Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 192: Cool Papa Bell with Rob Huebel

Episode Date: September 18, 2011

Rob Huebel from Childrens' Hospital, Mike Detective and The Human Giant joins us to talk about dogs, NASCAR, Tyrese and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, Go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, Jesse, go.

Rob Hubel manages to warp some talk about adopting dogs into dog sex talk. You've been warned. Let's go. The program is Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm the host of the program, Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris, boy detective Getting hot again here in Los Angeles, Jordan I do not care for it

Um, I'm sorry My condolences Thank you Fuck off I'm headed to Baltimore Yeah Fuck this noise Yeah, you can hang out with John Waters

Have you ever said Layer Fuck this noise, It's really satisfying. Like, it's something that pretty much only dicks would say, but it feels really good. That's why they say it. Here's what I have been dying to say, and I just can't. It never occurs to me when it's

appropriate to say it. I would really love to say it at some point. Oh, do you want to introduce our guest? This may be fertile. No, no, no, no, no, no. You guys do your thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Please, don't talk, no. You guys do your thing. Oh, please. Don't talk, Rob. You're just sort of a muse for us. When we bring in guests on Jordan, Jesse,

we ask that they not get involved in the program. I have a lot of opinions about fuck this noise. That's what I was thinking. I wanted to get in on this and you guys were shutting me out. It's the topic of one of your classic rants. You know him from, what are we looking at? The Human Giant, The Office. We're talking about the current program, Children's the topic of one of your classic rants. You know him from, what are we looking at? The Human Giant, The Office.

We're talking about the current program, Children's Hospital. That's one of the funniest shows that there is. He's, of course, nominated for multiple Emmys. So many. And we're recording this on the day of the Emmy, so thanks for blowing that shit off. No, no, no, I didn't. I mean, as you can see, I'm dressed up and I'm ready to go.

There has been a little bit of confusion. I should say you're Rob Pueblo. Oh, thank you. From Children's Hospital, Lake Bell, everyone. I'm still not clear whether or not I've been nominated for an Emmy. I'm waiting for the call. I wouldn't know if I was nominated. I think that they call you like the day of. So I'm already dressed up. I'm waiting for the call. I wouldn't know if I was nominated. I think that they call you the day of,

so I'm already dressed up. I'm ready to go. We actually were nominated for, and I'm not trying to brag or anything, but Jordan and I worked on an IFC show called The Grid this past year. Wait a second. And we were nominated for... The Independent Film Channel.

It's kind of a classy... I know the channel. And we hung out with Parker Posey a lot. Let's put it that way. Sure. You dropped something here. We were nominated for 15 Emmys. 15?

15 Emmys. They were all technical. Yeah. Those don't count. Most Embarrassing Costume was one of them. Wow. Those don't count. Most embarrassing costume was one of them.

Wow. Most walk-ons by local comedians being paid $150. That sounds like a pretty good award to get. Yeah, seamless branded content. Yeah, well, Paul Scheer went to the Creative Arts Emmys last week. He presented something, and he won't shut up about it. He keeps talking about it. And I'm like, Scheer, that doesn't fucking count. It's not the Emmys last week. He presented something and he won't shut up about it. He keeps talking about it. And I'm like, sure.

That doesn't fucking count. It's not the Emmys. He's like, you know, I was a presenter at the Emmys. I'm like, no, no one watches.

It's like, it's might stream on someone's blog or something. It's like, no one. Right. It's at the airport. Mary. Yeah.

No one is watching that. Sure. Anyway, we declined the Emmys. So I just want you to know what's going on in Rwanda. Yeah. We thought it would be tasteless to accept Emmys. Yeah.

I also think, you know, I just want to give Mad Men a chance. That's a good idea. We believe in it. If I get a call this afternoon and they say, hey, Rob Hubel, think Children's Hospital is great. A lot of people on that show, a shitload of people on that show, like about 12 people. We could have nominated them, but we picked you. I'm ready. I mean, I'm going to go.

I've already got my speech memorized. I don't even know if they do 15-minute shows in the Emmys, but if they don't, they're fucking kidding themselves. Right. There's a lot of those. That's where it's going. Right. If you want to know where entertainment's going, you've got to follow the old watchword. You've got to.

Follow the Fonz. Follow the Fonz, man. Do you think you could also be nominated for, is there an Emmy category best host of a TV show within a TV show? Then you might could win for Milf Island. That would be great. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

You really IMDb'd me. Oh, I sure did. I just saw Milf Island the other day. I got so bored. It was the show within 30 rocks. Yeah, I got so bored watching actual television shows that I decided to watch other television shows that I'd already seen, and I happened to watch the Milf Island episode,

and I thought, oh, man, there goes Rob Hubel. He's great. Well, they made T-shirts for that that NBC sold on their website that said MILF Island. And I wanted one so bad, but I couldn't wear it around. I really wanted that or a coffee mug or something. You wanted it for posterity. Yeah, for my grandkids and their grandkids. I know this hasn't been on 30 Rock for a while, but do you still keep in touch with the MILFs?

Oh, yeah, yeah. We're all great, great friends. Great group of ladies. A lot of pranks on the set. So many pranks. One time, one of the MILFs, she took a thing of saran wrap and she put it over the toilet seat so that when I pee into the toilet, it just splatters everywhere. Those are the sorts of pranks that the MILFs are... It's not work. It's so much fun. One time are the sorts of pranks that the Melfs are... It's not work, you know?

It's not like... It's so much fun. One time, just speaking of pranks, one time Jordan snuck into my house at night, and he took some saran wrap and put it over my face while I was sleeping. And then I pissed on his face, and it splashed on me. That's just good old fun, though. Yeah. Yeah.

That's terrifying. It's just fun. We just have fun here. One time I was dating, I mean you want to talk about pranks, I can talk about pranks. Oh yeah. I was dating a girl and we've been going out for a while and we went to see that movie The Ring. Sure.

It was a long time ago. And then we were asleep that night and I woke up in the middle of the night and she had put on, she had long black hair and she'd combed all of her hair forward and put on like this white coat and had a flashlight under her face so that she looked exactly like the girl in there and she was standing over me in bed just standing there waiting for me to wake up how long was she just standing motion hours probably but but she got me i mean i did she have to did she have to give you like three or four glasses of water before you went to bed to ensure? Well, the joke was on her because I woke up and punched her.

You know, just instinctively. Right. Kapow. I thought it was the girl from The Ring. You've confused how to deal with a ghost and how to deal with a shark. You're not supposed to just punch ghosts right in the face. That's how I hyperextended my shoulder. Ghost punching?

Yeah. in the face. That's how I hyper-extended my shoulder. Ghost punching? Yeah. I saw recently some video on the internet, so it's got to be true, of people going up to sharks and they just rub their sides of them and they

go to sleep. Have you ever seen a crocodile? They just turn over. I've got to tell you that any animal where you can rub some part of it and and goes to sleep is one of god's greatest gifts it's such a beautiful thing are these deadly is this a shark yeah these are like great whites yeah power sharks yeah yeah sure these are the big dogs and you just go up to them and you just give them a little rub-a-dub on the side and they're just like don't shark

won't they die in the um i think they just go to sleep for like a you know a couple minutes okay we should explain with regard to that sound effect that when sharks sleep they also smoke a bubble pipe yeah they go yeah yeah underwater we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go Love you, love you Love you, love you Love you, love you Love you, love you It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Rob Hubel, animal lover.

I should say before we start this next conversation, the thing that I've always, the thing that I've been kind of trying to remind myself to say in various situations, I would really like to say this in casual conversation. Is this going to be racist? Yes. I would really like to say this in casual conversation. Is this going to be racist? Yes. I hate gooks. What? No. I'm not here for a long time. I'm here for a good time. Wouldn't that be kind of cool to say?

You make a cool t-shirt. In what situation would you say that? Ideally, when I'm... Handjob. I say that to the handjob giver. Ideally, I I'm... Hand job. Yeah, right. I say that to the hand job giver. Yeah.

I mean, ideally, I'd be overseas, and I'd meet an exotic foreign woman. Oh, and she would say... And she was like, will you marry me? And you would say... I'm not here for a long time. I'm here for a good time. Wow. Well, that's a very specific situation.

