she's like well now that i can fuck good i don't have to worry about getting raped anymore that's the lesson it's just like just learn to enjoy the rape and then and i'm sure look i'm sure that there's people in our audience that read the books and it was much more subtly developed in the books or something.

But on the television program, which is as far as I'm going to go with this franchise. So your message basically is that if you're, just keep raping. And then ultimately, that seems to be the message of the show, right? And then she'll turn around. Well, yeah. It's like rape your way to goodwill. Yeah, because now she's completely in love with him. Yeah, she's totally on his side now.

Yeah. But then again, didn't she not come from a relationship where her brother was raping her too? Yeah, I think that's also possible that her brother was raping her. And surprisingly well adjusted for all the horrible things that have happened to her in her short life. She's got a pretty good attitude. You know, it's all about positive thinking. It's like you could make lemonades. You could make rapey lemonades.

Is that your Bronx motivational speaker character? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the character in Game of Thrones. Oh, good. They've got to add that character. Yeah, you, yeah. It's the character in Game of Thrones. Yeah, okay. He's got, they gotta add that character. Yeah, you just gotta keep, he's gotta keep at it. And he's always just,

he's constantly just punching a big thing of pizza dough, right? Yeah, he's always punching pizza dough. Never see the pizza get made. Yeah, he's got acid wash jeans on. Achduk Vini! You're right. I never, like,

I hadn't really thought of it that way, but that's exactly what happens. That is exactly the message. I mean, he literally, he's raping her. He sexually assaults her on a rock. She's crying. In the first, like, two to three episodes, it's just rape after rape. Yeah.

And in somewhat salaciously portrayed rapes as well. And they're like, they're, they're rapes. So is rape, the Game of Thrones is rape Right that's the game No I don't think so I think the game I don't know they haven't showed the game My best guess is foosball

You think it is Well I mean it's hard to say I would have said Chinese checkers It's more aspirational But I mean aren't all those little men on the foosball table Kind of being raped by giant poles If you think about it? Well, it is going through their sides.

Yeah. Yeah. That's true. It's not near their anuses. What happens is she is sexually assaulted. Like, it's on the spectrum. I mean, each one has its own level of rapiness. Some of them are sexual assault.

They do kind of try to shoot it like it's a sexy thing. And you're sort of like Well he's a savage I'm not cool with this He was ravaging this Very Anglo queen Yeah who looks like a 14 year old also Yeah that's true

And she looks like she's made of egg whites Yes Do they have anachronistic sax music? And then it's a red shoe diary and Duchovny reads it. Yeah, right. But then what changes, the turning point is she talks to a whore about how to fuck good. Yeah. You remember that scene, Chris.

That's why she was crying. She didn't feel like she was doing a good job, Jesse. Okay. Sorry. Not because of the rape. So I guess ultimately I'm 50-50 on that show and so when I see stuff like that I'm like, okay. Please.

But then some of the other stuff, like the story stuff I think is cool. I think they ruined that show with gratuitous rape and sex. I think they should just stick to the, like I love Sean Bean. Sean Bean is fucking awesome. And I love all the politics within each the... Like, I love Sean Bean. Sean Bean is fucking awesome. And I love all the politics within each of the families, within each of the regions, but... What about that mayor guy from The Wire?

He's on that show. Oh, and Peter... Looking sneaky as usual. Peter Dinklage? Yeah. One of the greatest actors ever. He's certainly the greatest actor I've ever seen at the Los Feliz Goodwill before.

Really? Yeah, isn't that cool? That's awesome. Yeah, that's like my only celebrity sighting since I lived in Los Angeles. Did someone try to buy him for 12 bucks at the Los Feliz Goodwill before. Really? Yeah, isn't that cool? That's awesome. Yeah, that's like my only celebrity sighting since I lived in Los Angeles. Did someone try to buy them for $12 at the Goodwill? No. I was on a plane with Kristen Wiig this weekend. Oh, not Kristen Wiig.

Kristen Bell. Sorry. That's so cool. Yeah, right? Did you talk to her? You may have even topped it. I don't know. That's pretty much the top two.

Yeah, yeah. That's the... topped it i don't know that's pretty much the top two yeah yeah that's the um oh and my uh my my co-worker um was behind her uh in the um in the security line and they made her take a bottle of suntan lotion out of her bag and smeared on kristen bell yeah yeah uh and uh so she she took it out she before she threw it away she puts them on her hands she turned around my buddy she's like you want some of this? That was pretty funny. Was this flying back from Vegas? This was flying to Vegas.

Like to Vegas. Yeah. Geez. Anyway, it's the trick element, I think, that bothers me. Kind of be the thing you are. But on the other hand, I have to say, I do enjoy nudity in television programs. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I don't. If there's going to be some... I enjoy when they throw in a little nudity.

Yep. I think it's the one thing the Golden Girls sorely lacked. A little bit of Blanche Devereaux. Yeah. Was that the first instance of the catchphrase, let's get some pussy? I think so. Was that the first time that ever appeared on TV? Yes.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was Dorothy. I just want to get my TV history correct. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Chris Hardwick, guest. It's great to have Chris Hardwick here from the Nerdist podcast. Of course, you know him from that hit podcast, a very popular podcast.

Soon to be a television show. Soon to be a television show. Soon to be a television show on the BBC America Network. Yes, that's true. Is your television program, is it going to be, is it going to be structured interstitially in a, uh, in a,

like, uh, dinner in a movie or DVD on TV type way, or is it going to be, no, essentially what's going to happen is there's, there's an interstitial element to this thing called the ministry of laughs where they're,

um, the BBC America is, is importing a bunch of Britcoms. Yeah. And so the idea is that I will host the night interstitially and then the last program of the evening will be the Nerdist show, which will not be interstitial. And it will be as much, you know, so like if we have a guest, whoever the guest is, you know,, they will sit with us for the entire show. And then you'll actually get to hear the full audio as an audio podcast. You'll get the full interview as an audio podcast. And then it'll still be a television show and there'll be an audience and we'll have a correspondent and that sort of thing. It'll have television elements that we can then pull out

and then release the full audio as a podcast. That sounds fun. This is one of their first American productions, is it not? It might be their first, yeah. They have an American news show, I think. I feel like they have an American

based news program. I might be making that up. Jordan? You're making it up. Gotcha. Sorry. I'm just here to clarify. I've been watching a lot of English antiques roadshow lately. Yeah, sounds like it. Here's the thing.

There's only one antiques roadshow per week. They have real antiques over there, too. I know. I was just watching one. Is this like Old Ladies with Swords? Like, is that the... This is from the Norman invasion. That's the subtitle of it.

