Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 200: T.R.O.JJGO

Episode Date: November 24, 2011

Jesse and Jordan, stranded on the high seas, reminisce about their first 199 episodes.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddly, dumby, tw, go, we celebrate our 200th episode.

Thanks to all of you who've supported us. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris. How long have we been on this raft? God, I mean, I've lost track of time. I mean, I think we fell off a cruise ship.

I don't know. Why did we even go on the Dave Koss Smooth Jazz Cruise? Pussy. Right. I forgot about the pussy. Yeah, pussy. The pussy was amazing. It was worth it.

It was worth it. Oh, boy. We ran out of shrimp like ten days ago. I know. Just to catch you guys up. Jesse and I were trolling for gash at the Dave Koss

Smooth Jazz Cruise and we had a few too many and decided I got really wasted. We decided it would be fun to mess around in one of the life rafts and we disengaged the lock, and we have been lost at sea for a week.

I ate my foot. Mm-hmm. Cauterized the wound with a magnifying glass and the heat of the sun. I've thrown decor on the side, and I'm just jacking off whenever. Jesse's. All that comes out now is seawater. Sure.

I'm starting to have hallucinations. Hey, you know what? I think at this point we need to – we are on the – we're teetering on the brink of sanity. We've got to keep our wits about us. Sure. We can't succumb to sea madness. I think the best thing to do in this situation would be to – I got it. What?

Replay the 1989 National League Championship Series in our minds. Cubs versus Giants. Mitch Wildthing Williams against Matt Williams. That amazing Snap out of it! Snap out of it.

You're talking like a madman. Jerome Walton! You stop it. Now, instead of going over fictional events, what we should do is reminisce about actual things that have happened to us in our real life. You know what I would kill for right now? Hmm? Around them. Hang it up and keep it up. Yeah, that's good. That's great. Absolutely.

That'll remind us of home and dry land and what we need to keep fighting for. In these uncertain times, America is in need of a moral compass. And that moral compass is Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart, telling us what can hang it up and what can keep it up. First, hang it up. Hang it up. You know you got to hang it up. When you're on your own, hang it up. Hang it up, space program. You know, I don't think anybody really cares anymore.

What was the last thing they did? They went to the moon or something. That was like 45 years ago. Hang it up, space program. Hang it up, ceiling fan. Wildly ineffective. Hang it up, ceiling fan. Hang it up, paperless office.

You know, I don't even know what the paperless office was supposed to be or why it was good, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen, and I'm not upset about that at all. Hang it up, paperless office. Hang it up, hip house. In the early 1990s, a hybrid of house music and hip hop came to the fore of the dance music world with hits like the Jungle Brothers' I'll House You. It was terrible then, and every time somebody threatens that it's going to come back, it's still terrible. Hang it up, hip house.

Hang it up, rock concert. Too hip house hang it up rock concert too noisy hang it up rock concert and now the antithetical to hang it up keep it up. Keep it up terrarium. If you're going to have a lizard, you're going to need a terrarium and it's going to be great. Keep it up terrarium. Keep it up gavels. When you have a gavel, the matter has been decided. Keep it up, gavels. This is the world's most popular cap for good reason. Even in countries that aren't even sure what baseball is, they wear baseball caps. Keep it up, baseball cap.

I don't even think this one needs explaining. Keep it up, Ricky Henderson. Did you know that you up, food coloring. Did you know that you can put food coloring into food? It changes it into a whole other color than the color it was before without affecting the flavor at all? Is that not fucking amazing to you? Keep it up, food coloring. It all seems so long ago, Jordan.

Yeah, but it's good. I'm feeling slightly more sane. It is an amazing coincidence that all of this happened exactly on our 200th episode. What's coincidental about it? It's like rain on your wedding day. Yeah. Or if a man buys a lottery ticket every day and then he wins a lottery and dies before he can collect the money. Also, what if God was one of us? You know.

Like a stranger on the bus? Like a stranger on the bus. Like a stranger on the bus? Sure. I think the sea madness is creeping back in. We're starting to speak only in song lyrics from female singer-songwriters of the mid-90s. Oh, God. All I can think about is the indigo girls. Stop it.

The indigo girls are a figment of your imagination they're not real the indigo girls are just a fairy tale cooked up to scare children now come on is there another memory you can pull out something actual something real what about the time that chris fairbanks was on Jordan Jesse Go and he had been cast in an Orange County television commercial. What about that? Let's reminisce about that.

Is Missoula like one of those kind of liberally pockets in the conservative place? Is that what Missoula is? Well, now it's a Democratic state. But yeah yeah it is definitely the artsy place with like there's like there's like a head shop somewhere oh oh to an irritating level yeah yeah it's very very hippie weed smoking town it's a beautiful place though

it is beautiful and and and good people and very academic and there's a lot of uh there's a lot of entertainment industry there for you to work in exactly it is a c i've always called it little hollywood a lot of local commercial i uh actually funny that i should bring that i should bring up working local commercial it's funny because i am a commercial actor working locally, apparently. Are you familiar with Jack Steffen? Yeah, Jack Steffen is a plumber in Orange County. From your area. Yeah, and when I was a kid, you know, here's the Jack Steffen commercial.

There's an announcer, and he's got the traditional. I know the part. You do the. Oh, okay. I'll be the announcer, and you be Jack Steffen commercial. There's an announcer, and he's got the traditional... Oh, I know the part. You do the... Oh, okay. I'll be the announcer, and you be Jack Steffen. Okay. When you've got a... Take two.

The announcer didn't mess up. When you've got a plumbing problem, why not call your friend, Jack Stefanski? It's Jack Steffen. For the lowest prices and friendliest service, you're going to want to call Jack Stefanino. It's Jack Stefan. So once again, look in your local Yellow Pages for your friendly neighborhood plumber,

Jack Step Around Me. It's Jack Ste... Hey, you got it right. Actually, no, I screwed it up. Anyway, as bad as that was, I ended up getting the part. Which one of the parts did you get? Oh, no, wait. I wanted that.

I wanted the Jack Steffan one. But they also do a dee-doo, which apparently you haven't seen. Hey, hold on. Let's back up a little bit. What part were you trying out for in the Jack Steffen commercial? The announcer? Yeah, I was going, Jack Steffen. You were trying out to be Jack Steffen?

No, that wasn't Jack Steffen. Did you go, wait, can I ask you? That was just a plumber in it. Jack Steffen. Oh, he's not. He's dead. Did you come in? No, he's alive and well.

Did you come in for the audition, and they're like, well, here's some sides. Go ahead and look them over. And it just says, Jack Steffen. No, it was the whole dialogue. But yeah, that was what I was reading. But auditions are always like that. You have a stupid and like, that's how they are. But no, both Jack Steffen and Jack Steffen Sr. were there.

Wow. And now they're calling, because I don't want to do the commercial. I've decided I don't want to. So wait, now time out. You tried out, you wanted to be the guy who goes, Jack Stephan! Yep. But instead you were supposed to be the guy who goes, doobie-doo-doo-doo? No, yeah, there's a whole other commercial, which, yeah, I guess it was misleading to talk about Jack Stephan,

because I didn't get that one. But they had me also read for another one for another plumbing and heating company that they own now called AD Dew. I don't know what it stands for. It's a combination of three words. Just saying AD Dew makes me cringe. I hate the word. It's like the word Chipotle. If I hear it, I get upset.

And in the commercial, I had to sing. Like, they had lines. It's like, I'm dressed up warmly, and there's a fire in my living room in a trash can, and I have to go, The heating wouldn't heat, so what can I do? Call up the guys at A.D. Do! And when I say, when I say guys at ADD. And when I say ADD, they actually directed me to cross my eyes.

Wait, did you have to be like that weird Bronx guy? Is that the idea? You have to be that weird? That's what I added to the character. Because whenever talking about plumbing, you have to be some dumb East Coast person. You can count on Chris to make strong choices. That's what they say. You're going into an audition,

you've got to make some strong choices. Even if they say, okay, think sunny California, I'm going to go plumbing wouldn't hate one. Yeah, I'd turn into Jersey boy. Got a pizza pie. Yeah. I got a striped shirt and a curly mustache. My grandma's Italian, eh, dido.

And then that's what they like. But it pays $300, and I know the original commercial ran from the time Jordan was born until this year, probably. Like, they ran it for 20 years. They want to pay me $300 to run this commercial forever. Yeah. And I decided, you know, I don't know if it's a good idea for me to do some wacky local commercial and have my manager or someone see it and be like, oh, nice choice. Maybe your manager will be watching Blind Date in Orange County at some point and see the commercial. Oh, Jordan.

We've been on this boat for so long. All I have with me is this magnifying glass, which I've been using for investigations. Sure. And cauterizing. And this calendar. Really?

Yeah, it's... Come on. We're reminiscing. Throw it in the fucking ocean. Just throw it in the fucking ocean, you child. I'm going to start reminiscing for a second, if you don't mind. God! I am doing great.

Well, congratulations. You know why? Yeah, you get to sit in this cool room all day. I got the air conditioning cranked up. Plus, it's the first of the month. You know why? You get to sit in this cool room all day. I got the air conditioning cranked up. Plus, it's the first of the month. You know what that means, Jordan? New magazines? No, better than new magazines, my friend.

It's NBD here in our household, the Thorne-Hossfeld household. That's New Bunny Day, my friend. Oh, tell me about New Bunny Day. On the first of the month, we get to see the new bunny on our bunny calendar. And it makes me so happy I can't even begin to describe it. I was kind of hoping this was some sex act that Teresa will let you perform once a month. She's like, well, I don't really like it, but okay, first of the month. We'll do the new bunny.

Jordan, this month it's a Netherland dwarf. Oh, boy. It's still not a sex act, though, right? Just to be clear. Still not a sex act. To be clear. No, this is really like, this is what I live for, Jordan. Once a month.

What's important is when you get the calendar. This is the important part. It's a good thing that you don't drink, because I could see you having a few and just going, fuck it, and tearing it off the wall and just looking at all the bunnies and then feeling really awful the next day. Like, oh, shit, what did I do? Jordan, you got to parcel out the bunnies or else you're fucking up your whole life. It's true. It's like when you're a little kid and you save to buy yourself a Nintendo. You know what I'm saying?

Only in this case, I save looking at the bunnies so that I can be surprised by each month's bunnies. You see what I'm saying? What will happen sometimes, and I'm not a new bunny day apologist. I understand that sometimes it can be a disappointment because sometimes you'll get, say, a Rex. Right. You know. One of those fatter lops. Yeah.

No, no. The fatter lops. That's a winner. Really? I don't care for your fatter lops. I love a fat lop. What are you doing? I don't know.

Just relaxing. Got my ears down. Apparently apparently i don't have feet you got me out it doesn't look that way got any alfalfa what the fat lop says you know what i used to have uh bunny rabbits when i was little and uh bunny rabbit will do any goddamn thing for some alfalfa well anything that anything that it's capable of doing, which is not much. Well, hopping. Hopping. So that's pretty good. Hopping over to the alfalfa.

