Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 183: Paprika with Julie Klausner

Episode Date: July 11, 2011

Julie Klausner from How Was Your Week? joins us for a discussion of goulash and Daniel Craig.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

We're joined by the great Julie Klausner for some discussion of Daniel Craig and Jason Statham. And of course, the spice paprika. Let's go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day in Los Angeles. A steamy one today.

Hot. I'm wearing short pants. Jordan, what kind of pants you got on? Also short pants. Excellent. Well, it's appropriate for the summer season. Oh, yeah. I'm wearing what our friend Jonah Ray would call an Aloha shirt. Mm-hmm.

That's nice. Is that vintage? It's a vintage aloha shirt. Yeah, it's very nice. You're a regular Don Ho over there, Jesse. It's how I enjoy my Sunday afternoons as a Southern California father-to-be. I may do some barbecuing later.

Sure. That's actually not true. I have some, what's this called? It's a Hungarian food with beef chunks and a lot of paprika. Yeah. Oh, hey, I thought up a dad joke for you. What's this thing called? Uh, this is, no, this is just a joke you can make to your child.

No, what is the thing called with the beef? Okay, number one, shut your pie hole. I'm, okay. If you're not going to pay attention, I'm not even going to address you. It's either goulash or paprikash. It goulash thank you julie klausner our guest she is the host of how was your week uh the hit podcast the smash hit podcast the podcast that uh bested me and somehow managed to book joan rivers um despite months of effort, I failed in that department. Have you been trying to get in touch with her?

Yeah. Well, we'll talk after. Okay, we're going to talk after. You should bait her by wearing horrible outfits on the red carpet. Don't listen to him. We'll talk after the show. I'm not listening to him.

He wouldn't engage my goulash trunk. I was going to give you a golden dad joke. I was ready. I'm sorry if I didn't. Okay. Number one, who's the host of the program jordan you're the host of the program i number two number two what am i making for dinner it's something with paprika in it i don't know it's called julie goulash it's called goulash

jordan okay it's called goulashash. Let's be welcoming to our guest. She wants to talk about goulash. We're going to talk about goulash. Oh, I didn't. I made this. I mean, how much more is there to say about it? I made it in my slow cooker. Oh, really?

It's part of the slow cooker revolution. I got this from my friends at America's Test Kitchen. Overnight? I didn't do it overnight. I did it a full day. But it's nice. It's stewed, so it freezes well. I like that stuff.

Yeah, because stay on microphone, Klausner. Sorry. This whole thing is a fucking disaster area. By the way, I'm sorry. It's Klausner. Wow. Sorry. Do you guys just want to call it a day and go see Zookeeper?

Like maybe, I mean, you know, we're already off to such a, just a lousy start. I mean, we should probably just... Did you see... We'll stop at Cold Stone. You guys can get a like it or a love it. I'm going to get a gotta have it. And we'll see Zookeeper.

Did you see the comments on last week's program on our message board? The poor people who felt sad when I pretended to be angry. Oh, I did not see that. sad when i pretended to be angry oh i did not see that yeah i pretended to be angry at who was i pretending to be angry at last week malky why was i angry at malky i don't know i don't think i pretended to be angry at malky i think i was pretending to be angry was it malky he's such a sweet guy how could i have been angry at him even i think he was trying to plug something.

Oh, that's true. You felt like maybe he plugged enough. I had already plugged a lot of different things and had plans to plug more. Yeah. And then he wrote in with a little monologue. No, I can take care of that for him. Sure. He doesn't have to look like an asshole.

Well, maybe he's been on some podcasts with lesser hosts who aren't as welcome. That's very nice of you. I'm trying to get things back on track. In my head, I was planning to fire you after the show, but I've changed my mind. Stay of execution. I've changed my mind. This and the Cold Stone Creamery thing, you are solid gold. We got Klausner here, of course.

Klausner. It's great to have Julieie guys come on we can just do it it's gonna be a lot of whole podcast ugliness behind us you know what i went to see last night i went to see um horrible bosses i went to see horrible bosses how did you know that's what he saw what else is he gonna see yeah i guess i guess you're right What else am I going to cook besides goulash or Prakalosh What was it called? Paprikash

I went to see Horrible Bosses and it didn't work out well for me so I'm a little gun shy about going to see movies I thought it was kind of a stinker Was it too long? It was just not very funny There was a couple funny things Look, I have an endless supply.

This will not change my opinion of any of the three leads of this film. These are all wonderful and gifted comic actors. But the writer can go fuck himself. I'm not going to say the writer because, uh, at least one of the writers is, uh, the guy from,

uh, uh, from, uh, freaks and geeks. Uh, the the guy from Freaks and Geeks. The main guy from Freaks and Geeks. He seems like a great guy in that Freaks and Geeks. One of the actors? Yeah. And God bless him for getting a screenplay produced. Yeah, the main guy.

The main guy from Freaks and Geeks. That's the guy that wrote that movie. Yeah, Sam Weir. Huh. He wrote that. No one owns from what I understand. It's possible it was the main guy from undeclared that wrote it it was either the main guy from freaking geeks or the main guy from undeclared some short-lived apatow project so but i have a lot of goodwill for both of these

uh little nebbishy teens sure um and so i i'm not gonna blame the writer i'm gonna blame uh just the universe you know the deck stacked against you if you're trying to make a good movie. The odds are that if you're trying to make a good movie, you're going to fail. You know, very few people can consistently make good movies. You know, it showed that they had the heart to put some good people in this movie. You know,

I would have loved to have enjoyed Jennifer Aniston's performance. She's great. You know, she's a real winner when it comes to stars, you know. She is great. She's great. She's a real winner when it comes to stars. She is great. She's great. She's really talented, man. She's great.

Julie, did you see the movie? I didn't. Not yet. Did you? I have also not seen the movie. Could have been worse. I've been trying to get this zookeeper thing going. Nobody seems to be getting on board that train. Jordan, I got something for you here.

Okay. I know that you've been having a lot of trouble so far in the podcast yeah um no one wants to hear my dad joke everyone turned on you no one wants to hear your dad joke uh you don't even know what the hell goulash is sure it's a hungarian paprika stew um but we have a note here from david i think david lives in uh japan says dear jordan uh dear jordan and jesse i'd love to hear you eat this pizza bar on the podcast i have not tried it myself but my friend has sincerely okay good sincerely david julie julie how do you feel about pizza bars i've never heard of one. What is it?

Well, it's a Power Lunch. It's part of the Power Lunch line. Can I see the label? We should say that there's Japanese writing on this. It looks like an elongated combo. Yeah. That's a good way to describe it. It looks like they're going to show a cross-section of a multigrain bar.

It looks a little like that, only it's savory, I guess. And what worries me about it is that filling, that multi-grain-like filling, is all pepperoni-colored. Yeah, yeah. That seems like a lot of pepperoni paste. On this package, there's a picture of a real pizza, which is meant to remind you of pizza. On this package, there's a picture of a real pizza, which is meant to remind you of pizza. Right.

And then there's a picture... I don't... Because honestly, would you make the connection if that picture of real pizza wasn't behind it? Yeah. And then there is a picture of what looks like a Nutri-Grain bar, and the filling is a dog's dick. I don't know about that. To be fair, a slightly compressed, flattened dog. I think dogs look like lipsticks.

Yeah. It isn't pointy. It looks like a dog treat. It looks like pepperoni. It looks spongy. The filling looks spongy to me. Anyway, we have it. I think we should just eat it.

You know? I mean, what the fuck else? What does it smell like? I'm going to hold it up to the microphone it smells a lot like a pizza can i smell it yeah here you go this is a this thing does smell like a pizza jordan yeah yeah oh you know what it smells like um when i was in camp and they'd give us like the baked ziti like it was clearly frozen and they'd reheat the oregano-y. Yeah, it smells very

oregano-y. I think it smells like a dog's dick. Jordan, what are you getting your nose down in there for? What happened to you? I had a very cruel dog as a child. I was actually going to try and break off a piece and it is

tougher than I would imagine. It resisted my first attempt at breaking it. Oh, it looks gooey. It looks like it has a sort of Nutri-Grain Bar-like consistency. Yeah, well, yeah, the outside is Nutri-Grain Bar-ish, but the inside is granule, more granule than I would like. Granular? Yeah. It's gooey.

I mean, it's stretchy. It's a lot stretchier than I expected. It's almost like taffy or jerky. Yeah, it's like a taffy. Here you go, Julie. Here's yours. Oh, thank you. David didn't say that he wanted to hear me eat it.

That's true. Julie is... So, Jordan and I will be eating a Japanese pizza bar. Julie's just going to check out her makeup in her compact that she just brought out of her purse. I'm a little schwitzy. I'm just fixing my shine. What do you got there, Jordan?

A little warm here. Don't chew. We got to lean away from the microphone when you chew or we're going to get in trouble with the chew police. Well, they know that I'm eating it. I know, but the chew police... They're eating it. The chew police are out there and they have a lot of access to email. We know that I'm eating it. I know, but the true police... They're reading it. The true police are out there, and they have a lot of access to email.

