Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 194: One Inch Punch with Marc Maron

Episode Date: October 3, 2011

Marc Maron from WTF joins Jesse and Jordan to play Would You Rather with Jim Real, The Master of Would You Rather, and to talk about baseball coaches, family and long-distance car travel.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddly, dumby, we're joined by the great Mark Maron.

For a trip from San Francisco to Los Angeles or something like that, I don't know. I'm pretty incoherent. Okay, let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I have to admit, Jordan, I step up as I speak into this microphone. I am punch drunk from driving nine hours from...

I can't even remember what the name of the city I was born and raised in. Sure. Actually, from Mill Valley, California, my wife's hometown, all the way down here to Los Angeles. I started packing the car at 10 a.m. and arrived here at 7.30, like the second that we were supposed to start recording this podcast. I am seeing lights. I am dizzy. What did you take in San Francisco?

Hold on. You have not been introduced. Yeah, you sound like you're describing some sort of acid trip, not a long drive. Okay, let's introduce our guest. You know, I'm doing this all wrong. I apologize. Do you want to start over? No, I don't want to start over, Mark.

I just want to power through this thing. Oh, there's a spirit. Look, I don't want to be here. None of us want to do this. You don't want to be here. I was just thrilled that I actually came over with Tim. You said that Jordan might be a little late, and then you texted me that he's almost here, and I said, I'm leaving now, and I live nine minutes away from Jesse Thorne.

Yeah, it's true. We're neighbors. Yeah, you know what? We're the co-mayors of Podcastville. Our guest, by the way, Mark Maron from the hit podcast WTF. It stands for what the fuck. Sure. I can't say that.

This is a podcast. Yeah, fuck yeah, you can. Shit, yeah. Hell yeah, fuck yes. Yeah. Goddamn. 9-11 was an inside job. Hey, wait a minute.

Oh, that's less. Hold on. We're not occupying Wall Street. I did some Twitter support of that, though. Oh, that's good. I'm with them in Twitter spirit. In Twitter spirit. Yes.

That's the big step. Yeah. That's when you really know you're out on a ledge. Sure. Once you Twitter it. Yeah. I know this because I learned when I created the Iranian revolution by changing the color of my... That was you?

That was me. That's awesome. I changed the color of my avatar on Twitter, and now Iran has a new president or something. I don't know. I stopped reading about it. And I changed the course of sexual relations in America with the hashtag you know she's a hoe.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So I did a lot of like... I believe I was the first to use the punchline just saying. Oh, yeah. Just saying. Yep. Just saying. Oh, yeah, just saying. Yep. Just saying. Boy, this is kind of a Mount Rushmore in here.

I didn't know all of us did so much to shape our cultural landscape. But I did try to. I did tweet today asking whether or not I invented chipotle hummus, and clearly not. You know, I don't even know what. I wasn't aware that chipotle served hummus. Not chipotle.

Chipotle pepper hummus. Oh, okay. Yeah. I'm thinking of the – And everybody said no. That's the one thing. If you ask a question on Twitter, you're going to get some Google links. You're going to get some links to some recipes.

So then I parlayed that into, okay, maybe I didn't invent chipotle hummus, but did I invent Chipotle hummus ice cream? You know what? I think it's possible, Mark. I'm not certain about this. I think it's possible that my dog Coco thinks that she invented Chipotle hummus, and she was very upset when you brought up the idea that you might have. No, she tweeted that I hadn't. I definitely invented Arby's

Tahini. That's another... Why not? I think it's fun. Mark, don't lay off the Twitter. It's been like 10 seconds. How can you be so... Mark, do you...

Let me ask you this important Twitter question. I'm starting to freak out a little. Mark, do you send... When someone sends you – when you say something, you're a comedian, so you'll make a joke on Twitter from time to time? Sure, and I also have a NTEP. I have a no-troll engagement policy that sometimes I'm good at. Sometimes I get sucked in and then problems occur. I'm proud to say I've only blocked two people ever out of the 70,000 some odd followers that I have. Only blocked two. And it was just because I didn't want to see. They were like shitting in my yard.

That's how I look at it. Here's my policy, Mark. I have to admit, I don't have 70 000 followers um i only have 20 000 how many do you have that wasn't a humble brag i wasn't bragging um i was just but this is this is this is what i do like for example earlier today i'm i tweeted i saw this guy wearing sports sandals i was in san francisco so i was seeing sports sandals now i might not be able to i mean i'm sure i'll be able to picture, but I don't know what a sports sandal is off the top of my head. Just picture a hiking sneaker, but then make it into a sandal somehow.

Yeah, that you can also walk in riverbeds with. It's like. Yeah, you can swim with them. It's like the original would be your Tevas. Sure. your tivas sure okay and that has transmogrified into something that's even weirder and grosser than a tiva which is like it's like a trunning shoe but with weird panels missing i see now that's too much you just really need a sandal that you can shower at the y with i mean that's really what those sandals are for um and so so i i made a i made an offhand joke about those shoes. And I know, I mean, I should have known that the reality is that in the Twitter community,

you're looking at a 40% sports sandal rate. You know, because you've got to figure at least, you've got to figure 10% are wearing normal human being shoes, 50% are wearing those shoes with toes. And then 40% are wearing sports sandals. That adds up. Right? That's about right. That's 100%.

I'm not wearing a sports sandal, but I am wearing a sandal. I think your numbers might be off. I don't think that people will wear sports sandals every day. They probably have them. You're wearing, but here's the thing. You're enjoying a weekend in Los Angeles. You're also wearing cutoff jeans. All right.

Yeah. You're living a Hollywood lifestyle. You're just enjoying yourself. So someone came back at me. Okay. Someone came back at me and said something perfectly reasonable. Well, maybe a little bit shitty, but largely reasonable. Like about

what do you get out of putting people down who have different tastes than you? Or something like that. You know what I did? I fucking blocked them. Fuck them. I don't need them. That's my policy. Not interested in that dialogue? That wasn't even trolling.

What are you afraid of, Jesse? I'm afraid of dissent. Really? Here's the thing. The thing that I want from Twitter is I want to hear nice things or nothing. Nice things or nothing. There's this moment. Did you see this?

I got a feeling that this afternoon you're going to be surprised. But, Jesse, is that maybe what if that guy had a nice things or nothing and he felt like you were insulting his tastes? Well, then he should unfollow me. That's fine. Okay. I don't have a problem with that. Did you see this Mel Brooks Dick Cavett special on HBO? I did not.

Okay. It was great, as you would expect. I mean, two of the greatest guys. There's this great part where Mel Brooks brings up one of his lesser films. I can't remember which one it was, but let's say To Be or Not To Be. Um, I... Surely it wasn't Robin Hood Men in Tights. To Be or Not To Be is a remake of, uh, Ernst Lubitsch's film.

