Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 180: Mushroom Omelettes with Jonah Ray

Episode Date: June 20, 2011

Jonah Ray from The Nerdist Podcast joins us to talk about crazy things going down in Hawaii.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

There's much talk of Hawaii, including my cocktail party story. Our guest, Hawaiian native Jonah Ray. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm your host, Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Distinctly unpleasant weather. Oh, go. I'm your host, Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Distinctly unpleasant weather today in Los Angeles. You're not enjoying it?

I found it to be a little bit too hot, a little bit too overcast, a little bit too muggy. What is this, Washington, D.C.? Here's what I'm doing today that I'm kind of enjoying. What's that? Shorts, t-shirt, and a sweater. See, I can't. Yeah. Jordan,

I've got a reputation to maintain. No, I'm just saying I'm enjoying being in this. It feels good. Yeah,

Jordan. Pushing up my sleeves. Yeah, Jordan. No. I have a life to lead, Jordan. I'm a family man now.

All right. I get it. I can't go around in a fucking sweater and shorts. Okay, I mean. Who the fuck am I, Jordan? Hey, but you know, I'm living family man now. All right. I get it. I can't go around in a fucking sweater and shorts. Okay. I mean, you know. Who the fuck am I, Jordan?

Hey, but, you know, I'm living life for you there, Jesse. Whatever. Republican presidential candidate Huey P. Newton? Well, you're cooped up here buying baby monitors and polishing your wedding ring. I'm out there carousing, wearing shorts and a sweater. What if the baby says something important, Jordan? And I'm not monitoring the situation.

Sure. What if shit goes down? What if there's a particularly noisy cat burglar that tries to steal the baby? Yeah. An ineffective cat burglar. Or just a standard burglar. Are there still cat burglars? Is that still a kind of burglar? just a standard burglar are there still cat burglars is that still a kind of burglar well the value of cats on the black market has really plummeted yeah it's true there's more

and more being imported every year oh fuck let's bring in our guest sure he's uh he's hawaii's greatest comedian according to the huffington post he's also one of the co-hosts of the popular podcast, The Nerdist. Is it just Nerdist or The Nerdist? The Nerdist? You know, it's funny when you said that. I was trying. I don't know. I don't know.

I've heard it referred to as Nerdist Podcast. Well, it's Nerdist.com. So maybe it's just the... I don't know. I say The Nerdist. But if it's the podcast of Nerdist.com. From G4's nerdist.com so maybe it's just the i don't know i say the nerd but if it's the podcast of nerdist.com from his name is g4's web soup there you go there you go something we all know how to say his name is mr jonah ray hi oh it's great to have you on the program great to

have you back on the program it's been a couple of years it's been a couple years yeah it's i can't even remember exactly when the last time was i think it might might have been in my first Koreatown apartment the last time. It was in Koreatown. Jesse Go. Yeah. Does that make sense to you, Jordan? It does. Does that sound right?

I can picture it now. Your vinyl EP was a hot new release. Shit. So that was 2007. We're fucking OGs of this podcast, Jordan. We were all wondering how Iron Man was going to be. I don't know. You know what?

I think we were recording from a steel mill. I think that's the background noise you guys went with. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Back when we had that gimmick. Jordan. We were recording in a place. And you guys offered me a beer, and I took it and realized I was the only one drinking a beer.

Oh, we were just judging you? It was weird. It was a weird feeling. And I could have sworn... There is so much beer in my house right now. Oh, leftover Max Funcon beer. I have so much beer. And I guess this year they just didn't do that good of a job at the bar

of not opening bottles until they were done with the other bottles. So we just have like seven open bottles of vodka in my house right now. Oh, no. Like if this was a car and we got pulled over, I would be so fucked. You got to put those in the freezer. If it was Louisiana, you'd just have to put a piece of scotch tape over it. That's about it, yeah. Yeah.

Hastily. I learned that at Max Fun Con, that that's the rule in Louisiana. Really? That when you go to those drive-thru liquor stores, they will give you like a daiquiri with a straw in it, and you just put a piece of tape over the straw. So people drink and drive, and they keep a roll of scotch tape in their car to cover their ass.

That's insanity. There used to be a place in the Lower East Side, Kind of Your Pianos, I think it was like El Sombrero, a Mexican restaurant, that would give you margaritas to go. Oh, yeah? Oh, my God. A couple of my friends when I was out there in 2006, I would just go there and just

drink. We'd get them, get one, just walk around the neighborhood drinking, be done, go back, get another one, walk around the neighborhood, and just get blitzed. There's a place in New York called Artichoke Pizza that will give you a big styrofoam cup filled with course lights.

Full of artichokes. I wanted to change the subject. You just walk around the neighborhood until you get to that fucking sweet sweetheart. Yeah, he's just the hot butter burning your hand. Just going down. You fill your pocket with Miracle Whip to have a little dip.

You know, drinking outdoors and walking around is one of life's great pleasures i think that's that's i think to me that is the soul maybe not the soul but the primary reason to visit las vegas that's what i was exactly going to say yeah that's the best part of las vegas is just that that fear is gone of those boundaries yeah those borders that you can't pass you can just have a drink in your hand. Hey, do you want to go over here? Yes. Let's go over there.

Yeah, you don't have to, oh, let me finish it up and get over there. You can just go there with glass on the street. It's a very dangerous place. Oh, yeah, sure. Yes, I mean, I support the rest of the world not being like that. It certainly should not. But I'm glad that there is a place where you can walk around outdoors yeah with a miller chill daytime daytime drunk is in outdoors it's just it's it's it's fucking great it is really great me and my friend uh used to do this thing where we'd

uh fill up um big gulp cups of bloody mary's and then we'd uh drive down to the beach in santa monica pier and then we'd drink them get drunk kind of maybe go to the end of the pier drink some more at that mexican restaurant at the pier or that little biker bar that's kind of at the foot of it and then just uh fall asleep on the beach and that sounds so fucking gross it is gross yeah i've had a lot it was uh it was less gross when it was about margaritas but when it's Bloody Marys just a fucking vat full of booze and tomato juice that is so disgusting

I could outdo that anytime you might as well just be like we go down to the liquor store and buy a bottle of Clamato and take turns taking swigs I was once years ago before I even knew what Clamato was I was at some warehouse daytime party in downtown, and I went to this Mexican bar, and I saw a guy get this thing, and it smelled really good.

And I was like, I'll take whatever that is. And I drank about five of them before a friend told me what Clamato was. Oh, yeah. I was like, yeah, it's like a tomato juice. It's like a weird synthetic tomato juice. He's like, no, it's tomato juice and clam juice. Clam runoff. Yeah, clam runoff.

If I'm not mistaken, Clamato's what you ask for, the one you raise your glass for. It's the pick-me-up that picks you up. They have the gelatas now, too, the mixed beer and Clamato that you can buy in big tall cans. A better slogan for Clamato would be the be the pick me up that picks you up and is partly made out of clam juice right just fucking full disclosure like it should just say on the front of clamato it should say full disclosure this shit's made out of clam juice yeah it's just a clamato we invented this by accident two things spilled and it poured into one of our mouths. Sure.

Right. And then a Bud Light later on. Yeah, exactly. For some reason. Because I've heard of red beer. Have you guys ever heard of red beer? No, what's that? Or just tomato juice and a beer. You know, like I knew guys up in like Tahoe that would just drink those.

Why would you do that? I don't know. That's fucking foul. I don't know. Tomato juice is fucking gross. I think it's just the tomato juice you have a problem with. That's the only thing. It's like, yeah, so we would mix together

vodka and, you know, just fucking ground beans. Okay, I get that. Jesse likes that. And then I was like, oh, then every once in a while we put some tomato juice in it. Fuck that. I had a delicious steak the other night with a side glass of tomato juice. What? Jonah, I don't drink, so it all sounds a little bit gross to me.

It is. But the idea, right? The idea specifically of a savory beverage, like it's as though you were telling me right now that you were going to have a vodka and bouillon. Not a bad idea. Chicken stock and bourbon. There's vodka marinara sauce. You can get that at the Trader Joe's and bourbon There's vodka marinara sauce

You can get that at the Trader Joe's That's a very good marinara sauce You just have a nice margarita mix Tequila And a ramen packet That also sounds good All these things are great Any way to figure out new ways to drink

I'm always on board for Well, Jonah Ray is our guest He's a braver man than I We'll be back with more In just a second On Jordan, Jesse, Go The program is Jordan, Jesse, Go

I'm the host Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris Boy detective The program is Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm the host, Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Boom. And I'm Jonah Ray, guest. Yep. Yep. You can think of a nickname if you want to.