And all the old ladies, by the way, are old ladies from Monty Python sketches. Old Ladies with Swords is a fetish site. It's got to be. Please, if you have any printed material, please send it to us for this plug. There are some confusing things about the English Antiques Roadshow because in some ways the American

show is a better show. They're definitely more committed to building the drama of each segment and telling the history associated with each segment. So I guess maybe it's like better segment produced or something like that i don't know who's who's in charge of those things but you notice on the antiques roadshow from england that they uh that they rarely remember

to like build it up so like oh what did you pay what's it worth here's the big reveal But number one The host is so much better than Mark L. Wahlberg The host of the American Antiques Roadshow And as I have said before on this program The world's worst Mark Wahlberg Why do you hate Mark L. Wahlberg so much? Because why is he even hosting that show? He's so disinterested He's so disinterested in everything that's going on well it's a popular

show he must be uh doing something right there's a lot of great things about the antiques road show markel walberg is not one of them and i'm not saying that markel walberg is a bad television host i mean i he was a game show host i think before he he did warm up for a ship my very first mtv show trash wow but um that being said you are saying that you just feel like he comes across like his heart's not in it. Yeah. He seems so distant and his enthusiasm feels so forced for anything. I do not watch this show. I can't picture this guy in my head.

Do you think he just comes across as super fuckable to women who donate to PBS? Like, is he just, like, is he just... That is some good logic. Maybe. I mean, you know, obviously public TV has to be kind of all about that donor base, you know? What do you think that they would... He is huge with old women with swords. Here's the thing.

He doesn't have that Alistair Cooke fancy gentleman quality about him. He's kind of boyish. He's handsome. He's a handsome man. I would not say otherwise. And like I said, I thought you were about to say, I would not kick him out of bed for eating crackers. He's, and again, a very competent television program host. But he's not, he doesn't have that air of sophistication that you would imagine someone might have if they wanted to be the fuckable host on PBS.

Or let's say if they wanted to host a show about... Or second most fuckable until Charlie Rose dies, right? So what you're expecting is some sort of silver fox to come on and go, Welcome to Antiques Roadshow. Yeah, or... Today on the program, a bevy of exciting items. Or just someone who seems... All about bureaus! Someone who seems to be interested in antiques and collectibles.

Hey, what you got over there? I would settle for that. Frankly, I would be happy. There are probably people who appraise antiques on with that? I would settle for that. Frankly, I would be happy. There are probably people who appraise antiques on that show that I would be more than happy. The Kino twins, of course. I think they do a

great job. They briefly host them. Should we really be getting deeper into antiques? Now, let me ask you a question. When one gets hurt, does the other feel pain? Does one transform into an animal and one transform into a liquid? Do they live in Soundwave's chest? The weird thing that, the other weird thing about the Antiques Roadshow in England is that the production values of the show are dramatically higher than the American show.

And I don't know, like, in England, they go to, like, fancy locations. Well, this is because, and I can tell you firsthand, we're having work for PBS. PBS puts little to no money into their productions. Little to no money. I was about to start tapping your PBS production expertise. But on the Antiques Roadshow in England, they'll be like, oh, we're in Devonshire at the castle of Lord Fotzelgraber. And then the lady will take you on a little tour of the castle. Or like, oh, we're in the railway museum.

And here it's like, we're in 29 Palms. We're in a room constructed by old tote bags. We're in the community center in Dubuque. Yep. You know, and they'll do seven episodes from the community center in dubuque yep you know and they'll do seven episodes from the community center in dubuque like can you imagine a less aesthetically attractive place than a convention center which is where they shoot every episode of the antiques that's what we got here that's what we got here but isn't that isn't that maybe also kind of part of it is the viewers

of antiques roadshow like to imagine themselves interacting with the hosts? Aspirational. Yes, right? Yes, this is kind of a Hannah Montana for kind of 50-year-old ladies who live in Vermont. Yep. And me. They want, yeah, you, they want Mark L. Wahlberg to come to their community center. And appraise their antics.

They want that amazing Crocodile Valise that was on. These old tits are worth a million dollars. These old tits that comes on after this old house, right? These old tits. That's where Bob Vila comes in and helps you spruce up your tits. With some cum. With some cum and a little bit of joint compound. Your show, though, Chris, Wired Science, it did have a set.

We did have a set, yeah. We did have a set. It was not an overwhelmingly elaborate set. But the show looked pretty good. Yeah, I thought it looked good. They shot it in HD. That's the thing that I don't understand is I feel like I know that my friend Adam Lissagor, who makes Put This On With Me, I know that he can make something look really good with what appears to be a still camera from 1986.

Yeah. I know that it has a robot inside of it that makes movies. I know that it has a robot inside of it that makes movies, but it basically looks like it should be a canon Eos Rebel from an Andre Agassi commercial. Right. And I know that he can make something that looks spectacular. Convention Center with literally the fonts on the Antiques Roadshow. It looks like something from a set of collectible shot glasses from 1976 featuring hand crank automobiles. My question is, how much do you think they would appraise your Andreagracy camera commercial? But again, maybe this is a distinct aesthetic choice

Maybe the viewer and the donator to PBS Doesn't want a slick, fancy production I'll tell you, they certainly didn't want Chris Hardwick's show They did not You know what's interesting about PBS There were a couple things that happened with Wired Science That made it go away And the first being that

Basically KCET, which was the local affiliate the local pbs affiliate in los angeles was the studio for wired science and the network being pbs now the way television works is that there's usually a studio who will produce the show and then a network that will house and air the show right and so they were they wanted to make a new program they hadn't had a new program on PBS in five years. And so a bunch of different affiliates... They did find some lost episodes of Are You Being Served. Yes, of course. They did find two...

And a couple of Keeping Up appearances. Sure. They did a four-hour documentary special about the lost episodes of Are You Being Served. So what they did was they had this sort of contest where affiliate studios around the country kind of pitched their own idea. And the DC affiliate, which is a very powerful affiliate, was not thrilled that their version of the science show that they pitched did not go. So there was no real support from a lot of people. This was hosted by Dan Cortez. Yes, of course.

Get Hardwick out of there. Do a lot of quick cuts. Right. But the other problem is that PBS, there's what they say they want and then what they actually want. And what they say they want is to attract younger viewers, which they should because a lot of their constituency is dying off. Literally dying. Literally dying off. But what you realize when you get in there and you try to give that to them is that they're too afraid to alienate their older donor viewers. So then they kind of get scared and they're like, yeah, well, fuck that other idea that we talked about before. Yeah, well, I think the big youth movement in PBS is they stop doing concert specials with the coasters and start doing concert specials with the Ventures.