We know that from past programs. How is it? It's not good. I don't want to eat any more of it, honestly. I have a modest piece, and I don't want to finish it. Jesse? It is way... It's like a spongy taffy yeah consistency what is the flavor is it really

salty it doesn't have a lot of flavor it's sweeter than i expected that the smell is the most noteworthy thing it does not taste like it smells either for some reason it gives off that waft of italian spice uh but biting into it is just like a... Yeah, it's a combination of taffy and a gross sun-dried tomato. But spongy too, right? I'm not off-base in describing it as spongy. Very spongy. It's like eating Play-Doh.

To me, the consistency is most like Play-Doh To me the consistency is most Like Play-Doh It's like if green Play-Doh You know how different You know those smelly markers That you had in preschool and elementary school It's like if green Play-Doh Was a smelly

Play-Doh and it smelled like oregano Sure We just ate that And looked like a dog's dick rolled up like sort of uh sort of hot dog and a bagel style so this is a bagel dog and then flattened culinary expert julie klausner you know it's you're closer but there's like a z sound so like klausner. Yeah, that's how my family pronounces it.

We pronounce it in the German style. Please don't. No. I shan't. I'd prefer if you didn't. It says on the label that it's from the Power Lunch line. Is this meant to be eaten with business associates while you're hashing shit out? I think it is.

Do you think this is like when guys are like, all right, we're going to be here all night, put on a pot of coffee, and get out the pizza bars. Everybody tears it open, and they have that signature smell that means taking care of business to the Japanese businessman. Right. To the salaryman, as they're known in Japan. Is that true?

As I understand from slightly xenophobic magazine articles in the late 1980s. From what, like Spy? No, from like a Newsweek magazine. Like trend pieces that accompanied Gung Ho? I would say maybe something that accompanied Rising Sun, the film Rising Sun, or the book Rising Sun for that matter. Something about how the repressed Japanese salaryman goes to work in his mind-numbing cubicle every day

and then at night he breaks loose with wild bouts of karaoke and themed pornography. So we should pity him as he takes our job. Exactly. We should pity Slag. We should pity fear him, essentially. We should fear how pitiable he is because it makes for a business advantage. I never heard that term, salaryman.

It seems like it would be the least easy term for him to pronounce. You really... There's a lot of L's and R's that you can swap. In school, to promote nutrition, we got a visit from Celery Man. Is that true? Or did you just make that up? No, it's not true. Jordan, I feel like...

I'm like Googling Celery Man. I feel like this is a good opportunity. That's who showed me the dog stick for the first time. I was going to say, does he do bachelorette parties? Yeah. Now that you've... Are you planning a bachelorette party? And will you marry me?

You didn't let me finish the second part. Oh, okay. And now that you've shared that dad joke, maybe it's time for your dad joke. Okay, this is assuming that when your child is old enough to understand jokes, Rizzoli and Isles is still on the air. When you drive by a billboard for Rizzoli and Isles, you say, Rizzoli and Isles You say Rizzoli and Isles

Is that a TV show or an Italian dinner? And then your kid will be so embarrassed And that is therefore a successful dad joke What do you see as the key to target demo for this joke? Well, it's what a dad joke It's supposed to just embarrass whoever's around, especially your kids. But you're really projecting

far into the future because a child doesn't develop the capability of being embarrassed by its parents until it's like eight or nine, right? I like that you have no qualms with the premise of the joke. No, this is a solid piece of business here.

This is a great little chunk that Jordan's carved out. Jordan's a professional comedy writer. How long has Law & Order been on the air? Like 20, 25 years. Well, the original is off, right? Didn't the Jay Leno show get rid of it? Oh, yeah.

No, you know, I think the original Law & Order is gone, but very recently. I'm just saying, I think that Rizzoli & Isles has the same staying power. Are you imagining a sort of Rizzoli & Isles verse with a variety of spin-offs, Rizzoli and Isles. Oh, SVU. SVU and so forth?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, who's that guy that didn't... Maybe they bring in like a Steve Guttenberg? Well, I was going to say, who's the guy that isn't everything? He used to be a stand-up comedian and he links all the universes. Philip Bosco.

No. Incorrect. Incorrect. He's the one he appeared on Homicide and The Wire. Right. The Bells. Oh, yeah. Richard Belzer.

Richard Belzer. Yeah. I mean, if we can get Belzer involved in some sort of Rizzoli and I'll spinoff, then everything will... Then I think that will ensure that my joke is valid well into 2020. I want to take this opportunity to convey to our at-home listener just the absolute placid confidence with which julie klausner is delivering these little nuggets of vital information you got my name right julie is well it's out of out of sheer respect i wasn't i was having a great time mispronouncing your name earlier and frankly

before you came here i was trying to remember which one it was and i thought i should go back and check the sound of young america that you were were on to check which one of the pronunciations it was. Actually, when I got here, he said... Did I get it wrong on the Sound of Young America? Is that why you're making that face? I can't remember. I think I asked you before we started. You probably got it right.

I don't remember. Okay. Because you said, oh oh like i had gotten it wrong and so i shouldn't go back and oh no no no no okay so i was sitting here stewing over which one is correct and i had convinced myself that what had happened when julie was on the sound of young america was i had i had said klausner like as though you would say it if it were uh if it were a you know uh came from a romance language or whatever right um if it were, uh, if it were a, you know, uh, came from a romance language or whatever. Right. Um, if it was in the Rhine or whatever. Uh, and, uh, uh,

then she had said, Oh no, I actually say Klausner or Klausner. And I had, but actually, no, I should actually pronounce it correctly. Ideally. But anyway, Actually, no, I should actually pronounce it correctly. Ideally, yes. Ideally. But anyway, Julie is sitting here delivering this information with a sense of self-possession that I could only describe as Queen of England-like. I didn't eat the pizza bar. Like... Yeah, Jesse and I are still...

You know what I mean? Yeah, we're struggling to keep our composure as the power lunch eats us from the inside. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I appreciate it. I mean, don't get me wrong. I am bad at taking compliments. That said, one of these things is not like the other. I'm not digesting some, like, you know, air mail scent.

That's true. Power bar. I did travel here from a foreign nation. A foreign nation which may or may not be stealing our jobs. Their children are dying in cram schools We do know this Oh, cram schools I know that more than salarymen What about salarymen cutting loose at the karaoke parlor?

Well, I know of the image It's certainly like an archetype that I can Have you even seen Rising Sun, Julie? No I've seen Gong Ho a million times how will you ever understand 1992 america without seeing rising sun its most significant film my understandings of that year are mostly grunge based sure sure she's one of the cool kids she's a little bit she's a little bit too cool for for japan jul what did Mudhoney teach you about Japan?

Is there anything? Did they offer any insights? They would refer me to Sonic Youth. They would refer me to Chibomato. And I guess, you know, dot, dot, dot. Sure. All of a sudden, you're writing your own little cute songs about food. Remember those?

I do. They just played a reunion concert here in Los Angeles. How did that go? Actually, by reports of Julia, the producer of The Sound of Young America, it was a lot of fun. For some reason, Yoko Ono was also...

I guess it was just a Japanese lady's omnibus. Yeah, yeah. That seems like a lineup that makes sense. Yeah, sure. Yoko Ono runs around yelling and berating people. And then Chibu Omoto comes on and sings some adorable and, I would say, ethnically slightly uncomfortable songs about food. They weren't at the time. They were just fun.

They were just like Hello Kitty as people, you know? That's, I think, what makes them ethnically uncomfortable isn't it i'm i'm fine i mean i was nothing's gonna break nothing's gonna break her stride i'll tell you that i didn't know when i my my reference for my go-to reference for adorable japanese girl band that was popular in the early 90s shown in knife i have not heard of Chibo motto. You haven't? One of them was dating one of the Beastie Boys. Is that correct? I'm sure, yeah. It was like that X-Girl fashion line, and there was a lot of crossover.

Yep. One of them maybe... Free Tibet? Maybe that's something you could say? I'm working from very vague memories circa 1999, but I'm saying, I want to say one of them was Japanese, one of them Japanese-American. That I have no idea about. Something like that.

I do not know. But all of their songs, they're sort of pseudo-hip-hop songs, sort of like the Beastie Boys, and they were all about food. Every song was like, you know, bowl of noodles. Sure. So there you have it. All right. Well, we're having a lot of fun here.

Mm-hmm. Got some new soundproofing up on the walls. Hope you're enjoying that. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Love you, love you, vivant, authoress. Does authoress need a, that shouldn't be gendered. I like the word. It's funny.

It's like baroness. Authoratrix. Sure. That I don't care for. You don't care for that one? No, it doesn't. You don't like the implied deception. Or, yeah, it doesn't sound like a a title i guess it just sounds like you want

something that suggests is suggests that you're a member of the landed gentry yes something to go on a name plate maybe yes there's some stationary okay um i had a i had a wonderful morning doing dad things went to the ikea um the ikea is just it is like a crucible every time you go into the ikea you have to you have to pass through the thousand challenges of the ikea right yeah there's a troll with riddles and it's just what a fucking nightmare that store is just what a horrible nightmare what did you need at Ikea? Here's one of the many... You needed batteries and a plate shaped like a flower. One of the many things that is trial-like about the Ikea is something that we discovered.

