Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 187: The Duckiverse with Kumail Nanjiani

Episode Date: August 15, 2011

Kumail Nanjiani, comedian, podcaster and actor joins Jesse and Jordan to discuss Jesse's new child, the Duckiverse, Mortal Kombat and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, pretty, lovely, Jesse, go talk of my beautiful new child is predictably occluded by talk of the duck averse.

Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's greatest dad. I'm Jordan Morris, childless. I'm the Thorne, America's greatest dad. I'm Jordan Morris, childless. I'm the king of dads. Childless loner. I am the king of dads, Jordan, from here on out. Wow.

I don't know. Well, okay. Hold on. Yeah. I don't want to imply that you're not a good father. I'm sure you are. You're a very loving man. Yeah, that's true.

I mean, we've loved. Sure, absolutely. Each other, oftentimes. Yeah, that's true. I mean, we've loved. Sure, absolutely. Each other, oftentimes. Yeah. You know, you're not prone to blackout weekends in Vegas. Uh-huh, correct. You haven't gone on any dissociative fugues that I know of. That you know of, correct. That I know of. But do you think you should save this boasting about being the world's greatest dad until you've, you know, maybe put some Neosporin on some skinned knees, until you've coached a few t-ball games, until you've pinned a few boutonnieres on before the dance? I mean, these are like key dad topics, or these are key dad activities that, frankly, you haven't, you know, you haven't tried out yet.

Are you familiar with the pre-poop substance called muconium? I'm not. Let's hear about it. It's black and tarry, and I've cleaned it off of balls. Wow. So that basically makes me the world's greatest dad. Before they start pooping poop, they poop something called muconium that is black and tarry that I have cleaned off of balls. Why is it a different thing?

Like, why does it need its own name? It is from the stuff that feeds the baby while the baby is in utero. Hmm. Okay. So, there you go. Well, yes. Case proven, as far as I'm concerned. Fair enough.

It stinks, I'd imagine. No, actually. Does not stink that much. Okay. Yeah. That's nice. Actually, a lot of the stuff that comes out of the butt for the first week or so stinks surprisingly little. How is it when spread on an English muffin?

Nutty. Oh, huh. Wait, this might be Nutella. Everything you've described so far is leading me to believe that you're, in fact, just eating Nutella. Wait, is that why my baby is jar-shaped? Yeah. Have you seen the baby yet? And difficult to diaper.

Our guest this week on the program, you know him, is one of the most beloved stand-up comedians in America. Sure, why not, right? Sure. He was on The Sound of Young America one time. I don't think I have ever received more emails on any subject than people who enjoyed his stand-up comedy. And I think it's a combination of how talented he is and how difficult his name is to hear and remember on the radio. Kumail Nanjiani.

Hey, thanks for having me. I didn't know that you got most emails. You didn't know that? No. Seriously, I mean, that's not... I don't get a lot of emails from the radio show. Yeah. We all get many more about the podcast generally, but despite the fact that like five times

as many people listen to the radio show. But I think I probably got half a dozen emails saying that was, who is that great comedian on your show? You got six emails? And that's pretty, that's a... That's a record. That's a significant number of emails. I mean, usually I'll just get one or two emails a week,

and they'll usually concern my grammar. You know, they'll be um and like related. Okay, well, then I feel very good about that. Can I say something? I met your son, Simon. Yes. Adorable. Thank you.

You say you're the world's greatest dad. Yeah. He wasn't really that polite. Kind of ignored me. He was asleep. I mean, in my defense, he was asleep. And nine days old. Right.

I mean, so you think I should have Emily posted a little bit in the last nine days. Yeah, put him in like a frog costume or something. Oh, that would be cute. Oh my God, if I come here and I meet your son for the first time and it's Simon the Frog. Now that's a baby I remember, you know? And maybe his crib was like the lily pad? Yeah.

You're missing all these tricks. You're too busy cleaning meconium off of balls when you should be investing in frog costumes. So you see this as an investment. This is a growth opportunity. Yeah. getting meconium off of balls right when you should be investing in frog costumes i do you see so you see this as an investment this is a growth opportunity yeah i mean at least till the age of four right that's gonna be great i want well i you know i say i say do it to the point where it's imprinted on his sexuality i think that's the nicest thing it won't even take that much i bet age of two and a half sure that. Sure. That's called giving the gift of kink.

Right. Exactly. It'll ensure that when he's older, he'll have a nice internet community to join immediately. He's not going to have to look around. Or taking the gift of normalcy. Have you? Right. Have you ever wished, I mean, for all I know, Jordan, there could be some weird specific thing that really turns your crank sexually.

But have you ever thought, I'm presuming that there isn't. Sure. Have you ever thought that that would be kind of nice? I do enjoy the breasts and behinds of women. Sure. I think that's pretty standard. Is it? Yeah, I don't think you're really breaking new ground there.

Okay. But I mean, like, I really like them. Have you Googled breasts and behinds? Your computer explodes. Oh, wow. I've often... From too many search results.

From too many, yeah. I've often thought that... But I'm like super into them. I've often thought that even something as simple as like a foot fetish would just be cool

because you just know you just have something that's not in short supply. And with the Internet, nothing is in short supply. So you can just bring it in whenever things need a kickstart. But see, I don't think Jordan and I need feet. I guess naked ladies. Yeah.

I have this weird thing where I'm really attracted to hot ladies that are in good shape. Sure. So that's my kink. Sure. I can understand that. But anyway, we're going to be talking about butts, behind shape, you know? Sure. So that's my kink. Sure. I can understand that. But anyway, we're going to be talking about butts, behinds, and babies this week on Jordan and Jesse Go. We'll be back in just a second.

Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Love you, love you, love you, love you on it till the last bit of the show. You can wait to reveal it. I'll go for it right now. Kamal Nanjiani. Liu Kang. That's great. From Mortal Kombat. You can call me Liu Kang. Is the whole thing the nickname? Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat? No, just Liu Kang. Is this from Mortal Kombat the movie? All of them. It's Liu Kang.

Yeah, Liu Kang's a constant in the Mortal Kombat universe. Liu Kang is the face of Mortal Kombat. Is he, really? Yeah. I thought the face of Mortal Kombat. Is he, really? Yeah, totally. I thought the face of Mortal Kombat was on top of a spine that had been removed from a body. Often times that happens to Liu Kang. He's been there. Yeah. Liu Kang is like the audience surrogate.

He's like the relatable one. He's us. Exactly. He's the Greek chorus of Mortal Kombat. Jordan, was it on this show or was it on that video game podcast that we went on together that I talked about how I have significantly more experience playing the PC shareware game Pong Kombat

than I do playing the legendary video game Mortal Kombat. And Touchstone of our generation, Mortal Kombat. Exactly. I don't know. Yeah, this was... Jesse and I were on the Retro Knots podcast back before it was Retro Knots Live. And I don't know. Yeah, this was, Jesse and I were on the Retro Knots podcast

back before it was Retro Knots Live. And I don't know, I don't, I don't know where you talked about it, but I remember this was a Pong parody

of Mortal Kombat. That would be like if you knew eat it, but not beat it. Which described me for a brief period when I was 11. You were like,

this guy's an amazing songwriter. So many hits. Dude, somebody ripped off weird al well i fucker yeah kumail is kumail by the way is uh the host of a video game podcast called the indoor kids correct that's correct yeah thank god i remembered that he's also one of the uh stars of the hit television program Franklin and Bash. That's correct. Was that the right cadence? Was that the right emphasis? Franklin and Bash?

Franklin and Bash. Okay. I think I go Franklin and Bash. Okay. You hit Bash a little harder. Yeah. Franklin and Bash. Franklin and Bash.

No. Franklin and Bash. Franklin. No. Just run by Franklin and Bash Franklin No Just run by Franklin and Franklin and Bash Too much emphasis on Franklin I'm just screaming Montgomery Ward

Rizzoli and Isles Turner and Hooch Sure I think we should be pitching Turner and Hooch To USA Is it yours to pitch though? Hooch. Sure. Is that a show? I think we should be pitching Turner and Hooch to USA. Yeah, right. Is it yours to pitch, though? I'm pretty sure you have to own the property.

No, no, Turner and Hooch is in the public domain. It's like Camptown Races. Turner and Hooch actually was a turn-of-the-century cartoon strip. That's what it was originally developed from. It's all of us. We only would have to pay the estate of Windsor McKay. Man alive. Wait, so did you just never come across Mortal Kombat,

like not even in a pizza place? Did it just not, you didn't have like a friend who had the bloody Genesis version? You just didn't even? The only people who, the only place where I played video games ever in public was the pupusaria by my house. And my dogs, by the way, are very excited at the prospect of pupusas. The pupusaria around the corner from my house, Los Panchos, they had a tabletop Ms. Pac-Man.

