Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 203: Bone Manor with Maria Thayer

Episode Date: December 12, 2011

Maria Thayer of 'Eagleheart' and 'Strangers with Candy' joins Jordan and Jesse in the Bone Manor to play the role of "mistress." They also talk about feelings.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan. Jesse. Go!

Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go. We're joined by Maria Thayer and we engage in what might be the longest segment in Jordan, Jesse, go history. It has a lot of feelings. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

A cool, beautiful evening At the mountain Jesse Yes Sorry Can I hijack the intro Well it seems like You already have I usually do the intro

Technically I'm the host No I know People are dying to know What the weather is like In Los Angeles It's a big reason People tune in I hear a lot of people

I don't know what I'm calling The headquarters this week Yeah But I got... I saw some internet chatter that people wished we did more kind of written original comedy on the show. Yeah. Have you seen these comments?

Yeah, no. Some people miss when we used to do, like, sketches and stuff on The Old Sound of Young America when we were in college. Well, I actually have... I wrote... I took that criticism or that suggestion to heart. Yeah. on the old sound of young America when we were in college. Well, I actually have... I wrote... I took that criticism or that suggestion to heart, and I wrote a little comedy sketch to start the show off today.

Really? Just like when we used to be in the popular sketch comedy group, Prank the Dean, touring the nation. Exactly. So this is a comedy sketch. This is a comedy sketch concerning the rapper Wale. Sure, yeah. W-A-L-E.

Washington, D.C. rapper um this is him being interviewed okay and i will be playing wale right and you will be playing the interviewer so i have my lines memorized so i'll just hand that to you and uh okay i've not seen this script so just yeah imagine um just set the scene just imagine it's kind of a you know it's kind of a classy interview show we're just trying to remember that acting is about choices. Sure. So, Wale, where did you go to college? I graduated from Yale.

You mean Yale? Is that how it's pronounced? That's the comedy sketch. That was a really amazing sketch. Thank you so much for sharing that, Jordan. No problem. That is a really beautiful sketch. Thanks.

I mean, I want to entertain, but I also want to provoke thought. Yeah, absolutely. And to a certain extent, provoke racial animus. Exactly. I've tried to start a race war. Yeah. So I think you've really succeeded on all counts. I laughed, I thought, and now I want to start a race war.

There you go. My job is done. I'm a modern-day Mark Twain. Anyway, beautiful evening here at the Mountain Chalet, Max Fund World Headquarters. And speaking of beautiful, we have a beautiful guest on the program this week. You know her from the hit television show Strangers with Candy. You know her from the hit film Forgetting Sarah Marshall. You know her from the hit television program starring Mr. Chris Elliott that's known as Brave Strong. Eagle Heart.

Eagle Heart. Strength animal. Please welcome to the show Maria Thayer. It is delightful to have you here. Thank you. It's lovely to be here. I don't want to creep out at the top of the show. Please. Let's get the creeping out. I'm going to risk creeping out at the top of the show. Yeah, let's get it all over with.

You always want to start the show with something not creepy at all, like race war humor. Just something that everyone can relate to you know like to throw in a few rojoa gags just like how just like how bill maher always opens up with a funny observation about you know shopping and then he gets into the political stuff or like if you go see the andrew dice Clay, David Duke comedy tour, you know, the original races of comedy. Yeah. Okay.

Sorry, Jordan. Go ahead. It was really nice to get to meet you under these circumstances because I have, we've been in the same restaurant a few times and I am a pretty giant fan. Strangers with Candy is one of my favorite TV shows of all time. I think Eagle Heart's a terrific show. And I wanted to say something and then never did. And I was wondering if

we went back, you know, a year to when this happened, how would you have felt if I would have said something? If I just would have come up to the table and said, hey, big fan. Is that annoying? Do you remember the circumstances? What restaurant?

Was I with someone? Yes. My dick was out. I was just doing some Sunday night flashing. Yeah. You know, I like to hang the brain on a Sunday night. Like, you know how Jordan's wearing... Before I watch 60 Minutes.

You know how he's wearing a plaid shirt and blue jeans right now? Yes, you're not lying. Imagine if he was wearing like a trench coat and shoes. Just a trench coat and shoes. Socks? Yeah, sure. White socks. White socks with garters.

In that case, very classy. Yes, thank you. You're a gentleman. Yeah. I think, especially Stranger with the Candy, I always am happy. Maybe I regret saying this. Yeah. Yeah.

But I, I'm, I always happy when people come up because, you know, you, you called it a hit show, Jesse, but in reality, 14 people watch that. It was, it was a hit show in the people who like weird gay stuff demographic. Yes. Yes. Which I think, to be fair, you can count both Jordan and myself in. Yes. We love it.

Happy to be in your company. And me too. I love that show, which I always find, like, maybe that's weird to say that I love a show that I'm on. But I certainly say I don't love a lot of shows that I'm on. Right. I hate this show. So I mean, I feel, yeah.

Like I feel. I mean, you ate Eagle Heart, right? No, I love Eagle Heart. You ate Chris Elliott. Chris Elliott's a real fuckhole. No. Fuck that guy. No.

No, that is also a show that I love. But so I like it when people come up about Stranger with Candy because I feel like there's very few of them and I feel like a fan. Actually, a lot of times, like maybe half the time that people come up to me, I feel it's a combination of like wanting to connect with them because they already feel like they know me. So I want to get to know them. And also just feeling uncomfortable with maybe a compliment or something that I start asking them questions like, what's your name? You know, then it just like gets into like, why is your dick out? In that case, I'd probably lead with that. Sure. In your case.

And then we can get into like my favorite novels and where I grew up. Exactly. Well, there is, I mean, when you talk to someone, and I had this happen, actually. Jordan and I just did a show the other night at Cal State Long Beach. And as I was leaving the bathroom, this guy said, you're Jesse Thorne. And I said, yes, I am. And he couldn't have been more pleasant about it. But there is something really awkward about an interaction where someone knows your name and you don't know their name.

Oh, yeah. I want to level that playing field. And traditionally, if you want to know someone else's name, you would say what your name is. But if they've already announced that they know what your name is, it would be weird for me to say, I'm Jesse. Yes. You know, it would be strange. But I would like to know what their name is. But why don't you ask them what their name is?

Because that's weird. What's your name is a weird question to ask someone that you're already like four sentences. I don't think it is. I think it's good. I think it's like, yeah, I think it's fine. I feel like I'm like a baseball player signing an autograph for an eight-year-old if I ask somebody what their name is in those words. What's your name?

You know what I mean? When you put it that way. Like kind of like at the fence, you know? Yeah, yeah. Leaning against a fence. Yeah. In my experience, I think that people tend to start backing away after I start asking them questions. So it must be actually weird.

I don't think it's weird, but they think it's weird. Yeah. I think it's a situation of it's already nerve-wracking to do that. And I don't know – and I can't put my finger on the impulse to do that. Like why – if you see someone – and there's some people where you just – if I saw like Kiefer Sutherland somewhere, I'm like, that's Kiefer Sutherland. Look at that. But there are some people who you're like, there is that drive.

I just need to tell them that I like them. Sherman Helmsley. Sherman Helmsley, for instance. Leona Helmsley. Yes, of course. Clarence Thomas. Antonin Scalia. Yeah, David Souter.

Any Supreme Court justice. Because I love their work. Jordan, we should say, has a tattoo from shoulder blade to shoulder blade that says Supremes. Yeah. And it's not about the 50s singing group. It is about the Supreme Court justices. You know, there's that girl with the Drake tattoo on her forehead. I just have suitor

um but yeah there is that impulse there is like some stuff that like you if if you see someone from something that you've connected with more than casually i don't know where that comes from but it is and what do you get out of it i mean i've had that experience when i've gone up to people and then after it it's over, I'm like, why did I do that? Right, right. Hey, it is. I don't know. I think it is just like, yeah, just wanting to.

It's like you feel like they've connected with you. So you just want it to be two way. I don't know. If I saw. I'll tell you what. If I saw Rip Torn on the street. Uh-huh. And presuming he was fully dressed.

And not drunk. And not passed out with a gun. Yeah. Passed out with a gun yeah unlikely it would be hard for me even knowing that like uh uh this is a guy famous for punching um i would have and for passing out drunk in a bank with a gun um i would have a hard time not wanting to just touch him. Like shake hands, not like touch him sexually.

Not like caress his cheek. No. What about like bump into him? Just have him be real to me and like have connected with him. So I can understand that. I mean, I think that certainly Jordan and I

and certainly you, Maria, are cultural figures on the scale of a riptorn. Yeah. If not in popularity, And certainly you, Maria, are cultural figures on the scale of a Rip Torn. Mm-hmm. Yeah. If not in popularity, just in drunkenness. Drunken fights. Yes.

Yes. I just meant physical scale. Yes. All right. We're about as large as you. Yeah, like our average size is about Rip Torn's size between the three of us. The mean size of us. Yeah.

I don't know. It's a powerful uh it's a powerful thing and frankly like i once in a while i will get i get recognized a little bit more now because i put this on being on video and people will will i can tell when somebody is eyeing me for put this on like there was a guy i went to this thrift store sale i think i mentioned this thrift store sale i went to last week and um there was this guy like leaning against a car wearing like raw denim and like a red barracuda jacket and um an oxford button-down shirt and he was like maybe 25 ish and i was like oh god i wonder if that guy reads put this on and then i went in the sale and like i i was a little ahead of him in line so he only was in there at the very tail end of me being

in there and i was sort of like avoiding eye contact because either he read put this on or he was some sort of rival for like a guy under 40 who's for some reason dressed well on this special thrift store sale and and then I sort of forgot about it and then like four days later he emailed me and said I saw you at the thrift store sale and I re-put this on I wasn't sure whether to say anything

or not I gave you the look and waited by the glory hole you never showed up what the fuck dude but like it's always it's nice right like you like getting recognized right Jordan oh it's always it's nice right like you like getting recognized right jordan oh it's great it's fun sure i mean i can totally understand how it would be just a tremendous burden to people who are famous to people who don't like them like if uh like if penny arcade fans knew what i looked like and were always recognizing me sure then i wouldn't

i wouldn't like getting recognized but um you know. But when you're in a world, if you're like Bob Odenkirk or something, it can't be that bad because everyone that recognizes you thinks you're tremendous and is probably at least capable of walking away after a few sentences, right? Sure. Like worst case scenario? Yeah. I mean, I can say I feel like the worst thing that i get when i get recognized is like you're i'm five two and people will say say like oh i thought you would be taller

yeah i mean that's the worst that they will that they will sure i was wondering yeah that those those comments about your appearance like are always are always strange to me i feel like there's like unless it's like there's, like, unless it's, like, there's some very specific, like, you can say to someone, you're as beautiful as I imagined you would be. Like, that's great, but anything else

can be taken as a slam. You're just as beautiful in real life as you are on screen is pretty much the only acceptable thing you can say about someone who you don't know

personally's appearance. Sure. Yeah. You mentioned that you don't know personally's appearance. Sure. Yeah. You mentioned that you have done this a few times. You've gone up to people and said, just wanted to say big fan. When was the last time you did it? I'm trying to think. John Updike.