I'm Jonah Ray. Hawaii's favorite son. Hawaii's favorite son. You know, it seems weird to do that since I'm so incredible. I'm incredibly white.'m so incredibly white. I'm incredibly white. Yeah. When I did Live at Gotham, they really were pushing me to say – in my intro, they wanted to be able to say this next comic is from Hawaii. And I said, you can't do that.

Why not? We'd like to make it seem like we have comics from all over the place besides New York and LA. And I was like, no, so you're going to say I'm from Hawaii. I don't have any jokes about being from Hawaii or that I don't look like I'm from Hawaii. And so I'm going to, they're going to say Hawaii. People are going to go, Whoa,

a Hawaiian comic. I'm going to walk on stage. They're expecting poi humor. Yeah, exactly. And like, you know, it's like, not only am I just this tall white guy.

You don't even have ukuleles on your shirt. I don't. I don't wear any, uh, which you guys call Hawaiian shirts. Sure. Uh uh which are in hawaii they're just called shirts no they're called aloha shirts no they're just called shirts they're just called shirts yeah exactly they're called hawaiian and uh you have to request if you get just can i get a pizza you have to request it without pineapple and canadian bacon right yeah you have to it's come standard um but yeah that was, that was a thing.

I still don't really talk about being from Hawaii because it would lead into getting really racist. On your part. On my part, yeah. I would not look like a good guy. You hate your countrymen. Yeah. Yeah, because they hated me.

If I ever, on Jordan Jesse Go, we've discussed a few times the fact that I've never told that whole story about my dad in Hawaii. I don't think I've ever actually broke down and told it. Did I? Gosh, I don't know. I feel like I've heard it so many times. Yeah, I know. I feel the same way.

It's hard to know whether or not it was on the podcast. I've told it so many times. But then when we... Remember, we did that episode. We did an episode some months ago where we talked about our sort of like standard story that we tell somewhere when we need to tell an interesting story. Oh, yeah. This one is mine, and I just alluded to it. Oh, that story about my dad in Hawaii.

And then I got like 10 emails, I've never heard that story before. I think I must have told it on The Sound of Young America in the olden days more than once. I can't imagine not. I could probably tell it at this point. I'm going to tell it.

That would be actually kind of neat if Jordan told it and then you just let him know if he was on the right track. It's so like because this subject has because this subject has actually come up, I feel like I'm... Sure.

And it's Father's Day. It is. It's Father's Day. This actually ties it in even better. Number one, I want to say that my dad is a great guy. Oh, Jesus. I love my dad very much. Here's the thing. I like him. I like him a lot.

My dad has also been uh my dad's been as regular listeners know my dad's been clean and sober for a really long time because listeners know about me going to aa meetings as a little kid all the time um but my dad one time uh when i was like a sophomore in college i want to say when i was heading off to my sophomore year of college um we were driving from san francisco which is where i'm from to santa cruz where jordan and i went to college and um uh we were sly and the family stone came on the radio and my dad said oh uh whatever happened to sly and the family stone whatever happened to sly and i at the time this was before his weird Grammy comeback that you may recall

with like the Mohawk and the Humpback everyone remembers and so I said I think he's sort of like a vegetable I think he's off somewhere vegetating he's sort of a recluse he's sort of semi-functional and my dad said oh how come

and I was like oh you know drugs I think and he said oh because of because he's on drugs or just because of the leftovers from the drugs he did before? He did enough to last him the rest of his life. Yeah, and I said, I think he did a lot of drugs and lost his mental capacity. And my dad said, like a drug-induced psychosis or something. And I said, I guess, yeah, sure. I was just sitting in the passenger seat

on my way to my sophomore year of college. This is a weird buddy movie. And my dad said, hey, did I ever tell you about my drug-induced psychosis? What? And I said, oh no, you never have mentioned your drug-induced psychosis. This is the ultimate, in the last few weeks on the show, we've been talking about, like, shit that my mom and dad have just dropped on me out of nowhere.

Like, I didn't know my dad was married before he was married to my mom until I was, like, 16. What? Just lots of crazy stuff. I mean, my parents had crazy lives. It's not that they're keeping secrets from me. crazy lives. It's not that they're keeping secrets from me. It's just that if they tried to list all of the crazy things that happened to them before they were 35 or however old they were when they got together and made me, it would just

be a list too long to list. So my dad says, did I ever tell you about my drug-induced psychosis? And I said, no. It sounded like he was looking for an excuse. He was kind of baiting through this whole slide in the family stone thing. Any song could have been on the radio hey whatever happened it seems it seems wood mac it seems inevitable in retrospect at the time i think it felt very fresh sure um it felt like a a a new and amazing revelation um my dad said my dad lived in Hawaii for a few years in the mid-70s.

And he lived on the Big Island near Hilo. And it was sort of a nothingsville at the time. I think it's a less nothingsville now, but still not exactly everywhere is filled. Yeah, Big Island is pretty nothing. So he just lived, I think, just in a forest or whatever. I don't know exactly where he lived, but

he said, I would... What he would do is he would dig a hole, he would live in there, and wait for someone to try and bury a pig, and then he would eat that. And that's how he got food yeah um he would just wait for poi to fall into it you gotta make that um he said so he said to me i was it was when i was living in hawaii and i'd been eating magic mushroom omelets for a week wow and then he his his follow-up to that was he's like of course they weren't as strong as they are that that's i mean i don't understand when they when people say

like weed is like it wasn't wasn't as strong i know we they i know they scientifically like breed marijuana plants now to be stronger but when when they say that shrooms still come from the same place cow shit yeah right like is it like the the the cows are with all the antibiotics and all the uh is there making more powerful mushrooms i guess so because so my dad said he was in this sump hole there was this sump hole on the beach volcanic beach you know so there's a big hole where the water goes into and he was standing in this hole um and the hole went up to like his shoulders and it was about he said like a third or half full of water and he was naked and he was having this vision and in this vision

there was this panel of judges 12 huge men, each about 12 feet tall, representing every race. All 12 races? All 12 races. And he had to make a case to these judges as to whether he should live or die um in the sun paul and my dad is uh my dad is a veteran and had been through a lot of really crazy shit in wartime yeah and had gone gone through crazy shit as a kid too and um just he just had like a lot of shit had gone down to the point where at one point, one of these revelations that he dropped on me was, uh, he once spent a weekend painting the inside of his bathroom to look like the inside of a serviceman's coffin. I know. So my dad's like a pretty pleasant guy too.

Like I don't even want, like, he's not just like going around. Jordan's met my dad oh sure he's great yeah i would even say if i wouldn't have known if if i wouldn't have heard all of these stories about him i would say that like this is almost like this is almost like standard corny dad like yeah because is he kind of a square now yeah well he's well i mean it depends on your standard for square i mean he's been clean and sober for a long, well, he's... Well, I mean, it depends on your standard for square. I mean, he's been clean and sober for a long time. He's worked in the peace movement

since, like, since forever, essentially. And so, I mean, he's in his 60s, so he's not exactly wild and crazy, but... Yeah, well, I mean, square, just the kind of,

you know, a guy that you wouldn't assume ever got into any shit. Yeah, I mean, I think if you just met him casually, like, at the bank, you wouldn't be like, that's a guy who got into a lot of shit. Yeah, I mean, I think if you just met him casually at the bank, you wouldn't be like, that's a guy who got into a lot of shit. Nice guy, a lot of goofy jokes,

pats you on the shoulder, hearty pats. Yeah, really likes Jordan. He's a big fan of Jordan's. Anyway, so my dad was in this... That's just because I gave him some mushrooms. My dad was in this sump hole being judged by the 12 huge men of every race and telling them about the shit he'd seen in war and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And how he was just living in Hawaii in the forest eating magic mushrooms.

Magic mushroom omelets. I like the guy that takes – See, yeah, that implies that he has methods of preparation. Like what is he – I mean I guess eating magic mushrooms raw is one thing, but he seems like he's preparing them in a rather intricate way. That seems like a... There's at least a range stove somewhere. Yeah, it seems like a lot more complicated

than even just cooking up heroin. It's sort of more of a process. It's like an enthusiast's way of doing it. It's like a vaporizer. Like a guy who's really into pot, he's going to go buy that sweet vaporizer. It's like a vaporizer. A guy who's really into potty is going to go buy that sweet vaporizer. It's like how

it seems like rich guys back in the Hearst days did a lot of gay stuff, but it's probably just because they were real bored. I think that's the case. You hear stories of David Bowie.