Which, by the time I was playing it, must have been 20 years old. I mean, this was not in 1974 or whenever that was a popular thing. And so that was it for me in arcades. Because when you're not any good at video games, you just put a quarter. It's just a quarter eating machine. Sure. It's really a pathetic scene to try and play arcade video games if you're not that good at video games yeah it's slowly losing money and having

nothing to show for it quickly losing money yeah i mean it's really i could still i could go up to any arcade video game in america put a quarter in and within 120 seconds yeah i have to put another you might as well walk down the street just putting quarters and... Parking meters. Yeah, and not park your car there. Exactly. That's exactly what I get out of it. So not that.

And I, you know, I had a Genesis, but I don't know if anyone I knew had a Genesis. Like, it was definitely, Genesis was where it was at for Mortal Kombat. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sega does what Nintendo don't. Mm-hmm. where it was at for Mortal Kombat. Oh, yeah.

Sega does what Nintendo don't. Mm-hmm. They had a code you could input to get the gory version of Mortal Kombat. In the Super Nintendo version, when the characters hit each other instead of blood spraying, it was sweat coming off them. A lot of sweat. They were very sweaty. And the fatalities were changed to finishing moves, and they were these kind of lame... Do you even remember what...

I never played the Super nintendo one i had the i had the genesis one yeah me too abac abb that was a blood code but by the that is correct yeah i knew that if i made a custom hockey team composed exclusively of ty domey defenseman ty domey i was guaranteed to get in a lot of fights that might end with blood on the ice. Okay, this is an NHL. Or is this in Mario Lemieux hockey? No, this is an NHL. I still contend that Mario Lemieux hockey should have been the franchise, and NHL should have gone the way of the Buffalo. Superior hockey game.

I have to admit, if at any point this show goes off the rails, I mean more than usual, I am not to be blamed because I am delirious. I am absolutely... Where is your delirium springing from? Well, you have a muconium making machine in your house. I have a nine-day-old human being who... I swear to God,

there is nothing that this baby likes about me. To me, I am... He doesn't even enjoy the muconium wipes? Seems like that would have a pleasurable sensation. No, he does not enjoy that because it's sticky. It's hard to get off.

But he wants it off and you're the one taking it off. He doesn't have a strong grasp of cause and effect. All he knows is that... I'm just judging from his communication which mostly involves him closing his mouth and then opening it. And that means that he wants boobs, which I don't have. That's like, at the end of the day, I am the asshole that doesn't have boobs.

To him, almost everyone has boobs because it's mostly my wife that has them. And I'm the fucker with no boobs. Just keep in mind that at some point in his life, you'll be the guy with a stash of porno mags. Yeah, you'll make up for it. Yeah. You'll make up for it. Thanks, Dad.

We live in a post-porno mag world, Jordan. I'm not going to be able to give him anything. I have some antiquated notions of dads, I think. He's going to help me fix my Mustang. Sure, yeah Can I help you build a boxcar racer? I'm going to have to learn how to do At least one dad thing

Well God I don't throw like a girl Yeah, sure, you can do a game of catch I can do game of catch You're fine You can teach him podcasting techniques That's a big dad thing, right?

I'm sure that by the time your son is old enough to be involved in social activities, podcasting will be the new baseball. Well, I mean, as anyone who read Time Magazine in 2005 knows, podcasting is an X-Bick wave of information technology. So

I think by the time he's 15 or 16. He can join the podcasting league, the neighborhood podcasting league. Absolutely. We'll put 20 bucks in the kitty and see who comes out the winner at the end of the year. He could win state. He could go to college on a podcasting scholarship. I'd like to see him go to nationals.

As far as I'm concerned, Kumail. Don't push him too hard jesse as far as i'm concerned kumail anything less than nationals is a failure oh no no i hope he never hears this one what can i say i'm a podcasting dad no you can rally the rally the kids before the big podcasting tournament absolutely clear eyes open hearts. Yeah, exactly. I know it's really, I don't know, I mean, having a baby. I actually, it changes you in these ways. I went to see, yesterday was my first exit from the house in like a week. And I went out with our friend Adam Lissagor from You Look Nice Today.

And we went and saw that Planet of the Apes movie. Oh, you saw it last night? I saw it yesterday afternoon. I saw it last night. At the beautiful Vista Theater here in Los Angeles. My personal favorite movie theater here in Los Angeles. Oh, yeah. Can't be beat. One of the great things about the Vista,

most of the things about it are great, but the manager dresses up like one of the characters from whatever. It's only got one screen, so the manager dresses up like a character from the movie in just the world's shittiest Halloween costume version of it and stands outside in waves. Yeah, I saw Wolfman. He's dressed as Wolfman. But then I also saw a social network there, and you could tell he was happy to just be dressed as a human being. So he had like those giant shower sandals and sweatpants just slovenly yeah just kind of lands in stuff in a vaguely 1999 type way

can i ask you something you saw prize of the planet of the apes yesterday i did yes did okay have you seen it i have not seen it no the first hour of that movie is very, very sad and very brutal. Did having a baby affect the way you experienced the baby monkey going through all the hardships? So, okay. So, I was excited. So, there's a big part of this movie that's baby monkey hardship. It's so, the hour. Jordan.

The first hour is baby monkey hardship. Don't even, okay. I'm glad you brought this up, Kumin. My wife almost walked out. Because she was so upset. It'm glad you brought this up, Kumin. My wife almost walked out. Because she was so upset. It's so... And it's unrelenting. It keeps going.

I wanted... Okay. So I was excited that there... This is why I went to this movie. I wanted to get out of the house. And I was so excited that there was a blockbuster movie with decent reviews playing at my favorite movie theater. And I'll go see any decent movie at this movie theater because it's nice. It's not expensive.

There's a lot of leg room. It's not one of these theater seating type bullshits, which if you're tall is a real bitch because that thing that's supposed to go behind your head ends up like your upper back sort of crunching you over. It's a very comfortable space. It was once a movie palace, I believe, but they took out half the seats. Nice clientele, too, at the Vista, usually.

A lot of movie theaters in L.A. You get a lot of people you don't want to be sitting next to. Yeah, I went to Glendale yesterday. A lot of talking, a lot of texting during the movie. Yeah, this is great. At certain movie theaters, texting during the movie. Yeah, this is great.

At certain movie theaters, it will turn into a Hispanic teen makeout orgy. You know, not that there's not part of that that's hot. No, most of it's hot. Yeah. But you're there to watch a baby monkey hardship movie. Jordan, you're just watching like Transformers 3. You're just like, man, there are so many Morrissey songs on the soundtrack. No, it're just watching like Transformers 3 and you're just like,

man, there are so many Morrissey songs on the soundtrack. No, it's just people's ringtones that they've not turned off. So it was great. And the monkey man

was outside, the manager of the movie theater. The protagonist for the movie. I thought maybe he'd be dressed as James Franco.

And it is great that the manager does that. It is the manager who dresses up in the monkey suit and I know that okay and I know that they're when we describe that like people who haven't seen it like can be can kind of imagine like a bullshit LA version of that this I don't know the spirit with which this is done it's a thousand percent it's really great like yeah it's a really great it's like an actual independent movie theater. Yeah.

The guy's been the manager for, like, 15 years. There was, when they had their, like, 10th anniversary or something, there was a big poster that they put up in the coming attractions that was just different shitty pictures of him in shitty costumes. Yeah. But he's such a sweet guy, you know? Oh, sure. He's really, like, has a passion for managing a shitty movie theater yes but anyway um so i was like set up for success because i would have enjoyed i've just been sitting in my house

watching watching like i don't even know gordon ramsey kitchen nightmares or something i'm just gone through all the television shows that i want to watch and i'm just left with shows that i'm willing to watch. And that's the short list. It's just Gordon Ramsay Kitchen Nightmares. And even now that's really starting to degrade on me after about episode 5. So I was set up to love

this fucking movie. And it's set in San Francisco. That's my hometown. There's so much going for it. I'm a native San Franciscan. There's a big Golden Gate Bridge battle that I've been seeing in the commercials. James Franco's in it, who's absolutely one of the top guys you could have in a movie. John Lithgow's in it. John Lithgow's tremendous.

And then, what I didn't know, and granted, maybe I should have paid more attention, but what this movie is, is first of all, a baby chimpanzee is orphaned. First ten minutes. Right off the bat. They lead with that. Just boom. Boom. And not just any chimpanzee, but human eyes. It's a human-eyed chimpanzee.

So this is like they put Andy Serkis in a motion capture and he's the baby as well? Literally. Yes. And he's amazing. I mean, everything that people say about him being amazing, and it is true. Sure. James Franco completely indifferent.

Definitely phoning it in. I like that James there's, like, okay, on the subject of James Franco phoning it in, I like that he's managed to be, to put himself in a position where he could phone it in in front of more and more expensive special effects. Like, yeah. He kind of came from the world of dramatic movies where his phoning it in is like, oh, he's just being thoughtful or something.