John Updike. The one, the time that springs to mind was Bill Murray and it was that's how I felt, I felt like I gotta do it, I got to do this but after it was over I sort of regretted it because it wasn't

what are you going to get out of Bill Murray? turns out I'll tell you, nothing I got nothing you are in one of these situations, I hear tell you, nothing. I got nothing. You are in one of these situations. I hear there's some sort of phenomenon of Bill Murray just showing up to house parties and hanging around. Was it in one of those situations? No, it was at a movie premiere.

Okay. And I think he was talking to, oh, he was, I shouldn't have gone, I picked a bad person. Roman Polanski. He was talking to, what's that guy's name? John Cheever. No. Philip Roth, maybe the great American novelist. Philip Roth.

I'm not going to remember. He played the bad guy in Spider-Man. He has like a sort of craggly face. Willem Dafoe? He was talking to William Dafoe. So you were like, excuse me, Willem Dafoe. I need to talk to Bill Murray. I didn't say anything to William Dafoe.

One of our most brilliant actors. Just a true brilliant genius of your craft. You're a professional actress. Yeah, exactly. It was terrible i also am bad in those kind of situations yeah i got i i love i mean they could have just been shooting the shit but i love the idea of a world where willem dafoe and bill burry are friends yeah isn't that fun here's the thing like i have they were both in the movie yeah yeah i i have this

job where often i will just have the opportunity to have a legitimate interaction with somebody that I really like and admire. And I have to say that that's a big relief to me because it means I don't have to feel like I feel like I don't have to connect with someone some other way. Because I don't know who is like too famous to be on my show but also i would really want to talk to them like like is will ferrell like one of our most brilliant comic minds and like absolutely amazing and spectacular yes would i feel compelled to talk to bill murray i mean to to will ferrell probably not but i think bill murray is like one where it would be tough i really felt like i had to go over think Bill Murray is like one where it would be tough. I really felt like I had to go over there.

I really felt like it. But it lasted, you know, all of five seconds. I didn't have, I didn't have, I think that, I didn't have a prepared speech.

So I just probably went up to him and I said, excuse me to William Dafoe. Then said, hi, I just wanted to meet you. Yeah. Do you think?

Hello. I love Groundhog Day. I'm sure. I said something horrible like that like his most famous i love your body of work yeah right you should have you should have at least what's the one where he's a sad clown robbing banks oh yeah god that's hilarious places no not trading places oh that's a hilarious one 10 000 people do not email me i'll remember what the name we'll figure it out at the break we'll go do not email me. I'll just remember what the name is.

We'll figure it out at the break. We'll go on IMDb. Don't email me about what the name of it is. And don't tell me that you stopped listening to it right after I said what it is. And then it has life in the name. Is life in the name? Life stinks? No, that's the Mel Brooks movie.

What about a movie called Broken Flowers or something? Yeah, Broken Flowers, the Jim Jarmusch movie? Yeah, sure. No, I'm thinking of Quick Change. There you go. Quick Change is hilarious, a wonderful movie. You know, you could have talked to him. I think the secret is you should write down one underrated credit for each person you might be excited to meet.

Oh, yeah. So they know that you're a serious fan like if someone came up to you and said as wonderful a film as Forgetting Sarah Marshall is I think it was as successful as it deserved to be whereas if someone said to you Strangers with Candy they get a few extra points I wonder if I go up to Bill Murray and I talk to him about how much I enjoyed

The Man Who Knew Too Little whether that would get me any extra points he probably hates the good ones and loves the bad ones because he's insane, right? Right. I can see that, sure. That's how people, like, if someone comes up to me and says,

I love Jordan and Jesse Go, they don't get a lot of points. But if someone comes up to me and says, I love that local commercial you did with NBC4 weatherman Fritz Coleman, then I will take them to fuck town. I don't care if it's a dude. I will bone down with them. And you'll let them call you surfer dude while you fuck? Yeah. Oh, fuck town

is where you have sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. It's not a literal place. It's just I will fuck them. It's not like an area. Yeah, this isn't like a place that Huell Hauser visits on California's Gold. This is a metaphor, Maria. It's not a place. This is a metaphor, Maria. It's not a place.

It's a metaphorical place. It's not a place where. It's the bone mansion. Yeah, yes, exactly. Bone manor, specifically. Okay, look, we're having a lot of fun. We'll be back. Bone manor title of the episode.

I'm calling it now. On Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Maria Thayer, mistress of the bone mansion. Terrific. It's horrible. It's horrible. It's horrible.

No, no. And it also... In the running for best nickname. And it will haunt you forever. Yeah. God. You will be getting all those people... I felt pressure to come up with a nickname in five seconds.

The people who thought they were getting points for coming up to you and saying how much they love Strangers with Candy are now going to come up to you and say how much they love Strangers with Candy are now going to come up to you and say, oh my god, are you the mistress of Bone Mansion? And then I will blush. Sounds like a clue character. I'll tell you one thing about the... With the candlestick.

One thing about this not that many fans of Strangers with Candy situation. I did my radio show, The Sound of Young America, soon to be Bullseye, starting in 2012 at WNYC in New York City. And they have this lovely stage there and it seats maybe 100, 125, something like that. And, you know, my drawing power isn't immense. And so sometimes, you know, we're wondering, you know,

do we have to lean on our guests to bring in the audience for this show? Especially because at WNYC, they make these shows public radio type prices, which is to say for rich old people. So they always cost $25 or something. And hard to draw the UCB audience that won't pay more than $5 for anything.

There's a two kombucha minimum. Yeah, exactly. So the last time I did it, our headline guest, it was a great show. We had a lot of great guests. Judah Freelander was on the show. But our headlining guest was Amy Sedaris. And somehow, shortly after, we had a couple of days of tickets going on sale. And we had sold like 20 tickets for this 125-ish seat show.

And then like three or four days in, the show sold out. And that was all we had heard going into the show. And I was like, you know what? That's great. We sold out the show. Maybe our drawing power is better than I thought it was. And then I got to the show. And it was right before the show.

I was talking with my producer, Julia. And Julia said to me, oh, did you hear about the Amy Sedaris thing? And I was like, what Amy Sedaris thing? And they're like, well, you know how we were worried that we weren't going to be able to sell enough tickets because we only sold 20 tickets the first couple days. And we thought we were really going to have to push it really hard and do a lot of promos on WNYC. And I was like, yeah. She's like, and you know how it sold out in one day on day five?

And I was like, yeah, yeah, I did. I did notice that. And she's like, Amy Sedaris fan website posted that she was going to be at the show. Oh, wow. And so we did our whole show for an audience of people who go to the Amy Sedaris fan website, which is number one. I mean, there's no doubt in my mind that Amy Sedaris is one of the five or ten funniest people in the world.

And I, so I count myself among her great fans. However, I will say that Amy Sedaris fans, not entirely crazy about the rest of the stuff we were doing leading up to the last thing which was the amy sedaris like i felt like the warm-up comedian on my own show for like 45 minutes or an hour before we brought amy sedaris out and to be fair like amy sedaris i think she was maybe a little tired like she wasn't ready to be um she wasn't ready to be you know uh uh manic wild hilarious amy sedaris and so it was good that the audience was so excited just to see her because they sort of buoyed her spirits but um anyway i i guess the moral of the story is there there are probably more of these people out there uh you know, and they may hate your entire show until Amy Sedaris comes on.

Because I feel like Amy Sedaris is this very specific person. Yeah, so specific. So different from Judah Friedlander also. Yes, very. Poor Judah. I had to explain to him. Judah was being hilarious. He was touring with this book of how to be a world champion

was the name of the book and it was and it was the premise of this interview was basically me asking him to do like karate demonstrations for the radio and talk about how to kill a thousand ninjas and like all these different things that are in his book right and just all these all these sort of like uh all these sort of 45 yearyear-old gay men and craft-oriented women, sort of Etsy types, are just sitting in the audience like, with just this sort of look of, I wouldn't describe it as contempt,

more like concern. Like, this gentleman, what, I don't understand his, he is not yeah okay anyway that's my strangers with candy fan story i also love the show love amy sudaris i'm not putting down any of these things this isn't a community situation don't want anyone to turn on me now you're just now you're just stroking the flames jesse yeah I am stroking the flames. Yeah. Yeah.

Let the listener at home know that Jesse is making the jack-off motion while making an angry face. Okay. It would be hard to find somebody who, like, who is a, loved ninjas. Right. And also loved, like, stuffed felt squirrels. But here's the thing. Like, I feel like the Sound of Young America audience is the bisection of those two things. Like I think that the 30 or 35 people who are in the audience to see our show would be excited both to see Judah Friedlander and to see Amy Sedaris.

But the ones who came from the Amy Sedaris fan website, not so hot. Not so hot on what we were up to. Anyway, I have a feelings question for you guys. Sure. Great. I've been known to have one of those from time to time. I got this email the other day, and I got really excited about it when I saw it. And it was uncontrollable excitement.

It wasn't like, not in the sense that it was so effusive, but just I had an automatic reaction of like, you know what I mean? I'm sorry. I don't have to... Look, shut your trap there! These are my feelings! And I will... I have the conch. The word-making

power. I have the conch. Sucks to your asthma. Okay. So I guess what I'm trying to say is kill the pig, slit her throat, spill her blood. Sure. That's all the things I remember. From Lord of the Flies. We're out of things that I remember from Lord of the Flies.

We got sucks to your asthma. I have the conch and kill the pig, slit her throat, spill her blood. Wow. Island. Yeah. That's where they are so I got this email the the subject line

said Peabody Awards dash maximum fun so I am like holy shit did I win a Peabody Award well what does one win a Peabody for? I guess I'm not clear. I should explain.

The Peabody Awards are probably the most prestigious broadcasting awards you can win. And when I say prestigious, I mean, I guess it's probably more prestigious to win an Emmy, but they are the most prestigious highbrow broadcasting awards. They are the most prestigious highbrow broadcasting awards, and they're for all types of broadcasting, including fiction, nonfiction, journalism, television, radio, and now online as well. And this is the kind of thing that – That's what the honey badger won. Ira Glass won one the first year of This American Life. Last year, I think, Jad Abumrad and Robert Kralwich won one the first year of This American Life. You know, last year, I think, Jad Abumrad and Robert Kralwich won one for Radiolab.

