Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 198: The Nightmare Pillow with Kulap Vilaysack

Episode Date: October 31, 2011

Childrens Hospital star and Co-Host of Who Charted, Kulap Vilaysack joins Jordan & Jesse to talk about barber shop super groups, superficial world travelers and awesomely strange gifts.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, priddle, dumby, priddle, Jesse, go.

Kulab-Velesak brings some extremely positive energy and some wild new characters to Jordan, Jesse, go. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. It's a beautiful morning Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. It's a beautiful morning here in Los Angeles. We're celebrating All Hallows' Eve, as I call it. I've heard that the day before Halloween, which is tomorrow, in the timeline that we're recording this,

is called, the day before Halloween is called Goosey Day. You can call it Goosey Day, and it's when it's when you go out and I guess typically, it's when you go out and create trouble. It's also a devil's night. It's kind of the setting for Halloween 3. Oh.

Yeah. Goosey Day. Goosey Night, I think. Goosey Night? Yeah. Goosey Night, I think. Goosey Night? Yeah. Which seems to be a little redundant. It seems like Halloween is also for that, but this is just, it doesn't have the candy collection element. Okay.

It's just about pranks and mischief. Oh, and that one D12 album. Eminem's Crew D12. Oh, okay. Oh, sure, Devil's Night. No, Goosey Night. Yeah. crew d12 oh okay oh sure devil's night no goosey night yeah oh we should start a rap group just so we can name our album goosey night i think so too um well let's let's uh bring our guest into the

program uh you know her from her role on the hit television program children's hospital you know whom you know her for uh her role as as co-host of the hit internet podcast, Who Charted. You know her, of course, as a contributor to the smash hit IFC television show, The Grid. Please welcome Kulap Valesak.

You guys, this is a grid reunion. Oh, it is a little bit of a tour. The three of us in this room together. I hope the podcast doesn't get canceled because we're all on it. Maybe it was the combination of us all being on the same thing that caused it to get canceled. I think what we have to do is just be careful to not have Portlandia picked up for another season and they want a lot more episodes and a lot more money. Yeah.

I think that will be the secret to not getting this podcast how does one become careful in that way i don't know we should write people should not encourage fred armisen to make a podcast version of portland oh okay okay because then all of the podcast resources will have to be diverted to portland yeah and you know what i'd be glad glad to... I mean, it's probably really good. Yeah, it would be really good. It would probably be really funny, so... That was the real... I would kind of voluntarily...

When I was sat down and told that story of how the grid got canceled, that they had just canceled three quarters of their development slate and every show that wasn't the Onion News Network, basically because they needed to divert resources to this big contract for Portlandia. I really found myself wishing that it wasn't Portlandia,

that it was like, you know, Storage Wars. Yeah. You know what I mean? So I could be more resentful. UFC's greatest crotch shots. You're like, God damn it. Finger fishing or whatever that's called. Noodling.

Like, I'm proud of the work that all of us did on IFC television's The Grid, but I have to admit that Portlandia was a better television show.

Yeah. I think we can agree. One could argue that maybe, you know, Fred Armisen is a famous guy who's already on TV

and movies and maybe doesn't need an additional TV show. Sure. The three of us who have no TV show. Zero. But it's not about that. It's not about fairness. Let's go around the room. Maybe it's changed.

Jesse, do you have a TV show? No, I don't. I host a podcast. So do I. Jordan, how about you? Anything? host a podcast. So do I.

Jordan, how about you? Anything? I had a minor role on a TV show until recently, but no, as of recently, I do not have a TV show. Okay, so it stands.

We do not have TV shows. Okay, good. So it's good that we resolved that. I don't even have proper employment. So, well, here's the other thing

about that. It's hard to hold it Fuck you, Fred Armisen. It's hard to hold it against Fred Armisen. I mean, I don't know. Jordan, have you ever met Fred Armisen? I have not met him. Cool.

Have you ever met Fred Armisen? I have. He's such a nice man. He's like one of the nicest men you could ever meet. And, you know, Carrie Brownstein. I think we should focus on Carrie Brownstein because she should just go back to being a minor rock god. So she doesn't have she doesn't need a television show. Yeah.

She can just be the lady from Slater Kinney for the rest of her life. She's cruising. And now. Wild flag. Exactly. She's in a super lady band. Super group. Yeah.

She's in a lady. She's in an all lady super group. Let's just go around the room. How many super groups are you in? I'm in zero. Jesse's super group? I am not. Oh, you're in the Traveling Wilburys, right?

I am. I'm in the latest version of the Traveling Wilburys. You replaced Roy Orbison. Yeah. It's actually me, Kid Rock. Oh. Scott Stapp. Scott Stapp.

That's it. That's it. That's it. I was trying to think of other supergroups, and I'm like at a loss. Oh, yeah. There were a couple of metal supergroups, weren't there? Weren't there a couple of hair metal bands that broke up and then reformed with lineups of all lead singers? Acapella metal? It had the last one show.

It's like a barbershop quartet with David Lee Roth and Mickey Six. Sebastian Bach. Good night, ladies. Good night, ladies. Good night, ladies. We're going to rock you now. Light a rose. I'm home again.

Rose. With a bag full of cocaine. Cocaine. Thank you for doing the bass. Cool off singing bass. You know, that's really the yeoman's work. Okay, yeah. You're not going to get as much pussy

in this death metal barbershop. A hair metal barbershop. I think bass singing is really, in a lot of ways, a lost art. That's right. When I turn on, because when you see, like, even in like an indie rock band that will have some, that will have an element of harmony singing, you know, the keyboard player and the drummer will sing harmony with the lead singer, something like that.

It's generally a very light sound. And so if I see on PBS one of those doo-wop reunions and there's just a guy going bo-de-do, do-de-do, do-bo, do-de-do, I'm always impressed by that guy. Or in the case of the

Capitol Steps, Newt Gingrich. Newt Gingrich. Are the Capital Steps a super group? Were they all like, did they all have Mark Russell-like careers? And they're like, hey, you know what? We can fucking take down Russell if we all join. Well, they're a super group in the sense

that they were all office cut-ups from their respective congressional staffs. Oh, new pornographers. That's a super group. Oh, there you go. Yeah, that's true. Good work. Anyway. I think that one of the things that you really can say about the Capitol steps is that...

Is that they're on pbs often they really no they really are uh they're they really are like a living breathing real world example of what would happen if you took the funny guys from the office and then made them professional comedians you know what i mean like you got together all because that's the premise of their group right it's that they all worked in congressional offices oh god i know nothing about the capital steps backstory i think part of the thing is that they all worked for in congressional offices um and so i think that what it really says is is you get a direct example of what you would get if you did that you know like the thing that every stand-up comedian wants to complain about? It's that is a representation, no, y'all ain't crazy. That is what you would get.

Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. Are you just giving me that look because I said y'all? I am. It sounded unnatural. It sounded patronizing. Sure. I was trying to patronize you, to be fair.

Oh, okay. Well, mission accomplished. Good work, Jordan. Yeah. May I have my candy now? I want to watch this. The candy you keep from me. We've got a lot more to come.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, It's kind of a super group of nicknames. I just got back from a conference in St. Petersburg, Florida. Okay. I was investigating the future of journalism. Oh, wow. I feel like Florida, well, I was going to say there's a lot of different vibes in Florida, but maybe there's only Miami and everything else. I guess I don't have a stereotype for St. Petersburg.

I think, as I understand it, there are a variety of Floridas. And I talked to people a little bit about this while I was in Florida. I think there is Miami, which I think is probably, that vibe is best exemplified by... Caliente. Muy caliente. Yeah. By the phrase, muy caliente. Or by the song, Welcome to Miami by Will Smith, probably. Or perhaps the music of the Miami Sound Machine.