Yeah, he made like four million a weekend or something and now it's big and it's also the contrast of him phoning it in versus andy circus who like lived with the apes for a month or whatever and is like so committed yeah so this baby orphan this baby orphan is orphaned sure it is the most beautiful creature you've ever seen in your entire life as As Kumail said, human eyes, deep soulful eyes. I think that they may have spent the entire animation budget in this movie on the eyes. Oh my god. Like when the monkeys are moving around, they look kind of weird and hokey. But like when they get in close

to the face, you're like, ah! Don't die! Don't die! It's amazing how much empathy you feel for these monsters. Because they do turn murderous at a certain point. Okay, so the movie is one hour of basically horrible thing after horrible thing happening to this essentially child. It's so hard to watch. I just kept going.

Every scene I was like, please just rise, just rise. People heard me whispering that under my breath. I just wanted him to fucking rise already. And after an hour, it just keeps getting worse and worse. Unrelenting. I'm being the auntie. There's no, there's no like. So this is like Precious, but with a monkey.

There's one. Like at some point someone throws a TV at his head and it's revealed that he has AIDS. There's basically only one moment of like happiness and redemption in the relationship between the chimpanzee and the dad, played by James Franco. And that is... Who... James Franco adopts the chimpanzee after it is orphaned. He's the scientist who developed the serum that this monkey is now made it super smart and gave him the human eyes and so there's one moment and that moment is is especially if you're from san francisco just the most absurd moment i mean

anytime you're from a place other than los angeles and you see it represented in movies you think it's hilarious because they are always like in bullet, like every, every one of those chase scenes and bullet, they do like tear around the corner and then they just go from like Oakland to daily city, like just whole different parts of the Bay area. But this was just a really sweet one.

And one that I think is ridiculous, probably on a national level too, which is there's this part where the monkey is getting bigger and he needs some outdoor time. And the scientist is told by a zookeeper veterinarian, his love interest, that he probably needs some outdoor time. And James Franco gets that. I'm beautiful and you can't tell whether I'm dumb or not. And I'm thinking right now, look in his eyes. And he goes, I know a place.

And then he takes them to Muir Woods, like the second most famous tourist attraction in the Bay Area. I don't even know where that is. It's north of San Francisco. It's like the thing that people like people go to Fisherman's Wharf the cable car and then they go across the golden gate bridge to muir woods like it's as though they were in phoenix and he said hmm let's take him to alice cooper's restaurant he goes hmm i know a place and then he's swinging around in the grand canyon oh it's funny like that's his super secret i thought you were to have something like super minor that made you really mad. Like, and then someone pays $1.50 for a BART transfer.

What is this, the late 90s? And then Spock sees a punk rock guy on the bus. The punk rock guy flips him off, so he gives him the Vulcan F-Grip. Definitely the nadir of the entire Star Trek franchise did I tell you about the interview I read with that actor no okay there's a great book it's called um destroy all movies this is like a history of punks in yeah this is like from from 1977 to uh I think 1999 they these guys went through every single VHS tape at some sort of Austin VHS tape depository and

cataloged every time a punk rocker is in a movie whether it's in a crowd scene or in a main role and there's a lot of like interviews with the people who played these famous punks and they interviewed the guy who played the punk rocker.

The punk rocker on the bus in Star Trek IV, The Voyage Home. Yeah. The best Star Trek film. And I guess the song. The best Star Trek related property. Sure. And I guess the song he's listening to on the boom box. I guess when they were shooting the movie, they wanted to put in something like it was

it was something like they wanted to put on something like, it was something like they wanted to put on something like Depeche Mode, like something that wasn't punk rock. Twisted Sister. Yeah, like they didn't know what punk rock was, so they picked a song. It's like, yeah, so it's just like, this is it, right?

And he thought it was so wrong, he was so offended that he wrote his own song, and that's the song playing on the boombox. And I guess there's like one, you know, vinyl European import of the soundtrack where you can still hear this song. But I guess as far as there being a recording of it, it's like lost to the ages. Well, in the monkey movie.

Yes. First of all, they're not monkeys. They're apes. No, sure. No tails, right? Is that the difference? Yeah, that's the difference. I don't know, First of all, they're not monkeys. They're apes. No, sure. No tails, right? Is that the difference? Yeah, that's the difference. I don't know, but they make a big point of it in that and the original Planet of the Apes.

So these apes are, this ape in particular gets no happiness, essentially, through the first 70 minutes of the film. And then the redemption of this film is when the ape turns against its father that has only loved it and he's been forced to by society don't get me wrong but like the key turning point is this moment when the dad comes to reconcile with the with the ape with the chimpanzee that's now like adolescent or a young adult or something and And the chimpanzee turns away from him. That is like, that's the great like achievement of this chimpanzee. And then they rise. I don't think it's supposed to be an achievement.

I think it is supposed to be tragic. I think it's him embracing his animal nature, realizing he's not human. And then, you know, his rise. I think it's supposed to be tragic. You sort of cheer for it, but at the same time, you're like, wow, these apes are not going to kill humans. That's what's so horrible about it is that they set, I mean, you're absolutely correct, Kumail. I wouldn't mean to suggest otherwise, but you really could not set it up worse for me. Here I am.

I'm feeling, I'm feeling bad enough. You found this orphan baby in the jungle. I left my, I'm leaving my wife at home to go have lunch with my friend and go to the movies while she's been, you know, sleeping three hours a night. And I'm the asshole that's like, oh, sweetie, I'm going to go see Rise of the Planet of the Apes at the Vista. I'm the asshole that's like, oh, sweetie, I'm going to go see Rise of the Planet of the Apes at the Vista. And you basically, basically, like, you could not pick themes more upsetting to me. Oh, of course not. Oh, yeah. It would be impossible to pick more upsetting themes because the dad is just trying to do his best. But the world has conspired against him.

So there's no way that he can raise a good child and his child has to turn against him violently is there a scene where james franco is trying to teach the ape how to do a podcast and then the ape signs to him podcasts are gay podcast gay yeah i had to i have a sick cat at home and even i mean that is nothing like having a baby i understand that but for me watching this ape suffer so much like i could just think of bagel at home you know like it was too much i could not i could not have like when you go see a big hollywood blockbuster movie you don't expect to feel so much you don't expect to feel anything yeah and i just felt so much from the

first scene i was like oh this is a. And it just kept going and going. I really liked the movie. I actually did. But I don't think I could ever watch it again. You know, I sympathize a little bit. Since becoming a cat owner, any kind of – and I'm a guy who, like, prides myself in being able to take a joke. Like, I try not to get offended easily. I mean, I like jokes so much.

Your cat sucks. Yeah. Okay. Anytime there's a cruelty to cats joke in anything, I feel like I have to leave the room. Yeah. I was watching Family Guy, and there was something in Family Guy. And that couldn't be a more emotionally vacant show. It even seems to be like the thing of it is nothing matters. Bunch of sociopaths. Like, even seems to be, like, the thing of it is, like, nothing matters.

Bunch of sociopaths. Yeah, yeah. And then, like, someone heard a cat, and I was, like, mad and had to turn it off. And, like, there's this guy at my office, this new guy at my office, who's... I hear this a lot from, like,

self-professed dog people, and I'm sure it goes both ways. Like, people who put their identity into being, like, I'm a dog person or I'm a cat person, but he like is vocal about hating cats and will make all these jokes. You don't have to pick. You don't have to. Yeah, both are great pets. Both are, yeah, both are people.

Sure. And this guy makes all these like killing cats jokes, and I feel like I want to fucking tell him off. That's weird, yeah. And I know I shouldn't. He's just a dumb guy who doesn't know how to make a joke correctly and just says a mean thing instead of a joke. But I just like, I find myself wanting to like fucking tear him a new one.

Now all of entertainment is ruined to me. You understand that, right? I am looking at my future and all I can see is disapproval of things. Do you think if you watched Toy Story 3 today, you would shoot yourself at the end? I could barely keep from shooting myself at the end of Toy Story 3 as it was. Yeah. That movie, I don't think I would let my kid watch that movie until he's at least, he or she is 20 years old. Because that one scene where they're

in the fire yeah that is very rough it's super rough oh my god yeah you gotta see you gotta start them on something easy like babe pig in the city isn't that doesn't that have a lot of darkness somebody tweeted at me that they were really angry they watched Babe Big in the City because it was too sad. Yeah. Yeah. Animal Farm. Oh. Just show the kid Fast Five. He'll be fine. Fast Five is great. I would love for my kid to watch Fast Five.

He'll learn about the importance of getting totally shredded. Camille, if you want to see Fast Five with an audience composed almost exclusively of under 13s, just head out to the Highland Theater right here in Highland Park, California, because that's where I saw Fast Five, and it was full of preteens. Just so many preteens. That's what they should be watching. I think Rise of the Planet of the Apes is too taxing for them.

