Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 202: Hot-To-Trot with Matt Belknap

Episode Date: December 5, 2011

Aspecialthing.com's Matt Belknap joins Jordan and Jesse for some charitable giving, Jordan's butt check and natural disasters. Let's Go!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan. Jesse. Go!

Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, priddle, lovin', we're joined by Matt Belknap. We talk about forcing our children into our own image and other bullshit. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective A beautiful evening here at Shea Thorne

I don't know I like that, I think that's closer Shea Thorne is better? Yeah, yeah, I think so It doesn't capture the mountain chalet element Yeah, but I mean, I think for it to be a chalet You would need to, like, have a crackling fire

And a bearskin rug and toddies. Well, let's bring in our guest, and we'll get into this. You know him as one of the co-hosts of the Smash Hit podcast, Never Not Funny. You know him as the proprietor of a special thing.com and a special thing records, Mr. Matt Belknap. Welcome to the program, Matt. Thank you. Hi. Always nice to see you, Matt. Yeah, good to be here. This is the matt belknap welcome to the program thank you hi always nice to see you matt yeah good to be here this is the first time i've been to the new crib you mean shea thorn shea thorn i have this is my first visit to the shea thorn i i like the chalet

idea it does feel especially on a cold winter's night like this it's uh there's a lot of wood on the walls there are not exposed beams in the ceiling which i feel like may be a prerequisite for chalet status for official chalet status right matt actually i just saw matt i i was just uh he and his uh podcasting partner uh jimmy pardo and uh their friend slash acquaintance pat francis are you saying it's jimmy's friend and slash acquaintance, Pat Francis. Are you saying it's Jimmy's friend and my acquaintance? That's the impression I get. No, I think I've bumped up to friend status with Pat. Okay, excellent.

So that's a good guy and a very funny guy as well. They do this every year, this charity podcast-a-thon, which you were on one year. And I was on this year. And I was encouraged via donations to take down my pants. That is true. I forgot about that. That was on the very first one. And it worked. They gave up the money. You took down the pants.

I mean, that's kind of how I roll. In general, if you give up the money, I'll take down my pants. There's more to the story, though, because you had admitted... The reason it happened is you admitted that you hadn't done laundry for a certain amount of time and you were down to a promotion a pair of promotional boxers i was wearing a pair of walk hard promotional underwear yeah so that so then everyone had to see it yeah what was the premise of the promotional underwear for walk hard uh it's you know it's a it know, it's a pair of tighty-whities

that says Walk Hard on the butt. I think, wasn't there a scene or even in the promotion of that film, I feel like there was a poster where he was just wearing tighty-whities for some reason. You mean there's the part when he's having like the Brian Wilson-esque stage

where he's on acid and running around in his underwear. So yeah, maybe that's what it's meant to evoke. Right. But also, who doesn't love underwear with Walk Hard on the button? Yeah. It's not just to suggest, you know, a sort of sense of warning.

Contents may be disappointing. Oh, right. Like, don't get too excited about this dick that's in here. But it's on the back. It looks really great on paper. And granted, it has a few bright moments. But overall, it's on the back it looks really great on paper and granted it has a few bright moments but overall it's definitely a disappointment yeah uh i would say my i would say i would say i would find my dick surprisingly funny there might be a cameo in my underwear

that's uh enjoyable delightful but uh depends on how you feel about the spoof genre all the original music we wrote for My Dick was pretty good. Better than you might expect for a spoof. Anyway, how much money did you... Tim Meadows was good in My Dick. Okay, sorry. How much money did you end up raising in your charity endeavors? The number keeps rising.

I think in the 12 hours that we were broadcasting or webcasting, however you want to say it, or pardcasting even. No, do one of those other two that's not confusing. Parboiling? Is that correct? In the 12 hours we were talking, we raised

almost $35,000 and now it's up over $40,000. It's like $43,000 or something. And these things are usually you put these up for download. People can buy them. Yeah, December 15th. I don't know when this episode is going to go out, but on December 15th, you can purchase video and audio versions of the entire 12-hour event. I think we can agree that the big appeal of the video version of the show is to,

it's going to be one of your first opportunities in video form to see my mustache. Right? Am I mistaken? That's right. You haven't really gone public with your mustache yet. No. Your mustache has been in hiding. We didn't talk about that. That was a Never Not Funny exclusive at the time.

We should have probably hyped that. Yeah. I mean, that may have been the first public appearance of the mustache outside of a few photographs of that conference that I was the compere of in Belfast, Northern Ireland. And there were a few photos in Us Weekly of you getting fro-yo. Yeah, that is true. They're just like us.

Hey, I'm just like you. Okay, well, $40,000. We'll call it that. Here's what I think. Yeah. I think we can beat that. Okay. I think we can beat that.

Right now. Right here, right now on jordan jesse go here's my plan i received in the mail recently a lawsuit settlement oh boy i received two lawsuit settlements uh one was uh for a car accident i was in two years ago um i'm not getting up off that one. That one went straight to Daddy's bank account. Okay. This one however was for a class action suit that I was not aware I was party to.

I'm going to be honest with you guys. I must have filled out a form at some point in order to nominate myself for the class. Was this everybody who went to see Walk Hard in the theaters? Or everybody who put the underwear on afterwards. Yeah, right. That underwear made me imminent.

This lawsuit is Yingling versus eBay Incorporated. And I got pretty excited. I'm not going to lie to you. When you see a settlement check in your mail, you get excited, even if you don't understand why you're party to this lawsuit. I'll go one step further. When I see a Yingling in in my mailbox i get very excited well to be fair i mean you're mostly interested in regional beers um non-alcoholic regional beers that's a specific hobby of mine um you just like the packaging yeah i have like a label with a tree on it. I'm going to be honest with you guys. I'm not entirely sure how I qualified for this thing.

I think it involves eBay Motors, and I certainly don't remember ever buying anything from eBay Motors. Unless I accidentally bought a car one time and forgot to pay for it or something like that. Did you bid or were you watching an auction with a car? I must have been watching a car auction and that qualified me for the class. This check came in the mail. I mean, what do you figure it costs to send a letter these days?

You got to be looking at 50 cents, right? 44 minimum. You got to at least pay a guy to type into a computer, send Jesse a thing, plus a stamp and a letter and a piece of paper, right? Yeah. Got to be 50 cents. This check is for $0.02. Nice.

This is a check for two pennies. I don't know if this will work, and now that I'm saying this sentence, I don't know that this is of use to you, but I guess there is a bar somewhere in the valley where if you take in, it's for like residual checks, if you take in a residual check for under a dollar you can trade it for a beer. I don't know if they would look too closely at that

or if now's the time that you'd like to start drinking beer. Do they have yingling? I mean, only one way to find out. Now there only one way to find out. Now there's multiple ways to find out. This is what I'm thinking I'm going to do with this. Yeah. I know that there are a lot of charitable people

in the Jordan Jesse Go audience. This, after all, is the holiday season. So what I think I'm going to do is I'm going to take this pen he's really doing it he grabbed a pen there is a pen confirm it's a nice pen by the way that is a nice pen is that a mont blanc it's a mont blanc i'm going to go ahead and sign this and i'm getting like my heart is racing what's this goosebumps going up the back of my neck i i am going to put this check on ebay and you can find it on ebay by searching for jj go go and jordan and i will be donating the full proceeds from this auction less fees of course i'm not gonna pay your fucking auction fees for you to what do you say food bank by the way that's

what yingling said so it started this whole mess uh what do you say food bank jordan yeah food that sound right los angeles food bank absolutely los angeles area food bank will get the full proceeds of this nice and here's the thing they raised forty thousand dollars if we don't raise at least forty one thousand dollars from this two cent check yeah this auction for a two cent check i'm gonna be pretty bummed i guess well let's sell it a little bit. Like, what can you do with this two-cent check? I mean, you can cash it, obviously, but are there other uses? Is it

a handsome check? I haven't really seen it. Can you display it? It is. It's nice. It's got some anti-counterfeiting features, which I like. Watermark? It's got a dotted background, and it's printed with the AB Data logo in fluorescent ink. um sounds like a nice check i guess if i put it under a fluorescent light is that how it works jesse will you do me a

favor yeah when you list this on ebay will you please make the title of the auction i'll give you my two cents yes of course yes i will all caps exclamation point i mean that's why you run out of caps that's one great use how about spend more than spend more than the worth of the check for my two cents is that less catchy that's less catchy anytime that you're in like a town hall meeting or a brainstorming session yes you don't have anything to contribute you can get out of contributing an actual idea by taking out this check and saying, here's my two cents. And then everyone has to go home from the meeting because they're laughing too hard. I feel like this thing is going to become like a Flat Stanley type mythological character that gets sent around the world every time someone jokingly gives someone else their two cents.

Well, it's made out to cash. So, I mean, anyone can cash this check. so you can just freely spend it here and there i would recommend for example you could it's not the only thing you could do with it but one thing you could do with it is leave it in a give a penny take a penny like at a liquor store yeah exactly and then that will help uh that will help cover some drunks state taxes and what's great about that is the moment where they say no no you cannot put check and then they go oh wait a minute it's cash yeah boom made it it's made out to cash jordan forty one thousand dollars it's not unreasonable right i mean i should hope i should hope we'll get up to that in the first five minutes i mean and... And I'm dead serious about this.