Yeah, exactly. I think, yep. So... I just wanted to sound smart for a minute. Um, and... Oh, if you want to, hey, if you want to sound smart, just, just drop Lubitsch. You always drop Lubitsch And he said like when I was making

To be or not to be And then there was this smattering of applause In the audience And Mel Brooks all 89 years old Of him turned to the audience And said no please Everyone applaud or no one And it was like the greatest thing

I've ever seen someone do on television my policy is you say something nice or fuck it you're off the list because i don't have the emotional capacity here's the thing you've been you've over years of uh of uh building an audience of air america listeners the most emotionally needy people in the world i've lost a lot of them. But over the years of building them and telling them about the Casio rescue, you developed an emotional capacity

that I simply don't have. My engagement with the audience on an emotional level, if anyone comes with any critique at all that is couched in anything other than me knowing exact... Look, if Davin, if only Davin wants to say something thoughtfully critical of something,

that's fine. If cracks worth wants to say, make a thoughtful critique, that's fine. But if some random guy wants to come to me and talk about sports sandals, fuck it. I'm blocking him because I got all these other people. It's going to be fine.

If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to hear it. It's fine. You're saying that you have healthy boundaries and that you're willing to dismiss anyone who doesn't agree with you or blow smoke up your ass or at least somehow seem like something that is proactive

to you. Yes, exactly. It works for Mugabe. Yeah, but see, he's also has his audience. It's hard to grow that audience exactly it works for mugabe yeah but but see he's also has you know his audience it's hard to grow that audience it worked for oh excuse me it worked for kaddafi look at the great outfits he got to wear oh so you're going in that route well you know he's alone now and he's paying people to like him. So that's where you're headed. You know, so I don't—

If I got the bucks. You know, I don't have to deal with a lot of Internet nastiness. Sure. But I sometimes think that that's a sign that maybe I'm not successful enough. No, what it's a sign of is that you have built your entire public persona around the idea of never saying anything that might bother anyone. Some people, but some people who are really... Don't you think that would piss off some people to the point that they would say something mean about me? No, someone will always say something mean about you.

If you went on the Internet now, you could find something said about you that was mean and hurtful. Because 90% of the people that post comments yeah on anything are hurting people no i think you're masterful at your art i know all i know is that when we had guests on who went on their website and wrote an essay about how they thought i was a murderer and or rapist uh those people left you out of the essay completely despite the fact that you were the one who was late I kind of wanted to be in the essay too I would have wanted

Yeah, I don't know I'm just saying Here's what I'll propose And I might eat these words I'm open to a little criticism I don't feel like I get enough of it And it would make me feel more successful You know what?

The only criticism I've ever heard of you, Jordan Is that you sound too much like david cross hey you know what fucking blow that out of the water how does that reflect poorly on my lifestyle you know yeah it's just a coincidence so i mean you're not i mean i don't maybe i'm maybe i'm copying him well then overtly okay well then that i would have a criticism yeah uh i think that you should stop copying david cross wow how's that feel you don't like it as much as you thought because you know what that was that was a classic non-criticism attack yeah jordan i think you're too charming could you have added faggot in there somewhere okay you faggot. Yeah. Stop copying David Cross, faggot. I kind of like this. See, that's better.

I kind of like it, yeah. It feels like I've made it. It feels like you're paying attention. You're thinking about me. Maybe you're kind of jealous of me. That's why you're doing it, you know? I'm frankly not really familiar with what you do. No, this is it basically. You are and you don't know it. Can I ask one favor?

You're completely familiar with what I do. While Mark is insulting you, could you put a blanket on your lap or something? My dick too big? My big dick making you uncomfortable? Your bone zone. I don't want to be in your bone zone. Can you add faggot onto that?

I don't want to be in your bone zone. I'm not sure who that would be in this particular... It's all of us right now. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mark Maron, host of WTF and semi-popular comedian.

That is true. You're more, you're, you're mod. I'm going to go past semi all the way to somewhat. Okay, fine. You know, I, I don't, I didn't come here to take shit from a well-dressed man do you understand well good i'm dressed like a guy who just drove across the country i know i heard your driving cross-country story i know that the five is a difficult drive and i know you have a baby all right but you're not fucking hey talk marin what talk to me when you created life i

wow wow hey i don't need this sort of weird, you know, boomer heroics of finally reproducing. You know, I'm so tired of people like, you know, you talk, well, you have a kid. I'm like, you know what? Maybe I won't. How does that grab you? Maybe I'll go on living my life exactly the way I want to live it and doing the things I want to do without feeling responsible for another human life that you'll grow to resent and he'll grow up hating you. Is it a boy? Yeah.

All right. Well, you lucked out there, didn't you? I know. I know. But, well, you know, the good news is, here's the good news, Mark. We were up in the Bay Area having a kind of welcoming line of relatives. Because I've talked about this on the show before, but I have about five relatives, including my parents.

And my wife has about 500, and they all live within a three-mile radius of her parents' house in Mill Valley, California. So we have to put on an event. They can't come see the baby. There's just too many of them. So we have to put on an event where we put the baby in its little cage. A manger? Yeah, we put

the baby in a manger. We set up a little crash. Yeah, you get a plug-in llama to look over it. Yeah, we actually got a real donkey. Uh-huh. Which is good, but smelly. Yeah, good to have around a newborn, too. Good for verisimilitude, bad for odor.

But we had to have, you know... You dress up as an angel. I've been here twice. To watch over the baby. I've been here twice in the last week. I've not seen this so-called baby. This uncle, one of Teresa's uncles... Oh, Mark, you're sitting on it.

Oh, God! No. One of Teresa's uncles, who's absolutely one of my favorite relatives in my wife's family. I generally like my wife's family, but he's a real charmer. And he gave Simon, our eight-week-old baby, a Nerf football. And I'm trying to parse that right now. Did he throw it at the kid? I don't think that he threw it at the kid.

Did he launch it out of a cannon American Gladiator style? We did set up a sort of American Gladiator style. Is your wife's uncle Nitro? Or Ice? The kid can hug the ball. You know what I mean? He's probably just trying to wire the kid for sports

because he sees you. That's what I'm wondering. I'm wondering if this is a commentary on me. Oh, is that a little slight? He's not'm wondering if this is a commentary on me. Oh, is that a little slight? Yeah. Yeah. He's not going to get this from you.

Yeah. By the way, I'm going to have a kid. Really? Probably. Oh, yeah. I don't know. I got a girl that wants one. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I just don't. So you're going to put one in there. That's what she keeps asking in those words. Wow. Yeah. Where does she point? No, I wonder.

When are you going to put a baby in me? And then she points both fingers at her vagina. Wow. Yeah. Where does she point? No, I wonder. When are you going to put a baby in me? And then she points both fingers at her vagina. Gotcha. I was wondering if she was pointing to her stomach or her vagina in that situation. No, it's both fingers at the vagina. Okay. And, you know, when, when, when.

No, that's not true. She has talked about it. She's younger than me. She'd like one. I don't know whether or not I'd like one or not. I've just somehow not really thought about it. All I know is that when i do think about it i panic about it what now every every part of it will you have to i've heard that babies cannot be around cats because there's a special some sort of bacteria in their feces that hurts pregnant women would

you be prepared to part with the cats if this dude my last wife who left me was horribly allergic to cats oh okay used to lay in bed sneezing and i would say what do you want me to do they live here yeah exactly and and you heard x so i'm sure that was on the list of reasons to move on that and i would never bring this man's baby into the world. I'm paraphrasing. But yeah, it might happen. It might happen for me. I have to ask you a baby-related question.