It's a colorful, flavorful, Art Deco seasoned tone. And then there are old people places. That is definitely something. I was in Boca Raton, Florida once for a conference many years ago, and I found it to be definitely for old people. Actually, it was for one of the first underwriters on The Sound of Young America, Project Breakout. I went there with a woman who once wrote on Saturday Night Live in order to judge sketch comedy groups for a web television show that I don't think anyone saw. And Boca Raton was a sad place, a distinctly sad place. What an odd place to hold your web.

They were based there. Oh, okay. Yeah, they were based there, and they flew everyone in. They flew in me and, gosh, what's her name? The first lady writer on Saturday Night Live who also created Square Pegs. Elaine. Not Elaine May. You're about to say Elaine May. I was.

I was. She was certainly, having met her, the inspiration for Carrie Fisher's character on 30 Rock. Absolutely without question, if you remember that character. I do. But anyway, that was my experience with Boca Raton. And I think there is also a sort of rural South Florida. Sure. Sure. Sure. That is just, that is sort of,

has more in common with, yeah, has more in common with like a rural Georgia or something like that. They've got a fan boat based economy. Yeah, exactly. It's like fan boat repair. Sure.

Manufacturing parts for fan boats. Sure. And wrestling gators to some extent. Yeah. You know, I, I, I, I used to, for Fuel TV,

have to make kind of a yearly pilgrimage to Orlando because that's where he stops on the Dew Tour. Sure. Mountain Dew. The Mountain Dew Tour. If you're nasty. Yeah, right. Mrs. Dew.

Miss Dew? Anyway. Ms. Dew. This is the 21st century, Jordan. Sorry. And, you know, Orlando, Florida was just the pits. I just hated going there. But, I mean, the one thing that I always said, like, okay, if I could just fucking get this done, this trip would be a success, would be I always just wanted to take a fan boat ride.

And it was, like, two hours out of town. Like, it was, like, you know, we have to be, like, after work, we all pile in the car and go to this fan boat ride. And it was like two hours out of town. Like, it was like, you know, it would have to be like after work, we all pile in the car and go to this fan boat ride and no one would do it. And I should have just, I should have just done it myself, like rented the car or.

I don't know if you should have done it yourself. I think it's good. Like, what if you got, you know. Are you saying that he shouldn't be alone? I'm just saying something could happen. You know, it's better to go as a buddy. You don't get to drive the fan boat, do you? You have to rent a fan boat operator.

I'm just saying, though. It's like you go on a cruise and somebody always gets... This is my own fear. This is my own fear. I'm bringing this upon you. As someone always dies on a cruise. I think that's a good point. I've been looking for some new fears.

Jordan's entering a period of uncertainty in this life i hear i hear i listen to the elizabeth lame episode and i hear about your changes sure and i support your changes yes i'm becoming a young woman or a werewolf or a werewolf i'm becoming i'm i'm becoming a werewolf who has a very heavy period the worst you guys oh. I turned into such a wolf bitch. Oh, my God. I just like the idea of the werewolf lady going into the drugstore to buy heavy pads. Sure. I feel so sorry for my werewolf boyfriend.

I've got my awful werewolf period. But I still try to hide it from him. Wait, but let's get back to your fear of cruises. Yes. I do. Like, because, okay, also fear of swimming. I can't swim very well. Okay.

Uh-huh. So there's that. Uh-huh. Have you taken lessons? Do you just not take to it? What do you think causes your being bad at swimming? Yeah, I guess because my family is immigrants, and so it was definitely more of a work ethic. My parents owned a restaurant, so I never got to learn how to swim because I was working at the restaurant. Are you saying that Hmong don't swim?

Number one, I'm not Hmong. Oh, forgive me. Number two, I apologize for saying it that way. You're from minnesota right yes i had put those together and assumed that you were mom and many do because because there are more of mong in minnesota than there are white people exactly at this point there are more mong in minnesota than there are like norweg Exactly. At this point, there are more Hmong in Minnesota than there are, like, Norwegians.

This sounds like a great stand-up character. I like this a lot. The guy who does ethnic humor based on... You know, I've heard, actually, I've heard that Garrison Keillor is doing a lot more Hmong humor. Right, yeah. Guy Hmong, private eye.

Marginalized ethnic group of Laos. Yeah, of highland mountainous tribes. Just the little foibles, you know, just their little quirks. Yeah. You wouldn't get it. You're a city person. Sure. I am Lao.

You are Lao. Lao. I've been to Laos. It's an amazing country. We've talked about this. We've talked a little bit about Laos. Laos. I've been to Laos. It's an amazing country. We've talked about this. We've talked a little bit about Laos. Have you ever been? I've been twice.

Isn't it a gorgeous country? Beautiful. I mean, it's just amazing because most of Southeast Asia, being non-communist, is just overrun with people and Kentucky Fried Chickens, I think, at this point. Yeah. And Laos has, by far, the lowest population density of any country in Southeast Asia. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. recently i think in 2007 did they complete a paved highway type yeah single lane that went you know up and down yeah the country this there was this guy vorison my dad worked um my dad ran until he just recently retired but he ran this non-profit that uh started out or ngo i should

say that started out doing development work in in laos that he founded with... This is not funny at all, but my dad is... Go on. My dad's a Vietnam veteran. He was on an aircraft carrier that participated in the secret war against Laos and Cambodia during the Vietnam War. I'm sure we can find a little humor in that. Let's dig a little bit. You know...

Landmines! Landmines! For those of you listening at home As Kulop was chanting landmines She was doing a funny dance So yeah I mean I think we found it I think we really like So this woman Buntan

That my dad met Was displaced She now lives in the United States But her family was internally displaced in Laos by the bombing And so together she lives in the U.S., as I said. They founded this organization to do sort of people-driven development stuff in Laos. And so the guy who was the Lao boss of this was this guy named Vorison. And Vor was basically king of Laos when I was there, which would be, I don't know, six

or seven years ago, because he had like a 1979 Corolla. He had a 1979 Corolla and seriously, women would flip out. Like women would see Vore and Vore was sort of a middle aged man and not an especially handsome man. But women would flip out when they saw his Corolla. And also, cops would try and hustle him because they figured he was so rich because he had a 79 Corolla. Yeah. Yeah. Not many people have cars. Yeah.

It was really like the successful in Vientiane, the capital, was at the time anyway to have a motor scooter. That was a big deal. And so the fact that Vore had this just the most rickety car you can possibly imagine. But it had four wheels. But it had four wheels. Maybe a tape deck? Yeah. Successful people in Vientiane would go to the bowling alley.

There is a bowling alley there. That was also a very big deal. It's where the high rollers go. Sure. And of course, the disco. Yes. Yeah, yeah sure we wear good fashion that's what my cousin would say to me we go by fashion like it's like yes so you just hear la la la fashion disco what is a good what is a what is an example like what is the if if if the

if the laocean hot car is the 79 Corolla, what is the hot fashion? Oh, wow. Well, it was – A shirt that says, I have a 79 Corolla. Yeah. They still wear a traditional dress. Like, sin is the skirt, the fabric that kind of makes kind of a – It's like a wrap skirt.

A wrap, yeah. So more beautiful fabric, more beautiful, intricate embroidery. But it's very... There's not still not much westernized. And if you're going to wear slacks because you work a government job and you look like Mao Zedong. Yeah. Like, it's not like... Yeah, no, no.

A lot of... You see... I mean, women in Laos really, at least when I was there, mostly wear traditional dress. It's beautiful, too. Beautiful women also. But those wrap skirts are gorgeous. Just gorgeous. And people, especially the further you get out in the city, like people wear ones that are sort of that are imported fabrics and are sort of like sometimes um, sometimes like sort of sorry fabrics, you know,

like, um, but, uh, uh, the further out you get, you get more people that like embroidered their own shit and stuff. And you're like,

damn, like that is, what an amazing thing to do with, with your, you know, to make something so beautiful for yourself. Like it, it really makes buying something at the store seem really pathetic.