Right. That's what the kids are enjoying. They make that big generational shift between 1956 and 1966. It's a five o'clock world. But I think, I mean, otherwise, I don't really have any complaints about working on the Wired Science Show. I became friends with all the Wired people. I started writing for the magazine.

It was fun. It was a good show, too. I got to interview Craig Venter, which was really awesome and a lot of really great... You know, it was fun to go to work and feel like I am the stupidest person in this room. It was really kind of fun to be surrounded by people like Elon Musk and tons of people that you're like, yeah, you guys are all smarter than me. So it was fun. I appreciate it.

I know that... There's something nice about making a show where you feel like, oh, my goal in making this show is to make it as interesting and informative as possible, as opposed to my goal in making this show is to do whatever it is that a regular television show is supposed to do because i did not feel that way on shipmates are singled out

i did not feel like i am the stupidest person in this room on pretty much anything i'd worked on up to that point in 2007 for wired science it was a it was a paradigm shift. Okay. Can I just touch on one thing that we brought up earlier, if you guys don't mind? Sure. Let's get serious. What happens is Coco and Sissy are fighting, and then one climbs up on top of the other. And if you can imagine a horse, and then if you put another horse on top of it sideways... Like a tinier horse or the same size horse?

The same size horse. But because it's on top, its feet are off the ground. Sure. But then the horse on the bottom is walking around. Yes. That's what happens with my dogs. That's pretty amazing.

Is there a YouTube video of this? Because I work on a show. One of my dogs will get stranded on top of the other dog and the bottom dog will be walking around while the other dog tries to put its feet on the ground. They're like C-clamping each other. Yeah. You know, when humans do it, it's called the Bob Vila. That's a very... around while the other dog tries to put its feet on the ground. They're like C-clamping each other. Yeah.

You know, when humans do it, it's called the Bob Vila. That's a very... Are you talking about these old tits? These old... Yeah, yeah. That was a special instructional segment. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you It's Jordan Jesse Goe. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us, the great Chris Hardwick. He's taking a nap over there. Gentlemen, I'm napping. He did have his sleepy cap on, to be fair. The eye shade means napping. The footie pajamas mean napping he showed up in a 19th century sleeping costume yeah with a little candle holder and a hat so um someone uh someone twittered uh jesse thorn is the michael jordan of overouncing words and I don't know whether or not

that's an insult. It seems like it's an insult. Do you do stunt over-pronouncing? I don't know. When they need someone to over-pronounce a word and they just can't do it, they gotta bring Jesse in. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. And he comes out to, y'all ready for this? Do.

Okay, say anti-disestablishmentarianism. Anti- disestablishmentarianism. Anti-disestablishmentarianism. I don't know how I would say it in real life. I don't know. This is not real life. What are we in? Are we in Inception?

Yes, this is the... What level is this? Does everyone have their totem? Talisman. What do you call it? Only a minute has transpired. Yeah. Okay. We're all in a van. It's going call it? Only a minute has transpired. Yeah. Okay. We're all in a van.

It's going over a bridge. Shit, wake up, wake up. On this program, so you know, Chris, we have a sort of Jumbotron-style sponsorship segment where our listeners

can have us share their message on the program for a bargain price. The current price is $100 for a personal message, $200 for a bargain price. The current price is $100 for a personal message, $200 for a commercial message. And, you know, folks write in to Teresa,

our development director, my beautiful wife, and they share their message, and then we share it with the audience, like at the ballpark. A lot of happy birthdays. Yep. We had a marriage proposal. Mm-hmm.

Didn't we? Yeah. Yeah, we did. We did. I thought that was a, huh? I don't know. I mean, I don't know why someone would want to do it like that. Yeah, no, it seems like a mistake.

It's foolish. Oh, God. How awful if she just didn't feel like listening to the show that week. Yeah, right. Honey, we really have to listen to Jordan. Nah, you know, I just. I'm going to let him back up a little bit. That's what I like to do for podcasts.

If I know I've got a road trip. I have a bunch of other shows to listen to. No, seriously, you need to fucking listen to them. Do you know that Paul F. Tompkins has one now? I've been listening to that. Last week we even had a personals ad. A guy named Dan in Portland wrote in and said, these are some of my best qualities.

I'm looking for a girl in the Portland area to go on a date with. Here's a picture of me. Does he have to pay another $100 for what you just said? Yes, he does. Yes, we are. Yeah. That's the thing is you are legally bound to us. You don't know when it's coming.

Yeah. But I mention it because I was looking at the forums and it looks like Dan got a date. So, yeah, this is just this testament to our way works. Yeah. OK, so sponsor on this week's program, Fen Eichner. There's a gentleman's name, Fen first name, Eichner last name. He is a masterer slash mixer. OK. He does mixing and mastering of audio recordings.

Where does he live? I don't know where he lives. However, I can tell you a little bit of some other things about him. Do tell. Number one, his services include mastering, mixing, recording, and also playing a broad variety of instruments. So if you need someone to play an instrument on your

recording, his instruments include drums, bass, guitar, keyboards, and vibraphone. No contrabass soon. Whatever. And he says he can do for your music the oral equivalent of kicking out a power jam inside your head. Nice. So if you listen to your music and you're like, oh man, this could really use a little bit more of that

You Dropped a Bomb on Me by the Gap Band action, Ben Eichner can drop it. His clients include Seashell Radio, Amos Lee, Devichka, and Past Sound of Young America guests, Calexico. If you really really a, if you really were a over-pronouncer, you would have really done a number on Devochka.

Devochka? You also might have said Calexico. Calexico. Boy, I want to know where this Eichner guy lives because we have some other podcasts we're launching in the Nerdist family that need audio engineers slash producers. Yeah, well, go to...

Vibraphone. Here's the deal. He says his rates are really reasonable relative to industry standards, and he is totally willing to hook up Jordan Jesse Go listeners. He says, in fact, specifically that if you tell him that you heard about this on Jordan Jesse Go, he will, quote, hook your shit way up, unquote. Wow. Isn't that great?

Yeah. Is that, now what is, how do you quantify that, hooking your shit way up? Oh, that's just a bump of cocaine. Oh, okay. The price is not different. No, he just, when you come into the office, he just lays one out.

He gives you a little blow. But I, if, I don't know if people are, I don't know if people who are listening are indie rock fans, but those are very legit bands. I mean, those are major national acts that he's worked with and for. So you can find out more information at feneichner.com, F-E-N-I-K-N-E-R.com, feneichner.com. And if you ever miss a URL on this program, you can go into our forum at forum.maximumfund.org and click on this week's sponsors post, and you can see the URLs of all of the sponsors.