Yeah, sure. Search for JJ Go on eBay. You will find this. And I think we can make 41K. I'm not that serious about the 41,000 part. But we got to be able to get three digits. It's a charitable donation. Right.

Whatever... Tis the season, people. Yeah, tis the season for... You also have some, at least a handful of crazy millionaire podcast fans, right? Got a few, yeah. Absolutely. That's what they do when they're holed up Spruce Goose style. Yeah, I mean...

Who built the Spruce Goose? That was Howard Hughes. Leonardo DiCaprio. Yeah, like in between collecting Hughes Leonardo DiCaprio Yeah Like in between Leonardo DiCaprio Bought the spruce goose's skull Oh okay

Right He outbid Nicolas Cage Yeah Um Wait I mean Not that the pot Needs to be sweetened

Okay But I mean In line with Our earlier conversation Can we Add an element To where I take down my pants like how do we maybe imprint like a put a butt cheek imprint on the back of the like like jesse signed it

you sign it with your butt print okay or your balls sure i mean but i mean both are both are visible when my pants are taken down why don't we send a printout of a picture of you with your pants dropped along with the... Next to the check. Yeah. Maybe your butt cheeks could be holding the check. Oh, great. Terrific. No, this is fantastic.

And your butt could be shaking hands with Jesse as you're holding the check up. Oh, great. Sure. Okay. This is great. And I mean, no promises, but if you have any requests,

if the winner has a request for the style of underwear, they would like me to be wearing. I don't think I have any more promotional underwear. Yeah. I think you don't have the walk hard underwear. I don't. I actually, I think maybe even part of our discussion on the podcast was me saying,

I shouldn't, I should throw these out. I shouldn't own these. These shouldn't even be an option for me. I definitely feel that way today, so I'm not surprised if I felt that three years ago. Sure. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Matt Belknap, the entrepreneur. I actually put up that auction in between segments. I want to make that clear. It happened. I did it while Matt sat here and I wasted his time. Wasted my time.

I kept him away from his wife and child. Unbelievable. I put that auction up. Just search for JJ Goh. My time was wasted his time. Wasted my time. Well, I kept him away from his wife and child. Unbelievable. I put that auction up. Just search for JJ Go. My time was wasted as well. No, you were doing charity. No, that's right. You were doing important charity work.

Well, Matt's a celebrity photographer. So the fact that he took the picture of the check next to Jordan's butt. Oh, that's got to count something. I have some bad news, though. Oh, no. The Los Angeles Regional Food Bank is not an acceptable charity to pay to ebay so we have chosen to go with the franklin township food bank in princeton new jersey okay because why not yeah i mean franklin new jersey is close to all our hearts yeah i mean we all summer there right

right yeah that'll feed the next john nash from a beautiful mind you know like the next crazy scientist at princeton who is like becomes homeless because he has schizophrenia and then he ends up at the food bank we're doing good work here i mean with the la regional food bank it'll probably just go to a crazy homeless guy yeah or some actor sure do researching a role god damn that guy princeton is the city where a parent uh got all up in my face for asking her son not to take a cell phone video of my friend breastfeeding oh so she said i need to talk to her first about that she wasn't there and her son was taking a video of my friend breastfeeding so princeton new, very close to my home. I guess is what I'm saying.

It's a special memory. You've made a huge mistake. I did some good thrifting in Princeton. Okay. So I'll say that. Anyway, I guess you guys are probably wondering why I'm in such a charitable state of mind. I was. Because you're usually such a miser. I think that when we go through a crisis, we always come out the other side more appreciative of the gifts that God has given us.

And that was certainly the case with me as I lived through the Los Angeles hurricane of 2011. Yeah. I didn't know it was a hurricane until you told me it was. There were gusts of over 100 miles per hour in South Pasadena. My power was out for 60 hours. Pets were frightened. My pets were fucking terrified. My pets could not have been more horrified.

But you know what? In a lot of ways, when your electricity is out for 60 hours and you have to go over to adam lissa gore's house to record an interview for the sound of young america and it's really awkward because why are you i mean it's weird enough when you're recording an interview for your public radio show at your house right why are you recording uh our interview for a public radio show at your friend's house especially a layer of awkwardness when they already went back to sleep because they sleep until like 1130. Come on. I'm just wondering, what did you jack off to?

Did you have like some saucy postcards? There was nothing to jack off to at all. Oh my gosh. For 60 hours? 60 hours. How did you survive? I know. You don't have to tell me. It was crazy.

I did get a few of those moments of sort of human connection that you get when we all realize we're in the same boat together. I went down to the Target to buy myself a telephone that didn't require it to be plugged into the wall because I did not have one. Oh, I don't have one of those either. That's a really good thing everyone should have. You should probably get one if your power goes out. Yeah. And I was there

and there weren't any on the shelf. So I asked the lady to go look for me. And while I was standing there, this guy comes up to me and he says, I'm imagining that you're here for the same reason I am. And I said, what's that? And he said,

I think that your telephone plugs into the wall and you no longer have a telephone that does not plug into the wall you need a new telephone and i was like yeah this guy didn't look into your eyes and then his eyes got swirly and then he hypnotized you well from this accent i think he might have gotten some fangs and announced himself as a Dracula. So anyway, this is what this guy says. He says, he said to me, he goes, he said, I said, well, the lady's going to look and see if they have any back there. And he says, listen, if they don't have any back here, if they don't have any back there, don't worry. Downstairs, there's a radio shack.

That's the place to go for a cheap phone. I agree with that. I did not know there was a radio shack in the mall. So did this guy maybe work at the radio shack and he was just going to like coax people away? Is that maybe, is this a viral marketing? He was like an undercover radio shack. Well, the shack. Sure.

It's the shack now. You know what? Now that I think about it, it was Howie Long. Sure. I don't know why he was doing that voice. And Terry Hatcher was hiding behind. It was Terry Hatcher sitting on Howie Long's shoulders, and they had one trench coat. Right.

This very tall gentleman with a high-pitched voice just told me to buy a phone from Radio Shack. It'd be funny if he was like, he's like, he's like, if they do not have one, don't worry. I can give you your first gay experience. What? I have to say that.

Did you go to Radio Shack then? I did. They had the phones. That is maybe the only thing that Radio Shack is good for in 2011. RC cars. Well, I'm saying things you would ever need. Like,

sure. If you want something. Well, let's saying things you would ever need. Sure. If you want something that's worthless. Well, let's just say all the regular-sized cars were broken. You have to get somewhere. You buy 40 RC cars. Right. You put them all on top. You put a big – take the door off its hinges of your house and put it on top of 40 RC cars.

Sure. Get 40 children who can all do something at the same time right we're all good at doing things at the same but like everything everything at radio shack is is overpriced or crappy but the but the corded phone that plugs into a phone jack without needing power is maybe the only thing that they can do best well because radio shack no longer offers the walls of electronic pieces that they used to sell. The bread and butter of the old time. Yeah.

They're like, at least we have this. At least we've got the ham radio enthusiasts. We know we suck, but we do have this one wire. Yeah, we have a core group of weirdos who have their own soldering equipment. Yeah. And they also had soldering equipment. That was a place you could probably their own soldering equipment. Yeah. And they also had soldering equipment. Yeah.

That was a place you could probably buy a soldering iron. Now they have none of that stuff. After they changed their name to The Shack, they started selling Ecstasy. Did you guys know that? Okay, so two things. They got the phones with the cord. They got Ecstasy. Well, they got T-Mobile prepaid phones, probably.

Like a T-Mobile prepaid phone, a Boost Mobile, maybe. You know what? I made a 7-Eleven brand phone. They just sell remaindered 7-Eleven phones at Radio Shack now. They are sub-7-Eleven. That's how bad they are. But I just realized I made a Radio Shack purchase recently. Motorola StarTAC.

Well, now you all know all my secrets. No, I... This leads to a different story, but I will just say that I bought one of those auxiliary cables, a 1-8 inch stereo mini jack cable to plug my phone into my car to listen to

music. But when you buy those at RadioShack, they cost like eight dollars and you just end up getting angry a rip-off exactly that's what i mean although they did have a nice color selection if you guys are interested yeah maybe something with hello kitty on it you're not just you're not just picking between beige and black at the radio shack all all cables are rip-offs now yeah what unless you go on monoprice.com right or on ebay you can get you can get on ebay you can get any cable for 99 cents shipped from china or 99 costs two cents shipping costs 97 cents you can get any cable in the world but it's shipped directly from a child laborer right in

china there's a child laborer putting up the ebay auctions yeah you really are basically um funding slavery and terrorism at the same time if you buy that auction also the cables aren't covered in rubber so you will electrocute yourself oh yeah you have to do your own cable coating they cut a few corners uh but did you guys completely avoid the consequences of this crazy assass windstorm in West Hollywood? Yeah, all that happened where I lived was a bunch of palm fronds were in my yard. Yeah, no, me too. And really, I mean, I made that remark about pets getting scared.