Men of a Certain Age won one last year. 30 Rock won one a couple years ago. I think Colbert won one. Yeah, exactly. Mystery Science Theater has one. Is that true? Yeah, I think so. These are like,

what if awards actually went to the best things? And I knew that it was a big deal for our friend Kurt Anderson in Studio 360 won one for their American Icon series. It's sort of like there's not a lot of awards that my shows would qualify for. There's not a lot of awards that my shows would qualify for. And so I was like, oh, my God, if I won one or was nominated for one or whatever, that would be amazing. You know, it could potentially change the course of my career. So I click on this email. I got one the other day that said Jordan Morris local commercial Emmy. But it was just an email from Fritz saying you did a great job yeah

so um i click on this email and the email is it says that i should consider applying for the peabody awards um because they'd like to have more online in their pool of entries. And I have to say, I was a little bit crestfallen. I didn't expect that I would ever win a Peabody Award, but I thought, what could this email mean

other than that at least I've been nominated or shortlisted. Yeah. So it was number one, it, it was a, it was a mass email. It was,

but it was, it was a personalized mass email. So it said, dear Jesse. And it did say, you know, you might qualify for the sound of young America, Jordan,

Jesse, go stop podcasting yourself, judge Sean Hodgman or something like that. And so I had never, I guess I knew that there, I had, when my wife Teresa first came to work at Maximum Fun full time, one thing that we wondered was if there was awards that we should be applying to try and win. was if there was awards that we should be applying to try and win. And I can't remember, I couldn't remember why, but I knew that we had like considered Peabody Awards and decided not to bother with it or something. And so I went and looked at the information

and it cost $300 to submit for the Peabody Awards. And to be fair, like, if you are TNT, $300 is the most marginal amount of money you could possibly... $300 is nothing. Nothing. But

if I sent in the things that they suggested I sent in, that would be like $1,500. Oh, probably shouldn't bother with Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm going to go ahead and save you the 300 bucks right there. They listed Jordan, Jesse, go in this email. So here's the thing.

So now here I am, right? And this is how they could show my brother, my brother, my brother, and me, they, they deserve one. Let's give it everybody except us one. could, sure. My brother, my brother, my brother, and me, they deserve one. Let's give everybody except us one. No, please. So here's the position that I'm in right now, which is I don't... It's sort of, it's a little bit like applying for college or something. Like, it is really difficult to...

Oh, and one of the things in the email was I should probably broach the subject with my awards coordinator. You mean Coco? Yeah. So you've got to hire an awards coordinator. Yeah, I figured about hiring myself. And how much do they? I mean, I don't think they'd take a dog, so I think maybe I'll make Simon do it. Okay.

The baby. Maria, for you you that's the baby okay i here's the thing like if somebody's gonna do this it has to be me right like i can't my wife is who was working for me full-time and i probably could have gotten to do this on my behalf honestly she can't do it she's taking care of a baby full time. My producer, Julia, and my editor, Nick, who are my only other actual employees, they are working incredibly hard on our transition from Changing the Sound of Young America to Bullseye. And so it's like, I don't know, like maybe it's tied in with trauma from applying for colleges and not getting into any of them,

getting into zero of the colleges that I applied to besides the one I went to. Um, but it is the prospect of sending in. And the reality is, I don't know. I don't know how many people they sent this email to. It was a perfectly nice email, perfectly reasonable and appropriate.

But I can't imagine winning a Peabody Award. Like, I think The Sound of Young America is probably, or maybe put this on, are probably the closest to something that could potentially win it. But even those are not enough of like... And I'm still not making Schindler's List. I'm not making... I heard Tina Fey hosting the Kitchen Sisters public radio special, The Secret Life of Girls.

This is what could definitely win a Peabody Award. Even 30 Rock or Men of a Certain Age, I absolutely see how they win a peabody award right you know like these are pinnacles of what they are you know what i mean and so i am like i'm like completely emotionally torqued over the prospect of i I don't know, I guess just paying someone to tell me that I'm not good enough to win their award. But then if I don't do it, then I'm like the guy that's like such a chicken shit

that I can't even put myself out there. But then it's actually kind of a lot of money. Yeah, 300 bucks is a lot of money. I don't know. You should do it. I think you should do it. You don't think you should do it of money. I don't know. You should do it. I think you should do it. Yeah? You don't think you should do it?

Yeah. I don't know. I'm scared to do it. Well, here's my question. Do you think you've had... So the Peabody, is it a body of work or is it a year of work? That's a good question. It's hard to...

I think it's just a recognition of achievement. So I think it could be for anything between body of work and a single thing. Okay. Like, I think that... Does it... Do they count the episode where we were doing the Santa Vic American College where we were in the underwear... In our underwear at the base of

campus. Like, is that do the Peabody council? Is that going to get sent in? Do you think that would be the thing that would push us over the top? Is that what you're saying? I'm saying some sweet dong pics probably wouldn't hurt. If we just sent in that tape of us interviewing Mark Maron

and Mark Maron being a little confused and upset. Yes. Or how about us in person? That was over the phone. In person, we interviewed the director of a movie called Afropunk who, let's just say, was in full regalia. Meanwhile, we're just standing

there in our underpants. What? This was a stunt to raise money for our college radio station. I just wanted you guys to know that they are fully dressed. Yeah. Fully dressed during this interview. This is not par for the course for us. Well, what do you have to send in?

What do they want to see other than 300 bucks? You send in like some episodes of the show. You have to make like 25 copies for the committee or whatever of three episodes or something like that. Okay. Well, do you feel like you have three episodes that are Peabody worthy? I think it's maybe a matter of... That's the thing. Like, how the fuck would I even know?

Well, do you have three episodes that you're just super duper proud of that you feel like could win an award? No, I'm not proud of anything, Jordan. Well, then don't do it! Or maybe wait till next year and concentrate on like Okay well what are three things That I'm going to send You know what's something You know what's something

That I'm genuinely proud of That I would feel comfortable Submitting for the Peabody Awards What The fact that I recently found out That my baby has a 95th percentile head What Can that

Can your baby's head Win a Peabody I think I don't know Big head jeans I've now broadcast it right Yeah well Maybe I don't know. Big head jeans. I've now broadcast it, right? Yeah, well, maybe. I mean, but it's so, I don't even know what I would pick.

It's supposed to be good to have a big head. Is it? What are the advantages? You're easier to hit for an assassin. That's one of the disadvantages. If you're going to become a president or another type of public figure. A dictator. Or you're just going to be in like a Rodney Dangerfield movie.

You can be a better singer. You have a louder voice because of more resonance. You're a sweater ruiner. Is that an advantage or that's a disadvantage? Because of pulling your head through the Your little sweater hole It's my wife's jeans Doesn't it sound gross?

Little sweater hole Pull that through your little sweater hole Knit it after you wash it Block it Here's what I think You're going to be at this for a while You're going to be at radio hosting for a while. Just keep it in the back of your mind.

If you look at your body of work, if they want three episodes, do you think you have three tremendous out-of-the-park episodes? I don't. That's the thing. I mean, here's the thing. I'm the kind of person who, like, I think that there are people who are really good at doing projects and stuff like remember in school when some people would do a science project and their poster board would look like so good you know what i mean like it would be a really great poster board and they would really have nailed it whether or not the content of their thing was a B or an A.

You know, I'm not putting these people down. But, you know, like they would get the trappings perfect. And they'd really know how to make a thing for impact. I think that I am, frankly, scared to try that hard at anything. It's a matter of that. Well i i actually i can experience something similar jordan let me let me sure i i want to say that i like i work really really really really hard but everything that i work really really really hard at is an ebay action no is it's like um you know like i'm i'm i'm scared to make something that i say like this is the ultimate representation of me because if i do then someone could say oh i don't like that you know what i mean it's sort of like david cross's

stand-up comedy you know you kind of always get the feeling you're going into community territory i think you like this at this point i'm just joking i'm just joking about that um i think he has a casual charm i think that's what it is it's not half-ass it was um um well here i actually i had a similar thing recently uh there are um every uh not, all the big television networks have a writing fellowship where they kind of groom new writers. It's like a famous thing.

You submit a script and you can get like a... Yeah, and they kind of help you get staff. They kind of groom you. Anyways, and that's absolutely something that I would help my career. But you need, depending on the network,

you need just certain kinds of writing samples. And I've never felt like mine are good enough, but, uh, this year for the first time, I feel like mine are good enough. So I'm going to submit and it's, it's not 300 bucks a piece, but it is, you do have to pay money to submit. And there is that, like, you know, uh, there is that judging factor. There is that like, oh, this is NBC telling you you're not good enough. You're not as good as the writers who are currently on Whitney.

They'll say to you. So yeah, but no, actually just for the first time in my life, I feel like my writing samples are good enough to show someone who judges TV writing. So yeah, so I'm going to do it this year. I think they kind of come around in the spring. So yeah, I mean, I guess

that's how I would look at it. Just like, look at your body of work. I genuinely, here's the thing, Jordan, even though I'm proud of some of my work yeah i am proud of my work um i really i don't know like i feel like i've set up my whole work life around the premise of um i don't know like i i think maybe as when you are, as I was, I mean, I think I've mentioned this on the show before, but just a total academic failure until I was 16 or 17,

not a total academic failure. I mean, I think I was bright enough that it would have been hard for me. I would have had to act. I would have had to be on drugs or something in order to genuinely be an academic failure. But I didn't, I didn't technically graduate.

I was like socially promoted out of middle school. But I didn't technically graduate. I was like socially promoted out of middle school. Like I was a shitty student. And even in college and stuff, I was like a B plus, A minus student. And I think that part of it is that there, when you, especially when you have a childhood full of people, full of teachers and stuff being like, you know, you've got a lot of potential if you just apply yourself. You know what I mean? Then the last thing you want is to really apply

yourself and then find out it's not good enough, right? Yeah. That's horrible. It's a terrifying thing. Yes. Yeah, well, I mean, but but you know you i feel like you you're a you're a judge of like you can objectively judge something so and here's the thing like if i if it was just a matter of this is the other side of it if it was just a matter of ticking a box and saying like yeah sure you can consider my thing like even when i thought

maybe i had just been like nominated for the i was like that's tremendous and if i had lost to something like radio lab that i think is definitely better than anything that i do like i would have just been like wow like it was amazing just to be mentioned in the same breath as radio lab or whatever but to have to be the person that puts your that pays 300 to put yourself forward and be like my shit is worth winning the most prestigious award you does that make sense does that part of it make sense to you yeah sure yeah like i have to make you out it's better it's better to not try in some ways and then you can be like you can then you can be like, it's not my fault. I didn't even submit.

But I also feel like a dick for being like, check out how fucking awesome I am. I got $300 on this. You know what I mean? $300 on black. $300 on Jesse's awesomeness. Yeah, well, I mean, but you know... Yeah, I mean... But don't... But no one is...