We were looking for a secondhand crib and changing table for the baby. And we had been looking and looking and every, it turns out all crib furniture is, all the baby furniture is just of excreble quality and very ugly. And so I was like, well, if I'm going to buy something that's of excreble quality, it should at least be inexpensive and inoffensive. And so I thought, well, just get some unfinished wood furniture from Ikea, you know, like just some pine sticks in the shape of a crib and that's fine with me when it'll cost 69 and so we went to the ikea to do that or i should say my wife and my mother-in-law went to the ikea to do that last weekend did you have in

mind this kind of beautiful vintage crib with uh you know carved carousel horses. Just something that wasn't grotesque. Something that was not a grotesquerie. Oh, so something with Dora the Explorer on it. Yeah, exactly. Like these things, even a secondhand crib on Craigslist for some reason, even the ugliest crib you can imagine, it's like a weird, ugliest crib you can imagine. It's like a weird,

it looks like it is like part of a sort of fantastical home development in Florida in 1998. Like it's like all curving and swoopy lines for no reason. It's sort of like the giant sofa arm of cribs. I don't know why they put those snow cone makers in there either. It seems dangerous. We have this thing. Seriously, we received this as a gift, and it was very nice of Teresa's cousin to give it to us.

She had her own baby and didn't use it. That's why we ended up with it. This thing that you put the baby in that shakes the baby, and it's called a baby shaker, I think. It just grabs that baby by the shoulders. Just to kill unwanted babies, right? Is that what this is for? It's some kind of thing that's supposed to soothe the baby.

So it has a shaky mode that's like if you put your baby on top of a washer dryer. And then there's a scalding mode. No, Jordan, you're thinking of the scalding mode. Scalding mode. Yeah, there's a hot oil mode. Hot jets. But it's this weird chair that like, and then it does a sort of swoopy sort of, you know, rocking type motion. It does all these weird motions.

And then it plays these horrible songs while it does it. It seems like a nightmare. This is a baby version of that thing from clockwork orange right that holds your eyes open and shows you horrible images it's uh it's really a grotesque machine and i recently discovered it has an ipod hole it has like a drawer like a plastic drawer that you pull out and jam an ipod into and put it back in so you can listen to your like Bruce Springsteen or whatever it is the dad's listened to while your baby gets shaken to death. Does it shake the baby to the music?

Like, is it rhythmic? I don't think so. I don't think it knows what rhythm is. I got to be honest. I'm so terrified of this fucking thing. And again, it was very nice of Teresa's cousin to give it to us. You know, she just said, if this doesn't work out for you, it doesn't work out for you. You know, whatever.

She's just like, it wasn't her real baby shower gift. They had it on hand. God bless her for it. I think you should throw it in the garbage. Some movers. I feel it's so huge. It's such an enormous contraption that I would feel like I was murdering the earth if I threw it in the garbage. Like I would need to find another use for it because I would feel too ashamed.

I think you should take it to the dump. Maybe you could put cocktails in there and it'll shake the cocktails. I was hoping, this is my secret hope about this thing. We had to move everything in the house a couple weeks ago to make room. When we moved in, we had this idea that we could have this nice master bedroom where my office is as our master bedroom and have the offices downstairs and et cetera, et cetera. And just because of the number of people that we have working here on a day-to-day basis and also the future presence of a baby, it wasn't going to happen. So we had to switch everything we had to hire movers because these movers because theresa can't lift anything

and uh you know we needed somebody to winch the box spring back downstairs and she's totally a pussy you're absolutely right if a pussy but um seems like she's being a little bit of a pussy lately and like how she won't have a smoking contest with me pussy yeah she's she used to be able to drink me under the table i think she's gotten better at beer pong i have to say no no it is she's gotten better at beer pong um but i had the movie is helping her aim and the movers were gonna bring that thing downstairs and they couldn't figure out how to turn it off they had accidentally turned it on and i went over there and i couldn't figure out how to turn it off. They had accidentally turned it on and I went over there and I couldn't figure out how to turn it off.

Were there three movers all with different hairdos? This seems like... And it was... Were they being wise guys? It was going back and forth. It was like swinging and playing music. I could not figure out how to turn it off. And I just told them,

I just said, take it downstairs. I kind of hope that it breaks. You should throw it in the monkey cage at the zoo. That's funny. Like, you could maybe slip the movers 20 bucks and just say, make it look like an accident. Like, is that a service movers offer? Maybe for like, you know, like a piece of art that was a gift that you don't want to have to display. If it's the Delancey Street Movers and these guys are guys trying to get their lives back together,

I can't lead them into a life of criminality. Yeah. Taking $20 under the table to... Anyway. Fake accident break something. At the IKEA, we had to make a second trip to the IKEA. Because when we got home, we found out because ikea is from bjork's imagination they have a special size of changing pad that only all other changing pads are one size

and then ikea changing pads are bjork sized sure and so you know they're it's a it's a size that's perfect for lingonberry drink enthusiasts, but ill-suited to anyone else. And so we had to make a second trip to the Ikea to pick up this weird-shaped baby holder. And every time you go, I ended up, $150 I spent at Ikea for, I don't even know what I bought there. Any batteries. I didn't buy any batteries either. I bought four lint rollers. You should have thrown some, I usually try to throw some batteries on there.

They have these dollar lint rollers. That's good. And I just bought some lint rollers. I was like, I don't fucking, I guess I should buy some lint rollers. I just, I was so confused. I just, I was so confused. It was like, it was like, it was like when they tried to, when they were trying to cure schizophrenia with LSD. Sure.

Where they were, the goal was to just destroy people's minds and then build it back up. Right, that the brain would just start from scratch. That's where I was at with Ikea. Ikea within, and I skipped the whole first half. I used the first shortcut, the one that takes you from the beginning of the first floor to the end of the first floor. But I still fell apart

and just started buying animal-shaped pillows and plastic silverware. Here's how you keep it together. If this is the Ikea that I'm thinking of, there's a Panera Bread right next door uh-huh just promise yourself a little treat at panera bread after you get done maybe some chili in a bread bowl uh-huh and then just keep your mind on that just be thinking i can get through this what if i accidentally slip what if i accidentally slip and i buy some meatballs and lingonberry drink then i'm back in

the shit i didn't that was that was the one thing that i did i was so hungry by the end of it and it was only 11 30 it was still morning it was lunchtime i was i had expended so many calories trying to fight off the colors that i at the end i was looking at those hot dogs that they want to feed you at the end. Did it cost a dollar? Come to the free drink. Lingonberry drink specifically. I didn't know they have hot dogs. I knew about the meatballs.

The meatballs upstairs. That's if you're classy. With the noodles and yeah. Yeah, that's if you like have a date with you. And I almost broke. But it was like it took the 3% of my will that was remaining. I rounded it up. You know what I mean?

Like we were ready to repel the Mongol horde. I rounded up my will. I got everybody on the same page. And all I could manage was fuck hot dogs. We're going to go get some tacos. Where'd you go? Tacos La Estrella. That's a nice taco.

It was good? Oh, that's a good taco, Jordan. Jordan, don't cross me on this one. I know. I'm just saying you could have had Panera Bread. No. Salad in a bread bowl. Tacos La Estrella on York Boulevard in Highland Park, California. That's where it's at. York in what? I think we're looking

at Avenue 52. Okay. Possibly 51. It's a hell of a taco. Hell of a taco, Jordan. Can you get them in a bread bowl? Yeah, I'll probably give it to you in a bread bowl. What do they got to lose? Sure.

Just dig in there, bowl that bread up. They probably got some bread for tortas. Sure. In case they need to make some tortas. I don't like tortas. Nobody likes tortas. Yeah, right? Why are you mad at me? I'm mad at tortas. I don't like tortas. Nobody likes tortas. Yeah, right? Why are you mad at me?

I'm mad at tortas. What, you think you're so special? I'm mad at tortas. You're not the first one who doesn't like tortas. Julie, I'm behind you 100%. Look at it. You just seemed angry. We're all united

on the torta front. Let's stop fighting. But we can all agree that tortas are bullshit, right? Sure, yeah. It's not anything. Why would you want to put a taco inside of bread? Stupid.

Just put it on a tortilla. Tortillas are better. I know. Thank you, Julie. And Julie knows. Just look at her calm, collected demeanor. All right, quick, Julie. What was the name of the actor who was in Jurassic Park 1 and 3 but not 2?

Philip Bosco. That's probably it. It's Sam Neill. That's okay. But you answered it with that confidence. What's Sam Neill up to? Not enough. I feel like he and Liam Neeson should play brothers. Oh, that would be good. I feel like Sam Neill can have that. Liam Neeson has kind of had this resurgence playing tough middle-aged guy. I feel like Sam Neill could do that. He's sort of like the poor man's Liam Neeson in looks alone. Right, yeah. Certainly not as compelling.

