Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 188: Bunko with Andy Kindler

Episode Date: August 22, 2011

Andy Kindler joins Jesse and Jordan to discuss methods and aesthetics of baby transportation, pleasure waves, going over the top and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, pretty, lovely, Jesse, go.

My addled mind is complimented by the ridiculous silliness of Mr. Andy Kindler. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm sorry. Do it again. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

In the toasty tower of the Max Fun Manor here in Mount Washington, California. We should just start treating this room as a sweat lodge. Like, we should just come up here in towels. You should get some heated rocks in the middle. Some sage leaves. Yeah, absolutely. Do some, what's that called, smelting? No, that's when you mix two metals together.

Sure. What's that thing where you... What's the thing where you light it on fire and then you put it out but then you wave it around so the smoke gets on stuff. This is very Santa Cruz-y. It's alchemy. I shouldn't say anything because I haven't been introduced yet. People go, what's that other sound? It's crazy. I'm going to switch

off the podcast. I'm going to switch right over to Dennis Miller's show because I don't know introduced yet. People go, what's that other sound? It's crazy. I'm going to switch off the podcast. I'm going to switch right over to Dennis Miller's show, because I don't know what's going to happen. Our guest on the program, the irrepressible and beloved stand-up comedian Andy Kindler. You know him as a correspondent on The Late Show. You know him as a judge on the Last Comic Standing television program. Can you say clubs and colleges across the country?

That's always a classic. You know him from clubs and colleges across this great land of ours. Please welcome professional comedian Andy Kindler. Andy Kindler. Is that the premium blend intros? That's your go-up music, right? Yeah, I have a Yiddish version of that. Played on the klezmer.

This is my new thing. I just go up at the end. Klezmer. You can't go wrong with that kind of comedy. Or right with it. It's not really comedy. It's inflection. That's my new show for the internet is like a takeoff on Inception.

Inflection. Because nobody knows what you're saying or if it's sarcastic. So that's how, maybe that's how you wake people up from their dream invasion

instead of dumping them into a bathtub. Right. You just, you know, yell something that goes up at the end. That's the kick.

I thought you just meant that it makes things difficult to follow. I think it just, people like a little zets. Now, what you said was predicated on me having seen the movie Inception, right? Yes. I never saw that movie. Oh, okay.

I just used the reference. What I said was very observant. I just heard the water cooler scuttlebutt that it was difficult to follow. Sure. Oh, the movie? Yeah. Oh. You don't hang out at the water cooler ever? I do. What do they do now that there's no more water coolers? What do they hang out at the Arrowhead machine?

What do they? All right, folks. I'm hoping this is heavily edited. I just want to say I'm heavily edited. This is going out live, Andy. Fast Forward is not available during this show. That's what you see on the on-demand a lot. a lot um man i am i'm ready for uh anything that andy kindler wants to say uh because my mind is absolutely incoherent well there's a dog i hear the dog pound outside there's two we've got two

two dogs that are upset they didn't get to meet andy kindler we've got two dogs in front that did get to meet andy kindler our neighbors have this dog. By the way, if ever any of our guests sound agitated, we have sincerely the nicest neighbors in the world. They could not be more nice. What's their angle? And their dogs couldn't be more nice. These are just the sweetest dogs. However, they are big. And especially they have two dogs, one old and one young.

And the younger of these two dogs is like a big, I don't know what that is, like a German shepherd retriever mix or something like that. But a very big dog. And this dog has the most terrifying bark. This dog is always out front of our house and barks with the ferocity of a screaming eagle. Just the fact that you use the word ferocity puts you up in the upper 1% of comedians and humorists in the country. Most people don't use those words. Sure.

I've alienated both of you now, somehow. One sentence. One sentence to alienation. They would just say, me not like dog. That's how most comedians... I just like words like that. Yeah, well, I kind of think of myself as the latter-day James Thurber. In the community of comedians and humorists.

Right, right. I usually on stage say, what is that word for this? That's how I get to the big words. Can someone tell me? Does someone have an online... Sure. Online thesaurus! Anyway, it's terrifying outside.

Andy Kindler had to go through the Crucible of Bark Fire And you handled it exceptionally well I didn't know whether you were It takes a dog Appreciator To be able to handle a situation where a genuinely Scary dog is genuinely Barking in a scary way

Well there's two things to it I don't even have one thing. The thing is that I don't think you have to have basic human intelligence. So I see the dog barking. I don't go running in and go, hey, I'm assuming the dog's no problem. But once

you told me it was okay, unless it was a prank show of some kind. A prank show where the prank is getting mauled by a dog. It was hilarious. We set up Andy Kiddler with a rabid dog. Here's my issue with this dog. And I have to deal with this dog about once a week.

Yeah. This dog is very dirty. He doesn't look clean. And that was what maybe frightened me. Maybe if he was a well cat. Oh, that's not your dog? No, that's my neighbor's dog. Well, why am I petting a dog that I don't know its provenance?

Well, it's a sweet-tempered dog. It seemed clean to me. I vouch for the dog. There's two dogs, Jordan. I think you may be—the situation is there's two dogs. I think both of them are clean. Yeah. One of them is old enough to maybe look not clean.

Yeah, it might be one of those things where a dog just—his hair gets patchy and discolored. But the dog, to me, when he starts barking and I see him, I'm like, this dog has been in the garbage where he's been dealing with hypodermic needles. Yeah, maybe this dog has AIDS. Dogs love – and interestingly enough, dogs cannot take chocolate, but they can take hypodermic needles of any kind of disease, viral disease or antibacterial. Antibacterial. By the way, I'm pro-bacterial. Deal with it, America. Deal with it.

Wow, hot talk. Yeah, it's going to get edgy in here. Andy Kindler stepping up to the plate. Give us a call. 1-800-MAX-FUN. That's 1-800-MAX-FUN. All the lines are lighting up. Are we really on the air?

No. Oh, damn it. So then I really feel I was late if we really on the air? No Oh damn it So then I really feel I was late If we really were live This is the kind of stuff that you usually save For what? The Michael Savage show Right? Savage Nation? Michael Savage

He's very angry And this is something that I don't That is not a part of my life anymore But there used to be a time in my life Where I used to listen to a lot of AM talk radio. Not from being like, not from agreeing with it politically. Right. But just my parents.

Me too. Yeah. My parents listened to a lot of it growing up. So there was a part of it that was like kind of soothing or, you know, regular. Yeah. It felt, it was kind of comfort-y. What time period was this? This was like in college and a little bit after college.

Like what years? What years? Let's see. Maybe – I'm going to say the height of my AM talk radio listening was 2002 to 2006. Okay, because when I got here in L.A., the AM radio was not right wing. That's how old I am. It was more like – there was a guy named Michael Jackson You were mostly listening to

Amy Semple McPherson, right? Is that the Is she like a healing lady? America's first great evangelist Oh, okay I thought maybe she was that Louise Haylady She did She did

She did laying on of hands She founded the Foursquare church Oh Foursquare, that social networking thing? I love that She founded that I'm LinkedIn, too. That's all I care about is LinkedIn.

I got in on the ground floor of that baby. Dude, that thing is a rocket to the stars. I mean, that's all I want to do is have a social networking thing where everyone's desperate for work. Would you say that's why you're so successful in business, in the field of business? Well, my company is called Below the Radar Incorporated. And what I do is for celebrities who feel that they're and I'm not calling myself a celebrity, but who feel that their profile is too

high. People want to keep it low. Keep it down. Keep it so that people Tamping. Exactly. Celebrity tamping. Like, who's that guy? That's what I want. So maybe what it can do for you, maybe what your firm can do is take a similar celebrity with a similar shtick or who is, you know, of a similar... You almost said stick, so you're not Jewish.

Yeah, right, right. You are not Jewish. I am not Jewish. You have no Jews in your background. No. Gentile through and through. With curly hair. Yeah, if I said gefilte fish, how would you react to that?

Oy vey. Sure. I did say schvitz earlier. That's nice. Do you remember that? Schvitz, yeah. We're schvitzing right now. We're sweating.

I threw a schmatte on to come here, and I'm schvitzing. And it all sounds dirty Yiddish. Oh, my point about Michael Savage was, I still remember this, and this I think is one of the most ridiculous AM talk radio things i've ever heard in my life he was saying and michael savage is of the opinion that uh gayness is a choice and he said that um that men were turned gay because of playboy magazine so he hates playboy thinks it's immoral because what men do is they see playboy magazine at a young age and i should say the formerly san franc-based Michael Savage. Right, right.