Yeah. Yeah. To have like a textile. Speaking of textiles. Speaking of textiles. I know somebody here is going to a textile show later. I may be going to the vintage textile show after we record this program. Wow.

And that's at a. That's in someone's house, right? That's in a dude's garage. No, it's in like some kind of VFW hall or something in Burbank. Sure. It's definitely in Burbank. What's the, I mean, what's their prized textile that you? Well, I don't know.

I've never been to a vintage textile show. So like reams of fabric that perhaps are. I am hoping so. I mean, I think that there is, I think that they will, you will also find vintage clothing at this show. And I think that a lot of the textiles will be like lace and linens, you know, and quilts and shit. Okay. You know, that kind of thing. But I am definitely, I am going hoping that there will be some dealers there that have fabrics because I would like to make a suit,

buy them for, I could potentially make a suit from them or I could buy, I'm actually looking for stuff. I started a, I haven't talked about this on Jordan. Oh boy, exclusive. New information.

Over at Put This On, I have started a sort of pocket square of the month club called the Put This On Gentlemen's Association. Do you understand that I love this? Number one, I love, I went to fit them. I love? Number one, I love... I went to FITM. I love fashion.

Two, I love clubs. I love monthly clubs. I did not know that you were... A five-weekly club is a little much. That's a little too frequently. But come hard to the paint on a monthly club. Sure. FITM is the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising,

if I'm not mistaken. That's correct. I went to the Los Angeles campus. Los Angeles campus. That's right. That's what brought me. That's where you learned to be a fashion designer or a clerk at a Chanel store, correct? It's like two jobs you can have.

Yeah. When did you get interested in comedy? I guess I wouldn't have guessed that about you. I got interested in high school when I was in my speech team in Humorous and Terp. That's short for interpretation. Wait, is that where you read a Mark Twain essay out loud, right? Is that what that is? Oh, come on, man. There's all different.

Sure, you could do that. It's that or a modest proposal. One of the two. Again, two choices. I like two choices. And you do great things where you do different characters, but to do different characters, you have to look a different way and do your body a different way. And you compete with other nerds.

The world. But who can alter their posture more completely? Yeah, you spend early mornings on a Saturday. You get on a bus and you go to, you know, Burnsville High. Oh, those fucking, oh, I hope you whipped their ass, those smug bastards. I have done two... Sorry, I think rivalries are fun. I have done two speech nerd related things on The sound of young america i i interviewed um jeffrey blitz about his uh film about uh debates that i can't think of the name of right now but was wonderful and um i interviewed

this guy uh who wrote a book about high school debate and how it changed his life and speaking as someone who i mean here's the thing. I was on the academic decathlon team. But I think that I didn't get the real academic decathlon experience because I went to an arts high school where there was no, no one was serious about anything. So our academic decathlon team, we would just go to the contest. Not even your Balinese mask work? Well, we were pretty serious about mask work.

Are you being serious right now? To some extent, space work. Oh, sure. And, well, I mean... Existing in a space. Creating and existing in a space. Somewhat ironically, we were quite serious about Comedia dell'arte. Sure.

There's only one way to be. But in terms of extracurricular activities, like I know that some people, I know that some people even in our school district who were on academic decathlon teams, they would have meetings and practice and study and have mock tournaments. So you're trying to say that you were the ragtag

academic decathlon team, like the Mighty Ducks. We were distinctly ragtag. I would say that our main strength as an academic decathlon team, like the Mighty Ducks. We were distinctly rag-tag. I would say that our main strength as an academic decathlon team was the fact that being an arts high school, academic decathlon, for some reason, it's the only thing that's like this. To keep up with the rag-tag sports metaphor, your one asset was the funny fat kid.

Yeah, that's true. No, in academic decathlon, the teams are composed of people with different grade point averages. So it's because they want it to be all kinds of kids that benefit from it, I guess. It's run by like the Lions Club

or something like that or the Rotary maybe. And so you have to have kids with like no better than a 2.5, no better than a 3.5. And then you can have kids on your team who have any grade point average. And a single Jew. And so we... You may have a single Jew.

The School of the Arts team would struggle in competing against the other school's 4.0 students. competing against the other school's 4.0 students. But if an arts high school has one thing, it's bright kids with low grade point averages. And so we were competitive essentially because, despite the fact that we didn't practice or anything, because we had really brilliant kids with 2.3 GPA. Suchas never showed up to school except for the academic decathlon competition or

whatever. So anyway, that was my experience with that. And they made that a priority because that's where you got all the pussy. Yeah, exactly. Well, not. Yeah. I'm a decathlete. But was there a lot of I mean, I guess, you know, there's that stereotype about the band

kids or the drama kids. But on speech and debate, was there a lot of intergroup hooking up? I think there was. I was not popular in school, especially with the boys. I really didn't do it. You don't got to be popular to bone down. That's everybody's. I wish you told me that when I was 12.

Just drop trow and see what happens. Just present your genitals like a mandrill. You do have a blue butt, right? Absolutely. Right. That gets swollen. Who don't? When you're heavy with eggs.

Mandrill eggs. Goosey day. No, but I mean, even if you weren't doing it were you witnessing a lot of like people who like oh maybe they were on opposing sides so it was kind of naughty like is that? Oh no I just usually there would be like noodling

in like the bus there like banana noodling They were catching catfish with their bare hands I am from Minnesota. And that was erotic. That was like an erotic display. Yes. Oh, and then after we can go get some hot dish.

Hot dish. Minnesota humor, Jordan. You wouldn't understand. I wouldn't. I'm sitting there. I went there once for a conference. Casseroles. He was learning about the radio.

Yeah, wake me up when you guys have some jokes about Spago, okay? As an Angeleno, those are the only jokes I respond to. So then Wolfgang Puck says, What? Oh, God. Sundried tomatoes. Yay. He just says that?

That's all he says? That's what he goes around. Put them on everything. He's Fred Schneider from the B-52, by the way. You take a sun-dried tomato, you put it on everything. Oh, yeah.

Why doesn't that tomato... Thank you for picking up the bass part. Why doesn't that dish have avocado? The dogs are coming up for that. The dogs are upset that we're having too much fun. Coco, it's okay. We don't like the B-52s. Coco hates Kitsch.

I should have explained that Coco is opposed to Kitsch. And so, and Camp also. She really hates both Kitsch and Camp. So she is really uncomfortable. Our next segment was just going to be us watching Pink Flamingos. I know. Is that going to be a problem? Anything involving artsy homosexuals from the years 1978 to 1990,

Coco is against. Artsy homosexuals. That's surreal. But here's the thing that I was... As opposed to one of those like woodworking homosexuals or like a steel mill homosexual. Yeah, this mechanic.

Yeah. Jordan, don't stereotype the gay community. I'm sorry. We've probably got lots of blue collar gays in our audience that are hot under the collar right now that you've put down for what about, for example,

just as an example, Jordan, what about Civil War reenacting homosexuals? Oh, well, that's a given. That's a popular kind of homosexual. This is what I wanted to ask you so speech and debate yes is it's like i'm trying to think of something else that it might be like like maybe like a like a crew team it is something that seems to have its own world yes that is so focused yes do you didn't you didn't do the kind of speech and debate where they talk really fast, right?

No, no. I didn't do debate. I just did, yeah, I just did speech. Because my acting teacher, my drama teacher was like, we should put you in something. You're sort of funny. You should do something. Other than. Let's focus that energy.

Go do something. Other than just cry into comic books in the corner. Yeah. You used to just sop up your tears. why don't we break you out of your shell um but yeah it definitely is like you you get up early in the morning on a saturday and we all really want to make it to state uh-huh we want to make it to state and you dress up that's part of it you should understand my whole understanding of making making it to state is based on The television show

Friday Night Lights Oh my god I love that show so much Was it basically The same as that? Less physical activity And How depressing was it?