He likes women, but he'll fuck anything. Sure. That's the same impulse that leads someone to buy some sort of bong slash gas mask. Yeah, exactly. Or make shroom omelets. Yeah. So he's arguing his case. And at this point in his life, he genuinely doesn't know whether he should live or die.

point in his life he genuinely doesn't know whether he should live or die and finally he like puts his case to these 12 men and he says he thinks that it was probably hours that this was going on uh but it's kind of hard to know and uh the 12 the 12 men of every race the 12 huge men of every race bring in their verdict and it's that he should live and my dad is like crying because this is such an this is like such an amazing vision that he's had which is when is like crying because this is such an this is like such an amazing vision that he's had which is when the hawaiian dudes see him and so there's these hawaiian dudes these native these native hawaiian dudes and they're like you know they say something that you would expect him to say like hey fucking howley why are you naked in a sump hole on our fucking beach talking into the air? And so they grab him and pull him out and start kicking the shit out of him.

Now, my dad was not that long out of the Navy, so he was a very strong man at the time. And so he managed to beat them off. He was also in sort of that same state that leads moms on PCP to lift cars off of their children. He just got an extension on his life. He was probably feeling like a million bucks. And you don't want to embarrass yourself in front of the 12 races by getting beat up in front of them. Yeah. The Hawaiian 12-foot guy is just like, I am sorry about them.

Oh, wow. So he beat these dudes off and ran off into the ocean. I'm just trying to say beat them up. Beat them up. Fended them off, beat them up. So he managed to get these guys off of him, ran off into the ocean, and the guys were wearing clothes and didn't want to get their clothes wet. So they started throwing rocks at him instead of chasing him into the surf. Because he realized once he's in the ocean,

there's only so far he can go because he's not going to be able to swim to Fiji or whatever. Yeah, yeah. So they're throwing rocks at him. And my dad, being as high as he is, has a good plan for this situation, which is he's going to catch the rocks. Oh.

So he's trying to catch the rocks and he's getting hit by some of them and catching some of them missing some of them um and finally the hail of rocks stops and the hawaiian goes the hawaiian guys yell out to him hey howley we decided not to beat you up so you can come back now and so my dad goes oh fucking great i thought these guys were gonna beat me up he comes back they start kicking the shit out of him again hawaiian switcheroo yeah that's true this same this you eat macaroni salad this same. This same thing then happens again. He goes out into the ocean. They start throwing rocks at him.

He thinks he can catch the rocks. They tell him they've decided not to beat him up anymore. He comes back again. Then they start kicking the shit out of him again. Until this Hawaiian lady comes out with a shotgun and starts firing at them. And probably firing like rock salt or something, you know, something like that. Like, I can't imagine she was shooting shotgun shells at them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But like clears them off and they scatter in one direction. He runs in the other direction. And he comes up with a second good plan, which is he doesn't have any clothes. He's not really sure where he is. And he knows he's super high. But on the other hand, he also knows he's supposed to live. So he's pretty stoked about that. So his plan is he's going to walk down the road naked until he gets arrested.

Because at least a police officer will like tell him who he is yeah and so he does this he walks down the road for two days oh until he gets arrested and when he gets arrested he gets put into the psych ward of jail jail psychology jail crazy person jail um and he is in crazy person jail for uh i think two months what um before he is like coherent enough to be released from crazy person jail and like he's you know he wasn't the only illegal thing he was doing was walking around naked. So he gets a legal slap on the wrist. And so anyway, then he says, so I guess that's that's a story of when I had drug induced psychosis. And he goes, oh, yeah, that was the diagnosis they gave me. Drug induced psychosis.

Jesus Christ. That's insane. Right. And that's that's just something he just dropped. Yeah. He just we were just having a pleasant conversation going off to school, going off to college for my second year of college.

I probably met Jordan later that same day. This was the same day that I met my friend Jordan Morris. My dad gave me a talk once we were driving down. I was moving down to Los Angeles and he was driving. You were driving from Hawaii. He was actually, at the time

he was living in Tahoe and so we were driving down and my parents are still together. This is 10 years ago. They just travel from resort area to resort area. Yeah, yeah, exactly. They've also lived in Key Largo. It makes them sound wealthy

but if people have ever been to most parts of Oahu, they would know that it's not a glamorous or nice place. They've lived on a few resorts on the Russian Black Sea. Yeah. But we were driving down, and this is now 10 years ago, and I was thinking about, I didn't really ever had a girlfriend at that point. I had crushes on girls, and I had my heart broken. about you know i didn't really ever had a girlfriend at that point i had you had crushes on girls and i've been had my heart broken for no you know were you moving with your parents or was this when you moved to la to become a comedian this is when i moved down to la to become a

comedian how old were you at the time um i was um i just turned 19 and uh i i graduated from high school i turned 18 but then i spent a year in hawaii just uh you know playing in punk bands and hanging out. Eating plate lunch. Eating plate lunch. I got some yesterday. I got some yesterday in Little Tokyo. It still holds up.

Oh, really? Yeah. No, that's a tasty kind of lunch. Yeah, it is. Is that of a truck or is there a place that serves it? No, it's Aloha Cafe in Little Tokyo. Not as good as the L&L over actually on York. That's a good L&L for any people listening in la that likes plate lunch but um we're driving down and um you know i'm thinking a lot about just pretty much everything

in my life because like this was like the big move i didn't go to college i you know i told my parents i was probably going to go to smc santa monica college when i got down there but that was really just uh to placate them and uh and I was thinking about relationships and stuff like that. And I asked my dad, hey, dad, do you get along with mom? And he started to crack up. And he's like, you know, I'll tell you. And this is like we're driving through the night. And there's a fucking blood red moon.

And it's just foreboding. And we're on the fly. There's a werewolf holding onto the back of your car. Yeah, exactly. And my my dad says you want to see something really scary there's a spider on your dad's face um but then i he laughs and he's all you know i'll tell you this uh it's not that i don't love your mom i do i really do she's a great mother to you and your brother uh just don't like her that much and with that and with that information we came upon the crest into los angeles and then i have been here ever since

but it was just the weirdest way i always remember just that fucking moon the fucking five freeway and you know just today you're married to show business yeah yeah yeah exactly um yeah do you like Do you see that now? Do you see the way in which like, oh, well, they're good domestic partners, but they don't enjoy it. Knowing that, do you pick up on it? Yeah, but I also see a lot of my – the older I get, I see a lot more of myself in my dad and I understand him a lot more than I ever did before. My dad was like a pothead growing up and did drugs and stuff like that, but it never really affected him.

It's not like he would disappear. Now you understand what that hair is under his arm. Yeah, exactly. I don't know why our penises look that way. But knowing how I am now and how I make generalizations or I make statements upon how I'm now and how I, I make, you know, I make generalizations or I make

statements upon how I'm feeling at the moment, which is a, I still feel is kind of a childish thing to do. Especially when you're telling somebody else that, because they're just going to take that as that's how you are. That's how people listen to other people. Right. You know, and like, so I, that threw me off for a few years and then I started to realize it's like, you know, when I started having relationships, I'd be like, oh, I don't really like my girlfriend, but I'm in love with her. And there's different levels and different times and different ebbs and flow to any relationship. And I just feel that I asked them during that moment of that time why it was okay for just my dad to drive me down to Los Angeles. And my mom didn't feel like coming you know I didn't think about it at the time are you sure that he didn't have this wasn't

his plan all along was Sly and the Family Stone playing on the radio I guess is what I'm asking yeah um Neil Young was playing on the radio and I said oh I wonder what happened he's all I don't like your mother that's a horrible segue I mean I feel I feel kind of like I still know Jack about my dad. Maybe the solution is a road trip with Sly and the Family Stone. But it has to be. Here's the thing. Ours are similar where we were off to a new place or kind of being left off on our own. And I think that's an important time for a dad to kind of like do something.

He's like, well, this is it. Get on that iceberg and float away. I don't really see myself moving anytime soon, but maybe when that Chick-fil-A on Hollywood Boulevard finally opens, I can have my dad drive me to that. And then we can talk about. It's got to be a quick conversation there. Sure, talk about, were you ever in love before, Mom?

Here we are. I'll take two chicken sandwiches i went on a road trip with my dad when i was 11 12 years old somewhere right in there 11 or 12 years old and it could not have been more disastrous but let me correct that i in my imagination it could not have been more disastrous until i learned about the road trip that my two younger brothers went on with my dad when they were like 14 and 6 respectively we were going to go

visit baseball stadiums around America we drove from San Francisco we drove east to St. Louis and then up to Chicago and Detroit you're kidding me there's no fucking baseball stadium between San Francisco and St. Louis no there is I to Chicago and Detroit. You're kidding me. There's no fucking baseball stadium between San Francisco and St. Louis? No, there is.

No, there is. At least the Rockies weren't around yet. Yeah, this was... I think the Rockies were brand new. We couldn't get tickets. They weren't at home at the right time. There was some reason we didn't go see the Rockies. We did see a minor league game in Colorado Springs, which was fun.