That always warms me up. Yeah, I think he has a book, actually, where he's wearing a windbreaker and he's standing in front of the Golden Gate Bridge. Yeah. Like, he's the king of it. Yeah, sure. Well, we did... I remember when I was living back in San Francisco, we did briefly make him not king, but potentate

of the Golden Gate Bridge. We did briefly make him not king, but potentate of the Golden Gate Bridge. And he said that because men see Playboy at a young age, and then they see an actual naked woman, and it doesn't, because it doesn't, it's not as great as Playboy, they turn gay. That it sounds so plausible. It almost sounds scientific in nature. Sure. I knew a man whose name I won't mention, who left the employ of one Michael Savage to work in public radio. He was actually instrumental in bringing the Sound of Young America to the first public radio station that it was ever on.

And he did that for like three months. And then he quit and went back to work for Michael Savage. And he was such a nice guy. And he was not an insane man, as Michael Savage is. And I asked him, why did you quit public radio and go back to Michael Savage? And he said,

well, I was making X amount of money working for Michael Savage. And it was kind of a lot. I mean, certainly for radio, it was kind of a lot. And then I quit and I went to work for public radio and michael savage couldn't find anyone else to put up with his bullshit so he offered to double

my salary and rehire me i want to work for michael savage for that kind of cash he he took this job this by the time he came back michael savage was living in like the wilds of southern oregon and doing his show by isdn and the guy I knew, he didn't even – part of his agreeing to come back was that he wouldn't be in the same place as Michael Savage. So he lived in the Bay Area. That's funny that you can be that self-aware of your unpleasantness and choose to double someone's salary rather than becoming more pleasant. Well, he's not aware of it.

He just must get up every day and go, why can't I get up? There must be nobody who works anymore. I don't know what the deal is. Yeah, Tim, you know what I blame? Playboy magazine.

Exactly. All the men are in gay bars. They're drinking martinis. They're sucking cocks. Nobody's working for my show. Yeah. I'd work for neo-Nazis if I could do it by ISDN line

And I'm Jewish As long as I don't have to see them Yeah I don't advocate what they're doing I don't accept it But you'll take their money But I take them Hey, they're

They're Whatever it's called Not shekels What do they use? A mark? Deutschmarks? You'll buy yourself an Audi You're cool with that

I have to let the Germans off the hook now Really I think it's been Sixty-six years I told myself In 2015 Right I would have a little ceremony I have to let the Germans off the hook now Really, I think it's been 66 years I told myself in 2015 Right I would have a little ceremony and say You know what, German people?

I no longer hold you responsible for it No, actually, I was never one How do you think you would inform them? By cable? I would cable Angela Merkel If it were me Yeah, I think I would just go to Germany and just walk around and say, I forgive you. One of those Schindler's List things.

You could just get yourself a t-shirt. How many Germans would you have to forgive? Certainly not everyone in the country. Is this like polling where you just have to do like 1% and then you have a representative sample of Germans who have been apologized? Their apology has been accepted? Let me just say now that I made up that whole thing about forgiving them. I have forgiven them. Wait.

You were outraged? Hold on. Hold on a second. Hold on, Andy. You're saying that you lied to us? No, everything I do that's untrue is comedic, is what I like to say. But when I grew up as a kid, as opposed to growing up as an old man, a lot of my Jewish— Jordan actually grew up as an old man. Right. A lot of my Jewish... Jordan actually grew up as an old man.

And then he's getting younger. Yeah. It's called the Beavis and Butthead disease. I thought it was that Brad Pitt... Is it the Brad Pitt movie? Beavis and Butthead take America. No, but a lot of the... I grew up Jewish obviously, but I don't know why I say obviously.

But then a lot of my Jewish friends' parents wouldn't buy any German product, but we were never like that. We only bought German products. You ate exclusively bratwurst. We were edgy Jews. Yeah, we'd have a Volkswagen. Deal with it. Deal with it. Blaupunkt.

I don't even think that is a German product. Braun? Blaupunkt. Braun. What's brighter is a German product Braun What's Braun? Oh come on They make a lovely oral B Toothbrush That's the home of industrial design legend Dieter Roms

Very good I am impressed I'm a Nazi Oh I'm sorry That's my reaction to a Nazi Would you like to retell some Viking legends to us?. I'm a Nazi. Oh, I'm sorry. No, Jesse, that's my reaction to a Nazi. Would you like to retell some Viking legends to us? Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like to tell us about Valhalla?

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Andy Kindler, comedian to the stars. That doesn't make any sense. I like that. No, I like the implication that you only perform for stars.

That's right. Like the audience has to be stars. Star studded. Who's the, what's the least amount of famous a person can be? Did you, let me ask you this. Did you work the Kardashian wedding? No. I was certainly in the mix.

Right. Sure. You were all up in there. I was all up in there. Well, for example, like I won't take reality, I won't take like a reality show star. Okay. They can't be, it has to be above that. Like a real housewife.

It has to be like a character actor who's a who has a has done recurring i only take recurring characters sure uh you know high but only network recurring like would you take someone that's recurring on franklin and i might i just might not franklin and bash no but they also have to be on shows well they can't be on shows i like because there's not millions of those. And then high-profile authors, for example. Like a Stephen King? Like a Stephen King? Well, he's a little too... A James Patterson? A little too wordy. Gore Vidal.

If Gore Vidal, is he still alive? Michael Chabon? Michael who? Michael Chabon? Oh, that's the guy who wrote Clavican. Yeah, there you go. That's supposed to be a fantastic book. I get frightened reading the description of that book. Yeah. Clavalier and – exactly.

That's supposed to be a fantastic – any book that's that thick, I think people have to divide it into three volumes for me. Really? It's a matter of volumes. I don't have – you know, I'm so busy not doing other things. Right. I don't have time to dig into – Right. I can understand that.

...to bury myself into one of those deals. No, I think you've got major authors, but not literary. Is that what you're saying? Oh, no. Literary is good. Okay, so like a John Updike. You want somebody who's simple, clear. John Updike.

Kurt Vonnegut are good. Ernest Hemingway would be nice. Sure. It helps if they're dead. We're learning that. Oh, F. Scott Fitzgerald I wouldn't mind having at the house.

Sure. Philip Roth. Sure. Lord Byron. Lord Byron. Euripides. Euripides. Lucretius.

More of a playwright, I guess. Lucretius. I have Lucretius over to the house. The Epic of Gilgamesh. Yeah. I've had both Rosencrantz

and Guildenstern. Oh, fictional characters as well. Some famous fictional characters. That's how, Gilgamesh? Yeah. I've had both Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Oh, so fictional characters as well. Fictional characters are welcome. That's my version of USA Network. Fictional characters welcome. Oh, wow. Sure, sure.

By the way, I think we're officially riffing now. Just got back from a hot gig in Japan. You're in the riff zone. For the Tale of Genji. You're in the riff zone. What do you gotta you're in the rip zone what do you gotta say it's all improv jordan can we please talk about something important yes because you offhandedly mentioned that you purchased a memory foam bath mat i did i had a uh i my cat uh did something. My cat got drunk and went online. Yeah, and she bought all kinds of shit.

Lots of weird duck porn. She's into that. So she did something kind of uncharacteristic and peed on my bath mat in front of me. Oh, wow. And I'm told that this is like an aggressive move on their part. Is it a he or a she? It's a she. That's part of it, right? With the marking of the thing? I don't know. I don't know

a lot about cat behavior. You know how the ladies are. Guys, guy cats, are you with me? Lady cats, take a breather. Something that always surprises... I've never owned a cat, but something that always surprises me... Owned a cat? You don't own a cat. It's not like a dishwasher. Thanks, cat guy.

You cohabitate. Yeah. Okay. Sorry, Peter. Share a space. I've never had a cat live in my house. But something that always amazes me is how a cat owner will sort of offhandedly reference something. And I like cats.

I don't want to come off as a cat. Don't get you wrong. That doesn't like cats. I don't want to come up with a cat. Don't get you wrong. That doesn't like cats. But I always get a kick out of a cat owner just offhandedly mentioning something their cat did with the sort of like, well, that's cats for you. That is insane. And it's like a 10-year-old cat. It's not like kitten behavior. And cats don't do – and from what I can tell, this isn't something that cats are doing all the time. That's what makes it surprising. It's not that cats are doing all the time. Yeah. Like, that's what makes it surprising.

It's not like cats are always going around doing something crazy. But just if you're, like, eight-year-old, perfectly well-behaved cat, like, digs a hole in your couch and takes a shit in it, like, that's just like, well, that's cats for you. That's cats. You can't pin them down. Yeah. Owning a cat is like being in an abusive relationship. Always making apologies for them. Cat's just trying to get the band back together.

Sure. Things like that. You have to live in a shelter. Yeah. But no, she's always been good with the litter box. But this, yeah, I feel like I was looking right at her. She was in the bathroom and just peed on the bath mat. So I went out today to get a new one.