No Tyra Was it as depressing As Friday Night Lights? Kind of I mean it's a different Kind of depressing Because of what Kid got paralyzed Oh that the one kid got paralyzed

oh that's right nobody got paralyzed he fell off the podium yeah um gosh and i just oh yeah there's this thing where you do three you have your piece right for the year basically really for the entire year pretty much for the season and you just hone it early you hone it and you go to different meets and you do it three times with what are the events besides humor in terp well other people would do like drama and terp um i think there were two oh this is what i call it is that what you call it yeah there's duo that's a like that's a sex thing right sure absolutely wheelbarrow wheelbarrowing endurance wheelbarrow sure what else i'm trying to think there's there's tons everyone did different categories like i'm just imagining like a high school chemistry teacher like watching some high school as fuck and then just writing down seven yeah

and then just jacking off immediately. Writes down the seven and then. If you got number one in all of your three meets, then they call them picket fences. Wait, what? You got picket fences because you were number one

in all. So there's only three meets before state? No, that's, you do your piece three times per, like, contest, basically, to different judges. Oh, it's like a round robin.

And then they rank you. And then... Ideally, you would get picket fences. Ideally. Ideally, you would get picket fences. Right. Sure. What did you... So, do you do something from a play?

It's pieces. I think I remember doing... Maybe I did a Dur durang yeah or that was in contention sure i think i think most people do it yeah yeah for durang monologue yeah sure yeah i'm sure most plays aren't funny that's why as i understand it most plays are are sad and or boring i think i did oh my first piece was like a teach like was an esl class so that i could do different accents but then it's like moving my head around like i am russian here i am asian here it's just horrible so the idea is to create sort of a twilight los angeles type experience

well in that piece it was yeah okay that's interesting i like this but then it seemed like all the drama ones were just like about rape and my child was ripped from me and died and like what was that and i did i did i did a i can um i can relate a little bit to this i went to a couple of like um drama like competitions where you would pick a monologue or you know you would prepare a short scene and uh yes something that i feel like i had to watch 10 times in high school was some depressing monologue about a nun who got pregnant sure oh my gosh and then of course she looked up to the heavens for answers and like that that hang there look hang there in your eyes just look at those lights stick that landing for a little bit. Yeah, but you're just in like a chemistry classroom.

Yes. Yes. Different parts of some school that's closed down. Yes, and you're being ranked by an artsy homosexual. I give that an A. By divine. Right. A very mature performance. Oh, no. The dogs are going to come up again. Right. A very mature performance.

Oh, the dogs are going to come up again. Whoa. Sorry. You really plumbed the depths. God, that was weird. We're talking about it. That was a weird activity. Yes.

It's a weird activity. What if Shakespeare was a fraud? Yes. Guys, it's a weird activity. What if Shakespeare was a fraud? Wait, Jordan's doing his piece right now. Let's judge. In my piece, I just recycle billboard slogans that I've seen. What if Shakespeare was a fraud?

We cater to dental chickens. I give it a four. Didn't take into account Sir Francis Bacon. Oh, yeah. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, I apologize. No. I don't mean to confuse your ethnic identity. Apologies. Necessary.

Seriously, fuck them, Hong. Am I right? Fuck them. I never said that, you guys. Fuck those refugee fucks trying to escape war and ethnic persecution. They'd be tripping. They're really like, they're like 90% of the Lao in the United States, right? They're like a huge proportion, despite being a very small proportion of the population of Laos. Yeah. Well, they received amnesty because of their help with the U.S. government.

Also, they're just... They're like the Kurds of Laos. And they're way more organized in America. They really got their acts together. In Minnesota, there are Hmong people in government. Yeah. Lao people are lazy. They are lazy. How lazy are they?

Well, let me tell you something. What? They really are, though. They really instill in their children to be a part of government, to be active in community, to they're very church-based as well, Christian-based. So hats off to you, Mo.

Sure. You know, if they learn that if you work hard enough, one day you can run the Mall of America. Right? Am I right? Yes. Minnesota, right? Ideally, sure.

Minnesota. One day you can be in the time it's Minnesota stuff Jordan yeah you wouldn't understand do you get it the time

Jordan yes I want to mention yes I was in I was in Tampa for this conference and we had a meetup

and I'm sorry I didn't announce it on Jordan Jesse I'm sorry if there are people in the in the Tampa St. Petersburg area who are just finding out about this you should have been following me on twitter uh but i announced it on twitter we had a great meetup we had 15 or

20 people there going around blocking everybody they can't see these meetup announcements you're blocking them can i can i clear up one thing about this yes you may okay i just want people out there to know i don't think you're blocking i have only i have only blocked like eight people i'm sure total uh-huh ever i just when i said that when somebody says something me tweet something mean at me i block them that's fair yeah it's totally fair i don't need i don't need to get involved right yeah yeah sorry bye um but anyway that's not what i'm here to talk about what i'm talking here to talk about is the wonderful people who came to this meetup just wonderful just the nicest folks uh i mean it always is the nicest folks we have really nice pleasant fans yeah but it was

really it was cool because a couple people from the conference came and they were really impressed that i had like fans show up for something because they don't have fans. They're journalists. Sure. They barely have friends. And so that was really great. Everybody was really great. We got a couple of nice gifts. And I want to thank the folks who brought us some gifts. There were some nice gifts for Simon.

You actually got a nice gift there. Yeah, I got a talisman. This is a circular rock on a kind of a leather piece of rope. I was wondering if it... And I'm swinging it around. And I'm scared. It can fly off at any second. I was wondering if it was like a millstone or a wheel or a sling. What is it?

It's like some kind of aboriginal weapon. Yeah, I mean, I think I could use this to maybe bring down, oh, I don't know, a koala? Yeah. Just knock one of those little fuckers out of his tree? Yeah, or what about South America? You could take out a capybara. Sure. Sure, or just drop it on the 101 and kill somebody while they're driving.

I love it. I love it. while they're driving. I love it. I love it. We are having fun. I love it. We are having fun. Random murders. Unmotivated. I actually got a gift in the mail that I am in turn going to give to you, Jordan.

Oh. Just because I think you'll really enjoy it. Sure. Goodie. I've got it over here. Great. I'm just going to give to you, Jordan. Oh. Just because I think you'll really enjoy it. Sure. Goodie. I've got it over here. Great. I'm just going to grab it. Yeah, he's reaching down.

Pocket pussy, pocket pussy, pocket pussy, come on. What? What is that? That is a pillow. It's a throw pillow with your face on it. Oh. I can fuck this. Yeah, I can, okay.

Yeah, I can fuck this. I came home. Wow, this is bizarre. I came home after a long, and I'm going to ask you to describe this in a moment, this is bizarre. I came home after a long... And I'm going to ask you to describe this in a moment, Jordan. I came home after a long flight. I don't think I have enough screams. I came home after a long flight from Florida.

And I was bummed out because I missed the seventh game of the World Series. But I had some mail waiting for me. And I love mail. I thought it might have been something I bought on eBay. I thought it must be something great. So I open it up and I found this fucking thing. So this is your face. Yes.

On a potato-shaped pillow. Kidney-shaped. Kidney, yeah. On the back, it's kind of potato-like. I guess it has little eye spots. And on the other side is your face, and it's been kind of stretched and distorted across this. As if, you know, you had Down syndrome.

I would say it looks like it looks like you've been taken over by the thing. John Carpenter's the thing. But you're revealing yourself. Your body is becoming distorted. You're just about to emerge through your face. Your crazy monster claws are about to come out of your mouth. We should explain that this

is not some sort of adorable felt representation of my face. This is a nightmarish, high-quality digital printout of my face. Your lips look so soft and luscious, though. The color on them. They do look very luscious. Very kissable.