Like, the Peabody wants your money. Yeah. They're not judging. Can you believe this guy responded to our email that we sent? They came after you. I wish... This is what I want. I want one of two things.

Yes. I either wanted to be... I just... Someone else nominated me. Uh-huh. And I'm up for competition. I wouldn't even feel bad, I just, someone else nominated me and I'm up for competition. I wouldn't even feel bad, I think, if I lost then. Because as I said, I'm ambivalent about this work that I do. But that would be totally fine with me. The other thing that would be totally fine with me is if it was like, you know,'s who in connecticut and you just pay your 300

you're in the fucking book you know what i mean i forgot about this book you know what i'm talking about yeah who's who among uh american high school students yeah exactly you make it into the social register yeah that really just means you pay the 500 i don't think my i think it was i think it was cheaper than that but i remember my mother paying for me to be in it and me knowing that it meant nothing. Right. But I mean, I would like. Is this something that comes with the phone book? What is, I don't know, I'm not familiar with these books.

It looks like, it looks fancy. It's like bound. Okay. It looks like a world book encyclopedia. Yeah. And it just has names of high school students. And I, it's, it's, it's not expensive. I think it's like $25, $50 to get this book and also get your name in it.

But the way that they sell it is like, oh, buy this book because if you buy this book, your name will be in it. Right. Okay. So they get like the honor rolls from every high school in America. But I was not on that. I was not on that. I do not know. That's why I think.

You're an A plus student. No. No, no. No. All you had to. That's why I think. You're an A plus student. No, no, no, no. All you had to do was flash that winning smile. Sorry, my book report wasn't in on time. Ding. What kind of student were you?

I was a bad student. I was one of those students that would come. If I liked the class, I would would do well and if i didn't if i wasn't interested i would fail it yeah so i like i i don't i still don't think i actually graduated from high school wow i mean do you have some overdue library books is that or maybe you damaged your uh pe? There was one class where I don't think that I turned in enough things to get... Wow. Is that a monkey

on your back? Do you still walk around thinking to yourself, I don't have a GED? Well, I have a diploma. Okay. However, I got the diploma. Well, she did take the GED. I went to college. That was when she was in prison. Gotcha. Oh, okay. It's really great that you wanted to better yourself instead of just writing. Yeah, almost everybody takes their GED at the was in prison. Gotcha. Oh, okay. It's really great that you wanted to better yourself instead of just rioting.

Yeah. Almost everybody takes their GED at the women's prison. Instead of just rioting. Yeah. Yeah. But there was some time in high school that I did not know if I was going to graduate. Just in my head. I didn't do anything about it.

Yeah. But I was also like, I don't know. I had a huge high school. My high school we there was a my high school is enormous so you could just you could uh you could just you could sort of be a lot of things you could be like a fuck up and miss class and then also then some classes you could be also queen of 4-h yeah i don't know i mean you strike me as the queen of 4-h time mistress of fuck man i was i was the homecoming queen of Apple Valley High School, which is sort of like...

But also, you know, like I'm still friends with my best friend from high school. And he reminded me... He's doing very, very well right now. But he reminded me that he used to do... It's Rick Perry. He's not cutting anymore. No, he's like... He actually... I don't think he'll mind me saying this, he runs New York Comic Con. And this guy, Lance Fensterman, but now that I said his name, he'll be, he used to, he reminded me that he.

So he's been to a lot of costumed orgies then. He did meth in my backyard out of a light bulb when we were 16 years old. And now he's running a popular comic convention. Yep. Wait. So have you, you've, and I imagine, especially with Adult Swim, you've probably been to cons, right? Yeah. I went to the, I went to the, the San Diego Comic Con.

I went to Lance's New York. Can I, can I say one thing? Yes. He's gone from being addicted to speed to addicted to The Flash. I'm so glad you said that. Terrific. Go ahead. I didn't mean to interrupt you.

No, I don't know. That's it. I'm going to Sketch Fest. I don't know if that's comic book related. That's not really. That's something our people will know about. Next month. But yeah, no, I've gone to the San Diego one a couple of times.

But now just this year with Eagle Heart with Chris. Okay. I want to get back to this feelings issue. Okay. There's something about doing for some people with a certain temperament, which I think maybe I have. I was the same kind of student. But I never really tried in any of my classes. But I think I never tried.

I've worked very hard and tried very hard at a broad variety of things. I certainly tried very hard at rotisserie baseball from the age of 11 to 17. Rotisserie chicken? What is that? That's like fantasy football for baseball. Okay. And I was great at it. It's like rotisserie chicken, but for baseball. It's when a baseball rotates in a glass case

covered in spices. But I think there's something about trying really hard at something that other people are supposed to like that is hard. Like I can make, I've made The Sound of Young America,

like I get into these crazy like frustration slash sadness cycles around trying to make it so that, uh, public radio program directors like the sound of young America. Um, and so it's been really hard for me when,

when we're changing the sound of young America to bullseye and we're sort of trying to address some of the issues that they have. Like my feelings are sort of like what my natural instinct is just to be like, is just to write them off just be like fuck those fucking assholes you know like i'll just do my thing however i want to do it and whatever i think that's a good way to be right that's how new stuff happens if you worry too much about whoever that whatever i'm gonna say tastemakers but i hate that i'm saying we hear we hear your concern and we appreciate it.

Yes. It's one of those things where you're like, this is a shitty word to use, but I can't use any other word. I feel like it's like hipster. Like I don't like saying it, but it's helpful. Anyway. Yes. But if you worry too much about what they think, who they are and what they think, I mean, it's so short-lived. You're trying to make something new. I also do not have the vision to make...

Like, I think that for the people for whom that is a good quality, they are people who are like, you know, like... Gigi Allen. I mean, I have shit on stages but he did he did go out of the box right

yeah he did he did not care what the tastemakers no he didn't care where they wanted him to shit he just shit somewhere else but like for

if you take the examples of those people that you know if you take the example of of Ira making this American life you know like Ira take the example of of ira making this american life you know like ira had a really specific vision and like fought to create his vision and whatever you know like he and and he did an amazing job and that's why he's a success

and ultimately i think that um uh while i'm very proud of the stuff we do and I think it's great, I'm not fighting to change the world, am I? I think I come up short in that thing where the fuck you, I'm going to go do my own thing comes out as like, oh, I wrote the Book of Mormon or whatever. Wait. Okay. Is that the musical? What? So wait. No, the actual book.

The actual. The actual. So wait. So what's your, do you have a new, okay, so what's the concern? Is the concern the Peabody stuff or is it capable of making something that I work, that I focus so hard on making right and perfectly that I feel comfortable saying that it's a representation of myself. And that if it's like happenstantial that I got nominated for an award, that would be fine. But then the combination of feeling like I can't focus on something

until it feels right to say it's a representation of myself and the idea that I would have to advocate for it by putting myself forward and putting a bunch of my money that I don't have a lot of money into it. Does that make sense? Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, I guess you can do one of two.

I guess here's my thing. I feel like it's maybe the same point that I've made, but I feel like it's – you can do two things with this feeling. You can go back and look at your body of work and look at what you're really, really proud of. And if you don't feel like there's enough, maybe instead of making your goal, you know, how do I convince award people? Like, yeah, just work on changing your thing so you feel like...

Like, okay, if you had three great episodes that you felt like were Peabody worthy or worthy for them to take a look at? Because yeah, Radiolab will probably win or something, right? But here's the thing. I think you have to have a mindset that is like, basically, in order to not be crippled by self-criticism, which I have in spades, basically, my system has been, well, I will start a weekly radio show, so I just have to put some shit on the radio one way or the other, I'm fucked. And so I can't get too involved in being obsessive over it and making it perfect,

because if I did, I wouldn't have something to put on the radio. Because, you know, at least in the olden days, when it was just me, or when it was you know in the in the years in between when you left and when i had employees um you know like there was no other way to do it other than just quick and dirty and fun and just whatever it is is whatever it is and i work hard and try and make it good but that's different from making the american icon series on studio 360 or making an episode of radioolab. Okay. And I feel like even my best work still has that quality. When I was in junior high and first starting to get sexual feelings towards girls, there was this part of me that hated any celebrity that the girls I liked thought was cute.

That mainly manifested itself against, when I was in junior high, Billy Joe Armstrong from Green Day. They loved him. I hated him. Not JTT? I don't know. For some reason, I didn't find JTT threatening. I think the girls that I—

I can't imagine why you wouldn't find JTT threatening. I can take it. That guy's terrifying. I think the girls I liked liked Billy Joe Armstrong. Right. That was my type. Right. Still is.

Currently, 13-year-olds. Text me. Jordan, sexed you. Sexed me. Excuse me. Sexed me. I learned about that in 2020. Zwinkies.

What are those? Pogs. So I... Pogs. Sext me your pogs. Sext me your pogs. Zwinky me your snorgatees. So anyway, so I...

But, like, okay, and I remember growing out of that. I remember realizing, oh, okay, like, a girl liking a celebrity and liking me are different. There's just a social thing to girls swooning over celebrities. For you, it's like pure, raw sexuality. Exactly. Anyways, and I started to have – and I had not felt that for years. I thought I had outgrown it. Totally thought I had outgrown it.

Until semi-recently, this year especially, I have been having these jealousy hatred feelings toward ryan gosling for some reason for some reason that when women talk about ryan gosling women do talk about they do yeah they absolutely do uh these weird jealousy feelings come up for me and i wanted well here's the thing it's because it's because you feel like um if it came down to it clooney would be on your side but gosling would take the hot girl side and then they would both be picking on you and you'd be like what the fuck what did i do sure i'm just not as beautiful and cool as you are yeah and he'd be like suck it anyways but it's okay the thing that i the thing that makes me self-conscious about I'm just not as beautiful and cool as you are. Yeah. And he'd be like, suck it. Anyways, but it's – okay, the thing that I – the thing that makes me self-conscious about Gosling and kind of to a – another segment of that is James Franco.

But he's a little crazier, so I don't feel as threatened by him. They make you wonder if you're gay. Seems crazy. Yes. My male boner is a problem. Is this idea that like they're handsome, but they're also Renaissance men. Like, you know, Gosling can put together an outfit. He can fix a car. He can, he's in a band and he does, he, he does, he, I don't know, darns his own socks and makes quilts.

Anyways, so I started. Quilting in particular. Yeah. I mean, the kind of hand embroidery is what impresses me. Anyway, so, but the thing that made me feel better about that is, like, the thought that, like, well, Ryan Gosling has been a child star his whole life. And the thing that – and yes, very handsome, hard to be jealous of his genetics. But like what causes someone to be able to become a renaissance man who can play the guitar and make his own ceviche is time. It's time.

I think borscht and ceviche are about the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Completely the same. They're culturally, they're analogs. They're cultural analogs. To the Russian people, borscht. To the Spanish, ceviche. But it's time. It's this idea that, well, yes, I mean, well, maybe if I did not have rent to pay and a car note and stuff like that, I can work on my alt-country band and finding great jackets.