And I was at the bed bath and beyond um and did you have your coupons no okay here's the thing you have to have your don't even think about going to that place with like okay uh yeah right those bed bath and beyond coupons come in the mail basically every day to the point where it's like shouldn't you just decrease the price of everything in the store 20% because these coupons are so plentiful? But I fucking tore my house apart and could not find one. And I feel like I... If you ask them at the Bed Bath & Beyond, they'll just scan one for you.

Right? Oh, really? Yeah. I went online and printed one out. So now to get one, I had to put myself on the Bed, Bath, and Beyond mailing list. Oh, geez. Which I'm sure will yield. They'll come daily. A lot of exciting.

Daily. Sure. Have you seen this thing that makes ravioli? They'll just come to my house and show it to me. It's a crimper. It crimps the ravioli. Excuse me, Mr. Morris. Yeah.

Coffee pods. Have you heard about coffee pods? Are you paying too little for sheets? Right. Something about thread count. Duvet cover. Get ready for college. Guys, we're in the Rift Zone.

Come on. No. Let's just say things. We're in the Rift Zone. Take it away. So I was looking for bath mats, and I saw a stack of memory foam bath mats. Posturepedic or Tempurpedic? I don't think it was associated with any of the NASA-approved pillows.

But it is made of memory foam, and I was looking at the display, and there's this kind of flat-screen TV playing their commercial on loop. Is that popular a product? Yeah, I guess so. Wow. commercial on loop and it's that popular product yeah i guess so wow and it has a woman stepping out of the shower and onto the bath mat and when it does it goes into x-ray mode and it shows pleasure waves coming out of the bath mat and up her body and talking about how soothing it is stepping out of the hot shower do they sort of refocus themselves in the center of her body no yeah that would be funny if like they all collect near the genitals.

The pleasure waves come up through the foot. If I had one of those, I'd never leave the house, am I right? Come on. Never leave the bathroom. Forget about it. Andy Kindler, comedian to the stars. I wouldn't need the talcum powder, am I wrong? So, but, you know, I'm like, okay, well, this is a little bit silly, but it was actually a great size.

I have a really small bathroom and, you know, it was the perfect size. So I'm like, you know, what the hell? I'll give it a shot. They'd really cheaped out on you. Yeah. And that was, but in this case. Yeah. How much was it?

It was $17. And then I think I got 20% off that. Because, Jordan, isn't a bath mat supposed to be absorbent? $17 and then I think I got 20% off that Because Jordan Isn't a bath mat supposed to be Absorbent isn't that the purpose of a bath mat Yes I don't So I don't know if memory foam Is good for that

That's for putting your head on right Yeah well or your butt Well here's the thing absorbency No longer I like when anyone says butt You know what I'm talking about. I like when anyone says butt. You know what I'm talking about? Call me blue. Absorbency no longer an issue.

I got out of the shower before coming over here. I swear to fucking God, pleasure waves. Really? Yes, it was amazing. Something about the heat of the shower. Right. The steamy room. Something about the combination of the steamy room,

my nudity, and the juxtaposition of the hard bathtub and then stepping onto the cushy memory foam bath mat. The soft, wet bath mat. The hard bathtub. I feel like I can do

anything. The rock hard faucet. You shower naked? That bath mat. Yeah. The hard bathtub. I feel like I can do anything. The rock-hard faucet. Mm-hmm. You shower naked? That's crazy. Yeah. Fully clothed. Fully clothed. My parents are Greek.

I mean, the real question is, why does he bring his own mat to the health club? Yeah. Well, I think... And here's the thing, though. Now, I feel like if my cat fucking ruins this bath... Because I had no attachment to the bath mat she ruined. Uh--huh but if she lifts and pees on this one yes i it might be one of those things where i'm like i yeah i don't feel the same about do you think she has a good sense of what possessions are valuable to you and if she did she would have just pissed on the xbox right? Yeah, she seems to stay away from the Xbox. The Futurama DVDs have been relatively untouched. I wonder if you could do the thing where you could be a critic,

and then whatever the cat didn't pee on, you would recommend that week. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Or what if you use the cat for like NCAA March Madness pools? Oh, where I lay down my bracket and see where she pisses? Yeah. Well, I was going to say, Jesse, you might enjoy this. You might enjoy this business proposition. Sure.

It's like an antiques roadshow. I fill up my house with people's antiques. We should explain. I'm a big fan of the antiques roadshow, one of my favorite programs. Who isn't? Pino Brothers are going to come in and be on the Sound of Young America, by the way. I'm very excited. Very excited.

The Keno Brothers? The Keno Brothers. Something to do with Keno? Yeah. They're not gambling people? They're two brothers who are well known for their appreciation for the classic casino game of Keno. Oh, but these are... My parents are antique dealers.

Oh. But they're retired. So they actually know a couple of the people on the show. They know the Keno. They probably know the Keno. Oh, but these are... My parents are antique dealers. Oh, well, they're retired. So they actually know a couple of people on the show. They know the... They probably know the Keno brothers.

I'll have to bring it up to them. I might get the... I want to get a rise out of them. A positive rise. I didn't get a rise. How do you spell

the Keno brothers? K-E-N-O. Just like Keno. And what's their specialty? American furniture. Oh. American furniture. Won't you come with me?

Come on, song parodies, folks. It's song parody time. Let's do it. Song parodies are always welcome when you're in the riff zone. But don't sing more than one line because you have to pay. We don't want to pay. Because you have to think of a rhyme. That's a good reason not to sing more than one line.

Public domain, and it's public domain. See, that's the secret that Weird Al has. People always say, why is he so successful at song parody? He goes to that second line. He's willing to think of a line that rhymes with the first rhyme that he thought of. He can replace more than one word of a song.

Yeah. But I'm saying, for this Antiques Roadshow idea, we just fill my house with people's antiques and whatever the cat pees on is not valuable oh so you think that the cat was being considerate when it pissed on the yeah maybe i just thought knew that i was i think that maybe the the reason the cat was so pissed off at you yeah was because it was upset that you don't really have any prized possessions yeah it's like why you just go you just work all the time sure why don't really have any prized possessions. Yeah.

It's like, you just work all the time. Sure. Why don't you get yourself a nice oriental rug? Now, let me say something that I think that might interject here. I don't necessarily know that the cat peeing is related to anything you're doing. See, I think that's anthropomorphizing the cat. You're thinking, oh, look what the cat's doing. I guess I didn't give him enough cheesecake

this week. Andy, there's no connection. We usually go to the cheesecake factory together, so I had to skip this week. It's cat land. You couldn't be more wrong. It's like Chinatown. I know from my own personal experience that whenever I'm upset with someone, I pee on one of their favorite things.

Well, that's true. Right. That's true. But no, cats are in their own fantasy land. You're saying that cats are different from people in that sense. I'm saying that cats – They don't pee on something that belongs to whoever they're upset with. Well, I'm saying that cats and dogs are different, as you can see from one of my first comedy CDs where I do the difference between men and women on the first side.

It's actually an LP. The first side is the difference between men and women on the first side. It's actually an LP. The first side is the difference between men and women. The second side is the difference between cats and dogs. And then the liner notes explain how I came up with it all. Is there a studio audience? Because I don't hear anyone

here besides you guys. Okay, let's pause for laughter. Okay. Room tone. You're going to sweeten that, right? You're going to sweeten this podcast? I would love it if it was sweetened with such verve and vim and vigor. Maybe they got the audience from an old Married with Children episode.

And then after everything, And then a couple days oh man think about the fucking party it probably was to be in the audience of a married with children episode like that is the most ridiculous studio audience noise of all time i um i was watching the antiques roadshow recently and also in the past. Yes. And they had one of the items on the program was the machine used to sweeten audience reaction for television programs. From the old days or currently? From the old days. From starting in the 50s. It's like a Mellotron or something.

They, it's like a Mellotron or something. Like one of these, you know, these synthesizers where like the proto synthesizers where instead of electronically generating a song, you press a key and it plays a weird tape loop. Right. It was like that. It was like a giant organ with like a bunch of pull toggles and shit. I just assumed that like back in the 50s, they just had a Chinese man in a box who was forced to clap. Yeah. Well, they had both i mean they you have to have both an electronic and a manual option sure in case of power outages well manipulation was harder in the old days you couldn't manipulate and lie and and deceive people it's easily easily you had to do it you had to put some effort into

it that's why people were very. People were sharp in those days. Do you guys think that that idea of the. Well, it was possible to victimize them with a bunco scam. Right. But that was like their one blind spot was bunco. I was into check kiting for a while. Sure. For about two weeks.

Because I thought it involved the outdoors. Sure. Check kiting. I'm going to write that down. For about two weeks Because I thought it involved the outdoors Sure Check kiting I'm going to write that down I like to write things down that I never use later Check kiting The great outdoors When I was a kid

Because I'm so much older I'm going to turn 95 this week And exaggeration is always funny Congratulations Thank you I look good right But when I was a kid they used to have these shows What can I do You know what my secret is And exaggeration is always funny. Congratulations, Gramps. Thank you. I look good, right? But when I was a kid, they used to have these shows. You're so spry.