Very kissable. It's kind of like a Japanese companion pillow, except nothing like that. This is deep, deep in the uncanny valley. Japanese companion pillow except nothing like that. This is deep, deep in the uncanny valley. This thing is fucking horrifying. Horrifying. And I want to point out that I did not ask for this. At no point did I say,

you know what I'd love to get? I'd love to get a picture of myself creepily stretched across a pillow. God, it's amazing, though. Yeah. It is terrifying. But look. But no, but I mean, it is like, it is an incredible feat of human ingenuity. Like, how does that happen?

The back of it's super soft. Just to give you guys texture. Please. It's made by a company called Pillow Mob. It's washable, Jordan. Oh, good. And it's made in Seattle. It is genuinely... Oh, man. The most hor... So, this is

where... Was there a note with it? This is, yeah. Yes, but I think what it was... I mean, these folks must listen to the show. It was a slightly impersonal note. So I'm guessing that what it is is that the folks who run this terrifying pillow-making company thought, what internet influencers? I mean, as we all know, I'm a powerful social media influencer. Totes. Totes my goats. That's, I'm a powerful social media influencer. Totes. Totes my goats.

That's why you got a free Windows phone. Absolutely. I Facebooked about Barack Obama, and now he's president. So I think we can see why they would send me something. But this is, I mean, it's just a picture they got on the internet, number one. This is, I mean, it's just a picture they got on the internet, number one. They, what, the part that, here's the thing. If they had decided to make a pillow, maybe they would have thought to make a pillow that had, say, our logo on it.

You know, the rocket ship or something. Like a round pillow with one soft side and one rocket ship side. You know what I mean? But someone not only thought, here's a good idea to get some promotion for our company. We'll make nightmare pillows. We'll flatten out minor internet celebrities' faces and stretch them across potato pillows. I can't stop looking at it. I can't stop looking at it. I can't stop looking at it and then you,

and then back to it, and then back to you. We will crinkle the edges. Which one do I want to destroy more? We will crinkle the edges to make it more unsettling. I hate that. That looks so creepy. So that weird crinkles stretch into their eyes. But not only did they make this plan. So I can sort of understand making this plan.

But then at the end of this plan, they went... Jesus Christ, this thing is upsetting. Oh, he kissed himself. They made this plan and then out of their pillow making machine their high-tech internet pillow certainly with lasers they got this pillow and they said to themselves they said to themselves yeah this is good let's send this let's send this to the guy that the picture is out with no warning you should just put it on your chest and go as, like, Total Recall. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's your parasite twin going out of your stomach. Oh, my God. Now I'm Zaphod Beeblebrox. Yeah. From the hit film, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Starring Moe Staff and Sam Rockwell. No? And Tim from The Office? film the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy starring sam rockwell no and tim from the office i just can't stop looking at you again and then back at the the pillow it's it's amazing you guys post

pictures like you have to post this it's we will post this we'll post a picture of this on the forum it and i think that there are a few upsetting things. I think we can catalog the upsetting things about this. Number one, the back is a little bit too soft. And it also has tone on tone dots. Sure. That make it look like eyes on a potato. Yeah, yeah. That is creepy.

It looks like the back of my head has a creepy disease. Right. Okay, that's number one. Number two, anytime you take something three-dimensional and two-dimensional and two-dimensionalize it but then re-three-dimensionalize it by stuffing it with stuffing that's not going to be a good look you that pillow looks like a combination of jimmy fallon and harris whittles it doesn't look as much as you as a merger of those two people. It's the size of my head.

That's upsetting. That is upsetting. I'm upset. They left in my five o'clock shadow here on my upper lip. So that's also upsetting. my upper lip. So that's also upsetting. But I would argue that the most upsetting is that the seams, because of the shape, because it's ovular.

Sure. That's not a word. That's not a word for that. Because it's ovaltine. Because it's ovaltine. The seams are... Pinched. Pinched, yeah, they're puckery

As if it was a mylar balloon Yes, exactly, like a mylar balloon It has puckered seams And some of those puckered seams are puckering Like my eyebrows and the corners of my eyes In a very upsetting way Yeah I think what you should do is you should put that in your child's crib

To ensure that he grows up to murder you. Yeah. Now it's on your crotch. Yep. Now you are face penis. Congratulations. Oh, my God. That's the photo you need to post to the forum.

Yeah. Oh, God. Wow. Anyway, I just, I didn't know what to do with this. I really wanted to, here's another thing about it. Sure. I want to throw it away. No. But I Sure I want to throw it away No

But I don't want to throw myself away Oh right yeah It might be It could have voodoo properties That's what I'm worried about Is there a voodoo curse on it? Feel it Oh yeah

Is this a portrait of Dorian Gray situation Where you need to like It seems like something I might have to defend Right I might should get a safe deposit box for it Yeah Right Yeah I think so Is that the best thing to box for it. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Is that the best thing to do for it? You might live

forever if that pillow remains intact. Do you think I have to bring it food once a year on the night before Halloween? Oh yeah, maybe you have to kill a drifter. You mean on Goose Day? Now you've got to... Yes, every

Goosey night. Goosey night. You must sacrifice a human hand. It's known that because you have to bring your face avatar pillows, Gooseberries. Your eyes are very soulful in this. It's like your pillow self is seeing right through me. Yes, I shall refer this as your pillow self. From henceforth. But there's something upsetting about it too

that maybe what it's seeing through is your clothes. Maybe you could use that for like marital difficulties. Like maybe like if you and Teresa are having like a disagreement, you can say like, all right, Teresa, say it to my pillow self. having like a disagreement, you can say like, all right, Teresa, say it to my pillow self.

Or just when she's angry, instead of, instead of taking it out on me, she could punch. You should add a little like sound box in it to where it goes. Ouch. Guess what? Pillow mob.

You've found a customer in me. That will be my Christmas gift for everybody. Everybody. Is it face pillows of you or themselves that's amazing can i get my dick on one i guess is what i want to know we did jordan can you yeah if i send in a jpeg of my dick we did get a coupon for a free one in the letter so if you want to maybe your butt might make a good one yeah because the thing is jordan i think you can only have that shape so it's gonna be your penis picture stretched yeah i mean that's on a potato that's it he would prefer his penis to be

elongated yeah ah slam ouch oh yeah we'll be back in just a second i'm, Jesse, go. What do I do with it, right? What the fuck am I supposed to do with it? I feel like I can't throw it away. Put it away for now. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Boy detective.

Cool-up, you lie sack. Totally present and willing to love. Oh, my God. Yeah. Good. Sounds great. You shocked yourself with your own nickname. Was that a breakthrough for you?

Did you put up a wall? You know that we're not at a ladies' retreat right now. How dare you? I think the world is a ladies' retreat. Kulap, man, how dare you? Yeah. That's awesome. That's awesome. That's tremendous.

But if you guys want to form a trust ring right now, I could do that. As long as we bring in that pillow. Right, yes, the pillow could be part of our circle of trust. We put the pillow in the middle, we dance around it. Well, we have a ceremony where you light your candle and then use it to light the pillow on fire. Hey, let's talk about...

Jordan's candle is his penis. Go ahead. Right. I'm going to piss on the pillow. Can we please talk about our sponsors this week on the program?

First of all, I would like to thank a new advertiser on this week's program. That is Josh Zisson, attorney at law. Yes. Cool.

Yeah, well, he... Don't act... He's the official attorney of George S.O. this week. Don't act quite so crazy. Okay, so this is what Josh is up to. He is a...

He practices general law in the Boston, Massachusetts area. He was on the Jumbotron once. Oh, sure. Now he was so happy. He's now a proper advertiser, so thanks to Josh. He's also doing a really cool thing, which is he is distributing these little pamphlets to bicycle stores across the Boston area that show what your rights are as a cyclist according to the laws, the new bicycle safety laws in Massachusetts. And so you have this illustration on the back of what your rights are as a cyclist.