I kind of wonder whether if I went to see Fast Five again, whether in that one scene about 40% of the way in where they're in that weird safe house drinking beers and talking about their dads. Sure, talking about their absentee fathers. I would start crying. Yeah. I'd just start crying. Boom. I've noticed since I've had got bagel, my cats, three years ago, any movie or anything where there's any sort of animal any sort of

hardship animal hardship i cannot handle it anymore you have to learn it's funny when you do something like this i mean i get the emails from the sound of young america and jordan jesse go and shit because i'm the one with the public email address you have to remember that just everyone has things like that and it's going to happen. Like I, we, I, we,

I had on the sound of young America, a sketch, um, from the second city. We did recorded a show in Chicago at the second city and the second city, uh, one of the second city companies did this great, great,

so funny Adam McKay sketch. Uh, that was a second city sketch where it's these it's these this these this HR guy calls in a kind of boss type sort of a Will Farrelly type and tells him they just got back the results

of his of his sort of his psychological profiling exam and he's retarded and he says don't. And, and he says, don't you mean go get her? And I got, you know,

I got emails from people, you know, my whatever developmentally disabled brother or sister or whatever. And this sketch is a thousand percent, not at the expense of the developmentally disabled. And if it was, I wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't have played it on the Sound of Young America.

That's a shitty thing to make a joke about. It's absolutely at the expense of dumb business guys. It's at the expense of the sort of vacuousness of businessmen. And, yeah, but I don't blame people who react emotionally to it. People have certain words. Like when Jordan was on my podcast, The Indoor Kids, we made fun of this game called StarCraft 2. We didn't even really make fun to it. People have certain words. Like when Jordan was on my podcast, The Indoor Kids, we made fun of this game called StarCraft 2.

We didn't even really make fun of it. We were making fun of StarCraft as spectator sport, which I guess it is these days. Yeah, we were saying who could watch this. It's just resource management. Don't you just drive a little craft around the screen? Be very careful. it's not a bite your piece of queues because destroy i got it was not even a graphically oriented game right

a firestorm of emails so much people were so offended by this they were like how dare you you didn't give this a shot and i was like we made no claims that we understood it part of the point was we don't get this game we don't know why people would want to watch this game yeah i think we were pretty clear about we're outsiders and it seems weird to us but yeah and i thought we we like sat down with starcraft and then like made it a conscious choice to shun it right you know what i think these people were? A bunch of cat killers. Or at least cat mockers. Yeah.

You know what? I feel like we're okay. I feel like we, Jesse and I pissed off Penny Arcade, and we're still here to live to tell the tale. You know, fucking bring it on, StarCraft guys. It's boring. I said that. I said that on the podcast. And, you know, while we were talking, We said, yeah, bring it on, trolls

Whatever you have Yeah, we were doing some troll taunting I thought people would at least be like Well, you wanted it, so here it is Have some humor about it But these people There was no sense of humor Pages and pages

Pages and pages Fuck StarCraft 2 A bold proclamation Not the first one that's a classic yeah absolutely i would watch two guys play that in a stadium for hours now did you grow up playing pong craft instead i did i actually played a lot for some reason on the network in the computer lab at my middle school was this game that was not un-Starcraft-like called Bolo, where you drove little tanks around

and built bases. I bet people will say that Bolo is very different from Starcraft. Well, it's not in space, for one thing. There's that. I think Starcraft is in space. I think so. And I'm sure there's some craftiness involved.

That's as far as I understand this game. See, Jordan, just think how you would have felt if you had been listening to a video game podcast and someone had said something really mean about worms. Sure, yeah. The video game that you spent upwards of 50 hours a week playing for roughly two years when we were in college. And I think even I think even I played Worms 2

I even think I played the demo for half that. I think I didn't even buy the actual game. Worms is the best. That's the difference though. Worms is awesome. Have you played

any of the 3D ones? This is just a game where you shoot this is like a game it's like a version of that tank game where you fire tank shells from one side of the screen to the other. Yeah, and you have different weapons. Blow up the land.

It's four people, four worms, a team, and you can have up to four teams. The 3D version is pretty good, but you can see, oh, they had a really simple, great game, and then they tried to make it more complicated. So it's not better than the original, but it's totally pretty decent. Do they still have cute little voices? Yeah, of course. Can you still personalize the cute little voices? Yeah, it's not better than the original but it's totally pretty decent they still have cute little voices yeah can you still personalize the cute little yeah it's the same thing that i wanted it's the same game except the camera moved to like behind the head of some of them you know no i'm gonna invite like a baseball guy on the show and then all we're gonna talk about is terry steinbach it's a guy who used to play catcher for the A's. Sounds cool. Did they make a 3D version of him recently?

We'll be back in just a second. Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kamel Nanjiani. Liu Kang. I think you're the first guy whose nickname has been another guy's name.

Liu Kang. Yeah. I'm changing. I think it's great. I'm changing my nickname. Jesse Thorne, Dave Hendu Henderson. Great. He used to play center for the A's.

You're a big baseball guy. I was. I'm semi-retired. It's fun, though, to go. I like how, because I joke occasionally about loving baseball, I get to go on these baseball podcasts now. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, this guy invited me over.

This guy came over here and we recorded his baseball podcast here in my studio. It was great. It was so fun. I went on Jonah Carey's baseball podcast. That's like a famous baseball nerd. He was great. I got to give a food pick. A baseball-related food would how does that work or they just have a food part of the podcast i don't know if you've ever seen the t-shirt jordan but baseball is life the rest is just details i thought that was swimming i thought swimming was life volleyball fishing i thought volleyball hey guys

i think we can all agree on this. I was trying to think of fucking, what's the big dog slogan? Lead, follow, or get out of the way? Anyway, big dogs. If you're not a big dog. Oh, lead, follow, or get off the porch. Speak the fucking language or get the fuck out. That's the one you're thinking of.

Yes, I'm thinking of America for Americans. Yeah, yeah. If you know of a podcast that specializes in cricket trivia from 1982 to 1997, let me know because... Because you're a Pakistani-American and Pakistan is the nation of cricket. Oh. Pakistan is the world's premier cricket country. We're one of the best. But it's really...

Right? Oh, yeah. Like, there's no more... There's no nation... Not even England can claim to be more passionate about cricket than Pakistan, right? Pakistan and India are the two most. Yeah. Is there like a rivalry there?

What do you think? We do have nuclear weapons pointed at each other. So, yeah, I would call it a rivalry. And it comes out in cricket. Yeah, we shoot, well, also bullets and and terrorist attacks but cricket as well okay yeah attempts at each other's heads of state's lives and then you know on the cricket field yeah like who can have the flattest bat or what have you do you oh so are you really uh are you a genuine cricket fan yeah i mean i don't follow it as much anymore, but I mean, you know, we had a saying in

Pakistan, it was, cricket is life, the rest is just details. If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes. Yeah. You're not the guy behind the bowler, I don't know. How old were you when you moved to the United States? 18.

18? Yeah. Wow. Yes. You speak English like someone who spoke English exclusively from the age of four or five, not like someone who learned English in a country where a lot of people speak English. No, I started taking English classes when I was like five or six. I remember when I started learning English, I remember the first day at school like getting really upset because they were teaching us the word tiger. And I was like, why

do I need a whole other way to say tiger? I can already say this. That's very reasonable. Yeah. That is very reasonable. But I'm very glad that I stuck to it. This podcast would be really awkward. If I were to say something like that, what would you say? You said, is that something

about tigers? I presume it was something about tigers. The Pakistani language is exclusively tiger-based, correct? Yeah, we learned from our tiger fathers. Sure. Okay, so what I wanted to ask

you about, because you alluded to it very briefly while we were in break and then instantly announced that you wanted to save it for the air because it was just that juicy. Oh, no. I mean, it wasn't that juicy. Your last weekend with Miss Zooey Deschanel. Oh, God. So juicy. No, it wasn't that juicy.

I don't know what it was we were talking about but i used to do uh uh tech support at schools wait hold on that's racist i'm being racy i'm a total stereotype well this is what breaks down i was terrible at it i was really bad at it do you think it's possible that you got the job because of reverse racism maybe i was fine taking it but but i hey boss a pakistani guy oh yeah he's making the head of tech support uh i was really really bad at it and i survived just because i wasn't an asshole right and i was there for five years but i would get like this one kid came up to me and was like i want to send this file as an attachment and uh i was like well just send it he's like yeah but i also want to keep a

copy of it i don't want to just send it off so that's always because you were talking about recording how you don't have to record the intro over and over because i was surprised you guys didn't do the jordan jesse go intro and then you told me oh you you could just record it once frankly i'm just frankly i'm just touched that you've listened to the program yeah of course i mean the first five minutes or so and you had to turn that shit off but i was gonna say i always on podcasts i'm a little when i when there's a podcast i like where i enjoy the theme music uh i'm always disappointed if you're on it and they don't play the theme music uh they play corolla's theme music. I'm always disappointed if you're on it and they don't play the theme music.