This has come up in my own life and on this program. Maybe a month or two ago on this show, I mentioned that I want to figure out a way to raise a child who doesn't hate sports. I said he can be bad at sports. He can like musicals. He can be any kind of person he wants. And he doesn't have to love sports. He doesn't have to be a sports fan.

I just don't want somebody in my house that's one of those people that always goes around complaining about sports. Okay, look, here's something that I know from my own past. I've talked about it on my show before. It's important to give a kid a healthy sense of competition. I was never given that. When I did sports, I was always on the shittiest teams. I broke my nose in center field. I was afraid of balls of all kinds, and I don't have that. You're talking polo. Sure.

Shuttlecock. I did some water polo. Okay. I was actually okay at water polo. Isn't water polo the one where they grab each other's balls a lot, speaking of balls? That didn't happen to me. It happened in the locker room, but that was a different situation. Gotcha.

Does shuttlecock count as a ball? I think I counted it as a ball i i don't know but my point is you're talking about cocks and balls sure if you give a kid a healthy sense of competition it will it will is one of the most important things if if a kid is able to understand that not everything is life-threatening that if you lose you will not die and you'll do anything not to lose including fuck the game up for everybody else i'll tell you what good loser i'm you're a guy that blocks people on twitter i have a hard time i have tried i try not to get into competitions because i hate losing well that's something you gotta not to pass on yeah okay so i know the here's the thing about sports and kids that I know from my own experience. I played, I played little league baseball.

It wasn't actually a little league baseball, but the equivalent of little league baseball in the San Francisco parks department until I was, until I aged out of it. So until I was 15 and I played, I started off at this and I lived in an urban neighborhood, so these were what you might call urban teams. And the first team that I played on, I was... Black? Not largely black. So I didn't live in a black neighborhood, but... Latino?

Latino. Like at least half Latino, you know, one-quarter Tongan guys and that kind of thing. Tongan? Oh, they're interesting. Any hackers? There was, you know, now that you mention it, the Mac from the Mac vs. Justin Long was on my team. Yeah, yeah. No, but I played...

I thought that would be a funny kind of urban teen, like a hacker from a 90s, like, action movie, like a guy with, like, a faux hawk, and maybe he's got, like, 3D glasses on and rollerblades. I don't know. I played on a team where the coach was this guy called Reggie. And Reggie was exactly what you would think a kid's baseball coach in an urban context would be.

He was a black guy. He was about 5'3", probably weighed 225 pounds. He looked like Violet Beauregard after she ate the blueberries or whatever. That's probably the wrong one. Violet Beauregard is the one who wants the world. Okay. So he was sort of round. I like the self-correcting Wonka reference.

He was sort of round. It's a kind of Wonkapedia in here. He would teach us to do different stuff, but he wasn't too serious about it. He was like the median. And then I had these two other coaches in the course of my time. My first coach was this coach called Tim. And Tim literally drove a two-door car that had one door. It was like a Mercury Marquis.

Did he have the children? 74 Mercury... Oh, God, I hope not yeah but probably he did frankly right but they would be distributed um he would like it was one of those kind of cars where when it pulled up i mean it was a really a truly a classic hoopty yeah like it was a car that when it drove up you were surprised every time that it made it there. And he would put kids in it. Kids would be driving around a car that literally had one door. One door, one hole.

And Tim, I now realize, was often drunk in our practices. But he made us do, and he would swear. Was he getting paid for this? Why was he doing this? Yeah, of course. Can I ask you a question? Did you recruit someone named Kelly Leakes to save the team? We actually, you know what?

We looked at the rule book. There was no rule against having an orangutan on the team. What about it? Did you consider maybe getting a teen wolf? So we brought, so tim was like but here's the thing about tim and tim was my coach when i was like i don't know seven and eight maybe or nine and ten sure um coach pitch yeah and um tim and this was again definitely not a world of volunteer coaches uh these were paid Parks employees.

Tim would do drills with us. He would do a thing where there was a ping pong paddle inside a sock with some foam duct tape to it. We had to put that on our hand and use it to field ground balls to teach us to use both hands.

Wow. That is some creative coaching. I know. And it was looked like whatever. It sounds like it came from some sort of maybe S&M enthusiasm. Maybe it was something. However shitty looking you're imagining this tube sock with a broken off ping pong paddle. And it was shittier looking. Right.

But here's the thing. Like Tim, despite being drunk, despite having a one-door car despite having these like he really cared about teaching us how to do a good job and one of the cool things like the thing that's really rewarding about being on a sports team is when somebody is teaching you how to be better at the sport and you're getting it and you're improving and you're like hey look at this i can get better at. Like we can all work together and achieve something. Now, I had this other teacher. This one year, I don't remember what happened. Somebody forgot to sign us up for something, but me and my friend Jody ended up on this team way out in the avenues. And this lady was a

teacher. I can't think of what her name was, but I don't know if this woman was on probation or what, think what her name was but i don't know if this woman was on probation or what but this woman had the most positive attitude you could ever imagine but literally did not know the rules of baseball so she would just yell our practices would just be her yelling i just have seared into my mind you don't kill the gophers that's what she would yell when we would swing too low. Oh, that's cute. That's all she knew. She knew a cute thing. Yeah, she would literally yell, keep your eye on the ball, as though that was meaningful to us. She would yell, baseball, play baseball. Exactly.

And then at the end, she would tell us what a great job we did, and we'd be like, bitch, we did a horrible job. And so all I know is I would much rather have Kim. She's like, carob for everyone. Exactly. Have some carob chips. And she was, frankly, like she was a little bit shady too. Like I really think it might have been her community service or something. But she did maintain a positive attitude.

But I quit after three weeks. And my poor friend Jody stayed on the team. They ended up losing every game. And my other teams weren't that great. They probably made a lot of great God's eyes. They may have not of... Ojos? Is that what you call them?

I do hope that my kid has the chance to be on a team with a coach that doesn't necessarily feel bad, but genuinely challenges them even if he's mental and has a three-day growth of beard all the time and drives a Granada with one door. So what you need to teach your kid is don't judge. Even if you have to put a weird thing on your hand, you might learn something. Sure.

Thank you. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mark Maron, the guy in the chair. It's great to have you on the show, Mark. Host of WTF, WTFpod.com.

Today's guest, John Hamm. Did I mention him? No one asked! No one asked! Sorry. Brian Cranston on Thursday. What? Okay. This show, Jordan and Jesse Goh, brought to you this week by Fuelie.com.

F-U-E-L-l-y.com this is a website where you can track the fuel economy of your motor vehicle is that you say both of those words uh fuel economy okay i believe that's correct vehicle of your vehicle okay the fuel economy of your vehicle the only way to track it Okay. Economy. I know. The economy's in quite a state. That's why I'm voting for Mitt Romney. He's run a business.