And yeah, we went to Kansas City and St. Louis and Detroit and both stadiums in Chicago. Nice. And all of that was great. But going on a road trip with your dad at 11, especially, you know, my dad is a little bit of a madman. I just can't. I couldn't wish something worse on anyone. And I don't know. I mean, I think it was probably partly my fault.

I mean, in some way. But on the other hand, I was 11. And I was a pretty good 11-year-old. So I don't think it was actually my fault. No, actually, I take it back. It wasn't my fault at all. What happened? Definitely my dad's.

The baseball stadiums weren't there. Crazy fights. Just crazy. They were playing football at the baseball stadium. Just insane knock down drag out fights and i've learned since that like i'm politics did you guys bring up politics yeah don't ever do that you're stuck in the car michael dukakis related arguments at that point what year was that it was he was he was voting for Jerry Brown And I was voting for Paul Songis

But like I learned later That my dad has post-traumatic stress disorder And we actually talked about this on We taped recently an episode Of our friend Paul Gilmartin's podcast The Mental Illness Happy Hour Which was a lot of fun And people will get to listen to he's he's

got a lot in the can so maybe in the next few weeks to a month but um uh one of the things about my dad's ptsd is that he will not back down in a fight about anything ever and my dad might swim into the water but he will not back down yeah no he will try and catch the rocks and like my dad is a and he will also he will go zero to ten instantly so and he's not he's not physically violent or anything like that um but he has no middle ground. Part of his PTSD is that you're always hyper alert. And so his hyper alertness, when shit goes wrong or when somebody might be getting in a fight with him, like if there's something that would bristle someone. He steps up. He's 10 out of 10.

He's like fucking Clarence Darrow in the courtroom. Like the level of intensity and commitment to his cause even if you're not actually having a disagreement and that's like the number one thing i remember and i've learned since like as a grown-up i realized oh here's what i can do if my dad is get trying to get me involved in a crazy fight i just have to learn the difference between a disagreement between regular normal people and a craziness fight. Yeah. If it's a craziness fight, I can just leave or pretend to be asleep. Right.

Like I can just go and come back and it's fine. My dad is a very good person and a very reasonable person in every way except when except this symptoms of this post-traumatic stress disorder. except when except this symptoms of this post-traumatic stress disorder and so i feel like that 11 year old trip every stop there was some insane thing about like me putting the wrong thing on top of something else when i packed the car or something like that just absolute madness just pure madness that's a bummer i could really just turn a trip. It doesn't get better. But my brothers didn't even... They were going to go on this fishing trip. Because my brother John, who's now 21 or 22, he loves fishing.

Or at least he did when he was a kid. Like genuinely... Excuse me. Genuinely loves it. Like, I don't know where he got this interest because we lived in urban San Francisco. So your dad took him on a cross-country road trip to all the fishing stadiums. They were going to go, it was a northward. To all the bodies of water.

It was a northward trip. So we were headed to, the fishing is much better in your Oregon's, you're in the pacific northwest than it is in the san francisco bay area salmon and other fish i think they made it out and they were going to camp and my brother also loves camping like he loves the outdoors he loves he's like he's in many ways the exact opposite of me in other ways exactly the same as me and so he loves he did like swim on solo backpacking trips when he was like 15 and stuff. And so this is his like dream trip. And my brother Brendan, he was too little to give a shit one way or the other. He was like seven. Typical Brendan.

But they're going to camp, right? They're going to camp. Unflappable, that guy. I think, if I'm remembering this correctly they drove for a day camped in my dad was my dad was camping my dad was sleeping

in the back of a truck with a camper shell and then I think my brother and my brothers were sleeping in a tent so they camped one night

my dad was like I'm not doing that anymore so the next night they were at a Motel 6 which is my dad's great passion in life, as Motel 6 is. And they were fishing in the bathtub. Yeah, yeah. And so they spent the second night at this Motel 6. And then my dad was like, fuck this.

We're turning around. Whoa. And they just drove back. That's a worse trip to To just cancel the trip. They just canceled it. He just couldn't do it. He just remembered, oh, yeah, I fucking hate camping. Like, he got caught up in this world where he was a guy that likes camping and fishing.

Yeah. And, like, my dad isn't a guy that likes camping and fishing. He's just not that person. Yeah, yeah. I feel the same way every time I try and watch Battlestar Galactica. Everyone loves it. Yeah, this is gonna be great.

Wait a minute. Yeah. Oh, man. Can you imagine if your dad was Edward James Olmos? What if you were in a fight with your dad,

but your dad was Edward James Olmos? How fucking crazy would that be? He would just out-quiet you. No, you know this That's actually been an ongoing thing with me

Trying to watch Battlestar Galactica And failing Why do you keep on trying then? It seems like something I'd like Everyone I like likes it And you know I kind of want a TV show It's good there's a bunch of episodes

It's on Netflix A lot of other good shows you can watch I know but guys And I kind of want a TV show. It's good. There's a bunch of episodes. It's on Netflix. I can just watch an episode. There's a lot of other good shows that you can watch. I know. But guys, I'm pleased to announce. And this is how it's always been. I put on that first mini series. Yeah.

And I either fall asleep in the middle or start doing something else. Yeah, yeah. I think it took this time. Really? Really. I think it took this time. I finished it. I sat through the whole thing.

I liked it. I'm excited about the next episode. I'll tell you, Jordan, get ready for some disappointment. That's what everyone says. You're going to get one season in. You're going to be like, this is fucking tremendous. This is amazing. And then you're going to get to that second season.

You're going to be like, oh, yeah. So something's going on. But I trust these people. These are good people. And then you're going to get late in the second season. You're going to get into the third season. You're going to be like, huh, it seems like shit's just happening now for no reason. And then you're just going to be like, oh, my God, fuck this.

Now, that's if you're me. Okay. I'm going to keep waiting in. Yeah. See what happens. I should continue on. I mean, you know, I'm glad I finally gave Doctor Who a chance, and now I'm going to keep waiting in see what happens I should continue on I'm glad I finally gave Doctor Who a chance and now I'm addicted

the new Doctor Who's are good are you addicted to it? it's so slight though I'm not against Doctor Who at all and I found the people I had as you guys did on the Nerdist podcast I interviewed

Doctor Who himself. Matt Smith. The doctor. You're not supposed to call him Doctor Who, I guess. No. And the guy who writes them all. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The main writer guy.

And they were fucking... Steve Moffat. Steve Moffat. These guys were... And the lady who was the star of it at the time. Yeah. That red-haired woman. A very beautiful woman.

And they just could not have been more charming and interesting of people. Just wonderful people. And I watched the show and I was like, this is kind of good, but... Where did you start? I started with... With their season?

With their season. Yeah. Here's... And this is what I tell people if they're thinking about watching it and not knowing where to start. You don't really need any of the previous, you know, decades worth of episodes. You know, you could, I tried to watch those just to see it.

And if you want to see a fucking shitty sci-fi play happen in one scene for 15 minutes, go for it. It's not good television. But I was recommended to watch the episode blink. Even with the magical combination of science fiction and scarves. Uh, and it just, I never took to it. And it was always weird. You know, I never, I always knew about Dr.

Who, but I never get really give a shit about it. But you watch an episode called blink blink and it's in the third season. And it's just, uh, it scared me as much watching it as when I first watched Stephen King's It on TV. Third season of the new show or the old show? Of the new ones. Gotcha. It's a David Tennant era Who episode. And it's the fear I had watching Stephen King's It.

It's one of the things that scared me the most as a kid. I don't want to be scared. Yeah. I don't like it. It's good. It's thrilling. It's just one of the things that scared me the most as a kid. I don't want to be scared. Yeah. Man, it's good. It's good. I don't like to be scared. It's thrilling. I don't know.

You don't like being scared? I'm just going to watch Larry Sanders over again. Yeah. I do that as well. I saw that. It's on Netflix. It is. Oh.

It is. I'm going to take a moment to editorialize to our audience. I don't mean to be one of these assholes that's telling you to watch The Wire. I've already told you to watch The Wire. You know, if you haven't watched The Wire at this point, it's your own personal failing. You know, it's fine. You know that you're failing.