My pet didn't even get that scared. It got cold, so she got a little more snuggly. But, I mean, that's a good thing. That's a net positive. I benefited from this hurricane. We had like a party gazebo type thing in our backyard, you know, like a tent, like a nylon tent or whatever, like a tarp over a frame. The kind of thing you see, like people who have clipboards looking for signatures for a political cause in the park. Exactly.

Or like people who are selling cell phone accessories in the corner of a gas station. Right. Or stuffed tigers. Or a Lakers blanket. Or stuffed tigers at a spice market in Istanbul. You mean taxidermy tigers, correct? Oh, no, I mean a plush tiger. Either one.

Why would you buy that at a spice market in Istanbul? To scare off the real tigers That are roaming the streets of Istanbul If they think that this is another tiger's territory They'll back off They do I mean the nice thing about the plush tigers Is they do have built in tiger urine scent So they do

Well if you squeeze it Yeah They're realistic tiger's dick It's good for parking territory. I can't find the refills for that tiger, though. That tiger urine. They are hard to find. It's like a light bulb for an easy bake oven.

Yeah. It's annoying. You buy the tiger. You're like, so psyched to have it. Monoprice.com. The urine runs out after three squeezes. A couple weeks later. You got to go to monoprice.com.

Okay. That's where you get it. Otherwise, they're just going to, you know, they're really going to screw you if to go to monoprice.com okay that's where you get it otherwise they're just gonna they're just gonna you know they're really gonna screw you if you go to best buy or whatever oh man i won't even step foot in there for my tiger urine i know you're telling me so and you need and you explicitly need to get tiger's urine there's an off-brand called tiger pee pee oh come on that is not effective tiger pee pee is is just squeezed out of baby diapers it is not even yeah it will not keep away other tigers yeah and half of it is chimpanzee diapers you know like it's not even all yeah you don't know you don't know where this stuff is coming

from yeah just pay the pay the premium this gazebo in my backyard uh we just it's it's like over our car because we park our car up in the backyard the very back of the backyard there's a back road there and um i came upstairs i came up the stairs of my backyard um and found i have a multi-level backyard yeah you're you couldn't be doing a worse job of explaining the layout of your yard and household yeah it makes it sound like you live in an M.C. Escher painting. So anyway, I'm walking up the stairs of my yard. So where my car is parked, you know, because people park their cars in their yards.

Obviously. I'm using my right hand to draw my left hand. So I open the refrigerator to my garage. What? Get my baby out of the pool. my house is on a rather steep hill and so uh the backyard is kind of long and it's on this long hill it reaches all the way to the street that's behind my house yeah and uh there's a gate back there oh you don't have to tell me i perfectly understood it the patio and i i went up, and this gazebo was like, this is metal. This thing is made out of metal.

A twisted, like, nightmare pile of metal and torn tarpaulin. Like, as though a crazy person had come through with one of those jungle knives. Just hacked the crap out of it. Just hacked the shit out of it and like bent like lots of bent poles that i don't even know how they couldn't become bent are you 100 sure that you're not also hosting a backyard wrestling event i should you could because that sounds like suspiciously like what would happen if somebody yeah you think kind of like a lightweight metal thing you know like the hollow poles you use for backyard wrestling.

I'm going off the top rope into that thing if I'm... Well, but you guys have been having a Juggalo problem recently, haven't you? I think that tiger urine attracts Juggalos. Yeah, it keeps away tigers. Well, because honestly, the scent of Faygo and tiger urine is basically the same same deal same color yeah exactly yeah well i can i can understand that happening it was crazy though i mean i have never outside of the earthquake in 1989 in san francisco um i have never i don't think my power was out for that long even after the earthquake like it was really it was like

having a real natural disaster and that is what it was it wasn't like that it was that yeah isn't that odd like all the all the street lights were out for more than a day like for like two days that was weird yeah that's how that's the main thing that affected my life was that anywhere you drove you had a blinking red light i was really forced to contemplate the possibility that the fucking social order had broken down. Yeah. That, like, shit was happening for real. And yet, like, a few miles away,

everyone was just going about their business. Like, I wasn't aware of this area being so hard hit. I knew it was windy, but I didn't realize, like, houses were being blown down, basically. You know, actually, yeah, the only indication I had that anything was different for anybody else was a tweet from kumail nanjiani asking if i could go over to someone's house and watch them play skyrim but that he because he another one he's another person that his power was out for a day he might still be out because he was tweeting about that

too very annoyed i i here's the thing my cell phone does not work on this hill except that my neighbors have the one of those repeater things like a amplify booster or whatever and that makes it so my cell phone kind of works in our house but um but that was out so we were just sitting here in the dark like i don't even know what do people do I had to play Scrabble. Well, you know what, Laura? I've been reading these simplified versions of the Little House on the Prairie books for my daughter. So I'll tell you what Laura Ingalls would have done. Isn't your daughter like two and a half years old? She's three.

That's why I'm saying they're simplified. It takes out all the fucking. Yeah. Well, yeah, basically all the hardcore anal sex. I mean, that takes it from, what, 400 pages down to 70 or 80, right? They basically turned them into picture books of about 12 pages each, but there's a whole bunch of them. And it is based on one of the, like you get the story.

Well, they're from the entire. Where do they fall in the timeline, basically? That's what you're asking. It was just a single page would be like, then grandpappy died of consumption. No, to the contrary. Each book is basically just one anecdote from the thing. So like, but then they're just...

So it's scattershot. You're not getting the whole story. So this isn't an alternate universe. This isn't an alternate Little House on the Prairie-verse. It isn't, except for Mary has those goggles that LeVar Burton wore on The Next Generation. Okay.

Because when she goes blind, obviously in real life, she was just blind for the rest of her life. Sure. But in this book, she is given the power of sight due to science fiction.

Just out of pure curiosity, how good of a job do they do describing these people's backyards? They do... The books are 12 pages long nine page or just pages of description of it well luckily they're picture books so there's actually just an appendix the hand drawing the hand that's drawing the hand that's drawing the hand you just refer to the appendix b which is a schematic drawing of the backyard and then the appendix c is the driveway. So if you want to get the whole layout. And appendix D is the patent for that eye visor. Yeah.

A blind person visor. Right. So what she did, what the family Ingalls did in the 18, what the hell was that? 1870s, 80s. They would churn butter. That's one thing they would do. They'd get to churning. They would get to churning.

Pa would play his fiddle, and then the kids would... That was like the most exciting thing I think that could possibly happen. How did they not just put a gun in their mouth? Jesus. Well, they didn't have the guns, just for that very reason. The guns existed, but... Yeah, right, but they couldn't have them guns for that very reason. The guns existed. Yeah, right. But they couldn't have them around because of their horrible depression.

You wouldn't make it through one winter in Wisconsin with a gun in the house. But yeah. And then they would make little straw dolls that they would then, for Christmas, they would get a dress for the doll. That was like the big present. So I don't know why. How do you make a – i guess do you make the doll to specifications like how do you buy a dress for something you've made you don't buy the dress or the doll you make both of them oh okay so you make the doll out of straw and then someone else makes

you a dress and then you take the same you say you take the remainder uh corn cloth from your from the from your own dresses okay oh Because like Ma would make the dresses Oh and so you look like the doll Yeah they should just put guns in their mouth That's horrible But what's funny is now that actually exists in the form of the store That is the bane of my existence Called the American Girl store at the Grove

Which is my daughter's favorite place in the world Well here's my relationship With the American Girls My little sister was Sexual It's here's my relationship with the american girls okay um my my little sister was sexual it's very sexual it's primarily a sexual relationship i cannot go within 500 feet of that store we're casually dating but mostly we fuck right yeah it's it's it's you know it's i don't have to text her every day right it's sort of like have you read little house on the prairie it's like that it's like the unabridged version um my little sister was into american girls when she was growing up and and you know it was a a

girl from a point in history right and then the doll had all the appropriate period appropriate clothes and then the book that told the story of you know the prairie girl or the slave girl or what have you but now i guess history has been thrown out the window is it not about history anymore well they've run out of times in history right so now they're not going into the future they there's like one girl they should yeah right that would be the next logical from like an apocalypse right the blade runner american oh my god i would love a daryl hannah from blade runner american girl doll oh yeah maybe i'll just take some black spray paint sexually we should explain it right um but yeah they've they've now they've just gone

into like regions of america you know like there's the hawaiian oh every state is now getting their own what i mean who wouldn't love the pacific northwest like live out all yeah i could i please i need the montana doll yeah wide open spaces uh yeah i that's big sky country you're talking about yeah sure is don't disparage it it's beautiful sorry i know it's beautiful i've been to i've been to the bitter root valley of montana it's a beautiful place yeah yeah is the one from new mexico just dressed like a jonesing extra from breaking bad sure yeah it's that guy who got the refrigerator dropped on his head yeah it's his wife um yeah i i don't i actually don't even quote me on the the states i just that's my sense is that there's a new doll every year so like each

year gets it's like this is the 2011 doll and it's it seems like lately what i can glean from walking through there and trying not to lose my mind is that did you know this like hawaii was like the like 2009 or something are you sure it's not just the american ethnic series it could be could be but yeah the uh but yeah so those dolls um what was i saying so we i have to go there all the time and um all the time well every time we're how did you find out about this thing well my wife it's one of those things where you introduce something that you know your child will love and then you rue the day that you ever introduced it to them you know what i mean because she just goes in there and plays like we don't it's not even the good thing is like she's got some stuff

from there but it's not even that it's just that i have to sit there while she plays which is nice that they let them do that i actually i should shouldn't be so hard on them but is there like a dad area with like car magazines and if only yeah uh maybe i should set that up because they do have a lot of room there like it's um it's a pretty little room like for stag flex yeah it's like i watched some blue movies with the guys it's a um, it's a pretty little room like for stag flex. Yeah. It's like, I watched some blue movies with the guy. It's a two story operation by the way. I don't know if you've ever been there, but they've got two floors. I think it used to be FAO Schwartz maybe.