But I kind of can't because I do not have rich parents and I don't have a trust fund and I have to work. I just have to work a lot and living in LA is expensive and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyways, so you're thinking of a Jad Abumrad and Ira Glass, a Kurt Anderson. These guys all work. They didn't just start making those things. They worked in public radio until they were comfortable and then they made their masterpiece. I think my point is— There's like five This American Lives a year.

There's like two radio labs per year. Like, sounds like their Peabody things came from having a lot of time to make something perfect, which you don't. You have rent to make. You have a wife. You have a kid. You have very needy dogs with a very expensive taste. So I don't know. Maybe think about your Peabody thing as something you can do in your future when you do have time to nitpick over something, because you kind of don't,

you know, because that's nitpicking is something. I mean, it's really funny that there's an extent to which, you know, like, I am the, I do all these different things. And I know, I don't want to make this just about me personally, but I think these feelings are feelings that are common. You know, people can't write their novel and that kind of thing. But I do all these different things in which I am a major creative force. You know what I mean? I do put this on.

We do Jordan, Jesse, go. You know, Jordan, you and I do shows together. You know, I do The Sound of Young America. I'm, you know, the bailiff on Judge John Hodgman, all this different shit. And I really like all the stuff that I do The Sound of Young America. I'm, you know, the bailiff on Judge John Hodgman, all this different shit. And I really like all the stuff that I do. You know, I love both the product and the process. Like, I love doing what I do. But what's funny about it is that none of them have my, none of them are, none of them, none of them am I the author or the

auteur. Like The Sound of Young America is an interview show. The Sound of Young America is about the guest. It's not about me. You know, I'm an important part of it. And I think that interviewing is a, you know, skill that can be developed and so on. And I think I'm good at it. I'm proud of that. But really, it's about the people who I'm interviewing. It's not about me. Jordan Jesse Goh is about us. Absolutely. I mean, to a certain extent, our dicks, but that's part of us. And but the thing about Jordan, Jesse go is, is that,

you know, it's also something that we have set up to be conversational partly because, you know, that's fun for us and it's fun for the audience and everything. But for me, I think I can't speak for you, but for me, I think part of why I'm so happy that Jordan,

Jesse goes conversational is because when it's conversational, it takes the onus off of it to be exactly right. So if we were scripting Jordan Jesse Go, then people could blame us for our occasional misfires, you know, and, you know, we'd only get credit for the 10% of our show that works. In this case, when something lands, people are so amazed that these two idiots came up

with something good but so and so even when we do i'm so happy to be here yeah welcome and so even when we do something like um uh like when we did we did this show in long beach the other night and we did some just sort of stand-up comedy-ish material um that we wouldn't have done on jordan jesse go um that is all there's an element of that that is scarier to me and also more fulfilling just because it is when you go up on a stand-up comedy stage you are actually saying this is my thing i want you to like it and i wrote this for you like it's not just i'm walking around this i'm not it's not just you know um it's not even just like i i have wrote a few ideas down in a notebook and i'm gonna riff on them it's not even just like I have wrote a few ideas down in a notebook and I'm going to riff on them.

It's like, here's a thing for you. But I feel like comedians, it's like that, but it's also, I feel like performing is like, here's a thing for you, but there is a part of it. I think to be healthy in it is to be like, and if you don't like it, well, fuck you. You know, I feel like hard for me. Yeah. I think it's hard for everybody because you get into this a lot of times because you want people i think it's a human thing to want people to like you and i feel like you get into this because you actually maybe have a bigger thing about people want liking you you know you really want them to like you but i feel like as an i don't know i feel it's a struggle that i have is to divorce myself from it i think it's

important because i think you frees you up. You can do more interesting stuff. Because also it doesn't – like a comedian, if you're performing for an audience, one audience can love you. Another audience – you can do the exact same set and another audience will be like, I hate you and not laugh and totally stone you. I'm here for Amy Sedaris. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. for Amy Sedaris.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So it doesn't really mean anything if you have a bad set or somebody isn't into what you're doing. Yeah. And I think that something to know or something that I guess I'm really aware of as a creative person is

there's the stuff that I'm doing because it's fun and there's the stuff that I'm doing to make money, which hopefully is fun and good, but sometimes is not. He's talking about Jordan, Jessica. I'm talking about Jordan, Jessica.

This is my, this is my, I'm just doing this to make the rent. 1500 a month he gets from this. Yeah. I'm going right up my nose. So yeah, so there's,

and, and, and Maria, I think you alluded to like, oh, not every TV show I've been in has been great. Yeah. But you know you're aware of the ones that are and hopefully the not great ones you had fun doing

and served a financial or career purpose. Oh, yeah. Some of the most successful things I've done I have not necessarily like, you know. Sure. Not enjoyed the thing itself. You're talking about forgetting Sarah Marshall. Filming in Hawaii.

Getting to hang around with Jack McBrayer. I get in trouble when I say this. I know it's annoying, but we had very little... I like that movie, but Jack and I had very little to do in that movie. And they – we were there for five or six weeks. Just hanging out?

So, like, yeah. Dude, you were in – Hawaii. On this – I just assumed, frankly, I assumed because your part – in your part, like, you're you're not really like you just sort of walk in and walk out like your your your scenes are not it's not with a lot of people it's like sort of contained yeah there's that weird sex scene it's not like it's not like it's uh it's not like you had a you know your small the the medium-sizedness of your part in that film is concentrated, not spread out

over the course of the film. Yes, I know what you mean. But they might have cut some stuff out of ours, I can't remember now, but we were there for five or six weeks and we shot one day a week. Yeah, wow. So the rest of the time – and I hate the sun.

My ties. You hate my ties and that's all they have to drink. No, I love my ties. No, my ties are cool. But deadly. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, sure. So we would just – and they were shooting.

We wouldn't even get out of that – Most of the stuff was shot in that hotel. The Turtle Bay. I've stayed there. Turtle Bay. You have? I have, yeah. After or before? I used to work.

It was after. And I walked around going, that's the front desk from the movie. I just actually just stopped working on a TV show that used to do a lot of surfing stuff. And they had a surf contest surfing stuff. Oh, cool. And they had a surf contest out there. Oh, great. Anyways. Anyway, it just got to be like –

We stay at the same hotels, Jessie, by the way. Well, okay. So here's my point about – there's the stuff you do for money. There's the stuff you do because it's fun and goofy. And then there's the stuff that's like really important to you. And it's all different. And some of it is a little bit like really important to you and it's all different and some of it is a little bit of this and a little bit of that and a little bit of one and a little bit of the other but I mean

I think we all know in our minds when we're doing something we're proud of I think you know as smart people I think that you know we're not as beautiful people as beautiful people as Ibiza type people we're not I don't know maybe like a weird egomaniacal guy like Brett Ratner or something is like, Rush Hour 3 is

going to change the world. I don't know. But I don't think we're that. Are you not scared to make something... I'll give you another example besides the Peabody Awards. So because I'm on the radio in New Yorkork i get an email from a literary agent about once every three or four months you know because they heard me on the on wnyc because that's the radio station that literary agents listen to and they're like i wonder if this guy's got a book in

him he's probably got an audience right and they say do you have any idea for a book and a book is something where a book is something where where it really what you are creating is an artifact representing you especially a first book if you haven't written a book before you know you want to you know i'm sure on the by his 47th book steve allen was uh no longer representing himself but um he was just he was just dictating whatever came into his head into a tape recorder and then sending it to a publisher. But I am genuinely... It occurred to me that at first I thought, you know, I don't know if there's something I care enough about to write a book, or I don't know if I could take the time to write a book or whatever. But actually, I think I'm scared to spend that much time working on

something where the premise of it is, this is definitely not me just fucking around. This is me making an actual thing that has to be good at the end. Well, I might go back to my original point. I don't think you have time to do that. I mean, I've done some work um recently that i'm more proud of than work i've done in the past but it's definitely not my here's my thing i think to do that you just need a fuck load of time and also if i had the time i wouldn't make anything okay maybe i can't get myself to fucking make it like if i have the opera if i have if if there's no gun to my head, I'm not going to make anything. Yeah. Okay, well.

Do you not have that problem? Like, when you're just sitting around your house, do you find you're productive? Yeah, I've gotten better at it in recent years because I've. You're working on scripts and stuff. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I feel like I do a lot of, I do a lot of independent writing that I'm really proud of. But I just, you know, have not had the time

to do the thing that I'm the most proud of. And I think I will have that time someday. But, I mean, right now I just have to focus on keeping my cat and food and keeping a roof over my head.

Yeah, I mean, sometimes I wonder because, you know, if you take Jad, for an example, Jad Albemrad, the producer and host of Radiolab. I've talked to I wonder because, you know, if you take Jad for an example, Jad Albemrad, the producer and host of Radio Lab. I've talked to Jad about how he makes that show

and I think, Marie, I don't know if you've ever heard it, but I think... Yeah, I've heard about it. Okay, so I think we can all agree probably that it's fucking amazing.

Yeah. Right? So it's an amazing show. Up until yesterday, I thought you were talking about Radiohead. Also amazing. Also great.

Well, you knew I wasn't talking about Radio Lab this... amazing. Also great. Well, you knew I wasn't talking about Radio Lab this fucking shit. No. You knew I wasn't talking about Radiohead when I said I thought

it was amazing. Sure. I don't like rock music. So, Jad's show is totally amazing. And Jad pours a huge amount of himself into that show. And even the 10 episodes a year that they produce or 12 episodes a year, whatever it is now,

I mean, Jad is working 60-hour weeks to make those shows perfect. You know what I mean? And before when they were doing six episodes a year, it was the same thing. Like he was pouring all of himself into that project. And I don't think I've ever done anything where I have put all of myself into trying to make something that is as powerful or beautiful an artistic expression as it could possibly be and when i go like if i when i go there's this um

at the uh there's a smithsonian folk art museum in washington dc it's in the same building as the national portrait gallery and there's this thing called the throne of this 12th heaven something, something, something, something, something, something, something. And it's this, if you imagine like an extra wide garage, for extra wide one car garage, it is that width and maybe 10 feet deep and maybe 12 feet deep. And it is essentially, it's like a dais and a throne and a bunch of columns and all of these different things made out of aluminum foil. And essentially this guy was like a, he was a, I believe he was a janitor at a school or something like that. And he had rented this garage for 20 years.