What does it do that's unusual for the alfalfa? It just gets excited. Oh, okay. Normally a bunny doesn't really do anything. Yeah, it's true. It'll do a little hopping. Sure. And it's not crazy about people.

I mean, it's okay if you, you know, whatever it's called, habituate your bunny. Yeah, it feels like they're just tolerating you. You know, it doesn't feel like they're enjoying you. They're just kind of tolerating being touched. They're a little scared of you. They're afraid you'll kill it. But that's what's so sweet about them is that they're afraid of you. Somehow that makes them cuter to me.

Interesting. The fact that they're afraid of me Because I'm not going to do anything bad to them You seem to appreciate things with With kind of meek qualities That you can kind of loom over That is what I'm looking for Jordan Yeah

Primarily something meek to loom over Oh no maybe you're just looking for a loom This week was Oh you're looking for the LucasArts game, Loom. It comes packaged with Monkey Island. Oh, man. You really took me back to my childhood best friend's amigo with that reference. Jordan.

I caught a seagull with my hands. Yes. That's great. Oh, shit. It's just a Nerf football. Do you want to play touch football? Okay. No.

No, no. That'll drive us insane. Maybe we should reminisce some more. Probably a good idea. Do you remember once when we found ourselves talking about who exactly was America's greatest film star? You know, I don't, but you should start reminiscing, and then I'll just see if I can, you know, dive in halfway through.

Okay. Oh, there it is. Do you think Denzel Washington is America's greatest movie star? I do. You know what? I actually, a friend of mine's boyfriend is actually working for Denzel Washington right now. He's doing sound on his upcoming movie about an inspirational debate team. It's actually his directorial debut i believe oh wow anyways apparently and i hate to tell you this and

this definitely flew in the face of everything i thought about denzel washington we can't shake we can shake weak handshake wait a minute are we talking about the same Denzel Washington? Yeah. From Virtuosity. Are you sure? The hard nosed cop from Virtuosity has a weak handshake. Are you sure that she just had never seen, uh, or he, that he had never, he had never, he, what I, this is why, what I think happened. Okay. He, he had never seen a Denzel. Let's hear your crazy conspiracy theory. He had heard about Denzel Washington, but he'd never seen Denzel Washington in person. So maybe the guy who said hi, I'm Denzel Washington. A guy named Denzel Washington and assumed he was the movie star Denzel Washington and that he was directing a film about an inspirational debate team. And that he was directing a film about an inspirational debate team.

And he went to work on the film without realizing that this Denzel Washington is actually a dishwasher at a Howard Johnson. Who was slated to direct a feature film. No, no, no, no. He's not slated to direct a film. He was just hanging out in the editing bay then? No. Why do you assume that everything takes place in an editing bay he met him this is where when i met him i'm sorry howard johnson's oh and my friend just lied and said no nobody's lying here jordan it's a perfectly understandable miscommunication now

that i've thought about it he said to him hi i'm're right. He said to him, hi, I'm Denzel Washington. The guy thinks to himself. Welcome to Hojo's. Welcome to Hojo's, Howard Johnson's. And the guy thinks to himself, Denzel Washington? I've never seen any of his movies, but I know that's a famous movie star. I bet he's directing an inspirational film about a debate team. I'm going to start working on that film. He goes home.

He starts putting together sound effects and whatnot. You said he worked in the sound department, right? So he just downloads a sound effect CD, starts sorting them into usable, not usable, debate, non-debate. Oh, this one is less debate, more forensics. Right. You know what I'm saying? This one's less debate, more Toastmasters. I'm following you.

You see what I'm saying? I'm following you. He's getting a lot of work done. He's starting to wonder why he hasn't been paid, but he's just excited to be working with Howard Johnson. Now, if he's working with Denzel Washington. The Howard Johnson. Wait a minute.

What about this? What if this Denzel Washington, the one who's not the movie star, works at a restaurant that he assumes is a Howard Johnson's, but the reason he assumes is a Howard Johnson's. But the reason he assumes it is because he met former New York Mets third baseman Howard Johnson, member of the 30-30 club, at the thing. He recognized him by his mustache and the fact that he still always wears a Mets hat. And he thought, oh, this must be a Howard Johnson's where I work. It's a perfectly reasonable theory.

Yeah, yours is better. You're right. yours is more reasonable. You're right, Denzel Washington doesn't have a weak handshake. Jordan? Yeah? Do you believe in past lives? Um, you know, I mean, anything's possible. I don't think I have all the answers, but yeah, I mean, it's possible, sure.

You're a spiritual person, right? I mean, I do sleep on a bed of crystals. It's just exclusively made of crystals? I guess it's not a bed made of crystals. It's a pile of crystals. It seems weird to me that that's what you would choose to bring into our fucking lifeboat. I mean, how am I going to get any sleep? I don't know.

Just sleep on... I've been sleeping on the bottom of the lifeboat. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, that's going to fuck up my back. Who's going to sleep on this pile of crystals? You know what? Spiritual crystals.

I am thinking back to visiting you in your cabin, and there were two things you had a huge pile of in your cabin. One was crystals, and one was licorice. FHM Magazine. And one was licorice all sorts. Oh, okay. I do also have a lot of FHM Magazine, but I keep those. On the lifeboat that we're on right now? Yeah.

No wonder you've been jacking off so effectively. Yeah, I mean, I can just go back to 2005, check out the Ladies of Battlestar Galactica. When I try and think about something to jack off to at this point, two weeks into their trip on this lifeboat, you know what I come up with? Seagulls. Yeah.

Flounder. Oh, it's so flat. with? Seagulls. Yeah. Flounder. Oh, it's so flat. A particular seagull? Like, have you seen one that's made its way into your masturbation fantasies more than the other ones? Well, I imagine what I do is I just imagine a seagull, but with lipstick. Oh, okay. Because that makes it like... Yeah, like a female.

Not gay. Makes it less gay. Anyway, past lives. Yes. Do you remember the time Jasper Red was on the show? And I found that story about another person named Jesse Thorne. Uh, yeah. I think I do.

Maybe we should reminisce about it. You think we can eat the crystals? I'll try. I mean, I don't know what I'm going to sleep on. I ain't got nothing to lose. Can I talk about what I found on the New York Times website? Yes, yeah, go ahead. Sorry.

Okay, you've set up this alternate Google alert for yourself. Thorn with an E whipped her false lover. Jordan, I did not set up an alert. You are taking this way too far. I searched one time just to fill in the holes. Okay. Just so I would know what I missed with my regular Google alerts. I'm sorry I made you sound like an egomaniacal geek.

Maybe I'll do that shit. Okay. So what I got was I clicked through to the New York Times website, and it just said PDF of this article is available. So I'm like, OK, so I clicked on the PDF of the article. This is the article. The date is the date is in 1887. This is I'm just going to read the article.

It's a pretty short article. The headline in all caps with a period at the end is, Whipped Her False Lover. The sub-headline is, Jesse Thorne Gets a Lashing in a Jersey City Street. Okay, Mary Ellingsworth, a 19-year-old blonde of 104 1⁄2 Storm Avenue, Jersey City, figures in a horse-whipping incident. She came from Glasgow two years ago and sought her aunt in Brooklyn, but learned from a Long Island railroad brakeman that she had gone west.

Miss Ellingsworth found employment as a saleswoman in New York and took board at the residence of Miss Dara on Storm Avenue. She became acquainted with Jesse Thorne. Now, this is Jesse Thorne with an E. I don't want people to think that this is literally me, Jesse Thorne. This is Jesse Thorne with an E. And they finally became engaged. The wedding was fixed for next Sunday. Last Saturday night, Thorne met his sweetheart and asked that the engagement be broken.

He had no money to support a wife, he said. There was a flood of tears, but the girl finally consented and Thorne went away happy. Okay, second paragraph. The New York Times this is. Oh my God. This is a historical article from the New York Times. It seems like newspaper writing has changed a lot. It seems like it's just recounting the thing beat for beat.

This really, you know what this reads like? This reads like nothing more than just an elementary school newspaper with more hyphens in it. Yeah. Like, for example, Storm Avenue, which for some reason has a hyphen, and New York, which has a hyphen. I don't know why that is hyphenated. Okay.

New York, capital G. Exactly. Okay. Sunday night, when Miss Dara and Miss Ellingsworth were returning from church. This is positively ribald, I just want to say. They saw Thorne walking down Bergen Avenue with a young lady on his arm.

They saw him kiss her at the gate and heard him promise to meet her Tuesday evening. Wow. The plot is thickening, gentlemen. The plot is thickening. Back in that day, to kiss someone and then promise to meet them Tuesday in public was basically public sex.

Exactly. Anal sex, specifically. Public anal sex. On Tuesday evening, Miss Ellingsworth armed herself with a rawhide, repaired to the trysting place of the two lovers. Yay! And presently saw her released suitor walking up the street. She met him halfway and, drawing the rawhide from under her cloak, laid it vigorously about him. Oh, man.

Nothing's better than this. He fled with her in pursuit, but finally managed to elude her. What? Why was this in the newspaper? Well, I think we're about to learn whether she's in the newspaper. Third paragraph. The affair has caused considerable gossip on the Heights. Miss Ellingsworth says she would not have cared for the breaking of the engagement if her consent had not been obtained by false pretenses.

She had ordered her wedding outfit and that made her feel a great deal worse. Oh my god. Man, that is fantastic. Isn't that un-fucking-believable? That is really good. That is what Jesse Thorns were doing

in the 19th century. They were dumping their fiancés to go on a date. They say they're dumping their fiancés because they're not in a financial position to be married. Actually, they just want to go on a date. But if you ask me, Miss Ellingsworth's going to catch them and lay about them with a rawhide. Who, if that motorcycle? Yeah, what was that motorcycle all about? Holy mackerel.

Oh, man. Yeah, that was fantastic. That's basically as funny in old times as you can hope for a thing to be. Holy shit, right? Yeah, to Google search your name and have that pop up. Can you imagine if you searched for Jasper Red spelled R-E-D instead of R-E-D-D, and it turned out that in the 19th century

there was a Jasper Red who was laid about with a rawhide? I may have to change that to my introduction, though. Yeah. Our next comic coming to this stage In the 19th century You may have seen him on Comedy Central Or in the 19th century Being laid about with a rawhide By Miss Ellingsworth

Oh, I remember that She had ordered her wedding outfit And that made her a great deal worse Put your hands together Oh, man I wish I was alive in the 19th century I feel worse. Put your hands together. Oh, man. I wish I was alive in the 19th century. Sounds really great.

There was a lot of poop on the street. Mm-hmm. Garbage. There was people who went around collecting metal. Anything could be in the newspaper. Yeah, boy. Anything could be in, not just any newspaper. The New York Times, the Gray Lady.

Do you think this was on the page called Gossip in the Heights? It's probably under elections. Holy mackerel. Do you think she was able to find a new beau? You know what? I think Miss Allingsworth's going to be okay. I don't think we have to worry about her. You know, also what's funny about that is that the rawhide beating was premeditated. Like, it wasn't just an in-the-moment thing.