Uh, but it's now just dolls top to bottom. Just so all dolls, they have an elevator. Maybe I'll just, I'll renovate one of the elevators into like a cool speakeasy. Yeah. Inside the elevator. Yeah. it's fun right you're

right up and down 45 seconds at a time yeah and then like i'll just you know i'll basically i'll it'll be like locked off like you because there's two elevators one is for going up and down the other one you have to have a key so i'll make copies there's also a key copying place what about this there's just a There's just a hole. If you've got a dick, you can stick it in there. Yeah, just have a glory hole. It's just a dick. This isn't a glory hole. It's a dick detector.

Oh, I see. Okay. I thought you meant in place of everything. Instead of having this elevator. So you're saying dicks unlock the speakeasy. Yeah, yeah. What if a mom wants to see what's going on and just buys a hot dog? So you're saying dicks unlock the speakeasy Yeah, yeah Well, but then what about dildos? Yeah, what if a mom wants to see what's going on and just buys a hot dog?

This is for gentlemen Number one, this is a more sophisticated device than you're giving credit for So this device can detect actual human penis as opposed to Yeah, it's like one of those backscatter things There's a person in another room So they're not next to you They see your dick sounds like a glory hole to me this is just a glory hole right it's a 21st century glory hole

they fillet your penis you don't know whether it's a man or a woman by the way i was thinking recently about the glory hole and i think that is the funniest use that you could possibly invent for the word glory like it's named after the movie Glory. Oh, it is? Yeah. Denzel Washington. That was a deleted scene. Because you imagine that it's Denzel. Well, yeah. I mean, that's the one thing that's appealing to every man, gay or straight. If you got Denzel

to suck your dick. I would actually... My personality is such that I would actually feel bad if Denzel... For Denzel for having to stoop to their level? I'm so sorry that you have to do this. Yeah, you've got train movies to make. You've got train-based action films to make. We both know you're better than this.

This is not... Just like you putting up that eBay auction, Denzel Washington should not have to take his time sucking my dick. Even if he enjoys that activity in general, I still feel like I would be wasting his time. Well, I mean, the American Girl Corporation is paying him very well. Okay.

You should know that. I mean, Denzel's career isn't what it used to be after the taking of Pelham 1-2-3. Yeah, he's just hanging out with Tony Scott at this point. Yeah. Yeah, that's a working relationship. Tony Scott won't shut up about jump cuts. That sounds like an Onion headline. I'm sure he won't.

I bet Tony Scott's just really fun to hang out with. I bet that's why he keeps doing all those Tony Scott movies. I bet it's just a lot of fun on the set. Is Tony Scott black? No, he's Australian. Really? Yeah, he's Ridley Scott's brother. The Scott brothers.

Are they Australian? I thought they were British. I thought they were Australian. I could be wrong. I assume that Denzel did those movies because Tony Scott was black. No, uh-uh. Because he was just like, well, at least there's a black guy making movies. You're thinking of Tony Rock.

Oh, I am. That's Chris Rock's comedian brother. Now that I think about it, I'm thinking of Martin Luther King Jr. Oh, I am. That's Chris Rock's comedian brother. Now that I think about it, I'm thinking of Martin Luther King Jr. Oh. Yeah. He also made some great films.

Non-violent protester. Yeah. Martin Luther King Jr. So is this my future? Is my son going to find something as horrible as having me let him go to that?

What's the boy equivalent? I mean, maybe it'd be something like kind of crazy like a Pokemon or a Digimon. I think the boy... A Bakugan. I can answer your question. the boy equivalent? I mean, maybe it would be something like kind of crazy like a Pokemon or a Digimon. I think the boy – A Bakugan.

I can answer your question. The boy equivalent is the Thomas the Tank Engine Train thingamajig, whatever the hell that thing is called. Your son is going to get really into trains. Yeah. He's going to want every goddamn car that they make and the tracks that you set up and takes up an entire room of your house. And it's – that's almost worse, actually. You know, this is something interesting that I guess maybe I wonder about your future as a dad, Jesse. I think we've related on this program a few times the story of in college when you made a girl cry

because she said she liked Radiohead. Yes, I did. Now, you're not as full of pith and vinegar as you were before, but you definitely like— You mean piss and vinegar. We were corrected by a number of people the last time you said pith and vinegar. I'm going to keep saying pith and vinegar. I like it. Yeah, right?

I like it because— It's a style choice that I'm making. It's fun. You don't have to indent paragraphs. Right. You basically—it's a funny twist that can also be—anyone who hears you say it can assume that you just have a lisp and they can just take it that route. I now live in a world where if I make an offhanded remark about people who like community, America blames me for the cancellation slash hiatus of community. Wait a minute.

What happened? I don't mean about Community. I know what happened to Community. A few weeks ago, we were talking with a gentleman who's on the television program 30 Rock, Mr. Keith Powell. And I said that 30 Rock was the best show. And I said, sure, some people might say Community because they like to see things that they recognize. say community because they like to see things that they recognize and then i said a minute or two later community of course i like community because i do i like community but there was a deluge a deluge of comments about the time that jesse single-handedly tore apart community because

he hates it so much yeah you you can't that's one of those shows that you cannot ever say anything bad about because of the way the fans are. And that's not about the show. The show itself. It's a funny show. Maybe the style of the show invites that kind of fandom. But beyond that, you can't really blame the show for the way the fans are. I think it's the fact that it's a little bit struggling to. I think it's the show's fault.

They're protective of it. I do think it's the show's fault. I think they of it. I do think it's the show's fault. I think they chose to make that kind of show. I agree, actually. If you want to get into a serious discussion about it, I absolutely agree with you. And I also agree with you about 30 Rock. I prefer it comedically. Although, I mean, it's a tough call.

There have been episodes of Community that have been unbelievably hilarious. And then 30 Rock, you know, they've had some misses. Let's just talk about every episode. Let's start from the beginning. Let's start. All right. Okay, pilot to pilot. Pilot to pilot's episode. Pilot to pilot,

I give it to 30 Rock. So wait, so Jesse, I wonder if you, are you afraid that your son will get into something, whether it's some sort of dumb kid's music? And are you afraid

of making him cry? Like, I grew up in San Francisco, right? And I don't know, something about my family led me like i never really got into any of that stuff like pop culture things like things yeah like like dumb crappy stuff like i never had gi joes see you say that derogatorily, and I take offense because one man's garbage is another man's gold. I had some secondhand masters of the universe. I mean, part of it was because my family was really poor.

Well, that makes you gay. First of all, that makes you gay. Not just because they were secondhand, but mostly because He-Man was incredibly homoerotic. I had them, too. That was my favorite thing. Well, it made me hard, certainly, as a kid. And all your gay experiences have been He-Man themed. Yes.

It was with Dolph Lundgren. And I made him wear a helmet that had man-y faces. I had a couple of secondhand Masters of the Universe and a couple of secondhand Transformers. And I was delighted by them. But, you know, I had blocks and shit. And i think that's like a san francisco i just think it's a combination that's a san francisco treat i think it's a combination of the fact that i grew up sort of lower middle class so my parents really couldn't afford to buy me toys and it just wasn't like buying me new toys at toys r us R Us was not a priority.

It's a ridiculous waste of money. Yeah. So you only do that when you have money to waste. Yeah, exactly. No one does that when they're like, okay, I guess it's soup for dinner, but here's another dollhouse. But also, I mean, it's also worth considering that I went to probably relatively progressive schools where that was not the main thing that was going on. Yeah, you grew up in an environment, I've gathered, you grew up in an environment where you weren't like ostracized for your inability to relate to whatever the popular things. Heterosexual males.

No, like you weren't punished by your peers for not having G.I. Joe or not having whatever the thing was. Yeah, and I mean, I collected baseball cards, and I collected garbage pail kids before that. But, you know, that kind of thing was never my priority. I don't think my parents were ever really annoyed by something that I was into. Yeah.