Yeah. I mean, I hope it comes up. Thank you. It may not ever come up. It might not. Or what about a barn raising that you brought a keg to oh yeah that sure that happens absolutely yeah that's probably more likely i was just at one of those yeah that happens a lot amish kegger yeah yeah you go you don't want people to

have you don't want to have to fucking build shit when you're super wasted i'm not gonna work when i'm wasted yeah i just want to have a good a good time Not here for a long time That's pretty good That's fun Jordan Do you think we can get it out there? It's not a phrase I invented I should say that I think it's something that A shit kicker kind of guy says

Jordan we don't have to have invented it We're like Carlos Mencia We make it our own If it doesn't, if it works for us better than it works for you, you just got owned. Yeah. You own it. It's yours. Yeah. Okay. Well, yeah, I'm, I'm going to, I'm going to try and say it. I'm going to try this next week between this week and our next podcast. I'm going to try and say it. Oh, one thing before we start the next conversation and we are going to start it.

Yeah. I wanted to have, boy, are we ever, I wanted to have a quick moment of silence. Sure. Right. Um, so that just always good in an audio format. I just want to have a quick moment of silence so everybody can think about all the bad shit they did this week that they feel bad about. Okay.

Fair enough. You should not have. Oh boy. Oh boy. Okay. Yeah. Good. good job taking care of can i just have a quick moment of silence before we start the conversation for yeah just before we get things kicked off great if i could just have a quick moment of silence for uh the headphones that you're listening to right now that are about to crap out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something's wrong with my headphones.

They're making dogs. Two hours of dogs working. In the distance, though. Not even that close up. Can I ask a dog? I want to ask a dog-related question. Is this about my dog? It's related to your dog.

It is related to your dog. So I have two dogs. Yeah. Coco and Sissy. This sounds like this is going to be about your dogs Name dropper And I seen a picture on the internet

I was reading an internet blog Oh boy And I seen a picture of the internet These are like little scruffy dogs It was my favorite kind of dog And I seen a picture on the internet And Coco is a brown dog And Sissy is like a golden colored dog and i seen a picture on the internet of like and coco is a brown dog and sissy is like a golden colored dog and i saw a picture of like a cinnamony colored dog that otherwise

looked like my two dogs yeah and i thought it looked like it would make a set with my other two dogs and also it was abandoned and they had to bring it to the dog shelter yeah the people who found it brought it to the dog shelter. And you know what happens to dogs at dog shelters. It's bad news. They go to sleep. They don't get it. They go to sleep.

And so I was like... And what they say about dog heaven, greatly exaggerated. Yeah. Not that great. Not that great. Not that great. And I wanted to adopt this dog. And so I thought, instead of just adopting this dog, because I already have two dogs,

I'll send it to my wife because she's taking care of this baby all the time. You know, I am too, but she's... Mainly your wife. Yeah, she's the mom. It's her boob that's in the baby's mouth, not your boob. Exactly. And so she'll just put the kibosh on it because it's ridiculous. So you emailed her the picture.

That we would adopt a stray dog, a third dog, when we all just had a baby. It's absurd. So she'll put the kibosh on it. What I forgot is that the things that happen to your body when you have a baby don't make you focus on never having any other things to take care of. Yeah. Instead, quite the opposite. You're programmed to nurture. They make you want to nurture everything in the world.

He's like, I'm going to breastfeed anything. Anybody. If you go out for a light stroll, you just spend all day picking up litter. Yeah. And so my wife's response to me sending her this picture was just, oh, yeah, let's get it. Let's get it. Yeah, let's get it. Well, here's my suggestion.

I would make sure that the dog does not like babies. Right. Because then you... That way we can get rid of the baby. Yeah, you bring the dog in here and then you just... And then you let them figure it out. You let them decide who's going to stick around. Right.

Who's going to be the leader of the pack. Yeah, exactly. And that baby will figure out right away whether he's alpha or not but you picked rob if i'm not mistaken because if i remember this correctly yeah your dog that lives at your house yeah just came from a dog that like showed up at your door one day yeah well he was he wasn't really at my door but he was running through traffic in la and uh it was on valentine's day and i was oh god i'm gonna tell the story i was all alone i was all alone nobody loves me just looking for a dog to marry looking for a dog looking for a dog to fuck and

uh so he was running through traffic over in Koreatown on Western. And it was late at night. It was like 1 in the morning. And I was all alone. Nobody loves me. And so, yeah. And he was all skinny and crazy. So I pulled over.

And he's a German. He's like, the moon landing was a fake. He's literally crazy. Yeah, he has a lot of wild conspiracy theories 9-11 was an inside job Steel doesn't melt at that temperature All of those things And he talks, he does talk

He's actually more intelligent Than a normal dog He just uses that intelligence To do voices He sounds like me when I'm alone no well he um but so he's a german shepherd and he's really big and he was intimidating and i thought well this dog's probably gonna attack me but uh but i pulled my car over and um started talking to him for a while and he just like lay down in the middle of the street and he was really tired and dehydrated so i thought well

let's take him home and give him some food and some water and uh yes i took him home and i've had him for you know almost a year and a half and you i because i remember when you found this dog i mean you were leveraging your the full force of your minor celebrity and social media stardom to find to find his owner like it wasn't like you just were like, I'm just going to keep this German shepherd. I just felt really guilty because he's so awesome. And he's like, you know, he's like a full blown, you know, he belonged to somebody or he failed out of like cop school or something. Is that what they do?

Yeah. Sometimes they kick him off the force. He had a drinking problem. He showed up to basic training. It's sort of like what they do with homeless people. They just drop them off on Skid Row in the middle of the night outside the hospital this dog he you know he could have done something but he could have shot his partner he could have done anything blown taking cocaine out of the evidence yeah exactly exactly and so he got kicked off the

force i imagine and had nowhere to go so now he lives with me but yeah he's he's really cool and but i just felt you're right about that i just felt guilty for a long time because he was such a good dog and i thought well somebody's got to be missing this dog so i tried to put the word out there and everybody said fuck you it's hard it's hard to know whether you can even pick up a dog off the street yeah i mean i i know you know i grew up in in san francisco and i don't think in you, 20 years of living in San Francisco, I saw just a miscellaneous dog running down the street. But here in Los Angeles, I see dogs, just miscellaneous dogs running down the street once a month. Yeah. Well, someone told me a lot of people actually have said that, like, because of the economy, a lot of people just, you know, they get kicked out of they have to move out of their house into an apartment and that apartment won't take dogs. So they literally just turn their dogs loose.

And I think there's also, I mean, I know at the very least in this neighborhood, there's what you might call a third world perspective on dog ownership. Sure, sure. Which is to say people are very comfortable with the idea of having a dog that has no collar, no tags. And you see him once a month he runs around the neighborhood right he's your dog in theory yeah uh isn't that what happened to isn't that kind of what happened to camille nangiani with cats didn't someone just yeah move out of the house and leave

like three cats yeah and i and so what happens is and especially around here like there are just these just these people who have i'm not to say what ethnicity these people are, but they have chihuahuas that are just running around the streets and they're not there. Black people love chihuahuas. Brazilians. And it just like every time, it didn't ever come up in my life. It didn't never come up in my life as a, before I was a dog owner. Like it just wasn't part of my experience because I lived in San Francisco, a city that apparently has much better animal care and control than Los

Angeles does, or just a culture of not letting dogs out on the street and run all over. Yeah. And so I had this expectation that if you see a dog on the street, it's somebody's dog that like dug out of their backyard or something like that. And so I want to save every dog I see. But what I then realize is this is just somebody's dog.

And so I don't know what to do. It's so terrifying. Well, you got to harden your heart. You got to get a little cold-hearted, buddy. You can't be. You're like my mom. My mom is the savior of all animals. I just deleted this

Message on my phone My mom was driving Somewhere Where does she live? She lives in South Carolina But she was driving Down the highway And we grew up

Like whenever we were Driving down the highway And we saw just roadkill My mom would We would pull over And go and like Make sure the animal Was dead

You know like That's how much my mom Proper burial Yeah Contacted its next of kin Yeah But you literally Would have to rent A naval destroyer so that it could have the burial at sea that it deserved.