They play Carolla's theme music before. Yeah, they do. They play his signature Mighty Mighty Boss Toad theme music. And also the guy that does his kind of absurd voiceover voice commercials is also the engineer and talks to you in a non-voiceover context and it's very disorienting. Sure. The guy who talks like this. Does he talk like that all the time? is also the engineer and talks to you in a non-voiceover context, and it's very disorienting. Sure.

The guy who talks like this. Does he talk like that all the time? This guy says, hey, guys, it's good to see you. He was a really nice guy. Can I get you some water? Is everyone's headphones volume okay? Hey, guys. Hey, I'm so happy when we get radio guys in here because I don't have to adjust the mics.

That's what he said. It was so confusing. It was so confusing. I can't even begin to tell you. And every time he said Sunday, he had to say it three times. Yeah. Very strange. That's something you learn, of course.

I'm going to Sunday, Sunday, Sunday school. To learn more about Jesus. The life of Jesus. Jesus, Jesus. Jordan, what's going on with you? I feel like we've just been talking about all my dad's stuff this whole time. Well, here's my new development. I have started exercising.

Oh, you look good. Thank you. You look tremendous, Jordan. Thank you. I feel great. Good color in the face, you know? Yep. Powerful forearms.

Sure. Taller. Yeah, you got taller. I've been working out using my Xbox Kinect. Your dick is really glistening. Thank you. It's excreting something now that I'm exercising. I don't know what it is.

It's making it glisten, though. One of the many benefits of exercise. Not going to see a doctor. Is it pee? Not pee. Something... No, it comes out of the pore. The head of the dick now just shoots rays.

Okay. All right. All right. What's making it glisten is kind of an excretion. I don't know if you've noticed that a lot of Jordan's girlfriends have been rainbows lately. That's a good slogan for Kinect. It'll make your dick shoot rays. I know, right?

Yeah. And this, okay, so the Kinect is maybe kind of the Xbox's answer to the Wii. It's this camera that you set up that senses your emotions and you don't have to use a controller or anything like that. Right. So it's, you know, it's attached to your TV and it's looking at your emotions and it can sense them. So I've started doing this exercise program brought on largely by the fact that I went to this audition for a, for like a prank show. Oh, I thought you were going to be like for a mountain climber. And I was like, oh, that's why he has to get in shape.

Oh, right. No, no. I went to this audition to be on a prank show. And they sent you in there with another guy who was auditioning. And then they just had you like slam each other in this kind of weird way. Like slam each other like your mother's. Yeah, yeah. They wanted you to like insult the other person.

And the guy made exclusively fat jokes about me. Like, hey, are you Jonah Hill's body double? And I know that it was just that guy kind of being a jerk and not knowing what else to do. But I got so self-conscious after that. So I had gotten a connect through my work. Were you making fun of him for just making fat jokes? I know, I'm like, what do you have?

I think he had like hipster clothes on. Oh, okay. I was like, where's your Etsy account? Fatso. So I got this, so I had loaned, I had gotten this connect, but I had given it to a friend, so I had to kind of give that awkward call, like, I know you've had this for a month, but I

need it back now. and i've been using this exercise thing called your shape fitness evolved yes i've seen that um and what it does is you have it's called health diff health disc 2009 sure workout additions and uh so you have this like kind of virtual personal trainer and she's very cute. She has a little haircut and like converse. I think it. Like most personal trainers. Yes.

What happened is I put my dick in the Kinect and it read, it sensed what my type was. Yeah. Yeah. It did not have Christina Hendricks from Mad Men. So this was the next, this was the next default. But doesn't it like look at your body and does it do an assessment at first? Well, yes. next this was the sure but doesn't it like look at your body and does it do an assessment at first well yes here's the thing about it is that while your trainer while your cute trainer is working out it also you're working out next to her but it's like an infrared predator vision version of you uh you know how the predators red and yellow and i don't know if this is intended, but to me it seems like it is making to glow my problem areas.

So my pectoral region, my stomach all glow a different color than the rest of me. Is that right? It is. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, it's been really fun. And I totally – I only made it 30 minutes without pulling off my pants to see my infrared dick. But I did that. It looked pretty cool.

Does it? Yeah, it does look cool. But your torso and your stomach look a different color. So if like the Predator saw you, he would just think it was like a torso and a stomach going by? Yeah, he would cut off my stomach to use it as a trophy. Okay, all right. To get it to see your dick. Let's get back to this. Sure. To get it to see your dick yeah let's get back to this

sure to get it to see your dick do you have to go in profile or does it have sufficient 3d technology yeah no the depth was there you i could tell my my dick had was defined in the predator blob wow did it also were the veins a different color? I regret it. You know how you regret thinking of something and then you still ask it? But then you say it anyway. Oh, God. Just because I want it to be in all your heads, too. The image I'm seeing in my head.

Sure, of this veiny, glowing dick. I get it. Yeah, no, no. It's not that detailed. And your personal trainer, very supportive and very Canadian. And it's like, we're a boat done. Canadian? Yeah, this game was made in Montreal.

Oh, okay. Yeah, but yes, very supportive. I wish when you're playing just another game, when you're playing Gears of War or something, there was a pleasant female voice going, great job. You're doing great. Keep it up.

What kind of thing do you do? It's just kind of like an aerobic workout. So you do like jumping jacks? Yeah, a lot of like lunging, a lot of lunging punches. How do you, does it give you a grade? Yeah, you got your, it is kind of like, kind of the game element of it is, it's kind of like a rhythm game, kind of like a DDR or something it is it's kind of like a rhythm game, kind of like a DDR

or something, in that you have to be... It senses how deep your lunges are, and you get a little ding if you've lunged deep enough, and also if you're in rhythm with your trainer. So, yeah, you do get a percentage at the end. How did you do? Are you getting better? Doing okay, yeah. I'm feeling good

about it. And at the end, there's these kind of little games you can play as a cool down that are just kind of fun, just like block punching and stuff that are still active. Are there any of these games where you do something besides work out? Oh, so it's actually you're fighting aliens, but it's really a work out game? Is that what you mean? Yeah, I would think that that would be the whole positive aspect of having this this thing is you could do something where you're doing something that's actually fun yeah not just working out it's sort of like i i you know it's sort of it's sort of one of those not understanding the possibilities of technology that is an interesting point because the whole point of

using that is so you don't have to go to the gym and feel like you're working out but here you're clearly working out if you invented the telephone and you just picked it up and said, short, long, long, short, short, short, long. Mail a letter to this address. Exactly. Yeah. No, you know, it's funny. It's like, yes, I do wish it was more game-like. But what's the justification in the game world to get you to lunge?

No, but it could be aliens are attacking, and the only way to defeat them is to do some cardio. Yeah. You just run and swat them. Yeah, you swat them. Swatting is an important thing in a robot. Well, at least in Jazzercise. I don't know if you've ever done, or Zumba.

Sure. It's very popular in Zumba. Oh, you know, there was a Zumba option of games. There's a Zumba workout game. Really? Anyways, it comes with something called the Zumba belt, and that's when I didn't want it. Oh, Zumba belt of games. There's a Zumba workout game. Really? Anyways, it comes with something called the Zumba belt and that's when I didn't want it. Oh, Zumba belt. Yeah. Well, you don't like wearing

belts. They chafe your chastity belt. You're right. I'm already wearing a belt that my witch mother put on me. I would enjoy an activity based exercise game where I get to do something that I think is neat. Right? Like, shouldn't that be what you get to do? Something that you think is neat?

Yeah. I already hate dancing. Yeah, I would like it if it had a story mode set in the world of DuckTales. Like, not you following around Scrooge McDuck, but you were, like, in that world. Oh, so you're not Scrooge McDuck. No, like, I don't want it to be part of the continuity because that would fuck up the duckiverse. You just live next to Scrooge McDuck. Yeah, like the Beagle Boys are referenced.

Okay, right, right, right. What would happen if you ran into Darkwing Duck? That could happen. Would that fuck up the continuity, though? No, those guys all exist in the same universe. Darkwing Duck? Yeah, there's crossover. Huh.

No, but I mean if you saw Darkwing Duck, what if you kicked his ass? Oh, yeah. Well, no, exactly. That's why I don't want to interact with the main cast. Right. I want to have them be referenced, and also I'm getting totally shredded. What about that duck pilot? Oh, Launchpad?

Launchpad McQuack. Yeah, maybe he could be the narrator or something. Yeah. So you would prefer if it was like a Batman game? You're just a guy working in Gothamack. Yeah, maybe he could be the narrator or something. Yeah. But you would, so you would prefer if it was like a Batman game. You're just a guy working in Gotham City. Yeah. You've got a temp job. Sure.