In no other way, yeah. In my household, Liam Neeson, in my childhood household, my father and stepmother's household specifically, Liam Neeson was like unto a god. There was essentially a holy trinity, and I think it may be the same in any... Like sexually? Like they loved him, they had a crush on him, or... Oh, yes, absolutely sexually.

Yeah, women love Liam Neeson. No, it wasn't. I don't think it was sexual. Oh, never mind. There was a holy trinity in my household of Liam Neeson, Sinead O'Connornor and van morrison so just like great irish people it's great belfast people specifically oh i see okay the the like the pride of belfast is so intense it is burns so hot that if you are from belfast and you're not on the other side of the war that's torn a northern island apart for some 50 to 100 years,

several hundred years at this point, probably. I saw The Crying Game. Then they fucking got your back. My stepmother, I don't think she listens to any popular music that isn't by Van Morrison or Sinead O'Connor. Still? She's a Sinead... Oh, a thousand percent. Really? She follow her career?

She's fucking down... My stepmother is down for made-up version of Catholicism nun Sinead O'Connor. Because you know now she's fat and has hair and is gay. She's... Oh, I didn't know that about Sinead O'Connor. I knew that she was a weird... I knew that she was a new kind... that she had made up her own kind of Catholicism and was a nun. Oh, I didn't know that about Sinead O'Connor. I knew that she was a weird... I knew that she was a new kind...

that she had made up her own kind of Catholicism and was a nun. Oh, I didn't know that. She didn't make it up. If there's somebody out there in her version of Catholicism... It's not Mel Gibson Catholicism. I was going to say, didn't Mel Gibson also make up a Catholicism? His father is a part of a...

He is the pope in Sinead O'Connor's Catholicism. Oh, okay. And you pray directly to him. Is that what Catholics do? They don't pray to him. No, you don't pray directly. You pray to Liam Neeson, and Liam Neeson has a direct line to him. And he has a certain set of skills.

Exactly. And then Van Morrison comes in, and instead of saying words, he just makes sounds. But you're totally on board, because it's great. It's tremendous. You guys have seen... make sounds, but you're totally on board because it's great. It's tremendous. I feel like we're all on the same page in this conversation, that you guys have seen Taken. I have not seen Taken, but I would like to see it. I've seen bits and pieces.

I know of Taken. You guys really should. Jesse, especially with your looming position as dad, it seems like a movie by and for dads because it is, it contains, the horrors in the movie are horrors that are very specific in a dad's mind,

I would imagine. And then kind of in the end, the marginalized father is the ultimate hero and the kind hero and the, um, and the kind of bitchy, um, uh, the bitchy ex wife is made to look like a fool.

Who's that? Elizabeth Perkins? No. Oh gosh. I forget. Gretchen mole. Uh huh. Yeah.

I, um, I am, I am, I am excited and interested to see taken because while I do have some concerns about whether it's its brutality will upset me it's not it's you know it's a it's a pg-13 movie so is it really it can only be so brutal there is some actually brutal stuff there is a human centipede scene in it sure oh well i'm okay with brutal brutally obscured sexuality is fine with me yeah um if

if the if the violence is emotional and it's there for a reason that's sexual then i'm on board um the my um the thing that appeals to me about it is that these revenge dad movies the amount to which liam neeson is more appealing to me than Mel Gibson is unquantifiably huge. I don't even think you can compare the two. You're comparing them because of Ransom? Well, because, yeah. Don't you feel like Mel Gibson is a guy who would star in a Revenge Dad movie? I feel like it's Liam Neeson and Harrison Ford.

Harrison Ford. That was the other example I was getting to. And, like, nothing wrong with Harrison Ford like there is with Mel Gibson. I mean, Harrison Ford is fine. I feel like Mel Gibson is the wild card of like, I don't even think you can categorize him

with those three considering the last couple of years. Like, it's like, you know, saying something about Charlie Sheen, like without taking the last year into account. Yeah, right. I feel like his entire,

his entire career is tarnished. Like even like Lethal Weapon, which I loved him in that and you're like oh my god that's why he is a star or was a star his mad madness is what's driving him he's just like that funny action guy that is very hard to like um like not seem too cool with like i feel like will smith did it in men in black and not all and bruce willis to some extent with, what was the first? With Surrogates. No, I don't know.

But Bruce Willis has never. Surrogates is terrible. Bruce Willis has never been able. With Die Hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bruce Willis has never been able to master the ability to truly be a revenge dad. I feel like he could, though. Do you think you could buy

badass Bruce Willis as a warm dad? Do you think he could make that turn in the same film? If it was like a teenage daughter, I think, I'd believe that. Have you guys seen Live Free or Die Hard? No.

I have seen Live Free or Die Hard. There is a revenge dad element to Live Free or Die Hard? No. I have seen Live Free or Die Hard. There is a revenge dad element to Live Free or Die Hard. I've not seen the movie since its theatrical release five years ago. I was surprised how much... I remember that being that working. I think there is a scene where his daughter is making out

in a car and he drags the guy out of the car. That worked for me. I like Revenge Mom as a genre you're talking about like Sally Field did it and then in the Flying Nun right yes she flew to the rescue no um Mrs. Doubtfire uh Jodie Foster I think um yeah or what is I guess I can a Revenge Mom movie doesn't come to mind when I think of that what are the what's the what's in the Revenge Mom canon? I forget the name of the Sally Field movie, but she was out for justice. And there's a great Pilates scene in it.

Well, she has a weird harsh edge to her. You think? Or she could just go... Really? That's interesting, because I feel like Sally Field is someone who aged very cutely. And then in the 70s, she was just straight up foxy. And as she got older, she wasn't matronly as much kind of edgy, harsh, mad woman. I don't know about edgy or harsh. I would think there would be a mask for just like an internal breakdown, like sobbing,

like those Boniva ads kind of like facade. But interesting. It's interesting you feel that way. Yeah, I do. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I don't because I do. That's how I feel about Sally Field. What about Jamie Lee Curtis?

Not Jamie Lee Curtis. Jamie Lee Curtis is great. Do you have positive memories of her in trading places? Topless? Does anyone not? I feel like that is such a Beans McGee, that's tremendous. This is whatpless? Oh, does anyone not? Holy mackerel. I feel like that is such a... Beans McGee, that's tremendous.

This is what sex is, kind of thing, for people. Like, even women, they're just like, oh my God. Because she wasn't beautiful, she was sexy. What's been the last actually famous topless woman in a movie? Well, it's not the way it used to be. Yeah, I was thinking that when you said it, I'm like, well, isn't that weird that Jamie Lee Curtis, who I think at that time was famous, right?

I mean, can be topless? Her parents were famous, so she was sort of born into being famous in some way. She was famous maybe just for being in Halloween or whatever it was that she was in. Oh, Halloween was like her big, yeah, that was her big movie. But no, there was a lot of 80s topless. I'm, you know, I'm hesitant to say fun, but like there is definitely an element to like to make a PG or PG-13 movie.

You add like a boob shot, whereas now it's just nudity. I think I didn't see the latest hangover. I assume that there's like Spread Eagle, Full Frontal The latest Hangover is like If you imagine And I want to say that Maybe I talked about this on Jordan Jesse Go But I'm sick of people saying that it's exactly the same

As Hangover 1 because it's completely different Well isn't it much darker? It's just It's like Taken It's like what if Taken starred, and it's competently made in that area. Like, I found it, I never sort of, I never lost track of what was happening. You never lost track of how many hookers were murdered? I didn't, like, there was no point where I was like, where I didn't want to engage it.

That's because you make hash marks on the back of the seat. But yeah, there's no, there's no, there's nothing fun, almost nothing fun in Hangover 2. Like they've, it's, maybe it's just because I had, maybe it's because my memories of Hangover 1 are clouded by the fact I saw it in a preview screening. So I didn't have to deal with the sort of full cultural force of the kind of, the sort of douchebaggery that came out of the i could be like that movie was a little bit douchey but hey it's got those great people in it and they were being really funny you know what i mean and hey there was a lot of good jokes in it so the douchiness is not that big of a part of it it's maybe 25 i can let it go but maybe it's just the three years of associated douchery that's piled on top of that film

overwhelmed me as I watched Hangover 2. But I don't know. I don't know. Tough to say. Tough to say, guys. Can I ask you one question? Yes. Did you see the Spike Lee film The Inside Job?

Inside Man? Inside Man. Yes. There you go. With Jodie Foster? No, I didn't. Spike Lee, number one, this movie's tremendous. Is it? Inside Man. Yes. There you go. With Jodie Foster. No, I didn't. Spike Lee, number one, this movie's tremendous. Is it?

Just great. Because he makes some bad movies, too. He's made some really horrible movies, it's true. But it's great. I mean, it's just a fucking blast. This is back in the time when Clive Owen was in all movies and movies were better for it. Yeah, exactly. Oh, you like Clive Owen?

Oh, he's terrific. He's so handsome. Yeah, him and Jason Statham are going to be kicking each other in the face in something coming up. Very excited. I need to ask you about this in a second. Jordan, that is actually on my list of things I need to talk to you about. I like Daniel Craig. I'm just saying that.