What can I do? You know what my secret is? Lying about my age. So they would have these shows that were like, I don't even remember the name of them, but they were like FBI type shows. And some of them scared the life out of me. Like one thing was like these people. Like an Untouchables type of thing? It was like that, but like like code three i think code three was actually the name of one of them and gangbusters no it was like and then one of them was so bad fibber mcgee and molly that was

that oh now don't get me started on the old radio shows they used to frighten me as a kid goes one thing like a woman is for a scam she was sticking her hand in a jar and having it repeatedly stung by bees. Now, I don't know what her scam was. She was telling people they were skeeter bites. Or she was injured somehow, but then she ends up dying. That was the message to it, that you can't repeatedly get... For those kids, don't try it at home. Is this a partial memory?

No, this really happened. I bet someone could be... Yeah, because somehow she was saying, oh, I tripped and fell. She wanted to sue. So her thing was that she sued Jar of B-Man. She must have been... We have a label.

It says, do not place arm in for long periods of time. Isn't there someone who would know who could be able to figure that out for us? Yeah, out there in the audience Somebody out there Code 3 might have been the name of the show Our friends at the Paley Center for Media Right now are in the archives

Do you have any listeners my age? Oh, that one hurt Because of my emphysema We have a few listeners who are interested in Bunko scams Why am I my emphysema. We have a few listeners who are interested in bunco scams. Why am I doing emphysema jokes? That's what I want to know. What is a bunco scam? I don't know what a bunco scam is.

What's a bunco squad? A flim flam man would perpetrate a bunco scam. That's true. I guess I only know the word bunco from it was something my mom did. And I got the impression it was something like bingo, where her and all the other ladies in the neighborhood would play. You're thinking of the Keno brothers. I am thinking of the Keno brothers.

Now, I, for a long time, did not know what money laundering was, and I still am a little bit confused. Did you have an establishment that you claim is a pizza place? You know what the secret is? You have to look at the secondary woods. That's how you date it. Oh. Open the drawer, take a look at the secondary wood.

What is a wood in the drawer? Oh, you mean behind the false thing? No, you open the drawer and the line... You know, in an antique. Oh, secondary wood. You look at the secondary wood. The primary wood's on the outside. The secondary wood's what they use on the inside.

It's a less expensive wood. And that's where you launder the money? No, that's how – Forget it. You gave me a look like forget it. If you can't understand this, then you're not going to – I thought you were the child of antique dealers. Well, okay.

You bring that up and it's true that I had antique. I used to do a joke in my act about how at my parents' house I couldn't conduct business because I was like, hold on a second. I need to get another quill. But my parents were not – we had antique furniture, but that wasn't their specialty. They were ink bottles. Then they went to your stoneware. And then my mom, I don't want to brag, but I can't choose one of the foremost people for dolls.

She knew everything about dolls. Bisque dolls, all bisque dolls. Did you have Russian nesting? I don't know so much about that. I think it was more not the Russian nesting so much. Okay. No ethnic dolls. Yeah, she refused.

Very, very... Very racist. Very racist. Just with dolls. Yeah, huh. The people who bring dolls on the Antiques Roadshow invariably make me uncomfortable. There's always something that makes me feel... I guess I'm just trying to put down your mom.

Well, no, no, no. My mom... Well, the one thing and I can't name names, but the one thing my mom did learn from doing dolls was that working with... trying to sell things to celebrities. Forget about it. Meryl Streep. That's your way of getting... Why am I... I'm not even a smoker. What is that laugh?

Michael Savage. Yes, Michael Savage. A big doll collector. Loved Victorian dolls Mark Levin Okay we'll be back In just a second On Jordan Jessico Don't shorten your break

Because of me It's Jordan Jessico I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio I was laughing as if We were telling A fantastic story And having so much fun during the break.

You guys just missed it. Yeah. Now for the B- shit. Jordan Morris, Andy Kindler, comedian to the stars. Jew. Andy Kindler, famous Jew. I just love to say that I'm a Jew or use Jew in a sentence. Do you play a Jew's use Jew in a sentence.

Do you play a Jew's harp? No. You don't think you'd take it that far? Is that like a thing that you put in your mouth and you go, that's a little boink. Yeah. Who could play something like that? Do you like variations on the word Jew, like Jewry? Yeah, Jewry is great. Jupiter.

Jupiter. No, Jewry. The Jewish world is referred to as Jewry. Oh, Jewry. Jewry. Not so much. No? Not that one.

I don't know why. I'm practicing different dynamics. Let me ask you this. A female Jew, a Jewess. That sounds like a Nazi thing. It does sound like a Nazi thing. It's not, though. But it does sound like that.

It sounds like that's where it started. And they said, put this in the vernacular. Don't tell them that Hitler sent you. Toss it in the old vernacular. Schicksal. Jews love to talk about non-Jewish people with all kinds of... The goyim and the schicksal. Schicksal is

much more than goyim. Schicksal sounds like some kind of horrible, horrible, horrible word. No, but you see, if a woman's a Shiksa goddess, then you're very excited because she's a non-Jewish. And then she's outside of your thing. Right. And you want it. Sure.

Exactly. That's how homosexuality started, by the way. Right. There's too many homosexual men or too many Jewish men. I have this situation that I could use some counseling on, guys. Okay. Neither one of us are counselors. He's a boy detective.

Yeah. My life is a wreck. Jordan, maybe you can get to the bottom of this situation then using your skills of deduction. Yeah. And induction. Induction means Bob eats meat. The cat eats meat, therefore Bob is a cat. Exactly. You got it perfectly.

I was going to say my ability to usher people into various halls of fame. Yeah. We're talking rock and roll, baseball. So, Andy, just so you know. Only those two. The last two weeks I've had this baby living in my house. That's not, that you don't, that just snuck in? It's my baby.

It came out of my wife. I was going to say, you guys should spray for those. My beautiful wife. Was she having your baby? Did you enjoy that song during the gestation period? I'm the new Jerry Lewis, by the way. He did a lot of gestation stuff. That's why you say that.

I'm hosting the telethon this year. Oh, wow, yeah. Yeah. Not the Chabad, though. She's in the third trimester. See how it works? Glavin. Have they announced who's going to host the telethon?

Because Jerry, they pushed him out, right? Well, they pushed him out, but then I think there must be a backstory to it, but I just, I never followed it down. People watch it because he's a madman, right? Isn't that the reason that people watch the telethon? I mean there was a time when he was one of America's most beloved comedians. That's when he started the telethon. It used to be.

In like the late 60s or something. When I was a little kid, again in the 20s, I used to love the telethon because I loved Jerry Lewis when I was a kid. I used to love the telethon because I loved Jerry Lewis when I was a kid. But then later on when I was an adult, it was always fun because he was really involved and he would do crazy stuff and he would do the saccharine thing. And he would – let me tell you. He was one of the original people with – let me tell you about the Andy Kindler that I know who gives to the children's hospitals. The man is you don't hear about. And that would be that for 23 hours.

And he would cry. And then he would do horrible shtick And in your role as comedian to the stars You did have quite a relationship with Mr. Lewis I never did, you know there were a lot of comics I'm sure we could name many many comics Not of your generation but many comics Who have done telethon related things I never did

They are looking for a new host I think you should put in Andy Well first of all it doesn't pay anything, right? Fair enough. And I need money. I'm not like, you know what I'm saying? I need the charity. Sure.

I'm not so much doing for the charity. Sure. You don't have muscular dystrophy, but you do have a lukewarm career. That's true. When you said it, it hurt. You know what I'm saying? It's a red hot career Okay

You're a regular on the David Letterman show I feel better now I feel better You're the right hand comedy man To David Letterman? Of the funniest person in the world If my career was going that well How could you making a joke about it

Cause me a pain in my heart so deep that I'm sobbing inside? See what I'm saying? No. I also stabbed you. You stabbed me. That's true. Physically stabbed.

Right. But we don't go. So it might have been 50-50, the comment and the stabbing. Yeah. No, no. I'm very, very happy with where I am. I think you should do it. As long as I can scrape the rent together, we're good.

I think you should do it, Andy. I think you should host. Oh, the telethon? I think you should host the telethon. I don't think they should do the telethon anymore. Are they not going to do it anymore? No, they're going to keep doing it. Not 24 hours.

But without Jerry Lewis. But I think it's those of the... They're not going to go 24 hours. It's going to be like an hour. 48 hours. They should just show that... It's going to be hosted by Danny Glover. CBS.