There's a guy there who hates cats and makes cat killing jokes. Oh, yeah, and you get to kick his ass. And every now and then outside the window, you see the Batman go by. Kumail, it sounds like you don't appreciate the magic of world building. I mean, that's what's so wonderful about these games and just about anything where you can really truly be a fan is you can immerse yourself in that world. I mean, that's why I've been going around with a pitch. I don't know if you saw Star Trek 1. I want to do kind of an interactive experience where you're just a chef in Star Trek world.

Yeah, that's fun. But, you know, I'm already unimportant in this world. Think of how fun it would be, Kumail. You go up to your TV and you go like,

cup of coffee. And it goes... You can make anything. That's your job. Yeah, that's your job. You're the guy who repeats whatever they want. Yeah, exactly.

You're saying you don't want to be an insignificant pawn in an interesting world. Yeah, I'm an insignificant pawn in an uninteresting world. If I go to an interesting world, I want to be Captain Kirk or Batman or Scrooge McDuck. Not Komel Nanjiani, neighbor of Scrooge McDuck. Number one, you live in a very interesting world, the world of Franklin and Bash. Yes, that is correct.

See? Crime-fight fighting attorneys. Wait. Oh, maybe this is... Oh, I was... Okay, so you've got this kind of... These hour-long TNT dramedies. Like, does your show take place in the same world as Rizzoli and Isles?

Like, is there that kind of... Could you cross over potentially? Oh, I hope so. What would happen if you met one of the characters from Men of a Certain Age? I think we would be very sad. And then they would get canceled before their time. Your tone would get all confused. This was another thing, by the way, when Men of a Certain Age got canceled and Franklin Bash got picked up.

Everybody was like, how the fuck? Why is Franklin Bash picked up and this show is canceled? Well, because Men of a Certain Age was an exceptionally good program, and Franklin of Bash is something that you don't change the channel. Exceptionally good program. Uh-huh. Well, because it's got Kumail Nanjiani in it. How bad could it be?

Yeah, and I'm not playing an insignificant guy. You know, you're... I'm with Franklin of Bash. Yeah, sure. You're a chef. You're the back of the plot line. Yeah, I'm not just a delivery guy. You're the kind of character. Yeah, sure. You're a chef. You're the back of the plot line. Yeah, I'm not just a delivery guy. You're the kind of character you want to be.

You're the chef or the... No, I don't want to be the chef. The clerk. This is what... No, I don't want to be the... No. You're a clerk. I'm a lawyer.

You're a clerk in Gotham City, right? No, that's not the point. Yeah, you're a law clerk. I'm basically... I'm like Huey. You're a transactional lawyer of some kind. Right? Well, you're saying you're in. You're a transactional lawyer of some kind. Right? Well, you're saying you're in the...

Like a real estate lawyer? Okay, to the world of Franklin and Bash, you are like Huey, too. Yeah, to Scrooge McDuck would be in DuckTales. I'm not Scrooge McDuck. But, you know, I'm in the mix. Sure. I've got hopes and dreams that matter. That orangutan from the Jungle Book was in DuckTales, wasn't he?

You're thinking of Tailspin if we're going through the Disney afternoon. But that's the same universe, Duckiverse. Well, I think Tailspin happened in the 40s, right? Wasn't there like World War II shit going on in Tailspin? Wasn't there a new Tailspin? There's a more recent Tailspin than that. Well, I know that. Oh, no, no.

I'm saying the Tailspin that was on when we were kids was set, like, against a Cold War backdrop. Was it really? Yes. I think they had... Right? I know that our friend

Ian Brill writes a Darkwing Duck comic book that expands the Duckiverse. I know this because he, in tribute to Jordan Jesse Goh,

named some characters Chip Dipson and Dip Dobson. Mm-hmm. Kumail, by the way, I know that you're an accomplished comedian as well as actor, and I think you've probably got a bright future ahead of you as a creator and writer.

We would ask that if you do create or write a television program or a book or anything like that, that you include some characters named Chip Dipson and Dip Dobson. But that's already taken, right? People will think I stole from the Duckiverse, from the expanded Duckiverse. Dear Mr. Nanjiani. Oh, my God.

People would know. I ignored your callous comments about StarCraft, but I cannot let this slide. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kumail Nanjiani. Liu Kang.

Oh, man, fun sponsors this week on the program, Jordan. First of all, our friends at Fuelly.com. F-U-E-L-L-Y is how it's spelled. We should write a little song about it. F-U-E-L-L-Y. Find out your fuel mileage. Who knows why you would want to do that. I think we're snagging from my brother, my brother, and me.

They got a guitar. Yeah. And music talent. Oh, ours are acapella. Ours are acapella and atonal. They draw on our long history, our deep history as Gregorian monks. Oh, sure. You guys should do throat singing.

Anyway, the... Wow, Fuley. The Fuley.com is where you go to type in your mileage. It calculates your mileage on your car for you so you can compare it to other cars and compare your car to other cars of the same make. That sounds very useful. It's kind of fun, right? It turns getting good fuel mileage and being economical into a little goof around game.

Is it a game? Well, it's a competition. If you think surfing the internet it a game well it's a competition if you think surfing the internet is a game yeah it's it's i think it's a game the same way that checking in on foursquare is a game yeah it's like that version of it yeah exactly only it actually has benefits to you in your life sure which is you could get better gas well no no no the foursquare stuff makes you look like a dick so yeah like a mayor dick Yeah Also, I want to welcome Our first ever commercial sponsor

Here on the Jumbotron We've had many podcasts In the past This is our first professional wrestling podcast That we've ever done Of course, as you know I'm a huge professional wrestling fan I can't get enough of it

My favorite wrestlers are... George the Animal Steel. Sure, George Steel. John Ressler. John Ressler. Yeah, Grapple Johnson. Grapple Johnson. Todd Barry from the movie The Wrestler.

Anyway, this podcast has the most... Starman, the Amazon. Who else is for pro wrestling for the NES? Oh, man, I don't remember. This blog, excuse me, it's not a podcast. This blog... Pushups McGee is really good. Has the most specific premise of any blog ever

that's not just a Tumblr cash-in blog. The most specific actual premise, it's called The Year in Raw View R-A-W-V-I-E-W referring to raw wrestling, which is nude Greco-Roman style wrestling. No, isn't raw like WWE raw?

No, it's when they wrestle without a condom. Raw dogging. They grease themselves up and they take off their clothes they get boners and then they wrestle oh just they just see what happens it's not gay it's just seeing what happens just see what happens see what develops um it is okay so this is a blog chronicling the events of the world wrestling federation in the year 1997 wow it is specifically wrestling from the year 1997. It is specifically wrestling from the year I was a junior in high school.

This was like the second boom of wrestling, right? After the sort of Andre the Giant years, as I think of it. This is, I think, the rock in that era, right? Yeah, this is like the rock years of wrestling. Triple H. Doug Bicep. Rock years of wrestling. Triple H. They follow the epic storylines, commentary, and highlights in text, video, and animated GIF formats. Foreign or bad guy. Anyway, the guys who run this are both Max Funsters. These guys are The guys who run this

Are both Max Funsters They They claim That they Genuinely love this In the same way That I love R. Kelly Now I don't know

How their love Could match mine Since Anytime I'm upset I just know That I need to listen To Step in the Name of Love Is that why you

Blasted it on your cell phone When you were watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes Yes Absolutely Is that why you're not Welcome back to cell phone when you were watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes? Yes, absolutely. Is that why you're not welcome back to that theater? When these guys are upset, they probably just watch a video of Goldberg. That one, yeah.

Oh, he was the gay wrestler. He was gay? Yeah. Oh, no, no, not Goldberg. I'm thinking of who's the other guy who was gold. There is like a gay, yes, there is. He was Gold Dust. I'm thinking of Gold Dust.

Gold Dust was the gay wrestler, and he was a bad guy for being gay yeah it was bad that he was gay for the longest time all of our prejudices were projected onto wwf wrestlers i i once went to this estate sale in san francisco and it was this guy who was like a classic elderly gay he just his home was just full of like physique related magazines and just like so many things that were pertained to being a gay being gay in 1952 um and he had this t-shirt for the san francisco state university wrestling team he was also a wrestling coach And he had this t-shirt for the San Francisco State University wrestling team. He was also a wrestling coach. And he had this t-shirt for the San Francisco State University wrestling team that was, it was yellow, it was golden purple, the colors of San Francisco State University. And it had a Golden Gate Bridge and two dudes wrestling in it, you know, like Olympic style wrestling.