And then also you have this little thing inside where you can write down all the details if you get in an accident in case there has to be legal consequences for the accident. I know. It's really cool. I think it's really, really a neat thing. So if you are a cyclist in the Boston area, you might want to grab one of these things from one of your local bike shops. It's called the Bicyclist's Accident Report, just in case. local bike shops. It's called the Bicyclist's Accident Report, just in case. You can also,

and I will, we'll put this address up on the sponsors thread in the Maximum Fun Forum, but you can also send him an SASE and he'll send you one of these for free, or several if you want several. It's Joshua Zisson, Z-I-S-S-O-N, 63 Atlantic Avenue, Suite 3, Boston, Massachusetts, 02110. So you can rewind if you missed that or you can find it on the Internet. But really cool. And, you know, he also practices general law. So if you just need a consultation or whatever. But I think this is really cool to have a liar Who's representing the old Bicycle folk

They need somebody on their side They only got half the wheels They ought to have And many of them don't have brakes I am pro-bicycle Why am I always picking on bicycles? I love bicycles I used to commute to school and work on a bicycle.

Those bike folks can be a little silly sometimes. Yeah. They get a little wimpy. Yeah, you know, they seem to, they have a please wedgie me quality about them sometimes. And their pants are too tight. That was so sweet what you just said. All of it was so sweet. But if you need legal representation,

you can either email Josh at jpzison at gmail.com or give him a telephone call, 617-444-9626. That's 617-444-9626. Or his email address, jpzisson at gmail.com. And all that information will also be on the forum if you missed it.

Also, how about our friends at makepixelart.com? Yes. This is where, this is a website, a web application where you can make pictures using pixels like you were designing characters for a Nintendo game. Oh.

The old Nintendo. I get eight bit. Regular, the Nintendo Entertainment System. Not this Super Nintendo that, frankly, is just a little too flashy. That Famicom is a little too super for me. Yeah. With its Mode 7 scrolling? Anyway, okay.

Just trying to think of a super name. With its Super Scope 6. Okay. That's something. Yeah. Yeah. Bringing me back to the good old days when all there was was a robot

that rewinded your cartridge or something. Sure. Didn't you have that robot, Jordan? Oh, yeah, totally. Yeah, I robbed the video robot. What did it do besides get hot and burn children? Yeah, well, yeah, it had spinning discs that got very hot when used for more than two minutes. God, yeah, it was really, really weird.

It was to this game called Gyromite. And when you needed to open doors in Gyromite, it would move a disc, one of these hot death discs, from one area to another, and that would open the door in the game. It's very strange. What I've always been fascinated about this, Jordan, is that I think that, like me, you grew up on the dicey end of middle class. on the dicey end of middle class. And I have to say that this is like the one thing that was in your life that is purely for rich kids. Sure.

And so I just find myself speculating wildly as to how you ended up with it. And I always end up assuming that you got it the way that I got an Atari Lynx, which is to say that a rich kid got bored of it and gave it to you as a gift out of pity. God, yeah, I don't remember the circumstances under which I got my Nintendo,

but I do remember that there was just the nice Nintendo bundle that had Rob the Video Robot, it had the Zapper Gun, where you would play Duck Hunt with. So there was kind of the bare bones Nintendo bundle. And then there was like the bundle that came with everything. And I think that's what we got. So I don't, I don't, I don't know.

I don't think it was a hand-me-down, but. Our special thanks, our thanks to Rob the Video Robot, opening doors in Gyromite since 1985. Makepixelart.com is the website. And hey, if anybody makes something, I would like to, I would like to see someone making some Max Fun related pixel art on makepixelart.com. So make something and share it in the thread for this episode.

Maybe like something like a pillow shaped like Jesse's head. No. No. A no. A no. A no. But seriously, I would like to see, I mean, what could we see? You could see maybe a penguin in the pants. No. But seriously, I would like to see... I mean, what could we see?

You could see maybe a penguin in the pants. Sure. Coco. Yeah, Coco, the brown, brown dog. There's a lot of cool stuff. You could Coco being upset at Camp. And Kitch. And Kitch.

Does not like Camp or Kitch. Does not like atomic furnishings, so-called atomic furnishings. Prefers a more mid-century modern aesthetic. I'd say wood, simple lines. Yeah, clean lines, a Scandinavian type thing. You know about that. You're from Minnesota. Certainly.

I should say on the subject of the Jumbotron, I had a follow-up email with Zena, who placed the personal ad. Yes. I don't want to reveal too much of her personal business. Cool, I'll offer you a listener in Seattle. A lady put a personal ad up looking for a date. I am happy to report that it's going very well.

Again, I'm not here to kiss and tell for her but it's going very well so for if there are jordan how well is it going for for xena very well yes so if there are any uh for the-lorn out there in the audience If you want results For your genitals As we all do Don't we? Let's just say you want things to go

Very well Very well Hey, speaking of the Jumbotron Why don't we say what's up on the Jumbotron This week First of all, we have a message from Bobby to Alex Russell. Bobby says, I'd like to wish a happy belated birthday to Alex Russell, who I recently learned is a loyal JJ Go listener. hoping, and you're not obligated to do this, Jordan, that you will perform some kind of birthday rap or a spoken word version of a birthday-related song to honor Alex's special

day. Boy, that's an odd request. It's not something I've done before. Well, I mean, you're known for your novelty raps. Oh, you know what? You're thinking of the Fat Boys. Oh, gosh. You're thinking of the Fat Boys. Oh, gosh. You're thinking of... I know you've

confused us again. I was thinking, Jordan is back and you know he will never be whack. Yep. Your birthday is this year. Hear a song with your ear. Yes. What do you think about that? Oh, yeah. That was great.

Hear a newt. That was great. Here. Newt. That represents both the fat boys and the jumbotron going very well. Newt Gingrich. We've got one more message here. This is a television comedy aimed at helping all kinds of quirky and nerdy kids navigate the confusing world of social relationships. It's called Flummox and Friends. They are trying to raise the money to shoot a pilot for this show on Kickstarter. I looked at their website, which is flummoxandfriends.com. Flummox spelled how you would expect it to be. It looks like a really cool thing

it's sort of about a team of inventors that are very bad at inventing in a comical way and they also have to what they have to really have to learn

is how to relate to other children oh that's fun yeah it's really sweet I like that it's for children it's for children like Kulop

who don't have speech what if Kulop hadn't had speech and debate to bring her out of her shell? Oh, my gosh. What would happen? Who would I be? To give her an opportunity to do accents and show that she could be of value to the world. That's right.

Through accents. It's flummoxandfriends.com. If you want to advertise on Jordan, Jesse, go. Email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. And if you want to get up on the Jumbotron, just go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Go. This is Dan from Massachusetts calling within a momentous occasion. I was going out to the local liquor store to grab myself a beer, get a long night ahead of me, walk in the door, and you know who's in there?

He's got a long night ahead of him, Jordan. Yeah. He's going to need to be at least a little bit drunk. He's going to be a little buzzed. He's got to get his buzz on because he has a long night ahead of him. It's part of his prep. Sure, you've got to lay down a foundation. That's right, lubricate.

As the Laotians have a foundation of church, this guy is... The Hmong people. The Hmong. Guys, come on, get it straight. They're the Laotian Christians. I'm sorry. Get it straight. They're the Laotian Christians.

This guy's church overnight camp kids aren't going to take care of themselves. No. And he's not going to take care of them if he's not buzzed. Yeah, that's right. No, it's Dan Aykroyd is in there. Yeah, he's selling his vodka stuff. I don't have $50, so I can't Buy one of his magic Ghost vodkas from the sign

But I thought it was pretty cool Anyway keep it up Bye That's amazing Crystal Head Vodka He goes liquor store to liquor store Wow I mean that's grassroots Do you think he wears one of those

Polyester sport coats like he used to wear on Saturday Night Live when he was doing commercial pitchman parodies? No, I hope so. He's the Norman Mameway selling Crystal Head Vodka. I would enjoy seeing that. Boy, yeah. I mean, but also, dude, alright. You can fucking find

50 bucks. If the opportunity presents itself to buy a bottle of Crystal Head Vodka, you find the 50 bucks. My mom did. She works at Byerly's in Minnesota, a grocery store, and Mr. Dan Aykroyd was there. What? She bought my husband, Scott

Ackerman, a Crystal Head Vodka so that he could sign it, and she shipped it to us. Oh my god. So she had to pay not only the shipping cost, but also the packing cost at the mailboxes, et cetera. And I bet there's a special box for shipping glass. I bet.