They should just show that Nazi movie that he's ashamed of instead of the telethon. The one about the crying clown? Yeah. Andy, do you know about this? Everybody knows about it, but I think people have sponsored other comedians who I can't mention because I don't want to get them in trouble. They've sponsored readings about it. Yeah, I've heard that. I guess for people who don't know, Jerry Lewis made this Holocaust movie that I guess is so distasteful.

The Day the Clown Cried is what it's called. Yeah. And I guess it's... He didn't make the movie, right? He just wrote a script, or he actually made a movie? I think that the movie got made. No, I think he made it. Yeah. But it only exists on three, you know,

three VHS tapes. Which he invented. He invented every kind of... He invented the video assist. He invented VHS tape. He invented the polio vaccine. He invented VHS tape. He invented the polio vaccine. He invented VCR Plus, definitely. What was VCR Plus? That was a very, very high-end version of VHS.

That was where you type in the number from your TV guide, and it tells the VCR what to record. Oh, okay. Yeah, I had VCR Minus, which would erase shows as different shows came on. It just erased videos of your kids' dance recital. Yeah, exactly. Okay, I want to talk about the baby for a second. Sure. So this baby's wonderful.

Don't get you wrong. For my, like, as long as Teresa, my beautiful wife, and I have discussed the possibility of having a baby, one of the great attractions to me has been the possibility that I might get to carry the baby around in a baby Bjorn. This is appealing to you. Now, I know that this is a joke to some people. I don't even know what that second word is. It's like a— Swedish, right? know what that second word is It's like a Swedish, right?

It's like a meatball It's a meatball you wear around your neck It's like that chest baby holder Oh, I think I used to see that on 30-something Yeah, exactly So, it has long been And I know that this is like I think maybe because Zach Galifianakisakis wore one in the hit film The Hangover.

Sure. It's a joke that people would want to carry their baby around. You're not wearing it as a career move, though, right? Primarily as a career move. Yes. Yeah. I mean, well, Jesse, I mean, you're you're an Internet personality. Could you do you think you could make the transition to daddy blogger?

I know mommy blogging is very big I think our friend Our friends Umaz Jabrani And Al Madrigal Are doing great with their daddy podcast These guys are Knocking it out of the ballpark over there

But no, it's not a career move It's not a papoose? It's like a papoose Papoose is a New York Mixtape rapper Is that really true? Yes And a papoosa Is some sort of

Ecuadorian pastry Sure, well it's like A Salvadorian Stuffed tortilla Okay Griddle fried stuffed tortilla These are none of those No

This is like It's like if you put It's like the thing It's like a backpack for your front But it's with a baby inside Right You know what I'm talking about It doesn't come with the baby

No You put the baby in there Also ground beef Cheese Onions Right And cilantro Simmer for 45 minutes and serve

Sure Are you thinking I think you're just thinking Of a dumpling of some kind. That was my favorite restaurant I've ever eaten at. Yeah. It was called

Dumpling of Some Kind. You never knew what they were going to serve. I'll talk about... This is just filled with paperclips. I ate some great dumplings this week, but that's not what we're here for. That's not why you call.

No, God forbid somebody on this show would tell a story about something stupid they purchased recently. I've always... I did it earlier. I've always looked at dads carrying their babies around. And even though they look... And you look ridiculous. I mean, it's a ridiculous thing to do.

But I really, really wanted to do it. Because it looked so... I i don't know i guess the adjective would be like cuddly yeah like it just looked such like such a satisfying thing to the point where you know my wife and i my wife used to joke that she would buy one that i could put the dogs in um but like i just i just want to i just really loved the idea of care. I love hugging babies and small children. It's just so pleasant. And it's hands-free, too.

Yeah, you can do anything. You can play foosball, whatever you like. Don't forget to fasten the buckles, though. Sure. You could slam an Irish car bomb. Sure. But, like, so the baby finally came. And it did not come out with a Bjorn.

No, but inconsiderate. We had, we had, here's the thing. We registered for something called a Moby Wrap, which is a type of papoose. This is more papoose like and less backpack like. Is it Moby endorsed? This is... No. No, this isn't some sort of tea. Hi, I'm Moby.

You know me from my music. Doesn't Moby have his own iced tea now? Does he really have his own iced tea? I like that. Oh, geez, Moby. I mean, I like iced tea, but... And I like Moby, but don't get us wrong. That guy's a real dick. Is he really bad?

I just wanted to say Moby was a dick. Because he has a reputation of being like a nice guy, right? I think he does have a reputation. Let's tear him down. I bet he's a good guy. So we had this thing called Moby Wrap. And it's too complicated for me. I can't operate it.

However, however... Sounds like a real VCR Plus. There's this him like four. And it's too complicated for me. I can't operate it. However, however. Sounds like a real VCR plus. There's this thing. A regular VCR. There's this thing called an Ergo, which is like a baby Bjorn. It's like a backpack. But you can also like move it different ways. So you can, if you're a mom, you can like let the baby breastfeed in this thing or like

whatever. So it's a little bit more complicated. But we got one of these and apparently my wife was going to register for it but she's still reeling at the fact that the in addition to the baby your wife isn't are also growing all the baby supplies inside her i thought you would get the baby and then you get crib and now just a couple binkies that's all you get out of there when the baby comes out. Wait, what's a corn popper?

It's those things that you push. Oh, sure. Like a Fisher-Price. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a little vacuum cleaner. With the dome. But it's like a pop-o-matic board game.

So apparently my wife thought we were going to get one of these things as a hand-me-down from a relative. But then the relative decided to keep it, but felt bad that she had promised it and got together with some other relatives and bought us one. So Moby Wrap is out. It's too complicated for me, but this Ergo

is in. And I want to say something about the Ergo. It's called an Ergo Organic. It's a well-designed product that's why my wife registered for it she looked she did the research she found out what's the good thing she found out you know she decided she wants this thing but it's made of like squid ink and it is like a some a color that's between salmon and orange it is fully embroidered with like weird flowers.

It has a head flap that's in like, like it is seriously, it is, it is like, like Whole Foods does not even begin to describe this item. Like it is way past Whole Foods and into Farmer's Market in Berkeley. Like a guy who's selling not stuff that he

brought from Guatemala when he was backpacking. He sold that stuff. Now he's selling stuff that's inspired by the stuff that he brought from Guatemala when he was backpacking. There's a lot of carob in this thing. It is made from carob fibers. Exactly. And it is just

grotesquely ugly. mean it if i was a lady i think maybe i could pull it off right like it wouldn't look good but i wouldn't look like an asshole but on me i genuinely look like an asshole and you really have to go i go. I think the hippie community has a reputation for being at least warm hearted and probably one of their positive attributes. And so you really have to go to the max for someone to think that guy looks like a real hippie asshole. Right. You know what I mean? Like someone I don't want to talk to or whatever. Sure.

But asshole, you really have to take it to the top. And that's what this thing does. It's like wearing a BMW in front of you. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. I put this baby in this holder and strapped this thing on, did some fucking clamps and clasps. Chick magnet.

I have never gotten so much pussy. But sincerely Leave the baby on. Sincerely, I was so happy. It like fulfilled my every dream of what it would be like to have a baby in a baby

Bjorn-like device. Like, I was just... Every time I put this baby in this thing and, like, strap the baby to me and, like, go for a walk with the dogs or whatever, I am, like, over the fucking moon. But, as you know, Jordan, maybe you don't know as well I do care about my outfits Creds, your street cred And my street cred to some extent, certainly I mean, you know, soy del barrio You're wearing a Nehru jacket during this interview

I am, that's true If that means anything Yeah, my cred is primarily a sort of African dictator type cred Yes, exactly Hey, the Nehru jacket would... Many people... All right. But here's the thing.

So it is so ugly and embarrassing that I am, and you guys can tell me if I'm a dick for thinking about this, I am actually thinking about buying another one. Here's what I'll say about this is that um okay so you admitted when we just started talking about these things yeah these are ridiculous things yeah like this is ridiculous so i feel like quibbling about the about the specifics it's like i feel like you are going to tgi fridays and looking at the menu and saying, what's healthy here? What's healthy on this?

It's like, no, you're at TGI Fridays. Fucking get the Southwestern Deep Fried Egg Rolls and the Ranch Dressing Burger and the Chocolate Bomb Cake, like balls to the wall. I kind of see it this way. It's sort of like putting a ski rack or a mountain bike rack on top of

your Volkswagen Jetta. Sure. You know what I mean? Like that's fucking ridiculous. Like, give me a break. You know what I mean? Like,

who are you? Or like putting that thing, you know, that like coffin shaped thing for storing skis. Sure. Or whatever, like any of these kinds of things that your LL Bean catalog types might do. Or it's like putting your baby in one of those.

Sure. And then driving to Tahoe. So it's like if you did that, that's a little bit ridiculous, right? But if that was tie-dye colored, that's what the equivalent here is.