Yeah, who doesn't? I would let him punch me or make out with me or whatever. He's really sexy. He's super sexy. I think he's sexy i was i was re-watching uh his first james bond movie on cable great as a lady that movie's great is there anything sexy about the scene where he's bonded and being hit in the nuts with a rope no but i mean well that scene's really intense i saw that with my mom and And she'd already seen it

We were at a weekend for a spa Mother-daughter weekend And we're like, oh, this is on demand Let's watch it And she's like, you're going to love it And she goes, Daniel Craig is in this He's rough trade And I'm like, where did you learn that term?

And then that scene came on She learned it She learned it from her 70s Where did you learn that term? And then that scene came on. Does that have something to do with gay bondage? Maybe I'm just thinking that that's the name. She learned it from her 70s gay friends. Apparently. And then I talked to her recently, and I was like, remember when you said Daniel Craig was rough?

She's like, I don't even know what that means. I never said that. I'm like, all right, Mom. But that scene came on. She's like, and I've never been to Studio 54. Exactly. And that scene came on, and we just kind of looked at at each other and we're like, this is kind of gay. And it was.

It was gay. Was it exciting? I think just watching Daniel Craig make eggs is exciting. Daniel Craig's sort of version, especially in the Bond films, of kind of brutal hyper-masculinity is kind of gay. And also being English and also being blonde is like an interesting... I don't know. I think he's terrific. He's sort of

gay in the same way that Steve McQueen is kind of gay. There's something about that absurd... Absurd masculinity. Absurd masculinity that makes you think that somebody is engaging in gender play. Sure. Did you guys see the new X-Men movie?

No. No. Oh, there's a lot of that. Okay, but this is what I need to ask you that is on the heels of this. I watched the Jason Statham film, The Bank Job. Is that what it's called? Mm-hmm. And I thought, this is Statham.

I like this fella. I can see what people see in this guy. The movie was not a great film, but it was okay. But Statham, I was like... It's a nice movie. I was like... And I enjoy a heist movie, so I was on board. That's my idea of fun.

If you want to talk about what kind of movie that's not great but is only okay uh that jesse will enjoy watching you're pretty much looking at a a well-made heist movie a moody heist movie or uh or basically the american starring george clooney like a movie where george clooney wears beautiful clothes in europe and it puts a gun together yeah and like talks. Smelts his own bullets. Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm interested in watching if you're going to have me watch a movie

that's a B and not an A. But I wondered if you thought, Jordan, because you know me well, we've known each other for 10 plus years, if I could enjoy the filmography of Jason Statham. Let me think if there's any Statham movies. Yeah, I mean, I might say The Bank Job is the one that you would be most likely to like.

Are there any that are like Jackie Chan movies? Yeah, the first Transporter movie has a lot of practical stunt work. I enjoy that. Yeah, it's just maybe the first Transporter movie. i just don't want to see somebody's brains on the floor or something yeah it's a i think that's a pg 13 i don't want to see something that where the whole goal is to upset me yeah um like saw yeah like saw and wait how okay let me ask you this how do you feel about Tyrese as an actor? Well, when I saw Too Fast, Too Furious 3, I was very impressed with Tyrese as an actor. I thought he was great in that. Me too. I was like, Tyrese is likable.

He's funny. He's bringing a lot to the movie. He's a beautiful man. The Lord only knows. I really was like, Tyrese was basically one of the only credible performances in that film. Julie, thoughts on Tyrese? Tyrese Witherspoon? Yeah.

I never saw... I didn't see the Too Fast, Too Furious. Although apparently Vin Diesel just sweats for the whole movie. Everyone is always sweaty in every show. It's a sweaty car movie. It's the only Fast Furious film I've seen. Oh, is it?

Were you able to follow it having not seen the... Too Fast, Too Furious 3, or what was it called? Faster and Furious? This is Fast 5. Fast 5 that I saw. I might also say that that is the only one you should see. Technically, that's Too Fast, Too Furious 4. Sure.

Too Fast, Too Furious 4. Sure. I, now, I saw it in a movie theater full of Mexican-American children. The intended audience. Who should not have been in the movie theater. And that added a lot to my appreciation of the film. But, and the fact that, like, when the reggaeton guys came on, there was, like, a three-minute applause break. But I did enjoy that movie i have to admit yeah it's cool i'm not a big i'm not like a king stupid action movie guy uh i rarely

will go see an action movie but i did enjoy too fast too furious four yes uh on the topic of Is there another Statham movie That you would enjoy I think Bank Job, Transporter 1 Do not see any Transporter movie Other than 1 If you like Tyrese Give Death Race a try Death Race and Transporter

What about Crank 2 Oh you should not see Crank 2 I enjoy Crank 2 It Oh, you should not see Crank 2. I enjoy Crank 2. It was the topic of a conversation on the Paul Scheer podcast, How Did This Get Made, this week, and they are all enthusiastic supporters of Crank 2. I don't think you will like it because it is purposefully over the top. But I mean...

But, like, in a fucking insane way like it's like even more insane than too fast too furious 4 no i mean on a whole other level unlike it almost borders on gay camp that it's so insane like they turn into godzilla monsters for no reason at some part there's like how is that gay uh you know in that it's just it it's it's just camp you're yeah you're redundant oh You know, in that it's just... It's just camp. You're redundant. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. In that it's like a drag show version of an action movie.

Like, as drag show is to show, Crank 2 is to action movie. Crank show. Crank show. Which is the name of the drag show that I go to every week. So, yeah. I think you will find the thing exhausting and not funny. What do you call yourself? Jordan River. Oh no, I just go to watch.

I haven't gotten the confidence yet. Someday, I will go up as Jordan River, the Middle Eastern drag queen. Jordan Euphrates. Yeah, and I will baptize people with my pee. Jordan, I believe in you. Thanks, Jesse.

Wow. I don't know. There's waterworks in this drag show that you're in. Mm-hmm. Wow. That's really... Water sports. Water sports?

You said waterworks. That would be crying. I do cry while I piss on the audience because I'm so embarrassed. That's great. That's part of my shit. That's like calling bondage bonding. Some male bonding. That's great. That's part of my strength. That's like calling bondage bonding. Some male bonding. That is.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Julie Klausner. I'm here too. You just did something. I tried to point to you and I accidentally hit my microphone stand and made all kinds

of noise and covered up your... Zookeeper. Guys, Coldstone. Zookeeper. Return trip to Coldstone. That's our evening. We should just say fuck it. Jordan, did you grow up in a dysfunctional household where everything was papered over with episodes of The King of Queens and trips to Goldstone?

Yeah. Right? I turned out okay. I've known Jordan for 11 years. I finally get some insight into what's going on underneath that curly hair. King of Queens and Goldstone stone creamery um hey how about some sponsors jordan sure uh guess what oh we have a new web form if you want to uh get yourself on them jordan jesse go jumbotron maximumfun.org slash jumbotron uh basically what we do julie

is if we have listeners out there whether they they just want to wish somebody a happy birthday or plug their business or whatever, just like in the Jumbotron at the ballpark, you can slide us a couple bucks and we'll throw you out there on the Jumbotron. So here's what we got this week. Number one, our friend Matt Howey and his great website, Fuelly.com, F-U-E-L-L-Y.com.

I think this will appeal to you, Julie. This is right up your alley. This is a website for people that want to keep track of what gas mileage they're getting in their cars. Julie, I know you're a gearhead. I don't have a car. Yeah, Julie's a New Yorker. You got a driving card, though, right? A driving card?

A driver's license? Yeah. Yes, and I have a sweet ford focus for the week so oh that's nice nice car and that is an unpaid mention that isn't i want to make that clear oh yeah no no i didn't the good people at the good people at ford are not paying us yet to bring up us the ford focus us yeah i'm cutting myself in on this thing i'm selling the advertisement here, Julie. It's a beautiful car.

Anyway, whatever kind of car you have, be it Ford Focus, Toyota Tacoma. Toy, toy, toy. Lamborghini Countach. You can go to FuelLead.com and track and share the mileage you're getting. If that's something you're excited about and into, just fuel.com. And you can compare what other people with the same car are getting. So you can challenge yourself to drive more efficiently and get better gas mileage and save the earth. And be a fucking gas mileage nerd.

We also have one more business message this week, Jordan. A return engagement from our friends at abundatrade.com they were so delighted with our first message a couple months ago that they have gone back in it's a website where you can basically trade in any kind of media uh for something new and you can either literally literally trade or sell it to them and they'll sell it out. It's AbundantTrade.com. CDs, DVDs, and video games, all of them, you just, they will literally, if you want, if you have enough shit, they will send you a shipping label. You just put it in a box and send it off to them and never worry about it again. It's sort of like selling

your books on Amazon or something, except that you just put it in a box, send it to them, and never worry about it again. Then the money starts rolling in. Set it and forget it. Or you can buy stuff at Abundantrade.com or whatever. Anyway, if you go to Abundantrade.com slash JJGo.php,

do not forget the.php do not forget the.php so abundatrade.com slash jjgo.php you will get a special deal

an extra 15% on your trade value all you have to do is type in jjgo in the how you heard about us so

our special thanks to the Abundatrades I think if I remember correctly they're based in the How You Heard About Us. That's good. Our special thanks to the Abundant Trades. I think if I remember correctly, they're based in the Santa Cruz area, our old stomping grounds. Sure. Send those booksees and whatnot off to Watsonville or Ben Lomond. Yeah, we'll have to meet them at Saturn Cafe at some point.