Yeah, we would fire them out of a cannon. You would make a montage of all its... Yeah, we'd make a video montage of all of their friends and their own. You only had... Three days time of your life in the background. As a family, three guns. That means you have to hire 18 gunners. Yeah, this was all very time-consuming.

Yeah, sure. And it's probably one of the reasons my parents got divorced. Your mom was spending all this time and money on animal funerals. But so she called me the day, and she's like, hey, how's it going? I just want to say I'm going to see so-and-so. Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, God.

Oh, no. Is he dead? Oh, I don't know if he's dead. Sorry, Rob. There's, oh, I just, I was, I think it was a cat. It was just so much blood. Oh, oh, God. Oh, I think, oh, I hope he's dead.

What do you think its name was? Yeah. I don't know, Mom. She just cannot drive around with, you know, without, without getting consumed by that. Having an empathy blast. When I see someone just walking around in my neighborhood, which is a neighborhood that, you know, my street is relatively quiet,

but this is an urban area. Yeah. People will just walk around with their dog off-leash, their chihuahua specifically, and I just want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them. Yeah. I just want to shake them.

I wouldn't do that in this neighborhood. Like, what the fuck? You'll get... There's just cars fucking cruising down the street 45 miles an hour. You know what a funny prank is to play on your dog? I've been doing this a lot to my dog. Dress up like the ghost from The Ring. Yeah.

Dogs love that movie. My dog loves The Ring. No, sometimes, like, my dog will go out, and then when he comes back in the house, I've covered myself in fake blood, and I'm in the middle of the floor like I've been murdered. And I'll just lie there for hours. And he's just like, oh, God. Oh, what do I do? I always wonder like how long it would take your pet to start eating you.

Five minutes. Yeah. Does he ever start to eat you and you're like, hey, dick. Yeah, my dog would eat me literally in five minutes. Yeah. Does he ever start to eat you and you're like, hey, dick? Yeah, my dog would eat me literally in five minutes. But that's the other thing about your dog is, like, the dogs that I'm chasing around Mount Washington and Highland Park are generally chihuahuas. And I do. I do. Like, if I see one, I have to pull over.

And if it, like, runs somewhere, like to a house or something. This happened to me one time. Did I talk about this on the show in Silver Lake when I found that dog just running in the street and I sort of like corralled it and followed it back to its house and what I assumed must be its house because it kind of wanted to go there

and the door was open. This sounds like a movie. This is like Beverly Hills Chihuahua or something. And the dog went in there and I was kind of standing around trying to figure out what to do. And this jogger, just sort of like a yuppie guy, came back and he's like, oh, hey. Because I was standing in his yard. And I'm like, hey, do you have a dog?

Do you have like a golden retriever? And he's like, yeah. And I'm like, oh, I found it in the street. It was running, dashing between cars in the street down the block. And he's like, oh, thanks. And I'm like, oh, I found it in the street. It was running, dashing between cars in the street down the block. And he's like, oh, thanks. And I was like, what? That's it? That's it?

You left your fucking, you left the house and somehow left your door open? Yeah. Well, well, one time that happened, I was on the flip side of that. And, uh, and the, um, my dog got out and, uh, and, and I was walking somewhere. So I was only a few blocks away, but he has a collar on. And so these people called me, and they said, you know, we found your dog. And he was trying to follow me. I was walking around the neighborhood, and he was trying to follow me.

And I was so glad. I mean, because anyone could have taken him. So I actually sucked their dicks. Yeah, sure. And why wouldn't you? Thank you so much. And it was like a basketball team. It was like 14, 15 guys. I actually sucked their dicks. Yeah, sure. And why wouldn't you? Thank you so much. And it was like a basketball team.

It was like 14, 15 guys that found my dog. So I had to like... So that's a tall task. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I spent like 15, 20 minutes sucking the dicks of all these guys. Sure. I mean, that's... Oh, wait. Are we recording this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Bleep. So you should probably... Just go back and... Bleep basketball? Yeah, bleep basketball. Can we go back and just say it was a hockey team?

Just because it doesn't sound as gross. But Rob, your dog is a German Shepherd, which is kind of a scary dog. Yeah. Or could be kind of a scary dog. Well, he is scary to a lot of people, but these people must have been dog fans, you know. And he's actually very friendly. Was he scary when you met him? Yeah, he was pretty scary.

I was scared the first time I met him because he's a stray dog and you don't ever know what they're going to do. Right. But one thing, he had an iPhone and he was checking his email. So right away I was like, oh, well, he seems like a cool dog. Right. He's got it together enough to where he can pay for a data plan. Yeah, exactly. He's not just looking at porn at the library. No, no, no. He's not some like a cool dog. Right. He's got it together enough to where he can pay for a data plan. Yeah, exactly.

He's not just looking at porn at the library. No, no, no. He's not some fucking weirdo dog. He's like a cool... He doesn't have a 7-Eleven cell phone. No, no, no. Not one of those pay-as-you-go plans. No, this is like a cool dog.

He has his shit together. So I knew that even though he was kind of scary, he might be the dog for me. Do you think your dog would murder an intruder um if by murder you mean penetrate with his lipstick he because he i will say he's a real rapist well the first thing i had i had my dog neutered like day one and uh but that somehow has made him more horny. Like his wiener comes out. Well, he was so afraid of getting pregnant. Yeah. He was afraid of getting another dog pregnant.

Yeah, so now he's like, well, now I can do this one. I don't have to wear a condom. Yeah. A dog condom. His wiener comes out all the time. Wow. Like all the time. I guess I was under the impression that when you needed a dog, their dog lipstick goes away.

Well, that's what you thought. I don't know a lot about that. Well, you know, they don't chop off the lipstick or anything. That's the, that's the valuable part. But,

um, but it seems like it would decrease their libido, but it didn't in my dog. And so if an intruder came in, I think what he would do is offer them a drink, maybe some white wine, something like that. Probably put on some,

some soft music and then just go to town. Just like... But it sounds like as romantic as a doggone human rape can be. Yeah, yeah. It's not like... It's not a jokey... It's not like you... And he wouldn't even do it doggy style.

He's not one of those jokey doggone human rapes. He wouldn't even do it doggy style. He'd probably do like, you know, cowgirl. Reverse cowgirl. Oh, sure. Well, you see, yeah, he's sexually adventurous. You gotta keep things do like you know cowgirl reverse cowgirl oh sure well you see yeah he's sexually adventurous you gotta keep things fresh you know in the bedroom you know on the side on his side on their side sure there was a dog incorporate some costumes some role play some

pageantry he would dress up as a human and dress them up as a dog there was a dog in my dog class when we were training Coco, who was, he was in his second dog class. So he was, he was second time through. Yeah. And I think. He failed the first one. I think he had been a. He killed a guy at the first graduation. So it's like you, so I didn't give him the diploma.

You got to take it again. He, he was, he was a good dog and he was one of those kind of rescue dogs that had originally been the kind of dog that like bad people bred by feeding one dog battery acid and then tying barbed wire around another dog and then pushing them together until a baby came out yeah um and so he was a big scary dog but really good you know like a like a sort of short hair kind of pit bully kind of dog and he would sit so patient like whenever anything wasn't going on he would sit down in front of his owner and like lock eyes with his owner and then he would get a dog bone yeah that's what my dog would just come out and it was fluorescent yeah just it would just emerge and the he would get a dog bone. Yeah, that's what my dog does. It would just come out and it was fluorescent.

Yeah. It would just emerge and the dog would be sitting perfectly still being as good as a terrifying dog could possibly be and then it would just be like... Yeah. It's like old time burlesque music. Yeah. Sometimes I'll get out of the shower and I shower totally nude.

You know, I'm not wearing anything in the shower. No hangups with old Rob Hubel. You are a free spirit. I'm talking about not a stitch. And I get out of the shower and my dog will be sitting there in the bathroom just with like a really weird look on his face. Right. Oh, hello. Hey. Hey. Hey. And my dog will be sitting there in the bathroom just with like a really weird look on his face. Right. Oh, hello.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Yeah. I guess I, being the owner of a female cat, I don't have to deal with any of this. Why don't you kill yourself? Because she's so cute. Oh, boy. Who would be my princess's daddy if I killed myself?