That is a smart thing to do, setting up a forum subdomain. Yeah, absolutely. Got to have a subdomain. I should do stuff like that. You got a subdomain. But I don't. You got to subdom it, nerd. You got to subdom forum.maximumfund.

That was $100 well spent for Finn Eichner. Absolutely. We'll be back in just a second. Oh, if you want to sponsor a future episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go! Or any of our fellow Comedy Talk podcasts, Stop Podcasting Yourself or My Brother, My Brother, and Me, just email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. T-H-E-R-E-S-A. Can I sponsor a past podcast?

Yes, but only if you have a time machine. If you want to, for example... Bob Biele built you one when you worked at PBS, right? No, as a matter of fact, guys, let me just step into my TARDIS here, which I brought with me. Oh, that's what that is. Wait, you brought a TARDIS with you? I was...

Gonna go sponsor a podcast in the past. Lasts so long. Guys, I'm back. I sponsored a great podcast. Everything in my life changed. And I don't exist anymore. Maybe you killed one of my relatives. Maybe you noticed my diamond jacket.

You're Nazi gold. You're giant piles of Nazi gold. Shut up, boy who doesn't exist. Did you sell Jordan's grandfather's body to buy a diamond jacket? I did not sell Jordan's grandfather's body to buy a diamond jacket. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chris Hardwick, guest human. You are nearing a completely prone position. Almost. I'm going to start planking on your show. I'm going to flip over and plank. I was not aware of this planking phenomenon until yesterday.

I saw a picture of it on the internet. This is where a Taiwanese girl goes in front of Landmark and has a photograph taken of herself lying face down on the ground completely straight as though she was a board yeah planking has been around for about 14 years oh really what is it like what why do it i guess

i don't know i think it's like the same kind of thing of you know some people have a stuffed animal and they send it around the world oh right here's my here's you know here's timmy the goose in front of the eiffel tower you know i think's just a meme. It's just a cultural meme. And I planked George Takei. Wow. On my website. I was doing a talk show with him, and I just planked him. And I was like, well, I'll plank you, and I planked him.

Have you seen a picture of someone who's planking? Yes. It's amazing. It looks amazing. That's why it's so cool. It is so bizarre and compelling

to look at. Well, I think part of the challenge is planking on things that look like you shouldn't be able to. Like defying gravity or planking on things that there's an actual physics explanation for why your body is bouncing, but you think, well, intuitively, that shouldn't work.

But people do get hurt planking. Yeah. They do. Guy died planking. People are playing a dangerous game, I guess, is what you're... The most dangerous game. Yep. Boy, that's man. Nothing man for sport.

Recently on Jordan, Jesse, Go, we have been playing these calls from people telling us about times that their parents revealed something completely insane about their lives before they were born, about their parents' lives before the children were born. I was sort of inspired by the many, many revelations of this type that I have had in my life. The ones that led me to become a square as an adult. And there have been some really magical ones. One was this guy who called in recently and said he found out his father was a member of a frat that after he pledged it, he found out may or may not have been a front for the KKK. Oh my lord. Well, first of all Kappa Kappa Kappa is a big giveaway. Right.

I think that's exactly what I said at the time. And apparently Brian Fernandez, who's been screening our calls, Brian tells me that there is a call with some clarification on this issue. So let's take a listen. Hey, again, Jordan, Jesse, this is Josh. I was the one who called last week with the

story about my dad accidentally joining the Klan. You know, you mentioned that there should have been some signs that it was the Klan and not just a regular old fraternity. According to my dad, there was really nothing until the parties, and then maybe not all of the parties, but many of the parties, they weren't mixers, because you're not going to have any mixing with other frats when you're the Klan. There were a lot of discussions about which races on the campus they weren't particularly fond of. And you went there for law school, so there were a lot of Jewish students. So, yeah, there's that.

I hope that helped in any way. Just, you know, side note, I guess it's kind of pertinent. The Klan I joined was a co-ed gay and lesbian fraternity who also accepted straight members because they had to, and that's how I got in. I snuck in on a technicality. So, thanks

and have another good show, like I said last week. Bye. I love the idea of, oh, I accidentally joined the clan today. Yeah, boy, yeah. Fell right into that one. Taking off your over oh, I accidentally joined the Klan today. Yeah. Oh, boy, yeah. Fell right into that one. Taking off your overcoat, putting it on the coat hanger, taking off your hat. Martha, you're not going to believe what I did today.

I've had a bear of a day. Listen, I'm just a neat freak. I've never seen sheets so white. I don't know what they put in their laundry. Right. Is it this or Horrocks? Maybe just when they talked about the grand dragon he might have thought it was a dnd thing yes i think that i think that it's it's interesting that the logistics of

planning a mixer when mixing is one of the core things you're against that's true um no i mean but you know but i guess to them, you know, it's all relative. Like, to them, mixing with, you know, someone whose heritage is from Northern Ireland and someone whose heritage is from Wales, I guess to them that is, you know, out there and tolerant. That's pretty outlandish. You're really going out on the edge there. Sure. Okay, we got a couple more of these Revelations calls this week. Hey, JJ, this is Jesse from Louisiana.

I know you guys are probably winding down on the parental revelations, but after listening to the others, I had to share mine. After my dad had told me the stories about him going to work at the nuclear power plant on LSD, I kind of braced myself to expect anything. But out of nowhere on New Year's Eve last year, he got a little intoxicated and told me about my sister that I had never heard about ever. Apparently, he got some girl pregnant about 30 years ago

and convinced her to convince her boyfriend that it was his. After a couple of weeks at TASMAT, Matt had talked for a flight on this. I then told him I'd be really interested in meeting her if he actually knew where she was. He then informed me that he didn't know that that was something that would be so important to me. If he had, then he would have told me about my other three additional brothers that I had also never heard about.

See what fucking gets you? To date, I've never met them. But, man, that was a mindfuck. I think the main concern with this situation, you could accidentally fuck your sister. Like that. I mean, I guess there's always a chance you could do it. Or brother, depending on what fraternity you snuck into. Yeah, this guy, depending on his orientation no i mean this guy yeah this guy uh depending

on depending on his orientation i mean that just be that that that that game is called worse and worser so you find out a horrible thing and then just sort of casually afterwards like oh yeah yeah and there were actually three others what so like literally trying to wrap his mind around this one Have you ever met You know your uncle Momar Sure Okay One more here Hello Jordan and Jesse and guest That's me

I have a story about my mother Growing up That was a topic that's still going on And making me laugh And this reminded me of a time when I was a child. I am 40 years old now, and I was probably like 8. And my sister, who's younger than me, found a hairbrush in my mom's drawer and was combing her doll's hair with it.