You know that you're missing out on the best show ever. Look, that's fine. However, if you listen to Jordan Jesse Go, I think I have some knowledge of what kind of person you are. I have a basic understanding from three MaxFunCons from countless meetups all over this great world

I have some understanding of who our audience is just watch Larry Sanders it is really one of the best shows ever but here's a thing about that show and if you look at a lot of classic comedy from any time in the past is that um if you don't get with it sooner you'll finally watch it and feel that

it's kind of had it's kind of hacky and you won't realize right away that the only reason it seems like that is because it you it's you've seen it done and ripped off so many times after that if you go watch those old bob hope and ben crosby movies all those road movies they were like really doing weird things really funny neat scenes interesting jokes breaking the fourth wall like having a guy like pop up on screen and like look at like a big big fight scene in a road to utopia i go wow that's a lot of extras probably cost a lot of money anyway just thought i'd say hello and then the scene starts back Up real you know and then but like you You you see that and it's you've seen it before

But uh it's Because that inspired and that's the thing about Larry Sanders I know is people will watch it and be Like well yeah it's kind of like this though it's like the Reason that was that is because This was I want to be clear I did not watch Larry Sanders as number One I could give a shit about what informed what in terms of my enjoyment of something.

And number two, I did not watch Larry Sanders when it was on television. I did not have HBO. I did not even have cable. I did not even have a color television until I was like 14. All right, we get it. You read books. No. No I I watched the first season I remember when a big time Gene O'Neill

Bought the DVD when it came out Which was when we were like seniors in college Or something like that And I was like holy shit This show is fucking amazing Why did no one tell me about this And then I didn't watch the rest until they were Finally stealable on the internet.

Oh, wow. Which was not until five or six years ago. So when you see something that blows you away, like it's the best thing you've ever seen, you don't do anything about it. Well, you couldn't steal. You couldn't get it anywhere. You could buy it. It was not in print.

No, you couldn't. You couldn't. No, you couldn't. The first season came out on DVD, and then it was a failure. And then nothing else came out on DVD until a best of came out like maybe three or four years ago. Oh, yeah, yeah. Not the very best. Yeah.

And then the full series didn't come out on DVD until like a year ago. That's right. That's an expensive set, too. And what I actually, I may have even bought bootlegs of it on ebay really i may have bought bootleg vhs tapes of it on ebay uh and the larry sanders show it's just as good as it gets you just watch it from the beginning i think it's the you know i mean i think uh i'm only kind of half count the simpsons in this category and i don't mean to discount the Simpsons at all because I think the Simpsons is also as good as it gets

but I think it's probably the most brilliant sitcom of all time and I'm not going to count and I'm also not going to count I also want to be clear I'm not counting like accomplishment in that like I like

obviously I Love Lucy invented sitcoms oh yeah yeah yeah and mash invented sitcoms with you know deeper undercurrents and you know all in the family invented sitcoms as you know social satire coach had dauber, like, it is so, like, the comic acting on Larry Sanders is as good as you will see anywhere, in any film, in anything. Yeah. The comic acting of the three leads in that show is so exceptional. And it's also written by basically every brilliant person who's ever written a joke before. Yeah, yeah, no, it's incredible. You know, and it's one of those things, too.

It's like when you do have a great comedy, they all, you know, seemingly without exception, Simpsons is a great example, just get run into the ground. And it's really hard to like, you know. Sad, it's sad really. It's like, can we just call The Simpsons seasons three through eight? It's like, well, no, you can't really. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, you know, it's just, it's so, it bums you out. It's like, you know, I can't say I like The Simpsons really anymore because there are probably more episodes that have been made that I haven't seen. Right. Yeah. That I have now. And sure.

It never used to be that way. But yeah. And I think, I think that's, that's also something cool about Larry Sanders is that it, that it, that it started great and ended great. Yeah, I mean, in the extras of one of the DVDs,

I saw that he's talking to Seinfeld and they were talking about ending early, ending out on top, ending before you feel that it got a little too far away

from the original mission plan, which I think is great. I think more shows should do that. Yeah, you know, although you have to hand it to Seinfeld,

which is a television show that turned into a completely different television show for two or three years there. But that television show was also a pretty good show. Yeah, man. I rented that. I Netflixed that last season of Seinfeld semi-recently with the intent of like, is this as bad as they say it was? No, it's hilarious.

Yeah, it's really funny. It's crazy. It's not tiny parlor pieces. There's no whole episode set in Chinese restaurants. There's madness, but it's really funny. But anyway, just do yourself the favor of enjoying Larry Sanders. Like, you just have such a treat ahead of you if you haven't seen it. And it's not a museum piece at all. It feels very fresh. In terms of hairdos.

Well, certainly in terms of women's hairdos. And Larry's suits are just outrageous. And the music and the sets. If you ever wonder what you're... If you're wearing a J.Crew skinny lapel, skinny tie type suit right now and you're thinking you look pretty cool, just look at Larry Sanders and his

shawl lapel suits. Just his whole... It's like every outfit that looks like he also could have got... He maybe shared a wardrobe with Arsenio. Well, even look at Seinfeld. The way they were dressed. They weren't dressed, besides Michael Richards, none of them really dressed like crazy characters or really of the time. You watched them at the time, they were dressed just like people would dress.

But now you look back, and they're not very stylish at all. But you look at them now, and it's like, oh my god, those are ridiculous clothes. Yeah, the jeans in particular. Jeans and giant white sneakers yeah yeah exactly and that's gonna happen to like a lot of us you know oh sure i have to say though i will say this when we're on the subject and we've touched on a subject close to my heart which is outfits but uh if you watch seinfeld in 2011. And you take note of the clothing that they're wearing. I mean, obviously, obviously, Kramer is wearing his, like, 40s and 50s and later 70s and later seasons, 70s sort of crazy vintage clothes. And they call him a hipster on a number of occasions on that show.

And he was a hipster, you know? Yeah. Like, you know, like, know like just like in the but more in the dance more in the krebs sense like the 1956 type yeah but you know every early 90s wearing a fez type every era has had their hipster so he he's wearing these he's wearing those crazy clothes and and jerry seinfeld is wearing clothes that i that one would probably describe as stylus. Yeah. Like he is wearing the clothes of a cypher.

You know, because that was part of what his character was, was he's just a guy. Yeah. You know what I mean? And that's who he is. He's a guy that wears fucking white sneakers and 501s, like washed 501s. And a fucking big, thick buttoned up shirt tucked in. That's why they can make an episode of it being so crazy that he has a weird shirt or a big jacket.

Yeah, right. Sure. But George Costanza's character wears exactly the kind of and I mean, he's a sort of, you know, he's a dumpist by nature, but he wears exactly the kind of like traditional American quote unquote

heritage clothes that were, to some extent were, to some extent are, the absolute peak of fashion circa 2000. I'd say the peak of fashion circa 2010. Like this absolute perfect, like the plaids and the tweeds and the anoraks and like all of those clothes were with a possible exception of the heavily washed jeans um they'd be a little tighter you know yeah it's a very it's a very odd thing to see it and think like you know what like if if george if you took the pieces that george is wearing i mean obviously george is, they're putting him together in a way to undermine what a dope he is. But if you took those pieces, you know,

you could put those together in a collection in 2010 and sell it to Barney's. You know, it's funny, I'm not one to get into the habit of quoting Dennis Leary jokes, but I think on No Cure for Cancer, he brings up a good point about,

or, you know, About assholes that complain about smokers um good original material no but he's talking about um the fact that like you know he was looking his like uh niece or nephew was looking at pictures of him in the uh you know 60s or 70s and they're like oh you were a hippie and like he's like why you call me him he's like you're wearing bell bottoms and you have you know polyester shirts and you say no that's just all you could buy in stores right it's like it's like, why do you call me him? He's like, you're wearing bell bottoms and you have polyester shirts. And you say, no, that's just all you could buy in stores. It's like you couldn't find normal pants. They were just like, if you wanted to dress kind of like you were of your age, the only pants you had to choose from were bell bottoms. And the only shirts you could really wear were polyester shirts.

And I think that's like if you just want to dress not stylish but if you just want to dress up you know your age or just how you feel you know or you fit in like you're going to dress like people are just going to call you a hipster or you can just take off your clothes get in that fucking sun pole sure get up in that volcano hole and take care of business make your case gentlemen make your case ask them okay we'll be back in just a second with more on jordan jessico jordan jessico i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective and jonah ray today's guest the guest the jonah i still can't think of a nickname no no it's going well keep going going. Keep going down that road.

Jonah Guesty Ray. Just freestyle. Just bebop. Podcasting is like the new bebop. It is, sure. Podcast. I like it. We're having a conversation, a musical conversation.

Sponsors for this week's program? Sure. Shall we, Jordan? Why wouldn't we? We do this Jumbotron-style thing. You can pay a low flat rate, and we'll have your message on Jordan, Jesse, go. Oh, that's great. Let's talk about sponsors this week. Number one, Fuzzy Balls Apparel.

Our good friends at Fuzzy Balls Apparel who make cute and creepy T-shirts and things. Online at FuzzyBballsapparel.com. I had the chance to meet Roy, the artist behind Fuzzy Balls Apparel at Max Funcom. I don't know if you had a chance to talk to him. So did I. It was a pleasure to meet him, speak with him. They make charming products there online at the internet.