I know he can run a country. That's all correct. Fuley.com. The official app of Mitt Romney. It's the Mitt Romney of websites. Handsome, reliable Mormon. MittRomney.com at Fuley.com. That's good, right?

Yes, MittRomney.com at Fuley.com. That's,, right? Yes, MittRomney.com at Fuley.com. That's, I'm sure, what they wanted us to say. That's what I'm sure they paid their money for, for you to say MittRomney.com at Fuley.com. Visit Utah. Is that part of it? Yeah. Oh, God, I wish I had hair like that.

Mitt Romney. It's nice. God, so much hair on that man. Yeah. MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron in a future episode, it's cheap. $100 for a personal message, $250 for a commercial message. If you want to sponsor the show for real, email our development director, Teresa. Teresa at Maximumfun.org.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. The program is Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Mark Maron, host of WTF Pod. Why did I just give the site out? I'm host of the WTF Podcast. You made that your nickname because you want to plug your fucking podcast every segment of our show.

That's what's going on here, Maron. Oh, who do I have on the show? Is that what you're asking me today? I have Jon Hamm. No, nobody segment of our show. That's what's going on here, Marin. Oh, who do I have on the show? Is that what you're asking me today? I have John Hamm. Nobody asked that, Mark. Nobody asked you about John Hamm.

Who's going to be on the show on Thursday? That's Brian Cranston from Breaking Bad. I'm so glad. No one brought it up. I'm so glad that you're having Emmys week on your little comedy podcast, Mark. We have serious shit to do. We have listeners out there who depend on us for momentous

occasions every week, and if they don't get it, they're going to be sitting at home crying like the characters on the hit show Breaking Bad and Mad Men. Let me try it again. I'm Mark Maron, host of WTF, also a stand-up comedian. By the way, I'm Jesse Thorne, producer of WTF for Public Radio.

Oh, so you're plugging my show through your skills. I'm Jordan, occasional listener to WTF. Occasional? Yeah. Just people you know? If you've got somebody good on. You do this all the time? This show? I do, yes.

You listen to it occasionally. You've never listened to it. I have listened to it once. I listened to it once the last time I was on. You've never listened to it. You listened to your episode. How'd you sound? I listened to it while I was doing it.

Oh, okay. That's what I'm saying. You're wearing headphones. That's what you're saying. Right now, you're wearing headphones. Sounds like a show right now. Shall we go to the momentous occasions? Yes.

Was that my cue? Hey, JJ Goh. This is Kevin in Chicago. I just wanted to call with the momentous occasions. Yes. Was that my cue? Hey, JJ Go. This is Kevin in Chicago. I just wanted to call with a momentous occasion. My roommate in my dorm right now is having sex while I'm in the room. I'm trying to do my homework right now. I kind of snuck off to the bathroom to make the call, but he's in there just getting it on with some random chick that is one of his five girlfriends. Yeah, so.

Don't you wish you had five girlfriends at once in college? Wouldn't that have been fun? I know that I wouldn't be making a phone call if that were going on in the room, in the bathroom. I mean, that would be, that to me. You wouldn't get on the phone because you're worried about getting electrocuted. No, it'd be masturbating. I mean, wouldn't you be? I mean, that would be that to me. You wouldn't get on the phone because you're worried about getting electrocuted. No, it'd be masturbating. I mean, I wouldn't you be. I mean, you got a guy in the room fucking some girl. I mean, either you're going to sit there and pretend like it's not happening or go out

of the room to masturbate. I would think, I mean, he seems a little jealous and a little beaten by this guy anyways. Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. I mean, I mean, I mean, I'm a little jealous and beaten by this guy, honestly. So, yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

I just want to have a date where the girl doesn't pull her phone out an hour into it. Wow. All right. Well, I think that this is a great example of how porn has completely destroyed any social decorum around sex. Because you think you could just jerk off whatever sex starts to happen. But the guy's right there in the room. Yeah. This guy just starts having sex. Cause you think you can just jerk off whatever sex either way. But the guy's right there in the room. This guy just starts having sex.

I think, but I think that's a, that's a roommate issue as old as time itself. I think that goes back to, you know, roommate issue is that like, if I start having sex, you've got to go to the library.

Not like, Oh yeah. Somebody fucked up the code. I mean, you're not like when sex is happening, if somebody is not supposed to be sitting there, if somebody's sitting there, sitting at their desk, doing their homework, that's not the sign to put the dick in. Right.

Well, that guy actually should have left. It seemed to me that that was just one of those that that kind of classic dorm issue where you think the other person's asleep and then you start to bone down. But then they but I guess he had to see the guy. Oh, OK. Oh, I didn't hear that. that's the part that's terrifying yeah sure no no that is territorial fight you're right the guy is like i'm not letting this happen again did you hear how he said five girlfriends so this is not something that this has happened before and he's like this is my room too i'm doing my homework i don't give a shit if this guy is having sex with her i I'm doing my homework.

And in the middle of that, he decided to call Jesse. To be fair, it's possible. It's possible that the guy who called in got back to his dorm room. There was a sock on the door handle. He remembered that being the sign for come in and do your homework. Oh, sure. It was the sign. Well, it's a blue sock for come in and start doing homework. This whole thing. Actually, it was a sign. I'm well, it's a blue sock for coming and start doing homework.

It's a black sock. This is all sad because I'd like to believe that what you're speculating is true. But I believe that this guy was sitting there doing his homework, just trying to mind his own business. And his roommate is such an asshole that he see. That's the thing. If the roommate is such an asshole that he starts having sex while his roommate is in the room doing homework. Maybe that's like just some maybe the roommate is such an asshole that he starts having sex while his roommate is in the room doing homework.

Maybe that's like just something – maybe the roommate – I mean, yeah, maybe this is a situation of like porn has desensitized. Maybe a guy needs to be being intrusive in order to get off. Like I need to be doing something. Oh, so you think it's one of the sexual hangups of the roommate. It might be, yeah. He's like, well, if I'm just – That guy's not there. If I'm alone in an intimate situation,

I can't enjoy myself. But if I'm putting someone else out, that's what really gets me hard. I still think the call here was to masturbate, maybe even in the room. Like, if you're going to do that,

how's this working out? Well, maybe he masturbated before he left the room and then called. I mean, how long does it take to masturbate? That should have been in the call. 40 minutes?

50 minutes? Seven. Yeah, well... Depending on how much time you have and what you're really looking for. If you're looking for relief, it's short. But if you're looking for an afternoon, pace it out a little bit. Yeah. But then you've got to be concerned

with chafing. Take a break. Have a horchata. Chafing? No. You take an horchata break? Yeah, while you're jerking it. It reminds you of the cum that's going to come out. Oh, gross. Where did that go? I don't know. Hey, let's talk about my mom for a second here. Perfect segue. Chris emailed, or Scott, excuse me.