Which is more expensive. You got it right. And you also have to buy those stickers that say, warning, contents may be paranormal. Do you think Danny DeVito does the same thing for Limoncello? Yeah. Do you think he shows up at... Well, definitely those stickers. He definitely does.

Because when he went on tour, when he went on Limoncello tour, people sent us pictures of them with Danny DeVito because they knew about our passion for the Danny DeVito Limoncello theme song. Danny DeVito's Limoncello, the most delightful drink from this charming fellow. Yep, it's real. It is a real song. No. It is a real song.

Oh, my God. That's amazing. Yeah. Okay, let's go to the... Oh, I wanted to say, someone at this conference that I was at, you know, there was a hashtag, and you were supposed to tweet about what was going on at the conference. This is something that happens

at conferences these days. And also in Congress. Yeah, and also in Congress. They just put up the hashtag. Guys. Hashtag finance reform. Fellow Congressmen, women, please. The House recognizes the hashtag you know you black if.

I would like to speak to the, you know she's a hoe lobby. Directly, please. tweeted that I was like, who was Canadian, tweeted that I was like an American Dan Aykroyd, which I chose to interpret as a compliment at first, but then started to have doubts about. No, I mean, if a Canadian, I would say that, yes, you should be suspicious of that,

but like coming from a Canadian, like there's no one that they respect more than the original cast of Saturday Night Live or SCTV. Right. Sure. Okay.

Like even if you was like, even if it was a less attractive, even if it was like, oh, he's like an American Rick Moranis, I would still have like, I would still take that as an extreme compliment. I would like to have the green light power in Hollywood to be able to make my own straight talk about the paranormal straight to Netflix instant streaming feature length film. I, have you watched it yet? No, I haven't. Yeah, I keep toying with it because I have an interest. And you see it and they show it to you.

They want you to watch it. The robot inside the Netflix thinks that you want to see this definitely. Yeah, it's so funny. It's so funny. It's like when I'm just browsing Netflix incidents, it's so weird. Those things keep coming up like Dan Aykroyd speaks

to the paranormal. Troll 2. But then I'm like, and then I've seen those over and over again. I'm like, you know, there's like 10 Woody Allen movies out here

that I could have been watching that they just do not present to you. Yeah, well, my Netflix... But I have a whole list of gory father-daughter family thrillers. I'm convinced that my dog sitter

ruined my Netflix forever by watching like three or four direct-to-DVD action films starring former wrestlers in the WWF. Sure. And now all the things that I want to watch is anime and wrestler- directed DVD action films. Something with Triple H.

Yeah, yeah. Something with Triple H and Steven Seagal. So many things. And you know what? I do want to watch. There's only one action film that features a former professional wrestler that I want to watch, and that's MacGruber. Sure. If they were showing me MacGruber, yeah, I kind of want to watch that again.

With Ben's appearance from Chris Jericho. I was just thinking about how funny that ghost sex scene was in MacGruber, yeah, I kind of want to watch that again. With Ben's appearance from Chris Jericho. I was just thinking about how funny that ghost sex scene was in MacGruber. I would like to see that again. I would enjoy watching that again. MacGruber was a funny film. Okay. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, guest. Call this a momentous occasion.

First of all, I want to apologize. You should know that he can't hear you. What? This is a recording. Huh? It's sort of like a sound ghost that we're delivering to you. Yes, like that MacGruber scene. Yeah, exactly.

So you'll want to fuck it. Oh, goody. Loaded. If the audio is a little choppy, I am recording this in a Bluetooth in my car. My momentous occasion is that for the first time in my life, I just jerked off on the freeway. No. It's pretty amazing.

All right, anyway. Don't do that. Take care. Take care. Thanks for sharing. Bye. That's too dangerous. Yeah.

I don't know which is more dangerous, calling us, or jerking off is more dangerous. I was going to say I don't know which is more dangerous. You can go hands-, jerking off is more dangerous. I was going to say I don't know which is more dangerous. You can go hands-free. You can go hands-free. Yeah, you cannot... Well, maybe you can. Well, it depends if you have the right hands-free device.

Fair enough. Fair enough. If you've got the right butt plug. Fair enough. More to the point, yeah. Yes. Less of a joke, more of just a gross thing. Something about that may have made that...

I mean, we have had some very blue momentous occasions, but that may be the most blue momentous occasion we've ever had. Yeah. I don't think it's the most disgusting act that has been described. No, it's beautiful. And I want to make it clear. I said harmless. You were right when you said it was beautiful. It's beautiful and self-exploratory. All right, women's beautiful. And I want to make it clear. I said harmless. You were right when you said it was beautiful.

It's beautiful and self-exploratory. All right, women's retreat. Are we here? Are we still here? No, we're not going to stop trying to make a human knot with me. Stop getting to know our bodies. Guys, all three of us are Tauruses. We're very stubborn.

Okay. We had one last call, but my computer just went into hibernation mode because we were having too much fun talking about that one. Yeah. I'm sorry that that was the last. I did not intend for that one to be the last one. I saw that the name was called. I don't screen the calls. Our intern, Colin, screens the calls does a great job um and i saw that that file was named high speed jerkin i don't know that he was uh well i

guess he was on the freeway so he was probably going he was going at least 50 or 60 miles an hour yeah so i i didn't want i didn't want that to be the last taste in our mouth. Take them on, man. So to speak. There's so many images. This is a very tactile, very sensory. Right, very sensual. Very sensual podcast. I didn't realize.

But I forgot. I did not charge the battery enough in the computer that we play the calls off of. And so it will have to be. that we play the calls off of. And so it will have to be. It will have to be your last memory of momentous occasions for this program. Hey, listen, I actually have an action item. And that is this.

I'm going to be traveling out of the country to Belfast, Northern Ireland, and London, England. And while I am gone, we will have one program that will be a guest program. But what I would love to have is a 200th episode special when we come back.

Because I realized, I was counting it up, and I realized this is episode 198. Our next episode will be 199. And then after that will be our 200th episode. So this is what I would like for people to do. I would like people to suggest their favorite things from Jordan, Jesse, Go. Their favorite bits, moments, anything up to from two or three minutes to 10 or 15 minutes.

Your absolute favorites. And when you suggest them, I want to add one more thing. This is from the whole history of Jordan, Jesse go going all the way back to when it was called the untitled Thorne Morris project. I would like you to share with us, not just the thing that you're looking for,

but the time in the episode when it occurs, you know, from one minute, 28 seconds to seven minutes, 19 seconds, or from 24 minutes, 32 seconds to 27 minutes is 60 seconds. Timestamp it.

Yeah. Or is it going to be like a sitcom clip show where there's like a little thread of a story really? And then it's just us remembering things. Yeah. We're going to have to come up with some sort of story premise here. Um, but then our, our intern Colin will us remembering things. Yeah, we're going to have to come up with some sort of story premise here. But then our intern, Colin, will cut those clips, the ones that are the most beloved clips. Jordan and I maybe will come up with a premise.

And we'll throw together a clip show. It might take us—you will likely have to wait an extra week for this show. And I apologize, but that's just the reality of producing a program like this. But I think it's going to be fun. That's a nice way to celebrate our 200th episode. Congrats, you guys. Thank you. Thank you very much.