Fuzzy Balls Apparel. Nice T-shirts, nice little collectibles. Very adorable. Yeah. Very collectible. All online at fuzzyballs Apparel. Nice t-shirts, nice little collectibles. Very adorable. Very collectible. All online at fuzzyballsapparel.com. Put JJ Go in the notes when you place your order and you will get a free gift there. Stet Publishing. This is a freelance editing firm based in Portland, Oregon,

with a broad base of knowledge about publishing and the publishing industry, Jordan. So they do all kinds of editing for writers, everything from line-by-line copy editing on the small-scale stuff to big-picture development-type editing. So if there are writers out there and you need writing, they are looking for it.

And they also particularly love to work on novel length young adult fiction and geeky stuff. This sounds like an important service. I think this sounds like a tremendous service. They say they have, and they also work on, here's among the things they're willing to work on, popular science writing, screenplays, homebrew board game rules. Wow.

Whatever. And Barack Obama fan fiction. Anyway. If you've got a story where Barack Obama has gills, these are your guys. You don't know if he does, man. You don't know if he does, man. You don't know if he does. Yeah. They'll give you a special...

I've never seen his neck. They'll give you a special rate if you mention that you heard about them on Jordan Jesse Go. And in fact, they will also give you an additional special rate if you come to them with something that is really, really neat and crazy

that they've never worked on before. I guess like the aforementioned homebrew board game rules. But that's probably just because they have a lot of competition with other people that want to edit homebrew board game rules. You can find them online. StetPublishingServices.com

S-T-E-T PublishingServices.com Or you can just email them contact at StetPublishingservices.com. And finally, Jordan, finally, scroll. A journal of video game appreciation. This one is a listener named Alex bought this message on behalf of his friend Ray's project. So this has been featured on the Retro Knots podcast, which we were on last year at E3.

That was last year, right? That was last year. It was a lot of fun. It was a ton of fun. I talked a lot about Tecmo Bowl football, as I recall. Yeah. And I just talked about how I had no idea what they were talking about

whenever they talked about anything besides Tecmo football. Anyway, it's an independent magazine that is both nostalgic and contemporary. Issue one is about the history of

the Super Nintendo. Did you have a Super Nintendo, Jordan? I did have a Super Nintendo. I had a Sega Genesis. Did you have a Sega Genesis? I did. I had both. I got the Super Nintendo real late in its run. You had two, huh?

I had two. I knew this guy who had a Sega Master System. Yeah, I knew that kid. He had everything. He had every one. He had that one with Box Adventure. Yeah, TurboGrafx. That was TurboGrafx-16, yeah.

The only thing this guy didn't have was... Did he have Panasonic 3DO? He may have had 3DO. I was about to say he didn't have a cdi oh what's cdi c philips cd interactive i think you buy that at blockbuster video if i'm not mistaken yeah exclusively there were uh there are two zelda games for the cdi that have since been uh exiled from the canon of Zelda. Really? Yes, they are. But anyways, that's its noteworthy thing,

is a lot of those full-motion video games, and then two Zelda games. They had that Sherlock Holmes Consulting Detective. It was one of their key titles, as I recall. Anyway, it cost $10 for the first issue, if you want issue, excuse me, if you want the print magazine or five bucks if you want it digitally. The second episode is about to drop. It's about Dragon Quest. And issue one is 50% off if you buy it by the end of the month.

So it's all online at scroll.vg. Scroll.vg. It's a Journal of Video Game Appreciation. VG.vg. Scroll.vg. It's a journal of video game appreciation. VG. Video game. Or venereal.tv. Or venereal gazebo. Venereal gazebo.

My gazebo. All these links and all the links for all the sponsors of the podcast are always available in the forum. In the show's section of the forum, there's a special, what's that called? Pinned post. Yeah. A special pinned thread, sticky thread with links if you ever forget the links

and you want to look something up. We always appreciate you supporting our sponsors. And if you want to sponsor an episode of Jordan Jesse Go, just email Teresa at MaximumFun.org and she will hook your ass up. Jordan, surprisingly affordable. Yeah, that's what I your ass up. Jordan, surprisingly affordable.

Yeah, that's what I've heard. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Jordan, Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Jonah Ray, today Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. And Jonah Ray, today's guest. When something momentous happens to you, please give us a call. 206-9844-FUN so that we can share it with the world in a segment called Momentous Occasions.

Gentlemen, shall we go to the tape? Yep. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and possible guests. This is Elizabeth in Missoula, Montana, and I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I'm having kind of a crappy day, and I was driving home from the store just now, feeling sorry for myself, and then I saw a gigantic crow swoop down and pick up and carry away an entire hot dog beautiful sight and i feel much better about the world okay have a good one that's even better if as it was happening in my mind it's like it's not just the dog no it's a whole thing yeah like chicago style or something just the entire tray with the soda along with it. That would be a good prize-winning

middle school science fair project. Figure out what regional style of hot dog a crow prefers. I was going to say, to stay airborne, obviously, weight is very important to the birds. How big of

a hot dog, how many condiments can be on it where the bird can still get licked? I think a crow can fuck up any size hot dog yeah yeah i think they can fuck up a sausage baguette they can only fly a mile i remember dog jonah bagel dog okay well let's see that's a thicker bread and i didn't think we were talking about the bread as much as the actual sausage and casing but i'm gonna going to go say yes. Okay. A croak of fuck up a pickle. The secret to winning a science fair is to come up with some bullshit. Yeah.

I learned that when I was... I remember I was one of those kind of kids that couldn't do anything open-ended. It just made me feel completely insane. I'd be like, just give me some guidelines. Give me a list of five things and I pick one. don't just tell me i can do whatever i want yeah so one year i tried to make fuel out of garbage tried to make like i tried to like refine like i built a still and shit it was really hard but it didn't really work at the end of it and And I was really, but I was like, but I fucking tried to do some really cool ass shit. And,

uh, my friend Java, uh, she and a couple of people, they made postcards that said, pick me up. They had like a five question demographic survey and then they spread them all over town.

And then they just made a list of like, what were the characteristics of, uh, the people who filled out the survey and put a stamp on them. I remember just being so pissed off when I was 13. Like, really? I could have just made some fucking postcards. I'm sitting here trying to turn garbage into fuel, and I could have just written pick me

up on some fucking postcards. Yeah, that's a smart move on their part. I did. Oh, it was so smart. And I want to be clear. Looking back on it now, I realize it was all their cleverness and my... You overthought it. I thought I had to do science.

You were trying to impress people as opposed to them just trying to do something easy to get a good grade. They were trying... Well, to be fair, they were trying to impress people too. I think impress people is a... I was trying to do... I thought that science fair projects had to have a science component. You're like Frank Grimes from The Simpsons episode. Okay, let's go back to the telephone calls here.

Hello, gentlemen. How are you? I just wanted to call you about a somewhat momentous occasion that just happened. I work in retail. I sell all kinds of things to the public. Let's start by saying that that was a really shady introduction. He doesn't give his name, and then he said he works in retail. He sells all kinds of things to the public.

He also has a cadence much like yours, Jordan. If you listen to that back, it felt like the same kind of cadence that Jordan had. Oh, you know, this is just me trying to get in a plug for my new business, which is selling car speakers out of a white van. Yeah, yeah, and other things. So if you would play the rest of the tape, I will tell people which intersection they can meet me at. Jordan's essentially Morgan Freeman in what that fucking movie called where they break out of jail? God damn it.

Shawshank Redemption? Shawshank Redemption. Wow, you are a dad. God damn it. Yeah, that's the first dad quality. Let's get out of prison, me and me. Let's, the black guy helped me get out of prison. Yeah, yeah, Shawshank Redemption.

I don't know if I want to get specifically into what it is I do, but I just had a customer walk in who a relatively snappy-dressed fellow had... He's asking for a Rita Hayworth poster and a spoon. Had some pens in his pocket. I'm assuming he's an engineer, although he was wearing a Blue Devils baseball cap. Wait. And along with his...

He had pens in his pocket, so I assume he's an engineer. Or any other job. Yeah. But seriously, though, who wears pens in his pocket? In his shirt pocket? Architects. He's talking about his... Comics.

Yeah. Waiters. Nerdy types. Guys that work at record stores, pricing, accountants. There's a number, not a large number maybe. Jordan, how do you think accountants keep accounts in 2011? Pens and paper. They've got a green book that they open up.

They've got a ledger. And then they put on their green visor. Yeah, exactly. And then they put on their green visor. Yeah, exactly. Wearing a Blue Devils baseball cap. And along with his pens and the recoutrements in his front breast pocket, he had a very small cucumber poking out of the pocket. I don't know why.