Scott emailed, he and his seven-year-old son, Max, went to my mom's garage sale this week. Oh. My mom had a garage sale. I posted it up on the Twitter because, you know, my mom needs customers just like anybody else. She's a businesswoman. And you want to give her out her address on the radio? Yeah. Why wouldn't I give out my mother's address?

Sure. He brought his seven-year-old son. Apparently he lives in the Castro. My mom lives in the Mission District of San Francisco. He says that they patronize. He and his wife and son listen to Jordan Jesse go. No! Seven-year-olds shouldn't listen to Jordan Jesse go.

What I want to know is what did they buy the kid that used to be yours? Your first button down collar shirt or perhaps your first, that's the thing. So apparently my mom gave, gave this kid cause she was excited that this kid, that this kid knew who I was. She gave him a replica Winchester padlock and some animal bones that she found in her backyard.

That's awesome. My mom is awesome. She still can't unload those Jesse Thorne bobbleheads? My mom is a great mom. She gave him some animal bones she found in the backyard. Well, it's for his first voodoo spell. He wanted to do his first... Bones are good for kids. Yeah. Well, though,

I was going to say they choke on them. That's dogs, though. Yeah. You can give bones to kids. If you get a good story behind some bones to a seven-year-old... Oh, yeah. Oh, man. She probably said, these are the bones.

What's your mom like? Does she talk like that? Yeah, my mom is an elderly Haitian voodoo priest. She's like a gypsy out on the moors who warns you about the wolf man. She said, nah, nah, nah, I'm gonna make these bones into a nice jambalaya for ya. Uh-huh, uh-huh. So a chef as well. Uh-huh.

Kind of a doomsaying chef. Kind of a... I don't know if you've ever seen Blues Brothers 2000, but she's a lot like Erykah Badu's character in that film. I suppose she could have said, these are the bones of the last child that came to a garage sale of mine.

So you're saying that she's hosting a haunted... It's sort of like how Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farmer haunted during all of October. So is my mom's garage sale. Well, we know that your mom's house has been haunted since she left. Oh. Yeah. Hey, sale. Well, we know that your mom's house has been haunted since you left. Oh. Yeah.

Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, guest. Good job. Very funny. Like the nickname. Anyway, I'm calling with a momentous occasion. This is Jack in Florida, and I just agreed to buy my teenage daughter condoms.

Wow. All right. Later. Bye. See, that's a good momentous occasion. Yeah. We've never had that before. Yeah.

And it's sexual, but not vulgar. Sure. No, it's a concerned father. Yeah. Acknowledging, doing the right thing, but also kind of panically, is that a word? Panically acknowledging that his daughter is fucking. A panoply of panically fathers. Yeah.

I guess, here's the thing that seems strange about that to me and probably maybe even maybe says more about my upbringing than it does well we could have the next line could have been and then i killed her we didn't we didn't get that so it's uh it was a nice that's a hard call for do you think do you think that he i think in my imagination he bought her the female condom no sure maybe a dental dam yeah got her a nice dental day um i it's okay i i i'm really in support of this guy like not making his daughter feel bad about sex and encouraging safe sex and being real and that's all great but how'd buy your own condoms right does that no is that no you gotta if you're a

parent you gotta do it because otherwise they're too scared to buy their own condoms, right? Is that not strange to anybody else? If you're a parent, you've got to do it because otherwise they're too scared to buy their own condoms. Is there an age thing on the condoms, though? I don't think so. I mean, it's also a girl. There isn't? Okay. Well, then, yeah, it's a little. But it's a girl.

It's hard for a teenage girl to go into a store and buy condoms. I guess I just, I'm always. Yeah, that's weird. Why'd she bring her dad into this? Plus, maybe the girl doesn't know where to find the buy condoms. I guess I just, I'm always... Yeah, that's weird. Why'd she bring her dad into this? Plus, maybe the girl doesn't know where to find the female condom. Sure. The female condom?

You really think it's a female condom? Does anyone ever use those? Sure. Those are those arm-sized things? Bag ladies use them as hats? Sure. Yeah, you know, I guess I always just, I feel uncomfortable when I feel like

a parent is too into the specifics of the sex life of their child. You know what happened? She – they had the talk. Yeah. The dad said, you know, are you having sex? She said, yeah, or I'm going to. You know, I like this guy. And he said, are you using condoms?

And she's like, I've never – you know, the guy usually has condoms. Like I think he'll have one. Yeah, yeah. And the dad says, well, you got to get some condoms. She's like, I'm not buying condoms. And he said, the guy usually has condoms. Like, I think he'll have one. Yeah, yeah. And the dad says, well, you got to get some condoms. She's like, I'm not buying condoms. And he said, I'm buying you condoms. What size do you need? Do you need the magnet condom?

Let's show me with your hands. Show me with your hands. Do you like a lubricated condom? Show me. Describe your boy friends Johnson. Right. Will, yeah. Do you want something flavored?

Color. Is oral involved? Yeah, they're fun ones. You're not one of those chicks with hang-ups, are you? I think this guy's a good dad. No, he is. You're right. I like, you know what I like?

I like a heartfelt parent call because this is an all-dads show now, and it's all about alienating young people. No, I don't. I think Jesse. Jordan's never going to have kids. Well, then how's an all-dads show? Jordan's never going to have kids. Well, then how's an all-dad show? Jordan's never going to find love. Oh, my God.

You're going to take that? Do you take this every... If you can add faggot into there. I will take it as an honest internet criticism. Jordan is at half-mast right now. It's true. I tell you, the life of a sidekick. We'll be back in just a second.

I'm Jordan Jesse. Go. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mark Maron's looking at his phone. Mark Maron is lost. He's deep in his telephone.

I'm a Twitter addict, and I really have to come forward, and I have to... You don't reply to people on Twitter, do you? Sometimes. When you say something, like yesterday, I said something about sport sandals and about how just because they're bad for sports doesn't mean that you should use them for other things. Right. And somebody sent me a message about sports sandals defending sports sandals, which is not I mean, I was being flippant. Yeah. Sometimes a flippant doesn't read. I know I'm just being flppant. Yeah, well, sometimes flippant doesn't read. I know. I'm just being flippant. I understand that. But you have to understand that in the form of tweets or texts, sometimes tone is easily misunderstood. Well, this guy got blocked.

Oh, it went that far. No, that's my rule. Anybody who comes at me in any way. You throw up the block. I just block them. Fuck them. I don't need them. You have a fear of intimacy.

And I think that what you're missing is, I have a... Do you block your wife when she wants you to open up? Oh, that's... See, you went too deep. Look what just happened. He shut down completely.

He shut down completely. His wife is blocked. He's not even moving. Yeah. Oh, what did you do? I'm sorry. I didn't know you... You blocked Jesse completely. I didn is blocked. He's not even moving. Yeah. Oh, what did you do? I'm sorry. I didn't know you blocked Jesse completely. No, he blocked your question.