So what does your dream baby Bjorn look like? Here are the parameters. Okay. They do sell one in navy blue. Solid navy blue. I don't want to cause a divorce, but why didn't your wife get the navy blue? What is it about your wife's taste?

That's the disaster here. My wife's kind and wonderful relatives. Right, they didn't ask her. They didn't ask. And because we hadn't registered for it, they bought it from someplace where it was on sale, and this was the only color they had. Everything was wrong with that gift. And it was non-returnable. Here's the problem.

Here's what you should do. Those relatives, and I'm sure they're lovely people beyond this interaction first of all they promised your wife uh that she would get one right ergo ergo what they should do then they said oh oh we feel so bad that we're going to get you the most horrible looking version of this that's on sale that's unreturnable. And so that's cool, right? They just got me the Dallas Cowboys edition. Yeah. Might as well have been – why don't they get you a pea green – I mean, you should cut all ties with them. God bless them.

And have them send you the – you should send it back to them and have them send you the money and then you should buy the ergo of your dreams. There's this – because there's this dangerous thing, because people are being kind to you by buying you a gift. Those people are passive-aggressive. Sure. Passive-aggressive, my friend. The act of war. So you can register for some stuff. And we tried – I mean, the one thing we did do was we told my mother-in-law, who's also an exceptionally kind, patient, thoughtful woman. That does not fit told my mother-in-law who's also exceptionally kind patient

thoughtful woman that does not fit into the mother-in-law jokes my mother-in-law is so thoughtful we just how thoughtful we just said if anybody asks you what to get and they want to get clothes just ask them to get something with no words on it we're like if we could let sit down one rule like it's not crazy if we just say no words because then we don't end up with a kid we have to carry around this kid that's got a bunch of shirts that say like you know my other car is a thing if you think i'm cute you should see my dad yeah exactly which makes me want to punch myself in the face and like i i thought about taking it one step further and just being like solid colors any solid color you can buy it for us but i was like you know what

if they want to get us something with a dinosaur on it but i feel like a dick that's the other thing even if and the solid blue one is like so much more tasteful you know it's solid blue yeah how far can you go wrong with that? You can't. A solid navy blue is the best thing to have anything that you could wear. It's just easy. You're a midshipman, for crying out loud.

Exactly. It goes with my flared pants and those weird buttons in the front of the pants. You know what I'm talking about, Andy Kemp. You've got secondary wood from this description. Secondary wood? I had that on my first date with my wife. Am I wrong? Am I

right or am I wrong? How secondary was it? How wooden-like was my sexual performance? How stiff am I in the bedroom? Not body part-wise. Kino Brothers. Keno?

What, do we need two people to play Keno? What do we? I'm genuinely asking, if this thing costs, I think it costs like a hundred bucks. Yeah. That was going to be my question, is how much you drop it. They got it for $40 because of the horrible color. You can use it for years. Years?

Until your child is 18? You can use it until your kid's like two. So like two years. And then after the child, you can use it to transport watermelons from the grocery store to home. That's true. If you're just going for one watermelon. There's a million uses. It's more convenient than a stroller in many situations.

But let me ask you this. Why did they not give you the one they were going to give you? They all of a sudden had another kid? They decided they wanted to hang on to it. They thought they were just going to use it when the kid was a baby, but then they decided to hang on to it for year one to two. Oh, I see. It's not like the kid is 30. No.

Get in the Bjorn Borg. He's 30, but he's very small get in the bjorn borg that's what i would do i would make i would that would be my first thing we should pitch we should pitch it to bjorn borg we should pitch uh maybe an adult swim show called baby bjorn baby bjorn it's about bjorn borg and other you know other sort of 80s tennis players as babies. It's like a baby version of... Who are we looking at? We're looking at an Arthur Ashe, maybe?

Or maybe that's a little too early. The thing that would be great about the Bjorn Borg... Jimmy Connors? The Bjorn Borg is that you would use it until the person was 25 and then quit for some strange reason, right? The peak of your career. Of the baby's career. Martina Navratilova? I bought the Martina Navratilova.

It comes in different shades. The baby Navratilova? But it's a sincere question because I am genuinely wrestling with this right now. I think it costs, from memory, I think it costs $125. And in my head, I'm thinking, I really want to wear this thing. Sure. Because I love...

It's like cuddling. It's like going about your business, but you're also cuddling at the same time. Right. It's amazing. I can't begin to tell you how great this is. And so it has a strong appeal to me. And I've got two years of baby ahead of me. It'll be two years before this thing's a proper toddler.

You know what I'm talking about? And so I want to rack it up, throw it on the old back. You can move it from the front to the back when it gets to be a little bigger. Right. There's so many exciting different permutations to this product. So I want to use this thing. You can let it swing between your legs. I will say that people... Turn your baby into

a giant set of balls. That's gross. I'm sorry. No, that actually is gross. That's a good sales point. That's a fun idea. Yeah. As long as it's your baby. Write that down, man. Write that down on your list. Yeah, you have an idea list. I as it's your baby Write that down Write that down Yeah you're an idealist I'm offended you didn't

Write that down But you know what the thing is Don't forget when you're Wearing the papoose I mean the björg I mean the born The björn No one's really looking

Split star People are just looking At the baby They don't care what You're carrying it in Really The least of your problems Is the color of your

But you can't even see The baby Oh it's camouflaged The baby's facing you And it has a head protector Especially when it's an infant It has a head protector That makes it So you can't even see the baby. Oh, it's camouflaged. The baby's facing you, and it has a head protector, especially when it's an infant. It has a head protector that makes it so you can't even see. And it has this flap that you can put over the baby's head to keep the baby from getting sunburned. Are you telling me that you walk around with the baby in a device where nobody can see as you're walking forward?

You're all covered? You're under the hood? It's something you wouldn't want to wear in the green zone in Baghdad. I say return it. Cut off ties to the relatives. It's non-returnable! No, return it to them. Say thanks for nothing.

You're independent. Take a Polaroid of your middle finger. Right, take a Polaroid. Give them a kick, square in the box. I'm assuming you're independently wealthy from the podcast. Oh, of course. I'm in the public radio wealthy from the podcast Oh of course Public radio and podcast my friend And don't forget short lived

IFC 15 minute television program And you're probably still living on those Residges It's in syndication now Exactly Just like you live on that money from when you visited the Super Bowl For the late show You did visit the Super Bowl?

Yes, I did. I did a couple of them. All I was thinking of was how much the residuals were. I do really enjoy when you do a segment on The Late Show. I like it when you visited The Hold Steady. I thought that was a very fun one. That was so much fun. That's something I'll just Google and watch again.

Wait, Andy visited The Hold Steady for Letterman? Yeah, Tommy Ruprecht, who's a writer for the show. I don't know if I buy that. He wrote a song with a guy from Guided by Voices for another episode. Yeah, right. Well, this was when Franz was in the group. Okay. He's gone now, right?

I don't know. Nobody knows anything. I don't know. He was in the Hold Steady? He was the keyboard player. I interviewed the main guy from the Hold Steady. He seemed like an interesting guy. Yeah, I was not familiar with their music

until I went and hung out with them. But Tommy Ruprecht was one of the writers for the show who came up with the Bush great moments in presidential history with Bush. Sure. He loves them and knows them. And so that's how I got to do it. And I used to be a musician

before I was a comedian. So I got to play with them on one song But they didn't even teach me how to play the song And I don't think they used my track What kind of music did you Let's talk about Andy's music in a second Because I want to settle this thing What do you say Jordan $125, two years

In my head I'm amortizing it At $5 a month For the privilege of not being embarrassed by this thing. I guess I would need to see your bank book before I would make a call for you. As a publicly traded company, you can't actually just look at my books at the SEC. To me, it seems a little frivolous.

It seems like you should embrace the silliness a little bit and maybe even have a little fun with it. Not if it's something you hate that much. I think you've got to bite the bullet on this one and maybe even give it away. Really? Give it away to an organization. Take it to the max, in other words.

Take it to the max. Give it away to somebody who wouldn't, you know, somebody who would enjoy, who likes a lot of granola. Uh-huh. Who enjoys it. Yeah. Who walks barefoot. Well, maybe you could take it to the farmer's market and trade it for some kale.

Right. Exactly. But, yeah, no, I think if you... Give it to a fish fan. If you feel like you regularly spend $100 on, you know, things. Weed. On weed. Things. On weed.

Weed. Just, yeah, take your weed budget for the week and put it towards this. I think that this will, I'm guessing that if I go onto the forum this week, there are going to be some very strong opinions on this issue. Sure. So I'm going to let the forum have at it. Maybe I'll decide. Hopefully by the time next week rolls around, I'll have decided whether I want to spend $125 to change the color of my baby.