She doesn't even know your fucking name. She does. She's my daddy's little angel. Oh, brother. That's her name? Yes. I thought it was Jordan. DLA.

For short. Sorry, Jordan. But I feel like she doesn't... I feel like she's missing out on something. I don't feel like she has a sexuality. Oh. You know, maybe... Her sexuality...

There's a part of her life that's missing. Her box got cut off. Yeah. Well, have you tried feline massage? No, maybe. Her sexuality. There's a part of her life that's missing. Her box got cut off. Yeah. Well, have you tried feline massage? No, maybe I should. Is this like an oriental thing? Well, that's not an appropriate term, first of all. But you, yeah, what you do is you gently, you shave off all their fur, first of all.

So they're completely hairless. And you just lather them up with some sort of baby oil or sunscreen or something like that okay you just slowly massage them and uh sometimes that engages their sexuality okay starts to physically arouse them yeah we're not recording this are we no no no no okay oh you know let's let's just change that to hockey team yeah put that on hockey hockey team we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart, Jordan Morris, boy detective, Rob people, celebrity hairstylist. You do have quite the style there. It'd be fun to go around and just make up names for ourselves. Like,

you know, monikers for us ourselves why do you think we started a show just so you can introduce yourself as america's radio sweetheart yeah what what what how do people react to that when negatively strongly negative they're like fuck you they they seem to think that i you're not garrison keeler is what they yell at you i get emails that say that it's usually ira glass i It's usually Ira Glass. I would say that I have gotten at least five emails that said specifically America's real radio sweetheart is Ira Glass. I like that they're just imposing that opinion on you. They're like, no, but this opinion is widely held.

I think it's really fun to claim stuff like that, just superlatives. I've done some web videos, not to brag, but where I'll call myself an Emmy nominee. Someone's getting pissed off. No, you're not.

You've really been nominated for several Cable Ace Awards. So many Cable Ace Awards. Blockbuster Entertainment Award. You got two of those. I'm going to the Redbox Awards. You know those? It's presented by the homeless guys that hang out near the Redbox.

Yeah, and it's actually at 7-Eleven. It's in the parking lot. The winner gets as many Go-Go Taquitos as they can shove in their pocket. Sure. Yeah, it's's gonna be nice um jordan i want to ask you about this cultural experience that you had over the weekend very significant you came in here you were sitting in my living room and you just casually mentioned i was complaining about the fact that after a few days of looking like it was going to be fall summer was returning in los angeles and you were like oh i was in chicago this

weekend and i was like oh what, I was in Chicago this weekend. And I was like, oh, what was it like in Chicago? You said, oh, it's cool. And I said, it's nice to visit somewhere where it's fall. Where they have seasons. Yeah, exactly. And then you said, oh, I was there for a NASCAR event. What a redneck.

Yeah, I know. I'm just a good old boy. You're a piece of trash. Sarah Palin, American flag. Is there a Sarah Palin race car? That would be smart. Oh, it's her face is on it. But I guess Chicago is maybe not quite accurate.

I guess we flew into Chicago, but this NASCAR thing was... And then you drove 12 hours to Orlando. Yes, exactly. Well, we drove into somewhere else in Illinois. I think I kept calling it Aurora, Illinois, but that's where Wayne's World is set. That's what I kept calling it. Is there it Aurora, Illinois, but that's where Wayne's World is set. That's what I kept calling it. Is there an Aurora, Illinois, or is that made up for Wayne's World? I think there is a real Aurora, Illinois.

I'm not sure. No way to find out, really. Yeah, it's impossible to know. Anyway, so it was somewhere far away from Chicago, but without a closer airport. And why did you go there? You flew all the way from California. I work for Fuel TV. Oh, brother.

There we go. So they sent you there to watch NASCAR. Well, yeah. There was a cross-promotional event. They were to celebrate the release of Fast Five on DVD. You son of a bitch. Some of the Fast Five people were there. Tyrese sung the national anthem.

Did he really? He did, yeah. Wow. Because who do NASCAR fans want to see more than Tyrese? Well, the crossover audience between NASCAR and Baby Boy is so huge. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's a natural.

So who else was there from Fast Five? It was Tyrese and Jordana Brewster. Who is Jordana Brewster? She's the hot girl in it. I thought there was a couple hot girls. Well, there's a shitload of hot girls. She's the one who... She's like the main...

She's Paul Walker's girlfriend. Okay, sure. By the way, fast five. Which one is Paul Walker, by the way? He is the... He's the white guy. He's the guy that does all the great acting. Okay.

Right. The guy who's had that bad stuff happen to his dad Or with his dad I don't know about that With Vin Diesel Yes, we're thinking of the same guy When they have the beers The beers and contemplation

The white guy That movie by the way I'm not being paid to say this I don't know whether you guys are being paid to mention this movie But I watched it in a hotel room And probably We're not being paid. I'm not being paid to say this. I don't know whether you guys are being paid to mention this movie, but I watched it in a hotel room and probably masturbated three or four times. It's a great, great. This has actually come up a lot on the show.

I think we probably have the same feelings. Yeah, it's great. It's also like four hours long. It's very long. Yeah, a lot of stuff happens where you think they're building towards a climax, but then there's an additional act. Yeah, yeah. Like, it's basically a six-act film. Sure.

Shakespearean, in some way. So what was the NASCAR experience? Yeah, so I had never been to one before. Why would you? Sure. I thought maybe, like, oh, maybe this is... Because, Rob, I'm not a sports fan. Sure.

But I like going to sporting events. If someone can kind of explain to me what the drama is and kind of how the game is played. You like to take ecstasy and go to stadiums. Sure, exactly. But, yeah. Get your rub on. But I did not come away with an appreciation for NASCAR. I still don't understand it.

Did you have good seats? Were you in the middle? Were you... We were kind of... we were in the pit. We were like, we were in the... I mean, I was in a more exciting place than people who had paid to be there.

Jordan, I think the secret to understanding NASCAR is something called drafting. That's where you're in this little tiny car and you have to try really hard not to fart because you have to drive around for like four hours. And then if the pit crew, when you stop to change your tire if they open the door and get a waft of your fart you're gonna catch shit for it well also that can cause those invisible fires on your crew you know have you ever seen when those guys catch on fire you know

like it's and you can't see the flames but it's there but those that's when a fart is burning them it's like oh no right You don't know what's happening. It's like someone caught on fire with a fart. Anyway, it's too late now to explain this whole thing to you, I guess. But here are the funny things that happened at this NASCAR thing. Racism. Some hilarious racism against Tyrese. Oh, so this first funny thing involves Tyrese.

So we're kind of waiting in the press area for him to come in. And he kind of rolls in with the giant entourage. And just comes in and starts high-fiving everybody. The cast from Entourage? No. Like Turtle? No, just some other guys. Okay.

He came with Black Turtle. The cast of Entourage actually applied to be in his Entourage, but they didn't make the cut. Yeah, once they heard that this was the last season, they started sending out resumes. So he rolls in. So me and my camera guy just have cups of coffee, and he looks at me, points, gives me a high five. He's like, what are you guys drinking there? Coffee? He's like, points, gives me a high five. He's like, what are you guys drinking there? I was like, coffee? He's like, yeah, coffee.

And he turns to his entourage and he's like, that's what I call wakey, wakey juice. What? And then they all laughed. What? Wouldn't that be great to, like, have to, like, that? Were you rolling? Is there video footage of that? No, I loved it, too. I'm like, yeah.

I don't know. Well, we should say that i mean for those out there who haven't seen fast five or there is too furious there's no doubt that tyree is the breakout star of this film he's the one person in this movie who is as good as a performer as the rest of the movie is at being fun yeah like tyrese is great in fast five you can say the other fast movie he was in too fast too furious i think also that is a worse movie like that is that movie isn't even that fun but he's great in it yeah he's tremendous i just don't want people to think that we're anti-tyrese no i can talk your ear off about death race remake tyrese is great sure i think

we've all been on the receiving end of that particular fire hose. This is a really dumb question. Please don't make fun of me and all the people. Please don't write letters to Jesse about this. But was he a singer at some point before? He was originally a model. Oh. He started as a model. Me too.