Sure. I've never seen a physical manifestation of a block who like we're living in it right now. Now, hold on. Let me tweet him. Jesse, it's Mark. Just forget about what Jordan said. We're back. Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Mark Maron. I'm just here because apparently no one else could do it. Hey, how about the most beloved segment in the history of Jordan, Jesse, go. How about we welcome all the way from Oakland, California, or as Rappin' Forte once called it, the Biggity Biggity O, Mr. Jim Rayall, the master of Would You Rather. Jim, welcome to the program.

Hey, gentlemen. It's nice to be back. Oh, it's always a pleasure to have our friend Jim Rayall on the show. Just for your edification, Jim was a fixture of The Sound of Young America for many, many years doing Would You Rather. That's for all the folks who send us an email and say, why did you copy Would You Rather from Scott Aukerman? Is this a game? This is a game. Oh, good.

Here's how it's going to work, Mark. Okay. Jim is going to present us with two choices. Do I need sports sandals? You are going to need sports sandals. Okay. Things could get wet. Okay.

Jim's going to present us with two choices. We're going to need sports sandals. Things could get wet. Okay. Jim's going to present us with two choices. We're going to debate the relative merits. If we need any points of clarification on those two choices, we'll be able to ask Jim. Because Jim is the master of would you rather, once we've all punched in our answers, so to speak, Jim will take that opportunity to tell us whether we are correct or incorrect. Okay. And then I'll take out Leonard Maltin's Guide to Movies. Wait a minute.

No, wait a minute. Wrong show. And then I'll play some calls with people saying something they've overheard. Yep. Okay. Jim, what is this week's Would You Rather? Okay, here you go. Would you rather be a master of the martial art Jeet Kune Do or have self laundering

clothing? Oh, wow. Wow. Now, Jim, tell us, I know that you know a little bit about Jeet Kune Do. You were at one point a practitioner of the art, weren't you? For a brief time in my college years. This is the martial art practiced by, invented, correct, Jim, invented by Bruce Lee? Yeah, yeah, this is a sort of style developed by Bruce Lee, which is sort of known for not really being a style. It's sort of like the original mixed martial art. Is there facial expressions involved and weird yelps? Yes.

Okay. Is there nunchucks involved? Can be. How important is kicking? Highly. It's one of the most powerful strikes. A lot of kicks. Is a six-pack necessary?

That's a prerequisite it's it's definitely necessary come to the package oh but it would come with the package we wouldn't have to do you just have one oh okay okay we automatically get that yeah right okay and can't wait and is this six-pack maintained and this physique i guess i should say this jeet kune do master physique is this maintained no matter what kind of lifestyle i lead like do i have to keep it up or just because I'm a master, I can just, you know, drink and eat burgers all the time and I'll still be shredded? Yeah, this is not a magical body image. You will be, you know, given everything that the Jeet Kune Do master has. And if you choose to take the burger-eating lifestyle, that may go away.

But could I be like a cool, fat martial arts guy like Sammo Hung? Yeah. Could I appear on a television show with Arsenio Hall, potentially? Most definitely, potentially. So wait. But your Jeet Kune Do skills never go away. Even if you neglect your physique and training, you still are great at this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You are a gifted master of the art. So I could pretty much kick anyone's ass at all if they don't have a gun. But if they had a sword or a knife, I could probably take them, right? That goes without saying. And even maybe with a gun? Maybe with a gun, depending on the circumstance. But I'm a master, so we can use film rules, right? Film rules?

That means that I can kick anyone's ass no matter what they have. No, that's not what a master... Master doesn't mean fictional world, Mark. Yeah, you're in the real world. Oh, see, I... How does it affect your fucking skills, the fact that you're a Jeet Kune Do master? Are you better in the sack for any particular reason?

I would say that you have great stamina, self-control. Are you not allowed to use your master skills in the bedroom out of fear you might kill the person? That's not going to happen. Okay. In this situation, you're a gentle lover. Okay. Yeah, yeah. That's what everyone always said about Bruce Lee. He's a gentle lover.

You're not from a distant planet. You're not Superman or something. Okay. All right. Well, I don't know. Wait. Let's wait. I have some questions. I know that you guys only have questions about Jeet Kune Do. Yeah. I. All right. Well, I don't know. Wait, let's wait. I need to, I have some questions. I know that you guys only have questions about Jeet Kune Do. Yeah. I have some questions. I have some questions about clothes, about self laundering clothes. How effective would you say the self laundering function is on my clothes? Like, is it like, could it also potentially remove stains? Like, how good is it, like, is it, like, Tide good? Is it, you know, spray and wash good?

Or is it OxyClean good? It's like, you know, take it to the cleaners. Oh, wow. You know, have somebody else do it, that level of quality. What about olive oil? Yeah, I mean, you know, it's not like self-repairing clothes. You know, if you burn your shirt or something, that can't be cleaned.

But if it can be cleaned, you know, if a cleaning method exists, these clothes will... Would you be willing to add the repairing quality as well? This isn't a negotiation, Marin. Oh, I'm sorry. There's only one master

of would you rather okay okay i'm sorry you're not buying a buick no but i mean self-cleaning i just it seemed like we could have don't come on to my podcast and try and buy a buick mark i thought we could build on this jesse i'm sorry go ahead and ask some more questions starch is starch included starch could uh no no no starch starch is uh that's that's add-on yeah yeah that's a that's an add-on what about just pressing in general like if i if i self-clean my shirts does that mean i don't have to iron them yeah yeah they will they will be you know self-ironing well how're not going to magically pick up. An iron won't be floating in the air or something,

but they will have the capability to clean and press themselves. I don't know why you wouldn't add starch in that. I mean, I'm... I think I'm ready. Really? You're ready already? Yeah, I'm ready. Oh, jeez. I'm having a really hard time.

I spend a lot of time ironing. Well, I'll go first, and then you guys can still think about it. What do you think? I don't need to think about it. I've already got my nunchucks. Yeah. No, I'm saying Jeet Kune Do because you can just take your laundry to a laundry place and say, clean these or I'll one-inch punch you in your heart so it explodes, and then

the guy will clean it because he's afraid of you. You can do that with the Jinkundo? Yeah, that's like a thing of Jinkundo. Isn't that the one-inch punch heart explosion? Jim, can you clarify this point? I think it is. Yeah, there is no heart exploding, but there is a one-inch punch that will do a lot of damage. So it's just like a dry cleaner.

Like your average dry cleaner, how damaging is that? It has a very high damage per inch ratio. So you could probably... If someone has a pre-existing condition, then that maybe probably would stop their life. So you would kill a dry cleaner because he's been around those chemicals all day. Well, I would threaten to...

Well, no, yeah, it might kill him, I guess. Yeah, because of pre-existing conditions from the chemicals. Mr. Chin, please. Yeah. Sit down. I've got some bad news for you. It's your heart. I recommend that you get out of the dry cleaning business.

You see, if someone knew G.C. Rinto... I appreciate that you made that a Chinese laundry. I appreciate that. Yeah. That was good. Sure, sure. Sorry, I'm... Look, if that's racist, I apologize, and I change it to fuamsit, and it's a Lao laundry.