So here's my prediction. You will try your damnedest to keep your son on that same path that you grew up on and he will infuriate you by being the most materialistic shallow dickhead of all time who just wants the newest best greatest everything insist on bathing in acts for kids lil acts yeah i mean he Yeah, I mean... Lil' Axe. He's just going to take... Lil' Axe for that lil' asshole in your life. The truth is, in this city, there's different neighborhoods and communities.

And you can give your child whatever experience you want to give him. It's not like you're going to be stuck. He's not going to be going to school with a bunch of Beverly Hills millionaires. But here's the thing. He is likely going to be going to school with a bunch of first-generation Mexican-American immigrant children. And so the volume of specifically Dora the Explorer, but also... There's a boy Dora too, right? Diego.

Okay. Yeah, it's her brother. Basically all... And like basically the first generation immigrant experience... So it's not, they're not lovers. It's not like a Buffy Angel thing. No. Okay.

That has not been revealed if it is or isn't. Okay. I think that they probably could not be more deeply immersed in that culture. Now, obviously it's not the consumption part end of it right but you know like their whole deal is they're trying to find a place in this american world you know and and that's one of the great things about i mean like to me like as a kid who grew up on a farm who wished i had had more access to pop culture because i didn't get cable

and all that other stuff. That, to me, is one of the great promises of America is that you can be a shallow, materialistic prick and just only care about whatever the TV tells you to care about. Did you wish that you had access to pop culture as a kid? Oh, yeah. I was obsessed with it. And my deprivation was the main thing. That was like the main driving force of my childhood. I mostly watched pbs as a kid exactly honestly like we didn't have cable like i didn't have my dad got cable when i was 12 yeah because he got an inheritance

my dad got an inheritance from an aunt who died he bought a um he bought a used Honda Accord wagon that they literally, my dad and my stepmother literally sold that car or junked it like a year or two ago. So they had that car for like 20 years. Nice. They're very reliable. My dad bought a television and he bought cable. And when he bought cable, he got that thing. He got the original cable TV music service. He's like, this way we don't have to buy CDs.

Oh, I remember that. Yeah, I guess that probably still exists if you go into the 800s on your cable box. Yeah, it's like island rhythms. But this required a special box. And that's what he spent his inheritance on. He's like, I'm buying a high-quality used car. Because at the time... But how does that work? Because that's what he spent his inheritance on. He's like, I'm buying a high quality used car. Because at the time... But how does that work?

Because that's a subscription. He was driving another car that he had also inherited. And that was a 1977 Chevy Nova that was metallic brown. Awesome. Yeah. And that was not a good car. I want to know, because like cable, you have to pay for it every month so you had to pay every month for the uh for the music service yeah there was like 80 channels or something so what

i'm asking is did he put aside like he's like part of this inheritance is going to ensure that forevermore we will have cable and music cable we didn't have a color television uh-huh that's how like this was 1992 and we did not have a color television we had a black and we had two black and white televisions yeah um one of which he had inherited from the same friend that he inherited the chevy nova from well what difference did it make if all you were watching was truffaut on pbs i used to I really like I like to watch Square One Yeah I used to watch A lot of Newton's Apple

Did you With Ira Flato 321 Contact Yeah sure I don't know what that That show has kind of Changed over time But like when I was a kid

That show was great Does 321 Contact Still exist I think it does actually The inertia In public television Now it's anime robots Though

Like Yeah Yeah it's actually just a robotic penis entering a robotic vagina for 30 minutes. Right. And then just at the end, it just says, MAH! Brought to you by the Bill and

Melinda Gates Foundation. Electricity! Exclamation mark. I think that I was... It seems like the modern child is into a lot of anime. Is that correct? I don't know. My daughter isn't old enough to be – like that will come maybe at some point.

But it does seem like you see it in places that you didn't used to see it. Yeah. Like I feel like when I was growing up, definitely like if you liked anime, you were like a pasty metal guy. You were a very committed nerd. Right, yeah, yeah. You weren't just a casual nerd. You were a nerd who found, who was on the lookout for things to make you more nerdy. Sure.

Yeah, you would have to go to a specific neighborhood, and then in that neighborhood, a specific store just to get whatever the thing was. Right, a Robotech video or something. Because that was, like, I mean, the internet wasn't really around,. Yeah. So like, or maybe the early version of it was. You were a nerd with your own shovel to dig your hole deeper. Sure. By the way, I heard some nerds on the playground the other day. And this scared the shit out of me because I realized this is what's happened. You know.

Were these child nerds or adult nerds? Yeah. Yeah. Well, here's what happens. Like, you go to the playground. They were adult nerds and they were talking about molesting children this is this is one of my big pet peeves as a father of a three-year-old uh you go you take your child to the playground and there's like you know jungle gym all sorts of stuff for them to play on and then for fucking

some reason then the 12 year olds just start ironically playing on the playground they're like haha and they're like jumping off of the top thing. Sure, and being loud. Stomping on everything. Yeah, and just being like, hey, shit, fuck, fucking shit, fuck. Yeah, sure. They're, like, quoting some fucking thing I've never heard of, but it's full of swears. Right.

And, like... It's probably Odd Future. When something is happening in youth culture and I don't understand it, I just think it's a reference to Odd Future. Okay, maybe you guys can actually tell me what this quote is from. Oh, yeah, sure. Because you're in the... You're a fucking nerd. No, I don't know.

No, you're younger, so you might even know, because I got the sense that this was some cool thing, either on the internet or maybe... We should explain that Matt's frame of cultural reference ends roughly with the Fresh Prince and maybe Back to the Future 2. Right. Yeah, 3, I couldn't.

I could not truck that Wild West milieu. So, yeah. So these guys are going, hey, I just hate-fucked your inbox with my... I just spam-fucked my hate mail with your inbox or something. What is that? Ooh, don't know. Okay.

Don't know. So anyway, they couldn't get the quote right either, but it was something with hate fucking an inbox. That's actually an alternate way to get into a speakeasy. Yeah. Okay. But here's what I realized, because these kids were nerds, straight up nerds.

But nowadays, nerds are... Here's what's happened. Chris Hardwick, he had a noble vision of nerds being... And others like him. Sure. Of nerds being – and others like him – of nerds being – Handsome. Handsome and confident and having the wherewithal to do productive things with their talents and their ingenuity and intelligence. But all that has really happened on the micro level, in the streets where Chris won't show his face anymore. Oh, yeah.

Is that fucking... This is like when Janet Jackson did that mini commercial and didn't actually shoot it in Brooklyn. Yes. It's fucking bullshit. Oh, sorry. Jennifer Lopez. Who did I say?

Janet Jackson? Yeah. I didn't know what you meant, but I was going to yes. Someone got mad at Jennifer Lopez recently. She shot a car commercial. Oh, that's a horrible commercial, too. It was driving through a Brooklyn-y looking neighborhood,

but it turned out not to be Brooklyn, and now people are mad. That's bullshit. How dare she? But yeah, I know what you... That's the worst thing she did since she stole that beat from the Beatnuts.

Am I right, guys? Am I right? High fives. So nerds, so fucking nerds like 12-year-old nerds who used to just sit you know quietly and work on whatever they were working on and and maybe get beat up sometimes which i'm not saying that's

a good thing but now they have confidence and they're cocky and arrogant so they're stomping around with their nerdiness and and i think it's probably hardwick's fault yeah they're wreaking havoc with with just impugned they theyn... There's no check and balance anymore. Here's what I think. I've thought about this topic some. I think the consensus now is that nerd doesn't mean what it used to because the most famous movie is Harry Potter. And every actress and every press junket says she loves Guitar Hero. That is the most famous movie.

That movie can't go anywhere without famous movie, by the way. It is the most famous movie. That movie can't go anywhere without getting hounded by the press. I know. It has to go up to the mountains just to get some me time. That movie can't stop getting its dick sucked. That's right. By other movies. By Denzel Washington.

By Denzel Washington. I think in actuality, being a nerd is probably really similar. I think that if you are a super introvert nerd, your life is not any better than it was in 1982. Well, there's always going to be a level that you're basically – you have Asperger's syndrome. Sure. So like that's – you're right about that. There's no question. Yeah.

And when I was a kid, that didn't – Like the guys who were buying soldering stuff from Circuit City or Radio Shack are now just doing something else. And I don't – and that's – and you know what? You're right about that and my heart goes out to people who are really introverted and have trouble socializing. My problem is with the people who are kind of bullies but but now, I mean, I guess it's, I don't really know what my problem is, except that now bullies are talking about, you know, hate fucking my spam box.

Well, but I think that's always been a kind of nerd, is the loud asshole nerd. I guess so. So I think that these divisions... But they used to be kept in check by the other type of bullies. Oh, yeah. And now I feel like...

Well, I think those same kids who were talking about hate fucking your spam box on the playground, I think if they were... Like, they're on a playground in front of a bunch of kids, so I think they felt like they were cocks of the walk. But I think if they were in a place with handsome athletic peers, they probably wouldn't have been acting like that. That anger is really a key element, I think, of genuine nerdiness. I mean, if we take, for example, our friend Chris Hardwick as the example, I think Chris is a little bit too handsome to be a nerd.