And he believed that God had told him to make this thing. And it is, I mean, people can Google, I'll post a picture of it on the discussion thread, but it is breathtaking. I mean, it's amazing. It's made of tinfoil also, but it's just unbelievable. And he rented this garage and built this thing over the course of 20 years. He would just come home from work, go to the garage, work on it, close up the garage, go home, go to sleep, wake up work go to the garage work on it close up the garage go home go to sleep wake up go to work and no one had ever been inside this garage uh until he passed away and his landlord went to open it just to clear out the contents um he didn't have any you know dependence or whatever and um and the things the and it's when go see, I've gone to see it a couple times, it's very moving to me. And part of why it's moving is because it's beautiful. And it is very beautiful. But it's also, you know, he's not, you know, he doesn't work at Deacon and Francis, like he's not at Tiffany's, like he's not a jeweler. It's definitely made by an untrained person.

He's not a jeweler. It's definitely made by an untrained person. The thing that is so beautiful about it to me is that someone could express God. I mean, I'm an atheist, but express something as important and dedicate their lives to expressing something as important as God and what that meant to them in the form of something that they didn't even show to anybody. Right. That was not even part of the thing, you know, like it wasn't,

I want other people to know about this or whatever. It was really just, I need to make the most amazing thing that I can create because it has to be a Testament to the power of God. And if I see something like that, the thing that, the thing that I wonder is like,

am I too scared to do whatever it is? I don't even know what I don't, it's not like there's a thing burning inside of me. Like I need to create a I don't, it's not like there's a thing burning inside of me. Like I need to create a ship, 40 cubits by 40 cubits. But you obviously have, you do make things. Yeah, I make things all the time.

So you obviously have something that. But it seems like, I think that the main way that I make things is by tricking myself into lowering the stakes. You know what I mean yeah um and so it's and so the thing that impresses me about like james franco i think james franco is tremendous i mean i don't know what i think about his art or whatever i have no strong opinion about it one way or the other but the thing that the thing that scares me and impresses me about that is just someone who can genuinely not as a dilettante devote themselves to something that is i mean it may even be shitty i mean i you know james franco wrote a novel uh or a group uh collection of short stories that people didn't think especially

much of some of it has got to be shitty we do that much stuff right you know right it just has got to be yeah but yeah i don't know gonna go back to time franco's franco is never going to be poor again and he will never have to worry about money he's not married he has no one depends on james but isn't he like getting like seven master's master's degrees but you know that probably takes as much time as oh yeah but I'm like I guess I'm lumping in I guess I'm lumping in his master's degrees at his

weird short films like just James Franco's artistic betterment of James Franco yeah I don't know I think I mean I don't even know if I could you know one of the things that is most impressive to me about—if I could even use Forgetting Sarah Marshall as an example, you know, Jason Segel and his colleagues in Judd Apatow Incorporated, one of the things that is most impressive to me about them, besides the exceptional quality of their work, is that Jason Segel could have just said, I'm going to be a moderately successful comic actor for the rest of my life and audition for sitcoms and sometimes get them and sometimes not. And, you know, I mean, he's good at it, so he could just do that and, you know, be handsome, but not too handsome and, you know, whatever. Affable.

But forgetting Sarah Marshall is like he's he and his colleagues in that organization are like, no, we're going to fucking work our asses off to create something that is our thing and hope that it will connect with people on a mass scale. And that's not, I mean, forgetting Sarah Marshall is not Jason Segel's thing that he does for money. That is, and it's not even, it's not to say that it's like because he wants to change the world or something like that. I don't think that is the key. Do you think it's his tinfoil in the, I'm not being joking.

Yeah, yeah, sure. But is it his tinfoil in the garage? I wonder. I mean, I wonder because, you know, I wonder about that. You know, I wonder about that. And I admire him for, you know, putting himself out there in that way. There's no... Forgetting Sarah Marshall, just to use it as...

Or Superbad is another... It's a very similar example of this. There's no hiding in that movie. There's no emotional hiding in that movie. He, both of those films are their authors saying, you know, with the help of many,

many brilliant collaborators. I mean, Maria Thayer was in one of them, but the author is saying like, this is me really trying to make exactly the thing that I want to make as perfectly as I can and I hope you like it

well he took I mean Jason Segel he did full frontal nudity in that because he thought it was funny and because it was true you know and that takes it just takes a lot of

I want to say balls but then – Right. Well, here's what I think that – here's the thing that I think Jason Segel had before. And I don't – you would know better than I would. But in general, these things. They had two things. They had the time and the means to do them.

Like, it's not like Jason Segel wrote that movie while he was waiting tables. And I guess the story about Superbad is that Seth Rogen wrote it when he was 13. But no, he fucking didn't. He wrote it when – that's just a dumb press junket thing. Like, Seth Rogen probably wrote that movie between Undeclared and whatever else Seth Rogen was in after Undeclared. Right. So they had the idea, and then they had someone gave, the studio bought the pitch, or they had a producer attached,

or something, something, something. So I think what, if you want to do your major, this is, I'm Jesse Thorne thing, you need the idea, which maybe you haven't had yet. I'm starting to, I mean, yeah,

you would take people up on this book idea if you had the idea, you just haven't had yet. I'm starting to, I mean, yeah. I mean, you would take people up on this book idea if you had the idea. You just haven't had it yet. And you need the time and means to do it. Like, so I think if you get that idea and then, you know, if you're like, oh, this is my big this is me thing. I think if you don't act on the idea,

you don't find some way to, you know, do it, that's probably letting it get by. But also you need, like, you're a guy with a life, you don't find some way to, you know, do it, that's probably letting it get by. But also, you need, like, you're a guy with a life, you know, and it's like, what, how do you, like, I don't think I've had my big, this is Jordan Morris idea yet. I've done a lot of things that I really like. But you just don't you think if you keep working, both of you, you will, that idea will come to you like the work? Absolutely. Absolutely. And I hope that when I do have that big, this is Jordan Morris idea, I'm in a position to do it the work actually absolutely and i hope that when i do have that

big this is jordan morris idea i'm in a position to do it the way i want to do it i mean maybe not maybe i'll still have to be writing webisodes and uh corresponding on shitty cable tv shows and stuff like that i'm not what i do um so yeah but i mean hopefully i'm doing something where i have the means to sit down and write out the Jordan Morris thing. Jordan, not shitty cable television shows. Passable cable television shows. Thank you. Thank you.

That's fine. It's canceled. I don't think it was bad. I was funny on it. I don't think it was bad. Anyway. No, it was okay. It was what it was. Fair enough. You were great on it. Thank you. I think I was bad. Anyway. No. It was okay. It was what it was.

Fair enough. You were great on it. Thank you. I think I was funny. Anyway. I mean, here's the thing. I'm not even sure that I'm comfortable letting myself off the hook to that extent, because I think that if you're not digging for whatever that thing is, you're not going to dig it

up. How do you feel like you're not digging for it, though? Like, what do you think? By distracting myself with 10,000 other things that I enjoy, but... But you have to do them, right? I mean, to be honest, Jordan Jesse Goh isn't something that directly brings in the income that buys the baby formula. I know Teresa's breastfeeding. Baby formula! Because I watch her through binoculars. She drinks a buys the baby formula. I know Teresa's breastfeeding. Baby formula, because I watch her

through binoculars. She drinks a lot of baby formula. She drinks a lot of baby formula. You got to. So Jordan and Jesse Go doesn't... Gotta keep them juices flowing. Or else there's no milk in the boobs. Right. Maria, I know you don't know a lot about... You know a lot about anatomy. I know a lot about chicks.

And now, the lady of Menorah. Ryan Gosling. I know a lot about chicks. And now the lady of menorah. Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling. How boobs get milk in them. Ryan Gosling would team up with a pretty girl and pick on you. Yeah, yeah. I do not think Ryan Gosling is all that. That means a lot.

That really does. Thanks. More than you know. Thank you. Yeah. Ryan Gosling is very talented. You're more of a... He's very talented. Sure. But I'm just not... I'm Thank you. Yeah. Ryan Gosling is very talented. You're more of a – He's very talented.

Sure. But I'm just not – I'm just not thinking about him when I – Sure. Think about a fella. Yeah, when I think about a fella. Exactly. Sherman Helmsley. Sherman Helmsley.

Yes, that one. Earl Warren. Supreme Court. Well, here's the thing. Yeah, the Warren Court. Okay, so Jordan, Jesse, go. Oh, if you have another Supreme Court justice show, please make it. No, but I was going to say that my first – oh, God.

I hope my family doesn't listen to this. But my first – and only really maybe one of the only like sex dreams that I ever remember was – and I was young. I was in high school., was about Ted Kennedy. Wow. Are your family, like, Massachusetts Democrat? Or you're like, where is your family from? No.

It strikes me as a regional thing. No, we're from, I was, I was, I was. Were you a teenage babysitter on the Cape? No, he was really in my dream. It wasn't even like young Ted Kennedy. It was Ted Kennedy at that time. Hulking purple Ted Kennedy. And he was fat.

I just remember like rolling on his belly. I don't know. Was it, did you wait, were you aroused or terrified? Maybe both. I think I was. I mean, I think it was a sexual dream. It was like, he wasn't doing anything that I didn't want him to do in the dream. When we talk about creating this kind of work, like this kind of really special personal

work, like, are you worried at all that you already created it when you had that dream? Maybe. You could, you probably, you know, you could call up Apatow.

Here's my pitch. I am in love with Ted Kennedy. I feel like, I feel like, One girl's special journey. I feel like Miranda July could eat out on that dream

for like three or four years. Sure. Like a piece in the New Yorker, a feature film, a short story collection. And some sort of haunted house. I don't know. What does she do? An installation at the Guggenheim.

Oh, gosh. What was the – I was going to say that the first – but we got onto another subject. The punk rock guy that we were talking about. T.G. Allen. Yeah. He was the first man that I ever saw naked. Oh, you saw him personally?

Yeah. Wow, really? What was that like? I was really young. I went to a punk rock show when I was little. Not little, but like – Four. Yeah.

Like 13. Yeah. Geez. Really? At the 7th Street entry in Minneapolis. Did your parents take you? No. My friend Rick Wilbanks took me.

Whoa. Rick Wilbanks. And – You brought some light bulbs and some meth and – No. I never did drugs. Yeah. But he – Rick Wilbanks had long hair and at the time he seemed very bad.

But that's not the important part. The important part is that he got naked, and I'd never seen a man naked, and I saw him naked. That's not a great first one. In a mosh pit. We were in a mosh pit. I was probably wearing sandals. I was very girly. mosh pit. I was probably wearing sandals. I was very girly.

It's weird to me that someone would go to a first club show in Minneapolis and it wouldn't be Morris Day in the Time. It just seems like all shows in Minneapolis should be Morris Day in the Time. I don't even know who that is. It's Prince's band.

Oh, it is? It's a Prince-related band. It's a Prince offshoot. It's a band that has played with Prince? Yeah, they're the bad guys in Purple Rain. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. They're the kind of Gigi Allens of funk music.