She sees him with the guy. She happens to be holding a rawhide, but she planned it out. It's like, well, I'll go there, and then I will beat him with this, which is... I wonder if Miss Dara didn't have any, like, advice for Miss Ellingsworth. Because I would think that the boarding house woman would be like, hey, now, don't lay about this gentleman with a rawhide. You may be sent back to Edinburgh. And she was, you know, like, you know, she's just a 19-year-old transplant. No, she's only been in the United States for two years. I'm sure it wasn't even her.

She probably had to get the rawhide from someone. Yeah. I bet it was actually Miss Dara's rawhide. She seems like an instigator to me. I bet there was a lot of rawhides around Jersey City at the time. I think Jersey City was rawhide country back then. Maybe she just got a promotional rawhide from somewhere. Yeah, like they give them out for certs, you know?

The only rawhide with Retson. The Wrigley's Spearmint. Yeah. The rawhide jingles. Yeah, exactly. Sure, you know what we're talking about, Jasper. When it comes to rawhides, the 19th century, Jersey City. If any of us were musical, we should probably make up the local rawhide salesman jingle, but we're not.

But we're not going to. Yeah, I think we will. I think we should. How does it go? Remix. Jersey City rawhide. For all your rawhide needs. Laid about with a rawhide for all your rawhide needs laid about with a rawhide

in the city streets canon jasper seems to believe that this song is going on our is going on our mixtape which is which is hosted by celebrity dj don cannon cannon cannon cannon he probably will probably will hide cannon cannon oh

i wish i could eat maggot infested hardtack right now. Yeah. Given the opportunity to eat maggot-infested hardtack, I would be delighted at the prospect. Yeah. Man, I don't... I mean, this food situation is so dire that it seems like I'm going to have to open up the emergency bag of beef jerky. But I didn't want to do that.

Wait. The emergency bag of beef jerky. But I didn't want to do that. Wait. The emergency bag of beef jerky? Yeah, it's like ten pounds of it. Ten pounds? It's for emergencies, so I don't want to do it yet. But I'm afraid I might have to. What constitutes an emergency for you, Jordan? Dragons.

We have been on a boat for two weeks without food. I ate my own foot and cauterized the wound with the light of the sun running through a magnifying glass. Yeah, but we're not having, like, dragon or kraken issues. Those are supernatural creatures, Jordan. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I just, I mean, come on. They're definitely supernatural creatures.

We could eat this beef jerky, but then we're getting ravished by the kraken. What would we eat? Yeah, what would we eat? Because it's hungry work getting ravaged by a crack yes is that what you're saying morris that i am suggesting that yes we will be so we'll be so famished mid crack and ravish you know what you're a dense man yeah well i have a crystal bed what do you got you ain't got shit my friend all i have is this reminiscence about the time

that uh i had to explain what twitter is to you can't sleep on that we'll be back let's hear it so we're talking about technology passing us by you were trying to sell me on twitter a minute ago yeah well okay here's what do you know what is? I'll explain it to you real quick. Sure, sure. It's a broken machine that updates your Facebook message. Okay. I think. I don't have a Facebook. Oh, well, it's useless to you then. Someone was trying to sell me on Facebook the other day, and I have a MySpace.

Do you use your MySpace for anything? I don't use it for too much. The only thing I use MySpace for is emailing somebody whose email address I forgot. Right. Yeah. That's a great way to use MySpace. Definitely. And I used to use it to banter a little bit more, but it really got to the point where it stressed me out. I feel like if you're doing a lot of MySpacing, I always get that feeling when I'm at a party and I kind of don't know what to do with myself, know yeah you mean the feeling that i have at every party i've ever been to in my entire life yes yeah sure like am i yeah i mean i just had a lot

of stress around it like am i commenting enough what does this person think you know of my of my commenting who you know well take that and throw in a poke. Trying to figure out when to poke somebody. You got Facebook, my friend. And everybody's nuts about the Facebook these days. Because it's less creepy than MySpace. It's less pathetic. Yeah, MySpace is absolutely awful. If I could describe what is different about it, it just looks less pathetic.

Sure, there's not Jessica Simpson's butt in your face asking you to guess which butt it is. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, sure. There's not don't mess with the Zohan flash animation firing at you. Here's what you do with Twitter. Okay. You get a little box in front of you. Wait, did you need Facebook for Twitter?

No, you don't need it for Twitter. That's what I think I use it for. I'm not sure what I use it for. I'm not sure why I'm on it, Jordan. All right. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't think it does anything. Okay. Well, explain it. I'll tell sure what I use it for. I'm not sure why I'm on it, Jordan. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't think it does anything. I'll tell you what happens. So you open it up and then you type in some stuff and then Merlin Mann makes little jokes and sends them to you.

Internet celebrity Merlin Mann sends you little jokes about what's going on in his life or what he just heard on Weekend Edition. I get enough jokes via email from my dad. He forwards them to me. But do you know that Hillary Clinton is something of a bitch? So I have heard. Maybe a lesbian. She's so bitchy.

Communist as well. Oh, thank you. Okay, so here's... But that's serious. What you do is you send out, it gives you a little box on the Twitter. You send out a little message on there. Like you get, I don't know, 12 characters or something. But you can use secret codes, of course.

It's sort of like writing on a pager. Okay. Remember writing on a pager? You know, I never wrote on a pager. I never owned a pager. I never used one before. Really? Yeah.

I had a pager because I was a drug dealer. Okay. I wasn't a drug dealer that's you say one four three four two four that means i love you from jesse oh yeah that's usually what i write on the twitter what if i want to say i love you from jordan you have to make up your own secret code oh how do people know what my code is oh they don't that't. That's what makes it so great. Oh, I still don't understand Twitter. Okay, so... So there's a box.

Merlin Mann sends you a joke, and then you make up a code no one else knows. Okay, so on Twitter, there's hundreds of people... This sounds like a game invented by an eight-year-old. Okay. And he's trying to explain the rules to you. This is how I feel. On Twitter, there's hundreds of people around the country using it at any given time. Those people are called twats.

Okay. You type in a message to them. They receive it. Then they put an at sign and your joke name, and they say a thing about it. Why do I need this? Why should I do this? Why do you do it? I do it because nerds kept bothering me to do it.

Okay. I just got a lot of emails about it. How come you're not on Twitter? You're not Twittering. Jordan, look. You know, when it comes to internet celebrity, I'm no Merlin Mann, but I like to throw the people a bone from time to time. Sure.

I mean, yeah, and you... I'll twat around a little bit. You have a cause to be active in all these Internet... I mean, the Internet is a big part of your job, and... It's where my money comes from, from PayPal. Sure, sure, absolutely. So you have to... I think Twitter is connected to PayPal.

Yeah. Do you think that? What if I typed in my email address and an amount of money into Twitter? Do you think it would come in on the PayPal? I have no idea. I still don't know what Twitter is. Honestly, we've been talking about it for a long time. What if I typed it into Yahoo?

Yeah. Geo cities? Yeah. Can I ask you a question, Jordan? Yes. Let's say I typed in my email address and the word Twitter and then PayPal and then $5,000. I took all that. I copied it and pasted it into FogDog.

I don't know what FogDog is. That lost me. FogDog.com. Oh, okay. Say I typed it into FogDog or Webvan. GoDaddy? Yeah, let's say I GoDaddy'd a Twitter with 12 characters and I included 143. That means I love you.

Oh, now I know what Twitter is. Great. Okay. Jordan, you know how – okay, look. You know how – did you ever use AOL Instant Messenger? Yes. Okay. You know how on AOL Instant Messenger when you're away from the computer, you can type in,

on a one element instant messenger, when you're away from the computer, you can type in, sorry, I'm, I'm gone. You know, I got to go, you know, uh, wash the car or something like that. Right. Now, you know how people stop doing that on there. Sometime when we were in high school, they stopped doing that and they started making a little joke. Sure. And then they'd write, you know, oh, I go to go wash the car. Jack off. It's a dog. Yeah. In parentheses. That's basically what Twitter is. It's a system for distributing that.

Okay. So humorous away messages. You sign up, you have an account, and then all it really is is a little box where you can type things into. Whenever you think of a thing to type into this little box, you type it in. And then anybody who decided they want to listen to what you have to say, they click on you and say, I want to listen when he types something into the box. And you can click on anybody that you want to listen when they type into the box. So for me, that's Merlin Mann.

It's called Hot Dogs Ladies. And then when they make a little joke, So for me, that's Merlin Mann. It's called Hot Dogs Ladies. Okay. And then when they make a little joke, then it comes to you in your Twitter. All right. Then you look at it on your iPhone or whatever. Okay. I don't have an iPhone.

I got a Razer phone. I just don't know if I need another internet thing in my life. Jordan, you need more internet things in your life. Yeah? Because it connects you to the people. Look, there's people out there who didn't even know that you were in a commercial with Fritz Slang. Is his name? Fritz Slang.

NBC4's Fritz Coleman. NBC4's Fritz Coleman. They were watching NBC4. They thought it was just a guy who looked like you. No. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. You see what I'm saying, Jordan? No no i should use twitter to alert people of that if you had twoted them they would have known yeah

all you got to do is send out one twart and everybody and everybody knows exactly what commercial you're in so you're saying that i can inform people of my commercials with a single cunt. Yeah, exactly. All right. You just fisted on in. You know what I'm saying, Jordan? Yeah, I guess gang right. Are you going to sign up on the Twitter? Yeah, I'll give it a shot.

Okay, what is your name on the Twitter going to be? It'll probably just be Jordan. I can never create a funny internet name. I've never been able to. What about Boy Detective? I don't know if I'm nuts about that I'm kind of married to it on this thing at this point Yeah

I feel the same way about America's Radio Sweetheart Oh yeah I thought that was just your thing I thought you loved it It's fine I just am sick of people talking to me about it Oh yeah You know what I mean? Well no one talks to me about Boy Detective.

Oh, really? Yeah. Well, I think that's because maybe because when you say Boy Detective, it's in the context of me already having said America's Radio Sweetheart. Yeah. So it doesn't seem like something that you should complain to somebody about. Right. I get a lot of complaints about it.

Okay. Well, I'll try it. Yeah. I'll probably'll try it. Yeah. I'll probably just make it as close to my real name as it'll let me do. Also, I can help me remember things. I lose a lot of passwords and stuff. I'm always losing passwords. That's a perfect idea, Jordan.

You're on top of it. You know exactly what you should be doing. What you do is you take the little box, you type in your password, you type in your social security. Sure. You type in your password, you type in your social security. Sure. You type in your routing number, bank account routing number. You see what I'm saying, Jordan? You type in all of this different information, mother's maiden name.

Sure. It stores it for you, and it broadcasts it to your friends and family and others. Yeah. In case they want to put some money in your bank account for you. Bingo, Jordan. If they're ever feeling generous. Bingo. Yeah. I guess they want to put some money in your bank account for you. Bingo, Jordan. If they're ever feeling generous. Bingo.