We have actually, we used to podcast by distributing cassette tapes for people's Walkman. It's true. It's true. The Walkman are a great band. They are. They are really good. Yeah, we used to give people cassettes

and then they would give those cassettes to the band the Walkman right and then and we gradually start to sound more and more like Bob Dylan

every consecutive album that is also how we are like the Walkman a little a little indie pop rock humor there sure we'll be back in just a second

on Jordan and Jessica. It's Jordan and Jessica. I'm sorry to interrupt the, I should explain to our audience that cool up in Jordan have filled the time between segments with an elaborate comedy bit featuring two young women who love to travel the world and, uh, are also less than a good people. Hey,

what's up? It's kind of like this. God, have you ever been to South America? God, don't they have the best museums? The museums, the food, the guys. It's so stupid, but I love to travel. So stupid. Have you ever slept with a gaucho? When am I not sleeping on a gaucho, behind a gaucho, or with a gaucho when am i not sleeping on a gaucho behind a gaucho

in a gaucho i love horseback riding oh my god bareback much my favorite bathroom in the world is on the year rail it's the all-time best bathroom. Jordan is a bathroom connoisseur. Yeah. I've shit everywhere. South America. Czech. Spain. Czech.

The Czech Republic. Czech, Czech. Okay, can we please stop this? I don't know. What do you think, listener? Would you like to hear 12 more minutes of this? Text 42248. Don't you worry.

There's many continents. Would you like to live the same nightmare that Jesse has been living as he's tried to engineer the show between segments? If yes, press 6. Well, Cool Up, it has been a joy to have you on our program Thank you for having me You are, of course, one of the hosts of the smash hit podcast Who Charted with the very funny Howard Kramer Dragon Boy Swag

Is his rap name And you might know his hit rap song, Nut Valet Who doesn't? As seen on the Jimmy Kimmel program. You guys are doing a live show somewhere here on the West Coast, correct?

Yes. This Wednesday, November 2nd, we will be at Laugh Hole at Chop Suey in Seattle, Washington. Well, that sounds tremendous.

Yes, I'm so excited. I'm not going to lie to you, Kulop. That sounds like a good time. The only way that that could get better is if you had a local legend involved in the

program. Jesse, Jesse, Jesse, I have to tell you something. Our guest... Wait, can I guess? Okay, go ahead. The Space Needle. Our guest is not the Space Needle. The ghost of Kurt Cobain. Okay, well, okay, wow. Now I feel like what I'm going to say is going to be as awesome. Oh, can I guess? One more.

Persistent Light Rain. Persistent light rain. Persistent light rain. We're going to get into a music chart. It's a music chart. So what are your thoughts on number two? Oh, okay. Oh, same thing. Oh, and it stopped.

Oh, there it goes again. You guys, our special, very special guest is Sir Mix-A-Lot. What? I'm so excited. That is tremendous. That is very exciting. A Seattle legend. Yeah.

A true legend of the city of Seattle. Hey, listen, Jordan, we are doing another one of our big shows here in the Los Angeles area on November 25th. That's the day after Thanksgiving. It's the Ice House in Pasadena. Still putting together the lineup, although I will say I did just talk to past Jordan Jesse Goh guest, Mr. Moshe Kasher. He will be performing

on the program. But we will have some very exciting stand-up comics on that show. I hope no one in Southern California will miss it. It was really a blast last month. I really think if people come out to these things, we can do this every month. We have a lot of funny comedian friends. Yeah.

And, you know, we don't quite ruin it. No. We don't help it. We don't quite ruin it. It's not ruined. Somebody's got to keep it from leaving the atmosphere and going into orbit. Sure. You know, somebody's got to keep it from leaving the atmosphere and going into orbit. Sure. You weigh it down.

You drown it. Somebody's got to keep it from busting loose from Earth's gravitational pull. You provide a service. That's our role. Hey, I want to mention one more thing as long as we're talking about live events. As I said, I am traveling across the Atlantic Ocean to visit our friends in London, England.

The best ocean. Oh, my God. You're so lucky. I drink water right out of the Atlantic Ocean. I know you're not supposed to. He does. He does. Spiritual.

Helps with my yeast tea. That's a yeast infection for those who don't know. This is a popular name for my yeast tea. That's a yeast infection for those who don't know. This is a popular name for a yeast infection. These guys came up with during one of the breaks. Shasti, did you take care of your yeast tea? You guys, can I cross

borders with a yeast tea? I mean, what type of visa do you have? If it's within the EU, is that okay? Oh my God. It couldn't be perfect. More perfect. Okay, go ahead.

Say you're a student. Always say you're a student. I am doing a Make Your Thing talk, which is my talk about making independent media in London, England on November 16th at 8pm at a place called The Green Man. This is in something that originally I thought was called Monkey Bone, but it turns out it's called

Marley Bone. Marley Bone is... Marley Bone I think could be a sequel to both Monkey Bone and Marley and Me. They happened in the same universe. Yeah. It's like every Stephen King novel.

It's the crossover event of the awards season. Brendan Fraser and Owen Wilson in Marley Bone. Where they dig up the bones of the dog that died at the end of Marley and Me. It's uplifting. Tickets are on sale for this thing right now just go to MaximumFun.org it's there under events and it is a very small place

so get your tickets now or get locked out and we will be having a we will be having a meet up afterwards it is a cider house so the good news is cider house rules will apply. Where you rape your daughter and she knifes you to death.

Spoiler alert. Michael Caine is addicted to ether. And then Spider-Man. Spider-Man. And the third one wasn't as good. Spiderman Spiderman and the third one wasn't as good

yeah so there's going to be a meetup afterwards I guess is what I'm saying and if a couple more people if a couple more people say they want to have a meetup in Belfast

I will I will host a meetup in Belfast I am willing to host a meetup in Belfast it will be the gosh that'll be the first week of November, second week of November.

We will have a meetup in Belfast, maybe on Wednesday night. How about that? Tuesday night, Wednesday night, somewhere in Belfast. But you've got to go on the forum and tell me that you'll come, because right now I've only had one or two people say that they'll come. That's not even Tampa Bay numbers. Yeah, that's not a meetup that's a date yeah and i mean you know i'm open to the possibilities but but you know yeah and baby and the wife will be home taking care of the baby back at the hotel hey you're on the road right

blow off some steam that's right he'll the pillow. It'll always be free at least. Yeah, right? Yeah. Hey, look, I'm a married man, but my pillow's single. It doesn't have a dick, so I provide the dick. Anyway, I just want to throw that out there because it is, you know, it's the native city of my very own stepmother. It's a place very close to my heart, Belfast, Northern Ireland. And so if anybody wants to have a meetup or just fuck the pillow, you know, you just rub the soft side on their Johnson or whatever.

It's cool. Sure. Let's go. Let's do it. Right? Yes. Let's do it. Let's do it, right?

Yes. Let's do it. 206-984-4FUN, our telephone number, jjgoatmaximumfun.org. Email us or post in the forum thread your favorite moments from Jordan Jesse Ghost to help us put together our clip show. And remember to include where they happen in the episodes. Don't tweet them at us because I won't be able to keep track of those. But email them to jjgoatmaximumfun.org or post them in the episodes um don't tweet them at us because i won't be able to keep track of those but email them to jjgo at maximumfund.org or post them in the forum thread uh we will see you on said forum uh and uh next time right here on jordan jesse go hey guys how about a cool promo for another max fun show let's hear it now okay we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Bye, guys. Hi, I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy.

We're three brothers. It's not a coincidence. We have a show. It's called My Brother, My Brother Me. It's an advice show for the modern era. Sometimes we also take questions from the Yahoo answer service. Hey, guys. How many push-ups does it take to look like a werewolf? That's a fine question, Griffin. We'll answer that one and so much more,

including questions from readers about love and navigating the waters of society. Subscribe on iTunes or get it online at MaximumFun.org. We're brothers. We're experts. And we're sorry.