I'm sure there's someone on the forum who will recommend an Etsy shop that has baby Bjorns that have Battlestar Galactica characters on them. It has. I mean, seriously, it has like butterflies embroidered on it. I bet it's obnoxious. Why don't you take a picture of it and allow the people to see what you're talking about? Yeah. Does your wife like it? Well, my wife came up with this idea, actually, because she could tell how much I loved carrying the baby around Papoose style.

And she knew that I was pained by the fact that, I mean, as soon as we got it in the mail, she was like, Jesse, I'm really sorry. My family did this weird thing. They were really sweet, but we ended up with this thing that looks like we bought it from a man who makes hammocks. Cut off all ties with your wife's family. That's all I'm saying to you. Listen to my advice. I have great advice. Cut off all ties with them. Oh, you guys should even I'm saying to you. Listen to my advice. I have great advice.

Cut off all ties with them. Oh, you guys should even change your last name. Change your last name. Ice them. You've got to ice these people. Teach them a lesson. Do you think we should drop out of society? Is that what you're suggesting?

I think you should turn on, tune in, drop out, and then, no, you really should not over this. But you should get another papoose. Right. So you're definitely on board for getting another papoose. Yeah, because this is going to be the next two years of your life. You're going to be walking around looking like a lanyard, which is a word no one knows what I'm talking about. You know how people go to summer camp?

They know about lanyards. I mean, you're going to look like the world's worst abstract expressionist. Yeah. Or another more reference that would be. I don't know what it looks like. So I'm thinking it looks like an ugly, quilty thing. It does look like an ugly, quilty thing. Yeah, and you don't need that in your life. That's like – you know how they say colors affect your mood?

Yeah. They found out that wasn't true. But let's say – no. They don't – you were saying they don't paint the inside of the mental ward orangey pink and then embroider it with butterflies. Yeah, you want to be able – this is going to affect your aura, whatever that is. Sure. And it's also going to – if you do any flirting – I have to align my shixes.

And you're going to do flirting. I'm sorry. I hope your wife doesn't listen to this, but having a baby is a chick magnet. Yeah. It's like having a dog, but even better. Do you have children? No, I don't have children. I got married late in life. Again, I'm old. My wife and I were both

we weren't like, well, my wife's a photographer and I'm a comedian and we have it's like we don't know how much money we're ever going to make and so we have a million excuses why we didn't have children. But we decided at the end that we were just very self-absorbed. Sure.

We said the final thing we said was, who needs the aggravation, is what we said. Right. We'll be back in just a second. I'm George Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Sure. I like it. Whatever that means. It means we're going to make out later, if I'm not mistaken. I thought we were going to do that anyway. But is that from The Glass Menagerie? Yeah.

It seems just generally Southern. I guess I just see you in a straw boater with a bouquet of wildflowers. And you're drunk. Also drunk. And you know when I do play in Southern, when I get parts in Southern things, you know what I play? The Jew. The town Jew. The town Jew. Wait, Andy, are you, do you have a,

aren't you on one of the popular children's television programs? I am on a show called, I play Chancellor Rudy Tutti Tutti on the Wizards of Waverly Place. That's got to be a fun job. This seems like a fun job to me.

You know what's interesting? Never preface anything with you know what's interesting. Here's a hilarious funny story that you will die when you hear it. No. What's interesting is that over-the-top comedy I don't usually like. But now when I'm on this show i love it well i love to go over the top for the kids it's like musical theater nobody wants to watch musical theater but being in musical theater is really fun no you know i love it i auditioned for

a lot of disney channel shows and i've never gotten one but every time i do it i think like god this would be so fun I mean I it's like you know should I go I tell them I can go more over the top if you need I go I have often ended up in a different room realistic I can chew furniture whatever you need I can literally chew

on scenery yeah I can draw I say do you want me to John Lithgow up this scene he's my favorite example of a guy kids love Lithgow so yeah somebody should is it Lithgow I say, do you want me to John Lithgow up this scene? He's my favorite example of a guy. Kids love Lithgow. Yeah, somebody should. Is it Lithgow? I say Lithgow.

That was one of those shows. I say Lithga. Lithga? Remember when Third Rock from the bad guy from Cliffhanger. What was that movie? This is an old Sylvester Stallone movie where he's like a rock climber. You know what's funny? If you're afraid of heights, you remember that movie specifically for its very upsetting trailer.

Yeah. There's like certain movies that just have really upsetting trailers if you're afraid of heights. Because they have that thing where the camera is like going along something and then it goes down. Oh, no. Like that upsets me every time. I don't want that. Sure. And I remember that vividly from Cliffhanger.

I remember it for its tie-in game for the Sega CD. Sure. And those were kind of things like Sega, when people say Sega or they say Nintendo or they say anything in that realm. I don't know what anyone's talking about. The last thing I was familiar with were pinball machines. Sure. That's it. And if I need to do a Pong,

Mrs. Pong reference or whatever that's called. Mrs. Pong. Or if I need to do a, what was the one where the little... The paddle has a little pink bow.

Yeah, it just has a pink bow. Yeah, and what was the one where they would chew up the things? Dig Dug? No, I think you are thinking Pac-Man.

Pac-Man. That's it. What are you people playing, Pac-Man? Hey, can I give you Dig Dug? Yeah, what is that? A good reference for me? Yeah, it's a great... Write that down. That's it. What are you people playing? Pac-Man? Hey, can I give you Dig Dug? Yeah, what is that? A good reference for me?

Yeah, it's a great... Write that down. Dig Dug. It's a good pull. Yeah, isn't that fun? Dig Dug is fun. Can I replace my Smurfs reference with it? No.

Man, not quite. How about my Mighty Morphin? When I was judging the last comic standing, everybody was doing Mighty Morphin Power Ranger references. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers have amazing staying power. They're still on. That's still a thing. It is the, genuinely the most horribly awful. That came to the United States when my middle brother was six or however old the target age is or eight.

Aren't they Transformersers isn't it the same thing no it has some transformerish elements to it i think it's a combination of a lot of different things it's definitely a pastiche it mostly it's mostly involves an ultra man type outfit and live action mighty morphin power was live action and it is so at least the one that i watched when my little brother was eight years old it was it is sincerely as bad as barney it was the only thing that i've ever watched pokemon didn't make it pokemon got invented when my youngest brother was uh that age pokemon doesn't make it to this plateau but it is there with barney in terms of so stunningly spectacularly awful and at least barney has a positive message sure yeah this is not this is bad but well though

aliens are bad right karate will help you with a lot of situations yeah oh so there are a mess well i i thought transformers was a was about electricians when i first when i first came out i recently because because I recently noticed that all the Power Ranger... I was holding that one in for like a minute there. Write that one down. Transformers.

It was about electricians. Really hot shot electricians. Who don't play by the rules. Oh, good, yeah. Don't play by the rules. Write down also that it's sexy. Yeah, sexy. Hey, shouldn't the yellow go to the yellow?

Not in this station house Well, shit Let's do our Let's go to the Jumbotron, shall we? So we have this program, Andy, called the Jumbotron Where we help our listeners Share their important messages Just like the Jumbotron at the ballpark

Do they still exist, the Jumbotron at the ballpark. Do they still exist, the jumbotron, or are they more LCD these days? Plasma screen? HD kiss cam. Sorry. Go ahead. Jordan, you were really holding out for that applause-o-meter.

Like the Robin Williams used to do the applause-o-meter. You can't see me on the audio. But he would do a joke, and then he would do a thing like it was a... What's this called? It's not an LED meter. It's a... Come on.

It's a needle thing. Oh, like a Geiger counter. No, no, no. Before you kids had digital, before you had digital, and you would do audio stuff, you'd have a needle. A needle. Yeah, Geiger counter. Like a Geiger counter. Tom Swift in his flying lab.

What is this called? What is this called when there's a needle? I think it's just called a needle. It's called a meter. A VU meter? I think it's a VU meter. I'm thinking of a Geiger counter, I think. HR Geiger?

Is that what you're thinking of? This week on Geiger counter. Creature creator thinking of? This week on Geiger Counter. Creature creator? Okay. This week on Geiger Counter. Are you getting a reading? No. Can we?

Next week on Geiger Counter. Still waiting. There's no radium or whatever the hell it picks up. In the season finale of Geiger Counter. They... Uh-oh. I think we have something. Okay. first of all

A graphic novel called Buffalo Speedway Is on the Jumbotron this week A comic graphic novel about a pizza delivery driver Pizza delivery drivers on the busiest pizza delivery day ever The day of the OJ Simpson case. It's all about Houston's Turbo Pizza. They're fast. They're furious.

They're fucking your wife. Wait a minute. Yeah, that's what it says. Wow. That's what it says. This sounds like a really sassy comic graphic novel, Jordan. I'm not going to lie to you. Anyway, this graphic novel online, turbopizza.com.