You got it, kid. You got it. I keep thinking that I see boats that might rescue us. Every time it turns out to be an albatross. Like a literal albatross. Huh.

A seabird albatross. Have you seen any metaphors? Any flying metaphors? I did. Yeah. I saw I saw a burning bush.

Yeah. I couldn't piece together what it meant though. It's hard to say you know I just don't have much going on in my head right now no I understand that's tough it's tough to interpret those

I'm busy thinking about how much I'd like to eat maggot infested hardtack yeah sigh well yeah but earlier you said when we were reminiscing, you said, let's listen to this? Yeah. What did that mean?

You don't have old episodes of our show going through your mind? No, uh-uh. I mean, I'm as mad as I've ever been right now. Sure. Yeah, I'm still not there yet. I mean, I'm reminiscing with you. Oh, I mean, I had old episodes of you. Oh, I mean, I have these I had old episodes of our show going through

my mind, even back on the cruise. Really? Yeah. Does that make you hate life? It makes me love life. Our show is tremendous. Yeah. I, in particular, am very funny. I love the transporter films, but I don't want them

shoved up my brain when I don't want them there. You don't watch the transporter films, but I don't want them... I don't want them shoved up my brain when I don't want them there. You don't watch the transporter films in your mind? No, I mean, sometimes I'll think about a favorite scene. What do you do when Dave Coz is playing his saxophone? I just enjoy... I enjoy the mellow sounds,

and I continue to finger the girl I'm sitting with. But what about how good it goes with scenes from The Transporter? Has that just never occurred to you? Wait, do you also have Transporter? Does it alternate between Jordan and Jesse Go clips and Transporter films? Well, when there's music playing, I think of scenes from The Transporter and how well they would go.

So it was just a coincidence that I brought that up, but you actually, whenever you hear music, hear a scene from the Transporter or envision it? Yeah, I mean, I haven't seen the Transporter movies, so I have to sort of project what I imagine they would be like. You ever seen one of them? I haven't seen any of them. The third one's not that good, but the other two are.

I saw The Bank Job. Yeah, okay. That doesn't go through my head, though. Yeah. It was good. Yeah, it's a good movie. It's a lot of fun. Want to reminisce again? Yeah. Yeah, okay. That doesn't go through my head, though. Yeah. It was good. Yeah, it's a good movie. It's a lot of fun. Want to reminisce again?

Yeah. Yeah, me too. You know, I used to get, I used to have songs going through my head. Mm-hmm. And I remember one time when Tig Notaro was on the show, I just started singing one of them. Oh, that's neat. I'm bad, I'm bad, really, really bad. The whole world costs me, it's right now, just tell you what's good. Really, really bad. The whole world has AIDS right now.

Did you just say the whole world has AIDS right now? Did you just say that? Was that inappropriate to say? No, I just don't. Michael Jackson's been saying it for 20 years now. He's America's favorite popular musician. He's the king of pop. I understand that

But that's some way for me to find out It doesn't seem like It's a little bit much to find out The whole world has AIDS right now That would include me and all your listeners Maybe don't just casually Start singing it to us There's a nicer way to break that to us

The whole world's got AIDS right now. Tell you who's bad. Tig. It's bad. It's bad. Tig, you claim number one, let's go to the root of this. We need to go to the root of this. How the whole world got AIDS? No, that is not what the

root of this is, Tig. Here's the root of this. The root of this is you say, yes, I understand that Michael Jackson is the king of pop. You seem to feel like it's appropriate for you to take that as read, to assume that we would assume that you know all about Michael Jackson. But it seems to me, pardon me, but it seems to me like you haven't been listening to one of Michael Jackson's greatest hits over the past 20 years.

The whole world's got AIDS right now. Just tell you once again. AIDS. Yeah, this might be funny to you guys, but it's a little alarming to find out the whole world's got AIDS right now. It's alarming to me. The whole world's got AIDS right now is what the song says. Maybe we had HIV and could have done something to slow our death. Yeah, maybe he could have been a little bit more articulate.

Yeah, just a little clearer. Just in that moment when you're saying the whole world's got AIDS right now. Michael Jackson has sold over 50 million albums worldwide. I don't need Michael Jackson facts. Over 100 million albums worldwide. I have full-blown AIDS. Okay? He was in the Jackson 5.

You know what I think you should do? We need T-cells. You know what I think you should do, Tink? What? Tito cells. Go on YouTube. Type in the Jacksons. Can you feel it? The AIDS? Can you feel the AIDS tonight?

I can now. Wait, can you feel? I thought that's what that tingling in my arm was, but I didn't know what that was. I'm now seeing that it's AIDS. You guys, I'm so blown away because this is our generation's greatest entertainer. He dances like, he can dance like Fosse. Yeah, and he distracted me for years. Sing like an angel.

He had important information about my reproductive health, and he withheld it by mumbling. Exactly. By being marbly mouthed. And you're just casually slipping it into this conversation. I'm sorry. I didn't know that you guys couldn't handle this kind of stuff. I assumed you were real fans of the King of Pop. That was my mistake. I'm willing

to admit my mistakes. Unlike some people here, I'm comfortable admitting my mistakes. My mistake is, I assumed that the two of you knew about the greatest popular entertainer of the second half of the 20th century. We're just saying he should speak up. If he has important information.

No mumbling when it's important. Yeah. Okay. So when you talk to him again... How about this? How about this, Tig? When you can dance like that, you make criticisms.

I can dance like that. You can? Absolutely. Make some criticisms. Will you do a dance right now? I'll can? Absolutely. I'm going to make some criticisms. Will you do a dance right now? I'll do the song. I would prefer to hear the criticisms. I'm going to take her word on the dancing.

Do you remember when we fell in love? We were young and innocent then. She's good, Jordan. Yeah. Did you see that dance move I just did? It was un-fucking-believable. Yeah. And I'm not even winded.

Here, sing another one. A defied gravity. I can do a triple backflip. Watch. Just sing. Okay. Ready? Go.

I'll count them off. I'm going to count off the flips. Were you counting off the flips or the song? I'm going to count the flips. I don't know what song you're going to sing, though. Do you mind if I stand on this couch just to kind of get my momentum? That's good. No, that's perfect. I would prefer

if you could go ahead on the couch. Okay. Two, three, four. I don't know what you're going to sing. One, two, three. Three and a half what you're going to sing. One, two, three. Three and a half.

Holy shit. Yep. Wow. That's pretty good. Yeah. With AIDS. That counts as four, I think. Man.

So you saw it here. No one else did. All this talk about Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney makes me want to go have a hayride. I don't know about you guys. Yeah, that's a good idea. Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney. Who was talking about Paul McCartney? We were just talking about Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney.

We were? I think if you're talking about Michael Jackson, Paul McCartney is implied. I, because your backflip was so good, I said it was like you had wings. Oh, ebony and ivory. Basically, no matter what, I'm thinking about The Girl is Mine. We don't even have to be talking about Michael Jackson. The doggone girl is mine. Speaking of dogs, I had a hard time finding my way here.

I guess I went to where 45% of the people go. Yeah, a lot of people because of a little geographic confusion. The directions. Tig was around the corner. percent of the people yeah a lot of people because of a little geographic confusion the direction tig was around the corner the directions that i was given uh said that i'm gonna have to do a dog leg i've never heard that before yeah and so i wasn't quite sure how to do a dog leg it's kind of unnecessarily folksy yeah for someone to say dog leg i was inspired by the vice presidential debate with no explanation not like um this might be a weird word. Or maybe, let me explain to you what a dogleg is.

Or let me just tell you to take a left here and then a right here. Right, let me talk like a human being. Yeah, he's just like, hey, swing by, go this way, straight down this street, and then just dogleg. And when I got to that, I just thought, you know, I'll just park where I think I'm supposed to go. You know what, Tig? I'm sorry. I've made another mistake and I'm going to apologize for it. That is okay. I assumed that you had good core American values. It turns out you're part of the Hollywood liberal elite. And I guess that was a mistake on my part.

Believe me, I'm very conservative. Very conservative. It sure doesn't seem like it to me. You seem like a coastal elite to me. You might as well be Seymour Hersh, as far as I'm concerned. You might as well be... That was low. You might as well be... That was low, mister.

Jeez, man. Maybe from now on, I think I've got a good nickname for Tig. How about this? Tig Notaro, and then her nickname is Frank Rich from the New York Times. No, how about Tig...

New York Times op-ed writer, Frank Rich. What's a dogleg? Notaro. Oh, I got one. Tig Aids Notaro. Well, they're all pretty good. I mean, I think we can all agree that they're all pretty good. As long as there's Tig and Notaro, I'll know it's me.

As long as there's your name, yeah. Yeah, as long as whatever you throw in the middle is in between my name. Well, the idea is that it captures the spirit of what it means to be you in addition to just identifying. Old dog leg Notaro. Right, so that's good. Old dog leg. Right. Good.

Done. I've never known what catty corner means. People talk about something meaning catty corner to something else. I always think, what the fuck are you talking about? Oh, I know what catty corner is. And you hear that. An idiot would know what catty corner is. At least you hear that. Really? Yeah, I guess I do

hear it. I've heard it enough to be annoyed by it. Even Frank Herbert knows what a catty corner is. Yeah, Frank knows. Yeah. Even Frank Herbert knows what a catty-corner is. Yeah, Frank knows. Even Adlai Stevenson probably knows what catty-corner means. But not every Joe Sixpack is saying. Sorry. I guess at the cocktail party you were at last night with Camille Paglia.

And, shit, I ran out of Northeastern intellectuals the late norman mailer i'm waiting to use harvey milk okay um gosh well i think what's important here is what we've learned in this segment of the show we learned about a global crisis that needs action. Well, the two of you did. This podcast. Number two, we learned about who here is an elitist and who here is of the people. You two are elitists. I'm of the people. And number three, we learned finally once and for all what catty corner means. And we learned that we all have full blown AIDS.

I know that you like to ignore that. I'd rather you didn't bring that up. But it's kind of a big deal. Doesn't seem like a big deal to me. It's been a long time. Okay. Got antiretrovirals now. We're just kind of going, we're doing okay.

Magic Johnson has a TGI Fridays. Yeah. That's all I'm saying. As far as I can tell, things are fine. He has HIV and TGI? Yes. Wow. What can I say? The man

is an initials enthusiast. Mm-hmm. You get HIV, you also get TGIF. Yeah. That's how it works here in America. Now in Africa they're not so lucky. You're lucky to get an Applebee's if you get AIDS in Africa. If you're infected. God. You're lucky to get an Applebee's if you get AIDS in Africa. If you get AIDS if you're infected.

God. This is horrible. Yeah. I've had close family friends die from this horrible disease. We're not making judgments about their character, Jesse. Okay.

That's true. It's not a character assassination thing. You guys are right. Maybe I should spend a little more time with the New York Times op-ed page. Yeah, why don't you go hang out with A.O. Scott? You know what I wish, Jordan? I wish that here on this boat there was some kind of facility for entertainment. Yeah.