And I bought it and I would wear it all the time. And it was always this constant tension because, number one, you know, I'm straight. I don't need to tell the world that I'm gay. That's confusing. But on the other hand, despite the fact that this was clearly a gay shirt created specifically to, you know, be a booster of this wrestling team, but also indicate one's gayness. It was so cool. It was such a great shirt that I just had to wear it,

even though I might as well have just been wearing a shirt that says, I'm gay. But like a really cool one. I know. It was so cool, Kumail. It was such a cool shirt it was one of my one of my best t-shirts one of my best t-shirts is it gone now what if you see a really cool shirt but the equivalent the message on it is like anti-gay or something what if you see a really cool homophobic shirt but like like in it's adam and eve not adam and steve but great font it's

really thin well designed yeah like the way it hangs over your body is perfect like you look like a stud yeah well i mean i i do a lot of my t-shirt shopping in east in the former east germany and i have a lot of stasi related t-shirts and i know that they tortured and murdered and just made people's but the shirt it's got that nice stretch it's that 50 50 polycotton It's the perfect blend, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second. Wait, what was the podcast called?

We never found out what the name of it was. It's a blog. I misspoke when I said podcast. It's theyearinrawview.com. Theyearinrawview.com. And if you want to sponsor an upcoming episode of Jordan Jesse, go get up on our Jumbotron. You can just visit maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron. It is easy

and cheap. $100 for a personal message, still $200 for a commercial message. We might have to kick that up a notch sometime soon. Well, get in while you still can. While it's still cheap, because we're going to Netflix you. MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, go i am jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective kumail nanjiani lu kang do you see yourself as classic lu kang or zombie lu kang classic and then i had you know a

couple years where i was zombie lu kang sure and now i'm back after college yeah exactly that's what i mean when i'm in a universe i don't want to be the guy who's the clerk i want to be fucking lu kang in mortal kombat i'm like one of the king for a little bit i'm one of those guys on the side with just two with two frames of animation fist down fist up fist down that's what you guys want to be spectators exactly to watch the mortal you want to be like the fourth baraka you know when there's like he has a whole race of baraka sure i want to be yeah someone very low on the baraka chain of command also just, just so you know, I'm actually not even in Mortal Kombat. I'm actually in Pit Fighter. Oh my god, I love Pit Fighter.

Okay, let's go to the telephone call, shall we guys? No, no, let's talk about Pit Fighter. Who was your guy? Mine was Buzz. Oh god. Hi Jordan, hi Jesse, hi guest. My name's Joe and I'm from Windsor Heights, Iowa. I'm just calling because I've got a momentous occasion.

A few minutes ago, I graduated officer candidate school, and now I'm an officer in the United States Army. Thanks. Bye. Wow. Congratulations, Joe. Yeah. You should turn everybody in the Army onto the podcast. Yes, please do. So then we can have a whole army at our disposal.

Literally the army. Yeah. Everybody in the army. I had never really considered world domination to be an option for me. Right. It always just seemed like I couldn't be a racehorse. It felt unachievable. Yeah, but now I think...

These are both occupations for which you're simply too tall. Well, yes. And according to my audition partner, far too fat. Yeah. Yeah. I think we can probably gain control of the military. This guy's an officer. He's an officer.

They have to do what... He can like, listen up, maggots. Yeah. Listen to Jordan Jesse go. I'm going to skull fuck you. Yeah. Great. Do that.

Do that. And he said just a few minutes ago. So you were one of the first phone calls he made. That's what we like for momentous occasions. We want people to have that number in their cell phone. So when shit goes down, you know what I mean? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about?

All right. That's great. The important stuff. I think this is great. Jordan, I'm really excited about this. On the one hand, I'm worried about this guy as I am worried about all of our armed forces serving anywhere. It's a dangerous job

even here at home, but overseas certainly. But this prospect that you've brought up of world domination through the influence of our entertainment is very compelling to me.

I'm no longer worried about his life. I'm more worried about our prospects of dominating the world. As co-emperors yeah i think we you know what i think we should start with pakistan we got an in what yeah we got an in oh yeah i'll lead you guys and i'll be like hey these guys are cool just teach us a few cricket

buzzwords yeah can i be the vizier yeah absolutely all right absolutely just go in and say hey these guys will be your friend in four overs. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, in four overs or about a half hour. Hey, when we take our tea break in the mid-afternoon. On day three. Isn't there, wait, what about, isn't there a version of cricket called like 7-Up where it's like a lightning round version of cricket? That's new. That's very new.

Yeah. Very controversial, if I'm not mistaken. Yeah. I mean, you know, the original games would last five days, so now they're trying to make it hipper and younger and quicker. Is it actually called 7-Up? I forget

what it's called. No, it's called something sixes. I don't follow it anymore, that stuff. Well, let's go back to the momentous occasion. This is great. Sure. If you're out there, if you're serving in the military, if you're out there, if you're serving in the military, if you're former military, if you're just in the ROTC, you know what

you've got to do. You've got to convert people, bring them on board, and get ready for, you know, frankly, treasonous acts. Sure. I'm not going to soft-pedal this. Jesse, let's... We can make this a positive. Creating a new world order.

I'm not so hot, Jordan, on foreign wars. But I am hot on having somebody to go to the Pinkberry for me if I want those little mochis, those little pieces of mochi they put on a nice... And there would be no foreign wars if the U.S. took over every country and it was just one big country. And if the soldiers of all those nations combined were focused on mochis.

Yeah, oh my god, I'd never have to walk to Pink Ferry. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, I have a momentous occasion. I just got home. I think I may have been grifted for the first time. A neighborhood lady was walking on the street and... Number one, if you think you were grifted, you were definitely grifted.

That's just, we can kick it off right there. Maybe she did need money for a bus ticket or whatever. She needed money to get her handicapped son home 20 miles away after her car broke down. I gave her $100 and a Diet Coke, and she promised to give me the money the next day. It's been one of the most exciting nights I've had in a long time, and she promised to give me the money the next day. It's been one of the most exciting nights I've had in a long time, and I just can't wait to see if she's actually going to pay off tomorrow if it's all a big scam. Talk to you later.

Of course he's not going to pay! But I like that this guy's excited. I like that he thinks it's fun. I think that's cool. You know, he's like, hey, it seems like he's having fun with this. Maybe he's getting $100 worth of fun's he's having fun with maybe he's getting 100 bucks worth of fun out of this well two things one if it's a neighbor lady then it's somebody he presumably is gonna see again no he said neighborhood lady did he yeah he said neighborhood

lady that just means a lady that's in his neighborhood yeah that's not you're never seeing that diet coke again it'd be funny if it was just an envelope filled with wet, wet money because she had poured in an entire Diet Coke. Oh, geez. If they're asking you for money, they're grifters. That's how it works. Anybody that's going to give you the money back tomorrow, it's just they're grifters. I had a guy, I had a... A gay gentleman like yourself.

A gay gentleman. I had a potential grifter come up to me the other day, and he gave me that, like, car broke, need a bus ticket, gas to get back thing that people say to you. Pretty standard. Yeah. And he also mentioned his pregnant wife, and he pointed, you know, 50 feet back, there was a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. Oh, my God.

So he'd scored. He was like, alright. I'm guessing maybe she would have come over and participated in the grift. It was actually his wife, but I like the idea that he was just gesturing toward. He just saw pregnant lady. The sun

is smiling on me tonight. Well, at least we're going to control the world. You know what we're going to get rid of when we control the world? Grifters. Yeah, right. Grifting. Death penalty for all grifters.

Yeah. Immediate, swift. Death by mochi. Yeah. Mochi them to death. Yeah, like a stoning. Yeah, it would take days. It would take longer

because they're sort of rubbery. Yeah, it would take forever. And I was going to say they'll die of starvation more than anything, but not really. They're eating mochi. Yeah, they can't have

as much mochi as they want. I imagine we're firing these out of a cannon or something. Yeah. All right. And then, you know, kids are also tossing them. I think it's good that we're doing this, Jordan, because I've been fucking looking for something to do with my mochi cannon. I bought it on a whim. It was a point of sale thing.

It was right there. It was on sale. It was right by the front at Target. I was waiting in line. It was a good deal. What are you going to do? I got an Us magazine and an Emoji can and I've fucking not found anything to

do with this, so thank God, Jordan. That's what I have to say. Thank God. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Joe. I have been listening for a while. First time calling. I have a momentous occasion. One hour and 37

minutes ago, I successfully asked out a girl for the first time. All right. Thanks. Bye. See? That's a fucking delight. That's delightful. That's wonderful.

We like to hear. Successful. That's like one of the best momentous occasions we've ever had. That's like one of the... We've never had that before. Yeah, that's true. He sounded very sad, though. He didn't sound...

No, he was confident. He was conserving his energy for the fuckfest that's going to happen. This guy is about to go on a fuckfest, Kumail. Oh, the impending fuckfest. That first dates usually are. Kumail, if you're... You're doing it right. If you're going to run a marathon, you've got to carbo-load.