I think we were all thinking Chinese laundry because we were in the Bruce Lee arena. Right. And I don't think it was racist. I just thought it was an impulsive. Sure. It was topical. And Jesse, you dropped in those gong sound effects when we I just thought it was an impulsive. Sure, it was topical. And Jesse, you dropped in those gong sound effects when we were talking about it, right?

Yeah, exactly. I also changed the theme music for this week's episode of the program to sound vaguely Asian-y and at the end go do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Okay, would it be racist of me in the situation that if I was a Jin Kundo, is that how you pronounce it? Master. In the situation we're talking about. Would it be racist as me, Mark Maron, when the dry cleaner said that's going to cost $40 for me to go. Basically, we're using the skill to threaten dry cleaners and possibly get away with a little light racism. I'm sure. Yeah, see,

now, because I think those are the sounds we make when we get this skill, right? Jim, you learned Jeet Kune Do is making a weird noise an important part of it, or is that all a filmic construct? That's all fiction. You can do it if you want,

but there's... Nowhere is it written that you've got to make goofy noises. I mean, but you can do it if you want, but there's... Nowhere is it written that you've got to make goofiness. I mean, I get that that exclamation is a way to exhale and bring force to the strikes, but do I have to yell a stereotypical karate thing? Can I just yell, like, party time or something while I'm punching? Okay. All right. Here's the thing though no matter what you yell nobody's

gonna talk shit because you're a fucking jeet kune do master you're one inch punch their fucking dry cleaner ass i think we yeah we can take that out and use that on anybody that i could have used it today at chipotle and gotten a free uh salad bowl a lot of things i could have done with that how many policemen do you think I could take if I knew the JKD? Police? Do you have trouble with policemen? Well, I would if I was doing this to dry cleaners. If you're just going punching dry cleaners left and right.

Yeah. No, I think the choice is clear. I'm saying Jeet Kune Do. And, I mean, with added nunchuck skills, I mean, I think that's a pretty easy sell for me. The stars? Can we throw the stars? Oh, yeah. Can you throw the stars?

That's not really part of the art, but if you chose to throw stars, you'd be pretty damn good at it. Just because you're a strong man. For a layman. Yeah. I want to have all those skills. I want nunchucks. I want stars. I want...

Polax? How about a Polax? Yeah, some of that. The quick kicks. I want that. But see, I still think... Up close magic? Yeah.

Like card tricks? Yeah. Wait a minute. Are we talking about learning to be Bruce Lee or Ricky Jay? Well, no. Then you can go, that is your card, and now it's sticking out of your eye. Yeah. And you're dead.

Aren't you impressed? I want to be in a lot of David Mamet movies. Sure. I want to have a successful one-man show. Yeah, it sounds like there's a lot more range with the... How do you say it? Jeet Kune Do. Jeet Kune Do. So are you going Jeet Kune Do as well, Mark? Dude, I don't more range with the jeet kune do. How do you say it? Jeet kune do. Jeet kune do.

So are you going jeet kune do as well, Mark? Dude, I don't need clean clothes. Right. That's true. I don't need to iron anything. You can probably punch the stains out. Sure, but I like my smell. I'm okay with slightly dirty clothing.

If you're musty, people would think it's just character, the smell of character. No, I am musty, and it's got nothing to do with character. It's just a problem I've had since I was in junior high. Sure. Jim, I mean, I think that obviously the natural thing is for me to say self-laundering clothes, because I do do my own laundry, unlike Jordan, who has a French maid come into his house and take care of it for him. It's true. She's as offensive a stereotype as the Asian dry cleaner.

She is as lusty and double entendre making. Her name is literally Pepe Le Pew. But I got to say, the appeal of being able to do Jeet Kune Do. I mean, the part of here. Let me ask you this one last question before I decide. Like, I know that Jeet Kune Do is like focused. Party time. I know it's a form that's focused on kicking ass, Jim.

But is it, there are also like elements of Wushu where I could do stuff that's really cool too, right? Like put on an awesome show. Oh, sure, elements of Wushu where I could do stuff that's really cool, too, right? Like put on an awesome show. Oh, sure, sure. I mean, you're highly capable in many different styles and movements and all this other stuff. It's very impressive. Yeah, I mean, ultimately I'm going to have to – for me it boils down to what would be the best opening ceremony for an Olympic Games, and it's got to be the JKD. How would I fare in a fight with Joe Rogan if that were to happen? I'm not going to answer that.

Mark, are you anticipating that happening sometime soon? It sounds like it's a very specific concern. No, I would just like to have that skill without working for it at all. No, I would just like to have that skill without working for it at all. Joe and I get along fine, but I know he's into that and he's a sports guy. He does the ultimate fancy fighting stuff. Sure. And I just wondered like – UFFC.

UFFC. The ultimate fancy fighting. Yeah, ultimate fancy fighting. And I was just wondering if like I was on Joe's podcast and he was like, I'm going to choke you out. And I'd be like, whoa. Sure. Where's the coin embedded in your spine? Yeah.

How's that for a trick? Sure. I'm still hung up on. Get this. The moon landing was real. You say, as he's passing out, he doesn't know.

There's no, there's no problem there. He's just my only point of reference for a guy who, you know, who would potentially fight. Right. The, the ultimate fancy fighting. I,

I, I love ultimate fancy fighting. I'm thinking the the ultimate fancy fighting i i'm so i love ultimate fancy fighting i'm thinking about possible ultimate fancy fighting moves earl of sandwich flurry is one of them you you every day you just you dress appropriately for uh ultimate fancy fighting man well okay so i'm gonna say i'm gonna go with the majority here and and and say jeet kune do just because it seems really cool, even though it is, I think, a significant responsibility. Jim, you're the master of Would You Rather.

Are we correct or incorrect? You know, this is really interesting, because I didn't think I was going to be able to get this by you guys, and you're all wrong. Oh, my God! I haven't been wrong in literally in years, Jim. No, I don't think this has ever happened before. Yeah, unprecedented. You're all wrong. Oh my god! I haven't been wrong in literally in years, Jane. No, I don't think this has ever happened before. Yeah, unprecedented. You're all wrong. Oh my god.

I had a list of why self-laundry clothing would be better than Jeet Kune Do master, but after hearing you guys all argue your points, it seems very clear that if you had this power, you'd all end up in jail. And that just sort of trumped all of my previous reasons.

So it fortifies even more the correct answer. Wow. Self-laundering clothing. Well, that is, I mean, Jim, all I can say is thank you. I mean, you're the master of Would You Rather. Guys, I feel like we're all inside an O. Henry story right now. Wait a minute. What's so bad about jail?

Yeah, if you can just karate guys in jail, become king of jail. No one's going to mess with you. You probably get some good stories. Sure. You can podcast from there. You can hang out. The number one currency is vacuum sealed packages of mackerel, which are called macks. Is that true?

Yes. Of mackerel? Yes. The fish? Yes, because you can't buy cigarettes at the commissary anymore. This is in, I believe, California state prisons. I might be getting that wrong. Somebody's going to have to Google mackerel and macks.