I'm going to get soda thrown in my face when I go back to Minnesota. Yeah, right? It's not like I said Jesse Johnson or something. Sure. Am I right or am I right? You are right. I didn't even, it's not like I said Jesse Johnson or something. Sure. Am I right or am I right? You are right. I didn't bring up Vanity. Yeah, yeah.

Is that another Prince-related band? I'm just saying Prince-related stuff. I know those bands that Prince like pretends that he's in but that he's not.

Oh, like Madhouse? Yeah. Oh, that's, no, what Prince does, oh, all contraire, my friend. Prince creates bands that he pretends he's not in

but he actually is. Oh, and then he's not in, but he actually is. Oh, and then he's really in. Because he was reporting... You know who else does that? Billy Joe Armstrong. Really? Oh, really? Yeah, he's...

He's actually Jerome. Your old nemesis. He's Jerome in Morris Day and the Times. Yeah, sure. He's the Prince of Punk Rock. I think he's done that three times. He holds the mirror for... Sorry.

But, oh, gosh. Well, what were we saying about... Oh, yeah, sorry. Do you not feel like you're scared to make a thing that is really your thing? It's fine if you're not. No, no, no. I feel like I haven't had the idea yet. I think I'll have it.

I just haven't had it yet. I just hope when I have the idea I have the time to do it right um yeah maybe i won't i mean maybe i maybe i'll be too bogged down with uh you know jordan jesse go jordan jesse go well here's the thing it's yeah well i haven't had the idea and i know i haven't had the idea and i don't know i think i'm a pretty good judge of what of my work is good and what is bad and what is fun yeah uh and i think i know that and i think i and i and I definitely know when I'm applying for things or I'm sending in writing packets, which I do a lot,

like I know when I'm phoning it in and I know when they're good. And the ones that are good, I feel like, and I guess this is something when you are an actor, writer, performer, you have to get used to, is just knowing when you did a good job and just trying to say to yourself, somebody else got it, not because of my quality. I do not have that.

Yeah. Well, I think you, yeah, I just think that, so yeah, but I think I know what of my stuff is good. Yeah. And I think I'm, and I think, yeah, if I, yeah, definitely if I did my major thing and was proud of it and then it got, you it got shit on, I would probably feel bad. But yeah, I like knowing that something's good. I feel like even like I submit to SNL every year.

And sometimes I do a good job and sometimes I just don't have the fucking time to do a good job. Like sometimes I just have a million things I need to do to make rent and sometimes it's bad. But a couple of times it's been good. And yeah, I don't know. I love the good ones and I'm genuinely proud of them and I feel like if it was – I feel like it has the potential to happen. I'm like, oh no, I could probably be a writer on SNL because I've done a good job a couple of times and hopefully it – anyway.

I think it's important to know what – for yourself, what you think is good and what you think is bad. Because there's so – I just read something and I think it happened a few years ago, this Joshua Bell and the subway thing. Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you know who Joshua Bell is? He's this great violinist. He's like one of the best violinists in the world. Okay. And he played –

Are you sure you're not thinking of Yitzhak Perlman? No, but I know who that is. I'm pretty sure you're thinking of Yitzhak Perlman? No, but I know who that is. I'm pretty sure you're thinking of Yitzhak Perlman. He's the young Yitzhak Perlman. He's the smaller instrumented Yo-Yo Ma. Yeah, exactly. But he played

45 minutes all these Bach, I'm going to say concertos, but I don't even know what that word really means. Movements, minuets. Yes, something. Something Bach that's very difficult. Rock operas. In the Washington, D.C. subways.

Sure. And he's played 45 minutes. He made some people – nobody stopped to watch him. He made $30. And he was at the time the best – one of the best violinists. He's playing on a $3.5 million violin. And like a day before, he had sold out Carnegie Hall for $100 a seat. Yeah.

And nobody noticed him, and I feel like that happens all the time, that like you can – people don't always know what's good for them. Everyone was flocking around the bucket drummers. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Sure. Not that they're not talented. I don't know. I guess in that story –

We're going to get some mad egg reveals from bucket drummers. It's location, location, location. Sure. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, I don't know. I feel like I feel great when I make something that I feel like is great. I feel like it's a genuinely great feeling. And it feels fantastic.

It really does when you turn out something that's great. So I don't know. My defense is I can only focus on the process. And I can only do it if I lower the stakes. I can't. If I get caught up in wanting to make something perfectly, I hate myself. I might argue, when have you done that? I think I might say, when have you been tinkering with something and you're like, I need to back off?

Have you ever genuinely had something where you're like, I could make this a 10 out of 10? I wonder whether I should be trying to make The Sound of Young America a 10 out of 10. Yeah. I love The Sound of Young America. I love doing it. I love making the show.

And I don't know. I mean, I don't know. Do you have ideas of how to make it a 10 out of 10? I mean, the thing is, it would... I've just never done a thing where it is like my whole being. I mean, I guess the sound of Young America in the early days to a certain extent, but even then I had a job.

Yeah, sure. And so it's, and it's, the prospect scares me. Yeah. What is, I have a question. What is the longest that you've ever worked on something? Do you know what I mean? Because I feel like. I mean, I've been working on, I've been hosting the Sound of Young America for 11 years.

But on one particular. Yeah. You know, so it's just like. Never. I've never only worked on one thing. Mm-hmm. It was until, by the time I was, when I, when I, we graduated from college and I was doing

The Sound of Young America, I had a job. Yeah. And then when I moved here and no longer had a job is when we started Jordan Jesse Go and I started Maximum Fun.

Yeah. I've never done it in my life. Mm-hmm. My life. Mm-hmm. In my life. I think you're, I think you're,

I think you're scared of something that is theoretical. I think this is – Oh, absolutely. I think you're just – Yeah, I think you – I don't know. I think you've created some brain anxiety where you don't need to. It's like you haven't started – Okay, okay.

Here's the thing. Okay, here's something funny I think is a super rookie Hollywood kid mistake and something I am absolutely guilty of and especially was guilty of in my early twenties is show up at Albert Brooks's house. Yeah. Knock on the door. You got your trench coat on, you got your sock garters and you hang the brain.

It worked with Maria Thayer. It did. It did. Um, okay. There's that, there's this thing. And then God,

like, I mean, if I could, if I could find every like 21 year old kid in an improv class and shake them and tell them this, I would. It's like, you know, you sit down to – you've got your screenplay idea. You've got your pilot idea, your spec idea. And a page into the outline, you start talking about casting. Like, you start worrying about, like, well, how could I cast this?

And then you start wondering about, like, well, which show, like, what'll this follow in NBC's Thursday Night Rhyme Up? You haven't written the fucking thing yet! Write the thing, 22-year-old asshole! Like, that's the thing. Like, you start, you get in this weird, like, psychological wraparound that causes you not to do work. And it's like, like, do the thing first. Like, and I guess, I guess I feel like that's, that's what you and that I'm, you know, I'm more successful at than I ever imagined I would be.

Sure. Not especially successful overall, but certainly more than I expected to be. And so now I would have to give something up out of that. Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, I guess when you have the idea, you'll have to worry about carving out the time. I'm still not 100% certain I'm going to have this idea that you claim I'm going to have.

Look, we've basically run our entire episode in this one segment, so we'll be back in just a second. I saw a weird porno movie I wanted to talk about. We'll be back in just a second. Am I going to have to i wanted to talk about we'll be back am i gonna save that till next week and we're not even gonna ask maria thayer what it's like to be best friends with chris elliott yeah we'll be back in just a second i'm jordan desicco Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective.

Oh, Maria. Yeah, don't forget, Maria. I thought that you were going to go into something. Just because we just did a four-hour segment. Okay, look. Should we do the Wale sketch again? Should we do the Wale sketch again? Should we do the Wale sketch again? We should probably go into that Wale sketch again.

Remember that? Four hours ago. Is that how it's pronounced? Yeah, that's the big line. That's the big catchphrase. Is that how it's pronounced? Okay, so what do we got here? Number one, we got MakePixelArt.com.

This is our sponsor this week. This is, I mean, what you're looking at here is probably the world's number one website for pixel art making. I would say so.

I mean, I would guess. If there's another one, it's probably bullshit. Had the World Wide Web existed when Super Mario Brothers was invented, that Super Mario and Luigi

would probably have been designed on MakePixelArt.com I think also think so and be more handsome all the stuff made on MakePixelArt.com is very handsome and admit it they're pretty handsome already oh yeah

I mean they're no Ted Kennedy hey you wanna wanna look up on the Jumbotron here? Yes. Up on the Jumbotron, we got Boozingear.com. Boozingear. I'd like to know more about this website. Well, Boozingear has all of your favorite beer and liquor branded merchandise, like Pabst, Patron Guinness, and Captain Morgan, for example. merchandise like Pabst, Patron Guinness, and Captain Morgan, for example.

So any garment of clothing, a koozie, a hat. I guess that's technically a clothing garment. Could I get a Seagram 7 jockstrap? You could probably get a Seagram 7 jockstrap. I can't promise you that. Whoa, are you getting all Ted Kennedy over there? I know. I just can't believe that. Yeah. It's unbelievable. You could probably get what? Whoa, are you getting all Ted Kennedy over there? I know. I just can't believe that.

Yeah. It's unbelievable. You could probably get what? Like you get maybe, I don't know, like a Corona wrap for your donk? Sure. The car kind of donk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Vinyl wrap for your donk.

Anyway, here's what you get. 15% off if you put JJ Go in the coupon box there you go boozing gear.com and free shipping for 50 bucks or more orders so uh boozing gear.com and type in jj go also here is a message from lionel to the people of Portland, Oregon. Lionel is looking for a place to live for around $400 or less in Portland. So if you are looking for a roommate, you should drop a line. For your walk-in

closet? What? $400? That's in Portland. That goes a long way, my friend. I guess I assumed that Portland, because it was so hip, was expensive. No. Only Los Angeles, San Francisco, Washington, D.C., and New, my friend. Oh, okay. I guess I assumed that Portland, because it was so hip, was expensive. Only Los Angeles, San Francisco, Washington, D.C., and New York are expensive. Oh, interesting. Well, good luck then.

Are those the only expensive places? Yeah, pretty much. I mean, there are expensive places abroad. Spain, the south of France. Really? 400 bucks would Sound of Young America editor Nick White lives in a cool neighborhood, and not cool as in gentrifying, cool as in gentrified neighborhood in Chicago, one of the greatest cities in this great nation.

Yes, great city. Beautiful city, in a cool, large two-bedroom apartment that he pays $800 a month for. Buh. I know. It's bullshit. It's total bullshit. Anyway, here's a little information about Lionel. He's 22 years old.

He's, oh, man, the poor guy. I can see why he's looking for a new place to live. He recently ended a long-term relationship. Oh, that's tough. Lionel. At the moment, he's still living in the place to live. He recently ended a long-term relationship. Oh, that's tough. At the moment, he's still living in the same house with the person. She's probably doing all kinds of fucking too. That's horrible.