I mean, I could read to you out of FHM. No. I want to do something creative. I want to make something. Come on. Let me read to you out of FHM. Let me read to you out of FHM. I want to make a pixel art, Jordan.

We can take the are You a Rapist quiz. If you scored between 0 and 100, yes. Yes, you are a rapist. You are a rapist. One of the questions is, are you reading this magazine? Well, no, that's not true because the quiz is just one question. Have you ever had sex with a lady?

And if yes, then you're a rapist. If no, then you're a compulsive masturbator. Who doesn't have access to actual pornography for some reason. F.A. Jim is really fun. Oh, jeez. You know what I'd like to reminisce about? Andy Daly. Oh, yeah.

One time when Andy Daly was on our show. God, I miss Andy Daly. What a guy. What do you think he's up to right now? Probably looking at an FHM. Cranking one out. Yeah. Cranking one out.

There are days when we have guests, and there are days when we have guests, sir. Yeah. You know what I mean? Do you follow my train of thought? It would have been funny if you would have said, there are days when we have guests and there are days when we have ghosts. Do that again. Jordan, there are days when we have guests and there are days when we have ghosts. Yeah.

Oh my God. It's the ghost of comedian Andy Daly. Hello, everyone. Oh, how'd you die? I didn't even hear that you had died. I go back and forth between this world and the next. Oh, okay. Yeah. And why are you haunting?

I'm unfinished business. Yeah, sure. Specifically here in this studio. Yeah, I mean, you've been here a couple times before. You were on Jordan Jesse Go a couple times, you've been here a couple times before. You were on Jordan, Jesse Goh a couple times and Sandy Young America a couple times. I don't remember anything untowards occurring. I believe one of you guys killed me.

Jordan. All right, you got me. Jordan, why did you kill Andy Daly? Really, thank you. That's what I want to know. Jordan. Just one of those things, you know. No, I don't. What do you mean just one. That's what I want to know. Jordan. Just one of those things, you know? No, I don't.

What do you mean just one of those things? I don't know. It's like when you go home for Christmas and you call your mom a bitch. It's just one of those things. You just feel like doing it. I also don't understand that. I don't relate to that at all. No, guys.

Sounds like... Guys, it's just like when there's a homeless person on the other side of the road. You just run across the road and you shove him. Yeah, no. Also... Is this not relatable? I thought these were... No, these things are not relatable. Jordan, what are you talking about? You're trying to make metaphors so that we can

all understand why you killed me. Jordan, I thought you were a nice guy. You know, this is what happened, Andy. That's funny. Last week on the show, someone called in and said that she had just moved to Los Angeles. She saw Jordan at a mall in Century City, and she was afraid to go up to him because she thought he would be mean to her. Really?

Yeah. Based on your on-air persona? Yeah, well, Jordan is, you know, I mean, sure, Jordan's a holy terror on the radio. You know, here on the podcast, he's really something else. He's a real firebrand and just a hateful man. He does not suffer fools gladly on the radio. Certainly not. But in real life, I thought that it was obvious everyone knew he's just a teddy bear.

Yeah. You know what I mean? It's an act. He's just the sweetest guy. Sometimes I'll murder for no reason. Right. Or shove a person. But it's all part of the act?

Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Your murders are part of the act. It's like an Andrew Dice Clay thing. He's not actually like that. He's parodying guys like that. Are you sure? Are you sure about that?

I'm not. You're more of a parody. So you're saying, or like Larry the Cable Guy, he's actually from Ohio or something. His character is sort of part parody, part homage to the sort of blue-collared Joe from the South. You get it. It's very complicated. Very complicated. So your character is sort of part parody, part homage to the classic American serial murderer.

So you commit ironic murders. It's almost as if to say, imagine if I really were a guy who committed these murders that I'm committing. You get it. I got you. It's like when people say, well, wasn't Starship Troopers a shitty movie? And then I say, that's the point. That's kind of like my murders. Do you

usually use garroting? I don't know what garroting is. Garotting? Like a piano wire type of situation. You know, whatever's clever. Whatever's the last thing that you would do. Yeah, exactly.

Whatever would be funniest. Like a pillow in the face? Yeah, like pillow in the face. Yeah, you. That's what you do. Exactly. Whatever would be funniest. Like a pillow in the face? Yeah, like pillow in the face. Sure. Yeah, you know, maybe something, you know, something really out of date. Like a blunderbuss. That's funny. Yeah, that'd be pretty funny.

It seems, though, Jordan, I mean, you know, Andy's the comedian, so I guess it's his judgment that we should be trusting here. I'm prepared to make a judgment at any time. But it seems odd to me. It seems like maybe the cost might not be worth the payoff relative to, for example, like wearing one of those black T-shirts with the kind of like, you know, airbrushed graphic of a wolf on it. Yeah, yeah. Like compared to that, where the cost for that is it's not the most aesthetically appealing T-shirt,

the payoff is the irony that you would wear one of those wolf shirts. In this case, correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like the cost is a human life. Well, but you know what? Then that makes... When the cost goes up, the payoff goes up. Yeah. Yeah.

What you do to one side of the equation, you have to do to the other side of the equation. Raise the stakes. That's a good point. And you know what? You know what they always say about Jordan? Anything for a laugh. Absolutely. Sure, sure.

I do. I do have... I have a graph illustrating that exact point. Let's have a look. No, let's... Let's all have a laugh. Absolutely. Sure, sure. I do. I have a graph illustrating that exact point. Let's have a look. No, let's all have a look. Well, listen, we have a... Audience, close your eyes and imagine a funny graph. We have a lot of fun planned for this week's program with the ghost of Andy Daly here.

He travels between worlds. Are you in ghost form or corporal form? I'm in corporal form right now. In corporal or corporal? Oh, jeez. I am now not a ghost. Okay. Good.

But you never know what's going to happen. That's why you don't sound that spooky. You sound more genial. Right, exactly. Here, watch this. Now I'm a ghost. Oh, fuck! Fuck! Ghost! Ghost!

All right, all right, relax. I'm not now. I'm not now. You know, you look... It was funny why... I wonder why we got so scared, because you look exactly the same. You just sounded like that. Do I?

I don't have any idea what I look like when I go to ghost mode. No, no. You look the same. Is that right? That must be why you're so successful in the regular world. Your hair part's on a different side. That's kind of the only way I was able to tell that something

had changed. And the voice. Well, anyway, we got a great show. I just found out Jordan's a murderer. Yep. We got the ghost of Andy Daly here. A lot of good phone calls. So I think this one's going to be a lot of fun. This is what you call a can't fail show. Sure.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go proof. It's Jordan. Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne. America's radio. Sweetheart. Are you in Turkey?

Nope. Nope. I think there's some beef jerky? No. Nope. I think there's some beef jerky. Nope. Jordan. Huh? You're smiling really wide right now. That's because, um, I enjoy the sea.

Which we're in the middle of. You weren't smiling for the last two weeks. Yeah, you know. You've been... It's just starting to sink in now, you know? You've been downright ornery. Yeah, but I don't know. I'm just...

Hey. Jordan, what's that brown stuff in between your teeth? Ocean stuff. Something I found in the ocean. Not food. Certainly not food. It's a residue. An oceanic residue.

Wow. Inside my head right now, I am visiting MakePixelArt.com. No, that'll stave off madness for a couple hours. And I'm making pixel art of you. And you've got a big Slim Jim in your hand. You're snapping into the Slim Jim just as the noose around your neck is snapping the connection between your brain and your spine.

Boy, that's an amazing website. MakePixelArt.com You can really make pixel art out of anything. You really can. I mean, it is amazing. You know what I always think is one of the best times to make pixel art? In any time? Well, when you're counting down to your first bong hit.

Oh, which we helped the guy do. Since you. Yeah. Let's reminisce. We got this call from this guy. Now, look, this call isn't much. There's not a lot of content in this call, Jordan. But I wanted to include it.

And I think when you hear it, you'll see why. Okay. Hey, what's up, Jordan and Jesse? Giving a call from a great state of Cleveland, Tennessee. I work in the manufacturing industry. Cut out floorboards for a bus company, Bluebird School Bus Company. And I've got to say, man, we've done hit on those tough economic times that you've been hearing about on the news talk show programs on television. And so getting a little bit behind on the podcast, a couple episodes behind, which I'm

quite a bit dismayed on that. But hopefully things will turn around soon. On another note, come April 6th, I will be officially released from federal probation. I was accused of some conspiracy charges. Some shit they couldn't even prove, yet I was conspiring to do. So needless to say, I'm going on three years of no marijuana intake in my lungs, but, uh, come April 6th will be my first official bong hit. So if you guys want to count down, uh, the ball with me on that, that might be cool. Uh, I know you aren't necessarily Mary Jane friendly on the show yet. Eh, just had to put that out there. So, yeah, I love the show. You guys keep it up.

2009, keep it real. Whatever. My God. Wow. Yes. Yes. We will absolutely do a countdown to your first bong hit. From the great state of Cleveland, Tennessee, my friend.

Wow. How do you get a podcast in prison? He's on probation, Jordan. Oh, okay. The man is on probation. He's not in prison. Oh, okay. And he works for the... He works for the Bluebird School Bus Company.

Gotcha. Well, I'll tell you this much. What? I certainly feel a lot better about the safety of our children, specifically with regard to floorboards. Mm-hmm. So I can tell you that. Yeah.

The guy's not pulling bong rips. Yeah, right. I know. Three years he hasn't been because of those bullshit conspiracy charges. I hate those. Couldn't even prove them. I hate those. Oh, God.

What do you think it was a conspiracy to do? Defraud a miner. Probably. And by miner, I mean M-I-N-E-R. Yeah. That's a crime in Tennessee. Conspiracy to defraud a miner. Who is also the governor.

Also does a little mining on the side. They sold him a parakeet for his mining. Yeah. But it was actually just one of those ones you buy at the drugstore where you just press a button and it goes... You know what I mean? Sort of like one of those talking pirate things. And then he goes into the mine. He doesn't know if there's poison gas.

Exactly. And then all of a sudden you're busted. Conspiracy to defraud a miner. You see what I'm saying? You're a legal genius. Thank you. I'm a regular. William Shatner on Boston Legal.

There you go. Thank you very much. I prefer to think of myself as a James Spader on Boston Legal. Thank you very much. You know what? We've been on this boat for two weeks. We've been recording this very special episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go! for what? About six hours now.

Yeah, that's about right. Six, eight hours. It's hard to say, but judging by the sun, how the sun has moved. Yeah. I've been looking at the sun. It seems like it's wiggling a little bit. Yeah. You know what?

Keep looking at it. Maybe it'll wiggle more. You know what? Just really give it a good look. I gotta get a closer look at this thing. I'm getting my magnifying glass out. Good idea. Hey, would you mind reminiscing a little bit for me? I was thinking you could maybe reminisce about the time that Brandon Bird was on our show and we talked about dinosaurs a lot.