So we were in the same game. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. So you would know him from those RL campaigns you did together Why was he singing the national anthem? He also has an R&B career, right? Right, so he was originally a model He became an actor in essentially contemporary blaxploitation movies

During the hood movie explosion of the, I guess, what would this be, the late 90s, early 2000s? Yeah, yeah. He is so unfathomably gorgeous that he managed to become an actor. Well, we are on the same career path. Sure. Right. You were in all those white-sploitation movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then he became an R&B singer. Yep, doing that. Sort of all of the same. And he actually had some R&B hits. I mean, he didn't become an R&B star, but he is a credible R&B singer. Yep. Sort of all of this. And he actually had some R&B hits. I mean, he didn't become an R&B star, but he is a credible R&B singer.

What was one of the hits? I can't remember any of his hits. The National Anthem. Yeah. He had that really hot club. Oh, say,

can you see? Girl, I'm gonna fuck that booty. Yeah. It's the one. The anal sex National Anthem. Funny thing number two that happened.

Thank you for labeling all these things as funny. Yeah, no, they are. I don't think I'm going out on a limb. That's an FYI for your information. Yeah. So I was kind of waiting to interview some NASCAR guys in the NASCAR car waiting area. Yep, that's what they call it. That's real.

That's lingo. Sorry to get all industry insider on you guys. Wait, the car waiting area? The car waiting area. Do they, like, drive into a special room before they all go out or something? Yeah, there's this kind of garage where all their guys, you know, tinker. So you're waiting around for those guys. And there's this kind of NASCAR dad guy who's just hanging around he's got you

know he's got shorts and socks and sandals and a golf shirt on great um and he's just kind of like he kind of just is making this awkward conversation with me and i'm just kind of trying to politely nod but also not engage him um but then this he's like and then he taps me he's like hey i'd like to get a piece of that and then he points to this girl who is very clearly 12 i don't think she's wearing a hello kitty t-shirt but might as well be yeah hey i'd like to get a piece of that yeah he's like hey you should interview her and then i said oh i'll ask her what it's like being a teenager and he said whoa i didn't say i wanted to marry her as if for some reason he's like being a teenager. And he said, whoa! I didn't say I wanted to marry her. Wow.

As if for some reason, I just wanted to fuck her. I just wanted to molest that child. He just wanted a piece. As if for some reason, wanting to marry a child is disgusting. That would be wrong. Yeah, that would be wrong.

Make it legal, I say. But just breaking off a piece, that's A-OK. Yeah, absolutely. But what about my idea? You just want to statutory somebody. That's fine. What about somebody that's fine what about my stash around a little yeah stash you can get I think you can get that term in the ether yeah using stash yeah let's stay let's go stash somebody dude gotta stash let's go hang outside the high school and see if we can get a little get our stature our stature on hey the um and someone

could combine mustache you know yeah you know there's some potential there but what about my idea going back to nascar of like republican presidential candidates putting their face on nascar like why don't they do that what i like about it rob, is if I could just expand that idea a little bit. I mean, I think some people might see it as being like on the side, like a Tide logo might be on the side of a NASCAR. I don't think that's what we should have these candidates do. Let's get Mitt on the horn, you know, and let's pitch him the idea of an anthropomorphized NASCAR car. So the headlights are his eyes and then just over the top is

his big creepy rock solid hair. Yeah, that's a good idea. So the car actually looks like his head. Yeah, so it looks like he's coming for you, just like he's coming for the presidency. Yeah. I think it'd be a great idea and I think it'd be really cool if the

car was winning. If it starts losing, then you're in trouble. Or if the worst-case scenario, if like in Final Destination happens where there's the wreck, the beginning of which Final Destination was it where there's a big NASCAR accident? It's the fourth one. Hold on. I'm just going to grab my Final Destinationopedia off my bookshelf. And the tire goes into the, you know, all the debris goes into the crowd.

But then, you know, luckily the heroes of the movie, they didn't, they escaped death. And then, you know, death, but you can't cheat death. Death will get you. So will Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney will find you. You can't cheat Mitt. Yeah.

He'll find you and kill you. Also, maybe they could somehow, like, tune the engine. I'm not a gearhead, so I don't know how you would do this. He'll find you and require you to have health insurance. Maybe they would tune the car or something to where instead of an engine revving noise, it sounded like his talking points. Sure. I feel like you don't have a lot of car terminology in your brain. I feel like you might have scraped the very bottom of the barrel with tuning the engine or

revving the engine. I only recently learned the word car. Oh, wow. Actually, that was new to me. Well, let me ask you this. At the NASCAR race, were there... The what car race? NASCAR. Were there... This is a thing where wheelchairs go around. Sure.

Okay. Were there tons of drunk people and women flashing their boobs? No. No, no boobs. There was a lot of just kind of, oh, okay, here's, in regards to drunkenness,

a lot of booze, but also a lot of advertisements and a lot of stands where you could buy Mike's Hard Lemonade. Love it. One of the greatest beverages. It's great for a stach. Yeah. It's great for a stach. advertisements and a lot of stands where you could buy mike's hard lemonade love it the great one of the greatest beverages it's great for a stash yeah oh man if you want to get your stash

i like to break open a six of mike's hard lemonade and go and mike's crayon lemonade is that a real one yeah they have different flavors of it now but it's weird that they are trying to make mike's hard lemonade and they there's commercials that i feel like also support this where it's like this is just fucking something guys drink when dudes are hanging out being bros at the barbecue at the nascar race crack of mics it's like i feel like that's trying to like oh what's also make a campaign that tries to sell the view to men yeah like it's such a a distinctly female product someone's someone's buying it someone's someone's drinking it Someone's getting all drunk up on Mike's Hard Lemonade. NASCAR people specifically. Somebody just

kicks down the door. They're like, party's about to start. I got the Mike's and I got the dark chocolate bonbons. Let's get it going. Notebook on DVD, faggots. Was there anything... Was it fun? Was there anything fun that happened to this NASCAR race? Basically, Tyrese saying

I call coffee wakey-wakey juice was the funnest thing that happened, and it was basically all down to that. Did he run through his entourage high-fiving everybody? No, they all laughed. One guy even clapped a little bit. How many people? For wakey-wakey juice? For wakey-wakey juice.

Wow. How many people is in a Tyrese entourage? Hard to kind of say how many were just like... Yeah, I mean, almost, uh, how many people were following him? Pied Piper like, right.

How many people just were people he walked by and just kind of, I would like that. I think I would like that. I think I would like to have, I mean, I don't know how that works financially, whether you are paying all those people and everyone's getting a little bit of money or something,

but like, I would like to have a group of guys to travel around with like 10 or 12 guys and everything i said was just fucking gold right like just yeah bro like people laughing and high-fiving me like dudes from the old neighborhood it'd be yeah like you know what it's like that wrangler commercial with brett farve you know just hanging out throwing the football around just wearing some jeans your ass looks tremendous my ass looks great crack of mics everybody's high-fiving me. I would love that. Plus, what's nice is you live here in Hollywood now,

but you would always have a little bit of the flavor of Southie going with you. You know what I mean? You would never have to forget your rough-and-tumble Irish Catholic roots. Absolutely. I would just like to be able to sit down in a restaurant with all my bros, tell some great stories, have everybody laugh. Come up with some fun new names for coffee. Fun nicknames

for each other. Just go around and from now on, your name is Flapjack. You're Tiny Dave. You're Ricky J. You're the astronaut. The astronaut! It's like just fun nick fun fun names hanging out on the weekends and then

you just go out wilding you know i'm talking about vandalism wow arson yeah i'm talking about spray painting how would you say that ricky j got his nickname because of his air of mystery yeah the fact that he well his last can throw playing cards so well. He's friends with David Mamet. He's friends with David Mamet. Every David Mamet movie. That's your buddy from the old neighborhood.