And she was excited because she found this new brush. It was big, and it was perfect for combing her doll's hair. It was big, and it was perfect for combing her doll's hair. And then my mom gets home, and just her face, she lit up. She got very mad, and I thought she was going to kill my sister. I don't know what was going on until she took the brush away from my sister, and the handle was a giant black cock. That was scary.

And then my sister was handling it all day, which made me kind of laugh. That was very funny and scary. I don't know where she got it. I'm from Nebraska. It was pre-internet. I have no idea where you'd find something like that. And I really kind of don't want to know Why my mother would have something like that

Still So thought you might enjoy that Love the show Ladies like to have orgasms Like men like to have orgasms Yeah, is this just a dual use dildo? I'm confused Or is it just like a novelty brush?

I guess it just comes I think you'd buy it at the hairbrush store And it would say hairbrush and then in parentheses underneath with a handle that just so happens to be shaped like a big black cock. That's a lot of words to put on the front of a box.

Well, I mean... It just so happens to be shaped like a big black cock. It's not unprecedented. If you think of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, that's a very long name for a product. I'll tell you where that thing wouldn't have gone over was that other guy's dad's fraternity. Yeah, yeah.

That would not have gone over there. That would not have gone over there. But what's amazing to me is that they've taken the time to sort of give an ethnicity to this hairbrush dildo. Well, what's surprising to me is that the mom would get so mad i mean yeah it seems like you should just you should just play that one cool obviously the little girl doesn't know right like seems like you should be like now you've aroused her curiosity give that to mommy and then take it away but it seems like the yelling fit makes it memorable for life and then when

you're 12 you're like oh fuck that was mom's dildo like and now that girl when she's older cannot come unless she gets fucked with a brush right see those seeds get planted at a very young age true we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you own television program, are you going to do it from that low in the chair? Yep. Slouch hosting is what I call my... It's sort of for the kids who are like, oh, I want kids... It's me trying to connect with the younger generation. I don't want them to think I give a shit too much.

You want to give them some straight talk. So I slouch down as far as I can go until it compacts my coccyx and lets everyone know, like, that guy is really cool because look how he can slouch host. Chris Hardwick's straight talk with teens. You know, the problem is that the chair that I'm in is a very old and beautiful wooden chair.

Yes. Made by my granduncle, Phil. Okay. Well, the little support beams back here were digging into my back, so Icle Phil. Okay, well the little support beams back here were digging into my back so I slouched. Oh, I'm sorry. That's okay. It's a gorgeous chair. It's a beautiful chair. My granduncle Phil made it.

Really? He actually made that's an interrogation chair for the CIA. Oh shit. You put a perp in there. Do you have any knowledge or association with the Communist Party? No. What are you talking about? Ouch, my spine. I just think we should all have what everyone else

has. Communists! Chris, you really should make a straight talk for teens type television program. I think you pitch it as, I've teens already love you because I've singled out. Sure. You got an in. That's your pitch. Yep, there an in. That's your pitch.

Yep, there it is. That's your pitch. You got your finger on the pulse of America. And, you know, you're just talking about the issues. Smoking dope. Yep. Back alley dice shoots. Sexting. That's me recovering the singled out reference.

As you probably know, Chris, on Jordan, Jesse, Go, we ask listeners to call in when something momentous happens to them for the Momentous Occasions segment. Okay. We have three... Is there a song for them no momentous occasions when something big happens did you go there is now yeah i can use your little vibraphone hard way momentous occasions shit's going down Fen Eichner Get on that for us

Can you put some vibraphone on that? Yeah right Put some cool vibes on there We have a couple of momentous occasions this week Let's go to the tape Hi I'm calling in my very first momentous occasion My name is Angie

And I'm calling from St. Louis Park, Minnesota, which is a suburb of Minneapolis. I'm a fairly new listener, and I was listening to the podcast while cleaning out my closet, which is located on the second level of my home. And I sort of thought I heard some sirens. It's been raining all day, so I came downstairs, turned on the TV. Sure enough, there's a bunch of warnings for tornadoes and thunderstorms and things, but it's sort of north of my area. But now this evening, as I was making dinner and watching the news recap of all of the crazy

storms that were going off, I just learned that there was indeed a tornado that touched down in my neighborhood at 2.11 p.m., which was about the time that I was listening to Jordan and Jesse go in my second level of my home in the closet. So thank goodness I didn't get carried away with the tornado. But that is my momentous occasion for you. You know, when this started, maybe it was just because we had been talking about, like, Red Shoe Diaries and Showtime programming. But when she started, I'm like, sounds like this is going to get a little bit sexy. It's my first time calling. I haven't.

I've only started and now it's just cleaning. And then when she talked about tornadoes, I felt bad about how turned on I was kind of in the beginning. Anyway. I lost my pants. Sure. You know, Jordan, you and I are both California natives. Chris Hardwick, of course, is from Memphis, Tennessee

or Andenvirens. Mm-hmm. That was pretty good Chris Hardwick knowledge I just busted out there. That's not bad. Deep Hardwick. We're both native Californians.

We've both been through terrifying earthquakes. Sure. But people will come to California and they will unload on you about how they can't believe how you live there because of the earthquakes. Sure. And these people live in places where there are tornadoes.

Yeah. I feel like every, I mean. Tornadoes happen like all the time. Yeah. Like every year there's a new tornado. Or several. Yeah. Like, every year there's a new tornado. Or several. Yes. Like, all the time, tornadoes.

It's like an earthquake is something you figure is going to happen eventually. A tornado is something you can count on. If you're in tornado country, here come some tornadoes. It's going to be, is it a murderous twisty cone of air or just a terrifying twisty cone of air? Well, you know, but then it's sort of like you're playing the odds. Like, well, that funnel has to touch down in exactly the right place to really fuck me over. So you're sort of playing the odds that it's not going to touch you. I guess so.

I mean, it's not like a hurricane where literally just the whole area gets lifted out of the ground. I'm just terrified of these things. These things genuinely scare me. I lived in Louisville, Kentucky. I was actually born in Louisville, Kentucky and grew up in Memphis. And Louisville has a horrible tornado problem. Such that everyone has a separate apartment in their basement. And when there's a tornado, you open all the windows in the house

to depressurize it, I guess. And then you go down to your house basement, and you live there. When you said tornado problem, it sounded a little bit racist. It was. It sounded like the tornado problem was that they had started busing poor students

to the rich side of town. They've started busing darker tornadoes into the whiter tornado neighborhoods. I thought maybe minorities were riding in the tornado to the nicer parts. Like it picked them up in the tenements. They can go to school here, but we're not picking them up. You're going to have to use the weather. Right. You're going to have to use your weather machine.