Turbopizza.com. Also, a proper sponsor this week, our friends at fueli.com. Let's just say you're putting a crazy luggage rack, a tie-dyed luggage rack on top of your car. You want to know how it affects your gas mileage. Sure. You're going to want to use fueli.com. Here's how it works, Andy Kindler. Fueli.com.

Fueli.com. I'm the guy who repeats everything. You type in, every time you fill your gas tank, you type in how much gas you put in and your odometer reading. Okay. And then it calculates

and keeps track of your MPGs so you can know when you're doing better or worse and you can actually compete against other people Who have the same kind of car as you To see who can help the earth the most Wow

I'm into that It is for fueling nerds Am I getting paid for any of this? It is for miles per gallon nerds I'm getting excited based on pay Based on potential pay Yeah, that's what I hoped You're earning the goodwill of thousands of Jordan Jesse Golems

Oh, right then Tens earning the goodwill of thousands of Jordan Jesse Goleys. Oh, all right then. Tens of thousands. Tens of thousands? Tens of thousands of Jordan Jesse Goleys. How many hits do you get? How many unique visitors? Tens of thousands

of uniques. We have verticals. Yeah, we've got silos. Are these digital words? Sales pyramids. Yeah, these are just things. What's a silo? I'm not sure.

It's like a vertical. Yeah. And I don't know what a vertical is, so... I think it's where you take one people to another person, like on a sales path. Oh, it's like multi... What's the thing? Multi-level marketing. It's like a pyramid scheme.

No, you're thinking about... It's like Shackley or Amway. Number one, you're thinking of a bunco scheme. Oh, that's right. Yes. Number two, I think it's like when you have the product page and then you click to buy and then it goes in your cart

and then you have the cart page and then you have the pudding in your credit card page and then you have the... I think it's the pudding in your credit card. How many people enjoy credit cards

and enjoy pudding? You might want to try pudding in your credit card. That can really increase your click-throughs. Whoa. I'm telling you. Anyway, Fuley.com.

F-U-E-L-L-Y.com. If you want to be on the Jumbotron, MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to sponsor the show, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. $200 for a commercial message, $100 for a personal message. It's that cheap for the Jumbotron. We'll work out a long-term thing as we do with Fuley, if you like, if you want to email Teresa. All our links on the forum at forum.maximumfund.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Andy Kiddler, Mad for Hire. And that's my DJ voice of the 70s. That's great. Are we in the riff zone? Coming up in a half hour, we'll be giving away some Aerosmith tickets. I listened to something that was so amazing That I really want people to seek it out

It's As you probably know, Jordan, you guys know That Jay-Z and Kanye West made a new album I've heard And Aziz Ansari was in the studio Yeah, exactly, he's friends with Kanye, I guess That's what he says Yep

I want to be friends with Jay-Z and Kanye I know, me too. Seems like fun. We're charming. Yeah, why can't we be in there? We're fun. Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. So they premiered their single, Otis, a couple of months ago, and they gave it to, maybe

six weeks ago, they gave it to Funkmaster Flex, the legendary New York hip-hop radio DJ, famous for dropping bombs on things. What does that mean? Like he doesn't like it? He hasn't. No, it means that it's like a Funkmaster Flex exclusive so nobody can record it from the radio and then rerun it on their own show.

It's just like a punctuation. This single Otis is what? Three and a half minutes long, probably. Maybe four. And I listened to a recording of Funkmaster Flex premiering this song on his show. It is just this one song. 30 minutes long. 30 minutes.

Is Otis the Otis song? He'll play. He plays like 10 seconds of it and then he just yells at you for not being ready to listen to it not being pumped enough and then he drops some bombs and then he makes it plays the rewind sound and he runs it back he'll play like one part he played at one point at one point he just yells just the most marvelous thing, which is he goes like, We're premiering the new Jay-Z Kanye song right now. Hot 97. If you are in or near any type of convenience store, 7-Eleven or other 24-hour store,

go in and put your hand in the cash register. Take the money. It is yours right now. Oh, man. That's funny. It is absolutely amazing, this thing. It is the most absurd thing I've ever heard on the radio.

It is even more absurd than British hip-hop DJ Tim Westwood, who does very similar things but with a ridiculous English accent. Is it as ridiculous as suggesting that Playboy turns men gay? Yes, it is but it is so wonderful

it's so infused with joie de vivre that you should really seek it out it's one of the most delightful it's one of the most delightful things I've heard on the radio since that one time like five years ago, Tracy Morgan went on that sports talk show and he just talked nonsense for half an hour straight,

but he wasn't insulting. It wasn't insulting nonsense. It was no, it was no, no, nothing about gays. He did yell. Fantasia can't read referring to American idol winner.

Fantasia. Um, also I want to, I want to make clear before we wrap this up that I did look up Bunko. Bunko is just synonymous with a flim flam or a cheat or a con or... You know what I'm talking about. So maybe it's one of those words that the criminals use to throw off the regular people.

Yeah, yeah. You're ready to do a bunco? Yeah, well, you're... Maybe, was that what my mom was doing when she was going to bunco night at Garlas? There's a list here. A confidence trick is also known as a con game, con, scam, grift, hustle, bungo, swindle,

flim flam, gaffle, or bamboozle. It's pretty thorough. It's very thorough. Exhaustive. Andy Kindler, by the way, is going to be this month, the 25th through 27th. That's Friday through Sunday, Thursday through Saturday. Beautiful. He's going to be in Las Vegas at the Playboy Comedy Lounge At the Palms

Careful not to get gay While you're there Yeah that's right I hope I don't Do you have to wear bunny ears And a tail And fishnets I'm so scared now

Because of this whole gay thing Yeah I don't know if I may stay away Are you ready for the gay lifestyle You're also starring In the Playboy Club Coming up this fall On NBC right

I'm not at liberty to divulge. Sure. It will be recurring. He's also going to be at the Punchline Comedy Club in San Francisco on September 13th and 14th. You can find links to buy tickets at andykindler.com. And I just want to say to people out there, look, we live in Los Angeles. We're spoiled silly. We have to go see Andy kindler practically whenever we want if andy kindler comes to your town and you miss it

you know fuck you you know go go fucking go go turn your car on and close your garage as far as i'm concerned it's crazy how could you not you're a mad you're a fucking madman. You might as well, you might as well be catching fish with your hands and eating them like a grizzly bear does, standing in a river. That's how fucking crazy you are. If Andy Kindler comes to your town, you don't go fucking see that show. Hey, Las Vegas, what do you have better to do? Eat at a buffet? Yeah, they closed the Liberace Museum. Hey, San Francisco. News Hey, Las Vegas, what do you have better to do? Eat at a buffet? Yeah, they closed the Liberace Museum. Hey, San Francisco.

News alert, Las Vegas. Hey, San Francisco, what do you have better to do? Ride a cable car? Take your penis out of that butt, San Francisco. Hey, wait.

I'm not sure that we're drawing people to the show. I'm sorry. We're being cruel. I'm just kidding. I was playing the bad cop. Oh. I was playing the bad cop. Oh.

I was playing the comic who's afraid that you're alienating my audience. Oh, please be nice to the people. But in sincerity, you really can't have a lot more fun than you can have Andy Kindler. You're overselling it now. Complaining about the joke he just made. Yeah, and then talking about that. Complaining about the joke he just made. Yeahaining about his complaint about the joke he just made. Yeah, I'm going to say, and also in Vegas.

I'll be in Vegas. Feeling self-conscious, lapsing into a Jay Leno voice. Talking about Lenny Bruce's experiences in Vegas. This is as much fun as you can have, so do it. If you want to keep track of when he's coming to your town, he's on the tweeters at Andy Kindler. I am. I'm a Twitter maven or a mensch. No calls this week, by the way.

Our intern, Paolo, taking the week off. I had some family business to attend to. But 206-9A44-FUN is our telephone number. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org, our email address. MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron or email Teresa at MaximumFun.org if you want to sponsor the show. You can donate at MaximumFun.org slash donate. Our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design, and Light in the Attic Records. That's all I got.

I like that. I kind of like a fade out like that. Andy Kindler. We're going to leave you hanging. We're not anymore. Oh, you know what, folks? Close out your own show. Look, why does everything have to have a discreet end?

Why do we have to wrap it up into a nice package for you? Why can't you end the show yourself? Why can't you transition back into your life without us saying, so from all of us to all of you, for everything that you do, or have a catchphrase. Like, until next week, it's still this week. You, in your life, should be able to wrap up your various time periods. You know how they say everything has to have a beginning and a middle and an end? I say no.

Everything has to have a beginning and a middle and an end. I say no. Everything has to have a beginning and a middle and then keep going. Alright? I'm not comfortable with having to end something for you people.