Okay. He's well known for his paintings, which often feature pop cultural figures, sometimes engaged in unusual activities, such as Bea Arthur, is it, that's wrestling the raptor? That's correct. Is it raptors or is it Deinonychus? What exactly, what pack hunting carnivore is she wrestling? I always thought it was Deinonychus. I say Deinonychus. Diplodocus. That's another one. I say Deinonychus.

Diplodocus. That's another one. And it's Diplodocus. Brontosaur? There you go. Okay. Great. Brandon Bird.

Brandon, welcome to Jordan, Jesse, go. It's great to have you here. Oh, thank you. I was actually going to answer his question. No, yeah, please do. Fine. Go for it. I think by their size, they'd have to be dynonicus because like it's you know based off the jurassic park raptors and those are too big and also you know miscolored and featherless because you know this week they they found out

what dinosaurs looked like wait they found out what dinosaurs look like this i mean how they look like what they were their coloration i know i didn't know this hold on this stop hammer time let's deal with this yeah let's unpack this suitcase when did they find this out you just dropped what do they look like you just dropped a dino bomb on us yeah okay so like it's not all dinosaurs it's the feathered dinosaurs like the little raptory guys okay because i was under the impression this is bird-hipped dinosaurs yes specifically the ones that like small predator guys who had feathers if that's the i remember if i remember my nova correctly from when i was 13 what is a tyrannosaurus rex a bird hip dinosaur wasn't that the premise when they wasn't they they when they figured out that birds

and dinosaurs were related to each other wasn't it by studying the tracks of a Tyrannosaurus rex? I think that there are bird-hipped dinosaurs and there are lizard-hipped dinosaurs. Okay. And you know because you took dinosaur class, if I'm remembering college correctly. No, you know, I could not get into dinosaur class. I was just – No way. I took dinosaur class.

You were the recipient of dinosaur class? Yeah. Secondhand dinosaur class? Sure. I was just a dinosaur enthusiast as a kid. Okay. Brandon, you did take dinosaur class. Yeah.

We all went to the same university, the University of California at Santa Cruz. Go slugs. Did you take Muppet class also? Go slugs indeed. No, I did not take Muppet. Okay. Well, I took Muppet class. We can talk about that later.

If we're listing bullshit classes we took, I took clowning brandon you took dinosaurs jesse took muppets and i took clowning and now we're productive members of society specifically the class i took was called muppet magic oh wow oh i also took saturday night live class from the same teacher good Good. From, oh, Dr. Bullshit. Yes. Dr. Fuckaround. Brandon, let's talk about these guys. Sorry, sorry, sorry. We're way off. Okay, where did you hear this and what were the findings?

Okay, so I believe I heard it from the news. Wait, I need to interject again. I made a mistake in going back to dinosaurs because we are live streaming this jordan jesse go which we which we do on occasion and we i announced time to time i announced it on my twitter which is a young american somebody in the chat room i just happened to be i was grabbing my water for a drink of water i look over at the chat room that's going on as as we're doing this somebody fucking identified dr kathy foley from the university of california at santa cruz based on muppet class and saturday night live class all we had to do was say yes her specialty

was uh was javanese puppet theater i mean balinese mask work maybe. Yeah, there you go. And her – M-A-S-Q-U-E. Her top reputation around – the thing that everyone said about her that may or may not have been true was that she taught Muppet class because she knew the Muppet people and a Muppet was based upon her. Wasn't it Janice from the band? Yeah, there you go. And you know what? Dr. Teeth? Dr. Teeth? Dr. Teeth and the electric something?

What was the name of the Muppet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so – a theory that if you saw Kathy Foley, if you experienced one of her classes and a very nice lady and a perfectly good teacher – I'm not putting her down – absolutely sincerely believable. She has the mannerisms of a Muppet in human form. She is like a Muppet made. I want to say a Muppet made corporal, but obviously Muppets are corporal. A Muppet made stringless. Yes.

And felt free. Okay. Back to dinos and what color they are. Okay. Let's talk about dinos. You were listening or watching the news. Or probably reading it on the internet. are. Okay, so this is – You were listening or watching the news. Or probably reading it on the internet. Sure, okay.

But basically it's like they realize that like the pigments in feathers have a specific shape. They're like a protein. It's like oblong or whatever and each color has a different shape. And those shaped proteins, even though the actual pigment in it will dissolve. So you're saying colors have shapes? The things that hold colors. You're saying colors have shapes. Sure.

This is a fucking UC Santa Cruz shit going down. Yeah, right? Hey, guys. But anyway, they looked at, using, I think, a microscope. Okay. They looked at using i think a microscope okay they looked at the fossilized which is like for people who haven't seen nova that's like uh it's sort of like a complicated set of eyeglasses for looking at tiny things keep going yeah like a long curved binoculars sure uh and they they looked at the fossilized like imprints of the feathers and like oh well these ones have this shape and this one has this shape.

And they realized that this little raptory guy had a tail that was colored alternating like an orange creamsicle color. Wow. Like orange and white alternating stripes down its tail. No fucking way. Amazing. That's as good as it gets. As a lifelong dinosaur aficionado, I can safely say, holy shit. That's something in all the museum tours I've taken over my life

and all the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah I read as a kid. They basically always said we will never know what color dinosaurs were. And now we do. And now I'm mad at all of them. Yeah, what the fuck? Retroactively. What the fuck, scientists? Yeah, come on.

You know what? I think scientists think it's their job to preemptively crush our dreams. I think so too. That's why they say that man will never fly without the aid of a machine. Pretty soon we're gonna find out that not only can i fly with the aid of a machine but i've got alternating orange and white stripes on my tail yes that's the kind of shit we're gonna start finding out man that is amazing brandon you've already brought to us some of the best information that I've ever heard in my entire life.

Well, thank you. Are they looking into other dinosaurs and what color they are? Or are they just going to quit while they're ahead? I think it basically implied that it is limited to feathered dinosaurs. And having the fossilized imprints or remains or whatever of the feathers to look at. Let me ask you guys this question. Archaeopteryx. Not really a dinosaur.

Not really a question. Wow. Shut down. You guys are a regular couple of scientists. Here, I'm extending. I have my microscope in my hand. I am extending it out at arm's length and I am dropping it. Chris Rock style.

Jordan. The final word. Is that honestly the case that an Archaeopteryx is not a real dinosaur? It's not. Because it can fly? Yeah. I'm reluctant to call it a pterosaur. It's not.

It's. I think it's like a bird-like lizard or something like that. Yeah, I think it's technically a lizard. Because it doesn't have, I'm trying, I'm actually legitimately trying to remember dinosaur class right now. If I'm not mistaken, dino sour means terrible lizard in Latin. That's correct. So I know for a fact that dinosaurs are lizards. They're as lizard-y as they are terrible.

Yes, but scientifically what defines a dinosaur is, I think, its hip shape and then its sinus cavity. There's something in its head that specifically is like, well, this is different than a lizard. That's what defines a supermodel. It says a supermodel apart from a regular model. Right. Exactly. That's the difference. Sure.

There's bird-hipped models and there's lizard-hipped models. Exactly. So, for example, take... And some have a venom that they can spit. Take Twiggy. Bird-hipped. Sure. Supermodel Twiggy.

Well, anyway, we're mostly going to be talking about dinosaurs on this week's show it's going to be a lot of fun um diplodocus is going to be discussed various ichthyosaurs also not a dinosaur nope what the fuck it's not a dinosaur what is this it's a swimming one there's a different kind of thing when they're swimming. Yeah, it's not a dinosaur. Is this a fucking setup? You just think everything is a dinosaur, it sounds like. Yeah. Sounds like you're pretty liberal with your definition of dinosaur. I am not liberal with my definition of dinosaurs.

What about saber-toothed tigers? That's a dinosaur. No. Animal. Late ice age. Whoa. Saber-toothed tigers. No. Animal. Late ice age. Whoa. Sabertooth tigers, check out those fucking chompers. Remember that time you said you were married to a dinosaur?

That was also not true. You know what I've been thinking a lot about, Jordan? Breakfast. Breakfast. French Breakfast. Breakfast. French toast. Yeah. Poached eggs. Nuts stepped on by a dominatrix.

What? I'm sorry? Breakfast? French toast. Poached eggs. Poached eggs. Getting your nuts stepped on by a dominatrix. Waffles? Right. Waffles?

Right. Waffles. Yeah. I have orders from my wife to buy whole grain waffles. So I'm in the waffle aisle checking out the waffles. There's a sign. In fact, a series. Get your nuts out of that vice, Jesse.

Jesus Christ. A series of identical signs in the waffle aisle. I'm going to read to you what this sign says. It's in the waffle area of the Gelson's. Sure. Due to manufacturing issues,

Kellogg's is currently unable to provide a consistent supply of Eggo brand frozen waffles. Vans waffles? You didn't know about this? I saw this story. I'm about this? I saw this story. I saw this on, I'm not kidding. I saw this story on a news crawl on CNN four months ago that there is a massive waffle shortage.

I'm not even kidding. I think I took a picture of the screen as quickly as I could. I was going like, well, I mean, it's like Iraq this, Afghanistan that, waffle shortage. I thought it was a joke. I think it's one headline. If you ask me, they're related. I think maybe it is related. The struggles in the Middle East are directly related to our waffle shortage. I thought it was a joke. I think it's one headline. If you ask me, they're related. I think maybe it is related.

The struggles in the Middle East are directly related to our waffle shortage over here. Do you think that maybe the Iranian nuclear power controversy is grounded in the fact that they use nuclear power to create our frozen waffles? Well, I think maybe it's part of a terrorist ploy to drive americans insane one piece at a time yeah right we will start with the waffles then we install the hydrogen hotels i think that's i think that's kind of how it works what and then all the women's tops will come off what could possibly be causing an a shortage? I'm going to guess fat people. Eating so many waffles. I'm going to guess that

the American obesity problem is consuming three to five times as many waffles as previous generations. Is it too difficult? Is there something in the waffle supply? Is there a key element in the waffle supply chain that's irreplaceable? Like, I'm guessing for example, this is my best guess,

I'm not a waffle expert or waffle-ologist. My best guess is that waffles are made with the difficult-to-find metal tungsten. Tungsten waffles. And so as our struggles with Evo Morales, the socialist president of Bolivia, continue, it becomes more and more difficult for us to get tungsten from their rich tungsten fields, thus throttling the supply of Eggo brand waffles. Well, before the Eggo settled on Lego My Eggo, they had experimented with Stop Tonguing My Tungsten. And they were like, well, no one's going to know what this is. Because they don't realize that there's tungsten in waffles. Yeah, and maybe Americans might be uncomfortable with consuming this rare metal.

You'd think that they would be able to move some capacity from pancakes over to waffles to make up for the situation, the problem. Now, there's not a pancake shortage. Typical pancake faggot. Thinking you can solve everything by moving your pancakes over to your waffles. Pretty soon we're going to have to start getting them from Africa and they'll be blood waffles. That's my thing.