Aptos, the Capitola Book Cafe maybe. These are all places. These are different cafes in the Santa Cruz area. Julie, you got any cafes in the Santa Cruz area to contribute to this? What's Aptos? Like, toss your apps? That's exactly what it is. Yes.

It's a town near Santa Cruz. Oh, it is? It's where the mall is. Like, if you needed to go to the mall, you'd go to Aptos. Is it a good mall? No. Let's see. I remember GameStop and a Journey's shoe store.

What about the food court? By now, it's either... No Julius. I should just say no Julius. By now, it's either been revamped or it's a real situation. It's been 10 years since Jordan and I have lived in Santa Cruz. So during that 10 years, because it was sort of, it was in your sort of one Macy's, one JCPenney's type situation

when we were there. Like this could go either way type of deal. I think there was also a Sears. Yeah, like this could start having an anchor tenant of a TJ Maxx real quick. Yeah. I cannot speak to it. I cannot speak to where it is, but that's my projection, is it's either been revamped, they brought in some nice luxury retailers,

or you're looking at a lot of TJ Maxx's, Marshall's, and a lot of sneaker stores. I will avoid it at all costs. Capitola. That's why we used to call it Crapitola. My kid's going to love that when I take him on vacation to Santa Cruz. He will really enjoy it. Are you having a boy? Yeah, he's going to be a boy.

Yeah, me and him are going to be best pals. We'll probably play a lot of baseball together. I'll strike him out. I think I'm going to be able to strike him out. You don't care about his self-esteem. Fuck self-esteem. Kid's got to learn about losing. He's got to know he's a loser. Jose Canseco never learned about losing.

Oh, yeah. I noticed his Twitter diatribes recently. Those are funny. What has he been Twitter diatribing? You don't follow him on Twitter? No, I don't follow Jose Canseco on Twitter. He's a really good Twitterer. I only follow Walter Weiss.

It's, uh, okay. That was something for the people who are big fans of the 1988 American League champion Oakland Athletics. Oh, I thought that was like the Jewish Breaking Bad, like not Walter White, Walter Weiss. I don't know anything about baseball. Well, thank you for giving me that much credit. I don't know. But no, Jose Canseco, it's like tidying me over between seasons two and three of Eastbound and Down, just following him.

He is twittering about his ex-girlfriend. From in the Bay Area. But it is even Kenny Powers-esque. It is about how she'll take your pot and then fuck you over. It is in that vernacular. That's what I mean. It's tidying me over. It's like an extra on the DVD.

It's incredible. I remember distinctly when I was eight or nine years old, and he was a superstar with the Oakland A's, and I was a child in San Francisco. Oh, you grew up in the Bay Area. Yeah, I grew up in the Bay Area. Oh, sorry, go ahead. I remember distinctly an

incident where he was caught driving, I believe it was his Porsche. I'm going to say 150 miles an hour on the freeway. And he said that he had been running badly, so he wanted to see what it could do if he put some jet fuel in it. He is someone who my friend Alex Skordelis, who also grew up in the area, introduced me to.

And he told me all about his autobiography, Juiced. Is that what it's called? It's called juiced and he is unrepentant he still supports he names names um you know who did what in the steroid situation steroids i don't know but i'm gonna say yes yes judging by his his legendary blind rages in his enormous muscles he had had sex with Madonna, and he talks about all the groupies that he met on the road. He calls them road beef. Road beef? It's a tour de force. You know, beef curtains. My friend Alex, who I did Cat Whisperer with,

a friend of mine, and I credit him with introducing me to the world of Jose Canseco, which is a world that keeps on giving. And I credit him with introducing me to the world of Jose Canseco, which is a world that keeps on giving. I mean, is it worth, Jesse, is it worth just going to twitter.com slash Jose Canseco right now and just maybe reading what's at the top? I bet it's great. Okay, I'm going.

Let's give you a little dialing music. Oh, Julie, now that you mention it, your Cat Whisperer videos are very funny. Oh, thank you very much. I enjoyed James Urbaniak's appearance. He's so funny in that first one. So while Jesse's dialing this up, I'm going to recommend that everyone go watch Julie's Cat Whisperer videos. Thank you very much.

Here's his profile, at Jose Canseco, Los Angeles, California. Actually, the other day, I was on the Sklar Brothers' very funny podcast, Sklarbro Country, and Nate Corddry was the guest on the program, the very funny and talented actor Nate Corddry. And he said that he was playing softball one time, and then Jose Canseco and his girlfriend came by and asked if they could play. That's amazing. And he gets to work with Kathy Bates. Jose Canseco does? No, Nate Corddry does on Harry's Law. And he gets to work with Kathy Bates. Jose Canseco does?

No, Nate Corddry does on Harry's Law. Ah. Here is his profile. Stand and fight for the truth. Don't let any person or group of people take advantage of you. Any person or race. Fight the liars and hypocrites. Good and honest people suffer too much.

uh fight the liars and hypocrites good and honest people suffer too much um would love to meet a nice wholesome midwest girl here in chicago we play tomorrow night at 7 p.m in zion if anyone is out there for me is he still playing baseball what is he doing maybe he plays fast pitch softball or something um his i want to be clear here wholesome is spelled h-o-l-e-s-o-m-e it could be a misspelling or it could be descriptive he could just be a terrible terrible yeah terrible person advice to the wise don't fall in love with women who take their clothing off for a living or have a bad problem or have a bad drug problem. You can't fix them.

Be careful with women who show off their, that's T-H-E-R-E, tits and ass and think that's a career. He's right. Layla, I will never forget what you just told me over the phone. I will never forgive or forget what you said to me, Layla, I will never forget what you just told me over the phone. I will never forgive or forget what you said to me, Layla. You are, letters, evil.

Great. There's something about her stealing his pot, too, which is one of the greater... I'm not a huge fan of look at this crazy celebrity's Twitter, but his is pretty golden. Come watch me destroy a softball july 3rd i will show you that even at 47 i am the best power hitter on the planet and steroid free there you go what is? One just says roids. I mean, the Twitter thing is, what are you doing? Maybe he just took that literally.

The next one says drop dead. I don't know what this is. Maybe he doesn't know about at replies or something. Maybe he thinks that was meant for a specific person. It's just madness. Okay, anyway, if you want to be on our Jumbotron, speaking of sports, MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. $100 for a personal message, $200 for a commercial message. You can always get in touch with Teresa at MaximumFun.org if you want to advertise on Jordan Jesse Go for a uh longer thing a more involved thing a real

advertisements and so forth uh anyway maximumfund.org slash jumbotron we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, program, we talked about, I think, a lot about sort of the wisdom that we have to offer. I don't know if you know this, Julie, but between Jordan and myself, we have almost 60 years of life experience. We've been through a lot. You know, I grew up white in a predominantly Latino neighborhood. Jordan has had curly hair in a world of straight-haired people

for his whole life. I've also beat most of the Mega Man games. Are you Jewish? I'm not Jewish. You look Jewish. I get that. I prefer Jew-y. I don't. Okay. As a Jew, I don't. Well, fine. We're both Gentiles who are often presumed

to be Jewish. People think you're Jewish, too? Yeah, absolutely. You don't seem as Jewish to me. Thank you. You're saying I seem more Jewish. I felt like that was I needed to say that, but I didn't mean it at all. You're saying I seem more Jewish than Jesse. You've got, I like

know 12 guys that went to Hebrew school that look just like you. But I think what's most important is that we both came through our teenage years, not just unbroken, but stronger, wiser. I think in a way we're visionaries. You can tell you're not lying because you're talking about it. Yeah. I mean, we've got a kind of clarity of vision that I think a lot of young people are looking for in a world where they're getting all these messages. You know, what is MC Hammer telling me? What is Barbara Walters telling me? What are all these different voices that are so important to teenagers? Should I actually be avoiding the noid?

You know, am I a fever believer? All of these things are inside of teens' brains. What was that last one? Was that WKRP? He's a popular, he's a dancer from television. He's got very... Jason Fever? It's not dancer from television. He's got very... Jason Fever? It's not Johnny Fever.

No, this little fella has taken America's hearts by storm. I think he may have beaten up Rihanna? Sure. He's best friends with bathroom attendant. He's a little Canadian fella. This is a little Canadian fella. He's magical. I mean, he is just magical.

And teens have all these different things going into their head. You know, should I be, what should I do when I grow up? Should I be a fireman? Should I be a woodsman? The gum lobby is jumping down your throat. Yeah, they want you to chew gum, even in class. Smack your lips. They don't care if it's moral.