He loses. That is the knock on him, yes. I find it difficult to believe him when he's just saying different nerd stuff that he likes. Well, this is the weird thing, though. He really is. But here's the thing. If you talk to him, you know that he's. Well, this is the weird thing, though. He really is... But here's the thing. If you talk to him, you know that he's... Of course.

We've known Chris Hardwick. Chris Hardwick is absolutely a sincere guy. He is the person he represents himself as. He knows way too much about Dungeons & Dragons to be fronting like he a nerd. But the thing that I... If I ever had any doubt that Chris was not who he represented himself as, I think the easy way to tell is to get him a little bit angry about nerd stuff. Yeah.

And you see, when our friend Chris Hardwick gets angry, you see immediately the nerd come out. Yeah, because the voice goes up. Yeah, like he is ready to defend himself from getting beaten up at any fucking turn. Right. But that's because he grew up in the 70s and 80s when you, I think you had to. I just wonder if that is gone.

I don't know if it's good or bad. I just know that on the playground, I'm disturbed by it. Are you suggesting that we should beat up more nerds? Yes, that's exactly what I'm proposing. But bring back the old stuff. Wedgies. Swirl that's exactly what I'm proposing. But bring back the old stuff. Wedgies. Swirlies. Look, I'm saying we get a van, we round them up, we bring them to your backyard, and we wrestle them.

Right, we hit them with pipes. Take it from your gazebo. Can I ask you guys a sincere question? Matt, you grew up in, what, upstate New York? Yeah. And Jordan, you grew up in, what, upstate New York? Yeah. And Jordan, you grew up in Orange County, California. Did either of you guys ever get beat up after school? No.

Jordan, did you ever get beat up after school? Yeah, no. I was in one fight in fourth grade. Uh-huh. And yeah, I mean, I— You brought out a knife and people knew not to fuck with you. Exactly. Sure. It was the first day of fourth grade, and fourth grade is a lot like prison. Sure. You beat up a guy. You not to fuck with you. Exactly. Sure. It was the first day of fourth grade and fourth grade is a lot like prison.

Sure. You beat up a guy. You got to show your strength. Sure. Yeah. No. I mean, my, yeah, my, my, my existence was relatively bully free. Yeah.

Like I, I have, I never, ever had that problem. I mean, I grew up in a rough neighborhood and, you know, once every six months I would get, you know, jumped by a guy with a knife who wanted my wallet right um but it wasn't a matter of it wasn't a matter of someone beating me up for being a poindexter yeah that i i went to like i grew up in a very rural area and and went to private school because the public schools were not good where i lived so i i don't i think no one's your family's racist yeah uh i don't think anyone ever got beat up at the schools i went to you know it just didn't happen

it would have been it would have been shocking if anyone had ever gotten in a fight you know it would have been crazy because that is the thing instead we just we actually just uh tortured each other psychologically with insults and like it was a hundred times worse like actually in retrospect it would have been better to just get beat up once and have it be over with rather than like everyone calling everyone else a faggot every day for nine years like that is so much more damaging but uh yeah i don't know but yeah so i did the only time i ever um was a victim of physical violence was i got jumped at a at an amusement park in springfield massachusetts oh um and that was shot that was weird it was weird well amusement parks are fucking full of shady ass fucking yeah this was like a this was not a like a friendly it is it

has since been turned into a six flags but back then it was an independently owned amusement park which of course means it's you know run by carnies and freaks. It's really sketchy. But I mean amusement parks are fucking genuinely sketchy as shit. Yeah. It attracts the lower elements of society. You fucking take your ass to Vallejo and you're dealing with people whose claim to fame is that they're second cousins with E40. Yeah.

And down here the – Knott's Berry farm well that's very farm that's probably is that where you went growing up uh yeah yeah yeah that was it's kind of but what about in in magic mountain in um wherever that is valencia valencia that is now become you know all you hear about is the gang violence in the parking lot at magic which is like to me it's like okay at, at least some element – although that sounds a little extreme. But I'm glad that the tradition of violence at amusement parks is being kept alive. I guess about the gang members, do they have season passes? I would hope so. Is that how that works?

They get – they go – They're not dropping 50 bucks per gang fight, right? No, what they do is they go in early December, they buy a ticket, and one ticket gets them the whole next year for free. Gotcha, it's one of those promotions. It's the Power 106 promotion. Well, they drink a lot of Sprite, and they bring in the cans to get $6 off. Yeah, and then they go watch somebody, you know, lip sync to Miley Cyrus. It's mainly what's happening there, right? God.

You know what Jonathan Colton told me? I was talking to him about being worried that I was going to raise my kid in Los Angeles and I was going to have an Angelino for a kid. And it was going to be like being a first-generation immigrant. Your kid wants to go to the mall and you're like, why do you want to go to the mall? Don't you want to stay? Don't you want to till the soil? Don't you want to stay here and make masa for the tortillas?

Yeah. And he just told me, yeah, they're pretty much just going to do what they're going to do, Jesse. That is the truth. And also, I mean, I don't know what your exact fear is, because this area is probably one of the top. Well, then you're fine, because either the area that you live in is basically, I think, you know, is analogous to San Francisco in terms of it's. Yeah. OK, I'm sorry. It's not as cool. It's not as great as your fair city, but basically the vibe of Mount Washington and Los Feliz, it's not

the stereotypical LA that my cousins think where they're like, oh, so you buy all your clothes on Rodeo Drive, huh? It's like, no. I don't spend a lot of time in any stereotypical Los Angeles-y places, but yesterday, one of my favorite thrift stores, they've gone to this I don't spend a lot of time in any stereotypical Los Angeles-y places. Yeah.

But yesterday, one of my favorite thrift stores, they've gone to this merchandise system where they put all new merchandise like once every two or three months. And so they have a big sale the day that they put out the new merchandise. And you go and you stand in line. You take a number. This is sounding more and more pathetic the deeper I get into it. But anyway, I was number 122. So I went. I picked up my number and then I went to wait for the store to open. It was like an hour before the store was going to open. And I sat down, this is in, uh, this is in like, this is in like West Los Angeles, sat down in this coffee bean and tea leaf. And, um, I was, I was alone at a table and, uh, just this, there was one parking spot open right out front and just so like to a comical extent, a luxury sport utility vehicle would pull into the spot.

A lady wearing leggings and sort of fur boots with pom poms would come in. And what was amazing to me about them was how loud they yelled. Like every single one of them had this tone of voice like, Hey, Luis! Like every single one of the people, it was as though they had never been somewhere where they felt they didn't belong. Yeah.

Or like as though they had never, at no point in their life... They hadn't wanted total attention drawn on them. Yeah. Like maybe now's not the time to have total attention. Yeah. Yeah, like that had never come up for them. Sure.

Like there'd just never been an issue that there was any time when they wouldn't be it. The most important thing in the vicinity. Yeah. And it was a real... I felt like i got a real cultural education as seven of those women it came in consecutively right well the other thing i will say though to to ease your your fear is that i do you have to at the end of the day as a parent you

have to trust yourself you have to trust your you know your family uh and and you meaning you and your wife um to instill the values that you care about in your child. They will deviate from that at some stage of adolescence or whatever it is, but they usually will come back around, just like you probably came back around to your parents' way of living and believing. Ultimately, I think what's really important is that my wife and I are going to raise Simon as a shaker. And by the time he's 20 or 25, I think he'll be making beautiful, simple furniture. That sounds great.

Did you know that I grew up, like, that's where I grew up is the Hancock Shaker Village in Western Massachusetts was like basically my backyard. That shaker's no fucking, right? That is true, yes. They did not procreate. Hard to maintain a religion when you are not allowed to procreate.

Yeah, they really did a great job considering how well they did. I guess they just preyed on orphanages or I don't know how they did it. Yeah, I don't know.

It's such a hard sell. I mean, what's the appeal? They let anybody join. Well well the appeal is primarily furniture i don't know i don't know if you've seen their furniture their furniture is fucking amazing it's the best it's awesome it's stunning yeah and also circular stone barns i don't know if you've ever seen those oh really really beautiful sounds really nice yeah but the first school i ever went to was um was at a shaker farm that had been converted into a school and it was like a bunch of hippies uh running this dumb here's the thing like as dumb as hippie shit is yeah i'm like i'm like scheming on how to get my kid into some hippie bullshit well you are living in the right neighborhood

if his worst if his worst thing is that he he comes home with a solstice card for me, I would just be delighted with that. No, there is a school near here that we looked at for Zoe, a preschool, and it's like they have farm animals. It's one of those schools where there's like a goat at the school. The goat teaches the class? I'm sorry, did you say there's a school with a goat? I'm pretty sure there's a goat. What's it called? Los Angeles Goat Academy? Principal Billy?

Yeah, it's awesome. Tin cans and such. They actually have like a fair. They had a fair that was open. It's snack time, everybody. Tin cans for all. Tin cans. Yeah, it's snack time everybody tin cans for all yeah it's it's it's really cool take you know what i'll let you know next time because they do periodically have like a fair that everyone the

public is welcome and we went last time and it was awesome so what what what what what made you choose not to bring her there it's just the location you cannot get along with the goat she had the goat was pretty racist shit it was weird like she's more of a sheep person and he's you know so it was a little awkward no it was it was just location wise not the most convenient but um but it was like my wife was seriously like bummed she was like oh i want to go there you know what they say are the three most important words when you're choosing a preschool. Goats, goats, goats.