It is. It's almost like having a spackle shortage or something. It's really just a couple of elements, right? Yeah. You should just make more. Right. Oh, my God. You're right. All that's in there is spackle powder and spackle juice. Unless, of course, waffles are also regulated by the Federal Reserve Bank.

They're like, we only print so many waffles each year. Yeah, they'll lose their value. We're in a tremendous waffle deficit right now. Are you suggesting, and let me know if I'm parsing this correctly, that we should perhaps move from a waffle gold standard to a waffle silver standard? I think we need to get off the waffle standard altogether. You believe in free-floating waffles. Yes, I do.

You believe in floating the waffle supply. A theoretical waffle that the American public just is made to assume is there. Sorry if I don't have the same faith in the banking class that you do. Listen, on paper, I'm very waffle rich, but I can't just walk into the bank and get my waffles. It doesn't work that way, you guys. I mean, you know what happened during the Civil War. I mean, those Confederate waffles were just worth nothing. You guys, so it's a wonderful life, right? I don't

have waffles here. The waffles are in Ted's house. And in my tummy. They're in my... They're delicious in my tummy. Oh, God. Is there a voice more fun to do than the Jimmy Stewart voice? Um... No. No. Except this guy

who builds hydrogen hotels. Oh, yes! Where is my money? We've got Chris. Where is my money? We've got Chris Hardwick with us. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Wait, I have the cure for cancer. Oh, Jordan. All of my reminiscences now are about food.

Oh, boy. Yeah, I mean, we're kind of getting there. I mean. The hunger zone. Do you have any more foot left? Do you have another foot? Why don't you just eat that? Why don't you give me some of your beef jerky?

Sorry, it's an emergency situation. You don't want to be... You ate some of your beef jerky earlier, and there were no dragons here as far as I know. That was part of a pantomime. A pantomime? You mean like an English holiday play? Yes.

Really? Yeah, yeah. Where, like, kids all get together and... Yeah, there's a man in drag and it's a classic fairy tale. And they sing pop songs. Yeah. A pantomime. What was...

What was this pantomime where he ate the jerky? Hansel and Gretel. Hansel and Gretel. Did you like it? I mean, I did it for your benefit. I mean, we're trying to, I don't know, we're just trying to hang on to our lingering threads of sanity here. I did enjoy it. I mean, I can't tell you that I didn't enjoy it.

I can't honestly say that I didn't enjoy it. There were a lot of nice touches. I liked the... Remember the whole Lady Gaga sequence? Pretty funny, huh? I thought that was funny because it's something that I know and I love, but it was in a different context. And remember when me and all the other kids yelled,

look out behind you or he's behind you. And then I couldn't... Yeah. And then I didn't see it until the last second. Yeah. You know, it was a great panto-mime. Nice. Try not to fucking bite my head off every time I try and entertain you with a thrilling panto-mime.

Do you mind if I reminisce a little bit more? Oh, yeah, that's fine. Yeah, I'm just going to reminisce about the time that the guys from Aqua Teen Hunger Force were visiting us. And then we started talking about girl scout cookie billboards so oh here here is this this billboard i saw and it number one i was sort of surprised to see a billboard for girl scout cookies uh seems like an odd thing to have a billboard for seems like sort of the premise of having a billboard is that i mean the premise of girl scout cookies is a girl scout brings them to you right yeah you're supposed to be outside of a

store or uh knocking door to door and that's and that's i mean that's one of the things they tell the girl scouts in the orientation is you guys are our living billboards yeah so to have a billboard it seems like you're undercutting part of the Girl Scout oath. Do they have a website with a PayPal set up or anything like that? That's the thing. They don't. You cannot buy them online. You're not allowed to buy them online. So there's really like no.

But if you're going to have the billboard, you may as well have the website, right? Exactly. And there's no call to action here. The thing is there's no way to say just buy some cookies now because you either know a Girl Scout or you don't know a Girl Scout. You know what I mean? Like there's no in-betweeny world where you can just call the Girl Scout distribution hotline and say send out a Girl Scout. I'd like to buy some Girl Scout cookies. I'd like to buy some Girl Scout cookies. I need to get some cookies here. I guess there's the door-to-door.

There's the my boss's kid comes around, which is how I get my Girl Scout cookies. Right, sure. But, I mean, there's also like the supermarkets and like the indie bookstores have Girl Scouts. Do they really? I got to get up at the Do It Center outside, the Burbank Do It Center one day. Sure. But it's like a table outside it's not actually sold in the store no no i guess that what the billboard is just priming

you for hey gang when you see them get your cookie money yeah yeah right always have cash on you you see a girl in a green vest she's got some cookies on right so here's not some sort of crossing guard that's right yeah here's what here's what's on the billboard. Top left, it says Girl Scout Cookies, which is great. Got to get the name of the product out there. It's fantastic. That's a fine example of text. Bottom right, there's two pictures of two boxes of Girl Scout Cookies. Looks like green.

That'll be a Thin Mint, if I'm not mistaken. And purple, what's that, a Samoa? Probably a Samoa. That's the coconut. That's the one with the stripes. Yeah, the coconut roundies, yeah. Okay, so. Roundies.

Roundies. And in the upper right-hand corner, it's got the Girl Scouts logo and the website of Girl Scouts of Los Angeles. Everything so far, perfectly kosher. Right. It's just a great filler for when you haven't sold your billboard. You just say, hey, Girl Scouts, want to put a picture? Let's put it on. Okay.

The text in the center, the slogan is, want a box? Text your zip. And your is spelled U-R. And it seemed kind of a fun, like kids-oriented. Like a kid drew it. Yeah, it seemed like a fun. Like one of these young girls wrote down, want a box? Exactly. Text your zip.

Exactly. And there's a word bubble coming out of one of the girls' mouths that says, remember, don't kidnap us. Right. We're not for kidnapping anymore. Just buy cookies from them. So the call to action here, you know, normally it would be buy some Girl Scout cookies. In this case, the call to action is text your zip. Okay.

Now, I don't know what that accomplishes, but we can get into that in a second. Underneath text your zip is an email address. Okay. So there's no number to text to. It's not like text G.S. Cooks. Yeah. Or something like that. G.S. Cooks. Text your zip text G.S. Cooks or something like that.

G.S. Cooks. Text your zip to G.S. Cooks. Oh yeah, I see where you're... They're asking me to send a text message to an email address. So that's the first issue. You know there's some tottering old woman who's the head of the Girl Scouts.

To be modern and bring it up for everyone. I want texting and emails. And let's put some of those phones in here. And by all means, tell your you are. Like the old days. So here's the thing. It just says Bieber on the billboard somewhere.

If that was all that was wrong with this billboard, it would be an unusual billboard. There's also a picture of a Girl Scout. She's got her hand extended like, yeah. You know what I mean? That kind of extension like, oh, yeah. I'm aware of that brand of extension. Yes, we all know.

And you can see. The classic oh oh yeah extension. You can see from her happy facial expression that she just got an order for a box of Girl Scout cookies. I'm going to say 400 orders. Yeah. She's fucking stoked about it. Highland Park is big Girl Scout country. That's right. Happy.

So she had just gotten a text on her email device. Yeah. On her email device. Yeah, on her email device. Or email machine. It's funny that you should mention that, Dave. It appears that she just got the text via email on her regular iPod. Her music-playing iPod. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

How do we know it's her regular music-playing iPod? You think the Girl Scouts may have a secret iPod that receives emails and text messages? Well, I mean, maybe it's the iPhone. iPhone looks like the iPod, right? The iPhone does not look like the iPod. There's a wheel. It has a small – it's got a wheel and a small screen. It's clearly an iPod. Oh, yeah.

That clearly is an iPod. Clearly this is a – That is very clearly an iPod. This is clearly a stock photograph that they have somehow Photoshopped in someone's zip code or something like that onto the screen of an iPod. And then maybe Photoshopped a green vest on top of a stock photograph girl. It's probably from the 80s. It was probably like a Walkman. Just painted black and put a screen on it. Yeah, and this billboard also, the way you were describing it is way better than this billboard is.

You didn't mention that the entire background color they chose as a background color. What would you do? What is it when you think of Girl Scouts? What color do you think of? Green. Green, right. What's the back color of this? Flesh.

Like salmon, old salmon flesh color. Very unappealing. If you think about, for example, what do you associate with the Girl Scouts? Merit badges, of course. You get merit badges for things like various home economics things, right? Where is the design layout?

Baking, certainly you get one for camping. You get one for flaying, which is why they use the flesh color. Maybe they're giving out one for camping, and you get one for flaying, which is why they use the flesh color. Maybe they're giving out one for marketing now. Yeah, I'll tell you what. Plus, there's about 17 different styles of fonts on that billboard. That's so many fonts.

And there's just some random pieces of clip art. There's a shark at a birthday party. There's one of those fishes tipping its hat. The moon making out with a turkey. A paper clip on a skateboard. Brought to you by Print Shop Deluxe. Just everything. It has those little holes along the edge

like it came out of one of those continuous print printers. Yeah. You know they were like, we had our contest for the best Girl Scouts across the nation. We're going to design the billboard. I can't believe this is the fucking best one. It's the only one with no swearing.

Are we teaching these girls nothing? Can we get out of this? There's got to be something. No, the contest specifically states. We have to put it up. All right. You know what? Let's just put it up. All right. You know what? Let's just put it up in Hyde Park once.

Let's just do one of these. I think really the amazing part of this is not so much that they got little things wrong about technology, that they thought you could send a text message to an email address or receive an email or text message on an iPod. It's that they knew about all this stuff in 1987 when they designed this billboard. Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly it. It's like a Nostradamus prediction.

That they called us crazy. Like a man with a blue turban will cause a war. Yeah, well, maybe that billboard will be popping up in 2014. There will be a great quake. Yeah, that's right. When they had the divining badge, which girls' eyes would roll back and just start writing out billboards that they need to put up in 10 or 15 years. Are we asking for something?

Texting? Some kind of electronic address for correspondence. It seems entirely possible to me, Dana, that there was a whole class of Girl Scout badges based on marginal performance forms and various pseudoscience, pseudomagic spectacles. There's the alchemy badge. The phrenology badge. Very popular. There was the living on an air diet badge. Exactly.

There was the mostly Victorian stuff. There was the putting a bell on top of a gravestone with a string that goes down into the coffin so nobody gets buried alive badge. You had to go through and make sure no one was buried alive. That's how you got the badge. And finally, make your own fainting couch.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. 14 days. One boat. Two friends. One pile of crystals. One magnifying glass. Huge number of albatrosses.

Sure. Two years back issues of albatrosses. Sure. Two years back issues of FHM Magazine. Two years probation ended with one fatty bong rip. Yeah. It's been a really beautiful journey, Jordan. It's been fun. Do you remember the time that you met Ving Rhames? Not anymore.

I'll tell you about it. Oh, okay. Through the medium of magic sound projected into your ears. I'll take it. Curtis Gwynn is going to be there, too. Okay, great. Okay, so Ving Rhames. Ving Rhames.