I don't know what the significance of the cucumber was, but we carried on a relatively civilized conversation for half an hour. He bought some stuff from me and left. And I still don't know what the cucumber was all about. But anyway, I just thought I would share that with you. God, way to wrap it up, guy. You close on cucumber. Number one, this is a great momentous occasion where a guy walks into your fucking store and he's got pens in his pocket and a cucumber. That's a great momentous occasion.

We've never heard that before. Oh, I bet the guy just works at a porno store. That's what I was thinking. That's probably it. And that's why he's like, I don't want to get too into it. I'm like, well, if you just sold products, can't you just say refrigerator store? I don't know. If it was a porno store, he'd be there to buy lube for his cucumber, wouldn't he?

Exactly. Exactly. But will that take a half an hour going over all the the different lubes, trying to figure out which one works? They talk for half an hour? Yeah. And he doesn't want to get into it? I don't talk to close friends for half an hour. This whole phone call smells to high heaven.

Yeah. Outside of the context of this program, I don't think I've ever talked to anyone for half an hour. That's good. This is H. Hector from Yakima, Washington. I just wanted to broadcast a momentous occasion for JJ Go.

You made that uh sound. I was on a hike and I ended up seeing two rattlesnakes off on the side of the trail and they were going through a sex act. I had to pull out the

phone cam and videotape them. At that point I... Then he got bit. I'm trying to find some antidote. Enthralled with them doing what they were doing. When they were done, I decided that was the end of the hike.

I headed back down the trail, and at that point, I was charged by a llama charging down the hill at me. I had pants around my damn ankles. I quit hiking at that point and rushed over the river back towards my car

and ended my hike. Thank you. When did you find the briefcase full of money? Yeah. And shoot the dog in the head. That's a kind of beautiful story. I really appreciate people calling it. I definitely like the endangering your own life to make a funny internet video.

Yeah, exactly. Because hits on YouTube are worth more than your life. That's really lovely. Thank you, sir, for calling that in. And thank you, rattlesnakes, for fucking. And thank you, llama, for attacking that man. What state is this in that has all this stuff? Yakima, Washington.

Otherwise known, this is true, as the Palm Springs of the Pacific Northwest. Why is it known as that? I don't know. It was on a sign. A lot of gays in modern architecture? I'm pretty sure it was Yakima when I saw that sign. I was on tour, and I was like, Yakima, the Palm Springs of Washington. That's funny.

Yeah, that's funny that they did, like, that's what they picked. Like, I could see calling some place the Paris of somewhere, or the New York of somewhere. Even the Las Vegas of somewhere. Sure, absolutely, but yeah. Yeah. And then underneath there's an explanation of what

Palm Springs is because maybe not everyone knows what that is. The Baker's Field of the Pacific Northwest. Maybe you've seen photographs of Frank Sinatra's vacation homes. Well, in the 1950s and 60s as modern architecture blossomed, it coincided with a new generation of Hollywood

stars who needed a new, hipper getaway. Homosexuals were just becoming a public thing at the time, and they started moving into this desert wasteland. This is the biggest sign of all time. Yeah, maybe it was just the grunge scenes, Palm Springs.

Oh, right. And nearby, there was a shitty coachella type festival you know and everyone would rent in yakima to go to you know whatever fucking town is near there you know i guess i didn't think llamas were just out in the wild i guess i thought maybe llamas were like brought over from somewhere like south america i didn't know that llamas were indigenous. This was not a wild llama. No, I don't think there are. This wasn't a misty of Chincoteague type situation. I don't think there are any wild llamas. Just like there's like, you know,

have you ever seen a fucking hamster in the wild? No, that's true. I guess not. If you do, they're in a wheel and they're just going down the fucking path. A naturally occurring wheel. Yeah, exactly. Like made out of a rock or a tree. They made it out of twine.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what they do for the first three years of their life is build a wheel. They build their own wheel. Yeah, exactly. Like made out of a rock or a tree. They made it out of twine. Yeah. Yeah, that's what they do for the first three years of their life is build a wheel to get around it. They build their own wheel. Yeah. They run in it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm you Love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you Jordan Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. And your guest for today, Mr. Jonah Ray. Jonah Ray, of course, from Nerdist Podcast. Nerdist the podcast. The Nerdist Podcast the. Nerd pod. Laser sign podcast Jonah Ray

Hawaii's favorite son Except For Barack Obama and probably a lot of Hawaiian like native Hawaiian people Yeah there's other comics there's Andy Bumatai King Kamehameha Yeah there's Augie T he's really Popular comic in Hawaii

Queen Lily Okolani Queen Lily Okolani. Queen Lily Okolani. There was actually a prince. Sarah Val. Surfboard. Sarah Val's book. Yeah, her book about plate lunch. There's Prince Jonah Kuhio.

He was a... What about Israel complicated last name? His name is Israel Kamakavika Ole. The guy with the beautiful angel voice. Yeah, he has also... Some also songs about sumo wrestlers he was um his his name he was known as brada is though is brada is as in israel um i got uh beat up once he died when i was in in i think like seventh grade and he uh because complications of eating too much um and uh of being a sumo wrestler yeah at some point he was he couldn't even be a sumo wrestler even if he wanted to

you actually kind of got to be a little bit athletic to be a sumo wrestler i thought he started out as a sumo right like he was in one of those sumo wrestling training camps or whatever yeah yeah because they have these huge hawaiian guys yeah yeah and they throw them in that training camp yeah i mean there was Yokozuna, I think. He won for a long time, and he was Hawaiian. And I remember it was like a big point of contention. Iz had a song that my dad had on a tape that went, Akebono, Musashimaru, and Konishiki.

Konishiki, he was huge. Konishiki, I remember when I was in Japan when I was a kid, Konishiki was a big deal Because he was not He was like a first tier wrestler But not a champion wrestler But he was like 6'8, 7'90 or something Yeah he couldn't

If he didn't get you right away He would lose Because once he starts to tip It's over And it's like a cartoon where he hits and everyone fucking comes out of their seats But I was going to say Israel back and be like oh he died um but it is and uh someone said hey did you hear about brad is and i said this is probably one of the first like jokey jokes i'd ever said in my life i said brad is more like brad was oh and then i feel a fucking

really aggressive tap on my shoulder. And I turn around. And it's his ghost. And it's his ghost. I was like, you're that fat that you can still... And the ghost yells, get him, fellas. Yeah, exactly. Even your ectoplasm feels like a hand. Yeah, exactly.

So, a lot of saturated fat in his... Right, right. But yeah, yeah. Prada is working like a vehicle. Frank DeLima, he was a really big comic when I was growing up in Hawaii. He had put out the joke book, and it's like, you know, it's like one section is Howley's. All right, cool. You make fun of just like white people, whatever.

Next section, you know, Samoans. Next section, you know, Tongans and Bradas and, you know, Filipinos and then Japanese or book books. You know, it's just all these different things. It's just the most racist book i've ever made more racist than uncle tom's cabin i used to bring it out i used to bring it on stage and like say like if you don't think i'm funny uh here's my background and i just read from the book there's only only ethics and it's all just like you know it's written in pigeon English. Just like that. Just like how they, you guys heard of

the Da Jesus Kind book? I know. Da Jesus Kind book is the New Testament of the Christian Bible written in pigeon English. Or if you watch Y5O, they call it Bird,

which is like the most insulting thing for some reason to me. Oh, the new Y5O? The new Y5O, it's like a guy's like, so you say, oh, what'd you kind of go with this place and the guy's like oh i didn't know

you spoke bird yeah it's like fuck you just call it pigeon let people figure it out um but yeah it's rewritten in pigeon english so it's all you know it's all so when this kind jesus guy say make dead stay make for three days tree t-r-e-e right i guess what he come back and he cured all the mahus which means like gays mahus mean gays it's just that's a really cured them yeah yeah that's nice yeah it's a it's a that version of you can look it up online there are you know you can find people doing sermons, reading from the book. It's real bad. It's real bad. I mean, it's just a place struggling to hold on to their culture.

They're just doing their best to have anything. Because it's not even a culture of a specific race anymore. It's just all these people that are all 17 different nationalities. Right. They're all 17 different nationalities. Right. It's the culture of a nation that happened to be a nice halfway point for whaling voyages. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, it's just, you know, some Polynesian people came there a long time ago, split up, and then all started murdering each other. And then one guy, King of Manmea, united them. That's the thing. He united them through brutal murder. Through the wars. Like, his tactics were insane if he would he would make alliances and then kill the kings on the other islands and it's like you know you're so you fucking you know there's rows and everything it's like that's

just yeah but that's just history in general you know there's a point but at least they all cured the gays yeah they found a way to cure so something good came yeah and then um yeah then it's you know then it's great. I mean, you have to take Hawaiian history when you, to graduate from high school there. Oh, wow. So, you know, I do feel that I, you know, I am part of the Hawaiian culture. What do you learn about in that class? You learn about what?