Sorry. There is a certain appeal to me to having a storm basement that i will admit i that does because you want to get into canning you know like those those big doors that you open up that go into the ground you know what i'm talking about that is that does seem kind of neat to me yeah that you know and to have a separate living space that's sort of unique that's also also yours, that you can sometimes go down to. I feel like I'm staying at a different place. It's sort of a larger underground version of the classic podcast closet.

You know how we all have a closet we go into to listen to our podcast? I think you and Teresa just have some sick thing with the movie Twister, where you reenact scenes and you want to get a storm cellar. That's not sick. That's totally normal. Guys, F5. F oh yeah helen hunt boy yo yoing was that a boner popping i um recently heard about your podcast from a friend of mine and listened to it for the first time today and i got to the part where you talked about monumental things happening in your life. And I was like, oh, that's cool, but nothing monumental ever happened.

Wait, stop this right now. Stop this right now. She's calling about monumental things, not momentous occasions. Yeah, she's going to talk about going to Stonehenge or something. I don't know. She sounds cute. I'm going to let it slide. No, she's going to talk about a tragedy, and then you're going to feel bad.

That's how these things always work. This could turn sexy at any time. No, it probably won't. I'm home from work right now, and I'm in Miami. And I look to my left, and I see a guy running, no big deal, except for he is running in a full gas mask. It's not the kind that just goes over your nose and mouth. No, it goes over his whole face.

Miami's a dirty place. The thing on my car says it's 94 degrees outside. It's 94, and this guy's running in a full gas mask, and I have no idea why, and it is crazy. All right, thanks. And she started masturbating? Didn't get sexy? When does the masturbating happen?

Never got sexy I don't know It might have been a stoner thing Don't stoners construct gas mask bongs? I don't know if they run Yeah, no, that's true They go for a jog Yeah, I'm gonna go do some weed jogging

Get super big, do some cardio But I'm still gonna keep my Run boxing Bong mask on When I do distance stuff, it's so cool. It's so much better if you're high. Cardio, because you're gasping for oxygen, and what you're pulling in is just all the weed. Fucking weed.

It's so sweet. Dude, after like a 2K, you're so fucking high. Dang, bro. Run to the pizza shop. I think that the full head gas mask, that's called gas mask nightmare edition, isn't it? Yeah. Like when you go from beyond the kind of painter's person using spray paint professionally face mask to the full on over the head Darth Vader shit. You know, I wondered about getting a gas couple gas masks in my house.

Yeah. Or just some sort of a In case somebody tear gases your house, for example. Or something, you know, like what if there's some sort of horrible attack and then I think you know, if it happens, there's just no getting away from it. Yeah. No getting away. It's gonna be hard to someone whose

date on a boat didn't go well turns against you. Yeah, yep, that's right. I knew that show would come back to haunt me. No, I turned my life around. I changed a lot of things about what I do, and now I do fulfilling work.

Wired science, you guys. Public problems. I'm so mad about boat date. To be fair, I don't know if WebSoup is fulfilling to work to the community. Oh, okay. Fair enough. I mean, we are literally showing people exploding airbags into their balls. We're providing a community service.

That's about safety. That's a safety message. Then there's a lot of cyst popping and maggots and wounds. There's a lot of, like, cyst popping and maggots and wounds. It's roughly as much service to the community as is an evening with the Coasters 6. I guess that's true. That all the kids are enjoying. Yeah.

Okay. We got one more here. I feel like I've seen Gloria Estefan on PBS a couple times. I know. I don't understand how they... Why would you... Look. Miami Sleep Machine. Yeah, right.

There are other Latinas. You know, like Gloria Estefan? Yep. Well, she's sort of the grand dame at this point, right? Of Latinas? I guess so. Do you think gay Latino men love Gloria Estefan? Still?

Yeah. And I'm going to say say would you categorize her as Latina because she's Cuban well I think PBS does okay PBS is definitely she might get involved in one of those complicated Cuban ethnic identity

ethnic slash political identity issues where she's like a light skinned Cuban that was a member of the ruling class before the revolution came. We could cast her as anything. It's like how you could cast an Italian guy as an Arab or a Spaniard or whatever. And actually, in the PBS special,

she does play a Spaniard. To white people, foreign is just foreign. She wears a full Bolero outfit. Yeah, there's three foreigns to white people. It's like there's Spanish types, there's Asians, and then Europeans. And that's it. And Borat.

And Borat. It's funny that ethnic issues came up once again, given the content of this last momentous occasion. Okay. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Go. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. This. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Go. I'm calling with a momentous occasion.

This is Sarah in Boston. I'm a college student, and I'm home for the summer. And I live in a coastal town in Massachusetts. And I had to get a girl roommate. You can get. And so I went to this. I just want to say, this is about to turn dark, and I don't... Are you saving me

from making... Okay. You know what? You can hear... Yes, you're right. You can hear the trepidation in her voice, like something is about to not be cool. Okay, here we go. Fundraiser luncheon event

held at our yacht club, which, you know, that's pretty much the worst kind of person, someone who belongs to a yacht club. So that gives you sort of an idea for the crowd. And we're sitting there, and the lady who's sort of running it says, we have two special guests for you here today, President Barack Obama and Osama bin Laden. And I'm skeptical because, to my knowledge. She's skeptical because, number one. One of them is dead. I mean, look, she didn't see the body. They buried it in the ocean.

Maybe there was something fishy going on. I'm pretty sure Obama has in his rider that he's not going to appear with Bin Laden. But I don't know. I haven't seen it. Who booked these? Maybe if they said Obama and Mitt Romney. It would be unlikely but possible. That would be kind of fun, too.

Okay, so do we want to speculate? I still think there's going to be some hot lesbo action. I'm holding out. Why are you holding on to that? I just want there to be. So you think they're introducing Bin Laden and Obama and then two ladies are going to come out and go down on each other. I think she'll be so disgusted

at whatever racist thing they're about to do that she'll leave and then discover a side of herself that she never knew existed. Here's what I'm guessing. My speculation is that there's going to be a severely racist interpretation

of these two people. Like, to the extent that maybe one of the Yacht Club members might be in blackface. Okay. Osama Bin Laden recently died, so I'm already thinking this is going to be a little iffy. She's smart. And sure enough, out comes what is clearly an old white man dressed in traditional Arab garb with a fake beard,

and then another clearly old white man in a suit and black face. Yay! And he's just standing there waving to us. Oh. Hardwick, slam dunk. I didn't know what to do. It was one of the most jarring experiences of my life. Oh, my God.