You're trying to be the toughest prison guy. That's great. Okay, so Ving Rhames. Ving Rhames. You're trying to be the toughest prison guy. That was your bit. That was my bit. Okay. Anyway, so as soon as I get there, people are coming up to me. People from the publicity firm are coming up to me and asking me, what are you going to do with Ving Rhames? And I explain the thing.

He's like, okay. And then they list these things that I can't say to Ving Rhames. That like, you can't ask him about the original Death Race. You can't say anything that implies you haven't seen Death Race 2 yet. You can't like say, you can't like ask him to describe something that you should know about. Like,

so they're really on edge and I guess he's been like shutting people down and sending reporters away And let's be clear Asking someone to describe Something that you should know about Is the basis of interviewing That's essentially what interviewing is

Making this All the more unreasonable You try and figure out What someone would be What someone has to say that's interesting And then you ask them to say that to you. Sure. Yes. There's a clip.

I think we talked about it earlier. Paul Scheer, he was in Piranha 3D with Ving Rhames, and he was telling stories in the Onion AV Club. There's a link. If you guys check out the Onion AV Club with Paul Scheer's interview, there's a link if you guys check out onion av club with paul scherz interview there's a link to a radio interview paul says if you want to know what ving rames is like listen to this promotional piranha 3d like talking he does with these radio hosts so if you can find it's on youtube okay definitely look it up uh yes i did not know i guess ving rames has a history of being nuts, but I did not know this going into it.

So, you know, from the second I walk in there to the second before I go into the door, I have different publicists from different sides of this thing coming up to me. And I don't think it was just because I was wearing a do-rag. They seem to be doing this to everyone. Like, they seem to be just, like, overly prepping everybody to deal with this unpleasantness did your orange jumpsuit have sleeves no no oh were they picking on you specifically again no sure um were you allowed to have a belt no no shoelaces no belt sure um don't look him in the eye um so i go in there and i sit down and he basically immediately and unpromptedly starts talking about george bush right just complain just talking about george bush and i'm i'm gonna i'm gonna try and i realize me trying

to do his voice will sound racist right but. But I feel like it helps the story. And you've established already a reputation for racism within the context of this program. And who played the villain in the Daredevil remake. Daredevil remake? Daredevil movie. If you do some Song of the South, Steppin' and Fetchin' voice, because that's not what Ving Rhames sounds like. No, no.

I will be playing the spoons, though. Oh, no. He has sort of a deep Julie Andrews type voice. Yes, he does. That's right. So he's just like, you know, George Bush ruled the country with fear. He, you know, and just all this stuff. And I don't know where he, how that started.

I still can't, I must have said something to prompt that, but he's basically like, the Bush administration ruled the country with fear. They used misinformation, you know, to turn the people into sheep. Anyways, sure, I would maybe argue that George Bush was a lousy president, but why are we still talking about this at a a press thing for Death Race 2 directed DVD. In which you're in character. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't believe there is a press thing for Death Race 2. That's the most shocking thing about the story. Yeah. Who's the press? Who's setting this up? I don't know. It was the first, yeah, it was the first directed DVD press thing I'd ever been to. Wow.

It's, I guess, a little more high profile than your usual directed DVD thing. I mean, with the success of Death Race. Sure. Well, you're right. I forgot. Death Race was so big. It was huge. It wasn't Jack Frost big.

No, well, nothing is. Thanks for bringing up Jack Frost, because I do want to say that that is a... You've said it many times. You've said it many times. Sorry, Bing Ramsey. So then I just said randomly, do you want to give me a prison tattoo? And he's like, you want to see a prison tattoo? I'll show you a prison tattoo.

And he lifts up his shirt. He takes off his jacket and lifts up his shirt and reveals a chest covered in scars. Covered in deep, horrible scars. And he's pointing to it. And he's like, yeah, that's a prison tattoo. And so I move to leave. I just move to leave. I just want out of there.

Like, it's... You're genuinely afraid. I feel like I'm... As a racist. As a racist. And a man who's much smaller and less forceful Than Ving Rhames Sure Yes

He's like And then I get to And he's like Hey yo You want me to give you A prison tattoo I'll give you a prison tattoo And he takes one of my

Magic markers And draws X's over my eyes And then I leave And I sit down To do my next interview And then the publicist Comes and taps me And she's like um there was a um there was a problem with your tape um so we're gonna need you to come in and do the interview

with thing again oh which is like asking me to relive the most terrifying four minutes of my life i don't want to do it like i'm i'm terrified and creeped out but i'm like well i should just do it so i i go back in and i sit down before the camera's on he's like have you really ever been to prison i'm like i i don't know if i thought this would be funny or why i said i'm like no but i did go to college at uc santa cruz yeah i don't know what that i just something i said i just i don't even know i don't even understand why i said that's like a t-shirt at the end of the day we did go to uc santa cruz and that is a funny college sure it's a funny thing to say to ving raives when you're afraid afraid of him. Yeah. And so the thing starts up again

and he just like yells off screen to somebody. Like he's I think he knows what he's doing at this point.

He's yelling to someone. He's like get my 9mm! Get my 9mm! And he's like you know what that does? Bam! Kills you dead!

And then I'm I don't know what he's talking about. He's like, all right, you want a tattoo? Take off that jumpsuit. Can you take off that ridiculous ass jumpsuit? And I'm like, yeah, I guess I can. So I unzip it. I don't have a shirt on underneath.

He's like, turn around, turn around. So I kind of get on my knees in this director's chair with this jumpsuit hanging at my waist. And he takes the magic marker and writes, sorry, mom, on my back. And he's like, in prison, that's a tattoo they give you when you're somebody's bitch. And now you're my bitch. And then I reach over to shake his hand. I'm like, well, thank you very much. And I reach over to shake his hand.

He's like, whoa, I'm not gay. And that was it. Wow. It's the craziest thing in the world wow yeah well jordan i really enjoyed well not so much being stranded on this boat for two weeks with no food it's been a bit of a stinker but these reminiscences. These are nice. Would I have liked to have pursued these reminiscences in more comfortable circumstances?

Yeah. Maybe in someone's personal movie theater? Yeah, or at a coffee bean and tea leaf. That would be nice. I could get a nice iced blender. Yeah. That would be good. Yeah, I've heard those are really good.

Nice kind of nice plush chairs and a screen with a news crawl. What about Huarache Azteca in the park? We could get Huaraches. That would be fun. I mean, we could sit here and name places that are more comfortable than this. The cows could move. That's basically every place. Gobi Desert. Sure.

What about the Gobi Desert? Mm-hmm. The Polar Express. What? The wreck of the Zephyr. Sure. Jumanji. Mm-hmm.

Chris Van Allsburg. That guy's great. Well, it's... Mm-hmm. Chris Fadalsberg. That guy's great. Well, it's... Chris Fadalsberg. It's been a great... Yeah. It's been a great 200 episodes, Jordan. Yeah.

I just want to thank you. Are we out of reminiscences? Yeah, this is the end. Did we already think about everything that's ever happened to us? Yeah, we... I wouldn't say we've had full lives. No, certainly not. I'd say we've mostly frittered away our lives.

Oh, yeah. You on Street Fighter 2. Me on Mech Ties. Well, the Street Fighter series. All the Street Fighter games? I thought it was just Street Fighter 2. No, actually, you know, Street Fighter 2 is maybe the Street Fighter games? I thought it was just Street Fighter 2. No, actually, you know, Street Fighter 2 is maybe the Street Fighter game that I'm the worst

at. I thought that was the only Street Fighter game. I thought they were just all versions of Street Fighter 2. No, no, they moved on. I thought it was like Street Fighter 2 Wolfram Alpha. There's a lot of that. Street Fighter 2

All Jew Edition. Street Fighter 2, all-Jew edition. Street Fighter 2 as illustrated by Chris Van Allsburg. That one does have some subtle gradings. Yeah. Well, look. If anyone out there is listening, it's only because we've taken the hard drive that we've recorded this program on to put it into our last bottle sealed it with wax and somehow coincidentally my intern colin got his hands on that bottle pieced together the pieces of this show you're enjoying it and

you're enjoying it that'll take a real act of god for that to happen yeah but you know you never know oh hey you know what's never know. Oh, hey. You know what's funny? What? The raft's been in the pool the whole time. Holy shit. Yeah. The whole time this was a pool?

Yeah. Where? Oh, my God. I was, because I was wondering, when I drank the water, it did not taste salty. Yeah. But it did burn when it went down. Yeah, that's the chlorine. It makes sense now.

I mean, now I feel like an idiot, but... Yeah, I mean, I just didn't see the forest or the trees there for two weeks. Yeah. Hmm. That is so... Is that why I'm wearing swim trunks? Yeah. Holy moly.

Yeah. Huh. Is that why there's all these little kids swimming with, like, water wings and stickboards? Yeah, I mean, again, I was like, well, of course. Is this a wading pool? Is this a children's pool? Yeah. Man, I feel so...

This is exactly how I felt, like, at the end of Shutter Island. Right. Like, it makes perfect sense, and I should have seen it the whole time. Right. But I just, you Right. I didn't. I was so kind of caught up in the ride of Shutter Island, you know? It's weird that we can hear the sound of the ocean so clearly and that there's all these seagulls circling. Yeah.

But, I mean, it's not so weird that... No, I mean, it's, you know, bad writing. I probably... I would just chalk it up to bad writing. I probably should have noticed the speakers in the corner playing atmospheric sounds of the ocean. Yeah. Were we even on a cruise? Did I misremember that?

No, no. I think I was envisioning the pool of the cruise ships. Cruise ships have pools. Oh, no, but I'm pretty sure, like, I think we're just at the Balboa Park pool in San Francisco. Huh. I guess we are. That's weird. I'm looking outside. I'm seeing the Balboa Park pool in San Francisco. Huh. I guess we are. That's weird. I'm looking outside.

I'm seeing the Balboa Park neighborhood. I see the overcast skies. I'm pretty sure we're at the Balboa Park pool in San Francisco. Yeah. Do you remember taking a flight to San Francisco? Yeah, I mean, now I remember it, yes. Right. Huh.

Interesting. Yeah. Do you want to maybe, now I remember it, yes. Right. Huh. Interesting. Yeah. Do you want to, maybe when we get back, just maybe spend two weeks adrift at the Culver City YMCA? That sounds great. And then we can do some laps. That would be fun, yeah. Some Mexican-American dads.

Mm-hmm. Sounds great. Yeah. I'm in. Well, that's settled. Yeah, great. Thanks to everybody out there. Number 200 in the can.

200 great episodes. Yeah. And enjoy this promo for another one of our favorite MaxFun shows. I'm Jesse Thorne. Whether it's music, movies, comedy, books, or whatever, each week I talk to creative people about how they make their thing. About the moment when their craft went from a hobby to a career. And about the thing that surprised them most about the process. It's the Sound of Young America from MaximumFun.org

and PRI, Public Radio International.