California missions, right? Yeah. Yeah, you learn. The gold rush. So you do learn a lot about like, you know, like you, the alphabet and like a lot of words and a lot of the customs, a lot of games. You go to a place like the – Like Dreidel.

Yes, exactly. Rocks on a fucking knit, like leaves knit together and then you slide rocks across it. I don't really know how it works. The most boring games. Why would they make games? There's fucking hikes and surfing to do. But it's Hey, well maybe

what they just needed was better editing of their rule books. That's true. And then that shit would have really popped. Who could they call for that? The Scroll Video Game Website. To learn about the history of Super Nintendo. If you have thoughts

about the show, you want to give us a call. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org. 206-9844-FUN is our telephone number. 206-9844-FUN. Put it in your cell phone so you can call it whenever something important comes to your mind. Jordan, this is an important week. Yes. This is the week of the Jordan Jesse Go review in iTunes.

Here's what happens. iTunes has this ranking system. And the rank, because iTunes doesn't know how many people are subscribed to a podcast, it cannot know that. There's no way for... Apple doesn't look into your computer to find out if you're subscribed to a podcast. So what that ranking is based on is basically, it's a mix of a couple of different things. One is if you've clicked on it, how many people have clicked on it in the store.

So not even the subscribe button, but just clicked on it in the store. And one really big one is how many people have reviewed it lately. And because our show has been around for five years now, I think we don't do as well as we could in the rankings because many of our subscribers have been subscribed now for years and they've said what they've needed to say yeah and or they've just they just don't have a reason to click on the thing like if if oprah started a podcast today her 50 000 fans or whatever would rush into iTunes and Oprah would be number one. Oh, so is this why every time Kevin Smith makes a new episode, it's an entirely new podcast? Oh, I get it now. I was wondering.

He's good at manipulating the fucking game. Sure. That's actually more just a matter of sort of time constraints. Like you can only have 90 minutes in an episode of a podcast. So if you figure 100 episodes, that's about 150 hours. So that's just one episode for Kevin Smith. So he just wants to keep starting. He has a podcast's worth of content in a given.

But anyway, so this is our week for go into iTunes, review Jordan Jesse Go. Click on it randomly for no reason. Click on it in the store. Yeah, you can click on it in the store. Review all of the MaximumFun.org podcasts of course, but just please do that and just know that in addition to showing other people

that you like the show and sharing with other people what you think of the show, it also makes a big difference in terms of who wanders into iTunes and sees it. So go ahead and do that. And JJ Go is our hashtag on Twitter. More and more people have been using

that hashtag, Jordan Jesse Go. It sounds like you're in pain trying to hashtag. Everyone's using their hashtags. Well, you know, I like hashtags, but what I love is hash browns So it pains you to say the word hash But then it ends up

You're not speaking about hash browns I think you just named what's going to be on your tombstone At the end of your life Hated hashtags, loved hash browns Or just Jesse hash browns Gold miner I want to give a shout out to Brett Gunter Or just Jesse Hashbrowns Thor. Sounds like a gold miner. I want to give a shout out to Brett Gunter on Twitter, who reminded me about how much I wanted to talk about Larry Sanders

with a JJ Go tweet that was related to Larry Sanders. And to Jing Yi, who tweeted, it's as good a day as any to wear a Jordan Jesse Go t-shirt. That's not necessarily the kind of, that's sort of a half-enthusiastic tweet. It seems like it's enthusiastic, not as good a day as any. Every day is a good day

would probably be the enthusiastic version of that. It's hard to judge people's tweets sometimes. Some guy that was a Nerdist Podcast fan came to the weekly show I got with Kumail at the Meltdown, and he was like, went to the show, you're really good at hosting and doing stand-up keep it up.

I wasn't planning on it but the random tweet is going to make me continue on the thing I've been doing for the past nine years. Right. You may be like you want to give up. Good job. You should probably just keep on with it. Yeah. Keep on keeping on. I think you got something there, kid.

Anyway, so thanks to everybody who's been hashing their tweet tags with Jojo. I got to say that my brother, my brother and me are really kicking our ass pretty squarely in that department. But I think in the long run, I think in the long run, my brother, and me are really kicking our ass pretty squarely in that department. Yeah. But I think in the long run...

Yeah. I think in the long run, number one, I don't think Stop Podcasting Yourselfs even have a tweet tag. Yeah, so it's... Yes, in light of our shortcomings, let's bring up somebody who's doing even worse. Well, I'm saying we're middle of the pack here in the friendship contest. I think we can overtake these. These Johnny come lately ne'er do wells.

Just because there's three of them. Oh, there's three of them. That's a good point. I don't think we can take them unless Jonah rolls with us. I can do whatever the fuck you guys want me to do. I swear to God. Can you get some Hawaiian guys on our team? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Will you pull out one of your teeth in front of us? I'll do anything you guys want and just let me keep on hanging out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Will you pull out one of your teeth in front of us? I'll do anything you guys want, and just let me keep on hanging out.

Also, I need a place to stay. Not Hawaiian guys. I want Tongan guys. Oh, Tongan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Tongan guys are bigger than Hawaiian guys. Yeah, yeah. So everyone's like, Samoan guys are huge.

Tongan guys are bigger. Tongan guys are enormous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they don't have as fun names, though, as the Samoan simone guys you know like the bullies of my school were tony tata who i think went to go play professional football then there was tupu toa tui all these guys all fucking hated me all these guys hated me did you have any filipino guys in your class that had cool names um no um i did have a uh biology teacher that uh his name was Mr. Lulu. First name, also Lulu.

His name was Lulu Lulu, and he was awesome. I heard from my friend Maria Filipina. I won't give out her last name, but her middle name is Filipina because she's Filipina. And when we were in college, it reminded me of when we were in college, the number one activity in a meeting of the Filipino club is to just discuss who has the cousin with the funniest and most ill-advised name. As they all eat chicken adobo. Yeah, like Maria Filipina. Maria had a cousin named Filimer.

Oh, yeah. For Filipino American. Oh, Jesus. Filipino American. Jesus. And then my roommate Mike had like three different cousins that had different sort of regular English style names

as in Nation of England style names like John and Phil and stuff like that. They just had Bert at the end. There was a John Bert and a Dan Bert. That just sounds like what they Burt. Yeah. Anyway. That just sounds like

what they talk about. Awesome. I'm Portuguese, so I got made fun of a lot by a lot of the Filipinos. Oh, yeah. Because you make a different style of stew.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. We make Portuguese bean soup. Yeah. Okay, well, it's been a delight to have you. You can, of course, find Jonah Ray on his podcast

on the internet at Nerdist.com. You can find Jonah on the tweeters. What's your tweeter handle? At Jonah Ray. You can find him on television on your WebSoup program. Wednesdays at 7. Fucking download it.

You can find his work, at least, on the upcoming Nerdist television program on the BBC American Network. And it's fucking tremendous. Jonah Ray. He's Hawaii's most beloved son. Thank you for being here. Oh, do you mind if I plug my weekly Wednesday? No, please. Every Wednesday night at Meltdown Comics on Sunset in Hollywood,

me and another really amazing comic, Kumail Nanjiani. One of the best in the business. Yes, one of my favorite comics. When he was on The Sound of Young America, I think I rarely will get emails from public radio listeners. I think I got

eight emails from people saying, who was that hilarious comic? He is so fucking funny. It might have been because his name is complicated. But he's also very, very funny. Yeah, he's great. So me and him host it together and his awesome wife, Emily Gordon, produces it.

And it's every Wednesday. And it's a lot of fun, a lot of good comics, a lot of comics you had on the show here. Like last week, we had Greg Proops. Dimitri Martin stops by. Z stops by. Donald Glover. Daniel Tosh stopped by. Hey.

Yeah. That was a surprise to everybody. And he's like, hey, guys, did you know two million people watch my show? I'm a pretty funny comedian. Nothing against me. But what's up with that? Yeah. He'll be the first to fucking say that, too.

I chatted with him a bit. He is just as dumbfounded as anybody. He's like, hey, hey, look, I'm a funny guy. Everyone likes me. It's not about me being bad. It's just more people than Conan. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You know what it is.

People just like seeing people get hit in the nuts. It's just America's Fine Song Videos for a cooler crowd. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. All right. Sorry. We'll talk to you next time.

All right. Right here. Thank you, guys. I'm Jordan Jessico. Review us on iTunes.