These are all things, baggy pants. smack your lips they don't these are all things baggy pants these are all things that teenagers are facing today that they're that they didn't have to face uh in the past and that we've been through like we're cool we're experienced but we're also really cool like we're role models to a lot of teens and so that's why we've decided to turn our chairs backwards um and have this segment called straight talk for teens oh i'll also be draping my leather jacket over my shoulder. We've had some cool teens out there in our audience give us a call and ask us for advice. And so we're here to offer it to them. Let's go straight to the tape.

Jordan, Jesse, it's Pat from Marlborough, New York. I have a Straight Talk for Teens thing. I was talking to my cousin. It's Pat from Marlborough, New York. I have a straight talk for teens, I think. I was talking to my cousin. He's going off to college next year, and his girlfriend is still going to be a junior in high school. And he's like, I'm worried about the whole I'm going off to college thing. My girlfriend, what happened there? Is this going to happen?

I said, don't worry about it. Things can happen. You know, it's college. But he doesn't listen to me. And I'm pretty sure if you guys give him some free talk, he'll listen. It's all about his girlfriend and how he's worried about it. All right. Thanks. Bye. Oh, my cousin's name is Tom, too. Bye. What is he worried about? He didn't make that clear.

He's worried that he and his girlfriend are not going to be together anymore when he moves away. He's going to go away to college. His girlfriend's going to be back home in high school. Yes. And he's trying to— Will the relationship last? Will the relationship last?

Okay. It's an interesting question, Jordan. Yeah, I— It's an interesting question. I had this—I went off to college with a girlfriend who was a year behind me and who stayed at home. Did you break—did you guys break up? No. Well, we tried to have an LDR.

How'd that go? You would know that as Mormon. Right. Yeah. You know, here's what I'll say about it. I would advise teens to not

do this just because college should be about having fun and boning down to to not what try to have a long distance really try to stay together yeah it's because it seems like if you're not planning on if you're not planning on going to the same college um i don't know well okay here's the thing uh it thing. It didn't work out for me. I could be speaking from the perspective of the dumped, because I was dumped during the summer. And it kind of felt like— So you guys lasted a year in a long-distance way?

Yeah, so it was weird. And then when I got back for the summer, that's when I got the dump. Okay, but you had a year of it that was— Yeah, you know, and I think I really... You regret? Well, I kind of regret it. But I do think I was kind of an obnoxious boob. I think I called and package sent...

Too much? To the point where I seemed just so needy and like I wasn't... So it sounds like you regret how you went about having a long-distance relationship. Yeah, maybe if I was a little cooler about it. Yeah. Like if you had, I can't help but notice the black leather jacket you've got. Draped about my shoulders, sure. Maybe if you had that then.

Yeah, no, I know me. Metaphorically, Joyce. I didn't get this leather jacket until. I mean, he literally does have a really cool... Is that Hugo Boss? I think that's Hugo Boss. It is Hugo Boss. Thank you for noticing.

Thank you for noticing. Is it Armani Collezioni? It's the Who's the Boss collection of Hugo Boss. Yeah, Hugo Boss is the boss. All clothes... Finally, Boss and Danza together. Well, it's all clothes Worn by Mona Mona

No no But Jesse I mean But you and Teresa LDR'd in college And now you're married With a baby on the way We tried to break up

A couple of different times And it simply did not take My wife and I We are the same age So we were both Going off to college But she in New York and it simply did not take. Mm-hmm. Um, uh, my wife and I, we are the same age, so we were both going off to college, but she in New York and I in, uh,

the New York of the West, Santa Cruz. Sure. And, both cultural hubs. Um, one for theater and art and one for hacky sack.

Uh-huh. Uh, they both draw similar audiences for Ani DiFranco concerts, specifically. Gross. Um, that was the,

yes, that that's correct. Julie. Um, I would say that your cousin, wash your dryer set for that. Your cousin and this girl need to break up. What?

Why are you guys? Because, sorry, keep going. Here's the thing. If, if it's meant to be, and the summer comes around and you're back in the same place and you get back together, then, you know, it was meant to be.

And I just don't regret. I love my wife more than anything. I do not regret that we, it was her plan that we sort of, that we decided to break up when we went away to college. And it eventually became abundantly clear that, that we were, you know, by the end of that first year of college, it was clear that we were, you know, going to be together forever. But, um, you know, without that time, you know, we wouldn't have known. And that's why I think it's important. Because otherwise what you're going to get is this weird socially and emotionally stunted year of transition where you won't actually be able to transition because you'll have one foot in each world. And you'll be all mixed up and weird and crazy.

You just need to get into the mix. weird and crazy. You just need to get into the mix. And I would also say, I mean, you still probably have some time, because it's only July right now. The fall's two months away. I would start the roids now. Right?

Yeah, so you're totally juiced when you get to campus. And you want to be super pumped. I mean, the thing about... But don't take so many that your dick falls off, because like I said before, you're going to want to be boning down Yeah you're going to want to bone down And you're going to want an attached dick for that Julie thoughts

About what you just said I mean Julie you wouldn't bone down with someone Whose dick fell off with you I think I smell your goulash burning Do you have an opinion about I do I think that I think that the brother should let... I think that the caller

should let his brother figure it out. First of all, I don't think it's any of the caller's business. Number one, it's a cousin. Number two, we're delivering this guy some straight talk. This isn't for the guy who called in. I see.

Well, if that's the case... If that guy's listening, he should stop listening. How about that? I'm kicking it up a notch. Kicking cousins. I think that it depends on the transition that you need. And I know that, you know, some people need a tough love or a clean break.

But at the same time, I mean, it's a big change going to school. And sometimes that big change plus a breakup is just added stress and you know if you're really in love with your girlfriend then give it a shot and also like have a conversation with the girlfriend see how she feels i think that um you know number one girlfriends don't have feelings number two now julie klausner couldn't be more wrong she's been right about everything thus far but she's wrong on this one take it from us i think you should have a conversation with the girlfriend and say what how are we feeling about this and what makes sense and

yeah and i think and i think you know and it depends on the person i mean there's anxious people that i mean going like moving away is really stressful. Julie, stop talking in circles. Also, I don't want to condone anybody breaking a girl's heart. Like, what if he hears this podcast and he's like, No, those assholes are right. All right, Kimberly, it's Splitsville. I'm not going to be on the side of that.

And then the girl's crying. Then he revs his motorcycle. Yeah, I don't'm not going to be on the side of that. And then the girls cry. Then he revs his motorcycle. I don't want any girls to be like... I heard Gimble's got the new Boss Boss collection. Yeah, I don't want to... I don't condone that or being behind that course of events

in any way. Here's what I think. I maybe clarified my thoughts while you were talking. Okay. I think you're right. I think I can remember conversations I had with my high school girlfriend

where she was tenuous about staying together. But I think, as I mentioned before, I was kind of a little needy and a little bit of an emotional mess. And maybe I— You needed her. Yeah.

I mean, I think maybe—well, it was my first relationship. And I think I had a weird perspective about whether or not we were meant for each other and we were not. Whether or not you knew that you were or weren't meant for each other, you needed to have her around, even if it was in your mind, while you went away. I don't think so. I might say, like, have the conversation and if the girlfriend

is tenuous about staying together, maybe see that as a... Yeah, as a red flag and then do what you will with it. I say dumper and if you weren't... If you weren't meant...

If you were meant to be, love will bring you back together, but you're never going to get your act together if you're pining for high school. Sure. High school's over, buddy. Yeah. Listen, cuz. I call him cuz.

It's time to cram a bunch of dudes in a phone booth. Put on your fur coat. Get your raccoon fur coat. Get your pennant with your college name on it. And go wave it around at a football game where they wear leather hats. See how long you can sit on top of a flagpole. Sure. Ukulele.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and Go. This is Rachel from Oklahoma. And I'll be turning 20 this November. So I only have a few more months left as an official teen. I went to high school in a really small country town. And it was pretty hard to have confidence being different, especially in a super Baptist community. And I'd like to thank you because listening to your podcast

helped me tough through quite a lot of bad days. Now that I'm in college, it's gotten easier to just be my own person. But the challenge now is that I basically want to, it's gotten easier to just be my own person. But the challenge now is that I basically want to avoid being pegged as a hipster. Some of my friends are already becoming parodies. So I get self-conscious because I want to talk about Wes Anderson or indie music. But there's really no humble way to do that, or maybe no humble way that's apparent to me. So any advice on becoming a young adult who is into weird things or just alternative things without being super obnoxious

would be appreciated. Can I say something? Yeah. This is not a real problem. I don't think, I mean, I think it's great that Rachel's in college and, you know, like sort of growing up really and saying like, oh, I don't need to struggle against people around me anymore. But you're still too aware of the people around you. And I think that another part of growing up that you'll find out very quickly is that you don't need to define yourself by your tastes as much. And if you want to talk about movies you like, you don't need to be as worried about people judging you suchly. And you don't have to be a cliche if you don't want to be a cliche.

Julie, you said suchly, but I thought you said sexually. If you want to talk about what movies you like, you don't have to worry about people judging you sexually. I was starting a new paragraph. Sexually, Liam Neeson is very attractive to Jesse's stepmother. I think, number one, I mean, she's 19 now.