That's friends with Mamet. Always hanging out with Ricky Jay, man. Hey, can we be in your entourage? Yeah. Can I be the astronaut? I don't know. We're not rich men.

I don't know. We work hard. Yeah. All right. We'll suck your dick. Yeah. Oh, boy. I really...

Okay, yeah. I'm untalented, but very loyal. Cool. Yeah. You guys got to always walk behind me. Sure. Except when you're going to high five me. When I say something funny and cool, you got to run ahead of me and then run back at me

and high five me. I'd like that. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris,, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Rob Hubel, human corpse. That's true.

I am a human. We're all human corpses. Aren't we, though? Aren't we all just fucking marching to the grave? One day, someone's going to look at my dead body, and they're going to be like, I don't know who that is. Yeah. Maybe it's a future scientist studying our society.

Society? Like a children's hospitalologist. Yeah. Oh boy. Someone who is like doing research into the 15 minute TV shows. I will say this. I will legally say this. If I die while we're still shooting children's hospital,

I give them permission to use my dead body in a funny way on the show. Cool. That's awesome. So if anything happens to me, please get in touch with Corddry and those guys and let them know. Maybe like a Weekend at Bernie's episode. Yeah, I think it'd be funny. I think it'd be funny to do that. You know, Corddry told us that if Children's Hospital got picked up for a second season,

he would write in characters named Chip Dipson and Dip Dobson, which is two names that we're just trying to get out there into the world. Chip Dipson and Dip Dobson. These are two funny sketch comedy names we thought of. I don't think they've been on the show. Yeah, I know. Even though Corddry said they would be. Yeah, he promised us

that if we got picked up for a second season, he promised us that he would put those in there, and He has not yet. Wow. Well, I apologize. So I'm just saying don't rely on Corddry for any of this. I would go to Wayne. Good point.

If anyone, I would go to David Wayne. Okay, great. Because that guy's proven himself to be a pretty consistent guy. He's reliable. He gets handed the keys to major motion pictures. Sure. He's reliable. Then go to Lake Bell because she's so attractive.

She's a beautiful woman. Very attractive. That's a good system. Take it easy. Take it easy. She's very attractive. She's a beautiful woman. Very attractive. That's a good system. Take it easy. Take it easy. She's very attractive. Let's do some sponsorship messages. First of all,

fuelie.com back again this week. This is a website where you can track the fuel economy that your car gets. So, you know, like you just whip out your phone when you're putting the gas in your car. You type in how much gas you put in there. And then it tracks over time how much fuel economy your car got. Well, I drive a Prius, so I'd fucking blow that away. I'd probably clog up the website with the numbers.

For the people. But do you know about these people that drive Priuses and it's like a crazy game to them to see how high of gas mileage they can get? I did not know that. That is a serious thing and those people are up on Fuley.com. It's basically better than fantasy football. Yeah. It's the new fantasy football. How do you spell

Fuley? I'm not playing into your fucking commercial, but how do you... F-U-E-L-L-Y.com. F-U-E-L-L-Y.com. Okay, and we also have a personal message up here on the Jumbotron. This is a message from Darren to Alanya. He just wants to tell Alanya how happy he is that they moved in together and that he loves her very much and he's very excited for the future. Taking the next step.

Well, Darren, I'll have you know that Alanya and I were out last night. Oh, snap. Had a few drinks oh one thing led to another and you guys went out found a basketball team and co-blew them we both blew a 16 person basketball it would have been one thing if it was a hockey team wait i'm confused about this segment of the show you get personal messages from people and you read them yeah they pay a hundred dollars oh wow yeah this is this is serious business but so i'm not supposed to have a shit on it like i just did

no they like that's why yeah that's an extra bonus it's like going to a don rickles show and sitting in the front right wow no this really is beautiful i remember when i first moved in with my beautiful wife theresa and it was very scary for me even though we'd already by that time we'd already been together for years yeah but um I was terrified that I was going to do something wrong or that moving in together would ruin everything or whatever and it turned out to be fucking tremendous really yeah I've never done it I've never lived with anyone really the dog though well yeah that's different he's not a person Is it because every time a girl comes over The dog kills the girl? Well, yeah The dog murders a lot of my girlfriends

No, yeah, I think I'm scared to do that But that worked out for you? Well, it worked out for me I think it's going to work out With a winning attitude like this I don't see how it could not work out For Darren and Alanya Because I'm telling you

Alanya is a slut I'm telling you right now. Now how do you feel about that $100, Darren? Come on. Rob. How do you feel about that $100, Darren? Rob. Come on.

She's not a slut. Rob. Come on. She definitely had a slutty phase. Rob. Come on. She's not sane. Rob.

Come on. Darren, I apologize. Alanya, I apologize. No, no, no. I think they're a match made in heaven because Darren's a little fuck machine when he wants to be. That guy likes to get his dick wet. Darren likes to get his dick wet.

With butt moisture. What? Yeah, he likes butt moisture on his dick. Anyway, if you want to get up on Jumbotron, so you can have a magical expression of love like this one, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. It's $200 for a commercial message, $100 for a personal message.

And if you want to advertise on the show, you can email our development director, Teresa, at Teresa at MaximumFun.org. It's your wife. In just a second. On Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Rob Hubel, I've never read a book.

Hey, when something momentous happens, we ask that you call us at 206-984-4FUN for momentous occasions. Let's go to the calls. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and possible guests. I have a moment of triumph for you. I just left the Waffle House, which is always a great place to overhear wonderful conversations. And I was sitting next to this old bearded man who took a cell phone call. And he answered the cell phone. And then he started saying, I told him that.

I told him that a hundred times. You know what he should have done? He should have choked that whore. I told him he should have choked her and then he hung up and then about five seconds later his phone rang again and this time it was the guy's wife and he was like honey i'm gonna fix it i'm gonna go down there and i'm gonna fix it but i'm telling you right now if it ain't broke like you say it is i'm gonna choke you i'm gonna you and you know I'll do it. And he hung up. And there was another pause.

And the old man had a friend sitting next to him on the other side. And after the pause, the friend turned to the old man and said, By the way, I never thanked you for dinner last night. It was lovely. Holy mackerel. That's what you get with old guys with beards Yeah Man, they're violent Maybe that's just

Maybe like then the waitress came up And he's like Oh, my coffee's cold I'm gonna choke you You know Maybe he just throws that around Right Yeah

Unbelievable Unbelievable I find that shocking Sure Terrifying Well, I'm against choking You know, I'll go out on a limb and say that Well, it's not all

You'll tug some hair Gray area No, it's not a gray area Some moral gray area What is Across the board, no choking Across the board What is a situation that warrants choking?

I mean, you know Choke fight If your wife says... Well, a choke fight, yeah. If you go to like the choking championships and there's a bunch of guys up on stage, you're like, who wants to see somebody get choked? Then that's appropriate. Right.

But if you're just a guy in a waffle house, you shouldn't be going around choking strangers. What about if you're a migrant laborer and you're working in an artichoke field yeah then yes and the verb choking in this case is used to mean to pick an artichoke to harvest artichokes yeah absolutely then it's appropriate if you're going out and you're harvesting artichokes which are delicious yeah that's great what if like you know what if you go to see why are you guys fighting me on this well i'm just we want you know i what if you go to see... Why are you guys fighting me on this? Well, I'm just... You know, I'm tired of these reactionaries saying... Never, ever, ever, ever, ever choke.

Okay, go ahead. What if you are watching, oh, I don't know, The Roast of Charlie Sheen this Monday on Comedy Central, and someone makes a really choice joke, and you want to refer to that as a choke? Because it's a Charlie Sheen joke? It's a choice joke. Well, it's a very choice joke about Charlie Sheen.

So you're combining, you're making up a new term. Yeah. What a joke. Yes, absolutely. Then it's fine to choke. What if it's the seventh game of the World Series? Okay. There are, the Yankees are down three runs.