Location, location, goats. We'll be back. Location of goats. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

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Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

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Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you want to make some pixel art. I want to.

Yeah, well, makepixelart.com It's as easy as that. Cool. What are you going to draw? I don't know. Maybe a goat. We have been talking about those. I'd like to see more goat art. Just goat-driven and focused art. Well, your son has a goat

painting or poster, really, in his room. Billy Whiskers. And it's very awesome. So I think he's destined to go to the goat school. Yeah. I know you're not much of a bar goer, but there's a bar by my house called The Surly Goat that has exclusively goat-themed art on the walls. Oh, that sounds fun.

From the owners of the Snuggly Duckling. Yeah. That's a Rapunzel reference. It's tangled. The other thing my daughter won't stop that's the one thing that matt can reference we should explain that's the one thing since back to the future that matt does know about tangled um so makepixelart.com that's covered thank you very much to makepixelart.com uh you should go there to make some pixel art. Hey, how about this? Here is a happy birthday message to Morgan from Anne.

Anne says, Happy birthday. I did not truly know what it meant to be in the Boner Society until I met you. No. Ad astra, my sweet.

Come on. With all due respect, how the fuck is that your business? Can't they just communicate directly? Well, it's a part of our, it's part of how we make money, Matt. Yeah, this is how we make a living.

Oh, I didn't realize that was paid. I thought you were just, out of the kindness of your heart, you were passing on messages. God no, God no. No, we don't care about our fans, if that's what you think. We wouldn't do something out of niceness.

I just didn't, this is a new wrinkle to me. I didn't realize that's pretty cool i because because my just i apologize my initial reaction was those people can make a phone call or email each other they don't need to do this or they can go fuck themselves yeah these people we should also explain that upwards of 40 of our audience communicate exclusively via podcast it's sort of like it's the carrier pigeon of the 21st century oh sure they're mostly spies and their messages are mostly coded it's sort of like a yankee hotel foxtrot type thing

i i've often wondered that kind of it's a wind talker situation yeah because like didn't i always wonder that because i run a message board and i always feel like anytime you see a mess anything that's a weird nonsense a little bit of a weird message on a message board you're like this is probably a spy communicating with another spy. Well, you know what you got to do. You got to punch it into ENIAC. Oh, what's that? It's the world's first supercomputer.

Oh, okay. Is that from Carmen Sandiego? Yeah, sure. Why not? Again, if it's not from Back to the Future 2. If you want to sponsor Jordan Jesse, go email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. If you want to get on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go.

Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Matt Belknap, the barber. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Matt Belknap, The Barber. Jordan, I can't help but notice that right there next to you, you appear to have a gorgeous box.

It's true, I do. It looks like we've gotten something in the mail. There's a little card for... Should I open the card first? Yeah, open the card first. You should always open the card first. Can I have a little card opening music? I almost don't want to finish opening the card because I like this tune so much. Hi, Jordan and Jesse.

I'm not skimming this beforehand, so this could be filthy. Yeah. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. We love the show. Or purely promotional. Something to show our appreciation. I like to make jams and pickles, so I made Jesse some Satsuma marmalade and cauliflower pickles. Oh, holy shit. For Jordan, we sent a t-shirt from the arcade that Art, my boyfriend, runs, and some Nintendo

slash Mario Brothers related toys, as well as a toy for his cat. But there are also beverage koozies from the arcade, Ground Control, for both of you and Teresa. Happy holidays and much love. Sashi and Art from Portland, Oregon. Thank you so much, Sashi and Art. I make it a point to visit Ground Control every time I'm in Portland.

It's a great spot. I believe that's spelled with a K. It is. Oh, here's a picture of them and their cat. They're a handsome pair. Trio, if you count the cat. Let me take a look. Yeah, there you go.

Take that for a spin, huh? Hello. Look out. Yeah. I wouldn't mind fucking that guy. I see it's a reversal. Everything in here, everything is in here that they said is in there. I know me taking it out for the benefit of the listener does nothing.

That cat looks just like the cat I had growing up. Oh, lovely. Yeah, it's a lovely cat. Do you think it's possible they stole your cat? Fuzzy did go missing mysteriously about 12 years ago. There you go. Fuzzy went to live on a farm where she'd be happier. Did I mention that Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear?

You didn't. Shall we go to the phones? I should also just point out, she makes her own pickles and jam. He runs a grown-up arcade. This is the king and queen of Portland. I feel like this is a good opportunity to mention. If they also are part of a bike co-op, maybe that'll be the, that's the nail in the coffin.

I think you can assume they are. Yeah. Let's just go ahead and assume that. Satsuma season is upon us. Yeah. And I bought, I brought about 20 or 25 pounds of Satsumas to the podcast-a-thon to share with people. They thought they could also apparently keep my reusable grocery bag, which I thought was

a load of bullshit. They learned better. Yeah. Somebody put some Satsuma peel in one of the bags. Give me a break. That's disgusting. Foul. Low class.

I mean, I know they're easy to peel. I thought our fans were better than that. That's really disappointing to me. Matt, did you know about Satsumas going into this thing? No, I did not. These things are tremendous, right? That is unbelievable. Now all I want are Satsumas because two things,

I hate seeds and I hate difficult-to-peel citrus. Yes, yes! And you love flavor. I do, obviously. These things are fucking flavor-packed. Oh, my God. They're so good.

I've been living in Clementine Town for too long. Oh, no. Welcome in. Come in. You've been in a ghetto, my friend. You've been in a fruit ghetto. No kidding.

Come in, sir. It's warm inside. Why don't they have Satsumas at Trader Joe's, which is my You've been in a ghetto, my friend. You've been in a fruit ghetto. No kidding. Come in, sir. It's warm inside. Why don't they have Satsumas at Trader Joe's, which is my local market? Sometimes they do, but they often don't. I don't want to have to go. Maybe one of the Russian places in our neighborhood. I'll tell you. You know, that Whole Foods.

Oh, they do have it? Yeah, in the Russian area. They got them at El Superior. That's not convenient to me. And that Whole Foods, it's pricey, but I guess I'll do it if I have to. I just feel bad when we do this. They only grow Satsumas in California and Louisiana. And so if you're in the Northeast, if you're in the Northern Midwest, you might have a hard time getting Satsumas.

But I'll tell you, it's fucking worth it. Here's the thing. We're looking to move, my wife and I. You're thinking about moving to Louisiana? I'm thinking about moving to Satsumatown. In the crawdads? move my wife and i and you're thinking about moving to louisiana i'm thinking about moving to satsuma town in the crowd ads no i'm gonna put on the top of my list of priorities ahead of number of bedrooms ahead of air conditioning whatever else satsuma tree in backyard that is the most important thing oh man that would really be something if you get satsumas in your backyard

you probably have to have a couple so they could cross pollinate right i don't know i don't know. I don't know how those things work, but I'm going to make it my life's mission to figure it out. I almost said you're not an animal behaviorist. I think that's a dog trainer. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's a dog trainer. Okay, let's go to the telephone calls, and here's some momentous occasions. We ask, of course, that when something momentous happens to you, give us a call at 206-984-4FUN. Let's go to the tape.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and fabulous guest. I have a momentous occasion. I just received a text from one of my husband's female coworkers. He wanted her to text him, and he gave her my phone number by mistake. So the good news is I now know that my husband is way too dumb to ever cheat on me. So I'm pretty happy, and I thought you guys would like that. Love the show. Bye.

I just assumed that was going to go to a darker place. Yeah, me too. I was disappointed. Yeah, that's a cold one. Yeah, I guess we've never got like a super morose or crushing momentous occasion. I think we've gotten a couple. Yeah? I think you might have blocked them out in your mind. Could be.

Could be. That's how you stay so happy. You just remove any negative thoughts from your brain as soon as they come in, they go out. On an unrelated note The movie The Descendants is ten minutes long I'm calling for straight talk for teens Because I'm really stressed out about calling Sorry

I'm saving that straight talk for teens I accidentally played the wrong call And I played it when Jordan was trying to make a joke I apologize for all of the above And it was a terrible cell phone connection. For all those reasons. Hello, this is Dylan in San Francisco. And I'm calling you with a momentous occasion.

I've been towed. I just got towed my car twice in two weeks. So I'm down like $1,000. But hey, I'm just at a bar, and I found a $5 bill under a table. So, you know, I'm just chipping away at that $1,000 without even trying. So, thank you very much. Go, Jordan, just to go. It seems like the secret to success in life is drinking.