She's turning 20 in November. That gives four or five months to get on the juice. Sure. So she wants to get super ripped while she still can yeah and you know my advice is flip-flopped for ladies grow that dick uh grow that lady dick here's the thing here's the thing like this hipster thing you know um i if one more person uses that word in any context at all to me i will pound their face into the ground because it is so profoundly meaningless it is so without it is a word that has no meaning only contempt it has only grossness there is no actual content to the word besides a vague sense of superiority over some other and that other is defined by their lack of soulfulness or whatever the fuck it is um i am so sick of the word hipster it's literally make it's physically revulsive to me i am revolted by

it it is disgusting um and what you need to do is just uh uh do the shit that you like and be a good person yeah you know here's my here would be my thing um my thing. My tack onto that would be, I think that what people don't like about those types isn't that they like Wes Anderson, it's that they're a jerk to you when you like something that's not Wes Anderson. So I would say, go ahead and like Wes Anderson and, I don't know, the XX? What's the band you can say there? Yeah, probably the XX. Go ahead. I don't know. The XX? What's the band you can say there? Yeah, probably the XX. The XX.

Go ahead. I don't know who they are. I don't really either. I'm just, I think you can use that there. They were on The Sound of Young America. I liked them a lot. Don't be mean to someone who wants to talk about, you know, Desperate Housewives?

What do you say there? I don't even know what to say there. Desperate Housewives. And go ahead and eat quinoa, but don't yell at someone who likes McDonald's. There you go. Just be a fucking decent person. And you know what? Here's the other side of that.

If somebody, like, here's the thing. Like, obviously, I'm dressed for a 95-degree Sunday today. 95 degree Sunday today. But obviously in my day-to-day life I'll often wear a suit or a sport coat or a necktie or some other slightly ridiculous, but I would argue elegant

pair of women's panties. Absolutely. I'll wear something silky underneath, certainly. It makes you feel closer to women. Absolutely. No doubt about it. I didn't even know about this until, I don't know. That's a thing.

I don't know if you've ever been to Crank 2 High Voltage. This is this amazing show that I go to once a week on Thursday nights. It's absolutely tremendous. It's got pissing. It's got crying. But sometimes i will get an angry email from some random person who saw an episode of put this on and was like fuck this hipster you know what fuck them you know like obviously i'm not doing any of these things for any like i'm doing them for the reasons for their reason of their inherent value you know what i mean like i i have

reasons to do the things that i do they're not really like they're not really like desperate social reasons they're not like about belonging to a group of men that and they're not even really about being weird it's just that's the things that i like and so if anybody has anything to say about it go fuck yourself that should be your attitude. Like, it's fine. Just go around, be nice to people, try and make other people's lives better. People react that way to like a subculturist because they feel made fun of. Like they feel like they're getting judged and made fun of by those people. And I think that sometimes it's real and sometimes it's not.

Like I think that like, oh, I feel like I've been made fun of by those types. So when I hear people talking about fixed gear bikes, I get a little defensive. Like, oh, sorry, I don't ride a fixed gear bike. And it's a little off base, but it's because I have been made fun of in the past. So I think, like, notice that, like— You have a lot of gears on your bike, Jordan. I do have so many gears. You have a 64 speed, Jordan.

Yeah, so I think recognize that maybe people have been teased before by people who are Etsy enthusiasts and just try to set a good example. Or just hate everybody. Yeah, or just really spray contempt. anxiety that drives people to become obsessed with where they stand socially that leads them to to deride other people for being too worried about how where they stand socially just do your fucking thing and be a good person and you'll be fine trust me me. But if, again, like the one central message I have to people, like whether you're young or old or whatever, is that, you know, steroids don't just help you build muscle. They help you live longer. They help you live a fuller life. And the rages are a small price to pay.

So get on the juice, you know, find Mark McGuire, have him stick that needle in your ass, and take care of business. Who do you think is easier to find, Mark McGuire or Jose Canseco? Jose Canseco tweets which weird home run derbies he's going to be at. Jose Canseco's got that softball game at Angels Stadium coming up. Yeah, that's a good point. Okay, anyway, that's Straight Talk for Teens. If you need some straight talk and you're a teen out there, 206-984-4FUN the number to call or you can email us at

jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I have a new thing where I clear my throat before I say something because it's gross. Sounds good to me. Yeah. Sounds like a blast. I have a new thing where I clear my throat before I say something because it's gross. Sounds good to me. Yeah.

Sounds like a blast. I'm Julie Klausner. Julie Klausner, our guest this week, her very funny podcast is called How Was Your Week? Oh. You can find it on internet.

You can find Julie Klausner where we're talking about Twitters, right? Sure. Certainly on the Twitters. Yes. Your twitter.com slash Julie Klausner. I am. You can find her on our Klausner I am you can find her on our award-winning

podcast you can find her on various web series your various television and film comedy productions you can find her jokes on various

television programs programs she's a multi-talented woman she's in basically she's got her finger in every pie thank you

there's it's difficult to find a pie that hasn't had a finger jabbed into it by Miss Julie Klausner She's a multi-talented woman. She's in basically, she's got her finger in every pie. Thank you. It's difficult to find a pie that hasn't had a finger jabbed into it by Miss Julie Klausner. I think this is the time to reveal that Julie is directing my one-person drag show. It's true. It's going to be exciting. Oh, that I did not commit to. I am still looking over the pitch. I heard.

Okay, well, it's going to be very exciting. It is a 150-page PDF. I was at that lunch, and I kind of exciting. It is a 150-page PDF. I was at that lunch, and I kind of felt like you. He sent me a PDF. That's just the pitch, too. That would make your hair curl and then relax it into a gentle wave. I mean, I was there at the lunch.

Remember the lunch at Spago last week? Did not go well. I felt like it went pretty well. The lunch was... I represent... I should mention that I represent Jordan theatrically. And when I say theatrically, I mean on the boards, the stage, where he plies his trade as an actor.

Yeah. And I have to say that I was there for that meeting with... You were there too, Julie. I know. And I'm pretty sure you gave a firm commitment. No. You didn't sign anything in blood. You didn't sign anything in blood. I didn't sign anything in ink.

But I think when we left... I asked him to send me something. Right. So you were going to direct. For you to direct. I'm still looking through the PDF. You're not on board for this because... I haven't committed to it yet.

I don't think we can even get a studio green light. This is a studio finance stage production, by the way. I don't think we can even get a studio green light. This is a studio finance stage production, by the way. I don't think we can get a studio green light without Klausner being on board. People know Klausner. It's like Jerry Seinfeld directing Colin Quinn's one-man show. That show is terrific. You are the Jerry Seinfeld to Jordan's Colin Quinn. Thank you.

I haven't committed to it yet. I mean, Jordan is calling Quinn. Thank you. I haven't committed to it yet. I mean, Jordan, but you know about, I mean, Jordan is on Fuel. I mean, this guy is on Fuel TV on a week-to-week basis. Yeah. And he has a built-in. We don't need her. You know why? Why?

Because I have a carrot dangling in front of Mr. Bud Court. So you can go fuck yourself. That's not nice. Court's on board, Klausner. The ball is in his court. Klausner, you know what? You're fired. I wasn't hired.

You are fired. You wanted in on this project. I am not letting you in. I am sealing it off. All that's inside is me and Jordan and Mr. Bud Court. People are going to get mad again because you're getting fake mad. Oh, it's always a delight.

I will be there opening night. It is always a pleasure. It is always a pleasure to have Julie Klausner on the program. Thank you. I insist that you visit her on the internet. Thank you. And say hello. Forum.maximumfun.org, of course,

is where we will be discussing this program. I want to take this opportunity because the very nice woman who works in Rick Burns' production office has pointed out to me several times. Each time that I've talked about the documentary film, An Upsetting Tale of Sea Madness. I have failed to say what its actual name is. And so no one can find it on their Netflix Instant. It's called Into the Deep. This is a film about whaling in 18th and 19th century America that I thought was going to be a regular American experience episode, but turned out to be a real terrifying one. Very good. Great, great documentary. Yeah. You can find it on your Netflix instance

called Into the Deep. What I really recommend though is that Coney Island American Experience. Get that on TV. That is worth one of your DVD slots. Oh, I think I've seen that. I've seen that. That is worth one of your DVD slots.

Yeah. For Grandpa Al Lewis alone. 206-9844-FUN, our telephone number, jjgoatmaximumfun.org, our email address, maximumfun.org slash jumbotron if you want to get on our Jumbotron and email Teresa at MaximumFun.org if you want to advertise on the program. Our hashtag on Twitter, JJGO.

It's being embarrassing. One of these weeks, we're going to have to do that thing where we listen to an episode of My Brother, My Brother and Me and talk about how great it is. Talk about what we can learn from it because they're really cleaning our clocks. Anyway, I'll be back next week with the great Nick Repeat Adams filling in for Jordan because Jordan is going to be in a movie film. What movie?

I don't know if I can talk about it yet. But I will tell you off mic and you'll be very impressed. We'll be back next week on Jordan Jessica.