I think I know where this is going. It's the bottom of the ninth. I think we all know where this is going. Two outs, two strikes, bases are loaded. And a guy in the stands. Derek Jeter is up. Swallows a hot dog. of the ninth i think we all know where this is going two outs two strikes bases are loaded and a guy derrick jeter is up swallows a hot dog derrick jeter is up and everyone is sick of hearing about how great derrick jeter is in the clutch and they start you should choke yeah okay all right well these are all okay great so you you guys win you've come up with scenarios and situations that

weren't choking. Well, you don't have to tell us that. We know that. We heard it. We're sitting in the same room as you. Let's just take another call. Hello, Jordan and Jesse. This is Erin from North Carolina.

I'm calling with Momentous Occasion. I work at a local grocery store in my town, and today a dog got into the store, and it took about eight or nine people 20 minutes to catch it. And the whole time I was watching and participating in this event, in my head, all I can hear is that old-timey, funny chase scene music. And to top it all off, once the dog is finally captured and put back outside, we find out the owner of the dog had been sitting in their van in the parking lot the whole time.

All right. Thanks, guys. Love the show. Bye. That's. Thanks, guys. Love the show. Bye. That's van folk for you. I'm confused about what people consider momentous occasions on this show. That's pretty momentous. Really?

A wild dog in a grocery store. Why is that a momentous? Has that ever happened to you, Hubel? No. I mean, it has not happened to me. But I don't know that I would pay $100 to call the show. A bunch of people are running around trying to catch it for 20 minutes.

Do these people pay $100 to call and leave a message? No, they're helping us. We should be paying them because these are amazing. When you hear a story that momentous there's a dog getting loose in a grocery store and all the employees of the grocery store running around while Yakety Sax

plays in their heads. Yeah. She said, all I could think of was the old timey chase. I couldn't. Yeah, I wouldn't call Yakety Sax. I think she was thinking of. No. The Entertainer. No, both you guys are wrong.

Not the Entertainer. Not the Benny Hill song. That's how you're going to chase someone to that. Old Man River, right? No. Old Man River. No. The theme from. He just keeps rolling. Old Man River. The theme from...

He just keeps rolling. None of that. It's definitely not that. It's the theme from Magnum P.I. It's... What about where they're landing the helicopter in Jurassic Park? What is that? That's when they're landing the helicopter in Jurassic Park.

No one knows that. What about when Roy Hobbs... Everyone knows that. What about when Roy Hobbs... Everyone knows that. What about when Roy Hobbs hits the home run in The Natural? No way. What about this song that I'm just making up now? No, if anything, it's the theme from... What about the Macarena?

It's probably the theme from Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Oh, sure. No, that's what happens when people are... You're right. Let's go to the calls, huh? Jordan, Jesse, go. And guest. I'm driving behind a black Mercury Milan with a Max Fun bumper sticker.

Which is odd because I live in the middle of nowhere, Tennessee. which is odd because I live in, like, the middle of nowhere, Tennessee. And I think that we need some kind of gang sign or something that we can throw up. So when we're not able to talk to a person, they can know that we're a Max Funster as well. Just a thought. Thanks. Bye. That's a really good point.

I like the way this guy thinks. I don't know if you guys need gang signs. I feel like someone's going to get shot or stabbed. Yeah, sure. We need some kind of signal, though. I mean, from a rival pod, like there's maybe a Smodcast gang. Yeah. And they'll get into some rumbles at the drugstore. I got a real problem with some of these callers not knowing who the guest is.

They call up and they say, Jordan, Jesse, all right, and guest. Yeah, yeah. You know who it's me. It's Rob Hubel. guess. Yeah, yeah. You know who it's me. It's Rob Hubel. Yeah. Sorry, Rob. I mean, not everybody recognizes the guy from Milf Island. I mean, well, they should.

It's the best show within a show on TV. One of the top 40 shows within a show on television. Sorry if they don't recognize the guest star's boyfriend from The Office. Hey, what would be a good sign if you're driving past someone? Because now I want to do this. I think you should just yell yakety sacks out the window. Yakety? You mean yell the word yakety sacks?

No, start yelling the tune. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. All right. Well, we used to have, have you heard the good news about Hagar the Horrible? As I recall. Did we say that? I think that was like around episode nine.

Okay. People would yell that at other fans? Well, I think that's what Jordan said would happen if someone was proselytizing for a religion based upon the Sunday comics. Have you heard the good news about Hagar the Horrible? Yeah. But I think that there needs to be, number one, if you see someone in like a Sound of Young America, Jordan Jesse, in a Max Fun t-shirt or with Max Fun bumper sticker, that's a good enough reason to talk to them.

Just cup their genitals without speaking. I'm sick and tired of people seeing that and then emailing me and telling me they saw that but didn't talk to the person. Yeah, you had your entree into a conversation that could have... This could be your next best friend. This could be your sexual partner. This could be anything. This could be your

new enemy. I think the point is that we need to make it clear that it is your responsibility if you see someone else rocking the MaxFun gear, available online at MaxFunStore.com. Oh, brother. That you say something.

I would say if you're in a car, you can ram them off the road. Yeah, yeah. Just like in Fast Five. Yeah, you ram them off the road, and they hop out of the car, and they're like, what the fuck, man? And you go, hey, bro, Mac's fun. I guess one concern would be if we had a sign of some kind, our opponents, like the Smodcasts, stealing our sign. So I think we should have a signal sign, like a wipe across the chest, that means the next one is the real sign.

So we'll have some nonsense. Tug the cap. Baseball. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Misdirection. Tug the cap, you know. Baseball. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Misdirection. Yeah. In fact, you know what?

I'm going to bring in a consultant on this. I'm going to talk to former San Francisco Giants and Boston Red Sox third base coach Wendell Kim, who is known for being tiny and enthusiastic. Okay. And get his input into the signs for this particular situation. That's a good idea. You know what? How about this?

Yeah. We'll throw it out to the audience. 206-944-FUN. What is the signal that you're on board? The gang sign. Yeah. Because- Maybe you'll have to make a little video of yourself doing it, though.

Hey, whatever it is- Yeah. Email a picture, I would say. You can email us At jjgoatmaximumfun.org If you make a video No dick pictures I'm willing to

Like entertain the idea Of flashing your dick As part of I don't think you want That to be your thing You know It's as valid It's as valid

Well right now Nobody knows about my dick Besides my wife So if I'm driving Down the highway And I see someone With a maxfun.org sticker I'm supposed to Whip my dick out And show. So if I'm driving down the highway and I see someone with a maxfund.org sticker, I'm supposed to whip my dick out and show it to them?

I'm just saying we should entertain all suggestions. I'm not saying it's the best one, but I'm saying this is so early on in this, why are we ruling out an entire part of the body? What if somebody had a periscope and they could show their dick out the window without being unsafe? You're about to get thousands of dick pictures

emailed to you. So congratulations. Look, whatever it is, JJ, go at MaximumFun.org. And I think probably driving down the road, it would have to be a hand signal. But what about if you're at the, you know, AV Club Festival in Chicago? Sure. And you're watching the indie rock bands perform and you see somebody like, what about that situation? What if you're what if you're at a human giant live show yeah because those are yeah we do a lot of live shows university of nevada yeah we were just there what about that okay we do have

a moment of shame here so uh let's run it hey j, Jordan and Jesse and guests. This is Raymond with a moment of shame. I got a new dog, and I just found out that if you make an agitated squirrel sound, something like a... And that just drives her berserk, and she jumps up on you. So I was showing this to my mom, and she came over early in the morning, and I saw my sleep shorts on, and I showed her, and she jumped up. But when she came back down, she pulled off my shorts and exposed my genitals to my mother. Like the show, keep it up. Bye.

Wow. That seems like that's the thing to train your dog to do. Yeah. Train your dog to hike down your pants. Sure. You got to have more of those sexy little misunderstandings. Well, yeah. Well, you just do it like whenever you're walking your dog out in a park and you see a pretty girl, you have your dog jump up and pull your pants.

And then you go, oh, what did you do? Oh, I'm so embarrassed. I wanted to keep my huge dick a secret. And then just use your clicker ones. Click, click. Yeah. And then the dog knows that's equivalent to getting a treat that's right that i like that guy did a pretty good

squirrel noise because my dog i've actually trained that is my dog's joy in life is to go out looking for squirrels we do it every day like three times a day and we'll go by a tree and i'll start going oh Oh, boy. Because that's what a squirrel sounds like. Right. And he goes nuts. I mean, he really... How close is that to the sleeping shark noise? The sleeping shark, if I recall, went...