Exactly. You're going to have a fuckfest. You've got to conserve-load. Exactly. You're going to have a fuck-fest. You've got to conserve your energy when you call into the momentous occasion. He's got Gatorade. He's munching on mochi. If you've got a momentous occasion, a moment of shame. Mochi is just Japanese fuck fuel. If you're a teenager who needs some straight talk, 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number.

206-984-4FUN. Put telephone number 206-984-4FUN put in your cell phone so when something happens you've got it handy we'll talk to you in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go Jordan Jesse Go I am Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart Kumail Nanjiani

Liu Kang Kumail of course the host of the smash hit podcast with our friends over there at the Nerdist

Network our old pal Chris Hardwick you know what we taught Chris Hardwick everything he fucking knows about podcasting

yeah right he started last year you guys have been doing it five years we have we have more podcasting experience than anybody out there. Why are you angry?

I don't know. What do you think should be happening that's not? People should be thanking us more? I feel like we should get a cut. Oh, yeah. Like everybody who does a Gabby podcast has us. Yeah, I don't want... We're the forefathers.

Look, number one, we're not the first. You got your Keith and the girl, I guess, or something. Probably. You got your Adam Curry show. Yep. But we were the first. Good one. I bet Keith and the Girl. I've never listened to Keith and the Girl. It's probably really good.

I just think, I'm not looking for a lot. Okay. You know, but we all know there's a lot of money in podcasting. Yeah. You guys are literally sitting on mountains of dollars right now. They don't see it because it's a radio thing. I had to ruin these $100 bills to make them into a chair. Most of them are full of...

I ruined them with epoxy. They're covered in... What's that baby thing? Muconium. Yeah, they're covered in, what's that baby thing? Muconium. Yeah, they're covered in muconium right now. It actually makes a surprisingly good epoxy. It does. You know, yeah, I think here's just what I would want.

Because, yes, all of you podcasters out there, including you, Kamal, owe everything to us. So I want to take on a role like Lead Belly or like Robert Johnson in what they are to rock and roll, I want us to be to podcasting. Scratchy. Super scratchy. Very scratchy. I want people to like insist

that we were the best and the first and like in all interviews. Anytime they're interviewed or anytime they're discussing podcasts, just like to speak about us with that same reverence. I'll do it. I'll start every episode with Jordan, Jesse, go. Welcome to the indoor kids.

What's my favorite podcast? This is the indoor kids. I think that's pretty good. You know what I want? I want points. I want 0.5% of dollar one through dollar every dollar. And you know what? Because I'm a good guy, 0.2% goes to our friends Jimmy and Matt over at Never Not Funny.

Fine. That's what I'm offering. I'll give you guys 50% of everything I've made so far on my podcast. Done. Is that pretty good? We'll take it. Great. We'll take it.

Done. Absolutely. Now we owe you $100. Done. Is that pretty good? We'll take it. Great. We'll take it. Done.

Absolutely. Now we owe you $100. Kumail, you actually have, normally we'd just be saying, you know, oh, Kumail's got these important dates coming up. He's got this podcast. You can see him on the Franklin and Bash television program. But you actually have an actually important thing to reach out to our 20,000 or however many, 10, 50,000, 100,000 listeners. Yeah. Okay. thing to that to reach out to our 20 000 or however many 10 50 000 100 000 listeners yeah

okay i live in los angeles and i just moved to this house in silver lake and the woman who used to live there had to leave very quickly and she left her two cats there and her two cats who are adorable very friendly very you know they'll sit on your lap and you can pet them and everything adorable they're just hanging out outside the place trying to get back in so every time i go in they're like just sit there it's very sad we've been feeding them but they really need a home so if you guys are looking you know if anybody out there wants to adopt a cat uh they're they're adorable they're very very friendly and you know we have all the paperwork so they're vaccinated and everything these are not street cats these were house cats that a few weeks ago

maybe three weeks ago were abandoned and uh you know when i saw the place in that intervening three weeks one of them has lost a lot of weight. It's just really sad, but they're wonderful cats and they're very healthy. So if you guys are not awful cat murdering people. Sure. Don't make any cruel jokes about them. No. They're very, very, very sweet cats. Which we have people do.

You can email me and I'll forward it over to Kumail. Yeah. That's the easiest way to do it. My email is jesse at maximumfun.org. If you're in Southern California and want to meet these cats, you might be a good forever home for these kitties? Yeah. Is that the easiest way to do it? My email is jesse at maximumfun.org. If you're in Southern California, want to meet these cats, you might be a good forever home for these kitties. Yeah. Just drop me an email, and I'm on the email all the time.

What else am I doing? I got an eight-day-old child. Nine. Nine-day-old child. Can I ask you something? I was thinking of this. Yeah. So you have an adorable baby.

I just met your baby. Very cute. Beautiful child. Very small. He's very beautiful is it weird to you that this wonderful beautiful little creature simon lee everett thorn is producing muconium which he's not anymore it's only the first two days but that it's frankly pretty disgusting stuff right is it weird for you to see because this is why i bring it up my cat bagel who's adorable and the cutest thing and just the light of my life i love my cat she's gorgeous two

days ago i saw the worst thing i've ever seen i saw this is really gross emily was holding her and she was like oh my god look at her butt and i looked at her butt and there was something sticking out like a white thing and i was like oh she ate something weird then i saw it move it was a worm sticking out of his ass worms well so we're taking her to the vet tomorrow obviously she's got something yeah but uh just the idea that something's so beautiful has something so and And I've already... She's adorable. She's got a very prominent butthole. Most cats do.

Sure. So... This is so fucking gross. This is not the way to get people to adopt cats. Yeah. Anyway, her prominent butthole has a worm sticking out of it. Is it still... Is it just always there?

No, it's... I'm a good dad. You pushed it back in with a pencil. I of it is it still is it just always there no it's i i i'm a good dad this is how i pushed it back in with a pencil i pushed it back in i sent it back on its way yeah no i i pulled it out wow yeah yeah but every time i close my eyes that's what i see is a worm coming out of a cat's ass my cat's ass not just any no not just a bagel's ass a worm clearly moving around clearly sentient not just a piece of thing that she ate so but yeah is that like a good lesson you telling that story made me hate my baby that's where i'm at right now that's a good lesson in like love endures you know like faith in marriage and family it's like hey you know like sometimes worms come out of our asses

but you fucking deal with it that's actually was in my wedding vows oh wow through sickness and in health through worms coming out of our assholes uh but you know this was friday and the vet appointment Is Monday And these two days It's just killing me Like I just Want her to be okay You know

And for no one To make jokes about her Oh of course not Hey Are we gonna get Is this gonna cause Mean emails I don't

I hope not Cause she's It's not her fault You're trying to find A forever home For these two kitties So you're We're good We're good as gold Okay You find a forever home for these two kitties. So we're good as gold.

Okay. If you want to save these kitties, jessie at maximumfun.org. I'll forward it over to Kumail. They don't have ass worms. No. You've checked. I've been staring at their asses day and night. No ass worms.

No ass worms. Okay, look. I want to take this opportunity. New feature of the program, JJ Go Tweet of the Week. We love it when people tweet with the JJ Go hashtag. This week, somebody tweeted, Mr. Will Cooper, at Mr. Will Cooper, tweeted,

things I found this year that are great, Rob Corddry's Children's Hospital, JJ Go Pound podcast, and a cure for cancer that I'm keeping quiet. Boom. Great. So thank you, Will. Thank you to everybody who tweets with the hashtag JJ Go. All the folks who've reviewed our podcast in iTunes.

Jesus Christ, there's a lot of them now, Jordan. Jesus Christ. It kicked our average up to five stars, my friend. Heck yeah. Up to five? Five stars. That's as many stars as is possible. Yeah, that's all the stars in the heavens, my friend.

Five. Well, you got your Big Dipper. With five stars That's as many stars As is possible Yeah That's all the stars In the heavens my friend Five Yeah Well you got your Big Dipper Sagittarius North Little Dipper North Sure

North And North Face Santa Star Um Anyway JJ go at Maximumfun.org

206-984-4FUN Maximumfun.org Slash Jumbotron If you want to get on The Jumbotron If you want to donate Maximumfun.org 206-984-4FUN maximumfund.org slash jumbotron if you want to get on the jumbotron if you want to donate maximumfund.org slash donate Kumail Nanjiani a brilliant stand-up comedian you can catch him touring around the country you can find

him what are you you're on the tweeters yeah Kumail and K-U-M-A-I-L and yeah dot twitter dot twitter dot twitter dot slash gov 206-984-4FUN M-A-I-L-N. Dot. Yeah. Dot. Twitter. Dot Twitter. Dot Twitter. Dot slash gov. 206-9844-FUN. Slash Feely. Slash Wrestling.

But just from 97. Wrestling blog. Look, gang. It's been a blast. I gotta go clean some poop off of balls. We'll be back next week on Jordan and Jessica.