Anyway. That's horrible. He's giving the place to his girlfriend? Yeah, he's letting the girlfriend keep the place. I hope there's not a pet involved. That's when it gets really messy. He works at Burgerville by the convention center, which is almost certainly a made-up place of work.

Oh, no, I know what he's talking about. What? There really is a Burgerville? Yeah, I think this is a point of pride in Portland. It's a fast food place, but everything is organic and locally sourced, and they have seasonal milkshakes. Are you from Portland? I'm not. Uh-uh. I'm a big Portland fan, although I apparently seasonal milkshakes. Are you from Portland? I'm not. I'm a big Portland fan,

although I apparently don't know anything about real estate in Portland. Who isn't a fan of Portland? Portland is great. What a wonderful city. They have self-watering planters in downtown Portland. Holy shit.

Holy shit, I know. They have a robot army on its way to crush Seattle. Yeah. Led by Lionel. So if you... Not that Lionel's a robot. Anyway, he doesn't...

He could be. He doesn't drive like a lot of Portlanders, so he's looking for someplace within a reasonable distance of Burgerville by the convention center. And so you can get in touch with Lionel. I would say the best you can get in touch with Lionel. I would say the best way to get in touch with Lionel is either email Teresa at MaximumFun.org and we will pass it on to him

or we will post some contact information in the forum. Or if you're in Portland, just send a carrier pigeon to the community billboard. I don't know, how do Portlanders get in touch with each other? Just call the mayor and ask for Lionel. We'll be back in just a second. So call Stephen Malcomus. If you want to get on the Jumbotron, maximum.

And have Bigfoot rent a smart car. We can presume that upwards of 40% of the population of Portland are Jicks, correct? There's Stephen Malcomus is the mayor of Portland. The citizens are the Jicks. Maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron if you want to get up on the Jumbotron. Oh, the guy from Gang of Four, too. Email Teresa at Maximumfun.org

if you want to sponsor an upcoming episode of the show. Or a series of episodes. A long series of episodes. Sure. How about a video series that we make? Sponsor that. Have me. Maria Thayer already agreed to be in it.

We've got her. We've got some star power. She's attached. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio. Jordan Morse, boy detective, Maria, Maria, It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Street Night. Jordan Morse, Boy Detective. Maria. Maria. Maria Thayer. I just got really depressed.

Okay, so... Look, we're... Because you realized how long you've been here. No. We're gonna get out of here in just a second, but there's a couple of things that we have to do first. Okay. First of all, I want to issue a tweet of the week to Darren Glass, who tweeted,

How is it possible to have such an intense craving for a fruit I have never tried and only heard about on podcasts? He hashtagged that one both JJ Go and Satsumas. We've been talking a lot about how good Satsumas are, and the reality is that they're the king of citrus. Easy to peel, packed with flavor. Absolutely 100% seedless. Satsumas. Maria, do you have another opinion? I don't. My opinion is what the hell is a satsuma?

A clementine or a cutie. They're better. Significantly better than clementines. Better than a cutie? I can't imagine anything better than a cutie. I'll send you home with one. So Darren, email intern at MaximumFun.org with your t-shirt size and your than Clementine's better than a cutie I can't imagine anything better than a cutie I'll send you home with one okay so Darren email intern at maximumfun.org with your t-shirt size

and your address we'll get you a t-shirt and please tweet about the show with hashtag JJ go Maria of course is one of the stars

of the hilarious Eagle Heart television program on the Adult Swim Network which stars the brilliant Chris Elliott who we all wish uh would be our cool uncle

or maybe it's just those of us who've interviewed him a few times for the sound of young america and are basically in love with him uh not to mention uh our old friend jason wallner is behind the camera on that thing i mean this thing is tremendous. Just go and enjoy this. Brett Gellman. Oh, very few people funnier than that guy. Michael Coleman. Make some funny faces. Andrew Weinberg. Oh, yeah.

All good. These people are tremendous. It tailed off towards the end there, but no, I'm just kidding. That's not true at all. It's not as bad as Community, which I hate. Yeah, oh boy.

What? I don't hate Community at all. I made a joke about community once and then a thousand people sent me an angry email. We need to stop bringing it up. You're just... I like community.

You're just... No, no one cares anymore. You're just... You're stroking those flames. This flames dick is out and you're jacking it up. Just don't mention it anymore. Sorry, I'm full of pith and vinegar.

Yeah, sure. I think I mentioned it last weekith and vinegar. Yeah, sure. Starting with L. I think I mentioned it last week, so that was my bad. Okay. And not only that, Maria, but you have one of your first ever feature-length starring roles. I'm really excited to hear about this. What's the name of the film? Annie Claus is coming to town yes

I love it I love it I love it I love it I love you I love it oh my god and when can we see this program

well I'm sure you can see I don't know it was God. And where can we see this program? This is – Well, I'm sure you could see – I don't know. It was on last night. You can probably see it all the time on the Hallmark Channel. It's probably running – This is so awesome, Maria. I know you think that I'm making fun of you, but I'm so not. You are making fun of me.

No, I am not. That is so awesome. People are in two camps in this. It's either my family who are just like, you've never done anything I like. I love this show. You know, okay. And my friends that are like, it's hilarious that you're doing. When I first started doing it, it was called Annie Kringle, which I wish it was still called.

Wait, so you play a girl Santa Claus? I play a- Beautiful girl Santa Claus. A beautiful girl Santa Claus. Oh, thanks. That makes it a little- Very foxy. My depression a little-

You play a sexy Santa, correct? It's like a... I play like a... It's like a female elf. Okay. It's like a... Yeah, it's just like a fish out of water. I can't believe I'm talking about this.

No one that listens to your show is going to watch this show. They'll love Eagle Heart. They'll tune in. They'll love it. They're is gonna listen watch this show they'll love Eagle Heart they'll tune in they'll love it they're never gonna watch they'll come see you guys at SF Sketch Fest of course

they are gonna do those things sure but they're never going to watch Annie Claude's Coming to Town starring Maria Thayer and Vivica A. Fox well here

I think this is exactly what we're like not to keep not to keep Dave dropping my greatest credit to date, but my mom has never gotten anything I've done. Like she's come to see my sketch shows and she always gives me those compliments like, oh, you guys look like you were having fun. Yes. Such nice costumes. Yes. But she cannot stop mentioning my commercial with NBC4's Fritz Coleman.

Oh, there it is. Who is her favorite weatherman. And yes, so all of my success to this point is all eclipsed by my commercial to my mom. Yes. So I kind of know what that's like. It's like, oh, you do this because it's a good credit and you get a little bit of money, and then your mom loves it. Yes.

It's the best thing that's ever happened to her. I, look, I would take that job so fucking fast. I would do that if someone offered me, seriously, if someone offered me the lead in a Hallmark movie,

a Christmas, a Santa movie, I would not only do it for free, I would take a leave of absence from my real work to do it. Right? Right, Jordan? Absolutely.

How long are you shooting? Two months, maybe? No, it was a month. Six weeks? Four short weeks. In Hawaii at the Turtle Bay Hotel. I know. It was somewhere way far away.

Whatever. It's a good movie. I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it far away. Whatever. It's a good movie for... I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it. But I'm sure it's a good movie for weddings. It's probably delightful for families to tune into. It's totally delightful. I'm sure if there's one word for it, it's delightful. Yes. Yes. But not for... I can't imagine Eagle

Heart. I did some press, a little bit of press for it. And the people that interviewed me were like, a lot of times we're strangers with Candy fans, and that's why I could not understand. You did a lot of interviews on the Logo Network. Yeah, I see. I'm sure Gay Men, it sounds like Gay Men would

love this, not knowing a lot about it. Yeah, sure. Anyway. You're going to become a gay icon from this. You're a total diva. That's my... We should explain. That's my career goal is to become a gay icon. Well, yeah.

Well, do you know what your date is at the San Francisco Sketch Fest yet? I think it's the 21st of January. Okay. What are you doing? A panel? What are we talking about? We're doing a panel. Special screening?

Yeah. What are we talking about we're doing a panel special screening yeah yeah what are we looking at Castro Theater ooh I don't know what that is is that a theater it's a great theater in San Francisco we're just

we're doing a we're doing a panel and maybe maybe showing some we're probably gonna show some new stuff and also for people that are

we're showing stuff in Los Angeles too at like comedy we've been showing a few episodes is it possible if we go to the thing in San Francisco Also, for people that are not, we're showing stuff in Los Angeles, too, at like comedy. We've been showing a few episodes at comedy places. Is it possible, if we go to the thing in San Francisco, is it possible to get Chris Elliott to be our uncle or engage him as our uncle? Like him adopt you as an uncle? I guess he would have to marry my mom's sister. Is your mom's sister single?

He's married now. Well, my mom's sister is a militant lesbian. The one I'm thinking of. The single one. Okay. Well, he's married, so I don't know. I don't know. But, I mean, he's been married for a while.

He's probably done with that. He's probably ready to settle down with a nice lesbian. A lovely wife. She's great. I'll see what I can do. Okay. Just put in a good word. Yes.

Okay? Okay. Done? Yes, done. Done. He'll listen to this. He'll hear you. Of course.

He listens to every time. Every time. Comedy legend Chris Elliott listens to every episode of Jordan. Oh, what a guy. So nice. With his kids, probably. Watched it with the kids. Had Jordan to see. Oh. I know. What a guy. So nice. With his kids, probably. Watched it with the kids. Had a fun time.

Okay, well, thank you, Maria. It's been a joy. Thank you. It's been a joy for me, too. Sorry no calls this week. We had an hour and ten minute long segment. 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org.

I saw a hilarious porno movie that I didn't get to talk about. Oh, that's right. We didn't get to talk about Hanukkah. We were going to talk about Hanukkah. Please review our show. You'll come back every episode, though, right? Can this just be Jordan, Jesse, Maria Goh? It doesn't have the same ring to it.

I think it does. I think it's got a better ring. It can just be Maria Goh. I will drop my name from this. Yeah. I'm willing to drop. I've got to go work on my life's work anyway. That's right. Oh, yeah. You've got your. Yeah. I'm willing to drop. I got to go work on my life's work anyway. That's right.

Oh, yeah. You've got your Mr. Holland's opus to write. Okay. Okay. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Hi, I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy.

We're three brothers. It's not a coincidence. We have a show. It's called My Brother, My Brother Me. It's an advice show for the modern era. Sometimes we also take questions from the Yahoo answer service. Hey guys, how many push-ups does it take to look like a werewolf? That's a fine question, Griffin.

We'll answer that one and so much more, including questions from readers about love and navigating the waters of society. Subscribe on iTunes or get it online at MaximumFun.org. We're brothers. We're experts. And we're sorry.