Okay, so kind of part of the same. You're using kind of some of the same mouth muscles. Look, man, I'm not claiming to be Michael Winslow or whatever the guy's name was from Police Academy. It's Michael Winslow. Who does all of the sound effects. Let's just say you were doing a cartoon character and his name was Mr. Fizzy Whompers. What would he sound like?

Oh, hey, guys. Where's everybody going? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Cowell. He was always leaving him. Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Rob Hubel, old-timey black baseball player.

Oh. I thought you looked a lot like Cool Papa Bell. I don't know who that is. He's an old-timey black baseball player. I'm assuming. Yeah. Josh Gibson. Should I have gone Josh Gibson?

Yeah, that I know. Satchel Paige. That I think I know. Okay. This was a lot of fun, huh, Jordan? Wasn't it? We didn't talk about... There were some topics that I wanted to get into

that we didn't talk about. Okay, well, let's just run them out right now. We'll just give some gut reaction. Just real quick. Bigfoot. I hope... Myth or truth? I'm going to say mooth. You motherfucker. I'm going to say Bigfoot myth. I'm truth I'm gonna say Muth

You motherfucker I'm gonna say Bigfoot Myth But Sasquatch Truth Well if you're Talking about Sasquatch

The fucking Beef jerky Commercial character No that's not Truth Yes it is That's a crass That's a real guy

No that is a man In a suit I saw him on TV Acting like a monkey If I saw him on TV. Acting like a monkey. If I saw him on TV, how could he not be real? Guys, I want to talk about Bigfoot. Sure. And an experience that changed my life.

Yeah. Right? I was camping with some friends. You were hungry. In the early 70s. You needed a meaty snack. In the early 70s. And we were on horseback.

And we were up in Washington State area area and we were on a creek bed and my horse reared up and i had my super 8 camera and uh we saw something and i pointed it over there and i saw you know and i captured the most famous bigfoot uh film footage you've probably it. Sure. And it changed my life. And I want you to believe. I'm convinced. The way that I believe. Yeah. I think I believe it now, too. I'm sorry I said that he was a mooth. Do you guys like beef jerky? We do. I love beef jerky. And beef jerky-related snacks like links and nuggets. You motherfucker. That's not the fucking same thing. Shredded jerky. Isn't it?

I mean, they're all part of the Jack's Links family, right? I can't tell what is a commercial for you guys or what. It's very blurry. We just like to say names of products in hopes that someone will give us money eventually. It's really blurry. Rob Hubel, you can find him on Twitter At twitter.com slash Rob Hubel I will just say I've already talked on this program about

When Rob Corddry was here I talked about how I felt About Children's Hospital I feel like that's in the public That's out there It's in the public domain Anyone can use your opinion about Children's Hospital I think it's part of the general discourse I think everyone understands How I feel about people who don't watch Children's Hospital

and just the extent to which they're wastes of breath, wastes of whatever force it is that imbues a human being with life. Well, those people that don't watch the show won't be at the Emmys tonight, will they? But I will be. Yeah. I might be. Accepting your award. life well they those people that don't watch the show won't be at the emmys tonight will they but i will be yeah and i might be accepting your award i'm if you've been nominated if i've been i haven't gotten the call yet yeah been here for a little while but how would you know you know like i haven't checked my phone gotta show up yeah i haven't checked my you gotta call your answering service i gotta call my machine um i feel that way also about people who don't follow rob hubel's

tweeters that's really nice you guys are just being really who don't follow Rob Hubel's tweeters. That's really nice. You guys are just being really nice. I think that Rob Hubel's Twitter feed is probably the funniest Twitter feed. It's not always true. Sometimes, you know, you guys are overstating the case here. No, I genuinely think that it's probably... I mean, there are a few other twitter

feeds there's a lot of funny people on twitter that you could make an argument for i do i love our friend rob bettaker's twitter feed yes sure there's a lot of good robs on twitter rob delaney is another great rob cordry rob wriggle uh rob bettaker sure those are all pretty killer Twitter feeds but I will say that top three I'm gonna go top three

for sure maybe number one funniest Twitter feed at least that I follow you can make a case I laugh my I will laugh out loud once a day

at a Rob Peeble tweet that's God's own truth that's not mere puffery that's God's own truth I'm gonna not mere puffery. That's God's own truth. I got a new idea where I'm going to start posting pictures of my wiener. Ooh. Yeah.

In different costumes because Halloween is coming up. Sort of like puppetry of the penis. Exactly like that. But I don't know what the name of my thing is. Twitter-y of the penis. Yeah. All the more reason to follow. But it's going to be cute costumes, hats. sort of like an ann gettys type thing exactly maybe she takes the

pictures of the weimaraner dogs yeah these will be these will be uh funny cute adorable pictures of my wiener in different outfits you just like it like it has a pink bow and that's the only colorized element of the picture um i don't know i think think I might put a face on it like a cowboy hat or make it like an old-timey gardener. Maybe do like an Antoine Dodson just to like fun

you know, let's look fun and zeitgeisty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably. Maybe like a space outfit. And when you do that do you think that people

will be able to hear about it first if they're following at Rob Hubel? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only way you to hear about it first if they're following at Rob Hubel? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only way you would know about it is if you follow at Rob Hubel. Shall I pick a tweet of the week, Jordan? You shall.

Let's see. Jonathan Harford says, I had a dream that I had to lead Jordan Morris through a Sleep No More inspired video game with zombies. What is Sleep No More? It's this thing they do in New York. It's kind of like a haunted house by David Lynch. It's kind of this nightmare evening that you spend. You have to wear like a, oh gosh, you have to wear like an eyes wide shut mask. And then there's topless ballerinas.

This goes year round? No, I think it goes on for a few months. It's kind of hard to... Yeah, I would love to go. So this guy had a dream where he had to lead you through it? But a video game version with the zombies, I guess. People love to tell you that they had dreams about you. Yeah.

Like weird, weird, like sexual violent sort of like... Or I get a lot of like, they kidnapped me. Like I was abducted by them. Oh, wow. Yeah. Somebody named Patrick Rippall says, boy, I hope Jesse Thorne tells that Chinaman joke on the next Jordan Jesse Go. That's what they call in the business, an evergreen. Hey, thanks for zinging me.

Because after 400 hours of Jordan Jesse Goes, I accidentally told the story that I once told two years ago because it was appropriate. I couldn't remember. Give it a rest at Patrick Ripall. Tweet of the week. Tweet of the week. I'm not giving it to him. I'm not going to give him. I'm not going to give people who slam us.

You know what you do to him? You block him. Yeah. Someone says some shit to me. I don't have time to read your reply. You're blocked. Unfollowed. Just block him.

If I'm reading responses, I want to read about how great I am, not about how shitty I am. I'm going to go with Joseph, who is at Uranowski. I'm going to go with Joseph, who is at Uranowski, U-R-A-N-O-W-S-K-I, who says, Joshua Molina is a 10. That is all. The hashtag with JJ Go. I like someone coming to our friend Joshua Molina's defense saying that he is every bit as gorgeous as any Paul Rudd. Very positive tweet there. Very positive. I like a positive tweet.

Hashtag I'm JJ Go. If you are at Urinowski, email intern at maximumfund.org and give us your T-shirt size and your address and we will send you a T-shirt for being the tweet of the week. JJ Go at maximumfund.org

is our email address. 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number. Please give us a call. Action item this week. What is the secret signal for the Max Funsters? When you see somebody with a T-shirt, how do you let them know that you're on board? 206-984-4FUN. We'll see you on the forum at forum.maximumfun.org in the MaxFunStore

at maxfunstore.com. And shit just about everywhere else, right? Yep, all places. Our thanks to The Free Design for our theme music, Love You by The Free Design from Kites Are Fun, the best of The Free Design,

courtesy of Lights in the attic records and our good friend rob hubal thank you for having me i'm sorry about the shit i talked about you guys that's fine it's fine and we're used to all warranted yeah we'll talk to you next time on jordan jessica