Let me say that. Wait, wait. Yeah, pretty momentous. I was pretty speechless when that happened. I found kind of out-racisted self on that one. It's a pretty big accomplishment for them. yeah thought that was momentous uh i love the show talk to you later bye so to be fair obama's half black so so that's he's mixed race so it's um you know mixed black mixed face and i just want to make it clear that i did not say yes because I thought it was awesome.

I was celebrating the fact that I predicted this horrible, I was impressed too, that you were able to. It is shocking to me that that still happens. Yeah. Shocking to me. Here's what I'm curious, what was the content of the presentation? Did they just come out and wave and everyone

laughed? Did they have banter? Was there a song? Like, what do you do? Like, I mean, I get that you can, like, create these offensive outfits, but did they plan a little presentation? Like, is it like a law school follies show? No, in their little writer's room at the Yacht Club, they were like, it's just gonna be hilarious enough to have them there. They're not gonna have to say anything. Yeah, you know, shake some hands. We don't wanna gild the lily.

Mm-hmm. Now, we've already got this beautiful joke. Who was this girl and why was she at the Yacht Club? Okay, so she lives in a coastal town in New England. And so she, her family, I think she said, were members of the Yacht Club. She's against

Yacht Club. Oh, I want to see a YouTube video of this. Anyway. Yeah, there might not be. Yeah, I know. Oh my god. Probably not a real tech savvy crowd. That's shocking. there might not be. Yeah, I know. Oh, my God. Probably not a real tech-savvy crowd. That's shocking. I told you.

Fucking shocking. I told you things take a turn for the non-sexy Jordan. Yeah. Eh, who's a little sexy? We'll be back in just a second

on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Chris Hardwick, Carbon Carrier. Okay. I have carbon in me. Yeah, that's true.

Good. That's a good point. Yep. We all do, don't we? Hey, come on. Why you gotta squash my glory? Sorry. Why you gotta squash my carbon glory?

All I'm saying is there's only one America's Radio sweetheart. It's true. How many boy detectives have you had? It's not me. It's Ira Glass, as many emailers have reminded me. Yeah. A lot of boy detectives, too. Every year, another kid puts on a hat and grabs his magnifying glass. Puts some gum on his shoe.

Yep, sets out there to unseat me. I had Ray romano and mike royce on the sound of young america this week uh number one uh they could not have been more fascinating uh wonderful funny guys they are the co-creators of men of a certain age on the tnt network which is an excellent show and i got the angriest email from that classic emailer to Jesse, a person who listens to The Sound of Young America on Jordan Jesse Go.

And it's a person who listens to The Sound of Young America on public radio and is upset that it isn't youth content. They were so profoundly upset That I would interview these middle-aged guys About middle-aged guy issues On The Sound of Young America

So angry Like a solid three-inch paragraph What do you think the tapestry of that person's life looks like? I wonder that When I get these emails sometimes It's a cat-based tapestry Heav person's life looks like. I wonder that. When I get these emails sometimes... It's so cat-based. It's a cat-based tapestry. Heavily cat-based. What I think, sometimes I think, oh God, that

person is so pathetic that they would spend all this time writing to complain to a public radio show about something that dumb. But then, lately, this is what I've been thinking. They're not actually pathetic. They're actually impressive. Because I think what it is isn't so much that they dedicate so much of their lives to complaining. It's just they've so dedicated their lives to taking care of business that when something comes up that they don't understand they still, they just get that letter

taken care of. They're like, oh, this bothers me. I gotta write a quick letter for that. They write a letter, send it off, boom, done. Just because they take care of so much business during their day, they come up with an idea for invention, they write the patent, they send it to the

patent office. No, no, no. They're wasting inventing time by writing fucking stupid letters to people in their house where the windows are painted black. And Anne Ramsey is in the room going, Owen, get my ear medicine. That is what their life looks like. Because why would you? I mean, you know, and I get hate mail sometimes. Sure. Anyone who does anything, even remotely public, which is most people now, thanks to the internet. Right.

You get the angry emails. I get hate mail, too. Then you start to realize it's not entirely about you. It's like you were just sort of the little hair that dropped on the landmine that was about to go off anyway yeah i mean i i don't even frankly i don't even blame the guy who earlier tonight wrote fag on my forehead oh that was me yeah no i didn't do that you're just no but but i don't blame the stately bearded gentleman that just came on my chest. Thank you, I see everything is normal now.

Oh, it's Bob Vila. These little tits. There you go. He was trying to fix your tits. He was trying to, yep. Yeah, you know, I really just feel like it's not about... I mean, you get the kind of vitriol

that should be directed at people like Mussolini. Like the fact that you... People who have done something bad. Yes. Not just who have been insufficiently good. I mean, I've gotten tweets from people that say, I hope you fucking die horribly. I'm like, is that really the appropriate level of anger? I've gotten stuff like that before, too.

But what's amazing about it is, I don't know if this is how it works for you, still makes me feel bad. Of course. Of course it makes you feel bad. You know, the reason it makes you feel bad is because you're a sensitive, caring individual. You're a human. You're a human being and you put yourself in the state of mind of, like, you imagine you in your right frame of mind walking up to someone and literally saying in their face, I hope you fucking die horribly. And you play it out in your head and you go. That was just like the worst day of your month.

Yeah, you will remember that for your whole life. You spit in someone's face. Like, that is the worst thing you could do. And so it just kind of makes you, it makes you sad for humanity. It really just makes you feel like you really exist in a state where you feel like it's okay to say that to people. I get sad in a broader sense rather than that one guy. I know there are a lot of Jordan Jesse Go listeners out there right now. They're listening to this right now. And they're thinking, I wish Chris Hardwick would die.

Um, but I don't just want to send him that message on Twitter. Right. I want to deal with this face to face like a man or woman. I see where you're going with this. Maybe I want to pay a small cover charge. Maybe a two drink minimum would be appropriate. Now,

I don't want to give the impression that it's okay to come pay to see my live shows and bitch me out and or shoot me. I don't think anyone who has ever listened to Jordan Jesse go would bitch out Chris Hardwick. Come on, our listeners are class acts. They're going on dates together, for God's sake. This is true. This is very true. Yes, I'm... You went to MaxFunCon.

You remember how nice everyone was. MaxFunCon was a joy. we have the greatest listeners in history max max fun con was was fun camp it was just just fun camp it's like living inside a hug yep in the middle of the mountains that you almost die getting to because of the fog banks yeah but that's what there's a there's an adrenaline rush that's why it's so much fun we We made it. That's the excitement. We all made it. Well, most of us made it. Most of us made it.