But you can't buy cigarettes anymore at the commissary the most convenient thing you can buy it costs a dollar is a pack a vacuum sealed package of mackerel uh which is like you know like for the fish you'd buy at the dollar store i know what mackerel is so now here we are in sorry i didn't mean to suggest that you didn't know what mackerel we're in jail we're small businessmen uh we're at the top of the food chain because of our fighting skills. We're everything that's great about America. Yeah. I think you got to rethink your assumption. Now, hold on, Mark.

What? Did I do something wrong? Hold on. What happened? I'm sorry. I know that you're a celebrity podcaster. I know you're a successful stand-up comedian, but are you the master of Would You Rather? No, I'm not.

I apologize. Okay. I apologize. I accept your apology on behalf of Jim, who's too busy mastering Would You Rather. It sounds like Jim's actually washing his dishes. How would you know that? There's some clinking, some light clinking. But I guess when you are a master of something, you can multitask.

I'm also a master of refilling my ice tray, okay? Well, Jim, thank you so much for joining us once again on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It was really nice to have you back on the show. We missed you, pal. Guys, it was a lot of fun, and I can't wait to do it again. Okay, talk to you later. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Jordan, Jesse, Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us from the hit podcast, WTF. Mark Maron, host of The Sound of Young America. Best friend with Jon Hamm and Bryan Cranston. Oh, did I mention that they're going to be on the show this week? No, you mentioned it several times. Not everything's about you.

It's not all about you! There's two other people in this room, for God's sakes! Party time! Oh, gosh. Well, Mark, it was a joy to have you here, as it is always. Thank you. It's a delight. Mark, you actually, it's funny that you mentioned plugging upcoming guests.

You'll be a guest on The Sound of Young America sometime in the next couple of weeks. We already recorded that interview just the other day. Yeah, I've been here twice in one week. I didn't even have to look at the address. I drove here without referencing any sort of map application. You just looked for the grand entrance. I did. I looked for the palatial arch. You looked for the distinctive hats on my guardsman. Yes. And they are very nice.

They remember me from the other day. And then they said, but you're not okay for today. And then you came down the long stairway with your two dogs on leather leashes and your Oxford shoes and your press shirt. You know what? A lot of people think that just because I have guardsmen with distinctive hats means that I'm some kind of rich guy. But the reality is that those hats aren't made out of mink. They're made out of nutria. And the reality is that those men are slaves. Affordable, low cost.

No, come on, be honest. They're interns. Yeah, right. They're getting college credit to be your paramilitary. They're getting college credit if they do a good job, Jordan. They did a very good job

this time with me. The flag ceremony's about to begin, isn't it? Isn't that about time to fold back? Cue music! Mark, it's been a joy to have you here. People can find your program at WTFpod. Sure. Mark, it's been a joy to have you here. Thank you. People can find your program at WTFpod.com. Yes, that is true.

And on their local public radio station, by the way. And we've got a new round of the public radio show coming this winter. Yeah, very exciting. Probably, we haven't figured out the exact date that it's going to start, but I'm going to guess like January, something like that. Somewhere around there, January, February. You're the guy. You're the guy making them with me yep so we're gonna see but if your station didn't

already carry wtf i'm not organizing a campaign or anything because program directors hate that but you should run them right whenever they want i mean they can get you should ask people to go to prx.org slash wtf and check it out if you like that show and you want to hear it on your local public radio station if there's any other shows that you want to hear on your local public radio station, again, I'm not running some kind of organized campaign that program director takes. I hear that Sound of Young America is good. I've heard that. I heard that actually from Jad Abumrad at the public radio program director's conference.

He's been ordained a genius. I believe his exact quote was, if you're not carrying the sound of young America on your station, then you really should be. Did he say that? He said that. Did it sound like a genius saying it? Oh, it sounded tremendous. Well, Jad was saying it.

So, you know, it had some sound effects going on. It had some interesting stutters in it. And it was all broken down in an interesting way to make you go, wow, I never even thought of that. Krolwich kind of got up in his face a little bit in a friendly way that helped clarify the situation. That sounds like a smarty pants party you were at. Oh, man, it was tremendous. Only the Jad album Rod part, though.

Let's be honest. You know what, though? I'll say this one thing about the Public Radio Program Directors Conference. I go there every year. Every year it's like putting my face through a series of plate glass windows but i will say that the people that you if the people that you love in public radio are the same as the ones that i love which is to say i love jad abamrod i love brooke gladstone i love ira glass i love planet money and i love uh jay allison If you love those people, every year those fuckers show up at the PRPD

and kick ass. They fucking make speeches that call people out on the carpet. They use their powers for good. Every year, it's like, it's so, in this world of no one doing anything risky at all, those guys and ladies all go into that place

and really risk their reputations on calling on public radio stations to do good things. I just think it's weird that Click and Clack get up there and say all that racist stuff. Last year, Click and Clack went up and they were wearing... That was quite a speech show. They were wearing novelty

swimming clothes, like flippers and one of those like little giraffe flotation device that goes around your waist and like a snorkel mask i don't remember what the premise was but it doesn't need one yeah doesn't need one they get up comedy achieved the problem was that they it was in this huge ballroom yeah and they had to cross the entire ballroom in you know fins and they're old men sure i don't think i'm speaking out of school when i say i mean they're at least in their mid to late 60s i think one of them maybe is 68 one of them 71 or something like that so the room

quieted down when it should have been laughing well there was a laugh when they entered sure but then there was a wait there was 10 more minutes long cross Just such a long cross And then no payoff No payoff at all as I remember What did they talk about? I don't remember I mean car talk They just said a couple things Do you want to be drowning in new subscribers?

What model car is that? What model car? That's a perfect Tom and Ray impression, by the way. God, you missed your calling. I could have been. My brother's not so smart. The Hondas always do that. I'm dying rain.

What sound is it making? Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. You can find us online at MaximumFun. Holy shit. We didn't pick a tweet of the week. Well, with all this talk about Twitter. We didn't pick a fucking tweet of the week.

Holy shit. This is what happens when I try and do. I'll go on my Twitter. Would that help? I'm going on. I mean, your addiction forces you to. We've got to find the hashtag JJGo and decide which

one of them gets a free t-shirt before we go. I bet you would. Want me to just do one? I'll make one up. Oh my gosh. You can just have a t-shirt if you want to. See, now Heather has tweeted about Waldorf

students. We hate those, right? Is that the one we hate? We do hate them, yes. Oh, so now see, now Heather is tweeted about Waldorf students. We hate those, right? Is that the one we hate? We do hate them. Yes. Okay, good.

Oh, I like this one. I'm going to go with Eric EJ at EJK. He says, are you a friend of Chip Dipson? It's Jordan, Jesse go brought to you by the Hawaiian pineapple council.

Yep. Cause we talked about pineapple last week. Joke laden. Great. Okay. I read one of my tweets email ej ejk at ejk email intern at maximum fun.org with your t-shirt size and your address okay mark someone just says have you read gravity's rainbow words of advice uh if you can get through the first four pages, you've done enough. Try again another time.

We're just having some Twitter fun with Mark Maron. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, God.