I mean, he never would have found that $5. I mean, maybe he would have been at the bar for some other reason. Was he calling from the bar? Because it sounded like he was calling from a boxcar. Well, this is San Francisco. There's a lot of different theme bars. What the hell was going on back there this is this is this is an orphan family themed bar based around the boxcar children that's i would love that would be a great shot you solve a mystery be a great theme bar as you get on you get you

walk into the bar and then it leaves the station where am i going oh my god God. Now I have to travel to Alaska. Sure. Hey, Jordan, Jesse and guests. This is Jason from Burbank calling. I am for the first time drunk before a flight. I'm heading home. Wow. I'm heading to St. Louis for Thanksgiving. And there's a gentleman nearby me who's wearing a shirt with a scooter on the front and on the back it says whoever said money can't buy happiness never bought a scooter and i don't know if that's true but the shirt makes me happy so yeah thanks guys love the show bye he sounded happy he sounded fucking over the moon moon. Did he mean first time drunk ever or first time drunk before a flight? I think first time drunk ever.

Yeah, I should hope that's not the first time you get drunk before a flight in an airport bar. That's going to sour you on alcohol for life. That's a weird time to get drunk for the first time. Not if you see a t-shirt like that one. On the other hand... I don't know. I didn't love that. I mean, it sounds fine sounds fine man you don't drink right no i don't drink i don't drink either and uh uh not that long ago you guys gonna find five bucks not that long ago

i was a at a social occasion uh with uh radio celebrity ira. And he casually revealed in conversation, as he was enjoying a scotch or something like that, that he didn't drink until he was 30. And now I feel like it's incumbent upon me to start drinking now that I'm 30. Well, you know what's weird? Because you model your life after Ira Glass? I don't know.

Why was that more significant? Well, I never had a significant date in my life to start drinking. And so now it seems like since he started in this really weird time in his life, and I happen to be that age now... Yeah, that's baffling to go that long and then start. But I do... I will say, Jesse, your personality... And he is a violent drunk, I should say.

Right. So maybe that's a vote against. But you seem like the kind of guy who would be kind of like a wine nerd and have a really expensive single malt scotch in your cabinet. I could see you, the way you nerd out about clothes and stuff, I could see you being that way about alcohol. I think I might enjoy drinking a cocktail. Yeah. That's what I would imagine myself drinking. More than a single malt scotch or a fine wine. I can imagine myself drinking like an old-fashioned.

Okay. Yeah, I mean, it all goes to the sort of Max Fun lifestyle. Like, that's a big part of the Max Fun Con. And the fact that you don't imbibe is... Which, by the way, thank you, everyone. Sold out in five days. Congratulations. Thank you very much.

I'm not going to say too much about this, but if you were disappointed and you couldn't get tickets, well, there is the wait list. But if you happen to be free in the fall and you live somewhere within driving distance of the Poconos... What? That's all I have to say about that. That's all I have to say about that. That's all I have to say about that. That's the end of that conversation.

I'm shutting it down. All right. Oh, on the topic of late in life drinking, my good buddy Laurel, her boyfriend, Jake. Oh, and here's something I'm having a problem with. When I'm referring to the significant others of friends, but I also consider them my friends. I don't know why I feel obligated to add my friend's boyfriend or my friend's wife. I should just call them all my friends. Yeah, yeah. You fucked all of them.

I know, right? We don't need to know the genealogy of how you came to know them. It does nothing to the story. It does nothing to the story. He was in his early 30s, and had his first drink and he's a sound mixer on movies and he had his first drink because Michael Bay offered to buy him a $20 scotch.

So he's like, well, fuck. I mean, I should probably do this. Now he has turned into kind of like a fine scotch nerd. He was a minor threat listening to hardcore guy and that's why he didn't trade. Straight edge.

Anyway. Yeah. Now he seems to be having a nice time. I'm pretty sure Matt and I are just dorks. Yeah. I mean, I just think it would be too complicated at this point in my life to start drinking. It's like, I don't need to fucking learn. First of all, you have to learn how.

Yeah. You won't like it the first couple times. You have to train. Yeah. And it seems like the ship has sailed on that. And then also just, I am who I am. I don't need, you know, I have enough problems.

You do have a lot of problems. You have the American Girl place. Yeah, exactly. That place would be a little more fun drunk probably though, huh? Jordan, Jesse, possible guest. What the fuck is this person calling from the Fortress of Solitude? I am calling in with a momentous occasion.

I am a student of the 20th. I am a robot that lives inside a spacecraft. Another robot. Six years old, living in Chicago. About two weeks ago, I was stressing over whether or not and how I would break up with my girlfriend of two years. I finally pulled the trigger. It went off without a hitch and cut to two weeks later. I think I'm going to get away with it. sitting in the hot tub of a hot to trot 40 year old divorcee

who is cooking me dinner currently I thought of you guys because I was sitting here soaking listening to Jordan Jesse go and yeah I just thought I'd thank you guys for years of wonderful

is David Lynch directing our calls now like what is it? This is the craziest shit. I don't know. I don't feel like momentous occasion. There's a fine line between momentous occasion and brag, but I felt like that was brag.

That phone call made me hate you guys. That's disgusting. First of all, you're bra that like the situation alone is gross but now second of all realize that woman is matt's ex-wife but think about the fact that that guy is hot to trot that's her name she's a it's true she's a character in leisure suit larry isn't she but that guy was on a cell phone in a hot tub in a woman's apartment. I don't know. And I like our show, but don't listen to it before you bang somebody.

Jesus. What's he listening to? Smooth jazz. Put on some Dave Kotz. That guy is taking the boner society too literally. Yeah. Is he listening in his earbuds on a phone or does he put it on the stair? Are they both listening?

Did he actually use the phrase hot to trot? Like, is that a thing that happened in real life? I have a recording of it and yet I don't believe it. I need to hear that part again. Can you play that part again? I can. Well,

no, I can't. I'm not going to search through the whole thing. It was all, probably all a dream. Are we, are we sure he was, was,

he might've been talking about the movie hot to trot. That's the only thing I wanted to change. I'm about to watch the movie hot to Trot starring Bobcat Goldthwait. Do you think that was Bob Goldthwait calling in? That guy's a hell of a guy. That's the only thing that could make that phone call more repulsive is if they were going to be watching Hot to Trot. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessico.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you

Jordan Jessigo, Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart Jordan Morris, Boy Detective Matt Belknap, un-nicknamed I hope that people will take this opportunity to visit aspecialthing.com, visit podcast.com, and spend a little time with Matt Belknap on the internet. I'd love it. It's great. It's a great way to get to know Matt Belknap.

Why not? That's where I got to know Matt Belknap. And then one day I emailed him and asked him if I could call him on the phone because I was in L.A. and I was wondering if there was any good comedy shows to go see. And he was really nice about it. I didn't know that. I forgot about that. Yeah. It's a true story. Yeah. I was in college at. Oh. And he was really nice about it. I didn't know that. I forgot about that. Yeah, it's a true story.

Yeah. I was in college at the time. And a hilarious one. And not all stories have to be funny. Sometimes they're just... No, they do. That one was touching.

Yeah, no, it was poignant. This charity auction is already up to $10.50. That's why you post it during the show because people listen in. Sure. How are they hearing this?

Well, presumably they got microphones in our house, sir. Oh, my gosh. I presume they're in the KGB. Most of our listenership are spies, you may remember. Yeah. Oh, and they keep posting on my message board, too.

Search for JJ Go on eBay and bid on this thing. It's one of the only ways you can give money to the Franklin Township Food Bank in Princeton, New Jersey. The other way is to go to the Franklin Township Food Bank. Hey, speaking of charity, me and Jordan are going to be hosting a show at Cal State University Long Beach in Long Beach, California on Friday night. The city they call Long Beach? Yeah.

It also features Jordan, Jesse Goh favorites Dominic Durkis and DC Pearson, two of our great pals from Derek Comedy. It's called Comedy for the Cure. It's like $5 or $10. I don't remember. It's all for Robert Smith. All the money goes to Robert Smith. Yeah, it's $5 if you go to CSULB, $10 if you don't.

All the money goes to curing cancer. My great former intern is putting this thing on. He's going to be doing a charity triathlon or something. He's raising money for cancer, everything. I don't know. You said that with such conviction. It'll be a really fun show.

There's a lot of really funny comics on the show. When is that show again? That is going to be Friday night. Friday night, December 9th. Friday, I'm in love. So you're busy. Anyway,

you can find the information at MaximumFun.org. Just click on Comedy for the Cure under Live Shows. Jordan's having way too much fun over there. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org. If you want to get on the Jumb JJGo at MaximumFun.org.

If you want to get on the Jumbotron, MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. You want to sponsor a show, Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We will see you on the forum at Forum.MaximumFun.org. And we will see you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go.

Enjoy a promo for one of our MaximumFun.org programs. Jesse, go. Enjoy a promo for one of our MaximumFun.org programs. Hi, I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. We're three brothers.

It's not a coincidence. We have a show. It's called My Brother, My Brother and Me. It's an advice show for the modern era. Sometimes we also take questions from the Yahoo answer service. Hey, guys, how many push-ups does it take to look like a werewolf? That's a fine question, Griffin. We'll answer that one and so much more including questions from readers about

love and navigating the waters of society. Subscribe on iTunes or get it online at MaximumFun.org We're brothers. We're experts. And we're sorry.