Right. Bill died. I will never forget the night of driving up to Max FunCon with Mike Furman at night to Lake Arrowhead, where the fog was so thick that we're driving on this no guardrail, where he literally was walking in front of the car And feeling To make sure you wouldn't go over a cliff Mike Furman became a seeing eye

Human Because the fog was so bad And I just slowly followed behind him That's how bad it was It's like a horror movie Something grabs him and pulls him into the fog And then it's just you alone in the car And then you gotta deal with it.

Luckily, that didn't happen in year two, but I did change all of the descriptions of how to get there to emphasize leaving at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. Because what happened was a bunch of people left, because it takes about two hours to get there from L.A., And a lot of people left around four because the registration ended at six. They left around four, got caught in some going out of L.A. traffic, and then just darkness and fog fell. Just k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k- fire. You may. You will have to answer some riddles. And all these people, like, I went up there at, like, you know, 1.30 or something like that, and I'm like, this is beautiful. Like, what a wonderful drive. Like, what a joy this is. And then... You have your scarf and your driving goggles on.

These people that left 45 minutes after me are like, oh god, I'm so glad I'm still alive. Give me some hot cocoa. You should just pretend that that's part of Max FunCon. It's like, yes, you're going to have the maximum allowable amount of fun because you thought you were going to die and you didn't, and now you really appreciate the con.

But Max FunCon, it's great. I'm so excited about it. Max FunCon's coming out. Me and Jordan are going to do it. Jordan and Jesse, go there. Awesome. We got a bunch of new, we got a bunch of, you know, we rotate the people. We got to rotate the people for entertainment value. We got Greg Barron who's going to be there. Awesome. We got a bunch of new, we got a bunch of, we got a bunch of, you know, we rotate the people.

We got to rotate the people for entertainment value. We got Greg Barrett who's going to be there. Oh, he's the best. We got Josie Long coming all the way from England.

Great. Stand-up comedian Josie Long. She's very funny, a very charming young woman. We got the Upright Citizens Brigade. We sold this thing out in January. I don't know why

I'm plugging it, but it's going to be a blast. To make people feel bad. I'm excited about it. But for those who might have missed you at max fun con one performing stand-up and of course with uh mike firman as hard and firm that's right we did do that and then i solo am performing on uh i've named my tour the chaotic good tour which in my estimation is the best alignment you can have if you play dndD is chaotic good. It's the Han Solo alignment. He's a lovable rebel.

Lovable rebel. But yeah, so I'll be Saturday, June 4th, I'll be in Seattle at the Showbox at the Market. And then June 10th I will be doing two shows at the Magic Bag in Detroit. And then June 11th I will be in Dallas at the Granada Theater. And then June 17th and 18th at the Arlington Cinema Draft in Washington, D.C.

And you will have a blast of a great time if you go see our friend Chris Hardwick. That's the sound. And you know what? I'm going to give the classic sound of Young America guarantee, Jordan. Sure. That's great. Second base. If you take a date, the classic sound of Young America, Jordan,

you will touch a boob. You will touch a boob. Or if you're a lady, you will touch a butt or a ball or whatever. Yeah, what's touch a ball? Is second base to a woman getting her boob touched? That is so clinical the way you described it. It's like a woman with a glove just poking a ball. He was right.

I got my ball poked. I'm going to make T-shirts say I got my ball poked at Chris Hardwick. I want ladies, give us a call at 206-9844-FUN. Give us a good, solid ladies definition of what second base is for you. I think it's having your boob touched. No, but he's saying the reverse. Like if a lady gets a second base with a guy. No, no, no.

I know, but I think it's. Ladies do like to have their boobs touched. It feels nice for a lady, but it's not the same. It's not like a thing you're doing. Yeah, but I think when you're touching a genital but it's not the same. It's not like a thing you're doing. Yeah, but I think when you have your... When you're touching a genital, that's getting into third. I mean, I think...

What about a butt? Does a lady like to touch a guy's butt? Yeah, but guys don't really have a lot of other sensitive, sexy parts. I mean, you know, other than that business. Sure. So what about their butts? Well, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. I think it's just when a boob. Yeah. I still think, I think

it's just when a boob is touched. That is second base for both parties. You're rounding those bases together. It's not a separate thing. Testicles are dick tits. That's true. Oh, maybe you're right. Okay, it's touching the balls. So, there's that. Oh gosh. If you want to call in with a momentous

occasion, like the time you listened. Momentous occasion! Someone put on blackface. Something awful is happening and I got a load of it with my eyes. Osama and Obama. Momentous occasion. White people are the worst type of people. Stay away from yacht clubs.

206-984-4FUN is the number to call. We'll be back next week with a hopefully less vulgar edition. Was this particularly vulgar for JJG? Jordan Jesse Goh is a vulgar program. I'm not going to try and sell it to you as Heidi. Weird. But I think this was notably vulgar. Up there?

I feel bad. I feel like that's my influence. No, that's Showtime. That's all the Showtime TV network. That's what started us talking about all this nonsense. I blame Showtime. I blame premium cable. Okay. All right.

Well, it was an honor, and I also apologize for filthing up your Jordan Jesse Go podcast. Nah, people love it. Chris Hardwick's significantly less filthy podcast is called The Nerdist. You can find it online at nerdist.com. And soon you'll be able to see it on television, BBC America. Yes. In the meantime, you can watch some episodes of the hit program Web Soup on the G4 television network. If you don't have DirecTV.

Can't watch my own fucking show. To be fair, there's a lot of college basketball you could get. Let's be honest. If you just watch a television show, the odds are Chris Hardwick is hosting it. I mean, it's possible

that Dave Holmes is hosting it, but probably Chris Hardwick. Between the two of them. I've discovered that I'm very similar to Ryan Seacrest, but with more nerds and less money. You don't use a helicopter to go from one job to another. You know, I actually wrote on Twitter that I was going to start calling myself C++Crest.

And Seacrest tweeted back at me, I'll parse code any day with you. And I was like, wow. Oh, dang. There you go, Seacrest. I was me I'll parse code any day with you And I was like wow Seacrest I was very impressed I was in this Fast Company magazine List of the 100 most creative people In business And I was going to act like it was not

A ranking Until I saw that I was Because I was like number 77 or something like that But Ryan Seacrest was number like 81. And, uh, so I was like, Oh yeah,

it's a ranking. I didn't get to Lord it over. That's pretty awesome. They asked me to submit for that. And so I sent them a song that I made a fake inspirational song. And I guess they didn't like it cause I, a fake eighties inspirational song called go for it. Um,

okay. We'll be back next week on Jordan, Jesse, Guy. Here comes the kick! Because we're in Inception.